#i guess ill just wait for another character to fall in love in

[kirumarythechair]

wheaty

[take-it-on-the-run]

Not A Lot, Just Forever

Dean Winchester x Pregnant!Reader

After throwing up morning after morning, the reader discovers her illness isn't what she initially thought.

Word Count: 4.1k

Tags: Pregnancy, unexpected pregnancy, brief description of motel bathrooms, vomiting (repeated), self-blame, mention of reader's mother dying in childbirth, mention of childbirth related deaths, anxiety, brief loss of consciousness, Dean is a sweetheart and will make a great father.

Characters: Dean Winchester, Pregnant!Reader, Sam Winchester, Castiel

@ghostlyaccurate requested: "Hii! I'm not sure if I already sent you this request, or if I sent it to someone else (oops🤭) but could I request a Sam Winchester and/or Dean Winchester x reader (your choice which one of them, if not both sepperately) where he helps reader deal with morning sickness, though he only finds out she's pregnant on the third day in a row that he's with her while she throws up. Ty!!"

Read it on AO3!

A/N: Adrianne Lenker title. I really really loved this request! I feel like writing the pregnancy trope is a sort of hard task to do, so I hope I brought it justice. I love love loved writing this, and I hope you enjoy reading it! Thank you for the request @ghostlyaccurate, and I promise I'm trying my damnedest to work through my inbox <3. Every mistake here is completely and 100% my own and of my own doing. (P.S. can you guess how hard it was to find "aesthetic" pictures of a bathroom and pregnancy tests for the pictures for this fic?? I think the ones I found actually work pretty well! Another thing, what happened to the yellow text color? I use it to tag fluff fics, and it's gone :( ).

Dean Winchester Masterlist | Supernatural Masterlist | Main Page Masterlist

Your head hung over the foul toilet bowl of whatever motel you, Dean, and Sam were holed up in, and a rancid smell invaded your nose. In earnest, you didn’t have the slightest idea where you were. The past couple of hours had been filled with a slight fever and the constant need to use Dean as a pillow. Halfway through the drive between towns, you convinced him to switch out driving with Sam so he could join you in the back seat.

The worn tile of the bathroom floor offered you minimal comfort, and the fact you’re supposed to be up for a case in two hours made your stomach churn over again. Ditching your normal avoidance of motel bathrooms, you gripped the edge of the toilet and emptied your stomach again.

“Y/N?” Dean’s groggy voice called out from behind the door, “Are you okay in there sweetheart?”

You squeezed your eyes together, cursing yourself for being loud enough to wake him up. Sneaking out from his arms was a feat enough already, trying to suppress the sound of you losing your guts at four in the morning wasn’t going to happen; even in a perfect world.

“No,” you groaned as he softly opened the door, “I feel like shit De, and you know how much I hate throwing up. And how much I hate motel bathrooms.” You whined. Your hair was falling to the front of your face and you were cursing whoever decided a bathroom didn’t need a working air vent.

Dean hummed softly, pulling the hair back from your face and holding it with one hand as he sat behind you on the floor. He pressed his lips to the back of your head softly, and gently traced shapes on your collarbone as you laid back on him.

“Just breathe, I’ve got you if you need to go at it again.” He said softly, cradling you in his lap as you tried to breathe. He ran his hand through your hair as your breathing started to hiccup less, and eventually, he sat you on the closed toilet lid to get you water.

You felt ashamed to be keeping him up at this hour. Your phone clock read 5:13 AM, almost an hour past when you’d originally gotten up. He already doesn’t get enough sleep as is, and here you are sitting, waiting for him to get back like you aren’t able to take care of yourself.

“Here you go, drink slowly. Did you use the mouthwash I gave you?” He asked as he handed you his water bottle. He stood across from you, tucking his hands into the pockets of his pajama pants. You nodded softly, gratefully gulping down the contents of the bottle.

The bags under his eyes were already enough to make you feel guilty. Hunters were used to running on minimal sleep, but with you around, he’d just gotten into the six-hour range. He rubbed his face, inhaling like he normally did when he was trying to make a decision. You didn’t want to go out for the case. You barely wanted to move your body to get back in bed and salvage what little sleep you could before life kicked you back into gear.

“Do you want to stay here while Sam and I talk to the family?” Dean asked as if he could read your mind.

I love you so damn much. You thought, bowing your head with a sigh of relief. You didn’t want to be the one to bring up staying in; neither of you ever wanted to admit you needed breaks, but if the other one was to bring it up, it made the process easier.

You nodded, pushing yourself to your feet as he opened the door for the two of you, “yeah, I think that’s best for all of us. Don’t need me puking in the victim’s bathroom as you guys ask your questions.” You tried to joke as you and Dean crawled back into bed, tucking yourself into his arms, and splaying your legs haphazardly on top of his.

The next morning wasn’t any better.

Sam and Dean had come home late from questioning the family, and you were barely aware of them unloading the Chinese food they brought for you. Dean sat with you against his chest, still half-dressed as an FBI agent, as you wolfed down the egg rolls he got. You found yourself starving when they offered you food, but now you regretted eating anything at all.

You found yourself hung over the toilet again, but thankfully only had to put up with one round of saying goodbye to your lunch. You were able to get yourself up and over to the sink, where you repeated Dean’s routine from the morning before.

You leaned against the counter in the small kitchen, Dean’s water bottle filled with tap water in your hand. You turned to dump the rest in the sink when the creak of a floorboard behind you had you spinning on your heel in record time.

“Jesus Christ, Dean. Why are you up?” You asked in a hushed tone, placing your hand over your racing chest.

“I could ask you the same thing,” He crossed the small room and came over to embrace you in his arms, “did you get sick again?” He asked innocently, but the combination of those words, and the pitiful shift of his eyes was enough to make you feel like a child. You were a grown woman, you knew damn well how to take care of yourself much before the Winchesters were in your life.

You huffed in annoyance, pulling back from Dean’s chest. You felt your face begin to heat up, and it felt like anything Dean could say had the chance to send you over the edge.

“Yes, I did. Right now, I feel like my body is too hot and too tight for my bones, and I also feel like anything you say is going to make me hit the roof. Even if it’s nice, I just don’t think my brain can take in any more words without wanting to jump ship.” You said you rubbed your temples. Things like this had happened occasionally in the past, and before Dean, you figured it was just because you were a rigid person. One night a particularly bad migraine had led to you yelling at him because he offered to get you some medicine. Instead of just leaving you to stew, like every other partner did, he simply asked you to explain what you were feeling. No judgment, no interruptions, and he’d do whatever you said would make you feel better in that moment.

Now, whenever you felt overwhelmed, he did the same. He’d swallow any sarcastic comment or solution to your problem and listen to you. No matter what was bothering you, at whatever hour of the day, he was at your side, doing what you asked of him without hesitation.

He just nodded, pressing his lips to your forehead before he led you back to the bed you two were sharing for the case. His body threw off heat like a bonfire, and your normally freezing hands were appreciative of that. In this moment, however, it felt like you were burning from the inside out.

You adjusted yourself between the sheet and the comforter, so the two of you could still touch without pressing your skin together. Dean waited for you to still before he made himself comfy, and he gently ran his fingers through the ends of your hair.

“Is this okay right now? Do you want me to leave you be?” He asked, in as soft of a voice as he could. You hummed, smiling at the tingling sensation running through you. Comfort, and a warmth that wasn’t burning to the touch, crawled up your back, and into your head. You tried to focus your eyes for a couple of seconds more, but without your control, they forcefully fluttered shut.

“Y/N.”

Sheet tangled between your limbs, and you could see the light through your closed eyes. Opening them, you find an unexpected sight. Instead of Dean, or Sam, standing at your bedside, the trench coat-clad angel you’d met five years ago stood awkwardly, waiting for you to fully wake up.

“Cas,” you rubbed your eyes as you sat up, “what are you doing here? Where’s Sam and Dean?” You asked.

Cas sighed and sat at the end of your bed. He shot you a quick look, before focusing his eyes on the blank wall in front of him. He tapped his fingers on his legs, a habit he picked up from Sam.

“Dean called me and told me you were sick. I came in, and told him I’d try and cure whatever… ailment is afflicting you.”

You smiled at the way he spoke, and the fact Dean went out of his way to try and help you out, but there was something off about Castiel’s demeanor. You sat up and touched his arm to get his attention.

“Cas, what’s wrong? Did something happen that I should know about?” You asked softly.

“I think you’re pregnant, Y/N.” He looked at you, and there was a rift of guilt lingering in his eyes.

A course of confusion and shock coursed through your body before you felt a rotting pit settle at the bottom of your stomach.

“Why would you… think that, Cas?” You felt a tightness taking over your throat, rubbing your hand across your neck to try and loosen it.

“I can sense life forms. Human ones, at least. It was hard to tell with Sam and Dean here, but once they left I was able to confirm my suspicions.”

Your hand traveled to your lower abdomen before your mouth spat out a request without thinking.

“Pregnancy tests. Can you get me some, please? I just,” you ran your hand across your forehead quickly, “I want to confirm, using non-magical means.”

Cas nodded, “of course. I’m going to assume you don’t want me to let Dean know?”

You nodded your head before swinging your legs over the side of the bed. Deep down, you knew Cas was right. You were late by a few days, but you’d chalked it up to the illness that’s kept you on the bench for this case. You didn’t usually react as poorly as you’ve been to an illness, even when you’d gotten a terrible case of Pneumonia.

Getting up from the bed, you walked into the bathroom as Castiel vanished to get you a couple tests. Looking to the mirror, you’re met with a form of you that was a little scary; purple, slightly-puffy eyes, smeared makeup that hadn’t been washed off from days before, and your skin was breaking out in places it hadn’t before.

Dean hadn’t said a word about it, but even someone as blissfully ignorant as him had to have noticed the way your face wasn’t looking like your own.

Dean.

You’d have to tell Dean you were pregnant, with his child. That you’re going to be parents.

What if he didn’t want to be a father at thirty-six?

Children weren’t one hundred percent out of the question, but they were longer down the line in hunters’ lives. If you were lucky enough to get out of the life unscathed and find someone who would want to settle down with, you’d likely be creeping into your mid-forties, at best. Mary had gotten lucky with John, but now they’d both been taken away by the thing they’d spent half of their marriage avoiding.

What if you weren’t ready to be a mother at thirty-five?

For you, it wasn’t the question of wanting to have kids, but you never saw you or your boyfriend backing out from hunting anytime soon. To add on, you’d heard of many nasty births that ended in fatality for the infant or the mother, including your own. Every time you and the boys were on a case involving a child, you’d be extra reckless. Dean picked this up within the first couple of times you’d almost gotten yourself killed to save a kid, and you explained your fear to him. The fear of a mother not being able to welcome her child home in her arms, or the child not seeing his mother again, and their fate lying in your hands. You’d already ripped apart your family, and you tried your damnedest to keep as many together as possible.

A ruffle of feathers and a sharp knock on the bathroom door snapped you out of your thoughts.

“You can come in, Cas.”

Wordlessly, the angel stepped into the small motel bathroom holding a plastic bag. He pulled out three different pregnancy tests and set them on the counter.

“The woman working there said I should get a couple just in case one doesn’t work like it should.” He said as you picked up the first test. “I’m telling the truth, but I understand you wanting to confirm this to yourself.”

I know Cas, you thought, but you didn’t say a word. Instead, you stared at him, waiting for him to leave the bathroom, but he had a blank look on his face and didn’t move a muscle.

“Cas, I’m going to need you to leave the bathroom for me to do this.”

“Oh, sorry. Of course. I forgot how ‘hands-on’ human tests can be. I apologize.” He said blatantly before stepping out of the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

Fuck me.

That’s what got you into this in the first place, dumb ass.

After twenty disgustingly long minutes in the decrepit motel bathroom, you walked out holding four positive tests. Cas was sitting on Sam’s bed, staring out the window, but immediately stood up and crossed the room to you. You handed him the tests, and he placed them on the table between the two beds.

“How do you feel?” He asked. Another thing he picked up from his years on earth was the ability to know when to ask what questions.

You felt blank. Void of answers and solutions to the situation at hand. Whether or not to turn left, or right.

“I… don’t know what to do, Cas.” Your voice broke along with the tears you were holding back, and a sinking feeling of hopelessness began to dig its way through your head.

Neither you nor Dean are ready to be parents. What if Dean’s angry? He would never kick you out of the bunker. The bunker is the only real home any of you have had in a long time, but is it safe? Is the world safe enough to bring a baby into? A Winchester baby, who would no doubt be a target from birth. What if the baby doesn’t make it to full term? What if this baby kills you like you killed your own mother?

“Y/N,” Cas placed his hand on your shoulder, “I’m going to ask you to take a breath.” He drew his hand up and waited for you to inhale. Taking in a shuddered breath, you followed the flow of his hand, stopping your heart from running up your throat.

“Thank you.” You said, sitting down on your bed and grabbing the pregnancy tests off the nightstand. Two pluses, two double lines. You and Dean were careful and used a condom whenever you found extra time together, but somehow God decided that rubber wasn’t going to work as intended.

“I think I’m going to just lay here,” you tuck yourself under the bed sheets once more, the tests shoved into your pajama pants, “and wait for Dean and Sam to get home. I’ll get him out of this stuffy ass room and tell him in private. Sam shouldn’t have to witness if we- if we argue. I know it makes him feel awful.”

“That’s a smart plan. You need to take this one step at a time and do it carefully. I know Dean cares for you deeply, but if you need someone to support you, all you have to do is call for me.” Cas squeezed your shoulder reassuringly.

“Thank you, Cas.” You yawned, pulling your body further under the covers of the bed. Castiel smiled slightly, before turning away and disappearing with a familiar rush of wings flapping.

Your body was covered head to toe in sweat, and the bed sheet you wrapped around yourself was thrown onto the floor. No light entered the room, and the time on the alarm clock read 1:43. Your stomach churned in a familiar way, and as you got to your feet you finally noticed neither of the boys were in the room.

You clambered to the bathroom, phone in hand, trying to call Dean. One hand braced on the toilet, and the other tried to thumb down to his contact. There wasn’t any time to think about the fact you were carrying a baby inside of you, the baby whose father is missing in the middle of the night with no calls or messages.

They always call. You thought before you set your ringing phone on the floor to throw up for the first time that morning. The phone rang, the sound slowly driving you insane each time you redialed Dean’s number between dry heaving into the bowl.

Your hair was sticking to your forehead, poorly swept away and held back by a rubber band you found on the sink. The heat, the pain, and the fear of losing contact with the Winchester brothers combined with the reality of you being pregnant was finally built up enough to break the swarm of emotions you barely choked down when Cas was in the room earlier.

Eyes burning, you slumped against the sink cabinet and brought your phone to your ear as you called Dean once again. You let out a sob, tears rushing down your face and neck, leaving behind a slightly burning trail. Your breathing became uneven, the sound of your own heart drumming through your ears drowning out the ring of your phone. Letting your phone slip to the floor, you brought your knees to your chest and folded your arms as a nest for your forehead.

Neither of the boys called within the twenty minutes you were in the bathroom, your phone was now close to being dead, and no muscle in your body wanted to obey your brain telling them to move and do something. You weren’t a weak woman, you took the cards you were dealt and tried your best to win, but sometimes all you could do was fold.

“Y/N? Y/N?”

A hand pulled your face from your knees, and you could barely see with the light of the bathroom now on and blinding you. A warm hand rested against your cheek while another briefly touched your forehead.

“Help me get her up, Sammy,” your eyes fluttered closed and you felt two arms hook under both your arms, laying them over shoulders as your feet lightly dragged across the floor.

“I’ve never seen her this bad, Dean.” The voice you now recognized as Sam said. Your legs were swept up from under you and you were laid on the bed you’d crawled out of.

You felt the tests still pressing in your pockets, and you thanked whatever greater being was willing to listen. There was no way you wanted to Dean to discover that information on accident.

Dean.

The other voice was Dean.

You moron, who else would it be?

The bed next to you dipped down, and you felt a gentle hand tuck a few stray hairs behind one of your ears. The sweat covering you was sucking every inch of clothing to your skin, and all you wanted to do was peel either of the pair off.

“I thought Cas was going to come here and help her out,” you heard his voice straining as he spoke, and you felt your heart snap in two.

You moved your hand, as heavy as it felt, and squeezed the first part of him you touched.

“Sweetheart,” you could feel Dean’s breath as he hovered over you, “you’re scaring me here.”

“Cas…” you gave out a heavy cough, “he came. He helped me figure out what’s been happening.”

A glass of water was brought to your mouth, and you took every drop of it. After swallowing the cup, your eyes finally were able to open. You were greeted by a worried Dean hovering very close to you, and a worried Sam crossing back from the kitchen holding Dean’s water bottle.

Sam set the bottle on the bedside table and sat on his bed, facing you and Dean. Dean’s attention was solely on you. His hands grabbed both sides of your face and brought his lips to your forehead, before resting against it.

“Hey,” you said, chuckling slightly, “I didn’t mean to scare you, De. You, or Sam.” You sat yourself up in bed.

“Did Cas tell you what’s wrong?” Sam asked, looking at you expectantly.

“He did, but… is it okay if I talk to Dean? Alone?” You asked softly.

Sam shot Dean a look, which Dean promptly returned with one that had Sam standing up, and walking into the hall.

Orange rays of light shone from the window of the room, and you could just barely see the sun climbing on the horizon. Dean moved to hold you in bed while you gained the composure to tell him you were both parents.

“Dean…” you breathed steadily, trying to even your heartbeat that was ramping up once more, “I have to tell you something-”

“I kinda gathered as much sweetheart,” he said lightly, lines forming around his forest-lorn eyes beautifully.

“- it’s important. I mean, it’s going to change our lives, for the rest of our lives.”

Dean’s face became more serious, pulling you to face him as he crossed his legs.

“You know you can tell me anything, Y/N.”

Do it, now. Just say-

“I’m pregnant.”

The air hung heavy around the pair of you as you handed him the tests in your pocket, and you could see the clocks turn in Dean’s mind as he stared down at them.

“But we used a rubber?” He said, and you could guess where his thoughts were wandering.

“We did, but you’re the only person I’ve been with for years, Dean, I need you to believe me when I say that.” You said reassuringly as you could without sounding like you were lying.

His face broke into a small smile, and he brought his thumb to trace over your lower cheek, “I know, sweetheart. I trust you with my heart, I just know not to use that brand anymore, seems like their effectiveness is questionable.”

You laughed, tears drying in your eyes as you pushed at him playfully, “Dean! You gave me a heart attack, you son of a bitch!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry okay!” He laughed, capturing you in a giant bear hug and rolling you on top of him. You looked down at him and brought your lips down to his.

“You’re going to be a father,” you said, beaming at him while smiling the hardest you’d ever in the longest time

“You’re going to be a mother,” he replied, smiling just as hard. Your face fell slightly, and the word mother finally kicked into your head. “Hey,” Dean said as he saw your face shift, somehow remembering the story you told him all those years ago, “Remember, we’ve got an angel on speed dial, and you know how hard it is to take out a Winchester.”

Your heart warmed at the statement, the baby inside of you was just as much L/N as it was Winchester. You loved Dean with your heart, as did he love you, and now the two of you were going to brace the dangerous world you’d spent years protecting with the amalgamation of that love.

You brought Dean’s hand to your stomach as he brought his other hand to your face. His calloused fingers were gentle on your skin, and small crinkles formed around his eyes as he smiled, holding his hand at your stomach as you gazed back at him.

A knock sounded at the door, making you turn your head around before you and Dean burst into laughter, and told Sam he could come back in the room to tell him the news.

[abiiors]

red lines - pt. 1 ║// matty healy x reader

a/n: i want you to read this very very carefully: i am pro-choice and i will always be pro-choice. and this is a work of fiction. also feel the need to add that this is more a collection of small vignettes??? ugh idk, hope you enjoy regardless cw: *deep breath* angst, pregnancy, mentions of abortion, mentions of vomit, (and other pregnancy symptoms), crying (so much of it my god) and arguments, mentions of smoking, illness, hospitals, panic attacks, reader has a good relationship with her mother so i guess that's a cw too, (most definitely inaccurate) descriptions of birth. wc: 4.6k

two red lines is all it takes to ruin a perfect life. 

two red lines repeated twice on two different tests that stare back at you from the counter—innocent and white and damning. the bathroom is utterly still, save for the tap dripping one drop every seven seconds. you would know, you counted it, used those seven seconds to ground you and stop you from spiraling into another panic attack for the three minutes it took to get those two red lines. 

pregnant. 

with two more weeks left on tour by matty’s side. 

gingerly you wrap them in toilet paper, make sure they’re safe and secure and nothing’s peeking out. you throw it in the bin, looking at it with a deadness on your face that you feel deep inside. then you call the reception and ask them to take out the trash. 

matty isn’t here. he’s on stage, serenading thousands of people who hang on to every single word he says, looking at him with all the love and adoration in the world. matty, your matty, who belongs as much to you as he does to the people, the fans. you should have been there too but there was the migraine and the nausea that wouldn’t go away. so you told him you would just sleep it off tonight. 

have an amazing night, babe. break a leg. and then a sweet kiss and a promise to see him tomorrow. 

and then the two red lines.

every time you blink you see them flash in front of you—like a promise or a warning. or maybe even a sentence. 

pregnant. 

a baby. 

a cause for happiness and celebration. 

and the conversation from a week ago that lingers in your mind, echoes inside your skull as if those words are the only ones you remember. 

i’m just not ready love, he says, not now. maybe not for another year or two. i don’t know, babies are a lot of work. and i am a lot of work. 

i love you, he says, kissing you deeply and tasting his own cum on your lips. i love you but a baby right now is a hard no. 

nothing in particular spurred this conversation really—just the two of you, naked, and tangled up in the sheets, his hand caressing your lower stomach and you letting yourself daydream. who knew the daydream was indeed reality? and now here you are, head in your hands—partly from the migraine, partly from the anxiety—waiting for him to be back. 

he will change his mind, you know it. matty loves you, and this baby is half you, half him. he will come around and you will be there to soothe his worries. you know he will hear the baby’s heartbeat and fall in love. 

you know he will treat them like the most precious thing in the whole world. 

the thought makes you smile and the door creaks open. 

“pregnant,” he looks at you warily, “what do you mean pregnant?”

the small smile on your face fades away. “pregnant with a baby, matty. what other kind of pregnant is there?”

you wonder if you meant to joke, if he will break character and laugh and everything will be okay again. maybe you just caught him by surprise, this is just a blip. in two more minutes, he will smile and drop down to his knees and kiss your still-flat stomach. he’ll say hello to them. tell them he loves them and then tell you how much he loves you, kissing you gently and pulling you into him. 

you can already feel his feather-light touch on your skin. his mouth lingering on your lower stomach on his way down. 

matty stills in place. 

“no…”

one word, it’s small and broken and so unlike him that you almost do a double-take. 

“what do you mean no?”

“i can’t okay?” his voice rises, “i told you i can’t!”

you can sense the agitation he feels, his hammering heartbeat and the shallowness of his breaths. his hands runs through his hair, spilling the curls everywhere. 

“you’re on the pill.” 

“i think…” you hedge, tears gathering in your eyes, “i think i missed a day.”

he snaps his head up to look at you. when matty first came back to the room, he looked happy and giddy—cheeks pink and hair stuck to his forehead from the sweat. now he looks grey and listless. like all the colour’s been zapped out of him. 

“you missed a day,” he repeats. 

“matty, please…”

but matty is already turning around and storming off to the balcony. through the glass you watch him light a cigarette with shaky hands, taking a deep drag before he tips his head back and blows it out. another drag, another blow. eyes closed. breathing that slowly goes from rapid to normal once again. 

five minutes later, only the stub remains and matty is back in the room. 

“i can’t,” he says firmly. “i told you i wasn’t ready.”

it sounds final. like a death knell. instictively your hand covers your stomach.

“i won’t,” you shake your head and the tears fall rapidly, first down your cheeks then your chin and onto your chest. “i won’t get rid of it.”

matty stares at you quietly, you stare back. it seems you’re at an impasse. 

twenty minutes later, you pack your bags. 

london is greyer than it has ever been, especially from your new flat so far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. not that you’ve had much time to get acquainted with the new area after being bent over the toilet for days on end, retching and heaving until there’s nothing left inside you. a hollowness so deep that no amount of food or water will fill it. 

so you eat strictly for the baby. pre-natal vitamins and supplements and a nutritious breakfast that you throw right back up. but you try. all for the sake of the tiny clump of cells dependent on you. the image of the two red lines has long been replaced with a grainy black and white rectangle. every time you close your eyes, you see the screen lit up with an image of your little bean, moving around. in some far back corner of your mind, you think they look happy.

at night you curl up on your cold bed, phone in hand, the baby’s heartbeat playing on repeat. it used to be his, your brain reminds you painfully. back when you slept all cuddled up with him. head on his chest, his soothing heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

you mother is worried about you. she calls at least thrice a day to make sure you ate every meal and took every pill. she comes every sunday to stock you fridge full of vegetables and fruits and make sure you have enough ginger and peppermint tea. sundays, begrudgingly, become your favourite. your mother, once again, becomes your best friend. 

but you can’t let her move in. can’t let her be a constant presence and drive you crazy and unearth him every chance she gets. so like clockwork, at 6 pm, you usher her out the door, tell her you need privacy and quiet and solitude. like every single time, she promises she’ll be back next sunday. 

and every single time she keeps her word.

one day you wake up to a change—a small one, really, but a change regardless. barely even noticeable at first. it’s your top that doesn’t reach all the way down. maybe it shrunk in the wash, you think. then the full length mirror reminds you of the reality. and the tiny little bump that’s seemingly grown overnight. 

your little bean. suddenly so real. so tangible. so present. 

“hello, little one,” you coo at your stomach, feeling a little silly at first. there’s no reply, of course, just the sounds of morning traffic coming in from the open window. but your eyes stay trained on the bump. “you weren’t so noticeable last night.”

nothing happens. no movement (of course, not. they’re too small for that.), no one appreciating the change with you. matty who should have been here to witness this…

matty who isn’t here to witness this. 

emotions swirl in your head so fast that it’s dizzying. this time there’s no tears falling one by one. there’s the sobs that come all of a sudden and the floodgates that open in the blink of an eye but he is not here to hold you or pull you into his chest when you gasp and gasp for a breath that never comes.

in a panic you dial the first number you can find in your contacts, gasping and yelling out broken sentences and panicking at whoever’s picked up. it’s 8 am on a wednesday, whoever you called must be utterly bewildered. yet when you can focus enough, you realise it’s a man’s voice replying. a familiar voice. shocked and equally panicked and asking you if you’re okay again and again. 

you pull the phone away from your ear and look at the screen. at adam’s name flashing on it. 

the first contact on your list. one starting with an a.

“fuck,” you mumble. “sorry, i’m okay. i’m fine.” and then you hang up, and rock yourself back and forth on the ground until your breaths resemble something normal. 

fifteen minutes later, there’s pounding at your front door and the bell rings incessantly. in your gut you know it’s adam. and it’s confirmed when his voice floats through the door. 

“open the door,” he urges. “i need to know you’re okay.” 

and so you pull yourself back up, harshly wipe away the tears and unlock the front door. 

it’s only been a month since you last saw adam but he looks different. his hair’s grown out, his dark circles are gone and in spite of the worried look on his face, he looks happier somehow. healthier. 

being back home with the love of your life and your baby will do that to you.

“you look well,” you croak out and then clear your throat. adam doesn’t take the bait. 

“do you need me to take you to the hospital? call your gp?” straight to the point as always. you smile at him fondly. 

“no, no i don’t. i’m okay, i promise.”

“you didn’t sound okay.”

“i meant to call my mum, adam. sorry i dialed the wrong number.”

“regardless,” he holds up a hand. “can you please talk to me. or talk to mat—”

“don’t.” the voice that comes out of you is stern. “he doesn’t want me or the baby. i will not let him talk me into an abortion.”

adam winces and rubs a hand over his face. perhaps that was harsh, you think, he’s not some evil villain. but none of it changes the outcome. in every single universe, you end up here—fresh off a panic attack in your living room, talking to your ex-boyfriend’s best friend. 

“how did you know where i live?”

at that he looks a bit sheepish. “i asked you mum. not today!” he reassures hastily when your eyes widen. “don’t worry. i asked her a few days ago. i wanted to… i’ve been meaning to check up on you.”

“and you couldn’t call?” you smile at him wryly. 

“no. i wanted to see you in person.”

“so you can report back to him?”

adam clicks his tongue and warmth fills your chest. he’s always been good to you, always been kind, and loved you like a little sister. you shouldn’t have cut him off like this. 

“no,” he says. “so i could make sure you were okay.”

it’s a small mercy that the morning sickness eases a few days after that as your bump continues to grow. more often than not, you find yourself with a hand on your stomach, drawing small circles on it and humming to it. lately, you’ve also noticed the little flutters that linger long after you stop humming. your baby responding to you. showing you they’re there. 

it’s not far before you approach the twenty week mark. the most important scan you’ll have throughout. you’ll find out the gender, you’ll find out if they’re healthy or not. 

and each time you think about it, it’s like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders. 

the night before you contemplate calling your mum, nervous and panicked once again but it’s almost 11 pm. she would be deep asleep by now—she would be excited too. no need to put a damper on her mood. 

then you wonder if calling adam is a good idea. but you quickly scrap it. 

for the first time in months your finger hovers over the familiar name in your contacts. over the little heart that’s still next to his name that you never bothered to change. 

what will he say if you called him now? will he even pick up?

are you ready enough to brave it? 

the truth still remains. you want this baby, he doesn’t. the same impasse you were at months ago. if any of that had changed, he would have called you. he would have reached out… right?

so instead you do the second stupidest thing. you type up his name in google. 

your stomach churns with nausea or anxiety or just impending doom while the webpage loads—slow, too slow for your liking. or maybe time has simply slowed down and you’re too much of a coward to really face the consequences of your own action. 

the webpage loads. the frown on your face deepens. 

nothing. rather, the last article written about him specifically is from two days after the tour ended. everything after that is either recycled news, or some silly quiz about the band. nothing about him. no pap photos, no social media activity. absolutely nothing to indicate he’s even left his house in the last few months. 

you mind buzzes with all kinds of thoughts, swirls with wicked possibilities. you almost even text adam about it before the turning your phone off abruptly and chucking it to the other side of the bed. 

no more temptation. 

sleep is like a fickle friend—has been since the day you left the hotel room in tears. but you close your eyes and imagine your baby’s heart beating inside you in sync with yours. tomorrow, there will be a new recording to replace the older one. hopefully one that’s stronger. calmer. 

when sleep drags you under around three in the morning, you dream of his hands—fingers gingerly touching your stomach, resting on all the spots that flutter with movement. gentle hands that massage your sore feet and work out the kinks in your back. 

hands that you might never feel on your skin ever again.

the doctor smiles coyly and slides an envelope to your mother. it’s a little hush-hush secret, one she insisted on and begged till you relented. the gender reveal isn’t huge or flashy but you know there’s a cake waiting for you at home along with a few friends and family. and for the first time in months, you let the excitement of it wash over you. 

the scan was perfect! and now you feel a bit bad for clutching your mum’s hand hard enough till she’d winced (even though she hid it quickly and smiled at you in encouragement). so now here you are, thanking the doctor and practically skipping out the room with your mum laughing in tow. 

she looks lighter too, you realise, much more carefree as she gushes about her precious grandbaby and how excited she is to meet them. 

“we have to buy onesies!” she squeals getting behind the wheel and you laugh.

“we will, mum, but they’re going to grow out of it in weeks so you can’t go crazy, okay?”

she dismisses this with a wave and a pfft and you can already imagine the mountain of clothes she’s going to buy over the next twenty weeks. 

you nod off to the sound of your mum excitedly making plans for an elaborate baby shower, one that you’ll have to beg her to tone down, but her voice fades away soon. instead, you dream of him. your subconscious wonders what he would have been like today—maybe he’d cry out of excitement or being overwhelmed, maybe he would smile so wide his cheeks hurt. in some parallel universe the two of you would be in the baby aisle—hand in hand and cooing over tiny onesies. 

in this universe, you jerk out of the daydream just as your mum parks in the driveway. 

your friends and family don’t yell “surprise”, much to your relief. there are many hugs and congratulations. tears of happiness and jokes and then a delicious vanilla cake brought in front of you. 

everyone waits eagerly. no one brings him up. not even you, as you sink the knife into it and cut a slice. 

it’s pink. a gorgeous, pale pink. it’s a girl. 

everyone cheers. your mum hugs you and you sniffle into her shoulder while laughing giddiy. a girl, your baby girl. 

right then you know what you’re going to call her—you don’t need baby name lists on google or a hundred suggestions from your mother. you already know her name. 

mia.

mine and mine alone.

blink and twenty weeks go down to fifteen and ten and then five. each day it seems like you only get bigger and bigger, impossibly so. your life is filled to the brim with baby stuff, inside and out. everywhere you look there’s either a pram or a crib or pregnancy books. every time you get one spare minute you’re reminded of the back aches and sore feet. the constant hunger that just does not seem to go away no matter how much you eat.

your mothers visits increase from only sundays to whole weekends to three days a week. 

at first you protest—fuelled by hunger and hormones and mood swings. fuelled by the rage of a thousand burning stars as you stomp into the living room where she’s folding yet another batch of baby socks and blankets. 

“you’re suffocating me!” you snap, already on the brink of tears while she looks at you like you’ve grown two heads. 

“baby—”

“no! mum,” a deep breath and a few stray tears, “i’m not a baby. i’m having a baby for fucks sake.”

“language!” she scolds.

“stop it, just, please!” there’s not much you can do but stomp your foot like a petulant child. proving her point most likely. “stop acting like i need to be coddled and protected. just. stop!”

your mum looks speechless, too stunned to speak but the ball is rolling and now you cannot stop. 

“i don’t need you here. i don’t need you acting like i would crumble and wither away without you. i don’t need you and i certainly don’t need him—fuck!” you gasp for a breath, choking mid-sentence. 

the second those words spill out of you, you want to take them back but it’s too late. her eyes are already red-rimmed and glossy. one tear rolls down her cheek and that’s all it takes for you to break down completely. 

“fuck!” you repeat. “i’m sorry, mum. i’m so sorry.” that’s the only thing you can chant until she chucks the clothes aside and wraps her arms around you, shushing you the best she can through her own tears. 

for the first time in eight months you wonder about what if. and for the first time in eight months, you think about his words from that night. 

maybe not for another year or two.

you’re closer now to the one year mark that you’re to that night. mia kicks your insides again—her own version of support or maybe it’s her doling out punishment for never introducing her to her dad. either way, it’s not helping. all it does is spread pain throughout your lower body as you hold onto your mum, rocking back and forth. 

“it’s alright, sweetheart,” you mum whispers gently, kissing the crown of your head and cradling you like she used to when you were a kid. it makes your emotions worse. increases the ache tenfold. 

“i miss him, mum,” you admit finally, in a voice so small that you might as well not have spoken. but she hears it anyway. she hears it but doesn’t interrupt. she lets you speak. 

“every single day i wonder if he even gives a shit. or if he regrets leaving me, leaving us. i speak to adam and carly and i wonder if they ever tell him about me. i wonder if he even cares…”

you gulp down air, wiping your nose on the sleeve of your jumper and cuddling into her further. 

“and after everything. i miss him more than anything in this world.”

there it is. the truth, finally out there, finally spilled after months of pretending to be cold and callous. you wait for her to speak, to say something that will dull the pain and release you from this torment but she never gets the chance. 

because that is the moment your daughter decides to make her grand entrance.

it’s pain like you’ve never felt before. 

pain and panic and unadulterated fear. she’s not supposed to be here yet. you’re only 35 weeks pregnant—nowhere near full term. what if this affects her negatively. you blame and blame—first yourself; you must have done something wrong, right? ate something wrong or not taken the right vitamins or slept the wrong fucking way. then you blame matty. if he was here, you would have never been this stressed and unhappy in the first place. everything would have been smooth-sailing. 

and yet a small part of you yearns for him to be here. to brush your sweaty hair away from your forehead instead of your mother as the doctor yells at you to push. 

it’s all too much, all too soon. this is not how it’s supposed to be. this is not how any of this is supposed to be. 

the machines around you beep in a rhythm that’s all worng—it’s too loud and erratic and out of sync with the rest of the world. surely, that’s not how fast your heart’s beating. maybe the beeping is something else you’re unaware of. and yet your body feels hot and cold at the same time. too weak to move but pushing and contracting and tearing you apart from the inside. you’re vaguely aware of the screams that tear out of you, of gripping your mum’s hand so tightly that you worry, you’ve bruised it. 

but she’s strong, stronger than you’ll ever be. she endures and passes along some of that strength to you. 

“one more big push,” the doctor encourages. she’s a kind, middle-aged woman. probably someone who’s brought many babies into this world. she knows what she’s doing. but your body won’t cooperate. 

all you feel is a bone deep exhaustion that tries to drag you under as your mother taps your cheek. 

“a big push, baby,” she repeats. “one big push and her shoulders will be out.”

and that would almost be the end of it, right? so you nod with whatever’s left in you and breathe the way they taught you in birthing classes. 

and that’s how it goes. inhale. hold. exhale. gather strength. push. all of it done to a constant stream of rather futile encouragements. until you feel like you’re bursting at the seams and coming undone. about to unravel any moment. 

but then a tiny cry echoes around the room and the world comes to a standstill.

mia’s arrival changes everything in the blink of an eye. 

you have no time left for self-pity; every waking moment is occupied with feedings and nappy changes and laundry. you sleep when she sleeps, you hold her close every chance you get. you sing her and cradle her and shower her with enough affection for two people. she has you and your mum. she doesn’t need anyone else. 

slowly you let other friends and family visit—extremely selective and protective about who gets the priviledge but one afternoon when adam messages you know you can’t deny that to him. even when you’ve tried to keep him, and all of them by entension, at bay. 

in another universe, she would have been his goddaughter. you’re sure of it. 

so you let him and carly and their son visit, let them hold her and gush over her. carly instantly falls in love with her, cradling her close and trying to make her smile even though she’s just woken up. mia babbles at her and grabs her shiny necklace. 

you watch them transfixed, giggling at carly’s squeals and coos until adam asks if he could speak to you alone. 

“i don’t want to step over a boundary,” he starts and you know what’s coming but you let him continue. “have you thought about letting him know? that she’s already here…”

“i…” in all honesty, you had wondered if you should call him and let him know. but what if he still doesn’t care. “i didn’t. i couldn’t.”

adam’s face softens. “he’s back in london, you know? you could. you could try.”

that piques your interest. you hadn’t knows he’d left in the first place. “he’s back?”

adam takes a deep breath, eyes darting slightly and lingering on his wife as if he’s trying to steel himself. as if he has some news he’d rather not share. in the end however, maybe he chooses not to.

“yes, he’s back,” he says, trying and failing not to sound cagey. “he wasn’t until now. but if you would talk to him… just, i think you should talk to him.”

for the rest of their visit, his words linger in your mind. they stay even after the hanns leaving, promising another visit whenever you’re free next and you tell them they’re welcome any time. this time, you even mean it from the bottom of your heart.

but adam’s words come back to haunt you day after day as mia continues to grow. day after day you watch her learn about new things and figure out new stuff around her.

matty should be here. if not for him then for her. and once again you wonder about calling him.

one last chance. if he ignores this then he loses the right to his daughter forever.

so one tuesday morning, you gather the courage. you strap your baby to your chest and go downstairs to make some pancakes.

“after breakfast, darling,” you tell her, even though those words aren’t meant for her. “after breakfast we’ll call him again. maybe he will pick up. maybe he won’t.”

mia babbles when you kiss her head and flip a pancake, ignoring the worry that settles in the pit of your stomach. you’re so focused on the task at hand (rather, at ignoring the thoughts of impending doom) that you almost miss the doorbell that rings once and then again.

so focused that you have to scramble to wash your hands and rush to the door. maybe it’s your mum again, even though she wasn’t supposed to come today. it won’t be her first surprise visit, though. she misses her granddaughter far too much for that.

in a hurry you open the door, without even thinking about it twice. without even bothering to unstrap your daughter from your chest.

matty’s familiar face comes into view and for the second time in three months, the world comes to a standstill.

lemme know what you think <33

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[hannya-writes]

When they saved you from a brothel (Luffy Edition)

Title: We can satiate your Hunger

Fandom: One Piece

Pairing: Luffy x prostitute!Reader

Other characters: None really

Category: adventure? Romance maybe? It's just Luffy being Luffy (?)

Warnings: Mention of slavery, violence, sex, I think... I'm not sure, but nothing explicit I guess. There's no smut in here, walk away, horny people!! (No wait come back!!)

Author's note: This is situated 6 years in the future because Idk, I wanted an older Luffy, at least when I wrote it I had that in mind but you can imagine this however you want! Also, this story was wrote with a female reader in mind.

You didn't started working there because you wanted.

When you were 15 your Mother/Father were sick and you wanted to help them.

You started cleaning the floors, washing dishes, serving the woman who needed help with make up or hairstyles.

The owner of the place tried to make you work for them as a prostitute, but you didn't wanted to.

So they started to pay less, at first just some berries. But those berries lost made you unable to pay for your parent medicine.

After a month without the medicine your parent started to feel worst and worst.

And like a balm, the brothel owner offered you a loan, just the right amount for the medicine.

And you thought the owner was a good person, that you would be able to pay back.

But one day some one robbed you and the owner give you more money.

In another occasion someone stole your clothes as it was drying in the sun, the owner gave you money to buy yourself some clothes.

You couldn't pay the owner back and somehow the loan got bigger and bigger until it became an impossible amount.

Then the owner offered a deal: You could pay working for them as a prostitute or he could turn you to the police for stealing.

That time there was no room for you to say no.

Since then they gave you a room, nice clothes and even a maiden to help you with everything you needed.

Close to no clothes, very tight clothes or the worst: Lingerie and a silk robe.

And you do what you are forced to do.

There are clients that are gentle but there are those who get violent, who creep you out, who enjoy when you say no.

It's a nightmare so you try to escape. At first you sneak out but get caught.

Then you jump from the window of your room, but the guards save you from a sure death.

When they realize that you are trying to kill yourself they start to drug you.

And that's the worst because then you can't leave, you need the drug if you don't have your dosage you start to feel ill. You feel like dying but without dying.

And then you just… give up.

Luffy

Luffy was not supposed to be there, he wasn't looking to get laid. However in the facade said "Pleasure house, we satiate your hunger"

So he entered, because he was hungry.

He just needed food since he got lost after a couple of hours after getting on the island.

They were there only to supply the ship with food and some other things needed. 

Luffy being Luffy decided to explore and eventually got lost.

He saw the sign in the facade and entered. He sat there, asked for food and they served him some snacks and pineapple. Why were they giving him that? He didn't ask, it was food.

He saw you and… and nothing happened, because Luffy can't fall in love just from seeing a pretty face, he had seen the most beautiful woman alive naked and that didn't phase him.

However when the women of the house saw him, they started to throw themselves over him, they smiled and rubbed themselves on him but he didn't mind.

Since Luffy didn't pay attention to them, the women slowly, very slowly left him alone.

As you were serving wine to a client one of your friends let you know you could take a break. So you did.

Luffy can look like and act stupid, but he's good with social cues.

He notices the difference between the looks of the other woman and the way you looked at him at that moment.

Your eyes shine, there's a little smile in your painted lips… and your intentions, your intentions feel different. You didn't have lust in your eyes.

You were smiling because you found him cute and it was funny how he was eating all the snacks possible.

"Enjoying your food?" You ask him sitting by his side in the bar.

"Yeah, it's good," he answered while chomping on some meat.

"That's Lamb, it's very tender and juicy. You can try it with this" you handed him some sauce and he looked at you, directly to your eyes as if looking into your soul.

And he does, he actually sees through you and chooses to take your advice.

He hums in delight as he tries the meat with the sauce. He loves it. 

That makes you giggle. You like how expressive he is.

"I'll leave you to your food" you told him and he nodded as you walked away.

Luffy followed you with his gaze for a moment before going back to his food.

Moments later the bartender started berating him about eating as if it was a restaurant.

Which only made Luffy ask "is this not a restaurant?"

"Of course not, this is a pleasure house!"

"But it says you can satisfy my hunger"

You giggled because there was no failure in his logic.

"Listen, if you are not taking one of our girls, we can't keep giving you food"

Luffy's hunger was so big he pointed at you like a toddler and say "I'll take her"

Suddenly you were in a room with a man who hadn't presented himself, who hadn't tried to get your attention and chose you out of the blue. Not only that he had taken away your break.

"You are rude, mister," you told him, seeing how he steadily ate everything.

"I'm no mister" he let you know with a mouthful of meat. "I'm Luffy"

You looked at him, having a feeling you had heard that name before. Thinking about it gave you a headache, but it also gave you the idea you had seen his face before.

But then again, you saw many men every day, hovering over you, calling your name. The faces blurred over time. Maybe you had served him before.

"I'm Y/n" you presented yourself looking at him ate. It made you think that maybe he had a weird fetiche with eating in front of women. 

But he wasn't actually paying attention to you.

"Can I do something for you?" You asked, noticing that he had gotten fatter than before. Was that even possible?

You had seen him before, he had a lean body with nice muscles, six pack, and an attractive chest. He was a total hotty.

"What are you?" You asked surprised by what you were seeing.

"A gum gum man!" He said 

"A what now?"

"I ate a devil fruit"

You looked at him mouth agape.

"I can stretch like gum!" He said and stretched one of his arms to put it over your head, ruffling your hair.

"What is a devil fruit? How do you do that? We're did you find that?" You were so surprised and saw him with such wonder that made Luffy look at you as if you were a weird bug.

"How do you not know that?" He asked "everyone knows about devil fruits" 

You looked down embarrassed. You couldn't tell him the truth: You were being drugged and had lost parts of your memories, that faces blurred and the drug helped you forget the worst parts of your job.

"I just don't" you admitted but Luffy noticed your change in demeanor, so he solved your questions as he ate.

And when he got satisfied, he stood up, went to bed and fell asleep.

Now if he didn't want to have sex it was up to him, he was paying for your time anyway.

You laid in bed by his side and pinched his cheek and stretched it a little. It was funny. Looking after him you fell asleep.

2 hours later you woke up by the side of him but he wasn't fat anymore, he had the same toned body from when he entered the pleasure house.

You could touch it if you wanted, not everyday you had the luxury of having such a pleasure.

But instead of touching his very appealing body, your hand went through his hair, combing his soft black hair back.

His face was as attractive as the rest of his body but you enjoyed combing his hair, it gave you a warm sensation in your chest, a warmness that had nothing to do with sex.

"You're cute" he suddenly said and you noticed he was awake.

"Am I?" You teased caressing his face, slowly moving to his lips.

"But you know that" he added and you made a pout.

"I have to look good if I want clients" you said without thinking.

"Nee, why you do this?" Luffy said furrowing his eyebrows.

"What do you mean?" You stopped combing his hair and it was his turn to pout like a child.

"Keep playing with my hair" he said, taking your hand to put on his head. 

"Please" he added when you giggled at his order.

"Fine, but answer the question"

"You don't seem happy here, why do you stay?" Luffy asked as you combed his hair. You doubted for a moment

"I can't leave, I'm a slave" you stated with seriousness.

"a slave? But you are not in shackles" he frowned and you saw him for the first time as the man he was.

"Some people don't need shackles to be slaves" his face showed annoyance and you didn't like it, you liked him more when he smiled so you straddled him and bent down to kiss him.

His lips were soft and tasted like the pineapple he had eaten. Your tongue explored his mouth and he let you, barely moving his own tongue.

You separated to take a breath, thinking he had forgotten the topic.

"Are you comfortable being a slave?" He asked and you saw him surprised by how ineffective that kiss had been.

"I don't remember freedom," you confessed.

"What?" He was so perplexed it made you smile 

"They make me take a drug that makes me forget things, I've forgotten my past"

He placed a hand on your cheek and his thumb made the motion of cleaning a tear, even if you weren't crying.

"You need help" he said and you laughed

"I have asked for help, I can remember it but I can feel it" 

"Ask for my help"

"Can you help me?" You asked with apprehension 

"I'm a pirate, I can do whatever I want!" He stated so confidently that made you giggle, it was like hearing a child but the man in front of you seemed to be in his early 20's

"Then take me away" you asked softly, playing along with him, voicing your real dreams out loud "I want to be a pirate and collect a handful of earth from every island in the world!" You stated confidently knowing you would probably forget about all of this.

"Why do you want a handful of earth? that's weird!" he said and you laid back by his side with your head in his chest only to extend a hand towards the ceiling, making a fist.

"Because then I'll have proof of every place I've been! There will be proof that I lived! Even if I forget, there will be proof of my actions!"

"It's weird tho!" He said and you laughed.

"You make me want to be free" you added.

"Then we should go!" He said standing suddenly like a spring.

His arm suddenly grew longer and wrapped around your waist before putting you over his shoulder.

"What the…?" Before you ended the sentence Luffy started running.

You panicked as he punched his way out of the pleasure house.

Luffy on the other side was laughing.

From the perspective of your friends, coworkers and clients, you were being kidnapped.

Only that when you were out of the pleasure house he ran back in.

Seconds later people started running away. Your friend, the staff, the bodyguards half beaten to death. In a couple of minutes everyone has left and a gigantic fist pierced the building making it crumble.

"Y/n! Let's go!" Luffy said as he came out of the clouds of dust.

"Luffy, that was awesome" you said, impressed by what you had just witnessed.

"Yeah, they deserve it, now where are the docks?"

"Oi Luffy! I told you not to go too far away!!" An angry woman yelled from the deck of a pirate ship when you got closer.

"We got just in time" Luffy announced as he jumped aboard carrying you bridal style and the red head looked at you with a questioning eyebrow.

'oh shit, is this the girlfriend?' you thought to yourself.

"Nee, Captain, who is this?" She asked as Luffy put you down.

"She's our new nakama, her name is Y/n" He said, putting you down.

"Nice to meet you, " you said, bowing to her.

 "Oi, Luffy, why did you destroy that building?" A man with a long nose asked, making you jump at his sudden apparition.

"I'll tell you later, where is Chopper? I need him to check on Y/n" Luffy and the reindeer came out of his office leaving you speechless.

"Chopper we got a patient!" Someone guided you to the reindeer.

"Oh! Right… Y/n should I get a handful or earth!?" Asked Luffy with a shout making you turn towards him. He was smiling so widely that it was contagious.

"Yes, Luffy, Thank you!"

• • •

Coming soon: Zoro Edition

[clus444]

Remake (L&D)

Sylus x Black! Reader

I hope this is a better part one. Though my tag says black reader my work is for all. There's just not enough support for my fellow POCs. I have more ideas for fics as well. So when I get the part two out, I will be doing more characters.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

R-I'm here. 8:00 pm

R-Are you coming late? 8:30pm

*Missed call*

R-I told them to wait for you come.

Are you? 8:50 pm

*Missed call*

My leg bounces nervously as I wait for Sylus to respond. Maybe I shouldn't have spammed his messages. I hope it doesn't come off as desperate. I glance at the time on my phone and sigh heavily as I start to feel annoyed. I toy with Sylus's brooch that he gifted in case he wasn't with me. It reminds me of our time together.

R- are you ok? 9:00pm

I stand angrily from the table and I put down a tip for the inconvenience. There has to be a reasonable explanation, he wouldn't just ditch me like this, right? When I step outside I notice that the air feels heavier and smells of rain. I decide to walk the distance to his house. Although dangerous I slightly hope something will happen so I can beat my anger and concern out.

*20 minutes laterrr*

Knock Knock!

I shiver as the rain continuously falls down." Sylus! open up," I plead through the black and heavy door. Shivers wrack through my body as I stand here. I knock again rapidly before hugging myself. I pray to whoever is listening that Sylus is here. My red fiery dress clings to my body as I soak in the rain.

The door swings open and I waste no time coming in. He shuts the door as I turn to face him and check him over. I angrily push him back when I see he's fine," Where the hell were you?" He cocks an eyebrow and then walks past me to his living room. He sits down and manspreads and looks me up and down. I feel my heart picking up speed, something telling me to stop and turn around.

"I had some...business to take care of, kitten," He says coldly and nonchalantly. I feel my eye twitch at his response. Thats all? After I embarrassed myself and sat waited for him. I guess it's not surprising that I waited as that seems to be all I do lately. His uncaring attitude towards the situation breaks my heart slightly. It feels like a pocket knife went through it. '' Did you forget our date? I've been texting you all night! Yet, here you are perfectly fine and no excuse but work," I question him bitterly.

" You know my line of work. These instances can't be helped-" Annoyance comes across his face as I cut him off abruptly.

"Instances, that's what I am to you? A fucking instance! You act like our time together meant nothing," I stalk up closer to him with clenched fists. I feel my eyes water but ill be damned if I allow them to fall. Fuck whatever it is that makes me cry when I'm angry. Fuck my heart for feeling something for this no-good, down dog-

"Did you think something else? I think it's obvious that you're having a... memory problem. From the beginning I said no relationships," he stands from the couch to tower over me. His eyes glow red but I can tell he's holding back. I know that he would never hurt me physically but, I can't say the same for him emotionally. He smirks, "Why don't we just put your anger to good use in the bedroom."

He says one thing but his actions say another. This game of tag or whatever we're playing feels exhausting. When did I become so weak, especially to a man? (Or demon the game doesn't say) Out of everyone to toy with, why me? Why make me fall helplessly in love with your actions, mind, body, and soul. Why give me just enough to keep me here, but not enough to leave. Questions I'll never get an answer to.

" Don't act so dim, Sylus. It's not in your nature," I bite back. Although a weak retort, a retort nonetheless.

"Dim?," he steps closer, and my breath hitches," Dim is you acting like something more than petty fucking is going on. Dim is believing that I would want something more. Dim is you running to me for love when you can't find it in someone else." Scratch the pocket knife, a katana has carved out my heart and chopped it into little pieces.

I step back from him. This beautiful white-haired man with eyes of rubies and, a body sculpted from god himself is truly ugly on the inside. I shake my head in disbelief as the dam in my eyes breaks. I bite my lower lip to keep a sob from coming out. I unpin the brooch on my dress and throw it at his face. He quickly catches it and narrows his eyes at me.

" Ok," I say simply though my voice wavers and I rush out of his house to leave. The rain pours heavy on me but I can't seem to care when the man I love calls me a fool for loving him. Maybe I am. It's always been my nature to love hard and not let go. Maybe I am desperate. For something real, for something genuine, for something... safe. Maybe people like me are destined to be alone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love interacting as well I'm just slow to it.

-xoxox Author

Next part

Masterlist

[mxtxfanatic]

Book of the Week: Married Thrice to Salted Fish

Author: Bikabi (比卡比)

Genre: transmigration, ancient setting, danmei

Rating: M (for fade-to-black sexy times)

My Synopsis: Are you ready to cry your eyes out over a plot point you can guess from the literal title? Well grab your tissues and step right up to meet our main character: Lin Qingyu, a man who thinks the worst thing that can happen to him is being forced to marry a terminally ill young master who claims to be from another world and also to have the ability to be reborn into different people. Journey with him as he wades through court and courtyard politics, wielding his genius in medicine in order to protect himself from remaining a pawn of the royal family—and struggles with the practical knowledge that all the power and medical expertise in the world cannot stop death.

My Actual Review: Yes it’s literally in the title and official synopsis that the LI is gonna die a few times. Yes I cried every time, anyways; what of it? The story can be split into two interweaving plots: 1) Lin Qingyu fighting his way into becoming a physician against the interference of multiple royal family members and 2) the main couple falling in love as the LI works in between deaths to help Lin Qingyu achieve his dream instead of meeting his end as some book’s minor cannon fodder villain. This feels like a lot, but it works really well because Lin Qingyu, who the story focal point sticks with, still has things to do while the LI is… indisposed, so to speak. He’s not just waiting around for the LI to be reborn, and the story doesn’t stop or skip around to the LI’s return since the romance is not the only story focus. However, that doesn’t mean that the romance takes a backseat or is unimportant: each death brings the main characters closer as a couple, and each new life gives them new ways to work together as a well-oiled machine—which also makes the deaths hit especially hard despite readers knowing it’s coming.

On another note, this book has a lot of extras, to the point where they almost start to feel like too much of nothing? Especially since it just takes our cast and punts them into the modern world with no rhyme or reason (or sending them back), but they’re cute if you just mentally think of it as a modern au of the main story, for all intents and purposes.

Translation: complete

[vaguesxrrow]

Heyy, I was wondering if you could write one of niko from dbd with a nb ghost character? With the prompt 'kissing to make them stop talking' xoxo

ty for the request !! im actually kind of proud of this one so show it some extra love please guysss

niko/nonbinary!ghost reader

prompt: 27. kissing them to make them stop talking

tags: nonbinary!reader, ghost!reader

wc: 1,333

a/n: i got kind of carried away with this, but i really love niko :')

two times you had to kiss niko to get her to stop talking, and one time she had to do the same to you.

1:

you emerged from the wall into niko's room, nose deep in a book you thought would help with your current case - niko's input on your research would be valuable. you looked up from the pages to find edwin and niko in the corner, engaged in an apparently heated conversation.

"i am not telling them!" niko hissed at edwin.

"and that is your decision." edwin rolled his eyes. "i am simply saying they would never reject you-"

"ahem," you cleared your throat. "uh, hey guys."

niko squeaked.

weird. she had never been caught off guard by the whole ghost-materialising-from-the-wall thing before.

"hello," edwin greeted."i- uh, i remembered i have a lead to follow up on. i'll be back." he shot a wide-eyed look at niko before he strode out, going through the wall as well. she had no reaction to his method of travel - just a slightly panicked look in his direction. maybe you should warn her next time.

"oookay," you drawled. "guess it's just you and me, niko. not that i'm complaining." you smiled at her sincerely.

she seemed to be panicking more and more, to your confusion.

"niko... you didn't get another case of supernatural parasites, did you?" you asked, half joking and half seriously concerned.

"i need to tell you something!"

"shit, did you get another parasitic infection?" you crossed the room in three big strides and planted your hands firmly on her shoulders, tilting your head as you inspected her form for any signs of illness. "you look a bit flushed. are you burning up?"

"no!" niko cried. "i mean, i may be a bit flushed, but it's not because i have parasites. i've googled the symptoms of supernatural parasites - generally, there'd be more fluids coming out of my mouth and maybe evn tremors. which, now that i say it out loud, don't they seem like symptoms of a crush, as well?" she bit her lip. "okay, i'm just gonna say it - you make me feel like i have parasites."

"uhh. what?"

she continued speaking. "as in, you make me feel warm inside, and the warmth is so... warm that it makes my face heat up. and my legs go weak around you, and i have definitely fantasised about you catching me in your arms when i fall. or saving me when i'm about to die horrifically. basically, what i'm trying to say is i like like you, and maybe even lo-"

your hands were still on her shoulders, which made it easy for you to pull her into a kiss. being a ghost, you couldn't physically feel it, but if asked, you would've said that your first kiss with niko felt like warmth and weak legs. sunshine and thawing trees. when you finally pulled back, niko was staring at you in shock, lips parted and head cocked to the side.

"yes, niko," you said, answering her silent question. "you make me feel like i have parasites, too."

2:

"i have something for you!"

niko had made that admission nervously, blurting it out right before shutting the door in your face. you could've walked right through it, but instead you stood there waiting. like an idiot.

you stared at the cartoon faces on the poster stuck to niko's door.

"do you know what she has for me?" you mumbled at them.

2 minutes passed. you heard muttering and pacing, and the aggravated yelling of niko's sprites from within the room, but you couldn't make out what they were saying. you wanted to say 'fuck it' and just go in, but what if it was a surprise? you didn't want to ruin it for your girlfriend.

finally, the door flew open, revealing a flustered niko. "hi," she breathed.

"...hi?" you said. "is everything okay-"

she thrusted a box at you. it was clearly diy-ed in a very much niko sasaki fashion; a hand-crafted paper box with cute drawings of flowers and love hearts on it, complete with a sparkly bow on the top.

"aww, niko, this is so cute!" carefully, you took the box from her. "can i open it?"

she nodded quickly.

gently, you pried it open. the inside was just as thoughtfully made as the outside. a folded satin cloth sat inside, and on top of it were two silver rings. you picked one of them up to inspect; engraved on its surface was a skeleton hand, fingers poised up as if ready to make a pinky promise. as you presumed, the second ring had a corresponding engravement. you grinned.

"they're promise rings!" niko interjected. "they're supposed to symbolise a commitment to each other, and loyalty, devotion, and dedication. and, the reason why i'm giving you this is because, well, i really like you, and i like being with you. i don't know if we're there yet, or if you'd want to wear it, but i want to commit, because after the dandelion sprites thing, i realised i could die horrifically at any time, and i just don't want to die horrifically without you knowing how much i lo-"

you took a step forward and kissed her.

"niko," you said slowly, as you slipped the rings onto both your fingers. "i will never take this ring off."

3:

furniture crashed behind you. it was such a shame, you thought. this house was so adorably vintage. you couldn't believe it was inhabited by a giant, enchanted spider that was also murderous.

everything in the house was enchanted - you and niko knew that before going in. apparently, a witch had died in there during a spell gone wrong, and the magic seeped into the very structure of the house. one thing you didn't account for was the house's creepy crawly population also being affected.

you stumbled, but niko yanked you upright again. she tugged you along into the living room, both of you breathing heavily. too out of breath for words, you pointed to a cupboard and wordlessly pulled her inside, shutting the door behind you and jamming the doorknob with a broom.

an even worse discovery was that the mirrors were also spelled, so you couldn't even travel through them. you couldn't keep niko safe. niko, who was currently screaming at the top of her lungs as you both ran down the stairs. the spider skittered down the steps, hot on your heels until you turned a corner down the last flight to the ground floor.

the spider was very loudly wreaking havoc outside. niko surveyed the cupboard; it appeared to be a storage unit for cleaning supplies. she picked up a large canister of something. "will this help?"

"niko," you whispered. "niko." you took her by the wrist. "listen. you're always talking about how you may die horrifically, and i've never wanted to think about it because i care about you too much, but in case you do, and it's because of me, i just wanted to say that you are the best person i know. you really are the best out of all of us, and you make me feel so special inside like no one ever has before. becoming a ghost, i thought i'd be cold forever, but you're so bright, and warm, and i guess what i'm saying is i lo-"

niko kissed you. it wasn't the strongest of kisses, because running for your life was bound to take a toll on energy levels, but you felt the affection in it all the same.

she pulled away, just as a sinewy leg splintered through the cupboard door. you both shrieked as the wood was torn down bit by bit, and the beady eyes of the overgrown spider stared at you.

suddenly, it reared back as a spray of white, foamy stuff hit it in the face.

niko was holding out the canister, courageously spraying the spider with whatever was inside. eventually, it shriveled down, until it was reduced to a small, twitching creature. you stared at her incredulously.

"bug spray," she said, shrugging.

you exhaled. "i love you."

hehe notice how they didnt get to say i love you till the end??

[cygninae]

You said you like Stranger Things in one of your asks, who's your favourite character? Also which character do you personally most relate to and which character do you find the most interesting and/or complex (and please feel free to elaborate in great detail!)

Hello, thank you for the ask! This is such a hard question but I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.

If I had to choose, my favourite character is probably Nancy. I mean, she's just really cool. I love how she's evolved over the seasons and how it reflects on her physical character design (hair, costume, etc). I love how she interacts with the people around her because it is so interesting. For example, in the fight she has with Jonathan in S3, she is trying to show him the misogyny she's been facing and is getting extremely frustrated at him for not seeing it, but at the same time she is blind to the classism he's facing and his difficulties with his poverty. She didn't have ill intentions, she just felt so so strongly that she became sort of tunnel-visioned. I love her passion, how she sees everything around her with a need for justice, how everything is worth her time because she wants to know things. I LOVE that her career goal is a journalist because I could truly see her thriving in that when she finds a niche. I can't wait for her to leave Hawkins and go to university and find herself because she has this potential, this spark that makes her so unique from the other characters to me. Whenever she's on screen it's HER scene, you know.

Funnily enough, the character I would say I relate most to is Jonathan. Or kind of a mix between him and Nancy. He also has this immense passion, like Nancy, but his is like a precise volt of energy into his photography and he hides this passion beneath a dark exterior that he hopes will ward people off. I may be a terrible photographer, but I relate to the concentration of all of your fervency into this one part of life that gives you a sense of being needed. Jonathan needs to feel needed. We can see that in how he's falling off the rails in S4, because his brother doesn't really need him anymore - Will is growing up, Nancy is busy in a whole other state, El has Will and Joyce - and Jonathan is lost without being needed by these people, so he turns to weed for an escape because it stops him thinking. (BIG FUCKING RELATE).

I fucking love Jonathan. I need him to catch a break because he's been through so much. Anyway, I'm not sure what else I can say about him, because there is SO much. I could make another post about Jonathan if anyone would be interested - I could make it far more organised than this.

You also asked who I found most fascinating, but I suppose I've sort of covered that, so I'll just ramble on a bit about some pairings I like? (You invited this I'm afraid.)

As one may guess I absolutely love Jonathan and Nancy. I don't think their relationship is the healthiest but that doesn't stop me being obsessed with everything about their pairing and the aesthetic of it. I think daily about that scene of them lining up their scars. What they want through was unique to them and they found themselves in each other when the trauma made them feel alone. They wound themselves together because all of their pain was reflected in eachother - and while that's not a great reason to start dating, I truly think they fell in love with eachother as they did this, and I can't blame them for wanting to find the slightest bit of comfort after what they went through. I love how dark and twisted the reason for their love is. I love how softly they hold eachother despite it. I love how they talk about the other when they're not there, how despite all of the darkness in their lives, they're eachother's anchor to the real world. I love how their career goals line up, the journalist and the photojournalist, and I love how Nancy brings Jonathan's passion out of him and let's him show it in front of her without being afraid of being judged, and he let's her follow her dreams, her thirst for knowledge, even if it means him losing the one girl who makes his life worth living. He's willing to leave her life if it means she can live it fully.

Anyway, some other dynamics I like are Will and Mike - romantically, Lucas and Max - romantically and Will and El - sibling dynamic. I really do hope Mike and Will can get together in the final season, because I think it would draw the show to this really nice close. Yes, the freak can have his true love. He can be loved because he is a freak, he is different - they're both different, but with eachother they're Kings of the world. Society's expectations don't matter when they have eachother.

With Max and Lucas, they are just so sweet. Lucas might not fully understand Max's depression and grief, but he wants to understand it. Something about that complete devotion, even when Max isn't being herself, just pulls at my heart. I really want an unconditional love like that. Max might've thought that Lucas was changing, that he wouldn't care about her after becoming popular - but then he's there, when she's almost died because of Vecna, and he's telling her I'm here, i'm here, I'm here, and he's holding her so tight that she can feel that he won't let anything happen to her. They are just like... soulmates. Seriously. They fit together like puzzle pieces and they NEED eachother. I really, really hope Max is cognitive in S5 because I need her and Lucas to just talk to eachother and hold hands and be teenagers in love despite the world falling apart around them. Yeah.

Sorry if I didn't make much sense, once again i wrote this all with no structure and just spoke my mind so it may seem disjointed. Hope I answered your question though and made it a bearable enough read.

[crossdressingdeath]

Astarion: You're - you're here. Thank goodness, I was worried about you. You looked a little ill last night, but you've certainly recovered. Kyvir: Ill? You killed me! Astarion: 'Killed' feels like a strong word. Not many corpses have your vigour. Now, I admit, I got carried away last night. I apologise. But look at you now - perfectly healthy! So let's not fall out over this. We still need each other, after all. Kyvir: You're right, unfortunately. I can't lose any allies. Astarion: That's the spirit! A team once again. And of course, what happened last night shall never be repeated. Kyvir: And the next time you get hungry? Who will you bite then? Astarion: No innocents, you have my word. Only villains that we need to kill anyway. After all, you know what I am now. I can fight with all my weapons - teeth included. And if I happen to drain the occasional bandit during a fight, what's the harm? They're just as dead. Kyvir: Look, I'm not against you feeding on me, but only if we talk about it first. Astarion: Of course! That sounds eminently reasonable. I shall wait patiently until you suggest we... dine together. But until then: no more late-night surprises, you have my word on that.

Stop, they're so funny. I love how on being resurrected you can immediately go over to Astarion like "My dude the fuck." I also love how no one else in the party comments on how you fully died? What, did they not notice? I used Astarion's Scroll of Revivify, so maybe no one else did see.

I do think that Astarion was actually worried. He didn't mean to kill the group leader! And it is entirely possible that he legitimately didn't realize he'd killed you at first; he would've been a bit distracted, it might have taken some time for him to notice. Which honestly makes it even funnier that when you confront him about it he's like "Oh well killed is a strong word... You're fine now... It doesn't even matter..." Astarion's tendency to try to talk his way out of things with his 10 charisma is consistently fantastic and this is one of the times where it's funny rather than deeply sad. Also I'm gonna have to make a character at some point who'll just punch him. Punching him is an extremely fair response to him draining you dry after promising that he'll only take a teeny tiny bit of your blood. Kyvir's too much of a freak for that, but maybe when I make another Durge to kiss Gale with... It'd be great if there was an option to make a snarky comment when he promises that what happened last night will never happen again, just because he also promised that he'd only take a little bit of blood and look what happened!

I also love how even if Astarion kills you you can still agree to let him drink from you when you say he can going forward despite how grudging your forgiveness for the killing has to be. "I mean yeah you murdered me and fuck you for that, but I guess if you want my blood that's fine!" You'd expect that to be a deal-breaker, but nah, it's all cool here!

[magicofthepen]

The Ryans Reread: In Sea-Salt Tears

Hi hello I love Elizabeth Ryan a Normal Amount!

These ramblings are cross posted from my Liz Ryan reread thread in the October Daye Discord server.

I had discussions with a couple people about In Sea-Salt Tears in the thread, but these notes are just messages I sent—my initial reactions to the story on reread. And I reference other Liz appearances, especially Drown the Lamenting!

“We know that, while we may love the ocean, the ocean doesn’t love us.” / “We know that we, among all the fae, are temporary and flawed….” 

me @ the Luidaeg, always: You fucked up a perfectly good descendant race, is what you did. 

(to be fair, that’s just most characters @ the Luidaeg)

but it sure was a Choice to revive your descendant race via a group of people you Made Sure grew up thinking they’re lesser and not worthy and hated (by you)…..

~

“I miss her every day, and the worst of it? The worst of it is that she never existed.” 

See, this is fascinating to me because it’s not true, but it is complicated. Cousin Annie was always a mask of sorts, but so is the sea witch, and both guises enable her to do thing she can’t do when she’s being the other one. There was genuine, honest vulnerability that Liz got to see from her that very, very few people do. There was also so much withheld context. 

But I don’t think Liz ever understands to what degree the Luidaeg was honest with her—which makes sense! How is she to know what was true and what was a lie? So it falls into the category of “things that would be nice for the Luidaeg to explain, if she ever manages to stop being an asshole to Liz.”

~

“Mathias had beer. Mathias always had beer — his parents were Canadian, and they’d been letting him drink since he was fourteen, the lucky stiff. Colin had the weed.” 

I so want to know if this is actually intended to be Mathias from The Unkindest Tide and Colin from A Local Habitation. I know the wiki says that the Colins are the same, but his backstory in ALH doesn’t work with this story—but is that just a continuity issue? It’s hard to believe that there would be two Selkies with the same name at the same time, even if the Selkies overall reuse names…..

also Colin is the weed guy in both ALH and ISST. 

Mathias’s backstory also contradicts if it’s meant to be the same one, bc he’s meant to live on the same coast and be part of Roan Rathad in this one, but if I can headcanon that he was just temporarily living with another clan to see what it’s like over there, I really want him to be the same guy. It’s much more fun if these other Selkies were all part of the same teen friend group as Liz 😄

~

cw: discussion of suicide 

“Former Selkies almost never stay within sight of the sea. The ones who do always wind up drowning when the need to go back to the sea gets to be too much for them.”

oof at the high risk of suicide among Selkies that pass their skins. (I have a lot of feelings in general about mental illness in the Selkie clans and the ways that we see it be normalized or ignored.)

end warning

~ The schism between Selkies and Selkiekin is so intense, and yet there’s such a sense of collective family identity, it’s so interesting. And it really does make you feel for the clan leaders, and how they are responsible for everyone and making sure everyone’s being taken care of, but they are also Selkies and thus firmly on one side of that divide, where their Selkiekin cousins are concerned.

The whole thing of Liz not knowing if she’ll ever get a skin, despite being an only child, and presumed heir is somewhat confusing?? Although we do see a great-grandmother passing a skin to a great-grandchild in this story, skipping over her children and grandchildren, some of whom might not even be alive anymore? 

So I guess she can’t expect that one of her parents will pass their skin to her generation, because they could decide to live a lot longer—Daisy’s great-grandmother was three hundred. 

(Interesting that some folks still do wait a while, and possibly have their children outlive them.)

~

“What are you?” said Mathias bluntly. Tempe hissed for him to be quiet. He ignored her.

It really is infinitely funnier if this is the same Mathias. 😄

~ When I first read this story, it truly caught me by surprise that Liz is only sixteen when she meets Annie. 🥺

~ what Annie is pretending to be—a Selkiekin Roane changeling—is what Diva actually is. at least Liz can be reasonably confident Diva will transform (based on what Aldridge said), she won’t be denied the same way (Liz thinks) Annie was. but still interesting in the context of those seven years when Diva existed, but Liz didn’t know who Annie was yet.

~

“Someone had to stay and keep an eye on the children. The older cousins would relieve us around midnight, and then I could run.” 

again, that whole “we take care of each other” ethos, everyone is meant to pitch in with looking after the kids. and even when Liz does Not want to be on duty, she doesn’t consider ditching her family responsibilities, she’s just looking forward to being off shift.

~

“[Annie] would have nothing but this: empty kitchens and watching cousins walk into the waves when she had to stay on the shore.”

the way Liz is actually Not Wrong about this…..

(except it’s by choice)

~

“Yeah, well.” Colin frowned, keeping his arm around my shoulders. It seemed suddenly like he was smothering me, but I couldn’t figure out how to step away without insulting him. It was clear that he saw Annie as a threat. I just didn’t know why. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing too.”

Colin at the Convocation of Consequences has the dawning realization that he was in a brief teenage love triangle with the sea witch 😄

(sorry buddy you were never gonna win that one, she’s a lesbian)

~

“[Annie] didn’t judge me because of what I did or didn’t have. She never would.”

oh noooo Liz is so painfully wrong about that 😭

it’s not that she doesn’t care if Liz has a skin or not, it’s that she has the opposite judgment of what Liz is used to. and that judgment is gonna be so much worse when it hits

~ Liz and Colin are definitely hooking up, given that she intends to sleep with him that night originally. and given all the sulking, he very much has a thing for her. but given that she goes off and kisses Annie that same evening, she clearly does Not think they have that kind of relationship, they’re just friends that hook up sometimes.

so really only Colin thinks he’s in a love triangle 😄

~

dammit this beach scene still tugs at my heartstrings

(I think because, despite it not being in her pov, I can feel the Luidaeg catching feelings in spite of herself)

but oof, she is millennia old and Liz is barely eighteen

and that’s not even the most dramatic invisible power dynamic at play

it’s never brought up in relation to Liz, but I definitely remember Toby having a thought about how all the Firstborn affect their descendant races and how she thinks the Luidaeg’s effect might be making the Selkies trust her more than they should

and gonna circle back to this later but I do think there’s evidence to support the Luidaeg giving off “trust me, don’t ask too many probing questions” vibes

~

“Every day was a tug-of-war between dreaming of my own future and realizing the horror of what would have to happen for that future to be mine. A relative could choose to pass his or her skin, becoming mortal and dying in the human way, but that’s not the usual way for Selkies to be made. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many of us. We die younger and more often than almost any other race in Faerie.”

They are fully fae, but they have a way higher death rate than other fae. And this has kind of scary implications for the Roane? If the Selkies are more prone to deadly accidents because they don’t grow up as fae and are only thrust into that world later, the same is true of the new Roane. Except if they die, no one will become fae in their place.

on the other hand, maybe the fact that they’re all seers now really helps cut down on the fatal accidents

~

“Was Annie already aware that I’d been passed up again, and that I was the last of the little bonfire circle she has stumbled into eight years ago?” 

🥺🥺 at the fracturing of Liz’s friend group and how isolated it leaves her.

~

also I have to assume that Liz’s parents don’t realize Liz is having a casual flirtation with the sea witch, otherwise why did they not make sure she was picked for Tempe’s skin, thus ending that.

It really is their decision that drives her completely towards Annie 😬

~

“There was a choice there, blurred by sweet red wine and sea-salt tears. Annie didn’t reach for my hands. She was leaving me the room to make that choice on my own, and I appreciated that, because I knew, just looking at her, that she was offering me something more than sex. Sex was easy; sex was fun and cathartic and nothing even remotely like a commitment. But Annie….

Annie had been hurt before. I knew it every time I looked at her.” 

Given the timeline, what Liz says here, and how she talks about hooking up with various people as a teen in an “experimenting and figuring herself out” way in DTL, this is definitely her first serious romantic relationship. 

and also, as of present day, her last 😔

~

[EDIT: oh the sex scene is…..it’s the beginning of a relationship destined to implode, but they’re also so horny and enthusiastic it’s easy to forget that part. it’s hot! them getting handsy before they’re even in the room…..😳]

~

“We went to Disneyland, where she kissed me on the Haunted Mansion ride and we had our pictures taken with Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother.”

the Luidaeg canonically taking her girlfriend on a vacation date to Disneyland is very on brand but also. the dramatic irony of the whole sea witch thing is. yeah

~

“My mother sighed. My father cried. I loaded my things into the back of Annie’s car, and together we drove to San Francisco, where her apartment was waiting for us.”

godddd this hurts when you realize both her parents Know

Liz’s parents: …..fuck fuck we should have given her Tempe’s skin

it has to hurt so much, knowing that your daughter’s girlfriend is lying to her, knowing that she’s far more dangerous and powerful than your daughter knows, and being unable to say anything

~

“It was surprisingly spacious, taking up most of the ground floor of an old brick building near the wharf.” 

the vague horror of Liz moving into a skerry entirely controlled by her girlfriend and having no idea

I also would like to know how the Luidaeg managed the whole “people bugging her for bargains” thing during the years Liz was living with her

yeah a lot of people Stay Away because of her reputation, and most don’t know where exactly she lives, but some do!

[EDIT: someone else suggested that it’s a different apartment than the one we see in the books, and specifically a different door to the same skerry. so she still has her “sea witch” apartment elsewhere. and I’ve adopted that headcanon!]

~

“We walked hand-in-hand through the city until it was almost dawn, and then we ran back to the apartment, and fell into bed, and held each other through the sunrise.” / “I was restless, moving from job to job until I found a position as a night clerk at a store that sold skin magazines and dirty movies.”

so the implication is that Liz basically lived nocturnally while she was with Annie, although she was still human.

~

“We’d been living together for almost a year before I asked about her family.”

This this is the reason I think the Luidaeg is giving off some flavor of “trust me / don’t pry” vibes. They’ve been dating for years before this, and Liz has never thought to ask about her family? That sounds completely implausible, unless maybe Liz is subconsciously being steered away from asking questions about Certain Things. I don’t think it’s something Annie’s actively doing, it’s just a feature of being Liz’s First and the subtle influence that gives her. And it takes this long for the weirdness of not having ever asked about Annie’s family to finally overrule the vague “don’t pry” vibes.

I could see that when they’re in the “we meet up and chat and flirt and kiss at clan occasions” stage of their relationship, but they’ve been properly dating for eight years by that point, they’ve been living together for a year. That is a long time to never ask “Where are you from?” (which is the specific question Liz asks)

I can’t imagine seriously dating someone in general and not knowing anything about their family—even knowing that it’s complicated and they don’t like talking about their family would be knowing something. But Annie has to tell Liz that she’s not very comfortable talking about her family, which means even that hasn’t come up in conversation before.

~

“My mother…went away. And my father couldn’t stand to be around me after that. He left me by the sea. Said ‘It’s in your hands now, Annie,’ and walked away. I haven’t seen him since.” Her breath hitched, and I realized with a start that she was crying. “I miss them so much.”  

god I love this scene.

it says so much about her complicated relationship with her parents, and thus says so much about how she is being honest with Liz when she doesn’t have to be. she could have invented a different backstory for herself, but she told the truth — because that’s such a huge part of why she pretends to be Selkiekin, she gets to show emotions and build connections she never would be able to otherwise. this conversation is so intensely personal because she is choosing for it to be, she chooses to pour out some of her messy feelings towards her parents and cry about them and let herself be held.

~

“Did she know, even then, that I was lying to her? Did I know? I like to think not.”

(this is about the “I’ll never leave you” promise.) oh Liz 🥺 you meant it at the time, it wasn’t a lie

also! thinking about it…..that was never a promise she could keep, what with her being mortal.

the best thing she could do to keep it was take the skin. and she very clearly intended to come back, she wasn’t breaking up with Annie. she just didn’t think Annie would follow through on the ultimatum.

she did go back, afterwards. she didn’t walk away.

Liz didn’t leave Annie. Annie left her.

~ okay I’m at that scene now and it’s like. this? this is meant to be the betrayal that the Luidaeg holds against her for two decades and counting?

she made the best decision she could with the information she had!

Drown the Lamenting gets into this more, but there’s the visible age gap struggle and how she assumes it would lead to a break up eventually — and the skin would fix that.

(or at least not make it worse, she doesn’t actually know it’ll age her down)

She promised to never leave Annie, and the immortality would help guarantee that.

This is what she’s wanted her whole life, this is her dream. She has no reason to think there’s anything wrong with it.

Even if it was just the last point — I genuinely believe she did nothing wrong by choosing her life’s dream, especially when “you can pick your dream or me” is a pretty shitty ultimatum to give to someone. tbh I wouldn’t blame her if she did choose to break up with Annie at that point, but she didn’t even do that! she thought Annie didn’t really mean it.

the Luidaeg chose to withhold crucial information from her, and then has been punishing her for making the wrong choice all this time.

Liz literally doesn’t understand why it’s an either/or decision, as far as she’s concerned there’s no reason for it to be?? why can’t Liz be a Selkie and they can stay together??

so yeah, she picks the choice that gives her what she wants and would make them both equally immortal, instead of the choice that requires her to deny her dream and continue to age and has no benefit other than “doesn’t make Annie jealous bc she can’t have the sea,” as far as Liz is concerned. I don’t think it was a betrayal at all.

the part that could be seen as a betrayal is her choosing to take the skin of a dead Roane, when Annie, who she thinks is part Roane, will never have the sea. but at that point it’s literally take the skin or die, so.

which is also a deal the Luidaeg put in place! she’s the reason Liz can’t choose to back out at the last moment.

~

“Damn it, Annie! That’s not fair! Have you looked in a mirror lately? I’m getting old! I’m going to keep getting old, and then I’m going to die, and I’m going to leave you alone again! I’m doing this for you!”

Annie laughed, a sound as bitter and lost as the bellow of a foghorn. “No, Liz. Don’t even try that on for size. You’re doing this for you. Because you want it. Because you feel like you were cheated somehow. Well, you weren’t cheated, Liz. I gave you everything I had it in my power to give. You weren’t cheated. I was not a second place ribbon.” 

She thinks Liz is just making excuses, but we know the age thing is clearly bothering Liz, that it’s not just an excuse. Liz is also definitely doing this because she wants it, but she has no reason to think it’s a Selkie skin or Annie, not until Annie lays down this ultimatum.

“I gave you everything I had it in my power to give.” …..except the truth

~

cw: discussion of suicide 

My mother’s mouth twisted. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I tried to be strong, for your sake; I tried to let you go. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t sit by and watch you leave us. I’m so sorry. I was weak.”

🥺 this scene hurts more after reading Drown the Lamenting knowing she knows that passing the skin will kill her. It will kill her, and it will hurt Liz, but she is doing it anyways because she can’t watch Liz stay with the sea witch forever. and the defiance of this skin passing, choosing to risk the sea witch’s wrath by taking Liz away from her. because getting her daughter away is more important than the consequences. she already knows she won’t survive this.

end warning

~

her father being buried in the sea, and there clearly being traditions around burials is another way the Selkies are Not Like Other Fae—they’re close enough to the mortal world for the night haunts to more often leave bodies behind for them to bury, often enough that they have burial traditions. (it also reminds me of how their wakes also buck fae tradition, being more lively celebrations of life)

and given that he would have no reason to pass his skin because his daughter is already a Selkie, and since Liz’s mom died after passing her skin he probably wouldn’t want to leave Liz the same way, I doubt his death was expected the same way? It seems more likely that there was an accident of some kind, as there more often is with Selkies, and he died unexpectedly and as a Selkie.

I wonder if, post-Diva’s birth but pre-his death, the question of “is Liz still his heir?” actively came up? because Liz broke the rules and had a changeling child and is she still allowed to inherit the clan? and only the Selkies, not the Selkiekin, know the full Selkie-Roane connection and thus might understand why having a Roane changeling kid might be different. Did the question of inheritance have to be ironed out beforehand? Or was it assumed if the sea witch had a problem with that, it would be dealt with if Liz tried to take over the clan?

~

The mourners were a constant tide, terrifying my daughter—sweet Diva, only seven years old, with her father’s huge green eyes and my tendency toward stillness—and forcing me to answer questions I wasn’t yet prepared for.

huh I’d forgotten about the “tendency towards stillness” line. because we see Diva so little, but she is in constant motion when we do—running to be the first to the door, running around the house, running up to Annie and talking a mile a minute.

I realize it could be “I hadn’t thought much about this character”/Not That Deep, but I could also take it as Diva was a much quieter/shyer kid than she is as a teenager, that she used to tend towards watching the room.

~

“I was contemplating the liquor cabinet”

Liz inheriting the clan was probably what kicked off the road to where her alcoholism is now—between access to a place to hide from the rest of the clan (with a place to store alcohol already included) and having her world upended that same day.

~

The door swung open, revealing the heads of the three nearest Selkie clans: the Chase, O’Connell, and Anthony families.

We know the O’Connell and Chase clans are East Coast (and so is the Lefebvre clan)—and they’re all relatively close together and 3/5 of the North American clans. idk why there are so many Selkies in that area in particular, enough for three major clans, but I’d like to think the Anthony clan is somewhere else—it’s never said, so in fic I’ve placed them on the northwest coast of North America.

and presumably Seanan hadn’t invented the the Lefebvre clan yet, otherwise they would have been included in this bit. because they’re not any further than the Chase or O’Connell clans.

so presumably the clan leaders were around already for the multi day funeral, it’s probably something that’s expected when someone knew takes charge. (Liz also says “There’s more?” implying that they’ve all been talking to her a lot already, but they’ve been waiting for the Luidaeg to show up to do this last bit.)

[EDIT: Never mind, the coastal distribution of clans makes sense—given the Selkie clans presumably originated in Scotland, it makes sense that a majority of the modern North American Selkies would be clustered around Nova Scotia.]

~

I stood before I could think better of it, almost stumbling as I raced around the desk. “Annie! Annie, I missed you so much, I—”

it’s been eight and a half years and Annie was the one who disappeared without a trace on her, the one who failed to communicate. and her immediate reaction is still to welcome her, to want to talk and fix things.

and the Luidaeg could have done this reveal in private, but she chose to let Liz embarrass herself in front of the clan leaders—her new peers and the only people who are allowed to know who Annie is.

the Drama of this reveal ahhh

I remembered winding my fingers through that hair while she cried out, muffling her voice against my skin. I looked at that hair now and knew without touching it that it would slice my fingers, that every strand would be razor-edged and deadly.

this image ahhhh — a good memory soured, intimacy and closeness vs a warning to stay away…..I am Hurting

~

I forced myself not to look away from her. “I missed you,” I said. “I buried you,” she replied.

Liz just found out Annie lied to her for decades and the very first thing she says is still I missed you……god

“I buried you” what a cruel thing to say and then leave and it’s also not true, Annie has not moved on from Liz the way she’s acting like she has here, the things she says about Liz later on point to many emotions roiling under the surface.

~

These are the things every Selkie-child knows: that the sea does not love us, that we are finite and flawed, and that we must never, never trust the sea-witch. I know all these things to be true.

that last line oof. the lesson she learned in the end is that all the warnings were true 🥺

~

Because I made the greatest mistake of all, a mistake that may well be unique in all our world: I loved her, and she loved me. I broke her heart. I proved that we are still no better than we were. Even after all these generations, we are still betraying her.

Liz did break her heart, but the rest of what Liz says here is so much more blame than she deserves, she really has internalized that it was all her fault, even to the point of comparing taking her mother’s skin to the original murder and theft of the skin. “we are still no better than we were.” holy shit taking a skin your family was bound to on purpose to keep the magic alive is not in any way comparable to murdering the Roane to try to become immortal.

(I am thinking about “You’re going to cut yourself to ribbons already over the things you can’t undo” and I am so sad about her 😔)

~

in DTL she finally stopped dreaming of Annie and started to be well rested and now she says she always dreams of Annie and it’s what she deserves 🥺

~

“At least my daughter will be spared the choice.”

once again she talks about Diva being spared the betrayer’s bargain as the key Thing (I’m noting this bc of how the narrative of Diva as apology is only ever something other characters say, and Liz recoiled from the idea of having a kid as an apology to someone, but she did like the idea of a kid who would never need to wear a skin to have the sea).

interesting that it’s left ambiguous what exactly she’s “not sorry” about. her relationship with Annie? her choice to leave and take the skin? (I mean, probably not that—although it’s complicated actually, because if she never left Annie, Diva wouldn’t exist).

[unnursvanablog]

when you are one episode in to Queen of Tears, the new highly anticipated and very promising new kdrama and it pulls on of your least fav tropes on you at the end of the episode aka her being terminally ill and only has about three months t live (him being prepared with the divorce papers right at that minute is very amusing tho) but that's on me… because I did kinda go into this drama blind. I do that with quite a few dramas these days.

And while I do hate hate HATE that trope I do also know that there are always exceptions to the trope and in the right hands it can turn out fantastic. And I am just going to have faith in Queen of Tears and let it take me on this ride and hope for the best. I have seen two or three dramas where another least fav kdrama trope (memory loss) was done so so so well. Miracles do happen!

This drama is a soapy tale of crazy rich people being kinda crazy and over the top. And that can be ether super interesting and fun to watch or very very grating and too much. So far it's the former. It's very much used to frame the story and the humor of the show but it I almost wish it was used a bit more sparingly because it did feel a tad heavy handed at times, there are a lot of key players that were introduced and I can just tell how much filler we are going to get with some of these characters and their crazy antics.

And the core family is fun and the cast is very likeable. I am constantly going… on this one! whenever I see an actor pop up. I do suspect that Kwak Dong Yeon playing another dumb but loveable younger brother in an over the top rich family is going to be the death of me again. They can give me some good filler scenes with him just being adorable and I would not complain (too much).

Also the serial killer boss from Psychopaths' Diary is the second lead? ooooh, this is going to get crazy.

I worry about how much they are going to streatch this story and they know they can do that, add in tone of product placement and filler scenes because the two leads are very good and popular and will bring in ratings and viewers. So they are going to make every episode unessiarily long just for the sake of it almost.

I ran into the same problem with Kim Soo Hyun's last drama where I just felt like the theme, the characters and the love story and all that was there but it just felt done to death or drawn out way too much, way to thin towards the end of it and every episode was so long that I just got very very bored with it. It didn't add any extra depth to the characters or the story. It was just dragging on for the sake of keeping the viewers for longer.

I worry about the focus of the story towards the end tbh. I enjoyed the first two episodes a lot, but I felt like it was way too long and probably could have been cut down a bit and keep to the core of the story (and then after that has been established you expand a bit) and I just didn't have the attention span to watch the whole thing in one go. I put the drama on pause in a middle of an episode and then came back once I was ready to finish it.

You can also get a sense of that through how the drama is filmed. It's more just stylish, but I wouldn't really say that it's that focused on stunning scenery or cinematography. I guess we could say style over substance.

BECAUSE KDRAMA EPISODES OR ANY EPISODE OF ANY TV SHOW EVER SHOULD NOT BE OVER AN HOUR LONG unless you absolutely have to. Like if it's a final episode or whatever. It just makes the story not flow as well. It often makes the pacing a bit weird.

Him wanting out of the marriage, but not wanting to get a divorce in this over-the-top crazy family and rather just wait until his terminally ill wife dies, her thinking that he is finally showing her some kindness and warmth after closing his heart on her (probably because she is too busy thinking about keeping up apperances for the sake of her family and duties to them) and them slowly falling in love again over the course of the show is a very nice hook to a story.

And the story sets up both leads up well enough that you feel and root for both of them.

Like you are rooting for him to get out of there, because this life is making him (but also both of them) miserable, but you know he is ultimately going to fail in some way because they are going to end up together in the end. But it's about that journey and not the destination. Unless the drama decides to be very very bold and just kill her off at the end and make is suffer a whole lot. But it also makes you root for her, because she does need that love and support and we see her caring oh so much, in her own subdued way (probably because she sees the crazy in the family and want to sort of be that anchor that's keeping it all together), sort of behind his back. You do want them to sort of just take a breather from it all and slowly come together again.

I do kinda hope and wish that this show picks up the pace a bit and also just truly embraces the crazy and the soap opera aspects of the show and just goes all out. I want to enjoy some over the top nonsense that just makes you laugh and cheer because of how absurd it is. As long as they manage to ground the drama in it's own reality it's going to be fine.

Queen of Tears, please just be fun. I want to not be in a kdrama slump and have something that excites me every damn week.

[1d1195]

ok ok ! lots to talk about !

i finally read all of dolcezza and HABDJSAHGAGS oh my goodness. even after reading all your works for well over a year now, i don’t think ill even get used to how amazing of a writer you are. i truly FELT everything in that story, from her pain of asking for help (she’s soooo real omfg she’s just like me) to the anxiety and terror in the last chapter ???? HELLO I WAS SO SCARED SHDBJSJAHS IT WAS SOOOO GOOD I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR THE BLURBS they were truly soulmates since the first part when they ran into eachother🥹🥹🥹 i LOVED how he was so mushy and soft and just completely head over heels for her it gave me ALL the feels😭😭💞💞✨✨

next: I JUST FINISHED MY FRIEND’S TOYOTA AND OMGGGGG AHHHHH !!!!! it’s soooooo cute and soft and the way they’re both just hopeless romantics looking for the love of their life i cantttt😭 AND IT WAS SO CUTE HOW YOU ADDED THE WHOLE “should i bring a coat” SCENE LIKE IN THE SONG AHHHH I WAS SMILING SO HARD I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHATS GONNA HAPPEN WITH THEM (and when they finally get close enough to share that they both had the same fantasies for their college years ????🥹🥹🥹🥹 im gonna sob)

i just ughhhh i love your writing and your characters soooooo much you never fail to make me fall COMPLETELY in love with your stories

ALSOOOO I LISTENED TO THE SONG AND OMGGGG IT FEELS LIKE LAYING IN A MEADOW AT THE START OF SPRING WHEN ALL THE FLOWERS AND TREES ARE JUST STARTING TO BLOOM AND JUST LAYING IN THE GRASS AND STARING AT THE SKY AND FEELING THE WIND UGHHH ITS SOOO GOOD THANK YOU FOR THE REC I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYSSS APPRECIATE THE MUSIC (along with everything else!)

love you and hope you’re doing reallyyyy well <333

~🎶🎀

AHHHH Yay yay yay yay!

I'm so flattered you think I'm such a good writer 😭 it's so so nice of you!

I love making Harry a mushy mess of a man. I assume he is and i will not be told differently 💕 I have gotten the feeling that we could start a club here on 1d1195.tumblr.com about being too hard on ourselves and not being able to ask for help 😭💕 I'm glad you related to her! I always find it's easier to read when the character is relatable in someway. I'm sorry you have a hard time asking for help. I truly know how difficult and lonely that can be! I'm sorry for making you so scared but hopefully it was quite the relief by the end! I'm glad you're excited for future blurbs! I am too! 🤭 I should probs come up with some ideas besides an alternate stalker-scene hehehehe

I LOVE writing about songs. It's the easiest way for me to write, honestly. I guess that speaks more to the song-artist than about me hehehe. The second I hear a song I like, I envision a whole story about the lyrics. Noah Kahan has been KILLING me for months. His new song Forever just officially dropped today and I can't with "we can't make rent, so we window shop." I have lots of ideas based on songs rolling around in my head and you can see how quick I write when I have a song that makes the story easier based on some of my older work (not that I'd recommend reading anything older it's trashy af).

YOU ARE THE SWEETEST 😭💕

I have yet to fully dive into the lyrics of Paint, but glossing over them, they seem a bit sad. So idk if I'd be able to write one of my cute-gross stories, but I might spin it another direction. I'm so glad you liked it and love your description of it! I agree completely (also if I were to write about this song, I'd probs include a meadow scene).

Thanks so much for reading my stuff! I appreciate you greatly!!!

xoxo

[linagram]

[𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚣𝚞 𝚜𝚑𝚞𝚗'𝚜 𝚝𝟷 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊] 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛

i hope you all know that i do my evil genius laugh whenever i come up with the voice drama titles

shun's voice drama is here! (yes, i decided to post it before akio's trial results, i got tired of waiting dhdjdkd) again, this one was a bit hard to write. i didn't know how i want it to go, but i knew that shun is supposed to say his t1 trailer voiceline. so you'll finally find out the context for that voiceline!

(note: i probably should mention that i didn't write shun's character with any specific mental illness in mind. it's just hard for him to tell what's real and what's not and his brain makes him forget about all the bad things that ever happened to him to "protect" him. this is actually something that often happens to me as well. so yeah, he just acts like that because of stress.

however, remember that shun is smarter than he looks and he will take advantage of people knowing that there's "something wrong" with him. so yes, it doesn't mean that he's actually faking it, he really does have memory problems, but he still can pretend to forget something on purpose. this is why eiji wants miki to ignore all that and says that shun is either a huge liar or he's just dumb. (sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, by the way, but.. that's just what kind of person eiji is, he doesn't care what problems you have, you're just another murderer to him)

anyway, that's it, i hope you enjoy this voice drama!)

(divider link)

(sounds of footsteps)

Eiji: Now this.. this is a weird one.

Eiji: I mean, most of them are weird, but Prisoner 003 is one of the most unforgivable ones.

Miki: Really? Why?

Eiji: You'll see. Just remember not to fall for his tricks.

Miki: .. To be honest, I think you see everyone here as unforgivable, Eiji-san.

Eiji: Of course I do. All of them are murderers, Guard 002. All of them deserve to be punished for what they did.

Miki: .. Hey, Eiji-san.

Miki: Do you.. want something bad to happen to the person who hurt you in the past?

Eiji: !..

Eiji: W-what does that mean?

Miki: I mean.. Aimi-chan was right about your injuries, wasn't she?

Miki: So.. would you take revenge on the person who brought you so much pain?

Eiji: Why would you bring up this topic now??

Miki: BECAUSE EVEN IF I BRING IT UP LATER, YOU'LL STILL REFUSE TO ANSWER!

Miki: So tell me, Eiji-san, would you hurt that person back?

Miki: Actually, would you.. kill them?

Eiji: ...

Eiji: I.. I would love to see that person die.

Eiji: He deserves it.

Miki: See? That would make you a murderer too. Even if you had a sympathetic reason, you would still look like a sinner in your own eyes.

Miki: So.. I just want you to at least try to understand these people. Not all of them are cruel and cold-hearted murderers. Some of them would never kill anyone if it wasn't for the circumstances.

Miki: We can't just vote all of them guilty without even trying to listen to them!

Eiji: .. Prisoner 003 is waiting for us.

Miki: .. Right.

(door opens)

Eiji: Well, hello there!

Shun: ...

Eiji: Hellooooo-

Shun: ...

Miki: Um, can he even hear us?

Eiji: Well, I will make sure he does hear us.

(Eiji loudly slams his fist on the table)

Shun: Ah!

Shun: W-why would you do that?..

Eiji: Because you wouldn't answer.

Shun: I..

Shun: I.. didn't know how to answer.

Eiji: You know you can just say hello back, right?

Shun: Can I?

Eiji: (to Miki) Now, you see what I meant by him being the weird one?

Miki: Yes, but..

Miki: I kinda understand him.

Miki: I'm also too shy to say hello sometimes.

Eiji: .. You know what, you both are weird actually.

Eiji: Anyway, Prisoner 003, Ishizu Shun, 24 years old.

Eiji: Finally, I was starting to get tired of high schoolers.

Miki: But I'm also-

Eiji: You don't look much smarter than them though, Shun.

Shun: .. Sorry, I guess.

Eiji: Honestly, I'm surprised that you even managed to commit a murder.

Eiji: You don't look like the sanest person, so I can imagine you murdering someone, but also..

Eiji: You're kinda dumb.

Shun: Sorry-

Shun: Wait, murder?

Shun: So.. this really is a prison..

Eiji: Yes, this is a prison and you can die here if we decide you don't deserve to live.

Shun: D-die??

(Shun stands up)

Shun: No, listen, I can explain! I'm sure that all of this is a mistake!

Shun: I mean, yes, I did commit murder but..

Eiji: See? You just admitted that you're a murderer.

Eiji: Why should I forgive you after hearing that?

Shun: Because I had my reasons!..

Shun: I.. I had no other choice!

Eiji: Really? Just how bad was your situation if you had no choice but to kill someone?

(Shun sits down)

Shun: .. I just wanted to protect the person I love, that's all.

Miki: The person you love?

Miki: Like a family member or a friend?

Shun: No, my girlfriend.

Eiji: .. I refuse to believe that you had a girlfriend.

Eiji: I'm looking at you right now and I feel like the only woman who has ever hugged you was your mother.

Miki: Well, in my opinion, Ishizu-san is very pretty-

Shun: Um, I did have a girlfriend..

Shun: But we broke up.

Eiji: Okay, you dating someone doesn't sound so surprising anymore.

Miki: I'm so sorry to hear about that..

Eiji: Let me guess, she realized how creepy you are?

Miki: Eiji-san!

Shun: No, he's right. She thought I was too weird and.. decided to leave.

Eiji: Good for her.

Shun: And she got a new boyfriend right after that.

Shun: And he wasn't a good person.

Eiji: You were just jealous, weren't you?

Shun: No, no, he really was a bad person! He was always so rude to her, he didn't care about her wishes, he only cared about himself..

Shun: And I just.. I had to do something about it. I had to protect her from him.

Shun: I knew that if I let her stay with him.. he will hurt her sooner or later.

Eiji: Yeah, and killing him surely was the best option.

Shun: .. Well, what would you do if you ended up in a situation like this?

Shun: Wouldn't you try to protect the person you love more than your own life?

Eiji: I would just move on.

Eiji: She's not your girlfriend anymore, sure, maybe her new boyfriend really did treat her badly, but it's not your job to fix her relationship with him. It's not your job to save her.

Eiji: Also, think about it. She must be a smart woman, if she realized that you're weird and your relationship is unhealthy and decided to end it.

Eiji: So why would she suddenly start dating a person who was even worse right after breaking up with you?

Shun: .. M-maybe she actually wanted to leave him, but he wouldn't let her..

Eiji: Oh, now you're just trying to make yourself look better than him.

Eiji: It was so kind of you to let your girlfriend, who was terrified of you, by the way, leave! You're not like her new boyfriend at all!

Shun: Ah!..

Shun: S-stop pulling my hair..

Eiji: I hate guys like you.

Eiji: If I could, I would just execute you right here and right now.

Shun: Stop, just stop already! It's too painful!

Eiji: IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO WITH YOU!

Shun: SHUT UP AND LET ME GO!

Eiji: ...

Miki: ...

Shun: *heavy breathing*

Shun: .. Hey, what just happened?

Shun: Guard-san, can you stop doing this to my hair? It's kinda uncomfortable..

Eiji: .. You really are stupid.

Eiji: HOW COULD YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED LIKE A SECOND AGO?

Shun: *screams*

Shun: Please, Guard-san, stop this! I'm scared!

Eiji: DO YOU REALLY THINK I'LL FALL FOR THAT?

Miki: Leave him alone, Eiji-san.

Miki: He's scared, he has no idea what's going on, we won't learn anything from him if he doesn't calm down!

Eiji: It's okay, we can just watch his video later-

Miki: Shut the hell up and listen to me for once, Eiji-san.

Eiji: ...

Eiji: Heh. Do what you think is right then.

Miki: Thank you.

Miki: Now.. You're Ishizu Shun-san, correct? Do you remember that?

Shun: Yes.. Yes, I think I do.

Miki: Okay. What can you say about your life in Milgram? Is it comfortable?

Shun: .. I guess? It's not that different from my apartment anyway.

Miki: Oh.. I'm sorry to hear that your life before Milgram wasn't that good either.

Shun: It's okay, at least I don't feel as lonely as I used to before coming here. Eiko-san and Kei-san talk to me a lot. To be honest, sometimes I feel like they are.. um.. "interested" in me.

Eiji: Of course Kei would be "interested" in you.

Shun: But then I said that I'm taken and Eiko-san left me alone. Kei-san, on the other hand.. didn't.

Eiji: Of course Kei would-

Miki: "Taken".. Huh.

Miki: I apologize for asking this, Ishizu-san.. you probably don't remember, but you've already said that your girlfriend broke up with you.

Miki: However, you still say that you're taken.

Miki: So I wanted to ask.. Are you dating anyone currently?

Shun: I did.. say that?

Shun: My girlfriend..

Shun: Uh.. which one?

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Eiji: Guard 002, it's time. We'll find out how many girlfriends he had after we watch his video.

Eiji: Seriously, just what do women see in him..

Miki: Wait, but this doesn't make any sense!

Miki: If you were so loyal to your ex-girlfriend, then why would you start dating someone else?

Miki: Please.. try to remember that, Ishizu-san. I just want to understand how your crime went and I feel like that information is important.

Shun: I can't promise anything, uh.. Guard 002-san.

Shun: I'm sure I will forget even this moment soon.

Miki: .. I see.

Miki: Eiji-san, you can start.

Eiji: Thanks for the permission, I guess?

Eiji: Prisoner 003, Shun, sing your sins!

═════════•°• ⚠ •°•═════════

[aceaceace144616]

Welcome, Caller

by M Dean Wright

my thoughts in a nutshell: "oh no hes just like me fr"

ok i dont really review books or anything, thats my friend's job (cheeky promo alana_the_bibliophile on instagram) nah yeah but this one was just so good.

firstly, as a neurodiverse bi trans dude i related so hard to Malcom (the main character) with the overloads and insecurities and just everything. i may or may not have to get this entire transcript tattooed upon my person cos it just hits so close to home in places i didnt even realise until the book brought them to my attention.

like the whole thing about Malcolm not going after things that will make him happy (Peter) just cause he feels like hes so fucked up ± messing something up on purpose before you can mess it up by accident vibes. i literally said (in a squidward impression cos that is important information) "oh no hes just like me for real" out loud on a bus (but it was a loud bus so no one heard) (hopefully). also another thing, Peter telling Malcolm about his auDHD and what he likes + dislikes about sensory stuff. and Malcolm believing and respecting him. i just. its such wish fulfilment. that along with the rest of the story, its all just wish fulfilment. having multiple queer and neurodiverse friends that help you when youre struggling and will beat up your unsupportive family members. (also having a dude think youre hot. wouldnt mind)

secondly, it was just a good read. like i really enjoyed reading it, which hasnt happened for a while. it made me smile and laugh in public (which i never do). fr i was having a giggle on the bus, in class, in doctors waiting rooms, everything. i actually looked forward to reading it as well and i had to trudge through other stuff just so i could get back to it.

lowkey gives love simon vibes (from what i remember of the book when i read it in like 2018), just chock full of natural and believable sounding dialogue and references to things im sure ill actually like. (in my notes app on my old phone i went through the book and wrote down all the references made in love simon and it was pretty extensive (and now i have to do this for this book. oh no guess ill have to read it again oh this is so sad whelp better start now see ya)).

and like the friendship between the characters, the dialogue never felt too forced and they talked like actual people id talk to. swearing at and bullying your friends is a love language and it was done pretty well in this, and also the sending of memes being like an important step in a friendship is too real. also the revival of interest in records, my cousins poor bank account is a testament to that being relatable.

thirdly, the story. we got enemies to friends to lovers, we got 'there was only one bed', we got a road trip, we got a sickfic, and so much more and you know that i ate it up every time.

that as well as the epic highs and lows of making friends in your 20s (lol).

the book follows Malcolm slowly becoming friends with this irl dude Peter while falling for this 'mysterious' radio host Rebo, with his friends supporting him the whole time.

like i dont really go for romantic style stories but this was just so good (but then again ive barely read anything since back when i used to inhale books at like age 12) + the chemistry between Malcolm and Peter was just chefs kiss so good man.

also, the name Goby (one of his friends) kinda got me tho ngl, gobby is australian slang for… something, and i got a jump scare whenever they showed up lol.

Edit: they Goby on my Gumby till I Cheese. I'm so fucking sorry I had to write that down I couldn't get to sleep.

the only bad thing about the book (not that its bad bad, just like if i had to pick something) would be that the ending was made out of like 3 epilogues with indeterminable time skips between them. unless i missed something idk. im just more about the 'the characters kept on living' kinda ending, less 'albus serverus potter' style stuff, not that it was even like that tho.

but also wanting to own and run an incredibly specific cafe+store with your partner is just so fucking gay. oh my god. fanfiction shit right there /pos.

lastly, i haven't read heaps of books in the last couple years, preferring movies and shows more than my childhood self who lived in books series, almost like i didnt like reality or something (unthinkable ik)(i literally had this printed out and hung on my wall)(and on me liking movies more, thats a whole nother fucking topic and a half so ill complain about it in another post)(but anyway).

like honestly, i think that i might get back into reading, even though i forgot how many hours just fly by when i read, cos this was just great. (dont tell my mum she'll throw a fucking party)(again, different topic).

also admittedly, i did sotra kinda maybe slightly pirated it and read it off a pdf BUT! cos i like it so much im probably going to buy a physical copy (for almost 40 fucking dollars including shipping Jesus fucking Christ)

ik not a single person but me will see this review but i dont care. this book was made for me about me

tldr:

[imraespace]

HIHIHIEHEIHOHIHI DAILTCHEKCIN BUT IM LATER THAN USUAL. ‼️warning i yapped so hard‼️ ..

YES I AM.. still sick …. i am sniffling and coughing as im typign this but we thug it out

i had photography club afterschool so i went but when it was done my bus legit passed by the school so iw as like “.. 😐😐 i guess im taking a different bus.” BC THE NEXT BUS WAS IN 30 MINS?? so instead i took another bus BUT THIS BUS GOES TO THE MALL SO THEN IWAS LIEK OK I DONT REALLT HAVE HOMEWORK I JUST HAVE TO APPLY TO A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GO TO THE MALL

i went to the mall and spent 94 dollars…!!!! we are not financially responsible enough to go out on our own i swear my mother is never going to let me go out ever again after this but she was fine when i spent 150 in a whole day ….. SO ITHINK ITS OK.

i bought food and then a bluelock manga (THE ARYU COVER NOW IM ONLY MISSING THE KUNIGAMI ONE AND THEN WE WAIT FOR WHEN THE OTHER MANGAS ARE AVAILABLE IN MY COUNTRY..) and then i bought more food (bubble tea yummy) and iwas gonna buy a pretzel but i got distracted went into a store and saw chikawa. iwas like woah its that one thing on like every tumblr blog and thought of buying a keychain UNTIL I REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A STORE WHERE EVERYTHING IS 15+ EVEN FOR A TINY KEYCHAIN SO I RAN OUT. and then i was gonna go home but i took the longest route to the terminal so i saw a few more stores and i saw the cutest sleep wear ever so i spent a good 30 mins standing there aggressively comparing the medium and large difference (it had basicallt no difference.) and intensely typing to my mother asking WHICH ONE DO I GET and three workers came by and was like “lady are you ok” and i was like NO. i didnt actuallt say no but i just smiled and was like “yup..!” and sipped on my very empty bubble tea cup.. in the end my mother said medium and dad said medium as well so i bought the medium

after i bought it i was thinking oh i should buy a pretzel or chikawa AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS 6 PM SO I RAN TO THE TERMINAL CUZ IT WAS GETTING DARK SOON. like i love walks in the dark esp when its winter and its like very chilly and snow gets into ur eyeball and practically makes u blind and ure fighting for your life because the wind hates you and almost trip on a rock + almost miss ur bus 😛😋🤪😜😝 (100% totally didnt happen to me last year… totally…… that random car that saw and laughed never happened either….!!) but baywyas i live in the most weirdest area to the point that its concerning if im EVEN SAFE TO WALK HOME PROPERLY WITHOUT BEING LIKE “AM I GONNA GET ISEKAID AGAIN” OR GET JUMPED BY A RANDOM BIRD like honestly somstimes i wish my parents didnt move to canada so ill live my hashtag philippines life (muehheuheueh octopus is filipino 😈😈 we learn something new everydya) but i also cannot handle extreme heat BUT I CANT EVEN HANDLE THE COLD EITHER WITHOUT GETTING AN ALLERGIC REACTION THAT TAKES 4-5 HOURS TO CALM DOWN. my cold allergy never lets me rest.

im gonna start tweaking because i have two applications to get through for LITERAL CLUUUBBBSSSS NOT JOBS CLUBS AND BOTH OF THEM ARE LIKE “treat this as a job application” almost like idk how to apply to a job….!! whatever ill live my barista life another day and meet rin itoeshee and we hashtag fall in love over a latte i make for him because im just a hashtag egoist (this will never happen but we all dream) WATCH ME NOT EVEN GET JNTO ANY OF THE THINGS IM APPLYING FOR BUT WHATEVER 💔 jts okay i think ☹️

OKAYAYAYA DAILY QUESTION

which bllk character would spend more money than they actually have in their bank account leading them to be 69 dollars in debt

- 🐙

HAII LMAO TY FOR THE WARNINF

omg egoist/boss move.. honestly I hate being sick fr but it's also fun bc I like to be dramatic when I'm coughing or sneezing🤗

HELP NOT THE BUS LEAVIJF

YIPEE MALL TRIP!! yk the funny thing is I literally live like a 5 minutes away from a mall but.. I don't really go to it.. IDK WHY it's kinda boring tbh all thr good malls are IN THE CAPITAL and that's like hours away from me plus it's scary there so.. I'll stay here!

94 DOLLARS based of what you said abt Canada I used Canadian dollars to convert it to my local currency and apparently if you were using my currency you spent 474 dollars!! SO WHAT. I already cry when I spend over 200 dollars here.. but I haven't spent anything as yet so I have 500 dollars in my savings hahahheheheh🤫🤫

OMG ARYU I LOVE HIM I wanna go out and start buying manga bc I found a store that sells them but I have no where to place them. I NEED MY OWN ROOM UAGABDBAHS😒😒😒

omg sounds so yummy I want boba now

LMAO ON EVERY TUMBLR BLOG

15+ DOLLARS FOR A KEYCHAIN? IS IT BUYING ME FOOD??

LMAO not the worker checking on you at least your momma and pops helped you!!

walking in the dark sounds nice but can't do that here unless you don't wanna see the sunlight again! I walk from school to home sometimes when my momma can't pick me up and I'm always scared bc like once a man told me he was Jesus and he ordered me to give him a dollar HELP IT SOUNDS SO FUNNY BUT IT HAPPENED I was by the church so I walked back inside it HELP

OMG A NEW TRAIT OF 🐙!!

omg I hate the heat yet I live in a tropical island LAST YEAR IR HAD A HEATWAVE IT TURNED MY COLD WATER WARM AND MY AF WASNT WORKING EVERYTHING WAS SO MOIST. I don't think I was meant to be here I thought the caribbean life was gonna be on the beach drinking out of a coconut not melting in a puddle..

DANG YPU NEED AN APPLICATION FOR A CLUB?

LMAO BARISTA LIFE I'll be a background character witnessing the love while drinking my coffee with nagi!!

ITS OKAY IF THEY DONT TAKE YOU THEYRE JUST MISSING OUT ON A LITETAL EGOIST ENTERING THEIR LIFE!!

HELP talking abt nagi he would with all those games he plays

10/10 yap session I loved it

[hakawati93]

MERLOT

"Just another lonely night." is the constant thought that swarms my mind.

My life is nothing but a routine that never ends; there is no spark or thrill, and it ends with me sitting on this squeaky, lumpy old couch that I have grown to love over the past few years. Sadly, the longest relationship I have had is with this couch, and our dates include a tv show I have watched repeatedly and a bottle of Pinto.

I can go out and enjoy all that life offers a 26-year-old, with nightclubs, parties, one-night stands, etc. Just the thought of it alone causes the taste of dinner to wiggle up my esophagus to the back of my throat. I have never been interested in the usual antics of someone in their twenties. I enjoy staying home, reading, writing, and watching classic movies, but I also hate it because the feeling of loneliness sits right next to me like an old friend. It greets me when I climb into bed; it lays next to me, wraps its arms around me, and whispers the harshness of my life choices and how they will always be here.

I know it's depressing, but it is all I know; I have been alone since my mother gave birth. I know I have family and friends with me, but how can you call them such when you feel no real connection with them? How can they be family and friends when they can't fill the deep hole within your soul? That's the right, soul, not heart, and no, I am not being over dramatic! My soul feels like it has a growing hole, and it continues to grow and deepen with each passing day.

Do you know what I wish for, what I have prayed for every night since I was a child who could fully understand the need for companionship? I have prayed and wished! For someone to come into my life and fill my soul and heart with much love and happiness. I will meet someone who can bring up every emotion on the spectrum. Anger, happiness, sadness, etc. I don't care; I just want to feel something other than nothing at all. I take these thoughts to bed with me, and don't tell me, "well, maybe you suffer from depression." I know I suffer from depression and three other mental illnesses, but when medicine no longer works, and those feelings still exist, what then? You start to ask yourself, is it a chemical imbalance in your brain or spiritual? Has my soul been alone since my first life, and has it carried this loneliness for every life? Have I not had anyone to fill this void in my soul? God! another horrid thought to take to bed.

Turning off the Tv, I annoyingly shuffle my feet to my bedroom, rolling my eyes at the fact my roommate once again is entertaining "one of her hoes," Shame is a new feeling right now because I have tried walking a mile in her shoes. Is that the right word for it? I guess I had my share of "hoes" and didn't enjoy a millisecond. Every kiss, touch, and thrust (cringe) felt wrong and foreign to me like I shouldn't be doing this or at least with this person. After 5 attempts, I finally gave up on the hoe thing and decided to just wait, but how long will this delay be?

As I climb into bed and get all snuggly, I daydream about the perfect guy and our relationship. Sometimes they are fanfictions on a book I have read, a tv show, or a comic book universe (DC!), and I throw myself in it, making my own sensible character. I have already taken my antipsychotics for the night and can feel them slowly ease my body to relax. When I take my medicine, it feels like someone is pressing a chloroform-drenched cloth over my nose and mouth, and I fall into a deep sleep. Like I am doing now, right before I drift to dreamland, I feel my bed dip, and it's like someone has climbed into it. It can't force me to open my eyes and check there is no rush of adrenaline to cause me to jump out of bed. I just lay here, letting them crawl and lay next to me. Like I have been tossed down Alice's hole into wonderland, I begin to fall with the whispers of "Mine" echoing around me.

Can't scream or move, and fear is starting to spread throughout my veins! I want to wake up now, please!

"Be still, my love.", A husky voice calls out to me.

I don't know why I care that his voice sounds like warm honey being brushed all over my body, but for some reason, I do.

"Open your eyes." commanding little shit, isn't he?

I open my eyes to find myself in my living room, but instead of grey-painted walls, they are a dark deep red. No couch or boxes of books were scattered around the room, just a long dining table in the center. I look towards the window, and there are no street lights, just void blackness, the type of black that no light can shine through. I'm not even going to bother looking at the man because I can't see anything, and I also don't care enough to look. Probably because I am peeing my pants scared, and if he looks like some horrible creature from sinister (I freaking hate that movie!), I will have a damn heart attack. He laughs, like those deep-throaty laughs you read in romance novels that sound so sexy toward the female character.

"Are you done with your inner monologue? You have wished and prayed for me since you were a child, and now that I am here, you fear me? What an odd little creature."

As if I was bitched slapped, my head turned towards him and, with great disappointment

"Once again with the inner monologue? Little one, just speak to me."

"Fine! Why can't I see you?" Freaking twat muffin!

"Because I am too far from you; if I was closer, I could show myself more clearly. Not that that matters we have met before and you have seen my face. You just don't remember. Also any thought that you have, I can hear it."

"ops"

I turn my head away slightly and hide my smile cause; honestly, it is a little funny.

"Is it now?" Th,e sexy voiced man then placed a glass of red wine in front of me, and all I had to say was it better not be Merlot.

"It is, little love; I apologize that the type of wine is not your liking, but if you want, you can always change it the next go around. I am giving you a choice here, little love, to end your suffering to rid you of your loneliness. To stay here with me and get everything you ever wanted in life, and all you have to do, my love, is to give in. Drink the wine and stay with me or return to your current life and continue to suffer alone."

"Just give in, right?" I reach for the glass……….