#i gotta take deep breaths
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tw: weight loss
I've been having difficulty losing weight since I've went from 223lbs to 189lbs. I know there's a lot of factors as to why for example, stress, tiredness, laziness, busy working two jobs at a time, and I'm sure lifestyle eating habits as well, but SIGH. I've actually gained 5lbs and I know it shouldn't be a big deal but I just, I'm trying to get back to what I weighted before I pulled my back. I'm not trying to get back to my precovid weight which was 150-155lbs. Yikes, I was way to thin and depleted. However, 170-175lbs sounds good?
I know your body is constantly changing and I shouldn't glorify losing weight, and I'm not, but I am trying to reach a goal to see how I feel, etc.
My mind wants me to start restricting myself from food but I'm constantly waging against it saying "NO." but I'm afraid I might give in :(
I just cooked myself lunch for tomorrow but I don't know why, I lost my appetite and I'm just like staring blankly at the ceiling wall contemplating everything.
Also, I think I'm finally going to cut my hair in the first week of December. It's been long enough and my hair is way too big. I'll take a selfie sometime and just post it here as evidence. Plus, Tumblr is my "journal" and this is the longest I have ever gone without cutting my hair.
SIGHHHH. I'll do my best to figure this out
#gosh i'm so freaking alone in this battle of eating#i gotta take deep breaths#SIGH#personal#oh#i've been doing the 1000 pushups in November for St Jude's Children's Research Hospital and i have been enjoying it!
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You've never done that when I got close to you before. Why? None of your business. Tell me, or you can't leave.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 10
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#uservid#userspring#userrain#pdribs#userspicy#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#every time i color this scene i get stronger. anyway there were so many expressions i just couldnt leave out. the deep breath ai di takes#steeling himself before admitting it. & the way chen yi absorbs it the way he blinks away & his mouth opens before focusing on ai di again#thinking about it. thinking about four years of attacks ai di had to withstand. understanding the way he is now but hating how its happened#and also the guilt hes gotta feel from that! & yet thats overcome in this moment by a need to not let ai di put a wall between them#which is what ai di keeps trying to do. he admits a vulnerable thing and then deflects FOUR TIMES in this scene. first when sleeping#& choking chen yi when woken(& avoiding when questioned abt it). second by dropping his guard & worrying when he finds chen yi injured#& twice more shown in this set. he has to shake it off he has to put his wall back up but his instincts are strongest & chen yi SEES them.#you can see the way ai di wants to relax into that hug. the way he just wants to BREATHE but instead uses those breaths to defend himself#he chooses to flirt hoping it'll make chen yi back off. hoping he'll stop asking him to be vulnerable. but chen yi knows his tricks now.#and hes not going to let ai di continue believing he doesnt CARE about him. its poetic the way he gives him a taste of his own medicine#like it's *strategic*. he watches and learns. he knows his own influence over ai di he knows that HE is ai di's weakness. it's..chef's kiss
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I gotta talk about how unnecessary the Viktor and Jayce time loop was. How easily it could have been avoided. How easy it would have been to keep their characters in line with the themes of all of the rest of Arcane, while keeping them in Piltover and Zaun.
You know what would have been the most Arcane-esque plotline ever? Viktor and Jayce breaking away from any broader conflicts to become obsessed with their personal conflict in an infinite cycle of hurt and violence, then reconciliation, then hurt and violence again, and then rinse and repeat. Whatever personal conflict they could have chosen to write the show around. Humanization vs. dehumanization, what progress means, their partnership, anything.
Why stick them in a cosmic time loop paradox with world-ending stakes when they could be painfully intimate and flawed, the antithesis of the cycle that Vi and Jinx break out of for example? "Hex" means curse and if they cursed the world with Hextech then why not curse them with each other over conflicts that are resonant with our real world and will probably never be fully resolved? Now that's a Greek tragedy. And they could stay in Piltover and Zaun respectively, keeping the politics and tentative peace thorny and interesting for storylines to pull from forever into the future if the writers wanted. Jayce needing to navigate the complexities of a relationship with Mel, a leader fallen from grace and an instigator and a symbol all in one, while fighting with his obsession. Viktor struggling with a sincere desire to help others while being unable to stop himself from using them for his own progress and ends because of said obsession. Using his own hands and his own tools to build himself and others because magic and the powers that be have let him down every time, please god. Whatever. Something.
#i could write many unhappy paragraphs about viktor and jayce because both of their characters were nowhere to be found in act 3#but i've gotta take deep breaths i swear#viktor and jayce#viktor#arcane#viktor arcane#jayce talis#spoilers#arcane spoilers#arcane s2#arcane critical
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a-ny words of ad-vice for some-one a-bout to be sent off to be-come a helms-man soon?? it was al-ways my dream.... un-til i found out what it tru-ly means - DS
ii'm not goiing two wa2te your tiime wiith condolence2 bc thii2 2hiit ii2 ju2t iineviitable for people liike u2. 2o 2ound2 liike you ju2t deciided two roll over and diie whiich mean2 you've 2ucce22fully 2kiipped over the fiir2t 2tep whiich ii2 enjoy the tiime you have left and pretend iit'2 not happeniing. bc that'2 not goiing two get you anywhere.
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Cry whIIle your lung2 can 2tIIll IInflate--
or ii gue22 you could 2ee iif a hiighblood wiill deiign two hook you up wiith a fake vii2a two the far coloniie2. never met anyone that triied two do that and liive though. once the drone2 arriive that'2 iit. my adviice ii2 two...
--a2 mournIIng the pa2t 2hall be dII2couraged movIIng forward IIn your career a2 a helm2man. DrIInk--
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...eat before you go 2o you can puke or 2ometh a2 one la2t act of rebelliion bc you're goiing two forget your own name iif the programmiing work2 riight.
--plenty of electrolyte2 2o they can fIInd your veIIn2 ea2IIer two make the proce22 a2 paIInle22 a2 po22IIble before you become part of our glorIIou2 EmpIIre
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iidk. ii'm not the be2t per2on two a2k bc ii got out. iit'2 not 2omethiing you can really prepare for.
Not 2ure why you a2ked thII2. II have been here 2o long that my corporeal lIIfe no longer hold2 relevance two me.
#homestuck#homestuck au#interrogatormentors#interrogatormentors au#askblog#sollux captor#the helmsman#the psiioniic#Helmsman Translation:#(Screaming notes ripped from the throat of mercy caterwaul to She on High who heeds not your wail nor your)#Cry whIIle your lung2 can 2tIIll inflate#(with pustulant fluid pulsing with what fury you can summon for your fury will fall upon the deaf ears of thousands#that feel your dying breath in each building block of the society of pupae left behind)#a2 mournIIng the pa2t 2hall be dII2couraged movIIng forward IIn your career a2 a helm2man. DrIInk#(deep and descend from your guiding star to take the hands of this child‚ O Sufferer.)#plenty of electrolyte2 2o they can fIInd your veIIn2 ea2IIer#two make the proce22 a2 paIInle22 a2 po22IIble before you become part of our glorIIou2 EmpIIre#(of salt and misbegotten spacetime shall fade back into fragile incandescence#as you accept this lost soul into your web of stars for me to grind into grist.)#oh my god the bad thing about psii have a similar quirk to sollux#you gotta pay REAL close attention to keep track if they do a combo move#hoo boy#i know there's an untagged bit of psii's response but it's not in binary#and mod snarky here is being a tired ass stoner so editing tags is hard#shoutout to anyone that catches the lancer reference
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Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).
I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".
#my characters#oops i fell in love#can you guys tell im stressed and hyperfixating on my own fucked up ocs cause i am#also brents nickname at work and in rights phone is fuckwad#and hes like yeah if im called anything else at this point by right its weird and uncomfortable#and when it is finally approached as if paul is only in rights phone as shitty-ex (answer) now that hes an excoworker#what was he in rights phone BEFORE the transfer#and right is like annoying dickwad ... karen is like oh i see thats why you call him a dick still#thats like a nickname from his phone name#and brent has to ask why fuckwad and dickwad and right looks at him and takes a deep breathe before saying#because i like the word wad and it is very comforting bc like a wad of paper ? you can throw it away#and so if i realize i gotta get rid of attachment i wad it up#also dont tell paul that dickwad was a form of attachment or he will never shut the fuck up about it#karen and brent both swear to never mention it to paul#paul is honestly such a weird anomaly in the plot bc he doesnt directly work at the same police station#but he is CONSTANTLY a topic of gossip or annoyance or updates#hes literally karens best friend! aside from chris he was one of the few right worked with who HAD touch privileges before right banned it#hes also just genuinely well liked but no one can actually tell him or he will become insufferable#which is a crime that rick is guilty of once when he meets paul and karen introduces him#and rick is just OH i know that name! youre her best friend#and she looks so betrayed and paul looks so delighted and stunned and radiant over this fact#and rick makes up for it before the night is over which is why karen forgives him - he made paul back in his place#anyway yeah right has lots of fears and hes my bundle of anxiety and i love him and his atrocious nicknames#i think i would die if i gave someone a rude nickname even affectionately irl#also also final note on this ig#since right is a detective and not always at the station its worth pointing out brent and karen just work taking calls and#doing misc other work at their desks which are nearby so they 100% bond and its wonderful#ok i lied final note on them is#for a very long time karen has to check with right to make sure she isnt annoying brent because he doesnt emote well#and shes scared she wont know if shes annoying him please help youre like the only one who reads his moods accurately
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SHAKES HIM
#I said I wasnt going to talk about it and I'm Not lmao. this is not talking about it obviously#shhhhh. im vindicated im upset im pissed at this man#gotta take deep breaths. okay.#fuuuuck#toh#the owl house#luz noceda#amity blight#alador blight#smokey speaks
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Did christian linke actually do anything wrong beyond saying he didn’t see jayvik as romantic or are you guys just losing your shit over a difference of opinion?
#dex rants#genuinely I can’t tell cause you guys are acting like he shot someone’s dog#seriously yall are saying his name like a curse or smthing#unless he actually did something wrong you gotta fuckin calm down#people are gonna disagree with you especially on something like this so what#unless he’s harassing people I don’t see the issue#however it seems like a lot of you guys are starting to harass people instead#I must ask is it really appropriate to turn someone into the enemy over something so harmless?#people view character relationships different all the time due in part to opinion and personal experience#personally I’m jayvik crazy I think of them as painfully annoyingly and frustratingly gay for each other however my friend sees them as an-#extension of his close friendships and how he’d go that far without any romance holding him to it#this doesn’t hurt me nor does it hurt him for feeling that way#but it does hurt to harass someone incessantly and twist words into daggers#you need to learn to move on#take a nice deep breath and say ‘we disagree’ and instead focus on enjoying yourself with the people who agree#christian linke#arcane#arcane spoilers#every year that passes I realize people are so quick to anger#often times they make themselves the most upset with their own feelings#it’s kinda frustrating liking popular mlm ships because so often people resort to arguing over actually enjoying themselves#jayvik I’m so sorry they’re doing this to you#and before you say ‘well what if you held this opinion on [serious matter]???’ we’re not talking about anything else we’re just talking-#about shipping okay?#different situations have different nuance#anyways I’m gonna go make a jayvik playlist and kick n my feet and giggle looking at these fuckin 30 year old men /gen
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thinking abt hands and casual intimacy
lacing your fingers with theirs, putting yours atop theirs and rubbing circles w your thumb, pressing a quick kiss to their knuckles, holding their hand while they're reading and tracing random patterns...
#i just!!!!!#am so weak for this#blushing kicking my feet giggling#i love it#casual intimacy my beloved#reading fics with this has me acting like a fool for real#gotta set my phone down and take a deep breath lmao#jessie talks
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i rlly wish i could mute blogs without blocking cuz i dont want anyone to be mad at me but GOD some peoples takes just piss me off so unbelievably badly
#im incapable of not taking it personally when people SEVERELY mischaracterize saiki k characters#but i DREAD the 'WHY DID U BLOCK *X PERSON*' messages and i also just dont WANT to block certain people. i just dont like their posts.#ive just gotta take a deep breath and move on lmao#im autistic shhh im allowed to be dramatic !! (joking)#its ok cuz i know people feel the same abt me#this is how u know im about to start my period#im even less rational than usual#meows post
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i survived my first pap test. round of applause please
#it wasnt as bad as i expected and my midwife was really nice and helpful <3 she kept reminding me to take deep breaths#also i couldnt stop thinking about how sitting on that godawful chair completely naked from the waist down with socks on#and your whole coochie on display gotta be one of the most undignifying experiences ever dkfbejfnebd#raquel speaks
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"Overwatch's first nonbinary character-" YOU MEAN BASTION? YOU MEAN BASTION WHO CANONICALLY USED IT/ITS IN ALMOST EVERY COMIC/DEVELOPER INTERVIEW UNTIL CIRCA 2020?? WHO WAS ONLY EVER REFERRED TO WITH IT/ITS PRONOUNS IN OVERWATCH 1 EVEN IN THE FUCKING IN-GAME "TIPS" TEXTS THAT YOU GOT AFTER YOU RESPAWNED??? CANONICAL NONBINARY ROBOT WHO USED IT/ITS PRONOUNS UNLIKE ALL THE OTHER ROBOTS WHO USE GENDERED PRONOUNS????
#deep breaths. gotta take deep breaths for this one#absolutely no hate towards the new character of course. happy to see them. but.#never forget what was taken from us.#why am I still posting on this blog? why do I still follow a smattering of overwatch news? the world may never know#overwatch 2
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i love u nekoma & karasuno i love you SO MUCH
#can you tell i just watched the dumpster battle movie#[deep breath] AHHHHHHGGGGHHFHFHFJJFJGKG#ALL THE INTERACTIONS WERE SO FUCKING CUTE 😭😭😭😭#baby kuroo… i forgot how much i adored kuroo oh my god. TEARS IN MY EYES#HES SO FUCKING LAME#he was an emotional wreck this movie. had me giggling#his ass wld NOT leave tsukki alone HELP#omg and bokuto yachi interaction <3#HINATA AND INUOKA I LOVE U SO MUCH#kenma…. this truly was the kenhina movie nobody talk to me#and the mini scene of kuroo and daichi pointing at each other. I DIED!! I DIED!!!!#ourghhhhhh I LOVE THEM ALL SO DEARLY#also the detail of nishinoya moving out of the way when he saved the ball was great. loved that#SUGA 😭😭 HE WAS GOING INSANE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO DEARLY#okay tbh i didnt expect the match to end like that but it’s fine. i was immediately distracted by the FEELS#ALSO OMG. GOSHIKI AND TENDOU WERE SO FUNNY LOL#AND AND NEKOMA THIRD YEARS 😭😭😭 KUROO AND YAKU TEARING UP 😭😭 THEM HUGGING EACH OTHER#IM SOOOO ILL IM SO FUCKING ILL#also the kurodai hug and the kuroo thanking tsukki I FEAR I KEEP WINNING#did i mention the kuroken flashbacks. oh my god. they were so CUTE#BABY KUROO TALKING TO KENMA’S DAD AND HE WAS JUST SO SMALL AND ENTHUSIASTIC UGH 🥹😭#wow. i need to die#wait also. giggles. the kenhina knife scene. 10/10 gayest shit in hq#ahhhh i LOVE THEM#NEKOMA SECOND YEARS TOO. FUKUNAGA U WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS TO ME#anyway u guys shouldve seen me. i was going insane. i was losing it every scene#OH AND THE CREDITS?? kuroshou I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE#‘gotta take a pic to show mika’ this too is kuromikashou or whatever their ship name is#this was the kenhina movie first and the kuroo ship galore movie second /j#anyway i need to go lie down now goodbye
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You said you would always look at me.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 9
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#pdribs#userrain#userjjessi#userspicy#*cajedit#*gif#im fine i say (im a puddle on the floor) sometimes u gotta gif something already giffed to color it your way...& for all the little details#the deep relaxed breath chen yi takes in the first gif Before he recgonizes ai di...yet is still soaking up the sight of him...#vs the third gif where chen yi pulls back just the tiniest increment to get a better glimpse like...wait...ai di.#and the fourth where his eyes flick over ai di's face like... oh. *ai di.* EVERY MINUTE SHIFT IN HIS GAZE MEANS SOOOO MUCH#and ai di too the way he cant meet chen yi's eyes & the tear falling like theres something so poignant abt chen yi having this realization#and ai di not seeing it. but he's still stroking chen yi's arm? the heartbreak in that. the love in that. & then ofc chen yi reaching up#to meet ai di where he is before bringing him back down to him....his eyes opening a fraction when he feels another tear. checking in...#telling him its okay with his kisses. chen yi's hand sliding around ai di's chest to the back of his neck instead. ai di's fingers brushing#chen yi's neck as his tear slides down chen yi's face...how we dont SEE their hands clasp but we see the way they move to make it happen.#we watch as it becomes more and more mutual.... and finally the thing that makes me the most insane:#ai di's tear sliding down chen yi's nose & back to his own face in the last gif. i cant even. talk about that. just... GOD.
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Akira's internal reactions to meeting all of the paladins for the 'first' time (at least in this timeline) is very amusing to me. Like, meeting Shiro is just surreal because the last time he saw him, he was very much in his final season eight form with all that entailed and now he is very much the same guy who picked him out from a crowd and recruited him even though he stole his car.
(Except Keith doesn't do that in this timeline. Shame. It added a unique flavor to their relationship... but also in hindsight, probably made it more likely for Shiro to believe he had in fact, stolen that blade when they went to make an alliance with Kolivan.)
It's just so surreal. Shiro is so young. And he's- he's older than Shiro. Oh god, he's older than Shiro. That can't be right? And yet. He's older than Shiro. What the fuck. He needs to go lie down for awhile.
Lance, Hunk, and Pidge are somewhat less surreal. He's used to being older than them, especially after his time in the quantum abyss. But wow, Pidge is even smaller than he remembered her being. And Allura? He just feels this weird drive to keep her safe.
Actually, he feels this way about all of the paladins- Keith included. Is this how Shiro felt all the time? How the hell did he handle all of this stress? This sucks actually. He's not sure he's ready to be the adult in this situation even though he is quite literally in his early thirties now.
Also, would it kill Keith to stop being reckless FOR FIVE SECONDS!?
#double keith au#akira taking in a deep breath. nope. can't do this#can't get made at myself. just gotta. be patient.#patience yields focus. you can do this kogane#(akira watches Keith fight Zarkon. the same thing he once did but from an outside perspective this time)#akira: what was I *THINKING*
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The exact face I pull while writing graphic smut
#literally some lines I write make me want to fold in half like a lawn chair ncjjfjd#sometimes you just gotta take one for the team#it’s funny though bc when I read other peoples smut i never have that reaction#the second I’m writing my own I’m recoiling#closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before I write something graphic ncjdjxj#sometimes it just be like that I guess#my writing
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every day is a battle. sometimes i win and sometimes i don't.
#today was a win i think#i actually texted my coworker about going to get pierced despite the anxiety#and the fear#and she finally texted back!#idk why my heart started racing tho 😭 calm down bitch we're FINE#gotta just. breathe b#i think it's a combo of anxiety about texting and also that it means im that one step closer to actually GETTING the nose piercing#DEEP BREATHS#i also realize i havent actually told anyone in my family that I'm doing this. lmao.#thats fine#ill probably send a picture to the gc with my mom and sister#and i may send my other sister and/or her partner one#we'll see#i need to take a few moments to calm and breathe so i can text her back now#shh ac
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