augustatheghost

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thinking about “beloved mother” in all caps times new roman size 900 font and…do we think olivia chose this epitaph or did serena specify it in her will

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no sorry This? Rn ? right and now ?

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NOSFERATU (2024) dir. Robert Eggers

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Kazuo Ishiguro - “Dream Techniques”

1. Unwarranted Emotion 2. Unwarranted Relationship 3. Delayed realization (ENTER/EXIT) 4. Odd postures—figurative postures + escaped metaphors 5. Placing 6. Weird Venues 7. Extended, tangential monologues 8. Distorted time frame 9. Unwarranted recognition of place 10. Private enclaves 11. Unwarranted familiarity with situation (or person or place) 12. Characters from foreign contexts 13. Characters continuing under different surfaces 14. Distorted Logistics 15. Transmuting Narrator 16. Partial invisibility (And odd witnessing) 17. Backward projection of Intentions 18. Bleeding with Memory 19. BACKWARD projection of Judgment 20. Restricted Witnessing 21. Tunnel Memory 22. The Dim Torch Narrative Mode 23. Crowds—Unwarranted Uniformity 24. Robert Altman [illegible] 25. (“More than I expected”) Unwarranted Expectation 26. MIXED PERSONALITY

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Law and Order: SVU | 23x03: I Thought You Were on My Side

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I just wanted to say that I love your fics! I really like how deeply you dwell on Elliot's thoughts and not just lustful ones :)

I want to know if while writing you ever think about the ten years Elliot was away? I feel there is so much we don't know and there is an assumption that 'Liv was facing trauma while Elliot was enjoying himself in Europe'. I think a lot about the hard choices he must have made to convince himself to never reach out. As per his conversation with Fin, he wasn't even in Rome for the first six years. We also don't know how he dealt with the catastrophy of losing his job and his partner, while still dealing with the trauma of having shot a teenager. I wonder how he coped with the loneliness and isolation of it all.

I know it sounds like a fic request but it really isn't. I would just love to hear your thoughts.

thank you for saying this! i miss writing for svu and hope to get back to it eventually. i really appreciate you reading (and liking!) what i have shared.  

what a question, my friend. i have thought about it. a lot.

you’ve opened a can of worms so bear with me…

it seems like whatever initial idea they had in mind for what-elliot-was-up-to was lost with ilene’s departure and the many showrunners since. when writing i don’t fill in blanks necessarily, but i do take we have been told and work backwards on what this tells us.

so here’s some of what we know:

elliot told fin in the aftermath of the shooting he went on a "walkabout," which always rang strange to me. where was this? how long was he gone? did elliot just set off or was this a program he found on booking dot com? a part of me thinks it was placeholder, something they could build on if/when they decided to go back to it. another part of me thinks it was a meloni idea, cause it just sounds like him. but ultimately what we are meant to take from this statement is that elliot left home and wandered like a man without a destination.  

at the hospital elliot tells olivia he and kathy were “happy.” …i’ll get back to this lol.

and, it was mentioned he returned to new york about four times. i know people were upset by this – i get it! – but i actually find it alarming considering 4 out of 5 of his kids still lived there. clearly he made a point to stay away as much as possible.

what does this all tell us about elliot? i think there are two parts to this answer: elliot’s grief over killing jenna, and elliot's feelings for olivia.

elliot killed a teenager, a victim, and what did he do? he left without a word. he cut people out of his life. he went on a “walkabout” (sure). he worked private security. he ended up back with the nypd and worked violent cases without telling his wife. basically: elliot ran. it was mostly effective until it wasn't because wherever you go there you are. then ten years later he decided the best way to return would be to surprise his long lost star-crossed emotional affair at her work award ceremony. i mean…no one’s perfect i guess but. not the behavior of someone who has even admitted to having trauma, let alone addressed it.

then there’s olivia. the loving her and leaving her. 

time to go back to “we were happy.” here’s the thing: i believe this! it's just not so plain. i think italy was a relief for their marriage. the daily tension created by the job was gone, kathy was spending fewer nights alone, they are in a new country - i'm sure there was less fighting. i'm sure there was joy in that time. and yet...kathy doesn’t believe elliot hasn’t spoken to olivia until OLIVIA confirms it. she doesn’t believe her own husband! she cries with relief! what does this tell us about the undercurrent that ran through those years of happy? how many times did olivia come up? what did those arguments look like?

the answer is the letter. a straightforward confession of love would have been fun, but would it be a surprise? we know elliot loves olivia. everyone knows elliot loves olivia. that admission in ink wouldn’t give us any further insight into him, his marriage, nor his time away. what we got instead reveals the conflict at the heart of those years…both for elliot and kathy. 

however elliot was behaving in that decade made his wife believe he was still in love with another woman. the distance, the silence, the time — it wasn’t proof enough. for kathy, going to the ceremony and writing that note is a hail mary. she is trying to find a way to finally finally give closure to this relationship. and of course, elliot went through with it because he wanted it to be true. he wanted to be a good husband. he wanted to have moved on and to be the kind of man who hoped olivia had moved on too. 

but then: it will always be you and i. yes, this is the deepest truth of elliot’s heart but it's the nature of the act that is most revealing. he didn’t just write that shit down, he wrote it as direct contradiction to what he knew he should feel. in contradiction to his wife’s wishes, to his vows, to his faith. he wrote it down because some part of him doesn’t want to erase that love. ten years away, ten years of happy (both real and imagined), and he is still holding on this dream there is a world where he and olivia are side by side. ten years away and he walks back into the crossfire of the job. this is what we know about elliot.

all that being said yes i do wish we knew more – but based off what we do know, i agree that "elliot was off being happy in europe" is reductive. the path to his return proves it wasn't that simple. and that’s okay because olivia’s 10 years weren’t all bad. she became a mother, she fell in love. her life did open up and bloom. to me, this is the beauty - that these two people are still connected, still one and the same after all the time and joy and pain they experienced apart. they still find their solace in only each other. i think it’s romantic to be loved for every version of yourself, don’t you?

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seeking, yearning, reaching hands

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Carmen Maria Machado, In the Dream House

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Claude Monet House and Gardens

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MY CHILDHOOD DRAGS BEHIND ME LIKE A DEAD BODY. — a study in serena & olivia benson.

bell hooks, communion: the female search for love / law & order: svu, slaves / joe bousquet / law & order: svu, abuse / mitski, cop car / law & order: svu, bad blood / anne carson, glass, irony & god, ‘the glass essay’ / law & order: svu, intoxicated / gregory orr, the caged owl; “some notes on shadows” / law and order: svu, hammered / denise levertov, life in the forest; “soul-cake” / law and order: svu, payback / lidia yuknavitch, the chronology of water / law and order: svu, taken / gillian flynn, sharp objects / law and order: svu, bad blood / bethany webster, mother wound healing: why it’s crucial for women.

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Edward Hopper New York Movie 1939

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i would pay 1000 american dollars to see lindstrom’s face when olivia casually mentions she offered herself as a hostage

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finals (round 11)

THE TOP TWO MOMENTS IN THIS POLL WILL MOVE ON TO THE FINAL CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND NEXT WEEK!

descriptions under the cut

fault hallway -> did you really expect me to cause your death? what about your kids? what about me?

paternity hug -> elliot hugs olivia after she saves his wife and newborn child's life. mariska reacts + chris has opinions

ohio diner -> Kill a Man while Holding Hands