#i guess if ya'll would like i'd consider doing it

[indydrawsart]

Wednesday Progress Shots:

More below the cut.

Original rough sketch.

A more refined sketch; I decided I wanted it to be more like a creepy family portrait and added in her hands. I used symmetry for this one; I felt like it made it more uncanny.

Lineart. I use a rough, pencil-like brush for my linework.

I painted in some flats. I always include a little extra color/rendering on extremities to give it a little more, er… life. x) I decided the "blacks" shoulder be the same deep maroon I used for the lineart so the lines faded at this stage. However, I go in and change them to overlay, or multiply, or color burn, depending on what looks best. :)

Flats, with lineart adjusted for overlays and color.

I paint in and plan an approximation of my light source(s) in grayscale.

Shadows added in two layers. How much I used and how many layers varies from piece to piece. Whatever looks good and feels right to me.

Once I've painted in my lightsource, it's just a matter of adjusting the colors until I like how they look. I went with a sickly green, cold light for this one. It wasn't bright enough originally, so I created a new layer. I continued adding details until I was happy with it.

Then I add a layer of green set on "darken." It knocks out any whites. I tend to play around with this setting on most of my pieces just to see how things look. Another thing I do frequently (that is, when I remember), is set up a layer that allows me to check my values at a glance (basically, an all-black or -white layer set to hue or color). I can make sure I don't have too many midtones and such.

Yep. She looks good like this, too. After this, and most importantly I like to let the work "breathe." Especially if I'm unsure about it. I let it sit for a day (sometimes longer, if I've got the luxury), before returning to it.

The left was what I had. Sure, she looked okay, but I decided some things were missing, and her hair was way too light to be Wednesday's sharp black. Originally when I saw the piece in my head, I planned my light source from directly above. As the piece developed it came more from the side. So I added a little shadow to her face, too. And yet, we are still not done. Umm. I like adjustment layers. I like adding a flash of unpredictability to my art. Keeps me from being too nitpicky, and forces me not to get too stuck with one version of a thing. I'm bad about things like that.

So… I smack on some curves, or adjust color balance. Sometimes I just put layers with different colors over them. In the end, though, I always add some noise, chromatic aberration, and sharpen.

…and let's not forget to sign it, either. Heh. I usually add a simple square with my real initials in it, as well as one (if not more) of my social media platforms. Anymore that tends to be my tumblr because I've taken a fancy to this place.

So. Yeah. A walkthrough my process that you never asked for and I didn't really plan, so there aren't any pictures of tools or anything. Umm. Questions from the class? x)

The final result:

[island-ofthelost]

My Actual opinion on Five's sexuality

I've gotten into many a fight in my ask box about this, but I don’t think that I've ever shared my opinion in depth, so here I go *mentally prepares for war*

I do not think Five is 100%, completely aroace. For some reason, whenever I say this people take it as me saying that I think he's 100% allo, which has gotten me hate from one side and weird praise from the other for giving them "permission" to sexualize Five.

I find it hard to believe that these supposed members of the ace community (although I doubt all of them are) seem to be allergic to nuance and considering other identities when it comes to headcanoning aroace characters, it isn't all or nothing, so to speak.

That being said, I think Five is gray/demiromantic and asexual. The reason I think this is because Five clearly felt genuine romantic love for Dolores, but I don't think he would feel that way about anyone else, at least not anytime soon, and I don't think sex was ever part of it, he never wanted it to be, and the way his age/body disconnect is it would be weird in any situation, but I don't think he would be interested regardless.

I think a lot of people in the fandom like to headcanon Five as completely aroace because the thing with Dolores "was a trauma response" or "was psychological" or "wasn't really romantic love" and these have some merit because it's obviously open to interpretation, but my qualm is that I think some people don't actually believe this and just say that because the whole situation is yes, frankly, very weird. But I think either way it invalidates the feelings of this character to serve a headcanon.

But what's worse is people ignoring Dolores all together because "it's icky", and don't even bat an eye at Luther and Allison or any of the other wild things with romance going on in this show.

And if anyone thinks that I'm speaking over anybody and this should be within the ace community, I am on both the aromantic and asexual spectrums. I rarely share that on public posts because I haven't found an exact label and I am frankly not the most comfortable with it, so consider this a coming out I guess?

Idk, I hope ya'll enjoyed my yapfest/impromptu essay, and if anyone's interested in me making a longer, more in depth, and well researched essay (mayhaps in video format if I'm able), I'd be down.

(I am also praying to the tumblr gods that I will not wake up with a billion notifications having started a war)

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Agitation 3.10 Live Reactions

(This is me, writing reactions as I read, because why the fuck not. They're not complete, mature thoughts taken after I sit back and evaluate what I've read. Consider them as such)

It's July 4th, work is dead, I've got nothing else to do, let's try to plow through a bunch of these, shall we? At the rate I've been going I'll be at this all year.

The rest of the battlefield was chaos.  Patches of darkness covered everything, and the landscape was distorted.  In some of the areas Vista had warped, the rain wasn’t falling in a straight line.  One spot in particular had the rain moving horizontally before it dropped to help fill a massive puddle thirty feet across, where her power had made an indent in the ground.

I do like Wildow's attention to detail here, and the way these powers just... absolutely fuck everything up like this, and stay like that.

Bitch screamed, and it was a long and primal noise, filled with rage.  I was still inside the bank, watching things unfold through the window, barely able to hear it, and it still made my skin crawl.  So he’d shot the dangerous psychopath with a blast that made her angry.  Someone would have to explain that one to me at a later date.

I'd guess Gallant didn't shoot her with rage, it's just that Rachel's kind of messed up. But I could be wrong.

Seems an odd choice though, if he did.

Apparently that was order enough, because Judas charged at the teenager that was dressed like a science fiction Lancelot.

I love descriptions like this because they both tell us absolutely nothing about how it looks... and also tell us everything. I once read a fic that described the armor of a guy from a culture that went from medieval tech to space travel in like, 100 years (sorta, long story) as being 'Lord of the Rings, with Sci-Fi bolted on' (the POV character was from Earth), and it both told us nothing, and yet, told us everything.

Descriptions are hard, ya'll. Worst part of writing. Props to Wildbow.

Was someone’s power at work, giving me a headache?  There wasn’t anyone in the Wards, I was pretty sure, who could mess with your head like that.  Gallant could mess with your emotions, but he had to hit you with a light blast to do it.  The person on the roof, then?  I was fairly confident there wasn’t anyone in the Protectorate or New Wave who could affect me like this.

No one suspects the healer!

(also no one knows the healer can do this, but)

.  A gun, no less than fifteen feet long, with a barrel three or four feet across, all turret mounted on a circular platform not unlike the board he was riding.

I know technically there is no overkill, just "Open fire" and "I need to reload" but also...

Overkill.

I jumped for cover the moment I realized what he was doing.  There was a muffled sound, more a very large person someone hitting a punching bag than what I’d expect a laser cannon to sound like, and the window exploded. What was he doing?  We had hostages inside.  I turned to check, and saw there weren’t any hostages near me.  Did he know that?  Heat sensors in his visor?  Was someone watching me through the cameras and passing him info?  Damn it!  There was too much I didn’t know, and Tattletale wasn’t around to fill me in.

You know, if Kid Win and Victoria were dating, he could be the Collateral Damage Ken to her Collateral Damage Barbie.

But JESUS Kid, what the fuck?

(Yes, CDB is an incomplete representation of Vicky, but she does earn the nickname fairly at the early stages. I'm also going to assume it's an unfair representation of Kid Win, but still, *Man* wtf?)

The bugs were slow to react, slow to move and some were slipping from my grasp, returning to their instinctive behavior.  Making matters worse, I wasn’t blind to the fact that every time I gave a command, my headache got exponentially worse.

Given that Amy's little messing with the Black Widows only affected them, I'm surprised? Or is this just some sort of Master headache? Is she doing more with the swarm than usual?

 Aegis didn’t try to run this time.  He stood his ground and reached for his utility belt.  He retrieved something that looked like a miniature fire extinguisher. Then he pulled the pin. For the second time in a matter of minutes, I dove away from the window.  It wouldn’t be a grenade, but the option that made the most sense-  I squeezed my eyes shut and covered my ears just in time.  The explosion the flashbang grenade

Flashbang. Much more responsible, Aegis usually is in fic, so presumably in canon too. Tracks.

and Regent was striding out of the darkness, in Kid Win’s direction.

With his outfit and mask that actually probably looks kinda badass.

I whirled to face the voice, and saw the freckled, brown haired hostage that had been glaring at me when we’d first taken control of the bank lobby.  After that, I saw only stars as she slammed something large and blunt into the side of my head.

AMY! :rofl: Finally!

Okay, so like, I get that Amy's not the MC of Worm, but like, I've been waiting for the Fire Extinguisher smash the entire time I've been reading this Arc, so bear with me.

Amy's blorbo, okay?

[annymation]

I reread the backstory of the villains and at the end you mentioned that Amaya is Persephone and Magnifico is Hades (from Disney). I was wondering which of the ancient Greek gods (or other characters from Greek mythology) do you associate Asha and Aster with?

So I kept looking for greek love stories with happy endings... And as ya'll can imagine that's a pointless endeavor, most are tragedies, and the few happy ones we do have don't fit with Asha and Aster.

So instead I decided to just pick greek characters that remind me of Asha and Aster, regardless of who those loved.

I'd say Asha reminds me most to Medea

Now hear me out, I know what you're thinking (If you're familiar with her myth)

"But Anny! Medea killed people!"

Yeah yeah I know, that's not what gives me Asha vibes in her, quick summary for those who don't know:

Medea was a princess, that fell in love with a "hero" named Jason

(She only fell in love with him because Hera made her fall in love with him, so she would help him survive the many trials her father was putting him through, Jason was like Hera's champion, that's why she gave him this lil intervention)

So Jason took Medea home with him, after she literally saved his life, and they had two kids together. But later, Jason decided he wanted to marry another princess, like, one still in power instead of Medea that was a run away princess.

Medea obviously got furious that her husband would marry someone else just for the perks. But she didn't just sit down and took it like many other maidens in greek mythology would, nuh-uh, she started plotting her revenge.

She elaborated a plan to kill both their kids and Jason's new girlfriend, through clever scheming and also potions- because did I mention she makes potions? Yeah turns out Medea was also a big inspiration for me when writing Amaya, she's kinda my favorite girl in greek mythology.

So WHY does she reminds me of Asha? Well simple, Asha stood up against injustice and did everything she possibly could to outwit the villains and had plenty of moments where her quick thinking saved her by a hair (Flashback to the climax of Kingdom of Wishes). Asha plans things out and speaks her mind, she and Medea are both strong, not physically, but in their wit.

I guess I could also compare her to Ariadne since she was also clever by helping Theseus escape the minotaur labyrinth, buuuuut Ariadne isn't as cool as Medea, like come on, at the end of the classical stage play she RIDES HELIOS FLYING CHARIOT LIKE A FREAKIN GODDESS JUST TO TAUNT JASON!!! SAYING SHE TOOK EVERYTHING FROM HIM!!! THEN SHE PROPHESIZES HE'LL DIE ALONE!!!! AND THAT THE GODS ARE ON HER SIDE!!! BECAUSE HES A LYING LIL OATH BREAKER!!!

Anyway, it gives me the vibes of Asha flying on her hand drawn flying carpet to defeat Magnifico and Amaya, and then saying "No one believes your lies anymore" while they're being turned into stone, she's just a badass like that.

As for Aster, maybe it's the Epic: The Musical fan in me talking, but eh, Odyseus.

Simply because I can totally see Aster going through hell and back to find Asha, the same way Odyseus did for Penelope, and also because I can see him being dumb enough to give his full name and address to a cyclops he just blinded. But as more and more shenanigans happen (And by that I mean most of his army freaking dying) he becomes more willing to be more ruthless for the sake of his men that are left and so they can go back home, similar to how Aster matured and even got a lil sadistic in the end there when he decided to turn the villains into stone.

Alternatively, I could also let the Hadestown fan in me win and say he reminds me of Orpheus, but that makes me too sad, considering what happens to Orpheus and Eurydice in the end. Let's say if you cut Orpheus turning to look back, yeah that relationship is very Aster and Asha vibes.

@superkooku you like greek mythology right? Do you have other ideas?

[uncxntrxllable]

@wexarethewalkingxdead sent:

general questions - //what got you interested in roleplaying? //what do you consider your strengths as a writer? //what would you like to improve on as a writer?

original character writers - //is there a specific character archetype you enjoy writing the most? //is there a specific character archetype you find difficult to write? //how many ocs do you have? //what do you enjoy the most about creating ocs? //what do you find the most difficult about creating ocs?

what got you interested in roleplaying? I think... My sister? I feel like I remember my older sister introducing me to it, but then once I got into it, I loved it so much that just being part of it is what kept my interest all these years. I have always loved the escape from reality, because reality sucks, man.

what do you consider your strengths as a writer? Oop, forcing me to compliment myself how dare thee 😂 but in all seriousness, maybe, I guess, I always try to remember to go back and re-read my partner's previous replies so I don't contradict myself when I am making a reply. Sometimes this means going back a few previous replies. I don't like to contradict myself in my replies. If they're sitting on the couch, I don't want to randomly write them standing without them first getting up off the couch. If ya know what I mean!

what would you like to improve on as a writer? My communication. Now, it's definitely improved a ton since I was last on tumblr. I only came back here... Last year? In 2022. But I still need work in that department. My autism and adhd really makes proper communication such a massive challenge for me, and it's even harder when I have a tendency to read way too much into a message to the point that I end up believing the person is bored with me, doesn't wanna chat, is upset or mad and that I'm just a bother. The worst part about it is being consciously aware that this way of thinking is ridiculous and likely not true, yet being almost entirely powerless to not believe it with ever fiber of my being 🥴 but I do hope to improve my communication skills. especially when it comes to discussing like, super random shit like, ships? the dilemma of wanting ships and having 0 confidence to ever approach anybody for it lmaooo

is there a specific character archetype you enjoy writing the most? Soooo I had to google what "character archetype" even means, so bear with me here as I attempt to go by what google explained... Google used "hero" as an example, so uh, I'm going with the opposite of that. I like dark characters, I love morally grey characters who can tip the scale between being "good" and "bad. I love the type of character that the show tells you is supposed to be a villain, but you end up rooting for them instead of the "hero" of the show. And of course, a good back-story that explains why they are the way that they are, you know? They're not "bad" just because they woke up and chose evil. Although I ain't gonna lie, I do love my dark characters, so I'd enjoy that too! Which is kinda hilarious, because I as the mun, am the opposite of dark in real life. I require rainbows and unicorns every hour of the day or I'll cry thank you. But my characters have to be dark, k thanks. Remember, people, mun does not equal muse!

is there a specific character archetype you find difficult to write? Heroes, goody-two-shoes. A character that strictly follows all the rules and won't deviate, the strict "good guy." I just don't like characters like that, and oftentimes, the heroes in those superhero movies piss me off because listen up people, some of those super powered evil dudes ya'll be fightin' should be dead man because guess what happens when they ain't? They become the main supervillain for like 10 seasons of the damn show like COME ON man quit with the "the good guys can't kill" come on bro. The supervillain constantly escaping is the REASON your dang city is constantly in ruin everybody dyin' and shit. I mean, I can't be the only one who feels this way... Anyways. Yeah. Oof. Sorry.

how many ocs do you have? I have 17 original characters at the moment and I am kinda hoping to keep it there. Which is, basically everyone I have on this blog. If I were to make a new one, I think I'd have to retire some muses off this blog before I'd allow myself to write them. But I am happy with who I have. Everyone you see on this blog, are all the muses I have! Some are old muses that I have revamped... Nevaeh, Jamie & Aiden, Rex. Alpha is a muse I began making a few years ago and never finished until roughly, last year? Rex literally used to be a dinosaur dragon hybrid and a female.

what do you enjoy the most about creating ocs? The creativity. I love watching the supernatural creatures in tv shows and movies, and creating OCs gives me the opportunity to create a supernatural creature of my own creation to explore things that are not seen on tv! I love my spirit shapers, and I love the concepts I've put into Lakota and Lorelei, being able to create something that is entirely MY idea, my creation, that nobody else has ever come up with, really really means a lot to me. I just love having the freedom to come up with anything I want!

what do you find the most difficult about creating ocs? I like to have faceclaims with my muses, as I believe most people do. I find it difficult to find a FC that suits the muse. I don't pick FCs willy nilly, the face MUST match the vibe for the muse. They must be suitable. I need to be able to look at the face and be like, now THAT'S *insert name of muse.* Not just ANY face can portray my muse, and once I've chosen a FC, changing it — personally — would be like casting a brand new actor for the main character in your favorite tv show. Ya know what I mean?

Aside from that, their details. I put a lot of details into my OCs. I mean, I go a little overboard... My google slides are insane, but I just can't help it. I need the detail for myself if nothing else. I do my best to write out as much as I possibly can, and even then I could probably still improve BUT, compared to how I use to create OCs, I have gotten better at making characters. The hardest part is the back-story, coming up with something unique each time and avoiding any recycling of ideas from other muses.

And lastly... Portraying each muse in a way that they are their own person. Giving them their own unique personality, attitude, whatever, all that stuff that makes them who they are. I always worry that all my muses may sound the same or act the same.

[hypostatic-oath]

I can see it depending on personalities and on the characters themselves tbh. It's an interesting thing about hsr - they have different perspectives on the Aeons (Yaoshi my controversial beloved) and other entities based on cultural and personal experiences and that is actually shown. Since hsr characters are familiar with videogames, though, it is easier for them to grasp the concept of what is actually going on. It is possible that some may see you as a sort of Aeon or spirit, some seriously and others for the meme (*cough* the trailblazer *cough*).

The first thought that comes to mind is that Silver Wolf has immediately gained a kindred spirit. Someone who also understands that the world is a game? Finally!

She'd 100% be the most talkative and the most nonchalant. Reality is a game, of course there's people playing. And if they happen to be chill, well, she's more than happy to lend a hand. Befriend your local Silver Wolf, y'all. She's onto you. Idk enough stellaron hunter lore to know whether she'd share it with the others, but this girl would know what's up.

The Trailblazer now uses you as an excuse for anything. Dan Heng and March wonder what the Trailblazer keeps looking for in the belobog dumpsters? Not their fault, it's definitely you who insists on investigating. They put their feet up on the couch and Pompom is panicking? You made them do it. They keep flirting with everyone? Clearly, your doing. They introduced themselves as something super dramatic and largely innacurate? Guess who's to blame. "The devil made me do it but I also kinda wanted to" vibes from them. Like yes, those are things they would've been naturally inclined to do or say... but it was totally, definitely the MyStErIoUs SpAcE bEiNg that made them do it. They will 100% think you're the Stellaron that is inside them at first. (I love the fact that we can just. Fuel the trailblazer's dumbass energy. Like hell yes eat garbage for the achievement. We're basically their intrusive thoughts at this point and we are winning.)

If you end up being considered an Aeon, oh boy. Prepare for the weirdest Simulated Universe encounter. Imagine pulling up to one of the worlds and

If that is the case, Herta is most likely smug about the fact that you get her for free, because essentially she gets unlimited access regardless of whether you pulled her or not. I wonder which type of blessings ya'll's Paths would have...

Idk enough stellaron hunter lore to base this on more than "sounds cool idk" BUT. Keeping in line with my interpretation of sagau, I'm gonna say that the player as an Aeon would be considered the kind of entity responsible for making events come to pass. (If you don't play the game, Kafka doesn't put the stellaron in the Trailblazer's body, no one defends the Herta Space Station from the Antimatter Legion, Bronya never discovers the truth, etcetera that I will not list to not spoil the game for anyone). This ties in with the whole "slave of destiny" thing Elio has. One of the player's Aeon titles could very well be "Bringer of Destiny" or "The Fate Enforcer" (kinda like Yaoshi is seen as "The Plagues Author" and Lan is "The Reignbow Arbiter"). Either way, the Stellaron Hunters are rocking with us for now. Silver Wolf knows the truth, Kafka is the first person we meet and the first person we help/guide/control in the game...

The Xianzhou's Divination Commission classifies the Aeons into three groups: "The Arbiters," who determine mortal births and deaths, and are highly connected to the rise and fall of civilizations, "The Sacrosancts," who are difficult to predict as good or evil, and "The Authors of Calamity," who are seen as the main culprits behind all disaster. With this in mind, I'd wager that you would fall somewhere along the Sacrosancts, but one can never be sure. After all, who's to say that the disruptive arrival of a force that sets catastrophe in motion just by existing wouldn't be immediately placed among the last group? I do believe that it'd depend on the way each of us as players interacts with the world.

sum thoughts about sahsrau, like would they hate your guts for stuff, idk or would they think of you as an Aeon?? It probably depends on your personalities or smth like that :P

[whitestaghere]

Not your fault - Levi x reader

Just felt like it had been a while and came up with this. Hope ya'll enjoy reading!❤️

Warnings: none really. Mentions of death. Angst and a dash of fluff at the end.

Saying I was scared was an understatement. No, I was shook to the very brink of my existence. I hadn't expected it to be so nerve wracking as it was, now that I had finally joined the scout regiment.

I had expected this of course.

Who wouldn't? Specially when they were proned to fighting naked humans as tall as trees running at you like they were on their morning caffeine rush.

What was even worse was when the stoic captain of the special operations squad decides to pick you to be part of his squad. "I appreciate your skills," he said.

Well I guess there wasn't really much to fuss about that apart from the new mission we were setting up for and our very special rivalry.

Today, everything had gone smooth until that female titan had decided to come waltzing in.

She had managed to wipe out all of Levi squad and I felt my blood boil. My mind was in a blur, filled with thoughts of nothing but blood lust. Just from her.

Eren's screams played at the back of my mind and even as I caught sight of him shooting towards where I was, I couldn't find it in me to stop him.

As cruel as it sounded- I wanted her to feel the pain as I did.

I glanced down at Petra's body. The eyes that always greeted me with brightness were now looking at me blankly. Tasting the saltiness from the tears that streamed down my face unbeknownst to me- my cool demeanor finally broke. Snapping out of my trance I pushed myself off the branch I stood upon.

Shooting my hooks into the skin of the female titans shoulder, I zipped through the air screaming in anguish. I swung my blades over my head, aiming for the hand that covered her nape. If I could just cut through her wrist-

Just as planned, my blades sunk into the flesh of her wrist. Deep, but not deep enough.

If only I hadn't been distracted and just pushed away right then..

Her large hand came in contact with my body, swatting me off like as if I were some insect. Which in her case, I probably looked it. With a pained yelp, I was being thrown through the air.

"Y/N!" Eren.

My eyes shot open just when a bolt of lightning struck through the air. Ah.

I realised what was happening.

I tried to aim my grappling hooks at one of the trees before I probably fell to my death or by the slightest chances, fell straight into a titans mouth. But everything was in a blur and with the way the titan hit me, I couldn't quite direct my focus onto one thing. And before you know it, I had already inched closer to the ground, crashing straight into a tree. I doubled forward and my body slid down against the rough surface.

Cursing inwardly, I glanced down at my body; my lower half, sprawled out on the ground as I slumped against the tree.

I wanted to move, to assist Eren - but my body refused to respond. I couldn't budge and for a moment, I hoped I had died through impact because the thoughts that ran through my head were killing me.

My body felt limp almost like as if I was paralysed. I fought to keep my eyes open. The ground beneath me shook and my ears were filled with the sound of Eren's titan screaming. And with that, black filled my vision.

>>present<<

My body shot up at once and I winced at the sudden pain that shot through my body.

"You're awake."

That voice.

I snapped my head to my right and I was greeted by those steel eyes that belonged to none other than the captain. I had this urge to shrink and disappear out of existence under his icy gaze and-

Wait.

I was alive? Or no wait. Good Gods, please don't tell me he died too!

Without thinking, my hand shot out to grab his arm that was crossed over his chest. This took him by surprise and his eyes shifted between me and my hand with a hint of annoyance laced in his features. His body had tensed under my hold and I immediately pulled away with a gasp.

"I-I'm sorry sir. I just-"

"I found you not too far from the rest of the squad," he cut me off. My head lowered at the mention of the others. "I didn't think you were alive considering the amount of blood you lost. But that's when you coughed, splattering all your substances at me and well- you know the rest."

I didn't know what to say. Even if I did, I didn't have it in me to speak or make a snarky remark like I usually did. The thought of my fallen comrades made me sick to the stomach. But I couldn't cry either.

No. Just not with him here.

You remember how I said we had a special rivalry going on between us? Yeah.

Ever since Levi had asked me to join his squad- we'd always been at eachother's throats. Which I didn't quite expect considering how he picked me.

He'd say something sarcastic, I'd snap back at him and vice versa. It eventually came to the point that commander Erwin had to walk in one time, suggesting Levi that it would be best if I were switched to Mike's squad. But Levi had simply walked out of the room.

Just like that, Erwin asked me to make the choice and I said no. Why you ask?

I wanted Levi to accept me.

I couldn't even remember what started this rivalry to begin with and it was eating at me constantly. I had never seen him snap at people as easily as he did with me. Well he did occasionally, but this was on a daily basis and it made no sense at all.

Hanji said it was just his nature and that I'd understand him later. I realised that was she said was just ridiculous because this man, he didn't even dare to show me a little bit of respect. So I decided I'd leave him be and put up a mask whenever he'd target me but that's when things got worse. He always found reasons to argue with me and I caught up with it too.

Breaking down in front of him wasn't an option now.

Levi's chair scraped against the floor signalling that he was probably leaving.

"Thank you," I said quickly, making him stop in his tracks. I'd never said that to him before. But since he saved me, it was only right that I did.

His head turned around halfway and he eyed me narrowly. "For saving me," I finished. He clicked his tongue in response and left the room, shutting the door a little louder than I expected.

Cue the breakdown.

I flopped myself back on the bed. Grabbing the pillow that supported my head, I hugged it tightly as I screamed into it.

The tears didn't stop.

I couldn't save my comrades. Why did the captain even decide to pick me in the first place if I couldn't save my own comrades?

It was getting harder to breathe with my face stuffed in the pillow and the choked up tears didn't make it any easier. I felt so pathetic. But no matter how much I tried, it wouldn't stop. The guilt and hatred just kept coming back to me.

It felt like I had been crying for hours already as my body spasmed, signalling the next fresh batch of tears approaching.

The sound of the door opening and closing again made my body freeze.

I peeped up from my pillow and regretted it instantly seeing the captain standing at the foot of my bed, holding two cups in his hands. His eyes locked with mine again.

Maybe it was me just seeing things but his eyes widened and very slowly, he made his way upto the side of my bed.

"I brought you some tea," he said stoically. "Drink it before it gets cold."

I subtly wiped my eyes against the pillow and sat myself up on the bed like as if I hadn't been crying my eyes out just a few moments ago.

Avoiding eye contact, I thanked him silently and took the cup from his hand. Even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his gaze lingering on my face. Feeling too self conscious, I brought the cup up to my mouth only to wince as I burned my tongue. A weird sound came from me and I slapped my hand over my mouth.

"Tch. Be careful idiot. I didn't ask you to drink it that fast," Levi scolded. I face palmed inwardly, brushing it off with a sheepish grin. He cocked a brow and shifted his gaze outside the window.

Silence.

I didn't mind the silence, but with him sitting right there, it felt like my nerves were dancing. If that was even possible.

Eyeing him subtly, I noticed how his gaze seemed distant, longing. And that's when I realised. I was being selfish.

I wasn't the only one who had lost my comrades.

"C-captain-"

"Levi."

I tilted my head in confusion and nodded right after catching what he had meant. "Levi. I-I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For everything."

"Be specific." I gulped. So he wanted a full on confession. Here it goes.

"Well for being.. for being a brat." He raised his brows and turned to look at me. I shifted my gaze to the floor at once, finding it easier to speak calmly that way.

"That wasn't a joke, I promise. I was being selfish. I didn't know how much pressure I might have been putting on you by always being snarky and uncooperative. And now too.. I was considering my own feelings without thinking about how you felt. I just- didn't understand why you hate me so much."

"I don't hate you," he said abruptly. I looked at him slowly but reluctantly.

"I-" he ran a hand through his hair, releasing a frustrated sigh. "I don't hate you. I was just worried."

"Worried?" I asked.

"Worried you'd end up like this. Or by the least, end up dead."

Ouch.

"You doubted my skills.. yet you picked me to be a part of your squad. I don't get it," I mumbled.

"Idiot. It's not like that," he barked. "I recall saying I respected your skills. I really do. It's just that you can be reckless at times."

I gasped in disbelief.

"Reckless?"

"Yes. Reckless."

"How could you-" he raised a brow and eyed my position on the bed. I followed his gaze and it dawned on me. Half of my body was wrapped in bandages and my arm was in a cast.

Yeah. Reckless.

"I had no doubt in your skills, keep that in mind brat. I picked you for my squad because I knew you'd be a good addition to it and-" He paused, looking like as if he were in thought before continuing.

"It was easier to keep an eye on you this way."

I shut my eyes tightly, guilt flooding through my veins little by little.

"But I failed." My eyes shot open hearing this.

"I failed you and I failed my squad."

"Levi-"

"No y/n. There's no denying it," he said. I noticed how his voice was beginning to shake and that just made my heart ache. I had never seen him this way. "I told you that I added you to keep an eye on you and look at you now. Even worse, I failed to protect the rest of my squad."

"Levi," I said softly. "You know, if I ever end up dying out there- I'd never blame you. I'd never say you failed to protect me. But what I would want you to do, is to give our sacrifices meaning. We devoted our lives. We chose to go down this path knowing the circumstances. Knowing that someday there could be a chance we wouldn't come back home. So just know, this is not your fault and they don't blame you either. Even if it is, we must make their sacrifices worth something."

Levi stared intently at me but this time, I didn't feel like shrinking away. I wanted the man in front of me to have reason to fight, to know he wasn't to blame. And that all of this- we were facing all of this together.

He didn't say a word. I didn't expect him to either and I didn't mind it.

His gaze was everywhere and for a second when his eyes met mine, I couldn't help my urge and slowly yet hesitantly- reached out for him.

"May I?" I asked.

He tilted his head, confused by what I was asking permission for. I opened my arms slightly for him and after a short while, he shockingly leaned in slowly (not before shifting awkwardly in his seat though). Wrapping one arm around his shoulders and one hand on his nape, I pulled him into my embrace gently.

I felt his fingers trace over my clothes slightly like as if he were contemplating what to do. After a few seconds, his body completely relaxed in my arms and I felt his hands slowly snake around my waist.

"It's okay Levi," I whispered and rubbed his back in attempt to comfort him. He tucked his head into the crook of my neck. That made a soft smile crawl up my face.

This man was a fighter but he was also human. A human with feelings no matter how stoic he could be. Hanji was right.

>>Third person's pov<<

It was at that moment, that a new friendship began to blossom between the two. A spark of hope and a reason to fight in their dark world.

Okay phew.

That came out a lot more angsty than I thought it would be haha. But I hope you all enjoyed reading it and have a wonderful day/night!❤️

[pinkportrait]

No matter what they deem canon or not in the end of h o t d

This show brought me out of a lifelong severe depression.

I have now pretty much been stable for since? Episode 3?

I no longer dream of death every day. I no longer dread every single day because it means more pain.

Does this mean I'm cured and everything will be fine always? No! But the friends I have made are invaluable. And the struggle will continue. I have a lot that needs sorting in my life but now I have some strength to start to do it.

I hope that long after this is over and gone I can still maintain. But it isn't just the show it was also the sense of community. People were having the same in depth takes I was. They were excited about it!

I'm having a lot of firsts in my life right now. And even if the show were to end sooner than expected I would still have the resiliency to make my own or find my own things that make me light up. I feel like I can fully embrace things. Even fanfictions ya'll got me reading au's

I hate au's!

But I guess I don't! Idk what sort of crack they put in this show and fandom. But I legitimately think it has saved my quality of life. For my life, for 29 years! I had one respite with one of my Guinea pigs but she was always sick. I got a taste of happiness...

But this has been Stability. I've already had days where I might relapse a little and I am much better equipped to deal. And actually more people actually fucking care.

I'm not going to tag the fandom but thank you all for being in the same crackhead energy as me. Making me laugh and cry. And inviting me into your spaces.

I am seeing things in my life for the first time with real clarity and once again attempting to navigate areas I've no expirience with. I've been standing up for myself more. It's all been up side. I hope I won't feeling like shit again but based off of the data here it seems like there's more than enough to keep my brain in stable spot for a while. Wish I could explain but basically never say never but I think this is a permanent change.

When people ask me how are you. I say "actually I'm doing pretty good today thanks!" and mean it! I had a rough day today but I'd still say it was pretty good.

I hope to continue making my small contributions to the fandom and I will consider the d a e m y r a podcast and will be talking with some people before next episode.

And to those who follow me for other stuff don't worry h o t d has an off season coming and it looks like we're looking at 2024 for a release because they're filming in spring next year.

Anyways thank you to everyone.

[uniasus]

Meeting the Timekeepers! Meeting the Timekeepers!

Birth A Star ch 6 ya'll. The scene I never thought I'd write. I honestly thought The Handler would make the offer to join and that'd be that. But noooooo. References are needed.

-----------

She’s dressed in her new clothes, still enjoying the fact the barista called her ‘kid’ instead of ‘miss’. She feels like a new person with each new interaction. Little Number Seven, Vanya Hargreeves, fading into the past one second at a time. She doesn’t mind. Her life sucked. And now, she wants to make it better.  

She’s still not sure joining the Timekeepers is the way to do it. Ms Hardy is too like Reginald, and what’s the difference between what her siblings do and what these missions would be? If it was a one-time mission to take down her father, Vanya would consider it. He has done horrible things to her, and this morning she is full of rage even as she’s full of happy discovery.  

She has powers. Some people have thought she is a boy. She’s not weak. She can live life by her own rules.  

Vanya’s watching the door, and just before noon a group of girls walk in. They’re all laughing, a small Indian girl pointing a finger at a pale, dark haired girl walking before her. The tallest of the group is an Asian teen wearing sunglasses, but Vanya can see the scars under them so she guesses they're not just for fashion. A honey-haired brunette places a hand on the Indian girl’s shoulder, whose shoulders immediately drop. The last girl, who looks biracial with a shockingly bright blue pixie cut, rolls her eyes and heads toward and empty booth.  

They’re not dressed in a uniform. They’re all sixteen. Or at least Vanya assumes, considering they time travel. But Ms. Hardy said they’re all born on the same day. They all have power. They’re all sisters, in the way that Vanya and Allison are.  

Birtukan, like Vanya asked, is not there and a sense of relief washes over her.  There is no one where who can manipulate how she feels, or how the others will feel. This meeting is exactly as Vanya wanted – an honest evaluation. 

Ms. Hardy acknowledge her request. Ms. Hardy listened to her. Ms. Hardy gave her control. 

[keep-on-trying]

For those interested, I'm doing the #CountdownToTropicalRouge challenge on twitter atm (felt easier than tumblr somehow, haha), so if ya'll would like, you can check my daily tweets for it here:

I guess I could copy my tweets and make them into tumblr posts under the tag as well. But oh well :D

[werevulvi]

Although I'm not too proud to admit I'm really just "too attached to male approval" to seek female separatism (as a bisexual who won't go febfem) I still approve of female separatism for any female who want/need that. And like... isn't that enough? I think it should be. Like I'm supportive and I'd even help out. Asking me to also stop living my life the way I find to be fulfilling, would be asking for too much. And belittling me for making the choice that I do, for myself only, is frankly out of line.

Since I started leaning more radfem, yet realising I still really badly want dick, I have increased my standards for men, and would no longer settle for some dusty piss rat of a man who won't respect me and my boundaries. I have some demands. I've also learned a lot of red flags to look out for, by experience. I don't care more about men than I do about other women. I care equally. Funny that wasn't an option...

I don't like treating individual men (or women, for that matter) as a generalised stereotype. I also don't like the implication that just because vast majority of men are abusive, etc, I can't possibly find one who isn't. I don't even think all that many (percentually) men are abusive. I guess I really don't vibe with that collectivism aspect of radfem. Some of ya'll be treating people like statistics. Sure, some collectivism is important to consider in politics, but when it entirely forgets that we are all individuals who rarely even fit a stereotype or statistic, which goes for both het/bi women and the men who date them... you've lost me. But I digress.

My goal would be to keep as many women as safe as possible, and decrease the power men have over us - not control women against their will and desires. Even controlling someone for their own safety is iffy as fuck. Of course het and bi women should be careful when dating men, and be informed of the risks, etc, but from then on, it should be up to them what they'll do with that info.

A woman simply dating a man is not necessarily harmful to feminism. There are a lot of straight radfems even. Even if you don't think they contribute in the dating department, I'm sure they contribute to feminism in other areas of life, which also matters. Because I don't think anyone can contribute to feminism in all aspects of life, but everyone can do something.