#i get that the dumb blonde thing generally applies to blonde WOMEN

[bluecrocss]

One funny thing about people claiming to lose "blonde representation" with the casting of Annabeth, is that Percy is literally blonde now. You went from having a blonde secondary character, to a blonde MAIN character.

What more rep do you need? 💀

[jokerihardlyknower]

One month on Batman: a beginners descent.

Disclaimer: this was written in April 2024.

I've never been a superhero person. I've never been a Batman person.

I had never interacted with any Batman media, never knew anything about Batman besides his parents died and he got upset about it.

Recently I have made the executive decision to start my Batman journey. I wanted to document my experience as someone entirely new to Batman as I make my way around the universe.. universes.

My journey starts on April 9th, 2024. A YouTube video came on my recommended, I watched it. The video? "A perfect Batman villain: baby doll | Batman the animated series". Before this I had never considered Batman as something I could ever participate in. This video tipped the scales in Batmans favor and I decided, it's time. It's time to open the door to batman.

Two days later, April 11th, I start watching Batman: the animated series on HBOmax. The first episode on HBOmax is the cat & the claw part:1. This episode debuts Catwoman in this series, and is actually the first time I realized Catwoman was a villain. I guess I hadn't put that much thought into it before. I also learned that she was a love interest for Batman, interesting. It is to my understanding that he does not reciprocate her feelings, at least not to the capacity that she likes him. But I also believe that at the point of the series I am currently at, she likes Batman more than she likes Bruce Wayne. I also didn't know she was blonde, or that she had a cat partner or cats at all. These are trivial and minor things but it really goes to show how little I really knew. While I have continued watching, I have not yet reached the babydoll episode.

There were many notable villains I had not heard of before and have since learned about through watching. Such as Dr freeze, and clayface who I originally thought was the same man as the thing from marvel as I also know nothing about marvel outside of the two spider verse movies.

Two days later, April 13th, I watched the Lego Batman movie. It was...amazing. It was so good it made me scared, that no batman would ever compare and I would lose interest in my journey completely. (That has yet to happen). I enjoy the over exaggeration of the characters because as a complete beginner to this subject it helps me get general ideas about who characters are, even if it's a dumbed down uncomplicated version. Not to say Lego batman is dumb, no, the Lego batman movie is genius and perfect. I love how Batman and Joker's relationship is explored in an obviously, painfully obviously, queer coded way.

And I want to take this time to make an announcement. This is a serious rant about ship and stan politics. Not all jokers are the same, not all Batmans are the same. Every separate Batman universe is exactly that: separate. Characters will have different relationships in different universes and that's okay. Someone enjoying Lego Joker is not the same as enjoying suicide squad joker. Lego batjokes is not the same as Joker(2019) batjokes which is p3d0ph1l1a by the way, pointing that out because I've seen batjokes fanart with joker(2019) and it's. Ahem. This is a direct response to "you can't ship this because this character did x!" This logic does not apply to media with this many different universes. Different universes have different canon events, Lego Joker saves Gotham by holding hands with Batman, that is a completely different man to the killing joke joker.

Tw: S/A, skip this next paragraph if necessary

Spin off rant: for now I will not read the killing joke, I will not watch the killing joke. I've heard enough. While I would typically approve of a story exploring the complexities of the ties of joker and Batman, jokers backstory and what that means for everything else, the mirror images of batman and joker, I don't approve of the way this goes about it, it feels disrespectful to women, and also ridiculous at times. Sexual violence is overused. Sexual violence is overused by men as a sort of fantasy. According to secondary sources the creator of this comic uses sexual violence in almost all of his work. Why do you feel the need to express this over and over? Why are women overly exploited in horror media in a way that almost never advances the plot? What is the point? Because at this point you are obsessed, and it's weird. It leads me to believe this is something you think about way too much. Oops! Almost wrote something without rape in it sorry guys that was a close one. Imagine being a freak, couldn't be me.

Why does Batman laugh at the end of the killing joke. Is he stupid 🤔?

If you're mad about this I think you need to take a joke. Pun intended.

Um. Lego batman super good love that joker what a guy. In this movie I learned that poison ivy had a poison kiss, I don't know why I never thought about whether or not she was poisonous before. In the movie I think she has plant powers which I have seen displayed in the odd TikTok clip here and there but I think in Batman the animated series she isn't magical just a scientist so I'm not sure if the no magic is exlusive to the animated series or if it's just one of those things that depends on the media. I also learned that the penguin has actual penguins, in the Batman animated series I have yet to see any penguins, just a vulture?? Which I don't understand why he has.

2 days later April 15th I watch the Batman with Robert Pattinson. This movie was also pretty good. Really good. Another instance of me getting scared that nothing else will ever live up. My only hope for this, If my fears turn out to be true, is the sequel to this movie coming. I like how the central villain is The Riddler as well as honestly the people he was trying to expose. He had that right idea, wrong execution type of thing. Which I think is not necessarily to him being super duper evil but I think he's just emotionally unintelligent and mentally disturbed. He needs a really good talking to. I can see him being rehabilitated. It would take a long time because you know the incel adjacent pipeline is a deep hole to fall into and therefore a deep hole to be pulled out of. Despite being a homosexual man myself, I was not as attracted to the riddler as all the lesbians I know. Sorry I just had to say it. Something I really like about this movie is the humanization of a lot of villains like the penguin who in previous incarnations is really weird to say the least. I'm not saying weird is bad by the way. There's a perfectly good time and place for weird and campy and silly villains This particular Batman movie just wasn't that place and that's okay. Another aspect of this movie I think is really interesting is how it's different to other Batman media and the way that they portray Bruce Wayne. In a lot of Batman media, But I'm going to particularly call out Batman The animated series since it's the one I most familiar with at this time, Bruce Wayne is a heartthrob He's beloved by the people at least the rich people of Gotham. But in the Batman he is much more pathetic and emo you know, showing up to the club in the rain sopping wet with smudged eyeliner. I can't help but imagine a song on the world's smallest violin. I also think that this movie really shaped the way I perceive the villains by default because this being the first live-action movie I'm seeing a lot of these villains, It's hard to erase them from my mind when looking at other iterations. Maybe I'd be more apprehensive towards these representations of say the penguin and the Riddler If I had gotten used to the previous representations. But then again I don't know I am not active in the Batman fandom space. I don't know how other people feel about this so I don't know what I'm talking about.

Sometime after watching this movie I realized, wait a minute I have seen a Batman movie before, or at the very least a Joker movie. That's right, in 2019 I watched the Joker. It was mid. And if I'm totally honest I don't remember the entire thing, I remember important things I think. I remember that I didn't like it that much not for any specific reason It just didn't speak to me all that loudly and The fact that I didn't really like it that much probably discouraged me a bit from any other Batman movies even though I know it's silly since Batman is like in the movie for what 30 seconds or less as a child? I have also seen suicide squad the original with the Joker who shall not be named. But that came out in 2016 which was a notably horrible time in my life and so I do not remember anything about that movie or what it was about. So it's safe to say I basically haven't seen suicide squad.

Back to the penguin for a second. Sometimes he has three fingers and sometimes he has five. When he does have three fingers is there a reason for that? Was he born like that and if so is that the reason he's called the penguin or is him being the penguin the reason he has three fingers like is he part penguin or is he just a normal person who happens to have three fingers which is more common in real life however this is Gotham.

Back to catwoman, is her dad always falcone or is that made up for the Batman movie? Many questions indeed.

When I watch too many Batman the animated series episodes in a row I start getting a headache and the damn intro makes me want to bite the TV as well as all the music it seeps into my brain like poison so I have to microdose Batman. The most recent episode I watched was Christmas with the joker, what a jolly gay fellow.

When I started this journey I wasn't sure what to expect. But now at one month on Batman, I can feel the changes. They've appeared in my dreams. I think about them during the day. I see a nerdy ginger and I think "he could play the riddler." I drew Bruce Wayne as a woman. I posted year old fanfiction for a completely unrelated fandom but haven't kept posting because I've been writing Batman fanfiction everyday. I drew Bruce Wayne and Clark kent side by side to decode the differences between the two so if I make fanart in the future I can have distinct personalizations. I'm changing. I'm scared. I'm sick in the head. What have I become?

I have made a group chat that you are not invited to for all my Batman questions comments and concerns to discuss with my family and family adjacent. If one person comments asking for it I will leak the conversations from the group chat.

I had seen a lot of tiktoks in the past regarding the telltale Batman game. And I brought up to my sibling that I would play the game, however I saw a picture of the Joker dying and considering this is a nicer joker I didn't want to put myself through that. They told me he did not die in the game. So I bought it and haven't played it yet.

Anyways, that's my one month on Batman update stay tuned for my descent into Batman and let me know what you think I should watch next.

[boldlyvoid]

36 Questions to Fall in Love

Summary: When Derek bets Spencer that he cant make someone fall in love with him in a week, he doesn’t expect Spencer to marry the girl the next day

warnings: strangers to lovers, blind dates, betting, talks of: drug use, drug addiction, abusive marriages, rape, sexual assault, abuse, attempted murder, mass shootings, parental death, love confessions, elopements, opposite of slow burn

word count: 8K

A/N: this is based on a request I received a while back about this article

Derek was a betting man, to say the least. He knew Spencer was from Vegas, he also knew Emily couldn’t say no to a challenge and that Rossi had enough money to burn. Betting at work was the best way to have fun when he worked there, and now he can’t stop.

“I’m not saying con a woman into loving you, I’m saying let us find a girl and let’s see if she can fall in love with you, take a week off from work and just spend time wooing her, and in a week, me or Emily will hit on her, if she turns us down for you, then you’ve won.”

Derek explained it like it was simple, and yet the mere thought of being set up with someone was horrifyingly nerve-wracking. But he got Spencer to agree… unbeknown to him that he had another bet going on the side.

You see earlier that day he was invited to Penelope’s apartment, her younger sister was moving in for a little while and they needed a big strong man to help move the boxes. And like Penelope, Y/N was really chatty and overly friendly really fast. It was like he’s always known Y/N Garcia.

She explained to Derek how hard it was in California to find good men who want someone to love them, she’s tired of guys thinking she comes on too fast, she wants someone who wants to settle and have kids and be a dad. Not a Vain narcissist who only cares about what the city can offer him.

“The last guy I went on a date with literally ran when I mentioned I read a New York Times article about 36 questions to make you fall in love… I just want a person to love? Is that really so hard?”

A lightbulb goes off in Derek’s mind, and Penelope almost reads it.

“Spencer.” They both reply with the same cheeky grin.

“I bet you, you could be as insane as you say you are and he’d still be in love with you by the end of the week.” Derek teases, and the way she smiles shows just how interested she is.

—

Woo her.

The words have rattled around in his brain every second of every moment since Derek said he found a girl for him.

She was free on Saturday, all Spencer had to do was tell Derek where she should meet him and all Penelope had to do was not mention to Spencer that she had a sister, it was up to Y/N when Spencer learned that fact.

She’s already there at the restaurant when he arrives, he’s not sure what he was expecting when Derek said he found the perfect girl but it wasn’t this. He was thinking it was going to be a joke, that either no one would show or Derek was hooking him up with some hot blonde who was way out of his league.

She was beautiful in a nice dress, her makeup was stunning and she looked so content sitting there, waiting for him. Starring her ice water with a straw, she wasn’t paying any attention to the room, she barely knew he was there.

“Hi?” He said softly, not wanting to startle her.

“Hi,” she beamed up at him, that same unsure look on her face. Neither of them was expecting anything from the other, but they were pleasantly surprised.

“Spencer Reid,” he says, actually extending a hand to shake her’s because it’s the chivalrous thing to do.

She reaches out her hand, watching him take it and kiss her knuckle softly, she’s so surprised. “Oh, um, Y/N Garcia,” she whispers the name and his eyes go wide.

“Garcia?” He panics a little, sitting down in the booth and facing her as her face drops at his reaction.

“Did he not tell you I’m Penelope’s sister? I knew Derek was up to something,” she looked like it was all too good to be true, upset almost.

“He didn’t, he probably wanted you to tell me, I mean this all so we can get to know each other,” Spencer shrugs it off, interested in seeing why Derek picked her of all people.

“I guess,” she smiled again, “so what do you do?”

“I work with Penelope, I specialize more in psycho-linguistics and geographical profiling.”

She nods in approval, “I’m a high school English teacher.”

Spencer laughs lightly, “what’s that like?”

“Interesting to say the least, especially in California. Every kid there wants to be on TikTok, no one cares about reading any of the books I ask them too,” she just shakes her head. “I’m worried about the next generation.”

“Me too, it’s almost alarming how many kids are unsubs,” he agrees. She’s so easy to talk to, he’s suddenly not nervous anymore and the waiter is coming to take their order.

He never even opened the menu, “what looks good?” He asks Y/N, nervous and she can tell.

“I think I’m going to have the lobster, let’s go all out?” She shrugged again, both of them feeling more adventurous than normal.

“I’ll have that as well,” Spencer smiled, keeping eye contact with only her as she handed the menus back to him.

They ordered sides and appetizers, stuffed mushrooms and fresh bread, it was amazing. They traded small facts about each other, Spencer noticed a lot of Penelope’s quirks in her, she was very friendly and kind and funny. She loved to tease him and make him laugh, his stomach hurt by the time their lobsters came out.

“I’ve never done this before,” she admits, putting on her bib and holding the claw cracker in one hand.

“Neither have I, but I think it’s fairly simple you just need to apply the correct amount of pressure,” he demonstrates by picking up the crustacean and cracking it at its weakest point before twisting it open.

He’s surprised he did it, so is she as she copies is movements and struggles a bit. “You got it, come on,” he encourages her as she squeezed so hard her hands shake but the shell does eventually crack.

She smiles like she just won the science fair, overly proud as they stare at each other. Enamoured already by just how cute the other was.

“So, what do you do for fun outside being a fed?” She teases between bites.

“I like to spend my time finding new things, I tend to go to the same spots often but I’m always looking for new places. I like the theatre, the old cemetery is nice, I’m excited for the new phantasmagoria to open this fall,” he explains all his interests as he cracks away at his dinner. “I just like to try and appreciate what’s out there, after everything I see.”

“That’s really nice, I’ve always wanted to go to a phantasmagoria actually, science magic is the best kind of magic,” she says it like it’s nothing, almost embarrassed by the interest.

“Me too, I love magic,” Spencer lights up, “I can actually do some magic, hold on.”

He digs his NA chip out of his pocket, showing it to her quickly before making it disappear and reappear behind her ear and she was so smitten, “how the heck?” She asked as she reached for her own ear, shocked at the fact he could do it.

“Do you always keep a coin on you for that?”

He thinks about it for a second, not knowing if he should tell her or not. “No, I keep this on me for support.”

He places it on the table, she picks it up instead and inspects it carefully, “2 years is a really long time, I’m really proud of you.”

He feels like he falls in love with her in that moment, she places the chip back in his hand and smiles, “it’s not easy to admit nor recover from, it’s something you should be really proud of Spencer.”

“Thank you,” he blushes, “um, is there anything else you want to know about me?”

She bites the inside of her lip as she thinks, “actually I was reading an article the other day that said there are a list of personal questions you can ask someone and by the end of all of them you should be in love with the person.”

He thought it was a good opportunity to take a sip of water, upon hearing the word love he realizes it was a mistake. He chokes lightly, coughing as he puts the glass back down and apologizes.

“Love?” He repeats the word.

“I’m going to be real honest here Spencer, I don’t date to get my heartbroken, I date to find my life partner so if you’re not interested in marriage or kids one day tell me now,” she’s very stern about it and he can tell she’s gotten her hopes up and heart broken before.

“I want that too, I just didn’t expect you to be so upfront about it,” he’s honest, because clearly that’s what she wants from him. “What was on the question list?”

“Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” She asks, remembering the questions easily.

“Wow,” he takes a moment to think about it, “alive or dead?”

“Sure, why not,” she shrugs.

“Probably biological Eve,” he comes to the decision rather quickly. “I’ve always been fascinated with the fact all humans can be traced back to one single women. I’m sure she was amazing, it must have been so interesting being the first women on earth.”

“That is the coolest answer anyone has ever given me,” she smiles, “I think I’d be boring and have dinner with Julia Roberts.”

“She’s a very talented actress,” he smiles, recognizing the name from Penelope’s movie nights. “Um, I have an eidetic memory, do you have the list I can just read it once and then we can spit it back and forth easily.”

She looks at him with wide eyes and a growing smile, “yeah hold on.” She takes out her cellphone and pulls up the article before handing it to him.

He reads it quickly and then hands it right back, she was amazed, surely it was a joke? “Would I like to be famous?” He repeats the next question to himself.

“No,” he’s very certain. “I’ve had some encounters with psychopaths who think they are my biggest fans, perfect match or my only rival, and it’s not fun. I’m sure being adored is lovely, but I don’t like the attention if it’s not from a good place.”

“So you want praise but you don’t want a stalker?” She dumbs it down slightly with a smile, “I definitely don’t want to be famous because I don’t like other peoples opinions about me.”

“That’s incredibly fair.”

“Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?” She asks the next one.

“If it’s for work or my mother, yes,” he answers it completely honestly. “I prefer not to make phone calls, so when I have to make them I typically spend the day before panicking.”

She smiles, “well, if you ever need someone to call tech support and pretend to be you, I am really good on the phone.”

“Like Penelope?”

She nods, “we spent a lot of time talking on the phone when she moved to Virginia for your team.”

“That must have been really hard, I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned you yet?”

“I’m not really her sister,” she smiles, “I wish I was. I met her during a really abusive relationship and I didn’t feel close to my parents anymore, so my old name didn’t feel right either. Penelope and her brothers were the closest thing I had to family, so I took their name after my divorce.”

“That’s beautiful,” his smile is so soft, she wonders if he feels the same about Penelope.

“What do you consider a perfect day?” She moves on before she can pry into his personal life further, just to pry into his personal life further— in another direction.

“Nobody dies.”

“Even the bad guys?” She squints as she asks it, wondering if that was an appropriate topic for the first date.

“I’m not a fan of the prison system, and I’m really not a very big fan of suicide by cop, let alone lethal injection,” he explained. “Just because you’re a murderer or a psychopath doesn’t mean you have to die too, there is rehabilitation and a way to keep them sane and alive while keeping people safe. I just hate when people die.”

“Me too,” her smile is sad, “my perfect day would be having my parents back, I’d like to show them my degree and go out for ice cream and give them another hug.”

“We should have our perfect days back to back,” his voice is low, he was nervous to say it. “Cause then once you bring them back, I stop people from dying and they can stay forever.”

He sees her heartbreak as the tears well in her eyes, “that would be nice.”

“Um,” he clears his throat and then takes a sip of water. “When was the last time you sang to yourself, or someone else?”

“I was singing in the car on the way here,” she smiles with a sniffle, “I sing a lot actually. I’m always humming or tapping as well, if my mind is wandering then it has to make some kind of noise.”

“What is your favourite thing to hum?” He can’t stop himself from asking it, “I personally do the muppets, duh duh nanana, manamanah.”

She laughs again, and a tear slips out as her eyes close. She hurries to wipe it away, “I often find myself doing the teletubbies song, you know; ‘Tinky-Winky, Dipsy,’” she sings the words before humming the tune to match.

“That’s a good one too,” Spencer is really enthusiastic suddenly, the way he would be with Penelope. He was really comfortable. “If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?”

“Mind, because that’s how you keep a good body. If I can keep the strength and willpower to get up in the mornings and go to work and remember why I love being alive, I’ll be young forever,” she answers like it’s rehearsed.

“I was going to say I’d want my mind too, but the way you said it is a lot more elegant,” he teases. “My mom has Alzheimer's, you were honest about wanting kids and you should know that's genetic. I can also pass on schizophrenia and any other mental illness, like depression, bipolar disorder and most definitely anxiety—

“Spencer,” she reaches across the table for his hand, “breathe, that’s not scary to me. My grandma had it too, I’m not optimal gene-wise either.”

He takes a deep breath, “Sorry.”

“It makes you real to react like that, I don’t mind seeing that side of you. Fake strong men and men who compensate are the worst, in my opinion.”

“Mine too,” he agrees. “I am an anxious worrier, I barely sleep, I’m terrified of the dark, I have PTSD nightmares about my short stay in prison, and I cry a lot when I’m alone.”

“It was a mistake clearly? The prison stay, that is.”

“Yeah,” he nods, moving to the next question. “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?”

She laughs through her nose at the switch topic change, “well until I was 19 I thought my husband was going to kill me, then I thought maybe it would be myself, now I’m content dying in my sleep when I'm old.”

“It is ever-changing,” he agrees. “I have died before.”

“What did it feel like?”

She doesn’t ask how, she knows he was sober, she knows he’s been to prison, she knows he’s an agent. It wasn’t a surprise. Penelope even almost died once before, it was an unfortunate part of the job.

“Warm.”

“Like soothing warm, like drinking a hot chocolate, or that uncomfortable warm like being in a hot car?”

“Like a hug.”

Her lips purse, she hums a bit. “Yeah, my answer stays the same.”

“Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”

“You like to learn,” she smiles again. “You enjoy the mysteries and the horribleness of the world because it keeps you grounded. You love your mom.”

“We love Penelope, our hearts have similar scars, life has been mean to us for no reason,” he adds 3 more for good measure.

“What are you grateful for in life?” She asks the next question.

“I’ve never said this before,” he prefaces, “but found family. If it wasn’t for my team, no matter who was coming and going over the years, anyone who has had my back. Anyone who loves me in any capacity. That’s what I’m grateful for.”

“We’re not even through the first set of questions and I can see why everyone loves you,” she admits. Moving far too fast, doing exactly what Derek wanted from her.

To scare him and see if he still stays.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Spencer stops the questions, “I can’t continue if I can’t tell you this.”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“Derek and Emily bet me $20 that I couldn’t get someone to fall in love with me, he wanted to set this up and then hit on you in a week and see if you picked me over him, and it feels like a really shitty thing to do to you. It’s making me feel like you’re an object more than a person and I feel really bad about it.”

She just laughs and he has no idea why. “He bet me that I could be as insane as I am with most of my dates and you’d still want to stay with me after a week.”

“You’re not mad?” He worries, by passing her words and the implications of it all.

“No, did you truly mean how you feel?”

“Yes…”

“Then I accept your apology, you’re really kind Spencer. I believe you when you speak, I trust you,” she explains her reasoning and he settles once more. “You’re the most real man I’ve ever met, I think.”

“Thank you,” he smiles again, reaching out for her hand once more, “do you want to finish these questions?”

“Not really,” she smirks, “I think they were wrong about all 35 of them making you fall in love with someone.”

“How so?”

“It only took me 9.”

It’s so absurd they start to laugh, making eye contact, they feel delirious. His hand in hers, she squeezes it lightly and he never wants to let it go.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

“Sure, did you drive?” She asks.

“No, I walked over.”

She gets up from the table and takes his hand once more, “well, are we going to mine or yours?”

“Are you living with Penelope?”

“Yours it is then,” she teases, bumping his shoulder. This was going to be fun.

Spencer pays for their meal and meets her out front, he gets in her passenger seat and gives her the directions. “Do you want to finish the questions on the drive?” He asks.

“Hmm, well, 11 is a long one, if you want to start telling me your life story in graphic detail? Or we can jump to 12 and you can tell me what super ability you’d like to wake up with?”

“Have you ever watched star trek?”

She’s not expecting that, it makes her take a double-take, she laughs lightly, “Yeah, why?”

“Deanna Troi can sense peoples emotions, I think that would really help with my job,” he explains it easily. “And in times like this.”

“I can just tell you,” she offers, pulling into his apartment complex, she can tell why he walked.

“You don’t have to yet, let it simmer,” he smiles softly, he’s not ready for her to make a decision like loving him when she really doesn’t know everything yet. “Come inside?”

She nods, getting out and taking his hand again for the walk inside. His house is green, and it makes sense. There are door wooden bookshelves and the distant smell of old books and spilled coffee, it’s dusty and old and very Spencer.

“Can I tell you some of my story?” She asks as she kicks her shoes off.

“Absolutely,” he follows her lead, “do you want anything, wine, water?”

“Wine would be nice,” she smiles, following him to the kitchen, “you know my favourite place to talk to someone is in the kitchen.”

“Why?”

“It's the heart of the house,” she smiles slightly, “that's what my mom used to say. This is where all the love happens.”

He loves her and he knows it already, she makes him happy and calm and if she’s in the heart of his house she might as well know all of his own heart.

“I was born in Vegas,” Spencer admits, pushing his life story past his lips before she can stop him or else he wouldn’t.

“My mom was a professor, my dad is an attorney, I have always been really smart and not so athletic, I enjoy chess and reading and I had big thick glasses as a child. My mom participated in a murder and my dad covered it up and that ruined their marriage but they blamed it on her schizophrenia when he left. And then I was left to raise her when she was supposed to be raising me. I cared for her until I turned 13, I left her during the weeks and my aunt would make sure she was okay and I would travel back and forth from CalTech and Vegas on the weekends.”

She can see the exhaustion on his face at just remembering it.

“I got my licence at 16, and then I took her car and it was easier. When I was 18 I put her in a sanatarium and sold her house and took a road trip with my friend to Virginia to go to the academy. He didn’t like it after a week and asked me to go with him to New Orleans and I didn’t— I met my mentor and joined the BAU instead. I was kidnapped and drugged by a man with DID… I died and then his personality switched and Tobias brought me back. I had an addiction to Dilaudid for a few months after, then I got sober after visiting Ethan in New Orleans.”

“Was he good to you?”

“Wonderful,” he smiles, “he was my shoulder to cry on for a long time and I didn’t realize how much I needed him in my recovery until we got a case and I had a reason to see him. I missed a plane and ignored my friends to just be with him. He’s the reason I got clean, not anything else… he told me that I was too special to hate myself, and he was right.”

“He was,” she smiles. “He sounds lovely.”

“And then, the first time I saw my mom after putting her in the sanatarium was because she told parts of our case to a man who lost his daughter, and he did a lot of messed up stuff… like he shot my co-worker. She was another special person to me—“

“I’m so sorry.”

He smiles, “she lived, don’t worry. I loved Elle, she was amazing but the bureau didn’t see that. She was a broken toy to them, we all become one eventually. I miss her a lot.”

She walks into his space and wraps her arms around him, giving him a hug as he rests against the counter, she makes no attempt to move back. Holding him in the heart of the house, close to her own. He holds her back just as tight.

“Maeve, she was another person I loved who got shot, she died. I see her sometimes when I sleep, she visits me when I’m in the most need. I’ll always love her, but she’s gone. The only other woman who claims to have loved me was a psychopath who is dead now too, she framed me for murder, had me drugged, kidnapped my mother and the list goes on and it’s not pretty. In prison she had a lot of bad things happen to me, I have scars that will never heal and a part of me was lost but I’m okay now.”

They have a moment of silence in the middle of their stories, she absorbs it while preparing her own, rubbing his back as her cheek stays pressed to his chest.

“I was born in California, my parents were high school sweethearts, they made me at prom. Learned that from the scrapbooks,” she laughs against his chest, “they were great and then they died when I was 14, it was a mass shooting at a mall, and I went to a foster home. I married the oldest son in the home after he groomed me for a few years… I met Penelope when I was 20 and she helped me get divorced and back on my feet and her brothers protected me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry you relate to loss.”

“It's the one thing that unites us all, really,” Spencer’s voice is barely a whisper. “When you think about it, we’re all born and we all die, the only difference is how we fill the middle.”

They never get to that bottle of wine he mentioned, she pulls back and asks the next question as she drags him to his bedroom. “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”

“If I get to have kids.”

She drags him into the room and closes the door, “that was going to be my answer.”

“Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?” He asks as she starts to take her clothes off.

“Sleep beside the love of my life.”

“I’ve never woken up beside the love of my life,” he replies with a soft smile and follows suit, getting undressed down to their underwear before climbing in bed.

“Greatest accomplishment?” She asks as they settle in, laying her cheek on his chest once more.

He takes a moment to think of everything he’s done that has been good, and one really stands out. “there was a case a few years back, we found a bunch of kids who went missing and returned them to their families and gave answers to the families of children who didn’t make it. Days like that feel like a reward.”

“Getting divorced,” she pushes the words out quickly.

“Most valued friendship?” He asks, knowing she doesn’t need to explain herself.

“Penelope.”

“Derek.”

“Most treasured memory?”

“When JJ placed her son in my arms and told me I was his godfather,” his voice is hushed and she knows it’s because he doesn’t want to cry. “It's the closest I’ve gotten to being a father so far.”

“I got an end of the year present when I was first starting out, this girl told me that I was the reason she enjoyed reading again and it was the reason I started teaching, I’ll never forget her. Tammy Brownlee, she graduated in 2009 and we’ve been Facebook friends ever since.”

“Most terrible memory?”

“My parents dying.”

“You’d think mine would be dying right?” He asked, she nodded against his chest, “it was actually being held down by 3 men, getting a sock shoved in my mouth while they beat me.”

She kissed his chest softly, “I’m sorry, I know that feeling. Mind you, he was only 1 man, it’s not a good feeling.”

“If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?”

“If it’s definite; not like a chance or a cancer statistic, if it’s like this is the day you die no ifs and's or butts, then I’d just continue as normal and have 1 really awesome day right before,” she smiles against him. “Make the most of it all.”

“If I was dying a year today, I’d ask you to marry me.”

“Already?” She laughs, thinking he’s kidding.

“You want a nice husband and a kid? I will be good for you as long as I know you, and I’ll have as many kids as you want me to help you make.”

She’s silent as she thinks about it. “What does friendship mean to you?”

“Someone who is there for you even when they don’t want to be, even when it’s hard,” Spencer whispers, thinking about his friends.

“It means hacking the government and voiding a marriage and changing someone's name so they can escape,” Y/N whispers. “don’t tell the feds she did that too.”

“What roles do love and affection play in your life?”

“I crave it and hardly receive it, but I give it out like it’s a sample at costco,” she snickers at the example she gave. “It’s something that people have always admired about me and yet it’s also the thing that scares people away. When I love, I love hard and it’s full and annoying and you will feel suffocated sometimes, but just tell me when and I’ll back off.”

“I don’t know how to ask for what I need,” Spencer whispers. “But I need someone to love me like that.”

“The next one is to alternate 5 good things about each other,” she rests her chin on her hand as she looks up at his face in the darkness, “soft.”

He pauses for a moment, bypassing the easiest one and saying pretty, instead, he says; “you’re honest.”

“You’re very caring,” she replies.

“You see beauty in the world still.”

She smiles at that one, “you make the world beautiful.”

“You are beautiful.”

“And you’re handsome, that’s my 4th,” she keeps track in her head.

“You’re true, to your heart, your promises, everything.”

“And you’re real, you see the world for what it is and you don’t try to change it for the better. You want to make it manageable,” her explanation is the longest one yet. “Was your childhood happy, and do you feel close with your family still?”

“I write to my mom every single day and I drop the notes off weekly, and no,” he doesn’t want to cry, but he feels like he might again. “It was liveable, I made it.”

“Mine was happy until I was 14, then I was alone, I have 1 living aunt and she is strange but I get a card from her every Christmas,” Y/N adds. “I’d like to think your lack of love and my need to fill the world with what I miss from my parents will make a really good family dynamic.”

“Me too.”

“How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?” She asks, “I think I know already, but it’s the next one.”

“She hit me a few years ago because I made her take some medicine, she hit me once when I was a kid too…” he whispers them so that they stay a secret, if they can’t be heard else where then they don’t exist in his mind. “She was a wonderful mother but the worst memories stick out the most now. She’s forgetting everything and all I can remember is how hard it’s been on me, like a bad son.”

“My mom was my best friend, and I still talk to her every day, I bring her and my dad around with me in my necklace,” she pulls the chain on her neck and shows him the little jar. “Mom, Dad, this is Spencer. Spencer, this is my mom and dad.”

He holds it in his hand and tips it gently, “nice to meet you.”

“The next one is weird,” she changed the topic again.

“Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling…" Spencer says it verbatim. “We are both feeling understood.”

“We are both hopeful.”

“We are both falling in love,” Spencer ends the feelings with the most prominent one.

“We are,” she agrees with another smile.

“Finish this,” he insists on moving forward, “I wish I had someone I could share…”

“The rest of my life with,” she whispers this time. “If we become besties, what’s something I should know?”

“I think I’ve told you all the important stuff so far,” Spencer thinks hard, pausing for a moment. “My butt is ticklish?”

It makes her giggle, “that is a good one. My sides and the bottom of my feet are ticklish too.”

“Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met,” Spencer reads the question back from memory, “don’t be afraid to be too honest.”

“I like that you know how I feel but I hate that you’ve been hurt. I like how you listen to me, and I really like how comfortable you make me feel. I’m almost naked in your bed right now and I know you’d never, ever hurt me, and I haven’t felt that in a really long time.”

“I like that you are indulging me in the dream of becoming a husband and a dad one day… most people say it’ll happen but they never picture it. No one has ever said yeah id have your kids. I like that you know what you want and you’re actively looking for it.”

She moves up so she can hold his face in her hands, “only 7 more. Is it working?”

He nods, “my most embarrassing moment is the time I had a wet dream on the work jet.”

She laughs and then covers her mouth in panic, “I’m sorry that’s not funny.”

“It is, it’s fine,” he smiles. “I was dreaming about kissing this actress we helped, she actually did kiss me in the pool, so I guess it was bound to happen.”

She leans in and presses her lips against his, holding his cheeks in her hands his wrap around her waist as he holds her there. She peppers smaller kisses to his lips before pulling back, “we both cried in front of each other already today, so next question.”

“Tell me what you like about me already?”

Her hands trail his chest and down towards his boxers, he’s hard again from just kissing and she smirks, “this is promising.”

His hand on her back unclips her bra, “I love boobs, not even going to lie. They are my weakness.”

She pushes the straps down and tosses her bra aside, pressing her naked chest against his, she moves on. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?”

“Being called insane, saying I'm seeing things, or acting crazy, those are things I don’t like to be told because they make my anxiety worse.”

“Noted,” she smiles. “I talk to myself a lot so get ready for that.”

“Okay,” he smiles, she’s way too easy to be real.

“I don’t want to mention my last husband from here on out, I think if I get married again I will never tell anyone I have a first husband,” she’s firm in her words.

“Technically, Y/N Garcia has never had a husband,” he reminds her.

Her face lights up at the realization, “you’re right.”

“If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?” Spencer asks.

“I regret not screaming at my ex before I disappeared but I wanted to live.”

He hums, understanding how it feels. “There isn’t anyone in specific I’ve wanted to tell this to, but I wanted to kill people when I was in prison. It made me really angry being in there and I let myself dream about killing people who hurt me and then I almost did kill someone.”

“Remember what you said about bad guys?” She whispers a helpful tip, “even the worst people deserve to have a chance at life. And you’re not hardly as bad as the worst people you’ve met.”

“You’re right,” he agrees. “Thank you.”

“This place burns down, what’s one thing you’d run back inside for? Outside of people and animals…” she asks the 3rd last question.

“The book Maeve gave me.”

“The girlfriend who died?” She confirms, and he nods. “If my place with Penelope burned down, I just want my necklace and I don’t take it off that often.”

“The next question is interesting,” Spencer thinks about it, “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing, and why?”

“I’m glad I wasn’t at the mall with my parents, if I saw them get shot it would hurt more,” she whispers. “I’m sorry you had to see Maeve die like that.”

“In a way, I’m glad I saw Maeve get shot, otherwise I wouldn’t have believed it. She never felt real to me and then she was dead…”

She just hums, “Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it,” she whispers the last question.

“Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen,” Spencer adds in the second half.

“I need to find a place to stay now that I’m here, I don’t want to keep living with Penelope. As much as I love her, I want my own place,” Y/N admits.

“I think I’m in love with this girl that I just met and I don’t know if it’s too soon to ask her to look for a house with me?” Spencer pretends to sigh, “she’s super cool and I think we’d make some nice kids. I would love some advice.”

“Has she told you she loves you yet?” She teases.

Spencer shakes his head. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, too, Spencer,” she replies, leaning in one more time to kiss him.

It’s deeper this time, she breathes him in and rests her forehead against his as she breathes between them.

“How did that work?” She whispers, truly amazed at how easy it was.

He shrugs, “it’s a good questionnaire.”

“You were really honest, your heart is really pure and I would like to get to know you more, but I feel like I know everything?” She shakes her head while she talks, overthinking all the things she has learned, “I don’t even know what could be left?”

“My birthday is October 28th?” He whispers, “we have a lot to discover yet.”

—

When she doesn’t come home in the morning, Penelope knows she’s at Reid’s house. She just doesn’t expect to walk in and find them naked in Reid’s bed, out cold and cuddled together with their clothes all over the room.

It looks like something happened. If only she knew the truth.

“Oh my god?” Penelope’s voice wakes them up and Spencer scrambles to make sure they are covered by his blankets.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N shouts as she wakes up.

“I came to see if you were okay. I expected one of you to be on the couch, I didn’t think it went this good?”

“We just slept in the same bed, I promise,” Spencer turned bright red as he panicked, “we just got to know each other and talked all night, in what we normally sleep in.”

“Uh-huh,” Penelope smirks, “so I take it the 36 questions worked?”

“Perhaps,” Y/N smirks back at her sister.

“Do you use it on many people?”

“No one has made it past the first question,” she smiles at him instead, kissing his cheek as Penelope watches.

“That’s my queue to go, um… yeah, wow, I didn’t see this happening so fast,” Penelope is shocked but in the best way.

She leaves just as fast as she arrived and Y/N settles back into Spencer the second she closes the bedroom door. “You know, if she’s not going to believe us we might as well do it? If you accidentally get me pregnant then we can move fast and no one will question it.”

He laughs, “accidentally, is the key word there.”

“My parents made me at prom after crushing on each other for 2 years… I think knowing each other for 2 days isn’t the weirdest way to start a family?”

“Honestly,” Spencer lets out a sigh and her happy mood drops to a more serious one. “I was a little worried that we’d wake up this morning and you’d change your mind.”

“Why?”

“In the heat of the moment, learning everything about each other and saying I love you was really exhilarating, but I have a hard time believing it,” he admits, “not many people mean it, or stay around after they tell me they love me.”

She cuddles back into the crook of his neck and holds him as tightly as possible, wrapping a leg around him for optimal coverage, “I am staying right here, because I love you, Spencer.”

“Okay,” he whispers. Sounding like he still doesn’t believe it.

“I love you because you’re honest, you want what I want and you’re truly kind. You’re friends with my sister, you’re smart, you would make a great dad, you won't hurt me, you are really nice to cuddle with, and I know you mean it when you say you love me because it’s not a word you use lightly.”

“Are you my girlfriend now?” He wonders aloud, “cause if you really want to have a kid, I have my mom's old wedding ring in my closet, and I would rather be married to you before we do that?”

“Okay,” she whispers, tears welling in her eyes as she hides her face in his neck, “the courthouse is literally just down the road?”

“We can get breakfast together after?” Spencer adds, rubbing her back as they plan, he wasn’t scared anymore.

“Penelope will kill me if she’s not there, can we have her as our witness?” Y/N finally sits up to look at him, pulling away to sit on the bed, still shirtless.

His smile while he tries to keep eye contact with her is so funny, she giggles a little as she hides her nipples behind her palms and cups her boobs.

“I’m pretty sure she’s still in my living room,” Spencer giggles, “Penelope!?”

She comes back in then, “yes?”

“We’re going to the courthouse to get married, wanna come?” Y/N asks with an embarrassed smile.

“Yes!” She cheers, “I’ll go get you a dress!”

And then she’s off again, this time actually leaving Spencer’s apartment. “What if we don’t tell Derek, and let him hit on me next week anyway?

“Then you can say ‘sorry I have a husband,’ and he’ll body slam me to the floor,” Spencer laughs nervously, “the whole team is going to be so pissed they missed my wedding…”

She frowns, “send out a mass text, tell them to meet us at the court house, it’s their day off right?”

“You’re right,” he smiles.

This was going to be interesting.

—

Walking out of the courthouse, hand in hand, she’s in a white dress, he’s in a suit he’d probably wear to work, Penelope is crying and the whole team is waiting outside for them.

At the bottom of the courthouse steps, they all clap and cheer, throwing rice at them like an old movie, Spencer’s smiling so hard his cheeks are burning. Y/N introduces herself to everyone, hugged over and over by everyone she should have met 15 years ago.

Derek is tapping his foot, waiting for Spencer to come and hug him, “what the fuck?” He asks as Spencer steps into his space, wrapping his arms around him and shaking his back and forth.

“Nice try, I’ll give you $20 as a thank you,” Spencer teases as he pulls away. “She is perfect.”

JJ and Will are busy talking to Y/N when he turns around, Mike and Henry not far behind them. Spencer walks over and wraps Henry up in his arms, the kid was growing way too fast, Spencer loved him so much it hurt sometimes.

“Y/N, this is my godson,” Spencer introduces them, “Henry, this is Y/N.”

She gives him a big hug too, “do you have any cousins, Henry?”

“No, but I was 8 when Michael was born,” he smiles, “and I’m getting old enough to be a good babysitter?”

Spencer laughed, messing up Henry’s hair quickly with a smile, “I’m sure by the time you’re a cousin you’ll be great.”

They take a group photo outside, Spencer and Y/N in the middle, everyone was smiling. It was the first time all of them had been in a photo together, the entirety of Spencer’s found family. Now they were Y/N’s too.

She hyphenated her last name, Y/N Garcia-Reid, and their kids would share the same one. He was not only about became a father thanks to Y/N, but Penelope would also become an Aunt once more. It was like a gift that kept on giving, seeing Spencer and Y/N create a little family of their own.

—

She cried her eyes out when she met Diana. She wasn’t expecting to be so emotional, but then Diana was lucid and very welcoming and sweet.

“It’s going to be a pleasure having you as my daughter,” Diana smiles, thinking it was just a nice thing to say.

Y/N cries and holds her so tight Diana almost can’t breathe but she lets her hold her as long as she needs to, “thank you.”

“You’re welcome?”

“I haven’t had someone to call mom since I was 14,” Y/N whispers, “if that’s okay?”

Diana hugs her just a little too tight in response, “you can call me mom whenever you want.”

“Just until you become a grandma,” she whispers again as she pulls back and Diana’s attention snaps to Spencer.

“Are you trying?”

He nods, “we want kids, we’re not getting any younger.”

Diana wraps him up in a hug and he almost falls off his chair at the sheer force of it, she was so happy for him. She knew this was all he’s ever wanted; because he would be good at it, he had all this love in his heart, and he wanted to show his father how easy it is to stay.

“You’re going to be a great dad, Spencer,” she holds his cheeks as she pulls away, “I’m proud of you.”

He cried. It’s all he’s wanted from her, and now he has everything right here in this room.

—

When they find out they’re pregnant after the first try, it’s really funny to them. It was all working so well, it was a little too much for them at first. They were looking for a house, she was looking for a permanent teaching job but Spencer convinced her to wait until after the baby is born to go back.

They name her Morgan Garcia-Reid as a thank you for Derek’s little bet, and before she’s even 6 months old they’re pregnant again. By the time they have 4 kids under 5 they take a break and just enjoy their little family.

To think Derek gave them 7 days to fall in love… and then they lived happily ever after.

taglist: @g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

[craniumhurricane]

call me, baby, if you need a friend

Cleaning up some old WIPs. This has been in my drafts since end of season 2/around season 3.

Basically 4 times Clarke calls Bellamy and 1 time that Bellamy calls Clarke.

Thank you @casleyislove and @sushigirlali for always reading things before I post them!

[ On AO3! ]

___

(i)

It's a quiet night in at the Blake apartment. Or, at least, for Bellamy it is. He's having a nice Friday night by himself after surviving a truly grueling week of finals. Octavia tried to convince him to go out and celebrate the end of the semester the "right way," but he turned her down… he's still not quite sure how he managed to do that.

His feet are currently propped up on the coffee table with a large bowl of store brand cocoa puffs in his lap. Bellamy may be an adult but damn if he isn’t going to celebrate the end of the term with sugary cereal… nevermind that he didn’t actually make time to grocery shop this week. The TV was queued and ready for the marathon of Ancient Aliens episodes he’d missed due to studying, and he was just about to press play when he hears a short but insistent buzzing sound.  

Glancing around, his eyes land on Octavia’s phone sitting on the corner of the coffee table. She must have left it in her hurry to leave since she was running late to meet up with her boyfriend.

Bellamy keeps his eyes on it for a second before deciding to ignore it, and once again his finger hovers over the play button on the remote. Then the phone lights up again, this time with a phone call; a picture of Octavia and a curly haired blonde that he recognizes, the name CLARKE THE GRIFFIN flashing across the screen. He considers ignoring it for a second time but... if she’s resorting to actually calling instead of texting again then something could be seriously wrong.

Bellamy swipes his thumb across the screen to answer and brings the phone to his ear but before he can even say anything a voice on the other side interjects immediately.

“Men are dicks,” the woman says without preamble. “No! Worse than that. They're weird tumors that grow on dicks," she pauses, seems to think about it, and then adds, "Preferably life threatening.”

Bellamy blinks a few times before he answers, “I'm sure you're right, but don't you think that's a bit harsh?”

The line is quiet. He can hear her shifting the phone, no doubt checking the screen to make sure she called the right person.

“Octavia?”

“Bellamy.”

Clarke huffs. “Where's Octavia?” she snaps. He can hear the annoyance seeping into her tone, which in turn just makes him feel his own frustrations start to rise.

He tamps it down though. “On a date,” he answers.

She deflates at that, “Oh right. One month anniversary with Lincoln.”

He hums a confirmation and then they’re silent for a few minutes. So long that it’s Bellamy’s turn to look at the phone and make sure she’s still there. “Did you need something?” he asks once he sees that the call is still, in fact, in progress.

She takes a deep breath before answering, “I ended things with Finn tonight.”

Bellamy had only met Finn Collins a handful of times; the guy was fine except for a little cocky… and he always seemed to want to show off in front of pretty girls. His hair was too long and always styled like he was some kind of frat boy that came from big money even though Bellamy's 100% sure he never so much as pledged.

And then there was that one time he flirted with Octavia.

Ok, so Bellamy didn’t like the guy. But a break up is still a shitty thing to go through which is why he says, “I’m sorry,” and finds that he means it.

“Not your fault,” Clarke says immediately, “But I was kind of looking for someone to watch me binge drink and listen to me vent.”

He understands that, having gone through the same thing when he broke up with Roma at the start of the term. If you could really call them “hooking up occasionally” the same thing as dating, but still, getting drunk with Miller had been essential in the whole moving on process.

“You want to come over here anyway?” he offers carefully, casually. He doesn’t mind Clarke. She’s younger than him, around Octavia’s age. They aren’t exactly friends, but he would consider them a little more than acquaintances. Enough that it shouldn’t be too weird for him to invite her over even without his sister present. Plus, her getting drunk here is a better alternative than her getting drunk by herself in some bar.

“You don’t mind?” she asks and he thinks he hears relief in her voice, “I was kind of already on my way over to your guy’s place... I don’t really feel like going out and I really don't feel like being depressed and alone in my dorm right now.”

“Nah,” he says and then tries a joke to brighten her spirits, “Sounds like something fun to watch. I’ll order food.”

“Chinese would be great,” and he swears he can hear a smile in her voice so he’ll count his dumb joke as a victory. “Thanks, Bellamy, see you soon.”

He's not even a little bit mad about dumping out his now soggy cereal.

*

(ii)

“So, you’ve been in school for basically forever. Is it normal for a person to experience this amount of stress?”

Bellamy’s lips twitch as he holds his phone to his ear. After Clarke crashed his Friday night in, and spilled on the whole cheating Finn debacle while they did shots, Bellamy figured he should give her his own cell phone number. As much as he hated to admit it, and honestly he never will, his sister and her boyfriend were getting serious, so who knows how much Octavia would be available for late night bitchfests about significant others, fellow students, and the human population in general. Which were just a few of the topics they discussed that night. Hanging out with Clarke ended up being kind of fun, a better night than he originally planned. She even let him watch a little of his marathon and offered her own commentary. Bellamy would do it again… which is something else he would never admit.

It's not like they suddenly talk every day, but it’s a near thing. They would send each other the occasional text when one of them sees something that the other absolutely has to know about. Mostly, he gets pictures of old dogs she sees at the park, asking if this will be him in 20 years. Bellamy responds in kind with memes about college life and rubbing it in her face that they no longer apply to him since he graduated last semester.

But sometimes she reaches out to him if there is something particularly bothering her. Such as dealing with egotistical dickwads that consider themselves professors and shutting down female students in a male dominated class.

Clarke’s probably the only person that ever calls him and can never start the conversation with a simple ‘Hello’. Actually, she’s probably the only person that actually still calls him.

“I just got a job teaching so that insult isn't going to work anymore since I literally will be in a school as part of my job,” is his first response before he turns to one of concern, “Midterms got ya down?”

“It’s just,” she gives an exasperated sigh before continuing, “I want to do something that helps people, I know I want to help people… But maybe I don't want to help people the way my mom wants me to help people...ya know?”

“You’re going to have to give me more to go on here, Princess-”

“I’m thinking about switching my major,” she says abruptly, like she’s ripping off a band aid.

He’s silent, waiting to see if she’s going to say anything else. When it becomes clear she’s waiting for him to say something he responds honestly, “If being a doctor isn’t something you want to do, then you shouldn’t do it.”

“But-”

“What your mom wants you to do shouldn’t overrule what you want to do, Clarke,” he interrupts her. Due to the increasing amount of time he’s been spending with Clarke, he’s learned that the Griffins have always had a capital “P” Plan and he knows that Clarke has a hard time knowing when she can push the boundaries of said Plan.

She’s silent again and Bellamy’s starting to think he’s going to have to prod her a second time. He’s got the beginnings of his big speech all prepared when finally she speaks up. “I’m thinking about going into Art Therapy,” She says thoughtfully, “Or maybe teaching? Helping out underprivileged kids...or hell, even underprivileged adults. Or maybe something for the community?”

His lips twitch on another smile at hearing the beginnings of a hint of passion in her voice. “Teaching can be very rewarding,” he says magnanimously.

She snorts and it turns into a full laugh, “You haven't even started yet! It could be the worst thing you’ve ever done and a total waste of your degree.”

“Your confidence in me really is touching,” he deadpans and then adds simply, “You’re an amazing artist, Clarke. I think doing something with that could be something you'd enjoy and be really really good at.”

She’s quiet when she asks, “You think I’m amazing? You’ve never told me that.” And Bellamy swears he can hear that smile in her voice again. The one he always looks forward to. The one he tries to coax out of her without realizing he’s doing it.

He feels his cheeks start to heat up and even though she can't see him, he feels the need to brush it off. “Yeah, well, I generally try to be as dickish as possible so…”

She snorts again and damn if he didn’t feel a slight flutter in his chest.

“For the record, I think you’re going to be an amazing teacher,” she says it so matter-of-factly but he’ll have to dwell on it later because she sobers and then asks softly, “So, you think I should do it?”

It’s not hard for him to build her up. She spends so much time being there for the rest of their slowly merging friend groups that she rarely takes time to see the greatness in herself. He doesn’t mind helping.

“I think you should do whatever the hell you want.”

*

(iii)

“Women are worse than men.”

Bellamy rubs the sleep from his eyes and glances at the clock; it was almost 3 in the morning. “I thought men were tumors?” he asks around a yawn.

“Yeah, well, women can be tumors too,” Clarke huffs, but she just sounds tired, “Comparing people to tumors is equal opportunity. Strides in feminism are being made, didn’t you know?”

Bellamy pushes himself into a sitting position, suddenly more alert as he picks up the trace of tears in her voice. “You ok?” he asks.

Clarke is silent at first, but he waits her out, he knows that she’ll tell him. “Lexa broke up with me,” she says quietly and then adds in confusion, “Or we broke up with each other? I’m a little unsure. We spent the whole night arguing and then suddenly she was packing up her stuff.” She pauses before taking a shaky breath, “It’s over. We’re over.”

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.”

“She was leaving anyway,” she continues, bitterly, “Some new job. She was leaving in a few weeks and didn’t even bother to tell me. I told her we could make it work long distance, I was willing to try and make it work. That’s when the arguing started. Not just about that but about-,” Clarke abruptly cuts herself off and hesitates, “about... other things. Things I didn’t even know were an issue.” She’s quiet again before she adds, “She didn’t say it but I think she was disappointed that I never suggested going with her...”

The thought makes a quick flash of irritation run through him. “She wanted you to uproot your entire life and go with her,” he summarizes as he tries to adjust the pillows on his bed by beating them, maybe a little too roughly at the thought of her doing just that, before leaning back against them.

“Which is completely crazy, I know,” she hurries to say, “but I wish we could have talked about it.”

“I am sorry, Clarke,” he says again, “I know Lexa seemed like she was it for you.”

“But maybe she wasn’t?” Clarke counters as if trying to reason with herself. “I don’t know. We were both committed to each other, but maybe this was a sign that we weren’t going to be able to make it work long term?” She pauses and Bellamy can hear the gears in her head turning as she processes a way for her to handle this, too explain it to herself. “When we were together,” she hesitates before continuing, and he can imagine her biting her lip, “I was happy... but I felt like a separate version of myself, ya know? Still me, but not completely me?”

Bellamy chews on the words he wants to say and goes with, “Sometimes the person you're with can change you; it's not always a bad thing.” He gets quiet as he adds thoughtfully, “I like to think Gina made me a better person...and she probably did,” he pauses, this time unsure if he should keep going, but Clarke hasn't said anything, so she must be waiting for him to continue, “We tried, tried really hard, to make it work, but eventually you just realize that maybe the relationship isn't going anywhere and what’s best for everyone is just to call it.”

“Wait, you and Gina broke up?” Clarke asks in surprise, “When did that happen!?”

“That's what you got from that?” He rubs a hand over his face as he thinks about it, “About two weeks ago?”

“Shit,” she says and is quiet before asking in a small voice, “Why didn't you tell me?”

“Honestly, I haven't seen a whole lot of you these last few months,” he hears what he said and corrects himself, “We haven’t seen a whole lot of you.” He’s surprised at his ability to keep the bite out of his voice; because the truth was this last year has sucked since Clarke started dating Lexa.

They met at one of Clarke's art gigs. Lexa was cool; fun when she wanted to be, but also a little hard to be around. Most of the time, she seemed to prefer doing things without any of Clarke’s friends.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke says.

“It’s fine,” he answers her and means it. “Gina and I are still good friends.”

“I wasn’t talking about you and Gina,” she says, voice soft.

He realizes what she’s actually apologizing for and he doesn’t know what to say. Because of course he forgives her, he will always forgive her.

The silence lasts too long so he clears his throat and prompts, “Want to come over and get drunk?”

Her laugh through the phone breaks the tension, “It’s like 3 o'clock in the morning.”

“My bar is always open.”

She chuckles. “I really want to hit something,” she says with a determined edge to her voice, “Then maybe get drunk.”

“How about this, we get a few more hours of sleep, wake up at a normal time, and go hit something,” he offers and then adds as if it's an afterthought, “And then get drunk, of course.”

She laughs again, “Oh, of course.” There’s that smile. “I forgot what being single with you was like.”

Bellamy sobers at the thought. It has been awhile since the two of them were single at the same time. “Always here to help, Princess.”

*

(iv)

“Why did I agree to this trip again?”

He’s packing up the essays that are scattered across his desk when she calls, 4 o’clock on the dot. Bellamy tries to suppress a laugh but he’s pretty sure she can at least hear the teasing smile in his voice.

“Just getting back to the hotel?” he asks in lieu of his own greeting.

“Yes!” she exclaims in exasperation. “And if it were up to Josephine, we probably would have walked all of damn Paris tonight,” her voice gets muffled at the end and he can only assume she’s thrown herself face first onto the nearest bed. “I cannot wait for a shower- No! A bath, definitely taking a long, hot bath.”

And now the image of Clarke Griffin in the bath, with just enough bubbles to cover up to her chest, has entered his mind. He shoves it away before anymore thoughts can accompany it.

This used to never be a problem. Sure, he’s always known that Clarke is attractive, but he has never been attracted to her. But ever since he broke up with Gina and she broke up with Lexa, Bellamy has been exceedingly aware of the fact that they have both remained single.

The last time this happened was right after Finn.

Bellamy shakes his head for good measure before responding. “You’re going to fall asleep in the tub and your roommate will find your prune-y, wrinkled body in the morning.” He cringes.  Apparently he wasn’t able to get the image of her completely out of his head.

Clarke scoffs, but he can tell that it’s in an exasperated but fond kind of way. “How is it that you manage to be a buzzkill from over 4,000 miles away?” she asks drily and then pauses before adding, “Actually, Josie would probably just leave me in there for the entire trip and never let on that something was up.”

He turns the key to lock his office behind him and heads for the staff lot. “Don’t worry, if you don’t call to check in, I’ll call the National Guard,” he teases.

“I know you would,” she says simply, like it’s a known fact.

Things have been a little weird after he became aware that they were both single. Mostly because, he’s pretty sure that Clarke has also come to realize it. When he turns to look at her, he often finds her already looking. Their innocent touches are now more frequent and linger just a bit longer.

Bellamy has come to realize that he doesn’t want to be single and the reason he doesn’t want to be single is because he wants his best friend to not be single with him.

There’s just never a right time to tell her.

“So, what did you do today?” he asks.

Despite the exhaustion and jetlag that’s surly setting in, Clarke jumps into an animated retelling of the flight and arriving at their hotel room just in time to change clothes and head back out to walk the streets of Paris to get their bearings before their tours officially start tomorrow.

“I’m a little disappointed that we’re doing the Louvre first thing tomorrow. I was hoping to be a little more alert for that.”

“Your coffee addiction hasn’t stopped just because you’re in another country,” he points out as he gets in his car.

She laughs, “Jeez, you are such an ass.”

He starts the car but doesn’t leave just yet; afraid the long distance call will drop out.

“What are you doing now?” he asks into the comfortable silence.

“Admiring the view,” she admits softly. “It really is gorgeous all lit up. Makes me want to dig out my sketchbook.”

“You have a week, Princess,” he chuckles. “Don’t screw up your jetlag even more by losing track of time in your drawings on the first night.”

She’s quiet again before confessing softer somehow, “It also makes me wish you were here.”

His heart clenches in his chest and he wills himself to sound normal. “Maybe next time,” he tries for teasing but it comes out almost wistful.

“Next time, hmmm?” Clarke hums. “You’d come to Paris with me?” And he’s sure she’s flirting with him.

“Well, maybe not for our first date,” he says, “But maybe, like, our fifth or something.”

Clarke’s quiet for a long time and he’s afraid he’s overstepped, misread the room. He’s about to take it back, play it off as a joke when she finally speaks.

“And what would a first date look like?” she asks with what he thinks is hope in her voice.

He swallows a couple of times. “Well,” he starts, “Since you’re already getting some of the best museum experiences, I’d probably settle for dinner and a movie. Something cheesy that’s playing at the dollar theater; where we’re the only ones there and can yell at the screen.”

She chuckles and his heart flutters, “We already do that, Bell. Quite frequently, actually.”

“Yeah, but if it’s a date then I’d get to kiss you at the end of it.”

“What? No making out during the movie?” she asks and he can picture how cute her face gets when she pouts.

A grin spreads across his face and he’s grateful no one can see how goofy he must look.

“We’ll have to make sure it’s a really bad movie.”

*

(+i)

Clarke rubs some moisturizer on her face before capping the tube and tossing it into her bag on the bed. After ensuring that everything she’s going to need for tomorrow is packed, she zips it up and grabs one of Bellamy’s hoodies to slip on over her clothes.

Ever since he picked her up from the airport when she got back from her trip to Paris, and she ran directly into his arms, giving the other people waiting quite a show, there always seems to be one laying around, waiting for her to find it. She assumes that he gets as much of a thrill out of her wearing them as she does.

She heads down the stairs of their townhouse, passing various pictures and artwork, and shoots Raven one more text not to forget to bring her dress to the venue tomorrow. She’s supposed to help her get ready in the morning along with her mother. In the meantime, Abby has sent a car to pick her up and take her to the hotel. Easier to get ready if she’s already there for the stylist… something else her mother insisted on paying for. No matter how many times Clarke told her she didn’t care what her hair looked like because she was marrying the love of her life.

Clarke locks up the house and greets the driver, slipping into the backseat. She intends to spend the ride lost in thought, going through the checklists that were running through her head.

Their engagement had been on the short side but she didn’t mind. They were both ready to get on with this next chapter in their lives.

Her phone is resting loosely in her hand, face down on her knee, when it starts to vibrate with an incoming call. She holds her breath for a second, praying it isn’t the florist or the caterers. But when she sees the photo of her and Bellamy from New Year’s flash on the screen, she can’t help but smile.

She taps the button and greets him with a sultry, “Hi, handsome.”

“Hey,” he says and she can tell he has a soft smile on his face, the one just for her. “You just leave the house?”

“Yep. On my way to the hotel now, so hopefully you haven’t forgotten anything because it’s too late now.”

“The most important thing is already on its way,” he responds with a teasing lilt.

Clarke can’t help the sharp laugh that escapes her lips, “Oh my god! You are such a sap!”

“I was referring to the ring, obviously, Princess.”

“Oh, obviously,” she says, mock serious.

They chuckle to themselves for a few minutes and she honestly can’t tell if the driver is rolling his eyes or thinks they’re being cute from hearing one side of the conversation.

Bellamy sobers up first only to let out a groan. “I hate whose ever idea this is,” he whines.

“Aren’t you the history professor? Shouldn’t you know where common traditions and such come from?”

He scoffs, “No, I mean I hate whichever of our friends is making us do this.”

The two of them haven’t seen each other since yesterday morning, him having been spirited off by his groomsmen while she was left to spend last night alone in their bed. And now they’re meant to go one more night without seeing each other.

To Bellamy’s point, Clarke isn’t altogether sure why this is a tradition anymore, nor why they are choosing to follow this particular one. She and Bellamy aren’t even that superstitious! And yet somehow they were talked into spending the days leading up to their wedding apart.

“Ah,” she answers him now, “That would be Raven and Miller. Although, I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with marriage traditions and has everything to do with getting back at us for making out in front of them so much.”

Bellamy scoffs again, “Well, jokes on them, because after tomorrow, I don’t ever have to stop kissing you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she says, “We’ll have to come up to eat at some point.”

The driver pulls up under the awning of the hotel and Clarke gets out and grabs her bag before he’s able to get out and grab it for her. She gives him a wave and a simple thank you before heading through the sliding doors.

“How’s your room?” she asks into the phone as she bypasses the check in desk, her mother having already checked her in and given her the key card to her room this morning when they were getting their nails done.

He heaves a deep sigh. “Lonely,” he answers as she steps into the elevator. From what Clarke knows from his texts, Miller dropped him off here last night and left him to his own devices. Apparently, the best man gets to sleep next to his husband but Bellamy wasn’t allowed to sleep next to his soon-to-be wife.

She makes a split second decision and presses a different button, jolting the elevator to stop sooner than intended. When she steps off she casually offers, “I could help with that.”

“Oh yeah?” He chuckles. “You going to describe for me what you’re wearing?”

“Hmm,” she hums as if she’s considering it. “I could do that… but I was more thinking that I could show you.”

Clarke stops in front of a door and gives it a nice rhythmic knock.

She doesn’t have to wait long before it’s opening and Bellamy is standing in front of her with his phone against his ear and a huge grin on his face.

She lowers her own phone from her ear, pressing the end button without looking.

“Hi, handsome,” she manages before he’s pulling her into his room.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

2021 Emmerdale Wishlist

(I was inspired by @softlass27 and wanted to do one of my own)

Some Overall Things

- More community involvement. I know, I know Covid, but hopefully they’ll be able to ease the restrictions before the year is out so it still applies. And aside from that, they need to work within the restrictions to do better. I still thought that clothing exchange in the cafe was a really good attempt to allow different characters to mix.

- In general, they need to really figure out how to work within the covid restrictions better because it has been very noticeable at times and the whole show has felt like it’s been a slower pace, including individual scenes and it’s a problem. 

- More appropriate story lengths. I’m tired of these never ending stories that just meander along. 

- Better story structure. Stories seem to either magic into being or they’re so slow to start you wonder if there is a story. I just want stories to have proper lead ins and build up and actual climaxes that feel worthwhile. And I want to understand the point of a story both as it’s going and for sure once it has finished. I don’t want to have to keep asking the question, “Is it going somewhere or is this just bad writing”.

- Work on relationship stories. Stop putting terribly suited people together. At least try and build relationships up naturally and allow them to have some time before just shoving them together. Stop having other characters talk about how people should be together. I want to see the actual couple together and understand why. If a couple isn’t working, actually break them up. Cheating stories can work but make them happen for an actual reason and not just cause you feel like drama. 

- In general, work on motivations for characters because so many people this year have just done things for little to no real reason. 

Character Focused things

- I too am willing to wait till the 50th Anniversary for Robert’s triumphant return. Enjoy that dad and son time Ryan, your time will come. Hopefully post pandemic restrictions and when there’s a new decent producer who has some robron nostalgia. 

- In the meantime, I would like the show to allow Aaron to become a real character again. While, I’ve very much been fine with his massive break this year because it’s given me time to process him not having a tall blond glued to his side, I would like it if he got a bit more screen time next year. And I would like for that screen time to include interactions with characters that are not Liv and Chaddy. I’d love to see him get a friend, whether that’s Mack or someone else, I just want him to have someone else to talk to. I would also like to see him have an actual story even if he is a supporting character, but make him a consistent one, not support to the support and not just a cameo for an episode or two. I’d love to see him have more to do than a relationship story but if he must, for the the love of god at least put some amount of effort into it. Or just let him go on random bad dates that he gets to talk to his new friend about how no one is right. 

- I want Chaddy to break up. Whether it’s actually a cheating story or they just realize how unsuited they are for each other after all, I don’t care. Let the Christmas wedding curse persist. (In lieu of that, I want them on screen as little as possible together and if they are they better not be having any problems or be overly sappy and if I hear more than one or two “Graaacieees” I’m out)

- As for Liv, either Isobel can get a big break with her music and Liv can take a never ending trip to Dublin or they need to do better. If she stays, I want to see her become an adult. I want to see her make some choices about her future, get a job etc. I’d still like them to explore what a relationship means to her without having it be a plot point in the next abuser’s story. That still means something to me and I’d like to see it on screen for real and not just in the background. 

- For the love of god give Matty a story. Let him date, let him and Amy finally get together but like...do it better this time. Let him move out of Moira’s and stop being a footnote in her stories. Let him get promoted at the HOP or get a new job. Go back to his transition story. Let him interact with his friends more. Just almost anything really. 

- With Charity, we all know Vanessa will be back eventually and they’ll put them back together, so in the meantime, I’d like to them to start figuring out a balance for her. I agree somewhat that the regressive behavior she’s engaging in now feels a little ridiculous but that’s mostly because it’s baseless. They need to find real reasons and motivations for her to have her scheming fun the way they did with Robert and Cain. So first things first, I would get her the hell out of the pub because that was always a bad idea. I want her back in a business that allows her to wheel and deal and scheme without it always having to be random criminal activity. I also NEED them to allow her to say she’s bisexual on screen and to own that and to stop having writers put in those stupid unnecessary biphobic jokes. And they need to allow her to realize that she’s okay on her own and that any growth she had wasn’t only down to Vanessa. 

- For Cain and Moira, I want them to actually stay together this time and not immediately get broken up by something absurd. They can be tested, but only so they can prove that they are really working on their issues. 

- I’d like Laurel and Jai to get through their grief and stay together. 

- I want Jamie to get a fucking back bone and break free of Andrea altogether and break free of Kim too. I’d be cool with him and Mack actually being friends. I’d like him to get a real love interest too. 

- For Mack, I want him to keep being the snarky, fun breath of fresh air he has been but I’d like to ground him a little bit too. I want him to find something real in the village, whether that’s a friend or a love interest. Jamie and Aaron are good friend options for him. Just someone to give him a real solid tie to the village and give him some to talk to/confide in. If they wanted to make him bi, I would not be opposed. I’d also like him to make some progress with Moira in the next year so that doesn’t remain stagnant. 

- For Kim, I want this stupid story with Cain to already be over because it’s based on nothing. I know she’s supposed to get a love interest and I’m already dreading it. I do want her to get a love interest but I want it to feel real with real feelings and not come out of nowhere like I expect it to. I think Kim needs real connections in general. That brief period where she was friends with Rhona was good. They should give her another friend. Just. something to make her feel less like a cartoon villain even if she still is an antagonist. 

- I want someone to run over Luke and Wendy. I want them the hell out of Vic’s life and the hell out of the village. I still can’t fathom why they ever introduced them or had them stick around. 

- I need Harriet and Will to go away. They’re useless and they’ve overstayed their welcome at this point. I want to free Dawn because I feel like she could be a decent character if she wasn’t shackled to them. If the Malone story FINALLY ends with Harriet and Will both leaving, that would be a miracle. 

- I want Dan and Amelia to move to Croydon so someone else can have their house. They’re just not relevant characters anymore. 

- I want the new vicar and his son to be good characters and for more of their family to come in, hopefully female family members so there can be more women of color on the show too. But also I just want them to all be good characters with good connections and good stories. 

- If Marlon and Rhona are going to get together again, I want them to actually work out as a couple because I’ve quite enjoyed their friendship over the years and I think they could work as a couple again if they just maintain what they’ve had and don’t ruin it. 

- I’d like this whole stupid Al story to blow up in his face quick so we can move the hell on. If Al’s going to stick around, I need him to do something interesting. Either ground him more and give him better relationships or have him go full villain. 

- For Gabby, I want to see her continue to grow and get more adult stories, once that don’t include her meddling in people’s relationships. I’d like to see them explore a relationship story with her too. If she wants to realize she’s bi or something too and that she and Liv are meant to be, I’d be fine with that too. 

- More Jimmy and Nicola but don’t use that screen time to destroy them. 

- For Meena, I’d like them to tone her down just a bit and resolve the weird petty stuff between her and Manpreet. I’m cool with them exploring her and David but I don’t want it to feel as rushed or haphazard. 

- For Amy, I kind of want Tracy to just blow the whole Frank thing just so she can deal with the consequences and move on. Or just have her tell Matty as they’re getting closer and have him be like “eh my mum killed Emma so this is fine” and then it brings them closer. I just want it out there so it’s not hanging over her head anymore. I also just want her on screen more and with Matty and being friends with Vic. 

- For Vic, other than being free of the Posners, I’d just like her to reclaim her life a bit more, maybe see her at the HIDE more, maybe catering more, maybe a better love interest.

- I’d like to see Billy get something decent too that’s not just another lame attempt at brothers at war with Ellis. Let him find a career he likes, make a new friend, finally make peace with Aaron, something. 

- Ellis can move to Dubai. 

- Sam and Lydia just need to keep being their perfect selves. Give them some fun little stories. 

- The Mandy/Paul/Vinny saga needs to END now. There’s just no reason Vinny should be keeping all of this quiet. It’s dumb. Paul needs to go. Mandy needs to steal Paddy away from Chas or something. Vinny needs to hang out with Sam and Lydia and Samson again and maybe find a better career than whatever scrap jobs Aaron can throw his way. 

- Belle needs to go back to maybe being a vet and maybe date someone that’s not an affair?! 

- Leyla and Liam need to just stay together or break up for good. 

- Rishi needs to stop being treated like a child.

- Tracy needs to just have this baby so we don’t have to hear about how she’s pregnant anymore (though I have enjoyed the reprieve lately) Are we sure Nate can’t go to prison after all? 

[bisluthq]

Not to stay on this topic but I think I should add my feelings as well since I have been holding them in. Nat, we get it the Ashley Graham stunt was cringy and embarrassing and Kaydom’s version of Karlie isn’t true at all. But sometimes it gets uncomfortable because you sometimes will entertain the idea that Karlie and Taylor hooked up and may have had something messy and that Karlie has bottom energy then in the other breath say that Karlie has such aggressively straight girl vibes and say it in such a judgy way that I feel like I can almost see you rolling your eyes.I don’t think you even realize how that may come across to femmes who face erasure all the time even though you’re a femme yourself. Maybe it’s because of how you feel about Karlie. It’s like sometimes I would be ready to laugh along with you about how this girl is soo straight and then some of your points are things I also do and it’s like ohhh. I mean I want to laugh at straight girl stereotypes too. Some stereotypes can be fun & harmless like how you pointed out that article about bisexuals not sitting well in chairs - at least I think that was you- but the things you point out about Karlie don’t even sound like really widely held stereotypes or not any I’ve heard except for the movie night girl kiss. Then other takes are not funny for me because I’m a lesbian and find myself relating to certain things probably because I behave in a way that people might view as very girly girl. Then it seems like you think she couldn’t be some version of queer and also love Josh with her entire being as well and want to do everything to be with him and that feels problematic as well. I feel like if you knew me and all the stupid stuff I did just to be with my girlfriend you’d call me a golden retriever too. And maybe this rant is less about you and more about how I feel like somewhere along the line society seems to have decided that being a girly girl is uncool, annoying and demeaning. It’s like you’re not the right type of girl if you love pink, played with barbies till you were 12 and love love and definitely - you automatically belong to the dumb blonde category- and you are most definitely not the right type of lesbian or sapphic. No one takes you seriously in the community or anywhere else if you’re a certain type of femme. Even if you have a whole girlfriend. I still have family members who will gossip and have no shame in telling me to my face that they’re just waiting for the day I finish experimenting and laugh like we’re all in on the same joke. I could be out with my girlfriend at a bar and men will still try to flirt with me even after I point out that we’re a couple. I’ve been in queer spaces and felt like an alien and a complete outsider. You’re not feminist enough if you’re a girly girl who cares about appearing attractive. Heaven forbid you’re a girly girl and in love. I feel like I’m very much the type of girl that would get called a pick me girl. Hence why I hate the whole she’s such a pick me girl statements. I haven’t seen you saying it, this is just something I observe in general. For me, it’s like aren’t all types of women and individuals valid? I call myself a feminist but I feel like there are people out there who’d look at me and roll their eyes. And that’s for almost everything about me.

I hear you - and other anons on this - and I agree I wasn’t right.

Like you say to me it was mostly comedy, partly genuine annoyance at Karlie (which is just a personal thing), and a HUGE dose of “what the fuck were Kays on when they made up boyfriend Karlie!???!!!??”

But I hear that it hurt people and there’s a really good take by Bill Hader which I always apply to stuff like this. He said “I’m never interested in upsetting anybody” and like... idk that’s my rule on playing shit for laughs.

So to me it was funny specifically because this woman had this reputation of being Klossanova able to derobe women with a glance or whatever but like irl she was a sweet, kind, peppy, nerdy, energetic golden retriever (/affectionate).

What I didn’t think through tho was in laughing at what she actually was relative to what she’d been sold as to me - and to many others - I was making people who relate to her feel bad about themselves.

And the thing is there’s nothing wrong with relating to her.

And I shouldn’t have made people feel like there is.

Again, Karlie is most likely someone who identifies straight (whether she is or isn’t) based on how she has positioned herself publicly with relation to the community. She hasn’t been confusing like Taylor and her “our pride” shit - like Kar is very straightforwardly an ally.

However, many people anywhere from Kinsey 1 to 6 act like her.

And those people are queer enough and aren’t bad or embarrassing and shouldn’t be made to feel that way.

So I unreservedly apologize for hurting y’all.

And I promise to do better.

When I talk to Kar’s girly stereotypes it will be in a positive way, designed to make anyone - queer or straight - who shares those traits feel good about themselves.

Again, I’m sorry and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share this stuff with me.

[cryxmercy]

‘Tis But a Flesh Wound || Mercy & Erin (Flashback)

Beer and knives and immortal secrets, oh my. 

When: A Saturday night in the recent past, before the Season One Finale Where: Mercy’s apartment Who: Mercy and Erin @corpse--diem

TW: violence, blood (non-medical), stabbing, mentions of stabbing, alcohol, drunken shenanigans, mentions of hypothetical murder, mentions of manipulation

Mercy couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this drunk. Hell, Mercy couldn’t remember what she’d done that morning. Not after nearly a dozen beers. Which was honestly more than she usually drank. But when someone else was drinking with her - Erin had finally had time to come by and do some basic self-defense training - it was easy for Mercy to get ‘into her cups.’ Which is exactly where she was now. Metaphorically speaking. 

Physically, she was standing in her living room, what furniture she had pushed to the side (beer bottles stacked neatly in a tower on the coffee table) trying to teach Erin how to do a proper choke hold. “See…. you gotta… you gotta compress both arteries…” Mercy - who was the one in the chokehold - adjusted Erins arm so that it wrapped around her neck properly. Or as proper as possible when the two of them were drunk off their asses. Which wasn’t very proper at all.  “Make sure aaaaalll the blood’s gettin’ cut off to their brain. Just make sure when they pass out you let go or well… I guess it’s win/win for you since…” Mercy snorted a laugh. “You’d get another customer if you kill a guy…” 

There was no question that this was a bad idea. Of all the bad ideas that Erin had lately, this one was the best. She didn’t expect to learn a whole hell of a lot, especially after she watched Mercy knock back her eighth (or ninth?) bottle of beer. Honestly, she’d lost track. But that had been about the time Erin was finishing up her fifth when the blonde storm yanked her up and started moving furniture around. Oh. Right. She’d almost forgotten this part. 

Yep. Bad idea confirmed the very second she tried to stand straight. “Listen, I know arteries,” she argued, a teasing laugh in her voice. But she did her best to reel herself back in while Mercy maneuvered her arms. Every ounce of her concentration went into following her directions very carefully. “Let’s see about this before I go propping up my own business, yeah?” She laughed, her arms firm but not squeezing yet. “I can’t decide if you’re brave or stupid for letting me do this right now,” she paused, a grin taking over her face. “Ready and--GO!” In the next beat, she was squeezing exactly how Mercy had shown her. “Am I doing it?!” She asked, trying to peak over Mercy’s shoulder.

Bad ideas could be good ideas. It was all a matter of perspective. And Mercy’s perspective was that this was a very good idea. Mercy had no idea how many beers she’d put back. She just… drank them. A thousand years of drinking plus a Fury metabolism made her tolerance… pretty high. But not so high that she wasn’t drunk off her ass at this point. 

Mercy snorted a laugh at Erin’s assurances about her anatomical knowledge, but took her word for it (as much as one could while piss drunk). “Why not… why not both?” she laughed in between maneuvering Erin’s arms. “I’ve never been… a coward… not a day in my life…” That wasn’t exactly true. But Mercy wasn’t thinking all that clearly. Which explained why when Erin applied pressure to Mercy’s neck again she still continued to giggle. Or tried to… since Erin was apparently a quick study. So the laughter sounded a bit choked off… because it was. Though Mercy gave her an excited thumbs up in answer to her question. She tapped her arm to signal her to let up a bit. “I can show you… how to get outta this… or I can show you how to stab somebody... and not kill ‘em?” Because sharp objects were perfectly safe in their current state. 

There was a gleam in Erin’s eye as Mercy’s voice and laughter started to sputter out in short chunks. She was doing it! Oh shit--she was really doing it. She let go as soon as she recognized that the hand smacking her arm meant can’t breathe, please stop. “Oh fuck, sorry,” she responded quickly, though the bellowing laugh that followed didn’t hold as much regret as it should have. And why should it? She’d gotten it right on her first try--she was allowed to be proud of that, right? She stepped back, a little pep in her step as she snagged a fresh beer, bringing out another one for the blonde while she was at it. 

“Here--for your throat,” Erin teased and took a long sip of the cool beverage. This was nice. She was actually having fun, which was a far cry from most of her stress-filled days lately. She’d enjoy it as long as she could--probably until one of them actually got hurt or the alcohol got the better of them. It was her turn to sputter, nearly choking on her beer. “You want to show me how to stab someone?” Right now? In her state? She’d seen a thousand fatal stab wounds but a nonfatal one was new. Given her general anatomical knowledge, she could probably figure it out once she was a little more sober. But this way sounded way more fun and she decided to let the chaos that came with her sixth beer take over. “Oh, hell yeah,” she quickly moved, jabbing her in the side with her finger. “And the other thing too. But I’ve gotta know the stabbing thing first.”

Mercy laughed as Erin released her. “It’s good… it’s all… good…” She rubbed her neck, showing Erin no harm done. “You’re a quick study… you’ll be chokin’ dudes out for real in no time…” Mercy took the offered beer with a grin of thanks and turned it back, draining half the bottle in one go. It wasn’t often she did… this. This being… just hanging out with someone she considered a friend. No overhanging dread, no threat of imminent death or dismemberment. Just two women being drunk and silly for a little while. 

She set the bottle aside with the other dozen and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. “Uh, yeah… I do… ‘cause sometimes you just… gotta stab a guy. But you might not wanna… kill a guy. Though sometimes you gotta do that too.” Mercy waved a hand. “But ‘s’fine…. ‘s’alright… ‘s’a little knife…” She pulled said ‘little knife’ from her pocket. And it was just a short, fat pocket knife. Probably couldn’t do much damage unless you… stuck it in someone’s neck. Or their eye… or… the base of the skull… 

But anyway. They were talking about nonfatal. So. Mercy waved Erin closer. “You gotta… stick it somewhere an’ then… twist it-” She made the motion - sort of - with her hand. “- so the wound won’t close good. They’ll bleed…” Mercy giggled. “And it’ll fuckin’hurt… but it won’t… it won’t murder nobody. Probably.” After showing Erin - as much as one drunk person could show another drunk person anything - how to properly hold the little knife, as well as where to strike non-lethally, Mercy backed up a bit. “Now… come at me…” She motioned with both hands as she took up a mostly defensive position. “Try to stab me… it’ll be fine…” 

Because this was a good idea. It really, really was… 

Oh, this was a bad idea. Erin knew that already, and from the look in Mercy’s eyes she could tell that she knew it too. Especially when she brought out the fucking knife. “Oh, this is dumb,” was her immediate answer, wagging her finger over at her friend. She said the words and knew in her bones that this was very dumb. Didn’t stop the logical part of her that she killed two beers ago from taking the knife anyway. “Right. No murder,” Erin echoed Mercy’s words, practicing the manuever and gestures she’d just seen her do. “Alright, alright. I got this,” she nodded, maybe a little too confidently. But she wasn’t that stupid. Drunk, sure, but not--

Her entire body froze. One jab. It had taken one fucking jab for the blade to sink effortlessly into the skin of Mercy’s arm. “Oh, fuck. Oh fuck,” she hollered, wide eyes bouncing between the knife in her arm and Mercy’s face. Yet still, her hand still on the hilt, did she move. “What do I do?” She stared intensely at the other woman, panic setting in where her good sense should’ve been to begin with. “This was dumb,” she suddenly added, breaking her stillness to point a finger at the blonde. 

“‘S’fine,” Mercy said, gesturing vaguely. It was dumb. Considering their states. It was also a bad idea. But as bad ideas went, it wasn’t that bad. Mercy had had way worse ideas when under the influence of alcohol or other things. RIP the City of London that one time, amiright? Besides, Erin had this. She was practical. Smart. Knew her limits. It’s not like she would really be able to-OH. Oh.

Mercy froze at the same time Erin did. Well that was unexpected. “Okay… okay… just…” Mercy did her best not to giggle under breath at the situation, knowing Erin was probably Not Okay right now. So she held up her own finger at her friend. “Okay. One: don’t freak out, m’kay? ‘S’fine. Two-” Mercy blinked slowly. “-OW. Three: imma show you somethin’, hm?” She waved Erin’s finger away. This wasn’t dumb. Mercy had been stabbed before. The wound wasn’t deep, and it hadn’t hit anything important, even though it was bleeding down her arm. What happened next was dumb. And in hindsight, it could’ve been very, very dangerous. But Mercy trusted Erin. 

“Watch…” Without much preamble, other than to make sure Erin was paying attention, Mercy pulled the knife out of her arm and wiped the blood away with her hand. “Look…” She pointed at the stab wound. “Don’t freak out…” As they both watched, the bleeding slowly stopped, and the edges started to mend back together until there was only a thin, pink scar on Mercy’s arm. That too would likely fade with time. “‘S’cool, right?” 

Staring at the knife in Mercy’s arm sobered Erin up faster than a pot of coffee through an IV. Felt like it anyway, the longer she looked. Was--was Mercy laughing? Did she not feel the whole ass knife sticking out of her? Maybe it was a good thing she was as drunk as she was--maybe she didn’t even feel it at all. A small miracle in the midst of this idiocy? “I’m not freaking out.” A lie, clearly, and she backtracked. “Okay, I am. And you’re not. Which is weird. Really weird. If you stabbed me I’d definitely--” Mercy was shooing Erin away and she watched the blood trickle down her arm. 

Oh no. “I don’t think you’re supposed to--” But before she could protest, Mercy yanked it out and Erin couldn’t hold back the horrified gasp that overcame her. “Jesus, you just--” She cut herself off again. Between the panic and the alcohol, forming full fledged sentences felt impossible. But her brain started catching up with her common sense. She was bleeding. Just when Erin was about to turn and run into the bathroom for anything to clean her up with, something changed. 

The wound was healing. It was quiet for a good few minutes as she watched. Blinked a few times to make damn sure she hadn’t actually just passed out. But this was happening. It was healing. Slowly, but it was happening. When Mercy spoke again, Erin’s eyes jumped back up to meet hers and all the urgency rushed out of her. “Cool, cool, cool,” she repeated incredulously. It was pretty cool, actually, but she was still playing mental catch-up. So--Mercy wasn’t human. Seemed to be a common thread between most of her friends. Just not any she’d known as long as the one in front of her. Her head tilted to the side, hands resting on her hip. “We’re… gonna talk about this, right?” She glanced back down to her arm, then back up. 

“Nahh…” Mercy waved off the ‘not freaking out.’ “I’ve been stabbed… doze- no. Hundreds of times. Maybe thousands.” Mercy proceeded to yank the blade out of her arm - it really was fairly shallow, and had missed anything important - and wipe the blood off on her pants. If she had been sober, Erin’s own panic would’ve been far more concerning, but since neither of them was anywhere near clear-headed, Mercy just reached out and patted her friend on the arm. 

“‘S’fine… see?” She pointed to the slowly healing wound. “All better.” The knife was folded shut and tossed onto the couch, where it bounced and disappeared into the cushions. Mercy laughed to herself before turning back to Erin. The other woman was looking at her with an expression that for some reason caught Mercy’s attention much easier than any of the previous ones had. Mercy’s eyes followed Erin’s, down to her arm and back. Her own head tilted to match her friends. “Waaaiiiitt a minute… are you…” Mercy narrowed her eyes. “You know about… things. Dontcha?” Her expression turned to an excited grin. “Holy shit! Why didn’t you tell me?! This is… fantastic! What d’you know about? Like… vampires and fae and shit? Tell me.” 

For someone who’d just been stabbed, Mercy had been incredibly nonchalant about the whole thing. Even the way she brushed the blood off and tossed the knife away like it was some toy had been handled with little care. “Didn’t that even hurt?” Erin had to ask, narrowing her eyes, which were still glued to the small pink scar that had formed. 

Erin straightened her back at the woman’s question. “Yeah, I uh--I know things,” she nodded with the authority of a woman who knew more than what Erin actually knew. This whole… supernatural thing was an ocean she was still just belly deep in. She could still see the beach but there was a big blue vastness far ahead of her. “Vampires, fae, the whole shebang,” she confirmed. Alcohol. Oh, she just remembered alcohol existed. She turned for the first time since they’d started practicing back to her beer. Eyed Mercy the whole time she took a sip, gesturing towards her with her other hand. “So, what does that make… you?” She winced as soon as the question left her mouth. “Wait, sorry. Is that rude? Can I just... ask that?”

“Sure it hurt… it’s a fuckin’ knife in my arm,” Mercy snorted. “No point cryin’ over it though.” Mercy was used to pain, and to pushing through it. Pain meant you were still alive. That whatever had caused it hadn’t killed you yet. Not to mention the slight numbness that came with consuming as much alcohol as Mercy had. 

So Erin only received a slightly narrowed gaze from Mercy instead of the full-on look of skepticism she might have received had Mercy been sober. But after a moment, Mercy’s expression turned to a  grin. “That’s awesome.” It was always an interesting thing, meeting someone who already knew about the supernatural. And for it to be Erin, someone that Mercy considered an actual friend… a good friend at that… was even better. Though Mercy was still forever cautious. And she never revealed the identity of others like herself, no matter how drunk or impaired she was. 

Mercy snagged her own beer and flopped down on the couch, blinking heavily. “‘S’not rude. I wish more people would just… fuckin’ ask. Instead of…” She waved a hand vaguely. “Beatin’ around the bush. Course not a lotta people know about… things. So… there’s that. But, we’re friends, right? You’re like… my only real friend. ‘Cept Arthur. Who may or may not lament that title - among others - at this point in our…” Mercy huffed, “relationship. But… since you asked, and I know you’re not a hunter… since… you know… the whole stabby-stab freakin’ you out bit...” A long sip of her beer followed, the coming revelation hanging heavily in the air. “I… am a Valkyrie.”

Erin shifted uncomfortably under Mercy’s gaze, until at last she got that look of approval. She wasn’t about to forget that whatever Mercy was, she’d been able to heal herself in a matter of minutes. Could vampires do that? No, no--she was definitely alive. She’d been warm to the touch during their brief training session. Fae? She didn’t know what the hell constituted a fae exactly but… maybe? She wasn’t afraid, though. If Mercy had any ill-intent towards her, they wouldn’t have been friends for as long as they had been. 

“You’re right, I am your friend,” Erin lamented, slipping into the spot beside her, giving her arm a gentle squeeze.She was her friend though, even if Erin hadn’t been the best one lately, she could admit that. Her world had turned on its head and taken her for a ride, so she had some making up to do. “I don’t think your boyfriend likes me much though,” she smirked, recalling the way he’d very quickly skedaddled away from her. But if Mercy was supernatural, and considering how he’d run away from her at the mention of his identical-looking family members, maybe there was something else going on there. That was quickly forgotten when she got lost in Mercy’s dramatic pause, leading into a confession. Valkyrie. Erin sat there for a moment, eyes wide, searching her friend’s face for more clues. “Okay,” she nodded slowly, still staring, realizing she was about to expose herself on how little she actually knew. But she had to ask. “What’s… uh, what’s that?”

One of the advantages of Mercy’s species was that she looked absolutely human. No one would ever know the difference in everyday life. She had been human once, after all. So Mercy watched as the cogs in Erin’s head started to turn. She was processing, thinking over things, and so on. Mercy half-expected her to leave. But she didn’t. Instead, she plopped down beside Mercy on the couch. 

Mercy was… surprised. Pleasantly, for once. And despite her inebriation, her expression said as much, and that she appreciated it more than Erin could know. “Thanks…” Mercy told her, giving her own arm a bump. Mercy gave Erin’s smirk a small, confused frown. “Boyfriend? Wh- OHhhh. You mean Arthur.” Mercy snorted and shook her head. “Nooo… no, he’s… he’s not my boyfriend… he’s… mmm… he’s my…” Her brow furrowed, as it suddenly became very hard to classify her oldest friend at that moment. So Mercy’s brain took the easiest route. “Ex-hus- No. Fiance. Ex-fiance? … since ya know. We almost got married…” Mercy held up a single finger. “...once. ‘S’like… 200 years ago now? It... didn’t work out.” Mercy fiddled with her sleeve, the fact that she’d just told Erin that both she and Arthur were at least two centuries old not even phasing her. “But… I still love him, ya know? It’s… pretty pathetic I guess. Since… I don’t think he even… notices me like that anymore. He was… pretty mad at me for a long time.” Mercy gave Erin a tight smile. “So… yeah. Not my boyfriend.” Her rambling had completely lost the plot on why Arthur didn’t like Erin, so she didn’t ask about it at the moment. 

Besides, Mercy had just revealed what she was to Erin. There were certain to be questions, raised eyebrows, maybe even an exclamation or two. Mercy waited for it… watched Erin’s expression as it started to sink in… and then… nothing. Nada. Zilch. 

Mercy visibly deflated. “Valkyries?“ she asked, raising her own eyebrows. “Female warrior figure from Norse legends? Choosers of who lives and who dies in battle? Transporting worthy souls to Valhalla? Big fucking wings? Unkillable?” Mercy sighed. Of course not. “I don’t… do the soul thing. Or… the wing bit - not really - ... because no one read me the fine fucking print, but I-” Mercy touched her fingers to her chest. “- am older than I look. And virtually unkillable. Chaos and discord make me strong, and I can… exert certain influence over people… if I want.” There was more, of course, but Mercy paused there, needing another drink.

The cold beer in her hand was more grounding and necessary than Erin realized as Mercy continued to pour her secrets out between them. And maybe it wasn’t fair of her to think this, but she couldn’t help but feel some type of way about being left out of so much of her friend’s life. But then again--there was a whole side to Erin’s life she wasn’t about to spill to anyone right now. So she cinched those feelings and tossed them away, absorbing and going into listening mode. 

“Did you just say two hundred years ago?” Her eyes scanned her friend’s features, as if something would give her true age away. Things were falling into place though. Why Arthur’s face kept popping up in his family’s old photos, why he had bolted like he had out of the coffee shop that day. She’d touched on something he didn’t want anyone to find out. What was he though? “Wait, how old are you?” She asked as delicately as she could muster. She turned further, resting her elbow on the back of the couch. Her mouth opened to say something, one of the thousand questions bouncing through her brain, but all she could do was stare (not impolitely) as she pictured her friend as the ancient female warrior figure she’d just described. “Huh,” was all she could manage for a few moments. “What do you mean? What, uh--what kind of influence?” She tensed a little as that descriptor, certain fae-related memories in the form of water-logged promises and pheromone eggplant parm dinners rushing back to her.

It was rare that Mercy shared certain things about herself. Not because she didn’t trust most people (she didn’t) but because it was dangerous. Both for her and the people that knew. Arthur was one thing. He was OG immortal like her. Among other things. But Mercy hadn’t told anyone else in… years. Something about Erin made her want to tell the other woman. Maybe it was because they were friends. Erin never judged her too harshly for her choices. She might tell her they were stupid or fucked up or absolutely insane, but Mercy genuinely trusted her. Had she been sober, it might’ve been different. But it had been a long few weeks, and Mercy needed to tell someone about it. About herself. About Arthur. About… everything. Maybe it wasn’t fair to Erin (it wasn’t… not one tiny bit), but Mercy was hardly in a state to think that deeply. 

“Yep.” Mercy made a popping sound on the ‘p.’ “Two hundred years.” She watched Erin watch her, watched as her friend’s beer-soaked braincogs started turning… processing it all. She didn’t know Erin was researching Arthur’s family just yet, and that so much of what Mercy was saying was connecting those particular cogs. But even as drunk as she was, Mercy wouldn’t let out Arthur’s secret. She never had. So she waited, and when the inevitable question about herself followed, Mercy sobered ever so slightly. Something about answering this particular thing always seemed… well, sobering. 

She mirrored Erin’s posture, propping her arm on the back of the sofa. “This year... will be my 1200th summer since I was born. I was human then. My parents were human. My brothers and sisters too. But… when I was…” Mercy shook her head slightly. It was hard to remember exactly. “... thirty-five… thirty-six? I became what I am now. I chose it, so… it wasn’t a bad thing.” The trepidation that settled on Erin’s face wasn’t lost on Mercy, who sighed. “We have the ability to influence certain emotions. To… push… people to do things. But that emotion has to exist inside them already. Things like… hate, fear, outrage… love... can’t be created from nothing. But if there’s a spark… if we’re strong enough, we can fan that spark into an inferno. But even then… on some people… it doesn’t work.” She took a long drink. “I prefer helping people help themselves. To fight back… to… be stronger than the things that wanna hurt them…” She looked at her friend. “And before you ask… no. I haven’t used it on you. Not that you would know if I had, but… no. I haven’t.” Mercy grinned. “You stabbed me all on your own, lady.” 

Two hundred suddenly seemed incredible tame in comparison to what Mercy revealed to be her actual age. 1200. It didn’t feel real and Erin had a feeling it was going to take some time for that number to be tangible. Wasn’t gonna happen now, she knew that much. She listened, quiet but intently, anxious hands drawing the bottle to her lips until it was nearly empty. Her friend didn’t seem super thrilled to have to explain her ability, or that she hadn’t used it on Erin, and she understood that. She’d seen that look before on the faces of her other supernatural friends, which at this point seemed like practically all of them at this point. All of those discussions had readied her for this one, as much as they could at least. 

“That sounds kind of… cool, honestly?” she finally spoke, stumbling a little, the sincerity was there. “You don’t like--do it against their will though, do you?” Erin narrowed her eyes curiously, lifting the bottle to top off the last of the beer. Cringed when she brought up the stabbing. Considering the jaw-dropping information dump she’d just received, she’d nearly forgotten that crucial turning point in the evening. Her hand covered her forehead, sliding down slowly along her cheek. “I’m going to be sorry about that forever, I hope you know.” The corner of her mouth lifted into an innocent smile and she shrugged warily. “Thank God you’re unkillable, right?” 

Erin was quiet for a few moments more, sitting up slowly, pondering over the empty bottle in her hand. “Alright,” she nodded firmly, trying to push past the initial shock of this and into a clearer train of thought. She set her hand on Mercy’s knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. “This is what we’re going to do. I’m going to get us more drinks and then we’re going to sit here, and you’re going to tell me more about this fucking millenium-old lifetime you’ve been hiding from me all these years.” She smiled, trying to show her support here the best she could. Her friends were supernatural. That was just how this worked for her now. And she’d do her damndest to roll with this punch like she had with the others. It wasn’t like she didn’t have some of her own secrets anyway. ���Sound good?”

The problem with revealing what she was to others wasn’t always how dangerous it could be. It also meant Mercy risked losing a friend. More often than not, people revealed their true nature when faced with something that they didn’t understand. Or that scared them. Or both. And Mercy understood. She really did. But even after a thousand years it never got easier to see someone that you’d trusted enough to tell your biggest secret to look at you with either revulsion, fear, anger, or an entire list of other very complicated emotions. And nine times out of ten, Mercy lost. And for someone that didn’t trust or make friends easily, each time one of those relationships crumbled, Mercy felt a bit of her faith in humanity fall away. 

So she answered Erin’s questions and waited for the inevitable, even though the other woman said she already knew about certain parts of the supernatural world. When it didn’t come, and Erin asked more questions instead of exiting the premises as fast as humanly possible, Mercy knew a look of earnest surprise crossed her face. And despite her reticence and her total inebriation, Mercy was grateful to Erin in that moment. “No… not really… it’s-” Mercy found it hard to explain. “More like the power of suggestion? The want to is there, already inside someone… however small… I’m that little voice - a muse, if you like… - that says ‘you know you want to,’ or… ‘you can do this.’ I can’t make people do things… that’s more like vampire compulsion… but I can heavily influence their decisions.” And even that wasn’t a good explanation in Mercy’s mind.

But again, Erin took it all in, and Mercy was still a bit unsure where they stood. So when Erin nodded and made a decision, Mercy let out a relieved breath and smiled. “Sounds perfect.” 

They would drink, and they would talk. Like normal people on a normal Saturday night. 

And for the first time in a long, long while, Mercy felt exactly that: normal. 

 ~

[n-acmi]

             ₍ ♡ 𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊  𝟎𝟎𝟏 ⋪ 𝐖𝐇𝐘 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝐏𝐘𝐍𝐊? ₎

                                             ( @pvalleyhqs​ )

How long have you been working at CODE PYNK and what made you apply?

“been working here since the age of 19, so.. for a couple of years. when a family member of mine, whose name i shall not mention; used to work here, there would be days where i would come over and yanno spend a weekend or two and they would take me with them to come here since there was not much for me to do being alone in a big ol’ apartment by myself. i would watch everything behind the scenes and witnessing how lively everything and everyone was made me want to be part of the pynk family too some day. now, here i am.

Would you recommend CODE PYNK as an employer to anyone that wants to do what you do?

“most definitely. unlike other places that may be snobby as f*ck and just full of dumb blondes with big titties, code pynk has beautiful black women, full of fun, talent, and did i mention beautiful black women? who wouldn’t want to be ‘round that the whole entire day?

Is there anything about CODE PYNK that makes you feel unsafe or worried to come to work?

“nope, not at all. we have staff here that definitely makes sure especially for us girls that we are safe at all times because you know, there are some perverted creatures out there who loves to take advantage of women. to the time the club opens to the time it shuts down, we’re always protected and it’s one of the things i love about it here.”

CODE PYNK is suppose to comply by all STATE laws, would you say that everyone complies with the rules?

“...did everyone try the chicken? i thought it was lovely!”

How would the closing of CODE PYNK affect your daily life and/or income?

“considering that code pynk is my biggest income.. i don’t think i would get quick money anywhere else the way i get it here. god forbid it does shut down, it would definitely be a slap in the face to many of us. but, i know that i always have a plan b if that time comes.”

Overall, would you say CODE PYNK is a comfortable and friendly environment? Is there anything you would change?

“although some people attitudes do be catchin’ me off guard and making me wanting to snuff the f*ck outta them, it is for sure comfortable and friendly here. not friendly as if we were in that bootleg white version of living single. friendly.. the black way. where the tough love comes in when necessary. nothing i would change about it.”

Finally, why would YOU save CODE PYNK and what do you believe the importance of this club is?

“code pynk is not just a club. it’s a form of art where black women like myself can be ourselves and not give two fucks on how society portrays our jobs. when our self esteem gets low, we have this place we treat as a second home, a home in general. that’s why i will continue to try my best in saving it in any way possible.”

[ladyofpurple]

answer all of the questions!!

holy SHIT ok bless you omg

(sorry it's a full day late i took this shit SERIOUSLY. don't ask me how many hours this took, i was in A Mood™️ last night. removed the ones already answered xoxo)

angel; have you ever been in love?

yeah. didn't end too well, but i loved him.

petal; favorite novel and author?

this is like asking me to pick a favorite child. i guess favorite author would be stephen king, if only based entirely on the sheer quantity of his books i own alone. favorite book would probably be special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl, and i'm only saying that because it's been my go-to response for years. i have lots of favorite books. ask me again in five minutes and i'll give you another one.

honey perfume; favorite perfume/scent?

freshly made coffee. lilacs. jasmine. cut grass. the ground after it rains. chocolate chip cookies in the oven. cigarette smoke on skin. my mom's shampoo. my grandma. my dog when he's just had a bath. thanksgiving dinner. acrylic paint on canvas. sawdust. that one cologne i can't name but can smell on a guy from a mile away. mulled cranberry and apple juice. vanilla. coconut. fresh laundry. peppermint.

sweet pea; what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, pisces moon, scorpio rising ✨

softie; talk about your sexuality.

i'm biromantic asexual, primarily attracted to men more than women (but have had too many crushes on girls to consider myself het), generally sex repulsed when it comes to the thought of having it myself. i prefer to call myself queer in passing conversation, it's easier than explaining asexuality and the differences between sexual and romantic attraction. if someone asks more specifically, i'll usually just call myself bi for simplicity's sake, even though the ace part is a much more important (to me) part of my identity. monogamous as fuck.

i'm still struggling with internalized homophobia and a lot of "am i even queer enough" thoughts, which is super fun. took me a long time to even consider the fact that i might like girls at all. i'll probably never come out to my parents. not that they'd, like, disown me or whatever, but they're juuuuust homophobic/transphobic enough that my few attempts to educate them when they say something A Little Yikes have shown me that i should probably just stay in the closet unless i absolutely have to come out. like i'm getting married to a woman or something.

sugarplum; what’s the color of your eyes and hair?

i usually say my eyes are green because it's easier, and they mostly are, but i have rings of greyish blue around the irises and sometimes they're more hazel in the middle. they always have a green tint to them though, even if the intensity of the green varies.

my natural hair is brown, a little on the darker and slightly ashy side of completely generic. currently a former blonde, although i'm hoping to bleach my fucking YEAR of growout soon, and then go some crazy color as a last hurrah before i have to go dark again. being broke fucking sucks.

wings; coffee or tea?

tea!! black tea. chai, to be specific, with an irresponsible amount of milk and sugar. chai lattes are a fucking drug okay? coffee makes me sick (not a judgement, a literal fact. last time i tried some i threw up).

fairytale; are you a cat or dog person?

cat!! but my family has a chihuahua named sonny and you can pry that little monster from my cold dead hands ok i will fight you.

snowflake; favorite time period?

okay, i wrote and rewrote my answer to this about 10 times. then i tried to divide it up into categories (aesthetics, history, fashion, vibes, geographical location, etc), but that didn't help. so basically: i don't have one, because i have too many.

i like the american 20s-60s for the aesthetic, music/movies, and the fashion. i also like the european 1600s-1800s for the interesting history and also vibe. i love the french and russian revolutions — the fashion! the art! the wars and political upheaval! I FUCKING LOVE HISTORY. then, of course, we can't forget the rennaisance. or the witch trials (pick your continent). and ancient greece? the roman empire? hello?? did i mention empires? how bout we mosy on over to south america — can i interest you in the mayans? incans? aztecs? what about china and japan? korea? vietnam? and don't even get me fucking STARTED on the black plague.

ancient egypt? sign me the FUCK UP. vikings? yes please. the celts? oh boy. the MYTHOLOGY. the ARCHITECTURE. the LANGUAGES and POLITICS and LITERATURE and REVOLUTIONS and GOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ANY OF THESE

i uh. might have gotten a little excited. basically i like history a lot. and mythology. and linguistics. and cultural practices. and the politics and prejudices behind wars and stuff. and learning in general. moving on.

vanilla; do you believe in ghosts?

let's put it this way: i don't not believe in ghosts??

listen. we don't know jack shit. we don't know what happens after we die, there are constant scientific revelations that turn our understanding of the universe completely upside-down, and there is literally no way to know which religions or myths or urban legends could have some grain of truth to them. like, dude, i've literally thought i was haunted before. psychology is bananas and the universe is infinite.

demons could be real. ghosts could be real. what if we just haven't invented the necessary technology to prove it yet? what if we never do, and they just fuck around alongside us, moving furniture and making shadow puppets on the walls just for kicks until the earth explodes? what if that one tumblr post was right and ghosts are actually real people from alternate universes or timelines that we see accidentally bc some cosmic wires got crossed? who fucking knows.

i love horror movies and scary stories and ghost hunter shows just as much as the next gal. but listen. psychics? mediums? people who accept every single creepypasta retold third-hand from their neighbor's kid's classmate's second cousin who "totally knows a guy"? doubt.jpeg

i don't understand the sheer amount of assumptions made willy-nilly about the nature of ghosts and demons and things that go bump in the night. the assumption that "oh this machine that totally doesn't look like a coathanger taped to a walkman will work because ghosts have this temperature and can always communicate like this and are electromagnetic" or whatever just baffles me. to a certain degree, following a general consensus is one thing — some basic things everyone can agree on? that's cool. ghosts can walk through walls and are probably dead people or whatever. but oh my god, taking every single story as absolute, undeniable proof?? taking these stories and expanding on them to infer intentions and scientific facts to something that by it's very nature is unknowable and assuming, like, every spirit is created equal?? and yeah, ghost hunting shows are fun and campy and kinda creepy but like. you really, genuinely don't think any of them have ever faked anything at all??? even if ghosts are real, it's fucking reality tv, my dude. it's the entertainment industry. at least maintain the slightest ounce of critical thought before taking zak bagans' word as the goddamn gospel.

and sidenote, maybe it's just my limited exposure as a white woman in the western world, but of all the shows and podcasts and movies and documentaries and whatnot i've been able to find and consume, there's the constant use of christian ideology applied to every situation that just really burns my bacon. what, there's never been an atheist ghost? if you see a shadow person and you don't know the lord's prayer by heart, are you automatically fucked? why are there never stories about, i don't know, viking ghosts? does your religion in life preclude you from becoming a ghost in the first place? is that why people never mention buddhist ghosts? i don't get it, and that's why even though i'm self-admittedly the most superstitious person i've ever met, true believers make me roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out. makes me come across as more skeptical than i theoretically am. I HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OK

but like, you couldn't pay me to fuck with a ouija board. i'm not stupid.

delicate; diamonds or pearls?

both have their appeal and their place, but diamonds, i guess. i like the sparkle. but fake ones!! or synthetic. diamonds are overpriced and artificial scarcity is a scam and i don't need a dumb rock that some poor person in a mine somewhere was exploited and possibly died for. no blood diamonds in this house, thank you very much.

if i ever get engaged, i don't want a diamond ring. i'd want something cool, a little unusual, like a ruby or a sapphire or some other sparkly gem that isn't literally shoved in your face every waking moment as the expected standard symbol of True Love. they're cheaper, they're cool-looking, as a ring they still hold the cultural symbolism of an engagement/wedding ring. and honestly, as long as it's well-made and durable, whatever hypothetical gem it is doesn't have to be real either. i'm a woman of simple needs and demonstrably low standards. no point in going into debt for a fucking piece of jewelry, regardless of ~tradition~.

lavender dream; favorite album?

oh lord. welcome to the black parade, i guess. or anything by panic! at the disco. there are dozens of possible options — my interests are mercurial and my memory is garbage. but i'll always be an emo little shit. black parade and vices and virtues were also the first two albums i ever listened to where i loved every single song on them, and i happened to listen to them for the first time at around the same point in my life (i got into mcr super late. like, 2012 late. rip).

silky; what’s your biggest dream?

it's cheesy but i guess i just want stability and, by extension, happiness. emotional stability, mental stability, financial stability, stable living situation, stable routines, stable relationships... you get the idea. i have ambitions and passions, of course, but my ultimate goal is happiness at this point in my life, and i'm pretty sure stabilizing all those things would go a pretty long way in achieving that goal.

a little apartment with walls i can paint because white walls make me angry. bookshelves and posters and fandom merch on every wall. a computer i can actually play games on again, and somewhere i can paint and draw and record my podcasts. someone who loves me, maybe. a cat, if i'm stable enough. space for people to come visit me, and a place for them to sleep if they need. a tiny balcony, if i really want to shoot for the stars. a job i don't hate. the spoons to hang out with my friends, and the money to not worry about buying little presents for the people i care about sometimes. i don't need much.

strawberry kiss; do you have a crush right now?

nope.

glitter; favorite fictional character?

another loaded question. like books, if you ask me again in five minutes i'll probably give you a different answer. but in this particular moment, caleb and jester from critical role (please don't make me choose between them). i won't go full shipping mode rn, but jester is so funny and silly and sweet, so much more complex than she seems, and she tries so hard to make everyone happy even when she's so sad inside. the healer who treats healing as an inconvenience in battle (she's so fucking valid and also mood), the glue that keeps the party together. and caleb learning to trust again, facing his trauma and coming out of his shell. he loves his friends so much he plays wizard as a support class and i love him so much.

i love the mighty nein in general, of course, and all the guests/honorary members they've had. pumat!! pls don't be evil reani!! keg!! shakäste and grand duchess anastasia!! cali!! kiri!!!! the brotps! empire siblings! chaos crew! nott the best detective agency! i still love molly and all his assholery to bits (fight me), and mourn his lost potential. i adore yasha, even when she's gone; fjord has grown so much; beau and nott and caduceus — i love all their flaws and disagreements and their character arcs and the excitement of watching them grow and learn. but if i had to choose, caleb, jester and molly have always been my top 3 since day 1 and, well, molly isn't really an option anymore.

but like i said, ask me again in a minute. i have a fucking list.

swan; share a quote or passage that means something to you.

a collection of things off the top of my head:

Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition. — Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

a tired feminist Mood™️

"What I say is, a town isn't a town without a bookstore. It may call itself a town, but unless it's got a bookstore, it knows it's not foolin' a soul." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

i got my love of books from my grandma — some of my favorites i got from her. sometimes, as a treat, she used to take my sister and i to bookstores and we'd stay there for ages, getting to pick one out, roaming the shelves, the mental torture of having to choose. the peace of being surrounded by thousands of potential worlds, so much information, so many stories just waiting to be told; being surrounded by strangers who share that same wonder. the anxious drive home so we could read them, being unable to wait that long so i inevitably start reading in the car and make myself sick. telling her in excited detail all my favorite parts. if we were lucky, maybe we got to split a bear claw, or she'd drive past starbucks and get us something there too (tall vanilla soy steamer with one pump of vanilla syrup, whipped cream on top that always melted too quickly and squirted out the hole in the lid, so hot it burned my tongue but so good i didn't care). i have never felt more at home than i do when i'm surrounded by books.

"There are a lot of different types of freedom. We talk about freedom the same way we talk about art, like it was a statement of quality rather than a description. “Art” doesn’t mean good or bad. Art just means art. It can be terrible and still be art. Freedom can be good or bad, too. There can be terrible freedom. You freed me, and I didn’t ask you to." — Alice Isn't Dead, season 1, chapter 2: Alice

as cringey as it is to admit it, this line made me cry a lot after my breakup.

"So you aren't American?" asked Shadow.

"Nobody's American," said Wednesday. "Not originally. That's my point." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

[side-eyes white america real hard]

there's more, of course. there's always more. don't even get me started on song lyrics, we'll be here all day.

lace; what’s your favorite plant/flower?

lilacs and roses.

mermaid; do you prefer the forest or the ocean? why?

both, i guess. but in different ways, and in different circumstances.

the sea is wild. it is endless and deep and unknowable. it is beautiful and dangerous. i am terrified of the ocean, and yet my favorite place in the world is an empty beach on the oregon coast. i have picked sand from between my toes for days with hair crusted in salt, danced around bonfires and watched the stars while marshmallows burn, gotten pulled under the waves as a child and nearly swept out to sea. picked starfish and crabs from small pools in the rocks, and swum (accidentally) with wild sea lions. in a long skirt, too early in the year to be swimming, i once took off my shoes and waded fully clothed into the water to my waist and just... danced. splashed and kicked and laughed with a boy i barely knew until our throats were sore and our toes were numb, walking home hours later with our soaked clothes clinging to our legs, shoes squelching, dripping algae as we went. the ocean is freeing and overwhelming all at once. i love it and am petrified by it in equal measure.

the forest is beautiful in a different way. it is silent and dense and serene. you are surrounded by life and yet, somehow, completely alone. there is magic in the forest, and history, and even when all else dies, that will remain. the trees grow from the corpses of their ancestors, and some have lived dozens of our lifetimes — with luck, a few dozen more. it is quiet there, peaceful, even the tiniest wood in the middle of a city muffling the outside world through the trees. you can feel the ancient ways deep in your soul as you follow winding paths strewn with fallen leaves, the mystery and wonder and superstitions of your forefathers. you wonder what it would be like, to run your fingers over the moss, to take off your shoes and socks and just run, leaping and dancing over rocks and roots, hair wild and air filling your lungs in deep, pure gulps as you shed the responsibilities and struggles of modern life, for just a moment remembering what freedom tastes like. it is primal, this connection to nature, one we have nearly forgotten over time. and as the sky grows dark and the silence of night presses against you, shadows looming, every footfall deafening, perhaps you begin to understand why some believed in monsters.

honeymoon; do you keep a journal?

i used to. honestly, that's a good idea, i should start doing that again. lord knows i have enough empty journal-type books.

starlight; do you believe in love at first sight and soulmates? why/why not?

i want to. i want to believe there's someone out there for me, the love of my life, someone to whom i'll be the love of their life, and that when i meet them i'll just... know.

but when i met my ex, i didn't really look twice at him for a while — no love at first sight. and when we were together, when i loved him and he swore he loved me back, i thought he hung the stars in the sky and knew i would marry him someday. couldn't even consider the idea that that wouldn't happen. and then when he broke up with me, he ghosted me so suddenly and thoroughly that he even preemptively cut contact with every single one of our mutual friends he thought might side with me in the breakup, before anybody even knew we'd had a fight. so, not soulmates either.

i really want to believe that someday the perfect romance will just fall into place and i can have the happily ever after i've always dreamed of. but the reality is i might never even have another s.o. for the rest of my life. maybe i'll get hit by a car tomorrow, or my hypothetical soulmate moves to argentina to become an alpaca farmer on a mountain somewhere and we never even meet. maybe i'm so traumatized by the betrayal and lies that i'll never have the courage to even try again.

and even so, happily ever after doesn't have to include a fairytale romance, regardless of whether i want it or not. i still like to cling to that hope though, deep down.

princess; what do you value most in people?

i'm going to assume you mean "real people" as in people i have positive relationships with, and not random strangers on the street.

loyalty. kindness. support. humor. similar values. patience. being able to grow together and teach each other things, so we can make each other better. honesty. trust. compassion. confidence. emotional vulnerability. communication. intelligence, or at least a willingness to learn. strength.

[never---ending---story]

Girls are doing all the fellows Jobs

Possible trigger warnings: None (if there are any, notify me)

This story was written for a school prompt, but just so you know, these two girls eventually date! I couldn’t write it because I go to a catholic school.

---------------------------------------------------

The lab around me bustled with excited people. A scientist I knew by the name of Dr.Nunn was bouncing on his heels as he ran up to me. The smile never left his face as he studied what I was wearing.

“Oh, gee Sarah,” he said excitedly “this is really happening!” I felt a tug on my hair and looked behind me to see Amanda, the girl in charge of time traveling outfits. She smiled shyly “Sorry, Ms.Harlow,” she said quietly before turning her attention away from me and going back to work on my hair. I just rolled my eyes and looked at the scientist in front of me. 

“Are you excited?” he asked with enthusiasm, “I mean why wouldn’t you be! You’re going back in time.” He chuckled to himself and looked at his clipboard, “Well anyway, I’m here to talk to you about staying in character and such.” I internally scoffed. I’d been studying for this role for a year by now. In 2019, Dr.Nunn approached me about a project he was working on. In 1918 there was a flu pandemic and he wanted to do further research on it. So, of course, he came to the conclusion that time travel was his best option. He offered such a generous amount of money, I couldn’t turn him down even after he told me the risks. To this day he still has the same jittery excitement from the first day he approached me. At this point, I assume it’s natural or he just really likes his job. Recently, however, the objective of our time travel mission changed. Ever since the coronavirus started taking over the world, Anderson labs have been at nonstop work trying to fix it. After numerous meetings with the world’s leaders, it was determined that we needed to give the people of the past the closest thing we have to a cure. Common sense and self-isolation. Dr.Nunn calls it something more professional, but I’m just an actress, I don’t need every single detail. I mean I might need every detail legally but personally, I don’t see the need.

“Alright, Sarah. Do you have your alias ready?”  Dr. Nunn asked, retrieving a pen from his pocket. Alias? I looked at him with an expression that reflected my confusion. He wanted me to have an alias. Why couldn’t I just go by Sarah? “An alias,” Dr.Nunn repeated clicking his pen, “the one I asked you for three weeks ago.”

Did he ask me for an alias? I asked myself If so when?

The blonde researcher in front of me sighed heavily. “Damnit, Sarah. How about Mildred White? Mildred was a common name back then” he asked me. I cringed. Mildred? Was that a real name? I refused to be called Mildred when speaking to a government official from 1918. No, no anything else would be better than Mildred.

I shook my head, “God no,” I said in disgust “The last name is fine just” I took a deep breath no wanting to say the name “The last name is fine just...Mildred?”

Dr. Nunn shook his head slightly and sighed heavily. He now looked tired, maybe annoyed. “Well maybe if you came up with alias like I told you I wouldn’t have been on the table,” he rolled his eyes “Dorothy”

I considered this name. Dorothy? It was significantly better than Mildred that was for sure but there was one problem. I did not look like a Dorothy! From my long red hair to my brown eyes, I didn’t look like a Dorothy. Even in my 1918 get up, I couldn’t imagine myself as a Dorothy.

“Amanda?” I asked my stylist, “Who do I look like more? A Mildred or a Dorothy.” Amanda looked away from one of my curlers. “Well miss,” she started, “I think you can be whoever you want,” she said sweetly. Cute? Yes. What I needed? No.

“Amanda that’s not what I asked. Now tell me which name fits better.”

Amanda sighed heavily “I think Mildred works just fine,” she said quietly before turning his attention away. I looked at the intelligent man in front of me “I guess Mildred it is Dr.Nunn,” I said with slight distaste. Dr.Nunn sighed “Just call me Elijah. I’m tired of being called Doctor. Doctor this, doctor that. When can a guy get a break!” He scribbled what I assumed was my alias into his clipboard, not his internal struggle with having a Ph.D. and brilliant mind.

I smiled at him nonetheless “Well, Eli I think I’ll be fine in character. Will I have an earpiece?” I asked as Amanda stepped in front of me holding a tube of bright red lipstick I could’ve easily applied myself. Of course, I wasn’t going to do that. The professionals were there for a reason. We all had our job to do.

“Well duh,” Eli replied, “We might need to feed you lines or help you get back to the present day. Don’t be dumb Sarah.” he ran his fingers through his hair nervously, “I just hope they’ll connect.”

------

I hated having wires connected to me. They were always connected in odd ways and made me feel like I was chained down. But when it came to time travel, something felt empowering about the wires and things that had been connected from my head to my toes. Even my fingers had these weird clips. They were all in place for my safety of course. You couldn’t just travel to the past. Going back in time all the way has to take every part of you, even your toes. I’ve been told that if something goes wrong, I’ll be in serious trouble. The first person they ever sent to time travel was a man named Jude Freeweather and when he came back they found that he had gone insane.

So, needless to say, I was nervous.

I brushed down the fabric of my dress and looked over at Dr.Nunn. He smiled at me and gave me a thumbs up. Eli was tapped on the shoulder by the Lab’s head scientist, Dr. Carson Anderson. Dr.Anderson was overlooking the project because, at this point, it could be a vital part of saving thousands of people. Sure, that wouldn’t help our modern-day overpopulation problem, but it might keep the people I care about most. Eli finished his conversation with the lab’s head scientist with a nod and walked over to me.

“Hi, Sarah,” he said sweetly though there was a hint of nervousness in his voice, “I’ve gotta give you a rundown of how you’re going to be getting back.”He then showed me a leather pouch “in here there’s a patch with a needle on it that you need to put right in the crease of your arm” he flexed his arm and pointed at the space where his arm bent. His elbow. “This should keep everything intact on your way back. You have wires and things under your dress too. All you need to do is give us the word and we’ll transport you back to 2020. Got that?” he asked handing out the pouch in his hand. It took it and slipped it into the pocket of my light pink dress. Ah, 1918. Where dresses with pockets weren’t a thing of legend. I wish I was there. With a jolt, I realized that I soon would be. Eli smiled at me.

“I believe in you, Sarah,” he said “you’re one kick-butt girl, so go kick the butt of this pandemic!” there were a few scattered cheers throughout the lab. Dr.Nunn blushed. He let out a deep breath and hugged me, “You’re going to do great.”

---

1918 Washington D.C was not what I expected. I was hoping for lively music and bustling streets. Instead, I’m met with quiet roads where only old cars and taxis drive down the roads. I clear my throat in my oddly quiet surroundings. A woman rushes past me, scarf pulled tightly over her mouth. Her black hair is pinned behind her head. Even though she has her head looking straight at the ground, I know she knows her way around the city. So, I walk up to her.

“Excuse me miss,” I say, remembering to slip into my character. The things around me may be astonishing, but I have to keep my head on the final goal. The lady jumps a bit and looks over at me. “I was just wonderin’ if you could pint me in the direction of the nation’s capital?”

The lady puts her scarf down, “well, that’s where I’m headed right now” she said, “Jus’ follow me.” I nodded at her and smiled.

“My name is, Uhm,” I paused, there was no way I’m addressing myself as Mildred “Dorothy White.” I stuck out my hand to shake hers. She flinched.

“Now, we ain’t supposed to shakin’ hands,” she said, “and I’m gonna follow them rules ‘cause I ain’t lookin’ to get sick.” I put my hand down. Right. “These here are tryin’ times Ms.White,” she said as she started walking again. I followed. “My name is Florence by the way,” she said looking over at me. She had golden-brown eyes and pale skin. “Florence Price. My husband used to work in the capitol building, but ever since the war, I’ve had to do his job fo’ him. Seems things ‘round here is runnin’ more smoothly. Women should do all the fellow’s jobs at this point.” 

Oh, gee I thought to myself just you wait Florence. By the way, did I mention that Florence was a much better name than Dorothy?

We walked down the street and Florence aimlessly chattered. I didn’t want to say pointless chattering because I found it quite delightful. She told me about her life. Her husband, Arthur, was off fighting this what she called, “the great war. It’s gon’ end all them wars jus’ you wait Dorothy.”

I found it a bit sad because I knew that she was talking about the first world war. I made up some lie about a husband named Morris. I’d heard the name is a historical show and decided to use it. She said that she missed her husband dearly, but enjoyed working in the capitol.

“I mean I do miss him. It’s jus’ that workin’ here if fun! An’ it makes me feel important! Why are you going to the capitol buildin’ anyway? I ain’t ever seen you before.” she stopped in her tracks and turned to me, “you a spy?”

I chuckled and shook my head, “Naw. I’m lookin’ to talk to someone important. I’m thinkin’ I know how to stop this virus.”

Florence’s eyes widened, “Really? You mus’ be awfully smart” she said fixing her dark blue hat.

“Well, it ain’t that hard. You’ve just gotta stay apart. Close stores and office buildings. Work from home.” Florence gave me a suspicious look.

“How in the world is we supposed to work from home!” she cried “It ain’t like we got some fancy stuff so we can talk all day. I can’t afford no phone! Them things are expensive!” she let out a sigh “I can’t just stay home and bring people papers at the same time you know.”

I cringed at myself. I forgot they didn’t have any electricity. “Well, then y’all just don’t have to work.”

She glared at me “Not work? I love doin’ a fellows’ job, Dorothy. I ain’t lookin’ to go home and start sewin’ again. Bein’ in charge is fun.”

Then an idea popped into my head, “Florence you could jus’ rise up after this whole thing. Start a movement, convincin’ them government folk to let women have jobs.”

Florence’s face lit up, “That ain’t a bad idea Dorothy!” she looked over at me, grinning with a happiness I’d never seen before. She grabbed my arms, even though she protested touching me a few minutes ago. “Dorothy, I can pitch your idea!” she cried, “I can’t be sure they’ll let you in with none to question. I can go straight in there and tell them that we need to go home and stop workin’-”

“And that they need to work on medicine” I added quickly. Florence whacked my arm

“That too! You’re brilliant. And then once everythin’ is okay again, I can speak up. Get all my friends to join me! You’ll join me won’t you Dorothy?”

I gulped and nodded. This girl was so nice and I just had to go and lie straight to her face.

“Wonderful!’ she squealed, “I’ve gotta go, but I’ll tell you how it goes! Five chimes on the clock and I’m out.” She kissed my cheek, and with one last smile, was sprinting down the road.

I took a deep breath and looked around me. No one. So, I quickly pulled the leather pouch Eli gave me out of my pocket and put it in the crease of my arm. I pressed the button in the back of my earpiece to turn it on.

“I did it. Now get me home.” 

There was noise on the other side of the earpiece, “So, soon. Way to go Sarah!” I could tell it was Eli. “transporting you back in three...two..one”

END

[wistfulcynic]

Three Non-Blondes 3 / 4

Sooo, the chapter count has grown yet again because I have no chill. This is the last time, I swear, and also Chapter 4 will contain the best dumb OUAT-related joke that I or anyone else has ever written. So that’s something to look forward to. 

Summary: Mary Margaret is certain that her fiancé’s sister Emma and his best friend Killian are perfect for each other. What she doesn’t know is that they think so too. Matchmaking hijinks ensue.

Rating: T

AO3

Chapter 3: 

David snuck quietly into his mother’s kitchen and reached for the small cupboard above the refrigerator where he knew she kept her liquor. She didn’t know that he knew —or he didn’t think she did, but then David had never been the sort of teenager to pilfer alcohol and give the secret away via noticeable reductions in bottle volume— and he loved that she hid it in a place she needed a stool to reach but he could access easily. Sometimes it was nice that she still thought he was ten years old. He groped for a moment before withdrawing the bottle of bourbon that was the “secret” ingredient in Ruth’s apple pecan pie.  He wasn’t much of a liquor drinker as a rule, generally preferring beer or a nice brown ale. But today, he thought, he’d make an exception. 

Grabbing a glass, he poured himself a generous measure and gulped it straight down, managing not to cough too loudly as it burned a trail to his stomach. Before he could think better of it, he poured another shot and tossed that back as well —it went down easier the second time— and was just debating a third when the door opened and Mary Margaret appeared. 

“What are you— David! It’s not like you to drink whiskey!” 

Gathering his liquid courage, David turned to face her. “Sweetheart, you know I love you more than anything and normally I would never question your judgment,” he began, then took a deep breath. “But are you sure this is a good idea? I just feel like Killian and Emma should be left to make their own choices—” 

“No one is saying they can’t make their own choices.” Mary Margaret interrupted firmly. “All we’re doing is nudging them in the direction of the right ones.” 

David plunged ahead, heedless of all peril. “Are you sure that’s what we’re doing? Because it feels a lot like playing with people’s lives.” Whew. There. He’d said it. 

“If people can’t get their own act together then other people need to step in,” snapped Mary Margaret. “Do you want Emma and Killian to be miserable?”

“But they’re not miser—” 

“They will be, if they have to spend their lives alone because they’re too stubborn to see what’s in front of them.” 

“Killian’s hardly alone, I’m sure he was in bed with someone when I called him this morning—” 

“The wrong someone, David!” 

David gave up. Mary Margaret in full battle mode was a force he was not equipped to reckon with. So he kissed her head, promised to be out in a minute, and surreptitiously took a generous swig straight from the bottle before returning it to its hiding spot just as the doorbell rang. 

“Here goes nothing,” he muttered, and prepared to herd two people he loved into an ambush set by a third. 

—

An hour later, David was… baffled. Nothing seemed to be quite going as he had expected. Which considering he had expected disaster, was… good? 

Maybe? 

Certainly, Mary Margaret didn’t seem to feel that there was anything wrong. She had introduced Killian to Belle as per the plan, barely restraining her glee as he and the pretty brunette had struck up a lively conversation within minutes of the introduction, then had begun prodding Emma in a way that was not nearly as subtle as she probably thought.   

“I’m so glad Killian and Belle are getting along, I knew they would,” she said as she and Emma sat in a corner of the living room, watching the pair in question. “I know Killian gets around a bit but this isn’t like those women he picks up at the pub. He and Belle have actual things in common—”

“What, because he’s a writer and she’s a librarian?” Emma broke in. “There’s a lot more to Killian than just books, Mary Margaret.”

 Mary Margaret didn’t even seem to hear her. “—Killian deserves that, you know, he deserves a real relationship with someone who loves him. I think Belle could be it.”

“Do you, now?”

As far as David understood the plan (and if he was perfectly honest, he wasn’t certain he did understand it), Emma was supposed to be jealous hearing that. She was supposed to realise her feelings for Killian in a blinding flash of clarity, some twisted Damascene moment, and resolve then and there not to let Belle take her man. 

Or something. 

Instead, she just looked amused. 

“Yeah, I’m not sure she’s really Killian’s type,” said Emma. She was, David noticed, holding her face very straight. Unnaturally straight. It was, in fact, exactly the same face she’d worn that year she found all the Christmas presents before Ruth managed to wrap them and had held it over David’s head for weeks. It was the face she had when she was trying not to laugh with glee. 

“No offence, Emma, but you’re hardly the best person to judge what Killian’s type is,” said Mary Margaret.

“No, you’re probably right,” said Emma’s mouth, but her eyes glinted with mischief. “I mean, I hardly know the guy.” 

“Well, exactly.” 

Mary Margaret smiled sweetly. 

Emma smiled sweetly. 

David’s head began to hurt. There was definitely something fishy going on here.

—

Things had become no less piscine by the time they made it to the dinner table. Mary Margaret managed to ensure that Killian and Belle sat next to each other with Emma across from them, and her smile as she watched Belle ask insightful questions about Killian’s latest book was decidedly smug. 

“Look at Emma,” she mouthed at David, whose angle on his sister was better than hers. “What’s her face doing?”

David watched Emma as the conversation died down while people helped themselves to food. She looked like she always did when she was about to tuck into their mom’s cooking, practically dancing with anticipation, and also… just for a moment, just the briefest flash… she smiled. At Killian. A small, secret smile, of the sort people only exchanged with those they knew intimately. Intimately in a very specific way. 

David’s eyes shot to Killian. Who was smiling the exact same smile. 

Holy fuck, thought David in a blinding flash of clarity, a twisted Damascene moment. They’re fucking. 

—

“Well, I think that went very well,” said Mary Margaret, some time later after everyone else had gone and she and David were cleaning up the kitchen. 

“Mmmmm,” said David. 

“Phase Two launches next Saturday. Have you called August?”

David decided to give it one last try. “Yes, but I really think that—” 

“No, David, this will work, I’m sure of it. We’ve already made a great start.” 

David sighed. “Okay,” he said. 

—

“Phase Two” as Mary Margaret called it was scheduled to get underway as soon as both Emma and Killian arrived at the pub for their usual Saturday evening meet up. All the troops —by which term Mary Margaret meant David, Regina, and Robin— had been marshalled early, and at ten minutes before the anticipated arrivals she and Regina had their heads together at a small corner table leaving David and Robin to drink alone. 

“So I’m told Phase One was a huge success,” said Robin. 

“Hmmm.”

“You don’t agree? Regina said that Mary Margaret was ecstatic.” 

David chose his words carefully. “It pains me to say this, and if she ever found out it might actually pain me, but I think Mary Margaret may be wrong.” 

“About what?” 

“I think,” David leaned in closely to be sure they weren’t overheard, even though the women were deep in conversation and paying no attention to them at all, “I think Emma and Killian are already together.” 

“What?”

“Look at the facts,” said David, and proceeded to tell his friend everything he’d observed at the dinner plus all the evidence he’d spent the past week carefully collecting. He had, he flattered himself, built a case that was meticulous and thorough. David was a good detective after all, even if his beloved did sometimes imply that he needed to be more observant in his personal life. Once he’d identified a mystery and applied his skills to it he usually solved it. This one hadn’t even been that difficult to crack. Once you actually looked at the signs, it was so obvious, like they were barely even trying to be subtle. David wondered if he should be insulted that they’d put so little effort into deceiving him.

“Do you realise,” he said to Robin, “that we haven’t seen Emma and Killian together in the same room for at least six months? Every other weekend one of them has an excuse for why they can’t come out with us, while the one who does come out only stays for a few drinks then pleads some commitment or other and makes an early exit.”

“Huh,” said Robin. “Now that you mention it, yeah, I can’t remember the last time I saw them together. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re together, er... together.” 

“Not by itself, no, but combined with how they acted at dinner it’s a pretty compelling case. But we need to keep a close eye on them tonight, see if we can find the smoking gun. You in?”  

“To find evidence that two of my friends are secret lovers and thereby foil the matchmaking scheme masterminded in part by my girlfriend? Hell yes I’m in.” 

Just then Emma arrived, a fashionable three minutes late. When she was followed precisely two minutes later by Killian, whose hair looked mussed and his cheeks pink, like he’d been, just as a for-instance, standing outside a pub on a brisk, breezy April evening for precisely two minutes before following his secret girlfriend inside, David’s lips curled into a grin previously only observed by those he’d interrogated and he subtly fist-bumped Robin. 

Gotcha, he thought. You two are so busted. 

“Emma,” Mary Margaret was saying, her face the picture of innocence as she steered her friend towards a dark-haired man sitting in a nearby booth and Regina distracted Killian. “You remember David’s old college roommate August.” 

“Um, sure,” said Emma, shaking August’s hand.

“August’s just got back from Japan,” said Mary Margaret. “Emma, you’ve always wanted to go to Japan, haven’t you?”

“Uh, yeah, I have,” said Emma on a note of surprise as her eyes flitted over to Killian. David was also surprised by this angle of attack. Didn’t Mary Margaret remember…

“Why don’t you tell Emma all about your trip?” Mary Margaret pushed Emma at the booth where August was sitting. “None of us has ever been to Japan, and—” 

“I have, actually.” 

They all turned to look at Killian, who had extracted himself from Regina and returned to the group. 

“Er, what?” Mary Margaret forced a smile. 

“I’ve been to Japan. Don’t you remember, Mary Margaret, I taught English there for a year after I finished university? I’m sure I must have told you.”

“Um, no, I don’t remember you ever saying—” Mary Margaret shot Regina a look of alarm, but her stepsister only shrugged. 

“Oh, aye, I loved it there,” said Killian cheerfully, subtly manoeuvring himself through the crowd and rearranging everyone so that when they slid into the booth Emma was across from August and he was next to her. “Some of the best food I’ve ever eaten and a fascinating culture, don’t you agree, er, August, was it? Curious name.” He barely allowed August a moment to answer before launching into a discussion ranging from the comparative merits of okonomiyaki from Osaka versus the Hiroshima version to whether it was preferable to visit Kyoto in the spring to see the cherry blossoms or the autumn to see the maple leaves, commandeering the other man’s attention completely and leaving the rest of the group gaping at them with various expressions of consternation, dismay, indignation, and amusement on their faces. 

“Of course, I was there for just over a year so I was able to do both,” he said, “but what do you think, Julian?”

“It’s August—”

“Oh, yes, of course it is, I always did get my Roman emperors mixed up.” 

“— and I was there in the summer.” 

“Strangely appropriate for a man named after a summer month,” remarked Killian with a look of such contrived innocence that David couldn’t believe Mary Margaret and Regina didn’t see what he was up to. “Well, if you ever get back…”  

“What the hell does he think he’s doing?” Regina hissed in Mary Margaret’s ear, just loudly enough for David to hear. 

He wanted to reply that it looked to him very much as though Killian were saving Emma from having to spend an evening feigning interest in August’s tedious travel stories —he remembered all too well the pain he himself had suffered after August spent spring break in Thailand that one year, if only he’d had a Killian of his own to rescue him back then— and enjoying the hell out of himself in the process. As for Emma, she had the Christmas present look on her face again. 

Realisation dawned. (That had been happening a lot lately.) Just then Robin returned with a round of drinks and when he’d finished handing them out to everyone David grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. “They’re playing us,” he said, half indignant, half impressed. ‘They know what’s going on and they’re freaking playing us.” 

“I think you’re right,” Robin replied. “They’re holding hands under the table.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, I saw when I gave them their drinks just now.”

“God, it’s like they’re trying to get caught.” 

“Or they just have no chill.” 

“Or they think we’re too dumb to notice.” 

“Well, they might not be far wrong there,” said Robin, just as their respective partners came over to join them. Mary Margaret’s mouth was moving, but no words were coming out and Regina looked pissed. “How did this happen?” she asked as they approached. 

“How did you two not know that Killian lived in Japan?” retorted David “He’s got Japanese art all over his house—” 

“I thought he just liked that aesthetic—” began Mary Margaret.

“—and one of his novels was partly set there!”  

“Naturally I assumed he simply researched that book on the internet!” scoffed Regina. 

David stared at them. “His first professional writing job was a series of travel articles about Okinawa!”  

“Well I didn’t know that, did I?” cried Mary Margaret. “I never thought he’d actually been there, I just thought—” 

“Oh, I see,” said David, understanding in yet another bright flash. “You thought he’d be jealous because August’s been where he wanted to go and would enthral Emma with stories about it, was that the plan?” 

“Something like that.” 

“Well, it’s backfired but good now, hasn’t it?” 

“No,” said Mary Margaret. “Not yet. I have one more ace up my sleeve.” 

She marched back over to the booth. “Killian,” she said sweetly, interrupting what seemed to be a rapidly heating argument over whether fugu was overpriced claptrap or a valid cultural experience that justified the price, “I was just wondering, did you call Belle yet?”

“Aye, a few days ago.” 

Mary Margaret’s eyes lit with triumph. “And?”

“And I introduced her to my friend’s cousin Will, you remember he’s here visiting for a month or two. I thought they might hit it off.”

Mary Margaret’s face fell like a deflated soufflé.

“Did they?” asked David, twisting the metaphorical knife in his dear one’s gut even though he knew he probably shouldn’t. 

“Very much so. They’re out together right now, if I’m not mistaken,” said Killian. 

Mary Margaret pulled herself together, smiled the right smile and spoke the right platitude, but when she pulled David, Regina, and Robin back into their huddle she was glowering darkly, the light of battle glinting in her eyes. 

“We’ll get them in Phase Three,” she said. 

[mevekagvain]

Nobles and how they work (2/?)

3. The Kertia

-Although they're extremely loyal to the lord, as individuals they have one certain person they will put above all others. Whether this be the lord, a family member, the noblesse, etc.

-Commonly they are either blonde or brunette and tall. Rael uh... got unlucky in the height factor. Also the most attractive clan in general though they tie with the ??? clan.

-Very strong sixth sense. So strong that some can even make accurate predictions about things, also the future. Most noble seers are Kertia (aka they have something to fall back on if they aren't needed as assassins anymore lol).

-Are not exactly the best morally. This is partly due to being nobles and partly due to them just being Kertia. Examples include them letting their babies cry for ages to make them more 'independent' (we call that abuse...), letting little kids play with sharp objects (...yea i know y'all assassins but still), and more. Not only things like that though, they will place the person they are loyal to above all else and prioritise them to the point they may hurt (emotionally, physically, whatever) their own lover, sibling, etc. Plus other stuff that I won't mention.

-Despite being such dedicated and amazing nobles, they're all dumb as shit. No seriously if nobles in general are gullible than the Kertia are the worst off even though they have their sixth sense. They're just stupid in general though, like repeating the thing that made you fail isn't exactly going to help... please stop walking into the exact same wall 300 times in one week.

-Also the most emotionally constipated clan... They are very bad at displaying their emotions and so we have travesties like the relationship between Rajak and Rael.

-Clan distribution is more in favour of men (about 70-80%) though the women are monsters. Moreso than the men.

4. The Landegre

-They don't have much of a general height. It's all over the place. Most of them have that distinct white hair with black streaks or other monochrome patterned streaks. There are also those who just have plain black or white hair (or other colours though this is rarer). They do not tend to look like porcelain dolls though (Regis is just cute haha), if they do it's probably not from the Landegre side originally.

-As knights it's pretty common to see a lot of the Landegre wearing clothes that look like armour. Whether it be light (just padding, leather, some chainmail) or full on metallic.

-Very stubborn as shown in canon. This applies regardless of their personality type. Whether they're the calm and collected type, an absolute asshole, a two-sided snake, gentle, etc.

-The most rational and normal ones when it comes down to it. This also means that they very often have high positions of power.

-They get along with pretty much everyone. There isn't any clan that they generally aren't close to.

-Like the Mergas a large part of the clan is in the Central Knights.

-Clan has an an equal distribution of the sexes.

5. The Elenors

-MAGIC. Okay so their magic (and that of humans and werewolves) works like this. They have it flowing in their blood vessels but they have a specific organ that creates it (so humans and werewolves who can do magic have that organ unlike most of their species). The rate at which this is created is affected by matter that is taken in, state of the noble (exhaustion, emotional, etc), and just their metabolism in general as well as other stuff. So they don't need to chant anything though they can to focus better. The actual learning process is to make them aware of the magic inside them, and learn how to manipulate it so they can bring it out of them. Once it's outside they need to learn how to manipulate it further which is extremely complicated. There are many branches of magic and each Elenor specialises in whatever they want. Making potions is also considered a branch of magic and not just something that can be done by any Elenor. Most Elenors will specialise in two or three branches but those who live longer will have more.

-Most common hair colours are blacks and browns with the occasional green. No reds (if they do it's originally from another clan). Once again no general height but they tend to be in the extremes. Either really tall or really short.

-Very easily influenced by the company they have. As such it's common in the clan to only be close with certain clans or people because they don't want to be influenced negatively. This influence refers to their personality and views mostly. Habits not really.

-They tend to have amazing singing voices, like sirens. Nobles generally can become good singers since they have so much time to practice, but they're naturals and their singing has an almost ethereal quality. Most don't sing often though so they aren't as great as nobles who do regardless of clan.

-Not interested in children as much as other clans. Romantic interest is still pretty common amongst them but can be extremely short lived.

-They all are very deep into their research and their own things. Not necessarily magic; it can be hobbies, science, etc. A lot of them do adore science though. Makes it easier for them to understand magic and vice versa.

-Their clan distribution favours women heavily. About 70% are women.

6. The Drosia

-Blondes. Even Drosia with parents from different clans will almost always be blonde.

-They all have sword fetishes and honestly. Relatable.

-Their unique clan abilities centre around aura, mind control, and telepathy. They have wide area abilities that can affect the emotions of others.

-Their clan serves the Noblesse (even if only the clan leader and heir is aware they are the Noblesse).

-If the Mergas are the most common to be seen as lovers with the lords than the Drosia are the second (all because of Ragnarok babe. all because of Ragnarok). They aren't particularly close with the lord and their lineage though.

-Unlike other type 1 nobles they aren't as solitary and like to be with someone else at all times. Preferably someone they're close to, are loyal to, etc. They will settle with anyone though if there's no alternative, even people they hate immensely.

-Another clan heavily involved with the Central Knights.

-Also a large creative interest here. Inventing and experimenting is a big thing with them, ranging from scientists, blacksmiths, artists, etc. It's usually weapon, or just plain offense and defense, related.

-One of the two clan that love to fight. They can hide it very well though so it's not commonly known.

-They enjoy protecting those weaker than them and sparring those of equal strength or stronger. They also train other nobles a lot.

-It's not easy to make them dislike you so if you do... you my dear have fucked up.

-Equal distribution of both sexes.

7. The Blersters

-Don't have any defining physical features.

-Obviously pretty romantic in general. How so depends on the individual. Krasis might have been stiff but handwritten letters are a thing (and would have me seduced in two seconds flat). They're very creative in the ways they romance people.

-Have a high level of 'sexual attraction' for type 1s.

-Their clan tends to grow out their hair for some reason or another that's been lost to the channels of time (it's recorded somewhere in their library...).

-The nobles in the clan can be divided into two categories. Those who genuinely want to fall in love, and those who just idolise the notion.

-Extremely loyal to their romantic partners and hearing of this clan falling short here is not a thing.

-Also extremely cold, upset, or angry if their romantic partner falls short though. Which, considering their extremely low standards on the actual lover, is very hard and if one does fail then they are truly at fault.

-Can manipulate the weather.

-Most are trained in archery along with another weapon. Many do carry around both these weapons, the bow and quiver in plain sight (...I'd be impressed if they could hide it), and the other weapon concealed. As such this isn't a fact known by other nobles.

-Pretty volatile for type 1 nobles and their first reaction to a lot of things is to shoot at you.

-Clan has more women then men but not by much.

8. The ???

-The clanswomen themselves don't know their clan name as they do not have one. They're commonly known as the clan of ancients or the unnamed clan.

-The heights for this clan spans from extremely short to average. It's rare for them to be tall. As for their hair, it's usually white (though it can be any other colour) with coloured streaks. The number of coloured streaks can vary (from just one to countless), and so can the number of colours for these streaks. These colours also span on unnatural ones such as blue, purple, etc despite the hair being all natural. 

-The clan that has inspired the most mythology around the entire world. The Egyptian sun god Ra, the Roman goddess of the moon Diana, and countless more were all inspired from them. There are exceptions such as Eros and Aphrodite being from the Blerster clan, Ares being human, etc.

-Although the clan is able to release limiters on their body to fight better for a period of time, this is not the same as Berserker mode. That is unique to the clan leader line and has two sections. The canonical one and a version which only the current main line has due to a mutation introduced via a human ancestor. The latter version has them lose control completely be it of their body or mind and they are unaware of everything as their body wreaks havoc. This is not willing but occurs randomly though it's more likely to occur when they are under heavy emotion turmoil.

-Their blood acts as a hallucinogen when consumed, and not in a good way. The person who drinks their blood will think they are in a violent situation and their brain will force them to be aggressive in return.

-Like the Drosia they all enjoy fighting, but they're much more open about it and won't hold back. As such they're more of a special fighting force than just regular Central Knights.

-More likely to be attracted to opponents that put up a good fight or are stronger than them.

-Very rare for them to have children and the only reason their population doesn't decrease is that it's extremely rare for anyone other than the clan leader to enter eternal sleep.

-Like the Kertia they are extremely attractive.

-The clan is made up of 70-80% women.

9. The Noblesse

-Loved most by the world amongst the nobles. As such the world will often do things to or for them. Raizel gets lost because the world messes with his sense of direction so it can see him more.

-Height is average and they always have that iconic black hair. There is no other variation in the hair colour. Same shade always. This is because their pitch black void shade hair is due to the world's love for them and the weight of their power. Similarly unlike with other nobles, their eyes are red because their iris is clear and reveals their blood. This means the first humanoid noblesse had red eyes.

-The first noblesse was the younger of the first lord's two children. They saw the pain of their parent who had such a heavy burden and offered to take on part of it, splitting the duties of the lord into that of the lord and the noblesse. Furthermore:

When the Noblesse first came to be, the lord asked the few existing nobles if any would serve them. None came forward except the Kertia who asked for the choice for their people to be able to choose between the lord and Noblesse. The lord was satisfied but feeling pity, the Drosia came forward and said they would serve the Noblesse since the lord had all the other clans.

-The use of their powers causes an unimaginable pain greater than any other as the use of lifespan rearranges their very soul. This pain is a disincentive from abuse of power. Most noblesse never use their powers unless necessary and thus live like humans. They're also not efficient at using their powers as they cannot practice with them beforehand.

-Each noblesse has a unique appearance of their blood wings.

-The only mortal nobles since using lifespan as power means they only have a limited one. Noblesse who approach the end of their lifespan via using their powers will be in great suffering compared to those who reach it naturally.

-Noblesse can heal physically in three ways. The first is in a shared sanctuary. There are many shared sanctuaries all over the world which are hidden from others with the main one being under the noblesse estate. These sanctuaries can only be entered by the noblesse unless it's a full moon at which point anyone can enter, though they must leave before dawn or else they'll be trapped until the next full moon. Simply staying in these sanctuaries is healing but it is the slowest of the methods, though it is also the one where the noblesse can still communicate with others. The second method is via a personal sanctuary like with Raizel's coffin. A personal sanctuary is unique to each noblesse and though summoned by them, is materialised by the world so they aren't using their own powers. The healing is faster than that of the first method but they are unaware of the world even if they can still be woken up. Personal sanctuaries are immortalised by the world when the noblesse dies. The third and last method is by entering stasis in a shared sanctuary. This has the sanctuary rebuild the body of the noblesse from scratch so it is only done when absolutely necessary as no matter the damage, it always takes around the same amount of time (very long, centuries), and the noblesse is unavailable until then. Methods 2 and 3 do not use up any lifespan. The sanctuaries also numb and sooth the pain a Noblesse is in so those at the end of their lives will often remain in there.

-Their lifespan can be restored in one way. By absorbing bloodstones. Bloodstones are the culmination of the worlds negativity in a hollow far from life and being. They drive all with full lifeforce insane which is why only noblesse who have used a lot up in any way that isn't naturally living will not be affected by them. The process of absorbing them is extremely painful as once again, they are rearranging their soul. Furthermore, only the lifespan used up via powers can be restored. If it was lived out naturally it can't.

-Unlike the lord's lineage there is no real 'lineage' here. Although they can be born through reproduction, it is not necessary because when the noblesse dies and there is no heir a child will be born in the main sanctuary. This child is not the previous noblesse and are two completely different people.

-If in the rare case there are multiple noblesse children, often only one lives. This is because the power of one noblesse is divided between them and it is difficult for them to carry out their duties when needed. As such they must die and pass their powers to the one living noblesse.

-Only the children of the eldest noblesse will also become noblesse. The children of the younger ones will be born as those of the lord's lineage. If the eldest dies without children, the second eldest can now have noblesse children though any they already have will remain of the lord's lineage.

-Only one generation of noblesse can exist at a time. If the noblesse has a child, that child will not have any powers and merely be a normal noble until the noblesse dies. Only then will that child become the noblesse.

-They consider the lord's lineage as family and this sentiment is returned.

-Phoenixes love them

-Can be male or female.

Type 2 Nobles

-Used to be a different (supernatural and sapient) species in the past. This means they all have different cultures, morals, viewpoints, etc. They are all also more social than type 1 nobles even if some not by much.

-Were made into nobles by a lord because they were near extinction or would have become extinct sooner or later. This was a personal choice by the lord based on their own feelings so there are plenty of species that may have been worthy of becoming nobles who didn't because the lord of the time didn't care or thought that the natural plight of other species should be left alone.

-They consider themselves both nobles and their original species.

-Have accents. If the accents are heavy they learn how to speak without them and can even speak like type 1 nobles who don't have an accent (nobles may be able to understand any language as long as people who know it are around but I don't think accents are under the same treatment). They still speak with the accents when with their own clan members though.

-Are thankful to the lord and their lineage but not necessarily 100% loyal to them.

-Have learnt to act more like type 1 nobles so that they aren't ostracized by them because they 'aren't what a noble should be'.

-Don't really understand the whole elegance shtick except for some individuals. Same goes for other things common to type 1 nobles.

-Get extremely insulted by some type 1 nobles compliments due to culture, upbringing, etc. Also because type 1 nobles do NOT seem to understand emotions and what sounds nice.

-In the event that nobles reproduce sexually, their genitals are based off of their previous species.

1. The Loyards

-Used to be a ghost-like species that fed on corpses and souls. Furthermore they had translucent flesh that allowed one to see their skeleton. This is why they are now associated with the grim reaper. Don't really fit into any of the classes but they are vertebrates. They also reproduced asexually originally and first existed around 4.2 billion years ago. So they were nearing extinction (around 3.8 billion years ago) when organisms that did aerobic respiration started to appear as they did anaerobic respiration and could not adapt fast enough. Due to this the lord of the nobles at the time offered to make them nobles.

-They look very delicate regardless of their figure, as if their skin is made of glass or porcelain. The fact that their skin actually does emit a very soft glow (which only shows when their skin is at their normal body temperature) makes them even more beautiful. The clan has white and silver hair but grey, black, and brown are also common. No general height. Have a low body temperature of 25°C. They can make the outermost layer of their skin warmer however to about 35°C. If they reproduce sexually they have human genitalia due to not having any in their previous species.

-Have a child mortality rate as their bodies cannot regulate temperature properly until about 50 so they can't be in warm temperatures until then.

-Have the ability to take energy from living organisms. This is done to replenish their own missing energy and if they are 'full' the energy will simply be wasted.

-Have ice abilities.

-Their blood is extremely cold and is necessary for necromancy (specifically to bring someone back to life in pristine condition).

-Very effective communicators and would make for good ambassadors and other roles requiring this.

-Clan members seem to either give of a creepy vibe (like horror movies) or a warm and welcoming one regardless of their appearance. Seira and her father are the latter while her brother Lusar is the former.

-Have a light accent that makes their speech slightly slower than average. They also tend to pronounce soft letters as hard ones but most train themselves out of it (though they may still slip up). For example 'arch' would be pronounced as 'arkh'.

-Equal amount of males and females.

2. The Tradio

- A group of fae who somehow managed to piss off both the Seelie and UnSeelie Courts. Fleeing persecution, they begged the noble lord for refuge and were made into nobles about 35 million years ago. As such they are the most recent clan of nobles.

-There is no fixed appearance. Literally anything goes here, even non-humanoid appendages. Hair colour? Anything. Hair type? Why not add on some leaves or worms? Be creative. Most of the Tradio also have markings all over their bodies (including face and head) but they cover them up out of shame or just to blend in better. These markings can be of any colour, may glow, be different in different lights, only appear under certain conditions, etc. If they reproduce sexually genitals are also diverse, being different for every individual. Just do whatever you want for them. Their body temperatures also vary all over the place.

-Have glamour, AKA that magic which can make them look human.

-Have magic but not like the Elenors. This is more like very slight stuff that happens naturally. Also have a high affinity for flora and fauna though it leans more one way or the other. Claudia is better with animals but Lagus was a plant person. The magic also applies to their plants and animals, plus medicinal remedies.

-Their blood, when consumed, acts like a truth serum. It also causes the noble, who said blood comes from, to gain control over the person that drank their blood for a period of time.

-Have a strange aura that makes them come of as strange, unnatural, and just plain wrong. They can suppress this aura as they grow older but never completely which is part of why they aren't too trusted by type 1 nobles.

-Good with words/word games (can and will fuck with your head) and never lie. They merely twist the truth.

-Don't have an accent. Rather they probably have some language of their own

-More commonly found as scientists or the sources of medicine that is known to work than in the Central Knights. They grow and make the medicine themselves, both herbal remedies and chemical ones.

-Distribution of the two sexes is equal.

3. The Ru

-A supernatural species that was created by another sapient species a billion years ago. The original Ru species was a winged tiger with white, silver, and grey fur. Their purpose was to guide lost souls of their creator species to Eden. Once their creators went extinct, their purpose was over and they had little more to do. As such, around 800 million years ago they were made nobles which gave them a renewed purpose. Are they birds? Mammals? Who really knows?

-Have either white, grey, or silver hair. They do get affected by other clans easily though so other hair colours are common as well, this applies to other features too. All of them are pretty muscular, though the type can differ. They tend to be pretty tall but there are some of average height. Body temperature is about 37.5°C. Their genitalia is like that of tigers.

-Enjoy fighting, and have an affinity for nature, though not as strong as that of the Tradio, and for the earth. There is also an affinity for electricity. Even the weakest Ru tends to be stronger than the average member of other clans.

-Martial arts of all types are pretty common so there are also quite a few variety of weapons among them. They are also willing to train anywhere so it's wise to tell them if you're okay with it or not, lest they destroy something.

-They're often in the specialised forces like the ???.

-Eyes glow in the dark, they also glow in photos (because cats).

-They are a bit more solitary than other type 2 nobles though they will seek out company when they want it.

-Have a pretty strong/thick accent which they train themselves not to use when around type 1 nobles. It's pretty rough but still the average talking speed. They also tend to roll and exaggerate the r's a lot.

-Ratio of males and females is equal.

[preserving-ferretbrain]

Not-So-Very Lovely

by Viorica

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Alternate title: "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Rape House"~

I can't figure out what happened to Stratford this year. Last year's season was brilliant, with at least eight shows that I'd happily see over and over again. This season, not only has the quality of the productions dropped drastically, they seem to have given up on having any kind of coherent theme running through their program. Last year's playbill- which included

Fuente Ovejuna

,

The Trojan Women

,

The Taming of the Shrew

, and

Shakespeare's Universe: Her Infinite Variety

- was full of plays that examined the role of women throughout history. This year, not only do they not have any theme, someone appears to have thought that a good follow-up to shows like

Fuente

, and

Trojan Women

was a show that derives its humour from the sexual enslavement of women. Hilarity!

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum

is one of Sondheim's lesser-known musicals, and for good reason- the majority of the songs are rather bland and forgettable. The show's main "appeal"- if you can call it that- comes from the jokes. The story revolves around Pseudolus, a slave living in Ancient Rome, who wants nothing more than to gain his freedom. Pseudolus belongs to Hero, a dopey young man who still lives under the thumb of his overbearing mother. One day, his parents leave for a visit to the country, and Hero confesses to Pseudolus that he's fallen in love with a girl who lives in the neighbouring brothel. That is, it's referred to as a brothel- since the show repeatedly establishes that the women within are the spoils of war, who are bought and sold with no say whatsoever in the matter, it's actually more accurate to call it a rape house. Hero promises Pseudolus his freedom if the woman can be freed and united with Hero, and hijinks ensue, culminating in a revelation from Hero's long-lost neighbour, Erronius.

You can probably spot the musical's first problem just from the paragraph above- the entire plot revolves around

a fucking rape house

. Not only that, but nowhere in the text is it ever suggested that the existence of this place is in any way wrong. On the contrary, the fourth musical number takes place in said house, whilst the women therein are paraded in front of Pseudolus and Hero, and Pseudolus barely restrains himself from groping them. Each of them women fits into a different stereotype- the Cleopatra-wigged Egyptian twins, the dominatrix, and even a goddamn African warrior princess, complete with a leopard-print bikini, spear, and war whoops. Sexism: now with bonus racefail!

But, you might think, it can't be all bad. So the courtesans are one-dimensional sex objects- what about Hero's love interest? Surely she has a vested interest in freeing herself, and is canny enough to see Hero as a way out of her situation?

You might think that, but you'd be wrong. Philia (as she turns out to be named) is in fact a total ditz, the dumbest of dumb blondes. Her big musical number, "I'm Lovely", is all about her complete uselessness at doing anything besides being ornamental:

I'm lovely, All I am is lovely. Lovely is the one thing I can do. Winsome, What I am is winsome, Radiant as in some Dream come true. Oh, isn't it a shame? I can neither sew Nor cook nor read or write my name. But I'm happy Merely being lovely, For it's one thing I can give to you.

Now compare it to Pseudolous's first big song, "Free":

When I'm free to be whatever I want to be, Think what wonders I'll accomplish then! When the master that I serve is me and just me-- Can you see me being equal with my countrymen? Can you see me being Pseudolus the citizen?

Not only is she useless at pretty much everything, she has no willpower. Although she falls in love at first sight with Hero, that doesn't stop her from flinging herself upon anyone who she thinks has a claim to her. You see, Philia has been sold to Miles Gloriosus, and shows no emotion whatsoever about it. If someone tells her that he owns her, she'll automatically flop to the ground and spread her legs apart, adding even more of a disturbing submissive subtext to the whole thing. Of course, she ends up trotting off into the sunset with Hero, but I doubt she'd have shown any kind of resistance if she'd ended up being carted off by Miles.

Everything resolves itself eventually- Philia is freed, as are the rest of the courtesans (though as their pimp gleefully informs the audience, "I'll just get more!") Pseudolus is freed

and

gets the dominatrix courtesan into the bargain, Hero's parents (who consist of a long-suffering father and a shrewish, domineering mother- gotta squeeze more negative female stereotypes in there!) bless their son's marriage, Miles Gloriosus gets the Egyptian twins, and Erronius is reunited with his long-lost children, allowing the show to squeeze in one last rape joke:

Erronius: My virgin daughter!

Hysterium (a slave disguised as Philia): I'm not a virgin!

Erronius: Those filthy pirates!

Ha ha! Gang rape is hilarious!

I suppose it's pointless to indict a musical written in 1962 for lack of political correctness, but that's no reason not to blame the people who keep it alive by routinely staging it. Apparently, it's very popular as a school production. Want to trivialise women who are raped and sold into sexual slavery?

Funny Thing

! Because

The Boys From Syracuse

just didn't have enough rape jokes.Themes:

Theatre

,

Minority Warrior

~

bookmark this with - facebook - delicious - digg - stumbleupon - reddit

~Comments (

go to latest

)

http://francoisdillinger.blogspot.com/

at 05:46 on 2009-07-26Not much to add. But here's a

here's a link

to some fail at Comic Con.

permalink

-

go to top

Rami

at 07:00 on 2009-07-26That doesn't sound particularly savory, I'll give you that -- and you would have thought that by the latter half of the 20th century they would have known better.

I've not seen it, and I know very little of Sondheim in general -- I've seen a couple of productions of Into the Woods and that's about it. Is there any kind of way in which the play could be seen as ironic?

permalink

-

go to top

Nathalie H

at 15:00 on 2009-07-26I would say that the song

Lovely

is definitely supposed to be quite ironic. However, that doesn't necessarily vindicate it, and from what I remember of seeing this show (albeit a few years ago) I'd say that the Power of Irony ® does not save this show from its general sexism fail.

(Disclaimer: not seen this for a few years. Didn't notice most of this stuff when I did, and am slightly ashamed of that. Therefore, comments I make are mostly based on knowledge of the song 'Lovely' rather than much I remember about the show of a whole. However, I do agree that the score's not that great.)

permalink

-

go to top

Viorica

at 16:37 on 2009-07-26

Is there any kind of way in which the play could be seen as ironic?

According to Wikipedia, some directors have chosen to cast Pseudolus as female, which *could* be seen as ironic- one female slave attains freedom through the enslavement of other women. However, it's mostly up to the direction, not the text itself, which doesn't have any nudge-wink "We're really deconstructing all this sexism!" moments. So it's up to each individual production to draw attention to it. The one I saw didn't, though when I raised the issue afterwards, several of my (female) group members said that they'd felt the same way.

permalink

-

go to top

Jamie Johnston

at 19:40 on 2009-07-26Ladies and gentlemen, a Defence of Sondheim on Three Fronts. These will be Point Out The Parody, Concede The Worst Parts, and Shift The Blame.

Yes, this is not the jewel in Sondheim's crown. It comes very early in his career, only slightly after

West Side Story

I think, and, more importantly, it isn't really a full-blooded Sondheim musical. It's a play by Burt Shevelove and Larry Gelbart with songs by Stephen Sondheim. The original idea was Shevelove's, and though Sondheim was involved from an early stage he always felt that his work on the show didn't really fit what the other two writers were doing. When he asked his friend James Goldman about it, Goldman said, "The book [for those who aren't musical buffs, this is the term for spoken dialogue, and sometimes also the general plot, in a musical] is written on a kind of law-comedy vaudeville level with elegant language, and you have written a witty score, a salon score". Sondheim found it was too late to really address the problem, but he later used to advise people, "Make sure you and your collaborators are writing the same show". (I'm getting this from pp.151-152 of

Meryle Secrest's biography of Sondheim

, by the way.) So to some extent one needs to look at the score (including lyrics) separately from the book, because the same criticisms may not apply equally to both. Having said that, he did collaborate on a show which is undeniably pretty much Carry On Up The Tiber (even if it does have what I maintain is a more than averagely sophisticated score), so clearly a certain amount of fail there. But before I entirely leave the blame-shifting part of the defence, let me observe that really the only criticism that's made above for which Sondheim himself is responsible is the song

Lovely

, which I suggest doesn't deserve the criticism.

As Nathalie's already said,

Lovely

is definitely and quite transparently ironic. It's principally Sondheim taking the mickey out of himself, specifically out of the lyric he'd written a few years earlier for the

West Side Story

number

I Feel Pretty

. The song is, as Viorica says, "all about her complete uselessness at doing anything besides being ornamental". Philia is a spoof of the standard one-dimensional love-interest. What Sondheim didn't like about

I Feel Pretty

was that it was the female lead singing un-ironically about how she derives her entire feeling of self-worth from the fact that a boy likes her and this makes her feel attractive. Which is what

Lovely

is sending up. And, to be fair to Shevelove and Gelbart, I think Philia is written fairly consistently throughout the whole show as being utterly useless is every respect, and her admirer Hero is similarly written as a rather feeble adolescent who is fixated on her for no better reason than that she's pretty. Remember that he's played in the film by Michael Crawford, and this was before

Phantom Of The Opera

, opposite Annette Andre who had mostly played dumb blondes in TV series like

The Avengers

and

The Prisoner

. You don't cast it that way if you want the audience to see the leading romantic couple as anything other than complete nit-wits. The point is rather missed by comparing Philia's big number to Pseudolus'. Pseudolus is the main character and drives most of the plot. Philia is a comic device whose purpose is to be completely passive and uninteresting. A much fairer comparison is to Hero, whose

own solo song

is an equally feeble and empty-headed genre-self-parody.

... Forum

as a whole is an uncomfortable combination of homage and piss-take, with Sondheim being almost exclusively on the piss-take side but the other writers hedging their bets. The plot and the characters are cut and pasted together from Plautus, and some of the humour comes from caricaturing the already exaggerated comic tropes of Roman comedy (which was still worth doing in 1962 when a reasonable number of people had studied Plautus in school). That's one of the main reasons why Pseudolus is the only really interesting character: in Roman comedy the slaves are the only remotely multi-dimensional characters. Now in a sense

... Forum

is a step backward from Plautus because Plautus actually has some reasonably well-developed female slave characters; but that, I suspect, is because the other thing the show is trying to parody is the post-vaudeville tradition that in the UK produced things like the

Carry On

franchise, which went mainly for the one-dimensional female leads that

... Forum

parodies (and which is also where the ghastly parade of racially-stereotyped sex-slaves comes from, because although there is national stereotyping in Roman comedy it has quite a different character). The show is a commentary on one ancient comedy tradition and one contemporary one. It isn't a very successful commentary, largely because its non-musical writers spend at least as much time simply indulging in the bad habits of both traditions as they spend making fun of them. But you can't really look at it outside the context of Roman comedy and 1950s low farce because it makes no sense without that background.

And that's why Viorica is entirely right to suggest that it probably shouldn't be staged any more, except for audiences who have some familiarity with Plautus and with '50s comedy. It doesn't make sense any more in the same way that

Avenue Q

won't make sense in 40 years' time. But that's also why I don't think it's right to accuse it in quite the way this article does. In particular I think the criticism that

... Forum

doesn't "suggest[..] that the existence of [Marcus Lycus' establishment] is in any way wrong" falls a little flat. (I replace "rape house" with "Marcus Lycus' establishment" in that quotation not because I want to suggest the establishment isn't an abominable thing but because "rape house" is too tendentious, "brothel" is, as Viorica observes, too benign, and "place where men pay a pimp to have sex with slaves who clearly never consented to their involvement in the enterprise as a whole and are clearly not getting paid but who apparently do expect to and are expected by others to consent to specific acts of intercourse" is too long.) What, one has to ask, is the alternative? Point out that slavery is wrong? I would be more worried, frankly, if anybody had felt in 1962 that that might not be taken for granted by everyone in the audience. Replace the sex-slaves with free women freely choosing to have sex for money? That would be a flagrant anachronism, would entirely destroy the plot, and would in any case only make it 'okay' provided one took the view that entirely unexploitative prostitution is possible and acceptable, which is far from universally accepted. Have no such establishment in the story at all? Sex-slavery is so central to Roman comedy that its removal would make it completely pointless to do a musical based on Plautus in the first place. I guess you could say that in that case they just shouldn't have done a musical based on Plautus. That's a respectably coherent view, I suppose, but a little puritanical for my tastes. As it is, they do almost as well as anyone could do without abandoning the whole project: the pimp is clearly not meant to be a sympathetic character; the only character who seriously proposes to exploit any of the women in question is Miles Goriosus, who is as close to a villain as the play has; and the sex-slaves are indeed all freed at the end. To object that the pimp will only buy some more is effectively criticisizing the show for omitting to abolish the whole system of slavery as part of the ending, which is a bit like criticizing

Rent

for daring to have a happy ending without having one of the characters discover a cure for HIV.

... Forum

has problems, and probably shouldn't be done any more - certainly not in schools - but one has to look at it as a parody, albeit one that intermittently falls off the wagon when Sondheim isn't writing it.

permalink

-

go to top

Viorica

at 21:02 on 2009-07-26

Philia is a comic device whose purpose is to be completely passive and uninteresting

So . . . she goes from being a one-dimensional female character because the creators didn't bother to flesh her out to a one-dimensional female character who is such because the plot demands it? That's not much better.

the only character who seriously proposes to exploit any of the women in question is Miles Goriosus

Not quite. During "The House of Marcus Lycus", Pseudolous drools over each of the women as they are paraded in front of him, and only turns them down (with visible disappointment) when Hero points out that they aren't who he's looking for. Even in the most throwaway jokes, like Hysterium's "Isn't it amazing?" in the clip you linked to, it's being played for laughs, and given the actual nature of what

does

go on there, it sits very uncomfortably with me.

I never noticed the parallels between "I Feel Pretty" and "Lovely", but then I never read the former as Maria deriving her self-worth from her relationship with Tony. Rather, it seemed to be capturing the first-relationship giddiness that the character is experiencing at the time. It could have been done without the theme of "I find myself attractive because a boy likes me.", it seems, if not better, than certainly more relatable than "Lovely"

Philia's status as a parody of dumbass love interests is questionable, simply because unless you're actively looking at it that way, it isn't really obvious. Which goes back to what you said about it being a parody of vaudeville- if you aren't familiar with what the original writers were going for, it just reads as an extended dumb blonde joke. Hero is similarily stupid, but it just doesn't carry the same connotations.

To object that the pimp will only buy some more . . .

My objection isn't so much that Lycus intends to buy new girls, it's that the lines is thrown in as part of the Big Happy Finale. "I'm free!" "I have Philia!" "I've found my children!" "I'm gonna buy some more slave chicks!" It's rather jarring to see it presented as something we should be happy about.

probably shouldn't be done any more - certainly not in schools

Unfortunately, what sparked this article was the annuncement that my local youth theatre is putting it on next year. :/

permalink

-

go to top

Wardog

at 16:36 on 2009-07-27I'm a bit embarrassed ... I actually saw the film of this with Michael Hordon and, uh, I wasn't offended in the slighest. I didn't think it was a great musical, to be honest, in that there was Jamie mentions above a definitely disjunction between what the songs were trying to do and what the script was.

I'm not say, by the way, Viorica, that I don't think you should find it offensive and I definitely agree that it probably shouldn't be regularly taken out of the Sondheim box but I saw it as basically not especially decent parody...

And it does have some lovely Sondheimish moments.

permalink

-

go to top

http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/

at 18:44 on 2009-07-27

I'm a bit embarrassed ... I actually saw the film of this with Michael Hordon and, uh, I wasn't offended in the slighest. I didn't think it was a great musical, to be honest, in that there was Jamie mentions above a definitely disjunction between what the songs were trying to do and what the script was.

I can go you one better--I was in this play in high school and wasn't offended by it. The four male leads were played by the four buddies who were the most talented in their senior class and it was fun to watch. (The four leads not including Hero.) I think it just played as so vaudevillian it didn't occur to me to read it that way. I have only positive associations with it just from that production.

In fact, when I think of "I'm Lovely" I rarely remember Philia singing it. I mostly remember the scene where Hysterium sings it in drag.

It's not all that memorable for songs, certainly. The two that mostly survive are Comedy Tonight (a song that starts out saying nothing should be taken seriously) and Everybody Ought to Have a Maid, a celebration of sexual harassment on the job. Which is pretty bad, but probably beaten out by even more blatantly sexist songs in other musical.

permalink

-

go to top

Nathalie H

at 19:07 on 2009-07-27Jamie: Thanks for all the background, you've really illuminated what's going on here - why I always felt it was a poor show compared to Sondheim's usual fare, with which I am fairly familiar although not quite in that level of detail, and also why anyone felt the need to write the bloody thing in the first place!

permalink

-

go to top

Dan H

at 10:49 on 2009-07-29

I'm a bit embarrassed ... I actually saw the film of this with Michael Hordon and, uh, I wasn't offended in the slighest.

I think the thing about the film is that it's so clearly of its time that it's quite hard to be offended by it because it was so clearly made in the 1960s and is so clearly parodying a style of comedy that was very popular at the time. Of course as Jamie observes part of the issue is that it's not an especially good or consistent parody.

permalink

-

go to top

Jamie Johnston

at 18:55 on 2009-07-31

So . . . she goes from being a one-dimensional female character because the creators didn't bother to flesh her out to a one-dimensional female character who is such because the plot demands it? That's not much better.

- Viorica

Sorry, I seem not to have explained very well. My point is not that the plot demands her to be one-dimensional. That would, as you say, be no excuse. My point is that the show itself is making a point about the fact that the plot demands her to be one-dimensional. This is actually one of the few points on which I'd argue that

... Forum

rises above being iffy but often enjoyable to actually be a rather clever and admirable piece of work, because here the parody isn't just of 50s comedy or of Plautus but of an extremely common fictional trope. How many stories have there been throughout history, and continue to be, in which the leading boy falls in love with the leading girl based solely on her beauty, sometimes without even having had a single conversation with her, and in which her beauty is therefore her sole relevant characteristic. Usually it turns out that she does have many other attractive features, and sometimes even some unattractive ones, but when you look carefully you still find that these make no difference at all to the boy's love for her or to anything else in the story, so they're entirely irrelevant and are really just after-thoughts added on to disguise the fact that the writer has no interest in her as a human being.

... Forum

mocks this type of story ruthlessly and, I'd suggest, fairly effectively, by making it utterly explicit that the leading girl's beauty is not only her sole relevant characteristic but in fact her sole characteristic. D'you see what I mean?

I'll concede the point about the scene's in Lycus' house. Yes, we're being invited to laugh at the fact that these various men are leering over women who haven't chosen to be leered over, and that probably isn't a good thing, even though to a great extent we're laughing not at the women's predicament but at the way the men's brains entirely stop working as soon as they see a bit of thigh. Similarly it's a fair point about Lycus' comment in the final scene, although I'm not sure that we're necessarily supposed to be glad that he's going to buy some more slaves; but nor is it supposed to totally spoil our enjoyment of the show, which it would if we really thought about it, so yeah.

As to

I Feel Pretty

, yes, there are certainly much more charitable readings of that song, but the one I mentioned is, as I understand it, more or less Sondheim's own feeling about it, which is what lies behind his spoof of it in

Lovely

. My own feeling about the song is somewhat different though still not altogether positive, principally because it makes Maria seem a bit obnoxious. But I try not to think too hard about

West Side Story

because the music is so utterly fabulous and the story is so utterly bleh.

permalink

-

go to top

Arthur B

at 19:09 on 2009-07-31

But I try not to think too hard about West Side Story because the music is so utterly fabulous and the story is so utterly bleh.

I think this is a common problem with most adaptations of

Romeo and Juliet

, since the motivations of the characters are simply baffling to modern audiences. (Then again, I think

Romeo & Juliet

works best if you assume that Shakespeare's attitude towards the young lovers is absolutely cynical, and that the tragedy isn't in the woeful and awful things that society does to people in love so much as it's in the idiotic and ridiculous things that people in love do to themselves.)

permalink

-

go to top

http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/

at 19:54 on 2009-07-31

My point is that the show itself is making a point about the fact that the plot demands her to be one-dimensional. This is actually one of the few points on which I'd argue that ... Forum rises above being iffy but often enjoyable to actually be a rather clever and admirable piece of work, because here the parody isn't just of 50s comedy or of Plautus but of an extremely common fictional trope.

That's how I've always taken it--it hits that idea pretty hard, I think. And that's very Sondheim. It reminds me of "Kiss Me" from Sweeney Todd, another song that sends up the trope of young lovers in love for no other reason than the girl has yellow hair. And in that song, imo, he manages to mix the mocking of the trope with real sympathy for the girl's predicament. Anthony comes across as maybe a bit foolish for claiming to be in love with a girl he's only seen, but Joanna is grasping at her only chance to escape a horrible fate.

permalink

-

go to top

Shim

at 22:29 on 2009-07-31

...the motivations of the characters are simply baffling to modern audiences.

It's a shame the way good stories of their time end up seeming nonsensical. Admittedly people do adaptations, but some don't lend themselves to that either. For example, farces are a problem because the embarrassments characters are trying to avoid are often irrelevant now. The old chaperone, breach-of-promise and so on school of things is out too.

On that note, I feel modern comedy sometimes struggles because you have to stretch things further and it's hard to do that well. Being found by the Bishop visting another woman's husband doesn't cut it any more - now you have to be in your underwear and covered in caramel. Or whatever.

permalink

-

go to top

http://pozorvlak.livejournal.com/

at 19:51 on 2009-08-02OK, I'm rather late to the conversation here, and I haven't seen the musical, but: it would be completely anachronistic for any of the characters to suggest that sex-slavery was anything other than The Way Things Are. And a completely straight portrayal of a morality that's so alien to our own could, if done well, be both deeply unsettling and very good. I'm reading Plato's

Republic

at the moment, and I'm getting that sensation a lot.

Incidentally, it was interesting to hear about Miles Gloriosus. I've noticed a tendency for characters called Miles in fiction to be villains.

permalink

-

go to top

Jamie Johnston

at 23:38 on 2009-08-02Of course, anachronism and its geographical equivalent (what's that called, anyone? anatopism?) were themselves notable features of Roman comedy, so one could do quite interesting things with that...

When you've finished with the Plato, try to find Betrand Russell's summary of it in his big ol'

History of western philosophy

: it'll reassure you that no, it isn't just you, Plato's ideal state really does sounds absolutely horrifying.

Villains called Miles? Interesting. In this particular case the name is actually lifted directly from the plot of one of Plautus' comedies,

Miles gloriosus

, meaning 'the full-of-himself soldier' (which is what the character in

... Forum

is).

permalink

-

go to top

Wardog

at 22:54 on 2009-08-03Hehe!

Anyway, I think you can count yourself lucky, Miles. Characters called Kyra are invariably prostitutes.

permalink

-

go to top

Viorica

at 01:45 on 2009-08-24My mother went to see it this afternoon, and brought back a program. This passage (from the director's notes) stuck out:

All great musicals have serious underpinnings, and this one is no exception. It involves a love story, of course, as most musicals do, but the driving force of the plot is the quest of the central character, the slave Pseudolous, for his freedom. For all its zaniness and goofiness, Forum has at its core a real concern for human rights and human dignity, and it is from that essence that the show draws its emotional life.

. . . yeah.

[furgemancs]

Bold What Applies to You

Copy paste, don’t reblog!

Tagged by: @azraeltree Tagging: hmmmm... lets tag @miyako47, @foreverafterall, @alainaprana, @missladytale, @sugartalesans

Basics

I am male/ I am female/ I am neither male or female/ I am under the age of 18/ I am 18 or older/ I am straight/ I am gay or lesbian/ I am bisexual or pansexual/ I am asexual (poss. panromantic)/ I am trans/

Friendship

I have two or more friends/ I have one friend/ I have no friends/ I have or have had a best friend/ I am close with my friend(s)/ I spend a lot of time with friends/ I am distant with my friends/ I have a crush on a friend/ I hate a friend/ I wish I had fewer friends/ I wish I had more friends/ I have online friends/ I have friends I’ve never met in person/ I’ve met all my friends in person/

Relationships

I am single/ I am in a relationship/ I am married/ I am a virgin/ I often date/ I don’t date much/ I prefer to date extroverted people/ I prefer introverts/ I prefer to date people who are like me/ I prefer to date people who are unlike me/ I take relationships very seriously/ I date for fun/ I date for companionship/ I date for sexual gratification/ I have high standards/ I date based more on appearance/ I date based more on personality/ I date long distance/ I like blonde hair/ I like Black hair/ I like dark brown hair/ I like light brown hair/ I like red hair/ I like ginger hair/ I like dyed hair/ I don’t have a favorite hair color/ I like blue eyes/ I like green eyes/ I like brown eyes/ I like black eyes/ I like hazel eyes/ I like amber eyes/ I like violet eyes/ I like heterochromia eyes/ I don’t have a favorite eye color/ I like people who are taller than me/ I like people who are my height/ I like people who are shorter than me/ I don’t have a height preference/ Eyes are my favorite/ noses are my favorite/ smiles are my favorite/ I prefer men/ I prefer women/ I prefer neither/ I like both/

Negativity

I have or have had depression/ I have cried myself to sleep/ I have or did had anxiety/I am often lonely/ I keep a lot of emotions inside/ I am scared of talking to people/ I want to talk more/ I have an eating disorder/ I have low self-esteem/ I often feel I embarrass myself/ I have been abused/ I feel people consider me dumb/ I feel like I’m not taken seriously/ I am quickly jealous/ I feel people want me to be someone or something I’m not/ I have been sexually assaulted/ I have experienced discrimination and or racism/ I feel like I’m pretending/ I’m often scared/ I feel like people only pretend to like me/ I have hurt someone before (emotionally)

Positivity

I have become a better person/ I have gotten out of a bad period of time/ I am confident/ I am looking forward to something/ I have enjoyed myself over the past week/ I have met a famous person/ I consider myself a kind hearted person/ I am currently feeling relaxed and comfortable/ I appreciate the little things in life/ I have nobody in my life whom I hate/ I have achieved something large this year/ I am part of a religion that brings me peace/ I have lost a lot of weight/ I have a movie/game/song which cheers me up/ I like how I look/ I laughed today/ I have good friends/ I have a loving family/ I am stronger than I was before/ I recently had a good dream

I…

…get scared from watching horror movies/ …play a sport/ …read a lot of books/ …have allergies/ …feel shy around the opposite gender/ …feel shy around people in general/ …am a feminist/ …believe in love at first sight/ …own an instrument/ …can draw/ …am listening to music right now/ …value romance and friendship equally/ …have sneaked out of the house/ …am outgoing/ …respect people’s comfort zones and personal space/ …am deaf/ …spend money on a daily basis/ …want to write a book/ …can ride a horse/ …put my hands over my face when I’m flattered/ …like the colors pink and yellow/ …own an xbox/ …shop at least once a week/ …have a drivers license/ …drink alcoholic beverages/ …would like a friend of the opposite gender/ …get scared by unsettling imagery and screamers/ …eat fast food at least twice a week/ …Love superhero movies/ …get attached to characters in books/movies/tv/games/ …wear glasses/

Likes and Dislikes

I like parties/ I dislike parties/ I like perfume/ I dislike perfume/ I like “so bad it’s good” movies/ I dislike “so bad it’s good movies”/ I like playing video games/ I dislike playing video games/I like chocolate/ I dislike chocolate/ I like having a busy schedule/ I dislike having a busy schedule/ I like laughing at my own jokes/ I dislike laughing at my own jokes/ I like compliments (kinda - can get flustered easily gosh)/ I dislike compliments/ I like heavy metal music/ I dislike heavy metal music/ I like snow/ I dislike snow/ I like taking walks with someone/ I dislike taking walks with someone/ I like people who aren’t very talkative/ I dislike people who aren’t very talkative/ I like spicy food/ I dislike spicy food/ I like dogs/ I dislike dogs/ I like cats/ I dislike cats/ I like the dark/ I dislike the dark/ I like sushi/ I dislike sushi/

[azraeltree]

Bold What Applies to You

Copy paste, don’t reblog!

Tagged by: @honeyhogger/ @askinfresh (can’t remember which one you tagged me from pfft) Tagging: uhhh @little-noko @vivynek0 @furgemancs @anyone else who wants to do it? xD

Basics

I am male/ I am female/ I am neither male or female/ I am under the age of 18/ I am 18 or older/ I am straight/ I am gay or lesbian/ I am bisexual or pansexual/ I am asexual (poss. panromantic)/ I am trans/

Friendship

I have two or more friends/ I have one friend/ I have no friends/ I have or have had a best friend/ I am close with my friend(s)/ I spend a lot of time with friends/ I am distant with my friends (lately especially asdfghjl)/  I have a crush on a friend/ I hate a friend/ I wish I had fewer friends/ I wish I had more friends/ I have online friends/ I have friends I’ve never met in person/ I’ve met all my friends in person/

Relationships

I am single/ I am in a relationship/ I am married/ I am a virgin/ I often date/ I don’t date much/ I prefer to date extroverted people/ I prefer introverts/ I prefer to date people who are like me/ I prefer to date people who are unlike me/ I take relationships very seriously/ I date for fun/ I date for companionship/ I date for sexual gratification/ I have high standards/ I date based more on appearance/ I date based more on personality/ I date long distance/ I like blonde hair/ I like Black hair/ I like dark brown hair/ I like light brown hair/ I like red hair/ I like ginger hair/ I like dyed hair/ I don’t have a favorite hair color/ I like blue eyes/ I like green eyes/ I like brown eyes/ I like black eyes/ I like hazel eyes/ I like amber eyes/ I like violet eyes/ I like heterochromia eyes/ I don’t have a favorite eye color/ I like people who are taller than me/ I like people who are my height/ I like people who are shorter than me/ I don’t have a height preference/ Eyes are my favorite/ noses are my favorite/ smiles are my favorite/ I prefer men/ I prefer women/ I prefer neither/ I like both/

Negativity

I have or have had depression/ I have cried myself to sleep/ I have or did had anxiety/I am often lonely/ I keep a lot of emotions inside/ I am scared of talking to people/ I want to talk more/ I have an eating disorder/ I have low self-esteem/ I often feel I embarrass myself/ I have been abused/ I feel people consider me dumb/ I feel like I’m not taken seriously/ I am quickly jealous/ I feel people want me to be someone or something I’m not/ I have been sexually assaulted/ I have experienced discrimination and or racism/ I feel like I’m pretending/ I’m often scared/ I feel like people only pretend to like me/ I have hurt someone before (emotionally)

Positivity

I have become a better person/ I have gotten out of a bad period of time/ I am confident/ I am looking forward to something/ I have enjoyed myself over the past week/ I have met a famous person/ I consider myself a kind hearted person/ I am currently feeling relaxed and comfortable/ I appreciate the little things in life/ I have nobody in my life whom I hate/ I have achieved something large this year/ I am part of a religion that brings me peace/ I have lost a lot of weight/ I have a movie/game/song which cheers me up/ I like how I look/ I laughed today/ I have good friends/ I have a loving family/ I am stronger than I was before/ I recently had a good dream

I…

…get scared from watching horror movies/ …play a sport/ …read a lot of books/ …have allergies/ …feel shy around the opposite gender/ …feel shy around people in general/ …am a feminist/ …believe in love at first sight/ …own an instrument/ …can draw/ …am listening to music right now/ …value romance and friendship equally/ …have sneaked out of the house/ …am outgoing/ …respect people’s comfort zones and personal space/ …am deaf/ …spend money on a daily basis/ …want to write a book/ …can ride a horse/ …put my hands over my face when I’m flattered/ …like the colors pink and yellow/ …own an xbox/ …shop at least once a week/ …have a drivers license/ …drink alcoholic beverages/ …would like a friend of the opposite gender/ …get scared by unsettling imagery and screamers/ …eat fast food at least twice a week/ …Love superhero movies/ …get attached to characters in books/movies/tv/games/ …wear glasses/

Likes and Dislikes

I like parties/ I dislike parties/ I like perfume/ I dislike perfume/ I like “so bad it’s good” movies/ I dislike “so bad it’s good movies”/ I like playing video games/ I dislike playing video games/I like chocolate/ I dislike chocolate/ I like having a busy schedule/ I dislike having a busy schedule/ I like laughing at my own jokes/ I dislike laughing at my own jokes/ I like compliments (kinda - can get flustered easily gosh)/ I dislike compliments/ I like heavy metal music/ I dislike heavy metal music/ I like snow/ I dislike snow/ I like taking walks with someone/ I dislike taking walks with someone/ I like people who aren’t very talkative/ I dislike people who aren’t very talkative/ I like spicy food/ I dislike spicy food/ I like dogs/ I dislike dogs/ I like cats/ I dislike cats/ I like the dark/ I dislike the dark/ I like sushi/ I dislike sushi/

[cereusblue]

Bold What Applies to You

Copy paste, don’t reblog!

Tagged by: @skoopskoop​ and @askinfresh​ Tagging: uhh.. @7goodangel @celticwolfie @shy-little-moosen @spottyakuma

Basics

I am male/ I am female/ I am neither male or female/ I am under the age of 18/ I am 18 or older/ I am straight/ I am gay or lesbian/ I am bisexual or pansexual/ I am asexual/ I am trans /

Friendship

I have two or more friends/ I have one friend/ I have no friends/ I have or have had a best friend/ I am close with my friend(s)/ I spend a lot of time with friends/ I am distant with my friends/ I have a crush on a friend(we are dating~)/ I hate a friend/ I wish I had fewer friends/ I wish I had more friends/ I have online friends/ I have friends I’ve never met in person/ I’ve met all my friends in person/

Relationships

I am single/ I am in a relationship/ I am married/ I am a virgin/ I often date/ I don’t date much/ I prefer to date extroverted people/ I prefer introverts/ I prefer to date people who are like me/ I prefer to date people who are unlike me/ I take relationships very seriously/ I date for fun/ I date for companionship/ I date for sexual gratification/ I have high standards/ I date based more on appearance/ I date based more on personality/ I date long distance/ I like blonde hair/ I like Black hair/ I like dark brown hair/ I like light brown hair/ I like red hair/ I like ginger hair/ I like dyed hair/ I don’t have a favorite hair color/ I like blue eyes/ I like green eyes/ I like brown eyes/ I like black eyes/ I like hazel eyes/ I like amber eyes/ I like violet eyes/ I like heterochromia eyes/ I don’t have a favorite eye color/ I like people who are taller than me/ I like people who are my height/ I like people who are shorter than me/ I don’t have a height preference/ Eyes are my favorite/ noses are my favorite/ smiles are my favorite/ I prefer men/ I prefer women/ I prefer neither/ I like both people/

Negativity

I have or have had depression/ I have cried myself to sleep/ I have or did had anxiety/ I am often lonely/ I keep a lot of emotions inside/ I am scared of talking to people/ I want to talk more/ I have an eating disorder/ I have low self-esteem/ I often feel I embarrass myself/ I have been abused/ I feel people consider me dumb/ I feel like I’m not taken seriously/ I am quickly jealous/ I feel people want me to be someone or something I’m not/ I have been sexually assaulted/ I have experienced discrimination and or racism/ I feel like I’m pretending/ I’m often scared/ I feel like people only pretend to like me/ I have hurt someone before (emotionally)

Positivity

I have become a better person/ I have gotten out of a bad period of time/ I am confident/ I am looking forward to something/ I have enjoyed myself over the past week/ I have met a famous person/ I consider myself a kind hearted person/ I am currently feeling relaxed and comfortable/ I appreciate the little things in life/ I have nobody in my life whom I hate/ I have achieved something large this year/ I am part of a religion that brings me peace/ I have lost a lot of weight/ I have a movie/game/song which cheers me up/ I like how I look/ I laughed today/ I have good friends/ I have a loving family/ I am stronger than I was before/ I recently had a good dream

I…

…get scared from watching horror movies/ …play a sport/ …read a lot of books/ …have allergies/ …feel shy around the opposite gender/ …feel shy around people in general/ …am a feminist/ …believe in love at first sight/ …own an instrument/ …can draw/ …am listening to music right now/ …value romance and friendship equally/ …have sneaked out of the house/ …am outgoing/ …respect people’s comfort zones and personal space/ …am deaf/ …spend money on a daily basis/ …want to write a book/ …can ride a horse/ …put my hands over my face when I’m flattered/ …like the colors pink and yellow/ …own an xbox/ …shop at least once a week/ …have a drivers license/ …drink alcoholic beverages/ …would like a friend of the opposite gender/ …get scared by unsettling imagery and screamers/ …eat fast food at least twice a week/ …Love superhero movies/ …get attached to characters in books/movies/tv/games/ …wear glasses (They broken kinda though)/

Likes and Dislikes

I like parties/ I dislike parties/ I like perfume (in small doses, body spray stuff)/ I dislike perfume/ I like “so bad it’s good” movies/ I dislike “so bad it’s good movies”/ I like playing video games/ I dislike playing video games/ I like chocolate/ I dislike chocolate/ I like having a busy schedule/ I dislike having a busy schedule/ I like laughing at my own jokes/ I dislike laughing at my own jokes/ I like compliments/ I dislike can’t take compliments/ I like heavy metal music/ I dislike heavy metal music/ I like snow/ I dislike snow/ I like taking walks with someone/ I dislike taking walks with someone/ I like people who aren’t very talkative/ I dislike people who aren’t very talkative/ I like spicy food/ I dislike spicy food/ I like dogs/ I dislike dogs/ I like cats/ I dislike cats/ I like the dark/ I dislike the dark/ I like sushi/ I dislike sushi/