#i had a complex about my hair color idk why

[booblywooblies]

idk why im thinking about this

but when i was a kid i really hated that people always immediately thought my hair was black. when i was in like kindergarten we were doing a thanksgiving pretend game or something and we had these little pilgrim masks and one of the girl ones had brown hair and one had grey hair and the other kids made me be the grey hair one bc black hair is closer to grey than brown and i threw a FIT

i was like crying and i was like my hair ISNT BLACK ITS DARK BROWN (bc like, grey hair = old = ugly, saying i had black hair meant they were saying i was ugly)

and for some reason ive kind of fixated on my hair color ever since? and its a bit confusing because sometimes when you look at it it genuinely looks black and other times it genuinely looks brown, and my eyebrows are clearly just black but theyre slightly darker than the rest of my hair

and i only really actually noticed recently that my hair is actually BOTH brown and black, like if you pull two different hairs out of my head they may be different colors from each other, i have like a mixed hair color

this is like the weirdest thing to have a complex about, i grew up exlusively around like very blonde white people and like idve already been a little different if i was just a regular brunette but the fact that i wasnt even a WHITE brunette like destroyed me self esteem wise for some reason, i used to feel like such a weirdo for looking so different, even compared to people in my own family

i also used to like pull at my eyes to try to make them "bigger" and i really wished i had green eyes and freckles growing up

the eye pulling thing is kinda funny now bc like, my eyes have never been small and i didnt know what actually made my eyes different from other people, tbh most people probably wouldnt even think i have "asian eyes" (i just have epicanthal folds but thats not even unique to asians) and i really didnt understand what about my facial features even made me "look" asian

i think i saw my face in profile for the first time like, AS AN ADULT and it really hit me like, oh thats probably why people clock me as different/off all the time, i had no idea my face was so flat (old pic)

and now i live in a way more diverse place and people arent automatically suspicious about my appearance (though sometimes they are, i still get "what are you"d a lot) and its honestly kind of jarring, like people at the grocery store used to fucking STARE at me trying to figure out what i am or what i was doing there

and i mean people will probably start doing that again here for trans reasons but its been nice on one hand to not have to deal with that for a bit! ive got other problems here like people forget im a POC at all or think im "not a real asian" bc theyre used to full blooded asians and it kind of invalidates all my experiences. also its kinda funny that i can write that many words just about the little insecurities i had about looking different growing up that doesnt even come close to the extent of how people actually TREATED me. but i will probably just do that another time, its hard to get away from even though its almost entirely in the past for now.)

[asherashedwings]

PICOS SCHOOL DESIGN DUMP

Pico

So, I decided that my previous designs for a lot of these characters are going to be more-so their designs during the events of the Pico’s School games. So when they were kids. Like, some will be a bit different, but for the most part, that’s how it is. So then these new designs are them as adults.

When trying to figure out Pico’s design, I didn’t know how I wanted his outfit in this new design to differ from his previous. Cuz like, that’s already the perfect Pico fit. But then I realized “omg, it’d be so much funnier if I DIDN’T change it.” Cuz he is definitely the type of mf to be wearing the same clothes he’s had since middle school.

Like, Cass or Nin come back for a rematch, and they both look super different, and then they look at Pico and he looks NO DIFFERENT than last time they saw him.

Darnell

I immediately broke my rule with the previous designs with Darnell, cuz I just really liked the previous design’s outfit and was like ��eh, imma use that for his adult design, and just change the kid design.”

I imagine he got that varsity jacket like, custom made, and it was like super fuckin expensive. But like, when he got it, he decided “wait, I don’t want the sleeves” and just ripped them off 💀

Can’t have long sleeves when you’re always working with fire ig.

Nene

I think Nene is the one I’ve drawn in alt. outfits the most. What can I say, I just really like drawing her and messing around with her clothes. So I had a lot of previous pieces of mine I could look back on for reference.

The main change that isn’t outfit related is her hair. I just decided to dick around and see what looked good, and landed on that. I think it looks pretty good, idk.

Also, gave her a WWJD bracelet cuz sometimes I forget she’s Christian and I thought it was funny.

Reminded me of this one stupid idea I had, featuring my very headcanoned version of the G-Squad:

Like, the G-Squad are doing their whole cult thing, worshipping the Peniliens, when the Pico trio burst in, and Nene says something like “THERE IS ONLY ONE LORD AND SAVIOR, AND HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST.”

And then they kick their asses, idk.

Also, here, them as kids. Pico just got spikier as he got older

Okay, time for some antags 💥💥💥

Cassandra

She was actually the first redesign I made in this batch.

Main change: Beard. I just sorta wanted to make the Penilien duo more androgynous. I imagine that they don’t really care about transitioning that much, since they don’t have the same gender roles and stereotypes as humans. Just “I’m [insert gender here], that’s it.” Also, I just think Cass slayed with a beard.

I also wanted to incorporate shapes from their alien forms more into their human disguises. So I gave Cass these big sleeve things to sorta emulate the big bulky arms she has in her true form.

One of her pincers is also chipped. This comes from the fact that in Pico’s School, one of her horn-hair things is shorter than the other, and I wanted to find a way to incorporate that.

Damien

I don’t think there’s much to say here that I have already said while talking about Cassandra.

I imagine Damien does less to hide his alien features, since he has a huge superiority complex and thinks Peniliens are superior anyways, so like, why hide his true colors? Why hide what makes him greater than everyone around him?

So yeah, that’s why he keeps his tail out.

Nin

YIPPEE, HEAVYILY HEADCANONED CHARACTER TIME‼️‼️

So Nin differs with the whole “previous design is them as a kid” thing, cuz he doesn’t really age past his age in Pico’s School. Cuz bro dies.

(Also, quick HC timeline: Pico 1 and “Pico 2” (the conflict with the robo-kids) both take place in middle school, while what I call “Pico 3” (the conflict with the G-Squad) happens in high school. So that’s why Nin appears less child-like; he’s a high schooler)

So like, I hc that when Pico killed Nin, Nin pulled some necromancy bullshit and revived HIMSELF. Cuz idk, that feels like some bullshit Pico’s School would pull.

So now he’s undead. His hair also sorta resembles horns cuz it’s sorta to symbolize his devotion to the Peniliens. If y’all are interested in hearing all the HCs I have for the G-Squad (or just PS in general), I might share more at a later date.

That’s all for now tho.

Bonus:

My color palettes for these fuckers. They’re all named after the MSI songs I associate with each of them. I do not support MSI, I just really like the music and it reminds me of Pico’s School for some reason, so I always listen to a lot of it whenever I get sucked back into this fandom

[mins-fins]

june 20th.

&&. on june 20th, the world ended. the sky turned orange and the ground beneath your feet cracked.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: fluff?? angst??

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 1k

notes: this is one of the strangest things i think ive written in a long time 😭 i have no idea how this idea came to be in the first place i kinda just wrote out what came to my mind?? i also spent so long trying to figure out which nct member to write this for and i literally just picked hc because he's my sisters favorite member (#THANKSTI) so yeah idk why this exists but it does 🤷‍♂️

on june 20th, your alarm rang two minutes early.

on june 20th, you gave your mother a kiss on the cheek before leaving for school.

on june 20th, you missed the bus and were forced to walk the whole way to school.

on june 20th, you had walked into class late for the first time since september.

on june 20th, the sky was full of dark clouds, you assumed it was going to rain later that day.

on june 20th, you skipped one of your classes for the first time ever, biology, one you always hated.

on june 20th, you noticed seven different cracks in the sidewalk.

on june 20th, the air seemed different..

on june 20th, all that you could think about was your upcoming birthday, excitement surging through your veins.

you did what you always did. kicked small rocks, hopped over fences, hummed the lyrics to your favorite song, danced to the lyrics of your favorite song in public with no shame, skipped over the cracks on the sidewalk, did cartwheels, you were having fun.

for some reason, the day of june 20th made you feel free.

nobody could stop you, not your friends, not asshole teachers, not screaming neighbors, nobody could stop you.

well, maybe the world ending could stop you.

with a smile on your face and an energetic pep in your step, you make your way through the now noisy neighborhood.

people are screaming, the sky is an unnatural color, the air feels as if it's slowly poisoning your lungs, the cracks beneath your feet have now doubled in number.

but for some reason, you feel easy?

the prospect of the world ending is a funny one, one you never thought you'd be living ever. in movies, it's branded as such a horrible thing, but you don't think you've ever felt happier.

the music blaring through your headphones distracts you, the people panicking around you seem more like blurs then actual people. they all have lives, some of them have children, some of them have grandchildren, some of them have family out of the country, some of them are going to be celebrating their last birthdays today, who knows what was going on in their lives earlier today that will now mean nothing in a good two hours.

your complex emotions surprise you, but the smile on your face doesn't falter, and you like that it doesn't.

because if you could spend the last moments of your life being happy, why would you be mad about that?

"everything alright? your not hurt are you?" you wrap your arms around your mother, resting your head on hers.

"i'm alright" you whisper, arms clinging around her.

your hair is disheveled, probably due to the absolute maddening things you'd been doing on the sidewalk.

"oh honey! donghyuck called, he was asking for you".

the name gets an eyebrow raise out of you.

donghyuck?

donghyuck as in lee donghyuck? he called? why would he call? why would he be asking for you? why would he—

oh, oh my goodness.

"what did he ask for?" you immediately separate from the hug, and your mother gives you a puzzled look. "did he ask for something from me specifically?"

"he just asked for you because he said he wanted to tell you something but you weren't here—"

holy shit.

"oh i have to go.."

your mother blinks once again, but then she realizes what your talking about, and she sighs. "honey, you still haven't told him?"

you don't even try to battle the allegations, just press a kiss to her cheek and make your way towards the door. "today's the day mom! the world is ending!"

your optimism shocks you, and you race out of the door, nothing else on your mind but him.

on june 20th, your life seemed to take a strange turn.

on june 20th, your mundane routine suddenly became extraordinary.

on june 20th, you realized it was your last chance to tell donghyuck how you feel.

the world is ending, the sky has turned orange, the sidewalk has began cracking beneath your feet, people are screaming, crying, clutching onto their family members, it's your last day, it's everyones last day, tomorrow, you'll all be nothing but empty corpses.

all of you have dreams, all of you had desires, things you'll never be able to pursue now because your demise is coming much sooner than you expected.

there's only one thing at your mind at the moment, and that's the most annoying person ever.

today is a day like no other, a day which will all be in memory by the time the week passes, your feet push you through the pain you feel, because you've never been able to get such words out.

where is he.. where is he.. where is he..

when you spot lee donghyuck, you shout, and he doesn't even have to look at you to know what it is.

you tackle him to ground, his back colliding with the soft grass in his front yard as you fall right on top of him. a smile comes to your face as you look down at him, with his pretty eyes and pretty smile.

"you're so stupid!" you yell, he just chuckles, letting you remain on top of him, because the world is ending, and this is it. "you called!?"

"you're literally stupider!" he rebuts. "you came!"

you scoff, oh this could've all been yours before if you weren't such a coward, but there is always a time for everything, even if this is the last time.

"i am so in love with you" you whisper, leaning down to press a kiss onto his lips. "you're such an idiot, a pretty idiot".

donghyuck just smiles, wrapping his arms around your neck. "you love me".

"of course i do".

"the world is ending, baby".

but for some reason you aren't crying.

you aren't sad, you aren't crying or anything, you're just living in the moment.

"i know, but i love you".

on june 20th, the world ended.

on june 20th, the sky turned orange and the ground beneath your feet cracked.

on june 20th, you told lee donghyuck you loved him.

on june 20th, you spent your final moments with the boy you loved the most.

[anakin-pilled]

SILVER SPRINGS (Lo'ak x Fem! Reader)

pairing: lo'ak x fem! reader

wordcount: 7.6k

warnings: angst, fandom cliches, amateur writing, bantering, unrequited love (?), complex family dynamics, A LOT OF CLICHES IM SORRY, bad pacing (my bad bro idk how to pace a story im new to this), not sure what else as this is pretty tame

rating: SFW! though my blog is 18+ because i interact with nsfw content, anyone can technically read this?

taglist: @teyamsatan

author's note: okay hi this is my first fanfic that i've ever written before? not counting fanfics i wrote in middle school anyway i got the idea for this fanfic after listening to silver springs by fleetwood mac and i was so obsessed with this idea that i had to make it come true? im a huge neteyam girly so this is a shocker that my first fic ever is about lo'ak (he's my babygirl, just not the LOML like neteyam). uhhh im only familiar with academic writing and this is my first time EVER dipping my toe into the waters of creative writing so pls bear with me if this is not perfect. i actually think this is quite flat and tbh i hate the pacing like its actually awful and there is so much room for improvement, but hey what can i do? IM A NEWBIE AT THIS!! with that being said, if you do decide to read, please treat me with some grace because i am sensitive and i did this purely for fun!!! i know my lo'ak stans are starving for fics and im here to deliver!!!! i am not a professional or seasoned writer by any means but i really tried my best to create something enjoyable ): i don't know why this ended up being so long but it did and there WILL be a part two, i already have it outlined. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, here is my first avatar fanfiction!!

proofread and edited but i got lazy toward the end LOL if you see any mistakes, please tell me kindly <3

You could be my silver spring

Blue-green colors flashin'

I would be your only dream

Your shinin' autumn ocean crashin'

The forest blended into a mixture of vibrant colors as you ran away from the incoming threat. Beautiful shades of blue, green, and purple passed around you. The feeling of the bare ground, soft and pliant from the morning dew, normally imbued you with a sense of stability and peace. As long as your feet were on the ground and connected to Ewya’s bountiful moon, you knew everything would be alright. However, this time, the feeling of the bare ground underneath your feet felt the opposite of stable and peaceful. The ground served as a reminder of how much longer you had to run until you reached the safe confines of the Omitikaya clan. 

You stopped running with a quick halt. Your chest heaved up and down as you tried to catch your breath. The beads in your hair clacked together in a cacophony as you looked around in different directions. The sun broke through the tree canopy and highlighted the forest like a kaleidoscope. Swish. You quickly turned your head to the other side to catch sight of what made the noise but all you could see was the rustling of the bush–as if whatever you were looking for was looking for you too before running off. Without a second to spare, you dashed in the direction of the village. But you only made it a few feet ahead of you before you were tackled by something heavy and shoved to the forest ground.

“I win.” said the voice from above in a triumphant, but annoying, manner. 

“You got to be faster than that, ‘eylan.” As you shaded your eyes with your hand, you were met with the illuminating picture of Lo’ak on top of you. The sun shone above on Lo’ak and cast him in beautiful rays of light. He looked like an angel–like a celestial being sent straight from Ewya’s heart and into your eyesight. Though you have never seen an angel, Norm described them as ethereal and pure religious beings. And at this moment, Lo’ak was an angel. 

“Get off me, fatass.” You said as you pushed Lo’ak weight off your body. You secretly loved the weight of his body on yours and how it radiated a warmth that hugged your body and soul. Lo’ak rolled off with ease and laid next to you on the foliage. “Hey! No need to insult me because you lost yet another round of hunter and prey.” 

Hunter and prey. A game that all Omitcayan children played growing up. And though you and Lo’ak were no longer children, you continued to play this game. Lo’ak claims it’s a great way to burn energy and let loose. You suspected he liked playing so often because it allowed him to avoid whatever daily chores his father, the Olo’eyktan, assigned him. And while you could think of better ways to spend your time, you indulged in Lo’ak’s childish whims because it brought him happiness. What type of best friend would you be if you didn’t? 

“I’m not insulting you because I lost. I could care less about losing,” You explained. “I’m insulting you because tackled me to the ground and put your entire weight on my body. Lay off the yovo fruit and I might insult you less.” 

Lo’ak scoffed at your response and stuck his tongue out in a mocking manner. “You mean the yovo fruit that Spider and I specifically collected because you asked for it? Yeah, I got put on ikran pen duty for a week after that since we missed curfew.” 

You simply rolled your eyes and aimed your middle finger at Lo’ak. Yeah, you definitely spent way too much time around Lo’ak. 

You both basked in the sun and listened to the sound of the forest: your home, your comfort place, the lifeline of the People. You thanked Eywa every day for the forest and the way it provided for you endlessly–from the delicious yovo fruit, to the medicinal herbs, fauna, and everything in between. There was a gentle rustle in the air as it approached low afternoon. If closed your eyes and listened hard enough, you could hear the faint buzz of the insects and the leaves fluttering. 

As you turned on your side to face Lo’ak, you noticed he still had his eyes shut. Your eyes raked over his stripes–the stripes that would forever be engrained in your brain–and focused on the armband that fits snugly on his upper arm. The weaved armband was made out of dried, violet stalks from the tstxa'a plant and braided into a traditional, intricate Omatikayan pattern. You added tiny clay beads that you hand-molded and painted a color very similar to a marigold–you captured copious amounts of juice from the banana fruit just to have enough pigment to create a dye. A small smile appeared on your face as you recall how long it took you to make the armband. 

Your eyes slowly made their way toward his face. They widened as they realized Lo’ak’s eyes were open and staring at you too. The air was charged with tension as you both continued to stare at each other in silence. 

You and Lo’ak always had this weird ability to communicate through eye contact alone. Your friendship, which was forged in childhood, ran so deep that words failed to represent what your eyes could. He was your other half as much as you were his. In these small moments of intimacy, you remember just how much you love Lo’ak. There was an unspoken bond between you two–a bond that went beyond friendship and teetered on the edge of romantic love. And while it was undeniable that there was something more happening between the two of you, your relationship stayed on that flimsy edge. 

“What are you thinking about,” you whispered in a tone so soft that it reached Lo’ak ears like a tender caress. 

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking,” Lo’ak replied with a teasing lilt in his voice and a glitter in his amber eyes. While everyone in the Omatikaya clan had the same shades of bright, yellow eyes, you thought Lo’ak had the prettiest. You raised the muscle on your face, where your eyebrows would have been if you had, and furrowed your forehead in suspicious knowing. 

“Thinki-” “I’m thinking about how funny it would be if I beat your ass in another round of hunter and prey! Last one to the village has to take over foraging duty!,” Lo’ak shouted with a boyish smile as he got up quickly and ran in the direction of his kelku.  

You got up from the lush grass and ran after him with another exacerbated breath.

The day drawled along as you patrolled the forest for the dandetiger tree. You looked for its long, azure leaves and armored trunk. As a healer in training, you were tasked by Mo’at to look for the tree for samples of the resin-like substance that it leaked. The sticky substance was extremely helpful to the Omatikaya clan in many ways as it behaved like an adhesive. It was especially important to healers as they used the dangetiger tree as part of treating wounds and ensuring bandages stuck and protected healing wounds. The healing hut ran low on its supply, thus you found yourself wandering through the forest. Kiri offered to accompany you, but you could tell she rather focus on perfecting the paste she was mixing. A major perk of being best friends with Lo’ak is that you also became close with his family and found a small niche within the Sully family.

You were an extension of Lo’ak, but also the opposite of him in some ways. Whereas Lo’ak was more energetic and impulsive, you were calmer and sensical. You both balanced each other perfectly; you were the yin to his yang. While Lo’ak’s nature often got him in trouble with his family, namely his father and older brother, you loved his high energy and zest for life. Sure, he could use more pragmatism in his daily thinking, but you saw Lo’ak’s personality as a blessing more than a hindrance, especially in times of war and destruction. If Lo’ak was your sun, then you were his moon–stable and outer-worldly. You were unwavering. Your nurturing nature and kind soul always amazed Lo’ak, even in the worse of times, you took it upon yourself to think and act as an optimist. You carried yourself with a sense of dignity that Lo’ak wishes he could replicate.

Though none of you ever admitted it out loud, you and Lo’ak knew that you loved each other in a way that best friends didn’t.

Despite your differences, you both had a passion for exploring and adventure. If Lo’ak went anywhere, you followed. And if he got in any trouble, you were only a few steps behind him. While Lo’ak intention for mischief was partially caused by the motivation to piss off his father, you believed that Eywa made Pandora for the purpose of exploring. Why would she make Pandora so magnificent and rich in life if not to experience every single crevice, nook, and cranny of it? While the forest would always be your home and the place you want to spend the rest of your life in, you could not deny the appeal of a nomadic lifestyle like the Olangi clan. However, with the return of the sky people on Pandora, your exploring had been cut to a short. Unable to venture into the unknown parts of the forest, the parts that resulted in a scolding or two from both your mom and Mr. Sully, you were forced to stay within the clan’s boundary lines.

Your thoughts were cut short as your heard movement in the background. The bag on your shoulder was discarded to the ground as you took out your bow and arrow. You were no warrior, but you begged Lo’ak to teach you enough to be able to defend yourself. Any Na’vi should know this little. You prayed to Eywa that it wasn’t a palulukan, or worse—a sky demon. A bead of sweat rolled down the side of your face as you aimed your bow in the direction of where you heard the noise. You aimed at the bushes before letting your final finger release the bow.

“Relax, syulang! It’s just me, Lo’ak!,” he said as he came out from the bushes of loreyu and walked to where you were standing. “Lo’ak,” you huffed with annoyance in your voice. “Don’t scare me like that, you skxawng! I was really focused on finding a dandetiger tree. Tsahik’s orders. What are you even doing here? I thought you were training with your father.”

“Lo’ak,” you huffed with annoyance in your voice. “Don’t scare me like that, you skxawng! I was really focused on finding a dandetiger tree. Tsahik’s orders. What are you even doing here? I thought you were training with your father.” 

As Lo’ak walked closer to you, you noticed the downturn expression on his face. Your immediate heart softened. He must have had another fight with his father, you thought to yourself. Lo’ak turned his face toward yours and you saw the unshed tears in his eyes that threatened to fall any second now.

“I, uh, I was training with my father until we got into a fight and I stormed off,” he said with a shaky breath. You could tell Lo’ak was trying to keep his composure, not wanting to show that vulnerable side he desperately tries to hide away. Yet, you knew better than that. Every time Lo’ak tried to shut down and hide his emotions, you came running after him and knocked down the fragile walls he built around himself. The walls were fragile because Lo’ak knew he would and could never shut you out completely. He took a deep, shaky breath before continuing, “I’m just so sick of it. He expects me to be this perfect son and soldier all in one, but I’m not Neteyam. I’m just Lo’ak.”

You always thought Lo’ak was the most complex person you ever met. He was the second-born son of the revered Toruk Makto and mighty Palulukun Makto. But, Lo’ak was so much more than that to you. He was more than both of his parents. Though he would never admit it, Lo’ak was a lost soul. Not quite like Neteyam, the mighty warrior and dutiful son, or the spiritual Kiri who was literally like Ewya’s disciple. Hell, even everyone knew Tuk would grow into a fine, strong-spirited woman! Lo’ak didn't know where he fit in his family. Of course, the Sully family loved him, and Lo’ak loved his family just as much. But that still didn’t stop the gnawing, deep feeling in Lo’ak’s subconscious from telling him that he would never amount to greatness like the rest of his family. You wished Lo’ak wouldn’t be so hard on himself because you also had a deep feeling in your subconscious that Lo’ak was destined for greatness–the feeling was embedded so deep in your bones that you would bet your left on it. 

“I know that I’m a fuck up.” 

“You’re no-”

“It’s okay, syulang. I know I’m a fuck up. I can see it in the tribes’ faces every time they hear my father lecture me, or worse, hear Neteyam lecture me. I can see it in my fathers’ eyes and in the way the rest of my family pities me.”

“Your family doesn’t pity you, Lo’ak. If anything, they pity the way your father has been forced into this weird dichotomy of the punisher and protector ever since the sky demons returned and how it’s taken an effect on your relationship,” you tried to explain as sweetly as possible. 

You took a step closer to Lo’ak and examined his face. Though his tears had dried and his eyes were now puffy, you could still tell there was a great sadness within him. You wished you could take all his pain and suffering so he didn’t have to. 

“I don’t know who I am besides the fuck up, or the troublemaker. I feel like my entire existence is defined by all the things I am not. Defined by the way I’m different from Neteyam or Kiri. I want to be defined by who I am, but I don’t even know who that is most of the time,” said Lo’ak. “I try so hard, but it is never enough to satisfy my father. Or myself. I feel this heavy pressure in my chest and no matter what I do to relieve it, it stays. If I am not meant to be the next Olo’eyktan or the next Tsahik, then who am I meant to be? Sure–I am training to become a warrior, but I’m not sure if this is something I want or if it is a role I am forced into. I know I’m impulsive and reckless and irresponsible, but I try so hard, but what if that isn’t enough to look over all my flaws and mistakes?”

You moved even closer and tucked one of Lo’ak’s front braids behind his ear. You always loved his hair like this. It suited his face so well. His braids were adorned by various beads, each with its own significance and memory attached to them. The beads he wore today were a pretty amethyst color. Your mind quickly flashbacked to the day you both created the matching beads. You both swam all day in one of the forest’s ponds trying to find the purple stones underwater so you could both craft new beads. Lo’ak almost passed out from lack of air twice and your hair was so tangled by the end of the day that it took your mother three hours to undo the gnarly knots. It was totally worth it, however, because you gained new accessories and memories to match. But before you could let yourself get too far away in the past, you shifted your attention towards Lo’ak and began to speak.

“I see you, Lo’ak. I see all of you. I know that you feel like a lost soul and that you get too caught up in comparing yourself to the rest of your family. And I truly wished you didn’t compare yourself to others so much because you are so special.” Lo’ak’s face grew warm at your words. Before he could respond, you interrupted him and continued to talk. “You feel like you are too different from your family and think you do not fit in, but you do! You are the light of your family; you bring laughter and happiness. The Sully dynamic would not be the same without you–it would be too serious and no one would have fun! Lo’ak, you have a strong heart like your father. Even though you could use some impulse control, I know you never have ill intentions. We are still so young and have so much more maturing to do. Do not let yourself be defined by the mistakes of your past. Mistakes are bound to happen–they are as natural as birth and death. You’re the light of my life too. Without you, there is no one else in this clan that could make me smile as much as you do. No one to explore with and quench our thirst for curiosity. You say that you are impulsive, but there is too much excitement in your body to contain it. I love seeing your excitement and wander–it is a reminder of Pandora’s goodness and the way Eywa intended us to live. You are not irresponsible, you are just learning along the way like we all are. There is no one like you, and my heart is torn because you do not see yourself in the same way. I pray to Eywa that you could see yourself through my eyes.” You then placed one hand on Lo’ak’s chest, right above his heart.

“​​Nga yawne lu oer, Lo’ak.” There was no going back now. You said it–the words that would either be fatal to your soul or make your heart sore higher than the Hallejuah Mountains. And though there was a risk of Lo’ak rejecting you completely, you jumped off the fragile cliff that your friendship lived on. All the intimate moments, the knowing smiles, and the lifetime of shared memories led you to this moment. 

A moment of silent pass as you waited for Lo’ak’s response to your confession. Lo'ak did not expect you to confess, but he knew at some point it was bound to happen. Just not right now, under these cruel circumstances, in a time of devastation.

You shouldn’t have confessed. Lo’ak wasn’t ready for it.

The look in your eyes was so sincere and so full of unconditional love. You are the only person who could truly see Lo’ak for everything that he is and everything he was meant to become. The light hit your eyes in the right way and Lo’ak could swear they were glittering. Ewya blessed her with both heart and beauty, he said in his head. Lo’ak could only stare as he still reeled from your heartfelt speech. He wasn’t an idiot—Lo’ak knew that there was a special chemistry between him and his best friend. And he also knew that it was the type of chemistry that only two people in love have. Lo’ak has known ever since he was a small child that you were his endgame. Your years spent together only solidified his hypothesis. 

Life on Pandora could be unforgiving and unrelenting, but you were the complete opposite. You were forgiving, always ready to accept Lo’ak back into your arms and heart after every mistake he made. Though these mistakes were rarely made towards you, you still welcomed him every time. You were always there for him. But, Lo’ak didn’t fall in love with you because of the fact you were always there for him. It did play a big part, but Lo’ak knew that would be a selfish reason for falling in love. Instead, Lo’ak fell in love with you because you were…well, you. You were kind and always treated your fellow clan members with the utmost consideration and respect. You were perceptive, never wanting to misconstrue a situation and analyzing all nuances before speaking on something. Because of this, everything you said or did was genuine. Lo’ak loved this the most about you. Where Lo’ak felt everyone in the clan (excluding his family and Spider) give him fake niceties, you were 100% authentic towards him. You never condescendingly spoke to him or treated him like a chore that had to be put up with. Compassion and understanding were what you treated Lo’ak with. These are all things he rarely experienced with other Na’vi. Yet, you also weren’t afraid to call out Lo’ak on his bullshit and humble him. You somehow balanced outspokenness and tenderness all at once. This lit a fire in Lo’ak soul.

This thought both excited and scared him. The thought of loving someone unconditionally, and being loved unconditionally, seemed like something too good to be true. Only something reserved for people who deserved it. Lo’ak knew you deserved unconditional love, but it couldn’t be with him. Despite everything you said about him and the way it almost glued together his broken self-esteem, Lo’ak could not return your confession in good consciousness. It’s not that Lo’ak didn't love you–hell, he loves you more than anyone or anything on this moon! But, his insecurities would not allow you to love him or allow him to love you. He didn’t deserve to love or be loved, not when his insecurities kept up awake at night, taunting his brain with “You’ll never be good enough” or “You’re a failure of a son and brother.” You deserved better than Lo’ak and all of his broken parts. You needed someone who was the best–someone like Neteyam, but not Neteyam himself because that would be the final nail in Lo’ak’s coffin. Lo’ak knows his recklessness, impulsivity, and natural gravitation toward the unknown was acceptable because he is young. These may be the traits you love about Lo’ak now, but he knows very well these are the same traits that can make you fall out of love with him too. After all, you won’t be young forever and it won’t be cute forever. But what if he never grows out of this? What if this is who he is meant to be? No, Lo’ak would not subject you to this fate. 

And so, for once in his life, Lo’ak let fear take over his decision. Your face morphed into an expression of shock and confusion before settling on a still face.

“I am sorry, syulang. I can’t do this right now.” 

You watched Lo’ak retreat from the spot you both stood in. What the fuck just happened?

You spent the next few days in a strange haze as you processed what happened between you and Lo’ak. At first, you were angry. How could Lo’ak just leave you hanging like that? For Ewya’s sake, he could have said anything else and it would have been a better response than what he said. You laid your fucking heart out on your sleeve, waiting for Lo’ak to take it and claim it forever. After your initial response to the situation, you started to worry. Maybe you misinterpreted your relationship. What if Lo’ak didn’t love you and you just thought he did because of how close you were? No, that didn’t sound right. You knew Lo’ak loved you too. Not even in a delusional way to comfort yourself, but there was no denying you both loved each other. Did you just confess at the wrong time? Perhaps it would have been better if you confessed when Lo’ak wasn’t fighting with his father. But, you didn’t even mean to confess! Well, you did mean to confess but not at that exact moment. You were trying to comfort Lo’ak and reassure him that he was wrong, that someone could love him. It just seemed like the right thing to say. What if it wasn’t? What if it overwhelmed Lo’ak and pushed him away? Now you felt like the jerk for confessing at such a moment. But Lo’ak was a jerk too for just leaving you! You really wished you could talk to him, or that he would talk to you, but the timing was horrible. The war party went out a few days ago, and it was Lo’ak’s first time joining the mission. But of course, things never go as planned. Over-enthusiasm from Lo’ak’s and an injured Neteyam caused Mr. Sully to put Lo’ak on lockdown for the last few days. This was the first day Lo’ak was allowed some freedom to explore, that’s what Kiri told you before she left with her brother, Spider, and Tuk. You wanted to join them in their adventure today, but you were still reeling from your last conversation with Lo’ak and decided it would be better to stay in the village. You needed one more day to unscramble your thoughts before approaching him.

The tension between you and Lo’ak had been festering, but it quickly came to a stop once you saw him walk back into the village with his entire family. Jake and Neytiri walked walk in front of their children with heavy looks on their faces. Jake looked angry, yet worn at the same time. His mouth was pressed in a tight line and the wrinkles in his forehead looked more apparent than they ever have before. Neytiri walked beside Jake with Tuk’s hand in hers in a tight grasp, as if she never wanted to let her baby go ever again. Her expression was harder to read, but you could tell the tsakarem was worried by her stiff posture. Kiri trailed behind her parents with a slouchy form and arms across her torso. She looks dejected. And finally in the back were Neteyam and Lo’ak. Spider was nowhere to be seen, which you found odd as he went with the rest of the Sully children into the forest, but you assumed he must have gone back to the human outpost before curfew. 

I wonder what happened. Something must have happened if the entire family walked in like that. 

Jake and Neytiri quickly made their way to their kelku and closed the opening flaps before any of their children could come in. The Sully children then made their way toward the side of their kelku and leaned forward on their hands as they attempted to listen to their parent's conversation. You wanted to make your way towards them and figure out what the hell happened. Just as you were about to walk over to them, Lo’ak turned around and his eyes scanned the village as if he were looking for something or someone. Lo’ak’s eyes then met yours and with a small nod, you understood what he was trying to say. Later. At our spot. 

Your stomach turned to bubbles as a feeling of cold anxiety washed over your body. You weren’t sure if it was because of Lo’ak or something else, but you knew whatever it was, it was not good. 

Lo’ak was already sitting on the bioluminescent forest floor when you arrived at the small clearing which was designated as our spot. It was a hidden clearing–away from any of the main trails and hunting and gathering spots that the clan used. You first found the clearing one day after playing a round of hunter and prey with Lo’ak and Spider. 

Flashback

You were both 12 years old. Your hair was cut in a sharp, shoulder-length bob because you claimed long hair only got in the way. A bright orange and yellow ombre feather decorated the underside of your hair. A simple beige-toned weaved top and matching ‘tewng adorned your small body as you ran away from Lo’ak. He loved playing the role of hunter–you assumed it because of the way Lo’ak looked up to his father.  He wanted to be like the Olo’eyktan in every way possible. This was before their relationship had a strain in it. Both you and Lo’ak were unmarred from the harshness of war. The only thought that filled both of your minds was what adventure you would get into next. 

As you giggled profusely and thought of where to run next, you noticed that you were in a different part of the forest that you never visited before. You searched for any familiar landmarks, or plants that would signify where you were. The giggles that previously escaped your mouth quieted down as the situation dawned on you. You were lost in the forest all alone! Your mom was going to kill you, but only if a nantang or palulukun didn’t kill you first. 

“Lo’ak, are you there!!!!!,” you screamed at the top of your lungs. That probably wasn’t the smartest move. A predator could be attracted to your sound. But you figured it would be better to call for Lo’ak. If any predators came, you could climb a tree and wait it out. 

“Lo’ak!!!” you continued. Worry was starting to creep in. If you didn’t find Lo’ak soon, there was no way you would be able to survive the night in the forest. 

As you looked around the clearing again, you noted that it was quite pretty. A small pond, decorated with pink paysyuls, sat in the middle of the forest. The sun streamed through the trees and you could see the fishes elegantly swim in the water. A pack of loreyu sat directly across the pond, along with eanean bushes right next to it. The clearing was simple, but you knew that it was much more than that. Like everything else Eywa created, the clearing served a purpose and was spiritually connected to the Na’vi. Perhaps its purpose was unknown until this moment. You decided that the purpose of the clearing would be a secret spot only known to both you and Lo’ak. The thought excited you, and you quickly imagined a lifetime of moments here.

Flashback Over

Lo’ak sat with his arms extended behind him with his back facing you. You could see the tension in his back muscle as he sat there, looking up towards the night sky. One of Polyphemus’ moons was shaped like an ikran claw. Despite the moon’s brightness in the sky, the stars still twinkled. A soft, minty green glow emitted from the bioluminescent leaves Lo’ak sat upon. His tanhi, patterned perfectly on his body like Ewya directly hand placed each freckle herself, glowed like the sky above him. Lo’ak was lost in his thoughts as he silently spoke to Ewya, questioning what her intention was. You cleared your throat to grab Lo’ak’s attention.

“Hey…” he muttered under his breath. You replied with a soft hello before taking your place next to him. There was still an awkward tension lingering between the two of you, but you pushed it away. Whatever happened a few days ago didn’t matter anymore. You knew something serious happened in the Sully family and you knew your best friend needed you right now. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened this time?” you quoted Lo’ak as you looked into his eyes for the first time in a few days. The dark lighting only enhanced the rich shade of his honey-colored eyes. They glowed brightly in the dark. His eyes resembled the shiny topaz glass jewels located deep in the rainforests’ many caverns–both were a sight to behold. 

Lo’ak thought he should rip the bandage off. There was no point in delaying the traumatic news he just received from his parents. 

“My family and I are leaving the forest.” 

You were confused by his statement. Leaving where? There was no other place to go. The forest was your home, his home. “Do you mean that you’re visiting another tribe for diplomatic reasons,” you asked with a slight tilt in your head to match confusion. Why would this be so important that he needed to meet you at your spot? This wouldn’t be the first time the Sully family has left on diplomatic retreats.

“No, (Y/N). My family and I are leaving the forest permanently,” Lo’ak replied. Your heart dropped into the pits of your stomach. Now you were just getting annoyed. You haven’t spoken to Lo’ak in the days, and the first thing he does is try to pull at your leg. “Lo’ak if this is a joke, then it’s not funny. What are you talking about?” you said with a stern voice. Lo’ak stared at you as if he didn’t want to explain further. It’s true, he didn’t want to explain further because it meant that what was happening was real and there was no way to delay or stop the situation.

“Earlier today, when we were exploring the forest, we saw footprints in the dirt that didn’t belong to any Na’vi. It was sky demons. We followed the footsteps to an abandoned shack. I knew we weren’t supposed to be there, but then we spotted a group of uniltìranyu in military gear. I quickly paged my father and let him know what we found. But as we were trying to leave back to the forest, the uniltìranyu captured us and held us hostage…”

“What?” you let out in shock. The magnitude of Lo’ak’s words hit you like a poisoned arrow. Dreamwalkers? How could that be true? The last dream walker to walk the ground of Pandora was Jake Sully…and that was 14 years ago.

“I-I  thought we were going to die. They treated us like we were animals. As if we were the ones who invaded their planet and deserved to be captured and hung. All I felt was primal fear and the instinctual reaction to protect my family. We were held hostage until my parents and brother came to our rescue. But, it was too late by then. They figured out who were and our relation to my father.  They even captured Spider…” Lo’ak had to stop speaking. The familiar tightening of his throat began. You could tell he was about to cry, but you pushed further. Honestly, your brain was fuzzy at this point. It was so fuzzy to the point that you didn’t even process the news of Spider, your tiny human friend, being captured. It completely slipped your mind. You didn’t have time to think about the implications of this news as you could only process one thing and one thing only: Lo’ak was leaving. The Sullys were leaving!

“What does that have to do with you leaving the forest?”

“Don’t you understand, syulang? They know who we are. Our lives are at risk! The whole clan is at risk if we continue to stay.” Lo’ak explained in frustration. “I don’t want this, I don’t want to leave the only place I’ve ever known. How can I leave the forest while Spider is out there, going through Eywa knows what, with those demons? How can I leave you?” Fat, wet tears streamed down Lo’ak’s face as he spoke. 

Crack. The sound of your heart breaking reverberated in your ears. All you could hear was a dull ringing. Your best friend, the love of your life–how could he just leave like that? You questioned the will of Eywa. How could she be so cruel to tear you both apart? Especially after your confession the other day? You wanted to curse and scream and cry all at once. However, you knew you had to be strong for Lo’ak. 

You held Lo’ak’s body in silence. You were both in a catatonic state. An hour or so had passed since his initial confession. The atmosphere was serene, a heavy contrast from the dark storm brewing in both of your minds. This may be the last time you would ever get to hold Lo’ak like this and fully enjoy his presence. All of the years spent together slowly meshed in your mind as you tried to calm yourself down with memories of happier times. You honestly didn’t know how you could survive this life without your other half. 

Lo’ak wasn’t faring any better than you. His continuous sniffles vibrated on your body. He barely looked up, wanting to savor the feeling of your bodies pressed together in such an intimate way. His mind was in a haze as he processed the situation. This wasn’t real life, it couldn’t be real life. His life was perfectly balanced with you. If Eywa sought to protect the balance of life, why would she take you away from him? Why would she take away Spider? 

Tomorrow is never promised. That is a cruel lesson you learned today. It was probably best that you and Lo’ak head back to the village and sleep, but you didn’t want this night to end. You wanted to savor every last moment. Memorize every stripe on Lo’ak’s body, every green speck in his eyes, the way his eyebrows moved, and how his body felt right next to yours. How could you say goodbye to 14 years of memories in one night? It seemed impossible. 

As you stared at the light reflecting off the pond, you knew there was one topic you had to broach. You weren’t sure if this was the right time, but it was the only chance you had. After all, Lo’ak only had one more day in the clan before his family set off to Eywa knows where. You knew the forest of Pandora held many clans, but you suspected his family would be going somewhere even further than that. You tried to calm the rapid pace of your heart, but your nerves refused to settle down. So, you sent a quick prayer to Ewya, turned to Lo’ak, and quietly said, “The other night, when I said I love you, why didn’t you say it back?”

You didn’t want to fight with Lo’ak–not on a night like this, where blood has been shed and a family has been torn from normalcy. But, you had to talk to Lo’ak about this. What if you never saw him again? You couldn’t live the rest of your life with unresolved feelings. It would drive you utterly insane and wreck your soul for as long as you live. 

(Y/N)...”

“I’m being serious, Lo’ak. Why did not you say it back? I know this is the last thing on your mind right now, but you cannot leave me hanging. You owe me more than that and you know it,” you said with determination in your voice. 

You then stood up. This was not a conversation you could have sitting down. The anxiety coursing through your veins made it impossible to sit still. Lo’ak followed your actions and stood up too. 

“I was afraid,” he replied.

“Afraid of what Lo’ak? We have always been so honest with each other.” You thought you would always understand Lo’ak, but perhaps you were mistaken. You didn’t understand what there was to be afraid of. You both loved each other, shouldn’t that be enough? You failed to realize that love isn’t enough sometimes. There are forces beyond your control that make love unsustainable and out of your reach, despite how close you are to it. Eywa did not teach you this lesson. Lo’ak did. 

Lo’ak was faced with two choices at this moment: he could confess his love to you or he could deny it. He so desperately wished he could choose the first choice. Something within him would not allow himself to whether it was because he was about to leave and he could not promise himself to you, or because he was so far deep in his inner turmoil. Lo’ak felt anger bubbling in his chest. This anger wasn’t directed towards you, but himself. He cursed his inability to allow himself to fully love you because of his internal issues. No, he justified the second choice in his mind with weak reasons as to why he could not confess his love. 

If he said confessed, Lo’ak knew you would spend the rest of your days waiting for his return. If he ever returned. You deserved more than that. You deserved someone who could love you now. The prospect of you waiting for him, only for Lo’ak to stay the same Na’vi he was now, a version of himself that wasn’t proud of, haunted him. Yeah. Lo’ak framed his reasoning to focus on you, rather than himself because it made the harsh reality less painful. Damn the fact he was leaving, he would wait 100 years for you too if he confessed. The reality was Lo’ak could not confess his love because he couldn’t give his all to you, not when his judgment and self-worth were clouded by thoughts so dark that Eywa would be heartbroken to learn one of her children, whom she created with love and adoration, did not love himself. 

Either way, he was about to break your heart for the second time within days. 

“You are the other half of my soul and if there is any person who can understand me, it is you. But, I cannot love you. I’m sorry syulang.” There was a sorrowful look across Lo’ak’s face. Your body deflated at his words and the familiar sting of tears gathered in your eyes. He didn’t want to continue, but if was going to break your heart, you at least deserved a proper explanation.

“You are the most lovely and wonderful woman on this planet; the idea of you not being in my life hurts more than a palulukan attack. But I swear on my life to Eywa when I say this, but it is not you. It’s me. You have always been this positive being in my life, and I always hoped it would rub off on me and make me a better man. I thought, maybe if that ever happened, we could be together in the future. I would finally be worthy of all the love you have to offer. I am not good enough for you. I would only drag you down with the weight of my heavy problems,” Lo’ak finished.

“But it’s not your choice to decide who deserves me,” you let out with an exasperated tone. “How can you stand here in front of me and deny the bond we have? The love we have? The other day when I confessed that I see you and you ignored it, I brushed it off my shoulder because I was sure, with every fiber of my being, that you see me too. That you love me. But now you are leaving, and Eywa knows when the fuck you are coming back, and you can't even admit it out loud?” you questioned. 

“Don’t you get it? I am not doing this because I want to deny the bond we have. I feel our bond every day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Even in my dreams, you are there. Your essence is built into the foundation of my bones. I just can’t love you. No good would come of it. I’m the clan’s outcast. Yes, we are best friends and we know each other like the back of our palms. But I won't let you carry the burden of my imperfectness,” Lo’ak choked with a sob at the end. 

Without missing a beat, you tirade, “I think everything you are saying is complete bullshit. How could be absolute about something that has not been realized? We have spent the last 14 years together. I know you better than I know myself, Lo’ak. And I know you see me too, so what are you so afraid of? There is nothing that you could ever do that would scare me away from loving you. I love you for who you are–flaws and all. I notice everything about you, the good and the bad. I know you have feelings so big and nerve-wracking that you do not know how to handle them except by convincing yourself that they are true. But you cannot stand in my face and claim that this is for my own good. No, you are saying all this because you are too scared of the possibility that I might see through all that and decide that you are not worth the trouble, that every judgment the clan and your father says about you is right.”

You stepped a few feet away from Lo’ak and then turned towards the direction of the village. He hadn’t said a word since you finished your speech. Your entire back was facing Lo’ak until you turned your head over your shoulder to look back at him. The tears that pooled in your eyes began to flow like a sad waterfall that was dying, the tears slowly rolling down your stripped cheeks in an antagonizing matter. Your golden eyes stared into Lo’ak’s. He could see the hurt etched across your iris and he was sure his eyes looked just as pathetic and broken. It was a moment that would forever be engrained into Lo’ak’s memory. You opened your mouth and delivered the final blow to this already crestfallen night,

“Maybe I was wrong, maybe you don’t see me. Because if you truly did, you would know that I would not care about your weaknesses. I don’t even care about them now. I refuse to believe that you cannot love me too. You are a lot of things Lo’ak. A coward is not one of them. I’ll see you tomorrow to say goodbye.” 

And at this moment, Lo’ak knew this was the biggest of all his fuck ups. He had managed to ruin a lot of good things and moments. Never knowing when the party is over and when the business began. When it came to you, his sweet tìyawn, Lo’ak never made any serious mistakes. So why was he doing it now? Lo’ak’s eyes burned as he stared at your figure walking away from him and the future you could’ve had together. 

translations: eylan - friend, Olo’eyktan - male clan leader, tstxa'a - canalyd, kelku - home, palulukan - thanator, syulang - flower, loreyu - helocordian, skxawng - moron, Toruk Makto - toruk rider, Palulukun Makto - thanator rider, Tsahik - clan spiritual leader, Nga yawne lu oer - i love you, tsakarem - successor to the tsahik, ‘tewng - loincloth, nantang - viperwolf, paysyuls - water lily, eanean - blue plant, tanhi - bioluminescent freckle, uniltìranyu - dream walker, tìyawn - love

credits for dividers: leafs (x) green line (x)

[vampirehizzies]

enobaria or foxface for the ask game!

send me a character and i'll tell you:

ENOBARIA ♡

My first impression: unlike with clove i was intrigued by eno from the start especially when katniss straight up said she ripped out someone's throat and i immediately began rooting for her

My impression now: i adored meta golding playing her, she's one of my favorite district 2 girls ever and i love the balance between her being deadly and vicious and loyal because thats what her culture taught her while at the same time wanting revenge for her mistreatment by the capitol

Favorite thing about that character: her teeth and what she did, but it doesn't define her, it emphasizes how ruthless and strong she is which is why i like it

Least favorite thing: there is nothing wrong with her, especially because honestly she presented herself as a lot more civilized and mature than cato and clove did - which makes sense since they were teenagers taught to enjoy brutality and we all know how teens act, but eno just didnt have the same problem of arrogance and could be cutthroat without accidentally coming off as an unempathetic cold hearted jerk

Favorite line/scene: let them have a taste of their own medicine - what i adore about suzanne collins is that with even one powerful line she can completely change how a character is perceived, and thats so clearly true in the case of the district 2 characters who seem to be one thing but then end up having a secreg deeper complexity that katniss didnt notice

Favorite interaction that character has with another: baring her teeth at katniss as an intimidation tactic will never not be funny

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: i would have given an arm to actually see her mentor clove

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: mazikeen smith from lucifer - both badass women of color that hurt people but also deep down have some kind of emotional struggle

A headcanon about that character: i might be a basic bitch in that i think for the most part the teeth thing was done without her consent while she was sleeping/in surgery after her Games, but its also plausible she did it on purpose - not to scare off sex traffickers but as some kind of weird guilt response?

A song that reminds me of that character: Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer and/or Carry On by The Score (i think that this song relates to all d2 tributes in general)

An unpopular opinion about that character: idk that I really have one sorry shes not particularly controversial as far as fandom goes and everyone's takes on her are for the most part usually pretty solid/defensible

Favorite picture:

the gorgeous waves of hair and the crazy look in her eyes and the teeth!!

FOXFACE ♡

My first impression: i don't remember because it was a long time ago but i don't think i had any significant thoughts about her other than whatever katniss said which was basically okay she's a sly redhead with a thing for botany

My impression now: i don't spend a lot of time thinking about her but i think she could be a potentially interesting character to examine especially how she thinks since katniss praises her intelligence

Favorite thing about that character: she's really smart and nimble which is cool

Least favorite thing: i don't have one she is extremely not at all controversial

Favorite line/scene: in the movies i liked her at the plant stations, in the books it was the thing with like the career pack's cornucopia mines and how she managed to outsmart whatever the d3 kid did to it

Favorite interaction that character has with another: she has not talked or allied with anyone ever as far as we know. her bumping into katniss in the movie was pretty funny - although i can't remember if that was a blooper/deleted scene or not.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: ......... yeah can you tell i never think about her, but oddly enough my weird pairing is glimmer/foxface

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: I'm at a loss for how to answer this so ignore

A headcanon about that character: she must be really into solving puzzles as a hobby

A song that reminds of that character: the brain is not braining for this one i haven't thought about foxface in years

An unpopular opinion about that character: the berries thing probably wasn't suicide, i get the logic of where that comes from but me personally if i was close to ending the games a winner i would just wait all of it out. maybe she didn't recognize nightlock because it just didn't appear at the plant station? anyways the point was that katniss overestimated her.

Favorite picture:

the pfp of @foxx-face-blog

[theanxiousghostartist]

TMAGP (Re) Designs - 1

Gwendolyn Bouchard

TMAGP SPOILERS BELOW

I kept Gwen similar to my initial design for her:

1. Redraw of one of her voice actor's (Anusia Battersby's) Instagram posts.

2. Gwen sketch on black background (alt of 3)

3. Gwen sketch on white background

I changed her hair slightly to add a little nod to Jonathan Sims for TMA, since she feels like who he would be if he went on a different path (Idk if that makes sense, I hope it does). I also got rid of her belt to make way for a badge reel. I changed her white button down to a polo to add some more color to her design, but I toned the rest down to match her more. I also gave her more formal pants and shoes, as she feels like the type of gal to overdress for work. I also moved her mole to be closer to the eye as a little reference to the Eye. Lastly, I gave her a gold ring, which has a B on the top - for Bouchard. My theory is that it's a family ring. I gave one to my Elias design as well (:

Character Analysis:

Right off from episode 1, we see that Gwen has a superiority complex - she thinks she is better than the other OIAR workers (especially Lena). Although, this mask does slip a few times - she helps Sam get the correct labels for one of his first cases (this continues throughout the series), she goes into Sam's past and tries to connect with him on how he got to the OIAR, ect. It seems that this "tough skin" mask slips around Sam on occasion, when she is yelled at by Lena, that broken mug scene with Alice, and when she is scared (the Ink5oul interaction, Mr. Bonzo, ect). Usually, the idea of "being superior" comes with an idea of "being inferior." We know Gwen got her job from family involvement and has been at it for a while now. She demands to be taken seriously, to be given respect, to be the best - which ends up being directed towards Lena, as she is the authority Gwen must "prove herself" to. However, if Gwen is the authority, she won't have to worry about proving herself as she is now the "superior authority." This is why Gwen wants Lena's job and why she got it. Furthermore, if she climbs up the ranks of her job, she can prove to her family that she's "good enough." However, this feeling that she's  "inferior" will most likely affect her in thw future; she won't be satisfied with Lena'a job, she'll want the Minister's job, then the next, and the next, and the next, to prove she's "good enough," to prove that she's "getting better," to prove that she's "superior."

Now, let's discuss when her mask slips. When she's with Sam, it slips a few times. This makes sense - he, as the "new guy," looks up to her and asks her for advice, he is, to her, clearly "inferior," as she has been at the OIAR much longer than he has. She drops her mask with him the most on his first couple days, when she's training him. However, after he responds negativity to perhaps the most important time she drops this mask - when she tells the group about Mr. Bonzo, she stops as soon as her laughs her off. She simply doesn't drop this mask near him anymore, he wouldn't believe her anyway.

When Lena yells at her, mainly after the Lady Mowbray incident, we see Gwen drop her mask. She doubts herself - maybe Lena knows more than her?  She starts complying with Lena more after thsi incident, slowly gaining confidence until she is able to put it back up - this occurs, of course, under another mask - one where she kisses up to Lena, and gets on her good side - until she is able to get the minister those files - then her orginal mask is shown again. Now, the reason that her original mask could have been put up once again is because of those files - she knew more than Lena, she had power over Lena - she was superior to Lena. It is quite possible, that whoever gave Gwen these files is manipulating her. My theory is Augustus, but that's in a few of my other posts, and we're not talking about him right now.

Her mask also slips with Alice, especially during the coffee mug scene. Here, she is scared about what she has learned about the Externals /Fears, which Alice knew about (to some extent). Alice is also the one that Gwen has known the longest (and doesn't hate), so it makes sense that her mask would slip. She explains her fears for the future and what the OIAR is actually doing, which Alice relates to. They comfort one another and seem to develop a truce to get through whatever is going on, together (this is probably broken when Gwen goes and gets Lena's job). Her maks also slipped with Alice before this, when she thinks Alice got her coffee - when she thinks someone is thinking of her and value her (I'll touch on this a little later).

Gwen drops her mask the most when she's scared. She fights dropping it and then it eventually drops alltogether - when she gets chased by Mr. Bonzo, when she's talking with Ink5oul, when she see [Error] - every time she tries her best to leave her mask up and be "professional," with this having to be dropped as she's hunted, must to her dismay.

Gwen values when someone "sees" her - when even when she's an ass (Fr3D1 says lol), they still care for her; she doesn't have to do anything to be "worthy" of their love or affection (of any kind). This alludes to her family life, I'm assuming the Bouchards in this universe are still not great and need their family members to prove their "worth" to the family (as we saw in Elias's statement at the end of TMA) - which probably helped along Gwen's issues.

TL;DR - Gwen is trying to covering up her own insecurities and perception of worthlessness with the idea of her being superior and power.

Gwen is such a complex character already, and I love how much insight we get into her motives in just the first season.

[justa-smalltown-gargoyle]

Assassin’s Creed Rogue Thoughts As I Go!

-did not realize this game is so short, woah

-I got spoiled about this game in a YouTube comment section which made me really not want to play it😔

-but I still am because I own it cuz it came with black flag haha

-right off the bat, I wish I knew why Shay joined the brotherhood in the first place. Why is he here? Why does he want to be an assassin? Personally if I was his mentor his way of going about things would indeed worry me

-what happens in Lisbon is horrific. I think they did a really good job of portraying that and feeling that fear and also helplessness that you can do nothing and your actions caused it.

-I think Shay should have actually tried to talk to Achilles first and I think Achilles should have tried talking to Shay as well- I’m frustrated because we don’t even learn if Achilles knew that would happen or not. And also why tf would this device do this? That’s extremely different from any other device from Eden that we have yet to see.

-I do appreciate Shay’s anger at what happen, it makes complete sense to me. However it’s like? He’s just like oh I’m a Templar now I guess. What? Like maybe no side is the good option here? Or maybe, idk, see why this happened???

-people might jump me for this and idk maybe im being to extreme, but this game……is not doing good for repping poc. I mean, yeah this is Ubisoft. And obviously people of color can be morally gray, can be antagonists, they are not a monolith, however I feel like they made Achilles the man in charge of the colonial brotherhood which is so dope and then now they choose to question the brotherhood’s actions? Have him be all about people following without asking questions?

Painting Shay as the one in the right here, the white man, in comparison to the black man? Idk it’s just not sitting right with me. (This is also taking place in the same game you kill that man’s father, the one black man protagonist this game series has had thus far)

-and going off of that, I think it is an important point to show that the assassins are not this beacon of virtue, which I feel the Ezio games and even AC1 taps into. And that not all Templars are nefarious villains. But I feel like isn’t the whole point of the conflict about how ends don’t justify the means? How both sides want peace, but what differs them is what they’re willing to do to achieve it? how the assassins focus on freedom and the Templars focus on control? It doesn’t matter how pure your motives are if you take away peoples freedom to achieve it?

Also looking at who holds power in the world, in our world, how that aligns with who are Templars. The Templars line of thinking is a slippery slope to fascism. The top dogs are fascists, I feel like this game is forgetting that? Maybe that’ll be different by the time I finish playing it. It’s just important to remember what side the maroons were on and what side the plantation owners were on. And to be fair, the Governor in Black Flag was anti-slavery, but did he truly see Black men and women as his equals? My guess is no.

I just feel like “Templars aren’t actually the bad guys!” Is not the nuanced take it’s being painted as.

-so idk i appreciate Shay being a literal human being and being angry about what happened but i question his choices

-also when he’s on the ship and tells Liam about …the women 😀 around the world I was really grossed out. (Also his dialogue is a great example of the Madonna Whore complex!! We love to see it!) (we don’t, that was sarcasm)

-so um he lost some major points from me due to that convo

-he looks better with less facial hair and a ponytail tho

-and I really like Liam! Please don’t make me kill him😭😭😭😭

[mixedkid-matchup]

you do not have to answer this!! I'm using you to confess my dubious feelings for the Percy Jackson series bc you also expressed like some weird feelings about it, and I kind of thought the series was untouchable bc of how much everyone I see fawns over it, and I have GOT to get this off my chest to someone who might get what I'm saying. But I have major issues with the writing/premise/series bc it's just feels so deeply colonized and it's bothered me since it FIRST came out and everyone in middle school and high school was reading it and teachers were assigning it. Like the whole premise for the Greek gods being in the US is that they follow Western "progress" and it completely disregards all the amazing things Indigenous did and our way of life, and also removes the importance of place-based culture for both Greek stories and Native peoples (like okay all the Greek stuff moved to the U.S. but wth happened to all our spiritual figures?? The story completelya cts like Native people weren't here and didn't have complex beliefs and ways of life connected to the land, and the gods were just free to take over here with no issues). As a mixed Indigenous kid it just rubs me wrong in all the worst ways and the academic systems love affair with Greek and Roman stuff and Rick Riordan's sheer popularity has been forcing this stuff in my face foreveeeerrrr 😭😭 I was surprised to see your tags about the fandom being weird before too tho since I don't interact with it, so I hope you don't mind this ask and just know I kinda feel the same way!! Ok thanks bye sorry for the rant.

BRO I HAVE HAD THIS RANT ON HAND FOR A LONG TIME ITS OKAY!!!!!!!!!

I THINK IF HEARD ABOUT THIS ACTUALLY. but you explained it way better. like when i first read percy jackson ok fine i was 11, i obviously caught onto the ableism and such but i did not catch onto this until i thought about it when i got older. you're super right. the whole thing about ww2 being caused by demigods was the weirdest shit ever i literally did not remember reading it until i read lightning thief again last year. why did hitler need to be child of hades. THAT IS QUITE LITERALLY HOW PERCY DESCRIBES HADES WHEN HE SEES HIM. LOOKING LIKE HITLER. then what you're saying how they move with the places that are the most progressive and basically take over..... like it's just ..... incredibly misplaced and insensitive.

but about the fandom being weird (its literally encouraged by riordan's book tbh), in heroes of olympus, hazel is a black girl from lousiana in the 1930s?? or 40s idk anyways i think she dies and then nico brings her back. whatever, everyone draws her lightskin and with orange hair, and super skinny, (which she's from louisana. shes darkskin and does not have "caramel" hair i hate white men sometimes.) and shes like 13 btw and in a relationship with frank whos like 16. weird as hell and everyone thinks theyre so sweet. and also rick cannot write meaningful young women. and especially not girls of color. like its WEIRD how piper is portrayed as some pick me girl she constantly feels the need to express shes not like the Aphrodite girls. and rick had to make it weird with aphrodite anyway by making them a whole stereotype of snobby boys and girls who love putting on makeup. they had drew, an asian girl & counselor of aphrodite, straight up mean to piper bc she likes jason. like for no other reason. drew only wants to participate and go on the quest because of jason. and other stereotypes like making leo, latine, be super flirty.

and lets really talk about how annoying annabeth was about the blondes are dumb stereotype because, girl we can talk about misogyny and people not letting you do things because of it, but lets also talk about how you are TWELVE, and the blonde stereotype is tired. i never liked annabeth, she was really tone deaf as someone whos half black. OH AND FRANK. they had this weird ass arc where they implied he was fat because of lack of confidence? like when he got confident he, lost weight... because of a blessing of mars? i dont even know.

like as i get older its more and more annoying to see it. i literally rolled my eyes when i saw rick talking about colorblind casting when people got mad about annabeth. he could of said anything else. how this could reconceptualize annabeth's arc around misogyny and now racism. and purposely alter her character to fit this new black annabeth. but no. people treat colorblind casting as a pinnacle of progressiveness.

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

HELLO MODS OF THINKING ABOUT MILGRAM ... what do you think about the new mv please infodump on me

Saturn's Thoughts - I love milgram so much for all their little details!!! Like at the very beginning we can know that the hand that flipped the hourglass was Mu's victim due to the shirt color?? (Admin Venus might start crying if you mention socks though) Also straight up, I want the worker bee dresses. They're so pretty?? And of course Admin Venus comes out with an immediate banger of a theory, Mercury has the most internet meme ever, and admin Neptune even came out of her hole to offer whatever the heck this is!!! And this shot?? Literally gives me goosebumps.

(Also congrats on finishing your finals Galacticus!!!)

Venus’ Thoughts - I’m not going to go too far into info dumping because I already did a whole initial takes post (as Saturn so kindly linked), but I will say that I really liked this MV! It’s deceptively complex; even though the fact that Mu was a bully in the past was technically “new information,” they knew that the fanbase would already know/expect that. So, while they tell that story, they bring in the bee/chrysalis/butterfly metaphors, the hourglass flipping back and forth, the lyrics which seem so self-obsessed but still fearful at times, and, of course, the parallels with After Pain. The song itself is a solid banger, too! Plus, even though it feels to me like the verdict should be a super obvious guilty, I’m not sure about doing it. Unlike the first video, where (in my opinion) Mu was the victim but lacked charisma/likability, I think that in this video, she’s clearly the bully, but she’s much more likable/rootable. She has that hint of self doubt; rather than painting herself as a victim who’s done absolutely nothing wrong, she paints herself as the villain who worries that that’s exactly what she is. That’s much more compelling to me, and I’m glad that they took this more aware path forward with her.

Neptune’s Thoughts - It’s bug time! First off Venus idk how you continue to come up with such banger initial thoughts posts considering how few braincells we had last night but pop off. Anyways, I really liked the whole bug/queen bee concept and the continuation of the hourglass metaphor. I was confused about why she ate the green stuff at first but it makes sense for it to be royal jelly. The parts that stood out to me the most were her causally shoving the servant bee to their death and how she quickly transitions from a look of “what did I just do” after stabbing the victim to a maniacal happy look.

Mercury’s Thoughts! - Hello loves! Mercury here with absolutely no comprehesable thoughts! Right when we were watching it at 2am, my brain first thought “Oh god not the Chimera Ant Arc AGAIN.” And then “lmao Queen Chrysalis looking ass” and finally “man Muu and Chloe Bourgeois are kinda similar lol.” OKOK onto actual thoughts! Muu’s frilly collar is absolutely supposed to look like a flower. TIME FOR MORE FLOWER ANALYSIS WOO!!! The closest one I can find is yellow hibiscus, specifically one that has the red veins like her collar. Like a lot of yellow flowers, yellow hibiscus represent friendship, joy and good luck. LMAO

Another thing I noticed is after Muu “breaks” most of her servant bees, the three left are notably the ones with bright colored hair. By looking at their hair styles, they’re her friends from the picture in After Pain and the ones she was with on the rooftop in INMF. (kinda off topic, but all of Muu’s servant bees have small wings from the beginning, but Muu has a transformation at the end to get wings. Not exactly sure where I’m going with this tho??)

Finally, both Muu and Haruka similarly have a shot of their victim flash super quickly at the end. I don’t think that’s coincidental that the two characters that are notably together in Milgram have a similar shot in their MVs.

[thekenikaridevblog]

uhh kenikari dev fun facts because why not

Under spoilers bc this thing is long with tons of images and text, but it doesn’t spoil any future game events dont worry

this was the first ever sprite I did for the game! I ended up discarding it bc it was more like a joke to see how the style would work and all. I hadn’t settled on a color for the tongue yet and I already had half of what would become the hair shading style

Originally I wanted to made the sprites more simplistic so to speak by adding next to no shading, because I wanted to draw them in far more different poses n stuff. In the end i realised that you would literally be looking at these for 90% of the game so they should probably be nicer and have actual shading

I made an alteration lol

Here’s the first ever shaded sprite, with Chuyo. The shaded hair had settled in, though I would end up giving him a different symbol thingie. I still followed the rule of somewhat minimal shading, but as my style developed I put it more details in the sahding and cloth folds. A fun fact about him is that I made him and the sprite and I put a name to the sprite and then i put it in my pc folders

And then I couldn’t find this sprite but it was okay bc his wheelchair design had changed and my style had too so I redid him completely. and gave him a nose lol. and then when it was time to present him in the game i DEADASS FORGOT I GAVE HIM A NAME. SO I MADE ANOTHER ONE.

his og name was Misuke and that’s the name of this file lol

A forgotten sprite for Lare’s presentation that i didnt end up using bc it kinda looked like an ahegao. if we push that aside you can compare it to the sprites that do appear in the game and see how I altered them later down the line to give her slightly more complex and accurate shading to the game’s current style. I’d say the biggest difference is the whole collar thingie. Originally the dress and shirt were meant to end like. the same way. but then i dont know how i came up with it but i started making the dress more square-y and it differentiated itself more from the shirt, so i changed the sprites to reflect that specifically

a lil drawing I made in 2019 with a laptop trackpad of Mako. I made another one before that and it was the first ever drawing of her, but I can’t find it so I can’t put it here

Originally Mako was meant to have more bruises and bandages but i ended up simplifying it so it could be easier to animate her and draw her from afar. She was the most complex design I’d made back then and I still kinda think she is, topped with other characters like Mero (he doesnt appear in the game its a sepparate mf)

the og Lare sprites that i made before i figured out how RPGmaker XP worked. she hasnt changed much, just removed the background and moved them around so that the walking cycle worked properly

in one of the incredibly early builds of the game that I only showed to my parents to test, I made some quick sprites of myself to announce that the demo had come to an end. These were rushed as hell and have a lot of imperfections and color spills, and I only made like 4. They have been removed from the files bc i wouldn’t use them again

the ending screen actually started as a quick doodle in my notebook. I liked it so much that I took a picture of it and digitalised it, and then I decided to use it in the actual game. I would show the original drawing, since i do actually have it, but it’s spoilers. idk maybe ill show it when the part it spoils comes out

This actually got me thinking that it wouldnt be fair if only alex were the one to say goodbye, since he’s not even the damn protag, so I’ve started to form ideas of end screens with the rest of the cast. Maybe the full chapter will have a different end screen, maybe it won’t. It depends if I do actually feel like doing it mid development bc i got bored with other stuff

That’s all, goodbye! :3

[squish--squash]

Thanks for answering my ask......If you don't mind me asking (again), what are your top 10 (or top 7) favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......Thanks....

lol hello again, ty for asking me this! I promise I'll give you more than 7 answers this time lol

Tian Guan Ci Fu/tgcf (book series, donghua) - I stumbled upon this randomly back in 2021 through its brand new donghua and I've loved it ever since. I adore the characters and the plot is both extremely complex and absolutely wild. it's roughly 750,000 words but I was able to read it in a week despite having school because I was so invested in it!

Moriarty the Patriot/mtp (manga, anime)- I think this is funny bc I tried watching bbc sherlock once and did NOT like it, so I just thought I wasn't into the sherlock holmes stuff. WRONG! I just had to discover this. I call this the "best sherlock holmes adaptation" for a reason (check my current pinned post, you'll find many reasons why I love mtp; I don't want to sound like a broken record so I don't plan to repeat them). I can't wait for when (or if) the manga comes out of its break/hiatus

Good Omens (book, show) - both the book and the miniseries/show are so near and dear to my heart. I always have a soft spot for watching supernatural entities fall in love (with each other and) the world around them. also, it's funny as hell

Promare (movie) - goooood I love Promare it's so neat; love the colors and the shapes and the plot is fun despite its simplicity. I could rewatch this movie every day for a month straight and not get tired of it

Arc of a Scythe trilogy (book series) - this is not something I've talked about a love, but this is one of my favorite book series! found it back around the same time I did tgcf; it's fucking insane I loooove the worldbuilding and the main cast, and by the second book every other page was like a plot twist gutting me in the best way possible; it's made me ponder about life and death on more than one occasion too

Matched trilogy (book series) - I started reading this in either 5th/6th grade but didn't really get it so I kinda forgot about it until around 2021-2022 (what? I actually had time to READ that year!) and managed to reread it and it was like a third eye opened. I really enjoyed the mystery unfolding in the trilogy! it's pretty cool imo, even tho I think (?) it was meant for teenagers to read

Not So Shoujo Love Story (webcomic) - this webcomic is so fucking funny AND it's wlw! I've been a fan for years it's so good

Bee and Puppycat/Bee and Puppycat: Lazy in Space (show) - a comfort show of mine (one of many); I'm in love with the atmosphere of the show and how awkwardly real the dialogue tends to be (plus I've been slowly rewatching it with my gf with is always a plus <3); I love both the og and its "reboot" equally, and would recommend people watch both

Snow White with the Red Hair (anime) - I haven't read the manga for this one, but I've seen the anime and it's another comfort show of mine. It's so sweet and cozy and the entire cast is lovable; even the "bad guy" in the first season is someone you grow to root for by the end of the second season. it's great!

Supernatural (show) - even tho I haven't finished the show and idk when/if I ever will, I still consider it a favorite media of mine. not bc I think it's great (it's good in most places, lacking in other), but bc I pretty much grew up with it. I have a core memory of watching the first handful of episodes when I was younger with my dad on the couch with the first time and being hooked on this strange show about supernatural creatures (I was that kid that enjoyed the supernatural! I read ghost story books, I binged every Goosebumps book I could get my hands on in fourth grade, I had a creepypasta phase, etc); even now in 2024 I've been sitting down with my dad to rewatch it with him before I go back to my college dorm and start back up classes. it's less so one of my favorite medias because I think it's good but because I associate it with my family <3

[alma-amentet]

I’ve been tagged by @katastronoot @sheirukitriesfandom and @dirty-bosmer (thank you all! 💖) 

This was sitting in my drafts for a while, just forgot to post...

Not tagging anyone ‘cause idk who hasn’t done it yes... Feel free to take if you feel like!

1. are you named after anyone?

Grandma originally named me after her little sister who died in early childhood. She was babysitting and blamed herself for that accident.

But that was too dull, widespread, and didn’t felt mine, so my nomatophobia started progressing. Finally I renamed myself after Fairytopia Barbie. Best friend started calling me Elina in 2008, when I was pretty much into Barbie movies fandom. It stuck, I started telling everyone it was my actual name, even at work. Then finally changed it legally and never regretted. 

Barbie movies is everything, yeah.

2. when was the last time you cried?

One weekend ago.

3. do you have kids?

Nope, and it’s most probable I won’t. Already in my 30s, didn’t start wanting/regretting yet. I like kids, kids are like flowers, but let them bloom in someone else’s garden. 

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not really. Being neurodivergent, I have troubles with a sense of humour in general. Many things feel more offensive than funny to me, and if I try it myself, it might be rather insulting than funny... So only with closer friends, I guess.

5. what sports do you play/have you played?

Drinking games, lol.

Not a fan of sports and competitions. I prefer fitness\wellness, where you don’t have to compete or show off. Never liked team games as well. As a kid, I enjoyed tennis or badminton a bit, but again, just for fun.

I do yoga a bit, would like to excercise more though.

6. what's the first thing you notice about other people?

Style, clothing, hair, accessories. Whether they have some fandom\music\etc merch on. This way I might identify them as the ones like me, the ones worth talking to - at first sight.

I can be generally cautious, even hostile, about people, esp males and elders. And in general, I prefer meeting people online or in some safe spaces / meetups where everyone shares some interests/hobbies/fandoms. It’s easier for me.  

7. eye color?

blue gray. and I do wear color lenses - need them to see things anyway, so why not have fun with colors? Last year I had red ones and wore them casually.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Happy and clever endings that give you food for thought and make you feel feelings - I’ve been a long time Pixar fan, you know.

There was time I’ve been into mystic horrors, some years ago, but now I’m old and tired even for them. LIfe is a dystopia by itself, I need more kind stuff.

(don’t watch movies much these days, I prefer games).

9. any special talents?

Some say I am outstanding and bold,and that I have great creative potential, and that I inspire some people just by being myself... IDK.

10. where were you born?

a city in the mountains

11. what are your hobbies?

I’m a a self-taught seamstress, I’ve been sewing most of my life (because I always loved creating things myself & from my very childhood wanted some unusual clothes that couldn’t be purchased in regular stores). At times, I took comissions, then were 5 years of cosplaying.

I’m into corsetry (waist-training and making corsets myself).

And drawing, of course.

12. do you have any pets?

Nope. Used to have an aquarium in the past.

13. how tall are you?

5’7″ (170 cm) 

14. fave subject in school?

Biology (just in elem and mid, then it became too complex), english. 

I was also one of the best in literature, but I didn’t like it at all. Just figured out how to get exc grades and did it for the sake of being praised. 

15. dream job?

Illustrator, artist.  

[maddsmallow]

tagged by @thirium-800 !!! fuckin love doing these things lmao let’s goooo

Rules: Tag 10 (or less) people you want to get to know better

relationship status: married for 3 years! will be 4 in september, and we’ll have been friends for 11 years in october ❤️

favorite color: i’m honestly not sure i have a favorite color. it was indigo for a really long time, like during my entire teenage years, but when i moved to be with my husband, i went from trad-goth to more cottagecore?? really weird lmao, so these days i REALLY love, like, muted browns and greens. it’s pretty funny how much it contrasts with the music i listen to, i’ll be in a soft blue sundress with a petticoat and pastel moomin clips in my hair, and then have fuckin like, type 0 neg playing or some shit idk lmao. ANYWAYS to answer the damn question. maybe brown. maybe green. i like those. earthy tones. good stuff

song stuck in my head: ‘runaway’ by aurora. i knew it was popular on tiktok for a while (at least during the short time i used it) but i never heard anything past the little sound clip that was used over and over again, but literally last night i was like, i should hear the whole thing. and holy fuck, the chords n shit that start like halfway thru the song?? goosebumps, its SO GOOD

three favorite foods: [my type 1 diabetes screaming in the background] CHOCOLATE. and then i guess maybe cereal? real healthy stuff i know. and then i guess anything chicken-and-rice related. big slut for rice these days

last song I listened to: besides the one i just talked about above, i think it was ‘i love you’ by woodkid. i got over my stupid fuckin superiority complex about only listening to 60s/70s/80s that i had as a teen a few years ago and i’ve been trying to catch up with more 90s/00s and especially 10s and now 20s music since then, so i really dont know anything about that artist because im still really not like, “in the loop,” but i do really like that song. idek how i found it, probably randomly payed on spotify or something lmao

dream trip: no idea tbh. pretty much just anywhere with my husband [audience boos me off the stage for being sappy] no but real talk, maybe germany? i wanted to go there when i was in elementary school but i cant even remember why. i have a friend here who’s from germany and is moving back in a few months, which makes visiting a lil easier, so that’s cool. i guess japan and china and maybe thailand would be cool to experience. maybe this is really stupid but a video game i liked as a kid made me really interested in like, tibetan monasteries?? so i think it’s be dope to see something like that, assuming it’s, y’know, a respectful thing to visit. i’ve never actually looked into it cuz i just always assumed i’d never have the money to travel :P

last thing(s) i googled: a picture of a poster frame i wanted my husband to get for me haha

tagging: this is always the hardest part im such an open fuckin book when people ask me shit, but reaching out to other people?? im so shy uhHHHH just ignore this if you dont wanna do it, dont feel obligated!! @versailles-dove @the0ldmann @marieantonanton @walkingencyclopediaofweirdmayo @styx1an @felinaszsz @pure-plums @partyinthemysterymachine @starlitflowers-secretgarden @silverloreley TEN WHOLE PEOPLE WHEW

okay byeeee i love uuuuu

[majorshatterandhare]

I have been putting a lot of time into thinking about how I want to execute my own version of mechs amigurumi, inspired by @rainbowstargazerlilies’ series of dolls. I wrote a bunch of it down in a notebook and have sketched out 4 so far. I have looked at yarn, made a random doll to test out a pattern, looked yarn options, planned out modifications to the pattern to create variation in body size and height, procrastinated shit I actually *need* to do, and more. It’s consuming me rn and I don’t even know if it will actually happen. Color matching skin and metal is hard, especially when I want all the skin and hair to be the same brand + line of yarn (have had to make an exception for the brass) and also refused to use acrylic (it feels bad to work with for me and I’ve been using it a lot lately, plus hot summer makes it worse). The clothing and details I’ve planned is intense in terms of work which is part of why IDK if it will ever come to fruition. My brain insists that they must be as accurate as I can make them which means I keep coming up with awesome ideas, but they are a lot of work. Because I’m nothing if not constantly over filling my plate with heavy, complex, time consuming projects of my single coping mechanism (pun non-existent). And staying up far too late; good night.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary262

6/5-6/24

wednesday - thursday

i swam today...

and i loved it. i haven't for so long because... i think it's obvious that part of why i haven't for so long is because i present like, girly and stuff, and like, i am not a man. so it leaves you in uncomfortable territory of what to wear and how to do it but i kind of wore a swimsuit that was rather revealing (not to be too much or anything but my bulge was out and rather obvious i guess (my ass too which i work out a lot and i think helps people see me as not a man maybe or something? (it makes me feel cute at least i guess))) and the point isn't really that i was sexy or whatever (idk if i was but my gf says i was) and more that i was happy and cute-feeling and that i was able to forget about what i look like and be what i am and swim, i didn't care about my hair getting wet or messy and stuff, i just swam, i hovered in the deep end and the water was this milky color i sat there watching the white surface undulate under moonlight, lit from below and still the bottom roughly invisible, two or three stars were really truly twinkling overhead and there was a huge tree casting shadows in odd ways on a wall, against light, as two lights hit it, on the shallow side, another odd tree i swam in place staring at, and i feel like it was good for my body, i was in the pool for like... 3 hours straight? it's been forever, not since highschool have i gone swimming. i am so happy about swimming and there was an older woman who came and talked to us while my gf + her friends + my friends were there (they were grilling and one made rather tasty kebabs and i ate 2 hot dogs too (i fasted for 6 hours today too.. soo yay. i need to do that almost every day i think. i think, think i think.) and my gf made friends with her and she was nice, she's a grad student in another program, she had a tattoo for like, being lesbian, i think. she helped one of our friends who can't swim try to swim, it was incredibly sweet. she is a sweet person and i hope we see her again, she stayed out the whole night with us, we were at the pool until almost 1 am!! gosh! i must have been swimming more than 3 hours. i hope it makes me sore. i want to feel the burn. everyone was impressed that i was good at swimming, which was fun for me. i liked swimming really fast under the surface of the water and doing dolphin-y movements (i felt like a mermaid sometimes, which = feeling way cute and pretty and cool) and getting behind people and scaring them like that.

earlier though, our other neighbor talked to us, she's been doing not well i think for similar reasons i've been feeling crazy and stuff, which are the insects... she's really doing not well though, her apartment is so pristine and still she has them, she says they attack her, and that she can't put them out of her mind, all kinds of things, that she's leaving this place and that her life is getting harder. i feel horrible for her. it's curious how these things all can happen in one day. i feel very happy, i feel very horrible. she talked about how she's lived here for so long but transferred to this side of the complex, that the roaches are here, how awful that is, just everything being super impossible.

there were points where she was describing what she does when she feels them, when they get on her i suppose, and she was hitting herself, it was really sad. she also described how her casino she works at is closing soon, and that she's not really ready for that, that the owner lied to them all. this world is truly awful.

and yet... i swim, and laugh, and people die and i still do it, it's not guilt-making so much as terrifying i guess.

also, while swimming, i did hit my face against the wall of the pool cuz i went too fast, so my face is kind of red, mostly my nose. i hope it's okay.

my friend is also sleeping over right now, right in front of me. i hope he sleeps well and also i think i need to sleep soon, so, idk, what i'll do abt that, since i have to let him out.

anyway i really really have to sleep cuz i am so tired, i did work on one song a bit today, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rippeds0cks]

6/1/2023

The third pic sucks since it was a screenshot of a frame of me moving but I thought it was interesting how I had veins on my elbow. Today was up and down. I had a nice hour or so because last minute me and my buddy went n got Mexican. Normally that woulda been whatever but we always take a tequila shot each just as tradition but this time we took 3 each. And this place serves huge shots so it was more like 5 honestly. He's not a drinker like I am so idk if he was going thru something but I wasn't gonna question since it was his turn to pay. The thing that really made me have a good hour was when I got on the train n I was tipsy and this young woman my age sat next to me and she was wearing an outfit that my ex would wear, same style yknow? Also had the same hair color and style. Then oddly enough she started browsing through some Hunterxhunter merch she was gonna buy and HXH was my exes favorite series n such. If she wasn't asian I woulda thought she was my ex since she had a mask on. Anyways I obviously didn't even think about saying anything but the alcohol plus all these odd coincidences made me remember a buncha stuff about my ex and I spent the next 20 minutes zoned out beyond all imagination reminiscing and staring out the subway window. I even missed my stop to get off n had to get off but by then the alcohol set in and I also forgot my umbrella. It wasn't raining though the weather app lied to me this morning. That's what made my hour good, nothing to do with that random woman, just me deeply going through memories. I really liked that blade runner movie. It was nice to see a main character who wasn't necessarily "the chosen one" or whatever and to have his life be generally pointless. Yeah he contributed to the overarching story but at the end of the day, anyone coulda done that it didn't have to be him. The ending was also really nice as well. Dying alone on some stairs in the snow sounds comforting. Almost makes me wanna wait till winter here before going out to sea. Slowly bleeding out in the middle of a snowy ocean expanse sounds like a good way to go. I think I'll rewatch it a couple times soon since I gotta wait a little over a month regardless. I haven't fought this week since I know I would do amazing. I always fight the best when I feel hollow I don't know why. Maybe cause it's like an animalistic thing to fight so not having complex human emotions makes me better at doing what animals do. I don't know. Anyways