#i genuinely love this and don't want it ruined

[eldest-moonlit]

I'm pretty sure I still don't know how to share my feelings, except in very specific situations with specific people. I am able to talk with my closest friends, with my therapist, but in other cases, even with my parents, I still don't know how to share my feelings. Twice last year I suffered massive emotional meltdowns that had me sobbing and in tears as I sat on the edge of my bed, my mom next to me as I vented and screamed. But I wasn't sure if she even understood, or I at least had doubts. Neurodivergent people feel emotions as well. We feel our emotions very intensely, or at least I do. So when I feel genuinely happy, I feel incredibly happy to the point where I feel like nothing can ruin my joy. But when I'm genuinely sad, my emotional meltdowns hit me like bricks. Those intense meltdowns are when I break down sobbing, am completely in tears, and sometimes have me screaming things I wanted to desperately say, but because I couldn't say them to my parents before, they just flood out of me during a period of intense emotion. Even when I don't have a meltdown though, genuine sadness hits me like a punch to the gut or a stab to the heart. But there's far too few people in this world outside of others on the spectrum who I've met who at least try to understand.

Even though I'm in therapy now, I still don't know how to not be a burden. I've lost track of the number of times I felt like I was not worth getting to know, not worth talking to, like my feelings and emotions don't matter...even with my three closest friends, I beg them, unspoken, but deep within my soul, to not give up on me. I've bought gifts for some of them, but I still feel scared that they might not like them. I can talk for hours with them about the things I love and am interested in, but I still worry that I might be talking too much to the point of annoyance when all I'm doing is sharing my interests and my knowledge on them. I still remain scared that I'm too vulnerable with them, that my hopes are raised but they might end up dashed in the end. And with me already having my survival in a neurotypical society getting significantly harder, I feel that even years of therapy might not help enough...

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

[barrenclan]

I just want you to know you fixed my broken motivation to read. I used to read tons of books growing up. I was one of those people that would stay up all night to finish a 5 inch chapter book front to back in one sitting. But like, idk when exactly it happened, but sometime during my mid-late teens my motivation to read just kept dropping until there wasn't a book that could keep my attention for more than a few pages at a time, and I would rarely ever get passed the first chapter or two. I blame part of it on an addiction to social media and short-form content completely ruining my attention span, but I also blame part of it on other unrelated mental health issues.

Anyway, I've been desperately trying to fix my ability to read for years now, because its something I've always loved and I genuinely really miss it. But nothing was helping until I came across PATW a few months ago and read all of it (what was out at the time) in one sitting. Since then, I've been able to start introducing reading back into my life. Im starting with relatively "easy" reads, but the fact that I can sit down, read a book, and it keep my attention for any considerable amount of time is so relieving. So yeah, thanks for getting the ball rolling!

(I've also deleted all my socials except Tumblr, which is a win for me personally)

Aw gosh! I'm so honored that I could be the one who gets you reading again. Any amount of time spent with any book is good in my opinion and I don't look down on people for reading "easy books" (I gobble down a ton of cheap fantasy and horror myself!). But literacy is great and I always encourage it. :]

[charmwasjess]

for our good friend dooku, 16, 21&22, and 6 if you have more to say about it. 🙏🙇‍♂️

OH YOU JUST COME INTO MY ASK BOX AND MAKE MY DAY?!! :D Beloved anon, these are SUCH fun questions and I absolutely had a blast answering them. Thank you so much! Stop by anytime and I’ll make you a cup of coffee! (I have tea too, but my taste in tea is real gross.)

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Ohh, this is a hard one! 

The thing is, while I have my favorites, I find Dooku soo very shippable with a vast number of characters - not because he has any healthy understanding of his own sexual and emotional needs anymore than he has a healthy relationship with food - but because especially in his Sith era, he’s a black hole of need and loneliness. Sex is like the one way Sith are allowed to access the intimacy that fifty years of Jedi communal life has trained him to want and need. 

The ship for him that I absolutely love-hate in that vein is Sidious/Dooku. I doubt it went much further than a few absolutely debased encounters because let’s be honest, Sidious can do much better and isn’t in the habit of letting his dog eat from his plate, but whoof, what a fun, fucked up ship with nasty power dynamics. “Oh nooo, oh no, awful….where’s the link?” energy.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

I love giving Dooku big, often violent, over the top moments where his natural appetite for chaos comes out. 

Dooku gives you these amazing options as a fanfic writer. He’s so high drama. A huge part of his reserve and composure is that there’s an absolute volcano of feeling bubbling under the crust.

The things he says are absurd and beautiful, poetic and horrific, hilarious and awkward. You can push the character further than you expect, and he’ll go with you in surprising places in a piece of writing if you let him show off. This is a character who loves attention and has the natural talent and chaos to back up his own bullshit. If you can get his sound and feel right, there’s almost nothing you can’t do with him - because a core part of Dooku is the unreliable narrator: even he doesn’t always know what he’s about to do. 

I think the hardest part is his “voice” because Christopher Lee had such a distinctive cadence - it’s not just a British accent, it’s early 20th century British, who grew up bilingual and went on to speak like literally 7 different languages fluently, with a supremely deep voice, who wanted to sing opera but only got half-trained before WWII ruined that dream for him. It’s a very unique sound.

I like “my” Dooku voice in my fics and I’m proud of it; I work really hard on it and it’s why I use him as a POV character most often. But I still look at my own fics and have those record needle scratch moments where I know a line of his needs to get reworked. It’s a constant process.

The Christopher Lee accent also could not be MORE different than my own rural American one. There’s a hilarious-awful story in Lee’s autobiography, Lord of Misrule, about him getting stopped by a patrol of Americans in WWII who absolutely do not believe he’s English and they start trying to speak German to him. He goes, “you don’t have to speak German, you know, I’m fairly capable of understanding English, since that’s what I am.” 

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

I love it when fics do a realistic job of letting Dooku be the walking contradiction he is. Two of my favorite Dooku fics right now are Pray My Mind Be Good to Me and Galaxies Far Far Away May Be Closer Than They Appear - both feature Dooku written in this way. He has done or is going to do horrific shit - shit that cannot be changed and has real consequences. In both fics, he’s also portrayed vividly, a "real person," full of genuine emotion, vulnerability, and deep investment in the other characters. Love is a part of his betrayal and betrayal is a part of his love. These two things exist in the character simultaneously in queasy, gorgeous combination. 

As far as what I don’t like, I don’t know, I think Dooku is a tremendously intimidating character to write and I’m impressed by anyone who takes a crack at writing him! I’d encourage anyone to give it a shot. 

I have one really small weird pet peeve, and that’s giving him too much stuffy, uptight rich guy cliche. Dude was a mud-grubbing mission Jedi for 50 years, himself raised by a swamp troll, who went on to train two of the most chaotic Jedi. He’s eaten more bugs than Anakin, and I'll die on that hill.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

I went pretty broad on my other answer, so I’ll tell you two lil' things!

I’m tall (ironically I’m about Sifo-Dyas’s canon height, a character whose legit tallness is often overlooked cause he’s standing next to Dooku–) and I pull a ton of my own experiences into how I write the way he moves or his little gestures, especially how small he can fold up when he’s feeling vulnerable. There’s a unique tall person awkwardness that comes from experiencing the adolescent growth spurt right at the time when it’s the most emotionally unbearable to be physically conspicuous. 

I didn’t realize I shared his exercise-away-the-strong-emotion thing until I was chatting with @bolithesenate about some fic or something, and said something offhand like “too upset about Sifo-Dyas, gotta go for a run” and she was like “uh, Jess? are you QUOTING your own Dooku characterization here?” :O Don't call me out like that, bro!! Do not perceive me!

[motherofoompaloompas]

Star Trek TOS/AOS Slide Show

Ok so I made this power point in like 2022 and have been updating it every once in a while. I end up presenting it to someone every few months and it is one of my pride and joys. Please feel free to use it

A few notes about it:

Made to be viewed in presentation mode

You might need some background for some bits. Most of it is pretty self explanatory, but it you're thinking about showing it to someone consider flipping through and making sure you can elaborate on any details that aren't explicitly written down.

Please let me know what you think! I'd really like to know <3

[openpassionates]

VENUS WIPES AT her eyes again and sniffles, hating the current conversation and that it somehow got to this. she's upset and frustrated at the same time. she's trying to relax because she doesn't want to bawl in front of or snap at rafael. "when you genuinely like someone, you don't make lies and all that other stuff. the marriage thing was a mutual understanding but there's no excuse for the stuff after it. there have been moments that weren't tense. that's a bad excuse." she shuts him down. "you keep asking questions you know the answer to. i just said i didn't want things to be weird. if that's you being honest and your idea of being in love is lying and giving mixed signals then okay but that's not mine so i think it's delirious. it's nothing to argue or disagree about. we're friends because i wasn't asked out and i didn't ask you. feelings can be there and nothing can come out of it. that's my whole point. don't make me keep repeating myself because i'm getting pissed off." venus warns him. she doesn't want to make things even more tense than it is now. she wants to be able to be gentle with rafael again. she can tell he doesn't like the feeling of her moving but she didn't know what to do when she was feeling rejected. "i'd rather not ruin the vacation so we're friends. that's it. i moved because the cuddling and kissing isn't a friend thing."

“venus… i’m just trying to say what i’m feeling today, in this moment, right now.” he doesn’t want her to think he thinks that nothing from his past relationship has blender into the current one he’s trying to build. “i know that some of my reactions are over the top. that doesn’t strictly come from the olivia issues. i genuinely like you and i’m trying my best to show that.” he sits up and rests his back on the bed, crossing one leg over the other. “then why did you suggest we ignore it then? i mean it’s very clear that what happened changed things. i knew what i said freaked you out… you didn’t even have to say it did. i was being honest. i wasn’t delirious.” he doesn’t like how the conversation going and now he’s regretting saying he loves her so soon— just when he thought he was getting past the stage of self-humilation— it’s back. “friends don’t argue or disagree about whether or not they’re just friends or put into question what it is they mean to each other…” rafael explains his point of view, catching venus wiping her face. maybe the conversation is too much for her? he quietly assesses their current situation as venus rises from the bed with the damp cloth. he’s not sure where she’s going with it until he sees her putting it away. “the only reason nothing has been established is because i was married and then marriage-related issues made everything more complicated, venus. i’m not just not asking you. i’m not gonna ask you to be together when it’s tense and weird like this.” rafael still plans to ask her out soon, but he knows there’s going to be some sort of delay because of this conversation. he could take those few days and plan it out more. hopefully things are better between them in the next two days. he doesn’t say anything more until she’s in the bedroom again, expecting her to come back and sit beside him, but she sits on the vacant bed instead. he looks over at her, squinting his eyes, puzzled as to why she moved away from him. “hey…why did you move over there?” there’s a hint of sadness in his voice. “if i’m upsetting you, i’m sorry.”

[themintman]

My opinions on some ships and characters 😼😼😼

Ill explain some stuff in the tags if yall are curious hehe ALSO IN THE REBLOGS. TUMBLR SILENCED ME 😔💔

Template by @stervil !!!

[peliginspeaks]

Listen, I'm sorry to the people who draw Veils in torn/bloody robes because of the whole Vake thing but you're simply wrong. Do you think Veils would Ever go out like that. Do you think it doesn't have fifteen changes of clothes ready immediately, with options depending on the day and occasion, to climb into when it comes back from killing things. Of course it does. Veils is getting home, taking a shower in the Bazaar, putting on a new perfectly clean robe with accent panels and silk trim, and then dabbing 1 (one) tasteful bloodstain on the hem of it with a claw because it's arrogant and it thinks it can get away with it. What is a Veils if it's not serving cunt. Of course it is.

[thranduel]

You're right. I can be better than him.

[muirmarie]

the real reason i don't do spirk to mcspirk that often is because the idea of being a second pick bothers me so deeply and terribly that i would prefer not to be with someone at all. you love me or you don't. what does it say if you're happy in a relationship without me and then eventually something happens and you're like, oh, our friend, yeah we should probably love her as well. i don't want to be wanted like that, and the idea of being wanted like that makes me want to never be wanted at all, makes me want to disappear forever and never let a hand touch me, never let a hand catch me - better to never be held with love at all then to be held like that. and what does that mean for kirk and spock? to learn to love a thing too late? to be too blind to what's in front of them? to hurt someone they're supposed to love? better to swallow their love for him like poison than let it seep out and kill the friendship they already have. it's too late! it's too late. you made your choice and you can't go back. why would you ever want to be a second choice? the person left behind, waiting, hoping they come back for you? i am taking the choice away from you, i am turning away from you, i am telling you that this isn't love, i am telling you that i don't love you back. i will choke to death on my own bloodied, swallowed words of love before i ever let myself want you like that.

anyway yeah that's why i don't usually write spirk to mcspirk unless spirk is already REAL FREAKS about mccoy. like they have to be insanely obsessed with that man before they're in a relationship or it just doesn't work for me.

also i'm aware i clearly have some deep-seated issues about this lmao, but i genuinely don't know what they're from!!! but they're DEEP AND THEY ARE EVER PRESENT lmaoooooooo

[and like: i cannot stress enough????? i am just laughing about MY issues, i am absolutely not saying other ppl shouldn't write that!!! this is more me just being like lmao why does that make my ears ring and my vision blurry when i see it???? haha isn't that weird????]

[holocene-sims]

a sneak peek for an upcoming (timeline tbd) update 😊

[babacontainsmultitudes]

*breathes in*

[appri-dot]

How to stop liking things

[goldentigerfestival]

I love the vocal nuance in this exchange, but also posting this for my differences posts because this is one of the changes that infuriates me the most. Yuri didn't threaten Ioder, did not threaten him with a weapon, and just said he'd punch him in a lazy, half joking voice (half joking as in, he really doesn't want to hear that - that's just his way of saying so; but that's not the voice of someone who is super angry and threatening).

My other huge grievance is that this is a recurring issue between them in the dub. Yuri is pretty much always vocally rude to Ioder. Ioder has done nothing to wrong him or anyone and has only ever done good for the people where he's able to.

Yet despite Ioder being nothing but sincere, honest and polite with Yuri, in fact even happy to see him here and there, dub Yuri is outright tonally rude to him leading right up this scene where he threatens Ioder in this dark voice. Meanwhile he's actually just supposed to be… lazily telling Ioder he'll punch him in his Yuri Lowell way of saying "I don't want to hear that".

The dub really just wanted to turn Yuri into this dark edgelord and I hate that for my goofy, silly boy.

[softshuji]

Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.

[koka-mi]

vent under the cut you don't need to read if you don't want to!!!!!!!

I honestly hateee opening up or oversharing with ppl. it's kind of like eating for me where it feels okay in the moment but then afterwards I just feel awful. it feels like I'm attention seeking or saying someone else's experience isn't valid for some reason and it sucks. I don't do it at all with ppl I just met but with friends I tend to get carried away with it sometimes,,,

It hurts even more because I've been distancing myself from ppl bcz I'm scared of this exact thing happening. People have messaged me before, saying I seem cool and they want to be friends. And I get happy in the moment, but then I get really anxious about accidentally getting too comfortable and blurting out personal things, because then their opinion of me will wane and they'll think I'm annoying or ungrateful. So I subconsciously begin to distance myself and take a while when responding to messages, because I'm scared of getting too comfortable with them. But now I'm anxious that they think I'm cold or distant and that I secretly don't like them. It's just a lose lose situation mannn </3

I have so many DMs I've put off responding to, and I've stopped talking in servers as much bcz I'm scared of getting close with ppl in them. I really feel bad for it, though. I've drifted from friends bcz of that and it sucks because I genuinely love them a lot. I love everyone I talk to a lot and they always make my day better--I just wish I could be the same for them. I feel like it's a chore to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do. It's even worse when I get close to someone bcz they like what I make/post because again, now that they've seen how I really am and I've opened up, they more than likely see me as annoying or a bad person. Like it hurts enough whenever we become friends naturally talking, but if it's with someone who's seen me at my "best" and has seen things I work on or stories I've created, they ofc associate me with those things, and their expectations of me are through the roof. So when I disappoint them it hurts a lot more. I hate getting attached to people it hurts so much

[19catsncounting]

Therapy isn't enough I need the CW to go back and re-film Season 11 to prove that Lucifer could have been saved if Michael didn't abandon him like Dean refused to abandon Sam.