#i got diagnosed with adhd after highschool

[thefallenangel2008]

Finally... After 5 days... I finished it... Fucking finally.

The Cipher family

This is an art piece I made for my take of the Relativity Falls AU. So here is the Cipher family!

And here's some info below~~~

Steve Pyramid/Cipher:

- He was adopted by Scalene and Euclid Cipher when he was really young due to the fact that they couldn't have kids.

- 20 years old.

- Still lives with their parents.

- His bubbly personality may make him appear naive to others but don't get fooled, he isn't.

- Agnostic.

- Has anxiety, masks it behind crappy jokes.

- Likes to bother others for fun.

- Used to babysit Manly Dan, now that he's 16 they hang out.

- Mostly hangs out with Dan and his friend group, he's like that one cool older cousin to them.

- Studied really hard to get good grades to prove that his adopted parents did a good job raising him.

- Had a burn out but managed to end highschool with good grades.

- Takes two years off of studies, promising his parents he's gonna focus on searching for a good university on his second year off.

- Doesn't really wanna get into a university, he just wants to travel the world in a van and get a dog.

- Hides his eye to be supportive to Bill.

- Is an artist but parents don't think the profession will get him money.

- Shitty fashion taste, dresses himself.

Bill (William) Cipher:

- Bill and Steve's parents don't know how Bill managed to exist. Neither did the doctors. Nor does Bill himself. Two things he knows is that he KNOWS the process of how his mom somehow got pregnant with him, and that he HATES it here.

- Is 12 years old.

- Is a miracle baby.

- Has slightly sharper teeth.

- Has anophthalmia, hides his missing eye behind his hair and says to others it's because of style.

- Shitty vision but refuses to wear glasses.

- He is falsely diagnosed with schizophrenia because when he was little he would "see things" (it's Gravity Falls, so ofc he was seeing things).

- Atheist (he says that the only god in his life is himself).

- Takes medicine for anophalmia and schizophrenia.

- The medicines make him feel out of it and not really there, and also tired all the time.

- Masks it behind a cheeky smile and a cocky behavior.

- Has ADHD but the signs are not very prominent because of the side effects of the medicines (one day he's gonna go off the schizophrenia pills. That will be when his ADHD symptoms make a much more prominent appearance. When he gets diagnosed he will be prescribed with even more medicines which he will rarely take because after years of medicine he's gotten sick of them. Until then, he's supposedly schizophrenic).

- His best friend is Pyronica.

- Mostly hangs out with Stan and Pyronica, sometimes Ford and Fidds might tag along too.

- Hates Stan, he only sticks around because Pyronica finds him cool.

- Has a crush on Ford.

- Hates Fiddleford because he also has a crush on Ford.

- Likes making their Grunkle Dipper angry for no reason.

- Mama's boy, but sometimes her clinginess can become irrigating and overwhelming.

- Good at math.

- Wants to become a CEO of a big business to start his plan for world domination.

- Is smarter than he looks.

- Likes to creep up on people.

- Likes silly straws.

- Is into astrology.

- Likes alt fashion.

- Good fashion taste, his mom still dresses him.

Euclid Cipher:

- Works as an accountant at the GF bank.

- 50 years old.

- Catholic.

- Loves his sons.

- Wants Steve to get into a good university and become a teacher or an accountant, he doesn't think art is gonna get him anywhere.

- Believes Pyronica is a bad influence for Bill but when he tried to get him away from her he kept sneaking out at night to get to her.

- His top hat was given to him by his late father which is why he wears it on all times.

- Comes from a wealthy family (not rich, but they're quite comfortable despite being four people in the house).

- Thinks Bill's fascination with stars is ridiculous but he keeps his mouth shut.

- Expects a lot from his healthy son, expects less from his ill son (both kids know that).

- Thinks Mason Pines and his nephews shouldn't be allowed near his son (he knows Bill is gonna disobey him anyway).

Scalene Cipher:

- Owns a small hair salon.

- 46 years old.

- Catholic.

- Loves her sons.

- Boy mom.

- Overprotective over Bill.

- The bow on her hair was the first thing Euclid had given her when they first started dating, she's been wearing it ever since to prove her love for him.

- She calls Bill her "little miracle baby", "blessing from the Lord" and sometimes even her "first love" (ew) because she didn't think it was possible for her to give birth.

- Was rather saddened at Bill's eye deformity and even more at his "schizophrenia diagnosis".

- Told Bill to hide his missing eye so people wouldn't judge.

- Is good friends with Fiddleford's mom, kinda ironic though.

- Thinks Bill's world domination plans are cute.

- Picks out Bill's clothes still, Euclid tells her he's old enough to dress himself, she doesn't listen.

- Goes to church every Sunday.

- Thinks Bill and Pyronica are dating.

The Cipher family, although seemingly perfect, is quite dysfunctional. At dinner time their parents would be mostly focused on Steve and his academic education. Bill could have said he almost died that day and they would hardly notice. They go to church every Sunday.

Even though they're supposed to replace Candy's family (yes, ik we never see them in the show), they're kinda more Northwest family codded (mostly because there's not gonna be a Northwest family in my AU, so I took liberty with our limited information on Euclid and Scalene.

(btw this is them in Gacha, I'm only dropping this here is because you can see all of his outfit)

[jitterbugjive]

So Maybe I Do Have Autism

Firstly, I have been trying to sleep for the past 3 hours with no luck, so I've given up for now and decided to do this now instead of later. I have some old behavioral notes from various counselors, some from school and one a more general counselor, and they point out a lot of behaviors that really just scream 'autism' to me and my friends who have it. If I was born the male sex I very likely would have been diagnosed with it. I censored out my dead name but the pronouns are still female since I didn't come out as trans until my 20s.

Warning, some of the language used in these notes can be a bit outdated or even ableist because these notes mostly come from the 90s.

So this is all Kindergarten to first grade and there's one main thing I want to point out about my 'argumentative' behavior. I actually remember arguing with people as being my way of having fun or hanging out, hence why this girl I was not supposed to play with that I was always fighting with registered in my head as my "best friend". She argued with me a lot, therefor spent a lot of time with me, therefor liked being with me, and thus had to be my best friend.

Also to note is that I found math and writing easy, which is kind of funny because it remained that way all the way into highschool where I would generally excel in math and literature and they were my favorite academic classes.

Next ones are in the third grade:

I want to remind people how stressful Christmas used to be for me. It makes perfect sense that my behavior would dip significantly after Christmas break. I would have come back from a situation with a lot of yelling, chaos, and abuse.

The older I got, the less kids wanted to be around me because they became more aware of my odd and 'annoying' behavior. It got harder and harder for me to understand other kids because they were more complex and confusing, and I found myself getting along better with much younger kids because they were easier to understand.

Next are observations my mom provided to the counselors when trying to get me an ADHD diagnosis. At this point I was 8 years old.

Lastly are notes from when I sought out counseling when I was 17, this was after being in special ed for a long time which was a better environment for me overall.

It's funny I said I have "never hurt myself", because what I thought of as hurting myself was things like cutting. I didn't think that hitting or biting myself counted as hurting myself, and I didn't want them to think I was suicidal.

I also want to add a couple of stories that add to this from my memory. I remember in 5th grade I was finally placed in special ed, and I had to go on a smaller bus that had teenagers because of that. And those teenagers scared me and were kind of mean. So one day I read a book at the school library and checked it out because one page had what I thought was a pretty scary dragon head on the spread. And when I went on the bus, I pulled up the book and held that page over my face at the teenagers to scare them, and they of course reacted mock scared and were making fun of me. But at the time, I thought they were legitimately scared because I was super bad with sarcasm.

Another time, I can't remember how old but in elementary school, I put on a shitty wig to pretend I was someone else, hoping no one would recognize me and therefor stopping the bullying. Obviously that didn't work.

Sooooo yeeeaah, I dunno about you but this really comes off to me as autism and not just ADHD. I'm fairly sure I have both, to be honest.

Thoughts would be appreciated. I'll probably bring these up with my therapist, though I'm not seeking a diagnosis any more because it would probably make things more difficult for me.

[vespen666]

Campbell Bain Headcanons

these are a bunch of headcanons i have about our favourite loonie!

before we get started I will say trigger warning for SH, Suicide, BD and fire. Also I'm autistic, so i've used some of my experiences as reference. And my friends are bipolar so also took reference from them.

so without further a-doo lets begin!!!

1- He's bisexual but he prefers male/gender-neutral partners.

2- He likes to listen to Queen and David Bowie

3-His primary love language is touch (he didn't get much physical affection when he was a kid) however he is demi-asexual

4-He absolutely adores when anyone plays with his hair or gives him head scratches (especially if they've got long nails

5-He's an insomniac. His sleep schedule is none existent, he sleeps whenever he feels like it wether that be at 5 in the morning or once every two days. He is rarely ever asleep before 1 am

6-He's got ADHD. All that energy and fidgeting doesn't come from being bipolar alone.

7-He loves doing arts and crafts at the asylum. The nurses sometimes use taking it away as a bribe to get him to take his meds if cocoa doesn't work

8-He knows a sh1t tone about stars and outer-space. if you point at a constellation and ask him to name it he'll tell you in an instant with its whole back story and everything.

9-He's got some PTSD from his childhood and watching Fergus jump off the roof.

10-His favourite movie is the breakfast club. He relates to John and Allison a lot and likes to reminisce of his short time in highschool and all the detentions he got.

11-He use to self-harm and still has the scars. He's not proud of it but when asked about it he'll just say "well thats life"

12-When he went to school he was the type of kid to turn up in pyjama bottoms and a hoodie, never pay attention but still somehow pass and he would skip class at least once a week

13-On the rare occasion that he does get to sleep, he moves around A LOT. full on starfish and blanket hogger, he also fidgets in his sleep

14-He quit cigarettes and started smoking w3ed. He said it was to "calm his nerves and help him focus on his creative flow" but eventually with Eddies help he quit that too.

15-He (albeit rarely) gets panic attacks.

16-He'll just randomly set small things on fire when he's bored. Sometimes he accidentally sets himself on fire

17- He hates loud noises unless he's the one making them. He loves to shout and blast his music so loud he can't hear his own thoughts but hates it when other people do it.

19- He loves soft things. He has about 15 stuffed animals at home (his favourite came with him to the ward) and is always wrapped up in a blanket when he watches tv or is reading. Any chance he gets he'll be cocooned in blankets and pillows

20-He either has a God-complex or hates him self to no end. There is no in between one minute he'll think he's the best person alive and the next he'll think everyone hates him.

21-When he was 16 (around the time he was diagnosed) him and his dad had a falling out and he tried to overdose. That was the reason he got admitted to saint Judes

22-He is fascinated by witchcraft but never really tried it himself, just likes doing research on it

23-He considered suicide after Fergus died but decided to continue on in his name and prove that loonies could get jobs and that being manic didn't define him

24-He once tried to die his hair green but decided he didn't like it so he went back to brown

25-His favourite bands are Nirvana and Green day

26-He likes comic books and his favourite hero is wolverine

thx for reading and I'm open to suggestions for Campbell.

[poopiedoopswrizzz]

Ice Time Gets No Buckets

(Elliot is in the shirt and pants, Aaliyah is in the Dress)

EGCP44

Liked by aaliyahedwards_24, uconwhoc and 7,764 others

Peace Out High School

Hello UCONN (GO HUSKIES)

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Grad was tiring to say the least but hey im going to UConn, Aaliyah's going to UConn. Anyways I'm Elliot and i know what your thinking that's a boys name. Well your right but Sasha is a girls name and ive met so many male Sasha's. Full Name is Elliot Griffith Campbell-Pascall. Daughter of Famous Cassie Campbell-Pascall. My parents had me in 2001 so 4 years before they got married and 9 years later had my baby sister Brooke. Growing Up I played Hockey (with both my parents playing professionally I had no choice) Lacrosse and Football (soccer). I decided to Commit to UConn for Hockey because i wasn't getting any other full rides and because Aaliyah committed.

Aaliyah and I met in Highschool. I had failed grade 1 because i had undiagnosed autism and ADHD so it made it hard to learn. I was always fidgeting, I threw tantrums when we had supply teachers and everyone thought I was weird so they kept bugging me until I broke a kids nose (That was a fun trip to the office). But soon after that incident i was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and now I get a special TA to help me with all my work and extra time on tests and assignments. We met in first period which was math and lets say i was STRUGGLING but Aaliyah noticed this and helped me out. Now almost 4 years later we are inseparable sure we both dated each other then cheated on each other but thats how we found out we are better off as friends. 

I Played Hockey for the Mississauga Senators AAA (Hockey) up until i hit the U18 boys team because i was too good to play with the other girls. I am also 6”4 so a lot taller than all the other girls too (Best defencewomen in the league). Played for the Mississauga Badgers (Lacrosse) U17 rep team until I turned 17. Finally played for Dixie Rep U18 girls team as a Keeper. It was A lot balancing 3 sports, especially lacrosse and Football because their seasons are the same, but me and my parents managed with the help of Wick (Hayley Wickenheiser) who became my professional baby sitter. (i said my first swear word at aged 2 and quoted “The Americans Had Our Flag On The Floor Of Their Dressing Room And Now I Want To Know If They Want Us To Sign It.” everyday for a whole year)

That's it for now thanks for reading

[elwoodsharmonica]

Long rant so skip idc but guys I'm so pissed off like it's not funny ughhhh I hate this state I hate this town and the people in it for the most part

Shoutout to my therapist for not liking the same people you know I gotta tell her everything... 😭 She hates my psychiatrist...girl me too! And the only seen her twice 😭 we hate her cause she's listening to old psychiatrist evaluations I had done when I was a teenager 💀💀 for context it claims I have BPD and psychosis 💀💀 my most recent diagnosis says everything I suffer from is trauma related and she somehow refuses to listen to that I keep telling her I have a disassociation disorder, I have cptsd and haven't been diagnosed with any of that since I was like 20 ma'am that's from highschool I was suffering with an ED and weighed like 90 pounds at the most, that's not an accurate diagnosis listen to us like psychiatrists see someone for like 15 minutes at most every few months my therapist sees me every week for an hour 😭 why you gonna believe people who legit told me they can't do anymore cause I'm not getting better and I'm having a mental breakdown and they're always hearing me complain why you gonna believe them?! They legit made me cry after I went in there after harming myself due to trauma and having an episode 😭 you're gonna believe those guys?! I don't even remember being tested for BPD or Psychosis I only ever got tested for ADHD and autism 💀💀 where tf you get those from? Did they legit just say oh you have anxiety and show signs of trauma but we don't wanna diagnose you properly and you're having paranoia and hallucinations so uh you have like BPD or something and psychosis dude I don't even have manic episodes the only "Manic" episodes I ever had was me staying up for like 3 days in a row cause of anxiety and that was after they gave me some fucking medicine for anxiety or a mood stabilizer 💀💀 like I'm not even depressed I'm just anxious and traumatized... But sure go off like you have more recent doctors and stuff saying no I'm saying no! My therapist doesn't even treat with BPD like idk why the doctors in this town are so incompetent the current diagnosis says TRAUMA RELATED PTSD OR CPTSD AND DISASSOCIATION DISORDER (he spent a single hour with me and said idk if this is right or whatever it's some disassociating issue but it's likely DID and to diagnose myself 💀 for some reason) So like bruh why is everyone in this town incompetent af?! Mental health is never taken seriously I fucking hate like I've been on medication for over a decade and they haven't managed to figure out it's trauma related until last year and even with them diagnosing me with trauma related issues the psychiatrist just says mmmmn nah it's BPD and Psychosis oh you're showing signs of DID? Nah it's just psycosis and BPD meanwhile my therapist says it's DID and trauma but go off can't ever seem to get treatment fuck this goddamn city man Texas can't ever be serious like ever but we live in the blue part bitch its still Texas Idgaf my dad can argue with the fucking wall it's still Texas they're never serious or good for your health

[horatiocomehome]

When I was an upperclassman in highschool I started sneaking my chromebook upstairs to have more time to spend on tumblr. I'd stay up until almost midnight, or even later. I wasn't allowed to have my chromebook in my room at night (a rule which I respect but did not follow, obviously) so every night I would sneak past my parents with my chromebook.

I was tired. Losing sleep. I had to get up at 6:00 am to get ready for school. Still would sneak my chromebook upstairs.

I wanted to stop. Couldn't stop because the temptation was too great. It was a habit now. Some nights I wouldn't bring it upstairs, but most of the time the temptation overtook me and there I went, computer in hand.

At some point in my senior year, having trouble in school because I was tired, I considered bringing it up to my parents. I would tell them that I'd been bringing my chromebook upstairs and I was sorry for breaking their trust, but now I needed to get more sleep and I needed their help. I would ask them to take my chromebook before I went to bed, so I couldn't bring it upstairs.

But every time I considered it, I knew it wasn't that easy. They would be angry. I had broken the rules. There would be a punishment. I would most likely have my chromebook taken away during the day too. Who knows for how long.

I didn't want that. I was getting into fandom at that point. I was in discord servers, having deep conversations, making friends. I couldn't risk having all my computer access taken away for the forseeable future.

So I never went to them. I never confided in them. I never asked for their help.

My freshman year of college I continued to spend most of my time in fandom. I made friends through fandom that I still have today and would never want to give up.

I spent more time than I should on it. Spent most of my time in my dorm room, glued to my computer screen. Instead of doing my work. Instead of going to the board game club or other activities. Made online friends that I could only talk to through messages.

And now here I am in my senior year. I'm still holed up in my room. On my computer. Barely friends with anyone on campus; closer to acquaintances, really. Over the years I got diagnosed with ADHD, got medication for it, but I'm chronically behind.

Every night I stay up in my bed on my phone scrolling twitter and tumblr. My eyes constantly ache.

There's no one I can even ask to take the distractions away from me. I'm the one in control now. I'm the adult. And I know that when I log out of a site, I can always log back in. When I delete an app off my phone, I can always reinstall it. When I put my phone away, I can always pull it back out.

And see, the thing is, I could do something. I could delete my twitter account and my tumblr account. There would be no way to restore either one. But I don't want to give them up forever, just the same as in high school. I have friends online now.

Besides, I'd probably get addicted to youtube, or just make a new account. So what's the point?

So every night I'm glued to my screen until I fall asleep. And every morning I'm glued to my screen from when I wake up until I absolutely have to get out of bed and go to class. And between classes and between homework and when I'm eating and after I'm eating when I'm tired from digestion and during homework when I've been working for a while so I need a break.

I always resented the fact that I couldn't go to my parents and ask for help out of fear that they'd punish me too harshly. But then, wasn't I the one who broke the rules in the first place? Wasn't I the one who chose not to take the chance and go to them?

Didn't I make my decision all of those years back?

It's funny, they never caught me. I was never punished. But for the past five years of my life, I have been tired.

Who's to blame? Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

[charredcheddar]

So I finally got around to watching Jaiden Animations video about being diagnosed with ADHD and to put it simply I wasn't expecting to relate to it as much as I did

I was diagnosed with ASD around 2ish years ago (idk exactly when without checking the report) and suspect I also have ADHD but was never bothered to check since I assumed the autism was causing most of my problems anyway. However after watching, I'm tempted to talk to my gp.

In fairness I have been meaning to talk to my gp anyway about my "anxiety" (that's a whole other can of worms) but my only option is a phone call which isn't exactly helpful for aforementioned anxiety.

The bit that really resonated with me was being a good student as a kid. I was always near the top of my class. However I struggled a lot during lockdown as I lost the structure that was keeping me together. I never really managed to get back into education. I finished year 11 with great GCSEs but not exceptional ones which made me feel like I'd wasted my potential and things only got worse in college (junior year of highschool for reference). Ultimately I dropped out before second year and took time off because I didn't really know what to do. I'm thinking of going back to college so I at least have an A-Level equivalent even if I never end up going to university.

I also really related to the fear of taking medication. My dad has is very anti-medication. When I was really struggling with my mental health, I would sometimes tell him that I wished I could have anti-depressants just so I would feel able to cope. He told me very seriously that I didn't want that, that they sucked all the personality and life from you and basically made you a souless husk unable to feel anything. So I understand the fear of taking a medication and worrying you'll be a completely different person.

I don't think I really had a point writing this. I would book the gp appointment now but I don't think they're open this late. It's annoying how the only motivation I have is at 10pm. Anyway, overall, it was nice watching someone talk about their experiences that I could relate to and it's made me wonder if maybe I should persue an ADHD diagnosis.

[lifeintheneurolane]

My daily neurodivergent journal/diary

Hi lovely people of Tumblr! I'm J and I am an autistic ADHD'er. I have been diagnosed with AD(h)D since December 2023 and have been diagnosed with autism for about a month. Recently I have been keeping a diary/journal because I noticed I had a lot of recurring negative thoughts and I also wanted to keep track of my emotions for my therapy sessions (bc I always forget what I felt during the week I don't see my therapist). I have personally found that reading others experiences helped me a lot because; 1. I found a lot of recognition. 2. I could compare how symptoms presented in others with ADHD/Autism. 3. I have a new hyperfyxation and want to know everything there is to know about neurodivergence lol. I also like to write in my diary as if im writing a book or to an audience so there's that. So if any of these (or something else ofc) applies to you; welcome to my blog!

But before I start I thought I would share my story for anyone that's interested.

For as long as I could possibly remember (doesn't say a lot) I have felt extremely different from everyone else around me. I would overthink things, even as a little girl. I remember as a little girl people would always tell me "J it doesn't matter, stop overthinking and do it". Funny thing that is, because when I graduated flight attendant school two years ago they gave me a note along with my 100% exam score that said: "Stop thinking, just do". As you can tell, this has followed me my entire life. My head has been full of thoughts and music and movie sentences & so so much more. When I learned that this wasn't normal, things were already falling into place for me a bit. I don't belong here, in this society, surrounded by these people. But hey I was a kid! what do I know?

Having these thoughts I went through my teenage years, trough high school and college (imagine dramatic DUNDUNDUN sounds right here). I always felt like I was in a social hell. Honestly, the learning didn't even bother me (don't get me started on homework tho). It was just the social interactions of walking to class, having lunch, passing people in hallways, working in groups (I think you get it now). I had very bad anxiety but wouldn't let anyone know, especially growing up in a household that hates therapists (bc they blamed them lol). Let me sum up my time in highschool and college real quick; problems concentrating,procastinating,close group of friends, always late, almost expelled bc of my low attendance, low/average grades on normal tests but absolutely excelled on exams, could have a high degree but couldn't be arsed so went for average. How do I have 2 diplomas you ask? no clue except for I was kinda sorta smart except for the fact im not smart but just hyper fixated the night before every exam :)

Soo after all of that I became a flight attendant at 19 yrs old, and absolutely hated every second of it. Oh, don't even get me started on the extreme sensory overload. I did have a lot of bad experiences with colleagues so maybe im a little spooked by that, but overall 1/10 experience. The initial training summed up: almost got kicked out bc I was late 2 times (which was the limit), trouble making friends bc I thought no one liked me, extreme insecurities because of multiple exams, I arrived sweaty and anxious every morning, almost got kicked out because I was tired a lot and almost fell asleep, I couldn't concentrate on the 10/12h lectures, I couldn't concentrate because my heels were killing my feet, the clothing & so much makeup annoyed me. Honestly I could go on but I think this sums up my time because the training only lasted 2 weeks ;)

I flew for 9 months and most of the things above were the same during that time. I arrived sweaty every morning because I had so much stress. Before every flight they ask you safety questions & I had to learn every morning all over again because I kept forgetting everything & all the tiny details. Also the social aspect was so horrifying for me, every flight there was an entire new crew so there was excruciatingly much small talk (which Im not very good at). I think I called in sick 12 times because of sleep trouble, I felt sick, I felt stressed out, I just couldn't handle it. Everyone around me was so proud of me, until the end of my summer contract and I didn't go back. I don't think ive ever felt as much disappointment towards me as when I told my family I didn't like being a FA and basically wasted four years of my life going to flight attendant school (college).

After all that bull# I became a receptionist, I welcomed important business partners at the head office of T-Mobile. I did a lot of administrative tasks and social stuff (I did it to myself atp). And guys you'll never guess what!? I absolutely hated my time there. I did have a great colleague but for some reason I always felt she wasn't being genuine with me. She loved shopping and so did I (a lil too much) and together we would shop online, and this is where my neuro journey starts.

I started shopping so much until I had no money left, but I still needed to shop. I had such an extreme urge to shop anything I would know give me a good feeling. I started buying stuff with apps like Klarna and Afterpay to the point it was impossible for me to pay on the deadlines. I will sum it up bc im not ready to share the entire story yet, but best believe I was in a loooot of trouble and this was also when the worst year of my life would start. I went to a clinic for addiction ad had weekly talks with a therapist. We found out very quickly that something else was going on, something that caused my shopping addiction. So the psychiatrist there got involved, initially they thought of ASD but me and my stupid prejudices wouldn't have it. A week after that conversation with the psychiatrist he tested me for ADHD and dingdingding! There it was, and almost a perfect score might I add. Finally I had a reason for being so.. me. I started doing research and reading books which helped me feel a lot of recognition. Still, something didn't entirely feel right. They couldn't start medications because I was there for addiction initially so I had to wait until I could go to a psychiatrist (waitlists here in Europe are a nightmare).

In January this year I stopped going to the clinic and got prescriptions for my medications from my gp/doctor. I tried 2 types of meds but still, there was this part of me that said "what now?, nothing has changed yet.. is it ever going to?" something still felt missing. In March I had my first appointment with my new and current therapist. I was so extremely nervous because I honestly didn't even know what exactly I needed help with. I just felt lost and wanted to fix my life again. I started telling my entire story to this new therapist and immediately I felt he understood me. I told him about my former therapist and psychiatrist's initial thoughts of ASD and he said we could see if there was any reason for looking into ASD if I felt comfortable with that. I told him I was, even though it freaked me out but I wanted/needed to know. So he gave me two forms to fill out which were general questions to figure out if there was even any reason to think about ASD. I emailed him the forms so he would have an answer by the time we would meet again. Sure enough, when we met a week later he told me there was indeed reason to start a ASD diagnosis interview because I scored in all aspects. So we did do a interview and a week or so after that I was officially diagnosed with Autism. During the entire week after the interview I couldn't get out of the house. I was afraid to tell my parents but I did anyway, and my mom's reaction was "surely you don't have it, I know so many autistic people and you are not like them". Well mom, how wrong you were. This entire month has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. I am now an autistic woman with ADHD, yay?. It makes lots of sense now, but in the beginning I kept picturing this 8 year old autistic boy that was in my class, who kept trying to fight me because I thought I was Travis Barker drumming on my table. The boy who wore big bright red headphones and would sit in a corner, facing the wall and rocking so fast it gave me the creeps. The boy who would fight and scream and no one liked. That wasn't me, it couldn't be, it can't be. After doing my research I found out this indeed was't me, but autism presents different in everyone. Especially after reading Ellie Middleton's (love her so much) unmasked I finally understood myself. I'm not yet at that phase of acceptance because yes I have autism and that's why people think im weird sometimes, im just wired differently. It just still doesn't take away the fact im still weird and an outcast. I don't relate to a lot of other autistic people, I don't relate to most neurotypicals, so what do I do now?

I guess that's why I started this blog. I want to find out and when I finally get to that point of acceptance, or at least contempt, I can look back at how I got where I am at that point.

If anyone has any tips or anything feel free to message me or comment under my posts. This is a judgement free zone but if I said something wrong please feel free to correct me and educate me if needed :) Also if anyone ever wants to talk, im here! I may not be good at social stuff but if you made it to here, you'll know why.

Love & hugs,

J

[quiet-confessions]

I was so sure that I had ADHD or ADD, potentially combined with ASD but after seeing the psychologist and going through testing my diagnosis/suspected diagnosis is- Major depressive disorder (severe, recurrent) and generalized anxiety disorder, both of which were already diagnosed Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar type 1, and Anxiety. The last few days have now have been.... really difficult for me. He talked to me about psychosis, paranoia, melancholic disposition, my hyper-dependence, and I asked about Bipolar since it runs in my family I was not expecting schizoaffective disorder to be on that list and it really scared me to read it. I have a lot of internalized ableism I supposed about reading a schizo-spec diagnosis, immediately I felt the impulsive thoughts come on, I was scared of how my partner would react, and my close friends, my family

My aunt has Bipolar type 2 and I talked to her to ask her about what she experiences, but she also told me a bit about what runs in our family. Bipolar, anxiety, major depressive disorder, schizophrenia... even my own brother has gone to the hospital due to his hallucinations.

I've had hallucinations but I don't know, I guess part of me brushed it off thinking they were normal, and that everyone gets those. Now I'm reading more and more about delusions and I'm understanding more about myself, but also angry? I'm mad that I never got help, especially before getting like this. I have so much I need to learn, so much to unlearn, I'm likely going to need to change medications and that scares me- I already hate taking medications and I don't want to have to take a lot, but maybe it would really help...

The psychologist also wrote a bit how I wasn't displaying symptoms or that I didn't mention certain things, but I wasn't asked DIRECTLY so I didn't bring them up, partially still for the above. I was also masking hard, which has been a learned and forced behavior, especially when I'm in public and trying to focus or absorb info or perform well. I mentioned echolalia and he wrote it off because I didn't do it in the meetings we had, but I'm 24, not under 12. I've learned self restraint and can do it better than a child can. That aspect feels a bit unfair to me, but now I'm questioning everything about myself, my brain, my actions

How much of what I thought was undiagnosed ADHD or ASD what actually undiagnosed schizoaffective disorder and bipolar. How much better would I have performed in school? Would I have wanted to kill myself, or almost tried, in highschool? Would I be less obese bc of my poor coping mechanisms I didn't understand I was doing? Would I have more friends, would I have less trauma from past friendships bc of being able to recognize abuse better? I'm angry.

I want better for past me but I'm also so scared for what's in store for future me. I feel better have a label and a reason, but I'm scared of the label and have to get past that, I'm afraid of how others will see me, I'm having the 'the world is against you and your friends will hate you' thoughts, I'm having the imposter syndrome thoughts, but idk idk idk

I'll use this blog again to vent and write out my feelings. Maybe that will help me, and maybe writing will help me explain my feelings to my therapist when I see her in 2 weeks.

If anyone ends up reading this and is willing to comment advice, reassurance, their own experiences etc, feel free I think I'm feeling alone and confused right now, and definitely overwhelmed

[snailsbigrace]

Pre-trauma KEL Headcanons

(Discontinued)

A/N: I posted this on my Wattpad but can't leave out the Tumblr users, hope you enjoy! ^^

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1.1k

- UGH PURE BABY

- Calling it right now he tried to be like HERO. He at some point wanted to do everything that big brother did but obviously couldn't. 

- He'd try to be charming but would fail miserably, he wanted to go to highschool but couldn't, he'd try to cook and bake but couldn't and most likely accidentally set something on fire. Poor kid could hardly do anything that his brother did. :( 

- He was heartbroken when he found out that he couldn't be HERO, don't worry, he moved on pretty quickly, especially after HERO told him that he'd much rather hangout with KEL then another him. 

- The same applies to MARI. He wanted to be her too. But then he remembered she could play piano and he definitely couldn't so he gave up on that one pretty quickly.

- He was a troublesome kid who liked to cause problems, especially for AUBREY and HERO. He didn't find it fun to tease, pick on, or bug SUNNY, BASIL and MARI. He got a good giggle whenever he bugged HERO, as he knew that inside HERO probably found his antics funny... He hoped...

- He loved the reactions AUBREY gives him when he pokes fun at her, and he finds it even funnier to see what responses she would come up with. It was a game between the two of them.

- Likes to tease AUBREY about her crush on SUNNY the most, since it really gets to her. Though he usually ends up with a bruise afterward and is crying to HERO.

- HERO gets AUBREY to apologize but definitely tells KEL that he shouldn't bug her so much and that she had a good reason to be upset at him. 

- Likes to play tag with MARI! He does feel a little bad when her knee starts to hurt though... 

- He likes to climb on HERO, since HERO is so much taller than him it's pretty easy on HERO yet a challenge for KEL! 

- HERO doesn't really like it, he says that it reminds him of "a spider crawling up on me". This just makes it funny to KEL, he usually likes to tap his finger against his brothers back to imitate spiders while he climbs, loves it when HERO totally freaks from this.

- He also likes to climb on his dad who doesn't mind as much as HERO! He usually just ruffles KEL's hair, which KEL hates, because he finds it soooo embarrassing.

- Jokingly flirts with AUBREY, SUNNY, and BASIL (totally not because he sees HERO and MARI do it... P.S. IT IS) 

- Enjoys BASIL's confused, yet flustered, yet embarrassed, yet shy, yet disgusted, yet happy, yet excited, yet angry reaction the most. 

- Likes to mock HERO and MARI's relationship.

- Often encouraging them to kiss along with AUBREY.

- Lets out a mocking "awwww" whenever HERO and/or MARI are worried about each other. 

- Secretly wishes someone would worry about him like that

- He definitely worries for AUBREY in the same way HERO and MARI worry about each other. Doesn't have a crush on her though.

- When at BASIL's house he points at all the different plants and goes "what's this one?" "what's that?" "Ohh! This one looks cool! What's it called?!"

- Probably has diagnosed ADHD.

- He likes to show MARI and HERO things he's found. HERO usually gags if it's a bug, or if literally anything is covered in dirt, or is soaked, he'll gag. MARI's always "Ooh cool find KEL! :D"

- If he finds something he really likes MARI and/or BASIL will help him keep. If it's a bug or something MARI will buy one of those little Dollar Store bug enclosures and help him put things inside of it like leafs, grass and sticks. 

- SUNNY will also join in if it's not a spider, MARI will teach SUNNY a thing or two about bugs and nature if he helps. 

- KEL always lets SUNNY come up with the name for the bug. Though SUNNY usually only names the spiders scary. 

- He has a few of the cheap, crappy enclosures outside in his backyard. HERO reminds him to check if the bugs are dead or not so that if they are they can use the enclosure for other bugs.

- Holds funerals for the bugs. 

- If it's something that's covered in dirt or sand or something of the sort BASIL will help him wash it off and clean it.

- If it's something that can be named KEL will let BASIL name it, though BASIL always says "No! It's yours KEL! You should name it!"

- KEL will keep bugging BASIL until he names it. But to cheer him up after KEL always goes "Me and (name)! Adventure buddies forever! Me and him/her will go on so many adventures together! Thank you BASIL!"

- Is constantly asking his mom for snacks for his friends. He knows MARI and HERO could just make them but he knows that sometimes it must get tiring. His mom always makes little sandwiches with a side celery and cucumber. Maybe apple slices as well. 

- Tells HERO and MARI that it's just because he was feeling really hungry and couldn't wait for them to make food. But MARI knows that he really only wanted to help out and so she teases him for being embarrassed to help.

- KEL hates it, how dare she >:(

- He's not actually all that mad though, he's just over dramatic like that

-  He likes to share his food with SUNNY! SUNNY doesn't eat all that much and KEL doesn't know why, so he hopes that by offering his food to SUNNY he'll eat more. 

- Other than MARI he's one of SUNNY's biggest encouragement providers, often trying to get SUNNY out of his comfort zone and try new things! But SUNNY usually only freaks out and runs to his sister. KEL can only pout at this.

- Has successfully convinced BASIL that he indeed has a watermelon for a head.

- Likes to go "You have a spider in your hair!" to HERO and AUBREY. He laughs when he sees them freak out. Though AUBREY always does it back to him, which KEL says is not at all fair.

- Doesn't like it when his brother teases or bugs him back, which happens a lot.

- "KEL screams like a girl!" Is what AUBREY likes to tease him about, and he finds that one to be the most embarrassing. 

- Is jealous of his brother sometimes, because HERO seems to be good at everyone which KEL doesn't find fair at all. 

- Often has scrapes and bruises all over himself, he seems like the type of kid to trip a lot because he's clumsy. 

- Definitely a scab picker, which both his mom and brother lecture him not to do. But he can't help it!

YIPPEE I finished the first headcanons! I'm happy with how they all came out! ^^

[doyourdrafts]

I was laughing over childhood injuries with someone today, and they did not laugh with me when I mentioned my repeated ankle rolling and jaw dislocations/freezing up of my jaw, which I always resolved myself because it was easy to do so and yeah of course it fucking hurt but it felt better when I got it back into place, yes just like my finger I dislocated in December that took until March to heal after I put it back into place myself. The Drs were horrified and impressed, but why wouldn't I put it back into place myself if I could? The ER? In THIS economy?

Then they asked me some really fucking pointed questions, and I still am not sure what the heck they were driving at.

Yes, I can bend over and touch my hands flat to the ground while standing with my knees locked.

Yes, I do get frequent aphthous ulcers, I was told that might be related to the- yes, to the IBS I do have.

I can touch my nose with my tongue.

I cannot bend my thumb to touch my forearm, though. I can do the Christopher Lee Dracula fingers hyperextended thing on command though, both hands, it's a neat party trick.

I bruise easy, but I also have ADHD, so who the fuck knows what I did to cause it, it just happens. If I run into something not pointy with my shin it will bleed, that's just what happens to everyone because the skin is thinner there, right? Apparently not right?

Yes, I'm so fucking pale I glow at dusk, you can see my veins really clearly through my skin and fat layers in many spots, I sunburn within minutes, and I don't sweat normally.

I'm cold all the damn time if I'm awake, I have flat feet, and if I stand too long without supportive shoes my middle toes go numb at the tips.

I can make a grinding noise with my ankles and big toes unendingly, to the point it bothers other people. Might be ligaments, it feels like it is, anyway.

I'm tired all the damn time. Of course I am. I have ADHD, insomnia, and I'm fat with a family history so probably sleep apnea too.

Yes, my kneecaps are able to just move about a lot more than they should. I got diagnosed with something to do with that in highschool that never really fixed itself despite the exercises I did religiously. The PT nurses liked to whisper about how I was faking where they thought I couldn't hear them, because they didn't think I had whatever it was, and I'm not sure they were wrong. Maybe I was misdiagnosed back then?

I don't know my friend was driving at, as we got interrupted and had to leave.

So yeah, that's my mystery for the day.

[khodorkovskaya]

storytime: i caused a divorce

the story starts in 2019... i used to give language lessons when i was in highschool to make some pocket money and found students through facebook groups or specialised websites. when i started uni however i stopped because not only did i not have the time, but i also kinda grew out of it. i had about a dozen students and ive been teaching for 4 years, it was time to move on. so i told my students that i'll no longer be available and stopped looking for new ones. until i got a very peculiar message... little did i know, it was the start of a new friendship.

let's call him lucien for the sake of the story. now how do i even describe him to you guys?

the first time i met him was at his office for a language lesson. and he was devastated because his wife (let's call her sarah) had just left him after 10 years of marriage. she left him for another woman... (and later had a gf who had hpv??? but idk if that's the woman she left him for?) anyway, he was very sad and heartbroken.

lucien is very neurodivergent (huuuge adhd and idk if it's a joke or not but he said he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia?? but again he says random shit all the time so idk). he's somewhere on the ace spectrum and never had sex with sarah. bc (1) he's not interested in sex and (2) she's like 20 years younger than him and he felt uneasy about it. and he's also weirdly rich. i say weirdly because he's not a standard kind of rich person. he has periods where he is literally broke and has to beg sarah for money to buy instant noodles. and he has periods where he makes 6 figures in a week. and when he does have money, he doesn't keep it for very long bc he spends it all on expensive hobbies.

now let me explain his expensive hobbies to you. because he doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs (he used to do lots of drugs back in the 90s, has tried everything and a lot of his friends died from overdose yikes). but he is very passionate about his life. he spends tens of thousands on professional diving school and diving equipment, jumps out of planes for fun (with a custom parachute transported to him from lichtenstein ofc), he has all kinds of gadgets that cost more that tuition at elite american colleges, he used to spend 2k a month just to learn how to ice skate, the list goes on... it's insane. id love to tell you guys more about the guy but i can't reveal too much. but if we're chill and you follow me on insta hmu and i'll show you his profile.

so anyway, over the years we've been thru a lot together. we went to russia together, he paid for shooting lessons for me, he gave me an ak-74 once as a present and uhh yeah that was uh an experience.... when my cousin came over last summer we went for a plane ride together. and this year we've been obsessed with ice skating.

every sunday lucien, sarah, my bestie and i would go to the rink. it was my favourite part of the week! the four of us would have a blast! my bestie and lucien would skate in a pair and sarah would show me different techniques and stuff bc im a beginner skater. it was great! sarah struggles with mental health issues and she's been on and off medication, so she's been depressed and tired all this time and now she was finally looking happier and she'd come ice skating with us every time and we'd chat after skating and get coffee together, me and my bestie loved it!

then when the season came to an end lucien offered to buy me and my bestie ice skates! we couldn't be more excited! he often buys his friends presents and judging by the obscene amounts of money he spends on his hobbies and gadgets, it didn't stand out of the ordinary. the four of us went to a professional shop in lausanne and got ice skates and then we went to a museum and had so much fun, it was great! i was so happy that sarah came too bc lucien was telling me how it was a struggle for her to be on her feet all day bc she usually takes lots of naps bc of medication withdrawal. but she seemed fine and we had lots of fun together!

during the trip i briefly mentioned that i wanted to go to skating summer camp and said to my bestie that i was probably gonna save up some money and go bc it's a lot of fun.

and

the next day

lucien sent me 1000chf to my account with a note saying that it's for the skating camp

i was shocked ofc but decided not to say anything over messages but talk to him about it in person the following day bc we were going skating together (my bestie couldn't come cos she was working and sarah didn't come either). he said that he feels the need to support young people's willingness to do things and it's a great initiative that would be a shame for me to miss if i didn't have the money. and i was like okay that's fair and i asked him if he was coming too. and he said he wanted to make sure with me whether it was okay for him to come too bc he didn't want to be creepy. and we agreed that we'll all go together, me, lucien, sarah, and if my bestie isn't working that week we could maybe get her to come along too. he said that if it's only young people and women there, he will sleep at a hotel or at his parents' place (bc his parents have a villa in that region) to not make everyone uncomfortable. we were v excited and i was looking forward to going skating with the usual crew!

and this morning guess what! i receive a message from sarah on our family business email address (so my parents received it too), reading the following:

"id like to inform you that i find lucien's sponsoring of you unhealthy and it's turning into financial domination.

because of that, starting today i have launched a definitive divorce procedure because i don't want to be part of this triangle anymore.

kind regards,

sarah"

ooooo the drama! who could've expected that!!?? and to my parents' email too? good lord!

disclaimer, im not a fake mental health advocate at all and i support all mentally ill women, especially those who display mental illness symptoms! whether you're an alcoholic and it's not a pretty sight or whether your mental health is causing you to act out messy or whatever, i will always be on your side and i will never call you "crazy" or blame you no matter what! i will defend mentally ill women till the end!

so im on sarah's side on this 100%! idk what lucien has told her and she knows him better than i (or my bestie) do. but for me it was clear that we were ALL going to skating camp. if it was for me only i wouldn't have accepted bc yeah that's weird. and lucien, no matter his neurodivergence, has full responsibility of how he spends his money. so idk what went down behind the scenes. maybe he didn't tell her and she just saw that he sent me 1k from his bank account?? whatever it is, lucien better figure shit out bc sarah has been dealing with too much already. she's sacrificed so much for him! and she can do so much better, no offence to lucien ofc, but she's drop dead gorgeous and an amazing person! im rooting for her!

and do i think she will go thru with the divorce? probably not. she's been "threatening" with divorce for a while now and i think that possibly she was having an episode or something when she sent the email. my stepmum does these kind of things. like she'll be normal and then she'll be manic and write weird emails to my mum and call her a whore and stuff. so receiving this email gave me flashbacks and tbh i can't take it seriously.

but i hope our skating group will make it out of this incident just fine. and i still really want to go to skating camp with everyone :(((

im seeing lucien tomorrow so i'll keep you guys updated!

[dark-elf-writes]

My forth grade teacher is kind of an asshole, like little me kind of get diagnosed with ADHD, so my parents tell the teacher beforehand to let them know what to expected and stuff, which okay cool, kid me don't really want them to know but fine, 2 of my previous teacher is okay with this and treated me okay, great, even

Then this fucking asshole on the first day of the class just walk in and say something along the line of "Hey kids, just to let you know this guy has mental illness (Or if not 'mental illness' it's probably 'is mad' or 'insane') be careful" and like... for some reason kid me don't really care and probably forgot it the day after, then was just confused almost the whole year why a number of my classmate just ignore me or something, or maybe I was annoying, don't really know

Anyway so my parents know about this really late, probably some friends or their parents told them, they were angry, but can't really know about it cause by then I was almost out of forth grade, or already out

I don't really like her as a kid but just think that's probably how teacher for older kids are but when I know I just 'what the fuck how did I forgot that'

...I go back to that school sometimes to say hi to some teachers, they're great, but I kinda just... stare at this one, I got in a 'good' highschool (have reputation, not sure if I would say it's really that great) she do apologize like, one time I go there, which is... huh cool ok, don't know if that's sincere or not but at least she did?

...why did I tell you all this again?

That is an incredibly fucked up thing for a teacher to do, and, in most places, incredibly illegal. Like, your parents could have sued the school for all it was worth illegal depending on time and location. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Teaching really brings out the best or worst in people and there’s very little in between.

[shiftingwithelizabeth]

INTRODUCTION POST

I saw a couple online friends do an intro post that inspired me as well. I'm open to making new reality shifter online friends! BONUS if we have the same dr, ur, spiritual and 13-18 years old. However, I'm still open to anyone who's a kind, relatable, caring, and a silly person. If something is in italic & in bold that means I love or mean it a lot. I present to you a few doses of some me espresso~

DISCLAIMER: I curse like a sailor

My TikTok: shiftingwithelizabethhh

ABOUT ME

My name is Aniah. I was born and raised within the state of New Jersey and have moved from city to city up until this point of my life where I still lie within this state. CERTIFIED City girl. I'm a proud Latina and my nationality is Dominican and Puerto Rican. No I don't speak fluent spanish. DON'T ASK! /lh. My Birthday is January 24th making me an Aquarius. My personality type is ENFJ-T, I go by She/Her pronouns, am Pansexual and 6teen. I got into shifting around January 2020 mini shifted a few times with breaks throughout the years. I've come a really long way on this journey TRUST! I shifted to a parallel cr September 29th 2024 and did that again January 1st 2025 which is this current reality where I still am aware of.

HOBBIES

My hobbies include playing video games, painting, drawing, sculpting, shopping, doing tarot readings, collecting crystals, listening to music, hanging out with loved ones, doing makeup, skincare, just self care in general, cooking, baking, walking, and yoga.

FAVORITE MUSIC ARTISTS

Tate McRae, Sabrina Carpenter, Billie Eilish, Kim Petras, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Tyler the creator, Sir-Mix-Alot, and Don Toliver

Yandel, Madison Beer, Kali Uchis, Sexy Red, The Weeknd, Metro Boomin, USHER, Lana Del Rey, and Don Omar

Justin Bieber, Nelly, Olivia Rodrigo, Shakira, Doja Cat, Ceechynaa, Odetari, Childish Gambino, and Ayesha erotica

Frank Ocean, Steve Lacy, Rhianna, Nelly Furtado, Fergie, Charli xcx, Brent Faiyaz, Justin Timberlake, and Pink Pantheress

Honorable Mention goes to NLE CHOPPA

FAVORITE BANDS/TEAMS

Nirvana, The Neighbourhood, 3OH!3, She wants Revenge, Mindless Self Indulgence, Chase Atlantic, Cigarettes After Sex, FIFTY FIFTY, and New Jeans

MY DRS

Resident Evil

Resident Evil Band DR

Attack On Titan

Highschool Fame DR

EXTRA

I'm diagnosed with adhd! <3

I'm morally gray

LGBTQ+ friendly! I don't support racial discrimination or bullying AT ALLL. Unless its as a joke! for example: calling ur friend a big back or taco eater idgaf lol (like i said I'm morally gray, not that judgemental tbh)

If your intentions aren't pure HOP AUFF MY PAGE NUOW!!

I FUCKING HATEEE overly judgemental, self centered, bossy, cruel, backstabbing, rigid, immature, 2 faced, selfish, narcissistic, rude bitches who follow other like sheep.

I dislike washing dishes, being spoken to harshly, mice, and being told what to do.

My Favorite Crystals are amethyst and moonstone

My favorite colors are purple, burgundy, black, blue and pink

I enjoy spreading kindness and really enjoy seeing people happy! However, I keep it real and will tell a bitch off if necessary

I can be nosy and talk A LOT I'm literally a Dominicana /jk

I spent like 4 hours on this post pls like it /lh

Thanks for reading until next time bye!

[deafenedsaltwater]

Notes from today because I remembered recently a portion of this blog was meant to be journaling

..went to therapy (I've been counting down since 13 days ago when I had a horrid day accidentally unmedicated)

- talked about ocd subtypes and the distinction between my subtype and the general diagnosis

- told her about school so far

- was very unorganized and monotone because I decided not to take my anxiety pill so I could be full throttle for therapy

- that was a mistake. she said she didn't think I have autism despite me having been diagnosed by professionals specializing in diagnosis and it being one of few consistent ways in my life to explain & understand myself, as well as my family (extended lineage included) having a history of ASD, or at least some kind of neurodivergence, more so on my mother's side, but a lot on my father's too. I'm not quite sure why she thinks that, I think it's in part her general skepticism to diagnose, (she was the one that told my mother I probably didn't take after her in having ADHD), and part that not being the general focus of our sessions. still, did feel like she'd cracked my skull open and shoved my brain into a box of "overdramitic neurotypical highschooler with no real understanding of themself", which is somewhat accurate, but not in that way. sure, my symptoms of generalized anxiety and depression may come together to appear as ADHD in a false facade of similarities, but that is not what I think is going on here. I didn't need a diagnosis to know THAT was a part of me, the only reason I truly drove out to seek a specialty clinic was to have the undeniable fact presented on my record, mainly so accommodations (especially in school, the sensory hell that it is) could be provided. and yet, here it is, being called into question. in writing this rant, I've realized I do not agree with her opinion. I agree that I don't have ADHD, but me ever thinking I did was a whole other can of worms of AuDHD combined being presented to me as the norm by media and my family.

- kind of left a bad taste in my mouth, and I'm still not fully grounded hours later. not entirely sure why, but it's there.

- she gave me some papers to fill out and we scheduled more appointments months from now. I'm sure I'll feel less strongly then.

Uh then I loved I love being in cars and drives and stuff, so my mom and I sat in the car by a fishing spot

- saw a young looking all black cat there. it was healthy and very cautious.

- ate some food.

- was a very quiet, tiny bit uncomfortable few minutes up until I had opportunity to tell mher about the differences between memento mori 2018 live by will wood aand the memento mori: the most important thing in the world release, as well as the breif rhythm change in Harvard Variations from Legally Blonde being a good way to showcase drastic character differences (belief & motive) between Enid Hoops and the rest of the class. also talked about how in There, Right There! just provijg he's gay doesn't necessarily prove he wasn't engaging in that affair. it could've been he wanted a beard, or that there was some power imbalance, or a multitude of reasons a gay man might want to/be compelled to date a woman, even if he doesn't find her attractive, or as romantically intriguing as the preferred sex. also, how I pretty much would've been fine with that song had the narrative not have basically proved the Harvard students 'right' in their endeavors to theorize about a man's sexuality because of how he looks or presents, but not every banger musical will hold up to further scrutiny. sorrry for getting pretentious and stuff there, I'm sure many others have talked about this much more in-depth or understood the song better as a whole.

After we got back to the house

- she immediately said "I'm going to stay in the car because you ARE going to go back to school" which I should have, but I'll get there.

- I took a very prolonged shower, in part because I hadn't showered for a while at that point.

- then, it was full lockdown time!! lock the door to your room whether you're in it or not (use a lockpick to go to and fro, it's a small barrier as the locks in this house are not good and my parents literally keep a pick right above their door for separate purposes), hide your most important possessions underneath other less suspicious items, whether in dresser drawers under clothes or deep within the recesses of the boxes, get them safe. don't use your phone, they can monitor how long you're on it and what you've done in that time, and you will have no excuse or denial of "wasting time". if there is an alternative to keep your brain occupied, use that. draw, read, or even sleep. sleeping is actually something I couldn't recommend enough if you live in a household centered around avoidance and passive aggression. don't have to talk or acknowledge the anger if you can't form active thought, AND you have a genuine answer for what you were doing. maybe it's juyst more believable for me to say because I sleep a lot during the day (afternoon) because school doesn't allow me time to at night.

- surprisingly though, she didn't protest to much. she is the more lenient an accepting parent, but pushback is to be expected, at least. makes me wonder if she's just pushing it to the side for now and it's going to add onto a later "outburst" of emotion from unresolved build up. hope not.

- and now here I am! a few mind numbing hourss of flipping between trying to ground myself in reality and attempting to distract myself later!

Some kitties for whoever expanded this post

Oh, and my progress report from the day is the phrase "I'm ugly, but someone like me could be beautiful"

[gossipgorlhere]

I stole adderall from a pharmacy I worked in

When I was 17 in my senior year of highschool I worked as a cashier at the front cash in a pharmacy. Near the end of every shift I was responsible for emptying all of the garbages in the storefront, pharmacy and in the back area where merchandise was stored. I never worked in the actual pharmacy area, though every shift I would have to enter it to obviously take out the garbage as well as store my cash from the register into the safe.

When I first got the job, say September of the previous year, one of my friends who used to work there started telling me about how the security cameras didn't actually work, and that the alarms at the front doors didn't go off if someone was stealing. I didn't think much of this at the time because I wasn't really the type of kid/teen to get into trouble..

One day in March or April when I was taking out the garbage at the end of my shift, I went into the back of the pharmacy and saw that the cabinet beside trash can was open. I was slowly changing the garbage bag and kept glancing at the bottles of pills labeled "Adderall XR 20mg, 100 pills". I guess I just let my intrusive thoughts take over because I grabbed a bottle and took it with me as I put the garbage into the dumpster out back of the store. I hid this bottle in my "manbag" (I was big into dressing for success in highschool, though my family is low-middle class, my image was "preppy") and walked through the alarms without anything going off.. I was home free.

The next day I woke up for school at 6am and took a pill. I started abusing Adderall for the next few months, my grades went from an 85 average (Canadian) to a 94 average and I graduated with honors. I always hid this bottle in the leather satchel bag (manbag is the word I got shit on with for having it), and would take it with me everywhere I went. My family never found out. I was probably a completely different person on Adderall, but nobody questioned it.. I always felt like a side character in life even before this.

I ended up stealing another bottle, 30mg, some point after graduating and spent the summer in mania with a friend, abusing Adderall and alcohol.. hell, I probably should have died from this; I was sometimes taking 100mg of Adderall at 10am, then would proceed to drink absurd amounts of alcohol the same night.. I was a mess, and I was also so uneducated yet lucky because I didn't even realize the psychotic episodes when they were happening - blacking out everytime I drank, walking home from parties in this state sometimes 4 hours or more. Everyone around me loved it apparently; my humiliation when blackout drunk was entertaining to them, so I guess I was at least still a nice guy?

I continued taking these pills when I went to college. Life was great at the time, apparently, from what I can remember at least. Then the colleges went on strike for a month and I was basically living on college residence with no classes, just partying everyday. I took absurd amounts of Adderall, up to 150mg at a time.. I dropped out of college 2.5 months into the semester since I ran out of pills and the withdrawals hit.. I don't remember too much of this as my brain was fried from the drugs, though I did use my last $500 to buy my first guitar and basically saved myself from suicide by spending every waking hour teaching myself to play it when I moved back home.

Fast forward to now.. I'm 24. I heavily regret this as I'm dealing with mental health issues, basically no recollection of my life before I was 19, and still go to the same pharmacy every month to get my prescription.. I never got caught or questioned about what happened. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 18, after all this happened. Again, I probably should've died or ended up in jail at minimum.. sometimes I even question if getting caught or snitched on would've been better for me.