#i got such psychic damage from that message I knew it's the kind of thing you can only find in Tumblr

[soratsuart]

My friend and I talking about FMAB and Kingdom Hearts:

Me: Ira and Wrath, Aced and Sloth, Invi and Envy, Ava and Greed, Gula and Gluttony, Luxu and Lust.... The Master of Masters and Pride?

F: Wouldn't he be Father, though?

Me: I mean, we don't know the real name of the Master of Masters, but since he doesn't have any more apprentices, it's likely he's named after the Latin for pride

Me:

Me: But funnily enough, he's often called MoM to shorten in within the fandom

My friend immediately after I say that:

[mellointheory]

The Eggpire, and why they are the coolest villain group in the SMP

The Eggpire is personally one of my favorite groups of people on the entire smp. The Eggpire I’m currently referring to consists of Ponk, Bad, Antfrost, Punz, and Skeppy. They’re the ones who are clearly working for the Crimson, and are generally percieved by others in the SMP as corrupted. 

Part of why I love them so much is their clear alignment. They are perhaps the most obvious ‘villains’ in the current season. There’s no moral greyness with them, only the tragedy of the consumed as they serve their master. They’re predictable, and you can tell others view them as a threat. Don’t break the vines, don’t disrespect the egg, avoid them at all cost.

The Eggpire is also currently winning in the “group” part of “group dynamic”. There are other alliances on the SMP, but it has been a while since one solid group of people were working together to defend or protect something. Even in the Doomsday War the defenders of L’Manburg were conflicted--Niki burned the tree herself, Eret was working with people who he had betrayed once before, Punz was an active spy. The Eggpire has a solid foundation of people working together, and their internal workings are interesting. Every member has their own specific role.

Badboyhalo, the Corrupter

Bad, despite what he says about there being no hierarchy within the Eggpire, calls all the shots. He is the largest threat and the start of the Crimson’s spread. He found the Egg, brought others to it, protected it when the vines first began to surface. He takes the most active role in the corruption of others and trying to further the Eggpire’s goals. He’s one of the main three fighters in the Eggpire, and the other two tend to follow his lead and let him speak.

Bad being a demonic creature himself adds an extra layer of awesome to his character. While he was uncorrupted his soul jar (Skeppy) was taken by the Egg, and the...bathwater stream happened. That was a hot mess, HOWEVER, afterwards it actually became kind of cool. Bad saying that “no matter what he could do, he couldn’t fix Skeppy”, implies that his character is in fact capable of magic and was trying, over and over, to return his best friend to who he was originally and kept messing up. Only after his actions failed did he willingly corrupt himself and become the main villain of the Egg arc.

Antfrost, the Caretaker

Antfrost...I absolutely adore corrupted!Antfrost. He was the first person, after Bad, to become attached to the Egg. He was ruthless before he was turned--he even suggested killing Skeppy in order to remove the corruption from him. Now he’s actively serving an eldrich abomination. He follows Bad around silently and writes messages to people in languages they can’t understand. He’s a “professional hunter” (that scene gave me chills) and Bad’s righthand man.

Before the Crimson Antfrost ran an animal sanctuary. He’s still keeping an eye on the animals, but now most of his attention seems to have transferred to the Egg. He seems to have the most active affection for the egg, making sure to feed it and even kissing it once. The aesthetic of a chaotic evil catboy in a nice suit who has no moral compass but does have an undeniable fondness for the Bloodvines growing everywhere is just... *chefs kiss*

Punz, the Guard

Punz, as a character is very well done. He’s been one of the most chill on the server for a while, only actively involving himself in conflicts when A) one of his pets has died, or B) Dream told him to. He’s loyal; once he has a directive he will accomplish it. Dream himself knew if he hired Punz to guard L’Manburg, Punz would guard L’Manburg and kill anyone who left the walls for as long as Dream wanted him to.

Now Punz is guarding the Egg itself. He isn’t as actively threatening as Bad and Ant--he was able to have a completely normal conversation with Tommy, for example, while Tommy is actively terrified of Bad and Ant. Punz is only a danger when he’s called to be, otherwise he’s just a chill guy who doesn’t seem concerned that he has red eyes, or that the thing he’s working for is actively spreading across the entire server.

Ponk, the Voice

Ponk spent a lot of time around the Egg. He even planted a seed in his own casino, named it, and yet managed to turn it into something else. He was left on top of it for days, and came out completely unscathed. He originally began working with the Eggpire purely for pain au’ chocolate and bought contacts from Amazon in order to blend in with them. He doesn’t give a shit.

Correction: he didn’t give a shit until his boyfriend cheated on him. Ponk got corrupted purely out of spite and facilitated the beginning of a war between the Egg and the server’s local builder god. He’s a semi-psychic amputee and the caretaker of a graveyard. He has the most unique interaction with the Egg.

Skeppy, the Heart

Skeppy is Badboyhalo’s living soul jar and probably the most wholly corrupted in the entire server. He spent an entire day inside the Egg and came out with no desires except for it. We’ve seen him the least out of every Eggpire member, but he’s had the most effect on the plot. He’s the Crimson’s leverage over Badboyhalo. If being logged out means a character is canonically asleep, then Skeppy has been sleeping for months. Practically in a coma, until the Egg needs him.

cc!Skeppy says that they have more planned for his character, so I’m very much looking forward to seeing what will happen when the Egg decides it needs him. He was probably the weakest Eggpire member, but who knows what he’s capable of now?

The Crimson Itself:

The Crimson is a problem you can’t get rid of. The bloodvines spread without anyone being near them; they grow back as soon as they’ve been cut. Just hurting the Egg can kill you, although they retconned Sam’s death due to Crimson damage. To quote Badboyhalo: “If you break the Egg, it bites you back.”

The absolute coolest thing about the entire Egg arc, in my opinion, is how hard it is to keep an eye on the big picture. We as viewers get wrapped up in what’s happening right now. Hannah was trapped in the Egg, now she’s escaped. There were vines in Sam’s base, now they were broken. The Eggpire attacked Foolish’s base, then he scared them away. Then you pull back and remember, it is just a an egg. We have no idea what its plans are, or what it’s capable of. Someday comes the Red Banquet, and that’s when the real storm breaks.

[ddarker-dreams]

Your Johan fic oh my god...Im so happy I got to live the day to witness you actually writing it. My week is made fr. The way you wrote the monologue is one thing but the actions after is a whole different thing. Not only where you able to completely craft the dialogue between Johan and reader but also the impact those words do. they're terrifying strong and you managed to pitray it perfectly. Actually while reading what he said to reader it made me feel similar and very sad to the point I started tearing up mid way through the story 😭 but I genuinely think reader response is so beautiful, it's something that I relate to and you managed to convert such a crisis and long term pain with it's conflict into one fanfic that is just beautiful beautiful beautiful work. I honestly don't know how you do it. I have been following you for maybe 3 or more years and the way your writing has drastically improved makes me feel so proud even tho I am beginning to get scared on how well you depict these kind of characters lol. You have changed and became something so much bigger in such a short span of time it's beautiful. I am so proud of you and this recent fanfic reminded me of it honestly. this genuinely is one of my favourite stories now I'll have to mark it down and add it to my list and I hope one day you'll realise some books that I can add more to

i think i need to like ,, lay down because WOW what a message. my heart is genuinely touched by this and i’m struggling to figure out how to put that into words (any ability to write just flew out of my body). writing this story was surprisingly therapeutic for the reasons that you mentioned. i knew that to write an effective johan story, there’d need to be some of him verbally digging into the reader. i decided to pick a topic i’m extremely sensitive about to be able to capture that psychic damage he’s capable of inflicting (aka why i made this post). i was worried whether or not the warning “manipulation” could fully cover everything, because if you can even slightly relate to the way johan was coming for reader, it’d be ouch ouch. but i was hoping reader’s response would somewhat mitigate that. 

carl jung’s discussion about the shadow is what i was mostly basing johan off of in the story, specifically the discussion of it in this quote: 

"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.” 

i think it’s imperative to come to terms with the more unsightly aspects of yourself, since without acknowledging them, they remain permanent blind spots. i was plagued pretty intensely with social anxiety disorder (along with GAD) in my teenage years, and something that came from that was like. this visceral want to be needed by others. the equation in my mind was people need me = i’m not annoying and it’s justifiable for me to be around. 

it took some later reflection to realize my obsession with self-martyrdom to solidify my place with others is Not in fact good, but at the same time, an urge i shouldn’t beat myself up over. of course we long to be wanted! who doesn’t? so long as we can check our motivations and keep this part of ourselves in line as much as possible, i don’t think it’s an ugly thing. i hope that anyone who struggles/has struggled with something similar can read the story and come to a similar conclusion. 

man maybe i’m gonna cry now 😭😭 thank you for supporting me over three years, that’s actually insane to think about?? it really has been that long hasn’t it... my understanding of evil has definitely improved from writing all these dark stories, i wonder if that’ll ever come in handy . mayhaps mayhaps. probably not. sometimes we need useless skills. i’ll keep working to improve my writing, i feel like the biggest help has been how often i do it and the fact i’m actually reading published books now JKGEMR i don’t know why i avoided doing it for so long. i’ve been so pretentious in thinking they had nothing to offer me omg. 

ANYWAY i am beyond grateful that you sent this in, thank you so so so so much!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[riversofmars]

Thank you so much for your lovely comments and encouragement. I honestly didn't expect such a huge response to an opening chapter so I'm absolutely thrilled to have you all along for the ride <3

Chapter 2: The World’s Turned Upside Down

The Library, 52nd Century

River closed the door to the kids bedroom - alone for the first time since the Doctor had saved her to the Library core - and she finally allowed her composure to slip. She pressed her hand to her mouth and swallowed a sob, afraid the kids might hear. She had been proud of herself for staying strong all the way through her final adventure. The moment the young Doctor had turned up  instead of the one her message had been meant to reach, she had realised things would not go according to plan. For the Doctor, it had been the first time they had met. He hadn’t known her yet so she couldn’t tell him why she was really at the Library as she had intended. She also hadn’t been able to take comfort in seeing him though she had so badly needed to. Looking at the Doctor and having him not recognise her was a most cruel trick of fate after everything she’d been through.

At the time, threatened by the deadly shadows of the Vashta Nerada, she had kept her focus on the task at hand: carry out the mission, get access to the Library, get her answers once everything was wrapped up. She had decided she could always fill her Doctor in later; but she hadn’t anticipated this might be a one way trip. When it got to it, when things had fallen into place and she had finally understood how her life had always lead up to this, it had been far too late. Things had been beyond her control. She had to sacrifice her future to ensure her past. The truth of it was only sinking in now that she had space and time to think about it.

River cradled her diary to her chest as she made her way down the corridor to the living room. She dropped onto the sofa and buried her face in her hands as she started to cry; for herself, for her future, for her family. Suddenly, the Doctor’s sorrow at her leaving Darillium made so much more sense. He had known that she wouldn’t return but he hadn’t been able to tell her. Rationally, she knew he couldn’t have told her about her fate, but her sadness gave way to anger regardless. If she had known, she would have made different choices. It wasn’t her own fate she was angry about. As for as dying went, this wasn’t so bad: she was safe, immortal even. Though she was trapped, it beat dying properly. Had she known what was to come, she would not have kept secrets from her husband the way she had.

River trusted Vastra, Jenny and Strax to keep her son safe, and eventually, surely, they would contact the Doctor when they realised she wouldn’t return. He would be angry with her for keeping her secret and rightfully so. But eventually, hopefully, he would forgive her and raise their son. They would be together: Her family. River, however, would never be able to hold her child again. The realisation overwhelmed her and she struggled to breath, her sobs catching in her throat.

Alone with her own thoughts, River allowed herself a moment of weakness; she was dead after all. She could rest from being the strong, self-assured woman she had had to be all her life.

River couldn’t be sure how long it had been when she ran out of tears to cry. She just sat for a while, staring into space that she knew was nothing but strings of numbers. She had been saved to the greatest hard drive in history, everything around her was pure data and so was she.

A realisation came to her like a flash of lightning and she jumped to her feet: She was where she had meant to end up. Quickly, River made her way to the bookshelf on the other side of the room. She was in the biggest Library in the universe with all its knowledge at her disposal. Just because she was dead didn’t mean the forces threatening her husband and child had disappeared.

A new kind of determination gripped her and she pulled book after book from a shelf, that responded to her thoughts of what she was looking for. This was just another stop. Her Doctor was out there still and sooner or later, he would need her help and come looking for her. She wasn’t going to be empty handed when he arrived.

——

London, Late 19th Century

“Jenny!��� Vastra rushed to her wife’s side while the Doctor remained rooted to the spot, trying to work out what was going on.

“Doctor?“ Yaz asked, awaiting some sort of instruction or at least a reaction from her but she didn’t get one. So she hurried to the other unconscious figure. She didn’t recognise what species he was but he seemed to be breathing. They had probably been stunned, Yaz concluded, as there was no blood or other marks of force on their bodies. She took pride in her constantly improving observational skills. This was far better police training than her probationary work ever had been. She looked up to the Doctor who was still staring at the cot, holding on to a stitched piece of cloth. “Are you okay?“ Yaz asked, unsettled by the distinct lack of reaction on her friend’s part.

“Vastra, what is going on here?“ The Doctor’s voice was hollow when she finally spoke. All manner of thoughts were running through her mind but the most obvious explanation couldn’t possibly be true. She tightened her grip around the prayer leaf.

“Doctor, I will explain but first…“ Vastra had pulled Jenny up against herself and pressed a kiss to her forehead, as she tried to gently shake her awake.

“No, explain NOW!“ The Doctor yelled, losing her temper for one terrifying moment that made Vastra and Yaz jump.

“Doctor, let’s look after these people first.“ Yaz stood quickly and placed her hand on her friend’s shoulder, bewildered at the uncharacteristic outburst. The flash of fear across the lizard woman’s face shook her. It was an unwelcome reminder that the Doctor had changed in the nineteen years of prison. Something was weighing her down. They had seen flashes of it in their fight against the Daleks but there had been no opportunity to address it at the time. Now, it became painfully obvious that something was wrong with her. A deep anger had taken root and was bubbling to the surface.

“This doesn’t concern you, Yaz.“ The Doctor bit back and shrugged her hand away. She used her sonic to scan the cot for clues before turning back to Vastra. “Who’s baby was sleeping in that cot?“ She pressed through gritted teeth and Vastra couldn’t bring herself to speak, her throat closing up with sorrow. They had failed the Doctor and River.

“Vastra…“ Jenny mumbled, drawing her attention as she came round slowly. “Someone came… the baby, is the baby okay?“ She asked, her voice weak. Vastra couldn’t answer her wife, she just looked up to the Doctor.

“Doctor, we are so sorry…“ She croaked, her voice full of guilt.

“Doctor?“ Yaz watched and wasn’t following.

“So it worked, the emergency beacon…“ Jenny mumbled, still in a haze. She looked to the Doctor and recognised them from the age of her eyes and the sorrow she found there. A new face was of no consequence.

“You triggered it?“ The Doctor asked.

“Professor Song left it… But we expected you to be…“ Vastra tried to explain that she wasn’t the Doctor they had expected. She was so much older and it only made it harder. She couldn’t bare to think just how long ago Darillium was for the Doctor at this point.

“Where is she? Where is River? Who’s baby is it?“ The Doctor tried her best to keep her voice steady. She needed confirmation. It was so glaringly obvious but also too impossible to believe. How could River have kept this from her?

“Does it really need saying?“ Vastra voice broke and the so did the Doctor’s hearts.

The Doctor hurried down the stairs, she needed space. She couldn’t face the others and she couldn’t keep looking at the empty cot. She tightened her grip around the prayer leaf, her knuckles turning white. She took two steps at a time, running like the devil was on her heels. This was too big, too painful to face and so she ran - until the brittle stairs gave way under her heavy steps and she put her foot through them, crashing through the bottom half of the staircase.

“Oh my God, Doctor!“ Yaz hurried after her, careful not to cause any more damage. She reached under her arms and pulled her up. “Doctor, what’s going on?“ Yaz was at a complete loss, she had never seen the Doctor react like this, not even when they were dealing with the Master. There was genuinely panic and fear in her eyes. The Doctor pulled away from Yaz without a word.

“Doctor.“ Vastra appeared on the landing above and the Doctor’s eyes snapped up to her. “Please don’t run away from this.“ The detective pleaded.

“Don’t talk to me right now!“ The Doctor yelled with anger the likes of which Yaz had never seen. “You don’t get to talk to me right now!“ She struggled down the rest of the stairs without looking back.

“Doctor!“ Yaz called after her as she just carried on, darting to the front door.

“Give her a moment…“ Vastra realised there was no point in trying to stop her, she needed a moment to herself and that was the least they could give her. “In the meantime, would you mind helping me with the others?“

The Doctor slammed the doors of the TARDIS and received a scolding hum for her actions. She ignored it and dropped onto on of the steps in the console room. There she unfolded the prayer leaf again, holding it close as her vision blurred with tears. The TARDIS gave a concerned hum but the Doctor couldn’t speak to answer. She knew the TARDIS understood, their psychic link was stronger than words and the Doctor couldn’t bring herself to phrase everything she was feeling.

She thought back to the last time she had seen River. They had watched the sunrise on Darillium after twenty-four wonderful years there, and then, she had left. River hadn’t been able to keep her promise of return as the Doctor had already known at the time. The Doctor had waited regardless and had set the table for breakfast on the balcony on the off-chance River had managed to trick fate. It had been a long, lonely wait. Eventually the Doctor had busied themselves by fixing up a new body for Nardole when the loneliness was getting too much. For many sleep cycles they’d brought breakfast back to an empty room, setting it on the balcony again and again. The Doctor even did on the day they left Darillium for good and headed to New York to try and clear up the time distortions. It would have been a first step to visiting the Ponds for some comfort after losing their daughter for good, but it had never played out like that.

The Doctor took a deep breath as she considered what River had done after Darillium and before going to the Library. Was this it? Or where they in fact even earlier in her timeline and River had just never told her that the had had a child? Both options were far too painful to contemplate. She was already reeling from imprisonment, the destruction of Gallifrey and learning about the gaps in her past. How was she to cope with this? Her world had turned upside down, inside out, more time than she could count but this was different. How was she to do this without River to rely upon.

“Here we go.“ Yaz helped Strax sit up on a chair in the mostly untouched drawing room.

“I don’t require human assistance.“ The Sonatan protested but Vastra shushed him as she helped Jenny to the sofa.

“That’s quite enough of that Strax, we need to make sure you’re both uninjured.“ The lady of the house stated firmly. Jenny, however, was more concerned with her wife’s wellbeing.

“We’re fine. They only stunned us, but what about you?“ She asked as she reached out and touched her fingertips to Vastra’s cheek brushing off dried scales. Yaz watched the tender gestured as she learned more about the Doctor’s friends. “Your skin appears to be…“

Vastra straightened herself up and rubbed her face to find herself shedding more scales.

“It appears the blast of whatever that bomb was aged me…“ She observed, witnessing the sped up effects of her amphibian skin renewing itself. “Not to worry, dear, I still have a lot of life left in me, perhaps our life spans are more aligned now.“ She gave her a soft smile and her hand a squeeze.

“So you are the Doctor’s friends?“ Yaz spoke up at last as it seemed they had all recovered from the attack they had been subjected to.

“Old friends, yes. By the look of them, it has been a long time indeed…“ Vastra commented with an apologetic smile. They didn’t mean to keep the Doctor’s young friend in the dark but she had to see to Jenny and Strax first.

“So you knew her before she changed?“ Yaz concluded. She had met a few people from the Doctor’s past now, Jack, the Master… she was eager to learn how these three fit in.

“First a young man with floppy hair, then the old Scot…“ Jenny recalled and Vastra finished the sentence for her:

“Now a pretty blonde.“

“Oi!“ Jenny gave her wife’s arm a slap, feeling a lot more like herself now. The after-effects from the stun blast were wearing off.

“Pretty?“ Strax interjected confused. “He looks the same as ever.“ The three women paid no heed to him.

“So when you called for her, you expected her to be a younger self?“ Yaz concluded. Time travel was confusing but she was getting the hang of it.

“Indeed.“ Vastra nodded.

“So what happened here? Who attacked you?“ Yaz pressed on. A child had been abducted so surely, time was of the essence. “And what about the baby?“ She carried on as she looked into deeply unsettled faces. “Who’s is it?“  

“It’s mine.“ The Doctor’s voice made them all jump.

“Doctor, we’re so…“ Jenny attempted to get to her feet. She wanted to apologise, plead for forgiveness as they had failed her, but Vastra gently pushed her back to sit down.

“What?“ Yaz frowned, confused as she watched her friend walk into her room. She looked a lot calmer than she had when she had stormed out of the house but her was expression remained grim. Yaz noticed she was still carrying the green cloth. Judging by the way she ran her fingers along the stitching, it had to bear some meaning to her.

“That’s right, isn’t it, Madame Vastra. River entrusted our child to you.“ The Doctor concluded looking to Vastra accusingly.

“You have a child?“ Yaz was stunned. She looked around the room, into grim but knowing faces, and found that she was the odd one out.  

“I didn’t know, my wife never told me.“ The Doctor answered without looking to her young friend, she kept her focus on the Silurian, excepting an explanation. Yaz was only getting more confused. This was the first time she had heard the Doctor mention a wife. She had so many question but she realised now was not the right time to ask.

“She was pregnant when she left Darillium. She couldn’t return and had to have the child by herself. Then she entrusted him to us before going to the Library.“ Vastra kept her voice calms as she explained, keeping her answer brief.

“Why would she do that?“ The Doctor snapped. Just because she had already assumed as much didn’t mean she understood it.

“She was trying to keep you safe, keep all of you safe.“ Vastra carried on. She couldn’t presume to know the Professor’s mind but she knew what she had told her and what she had read in the notes she had left behind.

“It’s not really worked out that way, has it.“ The Doctor shot back, upset.

“Strax, how about some tea?“ Jenny looked to Strax, hoping to calm the situation before it could escalate again.

“I was quite enjoying being in the line of fire once again.“ The Sontaran retorted but Jenny’s expression left no room for discussion.

The interruption as they left for the kitchen was enough to calm the Doctor for the time being. She kept her eyes on Vastra, her expression making quite clear how disappointed she was in them for having gone along with this.

“Who was it?“ The Doctor said at last. “Who took my child?“ The words echoed through the silent room, their meaning so poignant it made all their hearts ache. So soon after finding out, the Doctor had already accepted that this was her child, her family, they were talking about. And in the same sentence, she had already lost them. It was too painful to contemplate.

“I honestly don’t know.“ Vastra broke the silence at last. “It all happened very quickly. I was going to answer a knock on the door as Jenny and Strax were upstairs looking after the little one. An explosion happened and then you woke me up. I’m afraid that’s all I remember.“ She explain sorrowfully, begging forgiveness in every syllable.

“A chronon mine… that’s Time Lord technology.“ The Doctor said after briefly considering her words.

“I thought you said all the Time Lords are dead?“ Yaz asked, remembering the Doctor’s account of what happened on Gallifrey after they had left.

“They are. The Master killed them all.“ The Doctor nodded in agreement.

“Perhaps not all of them… at least that was your wife’s theory.“ Vastra said slowly and went to the bureau in the corner to retrieve the file River had left. “She left us with this, accounts of what she did since leaving Darillium.“

——

Sheffield, early 21st Century

“Feels weird, doesn’t it.“ Ryan Sinclair observed walking past by the apartment block Yaz’s family lived in. The spot where the TARDIS had been a welcome sight stood empty. The Doctor and Yaz had left a few days ago and the reality of them being out on adventure by themselves had yet to fully sink in.  

“Feels right though.“ Graham O’Brien placed his hand on his grandson’s shoulder as they turned and continued down the street. They had had wonderful adventures but it was time for both of them to carry on with their lives. There were things at home that needed fixing too, not just out in the universe. The most recent misadventure with the Daleks had proven as much.

“Shall we just nip round to the Chippy for tea?“ Ryan suggest when they reached home and he pushed his bike into the garage. The time up in the mountains practicing was starting to pay off. He knew his nan would be proud of his progress and the pride he saw reflected in Graham’s eyes was confirmation of that.

“Sounds good, just let me grab some cash.“ Graham grinned unlocking the front door. “I think I have a twenty in my other jacket…“ He turned into the lounge and jumped with a very undignified yelp. A woman was sitting on his sofa and greeted him with a smile. “Ryan?!“ He called out and his grandson joined him quickly.

“What the…!“ Ryan stared at the woman in shock. She was tall, blonde and altogether far too relaxed for sitting in someone else’s lounge as they returned. “How’d you get in here?“

“Apologies for startling you, Mr. O’Brien, Mr. Sinclair… I hope you don’t mind that I let myself in.“ The woman got to her feet. A empty cup in front of her indicated that she had been waiting a while and hadn’t been shy about helping herself to refreshments.

“We do mind, actually! Who are you?“ Graham tried his best to sound authoritative. Talking a good talk was half the battle, or so they had gathered from how the Doctor approached trouble.

“Kate Lethbridge-Stewart, Chief Scientific Officer at UNIT.“ She extended her hand that neither of them took.

“UNIT?“ Ryan echoed with a frown.

“Rings a bell, doesn’t it.“ Graham sensed that they were both thinking the same thing.

“The Doctor might have mentioned us.“ Kate smiled and sat back down, gesturing for them to do the same. Graham and Ryan exchanged confused looks, not used to being told what to do in their own home. They were, however, relieved that the stranger didn’t seem to be here to kill them.

“You know the Doctor then?“ Graham’s relaxed a little as he sat in an armchair across from her.

“Yes that’s right, didn’t the Doctor try and contact you when we found that Dalek the first time round and you didn’t exist anymore, or something?“ The penny dropped for Ryan as well as he perched on the end of the sofa. He couldn’t quite keep the accusatory undertones out of his voice that he felt were justified. Only the UK would dismantle a useful agency in order to cut public spending. If the Kasavan hadn’t taught them a lesson, surely the Daleks would have now.  

“Yes. I’m afraid at the time, UNIT was not operational…“ Kate retorted pressing her lips to a thin line. Clearly the budget cuts were a sore subject for her as well.

“And where were you this time around, eh? Daleks all over the place, straight from the government, all them politicians involved in it, surely that’s the sort of thing you should have intervened in.“ Graham crossed his arms in front of his chest. They had done their very best researching the Daleks in the Doctor’s absence. If UNIT had been about, things surely would never have gotten as far as they did.

“I’m afraid we have had greater concerns to deal with.“ Kate revealed sounding regretful, yet matter-of-factly.

“Greater than an army of Daleks trying to conquer Earth?“ Ryan retorted with a huff and a laugh. He found that very hard to believe.

“With UNIT officially ceasing to exist, it has given us the opportunity to retreat into the shadows and work undetected. We couldn't risk revealing ourselves.“ She gave an apologetic smile. “You might not be aware of it yet but there are far greater forces at work on Earth right now than a rouge strain of Daleks.“

“Don’t like the sound of that…“ Ryan mumbled and Graham leaned forward in his chair:

“Have you spoken to the Doctor about this?“

“Not yet.“ Kate admitted. “Not until we know more. We can’t always rely on the Doctor, they have other things to concern themselves with. Rest assured we will reach out when the time is right. Until then… we are recruiting and Captain Harkness was kind enough to provide your address. Hence the house call.“

“Of course he did…“ Graham shook his head to himself at the mention of Jack Harkness.

“Recruiting for what?“ Ryan asked.

“Humanity’s last stand, should it come to it.“

[creacherkeeper]

How is the cowboi doing? :) I’d love to hear about some of their recent adventures.

OH WELL IT'S ME + ALSO MY DICE HATE(/love) ME SO YOU KNOW THEYRE GETTING WHUMPED CONSTANTLY LMAO

there have certainly been some Events Unfolding so those are under the cut, casey since youre in our campaign now NO PEEKING

fair warning this is .... long ..... you have asked me to talk about my dnd character and you simply CANNOT stop the floodwaters now. enter at your own risk

okay so basically the first arc of the campaign kind of kicked off with them getting a vision from their goddess (the grain goddess/goddess of agriculture) saying that she was trapped in a fey gate and that they needed to come rescue her

so erley immediately Rallied The Posse and set off to do that. they NUMEROUS times tried to pray to her, commune with her, basically just get ANY sort of communication or guidance from her, but the dice like to tell their story so i literally never got above an 11 (paladin with only +2 to religion my beloved) and they never heard from her, which was making them. pretty nervous. when it seemed like everyone else was able to talk to their gods just fine

well we eventually figured out that there was a huge gathering of fey in the woods (me: this might be too big for us to fight. what if its like 30 fey? / my dm, glancing at his notes where he has 2000 fey written down: (: ) and basically the fey like. had captured and were trying to kill what was left of the pantheon so they could bring back gaia as the One True God

we found all this out because it turned out several members of the party had been lying about how much they knew of the fey and had personal connections to the fey they'd kept hidden. and erley, who is ALSO HIDING A LOT from the party like. immediately went on the offense and was just generally very unhappy about this

there had been this fey merchant who kept popping up wherever we were trying to sell us magic weapons that seemed tied to us specifically. erley was always VERY suspicious of her and did everything in their power to stop the others from buying her weapons (which we literally had to buy with -5 to a skill point, not money, v sus) to mixed results. but basically when we got to the fey gathering (we called it gaiapalooza) erley rolled a 1 on their survival check to get through the magic field and like. got teleported to her. and they really wanted information from her so they basically were like LEORA I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST I THINK MY PARTY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME, CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM CAN YOU SEE US WHEN YOURE NOT THERE? and basically pretended to need a therapy session in order to milk her for information lmao. she also seemed like. REALLY interested in erley and i was also very nervous about that

and i was RIGHT to be suspicious of her because we found out she WAS ACTUALLY THE BIG BAD and we had to fight her in the arc finale. and several of our party members had rl stuff and were not there, and in game our druid was away casting an 8 hour long spell to try and stop the palooza ceremony, so our party was SUPER nerfed and also as soon as erley realized it WAS actually leora who was behind all of it and she WAS trying to hurt them with those weapons (the weapons were tethers to the gods to be able to kill them basically), they got .... a little angry

and my party found out after irl a year of playing these characters that erley's first level is barbarian :))

so erley raged and did frankly a staggering amount of damage in this fight, and also only stayed up because of rage because they took a LOT of hits. but also. they dont rage FOR A REASON so it sort of took them over and when leora dropped, one of the other pcs ran over to stabilize her as she was making death saves and erley :) maybe :) drove a spear through her heart and killed her :)

and her body immediately just like. overgrew with plants and vines and flowers and basically wrapped the spear in a bed of plants and it was very cinematic and cool

(we have since found out that leora was like. actually an aspect of gaia so. that is. interesting)

of course then erley popped out of rage and was like FUCK this is why i dont do this, i went too far, it always goes too far, THIS is why im ashamed of this, and just got very emo boi about it. so they used their last spell slot to cast restoration on the space they had fought in and reached out to their goddess, having just saved her and the rest of the pantheon like she had asked them to

and i rolled a nat 1!!!

(the dm was like "you have committed this violent act, you feel so low and so bad and in need of guidance, and reach out to your goddess. and the absolute lack of a response just makes you feel empty inside" and i was like :) oh :) okay cool :) you love to see that with your paladins huh)

at this point the druid came back in and, instead of erley like. examining any of their own shit immediately lashed out at her and was like "why did you lie to me about the fey, why did you lie about why you were here, why ARE you here because i realize now it wasnt to help me"

and at that point ONE OF THE FEY QUEENS WALKED IN and the druid was like "... mother ..." and we were all :O

so it turns out the fey queen is her birth mom but had like? kidnapped one of the children of her firbolg tribe and was holding her hostage and the druid was on a quest to find her and bring her back

so erley :) felt :) even more bad about that :) and very shamedly pledged their help to her, and basically was like "as long as youre on this noble quest i will follow you if you'll have me"

so we're on our second arc now, which is traveling across the country to go meet the fey queen and get this kid back. as we were traveling my dm had me roll religion and a luck check and i got a 21 ON RELIGION FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and a 6 luck. and he was like "you dont usually dream, but you have a nightmare. you know this nightmare was given to you, it was divinely inspired, but you dont know who sent it" and it was just erley killing leora over and over and over again. so they were like. well fuck

(my dm also messaged me privately and we talked and he was like. yeah you can get rid of your oath of devotion and change it to oath of the ancients, i am not telling you or erley why the subclass has changed and you also might get nerfed later. also level up barbarian for the next fight)

so erley was. feeling PRETTY DANG BAD and very guilty and stressed and all that. they did also realize their barbarian side was getting stronger which, considering their backstory is all tragic barbarian shit they were NOT happy about. i was fully prepared to have them be more ostracized from the party and go into full angst mode, but then the druid actually like. pulled them aside and explained why she had hidden information from them, and had a very sweet conversation with them and held their hand and it was VERY touching (she also had the baller line "you think your goddess can hear you and she's not answering. but maybe you're talking in a whisper and she needs to hear you scream")

we had another fight (we're level 7 and my dm told us after it was a cr 32 fight like. dude??? what the fuck?????) and once again erley didnt go down only because of rage

THEY ALSO UNINTENTIONALLY CAST MISTY STEP (which is an ancients spell they didnt have before) and were like WELL NO TIME TO UNPACK WHAT THAT WAS RIGHT NOW, HAVE TO NOT DIE

after the battle was over i asked to roll a check to figure out why i had access to that spell and got :) yeah you guessed it :) another nat 1 :) so erley has literally no idea how they cast that or what it could mean. we just had a new pc introduced who is a sorcerer so erley is definitely going to talk to her and see if she knows anything. because they are FULLY IN THE DARK about their subclass change or what that means in game

we're also (because of the fucking cr 32 fight) going to be leveling up again soon, and babey you KNOW im leveling barbarian. after rage kept me up and then rolling another nat 1 religion check, and also me the player not knowing whats up with their goddess/magic, i simply cant level paladin rn. so im BETWEEN A FEW SUBCLASS OPTIONS and ive been thinking them over but i think it really depends how the next few games go

my FULL ANGST option was to make them level into zealot barbarian like their awful dad, but i thought that made the least sense in universe rn

secondary angst option is to level into berserker, which i think fits pretty closely with how i've been roleplaying the rage so far. trading off an extra attack for a level of exhaustion fits pretty closely. also whump central

the NICE option is to have them be a totem warrior barbarian, and have both their paladin steed and their totem be a bull :) (they are a cowboi after all) i think thats the closest i can marry their two classes and potentially have some healthy growth for them, let them see that the rage doesnt HAVE to be a bad thing, that being a barbarian isnt something they HAVE to be ashamed of. reskinning the bear totem would give them resistance to all damage but psychic while raging, and im planning on taking the tough feat, so theyd pretty much be ... an unstoppable tank. plus i can still divine smite while in rage so theyd be VERY powerful

and now youre all caught up on my very special boi :))))) bet you didnt expect quite that much of an infodump but. listen. listen im simply obsessed with dnd i cannot help it. any chance to talk about my characters i WILL TAKE IN A HEARTBEAT (thank u for prompting my ramble lmao)

[whattaloser]

Why I’m a Leftist

I know I’m probably just some dude who reblogs cool stuff to most of my followers but I’ve got a nice long story/rant about my political beliefs here that I’ve been wanting to write for awhile

I am a leftist first and foremost because I value human life. Everyone matters. No person is inherently more important than another person. Everyone has inherent rights that should not be infringed. People who infringe on other’s rights are morally wrong to do so. In essence my leftism is based on doing what is right. Obviously everyone has their own opinion on what is right but what is vitally important is knowing why your moral code is right. This is why so many people become liberals or conservatives or otherwise rather than leftists. They simply do not know enough about how the world works. There are a lot of reasons they don’t know, not the least of which is intentional covering up history and preventing education. I don’t believe people who aren’t leftists are stupid, but I do believe leftists know more. It’s kinda fucked up but it’s the only way you can explain inconsistencies in other’s values.

My path to leftism was full of cringe. When i was 7 years old Al Gore was running against George Bush for president. I did not know enough to have a real opinion on it but I am happy to say that I wanted Al Gore to win. This thought was based on very little if any logical reason. I basically flipped a coin in my head I think. Or maybe there was some outside influence that I wasn’t aware of, like my older sister who I looked up to might have said she liked Al gore. Either way, from then on I was in favor of democrats and did not like George Bush. When 9/11 happened I remembered thinking how dumb it was that people lined up around the block to get gas. Even as a child I knew that some buildings going down wasn’t going to end the great nation of the United States. In general I thought the United States was a great country. I knew from movies and tv as well as elementary school history that the United States was the most powerful country in the world. 

I recall in Sixth grade my teacher mentioned she liked George Bush because he was against gay marriage. Somehow at the time my opinion was the opposite despite being raised Catholic. I believed in god until I graduated high school and suddenly my desire to be religious slipped away and so did my belief. I do not consider this a great loss. 

Sometime in middle school or early high school I had solidified my opinion that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan was pointless and George Bush was a bad president. I was heavily influenced by movies and somewhat by video games that had imparted plenty of anti-war messages. Talks with my dad about nuclear missiles, watching History channel shows about world war 2, and playing Metal Gear Solid which had explicit nuclear disarmament messages, all informed me on the horrors of war. This was not enough to make me totally anti-military. In high school I wanted to join the military because I thought it was an easy way to get life experience and eventually pay for college. I was attracted to the Marines because of how cool movies like The Rock and video games like Call of Duty made it seem to be a Marine. I thought they were the best of the best. I was simultaneously against war, against veteran worship, and very pro-military. I was indoctrinated by years of government propaganda but also disillusioned by all forms of media including the book All Quiet on the Western Front which was about a soldier becoming disillusioned by witnessing horrors of war and the negative impact it had on everyone in his country. I spoke with a recruiter during my senior year and expressed my desire to be a Marine but I told him I wanted to wait a year after high school so I could get physically fit enough. The recruiter did not care that I was underweight and out of shape. He didn’t even care that I was very enthusiastic about joining, he was still putting on his best salesman demeanor which made me incredibly uneasy. The experience is supposed to pressure people into signing up on the spot, I think they even had forms for me to sign (i can’t really remember though) but I was not ready and was aware enough how I was being manipulated although not entirely cognizant. After that I no longer wanted to be in the military.

I also have to point out that I grew up in an unstable household. My parents were both loving but they were flawed and made mistakes and had problems. My dad was a typical Gen x man’s man. A little bit too emotionally repressed, but actually really good with kids when it came to play time and still is. He worked a lot because my mother couldn’t. My mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as long as I can remember. Her medical bills related to her problems combined with other financially bad decisions by my parents caused my home life to be fraught. I lived in varying degrees of poverty until my parents separated and me and my siblings moved with my mother to her parents’ house away from my father. Prior to moving though, we endured great financial difficulty. We were unable to afford school lunches but could not apply for free or reduced lunches because technically my father made a lot of money, however it was all garnished for medical bills. My father always tells about how he bought a car that had hidden frame damage and when he attempted to sue the dealership for selling a bad car he lost and was garnished for that as well. Despite making over 25 dollars an hour in 1999, my father could not afford school lunches for three kids and couldn’t afford to pay the gas bill. Without going into too much more detail, life sucked and continued to suck until I graduated, at least financially. I still found plenty of joy and it wasn’t always that bad. We still found ways to have good things like video games and we could always rewatch old movies but there’s a lot of psychic weight that comes with being that poor as a child and I’m sure it affects me and my ability to empathize with others who in bad conditions. 

So i watched a lot of movies and documentaries, read a lot of books growing up, discovered internet forums at the age of 11, played video games, moved to a town that had a very large Hispanic population, and I even grew up poor. All of this life experience turned me into a very average liberal upon graduating high school. I was a very optimistic 18 year old. I thought science could save the world. If I was 18 today I would be an average redditor stereotype probably. The point here though is I still wasn’t a leftist. Only vaguely progressive and full of optimism. This is when I got sucked into the anti-feminist pipeline.

I can’t remember what exactly what I had going on in my life but I remember it was around the time of Gamergate. Everyone on the internet, celebrities, and pop culture were saying “if you believe in equality between genders you’re a feminist” an did not like that. And there was a ton of people online to tell me I was right in not liking that. They all said feminism was not necessary anymore because legally you couldn’t discriminate against women and I agreed. Gamergate made it worse for reasons too complicated to get into in this already long post but suffice it say I was “pro Gamergate.” This put me at odds with my closes friends who thought feminism was great and had no qualms with it, and were already embracing the idea of being a “social justice warrior.” Despite reading all kinds of anti-feminist think pieces and reveling in the discourse, I was still very progressive and liberal minded person. Still thought the military was bad, that black people were discriminated against etc. But so many aspects of anti-feminism were appealing to me as a white guy who tried their hardest to do what they’re told is right, had low self esteem, undiagnosed adhd and depression, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what feminism was. Two things got me out of anti-feminism though. The first and most important thing was having friends who were patient with me about it. I didn’t reveal how into anti-feminism I was because I was ashamed but they could sense it and pushed back when they could. The second thing that got me out of it was actually finding feminists online and reading what they had to say, staying away from poorly written clickbait articles that fueled misogynist tirades against feminism. After reading and learning from feminists it finally clicked. Our society is patriarchal and that affects how people interact with each other regardless of what is legal. Many of the complaints of anti-feminism talk about how men have it in society, so how can society be patriarchal. It’s because of patriarchy that men are put in bad positions. Some of the more self aware anti-feminists had retorts against these ideas but they were emotionally charged. There’s still some anti-feminists I have respect for because of how well prepared and logical they were when it came to disputing feminism. But when it came down to the fundamental tenants of feminsim all they could respond with was anger or outright denial of reality. (If you’re like I was and don’t understand how anyone can thing modern feminism is good please feel free to ask me more, I just can’t get into specifics in this long ass post) Anyways, once you understand patriarchy and how it affects an individuals actions then you can start seeing how other institutions and cultural norms can affect an individual. This is basically fundamentals of leftism. I’d say about 90% of my path to leftism was just naturally absorbing cultural and historical information through consumption of media. The most conservative people I know are people who haven’t read very many books or seen very many movies. I’m not saying watching Austin Powers at the age of 10 will make everyone a leftist but constantly recontextualizing the world by learning something new, even if you learned it from some dumb comedy movie, can give you better grounding in a shared reality.  Don’t know how to end this but I want to say when I was a teenager I thought “communism is good in theory but it doesn’t work in practice” and I had almost no historical basis for it other than the vague notion that USSR = bad despite having consumed a massive amount of media. None of it taught me what communism actually was, I didn’t know who Karl Marx was, and I had no clue why communism in the USSR failed. You can know a lot without knowing the truth so if you’re struggling with a loved one who is mind poisoned by conservative keep in mind that they know a lot but they’re missing something important to give clarity. 

This has been my Ted Talk

[askroahmmythril]

Reference List for amiibo Fighter Names (Set 2)

13) Ganondorf : Going Alone - A reference to the start of the original Legend of Zelda, the good ol’ “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THIS!”  And the fact that, up to Smash 4, Ganondorf did not use his sword, despite clearly having one in his victory poses from Melee.  Many jokes were of course made about this, this is one of them.  Granted, now that he HAS his sword in Ultimate, this one’s a bit outdated, so might have to see if this one needs a revamp.  I’d still be using the Smash 4 visual style though since alas, we didn’t get an updated amiibo figure for him of his OoT style.

14) Greninja : Kerobusa - A play on kero, Japanese for the sound a frog makes, and Hayabusa, the last name of Ryu Hayabusa, star of the Ninja Gaiden series.  I wanted to parody the cutscene from the original Ninja Gaiden where Ryu is standing on a cliffside, overlooking the tower of the big bad, Jacquio.  Given Greninja was introduced in the Kalos games, I subbed in Lumiose City and its prominent central tower for the scenery.  The writing on the nameplate is from the title screen of the original Ninja Gaiden.

15) Ice Climbers : ParkaPower - Not really any sort of major reference here, I mostly stuck to the source game for this one, and just referenced that they wear parkas.  Because dangit, their parkas are adorable.  A notable difference between my version and Neo’s, he used the seal version of the normal enemy from Ice Climber, whereas I used the Topi as it’s what I was more used to.

16) Ike : SluggaBeef - This name actually came from WanStan, who donated this particular amiibo to me.  Back with the earlier amiibos, I offered an incentive for anyone who donated a Smash amiibo to allow them to name the character, and they were the only one who donated a figure and actually took me up on that offer.  Their idea was essentially just how he swings his sword with the power of a baseball bat for some hefty hits, so we played around with the idea and went with making a full-on baseball card out of it.  The 24 refers to the release number of his amiibo.

17) Jigglypuff : J-Pop - A reference to j-pop style music, and well, the fact that her name starts with a J.  And she’s a balloon, so those can pop.  Multi leveled references!  This was actually the first card I drew for the project.  I originally asked Neo if he could just like, polish up my drawings with better colors and shading, and he surprised me by going full tilt and making his own version of my rough sketch.  And thus the project was born.  This went through some various bits of retooling, such as the Love Ball being replaced with a Fairy Energy symbol on the nameplate, and also revising her hairstyle a bit.

18) Kirby : dyson - Dyson, much like Kirby, is actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.  Dyson’s commercials were famous for the designer being shown working on blueprints, saying things like “I just think vacuums should work properly,” things like that.  Since it’s his most powerful vacuum power to date, I put in a Hypernova plant on his desk.

19) Link : HeroOfAges - While a little outdated visually since we now have BotW Link as the Smash rep, again, we’re in that impasse where we didn’t get a BotW style Link amiibo specifically for Smash.  So he’s still got his Smash 4 look here.  With this one, I just wanted to reference the various Links and LoZ games throughout time.  So here we have referenced Ocarina of Time (Ocarina itself), Link to the Past (Magic Mirror), Link Between Worlds (Ravio’s bracelet), Twilight Princess (Fused Shadow), Hyrule Warriors (Link’s scarf), Skyward Sword (Beetle), the original Legend of Zelda (8-bit Wooden Sword), and the Oracles games (Harp of Ages).  Neo added some extra details on each reference as well.

20) Little Mac : Jr.Whopper - Basically just a play on, if Little Mac is to Big Mac, what would you call the Whopper equivalent?  Burger King for a long while was my go-to for fast food, though these days I probably prefer Sonic.  Still, the joke was too good to pass up.  Still amused Neo snuck the actual Burger King “King” mascot on there on his version, haha.  I have no idea why I had so much trouble drawing Little Mac’s hair, I was probably way overthinking it...

21) Lucario : AttackTurn - Yu-Gi-Oh! is one TCG I have a tendency to return to every now and again.  Given the Egyptian theming it has, it seemed a good fit for Lucario, who has an Anubis kind of feel to him visually.  Thus I set about trying to find a card that made sense as a reference to how Lucario works.  “Psychic Blade” was the best I could find.  You equip it to a monster, then pay life points in multiples of 100, up to a max of 2000.  The equipped monster then gains that much Attack and Defense.  Thus, somewhat similar to the concept of Lucario’s aura, as he gains more attack power the more damage he’s taken.  For the final card, we changed the name to “Aura of Psychic Blade” to more reference his aura.  Neo added a lot of clever references in the “card info” parts of this one, such as having the Pokémon artist shown as the illustrator, a card number referencing the Hoenn games where Lucario originated, all nice little easter eggs.

22) Lucas : Tomato Kid - Given the long time wait for an official localization of Mother 3 (I forget, DID one ever get announced?), fans took it upon themselves to make their own translation.  One of the more prominent ones I’d heard about was done by someone going by Tomato.  And thus, since in Earthbound we had Orange Kid and Apple Kid, we now have Tomato Kid.  There’s not too much else to detail here.  I literally copied a screenshot of Mother 3 pixel by pixel in Visio Home for this.  I couldn’t resist having the frog in the car, it’s just too weirdly cute.

23) Lucina : #FixFate - I admittedly don’t have a whole lot of Fire Emblem knowledge, so I had to just go with what references I could pull from.  Lucina’s game came out fairly close to around the same time as that Fire Emblem / SMT crossover type game.  Tokyo Mirage Sessions I think it was?  All I really knew about it was some of the visual style of the colored shadows walking around.  Given Lucina does have some time travel elements to her, going through time to fix her family’s past, her being in modern day Shibuya and texting on a smartphone doesn’t seem too out of the question... (okay it probably totally is but work with me here).  I snuck in a Persona 4 reference with the Calorie Magic ad, as well as a more general SMT reference with the Jack Frost phone charm.  Neo suggested adding a Splatoon ad in the background on the Shibuya tower.

24) Luigi : ReaL2401 - This is a reference to a big ol’ rumor inducing message people claimed to see on the star statue in the back garden of Peach’s castle in Super Mario 64.  Supposedly, the plaque on it said “L is Real 2401.”  People thought it was a hint to Luigi existing somewhere in the game.  Later, more well defined images showed the plaque to just likely say “Eternal Star.”  So I had the idea of Luigi leaving the message as a graffiti tag.

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM. 

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

[thelittlesttimelord]

The Littlest Timelord: The Death of the Doctor Chapter 11

TITLE: The Littlest Timelord: The Death of the Doctor Chapter 11 PAIRING: No Pairing RATING: T CHAPTER: 11/? SUMMARY: The Doctor’s death is looming on the horizon and Elise is growing every day. What the Doctor doesn’t know is that he has 200 years to teach Elise all he knows. Amy, Rory, and River let Elise in on their secret, because River knows she will keep it. What will Elise do when he’s gone?

[A/N - I’ve enjoyed writing this episode so much! I hope you like it too!]

“And then we discovered it wasn't the Robot King after all, it was the real one. Fortunately, I was able to re-attach the head,” the Doctor told Rory, who was sitting in the pilot seat.

Amy came down the stairs.

“Do you believe any of this stuff?” he asked her.

“I was there.”

Elise smiled from her spot on the stars where she was sketching the TARDIS rotor.

“Oh, it's the warning lights. I'm getting rid of those! They never stop!” the Doctor yelled, kicking the console. At one point in time, Elise would have yelled at him for it. But she ignored him.

There was suddenly a knock on the TARDIS door.

“What was that?” Amy asked.

“The door. It knocked,” the Doctor said.

“Right. We are in deep space,” Rory reminded him.

“Very, very deep”.

The knocking came again.

“And somebody's knocking.”

Elise briefly wondered if it was River coming for a visit.

The Doctor opened the doors.

There was a small glowing box floating outside.

“Oh, come here. Come here, you scrumptious little beauty.” The Doctor reached out for it, but before he could touch it it flew inside and darted around the console. It slammed into the Doctor’s chest.

“A box?” Rory asked.

“Doctor, what is it?” Amy asked.

The Doctor picked up the box. “I've got mail!” He ran up to the console. “Timelord emergency messaging system. In an emergency, we'd wrap up thoughts in psychic containers and send them through time and space. Anyway, there's a living Timelord still out there, and it's one of the good ones.”

“You said there weren't any other Timelords left. Besides you and Elise,” Rory said.

“There are no Timelords left anywhere in the universe. But the universe isn't where we're going. See that snake? The mark of the Corsair. Fantastic bloke. He had that snake as a tattoo in every regeneration. Didn't feel like himself unless he had the tattoo. Or herself, a couple of times. Ooo, she was a bad girl.”

The console sparked and popped.

“Oh, what is happening?” Rory asked.

“We're leaving the universe!” the Doctor yelled.

“How can you leave the universe?” Amy asked.

“With enormous difficulty! Right now I'm burning up TARDIS rooms to give us some welly. Goodbye, swimming pool. Goodbye, scullery. Sayonara, squash court seven.”

The console continued to spark as Amy screamed.

The TARDIS landed and everything went quiet.

“Okay, okay. Where are we?” Amy asked.

“Outside the universe, where we've never, ever been,” the Doctor told them.

The lights in the TARDIS started to go out.

“Is that meant to be happening?” Rory asked.

“The power, it's draining. Everything's draining. But it can't. That's, that's impossible,” the Doctor said.

“What is that?”

“It's as if the Matrix, the soul of the TARDIS, has just vanished. Where would it go?”

They stepped out into a junkyard.

“So what kind of trouble's your friend in?” Amy asked.

“He was in a bind. A bit of a pickle. Sort of distressed,” the Doctor told her.

“Ah, you can't just say you don't know.”

“But what is this place? The scrap yard at the end of the universe?” Rory asked.

“Not end of, outside of,” the Doctor said. He threw his arm around Rory’s shoulder as Amy rifled through some junk.

“How we can we be outside the universe? The universe is everything.”

“Imagine a great big soap bubble with one of those tiny little bubbles on the outside.”

“Okay.”

“Well, it's nothing like that.”

The Doctor tapped the doors of the TARDIS. “Completely drained. Look at her.”

“Wait. So we're in a tiny bubble universe, sticking to the side of the bigger bubble universe?” Amy asked.

“Yeah. No. But if it helps, yes. This place is full of rift energy. She'll probably refuel just by being here. Now, this place. What do we think, eh?” the Doctor picked up a rock and threw it.

“Gravity's almost Earth normal, air's breathable, but it smells like…”

“Armpits,” Amy supplied.

The Doctor jumped inside a bathtub. Was he incapable of standing still for one second? “Armpits.”

“What about all this stuff? Where did this come from?” Rory asked. He twirled a light fixture.

“Well, there's a rift. Now and then stuff gets sucked through it. Not a bubble, a plughole. The universe has a plughole and we've just fallen down it.”

“Thief! Thief! You're my thief!” A woman ran towards the Doctor. She was wearing a ratty blue dress.

A man and an older woman followed.

“She's dangerous. Guard yourselves,” the older woman said.

The younger woman ran up to the Doctor, frantically touching his arms and chest. “Look at you. Goodbye. No, not goodbye, what's the other one?” She launched herself on the Doctor, kissing him.

The man pulled her off the Doctor, who was wiping his lips and running a hand through his hair in shock. “Watch out. Careful. Keep back from her. Welcome, strangers. Lovely. Sorry about the mad person,” the man told them.

“Why am I a thief? What have I stolen?” the Doctor asked.

“Me. You're going to steal me. No, you have stolen me. You are stealing me. Oh tenses are difficult, aren't they?”

The woman walked over to Amy and played with the ends of her hair. Something about her felt familiar to Elise. Like she knew her from somewhere. “Oh! Look at you!” the woman said, kneeling in front of Elise.

“Oh. Oh, we are sorry, my dove. She's off her head. They call me Auntie,” the older woman, Auntie told them. She stepped forward and shook the Doctor’s hand.

The man did the same. “And I'm Uncle. I'm everybody's Uncle. Just keep back from this one. She bites!”

“Do I? Excellent,” the woman said. She grabbed the Doctor and bit him on the ear.

“Ow! Ow!”

“Biting's excellent. It's like kissing, only there's a winner.”

“So sorry. She's doolally,” Uncle said.

“No, I'm not doolally. I'm…I'm…It's on the tip of my tongue. I've just had a new idea about kissing. Come here, you.” She reached for the Doctor, who ran and hide behind Amy and Rory.

“No, Idris, no,” Auntie said, grabbing her.

“Oh, but now you're angry. No, you're not. You will be angry. The little boxes will make you angry.” The woman, Idris, looked at Elise. “And you. You’re going to learn something that is going to make you sad. Sad and angry.”

“Sorry? The little what? Boxes?” the Doctor asked.

Idris started laughing. “Your chin is hilarious!” She turned to look at Rory. “It means the smell of dust after rain.”

“What does?”

“Petrichor.”

“But I didn't ask.”

“Not yet. But you will.”

“No, no, Idris. I think you should have a rest,” Auntie told her.

“Rest. Yes, yes. Good idea. I'll just see if there's an off switch.” Idris collapsed.

The Doctor and Rory caught her, setting her down on a chair nearby.

“Is that it? Is she dead now?” Uncle asked, “So sad.”

“No, she's still breathing,” Rory told him.

“Nephew, take Idris somewhere she cannot bite people.”

The Doctor turned around. “Oh, hello!”

Amy, Rory, and Elise turned around as well. Amy jumped back and hid Elise behind her.

The alien was wearing a jumpsuit. It was bald and had tentacles where its mouth should be.

“Doctor, what is that?” Amy asked.

“Oh, no, it's all right. It's an Ood. Oods are good. Love an Ood. Hello, Ood.” The Doctor approached the Ood. “Can't you talk? Oh, I see. It's damaged. May I?” He picked up the white ball attached to the jumpsuit and disassembled it. “It might just be on the wrong frequency.”

“Nephew was broken when he came here. Why, he was half dead. House repaired him. House repaired all of us,” Auntie explained.

The Doctor got the ball working again and a voice came out of it.

“If you are receiving this message, please help me. Send a signal to the High Council of the Time Lords on Gallifrey. Tell them that I am still alive. I don't know where I am. I'm on some rock-like planet.”

Several other voices were trying to come through as well.

“What was that? Was that him?” Rory asked.

“No, no. It's picking up something else. But that's…that's not possible. That's…that's… Who else is here? Tell me. Show me. Show me!” the Doctor demanded.

“Just what you see. Just the four of us, and the House,” Auntie told him, “Nephew, will you take Idris somewhere safe where she can't hurt nobody?”

“The House? What's the House?”

“House is all around you, my sweets.”

Uncle jumped up and down where he stood.

“You are standing on him. This is the House. This world. Would you like to meet him?”

“Meet him?” Rory asked.

The Doctor hushed him. “I'd love to.”

“This way. Come, please. Come.”

Auntie and Uncle walked off.

“What's wrong? What were those voices?” Amy asked the Doctor.

“Timelords. It's not just the Corsair. Somewhere close by there are lots and lots of Timelords.” He took Elise’s hand and they hurried after Auntie and Uncle.

They led them into a spaceship.

“Come. Come, come,” Uncle told them, “You can see the House and he can look at you, and he...”

The Doctor walked over towards them and looked into metal grating on the floor. “I see. This asteroid is sentient.”

“We walk on his back, breathe his air, eat his food,” Auntie said.

“Smell its armpits,” Amy commented.

A deep, sophisticated voice came out of Auntie and Uncle. “And do my will. You are most welcome, travelers.”

“Doctor, that voice. That's the asteroid talking?” Amy asked.

“Yes. So you're like a sea urchin. Hard outer surface, that's the planet we're walking on. Big, squashy, oogly thing inside, that's you.”

“That is correct, Timelord,” House said.

“Ah. So you've met Timelords before?”

“Many travelers have come through the rift, like Auntie and Uncle and Nephew. I repair them when they break.”

“So there are Timelords here, then?”

“Not anymore, but there have been many TARDIS’s on my back in days gone by.”

“Well, there won't be any more after us. Last Timelords. Last TARDIS.”

“A pity. Your people were so kind. Be here in safety, Doctor. Rest, feed, if you will.”

Auntie and Uncle relaxed, now back to normal.

“We're not actually going to stay here, are we?” Rory asked.

“Well, it seems like a friendly planet. Literally. Mind if we poke around a bit?” the Doctor asked Auntie, Uncle, and Nephew.

“You can look all you want. Go. Look,” Auntie said. She walked up to Amy and touched her face and hair. “House loves you.”

“Come on then, gang. We're just going to, er, see the sights.”

They quickly left the spaceship.

[maidenxfmight]

penny for your thoughts

Tagging: @jeangrcysummers & Kara When: The day the siege started Where: Central Park (it all happens in Central Park) What: Jean tries to understand why Kara has changed. Warnings: Blood mention, death mention Word Count: 4,231

JEAN: Something was wrong. Something was wrong far beyond the general anxious gnawing Jean had at her gut since the United Nations meeting gone wrong, since Mystique dropped that man to the ground and Jean was left wondering what kind of army she’d signed up to, what price she would pay for achieving freedom for her people -- that was if this plan of Erik’s actually worked. If they got to the end of this and still had nothing to show for it, what would Jean do then? What would the next step be?

The future had never seemed so uncertain, and Jean was the woman who had died more times than most of the students could keep track of.

In the midst of the chaos of her life, there had always been lynchpins, points of contact, anchors that she could come back to. Scott. Rogue. Illyana. Erik, when he returned. Charles. Kara. Kara Danvers, who looked her straight in the eye and said that the Phoenix, what it made her do, changed absolutely nothing about their friendship. Kara who provided a home, right from their first meeting. Kara, who made Jean feel like she was alive again, instead of masquerading in the place of a ghost.

Kara, whose aura she could pick up on, even dimly, across cities, countries, continents. Kara, who Jean knew like the back of her hand.

Kara, who had changed. It was a dangerous move, to return to the Institute and use Cerebro to search for her. It was putting people at risk, it was opening up the shield to potential Sentinels, it was stupid by all tactical considerations -- but love made people stupid. And Kara was someone Jean loved, someone she considered family.

As it turned out, she could’ve just looked at the news.

Central Park. It couldn’t be anywhere but Central Park.

(Bullets flying, blood staining the grass, that sound of a disembodied scream that turned out to be her own, an Enforcer falling to the ground and then disintegrating into dust.)

Jean swallowed all of that back, landing lightly on the grass.

“Supergirl,” Jean called out, allowing the name to reverberate through psychic channels, too -- but she couldn’t get through. Kara’s natural immunity seemed to have been bolstered, shifted in the past few days. “It’s Jean. Can you hear me?”

KARA: Somewhere overhead, a helicopter beat a sharp staccato against the mid-afternoon sky. Kara could hear each blade as it spun, the heavy, rapid breaths of the news crew in the cabin. Their lens made a soft scrape as the cameramen spun to zoom. Their hearts beat too fast: scared.

She was a reporter, she knew what message was being broadcast to the world. Another superhero out of control, more collateral damage, more reason to control them. Her fingers curled into her palm, her head tilted to the helicopter as it circled above her. At one point, she may have written a story about how they misunderstood, but now...

She was tired of trying to convince them. They didn't care that she was a refugee, that she liked chocolate pecan pie, and she considered herself a Gryffinpuff. They didn't care that Gabbie just wanted people to look at her like she wasn't something to fear, or Peter had a right to his identity. They didn't care that Scott died in love not too far from where Kara stood, and Jean only ever wanted to love him back.

They didn't care. They only cared about what they could do. And in that moment Kara could do so much. She thought about wrapping her hands around the landing skids and dragging it back to Earth. They metal would give so easily. She could...

Jean's voice broke through, more than just aloud. Something prodded at the edge of her consciousness and her thoughts derailed. Her gaze dropped, squinting to find Jean landing on the grass just through the trees, and she smiled. She caught, just for a moment. No one had approached her since Alex the night before, and there was Jean. Of course there was Jean.

(A part of her screamed, if anyone would understand what was happening, how her mouth formed words she didn't want, how her hands had pulled apart struts even as she fought so hard not to–)

She was in front of her in a moment, "This is awfully public of you. Are you here to try to talk some sense into me, or is this just a check in?"

JEAN: Everything was supposed to be coming together. The rest of the city was living life on a knife’s edge, never entirely sure of where the next chess piece would move, but Jean was on the inside of this one -- she knew where she needed to go, knew what needed to happen, knew that the outcome would be the same even if they were forced to improvise on the finer details for part of the way. This was supposed to be, at least for her, the wind down. It was supposed to be where everything slotted into place, where the gnawing anxiety that had been building in her chest since Central Park started to wane.

Instead, it felt like everything was falling apart.

The first person she thought of when this happened, naturally, was Kara. Kara, who maintained something of a distance from her life in the Institute, who represented someone outside of mutantkind who looked at Jean and saw all of her and accepted her anyway. Kara, who was her friend, her sister, her family.

She didn’t realize until she investigated further that those bridges falling weren’t the work of the Brotherhood, or the defected X-Men. She mentioned it, albeit briefly, to Scott, who knew nothing -- enough of a warning bell that she knew asking Erik would give her nothing but more questions. So she investigated for herself.

And now she was standing face to face with Kara, and her voice didn’t sound like Kara. It didn’t feel like Kara. This force pressing back on Jean’s psychic push, the natural Kryptonian immunity seemingly bolstered by something that wanted her out, that wasn’t normal. Jean never looked deeper into her friend’s mind than she was asked to -- but the option was there. The option was there because they trusted each other. Jean hoped that would stand by her now.

“The latter,” Jean replied, “unless you feel like you need some sense. I’m not entirely sure I’m the right person to give it.” After all, what had she done for the past few weeks that indicated she was good at thinking things through? Every action Jean took only seemed to lead to more problems, or encourage those around her to take a situation and make it worse. “What are you doing, Kara?”

KARA: There was something nagging on the edge of her mind, and she knew it was Jean. It was different than the fight she'd been waging with herself for days. It was different than Alex and her gun, or Lar and his papers and that look. It was something she didn't feel very often, not even with Jean, who respected her boundaries better than most.

It meant Jean didn't know, and oh, that was interesting. Maybe Erik did have something he couldn't stand to lose.

"I'm–" Failing, somehow. Thoughts slipping one over the other, unable to grasp more than the ones that hurt. And Jean was right there, pressing in. Somewhere Kara screamed; she could imagine Jean pressing each bad thought down, one by one. Untangling the web so she could just think, just for a moment. She could apologize, or run, or fling herself into space until she didn't feel as much like tearing the whole world down to make a new one. But red outlined her veins and the screaming was smothered.

"I'm remodeling." She spun with a grin, squinting at the buildings around her until New York was nothing but skeletons. The bridges in the distance were warped steel and iron, and smoke rose steadily from various incidents throughout the city. She settled on one building, seventy-stories high, the inside wrecked. "I think L-Corp is a bit of an eyesore, don't you?"

Erik had cautioned her to wait, and her mind easily wavered from Lena. Jean had been at the United Nations. Jean had been on the news, she didn't flinch. Kara wondered if she was following orders, or if she believed just as passionately as Erik. Or if, like Kara, their goals would only run parallel for so long.

"I'm doing just fine, Jean. Having the time of my life, actually. Don't you have better things to do?"

JEAN: She didn’t enter minds without permission. She did, once, a long time ago -- she was a child without a notion of how to control these new abilities, and everyone’s thoughts blurring into hers. Sometimes they were like bulls in a china shop, tearing through her memories, their psyches confoundingly present. Other times, it was far more sinister. Their ideas, their concepts, slid into Jean’s thoughts and wrapped around her own mind. They made her feel as if they were hers, and before long, she didn’t know what was really Jean Grey and what was something else.

Maybe that’s why she was the ideal host for the Phoenix in the first place. Maybe that’s why days and nights disappeared into darkness, why she woke up in the morning and knew, instinctively, that she had been somewhere, done something, that she couldn’t pinpoint. Jean knew what it was like to be in the backseat of her own body, screaming that they were headed for a cliff, powerless to stop it.

She didn’t know why she was thinking of that now. She didn’t know why Kara -- her friend, her sister, bridesmaid at her wedding and co-parent to her cat -- would be pushing back this ferociously now, why her voice would be sharp where it had once been warm, but jumping immediately to something like that…

It was paranoia, from watching Erik. Paranoia, from seeing how Scott was growing more and more obsessed with plans, staying awake late into the night, seeming almost startled when she passed him a cup of coffee. Paranoia from seeing herself.

But this wasn’t Kara. Jean pushed just a little more as she stepped forward -- and pain rippled through her own temple. Resistance. Strong resistance. Kryptonian level resistance if Kara was really trying to keep her out.

“What kind of remodeling?” Jean asked, keeping her voice casual, as if she was asking her friend for a Starbucks order. “You know I’m not great with interior design, but maybe you can let me in on it.” She followed Kara’s gaze towards the skyline, still keeping her form in the periphery of her vision, and saw the familiar logo. “Well,” Jean said, thinking back to Erik’s rage about Lena Luthor, about the Sentinels, about what she had said on the matter -- that the woman deserved what she got.

Jean wasn’t so sure about that, now.

“I can think of worse places,” Jean commented. “Luthor … you’ve spent time with her before, right?” Supergirl always seemed to be there when Luthor needed help. Jean wasn’t going to act like that was a coincidence. Kara turned back to her, and Jean sucked in a breath. It was uncharacteristic, a bit like a slap in the face, but she could take it.

She could take it now she knew what she was dealing with.

“You’re not yourself, Kara,” she said, simply and firmly. Her voice softened as she continued. “I know what it feels like, to be … to be angry. Believe me, I know. But I can help you. I can help this all go away, you just need to let me in.”

KARA: "On Krypton, we didn't have all of these blocks. Our buildings curved." She could almost see it, tracing the bend of her family home with a finger. Her voice was almost gentle for the first time in days, and her heart thudded painfully in her chest. She didn't want to see it anymore. She was so tired of painting Krypton in shades of red and orange, of covering her canvasses and hiding them in corners because Rao forbid someone were to walk in. Someone who didn't know. Someone who didn't agree.

The sky was blue, and the buildings were blocks, and Kara was still the last one who cared.

"I could see all of them from my bedroom window, all the pods, the lights." She paused, her hand dropping to her side. For a moment, her veins glowed red, her hands clenching into fists. "We also didn't hate each other just for being who we are."

She caught again on L-Corp tower. There was so much about this world she'd grown to love. It was amazing how so much of it could be erased in moments. Just one word, built upon one too many missteps. She didn't want to remodel. She wanted to tear it all down. She wanted to dig her fingers into steel until it warped and tore. Again and again until the world broke or she did.

Jean might know what it meant to be angry, but their anger came from different places. It aligned at times, of course. They both lived in a world that punished anyone who dared to be normal. They both knew what it was like to hide. They both hurt in ways that couldn't be described or quantified, it just was. Jean was born into a world that had already decided she shouldn't be there.

Kara could still remember a world that had loved her, and she lost it. And she never had a choice.

She never had a choice.

"I'm more me than I've ever been." She looked to Jean again, eyes traced in glowing red. One hand lifted to rub at the slight prick at her temple, taking a step closer. "I'm finally helping myself. I'm– stay out I don't need you, Jean."

JEAN: Jean couldn’t read her friend’s mind,  couldn’t get past the invisible wall that she’d formed between them, and she’d always promised herself that when someone said no she would listen. When a friend looked her dead in the eye and said get out, she would.  Telepaths had an even greater responsibility than most mutants, she knew that — and she also knew that right now, she had a responsibility to her friend, to her fall, to the city, to bend some of those rules without breaking them.

“It sounds beautiful,” Jean replied, voice thick. “Maybe you can show me those memories, sometime. I would love to see it.” Life had been so hectic since their respective secrets came out. Jean learned Kara’s identity in a hospital room when they were uncertain if Alex would even wake up. Kara learned about the Phoenix over orange juice only a few weeks before the world fell apart. They knew each other, but they hadn’t had time to talk about it, not really.

Jean knew that look in Kara’s eyes. She’d seen it reflected in the mirror a million times — and she’d seen it in the faces of her husband and mentor in the past months since Central Park, too.

Was it the bird? For a brief second Jean reached to her,  but the flames didn’t lick against her skin. There was energy here, palpable and unnatural, but not cosmic fire.

“Okay,” Jean said, taking a step back, hands up as she moved. “You’re doing what you feel is right. Why don’t you tell me what that is, Kara? We can fix this, together. We can fix all of it.” Jean sucked in a breath, letting the silence sit between them for only one tense moment. “Burning the world down,” she started, “will not bring you peace.”

KARA: "Then what is supposed to bring me peace?" Kara took a step forward, brows drawn together, hands restless at her sides. "Putting on a pair of glasses, pretending to be human? Making myself less every day because if I don't someone somewhere will punish my family for it?"

Kara thought of Krypton. She thought of curved spires and the markets at street level. She thought of Rao's prayers, and how her family would recite them every night. And she felt peace, then. With her mother's soft voice guiding her through words born into her she was home. Soft and warm under Rao's light. She hadn't fully realized how much she'd missed it until Reign, and then Lar came into her life. It was something lost among the stars; she'd shifted and changed so much she'd nearly forgotten it was a part of her.

And truly, it was lost. Her family had turned there backs the moment she'd spoken Magneto's name. Lar's heartbeat had faded not long after she'd shoved his proposal against his chest.  Alex held a gun to her chest. There was only Kara, and her memories, and a world that insisted it didn't want her. It didn't want her prayers, or her history, or her culture. It stole the word 'alien' and morphed it into 'roach' and wrote it on protest signs to wave in Central Park. If she was going to find peace, she was going to have to make it.

"Besides," she pulled in a breath, steady, letting her hands unclench, "Isn't that what you're doing? Searching for peace in war?"

JEAN: It had always been different for Jean. She could pass, where other mutants within the Institute were forced to be recognize for what they were, outed by their appearance or abilities that couldn’t be hidden behind measures of control. When Kara tales about a pair of glasses, about blending into human life, about denying her true self so she could live in peace, Jean understood that — but that didn’t mean she could let her friend keep going.

“I know what it’s like, keeping yourself under control. Every single day, you ... you can’t even breathe in case you take down a building with you, in case you brush a little too close to someone and ruin their life. I get that. But Kara, lashing out won’t get you anywhere. It only ends badly.” Jean had died before, when she leaned into that fear, into her anger. She had burned up on the lawn and she came back, only by the grace of an entity she still couldn’t completely figure out the intentions of. “You’re right. I am fighting a war. But I’m not doing it alone.”

Jean took a small step forward, hand up. “You are so powerful,” she said, “but your true strength always comes from the people who love you. You taught me that, more than anyone. If you want to fight, you can fight with us. We are making a world better for everyone who is different. We are forcing them to give us a place to rest. You can help with that. Don’t let the pain force you into doing this alone.”

KARA: I'm not doing it alone.

Kara's apartment had a revolving door, and it wasn't because it was a particularly nice apartment, or a convenient location. It was average, and out of the way. No, it was because for so long, Kara had loved everyone she could, everyone who needed it. She'd fostered a home and called her friends family. El Mayarah meant stronger together, it meant hope, and it was one of the few things she could take from Krypton and embody entirely. She'd crawled out of a pod and watched Kal fly away, and decided she wasn't going to let anyone ever feel unloved or unwanted.

For a moment, Kara caught. Jean had a family and a purpose. She had Scott, and Erik so obviously loved her. They were fighting for their family, for the people they loved, so they may live in a space safe for them. Late nights with tea and a purring super cat said Kara was a part of that family. But–

"I asked my family." Kon told her to get out, Alex held a gun to her chest. Kal was only ever a cape on a television screen, there only when it best suited him, and gone before she could ask him to stay. Donna was off putting the pieces she'd left behind back together, and hadn't truly talked to her in so long Kara wondered how they'd let so many miles grow between them.

She couldn't hear Lar's heartbeat anymore.

She wanted her family. Stronger together, she thought. She wanted them to understand her anger just as well as they understood her hope. She wanted to tell them about Krypton, to see the same vision for the future she did. She wanted curved spires and marketplaces that smelled of food Earth couldn't even dream of. She wanted her dad and his lab, her mom's arms around her. She wanted, she wanted all these things she could never have, and it hurt.

It hurt until she couldn't hold it anymore, and when she broke she was answered with guns and lit eyes and 'not like this, Kara.' "I asked my family, and they said no. Why don't you tell them we're supposed to be stronger together." Kara pulled in a breath, fingers flexing at her sides. "What was your goal here, Jean? Stand here and tell me I'm loved, and it'll all be okay? We'll figure this out together? It's not enough." She took a few steps back, shaking her head. Something tugged at her, something that said Jean had understood better than anyone else. Jean actually said things that mattered.

Jean had sat across from her and talked of anger, and how hard it could be to control. She wasn't just reaching a hand out because she wanted Kara to stop, she was reaching a hand out as someone who could see her, honestly see her. And Kara rallied, she tried so hard. Let her in, let her in, but her thoughts tumbled away. "Unless you have something more productive than 'love bonds us all,' I think we're done here."

JEAN: Jean was a scientist. She was a soldier. She’d been a part of the X-Men since before she was anything else, and that meant logic and pragmatism needed to be at the forefront of everyday life. In the Institute, they put a target on their own backs in order to prove to the world that mutants were there to protect themselves, yes, but also humanity — to prove that they weren’t there to propel evolution forward, or to wipe out other races in an attempt to save their own.

That meant that her heart should never outweigh her head, but it did, constantly and consistently. Jean acted on her gut far more than she did on tactical expertise or reading the terrain. She fought on her own terms, allowed the auras of the people around her to guide her actions. It was only when she took that feeling out of it that things started going wrong. When she looked at the logic of a situation, like the decades and centuries of mutant suppression and discrimination, and figured that nothing would change in her lifetime, in any of their lifetimes, that they were doomed to live half an existence for as long as they were allowed before dying a premature death. When Jean allowed herself to see only in facts, hope diminished, and people got hurt.

People were getting hurt now. That was never Kara’s intention. It wasn’t just a smiling girl in a karaoke bar that drew Jean to Kara — she knew that the second the truth came out in the hospital, and then over the island counter in her kitchen. They were more alike than they ever thought. “I can do that. We can work it out, together. You could come with me, and we could talk to them.” There was nothing that couldn’t be solved if they worked together. (Was that hypocritical to say when Jean’s family reunion turned into a civil war in New York? When what they accomplished together was only more bloodshed, albeit with good intentions?) “Your family love you, Kara. You’ve formed something here that people can only dream of. I know what you’re going through, but we are never better alone.”

There was a moment, just a split second where Jean stepped forward and Kara didn’t increase the distance between them, a brief instant where she saw something shift in her friend’s eyes. She reached for her hand, and then Kara was gone, in a burst of speed she’d never seen before, not this close.

We could follow her, a voice whispered. Jean would. She needed to. Kara was her friend, her sister, the woman she wanted by her side on the best day of her life and every day before and since. We could follow her, but you don’t want to do that.

The wind picked up, blowing through the park. The grass shifted, and Jean was back in that moment, blood soaking into the dirt.

We have other battles to fight, it said, and you need to save your strength.

It was right. (It was always right.)

It was time to pay Erik a visit.

[thesalemsaga]

𝟯 — 𝗯𝘂𝗿𝗻

—   𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙡𝙚𝙢 𝙨𝙖𝙜𝙖.

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩 : 5.9k words

𝙨 : getting the final three people to join her is proven to be much more difficult than realized, and along with that, seren is forced to deal with some realities before she comes to her final decision.

“ alright everyone, settle down, settle down! don’t keep me waiting! ”.

it was a monday morning, and dueling was the first lesson on the enormous timetable. it was why her nerves were much more jumpy than usual. it was also probably because her final candidate was present in the room with her.

the dueling classrooms were much bigger than most, huge as a lecture hall with a ten metre mat in the center where the demonstrations took place, where the teacher would often invite someone down for a short lesson. regardless of your class or semblance, it was not optional to skip dueling class.

it was perhaps the best subject seren had, as alchemy and engineering often tired her brain out to an extent where she would be unable to talk. she much rather preferred facing off a classmate in a clash of swords than anything else.

but her quest today was much more simpler than just a fight. in reality, seren’s attention was nailed to someone in particular, someone she desperately needed on her team to make this entire plan work. without a healer, they were as good as dead, regardless of their status and skills as trained fighters.

romeo and kailen had made their attempts at convincing alexander sallow to join them, both came back with disappoint written on their faces. and to add fuel to the fire, the last two members would only join if alexander managed to make it into the team.

it was all left to seren in the end.

the teacher who led the dueling lessons was no other than master lockhart, a close friend of the principal and a personal favorite of the girl, mostly because he often skipped her when it came to demonstrations. she could handle a fight like the next person but being observed critically perturbed her. the fear mainly manifested at the worry of messing up and being laughed at, which happened five or six times in the past three years and people tend not to leave her alone because of it.

today, of all days, however, they were speaking of something to do very closely to her semblance, as shown on the board behind lockhart.

speed vs power.

“ today, we’ll be doing something a bit different ”, lockhart announced. he, a man in his late forties, fortified as he carried himself with strength and purpose, truly could not be disliked even by the most complicated students. he was a fun teacher, one to leave you alone if you were uncomfortable and to accept if you were enthusiastic. he was a rather handsome man, with his blonde hair slicked back and a mediterranean smile dancing over thin lips. his eyes were truly remarkable, though. grey, a color of a wise man.

seren didn’t see any unfamiliar faces that day. she had actually walked to class with kailen and romeo after having breakfast with them, purposefully avoiding her father yet again but without ill intent, she just needed to stay focused. 

among those faces, she also spotted the final three candidates, evangelos and perseus sat beside each other and alexander sat at the front, seeming rather uninterested.

seren didn’t get to peek for too long in fear that he had some sort of psychic semblance, but she got the impression that he was silent, distant and far from someone who could easily be convinced to join such a mission. but even though he looked stubborn, she needed the results. she needed to impress him, to get something across, and if it didn’t work, then she would have to approach him. and she wasn’t planning on being gentle.

lives were at stake, and if he didn’t want to join, then it was his loss. but it was worth trying.

“ speed and power, two opposing forces, as some would put it ”, lockhart began, motioning to the board. “ you can either have one or the other and when faced with someone with the opposite skill, you might find yourself struggling. because at the end of the day, they cannot top each other. ”

seren had heard of two soldiers in the past. one blessed with immense strength and the other with speed, and they made a rather impressive due what with the number of criminals they managed to take down. they left the military to become solo hunters, and ended up reducing crime rates when the people of the empire started to lose some of their previous morals.

the professor turned and glanced over his students, “ when these two meet in a fight, it is unlikely that one is going to top the other. they can both do some wicked damage against each other, especially if they’re at equal quality. so if you have two trained fighters representing one of these, and you force them to fight, they will not come out with at least some injuries. ”

someone behind seren suddenly blurted out a question, she recognized it to be a girl from her alchemy class. “ why are we learning about them, sir? most people tend to side with one skill anyway ”.

“ ah! but that’s exactly the problem. these two are just minor examples of an issue certain people have when finding their style of fighting ”, lockhart was quick to respond. “ they think they have to choose something to fit their look as a fighter. only fire magic, only ice magic. only big guns, only small guns. only power, only speed. folks, you’re missing the point! ”.

seren felt herself leaning against her desk a tiny bit more. lockhart’s lessons are the ones that tend to light up a flame in any ambitious and resilient fighter such as herself, she could see it through the eyes of her other classmates that the message was growing more interesting as the man spoke.

he carried himself to the center of the fighting mat, yet his speech never ended. “ the gift of being a hero is not just playing by the rules you see in old rpg games where you have the ice mage and the fire mage. no! reality is so much more fun, you can be anything you want and you don’t have to separate skills into two boxes ”, he looked among them and gave his usual smile. a comforting one, that of a man who had aged well and knew things that not many would imagine knowing.

“ you can easily have both. which is what i’m about to show you. i’m going to show you exactly what happens when you end up using these attacks together ”, he paused and looked among the students, and although seren quickly sunk back into her seat, it didn’t stop him from settling his eyes over her. “ miss armsend, if you’d please step up. ”

the girl sucked a breath in. the immediate shift of all the wandering gazes in the classroom landing on her triggered a dread in her stomach, yet seren could not simply reject the teacher’s demand if she wanted to keep being the perfect dueling student that she’s always been. her father wouldn’t be happy, and that was something she was not going to risk.

gulping, the girl settled with a smile and rose from her desk. teachers had access to the weapons that were kept in separate lockers, and since iron thorn had managed to find itself within lockhart’s grasp, something within seren told her he was going to pick her all along. he was a kind man, but not so when it came to dueling.

as she descended down the steps and paced onto the dueling mat, lockhart went around searching for someone else. “ as miss armsend has a speed semblance, i will need someone who majors more on the strength aspect of combat. maybe another swordsman, or a brawler . . . ”, whilst he contemplated, the girl familiarized herself with the grip of her sword, trembling in her uniform.

“ mr chrysanthos? ”.

oh you’re joking, right?

murmurs flooded out between the students, most of the attention turned to the boy sitting beside an amused perseus. seren glanced over her shoulder and settled her own eyes on evangelos, whose face gave nothing away. and that just made her tremble with a lot more fear.

evangelos was a brawler, and a fucking good one. tall, packed to the brim with muscle, and from what she was told, was always angry. it was why he could reduce people to ashes with his gauntlets, releasing out an ounce of anger through every punch and kick, trained seriously in martial arts and from what she could tell, he could crush her with his bare hands.

and the fact that the male stood and began to walk down to the training mat just made seren grow increasingly apprehensive. she was accustomed to facing her old man with his cane, and even at the age of fifty, years of experience in the military and a keen eye in combat, arthur armsend intimidated her less than evangelos.

one might say, she didn’t have to worry because she would not be fighting evangelos when he joins the team. the punches will not be directed towards her, yet seren was shocked to the core of fucking up here and spoiling her chances of impressing the male and losing a candidate. and with him, probably perseus as well.

she couldn’t lose this.

“ five minutes. i want to see a normal duel. knocking the person out is not the intention here, but pushing them to the ground is. regardless of power or speed, you’re useless if you’re on the floor ”, lockhart handed evangelos the gauntlets, which he equipped quickly. “ the rest of you can observe, and try to imagine what these two forces would be like when put together in a formal duel. ”

evangelos stood far from her, jaw clenched, disinterested as always. he seemed to have a similar strategy to her, of coating his emotions behind a poker face. however, it still felt like he didn’t have any worries to hide. he didn’t see seren as a threat.

and for obvious reasons, she felt the insult like a punch in the gut.

“ ready, set, and . . . begin! ”.

an explosion erupted long before seren could prepare herself and that came from evangelos lunging forward. he was quick! but what worried her more at that moment was how those gauntlets flared up with a red color.

with no armor or shield, seren relied on her speed. no essences were allowed to be used, so she shifted quickly. her semblance acts, well, quickly. you won’t really see her move, you’ll just find her in a different place at the blink of an eye. upon shifting, she found herself behind the male, but he cut through and turned right back to her. every bone in her body rattled with fear.

when the gauntlets collided with iron thorn, a sound thundered and shook the classroom, rendering both fighters stunned for a moment. thankfully, neither weapons showed signs of breaking, iron thorn was perfectly sharp and far from beaten. and nobody showed any signs of falling just yet.

given the position and the proximity, seren’s eyes widened when she swung the rapier hard enough to create that same auditory ripple that sent evangelos pinging back into the other side of the training mat, landing on his two feet, but not without some of those dark locks coming out of place.

thirty seconds in and seren felt like giving up. especially after seeing the seething rage erupting from the boy’s gaze, it could kill.

neither moved for a second, contemplating their chances and their moves and when they did move, it was in unison.

when evangelos threw his fist forward, she was expecting him to lunge, but he didn’t. from the other side of the training mat, seren witnessed a spark and cursed briefly under her breath upon realizing he had a ranged weapon, of which the shots resembled a shotgun, two that barely missed the girl, one cutting through a few locks of her pink hair.

when the third shot rang, seren was ready to receive it. the bullet came and almost within a sudden slowness in time, she lifted the sword in her hand and cut through it, and recoiled away just in time for the explosion to go off. had she stayed, it would have most likely shattered iron thorn in half.

the smoke cloud created engulfed the girl long enough to look down and peer at her sword, gleaming and steaming from having cut a shotgun bullet in half. in all honesty, she was not expecting the bullets to pack such a punch, and she could only imagine the damage it could do when facing it up close.

coughing through the smoke, seren prepared to be jumped, or prepared for someone to expect her to jump. yet she remained perfectly still, thinking deeply. her goal was not to demonstrate how speed could bide well with power, her only goal was to bring the boy to his knees and she could only do that with the skill she had. which was fine by her. 

“ come on, armsend, i don’t have all day to play hide and seek! ”.

no response.

the next movement came in a series of blinks. the grey in which she had surrounded herself with was not disturbed when she breached through and spawned beside the male, before shifting again, and again, drawing a circle around him, almost as a taunt.

a taunt that most certainly worked, especially when the male groaned, turned to where she was going to shift again, and threw a fist. seren felt like she was going to feel the punch for the rest of her life, yet it never came as she expected.

because she shifted once more, this time, behind the male, fast enough to kick the soles of her school shoes against his back and sending him plummeting forward. 

evangelos was not done, though.

to others, it happened at normal speed. but seren saw everything. she saw the way he turned before he could fall for certain, the way the gauntlet suddenly glowed with a heavy red, and the way the heat traveled in her direction. and if she blocked with iron thorn, she would have no weapon. so her forearms did the work.

the impact shattered against her forearms, first through the impact of the solid iron of the gauntlets, followed by a burning sensation that incited a bellow of anger from a usually silent seren.

as evangelos eventually met the ground with a grunt, seren felt her back scrapping the floor until she came to a stop. and when she did, the burning settled and with the lack of her blazer, the injuries became more obvious. students loomed over their desks and gasped.

her forearms were glowing with a bizarre redness, throbbing with agony that words simply couldn’t explain. the girl smacked a hand over her mouth to stop herself from screaming, yet once lockhart ran over to loom over her and check on her, he made the mistake of pressing his cold hands against the burning skin, and seren could not help the scream this time around.

“ relax, relax! it’s okay, come on, stand up. ”

despite the encouragement, the girl couldn’t go through with it. it hurt, it hurt like a bitch, it felt like someone had dropped lava over her arms and she was beginning to feel it in her bones, the tears had miraculously stopped before they could breach through the surface. 

she had managed to complete the task but not before getting two giant burn marks of her forearms when trying to defend herself. great.

seren did not find the courage to look up once she was pulled to her feet. she already heard the gasps, the tuts, some laughs, and it was humiliating, to say the least. the redness in her ears could not match that on her arms. 

evangelos had gotten himself up to his feet, face blank as always. the girl wanted to apologize for something so foolish, it was her fault for throwing herself into such an attack that she could have blocked with her weapon, but it was either her arms or iron thorn, and she was not sacrificing her rapier.

“ regardless of the injury, you saw it, folks ”, lockhart continued with the lesson regardless, keeping the two students on the dueling mat as he turned to everyone else. “ you saw the vibration that came from two powerful weapons coming into close contact, you saw how she was able to cut through an explosive and give herself cover, you saw how he slowed her down with those bullets. now, think of attacks like those put together. think of improving your speed to strengthen your power and vice versa. ”

seren didn’t look up when he motioned to her.

lockhart pressed on, “ many people have managed to incorporate both those skills into their weapons and fighting style. you will end up in teams one day and if there’s no one with those skills, you will be able to do wonders. there’s no use separating these repelling forces from each other, especially when you want to be a stronger fighter. ”

as they were allowed to chat amongst themselves, lockhart approached seren, clearly struggling to keep the tears in. he looked upon her red forearms and sighed, “ do you want to go to the nurse’s office? ”.

she quickly shook her head.

“ seren. ”

“ i-i’m fine, sir, really. it’ll pass. i’ll just ask someone to put some ice on it. ”

suck it up, nobody’s going to feel bad for making you cry on the battlefield, her father’s voice rang in her head louder than usual. she was a sensitive soul, she couldn’t mask her feelings as easily as others, most definitely when she was injured. her arms were burning and aching and she would rather someone chopped them off than have to face with it for any longer. yet seren stood, biting her lip, choking back the tears.

lockhart didn’t push. “ alright, return to your seat. thank you for your cooperation, miss armsend ”. with a nod, the girl kept her head down and shuffled back to her seat, walking past evan in an apologetic silence. when she sat down, only one person turned to her to ask if she was okay. she didn’t know how she managed to keep the tears in, but she did. smiling and nodding.

she was fine.

and besides, it seemed like her mission had made some progress.

from her seat, she could see alexander sitting down at the lower row, peering back at her with quizzing eyes. choosing not to stare him down, seren offered the boy a sweet smile and turned back to her books, even if she had no reason to. she was in desperate need of a healer right now, and this would repeat at some point in the future. she would need a healer then as well. 

she needed alexander to be her healer. and injury or no injury, she was going to get him to join.

time skip . . .

“ i swear to fucking god, i’m going to kill evangelos! ”.

seren laughed shyly.

it was lunch time now, and her afternoon class got cancelled once her father heard of her injury. he said that he didn’t want her near anymore fire and so was willing to bring her out of alchemy class. it was embarrassing, she didn’t want it to be a big deal. it was her fault, anyway.

chatter had mostly died out yet some would occasionally look over at where they sat, most would roll their eyes. especially now. kailen sat beside her and was wrapping up bandages around her swollen forearms, listening as romeo rambled on and on through his meal, unhappy with the state of things.

any other party would claim she did it for attention, which she got, especially since she was being patched up by a pretty boy. yet her issue remained on evangelos.

she saw the frown on his face, a building frustration that made her quiver in fear. she would hate it if she got him into trouble, and it was why she came up to lockhart after the lesson and begged him to keep evangelos out of trouble and let her take the blame. because it was her fault.

she did it because of an inner quarrel of possibly breaking her weapon or breaking her arms and she chose the latter. if iron thorn got broken, she might as well just die on the spot.

“ he was going to fall anyway, so he saw it best to give her something else to deal with. a final move ”, kailen spoke for the first time since they arrived at the cafeteria. seren watched him go about his work quietly. “ it was just badly timed. it’s no one’s fault. ”

seren frowned, “ it was my fault. ”

a groan came from romeo.

“ seren, love, hear me out. nobody knew you were doing it to protect your weapon. looking at that sword, i can see it costs a fuck ton of money and time. i would rather throw myself in front of evangelos than have someone nearly break my beauty in half ”, he was speaking about his riffle, of course. “ and who asked him to throw that much of a punch? he was going to kill you! ”.

thinking about it now, seren couldn’t help but laugh.

she ran a hand through her hair and suddenly stopped when a few locks ended short. she recalled the bullet that had cut through her hair and her stomach was filled with dread again.

“ it was a duel, and that’s his fighting style. it just looks intimidating because that’s just how he fights ”, seren was quick to come to evangelos’s defense. he carried himself strongly through the fight, it was admirable albeit terrifying. “ it’s funny, something tells me iron thorn could have survived that. ”

kailen tied the ends of the bandage on her left arm and peeked up at her. “ then why didn’t you use iron thorn? ”.

“ because i wanted alexander’s attention. ”

that would have sounded very creepy if they didn’t know the context.

romeo’s jaw fell for a moment, almost to the point where the water in his mouth spilled. he choked and coughed suddenly. “ h-hold on ”, he gulped. “ you’re telling me you nearly shattered your arms because you wanted that idiot to consider joining? ”.

“ sympathy goes a long way. ”

“ seren, you sociopath. ”

the girl gave him an apologetic smile. call it stupid, something a sociopath or maniac would do, but seren could handle the pain if it meant she would have the results she wanted. sacrificing her comfort at the price of making the world safer was something she was willing to repeat a dozen times. she knew the injury would heal, especially if there was someone capable on the team to do just that, and it was why she was not worried.

she would be worried, however, if they didn’t have a healer. and the one she wanted was alexander, a boy she hadn’t formally met just yet but she knew she would eventually, especially after today.

the consistency of leaving the walls had been obvious within the top ten, and she doubted only one person would break that streak. they were young dreamers, surely he would show some interest. and from what kailen told her, he did hesitate before declining. alexander just needed a small push in the right direction, and she was willing to offer that.

“ all done. ”

snapping out of her thoughts, seren was met with bandaged arms and a fruit juice carton being held towards her by kailen. chuckling, she accepted it and enjoyed the short amount of time they had left till lunch was over. the two boys had to continue on with their lessons, meaning she would be left alone. it was alright, though, she could head off the library.

and when the bell rang, that was where she went.

the valhalla library was immeasurable in size, stacked to the roof with books of all sorts, most were history books detailing accounts of the old earth before the period of ragnarok fell upon them. ranging from world wars to killer epidemics that nearly rid the earth of humans, there was a lot on history but that was not what seren was searching for.

seren was not searching for knowledge nor aid in her exams, nor the comfort of a fictional adventurous or romantic tale. rather, she was searching for someone who had claimed the library as his domain.

the shelves were the same mahogany as her father’s desk, polished every day by the valhalla companions who were capable of floating or climbing or flying. she spotted ted-ee 012 carrying a seat of hovering books behind him, waving at her when they spotted each other.

non-fiction section, desk beside the window without a curtain. those were kailen’s exact words from yesterday and the girl made an attempt at not forgetting them, bringing herself to the said location where she hoped to find the boy who had been hiding from her this whole time.

and what do you know, he was there when she approached.

alexander had been the only boy she had not approached or spoken with, mostly in fear of being turned away. and after the day she had today, she didn’t want to struggle more than she already had. she wanted to leave the library with a smile on her face, and possibly get some rest for tomorrow.

being a healer, alexander and many others were posed with books and ancient scrolls with many enchantments, buffs and spells to learn that would come into effect when they came into combat with their teammates. it required time, energy, and a behemoth amount of patience as they cannot just be learnt overnight.

seren hated to interrupt him, so she didn’t. rather, she turned and reached for a random book within the shelves, and retrieved a book on monsters. dragons, to be more specific.

alexander’s table was empty of people, but it was covered in scrolls and sheets of paper in languages that she could not recognize, possibly ancient or made up ones related mostly to the work regarding clerics. ( another fancy word for healers. ) when she pushed the chair back and sat down as quietly as she could, the sound of her setting her book down still seemed to disturb the boy.

when she looked up as well and met his gaze, she offered him another sweet smile almost identical to the one she had offered that morning, and the boy swiftly returned to his studies. seren looked back, not wishing to disturb him.

the girl had the intention of talking to the boy eventually, but she allowed the comfortable silence in and began to enjoy the book she had randomly selected. the first few pages talked about the origin of dragons, the cultural depictions of them, versus the real life ones that people have begun to encounter.

they spoke about the different colors, the different breeds, the different sorts of treasure that the scaled beasts guarded, and the rarity of a golden dragon. seren had the imagination of a mere child, it was no wonder she began to daydream about her adventure even if it wasn’t happening for certain.

the grassy plains, the abandoned and crumbling pillars, abandoned castles, dense forests with trees of all colors, not to mention the dozen creatures they could encounters. faes, nymphs, maybe the very dragons that were so rare to find. maybe a unicorn, maybe a pegasus, maybe an alicorn. 

seren read so many fantasy books growing up that she wasn’t certain any of those creatures did exist or if it was just a rumor spread around by bored military soldiers. but she remained hopeful.

fifteen minutes into reading, alexander suddenly cleared his throat.

“ does it hurt? ”.

seren took a moment to recall the burns. she closed her book for a moment, surprised to have finally gotten the male to talk. she lifted her two forearms with a curious tilt to the head, only to confirm that he was talking about them. when he nodded, she chuckled. “ no, not really. well, it did in the beginning. but now it’s kinda numb now that it’s swollen ”, shouldering the pain as she always does. in reality, she could still feel it aching perhaps ten times more than before.

alexander hummed, peering down at his papers. he seemed uncertain to talk, so she looked down, not wanting to take up any of his time. if he was forcing himself to talk to her, then she wouldn’t be happy with herself.

“ i’ve . . . uh, been working on this new healing spell. ”

seren immediately started shaking her head. “ please. i think i deserve this injury this time around. but hey, if we’re ever in a battlefield together, you can definitely help me then ”. was that too direct?

based on his confused reaction, it was. alexander looked puzzled, “ t-that’s weird, kailen and romeo both came up to me the other talking about the same thing. they want me to join a team or something. ”

“ yeah, they do. i am the one who asked them, after all. ”

the small oh from alexander caused a laugh out of the girl, the first proper laugh that day. his entire reaction was comical, from the widening of his eyes to the minor blush around his cheeks.

“ though ”, she continued. “ i will not be upset if you say no. well, i will, because i wouldn’t have the most qualified healer on the team. i would have to look for someone else, and lord knows how long that will take. and maybe by then, it would have been too late.”

with a minor pause to wince at the injury when she moved her arms, seren pressed on. “ i know the time and effort that goes into learning all of these spells and the pain of being seriously underestimated afterwards must suck. healers are essential ”, she voiced.

alexander mumbled softly, “ it takes me two nights to learn five spells. ”

“ see? it’s a lot of hard work ”, seren smiled softly and leaned back against her chair. “ we could use a healer like you, alexander. you’re powerful as hell, you’re second on the ranks, do you know how powerful that is? ”. the boy suddenly appeared shy. “ a prodigy like you belongs in a team of other prodigies. ”

“ i’m far from a prodigy. ”

“ oh, please! you’re amazing, alexander. my father talks about you all the time. but believe me, all this hard work is going to be for nothing unless if we don’t get up and do something ”.

their conversation came to a stand still when the librarian, a small and petite woman with a seriously receding hairline came over and shushed them whilst putting some books away. seren smiled apologetically and turned back to alexander.

she sighed, “ i’d love to have you on the team, alex. what good is a fighter without a healer to watch his back? ”.

the boy was conflicted, and she could very much understand why.

leaving the city would mean abandoning all previous beliefs of how the world worked and preparing yourself for what might be a major shock in your life as you see the planet for what it truly is, not for what others say it is. you’d face challenges that will deal with the mind, the soul, something that goes beyond bodily injuries.

and yet, she was able to shrug all of those worries off when she put her goal in mind. she wanted this because it would mean she could have a life when she made her return. a life of her own, not something relied on the decisions made by her superiors. it would mean freedom, freedom of choice. seren was willing to go through hell for that.

but some people weren’t, some people were scared but there was no use casting them back to their origins and letting them be scared for the rest of their lives. overcoming challenges such as these was the only way a human being can get out of the life they lied. and she wanted to encourage the boy.

“ i’d . . . i’d just feel scared of being out there. ”

“ as would i. as would anyone, these walls are the only things we’ve ever known. have you ever just thought about what lies on the other side? ”. the boy didn’t answer that. “ it could be paradise or hell. whichever it is, it won’t last for long with a wicked witch on the loose. and it’s going to take six idiots wearing their school uniform and carrying flamboyant weapons, so be it. ”

that was the first time she had seen alexander smile, and she had to admit, it was a pretty sight. she had manage to carve an opening through the timidity and glimpsed upon a boy who was just like her, but was scared. she wouldn’t mind helping him, though. they weren’t going alone, after all.

“ you’re very good at talking, seren ”, he said.

the girl shrugged, “ that’s odd, i’d say it’s what i’m worst at. i’m not even that great at holding a weapon properly. i’m not that good, believe me. i’m just really stubborn and really stupid. and really want to change the world. ”

he was the missing piece to all of this. she had gone through nights without sleep spent planning entire missions and methods of escape, hours negotiating until her voice was gone, and now her arms were burnt and swollen and she wasn’t going to give up now when alexander was right in front of her. if he said yes, then she would allow herself a sigh of relief.

if he said yes, then the journey would only begin. it wasn’t the end at all, nor even the very beginning, it was all preparation for something bigger, grander, far more important than anything she’s ever have to face in her life. she wanted to leave, she wanted to venture out, she wanted to carry herself with her own purpose rather than one that someone else had handed her.

seren wasn’t going to rest until this mission was complete. it was her purpose, she’d found her purpose and to give up on it now would be the biggest misfortune she could inflict on herself.

“ fine. ”

shooting up from her seat, seren grasped the boy’s hands and held them tightly. her eyes were glossy with tears already, “ really? ”.

“ y-yes, really. it won’t be easy. but i won’t be alone. and if it’s for a good cause -- ”.

“ -- then it’s all that matters. ”

her smile had never been brighter, eyes turned into crescents and cheeks looking rosier by the second. if happiness was embodied into one person, it was framed in seren’s figure at that moment.

alexander gave a smile of his own, though it verged more on the appearance of a smirk. “ so ”, he began. “ when do we leave? ”.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #257

I hope y’all are behaving and staying inside. This’ll blow over, folks.

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No. How often do you get called on your home phone? We don't have a landline. Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? We don't have a dog anymore. When we had them, we very rarely did. Mom did so more than me, and I wouldn't give them anything if they were begging. Except chicken nuggets with Teddy. There was no denying him chicken nuggets. Do you like salt on your popcorn? Yes. What tricks does your pet do? Well one is a snake and my cat doesn't know any because since when do cats obey you lmao. Do you believe in psychics? No. When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? Jason's old fatass dog. What is the worst damage that your car has seen? N/A Who is your least favourite character on your favourite television show? In Meerkat Manor, fuck that, I loved them all, lmao. Well, I remember I was bitter towards Rita/Amira for killing Rocket Dog's pups, but even then I knew that was meerkat nature to ensure the survival of their own offspring. That '70s Show, definitely no one. I adore all the characters. For Fullmetal Alchemist, honestly, there are SO many that I don't remember probably even half of them. BUT, from what I do remember, Nina's dad whose name evades me. You watch it and you know why alkdsjf;kaldjw. Have you gotten sick this year? No. When was the last time you got a new ringtone? Eons ago. Where do you put your keys when you get home? They're always in my purse. What’s your phone background picture? Lock screen is a cute as fuck picture of Mark, home screen is two meerkats. If you could move to any country, what would it be? Realistically, Canada. Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? Plenty of times. Do you have any posters, paintings or other artwork on your walls? A LOT. My walls are cramped; it makes it feel homey to me. Would you ever take a trip to space if given the chance? Nah, too long of a journey. How do you cope with anxiety? Watch YouTube more attentively, listen to music, nap, take one of my anxiety meds. Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? No. Who makes you laugh the most? In my "real life," my dad. Out of anyone that includes those I don't actually know, probably Shane Dawson. He's a Mood, constantly. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Oh, plenty. I have like the most common white girl middle name out there. What did you have done the last time you saw a dentist? I had a cavity filled. What does a successful relationship look like to you? Both ends are happy, communication is ideal and easy for the pair, both feel loved and accepted fully, and each has healthy freedom. What do you like to put on your baked potato? The ordinary butter, cheese, and bacon bits. What field of science interests you the most? Genetics. What’s the closest shop or restaurant to your house? A Zaxby's and McDonald's are tied, being right across the street from each other. What was the most memorable birthday you’ve had? My 16th is the one I remember best, but not in a good way. What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? Our last house, aesthetically. Right in the woods and relatively pretty, yet simple. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah. Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? No. Do you know why your parents named you what they did? No. I think Mom just liked the name, though. What do you like to dip your fries in? Ketchup, mostly. Is your house clean or messy right now? It's actually really clean right now. We've had a lot of help around the house recently thanks to family and friends with Mom's cancer, and then I've been much neater and attentive to cleanliness than usual because 1.) it's my responsibility to ensure it is for Mom's health and 2.) I dropped out of school so literally have zero excuses to not be doing at least one productive thing. What was the last email you received? That wasn't trash, it was from my old major's dean in school. She was trying to comfort me and give me options on what to do versus leave, but yeah. I'll 100% give it to the school that they deeply and sincerely care for their students, I just needed to go. Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? lmao me. Well, depends, I guess, actually. I know when to keep my mouth shut in some situations. What’s your favourite kind of museum? Science museums. Especially those with d i n o z. Do you believe in alternate universes? I'm open to it, especially with the mandela effect theories, but I don't think so. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. What games do you play on your smart phone? Pokemon GO (if I'm in an area w/ Stops to get balls) and Dragons of Atlantis. What kinds of decorations do you put up at Halloween? We don't really decorate anymore for Halloween, or holidays in general. How many tabs do you have open right now? Two. What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? Try more sites to hopefully get a poem I wrote published, but that crippling fear of rejection tho. :^) What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? The time. Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah, I loved that as a kid. I’m guessing you’ve probably been asked this before, but which do you prefer - Coca Cola, or Pepsi? Coke. Pepsi is gross. Has your phone ever gone off in the middle of a class at school? No. Did you go to your school dances? Did you dance with anyone? Just two proms. We didn't dance tho because the music was shit. What’s your relationship with the last person you talked to on the phone? What was your conversation about? Like, talk-talked, no texting? Uhhh who was that. OH YEAH, my sister. My mom didn't answer her phone so she just called me to make sure she was okay. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner?
 No, I never do. It just adds oil to your hair, and mine is naturally oily enough. Do you have an item of clothing that reminds you of someone? Tell me about it, and the person it reminds you of. I have a lot, none positive. If the last girl you texted told you that she was pregnant, how would you respond? Ask her who the fuck I need to kill. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well considering 1.) she's past menopause and 2.) she has serious ovarian and Fallopian cancer, I'd say that's pretty impossible. Who do you have the most text messages from? Sara. The last time you skipped school, what was the reason?
 Uhhh if you mean "skip" as in I had seriously no realistic reason not to go, I think I was just really tired. I tried not to skip unless I was having serious mental health issues. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? I actually don't know who that would be. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I rarely sing. I just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yes. Does more than one person like you? *shrugs* Has your partner ever accused you of cheating, when you actually didn’t? No. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? Jason. Of course I do sometimes. Other times I know it's probably for the better we have nothing to do with each other anymore. Do you like your middle name?
 I mean it's pretty, but boy do I wish it was more original. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long? I doubt it will ever be long again. Would you consider your parents to be strict? Dad never was at all; Mom sorta was when I was little. Do you have a mirror in your room? On the back of my door. Have you ever worked in food service? No, thank God. Do you often stay in your pajamas all day? I almost always do, unless I have to go out somewhere. I pretty much never leave my house ever, forget just quarantine, so like... why make more laundry. What are three YouTube videos you would like to film soon? N/A Do you ever listen to country music? No. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. What’s the largest library fine you’ve ever had? Oh wow, no clue. I haven't been the library in millennia. Have you ever lost a library card? *shrugs* Name three literary characters you feel resemble you the most. UH yikes. This requires too much thought for me rn. Name three cartoon characters that resemble you, and say why. Ummmm I still don't know. Do you have a good doctor? I haven't seen her enough times yet to honestly say. Mom knows and likes her well, though. She's fine so far. Do you wear a watch every day? If so, what color is your watch? No, I never do. Does your phone alarm ever scare you? No, it's very peaceful. Which department store do you shop at the most? Wal-Mart. How old were you when you got your driver’s license? I'm 24 and am yet to have it. Do you have regrets? A good handful or two. Do you ever curl your hair? It's too short to do so. Do you know anyone who has coronavirus? No, and I pray I never do for my mom's sake. Out of all the big cities you’ve visited, which has/have been your favorite? Chicago is the only big city I've ever been it. Was pretty damn dope, though. Do you like dreamcatchers? I mean, they're cool. I don't believe in them being magical, though. Have you ever made a dreamcatcher, and if not, would you like to learn? No and no. Who was your high school’s biggest bully? I don't remember. What color was your graduation cap and gown? Red. Did you keep your graduation cap? I think I did. Did you decorate your graduation cap? Nope. What is your favorite part of nature? The animals within it. Do you use Photoshop? Yes. Favorite photo editing app on your phone? I don't have an editing app. Did you love or hate college? Well, considering I dropped out three times, guess. Favorite class in high school? Art. Favorite class in college? Idk. Probably Writing. Class you hated the most in high school? Math. Class you hated the most in college? Painting brought me the most stress. Do you know how to write in calligraphy? Not technically. Have you ever had a pen pal? No. Do you prefer brownies or cookies? Brownies. Man I could go for one. Favorite Girl Scout cookie? Those Reeses-ish ones. Did you ever go camping as a kid? No. Do you have hormone issues? No. Have you ever gotten a misdiagnosis because your parent(s) lied about you? Er, no? A shitty doctor has misdiagnosed me, though. Which Barbie doll was your favorite? I didn't even know there were "types"... Do you wake up to an alarm? No. When did you go to bed yesterday? Like, 8-something... I rarely make it past 9:30 nowadays. Do you live in a city, town, or in the country? The country. What color is your toothbrush? White. When was the last time you had a nightmare? Yesterday while I was napping. Woke up shrieking and scared Mom out of her skin. Tainted my mood almost the rest of the day. If you had a terminal illness, would you want to know? No shit I would. What was the last thing someone called you other than your real name? I don't know. If you could meet anyone who lived before your time, who would it be? I have no clue. Is there a candle in the room you are in? No. Are you currently taking any prescribed medication? More than I like. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medications for it? Yes and yes. Who was the last person you felt you were wasting your time on? I don't know. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? A suicide attempt. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? Ugh. If a random person were to look through the photos on your phone, is there anything you’d be embarrassed about? No. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No no no no. I need a reason to leave the house. I'm way more productive away from home anyway. What were you like in middle school? "The weird kid" describes it pretty well. If you could give one charity a million dollars, what charity would you donate money to? YIKES!!!! Now that's a question. Probably something for suicide prevention/awareness. What is something you’re surprised hasn’t been invented yet? The cure for cancer. It's incredible, just how many "possible" cures have been identified in nature, yet you like... hear NOTHING about it afterwards??? My conspiratory and "the medical industry just cares more about money" ass wonders about that a lot. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity or The Rite. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? No. And probably not. What one thing has always bothered you, but seems to bother no one else? Hm. I'm sure there's something. Do you still own a VCR and VHS tapes? No, pretty sure they've all been sold. Did you ever build furniture forts as a child? Yep. What kind of dog is your favorite? Pretty sure I'm biased towards beagles. Are the majority of your friends male or female? Female, I think? Have you ever considered dropping acid? Noooo sir. Would you consider yourself to be mature? Mostly. Describe your music style: I like unique alternative stuff. Catchy, heavy riffs do me in easily, too. I like well thought out, dark, and impactful lyrics. Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? Not very. Have you ever had a seizure? No. When was the last time you were in a hospital? For myself, 2017. I think. Do you go on vacations a lot? I never do. Are you self-conscious around other people? Very. At your workplace, are you required to wear a uniform? N/A Have you ever witnessed a physical fight in real life? Huh, good question actually. What was your GPA in high school? 4.2/3 or something. Do you use a lot of hair products? I don't use any. I mean, besides shampoo. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent at one time? My own money, I think $300 on a tattoo. What is the best pizza place out there? Domino's. I'm such a basic bitch. Do you know how to play any odd instruments most people can’t play? Nope. When was the last time you used a disposable camera? I think the zoo visit in 5th grade. What is your favorite book series, if you have one? Can't say I really have one. It definitely used to be Warriors by Erin Hunter, but I haven't read any in maaaaaany years. Do you have any celebrity autographs? Nah. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? Just black. Admit it – you want a Snuggie. What design/color? I got a black one one Christmas, lol. They're honestly not all that great. Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theater? THE THEATER. I actually enjoy watching movies in the theater. It's just the vibe, I guess, and the size of the screen so you take in everything. How many songs does your iTunes have? Just over 1k. Its memory is maxed out, oof, so if I want a new song, I have to thin the library out. Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before? I've been taking showers more often in the morning, lately. It's a nice, refreshing start to the day. I'm just too tired and unmotivated to at night. Who’s your youngest teacher? N/A When’s the last time you had a rock, paper, scissors match? Wow, no clue. What’s your favorite anime? Fullmetal Alchemist. Did you cry when Ash let his Butterfree go with the other Butterfrees? Oh I probably did, but THEN AGAIN, the female was FUCKIN PINK so I'm sure I was also happy for Butterfree lmao. Even as a kiddo, I knew pink was The Shit. Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans? Skinny, ripped ones. What are you excited for? Just honestly, nothing in the even remotely near future. Nothing in my life is exciting rn. Are you part of the Farmville cult? Never played. Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? YIKES besides like, small puddles, definitely not. I'd be scared to. Which person from way back when would you love to hang out with? Jenna, an old best friend, came to mind first here. It'd be great to catch up with her. She called me in the hospital after my suicide attempt despite not talking in absolutely forever, and I'm never going to forget that. Does your family use a real pine tree or a plastic one for Christmas? Plastic. Literally the only positive of the real ones is the smell. Otherwise, it's a mess that dies too quickly. Do you have any foreign exchange students at your school? N/A What’s your second language? I'm not fluent in it, definitely not anymore, but the language I took for four semesters was German. Is it uncomfortable for you to take showers in glass stalls w/out curtains? OH MY GOD I would positively hate that. Even IF I had a decent body. Did you understand Shakespeare? I was alright. What was the last shot you got? It was a numbing agent into my gums. They had to do it like... seven times. Apparently, I'm just like. Really hard to numb. Ever gotten cavities? Yeah. Do you use hair ties as bracelets? I don't even wear hair ties. What was the last school project you did that you couldn’t wait to turn in? Uhhh... I don't remember. Have you ever graded papers? I actually have; I was helping a teacher on work day. I used to go back to my elementary school a lot to visit my favorite teachers. What was your favorite year of school up to this point? Maybe like, junior year of high school? Or senior. I don't remember which one of those I enjoyed more. I just remember I loved my art class, I had great grades, my relationship was strong, yada yada. What’s the latest you’ve ever woken up? Like 5-6 PM. Had a busy night and that evening was a complete panic attack because my system was so thrown off. One thing I DON'T miss from high school: how bad my anxiety was. Can you recite the alphabet backwards? NOOOO I cannot. Like, at all. Are you a sucker for foreign accents? Some, yes. Do you do yoga? Not anymore.

[artificialqueens]

Just A Rebound Chapter 4 (Biadore)- Mermaid Tail and Wild Thursdays

Wild Thursday’s A/N: I’m so grateful that Mermaid Tail encouraged me to get back into writing! It’s been so good for my own personal well-being and I’ve missed expressing myself creatively in this way. Bianca and Adore continue to inspire me to live life to the fullest and to have self belief and self confidence. It’s something that I’ll hold dearly. Thank you to all of those who read my work and have patience even when I’m away for a long time. I appreciate all of the messages and comments and likes ❤️

Mermaid Tail’s A/N: I’m so glad I managed to nag Wild Thursday’s enough to write again because it means I get to work on this fabulous fic again. This fic means so much more than just a piece of fanfiction to me, the Bianca and Adore we have morphed into this fic, the setting, the storyline and the collaboration is a part of me. This is one of my favourite chapter’s yet, so in MT tradition, sit back, grab your cup of tea and enjoy. Until next time…❤

Roy slowly went through the closet, trying to find a half decent shirt to wear. He sighed slowly, he had excitedly planned each outfit according to his holiday itinerary with Jonathan, every night out, meal and day out had been carefully planned. Roy had always been meticulously organised, Jonathan had teased him for it mercilessly. The dull pain of heartache still wouldn’t budge but it almost didn’t seem as painful anymore. It had dulled out.

The thought of going out with Danny had given Roy a boost. The young receptionist was most certainly a welcome distraction from the broken feeling that seemed to be Roy’s new normal. He knew he could just relax and for a single moment, it felt like old days.

After pondering which shirt would look best on him. Roy pulled out his favourite, it was a light blue, fashionably faded, a little edgier than anything that Roy usually wore. But then again, Roy didn’t usually go out to karaoke bars with young musicians on Greek Islands. He had just pulled the shirt over his head leaving his top button undone when he heard a knock.

Roy froze. Just for a second, even for him to recognise the familiar feeling of adrenaline pumping through his body. Roy stared at himself in the mirror, what on earth was wrong with him. His head was thumping as he heard the gentle rat-a-tat-tat of Danny’s fist, tap on his hotel room door.

He shook himself out of it quickly. Remember Roy this is just drinks, he reminded himself that  it would be super casual, he would have a couple of fire whiskeys and head back to his hotel room in just a few hours and pass out. He probably wouldn’t remember most of it, and the headache would distract him from his heart. Win win.

Roy shook his body, getting rid of all of the nerves, forcing himself out of this weird trance of adrenaline and opened the door.

Danny was stood at the door, a bottle of champagne in one hand with a smooth smile plastered across his lips. The top of Danny’s hair was long, a little messy and untamed, his stubble was the perfect length to still give a look of sexiness and polish. Roy couldn’t help but marvel at how beautiful this young man was. He’d already established that the man was easy on the eyes, but God was he starting to see it all differently. But with these feelings of desire also came guilt - guilt that he was even looking at another man in a romantic or sexual way. Roy had never dared look at another man when he was with Jonathan, in any way because Jonathan had commanded that he always be at the centre of Roy’s affections.

‘Aren’t you going to let me in then Mr Haylock? Room service.’ Danny winked, he couldn’t get rid of the teasing tone in his voice. It drove Roy crazy.

‘Ah yes I’ve been expecting you, a little late aren’t we?’ Roy teased back as he let Danny walk into the room. Danny didn’t need telling to make himself at home, he knew every one of these hotel rooms like it was his own house - truth be told this wasn’t the first time he’d been fraternizing with guests.

Although this time it was different. This was purely platonic, or at least that’s what Roy was desperately trying to convince himself. Danny would never want anyone to feel as though he had taken advantage of someone in their moment of despair. It was also the first time Danny had risked his job and stole one of the most expensive bottles of champagne from the stores in the basement of the hotel, but Roy was worth it and hopefully by the time anyone noticed, Danny would be a professional musician, long gone. It wasn’t exactly used often, with prices well into the thousands.

‘What are we celebrating?’ Roy pointed towards the champagne, eyeing the label - ‘Ace of Spades’, on this occasion it seemed fitting.

‘Well’ Danny pondered, throwing himself on the bed and crossing his legs like a child in their class assembly. ‘We’re celebrating the end of the dickhead era.’

Roy couldn’t help but laugh, laughter truly was the greatest medicine. Twenty odd years of being Bianca Del Rio had taught him that. The fact that Danny made him laugh so easily made his heart jump a little. It’s like he knew him.

‘Who’s to say that you’re not going to date another dickhead. What’s in this for you music man?’

Danny blushed as Roy referenced his half hearted attempts at a music career, shocked he even remembered, as he tried to scramble to get some words together to respond.

‘I guess I’ll have to learn from your mistakes and date someone like you and not your ex.’ Danny stammered, his face just almost turning a shade of beetroot as he realised what he had said.

Roy immediately recognised the young man’s discomfort, he had never made to make Danny feel uncomfortable. Truthfully he was flattered that anyone would ever want to date him - after all he was now damaged goods. Especially someone as young and attractive as Danny.

“You’re not ruined. You can’t be over yet.” Danny reassured “there’s a lot more to come for you.”

“You sound so sure.” Roy trailed.

“I am. I’m a little psychic you know. My powers are telling me that you’re a beautiful man and you deserve the best.” Danny looked up at Roy shyly and their gaze met just for a second.

Roy couldn’t help but laugh at the young man and his supposed supernatural abilities. Danny felt himself relax as Roy’s booming cackle bounced around the hotel room. They both felt weirdly at home together. Danny saw Roy’s hand rest on the table and wanted nothing more than to reach out to him and intertwine it with his own. Danny had to remind himself that this was just a fantasy of his own mind.

Roy had perked up a little at Danny’s kind words. He sipped on the rest of the champagne, finishing his glass and prompting Danny to swoop into action and top it up from the bottle. He looked up at Danny and smiled beautifully at Danny’s instinctual action. Their eyes met as Danny tipped the bottle.

“So, where are you taking me, music man?” Danny swore that Roy leaned in slightly closer as he said this, the look in his eyes made him suppress a shudder.

“You already know, my karaoke bar. It’s on the beach front, it's…’ Danny paused, he had almost said romantic, but almost immediately he had remembered that Roy must be in a lot of pain right now and so Danny held himself back.

“It’s a beautiful place.” Danny immediately corrected himself.

‘Well we better get down there then, I need a fucking margarita right now.’ Roy got up and collected his things. ‘This better be a good night’ He added, chuckling at the slightly apprehensive expression on Danny’s face.

Danny really wanted this to be a good night, he really wanted it to end well. Whatever that may mean.

The two men left the hotel room and headed into the sunset for a night on the beach.

[jujuoh]

I never actually posted the little story behind the demon/priest flareshipping thing did I? I was just gonna type out something short and quick but the details got away from me. tl;dr seto becomes a priest to look for mokuba, summons atem for help and accidentally summons yugi too. the nun garbs are easier to hide the horns, tails, and wings under while they help him.

It’s like, not quite modern day, just far enough ago that travelling from Japan to Europe would generally be done by boat and land bc there were no planes. 

circa 1875 CE, Japan, Meiji Restoration

Seto and Mokuba still get sent to an orphanage, and Mokuba gets adopted by a visiting Englishman without Seto, who tells him to go with and that he promises to find him, because it would be a better life than staying in the orphanage. 

Seto almost ages out of the system when some travelling missionaries happen to come through town, but secretly they’re actually demon hunters/exorcists on a mission (though of course every country has their own ways of dealing with demons, sometimes if the demons are foreign, they need foreign magic to help stop them. In this instance, a coastal city in Japan was having issues with Scottish kelpies of all things. Wherever they went, they teamed up with the local demon hunters as well). The group stopped by the orphanage both to keep up appearances but also scout for talent, and catch wind of a really smart, stubborn kid named Seto who sounds like a perfect apprentice. 

Seto agrees to go with them because they can promise to take him to Europe where he can search for his little brother. He finds out later about the demon hunter thing but doesn’t believe them, until he watches them do their job - unless a demon wants to be seen, it can’t be, unless you force-reveal or see it with magic of some sort. The power (both magical and influential), the control, and the ability to help people (though he won’t admit it) attracts him and he eagerly begins learning. Though he tends to feel like if the person is a douchebag they deserve their demon problem (his guardians try to teach it out of him to varying degrees of success)

It takes ages to get to Europe, and they do missions (from angels, messages from the vatican, towns they pass where there are problems they can solve, a few memorable times from other demons), and teach him along the way - surprisingly about many different religions, not just catholicism, as well as many different languages which he picks up quickly. The lessons about different demons and magic and curses were the most interesting: different places in the world have different supernatural beings, matching up with the different religious stories and mythology, and so of course they needed different magicks and tactics to defeat, release, or otherwise overcome. They attempted regular schooling too but Seto was already at or above their levels, so instead they taught him everything they knew. They taught him how to sew and weave, how to shoe a horse, fix a boat, cook, clean, among various other things.

circa 1880 CE, Europe, second industrial revolution

Thus, the whole trip takes quite a while. Seto is twenty by the time they actually make it to Europe, and while the time taken frustrates him, he knows it was safer and cheaper to do it this way, rather than try to get the money by himself and travel alone. That, and all the magic he would’ve never known.

Once he’s there, he travels along with them for a bit, trying to find leads to the family that has his little brother, but once they need to be sent out to different countries and continents again, he begins to travel alone. Sometimes he spends up to nearly a few months in one place, taking care of a big problem.

On his own, Seto learns that demons themselves are much more complex than he was originally taught - in terms of individuality, motivations, social hierarchy, and ven morality. He meets demons better than most people, and people worse than most demons. Some spirits are just mischievous, and people lie about how much damage they’ve done. He ends up capturing demons sometimes in order to study or interview them before banishing them or letting them go. He rarely actually destroys any unless they’re particularly bad. He also gets closer to some of the angelic messengers, and decides all angels are mildly to viciously annoying, especially the one named Joseph and his friend Tristan. 

Eventually he gets frustrated with his total lack of progress and commits a taboo - he summons a demon himself. The book of spells he borrows from a local boy - Japanese like himself but raised here in England. He has white hair and claims to be a psychic, the ghost of his little sister following him around the occultish store, stocked by things his father brings back from travels that can’t go into the museum. Seto knows better by now than to doubt him.

He accidentally summons two. He refuses to place the blame on himself for not calculating things perfectly, and calls it a fluke of magic.

circa 1300 BCE, Egypt, middle New Kingdom

Atem had been a prince in Egypt, destined to be a greater pharaoh (and a greater man) than his father, but his traitorous uncle killed him on the eve of his coronation, just after the mourning period for his father was over. The magic interacted with his own, and with the artifact he wore, and with whatever divine influence the gods deemed to throw his way, and instead of going through the trails of the afterlife to enter the duat and be reborn again, he became a being of shadows and magic itself. Little did the uncle know that he would fall and be torn down by another boy wanting revenge just the next day.

It took Atem a long time to come to terms with what happened, and even longer to learn how to use and control his powers. By the time he could return to his home, too much time had gone by. Everywhere he went people spoke as the sea people spoke, foreign rulers by the name of Ptolemy sat on the throne, temples and statues were decimated or else reclaimed by these others in place of their original deities. Everyone and everything he’d known and loved were long gone. Upset, he travelled the worlds above and below. As is his nature, when he found something unjust, he did his best to set things right. As is his new nature, he judged by luring the accused into games to test their hearts.

He stays mostly solitary for nearly 3000 years - not entirely by his own choice, but by circumstance. He’s old and powerful and appeared out of nowhere, and other beings of all kinds are wary of him. Until he comes upon a sweet, hurting boy named Yugi who asks to be his friend.

circa 1820 CE, Japan, near the end of the Edo period

Yugi is very smart, and very small, and very nice. His niceness often gets taken advantage of, and his size makes it easy to pick on him. If he fought back, maybe they’d leave him alone, but he hates hurting anyone. His grandfather, a merchant, always tries to convince Yugi to stand up for himself. Yugi doesn’t listen. He gets sadder and more reclusive by the year, until he barely looks anyone in the eyes anymore, even his own mother as she helps bandage him up from the latest “game” that horrible group of older kids “played” with him.

In an effort to cheer up his grandson, Sugoroku gives him a golden puzzle from a far away land. He’d been hoping to make big money off it, but they were well-enough off as is, and his grandson’s happiness mattered more than some extra coins in his pocket. He’d known the puzzle was difficult, but it takes even Yugi years to complete it. Years of suffering, and growing, and learning. His grandfather worries. Yugi is of course interested in taking over Sugoroku’s business, and already assists him greatly, but without being able to stand up for himself the boy will have trouble in the world. He worries as well about revealing the truth to Yugi - the truth that Sugoroku is himself a demon, and so his son, and so is Yugi, though to a much lesser extent since Yugi’s mother is human.

When Yugi completes the puzzle, it immediately summons a disoriented and shocked Atem to his side. Cue screaming and yelling from both of them, a rather hilarious scene of Yugi chucking the puzzle at Atem’s head reflexively before hiding behind an upturned table. Atem, freaked out by what just happened, also takes cover behind a screen. He’d never been summoned like THAT before, it felt completely different to a summoning circle or a prayer or anything else, and certainly never by someone who immediately started screaming at him. 

Tentatively, after the dust settles, Yugi peeks out from behind the table. Atem hears him shifting and peaks out as well. More silence. Yugi tries to come to terms that he’s summoned what appears to be a demon. Atem tries to come to terms with how cute the screaming young man is. Yugi clears his throat and offers a shaky greeting. Atem falls in love.

Eventually they end up in the middle of the cleaned up room, sitting on the floor, having a somewhat stilted conversation. Atem fiddles with the puzzle - what was once his magical artifact - sitting on his lap. There had been no contract, no promise, no injustice to either force or encourage Atem to stay, but he couldn’t find it in himself to leave. By the time it was dark outside, the two of them were laughing together, munching on the snacks Yugi had made while preparing dinner for his grandfather and mother, who were on their way back home from a day trip to the big markets. The knife Yugi’s using to chop the vegetables slips and slices open the base of his thumb, and while it’s not deep the pain surprises him. Atem automatically reaches out to gasp the injured appendage. This is the first time they’ve touched.

The sheer power released by Atem touching Yugi’s hand awakened Yugi’s latent demonic side, and it takes Atem a while to calm him down. The new little horns, and long ears, and wings, and tail... it was a lot to take in. Sugoroku and Ayame come home to find a delicious dinner and two demons waiting for them. It doesn’t bother them nearly as much as Yugi thought, and he finally learns the truth from his sheepish grandfather. Ayame is annoyed he’d stopped from from trying to tell him sooner, because now look what happened, you silly old man.

Atem, regardless of his feelings, didn’t want to tie the young demon down to such an old and feared one like himself, and intended to leave as soon as he knew Yugi was in good hands. But, he can’t just let Sugoroku teach him - even for a demon, he was quite old in body while Atem remained young (another thing people found terrifying, for just how much power did Atem have to appear naturally young after 3000 years?), so he stayed and helped train Yugi. Yugi did everything he could to impress Atem, not even realising his own feelings for a good while; once he did, he redoubled his efforts and became even more mischievous and flirty. Eventually, Atem couldn’t take it any longer and confessed, and they were bonded.

Seto was only trying to summon an ancient demon by the name of Atem, a solver of puzzles and bringer of justice, both to help him look for Mokuba using demonic magic and to possibly learn from him. Seto also gets Atem’s equally tiny boyfriend, Yugi, who is not even nearly ancient but quite older than Seto, a fact that irks him greatly as they’re both shorter than he was at age 12.

But, they’re both so, so clever. And so, so... hard to resist. He wants to hate it, wants to believe they’re magically influencing him somehow, but he’s too confident in his abilities to believe it.

Seto enters a joint contract with them (though Yugi was willing to help even without one, but it has it’s benefits). Together, they hunt down particularly nasty pests and find major leads to Mokuba. And fall in love, of course. 

[sacredarts-blog1]

heyyy! i was ich wondering about this guy T that I have a crush on and if you see any interest from side? At this point we‘re well acquainted with some banter every now and then and we know each other from childhood, which leads me to believe that he judges me on my actions from when I didn‘t know any better.. I‘m not sure what type of reading would best fit my question, so if that‘s okay, can I let you decide? 😊 If not, I think I‘ll choose tarot? 😕🤷🏻‍♀️ -A 💕

Awwwww this is one of the cutest asks I ever got! You made me smile A, so I’ll do all I can to see what I can do for you!!

Okay. I know it’s “only a crush” and you only want to know how T actually feels about you, but I feel called to do my own tweaked version of the Celtic Cross Tarot reading for you. There’s a lot to unpack, so bear with me! There are 11 cards in total.

Significator: 8 of Wands (Reversed)

Key words: Quick Action, Conclusion, News

This card represents You in the reading, and every single card after it will be referred back to this. For you, it is reversed. You are restless and jumping to conclusions. It feels like a firework going off - bright and colourful and loud and beautiful one second, and then fading into darkness in just a few instants. Perhaps this feeling you have for T feels like fireworks. Once it’s up in the air, there is no stopping it. This card also represents the arrows of love, but because it is reversed, it indicates pangs of jealousy instead.

Cover: 9 of Cups

Key words: Wish Fulfillment, Satisfaction, Sensual Pleasure

This card gives the influence which is affecting you and the matter of inquiry generally, this is the atmosphere in which everything else works. So this card is all about satisfying your desires and fulfilling your wishes. The Significator and the Cover oppose each other in this manner, because the nature of your passion does not allow for a conclusion. That is, you are not satisfied. You long for something more continuous, something which fills you up, rather than sporadic and sudden flashes which do nothing but frustrate your heart and leave you thirsty. These feelings are teasing you and it’s almost cruel tbh.

Cross: The World

Key words: Integration, Accomplishment, Involvement, Fulfillment

The Cross represents the nature of the obstacle, that which is in your way from getting what you want. Whatever the card pops up for this will tell you how serious your obstacle is, if it’s working in your favour or not.

It’s really interesting to me that you got The World card for this one. Not only is it Major Arcana, but it also gives a whole new level to the previous card, 9 of Cups. This is a transcendent type of fulfillment, where everything in your life connects together, and there is a moment of perfection and harmony. I think that’s where your frustration lies. The fact that you knew T since childhood. If you were to be together, it would represent the beginning and the end, the past reconciling with the present to create a joint future… It is this integration, this type of happiness, that is really needed. It transcends the feelings of sensuality or passion or desire. Perhaps it’s not just a crush, but destiny? Does that scare you? Do you see the rest of your life with T? Because he might be a lot more serious about what he wants than just being a couple. If you feel he is judging you for the past, this may be the reason.

Crown: Knight of Cups

Key words: Romance, Imagination, Sensitivity, Refinement, Introspection

The crowning card represents your ideal, the best case scenario you hope for, based on what you’re aiming for now.

You got Knight of Cups for this one, and I feel this represents T, or at least the way You see him. Knight of Cups would be a water sign - Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. This Knight represents the chivalry and romance associated with tales of noble knights. He’s the one who will sing songs as he rides on his beautiful white horse, who will rescue damsels in distress, and fight to defend the innocent and the vulnerable. To be able to protect the ones he loves is why he became a knight in the first place. He is poetic and empathetic. I see him as someone who would rather hold a bunch of flowers than a sword, or a guitar instead of a shield. However, he’s anything but a coward or a “softie”. He’s both a lover and a fighter. He will fight for love, but will never love the fight.

Foundation: Temperance

Key words: Balance, Health, Combining

This card represents the soil from which it all sprouted, as it were. This is the past, that which has already occurred and developed into what it is now. I see it as the seed of what was.

Temperance card here suggests that you and T balanced well with each other. The differences and the similarities between you were combined into something that felt comfortable, trustworthy and like a relief from all the uncertainty and chaos of other relationships. It affected how you conducted yourself, how you interacted with your environment and the types of decisions you made. You just meshed well. This is from where it all began.

Past: 6 of Pentacles

Key words: Giving/Receiving, Having/Not Having, Resources, Knowledge, Power

This card represents that which has recently occurred for you, or something that is passing away now. 6 of Pentacles is a funny card to get for this one - especially considering the nature of this reading. Someone here is giving, and someone is receiving. Are you the one who has what you want? Or are you the one begging to have a little of what someone else has? I feel there is an imbalance here. Pentacles is associated with material possessions, of the physical, also health and time. This is a card of inequality, and is full of mixed feelings. Were you dependent on T for anything? Or was he dependent on you?

Future: Queen of Cups (Reversed)

Key words: Loving, Tender Heart, Intuitive, Psychic, Spiritual

This is the card of the near future, which is already coming into action or will happen very soon. I got the Queen of Cups (reversed) for you, which to me would represent you (along with the significator). As it is a Queen of Cups, it’s associated with the water signs of Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. Reversed, this woman becomes self-destructive, gives up on her heart’s desire, and reacts dramatically and out of a place of deep hurt and fear. She sees many things in her cup, many visions in her dreams, and her fears and intuition are too muddled up in her heart for her to be able to tell what’s what anymore. Someone who indulges too deeply in her fantasies, and may also have addictive tendencies which end up disconnecting her from reality, disabling her ability to think clearly.

The arrows of love are doing more damage than good to you at this time. They look beautiful on their way to you, but burn out as soon as they touch you, and then sizzle out and cause you pain. However, if T is also a Knight of Cups, and a watery person like you, there’s no reason you can’t make it work. If that’s true, then he would be able to understand and empathize with your feelings. I think it should come easily. The important part is to listen to your heart and your feelings, rather than letting passion and desire have its way with you.

Action: Ace of Swords

Key words: Mental Force, Truth, Justice, Triumph

The Action card here directly comes back to the Significator - that is you. It shows your position and attitude towards what’s happening now. You are taking this chance and moment of clarity to think things through to reach a logical decision and get to the actual truth. It seems like you don’t normally feel like this. I see a vision like the rays of the sun piercing through a dark raincloud, and for a moment it’s calm and quiet, though any moment the rain will come back. You want to set the record straight, you’ve had enough of the unfairness between you. This is a powerful card, and signifies swift action.

Environment: The Emperor

Key words: Structure, Authority, Regulation, Establishment

This card signifies the environment which is influencing you right now, and which affects your views on the matter. The Emperor’s role is to create order out of chaos, to set firm guidelines and to direct the course of the future. You may be somewhere in life right now where everything has its allocated time and place, a sense of order and predictability with things, except for this - your relations with T. You are being driven to sort it out.

Hopes: Page of Cups

Key words: Emotional, Intuitive, Loving, Intimate

This card is to me the quintessential representation of a crush, as well as curiosity, innocence and playfulness. It’s cute and sweet - like the feeling I got when I read your message!! This card represents your hope - an offer to a romantic relationship, and a hope for reciprocation. You hope for some kind of message from his end. This card doesn’t necessarily mean you will get what you hope for, but energy flows where attention goes, so they say…

Outcome: The Tower

Key words: Sudden Change, Release, Downfall, Revelation

This final card represents the outcome if things go as they are going right now. What everything is leading up to. When I saw this card, and The Tower, I couldn’t help but connect it back to You as the Queen of Cups - which is the near future. Whatever it is you’re manifesting right now. Everything else seems to be going well, but for the Queen and the final outcome. But then, such is the nature of The Tower… This Major Arcana card signifies sudden changes and revelations, a flash of insight. But this means that the reaction will not be pretty - it will end in disaster. You will realize the truth about what’s really going on between you and T, whatever he really thinks and feels. At this time I cannot tell you if it’s positive or negative. I can only caution you not to do anything drastic right now. I liked the energy of Ace of Swords, which represents your need for action and truth. But this is somehow sensitive… It’s as if the Queen got drunk, took a sword and started waving it around. I feel the three of them - near future, action and outcome are directly related. If you want to stop the tower from happening, then I advise you to study The Emperor and really focus on that instead. The arrows of desire are provoking you but I’d hate to see them make you do something you’ll regret…

Whew! I enjoyed that! I hope you found it helpful and relatable! I’d like to hear from you again A, and best of luck with T :)

donations

[breakingdownsu]

Rush Job

Orthoclase is summoned to repair a very badly damaged pearl for a mystery client. She does her best, but it may be beyond even her skills as a remodeler.

Note: So I finally got around to watching the new episodes. I'm starting to think either I am ever so slightly psychic, really tuned into a zeitgeist or someone on the SU crew is reading my fics (and that is a possibility that makes me shudder a bit). Either way, I had to write this while the thought is still in my head and I have a scrap of free time.

PS: Previous reading of my Orthoclase-and-Pearl shorts is advised to make sense of this fic. Although anyone reading the Chorus fic will know Orthoclase's pearl as Ginger, this fic takes place a good few thousand years before she was named and so she is referred to as Pearl here. Hope it's not confusing.

…..

The call came in close to the end of the cycle, just as Orthoclase was reconditioning her tools in a lye bath and Pearl finishing up the latest sets of schematics. The message was from an Aquamarine three districts away, a gem that often put through jobs by proxy.

“How urgent is this, exactly?” Orthoclase asked once she had the Aquamarine onscreen. “I charge extra for latecomers, you know that.”

“It's extremely time sensitive,” Aquamarine told her.

There was something odd in Aquamarine's stance. She was as well known for her discretion as Orthoclase herself was, and was noted for being calm and stoic. She seemed rattled. It was alarming, to say the least.

“It's worth forty thousand credits if you can fix it,” Aquamarine continued.

“Forty thousand?” Orthoclase scoffed. “They could buy a new pearl for that much. Top of the range one, even. This a military operation?”

“I am not at liberty to say,” Aquamarine said. “Will you take it or not?”

“Sure I'll take it,” Orthoclase said with a shrug. “You got me curious. Drop it off at the fifth rendezvous...”

“No, we can't let it be done in your workshop. We have a location. I'll send the co-ordinates.”

With that, she was gone. Orthoclase sighed, flopped across the couch and started polishing one of her blades in earnest.

“'I'm not at liberty to say,” she scoffed. “Imperious little shingle.”

“What do you think you'll need?” Pearl asked. She was already packing a bag for Orthoclase.

“I say bring everything,” Orthoclase said. “You might as well come with me. It sounds like this is going to be a tricky one.”

…..

Tricky was a vast understatement.

After journeying to the other side of the city, through some very rough areas, they had been picked up by a private luger with the windows blacked out so they couldn't see where they were going or who was driving them. They were let out in a huge empty facility (if she had to guess, Orthoclase thought it might have been one of the pre-zoatox war ship hangars) and to top it all off, Aquamarine wasn't even there.

A Morganite stood in the middle of the darkened hall, nervously shuffling in front of a table covered with a tarp. Orthoclase scanned her carefully; excellent posture inconsistent with military service, neatly dressed, hair pinned severely back, almost too pristine. This was someone's caretaker, or assistant. Someone very high up in Homeworld's chain of command.

“Thank you for agreeing to do this,” she began by way of a greeting.

“I haven't seen what you want me to do yet,” Orthoclase said, declining to shake her hand. “I may not be able to do anything.”

“I've been told you're the best,” Morganite said, brandishing a tablet. “The forty thousand was a starting price. If you can help us, I'll double it.”

Orthoclase whistled. That was a lot of money for one job, even a difficult one. Someone was desperate.

“All right, might as well take a look...” she said, lifting the tarp.

She put it down again a parsec later.

“Yeah, I can't fix this,” she said, consciously blocking Pearl's view with her body even though the tarp was down. “I'm good, I'm not that good.”

“It doesn't need to be perfect. Functional will do,” Morganite responded.

“Functional?” Orthoclase laughed scornfully. “I have no idea what's even holding it together anymore! What in Core's name happened to it?”

“That is not to be discussed.”

“Right, whatever. Point is, it would be a lot easier to just get a new pearl and disguise it as this one, and  send what's left of this one for processing. Cheaper, too.”

“No,” Morganite said firmly. “The owner is adamant she wants to keep this one. And she will know if it's replaced.”

“I'm telling you, I can't do anything with this. It's too damaged. Anything I do will be purely cosmetic, and even that's not saying much. If it has any function at all, it's probably fried.”

“Please, at least try.”

Orthoclase rubbed her temples.

If I reroute the nacre channels....

No, it's beyond help.

But if I just cut some of the functions, it wouldn't need so much...

I'd be building it all over again, but worse.

Eighty thousand credits.

She glanced over at Pearl, who was standing in place serenely holding the bag with all of her operating tools.

“I'll try,” she said, after wrestling with herself once more. “But I can't promise anything.”

The Morganite looked so relieved she was on the verge of tears.

…..

It had probably been a very nice pearl, once. Nice clean palette, although all-white was a bit austere for some gems' liking. The two little buns on the side of its head were a cute whimsical touch, its owner was probably a young gem.

And looking at the mess that had been made of its internals, Orthoclase had to conclude it was a young gem. All gems could be careless but only the recently hatched were so callous. The pearl's inner channels were scrambled and full of knots, which meant its owner had pulled them out and pushed them back in again for some reason. They had to be individually removed, untangled and sewn back in.

As Pearl held out her arms to act as a bridge for the untangling process, Orthoclase put out her theories.

“Reverse engineering, maybe? Someone wanting to set up a distillery on the down low?”

“Unlikely,” Pearl said in response. “They would have started with the head.”

“That's if they knew what they were doing,” Orthoclase grunted, laying three arteries across Pearl's arms. “Which they clearly did not.”

“I agree.”

As they progressed down the pearl's body, Orthoclase hit a chunk of something and pulled it out with her forceps.

“Hm. Looks like a chunk of its gem,” she said, wiping the nacre from the jagged surface. “What's it doing in the stomach cavity?”

“Perhaps an attempt at fusing that went wrong?”

Orthoclase chuckled. Even the stupidest of gems knew pearls weren't capable of fusion. Still, it would account for the damage done to this pearl if some gem had decided to muck around and try to make two pearls fuse. Maybe it would have even outright destroyed the other one.

When it came to the pearls' finer motor and cognitive functions, most of the nerves that held those pieces together were snapped or fried. The part that controlled speech was black, and it crumbled when Orthoclase tried to remove it, careful as she was. She kept sneaking glances at Pearl, to see if she was in any way distressed. It was by far the most damaged pearl they had ever worked with.

But she seemed fine. Even covered in the other pearl's bleeding nacre, holding a network of body parts in her arms, she stared resolutely ahead, waiting to be of use.

“Huh,” Orthoclase said as they were just sewing things back in. “This doesn't look right...”

She tapped on the setting of the pearl's gem with her blade.

“There's no indent,” Pearl suggested.

“Exactly! It's like it's been bolted on...”

She prodded the gem a little more, and watched the pearl twitch in response. The gem felt loose. If it had been bolted on, it was a sloppy job. Gems shouldn't move when touched.

“That explains the eye, then,” Pearl said quietly.

Orthoclase hummed grimly in agreement. The eye was a lost cause completely. The current that ran from the pearl's gem through its body had burned the eye to a crisp, leaving scorched fissures in the eye socket and across the forehead. If the gem was supposed to be in the forehead, that wouldn't have happened.

“This isn't even a bad remodel job,” Orthoclase muttered. “Some stupid gem just decided to try and move their pearl's gem placement. What kind of slag-addled clod does a thing like that?”

…..

When she was finished, Orthoclase advised that the pearl was only capable of very basic tasks and should be replaced as soon as possible. The Morganite didn't seem disappointed in the job she had done, she gladly parted with the promised eighty thousand credits.

“You will speak of this to no-one,” she said before she closed the luger door on them.

“Who would I tell?” Orthoclase scoffed as they were driven away. “Who'd ever believe me that someone was stupid enough to try and move a pearl's gem?”

Pearl didn't respond. She stared at the blackened window until they were dropped at their meeting point. All the way back to the workshop, she didn't say a single word.

When she walked past all the schematic work she had yet to finish and past all of the tools she usually sterilized after an operation, straight to the back room of the workshop and under the table she'd first hidden under when Orthoclase removed her spike, Orthoclase let her go without comment. Clearly it had distressed her a lot more than she would ever let on.

Even Orthoclase herself couldn't suppress a shudder, thinking of the pearl's scorched eye and the fissures burned into its face.

What kind of gem would even think to do such a thing?