#i get why there would be guilt because I'm speaking from experience I've been there

[etz-ashashiyot]

You know how sometimes arguing a point is losing?

Like if you engage the argument at all you are inherently putting up for debate things that should never be up for debate and the argument itself is degrading?

You see this with interpersonal gaslighting:

A gaslighter doesn’t simply need to be right. They also need for you to believe that they are right. In stage one, you know that they’re being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate  – your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage one, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate. In stage two, you consider your gaslighter’s point of view first and try desperately to get them to see your point of view as well. You continue to engage because you’re afraid of what their perspective of you says about you. Winning the argument now has one objective :  proving that you’re still good, kind, and worthwhile. In stage three, when you’re hurt, you first ask, “What’s wrong with me?” You consider their point of view as normal. You start to lose your ability to make your own judgements. You become consumed with understanding them and seeing their perspective. You live with and obsess over every criticism, trying to solve it.

[Source]

But you also see this on a broader societal level, with people asking unfathomably awful questions about minority groups, such as:

[Source]

It should go without saying, but no group of people should be forced to explain that yes, they really are real people, dickheads. The question doesn't deserve an answer; it deserves at best a disgusted eyeroll + "Are you a Nazi?" and at worst a punch to the face.

There is also the related phenomenon of the "when did you stop beating your wife?" type questions. The question is framed as a yes or no question, but the real answer for the innocent is: "I've never beaten my wife and never would." But even that answer still dignifies the question with a real response and puts the idea in the mind of the listener that hey maybe that's a real possibility and this guy is lying because of course he wouldn't just admit that. Now I don't know what to believe, but I'm skeptical.

Even if he answers, doubt has been cast on his character and many people (maybe even most people) neither have the attention span to listen to his full counter argument and supporting evidence nor are invested enough in strangers' lives to take the time to dig for facts on their own. Critically, it comes from a good impulse that shouldn't be repressed or taken too far in the opposite direction; namely, that we want to believe survivors and make it socially acceptable to speak out about abuse.

This leaves us with the uncomfortable reality that balancing believing survivors and whistle-blowers against not automatically believing allegations that very well may be false and/or in bad faith is a very tricky balancing act indeed. Because of this, people tend to struggle with taking survivors seriously and with presuming innocence until guilt has actually been proven, both. And as for the latter, this is at least partially due to the same psychological factors underlying the Don't Think of an Elephant problem.

Why am I discussing this?

See the thing is that these types of discourse have all been used, heavily, against the Jewish community, especially since Oct 7th, but really going back hundreds of years.

If you want to be our ally, you need to be on guard for how people use this rhetoric to accuse Jews of absolutely batshit cookoo bananas allegations (like being lizard people or having horns, or secretly running the world, or killing Christian babies to use their blood in our matzah, etc. etc.) and get away with it. Now obviously if so many people weren't already racist towards Jews as a people and had a vested interest in maintaining their supercessionist cultural worldview from Christianity and Islam, it would be a lot harder for this to work. Alas, the past 2000 years has created a bit of a snowballing effect.

This culminates in the effect described so well by Sartre:

Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past.

— Jean-Paul Sartre

Right now, Jews are facing extreme levels of these types of rhetorical abuse, and are receiving very little help in the way of pushback.

We have to stop trying to explain ourselves and start just naming these tactics instead.

[jinnie-ret]

ok but imagine chans sister comes to visit the boys and gets attacked by saesangs. comfort from chan as well as his own guilt that it happened?? while the boys do their best to fix everything and make it okay? my love for angsty fics is really showing damn

cold water

stray kids x reader (platonic)

genre: angst, angst, and more angst

content warnings: saesangs, violence, drowning

word count: 3.3k

summary: when chan's sister pays the boys a visit in Seoul, during their S-CLASS mv shooting, no one could have expected the day to end the way it would.

Thank you so much for this request! I've been trying to write it for the past couple of days because this idea instantly popped into my head, I hope it fulfills the angst you've been looking for!

As always, like, reblog if you enjoyed, and my asks are open for any requests you may have. And let me know if you'd like to be tagged when I post :)

MAIN MASTERLIST

Y/N was glad to finally settle down in Seoul after her flight from Sydney. She was excited to see Bang Chan again, it had been a while as she hadn't been able to fly over with Hannah and go to their concerts, too busy with her school work. You see, Y/N always dreamed of being a director, and so when Chan had offered her to come watch them film their newest music video for their upcoming title track, S-CLASS, she couldn't deny his offer. Especially since he had promised that it would be a new experience for not just her, but for him and the rest of the boys too.

And boy was he right. If you had asked Y/N if she was going on a nighttime shoot, on a boat, in the middle of Han River, she would have laughed in your face, but her brother was big time now, and as much as she'd tease him and deny it, she was proud of Bang Chan. He even managed to get a comment along those lines from her earlier in the day.

"Y/Nnie, aren't you proud of your big bro?" Chan bounced around happily, excited for his younger sister to be staying with them, shaking her shoulders at the same time.

"Yeah, yeah," she rolled her eyes, unable to hide her growing smile as she stood in the entrance of the dorms he shared with Changbin, Han, and Hyunjin.

Speaking of, they all appeared, hearing the commotion of their leader and someone else.

"Woah, is that you, Y/N? You've grown!" Han patted her head as he greeted her.

"Not by much," she laughed, ducking away when the head pats turned into borderline hair ruffling, and no one touches her hair.

"Who knows, maybe you'll be taller than Changbinnie!" Hyunjin laughed.

"There's no way, Y/N got the small genes too, just like me and Hannah, Lucas is the only one who is tall out of us siblings," Chan sighed.

"It's so annoying. We're twins. He's got height to spare, why couldn't he give me some of it?" Y/N whined, causing Chan to laugh at her.

"Ah, join us on the dark side Y/N," Chan gestured to him and the other 2 members of 3RACHA.

"I'm in a dorm full of shorties," Hyunjin shook his head.

"Surprise, shawtyyyy," Y/N did some jazz hands, causing Han and Chan to laugh because they got the reference.

"Anyways let's drop your bags off in the spare room, then we can grab something to eat and head to the shoot, yeah?" Chan suggested as he picked up Y/N's luggage and carried it with him.

"Sounds good to me," Y/N nodded as she followed along.

Best. Dinner. Ever.

Bulgogi. Fried chicken. Kimchi. It was a proper feast. Although, the boys didn't have too much as they said they didn't want to feel bloated during the shoot, and they'd probably get some more food later. Y/N wouldn't be able to turn down that offer too, especially since her brother was paying for it all.

"So how old are you now, Y/Nnie?" Seungmin asked as she traveled with the other boys to their shoot.

"I'm 17," Y/N replied, the boys letting out noises of surprise.

"I remember when we debuted, you were only 12!" Felix gasped.

"Well, times have changed haha, it's been like 5 years, you know, you guys have been doing this for a small while now," Y/N pointed out. Of course she wasn't going to be a child forever.

"That makes me feel old," Lee Know sighs, throwing his head back against the headrest in the car.

"Well, you are the oldest one in here hyung," Jeongin patted his shoulder condescendingly.

"Yah! Our driver hyung is older than me!" Lee Know replied, turning around and staring daggers at his youngest member.

Y/N couldn't help but giggle at the interactions they had. She was glad her brother was surrounded by such good people. She knew he had found it tough before when he saw his other trainee friends debut, not fully realising how isolating that must have been until a few years ago now.

"You know, you're pretty cool, Chris," Y/N stared in awe at the boat they were about to board.

"Thanks, sis," he wrapped her in a small side hug, not teasing her this time yet still having a bashful expression on his face.

They all boarded the boat, staff, crew, members. Not realising the two suspicious hooded figures following them on and instantly hiding. In fact, Y/N thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye, jolting around so suddenly she caught the attention of Chan once more.

"You good?" he raised an eyebrow at her, looking around now also.

"Thought I saw something... it's probably nothing," Y/N brushed it off.

"It's probably jet lag," Chan guessed, and Y/N nodded along anyways. It had been a long flight over, and she was feeling her energy slowly drop. Yet that didn't stop her from eagerly trying to pick up every detail of the shoot, from the camera angles, to how many takes it took the boys on different scenes, and to other unseen aspects of the shoot.

"So let me get this right, they're going to CGI a massive octopus in?" Y/N said with wide eyes, wondering why it would be there.

"Yeah, and?" Felix shrugged.

"And Seungmin is going to dance next to it for some reason?" Y/N clasped her hands behind her back.

"So?" Han shrugged. These sorts of ideas weren't really anything out of the ordinary for them.

"That's sick!" Y/N cheered in English, making the boys jump from her sudden mood change they witnessed, thinking she was criticising what was happening at first. They now understood she was just an excitable girl.

She had been diligently taking down notes on her phone the whole time, taking photos also. The crew had been worried at first that she'd reveal spoilers for the filming, but Chan reassured them all that Y/N was a good kid and she wouldn't do anything like that.

"Hey, Chris, is there a toilet on here?" two girls crouched on a lower part of the boat heard Y/N ask her brother. Of course they recognised the girl when they snuck on earlier. They were fans before their likes turned to obsessions, so of course they knew that Y/N was Chan's sister.

"Just downstairs one and to the left," they heard Chan reply and had to hide their squeals. Maybe if they saw Y/N, they could pretend to be best friends with her and then get closer to Chan. And then, once they got closer to Chan, they could become closer with the other members too.

Delusion was a disease.

Y/N put her phone torch light on as she headed down one flight of stairs and entered the bathroom, a light flickering on instantly. She went to enter a cubicle before a bright light shined in her face and left her wincing and feeling startled.

In reality, it was the two saesang girls' best bet in getting away before they were caught. And they didn't even feel bad for what they did. It's not like they went to the extremes of using a laser.

"Ah," Y/N winced as she rubbed her eyes, but she ignored it and soon returned upstairs.

"Are you ok? You look a bit disoriented," Hyunjin checked on the younger girl as he took a break, getting his hair and clothes touched up and adjusted.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just, a bit, I don't know," Y/N didn't know what else to say. She had a bad feeling now, swearing she had heard some giggles and footsteps running away from her after she was temporarily blinded.

"Is being on the boat all too much?" Seungmin asked, feeling bad for the girl who looked dazed.

"Hey, Y/N, why don't you take a moment, yeah, I know all the cameras and lights can be a bit overwhelming," Chan came over as soon as he heard the tone difference in the voices of his group.

"Ok, I'll just be round that corner, I'm going to look out at the river," Y/N told him, receiving a satisfied nod in response as she walked off. Perhaps all she needed really was just a breather. Yes, all the set and ideas were amazing, but it was very fast paced. What happened to their song, 'My Pace'?

Y/N giggled to herself, looking out at the water before she heard people approach her from behind.

"Chris, I still need some time-"

"Ah, so you are his sister..." one of the girls, looking around 20 years old, and staring down Y/N.

"Oh, are you staff here? Sorry, Chris, umm, Chan said it was okay to come down here, but I can move if-"

"No, why don't you stay?" the other girl evily smiled.

"Well, if you're sure..." Y/N nodded and turned back towards the water, before her head was yanked back and she fell to the floor of the boat with a thud.

"Hey!" Y/N shouted, but her mouth was instantly covered.

"You're going to give us exactly what we want, isn't that right?" a harsh voice whispered into her ear with gritted teeth. But Y/N shook her head pleadingly, not wanting to be caught up in anything violent.

"Stupid!" she was slapped across the face, letting out a whimper from the pain before she was pinned to the ground.

"Listen here, you little bitch. You may think you're living the high life as Chan's sister but you've got it all wrong. Now, you're going to walk back up there with and introduce us properly to that lovely brother of yours, pretend we got lost down here, just two staff members gone missing," a girl squeezed her wrists tight as Y/N couldn't move from her position.

"Ow, shit. Get off!" Y/N struggled in their grip, feeling terrified. This is certainly not what she expected when she came to visit her brother for an innocent work experience trip.

"Do it, now," they hauled her up and pushed her back towards where everyone else was working.

"I don't have to do anything you tell me. I'll just call the police and-" Y/N bravely began as she held up her phone but it was soon knocked out of her hands, and sink into the depths of the Han River.

"Oops," a girl innocently giggled.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Y/N shouted loudly, loud enough that she would be heard by the others, particularly her older brother who was due to go down and check on her because he thought she had been taking too long.

"Some may say that," the two girls cackled maniacally amongst themselves, like it was the best inside joke in the world.

"That was my phone! It had everything on it! I need it!" Y/N shouted once more, Chan, Lee Know and Changbin's footsteps becoming more rushed now. The other two immediately joined Chan on the way when they too heard the shouting.

Y/N had a pair of hands wrapped around her throat, the other unoccupied as the owner of them smirked and simply whispered.

"Aw, you better go get it then."

In a split second, Chan and the rest of the hyung line watched as Y/N was hurled over the edge of the boat, screaming as she fell before a splash was heard.

"Y/N!!!" Chan screamed in complete and utter panic. It was dark, it was cold, and now his sister was forced to try and stay afloat in such freezing temperatures like the waters of Han River.

"Are you crazy?!" Lee Know yelled at the two girls, who were excited to see the boys, not realising the consequences of their actions.

"Y/N!!! Y/N!!! Can you hear me?!" Chan heartbreakingly yelled as he looked over the edge of the boat railings and tried to see the head of his sister pop up.

Y/N felt her airways open before she cold help it. Ice cold water, working its way through her body as it traveled to her lungs and caused her to let out muffled pleas for help, trying to swim to the surface.

"Somebody get help! Someone fell in the water!!" Changbin used his loud voice to his advantage as he signalled the emergency crew with a lifeboat to drop down into the water and try and find Y/N.

"No, no, no, I can't believe this, no..." Chan whimpered, hands clenching onto the railing so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

"Chan, it's ok, they'll find her," Felix had come up behind him, trying to calm him down even though he himself was feeling the exact same way. All of the boys were. There was anger, there was panic, there was... grief too. Nothing had been confirmed, but the what ifs flying through everyone's minds had killed the thoughts in their brains telling them that there was still a chance.

"I can't see her!!! I can't see her!!!" Chan paced, running his fingers through his hair as he cried. He cried so hard. The members couldn't remember the last time they saw their leader like this. But he was a family man, through and through. He'd do anything to protect those around him, especially those close to him.

"Get rid of these girls!" Han lead over some staff members to the two saesangs who had been stood starstruck the whole time Lee Know cussed them out, only infuriating him more.

"Y/N!" Hyunjin tried.

"Y/Nnie!" Seungmin tried.

"Y/N!" Jeongin tried.

They all tried calling her but there was no luck so far. The boat had been deployed into the river and it had bright lights reflecting off of the water, hoping to catch sight of Y/N.

"I should have protected her! I promised her!" Chan angrily pointed out towards the water, tears continuously falling as his members wrapping him in their arms comfortingly and trying to keep him calm

"Y/N! I see her! To the right! She's there!" Lee Know yelled down at the boat operators, who quickly jumped into action as they grabbed the shivering girl, trying to make sure she was breathing as they transported her onto land, where the boys on the boat were now pulling in too.

Y/N didn't remember much of what happened. Her body slowly became more and more numb, yet it carried her to the surface of the water, where she fortunately was floating on her back. She coughed and spluttered, and it seemed to let her breathe with a bit more improvement. Or maybe it was when she was wrapped in a foil blanket, hearing shouts of her name and feeling the rocking of a boat as she was moved somewhere.

The ground felt flat. But she couldn't mistake the warmth of her brother, even in her haziness.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this happened to you, my Y/Nnie. I won't let anyone come near you ever again, I'll protect you. Chris is sorry, Y/N," Chan cried as he held his sister tightly against him, wrapping the blanket tighter around her and not caring about the discomfort he felt from sitting down in his tight leather trousers. Tears rolled down his cheeks, the other members gathered around and looking shaken up too, hands over there mouth or a supportive hand on Chan's shoulder.

"Please, can we pause the filming? I need to make sure she's ok," Chan pleaded with the staff, who immediately and wordlessly nodded at him, feeling incredibly upset themselves at what had happened. They had seen the brightness in the girl's eyes, when she asked them questions about how things worked and why they did them.

"We're all here for you, hyung," Changbin kneeled down next to Bang Chan and wrapped an arm around his shoulder at the same time. He knew how tough Chan could be on himself, and this was going to eat him up for weeks, maybe even years.

Y/N coughed, becoming aware of her surroundings and momentarily thrashing around before a gentle voice calmed her in an instant.

"Y/N, I've got you love, I've got you yeah, you're ok, you're alive," Chan tried not to let his voice break as he squeezed her tighter in his arms.

"The, girls, pushed, couldn't breathe," Y/N spluttered, her words coming out jumbled as flashes of the situation that just happened flushed through her mind.

"Sssh, sssh, I know, I know, but you're safe now, yeah?" Chan did his best to reassure her and stop her mind from going into overdrive, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Sir, we should really call get her to a hospital, she may have secondary drowning. We can't risk anything."

Within a heartbeat Chan was nodding, medics coming over as she was lifted into the back of an ambulance, and now, instead of Y/N, he was the one who was frozen.

"Hyung, come on, you need to go with her, we'll follow behind," Felix ushered him to stand.

"She... she nearly..." Chan spoke in disbelief, not wanting to finish his sentence as reality hit him hard like a truck.

"But she didn't," Lee Know said firmly, "go with her," he pushed him towards the ambulance.

Chan sat numbly in the ambulance, hand holding his little sister's, the youngest Bahng. What would his parents say? He had failed them, failed Y/N, failed his duty as an older brother. He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't even realise they had arrived at the hospital, and Y/N seemed to be more with it than before as she was being carted out the back of the ambulance.

"No, wait, Chan, I want my brother," Y/N whimpered as he went out of her sight, trying to tell the paramedics that she needed him. The other members had arrived too but she needed only one person with her.

"Hyung, we're here now, she needs you," Jeongin drags his oldest hyung out of the ambulance towards Y/N.

Chan stayed with her until she was discharged. He had no second thoughts to any news articles that would be dispatched, or what the company would say. All that was running through his mind was family, family, family.

"Chris?" Y/N weakly said from her bed. Well, it wasn't her bed technically. It was the one that belonged to the spare room in the dorms. She laid there wondering why this had to happen to her. If it wasn't for those saesangs...

"What is it? You need something to eat? Are you in pain?" Chan fussed over her.

"It's not your fault," Y/N whispered. Her quiet words shattered something in Chan's heart.

"Don't," he shook his head.

"I know that look, Chris, just don't blame yourself. It was those girls. You didn't push me into the river," Y/N spoke quietly, trying to make eye contact with her brother but he couldn't even look her in the eyes.

"Don't talk about it!"

"Look at me!" Y/N shouted, putting all her effort into using her voice and causing her to start coughing.

This made Chan go into high alert as he sat her up and patted her back instantly, like it was habit, just as he would have done when he first held her at the age of ten.

"I need you, Chris, please don't get lost in your own head, I need you here with me," Y/N teared up, and Chan knew that she didn't mean physically being there. This was a whole other matter.

"I'm sorry, it's okay, Y/Nnie, I'm here," Chan hugged her tightly, feeling her relax.

"I can't stop thinking about it," Y/N cried, shoulders shaking.

"This should have never happened to you," Chan wiped her tears gently.

"I promise you, you will never come to any harm again, ok? Me and the boys, we'll help you recover, we'll take care of you. No one will ever hurt you again, Y/Nnie, I swear."

tagged: @skz-streamer @oo-li

[allmightskitten]

Ao3 is down??!!! Well, sounds as good a time as any to post another instalment from the abandoned WIP graveyard!

🦩🐊❤️‍🔥

Abandoned WIP Graveyard:

do you think you'd like to buy me diamonds?

- a modern doflamingo/crocodile/corazon fic

- abandoned possibly temporarily, something to return to in the future if there's time

- was going to be E rated and nasty, but the preview I have for you today hasn't gotten there yet lol

- dofcora, dofuwani, both those things together AND corawani 🫣 also the crocodad theory is a thing here because of course it is ☝️

Extract below the cut:

It meant one of two things if he wasn't responding to their shared code of knocking thrice slowly, and thrice more in quick succession: one, he was neck deep in work, hunched over pages and pages of scattered drawings that had built up over the course of half a day, and hundreds of scrunched-up sheets in the bin, on the bed and floor, everywhere– or, two: he was pouring over images and information that he really shouldn't have.

Doflamingo was holed up in his room again, and Rosinante knew from prior experience that that was never a good sign.

Images and information that, Rosinante was quite sure, would be classified by most as 'creepy' to own or at the very least 'illegal'.

He tried the knock again. There wasn't anything terribly important to bother his brother about, but he needed to know as early as possible if Doffy would be free to drive him to Law's school play later this evening. He had got his own license suspended a few days back for reckless driving, which in his defense was more so bad driving than recklessness as his general clumsiness unfortunately translated to that aspect of his life as well.

"Come in," Doffy's voice came muffled through the door, unexpressive and distracted. Rosinante braced himself and let himself inside.

Yeah...

This was what he was afraid of.

The bedroom he set foot into was like a folder of evidence needed for a restraining order. Blown-up photos of him– 'Crocodile', the 40-something-year-old casino owner Doflamingo had become fixated on– lined the walls, stuck to them carelessly with kraft tape. Splayed out on the bed in front of Doffy were printed news articles and magazine clippings, every one about the same subject. Piled on the foot of the bed were an assortment of various items including brand new cigars, ties, bottles of wine and flowers.

Rosinante cleared his throat pointedly, drawing a pair of pale crimson eyes in his direction.

"I thought we agreed that stalking that man is dangerous." Crocodile had ties to the underworld too, ties that were very much not in line with their own. "It would be a lot less dangerous if you just visited his casino and started speaking to him organically."

Doffy slowly set down the magazine clippings he was stuffing into a transparent folder. He observed Rosinante for a moment, like he was reading his body language and all his tells he wasn't aware of himself, before a sudden snort-laugh escaped him loudly.

"Aw, don't tell me you're jealous, baby brother!"

Rosinante's cheeks felt hot.

"I'm not jealous," he sputtered, like the very notion was ridiculous. 

"It's okay," Doflamingo said placatingly, knowingly, sugary-sweet. He made space on the bed beside him and patted the sheets. "I've been neglecting you lately, haven't I? Let me make things right."

Rosi bit his lip. There was nothing remotely right about what Doffy was offering to do, and all the other things they had started to get up to in recent times– things one certainly shouldn't be doing with one's own family member, nevermind one as close as a sibling– but he knew Doflamingo felt no guilt and remained completely unapologetic for it.

Why the hell not? he'd whispered in Rosinante's ear a fortnight ago, when he had grown stiff in Doffy's arms, chilling realization hitting him like a freight train after evading him the entire time Doffy had been kissing him, jerking him off until he came. We're closer to each other than anyone. What does a little more closeness matter?

Oh, but Doflamingo's touch was addictive. His attention doubly so.

His body moved on its own to take the space Doffy had cleared for him. Short, cropped blonde hair was immediately in his lap as Doflamingo stretched his long legs out on the other side of the bed, grinning devilishly up at him as he slid his fingers into his big brother's hair.

It probably had something to do with their messy upbringing. Their years of separation before they found their way back to each other. The way Doflamingo spoiled him rotten with all the wealth he'd built up in the time he'd been gone, in stark contrast to the impoverished lifestyle Rosinante led until then.

Doflamingo really had no qualms about anything, and nothing was a step too far in his book, but Rosinante wasn't like that. He had principles and morals and knew right from wrong, usually.

Doflamingo brought out the worst in him.

Rosi cleared his throat, not wanting to go down that avenue right now. For his own sanity he'd have to avoid Doffy for another fortnight if today's interaction ended like last time.

"I need you to drive me somewhere tonight. Law has a role in the school play."

Doffy snorted, his expression immediately souring.

"What, is he a tree? Or perhaps the backstage help who moves the set pieces?"

Rosinante swatted him on the head for that, indignant at the implication.

"He has a speaking role, asshole!"

"Oh, does he now? So they managed to pull him away from his books enough to get him to audition?"

Rosi dug his massaging fingers into Doffy's scalp a little aggressively. "Stop being such an ass. He's eight, you can't keep having beef with an eight year old."

"He always starts it!" Doffy protested childishly. "I have never, ever started the fight."

"Right, like I'm gonna believe that."

"I swear!"

"Because your word is so honest." Rosinante rolled his eyes, but he relaxed his fingers, and Doffy immediately melted into his touch. "So? Can you drive me there tonight? You don't have to stick around and watch it."

"Mm, I was thinking about your advice, actually." Doffy reached up to touch his cheek. "About interacting normally with Crocodile, at his casino. I was thinking of doing that tonight."

Rosi squeezed his hand. "Dof, I'm glad to hear that. I really am, but I don't want to miss Law's play." Law hated Doflamingo. And the kid was very perceptive, scarily so– the last time Rosinante had missed the chance to be there for him because of Doflamingo, he'd automatically known who to blame. Rosinante wasn't keen on disappointing his kid either. Law had no one but him. 

Doffy narrowed his eyes at him, studying the expression on his face, the quiet plea to allow him this. It was unhealthy, it was wrong, just how much control Doflamingo had over his life, but he could be reasoned with if it was coming from Rosinante...

"Fine," Doflamingo said finally. "I'll drive you to the play. But I'm only dropping you off. I can't leave the casino early to pick you up after."

That was fine. He could take a taxi. The Donquixotes weren't supposed to be taking civilian taxis, that was dangerous and Doflamingo didn't allow him especially, but he didn't have to know that. "I can get a lift from one of the parents."

"And have you vetted these people?"

Rosi sighed. There was that paranoia again– though more than being paranoid it was probably being controlling.

"Yes, Doffy, I have. Having a kid in Law's class whom he recognizes is quite a difficult cover for one of your enemies to fake, you know."

"You never know," Doffy said darkly, seriously, but he seemed placated with the answer. "You don't have to go that far, anyway. I'll send one of my men to pick you up. Bellamy's schedule should be free today."

Rosi nodded, grateful and disappointed at the same time. He wasn't a huge fan of the life his brother lived and actively benefiting from it didn't always sit right with him. It wasn't like Doflamingo's underworld business that made him filthy rich was without victims.

Doflamingo patted his cheek, bringing him out of his thoughts.

"Not even a thank you, Rosi? Come here and show me."

Rosinante tried to pretend he was only placating Doflamingo when he leaned down to kiss him on the lips.

[imagineitdearies]

god I'm still reeling after the 22 chapter. what a mindfuck. also since you said you can talk about Astarion for hours let me take advantage of that.

so we know what Tyrus thought about this whole situation with forced bj but what about Astarion. i need his pov. was he dissociating by default, or enjoying himself despite the circumstances because it was Tyrus and feeling hella guilty afterwards?

and with the second part of the chapter what prompted his breakdown? pls ramble away ;)

Hi anon 🥰

Haha oh no, I've revealed my (very obvious) achilles heel!!

Yes yes, let's talk about Astarion in this scene 👀

As Astarion mentioned, he'd been studying up on Polymorph, hoping to prove he could be useful and an equal partner in their relationship, when Tyrus walks in.

Then Tyrus is acting off (the poor boy is not subtle about it) and 9/10 times it's thanks to Cazador, so Astarion assumes at the beginning that Tyrus has been assaulted again. And after hearing what Cazador has manipulated Tyrus into agreeing to instead, Astarion is both relieved and terrified. Their last time was absolutely awful for both of them, and at first that's all he associates this with--it's why he's so tense even whilst agreeing that he'd rather Tyrus do this with him than Cazador. Ch7 flashbacks 💀

And then he gets pulled out of it when Tyrus starts getting on his knees, reminding himself this time can be different to some extent, thanks to their bond and the lack of conditions Cazador set. At first, he's of the mindset "do the least harm," much like he was in ch4 first "teaching" Tyrus during initiation. Except this time he's sooooo much more attached to Tyrus and worried about his discomfort--not to mention feeling an unpleasant, niggling feeling of guilt about how much Tyrus has done for him of late only to now be giving him a blowjob as well. And Astarion has to shut his mouth and not offer one back even though he desperately wants to even things out because, well, he knows Tyrus too well 😂

We also have to remember that receiving a blowjob/oral sex isn't all that common in the prostitution business. Sure, it happens if the customer wants it, but very very rarely, and even then the point is always to make sure they're enjoying themselves, not Astarion, and it's usually just foreplay for the main event.

But with Tyrus in this scene, it ends up being very strange for Astarion . . . because he knows that Tyrus is not going to get his rocks off doing it. The point (besides Cazador's gross enjoyment) is Astarion's release, Astarion's pleasure. Which Tyrus does seem to care about, despite the circumstances. It's quite the novel experience.

So, while he's at first very focused and checking in on Tyrus's comfort throughout the scene, once Tyrus gets into a groove so to speak (😂) Astarion finds himself caught up in enjoying it, almost able to forget everything else, and just focus on the good parts: the physical pleasure, feeling close to Tyrus, and the pretty sight of watching him.

He's a bit confused when Tyrus ignores his warning, but his brain really isn't working enough to think hard about it before he reaches his peak and has to come down from that. Aaaaand that's when it all goes to hell in a handbasket, of course. For a split instant he doesn't understand why Tyrus would say such a thing--and then he does understand, his faculties returning to him enough that he knows who sent him this message. And all he can feel is disgust and anger, both at Cazador and at himself for enjoying it, because that means he accepted the gift.

Afterwards, his main concern is Tyrus, and then the discontent of feeling so helpless, so useless. Cue him bringing up Polymorph, and everything that follows!!

....I may have to make this a two-parter, because my ramblings are already huge now without getting more into what prompted Astarion's breakdown 😂😂

Part 2 of this Ask

[sideprince]

I've been thinking a lot about this incredible meta which I'm linking because it's a long post, that started off examining the scene in the Shrieking Shack in PoA from Snape's perspective (and then went very deep in incredibly, insightful ways - thank you @shakespearean-snape for recommending it! I'm almost done reading it...). The thing I keep coming back to is the way that Snape had no idea that Lupin wasn't in on the prank. Maybe I've just gotten too immersed in discussions around how Sirius used his friend as a weapon without his consent, but the other side of that is that Snape had no way of knowing this, and no reason to think Lupin wasn't in on it, especially as we're given reason to think Lupin had bullied him too, at least up until that point (which I'll get to in a minute). This is shown most clearly through this exchange:

“So that’s why Snape doesn’t like you,’ said Harry slowly, ‘because he thought you were in on the joke?’ ‘That’s right,’ sneered a cold voice from the wall behind Lupin. Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, his wand pointing directly at Lupin.

Lupin isn't able to get a word in edgewise after that, but when his patience is tested and he finally speaks up, he merely says,

“You fool,’ said Lupin softly. ‘Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?”

triggering Snape by calling him foolish and referring to his trauma as a schoolboy grudge.

We see in SWM that Lupin observes James and Sirius bullying Snape but doesn't actively participate, but we also see in PoA that when Snape tries to work the Marauders' Map, the imprint Lupin left of himself taunts him openly in a direct and personal way:

“Mr Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.”

It's implied that Lupin contributed to Snape's bullying more actively before the prank and maybe less so after (possibly reasons for this are in the post linked above).

Then there's this exchange between Lupin and Sirius, which takes place after Snape enters the room under the invisibility cloak, but before he reveals himself:

“Sirius here played a trick on [Snape] which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me -‘ Black made a derisive noise. ‘It served him right,’ he sneered. ‘Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to … hoping he could get us expelled …”

Whatever excuses antis might make for Black having tried to kill Snape when he was just 16 (or 15?), here he is as a fully grown adult responsible for his actions and well aware of the meaning and horror of death, and yet he's still doubling down and saying that it would have served Snape right, though he was still technically a child, to be killed just because he was nosy. It also underlines Lupin's lack of consent in the prank that he uses a passive voice to describe his own role, ie. that Black was the one to play the "trick" and that it involved him (Lupin), instead of describing it as something they had done together.

I find this to be the biggest contrast between Snape and Sirius - they have both seen darkness and suffered trauma and deep, deep losses as a result of where their lives ended up in ways that run parallel. Both lost their best friends and feel guilty for causing their death. Sirius feels guilt because his choice to abdicate his role as secret keeper resulted in James' death though his intention had been the opposite, and Snape feels guilt because he was the reason Voldemort went targeted and killed Lily, though that had not been his intention. Over a decade later, Snape has become a person who, while emotionally stunted in some ways, has changed his values and ethics and we see him become someone who doesn't harm Sirius even when he's vulnerable and unconscious, and who we later find out values life regardless of whose it is. Sirius, on the other hand, emerges from his own experiences at the same time to a place where he seems to be in a suspended adolescence in most ways and still feels it would be justified to cause Snape's death for being nosy. While it can be argued that Sirius, at this point in PoA is still experiencing his trauma actively as an escaped convict, I think it can also be argued that as someone who has seen and experienced the very real impacts of loss and darkness, it seems petty, vindictive, and skewed for him to still hold a grudge against a former schoolmate with the same intensity as he did before these experiences. ie. that most people, having seen the horrors of war, will think back on their perspectives of death and revenge as their old pre-traumatized self experienced them, and see the naïveté and childishness.

Therefore when Lupin says, "Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?” it feels ironic, given that Snape is acting on the urge to protect Harry and his friends from a man who not only showed his willingness to murder as a child but has doubled down on that choice as an adult just minutes earlier, and a literal werewolf who at no point has defended himself and made clear that he was not actively involved in planning the prank that could have resulted in Snape's death. Sirius, meanwhile, is right there, still immersed in his schoolboy grudge and filled with hatred for Snape who he must know by this point had been a spy for Dumbledore. After all, if he was aware from what he overheard in Azkaban that Peter had been the spy, then he must have also been aware that Snape had been one as well, given that Dumbledore said so openly in a courtroom full of people, including loose-tongued prisoners like Karkaroff.

That scene in the Shrieking Shack is so complex and laden with so much once you know the characters' backstories. There's also an interesting progression in the three times that we know Snape to be in the Shrieking Shack: the first time he nearly dies, the second time he's knocked unconscious, and the third time he does die. As a tragic character who spends much of the story willingly sacrificing himself it's almost as though Rowling is showing Snape to be going towards his death again and again until it's finally time.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Personally, as a dom, I've never experienced what I would consider a full-blown drop. I've had some close calls, but my (unfortunately) extensive experience with depression and other mental health problems has enabled me to be on top of knowing the symptoms of drop. I recognize them, and I can usually take care of myself if I don't still have access to the partner that I had a scene with.

So, if you're looking for something where I incorporate lots and lots of own experience into a fictional scenario in the same way that I did with this post concerning what it feels like to get hard (which, if I'm assuming correctly, was something you would've been interested in based on your wording here, lol) that isn't what this is.

BUT

I certainly have ideas for Chris experiencing it, and I couldn't get them out of my head. Even if I'm not currently taking writing prompts

Chris doesn't even notice there's anything going on with him until Sebastian calls him. Okay, well, truthfully, he doesn't let himself notice that's there's anything going on until Seb goes full decective on him. Then, his boyfriend pulls the emotions up in a big tangled ball from deep in his chest, somewhere behind his lungs and heart, through his mouth. Bringing them to his attention, better than letting them fester, but still painful.

"Chris?" Sebastian speaks first, voice just a touch tinny over the phone.

"Hey, babe," Chris mumbles. He's tired. It's the middle of the day in Massachusetts. He's on vacation. He didn't stay up last night. He has no idea why he's tired or why his back hurts.

"Hi!" Seb shakes him from his thoughts.

"...did you call for somethin'?" Chris replies, licking his lips, when Sebastian says nothing else, "it's, what, 12 there? Shouldn't you be in bed? What time is call in the mornin'?"

"Don't worry about it," Sebastian tells him, his voice smooth and easy, "I called 'cause I miss you."

Chris wants to huff and roll his eyes, but it won't come out. Instead, he weakly offers, "it's been three days?" Has it been three? Already?

"What, I'm not allowed to miss you yet?" Sebastian teases lightly.

Chris shrugs, forgetting that Sebastian can't see him. Dodger plops his head into his lap with a doggy sigh. It feels like he misses Sebastian, too.

"Besides," Sebastian's voice is softer now, "you've barely texted."

A big, fat question mark hangs over his head suddenly, "huh?"

"You haven't texted me. I mean, you have. You text back, but I've been texting you first."

"Oh?" Chris hasn't really... is he doing that? He hasn't meant to!

"Mmm-hmm, I'm missing all my Dodger-and-boyfriend selfies. Usually, I get at least one every day. Or if it's not both of my boys, it's just Dodger, or a tree or flower or the sky or your breakfast or something."

"Oh," Chris feels bad. There's a knot in his chest, and it's tightening. Has he been ignoring him? He's been... what has he been doing? He's been scrolling. He kept sitting down to read and not being able to focus. So, he gets his phone out instead and... disappears into it until Dodger noses him for walks or dinner or it's time to sleep, and he lays down and thinks about Sebastian and gets stuck in anxiety spirals. Not because of Seb but. Adjacent?

"Then when you do text back, I dunno," Chris can practically hear him scratching his head, "you respond to what I'm saying, but it's not... not the same," Sebastian finishes lamely.

"I'm sorry, baby," Chris says with his whole chest. He is. There's guilt knawing at him now. He's been absent. He doesn't--didn't mean to.

"It's okay, I just want to know what's up. Are you okay?"

Chris swallows.

Is he okay?

He thought, he doesn't know, but he thought he was having a good old anxiety spiral, missing Sebastian after his recent departure, and that ache for his boyfriend had just dug up some older wounds about not being enough. And thinking about not being enough came with friends. Unwanted friends. Friends that add to not being enough by telling him, actually, he's kind of disgusting. How can he control Sebastian like he does? If he loves him, how can he do such things to him? He's too extreme, isn't he? He's too controlling, isn't he? Is he even a good man at all? Why is he like that? Why does he want the things he wants? He shouldn't want them. Does Sebastian like it? Does Sebastian even like being dominated? Is he just taking advantage?

"Chris, honey?" Sebastian's voice sounds like honey. Sweet and smooth.

"Yeah?" Chris rasps, voice hoarse despite how Seb has been doing the bulk of the talking.

"Are you okay?"

"I--" Chris has a false start. He doesn't know what to say, or how to end that thought.

Now he's thinking about the last time he saw Sebastian. Before he left for the airport. They couldn't help themselves, transitioning from innocent to R-rated goodbyes. However, Chris did put his foot down, gently, over one thing; they couldn't have too intense of a scene when they were already running the risk of making Seb miss his flight. Chris would feel awful if they didn't have enough time for at least a little aftercare. If he floated too high, scene-ing too hard, Chris didn't want him dropping on the plane ride. The moment they had was satisfying regardless, with Sebastian on his knees and--

Chris misses that.

He misses Sebastian.

He misses the clarity of being with Sebastian. Touching him. Feeling him. Breathing him in.

So. He's thinking of what happened right before he left. He's thinking about what it's like to share a scene with Sebastian, not a scene on a film set, (although any of those scenes are magic), too. Because it's Sebastian. He's a fucking world class actor and a world class submissive. Of course, acting opposite of him is incredible. Of course, dominating him is incredible. Clarity and peace and focus. His submissive. Collaring. Protecting. Caring. Providing. Strength for his submissive but weakness, too.

An insatiable urge for him.

Only him.

Sebastian.

He would do anything for his submissive.

His partner.

"I don't know," Chris finally murmurs his answer.

Sebastian hums, "alright."

"Alright?" Is... is he supposed to add something here? He doesn't know what to say.

"Yeah, that's okay. It's alright. However you are, whatever it is, I want to know about it. Even if you don't know, y'know?"

A lightning strike of feeling strikes through Chris' chest. Raw and breaking. He tries to swallow around the weight piling up at the back of his throat, but all he ends up doing is choking for a moment.

Palms clammy, eventually, Chris manages, "h-how's the set?" he's clinging to his boyfriend's voice.

Sebastian rattles off one detail in answer, then another and another and another when Chris just keeps asking questions. Questions that pour over his lips and don't always make a ton of sense. That doesn't even matter. Why is he asking that? Chris can feel his battery, his energy, depleting--draining down to nothing, and yet his mouth is running a mile a minute. His thoughts are dragging on, slogging awkward and slow through mud, but his questions only keep coming. Paradoxical.

How are you? Are you okay? You're not too cold, right? It's winter there, isn't it? Are you having a good time with the cast? Do you like them? They better like you, do they even realize how fucking great you are? Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Do you miss me? Do you miss fu--

Chris is in the middle of his spiral, wanting, desperately to know everything that's going on in Sebastian's head when, suddenly, Sebastian says his name. He doesn't yell. Just the opposite, he whispers it.

Chris hears it.

Chris hears, more than feels, his mouth snap shut.

"Chris, baby, if you want to fly out and come see me, you can just say it."

"No, I don't. I," his voice comes out small, nothing like the rambling, louder, and louder mess he was just making, "I, I..." There's a heavy rock in his throat that he has to swallow dry and scraping, then, "y-yeah. Can I? You're not too busy?"

"'M never too busy," he reassures him.

Chris makes an aching sort of sound. Wounded. He can't help it. He knows that, and he's stupid for thinking otherwise, but he just... hearing it is good. He wants to curl up in those words, he wants to curl himself into a ball and bundle up in Sebastian's side and have him stroke his back. He's so tired. He misses him so much.

It's only been a few days.

At the same time that he misses him so fucking bad and he wants to be embraced and held, he missing him so fucking bad and he wants to take care of him like he should. But also like he shouldn't. Sebastian is grown. He can care for himself, and he doesn't need Chris to impose, bleeding his controlling longing all over him. Chris has always needed to be needed.

"That sound good, baby?" Sebastian asks once they have the details in place, when and where.

Chris nods. He forgets, again, that his boyfriend can't see him. Running in ceaseless circles. But Sebastian, magic, understands nevertheless.

Then, Seb signs off, letting him go with reassuring reminders to sleep and eat and take care of himself. He'll text him later, once they've both gotten some sleep.

In a few days time, the only way Chris can drag himself out of bed--one limb at a time, peeling the sheets back, and struggling his way into sweats, dropping Dodger off at his Ma's house--and make it to the airport is by knowing that all that stands between him and Sebastian is a few hours. He just has to make it through the plane ride.

A plane ride that he mostly sleeps through, despite having just crashed all night.

When Chris finally, finally fucking lands, he's moping through baggage claim and the, just, whole fucking airport with his baseball cap tugged low and his sunglasses, the largest, darkest pair he owns, hoping no one recognizes him and deeply wishing that he insisted on having Sebastian meet him at the airport. The passing thought entered his head but he was thinking less about himself and more about public appearances then. He's thinking more of himself now. And he wants Seb. So badly. He misses the way he smells and how he laughs and his eyes and--

He could've gotten a later flight that would've worked. Right? So Sebastian would be done filming for the day and he could've been here. Now?

Chris is vibrating out of his skin, fingers curled into fists around his backpack's straps and suitcase's handle. He can't wait to be alone with his boyfriend. He's closer to him now yet he just misses him more.

However, maybe it's a good thing that Seb isn't there. Because. The moment he is there... the paparazzi would have a field day.

The moment Seb lets himself into the rented apartment he's staying at for filming, the door isn't even closed! Yet, Chris is already collapsing into him.

His hands immediately land on his hips but they quickly wrap around his waist--wrapping him tightly, securely up in his arms while he buries his face in his neck. He's warm and he smells like coffee and sweat and Sebastian. Chris knows because he's pressing his nose as hard into the junction between his neck and shoulder and breathing him in as he can. He needs him. He's probably stretching Seb's shirt with how hard he's grabbing him, but he can't find it in himself to care--he'll pay costuming whatever they ask himself. His eyeslashes sweep shut. He already feels better. More centered. Steady. Like he's standing on two feet again, finding purchase on a softly carpeted floor of a familiar, warm home.

"Seb," Chris whispers into his skin like it's a prayer. He doesn't realize he's crying until he feels the wetness from his own eyes on Sebastian's body. He clings harder.

Sebastian squeezes him back, whispering too, "hi, baby."

They stand, hugging--cuddling, really, in the entryway for enough time that Chris' silent tears turn into sniffles and dry eyes. The feeling of Sebastian's heat against him echoes through his bones. He relishes in it. He doesn't stop clinging, though. He can't. All he can do is hold him and breath. Hold him and breathe as Seb heards him over toward the living room, bringing him with him and settling their bodies together on the couch, legs and fingers tangled, Chris on top of him, blanketing him.

Their hearts were racing, exilerated by the chance to be close enough to touch once more--in the same timezone--but now they slow. Steady and deep, chest to chest. Pumping blood and love through their veins, dissolving into their muscles. Lying lump and heavy, slumped into each other.

Chris tries hard to breathe out every drop of tension in his body under the soothing swirls of Sebastian's palms over his shoulders and back. It isn't hard to relax like this, when he's here, but the last dregs of emotion are especially deep seated, heavy, and hard to drain away. He shivers.

"Cold?" Sebastian asks.

Chris shakes his head. No.

Never.

Seb knows exactly what he wants. Seb knows what he needs. Seb knows what he feels somehow, even though Chris feels like a walking, unidentified swirl of anxiety. Seb knows what he wants to hear. Chris doesn't have to say a damn thing, Seb is just in his head, answering every silent question--rattling on in a soothing tone, I missed you so much. I miss everything that we do. I miss kissing you. I miss touching you. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss the things you do to me. I miss the things you make me feel. I love you.

They fall asleep.

Then, when they're awake again, late into the evening, and they've peeled themselves apart just enough to stand hip to hip, waiting for water to boil, mugs poised to happily hold their tea and honey, steaming away--Sebastian is back in his head, wandering around his skull, sight-seeing.

"Hey," Seb finds something that takes his fancy--that ugly insecurity that he's not what Sebastian wants or that he takes too much, he controls too much. He sees and he tugs him close.

Chris smiles.

"Remember when we first got together--"

"Yeah?" He already feels lighter.

"We were just barely hooking up and I told you, you could go harder on me. Then, when you didn't get what I meant," his grin is sly, his sparkling eyes shifty, "I explained it to you, and you..." he chuckles conspiratorially, "didn't spank me that hard at all."

"Hey!" Chris laughs softly.

"And I had to talk you up to doing anything more than hitting me on the ass sometimes." Sebastian kisses him on the cheek, "now look at you! Now you regularly blow my mind with how kinky we get."

Chris opens his mouth to say something, he's already chuckling, but Seb is there--

"You give me more than I knew how to ask for. I like it. I love it. And I have more than a lifetime's worth of evidence that you do, too."

Chris sighs, swaying into him, "I love you."

"Love you, too."

"Thanks for getting me outta my head, Seb."

"Anytime."

[marshmallowprotection]

I've been meaning to ask: there's a call on day 3 (?) i think, of Saeran's AE and the option is "i remember how i used to starve", what does he answer if you pick that option? I've never wanted to say that to him but i also want to know ;;

Okay. This is specifically an outgoing call you can get on the second day right after Jumin wakes up from the Elixir Gas. I'm going to give you the answer to every option the game gives you because I don't think I've seen anybody share the answers before in any threads online. You can tell him... four different answers to his question. This is what it will look like in your call history once you have it.

I'm putting everything under a cut because there's a lot of images.

Saeran is speaking to you for the first time since you were dropped off at V's house in the mountains, and he wants to ease your fears. Granted, I do think he's trying to ease his own fears, too. Reminiscing seems to be the best way to do that in his mind at that point. "This is the first time that... we've been separated since Magenta, isn't it?"

So, you can respond to him in four ways. Here are the options that you can choose from at that very moment. Most people... do not click the one that talks about starvation. Personally, the first one I clicked on my first walkthrough, of course, to take my breadcrumbs for Ray. But! I have the answers to all four!

Do y'all want me to say as much as I'm thinking about Ray when we've already heard it a billion times since he first appeared in the game from me? Probably, why else would you be here? It is appealing to me GE Saeran is capable of pointing out that Ray and Suit Saeran both are trapped in cages, though. Now that's what I call growth and reflection.

The two of them and their experiences cultivated who he is as a person and understanding them both at a core level shows a lot of perspective into how he feels about those two. He carries their love, mistakes, fears, hopes, dreams, nightmares, and everything in between.

So these little comments as few as they are in this DLC, are the breadcrumbs you want to see.

In this statement, it is the reflection that stands out to me. It is a fact that he is able to understand what went wrong back then. How Suit Saeran thought he was doing what he needed to do to be strong and have the things he wanted, and how those things were not the same as what he intended.

He understands strength does not come from anger and animosity. True strength comes from devoting yourself to the right thing not because you know it gives you a reward, but because it was the right thing to do.

In contrast to the starvation comment, you can tell him you warmly remember all of the food Ray made during that time. Ray put a lot of thought and care into making sure that you were able to have something delicious.

In fact, if you've ever read his diary, you would very well know how long he spent trying to learn different recipes since they are outlined in the diary itself. I don't know, I prefer this more if only because it shows his devotion and care toward you.

Yeah. I don't know what I expected from the "I remember how I used to starve." option, but it crushed me emotionally. Not only does it do the worst in reminding him how he used to have food withheld from him as a child, but it also brings the guilt of knowing that even if you did forgive him for what happened with Suit Saeran, he still isn't able to forgive himself yet. It's proof that GE Saeran wants to be better at every chance if you wish to have him in your life.

He'll fight to be a better man every day.

[my-writings-and-musings]

Hello!! Um, if it’s okay, could I ask for a RB Chase x reader? I’ve been drowning in college assignments lately and I barely have time to rest/eat :(( It’d be nice if it included some comforting <3

I hope this was okay, have a good day/night :> 🫶

I know that experience well, anon, so have this and good luck on your assignments!!

For those who don't know: if you like my writing style, you can always commission me, and please reblog to help spread my work! Thank you!

The light of your desk lamp was nearly blinding at maximum brightness, but you didn't dare turn it down, and even made a point to keep it right over your notes for the most pronounced effect. For all the pain it caused your eyes, it was well worth it to stay awake. You didn't dare drift off with so much more to do...

Alone in the bunker for privacy, you occasionally paused to check the time and found it increasingly disheartening, the late evening turning to early morning with so little progress to show for it. Between assignments that were presently due and studying for those that would be due layer, you weren't sure you'd ever be finished with your work. Your primary comfort was in knowing that you'd be able to sleep once it was done, and even if you only got a few minutes before you were needed for something else, you considered that more than enough. Just imagining closing your eyes for fifteen minutes sounded like heaven.

Between the exhaustion and your focus, you were very easily snuck up on, even by someone over fifteen feet tall who made no attempt to actually sneak.

"Y/N? Why are you-?"

Jumping like a startled cat and sending multiple papers flying, you turned to find Chase behind you, servos up in a disarming gesture. Letting out a sigh of relief, you felt your blood pressure drop as you sat back down. Your exhaustion must have made you jumpier than expected, as surprises from the bots had never frightened you so intently before. 

"Apologies. My intent was not to frighten you." Chase said with as much sincere guilt as his monotone could carry. Feeling guilty yourself, you massaged your tired eyes to try and meet his gaze without looking like a sleepless zombie, almost able to feel the bags forming beneath them.

"It's not you, Chase, I'm sorry I jumped." you replied as he kneeled down to speak at a more even level. Looking into his optics brought you a significant amount of comfort, which almost made you feel worse about how little time you had for this conversation. There was nothing you wanted more than to just relax and converse with the mech you loved, but you simply didn't have enough energy to split between him and all the work you still needed to get done. It didn't help that your traitorous brain was reminding you of how comfy it was in his arms...

"You appear... exhausted." he said plainly, hesitating before he settled on his usual bluntness. You'd have smiled if your body wasn't struggling just to sit up.

"I've got a lot of assignments to get done, so I've been pushing my bedtime back a bit." you explained, trying to play down your exhaustion while steering the conversation in a way that would allow you to politely get back to work. It was far too tempting to just forget everything and chat with the assignments being so incredibly boring, and with his presence being so wonderfully calming... you had to pinch yourself just to keep your head from dipping under its own weight. You must have been less convincing than you thought, because even Chase had to slightly lift a brow at your obvious underselling.

"It is three eleven AM, that is more than could reasonably be defined as a "bit", by any acceptable definition." he countered, gentle but firm in his refusal to back down. You wilted a little at how quickly you were seen through, but your dedication to your work refused to allow you a chance to surrender. There was a part of you that just didn't like being helped.

"Well... yeah." you conceded as your fried brain scrambled to think of what you could say. Of course Chase was worried, it was in his nature to fret, but you were determined not to admit you needed any kind of help when you were so confident no one else in your position would have needed it. Not meeting his gaze, you tried to smile in a manner you hoped would read as reassuring. "I'll get some sleep once this is done, I promise."

Chase bent down a little lower, getting more on your level and not bothering to hide he was looking you over. "You appear to need it most urgently right now." he said in summation, pushing you into more arguing even as a growing urge within you wanted nothing more than to submit. 

"Fair enough, but I just don't have the time. If any of these assignments are late-"

"Can you not request an extension on the deadline?" he interrupted, concern growing more evident as you leaned against your desk to stay upright. He hovered a hand by your side, and you took it instinctively for support, an act you immediately regretted once you felt the warmth of his armor against you. There was nothing you wanted more than to lean into him and let his considerable strength support you...

"I... I wouldn't want..." you couldn't even manage a rebuttal through the fog in your mind, and worse still, you didn't even have the energy to be upset about it any longer. The pages of notes and the spread of open books on your desk turned to a blur as you held on to the cruiser's arm, head resting against him as your eyelids grew heavier than stone.

"Could it be requested on your behalf?" he pressed further, offering his other hand to tilt up your chin. Like a cat, your neck went limp and you allowed him to support the weight of your head, your tired eyes meeting his optics as you managed a single word.

"Maybe?"

Softening his gaze, Chase let out a tiny sigh, speaking with a level of inflection that more fully conveyed his concern. "You need sleep, Y/N."

"Probably..." you conceded at long last, worn down more by his efforts in five minutes than you'd been by hours of your body demanding what it needed. There was no denying you'd pushed yourself to your limit, but you just couldn't bring yourself to go any further with his presence being so comfortable and your desk being so hard and unwelcoming. You thought fondly of the time you'd fallen asleep in his backseat during a long drive, and how safe you'd felt and how deeply you'd slept... There was nothing you wanted more.

"Definitely." he said to finish the argument. You actually helped him pull you to your feet, but when your tired legs wobbled under your weight he simply scooped you up and pulled you to his chassis, flicking off your lamp with remarkable dexterity. Being cradled in his arms drew a sigh of absolute relief past your lips, and it was almost impossible to stay awake as you felt his warm embrace all around you. Chase moved away from your little workstation and moved quietly through the bunker, his voice a distant but pleasant echo that barely reached you. "I cannot access your bedroom, but the couch has blankets and pillows."

You felt the plush fabric of the couch meet your body like a cloud, and when you instinctively reached to tuck yourself in the cruiser beat You to it, delicately pulling a blanket over your body before he slipped a pillow under your head. A final burst of stubborn independence compelled you to assure him the extra effort was unnecessary. "You don't have to do this, Chase."

"I know." he confirmed softly. There wasn't enough in you to reply, but before the bliss of long overdue sleep took you away you were aware of being tucked in and the blurry image of a rare smile, his words reminding you there was nothing you needed to face on your own.

"But I want to."

[a-pretty-nerd]

Choose Me

Viktor x afab!fem!reader

Chapter 9

Summary: You are "salvageable."

Chapter 8

Here is a link to the updated Masterlist of the series.

Warnings: VIEWER DISCRESSION IS ADVISED! Some real Frankestien shit this chapter. Descriptions of a corpse, violence, gore, reanimation. You mean science went wrong, again!? Gasp! No! You ever just wanna go apeshit?

A/N: I've been really looking forward to writing this chapter because it was very important to me. This fanfiction has been a lead up to this and the following chapters. I'm sorry it took so long, I was going through it. But I hope you guys enjoy this addition.

"Salvageable..." Viktor spoke in disgust, "you call your own child...Salvageable?" He spat at your father. He had pulled himself up to lean on his worktable, the morning paper clutched to his chest in one hand. He glared at the man who stood before. His stomach turning with the rage of a hurricane.

"I was lucky she died on my property otherwise it would have been far more difficult to pass the fake off to the authorities. The blunt-force trauma she suffered in her fall can be fixed with some simple iron work."

"I don't believe what I am hearing..."

"You are not the only man of scientific genius in Piltover. My team and I are confident that with the help of hextech we could-"

"You and your team of lunatics are mistaken!" Viktor shouted, his fingers clutching the newspaper he pressed to his chest as he supported himself with the other.

"You are speaking to an investor, son! I suggest you watch your tone with me!" He threatened. Viktor shook his head.

"I suggest you leave, immediately." He turned his back only for your father to swiftly approach him. He grabbed his shoulder and wrenched Viktor back to face him.

"I don't think you understand what I'm saying. You have a chance to make things right here." His fingers dug into Viktor's shoulders. "We could perform the ultimate miracle. Don't you see? You could bring her back to life..." Your father's voice became soft and encouraging. Viktor paused. He thought for a moment. Could it be? Did he really have what it took to bring you back from the dead? All his trials, all his failed experiments just to cure himself. Could it really work? His curiosity was getting the better of him. When Viktor didn't answer your father, he just patted him on the shoulder. "Think it over, son. I'll see you at the funeral."

Viktor did not attend the funeral. He found himself trapped amongst his work, trying to understand what your father meant. What he had done to convince himself that hextech could reanimate a dead body. As far as Viktor was concerned, it was impossible. He couldn't even begin to solve the issue of keeping his subjects from rotting. So how could it bring anyone back from the dead?

Jayce went to your funeral in Viktor's place. He mourned you the way a friend should. Standing tall in his suit with a frown and a few well-intentioned tears as "your" casket passed by him. He said a small prayer to the body that laid in your place. He found himself frustrated by the whole thing. He watched as familiar faces young and old cried for their loss. You had drawn an impressive crowd and yet amongst them Viktor was absent. By the end, Jayce received a telegram informing him that Viktor was being held by police for breaching the blockade Jayce had enforced just days prior.

Viktor sat and watched as Police forces held back an angry mob of furious Undercity residents. He coughed into a handkerchief as his mind swirled with intense emotion and fear. Guilt making his body feel heavier than usual.

"Jayce, what is this?"

"Do you have any idea how this looks? I order a blockade and my own partner violates it!?" He hissed at him as he approached.

"You, ordered this? Why?"

"There are people down there hell bent on destroying us. What were you doing down there!?"

"I was consulting someone about..." He paused, "about our quandary. I told you I knew someone."

"Well you didn't say they were from the Undercity!"

"What difference does that make?"

"What difference- They're dangerous!" Viktor's eyes narrowed at Jayce.

"I'M from the Undercity." He reminded him with a cold gaze as he got up, smacking Jayce's hand away as he tried to help him up.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I've just...had a lot on my plate and today...I...well, was your friend able to help?" Viktor considered Jayce's question for a moment.

"No. No he said nature was resistant to this sort of...tampering." Viktor lied as a vile of curated shimmer sat patiently in his pocket.

"We'll keep at it then...You uh...you missed the funeral."

"I know." Viktor nodded.

"You should have been there." Jayce told him softly as they walked back together. Viktor shuffling along side as he shook his head.

"No. No I don't think I should."

"Look, I know how close you were. You can't just ignore this. Who cares what her shitty father thinks, you had every right to be there. To...to mourn that loss." Viktor gritted his teeth as Jayce smoke. He knew Jayce had very little idea what the reality of the situation was, and his previous insult and disregard was beginning to grate on Viktor's nerves.

Behind them the crowd shouted as a flaming bottle was thrown and crashed on the path behind them. They watched for a moment before Viktor spoke.

"I have work to do." Viktor dismissed him through his teeth, trying to keep his composure. Jayce couldn't believe Viktor could be so cold and unfeeling. He watched Viktor leave as more storm clouds began to roll in from above.

What does it feel like to be dead? You might say there is a form of release. Floating in weightless nothing as consciousness slowly erodes. Perhaps that wasn't death. Merely the in-between. The darkness you wade through like when you're close to falling asleep. The voices you heard sometimes sounded familiar. Sometimes a word or two said by voices you recognized but couldn't identify. If this wasn't death, what was it? Where were you?

Sometimes there was music. Yes, music. Violin, piano, flute. A voice singing along with muddled words. Memories, perhaps.

Viktor was escorted in by your father's staff. He had doubled the security, doubled the efforts. Viktor's eyes inspected every inch of the house as he was brought up to the attic. For the first time he saw the home you grew up in. The oddly sterile and formal home your mother made and your father maintained.

Viktor's stomach tossed and turned as he followed your father's hulking and disheveled being into the attic. His breath caught in his throat. He froze at the sight of the room. The intricate machinery, the crudely made controls, the hextech inspired work. Viktor was disgusted. His first inclination was to get away, to run. But the guards behind him kept him there. His frightened golden eyes flashed over the table in the center of the room. His heart sank. Thunder and lightening crackled outside as the yellow lights cascaded down.

"The storm is upon is, sir. We are ready to begin." The mad doctor said, wearing bandages from wounds you gave him a few nights ago. Your father nods and thanks the man as they begin their preparations. The old man turns to Viktor with sad, tired eyes.

"I'm sure as a man of science you're curious to know the procedure when it comes to these things."

"These things?" Viktor asked firmly, fighting back the urge to lay into the old man. He nodded with a somber expression. He pointed towards the table in the center of the room. Draped in a cloth, the shell of yourself lay.

"Unfortunately, she's been a bit more scuffed up than other subjects." He hears your father's voice as the doctor slowly removes the cloth. Revealing your body. Viktor's heart stops for a moment as his eyes adjust to the sight. It's your body, but it's not you. You aren't there. Your head is partially shaven and metal disks have been used to patch up your broken skull. Down your middle is a massive autopsy-like cut that has been carefully sewn back together. "So we had to improvise. We repaired her broken bones with hearty metals that will continue to heal with time. We were lucky her organs were mostly unharmed. It made the removal of some easier."

"Removal?" Viktor asked curiously. Your father nodded.

"We had to remove a kidney which had be pierced by a broken bone as well as her uterus. If we let the embryo fester any longer it would have rotted her from the inside out, and then we would have nothing. Once decomposition sets in, they're lost to us." Viktor tries to process his words. He tries to process everything, but some words stick to him and suck out all his attention and energy. He blinks a few times before looking up at the old cowboy. One word stands out in particular.

"Embryo?" His voice is low and soft, as if he's afraid to say the word at all. Your father's face turns deceptively sympathetic.

"Did she not tell you?" He asks abruptly. Viktor's brows furrow as his eyes narrow at him in confusion.

"She was..."

"Yes, son. I'm afraid so." Your father straightened his posture as he walked past Viktor. He turned his attention to the machinery, checking wiring and tubing and calculations. "But the time to worry about that has passed. We can still save her."

The storm crashes above them. Switches are flipped as the air becomes electric. Viktor can feel little static shocks as he holds his crutch close. Leaning on it as the sudden pressure in the air forces him into a coughing fit. He coughs blood into his handkerchief as the machines around them vibrate to life. The roof is opened and the cold night air floods the room. Viktor looks up to watch your father approach your body. In his hands are the unmistakable hex crystals Viktor and Jayce supplied. The very thing you gave your life to stop.

He watches in frozen horror as the mournful man places the crystals in your empty eye sockets. While the doctor prepares a syringe. The purple liquid sparkles brightly. A deep purple that leans more blue than red. Viktor recognizes it. Shimmer. No doubt something that has been engineered by the great Mr.Y/L/N himself. How is he so confident that this will work? How does he know? What other subjects have there been?

The shimmer is injected into your hollow veins, intermingling with your still blood. It pushes through, forcing blood and shimmer through you as your shell lays there, waiting. The men stand back, their eyes leaving you to look up to the storm above. Your father backs away to stand firmly by a lever. He looks at Viktor.

"You might want to brace yourself, son." His voice demands. Viktor's eyes frantically dart between him and your body, until the flash of lightening from above distracts him.

"All hands stand by!" The doctor shouts formally. As if he's done this a thousand times. "Ready!" All eyes stare up at at clouds above as the wind blows through the room. Viktor rests himself against a control panel as he watches with sick curiousity. Wide, watering eyes observing every movement. He watches as several rods of metal fight against the harsh storm winds. Reaching out for a chance that lightening will strike. As if sent by the gods themselves, lightning stretches across the sky like the veins of an electric beast. They flash and then suddenly a blinding light strikes upon them. Without hesitation your father switches the lever and electricity is funneled through wires and tubes.

Sparks pop wildly into the room as they try to sheild their eyes with goggles and arms. Viktor hunches over to cover his face as the machine's vibrations turn to uneasy rattling. Your body jerks wildly as the energy is funneled into you.

You begin to shake violently. Crashing down to earth as the concept of feeling returns. Your body clattering against the metal table while your consciousness is pulled back. Pain. Nothing put pain. The nothingness gave way to feelings. Physical. Your mouth opens as air is pushed out of your lungs. Announcing your gruesome return by pushing the air out of your lungs. Your eyelids snap open as the hex crystals spark to life as if they were your own eyes. The magic and shimmer and electricity course through you. Your mouth let's out an inhumane shriek.

They duck in pain as they cover their ears to the sound. It rings on for far longer than it should have as the room trembles like there's an earthquake. The rattling of the machines turns to concerning shaking. Sparkes flying when they shouldn't be. Your father shouts something at the doctors, demanding that they stabilize you.

Viktor unshielded his eyes to watch you. There you are. Shrieking in pain as your body is wracked with tremors, a monster of your former glory. He shakes his head. Hot tears streaming down his cheeks as wide eyes burn the imagine into his skull forever. He scrambles back towards the door. He runs. The best he can, he escapes back out into the night and doesn't stop until he's home.

Leaving you to shriek again as the building shakes. The windows shatter at the frequency of your voice as you come crashing back to earth.

[gamequeenanya]

I may have figured out FNAF.

(Aka: "Phone Guy and the inherent tragedy of every developed FNAF character.")

Now, this isn't some deep theory post. It's just my observation watching the characters of the series and what happens to them.

FNAF is and always has been, a tragedy. (Everyone already knows this in relation to the ghost kids, but let's look deeper.)

And all this time I've been wanting more character development for my faves, I failed to realize that they already had it. But in the opposite direction as I may have liked.

You see, FNAF characters - every single one of them that even has a character to speak of - goes through a fall arc. Every single one of them (even the few who get rescued in the end, like Vanessa.)

Michael Afton has a fall arc (Bite of 83, and his gradual deterioration in the Sister Location Custom Night)

William Afton has a fall arc (his envy of Henry leads to his downfall, and then leads to himself getting Springlocked and deteriorating physically as well as mentally)

Other characters can have either a physical or mental state of getting worse as the story goes on, but many have both.

The Glamrocks get dirtier - and most of them are broken by the end. Glamrock Freddy survives but by the end, only his head is left.

There are exceptions to this rule - we don't yet know what Steel Wool is going to do with Gregory and Cassie - but for the most part this story is about everyone suffering because of FNAF, even if they start out in a relatively good place at the beginning.

Now to the part I've been waiting to tell.

All of Phone Guy's calls through the three games are about a fall arc. (Yes, even FNAF 3. It's subtle but it's there.)

He starts out as an older teen/young adult who seems really happy and excited to be a part of the Fazbear Experience. Listening to the tapes, you can hear the smile in his voice as he's reading the script.

But then, gradually, he starts smiling less and less. If you listen to the first tape and then the last tape back to back, you'll notice the fall from grace... What started out as a sweet, happy young man turns into a sad man with guilt and trauma. And even though he is telling us to "Remember to Smile!," he no longer puts any effort into even faking a smile by the end.

And it gets worse when you realize that this is someone who is bearing the burden of something he didn't do. People who are too nice often find themselves bearing the burden of other people's actions. And it feels like this is the case here. Phone Guy did not want anyone to get hurt on the job. Whether they actually listened to his tapes or muted him is not clear, but the fact is it would upset him greatly to hear someone got hurt on the job, and bear the guilt of the incidents. Phone Guy is good at hiding his emotions and pretending everything is fine, but as I'm listening close during a deep dive, it's clear his heart is affected by this.

That's not even getting into what William Afton did... Phone Guy has to pretend to be happy and smiley, but he can't help get passive aggressive when he finds out William broke the rules.

And then, listening to the less subtle ways the restaurant broke his heart... He went from a cheerful youngster wanting to work for a company that seemed like a lot of fun, to someone just trying to keep it together for the next person. By FNAF 2, he "succeeded." He's "lucky" because he gets to be paid more as a manager. But FNAF 2 contains probably the worst trauma ever for him... failing to save five children, and then dealing with the guilt. Then, (for whatever reason), he steps down from his previous position to take the night shift. Well, I have an inkling why, but it's dark. Does tumblr still allow us to say it without censoring it? I think the reason is that he's punishing himself for not being able to do more.

And then the FNAF 1 fall arc. This has all led up to the most unconvincing attempt of hiding his emotions we've seen so far. Phone Guy here is nervous. He's frazzled. He knows he's going to die. (But goshdarnit if he isn't going to talk to the nightguard he's training and try to help as much as he can.)

(And I know a lot of what Phone Guy says is just Scott trolling the player, but I can't help love it and want to analyze it nonetheless.)

And how could this be complete if I also don't analyze the trailer line:

"Hello hello? If you're hearing this, you've probably made a very poor career choice!" - If every other instance of Phone Guy lines can be dismissed as not being dark humor, I think this definitely is. But take a moment and consider: who is he really talking about here? The player is not going to have a long career at Freddy's. Nightguards at Freddy's tend to be a short time gig (for whatever reason). Whose job can safely be called a "career" then? It's Phone Guy. He's talking about himself. He regrets working here and he wants to warn you away from the job... And why would the trailer line be cut from the game? It isn't out of character. It's just something Fazbear Ent would not let him get away with saying.

Basically, this is the first instance of the FNAF fall arc, but it's a darned effective one. It's a tragic tale of a man who just wanted to have fun at a place that seemed nostalgic and happy.

[the-music-maniac]

I'm relatively new to ORV, I got into it a while back and then ran out of time to continue (the novel is long AF lol) but as I'm getting back into it, I've realized that ORV is one of the most main character centric fandoms I have ever encountered before.

And tbh I think that's why I've been having so many issues getting invested in ORV fanworks. Specifically shipping ones. It's super rare for me because usually I love reading fanfics.

Before I start talking about my thoughts I just wanna make a disclaimer that I'm not trying to attack anyone. You should interact with media and create stuff however you wish to! Lord knows that I'm not exactly unbiased about my blorbos (I would die for them and you can tell from my posts) but I just kinda wanna talk about this because it's such a unique experience. Never before have I encountered a fandom that is so centered on one character.

Like I hope y'all know what I'm talking about and that I'm not just talking out of my ass. Everything in the ORV fandom is super Kim Dokja centric. On one hand, I really do get it, he's a great character. He's not my favourite character but he's a lil rat bastard and I think he's so fucking neat. And how centred the storyline and moreover the people in the story are on Kim Dokja is to a certain extent, canon. He's their leader and also the person keeping them safe. He's the one who reached out in their darkest moments and pulled them to the light. And he's a traumatized little bitch. Oof. A certain amount of hero worship and protectiveness is valid.

What I can't really wrap my head around though, is the lack of development between other members of the group in a lot of fanworks. This is specifically fandom interpretations of the characters btw, I haven't finished the story fully, so I can't speak on how they are canonically but I have seen people's stories and thoughts. And this isn't always the case of course, I have read fics before where our protagonists all appear to have relations with each other outside of their care for Dokja but it... wasn't as much as I was expecting. Which is weird to me because ORV is super good at writing like. Well written and thought out characters that would be super fun to play with in writing. In developing connections and care for each other - creating a found family. At the beginning they're all tied in by the need for survival and circumstance, they don't even necessarily like each other, and so of course they all gravitate to Dokja, that's to be expected, that's who they're familiar with. But eventually I expect they would learn to care about each other too, y'know? It's difficult to not get to know each other when you're living together daily, fighting alongside each other to survive. I don't believe that they wouldn't develop care for the other members of the group, and people who care about each other don't tend to genuinely threaten each other anytime Dokja gets hurt, especially when it's not anyone's fault - like usually it's in response to one of them "not doing enough to protect him" which makes no sense to me. You don't guilt trip people you care about for things outside their control. Moreover, Dokja is his own person - he will do what he will do and you can try and prevent it because you care about him, sure, but it's also unreasonable for others to expect anyone to be his keeper enough that they get angry when Dokja gets hurt due to his own actions or to situations outside of their control. People in general also don't have their entire character and world centered on loving one person. There are fics I've read where all the characters don't even seem to have any hobbies outside of spending time with Dokja, and I say this because they all literally fight, tooth and nail, over Dokja's time. It feels out of character to me. And yet this characterization is also so common???

I don't usually mind fics that so clearly have a bias towards one character because it's valid to write what you wanna see, but I think it's how saturated the fandom is with those types of works that makes me feel weird. It makes me stop seeing all the characters as individuals in their own right. Having no wants or needs or hobbies outside of Dokja makes it seem like they're just accessories to the story of Dokja's life. The story itself becomes less compelling to me, because it becomes less of a narrative of how Dokja has helped these people and their responses, and more of a world that bends over backwards to worship this one character, using all the other characters as tools to do so. Because if this is meant to convey gratitude and love, its illogical to how it usually works. Specifically in that, you don't lose your own identity or your connections to other people because of it. And I find it hard to interact with this level of saturation of those tropes because at a certain point, I start losing sight of the canonical writing of these individual characters as their own people. I start losing the idea I have in my mind of their canonical personalities. And I don't like that feeling. And because Dokja also isn't my favourite character in this story - I still like him, don't get me wrong - I start feeling indignant on the behalf of all the other characters that are not getting development BC of the concentration on Dokja.

I also don't like it when the banter goes away. Like you can care about people and still enjoy messing with them, I'm not sure why caring about dokja translates to hero worship??? I annoy my friends all the time, and they do it back. It's fun. Like that thing the group does where they can't see Dokja's face and just unanimously decide to tell him he looks bad when he asks about it? That's peak friendship. Peak messing with your sibling energy. As far as I've seen Dokja isn't self conscious about that either (then again I haven't read the entire story yet), so like. What gives? It's canonical that they mess with Dokja - but a lot of fics just get rid of that element.

I also find it especially hard when it comes to shipping, specifically Joonghyuk and Dokja. The reason why I love Joonghyuk and Dokja's dynamic so much in the first place is because they view each other as equals. It would be very easy to place either Joonghyuk or Dokja onto a pedestal - but they don't do that to each other. They know each other pretty damn well and they care about each other even though they're so in denial about it. And you know that thing they do where they act like the other is the worst person in existence and then negates it all by repeatedly devoting themselves to saving them? That's my shit. That whole "you're so fucking annoying but if you died I would kill everything in this room and then myself." The whole "what was that?" "Affection." "Disgusting. Do it again." THAT SHIT. I love that about them. And like the platonic relationships, a lot of shipping works get rid of that type of banter when they shift to a romantic relationship. Like yeah, sweet talk and honesty is important. You should let your partner know you love them. But that's not gonna be all there is. I don't see a need to get rid of the banter because as the story goes on, it's clear that even in canon, eventually the harsh words they say to each other stop being genuine because their actions negate the words. They don't mean them in the first place, so why would that banter change once their care shifts from a platonic to a romantic one? And I could perhaps be okay with that shift from banter to sweet talk if it was MUTUAL, but too often I see a situation where Dokja continues to insult Joonghyuk but he doesn't return it in kind. Joonghyuk is very blunt about his love for Dokja - which is good - but Dokja doesn't do the same back, and for some reason that's fine, and then Joonghyuk also no longer has those very human moments of annoyance when Dokja does some stupid shit. Like I guess I could understand the characterization of Dokja being emotionally constipated cause he's kind of a traumatized control freak and I can see how getting him to talk about his feelings is like trying to get a cat into a bathtub, but it's not like Joonghyuk isn't also like that? It's not really as much of a compelling relationship if one person is telling the other everything, giving care in words of affection and the other person isn't returning it. And you could depict that returned care in other ways, absolutely, but again I don't see it in other ways either, because those stories are still so Dokja centric.

Another factor is that I find that I can't really like a ship in a work where one of the characters is elevated to a point where they can't do anything wrong. Where their own needs are always at the forefront and their partner is always catering to it. Like a relationship is a give and take. We focus a lot on Dokja's trauma - which I love, that man needs sO MUCH THERAPY and it's an interesting topic to explore - but we don't focus on the amount of shit Joonghyuk has had to go through. I very rarely see a shipping fic where Dokja tries to address Joonghyuk's trauma or his hurt. Physical hurt sure, maybe, but that other shit that Joonghyuk bottles up?? Never talked about. My man has had to keep living lives over and over again. Has had to see people he love die, make hard choices. There is no way he's not traumatized to shit, and I'd like that to be a focus some of the time, y'know? Moreover, of all people, Dokja would be the one to understand him the most? One, he's the only one who really knows the whole truth about Joonghyuk, or as much of it as you can, and two, they both have taken on very burdensome leadership roles in a situation where few would be able to understand their position - it makes sense for them to lean on each other mutually, and so far there's a very prominent skew, only an exploration on one side.

And I pretty much haven't seen a shipping fic with Dokja and Joonghyuk where Joonghyuk has recieved any form of platonic comfort from the other characters. I've seen plenty for Dokja. Where he gets comforted/helped by both Joonghyuk and all the other characters. But not for Joonghyuk. If y'all have any recs where Joonghyuk has that, PLEASE recommend it because I need. And sure, it can be argued that Joonghyuk is a hard man to know considering his prickliness but regardless, he DOES have canonical platonic relationships. People who care for him. Who would be protective over him if he were to get hurt. That is not something only Dokja has, and yet it's something I only ever see written for Dokja. Y'all need to remember that technically Dokja doesn't act like any less of an asshole sometimes than Joonghyuk. He's more outwardly approachable sure, but he's not necessarily sweet 100% of the time - he has grit and he's a rat bastard and that's my FAVOURITE FUCKING PART ABOUT HIM. The fact that he's a rat bastard and the fact that not everyone likes him. His interactions in a world where he does have to make hard choices or say things that put people at odds, or hurts others when he didn't mean to. I love that about Joonghyuk too. They suck and they both have so much capacity to be kind despite all the shit they've gone through, but they're not able to see that in themselves and they do bad things because they have to, and I think they're so fascinating.

Y'know out of all of this, I think what cracks me up is, knowing Dokja's character, he would be absolutely appalled at how centred all of it is on him only. Like. Like that's literally the opposite of what he wants 🤣🤣. Like I get that makes people want to do it more because he deserves it and whatnot which is valid but like. He would be quite disgruntled 🤣🤣🤣

[moa-broke-me]

Survivor's Guilt: a very long percico drabble

Percy graduates from college, after four years of hard work. He celebrates with his friends, his mom, his stepdad and baby sister, his girlfriend... Then he goes home and cries.

And cries,

and cries,

and cries until he runs out of tears. Then he downs a bottle of water and starts crying again.

How could he do this to them? Live a normal life, a happy life, accomplish things and go to parties and eat cake, when some of his closest friends would never be able to do any of those things?

There's a landline in his dorm, which he was allowed one last night's stay in to pack before he was off to the races. They installed landlines in CHB too, but who could he possibly call?

...

A phone rings in cabin thirteen. Thanks to the time difference, it's nearly midnight in New York, and this is one of the precious few nights that he's able to get himself to sleep.

But whoever's calling him... He gets the feeling, down in his gut, that it's important.

So he, begrudgingly, answers. "Hey..." He croaks out, still rubbing the sleep out of his eye. "... Are you good?" Whoever it was on the other side sounded... Distressed. Like they'd been crying.

"Hey, Neeks." Percy? "Um... I don't know why I'm calling you, I just... I don't know. I feel like shit right now, and you've got a lot of experience with feeling like shit. So I thought... I'm sorry, I'll just hang up-"

"No, no, don't... Don't hang up." He didn't want Percy to feel guilty or ashamed for reaching out for help. Even if it was midnight, he still wanted to be there for his friend. Because that's what he was to him now, a friend. A very dear friend, who he used to have feelings for, but that's all in the past now. Obviously, he's got Will now. "What's wrong?"

"I... I don't know. I guess I just... You know the whole graduation ceremony, right?"

"Yeah. I wish I could've been there, but Will was sick, and he needed taking care of. And since he's too proud to get officially checked out by his siblings... Sorry, this isn't supposed to be about me. But is that what you're upset about?"

"No... No, it... It isn't that. It's just... I just couldn't stop thinking about... About everyone. About Silena, and Charlie, and Zoe, and..." ... And Bianca.

He pushed aside the clench in his own heart. "... Survivor's guilt?"

"What?"

"Y'know, when you... Feel bad for... For making it out alive, when other people didn't."

...

He was silent for a moment as something clicked in his head. "Is... Is that what it's called?"

"Yeah..."

He sniffled, he must've sounded pathetic. "... Yeah. Gods, I feel so whiny..."

"Hey, hey, don't do that. Don't start feeling bad for feeling bad. It's ok." His voice was gentle and soothing, and made his heart rate go down immediately. "It's ok, you don't need to feel guilty. You're only human, after all. Well... Figuratively speaking, anyway."

He let out a laugh. "Yeah, I know." Gods, all he wanted was to hear his voice go all soft like that again, to tell him everything was ok, that he was safe, and he didn't need to feel guilty. To feel his bony fingers carding through his hair, his arms cradling his torso. He wanted to be held. By him specifically. He didn't understand why, but something about him was... Special. "... I wish you were here."

...

Something fluttered in his chest. No, no, he's just a friend. "Yeah... Me too. Maybe... Maybe I could shadow-travel?"

"No, I-I don't want you to get all tired." He almost wanted to coo at how concerned he was.

He settled for a silent smile, and a pink blush that would be undetectable under the phone. "I'll be fine, I'm sure of it. I've gone a lot farther, with a lot more to carry. Besides, you..." You sound like you need to be held. Of course, he couldn't say that, it would sound too romantic. "... You seem upset. And I know a phone call isn't the same as being there in person. So... See you there." And with that, he dissolved into the shadows.

...

Seeing Nico appear, sitting cross-legged on his bed, he almost wanted to laugh. He was wearing very expensive-looking satin pajamas, black with white pinstripes and a patch of an anatomically correct heart overlayed right on top of where his actual heart would be. But that wasn't the funny part, the funny part was that the pajamas were about two sizes too big for him, and that his hair was sticking up every which way, almost looking like devil horns.

But his warm, sincere smile was nothing short of angelic. "Hey." He took Percy's hand. "Is there... Anything you need? Anything to eat or drink?"

"Um, I'm good on that thanks. I just... I just need you." He stopped. "Sorry, sorry, that sounded clingy."

"No, it's... Fine." He hesitated. "What do you need me to do?"

He chewed his lip. "Um... Just... Stay with me, please?"

"Ok... Do you... Wanna cuddle?"

"How could you tell?"

He shrugged. "You were holding yourself." He hadn't even noticed that. "Come here." He held his arms out.

Percy hesitated for just a moment. Normally, Nico hates physical contact. Why is he offering it so freely now?

But shortly, that moment disappeared, and he gladly welcomed Nico's embrace. It was a bit awkward with the height difference, but Percy eventually laid down and let Nico lay on top of him. Very suggestive position, he noted detachedly, but they didn't like each other that way, so what did it matter?

He stroked his back and hummed a little. "It's ok. You're ok. You haven't done anything wrong. You... You deserve to move on, to live your life and... And be happy."

Percy could feel his throat getting knotted up again. "They deserved that too."

"I know. And it's not fair that they didn't get to. But they're ok, y'know? They're in elysium, or the stars, or they've been reincarnated and they're somewhere out there as a totally new person, making the best of whatever life they're born into. They're gonna be ok."

"It's not... Just... That they're dead. It's that they died, in so much pain and anguish, some of them hadn't even had their first kiss yet. Some of them died unclaimed. Some of them... Some of them didn't even get a proper funeral."

"They did. Well... Not a proper one, but they got headstones at least. I made sure to that." Nico sighed. "I know, it's still... Bittersweet. But that's the best I can offer. And... And Percy?"

"Yeah?" He croaked out.

"... Look, life might be painful sometimes, but... It can be beautiful too." His fingers ran through his hair as he sat up, tenderly cradling Percy's head in his lap. "You need to treasure it, ok? I know you're going down a bit of a spiral right now, and that's ok. It's ok to feel like shit. But once you're done feeling like shit, you've gotta go back out there and live." He leaned down, cupping his face in his cold, cold hands. "There, now have I made you feel any better? Even just by a tiny bit?"

"Mhm." His face broke into a smile as his arms slung around Nico's waist. "Thank you, I..." I love you. Where was that about to come from? "... Thank you so much, for being such a good friend."

"Anything for you, Jackson." The phrase made blood rush to his face. What was that supposed to mean? Could it be that he... No. No, absolutely not. Not his type, remember? "Is there anything you need? Anything at all. I... I want you to be ok. And I know I won't be able to magically make that happen, but... If there's anything I can do that could help you along with that, I wanna do it."

He sighed in contentment, looking up admiringly at Nico, so sweet, so loving. "Like I said, just... Stay with me. Actually... Do you wanna spend the night?"

...

"I... I don't know. Will may have been fully recovered, or at least insisted he was, earlier today, but I still don't wanna leave him alone in case anything bad happens to him. He... He still needs me."

Percy pouted. He was so cute when he pouted. Wait, what? "I need you too."

"I know... But he wouldn't see it that way. He... Tends to be the jealous type. And although Happy Will is a dream come true, Jealous Will is a nightmare to deal with."

He sat up next to him now. "... Really?"

"Yeah. Even talking with another guy a little too long was enough to set him off. If he found out that I'd gone so far as to shadow-travel all the way here to hang out with you, when he knows I used to have feelings for you, and that I spent the night in your dorm room, all because you called me late at night... He'd be livid."

Percy looked at him skeptically, almost seeming... Concerned. "What does he do when he's set off?"

He shrugs. "He just gets childish and snarky, gives me the cold shoulder. The worst part is that I can't talk him out of it, and if I try, he just doubles down. But... I can't blame him. He's been cheated on before."

"He has?"

He nodded. "Well, maybe cheated is the wrong word. Nothing actually came of it, but she tried to make it happen. You know about Drew, right?"

"Yeah, she uh... Jason told me about her."

He chewed his lip. "... That was his girlfriend."

Percy's jaw dropped. "What? No. I thought he was gay!"

"Bisexual, actually."

"Huh..."

"... Yeah. Anyway... So I get why he has trust issues. I do too. Maybe not the same kind, but trust issues nonetheless. And he's working on them. He's been getting better... And this is gonna really set him back if he finds out about it. So I need to go, right now." He stood up, but his knees were like jelly, and he almost immediately ended up with a mouthful of dirty college dorm carpet. "... Ow..." How did he not realize how weak he was? Maybe because he'd been sitting the entire time.

He heard Percy's deep chuckle behind him. "Ok, that settles it. You're staying with me." He picked him up off the floor, carrying me bridal style. "Hey, maybe we can go get breakfast with Hazel tomorrow morning before we leave for New York."

"Wait... You're driving back to New York for me?"

He shrugged. "I'm already going back. Why not drive you home too? You could definitely use a break from shadow-travel."

He laid Nico in the bed, and he smiled up at him. "Thank you... Why are you going back?"

"Eh, I wanna be with my mom."

"... Huh. I guess I always just assumed that you and Annabeth would get an apartment here right after college."

"Me too." He laid next to him. "But y'know... You're not the only on having relationship issues."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... It's fine. She's fine. She's great, actually. It's just... I don't know. The spark is just... Gone, somehow. And it sucks, and it scares me, because I... I wanna keep loving her. I've got a good thing going, I know I do. I know I'm lucky to have a girl like her. But... Here lately, I just don't really... Feel anything. I'm hoping a little distance will make my heart grow fonder." He sighed and pulled him closer. "... Goodnight, Nico."

And just like that, Nico was out like a light.

[rjschoicesstuff]

Most cursed Cas x Gabe art I've ever drawn I think, before book 2 I hc'd that they knew each others as humans and were turned very shortly after each other and obviously it's been debunked but by that point I was so attached to it, I won't let go of it. So I kept it and instead let new backstory stuff from book 2 influence what I already had.

Also am I the only one who's like kinda disappointed their flashback sprites didn't get different looks?? The upside is that I can just come up with something myself lol but still 😔

More backstory stuff after the cut

I'm gonna tryyy to keep this short-ish + nothing is set in stone especially because I still have a few chapters to go because I'm non-vip.

I imagine that Cas didn't grow up in Crimson Beech but moved there to a new foster family when he started his sophomore year of highschool. I imagine Cas was very shy as a human + has been bullied so much at previous schools that he'd just stick to himself and not try and stand out to avoid getting on anyone's radar. While Gabriela even back then was very well-liked and popular. I think they only really got to know each other due to a project they had to do together in one of their classes, after which they kept in touch because they really enjoyed each others company. I think Gabriela has always been someone who likes to be there for those that have a harder time fitting in, but she genuinely enjoyed his company. They develop feelings for each other after a while and eventually become a couple in their junior year. Cas never managed to integrate in her friend group and was even met with some resentment from Gabe's other friends. Never outright bullying but just them not really liking it when she'd bring him along because he'd just cling to her and only speak when spoken to.

The picture would've been taken at homecoming in their senior year and a few weeks later Gabriela's whole family would be murdered and she'd be turned into a vampire and be kept in the Nexus. Her grandma died in the Nexus soon after due to her injuries. The town thinks the whole family died in some kind of very violent robbery. Cas obviously really struggled in the period after that, I also imagine no one ever really bothered to check in with him. He starts skipping school more and more, causing him to be held back and have to redo his senior year the year after. I imagine this year he also gets bullied again and combined with the guilt and anger he feels surrounding Gabriela's 'death' it turns him into a very resentful person.

I'm not sure how they went about it yet because I can see multiple options that I like. But in an attempt to maybe help Gabriela integrate better and accept her vampirism, Cas would get targeted to become a vampire too.

I imagine not a lot of vampires were actually involved in killing Gabriela's family and I do think especially a lot of Clements didn't really agree with what happened but only found out after it happened. Tho I think it's very complicated for some because they have personal experience with her ancestors. But I think due to this she did have a lot of people who took pity and tried to help her integrate. And why Cas was nonetheless excited to become a vampire because most of them didn't have anything to do with killing Gabe's family. Like he didn't turn just for her.

I also always imagined that all vampires have their coven assigned to them after being turned because I hc that some have high prey drives that can't be repressed or it'll just make them unstable around humans. And this is the main thing that determines which coven you'll join. (Ik this got debunked but HDVS) I also hc that vampirism often alters someone's personality to some degree, or amplifies traits that were already there.

While I love the idea of Gabriela doing the first bite during Cas' turning ritual since this is always someone close to the human, I like to stick to the canon here still, I think she refused and stalled up til it was time for the last bite and by which point he was in so much pain he was begging her not to do it (So he was That person she talks about in the church scene in book 1). I think Cas really does look back to it fondly, in a weird way, while to Gabriela it was just horrible and traumatic to hurt him like that + it was implied that too much venom would just kill a human so I think that didn't help lol.

I imagine once Cas was turned, it quickly became clear that he did have a high prey drive and would join the Venandi's. I think this was also the start of what lead up to their break-up because Gabriela was disturbed by the kind of person he was turning into. While Cas was hurt because he sort of viewed this as like her only liking him when he's meek and weak, like (he thinks) he used to be as a human and like she doesn't accept his true self. And all this caused a lot of resentment between the two and is also the reason why they got so awkward when they are asked about who turned who in book 1. (Idk I'd like to go deeper into all that at some point but this is starting to get So Long)

Bonus pic:

She still has a bunch of pictures from back when she was human. And despite how things turned out between her and Cas, she cherishes that picture because it's one of the last pictures where shecwas human and before she lost almost everything she cared about.

Cas would just think it's an embarassing picture and hopes she never shows Ripley. (She will and Ripley loves the picture)

[lenaperseveranceoxton]

It's been a while since I've posted any sort of character analysis, and I'm bored, so... here we are! I was mildly inspired by this post, but I've had the following on my mind especially since this video came up in my YouTube recommendations a while back.

Can we talk about how STUPID the chronal accelerator is? I hope that the Overwatch Declassified book sheds some more light on it, but I don't think the narrative teams across the franchise's lifespan ever really put much thought into it.

In Reflections, Lena wears her chronal accelerator out by zipping all over King's Row.

Notice how there's still a slight blue glow. So, does it have enough power to keep Lena anchored in time but not enough to let her control her "own personal timeline"? I honestly don't mind that as an aspect/caveat to the chronal accelerator. I promise I'll get back to this point.

In Alive, Lena uses her chronal accelerator to recall JUST before the bullet that killed Mondatta hit her.

One could argue that she anticipated Widowmaker's shot and got lucky. Still, this scene is set in slow motion. Is it purely to make it more dramatic, or does Lena perceive everything around her to be slower as she controls her own personal timeline? I think the latter would make her more interesting as a character, because it would mean that she had more than a split second to decide to dodge the bullet, only adding to her survivor's guilt.

Okay, deep breaths. We're treading into what I would argue are the most annoying portrayals of the chronal accelerator.

I'll get the first bit out of the way: London Calling has a lot wrong with it as a story. I've given my complaints on this blog before, but I'll give a recap. No offense to Mariko Tamaki, but her experience of writing for Marvel and DC comics is apparent. They tried to lean into the superhero aspect of "Tracer", and it misconstrues Lena as a character here and there.

As for the chronal accelerator, it starts electrocuting Lena after Widowmaker slams her into a wall at the end of Alive. After Lady's funeral, Lizzy follows Lena home and sees her being electrocuted half-to-death on the sidewalk, and they use parts sent by the one and only S. Paceape to repair it. Lena doesn't hear Winston's warning that the fix is temporary, and she blinks all the way to Iggy with no hiccups. Then, as she snatches Iggy from Kace, she says "Just need the chronal accelerator to hang in there for... got ya!" and it suddenly starts electrocuting her again. Obvious inconsistency there, as Lena shouldn't have known the chronal accelerator was about to electrocute her when it was most convenient for the plot, but why are THESE parts from Winston temporary? She gets them right after Mondatta's assassination, and she doesn't get electrocuted before then. She speaks about Winston as if they're not in regular contact, and Winston simply mails her parts on occasion.

Why did Babs Tarr draw her like this? Why is it that these parts are suddenly temporary? Winston would know that Lena uses her chronal accelerator REGULARLY. She prefers to use it over taking the tube, for example. All of a sudden, his parts can't handle a short walk to the Underworld? The writing did BOTH of them dirty in this comic. I can't lie.

Now, onto the thing that frustrates me the most: the Doomfist Origin Story. Remember my point about it being interesting concept for Lena to be able to slow down her perception of time? I feel like, with this origin story, they focused so much on portraying Akande as the cold and calculated warrior that he is that they made Tracer look ESPECIALLY inept.

It would've made more sense for Akande to study the fighting patterns of Genji. He very clearly dislikes Asa Yamagami in that one OW2 interaction he has with Genji. Surely, a light bulb would've gone off like "Ah, this cybernetic ninja fights quite like a student of Asa Yamagami. I might be able to predict his next move."

Time to bring this essay full circle! Remember my point about Reflections kind of implying an interesting concept of the chronal accelerator having just enough power to keep Lena anchored but not enough for her to control her own timeline?

Rewatch the Doomfist Origin Story. Seriously, look at how much Lena is blinking here. I think it would've been more fitting for Lena's character if her overconfidence led to her burning her chronal accelerator out and leaving her defenseless, frozen like a deer in headlights. It would also fit Akande's character, as he would know that Lena would eventually tire herself out (maybe not to the extent of her life support device giving up on her, but my point stills stands). Akande would still be able to destroy Lena's chronal accelerator, presuming that it would take her out of the fight for good, and the plot would move on the same way.

Now, I don't know how to end this, so I'm just going to say that Lena "Tracer" Oxton is my original character. I'm taking her from Blizzard's grasp. No one understands her like I do. 😔

[champagnepodiums]

Don’t know why MV still take his dad everywhere,this ‘human’ easily became pure pr disaster by just standing there with a dead man face when son’s teammate celebrated winning race on merit,and made people think as father as son,apple won’t falls far away from the tree

Once MV can’t get rid of his dad he can’t realise Jos’s abusive behaviour and makes himself not become easily angry and arrogant as his dad,this relationship won’t benefit him in the future and may hurt him badly

SO before I answer, I want to preface this by saying that my father and Jos Verstappen are the same sort of man who subscribed to the same parenting philosophies. So a lot of what I'm about to say is going to be colored by my own experiences with my father.

There is this term that is used for emotional abuse called FOG which stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt and to be very honest, I suspect that Max is in the 'FOG'.

It's a shame that people look at Jos and Max and see 'like father like son' and not 'Max is a victim of abuse' (and I don't say that lightly but judging from the stories that Max has told publicly about his childhood, I think it's a safe assumption). And I think there are whole conversations to be had about how children are viewed in society and the fact that childhood abuse to a certain point is absolutely acceptable and applauded.

Unfortunately, at this point, I feel like an outside force is going to have to act to get Jos away from Max -- whether that be the team or Max's partner, somebody would have to say, "No, Max. He needs to not be here." And Max would still probably push for his dad to be there because he would know exactly what would happen if he wasn't. the FOG is so powerful, I cannot stress that enough.

In general, I wish people would speak with more empathy for Max when it comes to his dad. Obviously there is a lot people dislike about Max and I'm not saying he gets a free pass but when it comes to his childhood and having his dad at races, I do see Max as a victim here. My heart hurts for Max because I've been in his position and it is so emotionally draining and awful and I would not wish that on anybody. It is my sincerest hope that one day Max will be able to step out of the FOG and be able to really heal from his childhood.

[trashlie]

I've been hoping for Shinae to have some much needed girl talk to help her reflect. It's a matter of sharing different perspectives. Using only her own experiences will not be enough to navigate her through relationships or life. This a great opportunity for her to vent her frustrations with something so personal and open up to the girls. I don't think she ever has before.

There's a panel in episode 203 where Rika advices Maya "you can't tell him you like him just because he gives you attention." She can impart her wisdom onto Shinae so she can put an end to her wishy washy feelings and figure out who she likes.

And then there's Maya! She was the one pushing for Shinae to date Dieter and helped set up her friendship with Nol. And she happens to be the most privy to her friendship with Minhyuk. She can compare the differences in her behavior towards the boys and help distinguish her feelings. If there's no doubt Shinae cares for Nol as much as she does for her best friend, then get her to think about why this friend in particular is able to fluster her, overwhelm her, rile her up, and hurt her this deeply in ways Minhyuk never has.

And the words will echo, "Because you love him." Or maybe the answer will haunt her in her kissy kissy dreams.

While I'm dying to see Maya, the shipper come out, I also want Shinae to mention Alyssa, the girlfriend. Would she become another bodyguard like Minhyuk, weary of the friend who acts hot and cold? (Her own guilt also being tied to their incident) Or would she realize Nol had the positive affect of opening her up where Alyssa's negative impact closed her off? Something even Minhyuk never quite managed to do.

Besides Dieter can snap at dumbass Nol instead. Boy deserves it. He's a hypocrite sending mixed signals to Shinae by drawing her in only to push her away again. Not to mention he's been keeping everyone at arm's length. But I also feel like Dieter has in some ways kept his distance from people because of his military brat lifestyle. He's used to people coming and going so he never bothered to get to know the real Nol and was even ready to let him go without a fight. He's always been passive and I think standing up for himself and voicing his feelings about this situation will help him become more proactive in his relationships because the two people involved, whom he loves and admires, inspired him to be.

I want their friendship to grow stronger from this. For all three of them.

Speaking of Alyssa. It is going to be devastating watching her go down the wrong path. She's impressionable vulnerable and being influenced by the worst people imaginable who want her isolated from anyone who can help her. The more her popularity rises, the higher the stakes will be for her. She'll have several rumors following her around but they can be swept under the rug with power, money, and good PR, for a certain price she might be pressured to pay of course. I can even see her continuing to turn against Nol and Shinae out of self-preservation, if their bad history threaten to make everything she's been through go in vain. What was it all for if all for naught?

That's why I think the real final blow is going to come from Yujing exposing the fxk out these monsters in charge. Despite her being a victim of something bigger than her, the public will want to tear her apart and paint her as ugly an image as her groomers. This is all worst case scenario and maybe things won't go so bleak for her.

I just want her to break free, redeemed or not, whether of her own will or others fighting for justice for people like her.

Spoilers for ILY FP 234 in here! Scroll away, scroll away if you do not want to be spoiled!

Oh Nonny you do not know HOW BADLY I have been wanting this Maya and Shinae Girl Talk! Or maybe you do lmao but look I CANNOT WAIT I CANNOT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!

There's something about how Shinae and Maya are starting over as friends - real friends, friends on the same level, because don't get me wrong, Maya has always cared about Shinae - why else did she tackle Kousuke at the hospital if she didn't? - it's just it was so clouded by all of her jealousy, too. They never found a way to connect because Shinae had never been interested in the things Maya is - and not even because she looks down on Maya's interests, there's just never been room in her life for her to indulge in these kinds of things. Fashion and make up are things she can't afford so she doesn't take interest. It would just make her feel worse about what she can't have. Romance has no room in her life when she's been living day to day just trying to survive.

But finally!!! FINALLY!!!!! She has made a sense of peace for now, and FINALLY she is feeling something that Maya can recognize.

I think, yes, Maya is so perfect for this role not only because she is the one with the silly romantic fantasies, but YESSSSS because she is the person who has watched Shinae change since Nol entered her life, has watched how Shinae has grown since befriending those boys.

Something that I keep remarking on is that so much of Nol and Shinae's relationship has developed outside other others' views. Do either Soushi or Dieter even know what transpired at the formal? I can't imagine they do! So much happened that night that transformed Shinae's life and made them into people she can depend on, and while Minhyuk and Simhan can concede Shinae is acting out of character, they can't fathom WHY she would be, besides the obvious fact that she needs sleep. But MAYA. MAYA is attuned to these things. She's the one who can connect the dots.

I desperately need BOTH an echo of "Because you love him" AND a kissy kissy dream. I'm so greedy, I need it ALL. If that's what it takes to get through to Shinae, SO be it. To watch her reel in abject horror at the idea of having FEELINGS of LOVING in that way and be further haunted by it in a dream that leaves her feeling bereft upon waking? GIVE IT TOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

I might be in the minority here but.... considering the way Maya seems to ship LMAO and the way she loves all those really bad shoujo manga lmao I wonder if a part of her wouldn't be really open to the whole idea of it lmao. Like, oooh so saucy a forbidden romance? And what's more? His girlfriend is that ex friend of yours? STEAL THAT MAN FROM HIM!!!!!!!!!! lmao Maya, like Minhyuk, has that protective streak when it comes to Shinae, but I think Maya also has a favor for romance and romanticizing things. Also lmao is Shinae even going to MENTION Alyssa? Much like everyone else but Nana, I wonder if Shinae has even remembered Alyssa, if she would dare confess that the boy Maya thinks she likes (so not ready to admit her feelings lmao) is dating the very person who gave Shinae all of this trauma lmao

Because yes, I think like you suggested, Maya might see the positive effects Nol has had on Shinae, how much she has GROWN since meeting him. The fact that Shinae has never so much as had a crush on people that she can tell, and now she's beating herself up over him? I think where Minhyuk is trying to calm down his guard dog instincts lol, maybe Maya would approach it from a different angle, less practical and pragmatic.

It could even be something more so like... asking Shinae to imagine what her life would be like if he DID leave. Could she bear that? Less about what kind of person he looks like and more about what kind of person he turns her into. But also I would love if Shinae could open up a little about Nol - so far she's only talked to Minhyuk about him and even then he doesn't know EVERYTHING. I want Shinae to tell someone about the formal - that the drugs weren't Nol's but instead they belonged to someone Nol was trying to save her from, that he took the blame for someone else's doing. I don't think she's even had the chance to really clear his name for everyone else! They just know what they've seen in the media, on tv. Just the whole fact that like.... he was trying to save her is so important in understanding part of what makes Nol so special, that the Nol she knows isn't what the media is trying to make him out to be ;__________;

I really do look forward to getting to see Dieter call out Nol and, yes, be a little more proactive in his own life. Even if he's gotten used to people coming and going, I want him to call out Nol for the fact that he was just. Going to leave them like that, like he felt like it wouldn't impact their lives when it does! Something about everything that transpired on this night is that Shinae is the ONLY ONE yet who knows why Nol did that, who knows how he feels. I mean, I like to hope his I love you hug reached them, but he also owes Dieter and Soushi some explanations.

But yes, I also want him to call out Nol on how he's treating her. Like... she cares SO MUCH about you how can you keep hurting her, how are you going to put the moves on her and then shove her away like that? When all Dieter ever wanted was for Shinae to maybe change how she feels about him, to see him in a new light. And fine, it won't happen, but the very least Nol could do is treat her better, stop hurting her, stop lying to all of them ;AAAAAA;

It's a much needed heart to heart that will improve their friendship, I really feel it! There's a lot of clearing the air that needs go to on, but I can't fathom Nol walking forward without his friends at this point. It's that juxtaposition between him and Kousuke - he has what Kousuke doesn't ;A;

I just want her to break free, redeemed or not, whether of her own will or others fighting for justice for people like her.

SOBS NONNY YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I FEEL THIS, TOO ;___________; and seeing other people express this!!!!!!!

and that's the thing, isn't it? You're right - no matter what gets exposed, so many people are always going to hold it against her whatever happens to her. Even if it becomes evident she was groomed, that she's been manipulated, that these powerful people have been preying on her, there will ALWAYS be victim-blamers. There will always be people who shame her for chasing fame, because none of them know her. That's the crux of the prison Alyssa has created for herself. She wants love and validation, but all she will receive is conditional love - and that's not love. They'll only love her as long as she has the image they want, as long as she does want they want, as long as the investors are pumping money into her - and we don't want to talk about what she'll have to do to continue to earn their favor ;_____;

No one - none of those fans, none of those netizens, none of those investors - are ever going to know, or even care, about who Alyssa really is, and what motivates her. I mean... I guess the investors care, in that they know how to use it to manipulate her..... ugh.

So often young women are blamed for falling victim to predators, to being groomed. And yes, I concede that to some degree, Alyssa might know what's going on. She might, on some level, acknowledge that the road to fame is not.... easy. But I think she also so desperately believes the end will justify the means that she thinks it's okay, that she'll get through this.

But she won't.

She'll always be at the mercy of the fans, of the media, of the investors, of Gun Kim. And it hurts meeeeeeeeee.

Like you, I just want her to break free. What Alyssa really wants the most is to feel like she's in control, but the path she's headed down is going to forsake ALL the control she has of her life, and if she thinks that the love and validation she'll receive as a result will make it all worth it, she's going to find herself so, so wrong. None of that love means anything when it loves a fake version of herself, someone she has to play, a persona that she'll have to wear more than her real self.

She'll just find herself more alone than ever, and I'm really afraid that she may even lose Meg in all of this. That she may, yes, have to rebuke Nol, that she may have to turn against people thinking that it will bring her to her ultimate goal but instead she'll just find herself further and further from it.

When I say I want her to fail, to crash and burn, I don't mean it because I think she needs to experience pain, because I want to seek revenge on Shinae or Nol. I mean, I think this is the only way she'll ever learn to love herself first and foremoest, to put her own opinion first, to stop caring so much about others and find love for herself where no one else will give it. I want Alyssa to be FREE and I'm so scared that she'll never get there. ;___________; Alyssa is a character I've come to care SO MUCH about. Watching these predators prey on all of her weaknesses, to hit her right where it hurts, to butter her up and offer her that much coveted praise, to give her this false promise of something better, something worth it ;____________;

I wish she could have seen herself the way Shinae did. I wish Shinae could have ben enough. I wish Alyssa hadn't been so afraid of a secret she wanted no one, not even Shinae, to know that she could have known peace letting Shinae love her for all she really is ;__________________;