#i got too many thoughts about this topic in general but that's like 5 different cans of worms

[sleepy-aletheas]

One of the more fascinating things in gaming over the years is to see how people dismiss or are tired of psychotic/hallucination and delusion driven MCs, who struggle with their trauma and inner conflict that sadly can become an external obstacle.

Randomly remembering how much I liked watching people play 'Layers of Fear' and be completely immersed in it, because "Oh yeah, shit can be wild, right?" just to realize that it's not really a universal experience, and then hearing people thinking of it as cliche or a tired trope is...kinda disheartening. Like yeah, I too get tired of what my brain tosses under my feet; now I would love to have an on/off switch for it like these games allow us to use, please and thank you.

It's not like games can capture my experience 100%, since I am me with my psychosis, and I am not someone else having psychosis; games being more distilled versions of afflictions, conditions, trauma responses, is just one way for interpretation and exploration of those topics. Going into a piece of media expecting a 1:1 representation of me will result in inevitable disappointment. But seeing other versions of it, different angles and associations and feelings attached to it, it helps with reflection and self-improvement, even if that improvement is just in feeling more comfortable with myself or finding new ways to describe things to bridge the gap between me and everyone else.

Is it fun and quirky to see schizophrenics always depicted as inherently harmful monsters that will murder anyone in a fit of rage? No; that part just makes me scared that I'm an inescapable ticking bomb, and that there is no redemption or help for that. It's tiresome, it's demeaning, it sucks all hope out of life that is already demonizing our existence.

Is it fascinating to see different hallucinations and delusions and messed up senses from a 3rd person perspective that I don't have to live through myself? Yes. It helps me catch onto my own episodes, and it makes it less scary to know I can push through it. It also helps to feel more human, more connected to others that aren't like me, but also aren't not like me.

I just wish psychosis and schizophrenia (and related things) were treated as more than tropes, entertainment, or used for shock value. We could have so much media around it, so many different stories and interpretations and outcomes, but we still only get the same three storylines and two outcomes, at best.

[jeonscatalyst]

LET’S TALK ABOUT “ARE YOU SURE?!”

I started doing a very long review of the entire season of AYS but I changed my mind along the way because I have seen so many other people give reviews of the show which I generally agree with so me doing another one just to repeat the same thoughts felt a little unnecessary so I decided to look into some aspects of Jikook’s special bond which AYS practically reaffirmed or which some us might be finding out for the first time. This post is going to be incredibly long so brace yourselves.

These are mostly my observations and some of these observations are not new to me at all. These observations would be supported by mentions of moments from the show or twitter links to see some described moments.

*Jimin listens to Jungkook

I love how Jimin and Jungkook listen and pay attention to each other but it was especially beautiful to see this aspect of their dynamic play out in AYS. I noticed that no matter how unimportant what Jungkook was saying seemed, Jimin always listened to him, validated him and participated in the conversation . The two moments I recall the most (there are more) were from the Jeju episodes. In episode 5 while at the meat restaurant, I loved how Jimin just sat there listening as Jungkook explained to him how to tenderize meat. You could tell that for some reason that topic was important to Jungkook or he loved talking about it and Jimin knew this so he encouraged the conversation by asking follow up questions and Jungkook happily explained things to him. Now I don’t particularly think Jimin was very interested to know how to tenderize meat or all of that but it was beautiful how he created a space where Jungkook felt comfortable enough to just talk about the most simple things knowing that someone was actually listening and paying attention to him.

Then we also have the moment when they all got back from the last restaurant they visited in Jeju. We see Jungkook happily telling Jimin that he saw two bikers on their way home and this was so sweet on its own because things like this show you how innocent and child like Jungkook is because things like that still amuse or excite him but what was even more touching to me was Jimin’s response. Jimin didn’t just stay quiet or just say “ok”or “really” and leave it at that but he actually engaged in the coversation too and told Jungkook that he saw him waving at them. This was really precious to me because it’s beautiful how Jk knows that he can talk to Jimin about any and everything and he would always get a response that doesn’t make him feel like what he is saying isn’t important.

These are things that people easily ignore or undermine but seeing moments like this explains why Jungkook said he found the greatest comfort in Jimin and why Jimin is who he went to when he needed company.

*Jungkook is more verbally expressive around Jimin.

I don’t know if many people have noticed this but when watching BTS content, it is easy to notice that Jungkook is usually quieter among all the members. He doesn’t talk much and rarely ever initiates topics for discussion but just goes along with them. We usually see more of the physically expressive side of Jk when he is around other people but AYS showed me a side of Jk I must I admit I didn’t know too well.

With Jimin, Jungkook is more vocally expressive. We saw him literally take lead of conversations, vocally express how much he loved the show and how much fun he was having, we saw him initiate conversations quite a bit and I must say this felt new ans different from the Jk we know in other content who usually can’t even speak over his hyungs. We usually saw him try to say something and eventually give up, he didn’t vocally express his thoughts much unless he was specifically asked but with Jimin, he is so different. Maybe the more accurate way to put this is that Jungkook is the biggest yapper around Jimin even though he goes quieter with others.

I also love the fact that we don’t only see him vocally express his happiness. I love that we see him express his frustrations at Jimin too. When he is mad at Jimin he doesn’t hide it, when he is not impressed he doesn’t hide it, when he is sad or hurt by something Jimin says or does he doesn’t hide it. This shows a very deep level of understanding and trust because Jungkook knows he doesn’t have to pretend around Jimin. He is sure and secure in whatever bond they have that he is ok with showing Jimin every side of his. His happiness, excitement, pain, sadness, frustrations, anger. This is what an ideal relationship is like to me. This is what a real deep connection feels like to me and seeing Jikook like this melted my heart. I was so happy to able to see this side of Jungkook because it’s not a side we had seen alot.

I love how Jungkook feel comfortable talking about the most mundane things in settings where he feels the most comfortable or with people he feels the most comfortable with. After watching AYS, I got to finally understand why Jungkook loved doing very long lives so much. I think we can all agree that there is a certain level of comfort Jungkook feels when he is Live. He talks about any and everything to us seated on the other sides of our screens watching him. He tells us about the size of Bams poop, tells us about meals he loves to cook, tells us about the most unserious stories about wanting to meet and befriend ghosts, he feels comfortable falling asleep with us watching. When I think about it, I feel like he does that alot because he knows he can just talk and we would just listen without judging or openly judging the things he likes to talk about. Maybe with some friends or actual people in his life, he can’t just sit with them and talk about whatever he wants to talk about because some people might not find the “weird” things he likes to talk about fun or interesting, i mean how many people want to just sit there and hear about meat tenderizing? How many people want to sit and hear or talk about the size of a dog’s poop? How many people would just be quiet and listen to you talk about sand fleas? I think when Jungkook is around people he or settings that he knows he can just be completely himself and talk about whatever he want, he just goes off completely. That is how I see him and Jimin.

*Jikook truly enjoy spending time together

I’m sure many of us already know this but AYS once again showed that Jimin and Jungkook actually love spending time together. I’m not talking about time where they can just meet, do one of two fun activities and then go their separate ways, I am talking about them truly enjoying each other’s company no matter what they are doing. We saw them sticking together, choosing to do almost everything together and going to bed together even when there was another member in the mix. After their showers on those nights in Jeju, they could have just gone and done their different things like we saw tae do but they enjoyed sticking together and doing things together. It makes sense why over the years, we have heard from members and staff that Jikook were together alot. Makes sense why they called themselves all nighter buddies and we saw that dynamic at play in Jeju.

*Jikook have an insane amount of Inside Jokes

This is one nobody can argue. Jimin and Jungkook have an insane amount of inside Jokes and they watch alot of the same things. So many times people around them don’t understand the things they say. Hell even us watching had to wait for people to dig and explain to us what some of the things they said meant.

We saw this at play again throughout the AYS episodes. I love how Jimin and Jungkook instantly get each other and how they immediately pick up what the other is saying while others around them are still trying to figure things out. This is one of the ways you can tell that two people spend alot of time together and know each other deep.

*Jikook don’t need alot to feel happy and to have fun with each other

Jimin and Jungkook are two people who can create fun and happiness for themselves in any situation. They don’t need to be doing any fun physical activities to really enjoy or have fun being around each other. Just a simple drive, a walk, a meal, or just sitting down talking is fun for them. Just a train ride listening to music from the same airphones is interesting and fun to them. They don’t get bored around each other doing the most mundane things. They honestly enjoy the smallest things and as Jungkook said “These simple things were fun” (referring to walking around the streets of Tokyo with Jimin in 2017)

They create their happiness and fun anywhere they are doing anything …..

It’s just the little things….

Little 5 year olds playing after lights out😂

*Jungkook loves making Jimin laugh

This is something we all already knew but seeing it again in AYS was so cute. Jungkook really loves making Jimin laugh and I guess that the fact that Jimin is usually ready to have all his teeth out laughing and any little thing Jungkook does, gives him more motivation. Jungkook doesn’t mind looking like a clown if it means that it will make Jimin laugh. He teases him even sometimes just to get a chuckle out of him.

* Jimin finds Jungkook very endearing

Do I even need to explain this? Sometimes it feels like to Jimin, Jungkook is the cutest, most endearing, funniest person in the world. I don’t think we see Jimin laugh around any other people as much as he laughs around Jungkook. The man is a giggling mess anytime he is around Jungkook and I can’t even blame him because Jungkook sure likes making him laugh. He sometimes gets lost in Jungkook too you know….

*Jikook just get each other

Another thing I noticed again in AYS is how much Jikook just get each other. They don’t need words ti understand how the other feels. Doesn’t matter if they are being silly or serious, they just get what the other person is trying to express.

An example of this would be while they were at the ham and pink sausage restaurant in Jeju, after their little “incident” Jungkook immitated a meme which someone did when he needed an apology and Jimin understood what Jungkook needed immediately just by seeing him immitating that meme, and he apologized.

(First clip from this compilation)

Another moment that showed how much they just get each other was in episode 8 when Jungkook noticed that Jimin felt sad about the trip ending. Jimin didn’t say anything but Jungkook noticed it and starting doing stuff to cheer him on starting from playfully touching his head (even though he knew Jimin didn’t like when his head got touched) and reminding everyone that Jimin doesn’t like it bit he is doing it, to teasing him with the camera in his face infront of the restaurant to opening the windows of the car on their drive to the airport because he knew Jimin had said he goes to cold places when he is is a slump.

Touching his head

Playfully zooming into his face with the camera

Opening the windows to let the cold air in to lift their moods:

We also saw him being soft and reassuring to Jimin after he sensed that Jimin felt bad about the trip ending. What he says here, how he looks at Jimin and how he rubs Jimin’s nape/back trying to comfort him, was so beautiful.

* Jungkook likes zooming into Jimin’s face

Do I even need to explain this part? We’ve seen him do this for years and it was kinda funny to see it again on AYS

*Jimin is Jungkook’s Jungkook!

I don’t even know how to explain this other than saying than showing you this….

Jimin constantly singing Jungkook’s “3D” as “peuriri” and constantly going “standing next to you” every two seconds is so Jungkook of him. Jungkook gets a taste of his own medicine and doesn’t know how to handle it.

*They clearly keep up with each other/ they know each other so well

Contrary to haters beliefs that Jikook don’t keep up with each other outside of content, it is clear that they do. We saw it when Jimin dropped “Face” and we saw it again on AYS with Jimin and singing Jungkook’s song before it was released, Jimin knowing about Jungkook’s schedules, Jungkook knowing about Jimin’s second album release and even seeing the video of Jimin dancing with kids. Infact during the Jeju and Sapporo episodes, it was so obvious to see that those two knew alot about each other’s activities, schedules and plans. You didn’t see them getting surprised after getting information about each other.

To add to this, it was very clear that Jungkook knows what Jimin likes and vice versa. He knew Jimin would like his food spicy, he knew Jimin would enjoy the beef stew he cooked in Jeju. Jimin knew Jungkook would enjoy climbing and racing so he picker that place. Jimin knew Jungkook liked driving abroad, Jimin knew Jungkook had to go to the US to film with Usher etc. No arguments here.

* Jungkook loves to cook for Jimin

We already knew this but this was once again confirmed in AYS.

* The people around Jikook know how much Jikook are around each other.

Over the years, we have heard from members and people around Jikook say just how much time Jikook spend together and we once again got something like that from AYS.

Tae saw Jk do the soju bottle trick and immediately assumed that Jimin taught him. This is something that many people would miss but If Jikook didn’t have a habit of being together alot and drinking together, Tae who actually knows two of them personally wouldn’t have immediately assumed Jimin taught Jk that trick after seeing him do it and the funniest thing is, Jimin said Jk didn’t even learn it from him so why didn’t Tae think of anyone else or even assume that Jk learnt from tiktok or youtube? Why did his mind immediately go to Jimin? Jimin is not the only member or only person connected to Jungkook who drinks Soju. It was interesting getting yet again another confirmation of just how much the members and people around Jikook know about them being together alot.

*Taekook and Jikook are NOT the same.

I’m sure everyone already knows this but watching the Jeju episodes with Vminkook just once again showed how much of a difference there is between Jk bond with Tae and Jimin.

While some jikookers didn’t like the fact that Tae joined Jikook in Jeju, I loved it because I love seeing vminkook together as they are adorable and also because when they are together, you really get to see the difference in their dynamics. It was very noticeable how Tae and Jk bring out the chaos, playfulness and childishness from each other and they have so much fun doing activities together but you could see clearly that those two just don’t gravitate to each other in the same way Jikook do. By gravitating to each other I don’t mean sitting side by sideto have meals and none of that nonsense taekookers consider people gravitating towards each other. What I mean is, even if Jikook are not seated together, it was easy to see how their eyes searched for each other while they talked. While they all discussed, it was easy to see that Jk’s eyes mostly searched for Jimin’s and vice versa, it was easy to see how they mostly talked to and interacted with each other more during meals even though Tae was there. It was easy to see how they usually stayed with each other after their baths and only went to bed together while Tae always went to bed earlier. It was easy to see how when ever they had meals, Jikook would always look to each other to ask “is it good” regardless of whether they were alone or with Tae. They spoke to each other more, interacted more and even when Jk tasted something that seemed familiar to what he had had before, he looked to Jimin to ask if it was what they had at another restaurant at some point.

They understand each other in ways others don’t. They quickly get each other’s jokes while Tae sometimes looked a little lost. They have the same humor infact, you just cannot miss to see the difference when you pay attention. It was as clear as day and night.

It was also clear that unlike Jikook, taekook don’t really feel the need to be around each other much when they aren’t actively doing anything. We all saw how early tae usually went to bed not caring alot to hang around Jk, we saw how much time he spent on his phone even while they all were together, we all saw how even when Jk got out of the pool just after Tae did in episode 5, he didn’t go to shower at the same time Tae did. We Tae leave to shower and go to bed while Jk stayed behind teasing and playing with Jimin before they showered and later went to bed together around 4am. It was the same thing that happened the night before. Jk was clearly thoughtful of Tae and wanted him to feel included but we could see that he didn’t really feel the need being around him much because if he did he probably would have showered and gone to stay upstairs with Tae but he didn’t. He stayed downstairs with Jimin and they only left for bed together while tae was already asleep. This isn’t new as we know Jikook have always loved spending time alone together at nights and in their quiet moments but it was interesting to see unfold in AYS.

Remember all the times members (especially Tae) mentioned Jikook being together alot at nights? Some people said he lied all those times because he was hiding his relationship but we could all see that happen in AYS. It happened on both nights they were there.

While Jikook have this strong gravitational pull and enjoy being around each other’s vicinity at all times and not just when there are fun activities or other things to be done, we could see that this wasn’t the same with taekook. Tae felt like napping, he went upstairs to nap, Jimin felt like napping, he napped in the living room next to Jungkook who was cooking. Over the years, we have tons of moments where Jk could be seen going to sit or sleep by an already sleeping Jimin. They crave each other’s presence even when they aren’t doing anything but this isn’t the same for taekook and AYS confirmed that once again.

*Jikook are so domestic

Watching AYS, it was so easy to see just how domestic Jikook are. We got an opportunity to have a look into what their lives and days look like when they are not busy being idols and it was the most comforting beautiful thing ever. Them waking up and going to cuddle each other, cooking together eating together, going shopping together with Jungkook disappearing and getting on Jimin’s nerves😂, have little discussion’s together, drinking together, watching and reacting to a show of themselves together, making plans to eat, sleep, shower, play etc together, it was just so perfect. Perfectly and positively boring everyday life yet they looked like they had so much fun doing all of that TOGETHER!

*They have the most random conversations and do the weirdest things

Just jimin casually talking about wanting to sculpt his ass and Jungkook listening attentively😂

Whatever this conversation was……

I don’t know what goes on in their minds

Whatever this was

*Jungkook loves Jimin’s attention /loves to tease him to get it

*Jungkook is inlove with FOOD!

He looks at food like true love😂

*Jikook could be sus sometimes or most of the time tbh

Whatever this was…..

I mean….

This taken out of context…..

Hmmmmmm……

*Jikook like to bicker

They bicker sometimes like an old married couple

*Jimin and Jungkook loved their trips with each other!

Do I even need to explain this? I feel like the entire episode 8 explains this pretty well.

Ok, so these are some of my observations about Jikook from AYS. I might be editing this post in the future to add some more observations as I rewatch the entire show to see if I can catch other things I missed. Consider this my review of the show.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Hello! I have seen this question debated many times and I wanted to know your take on it cause I find your theories very compelling. Do you think harry should've been in Slytherin? Does he have what it "takes" to be a Slytherin? Is it because of voldemort's soul in him that lead the sorting hat to even suggest he could be in Slytherin? I know this is not one question but I would like to know your opinion on this topic in general!

First of all, thank you for the kind words! 😊

As for the questions, well, you've asked more than one question, but this ask kinda gives me a good reason to talk about how Harry isn't some golden Gryffindor. He actually has some anger issues and he most definitely has what it "takes" for Slytherin.

I'll start with the last question and then go backward, actually.

Did the hat consider Slytherin house just because of the Horcrux?

I don't think so.

I mean, Harry is incredibly clever, magically powerful, and has a cunning streak a mile wide all on his own. I'd actually go as far as to say he's more cunning, ruthless, and resourceful than many of the Slytherins we see in the books. So his own traits definitely are in line with a Slytherin sorting, Horcrux or no Horcrux.

We can try and discern if the Horcrux has an effect on Harry's personality then, and if its influence is seen like that. I'd say that I don't think so either.

Tom and Harry, while they have their similarities, are very different people. They both have a bad temper (although they react to anger differently), but Harry has low self-esteem whereas Tom thinks he is the best (while still hating himself). They're both stubborn, but Tom is much more obsessive than Harry in pursuit of his goals. Harry cares for justice and isn't willing to hurt innocents, Tom doesn't really care about any of that he cares for efficiency. If the Horcrux was influencing Harry's personality, I'd expect to see more similarities between them that go deeper than that.

So, I don't think the hat only offered Slytherin because of the Horcrux. Harry is a Slytherin in his own right.

Does Harry have what it "takes" for Slytherin?

So, I honestly got really excited at the sight of this sentence. See I love Harry, that's no secret. But one of the things I love about him is that he isn't the perfect noble hero. He can be angry, and cruel and ruthless. But he has a sense of justice, he wouldn't wish harm on someone innocent, but someone who did harm to him, or was mean to him or someone he cares for... then Harry can be terrifying when he wants to be.

So, now I'm going to go through some (I have so many more examples of this, and the examples here are mostly books 1-5 since that's what I had on hand) of my collection of quotes showing Harry Potter's vindictiveness and anger.

Harry's response to "have a good summer" at the end of his first year:

“Oh, I will,” said Harry, and they were surprised at the grin that was spreading over his face. “They don’t know we’re not allowed to use magic at home. I’m going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer.…

(PS, page 221)

This is Harry's (very justified) vindictiveness we see towards the Dursleys many times in the books. He uses the idea of magic to scare them and is gleeful at the thought of Dudley's fear. Harry is very much chill with vengeance.

“…He likes to keep in touch with me, though . . . keep up with my news . . . check if I’m happy. . . .” And, grinning broadly at the look of horror on Uncle Vernon’s face, Harry set off toward the station exit, Hedwig rattling along in front of him, for what looked like a much better summer than the last.

(PoA, page 435)

Same as above, just Sirius Black as the threat instead of magic.

Yes, thought Harry, that looked all right. There was no point putting in the dream; he didn’t want it to look as though he was too worried.

(GoF, page 25)

Harry can and does lie and conceal information, even from people he trusts (like Sirius) if he thinks it'll be better not to tell them something. Whether that is for his own image or for what they would think.

“Potter! Weasley! What are you doing?” It was Professor McGonagall, and her mouth was the thinnest of thin lines. “We were — we were —” Ron stammered. “We were going to — to go and see —” “Hermione,” said Harry. Ron and Professor McGonagall both looked at him. “We haven’t seen her for ages, Professor,” Harry went on hurriedly, treading on Ron’s foot, “and we thought we’d sneak into the hospital wing, you know, and tell her the Mandrakes are nearly ready and, er, not to worry —” Professor McGonagall was still staring at him, and for a moment, Harry thought she was going to explode, but when she spoke, it was in a strangely croaky voice. “Of course,” she said, and Harry, amazed, saw a tear glistening in her beady eye.

(CoS, page 259)

And he clearly can lie well, even at 12.

But Harry wasn’t going to stand for this. Gone were the days when he had been forced to take every single one of the Dursleys’ stupid rules. He wasn’t following Dudley’s diet, and he wasn’t going to let Uncle Vernon stop him from going to the Quidditch World Cup, not if he could help it. Harry took a deep, steadying breath and then said, “Okay, I can’t see the World Cup. Can I go now, then? Only I’ve got a letter to Sirius I want to finish. You know — my godfather.” He had done it. He had said the magic words. Now he watched the purple recede blotchily from Uncle Vernon’s face, making it look like badly mixed black currant ice cream.

...

He stopped there to enjoy the effect of these words. He could almost see the cogs working under Uncle Vernon’s thick, dark, neatly parted hair. If he tried to stop Harry writing to Sirius, Sirius would think Harry was being mistreated. If he told Harry he couldn’t go to the Quidditch World Cup, Harry would write and tell Sirius, who would know Harry was being mistreated. There was only one thing for Uncle Vernon to do. Harry could see the conclusion forming in his uncle’s mind as though the great mustached face were transparent. Harry tried not to smile, to keep his own face as blank as possible. And then — “Well, all right then. You can go to this ruddy . . . this stupid . . . this World Cup thing.

(GoF, page 33)

Again, vindictiveness and manipulation of Vernon through fear. Not only that, but Harry can keep his calm and keep his face blank even at 14 for the sake of getting something he wants.

“Get stuffed, Malfoy,” said Harry. “C’mon, Ron. . . .” “Oh yeah, you were staying with them this summer, weren’t you, Potter?” sneered Malfoy. “So tell me, is his mother really that porky, or is it just the picture?” “You know your mother, Malfoy?” said Harry — both he and Hermione had grabbed the back of Ron’s robes to stop him from launching himself at Malfoy — “that expression she’s got, like she’s got dung under her nose? Has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?” Malfoy’s pale face went slightly pink. “Don’t you dare insult my mother, Potter.” “Keep your fat mouth shut, then,” said Harry, turning away.

(GoF, page 204)

Harry has a bark (all of the above quotes are Harry having a bark). He can and does shoot back as good as he gets.

Harry isn't all bark though, he's got a bit. Harry's anger is palpable and so very real and I love seeing it:

just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters. “COME BACK IN HERE!” he bellowed. “COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!” But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon. “She deserved it,” Harry said, breathing very fast. “She deserved what she got. You keep away from me.”  He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door. “I’m going,” Harry said. “I’ve had enough.”

(PoA, page 30)

Again, Harry has his vindictive strike. (Obviously, Marge had it coming, but that's also what Harry is thinking).

A boiling hate erupted in Harry’s chest, leaving no place for fear. For the first time in his life, he wanted his wand back in his hand, not to defend himself, but to attack . . . to kill.

(PoA, page 339)

“You killed my parents,” said Harry, his voice shaking slightly, but his wand hand quite steady.

(PoA, page 341)

Harry, at 13, was fully willing to kill who he believed led to his parents' deaths. And more:

So what if he had to kill the cat too? It was in league with Black. . . . If it was prepared to die, trying to protect Black, that wasn’t Harry’s business. . . .

(PoA, page 342)

He's willing to kill Hermione's cat if it stands in his way.

Harry stood there, feeling suddenly empty. He hadn’t done it. His nerve had failed him. Black was going to be handed back to the dementors.

(PoA, page 343)

Harry Potter, at 13, laments that he didn't have the nerve to kill Sirius himself. He thinks he should've killed himself. He sees it as a failure that justice would be served by someone other than him.

Harry sat there staring at Snape as the lesson began, picturing horrific things happening to him. . . . If only he knew how to do the Cruciatus Curse . . . he’d have Snape flat on his back like that spider, jerking and twitching. . . .

(GoF, page 300)

Harry felt oddly separate from everyone around him, whether they were wishing him good luck or hissing “We’ll have a box of tissues ready, Potter ” as he passed. It was a state of nervousness so advanced that he wondered whether he mightn’t just lose his head when they tried to lead him out to his dragon, and start trying to curse everyone in sight.

(GoF, page 347)

The above quotes are both situations Harry was willing and wishing to curse people. Even Crucio Snape. He's not as noble and righteous and golden as many fans and characters in the books make him out to be...

If Dudley’s friends saw him sitting here, they would be sure to make a beeline for him, and what would Dudley do then? He wouldn’t want to lose face in front of the gang, but he’d be terrified of provoking Harry. . . . It would be really fun to watch Dudley’s dilemma; to taunt him, watch him, with him powerless to respond . . . and if any of the others tried hitting Harry, Harry was ready — he had his wand . . . let them try . . . He’d love to vent some of his frustration on the boys who had once made his life hell —

(OotP, page 11)

And sometimes, Harry wishes for an excuse to fight. An excuse to take his anger out on someone. (He has a lot of anger in him)

Smirking all over his pointed face, Draco Malfoy leaned across Harry and seized the largest bowtruckle. “Maybe,” said Malfoy in an undertone, so that only Harry could hear him, “the stupid great oaf’s got himself badly injured.” “Maybe you will if you don’t shut up,” said Harry out of the side of his mouth.

(OotP, page 260)

He's threatening and witty.

“Oh no,” said Hermione, quaking so badly that her knees gave way. “Oh, that was horrible. And he [Gwamp] might kill them [the centaurs] all. . . .” “I’m not that fussed, to be honest,” said Harry bitterly.

(OotP, page 759)

And when it comes to people he doesn't consider innocent, or ones he doesn't care for, even if they never harmed him, Harry is still vindictive. The centaurs mistreated Firenze and Hagrid, so Harry doesn't really care if Gwamp kills them all.

That being said, he is more concerned about Sirius in the above scene.

And he can and does cast unforgivables easily by the later books:

Hatred rose in Harry such as he had never known before. He flung himself out from behind the fountain and bellowed “Crucio!” Bellatrix screamed. The spell had knocked her off her feet, but she did not writhe and shriek with pain as Neville had — she was already on her feet again, breathless, no longer laughing. Harry dodged behind the golden fountain again — her counterspell hit the head of the handsome wizard, which was blown off and landed twenty feet away, gouging long scratches into the wooden floor.

(OotP, page 809)

Harry raised the hawthorn wand beneath the cloak, pointed it at the old goblin, and whispered, for the first time in his life, “Imperio!” A curious sensation shot down Harry’s arm, a feeling of tingling, warmth that seemed to flow from his mind, down the sinews and veins connecting him to the wand and the curse it had just cast. The goblin took Bellatrix’s wand, examined it closely, and then said, “Ah, you have had a new wand made, Madam Lestrange!”

(DH, pages 152-453)

As Amycus spun around, Harry shouted, “Crucio!” The Death Eater was lifted off his feet. He writhed through the air like a drowning man, thrashing and howling in pain, and then, with a crunch and a shattering of glass, he smashed into the front of a bookcase and crumpled, insensible, to the floor. “I see what Bellatrix meant,” said Harry, the blood thundering through his brain, “you need to really mean it.”

(DH, page 502)

So, I think Harry definitely has what it takes. He's clever, he can be ruthless, and he's capable of lying and hiding secrets when he feels it's the best option. He can hide his emotions when he really needs to, even if he rarely does. Actually, only in book 6, Harry starts sharing everything with Ron and Hermione on Dumbledore’s advice. Up to that point, he kept quite a bit to himself. And when someone wrongs him, he can and often will swing back.

And last but not least, should he have been in Slytherin?

So, this is an interesting question, because "should" can have two meanings.

1. Should've for the story — as in what is best for the narrative.

2. Should've for the character — in universe, which house the sorting hat should've picked.

So, for the first one, my answer is no. Gryffindor was the right choice for Harry for the narrative of the books as they are. Gryffindor is essentially the opposite of Slytherin and represents a choice more than just the traits and values the house represents. It represents Harry's choice even though he could've been a Slytherin he chose Gryffindor. And it's a constant choice with every heroic act. (personally, I'm not the biggest fan of equating school houses with morality, but it's effective in creating a clear narrative)

And while not all Slytherins are evil and not all Gryffindors are good, a Slytherin Harry Potter would've resulted in a very different story than what we have. So, for the story we ended up getting to happen the way it did, yes, Harry needed to be a Gryffindor.

For the second, maybe. Personally, I believe people (even if they aren't hatstalls) have more than one house they can fit into. Harry is both a Slytherin and a Gryffindor, and neither of them is more wrong or right for him as a person. I think deciding which one of them is best for him is up to a coin flip (and when in his life the question is asked).

He can be ruthless and cunning like a Slytherin. Selfless and courageous like a Gryffindor. He values justice like a Gryffindor. But he also has the selective loyalty of Slytherin to their own.

Point is, there isn't really a "should", because both suit him and he would’ve done well in both. Do I think Slytherin Harry is an incredibly fun concept to consider? Yes. Did I read way too many fics with this premise and would read more? Yes. Do I think he might've fit into Slytherin better than Gryffindor? Well, not necessarily.

Harry is much quieter than most in Gryffindor, but I think the constant scheming and image-keeping in Slytherin would be exhausting to him. He just doesn't care about all the gossip and politicalizing (something that occasionally leaves him out of the loop also in Gryffindor). So, again, both suit him about equally. The difference is that we get a very different story depending on his house.

[pebblemae]

there is something to be said for candle run burnout for sure, like it now takes so many candles to get things that you want, as well as the pricing for paid items of course. The entire thing just makes me wonder if sky: cotl should follow in the footsteps of animal crossing: pocket camp and just make a paid game with no in-app purchases. I think the team are trying to tackle the CR burnout tho with different mechanics such as revamping daily quests (personally i don't like the revamp as it is now, but it's clearly in its early stages!). There's just...a lot going on and it would be better in my opinion if there was no IAP at all, especially because I've seen players be weird in the past about it, like trying to justify paid items by talking about veteran status (idk how veteran status correlates with being able to pay for IAP). Overall I think there needs to be a revamp of sky as a whole.

Again, this got long. I have thoughts.

Yeah, IAP is a really tricky topic. On one hand, it's kinda how free games make money, so I personally get not cutting it out completely. On the other, it really seems like ALL the good cosmetics are IAP.

I mean, in Days of Sunlight, there are 7 IGC items (50 Tickets, 384C, and 30 H). and 11 IAP items ($200+ USD). What's worse is most people can't even afford all the IGC items so you end up getting 3-5 items out of the total 18. For a game that's a lot about cosmetic collection, that sucks for the average player!

I'm not personally bothered but the 20+ ticket values. If you're more or less collecting, you can get them fairly easily. You can miss almost half the days and still get the two items. (84 tickets over 14 days. 50 tickets for the two cosmetics. you can miss 5, almost 6 days and still have enough) I have more to say on Ticket Cosmetics, but I'll save that for later.

I wouldn't be as bothered by this insane IAP to IGC item split if they were affordable and if IGC items as a whole stood up to the design and demand of the IAP. Apparently, the earrings were GOING to be IGC but were last minute switched with the floaty. There are SO few earrings, so making them IAP really sucks. It feels like the umbrella problem now. (of the 7 umbrellas, only 2 are IGC as TS)

I would love to see the IAP disappear altogether too, but that's just not realistic. From a financial standpoint for the company, as well as just in general. People hate them, but people still buy them. If anything I could maybe see a price reduction in IAP but with that comes the fact that now those who paid the higher price were "scammed" and that could create legal problems.

I have no idea what TGC could do, but for starters, I'd ask to lower IGC item prices and make fewer IAP items. Whether that will happen or not, I'm not optimistic, unfortunately.

[lyrakanefanatic]

Thoughts that I wanted to share about the brothers Hawthorne/ the grandest game bc I don’t wanna make a million posts about each one 💀

1: Phone girls dad literally shot himself ON. HER. BIRTHDAY. 😭😭

2: Skye Hawthorne MIGHT be in the grandest game, because when Avery got bombed and Ricky and skye got arrested for it, they found out that it actually wasn’t them which means they prob got out of jail (maybe not Ricky but probably skye) and she might be controlling one of the players

3: WE’LL PROBABLY GET TO SEE A SUNSHINE X GRUMPY TROPE!! (Mathias and Gigi)

4: we’ll see which 7 contestants avery will pick for the game!! (While I was writing that instead of contestants I accidentally put tributes 💀)

5: we might learn more about Toby’s backstory (or just the Hawthorne backstories in general, like Zara’s, nans or Alice’s)

6: speaking of Alice, SOMEHOW THAT OLD GRANDMAS GOING TO BE ALIVE

7: this isn’t really a prediction but more just like a possible hint for the grandest game, but when grayson tells his brothers about the riddle “what begins a bet? Not that”, Jameson says this

He says “what’s the opposite of a handshake?” And I found a picture online that shows multiple different options of what could be the opposite of a handshake

Basically most of the words on there kind of show “misinterpretation” or just different words for some sort of mistake, so would that mean that the “beef” (im just gonna call it that bc I don’t rlly know what went down) between tobias and thomas thomas was maybe accidental?? Or maybe they got into a disagreement that ended in thomas ending his life? All the book really shows is that one paragraph (that I highlighted in green) that talks about what Jameson thought of the riddle, and then Jameson was talking to Avery about the game (probs bc jlb didn’t wanna drop too many hints lmao) And then if you add it in with the “abet” theory ⬇️

It said that one of the opposites of a handshake were “refusal” and “disagreement”, so what if tobias had wanted thomas to aid one of his crimes and thomas refused, and maybe tobias gave him an ultimatum which is why he shot himself?? It’s so confusing bc what would tobias even do that was so horrible that thomas had to shoot himself, I really don’t know. but if anyone has some theory’s on this pls lmk! 🫶

8: holy guacamole 7 was a long one, but anyway i feel like there are definitely more hints on the grandest game in the brothers Hawthorne then there were in the final gambit, even though in (i think tig is the one that clue was from?) the inheritance games “special” edition bc idk what their called it said “hints in the final gambit”. (although one loose end from tig was David Golding, and @riddles-n-games had a good theory about that) But i read the final gambit entirely and didn’t find a single clue other than David, so that’s kinda weird (unless somebody else found something else they found interesting in that book?)

9: Eve might also be behind one of the players, or just trying to get involved with the game so she could get the cash prize or whatever else it is that that psycho needs 🙄

10: we’ll (most likely, bc I’m 99.9% sure that she’ll be in tgg) see what phone girl looks like and see which one of us were right 😜

11: kinda random but i will bet a whole 5 dollars that phone girls name is either gonna be flower related, or just straight up be lily. Or maybe both, but just think of how ironic that would be (there are calla lilys all over the cover of tgg… 🤷‍♀️)

12: LIBBY NASH WEDDING!!! 🤭🤭🤭💗

13: so off topic but WHERE DO GRAYSON AND JAMESON GET THEIR MONEY FROM??? like I’m sure jameson probably gets some cash from his billionaire girlfriend, but what about grayson?? he says in tbh that he’s “buried in work” but what kind of work does he do?? and who does he work for?? 🤨

14: Okay this is gonna be the last one bc i need to shut up, but does anybody have an idea on what some things in the grandest game cover might symbolize? we know about the lilys and the opal rings, but other than that i CANT seem to figure out anything else on there 😭😭

and okay that’s all thank you for coming to my ted talk 🫶😊🙌

[lovepersevering13]

elaborate on tori springs autism

Ok I’m gonna start this by saying that the topic I’m most passionate about in the entire universe is Tori Spring (As well as Michael, Charlie and Oliver) being a very autistic coded character and so this post is a very long info dump about it because it consumes almost all of my waking thoughts.

Anyway, quick summary, I believe that Tori Spring has autism because of her social struggles, mannerisms and general outlook on life. Like how she always talks about not fitting in, she gets really obsessed with specific things (Star Wars and Solitaire) and she struggles to express her emotions, often leading up to an intense emotional outburst (Autistic meltdown).

Forewarning - I am obviously not a licensed psychiatrist (I’m literally just a mentally ill teenage girl) and so I don’t actually have the capability to diagnose anyone, I just have a lot of time to waste studying the DSM-5-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision) and analysing Tori Spring. Also, Autism is different for everyone and this is just one perspective of it based on research and the DSM-5 which obviously doesn’t cover every autistic persons experience. OH, Also, I tried really hard to focus on using ‘person-first’ language when I was writing it but I may have messed up a few times so let me know if I did! Also let me know if there is anything else incorrect here so I can fix it :)

Ok now that’s out of the way I will start with what we know is true: Tori Spring likely struggles with Depression. It’s a generally accepted fact amoungst the fandom due to Tori’s negative outlook on life and suicidal ideation (at the end of Solitiare). Now, why is this relevant? Well Autism and Depression are often comorbid diagnosis, people with Autism being 4 times more likely than Neurotypical’s to experience a diagnosis of Depression.

So she’s already got that going for her, let’s take a look at Solitaire and some excerpts from that which highlight different aspects of the Autism diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. This is based of what I annotated the first time I read Solitaire about a year ago there may be more that I missed.

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

- “No- Tori just held a conversation by herself” - Becky Allen, Solitaire, Page 28

- “I think you’re breaking down.” I cough loudly. “I’m not a car.” Solitaire, page 311.

In this quote Tori is taking things wayyy too literally which is common amoungst many people with Autism due to the way they process information.

- “I think… it’s unlikely that anyone would want to catch a grenade for anyone else. Or jump I doesn’t of a train for anyone else. That’s very counterproductive.” Solitaire, Page 45

Again the literal thinking (I also have this exact thought every time I hear this song).

- “I drift away and picture myself….” Solitaire, Page 33

Ok so I didn’t want to include this entire quote because it’s really long but essentially she’s thinking about what it would be like to be, for lack of better word, neurotypical. To be confident in social interactions and always say the right thing, say things that people are interested in and to not be awkward or shy.

- “I quite like cats, and I saw it for the first time at lunch in the cafeteria. I almost felt like I’d made a new friend,” Solitaire, Page 68

Often people with Autism prefer interaction with animals, this is theorised to be because social interaction with animals can compensate for a lack of social interaction with peers. Oh also a lot of people say that cats are kinda autistic coded animals because of their similar mannerisms to people with autism.

- “Emotions are humanities fatal disease.” Solitaire, Page 346

2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

- “I think it’s important to make the effort. Social conventions and all,” Solitaire, page 43

- “I need to control my staring” Solitaire, page 45

3. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

- “Then again, I don’t feel very similar to anyone at all” Solitaire, Page 20

Many people who have Autism (Especially Women) often report that they don’t “fit in” with their peers, there are a variety of reasons for this but it is often related to masking and just generally struggling to socialise the same way their Neurotypical peers do.

- “There’s a time and a place for being normal. For most people, normal is their default setting. But for some, like you and me, normal is something we have to bring out, like putting on a suit for a posh dinner.” - Michael Holden, Solitaire, Page 61

This quote from Michael is one of my favourites in Solitaire and I feel heavily related to the autistic experience. It pretty much perfectly describes the experience of autistic masking.

- “I thought it’d be nice to try and rekindle this friendship. But it’s too hard. I don’t want to talk to anyone.” Solitaire, Page 99

- “I’m no expert on social etiquette.” Solitaire, Page 140

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

1. Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

- “I kick the floor and spin. The world hurricanes around me. I don’t know how long I do this,” Solitaire, Page 84

This quote is just Tori stimming, she stims quite a bit in the book but this was just one example I picked.

- “I watch that scene three times and then turn it off,” Solitaire, Page 102

- “Playing ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay over and over on repeat” Solitaire, (I forgot the page)

These are another two examples of stimming that I wanted to include because it shows different forms of stimming (repeatedly watching or listening to something) that aren’t talked about as much.

2. Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).

- “It’s not a very funny programs but I still seem to watch at least on episode every single day.” Solitaire, Page 100

While this could just be because it’s on tv I figured if she really didn’t enjoy the show she could definitely watch something else. This is probably an example of “preservation” which is a coping mechanism that helps people with autism to find comfort in predictability and routine.

3. Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

- “The matter of the fact is that Star Wars was actually a major obsession of mine when I was a kid” Solitaire, Page 24

Apparently most children don’t have extreme, obsessions that consume all of their waking thoughts (I cannot attest to this, I’ve been hyper fixating on random stuff since I was like 2). Anyway, hyper fixation is a sign of Autism which is often overlooked in girls because it’s usually something related to pop culture and is ignored as just being “fangirling”.

- “I have already stuck all of Solitaires previous posts. My wall is completely covered.” Solitaire, Page 297

This is only one example but if you’ve read solitaire you’ll know that Tori gets very obsessed with solitaire and especially toward the end of the book I’d argue that it does start to become quite a hyper fixation.

4. Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

- “I started to feel all this hair on my forehead and my cheeks and how it plastered my shoulders and back and I felt it creeping around me like worms, choking me to death.” Solitaire, Page 15

So this is an example of sensory overload, while this can affect anyone, it is very common in people with Autism as they often have a hyper awareness of sensory stimuli, causing it to become very overwhelming. So this can happen with things like sound as well and I didn’t put it in here but there is another quote when she’s at Becky’s party talking about how loud it is.

- “At some point I fall asleep but I can here all these creaky noises coming from outside” Solitaire, page 65

So this quote isn’t exactly that special but it’s the way she brings it up every time she sleeps, like she’s so hyper aware of the sounds outside that it begins to prevent her from sleeping.

Here are some other miscellaneous quotes that I wanted to throw in because I think they are relevant:

- “Who would I be,” I ask at one point, “if I were any of the Big Bang theory characters?”

“Sheldon,” - Charlie Spring, Solitaire, Page 100

This quote is nothing really I just thought it was interesting that Charlie related Tori to Sheldon as he’s generally seen as another autistic coded character (No matter how problematic that may be, I haven’t actually seen the show I just know a lot of people with Autism think it’s poor representation)

- “I don’t want people to try and understand why I am the way I am, because I should be the first person to understand that and I don’t understand yet.” Solitaire, (I lost the page)

- “I’ve got to do something,” I keep saying,” Solitaire, Page 272

Ok so throughout Solitaire (and ‘This Winter’ and the ‘Heartstopper’ graphic novels) Tori displays a very high sense of empathy. Main examples of this are with her brother Charlie and in that scene where Ben Hope gets beat up at the Solitaire meet up. Stereotypically people with autism have a low sense of empathy but actually it’s a spectrum and many people with autism (more often girls) experience a heightened sense of empathy.

- “Before boys, before sex, before alcohol, before she started to move on while I stayed exactly where I was.” Solitaire, Page 353

In girls signs of Autism generally begin to manifest more during their tween/teenage years. Girls who appeared to be progressing at a similar rate to their peers may begin to fall behind due to the increased social and academic pressure. This quote could however be more related to Tori being asexual, which we will get into now.

Asexuality and Autism

As confirmed in volume 5 of Heartstopper, Tori Spring is asexual. People with Autism are 2-3 times more likely to identify as a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Especially, the aroace community. The studies I looked at said around 30% of people with Autism also identified as aro/ace, this is also more common in women with Autism than men.

Autistic Meltdowns

So in addition to those direct quotes a repeated occurrence throughout Solitaire is Tori’s emotions bubbling up and eventually bursting out… and what could these outburst actually be? Autistic Meltdown.

The main examples that come to mind for Tori are the fight with Michael, that scene where Charlie asks if she’s ok and she starts crying and the scene where she’s talking to Lucas about Charlie at the concert.

Safe Foods

Ok Tori’s obsession with diet lemonade is kind of iconic. People with Autism often tend to have ‘safe foods’ that don’t trigger sensory issues, usually these are specific things with consistent, safe, tastes. For Tori, this is diet lemonade. Another thing to point out about this is the fact that she always uses straws which is possibly either a sensory thing or a routine :)

Ok, that’s about it… I don’t believe anyone would actually read all that but if you did… damn, thanks :))

Some of the resources I used:

https://www.allohealth.care/healthfeed/sexuality/asexuality-and-autism

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-infographics/autism-and-sexual-diversity?format=amp

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/08/the-bond-between-animals-and-the-autistic/623372/

https://socialcaretalk.org/experiences/life-autism-spectrum/autism-feeling-different-wanting-to-fit-in/

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html

https://jackiesilvernutrition.com/articles/autism-safe-food/

[kakiastro]

Your Moon sign is the energy your mother was in when she was pregnant with you

Elephants is ruled by the Moon. I love Dumbo as well

I talked briefly talked about this in my short random astrology post pt 1, just scroll down on my page. I’m digging deeper on this topic.

Your moon sign + house is the energy your mom was in when you were conceived. The moon rules over memories so in a way, we are our mother memories during this time. I wonder is this why so many moms clash so much with their daughters? This is where healing begins.Check the placidus and whole sign system. If you are a mom, you can use this for yourself as well. What energy were you in when you conceived your child? Your child moon sign will tell you.

For example : I’m an Aquarius moon 7h in placidus and 8h whole signs. My mother was a teen mom and was the most scholastic one so her pregnancy came as a surprise because how involved she was in her studies. she was also in her rebel era (Aquarius) against my religious grandmother (7h) because she didn’t like or approve of my dad and didn’t approve of their relationship (7h) but the kept seeing each other in secret and mom didn’t know she was pregnant until 5 months along (8h) and surprise! Here I am! lol

But you see how that played out???

So I’m going to break down different scenarios of the energy of your mom and in the end answer the poll to see if it resonates with you

Ready?

Aries/1h

- may have had lots of conflicts or arguments with your dad or men in general

- got with father quickly and ended pregnant early in the relationship

-may have lacked patience with the people around her during this time

-a brand new start in her life such as job, home, relationship

-Aries rule the head so people or her may have had head injuries or scars. May have suffered from headaches during this time

Taurus/2h

-may have been building a solid foundation or may have been suffering from lack of

-financial struggles or prosperity

-may have moved into a new home or a new living arrangement was made

-may have had troubles with the bank or opening up a bank account

-she or you either felt really confident or struggled with it during this time

-she could’ve been spoiled with gifts and adoration while pregnant

-if you or your mom loves singing, you may have did lots of it during this time. Music may have been important for her

-lots of food was eaten lol

Gemini /3h

-siblings may have played a big part in the pregnancy. May have took her/you to your doctor appointment or was an emotional support

-education could have played a part such as parental classes or baby care classes. Buying nursery, baby books to get ready. This was an intellectual time, it was “omg , I need to learn as much as I can about the baby before they get here” energy! Mom could be a teacher or work in education

-communication was really prevalent during this time. A lot of people especially your neighbors may have been nosey during this time “so who’s the child father?” “What are you wanting a boy or girl?” They may have given you/her unsolicited parental advice. LOL

- short travels may have been a theme, nothing too far away, may like the next town over or something

-writing and journalism could be a theme too! If your mom are a writer or just like to write.

-could’ve gotten a new car or it got totaled during this time

-Gemini rules the mind and thoughts so she’s going to be in her head a lot during this time

Cancer/4h

-could’ve gotten really close to the mom during this time period, mom could’ve done things for you.

- may have been more of a homebody and stay at home to enjoy pregnancy

-emotional time and probably felt overwhelmed with them

-ate lots of home cooked meals

-surrounding yourself with family was important

-learning more about family heritages and family stories.

-became more of an introvert toward people

-comfy clothes only lol

Leo/5h

-I noticed people who have Leo moons/ moon 5h may have been the first grandchild or first granddaughter/grandson. If not, they got a lot of attention lol

-mom may have been excited shopping buying all kind of clothes, toys and accessories before the child is even born.

-the father may be heavily involved during the pregnacy such as taking care of the mom, I noticed lots of Leo moons are named after someone on their father side lol

-may have had a pregnancy glow and got lots of compliments from strangers

-may have been around other children whether it’s siblings or nieces/nephews. Mom may work with kids

Virgo/6h

-mom probably worked all the way up until you were born lol

-may have been getting everything in shape and ready for the baby. changes up daily routine

-similar to Gemini because they’re both mercurial so this is also going to be an intellectual time but the difference is that’s there’s going to be lots of note taking on parental stuff lol.

Virgo rules our health so mom may change up dietary routine or they may health problems during this time. May suffer from lots of morning sickness due to Virgo ruling over the stomach

-co-workers can play a part in your life during this time. They may take over a shift for you while you call in sick. May come to your baby shower and bring the most gifts

-if you’re in school, teachers may play a part by letting you make up assignments. maybe you’re a teacher

Libra/7h

-may have been in a stable relationship with father, could’ve just gotten engaged or your arrival made them get engaged

-this could’ve been a peaceful time, maybe everyone was getting along and if they weren’t, mom was probably the peace keeper

-businesses could’ve been a topic around this time. Mom could’ve been a business owner or her favorite business was a huge topic for her.

-beauty and aesthetic could’ve been important like cute maternity clothes

Scorpio moon/8h

-a death may have occurred in the mother family during this time

-mom may have suffered a miscarriage before you were conceived so there’s some pain and hesitation around that

-there maybe some family secrets that’s been kept under wraps

-mother may have been going through painful time or something traumatic happened

-mom could’ve gotten a divorce or something was going on in the marriage especially finances. Scorpio rules over marriage and partner finances

-on the flip side, this could’ve been a empowering and transformational time for her

-she could’ve been interested in occult studies or true crime type of stuff. Maybe she watched a lot of horror movies lol

-you may come from a long line of witches for all you know lol or she know people who are.

I know Scorpio moons gets a bad re but it’s not all bad.

Sagittarius/ 9h

-may have come from a family of refugees or immigrants. You may be first or 2nd generation in a country

-mom may have travelled overseas a lot while pregnant

-mom could’ve been in college or a college professor

-may be religious and actively involved a church

-may read lots of scholarly books and articles during this time

-may be close with your father(husband) if. Married. May be close to your grandfather as well

Capricorn/10h

-having a stabilized structure home may be her main focus

-may have a age gap with other siblings

-being disciplined during pregnancy such as taking her diet seriously or following the doctors orders to a T

-making sure her career is stable before you are born

-may continue to work to save up money, talk know capricorns need to be doing something valuable to them lol

-grandmother may be a big help or play a big role.

Both of my younger brothers are cap moons and my gramma was a huge help to my mom during both pregnancies. My mom had just started her new job as well when she was pregnant with my first brother and got a promotion when she was pregnant with my 2nd brother. There’s also a huge age gap between my brothers and I lol

Aquarius/11h

-you were probably a surprised pregnancy

-you may have step siblings

-pregnacy through IVF or surrogacy

-mom was searching for her freedom and may have been rebellious

-her social circle was around more during this time and you may have had lots of play aunties and uncles growing up Lol

-may have been emotionally overwhelmed but didn’t show them so this is where the detachment comes from

-sees their child as a new friend coming along then your regular child-parent relationship

Pisces/12h

-may have lived near water or a water port city

-may have felt isolated and alone during pregnancy especially by your father and family

-may have travelled overseas or took a cruise

May have had some type of spiritual awakening during this time

-if mom is a creative, then she may have been doing lots of creative projects

-hopefully this isn’t the case to anyone who read this but this can indicate having a mom who served jail time during pregnancy

-may have did lots of daydreaming on the type of child you would be and put you up on a pedestal before you’re even born.

-you may be seen as a miracle child

This took forever for me to write lol but did any of it resonate with you regarding you and your mom. You and your child?

Tell me your stories! Book a reading with me!

[rain-world-positivity-blog]

spare iterator headcanons? headcanons anyone?

Oh Nonny you have come to the right person because I have a big bag of lebkuchen, a case of insomnia and a comtempt for my retail job so I can go OFF. I'll hold back a little because I don't want this to get too long.

I'll share with you some of the worldbuilding stuff I have going on for my AU fanfic which may or may not get brought up. This might be character heavy rather than just general so I'm going to say; If anyone wants to share their headcanons, reblog this or send me in an ask about it! I looooooove headcanons and lore dumps... anyways...

~

Okay lets talk about my age headcanons and such to start~

Typically, I tend to divide Iterators up into around 5 categories:

Prototype models-usually simplistic and outdated, with big ass clunky structures that are just an eyesore, puppetless and voiceless and more robotic than the iterators we know. most of these are probably no longer functioning during the games timeline

Early First Generation- different than the rest of the frist gens, these were the iterators who were fresh out of the prototype phases and more like tests. They were the first ones to get puppets. Their emotions aren't as fine-tuned as later models and they retain their larger scale and a lot of the shortcomings found in the prototypes. I headcanon Suns to be in this category! Their emotions are a bit confusing for them and they either have an extreme reaction or take 4-5 buisness days to process.

First Generation- Old and clunky but there's a clear divide between the mid and late firsts and the early ones. By the time these guys got made their creators had mostly figured out what was going wrong with their other models and there were vast improvements! Still problems with them not being as quick as people wanted and known for needing vast amounts of resources, but they were better. I headcanon Moon to be on the cusp between early and mid first. She's a lot more intune with herself and sense of selfhood and personal thoughts than someone like Suns would be but she still gets lost.

Second Generation - Quicker than the firsts and less of a drain on natural resources and more stable when it comes to emotions however, due to being the generation with the least issues they're a lot harder to rein in when they decide to act out of regular protocol. If second gens were dogs they'd be the bastards that get into your bin and eat the food scraps or start chewing on your drywall. They're a good balance between having pretty good processing power and not too damaging on the world around them. I headcanon Wind being early in the second gen, Sliver being slightly younger and NSH being somewhere in the middle.

Third Generation - these fuckers are the slimline ps2 of iterators. They're smaller, faster, but you so much as fart at them wrong and they're going to have a meltdown. Emotionally erratic, some of them half finished construction-wise, a rushed and desperate attempt at trying to find a way, any way, to get to that solution so deeply wanted while also trying to preserve as many resources as possible. Corners got cut, be it in terms of some of them missing certain processors or parts or their programming being a little scrambled. I headcanon UI being somewhere in the middle of this generation while Pebbles would be somewhere towards the tail end of it, he's got the vibe of a teenager who yells YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, I'M GOING TO SMOKE CIGARETTES TO PISS OFF MY MUM!!

~

Annnnd I'll leave this here for tonight! If you have any specific topics you'd like to ask headcanon wise I'll be here for a bit longer tonight but if I don't get to it, I'll get to it tomorrow! I'm curious to see if anyone else has similar headcanons to me!

[content-d3leted]

Here's another useless paragraph or two that noone will ever read but I need to type it anyway because..........yes.

Robert. (I know, what are the chances that this is about him again!!). He's such an odd character, in the sense that he is considered a genius by many, and acts all smart, aswell as being an inventor AND a robot, which are usually both stereotyped as clever, however he is actually so stupid (in a nice way) for the most part.

This guy can create machines allowing you to see other people's dreams, he can create dusters that can automatically detect mess, he can create whisks that un-scramble eggs..........yet he didn't know what a seed was. He didn't know what pretty much any sport was or how it worked, he didn't know what an audition was, what a holiday was, or a sleepover, the poor chap doesn't even know whats going on half the time! (Well, in series 1 at least).

In a way, its quite nice. It shows he is not just a stereotypical genius who knows everything, but is infact only knowledgeable on very specific topics. Basiclly....engineering and cleaning. I suppose that this is because in robot school, that was all he was taught. He didn't learn about biology (hence not knowing what a seed does), or sport, or enjoyable activities in general, because he didn't NEED to. His sole purpose was to serve others, which usually only requires skills that a normal butler would have.

In the usual scenario of what his job should've been like would be cleaning the house and taking care of the people inside with the occasional small-talk, then off to bed. The classic butler. Just standing in the corner of the room, being seen and not heard really.

Justin was different. He didn't see Robert as a mere helper, but instead saw him as a roomate. A best friend. I presume J must of been feeling a bit down and lonely as he moved house alone into a new neighbourhood. He needed a friend, someone to keep him company. So that worked out pretty well. It also meant that Robert got to experience and learn of new things that he never would've done if he lived elsewhere. His first sleepover, his first music festival, his first experience camping! Without Justin, he never would've even known the existence of doing such things! And then they fell in love awwwwwwwww

I doubt Robert had many (or even any?) close friends before meeting Justin, since otherwise he would of heard of having a sleepover for sure. He never really mentions having friends, other than the ones that are already pals of Justin (except Jodie of course, the pair of them seem good friends so he must of had 1 then). Its like the universe destined for he and J to meet, because they really needed eachother!

Throughout the show, Justin is portrayed as a clumsy idiot-like person, who is thought to be considerably less smart than Robert, mostly due to his child-like behaviour and the (annoying) 'funny' voices and faces he does (that cheek wobble thing he does is the most annoying thing ever. Actually pisses me off so much). However, in actual fact, he and Robert are both equally dumb. If anything, Justin is smarter than him! Justin knows more things about the real world and more broader subjects, so really, if you add it all up, he knows more than Robert. Of course though, Robert is very smart in his own special way.

Wait actually now that I think about it, Robert does act child-like aswell. In series 1 there were some scenes where he acted like that (eg when he was given the 'official whistle'). And throughout the show, especially in s4, 5 and 6 (although he also does it often in 1, 2 and 3 too), he's become more and more prone to doing his silly little 'hand clapping whilst bouncing' thingy whenever he's excited. I don't personally think that's childish since I do (and will continue doing forever) similar things lol, however others may perceive it as being childish, sooo basiclly he and Justin are both as childish as eachother in their own different ways <33333

It's quite funny how space is one of Robert's main interests, and he clearly adores it, yet he knows so little about it. He didn't know that Uranus had rings?!?!! Does he just decide to not read a single book or anything about his interest?? Or maybe he did but he's just forgetful lol

I actually need to consume them I need to commit an osmosis and absorb this show into my flesh it is just SO GOOD.

I was only supposed to write 1 short paragraph, what happened!! The autism possessed me 😔 /j

[purpleheartskies]

(These are general thoughts and not directed at anyone in particular.)

I recently got into The Mandalorian a month or so before its s3 started coming out. At first, I'd told myself I'd wait for the whole season to come out and then binge watch it, but I caved a few days after the first episode came out and watched it. Since then each week, I've been watching each new episode, reading fan comments, and watching how the fandom responded. If you haven't watched Mando s3, I'm not gonna spoil anything in this post. I'm just going to do some reflecting on how fans have responded to Cobra Kai in light of how fans responded to Mando s3.

Honestly, it's been so refreshing to watch a real found father-son story in which no child of any species has been replaced in the process. Din and Grogu's story has been so fun and heartwarming to watch. Many CK fans claim that Johnny and Miguel's story is a found father-son story, but it's clearly not presented to be, primarily because the entire context of Johnny and Miguel's storyline throughout the 5 seasons has been that Johnny abandons/neglects (including emotionally) Robby in favor of Miguel. Their stories are all interwoven to show the clear contrast between Johnny's behavior wrt Miguel and Johnny's behavior wrt Robby. Johnny has a son who needs him and who Johnny willfully abandons/neglects for a random kid. (From Robby's pov, Miguel is a random kid). This is still an important part of the story in s5. Also, an important part of the story is how Robby has been affected by Johnny's behavior throughout the series. Robby's behavior in s5 (fawning) is truly nothing to cheer on, like the majority of fans do because they got the endgame they wanted: Johnny's dream family with the Diazs, and Robby tacked on as an afterthought. (I've talked in detail about Robby and Johnny's relationship in s5 in this post.)

As I mentioned, I wanted to talk about the fan responses to CK and the fan responses to Mando s3. Getting CK seasons as 10-episode dumps followed by a period of waiting is somewhat similar to getting an episode of a season and then having to wait a whole week for another episode. It gives time for the hype of the new story content to die down, for disappointment to set in and permeate, for more analyses to happen, and for different groups of hive-mind thinking to form and echo throughout the fandom.

I really enjoyed watching how the story unfolded as each episode of Mando was revealed. There were those who, like me, recognized that this is a story and, well, storytelling is taking place. We enjoyed watching the pieces being laid out, the layers being assembled, things slowly coming together, etc. However, there were those who were just bashing the season, saying things aren't making sense, they're not getting the story they want, the writers don't know what they're doing, etc...

This made me think of how the CK fan response has evolved with each season. As each season has come out, the fan response has gotten worse. People aren't getting the story they want, they're insulting the writers and the storytelling, they're complaining that things were too "rushed" and this is a "dumb" show so the serious elements don't matter, they're claiming that their fics would have been better, "this is the way it should have gone... [insert fic with completely wrong characterizations]...", etc.

I know I'm a rarity when it comes to loving Robby's character and not hating on the writers' storytelling abilities. I'm disappointed with them for sure for the messaging so far, and I completely understand why some have quit the show and the fandom. (The topics explored in CK (childhood trauma, mental health, dysfunctional relationships, etc) can be very personal and how they're depicted, even in the interim, absolutely matters. Also, interacting with fans who don't care about these topics can be draining.) However I will say this: the writers have a really well-thought-out story that has been consistent and has been building this whole time. They have always said that they have their major story beats figured out and some endgames in mind, and that hasn't changed. With all the analyzing I've done, I believe them. However, I also do understand the disappointment that fellow Robby fans feel. I had certain things I would have loved to have seen happen in this story too. But, for a while now, I try to remind myself with every show/movie I watch or book I read that I'm not writing the story. I'm just along for the ride. I know with moving to Netflix there has been a change in how things look in the show. However, if someone analyzes the patterns in behaviors and dialogue in order to understand the characterizations, they'll see that the storytelling approach and characterizations are still consistent.

Watching Mando as its new episodes dropped and browsing that fandom each week has helped put some things about this fandom into perspective for me. I've browsed other fandoms as well, but I'm mostly immersed in these two fandoms these days and the similarities in fan responses in these fandoms just stuck out to me. Storytelling is an art, and I wish people would be more open to treating these stories like stories.

Despite how much people hate the writers, they're the ones who gave us Robby and keep him the best, most central character in the show, regardless of how much he's resented and his traumas are minimized in the fandom. The writers still treat him like the most important teen, and imo, the most important character because Robby overshadows/drives Johnny's character journey as well. For example, in s5, Johnny still kept mentioning Robby when it came to the baby. If Johnny were redeemed or absolved, he himself wouldn't keep bringing up his failures with Robby. Robby's relationship with Johnny is still complex and painful and his relationship with the LaRussos is still complicated and meaningful. Robby was the key to bringing Daniel back and getting everyone together against Cobra Kai, something established in s4 when Sam first went to Robby to get him to come back and when Daniel realized he needed Johnny's help to coach Sam in the avt because Robby had taught the Cobras Miyagi-Do. Robby was also still the only character with people he cared about on both sides of the dojo war, as has been the case since s1. Robby's scene with Silver in s5 especially establishes Robby's importance amongst the teens. Silver mentions the 3 senseis, and Kim says that they're pests and they'll swat the next one that lands on their arm, and then Robby walks in immediately after. No other kid gets equated to the senseis like Robby does. There's more I can say about Robby's significance in the story, but that could be another post later on.

Out of all the characters, Robby's story is the deepest. He's a teenager trying to overcome his worsening c-ptsd (due to childhood trauma and other experiences) using the different karate styles/philosophies while everyone, especially the adults that "care" about him, keeps failing him, even in s5. I know the karate part sounds silly in a way, but there's nothing silly about c-pstd or coping with it. Robby's trying to apply what he learns to cope with it while caring about who he is. He's trying to overcome all the odds that keep stacking against him and to be the better person he wants to be. And part of his struggles with his traumas is that he's too hard on himself about how bad of a person he is. He's literally one of the best people in the show. If only he and the people around him could see that too. Robby coming out on top in karate and in life next season will be the most inspiring story this series could possibly come out with.

Like I've posted recently, I want to keep talking about the story and its nuances because Robby's story especially is important and represents the struggles of many in society who have experienced or are experiencing similar traumas to those he has experienced and is currently experiencing.

Robby is THE underdog in the story.

Cobra Kai is Robby's story.

I have spoken.

These two cuties 🥰

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, general TW for physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health topics (just to be safe). Apologies for the length.

(i sent this twice in case the first one didn't go through, I know sometimes long asks disappear in the system. If you got two please ignore this one, thank you for understanding)

This is.. going to be odd but I'm the person that sent the ask about learning how to be more like a typical human after being semi-feral? you asked a few questions and I can answer them, and maybe get some advice too on it as well. Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in a bad head space right now but I haven't seen your inbox open in a while so I wanted to answer you while I could.

You asked me about how I survived. And honestly it was mostly because I didn't have an alternative. For physical abuse, I developed a high pain tolerance and don't much have the ability to cry or react to pain. I genuinely don't understand why people describe certain things as being painful, I can handle punches, cuts, etc without reacting.

For starvation my body has stopped reacting to hunger. I haven't felt hunger in many many years, and even then it was a rare occurrence. While it's most likely that I have stunted physical growth because of malnutrition, I can go days without eating without feeling any negative side effects. This is similar with water as well. I can go over a day or two without water and still be okay, actually most of my childhood I drank some water in the morning and then didn't drink anything until 5pm.

As for everything else, I wasn't really allowed to express emotions growing up after my birth parents. While my birth mother would sometimes beat me just to see me cry because she thought it was funny, in the foster home I spent the most time in any reaction from me that wasn't positive or praise was considered problematic. (more about the foster home later)



I'll also add that one of the things that kept me alive, ironically, was the thought of how easy it was to die. The first time I tried killing myself was when I was 5, where I had trained the dog I was living with to lay on a pillow wherever it was put. I'd then lay down and get the dog to lay on that, effectively suffocating me. The dog left after attacking a different kid (who tried killing it) and I was removed after.

My entire childhood I planned my own suicide in all sorts of ways. I've tried stealing and taking pills, I used to keep cups of bleach by my bedside to trick myself into drinking it, I tried laying on streets so cars would crush me, all the way to more elaborate plans I won't share. I don't remember when I started self harming, however I always was sneaky about it because I was always under what was called "arm check" watch. So it stuck mostly to things I could get away with.

I, though I don't know why, have an unnaturally high tolerance to medication, drugs, anaesthetics, and alcohol. I need 3 to 4 times the regular dose of medication for it to impact me, I've never been put under anaesthetics because they've never been legally able to give me a high enough dose to knock me out, and though I've been pressured to drink by adults when I was younger I've never gotten drunk, not even when I was a teen and drank a whole 6 pack.

This has stopped me from overdosing many times, because I've reached the point where I've taken enough medication to actually overdose but didn't. Perhaps this is due to overactive survival instincts, perhaps it's a bizarre quirk. Perhaps my birth parents used to drug me and I gained an early life tolerance. But in summary, only the idea that if I were to die it would be under my own terms was what kept me alive. That and spite, and a fear of abandoning any current foster siblings or pets that I protected from foster siblings that tried killing/maiming them.



To answer you about alters, I'm not entirely sure if I have fully formed alters or not? While my dissociation isn't as bad as it was when I was younger (I'd zone out to the point where I was completely gone for hours. No matter what anyone did I wouldn't react at all) and I eventually learned how to at least move and somewhat speak when it happens.

I do have like a co-host? There's two of me inside my head, and majority of my communication in life has been us talking to each other. However I think it's important to mention that when I was 6 there was a shift? I'm unsure how to word it but this is the closest way I can put it: when I was 6 the original person of the body died and left us two behind.

We had completely different interests, reactions to things, thoughts and dreams and everything. It's to the point that I was moved to another foster home because I was no longer the kid the previous foster parents wanted. And it felt like we had to re-learn how everything worked all over again, because I only knew how to survive.

Every few years that "rebirth" cycle happens again, and the two co-hosts seem to shut off for a bit and then turn back on, but when they turn back on we loose sense of "us" and have to relearn a bunch of things. And not just small things, but big things like school concepts, social rules, what is and isn't acceptable to speak about, how to properly move our body, all of that. Everything feels brighter and more real for a week or two after before it goes back to being dull.

But after that we're still like a new duo living in the head and living in this body. We may have different interests and do differently in school, and I have no clue why it happens. If it is all alters, maybe we're stuck in a perpetual loop of being born, barely surviving, and dying over and over again. It's the only way I can keep track of periods of my life, on which 3 or 4 year period certain iterations of us control the body.

I guess this sort of internal cycle also adds to me not feeling like a real person, because I often loose all the person-ness I've gained and have to read-build my illusion of humanness all over again. What comes naturally to me isn't what a human should be like, and it's unsafe for me to ever be me, at the very least until I can someday find a place safe enough to live.



My main reason for learning how to speak, even though it physically hurts me to do so for any length of time, was so I could learn how to beg people not to kill me. As soon as I sensed adult disappointment I would crouch on the ground and cover my head and beg the adult not to kill me, which got me moved from another foster home after the school called the foster parents too many times asking why I did that.

Eventually I learned that doing that would make people more likely to kill me, so my general perspective of the world my entire life has been "everyone in the world belongs on a ranking system of how much power they have over another person. Teachers and parents have the most, while kids older than you will always have more power. I have less ranking than everyone else around me, so any hurt done to me will always be acceptable. If someone kills me it's well within their ranking to do so." I still struggle to not have this outlook, as I'm used to being treated as more of a pet or novelty than a person.

I don't know if that answers your questions, but that's the best I can do. If there's any more questions you have I can try answering them whenever I find your inbox open again.



Here's the more about foster care, and what I have some questions about. I've mentioned this to someone once, and they said it sounded similar to human trafficking? though I consider it normal.

In the one foster home I stayed at, the one I stayed at the longest, was one where every child that went there had a "ranking". For some extra context: every child there was a legal orphan, all through having birth parents so bad they couldn't stay with them.

The ranking system was based on how "adoptable" the child was. For instance, if you did well in school, didn't have attention put on you, stayed quiet and followed chores and "requests" at the foster home, and basically did what you were told you'd keep a good ranking. This also included not reacting to any trauma you have, not mentioning previous parents (foster or birth), and basically being a child that raised themself. HOWEVER it didn't matter what happened at home, just keeping up appearances and not bothering the foster parents.

While at that foster home over the years I had over 8 foster siblings, though only 5 of them stayed for longer than a few months. When I was 6 the boy already living there tried, and likely succeeded at some point, raping me. The only reason why he was ever caught (he was left home alone with me to babysit, despite him being no where near capable of doing so.) was because a new girl (around 8) had moved in and caught him in the act. She had just come from a place where she'd witnessed rape and freaked out enough that they eventually moved the boy.

Even though she saved me then and at times acted like an older sister, she also was... not happy with her life. She tried killing me multiple times, usually through drowning (both when we were left alone and her telling babysitters that I could swim and putting me in situations where I'd nearly drown). She also tried attack me with a knife a few times, however all the cabinets and drawers in the house were locked so it was rare for her to get anything too sharp.

She also had been planning to murder our foster parents and blame me for it, however someone reported her for trying to get a teacher to have sex with her when she was 13 and got sent away. There was another boy that lived there around my age a few years later that also tried killing me multiple times, usually through strangulation, pushing me onto the road, trying to hang me a few times, attacking me with a knife, and in other ways. He was rather sneaky and had been 2 weeks away from being officially adopted by the foster parents before he tried threatening someone on the school bus.

He had threatened people before and had never actually attacked someone at school, but the bus driver had gotten mad enough that he was suspended. Our foster parents only called him "devil child" and terminated the adoption process and sent him away, despite him doing that and worse to me for years at home.

I had a few other foster siblings similar to that, two other ones that showed sexual interest in me. One simply harassed me while the other raped me nightly for years before eventually being sent away because 3 foster kids at once was "too financially difficult" (even though the foster parents were paid to care for all of us, covering school supplies, clothes, and more. The only clothes I got were the clothes of older foster siblings, sometimes even stuff from previous foster kids I'd never met that was kept in garbage bags in the attic).

There's a lot more I could add, like how in that foster home I was often put to work in their construction business, and how the foster mother was grooming me to have a "special" relationship with her, and more, but first I want to talk about the foster home.



So the ranking system was used not only to basically tell us foster kids whether we'd be able to still stay there/not get abandoned again. It was also used to consider how "considerate" our removal would be. If you had a poor ranking you'd get insulted and lose certain privileges, and if it got bad enough the foster parents would refer to the kid as "devil child" (regardless of age).

A "considerate" removal was where a foster kid would be told they'd be removed a few weeks or months in advance, a bad removal was being kicked out suddenly with all the things you were allowed to keep in garbage bags.

Part of the "considerate" removal (and what the person said sounded like "human trafficking") was the videos we had to make. We would make videos about us doing homework, our likes, us doing chores, stuff like that. A sort of general introduction to the kid, and why anyone watching would want to foster/adopt that kid. These videos would show off all the best qualities of a kid, be burned onto a special CD with the kid's legal name on it, and then played to groups of potential foster/adoptive parents.

The foster parents and the potentials would meet in a room and watch the disk, and whoever was interested would stay behind and ask the foster parents more questions. Whoever was the kid that was staying at the foster home the longest would go and act as a sort of "fact checker" of sorts, because "children are worse at lying".

That, after a few years, ended up being me. I've been in many meetings with groups of adults I don't know and asked about how good my foster siblings were, and sometimes even asked which potential foster parents I liked the most, which would get taken into consideration on which potential foster/adoptive parents my foster sibling(s) would go to.



I'll admit to being selfish and not wanting them to leave, even if they had hurt me. It hurt more having to lie about where I was, but it hurt more seeing adults I mildly recognized come to the door and take my foster siblings away. I always tried to get my foster siblings controlled in some way to avoid them having to be removed, which often made them more mad at me and more likely to lash out, but we'd all been abandoned and I didn't want them to be abandoned again. But perhaps they were luckier, because they got to move out.

Those foster parents of that foster home has a copy of every CD made for all the foster kids, though there's a few that didn't get time to make CDs before they were kicked out. It was all through our local child protective services, but I wasn't allowed any internet presence and few photos of me which means there is a possibility that I was kidnapped (or "misplaced") in the system.

Those foster parents were also... not great. It turns out that the foster mother had had her own biological children removed from her decades ago, and they couldn't have biological children of their own. They wanted a child to replace the one they couldn't have, and were cycling through children until they found one easy enough to control (i remind you children all with birth parents abusive enough that we were all declared legal orphans).

I ended up being controllable enough, though that was also because my social worker abandoned me and I had no outside contacts and a panic-attack inducing fear of adults. Eventually they adopted me and changed my name to one of the foster mother's birth child's names. They forbade me from learning anything about my past OTHER than whatever terrible things my birth parents did.

Unless I was physically working for the foster father (construction business he mostly ignored me. By the time I was 7 I was tiling bathroom floors, and by the time I was 9 I had helped (without ladders or any safety measures) put roofing on roofs). He ignores my physical ailments and always changes the topic whenever I mention anything that isn't "positive" or school, so we lack much of an emotional bond. However he also has never hurt me physically, touched me in any way, or purposefully made me cry. He does ignore everything the foster mother did.



The foster mother had wanted a "special" relationship, and I don't know what else to describe it. Once I knew enough language to speak and make up stories she was telling me about her own trauma and the trauma of her self-help-group/clients. (The foster parents didn't want a disabled kid so I was forced to do home schooling over the summers to "make up" for "my defective brain". They weren't trained and it got ugly many many times because of my brain damage and general inhumanness. Due to the treatment of my birth parents I have brain damage that no one ever checked up on.)

I was raised on stories of rape, abuse, murder, and trauma. The only TV I was ever allowed to watch was construction-work related stuff (so I could better help in the business) or shows with murder. The birth mother would pit the other foster kids against me because I got the "special privilege" of being allowed into the foster mother's office (the only time we ever would see her, other than watching tv._

This "special privilege" included her removing her shirts so I could give her back massages (starting when I was 7), and her telling me about her clients/friends. It also included her sharing her delusions in a religious sort of way, and training me to "be more human".

No matter what i did I could never fully please her, because no matter what I do I will never be a real human. I was never allowed therapy and was the closest thing to therapy I've had was those "Special meetings" with the foster mother. And there the core lessons for me was the following:

No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be worth less than everyone because I am fundamentally inhuman.

Everyone else is always telling the truth compared to me, because I'm fundamentally incapable of experiencing reality.

Everyone plans out their life before they live it. That means that I planned out every single thing that ever happened in my life. That means I wanted every bad thing that happened, and there was no one to blame but me.

That it's not actually that hard to hide a body, and if I try talking to outsiders I'll learn that first hand (this was partially why the foster mother had me watch so many murder and murder mystery shows. It was a reminder of how she could point out all the mistakes the murderers made, AKA how easy it would be for her to kill me and get away with it).

My life is a mistake, something that should have never happened, and if I talked to other people I'd only spread my curse them to be like me.

Never talk about what happens at home. Or your life.



When I was 17 the foster parents moved me to another place in the country where the nearest towns were over an hours drive away and the nearest town with police was 2+hours away. And where the age of adulthood was older than 18, all so I couldn't legally leave them (they have made far far too many stalking, kidnapping, maiming and more threats because they "love me too much to let me go"). And in general keep me as isolated as they could, a thing they've done since I was placed in their care.

There's so much more I could talk about, but this is already far far too long, so I have a few question I hope you could answer?

First, I'd appreciate any reaction or thoughts you could share, I find it helps give me an outside perspective from someone who doesn't think all this to be normal (and therefore more comfortable than the alternative).

Second, would the CDs and method of foster children getting new foster/adoptive parents be considered similar to human trafficking? I really don't think it is, but that comment the person made has stuck with me, and I wanted to get someone else's opinion (it's... not something I can just go and ask someone)/

Third, is it normal for parents (foster, adoptive or otherwise) to want you to raise yourself? I basically was feeding myself (making meals, packing lunches, etc) since I was 7 and helped my foster siblings do so too. I helped do everyone's laundry since I was 6 (my foster siblings and I were so small that just for one basket all three of us would have to grab on and drag it upstairs lol) and have continued to do mine and the foster parents's laundry since. I never got homework help, never did outside activities that would require the foster parents taking me places, I spent all my time in a forest (sometimes camping in it for weekends until I was old enough to be taken seriously if I complained about living conditions (around 13?). etc

Fourth, is it weird that I was required to do so much construction work? I've helped with the demolition and construction of many houses since I was 7-ish, ranging from taking down walls to plumbing to electrical wiring, creating walls, tiling, carpeting, roofing, making decks, etc etc etc. For a few years my bedroom was also used as a tool storage area, with tons of saws, knives, and tools all over the place. The foster mother was well aware of my suicidal tendencies and she would tell me to do it, put my in situations where I could do it, shame me for being "like that", and only cared if it ruined the foster parents' combined reputation.

Fifth, is it wrong for me to be upset at the idea that the only reason why I've ever been considered a wanted child (or wanted in general) is because how my trauma manifested as internal reactions rather than acting out (aka making me more controllable)? I should be happy that I had so many chances at having a family, even if I never stopped feeling like an orphan, right? (sorry, I've been thinking about this a lot for a while. I can't help but feel mad at the friend I have and school peers in the past because they never had to struggle at just the chance for family. They take it for granted. It's unfair.)



Last, does this fall into continued emotional and/or psychological abuse? Compared to my birth parents and other foster parents they seemed amazing to me, however from reading about other people's families I realize that my foster/adoptive parents sound equal or even worse (NOT to make it a competition, I mean "worse" in the sense that I didn't know those things were considered abusive, NOT that other people "have it easy". pain is pain, and no one likes being hurt.)

For instance, for a few months the foster mother was in the hospital and the foster father went to work and then went to the hospital, only coming home to sleep and make sure there was food for us to eat. I thought they were both at the hospital. We had no baby sitters, even though the oldest kid was 8 and the youngest was 5. Or the time that the foster mother threatened to break down my bedroom door and beat me because I was sick and didn't want to go out somewhere that gave me migraines. Or the many times the foster mother would keep insulting and berating me until I cried, but if I ever said anything I was "defending the fact that all I want to do in life is to suffer". Or how much the have laughed at me for trying to explain to them that I need psychological or physical help (the hardest I've ever seen them laugh is when I told them I was suicidal as a kid. They made jokes about me killing myself and how for months after). Or not being allowed water, or having food withheld, or how the foster mother's delusions have grown to the point that for years I've been denied not just the idea that I'm human, but the idea that I'm a living individual.

According to her I'm an extension of herself without autonomy or personhood, no one but her exists, everyone in the world is an illusion, and far far more. Constantly having to not just listen to multiple hour long rants and having to repeat/speak about how right she because she'd remove my access to water or food or online school (this was during the pandemic, which for me was 3 years straight of being in a new place knowing no one and left with 100% of my interaction being her or the foster father. Those years of psychological mind tricks (I have no clue how to explain it, brainwashing is the closest thing but I don't want to say that in case I'm wrong) definitely not done me good.



(That's also ignoring what happened at other foster homes I've lived at. There was a foster father that was... too "loving" towards young children, another who would lock me in a closet if I was in his eyesight too long, and a foster mother that had gotten frustrated at me for only meowing and hissing as I was had been beaten so many times I was afraid to try learning how to speak so she threw me outside to live with the dog. She'd clean me up and say I was telling stories if I said anything about it through my limited language skills, basically just wanted the money).

Apologies for how long this is, I completely understand if it takes you a long time to answer, or if you choose not to answer at all. Thank you for what you do for everyone, and thank you for taking time to answer everyone's stuff. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Thank you for answering all of the questions and explaining to me how you survived. I appreciate all of the time you spent explaining it, and everything you said makes sense to me. This is going to be a long response as well, so I'll put it under 'read more'.

The way you survived is something I wouldn't even think possible, your entire body has adapted to the point where all of your senses have turned off, almost permanently, in order for life to still be possible. It is scary to know that this can even happen, and I hope dearly that this doesn't mess up your health (and I want to say, quality of life, but, uh.) I am sorry the lack of nutrition stumped your physical growth.

While your endurance over pain, hunger, and resistance to medicine might seem impressive, it is a sign of how harsh and dangerous your environment was, and how far you had to adapt in order to survive. It's understandable that it's very hard for you to relate to other people, when you're adapted for much different circumstances of life.

It's also incredible you managed to survive at all, and it makes sense you were always look for a way out, it would not have been possible to survive what you did, without hoping that you could end it. It is devastating what you felt compelled to do, but I'm going to try and stay collected to answer this, because I don't feel like you're looking for a display of emotions.

What you describe as co-hosts in your head, that definitely sounds like alters, but I've never heard of a case like yours, where they're shutting off, dying, and then regenerating and re-learning everything, in order to survive. Again, it makes sense with your living circumstances, that it has to be like that, anyone would burn out and shut off in any way possible, and you have to go thru that cylce in order to keep being alive. Still, I'm very sorry that you have to suffer thru this, and struggle to keep any personality you develop. It sounds like your personality forming was shattered into pieces, and it might take a long time to start recovering it, if it's even possible (I'm not smart about this, I really can't say.)

It would make sense that it stops you from feeling like a person though. I doubt there's a lot of people you can relate to, or even talk about this.

I said I would stay collected writing this, but when I read that you learned to speak only to beg people not to kill you, that felt like a physical blow. I had to close my laptop and take a few minutes. That proves unimaginable cruelty and life danger from humans that you had to endure, and your instincts had to over-write everything, even pain, in order to give you a slight chance of survival, and I know that this type of danger erases everything, your personality and sense of self, until there's nothing but pure survival instinct and it takes over.

People who called the foster parents asking why you did that, likely also understood what kind of cruelty trauma this implied.

The ranking system you described, it makes sense. It's not supposed to be like this. In a humane world, we do not have a ranking system, we are, in theory, supposed to all be equal, and none of us is supposed to do harm to another, thats the theory that society's foundations are set on. There are laws protecting it, or at least in theory, there are laws protecting people from the greatest harm. However, what you experienced from society was not like that. A lot of society is not like that. There are people who are intent on building a hierarchy everywhere, and they do feel entitled to do harm to anyone they set on a lower level. It happens in systems of corporations, education, economy, government, family, any system where there are people with authority over other people. And you have experienced the absolute worst of the worst of it. So you had to pick up their rules, the rules of those who need this hierarchy in order to get away with hurting others, who feel entitled to it and constantly need victims. Me and most other people are disgusted by it, and a lot of people want to believe that people in authority would not abuse the authority to cause harm, but by vast majority, they do.

The reason why this hierarchy is so prevalent among children, is that children are always the most vulnerable demographic, being small, defenseless, and in complete power and dependency of others. So they are the ones who get hurt first from the hierarchy system, who are most likely to fall victims – and not only that, but children will mimic whatever behaviour is presented to them, so they will mimic the hierarchy as well, and continue building it among themselves. This also means that the bigger, more aggressive and opportunistic children, will abuse smaller, more scared, more vulnerable, and more sensitive non-violent children. It is not how things are supposed to work, all children are supposed to be protected and safe from abuse. But you have lived the reality of it, and you know how the system works. Anyone who wants to do harm, will pick someone who can't fight back, and who will not be believed, and they can do to this individual whatever they want to, leaving this person with trauma to recover for ages. This isn't right, it's not humane, normal, or compatible with human life, it's an evil hierarchy that not all humans subscribe to. But it is, in the systems that people with power abuse, extremely common. And utterly devastating to live thru, as someone with no power over anyone else.

And I know that the rule 'anyone who kills you is well within their ranking to do so' feels incredibly true (I've felt this in my family as well), but it is not. Nobody's ranking gives them an authority to end your life, or to take it from you. Nothing can grant people the right to do this. What they're doing is getting away with it, when they shouldn't, and they have no right. This is people acting out of their right, out of what is normal, allowed, or humane. I know it doesn't sound real when so, so many people have done this to you, have tried to kill you, and acted like it was the most normal thing imaginable. But all of this was wrong. I'm sorry if what I'm writing right now is painful, I'm not sure how much I can say without making it worse – if something I said feels bad, feel free to disregard it completely.

*

I think the ranking you describe in your foster care is built in an inhumane way. Rewarding children for being extremely convenient, hiding trauma, hiding emotions, obeying and doing work, and punishing them for any actual normal child behaviour, like being openly traumatized, in pain, defiant, acting out, that's not done in child's benefit. Children deserve better than to be suppressed and play pretense in hopes that someone will some day find them worthy of love. It also invites foster parents who only care about 'keeping appearances' and nothing else to benefit from this system. I want to believe there are foster parents who'd want to help a child recover and live a happy life, and not just to have a convenient person who obeys them in the house.

I am so sorry about the amount of sexual violence, murder attempts, and abuse you had suffered in your foster home. I can see you're writing about it as if it's nothing, so I can assume this was very normal and common for you, and not something devastating and life-damaging (you've been thru worse at that point, so it's no surprise that this doesn't come to you as a huge deal). I'm glad you noticed that it is incredibly hypocritical of the foster parents to send that boy away for threatening someone at the bus, when he'd been doing way worse to you for ages – it had only mattered to the parents when someone else was involved, while you were treated as if your experience didn't matter, and he was again, allowed to do anything. This is wrong, and he should have been sent away for hurting you right away.

I can also kind-of, understand that you bonded strongly with your foster siblings, even if they were hurting you or trying to kill you. Your sense of bonding at this point is so strong, because your survival within the community depends on you having someone on your side, at least a little, at least sometimes. And murder attempts are so common for you, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker, what you needed was someone to make life a little more livable, and despite all the harm, your foster siblings still were that for you. So you didn't want them to go away. That is human and normal. We humans will pick abuse and harm over being completely neglected, alone and isolated. I think your reaction was completely understandable.

It is terrifying to find out that foster homes have removals of kids in such brutal and punishing manner. This is cruelty to children, and I didn't know how horrid the reality of it was. I am so sorry that you were forced to live in such a place.  

About the human trafficking claim, the thing is that the ranking system they had for you, and the videos, do sound extremely oppressive and messed up, almost like they were training you to be obedient and then creating a catalogue for potential 'owners' to watch. It doesn't sound like something loving parents would want to do when picking out a kid, they'd want to spend time with the kid, get to know them personally, not hear about 'qualities' and watch a video that proves obedience. Coupled with the fact that after you were adopted, you were forced to work from the age of 7, and construction work as well, makes it sounds extremely like human trafficking to me. I mean, it's not a 100%, because I assume even in these circumstances, it's possible for a kid to get adopted without necessarily being put to work for no wage (which is human trafficking, being put in a position where you're forced to work to survive, often in bad conditions and without money, or benefits, you only get your life), but the situation they set up sounds like it was made specifically to attract traffickers – in this case, people who wanted a child laborer, with a promise that the kid would be extremely well behaved, obedient, and would do any work required of them. While for complete diagnosis of human trafficking, the foster home would have to take money from the parents in order to take the kids – and I don't know if this is the case or not, I'm not knowledgeable about how foster systems work, it's possible that the money exchange is secretly taking place, or that the person who set it up this way did it on purpose, and is financially benefitting from kids being given to those who are most likely to use them for free child labour. So what I think is that it definitely does cause human trafficking. It created the perfect setup for it and it attracts people who can pick out who they want for free labour. If anyone reading this knows more about it, or could give a better analysis of this, please do. It does look like trafficking to me. Not even necessarily because of the CD's, more because of the obedience training and hierarchy, but the CD's sound so cold and alarming and not like something genuine adoptive parents would want to experience.

It's alarming to know that your foster parents changed your name, modifying your entire identity, and forbade you from learning a lot about your past. It sounds like they were set on controlling who you are allowed to be, and who they are in the story (it's probable they were trying to build a story of saving you, from your horrible birth parents, they would surely look good in comparison no matter what they did, given how extremely you were abused in the past.)

The fact that you worked construction, without any safety measures, without protection or any regulations or rewards, proves that this labour was extracted from you in return for your life, which is trafficking. Even your physical illnesses and pains were ignored. This is something that would be brutal even to an adult to endure, and is generally considered a cruel and unsurvivable thing to go thru. I can tell that after your past, a person who doesn't physically hurt you or make you cry is a big improvement and gave you a sense of physical safety, even if you were required to constantly offer labour in return for life, at least it wasn't pain, damage, life threats and murder attempts, so it makes perfect sense that this just felt, a little off! It's extremely common for victims of abuse, to continue going thru life while suffering some lesser amounts of abuse and thinking it was nothing, or it's no big deal, because we're so used to horrid treatment, anything better than the worst seems like a walk in the park, and we're just grateful that things aren't worse for us. So your reaction to it is completely logical. It's only in the context of looking at it from the eyes of a not-abused person, that it looks pretty horrifying, having to work construction as a child, with a person who fails to have any bond with you, while having effectively no caretakers, nobody to emotionally rely on, all while just being grateful things aren't worse.

Your foster mother was parentifying you, meaning she wanted you to take care of her, instead of it being the reverse. It's disturbing that they called your brain 'defective', because it's anything but that, your brain is one of the most brilliant masters of survival, you should be given a lot of credit for going thru all of what you did, and ending up this intelligent, coherent, communicative, clear and understanding. I understand you had to become this way out of necessity and because you had no other choice, but I believe you should still be given credit that you did all that, despite how little you had to work with.

It's also disturbing they only allowed you to watch construction and murder, it's like they wanted your entire world to be reduced to working, and knowing that you can be killed at any minute, it's almost like a threat and a blackmail in order to keep you obedient and working at all times – not that they needed to, you were already in so much terror it was unlikely you would disobey.

The 'special privilege' your mother was claiming to give you was really just parentification, possibly emotional incest (asking massages and expecting you to emotionally cater to her needs). It's very likely that she could be narcissistic. The core lessons she taught you were so dehumanizing and put you in a position where you could only have worth as much as you can be of use to her – which is how narcissist view others. This is not normal or common. You were human the entire time, more human than she was.

You are more than capable of experiencing and effectively describing reality, the way you described it here to me is both eloquent and easy to understand, regardless of how horrifying and dark your reality is. You are good at expressing what happened, and at analyzing it as well. So why would she set rules that would blame you for everything bad that ever happened to you, when you had absolutely no control over it? In order to be able to do more bad things to you, and never be held accountable. She also wanted to keep you silent from ever telling on her (if you talk to others you'll spread the curse) and if you are inconvenient or troublesome we can kill you (it's not hard to hide a body). I feel like you already understand that all of the rules are only self-serving for her, and made so that again, she'd have so much power over you, she could get away with anything.

But in reality, all of those core values are bullshit, and only a cruel, inhumane and evil person could ever impose that on a child (or any other person, really).

I know it can feel devastating that even after all that abuse, you ended up in another threatening, dangerous and exploitative situation, but again, this is pretty common for victims of heavy abuse, that we often find ourselves in some other version of abuse, and usually we go bit by bit until we reach a healthier stage. You can move on from this and find a better environment that will value your humanity in a real way. You were never anything other than human, but you were put in a lot of situations that made it hard for you to feel that, or rather, too painful to feel it. It's easier on the heart to believe you do deserve all this, and that you are to blame, rather than to think that you were a helpless, blameless kid subjected to cruelty for no other reason than someone wanted it, and could get away with it.

To answer your questions:

Even though your life is so dark, I find myself relating to the parts of the story, which scares me, but also gives me hope that you can find a way to freedom, even with a situation this dire. I can tell that you're calm and collected thru it all, which I admire, but it also makes me think you are completely numb and dissociated from the pain you're experiencing, so that you could talk coherently and calmly. However, you're asking for an outside perspective of someone who doesn't think it's all normal – while I don't think it's normal at all, I might not be the best outside perspective, since I'm also viewing it from the lens of abuse. I think true outside perspective would be to be completely and utterly horrified, shocked, devastated and shaken by everything you've been thru, which I do feel as well, but I'm not going to be of much help if I give in to feelings.

The CD's themselves, I don't think are a proof of trafficking, though they are weird, cold, and combined with everything else, do play a part in enabling the trafficking. It is good to ask questions, there are people who know and understand far more about human trafficking, and you should keep asking, and pointing out what feels off to you. You did end up in a situation where two people with absolutely no desire to care for a child, have gotten a child who was sure to obey their orders, work for them for free, take care of one of them emotionally, and endure dehumanizing and threatening environment. This is a form of trafficking – and I should say, trafficking doesn't always feel like you're trafficked. It feels like 'this is just what life is and I should be grateful that it's not worse, because I know worse, I could be dying on the street right now, but if I do this I'll be allowed to live'. And I believe that you are in this situation, and it's not your fault, and there's not much you can do about it immediately.

I don't think its normal for any kind of parents to expect you to raise yourself. That is just severe neglect and parentification (expecting the child to act the role of a parent or a caretaker). You should have had meals and clothes provided to you, you should have had actual care and gentleness and opportunity to talk about what happened to you and what is bothering you. And you should have never been give to people who would mess you up even further, do damage to your brain, threaten you or try to convince you that you're not human. You should have gotten help with homework and everything else. You shouldn't have been put in a situation where you're responsible for the care of very young children when you were 6. You should have been taken places and given happy experiences. You should have been given good living conditions and peace of mind. You should have been told that you're a good child, that you're doing well, and that everyone wants you around and is proud of you.

I'm curious about the forest, because I love the forest, does it feel safe for you to be in the nature? I want to be in the forest forever.

4. And your fourth question about the construction work – no, thats trafficking. Your room should not have been used as a storage either. You were used as a free worker and a servant, and not treated as a child there to be cared for and healed from sever trauma. Also your foster mother pushing you to suicide, thats hateful and gross. It should have never happened.

5. It's not wrong for you to be upset. You were wanted as a free worker because they realized it would be easy to threaten you into obedience, and that you're way too scared of adults to ever disobey, or complain about anything. Your trauma put you in a situation where you would once again, be exploited. It's also normal for you to still feel like an orphan, since none of your parents did any caretaking, or took the role of actually parenting you at any point, they did not build a bond with you, they only kept using you, and you had no idea of knowing that this wasn't normal, or that it was neglect and abuse. It's normal to be mad at other people who take their families for granted, when it's something you sacrificed everything for. It really is not fair.

6. You did well to figure out that your foster parenting experience is not normal, that could not have been easy. Compared to your birth parents, I believe, anyone would seem amazing. Just less violence and less murder threats is amazing compared to constant attempts and constant violence. The only way you could have judged them is by comparison, and your birth parents were off the charts, most cruel and vicious beings imaginable. And I appreciate you pointing out that you're not making a competition out of it, it's true, we're not making a competition, but we can say one type of abuse is more life threatening than the other, and that different abuse brings out different kinds of feelings and consequences, and that some types of sever abuse, make other types seem invisible, harmless, no big deal, or even amazing.

What you describe about your mother saying 'all you want to do in life is suffer' and laughing at you for needing psychological and physical help, even when you're suicidal, is once again, hateful and cruel behaviour, and nobody should have done this to you. Accusing you of 'wanting your suffering' is insane. Laughing at a suicidal kid is inhumane. That is not funny, to normal humans it's devastating.

Your mother treating you as an extension of herself sounds a lot like she's trying to achieve enmeshment and engulfed relationship, like what narcissistic mothers do, because she wants you to be bonded to her, but in a way that you care for her, while she doesn't care for you. This isn't fair, and it's not normal. You are not an extension of anyone, you are yourself, and you have the right to do things that benefit you, and only you, and it does not make you selfish. You also have the right to refuse the things that hurt you, and everyone should respect that. Removing access from food, water or online school, is violation of your human rights, and not a punishment that is normal, or legal to use. I am so sorry you were alone with them and brainwashed for so long. I feel that you are so incredibly intelligent that you will see thru it, and I'm sure you're right to say it. Being isolated with people who see nothing human in you, would brainwash anyone.

Again, I am so sorry for what everyone have put you thru, they had no right. The other events you're describing are also horrifying and sound too painful to bear. You were treated worse than people treat animals, and they could have not do any of this to you, and they would have been just fine. It was their choices to do this.

Thank you for reaching out and for answering my questions, I knew it was selfish of me to ask, but I'm glad you got back to me and responded. I hope my answer helps you a bit, and you can keep talking to me if you want to. I'll try to open my inbox sooner this time.

[akai-anna]

So I just recently read your post about decto relationships with the bingo card thing, and I enjoyed it a lot and wanted to hear more of your opinions on other relationships. I would like to see which other relationships you choose and how you view them.

Firstly, I would like you to know: I cannot even put into words how happy this ask made me (the fact someone was curious enough to ask something from me unprompted! the fact that SOMEONE TOOK THE TIME TO APPROACH ME TO ASK!! AND ABOUT DETCO!!!), so thank you very much for making my day with this and giving me that dopamine rush. (Also, thank you for your patience, I got too busy and took me much longer to answer than expected!)

Secondly, notes still apply:

as in the previous ask about relating to this topic, i interpret relationships in the broadest possible sense

i check everything that makes sense to me, even if they seem contradictory; i view them applied to different situations/universes/possibilities

ship opinion bingo in question

*cracks fingers and rolls up sleeves* Now, let's get down to business.

I. Kudou Shinichi/Edogawa Conan - Miyano Shiho/Haibara Ai - Detective Boys Trio

The Elementary Squad

I have A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM SO GET READY.

In general, the friendship (friendship is a canon relationship!) these 4 (then eventually 5) little menaces of my heart share, is so very precious. The way these 3 latched onto him, and integrated him into their little group, how Shinichi LITERALLY ACTS LIKE HIMSELF AROUND THEM DESPITE THE KIDS HAVING NO IDEA ABOUT HIS TRUE IDENTITY. HE IS AUTHENTIC AROUND THEM. Also I forgot the number of times the kids called Shinichi out on his BS (like him switching between his adult and child speech patterns when interacting with adults/the police and disappearing acts) and how many times they all get in soooo much trouble because they are lil troublemakers, so curious, never saying no to adventure.

Shinichi is a mentor to them, teaching them about stuff but also their friend. Shinichi is Big Brother material, and the kids know that they can count on him, turn to him in need, and Shinichi cannot help but indulge them, involving them in stuff to an extent, while also trying his damnedest to keep them safe and protect them (even at his own risk and safety, bodily protecting them).

And then you add Ai to the mix, and she gets integrated into their tight-knit little group. Not only Shinichi finally has a connection to the BO with her, but also someone who is in the same situation as himself and someone who needs his protection. (AND SOMEONE WHO TEASES HIM LIKE HE DESERVES IT! AI-SHINICHI BANTER IS SO GOOD! LOVE THEM!) And Ai finds herself not only friends but a family. (Sometimes a family is one middled aged man, 2 fake and 3 real elementary students.)

She encounters unconditional kindness, which melts her cool exterior and as time passes she not only comes to care about these people, but also learns to lower her barriers. And ultimately makes the choice to be with them despite the risks.

You can give me these 5 kids in almost any combination and I would be so happy to see them (and could talk about them for hours without stopping, almost did them in different combinations separately, God, save my soul). Special mention: Mitsuhiko-Shinichi/Conan dynamic gets to me so bad because Mitsuhiko is the most curious of the 3, when it comes to knowledge. He LOVES learning, and applying what he knows (just like a certain someone we know). And Mitsuhiko learns well; he absorbs what Shinichi tells and shows him. (And I love how complex his feelings are about that.) Also the parallel between Heiji and Mitsuhiko, my HEART-

I could go on forever about these children of mine (AYUMI AND MITSUHIKO'S PUPPY CRUSHES ON SHINICHI AND AI RESPECTIVELY, HOW THEY ALL PLAY SOCCER AND HIDE AND SEEK TOGETHER, THEIR LIL ANTICS, HOW THE KIDS LEARN TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES- *GETS SMACKED WITH A PILLOW IN THE FACE*), so have this utterly adorable lil thing to close this section.

⊱✿⊰

II. Vermouth/Chris Vineyard/Sharon Vineyard -Kudou Shinichi/Edogawa Conan (- Mouri Ran)

This is such a delightfully precious and weird dynamic. I don't even know how to describe it, really because 1) there is so little content of this (WHERE IS MY VERMOUTH BACKSTORY/ARC!!! WHERE!!! WHERE IS MORE OF THEM!!! WHERE!!!) relationship in particular and 2) how do you even label something so unusual? Vermouth having such a solid opinion of Shinichi and Ran while the other two are so unsure what is exactly going on. (Shinichi is definitely suspicious of her with GOOD REASOn but also Weirded out I feel while Ran knows even less.) SO BEAUTIFULLY IMBALANCED AND WEIRD.

I guess, in short: Vermouth having a life-altering meeting with these two, only for Shinichi and Ran for it to be The Most Natural Thing?

I JUST LOVE HOW VERMOUTH IS SO FOND OF THESE TWO. (SHE LITERALLY HAS PHOTOS OF THEM!!!) HOW MUCH SHE WANTS THEM TO BE SAFE. SO MUCH SHE EVEN RISKS HER OWN LIFE AND SAFETY.

SO MUCH SHE WOULD SCHEME AND LIE TO KEEP THESE TWO SAFE. (SHE FCKIN!!!! DRAPED HER OWN COAT OVER HIM I'M!!! KDSNVKJSDVNKJSD *SCREAMS AT TOP LUNG CAPACITY* SHE FREAKING MADE AMURO PROMISED NOT TO HARM RAN AND SHINICHI, I'M GOING BONKERS!!!)

SO MUCH SHE WOULD EVEN TURN A GUN AGAINST ANOTHER BO MEMBER, WOULDN'T LET ANYONE ENDANGER THEM NOT EVEN HERSELF.

I'M! SCREAMING!! Love me a morally grey woman with her own agenda.

NOT ONLY THAT BUT SHE WOULD ALSO HELP THEM OUT? HER COVERING FOR THIS GReMLIn i'M DEAD, The WInK-

BUT SHE ALSO WOULD DO THIS:

(THE FREAKING GIRLY RUN SHE DOES AND THE LITTLE HEART, SHE KNOWS SHE'S OPENLY BEING A LIL SHIT TO SHINICHI AND I'M THRIVING-)

THEY ARE HER TREASURES YOUR HONOUR!!!

Each and every interaction with them has me IN ABSOLUTE HYSTERICS, MAKING ME GO CRAZY. For closing this section, I leave you with a (bad quality) gif I made (in a rush) because this part in the anime MAKES ME LOSE IT EVERY TIME. THE SLOW MOTION, THE WAY HE HOLDS HIM BY THE HANDS AND GENTLE WAY SHE SETS SHINICHI DOWN, I CANNOT.

⊱✿⊰

III. Hattori Heiji - Tooyama Kazuha - Mouri Ran - Kudou Shinichi/Edogawa Conan

THE OSAKA DUO (AKA FIRECRACKER PAIR) and the Tokyoites (AKA THE BIGGEST HEIZUHA SUPPORTERS OUT THERE)

I'll be honest, at first I planned to include only Kazuha & Heiji in this but then I started looking for scenes in the manga and got obliterated by my love for the 4 of them. (And yes, I know I already did Heiji & Shinichi in the previous ask, I love them, sue me. Also, i wanted to count "Not dating but married nonetheless" for Heizuha BC THEY ARE, but this ended up as a 4 character thing so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

To make it short: I FREAKING ADORE THEM.

In more detail: Heiji-Kazuha AND Shinichi-Ran both come in sets, DO NOT SEPARATE THEM. Then you put them all together THEY MAKE A WHOLE SET, A UNIT, A SQUAD.

But also there are different combinations: The Detectives And Cursed Bad Luck Duo, The Superstitious Girl Duo, The Not Dating But Married Couple, THE DATING HUSBAND AND WIFE DUO, THE SEPARATE TRIO COMBOS. *RIPS OF CLOTHES AND ROARS* ALL SO VERY GOOD.

THEY ARE JUST SO PRECIOUS TO ME, and they are just So- *CLENCHES FIST* THE BACK AND FORTH TEASING IN ALL KINDS OF COMBINATIONS, THE RUNNING INSIDE JOKE MOMENTS OF KAZUHA SAYING SHINICHI SOLVES CASES FASTER THAN HEIJI (TO HEIJI'S ETERNAL ANNOYANCE), OR HOW THE GIRLS THINK HEIJI AND SHINICHI/CONAN ARE LIKE BROTHERS-

BUT ALSO BEING A WITNESS TO ALL THE WEIRD CONAN-THINGS, OR HOW THE BOYS BOND OVER THEIR LOVE FOR THEIR GIRLS AND THE GIRLS BONDING OVER THEIR LOVE FOR THEIR BOYS, AND BEING THE BIGGEST SUPPORTERS OF EACH OTHER'S HAPPINESS (CONFESSING FEELINGS TO THEIR BELOVEDS).

MY BI ICON KAZUHA, NOT TO MENTION RAN'S CONFESSION IN KANSAI-BEN I'M FERAL, THESE GIRLS LOVE AND CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER (and the boys too, but more on that later) SO DEEPLY, IT'S ENDEARING.

RAN LITERALLY, ON HER SECOND MEETING WITH KAZUHA, NOT ONLY SEEING SHE IS UPSET, BUT ALSO GOING OUT OF HER WAY TO CHEER HER UP I'M!!! BEST GIRL!!! TRULY AN ANGEL!!! (Ya really are a nice girl, Ran, I CONCUR.)

THEN OF COURSE WE CANNOT NOT MENTION THE OSAKAN DUO. THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE AROUND EACH OTHER, it's one of my favourite things, so UNABASHED WITH EACH OTHER IN WAY. They are (not dating BUT) MARRIED YOUR HONOUR, they really are like an old married couple.

Honestly, I Just keep THINKING of them all BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DEAR, I'M SCREAMING-

Also, it's so rarely mentioned but (because there is just so little of it in canon WHICH IS A CRIME, GET ON THE CASE BOYS) SHINICHI/CONAN-KAZUHA IS ESPECIALLY PRECIOUS TO ME, they have such great potential. Every time I SEE THEM INTERACT EVEN FOR A SECOND I GO APESHIT, ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. There is just something about Shinichi calling her "Kazuha" and "Kazuha-chan", the possibility of them BONDING OVER THEIR BELOVEDS AND YEARS OF PINING (because both Heiji and Ran can so oblivious it's endearing) but also bonding over HOW STUPID HEIJI IS AT TIMES, but also how much they both care for him and Ran. My dream is to see Kazuha make/get Shinichi a protective charm (let's be honest, hE NEEDS IT, and Heiji's seems to be sorta effective). There is a parallel there (now only if I could find the post for it). Also Shinichi not only being OK with Kazuha picking him up (LETTING HER!!!) BUT ALSO BEING FINE WITH KAZUHA HOLDING HIM!!! (FOR A WHOLE CONVERSATION!!!)

Also, ShinRan sharing that braincell.

I hope you enjoyed this wild rambling ride, dear Anon, and thank you for asking, I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! May you have a blessed day, darling!

[aceonice]

Author interview:

thanks for the tag, bestie @thehollowone16

1. How many works do you have on ao3:

200, mostly oneshots

2. What's my total ao3 wc:

843,871

3. What are my top 5 fics by kudos:

Submission Magnus Is Quite... Magical Smells Like Heaven Little Miracles  Perfect Match

4. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to, but I got busy and now I'm so behind that it's intimidating

5. What fic has the angstiest ending?

The Day Clary Lost Her Wings is unresolved Clary angst and (Tell Me How To) Say No To This which ends with a malec wedding but is still hella angsty and very dark so please mind the tags

6. What fic has the happiest ending?

The Heart Of A Home ends with Magnus, Alec, Jace cuddles (malec with platonic Jalec)

7. Do you write crossovers?

I wrote Damaged, But Not Beyond Repair which features Raven Reyes from The 100 in a malec fic. That's the closest I've gotten to a crossover, but maybe someday I'll write more.

8. Have you received hate on ao3?

Yeah, a couple comments. Mostly on my darker fics that say "don't like don't read" but I think those commenters can't read that well so

9. Do you write smut?

Yup~

10. Have you had a fic get stolen?

Yeah, someone was posting stolen fics on Wattpad and included a couple of mine.

11. Have you had a fic get translated?

Nope! @soulless-baka should translate one to German just so I can say yes <3

12. Have you co-written a fic?

Two!

Heads, *Shoulders*, Knees, and Toes with @missyousofar and The Bane of Texas with @somesleepysloth

13. What's your fav ship?

Romantic: Magnus/Alec (Shadowhunters), Viktor/Yuuri (Yuri On Ice), Mon/Sam (Gap The Series), Beatrice/Ava (Warrior Nun)

Platonic: Yuuri & Yurio (& Viktor), and just about any platonic ship I can get my hands on tbh

Familial: Alec, Izzy, and Jace

14. What's a WIP you want to finish but never will?

I don't post WIPs, but I have a malec fake dating fic in the works that may or may not be finished one day as well as a canon divergent fic where Alec winds up an accidental King of Edom after killing Lilith and works together with Magnus who has been trapped in Edom by his father.

15. What are my writing strengths?

Uh... dialog? I guess? I don't know, if you've read my writing, you tell me~ I've been told I write sensitive topics well which is nice

16. What are my writing weaknesses?

I want to improve how I write settings, pacing, and general plotting. I'd like to make my writing prettier too.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages on ao3?

However someone wants to include different languages is good with me, but I do have a preference for including a translation somewhere because I don't want to google it

18. What's the first fandom you wrote for?

Supernatural. The fic has since been deleted because I wrote it forever ago.

19. What fandom/ship have you not written but want to?

I'm mostly into writing original stuff right now, but I'd like to write a fic from Yurio's perspective some day. I've written at least 1 fic for most of my favorite fandoms, including Yuri On Ice. I think it could be fun to try writing for a book fandom one day.

20. What's your fav fic you've written?

Uncommon Flavors which is a malec fic wherein Alec has narcolepsy and a service dog, Magnus runs a bakery, and some miscommunication and flirting happens.

Tagging @missyousofar @dicaculus @myulalie and anyone who sees this~

[peculiarmarsu]

"Something completely different" continues, as I was about to throw away a comic reading challenge sheet that I snatched from Keski-Suomen Sarjakuvaseura, but decided to think through the prompts before doing so. So under -read more- you'll find some musings of mine about comics I ended up reading this year. There's some pics too!

I'll start with some comics that were the topic for book talk meetups arranged by the aforementioned comic group. I've never attended such meetups before, and these turned out really interesting! Even I babbled away my thoughts despite usually being on the silent and shy side. Way to go me!

The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck - Don Rosa Prompt: The protagonist gets older during the events of the comic. Donald Duck comics were a part of my childhood, and I especially loved the works of Don Rosa. It's been ages since I read any though, so it was neat to jump back to this big chronicle and read it properly in its entirety. This time I read it in English, which was something with the different accents.

Valotusaika - Avi Heikkinen Prompt: Features a pet/other house or farm animal. I had read this before but had another go for the session. Interesting comic that uses edited photos, yet not in any stiff way I think - the posing and expressions are great! It tells a story about a man who's been kicked to the head by life a lot, who finds a camera that can show the past. The first part of the comic has quite heart-wrenching climax ;u;

Anne Frank's Diary - Ari Folman, David Polonsky Prompts: People oppose the leading powers & the comic tells of loneliness. This was my first touch on Anne Frank's Diary, and I think the comic form works well here and helps to visualize things such as how cramped the attic space really was. The art is really pretty too, and many panels look like frames straight out of an animated movie (which there later was).

Now onto comics I read outside of the book talk sessions.

This shelf used to contain art supplies...

4. Bird in Wonderland - Taiga Sassa Prompts: Comic is a travel story, comic is relaxing, comic where people are nude, comic where sweets are eaten, comic where something embarrassing happens, comic where a celebration is held. Many prompts... They started releasing this in Finnish this year, and I thought to give it a go! This year in general has felt like I wanted to try out more comics, and find new ones to follow to fill slowed down schedules of some. I hadn't heard of this series beforehand, but it's been a nice travel story to read, based on real journey by Isabella Bird. So far emphasis is definitely on comic is relaxing, as it really is joy to read.

5. Emma - Kaoru Mori Prompts: Includes a speech or public performance, comic that's been on your reading list for long, comic includes cleaning or laundry (definitely!), visit in a park or garden, includes hugs or kisses, includes travel by train. Many prompts again! This got a new release this year in Finnish, and I wanted to catch that because I was too much a teenager in its first run. I actually just today read the last two books :D This was another comfy read. Emma as a protagonist is fairly odd and distant as we hardly get to see her thoughts, her antics are rather followed from the view of the myriad of other characters. Yet I was still as invested how her love story develops as her maid colleagues and others :'D I was suprised to find out the later volumes were mostly side stories, some quite whatever but couple more interesting.

6. Night of the Living Cat - Hawkman, Mecha-Roots Prompts: Released 2023 (started 2022 but on-going... :D), series has an interesting name. A comic that I ran into here on tumblr, just from seeing one page with cat paws, that intrigued me enough to seek where this art was from. Amazing zombie parody, where people turn into cats upon contact. I love this, probably my THE COMIC of 2023. Apparently someone who's worked on the English publication is here on tumblr too *waves*

7. Hevosjumala - Sami Makkonen Prompts: The events aren't told in chronological order, interesting name. The name means 'horse god'. This randomly caught my eye in a book store, and on first glance I was little sceptic about the art style if it looked little too messy to comprehend, but took it with me anyway. Aside couple character mess-ups, the art didn't prove a problem after all, fits the feeling and themes definitely! And by that I mean it's a paranormal horror story with some nice folktale twists.

8. Candy & Cigarettes - Tomonori Inoue Prompts: Protagonist is a child/youngster, includes a crime. This was actually a recommendation at a panel in Tampere Kuplii. I'm not normally one for crime genre, but the art style spoke to me in this. Some of the goons remind me of early Toriyama's work :D Protagonist duo is made of a child assassin and an elderly ex-cop who has to join forces with the former to earn money for his grandson's treatment. Graphic violence and heavy themes, but also a lovable protagonist duo trying to help each other out.

9. Ilmarin Koijaiset - Jenni Välikangas Prompts: Features rainbow family or couple (is that term commonly used in English?), less than 100 pages, features pet. I got interested in this comic after seeing the original pages up on an exhibition - the paintwork is GORGEOUS. Tells a story of a guy who moves onto her aunt's island to take care of it and the dog while aunt is away. Turns out the island isn't quite what it seems!

10. Delicious in Dungeon - Ryoko Kui Prompts: Includes hunting/fishing/foraging, something surprising happens in the comic. Yep, been reading this too, and the volumes 11 and 12 are ordered. Idk what to say here, great and interesting story and worldbuilding, lovely and distinctive characters and great art! Even with the rather "monster of the week" style the chapters often have going on, the in-depth approach makes it interesting.

11. Fullmetal Alchemist - Hiromu Arakawa Prompts: Comic features a border, travel via train, features a pet. A classic that I re-read again this year after scavenging all the books from my folks' attic :D But I.. sure don't like... how the title is upsidedown when stacked like that... and it doesn't make sense to me to have the back up.. augh.

I read other titles too as well, but these listed here were the ones that came to mind for the prompts. Annnyway, congrats I guess if you read all that? Feel free to comment and babble your opinions if you will~

[yourinterestisnotcringe]

i hope this isn't too much, but i'm nosy! do every odd-numbered smosh question :]

Aah! XD Thank you 😌❣️

Here you go (this got so lengthy omg sorry).

1. Ian or Anthony?

The age old question huh?

You know what? I was asked this before (on a more shallow level I guess but it still fits) and I will repeat myself: "Anthony has Perfect Hair and is very attractive to me. But i was very much very intrigued by Ian as a whole from day 1 and that hasn't changed." (quote by me, sometime between july and now)

On a less shallow level: I relate to Anthony a lot regarding lots of things and respect his journey very much. But Ian - idk what it is, I was drawn to him since day 1 and can also relate to him on several levels. I genuinely find him hilarious. I also know/knew and like(d) people in RL that are very much like him. (Or, at least the way he makes us perceive him.)

3. What's your favorite channel between main/pit/games?

I replied to this here.

5. Do you have a favorite Smosh video? What is it?

I just thought to myself: why did I reblog this ask game? Why am I doing this to myself? I generally am VERY bad at answering questions about favorite things. I cheat all the time. I have several favorite Smosh videos, depending on the criteria. But I'm gonna go with the answer that is probably the most boring one:

Pokémon Theme Song from 2005. (rip)

To me it symbolizes a lot of things and without it I probably wouldn't have found Smosh - or I would've, but a lot later. It evokes many good feelings in me and finding it for sure changed some stuff and influenced me, even though I didn't know it at the time. Lot's of momentous things happened to me in 2006, discovering Smosh via this video was one of them.

7. What is your favorite series on Smosh (main channel)?

Let's do This! !! Followed by uh maybe Pokémon in Real Life, Funeral Roasts and Interviewing Exes.

9. What is your favorite series on Smosh Games?

Would you believe me if I told you that I was stuck on this question for like half an hour? T_T I really like many series on that channel and they did so many different things... And in the end it's still a tie. It's the very basic (?) and classic Gametime w/ Smosh and the very uh, basic (?) Board AF :')

11. What's something you want to see come back?

Easy: Let's Do This! :')

13. Do you ship anything/love any friendship pairs?

I'm actually fine with any ships, romantically or platonically. If I watch any combo long enough and imagine them in random situations I can see them as a ship (platonic or otherwise), or a intriguing combo at the very least. I do enjoy content about Ian &/ Anthony, and pretty much other popular combos. A combination I've seen less of and that I love is Tommy + Ian and Courtney + Ian. However you want to interpret this, I love their dynamics and what my head provides me with about them. As a sidenote and apart from any shipping business: Courtney's and Ian's friendship is very very dear to me, if you (general) have any clips/interview/audio/whatever where their friendship is being shown/the topic, feel free to send it to me. I would be so so grateful :')

15. What castmember do you think you are most like?

Ok so I asked my sibling because I wasnt sure about this. And they said: Ian, Sarah (we both miss her dearly and we'll count her as cast for this) and Amanda. I agree tbh.

17. What do you want to see now that Anthony's back?

Summer/Winter Games :')

19. Is there a video/series you really loved when you were younger?

Lunchtime with Smosh! 🥹 (Ian is Bored too..I know, this is cheating ;_;)

21. Did you ever watch Smosh the movie?

Yes! More than once 🤭😆

23. Tell me an unpopular Smosh opinion.

I'm more excited for the concept and existence and bts of Food Battle returning than for the Food Battle 2023 video itself. Don't know if that's an unpopular opinion though. I'm very exited and am looking forward to it very much, and it looks very good. But I enjoy the Food Battle series on a rather meta level and am not as emotionally involved as with other stuff.

25. It's food battle time. You picking a pink frosted sprinkled donut, or some stick-shaped food?

Thank youuu!!

[Smosh Ask Game]

[hyacinths-in-a-storm]

Museum Visits and Past Lives

Tyzula Week: Day 5 Reincarnation/Soulmates

You can read it here on archive of our own as well

A/N: I don't know how to flirt, which I feel is clearly communicated through this fic

For Azula’s senior thesis, she had gone with the topic of love.

Of course if she told her professors that they would laugh in her face. There were so many types of love and so many different ways of interpreting it that it would take an eternity to formulate and write it all. She had so many examples from just from her own life to draw upon.

She could talk about her parents who met under unsavory conditions to say the least, and yet stayed together through the hardest of times, raising a family with the gentlest hand. She could talk about the persistent love between her brother and his boyfriend. They had dated in high school, broke up and found each other again at some obscure bar, now they were planning their wedding.

Of course there were types of love that had nothing to do with romance. The type of love between her and Zuzu. One second they were fighting like dogs, Azula making some snide comment about the birth-mark that covered a good portion of his face, Zuko responding with kicking her knees in, and the next second Zuko was asking what Azula wanted from McDonalds on his way home from work. Then there was the relationship between her father and his brother. There was a tenseness, courtesy of their father who had kept them at each other's throats for years. Yet when Uncle Iroh called just before dinnertime on a warm summer day, crying that his wife had finally succumbed to stage 4 breast cancer, Father promptly closed his computer, got up, and drove one and half hours to comfort him.

The point Azula is trying to make was that there were a lot of different types of love, and if she had to spend one more hour trying to come up with a thesis statement about it, she was going to explode. Which is why she was here today sitting down on a bench in the Republic National Museum of History, at the Post-War Era exhibit.

She was staring at an ink painting. It was uncharacteristically calm compared to the other paintings which depicted either gory battles or assassinations. This painting showed a calm pond with five people, even the lines in the painting seemed slightly blurred, further adding to the softness of the picture. There was a man with a cup of tea in the background, he seemed to be motioning at the painter to join them, two kids, both girls, chased each other around the duck pond. But what caught Azula’s attention was the last two women, who were leaning against each other. One of them was dipping her head while the other whispered in her ear. According to the plaque they were “General Azula, and her companion Kyoshi Warrior Ty Lee” the purposeful vagueness of the phrasing piqued her interest. She would have to make sure she researched it when she got home.

Azula’s thoughts were interrupted by a clearing throat. She turns to see a girl standing next to her.

“Hi, can I sit here next to you?” she asks,

“Oh of course, go ahead.” she says making space for her, and the girl settles down next to her,

“It’s a rather pretty painting.” she says, motioning to painting,

“It is.” Azula agrees, there’s no one else around in this exhibit, and the silence stretches out between them,

“Did you know that there is significant evidence to show that those two women over there, General Azula and Kyoshi Warrior Ty Lee, were lovers.” the stranger said, pointing at the two women,

“Really? What was the evidence?” Azula was intrigued now,

“Well for starters, General Azula gifted Ty Lee the head piece of royal consort.” she said, her eyes sparkling with amusement,

“What a good friend.” Azula snickered,

“Exactly, supposedly they even shared the same chambers, just like close friends do.” Azula had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from laughing,

“That was my response when I first heard about it too. Well, that and the fact I shared a name with the Kyoshi Warrior.”

“Your name is Ty Lee?” Azula asked,

“Yep, my mom was a Kyoshi warrior so she wanted her daughter to have a name that reflected that.”

“That’s so strange, my name is Azula.”

“Really?” Ty Lee looked at her in surprise,

“Yeah, my mom is a historian, she specializes in Fire Nation history, specifically the 100-Year-War Era, and the Era of Peace. Her senior thesis was on General Azula I think, and she liked the name so much she named me Azula.” Azula told her, “What a coincidence right?”

“It really is.” Ty Lee paused for a second as if weighing two options, “So, do you come here often?” she finally asked,

“I used to, when I was kid, my mom worked as a curator here for ten years so we get free entry whenever we want. I haven’t been able to come here as often because of college.” Azula sighed,

“Oh that’s cool, what major?” Ty lee propped her chin up with her hand, staring intently her,

“Psychology.” Azula’s heart started to beat a little harder, when she noticed the extra attention,

“Really? So do I! I study developmental psychology, what about you?” she asked,

“Mental illnesses mostly, things like anxiety and depression and how they can affect a person physically and emotionally. We’re just full of coincidences today, aren’t we?” Ty lee laughed at that, which brought me a sense of joy four years of psychology couldn’t explain, so I just nodded, biting the inside of my cheek to stop me from smiling like an idiot,

Ty Lee’s phone rang, interrupting the moment. She looked at the screen sighing,

“Well that’s my cue to leave, but it was nice talking to you Azula.” she said with a slight bow,

“It was nice talking to you as well.” Azula responded, hoping that her blush wasn’t as obvious as thought it was,

“Oh, and before I leave, could I have your number?”

“Hmm? Oh of course-” she rattled of the numbers in a slight haze, Ty Lee nodded and waved, as she watched her leave she heard her phone ring,

“Hello Azula? You left your books-” her mother said, the second she picked up the phone,

“Mom this is going sound weird, but I need to thank you for naming me Azula.” she interrupted first,

“Oh- ok, that's great sweetheart?” her mother asked, perplexed, Azula cast one last glance at the painting, before walking away.

A/N: No, I'm in fact not immune to the trope of meeting your reincarnated lover in a museum exhibit dedicated to your past life