#i guess i wouldn't be averse to that....

[timeloop-angel]

Ok. The best way i can define this thing going is that she is like my preferred study object which makes me extremely obsessed with her character to the point that I'd go far as to roleplay as her wife for 6 months max (otherwise im 100% my repulsion would kick) just so i could understand and make a physiological analysis of her

++++ there's a lot lesbian aesthetic attraction going here

[comingdownwithme]

Hi! I wanna know something about all the creeps. Do you all like hugs, or do they make you uncomfortable? What kind of physical affections do you all prefer if not hugs?

From Most to Least Comfortable with Physical Affection out of the Creepypastas I've Drawn so far, we have...

Nina is touch starved a big sucker for physical affection so I'd guess that she'd be pretty comfortable with and would be all too eager for a hug. Apart from that though, I think she'd be fine with other forms of physical affection too!

Toby wouldn't be uncomfortable with hugs since I personally see him as someone who's unconsciously touchy, though he doesn't actively seek hugs out like Nina. It really depends on what one's relationship is between him. Once he has identified someone as a non-threat, only then would Toby start being physically affectionate.

Jack doesn't mind hugs! In fact, Jack loves them! You should totally approach him! He won't take your kidney, trust! (He actually doesn't mind hugs though, and depending on one's relationship with him, he'd stop considering someone as prey/a meal)

Like Toby Jane's affection depends on her relationship with someone, though she's far more reserved and less casual with physical affection than Toby. So, uhh, not exactly uncomfortable with hugs per se, but she'd rather initiate it than be the one hugged.

Despite having a physical form, Ben is... still a ghost- Not saying he can't be hugged or held, but it's basically like hugging frigid air. He can, however, physically interact with his surroundings, so just because someone can't be physically affectionate with him doesn't mean he can't be physically affectionate with others, he just chooses not to lmao

Jeff wasn't raised in a physically affectionate household and he flip-flops between touch averse and touch starved like a metronome lmfao. You can count the amount of people who can touch him without pissing him off in one hand. He'd much prefer (or is at least used to) compliments and verbal affirmations (which he doesn't get much off anyways in the first place skdjsks)

Clockwork Doesn't like being touched for obvious reasons. She'd only be ok with physical affection if she's the one initiating it which is a rarity in and of itself. Like Jeff, non-physical affection like verbal affirmations or idk, gifts are fine

[miyukisu]

❤︎ | Kaiser picks off food on your plate sometimes... ╰ feat. michael kaiser (bllk) x gn! reader

"Tsk, you left the pickles again," he says while picking off the tiny slices of the fermented vegetable that fell out your burger and on to your plate.

You could only shrug at him. Pickles are disgusting—nothing can convince you otherwise. The slimy texture and fermented flavor makes your face scrunch every single time.

But he chews and swallows it like it doesn't bother him at all. "Why even order a burger with pickles if you're gonna remove it?"

"Because I know you like them."

But he ate just about anything. He ate pickles, mushrooms, olives, and all the vegetables you wouldn't even put on your plate. Sure, he had this weird aversion to milk, but you figured everyone has to dislike some food item—right?

Kaiser placed his fork back on his plate and leaned back in his seat. "How thoughtful of you."

A small smile appeared on his face as he tried to play it cool. Compliments like these often ended up sounding like he was being condescending (in an affectionate way, of course).

But, deep down he meant it.

He liked eating with you. It made him forget about those days when he'd eat all alone. Hell—he guesses he was lucky if he was even able to eat back in those days.

With you by his side, he never has to worry about having a warm meal or someone to eat it with.

©miyukisu do not repost/reupload/translate any of my works on other platforms

╰ author's note fluff and a lil bit of angst before the storm (kinktober) lol

[celtrist]

This was a planned thing I had around the time I had this little rant (appreciate everyone who's bothered reading that thank you!)

Seeing as we have three canonically Asexual characters, I thought each of them having a different romantic orientation (and varying asexuality on the scale) would be fun and neat to show the variations to the orientations! But I was really stumped on Mammon since I was pretty set on Alastor and Octavia, but Mammon not being any form of aromantic didn't feel right, not terribly ooc, just definitely felt a bit more like "he's the leftovers" sort of thing when divvying up the romantic orientations. But lo and behold, the new episode of Helluva came out and helped solved that little quandrie. So here are my thoughts below on each!

Alastor (Loveless Aromantic) If you've seen my rant, you probably have a good idea why I labeled him as a "loveless aromantic" (meaning in this sense I'm talking about, he just wouldn't have any form of romantic affections or go into something like a QPR or the like). And I do genuinely think he would be! But I know there's A LOT of bias for Alastor NOT being aromantic (or at least open to some sort of relationship), and I will admit I might've been a bit biased here too! I've just seen a lot of love for only specific parts of the aro spectrum that "allows" Alastor to get with someone, and I wanted to give some love to the aro spectrum that gets little to no appreciation (plus I do just genuinely think he'd be this). If you don't agree, all is fair ദ്ദി（• ˕ •マ.ᐟ The point is, I realize I'm probably in the minority here. Plus, it's all a guessing game more or less until something is officially stated, which probably will never happen for any of these three.

Anyway, like I said, I just don't see Alastor really getting as close to anyone even as a QPR. At the VERY LEAST, not in a QPR that has a lot of romantic parts to it (kissing on the lips, cuddling, etc.). My man wouldn't have any interest in marriage or anything romantic, he's very happy on his own and probably gossips about OTHER people's love lives. Then again, he seemed pretty close to cracking when he heard Charlie ranting about her own love life... With that said, I do think he DOES like the company of others, he's VERY social after all. But actually, getting intimate with someone? Mmm, that doesn't feel right for him to me. A kiss on the cheek or PERHAPS a cuddle here and there at most, but nothing like bathing with someone or kissing with tongue. He's also a man of the roaring twenties, so you KNOW how he thinks about intimacies that might have no romantic/sexual connotations by themselves (like bathing with someone) are romantic on their own just because being that close to someone was seen that way in his time. Plus again, I just don't think he'd be interested in that stuff as is (potentially he could be both touch-starved and touch-aversed. And oh boy, wouldn't that be a conundrum!) On one hand, I like and can see Alastor being sex-repulsed, on the other I can also see him just feeling nothing towards it. Considering Angel's "advances" in both the first episode and the pilot, he does have a bit of a strong reaction towards sex, but nothing crazy either. I can see him being lukewarm to the subject (so he could read a book or read a script out loud with sex in it), but he could be repulsed when it actually INVOLVES HIM. I can definitely see him somewhat annoyed with the subject for how everywhere it is though.

Octavia (QPR Aromantic) It's a little hard to pinpoint, but I can personally see Octavia getting into a close QPR sooner than Alastor, but maaayybe only be a hair. Octavia could possibly get into a platonic relationship with someone that would have remnants of seeming romantic. I do think she's probably the most sex-repulsed of the three, if in part because of her father's inclinations that he doesn't seem to hide even when she's around. Honestly, I feel like we still haven't seen enough of her to get a good grasp on this aspect of her character in if she would be interested in getting as close as to a QPR with someone. But I'd certainly like to think so, because damn does our girl need it. Her falling into some sort of relationship would probably be hard seeing as how her parents' relationship was so awful. So she could be hesitant about doing something like that.

Mammon He was the big toughy! And while his advances on Leviathan might have been meant in a more platonic way or just for show to go against Ozzy's and Bee's romantic relations, I'm going with what's there! So Mammon seems like he could be straight or bi/pan. But I don't have a hard grasp on which so I'm tossing that in the air. I don't think he'd be sex-repulsed just because of how "sex makes money". Like, there's no question that sex appeal is a big part of business even if something isn't even that sexual. So while I think he's not largely interested in doing anything sexual, I can see him being okay or even lukewarm to the subject, maybe just not getting the appeal entirely. Maaaayybe he's sex-favorable? Of the three I would imagine he would be the most likely to be sex-favorable, but I dunno.

I like the idea of Octavia being the only one aware as to what her orientations are. Alastor is... well he's Alastor, and Mammon doesn't seem like he'd be too interested in the details of things. Just that "there's straight, gay, and the between area".

[soulstutters]

Okarun had messed up. He knew that. But this was getting excessive. You guys were going against these schlong-stalking aliens and their stupid shrimp but it was starting to feel like he was your enemy.

Every time he treaded towards you in the water, you would swim in the opposite direction. You used Momo as an excuse, saying you wanted to be near her, but you were a terrible liar.

When Momo insisted you all get on Okarun's back, you were practically floating above him the whole time. He almost chalked it up to an aversion to touching skin on skin, but you stubbornly clung to Momo.

Once the whole ordeal was finished, you all found yourselves in the school nurse's office. Okarun tried to extend an olive branch, offering to help you find clothes in your size. But, again, you made the insane decision to avoid him against your better judgement. In his opinion, at least.

At this point, Okarun was really starting to get irritated. He spent several minutes listening to Momo's ticked off rant pushing him to apologize. But how was he supposed to explain if you wouldn't even look him in the eye?

So, he cornered you. Kind of.

You sigh as you reach for the handle of the door you were changing behind in the nurse's office, preparing to face Momo and the two lovebirds again. You don't really like the idea of them together, but if Aira's who Okarun's chosen, it's fine. You'll get over it. Eventually. For now, though, you're dead set on avoiding him.

You very quickly find out that Okarun is dead set on making that extremely difficult to do. As you step out in your borrows clothes, you're faced with the sight of a lone Okarun staring at you expectantly. You almost want to step backwards into the closet, but you've been trying to keep your evasion subtle.

You close the door behind you and stand there for a moment, suddenly feeling awkward. Your willpower could have you standing there across from him forever, but your legs don't have the same strength after today. Trying to make it look smooth, you stride over to the recovery couch.

Eternally persistent, Okarun moves from his chair to sit on the opposite end of the couch. You can't find it in you to spitefully move right now. Instead, you just clench the sheet under you and lean back on the wall behind you.

Okarun starts to talk. You let yourself listen, finally.

"What you saw with Miss Shiratori and I earlier is not what you think." You're tempted to get up and leave at his first words, peeved that he has the nerve to lie to you. But you'd promised Momo you'd give him a chance. And, if you're honest with yourself, you want to hear this. You don't want to believe they're really together.

"Ok," you state simply, giving Okarun the space to speak. You can tell he appreciates it, if his relieved sigh means anything.

"She came onto me. I guess she developed some weird crush on me after we helped save her. She ambushed me while I was outside-"

"But why were you avoiding me - I mean us during lunch? If you were so busy working, what were you doing outside?"

"..."

"Right." You stand up to leave, pace around, do something other than listen to Okarun lie to your face. His hand shoots out and latches on to your wrist. You glare down at him, only to be met with a pleading face. You are weak. You sit back down.

"I was training," Okarun mumbles so quietly you almost don't hear. But you do.

"Training for what? How to be someone's boyfriend?" You spit at him. You know you're being petty but he clearly thinks you're stupid.

Okarun groans loudly and throws himself back against the wall. "I was training...so I could be stronger. Like Miss Ayase's grandmother said. I have to be strong to..." He paused as if he was trying to find the right words. "To protect you." At this, he looked back at you.

"Okay." You were really stressing him out.

"Okay?"

"Okay. I believe you." Okarun beams. "But!" He deflates again. "I don't need you to protect me. What I need is for you to be honest with me. Okay?"

Okarun smiles so brightly you almost get angry at him all over again. "Okay!"

You two look at each other in silence before you hear a click. Both of your heads swing towards the door, which opens to reveal a smirking Momo.

"Are you two done with your little quarrel," she asks, mischievous eyes darting between you and Okarun.

"Yes," you both say in sync, though in completely different tones.

"Good! Now you can focus on your love for each other!" Momo starts to chuckle.

"WHAT!"

"Our What."

Momo's giggles quickly grow into cackles as she almost falls on the ground laughing. Behind her, Miko and Muko appear.

"Do you two know what's going on with her?" Okarun asks tentatively.

"Never do," sighs Miko as Muko shakes her head.

You simply sigh deeper into the couch, not noticing Okarun's adoring stare on your form.

[ghost-bison]

i became curious and searched up how the name "dalek" came to be:

at first, i thought it must have something to do with the norwegian word "dårlig", which means "bad", because of the doctor's reaction in 2x13 "doomsday" when rose said they were in bad wolf bay ("dårlig ulv stranden" if i'm not mistaken): he thought she'd said "dalek". but if you look up the pronunciation, it sounds more like /dɔːleh/ (approximate english phonetic transcription) than how she said it, /dɑːlɪg/ so i thought, even though the mix-up between "dårlig" and "dalek" was done on purpose and the definition, "bad", would be pretty damn on-the-nose, it's not it. so i did some more research.

apparently, it was terry nation (the guy who invented the daleks and davros in, i guess, 1962) who came up with it. according to him, the name simply "rolled off his typewriter", so it wasn't supposed to mean anything. but like me, he got curious and found out that the word "dalek" is serbo-croatian for "far, distant".

this really pleased me for two separate reasons: first, and this is the most obvious interpretation, the daleks are aliens from a distant world, far from earth. but i mean, to daleks or chelonians or raxacoricofallapatorians or any other alien species, the same can be said for earthlings: we are far, distant from them, and any and all species are far and distant from us.

but! if you think of the other meaning behind "distant", not geographically speaking but culturally/morally speaking, that's when things get interesting: the reason the daleks are the main foe in doctor who is that they are detached, so different from any and every other enemy the doctor and unit and torchwood and the shadow proclamation and such have ever had to fight. they keep surviving and coming back because they are so distant, so alien (in the "bizarre" sense of the word) to all other species.

if you take, for example, us humans, the doctor loves our species because of our capacity for love, forgiveness, change, compassion. you see it in the people he picks: rose, martha, then donna, etc. they represent everything he loves in a human being. everything he needs, everything he misses since his own species, which used to be capable of those feelings too, has gone.

he doesn't pick soldiers and has an aversion toward them, because as much as he pretends to hate it when his companions "wander off", he keeps choosing people whom he knows will wander off, people who will question his orders, people whom he doesn't have to feel or be superior to. whereas soldiers, they are conditioned not to question, and to follow instructions, to do as they are told.

in 1x06 "dalek", when nine realizes that the dalek's gun isn't working, he says "if you can't kill, then what are you good for, dalek? what's the point of you?". then, the dalek tells the doctor, "i am a soldier, i was bred to receive orders".

soldiers, whatever species they are, are too much like daleks: they wouldn't question him. that's why, when he realized he was the last of his species, the dalek turned to the doctor, his greatest enemy ("then what should i do?"), and then rose ("order me to die"), for orders. that's why twelve refused to keep journey blue as his traveling companion in 8x02 "into the dalek": people who don't question orders are dangerous to his lifestyle.

he needs people who go against what he says. not only that, but the doctor is, himself, a soldier of sorts, and sometimes he needs the right orders (1x06 "dalek": "what the hell are you changing into, doctor?" -rose ; "the runaway bride": "doctor, you can stop now"/"sometimes i think you need someone to stop you" -donna ; 4x02 "the fires of pompeii": "not the whole town, just save someone" -donna). else caecilius' family would have died in pompeii. else the doctor would use guns, he would die, he would try to break fixed points in time, he would lose himself.

in that sense, the daleks are as far from the doctor and his children of time as can be. i wrote about it somewhere in a one-shot someday: "the daleks weren’t robots, per se, but they kind of were, for someone like the doctor, or the humans, who both felt everything so deeply when all those monsters knew was hatred".

the daleks are to the doctor what dependence and servitude are to freedom, and in that sense, they are distant.

[mypoisonedvine]

you could do a drabble about Jonathan Crane...a continuation about a drabble that he helps his patient with his sexual health problems, but now instead of observing he participates 👀 and Reader doesn't want to but does want to 🫠 I love your content, I'm so happy you're back.💜

seems like a perfect continuation to this c: HOW did it turn out so long lmaoooo 18+ ONLY OF COURSE

length: nearly 2k

warnings: noncon/heavy dubcon, abuse of power/manipulation, medical kink, praise kink, pain kink (at least on his part lol)

"How will I know when I'm ready?" you asked hesitantly. "For... sex?"

He smiled, very very slightly, and did that annoying therapist thing where he answered your question with a question. "What do you think are signs that you're ready for that step?"

You sighed, noticing how he'd flipped it back on you (he explained before why he did that-- because his job was to guide you to personal growth rather than just tell you what to do-- but you still wished sometimes it could be more simple) and tried to think about how to answer his question. "I guess... desire, would be a good sign."

"It would certainly help," he laughed lightly. "It's hard to feel much pleasure during something that feels like a chore. Have you?"

"Hm?"

"Have you experienced any desire for or interest in sex lately?" he asked.

Suddenly feeling a bit flushed, you looked away from him and rubbed the back of your neck. "O-oh, uh... I-- I guess that depends on what you consider--"

"So you have," he interrupted, smirking a bit, and you glanced at him before looking down at the floor with a nervous laugh. "I suspected as much."

"Because I brought it up today?" you assumed.

"No, for quite some time," he responded. "Weeks ago."

You blinked quickly, wondering how he could've noticed something like that. "Oh, did I... say something?"

"It's what you don't say," he explained, looking at you with a bit more darkness in his eyes. "It's what goes without saying."

You knew that he knew, but you weren't strong enough to admit it yet. "Wh-what do you mean, Dr. Crane?" you asked, playing dumb and hoping helplessly that it would work.

He sighed and shut his notebook, setting it aside and tilting his head a bit as he looked at you. "What do you think I'm referring to?" he asked.

You scoffed, seeing an opportunity to change the subject. "You know I can't stand it when you do that... you should just answer my questions," you decided.

"Yes, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?" he smirked. "Simply being told what to do."

You shuddered at the way his voice changed... and his stare, too, it seemed to rake over you. Even though you weren't sure if he was really asking, you found yourself nodding.

"Say it, out loud," he insisted.

"I want you to... to tell me what to do..." you mumbled nervously, "Dr. Crane..."

He smiled, wider than probably you'd ever seen on him and your gaze followed him as he stood up. "I'm glad you've finally admitted it," he said softly, stepping closer to you until his form towered over you as you sat on the couch-- your heart beat faster as you arched your neck to look up at him, swallowing thickly. "Dilated eyes, elevated heartrate, tightly crossed legs-- yes, I noticed all the signs of desire in you. You want me to help you with your aversion, yes?"

"Well, of course, but--"

He leaned down and held your chin softly in his hand, making your words fail into a whimper. "I think you'll experience much faster progress this way," he explained. "You'll do as you're told?"

You hesitated, your heart pounding in your ears, but you nodded slightly; you couldn't exactly say 'no' now, could you?

And he wasn't wrong-- you'd thought about this, with him. But not literally this. You just thought he was attractive, and though he was the one who told you to touch yourself daily at home to desensitize your mind and increase your libido, you never admitted in your self-reports that you were usually thinking about him.

But you weren't thinking about him as your doctor. You were thinking about him as some other person, who just happened to look like that. And though, in your mind, he always took charge... this felt strange in all the wrong ways.

He didn't quite force you down, he just guided you-- but it wasn't gentle, either. It ended up with you laying back on his couch, the decorative throw pillows supporting your back and keeping you half-upright as Dr. Crane slotted himself between your legs, running his hands over your body through your clothes.

He hummed a little, staring down at you in this greedy, voracious way that was totally unfamiliar. You whimpered a little when his hands groped your breasts through your shirt. "Don't worry," he offered, as if it were that simple. "I told you to stimulate yourself like this each night... did you?"

"Yes," you breathed, "but, um... not so... not exactly like that."

"Show me, then."

Your hands were shaking as they took the place of his, and you thoughtlessly bit your lip as you squeezed yourself a little slower, a little gentler-- you both sighed when your fingers pinched your nipples slightly through your clothes.

He reached down to your waist, sliding his hands up under your shirt. His touch on your bare skin was... unexpected, to say the least. His hands were warm, which was a relief, but you still felt shivers run all over you as his fingers delicately moved up your sides. Under your shirt and bra, he cupped your breasts as your own hands fell away. "Like this?" he mimicked your touches, only without the barriers; and even though it made your stomach flip, you couldn't deny that what he was doing felt better than it ever had when you did it to yourself.

Not wanting to admit that to him, though, you just bit your lip harder and nodded.

Just when you started to get somewhat comfortable with-- or at least used to-- what he was doing, he pushed up your clothes to your collarbones, exposing your chest to his lascivious gaze.

"O-oh," you blurted out at the rush of cool air, at the way he stared down at you with an open, hungry mouth-- which he then suddenly latched onto one of your hardened nipples. "Oh!" you whimpered, hips rocking up against him unintentionally when he suckled hard at the sensitive bud.

He wasn't subtle about it, or all that gentle, but it wasn't too much. Thought it was certainly much more intense than you expected.

He hummed against your skin, and you continued to shake uncontrollably beneath him; it was a raw and aggressive sort of pleasure, his tongue and teeth constantly stimulating you, each movement making your pussy clench inside. He'd always told you to be slow and careful with yourself, to even tease and edge yourself if you could... apparently he didn't practice what he preached.

Apparently he didn't need to. You could tell that you were soaking your panties already. Your head was spinning; how the fuck was this actually happening?!

His mouth moved to your other nipple, his fingers tweaking the one still slick from his thorough treatment. He tilted his head, and you regretted glancing down to look at him latched into you like that. This was your doctor, your psychiatrist... you knew it was wrong, you weren't that naive. But you were apparently too stupid to figure out how to stop this.

When he broke away, he grinned up at you. "You're so sensitive here," he purred, "what other places have you found, hm? Those little spots that make your toes curl?"

It must have been a rhetorical question, because he was already pushing your skirt up to your waist. You shivered, feeling that familiar anxiety swell in your chest, but you tried to keep it down. Even if this wasn't at all how you imagined it, you did want to be done with this, to finally say you were able to move past your fear. Maybe this was just as good as any other way-- to just get it over with.

But you had to take a deep, shaky breath when his fingers hooked into your panties... gently pulling them down your thighs-- or in this case, up your thighs, since your legs were forced up and apart by his body between them.

He purred at the sight of you-- or maybe just when he saw how wet you were, but he got the feeling he already knew.

"Very good," he praised, and you sucked in a sharp breath. "You look ready."

Your eyes went wide as he sat himself back a bit, his hands hastily working on his belt and fly; you didn't want to watch him do this, but you couldn't seem to look away.

If your eyes were already wide, then they must have nearly popped out when he opened his trousers and pulled his cock out.

"I-it's too--" you blurted out instantly, scooting back on the couch a bit, recoiling away. "Dr. Crane, you're too--"

"What?" he asked innocently, though it was terribly unconvincing.

"It's too big," you whispered, and he laughed lowly.

"Don't worry about that," he sighed as he leaned down over you again, sliding himself between your slick lips with a groan. "You-- fuck-- you won't have any trouble. My god, you're soaking me already..."

He seemed pretty distracted, and wholly unbothered with your hesitance. You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself, but you couldn't seem to soothe-- especially not when he guided his head right up to your entrance. "W-wait," you stammered suddenly, moving your hips back, "I'm not-- I'm not ready."

"I think it's time for me to make that decision for you," he said firmly. "If you never challenge yourself, you'll never overcome this."

"But I'm not--!" you began, cut off by his hand covering your mouth. There was a ferocity in his glare as he watched your face, studying the changes in your expression carefully as he penetrated you.

As you had feared, his size was an issue. Even dripping wet, you had to stretch to accommodate him... it had been years since you took anything bigger than your own two fingers. He'd had you buy a relatively thin, 'ergonomic' (as the packaging stated) vibrator to insert in yourself at home, but you'd gotten too nervous and couldn't get it in past the first inch. He told you it was all in the mind, and you thought he was right at the time, but this felt physically impossible. And it just kept going.

You whined, nearly screamed, behind his hand, and he groaned in your ear with hot and heavy breaths.

"You can take it," he assured, sliding in deeper, "you can take my cock. It's going to fit... one way or another."

You sighed with relief when his hips were flush with yours; you were shaking, a thin layer of cold sweat all over you like you'd gone through some awful thing. But it wasn't over-- it had only just begun.

"Fuck," he grunted, starting to pull back and push into you all over again. "I know it hurts now... but you'll get used to it."

At first, you thought he meant just now-- that your body would relax and adjust, which it did eventually. But that wasn't what he meant, exactly. He meant something much more long-term, if not permanent; he meant that soon enough, you would be all too comfortable being his to use.

[barbarianbookhoe]

hiiii! request for kaz x reader but they have a toddler together

Aww, I love toddlers! I have a cousin who's almost 3, and I play so much with him, ah (I swear he never sleeps)

A/N: I kinda imagine Kaz as a boydad (not really sure) (but if requested I can write one where he has a daughter) Kid's age isn't specified, around 2-3 years old. Btw, I tried a gender neutral reader, but it wasn't as good as I hoped, so this is a fem!reader x Kaz. Sorry for grammar mistakes!

TW: touch aversion, loss of brother, miscarriage

(I swear it's a fluff story, we just need to get through the dark ages first)

It was a faint noise at first, which Kaz decided to ignore, despite his instincts. It was coming from one of the streets below. Another noise came, this time louder, that was definitely coming from the room next door. He still tried to ignore it.

The third time around Kaz didn't bother pretending that the crying noise would resolve itself, so he sat up in bed and reached over to his side. He found it empty, which made him get out of bed and walk over to the entrance of the room attached to the bedroom.

But he came to a stop when he noticed the crying toddler from mere seconds ago, now soundlessly sleeping in your arms, as you cuddled him to your chest, lightly rocking yourselves in the rocking chair.

"It's okay, I got him. Go back to sleep," you whispered to him, not even looking up from your son. Kaz let out a quiet scoff. "And have conversation with the ceiling? If we're both already awake, then I'm staying." He said and sat down on the windowsill next to you.

"Your grumpiness in the morning won't be my fault," you told him on a sing song voice, not wanting to wake your child. He just rolled his eyes as he caressed his son's head. "You hate the mornings too, wife."

"At least I don't have the temper of a wet cat, husband."

Husband. Kaz took a moment to take the word in. Even after years of being married, he still couldn't believe it when you called him that. Calling you his wife came easily to him, as if his well protected heart knew who you were, long before his mind got drowned in you.

You never would've guessed you'd be holding his hand, let alone be in the same bed with him. It took the two of you months to get this far. Ever since Kaz told you that he wants you to stay with him, in his own way of course, he had been trying to get past his aversion to touch. He never told you, worrying that you wouldn't see him the same, so he did it in a way that wasn't easily noticeable.

It started with the proximity. Day by day, he sat or stood closer to you and the Crows, getting used to the possibility of accidental touches. Then came touching your arm and back, making it seem as if he's just guiding you somewhere. He did that a lot as a protective gesture.

After the second month of these little things, Kaz got fed up with himself one night, when you got stabbed on your leg and he couldn't help treating your wound. So, out of pure annoyment with himself, when you came into his office with some documents he asked for, he grabbed your waist and held you close to him. Your bodies weren't touching yet, but it was closer than you've ever been to him.

Both of you just stood there, not moving an inch, getting used to the feeling of Kaz holding you, despite the multiple layers of clothing. It was like a breath of fresh air.

So, with months of carefully calculated work, Kaz was able to sleep in the same bed with you, holding your hand, without a knot in his stomach, or phantom hands trying to pull him under. He only needed one look at your calm, content face and he felt like he could breathe again.

"This is what I've been saying! I shouldn't have even though about it!" Kaz said sternly, more to himself than you, as you sat on the edge of his bed, clutching his shirt to your chest.

"Kaz, we both knew this wasn't going to be easy! But the fact that you've been making progress for more than 3 years now, means that you care enough to try," you told him as his hands went through his hair. "You care enough about me, about us. And that means a lot to me."

"Clearly not enough, if I cannot even do this..." he whispers to himself, but you hear him and look at him with anger. "How many fucking times do I have to tell you, that I don't need you to do this? That I'm not demanding this from you?"

"You know you could make it easier," Kaz finally looks at you, frustration written on his face. "You could go to a brothel and get it done, without watching your partner lose his mind and cry in a corner."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" You ask, the disbelief clear on your face as you stare at him. "Oh, you're serious? Damn it Kaz, I did not stay in Ketterdam because it was the easy way! I did not stay to watch you punish yourself for everything!" At your raised voice he looked at you as if he couldn't decide if he heard you correctly.

"Do not look at me like that, you know what I'm talking about! I'd like to remind you, that you were the one who said progress takes time, and that it's worth the waiting. That I am worth the waiting! So please Kaz, don't beat yourself up over this," you say the last words on a soft voice, that Kaz swears could lull him to a dream.

Kaz curls his hands into fists, but lets them relax as he sats down on the edge of the bed next to you. You look at him patiently, waiting for him to reach out to you. Despite the feather light touch he places on your cheek, his cold blue eyes seem to hold a certain heat to them.

"I'm blaming myself, because I can't touch you, or hold you, the way I want to," he whispers, his voice raspy from his emotions. "The way a woman like you should be held," he practically mouths the words onto your shoulder, slowly making his way to your neck.

"I would give all my money to treat you like you should be," he places a kiss on your cheek and pulls away from you, and you keep yourself glued to your spot, respecting his boundaries. Though, a voice inside you tries to convince you to pull him back.

You don't hide your feelings from him, instead you look at him with a heated gaze, and let him decide if he wants to continue or not. You could do it tonight, you want to do it, Saints you've been wanting to for a painfully long time, but you will never pressure him to make the first step. It won't lead to anything good if you push him, so you just keep sitting there, patiently staring at his eyes.

And when he nods, just a slight tilt of his head meaning he's ready, you reach out to take his face in your hand.

"Kaz?" You whisper and he hums in response. "I will give you all the kruge in the world, if you have tonight alone with me."

"You're bribing me into my own bed? I didn't expect this from you, Y/N," he says as he slowly removes the shirt you're still holding to your chest. You move up on the bed as Kaz tovers over you, his hands on each side of your head.

"Anything to get what I want," you whisper as you glance down to his lips and back to his eyes. Kaz slowly leans down to your lips, not wanting to rush himself. "Oh? And what do you want, darling?"

You don't even have to think before the word slips off your tongue, as natural as breathing.

"You."

Everything was fucked up. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. When Kaz reached out to his Crows for a job, for old times sake, a heist that shouldn't have been quarter as serious as the Ice Court, it went sideways at the last minute.

It was a blur to all of them how they got out, and none of them dared to question their luck. While you and Nina carried a bleeding Jesper back to the Slat, you suddenly felt a sharp pain in your abdomen, fearing that it might've been from a kick, or worse, a stab wound.

Inej, Wylan and Kaz surrounded the three of you, keeping an eye out for any more threats. Kaz pushed the Slat's door open for you to go inside, and Nina helped you get Jesper up into his old room, quickly setting him down on a desk he left there.

You were all grateful that almost no one was in the building, too busy living their life on a Friday night.

The pain in your abdomen appeared again, and you quickly checked yourself for a wound or bruise, but finding nothing you ignored it. Maybe it's from stress, it wouldn't be the first time.

The silence quickly disappeared when Nina and Kaz walked into the room, Wylan and Inej hot on their heels. They began arguing about Kaz's planning, Nina's still intact fear of using her abilities, Kaz's stubbornnes, and so on. You tried to yell at them to stop, not wanting to deal with their differences at the moment, but they didn't listen, even after multiple of your attempts.

During one of your outbursts, you sent Inej down to the kitchen to calm Wylan down and keep him company. She only returned to gave you a bowl of water and a towel, to clean off Jesper's wound.

As you worked, the sharp pain increased in your stomach and it took every ounce of your will to not double over. You didn't notice when Kaz and Nina had stopped their argument, but you did notice the eerie silence that followed. You were just finishing stitching Jesper's side, when you grabbed your stomach as a new wave of pain washed over you.

No.

No, no, no, no. This can't be happening. This is not what I think it is, you thought.

Please, don't let this be what I think it is.

You took a glance at your dark pants, but didn't notice anything, so you slided a hand between your thighs and checking it, you saw blood. You knew what it meant. You knew what this was, yet you had to take a second to fully wrap your head around it.

"Are you alright?" Nina asked from the foot of the bed, checking both you and Jesper. "Are you hurt? You look pale as a-"

"If she was, she would've told us Zenik," Kaz said on his usually cold voice, making Nina snap back at him. "How am I supposed to now, if I don't ask? Wouldn't be the first time one of you hid a wound-"

"Just shut up," you told them, but they didn't hear you over their new argument, and you felt the tears burning in your eyes, as you put a blanket over Jesper out of protectiveness for him.

You could feel the blood dripping down your pants, down to your leg, and you felt like throwing up. You took deep breaths to keep yourself from completely breaking.

"Wait, just, shut up for a minute Brekker!" Nina told Kaz and he was ready to snap at her, when Nina turned to you sternly. "Alright Y/N, I can literally feel the blood around you, so if you have any-"

"I need you to bring me my bag," you told her, not looking up at her, the pain still too evident on your face. "It's a brown bag, with clothes and hygienic stuff in it, it's under the bed in Kaz's room."

"Are you sure you're alright? I can check if there's anything that-"

"Nina, I'm having a miscarriage, would you fucking go and get it?!" You snap at her and making the mistake of staring at her while doing so. The unshead tears mixed with the pain in your eyes makes both Kaz and Nina freeze.

Kaz looks at you with wide eyes, his face going visibly pale, and his cane almost slips out from his hands. He manages to catch himself and leans his back to the wall for support. Nina doesn't know what to do, she just stands there, the tears streaming down her face. Before she could even try speaking up, you stop her.

"Please Nina, I beg of you, just get me that damn bag," your voice cracks as you try to hold back yourself from crying. As Nina opens the door to go, you will yourself to walk out the door, away from Kaz's hand, all the way to his room. Nina doesn't say anything as she gives you the bag, just looks at you mournfully, gently giving you a half hug.

You and Kaz stand in the room for what feels like hours, when you move to the small bathroom, unpacking your bag.

Why did I even ask Nina? I was heading here anyway. Nevermind, it got me time to compose myself until I got here, you tell yourself, a distraction from wanting to collapse to the floor.

When you felt the first tears escape, you furiously wiped them off, quickly getting some stuff from the bag. Your vision began to blur from your tears, despite your violent attempts at getting rid of them.

Kaz watched you with a mix of sadness, frustration and shock. He didn't even know you were pregnant. Maybe you didn't either, maybe you were just guessing, figuring it out. The state he saw you in when you realized what was happening, it was a stab to his heart. He didn't know how he could comfort you. He always understood your pain, but this time he knew he wouldn't. He would never fully understand this loss.

As he watched you become more furious with your tears, still trying to keep yourself from falling apart, he was there to catch you. Kaz abandoned his cane and wrapped you in a hug and let himself slowly slide down to the floor as you sobbed in his arms.

You told him you weren't ready for a child. He agreed that he wasn't either. Then why did this hurt you so much?

"I can't," you said but Jesper just scoffed. "Oh come on! I celebrate my wedding only once, and I already got Inej to drink. I believe the pirate life got to her," he giggled and you just shook your head at him.

Yes, Wylan and Jesper finally got married, which resulted in a small celebration within the Crows. Everyone was at their mansion in the dining room, congratulating the newly wed couple. Kaz was more alert than ever, never once leaving your side for more than a few minutes. Jesper even commented on it, which resulted in Kaz hitting his head with a slice of cake.

Jesper didn't mind though, he ate the remains off his head without problem.

"Just a sip for me, love! I even bought that fancy drink you like," Jesper said, practically begging you, but you just giggled at him. "Jesper, if a woman says no, then it's no."

"Alright, alright," he held his palms up, not pushing further. "Just tell me why. Normally, you wouldn't miss out on an occasion like this."

You took a quick glance at Kaz, and when he tried to cover up his boyish smirk with downing his drink, you smiled at Jesper.

'Yes, but normally I wouldn't be four months pregnant." The silence that came was filled with shock. Except the sound of Nina choking on her food, and Inej hitting her on the back for help.

"You're what?!"

"I'm gonna be an aunt, I'm gonna be an aunt!"

"I knew there was a reason Kaz acted like a guard dog lately!"

"Saints help this child,"

Everyone got so excited and busy with talking to you, that it gave Kaz a moment to relish in your presence. The way you were constantly smiling at them, already glowing from joy, your hand never letting go of Kaz's under the table. When Kaz felt someone's gaze on him, he glanced around to see Nina staring at him with a bittersweet smile, as if remembering the same thing he had on his mind.

This will be different. This will be better. This will be good.

As you came closer and closer to the end of your pregnancy, you became a hurricane of human emotions.

After announcing the news to the Crows, it was only a matter of time before you started showing. You and Kaz were both terrified of what could happen if anyone in the Barrel found out about your pregnancy. After endless days of debating with Kaz, you decided to move to Lij, Kaz's hometown for a few months.

The countryside relaxed you, and Kaz found it that if you had moved here sooner, maybe he could've evaded the aftermath of your mood changes. He thought this calm and happy version of you was far better than the one throwing knives at his head for gaining weight.

Since you came here, Kaz tried to deal with his trauma in this place too. He could still feel Jordie here, and in the first few weeks he was sure he was going to go mad. Until one night, when you were over the moon with the baby kicking, you advised Kaz to find peace within this place. So he did.

Reluctantly, annoyed and terrified to his core, but he did. He made a headstone for his family, he let himself mourn, remember the boy he once was.

He also didn't stop being Dirtyhands, now doing it via letters. He had Wylan and Jesper to take care of things for now, along with Anika and Specht. Kaz made sure to check on them quite seriously, despite not being able to go for more than a day or two.

One day he found himself working on the same things his father did in his memories. He made sure the little farmhouse had stable staircases, he rearranged the furniture almost everywhere, he fixed the bed frame in the bedroom, also fixed every single lock, door knob, window, and even made time to take care of the farm itself; the trees, the crops, the two horses in the stalls.

Despite trying to keep his hair as dark as possible, Kaz Brekker couldn't hide from the sunlight. Especially not when you looked the happiest when seeing him basked in sunlight, his hair brown like chocolate basked in honey.

"Just one more!" Nina shouted as you groaned in pain. You told Kaz that you wanted Nina to deliver your child, despite her lack of training. Though Nina helped assissting births before, this was different. All three of you knew it was different.

The baby was coming weeks earlier than they should've, which made you panic more than anything. You gripped the bedframe above your head so tightly, you could hear the wood creaking.

You've been at this for a few hours now, and you just wanted it to stop. Everything hurt and you wanted this to be over. Nina kept shouting at you, finding it the most effective way of keeping your focus on her. Kaz didn't leave your side for one second, except when Nina needed something to help her.

At first he kept his gloves on, the sweat of your skin making him doubt himself, but as the hours passed he got rid of them. His hand was gripping yours, trying to take away from your pain, if it was even possible.

But when you heard that cry, you felt the world stop. Nina was saying something as she checked on the newborn to make sure he was alright, but you couldn't hear it. The only thing that you focused on was the little boy, that was now placed on your chest. Everything fell into place as you stared down at him, with Kaz wrapping an arm around your shoulder, looking at his son like he was some kind of treasure.

You have spent hours in the rain to get information. You had knives thrown at you. You escaped death multiple times. Once you even drank poison to make a bluff look real.

All of them seemed like a walk on Sunday compared to the first year with your son. You could go on and on about how he didn't want to sleep, then didn't want to eat, then he would only stop crying when Kaz was holding him, then when he was constantly crying in his arms, scaring Kaz who had a hard time keeping the newborn at his chest, that when your son began sitting you were in constant fear of him somehow rolling off the bed, and-

And you would still say you love him more than anything. Because when he wasn't frustrating you, he was the happiest kid you've seen in your life. His giggle and laugh, the way his eyes lit up with joy while playing with him. Saints those eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, the exact replica of Kaz's. Whenever you looked at the two of them, you couldn't even try to deny they were father and son.

His hair turned out to be what you imagined: light brown, almost blonde, as if it was Sun kissed. He could be tricky just like Kaz too.

When he first stood up, not yet walking, you didn't saw him do it, but Kaz rushed to get you to make you see it. It was only a few seconds, but your son looked at you and sat down, and after asking him multiple times, he wouldn't stand up again. And the boy was giggling all through it.

His first steps were something that you'd keep in your memories forever. Because it wasn't a milestone just for him, but for Kaz too. Your son was past his first birthday, and Kaz was having a hard time with him. Something always went sideways, wether it was accidentally making him cry, or having to give him to you, because he couldn't hold him anymore.

You were moving back to Ketterdam to a quiet neighbourhood, where no one knew your face, the apartment purchased under a fake name.

Kaz was on the front porch of the farmhouse, getting the lighter boxes into the carriage. He heard footsteps behind him and when he turned he saw your son standing at the front door. You were just a few steps behind unmoving, not wanting to make him stop.

"You're gonna keep standing there, or will you help?" Kaz asked him, as if he could give him an answer.

He did this a lot with him. You noticed the habit by accident, when one time you came back from the market and heard Kaz talking to someone. You thought maybe one of the Crows came for a visit, so when you saw Kaz in deep conversation with your newborn about investments, you were more than surprised. From then on it became a daily routine for the two of them to "have a chat".

The child babbled something and Kaz nodded. "Start by coming here and picking this up," he said and held up a little toy blanket Inej got for your son.

And he did. He took four wabbling steps towards Kaz, purposefully looking at him before landing on his foot. Kaz instantly picked him up and when you saw one of his rare smiles, your heart melted a little.

Living in Ketterdam with a 2 year old was definitely the biggest job you and Kaz had to pull off. It helped that Wylan and Jesper was closer this way, if you needed someone to take care of your son.

What didn't help was the noise at night. Both of you got used to the sound of fights and drunks on the street, the neighbourhood far from the Barrel not escaping their voices. The two of you could've slept like it was nothing, if it wasn't for your child crying out in the middle of the night.

You had to take multiple turns in one night, and it was tiring the both of you out. With Kaz now back in the Barrel, doing his business, building his empire, it was slowly taking a toll on him. So one night, with the help of Jesper, Kaz snuck out with your son to his office in the Slat, figuring out a way to keep him calm.

You were in the Crow Club, tending to a few things, giving the impression that you were just travelling and doing jobs the past two years. You felt relieved to see how well Anika and Specht worked together, and felt a childish giggle in your throat as you fell back into your role as a guard. The rush you felt finally wearing your old clothes, the feeling of the knives strapped under your coat, and the sadistic joy of twisting a man's arm for the first time in years, it was unfathomable.

When you went to the Slat and made your way to Kaz's room you heard him talking again. Picking up on the calmer tone he used, you entered and noticed your son sitting in Kaz's lap, as he was pointing on a map in front of them.

"You're saying we should invest into Fifth Harbor?" Kaz asked but the toddler just said "ma". "Could you elaborate?" And with that he put the child's weight on his good leg and lightly began shaking his leg, as if the boy was riding a horse. He giggled as his own voice trembled from the motion.

"Yes, but in that case it'd be wiser to expand the Crow Club, or rather establish a new gambling den." Another sound came from the toddler, this time saying"mama". "Go, ask your mother yourself."

You were about to put a bullet in your head. Or at least ask Jesper to do it for you. By the look on Kaz's face you would have to wrestle for it.

You were spending the evening at Wylan's and what do you know, Jesper was ready to keep your son entertained the whole time. You on the other hand, were scared of what your toddler would accidentally say. He's been trying to talk to you for weeks now, only knowing words and not actual sentences yet.

But one night, when Kaz was late because of something he had to take care of, you were waiting for him in the kitchen after putting your son to sleep. He came in with blood all over his shirt, thankfully his coat covering most of it.

What you didn't notice though, was the small presence at the doorway, listening to the two of you talking.

"So, you just left him there like that? In his own kitchen?"

"You rather I tell him he's been a bad boy? The asshole was being overconfident with himself. Plus, he owes the Dregs."

"What did he even say?"

"I told him I have his contract with the Council, to which he said "You can shove it up your ass". I had a difficult day, so you know why I-"

"Your ass." The little voice said, wich made you look at him in shock. Your son was hiding behind the doorframe, clutching his stuffed animal to his chest. You looked back at Kaz in disbelief, which turned into annoyment.

"Would it kill you to teach him a decent word?"

"He knows the swear words from you, wife," Kaz told you with a smug look. "Fuck you," you whisper to him, but unfortunately still loud enough for your son to hear.

"Fuck"

"This is all your fault Kaz,"

So you were waiting for the bomb to drop, for your son to finally say one of the bad words he picked up, but the night went on without it. You bid your goodbye to Jesper and Wylan, your son holding your hand and waving at them as you did.

"You'll have to tell me where Jesper keeps his liquor," you ask of Wylan, and the little boy next to you finally speaks.

"Up your ass," he smiles. You just stare back at Wylan and Jesper's face with the best poker face you have, ignoring Kaz's cough next to you. Your son also says the word "fuck", but you're too stunned to pay it any mind.

"Uh, see you next week then," you tell them and turn to leave, but Jesper's voice stops you.

"Where the hell did he learn these?" He tries to contain his laugh, but the smile on his face fails him.

"Ma-ma,"

"I swear he's doing this on purpose."

A/N: The first half was more tragic than it should've been, I'm so fcking sorry, the idea just slipped out :/ Hope you liked it, though😅

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Grass

Debut: Super Mario Bros. 2

Hey guys! Did you know that Super Mario Bros. 2 was originally a reskin of a game called Puck-Man, but they changed the name so people wouldn't vandalize the cabinets and make it say Q*bert? Anyway here's Grass

I hope you like Grass. I hope there are some ruminants among our readers who get so hyped upon seeing a depiction of grass. But I don't care about the grass itself. I care about what's underneath... Funny Vegetables! The kind to throw at a Shy Guy or a Tweeter! Let's look at each Vegetable's NES and SNES design, and discuss them!

Turnip is the most iconic of the These Vegetables. Not the most iconic vegetable, but the most iconic Mario Vegetable. It's the main one that gets referenced, reappears as of Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker, and is even part of Peach's Smash moveset! Where they make even more variants that I don't feel like getting into here for the sake of post length. I quite like Turnip's classic brow(s), though they would be removed, along with the mouth, in future iterations. Such is brand identity.

In Minion Quest and Bowser Jr.'s Journey, Shy Guys' main method of attack is throwing turnips! I like that a lot. It references their debut and is just a very whimsical thing!

I would expect to pull up a turnip from the ground, but lookie here! A couple of Fruits. It's unclear if these are pumpkins or bell peppers, and they come in red and green, which are both options for both fruits! Neither of the options, however, grow underground, so maybe they were playing hide-and-seek. It would explain their surprised expressions! They thought that was such a good hiding place, and it was! Also, I am not averse to calling these fruits vegetables. "Vegetable" is just a culinary term, referring to a part of a plant that we eat! Every fruit is a vegetable. Blueberry pie is a Vegetable Dessert. Words are fun!

Beet is the happiest vegetable we've seen so far! But oddly thin. I hope it's not malnourished! If it is, it's still optimistic, and that's commendable. Maybe it's happy because it was voted Most Likely To Be Pickled in the vegetable high school year book! (Cucumber was homeschooled)

Beet was so thin, and now Parsnip is so wide! It feels like their colors should have been swapped, maybe. But a Parsnip Muncher would delight in having so much more to munch here! A parsnip you could eat like an apple! I am not sure what Parsnip is thinking, with its very neutral expression. If I had a nickel for every time I couldn't tell what a parsnip was thinking, I'd be rich!

Tomato is my favorite! It's SO happy! The biggest smile around! So happy to be a tomato! Maybe it's thinking about how everyone loves tomatoes and how versatile they are! Maybe it's happy because THIS fruit is never buried underground- this and the following vegetable only appear from the Dream Machine during the final boss battle against Wart. I guess Wart doesn't like tomatoes. So not everyone does... but phooey to him, because he's a Bad Guy! We goody two shoeses love Tomato!

Finally, last but not least, is a quite interesting vegetable! This one is a bit mysterious, a bit ambiguous. Ambiguous whether it's an onion or a garlic. Ambiguous whether it's wearing thick glasses, or it has wide, pupilless eyes. I'm going to claim this vegetable as non-binary, and also establish "onion/garlic" as a binary. And then all humans will become non-binary...! What I can be sure of is that this allium looks like a nerd. "According to my calculations, my presence serves to enhance the flavor of any culinary delight!" Ok, dork! I love you.

So these have been Vegetables! I hope you liked them! And I also hope you like them in real life, That's Health! This post was funded and approved by the FDA. Can I say that? What are they going to do about it? Sue me? Kill me? Hopefully neither!

[blackenedsnow]

Hello! Feel free to ignore this if you can't or wouldn't like to write it!

If it's not any trouble, could I request an Arthur Morgan x Asexual!Reader thing (one shot or headcanons, whatever fits better and/or is easier!), where there's like, mutual pining, but the reader speaks about their aversion to sex and lack of that sort of attraction, and how they think they're just never gonna have a meaningful romantic relationship because of this? Been feeling discouraged and sad about this, so yeah lmao.

And if the reader could be buff, it'd be awesome (no, I am not buff yet, but I will use this as inspiration to get there lol.

Anyways, tysm for taking the time to read this! Have a lovely day/night/afternoon!

heart stronger than flesh

WARNING: None

PAIRING: Arthur Morgan x Asexual! Reader

NOTE: I hope this gave you the encouragement you were looking for! Arthur's got your back, and so do I. You're going to reach those buff goals, one step at a time. Stay strong and know you're worthy of all the love and care in the world! Thank you so much for requesting this. Remember that love comes in many forms, and you deserve it as you are.

SUMMARY: Arthur has always admired you—your strength, your sharp wit, the way you stand tall in the middle of this messy world. He knows there’s something unspoken between you two, but neither of you has dared to name it. That is, until one evening when you finally confront your fears about the future.

The camp was quiet tonight, only the crackling of the fire filling the air as the rest of the gang slowly drifted off to sleep. You sat a little ways from the fire, resting on a fallen log, your muscles tense from the long day. Arthur sat nearby, the warmth of the firelight casting flickering shadows over his face as he quietly cleaned his gun. His usual frown softened whenever his eyes flickered your way, though he was trying to act like he wasn’t paying too much attention to you.

It had been this way for a while now. The unspoken tension between you two simmered just beneath the surface—an unacknowledged pining that neither of you knew how to handle. You weren’t blind to how he looked at you, especially after all the times you’d ridden into town together, his eyes lingering on the way your biceps flexed when you pulled the reins. He was always good at keeping it hidden, though, his cowboy façade of stoicism remaining intact. But tonight felt different. He kept glancing over at you more often than usual, his jaw clenched a little tighter.

You sighed and stretched your arms above your head, feeling your muscles strain under your skin. Even in the dim light, your physique was obvious—strong arms and broad shoulders earned through days of hard work and rough living. You were proud of the strength you'd built, but something else gnawed at you. The weight in your chest wasn’t from exhaustion.

You tried to brush the thought aside, but it came creeping back, like it always did.

Arthur noticed the shift in your expression. He finally broke the silence, his voice low and gravelly. “You alright?”

You hesitated, your fingers idly picking at the worn fabric of your pants. “Yeah. Just… got a lot on my mind, I guess.”

He nodded, putting down his gun and giving you his full attention now. He was quiet for a moment, waiting for you to speak. His eyes were soft, his usual guarded expression slipping as he looked at you with concern.

You shifted on the log, feeling the words at the back of your throat, but they were hard to spit out. How could you explain it? You weren’t shy about being tough, about fighting back against the world, but this? This was something different. Something more vulnerable.

“Arthur…” you started, not looking at him directly. “You ever… feel like you're not ever gonna have what other folks have? Like, love… romance?” You paused, feeling the knot in your stomach tighten. “I mean, I see people, how they are with each other. But for me… I don’t feel the same way they do.”

Arthur frowned slightly, not sure where you were going with this yet. “What do you mean?”

You swallowed hard, your hands tightening into fists in your lap. “I don’t… I don’t want the same things as most people. I don’t want—” You stopped, heart pounding, before forcing yourself to continue. “I don’t want sex, Arthur. I never have. Never felt that way. And it makes me feel like… like I'm gonna be enough. Not for anyone.”

Arthur was silent for a moment, his gaze fixed on you, but there was no judgment in his eyes. Just understanding, like he was listening to every word you said with more focus than he gave most things in this world.

You let out a shaky breath. “I’ve been thinkin’ about it for a while now. About... us. I know there’s… something between us, but I’m scared it’ll never work because I can’t give you what most people expect in a relationship. Hell, I don’t even know if it’s fair to you.”

Arthur finally spoke, his voice low and calm. “You really think that’s all there is to love? To wantin’ someone?”

You blinked at him, surprised by his question.

“I’m serious,” he said, shifting forward slightly, his elbows resting on his knees as he leaned toward you. “You think I’m with you—care about you—just ‘cause of what I could get outta you physically?” He shook his head. “It ain’t like that. Not for me.”

You stared at him, unsure of what to say.

“I don’t care about that,” he continued. “Hell, I’ve been around enough folks to know what really matters. I care about *you*. I care about the way you carry yourself, the way you look after the people you care about, the way you get stronger every damn day.” His eyes softened even more. “You think I ain’t noticed how damn strong you’ve gotten, how you keep pushin’ yourself?”

Your heart skipped a beat as he spoke, and a warmth spread through your chest at his words. You had always prided yourself on your strength, but hearing it from him—hearing how he noticed and appreciated it—meant more than you could have expected.

“I’ve felt it too,” he admitted, his voice dropping to a rough whisper. “Somethin’ between us. I ain’t gonna pretend I know all the answers, but I know I care about you. And I don’t need anything else but you by my side.”

It was hard with the weight of your fears crashing into the relief his words brought.

Arthur, ever perceptive, reached out slowly, placing a calloused hand on your knee. It was a gentle touch—so different from the hardened man you were used to seeing in him.

“I ain’t here to push you,” he said softly. “You don’t ever have to be anything you’re not. I don’t expect you to change, and I sure as hell don’t think you’re any less for feelin’ the way you do.” He hesitated, squeezing your knee gently. “You’re more than enough. I promise you that.”

You let out a shaky laugh, wiping your eyes quickly. “Arthur, I… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t gotta say anything,” he murmured, his thumb brushing lightly over your skin. “Just know that you mean somethin’ to me. And I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

For the first time in a long while, the tight knot in your chest started to loosen. You weren’t used to feeling this kind of reassurance, and yet, here was Arthur Morgan—someone as rough as the life you both led—telling you that you were enough just as you were.

You looked down at his hand on your knee, then back up into his eyes. “Thank you,” you whispered.

He smiled—just a small, fleeting thing, but it was real. “Anytime.”

The two of you sat there for a while longer, the fire crackling softly beside you, the night quiet and peaceful for once. And in that stillness, you felt a sense of calm settle in your bones.

You were strong—physically and emotionally. And with Arthur by your side, maybe you didn’t have to carry that weight alone.

[wilcze-kudly]

Tlok is so weird about abuse, particularly when their female charcters are abusive towards their male characters.

Like Eska's abuse by Bolin was played completely for comedy. Despite him being shown as clearly uncomfortable, and crying on multiple occasions.

This is especially upsetting because Bolin has been shown as being a rather vulnerable individual with trouble setting healthy boundaries and an aversion to saying 'no'. But even when he does actively express his discomfort and attempts to end the relationship, his autonomy is violated and he is literally forcefully engaged to Eska. And we are supposed to laugh.

He is shown to be so traumatised by the experience that he still actively panics when shown even a picture of Eska and is clearly very hurt that Mako didn't offer him more help in the situation. Which is honestly understandable.

Speaking of which, Mako and Korra's relationship in B2 was... troubled to say the least. Now, Korra had a lot on her plate and was rightfully stressed by the events happening. However, it seemed that she often took her stress out on Mako, getting into arguments with him and yelling at him.

She kicked his fucking desk across the room. While Mako may have upset her by going behind her back and ratting her out to Raiko, but this is no way to react. But we are supposed to be annoyed and angry with Mako, and we are meant to see Korra reacting so violently as justified. [While I don't like Mako's actions in B2 he didn't deserve this.]

This is not helped in the slightest after Lin enters the scene, and comments on thw mess, saying that he 'got off easy'. And she implies that she committed even more property damage after Tenzin broke up with her.

Ah, Lin. I think while Korra and Eska's actions toward Mako and Bolin have been called out sometimes, we tend to overlook how fucking horrifying what we're told about Lin's reaction to Tenzin breaking up with her is.

Because, if we think about this for a little, this is a scary situation. Lin is a very strong and physical person who has been shown to be quick to violence. Air Temple Island is Tenzin's home, and the home of multiple Air Acolytes, full of fragile artifacts that we are shown that he values tremendously and for which he feels personally responsible for.

Ans it's honestly hard to believe that Lin didn't know this about Tenzin, since they persumably have known each other for a while. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if she damaged the temple because she knew it would hurt him.

And it's understandable that this wasn't presented as a very morally wrong thing to do, since the 'crazy ex girlfriend' isn't an unpopular trope in comedy, but it is damaging. Since it plays women doing genuinely scary and upsetting things towards men for comedy, therefore making it more difficult to take such behaviour seriously.

But hey, I guess we can kinda pretend that Lin most likely damaging Air Temple Island with earthbending is comparable to egging someone's house or keying their car. So let's let that slide.

Oh yeah, she also abused her position as chief of police in order to try and get rid of a romantic rival.

Which is extremely fucked up, especially with how Lin presents herself as extremely professional and serious about her job, yet she apparently used it to terrorise a woman for 'stealing' her partner. What kind of bunny boiler shit is this.

And all of these scenes presenting Lin as a vengeful, borderline abusive ex to Tenzin are presented as comedic, further driving tlok's most likely unintentional message of normalising female on male abuse. It's not as in your face as Eska's abuse of Bolin, to the point that without the context of Eska and Korra's behaviour, I wouldn't really point Lin out, but with this context, you can't help but consider it.

Once is by chance. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.

And I hate to make this argument, but if the genders were reversed in these situations?

If a boy were pressuring a young, emotionally vulnerable girl into marriage, treating her as his slave, manhandling her, getting angry when she speaks to a male friend?

If a young man were to scream at his girlfriend multiple times and go so far as to throw her desk across a room?

If a male policeman implied he caused severe property damage at his ex girlfriend's house after she broke up with him and if he tried to use his status to arrest her new partner? (you know, actually 40% of cops are- *gets shot*)

I feel like we'd have a completely different perspective.

While male on female abuse is still often stigmatised and overlooked, I still think that Eska, Korra and Lin's actions would be scrutinised more closely and reacted to more negatively if they were men. Concurrently, I think we would treat Bolin, Mako and Tenzin with more leniency and gave them more of the benefit of the doubt had they been women.

I want to think that this wasn't a message that was presented on purpose, but it's still one of my least favourite aspects of tlok and I genuinely dislike the part of the fandom that trivialises these actions by Korra, Lin and Eska.

[total-drama-brainrot]

Assistant Noah AU + Alenoah Idea... After Alejandro lashes out about Noah liking his true self + true interests... Confused Noah asks why Alejandro doesn't want Noah to like his true personality...

Alejandro: "Because everyone only loves the fake, perfect, flawless me!"

Assistant Noah: "So, shouldn't you be happy that I prefer your true self?"

Alejandro: "But the true me is flawed and makes mistakes!"

Assistant Noah: "Perfect is boring and overrated... I'd take the 'clever, dorky, and dino-loving Alejandro' over the 'fake generic pretty boy Alejandro' any day... If it makes you feel better, I can tell you my true interests?"

Alejandro (trying not to cry happy tears): "... Okay." 🥲

The dialogue's a bit stilted, but I do like the idea.

Though, if anything, I think Alejandro would be the one to confront Noah about his apparently aversion to all things Alejandro Burromuerto (the persona), and Noah - being the incredibly blunt person he is - would plainly tell him that he knows a lot of Alejandro's personality is an act, and that he doesn't appreciate being lied to every time they interact.

Alejandro wouldn't know what to do with himself in this situation; he's spent near enough his whole life cultivating his social image and the persona he needs to play, to the point that it's become second nature for him. So for anyone, but especially someone as unassuming as Noah, to call it out as transparent and fake, would be a massive blow to Alejandro's ego and self-esteem. An entirely neccessary blow to his ego, but one he isn't exactly equipped to deal with.

And then Noah would clarify that he's seen the barest glimpse of the person beneath the persona; in the brightness of Alejandro's eyes whenever he talks about things he's truly passionate about (like puppetry and paleantology and skateboarding and playing the accordian and-- you get the idea), or in the occasional dry remark he makes about his teammates, or in the softness of his features whenever Alejandro allows himself to relax a little from his "perfect team leader" act. And that he prefers that side of him, because at least it's real - he wants to get to know the real, genuine Alejandro before he can consider them friends.

To which Alejandro admits that he isn't sure who the real Alejandro is. He's never been allowed to be anything less than the mask he hides behind presents, not just on Total Drama but in his day-to-day life, and he isn't sure where he'd even begin in seperating himself from the expectations that have been set upon him by his family and the world at large of who he should be. Isn't sure if he can.

Why can't Noah just accept him as the fraud he is, he'd ask. A broken plea from an equally broken boy who doesn't know what it means to be himself.

And Noah wouldn't have an answer. Quite frankly, he wouldn't've expected his simple request for honesty from Alejandro to result in a whole identity crisis breakdown from the other. He'd just stand there, speechless for perhaps the first time in his life, as the unbreakable pillar of Team Chris crumbles before him under the weight of the world on his shoulders.

...

And then they'd hug it out or something whilst Alejandro vents about his awful childhood to Noah, and Noah would think to himself, "Well, I guess I asked for this. Can't complain about it."

[synchodai]

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE DRAGON BATTLE IN ROOK'S REST

Okay, here's a rundown for what the differences in the source material are:

"Why didn't they send another dragon with Meleys?" In the book (and the show), the blacks didn't know that there were dragons in Rook's Rest.

Meleys is the fastest dragon and she could have possibly beaten Vhagar based on that. It took both Sunfyre and Vhagar working together to bring Meleys down.

Against Vhagar alone she might have had some chance, but against Vhagar and Sunfyre together, doom was certain. The dragons met violently a thousand feet above the field of battle, as balls of fire burst and blossomed, so bright that men swore later that the sky was full of suns. The crimson jaws of Meleys closed round Sunfyre’s golden neck for a moment, till Vhagar fell upon them from above.

There's no mention of Vhagar burning or attacking Sunfyre (but that happening doesn't necessarily contradict FaB).

In the books, all three dragons fell at the same time, "spinning towards the ground."

Rhaenys only had one chance to flee and that was before she had ever engaged.

Criticisms of these changes and whinging after the cut!

This was said in the show as well, but Rook's Rest is an insignificant castle. Winning or losing it won't really effect the tide of battle in any meaningful way.

But you know what will? Losing a dragon. Rhaenys, being wise and conflict-averse in the show, should have known this and knew that Meleys wasn't worth sacrificing for this. There were times when I honestly thought Rhaenys deliberatedly wanted to die when she kept turning around. Book!Rhaenys engaging in a heavily weighted 2v1 made sense because she was eager for battle and more cocksure.

And a lot of people are reasoning that she couldn't have run away because she was injured and Vhagar is faster in the show. They didn't show that, though. They didn't show Meleys being pursued by Vhagar or having difficulty flying. What they did show was Rhaenys turning around repeatedly when she was in the clear. This was probably done to give her the same valiant stand book!Rhaenys ends up being known for, but given the changes they made to her personality and values, it wouldn't make sense for her show counterpart to do that.

In the same vein, it makes no sense to call for Vhagar to take such a small castle unless that was all part of Aemond's plan to kill his brother — which I guess it was.

But related to that, does Aemond realize how heavily he crippled his own side's chances at winning the civil war? The greens only have one battle-ready dragon now! Helaena has never been shown to ride Dreamfyre and I'm not even sure if Jaehaera even has Morghul. Vhagar is powerful but she's only one dragon. What is Aemond gonna do if the blacks start attacking from multiple places?

Anyway, love the dream sequences. Love the acting. Love Jace chewing out his mom for leaving when her advisors were threatening to usurp her. Love Sunfyre. Love the aftermath of the battle. Beautiful set and cinematography. Have a good day, everyone.

[beacarrot]

Saved by a Stranger. - Text dedicated to Liam Payne.

I needed to take some time to search for where my words have gone. In the corner of the room where I danced to the band's first songs about someone who could love me "more than this"? On the poster stuck next to my bed, which will be the way I remember him every morning? From the beats of songs that saved a life? Mine, and that of a few million across continents I still haven’t reached?

Memories don't connect to thoughts, the pain lost in the current of the most beautiful joys, the sweet years of genuine innocence. And right now, I want to scream so loudly, because no word can soothe my soul.

The sweetness colored in his voice can never be altered, not by the forces of evil, or by the relentless time. Fate is funny and irrevocable... life likes to throw curveballs. It turns long roads into spheres. All I know how to write about is inner death. I wasn't ready for what was to come...

Who could have guessed? "Life is like that." It could certainly be worse, but we never say how much better it could have been. We wait for the "worst", but we pray for the "best". And what will always catch me is seeing the writing: "1993 - 2024".

Death is what unites people, as it’s the only thing that awaits us all in the same way, walking silently by our sides.

------------------------------

Part specifically for Liam.

"If I try to scream and manage to get some sound out of my lungs, would you be able to hear me? I keep dancing in my room, this time more alone than ever. I wait for your return, which, mockingly, won’t come, but wait somehow comforts my small and now withered heart, like the curse of nostalgia that promises to bring back the old times but never does. I didn’t want to let you go, but I spent too much time endlessly planning how to chase success while breaking down in fear. Mapping an escape to the past when I felt I was no longer the same, locked in a lethal and vivid attachment.

I feel like I never really touched you, but even without the tips of your fingers, you touched the deepest, most intimate part of my heart.

Dear Liam, we are all proud of the love you spread throughout your years of life, how you lent your voice to tell stories wrapped in threads covered with solid gold. For being the 'Daddy Direction,' for the rumors of your spoon aversion that always make me laugh when I look at one, for your youthful and naive love for Batman, Toy Story, and plaid shirts! For always having been and always being our red...

You make me strong, and 14 years wouldn't last forever, not for me, not for you. The love and the tender way you always treated your admirers and fans warm me somehow.

Heaven could have waited a little, right? But it didn’t. I fall to my knees in a pleading prayer that when you open your eyes on the other side, peace will greet you, your sins will be healed with time, and that our love can reach you, soothing your soul, which will rest in serenity.

As long as we're together, it doesn't matter where I am, right? Nor where you are now.

I believe nothing is an accident for God, although I still can’t believe everything that has happened before my eyes and in my adolescence. I know it’s my duty to keep the part of your heart that you lent me, which now belongs to me. And even though it cuts like a dagger, my heart is filled to the brim with love.

Yes, I will be strong with every breath I take. Your journey ends here, but your legacy and history will span decades. Home is where the heart rests...

Rest in peace, angel."

VERSÃO EM PORTUGUÊS >>>>> (portuguese version)

Salva por um estranho. - Texto dedicado ao Liam Payne.

Eu precisei tirar um tempo para procurar onde foram parar minhas palavras. No canto do quarto onde dancei as primeiras músicas da banda sobre alguém que poderia me amar "mais que isso"? No pôster colado ao lado da minha cama, que será a maneira de lembrar dele durante todas as minhas manhãs? Das batidas de canções que salvaram uma vida? A minha e a de alguns milhões pelos continentes que eu ainda não consegui alcançar?

As memórias não se conectam aos pensamentos, a dor perdida na correnteza das mais belas alegrias, os doces anos da inocência genuína. E agora mesmo eu quero gritar absurdamente alto, porque palavra alguma inquieta meu espírito.

A doçura tingida em sua voz nunca poderá ser alterada, nem pelas forças do mal, ou pelo implacável tempo. O destino é engraçado e irrevogável... A vida gosta de jogar bolas curvas, transformando longas estradas em esferas. Tudo o que sei escrever é sobre a morte interna. Eu não estava pronta para o que estava por vir...

Quem poderia supor? "A vida tem dessas." Certamente poderia ser pior, mas nunca dizemos o quanto poderia ter sido melhor. O pior é uma espera, mas o melhor é uma oração. E o que sempre me pegará será ver a escrita: "1993 - 2024".

A morte é o que une as pessoas, pois é a única coisa que espera a todos de maneira análoga, caminhando silenciosamente ao nosso lado.

--------------------------------------

Parte especificamente para Liam.

"Se eu tentar gritar e conseguir que algum som saia dos meus pulmões, você conseguiria me ouvir? Continuo a dançar no meu quarto, desta vez mais sozinha que nunca. Espero por sua volta, que, desdenhosamente, não virá, mas de alguma forma consola meu pequeno e agora murcho coração esperar, assim como a maldição das nostalgias que prometem trazer os velhos tempos de volta, mas nunca o fazem. Eu não queria te deixar ir, mas passei tempo demais planejando incessantemente como perseguir o sucesso, mesmo me desfazendo em medo. Traçando uma fuga com destino ao passado quando sentia que já não era mais a mesma, trancada num apego letal e vívido.

Sinto que nunca pude realmente te tocar, mas, mesmo sem a ponta dos seus dedos, você tocou a parte mais profunda e íntima do meu coração.

Querido Liam, estamos todos orgulhosos do amor que espalhou em seus anos de vida, como doou sua voz para contar histórias que estão enroladas por fios cobertos de ouro maciço. Por ser o 'Daddy Direction', pelos rumores de sua aversão por colheres que, toda vez, me faz rir ao encarar uma, por sua jovem e ingênua paixão pelo Batman, Toy Story e camisas xadrez! Por sempre ter sido e ser o nosso vermelho...

Você me faz forte, e 14 anos não durariam para sempre, nem para mim, nem para você. O amor e a terna maneira com que sempre tratou seus admiradores e fãs me aquecem de certa forma.

O Paraíso poderia esperar um pouco, certo? Mas ele não o fez. Eu caio de joelhos em uma oração suplicante para que, quando você abrir seus olhos do outro lado, a paz o receba, seus pecados sejam curados com o passar do tempo, e que nosso amor possa chegar até você, acalentando sua alma, que descansará em serenidade.

Contanto que estejamos juntos, não importa onde eu esteja, certo? Nem onde você está agora.

Acredito que nada seja um acidente para Deus, embora eu ainda não acredite em tudo o que aconteceu diante de meus olhos e minha adolescência, tenho como dever guardar a parte do seu coração que você me emprestou e agora está dada. E, mesmo que corte como uma adaga, meu coração se encontra cheio até a borda de amor.

Sim, eu serei forte em cada respiração minha. Sua jornada acaba aqui, mas seu legado e história atravessará décadas. Casa é onde o coração descansa...

Descanse em paz, anjo."

[arizonaconservativegal]

as someone who hasn't been paying a ton of attention to politics this go-around (been busy lol), why do you think Trump attracted more Hispanic, Jewish, and Black voters this time? Do you think it was fiscal appeal or what?

I think Jewish voters moved largely due to the left's complete failure to condemn and tamp down antisemitism within their ranks, while we welcomed them with surprisingly open arms.

I think Hispanics have been a long time coming and I wouldn't attribute that to just Trump, though he helped. That is a demographic that is very well aligned with us in terms of their beliefs and values but hasn't voted for us - partly because we have ceded them to the Dems for decades, just assuming they wouldn't be with us. We've finally started to put some effort into reaching out to them a few years ago and that's beginning to pay off. The economy is a big factor for them - they're a very entrepreneurial demographic and they value opportunity. Education goes with that but was less of a factor this year, I think. They don't mind us talking about border security - they tend to be supportive of that, actually - but I am surprised they didn't have a bigger problem with Trump's deportation talk. And some of these crazy social policies from the Dems are really offensive to a heavily conservative Catholic demographic like Hispanics.

Black voters are interesting here. I imagine that's mainly the economy again but probably a bit Trump's criminal justice reform and a general aversion to the way Kamala and her team talk down to them. I'd guess also that some folks are reaching a "what do we have to lose" point. I'm not confident about those guesses though - we don't have a lot of black voters here so I don't spend a lot of time digging into what drives them as a group. All I could really say with confidence is what my individual black friends think but I wouldn't say that's a representative sample and not large enough to really extrapolate from lol.

(also blanket apology for talking about millions of people like they're a monolith, that always feels gross to me but for the sake of a quick tumblr post and not an in-depth white paper or personal conversation, here we are)

[tatti-enthusiast]

i mean this in the most genuine way possible and i'm being really really serious when i say that... trying to understand! what is the point of the asexual label if you both Want To Have Sex & Experience Sexual Feelings? i guess i just don't understand how someone like that could be asexual/what the utility of describing yourself that way is. and i know people say like "asexuals can enjoy and want sex" but like that's just a Random Person's Statement...how does it relate to the label & what's the pt then...what is communicated when you say "i'm asexual" if that means "but i also experience sexual feelings/libido and want to have sex"... to me that would be like being "i'm a gay man but i am horny for girls and want to sleep with them" like well then what meaning does that label hold...why use it if it communicates nothing... sorry i really don't mean for this to be rude & i realize it is im just trying to figure it out

Let's break this down using the gay man example:

sexually attracted to: other men ✅

libido/sex drive: obviously varies person to person but our hypothetical example person has fairly high libido ✅

enjoyment of sex/desire to have sex be part of his life: yes ✅

Next, let's consider an ace who is sex-averse or sex-repulsed:

sexually attracted to: nobody ❌

libido/sex drive: none/low/choose to ignore due to repulsion ❌

enjoyment of sex/desire to have sex be part of their life: no ❌

Now, let's look at me:

sexually attracted to: nobody ❌

libido/sex drive: some, I would say medium-low ✅

enjoyment of sex/desire to have sex be part of my life: yes ✅

Asexuality definitionally means lack of sexual attraction. For some people, it comes with a side of not wanting anything to do with sex in general. For others, it makes them indifferent to sex: it can be fun, but so can a million other things, and sex probably isn't very high on that list. And some are like me and experience some level of sex drive and actively enjoy sex but even so, that desire is not prompted by or directed towards any specific person.

I do not know what it's like to look at a person and go, I'd bang them, or, I wish they did things to me, or, please God I need them so bad, or whatever thoughts sexual attraction arouses in people; I wouldn't know, because I do not experience it. That's what makes me ace.

When I have sex with another person, it's because we both want it or feel up to it at the same time, and because it's fun, and because we've mutually agreed that sex is a part of our relationship and it's okay to ask for it when you want it. But the desire that prompts me to ask someone if they're up for sex is directionless, not aroused by them or anyone else in particular. I like having partnered sex and usually have a great time, but that's because of things like being comfortable with that person, knowing each other's likes and dislikes, mutual respect, and communicating our desires often and in detail; not because I'm turned on by the thought or act of having sex with them specifically. Similarly a gay man may enjoy being sucked off by a woman because it feels good even though the attraction is not there -- not all gay men would, but then not all aces enjoy sex either. That's what it means when I say I'm ace.

I also don't fantasise about other people. Imagining having sex with another person or that my own hands are somebody else's hands does nothing for me. It's entirely uninteresting and cannot hold my attention, let alone arousal. My solo sex fuel is usually erotica on ao3 but regardless of the format, it's the sexual acts and the feelings they produce that turn me on, not the people doing them. The first time I masturbated, I was 14 and had just watched Black Swan. The sex scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis turned me on like nothing ever had, but it wasn't about Natalie Portman or Mila Kunis. It was about what they were depicted as doing and most of all what doing those things made them feel. The mechanics of sex and the people responsible for them are only important to my arousal insofar as that is what elicits the feelings. This is what being ace means to me.

It took a long time for me to understand and even longer to internalise that I was ace, because I thought my experience was close enough to an allosexual* experience to not really count. Fact is though, allo behaviour is often incomprehensible to me. Finding someone else's body sexually attractive in and of itself is the stuff of stories, as far as I'm concerned. Incidentally, I do go through cycles of sex repulsion and indifference, usually directly after having sex (solo or partnered). The cycles can last from days to weeks, and they may be a byproduct of my asexuality**, but they're not the defining feature. The cycle always loops back around to being sex favourable again, and my sex drive emerging again, but my lack of attraction is always the same. (Now this is not the case for everyone on the ace spectrum, and for that you can look up demisexuality and greysexuality/grey-asexuality, but this is already long so I'm not gonna go into that here.)

I wanted to illustrate this issue from as many angles as possible. Hopefully at least one approach answered the question in a way that resonated, or, best case, you and others with similar questions gained a fairly broad understanding of the ways asexuality can manifest in a person's life even when they have a libido and enjoy sex. You said you wanted to understand so I gave you the benefit of the doubt; I hope you have approached my answer with a similarly open mind.

*allosexual means a person who experiences sexual attraction

**allo people can be sex repulsed or sex indifferent too; I've seen this most often come up in the context of trauma but I don't see why this variation wouldn't extend to them in general just the same as variation in the strength of libido does