#i guess i am in a queer server on discord

[angelgendered]

Critters? Where are you?

So I'm back in my critical role era.

I know historically my posts about CR and wanting to find people active in the fandom have fallen on deaf ears for some reason, but I'm going to try again because I'm getting back into the fandom in a hyperfixation-y kind of way and I need more about it on my dashboard.

I'm Oli (he/him), 32, some of my posts are NSFW/NSFT/suggestive, I'm trans masc and queer and I have the bigest dumbest crush on Percival, Mollymauk, Ashton, Vax, Caleb and Orym. (Guess who also give me big gay crushy feelings above table? Pfff... I'm so transparent.) Disclaimer: I do also adore a lot of the ladies too, but not in the big gay crush way.

I'm nearly up to date on the current campaign and watch VM and TMN when they were current, and am on my third or fourth rewatch of VM. I'm also going to restart my third rewatch of TMN as well soon. I've also seen all of the current TLOVM stuff and am excited for more! I've also seen all of the side campaigns and one-shots at least once, and am gonna start my Beacon membership Soon(tm).

In short, I'm looking for friends, followers, mutuals, and people to follow. IDC if you're an artist or writer or some kind of other fanwork-maker, or if you just reblog stuff and like to chat. I'd love to follow you either way!

My dash is devoid of Critter stuff save for people like the official artists, and browsing the tags is beyond me due to low mental spoons lately. If you could like and reblog this if you also like Critical Role, that'd be great! I'll likely follow anyone who makes posts about any campaign or just TLOVM or any combo of those things :>

I am also seeking Discord servers to join! Ship based, character based, or just a chatty place to meet other fans, I'd love some links!

[bfpnola]

Hey! This is @reaux07 and I just wanted to re-introduce our org! I am the current executive director of Better Future Program (BFP), a 501(c)(3) youth-run nonprofit headquartered in Bulbancha on Chahta Yakni and Chitimacha land. We envision a future in which youth are not only empowered to challenge oppressive hierarchies each day, but to create new, innovative, and inclusive frameworks of community care and intersectional justice.

Since 2016, our team has been dedicated to educating the masses on various academic subjects, mental health, and most importantly, social injustices that affect today's youth. We even offer over 3,000 free novels, movies, podcasts, and more just to fulfill this goal.

Here's the catch though! Since BFP is youth-run, many of our volunteers are students. During both the holidays and the start of each semester, we always experience a dramatic drop in participation, often meaning our workshops go from being run by 65 people to just 3 or 4. Currently, this is unsustainable for both our organization and our individual mental health. That's where YOU come in.

We need more volunteers! We'd like to not only fill up all of our leadership roles but have more than enough participants to allow each person's responsibilities to be greatly lessened. This would mean we could continue serving marginalized communities, uninterrupted, internationally, while still allowing volunteers to take breaks! We are only human. And even more so, many of us are only teens or children! We need your help.

And guess what? We have a $5,000 grant as gifted by the American Civil Liberties Union of Louisiana as well as nearly $600 in donations, all to go towards commissioning marginalized artists, mutual aid networks, and so on. Help us develop these plans further so we can service YOUR community today (e.g. we are currently sponsoring a chest binder drive for a local high school).

If you are interested in filling a leadership role, applying as a general volunteer (no specific responsibilities), or are simply interested in learning why we use a committee-based, horizontal organizational structure, tap here. There is something for everyone, promise!

And if you are interested in interacting with our community, our Discord server is linked here and our Linktr.ee below:

Please share to help support a Black-, woman-, queer-, disabled-, and youth-run organization!

[dumbpuppycatgirl]

how do I tell if I’m trans

(sorry your my only transfem moot (I think))

Short answer:

I know because being a girl(-adjacent being) makes me happy. Moving towards happiness helped me (even though i sabotage myself at every step every day)

See also:

https://amitrans.org/

https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com/

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en

My full story under the cut:

My story starts in 2020, like so many modern trans stories do, when i was stuck online and found a new community where someone came out as trans. I asked her a lot of questions and she told me to experiment.

So i experimented, i bought skirts and other clothing online; bought like an anime school girl outfit because idk cute?

I started pretending to be a girl on reddit and discord when i joined a large overwatch server under a mew account, trying out several names.

On reddit i also started looking into trans memes and started reading experiences of trans people.

Within a few months i had made a first decision for myswlf really sternly: i do not want to be a guy.

I started talking about it with my therapist and she was very helpful and supportive.

The community i joined at the start of this story i found more friends and more queer friends and we were joking around having fun.

A real life friend bought some make up for me when i talked with her about me questioning, which was very nice but even 3 years later i have barely actually used any of it. I am terrified of make up, and hate seeing my face. Always hated seeing my face.

In my reading and relating to trans stories i stumbled upon the three websites linked above. The genderdysphoria bibke eslecially was extremely helpful.

After making that first decision around december 2020 and getting help from resl life people around early 2021 it still took forever to answer "if not a man, then what?" Im not sure i have the answer now. What i have figured out now that i have tried make up, wear more femme clothing, go by a fem name and changed my legsl gender is that im generally much happier being a woman.

Im not sure im a woman, or at least maybe not always, but "woman" is much much closer to what i 'am' than "man", if that makes sense.

During the second half of my questioning phase, when i read the dysphoria bible, i started realising that mayyyybe there were hints during my childhood... wanting to play a girl character during the one singular open theatre day i attended when i was like 11 or so might have been a clue.

I realised that my obsession with TF-TG comics was not a cis thing lmao. I realised that men generally dont feel "cursed" to have the body they have.

I did make some changes to my body over time, though, as i started living on my own also in 2020 to be a student i had much more freedom to do things secretly. Bought jewelry to wear inside only, and dyed my hair, which was amazing.

During the summer of 2021, my cousin got married, and i had to wear a suit, of course, which felt painful. Cementing my not wanting to be a man feeling. Dead eye smile all the way.

Later that year i had some talks with my brother about feeling so extremely limited in my choices for clothing and expression and what not and that being a man felt like a prison. He was very nice about it and said that clothing is not gendered if youre not a coward. I liked that a lot.

Soon after i came out as trans fem to my close online friends (none of who were surprised). Meer my now boyfriend that winter and everything was great.... except no one irl knew.

Still took me 3 months to come out to my neighbours (student living so i spent a lot of time with them) and my family. Both coming out messages were sent over WhatsApp at like 2 am and turned off my phone and locked the door. Coming out is hard.

Since then, now 2.5 years later, it had not been all roses and sunshine. But it has been better. I started to feel like i was a person, i started being able to think about a future, beyond extremely surface level, "guess, I'll get a job somewhere and get s house idk". My dad remarked that i stood much more upright when wearing my dress than when boymoding.

My parents luckily took it extremely well, they kinda also had to, as since my coming out my 2 brothers have also been fruity lmao. Within 6 months my family went from "good christian family with 3 sons" to having a trans girl, a gay and a femboy. Im still convinced my mom is an egg. I like my queer family.

Anyway, moral of the story is this: experiment and do what makes you happy. I still dont know how to label myself completely but that is also not too important. Im much happier with myself now than before.

[darklinaforever]

I don't know what's going on but saying 'your community' is delusional. You have made a fuckload of enemies in the HOTD fandom over the past two years, a ton of people have you blocked and you come out with so much bullshit I swear you're trolling sometimes. This week you were outed as a pedo defender which is worse than your anti LGBT rhetoric over Micaela. People hate your guts which you probably know anyways. Our Discord has a private server literally dedicated to ripping you apart for our own amusement because you are so delusional. And yeah our friends have also had threats from your pathetic lameass syncophants because they can't handle the fact we ship Rhaenyra with Alicent and not your fave toxic boy Daemon. I guess you're calling them your community now lol. If you copied someone then they must be as dumb as you are and we have no sympathy for them. They must be really desperate to hurt themselves over you lol

You are literally crazy. Without a doubt.

Then, I never defended pedophiles. You are deliberately distorting or misunderstanding my words.

The fact that I don't like the gender change from Michael to Michaela has nothing to do with anti-LGBT rhetoric.

I am a bisexual woman of color. I have tons of queer ships, I even exhibited some on tumblr. And I regularly get full of queerbaiting. How the hell am I anti LGBT ?

You are ridiculous.

I never encourage my subscribers to harass anyone. I am not responsible for actions that I don't even know exist.

At least if it really happened. And unless I have solid proof, I think I'm going to choose to believe that my followers didn't do such a thing.

And oh, are you a Rhaenicent fan ? How fucking surprising...

Then I didn't plagiarize anyone.

And if unfortunately this person really hurt themselves, I find it alarming that you find it funny ?!

If you copied someone then they must be as dumb as you are and we have no sympathy for them. They must be really desperate to hurt themselves over you lol

That tells me enough about the true nature of these anonymous messages.

You're just another wave of hatred trying to bring me down.

Anyway, we see how much you are disturbed by simple words :

Our Discord has a private server literally dedicated to ripping you apart for our own amusement because you are so delusional.

You are really disturbing. But apparently I'm the one who harasses people. It's the world upside down.

[wingedcatgirl]

i've edited my current pinned post into so many different things that i should probably just make a new one rather than edit it some more, so:

i'm just gonna get what enjoyment i can out of this site until it goes away. i'm probably overly pessimistic about when that will be, but regardless of that it's a good idea to connect with me elsewhere if you enjoy my presence.

find me on dreamwidth (rip cohost). consider using retroshare, even. if enough people move maybe the funny shitposts will live somewhere else instead and we can be free.

oh yeah and if you like forums we have one. it is not super alive but your presence might be able to help change that

also we have discord. you can ask for our @ if we're friends (read: have interacted twice ever) or our server links if we're acquaintances (read: you're not a spambot)

all that said. since i'm here, things i'm into include final fantasy xiv, fallen london, tales of symphonia, terraria, kingdom hearts, puyo puyo, miraculous ladybug, cats (the animal, not the musical), and being queer and awesome. i write fanfic sometimes and am also vaguely attempting to work on original fic, so hello to writblr as well. i might add tags for some of these later

fallen london character list because i'm remembering how much i enjoyed this game:

Inessa Fonseca, the Curious Lady (main, Light Fingers, Midnighter, non-canon Seven-Fold Knock someday when i feel like tormenting myself)

Inessa Fonseca in a rather more dire timeline (Seeking alt except the Seeking is canon so maybe the other Inessa is the everything-except-Seeking alt? Heart's Desire)

Lucky Kity (cat, Bag a Legend, I saw @waterlogged-detective's Boots the Cat and was like "CAT!!! i have a recurring cat character what if there was ANOTHER cat in london")

Lila Rossi (sure, crossover roleplay account for our Nemesis alt, i guess) (don't expect her to be as active as dire!Inessa and Lucky)

oh yeah and we do roleplay and ask memes on the sideblog @elakha-house-cube

[jmtorres]

i'm so fucking tired

i don't want to talk about the war i don't want to go ask people who's side they're on, whether they think one side deserves to be attacked

i do want to know if people i consider friends would turn on me if it came up. i don't want to bring it up in order to find out. but i also don't really want to be surprised later.

I joined a discord server for a fandom this weekend. like i am absolutely not going to bring up international politics on a fandom server, even if i were remotely interested in discussing the subject it is OBVIOUSLY not an appropriate forum. but it just occurred to me that i don't really know 99% of these people, they are new acquaintances not longterm friends, and i guess if all ever talk about is fandom it doesn't matter but wouldn't it be fucking weird to be chatting about your favorite slash pairing with someone and then someday find out they think you and your kind deserve to die

i've been loud about being queer on the internet for more than half my life, as a teenager i used it as a litmus test to see if people were worth my time. i don't feel like i can do that about being jewish and I'm trying to parse why. like i think? it's because? the assumptions people make are wronger? like: as a little babydyke on the internet, what were people going to assume--that my lifestyle was in defiance of god and i'm going to hell for liking girls? says more about what that person thinks about god than what they think about me tbh? versus if I'm loud and proud about being a jew in the internet now, a not insignificant chunk of people will either assume that that means I support genocide or demand that i perform being their idea of a "good jew" and denounce my fellow jews to their satisfaction. it's a whole different ballgame and i don't wanna play it.

i don't want to tag this i don't want randos in my notes about it but i don't want to throw it at people who are on tumblr for a good time so here's some keywords i hope you have filtered if you don't wanna see it. antisemitism. israel. palestine. zionism. discourse feels dumb but why not.

if you didn't know i'm a queer jew, i guess you haven't looked at my headers lately. if finding that out makes you want to ask me about my politics before it's okay to associate with me, please ask yourself why you think interrogating me is all right rather than actually doing it.

if you wanna reassure me i don't have to prove to you that i'm a good person, that would be kinda nice.

[cloudbrooksblog]

i am :pinched_fingers: THIS CLOSE to blocking the hazbin/helluva critical tags. its so fucking irritating to read that shit, cause most of it is just nonsense! things that don't matter! "Oh no viv likes the main character and his love interest! is this why people who hate the main character are portrayed as antagonists?" like holy shit its so annoying. the show is called "helluva boss" guess who the boss is.

and then with hazbin hotel, some of the criticism i understand (like specifically the parts about racism are points i can't argue against. cause every POC i see is agreeing with it and im white so like,, who the fuck would i be to say "erm actually" about it) but the other criticism is like... "theres too many stereotypes" "angels theme song is too stereotypical" like ok some things are stereotypes but look at the parts of the characters that you're laser-focused away from. people talk shit about the bad queer rep, but like. idk man, hazbin hotel as a show hasnt come out yet. Helluva boss has some criticism against it i guess, not as much as hazbin... that might be because there's less to criticise, but i also feel like that might be because hazbin isn't out yet lmao.

and this is the thing i hate about the internet, they dont enjoy new media, they analyse it to see if theres anything that annoys them, and then if too much annoys them they shit on it endlessly because shitting on things as a group is fun.

literally people are seeing how a24 is agreeing to the asks of the unions and the first thing they do is post about how they hope vivziepop promotes the show more.

maybe wait until the show comes out! stop making yourself stressed about the future of the show! have a little patience! I know its been "yeeeears" but for fucks sake we GOT a release date. vivziepop never promised a release date before now, and now we have an estimated release date, so why not chill? why feel so entitled?

i swear. whenever a new episode of helluva boss comes out, i race to the socials to just have fun with the community that enjoys the same show i do. i think "oh boy i sure do hope i've gotten here before the haters". if it wasn't like this, maybe i'd be less irritated about the more general discourse, but this is the situation we are stuck with. Do these people realise there's an actual... regular fanbase? Like, there's a fanbase for this show that engages with it normally. We speculate on where it might go, we talk about what we like about the show, and some of the things that missed the mark (in discord servers etc). Then inevitably a viv anti comes in the discord, causes a storm in the "discussion" channel, and leaves declaring that we are brainwashed. chill maybe

[verinqueerstake]

We need to talk about the mods for the Queerward Discord server.

Now, let me premise this by saying: I understand that moderating a server of hundreds of people from around the world with differing identities is difficult. I’m grateful I haven’t had that experience. Further, I consider myself friendly with several of the mods. I don’t think I could call most of them “friends” properly, but I do care about their wellbeing and I know that they are in a difficult position.

However, that does not justify the bullying and abuse of power I have seen and heard of from my friends, and I can no longer sit quietly by while these same people continue to have that power, limited as it may be in the grand scheme of things.

I have no receipts, both because I was never planning on making a “call-out post” and because I am choosing to protect, as much as possible, the identities of my friends who have been hurt at the hands of the mods, so you may choose to take what I have to say with a grain of salt, and that’s understandable. But I have to say SOMETHING.

I left the server in April after an incident where a friend with religious trauma (who is still a member of the Church) requested a trigger warning around the phrase “think celestial” and the celestial kingdom in certain spaces. As a queer member of the Church, they have been harmed repeatedly by these phrases. To my understanding, one of the mods was upset by this, so several of them argued with this friend as well as anyone who stood up for them, citing that it’s not fair to put a trigger warning on those things because they’re “essential parts of our religion.” Keeping in mind that this is supposed to be a safe space for people of all relationships with the church, from exmo to convert and everywhere in between. While it is a core belief of the church, it also hurts a lot of people, even people still in the church. I left the server that day.

There have been other incidents, both before and after this. A friend who is a survivor of child abuse stated an opinion about how children are treated in the United States. They were attacked for that opinion by several people, including a mod, and then suspended for reminding another friend that they are a survivor of child abuse, and this very directly affected them. Now, I won’t disagree that the way they stated this reminder could loosely have been perceived as a threat, if you squint, but since they had just been attacked for their opinion and were defending themself, I don’t think it’s fair that they were the only one suspended for this incident. In fact, I don’t think they should have been suspended at all.

And let’s not forget “the box.” It’s a specific channel that people who are “in trouble” but don’t need to be muted, suspended, or banned get sent to so that the mods can gang up on them while they have no friends or support. I don’t remember what the channel is called, because fortunately I was too meek and quiet to ever end up there, but I’ve seen multiple friends who were sent there.

We can also discuss the way the mods contribute to purity culture. Despite the fact that there are adult-only channels, talking about kink, even from an educational and safety standpoint, can get you in trouble—and the more intense the kink, the more likely you are to get in trouble. (Did we forget that kink belongs at pride?) Because despite being a place for people with all sorts of relationships to the Church, I guess the fact that it’s primarily Church members means no one needs safe access to kink education? Other sex ed is fine, to a degree; there’s even a specific channel for it. But kink? Heaven forbid!

And the condescending way certain mods will interact with you even when you accidentally break the rules and immediately correct yourself (this one happened directly to me) is incredibly concerning to me. I genuinely think some of the mods are on a power trip.

I’ve also seen instances of ableism, particularly against people with disorders caused by complex childhood trauma (cluster B, dissociative disorders, etc.). I guess some disabilities just aren’t acceptable (sarcasm).

All this to say: they have a hard job, but some of them are bullies who don’t deserve to be mods. I have seen friends with particularly strong tendencies toward rejection sensitivity who have a literal trauma response caused by the Queerward moderation techniques. That is so beyond unacceptable.

If you love the Queerward server, or if you ARE a mod over there, that’s great, but you should also be aware that there are problems. People are getting hurt by the very people who are supposed to protect them. And I think that goes against what Queerward is supposed to stand for.

[teaveetamer]

One more before I go take a break for the day:

I'm assuming this is talking about me, because they've made haha jokes about omegaverse before and AFAIK I'm the only one they've been stalking who has published A/B/O fic.

I am not bisexual

I have never claimed to be bisexual as far as I'm aware, and I have no idea where you would have even gotten the idea from. Is it because I've mentioned going on dates with men before? Because I know I'm about to blow your mind, honey, but a lot of non-bisexual queer women have dated men. It's almost like we live in a cisheteronormative society that expects that from us, so many of us try to do it to "fit in" or to avoid being murdered for not being straight. Or is it just because I like Dimitri? Because again, news flash, it's entirely possible for queer women to like and connect to male characters, too without invalidating their identities.

"Nominally bisexual" translation: They think I'm a straight woman who's just playing with the idea of queerness to be "special" or "fit in.

Even assuming I was bisexual (which again, I am not) what kind of biphobic "pick a side, it's just a phase" bullshit is this? So bisexual people are only valid to you if they're exclusively involved in queer relationships?

I've had plenty of bisexual friends over the years, and guess what? Some of them have been more into men, some of them have been more into women, some of them have been pretty 50/50, and some of them have had it shift over time. And they are all valid members of the queer community regardless, because there's no "right" way to be bisexual.

As for me personally, I can assure you that I am not playing around or trying to seem "speshul" when I say I'm a queer woman. Is this the server for r/Edelgard, or r/TumblrInAction?

I explicitly use the label "queer" because it is what I'm most comfortable with, and it is not your place to try and litigate exactly "what kind" of queer I am so you can evaluate whether or not I am worthy of being treated like a human being.

And just one more thing. Notice the name of that user and the date on that message? What else might Diaphin have been doing on May 18th, 2023?

Oh yeah.

So on the same day you were publicly posting genocide "jokes" and mocking me for getting "triggered" because of my family history, you were also questioning my queerness and mocking me for being a "fake queer" because of my taste in characters/ship content in "private".

And none of this received any backlash from the moderation team of your server or any of your friends until after I spoke up publicly and people defended me from your harassment.

I know your stannie discord server doesn't have a lot of respect for me, but this is pretty low.

[sexiestpodcastcharacter]

Hi! This is probably a little biased, but didn't gable win the round? It lights up as the winner for me, even though it's 50/50? I wouldn't care that much if there hadn't been talk in the Nicky advocate reblogs that there may have been people making alt accounts to vote for Nicky a second time (This is unfounded, as I don't know if anyone actually did in fact do that, but it's just troubling to me I guess)

I don't know if this is the same Anon or not but I'm going to answer this ask here too:

Gable was the clear winner (picked by tumblr because their bar was blue) so only them should continue. And also to the person who wrote the propaganda that Nicky is practically queer,Gable is actually factually on paper on voice on podcast queer. They are also from 1. A much smaller podcast 2. The previously shared screenshot of dndads fans making alt accounts just to vote. It's just a tumblr poll but we should do things well and admit faults.

You're right, Gable did win the poll. There ended up being an odd number of votes so it would have been impossible to have a pure 50/50 split. I previously stated that I would accept Tumblr's rounding, and it would be hypocritical for me to go back on that now. I know there are other Tumblr Tournaments that use an even larger gaps between the characters as a tie. This is the rule I'm running this poll with.

Here's the thing with voter fraud: I don't have a way to check it and people have differing definitions. I would agree that a single person using multiple accounts to vote is fraud, but I've also seen on another tournament someone claim that letting people know about the polls on other social media platforms is also fraud and that is something I have done not only with this tournament (I've shared it on Twitter and Cohost), but back in March I tried to get Lovelace to beat Cecil in fictionpodsexyperson's bracket by going to the Wolf 359 Discord server previously known as the Hell Server (if I remember right).

I think my point got away from me.

What I'm saying is forbidding alt accounts from voting wouldn't stop people from doing so, it would just mean they would be quiet about it on this specific platform. I am not a cop and do not want to spend my freetime policing people on Tumblr.

All I ask is that people do not pay strangers to vote a certain way (blazing posts is okay however) (paying your actual friends is acceptable too but how good of friends are you really if you can't figure out a way to cajole them into voting for your choice without monetary bribes?) (yes apparently this did happen in another tournament).

If you really don't like the idea of Nicky sharing Gable's limelight, think of back when the second place person in US presidential elections would become the vice president. Not that we should treat any aspect of the US Presidential Election system as ideal, especially not the parts relying on the electoral college. Rather, embrace the dysfunctionality of Tumblr polls.

[nicotinzwei]

May

Written very hastily

Third spaces

I really miss third spaces in winter, so now that its warm outside again I really try to use them more. We have a park that’s in between like 3 of my friends and me so we could a just walk there which is so nice. Especially in the city it’s so hard to find spaces that you can be in without having to purchase or consume anything. And I really should use the off time I have to be outside more, I kind of forgot that since I moved to the city.

Seed dating/friending

I went to a speed dating event at our local queer café and it was an experience. I think our braind are not bade to interact with 25 people in two hours. I don’t even think I remember everyone I talked to. The next morning I felt hungover because I was so tired and kept remembering bits of conversations where I don’t know who I had them with. But it was also so interesting to see how I interact with such different people and how different the vibe can be. Like how I can be funny and cool to the first person but just don’t hit it off at all with the second one. I got a handful of matches and my two top picks matched me back and are meeting me for a party at the café today so I’d say very successful and worth it.

 Eurovision

It was Eurovision time! We kinda have this tradition to watch in on discord together and have our own voting. I gotta say this year the songs were only okay and the jury voting was awful. But I love how everyone saw it and bonded over the awful votes together and how Cha Cha Cha is the winner of our hearts.

 Doing peoples hair

I guess I am the hair person of our friendgroup now. Usually I only do mine and my boyfriends hair but a friend wanted to cut their hair to make It easier after surgery and the came to me. So we went out on the balcony and buzzed their head. Before that everyone in the group got to cut off a strand of hair. I even kept one.

Listening party

This happened on the last day of the month. A friend of mine does album listening parties on discord. I got to admit the first album was kind of awful but I’m not going to argue about techno with a server full of trans girls you know. Next time I’ll show them folk punk or something.

(a lot of real life and not media favorites)

[clovercoin]

Girl there's a storm inside of you, I can see the clouds every time you sigh. Starcrossed feeling a bit heavy. :C

---

Starcrossed is feeling mega depressed lately. Just hard to keep pushing forward, but luckily she has lots of pillowings who are here to remind her of the good stuff! Zippity is helping out today~

---

Lil more vent art borrowing my ponysona Starcrossed. Just in a pony mood lately I guess?

I'm just feeling really vulnerable right now, so you'll have to excuse my babbling here.

I've been really shaken to my core about the abuse I face online and it's... All relatively calmed down finally. It's quite for the most part except for random hate-mail or comment to insult me or loved ones around me. I'm just... So tired.

Pillowings were such a huge source of community and joy, I was so excited to share it with the closed species and adoptable creative communities. But since 2019 it's all completely been ripped apart and it's so painful to interact online constantly seeing people openly being anti-fan/terf/homophobic I just... It's like living in my red state home town all over again and being forced into church to "straighten out". How can so many artists I love be accepting of that... So many of my exfriends proudly claiming the anti label. I'm just... heart broken I guess.

I've just been trying to be... Quiet? I guess. Keep to myself. I've thought about quitting and deleting my work online many times. I've thought about hurting myself or just abandoning my life often. I have successfully isolated myself completely where I don't talk to anyone (except for the Cloverse Discord server). And even then it's only in the public formats. I only feel sick and stress when I get messages, even the positive ones. I just panic every time.

And because of everything that has happened in the closed species/adoptable communities, I am just scared. All the time. It never ends. I don't feel supported. I only feel people are watching, waiting for me to fail. I want to believe that's not true, but it's sadly been proven time and time again it is.

I'm not making any big decisions right now. Just venting out my raw feelings because... So many people I know have quit making art, writing, all creative sharing online because of the anti/proship arguing online that has slowly devolved back into removing the queer community as a whole from the public spaces.

I'm still trying. Still trying to create. I've been taking a lot more time offline to just focus on my pets, the housework, and pairing with Prov about the pillowing/cloverse website. He is still actively working on it and says he wants me to move forward with Clo as a story/art/community... I just feel scared talking about it because it's been so long I feel like I a liar at this point. So I don't bring it up too much since I don't understand how to share his programming milestones.

I'm just.. Really really sad. I feel so alone. I'm still trying, but it does feel rather hopeless. Hopeless? I guess maybe I mean pointless...

Right now I just... like drawing. So I'll just draw.

[sleepiestember]

one of my friends asked me last night if HRT changes your sexuality, and i wasn't sure how to give a straightforward answer to that.

my sexuality definitely has changed. i used to staunchly identify as aroace (see: my post history) before i started T-blockers. but now, over a year later? i'm proudly bisexual, and i wouldn't identify any other way. i think part of this was due to my transition, but another part of it was purely about understanding myself and accepting myself for who i am-- and it's likely that that part would have happened either way. i think both sides of the story are important, which is why i think it would be unfair to say that HRT turned me bisexual.

part of what changed is that i look like a girl now, and i am treated by others as a girl. and for me, it feels a *lot* better to be someone's girlfriend than to be someone's boyfriend. i'm dating an amazing person right now, but i can't imagine ever being her boyfriend. i simply can't fulfill that role.

and even ignoring the social effects of transition: the comfort and self-confidence that HRT has given me has made me much more capable of being in a healthy relationship than i ever was before i transitioned. not to mention the effects estrogen has had on the way my sex drive feels, or the way sex itself feels.

but a part of me feels that i would have eventually figured out that i was bisexual even if i didn't transition.

as i said before, i used to identify as aroace. in fact, i started identifying that way well before i started questioning my gender. i started realizing that i was ace when my best friend at the time wore an ace pin while we were hanging out. when i started doing research into asexuality to try and be supportive, i realized that a lot of what i was reading felt familiar. *too* familiar to be a coincidence.

after that, i started immersing myself in the a-spec community and the broader lgbt community. i followed blogs, i joined clubs, i added myself to discord servers. slowly, i started making friends with more and more queer people. and as i started to correct the internalized homophobia and transphobia of my grade school years, i became more and more accepting of my attraction to men-- the attraction that was always there, to some extent, but that i was afraid to explore. i started feeling less ashamed of wanting intimacy, of wanting sex.

(it would be flawed of me to pretend that these two sides of the story aren't linked. becoming more aware of queer experiences helped me accept that i was trans, and being trans helped me be more comfortable with my attraction. it's difficult to fully separate these two halves.)

so, i guess this is my answer to my friend: yes, HRT can undeniably affect a person's sexuality. but for me, at least, there was an equally important process of accepting myself and embracing my queerness that had to happen before i was able to admit to myself that i wasn't exclusively attracted to women.

[wingedcatgirl]

hey there everynyan it's time for a new pinned post again

i'm mintleaf wingedcatgirl, it/she, local snuggly transfem catgirl #2424. i'm an adult but i've made it a policy that the entire internet is not just inherently entitled to my exact age on demand. if you truly must know, i'm sure you can dig up some birthday post i made before i had this policy and work it out yourself.

you may know me from being gay and not going to bed on time.

things i'm into include final fantasy xiv, fallen london (character list down below the cut), balatro (i'm making a mod! go look at it! it's fun!), tales of symphonia, terraria, kingdom hearts, puyo puyo, miraculous ladybug, cats (the animal, not the musical), and being queer and awesome. i write fanfic sometimes and am also vaguely attempting to work on original fic, so hello to writblr as well. a works list is below the cut

we're plural, but the headmates currently don't talk much here. this may or may not change in future. you can always say hi if you wanna

if you wanna find us elsewhere for such reasons as *gestures vaguely at fucking everything about this webbed site*:

your most reliable option is dreamwidth; we don't post there much but we do check regularly so a comment on any of our posts will get our attention

you can ask for our discord @ if we're friends (read: have interacted twice ever) or our server links if we're acquaintances (read: you're not a spambot)

we also have a sorta dead and disused forum, trouble cube. It's There™

but tbqh we don't plan to leave tumblr unless we're forced to. by the entire website being shut down, for example.

below the cut, some lists:

list of some things we're making:

Leaf Story, an OC insert fanfic of Tales of Symphonia (blog tag for it, also)

Minty's Silly Little Mod, a mod for Balatro that adds a new suit (3s) and a bunch of random other stuff because we thought it was amusing

we'll add more to this when we actually do stuff instead of letting it sit on our WIP pile forever

our fallen london character list for fellow fallen london enjoyers:

Inessa Fonseca, the Curious Lady (main, Light Fingers, Midnighter, non-canon Seven-Fold Knock someday when i feel like tormenting myself)

Inessa Fonseca in a rather more dire timeline (Seeking alt except the Seeking is canon so maybe the other Inessa is the everything-except-Seeking alt? Heart's Desire)

Lucky Kity (cat, Bag a Legend, I saw @waterlogged-detective's Boots the Cat and was like "CAT!!! i have a recurring cat character what if there was ANOTHER cat in london")

Lila Rossi (sure, crossover roleplay account for our Nemesis alt, i guess) (don't expect her to be as active as dire!Inessa and Lucky)

sideblogs we have:

@elakha-house-cube, the roleplay blog that currently consists mainly of asks from one friend

a lewd sideblog. mostly for reblogging. you can ask for it if you're cool

[pawtuff]

Hi, I'm in a server with you!

This is anon cause I'm a pussy 😭 PLEASE don't guess who I am I will freak out

I kind of have a crush on you... But I don't know if I should pursue it. I don't know our (chrono) age difference at that makes me nervous. But I also think y'all are super cool and I really want to pursue it.

Sorry if this is cringe I really wanted to tell you without revealing who I am for the reasons stated above.

-🕊️

Hi thank you anon this is really sweet! I'd be fine with pursuing friendship or queer platonic relationships but I'm currently in a long term monogamous relationship despite my being poly leaning. If anything does begin to come out of friendship then I can always discuss opening the relationship with my psys :> feel free to dm me on discord or here I hope you have a nice day <3

[iamnoprogram]

About Meme

>Name: Star or Saturn (main blog @starry-saturn-nights)

>Pronouns: She/They

>Most Active Muse(s): Only muse active currently is Sam. Though Beck is a side muse on this blog and I also have a spidersona ask blog that’s been inactive recently. I’ve also been thinking of making some Program ocs.

>RP Pet Peeves: I haven’t had really bad experiences, especially as of late. I guess god modding/lack of material to work with in replies.

>Experience: Okay, okay, don’t laugh, but my first experience and way I used to rp was through Minecraft creative servers. Specifically Minecraft Java server Creative Fun. I then stopped that and rping around the time I went into high school and am just recently picking up rping again here on Tumblr.

>Preference Of Communication: Either tagging or dm’s for Tumblr. I also have a discord and don’t mind communicating through there! Just ask!

>Best Experience: Rping on Tumblr has been my best experiences so far. Though I did have some wildly fun rps back on that Minecraft server years ago.

>Fluff, Angst or Smut?: Fluff and angst equally. I’m ace spec and don’t do smut.

>Plots or Memes?: I’m usually more of a do as I go kind of person. How I typically write is I have a background set up for my characters, a general barebones plot and just go from there. So I typically really like memes. But I’m not at all opposed to plots and planning.

>Long or Short Replies?: Mostly prefer longer replies cause there’s more to work with, though I don’t mind short replies either, as long as I have something to go off of/and idea of where to move forward.

On the flip side, I tend to write long replies, with my shortest replies typically being around a paragraph long minimum.

>Time to Write?: Whenever I can/feel like it. Though my usual times tend to be either in the morning before I leave for the day or afternoon when I get home.

>Are You Like Your Muse(s)?: I add some of my own traits and quirks to all my ocs/muses. For example, Sam is a chronic skin picker, mainly picking at her fingers and lips, which I do a lot. Sam is also ace spec and bisexual just like me, cause I am incapable of portraying or creating a character without making them some flavor of queer.

Tagged by @spaceandthedigitalfrontier

Tagging: anyone who sees this and wants to do it!