#and also. i like being able to scroll back through my own ramblings in a cohesive tumblr tag

[magicofthepen]

The Ryans Reread: In Sea-Salt Tears

Hi hello I love Elizabeth Ryan a Normal Amount!

These ramblings are cross posted from my Liz Ryan reread thread in the October Daye Discord server.

I had discussions with a couple people about In Sea-Salt Tears in the thread, but these notes are just messages I sent—my initial reactions to the story on reread. And I reference other Liz appearances, especially Drown the Lamenting!

“We know that, while we may love the ocean, the ocean doesn’t love us.” / “We know that we, among all the fae, are temporary and flawed….” 

me @ the Luidaeg, always: You fucked up a perfectly good descendant race, is what you did. 

(to be fair, that’s just most characters @ the Luidaeg)

but it sure was a Choice to revive your descendant race via a group of people you Made Sure grew up thinking they’re lesser and not worthy and hated (by you)…..

~

“I miss her every day, and the worst of it? The worst of it is that she never existed.” 

See, this is fascinating to me because it’s not true, but it is complicated. Cousin Annie was always a mask of sorts, but so is the sea witch, and both guises enable her to do thing she can’t do when she’s being the other one. There was genuine, honest vulnerability that Liz got to see from her that very, very few people do. There was also so much withheld context. 

But I don’t think Liz ever understands to what degree the Luidaeg was honest with her—which makes sense! How is she to know what was true and what was a lie? So it falls into the category of “things that would be nice for the Luidaeg to explain, if she ever manages to stop being an asshole to Liz.”

~

“Mathias had beer. Mathias always had beer — his parents were Canadian, and they’d been letting him drink since he was fourteen, the lucky stiff. Colin had the weed.” 

I so want to know if this is actually intended to be Mathias from The Unkindest Tide and Colin from A Local Habitation. I know the wiki says that the Colins are the same, but his backstory in ALH doesn’t work with this story—but is that just a continuity issue? It’s hard to believe that there would be two Selkies with the same name at the same time, even if the Selkies overall reuse names…..

also Colin is the weed guy in both ALH and ISST. 

Mathias’s backstory also contradicts if it’s meant to be the same one, bc he’s meant to live on the same coast and be part of Roan Rathad in this one, but if I can headcanon that he was just temporarily living with another clan to see what it’s like over there, I really want him to be the same guy. It’s much more fun if these other Selkies were all part of the same teen friend group as Liz 😄

~

cw: discussion of suicide 

“Former Selkies almost never stay within sight of the sea. The ones who do always wind up drowning when the need to go back to the sea gets to be too much for them.”

oof at the high risk of suicide among Selkies that pass their skins. (I have a lot of feelings in general about mental illness in the Selkie clans and the ways that we see it be normalized or ignored.)

end warning

~ The schism between Selkies and Selkiekin is so intense, and yet there’s such a sense of collective family identity, it’s so interesting. And it really does make you feel for the clan leaders, and how they are responsible for everyone and making sure everyone’s being taken care of, but they are also Selkies and thus firmly on one side of that divide, where their Selkiekin cousins are concerned.

The whole thing of Liz not knowing if she’ll ever get a skin, despite being an only child, and presumed heir is somewhat confusing?? Although we do see a great-grandmother passing a skin to a great-grandchild in this story, skipping over her children and grandchildren, some of whom might not even be alive anymore? 

So I guess she can’t expect that one of her parents will pass their skin to her generation, because they could decide to live a lot longer—Daisy’s great-grandmother was three hundred. 

(Interesting that some folks still do wait a while, and possibly have their children outlive them.)

~

“What are you?” said Mathias bluntly. Tempe hissed for him to be quiet. He ignored her.

It really is infinitely funnier if this is the same Mathias. 😄

~ When I first read this story, it truly caught me by surprise that Liz is only sixteen when she meets Annie. 🥺

~ what Annie is pretending to be—a Selkiekin Roane changeling—is what Diva actually is. at least Liz can be reasonably confident Diva will transform (based on what Aldridge said), she won’t be denied the same way (Liz thinks) Annie was. but still interesting in the context of those seven years when Diva existed, but Liz didn’t know who Annie was yet.

~

“Someone had to stay and keep an eye on the children. The older cousins would relieve us around midnight, and then I could run.” 

again, that whole “we take care of each other” ethos, everyone is meant to pitch in with looking after the kids. and even when Liz does Not want to be on duty, she doesn’t consider ditching her family responsibilities, she’s just looking forward to being off shift.

~

“[Annie] would have nothing but this: empty kitchens and watching cousins walk into the waves when she had to stay on the shore.”

the way Liz is actually Not Wrong about this…..

(except it’s by choice)

~

“Yeah, well.” Colin frowned, keeping his arm around my shoulders. It seemed suddenly like he was smothering me, but I couldn’t figure out how to step away without insulting him. It was clear that he saw Annie as a threat. I just didn’t know why. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing too.”

Colin at the Convocation of Consequences has the dawning realization that he was in a brief teenage love triangle with the sea witch 😄

(sorry buddy you were never gonna win that one, she’s a lesbian)

~

“[Annie] didn’t judge me because of what I did or didn’t have. She never would.”

oh noooo Liz is so painfully wrong about that 😭

it’s not that she doesn’t care if Liz has a skin or not, it’s that she has the opposite judgment of what Liz is used to. and that judgment is gonna be so much worse when it hits

~ Liz and Colin are definitely hooking up, given that she intends to sleep with him that night originally. and given all the sulking, he very much has a thing for her. but given that she goes off and kisses Annie that same evening, she clearly does Not think they have that kind of relationship, they’re just friends that hook up sometimes.

so really only Colin thinks he’s in a love triangle 😄

~

dammit this beach scene still tugs at my heartstrings

(I think because, despite it not being in her pov, I can feel the Luidaeg catching feelings in spite of herself)

but oof, she is millennia old and Liz is barely eighteen

and that’s not even the most dramatic invisible power dynamic at play

it’s never brought up in relation to Liz, but I definitely remember Toby having a thought about how all the Firstborn affect their descendant races and how she thinks the Luidaeg’s effect might be making the Selkies trust her more than they should

and gonna circle back to this later but I do think there’s evidence to support the Luidaeg giving off “trust me, don’t ask too many probing questions” vibes

~

“Every day was a tug-of-war between dreaming of my own future and realizing the horror of what would have to happen for that future to be mine. A relative could choose to pass his or her skin, becoming mortal and dying in the human way, but that’s not the usual way for Selkies to be made. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many of us. We die younger and more often than almost any other race in Faerie.”

They are fully fae, but they have a way higher death rate than other fae. And this has kind of scary implications for the Roane? If the Selkies are more prone to deadly accidents because they don’t grow up as fae and are only thrust into that world later, the same is true of the new Roane. Except if they die, no one will become fae in their place.

on the other hand, maybe the fact that they’re all seers now really helps cut down on the fatal accidents

~

“Was Annie already aware that I’d been passed up again, and that I was the last of the little bonfire circle she has stumbled into eight years ago?” 

🥺🥺 at the fracturing of Liz’s friend group and how isolated it leaves her.

~

also I have to assume that Liz’s parents don’t realize Liz is having a casual flirtation with the sea witch, otherwise why did they not make sure she was picked for Tempe’s skin, thus ending that.

It really is their decision that drives her completely towards Annie 😬

~

“There was a choice there, blurred by sweet red wine and sea-salt tears. Annie didn’t reach for my hands. She was leaving me the room to make that choice on my own, and I appreciated that, because I knew, just looking at her, that she was offering me something more than sex. Sex was easy; sex was fun and cathartic and nothing even remotely like a commitment. But Annie….

Annie had been hurt before. I knew it every time I looked at her.” 

Given the timeline, what Liz says here, and how she talks about hooking up with various people as a teen in an “experimenting and figuring herself out” way in DTL, this is definitely her first serious romantic relationship. 

and also, as of present day, her last 😔

~

[EDIT: oh the sex scene is…..it’s the beginning of a relationship destined to implode, but they’re also so horny and enthusiastic it’s easy to forget that part. it’s hot! them getting handsy before they’re even in the room…..😳]

~

“We went to Disneyland, where she kissed me on the Haunted Mansion ride and we had our pictures taken with Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother.”

the Luidaeg canonically taking her girlfriend on a vacation date to Disneyland is very on brand but also. the dramatic irony of the whole sea witch thing is. yeah

~

“My mother sighed. My father cried. I loaded my things into the back of Annie’s car, and together we drove to San Francisco, where her apartment was waiting for us.”

godddd this hurts when you realize both her parents Know

Liz’s parents: …..fuck fuck we should have given her Tempe’s skin

it has to hurt so much, knowing that your daughter’s girlfriend is lying to her, knowing that she’s far more dangerous and powerful than your daughter knows, and being unable to say anything

~

“It was surprisingly spacious, taking up most of the ground floor of an old brick building near the wharf.” 

the vague horror of Liz moving into a skerry entirely controlled by her girlfriend and having no idea

I also would like to know how the Luidaeg managed the whole “people bugging her for bargains” thing during the years Liz was living with her

yeah a lot of people Stay Away because of her reputation, and most don’t know where exactly she lives, but some do!

[EDIT: someone else suggested that it’s a different apartment than the one we see in the books, and specifically a different door to the same skerry. so she still has her “sea witch” apartment elsewhere. and I’ve adopted that headcanon!]

~

“We walked hand-in-hand through the city until it was almost dawn, and then we ran back to the apartment, and fell into bed, and held each other through the sunrise.” / “I was restless, moving from job to job until I found a position as a night clerk at a store that sold skin magazines and dirty movies.”

so the implication is that Liz basically lived nocturnally while she was with Annie, although she was still human.

~

“We’d been living together for almost a year before I asked about her family.”

This this is the reason I think the Luidaeg is giving off some flavor of “trust me / don’t pry” vibes. They’ve been dating for years before this, and Liz has never thought to ask about her family? That sounds completely implausible, unless maybe Liz is subconsciously being steered away from asking questions about Certain Things. I don’t think it’s something Annie’s actively doing, it’s just a feature of being Liz’s First and the subtle influence that gives her. And it takes this long for the weirdness of not having ever asked about Annie’s family to finally overrule the vague “don’t pry” vibes.

I could see that when they’re in the “we meet up and chat and flirt and kiss at clan occasions” stage of their relationship, but they’ve been properly dating for eight years by that point, they’ve been living together for a year. That is a long time to never ask “Where are you from?” (which is the specific question Liz asks)

I can’t imagine seriously dating someone in general and not knowing anything about their family—even knowing that it’s complicated and they don’t like talking about their family would be knowing something. But Annie has to tell Liz that she’s not very comfortable talking about her family, which means even that hasn’t come up in conversation before.

~

“My mother…went away. And my father couldn’t stand to be around me after that. He left me by the sea. Said ‘It’s in your hands now, Annie,’ and walked away. I haven’t seen him since.” Her breath hitched, and I realized with a start that she was crying. “I miss them so much.”  

god I love this scene.

it says so much about her complicated relationship with her parents, and thus says so much about how she is being honest with Liz when she doesn’t have to be. she could have invented a different backstory for herself, but she told the truth — because that’s such a huge part of why she pretends to be Selkiekin, she gets to show emotions and build connections she never would be able to otherwise. this conversation is so intensely personal because she is choosing for it to be, she chooses to pour out some of her messy feelings towards her parents and cry about them and let herself be held.

~

“Did she know, even then, that I was lying to her? Did I know? I like to think not.”

(this is about the “I’ll never leave you” promise.) oh Liz 🥺 you meant it at the time, it wasn’t a lie

also! thinking about it…..that was never a promise she could keep, what with her being mortal.

the best thing she could do to keep it was take the skin. and she very clearly intended to come back, she wasn’t breaking up with Annie. she just didn’t think Annie would follow through on the ultimatum.

she did go back, afterwards. she didn’t walk away.

Liz didn’t leave Annie. Annie left her.

~ okay I’m at that scene now and it’s like. this? this is meant to be the betrayal that the Luidaeg holds against her for two decades and counting?

she made the best decision she could with the information she had!

Drown the Lamenting gets into this more, but there’s the visible age gap struggle and how she assumes it would lead to a break up eventually — and the skin would fix that.

(or at least not make it worse, she doesn’t actually know it’ll age her down)

She promised to never leave Annie, and the immortality would help guarantee that.

This is what she’s wanted her whole life, this is her dream. She has no reason to think there’s anything wrong with it.

Even if it was just the last point — I genuinely believe she did nothing wrong by choosing her life’s dream, especially when “you can pick your dream or me” is a pretty shitty ultimatum to give to someone. tbh I wouldn’t blame her if she did choose to break up with Annie at that point, but she didn’t even do that! she thought Annie didn’t really mean it.

the Luidaeg chose to withhold crucial information from her, and then has been punishing her for making the wrong choice all this time.

Liz literally doesn’t understand why it’s an either/or decision, as far as she’s concerned there’s no reason for it to be?? why can’t Liz be a Selkie and they can stay together??

so yeah, she picks the choice that gives her what she wants and would make them both equally immortal, instead of the choice that requires her to deny her dream and continue to age and has no benefit other than “doesn’t make Annie jealous bc she can’t have the sea,” as far as Liz is concerned. I don’t think it was a betrayal at all.

the part that could be seen as a betrayal is her choosing to take the skin of a dead Roane, when Annie, who she thinks is part Roane, will never have the sea. but at that point it’s literally take the skin or die, so.

which is also a deal the Luidaeg put in place! she’s the reason Liz can’t choose to back out at the last moment.

~

“Damn it, Annie! That’s not fair! Have you looked in a mirror lately? I’m getting old! I’m going to keep getting old, and then I’m going to die, and I’m going to leave you alone again! I’m doing this for you!”

Annie laughed, a sound as bitter and lost as the bellow of a foghorn. “No, Liz. Don’t even try that on for size. You’re doing this for you. Because you want it. Because you feel like you were cheated somehow. Well, you weren’t cheated, Liz. I gave you everything I had it in my power to give. You weren’t cheated. I was not a second place ribbon.” 

She thinks Liz is just making excuses, but we know the age thing is clearly bothering Liz, that it’s not just an excuse. Liz is also definitely doing this because she wants it, but she has no reason to think it’s a Selkie skin or Annie, not until Annie lays down this ultimatum.

“I gave you everything I had it in my power to give.” …..except the truth

~

cw: discussion of suicide 

My mother’s mouth twisted. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I tried to be strong, for your sake; I tried to let you go. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t sit by and watch you leave us. I’m so sorry. I was weak.”

🥺 this scene hurts more after reading Drown the Lamenting knowing she knows that passing the skin will kill her. It will kill her, and it will hurt Liz, but she is doing it anyways because she can’t watch Liz stay with the sea witch forever. and the defiance of this skin passing, choosing to risk the sea witch’s wrath by taking Liz away from her. because getting her daughter away is more important than the consequences. she already knows she won’t survive this.

end warning

~

her father being buried in the sea, and there clearly being traditions around burials is another way the Selkies are Not Like Other Fae—they’re close enough to the mortal world for the night haunts to more often leave bodies behind for them to bury, often enough that they have burial traditions. (it also reminds me of how their wakes also buck fae tradition, being more lively celebrations of life)

and given that he would have no reason to pass his skin because his daughter is already a Selkie, and since Liz’s mom died after passing her skin he probably wouldn’t want to leave Liz the same way, I doubt his death was expected the same way? It seems more likely that there was an accident of some kind, as there more often is with Selkies, and he died unexpectedly and as a Selkie.

I wonder if, post-Diva’s birth but pre-his death, the question of “is Liz still his heir?” actively came up? because Liz broke the rules and had a changeling child and is she still allowed to inherit the clan? and only the Selkies, not the Selkiekin, know the full Selkie-Roane connection and thus might understand why having a Roane changeling kid might be different. Did the question of inheritance have to be ironed out beforehand? Or was it assumed if the sea witch had a problem with that, it would be dealt with if Liz tried to take over the clan?

~

The mourners were a constant tide, terrifying my daughter—sweet Diva, only seven years old, with her father’s huge green eyes and my tendency toward stillness—and forcing me to answer questions I wasn’t yet prepared for.

huh I’d forgotten about the “tendency towards stillness” line. because we see Diva so little, but she is in constant motion when we do—running to be the first to the door, running around the house, running up to Annie and talking a mile a minute.

I realize it could be “I hadn’t thought much about this character”/Not That Deep, but I could also take it as Diva was a much quieter/shyer kid than she is as a teenager, that she used to tend towards watching the room.

~

“I was contemplating the liquor cabinet”

Liz inheriting the clan was probably what kicked off the road to where her alcoholism is now—between access to a place to hide from the rest of the clan (with a place to store alcohol already included) and having her world upended that same day.

~

The door swung open, revealing the heads of the three nearest Selkie clans: the Chase, O’Connell, and Anthony families.

We know the O’Connell and Chase clans are East Coast (and so is the Lefebvre clan)—and they’re all relatively close together and 3/5 of the North American clans. idk why there are so many Selkies in that area in particular, enough for three major clans, but I’d like to think the Anthony clan is somewhere else—it’s never said, so in fic I’ve placed them on the northwest coast of North America.

and presumably Seanan hadn’t invented the the Lefebvre clan yet, otherwise they would have been included in this bit. because they’re not any further than the Chase or O’Connell clans.

so presumably the clan leaders were around already for the multi day funeral, it’s probably something that’s expected when someone knew takes charge. (Liz also says “There’s more?” implying that they’ve all been talking to her a lot already, but they’ve been waiting for the Luidaeg to show up to do this last bit.)

[EDIT: Never mind, the coastal distribution of clans makes sense—given the Selkie clans presumably originated in Scotland, it makes sense that a majority of the modern North American Selkies would be clustered around Nova Scotia.]

~

I stood before I could think better of it, almost stumbling as I raced around the desk. “Annie! Annie, I missed you so much, I—”

it’s been eight and a half years and Annie was the one who disappeared without a trace on her, the one who failed to communicate. and her immediate reaction is still to welcome her, to want to talk and fix things.

and the Luidaeg could have done this reveal in private, but she chose to let Liz embarrass herself in front of the clan leaders—her new peers and the only people who are allowed to know who Annie is.

the Drama of this reveal ahhh

I remembered winding my fingers through that hair while she cried out, muffling her voice against my skin. I looked at that hair now and knew without touching it that it would slice my fingers, that every strand would be razor-edged and deadly.

this image ahhhh — a good memory soured, intimacy and closeness vs a warning to stay away…..I am Hurting

~

I forced myself not to look away from her. “I missed you,” I said. “I buried you,” she replied.

Liz just found out Annie lied to her for decades and the very first thing she says is still I missed you……god

“I buried you” what a cruel thing to say and then leave and it’s also not true, Annie has not moved on from Liz the way she’s acting like she has here, the things she says about Liz later on point to many emotions roiling under the surface.

~

These are the things every Selkie-child knows: that the sea does not love us, that we are finite and flawed, and that we must never, never trust the sea-witch. I know all these things to be true.

that last line oof. the lesson she learned in the end is that all the warnings were true 🥺

~

Because I made the greatest mistake of all, a mistake that may well be unique in all our world: I loved her, and she loved me. I broke her heart. I proved that we are still no better than we were. Even after all these generations, we are still betraying her.

Liz did break her heart, but the rest of what Liz says here is so much more blame than she deserves, she really has internalized that it was all her fault, even to the point of comparing taking her mother’s skin to the original murder and theft of the skin. “we are still no better than we were.” holy shit taking a skin your family was bound to on purpose to keep the magic alive is not in any way comparable to murdering the Roane to try to become immortal.

(I am thinking about “You’re going to cut yourself to ribbons already over the things you can’t undo” and I am so sad about her 😔)

~

in DTL she finally stopped dreaming of Annie and started to be well rested and now she says she always dreams of Annie and it’s what she deserves 🥺

~

“At least my daughter will be spared the choice.”

once again she talks about Diva being spared the betrayer’s bargain as the key Thing (I’m noting this bc of how the narrative of Diva as apology is only ever something other characters say, and Liz recoiled from the idea of having a kid as an apology to someone, but she did like the idea of a kid who would never need to wear a skin to have the sea).

interesting that it’s left ambiguous what exactly she’s “not sorry” about. her relationship with Annie? her choice to leave and take the skin? (I mean, probably not that—although it’s complicated actually, because if she never left Annie, Diva wouldn’t exist).

[kadextra]

so on a whim I started reading omniscient reader’s viewpoint manhwa

..and got hooked on the story so hard that I easily blasted through all available eps in less than a week. istg they put dr*gs in this thing it’s so good???? 😭

[SPOILER WARNING! big ramble ahead. if you’ve never read it, leave this post. consider checking it out you won’t be able to put it down]

lets get this out of the way first.

RAHHHHHH KIM DOKJA….. KIM DOKJA I LOVE YOU

GUYSSSSS 🥺 LISTEN. HE’S SUCH A GOOD PROTAGONIST. MY TRAUMA BOY. MY DUDE WITH THE POWER TO INFODUMP PEOPLE TO DEATH. YOU SELF-SACRIFICING IDIOT. his cunning intelligence makes him super attractive what can I say, I LOVE smart mcs with ambiguous morality and self sacrificial nature

here’s a big ✨shut your mouth✨ to every character who’s said he’s ugly- get your eyes checked, get a job get away from him (I know it’s because of the fourth wall’s filter it’s not their fault I’m just being silly)

the fourth wall is such a cool power to have. the complexity of how it acts based on his perception of fiction vs reality as the reader …. that’s very interesting and well thought out!!! how it lowkey has a consciousness too and it’s so tied into his mental state makes me want to psychoanalyze this guy even more. probably one of the most unique powers I’ve seen created and explored in a story tbh

I think the entire system of how the world works is really well done in general. constellations watching the apocalyptic bloodbath via livestream and sending donos to their favorite little guys shouldn’t work as well as it does and cracks me up so much 😭 (uriel is the best). I enjoy learning about all the irl different fables, history & mythologies too. plus doing my own research is fun! I did a deep dive through the web to learn about dokkaebi folklore lol I’m having a good time

I also related hard to how dokja read TWSA throughout his life, the story was a companion for him. got choked up bc I reflected on how much my own favorite companion stories for years mean to me. there’s been situations I’ve thought “what would (character) do?” dokja saying stuff like “what would joonghyuk do?” felt like I got called out <3 I’d probably be the same as him if my favorite characters suddenly came to life

anyways yeah I caught up with the manhwa looked online and discovered it comes from an already completed novel with over 500 chapters and the manhwa is barely a third into adapting it though it’s been releasing every week for 4 years. and that it’ll take like 10 more years to finish. I then planted my face in my hands and screamed with despair

I’ll shrivel up waiting to see what happens……………heyyy woahhhh.. whats this light of salvation ? the novel file just completed download on my phone ? that’s crazyy wow I opened it ? im scrolling it right now ? omg I’m telling myself in the mirror “pace yourself, try to space your reading out do NOT read too fast” ?

jokes aside im excited, first I’ll take some time to read back through the earlier chapters for extra context of scenes! >:D after I finish doing that…. pls pray for my self-control to try stretching this for as long as possible. I’m pumped to see what happens next with this demon king part so maybe I’ll read along with the manhwa unless I get too impatient heh

to conclude- I had no idea the fandom of orv was so passionate. while closing my eyes to spoilers, I was looking at beautiful fanart and animatics (watched this one and ascended that’s one of my fav rin songs). I can tell how much you guys love the story, there’s always going to be people like me who get interested so keep it up :D if the fandom does end up reading this, ummm *knocks on the door* hi im new

I will likely talk about it more in the future!! tagging under “#kade reads orv” ! might draw fanart on my art blog too bc brainworms <3 happy reading everyone

[damnation-if]

Hi, I just played the demo and I loved it! I was wondering if you could give us an estimate of when the next update is coming?👉👈 (Or link a relevant post, if you already talked about and I just didn't scroll down far enough to see it 😆)

Also, I wanted to check, can you be in a romantic relationship with more than one character, and not just a sexual one? Because I might be in love with every single character in this game 🤭

hi, thank you! i'm glad you're enjoying the game :) i've answered the question about romancing multiple characters a couple of times in a couple of different asks but the posts all kind of link back to each other so you should be able to find all the info by. following the various links in each ask i think, starting here XD

i'm going to put the answer to your other question under a cut because some of it is quite emotional for me

i did Sort Of talk about this at the time when it happened, by which i mean that rather than making a post, i talked about it in the tags of an unrelated post i was using to distract myself (i think it was character playlists and how i'm not sure if it's a good idea to do them or not if i recall), but earlier this year while i was already going through a really rough time, my laptop died and i lost a lot of work on the game.

i knew my laptop was old and that this was possibly approaching so i made regular backups and the good news is that because i write in a separate word document and keep backups of those also i didn't actually lose any Writing. however. my twine has a problem in that every second or third game file that i publish from the build is Haunted - it contains passages i removed weeks ago, or writing that i deleted long before publishing it, that kind of weird annoying shit. (other authors have seen my files do this lmfao) and i just have to hope that the backups i make either won't be needed or aren't haunted. anyway... because hope is futile, the last backup i made was indeed haunted, and utterly useless to me as a recovery file. because it's just twine, i still have all the writing, as i mentioned... but i would have to re-code the entire chapter and put it all back together again because of how much the file did not export, which is a complicated and daunting process.

so i made a rambling explanation of this in the tags of a post and decided to take maybe a couple of days off and cool down from this specific disaster before getting into it.

i wake up the next morning to find the IF community absolutely plastered all over with Helpful Informative PSA posts about how Silly it is not to make backups and how if you just make backups you'll never have problems again and you should know better than to not make backups.

now. i'm not a catastrophist. i know for a fact that nobody was making or spreading these posts out of cruelty or a desire to make me feel bad. i also know that it's not particularly realistic to expect people who don't even know me to hunt down the source of a piece of hearsay that's like "i heard from someone that someone said that an author lost a bunch of their files and is really upset about it" to find out what the situation is and whether or not it's what they imagine. i don't even think the vast majority of people knew who it was that was the author involved, or who i am either.

but to already be going through an extremely stressful time and then lose my laptop on top of that and then be obliquely referenced by people i thought of as my peers as kind of just a big silly bumbling goose who didn't know how to manage my files and a "don't be like this person" attitude really, really hurt me. i can't express just how deeply it hurt me. one particular author was openly laughing at me and saying it was my own fault for being too stupid to make backups using a certain twine peripheral program.

so. there was a period of time where i could have found the motivation to just restart the whole chapter myself and re-code it in a frenzy because i wanted to get right back into writing it because. like a lot of authors, i LOVE writing. that's why i do this even when it's difficult. but that potential recovery was sandblasted away by the reactions of people that i thought of as my colleagues in some sense (even though i understand that they didn't do it with bad intentions, in most cases). and i hope people can understand that it greatly lengthened the amount of time i needed to spend away from the game recovering emotionally, despite being a Very Small issue to most people. i'm literally upset again just typing out this answer lmfao

however one other small piece of good news is that my laptop seemingly just lost the ability to turn itself on (because of its age) so i Think the hard drive is intact. meaning that i think i can get someone to pull all the files off it and just have them back fine once i do. the other piece of bad news is that my life is a trainwreck! and i cannot afford that right now. which is why i sort of pivoted to writing the 2000 follower celebration sidegame as a way to enjoy myself while i hurtle through hell sdjgbdfhfdgh

shortly after this thing with the laptop the house i was living in was sold out from underneath me, even though it wasn't supposed to be, and i had to find somewhere to live with my 18 year old cat, but the city i lived in had zero places that would allow cats (they're totally fine with Dogs though of course) so i had to move to an entirely new city on my own while worrying about her health. and right now i spend every fortnight desperately trying to scrape together enough to survive the next fortnight. there were entire months where i had no access to internet! it's been pretty Bad!!

so i get that people really want updates, and i'm really flattered that people do and it makes me happy that people like the game so much. but i am currently expending so much time and energy trying not to die lmfao, and i need to save up the money to get my files back around that. i truly cannot tell you when the next update will be, but i promise you that it Haunts me, probably more than you can imagine XD the sidegame will Definitely come out before it though, if that's something you're looking forward to.

thank you again for your message, and i'm sorry that i don't have good news for you. but i am trying, constantly. every day.

[bots-and-cons]

Hey a while back I sent in an ask that wasn’t an ask it was more like a submission. I didn’t think about it getting deleted when I re-deleted my account. I do that during collage semesters to fight the adhd urge to scroll and put off schoolwork but I pop in from time to time to check on old friends and interact.

Long story short this is the inspiration for the asking each respectable mech to take care of their tortoise Shelldon when they are gone. (Thanks for writing that btw😄) I went with an African spurred tortoise because it’s own-able. The real life Shelldon is an endangered and federally protected gopher tortoise that I think is about 3 years old now because he showed up in the spring of 2022 and mother gopher tortoises have been observed allowing offspring to hunker down in their burrow for their first winter.

But yeah dude showed up when I was replanting lettuce in my greenhouse and he started rummaging through the plants I just tossed on top of the compost pile, then he dug his burrow against my fence, and in a cat like fashion I have tortoise now and thus can never move 😂.

Due to him being a wild and protected tortoise I don’t want him to become dependent so I feed him only every so often and avoid dropping food (and I do a ton of research on what he can and can’t have) at the same time of morning or afternoon. I typically give him stuff most during the dry season since we’ve had droughts and in the winter when things die back. I will sprinkle stuff in the yard occasionally so he gets assorted veggies, I bought a small cylinder of grassland tortoise pellets, and he gets calcium fortified tortoise treats to find when out foraging every so often. But my biggest thing has been planting native grasses and a little patch of dandelions and wild pea plants against the fence.

I mean I probably shouldn’t interact with him at all legally but he moved into my yard and seemed to have a rough first year on his own, I had to move him back to his hole a few times because he got lost in my yard in 100 degree heat at the hottest part of the day when tortoises or really any animals avoid being out and started pacing in circles by the walkway because he knew he couldn’t get back to his hole in time and his shell was scalding hot those times I had to pick him up but he has seemed to have learned his lesson on what time of day is appropriate to be out and I haven’t had to move him since.

But yeah thank you for answering my ask, sorry for the ramble, and I hope you have a great week! 😄

I was wondering what happened to the ask, I thought tumblr was just being tumblr, because the amount of asks in my inbox didn't change but the ask itself disappeared. At least now I know what causes the phantom ask thingy to happen.

Anyway, I love all kinds of tortoises/turtles, and I think they're super cool, and Shelldon is also very cute. All of that is also really interesting, honestly I don't know much about tortoises in general even though we used to have one when I was a kid. Shelldon has a cool story to go with him too I see :D I think the way you're taking care of him is very reasonable and it's good you're not making him be dependent on you. Idk about the legality of it, but I don't think it's a bad thing. He looks very cute in the pictures, one hungry boi :D

[avionvadion]

One, really love the drabble regarding El and Lucifer. Especially since you can tell Lucifer is struggling to stay in the moment, but Elanora is doing a pretty good job keeping him grounded in reality. Which works out in his favor because that actively lets him start writing the letter instead of giving up before he even starts.

Two, I admit it. Whilst I know the circumstances probably won't let it happen, I can totally see El joining in on Ellie and Charlie's duet during "You Didn't Know" (maybe she was dragged along so she can guilt trip the higher ups of Heaven lol) because sure, she may not be able to come up with lyrics on the spot, but I can see her being able to join in on that sort of thing. And, well, considering everything revealed at Heaven El would be justified in getting a bit angry at Sera alongside Ellie and Charlie-

Alsjslsjlaksks thank youuuu! 💕💕💕

I struggled so hard trying to write Lucifer a song. El was going to sing a song that followed the line of “trust me” but I couldn’t find one outside of FnaF and Jungle Book (oh the irony there) before scrolling through my old middle school Sound Cloud playlist and was like, wait. Holy frick. Lost Within fits Luci so well???? And thus that happened, lol.

Anyways! Sorry. I ramble.

Luci’s brain is so scrambled, he needs someone to pull him back sometimes. I imagine there ends up being a few moments when he and El are together and he starts to get so distant it actually starts to scare her, and she ends up grabbing his arm- surprising him and snapping him out of his spiraling mind- to make sure he doesn’t just… disappear.

And for sure El would go with them. Charlie will be using her to be like, “All the Sinners at the hotel have been protecting this poor, innocent soul that was wrongly summoned to Hell! She’s been helping me redeem them, one step at a time!”

Heaven is absolutely going to lose their shit because WHAT DO YOU MEAN A HUMAN WAS SUMMONED INTO HELL!??? Emily would be ecstatic while Sera is just… no longer functioning.

They probably try to convince her to stay in Heaven instead since she’s so “pure hearted” or whatever and it’d be safer for her, but El is like, “Haha sorry I promised Lucifer a thing so I gotta stay” and they’re like “LUCIFER!??? WHAT PROMISE!???” “Ah, well, he said he’d protect me if I give him advice about some stuff and I kinda gotta be in Hell for that…” and Adam just fucking loses it. “BITCH YOU’RE STAYING IN HELL FOR THAT FUCKING LOSER???” “That loser’s ex wife used to be YOUR wife, dude” “SHUT THE FUCK UP, STAY IN HELL. HOPE YOU DIE TOMORROW AND TURN INTO A DEMON SO I CAN EXTERMINATE YOU NEXT WEEK”

(Adam immediately gets smacked upside the head by Sera)

I think by that point in time, El has been in Hell for so long she can participate in songs- but she can’t burst out singing with one of her own. Also maybe her relationship with Lucifer comes into a play a bit, since he’s magic (ancient magic, specifically) and… well…

Being repeatedly exposed to magic would certainly start letting one be affected by it, right? Haha… ha… ahem. Maybe she isn’t wholly human anymore after a while. El may not have fallen or died, but giving oneself to the literal King of Hell, former archangel or not, isn’t about to let you stay Human. 👀

Anyways. Yeah. El would be pissed and would probably throw shade at the angel council that, while Hell may be full of horrors, the people there are at least honest- something Angels are supposed to be- and have gone out of their way to make her feel welcome, whereas Heaven is full of hypocrites and assholes like Adam who just make her uncomfortable.

“If Hell is forever then Heaven must be a lie! If Angels can do whatever and remain in the sky!” Ellie hops up on the table behind Emily and Charlie. “The rules are shades of gray, when you don’t do as you say! When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again!”

Hell is Forever is such a freaking bop though oh my gods. You Didn’t Know a masterful reprise of it.

I’m obsessed with Loser, Baby though. It’s so swingy and jazzy and UGH. It’s so good.

[lemonarcade]

to everyone:

we did it! we made it to the end of 2023 :) thank you for being part of this roller coaster of a year that went by faster than my brain could comprehend, whether you’ve known me for quite a while, or we’ve just started getting to know each other.

our world has changed and is still changing very much, and i wish only the best for every single one of you that sees this. please stay safe, take care, and here’s to 2024!

some personal messages under the cut!

💌: @by-moonflower

dearest kesya,

writing letters long asks back and forth has become one of my favourite pastimes.

i send you strength and resilience, hope and light. may you find the peace and comfort you deserve.

thank you for always indulging me in my ramblings; sharing our agony over inarizaki’s aggravating middle blocker, mr no.10 sunarin.

your works will forever hold a special place in my heart (i go back to them from time to time) and one day i might frame your beautiful prose and your use of language.

you’ve seen me through my many many reinventions of the (online) self, and each time you welcome me with open arms and a warm loaf of earl grey bread (don’t mind me, i’m just fondly thinking of the wonderful ask you once sent me). this humble one simply cannot express through words just how much this friendship means to me, but i hope that we can continue to watch each other grow and live through life, just as we do now.

sending my warmest wishes for your 2023 to end well, and for 2024 to welcome you just like i was.

tearfully,

caz

💌: @bflfism

yun!! the beefleaf mutual™ that wrote an amazing lqq fic that i was so intrigued by, despite not knowing much more about tgcf outside of the first season of the anime (i don’t think i’ve ever said this to you, so imagine me running to drop a comment as soon as i’ve posted this) i can’t believe i was lucky enough to have found you and stuck with you through your blog changes (as you did with me). what would life be like if i never met you- nevermind! i don’t want to even consider the possibility 😤

even if you don’t frequent tumblr as much anymore, i still enjoy the connection with have through the dash and asks! and :D i would like to say that you have my utmost support in your cosplaying journey ~ (please see my likes are like little thumbs up and encouraging smiles hehe)

💌: @minkibug

minki my beloved tuxedo cat mutual 😼 your silliness never fails to make me smile as i scroll through dash. you 🫵 will be the best dentist. i also wish that you’ll have an unlimited supply of matcha forever (only the best for my fellow matcha lover). it’s such a joy to see you on dash, whether that be study struggles (relatable) or new kpop fixation (good on you) or random tidbits, know that i look at your posts fondly.

💌: @harubirus

hihi fae! i hope you don’t mind the tag, but i wanted to use this opportunity to show my admiration and appreciation for you. your poetic and artistic reblogs never fail to open my eyes to the ways creativity can be expressed, and even more so from your own creations! although we haven’t truly interacted much, your presence on my dash is one i treasure and hope to continue seeing as the new year rolls by. wishing you all the best with life and hope it is treating you well 🧡

💌: @thelargefrye

🍟 my fry queen! i’m very happy we’ve managed to get to this point and remain mutuals (let’s not look at my multiple deletion and creation of blogs…)

smalls, i will always be a loyal fry of yours; even if our fandoms may have drifted apart, seeing your reblogs and posts on the dash reminds me of how i look up to you. your passion and support for ateez is still going strong to this day, and i really admire it as a fellow atiny.

may you enjoy the rest of 2023 and a good 2024 await you!

💌: @secnghwa

viviii it has been way too long since we’ve had a proper chat! whenever we do have a small one, i never seem to be able to ask how you’ve been doing, so here’s me hoping that 2023 has been good to you. ateez’s comeback brought us back together briefly and it was awesome :D the seongjoong unit song was FIRE 🔥 and your bias slayed every. single. rap. verse.

thank you for being part of my 2023 and i hope 2024 will kick off nicely for you!

💌: @barsformars

rinnie i was ecstatic to see your return! hope this year has been good for you, or else 2023 and i will need to have a talk *cracks knuckles*

i missed you a lot, and admittedly did go through your blog on more than one occasion… it was so delightful seeing you back on the dash :D i never did ask, but how did you find ateez’s comeback? they really outdid themselves in many ways, and this album showed quite a lot of the growth that they’ve done since their last full album.

you’ve always been and will always be a good friend of mine that i will think of, and i cherish the times in the past that we shared 🧡 do let me know if i can keep in touch on another platform!

2024 better watch it and be nice to rin 👊

💌: @yinyinggie

you are genuinely a fairy in disguise. let me squish your cheekies okay (please)

combining compliments from teyval and the christmas tree, i am here to present my end of year words of gratitude to the lovely fae.

yinggie, the moments i spend talking to you are never wasted, and most of the time i tuck some of the words into a pocket in my heart. you are like spring flowers blooming in the company of light breeze, and it would be my honour to be able to capture the essence of the gentleness you exude.

my liege, it is MY pleasure to know you and i hope to get to know you even better with this coming year, and perhaps many more to come (i reiterate my wish to someday meet in person)

i feel like you have inspired and helped me to work on myself in quite a few ways, whether it be directly or indirectly, so please have this token of gratitude 🌷

my parting words to you would be that my belief in you stands strong and you can do anything you put your mind to (taking wise words from someone i know)

hope you have a grand closing to end the year :D

💌: @dumbificat

dumbs! (please let me know if i can call you that) my dear darling, you are so so sweet and lovely, and i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know you this year. your willingness to help others and to put yourself out there deserves all the pats on the back and thumbs up (. you’re such a wonderful meowtual and i would definitely love to know you more in this upcoming year. thank you for being a constant witness to my valorant fails and wins. please do take care of yourself and i only wish the best for you 🧡 cheers to the new year!

💌: teyval

to my fellow server members, thank you for making this last half of 2023 such a blast! it's been amazing chatting with everyone and meeting so many lovely people in the span of these past few months, and i wouldn't have it any other way 🧡

to my jijis, your warm welcomes to us newbie mods really made my day. it's been incredible to work together to improve on teyval as a safe and positive space to everyone else, and the endearing ideas you guys have come up with to bring joy to the members is so heartwarming.

special mentions to mhie, zee, snob, ven, yukari, rosey, bell, nervo, meisha, star, henry, alu, cixi, mr cosmic (and ely) for being gold star souls that are part of the reason i continue to go on teyval regularly.

💌: @hereisleo

if leo ever sees this -> i got a kodak film camera!! i've brought it along with me on some trips and special occasions, and from the developed film it's quite clear i've got a lot to work on hehe

hope you've been healthy and well, and continue to be so as we step into a new year 🧡

[eddsworld-the-masquerade]

Blog update: “About” and “Characters” pages rewrite 

First of, happy new year everyone! Hoping this one doesn’t end me for good haha. 

As stated above, “About” and “Characters” pages have been updated with new info, character description, sheets and art (which you see in this post). You’ll need to open the blog in browser in order to view these pages. Keep in mind that it’s all subject to change given that the story is still in early development (I wrote down 1/4 of the script plan so far) and I might get rid of things I feel I can’t utilize properly. 

I’m also opening the ask box again, so if the text inspires you or makes you wonder certain things, you can drop your message there :) I can’t promise I’ll be quick to answer and I probably won’t be able to answer all of your asks but I’ll do my best to read through them all. 

Under the cut is rest of the concept art (and some of my rambling) so I don’t make the post too bloated to scroll through:

Edd’s style is still considered “weird” but in a more obnoxious and bold way. It’s screaming “Look at me! Look at me! I’ll have you look my way like it or not!”. I like the silly thought of him coming to embrace larger suits thanks to his sire. It is comfortable! And one of the kind - if you were wondering for what purpose Edd needs sewing skills, that’s the answer :)  

Tord lost his iconic sweater and scarf. I gotta say I wasn’t sure if bare chest idea would work out but I’m glad I tried it cuz heck yeah it did. Love it or hate it Tord doesn’t give a damn 😎   His fake horns are now slicked back which makes him look like a disgruntled kitten lol And I added a belt buckle, it’s a skull being crushed by a hammer (roughly designed after thor’s hammer as a nod to his origin); it carries a certain personal significance too 

Matt style is still inspired by vintage suits and illustrations but customized for personal taste. Like the vest being asymmetrical, or the suit being more “flappy” and with a big cutout on the back. It’s sort of a way of saying “I might be playing by the rules but I do it my own way”. He is ultimate bishounen now and his power is mesmerizing enemies with that iconic anime stare and sound effects (this is a joke, but a joke I love) 

Tom had it worst XD but also I had the most fun with him. The pale yellow parts on his body are supposed to be bone and um...shell...thing...you know when something spends a lot of time in the water in the open sea and you get it out and it’s covered in those THINGS yeah I can’t find the word but hopefully you got my point hahaha. It was hard to keep him as monstrous as possible but also recognizable but I think giving him the monster tom color palette did the job. Also yes he got scales. And the texture I did on his skin is supposed to be semi-transparent...like jello maybe? he’s hideous and a pain to color and i love him lol

I also did this little relationship chart to explain changes in the well relationships in-group! 

[dexiiexox]

Bestfriend headcanons for Nick Sturniolo💜

a/n; Hihi! First time writing for Nick :))👍 might be off, but these are just what I imagine so enjoyyy :> and I know for a FACT that there are so many words Ive spelled wrong in this one, but Im too lazy to proof read it :)

Nick Sturniolo x reader (platonic)

warnings: none?

summary: headcanons of what I imagine being bestfriends with Nick Sturniolo would be like!

SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING MISTAKES❕

————————————————————————

I firmly belive that Nick would never jugde you if you’re close friends, he might not always agree on certain topics, but he would never jugde you

And that is also why you guys have such a close bond, you guys are able to tell eachother everything, wether it’s realationships, concerns, drama, something that’s recently been going on, anything, doesnt matter, you guys tell eachother

I just know he would take your concerns very seriously, he would always be there and listen to you rant to him about anything and nothing

And he would have no problem telling people off if they were out of line.

It had been a pretty stressful week and on top of that some of your "friends" had been acting so wierd. You guys hadnt hung out in a while, and you guys had decided to meet up since you had some openings in your schedual. But when you guys had hung out they had just been somewhat rude to you the whole time and made snarky comments. About the way you spoke or what you said.

You brushed it off in the start, but it just carried on and it honestly hurt. You just decided to stay quiet for the rest of the evening and left after you guys had grabbed some food.

You had just gotten home to your apartment, when you got a notification from your phone. It was a Snapchat notification, from a group.

You had been added in a groupchat with those same "friends" you had hung out with. There was one long message from them telling you they thought you had been acting wierd the whole evening. They stated that they thought it was rude that you werent talking much and left so quietly. They meant that you had changed.

You didnt really understand why they said that, where was all of this coming from? You hd been nothing but nice, despoter their comments and behaviour. You just sighed deeply and didnt bother to respond. All you wanted to do was shower and done off on the couch for the night.

You we’re able to take a shower before the doorbell rang. Getting dressed fairly quick, you went and opened the door. You we’re met with concerned Nick, now feiles written in his face.

I can definetly imagine Nick calling you or FaceTiming you whenever he needs to rant about shit that just annoys him

I was sat at my desk, browsing through random stuff on my laptop.I was in my own little bubble, listening to some slow songs and just mindlessly scrolling. That was until a loud ring startled me and brought me out of my daze.

It was a FaceTime call from Nick and I could see his face on screen. I pauses the music and answered the call.

"Hey-" I was cut short.

"Holy fuck!" Nick was basically screaming through the phone.

I was taken a back by his loud voice.

"Whats up?" I asked concerned seeing how bothered he sounded.

"Chris has been a fucking idiot all night." he let out a huff as he layed down on his bed. I just laughed a little.

"What’s he done now?" I gave Nick a questioning look.

"Oh boy if you knew, kids spilled my whole fucking Snapple in the car" I could clearly hear the annoyance in Nicks voice. I just giggled a little imagining how that scene wouldve looked like.

"And he’s jumping around like a damn monkey! He jumped back ONTO me!" He raider his voice again. I burst out laughing at that point and Nick ended up letting out a few giggles as well.

"Hellooo? Isnt that crazy?" He asked still giggling lightly.

"Sounds like Chris to me" I smiled back.

From there the conversation just went on, Nick rambled some more about Chris' shananigans in the car before we started talking about everything else that came to mind.

I also imagine that Nick would need help figuring out what to wear, and sometimes you would too

Like before going out, you guys just sit on the bed while the other one tries on different outfits and get the others opinion on it

(UFHSKDNDN i just need to use this opertunity to say that Nick is SO FUCKING PRETTY!! He looks so gorgeous I dont even know where to start)

Nick had invited me to go out for dinner with him, Chris, Matt and a few of their other friends.

And as usual I had stopped by their apartment so me and Nick could help eachother find the right outfit for the night. I had brought with me a few different outfits and clothes I was thinking about wearing, but I still couldnt really figure it out.

I had chatted with the three of them in the kitchen for a while before me and Nick made out way to his bedroom to get ready.

We had spendt some time trying to find the right outfit for Nick, and we finally found it. We ended up with him wearing his red and black knitted sweater, black parachute pants, his black chunky shoes and a pair of black glasses as an accesorie.

We spendt a good while figuring out what I would wear, all the outfits I tried either seemed somewhat off or like something was missing.

"No, it looks kind of odd?"

"Yeah, I dont know about this one"

"Absolutely not"

I tried on dresses, skrits, tops, shorts, fishnets, and I tired mutiple different outfits, but nothing felt right.

"The pants made it kind of wierd"

"Ouuhh.. yeah no-.."

"I think I’m loosing my mind, what the hell is this?"

I rubbed my eyes and sighed. I went back into the bathroom and tried on my last outfit. I looked myself in the mirror and smiled. I actually really liked it, but I needed to see what Nick thought of it. So I opened the door and stepped into his room. Nick looked up from his phone and smiled at me.

"Uhh yeah! Defiently, you look good girl!"

I smiled at his compliment.

"Thanks"

We both finished getting ready, we chilled downstairs with Matt and Chris before we all headed out for the evening.

————————————————————————

Im too lazy to write more :)👍

Regardless of that though, hope you had a good night or day and youre worth so much💕💕

-dexy💕

[rin-and-jade]

Im so happy to see you taking a break and I hope the break is very nice!

I understand there might be a delay in responses but thats okay, please take your time your health is more important !!

Be prepared for a huge wall of text so sorry in advance-

But, i have a few things im just itching to ask gahhh

Firstly, we originally believed we had little to no amnesia (believing osdd-1b) BUT since then we realised the amnesia is so much heavier than we realised, we figured bc we could recall general events and it was calm in a sense (we saw majority of the time when people experience amnesia its distressing and the loss of all memory) but, the memories are not memorying, so now we are assuming just DID, and that brings me to the second part...

fragments and subsystems, so, idk how valid this is (mostly bc my assumptions are based off vibes/gut instinct) but im fairly sure a subsystem occurred a few months back from a split where that alter just disappeared, which is unusual from what we have documented from the past 1.5 years (most splits the alter detaches from the stressor and those stressors mould a new alter to deal with it in a sense-) so from the recent odd split i believe a subsys was created as such? i have no clue except the vibes, in which it feels like a bunch of fragments in a sense? like i believe ive been fronting for months on my own for now, but there are some parts of my days where i just blank anything that happened, so im curious if there is-

and its not the only time as such where we have had this dreaded gut feeling there were more parts that might be dormant or even very separate, or even parts we dont even notice due to the nature of disorder being a whole lot of forgetting and the disorder pretending to not be the disorder and stuff ;-;

im so sorry for the huge rambles, if you have any advice or explanations or even resources i can read through to draw my own conclusions that would be so cool, bc as of right now im so scared to say this as i feel like im actually faking it for attention and theres no way i was traumatised enough for this and yadayada

tldr: should i trust my 'gut instincts' about system related information, or is my brain being silly?

I don't see the point on invalidating instincts, they're subconscious pattern detectors, so if you feel off, you bet it IS off. Though it's healthy to back it up with evidence preferably, and if there's no evidence yet, then you prowl like a predator in attempt to search for the truth scroll... cough--with a help from me whenever you need it, i mean im not going anywhere.

Also, you can check wether you have did or osdd by jotting down logs or patterns wether: you're memorying more or memorying less, the things you forgot, how often do you find yourself black/greying out, how distinct your personalities are, and wether you can easily remember other part's memories or able to grasp another facet of yourself (if you do not, or is really hard too, im sure this is 'did' from first impression)

--

Right, and for the advices, further explanations, or even resources are all answered by my previous edu posts where its compiled in the #jeducates tag,, i'd love you to just swim in it and process all my information like a sponge.. and come back the second time with more specific questions if you still need confirmation or assurances.

Let me know how it went, i'll be waiting for ya's update!

- c

[hypaalicious]

My internet was out for a week & this is my survival story.

No deadass I was kinda struggling 😭

But at the same time, I learned a lot about how social media is absolutely affecting my brain chemistry and it’s enlightening.

I’ve often had to take breaks from certain platforms whenever I find myself overwhelmed. But I always had an escape to like, other media.

When I ghosted FB for years, I took solace in Tumblr.

When I got burned out on fandom stuff on Tumblr, I ditched it for Twitter.

Whenever Twitter gets to be too annoying, I just scroll on Reddit.

But this was the first time in many moons that I had absolutely NO access to any of my vices. 🥲 Worst part was not having access to my besties on Discord, I felt so isolated and restless and bored. I depend on Twitter as like, my news station as well so there was a lot of FOMO on my shoulders. I was just sitting in the house like

I’m an asocial introvert but being absolutely cut off from the world at the safe distance I already kept it was brutal.

But, I went back to reading. I absolutely tore through Jacqueline Carey’s newest release in a day. I picked up an Astrology book I’ve had forever and read through that. I spent my time doing more chores or just… not having constant stimulus. I was still anxious because I couldn’t talk to my besties and also work on my VN stopped cause the team was waiting on ME to catch up 😩 But…

I’m calmer, overall. I feel less polarized and combative mentally. I have a lot to catch up on but it’s not as overwhelming in my head as it usually is. I feel like despite all my attempts at trying to get to a deeper understanding of astrology by following knowledgeable astrologers, I got more of a breakthrough NOT being pelted by a thousand astro opinions a day. Reading Carey’s book absolutely reignited my love for Terre d’Ange and adult writing in general; she has such a mastery over words I’ve only been able to grasp like ONCE in my life. I was all up in Joscelin’s story like

You really don’t notice how much you’re not being challenged in your reading until someone with her skill runs you over and you thank her for the privilege, LMAO!

I’m scrolling on Twitter now and feel detached from it in a way that’s good, I think. Being constantly informed is a double edged sword and I’m TRULY understanding how just… very reactionary social media is even when you follow people/topics that mean well. It literally cannot be healthy to absorb the knee-jerk takes and think pieces people make all the time, even if it shows me a perspective on issues I hadn’t considered.

It’s sad that my eternal fight with Cox internet forced me to take a sabbatical but I’m thankful for it. I need to be more disciplined and make my own planned absences from social media because I feel better not being constantly plugged in and doom scrolling. Idk how I’m gonna wrestle my ADHD to comply but ima figure it out, lol.

I guess this ramble is a reminder to take breaks from this hellsite and any other form of social media. It seems like nbd when you’re jumping from a YouTube video to IG to Tiktok all in the span of maybe 20 minutes and have been doing that for years. You don’t notice when you’re being overly influenced. You think cause you’ve curated your feed very well that you’re not stressed, especially when there’s extreme examples of unwell people on display to reassure you that you’re doing just fine by comparison.

Bestie, no you’re not. 😭 You’re drowning in stimulus and giving yourself no time to sit in stillness and find YOURSELF outside of all of the noise. Detox from all that and see how far you’ve REALLY come.

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

My own theory while I do be theory-ing with someone else -

is it possible that Rae's sibling isn't like, biologically related to him, at all? His sibling is neither Orchid's or Enderian's? Because, them being Enderian's and living with Orchid doesn't quite make sense? Maybe a little bit, but, like, hear my next words out-

Okay, like, Little tiny thing we seem to looking over (i think, i dont know if its been mentioned, the amount of time it would take to scroll back-), is the board from "Turn your back on the sun". One of the papers mentions that the Princess (Presumably Orchid) and her First Born (extra emphasis on *first*) are alive, A, and B, doing well. Now, presumably, through process of elimination, or, whatever, we can assume that Rae was born * during * the war. Also, presumably, those papers were put up, during the war. See where I'm getting??

Like, Rae is, presumably (assuming my assumptions are correct) the only biological child of Orchid, the whole first born thing, war stuff, and all. So. Yeah, that's a thing-

I would say, look at Enderian's dialogue during the Fable and Enderian memory, cutscene, thing. She simply says she doesn't have a child (and Fable also only refers to 1 child, so-). But maybe don't, because according to what I remember, Enderian's memories also got messed up during the resets? So, maybe don't fall back on that, but then again, maybe do. I dunno.

Dropping back to the first born thing, you can't exactly keep a child a secret. Like, I think it's pretty hard to do that, and we're talking about a princess with many a guard, and many a people looking out for her. No way is she able to hide a full blown biological child from the public, like, they would have to find out eventually. (All things considered, they probably knew? I mean, She had pictures said older sibling drew in the castle, very open, so.)

Uhhhhhh, rambley thought over? I'm writing this in a Google keep note, and I'm basically rambling to myself. So, bounce ideas off as you will-

[eldritchmusing]

Welcome to My Abode

Also known as the area where an eldritch rabbit rambles, rants, redesigns, and reblogs things that I don't particularly like about certain series or their fandoms.

So, if you are a die hard stan of any show/movie/webcomic/etc. I talk about here, then please do not interact, for the sake of my mental health and yours!

With many of these shows, I am very set in my views, so if you want to talk to me about the pros/cons of the shows, that is fine, but be aware that I will not move from.

Series that will be talked about here: Av/'s Demon, L/re O/ympus, H/llva B/ss, H/zbin H/tel, P/rsona, D/nganronpa, S/even U/iverse and more that will be added as I think of them. (censored so that the shitty search system won't pick up on them, the respective fandom critical tag will be tagged on this post)

With that being said, please make sure that you are not just hate scrolling through any of these critical tags, as I used to. It was very much not healthy for my brain to be constantly exposed to negativity, and if you have been scrolling in a critical tag for more than an hour, I highly encourage you to take a break.

This is not me saying "you shouldn't criticize anything".

Far from it, considering what this blog is about.

It's more that, while it's important to crticise things that need criticizing and calling out people when they fuck up, you need to be able to separate yourself from anything negative and not become too wrapped up in all of this and keep your own mental health in check.

So, with that in mind, I hope you enjoy your stay!

But, before you go, be sure to check out my tagging system that is below the cut. It'll make things much easier for you to navigate, especially as I go back and .

For real now, see you~!

👁️ eldritch murmuring | talking

🩸 the pact has been made | writing

🫀 forbidden masterpieces | art

♾️ twists in the universe | theories

💭 dreaming of what could be | rewrites

🧵 sewn back together | edits

👁️‍🗨️ from across the planes | reblogs

🌌 extraterrestrial beings | ava's demon

🌺 from the laurels and heavens | lore olympus

😈 impish desires | helluva boss

😇 unlikely redemption | hazbin hotel

🃏 what is in the cards | persona

💔 despair taking over | danganronpa

💎 what glitters isn't gold | steven universe

[aceofwhump]

Hi, long time viewer very bew poster here. so im starting a whump blog. But im kinda new to the whole consept. What do one post? How does this work? Who what when which whaaaaa? How do one reach the comunity and whats the rules?

Hi there!!! Oh that's very exciting!! Congrats! It's a lot of fun having ones own whump blog. Very freeing to be able to go batshit crazy about whump in the safety of your blog.

Okay so you're questions:

First of all, you can post about whatever you want!! it really is as simple as that! Whatever kind of whump you enjoy, post about it! You can blog writing scenarios, stories and fanfics, gifsets, and tropes that you've seen and enjoyed. You can create your own writing, gifsets, edits, video clips, etc or you can reblog things others have made. You can just ramble incoherently about your favorite characters you like to whump or your favorite tv or movies scenes that give you whumperflies or what tropes you love or tropes you'd like to see more of. You can share things you like but maybe don't see in the community. Maybe you love this one scene but nobody talks about it. Tell us about it! The world of whump is wide open.

We don't have steadfast rules here imo but we do have a few things to keep in mind:

When you post make sure you tag properly. Tagging is an incredibly important aspect of being a part of this community because we blog about a lot of potentially triggering things. So it's important to tag properly so that those who are triggered are are uncomfortable about certain topics can block those tags and stay safe. Tag for things like noncon, blood, flashing gifs, box boy, gore, rape, etc. When in doubt, tag it. Better to be safe than sorry.

Tagging also helps people find your content as well. For example if you make gifs, use the #whumpedit tag so people who like whump gifs and easily find you. Use the #whump tag for anything pertaining to whump.

Be kind!! There is going to be something you see that you disagree with or are uncomfortable with. That is inevitable in this community. Whump is a vary wide genre and we all like and dislike very different things. So if you see something you don't like, just keep scrolling. Block blogs if you have to, no one will be upset. Keep yourself safe by blocking tags you don't like. Just be kind and remember the age ole internet addage of Your Kink Is Not My Kink and That's Okay.

Be respectful. Not just to your fellow members of the community, but of the things you blog about. There are tropes that need to be handled with care and respect. It never hurts to do some research if you plan on writing to learn about how people who actually deal with said trope feel.

Some helpful tidbits:

We also all tend to make an introduction post when we first start our whump blogs. Just a little something to say hi and what you enjoy whumpwise and stuff like that. We like to them reblog your intro post to say hi back and that'll help with getting you introduced to the community. It's a great way to meet people.

Don't be afraid to send messages, reply to people's posts, or go through a blogs entire archive reblogging things either! We all love that kind of interaction! And everyone is super friendly in this community.

Make sure to change your icon from the default and make your icon, your blog description, header, etc a little personalized. Make it your own. If people see default everything they tend to block the blog thinking it's a bot. Plus it's very fun to personalize the blog.

I think that's all I've got for the moment. If anyone has other advice they'd like to impart please feel free. And nonny, welcome to the community!!

[doggerell]

ai/ganbreeder ramblings below

Ive been having sooooo much fun with ganbreeder. I am not a fan of that glistening prompt based ai-- I find it ugly in a mostly uninteresting way-- but ganbreeders splicing tool is SO so fascinating. I like that it tracks the history of what images are spliced together and scrolling up the branches just to see more and more completely ai generated images is Fascinating. its ai inbreeding.. its corrupting itself. its grip on reality is ever-slipping because its only feeding itself its own mangled fingers. I think its so interesting. ai is SO scary to me so using it as a tool for horror and uncanny valley specifically is like. the ideal circumstance to me...

reading an article abt art based on ganbreeder images... Ive been thinking abt using it as a tool in my own art, through like photobashing or redrawing stuff, as a collaboration between me and the machine, but the perspective that its also collaboration with the greater ganbreeder community, with other humans as well... like duh, of course. like even in a side of the tool where-- as far as I can tell-- no ones original drawings/artworks are being used (maybe original photos have been inputted Far up the line of command. I havent been able to tell yet.) yeah the collaborate element is very much there where it promotes combination and.. breeding images so much. I think touting it as discovering images rather than creating images makes a lot of sense too. I feel so much complexity around the language of generative images.. like I dont wanna say "generative art" really cause people jump at that and theres a lot of discussion around defining art that... sometimes feels very reductive around what people consider art. but I do understand the concern as well when used in regards to ai. saying "generative content" makes me want to shoot myself though I hate the word content. personally.

anyway all of this is coming about because. Show Me An Angel is very much about ai horror. its about my fear of generative ai and the recklessness I feel the average consumer uses with it. its about what if you tried to play god and the machine decided to give you Exactly what you wanted. but its horrifying. its about a machines horrible dreams of flesh and god and divinity. its about accidentally inviting something sick and powerful into your life.

but working with ganbreeder has made it more complex because. it is sick. in a scary way but also a piteous way. like maybe Starling is hideous and powerful and terrifying but. hes also jittering weakly. and his bones are so, so thin and his limbs are too long and he Really doesnt know what his face or hands should look like or how many eyes or fingers or wings he should have and hes constantly reforming himself to try and fit the image. of what you need. because ultimately you are still in control. he is your prompt, your beast, and he may be too big for you to comprehend anymore, but you are still telling him what he needs to be. and hes sick because hes a virus, hes corrupting your computer and your life and your mind, but hes also sick because hes inbred. and the bottleneck of the unreality of him is going to kill him because he Cant exist like this. not outside the machine, not in the real world.

anyway. I dont think Ive pushed ganbreeder enough now. Im thinking abt thematic metadata. I tried to push images tagged as "dragons" and "angels" and such together to generate him because thats what I had in mind as the backbones of his design but Im thinking more now. I could do it through the genes... if I put a gene for a scorpion in there does it mean more to who he is? if I add in electric guitars and cardigans? like its a cheeky little nod back to the fact that this is Frank behind the curtains. like you dont know that unless you go into the image On ganbreeder and start splicing it yourself but... aah. its just interesting to add Intentionality and imagry to this fucking thing and youre never gonna see it. but its there. its like painting something and then painting over it again. what does it mean that its layered under there? I love abstraction and performance and process as a part of art. and again, I hesitate to call the generation itself art, because obviously this is a complex and controversial issue that I dont have all the answers to or understanding of, but somewhere, some part of this may become art

Id love to post pictures of what Ive been playing with but Im afraid Im gonna get hit with a "oh youre acting all deep and for This? cringe" *pensive* perhaps. its very interesting to me tho. making stuff for Me.

also obviously I am very inspired with ink-the-artist's work in general and esp their ai stuff and this why Im even using ganbreeder in the first place. I think they may be my favorite artist rn. I also saw a really great gallery last year by Matthew Ritchie last year that kinda blew past my kneejerk "all ai is bad" reaction. I had bigtime emotional reactions to his work. I think training a personal GAN off my own photos and art would be fucking fascinating. but its a bit too scary for me still.

I feel like such a mess in all of this because I am too anti ai for the average tech bro by being deathly afraid of it and thinking there needs to be regulations on it but also I am too pro ai for the average tumblr/twitter user by thinking its supremely fascinating as a Tool to be used by artists. ah the nuances. pls be niceys to me.

[kakumeii]

digital disappearance

while i was taking a bath, i thought about disappearing. what would happen if i just erased my entire digital footprint, receive limited interaction through imessage and email, and just… not make my presence known through a screen? i wondered if anyone would notice it right away.

ever since i was in junior high school (so that was 7th grade to 10th grade in my country), i’ve always had quiet summer breaks. my classmates were busy with their own lives, making the most of their free time before school starts again and all their freedom will be limited to weekend shenanigans. since i wasn’t necessarily talking to anyone throughout that period, i created ways for me to not get bored and waste my time. since my memory is frequently failing me, i can’t tell you much about the experiences i had when i began to make my own ways of entertainment and interaction. at that time, i was very into social media. i would spend hours scrolling and typing away on my phone, sitting in the same position on the same seat — the varnished wooden long chair we had in the living room. mom would always scold me for that habit, but to be honest, it was my only way to entertain myself.

when i hadn’t told her yet of the mental condition that i have (will not add more context to lessen the heaviness of the story), i pretty much poured it all into the fanfiction i wrote back then. yes, i have been writing fanfiction since i was twelve. until now, at eighteen (nineteen in a few months), i still do. of course grammar is a recurring issue because english isn’t my native language, but through years of practice, i was able to keep lifting myself to levels until i’d say would be fluency. but anyway, that’s not the whole point of this. to sum it up, i was just on my phone all the time. it was only when i was in senior high school (11th to 12th grade) that i finally got off my phone and did something productive. looking back, it was obviously because my school was really … demanding of time … i spent days doing school work, attending classes, and talking to different people due to academics and org work. there were lots of things going on, and i’m pretty sure that really fucked me up somehow.

it’s why thought about disappearing digitally. of course i can’t disappear all of a sudden, because i have responsibilities that i am committed to. but for the time being, while it’s still summer break and i literally have nothing else to do, i thought about disappearing for a bit. frankly, i am aware that introverts do this on the regular, but now i see the appeal of just being in your own bubble, even just for a while, because it helps you wind down and relax. i was unhealthily diligent during the school year, so i guess you could say that i was not used to doing nothing. although now that i am slowly trying to gain my peace by hiding in my cave again, it felt really nice and i somewhat wished that it could be like this forever.

i wanted to stop spending too much time on social media. albeit still using my gadgets, i only want to use it limitedly, just like what i am doing right now. what i’m doing right now still sets my digital presence, but it doesn’t fully unravel it the same way social media does. i’ll hop into apps every now and then, but not all the time. it also helps me develop skills and hobbies outside of the need to broadcast myself and whatever is happening in my life. i’m already content with having the circle i have now and the audience i’m interacting with. of course i don’t mind the people subscribing to me. kudos to you guys for reading the dumb rambles of an asian kid who’s still figuring out life but with more stress, considering that successful opportunities in my country are scarce and exclusive.

as i type down my thoughts right now, the rain is pouring really hard. the wind is like a monster revealing its power, swaying the pellet-like drops of rain. i can hear it clearly, almost deafeningly. the walls of my tiny home are thin, at least if you compare it to the tall-ceiling, well-constructed houses of my peers. the lightning looks like zeus is having a field day, or perhaps he’s pissed off. the thunder accompanying is like heaven crashing against the holograms of the sky. it’s kind of scary, you know? but i don’t find the need to flaunt it multiple times across different social media platforms and accounts, unless, well, we need to evacuate from this catastrophic experience.

my low self esteem always make me think that it won’t make a difference if i disappear at all. more likely that it is caused by the lack of consideration i had from former friends. they truly enjoyed days without me, and really showed that, well, i was just a nuisance. i accepted that. rather than fighting them and all, i decided to just move away. i’m sure there were reasons why they kind of didn’t want me around anymore, and maybe my mind was just trying to victimize myself. who even knows, right? i could have received it wrongly, or maybe that really was their intention. even then, the ship was sinking already, so i had no reason to sink with it. as they already hopped onto a different boat, so should i. this taught me that i am not entitled to be the priority of the lives of my friends, but i should also know which friend is good, and which is not. one of them was, you know, your typical high school gossipmonger who stirs up drama by exposing the secrets of people who confided in her to others. my mom never liked her from the beginning. she was the type of person who would never care if i disappeared, because if i weren’t useful to her, she wouldn’t bat an eyelash at me. she boasted the “regina george bad bitch” energy, but she really was just a bad person.

(i rambled and went off tangent, i’m sorry about that lol.)

okay so to end this, i’m just really glad that i have the confidence to lay off social media and still be entertained. my younger self will never believe me, though i’m just happy to realize that there really is life outside the internet. that place forces us to perform, and when we do, we get tired. some of us just aren’t built for continuous interaction, and maybe even my former friends had that mindset, too (although yes, watered down regina george has always been mean, and they still hang out with her because they benefit from the gossip she tells). i’ve recently downloaded threads since i have to for my art account, but even if it is necessary for me, i don’t force myself to learn the app and keep using it. most of the time, i don’t really mind how big the traction i’m receiving. i’m just happy doing what i like outside of the performative shell of social media.

you can ask yourself, “what would i do if i disappeared digitally?” then come back to me and tell me what you have reflected! thank you for your time!

[juuheizou]

Hiii~ so you're one of my favourite suzumutsu writers and i REALLY love the way tou grasp the personality of these characters and so i really trust you to answer this question,,, ive been scrolling through aot these days and i found a certain fic ab a certain ship w mustuki where they basically become parents of a baby conceived AND birthed by mutsuki(w the fic being centered on mutsuki going through postpartum... to this day I honestly don't know how to feel about that fic and this heavy doubt(and discomfort) echoes in my head as mutsuki is my favorite character: all things considered, would mustuki ever to go through a pregnancy willingly? would he ever be comfortable, what exactly are his thoughts on it and basically- do you see this scenario ever happening in any way? w juuzou or any partner?

Hi!! As much as I love to ramble about Suzuya, it's so nice to talk to someone whose favorite is Mutsuki! I often describe them both as my favorites, just my 'it me' favorite and my 'love of my life favorite, myself. I'm flattered that you would want to hear my take on an aspect of him that I can tell is kind of delicate in your eyes, and I see why it would be.

Just gonna warn you right now, hopefully morbid isn't a bad thing, and I don't think it's any worse than the rest of the series, but just in case anyone doesn't want that in their lives, this answer is kinda morbid, and mentions/implies sexual assault.

Let me just say, I totally feel your doubt, as I don't see him or Suzuya as the parenting types. In Mutsuki's case specifically, you can like children, be good with them, and want to treat them kindly without wanting your own. As much as he does like them, he also likes being able to give them back to their actual parents so he can go scour all traces of their snot/spitup/mysterious child stickiness from his body before he has a mini-breakdown. The only thing I see them having any desire to parent is cats.

Anywho, to answer your actual question, I don't see him ever conceiving willingly. For one, wanting children is a pretty important prerequisite for doing so, which is why I led with that even though it's not exactly what you asked. Even if someone else with no desire for him to co-parent was both close enough to him to know he's a trans man and desperate enough to ask him of all people to be a surrogate, it would break his heart, and he would feel horrible about not being able to stomach something that means so much to a friend of his, but not enough that he would do it. Dysphoria plus a phobia of blood that (in my headcanon world) extends to other bodily fluids, bodily trauma, and a lot of medical-type stuff do not mix with any desire to go through a pregnancy, in my opinion.

That being said, maybe, if I had to rack my brain for a scenario where even some of what you describe would happen while still being (my idea of) in character, there is exactly one way that makes a reasonable amount of sense to me. I think if he conceived against his will, during his captivity on Rushima or some other awful time caused by someone he knew was a ghoul, he would swallow his many layers of discomfort to carry an extremely rare tissue donor, knowing it would be too weak to survive long after birth, to term.

I'll be the first to say the series really went from good fantasy to bad sci-fi by the end of :re and ghoul anatomy/physiology and medicine pertaining to it (ESPECIALLY repro, hooo boy did rereading the one-eyed ghoul wiki for this ask induce some off-screen facepalming) doesn't make much sense in a lot of places, but if Kaneki's whole dragon thing led to life-saving biomedical research, I would imagine something like that would be useful? I did say this was if I had to rack my brain.

I still don't see him being at all comfortable with it. Actually, I think he would discover triggers and phobias he didn't even know he had at every turn and be pretty miserable through it all. But we're talking about someone who got into Torso's taxi all those years ago because if his hunch was right, he would save one person. Any investigator with a modicum of sense would know he isn't going to stop Torso altogether by getting in that taxi all alone at his skill level-- more likely he would just be killed too; he did it for that one person. If he would give his life to help one person, I don't think it's that much of a reach that he would give even the most harrowing nine months of his life for research that could help countless people, including Shirazu Haru and (apparently) Shinohara.

In addition to that being the kind of person Mutsuki is, I can also see him faulting himself for things he would never fault anyone else for, such as killing his captor before his captor could torture him to death. If it was after Rushima, he might struggle with a lot of guilt and feel like a murderer for doing what he had to do to survive. Add terminating a pregnancy that resulted from said torture to that guilt, and he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it, even if he knows that by no sound logic is he killing a human being. Under his circumstances, being the person he is, it would feel like he's already a murderer for saving himself from Torso and now he wants to add to the body count, and that alone is too much for him. Logic loses out and emotionally, he's torn between two options that, to him, are both unthinkable. At least something good can come of one of those unthinkable options.

You probably expect as much coming from me of all people, but I don't think he would get through it without Suzuya by his side. For one, it's not talked about much on the human side iirc, but I don't imagine that being pregnant with a hybrid doesn't endanger the parent and he would probably dismiss it as personal weakness and end up near-death at the first attempt by the tiny tissue donor to wreak havoc on the hostile environment that is his body. Suzuya, however, would reliably not let that happen. There are lots of characters in the series who have killed, but Suzuya's relationship with death is especially intimate and he's taken so many bodies apart up so close and personal, even compared to all but a handful of other characters in the series. To this day in completely unrelated situations he can feel someone might be dying in his bones and his instinct is rarely wrong.

Also just a headcanon, but I think the CCG would utilize some kind of tactical emergency medicine program, as every major operation we see is a shining example of a situation that normal EMS can't safely enter, and Mr. “Hang in there, don't die yet!” would jump SO HARD on the opportunity to have that training. It probably wasn't for the right reasons at first, but reasons don't matter so much when your wounded colleague gets to a hospital alive because of you. Or your significant other who didn't know his anemia was back with a vengeance until those symptoms he had been dismissing as mental anguish for a while gradually escalated to early signs of shock.

Apart from keeping him, you know, alive, Suzuya would be good for Mutsuki's fragile mental health during such a difficult time as well. Like I said, I think he would unearth things that he didn't even know he could have a phobia of or be dysphoric about. Even when Mutsuki is too far along for Suzuya's practical talent with a needle and thread or even his baggiest hoodie to help him hide his changing body, no one is going to stare at him long enough to form any small-minded opinion when Suzuya Juuzou is always at his side to glare back at them-- or worse. And even though the reasons are different, Suzuya knows what it's like to be made to feel like less of a man for something he never asked for, like his body isn't his, a lot of the terrible things Mutsuki is going through, and he knows how to make the turmoil a little less bad, sometimes.

Who better than the first person who really taught him to face his fears to hold his hand through every harrowing doctor's appointment and comfort him after a new discovery of the many things he could have gone his whole life not knowing he hated more than blood draws? Carrying an unwanted pregnancy that's making him suffer in every physical and mental way possible is slightly less awful with a Suzuya to hold his hair back, gently clean him up, and keep him company while he stays on the floor with his head between his knees for a while to avoid passing out when he learns that his reaction to vomit is not that different from blood. Pregnancy cravings even more terrible than rare meat --he knows what it really is he craves, but he can get temporary relief from other red meats, especially organs, and especially raw-- are slightly less revolting and terrible when he doesn't have to choke them down alone, and to Suzuya those things taste like childhood nostalgia.

Plus, even if you had no attachment or desire to raise it from the start, it is really fucking sad to watch a small, helpless living thing die in your hands and I just can't see Mutsuki shying away from that when the time comes. He probably named it just because 'the baby' felt too much like he did want what happened to him and 'the tissue donation' felt disrespectful, and he wouldn't feel right letting it spend the short time (if any time) between birth and death any other way than bundled in his arms, being treated just like a wanted baby as much as it may hurt him. Not to mention the physiological flood of oxytocin that doesn't care about any one birth parent's feelings or thought process. Having such a calm shoulder to cry on, even if that calm comes from desensitization to death, would be good for him once it's all a difficult, conflicted memory.