#i got to play pit on a production of it once and like

[ingravinoveritas]

This past week, I traveled to London to see Macbeth. Everything I had heard and seen about David, Cush Jumbo, and the overall production convinced me that it was not to be missed, and so I took the crazy chance of purchasing a ticket months ago, and it was the first time I've ever gone to another country just for a play.

Ever since I was a kid, I have been going to Broadway shows, and the experience of live theatre has always been something incomparable and incredibly meaningful to me. Seeing something beyond Broadway, however, never felt possible until now. This opportunity arose at a moment when I was finally able to seize it, and now that I have attended the play not once, but twice (thanks to a lovely person who was able to help me obtain a £25 day ticket), I can say that Macbeth was, without question, the most amazing thing that I have ever seen on stage.

What follows is my review/thoughts on the production, and I will try my best to avoid spoilers (though fair warning that one or two may arise, so proceed with caution).

In high school, Shakespeare was something we were taught. It was an assumed part of the curriculum, labeled as a classic. Yet it seemed to exist in a time capsule--a product of its era, and of an English language barely proximate to the one we speak today. We learned Macbeth on the page, in annotations and themes and meter, rather than something pulsing, beating, living. Something that makes us feel. And for nearly two hours in a beautiful Victorian theatre in a little corner of the West End, all I did was exactly that.

I felt. And after seeing this play, I am not the same person on a molecular level that I was before.

Everything about this play--from David's mesmerizing portrayal of Macbeth to Cush Jumbo's wrenching turn as Lady Macbeth to the entire ensemble cast to the staging choices (light, sound, and so on)--is extraordinary. It is breathtakingly ruinous. It is so fully immersive that by the end you somehow feel bruised, viscerally disgusted and wrung out in equally beautiful measure.

It's almost misleading to say that we the audience are simply watching the play, because thanks to the binaural audio design (headphones), we are in Macbeth and Lady Macbeth's minds, and become accomplices to the characters' wicked deeds. When the porter (Jatinder Singh Randhawa) comes on to provide comic relief at exactly the perfect moment, it soon becomes clear that it is a distraction from our own discomfort at what has just happened. But it is a short-lived respite, as we are soon plunged back into the action and the characters' spiraling descent into madness.

In terms of David specifically, seeing him on television or on any screen profoundly pales to seeing him on the stage. In much the same way that the stage is Michael's natural habitat, it is also David's. The way he moves, the way he holds himself when he's not even speaking--which I got to see up close when he knelt directly in front of me on several occasions--is meticulous. David becomes the character he is playing, down into the pit of his soul. He disappears so thoroughly that I very quickly forgot that I was even watching him.

So many people can recite Shakespeare, but there is a marked difference between recitation and what David does. Together, David and Cush make Macbeth and Lady Macbeth feel like the Bonnie and Clyde of the Elizabethan age (only hornier). And the themes the play invokes--greed, fear, jealousy, power--are shown to be themes not of a particular era, but of humanity. David especially is so preternaturally good at making all of that unbearably real. He not only makes Shakespeare accessible to the modern world--an already difficult feat on its own--he makes it timeless.

For the last ten minutes of the play, I felt like I stopped breathing. The evil that Macbeth perpetrates, and the realization that he has not become like this, but rather that this is who he has always been, hits full force. As much as this play is very definitely an ensemble piece, David is the standout. He commands the stage, and at no point is he more powerful than when Macbeth is falling apart near the end.

(On a purely aesthetic level, this is also when David looks most beautiful--the wild hair, the form-fitting shirt heaving with the rise and fall of his greyhound lean chest, and the majestic sweep of the kilt with every frenzied movement. The complete erosion of the line between sanity and insanity, but also showing us how tenuous that line was to begin with. And he is utterly gorgeous while doing so.)

It's also at this moment in the play that we see how skillfully David has manipulated the audience. Where Michael uses a character's emotions much more overtly and aggressively--sniffing the audience out, stalking around the stage, feeling as if he's about to pull you up with him--David is far more controlled. He draws you in slowly, carefully, and it's only when we see the depths of Macbeth's depravity (notably killing Young Siward) that we realize the truth:

He got us. He made us the witnesses to Macbeth's malice, made sure we couldn't look away. And now we are complicit.

If I had to pinpoint any negatives about the play (which is extremely difficult to do), it's that there is only a brief moment where the pacing lags just slightly, and it's because David is off stage for a considerable period of time. The cast is absolutely incredible, bar none, but the energy doesn't quite maintain that high level when he is not there.

Also, from a sensory standpoint, this is very much not a sensory-friendly production. There are several instances of sudden loud noises in the headphones (which I found especially jarring), as well as the use of flashing lights, and considerable use of smoke at multiple points. All of these were more acute because I was sitting in the Stalls (second row), so I can only speak to it from that vantage, rather than from other locations in the theatre. But for anyone who is autistic (as I am) or has sensory-processing challenges, be advised that this play is definitely inaccessible in those respects.

When I left the Harold Pinter Theatre that night, I felt as though my entire central nervous system had been rearranged. There genuinely is no way to be normal about this play, because it is not a normal play. It takes apart everything you know about Macbeth and puts it back together in the most unexpected, electrifying way. It is the beauty of destruction, and no one embodies that more perfectly than David. Even days later, I can still feel the buzzing of my skin, the blood rushing through me, fingertips tingling from some heady combination of arousal and fear. (Or as Dr. Frank N. Furter once put it: "A mental mind fuck can be quite nice...")

The moment the lights went to black, every single person in that theatre was on their feet in a standing ovation. The applause was thunderous, and seemed even louder in the wake of the complete silence that preceded it.

I had sat in that silence--awestruck, captivated--and thought to myself that I could watch this production forever. And I would go back and do it all over again right now if I could. If you have the means, the opportunity, it is an experience I cannot recommend highly enough.

David is truly a master of his craft, and yet performs without a hint of ego. He gives everything he has and leaves it all on the stage. And what he and this team of people have come together to give us is something I will remember for the rest of my life.

(Pictures taken on 10/12/2024.)

[lil-tachyon]

For the last couple weeks I've been drawing logos / designs for local-ish (mostly NJ, some PA and NY) bands as warmups in the morning. Here's what I've come up with! Massive post below the break explaining each logo + where to find each band and listen to their music.

Teenage Halloween- a staple of New Jersey basements for probably about a decade now and finally getting wider recognition in the last couple years. Pop punk / power pop with a killer horn section. First time I saw them was in New Brunswick playing with Walter Etc. and Blowout. They played a killer cover "Build Me Up Buttercup" and my wife got a black eye in the pit. Recommended tracks: "Brain Song," "666," "Clarity." Their first EP is on a separate bandcamp page btw, check it out here it's great.

Sweet Pill - They will call themselves a Philly band but in my heart they'll always be from Glassboro. Definitely one of the more recognizable names on this list. Emo revival - early stuff is more twinkly, more recent stuff is heavier. All of it's great. Recommended tracks "Nephew," "High Hopes."

Shark Club - Central Jersey's finest. I'm very biased because I actually know these dudes and they did the music for my wedding. Some of the best pop punk you'll hear and the nicest people you'll meet. Recommended tracks: "Game Theory," "Bill Murray," "Heavens to Betsy."

Rest Ashore - My favorite band for the last (oh God I'm old now) eight years. From gut-wrenching emo ballads to virtuoso math-rock instrumentals they do it all. One time I got to sing vocals on "Lucy's Theme" at a house show- thank you Erica! Recommended tracks: "Hjarta," "Chinese Opera," "Devotion," "Soyuz Sweetheart." Too many bangers to name honestly, just deep dive their discography.

Morus Alba - First band I ever went to see at a house show and still one of my absolute favorites. Their music feels like the bridge between the best pitchfork, /mu/ alt rock bands and high energy basement emo. I mean that as a compliment and I hope it comes off as one lol. I should note that since 2019 Morus Alba has morphed from a band into an experimental hip-hop project so later releases sound radically different and basically disconnected from the earlier stuff. Also my favorite release from them, Live at Isabelle's, has been scrubbed from the internet but if you'd like the files just email me. Recommended tracks: "Skyscraper," "Human Resources," "The Goodnight Waltz."

Have a Good Season - another Jersey mainstay that's still going strong. Emo revival in their earlier releases, now with more 70s power pop influences in their newer stuff. See them live, they put on a fantastic show and usually play some great covers in addition to their original music. HaGS guys if you're reading this, please put your version of "Since You've Been Gone" online, I'm begging you. Recommended tracks: "Joseph / Shel Silverstein," (you have to listen to them together for the drop, so good) , "Gum, "Gleaux / Scab." Also, frontman Nic Palermo interviewed me once.

Elephant Jake - If you see any of these bands live make it EJ, they put on such a damn good show. Electrifying indie punk from the Empire State. Recommended tracks: "F.D.C." "Sarah Moyer," "Goodness to Honest," and of course you gotta learn "Sebastien Bauer" for the singalongs.

Blind Lion - Sadly one of the greats that we lost along the way. Defunct since about 2017. I only got to see them once but it was a great performance. Alongside their own stuff they played some killer covers of "Bad Moon Rising" and "Moonage Daydream." I had trouble doing a logo design for them because I actually really like the composition, if not the "Ed Hardy-ness," of their existing logo so what you see here are two separate attempts, neither of which feels entirely satisfying to me. Frontperson Larry Flately currently plays in Nematode and also handled production of Bradley Gardens joke hiphop group The Breakfast Boiz under the moniker "DJ Ova EZ." Recommended tracks: "Brumous," "Dinner."

Fighting Seasons - A band that I sadly found out about too late (via a sticker under the bridge in my town which has since been painted over). 2010s pop punk that packs a helluva punch, especially considering that I'm pretty sure the members were high schoolers for most of the band's existence. I think some members may have gone on to form Sawce (FFO Chon, Polyphia, that type of music) but I can't remember where I read/heard that so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Recommended tracks: "Fighting Seasons," "Oil on Canvas"

Milkmen- Another fallen giant, officially disbanded in 2019. Like Morus Alba, they played the very first house show I attended and their few releases remain on constant rotation in my home. Used to put on a great show and were one of the bands I always thought would make it big until suddenly they weren't around anymore. Frontman Ben Thieberger contributed guitar and vocals to Covid quarantine project Kin if you're looking for a bit of an extra fix but beyond that I don't know what these guys are up to these days, sadly. Recommended tracks: "Ramus," "Johnny Dangerously," "how sieves catch breeze," "K.O.T.H."

Stand and Wave - New York (now Philly) pop punkers delivering instant dopamine hits with every track. Another great live act, see them with EJ if you can! They often play shows together. Recommended tracks: "Convos," "Mrs. Dash," "Splashton Kutcher," "Michael Collins."

My Chemical Romance - You know who they are. While I was drawing all these other logos I ran a poll on Patreon to decide which famous New Jersey band should also be graced with a drawing from me. MCR won the poll by a hefty margin so unfortunately you won't get to see me do an illegible black metal take on Hoboken's Yo La Tengo. I ended up doing two versions: the one with the halo is the first, the one with the bats was the second. I tried to do something kind of thin and elegant with the first one and I don't think it's terrible but I also wasn't quite satisfied with it. For the 2nd attempt I tried to lean into the kind of pulpy, almost horror punk aesthetic of early MCR and I think that one looks better even if it's less original.

Anyway if you took the time to read through all this, thank you very much! And please support these bands! Also If any of the links aren't working please let me know.

-Logan

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - I'm DELIGHTED by so much goodness, also I lust after a boy's robot's pants

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Feb 2024 Wk 1

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 11 of 12 - I support the fact that the producers seem to have decided that even in uniform Yai never needs to wear sleeves. Hear hear.

No sleeves for Yai ever again!

On the other hand, why doesn’t anyone ever wear gloves? Going around touching evidence all willy nilly like that.

No to sleeves. Yes to gloves.

People. Sheesh. Get with the program.

Anygay, this is such a fun show. I could watch 50 episodes of this abject nonsense. I’m sad it’s gonna be ending. And I don’t say that often about Thai BL. 

Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 12 of 14 - Oh has Jeff been kidnapped again? Here, let's throw fruit at Babe and think about it for a bit. Tra la la. Trash watch happening here.

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 9 of 12 - They are such very good boyfriends. Also, this is a ton of kissing for OffGun. I’m at a loss as to how they are going to turn this into a decent 12 ep show. Unfortunately, I’ve foresee it going off the rails - pacing seems off. 

For Him (Thurs iQIYI) ep 10 of 12 - We have our little No Comebacks twist. The sides are growing on me, but now the mains are boring me. The sudden gun-toting new characters are just weird. It’s like they took the script and just threw it down a staircase, gathered it back up again, then filmed that. 

City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) ep 1 of 12 - Fueang is an actor in the midst of crisis and scandal. Normally I don’t like Thai BL when it’s tackles celebrity and this is... yep, the same. Our actor is pitted against an older worried nerdy app developer, Krom. And I feel that dynamic - hyung romance, jock/nerd? Very nice. But it’s also very Star Hunter. Never met a trope they didn’t wanna do a million times over - in the very first episode. Also I think I’m not a fan of the actor playing the lead. 

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) ep 24fin - The blond who comes to get his hair shaved looks just like Fluke T (SOTUS et al). And even more like him after the shaving (My Bromance et al). Is that him? MDL doesn't say.

Anygay... something something: Orphan. Cancer. Kisses. Dream. Death. 'Bout what I expected. 2/10 even with a decent kiss I don’t do dream sequences and I don’t like death in my BL 

All in all, I’m relieved that that’s over. The series is a slog. And in general I don’t recommend it. I plan to promptly forget its entire existence. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Love For Love's Sake (Korea Weds iQIYI) eps 3-4 of 8 - There is so much to adore about this show. The two younger guys who are suddenly in competition for the one older one. You know hyung romances are my favs. A hyung love triangle? COME ON. Also, I got to say this one’s giving me second lead syndrome. I do love me a brat. Add in all this on honorific play and linguistic flirting (as their should be in age gap). This is just THE BEST show. 

Look I gotta say this: the "Who did this to you?" trope (AKA who hurt you?) is the single most popular romance trope right now, remarkable to see it turn up in a BL. And pleasing. Trust Korea to be ON TREND. It's their national agenda. *respect*

Perfect Propose (Japan Fri Gaga) eps 1-2 of 6 - From Fuji TV (who brought us the Pornographer series) adapted from Mayo Tsurakame’s manga, production team includes Tadaaki Horai (My Love Mix-Up!) and Takeshi Miyamoto (scriptwriter for Old Fashion Cupcake). Hiro’s so stressed at work he barely has time to eat so he passes out on the sidewalk. An unfamiliar face saves him and insists that they once promised to marry each other.

Ready?

Oh I fucking love it. Sullen, out gay, younger seme with serious grumpy overprotective tendencies and beautiful possessive cat eyes? Well, it’s not dimples, but it’s still my catnip. Also they are moving very quickly. Hand jobs already? + dub con seasoning? Say it with me everyone:

Oh Japan, must you? 

Apparently, you must. And I must enjoy it. Carry on.

Please reread those producer creds and understand what we are in for. Okay? I would urge you to avoid this one if you get squeamish when JBL does what... JBL does.

AntiReset (Taiwan Fri Viki/Gaga) eps 1-2 of 10 - I really enjoy the character of an OCD intellectual automaton professor, contrasted to a warm and sunshine actual robot. Out the gate, this is oozing Taiwanese domesticity, we can only hope they juice it with their usual standard of heat too. 

All puns aside: It’s charming and I’m charmed. Does Taiwan finally have another winner on its hands?

I do adore Taiwan's aesthetics: The house designs, the suit designs, the human designs. I wouldn't say no to the robot’s pants either. Very cool. Can I order them in black?

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - The birthday confession was a bit much. But I love how mature the reactions were. It reminded me a little bit of I Cannot Reach You. Always a good thing. 

Girl: I like you. 

Sakae: sorry, not intersted 

Girl: what am I lacking? 

Sakae: a dick 

What you mean it didn’t go that way?

Happy Ending (Korea Tues YT) 2 of 3 - Oh it’s lovely, exactly as I expect from Strongberry.

I gotta say all of the above are pretty neck & neck for top spots for entirely different reasons. BL is seriously giving right now!

Sahara-sensei to Toki-kun (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 8fin - In the end this is mostly a piece about courage, and the rewards and disappointments that being courageous entails. Sadly, I personally didn’t have the courage to enjoy it. Featuring a chaos nugget bad boy student who falls madly in love with his teacher, this should’ve been My Thing. But Japan failed me. It happens sometimes. The leads had no chemistry, and the age gap rather than being a narrative driver and source of conflict, was just ignored. 7/10 

It's Done

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have any spare time. 2024 is crazy busy for me so far.

The Servant and the Young Master - from Vietnam so I assume it's on YouTube. I never even noticed. Anyone got a link?

Began Beginning (Myanmar YouTube) - Is TRUST Entertainment bringing us the first ever Burmese BL? I don't know if it's really the first, but @heretherebedork vouched for it, so I will give it a watch through.

The Whisperer (Thai Horror) - @all-you-had-to-do-was-neigh commented with the following: "MASSIVE content warning for extreme ableism, homophobia, and rape plots done for shock value. I don't recommend it, and if any of your followers decide to watch it proceed with caution."

So... yeah, I won't be watching it.

It's Airing But...

[NO INTERNATIONAL] Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 12 - yeah Japan put the smack down on our boys. Sadness. You can use a VPN if you like. Read all about it here.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so��� probubly not. I won't be watching this. I disliked Season one and actively hated the follow ups. No thank you.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far.

7 Days Before Valentine (Weds WeTV) 12 eps - Giving me Luminous Solution vibes. I'm waiting to binge if safe.

Dead Friend Forever (Thai Sat iQIYI) 12 eps - horror, meh, tell me if it's worth my time?

Time the series (Tue Gaga/YT) 10 eps - dropped it at ep 4.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Still Coming in Feb

2/17 A Secretly Love (Thai WeTV) - Khonprot, a third-year head hazer of the engineering faculty, has a secret crush on Pluem, a tsundere fourth-year head hazer. Over the years, he's seen Pluem cycle through many girlfriends. Recently, after a public breakup, however, Khonprot thinks maybe a boy has a chance.

2/24 Unknown (Taiwan Youku) 12 eps - Older brother tough guy criminal breadwinner looks after his sister and defacto adopted little brother. Little bother falls in love with him and is sent away after a stolen kiss. But when he comes back…

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

GMMTV is officially stalking me.

I do love OffGun's particular brand of domesticity. It's fun that they and TayNew are both getting to be so soft on our screens. It's very comforting, like a family favorite warm toddy. (Cooking Crush)

Korea, what's gotten into you? Are you feeling okay? Such bold weaponized gayness isn't like you at all. (Love for Love's Sake)

The Sign, forcing me to ask the eternal question.

I LOVES THEM YOUR HONOR. (Pit Babe)

(Last week)

[mayajadewrites]

could've been you: aizawa x reader x hawks

summary: You're the new teacher at UA with a rocky past with one of their beloved teachers, Shouta Aizawa aka Eraserhead. You'd rather never see him again but alas, such is life. You also meet Keigo, aka Hawks, who is the opposite of Aizawa. Smiley, golden retriever energy. Nothing could go wrong... right? relationships: aizawa x fem!reader, hawks x fem!reader warnings: some chapters will be NSFW, they will have a warning on them in bold.

CHAPTER THREE

"You're starting to give me stalker vibes, Aizawa." You watch as his body leaves the wall he was leaning on. "How long have you been standing out here?"

"Since I heard you moan that bird's name."

You freeze. He heard that? He's 2 doors down. He has to be lying.

But that's way too specific to be a lie.

"Sorry I disrupted your sleep." You shrug and turn to go back into your room.

"You know I don't sleep." Aizawa slid his hands in his pockets and stepped towards you. His hair was pulled in a half up, half down style, pieces of his hair framing his face.

"Yeah, I can tell." You look up at Aizawa as his tall body hovers over yours. "Those under eye bags don't lie." You take the pad of your thumb and softly touch the skin under his eye. He watches your movements closely, his body jumping slightly at the touch.

You pull your hand back, unsure of why you even did that.

You hate this man.

"I might have some face products that'll help you out." You try to ease the tension you now feel in the pit of your stomach. "You know, to look less tired."

"I don't trust you coming near my face like that." He turned his head away from you. "Do you hear that?"

You try to focus on the noises in the building. There's pipes, the sounds of students playing video games, and then you hear giggling.

"It's my students." He whispers. "It's past curfew, they should be in their rooms."

You hear footsteps starting to get closer, and closer.

Aizawa pushed you gently into your room, locking the door behind him.

"I didn't know this was your room, Eraser."

"I didn't want the students seeing us, well, more you dressed like that." His dark brown eyes travelled up and down your body.

"And why's that?! Teachers can't have a life outside of school?" You plant your hands on your hips. "It's stupid to think they don't know that teachers are real people outside of the classroom."

"You have a hickey on your neck." Aizawa used his index finger to poke at the bruise. "They would've thought I did that if they saw us standing together."

"You wish you did." You turn on your heel to your kitchen and grab a water from your fridge. "Since you're here, do you want something to drink? Poison perhaps?"

"Water is fine." Aizawa makes his way to your couch, around were Keigo was just sitting, making out with you. His hands all over your skin.

After you hand Aizawa the bottle of water, you sit parallel to him on the couch. A considerable space away from him.

"You really paused the movie you were watching?" Aizawa extended his arm across the back of the couch, almost touching the top of your head.

"Yeah, I wanted to finish it. I also don't like background noise when I'm... you know."

"Start it over." He leaned back and got himself more comfortable.

"Why? I've seen-"

"I haven't seen it. So can you for once just shut up and listen?"

You didn't argue. You pressed the 'Start Over' button and let the movie play.

You couldn't believe it. Aizawa was laughing. Not a loud laugh, by any means, but he let out a chuckle. You couldn't help but smile at the sound of his laugh.

As the movie progressed, your eyes felt more and more heavy.

You don't remember when you stopped watching.

_________________________

Your eyes fluttered open as the sunlight of a new day crept through your curtains.

But you weren't on your bed.

You felt someone breathing underneath you.

Your eyes grew wide as you softly turned, noticing the white t-shirt that you were just laying on. Complete with a chest and arms of muscle.

Your eyes flicker up, noticing Aizawa's eyes are closed. He's sleeping. His snores are light as his arms wrap around you tighter. You didn't want to wake him up, but you also didn't want to be laying on him anymore.

You squint to look at your microwave clock. 6:04 AM. You could let him sleep for another hour. He never sleeps.

You close your eyes again, leaning your head on his chest. You feel his cheek rest on top of your head as his hold on you tightens just ever so slightly.

You feel Aizawa's arms gently move you off of him as he stands up. "How long was I out?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. I don't remember when I fell asleep. But when I woke up, there you were."

"Shit, I have to get ready. The students can't see me leaving your room."

"Well how the turns table." You pad over to your bathroom. "Find a way out. I'm gonna shower." You wave and close the bathroom door.

What the fuck is happening.

__________________

You dont know how, but Aizawa got out without being seen. You showered off last night and covered your hickey with some concealer. You can't help but think about how calm you felt with Aizawa. How relaxed he was.

When you walk into the classroom, it's like nothing ever happened. The students are all talking about... whatever it is going on in their teen lives. Aizawa is in the front of the room, organizing papers on his desk.

"Good morning Eraser." You set your bag down. "What's on the agenda for class today?"

"The kids are gonna spar each other in the gym space. We're gonna observe how they do against each other."

"That explosive kid is gonna be insane." You watch Bakugo as he pouts at something Midoria just said.

"Alright class, we want to see what you can do. We'll be sparring in the gym, so be prepared to use your quirks. Sparring partners will be told to you when we get there." Aizawa opened the door and walked out of the room. You followed behind him, along with the students.

"You better watch out Icy Hot, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you."

"You're awfully confident." Shoto said with his hands in his pockets. You worry about him and his home life. Enji was a terrible father, maybe still is, and Shoto no doubt has a lot of trauma. You stare at the scar on his face, a piece of your heart breaking.

You sit on the bleachers with Aizawa as he names off the list of people and their sparring partners. You lean back, looking up at the sky through the sun-roof of the building. The sky is bright blue, only a few clouds in the sky.

You watch as the clouds move over head. So peaceful.

Then you see a flash of dark red flying through the air. You smile when you see Keigo stop and wave at you, his yellow glasses sat perfectly on his face.

You watch him pull his phone out, seemingly texting you.

Keigo: You look beautiful even from up here.

You smile down at your phone and you can feel Aizawa staring at your phone screen. But you weren't going to give a reaction.

You: Hopefully you can't see the little present you left me. ;)

Keigo: Sorry, I couldn't help but want to taste you.

Your cheeks started to burn and you slid your phone in your pocket. Aizawa rolled his eyes, leaning his forearms on his legs as he leans his body forward.

You knew Aizawa was watching you. You knew that bothered him.

Oh well.

[buckysdolls]

Shooting Star

Damian Priest Oneshot

TW: Language nothing major tbh

Summary: Priest adores you basically. Feeling deflated after your first match back from an ACL injury, Priest comforts you and confesses the feelings he has for you.

A/N: Thank you to one of you wonderful anonymous readers (you know who you are... I hope) who gave me the backstory to this oneshot :)

Two years of your emotions being tossed about like a pancake but it would all be worth it for this moment. Two years of preparing your body to be the best it could be to be able to step back into the ring and do the thing you love most. The two years had been difficult, there were times when the loneliness consumed you, you were used to the social aspect of being a part of the WWE, the constant hustle and bustle and quick pace of moving from one place to the next. Being constantly surrounded by lots of people, many of those you considered your best friends. Thankfully the performance centre was only a few blocks away and you could rely on that place to cheer you up. 

The moment your hometown crowd would go absolutely mental and pop for you, would remind you of why you loved wrestling and that no injury will ever stop you from performing for crowds who loved the business just as much as you did. You stood in the gorilla watching the current match whilst stretching. 

"I'd notice the shape of that ass anywhere…" You smiled to yourself whilst rolling your eyes, you turned around and placed your hands on your hips to see Priest approaching you. Priest always knew how to make you smile, his playful mannerisms and sparkling sense of humour was why he was one of your closest friends in the locker room. 

"Hey Priest" You flung your arms over his neck as he bent down to hug you, he squeezed you tight as if to tell you he was so happy to have you back. Priest was good to you, he visited you on his days off whilst you were out with your injury, making sure you didn't spiral into a pit of darkness. He mainly helped you at the gym rehabbing the injury and then watched a movie with you before he had to leave, but the few hours he did give you were priceless. 

"How's the ACL feeling?" You hopped onto one of the production boxes, taking a seat and Priest rested his hands either side of you on the box. You rubbed it, and gently swung it back and forth as much as you could without kicking Priest as he was leaning so close to you.

"Feels good… I think. I never really got to say thank you for visiting me all the time" You grinned.

"Are you kidding? you thanked me every like two seconds I was with you" Priest replied.

"Yeah I meant like I never got to show how thankful I was by doing something for you"

Now you meant this in the most innocent way… Priest was the one to make this flirty. 

"Yeah? Well I know a few ways you can thank me.." trying to be witty Priest wore a smug smile.

"I wonder what those could be…" You bit your lip trying to play innocent in all this but you both knew exactly what you wanted from each other. 

"I could show you…" Priest said as he leaned forward towards you, his hands now gliding up your thighs, you could feel in your stomach the metaphorical flips people always talked about.

Once his hand had danced along your thighs he stopped on your lower back and pushed you into him so your legs wrapped around his lower midsection. The whole time he never once looked away from your face, you'd expected him to be smirking assuming he was just being cheeky in his actions but the look he was giving you was a serious one.

"I could get used to this." Priest's low voice whimpered as he leant his forehead on yours, he closed his eyes enjoying being close to you.

"Used to what?" Your voice was just as quiet and soft.

"Being close to you" You hummed at his words.

You watched as his eyesight fluttered from your own eyes to your lips, a small, rough groan escaped his lips as they were inches away from settling on yours. 

"Y/N" You heard Liv call out to you and break the tension between you and Priest. 

"Shit!" Priest mumbled as his head fell away from yours, his dreads falling in front of his face. He backed up from you as he flipped the dread over his face to make room for Liv. You leapt down from the box to embrace Liv.

"It's so good to have you back" 

Priest watched from behind as Liv dragged you away to hair and make-up for a girly catch up. You looked back at Priest who was watching you, looking deflated, shaking his head. You mouthed the word "sorry" to him and shrugged your shoulders with a cheeky smile. You were happy to tease him and keep him waiting even though you desperately wanted that kiss.

Priest had waited for the perfect moment to finally kiss you, he had planned it for so long in his head. He wanted to do it before your match to give you that extra boost of confidence. Yet here he was being cockblocked by Liv. 

"Thanks for cockblocking Liv" Damian called out causing you and Liv to burst out laughing.

"You're so welcome Priest!" Liv responded through her fit of laughter.

Although you had adrenaline coursing through your veins and you were so grateful for the warm response your hometown gave you, you couldn't help but feel a little disappointed in yourself, there were a few spots that you messed up, they were not major or noticeable but you knew about them. As you came through the backstage curtain you were hit with a wave of cheers and applause from the roster, you pulled the fakest smile you could to act like you were okay. Priest sensed that you weren't as happy as he thought you might have been, he could see the worry in the shimmers of your eyes, clearly tears that wanted to flow free. Priest pushed through to the front and engulfed you in a hug, his hand guiding your head cradling into his chest, where you finally felt comfortable to cry and wrap your arms around his waist. And if anyone asked why you were crying you'd tell them they were happy tears!

As Priest ushered you to a quiet corner of the arena you didn't need to say anything to him, just his touch and company was enough to calm your whimpers and tears. 

"What happened mi amor?" Priest asked as he crouched down in front of you and gently pushed stands of your hair behind your ears.

"I missed so many steps out there. I messed up” You radiated defeat and felt as if all the confidence you ever owned had been winded out of you. Your eyes were glued to the floor and your voice sounded deflated, not like your usual gleeful self.

"Ring rust happens babe. You’ve just come back from a major injury, nobody noticed it. You only noticed because you were the one performing the spots" He tried to reassure you by stroking his thumb on your cheek. 

“Look at me” Priest now had your head in his hands, rummaging the hair away from your face so he could clearly appreciate the beauty in your face and also encourage you to look at him. You admired the sparkle his eyes exhibited and gave a feeble smile in an attempt to please him..

“You are fucking talented, okay?The crowd was so pumped to see you. I look at you in the ring, out of the ring and I think… you are fucking incredible.” All of a sudden he was pulling your face towards him, and this time there was a connection between the lips. A lustful and needy connection. Without removing your lips from each other, Priest had managed to manoeuvre your bodies so he was now seated and had you sitting on him, legs either side of his body. In desperation to be closer to him your hands got lost and tangled in his dreads whilst his hands were jelled to your hips encouraging you to grind against him. Purely pausing for breath you pulled away letting your hands rest on the pecs of his chest, you looked down at Priest who was grinning at you causing you to blush. It was quiet for a few seconds before Priest opened his mouth to speak.

“I’ve waited a long time to do that.”

“How long?”

“That information is confidential” A finger rose to his lips as if to keep a secret. The air filled with silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, it felt natural like you and Damian had done this a million times over... The smile hadn’t left Damian’s lips; he was just there goofily grinning like he’d accomplished something he was proud of. 

“What are you smiling at?” You questioned letting your head dangle in an attempt to hide the rosy cheeks.

“The most beautiful girl I ever seen” You watched as Priest’s eyes glanced over the body that sat on him, he hummed to himself admiring the work of art that you were.

“I bet you say that to all the girls?”

“Only …the… ones… I’m in… love… with” Priest leant forward into your neck planting sweet, soft kisses in between each word.

“Shit” You’d never really paid attention to a heartbeat before… but the heartbeat that thumped through your chest in that moment of declaration was the equivalent of a magical shooting star bursting through the air.

“In love?”

“I ain’t shy about it. I want to be the one you turn to when you’re feeling low and think you're the worst wrestler ever…” You quickly interrupted him, squinting your eyebrows at his exaggeration.

“Er, I didn’t quite say that” Your eyes glaring into his trying not to smile as you were trying to be serious… trying being the keyword and instantly cracking a smile after a mere second of seriousness. 

“Yeah well I know that’s what you were thinking.I’m going to continue professing my love for you now is that alright?”

You chuckled into the smile already on your face and nodded your head in agreement to let him carry on.

“I want to ride your highs with you and enjoy every moment that you’re happy. Your joy and light makes me feel something. Something which I never thought I could.”

You had no words for Priest, it was as if your mouth was made of the same stuff as a desert, your lack of words was your sign to speak with actions instead of words and so you kissed him. It was a deep, slow and powerful kiss as you gripped onto the side of his neck and his hands on your back pushing you against him so he could feel you physically. It was a kiss that spoke a thousand and one words to Damian, that you felt the same way as him, and that was love. That was all he needed to confirm everything he’d hoped for.

[scaryvbachelorettes]

Hi!!! 👋👋👋

I've been searching for a blog that focuses on Yandere Bachelorettes, and thank Yoba I found you! 💞💞

So I have a ask, and I've been a simp for Abby eversince I played Stardew Valley next to Leah, Emily and Haley. And I was wondering if you can make either drabbles, Oneshot or headcannons Idc, of this idea;

Fem Farmer being more into simpler life and is afraid to venture out in to a adventure. If it ain't to difficult.

-Abigail ask-

TW; Stalking, obsessive behaviour, fucked up bachelorettes, breaking in, scary art. /Sfw Oneshot/

A.N;Thank you for the ask, I'm happy to know there are people that wanted to explore yandere bachelorettes too. I think girls deserve to be a little crazy once in a while.

A calm and timid life, that's all you want. Buying crops, nurturing them to grow and sow the final product was all a part of the safe mundane life you choose for yourself. You didn't like to venture into dark caves in the mountains, you didn't like the sounds that slithered under the darkness of ladders in the mines. Besides, you didn't move here to be an adventurer necessarily, more to accept the life of farming and looking after stock.  Abigail understood the hesitation completely, while she longed to explore the cave she knew the dangers of it. She didn't like seeing you in danger, always anxiously mulling over the possibility of danger somehow reaching you. She would walk with you around town, ensuring you're safe. Well, not exactly walking with you but near you. Whenever you needed any type of ingredient that could only be harvested from monsters it somehow appeared in your chests. 

A slightly sweaty and huffing Abigail hunched over the monster's remains, she held a cold bone fragment from a skeleton. She heard you recently got a bone mill from Lewis and couldn't use it much at all. A small grin appeared on Abigail's face, you looked so happy at that prismatic shard she got from killing that damn rainbow slime and since then she couldn't stop cleaning out the caves from monsters. 

Pile of slimes, bug meat, and bat wings stacked unevenly each night and each morning you would clean them out, not knowing what to do with them. Hell, you didn't even climb past the 5th level of mines, so how those resources appeared on your farm was beyond you. 

Maybe it was your cat? The small creature already left dead fish near your bed so it wouldn't be too far from the truth. 

After some weeks you noticed how frequently Abigail started visiting Harvey's clinic, her hands bandaged and eyes full of glee. Once you caught her sneaking out of her house at night when you were fishing. She held a labrys in her hand, her knuckles white. 

You followed her to the cave system, concerned about the type of things she might be doing. Walking past Robin's house you saw shadows and silhouettes in the dark at the corner of your eye. Yet, as you turned around to look properly you didn't see much but a blur of dark hair. No matter, you still followed Abigail into the night, feeling dread slowly settle in your stomach as you ventured into dangerous territory. 

You never went this deep to the cave and knowing how unprepared you were made your fingers tremble. Just as you tried to call out for Abigail, she jumped into a dark hole in the mine shaft floor. 

You cursed but ran to the pit, knowing you had to stop her from risking her life each night. Unlike Abigail though you decided to carefully descend the stars into the dark pit. 

The ground felt almost too hard here, muffled sounds of clanking metal and aggravated buzz came down the dirt cave. You cautiously peeked around the corner to see Abigail fighting a swarm of bugs, her movements precise and brutal. 

You gasped softly, suprised to see your suspicions confirmed. The sound made Abigail jump, her eyes wide. For a second your eyes met, her gaze somewhat furious. A bug managed to bite her arm, making her snap out of her stupor. She huffed, impaling the monster on one side of the weapon, her arms flexing. 

Just as she killed the last of the bug, her head turned to you. A mix of anger and confusion settled in her eyes, her hand tapping against the wooden base of her labrys. Before she could utter a word, you ran up to her, holding her arm up. 

As quickly as it appeared, her anger simmered down into an ember of desire. She grinned instinctively, her gaze softening at your worry. 

By the end of your nervous tirade, you were outside of the cave, pulling her after you to your farm. As you entered your home, you immediately took out bandages and antiseptic. Abigail was curiously quiet, her eyes following your movements with a sly grin. 

You walked up to her, carefully applying the bandages. Your fingers carefully touched her scars, your eyebrows knitted together. 

"Do you like my gifts?" Suddenly asked Abigail, her voice soft. You look at her, acutely aware of how close she is. Her dark hair was slightly messy from fighting, her blue eyes almost glowing in the dark. Curious, you could have sworn they were red in the caves. Her hand brushed over your hip as she leaned closer. 

"You were the one leaving them?" You asked, feeling heat bloom under your skin. Abigail's breathing hit your lips, her fingers subtly flexing. 

Loud knock came from the door, making you instinctively scramble back from her. You turned to the door before you could see the hue in her irises shift into scarlet colour. 

Opening the door only brought cold air that hit your form. You shivered, peeking out to see the vast darkness of your farm. No one in sight but the crops you planted. As you closed the door you turned around to say something to Abigail.  Instead, you found nothing, she just disappeared into thin air. You felt the cold air hit your legs and looked at your window. The frames were open wide, curtains waving gently through the air.

[pilfappreciator]

Can you write about Veneer... Just, like, anything at all. I'm BEGGING. They could be headcanons, drabbles, oneshots, ANYTHING. My little gay mind can't handle it. If you don't have any ideas here are some that I have off the top of my head ^_^ (also if you could make any of these male reader I will love you forever BUT you obviously don't have to <33)

- Baking with him (but either veneer or the reader is a nightmare in the kitchen and everything goes wrong)

- Having a slumber party !! (Doing eachothers nails, hair, makeup, watching movies, just talking, possibly falling asleep in eachothers arms and being embarrassed in the morning)

- Playing hide and seek together

- CHRISTMAS WITH VENEER!!! (Decorating the house/Christmas tree, getting presents, playing out in the snow, just general festive activities:3)

- Reader who has a shit ton of stuffies and has named them all (introducing them to Veneer, cuddling, fluffy things)

- Eepy time (sleeping/cuddling hcs, shenanigans, not being able to fall asleep, weird midnight chats)

I had more but I forgot....

NAHHH UR LITERALLLY SO BASED I LOVE YOU FOR THAT!!! Veneer is literally such a criminal cuz like?? He kidnapped someone, tortured them, AND he stole your heart??? SOMEONE STOP HIM ASDKJALJSLD

Ended up combining a few of your ideas into one big concept! Hope you don't mind :3

Also heads up that this takes place before the events of Band Together took off! Just figured it'd be kinda hard to throw a sleepover when your ass is literally in prison lol

Veneer x Reader: when your favorite twink invites you to a sleepover

Includes: Male! Reader, sleepover shenanigans, fluff, slight angst, gaygaygaygay—

💎 You and Veneer would have to be INCREDIBLY close before he even considered invited you over

💎 Tbh I feel like getting invited to hangout with this guy in any way is actually? Kind of a privilage?? Like his fame is obviously a big factor in that but growing up, I doubt he had any actual friends who weren't his sister. I imagine him as kinda shy and non-confrontational as a kid, and though Velvet wasn't the BEST sibling, she never hesitated to cuss out whatever poor soul chose to pick on her brother. She's always been the one to lead and Veneer has always just followed

💎 I mean... the guy literally participated in tortue just cuz his sister told him to. He sheep coded as hell 😔

💎 So yeah, this boy probably has like zero experience when it comes to having friends who don't use him for his fame and/or are related to him by blood. Luckily you came along! Now he's actually got someone with whom he shares a genuine connection with!!

💎 Whether that connection is strictly platonic has... yet to be determined >;3c

💎 WITH THAT BEING SAID!! This guy has never once participated in a sleepover (hanging out in his sister's room doesn't count), and he's got absolutely no clue what to do ://

💎 Will conduct numerous amounts of research days in advance! And by research, I mean he's binging all his favorite chick flicks and having Krimp take notes aslkdhaljsdl

💎 FR THO!! THIS BOY IS JITTERY AS HELL WHEN THE TIME COMES TO ASK YOU OUT OVER LIKE---!

💎 "Oh heyyyy, (____)! Fancy seeing you here!"

"This... is my house?"

"R-right, right! Obviously! Um, anyway, do you like sleeping?"

"Uh."

"Also, u-uh, totally unrelated but have you ever wondered what the inside of my house looks like?"

💎 Pls just accept his invitation. If he gets any redder he might pop a blood vessel or something

💎 Heaves out the BIGGEST sigh once you say yes. He'll try to play himself off as nonchalant even though he's absolutely ecstatic, but like... the boy is literally vibrating with excitement okay, he's not fooling anyone lol

💎 Once the big day comes and you show up to his house— sorry, MANSION? Prepare yourself cuz he is most definitely giving a tour. From the indoor pool, to the outdoor pool, to the personal studio/production room, to the many walk-in closets, to a room that is literally just one big ball pit, to a heigh-ceiling hallway just lined with photos/painting of him and his sister... he is NOT afraid to show off asdkajsdlkhjf

💎 (Sidenote: don't worry about Velvet potentially intruding on the sleepover. She's agreed to step out for the day on her brother's behalf. Was definitely pretty pissy about having to vacate her own home but eventually relented... but Veneer definitely owes her for her kindness)

💎 Yknow all those cliche sleepover activities people do in movies? Yeah, you guys are doing literally all of them

💎 Such a dumbass <33

💎 NO LIKE ACTUALLY THO?? Krimp made Veneer a list of popular and totally optional things to do at a sleepover and the second he saw it, he was just like "uugh, seems like a lot of work but I GUESS I'll do it 🙄"

💎 You guys are painting your nails matching colors, doing facemasks, messing around with each others' hair— the whole shebang!! And considering this dude is rich as fuck, you just KNOW he's got nothing but all the top-of-the-line products 😤😤. Only the finest for him (and you <33)

💎 LET HIM DO YOUR MAKEUP!! I feel like he really enjoys it as a whole! Like it's probably his favorite part of getting ready for shows or just his day in general, and the only person he's done makeup for is Velvet (tho those instances were VERY rare)... but if you just? Suggest that he does yours for you?? Like just sitting back so he can do his thing, allowing him to call the shots like he rarely ever does???

💎 Literally swooning SO HARD ASLDHKALKJSJDLKJA

💎 Unfortunately the whole thing kinda backfires on him cuz: 1) you're already super cute without makeup, and 2) he knows what he's doing and could easily boost someone's looks with just some eyesliner and the right shade of lipstick

💎 He makes you look hotter, is basically what I'm getting at

💎 He's not sure if he's just done himself a huge favor or screwed himself over for the rest of the night

💎 Considering his crazy wealth and the fact he probably grew up pretty sheltered/spoiled, I doubt this boy knows anything about how a kitchen works lol. Like most of his meals were either made for him by Krimp or served at high-end hoity-toity restaurants with caviar that probably cost more than most organs sell on the black market ://

💎 So yeah, dinner is really gonna come down to you and your skill level

💎 If you know you're away around, CONGRATS!! You've just signed yourself up for cooking lessons with Veneer! And yes, the kitchen WILL end up a mess (but no worries, he'll just make Krimp clean it up). You'll definitely have to take the lead here and he's more than happy to let you do so! Just tell him what spices you need or what utensil to grab, and his ass is on it 🫡 If you wanna teach him how to knead dough or peel certain ingredients?? He won't complain (especially if said activity requires you two to be in close proximity hehe)

💎 Do NOT leave him alone in the kitchen for more than 10 seconds. You'll just return to find him trying to cut strawberries with the dull side of a knife u_u

💎 If you're also total shit in the kitchen?? No worries! Veneer may be living that high life but he's not above ordering takeout lol

💎 Remember those chick flicks I mentioned earlier? Yeah, you two are totally running a marathon of those. If you happen to have any good recs or other movies you happen to like?? He's totally willing to give them a try! Just know that if it's a scary movie… he's gonna be wrapped around you like a koala and screaming into your ear at every jumpscare

💎 He may be talentless but this boy can hit a high note if he feels he's in danger

💎 He may be different from his sister in some ways, but one attribute he shares with her is the fact that he's a TOTAL GOSSIP LIKE?? THIS BOY IS MORE THAN PREPARED TO SPILL THE TEA ON ANY GIVEN OCCASION—

💎 "Oh my gosh, did you HEAR about what happened to Nikki Mirage the other day??"

"No? Wait, who's that again?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHO--- okay, sit down so I can educate you 😤"

💎 Him and Velvet literally thrive on drama, idk what else to tell you

💎 (he might also spill some tea about his sister... nothing too incriminating, but like, a few embarrassing childhood stories couldn't hurt, right?)

💎 Late night talks are a MUST!! At some point in the night the two of you end up like... nestled under the covers of whatever fort you guys threw together... you're facing each other, heads centimeters apart as you share a pillow... whispering and giggling for no real reason...

💎 Maybe he vents a little about his insecurities and the way Velvet treats him, less like a brother and more like a shadow she can manipulate as she pleases... and maybe you grab his hand under the blanket... yknow, just to comfort him or whatever...

💎 Veneer only ever gets physical affection when he visits his parents, and even then it's just like? The bare minimum?? Pats on the head/shoulder/back, brief hugs, chaste kisses on his cheek— that kinda crap. And it's so tragic cuz this boy is literally the biggest little spoon to ever spoon. Like actually pls just hold him

💎 If he wakes up the next morning to find you laying behind him? Arms wound around his middle?? You face burried against his neck/shoulder blades/top of his head????

💎 He is not moving from that spot even after you wake up too <33

Cannibal, I absolutely ADORE YOU FOR THIS ASK!! LITERALLY SO FUN TO WRITE SAKLJASADKJSD THANK YOU SO MUCH <3333 (was originally gonna split this into two parts but was like, "nah, this ask deserves to be hella long" uwu)

Veneer redemption arc when??

[estoniacobaltpayne]

Ranking the Bad Batch Based On How Fun They'd Be To Jam To Some Tunes With

Just something fun to do lol. I'm a musician and sound engineer, so not only am I basing this on what I think they each like to listen to, but also how much interest and knowledge each batcher has in the music making process, specifically music theory and music production, which are major aspects of why a person likes or dislikes certain songs or artists.

I'm totally basing this on my own musical preferences by the way, and since I'm writing this I'm gonna be totally biased towards how I feel about their jammability based on how much I enjoy their music taste, too. Y'all can like whatever music you want, and rank their music preferences according to your own taste.

HUNTER: 5/10 (FANTASTIC MUSIC TASTE, ATROCIOUS JAMMABILITY)

IDK I just feel like Hunter is very "meh?" about music??? Like it's a very passive thing for him.

If I had to guess, I'd say he probably chooses to listen to genres including Latin Pop, Americana, Classic Rock, maybe a little Funk? Within those genres I'd say he likes artists like Juanes, Tedeschi Trucks Band, Fiona Apple, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Maná, Trombone Shorty, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Collective Soul, and the Allman Brothers Band. I'd say his taste in music is the only reason he'd get even a 5/10, he's got an ELITE taste, but he also is just... is not that interested at the same time. He probably talks while it's playing too, like bruh if you have something to say PAUSE THE DAMN SONG AND STOP RUINING THE VIBE

He also has no interest in, or in learning, anything about music theory or production, which as a musician is such a fundamental part of enjoying a tune. Like you could drop a "yo that melodic tritone interval between the flat 3rd scale degree and the 6th scale degree over the dominant IV7 chord FUCKED bro" and he'd just sit there at stare at you and barely give you a shrug?? Bro no. No vibes. Don't bother trying to explain the mix to him either, he straight up doesn't care.

Hunter does not dance, and even if you managed to convince him to, he SUCKS at it. Sure he's got grace, but Hunter wouldn't know rhythm if it slapped him in the face. Plus, he gets upset when he sucks at it, which then just gets him in a pissy mood. 😐

WRECKER: 10/10 (FANTASTIC MUSIC TASTE, FANTASTIC JAMMABILITY)

WRECKER LOVES TO JAM BRO

He can jam to just about anything, but I know for sure he loves the 80's and 90's stuff, like Punk Rock, New Wave, Ska Punk, Anthem Rock, and Classic Rock. As for artists, think Quiet Riot, DEVO, Green Day, AC/DC, Oingo Boingo, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Journey, INXS, Dropkick Murpheys, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar, Twisted Sister, Sublime, and Styx. Wrecker will enthusiastically sing along to every song he knows (and he doesn't care if he's in tune or not, he's too busy having fun!), and will enthusiastically jam physically to songs he doesn't know. He's always down to listen to new music if it's presented to him, but I also don't think he really goes out of his way for new music either. He knows what he likes and he's good with that.

Music theory in particular escapes Wrecker. You can explain it to him 1,001 times, he just cannot grasp it. But that's ok! He'll eagerly listen to you explain it for the 1,002nd time and every time after that, because he loves listening to music and finds the making of it passively interesting. As for production, once again he finds it passively interesting, so he likes brief, "cliff note" explanations as to why things sound certain ways; he wants to know that the reason that the vocals sound like they're echoing in a concert hall is because they have reverb, but doesn't particularly care about which kind of reverb or how it works.

Wrecker is so down to dance. He will absolutely head bang, and he will absolutely throw DOWN in a mosh pit. Doesn't care at all what he looks like or what other people are thinking of him; when "What I Like About You" by The Romantics pops on, Wrecker pops off 😎

ECHO: 9/10 (FANTASTIC MUSIC TASTE, GREAT JAMMABILITY)

Echo jams for sure. In a different, more chill way than Wrecker, but he's still fun to jam out with!

He definitely had an "emo teen" phase, so he likes Punk, Pop Rock, Alternative, and I'd say he probably likes Neo Soul, Rap and Hip Hop as an adult, too. He's a My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy FIEND; he knows all the songs and will sing along to them when he's with people he's comfortable with. He now also goes for artists like Green Day, Kendrick Lamar, The Struts, John Legend, The Killers, Tai Verdes, Radiohead, Alicia Keys, Crazy Town, Teddy Swims, and Erykah Badu. He's also the kind to keep starting the song over each time you talk, there's a distraction, or just because he loves a song and wasn't "feeling it enough" the first time through.

I feel like Echo would be one hell of a producer, and can and will spend hours in Logic Pro or Ableton making the stankiest beats and mixes, but also falls into the "MuSic ThEoRy KiLLs My CrEaTiViTy" category. Doesn't matter how many times you tell him that, even though he doesn't know how to identify what he's making, he's still using music theory, he'll just blow you off and swear that he doesn't use theory, he "puts stuff together because it sounds good." It's okay Echo, the rest of know it sounds good because it's a I-7 chord to a IV7 chord, just because you don't know your song is in Dorian doesn't mean the rest of us don't 🙃

Echo doesn't get up to dance, but he does the thing where he's "dancing" in his seat and makes, sometimes quite silly, faces. Big head bobber attitude, and if he's really into it, you can catch him unconsciously drumming his hand and scomp along to the song on whatever surface is in front of him. Same, Echo, same.

CROSSHAIR: -10000/10 (ATROCIOUS MUSIC TASTE, ATROCIOUS JAMMABILITY)

First of all, this man claims he doesn't like music, and "prefers to be alone with his thoughts." Bro, that's bullshit and we all know it.

At first, Crosshair would be one of those assholes that claims he likes music that's "actually good" and artists that "you've probably never heard of" like Stevie Ray Vaughan, which is funny because like dude, I don't know a single person who hasn't heard of SRV, but he literally knows one singular song - Crosshair knows "Crossfire" and that's it, and if you listen to the entire In Step album with him, you know you can call BS on him because that's... literally the only song he knows off the entire album. And then you catch him with headphones in for the first time and oh boy, this man jumps through flaming hoops to deny it, but Crosshair is a Swifty, a Belieber, and an Ariana Grande stan, which for me personally, are the absolute LAST artists I'll ever listen to, but hey if that's your thing, Crosshair is your guy to listen to music with. Like there's good pop music out there, but Crosshair will hear none of it and refuses to even try anything else. "Yo Crosshair let's listen to some P!nk or Bruno Mars or Lady Gaga or fun.---" "gO aWaY!" If you really worked hard at it, you could maybe get him to listen to some darker pop like Hozier, Imagine Dragons, and Twenty One Pilots; the angstier the lyrics, the better. Who knows, maybe with time and patience you could even work him him up to some Screamo bands like Asking Alexandria or Falling In Reverse??? 👀

Don't bother trying to explain theory or production to him; he does not care. He just wants to listen to music in solitude.

If you even think this man will bob his head in front of you let alone dance you are sorely mistaken.

TECH: 1000/10 (A LITERAL GOD-LIKE MUSIC TASTE, GREAT JAMMABILITY)

I mean, it's Tech. Golden Retriever boy. He's interested in just about everything, and is always down to try new things, and the same applies to music.

Tech has a very diverse taste in music, and his taste is also always growing. He likes different things for different reasons; he loves Classical, Jazz, and Progressive Rock for their interesting and stimulating use of music theory, and he finds Funk and Alternative and even Salsa inspiring for their arrangements and/or songwriting. This man will whiplash from Coldplay to Duke Ellington to Muse to Earth, Wind & Fire to a literal Gregorian Chant Compilation so fast you won't even have time to process whatever song you just finished, and best of all, he'll show just as much attention and appreciation to the new song as he did the last. He loves Bach and Wendy Carlos' Switched On Bach, and he loves artists like Genesis, Nat King Cole, Elton John, Joe Arroyo, Thelonious Monk, Pink Floyd, Jon Batiste, Seal, Led Zeppelin, R.E.M., and unlike his twin, Tech will absolutely sit down and listen to SRV's In Step with you and will absolutely love analyizing every second of it. He's also an anti-fascist, politically conscious king, so play him songs like "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield, "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke, "Front Line" by Stevie Wonder, or "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell, and that exceptional mind of his will get super amped up. You'll have a great listening session, and then a great political conversation. And maybe I'm just self-projecting here, but Tech will go absolutely feral for Queen. Everything about them. The music? Stimulating intellectually and emotionally. Brian May is a literal astrophysicist and John Deacon is an electrical engineer, and he finds that so fucking cool. His favorite album is a toss up between Queen II and A Night At the Opera; either way, he loves the thought and intention that go into a concept album, and if you ask him if he wants to listen to one with you, he will definitely say yes.

It's super fun to have listening sessions with Tech, because you can totally geek out with him over what's happening in the music you're listening to, be it theory or mix or whatever; and if you teach Tech even the basics about music theory, mixing engineering, songwriting and arrangement, etc., it will be highly likely that this dude will know more and be 100x better at it than you within days. I feel like he loves mastering, and will always be the one to master Echo's mixes. 🥰

Tech is less a physical jammer and more an intellectual jammer, if that makes sense. Discussing all the various aspects of music is totally a jam, and Tech is the one to do it with. That being said, if you asked him to, he'd dance, but this socially awkward guy would probably think you meant like...ballroom dancing??? instead of just hanging out in the same room and groovin' to some tunes together??? And he'd be super awkward, too, because he's the opposite of Hunter- all rhythm and no grace. But either way, the vibes from this man are immaculate and you will never run out of music to listen to with this man.

Well, hope you all enjoyed my TED Tech Talk :) and I hope you all enjoy listening to music as much as I do lol

[angel-with-paper-wings]

Seeing POTO Live: Part 2 (Show Review)

This is my personal review of my first time seeing a live production of The Phantom of the Opera, on the West End on May 20th 2024 (see Part 1 of this post for that crazy story). The main trio cast was: Lily Kerhoas as Christine, Jon Robyns as The Phantom, and Joe Griffiths-Brown (I will list the rest of the cast as I mention their characters).

Act 1:

Auction/Overture:

JAMES GANT HIMSELF WAS THE AUCTIONEER 🤩🤩 TWO PHANTOMS IN ONE NIGHT, I CANT BELIEVE MY LUCK 

He was totally channeling the Phantom when it got to the “Lot 666…” part, I got chills

I was watching Raoul (Joe Griffiths-Brown) like a hawk during the auction scene because I wanted to study his acting, and he did not disappoint. When the music box came out, he leaned forward and touched it longingly with his fingertips 🥺 And he spoke in this hushed, gravelly old man voice that was so accurate. No notes.

THE OVERTURE

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP

ITS JUST AS MAGICAL AS I ALWAYS DREAMED 😍😍😍

I totally got flashbanged by the chandelier 😂😂 (the sparks and pyro effects in this musical are BRIGHT)

Hannibal/Think of Me:

Both Carlotta (Lily de-la-Haye) and Piangi (David Kristopher-Brown) SLAYED, not only with their singing but their comedy bits were perfectly timed

Guys these costumes are SPARKLY 😍😍✨✨ like I didn’t realize until seeing it live but almost EVERY costume has sparkles and it makes everything look gorgeous under the stage lights

This Andre (Adam Linstead) and Firmin (Matt Harrop) were SO FUNNY OMG

Andre was such a little fanboy over Carlotta, and Firmin was like a grumpy old man

Lily’s “Think of Me” was DELIGHTFUL, her voice is so smooth and sweet! When she started her “audition” her voice was VERY quiet (barely audible), but once she got going she had such a beautiful crystal-clear tone.

Again, I was watching Joe Griffiths-Brown a lot during “Think of Me” because I wanted to watch his reactions. For a while, Raoul didn’t really look at the stage to see Christine playing Elissa, he was too busy looking at his programme and greeting the managers when they joined his box. But eventually he saw her, and then he looked back down at his programme to search for her name and check if it was really her! I loved it and thought it was such a neat acting detail!!!

Angel of Music/Little Lotte:

While Madame Giry is scolding the ballerinas for being “a disgrace”, Christine was talking with… some dude?? I couldn’t really tell who it was, but I’m almost certain it wasn’t Raoul or either of the managers. It looked like a stagehand. Does anyone know who this is and why she was talking to him? I’ve never noticed this detail before in other productions.

OMG BRUNETTE MEG NATION RISE UP

Meg (Maiya Hikasa) has a few extra lines during the show that I haven’t heard before, and the one I remember best was a little frustrated remark after Madame Giry told her to go off and practice: it was something like “There’s always more practice.” I thought it was cool that they gave her a bit more character!

Okay idk if this was intentional, but during the beginning of “Angel of Music”, Christine’s dressing room set was covered by a curtain but illuminated from the inside by a lamp, and the wardrobe mistress was in there arranging her dressing gown. But since Christine was singing about her father at the time, I thought that part of the stage was like a “flashback” scene to show us what Christine was remembering in her mind. Idk if that makes sense, but that was what crossed my mind. 

Idk if this was intentional either (or maybe it was just the angle from where I was sitting) but you could see the actual conductor of the show reflected in the mirror from the orchestra pit, which I thought was cool and tied things together thematically

Lily’s Christine was quite hesitant and timid when Raoul came to see her in her dressing room. I liked this choice because to me, it showed that even though she is happy to see him, Christine is aware that the Phantom is listening and she is afraid for Raoul’s safety.

And Joe was just so sweet and charming the whole time!! He didn’t seem too demanding when he said they’ll go to supper, which is a plus for me.

HEEHEE JON ROBYNS HAS A PERFECT PHANTOM VOICE AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE

He has a very mixed range which I like in a Phantom, going from a higher goblin-y voice to a really low seductive growl on “I am your Angel of Music…”

Title Song:

God I just love the scenery changes that happen during this song, they are nothing short of STUNNING

Lily’s and Jon’s voices sound SO GREAT together

When the candles started raising out of the stage, Christine leaned forward in the boat and looked so enraptured (same), and I don’t think the Phantom took his eyes off of her once during the whole song (again, same)

Unfortunately, there was no cape swirl because poor Jon dropped the cape 😭😭 I felt so bad for him but he recovered very well (let’s just say he was so awed by Christine’s singing that his hands stopped working)

Lily’s high notes at the very end had almost no vibrato and were very choral-sounding, if that makes sense. They kinda reminded me of Emmy Rossum’s high notes in the 2004 movie. Overall very nice.

Music of the Night:

Jon Robyns made this song look EASY. His vocals and acting choices were top notch, it was a treat to watch.

In the pause after “abandon their defenses…” when Christine looks away from the Phantom and towards the audience, he gasped and touched his mask as if ensuring it was still there. SUCH a great detail 🥺

He WHIMPERED when Christine touched him during the portcullis sprawl (after that, I wasn’t sure I would survive PONR, the horniness was too strong)

Lily’s Christine seemed quite unsure about the Phantom’s sensual touches at first, especially when he went in for the iconic pose, but then she relaxed and just fell against his arm

His “touch me” was the lowest sensual whisper I— 😩🥵

Christine touched his mask for a good couple of seconds during “savor each sensation”, but then it looked like her thumb went underneath the edge and was about to take it off, and that was when the Phantom pulled her hand away. Great stuff 👍

I know why they don’t do it anymore, but I miss the catch 😭 Christine fell to the floor and Jon’s Phantom reached out for her, before grabbing the cloak and covering her up. Then he knelt down next to her with his hands on his knees (like a lil kid) to say “you alone can make…” it was adorable and so sad 🥹

Stranger Than You Dreamt It:

When Christine first lays eyes on Erik’s deformity, she doesn’t flinch until he lunges at her. But then later, after she returned his mask, she flinched right away as if expecting him to lunge at her again 🥺

She even pushed herself as far away from him as she could when he began STYDI

He dragged—and I mean DRAGGED— himself across the door on his belly

Also he gave this like angry grunt before “repulsive carcass”

Jon’s voice sounded so scary, but his “dreams of beauty” and “oh, Christine” were WHIMPERS 😭😭😭

PATHETIC LITTLE MEOW MEOW ENERGY

After “oh, Christine”, he covered his face with both hands and sat on his knees with his back to the audience. When Christine handed him the mask, he ripped it out of her hand and put it back on.

Notes I/Prima Donna:

Excellent chemistry between Adam Linstead and Matt Harrop as the managers, I couldn’t get enough of their antics

This scene was where Joe Griffiths-Brown began to show his colors as a more aggressive Raoul, akin to Hadley Fraser in the 25th anniversary. Whether you prefer this portrayal of Raoul or not, I think it worked well here.

While the managers are busy singing “Prima Donna” with Carlotta and Piangi, Raoul was seen chatting with Madame Giry (Francesca Ellis). There were a couple more moments in the show where they are seen talking together or sharing a knowing look, which I’ve never really noticed before when watching recordings/bootlegs. It makes their little one-on-one discussion after “Masquerade” seem less random because we know they are already familiar with each other.

Also, Joe Griffiths-Brown’s voice is STRONG, like it cut through all the rest of the voices and could be clearly heard at the end of “Prima Donna”

Il Muto:

Lily de-la-Haye’s croaks were kind of strange… like I know it’s a strange part of the musical, but they sounded less like croaks and more like big yells. Idk

Guys. Jon’s Phantom laugh. 😳😩 Deeper than the Mariana Trench. Sent chills up my spine.

After hearing the Phantom’s voice, Raoul starts searching for him around Box Five

Guys, Adam Linstead is HILARIOUS as Andre. He was shaking like a leaf when he had to go out and announce the change in plan, flipping through his programme nervously. And his antics with the ballet dancers seemed so naturally clumsy!

“the ~BALLET~” 😂😂😂

When the scary silhouettes of the Phantom were showing up during the ballet, they were spotted by the shepherd dancer (Jacob Hughes), and he looked SO SCARED. He had on this huge nervous smile, you could tell he was thinking “oh shit god please no”, it was just a good piece of acting

All I Ask of You:

Lily’s Christine was very up-front about what she wants from Raoul in this song. During “say you love me every waking moment…”, she had her hand out to him as if saying “these are the terms, you can either agree to them or be done.” This, along with some other moments later in the show, made Lily’s interpretation refreshingly strong and assertive.

Joe Griffiths-Brown was BORN to sing Raoul. His voice suits AIAOY so well

He did a lil twirl with his arms out during AIAOY as he said “then say you’ll share with me…” and it was the sweetest thing ever 🥹

THE KISS!!! 😍😍 Raoul kissed Christine first (it was a little earlier than I was expecting), but after he pulled away Christine leaned in and gave him a bigger kiss back!

AIAOY Reprise:

Behind me, a girl went *gasp* “SHIT” when the Pegasus turned and revealed the Phantom, and that alone was worth the price of admission. (Btw, that moment of shock is exactly why you wait to reveal that the Phantom is eavesdropping until AFTER Christine and Raoul leave the rooftop… unlike SOME versions *glares at 2004 movie 😒)

Jon made me cry with his “I gave you my music…”

HIS WHIMPERS WHEN HE HEARS RAOUL AND CHRISTINE SINGING, Y’ALL I AM UNWELL

The horse statue is center-stage during this part, and the Phantom is perched right on top (VERY high up, holy shit). As he sang “you will curse…” he looked down at the audience and istg STRAIGHT AT ME 😳 (I was sitting dead center). Even though he definitely wasn’t staring at me in particular, I felt like we had a moment.

Act 2:

Masquerade/Why So Silent:

THE COSTUMES

SO SPARKLY ✨✨✨✨✨

AND SO DETAILED

AAAAAAAAAA MY EYES CANNOT HANDLE SUCH MAJESTY

If you’re like me and have only ever seen photos/video of the Masquerade scene, let me tell you that it does NOT do them justice

Speaking of which… I would like to formally apologize for hating on Christine’s “Star Princess” dress. It is a LOT prettier in person. I understand the hype now.

There was another moment where Raoul was seen chatting with Madame Giry about something. Again, this makes their convo at the end of this song make more sense since they already know each other.

Omg the Phantom’s entrance was STUNNING

Y’all how does he balance his big ol’ hat??? It’s just a big red puffball on top of his head lmao

Some people in the audience laughed in shock when the skull mask’s jaw started moving

Got flashbanged so I didn’t see the Phantom go down the trap door (which I guess is the whole point of the flashbang lol)

The convo between Raoul and Madame Giry was kinda rushed. Madame Giry reveals some important information about the Phantom’s backstory here, but Raoul was talking over her at some points and it was hard to hear.

Notes II:

I kinda wanted more acting-wise from Lily (Christine) during this scene… I was hoping she would get more angry at Carlotta and the managers, but she seemed oddly quiet. I think she was trying to convey how Christine is tired of all the bullshit happening around her during this scene. She was just done with everything.

Her “I cannot sing it, duty or not” and “I can’t. I won’t do it.” were certain and final.

Again, Joe’s Raoul was rather aggressive during this scene when he was coming up with the plan to trap the Phantom. Of course he was still gentle with her physically, but he was not hearing any arguments against the plan.

Having both a stubborn Christine and a stubborn Raoul seems like a difficult thing to make work, but I think it did in this show! Their clash during this scene makes Christine’s storming out more realistic—she has lost all her patience and just needs to be alone.

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again:

Lily really shone here. This was her moment, and she did not disappoint.

“Little Lotte thought of everything and nothing…” sounded so defeated and sad 😔

Her voice is just very nice to listen to. It’s not as classically operatic as some other Christines, it has more of a modern musical theater flair, but it suits the role very well imo.

When it got to “too many years…”, she let out all of her repressed anger and frustration in a powerful final chorus. It was very satisfying.

Wandering Child:

“Far-reaching gaze”

Damn these three sound SO GOOD together!!! Their vocals blend perfectly with each other

The sparks from the staff were cool! I’m always worried that they will look cheesy (and yeah, they kinda do), but Jon Robyns was selling it

GOD that fire effect at the end is HOTTT 🔥🔥🔥

Point of No Return:

Oh boy, this one was fun

His “preeeeeeey” was so long and creepy 😳

Maybe I’m just a simp, but I kinda wanted their acting to be a bit more sexy… like I don’t think Lily’s Christine was into it as much as I’ve seen some other Christines get into it, but it was spicy enough

You could tell the moment Christine realized it was the Phantom under the cloak, a look of understanding passed over her face. In the pause before she starts singing her verse, she was thinking for a bit… and then her “decided…” was so long and sultry.

Based on how she acted during this song from that point on, my theory is that she put together her own plan to trap the Phantom by using his lust for her against him. She went along with the seductive choreo in order to expose him to the audience… her hand touched his mask, and it looked like she was going to pull of the hood then and there before he flinched away.

Once they were singing the final chorus, they were straight up arguing with each other. Christine was already letting out her spite and frustration ahead of the Final Lair, and sje was letting the Phantom have it.

After the hood is off, it is Christine who calls off the guards by holding out her hands. This didn't seem like a protective move to me, it seemed like she was just saying “not yet, it’s not the right time”.

When he said “Say you want me”, he patted his chest (like calling a cat lol)

OMG Raoul’s jump into the lake is HIGH like how is that even safe??? Massive props to all the Raouls, that looks scary as shit

Final Lair:

Holy. Shit.

No notes whatsoever.

It was perfection.

CHRISTINE LET ERIK HAVE IT

SHE WAS DONE PLAYING GAMES, SHE WAS SCOLDING HIM WITH ALL OF HER ANGER

And Erik was done too. He had so much disdain in his voice when he talked about his backstory, his bitterness felt so real and justified

When Raoul came in, Erik’s mood switched COMPLETELY to being a cocky lil shit 😂 He was having way too much fun teasing Raoul and mock-bowing to him and being a lil goblin

He also said a line I haven’t heard before! Instead of “I had rather hoped that you would come”, he said “I did not think we would be so blessed” or something like that. Idk if that’s a recent change or what, but it was hilarious because he said it dripping with sarcasm

After “tears of hate” when Christine ran back over to Raoul, she held both her hands out, one to protect Raoul and one to hold back Erik

Lily’s “You deceived me, I gave my mind blindly” was so angry and accusatory (as it should be, because it’s true)

“Make. Your. Choice.” Chills 😳🥶

THE KISS 😱😱😱💀💀💀 (I’m dead)

The first kiss surprised Erik…he held his arms out to the side, unsure what to do with them. Then during the hug he wrapped them around Christine’s waist (with his hands still splayed out). Then the second kiss he kept his arms where they were and ACTUALLY KISSED HER BACK, HE LEANED IN AND EVERYTHING

GOD I AM DECEASED 😭😭😭😭

He pulled away first, looking SO SHOCKED. He stumbled over to the other side of the stage, touching his lips with his fingers 🥺🥺

After he let Raoul go, he had to chase them out of the lair. His “go now and leave me” was the DEFINITION of heartbreaking 😭😭😭 I still haven’t recovered.

When he saw Christine had come back he looked SO HAPPY, but then he looked down and saw the ring, and you could see him just deflate 🥺🥺 she handed him the ring, and he just held her hand for a minute.

His “Christine, I love you” was LONGGG and it just ripped my heart apart further

Lily did NOT want to leave him. She lingered there for several seconds, before turning and running away, leaving Erik’s arm still outstretched 😭

GOD the little sobs he let out as he watched Raoul and Christine leave on the boat 😫 and he covered his ears again like in AIAOY reprise

Overall reflection:

It was SO GOOD. Like I cannot describe how perfect it was in so many different ways. The cast and crew were nothing short of PHENOMENAL and I already cannot wait for a chance to see it again, however long that takes!!

I am an unapologetic RAH 25th anniversary stan, and the Ramin/Sierra/Hadley trio will always hold a special place in my heart (it’s more like a chokehold but I digress). I bring this up because I was SHOOK with how similar the current West End cast sounded to the 25th anniversary cast. Some of the acting choices were also quite similar, especially Joe’s Raoul and Jon’s Phantom. Overall, the three complimented each other very well vocally and the directions in which they took their characters worked together very nicely to tell a cohesive story.

I didn’t really know what to make of Lily Kerhoas’s Christine at first. I kinda felt like I wanted a bit more from her acting-wise, but as the show went on and the more I thought about it, I started to understand the journey she was taking with her Christine throughout the show. She starts out very shy during the Hannibal audition scene and “Little Lotte”, and only during MOTN do we start to see her come out of her shell a bit. Over the course of the show, she learns to become more confident and to stand up for herself and her needs against Joe’s very assertive Raoul and Jon’s very needy Phantom. I really liked this, because too often Christine is written off as another sweet innocent ingenue who is seduced by the Phantom, but Lily’s Christine was nothing like that. She had her own goals in mind and held onto them stubbornly, which led to her having the upper hand  in a lot of scenes. Perhaps not my favorite portrayal of Christine, but it was a refreshing change!

Joe Griffiths-Brown plays a very serious and determined Raoul that reminded me a lot of Hadley Fraser’s “out for blood” portrayal in the 25th anniversary production. He has his moments of sweetness of course, and he is very protective of Christine during AIAOY and the Final Lair. He definitely wasn't the sweet, golden-boi Raoul from the original novel, but alongside Lily’s very courageous Christine and Jon’s emotional Phantom I thought he was a great fit. Plus, he was pretty to look at. 🤭🫠

Jon Robyns NAILED IT. He mastered the balance between a terrifying force of nature and an emotionally broken man. His emotions felt real in the way that he said/sang each line… he meant every word he was saying. I think I would have liked a bit more physical sensuality from him (his Phantom Hands™️ were not as special as others I’ve seen), but other than that I cannot fault his portrayal. He ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it, and I said thank you.

Bonus:

My parents were waiting to meet me outside of the theatre after the show ended. According to them, the first person to leave the theatre was a teenage girl—she exited the doors with her hands stretched to the dark London sky, tears in her eyes, and said “OH MY GOD, I FEEL LIKE MY SOUL HAS BEEN RAPTURED!!!”

Same, girl. That pretty much sums it up.

[starlightandfairies]

hi love! could you do some comfort/fluff with daryl please? :))

Description: Daryl comforts the reader after the reader is injured by Daryl.

Warnings: swearing, fluff, she/her pronouns, twd violence, mentions of injury

*Requests are open, please send through as many requests as you want, and check my character list and requesting rules. I'm not too proud of this one."

Key: Y/N = Your Name, POV = Point of view

Word Count: 829

Daryl's POV

I had simply been out for a couple of days to make sure no walkers were invading our current place of refuge, to grab supplies and I didn't know that what I was coming back to would literally tear me apart. Usually, Y/N would be waiting by the gates if she hadn't come with me, always waiting there with a bright smile and always welcoming me with a hug despite how dirty or grimy I was. She didn't care about it, yet always told me I needed to wash off once we pulled away, only this time she wasn't there. 

Not once was she not there to greet me, so I know something was wrong, I knew that something bad had happened and knew that something wasn't right. Rick was walking past, he stopped and stared at me, the look in his eyes made the worry in the pit of my stomach get worse and fear more for the safety of my girl. 

"What happened? Where is she?" Rick led me to one of the buildings, it still felt like a relief to know that we were heading towards our shared room, the terror still laced through my entire body knowing that what lay on the other side of the door may not be good. 

"What happened, Rick?" 

"She needs you, be there for her now, don't go losing your shit. Do that later." Hearing those words didn't do anything to make me feel any better about the entire situation. I almost broke the door off its hinges with how I entered, I couldn't move as I saw her form, she looked so broken and tired, her pretty E/C eyes were covered by dark bruises, and her lips were stained with cuts and her face was swollen in parts and it didn't help that she still had cuts and bruises on her face as well. 

"What happened, sunshine?" Y/N carefully patted the spot next to her, she had bandages covering sections of her body, I didn't notice her body shaking until I saw her try and place her hand back in her lap. 

"I got attacked, I'm okay, really. Please don't worry, just hold me." Her words were hard to not get angry about, yet her voice and her little pleas broke me slightly, I pulled her into my arms and rested a kiss on the top of her head. 

"Who hurt you?" 

"I'm okay." 

"Who hurt you?" She sighed, giving me a small smile, she held my hand as I sat at her side and waited to hear who I need to hurt for hurting her. 

"I went on a run, Negan found me, he beat me up, then played a game of cat and mouse with walkers and myself. He had the decency to dump my body outside these gates and they got to me before I could die." I lay beside her, pulling her into my arms and placed a kiss on her forehead. 

"I'm going to kill that man."

"Not today, I just want you with me." I nodded in agreement, grabbed the book that she had with her and started reading it to her. 

"How was your run?" 

"Nothing special, I didn't find anything, pretty locations... you would like the scenery, you would find it pretty. I think you would really enjoy it, I'll have to show you when you're better." Her smile made me feel better about leaving her alone, I took a breath and rested my head on hers. 

"What did you need? You normally hate going out by yourself" 

"We're running low on feminine hygiene products. I went out to get some before there was nothing. Didn't find any, so I'm lucky I didn't lose anything." I took a breath, kissed her forehead again and was thankful that she was still alive. 

"Don't leave me again, just stay with me now... please?" 

"Of course, sunshine," I promised, pulling the blanket closer up her body and tucking her in more to the bed so she was nice and warm. Once she fell asleep, I got cleaned up a little, got her some food and made sure the room was comfier than it had been the last few days. I woke the girl up, handed her some food and got her to drink water to give her more energy. 

"You know, I really like when you call me sunshine." 

"I know, that's why I do it." She chuckled slightly, clutching her side as she recoiled in pain. 

"Guess laughter isn't the best medicine at the moment." 

"Hopefully you can laugh again soon, you've always had a gorgeous laugh." Y/n smiled at me, holding my hand and gave me a small little grin, the best that she could manage through her pain. 

[fallenwhumpee]

Heyyy so I've got 2 prompts in my head, neither is really whump but like hey.

1. Two friends on opposite sides of a fight. Like born to be friemds forced to be enemies. So like the 'good' friend manages to capture the 'bad' friend and has orders from his higher ups to torture him and he really doesn't want to so like they talk, the captured guy does still get pretty beat up cuz like he gets it, until his team comes in to save him. And they're lile lets catch up soon, k? Like i wanna explore the emotional side of this cuz like forced by duty.

2. Second in command plays into bait willingly but the team doesn't know that and thinks they were being reckless but it was all planned. His leader was down, along with his sister like figure, and their second main fighter was busy protecting them so he buys time by letting the enemy capture him and have their way with him. Anything can work, drugging, sedation, restraints (pretty please), injuries, whatever you heart pleases.

Ps. How have you been? Enjoy your time off <3

~🐈‍⬛💜

Im well, just looking for ways to be productive here too while slowly getting my works done.

Both are amazing prompts anon! Please have my try for the first one <3

Loyalty

• Masterlist •

Warnings: Mentioned torture, nosebleed, self-sacrifice.

Right Hand was shaking as they walked down the narrow stairs, their boss following right after them. They knew in that they were starting to seem off. They had to prove that they were loyal again. It was also the truth and what they wanted. They needed their team, and they needed to be in this side of the conflict.

But more than that, they loved their former captain, and now it was threatening their loyalty to their team.

What hurt them the most was that Whumpee didn't need to be their enemy. They were playing the necessary evil, and it was the agency's doing. Whumpee was once again paying the price for the flow of things.

Right Hand stumbled, their boss catching them from their collar to prevent them from falling.

"Your mind is somewhere else," Boss commented. "It's not like you. But you should get yourself together before we get to the cell. We wouldn't want a bad impression."

"Yessir," Right Hand answered automatically.

"I can trust you down here, can't I?"

"You can, and you should, sir. I don't think I've ever betrayed to your trust," Right Hand pulled themselves together.

"You did not. But I knew you had an unfortunate history."

Unfortunate, they held back a bitter chuckle. Unfortunate for Whumpee. They were stripped of their rank and team and pit into a position they didn't wish for. Just like Right Hand, only remained one from the former team, thrown into the opposite position. Right Hand could be considered even lucky. At least they weren't shouldering more than they could.

They walked in silence, their steps synchronised as if they had been at each other's side for years. It was wrong because Right Hand's place was Whumpee's side. Being like this was foreign and just... wrong.

Right Hand stopped when Boss put a hand to their shoulder. They slowly raised their gaze and met with Whumpee. They had to hold their breath, not to gasp at the sight of Whumpee's still form hanging from the ceiling by arms, hair damp and sticking to their sweaty pale skin as blood slowly dripped down from their nose.

"Extract as much information as you can before their minions find this place," Boss said to their ear. Right Hand nodded, again a fixed response to orders.

"I will come back to see your progress, but I should report something first. Have fun," Boss chirped before leaving. The tone froze Right Hand, causing their stomach to flip.

"Finally a familiar face," Whumpee whispered. The voice Right Hand once received orders that could make one tremble was now reduced to a weak croak. "The agency must've made a good cleanup."

"How can you be so calm?!" Right Hand snapped. They got into the cell quickly, releasing Whumpee's arms. They had to catch Whumpee from falling like a rag doll, the weight their arms support a lot less than they expected.

"It's good to see you too. But I wish it had been in better circumstances," Whumpee smiled as they held their nose, moving a little to lean back to the wall of the cell. They looked Right Hand with so much affection that Right Hand had to suppress their anger.

"I really don't know how anyone didn't notice yet," Right Hand kneeled next to them, their eyes asking for permission to check Whumpee. "You're not really subtle with your stubbornness to do the bare minimum to look bad or make your minions mess up the plans purposefully."

Whumpee shrugged. "I'm too busy to run a monopoly over the resources to be evil," they said with a fake offended voice. Then they chuckled slightly, trying their best to give an assuring smile.

Right Hand searched for any injuries, but it seemed that no one took a risk by leaving Whumpee to bleed. Right Hand was grateful for it, but the bruises and scars were worrying, along with the thought of what could be under the heavy bandages on Whumpee's torso and legs.

"I can't do what they wish from me," Right Hand confessed without dragging it any further. "I can't... I can't do what they did."

"But you'll have to, sooner or later. Don't feel bad about it. I know you don't... mean it," Whumpee answered, reaching to Right Hand's hand. Both of their hands were hard and calloused, causing the other's to itch a little, but it didn't matter. What mattered was Right Hand had to torture Whumpee.

"Leader," they whispered, their mouth having a bitter taste as they voice the name now buried into classified filed. Right Hand didn't have the strength to ask for forgiveness, and Whumpee's real name between their lips was the only way they could beg for it.

"Don't," Whumpee almsot choked out. "Don't do this to both of us. Don't think me as... as what I am."

As what I am.

Whumpee was still the same person under this disguise, and it was making Right Hand's work impossible. Because Right Hand's loyalty first belonged to Whumpee, and Whumpee truly did nothing to betray that trust.

"One would think we are the bad guys here," they chuckled bitterly, the hypocrisy of the whole situation catching up on them.

"Nothing is inheritly good or inheritly bad. At least what you do has more benefits," Whumpee reminded. Right Hand's shoulders tensed, slowly accepting the inevitable outcome.

"When will you stop sacrificing yourself?" Right Hand asked instead. They heard the distant sound of door opening. Whumpee must have heard, too, because they got to a kneeling position, head down as they pushed their nose harshly, making it bleed again.

It took Right Hand's all will not to react to that.

"I see talking didn't went well," Boss opened the cell door, leaning on the frame. "Please continue with what you were doing."

"Please obey your master little puppet," Whumpee mocked. Right Hand sighed, the tired sound easily could be mistaken as frustration. They caught Whumpee from their collar, slamming them to the wall. Whumpee went limb for a second but collected themselves a little as Right Hand let them stand on their feet, their eyes finding Boss.

Right Hand had never seen Whumpee look this arrogant before.

And Whumpee laughed. Boss pushed Right Hand aside and took Whumpee themselves, throwing the unmoving body to the opposite wall. Right Hand had to hold back a yelp as Whumpee cried with the impact.

"I would make you regret your every action, your betrayal, if so many villains weren't trying to save you or kill you themselves as we speak," Boss snarled. "But I guess I should now settle for your former underling torturing you after you already gone a round by professionals."

"You will be my neighbour in hell," Whumpee smirked.

Right Hand's mind immediately translated, I will see you later.

Boss motioned them to leave, so obeyed. By the time Rught Hand's team got out, a small group of villains were coming towards the hideout.

[penig]

So anyway, ever since I withdrew myself from the world of gainful employment over 15 years ago, my primary offline social contact is with our gaming group, which consists of six people meeting once a week, primarily for TTRPGs. Today two of our number had other things they needed to do and a third got sick, so it was just my husband, me, and our host, B. So we played board games.

The fourth and last game of the day was Settlers of Catan, and the way it went was both so anomalous and yet so characteristic of our group that it seems worth describing.

If you haven't played Settlers you should, as it is an excellent game. The goal is to get ten Victory points by building settlements, cities, and roads, which you do by collecting and spending resources generated by the terrain hexes you've built on, which have numbers from 2 to 12, exclusive of 7, on them. You roll 2d6 to generate numbers and can trade with other players and with the bank. No one wants to roll a 7, because instead of resources that activates a bandit. Anyone at the table with more than 7 resources at hand loses half of them, and the person who rolled the 7 has to put a bandit onto a hex, which cannot produce resources with a bandit on it, and is allowed to steal one card from anyone with a city or settlement on that hex.

This was our second Catan game of the day and we'd been rolling 7s like nobody's business. We have a house rule that any dice that produce a 7 for an entire round - one turn for each player, in this case three times in a row - are put in dice jail and a new pair substituted. We'd already done this during the first game, and it looked for awhile as if we might have to do it to the new pair, too. This was annoying, but not devastating, for the first half of the game, because our group avoids pitting the bandit against other players. As long as there's any undeveloped hexes, we tend to send the bandit there, and if we have to put it on a developed hex, don't opt to steal unless we're way behind. Today when we ran out of empty hexes, we agreed on one hex per player as the least productive ones they owned - a 2 hex with one settlement, a 12 hex with one settlement, and an 11 hex with one settlement. We even established an order, so everyone would be hit roughly the same number of times.

Then my husband stopped rolling 7s and started rolling exclusively numbers he got more resources for, so he was able to build more, so he was able to get more resources. About the time he was accumulating resources faster than he could spend them, which put him in danger of losing large numbers of resources to the bandit, and we realized that he had, unintentionally, cut B and me both off from half the board, I remarked to B that we needed to start targeting him and opting to steal when we rolled 7s, and we all agreed that this was reasonable.

From that point, not another 7 was rolled. B and I were looking at each other's resources and trying to put together swaps that would advantage us both, while my husband didn't have to make trades at all except with the bank, which is expensive, because other players will trade you one-to-one and the best deal the bank will make you is two-to-one. But it didn't matter, because where B and I got 0, 1, or 2 resources on every roll, my husband was getting 2, 3, or 4 and could spend them like water. At the time he hit 10 victory points, B had 4 and I had 3.

It had all gone lickety-split, too. B has started a new med and is tracking his food, and he had happened to get a snack as we started the game, so he checked the time he'd made that entry, and and a little over 20 minutes had passed. We play a lot of Catan and move pretty quickly in it, but we usually take around an hour and it's usually much closer. The previous game, we'd all had 9 victory points when the winner got the resources to build the city that would give him 10, and this is far more typical.

So, like I said, an anomalous game; but the agreement on how to minimize damage from the bandit, and later how B and I should use the bandit to combat my husband's extraordinary run of dice luck (if the dice luck hadn't been such a bitch about it) was very typical of how we play.

Not everyone does. I think most people tend to be a bit ruthless with the bandit. In fact, a number of years ago, my husband was conducting business with a game dealer at his warehouse, where he had some friends playing Catan, so I was watching their play and kibitzing. One person was cussing his luck and I pointed out a trade that would have been advantageous to both him and another player; but they weren't trading with each other because one player was deliberately targeting the other with the bandit, spending resources to buy cards that would allow him to move the bandit and steal even without a 7, and moreover putting the bandit on his most productive hexes, so this caused him to retaliate. "So you're jeopardizing your trading relationships to steal a single card?" I asked incredulously. And so it was: nobody was trading with anybody else because they were all too annoyed with each other about the bandit! They were adamant that this was how the game was played, though, and it wasn't my business, beyond making a mental note never to play with any of them.

But the game dealer, having overheard this, confided in us that he found the way they played more stressful than enjoyable, and asked us how we handled the bandit. When we told him he said that sounded like a lot more fun. And the next time my husband had business with him, he told us that he'd broken his friends of playing cutthroat Catan, by abandoning the quest for victory altogether. Anybody who used the bandit aggressively got hoisted by his own petard; he would backburner building in order to buy the Knight cards that allowed him to control the bandit, and target the offender ruthlessly, while making advantageous trades with anyone who minimized bandit damage. It was really only the one guy he had to rein in, and then he could enjoy the game with them again.

That seemed a bit extreme; but he knew his friends a lot better than I did. I'm sure our style of play is too tame for a lot of people. But I think all of us at our table have played too many games with people who went to war with each other, and quietly won by pursuing our own best interest under the cover of two people losing track of the game goal in order to cut each other off at the knees, to think a cutthroat game of anything makes any sense.

[mercury-lattice]

The Phoenix's Fortune--My Feeding Method as a Web/Desolation Avatar

I have a casino in-system, in the headspace. It's based on the one I had in my life before. I'm noncanon, but sourced from The Magnus Archives. TL;DR for those who are unfamiliar with the source itself, there's eldritch entities tied to certain fears, that influence and bind parts of themselves to people (who are called avatars). I'm an avatar of The Desolation (fears of fire, destruction of potential, loss) and The Web (fears of arachnophobia, manipulation/being controlled, addiction). Avatars feed themselves and their attached entities off of that fear they generate.

So, I was a weird case, being tied to two entities at once. I had to find my own ways to feed, if I wanted to be productive and feed both at once--which seemed to be the best course of action. And what kills two birds with one stone so-to-speak? Life-destroying addiction, of course! So, after deciding I didn't fit in with the other avatars of my home in the UK, I moved to somewhere in the USA and made myself a casino. I named it The Phoenix's Fortune--kind of a normal casino-y name and whatnot. But, the point of the name itself was that I was technically the phoenix gaining from everyone elses downfall. Bit of a nod to the phoenix rising from its own ashes thing--I just gain from everyone elses instead. That play on words being unknown to most people who frequented the casino fed The Web, subtly.

I don't remember where in the US it was, in all honesty. In life it also had a bar area and all that, but other than that it kind of… Looked like a casino if it were run by a volcano-phoenix worshipping cult. Mostly actual fire as lighting--oil lanterns lining the walls, big, ornate metal fire pits on the ground. I loved the phoenix imagery, so there was plenty of that around. Things like carvings on the walls, statues, and other miscellanious decor. I loved my lanterns--but I also loved fire pits. Huge, metal or concrete bowls that stand on the ground with fire in them. Mine were metal, of course. Concrete wouldn't heat up and burn if you were to accidentally touch it, and that's no fun. Any "accidents" fuelled The Desolation, at least a little.

Being tied to The Desolation, it of course was uncomfortably hot to be in the building at all. All the fire pits certianly helped with that. But of course, addiction doesn't care about that sort of thing... Uncomfortability is mild compared to eldrith-entity fuelled drive to gamble. People came and stayed despite the heat and thick smell of smoke. The slot machines and other things I had in there for people to waste their money away on were also warm to the touch. When you'd first start gambling, it was mainly a sense of discomfort. The deeper people fell into the trap of addiction, though, the hotter the equipment got, until their hands weren't necessarily recogniseable as hands, or some even fused into the objects themselves from the melting heat--trapping them there physically. That definitely fuelled my own fire.

The Web needed more than just wordplay, though. So, I decided to prolong the addiction, wrap people up in more threads of fate, and open the opportunity for more burning later down the line. I had plenty of people come to me, having spent their life savings on those damn machines, begging me to help them--people in desperate situations try desparate things. So, I gave out loans--money meant nothing to me in the end, and I had plenty. Of course, some would just spend it right away and that was a nice chance to melt some people for taking advantage of my "generosity".

Others would try to actually pick their life back up! But rarely did the money make its way back to me. So, a bit of waiting, watching them pick up the pieces, unknowing of anything I'm pulling behind the scenes. And eventually, there would be more burning. Either they made mistakes on their own with a little bit of twisting behind the scenes, or I got fed up and there had to be a bit of a "freak accident", which usually involved anything they had gained getting melted--houses, families, other material belongings, whatever. I loved the more drawn-out ones, where people went quite a while without falling into it, and they even felt safe, not knowing I was still pulling strings.

It's mostly the same imagery innerworld, I wanted close to a replica because really, I did live in that place and it was also literally my lifeforce. It honestly was almost like an extension of me in a way. It wasn't literally me, like The Distortion's door being itself, it was just like... If I were to carry a bag with me and felt lost or naked without it, the building would have an equivalent feeling to that. Something that isn't me, but needs to be with me. Like a comfort item integral to my identity.

Of course, I can't burn people in-system--there's rules against that. But having that reminder and that security of before helps all the same.

[m--rtyr]

TODAY WE HAVE EVERYBODY’S FAVORITE LURKER..

Wait.. who is that?

(Squints trying to the magic tv script)

Vlad..

Vilad…

VYLAD BO’PEEP!

Wait..

RO’WEAVE

RO’LEAF

RO’LEAVE

RO’PEEVE

RO’TEE

Oh.

RO’MEAVE!

VYLAD RO’MEAVE!

i have a lot of unanswered asks, lol.

i'm starting with this one.

okay, so, Lr stuff for Vylad, long post, yada yada, look beneath the cut. also, this only applies to LR, not my MyS rewrite, in which Ro'Meave family dynamics are Very Different.

this isn't very eloquent bc im on new meds so sorry about that. just a bit tired, can't focus.

tw, sk stuff, vague references to violence.

Something i want to preface about the Ro'Meaves is that the Ro'Bros are not the only Ro'Meave children. They are the eldest three, and often only ever really the ones acknowledged by their parents, but they're not the only children. Once Garte became invested in the concept of taking over Ru'Aun, he insisted on having as many heirs as possible, and as he only saw Garroth as a viable heir, he did have others. These children were all, however, raised seperate by nurses and nannies, only Garroth, Zane and Vylad were raised by their mother. so they didn't impact the brothers much.

Vylad was Zianna's only lovechild, her eldest two born out of obligation moreso than genuine affection to her husband (Zianna and Garte's marriage was an arranged affair), and so he was, by default, her favourite. Zianna felt very guilty for this, of course, but Garroth and Zane were GARTE's sons, the sons of house Ro'Meave, of O'Khasis, and Vylad was simply hers. Whilst the eldest two got to learn politics and such from tutors their father paid, Zianna would teach Vylad art and music and dance. Sure, they were skills moreso associated with women, but if Vylad was her son, he would raise her as she saw fit. The pair were practically inseperable for most of Vylad's early life, and even as he got older, they were often found together.

This got much of Zane's envy, as he was meant to be their mother's favourite. He was named after her, he was the son who bore the most resemblance to her, and after everything with Vylad, no one was ever quite sure that Zane was Garte's son. Vylad had another parent somewhere, but Zane only had Zianna, and he needed to be her favourite. This didn't matter much when they were kids, since Zane was rather sickly, and so Zianna and Vylad were both often there to tend to him, but when he was older, and had the attention of physicians and nurses instead, he was slightly more bitter, and it drove a wedge between him and Vylad.

Vylad first found out he was a bastard as a result of this bitterness. Zane had started to vy for Garte's attention instead, and as such was subject to one of his father's drunken rambles about 'family embarassments'. to deflect from the sections of his rant about himself, Zane instead focused on the accusations that Vylad was a product of adultery, and Zianna was avoidant but honest when Vylad asked her. None of them had really pieced together that Vylad wasn't their full-brother as Garroth and Zane themselves looked so different from eachother, and tanned skin and curly hair wasn't uncommon among Ro'Meaves, but once they knew it was obvious it was true.

Vylad ended up being a bit of a bard, sneaking out to go and play in taverns, sneaking down to the fighting pits with katelyn to pick pocket and start brawls among the viewers. He was just sort of... a normal teenager.

I won't go too much into what home life was like for the Ro'Meave kids, or into the other heirs that Garte produced, because honestly idk if i'm awake enough to approach that subject as... delicately as it may require.

but, when it comes to how Vylad became an Sk, we have to turn to zane.

I won't go too much into what happened, since it is a weirdly Zane-centric event, despite it being Vylad's death. Also would require trigger warnings i, again, am too tired to delve into rn. But the important thing is that Vylad died the night of Garroth's wedding, not knowing that Garroth had run away, or that Garte had denounced Zane as an heir. He died thinking his family was fine, and the same as it always was, assuming that their lives were going to continue with Garroth becoming Lord, and Zane becoming a member of the Lord Council, as had always been the plan.

Vylad can't remember most of his early years as an SK, just that they were mostly spent in the abyss, and that they were bloodhungry. It's always a risk with turning someone more... magically-inclined. the more magic they have, the more sensitive they are to the change, the more beastly they become. He tries not to dwell on it. he spends most of his time hunting down SKs now, mostly those who gorge themselves, usually for money. It's not glamorous, but at least accepting pay for his kills keeps Gene off of his back about it, since Gene can appreciate the allure of luxury. He mostly just wants to keep moving onwards, focusing on tomorrow, and keep people safe. It's why he takes on The Wanderer as his Saint, as opposed to keeping the Matron, or even Judgement.

But things change when Vylad meets Avra. which is the prologue of LR, so

[baezen]

lieutenant smoulder [08/15]

pairing: bucky barnes x reader word count: 2258 warnings: mentions of periods/menstrual cycles, allusion to pregnancy, a bombshell of a secret, angst

prompt: “i was made for you”

summary: in which they put aside any previous issues to tackle the next obstacle

author’s note: wow, been a minute, huh?

glow | lieutenant smoulder | inferno

Y/N hated that she’d noticed, but the couple of times where she’s stayed at Bucky’s the previous night, he’d left in a rush. She also hated that she knew this morning he’d slept in and hadn’t gone anywhere.

Pushing that aside, she got up and threw his t-shirt over her head so she could make breakfast. Flicking the radio on to hear some catchy pop song and opening a window to let some fresh air in.

Their shift started in just over an hour, so she brewed up a pot of coffee and started making some bacon and eggs. She was starving, and knew leftover birthday cake wasn’t a substantial enough breakfast.

She wasn’t sure how long Bucky had been awake and watching her dance around the kitchen, but he seemed to be enjoying the show.

“Uh, I made food,” she said, gesturing to the plates on the counter in front of her.

He thanked her with a brief kiss and sat up at the breakfast bar to eat. She slid a mug of coffee over to him and picked at the last of her eggs.

“I need a shower before work,” she announced.

“I’ll let myself out,” he told her. “Thanks for breakfast.”

She slipped out of his shirt and left it on the counter beside him, well aware he was watching her as she walked to the bathroom. 

+++

Y/N couldn’t explain it, but she’d felt something shift. Her relationship with Bucky – if you could call it such – had changed and she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. There was something he was hiding and she didn’t like the jealous feeling that sat in the pit of her stomach.

“You any good at poker?” Romanoff asked as Y/N joined the crew in the mess.

She’d been busy in the gym for the past hour, trying to work her frustrations out in a more productive way. Freshly showered and ready for a quiet evening after a couple of calls throughout the afternoon. There hadn’t been anything major, so everyone was busy lounging around and enjoying the downtime.

Romanoff, Barnes, Wilson, Hill and Banner were playing poker. Someone was making dinner, but she forgot who’s night it was.

“Eh, I’ve played before,” she confessed. “Not sure if I’m any good, though.”

Romanoff dealt her in and she took a seat beside Banner, opposite Hill.

The basics were explained to her as they played a dummy round, just so she could get the hang of everything. It didn’t make a lot of sense, but they were betting peanuts rather than money, so she didn’t care if she won or lost. 

Bruce was quite obviously good, but it was Romanoff and Barnes’ poker faces that threw Y/N a bit. Hill looked like she’s rather be anywhere else but playing, and Wilson kept the banter high. He did his best to make the stone cold duo crack, and while Barnes did occasionally laugh, he was right back to being unreadable.

Y/N had seen that face the previous two mornings when he’d left without so much as a reason. She tried not to let it bother her, but it did, and she wasn’t sure why. 

“Hey, you’ve been kind of off for the last couple weeks. Everything okay?” Romanoff asked. It’d been a while since she’d found herself alone in the red-head’s company, but as they stripped the linen from the beds to do laundry, Y/N almost appreciated the check-in. 

“Yeah, just have a bit on my mind, is all,” she admitted half-heartedly.

“Doesn’t have anything to do with the guy who left the gnarly bruise on your neck after your birthday, does it?”

Y/N laughed as she folded the fitted sheet around the bed in front of her. “It plays a small part, I guess.”

“You want to talk about it?”

Natasha left the question hanging in the air between them, letting Y/N decide whether she wanted to chat or not. After a while, once the bed Y/N had been remaking was finished, she sighed. 

“I think he’s hiding something from me,” she admitted. “He’s always quick to make an exit and constantly telling me he’s having dinner with his Mom, or they get coffee every morning, blah blah. I just can’t help but feel like he’s lying about something.”

Natasha hummed. “Have you asked him about it?”

“We don’t have that kind of relationship,” she said. “I don’t want to come across as jealous or possessive, but if there’s someone else, I’d like to know, you know?”

“Do you want my advice or do you just want to vent?”

“Advice.”

“I think it’s wise to confront him. If it’s just sex between the two of you, you have a right to know if he’s sleeping around with other women. If it was me, I wouldn’t want to see him if he didn’t wear protection. But on the other hand, maybe he is being honest. He could just be a total Mama’s boy.”

Y/N snorted in laughter. “You want to know the kicker, Nat?”

“Hit me,”

“We didn’t use a condom once, and ever since, he’s been insistent on using them,” Y/N said. “And I didn’t fight it, just because I don’t want some other woman’s STD. Last time we had this arrangement neither of us even thought about condoms. That’s what makes me think there’s someone else.”

“It sounds like you need to decide if you want to keep having sex with him, or sit him down and find out what he isn’t telling you,” Natasha said. “If it was me…I wouldn’t have sex with him again until he told me.”

“He’s been busy these last couple weeks,” Y/N said. “Since my birthday…he’s been weird. ‘We can’t see each other tonight, I’m out of town,’ or ‘I can be there in three hours.’ Like, if you don’t want to keep this going then just tell me. I’m a big girl, I can handle it. I just feel like I’m going crazy.”

“You’re not going crazy,” Natasha assured her. “He’s making excuses.”

“And if he is sleeping with other women, do I want him in my bed three hours after he’s likely been in her bed?”

“He sounds like trouble.”

You have no idea.

Y/N sighed, running a hand over her face. “Too much trouble for it to just be sex, right?”

“I didn’t say that,” she replied. “Only you know what you want the outcome to be. Just have to decide whether confronting him about his lies is worth losing the thing you have if you don’t like the answer.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Nat.”

Y/N hauled a bag of washing down to the laundry room, needing a moment of silence to think things through. Natasha had a look about her, something she couldn’t quite read. Like she knew something Y/N didn’t, or maybe she was truly clueless and was trying to imagine herself in Y/N’s shoes.

“There’s more going on, isn’t there?” Natasha asked.

As she entered the laundry room with another bag of washing, she found Y/N leaning against the machine with her head lowered.

“I’m late, Nat. Him being weird about the condoms and his general behavior lately…I feel sick.”

Natasha didn’t get a chance to reply, because Wilson was hollering that dinner was ready. She gave Y/N a sympathetic look, but didn’t press the issue as she started angrily throwing sheets into one of the machines. Simply placing a friendly hand on her shoulder and leaving her alone. 

Y/N would be lying if she said she didn’t shed a couple tears, but she was quick to gather herself before plastering on a happy face and joining the team for dinner. Sam had made one of his family’s recipes, and the smell alone made her salivate.

Even if the thought of eating anything made her sick to her stomach.

She dished herself up a small plate, but grabbed a bottle of water as well. Taking a seat beside Bruce, far away from Bucky. Aware that the motion didn’t go undetected from the latter, but forcing herself to eat despite not feeling hungry.

+++

A quiet night was needed, but it wasn’t likely. The siren rang out a little after nine – a candle had caught the shower curtain alight while its owner fell asleep in the bathtub. They required some minor medical attention, and the bathroom was worse for wear, but they’d be okay. It was a good outcome all things considered. 

Y/N was getting a bottle of water from the kitchen when Bucky cornered her. She’d been avoiding him and it was obvious he was here to address that. Even if he had waited until the shift was almost over, while everyone else was asleep in the bunk room. 

“What crawled up your ass and died?” He asked. 

Sure, he could’ve gone about it better, but this was the safest way to communicate. Snippy comments and sarcastic remarks were her M.O. He was trying to make her comfortable to have this conversation while at work.

“Not in the mood today, Barnes,” she replied with a sigh.

He took a moment to stare her down, really look at her. It’d been a couple days since he’d stayed over after her birthday, but she looked exhausted. Dark circles had made themselves at home under her eyes, her brows seemed to be set in a permanent frown, and her attitude had been less than that of a team-player.

While Y/N was still alternating who took the lead on calls, she’d barely spoken to him unless absolutely necessary. Even his smart-ass jabs hadn’t been enough to warrant a retort. 

“Anything I can help with?” He pressed. 

“You’ve done enough,” she stated, letting the words settle between them. 

“So you’re mad at me? That’s new.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes as he turned away.

“Get fucked, Barnes.”

“Are you on your period or something?” He snapped. “Because you’re never this much of a cunt without good reason.”

“Fuck you,” she spat. “I’m allowed to be pissed off without anyone questioning my menstrual cycle. But between you and me? I’m late.”

She was glad she whispered the last part, because it really drove home her point. His eyes widened ever-so-slightly, mouth opening to say something but ultimately deciding against it.

“I’ll pee on a damn stick within the hour. I don’t need you to hold my hand. I don’t need you to do anything, except leave me the fuck alone. Are we clear?”

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The first tear fell before she had the chance to swipe it away, and he was quick to wrap his arms around her.

“Let me go.”

“I can’t do that,” he replied, holding her tight as her tears began to soak his shirt. She hated feeling weak, but she hated it even more than he was the one seeing her like this. That he had played a potential role in this situation. “It could just be late.”

“Stop talking,” she shushed him, not wanting to hear any words of comfort from him. The thought had already crossed her mind, but her cycle was like clockwork. She were late, it was as simple as that. 

When the siren blared out, she pulled away from him and quickly wiped her face as she raced to the gear room, listening to where the call was coming from. Her heart sank to the pit of your stomach as she pulled on her turnouts, watching everyone else doing the same.

“That’s a school,” someone said. She honestly had no idea who said it because she was climbing into the rig and putting on her best game face. 

Barnes took his seat opposite her, his face riddled with worry as Captain Wilson relayed the information of the call.

“Fire alarm is going off at an elementary school. No news yet where the fire is, but most of the school has been evacuated. There will be parents going crazy trying to find their kids since it’s about time for school drop-off. We do not need them playing the hero and running into a burning building, copy?”

There was a chorus of ‘yes, sir’s that rang out, but Y/N’s eyes were locked on Bucky. Bucky, who usually kept his face blank when calls like this came in. Bucky, who would joke and keep morale up, was eerily quiet.

It worried her.

When they arrived at the school, she looked at him to run point.

He had eyes for no one but her.

“I need you to take this call, Y/L/N,” he said, voice thick and gravelly. He looked spooked. “I can’t go in there.”

“What? Barnes, it’s all hands on deck! Get your fucking head in the game!” She snapped.

“You’re running point because my son is in there!” He yelled back, running a hand over his face. “Please, my son is in there.”

She squared her shoulders, pushing aside any fear she had. Any doubt she had behind why he’d frozen. 

He had a son. A son he’d literally only just told her about. A son. 

“I’ve got him, Barnes,” she assured him, holding out her fist. He needed to bump it – it was good luck. A promise. She would do everything she could to make sure his boy was safe.

When his fist touched hers, she nodded and turned to face her team. 

[levok]

Patiently waiting for Omar's summertalk translation by our kind Swedish speaking friends 🧘🏻‍♀️

Let me google translate it for you <3 - after the jump (I havent read it through for errors)

There is a before and an after.

Before….then I had a music career. First as a member of Scandinavia's biggest boy band and then as a solo artist.

…I was on my way.

Since…. apparently some idiot in Wuhan ate a bat and I ended up behind.

The pandemic.

Everything was closed and turned off.

There were no studios to go to. No offices to have meetings. It was like that for everyone, but then and there it felt like it was mostly for me. It sucked.

I had no job, no one needed me, no one wanted to see me. I got depressed, everything was just shit.

Lying paralyzed at home in the rickety apartment in Barkarby where I was staying with a friend. I slept in a mini bed, we had no living room, no comfortable chair to sit on and it was quite dirty.

What choices did I have?

I could start studying at the high school.

Or I could smear myself in dog food and throw myself in with the pit bull terriers, that sounded better.

Not a chance I'm going back to school-hell.

Then, through my friend Felicia, who is an actress, I heard about a casting for a new TV series. It was a crime series created for Viaplay, "Lyckoviken".

Now that the music career was over, maybe I should invest in becoming an actress? The role was made for me. A singing guy with a guitar, foreign accent, around 21 years old. It's me. Except for the guitar, but I could learn some chords and try to look like I'm good as shit.

Now everything would turn around.

After the casting, Felicia and I got to audition one more time because they liked us. They liked me.

Then I just waited for them to call from the production and say that I would play one of the main roles in the series "Lyckoviken".

At first they didn't call.

But then…. they didn't call either.

The only text I received during these gray days was from my friend with whom I lived.

It said: "I'm breaking up with you as a friend."

What the fuck? Most unclear. I have to move out of here, what the hell is going on?!

But the role, it was mine... until Felicia called and said that someone else would play me, or I mean play the role that I wanted.

I cried.

I cried when I called my mother in Spain.

I cried when she answered.

"Mother my life is over. I'm 22 and it's all over. I can't handle anything, I don't get anything."

Mom gets sad. But she doesn't show it. She has taken me from Venezuela to Sweden. She has done everything for me and for me to succeed in my dream, my artist career. She has fought for me to succeed in what she herself once dreamed of but could not realize.

She says, in Spanish: “Omarcito. Now I want you to stop crying. Take a shower, fix your hair, put on your best outfit and hit the town and show the world your face. You are going to make this day the greatest. You should feel your best, look good and meet your best friends. Don't hide at home. If life hits you, get back up and show life your face.”

"Sal y muestra tu cara a la vida."

Go out and show life your face….

Yes, mother. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

MUSIC: Azul – Cristian Castro

Mother,

I don't remember my first years, surely no one does. But you have told us about our time together. About dad, who drank. Quite often he was scary and dangerous. That he used to kidnap me sometimes and no one knew where he took me. We lived in a baby blue house in a beautiful town called Puerto La Cruz. It is located on the coast, right on the Caribbean with lots of white beaches in Venezuela.

One day we came home and dad had pulled. He took everything with him. He must have had help, because the only thing left was a mattress, a painting depicting you mother, and my gold necklace, which was probably dropped on the floor on the way out. That was all that was left. And so I, as luck would have it.

Dad never came back, but the family on your side was there, especially grandma. The women in the family always showed up after the men left. There are some men who have actually been good in my family, a few. But women have always been strong. Time after time, they have lost everything, and then they have struggled and organized and worked to make sure that the children and the family have a good life and a roof over their heads.

I remember Grandma, and I've missed her ever since she passed away. She turned 50, it was cancer.

Grandma was the worst fashionista. Always makeup, head to toe beautiful, always high heels.

Mom says grandma couldn't walk without heels, then her feet hurt. Grandma and her husband were self-employed. They had a guard company and access to weapons. Grandma knew exactly how to use them.

You stood there in the ruins of your life mom, but grandma helped you get back on your feet, and me.

Then you had to fight to make our lives work. You worked long hours, and luckily we met a girl, Rosita. Her family came from the high mountains, where the poorer families live.

She became the daughter that you, mother, never had. She moved in with us and took care of me while you were away. I liked her so much, we used to steal mangoes from the neighbor and eat them with lots of adobo. It is a salt seasoning.

While you were trying to put our life back together, Dad put our house up for sale. He totally messed with us, messed with you living in the house with his and your child. We didn't even know about it.

One day grandma drove us home, and the house was locked with a big padlock. We saw some women moving inside our house, they were cleaning. Grandma took out the gun, aimed at the lock and shot it to pieces. Weapons drawn, she entered, the women threw their hands in the air and shouted that they knew nothing. Then they ran away, across the asphalt, without even taking their shoes with them.

It became a fucking war with lawyers. In the end we actually got to stay.

(Short break)

Cut to - we had a good time. I had my own bed. A separate room filled with lots of toys.

We even had a dog.

But life must have been so hard for you mom.

I understand that. I see it, and I hear it, and I believe you, mother you must believe me - for me it was a wonderful time, perhaps the best of my life.

I was so loved. You, great-grandmother and all her children, my uncles and aunts, cousins ​​and the whole family. You loved me. I loved you.

In grandma's big red house we had family dinners and parties. Grandma had her own animals that roamed freely everywhere. Turtles, two swans who were very dangerous though and always chased me and my cousin Ahimee when we were out playing.

We also mustn't forget Grandma's pet monkey, Panchito. Everyone hated that monkey, it was a pig to a monkey, it threw mangoes at us and peed on the food. Grandma protected the monkey with her life and would beat whoever tried to harm the monkey.

Grandma loved to sing and dance, just like everyone else in the family, but she was a fucking superstar.

And maybe she put a ray of her talent in me.

Someone lifted me onto the table and shouted: "Cheer for the artist Omarcito!" I sang, threw off my diaper and danced. You think I'm drifting but it's actually true. Someday you might get to see pictures.

I felt so good in Venezuela, was the happiest kid in the world.

My childhood was a web, a pattern of love, light, music and warmth.

But in my life there are also other patterns.

I had a crappy dad. Dad had a crappy dad. Mom had a crappy dad.. Grandma had a crappy dad. Great grandma had a crap dad.

Listen, mom, that's enough! I promise I'll be the first to break the pattern.

MUSIC: A Puro Dolor – Son by Four

I have a few memories from when I first came to Sweden.

Everything is like blurry fragments, or puzzle pieces that my brain can't quite put together into a complete picture.

When we land, it's summer, and it feels like...nothing at all. It's a beautiful summer day, not as hot as at home but still quite nice.

And there he stands, Tomas.

He stands there and receives us.

To me it is unclear who he is, he is just Tomas. A new friend.

He had visited us in Venezuela a couple of months before so that we could get to know him and he would get to know mother, me and the whole family. He was liked by all.

Now I get to see his car, a red Volvo. I'm not that impressed with the car, but it's red, it's nice.

We get into the car. I get in the back seat and fall asleep, my memory goes out there.

When I wake up, I'm lying on a sofa bed in an apartment. It feels like I slept for three days. Or some puzzle pieces are missing. But this is where we will live now, in this apartment, in this city called Karlstad.

Mom and Thomas lean over me, they hold a giant stuffed snake over my face and I start laughing. They are so quirky. That snake is mine now. Love that it's like three times as tall as me.

Now the fragments come a little closer.

Over time I realized that mother and Tomas were in love. They hugged and laughed a lot together. Tomas started to become a bit like a father figure to me. It was a bit hard to take in because I hadn't grown up with a father, and not being able to talk and understand him didn't make it any easier at first. But I felt safe with Tomas. He was funny, kind and he made up funny things with us. He was there every day, it was something new for me. Something I would get used to.

After only a month from the time we landed in Sweden, there was a wedding. I had to help mom choose a wedding dress. We both agreed it would be a white dress. I specifically wanted her to have a little crown in her hair, like Disney princesses have. That's exactly how it happened.

It was a nice summer day. The wedding was outdoors, at Toma's mother's house. She had the most beautiful plot I have ever seen. There was the scent of flowers everywhere you went. Mom and I loved their plot and I couldn't stop adventuring.

At the wedding I was allowed to eat as many strawberries as I wanted. I have never eaten as many strawberries as I did that day. They were so red and juicy. After a while I was the only one who looked like a little drunk, shirt unbuttoned and soaked, dirty pants, messy face and hair a mess. Then out of nowhere, torrential rain.

There was panic, people tried to save the food and cake, mother's white dress got dirty and stuck to her body. The grass was super slippery and people were slipping around. It just got crazy. Then we stood under the balcony roof for the rest of the wedding.

It was still a nice day as I remember it.

Hope the bride and groom also feel the same way as I do.

All in all it was a nice time.

My first month in Sweden.

MUSIC: Mama – Omar Rudberg

When I was little, I had a lot of fantasies. I made movies in my head. I pretended to be every superhero I had just seen on film and I fought bad guys.

 I loved dinosaurs. When I didn't have toys, I played with my hands. I made a dinosaur with one hand and another with the other.

Then it just sounded….pshoo…chee….they were fighting. They have the hell of a fight. One flies into the rock wall, others fall and get stuck with their teeth in the ground.

It was at such a weird level that Tomas thought they should take me to a child psychologist, just check me out to be safe.

Mom was stressed. She wanted me to be a healthy kid. But to be absolutely sure that I was really healthy, they sent me to a child psychologist. She had lots of nice toys. We hung out for an hour or so and we became very good friends. I don't know how we talked, maybe she knew Spanish, but we clicked. Then mother came, she was very worried.

The psychologist said: "You must never laugh at or play with Omar's fantasies, because he is a healthy kid. He is a child, let him be and let him live in his little world, because he will be happy and well.”

So there was nothing wrong with me.

And honestly, I needed my fantasies, because the first time here was alone.

We wanted to become Swedish citizens, but I wasn't allowed to start school. Officially, we were here as tourists and did not yet have a residence permit.

I missed over a year of school.

So it was pretty much mom and me.

Tomas worked every day.

If we had gone to a foreign country on the other side of the world, just mom and me, then you have to stick together. And we did.

We went out every day on discovery trips to get to know Sweden and Karlstad.

It was summer but the weather wasn't as hot as at home, but it was still chill.

Something that mom and I noticed was how calm and quiet it was in Karlstad compared to where we came from. Not a lot of traffic, no honking cars, no loud music anywhere, no one standing and shouting at each other in the middle of people. Yes, it was much quieter here. It felt safer for both me and mother, but often it also got a bit boring.

One day I got a dragon, a green dragon. It had dragon wings and a dragon face. I had never had a kite before.

Outside the apartment was a tall grass hill.

I went all the way up and tried to get my kite to take off. In front of the hill there was a kindergarten, and a great many children were playing there. I remember the feeling so strongly, I watched them and really wanted to be there. But I was not part of their world.

It was difficult to get the dragon up. Sometimes it flew a few meters but then it crashed.

If I ran fast, it went better. Downstairs from the kindergarten, I used to hear the other children being called in for snack, but I ran on the hill.

It did nothing.

I was alone, but it didn't matter. I understood that my time had not come yet, but maybe soon? There will surely come a day when the kindergarten teacher will call: "Omar, you have to come in now, isn't it?" And I would say: "My name is actually Omaar!"

In Venezuela I had also attended kindergarten. There you start learning things early. Learned to spell and write when I was about three years old. And I had a lot of friends. There was even a girl that I had a crush on. So I knew that I am also someone who can be someone's friend.

And now we also had the psychologist, what did she say? "Omar is a healthy kid."

The wind caught hold of the kite, and suddenly it took off. Loud, fucking loud. It jerked a little to the sides and tried to tear itself away. But I held the string, and it was I who steered the kite, however it danced with the winds. On a grassy hill in Karlstad, I was in charge.

Omarcito, a kid with a lot of imagination. Who tames dragons.

MUSIC: Te Quiero - Barney

I learned Swedish quickly. Absorbed in me the language without doubt. I began to notice that my mother often asked me, "What does this mean?" What does this email say?” or "Can you help me write a text message?"

Tomas only spoke Swedish to me. And with mother, for her to learn.

I started to think it was cool with Swedish.

It became so cool that I stopped speaking Spanish with my mother.

She didn't like it, not at all. One day everything turned around, she exploded.

“We are from Venezuela and our language is Spanish!”

"From now on, I won't understand if you speak Swedish to me."

She stopped answering me when I addressed her in the wrong language. When I asked for water in Swedish, she just looked at me.

I got mad, she thought she was stupid. “Can you please stop?”

She absolutely did not stop.

“Yo no hablo sueco Omar. Check my hair. Check my face. I'm not from here”.

It was her way of keeping me close to our roots. She was afraid that I would forget the language and lose our common origin, and perhaps even more our common background. She didn't want to lose me. She didn't want me to lose myself.

We were in Sweden but we were something other than Swedes. I soon understood that, not only from mother but from everywhere.

Here I was different. I didn't know the language, my hair was curly, I had a different style and I was fat brown. As a child I was very brown.

So even though I was scolded by my mother for becoming too Swedish, I was not Swedish among Swedes. But when we went to visit relatives in Venezuela, I was suddenly Swedish.

In Venezuela, my cousins ​​did my mining. "Have you gone and become a gringo now or not? What the hell do you sound like? Gringo, gringooooo hahaha”, I kept hearing. Got teased for losing the Venezuelan way of being quick in the mouth.

So now I became sensitive and easy to push down.

Went crying to mom several times.

“They say I'm a gringo. I was born here.”

"But what's the problem, you like to speak Swedish." Then get on with it,” she said.

I didn't place anywhere. Now I was the dragon and no one was holding the string.

MUSIC: Amparito – Maracaibo 15

Maybe it was because I didn't place anywhere that I started taking places?

I was an outsider, but I didn't hide.

I sang and danced and at the age of ten I started performing and competing in talent contests.

Mother was a dance teacher and had started her own business. She had great dance classes.

She herself had had dreams of becoming an artist, but above all an actor when she was younger.

I got to join her classes and dance with her and all her students. Helped choreograph and cleaned up both before and after her classes.

I became very good friends with a group of girls in one of her dance classes. They were a group the same age as me.

Mom coached me. Helped me choreograph light dance steps and with staging that I would run on stage.

She and Tomas used to drive me to the races. My goal was to be in Talang on TV4, never missed an episode.

And I actually dared to apply, I was accepted to take part in a selection when I was ten years old.

But after my first attempt at Talang in a shopping center somewhere in Sweden, I didn't make it. I had danced like Michael Jackson, was dressed like him, it was Billie Jean. They didn't choose me, but I was still happy, because afterwards the jury said I was good.

Mom knew how to top our act to make it better. She didn't give up. I would move on. She found out that the week after, Talang had an audition in Jönköping. This time I wasn't just going to dance. Now I would sing and dance. There was a lot of snow on the roads and I remember we were stressed and late.

Mom happened to drive the wrong way. We rode in a minivan and slid on the snow like ice skates.

But we make it just in time, mom asks them to please let me perform and do my audition. They say my name and the crowd cheers. The music starts.

It's Livin' La Vida Loca with Ricky Martin on top volume.

The audience screams.

I dance my way onto the stage, shake my shoulders, wiggle my hips and create chaos.

Walks off stage suffering from stomach cramps. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm lying on my mother's lap, it's probably the nerves and the tension.

But I have moved on. I'm going to be on TV, for the first time!

MUSIC: Livin' La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin

I went to a school in Åsa. Located about 40 minutes outside Gothenburg. The school consisted of only Swedish kids. Everyone would be the same, that was important.

But I lived in a bubble where sometimes I was a star, sometimes I fought villains. My imagination was as wild as ever.

Soon my performance in Talang would be broadcast on TV. My debut in front of the big audience. I proudly went up to the principal to ask for help with the marketing.

“Hello,” I said.

"Hello," she said, looking at me curiously.

"Well, on Friday I'll be in Talent on TV."

"Okay."

"Can't you say it over the speakers so the whole school can hear it?"

I was the only guy who did gay things like singing and dancing and thought it would be cool to get a shoutout from the principal. So fat.

"Absolutely," she said.

"Yes!"

"But then I think you should say it into the microphone yourself."

"Huh!"

Never in my entire life that I should stand there and everyone should hear me when I say I should be on TV.

I was constantly teased for the way I looked and for what I did, and I got comments all the time and some called me the n-word. Sorry but how sick is that? To use that word against any human being at all

Besides that, I'm not even black, but brown. I am Hispanic. But I guess I was the brownest thing they had seen in Åsa.

Interesting how children of that age have learned such words.

Guess it comes from home. Big side eye…

Anyway. The headmaster stood his ground.

"You're welcome to tell the school you're going to be on TV, but I won't."

"Well...I'll think about it"

I left there. Thought of everyone who would hear. The nines would hear my voice. The nines! So I was in the fourth grade and we were probably 200 students at that school.

I decided to screw it up, but then I regretted it.

I was still annoyed.

It couldn't get worse, rather only better because everyone knew they could see me on TV soon.

And because I got a shoutout from the principal.

I got up again later that day and said I was done thinking.

“I do it myself.”

"Good," said the headmaster.

"Then you press this button, then the microphone turns on and when I say NOW, then you can start talking."

I pressed the button and heard ding ding. Felt like it could be heard in all the classrooms, the dining hall, the gymnasium, the whole world would now stop what they were doing to listen to me. Felt my pulse increase. I kind of had heart palpitations.

"Now," said the headmaster.

“Hello, this is Omar. I'm in Talang on Friday. Everyone can turn on TV4 and watch it. Bye."

The principal smiled at me and looked happy.

"Thanks," I said and ran as fast as I could to my class. I was filled with adrenaline. I was so happy. Felt so cool.

When I enter the classroom, everyone looks at me.

“Did you hear?”

Everyone was so happy and thought it was so cool.

No one had ever been allowed to speak into the principal's microphone. This was big.

I had made it through, or maybe I would make it through.

In any case, it shouldn't get any worse now.

I hoped so anyway.

MUSIC: Happier – Omar Rudberg

The reactions in the school after Talang were great at first.

A short while.

But… it was quickly forgotten.

Left were the maids.

But I kept doing my thing, even though no one understood what I was doing.

I had to start going to a singing teacher, Marie Jakobsson. I developed quickly. With her I got to sing in a studio for the first time ever. With reverb and headphones. It was a sick feeling.

From her I learned that there was a man named Lasse who had talent contests.

There, at Lasse's competitions, they had discovered, among others, Eric Saade and Molly Sandén.

That's what I've been told anyway.

I was a big fan of Eric and knew all his songs.

I entered, and won, in the same year, all three of their biggest competitions.

It was big.

It went well now.

For a boy of 12 years.

One day our home phone rang and mom forced me to answer.

I hated answering the home phone.

I got so mad when I had to answer. I thought it was a disturbance.

Well, at least I got to answer this time too.

Mom stood and grinned.

Thomas too.

There was something strange in the air.

And then something completely insane happens.

"Hello."

“Well Omar! How's it going? It's Eric Saade calling.”

I'm going to be a Duracell bunny. Jumping around the whole house like an idiot. Jagr completely in shock. I turn questioningly towards mother, who is filming with a mobile phone, it is shaking because she is laughing so much. Looking at Thomas who is also about to fall over with laughter.

To Eric, who called, I don't say much. Maybe just: "hey...hey".

“I wonder if you want to perform with me. There is a gala on television called Kristallen.”

I probably didn't get many words out on the phone, but...

Then we stood there a while later. Dressed exactly the same, we performed together at the Crystal Gala in 2011.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me!

When I got back to school, everyone knew what had happened. It felt like it was the talk of the year.

People turned, stared, there was talk.

Everything was different. But not exactly better.

A guy who always argued with me came up and said:

“Have you been with that Eric. You know he's peddo right? Everyone says that.”

"You understand that he is a peddo and a gay. You are too, aren't you? Fucking gays.”

No, I didn't immediately become a poppie. The equation was very simple: The bigger the appearance, the scarier the school.

I came home crying a lot of times, and it got to the point where I wanted to stop singing. But it was too late now. I had gone outside the mold, pushed boundaries. There was absolutely no turning back, no way I could get them to accept me as one of them.

Mom supported me.

"Do you like to sing Omar?"

"But I don't want any more..."

“But do you LIKE to sing? Do you love to perform?”

“Yes… but…”

"Then we will continue to do what we love together!"

And the cow was right. Why would I give up what I loved, to fit in with those I really didn't love? And we had fought hard to get here, mother and I.

But everyday life was a pain. There were many that I was afraid of. Both boys and girls. Even got a smack here and there. In the end, I hated my school.

I started seventh grade and finally had to change schools, to a bigger school in Kungsbacka. And now I could start seventh grade as who I was, an artist, or at least a guy who liked to dance and sing.

But I still find it strange that I have to change schools, just because I wanted to be something. Isn't that why you go to school?

MUSIC: Diamonds - Rihanna

New school and new classmates. It started well. I got a reboot. No one would push me down. The only thing that was similar to my old school was all the looks, but the looks were different, more curious now. It felt like they knew who I was, though I didn't understand how.

Guess it was because of Talent and the Crystal, but I don't know.

I ended up in a music and art class where everyone had the same interests as me. Loved all my new friends and loved our music lessons.

Mom had filmed all my performances and put it all on Youtube. Thanks to her I was discovered.

A newly started record company from Stockholm contacted my parents. They wanted to start a boy band.

Cool. But unexpectedly.

I never thought I'd be in a boy band. I was always solo.

But a boy band was interesting, and I had already won all the competitions, so why not try?

I didn't say anything to anyone. I wanted to keep this to myself. I was tired of beautiful dreams at school being shot down by taunts and comments. Without telling anyone at school, I went to Stockholm. There I meet the other boys who will also be in the boy band. I was wearing some ugly sweater, purple cap, purple shoes. The boys must have thought I looked funny. They were Stockholm boys, blonde and tall. Fat sweet.

I was terrified. Hadn't really had such good experiences with guys in groups right away.

But I noticed pretty quickly that they were kind. There was something different about them. I thought they were cool. We got to dance together, and hang out all day. They were professional dancers so I struggled a bit but I learned quickly. Then I had to sing Justin Bieber's song "As Long as You Love Me" in a studio because the record company wanted to see if I could sing. It went well. But at school, no one knew what I was doing. Even when I was accepted and became a member of the boy band The Fooo, I didn't tell anyone.

MUSIC: Build a Girl – The Fooo

At school, there is talk of Justin Bieber coming to Sweden. It's his "Believe tour". He will have three fat gigs at the Avicii Arena. People are crazy tagged. Like all the girls at school are going to Stockholm to see Justin. I'm the one who was tagged the most. Secretly.

Concert week is here. Everyone is going to Stockholm. But I have to leave earlier. We're going to scratch and I've taken the day off from school.

"I'm leaving now, see you!", I say to my classmates.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the Justin Bieber concert?"

"Now?"

"Yes, I'll scratch with my band."

“What the hell are you talking about?”

"I'm Justin Bieber's band, we're going to be on stage."

People really thought I was joking. I understand them, I didn't believe it myself.

I can't put into words how sick this time was. It was unreasonable. This kind of thing doesn't happen?

We became the band The Fooo and were now to perform for the first time together as Justin Bieber's band. In Avicii Arena. Three nights in a row.

Nobody knew who we were, nobody knew we existed. No one had heard us, not even ourselves. Although we had scratched hard the days before on our dance and on our song

The fans scream, the whole arena shakes and the curtain on the stage opens.

I'm checking on the boys.

We all smile. Now it's happening.

And we drive. So we meat, all of us.

It will be chaos.

Thanks to the three nights at Avici Arena, we become the new big thing.

The Fooo shows up, and there's chaos and screaming and hysteria.

MUSIC: All Around the World - Justin Bieber

The Fooo was just over five years of tumult.

In 2017 we did our last tour together and then the story ended.

But, what a fairy tale.

We became stars from day one.

After a year as a group we had our first own tour. After two years we sold out the Avicii Arena. We won a Grammy, we won MTV awards, toured throughout the Nordics and the USA.

It was the best I knew. I had so much fun.

We ended up in a hurricane.

It started when I was 14. I was just a kid. It was for fun, it wasn't work, not at first anyway. But then it became more and more serious. Often I could stop taking responsibility.

I got grumpy and grumpy when we scratched for hours and I was hungry.

“You have to be professional, Omar.”

No, I screwed up.

“I don't have to do anything. I am completely exhausted in my body, and I want to eat mother's food, I just want to go home.”

I went to school on weekdays and traveled to Stockholm every Friday and home late on Sunday. Every week, over, over and over.

I traveled by myself. The first few times it was scary. Didn't know anything about Stockholm and was afraid of missing the trains. I had no accommodation. In the beginning I had to live with strangers. I don't know how mum managed to get accommodation, it was probably a friend of a friend. Sometimes I felt really bad and I was scared at night because I didn't know the people I slept with.

But I'm still grateful that they let me sleep over there. Never went back to the same places though, so it was always new. Mom could never relax in the beginning either. But then after a while I had to live with the boys. One weekend at Felix's, another at Oscar's and then at Ogge's. It was much safer. I could finally breathe.

One person you only heard about at the new record company was Ola Håkansson. You never got to meet him. Who is this Ola Håkansson? You only heard his name and we boys saw in front of us a mafia king sitting in some office with a lot of cash on the table and sunglasses.

But at a parents' meeting with the other people responsible for the band, Ola joined for the first time. There he found out, via my mother who was very upset, that I had nowhere to live. That I often lived with strangers. Then and there everything changed.

I became a small part of Håkansson's family. I got to live at Ola's, Anna's and their children's house. People with big hearts. It was such a great time. So many great moments. So many discussions at the dinner table and so much bickering you got to witness. (Omar laughs.)

I remember when I accidentally threw Anna's specially made zucchini pasta in the food waste grinder just before dinner. I thought it was rubbish. (Omar laughs.) Five minutes later she asked, "Have you seen my zucchini pasta...it was just here?"

The panic that hit me, fuck my liiife.

And of course I had to admit what I had done. She just sighed and looked very tired. She must have really wanted that zucchini pasta, damn it!

I lived with them for four years. Mom and I will be forever grateful. They are our family, and will be forever.

And I had my friends in the band. We were all children, who eventually became boys, together. Maybe not adults, but we matured, a little.

Fooo started when I was 14 and stopped right when I came of age. It became my youth.

When the band shut down, I was suddenly alone with all the decisions.

I knew exactly what to do. I wanted to sing in English and Spanish.

But then I realized that nobody listens to Latin American music here.

It was a difficult time.

I was lost. I was unemployed and making music that no one listened to.

No, after Fooo, it didn't turn out the way I imagined the first year.

Not second or third either.

I really wanted to take over the world.

But the world wasn't that interested.

Or, rather, the universe had other plans for me.

MUSIC: Oh Susie - Secret Service

So… winter is coming. You know that cold winter of 2019, I didn't get the role in "The Bay of Happiness", my music career was dead and my friend broke up with me as a friend.

"Show life your face," said mother.

I tried. After my outburst on the phone, I went into town and had a chill day with my friends.

And winter became spring, and spring became summer.

I enrolled in a high school, it didn't feel like a privilege, more like a punishment. But what could I do, there was nothing else for me. Didn't want to start working in a cafe, I was afraid of being seen as a failed artist.

It's a real shame, because I would have easily wanted to work in a café instead of studying high school.

Ending with me moving in with another friend, Raul, in Hammarby Sjöstad. In the world's smallest apartment that we shared for three months, we hung out together with my best friend Joel. It was furnished and there was both a TV and a comfortable sofa.

Time sped up, I was dragged along.

And it sounds weird, trigger warning, but my best summer ever rolled around. The world was closed, there was a pandemic and restrictions. But I hung out with all my friends, there were maybe ten of us. We saw each other every day that summer. We really only had time and each other.

In June, my friend Felicia, who was also one of the gang and who had previously tipped me off about "Lyckoviken", told me that she was applying for a new Swedish TV series.

"Damn, what's that?"

"It's a new youth series for Netflix."

"Whoah?! What is it about?"

"I'm not really allowed to say, but it's about a Swedish prince who starts at a boarding school and sort of meets a guy and they fall in love. Ah, it's like a gay love story.”

“How do I get in there? I will have the role of a prince.”

MUSIC: Simon's Song (from Young Royals) – Omar Rudberg

In August, the same sweet summer, I am in Åsa to visit my mother. Sitting on the beach watching the dance class she leads.

I am calm and enjoying the afternoon sun. The program is going badly, I have to admit. Of the two tasks we have received, I am behind with...two. The teacher's tone begins to sharpen.

I also don't have a job or other concrete plans worth leaning a future towards.

I've been to maybe ten casting meetings, costume tests, callbacks and filmed a whole day with the film crew and Edvin for the TV series Young Royals. Been thinking about this series 24/7 for over a month. Came every time they called me, put up with everything they want, gave everything I have. For me, this was life and death. I had managed to become friends with Edvin, who was to play the prince. I understood that the first time I saw him, that it would be him. He is young and extremely experienced. But I could be the secret love. We have test filmed at Hillerska. Picked flowers and held each other's hair.

But why don't they say anything? Why am I not getting a notification?

I lay down on the beach and look up at the afternoon sun. Hear how mom starts rounding off with calm music and stretching movements with her students. She thanks them for today. She looks at me and smiles.

Then my phone rings.

"Hey Omar, how's the situation, is it good or not?", says the familiar voice from the production.

"Yes that is good. Is it now happening or, have I received it or not?”

"You, don't tell anyone I said this, but, you've been offered the role of Simon."

A few weeks earlier I would have screamed myself to death with joy, but not now. This is how it was meant to be.

"I know," I just say.

We end the conversation and I laugh. As much of relief as of joy. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I had landed my first role as an actor. My mother waves off her last students. She comes walking across the beach. We will bathe. She looks at me and notices that I'm happy. She knows what I'm going to say. She knew I would get that call today.

"I got the role of mother."

"Le mostraste tu cara a la vida mi hijo."

"You showed life your face my son."

Yes mom, I did.