#i fought so hard to get here
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An incredibly late Christmas with the UA family and their matching sweaters-
I know it’s like a month late, but this one had me fist-fighting the Earth trying to get it finished and I Did Not Plan on giving up lol
#bnha#eclair’s art#present mic#eraserhead#power loader#ectoplasm#midnight#thirteen#cementoss#snipe#principal nedzu#eri#hizashi yamada#aizawa shouta#higari maijima#nemuri kayama#anan kurose#ken ishiyama#ectoloader#god this one actually drained me so bad#I think that’s all the tags ehh#like. usually these Christmas drawings don’t fight against me but this one just. did not. want to be drawn.#no matter how hard I tried i couldn’t get it right it’s one of those ones that refused to cooperate#but. like. if I didn’t finish it I would have it at the back of my mind unable to start other wips#so I fought it with my bare fists and here you go#Hough
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its two in the morning and i'm plagued by thoughts of the von zarovich brothers
#if u are my players and u see this: no you dont#curse of strahd#strahd von zarovich#sergei von zarovich#listen. LISTEN. i am a tragic and doomed sibling enjoyer#i am also an eldest sibling irl#i get strahd and his jealousy. i do. i understand it#but god. them#duty vs free will vs love#and how sergei. wonderful sergei. perfect sergei. gets everything. because of course he does#its handed to him on a silver platter#and strahd? fought with bloody hands to get what he wants. he takes and takes and takes#sergei. full of love and admiration towards strahd#i do think strahd loved sergei as best as he could#and i think that love turned to something sour when he tries to keep the order of things#sergei breaking the rules vs strahd whos had the rules drilled into him since he was a boy#strahd who felt like he had to prove himself to his parents to get their love vs sergei who got it immediately#ooooooughh im thinking so hard#i cannot stop#theyre so abdndjskakwk#strahd not allowing sergei to break free of their princely duties bc its the only thing he has left of their parents#he is the warrior. sergei is the priest. thats always how it should be#yet here he is#breaking that#breaking what his father created#and strahd realises too late that that was ever an option for him#look how happy sergei is. why cant he be allowed that? surely hes allowed that after all the blood and fighting?#why cant he get that#sibling jealousy. again. i /get/ that#god. i cant wait to tell my players more about sergei & strahd
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Like, I knew shit was gonna be bad, but holy shit… now that Trump has signed a bill specifically excluding DEI programs from being funded by federal institutions so many of my colleagues research funds have frozen and the university won’t use their endowment to continue them. And now there is talk about my scholarships and funding being frozen and possibly rescinded which means I couldn’t finish my degree. I knew the only reason I was allowed to go to school was because of Biden Era policies that paid my way, but I didn’t expect them to be called into question and possibly dissolved so quickly. Literally three and a half years of schooling and a year’s worth of research could be gone and I could be left back where I started with no degree and no prospects…
#like I’ve fought so hard to get here#and now I could be on the brink of homelessness again?#I’m so angry
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Anybody else been having the weird experience of realizing that you will die eventually and you will never know if we make it out of climate disaster? If we actually do space travel? If the world falls apart?
You realize that. That you’ll never see the year 2424. That your existence is so insignificant and you will never know the ending.
That you will have an ending and you have no idea what’s happening after. To humanity/earth. But also to you and your tiny little consciousness.
That there’s a time where you’ll cease to exist.
And then you can feel your teeth and taste metal and have to actively not let yourself hyperventilate?
CAUSE IVE BEEN HAVING THOSE FUN MOMENTS ABOUT 3-5 TIMES A WEEK. AND I FEEL LIKE IM LOSING MY MIND.
#irl shit#mel babbles#mel bitches#mel whines#mel has too much knowledge for her little primate brain#I am so terrified of dying all of a sudden#and too many relatives and pets have been dying or getting diagnosed w cancer#and I hate reincarnation cause I don’t want to be back here and not remember myself#I’ve fought so damn hard to become me#being reborn and not remembering any of this would be so fucking awful#anxiety issues#panic attack mention#I need this to stop
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I’m new here and I absolutely love your type of blogs with analysis and meta and long texts~~
I was wondering—is Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship the kind that could be interpreted as romantic?
first of all, welcome and ty! and sorry it took me so long to reply, i hope u're still around anon. now to answer ur question
i'll take this opportunity to share all my thoughts on the topic bc i have Many.
TLDR: it is possible to read it as romantic if you really want to, but it's not meant to (at least not as of right now in the story aka ch.224)
deep dive under the cut as to why
-> can Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship be interpreted as romantic?
i like how you phrased that bc, the thing is, interpretation is very subjective. you're welcome and allowed to interpret things however you want, but in EY&HJ's case, i feel like you'd have to work a lil extra hard to get to that point.
-> is Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship meant to be interpreted as romantic?
this one's easy bc no. objectively Not. the genre of No Home is drama and slice of life (and once upon a time, horror). even if they were to ever end up in a romantic relationship, that's not what the story is about.
when i ask myself what the author's intention is with this story, i'd say it's to (realistically) portray how a young person with trauma would navigate another young person's trauma. and showing how easy it is to unintentionally fuck it up for various reasons: lacking context as to what exactly said trauma is, generally not knowing how to navigate it, their own trauma getting in the way, lacking the necessary resources. take your pick.
think of it like "how should i carry someone else's baggage when i have my own to deal with?" while also keeping in mind they're kids; they often don't have enough experience to know how to help, and even when they know what the right thing to do is, they're not old enough to take (legal) action.
and especially, the most heart-breaking yet realistic thing, when you're just getting to know someone, you can't know everything about them. it's so easy to accidentally do or say sth that cuts or offends when it wasn't meant to. but when they've got their own issues, it's hard not to take it personally (eg. EY talking about HJ's parents without knowing his mom died not long ago in the beginning of the story).
-> what even is Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship??
this one's so funny bc i have no idea how to answer and i'm convinced not even EY and HJ themselves would know how to answer. they're not really friends; they got off on the wrong foot and kept walking with two left feet way too much to call themselves friends. the things that pushed them together the most were the dorms (not anymore) and the same friend group (more or less since EY has multiple).
what fits them best i'd say is "the universe forced us together against our will and now we're stuck with one another altho we hate each other" (<- at least in the beginning) extended with the "misery loves company" sentiment. finding comfort in someone who gets it, even tho they only kinda get it but not really but it works out anyway except it doesn't <- THERE'S NO NAME FOR THAT *cry* they invented a new type of character dynamic smh (i've never read a pairing with so much (romantic) potential only to see them completely fuck up their chance so royally by the end of their interaction EVERY SINGLE TIME. like yeah, enemies to lovers whatever BUT NOT TO THAT LEVEL HOLY SHIT)
they've changed each other, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. they're compatible in the way they understand each other on a deeper level and incompatible in the way they don't.
...however...
this is how HJ thinks of EY: (and also what No Home is truly abt)





and this is how EY feels about HJ after EY found out HJ used to steal as well (aka that HJ isn't perfect like the stuck up bitch EY thought he was at first):


so...
<- -> EY's first impression of HJ was that he was looking down on him and sth like "does this guy have ulterior motives? or is he just that naive being so trusting?" until EY found out HJ wasn't that different from him. after that, EY started admiring HJ for still managing to achieve things in life despite the hardships he had to go through. the type of admiration that can easily (and sometimes does) slip into envy.
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since the beginning, EY has helped HJ (or at least tried to) without him knowing. sometimes it worked out, sometimes not. most times EY tried doing sth nice for HJ was (from EY's perspective) in return to HJ trying to help him or doing nice things for him (which, again, sometimes worked out, sometimes not). EY was just paying back a debt to "this stubborn naive guy who keeps getting into trouble and butting into his business. gotta look out for this idiot or he might get scammed." (<- eg. when EY offered to get HJ's money back from his uncle)
he doesn't do it for credit or friendship or out of obligation, he's just doing what he thinks is the right thing bc he doesn't want to owe anyone anything. he can't accept people just genuinely being kind, genuinely caring and genuinely wanting to help. but he's been learning and slowly coming to terms with it.
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<- -> HJ first wanted to try befriending EY despite not liking him bc, well, the guy did steal his wallet and stab him in their first interaction. after trying and failing at it multiple times, thanksgiving happened, and HJ started thinking of EY as his underclassman bc he realized EY's just a kid with issues and he should keep an eye on him (discretely bc EY hates pity).
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with time HJ has come to understand EY better by going after him whenever he ran off and slowly realized that EY does mean well and has his reasons (as fucked up as they might be sometimes). but his mentality abt EY is still "i gotta push him in the right direction cuz he's my underclassman and i unintentionally got attached to him (somehow??)" (also bc he knows EY already gave up on himself so he needs a lil help to find his way again. also also bc he knows EY is lowkey suicidal and he's scared it'll be his fault if sth happens) <- his care for EY comes from a protective/nurturing (/possibly maybe guilty) place which started when he realized EY was just a kid^^. in other words, HJ still bothers with EY out of a subconscious sense of responsibility/obligation in a way (a good way tho. or at least a way that gets better)
see, sth i struggle with is if HJ thinks he has to or wants to or thinks he should or can't just not help/care for EY. i can't exactly pinpoint where the sentiment is coming from. his face is too blank for me to read sometimes T_T
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to summarize: HJ is EY's goal, what EY wishes he could've been. and EY is HJ's 'responsibility' so to speak (bc 'burden' doesn't quite fit since HJ is there for EY willingly) -> EY has a positive opinion of HJ while HJ has a neutral opinion of EY (which is also gradually getting better)
note1: i think HJ's intention (maybe subconsciously) was to be to EY what HJ's upperclassman was to him. aka someone who's there when you need it and can help guide you. it would explain why HJ kept chasing after EY despite not really having a reason to and EY repeatedly rejecting HJ's care/help.
note2: i also believe the 'upper-under-classman' relationship dynamic fits them the best atm bc it also matches the way the story often singles EY out as he's the only second year (aka younger) of the 6 MCs.
-> Romance in No Home?
another thing i should mention is that No Home rarely leaves things open for interpretation. the deepest arguments EY&HJ had were always spelled out for us, to make us understand exactly what the problem was, and how there isn't a good guy and a bad guy. it's just two people with issuesTM.
from what we've seen in the story up to this point, i couldn't pick out a moment where i'd go "here! that's romantic! that's the moment they realized SomeThing!" yk
when it comes to romance specifically, i feel like a handful of opportunities were missed. there are scenes which could've easily been written trough a rosy lens but simply weren't.
exhibit A:

HJ was speechless bc "wow this mf really is actively picking a fight with an authority figure. i gotta make sure things don't escalate" not bc "hoLY sHiT hE's PreTTy. all his fangirls are on to something". however, this only becomes more clear when you keep reading the next few chapters, so i understand how you could interpret it as the latter.
exhibit B:



here they got so close and the moment was so deep bc "woaa he said he believes me. no one's said to me that before!". unfortunately, EY was panicking too much for it to mean something bc of the guilt he felt for HJ trusting someone so undeserving of trust like EY.
exhibit C:

this is maybe the closest we got to romantic between these two. i think this might be the only (or at least first) ever deep interaction between them that didn't end in a fight or misunderstanding. is it meant to be romantic tho? -> ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
-> what do i think?
first, full transparency: i went into reading this story fully expecting it to be a BL and for EY&HJ to end up together. but the more i kept on reading, the more i got the ick thinking about them being in a (romantic) relationship bc, at least from what we've seen so far in the story, their relationship would be so ToxicTM (which i personally don't enjoy reading).
as they are right now, i wouldn't want them to be together like that. like, honestly, you still can't really consider these two even friends; they just tolerate each other if the stars align correctly (altho, i'll admit, their relationship is gradually getting better!!). every big argument they had i thought "god, there's no coming back from that. i'd cut ties so quickly if was them wtf". i still don't know how they managed to keep on interacting, props to them ig.
there's a lot of unresolved issues between them. and a lot of resentment which would not bode well in a romantic relationship. the smallest argument would turn explosive and they'd be, at best, in an on&off type of relationship. they both have the power to break the other and neither would be afraid to use it. they have a lot of history together, which is not always pleasant, so if they ever were to go the romantic route, it would have to be a long way to go.
technically, i could see them in a romantic relationship if they both went to therapy first and talked out all the baggage they're carrying (both individual and shared). realistically tho, what i think will happen at the end of No Home is that either they never cross paths again after high school ends (which would absolutely break my heart Wanan pls don't), or they somehow (unintentionally) end up living together bc they both desperately needed a roommate to pay rent (which would be a hilarious fucking gag LMAO). just, HJ going to uni/work and EY doing his own thing (prolly an actor) while still cohabiting together; hanging out to watch a movie before bed <- (whether platonic or romantic being left up for interpretation)
<- -> in conclusion, from what we've seen up to this point, their relationship is mainly upper-under-classman; reluctant (maybe) friends who tolerate each other but also care (too) deeply. they've changed each other, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. in some ways they're compatible and in others they're not.
all this being said, their relationship is improving and romance between EY&HJ is not impossible, just rather unlikely imo. but, again, interpretation is subjective and u're welcome to read their relationship however you want.
#ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU ARE DELULU ENOUGH!! THAT'S HOW SHIPPING WORKS IN GENERAL. IN EVERY FANDOM.#anon. this shit fried my head. it 3.30am and my brain is not braining anymore. i love analyzing these two but goddamn is it HARD.#THERE'S SO MUCH NUANCE TO EVERY INTERACTION THEY HAVE *cry*#life's been hectic and this question demanded i sit down in 7 different sittings to get everything written down. hence why it took me a bit#i tried to write down all my thoughts and i don't think i managed. but i hope what i have here makes sense.#and i also hope i actually answered ur question. i feel like i got side-tracked and possibly missed the target.#no home#no home manhwa#eunyung baek#haejoon goh#ey hj parallels#meta#집이 없어#webtoon#god u guys have no idea how many times while reading i was like 'omg they're gonna kiss omg pls do'#only to keep reading and going like 'hoLY FUCK PLS DO *NOT*!! get away from him omfg!!'#the whiplash was fucking unreal. i remember honest to god SOBBING at 4am every time they fought <- that first time read was rough#also! if you agree/disagree/want to correct me or just talk about the topic i'm open to discussion/criticism. (just pls be nice abt it ><)#my ask box is open <3
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for the ship ask game, have you ever thought about simm!master/eleven? would you like to?
would i ever!!!!!!
this was the basis of one of my posts about little amy so long ago. a hypothetical s5 where the master sticks with the doctor after he regenerates. but like can we talk about how insane that dynamic between him and amelia, the literal eight year old, would be. look at me. one of the defining things of eleven's run is that the first face he saw was amy's. seared onto his hearts!!! now, imagine that happens in a world where the master did everything right to be that person, and it was still amy. the tardis crashed, and the doctor went one way and the master went the other, and by the time the master drags himself soaking wet out of what was the swimming pool and into amelia's garden, the doctor is already having dinner with some random human child.
things simm!master is not above: being a little bitch to amy about this. yes, even when she's eight. (amelia pond with her stories about her magical raggedy doctor!! ...and the trash rat who crawled out of his time machine after him and threatened to eat her. wait okay hold on i know im getting distracted here but aslkjdalkjsd rory who amy makes dress up as the doctor vs mels who insists on dressing up as the master because she craves violence and an excuse to bite people.)
ANYWAY. god. eleven who is this bottomless well of grief and rage. and the master who is so much like him in this incarnation. silly goofy guys who burn too bright, burn up everything and everyone around them. what is simm!master if not a version of eleven untempered by kindness. i wonder what the master would have to say about a version of the doctor who is aware of how scared people are of him and uses it to his advantage. who scares the rest of the universe so much that they try to lock him away and kill him and do anything they can to get rid of him. when they lock the doctor up in the pandorica, does the master give him the final shove into the chair or is he a few feet away, just barely restrained, impotently snapping and snarling to prevent this?
but never looking at it directly, right? neither of them would be able to. not at what's between them, not at what came before. if you don't talk about that time you both saved each other, then maybe you can pretend it didn't happen.
i think the master would make eleven worse, no doubt about it. i think eleven might just make the master a little better, and he'd hate that but that wouldn't stop it from happening. they might find some sort of equilibrium, just this once, a little willing to bend in the aftermath of the events of the end of time. that part of the master that will be missy one day wakes up. the part of the doctor that was once the time lord victorious gets a last glorious breath. they can have that, together.
okay. okay. one last thing. gets ill thinking about eleven who is so physically affectionate being that way with the master. with mr 'im going to kiss my wife i married for political gain like im starving'. with mr 'time lord telepathy does not require physical contact but if we don't touch foreheads right now ill die'. with mr 'fuck u but also im gonna die in your arms, don't leave or let me go before everything falls quiet.' thinks about eleven touching him and hugging him and kissing him and- thinks about the master recoiling from it, hackles raised, or shoving the doctor away when he does. thinks about the doctor not stopping. thinks about the master getting accustomed to his touch, taking it greedily. (thinks about missy kissing the doctor to greet him later.)
yeag <3
[put any ship in my ask box and i’ll give my brutally honest opinion]
#ask#oh for fucks sake i didnt even touch on the doctor saving gallifrey i didnt even-#no no look at me look at me. day of the doctor with simm!master also there tagging along like clara does#because that's his home too. but that's where he was *used*. that's where he was made into a tool to be discarded. *diseased.*#the doctor is thinking about the children. the master is thinking about being one of those children and how much it *hurt*.#he's selfish. of course he is. the doctor is too. that's why he decides he gets to choose whether gallifrey lives or dies.#let the master get angry with him for deciding he chose wrong the first time.#let him get mad at undoing their inheritance as the last of their kind! the doctor fought him so hard to make sure the master couldn't#fix this his way. but the doctor gets to fix it his?#also ten here with simm!master pre-eot. ough. gah. HHWAH. i thought you were dead.....#elated horrified confused to see him. ohhohoho let eleven be a little mean to his old self. let him step between the master and ten.#casually. you know. but also keeping them apart. he's cruel to himself like that. he really is.#anyway. the master arguing for gallifrey to burn. the doctor arguing back for it to be saved. and all the things they won't say that the#argument is *actually* about. and send.
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Me: so everyone I know is growing up or moving on to better things and I'll have to learn how to be alone with myself
Me: alright I can do this
Me: yeah, yeah I got this, I've been getting so good
Me: hey I actually really like having the house to myse-
Me: (proceeds to have abandonment issues worse than a preschoolers first day of school and runs around the house like a kid that lost their parent at the grocery store)
#okay but nobody understands what its like when you are disabled with this too#luckily im not entirely helpless but its terrifying to be left alone when you get seizures and dislocate your legs and struggle to walk#but i cant tell nobody especially my mom cause she just finished her phlebotomy course and i know she'd trash her dreams for me#i love her too much to be thst selfish. she has fought hard to get through her externship and im so proud of her#but also. its scary being alone. any friends are always busy too and here i am sitting in my bed feeling like shit. i hate being so pathetic#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually obsessive
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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Bump in the Night & Nevertober Day 8: The Darkness before Dawn & Pearls
#6#Bump in the Night#Bump in the Night 2024#Lavender Jack#Lavender Jack Webtoon#Webtoon#hellloooooooooo here’s today’s piece#This was gonna be Sawyer from the Shiloh fanfic “Dawn” by 0wlofAth3na (I believe)#But uhhh that fanfic got taken off A03 and I just had a hard time drawing Sawyer#So y’all get Mimley#I realized he stayed up practically all night the night of the masquerade ball hosted by the secret fraternity#Like he went there fought the note found Theresa rowed to the Margravine Club kissed Johnny fought off veils talked with Johnny#Went to Van Lund’s apartment and then went back to Bastrop Manor#So I believe this was at some point before dawn#they were inside for this panel so I couldn’t really tell but uh yeah#here him is#see you tomorrow!!#EDIT I DIDN'T FORGET THE NEVERTOBER NO I DIDN’T MMM MHMMM
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Didn't get to smoke before work this morning (also not at all confident I took my meds) and while I'm managing the immense stress of the day (hello three new projects) rather well I'm reminded that the ritual of a spliff and a cup of coffee does in fact help keep my teeth dull and my temper subdued
#asked my fellow hiring committee members one of whom is my supervisor if i was really the only person who liked one candidate#and was blatantly honest that I think the issue at hand is the ego/insecurities of the man who oversees this role/department#and we have to toe the line of choosing someone good for the job and who wont be bullied by him/clash with him 24/7#and id been shocked that i was the only one who saw potential in one or two candidates and ultimately i think it's due#to the fact im less willing to let the supervisors insecurities/ego play a role in this. and i said as much#and the response was a laugh and 'well shit everyone duck for cover he might hear us james is getting nasty '#and I'm not really im just tired of pretending like that isnt the core of the issue here. his ego has been wounded for the whole o last yeat#*year and now he's continuously making it everyone else's problem and whomever gets this role with be the Andy to his Miranda#except he has so little to offer in terms of real guidance i feel. hes going to bully and boast and be petty to whomever gets chosen#but any attempt to say that to leadership will get waved away ultimately because he's leadership and he's fought to get his own admin#so rather than get someone with a diverse and varied skill set who can match him in work and intensity#we'll end up with some kid who probably cant set boundaries and will get steamrolled completely#so yeah im irritated by the whole process. and my lack of meds today is making it hard to play nice about it
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The thing is I really fucking want to work. I joke about being self unemployed and all that but I don't know what to do with this free time and I'm terrified of what not being able to work means for me. At some point in a month or two I'm gonna try and get a part time job and I know it's gonna fall apart. But at least then I know. Know I'm fucking useless and will never make enough money because of this fucking body of mine. I'm trying so hard to be positive but this fucking sucks. I'm too disabled to work unless i have a miraculous recovery and at some point I'm gonna have to suck it up and apply for benefits and go through that hell.
I spent over a decade fighting depression, dyslexia, bullying and just a eduction system hostile to me, and I was so close! Despite everything I had suffered up till that point I was on track to get a great graduate scheme and work my way up an engineering company, but then all that was ripped from my hands. My friends got them, and I'm left behind. I was just as smart, as clever, as passionate, and I'm facing the liklihood that I can never work, more than maybe a very flexible short shift position after years of management and recovery. My life was ahead of me, but it's been fucking stolen from me.
#Sorry I just need to get it out#I fought so hard to prove myself over and over and its all for fucking nothing#HELL#If I didn't push myself so hard. Maybe my body would be in better condition#If I took peoples words about how I would never be anything. Just a lazy little bitch who's fucked in the head#i'm scared#And I'm so fucking angry at what's been taken from me#As I watch my freinds pass me by as they escape into jobs#While I'm stuck here#I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET OUT AND GET OPPORTUNITIES AND ITS FOR NOTHING#Rotting away on the streets where was born or rotting away in this place that I'm now trapped in#Fuck sorry#It wasn't meant to be like this#It was meant to go right for once
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funniest part about watching the shitty netflix adaptation of mob psycho w the server was that we had predicted the big plot twist of the show within three episodes, but we just had the person wrong. like we were one step off from getting it in one go and it was HILARIOUS
#ignorance cloud on#mp100#i will spoil it here but basically there was this recurring takoyaki stand guy who was giving mob better advice than literallt reigen#and within the first two or three episode we were already saying ‘this has gotta be someone important’#we had thought (as a joke but also real) it was gonna be toichiro. it wasn’t it was ishiguro and p much once seventh division arc started#we had figured that out. but shouts fucking out to my toichiro takoyaki truthers out there we fought hard#we wanted it SO BAD. YOU DONT GET IT. IT WOULDVE BEEN HILARIOUS#also for absolutely no reason they gave toichiro a limp in flashbacks. like what’s going on with that
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So, this is gonna be a bit corny but.. Thank you. Just thank you.
I wish to thank everyone who has left a kind comment and shown their love for my character designs and just my art in general... I wish to thank everyone that engages with my stuff. I with to thank everyone for just everything. It means so much to me that people take the time of their day to appreciate and share my work. And it even means more to me whenever people want to know more about my designs and interpretations of the characters. (I'm unfortunately too shy and too ashamed to share much but.. Maybe someday..) I'm so grateful whenever people talk to me and stuffs..
You are all are such kind souls and all your sweet and loving words have touched me deeply. I truly appreciate the support and I am extremely grateful for everything that has happend the past months. (time flies by so fast.)
Not just that, but I also appreciate the people I met during that time. I want to take a quick moment to express my gratitude for the amazing friends and mutuals I've made over the past few months. You all have made such a positive impact on my time being here and I truly appreciate your presence and support.
Thank you for being there for me and for sticking around. I feel lucky to have you all in my life and I'm excited to see where our friendships go from here!
Thank you.
#I don't wanna get too much into detail but basically. I distanced myself a lot from posting my work online. for several years actually.#I was really scared of having public accounts. end of 2021 I kinda allowed myself to be public again though I.. still didn't post much al#about my stuff. that only started way late in 2022. I'm so happy people are so kind to me. I'm glad I'm safe. that's all that's the post.#I fought so damn hard to be here and I'm so glad it's paying off so hard right now#so much good is happening right now. karma is finally getting to me and I'm talking about the good one.#wallybrabbles#too much
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have been listening to florence and thinking about olivia benson being partnered with elliot stabler, patron saint of lost causes
#inescapable#something about elliot and olivia trying to very hard to be Better right now#trying to heal to find each other#it’s brutal isolation and an unnecessary fight#they have never been perfect#but there has always been love#they have always understood what the other needed in the darker moments#it’s been a long time and for so long they have fought in solitude#but now they need each other#(elliot knows this now of course which is why he’s leaving her yearning voicemails and tearing up at a 7 year old photo of her but)#(it takes two)#anyways#that brings us here#to#i was on the island you were there too somehow in the storm i couldn’t get to you#yadda yadda#eo
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woke up feeling salty
#ooc tbd.#I just don’t think we can have the female oc convo without also including nb muses getting put in the back burner for cis male muses too#bc I have had that unfortunate experience for fucking#six years now?#I have fought so hard for every bit of traction I’ve gained and it has barely added up#I’m so grateful to the people who’ve given me a chance and have stuck around#but it’s not the amount of people that would have if io wasn’t so explicitly NOT a man#the times that I DID have more attention interest was when I tried to be more lax about pronouns and shit#and that was miserable#how can you look at me exclusively using they then pronouns every day all day for every response#and still willfully misgender my muse#and every time I’ve made a point of going out of my way#to point at io with a neon sign that says NOT A FUCKING MAN followers would drop like flies#so I think I have every right to be salty about this#negative tw#misgendering tw#I’ve made a lot of mistakes with them in the past and was a pushover#and I’m happy where I’m at now#bc their gender is respected#but god I still think about my experiences here a lot#and I try not to be salty I really do but.#and I’ve written female ocs too I’m not trying to belittle that conversation I just think that nonbinary and trans muses need included#in that convo too#or should be talked about the same way
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(pretty long thread rip)
I should be studying for tomorrow but instead I am restless and overthinking and thinking to myself about how there is so much wrong in approaching love from the perspective of trying to be liked and trying to be loved and trying to be good and trying to stick people to yourself with duct tape made of gifts and nice jokes and sweet words because well, it's not only tiring but they will leave in the end anyway, and loving and being loved is supposed to be rest and peace and a sound mind and the more you try the less you achieve any of that! Except I'm my mother's and father's child so I still do it anyway and hang around and try again and cling until it's dead because otherwise it all really hurts but it hurts anyway so
Just dgaf. And if you do then pretend you don't until you convince yourself and restrain your hands so they can't reach out to anyone once they turn their back on you and just. Let people live with their own decisions. I want so hard to be loved that I am making myself disposable like a used rag and for what? It's all gonna be good one day with or without anyone else
#i am perhaps just rambling to myself here#but i am tired of that tendency that was baked into me to try to get anyone to stick around#i remember when my first ex broke up with me i spent literal months clinging to her and trying to negotiate some kind of universe#where we would still talk and be as close as we were before#and she didn't wanna hear#until she did but we eventually distanced and when i moved on she was so upset and i wondered why because? you left me?#and i fought so hard to keep you there but you made your decision and now you're upset at me for moving on?#and the second time around i wasn't any better at it either#and only recently am i realizing that the reason she was so upset at me moving on was because i made myself so reliable#with those stupid promises that I'd be in her life always no matter what happened#and why would I do that? i always cling to people because they matter to me#and they always realize i matter to them once i move on already and am not willingly a part of their life anymore#and like sure i do attract people who tend to be assholes to me but it's on me as well#i am disproportionate in showing my care to people who don't return even 1/5 of it back#and when they get bored i am the one they call weird for that#so i really decided not even to listen to what I need anymore but only to what needs to be done and it's#just letting things go with the flow. i don't have to drag the dead weight of anything i try to keep on my shoulders#do i want to? sure. do i want to be as loved as i never am? i do of course i do#but i am trying too hard. and it's never gonna get me anywhere. because people only ever want me back in their life when i have moved on and#others value themselves more. others don't love anyone blindly so#i don't have to. even though i want. i don't have to#if you gift me a paper I'll gift you a paper. if you want to kiss me I'd want to kiss you too#and if you say you love me I'd love you back and if you forget my birthday I'll forget yours too and#if i hug you but am not hugged back i won't hug you again#i think that's the best way things can go when people are concerned#maybe this is a bit too transactional in a sense but i mean#it wouldnt be fair if it was unequal#if someone does everything for you and you don't return it then you are an asshole to them but#if you give and you aren't given you are a weirdo simply put#it's best if it's equal
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