#i guess its just because of my particular anatomy

[tr1ppykay]

1 week post OP -> 2 weeks post OP

seeing the healing happen slowly each day is really surreal. a lot of the stiffness and skin tightness is already clearing up. i'm not wearing the binder because i'm lucky and don't have much swelling or fluid buildup, just tape on the incisions and aquaphor + bandages over the nipple grafts

the nerve regeneration is pretty painful, but only for a few seconds at a time. it feels kind of like spasm or a pinching sensation, with a surge of what i can only compare to a static electricity shock. it sucks but im being optimistic and taking it as a good sign that i'll get sensation back :)

[llitchilitchi]

tentacles/vines

11/10 underrepresented kink

[jesuistrestriste]

The other posts before just kink shaming people. Calling people weirdos and creeps and that the authorities should be called and some how writing men squirting, "because its not biologically possible" is in the same category as well like damn have abit of whimsy

helloo !

so i guess a user who follows me, or used to follow me, is posting on their acc snippets of my work and talking about how im weird and gross (as well as some other unspecified challengers writers) bc i wrote about ‘puppy’ stuff and ‘men squirting’. they blurred out my user but my writing was directly referenced.

they basically likened the puppy play stuff to sexualizing real animals, and said that it was also creepy to write about men squirting bc it’s not ‘biologically possible’

i don’t wanna make this into a big deal, bc it’s genuinely not, but i’m responding to it to hopefully give this individual some clarification and also to defend the users who actually enjoy this type of kink content (bc i do too)

so. first of all — puppy play. i, for one, in the particular drabble they screenshotted, do not have the reader treating art like an actual dog. the reader only calls art ‘puppy’ and he is submissive. those are literally the only two things involved that are similar to puppy play. however, many people enjoy/write about other more direct aspects of puppy play, like collaring and leashing and etc, and that does NOT mean they like sexualizing real animals. it is NOT bestiality. i’m going to assume that the user in question who likened it to bestiality is not informed on what puppy play actually is/represents, and just took the concept of calling someone ‘puppy’ = sexualizing dogs and ran with it. that’s definitely not what it is, and i certainly was not writing it that way. for many, puppy play is simply about the power dynamics of it all. do i enjoy puppy play in its entirety? no, not really (i like certain bits and pieces), but i respect those who do. it also goes without saying that i do not advocate for or support the sexualization of real animals in any way shape or form ..? that’s disgusting.

— more info below the cut —

second of all — squirting. men squirting is possible, just the same as how women squirting is possible. if you don’t believe me, look it up on pornhub lol; it’s definitely possible. to my knowledge, the anatomical/bodily processes that allow someone to squirt are the exact same ones involved in. well. peeing. like. if you can pee, you have the anatomy necessary to be able to squirt. i’m mid-writing this and i can’t believe im talking in depth about what squirting is and how it works. help. but yea, is squirting = pee ? no. no, it’s not (controversial lol). but even if it was, some people are into that. no need to yuck someone else’s yum. you’re entitled to your opinion though. if you don’t enjoy it/understand it and think it’s ‘creepy’, that’s cool too ! idc—it’s your life! do what you want !

third of all — i read their post and they also talked about how it’s weird to write about puppy!stuff because some users (i don’t know if they were talking about me in this instance or just some writers on challengers tumblr in general) are writing about ‘real men’ and that these men should be ‘calling the authorities’. i know for me, im not writing about mike faist in a puppy play context. im writing about art donaldson. a fictional man. and i promise you, art donaldson will not be reading my stuff. and for that matter, neither will mike faist. that man wants nothing to do with social media, let alone tumblr (rip to his tumblr era though).

bottom line, kink shaming is not cool. it’s not fun, it’s not kind, it’s not cute, it’s not very demure.

some people use kinks as an escape from harsh aspects of their reality like past trauma, etc. or to process those traumas. that being said, you are 1000% allowed to not like something. that is your business ! but posting about someone’s work and making grotesque claims about their character and what they stand for based on smut writing is very odd. i do not appreciate it !

i am in no way trying to attack/hate on the person who made the posts, but i think it’s important to try to address stuff like this and educate those who may be confused or misinterpreting. to the user who made the posts: i hope you have a good day, and i hope this clears things up ! if you see this and want to talk more about it, my dms are open. all love.

UPDATE: i was just informed that the user in question used to write for (tw) school shooters and apparently cleared all evidence of it from their account except for some lingering tags.

i take it all back ! ! as someone who has experienced the effects of a school shooting + has been in a uni community targeted and affected by an act of gun violence, that is absolutely disgusting, and you can rot ! seek therapy ! :)

[maniculum]

Bestiaryposting Results: Almlaeni

Here are the results for this week's bestiaryposting; as always, anyone who doesn't know what that's about can see all previous posts here: https://maniculum.tumblr.com/bestiaryposting.

This one, I think, really illustrated to me how differently one perceives these entries when one knows what animal is being described. There was a particular detail in this week's entry that I thought was an absolute dead giveaway as to the identity of the animal, but most of the commentary I've seen from the artists indicates that they didn't see it as obvious, which was a relief -- I think the harder it is to guess, the more fun this whole thing is. (Yes, you're not supposed to try and guess it at all, but on the more obvious ones like the Gligglae I see a lot of comments along the lines of "I'm pretty sure I know what this is", so there are indicators whether people know.) It probably helps that it was a longer entry, so there's a lot going on. I just think it's worth noting because of the conversation recently going around regarding what's obvious to the author vs. what's obvious to the reader.

The entry we're working from can be found here:

Art is below the cut in roughly chronological order.

@silverhart-makes-art (link to post here) started with the thought that an example of an animal with strong jaws is an ant. But given the description of manes and fur, this is probably a mammal, so we get an "ant-lion" that they describe as looking "like he should be an alien pet in a sci-fi movie or game", which I think is spot-on. Good design for a weird alien pet. I really like the execution of the "ant's head but mammalian" concept, and the coloring of the mane looks really cool. Some more detail on design decisions can be found in the linked post.

@sweetlyfez (link to post here) does note that she thinks she knows what this animal is -- but, in the spirit of the thing, intentionally avoided drawing that -- so we'll have to see how identifiable it is at the end of this post. She's also provided her own alt text, thanks for that. I find this design really charming -- the blend of porcine and feline makes for a good silhouette in my opinion, the pose looks cool, and the rainbow mane is quite pretty. I particularly like that the tuft of hair the entry says is a love charm is drawn to resemble a heart.

@cheapsweets (link to post here) has drawn a rather frightening-looking beast, here shown nipping its own paw after accidentally stepping on a twig. (They also provided alt text, thank you.) There's a lot of interesting design choices here -- explained in some detail in the linked post, check that out. We can see a stocky, muscular head and chest, showing that this animal has the strength in its jaws and chest mentioned by the entry, paired with kangaroo-like legs and tail to give it the leaping capabilities mentioned. Also, this picture shows an Ethiopian Almlaeni in summer, which is why it is bald except for a bit of fur on its mane and tail. The shining eyes, I think, are what really gives this animal an unsettling appearance.

Cheapsweets also would like to note that they're "on the lookout for some good resources for animal anatomy and musculature", so if anyone has any suggestions, please send those their way!

@pomrania (link to post here) has given us this creature that is very much A Mammal but it's hard to pin down anything more specific than that -- it makes me think of the sort of old engravings that archaeologists just kind of give up on categorizing as specific animals and end up just calling them something like "the [culture/location] Beast". It's kind of feline, kind of equine, and it has what Pomrania (accurately) characterizes as a greyhound-like build. This impression is aided by the pose and the line work -- I don't know, there's just something about it that makes me think "this should be on the wall of an old tomb somewhere." I like the vibe, is what I'm saying. Very good beast.

@coolest-capybara (link to post here) has selected a couple of the elements in the description that stand out and taken them to their most dramatic interpretation. The Almlaeni can jump in such a way that it seems to fly, and it can live on the wind -- what if it has bat-like wings it can glide on? (Someone else noted "live on the wind" as possibly suggesting flight depending on how you interpret the ambiguity of the phrase, but discarded the idea; here we're running with it.) The result is quite a fearsome beast; that face is downright scary. We can also see here sensory organs adapted to hunting at night, and strength concentrated in the front of its body (which probably helps with those wings). And of course the stylization is excellent as always -- the linework is very convincingly medieval and I swear I've seen illuminations with that exact style of starry background. The linked post describes the design decisions in a bit more detail. (Also thank you for providing your own alt text.)

@strixcattus (link to post here) put this up after I drafted the rest of this post, and from the text of their post I think they guessed the nature of the animal, so take all references to it being more difficult to identify than I thought with a grain of salt. They also describe it as "a little freak (affectionate)" which is definitely an accurate description of the creature they've drawn. I really like the combination of different types of animal you can see here. The pose comes from a pretty reasonable interpretation of a couple points in the original entry: they can leap really well, but most of their strength is in the front half of their body. Therefore, obviously, they must use their front legs to jump and to propel themselves for rapid motion. Excellent direction to take that, I think. As usual, I strongly recommend clicking that above link and seeing the details Strixcattus writes up for their beasts.

And now, the Aberdeen Bestiary version.

As you can probably gather from this image, this week's animal is the wolf. And I think it's an interesting peek into the medieval imagination to see how fierce that wolf looks. The shaggy fur, the fangs, the eyes -- it's striking. That looks like a fairy-tale illustrator decided to draw the Big Bad Wolf in such a way as to frighten children. All the best wishes to our heroic little dog up there.

I also like the interestingly-symbolic depiction of the sheepfold: it kind of looks like our sleeping shepherd keeps his flock in a TARDIS. And, of course, look at that lovely Stylized Tree in the background.

So yeah, it was the bit about them sneaking up on sheepfolds that I thought made it Too Obvious that the Almlaeni was a wolf. Glad that didn't turn out to be as much of a tip-off as I thought.

As for the Ethiopian wolves mentioned: damned if I know what they were thinking of. Jackals and African wild dogs can be pretty colorful, so there might be something there, but I wouldn't describe them as having manes. My best guess is that the original animal being described was a black-backed jackal, but it's hard to be sure what, if anything, the grain of truth is here. (There is an animal we call the "Ethiopian wolf", but it looks more like a coyote than anything, so I'm not seeing the "colorful mane" thing.)

The thing about this is that medieval authors were very much ignorant of that part of the world. "Ethiopia" to them was much like "India" -- to the modern ear, those are countries we're aware of with a defined location, and we can go read about them if we want. To medieval Europeans, both were just kind of vague geographical blobs: they knew these places existed because they heard about them from classical sources and/or from trading partners, but there was virtually no direct contact or reliable information. These were distant and mysterious lands to them, and as a result they were willing to believe just about anything regarding what those places were like. (Also, if you see "Ethiopia" in a medieval text, don't necessarily think the region we now call by that name -- it tends to just be an umbrella term for "sub-Saharan Africa".) So, leaping maned wolves? May or may not be based on anything real, and if it was, it's been Telephoned to death by this point.

[quirkwizard]

The most annoying aspect is why didn’t AFO just give Tomura Overhaul? He could still kill his family by the surprise factor and turning his family to paste and would be more stronger and versatile for future plans. Like have Garaki teach anatomy to Tomura to master overhaul if it requires knowledge or heal up AFO after his fight with all might since Tomura is completely loyal. Plus it would make crime so much easier like overhauling walls to break in and out with no sign of damage or kill/torture someone over and over and not leave fingerprints, heal wounds since Tomura complained about no having a healer in the party. My only guess is that Decay would ensure the family dies. Honestly it feels like Hori knew people suspected that Decay was given, so he tried to add a surprise twist by having be from Overhaul but just ended up raising more questions.

AFO had access to Overclock and Overhaul and didn't keep either of these quirks, or at least a copy of them. These two alone would make for an extremely broken combo. That, imo, is just complete dumbassery on AFO's part.

Its still weird that AFO didn't have a copy of Overhaul because Garaki could make artificial copies of quirks starting with the AFO quirk itself. If Garaki had the quirk him he could have easily fixed and improved AFO after his fight with All-Might

I have a particular question regarding Kotaro Shimura. We know that he and Nana had a rough time after the death of the father and force to let go his son to being raise from foster family. Why didn't All For One track him and brainwashing him to thinking that his mother abandoned him? Why target Tenko, his son to be his successor?

I've already talked about the flaws of him taking "Overclock", that it's an extremely skill reliant power that needed a dedicated user to make the most of, so I'll just talk about everything else here.

I think you are overestimating how much "Overhaul" would by of use to All For One. Yes, I did say that All For One would benefit from "Overhaul" and I stand by that. However, that is my assumption that "Overhaul" is super easy to use. if I were to play devil's advocate, I could put forward "Overhaul" is a lot more complicated then it appears. It's only as strong as it is since Kai is equal parts competent and experienced enough to make the most of the power. This can be further supported if you go with the idea that "Overhaul" was a deviation, which are infamous for being dangerous and unwieldy for even trained users. Whether or not any of this was Hori's intention is unclear, at least to me. What I can say for certain is that "Overhaul" could not heal All For One. While "Overhaul" can fix injuries, it can't reserve damage. If anything is missing or too far gone, Kai can't fix it. It's why Eri is still scared from all the experiments that Kai did on her. The damage that All For One took is far more extensive then that, to the point that not even "Super Regeneration" could fix it. It's why we don't see it healed until he took the Rewind Drug. He needed something that potent to put his body back together.

While "Overhaul" is certainly a more practical power, there were multiple reasons "Decay" was given to Tomura. It prevented Tomura from being able to heal his family. "Overhaul" is meant to reverse any of the damage done, potentially giving Tomura an out from whatever destruction he caused. "Decay" is only meant for destruction. Second is that All For One didn't want Tomura to be too capable. You need to remember that All For One didn't want a true successor. What he wanted was a vessel that he could eventually take control over. For that, he needed Tomura to hate and for that hate to be strong. So he gave him a power that was a constant problem, risking destroying whatever he touched and was only applicable in destruction, further pushing his destructive nature. "Overhaul" would have been too useful to really work with that. Finally, it helped keep Tomura under All For One's wing. It made him easier to direct and influence. We see this all the way when they first interact. It's why he didn't use Kotaro. Going by the flashbacks, Kotaro was a full adult. It could have been that All For One had only just found him and decided to reoriented his successor plan to use Nana's family, engineering the whole scenario to make the successor he wanted.

[chimeride]

how do you avoid making a creature that's too similar to another?

Excellant question, because it’s a perfect occasion for me to discuss about diversity, a central theme in this serie, and how to illustrate it !!

The first method is creature design in its purest form : what does my creature looks like ? And then breakdown every aspect of what makes a monster. For anatomy i see 2 main parameters :

architecture : how many limbs ? heads ? and where to put them ? For example you can see “gryphons” as a kind of structure, with 4 legs, 2 wings and a beak (roughly) and play around with this structure

proportions : the same chimera with different proportions makes very different monsters ! You can play with the head/body ratio, make some limbs vestigial, or big wingspan to make them impressive, etc. For chimeras, this is the main difference between drawing and taxidermy !

Another aspect for my case with chimeras is which species i’m using. Unless i have a precise idea in mind i always make some quick research :

for example if i need a flamingo i check all the different kinds of flamingoes on wikipedia ; sometimes i go back up the phylogenic trees to see similar animals but slightly different

if i’m illustrating a monster from a precise geographic location i try to look for local species too, to make it more consistent

sometimes the design is based around a particular specie of animal i find interesting

i guess it goes with species, but you can obviously change patterns (on fur, wings etc) or colors (not my problem tho).

For example, lately i’m drawing Lemures where i combine bodies of lemurs with heads of larvae : the architecture is always the same but the possibilities are endless !

Second method is more concept-driven :

it’s how can i challenge definitions and concepts (whats is a dragon ?? seriously ???), try to explore it and cover all the range of the definitions and push them at their limits (ok now i have no idea what a dragon is anymore)

it can also start with a theme (what if i combine all the animals behind the symbols of the Seven Deadly Sins to make a chimeric representation?? what if that beach i went once 2 years ago were full of creatures ???), and it could be something very abstract (what if that music is actually about a monster ??)

you can also mix concepts together (metachimeras) !!

I also start from prompts (through asks, challenges and shittycryptids, mostly), because there are many ways to interprete them : sometimes i try to channel different inspirations by previous interpretations into one design, sometimes i just give what people wanted to see, but i have more fun when i respond exactly to the prompt in the most unpredictable way.

All of these methods bring a lot of diversity, and i will never run out of ideas ! The possibilities for chimeras are endless, and these are some methods i’ve got to find them. If you have other methods please share them !! And if you are interested by the methodologic aspect, i’ve done a masterpost that explain the tags for different categories and links to check the chimeras behind.

And also, most importantly maybe, but i try to leave some space for intuition : if something works or comes in my mind and it looks good i just go with it ! I always have a sketchbook for when i’ve got random ideas coming to me. Intellectualizing the process is fun, but creation isnt only about methodology.

[ninjapaste]

dude your art is so GOOD!!! Do you take any classes or have any tips to share? that resource post you reblogged the other day was helpful but i've felt so stuck in my art. I don't know if you have anything u learned that just made something click for u or anything like that?

Tysm anon!!!👍

In terms of your questions, I apologise i advance for the long answer im about to give and possibly things you already know haha:

I guess in terms of what classes i take, Ive gone from GCSE to A level Art and design (Fine art), and both courses have helped me to learn the importance of observation studies.

However, its moreso all the art i practice in my own time that has played the biggest part in my art improvement journey. I adopted art as a big hobby around 2018, and really ever since then I tend to draw/create for myself every day, however big or small it may be.

I guess my first tip would be to indulge in a 'sketchbook' or space to work in freely, it could be any form but the importance is that its personal and can be picked up whenever. I find that having a sketchbook to draw in has really helped with productivity and creating new ideas. I think you can go into a sketchbook space with any mindset and it can work wonders, like for example if you wanted to focus purely on challenging yourself, you can do that! If you just, want to doodle without thinking, go ahead! After all, its a sketchbook for you and nobody else, so go wild!

My next tip would definitely be, when you are feeling stuck in art, to take inspiration from a wide range of different things be it in real life or on the internet, a building or a really cool tree, since I find it defintiely fuels the creation of new ideas/concepts that can provide a path out of that creative rut. I guess to an extent there may always be periods where you have that 'I have no idea what to draw!' Feeling, and thats okay! Sometimes its refreshing that helps the most. But I often see that the solution to being in a rut is usually REFERENCING, wether it be trying to accurately draw the anatomy of an arm or if I just saw a cool design/pose/style on Pinterest and i drew a bunch of wacky characters from it. In fact, I find that places like Pinterest or Resplash are such good resources to hone imagination and generally most art skills by looking at and drawinf from all the cool images (and get some of that inspo!). And if im not using Pinterest, im usually using an art book as reference! (The itsv and splatoon art book helped me so so much lol)

On the topic of REFERENCING, its mega important! Depending on imagination/memory feels pretty good at times but its always beneficial to have image references in your process when you find its good to have them. I woudl always recommend having a reference when drawing poses/expressions/anatomy because the more you use them, the more you learn about how an object like a face muscle, a torso or even light behaves and looks and the easier it is to draw/depict them.

The next tip is uh YOUTUBE, or any account/person who's art inspires you in particular. I found that certain channels like Ethan Becker, Marc Brunet, Marco Bucci and more have helped me the most to gain confidence in drawing and learning how to practice it better. Of course, theres a lot to learn from a plethora of other channels too, even ones that dont specifically promote themselves as teachers! Also, if theres a certain style/art approach or an artist that appeals to you, study it in any way you like! Analyse an artist's work or ask/find out about their personal process (or even watch a speedpaint/art stream)! Sometimes it can be a big inspiration booster and skill boost to do just that (plus the 'artist' could be any piece of media/thing too!! Like a game or something).

Ok ok last paragraph haha, on the topic of your last question. Thinking back, its hard for me to define any specific moment or thing that gave me a 'click' moment. Its more like a process of growth that starts with learning and understanding a new thing, then familiarizing myself with using it successfully/'correctly' by studying and practicing, so that eventually its like muscle memory or easier to use in my work.

Hope this helps!!! If theres anything else you want to ask, dont be afraid to dm or send another ask!!

[amunyan]

"Ah... yes... Yes," you moan softly, your hands clawing harder into the blanket. "That's the spot."

A satisfied grin flits across Mereoleona's lips as she buries her fingers deeper into your skin, applying more pressure. Making you sigh louder.

"You sit at your desk too much, sweetheart. No wonder you're so tense. This is where it hurts, isn't it?" Her fingers press on a particular spot on your back and you let out an abrupt yelp.

"Ow... Yeah, right there."

You grasp one of the pillows in pain, but your lover takes it away from you immediately. She orders you to lie flat on the bed while she massages the tension out of your body. At the crack of dawn. But only because you made a very unfortunate turn in the early hours of the morning when you came back from the bathroom and wanted to crawl into bed again.

As well as being a personal trainer in a gym and teaching martial arts on the side, Mereo is also very good with her hands and knew more than a thing or two about anatomy. She knows exactly where to touch to put an end to your back pain. And you just lay there and let it happen to you. 

But with a glance at her alarm clock, Mereoleona stops.

"Looks like we have to continue when I get home. Will we see each other in training?"

"I don't know. I have to get my other stuff from my apartment... And a lot of work..." You sigh deeply and sit up in bed.

"I see... So I guess we'll see each other in the evening?"

"Definitely." With a blissful expression on your face, you accompany her to the door, she says goodbye, tells you that you can always help yourself to the fridge and her other supplies, and boldly plants a kiss on your lips, so that you can start the day with a stupid loved-runk smile on your face.

Home office was the order of the day today. For once, or you won't be able to complete all your duties for the day...

With a fresh cup of coffee in hand, you open your laptop and join the morning meeting online. Only to get a proper verbal spanking from your boss right at the start. Firstly because of yesterday's incident, and secondly because you're not at the office. He doesn't accept your justification that he authorised it yesterday at short notice and that others do it regularly - especially him - which is why the whole meeting is always online and you could do your work from home.

"Looks like this guy is having another really, really bad day. This could be fun..."

But Marx, who had asked for a postponement because of your mistake, also got his punishment in front of the whole office.

All attempts by your colleagues to defend you and him, or to offer help, are stifled.

"Really a hell of a working atmosphere again. Literally. Getting scolded for the stupid spreadsheets and for working from home. But the guy himself spends half the day sitting in cafeshops doing nothing. And his stupid mistresses too - otherwise Marx and I wouldn't have any problems working through the lists, which are kept like cabbages and turnips. But who gets the blame? Marx and I, of course," you mutter to yourself. "What an idiot! If I were the boss, I would have called those wives back from their holidays and made them do the work. Let the three of them choke on vanilla crescents! On top of that, he wants to deduct the keybord I drowned in my coffee yesterday from my wages! Understandable, but he didn't have to say it in front of everyone."

After all that trouble, you need a second coffee. So you get up, wobble around the counter, put your cup under the machine and switch it on. Only to be reminded by its rattling that this little machine is a very clean thing. It started the rinse cycle and you, not wanting to get a new cup, by getting your current one dirty, reach out for your mug. But that's when the clumsiness kicks in again. You can't get a good grip on it. The mug slips from your hand and falls clattering to the floor.

"Well done," you congratulate yourself, rolling your eyes. "That wasn't the plan."

The coffee machine clatters approvingly in the background as you pick up the pieces.

Mereolena wouldn't make much of deal becouse of a plane white cup. Or even get angry. But you still have your guilty conscience. And a flash of inspiration.

"Hah! That's it! I'll give her nice cups in a partner look."

For a moment, you think it's the best idea ever. But only until you give it a second thought. Then your mobile phone starts ringing in protest.

"Or not," you have to admit to yourself.

You get up and reach for your phone to answer the call. Yami is there.

"Hey, are you all right?"

"Do you want a serious answer or should I say that everything is fine?" You wrinkle your forehead.

"A serious one - otherwise I wouldn't have called." Your friend sounds unusually serious that day. "I heard about what happened from Vanessa and Finral."

You vaguely know that Yami and Finral live in the same apartment complex. A new neighbourhood that the city had built a few years ago, but for the money they charged for the flats, they could not get rid of them. In fact, it had fallen into disrepair before the city finally gave in. What you did not know was that Yami and Finral were already more or less neighbours, and that the poor Finral was often allowed to play Yami's chauffeur when he overdid it with his forays into the city's bars. So they knew each other quite well.

"Vanessa told us her misery over one or two six-packs of beer. And that you wanted to go to another friend of yours. So I thought I would call and check if you are all right. Having to move out is a big shit. You ended up in Charmy's place, right?"

"Yes, it's really shit! But no, I wanted to go to Charmy's, but since she didn't answer her phone yesterday - and I panicked so much that I forgot that the CC also has a phone - I'm not at her place. In fact; Mereoleona took me with her after training..."

"I see," Yami laughs loudly on the other line. "The scary witch kidnapped you. And I was worried about you and wanted to cheer you up."

 "Excuse me?!? Mereo is not scary! She is sweet and gentle - she just has her own way of showing it! And just because I am with her now, does not mean that all my problems have been magically solved!"

"You've always been into weird stuff. But to each their own. "He laughs again.

 "Are you done now?" You grimace in offence.

"Sorry. But listen - the reason I called was to ask if you were free tomorrow. I know - bad timing, but I need you. I still don't have a present for Charlotte and I'm as helpless as ever. I could get you your favourite coffee - maybe a gingerbread latte or some of those crazy flavoured fancy things you like - you complain to me about all your other problems and we can have a nice day at the mall. How does that sound?"

"Except for the fact that the gingerbread latte might be the cause for one of my other problems; perfect!"

[alpinezro]

hi... I HOPE THIS IS ALRIGHT TO ASK but ive admired how you render for a long time and you mentioned a while back in a post that you'd studied light particles n how they work and i have been. deathly curious as to how you went about doing that... drawing from reference and doing studies of course, but was there any particular way you went about it? i hope this finds you well. anyways . sorry ! thank you for your time

no need to apologize, and thank you so much for asking! not sure i can provide the best explanation, but most of what i learned was off of youtube and some blog-ish websites. this probably wont make any sense at all but ill try my best.

The Anatomy of Shadows

a big part of it was learning the anatomy of shadows, specifically the terminator and different varieties. heres a diagram,

terminators are just where the light and shadow meet. you always want to be able to tell where the terminator starts and ends!!! be CONFIDENT and BOLD with them!!!! they communicate so much information about structure

more on the different types of terminators/shadows. the ones i most use are cast and body.

a great example of these is the rembrandt triangle, composed of the shadow cast by the nose (cast shadow) and the shadow of the cheek (body shadow). body shadows are so so aewsome because they represents changes in planes. cast shadows r just kinda there. but i think they get softer the further away from the object they are since the light particles wiggle their way underneath and create reflection/ambient light

Ambient Occlusion and Light

SPEAKING OF WHICH!!! ambient light is basically just, the light particles that are bouncing around in a scene. imagine you're at the beach and its a really cloudy day, the shadows arent gonna be dramatic like they would if you were in a dark room with one light source.

youd think that we're kinda like. enveloped in light by default but no, we're pretty much always in shadow. shadows are the normal part. light is a strange freak that broke into your house and fucked everything up.

more about ambient occlusion. ambient occlusion just occurs when objects get close together and light cant wiggle its way in, as stated earlier. heres a shitty example. AO is key to realism.

this guy explains it better than i ever could

Lighting Focus or Whatever the Fawk its Called I Forgot But There's Definitely a Scientific/Cinematic Term For This

another thing. level of detail in shadows is gonna be way different than in light and vice versa. u know when u spend a bunch of time outside and u go inside and its just solid black for a few seconds? its a similar idea here, ur eyes are so focused on the lit area they dont even give a shit abt the shadows.

because of this, i try to keep shaded areas blurred. a lot of detail is implied, just let the viewers mind fill in the blanks.

last but not least,

Subsurface Scattering (on the skin, at least)

can i be so honest with you for a second??? i dont actually know what this means, like in depth. im sure this has something to do with light penetrating through semi-transparent skincells and illuminating blood,, but i cant be sure. thats just an educated guess. past oakley is always smarter than present oakley for some reason.

i usually combine it with reflected light to create a more cohesive look. burt like... yeah... theres plenty of people who can explain this better than me

ok thast all i hope this helped at least a little!!!!! LOTS of youtube videos. lots of visualizing silly little particles bouncing around. i probably forgot some stuff.

this video is realy good

[logicpng]

For artist ask game: 3, 10, and 13

3. What are your favorite subjects to draw? (OCs, your fan faves, etc.)

nonhuman humanoids mostly. most favorites i end up with are beings with human-like body with a nonhuman head that don't require much accuracy with human anatomy. so, objectheads, tv-heads, robots, what have you. Aster and DCA fit the type perfectly too! sorry urs.......

10. How do you deal with art block?

either i play with the brush settings, get new brush sets entirely, or i just change around the colors i sketch with or background image/color! it's a very small thing but i think it minimized artblocks. this year also pose/anatomy studies saved my ass because i got dissatisfied with my skill level in particular

13. What kind of art do you personally not see the appeal of, and why?

i guess if the (apparent) intent is solely to be a cashgrab or to offend someone it loses appeal to me no matter its medium. any media has its fans but if to me if it seems to lack the Soul behind the creation it's egh. what is a cashgrab and what isn't is subjective in some instances but that's the clearest example i can think of? otherwise any art is good and i can at least see the appeal even if it fails to grab me by the throat

[mystery-moose]

EYO THE OSCAR NOMS ARE OUT

Let’s discuss!

BEST PICTURE: I've seen four of the ten nominees this year! Not a bad score for me. Of the remainder I am very interested in American Fiction, Anatomy of a Fall, and Past Lives. American Fiction in particular got Jeffrey Wright a Best Actor nomination! I love Jeffrey Wright! He deserves more recognition! Any film that can get him that has gotta be worth something.

Of the ones I’ve seen… I’d probably select Killers of the Flower Moon as the best? It’s a hard watch, but the craft on display at every level is exceptional. If not that, then… I dunno, maybe Barbie? The Holdovers is a safe choice, it’s a great movie, but there’s almost nothing… surprising about it. Barbie is CONSTANTLY surprising! But it’s also a madcap comedy bathed in metaphor so… man I don’t know!

Regardless, I wouldn’t pick Oppenheimer. Not to disrespect it, I genuinely believe it to be a very interesting film that’s compelling to watch, and as always Christopher Nolan’s ability to make weird-ass films with experimental structures popular with a mass audience is worthy of tremendous respect. But its pacing is rushed, its script is sometimes awkward to the point of parody, and I just don’t know that it’s saying or doing anything THAT interesting or enlightening about the real people involved or about people or history in general. Y’know?

BEST DIRECTOR: Nothing but Best Picture nominees here, which makes sense. Pretty blown away that Alexander Payne didn't get a nom here for The Holdovers. Not blown away at all that Greta Gerwig didn't get one for Barbie, despite that whole thing clearly being her baby. A real Streisand situation here, I'd say! "Eight nominations on the shelf, did this film direct itself?" Regardless of who wins (or even who I think deserves to!) I'd definitely say Gerwig got snubbed here.

BEST ACTOR: All best picture nominees here, save for Colman Domingo for Rustin. Had never heard of this film before, because it's a Netflix film and they always bury all their work, but it's about a civil rights activist so that makes... how many years that the Academy has included one of these in a Best Actor/Actress context? Selma, Harriet, Judas and the Black Messiah. I'm sure Colman Domingo gives a good performance, just noting that the Academy loves to nominate these for acting awards and not honor them in most any other way. (Hey, Jeffrey Wright's in that movie too! Good year for him!)

Bradley Cooper's here too. I don't think I like him very much! I've never disliked him really, but I've never loved his performance either. But the Academy seems to, since he's been nominated... TWELVE TIMES? Holy SHIT no wonder I wasn't surprised to see his name. Never won one, though. He keeps this up, maybe they'll throw him a pity one like they did for DiCaprio. Then again, I don't think Cooper assigns as much value to it as Leo did -- or at least, it doesn't feel like it. I care so little about Bradley Cooper! I don't follow his personal journey very closely! He's fine, I guess!

As a fan, I'd LOVE to see Jeffrey Wright take it, even though I haven't seen his movie. Of the ones I have, Cillian Murphy is very good in Oppenheimer, no question, but I've gotta give it to my man Paulie G. Dude is an incredibly talented actor with a non-traditional look who's done great work for decades and deserves a big win. He's fantastic in Holdovers too! It's a layered, funny, incredibly natural performance that he just falls into. Not particularly showy, which lowers his chances for a win, but to me (and most sensible folks) that makes it a better performance, so there, nyeh!

BEST ACTRESS: I haven't seen four of these but if they don't give it to Lily Gladstone they've fucked up. Sorry, other nominees, that's all there is to it. Also, where the fuck is Margot Robbie? She's incredible in Barbie! If I get to Supporting Actor and Ryan Gosling is there, this is misogyny.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: This is misogyny!! But I'd love for Gosling to win for this. It'd be his first, and for a role like this that'd be hilarious. That being said it's still a tremendous performance! His commitment to the role both on-screen and off is clear, he's having a ball throughout, and he does his own dancing! God, I just wanna see his speech.

That being said, he has some extremely stiff competition. De Niro continues his golden year renaissance with an excellent performance of a very evil man in Killers of the Flower Moon, and Downey Jr. is so good in Oppenheimer that it took me a couple minutes and a scene transition to realize it was him at all! Also Sterling K. Brown and Mark Ruffalo are here! I like both those guys! If I had to pick one that I've seen that isn't Gosling? Probably Downey Jr. If I gave Oppenheimer one award, it would be this one.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I like all these actresses, I think America Ferrera is very good in Barbie, and Jodie Foster has been doing great work lately, but this award belongs to Da'Vine Joy Randolph. She takes a character that could be one note in The Holdovers and invests them with so much life and complexity and history. I still think about that movie in part because of her, and because she made choices that made that character feel more authentic. It's maybe the most I've been impressed by an actress in a good long while, frankly! She deserves this one! Don't fuck it up, Academy! (but I know you will)

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: All Best Picture nominees, save for a movie called May December... because it's a Netflix film, of course. God, they sure do make a lot of award-worthy films I never ever hear about, huh! Wild how that happens! (Did you even know a new Spy Kids movie came out this year? Of course you didn't! It was on Netflix!)

I haven't seen four of these, but heard good things about Past Lives. I do really love The Holdovers though! Unless one of the others really knocks my socks off, I'd be comfortable with that winning here.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Oppenheimer does not deserve this. I'm sorry, maybe it's a failure of editing, but the pacing on this thing is too breakneck. Maybe that's a failure of editing more than screenplay, though. Then again, the dialogue itself is uh... often pretty blunt and borderline silly, in that Nolan sort of way! So, y'know!

I'd love to see Barbie win it. It's so fucking funny, and occasionally vibrating with pathos. But I haven't seen the others, and they might rule, actually! American Fiction might be great! I'm looking forward to finding out when it hits digital!

ANIMATED FEATURE: I still think we probably shouldn't cordon these off into their own category, but then so few would get nominated for anything, so let's just live in the world we have, huh? The Boy and the Heron is a Miyazaki film, so that automatically makes it a contender, though I've heard some mixed things about it. Nimona is a dark horse that I remember having some buzz around it earlier this year, and Robot Dreams is a sad movie about a robot so it's automatically a movie I vibe with! Elemental... exists! (Why in the hell was this nominated and not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem?! Why of all things did THAT get snubbed?!)

But we all know this belongs to Across the Spider-Verse. It might not be a complete narrative, but purely on visual spectacle alone, it should win. It is, without question, the wildest eyeball experience I've ever had watching a movie, finally dethroning the previous occupiers, the Wachowskis' Speed Racer and the animated film Redline. It is constantly visually surprising and experimental, to the point that much like its predecessor I don't know how they fucking did some of the stuff they did. It's not the out-of-nowhere immediate game-changer that its predecessor was, and it might not have the immediate influence on an entire genre in the same way... but I think it pushes the medium even further! I can't wait to see what other movies look like in the future because of it.

(also the production sounds like it was a nightmare, animators deserve more pay and more respect, unionize, etc.)

PRODUCTION DESIGN: I mean, of all the things about Napoleon, how it looked was the absolute best of them. I wouldn't be too upset if it won... except I would, because Barbie. I mean, come on. COME ON. This one's a gimme. (Though why is The Creator not here? I know it was a pretty bad movie, but the design? Absolutely impeccable vibes!)

COSTUME DESIGN: I mean. Barbie. Did you see Ken's outfits?

CINEMATOGRAPHY: This is my nerd-ass award I care about. I've liked Hoyte van Hoytema's work in the past, and if Oppenheimer won this I wouldn't think it a complete miscarriage of justice -- it's got some really great images in it. But to me this is Flower Moon's award to lose. I haven't seen the others, but I don't know that anything else is going to match that. It's not too showy, but it is pretty damn impeccable.

There are also movies that I think got snubbed here, like John Wick 4 (yes I'm serious) and Sisu (again, I'm serious) and The Killer. Heck, they didn't even nominate The Holdovers here, and that movie leans into its period setting by aping the cinematography of films from that period! That's neat!

EDITING: That Oppenheimer is here is more proof the Academy doesn't know what good editing is. I mean, if you isolated a couple scenes of that movie, there IS great editing there! And even structurally, I think it makes some bold choices that should be rewarded! But as a whole, I didn't feel like I had time to breathe during a scene, and most of that is down to Nolan always choosing to cut or transition too soon. Sometimes it's even a matter of seconds! But those seconds matter! They're the difference between me feeling like I'm moving through a room and feeling like I'm being hurried through a room, y'know what I mean?

I'd probably go with Flower Moon here, but Holdovers has a lovely, languid pace to it and some very funny cuts, so I'm leaning in that direction too. Haven't seen the others!

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING: How is Barbie not here?! What the hell kind of award show is this?! (A Bad one, we all know this.)

SOUND: (This used to be two awards, one for sound mixing and one for sound editing, and on a technical level those are two very different skills, but whatever, Academy!)

This is one I think that Oppenheimer will probably take, because it does some cool things with sound a few times. But it's also one that I think The Creator might actually deserve. Some really killer sound in that film, right up there with its production design -- which it should have gotten a nomination for! Also, Mission: Impossible dark horse, just to give it something. Because I love those movies, even if this year's was maybe my fourth-favorite Mission: Impossible movie that still makes it better than most movies!

VISUAL EFFECTS: It's kind of a long-shot, but I'm pulling for Godzilla Minus One here. Guardians looked good, The Creator looked good (it's about all it did) and I absolutely adore and respect the commitment to practical stunts and car chases and effects in Mission: Impossible and it should get all the recognition possible for throwing a real train off a real cliff... but c'mon. It's Godzilla. And by all accounts, it does so much with so little, at least in terms of budget. It's a movie directed by a guy who previously supervised visual effects! Of course it was gonna look good! That it looks that good at that budget though? Might be enough to get it the big win. Here's to hoping! It'd be nice to see a movie that cost about ten million dollars be recognized as having better visual effects than a movie that cost... two hundred and fifty million Jesus Christ what are you doing Disney.

ORIGINAL SCORE: Be neat to see Indiana Jones take this one! Good score, nice but not too reverent. But I don't have particularly strong feelings this like I have in previous ones. Don't remember many movie scores from this year, nothing's made it into my playlist beyond a couple Mission: Impossible tracks, certainly nothing's impressed me as much as something like The Batman's score or anything.

ORIGINAL SONG: Two songs from Barbie here, one from the Flamin' Hot Cheetos movie (yes it's real and yes it's historically inaccurate!) and one from... Killers of the Flower Moon. Uh oh. Uh oh! I was all ready to be ride or die for "I'm Just Ken" (and to be clear if it won I wouldn't object) but that song in Flower Moon and how it hits at the end... well. It should probably win, is what I'm saying. Even if it's not the fun choice. Be nice to see it performed, at least. These will all be great performances, probably!

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: I haven't seen any of these! I usually don't until at least year or two after the fact! Just how I end up watching documentaries, usually. It'll probably be the one about Ukraine, though. Not necessarily because it's the best one, but because the Academy likes to think that making picks like that is somehow activism. (Also can you believe that's still happening? Ukrainian sovereignty, end the war, etc.)

INTERNATIONAL FEATURE: Haven't seen any of these, but heard good things about Society of the Snow. Zone of Interest is a best picture nominee, so odds are that'll be the one that wins. Surprised a Japanese film got in here but it's not Godzilla! Damn! Was hoping for a dark horse win for Big G!

ANIMATED SHORT: Never seen 'em!

DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Most of the short documentaries I watch are on Youtube these days!

LIVE ACTION SHORT: Good for all these people who got nominated!

THAT'S IT hoo boy the Oscars, huh. This year's a bit of a dull one, nothing that I'm really excited about winning anything outside of like, Barbie. Killers of the Flower Moon definitely deserves a lot of awards, but how many it'll get remains to be seen. Also I just realized DiCaprio didn't score a nomination for his part in that! Just Lily Gladstone! Haha! Good! (Though I do think DiCaprio's work has improved noticeably after he finally got his stupid Oscar. Almost like he stopped trying so hard and that made his performances feel more natural! Wild!)

Anyway, next year I'm gonna be stumping hard for Dune 2 so. Be prepared for that.

[apoptoses]

WIP Wednesday!

I was tagged by @desertfangs to share an excerpt of a wip. I’m still in editing hell with my big project but I’ve teased everyone with enough of that, here’s something I was working on today to give my brain an editing break-

“Out of all of the dumb shit you’ve ever conned me into doing, this has to be the dumbest,” Daniel said as he flipped on the lights. “Why are we at an ob/gyn anyways?”

The fluorescent lights of the patient room flickered and then came to life. It wasn’t unlike any doctor’s office Daniel had ever been in, for the most part. Same canister of cotton swabs on the sink, same roll of paper covering the bed. Same sterile, medical smell of alcohol and industrial strength sanitizer in the air. The only difference was the posters on the wall, depicting the stages of pregnancy instead of the general anatomy Daniel was used to, and the ultrasound machine in the corner.

Daniel set his drink down on the counter. All that was left in it was ice, really. He’d finished the soda in it on the way over and now the cup was left to sweat by the sink while he watched Armand.

Armand examined the boxes of latex gloves mounted on the wall. Three different sizes, all in that particular shade of blue that reminded Daniel of the veins on the underside of Armand’s wrist.

“We’re here because I want to be,” Armand said.

Because I want to. That was his latest excuse for everything. As if Daniel were just some puppet he could dangle on its strings and dance from one weird and unhinged idea to the next.

Still, Daniel should have seen this one coming the night Armand came home with a stack of medical textbooks. He’d poured over the one about reading ultrasound images for hours. Daniel should have guessed there was only one place that could end up in; one with cold gel spread on his belly while Armand rolled the instrument over his skin and tried to see what he’d had for lunch that day.

 I think every writer I know has been tagged today, but if you haven’t then take this as your chance! ♥ Consider yourself tagged.

[justasightseer]

Just finished watching Seven Kings Must Die. My thoughts are a bit all over the place as I watched it over the course of 10 days but here are some of my thoughts/queries, in no particular order.

ALDHELM SHOULD BE BURIED IN MERCIA!I want the Mercian army and people to be able to celebrate and grieve him, and to be buried in the land that he loved so much!!! Also, it absolutely broke my heart to see him die, I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. Probably what pissed me off the most is that he didn't even get a quick or honourable death. Hanging is a slow and painful death and my sweet love didn't deserve that 😭. RIP my beloved, even though you gave your life for England, you will always be every breath a Mercian. 💜⚔️

"WHERE IS SIHTRIC's FAMILY???" I think the writers didn't want them killed in the attack because that would be too brutal BUT they'd already escaped the slaughter in Rumcofa so it would have been a bit too ridiculous to have them escape this as well. Thus, they cut them completely. Just my thoughts but I think this explains it completely.

Where are all the women in the show though? One of the strengths of TLK is its diverse, interesting and realistic female characters so it was really odd to not have any of our female faves around. I know that Eliza and Stephanie weren't available but it was very odd that we didn't even get a mention of Stiorra (who was pretty much a main character in S5) and we got one of Young Uhtred, who I'm glad is living his best life as a ✨scholar✨. Beocca would be proud (and Alfred skshjsajshh).

YOUNG RAGNAR IS IN VALHALLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care if they couldn't get the actor or it was a deliberate removal but my teddy bear Dane is IN VALHALLA ODINDAMMIT!!! Brida saw him in Valhalla when she was dying so he is in Valhalla. I will accept nothing else.

I have no interest in critically examining the movie at this time, for now it lives in my head and heart as the final installment of my favourite show which is perfect and flawless and amazing. However, the antagonists were really underwhelming in this, possibly because of the time crunch of a movie as opposed to a full series. Something I've always adored about TLK is the way the antagonists have never been villains (at least to me). I've always been able to understand their motives and empathize a little, even when I wasn't rooting for them. This is the first time in my memory that I skipped scenes whilst watching TLK reactions but I really couldn't being myself to listen to the bad guy in his scenes with the kings. Did not care about or for him in the slightest but he performed his role adequately, I guess.

No Alfred cameo like I'd hoped but tbh, I was too emotionally invested in the movie to care as much as I thought I would, which is a really good thing. Appreciated the cameo of his tomb though (the scene where Uhtred and Aethelstan fight in the Winchester Palace).

Is this Harry Gilby's first sex-implied scene? He's so young, I just wondered. Has nothing to do with anything, just a thought. Cool that it's on TLK, if it is.

As aggravating as Aethelstan was, I was quite hurt that his innocence was being taken advantage of, even though he was being more stupid than he really should have been. It's never been this bad in the House of Wessex that a leader has followed his heart (and other bits of his anatomy) with such blind fervour, but he also is the least emotionally-constipated so I guess it makes sense 🤷

Harry Gilby KILLED IT though. Boy can acttttttttt. Those puppy dog eyes nearly killed me lmaoo.

I was a MESS when I thought they'd killed Pyrlig, my heart almost gave out lmao. That being said, it's kind of disappointing that none of our faves died in that battle. I'm not complaining, but I lowkey am. I guess we didn't have time to grieve because it was a movie.

Alfweard AND Osbert were UNNECESSARILY HOT in this 😭😭. When I saw Alfweard with a decent haircut and a tiny bit of stubble, I was like okayyyyyyyyy. Looking very respectfully, but looking nonetheless 👀

I may or may not have been calling for Ingilmundr's castration during the final battle. Definitely cheered when Dane Spy Girl got hit, IMO she got off too lightly for what she did to my beloved Aldhelm.

"My most noble friend, Lord Aldhelm" This was so sweet 🥰😊😚

The scene where Sihtric and Finan meet Uhtred at Winchester and go up to hug him and SIHTRIC PUTS HIS FOREHEAD TO UHTRED'S gets me every single time. I'm going to miss these sweet men and their forehead touches so much 😭😭

I had a feeling Finan's wife was going to die because Arnas lowkey spoiled it, but I wasn't expecting the twist.

[scientesting]

“What’s that noise?”

“Hm?”

“There’s a noise coming from… inside of you. What is that?”

For a moment, Madison has an expression of genuine puzzlement on his face. It isn’t immediately obvious what Fourbit is referring to, and he feels the need to question for clarification.

“...Well, what does it sound like?”

Fourbit pauses, then narrows his eyes, his eyelids making a soft whirring sound as he does so. He is silent, his head held against Madison’s chest. Madison quirks his brow, subtly adjusting the arm that was wrapped around his partner.

“There are multiple.” Fourbit blurts out after a few more moments. “Sounds, I mean. There are multiple sounds coming from within you, and I can’t be sure of their source or meaning.”

He continues. “There is one… that is deep. Deep and repetitive. It has a particular rhythm, but its speed isn’t constant. Since I’ve started listening to it, it’s gotten faster and louder. What… is that? Do you know what that is?”

Madison smiles— a bit sheepishly. Halfway through Fourbit’s explanation, he’d realized what sound he was referring to. His partner bringing attention to it makes him feel both smitten and somewhat embarrassed.

“Well, yes. I know what that is. You’re probably hearing my heart beating. It makes that noise as part of its functioning— its job is to keep me alive. Sort of like… a battery, if that comparison makes more sense to you.”

“Hm.” Fourbit hums, both in thought and in acknowledgement. He pulls his head away for a moment, then presses it against Madison’s body again.

“There are other sounds. There’s another one— that is repeating. It sounds like wind. It seems to correlate with the movement of your chest. Like… something is filling with air. What is that?” he asks again.

“That— is breathing.” Madison says fondly. “It’s another thing that’s helping me stay alive. My body needs to take in air to function, because there are things inside of air that are used for many different bodily processes.”

“Then… why are you letting it back out? You must be letting it back out. I can feel it leaving.”

“It comes in as air and leaves as a waste product. That’s the simplest explanation I can give you.”

“Mm.” the robot hums again. “So… it is like a furnace. A furnace needs fuel to function. But the fuel also causes it to release gases as a byproduct.”

“That’s pretty similar to what’s going on, yeah!”

“Then… I understand now.” he says, shifting closer to Madison— apparently content with the answers that he’d received.

“That’s good. I guess you don’t really know much about organic anatomy, huh?”

“No, not particularly.”

“Is there anything else you’re curious about?”

“Mm…” Fourbit adjusts his head, gears clicking softly. “No, not right now.”

Madison gently brushes his fingers across the metal of his partner’s back, letting out a content sigh. The robot seems to perk.

“Why did you… do it that much?”

“I’m just feeling happy.”

“So… if you’re happy, you release more waste products.”

He stifles a snort. Fourbit gives him a confused look.

“Okay— uh, yeah, I guess so.” Madison chuckles. “Just, like— don’t generalize that statement, please. Don’t take that out of context. But, uh… yeah.” He sighs again, running a finger through his curly hair. “It can mean that, yeah.”

“What’s so funny about that?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. The way you worded that just— brought something else to mind. For a moment.”

“Care to explain?”

“Uh—” he starts, letting out an exasperated scoff, “—no. No, I don’t think I’d care to explain that.”

Fourbit stares at him, irritated by his sudden unwillingness to cooperate. He relents eventually, though, and relaxes against his partner once more.

“...It’s very rapid, right now. It’s interesting. I’ve never heard a sound like it before.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, uh… I don’t care if you want to keep listening to it. Go ahead.”

“I think I will.”

thinking very hard about the concept of a machine finding appreciation/fascination for a person's heartbeat or breathing, similarly to how a person would find the hum of a machine's inner parts running to be pleasing to listen to or feel

[isagrimorie]

Hi. Some of my all-time favourite shows are shows that I saw you posting about that I've gotten curious about, so I watched them and loved them. So whenever you post lots about a show, I sit up and take notice as there's a good chance that I'll like it. You've been posting lots about Criminal Minds, so now I'm interested. But it is a very long show. So I was wondering whether you would recommend starting from the beginning or if there's some later point that could make sense. And I guess would you recommend the show as a whole, or is it particular seasons that you like.

This is an interesting thing to answer, it's challenging because right now there is 17 seasons. But I guess I can answer this like how I answer Grey's Anatomy.

The easiest way might be to sample a few season 1 episodes so you can have a feel for Criminal Minds there are some heavy topics they tackle but this is where the fast-forward button is helpful (to me, and possibly because I am just rewatching so I retain what it was the first time).

Also, in early seasons, before they settled into a pure procedural formula I love that the victims have a chance to fight back. Unlike in other procedurals where the murder victims are already dead.

Also, season 1 is good to meet Elle Greenaway but it starts getting good when Emily Prentiss arrives in midseason 2.

I suppose you can also divide the show into eras:

The Jason Gideon and Elle Greenaway era is seasons 1 and 2.

And the bangers of the show start from seasons 3 to 6. Except that the network started interfering here and had AJ Cook and Paget Brewster fired.

But fans helped bring back AJ Cook in the same season she was fired, Paget's agents were able to produce magic and get her 17 episodes after she was fired so she could finish out Emily's story with a bang.

And then there are several No Emily seasons in the show before she returns permanently in season 12... which the last few seasons of the original run are still okay but not as stellar run because it's firmly planted on a procedural formula.

Seasons 16 and 17 of the revival show (10 episodes) breathe new life to Criminal Minds, especially since Emily Prentiss is once again being Peak Emily -- a little chaotic, and plenty mad. And so, so done.

I feel like the show's able to explore a little more of the interior life of the characters, although I wish it had more than 10 episodes per season.

I'm hoping CME s17 will have a banger season finale!

S1 is good to dip in just to see Elle and Jason, then season 2, for Elle's exit and Emily's arrival. Season 3 is when the show starts really hitting its stride.

(Although, I think season 2 has the amazing Profiler Profiled and Revelations 2 parter).

Things are on a steady diet of awesome from 3-7 onwards, unfortunately, I can't say anything about seasons 8 - 11 since those are seasons I haven't seen yet. (The No Emily Era). But I might start watching in my rewatch.

Anyway, I don't know if my rambling helps, it's midnight here. So I might be a little loopy!

[night-garden-fic]

Chapter Three: A Mouthful of Quicksilver

(Read on AO3)

"Just doing my job.  Be well."

Chapter Three: A Mouthful of Quicksilver

     With a bit of uneasy apprehension, Russell slowly opened the Clinic's heavy door and stepped inside; boots clicking on the polished-clean floors as he moved to stand at the threshold of the examination room. Edward greeted him sight unseen, long hair shifting slightly across his broad shoulders and stately white-coated back.

     "Hello, Russell.  Go have a seat, and we'll get started in just a bit here."

     Somehow, he always seemed to know exactly who was coming, even with his back turned.  He'd explained it before, something about how each set of footsteps had a particular cadence, but Russell still found it slightly spooky.  To him, it felt like just another way in which Edward knew an uncomfortable amount about the body and its many mysteries.

     Seemingly awaiting a response—though not seeming to particularly care if he received one—the doctor continued arranging his tools.

     Words and breath momentarily stolen by the chill wind outside, Russell shook the snow off his damp hair, then got to work removing the outer layers of his clothing, folding them neatly and setting them aside.  Now down to a thin undershirt, he shivered a bit with the sudden exposure, though the Clinic was kept at a comfortable temperature.

     Think healthy thoughts.  Stop shaking.

     Russell sat down on a small stool and waited in silence, watching the slush on his boots as it melted down to a small puddle.  After a long, quiet minute, Edward turned to face him with an amiable smile.

     "...So!  What brings you in?"

     What the hell kind of question is that?

     Russell—who had arrived assuming this was all Edward's idea in the first place—didn't look up from the wet floor.

     "Well, you said you wanted to see me again in a few days, and seeing as that was a few days ago..."

     With that, a fraction of the tension in the room had dissolved.  Both men laughed, and Edward shook his head.

     "Right, right...  Sorry.  Force of habit, I guess.  Okay, how about this...  How are you feeling?"

     Russell shrugged, Once again, he wondered why Edward had even asked.  This time, it was because he had already begun taking Russell's vitals, and would surely know soon enough.

     Why do all this stuff if you can't just tell me how I am yourself?  Isn't that the point of coming here?

     "I'm all right, I guess.  Pretty tired."

     Edward placed a cold glass thermometer in Russell's mouth, which filled with a faint, yet sharp taste of disinfectant.  It made him crave a shot of clear liquor, nevermind that it wasn't even noon.

     "Yeah, you kind of look it...  Looking better otherwise, though."

     Russell—not wanting a mouth full of quicksilver and broken glass—figured it was best to simply answer with a shrug.  After a few minutes, Edward removed the thermometer and examined it carefully.

     "...Well, I'm sure it's coming along better than you think.  And no fever, so it's safe to say you aren't still sick."

     He placed the thermometer back in its glass of strong-smelling fluid, then took a few seconds to scrawl something on his clipboard.  After quickly double-checking the notation, Edward unwound his stethoscope and placed the cold chestpiece directly over Russell's anxious heart; positioning it carefully, avoiding all the sensitized patches of scarred tissue.  By now, Edward had them as well-memorized as any other aspect of the human anatomy.

     Russell waited for what he thought was a few beats, then cleared his throat and clicked his jaw before speaking.

     "I know, I know...  It just feels like I'm not bouncing back right."

     Translating that mysterious internal rhythm into a few cryptic numbers in hasty ink, Edward momentarily withdrew the stethoscope, then placed it on Russell's back.  It felt as though each touch sapped a bit of heat from his already chilled body.

     "Okay, deep breath...   Russell, we've been through this before.  Your body just needs a little extra time.  If you give it that, you should be fine."

     Still quivering reflexively from the touch of the metal, Russell strained to draw air to the very bottom of his lungs, then exhaled it all with a sigh.

     "I guess...  It just feels never-ending."

     Edward frowned slightly.

     "Well, you do sound a little scratchier in there than I expected.  Still better than last time, though, so I think you're on track."

     Russell turned his head into his arm and coughed, wincing a bit in surprise at the reverberation of it, and involuntarily picturing the pages of a water-damaged book; the way they stuck to themselves and disintegrated, and how, even if they could be salvaged, they never quite laid right again.

     "...Great.  Good to know."

     Whatever the results were, it seemed to Russell that Edward took a worrying amount of time to jot them down.  After a few tense minutes of this, the doctor finally took his own seat, carefully placing the papers and clipboard on his lap, one hand still delicately gripping his pen.

     "Any other problems, while we're here?"

     Don't bother.  You've been over this.  He can't do anything else.

     Feeling a bit desperate, and too exhausted to hold his tongue, Russell decided that he would bother.

     It's not like it can make anything worse.

     "I...  Haven't really been sleeping."

     He watched Edward's authoritative posture crumple a bit in dismay.

     "Russell."

     ...Okay.  That's worse.

     Admonished, Russell felt his own posture slacken.

     "I'm not doing it on purpose."

     Edward straightened up; his tall, solid body reinflating with its typical certainty.  A certainty that Russell usually found reassuring, but now could only perceive as a bit patronizing.

     "I'm well aware, but I also assume you're well aware that this is why your body might not be repair-"

     Russell cut Edward off before he could think to stop himself.

     "...Believe me, I know!"

     The harsh, almost pained note in his voice caught them both off guard.  The clock ticked three times in the thick silence that had fallen between them.  Russell dropped his head into his hands.  Cautiously, Edward reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder.

     "I'm sorry...  I know you know, and I know you're frustrated.  I'm just not sure what else there is to do.  The only thing you can do is try and learn to rest."

     Edward pulled his hand back to the clipboard, back to the realm of the measured and professional, away from the heart and all that roiling heat.  Russell sat up slightly; elbows on knees, still averting his eyes.  The five-fingered imprint of warmth was fading from his skin, leaving him cold again.

     "Yeah, well, that's not going so great...  Look, do you think we should just try Lamp Grass again?  Just enough for a few days, so I can make up some of the lost sleep and start feeling better?"

     Edward shook his head curtly.

     "Not a good idea.  Your lungs still aren't clear, and we just tapered you off your last course a month ago."

     Again, Russell studied the wet floor.

     "...Well, maybe I wasn't ready."

     Another shake of the head, Edward's dark hair rearranging itself on his clean white coat, like windblown branches across a pallid winter sky.

     "No, you were.  You started over-relying on it.  You always do."

     Russell sighed, propping his tired head on one fist.

     "...At least I was sleeping."

     Edward smiled.  Russell found it a bit ill-fitting to the situation, but somehow felt its warmth all the same.

     He cares.  He just can't do anything for you.

     "And you will again, I promise...  Anything else, before we wrap things up here?"

     Russell shifted uncomfortably on the stool, feeling for that old ache in his spine.

     "I've had this thing with my back, but that's pretty much it, I guess."

     Wordlessly, Edward turned around to rummage through a rattling drawer, then produced a small glass bottle of pills and presented it to Russell.

     "Salicin derivative.  Two pills should take care of it.  And I'll probably want to check up on you again soon."

     Well, at least it's something.

     Russell pocketed the bottle.

     "Thanks."

     Edward smiled yet again, with that same warm calm.

     "Just doing my job.  Be well."

~*~

     Now fully dressed, but still freezing in the chill outdoor air, Russell crunched through the fresh snow, searching his pockets for the tiny bottle of powder-white pills.  Once he had it in hand, he uncorked it, tapped three pills into his palm, and knocked them back dry as he walked, passing the Library without a second look.

     He decided that, cold as he was, he didn't feel like going straight home.

     With the pills on their scratchy way down, he rubbed at the knobby base of his sore neck.  His back had been giving him trouble the night before, it was true, but he wasn't quite sure why he'd mentioned it; aside from it feeling, in the moment, like a flailing grasp at some invisible lifeline.

     Because his back, for now, was calm.

     Meanwhile, Russell's upper body felt painfully misassembled; stiff and out of alignment from too many hours lying on pillows without relaxing and softening into sleep.  As he gently gripped each aching joint and muscle, he thought of them—almost involuntarily—in all of Edward's words.  Strange, dark words.  Ornate and floridly tongue-bending as an old mage's incantation.

     Cervical.  Splenius.  Thoracic.  Scapula.  Trapezius.

     Feeling along those tortured structures, reciting their names in his mind as though he could speak the pain out of existence, Russell remembered the surplus medical texts that Edward had donated to the Library, shortly after they met.

     They were a fine addition to the collection, and one that Russell found strangely compelling as he devoured them one after another; reading late into the night, the guttering candle flame causing the red-inked muscles and organs to twitch and shudder as though they'd come to life on the page.  Then the feeling—likely imagined—of his own viscera twitching in recognition of itself.  But, as captivated as he was in those breathless hours, Russell had never planned to revisit the texts, as they gave him an uneasy feeling.

     For one thing, he always felt the body rather sinister and slimy; much preferring the terrain of the mind, no matter how daunting his own could seem at times.  For another, there was something unseemly in the very act of breaking all that wet, vital chaos into tidy component parts.

     Though, he supposed, it explained a lot about how Edward thought.

     As if I could ever explain how he thinks...

     When Russell first arrived in Kardia, he and Edward had clicked almost instantly.

     It helped that the Library was next door to the Clinic, and that their mutual interest in scholarly pursuits gave them a good deal of common ground; their proximity and shared interests uniting them so quickly that it took a while for either man to realize that he'd just made a very good friend.  Or, perhaps, they just hadn't been conditioned to expect a friendship to form at all.  Neither of them had a particularly robust history in that area, so they found themselves playing companionship by ear.

     At first, it was easy.

     It was with great joy that Russell and Edward discovered they could speak tirelessly for hours; of ideas, of stories, of an eclectic mix of trivia and facts.  And, with greater joy still, they realized they were equally content to read together in effortless silence, broken only by the occasional clearing of a throat and recitation of a passage.  Of course, their many conversations eventually made it apparent that they had very different minds.  But their differences were still outweighed by their commonalities, so the ease—more or less—remained.

     Until, that is, it slowly became obvious that they had deeper, more painful things in common.

     Edward didn't seem to know how to speak of such things, unless he could couch them in the abstract, put each piece under a microscope until it was unrecognizable as part of himself.  Which suited Russell just fine, as he himself could never figure out how to talk about those things at all, at least not while maintaining any kind of composure.  But, beneath this mutual tolerance, there always simmered some desire to know.

     To reach across that last untraversable gap that remained, bearing one simple message: "We're the same.  You don't have to hide."

     But hiding was all either of them had ever known, so the two wounded scholars grew to share both an odd intimacy and an odd distance; ever speaking around a series of sinister lacunas and omissions.

     And this odd friendship, as one might expect, was made all the odder by the occasional clinic visit.

     Within those sterile confines, Edward sometimes pulled so far back that Russell wondered if they even really knew each other at all.  Rationally, he knew it was just professionalism, but he still sometimes wondered where their friendship went when he stepped through that heavy, groaning door.  And, for that matter, where it returned from when Edward swept into the Library barely a day later, eager to discuss Russell's latest recommendations.

     If Russell didn't know better, he'd swear Edward was talking to two completely different men.

     It feels like being taken apart.

     (Does he even know it hurts?)

     But if it wasn't for him...  And Sabrina...

     Russell brightened a bit, his frustrating thoughts of where he'd been giving way to comforting thoughts of where he was going.

     Sabrina will ease my mind.

     Sabrina will make me laugh.

     Sabrina might fix this blasted neck.

     He took care on the icy steps down to the beach, then slogged through the wet sand until he was finally at her door, where he didn't even have to knock twice before Sabrina flung it open, seemingly as eager for company as he was.

     "Russell!  Come in, come in..."

     She didn't really need to tell him, because she practically pulled him across the threshold herself.  Russell sank into the embrace; into the familiar scent of her dusky hair, somehow ocean-salty in all seasons.

     "Hey, Sabrina..."

     She brushed away the snow that had collected on his shoulders, and quickly pressed a hand to his flushed cheek.

     "Gods, you're freezing...  Go sit by the woodstove and get warm."

     Once again, Russell didn't really need to be told.  The walk to the beach was short, but he'd shivered the whole way there; having decided against long underwear that morning, back when he thought he was just stepping next door.

     Back when I thought a doctor might have whatever the hell I need.

     As he shed his outer clothes for the second time, Russell tried to clear his mind of stethoscopes and quicksilver.

     The running tally of my beating heart.  My insides, drawn up in red ink.

     (Leave it alone.)

     He laid the garments to dry on the back of an old chair that he assumed—judging by the untidy swath of woolen things in various sizes, piled nearly a foot high—was designated for this specific purpose.  Then he sank to the floor, letting the heat blast his bare arms until the trembling gradually stopped.

     Sabrina grabbed a freshly laundered but somewhat ratty blanket from the nearby sofa, threw it over Russell's shoulders, and went to rummage around in the kitchen.

     "Let's see what all we have here...  Did you eat lunch yet?"

     Russell adjusted the blanket, wrapping himself more tightly.

     "No...  I was actually getting a checkup before I decided to stop in."

     He decided against mentioning that he hadn't really had breakfast, either.  It had taken him a long time to get going in the morning, so he made do with a few bites of cold stir-fry, eaten in front of the open refrigerator.

     "...Oh?  Are you feeling better?  What'd Ed say?"

     Nothing I didn't already know.

     "Not much.  Just that I'm doing fine, I guess."

     Sabrina produced a few mismatched bowls, which Russell supposed were an assortment of cold leftovers on which she would work some kind of strange magic.

     "Well, that's good to hear...  You're certainly looking a lot better than I last saw you."

     Busy as she was with her blissful re-newlywed life, Sabrina had made time to bring Russell a few meals while he was indisposed, and otherwise mostly subsisting on cold medicine, and dusty tepid water from a glass on his headboard.  If nothing else, she was the kind of person who came through for you, and food typically factored in to how she accomplished this.

     Today, of course, was no exception.  He watched her swish around the kitchen, suddenly more aware of his own hunger than he'd been in days.

     "Thanks...  Haven't been sleeping so hot, though."

     Suddenly, he felt like he could go to sleep right then.  Something in the warmth of the stove, and the gentle, domestic din of another person going about their business.

     (You remember this, don't you?)

     But as soon as Russell thought to close his eyes and doze, Sabrina had taken her place beside him.  She gently placed a large wooden tray, stained from years of use in the Shack's restaurant, on the floor between them.  It held two plates, each with a few salmon rice balls and a heap of salad, and two cups of fragrant, steaming tea.

     Sabrina carefully lifted her cup and gently blew, casting ripples on the tea's dark surface.  It made him ache, how every part of her was somehow about the sea.

     "That's too bad...  Ed have any ideas for you there?"

     Russell sighed, rearranging the salad on his plate.  The greens were dewy and crisp, grown in the loamy soil of a cave where spring reigned year-round.

     "Apparently, I need to 'learn to rest.'"

     He winced at the sardonic edge in his voice, which hadn't been entirely intentional.  Sabrina chewed thoughtfully, then shrugged.

     "...Well, he's not wrong.  You're pretty tightly-wound."

     It took a few bites of rice for Russell to realize exactly how hungry he was, and a few more to make his stomach stop twisting.

     He began, if only slightly, to unwind.

     "I know he's not wrong, but I don't know what he expects...  We've known each other for years by now.  I can't even count how many times we've had that same conversation."

     Suddenly, Russell felt the frustration rising again in his throat.

     Glass, blood, quicksilver.

     (The warm impression of a hand.)

     He took another bite of his lunch, and it seemed to fight him on the way down.

     Sabrina, cool as the ocean floor, sipped at her tea.

     "I think he just expects you to feel better.  Probably wouldn't hurt you to expect the same."

     Russell thought it sounded like something Edward would say.  But somehow, it sounded less dismissive coming from her.

     Even so, he couldn't quite shake his glum mood.

     "...Not sure how much it helps me, either."

     The topic, like Russell himself, was exhausted, and the pair finished their meal in silence.  He took his last few sips of tea, then—rather conspicuously—began attempting to crack his neck.  Sabrina quickly took notice.

     "...You okay?"

     Russell grimaced slightly.

     "Yeah.  Just been a little sore."

     As always, that was all he had to say.

     Almost instantly, and with the sort of gentle familiarity that had never truly left their interactions, Sabrina had positioned herself behind him, and began working on his shoulders and neck.  Russell closed his eyes, trying to give himself over to the comforting sensation as she did her best to keep the conversation going.

     "So, what's new with you lately?"

     Nothing I would want to make your business.

     "Oh, not all that much...  Like I said, I saw Ed, and that's about all.  What about you?  Doing anything special for your birthday?"

     Sabrina was intently focused on working out a tight, snarled knot at the crook of Russell's neck.

     "Neumann's actually taking me north for two nights...  We're going to try ice fishing!"

     Right.  Neumann.

     Russell found it difficult to fully relax, knowing he could decide to swing by the house and walk in on them.

     "Well, I hope you have fun.  It certainly sounds interesting."

     I also hope he doesn't decide to eat lunch at home today.

     It had happened a few times before, and was as awkward as one might expect; Sabrina getting indignant, "he's still my friend, and he hurts,"  then Neumann getting protective, "let's not let him steal you from me a second time!"

     Inevitably, this odd play-fighting gave way to the two of them cheerfully flirting, while Russell—still aching—sat around like an old coat carelessly tossed on the floor.  An awful, almost queasy feeling; not the slimy jealousy of coming up second-best, but rather just wanting what she had, with someone.

     (Anyone.)

     What he really wanted to explain, in those strange moments, was that Neumann didn't need to worry, that Sabrina was just a physical person.  In life as a whole, and with her friends.

     Though, Russell had gotten the idea that he already knew, and that this—in combination with that whole business about the Chalice—was what had originally driven them apart.

     Just as it drove us together.

    Under the warmth of Sabrina's hands, Russell remembered how he felt when he first arrived in Kardia; his shriveled heart like a locked box, thrown to the bottom of a well.  He barely remembered how to be a person, let alone a proper lover, or a proper friend.

     To put a fine point on it, I was dead below the waist, too.

     It did not occur to him, as he was then, that it could be any other way.

     That is, until one strange-magic night somehow changed everything.

     Walking home from one of their frequent trips to the Pub, Russell and Sabrina both pleasantly drunk on red wine and the dazzling glow of a full late-summer moon...

     (Don't think about it.  It just hurts now.)

     Everything hurts these days.  Might as well think about something pleasant.

     ...That was the night, of course, that she impulsively kissed him on the mouth.  No small peck, but full and lusty, the velvet tip of her tongue gently parting his lips.

     It had lasted less than a second, but that was all it took for his sluggish veins to suddenly flush with red, living blood.  Before he knew it, they were under the pier, naked and frantic, making the most of the last warm night of the season.

     I damn near cried for joy.

     Back in the wintery present, as Sabrina's hands moved south to grip his upper arms, Russell began to remember something else.  Another moment of playful impulse, another world-shaking rush of heat and life.

     Never forget, she was the first to bind you.

     A lazy afternoon, a length of rope originally destined for a homemade fishing net.  Sabrina organizing supplies while Russell watched; feeling energetic and a little silly, the way he often did around her.  He knew his carrying on was disturbing her work, but neither of them seemed to particularly care, despite some mock protests on her end.

     It was all part of whatever game they were playing.

     Eventually, through a faint mist of laughter like the sparkling spray of the sea, those fateful words slipped out.

     "Russell, I will tie you to that chair!"

     He intimated that he wouldn't mind, and something in the air instantly shifted.

     Even through the suddenly charged atmosphere, the playful mood of that long-ago afternoon still carried them along, sunny and weightless as the ropes wound around his limbs, secure and comfortably snug.  With Russell safely fastened, and quiet at last, Sabrina returned to her tasks.

     He waited patiently for half an hour, hair standing on end, belly quivering and pulsing with that vital, living heat.  And, when she finally returned her attentions to him, well...

     I finished in less than a minute.

     Russell was snapped back to the moment by the touch of a soft hand on his burning cheek.

     "...What on Earth are you thinking about, blushing like that?"

     Sabrina laughed, a sound as soft and gentle as her fingers.  Russell joined in with a nervous chuckle.

     "Oh...  I guess I finally got warmed up, is all."

~*~

     Though the visit with Sabrina had briefly cheered him, Russell felt lonelier than ever now that he had found himself back out in the cold.

     The harsh wind chilled skin that had just minutes ago felt so warm beneath her kind hands, and his bones began to ache all over again.  The briefness of her presence only amplified the sting of her absence; the memory of that silly afternoon with the ropes bringing with it memories of countless other afternoons, other mornings, other long black-velvet nights.

     Russell was blushing all over again, the light flurries of snow melting on contact with his flushed face and trickling down his collar.

     Almost against his will, he recalled the strength and steadiness of Sabrina's lovely bronzed hands as she pressed him into the mattress and claimed him for her own.  The way the taut swimmer's muscles of her back would glide and undulate hypnotically just under the smooth skin.  Her tanlines, and the way his hands creased the soft swell of her hips as she straddled him.  The taste of her as she gripped his head firmly between those plush, powerful thighs...

     ...Okay, you need to calm the hell down.

     As Russell passed the Inn, he contemplated going inside, but ultimately decided against it and kept walking.  Lady Ann was probably working, and wouldn't appreciate him wandering in like a vagrant in the middle of the day.  Besides, he didn't want to appear desperate, even if he undeniably was.  And he was too divided; too filled with longing for another lover to give his Lady the unbroken devotion she relished and deserved.

     (Or you can stop in the Pub.  Just one drink.  Just to warm up.)

     Russell picked up his pace as he passed Spring Rabbit, which had just opened for the day, and looked invitingly dark and cozy.  He told himself that, though he had taken the morning off to accommodate his checkup, it was still the middle of the workday.  And, while he was undeniably a bit down, he wasn't that down; not step-out-to-drink-his-lunch down, with all its attendant chaos.

     (Not yet.  Not again.)

     He would just have to suck it up and try to get warm on his own.

     With a dejected sigh, Russell pressed his icy hands to the rosy heat of his cheeks.

     That, too, reminded him of Sabrina; of a now-distant night, just a week or two before they became lovers.  They had been sitting on the floor of the Shack, listening to records on Sabrina's phonograph as their children slept soundly upstairs.  To all appearances, it had been quite the lovely evening.

     Except, of course, for the fact that Russell hadn't slept more than six hours in as many days.

     Around midnight, without even realizing it, he finally cracked.

     He wasn't sure what exactly he said.  But apparently, it made so little sense that Sabrina's first instinct was to check if he was running a fever; gently pressing her cool palms against his neck and cheeks.  Sabrina, of course, was constantly touching her friends; for light guidance, or in good-natured jest.  But this was only the second or third time that she had touched Russell so tenderly, and something about it broke him completely.

     To the surprise of both of them, he immediately burst into tears.

     As it turned out, Russell wasn't feeling feverish, but Sabrina treated him almost as though he was; tucking him in on the sofa with a warm blanket and a cold glass of water, playing with his hair and talking in soft tones about nothing of consequence until he finally fell asleep.  It was all very startling—not to mention embarrassing—but, at that point in his life, it was exactly what he needed to rally and begin building himself up.

     He didn't want to admit that he might need something like that again.

     Russell sniffed weakly, eyes and nose stinging with the frigid air and incipient tears.

     He was approaching the Clinic, where this confusing downer of a day had begun.

     You only started getting checkups because of her, remember?

     In the early days of their relationship, Sabrina was always worried about something or other; about Russell's insomnia, or his headaches, or his thinness, or his touchy stomach, or his lethargy, or his generally dismal mood.  Even though the idea repelled him, she very much wanted him to get checked out.  Edward was a notably gentle practitioner, and—Sabrina was quick to mention—a trusted friend besides.  There was nothing, she insisted soothingly, for Russell to be frightened of.

     Russell could never quite make her understand that it wasn't exactly fear that kept him away.  He was just of the belief that he had endured quite enough medical poking and prodding for one lifetime; mostly at the hands of hurried military doctors, men in the business of determining who was healthy enough to die.  Whatever relief might be waiting on the other side couldn't possibly be worth submitting himself to yet more violation.

     It was obvious enough that all the hard living he had endured in the course of those long, bloody years had taken something of a toll on his constitution, but Russell wasn't sure if there was even anything to be done for it, and much preferred dealing with his own problems as they arose.

     But, in the end, he did have to admit he was having an increasingly hard time reading, and figured there was no harm in just getting his eyes checked.

     And then you had to go and faint.

     Drawing up his collar against the chill, Russell shivered with embarrassment as much as cold.  On that fateful afternoon, he hadn't even been out long enough to hit the floor.  But the helplessness and lack of control were still the stuff of his literal nightmares; especially when Edward laid him down on the bed and insisted on performing a full physical, with Russell lacking the strength to properly consent or forbid.

     Then the initial terror passed, and he realized that it was, perhaps, not the worst thing that could possibly happen.

     Edward really was, as Sabrina had assured, incredibly gentle.  He seemed to sense Russell's apprehension, and know exactly how to proceed; with a soft voice and light hands, never touching without asking first or moving ahead without explaining what he was doing.  And—most novel of all—he actually seemed concerned about his health.  Edward didn't care if Russell was combat-ready.  He wanted only for him to be well, as any good friend would.

     But that was then, wasn't it?

     Yes, that was then.  Before the years of endless problems with no clear solution drove a wedge between them, and Edward—at least in the doctor-patient aspect of their relationship—began to check out.

     Blood, glass, quicksilver.

     Russell felt the jagged shards rising in his throat again, but set his face in a benign smile as he stepped into the Library.

     "Hey...  You two been holding down the fort okay?"

     Cecilia, who was sprawled front-down on the floor and browsing a thick illustrated bestiary, nodded cheerfully.  Tori looked up from the stack of books she'd been shelving with a slight start.

     "It's b-been a slow morning...  Are...  Are y-you all right, sir?  W-what did Ed say?"

     "Try and learn to rest."

     "Be well."

     Russell cleared his throat.

     "That I still might need to take it a little easy, but I'm doing all right."

     Tori nodded understandingly.

     "It-it's fine if you want to take the rest of the day off t-to relax upstairs...  I've b-been running things all day already, so..."

     With a yawn and a stretch, Russell sank into his desk chair.

     "No...  No.  I've been wanting to get back to work all day."

     Tori smiled shyly at Russell, then went back to shelving.  Russell closed his eyes for a moment—just to collect himself—then took a long, aimless look around the Library, letting its familiarity soothe his tired, aching mind.

     His books surrounded him like a fortress of ideas.  Cecilia was still contentedly lost in her world of fascinating creatures.  Tori hummed to herself as she shelved; a little off-key, but merry and calming nonetheless.  The only slightly out-of-place element was Lynette, and even she had become a familiar fixture of late, taking refuge in the Library whenever the weather got too damp or chilly to abide her drafty cabin.

     You know that isn't the only reason.

     Actually, Russell didn't know.

     But he had seen enough to be a little suspicious.

     Lynette watched everyone in Kardia with an intent curiosity that, when one gave it some thought, made a lot of sense.  The way people led their lives in this scruffy little beach town was a far cry from what she must have been accustomed to, and Edward confessed to having done similar before he fully settled into the quiet village life.

     But the way she sometimes stared at Russell was a little different.

     It reminded him of nothing so much as the way he used to catch Tori looking at him, before she had gotten over that mortifying girlhood crush.  And yet, it was something else entirely, because Lynette's unspoken longings were actually age-appropriate.  It made him entertain things he didn't necessarily want to consider.

     She's a little like Sabrina, isn't she?

     No, not exactly.  But she cut a similar figure at times; with her choppy bobbed hair, and her general build, which was small-framed and trim but surprisingly solid and muscular.  Perhaps her body would feel similar in his arms, but her personality was completely different, so he couldn't imagine any farther than that.

     Curious?

     Russell blinked hard and faced the window, telling himself that he wasn't.

     (She's so commanding, there's a cold fire in that eye of hers, she's probably been drilled in so many holds and restraints, I wish I knew what her teeth were like.)

     A light snow was still falling outside, and Russell tried to focus on the slow spin of the drifting flakes.

     If she likes you as much as you think, it would be so easy.

     (You wouldn't have to sleep alone.)

     Russell grimaced.  He didn't want to be having these thoughts, and honestly didn't even want to be thinking at all.  Lynette was a near-stranger, and he knew he wouldn't have entertained this idea even in the most abstract sense if he hadn't been feeling quite so pathetically lonely.

     ...You are lonely, aren't you?

     He was.  But right then, it was Sabrina in particular that he was lonely for, and Russell wasn't stupid enough to think he could solve that by laying down with just anyone.  And, to him, Lynette was just anyone. The closest thing they'd ever had to a conversation was the brief exchange over that uncanny illustration.

     She could be anyone, but she's still someone.

     (I need someone.)

     Russell rubbed his tired eyes until he saw colors, then wearily stood from his chair.

     "Hey, Tori...  I had kind of a long morning, and I didn't sleep much last night, so I might go upstairs and take a nap."

     The shy girl nodded, a soft look of understanding in her wide blue eyes.

     "That's f-fine, sir."

     Without another word, Russell dragged himself upstairs, collapsing on the bed without even bothering to pull back the blankets.  He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, trying to keep the dreary grey light around him from invading his brain.

     (Someone.  Anyone.)