#i guess yeah although that's not what a lot of my ocd work has been focused on

[halfdeadwallfly]

i had. The most horrifying dream last night, and i literally cannot focus on like doing school and shit bc the imagery is jumping into my head at a rate much higher than my normal intrusive thoughts and i really don't know what to do about this right now

[aardvaark]

I watched Leverage growing up and when I eventually discovered the fandom online/on tumblr I was genuinely shocked to see everyone hated The White Rabbit Job when it had been one of my favorite episodes as a teenager. I understand it's fucked up (part of why I liked it) and a little or really a lot campy/unrealistic (part of why I liked it) but I always like (as an exception to the norm ofc, it works best when it's rare) when the mark is sympathetic, and I liked the weird dream state stuff, and what the story brings out in Sophie and Parker's characters/narratives (and Nate, too, and his arrogance/brilliance/faith in the team). I don't think it's necessarily still one of my favorite episodes but I still enjoy it, although I understand better why some people don't like it. It's just funny to me every time I think about it because I always remember my initial reaction of "what do you MEAN people dont like the white rabbit job????" < totally mystified teenager me

huh, i had no idea it was so unpopular! definitely not one of my favourites, and i can see why it might not be well-liked, but i didn’t know how much people disliked it. i’m pretty new to interacting with the fandom here. im guessing the problems are how much they mess with a guy who’s fairly decent iirc and how the idea of that kind of psychological manipulation happening to you would be pretty terrifying. i can understand that. sometimes surreal things are kinda triggering for various reasons - paranoia, delusions, OCD, etc. and no it’s probably not the most realistic of their cons haha!

though mainly i liked the parker moments anyway, not so much the con. there’s:

one of the last major moments in the sophie & parker relationship arc, with sophie saying she trusts parker to talk to the mark alone.

parker proving that sophie was right to trust her, too, because she talks the mark down by herself, and she does it *as parker*, not as a grift and not trying to emulate sophie. she does it in her slightly awkward, very parkerish, completely valid way - she’s earnest and brave, and it’s not what sophie would have said (sophie would probably be very sweet and soothing) but she doesn’t have to talk to people like sophie. parker’s own way of connecting works, possibly better than sophie’s method would have!

parker opening up a little about her brother. and talking about her Feelings to a stranger!!showing a bit of vulnerability and sharing!!

parker coming back at the end and asking if they’re all good, sophie asking her if they’re all good, and parker saying they are.

THE line "they thought i was crazy, but i never was! i never was" which is SO important. parker’s always taken it on the chin when people say she’s crazy, insane, that there’s something wrong with her (and not in the now-affectionate eliot way). people have told her that for a long time. maybe she’s even believed it. but now she insists that not only is she not crazy now (ie after some time with her new family who’ve helped her heal), but that she was never crazy - not when she was a traumatized and grieving autistic kid, not when she was a scared and closed off teen or young adult, not when she does or says things that people call "weird". and she says it like a realization and she sounds so determined and insistent and aaahh!!! it’s just so important!!!!!

anyway yeah. i guess i don’t know about the episode overall, but i enjoyed the parker moments. she’s my favourite, im not even gonna pretend lol. i really like the sophie & parker relationship beats in this one and that it shows how incredibly far parker has come - without changing who she is at her core. that’s how i viewed it, at least! totally willing to hear other opinions tho :)

[solitalien]

AHHH!!!

Gotta let out some steam because I got it all bottled up by overwhelming myself with my thoughts. It be like that though.

So, first off, I want to start off by saying that I'm a bit disappointed with myself. I made a promise to myself a while ago that I would try and take better care of myself, and it hasn't really been working. I've come to the realization that I really just have zero motivation or energy to do anything, so my doctor has prescribed me with medication to help me with that. Hopefully it helps.

As off right now I don't really feel like typing to much about my day but every time I have that feeling it kills me. second guessing myself really does a number on me that I truly don't know what to do. I talk to God a lot now, and it scares me to go against him. Don't worry I'm not a crazy person who will shove my beliefs down your throat and try to convert you to anything because frankly I think that is disgusting. Those types of things should only come naturally and because like any relationship, it's a type of commitment.

Anyway, I've found my comfort in God because I do think he listens to me. All I ever ask of him is to guild me to the right path and it sometimes scares me if I ever go against him. Like today I didn't really feel like going to my friends, so I said I wasn't feeling good. After that I started to stress on it because I felt like I was lying but my dad reassured me that I wasn't feeling good enough to go so yeah, I wasn't feeling good. Then after that I saw an Instagram reel that was like "pov: you think you've received a blessing from God but realized it was from the devil... it was everything you thought you wanted, only to realized that very blessing was pulling you away from God.. (it was not a blessing)." It just made me feel bad about the whole situation and I started to think I was doing something wrong. I'll be fine though, and I do my best to be careful.

I would definitely say though that he has been my friend. Someone very close to me. He cares and listens to me and helps me in ways that real help with my mental health. I haven't read his book though because frankly I just can't and I'm not in the right state of mine to really pick up any book for that matter. I have this friend who's super into God and they highly encourage me to just go and read it because nothings holding me back, and while I do believe that I feel that desire should only come naturally. I have the interest just not the motivation, and right now all I have is faith, and I'm enjoying it.

I promised that I would write about my dreams that I've had recently, but I've forgotten about most of their contents so sadly no dream writings. All I'll say is that one was kind of space themed I think, and the other was Percy Jackson escaping a factory. Like usual dream stuff.

Although I would say my day has been good, I wouldn't say I feel good at the moment. My depression although getting better still makes my gut feel like I'm always doing something wrong, but even though I feel that now, I know today was a good day. I did a lot that I'm proud of, I went to the doctors, I gave my younger sibling my umbrella and jacket, ate pizza, organized the fuck out of my Tumblr (OCD is a bitch), and I showered.

It's going to be fine, it always is, and strangely I feel tomorrow will be a good day too. I hope yours is too.

[pansyslut]

insecurities

draco x reader

a/n: i’m aware i haven’t wrote in almost two weeks- oopsies. it’s not that i haven’t wrote anything it’s more that everything i write is just blah. i’m pretty sure this is blah as well. i’m tired and i feel bad for not putting anything out. there is a very good chance i will wake up in the morning and reread this with a clear head and realize how trash it is and take it down. enjoy it while you can :)

warnings: none really. very very little sexual talk but it’s really nothing.

summary: draco and y/n run into her ex. he lets her in on his insecurities. angst, fluff.

just like every other friday, you and draco had date night. it had become your weekly ritual. you would both dress up and go to your favorite restaurants.

this week you both chose something casual. deciding to go to some lowkey mexican restaurant and sit outside on the patio.

you hadn’t seen draco very much that week due to work. not only did it put a strain on your emotional relationship but your sexual relationship as well. because of your lack of time together, throughout the whole dinner he kept caressing your thigh making it extremely hard to concentrate on whatever he was talking about.

you both ate with lighthearted flirty banter all night. discussing dessert and weekend plans. it had eventually grown dark but the patio had fairy lights everywhere which draco had pointed out was cute which made you laugh.

“y/n”

you turn to see none other than your ex (if you could even call it that), cedric, standing over you.

you and cedric had fooled around for a couple months but you both knew it wasn’t anything else. as soon as you reconnected with draco you had sent him a simple text explaining it was over. he had text you a few times but you never gave him the satisfaction of replying.

he stars down at you giving a warm smile. “you haven’t replied to my texts.” he says, his eyes darting back and forth between you and draco.

you internally roll your eyes. of course i haven’t you idiot, why would i?

i mean don’t get me wrong the sex was good- the sex was really good. but it was simply that. sex. to keep one another preoccupied until the next situation presents itself. draco was different. he was more.

giving him a harsh smile back, “i’ve been busy.” you say shortly.

cedric nods and runs his fingers through his hair. he leans down and grabs your chin, “call me when you decide you’re not busy anymore. we both know you get bored.” he says in in your ear then softly pressing a kiss a little too close to your mouth.

he said it loud enough for draco to hear. turning back to him and seeing his face, he definitely heard. you turn back up to cedric to find him already walking away before he sending a wink in your direction.

facing draco, you see his stern unreadable expression. “dray?” you say softly. shaking his head as to brush you off and waving to the waited for the check.

he stars at the ground, refusing to make eye contact. deciding not to push it, you sit silently waiting to leave. finally getting up, you both walk to the car.

draco has always been physical. it was definitely his love language. merlin knew that he spoke through touch way better than words. he almost always had some way of touching you. holding your hand, pulling your waist, guiding you around.

instead, it was like he refused to even glance in your direction, refusing to touch you. he didn’t even open your car door like he always did. although it stung, you understood where he was coming from.

i should have pushed him off of me. i should have told draco about cedric before. i shouldn’t have even let him kiss me. this is my fault.

finally after the long silent car ride he pulls up to your house. usually, this is the part where he would follow you in and spend the night or at least have a glass of wine. instead, he left the engine on, staring ahead.

“are... are you not coming in?” you say eyeing him. he holds both of his hands on the wheel, gripping it tightly.

“give me a minute.”

nodding, you let yourself out the car and make your way to the door. kicking off your shoes carelessly and making your way to the couch, plopping down with a huff.

a few minutes later, you hear the door open. undoubtedly draco tightying up your shoes neatly, letting his ocd get the best of him.

paying little to no attention to him and barely acknowledging his presence, you feel him enter the living room and sitting down on the couch next to you where you now lay with your head smushed in the pillow.

knowing he needs time to cool down, you put on some stupid show to ease the tension. after two glasses of wine and an episode of some random show you grow more and more impatient.

turning over to lay on your back and facing him, he finally makes eye contact with you. “so...” you say trying to break the ice.

“so...” he rubs a hand over his face in frustration

“so what are you like pissed at me? or cedric? or what?” you say trying to understand.

huffing and letting the hand from his face fall, “i’m not pissed at you.” although that is reassuring, the weird emphasis is putting more on edge.

sitting up next to him, “so what then?”

he scrunches up his fists and pulls at his hair. “fuck, y/n i don’t know. i’ve never disliked diggory so much more than tonight.” he says admittingly.

nodding, “i know, i know. that was so fucking shit of him. i don’t even know- i guess... i guess he’ll be pissed or something? cuz i haven’t really replying to his texts or calls since we reconnected. i kind of just ghosted him i guess.”

hoping this would help ease his anger, you look up at him hopefully. “but this isn’t about him, right? this is about us, right?” you say practically begging looking up at him.

he meets your gaze and hears your pleading voice. his eyes soften, “yeah... yeah.”

not giving you very much to work with in turn making you frustrated, you get up and go up the stairs. you weren’t sure whether you wanted him to follow you or not. on one hand you knew that draco always helped sooth you and ease the anxious feeling in your stomach. but now, you weren’t so sure he would be much help.

but if he didn’t follow you, what did that mean? is he just giving up on you just like that? after almost a year spent together down the drain over some stupid fight that you weren’t even sure what was happening?

plopping on the far side on the bed, you grab his pillow and shove it in your face. letting silent tears fall, making yourself feel like a fool.

not once, have you cried over some boy. it wasn’t until draco came into your life that you even felt a strong enough emotional connection to even think about being upset over a boy and a silly argument.

you were never the dating type. you never had a boyfriend. it’s not that you couldn’t get one- merlin knew you could if you wanted, but you never had the desire. it wasn’t like you didn’t want to its just that you had never met someone that gave you that satisfaction.

laying there with your back turned, you hear draco enter the room. he sits on the corner of the bed with neither of you able to see the other.

sighing, “y/n? fuck, im sorry, baby. i didn’t mean to upset you.” he said. he rubbed your ankle caressing your smooth skin, just wanting your touch.

sniffling, you wipe the remaining tears off your face. there were still dried streams which he would undoubtedly be able to see when you turned around.

“it’s not your fault. i know- i know it’s not your fault. i’m not mad at you. i’m not mad that he kissed you.” he continues. obviously having a hard time explaining what he was feeling, he tugs on your ankle in a pleading way. you both knew he was lying. he knew you knew he was lying. he didn’t need to see your face in order to know that.

“okay... so it’s not only because he kissed you.” he says admittingly. “it’s what he said as well. when it’s going to be over. like this isn’t expected to last. like he and probably everyone else is just expecting you to get up and leave. hell- i’m expecting you to leave. i worry about that every day. i know it’s not your fault. it’s just that you’ve never been the relationship girl before. i don’t want you to feel pressured or- or suffocated by this.”

you finally understood where he was coming from. he didn’t open up a lot. but you understood completely.

getting up and sitting next to him you grab his hand. “you can’t blame me for not being in a relationship before. you can’t put that insecurity on me. i wasn’t in a relationship before because it didn’t feel right. it was never right. but this-��� you say tugging on his arm, “this feels right. you feel right.”

you move over and straddle his lap as he brings his hands to your hips pulling you even closer. “i know. you’re completely right. it’s not fair for you.” he grabs your neck and you feel the pad of his thumb smooth your cheek.

“i’ve never lied to you. i’m not going to start now. i want this.” you say grabbing his face, “i want this is bad.”

it felt natural when your lips came together, neither of you mentioning the saltiness from your previous tears. you were simply craving each other’s touch and needed one another. although it probably wouldn’t be the end of the conversation it was good for now. because right now all you needed was him and to be in his arms.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X14

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

So, if you read my review from the previous episode you know I turned out to be mostly wrong about this one. That being said, I really enjoyed the episode. I was never a ride or die japril shipper so I don't think this episode was as emotional for me as it was for other fans, but I enjoyed it. It was nice to see Jackson and April back on screen together! They always had great chemistry and I really enjoyed their scenes. And how cute was Harriet in this episode? She was SO adorable! I like that Jackson went to go visit his father to try and figure out what his Mom was talking about and I'm glad he got some closure there. That was nice to see. The scene where Robert tells Jackson why he left was super emotional and the acting was sublime!

I'm glad that Robert is giving lunches to people who need them in the community and is helping in his own way. It doesn't make up for what he did, but it's nice to know that he's making a go of the life he has with the diner and his coffee blend. It did bug me a bit that they played with time so much because it was difficult for me to figure out in the beginning what order the events went in which kind of took me out of the episode a little bit.

My biggest pet peeve with this episode was the whole thing with the meat slicer. Let me explain. It would have taken Robert a few minutes maximum to teach Jackson how to use it, but instead Jackson acts like the entitled pretty boy that he is and says he can operate it no problem. It's because of attitudes like this that people get hurt in workplace accidents because they assume that because it looks easy that it is. Anyone CAN operate a meat slicer, but you shouldn't without proper training.

Attitudes like that perpetuate the idea that people who work in hospitality, retail, construction, and other such fields are "simple" and that anyone can do it. It devalues the important work that so many people do, and it often results in untrained people getting hurt. So yeah as someone whose worked in both hospitality and retail and whose family works in construction I could have done without the harmful stereotype that we are all simpletons and Jackson's BS elitist attitude and him cutting himself on the meat slicer. Jackson's clearly never worked a day in his life outside of being a doctor and it shows.

I too was surprised when April agreed so suddenly to go with Jackson to Boston. I didn't think it was fair for her to agree without talking to Matthew first, but then she revealed that they split up. Going into this episode I really thought they were faking us out because April, a deeply religious woman, leaving her husband and step-daughter for Jackson didn't make any sense to me. But finding out that April and Matthew split up changes that. At first, I thought that would be impossible because getting a divorce in the early months of the pandemic was pretty difficult but the fact that they've separated but not officially divorced makes more sense.

Jackson says in the first half of the season that Matthew is spending more time with Harriet than he or April are because they've both been taking so many COVID shifts which at the time came across as them being a happy family. But taken in context with what April says in this episode it makes it sound like Matthew was spending time with Harriet because Jackson and April were working all the time and that put strain on their marriage. What Jackson is talking about would have happened in March or early April and this episode takes place sometime in June. Sadly, a lot of couples have split up during the pandemic in the way that April describes so while sad it was realistic.

While it would obviously be sad and confusing for the kids April makes it clear that Matthew and Ruby have the support of his sister and mother and her and Harriet have Jackson. I’m sad that April and Matthew’s relationship didn’t work out. I really liked them together. I do think it was nice though that they had Jackson ride off into the sunset with April and Harriet having left the door open for reconciliation the way they did with Arizona and Callie when Arizona moved to New York with Sofia.

Also let’s talk about the big elephant in the room. I get that this is Jackson's send off, but I still don't understand why Jackson couldn't run the Foundation from Seattle. That's what Catherine has been doing on and off for the last few years. Tom and Richard the previous and current Chief Medical Officers of the Catherine Fox Foundation are both based in Seattle. Why is moving to Boston necessary? It's their foundation can't they just move the Headquarters? Also were in a pandemic wouldn’t Jackson be working remotely anyway? Why do they have to move to Boston? What’s in Boston that they need so badly?

That being said, I'm glad that Jackson is getting a proper send off and will have time to say goodbye to everybody and have some heart to hearts and do it properly. We don't get that with every character. What in the heckity heck is Jo going to do next season? She doesn't have anyone to sleep with or date and she's leaving general surgery for OBGYN. That doesn't leave a whole lot of story for her. What is she going to do? Talk to Levi about his relationship problems and deliver babies? You could make a reoccurring character out of that sure but not a main character which is what Jo is currently billed as.

I'd like to see Jo adopt Luna and I think that could be really interesting so if they go that route, I could get on board but if not, I don't know what she's going to do. To be honest Jo isn't my favourite character, but I still feel bad for her. She has serious abandonment issues and every time she heals someone else leaves her! Jo's mother left her at a fire station as a baby. She wanted nothing to do with her as an adult. She did the work to get all whole and healed and was finally ready to have kids with Alex when finds out about the twins and leaves her for Izzie.

Jo does the work to get better and work on her issues and begins a friends with benefits relationship with Jackson only for him to disappear to the woods after Jo called him out on it at the beginning of their relationship and has now decided to move to Boston with April and Harriet to head up the Foundation. Girl can't win. Also does April know that Jackson has been sleeping with Jo? I mean she didn’t tell him that her and Matthew separated so I guess she can’t be too mad at him, but still. Awkward.

I think Jackson loves camping more than anyone else ever loves camping. His departure means he won't be attending Maggie's wedding. I have to admit I was looking forward to the awkwardness. I’m curious to see what Catherine is going to do now. Will she retire? Will she go back to being an attending surgeon full time? Does this mean they are going to have to find someone new to head up Plastics? Are they going to introduce a new character for Season 18?

I feel like finding a replacement for Jackson could go either way. Because I didn't think I would like Hayes when he took over Peds but now I love him and he's one of my favourite characters! I still miss Alex, but Hayes has been a great addition. I root for him and Meredith so hard and he was one of my favourite parts of Season 16.

Also, poor Bailey! This woman is just trying to keep the hospital afloat and she's losing surgeons and doctors left, right, and centre. Alex moved to Kansas. DeLuca died. Jackson is moving to Boston. Jo is switching specialties. Meredith's out with COVID! And let's not forget that Bailey lost her Mom to COVID not that long after she suffered a miscarriage after having a heart attack way too young and she deals with OCD which the pandemic is doing nothing to help! This poor woman!

Onto next week’s promo, I'm glad that they are doing a proper send off with Jackson. I'm also super excited that Meredith is up and talking and moving around! I've missed her! Although I am mad we have to wait another two weeks!!! I mean come on! We waited two whole months for the show to come back and then we waited for two weeks between episodes 13 and 14 and now we have to wait another two weeks for episode 15. Come on! Meredith and Hayes better rise as a couple when the show returns because if they don’t I will be so disappointed.

Until next time!

[ocheeva]

interview tag uwu

rules: answer the questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better!

tagged by @queensbrother even though it’s been A DECADE cass how can u possibly need to get to know me better ily

- nickname: no people just. use my name. except @mishikaiya sometimes. her latest for me is chickadee which is literally the cutest but will it ever be a thing outside the bird trio? doubtful.

- pronouns: she/her

- star sign: probably yeah

- height: 167 cm. i don’t do american numbers.

- time currently: 23:49

- when is your birthday: at some point during the year. this is hidden lore only my mum knows bc she was there (presumably)

- favorite bands/groups: see this is why i’m the worst at this kind of thing because there are always these questions and i. don’t do music. generally. like i have made spotify playlists and shit i just sit down to listen to music approximately three times a year so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- favorite solo artists: well...

- song stuck in your head: this is getting awkward

- last movie watched: wait hold on i need to cry for a second over cass’ last movie being fatal journey... god that fucked me up. nie brothers my beloved. anyway it was I Am Mother. it was okay.

- last show you binged: new girl for the third? fourth? time. i live alone and don’t really have conversations at my job so i keep sitcoms on in the background so i get to hear human voices! yes i’m very emotionally stable how did you know. last show i binged and actually paid attention to was word of honor.

- when you created your blog: this one? 2013. my first one was made in 2009

- last thing you googled: something about han dynasty art because fic research lmao  

- other blogs:  i only actively maintain @qinghe-s atm but i also have @masseffectcaps and a few other fandom sideblogs like @celestecraft which used to be hot shit on mineblr. others are only shared with people i love.

- why you chose your url: the first time i played the elder scrolls iv: oblivion i fell in love w ocheeva SO FAST and she’s still my favourite. i don’t have an argonian kink but if i did it would be because of her. she's sweet and caring AND she’s a skilled assassin?? get you a girl who can do both, damn

- do you get asks: no bc the messaging system exists. my fandom blogs get them on occasion although people favour the messaging system there too

- how many people are you following: 257

- how many followers do you have: like a thousand. my most popular blog has 10k which is insane quite frankly. 

- average hours of sleep: i legitimately do not have an average, it’s either like four or at least twelve

- lucky number: not... really. i like multiples of five bc i have ocd and other numbers are generally uncomfortable. i don’t mind seven fsr (but only as a singular digit. idk, my brain does Not make sense)

- instruments: i played the flute as a kid but i assure you i am the least musical person you’ve ever met

- what I’m currently wearing: black leggings, black top, black sweater. my socks are pink though! fashun

- dream job: i simply do not dream of labour. i enjoy teaching to an extent and working for bethesda would be sick i guess but

- dream trip: svalbard. i’ve wanted to visit china for years (i had a layover at a chinese airport when i went to visit cass in straya and part of me was like YES finally! but it was also miserable bc worst flight of my liiiiife god). legitimate actual dream trip though? a couple of weeks alone in venice. i’ve been once but it was a school trip when i studied architecture in high school (like you do in waldorf schools! pretentious as hell) so my classmates ruined the vibe. i snuck away a lot and made my teacher angry when no one knew where i was but it was worth it. i constantly think about going back and spending hours in the narrow alleys and beautiful churches and sitting outside palazzo ducale and being moved to literal tears over the architecture. ugh.

- favorite food: lamb steak w garlic cloves... also cheese. all the cheese. any kind of cheese.

- favorite song: i thought we went over this

- top three fictional universes you’d like to live in: okay first of all animal crossing OBVIOUSLY. gotta marry tom nook. second... god. star trek because while i will absolutely shit-talk starfleet any day of the week the star trek universe is superior to any other because it has JANEWAY. and also space. and alien ladies. but mainly janeway. i would put so much effort into joining starfleet and being good at my job so i could maybe serve on the same ship as her and make quiet heart eyes if we crossed each other in the corridors. EDIT: lol i got so wrapped up in star trek i forgot about a third huh! obviously i’d want to live in dream valley with the little ponies. the original ponies. i’d hang out with wind whistler and tell her i love her all the time, especially when she uses words the other ponies don’t understand. autistic queen, love of my life, etc. bonus fourth: mass effect. space. biotics! possibly a buff asari girlfriend... or the krogan romance bioware continues to deny me

TAGGING: jesus. okay you know what. i’m picking five people who show up in my notes fairly regularly because we should be friends. so: @filantestar @sidhe-solais @briars-glenn @sarahstreep7 @roddaprime ♡

[terulakimban]

Hi! So I saw your response on ask jumblr saying you were agnostic and everything and I found them super super interesting and was wondering if you could explain a bit more of how it’s been for you in a Jewish setting? Thank you 🌸💗🌸

Hi! So, for context, framework on what exactly I do believe (and what I don’t), because by some definitions, I’m an atheist, by others, I’m theistic, and as far as I’m concerned, I’m agnostic.  I believe that there are rules and patterns inherent to reality; that there is order even within chaos; that human ignorance of those rules and patterns does not change their existence. I believe that to attempt to discern these patterns is, for lack of a better word, holy, that learning more about what the universe is and has and does and what we can make it do is inherently an approach to the divine. I believe that there is beauty in the world and that that beauty is subjective. When I say the blessings for a rainbow or a thunderstorm or for seeing the ocean, I say them in awe of what an amazing world we live in; our world is such a vast and strange and unfathomable place and it is only a tiny speck of nothing in the infinity of the universe and that I am so lucky to live in a time where people are beginning to head towards taking a leap to the next speck of dust. I believe that precision of mathematical patterns is beautiful, even when I don’t know the math causing the pattern. I believe that the chaos where there is an apparent lack of a pattern is beautiful because it reminds us of how much we’ve learned and how there is infinitely more still to learn. I believe that there are universal -or near-universal truths -but I also believe that those truths are more along the lines of “2+2=4″ than “God, created, in the beginning...” I do not believe in a personified creator who caused all of that. I do not believe in the Torah as divinely written or as a literal verbatim truth. I don’t know if I believe the Torah was divinely inspired or not or even what such inspiration -or an absence of it- would necessarily entail. I don’t believe there is a one true way. I don’t believe that justice or goodness or fairness are concepts that exist outside of the minds capable of conceptualizing them, but I do believe that they are important concepts -as is the variation people will necessarily have when trying to articulate exactly what those concepts are to them. I don’t believe in any form of afterlife. I also don’t disbelieve in any form of afterlife. I have one finite existence in which to live; I will focus whatever time I have on the practical effects I can have on the world around me and infinity, be it reward or punishment or neutrality or nothing at all, can take care of itself; I’ll have infinity to be concerned -or not -with that.  In my experience, this isn’t particularly unusual in Jewish spaces. It does help that I have no issues addressing a communal conceptualization of what an infinite creator might entail, although admittedly, when praying communally, my approach tends to be either a focus on feeling what it is to be welcome and feel at home among people that has fuck-all to do with God in any way or along the lines of “start explaining unfairness and broken promises now”.  As for practice... my mother grew up on the liberal end of the Orthodox movement and I grew up on the conservative end of the Conservative movement. Dad grew up on the liberal end of the Conservative side, but that was a fairly recent shift in his family; his parents grew up in traditional homes and have a frame of reference for it. And when it comes to practice, I tend to feel most comfortable in something relatively familiar, although I tend to go for more traditional practice as an individual and more liberal practice in a community. I like studying Talmud and the Tosafot. There is something incredibly comforting about seeing a verse and saying “hey, what the fuck is up with that” and then seeing that my people -my family -have been arguing that exact same question for thousands of years. I like keeping kosher. I’ve got OCD, and it serves as a wonderful externalization of the kind of rules I otherwise make for myself -except these rules come with built-in endpoints so I can’t get stuck in painful loops and there are people outside my brain who understand them. I’m not shomer shabbat at this point in my life for a number of reasons mostly outside my control, but I would like to go back to having a day dedicated to rest and mindfulness and not laboring, although my ideal level of shabbat observance is decidedly not “officially shomer”. I like looking at my parents’ ketubah -at the contract they signed before witnesses of the obligations to one another that they were choosing to take on and the consequences if they didn’t -and dreaming about someday having my own; about someday loving someone enough and having someone who loves me enough to say “yes, these are our oaths”. I like that I can walk into any synagogue anywhere in the world and have family and community and a frame of reference for what’s going on. I like that I was raised in between communities in such a way that I know the rules and how to pick up on them for communities I don’t know. I like singing together with people and that sense of the past and present connecting when the words are ancient and the tune is not. I love learning to leyn and comparative linguistics and looking at the words. I love working with kids and being able to say “this is your heritage, these words belong to you, but it’s your choice what you do with them, my job is just to make sure you know what the words mean.” I love (pre-pandemic, of course) the way my parents’ synagogue does a communal meal every week at the close of Shabbat -and then does a communal Talmud study and commentary -and I love being encouraged to raise my voice and ask questions and make comments and offer ideas. I love Havadalah and Kabbalat Shabbat and how we mark holidays and transitions in fire and how we use fire and stone to memorialize our dead. I love being able to say “here is my tradition, can you show me yours” to friends who aren’t Jewish and sharing food and songs and opening our homes to one another And there’s stuff I don’t like. I don’t like the way liberal communities tend to treat traditional practice as the exclusive provenance of Orthodoxy. I don’t like when I’m not counted in a minyan. I don’t like being seated across a mechitzah. I don’t like the way that, for all our communities are family, there’s often an element of hostility towards the other denominations. I’m not a fan of taharat mishpacha in its entirety -or tzniut, for that matter. I don’t like Ashkenormativity and the way we’re mostly letting what’s left of our older community languages die in favor of Hebrew. I don’t like when people insist that Halacha is inherently divine -and I don’t like when people insist that it should all be discarded.  But all of that, all those things I dislike? None of those -or at least, none of the parts I specifically dislike about them -are, by my understanding, inherent to Judaism. Those are things inherent to people -and to communities. People like the dichotomy of “anyone more [thing] than me is a fanatic and anyone less [thing] than me doesn’t actually care about it”. Whenever there’s a community and an opportunity for some people to use it to reinforce a social dynamic that they see as favoring them, there will always be people who do so. There will always be people disagreeing on what they find empowering vs oppressive. There will always be a struggle between tradition for tradition’s sake and progress for progress’s sake.  I have clarified that I’m agnostic to my parents. Dad’s response was “yeah, I guess a lot of people in your generation don’t really need God, do you...” (tone was sincere and contemplative; he’s genuinely interested in the millennial zeitgeist, and it’s led to multiple conversations about generational theology). Mom’s response was “🤷‍♀️ That’s between you and God, now did you want a roast for shabbos or not because I need to take it out to defrost” (she is not particularly interested in discussions of theology or philosophy with me, but we do talk about practice a lot). 

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why was this january at least 3 months long

unequal affections, lara s. ormiston (audio) this is jane austen fanfiction about an alternate version of the story where lizzy does accept darcy’s first proposal - their ensuing engagement, which (because lizzy doesn’t go off about how she feels about darc in this one) is full of unspoken conflicts and tensions & hella awks. the initial premise needed some suspension of disbelief but once i got over that i found it super enjoyable, pretty believable in terms of character interactions and interiority (darcy is a dick), funny & sweet. i don’t think i will necessarily start getting into JAFF now (tho goodreads rly thinks i should), but this was just. nice. wholesome. also now i want to reread p&p..... 3/5

lincoln in the bardo, george saunders (uni) ya know what i really liked this. this is about abraham lincoln mourning his young son willie during the civil war, not exactly a topic i’m particularly (at all) interested in, but the execution is so cool - it’s told partly thru fragments from historical records, books, letters (both real and imagined) and partly thru the voices of the many ghosts stuck in a kind of limbo in the graveyard, who are trying to get willie to move on, while they themselves desperately try to stay in limbo, bitter about what went wrong in their lives and in denial about their state. & it’s done really well, the polyphony and contradiction of the historical record (one chapter has a bunch of quotes about how ugly lincoln was & then the last is like ‘idk i thought he was kinda handsome’), and the ghosts are so sad & bitter & desperate & hopeful. 4/5

the steppe & other stories, anton chekhov (tr. from russian) bunch of short stories from 1880-1890s russia. to be honest, i found most of them pretty boring, although ‘the duel’ is pretty good, an interesting look at how sticking too closely to your worldview/ideology/morality will probably either make you a useless disaster person or a eugenicist douchebag. some of the other stories were okay as well, but overall: 2/5, i’mma stick with his plays

perfectly preventable deaths, deirdre sullivan  teenage ocd witch book! this is a pretty good YA witchy horror book about twins who move into their new stepdad’s castle (yeah he has a castle) in a weird irish village where girls have been going missing for decades. creepy magical-ish things start happening (of course) & our narrator isn’t sure whether her sister’s new age-inappropriate boyfriend is just creepy, or creepy. i love the concept of ocd witchery & the atmosphere is really good as well, but the pacing is off, with slow build-up & a climax that happens way too quickly. also like can someone please say the word ocd it’s not gonna kill ya. 3/5

the priory of the orange tree, samantha shannon gonna be controversial here & say... yeah this should have been a duology. give the world some room to breathe, give the characters some room to breathe (give me another book w/ a cover this spectacular). anyway, this is a bigass book about eastern vs western dragon lore, a holy queendom (go sabran of inys!!), dragonriders, lesbian sword mages, how religion & historiography marginalises women, and magical trees. & like, okay, i wrote a lil thing right after finishing it about how i had some quibbles with it but enjoyed it overall but you know what? the more i think about it/let it sit the more complaints i have and the more annoyed/disappointed i get. 1) i liked all the characters fine, but none of them feel like they have any depth - i feel like i could sum all of the main characters up in like 3-4 words, and while i was rooting for ead/sabran, even this, the most central relationship of the book felt... surface-level. like, there were some big emotional moments but generally all i felt was like ‘good for her’ or ‘that sucks i guess’, 2) this world & its mythology is very much inspired by eastern vs western dragonlore so i understand the need to ground the fantasy world with real-world parallels but the extent to which some of the countries are literally just fantasy versions of real countries was... frustrating? irritating?? this is especially grating as, while inys is very clearly fantasy!britain, there is a lot of cool world-building (religion, aristocracy, history/myth) to make it more than that, while fantasy!japan and fantasy!china are literally just ... ‘what if japan but with dragons’. i did like fantasy!netherlands because at least you don’t see that a lot. 3) so much of the plot is just people travelling to different locations to get and transport different items but most of the travelling is cut short by some magical animal/being turning up and just transporting them in a cutscene.. 4) considering that this is all about dragonlore the dragons sure aren’t as important in the end as the three macguffins of power. 5) i loved so much about kalyba but not where it led, that said i want a kalyba-hawthorn-nurtha backstory.   okay that’s it for now but like. idk. this had a lot of potential but the execution was just severely flawed. 2/5 

trust exercise, susan choi this was super hyped, especially for a game-changing twist of some kind, but has a rather low rating on goodreads (3.18!) so y’all know i was intrigued. i’m not going to give away the twist because it is genuinely really cool if not really all that original, but this is a really clever & cool book about theatre kids, teenage dramatics, constructing your own narrative and what that excludes, elides, changes, and most of all consent & abuse (some very triggering depictions of sex/sexual abuse here). i really liked this, and am considering buying a copy so i can reread it. 4/5

soldiers of salamis, javier cercas (tr. from spanish by anne mclean) very meta novel about a writer called javier cercas writing a book (tentatively called soldiers of salamis) about a (real) falangist poet who escaped a mass execution & survived in the forest for a while with a group of republican deserters. ‘cercas’ researches, speculates, despairs, talks to roberto bolano (who compliments his previous books lol), and finally tracks down the man who he believes/imagines/hopes to be the soldier who let said fascist poet go, leading him to consider who really should be remembered & written about. made me think about that one poem about reading ezra pount that ends w/ a veteran saying ‘if i knew a fascist was a great poet, i’d shoot him anyway.’ interesting book altho i far prefer his book anatomy of a moment, one of the weirdest & most fascinating nonfic books i’ve read. 3/5

the stopping places, damian le bas (audio) damian le bas comes from a settled british romani family and, feeling somewhat unsure about his place in & connection to the community, he decided to go on a roadtrip through britain (+france) in a van to seek out the atchin tans or stopping places, starting with the ones his great-grandmother remembers from her childhood before the family became settled. he combines the travelogue with insights into romani culture(s) (mainly british) and history, as well as his own family history. it’s really interesting & engaging (the history&culture more so than the travelogue) and le bas narrates the audiobook himself & sounds like a cool dude. 3.5/5

confessions of a bookseller, shaun bythell  bythell records a year of working as a second-hand bookseller, with an entry for every day. he talks about the impact of amazon, rude & weird customers (but also nice customers), his weird staff, and some of the books he’s reading. the look into bookselling in the age of amazon is pretty interesting but much of this is banal & repetitive, & if it wasn’t the perfect thing to read in little bits while at work i probably would have dnf’d it. 2/5

giacomo joyce, james..... joyce  super short story by my man jamesy joyce that never made it out of manuscript (literal). not much to say about this - it’s interesting to see jj play around with themes while still working on portrait & thinking bout ulysses & the prose is nice, but the whole english tutor feels attracted to his student is a bit... eh. 3/5

[keytextsfromkh]

Dream Drop Distance: Traverse Town

- I like how at this point, they're not even trying to pretend to be a fun and happy game. This is third act-Disney movie shit and two people are already dead.

- ...My name is...Bongo.

- No, I prefer Bongo. Sounds more fun and fancy free.

- And that's when you realized that everything up to this point was nothing more than a simulation on the "What if?" Machine. A man can dream...a man can dream.

- Yeah, when we're out in the middle of the ocean, we'll just call Aquaman and he'll save us...he's owned by Disney right?

- (Ursula’s Arrival) Sora, it has begun...it cannot be stopped.

- Wow, Riku's kind of a weakling, when /Sora's/ able to keep his footing and you're tossed overboard, that's pretty bad.

- It's ok Riku, that's just Hades releasing the Titans from...well, Hades. (Where were the Titans held prisoner in the movie?)

- That's got to be a low point in Ursula's career, when she's nothing more than a tutorial boss and doesn't really have story relavance.

- Now /this/ is the time when you should be asking if any of this is for real or not.

- And that question is: How do they get the little m's on the m&m's.

- I suppose that's an interesting question too...show off.

- If that were the case then the challenges of my past have just gave my darkness a huge advantage in /that/ battle.

- (Regarding Xehanort) He's basically Ganon, he'll always come back to fuck us over even if the plot doesn't call for it.

- Well I'm here to tell you that you're not to be cocky little shits and you'll be considered Keyblade Masters when /I/ tell you, you got that you little whippersnappers? God, I'm tired, Mickey, get my walking stick and Donald, get the liniment oil, you're going to be rubbing it into my creases all night.

- Well it is a mix between Disney and Final Fantasy, I'm sure flying colours won't be the strangest thing to appear.

- So Sora opens a keyhole and now he's what, flying through the subspace highway?

- I've had my clothes changed once before and yet I'm still freaked out that it's happened again.

- (Neku’s Arrival) Oh thank god, some much required emo cynicism.

- Maybe it's under his glove, have you thought of that.

- I'm so toally a player, I've been with all the bitches and I can do like 5 Fortnite dances flawlessly.

- This must be Neku's own personal hell, although considering his partner is (probably) Shiki, this is like double hell.

- I'm loving the music although I'm hating the controls, why isn't X jump, it seems kind of backwards.

- Wow, someone with an actual last name, you really aren't from this world are you?

- I mean if I can handle Pokemon, I think I can handle their Disney counterparts.

- And there's my dirty mind at work again. You're telling me that I have to "unlock" seven sleeping holes to gain a great power. It's a good thing I'm not easily offended/paranoid or I'd think that this game was secretly promoting date rape.

- A great wall keeping all the worlds seperate? Again, it's probably a good thing this game originally came out in 2012 or it would be quite suspect.

- (Young Xehanort pulls some sick parkour moves) You said specifically, no over the top acrobatics to prove how cool you are.

- Obstacles: Breakable except when they're not.

- Joshua: King of innuendos.

- Oh god, Joshua's about to spend an hour talking about the multiple worlds theory.

- He wants to find Rhyme but Riku wants to hear reason.

- (What Joshua spends his time dreaming of) And they all centre around one adorable little crankypants

- If Riku is a dreamer, would that make Joshua a dreamweaver and can he get Riku through the night, maybe even reach the morning light?

- At least they don't give you another tutorial.

- Who knew Beat required a self-esteem team and who knew they would be so cute and colourful.

- Ok, I'm calling it now, the Sleeping Worlds don't have oxygen, they have a constant atmosphere of xanax.

- In hindsight, considering the powers of the X-Blade and the requirements of it's construction, this could be seen as a very bad idea and those who came up with it should have been fired.

- So the moral of the story is: Piracy causes giant universe-shattering wars.

- So Riku was just using the keyblade for it's intended purpose, he really wasn't a villain, he was just doing what felt natural.

- Wait, so the letterbox is alive? What other things in this place are alive?

- So, this is the mail room from Monster's Inc.?

- Anyone else think "Ice Dream cone" sounds like an edible? Like it's laced with LSD?

- So it looks like we've entered the residential district of Traverse Town and considering the graffiti, the fact that part of it is obviously based on The World Ends With You and the idea of how Sleeping Worlds operate, I think this is a part of Disney that they want to ignore, it's a part of them that fell into Darkness and they want it to linger there, it's early 90s Disney. In this twisted town, we won't meet Goofy, we'll meet Max from Goof Troop, we won't see Huey,Dewey and Louie from DuckTales, it'll be their iterations from Quack Pack and I think I know who the final boss of this world will be. Someone who represents the 90s and all things EXTREME! Someone who's connected to Disney but is nothing more than a twisted, vulgar imiation of the real form. This final boss will be Dippy Fresh.

- I will say the new parts of Traverse Town look amazing, it's like they really get that mix of SE's anime stylings and Disney's wonder and magic.

- Again, as I've said before, Sora's just one huge OCD bubble.

- Where the fuck was Rhyme during Chain of Memories, she loses her memories and acts like it's no big deal and then starts talking in fortune cookie sayings.

- So Sora has teleporting powers now? Is that another little extra when in the sleeping worlds?

- Seriously, the music is really damn good in this, the boss music may be a lot more upbeat than in previous games but it has this carnival-like heroic vibe going for it.

- Well it still is Disney so I guess "friend" is the best we can do for now.

- We're pulling an Inception here Sora, please try to keep up.

- (Joshua’s a very humble person) I'm God, it's no biggie really.

- It's Xehanort: The Wonder Years

- (Regarding Shiki being saved by Riku) You could at least let me give you a blowjob as payment.

- I guess after Selphie pulled a #metoo on Tidus, Riku isn't taking any chances.

- Unless this is a Proud Mode thing, one major issue I'm already having with this game is that there are too many enemies. Like I know you can run into a pack of monsters every 5 steps but this is overdoing it just a tad. It doesn't help that we're already fighting some of the heavy hitters in the first world rather than waiting a world or two before bringing in the fat fuckers.

- Oh fuck, he turned her into a cat doll.

- (Beat knows when things are half-baked) If anyone would know anything about being baked, it's you.

- Speaking of which, where are the reapers? They could bring some much needed fun right about now.

- Now that's a smart idea, let's take a huge boss with huge arms and put the fight in a small room where it can grab shit and whack you with them.

- Now there's a missed opportunity, why do Sora and Riku get the same Keyblades, it would have been interesting if each one got their own unique keyblade based on how their story in that world plays out.

- So Joshua is Sin from Final Fantasy X?

- Ok, that spinning thing is kind of distracting and kind of dumb

- Joshua died on his way to his home planet.

- (Yen Sid can be really dick-ish sometimes) I'm kind of a dick that way.  

[bathalyon]

Super Junior as High School Students!

Leeteuk:

- The Best Class’s President of the year - aaaand nobody listen to him - loves to have a chat with the teachers, an attention-seeker - When the teacher is absent, he’s the one who would know it first, and ask for replacement task so everyone knows he’s in charge. - he sits on first row, beside Kibum and in front of Heechul  - LT: “Guys, Kim Seongsaenim can’t teach us today, I think he’s fall from the cliff or something, but I asked for assignment, YEAH!!” The others: “...” HC: “Let’s kill him.” - He has this one nerdy girl who always been crushing on him. He knows that but pretends to be clueless so he doesn’t have to break her heart. - Is on Charity club and Student Communication Center Club. - Wears white everyday. One time he wears all white from top to toe, and the school janitor thought he’s spirit of clean-ness - always bring wet tissue/? and handkerchief in his bag just to wipes something dirty (OCD alert)

Heechul:

- The Narcissistic Flower-Boy but has a LOT of fans - Supposed to be second-in-command but he can’t even lead himself - Trust me his personality it’s getting better every year, now people can look at him in the eye - rumored to be gay because... JUST LOOK AT THOSE FACE!1!1!1 - (un)usual things on his bag: comb, small mirror, asuka’s miniature, and marker for signing on his fans stuff - HC: *is doing something nice* HG: “What are you doing?” HC: “Uhhh, doing charity?” HG: “BUT YOU’RE SATAN!” - Sits behind Leeteuk so he can wake him up if he’s asleep in the middle of class, and beside Hangeng just because he needs translator. - Jealous of Eunhyuk since he’s the Vice-Class president. - is on Anime club and Drama-Improv Club - make a bet about whose the real gay in class, because he’s SURE he is not the only one....

Hangeng:

- The Exchange Student form China who happens to be stuck with other 14 idiots. - Lives in Students Dormitory with Zhoumi and Henry - is on Martial Arts club and Korean Language Club - Sits on Second row beside Heechul and Henry, Behind Kibum and In front of Zhoumi (Ha... good luck for imagining that...) - Teacher: *explains something* HG: “Henry, can you explain that again to me?” HR: “Idk hyung, I’m not Korean” HG: “Zhoumi, Can you..” ZM: “I’m not Korean either hyung...” HG: “Kibum, do you understand--” HC: “FOR GOD SAKE HANGENG YOU HAVE ME!” - the victim of language and culture barrier. One time Kangin was asked him what he has for a pet, instead of answered, “dog” he said, “crab” - still bring chinese lunch although it’s his third year on Korea - has the most blank faces in every classes. - his parents are rich because they are one of successor from China, but he prefer to be quiet about it than taking a risk to be robbed by his shameless friends (as in 13 of them, except Siwon)

  Yesung:

- The weird guy who makes you question things - his fashion style kinda emo but rebel/? - sits on fourth row, beside Shindong and behind Eunhyuk, all he do is sleep in class - is joining the school band as vocalist. Guess what their genre is... yup, EMO. - when he’s bored he goes to people on the second row to touch their philtrum. But he ends up getting slapped by Heechul. - Cass: *in chaos* YS: *humming in song* “Is there anything I could help?” KB: “Yes hyung, we need you to shut up!” - bad at math but good at art - is on School band and Musical-Drama club - has crush on his keyboardist but it goes away when he knows she doesn’t like turtles - client of detention because sleeping in classes - annoyed by Eunhyuk all the time because there is this ‘rivalry’ thing between dance club and musical club, but when it comes to class he just annoyed because Eunhyuk like to tease him about his voice - the others make him promise to not wondering around when there is school trip, because if we lose him, the world is the one in danger, not him

  Kangin:

- The one of those Unpopular High-School Jock - always wear his baseball uniform although there were no training that day - sat on the fourth row, beside Shindong and behind Sungmin - best-friends with Leeteuk since he has to persuade him to not tell teacher if he did something wrong - was a school bullyer since he has big figure, but rn he’s just lazy - mistaking Heechul as a girl ONCE, and he regret having a crush on him in the past - KI: “Hey Wookie, Can I copy your homework?” RW: “I don’t think all the answers of my homework are correct” KI: “Well, Is that what I’m asking for?” - client of detention because sleeping in classes.2 - is on Basketball Team and Video Games Club - He was bullying Sungmin in their first grade but now they end up in same class make him more sorry towards him - Don’t worry, Sungmin forgive him although he still can’t be 3 meters around Kangin, face to face. - He always treat the guys especially eunhae since both of them look pitiful

Shindong:

- The Class’s snack storage and Division of Documentation - He prefer to sat in last row, in between Kangin and Yesung, also behind Zhoumi - He’s a Mama boy, so if you wonder where all the foods he has came from, yep it’s his mother - this guy hates pizza and noodles and it makes all the guys love him even more - SD: *leaves the class with full box of pizza* HC: “Yah yah yah, fatso! Where are you going?” SD: “uh.. throwing these? wae hyung? wanna some? I don’t eat pizza” HC: “huh, I guess world is indeed fair” - he doesn’t like to take photograph, so he’s the one who works behind camera instead - is on Screen-writing Club and Food Club - people always treat him like a kid, HE IS KIYOWO THO - This boy doesn’t care basically love ‘jaeyuk’ more than girls - if the class is more crowded than the usually, there must be a ‘wrestling competition’ between him and Kangin - He has been the winner of that competition for 5 consecutive weeks

Sungmin:

- The All-Time High School Sweethearts - He always be that guy who stare at the window in classes, with earphone on both ears and calm looks on his face - speaking of window, he sit on third row beside the window, behind Heechul and in front of Kangin, Zhoumi in his other side. - Sorry girls, he has girlfriend on math class - He used to be nerdy with those big specs but puberty hit him hard - He became popular since his girlfriend is Vice-President of student organization - Heechul always think that he’s the true gay in class, but when he knows Sungmin got a girlfriend, damn tears. - is a genius on learning new language. He listen to Hangeng-Henry-Zhoumi convo and discover how to speak Mandarin immediately, also he watch anime hentai from Eunhyuk’s pc and know he knows how to speak Japanese - KH: “Hyung stop doing that...” SM: “Huh? Stop doing what?” KH: “Smiling, the fangirls outside are having trouble breathing...” - is on Psychological Club and Foreign Movie Club - He made out with Kangin on Group therapy themed “Jocks need Nerds, but Nerds can murder Jocks without leaving a trace”

Eunhyuk:

-The hyperactive Class Clown and Leeteuk’s right-hand - has been friends with Donghae since they were on Kindergarten - he sits beside him and Zhoumi, in front of Yesung and behind Henry. third row - is on Food Club too because he eats a lot, ppl always say that Shindong is the one who has large stomach, they are wrong - also in Dancing club, the foods he eat are burned there - SW: “I think Eunhyuk is handsome...” EH: “HAH! DO YOU HEAR HIM GUYS? HE SAID I’M HANDSOME! SIWON-AH SAID THAT AGAIN!” SW: “I think I have talent on lying, hehe” - he call himself ‘Jewel-boy’ but the boys call him ‘Sun Go Kong’ - spends his time too much with Donghae, he become the 2nd Pabo in class - that one guy who gives teacher random questions and random answers - is happy when everyone cracks up because of his jokes - is the real angel here, PROTECT HIM - although he’s kinda silly but everyone never doubt his leadership, even Heechul is afraid of angry Eunhyuk

Zhoumi:

- The Not-So-Chinese-Playboy - He’s Siwon’s cousin, no wonder they kinda look alike- he sit on third row, between Eunhyuk and Sungmin, behind Hangeng and In front of Shindong. - he knows he born with ‘handsome genes’ that’s why he’s known as the class’s player - at every lunchtime he would come to cafeteria to pick up girls - his success rate is 4/10, depends on how dumb the girls are - is on basketball team since he wants to see the cheerleaders, and on School Magazine club - KI: “Yeah, talk to you later nunna” *hang up the phone call* ZM: “Is that your sister?” KI: “Yep” ZM: “Is she pretty?” KI: “Do you wanna see her from hospital or graveyard?” - he’s the most ‘up to date’ person on class. His gadgets are in diverse. One time Eunhyuk was in shookt when he knows that Zhoumi’s toilet could lift the lid by itself - knowing a lot of people at school, kinda popular. And the boys make him gossip scouts and news notifier

Donghae:

- Class’s Crybaby and Beauty-Pabo - people said he’s handsome but he doesn’t believe it til now - he’s not stupid on common knowledge, he’s just stupid at doing his life - he sits beside Eunhyuk and behind Siwon - he loves poetry and photography, makes him joined Writing Club and Photography Club - because he friends with Eunhyuk, he also takes Dance Club. He kinda follow Hyuk everywhere.... - he’s spoiled by Heechul because he looks like lil puppy who needs its mama (or tamagochi) - Teacher: “How many world war has happen up until today?” DH: “ME! 6 WORLD WAR” EH: “Yah, not that many!” DH: “Jinjja? Is it 5 and a half?” - The others never let Siwon, Donghae, and Heechul walk together, the hallway would riven - he cried watching Bambi and Documentary of Crocodile’s Evolution - he has a lot of secret admirer, not fans tho, just the one who cannot talk to him because of his 14 overprotective brothers

Siwon: - The Real High School Prince and Church Oppa - His parents are on of biggest donors for school - Everyone who knows this immediately treat him like prince, (everyone knows tho...) - despite his handsome appearance, the boys always mock him because he looks older than he suppose to - always go to Church to pray or just refill his holy water for purifying Heechul - he sits on second row, beside Henry, Behind Ryeowook, and in front of Donghae. - From the first day of school, he always wants to be friends with Ryeowook, but Wookie can’t stand Siwon’s greasiness - KB: “Why are you so rich and Zhoumi looks like he always got nothing to eat?” SW: “Because I always thankful for what God’s ha given to me...” KH: "HEECHUL HYUNG! SIWON HYUNG IS GIVING HIS TRIAL TO KIBUM” HC: *slams table* “NOBODY PERSUADE MY BABY!” - He’s on Christian Club and Charity Club, holy shisus... - the boys crowned him as “the one who likely to become a president” and “the one who likely to become a sugar daddy if Heechul ask him to”

Kibum:

- The most normal among the freak - actually he’s not normal, he’s too quiet - despite the silent he does, he always get 1st rank at school. No, not class, at SCHOOL. - sometimes he would play with the other boys, ot be the one who split the fight with his intelligence - he sits in first row between Leeteuk and Kyuhyun. In front of Hangeng - tbh, his favorite hyung is probably Sungmin because he’s the next normal one - YS: “Kibum-ah, you’re too smart for this class, why are you in this class?” KB: “Hyung, If you want to look smarter you need to hang out with dumb people” - is on Science Club and Math Club - loves astronomy because he wants to go to somewhere more quite than this class - the only person who would fight him is Kyuhyun, but both of them are lousy so they just ends up crying and made up - Siwon’s companion going to church

Ryeowook:

- The Music Box and Class’s Chef - he sits on first row, beside Kyuhyun and in front of Siwon - he choose a song that suits situation of the class everyday - SD: *is eating* RW: *plays SJ - Cooking? Cooking!* DH: *is crying* RW: *plays Seventeen - Don’t wanna cry* HC: *is doing anything* RW: *plays Sunmi - Gashina* HC: *death glare* “really Ryeowook, really?” - he also the one who does commentary when somebody doing something, the most absurd thing he does is commenting on Yesung who just chewing gum - is on Radio Club and Cooking club - He won from category of “the one you wants to get stuck in deserted island with” and the reason is just because he can cook - admits that he has girlfriend, but nobody believe that. everyone wonder what kind of girlfriend who wants parrot as her boyfriend - once ask Siwon to buy him a GIRAFFE as his birthday gift

Kyuhyun:

- The Gamer with Mouth full-of Sarcasm - that one guy who never pay attention on class but always get the 2nd rank - Leeteuk would always be the one who snatch his phone or game out of his hand so he would interact with others - he sits in first row between Kibum and Ryeowook, also in front of Henry - there is one time when Kyuhyun made Donghae cry because he said Donghae is useless - HG: “I can’t believe you said that, I’m mad at you!” KH: “Hi Mad At You, I’m Kyuhyun! Nice to meet you” - is on Algebra club and starcraft club - the boys never let him goes into argument with Heechul, there would be no end - but sometimes Heechul is his companion on playing starcraft and mock the others in sarcasm - everyone call him “Evil Junior” - He almost killed Yesung’s turtle by giving it a camphor - Siwon’s second target of purifying soul

Henry:

- The one little bastard - he came from Canada but his soul is Germany - likes to hide porn inside Eunhyuk’s table, so he’s the one who get blamed - sits in seond row, between Hangeng and Siwon, Behind Kyuhyun and In front of Eunhyuk. - since his cheeks are chubby, the hyungs often pinch it so it gets red - SD: “I get nervous when you get silent in the corner of the room” HR: “Waeyo hyung?” SD: “Molla...” *look at Henry’s magazine* - is on Violin Club and DJ Club - his parents is Korean, but they lived in Canada for 7 years and now forget how to talk in hangul/? - his favorite hyung is Heechul since he’s always on his side whenever porn is involved - HC: “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT MY BABY WATCH PORN, HE’S INNOCENCE!” LT: “HE FREAKKING NAMED THE FILE “TISSUE NEEDED”, HOW COME I’M NOT SUSPICIOUS!” - he sleeps on the same bed as Hangeng because he’s skinnier than Zhoumi

[lalka-laski]

Can you recommend any Neil Gaiman to me, aside from Stardust or Good Omens? The only book I’ve read of his was “The Ocean at the End of the Lane.” It was good, just not really my scene. 

What’s the best concert you’ve been to, if you’ve been? The Killers, hands down. 

Is there an animal you like that most people don’t? I kinda like spiders and most people are terrified of them. Which makes me the designated spider-catcher whenever one’s nearby. (I never kill them. Just relocate them!)

Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it’s liked? Dogs 

Do you find yourself listening to music that’s a bit more esoteric? I guess sometimes. But a great deal of what I listen to could be considered “mainstream.” 

What are your three favorite books and why? This is an impossible question! So I’ll respond with the 3 best books I’ve read *lately* Water for Elephants, This Close to Okay, What Comes After (I’m still in the middle of it but I sense it’ll become a fave!) 

What about authors? Anita Shreve, Taylor Jenkins Reid, Patti Callahan Henry Do you have any likes you wouldn’t tell someone until you got to know them? I have some ~guilty pleasures~ but I’m not so ashamed of them that I’d keep them secret. 

Do you have a favorite language? Polish

What about a place you’ve always wanted to visit? Poland, Northern Ireland, Iceland

Do goldfish crackers ever make you sick, or is that just me? Nah I enjoy them.

Do you have a favorite art style? I’m not familiar enough with art technique/history. 

Do you have a favorite myth/fairy-tale? Sleeping Beauty, of course! 

Who is your favorite person aside from family? Glenn 

Do any of your pets (if you have them) have weird quirks? I don’t have pets. And probably won’t ever. 

Do you listen to music from anywhere besides America? How boring would my life be if I limited myself to only music from America (or any single country for that matter). 

Have you ever “quit” a site and came back to it more than once? Facebook a couple times

Do you have an “odd” fascination with anything?  I’m sure there are several things but of course I can’t think of any at the moment What is the thing you want most at this moment? I guess I’d prefer not to be at work but it’s really not so bad. 

What was the last book you read and what was it about? I’m currently reading What Comes After about the aftermath of the deaths of two teenage boys 

What was the worst book you’ve ever read & why? There have been several I’ve started and couldn’t bear to finish. 

Do you have a favorite breed of dog or cat? Which? Nah I’m not much of a dog OR cat person. 

If you like any anime/manga, what are some titles you recommend? I don’t watch it but Glenn’s a huge fan and could rattle of a looooong list if you were interested

What’s the hardest thing you’ve been through, & what did you learn from it? I think it’s kinda of weird to rank my painful experiences like that. I’ve felt pain in different ways at different points of my life. 

What are three “unrealistic” things you want most? My dream body, my dream house, my dream career

What are some of your favorite foods? Pizza, falafel, popcorn, chips & dips (I’m a snacker for sure) 

Where do you like to buy your clothes? Lately I’ve just been buying bullshit on Amazon (and then getting disappointed when the quality & fit are terrible). But my favorite stores are Windsor & Express. 

Do you take any daily vitamins? Magnesium & B12

Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? Elle Woods, Lizzie McGuire, Mr. Gellar from Friends 

If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Mermaids. Just because they’d be cool as hell. 

When buying Slurpees, if you do, do you get only one flavor or mix them? I haven’t had a slurpee since I was a kid, but IIRC I liked Blue Raspberry. 

Do you have a favorite 7Eleven food? We don’t have many 7Elevens around me but I will admit I love me some gas station/convenience store food.

Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? Polish, because I want to speak the language of my ancestors. And because I just think it’s beautiful.

If you could have any career, “realistic”-ness aside, what would it be? Published author or maybe a content creator for a lifestyle blog/magazine. 

What are three memorable movies from your childhood? Sleeping Beauty, of course. Toy Story, Monster’s Inc 

Do you, personally, put a space after ellipses, or not? Nope

Micky D’s sweet tea, y/n/other? Not a fan of sweet tea, period. 

What are three of your best (non-physical) qualities? Friendliness, empathy, creativity. 

What are three of your worst (again; non-physical) qualities? Anxiousness, hyper-sensitivity, impulsiveness 

What is one of your firmest beliefs? Moe’s is FAR superior to Chipotle in every conceivable way. 

Do you ever question things until you’re unsure of even the silliest thing? Yeah, overthinking is my superpower. 

Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you’d truly enjoy? ~ANXIETY~ What are your three biggest pet peeves (personality-wise) in others? Arrogance, close-mindedness are the top of my list. I also can’t STAND conversation hogging. 

Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I could work on them MORE... but yes I always own up to them. 

What are three of your best physical qualities? (NOT EYES!) Collarbones, nose, the shape of my lips 

What are some of your greatest aspirations? Write a book, have a family 

How do you hope the world will change, if at all? That’s just too heavy of a question. I’m just here to chill! 

What are three things that make you the happiest? My loved ones, my babies, good food! 

What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? I don’t subscribe to any fixed set of beliefs but I could be considered spiritual. 

Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? No, I actually think they’re kinda cool. 

Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Nope.

What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I’m at work and currently on a Dell. At home I have a Chromebook. 

What are you good at? Writing, worrying... 

What career do you hope to have? Writer

Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I’m done with school (for now)

If you don’t attend, are you taking any “lessons” for anything No, although there have been several creative writing courses and workshops I’ve had my eye on. I really should register for one.  A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? For Women who are Difficult to Love by Warsan Shire

If you know of pandora.com, what is your favorite station? I only listen to Pandora at work and the office usually has “Brunch Cafe Radio” on which plays a lot of coffehouse style singer/songwriters. I dig it! Have you ever “lost” a friend in any way? How did you deal? Of course I have. Friend “breakups” can be just as painful and life-altering as romantic ones and I wish that was discussed more.

Any music recommendations? I’m actually on the hunt for some new music so if anyone has reccs for ME... that’d be cool.

What are at least three of your biggest fears? Losing my loved ones, death, birds (:

Most recently read book that you liked? The last book I read in full was Jessica Simpson’s memoir Open Book. And it was surprisingly delightful & touching. 

Do you have a piece of jewelry you don’t like to take off? My claddagh ring & of course, my engagement ring.

Do you have a favorite quote? Why is it your favorite? Too many to list Any odd pastimes you have? I like reading the inmate profiles on Writeaprisoner.com, then googling the inmate’s names to find out what crime(s) they committed. 

Are you quirky in any way? (Name them please). I have some OCD tendencies that could be considered peculiar. Oh, I also hate wearing shoes or socks & prefer to be barefoot whenever possible. 

Political standing? Filthy liberal 

Do you have any piercings/what do you think about piercings? I have none as I just don’t think they suit me. But they look great on other people. 

Do you have a favorite material? Not really? 

What are three names you’d name a pet if you HAD to get a pet right now? Brixton, named for David Bowie’s hometown. 

Do you like to listen to dorky/amusing music? What’s considered dorky and/or amusing? 

Coffee vs. Tea vs. Energy Drinks: Order from favorite to least favorite. Coffee & tea are probably tied. And energy drinks are dead last. I avoid them. 

Do you like more “fruity” sweets or “savory” sweets? What the fuck is a savory sweet?

What do you hate the most? My anxiety 

What genres of music are your favorite? Most of my faves could be classified as alternative/soft-rock 

Do you believe in true love? Absolutely 

What are some of your favorite clothing accessories? I’m not big on accessories. I love sunglasses, though. 

If reincarnation exists, what sort of person would you want to be next? Someone born into wealth  What are some things you believe strongly in? Love, forgiveness, second chances 

Where’s your favorite place you’ve been? My family’s cottage in Canada 

What sort of books and movies do you like? Book-wise I love a good family drama or tragedy. And the occasional cutesy love story. As for movies, I want all rom-coms all day.

What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy Saturday? Read, write, maybe marathon a show, cook something yummy in the crockpot...

Is there a book you’ve read that really touched you? Have you MET me?

PC or MAC? PC 

What do you love doing? Reading, writing, spending time with loved ones, crafting, cooking, going out to eat, watching live music

If you could create the perfect world for yourself, what would it be? All my loved ones would be present, we’d have NO financial burdens, good health, plenty of free time to devote to our hobbies & passions

Do you think that fate plays a part in people’s lives? Somewhat, yeah. But action > everything.

Are you religious, spiritual, atheist…? Spiritual

Do you think that people throw the words “love” and “hate” around too much? Eh, maybe. But I’m a deeply emotional person so although I may say I love and hate things frequently, I mean it sincerely every time.

What is your favorite piece of technology that you own? My phone, no doubt. It’s glued to my hand. 

What’s a piece of technology you’d like to own? I’m not a real techhy person so I don’t need much besides what I already have. 

Are you afraid of technology developing to where we’re too reliant on it? We’re past that point my dude. 

Does it bother you when people do things to fit in with a certain crowd? Yeah, but I can’t say I don’t do the same

Hot or cold? I’d much rather be cold. I am MISERABLE when hot & sweaty.  Do you think that Bzoink should extent the character amount for questions? What the hell is Bzoink

Do you have a favorite combination of complimentary colors? Pastel pink & pastel, dusty blue. (These are my dream wedding colors) 

What’s your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I love any kind of oatmeal/oat filled ice cream & people seem to find that weird?

Where do you like to get your ice cream? Moonlight Creamery holds a special place in my heart because that’s where I got engaged! And besides that, they really do have some of the best tasting ice cream I’ve ever had. 

What’s your opinion on stereotypes/labels? As humans it’s natural for us to categorized people based on past experiences. Is it always accurate? Of course not. But we all do it.

Do you believe that history repeats itself? Mhmmmmm 

Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Wouldn’t it be nice to just undo them? And since I’m not great at learning from mine... 

What was the most interesting class you had in school? Any creative writing class, of course. Also my Kenyan Literature class was FASCINATING.  Do you write? If so, what? Yes. Mostly personal essays, some poetry & short stories

Do you have a favorite website? Facebook & Twitter are my go-tos. And Reddit when I can’t sleep.

Do you think that the quality of TV shows is going down? I’m not much of a TV watcher so I can’t comment. 

Do you have a favorite culture? Thar’s a borderline creepy question....  What was a story you heard as a child that really affected you? Any kind of ghost story or vaguely paranormal story fucked me up BAD

Who was your favorite grade-school teacher and why? My 5th grade teacher was a doll, so perhaps her. 

Do you think that the world will end? How? Can we NOT

Do you believe in Global Warming? Have you researched it? It’s not up for debate 

Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? I have one tattoo and zero piercings so I guess I’m on team tattoo 

Do you remember your dreams? Almost always 

[missrosienorris]

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

[dovechim]

it’s okay, that’s love 02

➾ water polo player!jimin x psychiatrist!reader ft ot7 ➾ warnings: mentions of blood, mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd, split personality disorder etc), self harm, angst, fluff, smut ➾ word count: 9.5k ➾ please read part one first if you haven’t!

01 | 02

➾ disclaimer: this is purely a work of fiction and i do not claim to be a qualified mental health professional. this work is not intended to provide any medical advice of any sort, please consult a licensed physician instead.

➾ summary: you’ve always managed to keep your work and personal life strictly separated, but new housemates means that boundaries are crossed, defences are raised and feelings are hurt. maybe kim taehyung is right after all- but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever admit it. 

“I just don’t get it,” you slouch over the couch in the break room, not caring if your coat gets wrinkled underneath your weight. “I just don’t understand any of this.”

“I know right, how can someone lack that much compassion?” Taehyung wrestles with two packs of ramen noodles as he empties them into the pot of boiling water and replaces the lid. “Ugh I’m so craving a chicken burger from Burger King right now but I swear Irene sunbae is literally guarding that door.”

“What? What are you talking about?” The smell of piping hot instant ramen stirs your appetite and persuades you to get up from the couch and make your way to the table. 

Taehyung pauses as he lifts the lid to crack two eggs in. “Wait, you weren’t talking about her? Then who- oh! Our landlord? Yeah, I can’t believe she kicked us out over my sex life…”

At the mention of your currently evicted status, you reach to hit him square on the forehead with the back of your spoon, satisfied when it makes a loud thwack and he flinches in pain. “No, I was talking about Park Jimin, my newest patient. He just seems like such a sweet, innocent boy but yet he’s capable of such violence… It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“You know what they say, it’s always the quiet ones,” Taehyung leers at you as he reaches to uncover the pot of steaming noodles and begins to dig in.

You open your mouth to tell him that he can go fuck himself, but he somehow manages to stuff an entire chopstick’s worth of noodles in and it burns your tongue, but succeeds in getting you to shut up for at least 5 minutes.

“Anyway, I have a suggestion,” Taehyung says in the midst of a mouthful of noodles.

Indulging in a mini duel with him over the last egg yolk, you don’t bother acknowledging him as you concentrate on successfully scooping it onto your spoon without breaking it.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me what it is?”

You narrow your eyes at him, but choose to humour him anyway. “What is it?”

“You should go see him at practice. I mean, most of his aggression manifests during games right? So maybe you should observe him at ground zero, y’know what I mean?” He takes a sip from his coffee cup.

You take a moment to seriously consider his suggestion, and you have to admit that it does make a lot of sense, which you weren’t expecting. “Wow. You’re actually capable of saying something useful for once. Thanks, Tae.”

“That’s so not true, I say useful things all the time, like- oh speaking of, Jimin was the one who rescheduled that time right? He was originally supposed to be with me.” Taehyung stands to carry the pot to the sink, and you follow him to toss your chopsticks in as he starts the tap to wash up.

“Yeah, why?”

“You sure you can manage an extra patient on top of all those that you have? He sounds like he’s gonna take up a lot of your time, especially if you need to take time off from your shifts to go see him.” Taehyung shoots you a concerned look as he reaches for the dish soap. “Maybe you should pass one of your other patients to me. How about Namjoon, the out-patient?”

“I don’t know, won’t Irene throw a fit or something? She said no transferring of patients amongst ourselves. Sejeong almost got kicked out of residency for doing that in her first month, remember?”

“It’ll be fine, besides, I think she’s even more likely to get on my case for having a lesser workload than the other residents. It’s not really switching, per se, and his case is simple enough for me to handle.” 

You’re a little hesitant to agree to this, although Taehyung is right and you could really do with one less patient. Your schedule right now is completely filled to the brim, but all those years in med school and internships you’ve learned to get used to a hectic work life with almost no personal or social life, so it doesn’t really bother you. Work is life, life is work. It’s simply the fate you chose when entering med school, and it’s something you’ve accepted long ago. But you wouldn’t want Taehyung to get in trouble either for having one less patient than the rest of you, especially since your residency period is so close to being over. 

“Okay, I guess, I’ll leave his stuff on your desk later,” you reluctantly agree.

*

“Noona! What brings you here?” Jeongguk greets you in surprise with his white shirt almost halfway over his head as he disrobes for the start of training, so his voice comes out a little muffled.

“Oh, just thought of dropping by since I had a free afternoon,” you casually lie to him; you had to beg and plead for Sejeong to take over your afternoon rounds for the day.

“Jimin-hyung will be so excited that you’re here- JIMIN-SSI!!!” He bellows in the direction of the changing rooms as he tosses his white shirt onto the steps of the spectator’s gallery.

“Wait, don’t call him over, I don’t want him to know-“

Too late. Jimin comes bounding out of the male changing room, already stripped to his training attire of swim trunks. He scans your general direction for a couple of seconds, eyes narrowed against the harsh glare of the sun before he spots you and Jeongguk on the steps and jogs over with a grin on his face.

“_____, you didn’t tell me you were coming!” He reaches the step below you in an instant. 

“Oh, I um…” you’re trying to come up with a believable excuse as to why you’re here, but your brain goes blank at that moment. Maybe it’s because of the unrelenting sweltering heat of the midday sun, or the fact that the square inch area of exposed bare skin has just doubled upon Jimin’s arrival. 

You really need to desensitize yourself to all this semi nudity. 

“I just wanted to observe you for a bit,” you finally say lamely, and Jimin’s eyes widen in realisation. 

“Oh, did Seokjin-hyung ask you to?” His enthusiasm seems to die down a little, evident in the way his grin fades a little as he contemplates that you might be here on purely professional grounds only, not to see him. 

You give him a muted nod in response, heaving a sigh of relief when Seokjin emerges from a distance away and gathers everyone with a blow of his whistle and the threat of extra laps around the pool.

As the team starts their warmup exercises, you duck back under the shade and pull out your tablet, running through your previous notes to refresh your memory. After a while, Seokjin sets up a practice game within the players and joins you on the sidelines.

“_____, thanks for coming.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. I just wanted to, y’know, observe him in his element, at ground zero, as we would call it.” A smile crosses your face when you use Taehyung’s self-coined term.

“And how is it so far?” He peers towards the pool, keeping an eye on every movement, every pass that the players make.

“Nothing unusual to report so far, unfortunately,” you watch the players toss the ball back and forth across the length of the pool. “He seems like a really great team player, doesn’t hog the ball and passes well to others, yet still manages to display individual tenacity and strength that makes up a good portion of the overall team’s effectiveness.” 

“Wow, that was really accurate,” Seokjin turns to you with an impressed look on his face. “I’ve been training that boy for years now, and I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“I can see why you’ve never given up on him after all these years. He really does have the potential to show so much more than what I saw at his last game.” You watch as Jimin playfully dunks Jeongguk’s head under the water after effortlessly scoring a goal. “And this is off topic, but Jeongguk stands out a lot too.”

“Yeah, he’s what we call the centre, kinda like the equivalent of a quarterback, mainly due to his size. That boy is a beast, has been one ever since college even though he’s the youngest on the team. He’s like our golden boy, with him we’ve never lost a match before. Imagine if Jeongguk and Jimin could play a full game together…” Seokjin releases a deep sigh.

“But he seems okay today,” you turn to him. “Jimin, I mean. He hasn’t had an episode yet, even though the other side has gained possession of the ball quite a few times already. That’s what set him off last time, right?”

Seokjin shakes his head. “It only happens during official games. During practice matches he’s absolutely fine, no trace of foul play anywhere.”

Violent behaviour is not tied down to a particular external trigger. You look away from the gameplay in the pool to type this observation down before returning your attention to the pink haired boy in the pool roughhousing with his teammates, except with an overjoyed grin on his face, not a ferocious, malicious glower.

Seokjin allows the boys a few more moments in the pool before he wraps up the training session and dismisses them. You remain in your seat deep in thought till you realise that Jeongguk is trying to get your attention from the shallower side of the pool.

“Noona! Noona, come quickly, I think Jimin has a cramp!” Your eyes fly over to Jimin’s thrashing form slightly further away, and your heart skips a panicked beat.

Seokjin is nowhere to be found, having long ago disappeared into the changing rooms. You abandon your tablet and bag on the stands, keeping your eyes firmly on the pink head of hair as you approach the side of the pool.

You’re two steps away from diving in yourself, not even pausing to question why Jeongguk looks so calm with his best friend almost drowning not even a metre away from him. But then you notice something strange- this part of the pool is shallow enough for Jimin’s feet to touch the ground, and it looks like only the upper part of his body is struggling, which means-

SPLASH! Jeongguk grabs the backs of your knees and pulls, causing you to fall face first into the water if he hadn’t caught you in his arms. Still, you sputter as his arms surround your waist and he pulls you close to his body, your legs kicking feebly as you gasp and cough. 

“J-jeon Jeongguk!” You screech at him in fury as you push and slap at his chest, and he lets you go with a howl of laughter.

A few paces away, Jimin is almost doubled over in laughter as well, clutching his sides in the water as he wades towards you. He places his hands on your shoulders as he grins at you with pure unadulterated elation. “_____, are you okay?” 

“NO,” you spit out the heavy taste of chlorine in your mouth. “I haven’t been in a pool since like high school, and you just broke my record. I was gonna call up the Guinness Book of Records tomorrow, but I guess that won’t work now.”

Jimin only collapses into more peals of laughter as his head lurches forward, resting on your collarbone as he giggles. 

“Ah, I can’t believe you fell for that, noona,” Jeongguk has a smug little look on his face. “Oh, since you just happen to be in the pool, Yugyeom bets that I can’t beat him in a chicken fight.”

“You can’t, dickhead!” A blonde haired boy at the other end of the pool yells out immediately upon hearing his name. 

Jeongguk rolls his eyes. “And he’s right, I can’t win in a chicken fight against him, not with all these fat asses on the team.” He shifts his gaze toward Jimin playfully, but his head is still buried in your neck. 

Suddenly, your cheeks grow hot as you realise how intimate the two of you look, so you gently push Jimin away, putting some distance in between.

“But I can win if it’s you, noona,” his tone is imploring, doe eyes wide as he tugs on your hand. “Please just help me out this once, if I lose Yugyeom’s gonna take my character on Overwatch the next time we play!”

“Um… is that a bad thing?”

“Um… duh??” He looks at you as if you have three heads. “Widowmaker is my favourite!!!” 

“Just play McCree then,” Jimin is surveying your less than thrilled reaction, trying to give you an escape from Jeongguk’s insistent pleading.

“But Widowmaker is hotter- and I shouldn’t be listening to a guy who makes his team carry him all the damn time,” Jeongguk shoots back. 

You have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, and honestly, all you want to do right now is take a hot shower and curl up in bed. Preferably not the one in the resident’s room, but then you remember your current eviction status, and dread courses through you. 

“Fine- if I do this, will you let me out of this damn pool?”

“Wait- really? Yes!! Of course, thank you noona!” Jeongguk’s eyes light up in excitement. “Yugyeom, you little shit, I’m gonna beat your ass today!”

“Wait, who will be paired with Yugyeom?” You watch as Yugyeom approaches your side of the pool, and Jeongguk greets him with an elaborate handshake that involves way too much dabbing, rivalry temporarily forgotten.

Boys. 

“Huh? Oh, Jimin-hyung of course,” he grins in excitement just as Yugyeom’s face falls when he realises why Jeongguk is so confident of his chances, the reason being your soaked figure. “Oh, this is gonna be too easy, noona we’re definitely gonna win this.”

“Wait, you get a pretty girl on your shoulders and all I get is this pink haired elephant??”

Jimin snags Yugyeom’s ear between two fingers, tugging with a pressure that makes him apologise immediately. “I’m still your hyung, brat, and I’m not afraid to choke you with these thighs.”

Jeongguk lowers himself in the water, extending a hand towards you. “Noona, get on my shoulders, I promise I won’t drop you.”

Heaving a sigh, you shoot up a quick prayer for patience and for divine protection as you take his hand, positioning yourself behind him and raising one of your legs to the lowered height of his shoulder and sliding your thigh onto his shoulder. Thank God you chose to wear dark coloured shorts today, although the same can’t be said for your light pink tank top.

With his help, you manage to secure your legs on his shoulders, and he stands to his full height with his hands on your upper thighs providing stability. Suddenly the bottom of the pool feels so much further away, and you can’t help but grip onto the strands of his wet hair, tugging on his scalp instinctively.

“Yah- ah noona,” Jeongguk grunts in pain as he takes a few test steps.

“Ah shit, sorry Kookie,” you immediately let go of his hair, but then you struggle to find somewhere else to place them, feeling as if you’re flailing and floundering ungracefully atop his broad shoulders. 

“Relax, noona,” Jeongguk’s calm voice sounds from below, and you can literally feel the vibrations in his chest from where your calves come into contact with the rest of him. He squeezes your knee in an attempt to soothe you. “Tighten your thighs over my shoulders if you feel like you’ll fall. Here, like this,” he pushes the tops of your knees downwards in demonstration. “Just remember not to squeeze sideways like thunder thighs over there.”

At the mention of Jimin, you glance over to him and realise that he’s already astride Yugyeom’s shoulders, his eyes fixed on where Jeongguk’s hands are resting on your upper thighs, left bare as your shorts ride up. He seems to be perfectly at ease atop the other man’s shoulders, a complete opposite of your ungraceful, quivering form.

“It takes a little bit of getting used to, you just need to wiggle around till you find your centre of balance,” Jeongguk approaches the other pair slowly. “You can hold my ears if you need to noona,” he says in an amused tone.

“It’s okay, I-I’m fine,” you try to do as he says and adjust your position atop him, feeling awkward with Jimin watching you so intently, all traces of his cheerful disposition having vanished from his face upon seeing Jeongguk’s hands on your thighs.

“We’ll go easy on you guys, at least till ____ stops looking as if she’s about to jump out of a plane without a parachute,” Jimin squeezes his thighs together, prodding Yugyeom forward even as the man under him protests.

“Ready noona? Yugyeom won’t last long under Jimin-hyung,” Jeongguk reassures you as he comes face to face with Yugyeom.

Jimin raises his hands in defense, and you copy his actions. “Ready… set… go!!” 

You attack first, reaching forward to make contact with Jimin’s palms and push him backwards. But Yugyeom deftly steps back to avoid you, and you tip forward precariously. Jeongguk rapidly advances a few paces in order to help you keep your balance, and you unconsciously grab at his forehead, your heart in your mouth.

“Fucking coward!” Jeongguk provokes them when he really shouldn’t, not when you’re so wobbly and unstable like this, not when you actually have a teeny tiny fear of heights-

Yugyeom charges forward, and Jimin attacks with a determined look on his face, reaching for your outstretched hands. But Jeongguk stands his ground in the water with his legs braced wide apart for impact, and he doesn’t budge a single inch. His hands slide upwards to grip onto your inner thighs, keeping you firmly in place, and his fingers dig into your soft flesh.

Jimin’s eyes flicker downwards to take in this sight, and once you see that he’s distracted, you immediately go in for the kill. You lean forward slightly, and Jeongguk senses your impending attack, taking a few steps forward, providing the momentum as you push hard at Jimin’s firm, bare chest, catching him off guard. He’s too busy staring at Jeongguk’s tanned fingers grasping your soft skin, and he loses his balance. Yugyeom attempts to salvage the situation by retreating hastily, but it’s too late- Jimin’s center of gravity pulls him down into the water with a splash, and Yugyeom goes down with him.

“Yes!! Widowmaker is mine!!!” Jeongguk slaps the surface of the water in jubilation, showering the two of you in water droplets. The thrill and adrenaline of winning races through your veins, and you find yourself joining in on his carefree laughter as the two of you watch Jimin and Yugyeom resurface.

“Jimin-hyung maybe you should stop bulking and do some cardio- ow okay ahhh I’m sorry I was just joking!!” Yugyeom twists away as Jimin tweaks his nipples harshly, and you feel the laughter all the way in the pit of your stomach, and it aches.

“Jeongguk, you owe me one. Help me get off,” you tug at his earlobe to get his attention.

“Anytime, noona, just tell me where you want me,” Jeongguk smirks, and he never misses a chance at innuendo that’s a fact about him that you know all too well. He crouches down so that you can slip off his shoulders and land safely with your feet firmly on the tiles of the pool.

Across from you Yugyeom is hastily demanding a rematch, citing unfair advantages, Jimin looks moody and slightly annoyed as he heads for the side of the pool. You hurry after him, struggling to wade through the shallow waters since you’ve never been a strong swimmer, worried that he might have another violent outbreak because of this.

“Jimin, wait,” you pant as you reach the wall, glancing around for the stairs that you can use to climb out, but it’s all the way over at the other end. Damn it.

Jimin is already a few paces out of the pool, but he pauses when you call his name and turns around to face you.

“Are you okay?” You ask hesitantly, studying his expression intently for any signs of anger or frustration. But he schools his features into neutrality as he reaches down to grasp your hands and pulls you out of the pool in one swift motion. A little floored by his unexpected action and pure strength, you have to grasp his waist for balance, but you pull away almost immediately.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” He sounds a little amused as he watches the red blush spread over your cheeks.

“Oh, um… just asking,” you answer lamely, shivering when a blast of the wind hits. “You don’t happen to have any spare clothes do you? I would ask Jeongguk since he’s mainly responsible for this, but he’s still…”

The both of you look over to Jeongguk who’s still play fighting in the water with Yugyeom.

“Yeah of course! Come wait in our locker room while I get you some stuff to dry off? Everyone’s mostly gone already anyway.” Jimin guides you in the direction with a hand between your shoulder blades.

He rummages in his locker for a couple of moments before tossing you a light blue sweatshirt and grey sweatpants together with a fluffy yellow towel. It’s a little weird to enter the stall next to him and start stripping to rinse the chlorine from your skin, but it’d be even weirder to make things awkward and leave just to go to the women’s toilet, so you suck it up. Similar sounds of water running come from next door, and you try your best not to be too uncomfortable about this as you quickly dry off and squeeze as much water out from your bra as possible. Thankfully the satin material doesn’t absorb much water, so you make sure to dry the surface of the bra cups so it doesn’t soak through Jimin’s sweatshirt and put it on. Deciding to go commando since your underwear can’t be salvaged, you hope Jimin won’t pause to think too much about the logistics of what you’re wearing, or not wearing.

Jimin is already waiting outside while towelling dry his pink hair, fluffing it up with a similar yellow towel draped around his shoulders.

“How does your hair not fade with all that chlorine?” You watch as he styles the cotton candy hued strands of hair with his fingers.

“A lot of bleach, and constant retouches,” he laughs as he glances at you in the mirror. “In fact, I was just gonna ask you if you were willing to help me touch up this month. It’s kinda hard to do it on my own, and Jeongguk always does a shit job at it.”

“What about Yoongi?”

“Yoongi-hyung doesn’t even come out of his room. Sometimes I go like three days without talking to him and I have to knock on his door to make sure he’s alive. But then he just swears at me and tells me to get out.”

“Sounds about right,” you grin at his accurate depiction. Pulling out your phone to check the time, you see that you have three missed calls from Taehyung, ranging from an hour ago to 20 minutes ago and then just 5 minutes ago.

“Hold on, I need to make a call real quick okay?” You say to Jimin before dialling Taehyung back. “What is it?”

“Finally?? Where are you now? Did you drown in the pool or something?” Taehyung immediately answers the call.

“Something like that,” a smile tugs at the corner of your lips. “What did you want? Is Irene-sunbae asking for me? Just tell her that I took an afternoon off, and I’ll be back really soon-”

“No, no it’s not that. It’s nothing to do with work, geez just relax for a second. It’s good news.”

“Every time you say that, I start preparing for the worst, you know that right?”

You can almost imagine Taehyung rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. “No, it’s good news, _____, I promise. I found a solution to our housing problem, and the landlord is really amazing! He said we can move in as soon as possible, so I wanted to ask you to come back to the house to help pack all our stuff and we can start moving in.” 

It sounds too good to be true, but Taehyung has a knack of solving problems you couldn’t in the past. “Really? That’s so amazing, I’m about to head back right now-”

“Drop a pin on your location and I’ll come get you? I’m getting in an Uber right now.”

“Okay, see you in a bit.” You hang up only to find Jimin staring at you, and you raise an eyebrow at him, and he smiles that shy smile of his when he’s been caught.

“Boyfriend?” Jimin can’t help but ask, even though it doesn’t sound like you would be talking to your boyfriend, but he figures this is an excellent chance to find out if you’re single, and he isn’t going to let it go to waste.

“Oh, ugh no,” you wrinkle your nose at the thought of dating Taehyung, not because you didn’t find him attractive, but because you’ve known him for way too long to ever think of him in that way. “Just my best friend who got us kicked out of our apartment last week.”

“Ouch, that’s rough,” Jimin follows as you head for the exit of the changing room, and he can’t help but admire how good your butt looks in his sweatpants. For once he thanks his lucky stars that Jeongguk was distracted and didn’t offer you his own clothes, because seeing you dressed in his oversized sweatshirt does things to him that should be illegal. “You need a place to crash then? But you said you stay in the hospital residents’ room right?”

“Yeah, but our residency is ending soon so we need to find somewhere else that’s a little more permanent. And besides, staying there is so depressing, it’s literally like a hellhole.” You wrap your hair in his towel so that it won’t drip all over your clothes. “Taehyung’s coming to pick me up, but thanks Jimin. I’ll return you these at our next session okay?”

“No it’s okay, take your time,” Jimin watches as you check your phone for the Uber driver’s plate number. He wishes he was as outgoing and charming as Jeongguk to flirt and touch you like he did in the pool earlier, but the notion of you coming here to check up on him as just another patient diminishes his confidence, a problem that he’s never had before. As he waves you goodbye, the thought that you’ll only ever see him as a patient, as someone who’s less than whole, makes his heart sit heavily in the middle of his chest.

*

“Tae, you never mentioned how you managed to find an apartment so quickly,” you wipe the sweat off your brow as you shift the last of the boxes out of the apartment, leaving it empty and bare.

“Oh, didn’t I? I was just talking to one of my patients about how my insensitive landlord kicked me out, and he said he just happened to have extra rooms for rent. Turns out my patient was a landlord too, so everything worked out perfectly!” He grins at you proudly, as if expecting some kind of thanks or praise.

Instead, you frown in disapproval. “Tae, you know we’re not supposed to talk about our personal lives with patients. That’s really unprofessional.”

The move-in truck is waiting downstairs, so he grabs the heavier boxes and starts his way down the steps. “Relax, _____, it’s no big deal. I just wanted to build some rapport with him, and to make him feel at ease a little. He looked really tense and anxious, so I had to talk about something unrelated to take his mind off things.”

“Who is this patient? Is he new?” You unload your box into the back of the truck and climb in, waiting for Taehyung to join you before you knock on the side of the truck to let the driver know that he can set off.

“It’s Namjoon, the one you passed to me.”

You raise your eyebrows in surprise. “He’s a landlord? Wow, that’s really convenient, I guess. You really came in useful this time, brat.” You reach to mess up his hair fondly, which he hates.

“I didn’t want to stay a second longer with that awful demoness of a landlord.”

It’s a little uncomfortable riding in the back with all the boxes of stuff, but the journey isn’t long and the truck pulls up to a small little villa of apartments that sits on a hill. There are two rows of units that flank a row of steps leading to the top of the hill, and the steps are lined with potted plants and flowers that you assume belong to the residents who stay there, giving off a romantic and cosy vibe. The apartment building is decked out in bright pastel colours on the outside, with cute little artworks and decorations scattered all over.

“Wow, this is incredible! It looks like a mini resort getaway,” you comment to Taehyung as he helps you down from the truck. You’d never imagine being able to find a place like this in Seoul. “Wait, how much does this cost?”

“Don’t worry, ____, the landlord gave us a special rate when I mentioned you were my roommate too,” Taehyung starts to unload some of the boxes. “Namjoon-hyung’s really cool.”

“Namjoon-hyung? Tae, you know what I said about getting close to our patients.”

“It’s fine, besides, if I didn’t get so friendly with him, we wouldn’t have been able to stay here!” He scrolls through his phone for the address that Namjoon texted him, and even though you disapprove of his approach and demeanour around his patients, it’s not something you can control. “It’s the 3rd apartment on the left. The existing tenants are in today, so we can just knock.”

You bend down to pick up a box and start heading up the stairs, pausing to prop it on your hip when you reach the correct door and ring the doorbell. There’s a scuffle of feet sounding inside, followed by a male voice of acknowledgement before the door opens, only to reveal-

“Jeongguk?”

“Noona! What are you doing here?” His eyes spot the box on your hip and then widen in realisation. “OH, you’re our new flatmate? Namjoon-hyung said you were moving in today!” 

“Wait, what?? You live here? D-does that mean Yoongi and Jimin also live here?” You almost drop the box in shock at the realisation, and Jeongguk hurriedly opens the gate to relieve you of the burden before you drop it on your foot.

“Yeah, but there’s still plenty of room in this apartment, there’s like 3 unused rooms still,” Jeongguk peers out past you to spot Taehyung struggling with the remainder of the boxes. “I’ll get Jimin-hyung to come help, just wait here a moment okay? Or wait, actually, just come in noona!” 

Every single bone in your body is filled with hesitation as you kick off your shoes and pad into the apartment. The living room and common area is small but tidy, and it’s conjoined to the kitchen area, separated by a dining table with four chairs. Jeongguk sets the box down before knocking on the first door in the hallway, one you assume to be Jimin’s. The second door opens and Yoongi’s head peeks out to find out the source of all the noise, and he pauses just a second when he sees you standing in the living room. 

“JIMIN-SSI!!” Jeongguk’s yell practically shakes the entire apartment as he pounds on Jimin’s door. “He’s a real heavy sleeper, some mornings I have to literally pour ice water on him.”

The door swings open and a sleepy looking Jimin emerges, his eyes half open and with the messiest bedhead you’ve ever seen. His eyes widen comically to twice their size when he registers you in his house, and for an awkward moment, you fidget on the spot with the gazes of three men fixed on you.

Until Taehyung bursts into the apartment and shatters the awkward silence with a shout. “Home sweet home!!”

“Um, Taehyung-” You’re interrupted when he greets Jeongguk with the half hug, half hand clasp that all guys seem to do, that somehow evolves into a dab and the nae nae. They seem to be getting along so well already, and you roll your eyes. “Tae…”

He greets Jimin the same way, although seems to realise that he can’t pull it off with Yoongi, and accords him a respectful bow instead. Satisfied, Yoongi gives him a taciturn nod before disappearing back into his room.

“Taehyung…” You rarely ever use his full name like this, but when you do, he knows it’s serious. So he turns to you with a questioning look on his face.

“What is it? Did we get like the wrong unit or something?”

“We need to talk. Outside. Now.”

Jimin and Jeongguk watch as the two of you step outside for a moment, and Jeongguk starts to follow when Jimin stops him with a hand on his wrist. “Um, do you guys want me to move the rest of the stuff into the house?”

“Just hold up a second okay Jeongguk?” Your voice sounds particularly stressed and a little frantic, and Jeongguk mumbles an “okay noona” and leaves you alone with Taehyung outside the apartment.

“Taehyung, we can’t live here.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?? I’m treating two out of the three people in that damn house, that’s why!! It’s unprofessional, and definitely crossing a line! I don’t care what you said about building a rapport and all, or making your patients feel at ease, this is just too much, I can’t deal with it. We need to find another place.” You run your hands through your hair in frustration when he doesn’t seem to understand how wrong this is, and for the first time, you resent how different your personalities are.

Right from the start Taehyung has always been the more extroverted, easygoing of the two of you, and your friendship started because he saw you struggling with no friends and decided to adopt you as his introvert to take under his wing. The two of you complement each other perfectly, he brings out the best in you and you in him, but at times like this when you disagree about something, it’s definitely a headache.

Taehyung takes a deep breath, placing his large hands on your shoulders in an effort to calm you down, which only agitates you further.

“I’m not overreacting, Taehyung, I don’t need you to calm me down like this,” you start to brush his hands away angrily, but he holds on tight.

“Geez, I didn’t say you were overreacting, _____.” To his credit, Taehyung is the only one who knows how to deal with your temper. “I just thought that it would be better if you could get to observe Jimin in an environment that he’s comfortable in to help you get a more accurate diagnosis. We can still keep work and our personal lives separate, it’s not that big of a deal. Just treat them as patients when they’re in your consultation room, and try to see past their diagnoses at home, okay? Treat them like normal people, _____, cos that’s what they are. Remember we were taught to see people as more than their mental illnesses?”

“Yeah, I remember, and I am doing that, but…” You try to argue back feebly, but there’s no way you can get out of this living arrangement without coming off as one of those doctors who only sees their patients with a huge label across their forehead.

“Good girl, now call Jeongukkie and Jiminnie out to help us with the rest of these okay?”

*

“You must all be wondering why I gathered you here today.” You look at the four men currently seated in a row on the too-small couch in the living room, and they stare back at you blankly.

Yoongi has his trademark annoyed expression on his face for having been rudely jostled out of his nap, and he would have bitten the offending person’s head off had it not been you. Jeongguk is the unfortunate soul to be seated right next to Yoongi’s fuming self, and the broad shouldered golden haired boy curls his frame into himself, trying his best to give Yoongi as much space as possible to avoid pissing him off even more. Jimin has one leg crossed over the other so that his smaller frame fits nicely into the space between Taehyung and Jeongguk, and Taehyung just looks bored, as if he knows what’s about to come.

“We need to set some ground rules in this house, if we’re all gonna be living together in peace and harmony.”

Yoongi grunts in affirmation, which surprises you, until- “Sounds great to me, I’ll start. Number one, no waking Yoongi up, I’ll get up when I fucking feel like it. Jimin and Jeongguk know this all too well already, so this is mainly for the benefit of the two of you.”

You roll your eyes back at him. “I didn’t open the floor to suggestions yet, but fine, we’ll go with that. Since Yoongi started the ball rolling so nicely, I’ll continue.”

“Noona, shouldn’t we be taking turns, like in a clockwise direc-” Jeongguk’s voice trails off as you shoot him an icy cold glare.

Satisfied with his silence, you fold your arms and read off your list that you typed up on your phone. “Firstly, always knock before entering someone else’s room. Common sense, but needs to be said. Secondly, no walking around the house without clothes on. Occupants have to be fully clothed at all times.”

Jeongguk whines at this. “But noona, it’s summer now, and it’s so hot! I can’t wear shirts in the house, and Jimin-hyung always sleeps naked-”

“Non. Negotiable. Or your PC gets confiscated. No more Overwatch.”

“Just go with it, Kook.” Taehyung whispers across Jimin, and for a second you’re a little touched that he would be on your side like this. “She’s like a stubborn little mule who hates carrots, so she can’t be bribed.”

You glower at Taehyung, who immediately sits up straight and acts like he hasn’t said anything.

“Thirdly, if you want to bring… company home…” you pin Taehyung with a pointed glare, letting him know that this rule applies especially to him, “you need to give the rest of us a 24-hour notice. Or else you have to find somewhere else to… wet your stick, or whatever you kids are calling it these days.”

“24-hours?? What the fuck?? Would you like us to submit an application in writing too?” Taehyung springs to his feet in indignation, but Jeongguk and Jimin grab the sleeve of his shirt and pull him back down.

“Just go with it, Tae,” they say in unison, and satisfaction blooms in your chest.

“Great! That will be all for now, and if there are any more rules that I feel need to be implemented, there’ll be another house meeting. As of now, you’re dismissed-”

A knock on the front door interrupts you, but before you can go to answer it, a blonde sticks his head around the front door curiously.

“Namjoon?”

“Uh, yeah hi _____, it’s your landlord, and I just wanted to check in on how you guys were doing with moving in… and stuff.” He opens the door a little wider but remains standing outside, surveying the current mess of a living room that’s crowded with all your boxes.

Taehyung immediately rushes to the door to greet him with a hug, only to have Namjoon wincing in distaste as he pats Taehyung’s back gingerly. “Namjoon-hyung! Thank you so much for helping us out, or else ____ and I would be out on the streets by now. Come in and have a seat!!” 

“Or not,” you mutter, noticing the pained expression on Namjoon’s face as Taehyung pulls away, his eyes taking in all the accumulated dirt and dust that comes with moving in. “Tae, we should really start unpacking if we want to finish by today. We have work tomorrow.”

The relief is evident on Namjoon’s face as Taehyung pulls away reluctantly, and he shoots you a thankful grin. “Well, kids, if you guys need anything, I’m just in the unit upstairs. But call first before dropping by!”

*

It might be strange to live in the same house as two of your patients, but humans are known for their ability to adapt to any situation, so that’s what you do. Adapt. Thankfully most of your days are spent at the hospital, leaving before sunrise and returning well after sunset, so you hardly see much of your housemates for the first week or so.

The quiet lull of the early dawn morning coaxes you back to sleep, but you force yourself to try and remain awake as you apply the rest of your makeup before straightening your lavender lace pencil skirt. As usual, the house is quiet since Taehyung starts his shifts later than you, and you head for the kitchen for a quick cup of coffee before heading to work. But instead of finding an empty kitchen like you do on most mornings, today it’s occupied by two other bickering figures.

Jimin looks at the clock on the wall anxiously. It’s almost time for you to leave for work, and fucking Jeongguk has fucked up the eggs. He doesn’t know how it’s possible for someone to mess up a hard-boiled egg, but Jeongguk surprises him every time. “Jeongguk, I told you the water needs to be salted first.”

“Fuck you hyung, the eggs taste just fine to me- oh noona! Good morning!” Jeongguk is the first to notice you standing awkwardly at the entrance of the kitchen.

Jimin whirls around, still holding a loaf of bread in one hand, taking in your sleepy expression that contrasts with your polished appearance. He takes a second to admire your smooth skin, and wonders how you’d look like without makeup. “Good morning, _____.”

“Morning,” you greet them with an amused smile on your face as you manoeuvre between the two athletes’ bulky bodies to get your cup from the drying rack. “What are you guys doing up this early? Training?”

“Nah, Seokjin never makes us wake up for morning trainings partially because he can’t wake up himself,” Jimin reaches into the bag of bread and pulls out two slices, highly aware of how you have to slot your slim body in between his and Jeongguk’s to reach for the cup you want.

“You look nice today, noona,” Jeongguk takes in your work attire appreciatively, and his eyes are lingering on the tight fit of your midi pencil skirt, that pervert. “I thought doctors had to wear like those awful looking single coloured scrubs.”

“Those are for surgeons, Kook.” The whir of the coffee machine starts up, and Jimin watches as you tap your fingers on the counter while waiting. “I chose this precisely because I wouldn’t have to deal with blood or wear those god-awful scrubs.”

To stop himself from gawking at you like some kind of love struck teenager, Jimin forces himself to concentrate on mixing the chopped up egg whites with some mayo and butter, combining it to form the perfect consistency before spooning it onto some fluffy white bread. From the corner of his eye he can still see you as you sip at your coffee delicately, letting out a pleased sigh when the liquid touches your lips, a sound that threatens to make him relive the memories of his morning wood. He finishes your sandwich and is just about to muster up the courage to turn around and give it to you, but then-

“See you guys, have a good day!” You’re holding your to-go cup and slipping on your heels outside the apartment, about to leave for the day. A fresh wave of panic rises inside him and he’s frozen to the spot, but Jeongguk snatches the sandwich right out of his hands and dumps it into a paper bag, racing up to the door.

“Noona wait, at least eat this on the way!” He holds it out to you.

“Did you wake up early to make this for me?” You raise an eyebrow at him, since usually the two boys always sleep past noon, as far as you know.

“We’re trying to up our protein intake like Seokjin-hyung told us, so we have to eat at least 4 egg whites a day,” Jimin finally manages to stop his seething and follow Jeongguk to the door, although he’s pissed that now it sounds like Jeongguk made this sandwich for you.

“Really? Well thanks, Kook,” you take the bag with a smile and ruffle his hair fondly, sliding your foot into your other shoe and unlocking the gate.

Jeongguk shoots him a triumphant smirk and turns around to head back to bed, and Jimin sees his chance.

“_____, wait.” Jimin hastily stuffs his feet into his slippers, eyes still barely half open against the morning rays of light as he follows you down the steps. “Can I walk you to work?”

“No.”

“Why not?” He pauses on the step above you, and he hates how his voice sounds so small and defeated already. His hopeful expression dims, deflated by your outright rejection.

“Because doctors don’t let their patients walk them to work.” With that, you turn around and continue heading down the stairs, leaving Jimin staring at your back with a bitter taste in his mouth that definitely isn’t the eggs.

*

Were you too harsh with Jimin this morning? You let out a frustrated sigh as you bury your hands in the pocket of your white coat, heading for your morning rounds.

Try to treat them like normal people, ______. Taehyung’s words resurface again in your mind, and it feels as if he’s reprimanding your cold behaviour toward Jimin this morning. You definitely regretted what you said the second it left your mouth, but to take it back would be lame and embarrassing, so there was nothing you could do but keep walking.

Fucking Kim Taehyung. It’s all his fault for making us live in this stupid house, you grit your teeth, fully aware that you’re projecting but with no intention of stopping. So when you enter Mr Seung’s ward, your face is devoid of your usual smile.

“What’s wrong, Dr_____?” The old man immediately picks up on your mood as he watches you flip through his charts.

“It’s nothing, I’m sorry,” you breathe out a sigh. “I just had a bad morning. I didn’t mean to ruin yours too.”

“No need to apologize, and nothing you do could ruin my morning.” Mr Seung is always happy to see you every morning, which only worsens your guilt upon seeing his cheerful, unwavering smile. “Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

You hesitate at his bedside, feeling the urge to get rid of this burden on your shoulders by sharing it with someone, but also fully aware that you risk crossing a line with your patients that you swore never to breach all those years ago. But the old man looks so concerned and fatherly, and at that moment you crumble and start telling him everything.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to unload on you like that,” your cheeks heat up in embarrassment when you realise that you’ve been talking for a good 20 minutes straight. “This is so unprofessional; I should leave now.”

“Wait, _____,” he stops you with a hand on your wrist. “You know; Dr Kim is right. Being a patient doesn’t mean you can’t treat us like normal human beings. As a doctor you always listen to people’s problems, so why can’t I listen to yours for a change? It’s not unprofessional, on the contrary, it shows me that you trust me enough to tell me this.”

You pause to consider his point of view. “But I wouldn’t want to bother you with my personal problems and stuff, you already have enough as it is on your plate.”

“What do I have enough of on my plate?” He chuckles in amusement. “Lying here all day having people watch me isn’t exactly keeping busy. Trust me dear, you’re not a bother at all. It’s okay to ask other people to listen to you for a change.”

“But there’s nothing you can do about this situation, and I don’t want to make you feel bad for not being able to help me,” you squeeze his hand with a small smile. “It doesn’t improve my situation, and all I’m doing is making one more person worry about me.”

“Even if it doesn’t change anything,” the old man reaches to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear fondly, “it’s a lot less lonely isn’t it?”

And he’s right. You remember the first time he was brought in to see you, suffering from hallucinations and grief from the death of his wife in a car accident. His first instinct was to shut everyone out, begging for them to return his wife to him and threatening to kill himself if they didn’t comply. He was full of blame and resentment, and had to be put on round the clock suicide watch. Mr Seung refused to talk at all to anyone, insisting that no one would help him anyway. One night, when it was your turn to watch him, he had a particularly bad hallucination of his wife who asked him to hang the sheets from the ceiling and kill himself, but you managed to stop him and talk him through his trauma.

“I guess you’re right, it is less lonely.”

*

When you arrive back at home that day, your head is pounding and you’re more exhausted than usual, which is why you opt to sleep at home instead of the residents’ room tonight. You kick off your heels and leave them lying at the front door as you let yourself in, wanting nothing more than to isolate yourself in your room with some ramen before turning in for the night.

You find Yoongi in the kitchen with some takeout boxes.

“Man, you look like shit,” he comments immediately.

“You don’t look so hot yourself,” you grumble back, taking in his bedraggled appearance of a black hoodie and grey shorts.

“Yeah, all-nighters tend to do that to you.” Yoongi breaks apart his chopsticks and digs them into the takeout box before skirting around you to head back to his room.

“Wait, are you not sleeping well?” You ask in concern, trying to remember what his latest dosage of medicine is like. You could prescribe him some more without having to go to the hospital, but you’re not sure if your stash of sleeping pills is enough-

“I’m okay, _____. This isn’t the hospital, yeah? Was just making an innocent comment, is all. I was working on my mixtape.” He tells you with a meaningful look, which you take to mean that he knows about what you said to Jimin that morning.

Great. One more person to judge the fuck out of you when you’re just trying to be proper and draw the appropriate lines. You roll your eyes at him in response and head into the bathroom to start your shower, hoping that the hot water will wash away all the remains of this shitty day.

You step out of the bathroom 15 minutes later, only to run straight into Jimin, who’s sweaty and panting from his evening jog and you curse the gods above for this awful, awful day. Sweat glistens on his bare chest as he sweeps his damp pink hair off his forehead, flashing you a reserved smile. Attempting to sidestep him only becomes even more awkward when he happens to step in the same direction as you, multiple times, until he pauses and lets you skirt around him instead.

“Sorry,” you mumble under your breath, trying to avoid eye contact with him at all costs.  

“It’s okay,” Jimin says as he steps into the bathroom behind you, leaving behind a tinge of awkwardness that lingers in the atmosphere.

You make your ramen as quickly as possible in order to make it back to your room before he finishes showering, breathing a sigh of relief once your door is finally closed and you’re shut off from the outside world. At this point you’re starting to think you should have stayed in the residents’ room instead, so at least you wouldn’t have to run from your housemates pathetically like this.

Or resort to hiding in your room like a prey being cornered. You sigh despondently, but at least Taehyung isn’t home tonight or else you’d definitely be hearing from him about this morning. Somehow being around Jimin now sets you on edge, keeping him at arms-length just isn’t possible anymore if you’re sharing the same living space. It’s different with Yoongi since he doesn’t really make an effort to go out of his way to interact with you, and you aren’t treating Jeongguk.

But this awkward atmosphere between you and Jimin won’t go unnoticed for long, and soon the whole house will know about this. And you can’t let your relationship with him suffer while trying to maintain a professional distance either, as it might bear consequences when you’re actually trying to treat him in sessions.

In other words, Kim Taehyung is right about his rapport thing.

Steeling your nerves and taking a deep breath, you decide that you have to at least clear the air with him. You head for the door, already planning out a casual topic of conversation to bring up with him in your head, when a knock sounds.

You open the door cautiously, and it’s Jimin.

He looks freshly showered, his pink hair a little faded and damp, which reminds you that he did ask for your help in doing a touch-up. You’re about to mention this to him when you notice that he’s carrying a laundry basket with what looks like your clothes in it.

“Um, I was just doing the laundry and I thought I’d bring you yours,” he places the basket on the floor, and you shift your weight from one foot to the other.

“Wow, um, thanks Jimin, you really didn’t have to…” you glance down at the pile of clothes in the basket, and when you realise that you’d thrown in your ugliest pair of underwear in the last load, you almost groan in embarrassment. “I um… really appreciate you doing this, but I can get my own laundry next time.”

You want to slap yourself once the words leave your mouth and you realise how standoffish they sound. Jimin’s face crumples in disappointment, and he nods mutely before turning and heading back to his own room, right across the hallway from yours and letting the door slam.

Fuck. So much for clearing the air.

Letting out a long-suffering sigh, you curse your inability to phrase your words better when it comes to Jimin. At this rate, you might end up worsening his condition rather than helping him, and it’s already evident in how nervous and shy he is around you, compared to his confident, goofy self around Jeongguk and when you first met him.

You approach his door and knock apprehensively, and you think he’s actually sulking when he doesn’t immediately respond. But you have to at least try and clear the air with him and get on the same page or else you won’t be able to sleep tonight, so you decide to break the first rule you set.

Pushing open the door gingerly, you peek into his room for the first time. His bed his tucked away neatly in the corner of the room, and in the opposite corner is a mini gym with weights and dumbbells laid out on a yoga mat, together with a gym ball. His desk is bare except for a few books, and One Piece anime figurines are lined up from one end to the next.

“Jimin?” You don’t spot him immediately, but the sound of something clattering to the ground draws your attention to a hunched figure on the ground beside the bed.

Park Jimin raises his head to reveal his tearstained face, his own eyes glittering with an unfamiliar, menacing look that’s replicated in the harsh lines of his clenched jaw. A cruel smirk is etched onto his lips, accompanied by heavy panting as he looks up at you with a glint in his eyes, and you realise that this isn’t the Park Jimin that you know. 

The blade of the penknife in his hands is stained with crimson.

[mysticdrabbles]

I'd love to hear your mental health headcanons!! Esp about saeran and Saeyoung. I feel like most people forget about Saeyoung bc saeran is arguably worse off but that boy isnt neurotypical in the slightest

Hello I’m back and the reason I’m doing this one first is because mental health sucks am I right okay moving on

Zen:

I’ve seen a lot of people suggest NPD but I personally disagree?

I don’t think Zen actually believes a damn word he says about how great he is, on any level. 

It’s 100% fake it til you make it. 

Only he figures he’ll never make it so he guesses he’ll just fake it forever ahahaha

And Zen shows literally zero trace of some of the other NPD criteria.

So, not NPD. And while he has at least a depressive episode in his route, I don’t think he has capital D depression either.

He obviously has his own issues that he struggles with, but I don’t know if any of them are like... diagnosable?

Although I did see someone (you can read the post HERE) say he could have Body Dismorphic Disorder, and I really liked their reasoning! But I’d never heard of that before so I can’t speak much on it myself.

Yoosung:

Yoosung has been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety

The RFA all practically forced him to see someone after Rika’s death. That’s when he was diagnosed and prescribed SSRIs. The medication helped a lot, and he’s doing a lot better now that he’s on them and has a therapist. 

I also headcanon that he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m not just biased I swear

At first I thought I was but I’ve seen other people say this so it’s become official Mystic Drabbles Headcanon

I also headcanon that Yoosung feels kind of guilty about that one. 

Because like… his life is fine? Especially when he looks at people like the twins, who have gone through so much worse. He wasn’t abused or neglected as a child. He feels like he doesn’t have the right to be as “messed up” as he is?

He’s wrong, of course, obviously, his feelings and problems are valid too. But he can’t help how he feels.

Jaehee:

Is stress a mental disorder because she definitely has that

But like Zen, while she does have her issues, I don’t know if I’d label any of them mental illnesses? She’d possibly be diagnosed with some kind of anxiety disorder, but I think her symptoms can be vastly improved with some encouragement and support from loved ones.

Jumin:

I headcanon him as autistic because I am a sheep

It’s clear he has issues with interacting with and understanding others, but it’s not because he’s uncaring or cruel, despite what others say about him. He’s obviously a very caring and kind person. He truly seems like he just… doesn’t understand sometimes. But he is willing to listen when people try to explain.

He’s trying, and he’s clearly learned to function despite his hardships.

My tol awkward son, I’m proud of him

Seven:

Hahahahaha nothing about this boy is neurotypical

I mentioned before that he has at the very least Borderline traits, maybe not the whole diagnosed disorder?

He definitely has PTSD. For obvious reasons.

He definitely has bipolar disorder. He goes from laughing and joking and building a thousand robots while hacking into like NASA with one hand or something for the lolz because he can’t slow down enough to focus on one thing…

To talking about how he’s useless and nobody and shouldn’t even exist, and feeling so down he can’t get a single thing done.

He’s another one who’s done fairly decently at learning to function around his issues. 

(I headcanon this is partially because he’s done a fair amount of research on them. He likes learning when he’s interested, and he understands the importance of mental health care. It’s just really hard to implement said self-care when you’re actively feeling depressed/manic.)

At the very least, he’s learned to survive through them.

I’m proud of him too.

Saeran:

Saeran is another very Not Neurotypical one.

I already discussed him having BPD.

(Edited after the Ray Route: I’m now 100% sure this is canon. There’s no way they didn’t intentionally write him with BPD at this point, right?)

And it’s obvious he has PTSD.

I forget if I mentioned anxiety? But that too.

We don’t have a lot of canon instances of Saeran interacting with anyone besides Saeyoung, but I headcanon he has social anxiety? In his case, the fear of social interaction can come off as anger/standoffishness when he’s distressed.

(I also headcanon both of the twins get panic attacks sometimes)

V:

He has many issues. Feeling responsible for everyone and everything, his low self-esteem, believing he deserves to suffer…

But while none of these are mentally healthy, I think they stem more from him being a victim of abuse than a mental illness.

He might have anxiety too (GAD, specifically)

And, of course, the PTSD that stemmed from previously mentioned abuse. 

This is the most obvious one, what with the withdrawing from his friends, being increasingly self-destructive, and his obvious constant stress.

Vanderwood:

I feel like they have OCD? Mild enough that they can usually hide it, since it’s a pretty big weakness to be advertising in their line of work, but it’s there. 

They have subtle “quirks”.

Small things that make them feel more in control.

Like… if one thing is off in a room it doesn’t just bug them, they literally have to fix it. Maybe not immediately, but they can’t just… leave it. They know that even if they leave the room it’ll literally ruin their day, if not their life.

(They may or may not have had to stop in the middle of a firefight to straighten a painting once. They did.)

It’s different if a whole room is a mess. They still want to clean it, but it’s weirdly less… urgent? They would definitely feel better if they could. They would feel even better if they could scrub down everything completely.

(You may have noticed that they wear gloves? Yeah they may or may not be somewhat of a germaphobe, too. They are. 

Funny enough though, their cleaning habits are not really related to this. They can deal with the germaphobia much better than they can deal with the messiness.)

They’re also a perfectionist, although they’ve learned that not everything can be perfect and can usually deal with that if they absolutely have to.

It’s still really hard though.

And when given the choice they would absolutely prefer absolute thoroughness in everything they do.

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Heres part of a page from my sketchbook , my drawing is a bit smudged and Joe's hair and tattoo could use a hell of a lot of work (as could my drawing skills in general lol) but theres something very important about this page of my sketchbook.

Heres some backstory:

I had my 3 monthly psychiatrist review last month. All I'm diagnosed with is OCD , Anxiety and depression as well as a tic disorder - Tourette syndrome which does effect my mental health more than someone would normally think. I was referred to this psychiatrist by the Child mental health service in my area upon turning 18 (I'm 20 now) I originally was referred to mental health services for self harming, panic attacks and my tic disorder which at the time was undiagnosed and my gp had no idea what to do about it , thought it was probably anxiety (that's a common theme every time I go to the doctors LOL)

I've been seeing some form of psychiatrist since I was about 12 in all that time I've only briefly mentioned my constant desire to daydream on a couple of occasions , and back when I did I refused to talk in detail mainly because I was ashamed and partly because I have great difficulty explaining things to people . Even my art therapist didnt manage to get a doodle of my daydreams out of me , although at the time I was just a kid , what did it matter , I'd grow out of it.

Or not. I've been conflicted about coming out about my MaDD as even though I know my relationship with daydreaming isn't the world's healthiest one, I have very little desire to stop daydreaming , my life feels so empty without it. After all , my paras have been my best freinds for so long. My inner world an amazing paradise, an escape from life built just for me.

However this appointment was different. I always take my mum to my appointments as a sort of advocate as I really struggle with the talking bit. I've gotten much better recently but still tend to keep quiet about things as I get too choked up to talk properly.

To this appointment I bought my sketchbook as I knew I wanted to talk about my constant urges to daydream , I didnt know how but I thought this crappy sketch of Joe , one of my first paras.

In the waiting room I showed my mum my sketchbook as shes one of the only people I can even think about starting to tell her these things. I still keep a lot of it a secret .

Once in the actual appointment I wasnt sure I was ready to say anything , once again it was a new psychiatrist, although probably one of the nicest I've met, I really hope he stays this time. He asked how I was doing and I didnt really say a lot , I think I spoke a bit about my mood and stuff , and a little about history and stuff. Mum eventually pushed me to show him my sketchbook. I was reluctant and very embarrassed for some reason , but I knew I couldn't turn back . I showed him this sketch of Joe , I mean theres not much in the sketchbook apart from an old character profile of Vlad , that could really use some tweaking and a self portrait and some other drawing exercises and some very messy alchohol and water based marker swatches.

I felt ridiculously embarrassed afterwards because Joe's profile underneath is pretty cringey. Although maybe it's not, maybe that's just what this horrible cringe culture we have on the modern internet has taught me. At the end of the day yes this dude is an androgynous disabled witch , an oc that a 14 year old with a slight interest in character diversity could make , But hes also got a very important role in my life.

Anyway , it felt so freeing to finally tell someone . Daydreaming makes up such a big portion of my life it's been lonely to not be able to share it with anyone. What I really want is someone who I can be comfortable enough to share this all with , every little bit , and for them not to judge me like I judge myself. I dont know if it's possible. But I guess starting this blog was my first step to being more open about the universe behind my eyes.

Since then I had a bit of a moment when I think I realised part of the reason for all this.

Besides the psychiatrist saying that this can be an uncommon manifestation of Obsessive compulsive disorder ( the compulsive desire to daydream , and daydreams that become almost intrusive to every day life) , I realised during my mum having her almost weekly " IM DONE WITH YOU, GET OUT " rant to my dad after he once again acted like an ungrateful peice of shit. That I feel as if theyve been fighting since I can remember . Yeah yeah I know mum , you're not arguing you're just talking, whatever you say .

I dont want to blame my parents for my life issues because that would make me an exact carbon copy of my dad. I mean I've had everything. I dont want to be ungrateful. But I guess the constant nagging at each other doesn't help things. I mean this stuff is probably more common than I think. I need to remember that you dont have to have been through the worlds worst trauma to have some mental health quirks. I guess I just compare myself a lot to other people who've had it worse than me.

Alas , comparing myself to others helps no one , and I'm sorry for being negative. I guess I just have to do what my dad will not do. Put the past behind him. And not dwell on it too much . It is what it is at the end of the day.

Overall , positive steps have been made, even if I still am struggling a little with anxiety at the moment , I'm still managing things . Mainly because of the daydreaming I must admit . It really does help me cope. Even if I am a little lost in it all sometimes.

[02343]

Today’s Card: The Magician I’ve been using the Hermetic Tarot deck gifted to me last year by my good friend Vicky. I’m going to start interpreting these and reflecting because with something like obsessive thoughts that come along with OCD and the kind of progress I’m trying to make in my own personal bubble, I want to start tracking it so I can see it over time. I want to be good to myself. My interpretation:

From Biddy Tarot, where I’ve been studying the meanings of the cards since they are very easy to comprehend, if there’s a better place, please let me know! I actually lost the little booklet that goes with my cards...

“The Magician Tarot card typically appears in a Tarot reading at a time in your life when you have the creative power and energy to create a new life cycle for yourself. You have the ability to take the power of the Universe and manifest your desires. The Magician Tarot card suggests that a situation has been (or soon will be) presented to you that has all the inherent components to allow the manifestation of your desires. Those desires may be spiritual (fire), physical (earth), emotional (water), or mental (air), and are each aligned with the four elements of the Tarot. You have the ability to make it happen!

With the Magician Tarot card, you are inspired to apply skill and initiative to accomplish all your goals. You have a strong desire to begin something new, to ‘do, act, or go forth’. A ‘can-do’ attitude and strong sense of optimism will dominate a new beginning and thus the decisions that you make will have positive results.

The Magician card sees you creating success in everything that you do. This is a Tarot card about manifesting your goals by utilising the skills, tools and resources that are available to you. The Magician suggests that you will come up with creative ways to solve problems and you will be able to use your existing knowledge and networks to arrive at solutions.

The Magician Tarot card is a good omen when you have a specific wish, when you begin a project involving creativity, or when you need to make a transformation of any kind. This is a great Tarot card for meditation when you need to call all the elements for help and wisdom.

The Magician Tarot card indicates that you can benefit from your creative forces if you can claim your power and act with awareness and concentration. This card is a signal to act consciously and act now provided you understand exactly what you want and are committed to getting it. You need to know what you are doing and why you are doing it. Be clear about your underlying motives and intentions.

The Magician is also a Tarot card of deep concentration on a specific task or activity. You need to be focused on a single goal or purpose at this time and you need to channel all of your energy, tools and resources towards this one goal. Commitment to the task is essential and as such, you will need to eliminate any distractions that will take your focus away from what you want to achieve.

The Magician shows that you are doing a great job at pulling together all of the skills, resources and tools that are available to you in order to bring about an outcome that suits you. You are keeping a very pragmatic head about you and you are trying to remain as objective and ‘can-do’ as possible, even if you are worried on the inside. Keep this up as it will help you to create as much success as possible. Keep thinking about what other skills and resources you can use and keep focused on the task at hand.”

I feel like this card is speaking directly to me. Since the new year, I’ve felt new. I’m trying to take control of my life and my thoughts and my actions. Previously, I was living in a prison of other people’s, while constantly worrying how the present was going to affect my future and in the process literally never living in the moment. Getting rid of Facebook has helped center my mind’s focus back onto me and now I don’t have an easy feed to get lost in for a few hours. I’ve made a conscious decision to not pull out my phone when I have a spare minute and instead study the room around me, the sound of the wind, the sound of people, the sound of existence. I’ve started taking one day at a time. I think that’s the most important thing is that I’ve started literally taking one day at a time. I think about the day as a whole, rather than “I can do this tomorrow” or “Last night I should’ve done this!” etc. I’ve done a small bit of yoga the past two mornings to wake up, and stretch, and get in tune with myself. I’ve stopped making art a task and it’s become a hobby again. I’ve accepted who I am in this moment. Learning French and taking 30 minutes a day to do a few rounds has been helpful at giving me something to work on when I need “busy” work. I haven’t been smoking as much as I used to- it’s now for fun and not really a distraction tool anymore. The Magician seems like a card that knows I’m knee deep into this personal transformation. Like, it may not seem like much on the outside, but it’s extremely internal. It honestly started with me needing to get a hold of my intrusive thoughts and my mind and I feel healthier and more in tune. My goal is to keep this up as long as possible. I know how I’m feeling and it’s good. I also know how bad it feels to be locked in your own brain and although it still happens, it’s all a work in progress and I just need to keep moving forward.  Scott and I have talked with his parents who have offered to let me move in there with them, giving Scott and I some decent space to ourselves. I feel like that is also a move in the right direction. As I’m trying to enjoy the moment more and I’m seeing things without the rose tinted glasses of the internet facade, I’m recognizing what my purpose is. I’m understanding who my friends are and who I’m connected to. I did go through my Instagram and saw which people have unfollowed me over the years and that was a bummer, but more of a relief. Obviously these people are not good, positive beings in my life and it’s better to move on than wallow in wanting their attention.  My need for popularity and success paired with violent, intrusive thoughts from my past have really started holding me tight. I’m glad to be loosening the grip.  I’ve been working on a new series of art - and when I say working, I mean primed a few canvases, set up a single still-life and sketched a piece out - that I feel really good about. I have so much pressure around art. Going to a good school for Illustration made me feel like a failure that I was not getting anywhere with it and I didn’t feel good about making anything, etc. I see people I used to know really going places with their work and I became envious. I’m excited to get rid of my past pressures and just work on a project that is for me. I’ve been reading a few different books about OCD and intrusive obsessions because stopping your compulsions is one thing - you know the action you want to do, you know why you want to do it, and you do not do it - but obsessive thoughts are like, how do you out think your thoughts when they are forceful and acting on their own? They aren’t your thoughts anymore - they’re bugs swarming around your face and landing on your skin and making you more, and more uncomfortable in the place you’re sitting and even when you try and move, they follow and you just succumb to the fire because you cannot swat them for life. My rumination has diminished but my “spikes” have become more consistent. Like, I no longer sit and think about WHY I’m thinking about it. I think figuring out that I have OCD has helped this a lot, I’m no longer consumed with the idea I could be a sociopath or that I want to do x, y and z. I’m not thinking about WHY I’m thinking about it anymore, I’m just thinking about it CONSTANTLY. Like, an image will appear in my mind - a distressing image that is directly connected to my deepest fears- and I’ll try and push it away but it keeps forcing itself to the front of my mind and I can feel my nerves tense and my face distort and a tic occur to try and vanish this thought but it’s there and it keeps coming and this could cycle through for an hour or so - Or over the course of a few hours, maybe a day? I could be completely fine and the moment I become “too there” and realize that my mind is blank or that what I’m focusing on isn’t holding my attention as well, like going through my Facebook newsfeed and reading things I don’t actually care about but I should know what my “friends” are saying and I Should be responding and I Should be involved but I’m not actually because I’m sitting alone in an office somewhere along the water, etc. and it’ll just take over me. It can tell when my brain has a break and it’ll just seep in and infect, then I’m gone. It could happen any time, it does not discriminate.  That being said, it can be triggered. While it waits for my tired, stressed brain to sit down for a minute, if something were to happen - like someone was chopping a cucumber, or someone handed me a piece of paper - my mind will spiral down. Paper, knives, anything with a clean edge. Serrated knives are okay and I actually try and push the idea of serrated knives into my brain when I get all focused on smooth edges. But yeah, my new art project is a form of Exposure and Response Therapy. While I'm not ruminating for hours, I still have small rituals that need to be broken and in doing so, I’m hoping will ease the forcefulness of my “spikes”. I’m taking a break from the things I used to draw and I’m enjoying a new focus and a new intention.  I feel like I just went on and on, and I did, but I guess I just really needed to say it all. I’m looking forward to progress and I say that whenever I’m feeling good and then bad days come around and I’m back at the bottom, but seriously: I’m looking forward to progress because I feel good. I’m not in control yet, but I’m recognizing the decisions I’m making that are contributing to my progress and I’m going to keep working towards it.  Instead of saying “I don’t want to be me” and continuing down the same paths, I’m going to be the person I want to be. Healthy, happy, and okay.