#and also. i like being able to scroll back through my own ramblings in a cohesive tumblr tag

[magicofthepen]

The Ryans Reread: In Sea-Salt Tears

Hi hello I love Elizabeth Ryan a Normal Amount!

These ramblings are cross posted from my Liz Ryan reread thread in the October Daye Discord server.

I had discussions with a couple people about In Sea-Salt Tears in the thread, but these notes are just messages I sent—my initial reactions to the story on reread. And I reference other Liz appearances, especially Drown the Lamenting!

“We know that, while we may love the ocean, the ocean doesn’t love us.” / “We know that we, among all the fae, are temporary and flawed….” 

me @ the Luidaeg, always: You fucked up a perfectly good descendant race, is what you did. 

(to be fair, that’s just most characters @ the Luidaeg)

but it sure was a Choice to revive your descendant race via a group of people you Made Sure grew up thinking they’re lesser and not worthy and hated (by you)…..

~

“I miss her every day, and the worst of it? The worst of it is that she never existed.” 

See, this is fascinating to me because it’s not true, but it is complicated. Cousin Annie was always a mask of sorts, but so is the sea witch, and both guises enable her to do thing she can’t do when she’s being the other one. There was genuine, honest vulnerability that Liz got to see from her that very, very few people do. There was also so much withheld context. 

But I don’t think Liz ever understands to what degree the Luidaeg was honest with her—which makes sense! How is she to know what was true and what was a lie? So it falls into the category of “things that would be nice for the Luidaeg to explain, if she ever manages to stop being an asshole to Liz.”

~

“Mathias had beer. Mathias always had beer — his parents were Canadian, and they’d been letting him drink since he was fourteen, the lucky stiff. Colin had the weed.” 

I so want to know if this is actually intended to be Mathias from The Unkindest Tide and Colin from A Local Habitation. I know the wiki says that the Colins are the same, but his backstory in ALH doesn’t work with this story—but is that just a continuity issue? It’s hard to believe that there would be two Selkies with the same name at the same time, even if the Selkies overall reuse names…..

also Colin is the weed guy in both ALH and ISST. 

Mathias’s backstory also contradicts if it’s meant to be the same one, bc he’s meant to live on the same coast and be part of Roan Rathad in this one, but if I can headcanon that he was just temporarily living with another clan to see what it’s like over there, I really want him to be the same guy. It’s much more fun if these other Selkies were all part of the same teen friend group as Liz 😄

~

cw: discussion of suicide 

“Former Selkies almost never stay within sight of the sea. The ones who do always wind up drowning when the need to go back to the sea gets to be too much for them.”

oof at the high risk of suicide among Selkies that pass their skins. (I have a lot of feelings in general about mental illness in the Selkie clans and the ways that we see it be normalized or ignored.)

end warning

~ The schism between Selkies and Selkiekin is so intense, and yet there’s such a sense of collective family identity, it’s so interesting. And it really does make you feel for the clan leaders, and how they are responsible for everyone and making sure everyone’s being taken care of, but they are also Selkies and thus firmly on one side of that divide, where their Selkiekin cousins are concerned.

The whole thing of Liz not knowing if she’ll ever get a skin, despite being an only child, and presumed heir is somewhat confusing?? Although we do see a great-grandmother passing a skin to a great-grandchild in this story, skipping over her children and grandchildren, some of whom might not even be alive anymore? 

So I guess she can’t expect that one of her parents will pass their skin to her generation, because they could decide to live a lot longer—Daisy’s great-grandmother was three hundred. 

(Interesting that some folks still do wait a while, and possibly have their children outlive them.)

~

“What are you?” said Mathias bluntly. Tempe hissed for him to be quiet. He ignored her.

It really is infinitely funnier if this is the same Mathias. 😄

~ When I first read this story, it truly caught me by surprise that Liz is only sixteen when she meets Annie. 🥺

~ what Annie is pretending to be—a Selkiekin Roane changeling—is what Diva actually is. at least Liz can be reasonably confident Diva will transform (based on what Aldridge said), she won’t be denied the same way (Liz thinks) Annie was. but still interesting in the context of those seven years when Diva existed, but Liz didn’t know who Annie was yet.

~

“Someone had to stay and keep an eye on the children. The older cousins would relieve us around midnight, and then I could run.” 

again, that whole “we take care of each other” ethos, everyone is meant to pitch in with looking after the kids. and even when Liz does Not want to be on duty, she doesn’t consider ditching her family responsibilities, she’s just looking forward to being off shift.

~

“[Annie] would have nothing but this: empty kitchens and watching cousins walk into the waves when she had to stay on the shore.”

the way Liz is actually Not Wrong about this…..

(except it’s by choice)

~

“Yeah, well.” Colin frowned, keeping his arm around my shoulders. It seemed suddenly like he was smothering me, but I couldn’t figure out how to step away without insulting him. It was clear that he saw Annie as a threat. I just didn’t know why. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing too.”

Colin at the Convocation of Consequences has the dawning realization that he was in a brief teenage love triangle with the sea witch 😄

(sorry buddy you were never gonna win that one, she’s a lesbian)

~

“[Annie] didn’t judge me because of what I did or didn’t have. She never would.”

oh noooo Liz is so painfully wrong about that 😭

it’s not that she doesn’t care if Liz has a skin or not, it’s that she has the opposite judgment of what Liz is used to. and that judgment is gonna be so much worse when it hits

~ Liz and Colin are definitely hooking up, given that she intends to sleep with him that night originally. and given all the sulking, he very much has a thing for her. but given that she goes off and kisses Annie that same evening, she clearly does Not think they have that kind of relationship, they’re just friends that hook up sometimes.

so really only Colin thinks he’s in a love triangle 😄

~

dammit this beach scene still tugs at my heartstrings

(I think because, despite it not being in her pov, I can feel the Luidaeg catching feelings in spite of herself)

but oof, she is millennia old and Liz is barely eighteen

and that’s not even the most dramatic invisible power dynamic at play

it’s never brought up in relation to Liz, but I definitely remember Toby having a thought about how all the Firstborn affect their descendant races and how she thinks the Luidaeg’s effect might be making the Selkies trust her more than they should

and gonna circle back to this later but I do think there’s evidence to support the Luidaeg giving off “trust me, don’t ask too many probing questions” vibes

~

“Every day was a tug-of-war between dreaming of my own future and realizing the horror of what would have to happen for that future to be mine. A relative could choose to pass his or her skin, becoming mortal and dying in the human way, but that’s not the usual way for Selkies to be made. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many of us. We die younger and more often than almost any other race in Faerie.”

They are fully fae, but they have a way higher death rate than other fae. And this has kind of scary implications for the Roane? If the Selkies are more prone to deadly accidents because they don’t grow up as fae and are only thrust into that world later, the same is true of the new Roane. Except if they die, no one will become fae in their place.

on the other hand, maybe the fact that they’re all seers now really helps cut down on the fatal accidents

~

“Was Annie already aware that I’d been passed up again, and that I was the last of the little bonfire circle she has stumbled into eight years ago?” 

🥺🥺 at the fracturing of Liz’s friend group and how isolated it leaves her.

~

also I have to assume that Liz’s parents don’t realize Liz is having a casual flirtation with the sea witch, otherwise why did they not make sure she was picked for Tempe’s skin, thus ending that.

It really is their decision that drives her completely towards Annie 😬

~

“There was a choice there, blurred by sweet red wine and sea-salt tears. Annie didn’t reach for my hands. She was leaving me the room to make that choice on my own, and I appreciated that, because I knew, just looking at her, that she was offering me something more than sex. Sex was easy; sex was fun and cathartic and nothing even remotely like a commitment. But Annie….

Annie had been hurt before. I knew it every time I looked at her.” 

Given the timeline, what Liz says here, and how she talks about hooking up with various people as a teen in an “experimenting and figuring herself out” way in DTL, this is definitely her first serious romantic relationship. 

and also, as of present day, her last 😔

~

[EDIT: oh the sex scene is…..it’s the beginning of a relationship destined to implode, but they’re also so horny and enthusiastic it’s easy to forget that part. it’s hot! them getting handsy before they’re even in the room…..😳]

~

“We went to Disneyland, where she kissed me on the Haunted Mansion ride and we had our pictures taken with Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother.”

the Luidaeg canonically taking her girlfriend on a vacation date to Disneyland is very on brand but also. the dramatic irony of the whole sea witch thing is. yeah

~

“My mother sighed. My father cried. I loaded my things into the back of Annie’s car, and together we drove to San Francisco, where her apartment was waiting for us.”

godddd this hurts when you realize both her parents Know

Liz’s parents: …..fuck fuck we should have given her Tempe’s skin

it has to hurt so much, knowing that your daughter’s girlfriend is lying to her, knowing that she’s far more dangerous and powerful than your daughter knows, and being unable to say anything

~

“It was surprisingly spacious, taking up most of the ground floor of an old brick building near the wharf.” 

the vague horror of Liz moving into a skerry entirely controlled by her girlfriend and having no idea

I also would like to know how the Luidaeg managed the whole “people bugging her for bargains” thing during the years Liz was living with her

yeah a lot of people Stay Away because of her reputation, and most don’t know where exactly she lives, but some do!

[EDIT: someone else suggested that it’s a different apartment than the one we see in the books, and specifically a different door to the same skerry. so she still has her “sea witch” apartment elsewhere. and I’ve adopted that headcanon!]

~

“We walked hand-in-hand through the city until it was almost dawn, and then we ran back to the apartment, and fell into bed, and held each other through the sunrise.” / “I was restless, moving from job to job until I found a position as a night clerk at a store that sold skin magazines and dirty movies.”

so the implication is that Liz basically lived nocturnally while she was with Annie, although she was still human.

~

“We’d been living together for almost a year before I asked about her family.”

This this is the reason I think the Luidaeg is giving off some flavor of “trust me / don’t pry” vibes. They’ve been dating for years before this, and Liz has never thought to ask about her family? That sounds completely implausible, unless maybe Liz is subconsciously being steered away from asking questions about Certain Things. I don’t think it’s something Annie’s actively doing, it’s just a feature of being Liz’s First and the subtle influence that gives her. And it takes this long for the weirdness of not having ever asked about Annie’s family to finally overrule the vague “don’t pry” vibes.

I could see that when they’re in the “we meet up and chat and flirt and kiss at clan occasions” stage of their relationship, but they’ve been properly dating for eight years by that point, they’ve been living together for a year. That is a long time to never ask “Where are you from?” (which is the specific question Liz asks)

I can’t imagine seriously dating someone in general and not knowing anything about their family—even knowing that it’s complicated and they don’t like talking about their family would be knowing something. But Annie has to tell Liz that she’s not very comfortable talking about her family, which means even that hasn’t come up in conversation before.

~

“My mother…went away. And my father couldn’t stand to be around me after that. He left me by the sea. Said ‘It’s in your hands now, Annie,’ and walked away. I haven’t seen him since.” Her breath hitched, and I realized with a start that she was crying. “I miss them so much.”  

god I love this scene.

it says so much about her complicated relationship with her parents, and thus says so much about how she is being honest with Liz when she doesn’t have to be. she could have invented a different backstory for herself, but she told the truth — because that’s such a huge part of why she pretends to be Selkiekin, she gets to show emotions and build connections she never would be able to otherwise. this conversation is so intensely personal because she is choosing for it to be, she chooses to pour out some of her messy feelings towards her parents and cry about them and let herself be held.

~

“Did she know, even then, that I was lying to her? Did I know? I like to think not.”

(this is about the “I’ll never leave you” promise.) oh Liz 🥺 you meant it at the time, it wasn’t a lie

also! thinking about it…..that was never a promise she could keep, what with her being mortal.

the best thing she could do to keep it was take the skin. and she very clearly intended to come back, she wasn’t breaking up with Annie. she just didn’t think Annie would follow through on the ultimatum.

she did go back, afterwards. she didn’t walk away.

Liz didn’t leave Annie. Annie left her.

~ okay I’m at that scene now and it’s like. this? this is meant to be the betrayal that the Luidaeg holds against her for two decades and counting?

she made the best decision she could with the information she had!

Drown the Lamenting gets into this more, but there’s the visible age gap struggle and how she assumes it would lead to a break up eventually — and the skin would fix that.

(or at least not make it worse, she doesn’t actually know it’ll age her down)

She promised to never leave Annie, and the immortality would help guarantee that.

This is what she’s wanted her whole life, this is her dream. She has no reason to think there’s anything wrong with it.

Even if it was just the last point — I genuinely believe she did nothing wrong by choosing her life’s dream, especially when “you can pick your dream or me” is a pretty shitty ultimatum to give to someone. tbh I wouldn’t blame her if she did choose to break up with Annie at that point, but she didn’t even do that! she thought Annie didn’t really mean it.

the Luidaeg chose to withhold crucial information from her, and then has been punishing her for making the wrong choice all this time.

Liz literally doesn’t understand why it’s an either/or decision, as far as she’s concerned there’s no reason for it to be?? why can’t Liz be a Selkie and they can stay together??

so yeah, she picks the choice that gives her what she wants and would make them both equally immortal, instead of the choice that requires her to deny her dream and continue to age and has no benefit other than “doesn’t make Annie jealous bc she can’t have the sea,” as far as Liz is concerned. I don’t think it was a betrayal at all.

the part that could be seen as a betrayal is her choosing to take the skin of a dead Roane, when Annie, who she thinks is part Roane, will never have the sea. but at that point it’s literally take the skin or die, so.

which is also a deal the Luidaeg put in place! she’s the reason Liz can’t choose to back out at the last moment.

~

“Damn it, Annie! That’s not fair! Have you looked in a mirror lately? I’m getting old! I’m going to keep getting old, and then I’m going to die, and I’m going to leave you alone again! I’m doing this for you!”

Annie laughed, a sound as bitter and lost as the bellow of a foghorn. “No, Liz. Don’t even try that on for size. You’re doing this for you. Because you want it. Because you feel like you were cheated somehow. Well, you weren’t cheated, Liz. I gave you everything I had it in my power to give. You weren’t cheated. I was not a second place ribbon.” 

She thinks Liz is just making excuses, but we know the age thing is clearly bothering Liz, that it’s not just an excuse. Liz is also definitely doing this because she wants it, but she has no reason to think it’s a Selkie skin or Annie, not until Annie lays down this ultimatum.

“I gave you everything I had it in my power to give.” …..except the truth

~

cw: discussion of suicide 

My mother’s mouth twisted. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I tried to be strong, for your sake; I tried to let you go. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t sit by and watch you leave us. I’m so sorry. I was weak.”

🥺 this scene hurts more after reading Drown the Lamenting knowing she knows that passing the skin will kill her. It will kill her, and it will hurt Liz, but she is doing it anyways because she can’t watch Liz stay with the sea witch forever. and the defiance of this skin passing, choosing to risk the sea witch’s wrath by taking Liz away from her. because getting her daughter away is more important than the consequences. she already knows she won’t survive this.

end warning

~

her father being buried in the sea, and there clearly being traditions around burials is another way the Selkies are Not Like Other Fae—they’re close enough to the mortal world for the night haunts to more often leave bodies behind for them to bury, often enough that they have burial traditions. (it also reminds me of how their wakes also buck fae tradition, being more lively celebrations of life)

and given that he would have no reason to pass his skin because his daughter is already a Selkie, and since Liz’s mom died after passing her skin he probably wouldn’t want to leave Liz the same way, I doubt his death was expected the same way? It seems more likely that there was an accident of some kind, as there more often is with Selkies, and he died unexpectedly and as a Selkie.

I wonder if, post-Diva’s birth but pre-his death, the question of “is Liz still his heir?” actively came up? because Liz broke the rules and had a changeling child and is she still allowed to inherit the clan? and only the Selkies, not the Selkiekin, know the full Selkie-Roane connection and thus might understand why having a Roane changeling kid might be different. Did the question of inheritance have to be ironed out beforehand? Or was it assumed if the sea witch had a problem with that, it would be dealt with if Liz tried to take over the clan?

~

The mourners were a constant tide, terrifying my daughter—sweet Diva, only seven years old, with her father’s huge green eyes and my tendency toward stillness—and forcing me to answer questions I wasn’t yet prepared for.

huh I’d forgotten about the “tendency towards stillness” line. because we see Diva so little, but she is in constant motion when we do—running to be the first to the door, running around the house, running up to Annie and talking a mile a minute.

I realize it could be “I hadn’t thought much about this character”/Not That Deep, but I could also take it as Diva was a much quieter/shyer kid than she is as a teenager, that she used to tend towards watching the room.

~

“I was contemplating the liquor cabinet”

Liz inheriting the clan was probably what kicked off the road to where her alcoholism is now—between access to a place to hide from the rest of the clan (with a place to store alcohol already included) and having her world upended that same day.

~

The door swung open, revealing the heads of the three nearest Selkie clans: the Chase, O’Connell, and Anthony families.

We know the O’Connell and Chase clans are East Coast (and so is the Lefebvre clan)—and they’re all relatively close together and 3/5 of the North American clans. idk why there are so many Selkies in that area in particular, enough for three major clans, but I’d like to think the Anthony clan is somewhere else—it’s never said, so in fic I’ve placed them on the northwest coast of North America.

and presumably Seanan hadn’t invented the the Lefebvre clan yet, otherwise they would have been included in this bit. because they’re not any further than the Chase or O’Connell clans.

so presumably the clan leaders were around already for the multi day funeral, it’s probably something that’s expected when someone knew takes charge. (Liz also says “There’s more?” implying that they’ve all been talking to her a lot already, but they’ve been waiting for the Luidaeg to show up to do this last bit.)

[EDIT: Never mind, the coastal distribution of clans makes sense—given the Selkie clans presumably originated in Scotland, it makes sense that a majority of the modern North American Selkies would be clustered around Nova Scotia.]

~

I stood before I could think better of it, almost stumbling as I raced around the desk. “Annie! Annie, I missed you so much, I—”

it’s been eight and a half years and Annie was the one who disappeared without a trace on her, the one who failed to communicate. and her immediate reaction is still to welcome her, to want to talk and fix things.

and the Luidaeg could have done this reveal in private, but she chose to let Liz embarrass herself in front of the clan leaders—her new peers and the only people who are allowed to know who Annie is.

the Drama of this reveal ahhh

I remembered winding my fingers through that hair while she cried out, muffling her voice against my skin. I looked at that hair now and knew without touching it that it would slice my fingers, that every strand would be razor-edged and deadly.

this image ahhhh — a good memory soured, intimacy and closeness vs a warning to stay away…..I am Hurting

~

I forced myself not to look away from her. “I missed you,” I said. “I buried you,” she replied.

Liz just found out Annie lied to her for decades and the very first thing she says is still I missed you……god

“I buried you” what a cruel thing to say and then leave and it’s also not true, Annie has not moved on from Liz the way she’s acting like she has here, the things she says about Liz later on point to many emotions roiling under the surface.

~

These are the things every Selkie-child knows: that the sea does not love us, that we are finite and flawed, and that we must never, never trust the sea-witch. I know all these things to be true.

that last line oof. the lesson she learned in the end is that all the warnings were true 🥺

~

Because I made the greatest mistake of all, a mistake that may well be unique in all our world: I loved her, and she loved me. I broke her heart. I proved that we are still no better than we were. Even after all these generations, we are still betraying her.

Liz did break her heart, but the rest of what Liz says here is so much more blame than she deserves, she really has internalized that it was all her fault, even to the point of comparing taking her mother’s skin to the original murder and theft of the skin. “we are still no better than we were.” holy shit taking a skin your family was bound to on purpose to keep the magic alive is not in any way comparable to murdering the Roane to try to become immortal.

(I am thinking about “You’re going to cut yourself to ribbons already over the things you can’t undo” and I am so sad about her 😔)

~

in DTL she finally stopped dreaming of Annie and started to be well rested and now she says she always dreams of Annie and it’s what she deserves 🥺

~

“At least my daughter will be spared the choice.”

once again she talks about Diva being spared the betrayer’s bargain as the key Thing (I’m noting this bc of how the narrative of Diva as apology is only ever something other characters say, and Liz recoiled from the idea of having a kid as an apology to someone, but she did like the idea of a kid who would never need to wear a skin to have the sea).

interesting that it’s left ambiguous what exactly she’s “not sorry” about. her relationship with Annie? her choice to leave and take the skin? (I mean, probably not that—although it’s complicated actually, because if she never left Annie, Diva wouldn’t exist).

[kadextra]

so on a whim I started reading omniscient reader’s viewpoint manhwa

..and got hooked on the story so hard that I easily blasted through all available eps in less than a week. istg they put dr*gs in this thing it’s so good???? 😭

[SPOILER WARNING! big ramble ahead. if you’ve never read it, leave this post. consider checking it out you won’t be able to put it down]

lets get this out of the way first.

RAHHHHHH KIM DOKJA….. KIM DOKJA I LOVE YOU

GUYSSSSS 🥺 LISTEN. HE’S SUCH A GOOD PROTAGONIST. MY TRAUMA BOY. MY DUDE WITH THE POWER TO INFODUMP PEOPLE TO DEATH. YOU SELF-SACRIFICING IDIOT. his cunning intelligence makes him super attractive what can I say, I LOVE smart mcs with ambiguous morality and self sacrificial nature

here’s a big ✨shut your mouth✨ to every character who’s said he’s ugly- get your eyes checked, get a job get away from him (I know it’s because of the fourth wall’s filter it’s not their fault I’m just being silly)

the fourth wall is such a cool power to have. the complexity of how it acts based on his perception of fiction vs reality as the reader …. that’s very interesting and well thought out!!! how it lowkey has a consciousness too and it’s so tied into his mental state makes me want to psychoanalyze this guy even more. probably one of the most unique powers I’ve seen created and explored in a story tbh

I think the entire system of how the world works is really well done in general. constellations watching the apocalyptic bloodbath via livestream and sending donos to their favorite little guys shouldn’t work as well as it does and cracks me up so much 😭 (uriel is the best). I enjoy learning about all the irl different fables, history & mythologies too. plus doing my own research is fun! I did a deep dive through the web to learn about dokkaebi folklore lol I’m having a good time

I also related hard to how dokja read TWSA throughout his life, the story was a companion for him. got choked up bc I reflected on how much my own favorite companion stories for years mean to me. there’s been situations I’ve thought “what would (character) do?” dokja saying stuff like “what would joonghyuk do?” felt like I got called out <3 I’d probably be the same as him if my favorite characters suddenly came to life

anyways yeah I caught up with the manhwa looked online and discovered it comes from an already completed novel with over 500 chapters and the manhwa is barely a third into adapting it though it’s been releasing every week for 4 years. and that it’ll take like 10 more years to finish. I then planted my face in my hands and screamed with despair

I’ll shrivel up waiting to see what happens……………heyyy woahhhh.. whats this light of salvation ? the novel file just completed download on my phone ? that’s crazyy wow I opened it ? im scrolling it right now ? omg I’m telling myself in the mirror “pace yourself, try to space your reading out do NOT read too fast” ?

jokes aside im excited, first I’ll take some time to read back through the earlier chapters for extra context of scenes! >:D after I finish doing that…. pls pray for my self-control to try stretching this for as long as possible. I’m pumped to see what happens next with this demon king part so maybe I’ll read along with the manhwa unless I get too impatient heh

to conclude- I had no idea the fandom of orv was so passionate. while closing my eyes to spoilers, I was looking at beautiful fanart and animatics (watched this one and ascended that’s one of my fav rin songs). I can tell how much you guys love the story, there’s always going to be people like me who get interested so keep it up :D if the fandom does end up reading this, ummm *knocks on the door* hi im new

I will likely talk about it more in the future!! tagging under “#kade reads orv” ! might draw fanart on my art blog too bc brainworms <3 happy reading everyone

[bots-and-cons]

Hey a while back I sent in an ask that wasn’t an ask it was more like a submission. I didn’t think about it getting deleted when I re-deleted my account. I do that during collage semesters to fight the adhd urge to scroll and put off schoolwork but I pop in from time to time to check on old friends and interact.

Long story short this is the inspiration for the asking each respectable mech to take care of their tortoise Shelldon when they are gone. (Thanks for writing that btw😄) I went with an African spurred tortoise because it’s own-able. The real life Shelldon is an endangered and federally protected gopher tortoise that I think is about 3 years old now because he showed up in the spring of 2022 and mother gopher tortoises have been observed allowing offspring to hunker down in their burrow for their first winter.

But yeah dude showed up when I was replanting lettuce in my greenhouse and he started rummaging through the plants I just tossed on top of the compost pile, then he dug his burrow against my fence, and in a cat like fashion I have tortoise now and thus can never move 😂.

Due to him being a wild and protected tortoise I don’t want him to become dependent so I feed him only every so often and avoid dropping food (and I do a ton of research on what he can and can’t have) at the same time of morning or afternoon. I typically give him stuff most during the dry season since we’ve had droughts and in the winter when things die back. I will sprinkle stuff in the yard occasionally so he gets assorted veggies, I bought a small cylinder of grassland tortoise pellets, and he gets calcium fortified tortoise treats to find when out foraging every so often. But my biggest thing has been planting native grasses and a little patch of dandelions and wild pea plants against the fence.

I mean I probably shouldn’t interact with him at all legally but he moved into my yard and seemed to have a rough first year on his own, I had to move him back to his hole a few times because he got lost in my yard in 100 degree heat at the hottest part of the day when tortoises or really any animals avoid being out and started pacing in circles by the walkway because he knew he couldn’t get back to his hole in time and his shell was scalding hot those times I had to pick him up but he has seemed to have learned his lesson on what time of day is appropriate to be out and I haven’t had to move him since.

But yeah thank you for answering my ask, sorry for the ramble, and I hope you have a great week! 😄

I was wondering what happened to the ask, I thought tumblr was just being tumblr, because the amount of asks in my inbox didn't change but the ask itself disappeared. At least now I know what causes the phantom ask thingy to happen.

Anyway, I love all kinds of tortoises/turtles, and I think they're super cool, and Shelldon is also very cute. All of that is also really interesting, honestly I don't know much about tortoises in general even though we used to have one when I was a kid. Shelldon has a cool story to go with him too I see :D I think the way you're taking care of him is very reasonable and it's good you're not making him be dependent on you. Idk about the legality of it, but I don't think it's a bad thing. He looks very cute in the pictures, one hungry boi :D

[avionvadion]

One, really love the drabble regarding El and Lucifer. Especially since you can tell Lucifer is struggling to stay in the moment, but Elanora is doing a pretty good job keeping him grounded in reality. Which works out in his favor because that actively lets him start writing the letter instead of giving up before he even starts.

Two, I admit it. Whilst I know the circumstances probably won't let it happen, I can totally see El joining in on Ellie and Charlie's duet during "You Didn't Know" (maybe she was dragged along so she can guilt trip the higher ups of Heaven lol) because sure, she may not be able to come up with lyrics on the spot, but I can see her being able to join in on that sort of thing. And, well, considering everything revealed at Heaven El would be justified in getting a bit angry at Sera alongside Ellie and Charlie-

Alsjslsjlaksks thank youuuu! 💕💕💕

I struggled so hard trying to write Lucifer a song. El was going to sing a song that followed the line of “trust me” but I couldn’t find one outside of FnaF and Jungle Book (oh the irony there) before scrolling through my old middle school Sound Cloud playlist and was like, wait. Holy frick. Lost Within fits Luci so well???? And thus that happened, lol.

Anyways! Sorry. I ramble.

Luci’s brain is so scrambled, he needs someone to pull him back sometimes. I imagine there ends up being a few moments when he and El are together and he starts to get so distant it actually starts to scare her, and she ends up grabbing his arm- surprising him and snapping him out of his spiraling mind- to make sure he doesn’t just… disappear.

And for sure El would go with them. Charlie will be using her to be like, “All the Sinners at the hotel have been protecting this poor, innocent soul that was wrongly summoned to Hell! She’s been helping me redeem them, one step at a time!”

Heaven is absolutely going to lose their shit because WHAT DO YOU MEAN A HUMAN WAS SUMMONED INTO HELL!??? Emily would be ecstatic while Sera is just… no longer functioning.

They probably try to convince her to stay in Heaven instead since she’s so “pure hearted” or whatever and it’d be safer for her, but El is like, “Haha sorry I promised Lucifer a thing so I gotta stay” and they’re like “LUCIFER!??? WHAT PROMISE!???” “Ah, well, he said he’d protect me if I give him advice about some stuff and I kinda gotta be in Hell for that…” and Adam just fucking loses it. “BITCH YOU’RE STAYING IN HELL FOR THAT FUCKING LOSER???” “That loser’s ex wife used to be YOUR wife, dude” “SHUT THE FUCK UP, STAY IN HELL. HOPE YOU DIE TOMORROW AND TURN INTO A DEMON SO I CAN EXTERMINATE YOU NEXT WEEK”

(Adam immediately gets smacked upside the head by Sera)

I think by that point in time, El has been in Hell for so long she can participate in songs- but she can’t burst out singing with one of her own. Also maybe her relationship with Lucifer comes into a play a bit, since he’s magic (ancient magic, specifically) and… well…

Being repeatedly exposed to magic would certainly start letting one be affected by it, right? Haha… ha… ahem. Maybe she isn’t wholly human anymore after a while. El may not have fallen or died, but giving oneself to the literal King of Hell, former archangel or not, isn’t about to let you stay Human. 👀

Anyways. Yeah. El would be pissed and would probably throw shade at the angel council that, while Hell may be full of horrors, the people there are at least honest- something Angels are supposed to be- and have gone out of their way to make her feel welcome, whereas Heaven is full of hypocrites and assholes like Adam who just make her uncomfortable.

“If Hell is forever then Heaven must be a lie! If Angels can do whatever and remain in the sky!” Ellie hops up on the table behind Emily and Charlie. “The rules are shades of gray, when you don’t do as you say! When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again!”

Hell is Forever is such a freaking bop though oh my gods. You Didn’t Know a masterful reprise of it.

I’m obsessed with Loser, Baby though. It’s so swingy and jazzy and UGH. It’s so good.

[dexiiexox]

Bestfriend headcanons for Nick Sturniolo💜

a/n; Hihi! First time writing for Nick :))👍 might be off, but these are just what I imagine so enjoyyy :> and I know for a FACT that there are so many words Ive spelled wrong in this one, but Im too lazy to proof read it :)

Nick Sturniolo x reader (platonic)

warnings: none?

summary: headcanons of what I imagine being bestfriends with Nick Sturniolo would be like!

SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING MISTAKES❕

————————————————————————

I firmly belive that Nick would never jugde you if you’re close friends, he might not always agree on certain topics, but he would never jugde you

And that is also why you guys have such a close bond, you guys are able to tell eachother everything, wether it’s realationships, concerns, drama, something that’s recently been going on, anything, doesnt matter, you guys tell eachother

I just know he would take your concerns very seriously, he would always be there and listen to you rant to him about anything and nothing

And he would have no problem telling people off if they were out of line.

It had been a pretty stressful week and on top of that some of your "friends" had been acting so wierd. You guys hadnt hung out in a while, and you guys had decided to meet up since you had some openings in your schedual. But when you guys had hung out they had just been somewhat rude to you the whole time and made snarky comments. About the way you spoke or what you said.

You brushed it off in the start, but it just carried on and it honestly hurt. You just decided to stay quiet for the rest of the evening and left after you guys had grabbed some food.

You had just gotten home to your apartment, when you got a notification from your phone. It was a Snapchat notification, from a group.

You had been added in a groupchat with those same "friends" you had hung out with. There was one long message from them telling you they thought you had been acting wierd the whole evening. They stated that they thought it was rude that you werent talking much and left so quietly. They meant that you had changed.

You didnt really understand why they said that, where was all of this coming from? You hd been nothing but nice, despoter their comments and behaviour. You just sighed deeply and didnt bother to respond. All you wanted to do was shower and done off on the couch for the night.

You we’re able to take a shower before the doorbell rang. Getting dressed fairly quick, you went and opened the door. You we’re met with concerned Nick, now feiles written in his face.

I can definetly imagine Nick calling you or FaceTiming you whenever he needs to rant about shit that just annoys him

I was sat at my desk, browsing through random stuff on my laptop.I was in my own little bubble, listening to some slow songs and just mindlessly scrolling. That was until a loud ring startled me and brought me out of my daze.

It was a FaceTime call from Nick and I could see his face on screen. I pauses the music and answered the call.

"Hey-" I was cut short.

"Holy fuck!" Nick was basically screaming through the phone.

I was taken a back by his loud voice.

"Whats up?" I asked concerned seeing how bothered he sounded.

"Chris has been a fucking idiot all night." he let out a huff as he layed down on his bed. I just laughed a little.

"What’s he done now?" I gave Nick a questioning look.

"Oh boy if you knew, kids spilled my whole fucking Snapple in the car" I could clearly hear the annoyance in Nicks voice. I just giggled a little imagining how that scene wouldve looked like.

"And he’s jumping around like a damn monkey! He jumped back ONTO me!" He raider his voice again. I burst out laughing at that point and Nick ended up letting out a few giggles as well.

"Hellooo? Isnt that crazy?" He asked still giggling lightly.

"Sounds like Chris to me" I smiled back.

From there the conversation just went on, Nick rambled some more about Chris' shananigans in the car before we started talking about everything else that came to mind.

I also imagine that Nick would need help figuring out what to wear, and sometimes you would too

Like before going out, you guys just sit on the bed while the other one tries on different outfits and get the others opinion on it

(UFHSKDNDN i just need to use this opertunity to say that Nick is SO FUCKING PRETTY!! He looks so gorgeous I dont even know where to start)

Nick had invited me to go out for dinner with him, Chris, Matt and a few of their other friends.

And as usual I had stopped by their apartment so me and Nick could help eachother find the right outfit for the night. I had brought with me a few different outfits and clothes I was thinking about wearing, but I still couldnt really figure it out.

I had chatted with the three of them in the kitchen for a while before me and Nick made out way to his bedroom to get ready.

We had spendt some time trying to find the right outfit for Nick, and we finally found it. We ended up with him wearing his red and black knitted sweater, black parachute pants, his black chunky shoes and a pair of black glasses as an accesorie.

We spendt a good while figuring out what I would wear, all the outfits I tried either seemed somewhat off or like something was missing.

"No, it looks kind of odd?"

"Yeah, I dont know about this one"

"Absolutely not"

I tried on dresses, skrits, tops, shorts, fishnets, and I tired mutiple different outfits, but nothing felt right.

"The pants made it kind of wierd"

"Ouuhh.. yeah no-.."

"I think I’m loosing my mind, what the hell is this?"

I rubbed my eyes and sighed. I went back into the bathroom and tried on my last outfit. I looked myself in the mirror and smiled. I actually really liked it, but I needed to see what Nick thought of it. So I opened the door and stepped into his room. Nick looked up from his phone and smiled at me.

"Uhh yeah! Defiently, you look good girl!"

I smiled at his compliment.

"Thanks"

We both finished getting ready, we chilled downstairs with Matt and Chris before we all headed out for the evening.

————————————————————————

Im too lazy to write more :)👍

Regardless of that though, hope you had a good night or day and youre worth so much💕💕

-dexy💕

[acid-onthefloor]

this is more like a diary entry of me working through things, not really a vent. ignited by a video about the incel to trans pipeline of all things, which made me think about myself really unexpectedly, because of the part where she talks about her own story. i linked the video below for those interested, the whole thing is pretty interesting, not just the autobiographic part. anyways, this is mostly for myself and whoever wants to take a medium lenghth stroll through my brain, for whatever reason. making a cut because i don't want everyone else to scroll past an incomprehensible rambling wall of text. which it is. i'm not reading it over, idc

i just watched a video by a trans woman, in which she talked about her transition, and her feelings towards gender and her growing up, etc and just... idk. recently i have been questioning a lot again, because i talked to my mother, who is very very certain that i am not transgender and that my feelings will stop once i am firmly out of puberty. and you know, she is a therapist, she works with trans people herself, she regularly talks about it with other, more experienced professionals. and she was right, in everything she said. about the way your feelings towards yourself and your body develop, about the fact that most teenage girls feel this diconnect from their bodies, about her own experience, the way my own internal life isn't that close to what many trans people describe, about my autism et cetera. but i don't think her assumption that i am a girl is correct. and the way this person talks about herself solidifies that. i see myself exactly in this weird confused detached mush of a child and teenager and young adult she describes, just the other way around. and the way she described her hesitance to transition and to fully accept herself as a girl, because of the assumtion that she will never be fully able to be one, because of her body, and because she lacks this intrinsic knowledge of herself as a woman. and that's exactly what i feel. it's why i am incredbly hesitant to make any efforts to appear more masculine, by working out or wearing a different hairstyle or acting and talking differently, even with HRT. it just feels like it can never be like the real thing (the last part is also something my mom said and it's been clinging onto me, but it was there before.) also, the similarities between her first counselor and my mom. they say the exact same thing, and i think it comes from the same kind of misunderstanding, or lack of understanding, that psychologically educated cis people tend to have. i think their perspective or view on us might be an entirely different picture than our experience, even more than it is with other issues people go to a therapist for. it's so strange, and my inability to put my own experience into words doesn't make it better. not sure if you can really put it into precise clinical words anyways. probably not. the video also made my desire to actually pursue medical transition come back again, after my insecurity because of my mother. to me, the woman in the video assumed the role of her own second counselor. does it matter if i'm a real boy? the pain is real and i know what to do to fix it. it doesn't matter if i'm a pervert or confused or a real boy, whatever that is. i'm just me.

side notes: the way she talks about her experience being bullied for "feminine" traits, her softness, her emotional expressions etc made me in turn realize what i experienced. i never had particularly masculine hobbies, but something one might call a "masculine" personality. it's the exact opposite of her. i felt alienated for my lack of emotional softness and expression, of definetly not feeling the way i percieved the other girls to feel. but instead of being labeled a faggot, i just was percieved as a rude bitch. i know my behaviour would have been much more accepted had i been a boy. i've seen it. now, i do know that these kinds of emotional types of people aren't indicative of gender as much as i made it sound like, and in my case, a lot of it was (still is) because realizing and expressing your emotions is a bit different (harder) when you're autistic. fun fact: this changed a little after discovering my gender. i've never been able to really cry, and at some point i realized it was out of fear of weakness. than i realized this was blueprint toxic masculinity, which girl me somehow imposed on herself. i can cry now, at least a little.

more side notes: realizing my feelings through the opposite experiences of trans women is a lot easier than through those of trans men, at least to me. it feels less like comparing myself to someone else, and more like discovering yourself in a negative print of your own image. also, my internalized transphobia saying something about "confused teenage girls unhappy with the struggles of womanhood seeking escape" can shut up, because... well. can't really make that point here, can you

anyways, here's the video. i really enjoyed it

[rin-and-jade]

Im so happy to see you taking a break and I hope the break is very nice!

I understand there might be a delay in responses but thats okay, please take your time your health is more important !!

Be prepared for a huge wall of text so sorry in advance-

But, i have a few things im just itching to ask gahhh

Firstly, we originally believed we had little to no amnesia (believing osdd-1b) BUT since then we realised the amnesia is so much heavier than we realised, we figured bc we could recall general events and it was calm in a sense (we saw majority of the time when people experience amnesia its distressing and the loss of all memory) but, the memories are not memorying, so now we are assuming just DID, and that brings me to the second part...

fragments and subsystems, so, idk how valid this is (mostly bc my assumptions are based off vibes/gut instinct) but im fairly sure a subsystem occurred a few months back from a split where that alter just disappeared, which is unusual from what we have documented from the past 1.5 years (most splits the alter detaches from the stressor and those stressors mould a new alter to deal with it in a sense-) so from the recent odd split i believe a subsys was created as such? i have no clue except the vibes, in which it feels like a bunch of fragments in a sense? like i believe ive been fronting for months on my own for now, but there are some parts of my days where i just blank anything that happened, so im curious if there is-

and its not the only time as such where we have had this dreaded gut feeling there were more parts that might be dormant or even very separate, or even parts we dont even notice due to the nature of disorder being a whole lot of forgetting and the disorder pretending to not be the disorder and stuff ;-;

im so sorry for the huge rambles, if you have any advice or explanations or even resources i can read through to draw my own conclusions that would be so cool, bc as of right now im so scared to say this as i feel like im actually faking it for attention and theres no way i was traumatised enough for this and yadayada

tldr: should i trust my 'gut instincts' about system related information, or is my brain being silly?

I don't see the point on invalidating instincts, they're subconscious pattern detectors, so if you feel off, you bet it IS off. Though it's healthy to back it up with evidence preferably, and if there's no evidence yet, then you prowl like a predator in attempt to search for the truth scroll... cough--with a help from me whenever you need it, i mean im not going anywhere.

Also, you can check wether you have did or osdd by jotting down logs or patterns wether: you're memorying more or memorying less, the things you forgot, how often do you find yourself black/greying out, how distinct your personalities are, and wether you can easily remember other part's memories or able to grasp another facet of yourself (if you do not, or is really hard too, im sure this is 'did' from first impression)

--

Right, and for the advices, further explanations, or even resources are all answered by my previous edu posts where its compiled in the #jeducates tag,, i'd love you to just swim in it and process all my information like a sponge.. and come back the second time with more specific questions if you still need confirmation or assurances.

Let me know how it went, i'll be waiting for ya's update!

- c

[eldritchmusing]

Welcome to My Abode

Also known as the area where an eldritch rabbit rambles, rants, redesigns, and reblogs things that I don't particularly like about certain series or their fandoms.

So, if you are a die hard stan of any show/movie/webcomic/etc. I talk about here, then please do not interact, for the sake of my mental health and yours!

With many of these shows, I am very set in my views, so if you want to talk to me about the pros/cons of the shows, that is fine, but be aware that I will not move from.

Series that will be talked about here: Av/'s Demon, L/re O/ympus, H/llva B/ss, H/zbin H/tel, P/rsona, D/nganronpa, S/even U/iverse and more that will be added as I think of them. (censored so that the shitty search system won't pick up on them, the respective fandom critical tag will be tagged on this post)

With that being said, please make sure that you are not just hate scrolling through any of these critical tags, as I used to. It was very much not healthy for my brain to be constantly exposed to negativity, and if you have been scrolling in a critical tag for more than an hour, I highly encourage you to take a break.

This is not me saying "you shouldn't criticize anything".

Far from it, considering what this blog is about.

It's more that, while it's important to crticise things that need criticizing and calling out people when they fuck up, you need to be able to separate yourself from anything negative and not become too wrapped up in all of this and keep your own mental health in check.

So, with that in mind, I hope you enjoy your stay!

But, before you go, be sure to check out my tagging system that is below the cut. It'll make things much easier for you to navigate, especially as I go back and .

For real now, see you~!

👁️ eldritch murmuring | talking

🩸 the pact has been made | writing

🫀 forbidden masterpieces | art

♾️ twists in the universe | theories

💭 dreaming of what could be | rewrites

🧵 sewn back together | edits

👁️‍🗨️ from across the planes | reblogs

🌌 extraterrestrial beings | ava's demon

🌺 from the laurels and heavens | lore olympus

😈 impish desires | helluva boss

😇 unlikely redemption | hazbin hotel

🃏 what is in the cards | persona

💔 despair taking over | danganronpa

💎 what glitters isn't gold | steven universe

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

My own theory while I do be theory-ing with someone else -

is it possible that Rae's sibling isn't like, biologically related to him, at all? His sibling is neither Orchid's or Enderian's? Because, them being Enderian's and living with Orchid doesn't quite make sense? Maybe a little bit, but, like, hear my next words out-

Okay, like, Little tiny thing we seem to looking over (i think, i dont know if its been mentioned, the amount of time it would take to scroll back-), is the board from "Turn your back on the sun". One of the papers mentions that the Princess (Presumably Orchid) and her First Born (extra emphasis on *first*) are alive, A, and B, doing well. Now, presumably, through process of elimination, or, whatever, we can assume that Rae was born * during * the war. Also, presumably, those papers were put up, during the war. See where I'm getting??

Like, Rae is, presumably (assuming my assumptions are correct) the only biological child of Orchid, the whole first born thing, war stuff, and all. So. Yeah, that's a thing-

I would say, look at Enderian's dialogue during the Fable and Enderian memory, cutscene, thing. She simply says she doesn't have a child (and Fable also only refers to 1 child, so-). But maybe don't, because according to what I remember, Enderian's memories also got messed up during the resets? So, maybe don't fall back on that, but then again, maybe do. I dunno.

Dropping back to the first born thing, you can't exactly keep a child a secret. Like, I think it's pretty hard to do that, and we're talking about a princess with many a guard, and many a people looking out for her. No way is she able to hide a full blown biological child from the public, like, they would have to find out eventually. (All things considered, they probably knew? I mean, She had pictures said older sibling drew in the castle, very open, so.)

Uhhhhhh, rambley thought over? I'm writing this in a Google keep note, and I'm basically rambling to myself. So, bounce ideas off as you will-

[doggerell]

ai/ganbreeder ramblings below

Ive been having sooooo much fun with ganbreeder. I am not a fan of that glistening prompt based ai-- I find it ugly in a mostly uninteresting way-- but ganbreeders splicing tool is SO so fascinating. I like that it tracks the history of what images are spliced together and scrolling up the branches just to see more and more completely ai generated images is Fascinating. its ai inbreeding.. its corrupting itself. its grip on reality is ever-slipping because its only feeding itself its own mangled fingers. I think its so interesting. ai is SO scary to me so using it as a tool for horror and uncanny valley specifically is like. the ideal circumstance to me...

reading an article abt art based on ganbreeder images... Ive been thinking abt using it as a tool in my own art, through like photobashing or redrawing stuff, as a collaboration between me and the machine, but the perspective that its also collaboration with the greater ganbreeder community, with other humans as well... like duh, of course. like even in a side of the tool where-- as far as I can tell-- no ones original drawings/artworks are being used (maybe original photos have been inputted Far up the line of command. I havent been able to tell yet.) yeah the collaborate element is very much there where it promotes combination and.. breeding images so much. I think touting it as discovering images rather than creating images makes a lot of sense too. I feel so much complexity around the language of generative images.. like I dont wanna say "generative art" really cause people jump at that and theres a lot of discussion around defining art that... sometimes feels very reductive around what people consider art. but I do understand the concern as well when used in regards to ai. saying "generative content" makes me want to shoot myself though I hate the word content. personally.

anyway all of this is coming about because. Show Me An Angel is very much about ai horror. its about my fear of generative ai and the recklessness I feel the average consumer uses with it. its about what if you tried to play god and the machine decided to give you Exactly what you wanted. but its horrifying. its about a machines horrible dreams of flesh and god and divinity. its about accidentally inviting something sick and powerful into your life.

but working with ganbreeder has made it more complex because. it is sick. in a scary way but also a piteous way. like maybe Starling is hideous and powerful and terrifying but. hes also jittering weakly. and his bones are so, so thin and his limbs are too long and he Really doesnt know what his face or hands should look like or how many eyes or fingers or wings he should have and hes constantly reforming himself to try and fit the image. of what you need. because ultimately you are still in control. he is your prompt, your beast, and he may be too big for you to comprehend anymore, but you are still telling him what he needs to be. and hes sick because hes a virus, hes corrupting your computer and your life and your mind, but hes also sick because hes inbred. and the bottleneck of the unreality of him is going to kill him because he Cant exist like this. not outside the machine, not in the real world.

anyway. I dont think Ive pushed ganbreeder enough now. Im thinking abt thematic metadata. I tried to push images tagged as "dragons" and "angels" and such together to generate him because thats what I had in mind as the backbones of his design but Im thinking more now. I could do it through the genes... if I put a gene for a scorpion in there does it mean more to who he is? if I add in electric guitars and cardigans? like its a cheeky little nod back to the fact that this is Frank behind the curtains. like you dont know that unless you go into the image On ganbreeder and start splicing it yourself but... aah. its just interesting to add Intentionality and imagry to this fucking thing and youre never gonna see it. but its there. its like painting something and then painting over it again. what does it mean that its layered under there? I love abstraction and performance and process as a part of art. and again, I hesitate to call the generation itself art, because obviously this is a complex and controversial issue that I dont have all the answers to or understanding of, but somewhere, some part of this may become art

Id love to post pictures of what Ive been playing with but Im afraid Im gonna get hit with a "oh youre acting all deep and for This? cringe" *pensive* perhaps. its very interesting to me tho. making stuff for Me.

also obviously I am very inspired with ink-the-artist's work in general and esp their ai stuff and this why Im even using ganbreeder in the first place. I think they may be my favorite artist rn. I also saw a really great gallery last year by Matthew Ritchie last year that kinda blew past my kneejerk "all ai is bad" reaction. I had bigtime emotional reactions to his work. I think training a personal GAN off my own photos and art would be fucking fascinating. but its a bit too scary for me still.

I feel like such a mess in all of this because I am too anti ai for the average tech bro by being deathly afraid of it and thinking there needs to be regulations on it but also I am too pro ai for the average tumblr/twitter user by thinking its supremely fascinating as a Tool to be used by artists. ah the nuances. pls be niceys to me.

[juuheizou]

Hiii~ so you're one of my favourite suzumutsu writers and i REALLY love the way tou grasp the personality of these characters and so i really trust you to answer this question,,, ive been scrolling through aot these days and i found a certain fic ab a certain ship w mustuki where they basically become parents of a baby conceived AND birthed by mutsuki(w the fic being centered on mutsuki going through postpartum... to this day I honestly don't know how to feel about that fic and this heavy doubt(and discomfort) echoes in my head as mutsuki is my favorite character: all things considered, would mustuki ever to go through a pregnancy willingly? would he ever be comfortable, what exactly are his thoughts on it and basically- do you see this scenario ever happening in any way? w juuzou or any partner?

Hi!! As much as I love to ramble about Suzuya, it's so nice to talk to someone whose favorite is Mutsuki! I often describe them both as my favorites, just my 'it me' favorite and my 'love of my life favorite, myself. I'm flattered that you would want to hear my take on an aspect of him that I can tell is kind of delicate in your eyes, and I see why it would be.

Just gonna warn you right now, hopefully morbid isn't a bad thing, and I don't think it's any worse than the rest of the series, but just in case anyone doesn't want that in their lives, this answer is kinda morbid, and mentions/implies sexual assault.

Let me just say, I totally feel your doubt, as I don't see him or Suzuya as the parenting types. In Mutsuki's case specifically, you can like children, be good with them, and want to treat them kindly without wanting your own. As much as he does like them, he also likes being able to give them back to their actual parents so he can go scour all traces of their snot/spitup/mysterious child stickiness from his body before he has a mini-breakdown. The only thing I see them having any desire to parent is cats.

Anywho, to answer your actual question, I don't see him ever conceiving willingly. For one, wanting children is a pretty important prerequisite for doing so, which is why I led with that even though it's not exactly what you asked. Even if someone else with no desire for him to co-parent was both close enough to him to know he's a trans man and desperate enough to ask him of all people to be a surrogate, it would break his heart, and he would feel horrible about not being able to stomach something that means so much to a friend of his, but not enough that he would do it. Dysphoria plus a phobia of blood that (in my headcanon world) extends to other bodily fluids, bodily trauma, and a lot of medical-type stuff do not mix with any desire to go through a pregnancy, in my opinion.

That being said, maybe, if I had to rack my brain for a scenario where even some of what you describe would happen while still being (my idea of) in character, there is exactly one way that makes a reasonable amount of sense to me. I think if he conceived against his will, during his captivity on Rushima or some other awful time caused by someone he knew was a ghoul, he would swallow his many layers of discomfort to carry an extremely rare tissue donor, knowing it would be too weak to survive long after birth, to term.

I'll be the first to say the series really went from good fantasy to bad sci-fi by the end of :re and ghoul anatomy/physiology and medicine pertaining to it (ESPECIALLY repro, hooo boy did rereading the one-eyed ghoul wiki for this ask induce some off-screen facepalming) doesn't make much sense in a lot of places, but if Kaneki's whole dragon thing led to life-saving biomedical research, I would imagine something like that would be useful? I did say this was if I had to rack my brain.

I still don't see him being at all comfortable with it. Actually, I think he would discover triggers and phobias he didn't even know he had at every turn and be pretty miserable through it all. But we're talking about someone who got into Torso's taxi all those years ago because if his hunch was right, he would save one person. Any investigator with a modicum of sense would know he isn't going to stop Torso altogether by getting in that taxi all alone at his skill level-- more likely he would just be killed too; he did it for that one person. If he would give his life to help one person, I don't think it's that much of a reach that he would give even the most harrowing nine months of his life for research that could help countless people, including Shirazu Haru and (apparently) Shinohara.

In addition to that being the kind of person Mutsuki is, I can also see him faulting himself for things he would never fault anyone else for, such as killing his captor before his captor could torture him to death. If it was after Rushima, he might struggle with a lot of guilt and feel like a murderer for doing what he had to do to survive. Add terminating a pregnancy that resulted from said torture to that guilt, and he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it, even if he knows that by no sound logic is he killing a human being. Under his circumstances, being the person he is, it would feel like he's already a murderer for saving himself from Torso and now he wants to add to the body count, and that alone is too much for him. Logic loses out and emotionally, he's torn between two options that, to him, are both unthinkable. At least something good can come of one of those unthinkable options.

You probably expect as much coming from me of all people, but I don't think he would get through it without Suzuya by his side. For one, it's not talked about much on the human side iirc, but I don't imagine that being pregnant with a hybrid doesn't endanger the parent and he would probably dismiss it as personal weakness and end up near-death at the first attempt by the tiny tissue donor to wreak havoc on the hostile environment that is his body. Suzuya, however, would reliably not let that happen. There are lots of characters in the series who have killed, but Suzuya's relationship with death is especially intimate and he's taken so many bodies apart up so close and personal, even compared to all but a handful of other characters in the series. To this day in completely unrelated situations he can feel someone might be dying in his bones and his instinct is rarely wrong.

Also just a headcanon, but I think the CCG would utilize some kind of tactical emergency medicine program, as every major operation we see is a shining example of a situation that normal EMS can't safely enter, and Mr. “Hang in there, don't die yet!” would jump SO HARD on the opportunity to have that training. It probably wasn't for the right reasons at first, but reasons don't matter so much when your wounded colleague gets to a hospital alive because of you. Or your significant other who didn't know his anemia was back with a vengeance until those symptoms he had been dismissing as mental anguish for a while gradually escalated to early signs of shock.

Apart from keeping him, you know, alive, Suzuya would be good for Mutsuki's fragile mental health during such a difficult time as well. Like I said, I think he would unearth things that he didn't even know he could have a phobia of or be dysphoric about. Even when Mutsuki is too far along for Suzuya's practical talent with a needle and thread or even his baggiest hoodie to help him hide his changing body, no one is going to stare at him long enough to form any small-minded opinion when Suzuya Juuzou is always at his side to glare back at them-- or worse. And even though the reasons are different, Suzuya knows what it's like to be made to feel like less of a man for something he never asked for, like his body isn't his, a lot of the terrible things Mutsuki is going through, and he knows how to make the turmoil a little less bad, sometimes.

Who better than the first person who really taught him to face his fears to hold his hand through every harrowing doctor's appointment and comfort him after a new discovery of the many things he could have gone his whole life not knowing he hated more than blood draws? Carrying an unwanted pregnancy that's making him suffer in every physical and mental way possible is slightly less awful with a Suzuya to hold his hair back, gently clean him up, and keep him company while he stays on the floor with his head between his knees for a while to avoid passing out when he learns that his reaction to vomit is not that different from blood. Pregnancy cravings even more terrible than rare meat --he knows what it really is he craves, but he can get temporary relief from other red meats, especially organs, and especially raw-- are slightly less revolting and terrible when he doesn't have to choke them down alone, and to Suzuya those things taste like childhood nostalgia.

Plus, even if you had no attachment or desire to raise it from the start, it is really fucking sad to watch a small, helpless living thing die in your hands and I just can't see Mutsuki shying away from that when the time comes. He probably named it just because 'the baby' felt too much like he did want what happened to him and 'the tissue donation' felt disrespectful, and he wouldn't feel right letting it spend the short time (if any time) between birth and death any other way than bundled in his arms, being treated just like a wanted baby as much as it may hurt him. Not to mention the physiological flood of oxytocin that doesn't care about any one birth parent's feelings or thought process. Having such a calm shoulder to cry on, even if that calm comes from desensitization to death, would be good for him once it's all a difficult, conflicted memory.

[usthewaywardclouds-blog]

My grandmother called me at 3:00 A.M. and asked me if I was okay... I was journaling and crying profusely. I told her about Italy. She walked through a range of emotions with me on the phone. I don't know how she knew. But perhaps we really are all witches, us strange women.

Learned a lot in 2022... I'm thinking about the controversy and compromises I've fumbled through like a hyena on acid. I keep laughing in situations I should be crying about, I cling to any shred of positivity and keep it like a light.

I've learned to keep the people who feel like home close without learning to live inside them...confronting my issues with codependency and anxious attachment issues...

So much shame and embarrassment for my poor crippled mind sludge (I have another official assessment coming up, but they've so far ruled out bipolar or bpd, so yay? Doc is focused on CPTSD... she thinks much of my ADHD might be my CPTSD) This entire thing, this whole life stuff, it really fucking sucks sometimes.

I've been completely preoccupied following a series of pretty mid medical emergencies. This also fucking sucks because when I'm not creating I'm just this mad, dribbling hoe on the Internet and as much as I just like, own being a harlot, that is sooo not sexy. 😤 I think, therefore, I ramble and have no censor or remorse....or I have remorse, think, get passionately upset, write like a crazy person, and cry it out. I wish I could delete myself 😞 I also really understand my own psychology so much better after some traumatic exploration. But i hate this 😒 I am reminded of someone

As dire and dizzying times have been, I've been able to reach some really grand breakthroughs with the help of therapy + medication.

- I've been able to enjoy the harvests of my labor. Literally and figuratively

- I'm going for broke but I'm going back to Italy

- take the above as you may, unfortunate bystander who may scroll thru my uhhhh blog?

- really engaging with my friends and stepping away from family

But I'm also. . .likeee

I fear for my friends (who hopefully aren't an audience to my terrors 🥺) it seems like even when everyone is at their best, everything is still so very heavy for most

I have only told a few people about my medical issues 🙃 I haven't told my grandmother's 🙃

Neither of them...

I hope that this new year is going to be so much more generous than 2022.

I really want to go back and look at it all down. There is clarity on whatever it was at the end.

I'm making some really good progress and trying not to let the massive, imposing, and impossible medical decisions throw me.

I no longer kill spiders. I meditate and work out and spend a lot of time with my friends. Yesss I have to think about how I might have to be like literally cut open for exploratory surgery. But here I am, awake at the witching hour, afraid for so much of my life and decisions (but not alarmed) and droning onto a weirdo app..

My heart weighs heavy while my mind chirps

[belethlegwen]

Hello! First of all, I just want to say to both of you guys (Potato and Katrina) that I love you both so much. You're wonderful, and I adore seeing y'all in my notifs or crossing my dash in some way or another. It means the literal world to me to think I've made an impact at all on people like you and your words are so wildly sweet that when I read them early this morning I wanted to cry. For real. Katrina, thank you so much. I know we don't interact directly often, but god you make me so happy. I DO want to apologize for not having been able to sit down and really be able to crack back into Faerie Spell in the ways I want to for that narrative and for Daphne (I find I need to like, strongly rewire my brain in order to do 1st Person Perspective, but that's a long winding thing and I won't detail it here) but just know that I AM still hoping to get that drive again once I'm done like, losing my house and everything else going on in my life right now haha, to continue that story. If you ever wanted to talk about it, I would LOVE to, if that might be something you would be interested in while I can't free the time and energy and focus right now to actually write it <3 Potato, my man, you do so much to help keep me going I can't even explain it hahaha <3 I still think about how you reached out because you noticed the post dates went by and I hadn't had the mental capacity (and was still actively in the shitstorm) to update, and it was very very nice to know that people cared. Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart for liking what I've written and put out there, for wanting more, but somehow through it all caring about me as a person as well. That means a lot. This is all to say that if I only ever got two notes on anything I ever did, if it was from you guys? It would still be more than enough for me. Below the cut are some of my personal, rambling, potentially incoherent thoughts on the original subject of the post, but I felt it was important to tell you guys straight-out that I love you and want the best for you both in your lives, strangers we may be in this weird internet. I hope something happens today that makes you smile or lets you take a moment to breathe and enjoy the world around you <3

Below: Writing, Art and Engagement

Opinions From a Weird Canadian

All of this conversation, despite not necessarily being new (I've been seeing discussions or mentions of this since I joined back in summer of 2021), has made me realize especially as of late that I have also fallen prey to 'engaging' with art more than writing, and I'm going to be putting in more effort to avoid that. My personal, reflective realizations about this have come down to these:

I've fallen into the trap of 'if I reblog it, it means I endorse it and am recommending it to my followers', and also my own personal nature (which is highly probably autistic in some variety) of 'I need to experience this in a way I deem 'full' before I can believe I 'endorse it'. Which is ridiculous. It DOES take me less time to look at a picture and go "ah, yes, the followers and mutuals will likely enjoy this" than it does to read a new chapter/short story while I'm scrolling in my few minutes at work and come to the same conclusion, BUT, it's stopping me from sharing things that I now realize I should be sharing anyway. Even if I haven't been reading them because I don't have the focus, energy or time right now with everything going on, I know that @not-a-space-alien's works are good! I support them!! Even if I'm not reading them right now!! I love @entomolog-t's Bite Me story to bits, I know that she's a fantastic writer, so even if I haven't read INSTAR or any others, I should still be reblogging them.

I think, in my case, I got too in my head about sharing things that maybe even I wouldn't 100% enjoy personally? But unless it's going to be something that gives me intense ick (a personal thing that I don't want to impress on other people who enjoy the thing) or that I personally feel conflicted about (again, personal reasons why I wouldn't want to share it) then I'm going to be making the effort to share writing even if it's not something I have yet read, for whatever reasons I have for that.

I mean, this is my One and Only Blog (kinda? I have abandoned my 'hey friends who know the irl me, my twitter has moved *here*' tumblr blog, oops) so it is also a personal one. There's a lot of things I like, a lot of things that aren't specifically G/t, and a lot of things I'll toss in my queue. I'll reblog a lot of what I see if I like it enough to want to share. Not particularly G/t. So I also apologize to people who follow me specifically for G/t things and see me reposting random art or fashion, or just Posts I Think Are Neat And Rad.

As for how I feel about my own engagement levels or what have you: I am not an artist. I love art, I appreciate art, but I'm a writer. For me, personally, I am not a person who cares about notes or reach unless I'm worried that the person/people I want to see something haven't seen it and it might get lost. I live on a funky li'l rock with it's own half-hour timezone and so I'm posting shit outside of a lot of followers/mutuals Hours Of Operation on this site all the time. Other than that... I mean, I get more than enough engagement on my things to feel appreciated, especially when I get comments like the ones above ;-; These are stories I started writing for me. I decided to share them because the few that I had stuck my nose into and started to read on AO3/DeviantArt/abandoned forums/etc were my real gateway into letting myself write for me, and I thought 'if there's one person out there who can find my stuff and in that moment they need this itch scratched for whatever reason, they find something like mine that helps cater to their needs a bit more than just having to do it all themselves, it'll be worth it'. I never expected to see or hear anyone say anything about it. Especially with Small Date, I expected people to maybe read it but never engage because that was my first piece under my new life motto and it was rough and it was raw and it was something that I battled a lot of personal shame about when posting because of how blatant it was and how exposed it left me feeling to even like... think about. People in the G/t community have expressed before that, like me, sometimes this fascination, interest or even kink can cause them to feel weirdly ashamed, and I empathize with that. I'm fine with someone reading through my things and not wanting to leave a trail of any kind back to a personal part of them they might not want to share with those around them.

That said, my own ambivalence toward engagement is personal. Other people love to see their work be recognized, and love to put more into their work specifically to help bring visible, tangible enjoyment to others. That's fantastic, I love that.

In short, I'll be doing my best to help make sure that people get that in the future. I might not be able to leave tags (a lot of time I'm browsing on my phone between clients at work and don't have time to start mobile-typing tags before reblogging), but I will be sharing things that might be of interest to people who follow me, even if I can't make the time to read them myself yet.

Sorry for how long this got, but: I love you all, take care of yourselves, you deserve nice things <3

~ Belle

An opinion about g/t media and the consumers.

Never thought fast-consumed media (pictures and drawings) will become most of what the g/t community is based on now. Back in the day you could read and sometimes you would see decent art here and there. Now? If you do not draw you don't get any notes. No one seems to care enough about your writing if you don't create art for it, of it or before it. I'm taking this off of mainly @entomolog-t 's posts as of right now (sorry for the tag, I do not mean to bother you with my meaningless rambling). But. I see their posts about their characters at least a hundred times a day; the art. ALWAYS the art. I started reading the actual stories and I was confused why those posts didn't have as many notes; simply, people care about the characters enough to like the g/t art made about them, but not enough to actually sit down and read about them. Most g/t writers are swept under the rug, even if their stories are incredibly, because they do not have art that includes g/t in it. And that says a lot to me. I value the artist, you can see how much time and effort goes into the art. But. Where is the value to the writers? Those that sit down and put in so much effort to please the people that love their character, only to be let down by only getting the half amount, if that, of the notes they, or artists receive on art. It makes me feel weird. Kinda makes the effort meaningless if you see posts about scribbles, G/T SCRIBBLES, get hundreds of notes, but amazing writing about 40 notes.

As someone who loves to write and put myself out there, it sucks the hope out of me, knowing because I can't draw, I'll never be recognized. And before you think 'oooh someone's jealous', no. Just simply, frustrated. Frustrated at how media works.

Now, I do not need to be flooded with hate comments, but I would love to hear other's opinion about this.

[eddsworld-the-masquerade]

Blog update: “About” and “Characters” pages rewrite 

First of, happy new year everyone! Hoping this one doesn’t end me for good haha. 

As stated above, “About” and “Characters” pages have been updated with new info, character description, sheets and art (which you see in this post). You’ll need to open the blog in browser in order to view these pages. Keep in mind that it’s all subject to change given that the story is still in early development (I wrote down 1/4 of the script plan so far) and I might get rid of things I feel I can’t utilize properly. 

I’m also opening the ask box again, so if the text inspires you or makes you wonder certain things, you can drop your message there :) I can’t promise I’ll be quick to answer and I probably won’t be able to answer all of your asks but I’ll do my best to read through them all. 

Under the cut is rest of the concept art (and some of my rambling) so I don’t make the post too bloated to scroll through:

Edd’s style is still considered “weird” but in a more obnoxious and bold way. It’s screaming “Look at me! Look at me! I’ll have you look my way like it or not!”. I like the silly thought of him coming to embrace larger suits thanks to his sire. It is comfortable! And one of the kind - if you were wondering for what purpose Edd needs sewing skills, that’s the answer :)  

Tord lost his iconic sweater and scarf. I gotta say I wasn’t sure if bare chest idea would work out but I’m glad I tried it cuz heck yeah it did. Love it or hate it Tord doesn’t give a damn 😎   His fake horns are now slicked back which makes him look like a disgruntled kitten lol And I added a belt buckle, it’s a skull being crushed by a hammer (roughly designed after thor’s hammer as a nod to his origin); it carries a certain personal significance too 

Matt style is still inspired by vintage suits and illustrations but customized for personal taste. Like the vest being asymmetrical, or the suit being more “flappy” and with a big cutout on the back. It’s sort of a way of saying “I might be playing by the rules but I do it my own way”. He is ultimate bishounen now and his power is mesmerizing enemies with that iconic anime stare and sound effects (this is a joke, but a joke I love) 

Tom had it worst XD but also I had the most fun with him. The pale yellow parts on his body are supposed to be bone and um...shell...thing...you know when something spends a lot of time in the water in the open sea and you get it out and it’s covered in those THINGS yeah I can’t find the word but hopefully you got my point hahaha. It was hard to keep him as monstrous as possible but also recognizable but I think giving him the monster tom color palette did the job. Also yes he got scales. And the texture I did on his skin is supposed to be semi-transparent...like jello maybe? he’s hideous and a pain to color and i love him lol

I also did this little relationship chart to explain changes in the well relationships in-group! 

[noteguk]

bad attitude | jjk | m

[ ! ] this is part of the bad influence collection. You can read it as a stand-alone though! 

— summary; in which Jungkook finally learns how to behave. Kind of. 

— contents and warnings; pwp, smut, badboy!jk x goodgirl!reader, enemies with benefits/enemies to lovers, brattysub!kook x dom!reader, actually more of a switch!kook/switch!reader, the oc is kind of a demon with teasing because payback is a bitch, bondage, edging, dirty talk, begging, oral (m receiving), female masturbation, cockwarming, unprotected sex (don’t be dumb), creampie, stuffing, Taehyung makes a cameo, terrible use of the two wolves meme I’m so sorry 

— words; 7,2k 

— author’s note; yes I started this with a meme and no I’m not okay. This is kind of chaotic tbh but I wanted to write something a bit more unhinged and lighthearted after all that drama from the third part of the series. This happens some time after bad reputation. 

Also! Take a look at the text messages that brought them to this moment ;) 

Probably one of the dumbest things that Jungkook had ever heard came from his roommate and childhood friend, Taehyung, after a few hours scrolling through Facebook with a blunt hanging from the corner of his lips. Taehyung was in the deep web equivalent of social media: entrepreneur pages, where young, overly-dressed men with obviously rented convertibles promised to teach gullible people how to become millionaires by working at home (if you only pay for their courses). Nevertheless, what started as an ironic scroll through shallow motivational quotes quickly escalated into a semi-believable, mostly high rant about the importance of controlling your inner demons, which Jungkook sadly had to endure, since he was the only person around and, therefore, his roommate's sole target. 

Taehyung was high out of his mind, but it seemed as if he would be the last to get that memo: in his twisted conception, he was spilling the hottest of truths (and not the incoherent ramble that it really was). Fighting through Jungkook’s complaints and eye rolls, he simply went on and on about how the page “Alpha Billionaire 101” wasn’t really that off beat when they said that you do, in fact, have two wolves inside you — and the one you feed is the one that wins. Jungkook was basically disassociating by the point that Taehyung started drawing some graphs, looking fixedly at the two wolves on the screen of his computer (one written “success and drive” and the other one representing “failure and procrastination”) and wishing that the gods above would strike him down once and for all. 

And why is that important? Well, because eventually Taehyung fell asleep and moved on with his life, only casually mentioning the other stuff he saw on that page, but his words stuck around, glued to the back of Jungkook’s head. Not because they held any sort of meaning, but because the wolf metaphor was just too stupid to forget. And that eventually caught up to Jungkook in the strangest, most unexpected of ways: with you and bondage being involved. 

Now, Jungkook had two wolves inside of him: one was extremely laid back and barely cared about most things that happened, as long as he was having a good time. The second wolf was a bitter, prideful, egocentric, mean little thing that simply wouldn’t fold no matter how much the world wanted it to. And it was that second wolf that took him to that position: because Jungkook told you that he was positive, certain, a hundred percent sure that he’d never be like you and beg for something during sex. 

Which made both of your wolves absolutely pissed. 

“What the fuck…” he mumbled, looking up at your agile hands moving like wasps around his wrists. The room was dark, barely illuminated by the moonlight that came from the window, but that wasn’t really the reason why his pupils were so blown-out. “Where did you learn to tie knots like this?” 

You smiled, giving a last pull on the ropes to make sure they would stay still. Jungkook had been elated when you finally told him that you’d be willing to try it out bondage. One thing he didn’t expect, though, was that he would be the one getting tied up. “I was in the Girl Scouts,” you told him, sitting back against his thighs. 

Jungkook scoffed, tugging at the ropes. They weren’t too tight, yet they burned his skin a bit — not an unwelcome feeling, but his mind wasn’t too focused on it. He had to live up to his own words. “Of course you were in the fucking Girl Scouts.” He rolled his eyes. “So, how long is this gonna take?”

His gaze followed as your hands unclasped your bra. Jungkook, who had already been stripped down to his boxers, could barely disguise the twitching of his eyebrows when your breasts finally came into view. The bra collapsed somewhere on the floor. “Depends on how long it takes for you to say it,” you reminded him. 

Jungkook shifted around, gaze following the rise and fall of your chest. His hands struggled against the ropes, aching to touch your breasts, and you could notice the frustration blossoming at the back of his throat when he spoke up. “I’m not gonna say it.” 

With a pout, you leaned back in, placing your hands on his broad chest for leverage. “Then it’s probably going to take a long time.” You blinked up at him, and there was a devilish glint in your eyes that he didn’t remember seeing before. He was doomed. “Comfortable?”

“Not at all,” he complained. 

The smile you gifted him made his knees weak for a second. “Perfect.” Your hands traveled to the back of his neck, fingers playing with his hair and eyes zeroing in on his mouth. “Now, be good and kiss me like you mean it, okay?” 

Be good? 

Jungkook didn’t get any time to digest your words before your mouth was pressing against his, enveloping him in your warmth — and suddenly he didn’t want to think about anything else. How could he? When you had your hands caressing his neck, with a soft sigh against his lips, there was nothing else in the world that could rob his attention. 

In the end, past his brooding, unshakable persona, Jungkook was still a weak man when it came to you, he really was. It had become a natural, well-rehearsed reaction of his to explore your mouth with his tongue at every chance that he got; your lips slapping together as he groaned against you. The skin of his wrists was tingling, pressing hard against the ropes that held his hands back from exploring your body; from pulling you closer like he wanted to. Instead, he was at your mercy, following your own pace as you leaned your head to the side, fingers tugging on his hair as you sighed happily into the kiss. 

It was exactly the way he liked: sensual, slow, messy; made his head spin when you rolled your clothed center on his erection before sucking on his tongue. Jungkook was sure that you were doing all that on purpose, riling him up as much as possible before finally touching him where he needed so much, and that was definitely going to be a problem. 

In the back of his head, Jungkook was currently trying to decide if he hated Taehyung or not: the fact that his roommate had compulsively chosen to attend a party three hours away was the reason that you were there, kissing him like he was the air that you breathed, but also the reason why Jungkook had gotten tied up in the first place. If he had had a bit more time between texting you that he would never beg in sex (a very dumb, very unthought action), and the moment that you actually tried to make it happen, perhaps he would be able to convince you to step down from it. Perhaps he would realize that his prideful side was also really, really fucking stupid when it came to predicting his own limits. 

Truth was: Jungkook was pretty much panicking when you moaned against his lips, because his cock was unbearably hard inside his underwear and he just knew that he would fold after some time. Especially when you were acting like that, like a demon trying to seduce him into selling his soul; a siren about to drag him to the abyssal depths of the ocean. He could barely follow what was happening. 

Because of his dominating tendencies, Jungkook had never seen you showing your typical neurotic, controlling self during your sexual adventures — which was something he endlessly teased you for, but never thought it would actually have any sort of backlash. It seemed that both of you liked the usual dynamic (of Jungkook taking over) well enough and, yet, as he watched that sadistic expression monopolizing your features, he realized that maybe it was for the best. Maybe you had been training your whole life to perfect the masterful art of having things happening the way you wanted it, and maybe giving you the lead was one of the worst decisions he had made in some time. 

As you pulled away, Jungkook chased after your mouth, managing to place another small kiss on your lips before the ropes held him back. “More,” he groaned. 

The curve of your mouth was a wicked little thing, almost making him lose his composure for a second. “No, no more,” you were firm in your words. “Be patient.” 

He huffed. “You only got an attitude because my hands are tied up.”

“I always have an attitude,” you were fast to correct, getting out of his lap. The lack of your warmth was instantly felt, made his chest heave in frustration as you sat down next to him. There was an embarrassingly large wet spot on his underwear that he was hoping you wouldn’t notice. “But, yeah, maybe I’m a little braver because of it.” Before he could muster up a response, one of your hands traveled between his thighs, faintly tracing its way up his skin. “And what are you going to do about it?” 

Jungkook clenched his jaw — it was embarrassing how sensitive he was, goosebumps spreading through his legs. “Don’t tease."

“Or what?” A squeeze of his bulge was everything you need to make him shut up, his hips buckling up to meet your palm. Jungkook was hard and leaking, pulsating as you gave him a few, half-assed pumps through his underwear. A few seconds were more than enough to let him have his fun, it seemed, because you were soon removing your hand from his erection. “Now, stay still unless you want me to tie your feet too.” 

He hissed at the lack of contact, but refused to complain about it out loud. You smiled at his reaction: Jungkook was so stubborn when it came to things like that, would never show you his weak, needy side so easily. But you were patient and, from what you had been told, you had all night to get your way. 

Call it revenge, call it whatever: there was nothing that you wanted more than to see Jungkook bite back his own words and beg for you. It was an ego thing, perhaps, the mission to leave him just as overwhelmed and desperate as he had made you so many times in the past. Maybe you were a bit mean about it. But it was well deserved. 

You took your time pulling one of his legs towards you, watching as his cock throbbed when you placed your body between his thighs. Jungkook could only think about how soft your mouth felt as you kissed up his thigh before, at last, you were nuzzling your face against his erection, placing kisses on his clothed member as your thumb pressed down on his sensitive tip. His breath grew irregular at the feeling, his tongue poking out to wet his lips as you looked up at him with that demonic smirk of yours, those big doe eyes that wiped his thoughts clean. Jungkook was absolutely fucked. 

Luckily, he didn’t have to urge you further because, soon enough, you were pulling his underwear down, making it join your bra on his bedroom floor. Jungkook could’ve cried when you rolled your thumb over his crown, spreading his precum all over him, a delighted hum dripping past your throat. “You’re leaking,” you commented, eyes following the glistening of his reddened tip. He could only muster a raggedy, short sigh before you were talking again. “I can clean you up, don’t worry.” 

Jungkook moaned out when you wrapped your lips around his cock, not hesitating much before you sank down on him. His head fell back when you started sucking, your cheeks hollowing out and tongue pressed flat against him. “God, your mouth feels so fucking perfect.” His hips thrusted up, but you had enough of a reflex to pull away before he managed to hit the back of your throat. “Take it deeper, baby, do it for me.”

But you did the opposite, removing him from your mouth. You glanced up at him with a disinterested look plastered all over your face, lips glossy with a beautiful mixture of your saliva and his wetness. Jungkook made a mental note to never forget that sight. “I don’t know if you understand what’s going on here, Jungkook.” You wrapped one hand around his cock, pumping it twice. It felt good, but nothing compared to your mouth. “But it’s really not your place to tell me what to do right now. That’s not how it works.” 

“Yeah?” He chuckled, eyebrows raised in a silent dare. “And what are you going to do about it?” 

Poor decisions: Jungkook’s week was filled with poor decisions. Blame that unshakable arrogant side of his, blame his terribly constructed defense mechanisms; blame whatever it was that didn’t allow him to think clearly when you were so beautifully placed between his legs, but it seemed that he really thought it would be a good call to provoke you when you were already 1) deadset on making him embarrass himself 2) probably the best Girl Scout to ever tie a knot in history. 

Jungkook was completely helpless: he knew that, you knew that. So the reason why he mocked you in such a position would forever be another mystery that science could never answer. 

And the payback arrived soon enough. Jungkook only earned a few seconds of relaxation, staring at your impassive face, before your mouth was sinking back down around his member. 

If Jungkook thought that you were teasing him before, now you were sucking him like you wanted him to cum in two seconds — hands pumping his length, playing with his balls, tip hitting your throat, tongue dragging against his slit: the four horsemen of your apocalyptic blowjob technique that got him seeing stars in no time. “Fuck, that’s my girl,” he moaned. He was sure his wrists would be all red in the following morning from the way he was mindlessly moving his arms around, his mind just so hyper-focused on the need to touch you, to pull your hair when you were wrapping around his cock so well. “Feels so fucking perfect.” 

Then, as he was just about to tip over, you pulled away. 

“No, what the fuck,” Jungkook’s eyes snapped open, still unfocused and glazed-over. His body flinched at the interruption of his pleasure, and his cock throbbing against his pelvis, angry for attention. “Fuck, why did you stop?”

“That’s what I’m going to do about it.” You smiled, and Jungkook noticed that he was really playing a very dangerous game. In a span of two seconds, he asked himself if he was that mean to you, realized that he probably was, and came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t change anything about it. “Are you going to behave now, Jungkook?” 

He groaned, fighting against the frustrated waves that overtook his body. His orgasm, before so close, had now been washed away, leaving him with a pulsating feeling inside his guts. “You’re pissing me off.”

“Likewise.” You tilted your head to the side, placing one hand on his thigh. “Now, stay still and do what I tell you to do. That’s the last time I’m asking.” 

He frowned. “Or what?”

You blinked, pausing for a second. “Isn’t it obvious? Or I’m leaving you like this.” 

Jungkook’s brain finally seemed to comprehend the fact that, sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut. So, instead of saying something, he simply watched as you removed your underwear before sitting between his legs, your thighs over his. 

Because you absolutely hated him, you had opened your legs wide, pussy on full display, as you used one hand to lean back against the mattress. His eyes almost jumped out of their sockets when you used two fingers to spread your folds apart. “Look,” you said, your breathy voice making something inside his chest switch. “I’m so wet.” 

And wet you were. Jungkook exhaled, nostrils flaring. His mouth salivated at the thought of licking you clean, fingers growing white around the ropes. He never hated an object so hard in his life. “I can… I can see that.” 

You giggled at the grogginess of his tone, dove into the satisfaction that came from his focused eyes on your soaked folds. A gentle suspire left you as your digits slipped up, covering your clit with your arousal before pressing down on it. You were acting up a bit, whining loudly at the feeling because you knew that it drove him crazy to hear you make sounds for him. “Jungkook…” you trailed off. You had to bite back a laugh when his stare snapped up at you, looking so overwhelmingly horny and pissed off at the same time — the duality of men. “Want to have you inside me.” 

He exhaled heavily. “Do it,” he said and you allowed him to think that it was his order (and not your decision) that made you move. 

Jungkook’s pupils were blown out in sheer desire, wanting to absorb every light that bounced off your soft skin when you lined yourself with his cock, covering his tip with your warm wetness, allowing it to rub between your folds. By the time that you sat down on him, he was dangerously close to cracking. 

“Oh fuck.” His hips thrusted up, wanting to feel more of your tight walls around him. It was heaven and hell, just the way he loved it, but his delight wouldn’t last long. “Fuck, baby, that feels so good.”

“It does,” you agreed, but there was a teasing inflection in your tone that he did not miss. Soon, your fingers were back where they were before, circling your clit. “And I happen to know how to make it even better. For myself, at least.” 

It took him a few moments to understand what was going on, but, once it clicked inside his head, he could’ve cried from frustration. “What are you doing?”

“Getting myself off.” You smiled — oh you were such a fucking demon, he thought, a trickster spirit that wouldn’t rest until he was begging you to let him cum. Worst part? He might as well do it. “You don’t mind, do you? I know you love to keep your cock inside me like this.” 

They say that revenge is sweet and, as you saw the flash of desperation that crossed Jungkook’s face, you couldn’t agree more. “Aren’t… aren’t you going to move?” He tried. 

You could tell that he was holding back from just thrusting up inside you, which was equally satisfying and arousing: maybe, just maybe, he was starting to learn one thing or two about following your orders. “Hmmm… not at all.” You smirked, a tiny gasp leaving your lips as you circled your sensitive spot just the right way. Jungkook followed the movement of your lips as if they were writing the secrets of the universe. “Not if you keep that attitude up.” 

He frowned, the corners of his mouth twitching in frustration. From your peripheral vision, you could see his wrists vaguely struggling against your knots — humbly speaking, you were a great Girl Scout, the typical overachiever, and you were positive that they would hold up. 

“You’re going to regret this later,” Jungkook warned, but his words didn’t even have the chance to affect you. One clenching of your walls around him was all that it took for his head to roll back, a deep grunt dripping from his mouth at the sensation. It was just enough to keep him dangling over the edge, but not even close to making him cum. “Your pussy is so fucking tight, baby. Feels so fucking good.”

“I’m almost there, that’s why.” Your other hand slithered up your waist, cupping one of your breasts. Being a bit more theatrical than necessary (because you wanted to provoke him as much as you could), you gasped out his name as you rolled one nipple between your fingers, arching your back at the sensation. You swore you saw Jungkook’s eye twitch. “Gonna cum just like this. And you’re gonna be good and watch me.” 

Again with that be good bullshit, again not giving him enough time to process it before you were timidly rolling your hips. “Baby,” he gasped. “This isn’t fair.” 

“It isn’t,” you agreed, slightly breathless, your hand moving to play with your other breast. Jungkook followed the action like every part of you was magnetic, calling for his attention. “You do that to me all the time, though.” 

He frowned. “But I let you fucking touch me.” 

“How nice of you,” you sarcastically remarked. Another small roll of your hips made you gasp, fingers working faster around your clit. Teasing Jungkook got you shamefully turned on, it seemed, because you were just about to tip over the edge. “Fuck, feels so good.” 

“It would feel so much better if you just— God, you’re so fucking wet,” his mind was barely functioning at that point, the heavenly feeling of your walls clenching around him was making him go insane. “Just ride my cock, baby.” 

“No,” that simple word was like an arrow, shooting all his hopes down. Jungkook closed his eyes and threw his head back, trying to fight against the claustrophobic nature of his position. There was no way he could hold himself back, he thought, he would beg you as many times as he needed it that was what it took for him to finally cum. “I’m close, Kook.” 

That whimpery, needy tone of yours would be the death of him one of those days. “I can fucking feel it,” he cursed. Jungkook just wanted to thrust inside your dripping pussy, make you cream his cock like you were made for it, but he knew that you would just stop everything again if he did so, and he seriously didn’t think he could take that. “S-Shit, baby, you don’t know what you’re doing to me.” 

But you had a good idea of how you were affecting him. Through parted lids, you watched as his face contorted in pleasure when you squeezed particularly tightly around him; a muffled sob perishing on his throat when you vaguely raised your hips. Jungkook was filling you up so perfectly, like he always did, and it was that amazing stretch of his cock inside you, combined with the clear hunger that covered his features, that pulled your climax towards you. 

The orgasm that washed over you was abrupt, overbearing, just blinding enough so you didn’t notice the weak little moans that Jungkook let out at the throbbing of your walls around his aching length. You tried to prolong it for as long as possible, rubbing yourself, crying out his name for theatrical reasons, but eventually sensitivity got the best of you and you stopped. 

What you found when you did, however, was a glorious sight. Jungkook was a perfect picture of lust and desperation, his chest rising and falling rapidly and eyes locked on where your two bodies joined. There was a thin coat of sweat all over his skin, the small sound of the  ropes pulling on the headboard. When he noticed you were staring, he found your gaze. “I- I stood still,” he said. 

“I know, you did so good.” You placed one hand on his cheek, leveling your face with his so you could kiss him. Jungkook melted under your touch, a deep sigh leaving his mouth as you pulled away, his cock still deep inside you. “I’m proud of you.” 

As if something had magically changed, Jungkook tried to fight against his immobilized hands, only to find out that he was still unable to free himself. “Wanna touch you so bad, baby. You look so fucking hot sitting on my cock like this.” Jungkook was spoiled, you realized, because it didn’t take him two seconds of good behavior to revert back to what he wanted to happen. It was a terrible habit, you realized, one that you probably helped enable. “Fuck, just let me cum, baby. Take these off and I’ll fuck you just the way you like it.” 

And maybe if you weren’t so high up in your power rush, you would’ve at least considered his offer. However, having Jungkook turned into a pliant mess beneath you was worth more than anything else at that moment. “I’ll think about it if you say the magic word.”

He frowned, his charm melting away. Jungkook was so adamant on having it his way that it bordered on a joke. “Not gonna do it.” 

You kissed him once again before speaking up. “Then we don’t have a deal.” You shook your head, moving away from him. Jungkook searched after your mouth, but your stupid Girl Scouts knots didn’t allow him to go much further. He collapsed back against the headboard with a frustrated groan. “You’re a terrible sub.”

“Maybe because I’m not a fucking sub— Shit.” All his thoughts were wiped clean when you slowly raised your hips, only leaving his engorged tip inside, before, finally, sitting back down. The drag of your velvety walls against his sensitive cock was driving Jungkook up the wall, his tied-up wrists mindlessly knocking against each other. “Fuck. I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.” You pouted, repeating the movement. You watched as his jaw clenched, a sharp exhale leaving his nostrils as Jungkook both fought against and searched for his pleasure. “Sure you don’t wanna say it?” 

A deliciously slow roll of your hips got him gasping out. “I’m not gonna — fuck — not gonna say it.” 

You leaned your head to the side, stopping your movements. Jungkook’s abdomen was caving in with every small brush of your pussy around him, the illumination from the streets making the drops of sweat on his skin look like small diamonds. It was an erotic sight, from the falling of his dark hair over his hooded eyes, to the beautiful inked drawings on his arms. Unfortunately, you had other things to do other than to admire him endlessly. 

With a sigh, you got up from his lap. “Too bad.”

“Baby,” Jungkook whined — actually whined —  when he felt his cock slip out of your perfect heat, collapsing against his abdomen. The sensation got him flinching, made him bite his lip for a second in an attempt to compose himself. “Baby, don’t leave me like this, come on.”

You frowned, faking annoyance. “How can I not leave you like this, Jungkook?” Your palms slithered around his shoulders, pulling your body closer to his. “You’re being horrible right now.” 

“S-Sorry.” His breath caught in his throat when your mouth met the skin of his neck, tongue prodding out to lick a small trail up his skin. Your heat was unbearable, suffocating him and drowning out his thoughts to the point that he had really apologized for his poor demeanor. If your predictions were correct, it wouldn’t take long before he folded the way you wanted him to. “Just, come on, you can’t just— I’m just so hard right now.” 

You giggled, fingertips moving down on his chest until you found what you were looking for. “Aw. Poor thing,” you teased, feeling as he grew stiff when you started to play with his nipples. A few weeks back, you had made the wonderful and unexpected discovery that Jungkook was really sensitive there, but you never really had a chance to explore that side of him before he flipped you over and had you his way. But the universe always searched for balance, and that moment was the karmic payback you were looking for. “What’s the problem, Kook?” 

“Wanna cum.” He winced away from your faint caresses, but he really didn’t have anywhere else to go. A smirk curled up on your lips as you watched Jungkook fight against the knots, a frail, airy moan leaving his chest as you rolled his nipples between your fingers. He sounded so perfect: so needy and desperate that you could feel another gush of arousal accumulating between your folds. “Just wanna cum so bad, baby.” 

“I’m not gonna be mean and hold it off,” you told him, moving back so you could place a kiss against his pouty, swollen lips. Jungkook looked so beautifully messy, so on edge, that you almost cried out at the sight of it. “You just have to say it,” you told him, lowering your hips until you were straddling his cock. 

With a roll of your pussy against him, his cock brushed between your wet folds, tearing a broken sob from his throat. “Fuck,” Jungkook cursed. He was never in a position like that: edged for so long that he couldn’t even control the grunts that left his throat. “You’re so fucking evil.”

“You love it.” Another grind of your pussy had him throwing his head back, a loud moan ripping itself from his heaving chest. Jungkook was sensitive, responsive to the tiniest of your touches and, most of all: he was desperate, seconds away from cracking. “You know, if you say it, I’ll let you cum.” 

His cock throbbed against you when you finally stopped your movements, raising your hips so your center moved away from his. Jungkook complained at the lack of sensation, practically on the limit of throwing a tantrum, and his pelvis mindlessly buckling up in search of your warmth. Instead, he found nothing, and his member simply collapsed back against his abdomen, aching for its release. 

“This— This is torture,” he groaned. You giggled at his distress, taking one hand to brush away the sweaty hair from his forehead. Jungkook leaned into your touch. “Please, baby, just fuck me.”

Your ears perked up at that, a pool of arousal starting to grow between your legs. That sounded even better than you had predicted. “Sorry, what was that?” You teased. 

Jungkook closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. “Don’t make me say it again.” 

Slowly, you lowered your hips again, pressing your pussy against his cock. Jungkook reacted instantly, taking in a sharp inhale. “Didn’t hear you,” you said. 

“God, baby, just fuck me, please,” he finally broke down, his dazed-out gaze seemed to have some trouble focusing on your face. Desperation was plastered all over him, staring at you like a beautiful, shimmering trophy. “Please, just let me cum. Please.” 

You hummed, leaning away so you could sit on his thighs, facing his erection. You were a woman of your word: you said you wouldn’t hold it back, and you wouldn’t. “Since you asked so nicely…” you trailed off, one hand wrapping around his base, pumping him a few times. Jungkook throbbed in your hands, his abdomen sinking as your thumb grazed his sensitive crown. “Where do you wanna cum?” 

It looked like you had truly broken the poor boy down because, for the first time in his life, Jungkook didn’t have any idea on how to answer that question. “I- I don’t know,” he struggled to speak when your hand was still caressing his member: just enough for him to feel something, but too slow and light for him to actually cum. “Anywhere. Just wanna cum.” 

You pouted, letting his cock go. It bounced on his pelvis, tore a painful cry from his throat as he felt his pleasure wash away once again. “I need an answer, Kook.” 

And he said the first thing that came into his mind. “Your pussy, baby, please.” 

A smile tugged on your lips — it seemed as if that word wasn’t so hard to say anymore. “Of course, you’ve been so good.” You moved around until you were sinking down on him, feeling that fantastic stretch all over again, and earning a shaky moan from his part. You only spoke up again after you were sure he couldn’t go any deeper. “Kook?” You called. His pleading eyes shot up at you. “Wanna fuck me?” 

He breathed out, just a tremulous gush of air that he could barely get ahold of. “Y-Yes, yes, please.” 

You hummed, wiggling your ass around just so you could watch his face contort in despair, crumbling under the delicious drag of your plump walls around his cock. Jungkook almost looked cute, you dared to think, even if you were sure he would fold you in half the second that he got those ropes off. It was like teasing a tiger in a zoo: people only felt brave enough to do it because there was a thick glass between them. “You better do it, then,” you told him. 

After everything you had put him through, Jungkook seemed almost hesitant to do so. “C-Can I move?” He asked, just to be sure. Last thing he needed was to do something wrong and have you walking out on him. His cock was so hard, leaking inside you, and he didn’t believe that he could handle being left like that. 

“Of course,” you told him, the tenderness of your voice so different from what you sounded like all night. Jungkook was still on the palm of your hand, but your victory when it came to making him beg had already been achieved. So you could relax and let him do the heavy lifting for once. Being active was exhausting sometimes. “Come on, Kook,” you egged him on, leaning forward so you could find support on his chest. You knew what was coming. “Fuck me.” 

That seemed to be the last spark he needed to ignite his fire because, soon enough, he was placing both feet on the mattress and thrusting upwards, your body collapsing forward under the force of his movements. Jungkook barely gave you any time to breathe: he fucked you fast and deep, helped by the gravity of your weight above him; shallow breaths and noisy whines leaving his mouth in a beautiful cacophony of sounds. It wasn’t long before he was making you bounce on his cock, pretty moans melting upon your lips as you fought to keep your balance over him. 

“B-Baby,” Jungkook stammered, an airy, high-pitched moan sounding from his parted mouth. His brain was utterly bewildered by the movement of your body above his own, the bouncing of your breasts and the wild fluttering of your eyelashes. And those moans, those gorgeous, ethereal little sounds that you reserved just for him. “S-So perfect. All mine.” 

“All yours,” you said promptly, struggling to meet his gaze. No matter how much you tried, you could not follow the speed of his thrusts, so you simply kept your body in place as he used it as he pleased. “Is this what you wanted?” 

He nodded, mouth falling open. His lips were pouty and swollen, slightly red from the way he had bitten them before. “Wanna cum,” he breathed out, “inside you.” 

No pretty please, you realized. Perhaps it wasn’t your best call to ask him to fuck you, because it dawned on you that you had just handed Jungkook his esteemed control back on a silver platter. That started simply as a doubt in the corners of your mind, however, you were sure that you had lost that battle once his needy whimpers started to wash away, instead replaced by the guttural, rough groans that he usually presented to you. 

Not that you truly cared about it: you had already proven your point. 

His head leaned to the side, pressing against his elevated arm. Jungkook was hypnotized by the way that your bodies met, the way you held yourself up so he could fuck himself inside you. You were always so good for him. “Your pussy feels so fucking amazing, baby,” Jungkook moaned out, hips snapping up against yours. A hiss dripped from his mouth when he felt you clench around him, signaling that you were close once again. “Look so pretty. Made for my cock.” 

“Y-Yes,” you stammered, head falling back. You could feel that familiar tingling at the bottom of your stomach, your orgasm ready to snap once more. Jungkook always fucked you so well, even when his hands were tied up, always left your brain scrambling after the most basic of words. “I’m c-close.” 

Jungkook tried once more to pull at his restraints, but it simply wouldn’t bulge. The contrast between the red ropes and the dark ink decorating his skin was beautiful, the veins of his hands getting thicker as tugged again and again. Jungkook was beyond the realms of reason by that point, struggling like a caged animal because there was nothing else in the world that he wanted more than to touch; to suck your breasts and to fuck you the way he wanted to. “Gonna cum too, baby,” his voice was almost a roar, deep and frustrated. It shot straight up to your core, made you tip over the edge and come down spasming around his cock, your high washing over you. “That’s it, cream my cock,” he praised. In the background of your overwhelmed state, you could feel as his member throbbed inside you, ready to release. “Take everything for me, alright? Wanna fill you up.”  

You barely had any time to nod before he was spilling himself inside you, a long, throaty moan dripping like sin from his lips. Jungkook tried to keep his movements up for a bit longer, delighting himself in the way you winced at the feeling, but even he had grown too tired to continue it. So, at last, he collapsed back against the mattress, sweaty hair falling over his eyes. 

“Get up,” he commanded, breathless. “Let me see it.” 

With shaky movements, you did as he requested, planting one hand on his thigh so you could raise your body. His cock slipped out at the motion, already softening, but his gaze was stuck on the gradual dripping of his cum between your pussy lips. As much as you were used to that specific request, it always made your legs weak when you looked at him during that part — no matter what happened before, Jungkook always had that maniac expression plastered all over his face, like the mere image of his cum slipping out of you was enough to send him into a frenzy all over again. And, most times, it was. 

“Good girl,” his dark stare slowly navigated towards your eyes. His arms were surprisingly still, no longer battling against the ropes, and there was something ominous about that. “Push it back in.” 

Because you didn’t want to anger him any further, you agreed. It was almost impressive how quickly Jungkook was able to take back his control: even with him being immobilized, you were still folding and following his wishes like it was your second nature. “Like this?” You asked, using two of your fingers to stuff his cum back inside. 

“Yeah, just like that.” He breathed out, the final seconds of his exhale morphing into a low growl. “Now, ___,” he called, eyes still glued to your pussy. “Untie me.” 

You almost wanted to go against that, given the way he was about to break you in half, but that wasn’t probably the brightest of ideas. A bit nervous, you moved off his lap and sat down next to him, hands flying to undo the knots. “Hang on,” you requested. From the corners of his vision, you could see Jungkook staring you down, his piercing eyes focused on your face, silently watching you through the curtain of his black hair. At last, you managed to undo the ropes, the thick material falling beside you as Jungkook lowered his arms and started to massage his wrists. “How are your hands? I hope it wasn’t—“

“Lay down.” He interrupted, dry. Your mouth fell shut — none of your usual sarcastic remarks finding their way past the lump in your throat. 

The softness of the pillow was a welcomed sensation, but your body could not relax, not when Jungkook was still looking at the pink marks on his inked skin, thinking about what he was going to do to you. You waited for what seemed like hours until he finally moved around, arms on either side of your head and chest pressed flush against yours. Jungkook’s heat was asphyxiating, his nose bumping against yours as he placed a small, tender kiss on your lips. He was being too calm, you noticed that instantly; still waters with sharks swimming underneath. 

“Silly girl,” he mumbled against your mouth, fingers pressing on either side of your jaw. Jungkook pulled your mouth open, thumb caressing your lower lip as he stared down at you like an arrogant monarch. You felt terribly small, shrinking under his presence. “It’s not my hands that you should be worrying about.” He smirked, and his thumb paused its tender motions on your lip. He sighed. “Now that you had your fun, I’m gonna have mine.” 

~ 

Jungkook was right: his wrists were red the next day. He naively thought that no one would be able to see it through his tattoos, but Taehyung, even in his hungover stupor, had his detective eye ready and noticed the marks right away. There was absolutely no way all his crime documentaries made him such an expert, Jungkook thought, but couldn’t really be sure of it. 

“You know… things like this only make me more curious,” Taehyung said after Jungkook had refused to tell him who had come over the previous night. He was munching on his sandwich like his life depended on it, brows furrowed into a perfect picture of concentration. There was jelly all over his mouth, pulling up the corners of his lips and making Taehyung look like a terrible, discount copy of the joker. “Like, a chick tied you up? Come on, I have to meet someone like that. It’s a matter of, like, survival, some alpha wolf bullshit—“

“Fuck off,” Jungkook cut him short, burying his face on his hands. He was too tired to deal with any of that. “I never want to hear about you or your wolves ever again.”

~

check out the rest of the bad influence collection! 

taglist > @minyoongiboongi  @bvrrym0re @marcoazam2 @shojotae @youurkryptonite @fan-ati--c @btstrasht @crazy4myself @ft-multi @kooafraid @dianaaviny @ggukkieland @cryinginmypromdress @kissestothesky @imluckybitches @gyukult @jinsalpaca @0901-1230 @we8joon​ @gamerkooks​

[thebibliosphere]

There’s a youtuber I watch, I won’t mention her cause I don’t want people giving her shit in the comments (not that I think most of you would, but y’know, it’s the Internet) and she’s recently got on this really... anti-tech bend in which she is referring to her enjoyment of cell phone usage as an “addiction”. And while for sure being constantly wired and “on” is harmful, especially doom scrolling twitter, the things she is describing doesn’t sound like addiction to me, but rather ADHD brains seeking dopamine feedback. And honestly? Making broad, sweeping comments like “cell phones are so harmful, and if you can’t just sit still and be present in the moment you have an addiction” is... making me very uncomfortable.

Like, you want me to pay attention to something? Sure, I can do that. For limited amounts of time. You want my sustained attention for hours? Not gonna happen. Unless I’m hyperfixating, nothing is going to hold my attention span for hours on end. And generally speaking, people enjoy the initial upswing of my fixations, but they don’t enjoy the prolonged outcome of me neglecting to self care for eight hours straight because my brain decided this is the only thing I’m going to focus on to the point where I forget to eat, drink, sleep, or even go to the bathroom. So when people tell me they want my undivided attention, I like to tell them they really don’t.

What I can give you however, is a rational amount of attention with the aid of things like stim and fidget toys to keep my brain from wandering for the duration of whatever we’re doing. Sometimes that can even look like scrolling mindlessly on my phone. Speaking personally, most of my attention will be on what you’re saying. I’m just giving my brain background noise to focus on while I actually process what you’re saying/doing.

And you know what? Learning to both do this and accept that I need to do this and I’m not a horrible person for not being able to 100% focus unaided, has been actively helpful and healthful for my mental health. I get fewer ADHD meltdowns, which yeah, can occur with both over stimulation and under stimulation as well. 

My brain needs some of that instant gratification because it’s dopamine starved. And what might be a problem for some people, and I genuinely believe it is... Making these sweeping statements about addiction, which is a very serious mental health issue, and making it part of your “I shun technology” spiel you’re on while running a business through YouTube is... not as sincere as you perhaps hope it is. But of course, it’s the shunning of technology as evil, so the comments are just filled with “god, you’re so right, we should all go back to before we had smart technology”, inevitably posted from an iphone with absolutely zero self awareness or sense of irony.

And then when I brought up ADHD and neurodivergency in the discord it was liked I’d just asked “who wants to kick puppies?!” and ended up muting the thread because it was easier to peace out than listen to the whole “you don’t have ADHD, sweety, you’re just highly sensitive” bullshit that is becoming more and more common in these types of groups.

Idk, the whole thing just... rubbed me the wrong way. Especially because the things she were labeling as “signs of addiction”, said in such a scandalized manner, were actually hallmarks of what I now recognize as neurodivergency. And while addiction is a major problem with ADHD—specifically with unmedicated and undiagnosed individuals who have been forced to try and rectify their lack of dopamine on their own—shunning what are honestly harmless coping mechanisms is not going to help those people. 

So you check twitter while watching TV. So what? Oh, you checked your phone ten times a day? So what? Is it actively harming you? Is it harming your mental health? Are you doom scrolling? Is it harming those around you? Are you idealizing Instagram too much and putting yourself down? Then yeah, those are bad. Maybe work on that. 

But also maybe consider you might just blaming the phone for other problems in your life you’re not addressing cause it’s easier to blame technology than it is to even consider for one second you might have ADHD.

Idk. Thanks for coming to my rambling TED talk. I’m off to read a book while listening to a podcast about a different book.