#i forget a lot LMAO i do it so infrequently

[doodlenab]

It's been a while since I tried painting or doing studies/life drawing, so last night I felt like chilling out and just quickly painting something from a reference!

Reference from Trueref

[your-ne1ghbor]

I don't know if you take drawing requests or not (seriously, I forgot, lol.) But I kind of want to see how your Starboy would interact with WG!Star.

Like would he be excited or scared cause WG!Star can get wild when he meets other Starboys. He'd be zipping around all over the place, I'm not sure if yours can handle it. 😅

P.S my Star is a hugger, so take that however you want. 😆

(I do take requests, I love drawing/answering your guy's questions even if it takes forever 💀)

AND ONG RASCAL I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS-

This took me a while to think about/draw since I saw them having a similar relationship to TKORAT Star with Orion, but still different enough from that. SOOO after long while of deep thinking, I figured out on how I would see them interact :3

So when they first meet, well, WG! Star ofc would get excited and start zipping around a lot to his potentially new friend. TKORAT Star starts asking a bunch of questions, starts pacing and moving around a lot, and starts talking so fast that you have no idea what the hell he is saying. Like buddy slow down 😭

Ofc besides that, I would see them relate on some personal levels with each other. First of all, on the lonely factor of their lives and confronting Magnus/Magnifico.

I thought that they would relate on the loneliness part of their lives in a way. From what I know about WG! Stars, is that they are basically like nomads, floating in the vast void of space and time. Ofc they would meet other stars, but it really looks more like a co-worker relationship than a long term friendship from my pov. I mean, what is the chance the star you just met is someone you will see again? Honestly kind of depressing. Poor guy 😢

For TKORAT! Star, (though I'm still figuring out the overall culture and lore of the stars) I also viewed it pretty much the same (though it could change after I figure out the star lore lmao). I mean sure, the other stars kinda treat Star Boy like their little sibling (i mean he technically is), but they aren't around enough to where someone could consider a friend. It is more like Teacher to Student type of situation.

Next it is confronting Magnus/Magnifico. Ngl, reading Chapter 7 and 8 was legit insane, hands up to Rascal 🙌

Although how I see TKORAT Star confronting Magnus being VASTLY different from what WG Star went though, the outcome is somewhat the same. Both through their rage later realize that they can't defeat Magnus/Magnifico. Even with their somewhat devine power that have (ie. Able to shapeshift, create objects out of thin air), it isn't enough to defeat him. They both basically got humbled by a guy who probably eats hair gel for breakfeast (aint no way he got his hair like that without proper hair treatment)💀🙏

Needless to say, they both can relate to that sort of pain they felt in those moments (I doodled them in their cosmic forms, though it is techically TKORAT Star's true form and it is also a draft)

Ok enough agnst 🙄, this duo would cause havok on Rosas.

Between them, there would be explosions....lots of explosions. And probably turning breads into talking cake creatures that beg you not to eat them. HORRIFYING...

Honestly imagine a whole group of pranksters showing up at your door (looking at the star boy gang for this). You're a goner man.

Cant draw WG! Star without hugging someone, am I right?

(And yes, my star boy doesn't know what a hug is. Like he has seen it, since he has seen mortals do that, he just doesn't understand why or know what it is called. Plus it is so infrequent of mortals doing that, which basically makes him forget hugging is a thing lol SUCH A UNCULTERED SWINE(srry couldnt resist lol) )

Anyways thanks for the ask Rascal! Again, sorry if it took so long, I was busy with school and also thinking deeply on their interactions with each other 🐀🐀

. . . . .. .

Shimmy shimmy yay shimmy yay shimmy ahhhhh

drank

falalala

drank

falalala

@signed-sapphire @oh-shtars @chillwildwave @rascalentertainments

@spectator-zee @tumblingdownthefoxden @dangerousflowerpanda

(sorry for tagging you guys again, just entering the silly hour (its 12 am by the time I wrote this))

[bilesproblems]

genuine question. not taking into account people with differing attraction orientations yk. how does the mpsec lesbianing work. bc as far as i know lesbian is just homosexual nonman? pls don't just be like "erm well that's not what lesbian means dumbfuck little radexclus bitch" i need an actual explanation that isn't just "because you're wrong lmao"

i hope this doesn't come off as rude im trying to learn i like knowing both sides of arguments and every time i try to get someone to explain i get attacked (not anon because i will forget that i put this in pls pretend im anon)

In the nicest way possible, do you think nonman is a single gender and not inherently inclusive of an mspec experience?

Mspec lesbians come in many forms, and as you've already accounted for SAM users, I don't need to go over that. But for others, the meaning varies. For me, I am not attracted to men, not sexually (well, not anybody sexually lol), not romantically. Platonic and aesthetic, totally. But as a romantic orientation (and sexual para-orientation) I am a lesbian, exclusively. I only feel attraction to women and various nonbinary genders, and I'm unsure of how I'd feel dating a bigender man but I think it would be alright as long as they were also a woman. But see here, the thing is, "various nonbinary genders" includes people who are separate from being women. This means that, while being fully and exclusively lesbian, it is inherently mspec and to imply otherwise is horribly enbyphobic and misgenders us all

For others that I know, it is an uncertainty. One feels attraction to women, men, and potentially elsegender people, but the attraction to men/attraction to people who are not women (depends on the person) is a lot more infrequent and/or weak, to the point where it's hard to even be sure if it's real attraction. In this sense, a bi lesbian would be somebody who feels like they're on the line between the two, or in a blurry area right between, and they aren't sure which they belong to.

For many... It's reclamation! Lesbian was fully nonexclusive for a long time. The movement that changed that was led by TERFs. It was not the natural progression of language, but a disgusting movement that aimed to remove bi women, trans women, butches, nonbinary people, and transmascs from being lesbians despite them all being historical parts of the community. I get why exclusive lesbians would want their own space and label, but we should have made a new one instead of taking over an existing one and kicking people out. A very small amount of bi people today are retaking their place as lesbians, because they never should have been kicked out in the first place

Also, many people don't like the nonman definition because "nonman" excludes bigender enby people and women from being lesbians just because they're also men. And it has racist origins as a term... It's not inherently wrong to use but many people do dislike it being imposed onto the definition of lesbian as such a large label because of that. I don't hate it, but I think it's kinda a bad definition... I need to rewrite my definition but lesbian is a word that deserves a definition that would make your English teachers proud, because it's such a loaded and beautiful word with so much history and variety in experience.

[wanderrlust0]

~.~

i love my bf lots, i do but !! there are certain instances bc the way that he IS i dont have the freedom i could have when it comes to who i wanna hang out with. i understand his concerns but D; cant a girl just hang out with any friend she wants. like with snow (their tumblr alias btw lol) weve been good friends for 2yrs now..and hes STILL threatened by them bc he knows i swing both ways and so does snow so this man swears somethings happening every time we hang out (which is very infrequent!!). he saw a guy comment on my ig post and one day i got a text from my friend with a similar name as the guy but he could only see the notif from across the table so he put those two together thinking it was the guy texting me and like noooo not the same person! i had to clear that up so quickly bc omg it was so wrong. i literally dont care about the guy. idk why he commented! people cant get enough of me i guess LOL jk but also the way he mentioned it.. we pulled up to chipotle, about to get our booritos/bowls for halloween, and he was like..are we okay? like wait huhh?wdym by that, ofc we are lol hes like nvm and i was like whatt you cant just say that & forget about it lmaoo and he asked if i was okayy like ME? man are YOU okay?? thats the real question. here i am perfectly fine&confused lol but yeah it wasnt until days later that he brought it up. ugh okay like one thing that annoys me is how longg he waits to bring up stuff he saw that bothers him instead of in that moment! like when i saw him get a snap notif and all i could see was a girl bitmoji and no name i brought it up to him right when he came back to his room. hell yeah i was scared to but i did ittt to get it out of the wayy so i didnt have to think about it all night and day! turns out it was just a story notif from antonio garza LOL so i was relieved obvi and we laughed. but also like why do you have notifs for her snap lmao but anyways, you see how i addressed it right awayyy like he needs to take some notes. ofc do it in a nice way! like no jumping to conclusions! omg theres a new development happening tho and he wouldnt believe it lol honestly neither can i. an old friend offered me an invite to join him and his gf to a diff light festival and said i could bring my bf and if its too awk we could go our separate ways LOL when i read the msg i wanted to scream with how crazy yet kinda funny it is considering everything weve been thru that is related to him being worried that im cheating. likeee…girl lemme tell you if things werent the way that they are, yeahh id consider going! either way i cant bc im not free that day but like knowing that this old friend of mine is fine with doing something like that & ESP knowing his gf is fine with that?! like it kinda puts things into perspective for me w how diff couples are when it comes to letting your partner do their thing and having that strong trust in each other. even if their partner makes a deal that they have to be there and you cant hang out alone. hey at least theyre open to it! my bf literally couldnt care less about meeting snow EVEN if it was with a fourth person there. i feel like hes a hard person to persuade bc once he feels something about a person he’ll keep it that way and if it does change then it takes lots of time. he knows this old friend of mine tho bc i went to school w him and we talked on tinder and went on a date while i was going on dates with my bf. LOL ik that sounds wrong. hear me out tho, me and my bf only went on 2 dates i think atp so we were not official at all. so i didnt dump him. me and this friend literally did nothingg intimate on this date lol the most we did was hug which wasnt too crazy bc he was a huge hugger. my bf is literally my first for everything besides a first date. he will most deffff feel threatened if i even mentioned that so thats off the table lmao but like it does sorta suck how this is the way it has to be:/ were going on six freakin years!!! like we are so old!!! we know each other like the back of our hand!! but i think he'll always be this way, unfortunately.

[purplesurveys]

1642

Was your childhood wasted by something? Normalcy, I guess. Everyone I went to school with had both parents at home everyday, so I thought I was weird, unfair, and confusing that my own dad worked abroad and my mom worked the graveyard shift. All the men in the duplex I used to live in either drank or smoked or both. Every time I went to a friend’s house and saw both parents or a family eating dinner together inviting me to eat with them, it was always a mix of “Why isn’t it the same at ours?” and “This is such a breath of fresh air.”

Would you rather die during an adventure or die like a normal person? When you say adventure, the way I understand it is like falling off a cliff or getting accidentally wiped out by a passing train lol. That said, I’d much rather die in a bed.

Have your parents ever put you on a diet? No, I’ve never seriously needed to be in one.

Have your parents ever tried to commit suicide? I had one threaten to do it but I hate that memory and try to never resurface it.

Do you have a gag reflex? Yeah.

Do you ever fantasize about trying drugs? ‘Fantasize’ isn’t the right word for it...it’s always been just a very vague curiosity to try it. Last year I got to try vaping cannabis oil or whatever the fuck it was and it gave me the most horrible reaction, so I don’t plan on ever taking drugs.

Have you ever put gum in someone’s hair? No, such a crappy thing to do.

Would you rather have sex before you’re married or wait till marriage? Well I didn’t, but it honestly doesn’t matter to me. If my hypothetical next partner wanted to wait, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Have you ever not gone to school, just because? So many times. I’ve done it for work too, albeit a lot more infrequently. Do you know anyone who can play the bagpipes? No, I’ve never even seen one in real life.

Have you ever let someone hit you? Playfully, yeah. In the rare times someone hit me intentionally, I always hit back.

Do you own a hand warmer? Absolutely no use for something like that here.

Do you have friends in other states/countries? They were my friends when they used to live here, but we’ve all grown apart since. We remain mutuals on social media but that’s as far as it gets.

Do you ever pay attention during church? Nah. I use the entire hour to daydream or think about what to eat for lunch.

Have you ever broke a window? Nopes.

When was the last time you freaked someone out? Yesterday because I had to give my mom the news that Cooper aggressively bit the entire lower half of my face and it wasn’t looking good. She was out having lunch with my grandma, so I felt super bad that I had to interrupt it the way I did, but then again it was a serious emergency and she would’ve probably been a million times more worried and angrier if I had waited for her to come home before telling her.

Have you ever gone on a date with a weirdo? No.

Who’s the last person you called a bitch? Probably my sister but it’s always as a joke or as a filler word.

Do you drink kool-aid? I’ve never had it before.

Have you ever dropped something hot on your foot? YES, tteokbokki sauce that was fresh out the microwave. Pain you wouldn’t believe, lmao.

Do you watch porn?: Yeah but it’s on a very once-in-a-while basis. I’ll watch if I’m in the mood for it, which isn’t often in the first place. Have you ever missed someone you hated? No. Bridges burned remain burned.

Is anyone in your family disabled? I have an aunt with Down syndrome.

What do you want for Christmas? I just ask for anything BTS-related lol but I always encourage them not to get pressured and to just get knockoffs because it’d be hard to accept authentic (i.e. EXPENSIVE) merch. If they don’t wanna bother with BTS or find it hard to pick a gift, I just ask for either food or soju hahaha.

How many moles do you have? Off the top of my head I can count 6, but I could be forgetting others.

Do you make your bed everyday? Almost never these days. My bed is super near the ceiling and I ALWAYS hit my head, much to my annoyance. Making my bed would give me 847548934 more bumps so...eh. The good thing about it is since the bed is super high up you can never see my blanket unfolded and my pillows in a heap and all, so I’m honestly unbothered about not making my bed as much anymore.

Do you know how to ride a bike? I don’t.

Do you own any comic books? I have a couple from my super short-lived comic book phase, but I haven’t touched them in years.

What is the nastiest dare you have ever committed? Eating a siomai off the ground. 

Do you know anyone who has been raped? Yep.

Are you an atheist? Yes.

Have you ever owned a goldfish? I did as a kid, yeah.

Who was the last person to call you beautiful? Not sure.

How many times have you been stung by a bee? Zero and I hope it remains zero.

What was the last flavor of gum you chewed? Can’t even remember the last time I had gum lol strawberry, I think?

When was the last time you used tape? This morning.

When was the last time you said fuck? Yesterday when I saw how much I was bleeding from Cooper’s bite and when it was slowly dawning on me that I had to abandon all my plans for the day and go to the hospital ASAP.

Have you ever stolen something? Maybe like a pen here and there, but never anything bigger than that.

What’s the last movie you watched? Decision to Leave. It wasn’t my cup of tea though so I was unable to finish. Sorry Namjoon.

Who’s the last person you watched a movie with? I watched ^ that alone.

Where were you yesterday at 5 PM? In the hospital getting five fucking injections and a skin test. Worst time.

Who would you like to kiss right now? Nobody but Korean idols I happen to have the biggest delusion towards loljk

When was the last time you had tic tacs? Years ago.

When was the last time you ate chicken? Last Friday when I had a chicken sandwich.

Who was the last person you told to ‘Shut the fuck up’ to? Probably Tae during his last live?? LOL

Why were you last nervous? Yesterday because I was told that not only 1) did I need to get five injections, and 2) my HMO doesn’t cover animal bites. Everything that happened yesterday was so stupid I feel like it was entirely a dream.

Whose pants did you last take off? Uh, just my own.

When was the last time you were disturbed? Yesterday.

Why did you last feel awkward? This morning. Context: I went to one of my clients’ events which was running the whole weekend – and there was one attendee who confirmed for today and I had to keep her company. 

Anyway, she was the one confirmation we had for Sunday so I didn’t have an excuse to ever leave her alone and start accommodating or small-talking other attendees LOL and it was a SUNDAY MORNING, so it was hard for me to keep the conversations coming, hard as I tried. There were a handful of moments we were just stuck in silence because she wasn’t so talkative herself.

When was the last time you got in a fight with your best friend? I don’t think I’ve ever quarreled with Angela since, like, grade school.

Have you ever asked someone for a tampon? No, I don’t use tampons.

Who was the last person you read a book to? I don’t think I’ve ever done that.

Who is the person you say the most naughtiest things to? Probably my ex.

Who was the last person to send you a letter? Andi.

Do you like cupcakes or muffins more? Cupcakes.

Have you ever pushed someone on purpose? Yep.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face? I definitely have, but only because I was hit first.

[dereles]

What are your favorite Sterek fics on archiveofourown?

Okay so here’s the deal! I’m mostly a podfic person, so most of my favorite sterek fics I actually listened to, rather than read. Because it’s a different experience that just reading the stories with your eyes, for those of these that I listened to as podfics, I’m gonna just go ahead and link the podfic. That being said, I know many people are not into podfic and that is totally cool, so if podfic is not your thing, just find wherever on the podfic page it says ‘Inspired by ______’ and click that to go to the original written work. Also be aware that I’m a lover of angst and my choices most definitely reflect that ehehe.

Safety in Silence

It’s a genius take on soulmates. Like 99% of soulmates fics are like, they meet, there is a mishap, they decide to give things a try and live happily ever after. Which is great and I thoughoughly enjoy. But this is like taking that and twisting it into years of delicious angst. I think about this fic SO frequently.

Stand Fast in Your Enchantments

Sterek with nonverbal communication is actually my favorite thing ever (see also: Don’t Speak, later on this list). It’s just so good and I won’t spoil it but you’ve got magic Stiles and shifted Derek and it’s just incredible.

The Threat of Human Sacrifice

The most tender Derek Hale of all the Derek Hales. Mpreg, but listen I don’t read mpreg all that often and this is still one of my all time favorite fics in ANY fandom I’ve been in. If you listen to it, do yourself a favor and make sure you listen to the chapters in order (unlike a CERTAIN DUMBASS. ((me.)))

Misfire

Do I still, not infrequently, fall asleep imagining different ways this could’ve gone? Yes. All of the stiles-briefly-goes-back-in-time fics that I’ve read have been great, but this one. Ohhhhh this one. So so so good. If the ending sits the wrong way with you, I’ve been told the sequel(s?) are meant to help with that, but aaaa it’s so good as is.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words (which actually DOES have a podfic that I’d highly recommend, but since it’s still unfinished, that’s a link to the finished text.)

The longest fic on this list by far, but WOW it doesn’t even feel like it. As you might expect, it’s pretty slow burn, but it’s a rare find in that it is super long, but also interesting the whole way through AND cohesive. Extremely enjoyable read for me. Magic Stiles, mute Derek. (another one that features nonverbal communication)

No Homo

It’s a classic okay just go read it. Everything by this author is stellar and amazing. (Note, the author took her works off ao3, but the Podfic is there so this counts as being on archiveofourown lmao. If you want the written work I’ll find a link for you elsewhere)

Also it’s been awhile since I read it but I’m pretty sure Don’t Speak deserves a place on my favorites.

I fall, I fall, I falter is the short/smutty fic I reread the most because I fking love angst. (Not the happiest ending though fair warning. Not like BAD, but ya know.)

Also if we’re talking smut, I don’t really go in for non-con but I DO go in for dub-con, and Lap Magnet and Build an Ivory Tower are just *chefs kiss*

Also I think about Sell Your Body to The Night quite a lot. One of those really great fics that’s long AND has a variety of detailed smut but also an actual plot that makes you care about them.

I also love Blushing Pretty for something a little sweeter.

Being Found and sequel Finding I think are really special cause I really love how intimate they are.

And I’ll stop with Second Chances which is really short and sweet and I liked it so much I recorded it! It was my first public podfic!

I could literally go on forever (and I realize many of these are sterek classics so if you were looking for slightly lesser-known fics I can add to this lol). There are definitely some I’m forgetting too, if I remember I’ll add them. Enjoy!!!!

[arianadevareux]

I posted 109 times in 2022

84 posts created (77%)

25 posts reblogged (23%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@lenas-oc-chronicles

@zalera8310

@ariana-maryse

@tawneybel

@arianadevareux

I tagged 108 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#anon message - 38 posts

#get to know me - 23 posts

#ask game - 23 posts

#anon ask - 11 posts

#self reblog - 10 posts

#groovy-lady - 7 posts

#anon request - 6 posts

#update - 6 posts

#willy wonka - 6 posts

#mommymilks - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 65 characters

#i need to link this blog to my writing ones but i keep forgetting

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Ooh! Oooh! Oooh! You know who's sooo hot??? Jack Davenport!!!

Yess omg. His character in PotC is a big part of the fic I've got planned for it, too. I've only seen him in that series and The Talented Mr. Ripley. I should watch more of his work.

He's got that, like, teacher that you're hot for thing going on. Know what I mean?

18 notes - Posted July 3, 2022

#4

Why wouldn't you date?

WAIT I NEVER SAW SPY KIDS so I'm going off of what I gathered from the Wiki.

(Didn't know Alan Cumming was in the movie lookin hot as hell. I'mma watch it because everything I've seen of this movie is nothing but gold.)

I wouldn't date Fegan Floop because his name is Fegan Floop. Like bro lmao. Come on.

Send me a character and I'll tell you why I wouldn't date them!

20 notes - Posted March 5, 2022

#3

No thoughts, just Colin Firth.

Approved.

46 notes - Posted June 30, 2022

#2

Yandere!Melina Vostokoff x Fem!Reader Headcanons

(For @mommymilks - Happy Birthday, boo!)

SFW

No surprise here, but Melina would absolutely use her tech to keep tabs on you at all times. She'd always know where you are, who you're with, and everything about anyone you know.

She'd love to call you little pet names - my love, my darling, my pet, etc. But she would always preface it with, "my."

If someone gets too close or threatens to keep you from her, Melina wouldn't be above using the mind control substance to keep them in line. If they continue, she has a lot of tools at her disposal to get rid of them.

She's also not above using it on you, if need be. She'd struggle with it for a while, but she'd rationalize her decision by reminding herself that she's doing it to keep you safe. To keep you hers.

NSFW

Melina would show her obsession with you through body worship. She'd touch and kiss every part of you, reminding you of how beautiful you are.

She'd be into edging you a lot. She'd want to prolong the experience as long as possible; the two of you alone together, you calling out her name. Absolute bliss.

Melina would also enjoy orgasm denial. Not only would it tie into edging, it'd give her a reason to praise you - calling you her good girl when she finally lets you finish. "Come for me, my darling."

She can be a mild exhibitionist - depending on where you are/where you're going. She'd love to use a remote controlled vibrator on you in public on occasion. Just knowing that she can get you off while others are around, wishing they could even touch you, would bring her great pleasure. Plus, you'd look so cute trying to hide what's happening.

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116 notes - Posted April 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Imagine...

Reuniting with your childhood sweetheart, Willy Wonka, during the factory tour.

(For @groovy-lady)

"Y/N, you simply won't believe the news!" Your friend, Mrs, Bucket, chirped excitedly as the two of you met up to run errands together. The two of you had worked together previously, and she became a good friend to you despite the infrequency of your contact.

"What is it, Hellen?"

"Charlie's found it - the last golden ticket! Isn't it exciting?" She was more animated than you'd seen her in a long time, and she continued quickly. "I was thinking - and forgive me if this is too bold, but, I was thinking... perhaps you could take him for the tour?" And then you saw it - the mischievous glint in her eye.

Hellen knew a secret that you'd told few others - you'd known Willy Wonka when the two of you were children, and had been an item for much of your youth.

"I understand if you can't, or don't want to. I just thought... Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's silly." You told her you would think about it, and she didn't mention it again as you went onto your errands.

After that, it seemed as if you somehow saw more of his name everywhere you went; advertisement and news articles. Of course it was the fervor around the contest, but nonetheless you couldn't escape the ghost of your past. It was a pleasant ghost, at least.

There was a form to send in before the tour, giving the names of the chaperones. You'd kept it visible, and quickly penned your name down before the deadline.

It all happened so fast - Hellen asked, you agreed, and in the blink of an eye you were standing at the gates with Charlie by your side. And then the moments dragged until Wonka himself finally emerged. He looked very different, of course, but yet somehow still the same. The other guardians were quick to rush up to introduce themselves and their children, but he hurried through them until he got to you.

"And Y/N. I was looking forward to seeing you most of all. You do remember me, don't you?"

The candy maker lit up when you told him that you did remember him, grinning wide and looking much like the boy you'd known long ago.

"I named one of my chocolates after you, you know. And I'll tell you a secret - it's my most favorite creation." He paused only a moment before continuing, "come, I've got such marvelous things to show you."

He held out his arm for you to take, paying no mind to the other chaperones as he lead the group inside.

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119 notes - Posted July 14, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[alien-ally]

place to be aggressively loveless and also post about the shows and characters i love without regrets

In short, apart from being an aspec safespace, as of late i’ve also started to post a lot about the shows/books (jbl mostly) i’m watching/reading as i don’t really want to set up another blog for it, new tag system is in place so consider checking that out!

Good day and do not take the intro too formally, as mentioned, i shall be posting about my very compelling interests infrequently. I've modified the intro too many times. Thought i should give a heads up regarding that in case you decide to follow me.

Welcome once again. This is going to be a wholly informal blog. Perhaps, a little unorganized too since I’ll mostly be posting on whim. (just that though. just the posting that’ll be spontaneous. the content will mostly be edited forms of stuff I write in my journal.) At first, I was thinking of watching tutorials to set this up (and I did a little) - but that’ll make it more complicated and I’m not going for that sort of an approach - so here we go. This is a casual, unprofessional blog containing the thoughts, musings and confessions(?) of an aroaceapl youngster. If it helps out even one other aspec like me, I’d consider my mission complete! As an informal blog, I'd be posting from my experiences and how I personally have it so none of my posts should be taken as a basis of definition or generalization for any of the mentioned identities. Will be posting irregularly.

If you're someone that makes it a point to search up the aspec tags and comment absolutely uncalled for aphobic shit on our posts, do not interact. As if you're going to listen to me, thank you.

P.s infrequently there'll be cryptic writings and out of topic posts, look out ᵔᴥᵔ

the blog has begun to slowly deviate and branch out into all things late night me but it'll always be primarily my aspec safe space so if you like the sound of that, consider staying<2

Are you greyapl too? Got any unique/weird takes on friendship? Share it with me or hit me up thru text, would love it.

(tagging #aa mine for my posts and some important reblogs)

new tagging system unlocked! just realized my knick-knack tag is in chaos cause i keep forgetting i use the hyphenated one, will get to fixin it one day

skate's strokes: resisdent aspec, 'actual motivation behind setting up blog' posting (+crafting posting)

thingamabob: showposting i.e bl

bobblehead: the more poignant, longer random posting

knick-knack: inconsequential random things that happen to me, i.e when it rains etc.

Much warmth. Stay safe everyone!

p.s also lmk if u think my pfp needs a renewal lmao. been wondering if it's become too bland. Text me randomly and I'll reply within a week if I'm not too stressed :))

[esperanzacboronial]

“Child of Calamity and Light, born to bring salvation to the world.”

Elmer C. Albatross + epithets 

[eldritchsurveys]

977.

How old are you? >> 33.

Do you live in North America? >> Yes.

Do you love dogs? >> I do love dogs. I teeter on the fence constantly about whether I would actually want to take custody of one or not, though. What I truly want is a trained support dog -- not a full service dog, because I don’t need that level of assistance, but I guess “emotional support animal” is the term I’m looking for even though that’s gotten a bit fraught lately. Once I saw a video (which was weird to watch because it felt a bit voyeuristic, but hey) where a person was having a meltdown and the dog came and prevented them from harming themselves, and I think I could greatly benefit from that as opposed to having to hope that Can Calah (who has no real power over the body 99.8% of the time) can stop me.

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? >> The first movie came out in 2001, which means I was 14 at the time.

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? >> I never had any.

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? >> I don’t have an opinion.

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? >> I’ve watched a fair bit of it, because of the New Year’s marathons.

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? >> No, Converse shoes are uncomfortable for me.

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? >> No, I just have a pair with white polka dots because that was all I could find at the store at that time. I want to get a cute pair at some point but I keep forgetting (and I use them so infrequently that it doesn’t even seem to matter now -- snow boots are far more important here).

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? >> Apple. We’re out of them, though.

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? >> I can’t do a backflip, anyway. So, cartwheel by default.

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? >> Yeah, many times.

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? >> I wanted to be the goths. Unfortunately, I had very little control over what I was allowed to wear, do, or listen to, so...

What size is your mattress? (single,twin,double,queen,king) >> Twin.

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? >> No.

Would you rather watch a movie in theater or at home? >> Right now, at home 100%. Usually there will be a few movies that I would choose to see in-theater because I want the big-screen experience, and also because I like making An Event out of things sometimes by having to actually go out somewhere to experience them.

Do you prefer brown or white rice? >> I use white rice most often. I’m not sure if brown rice would taste the same in coconut rice (which is the kind of rice I eat most often)... should try it sometime just to see.

Do you like spaghetti? >> Not especially.

What about lasagna? >> It’s all right sometimes. I just don’t eat a lot of pasta, period.

Do you celebrate Christmas? >> Yes.

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? >> No, this country’s Thanksgiving is in November.

Do you like chocolate bars? >> Not usually.

what about ice cream? >> I don’t dislike ice cream as much as I just never have a taste for it (and I’m particular about flavour).

Have you ever been stung by anything?What was it? >> No.

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? >> I do have natural brown hair.

Or were you born blonde? >> Not even close.

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? >> Yeah, I have several greys. I can’t wait to grow more, it’s my favourite hair colour.

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? >> No.

Have you ever been screened for STDs? >> Yeah.

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? >> No, I still have them all. The dentist suggested getting them pulled because one of them was starting to have an issue of some sort, but like... “starting to have an issue” (and only one of them, besides) isn’t enough motivation for me to get four whole teeth pulled.

Did you have your tonsils taken out? >> No.

Did you have your appendix taken out? >> No.

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) >> I haven’t donated a kidney.

Would you(to save someone)? >> If it was viable, sure, why not.

If you were dying of starvation, would you eat another human? >> I can’t imagine what it would be like to be starving, so I can’t rightly say what I would do. That sort of extreme survival situation turns you into a whole different person, I can’t speak for myself in that state until I actually know what it’s like. (I have no current moral objections to it, though, so I’m assuming I’d have less trouble eating a person than someone who finds it repugnant in normal circumstances.)

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? >> No.

Do you like Harry Potter? >> I thought it was all right. I liked certain characters and plot concepts, specifically, and mostly ignored the rest of them (including... the main characters, lol). Now I have even less interest in it after watching JKR get radicalised in real time, not gonna lie. (Still reppin’ Slytherin from Malfoy Manor, though! :p)

What about Twilight? >> I never got into that, the first book bored me.

How do you feel about Lord of the rings? >> I think it’s an amazing and intricate and delightful story. But I didn’t read it, lmao. Too much book and far too much exposition in said book for my interests. The movies are what I’m into.

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? >> I saw the whole trilogy. I never did get around to reading the book, but I’ll probably do so eventually (after my reread of Silmarillion, which comes first!).

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? >> I don’t. I have a glass that says “Guinness” on it, though. And my name.

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? >> No.

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? >> Black or stainless steel, I’m quite done with white fridges and I never want to see one again.

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? >> I assume my foot is average.

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? >> No, I’m a picker.

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? >> No, I don’t have allergies.

Are you on the birth control pill? >> Yeah. It’s more like the dysphoria control pill, for me.

Or are you trying to get pregnant? >> I would never.

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? >> Black, because they’d match with everything I have. I’m sometimes tempted to get funky sneakers but the novelty wears off so quickly.

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? >> Sure.

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? >> Most likely not. Also, I’m a day-drinker, not a night-drinker, because I don’t like things messing with my sleep.

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr.Dressup”? >> No. But I’m so glad Lane got to take a survey that had Canadian stuff in it instead of being inundated with common USian bullshit for once xD

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? >> ---

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? >> I didn’t.

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? >> I can’t recall having any health problems whatsoever as a child.

What are those 'said’ health issues? >> ---

Do you collect DVDs? >> No.

Do you download music? >> No.

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? >> I haven’t bought a CD in at least a decade.

[redeadepression]

this is a weird ask 😂 how do you think the gang members sneeze?? there’s that post about how Arthur probably has a total dad sneeze and I had this idea that John probably has an absolutely adorable sneeze lmao! thoughts?

Omg I love this!

Arthur would for sure have a Dad sneeze. Like huge, loud, scares everyone. It’s basically a bark. Followed by the BRrrRRrrrRRRrrRrrRR of him blowing his nose. Dutch would be the same, lets be real.

I think John would have a really quick sneeze that’s weirdly snot free. Like no need to blow his nose after. Just lots of small quick ahchoos. Kind of sounds like a cough. 

Hosea rarely sneezes. Like, it’s so infrequent that people forget he can. He probably has the most normal sneeze of them all too.

Bill has a really annoying sneeze. It’s super loud and it really drags on. It sounds super exaggerated but it’s actually not.

Sean has a sneeze that sounds like a little explosion. Like if you were to just vibrate your lips. His sneeze is literally just that without any other sound. Kind of like a dog sneeze.

Micah sneezes like AhhPPRo. Like really hits on the “P” that shouldn’t even be there.

Charles has loud man sneeze, similar to Arthur and Dutch but no nose blowing after and there are always at least 3 in quick succession. He never sneezes just once.

I don’t even know who else to do? All of the women kind of sound the same except for some reason I imagine Mary-Beth really suffers with hay fever so she’s always blowing her nose the poor thing. 

[minyoongijjangjjangmanboongboong]

Dissonance Chapter Twelve

Description: After spending a year studying abroad in America, Y/N returns to Seoul hoping to greet the familiar city as a new girl. But what will she do when she’s met with old friends she’d rather forget? It seems the strings of fate are determined to test her resolve…and her willpower.

Genre: Fluff and Angst

Pairing: Taehyung x (f) Reader

Word Count: 12.5k

Tags: Badboy!Taehyung, Non-Idol!Au, Rockband BTS!Au, Bassist Taehyung!Au

Warnings: Swearing and mentions of alcohol, although infrequently

A/N: Hi! We have returned with the long chapters haha. I’m pretty certain you guys are gonna like this chapter lmao. I’m happy with the way it turned out! Ahhhh, and if you guys want a few music recommendations for reading this chapter, I’ll leave them below the Author’s Note. As always, please don’t hesitate to send me an ask about really anything. I love talking to you guys so please shoot me something! I’ll answer all asks I receive within a day of receiving them. And please feel free to send me feedback, critique, questions, concerns, or anything so I can address it. Thanks so much for being so sweet and supportive!

Fic Music Recs:

The Benefits of Heartbreak Epik High Cough Syrup Young the Giant Somebody Else The 1975 The Less I Know the Better Tame Impala Open Season the High Highs Anchor Novo Amor Sorry Aquilo Why Shawn Mendes Drive Oh Wonder Patient Charlie Puth

- Mercury

Previous Chapter – Next Chapter

Masterlist

The wind tossed his hair around as we were locked in a stalemate of eye contact. Neither of us conceded, although I wished I did. Because as he hoisted his duffel over one shoulder he began walking in a straight line, heading right for me. Mrs. Park walked behind him, still chatting about something I couldn’t hear from so far away. As he approached I could see his eyebrows beginning to knit. I recognized that stupid, apologetic expression. I cleared my throat and turned on my heel, walking quickly back into the kitchen where Jimin was rifling through the old refrigerator. I stood beside him and lowered my gaze.

“He’s here isn’t he?”

“Mhm.”

“You can hide in the bathroom?” he offered, glancing at me with wide eyes.

I considered it. Perhaps if I locked myself away in the bathroom he wouldn’t come looking for me for a while. Maybe I could buy myself some time and collect my thoughts.

You run away when things are hard.

I stiffened, took a deep, calming breath, and shook my head. “No. I’m just…gonna do it. Rip the bandaid off.”

He stood up straight and shut the refrigerator door with raised brows. “Really?”

“Mhm,” I said. “He came all the way here. I’m assuming he knew I was coming.”

“Yeah…”

“So he’s here to see me,” I said. “Means he has something to say.”

“Do you wanna hear it though?” he asked, placing a hand on my upper arm as I turned to leave.

I shook my head with a smile. “Not really,” I paused as I remembered Hoseok and the words he said that had unsettled me. “But I need to do better now,” I said, chuckling. “It’s funny, but someone has pretty low expectations for me when it comes to things like this. Makes me want to prove him wrong.”

Jimin blinked at me before shrugging and handing me the sweater his grandmother had left. “Here,” he said. “Don’t get too cold.”

I smiled and slipped it over my head before turning away from him towards the sound of footsteps I knew belonged to Taehyung. He emerged in the doorway with a flush in his cheeks and his duffel bag sliding into the crook of his elbow. Mrs. Park stood behind him with a big grin.

“Oh! Good. Can you two show him where the boys will be sleeping?” she asked, face beaming.

I nodded and gave her a smile. “Mhm,” I said. “I’ll do it.”

Taehyung stared at me for a long while before finally stepping towards me. We walked in silence down the narrow hallway until I found the door on the right side and slid it open. Suddenly and palpably, we were alone again. This time, however, it didn’t feel warm and it didn’t feel intimate. It felt…

Lonely.

“Y/N, I-,”

“Let me say something first,” I said, turning towards him as he slid the door shut and dropped his bag. He nodded and shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. “You’re an asshole.”

He nodded. “You’re right.”

“And what you did was extremely hurtful,” I said.

“I know.”

“Not just last weekend, Taehyung.”

He lifted his eyes to meet mine and nodded again. “I know.”

“And I want to understand why you did all those things, but talking to you hurts a lot,” I said. “Like…a lot.”

“I want to explain last weekend-,”

“I’m not done yet,” I said, meeting his eyes seriously and setting my lips thin. “I don’t know if you deserve my time and my understanding after everything. I’m…Taehyung, I can’t be the only one trying to be better.” I felt my chest tighten. I wasn’t used to being so hard on him this way. I didn’t want to poke the areas of his that were tender, but I didn’t have a choice. For my own growth, I needed to face this. “So if you’re not ready to do better too…then save yourself the trouble and don’t talk to me about last weekend. We both know it goes deeper than that. I…I can’t keep living my life like this. Toxic. Regretful. Scared,” I exhaled slowly, leaning back against the windowsill. “If you’re only going to do it halfway, don’t do it at all. So if we’re going to do this, we have to go all the way. Not just this weekend, not just the night before I left…we have to go through all of it. I can’t forgive you if you don’t try.”

He stared at me for a long time, blinking. Had he expected me to simply…listen? To offer a generous ear after all he’d done? “I…”

I felt my throat constricting. If I spoke too much, I’d cry again. I’d already tiptoed against my better judgement across the minefield to meet him in the middle, but I would go no further. He had to want to meet me too. I met his eyes and mustered whatever courage I had left. “Tae,” I said, the name settling in the air with intention. “I still believe in you. After everything,” I began, glancing at my hands before looking at his wide eyes once more. “I need you to show me I’m not wrong to do that.”

“Y/N! Tae! Are you ready to fix the roof?” asked Jimin from down the hallway.

I stiffened and looked back towards Taehyung who stood with his shoulders hunched, his brows furrowed, his mouth slightly agape. “We should go. I’ll…I’ll give you some time to think about it,” I said, sliding past him and giving his shoulder a pat.

I blew a piece of hair from my forehead and rolled the sleeves of Jimin’s grandmother’s sweater up my elbows a ways. Jimin and I sat on the roof, replacing old ceramic tiles in the sun as Taehyung carried a few old pieces of furniture out to the truck. I saw him walk by from above several times, end tables or boxes of old silverware in his arms as he strolled to the side of the house. I wanted to say something more, to take back that stupid ultimatum. Perhaps I’d been hoping his decision would be easier, more immediate. But every time he passed by I looked away just as his eyes would flash my way. I was caught between desperately wanting to speak with him and wishing he would leave.

I sighed as I laid another tile down on the roof, aligning it precisely. “You’re being mopey,” said Jimin.

I glanced at him, at the sunlight caught in his honeyed hair. He looked like a little angel, and perhaps he was after all. “I…am a little mopey, aren’t I?” I asked with a chuckle.

He nodded. “Not hard to figure out why,” he said, glancing down towards the deck where Taehyung crouched, helping Jimin’s grandmother pack kimchi into big buckets. 

I nodded. “I feel like I wasted a year abroad.”

Jimin’s eyes flashed towards me. “What?”

“Yeah,” I said, leaning back on my arms and stretching my legs out on the roof. “It’s…I guess, I’m bothered by something Hoseok said.”

“Oh, did he get to you? Sometimes he gets a little rude,” said Jimin.

I glanced at him with wide eyes. “Hm? Oh, no. It’s not that,” I said, then found myself pondering what exactly that meant. “He just…he noticed that I’m really bad at facing my problems. He said it point-blank. And it’s like…I wanted to leave so I could improve myself. Come back better. But…he didn’t even know me before and he saw that in me,” I said with a humorless laugh as I placed another tile. “Means I haven’t changed at all.”

“You’ve changed,” said Jimin.

I peeked at him and saw him smiling softly my way. “Really?”

He nodded and with a thick gloved hand patted my hair. “Maybe not in America, but…Y/N, you’re different now. Even if it’s just today, you’re different.”

I blinked at him and felt a swelling in my heart. My cherished friend. I smiled and nodded. “Thank you.”

“I’m proud of you,” he said. “I…I try not to expect too much from you since, you know, you’re used to that. But,” he pursed his lips and tilted his head this way and that. “You should know that you’ve got people rooting for you with no expectations, only trust that you’ll do the best you can.”

“Thank you, Jimin,” I said again.

“Stop that,” he said, pushing my arm a little. 

I grinned and pushed him back. His hands sought purchase anywhere and landed on a stack of unlaid tiles, causing one to slide off the pile and careen from the roof to the deck where it smashed right beside Taehyung’s thigh. He jumped and glanced back at us and, quickly, I slid down the roof towards the ladder. I took the rungs quickly and hopped off before running towards Taehyung’s side and crouching down.

“Are you okay? I’m so sorry, we were playing around and-,” I started, then stopped when Taehyung turned to look at me and his deep brown eyes were round and his cheeks were dusted with pink. 

I realized a beat too late that I’d placed my hands on his upper arm and his knee, fingers wrapped snugly around his bicep and kneecap. I glanced between both my hands and his face before releasing him and clearing my throat. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine,” he said slowly, his voice rumbling deeper than usual.

I nodded, but nonetheless scanned his form for any visible signs of injury. “God, seriously. I should have been more careful,” I mumbled absently as I looked over his body. I lifted his arm to check his side for debris.

“Y/N,” he said with a quiet chuckle, grabbing my hand in his softly and smiling my way. “It’s really fine.”

I blinked up at him before nodded and abruptly rising to my feet. “Alright. Uh…I’ll go back up there then,” I said quietly. 

But as I did, I caught Jimin’s grandmother’s eyes which were flashing between me and Jimin who sat stunned into paralysis on the roof. As she looked at me she gave me a knowing smile before turning around to work on the kimchi once more. Had she been watching us this keenly the whole time?

I laced my fingers and stretched my hands above my head, shutting my eyes as I stretched. Jimin was shambling down the ladder carefully, shouting on every rung as he approached the ground.

“You’re doing great,” I called over my shoulder, eyes still shut. 

“Shut up!” he shouted. 

I laughed as I watched him extend a shaky leg towards the floor, squeezing his eyes shut as he wiggled his pointed toe, desperate to feel the ground. “Just step down,” said Taehyung from beside me.

I glanced up at him and, without meaning to, I edged away. He seemed to notice and did the same, his large frame inching slightly to the side as Jimin approached and, without warning, gave Taehyung’s upper arm a sharp punch. “That’s for hooking up with Satan on Saturday,” he said with a glare. He gave another punch to the other arm to which Taehyung simply stood and stared. “And that’s for hooking up with Satan on Saturday and not telling me.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up from inside me, unable to be contained. I smiled at Jimin and shook my head and he returned it. It seemed that with a simple laugh, the tension between the three of us was cut slightly. I figured one more friendly push would clear the air. At least for the night.

“Whether he told you or not, you probably would have punched him either way,” I remarked with a chuckle. 

Jimin rolled his eyes but before he could retort Taehyung interjected with a curt bow of his head. “I’m sorry,” he said, and his voice seemed…sincere.

I stared at the back of his head with my heart pounding. He was apologizing so easily? So humbly? Without urging from someone else? And to Jimin? My head began to spin as I remembered something Hyerim had said a week ago.

If you change, I’ll have to change too.

I blinked at him before Jimin simply smacked the back of his head, causing his dark hair to sway. “Stand up straight,” ordered Jimin sternly. Taehyung obliged and, with innocence in his eyes, nodded. “You’ve never once bowed to me.”

“I’m…I’m sorry for that,” he said.

I continued staring at this strange boy for a moment that felt like eternity. “It’s fine,” said Jimin, brows knitted. “Anyway, you’re forgiven. Just, like…I don’t know, make better choices?”

Taehyung stared down at Jimin, surprise etched into his features. “I…wait, that’s it?”

Jimin shrugged and examined a cut on his finger. “Mhm. That’s it.”

“No punishment?”

“Why would I punish you? You’re my best friend,” said Jimin. “I know who you are and who you’re not. You’re not the guy who hooked up with Hyerim on Saturday.” His words seemed eerily similar to the ones he’d given me on the roof…

“That seems like you’re letting me off the hook too easily. You hate her,” said Taehyung. “She did horrible things to Y/N.”

“And so did you,” said Jimin with a laugh. “But here you are. Standing with us.”

Taehyung blinked. “I…I don’t get it.”

“Stop begging for us to hate you,” said Jimin. He rolled his eyes and hooked an elbow around my shoulders, guiding me into the house. “It’s not up to you to punish yourself. Let the people you’ve hurt decide what to do with you,” he said over his shoulder with a smile.

I turned to glance at Taehyung as he stood on the deck for a moment before jogging to catch up with us. He took up my flank and watched me carefully as Jimin detailed what was still left to do in the house. We were locked in eye contact for a moment longer before, against my better judgement, I gave him a soft smile and turned back to Jimin, poking his cheek a few times.

“What’s for lunch? I’m starving,” I said as he stepped away from me and my fingers, griping immediately about the oils on my fingertips being bad for his skin.

I laughed after him, standing beside Taehyung as Jimin began preparing a few sandwiches from the ingredients his grandfather had left out for us. There were a few moments of only two voices mingling: mine and Jimin’s. But suddenly a third voice rumbled through the room, and it was immediately distinguishable from the rest of the chatter. Taehyung began to laugh too.

We sat at the table on the deck, a fire blazing nearby in the pit, the mountain wind mingling with the distant sound of the sea. The sun was setting and the sky was turning dark by degrees as Jimin and his grandmother set the side dishes precisely around the table. He made sure to place the kimchi near where I sat, knowing that it was my favorite. Taehyung sat across from me, chatting easily with Jimin’s mother. 

“But Tae, sweetie, you’re looking a bit tired,” she said with a sigh. Taehyung gave me a wide-eyed look before clearing his throat and nodding.

“Oh, uh…yeah I haven’t been sleeping very well.”

“Oh! Well if you ever need help falling asleep you know I have a recipe for a nighttime tea that works,” she said with a smile. “I remember it used to work really well on Y/N.”

I groaned and rubbed my forehead. “God, that’s right,” I said as I remembered the night I’d stayed over at Jimin’s house in elementary school while my parents were off on a business trip together. “I had a dream that the sky turned into a massive garbage disposal in a sink and it was sucking me in.”

Taehyung chuckled. “I wonder what that means,” he said.

I smiled. “I woke up yelling and I smacked Jimin in the face.”

Mrs. Park laughed and clapped her hands together. “That’s right! He came into my room crying saying you punched him while he was sleeping.”

“She did!” Jimin insisted as he came to sit beside me, nudging me with his knee. “I woke up in the middle of the night to her rolling on the basement floor swinging her arms.”

His grandmother settled across the table from him and smiled fondly. “Well, everyone has poor sleeping habits you know,” she said with a laugh. “Your grandfather used to say full words.”

“Used to?” I asked.

She gave me a wink. “I conditioned him by splashing him with water every time he did it,” she said. “The men in the Park family are very easy to persuade,” she grinned my way, another knowing look that set me on edge. “I’m sure you know.”

Mrs. Park gave me a puzzled look which I returned. “Ah,” I said with a laugh. “Sounds kind of like a pet.”

The table laughed together for a while before Jimin’s grandfather stood and grabbed for a bottle of rice wine Jimin had placed at the edge of the table. The night chill was creeping in and I curled into my sweater a little more. Jimin’s grandfather smiled wide and uncapped the wine, snatching the brass cups beside him and filling them eagerly.

“I’ve been waiting for Jimin to visit so we could share some of this,” he said with a deep laugh.

Jimin passed me a full cup and I took a sip with the others. “It’s delicious,” said Taehyung, smiling softly.

“I’ve been making it for years,” said Jimin’s grandfather. “I plan on bringing some as a wedding gift when Jimin gets married.”

I didn’t like where the conversation was heading. And judging by the stiffness in Jimin’s posture, neither did he…

Mrs. Park laughed and flitted her hand. “Ah, that won’t happen for a while, Dad.”

“May happen sooner than we think!” said his grandmother, tossing me a look.

I furrowed my brow. “Or…not,” Jimin mumbled, scratching his arm.

“You should get married while you’re still young,” said his grandfather, coughing as he picked around some side dishes.

Jimin blinked at him and nodded. “I’ll try to remember that,” he said.

“You get too old and the ladies won’t fall for you so easy anymore,” he joked, laughing.

His grandmother smiled and shook her head. “Oh, I don't think that will be a problem.”

I gnawed on my lower lip and twiddled my thumbs. She meant well, of course. She was trying to show her support subtly, even if there was nothing to support. I knew she just wanted Jimin happy. But the look on his face made me nervous. His eyes went a little darker, and his expression fell. He wasn’t comfortable. Taehyung caught me eye and raised his brows, as if asking what was going on. I simply shook my head once and returned my attention to Jimin’s grandmother.

“Say, Y/N,” she said with a smile my way. “That sweatshirt is actually Jimin’s. He usually wears it when he comes to visit.”

I glanced down at the navy blue fabric on my chest and smiled. “It’s really comfortable.”

“It suits you,” she said gently. “Ah, but you seem pretty comfortable wearing his clothes.”

Jimin sighed. He seemed to be growing frustrated. “Oh, I don’t normally share clothes,” I said with a nod. “I have pretty particular tastes.” Taehyung raised a brow and I cleared my throat. “Like I don’t like to wear bright colors. I prefer earth tones and-,”

“Oh, Jimin looks so nice in earth tones!” she said with a clap. I briefly wanted to shake the small, sweet woman for being so oblivious. “You two sure do have a lot in common. Oh, and look how nice they look together Chansung,” she said, patting Jimin’s grandfather’s hand softly.

“Grandma,” said Jimin carefully, casting pleading eyes her way.

“I’m sorry, I’m just pleased,” she said, laughing. “I’ve been noticing you two all day. You’re awfully close for a young man and woman.”

“We’re not interested in each other that way,” said Jimin, his tone exhausted. 

His grandmother pouted and crossed her arms. “Well why not? She’s a lovely girl.”

“You’re a young, healthy boy, Jimin,” said his grandfather, sighing as he sipped his wine. “It’s strange for you not to be interested in a girl you spend so much time with.”

“She’s my friend,” he said, resolute.

I cleared my throat. “Ah, like I said I’m actually seeing someone right now,” I said.

“Not Jimin?” asked his grandmother, confused.

I nodded. “Right.”

“Well that’s disappointing, isn’t it?” she asked, resting her cheek in her hand. “I’m getting old waiting for you to find a nice girl.”

“Grandma-,”

“I think Jimin will find someone when he’s ready,” said Taehyung, his voice ringing out strongly in the evening air. He’d been quiet throughout dinner, but when he did speak his tone was stern.

Jimin’s grandmother turned to look at Taehyung with a sigh. “I know, sweetheart. I don’t want to rush him,” she said gently. “But I want to see him happy.”

“A girl will make him happy?” asked Taehyung carefully. He glanced at Jimin, as if asking if this was okay.

“Oh, sure,” said his grandfather with a stiff nod. 

“Only a girl?” asked Jimin, timid. His eyes were trained on the table before us and I stared at him with knitted brows. Was he ready to have this conversation?

The table went quiet and nobody dared eat or drink. The silence felt humid somehow, suffocating. Like it coated my lungs as I breathed. Without moving too much, I slid my hand beneath the table and grabbed onto Jimin’s knee softly. He placed his hand atop mine without looking at me. A silent sign that he was okay.

“Jimin…,” said Mrs. Park, looking at him seriously from across the table. He nodded. “To be honest, I just want a person to like,” he said, still looking down. 

“Jimin, are you saying…?” began his grandmother, placing a hand to her lips. Jimin scratched the back of his head. “Just a person.”

I squeezed his hand. We’d hadn’t had too many conversations about this, as he was still figuring things out himself, but tonight more than ever my heart ached to reach out and help him somehow. His hand was shaking beneath mine.

“Uh…,” started his mother, clearing her throat. She glanced up at me and smiled softly. “Would you go down into the cellar and bring out some more rice wine?” 

I stiffened and blinked. “Oh! Um…,” I said, glancing at Jimin who simply patted the top of my hand in reassurance. I nodded slowly. “Y-Yeah,” I said, standing and glancing down at Taehyung. “Tae…uh, will you come help me?”

Taehyung stood quickly and nodded. “Yup! We’ll be right back,” he said, rushing around to the side of the table.

Mrs. Park smiled. “Take your time,” she said. 

I nodded. “Okay.”

“Oh, uh, Jimin,” started Taehyung, but before he could say more in such a tense atmosphere, I grabbed his hand and began walking towards the cellar door around the side of the house. “Why did you grab me?” he asked from behind me.

I shook my head. “You gotta read the room,” I said. “They have a lot to talk about.”

Taehyung was quiet as his hand slipped from mine. “So do we,” he said. I opened the cellar door, flicked on the light, and descended the stairs carefully.

I sighed as I sat down on an empty crate, pulling up a second crate and patting it softly. The room was overflowing with boxes and landscaping equipment. Jugs of rice wine sat precariously on nearly every surface. I stared down at the blank concrete floor between our feet. There was a heavy silence for a moment. Neither of us spoke. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

Dad: I heard you’re in Busan. Give us a call soon.

I felt tears pricking my eyes and rubbed them away. I shoved the phone back into my pocket and sighed. “Who was that?” asked Taehyung.

I glanced at him. “It’s…my dad,” I said.

He raised his eyebrows. “Have you guys not been in contact?”

“Not since the day before I left,” I said.

He shook his head. “So…you came to me right after you found out? About…everything?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I felt like…of all the people I’ve wronged…somehow, it felt like you were the only person I could fix things with.” I paused to chuckle quietly.

“Maybe that was stupid of me.”

“It wasn’t,” he said, scooting closer to me. Our knees brushed. “If we’re being honest…I was really happy when you said you still loved me.”

I blushed and glanced at him. “Taehyung, are we doing this?” I asked.

He nodded. “We need to. I…I need to.”

“I’ll listen,” I said.

“Me too.”

“Taehyung, did you love me?” I asked, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. My cheeks went hot.

His eyes grew round for a moment, both of us locked in a gaze that felt intimate, and cleared his throat. “Yes,” he said. “So much.”

“Then…why did you start seeing Hyerim?”

“We never started seeing each other,” he said. “We hooked up a few times because we had something in common.”

“What did you have in common?”

“You.”

I blinked and stared at him. “Excuse me?”

He shook his head, resting his elbows on his knees. “I…I didn’t feel like I could be around you anymore. You were starting to glow, you know? Doing all these competitions, getting recognized for your hard work. And I was…directionless.”

“You lost someone important. Wandering is okay,” I said.

He shook his head again. “Not this kind of wandering. I…I felt worthless. Like I had nothing to offer anymore.”

I grabbed for his hands and held them tightly in mine. His eyes flashed up towards me and I set my jaw. “You have so much to offer.”

He smiled softly and nodded. “I’ll try to believe that,” he said. “I just kept seeing you succeed and succeed. You had all of these people believing in you. And it was like I was a kid again, jealous of Jimin for being so good at playing guitar but also so insecure. I didn’t know how to be around you when you were shining like a star and I was a black hole,” he said, voice low in the dim room. “I didn’t want to suck you in.”

“That’s a horrible way to think,” I said.

He nodded. “I know.”

“And it’s wrong.”

“Well…”

I lowered my head to match the level of his eyes, forcing him to look at me. “Just because some people don’t believe in you doesn’t mean they’re right. You have no idea how much potential I’ve always seen in you.”

He sighed. “I don’t think you see me properly,” he said. “I…I just wanted you to do well. And I knew that if I was around, especially in the state I was in…well, I knew I’d hold you back. Your parents didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.”

“They were wrong,” I said. “We could have grown together,” I paused. “I could have helped you. If I’d tried just a little harder-,”

“No,” he said. “No, I started hooking up with Hyerim because I knew it was the only way you’d stay away from me. After what you said about wishing she’d disappear, I figured that if I associated with her you might want me to disappear too.”

“I’d never want that,” I said.

He smiled. “I wish you would have.”

“Jimin was right before,” I said. “You aren’t in charge of punishing yourself. That’s my job.”

He shrugged, sitting up straighter and releasing my hands. “She approached me at the party in high school and mentioned how well you were doing. How bad I looked. She…she knew how I felt.”

“She did?”

“Yeah,” he said. “She knew how hard it was to feel like you’re toxic for someone.”

“Because she was toxic too.”

He nodded. “We started talking and it just seemed to…make sense. She wanted to take something of yours and I wanted you to leave me alone. The logical solution was-,”

“Was to hurt me.”

He nodded once more. “It was stupid.”

“Yeah.”

“And I regretted it immediately. I…God, I wanted to run to you and hug you and tell you how sorry I was. I wanted to kiss you instead and I wanted to be with you. But…,” he trailed off as my heart began to race. “But then I remembered that being with you would mean that I’d have to work hard. Be motivated again. And…somehow, that felt too painful.”

I thought for a moment. “Did…did you feel like you didn’t deserve good things anymore?” I asked. “After losing your grandmother?”

He blinked and wiped beneath his eyes. “I…I try not to think about it,” he said.

I nodded. “I won’t push it.”

“She was the person who thought I could do anything,” he said. “The one who thought I was good even though I made mistakes.”

“And without her…,” I began, then stopped as he nodded.

“Without her,” he said. “I felt like the part of me that she believed in couldn’t exist anymore.”

I rubbed my teary eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said.

“What?” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like you needed,” I said, tears slipping from my eyes and onto my lap. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how much I believed in you when you needed to hear it most. I’m sorry I let you go.”

“No,” he said, leaning closer and cupping my face in his hands, running his thumbs beneath my eyes. I glanced up at him. His skin was flushed, brows knitted as his warm eyes scanned me. “I’m the one who let you go.”

“Why did you?” I asked, letting a piece of that deep pain breathe as the words hit the dead air.

He swallowed hard and his eyes fell. “After everything, I felt like…you were giving me a chance at redemption that I didn’t deserve. Like you were being too soft on me.”

I remembered Hoseok’s words. I was too soft on people who hurt me…

“I’d rather get hurt a million times,” I began. “Than lose someone precious.”

“That’s why you keep getting hurt, Y/N,” he said, rubbing beneath my eyes. “You need to know when it’s too late to save someone.”

I shook my head. “If I ever needed saving, I’d want someone to try even if I didn’t want to be saved anymore.”

“Y/N…”

“I mean it,” I said, meeting his eyes. He looked so soft, so small. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and smooth his hair. I wanted to tell him it was okay. I wanted to help him heal like I couldn't do before.

But something was still holding me back.

He still hadn’t apologized.

“This is what I meant,” he said with a sigh, his fingers brushing over my skin. He shut his eyes for a moment. “I don’t want to ruin the you that’s kind and generous and innocent. I don’t want to be the reason you lose that.”

“You think I’m that weak-willed?” I asked with a scoff. “Or you’re that powerful? Kim Taehyung, have you met my parents?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Stop trying to make me laugh. I’m being serious.”

“Me too.”

He met my eyes, sincerity in every detail of his face. “About last weekend,” he started.

I nodded. “Tell me.”

“I…I don’t think I was ever so close to kissing you,” he said.

I flushed. “What?” I asked.

He cleared his throat and backed away, nodding. “I guess now’s the time to be honest,” he said with a humorless laugh. He averted his eyes. “I’ve…I never stopped having feelings for you.”

“You…,” I started, but I was unable to finish. I could hear my pulse thrumming in my ears like white water.

“I know I’m too late,” he said. “You’re with Hoseok now, but…I don’t know. That night, after you gave me my grandmother’s necklace back. I just…you trusted me that much. After everything I’ve done, you were willing to give me that trust again.”

“Of course,” I said. “Because I know your heart.”

He shook his head. “You don’t,” he said. “A good person wouldn’t have gotten so close to you knowing that you were seeing someone else. And a friend at that.”

“I was getting close too.”

“Stop trying to take blame,” he said, meeting my eyes sharply. “This is my fault entirely.”

I blinked and nodded. “O-Okay.”

“I had this disgusting thought in Hyerim’s room that if I just kissed you, if I just did it…you’d be mine again,” he said, then smiled sadly to himself. “But the truth is you were never mine. And you shouldn’t be. And I realized it then that if I kissed you…it would be the cruelest thing I could do to you.”

I flushed. “What?”

“I don’t want to shake you up when you’re finally with someone who can make you happy,” he said. “I want you to be happy.”

“It’s my right to choose what makes me happy, Taehyung. Not yours,” I said. 

He glanced at me and smiled. “You deserve someone better than me.”

I sighed, frustrated, and gave his arm a firm push. “Would you just drop that already? You’re not a black hole. You’re a person. A damaged person,” I said, then shrugged. “Like me. Like Jimin. Like everyone.”

“Like Hoseok,” he said, then stared at his lap once more. “He was there for me after you left. It was…a remarkably hard first few months.”

“What?”

“The guilt almost made me crazy,” he said. “I…I couldn’t live with myself for leaving you there that night.”

“I can understand why you did it though,” I said. “Even though the way you think is totally wrong and ridiculous. From your viewpoint, it was a logical decision.”

He smiled. “I guess the fact that you two started seeing each other…I think that hurt a lot,” he said. “And it made things so much more complicated.”

“You talked about me with him,” I said. “He told me.”

He nodded. “A lot. I think I accidentally made him love you,” he said with a laugh. “Isn’t that pathetic?”

“Tae…,” I said slowly, but I didn’t know what else to say.

He smiled. “He’s been such a good friend to me. He doesn’t have a lot of close friends. It’s hard for him, you know? To be himself around people.”

I nodded. “I know.”

“So…seeing him getting closer with you, it all just seemed so perfect. You two together, making each other happy. There wasn’t a place for me there,” he said.

“He deserves a chance at happiness too.”

“And what if the two of us together is wrong, Taehyung? Why do you get to decide what will make us happy?” I asked.

He shook his head. “He’s lighter around you. Seeing him like that…I don’t think it would be right for me to take that away,” he said. “And besides, he’s one of my best friends. What kind of person would I be if I tried to steal you away?”

“So that night…,” I urged.

“I almost made a huge mistake,” he said. “And I drank too much. Hyerim approached me and said the right things. Like how you seemed happy with Hoseok. How I must have been lonely. I thought that maybe the same trick with Hyerim would work twice.”

“And I caught you,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “I figured you might just hear about it from Hoseok or Jimin or something, but you seeing it was…not part of the plan.”

“You tried to come after me,” I said, recalling the painful evening.

He nodded. “I…I hadn’t seen you cry since the day before you left. I know you’re not a big cryer. I realized that…God, I realized how bad I hurt you,” he said, shaking his head and raking his fingers through his hair. “Isn’t it stupid? The person I love the most is the person I hurt the most.”

I felt my insides light on fire. Despite the sweet words, the meaning in them made me so uneasy. His thinking was disordered, dark, and so negative. Staring at him bent over himself on the crate, he seemed like someone bereft. I hadn’t been persistent enough with him. I hadn’t shown him the love he needed to understand that he wasn’t so bad. That life wasn’t so bad.

But I had a chance now.

I reached out and flattened my palm against his hot cheek. He startled at my touch and sat up straight, staring at me with wide, bloodshot eyes. “The person you’re hurting most is yourself, Tae,” I said softly.

He shook his head and opened his mouth as if he were going to speak, but all that came out was, “I…”

I smiled gently and let my fingers ghost over his skin. I had a chance to tell him what I hadn’t told him before. I had a chance to change things. “You’re more than your mistakes.”

His eyes looked dewy, like he may cry. I brushed some hair from his forehead. “That’s-,”

“You’ve always been too bright to look at,” I said, recalling our conversation on the trampoline all those years ago. All those memories ago. “You’ve always eclipsed the sun for me.”

He continued to stare at me misty-eyed, lips parted, and quietly I leaned close. I smiled at him softly, gauging his reaction, before placing a small kiss on the apple of his cheek. I backed away and nodded my head. Without so much as a word, he leaned across the distance between our bodies and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me against his chest. I wrapped my arms around his back and nodded. I felt tears hitting my shoulder, soaking through Jimin’s sweatshirt. Slowly, I shut my eyes and rubbed circles into his back.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, voice low and cracking.

I smiled and breathed in the scent of his cologne. He hadn’t changed it since high school. “That’s enough,” I said.

He sniffed. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Sh,” I said, nodding against him. “I know.”

The sound of the heavy door above us opening caused us to slowly break away. His face was red and his eyes were still cloudy, cheeks damp. I smiled and, with the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I rubbed his cheek gently. 

“Guys?” asked Jimin as he walked slowly down the stairs.

I turned to face him and saw that he too had been crying. Taehyung and I stood to meet him as he came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. He turned to us and sniffled a little with a small smile. “My mom knows now,” he said, laughing.

I nodded as Taehyung and I approached him. “Yeah?”

“I didn’t know how to explain it. I…I was waiting until I understood it myself to talk to her,” he said, shaking his head. “But she smiled at me. She understood it even though I didn’t.”

I smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. He raised a hand to cup mine and met my eyes with his watery ones. “That’s great,” I said.

He nodded. “My grandparents are confused. Mom told me to come help you guys with the wine and I-,” he started, but a sob broke loose and he covered his face with his hands. “I’m scared.”

Without a second thought, I wrapped my arms around Jimin’s shoulders and held him close. Silently, Taehyung came close and wrapped both of us in his arms. Jimin continued to cry for a moment, his arms snaking around mine and Taehyung’s sides. I smoothed his hair softly as he settled down, the three of us still locked in an embrace that we hadn’t had since we were kids.

“It’ll be okay, Jimin,” Taehyung said.

I nodded. “Your family loves you no matter what.”

“I always wanted,” he said between sniffs, “to make my dad regret telling me not to contact him.”

“If I was him, I’d regret it with my whole heart,” I said, still smoothing his hair. “To lose the chance to know you…I would regret it until I died.”

Taehyung nodded beside me. “He’d be an idiot not to regret it.”

“Even now?”

“Especially now,” said Taehyung.

Jimin nodded and pulled away slightly. The three of us stood together, three friends who through the mess and chaos of growing up somehow grew back together. I never thought I would see it again. But somehow, despite or possibly because of the hardships, we’d found that essential something between us once more. I smiled at Jimin and he smiled back. Something shifted back into place that night.

“Be sure to call more often,” cooed Jimin’s grandmother, holding his face in her hands with her brows furrowed.

Jimin laughed and nodded, patting her arm. “I will, Grandma,” he said.

“Come by to help me paint the kitchen next month,” said his grandfather with a booming laugh. “Lord knows your grandma won’t help.”

“I have arthritis!” she called back, sending him a glare over her shoulder.

Jimin smiled, beamed really, and nodded once more. “I will.”

“Oh! And Y/N, don’t you dare be a stranger! Come by anytime,” said Jimin’s grandmother, turning her attention to me.

I smiled as she approached and threw her arms about me in a hug. “I’ll come by during the holidays and bring some fruit,” I said.

She grinned and pulled away. “That’s a promise now,” she said. She turned to Taehyung and smirked at him, eyes flashing between him and me. “You two take care,” she said, chuckling as she returned to her husband’s side.

I flushed and exchanged a puzzled look with Taehyung. “Uh,” said Taehyung, smiling quietly. “We will.”

“Oh, you’d better go or you’ll miss your train,” fretted Jimin’s grandfather. 

“Ah!” said Mrs. Park with a nod. “That’s right. Let’s get you to the station,” she said, guiding us to the white sedan.

We drove in casual chatter for the most part, and as we exited and said our goodbyes I noticed something odd about Mrs. Park. The way she gazed at her son, so fond, so gentle, so caring, seemed somehow more tender. It was as if a wall was broken between them that nobody knew was there to begin with. I smiled softly as they hugged and edged closer to Taehyung as we hovered near the train’s open door.

“You’ll come by the house next weekend, right?” she asked Jimin.

Jimin smiled. “Yep. We have a few gigs, but I can come over on Sunday.”

“Well…I’ll be here another few days so I might not be on my phone much but…please call me if you need anything,” she said, then laughed. “Or if you just want to talk.”

Jimin nodded. “I will, Mom,” he said, hugging her once more. “I love you,” he said quietly into her dark hair.

We waved goodbye as we entered the train and shuffled to find our seats. I sat beside Jimin, Taehyung settling in the seat across from us with a tired sigh. He leaned back against the seat and shut his eyes immediately.

“Tired?” I asked.

He opened one eye to peek at me and smiled. “Should have made me some of the nighttime tea,” he said.

I chuckled and nodded. “Sorry,” I said.

“You two seem closer,” said Jimin with a smirk. “Did something good happen in the cellar?”

“No!” called Taehyung and I in unison. I glanced at him and flushed before shaking my head. “We just talked some things out,” I finished. “Speaking of which, your grandparents seem…”

“Super supportive and wonderful and understanding?” asked Jimin with a laugh. “They are.”

“What happened?” I asked. After we’d all left the cellar, Mrs. Park had led us to our rooms and kept Jimin outside at the dining table with his grandparents. By the time they were finished talking, I was asleep and I could only assume Taehyung was too.

He smoothed his hands over his thighs and smiled. “I came over and they basically said that whatever or whoever I liked they loved me. And they just wanted to see me happy,” he said, lacing his fingers over one crossed knee. “Whatever form that takes.”

I smiled. “That’s great,” I said quietly.

He nodded. “At the end of the day, I think that’s what matters most,” he said, glancing at me over his shoulder. “Finding what makes you happy.”

I couldn’t stop myself from turning my eyes towards Taehyung only to find him looking at me too. We exchanged a look that felt different somehow before each of us turned back to Jimin and I cleared my throat.

“You’re right,” said Taehyung with a soft smile, staring down at his lap. “Find what makes you happy and protect it.”

“And don’t let it go,” I added, looking back at Jimin, but he was already popping his headphones into his ears. I glanced towards Taehyung who, once again, was staring at me.

I stretched my arms above my head and smiled sidelong at Haewon and Yuna, raising the microphone to my lips as I belted out the notes to Red Velvet’s Bad Boy. The girls laughed as I pointed at each of them, beckoning either of them to join me. Of course, neither of them did. I laughed through the bridge and, as the chorus came closer, I began to sloppily imitate the choreography.

“No!” shouted Hoseok through laughter. “It’s like this!” he called, standing from the plush bench in our private room and tossing his hands in a wide circle, index fingers up.

I laughed and shook my head. “Excuse me! This is my performance!” I said, patting my chest with the microphone, releasing a few horrible booms through the speakers. 

Namjoon grabbed Hoseok by the arm and pulled him down beside him, shaking his head as I continued. “Say, why don’t you join Bangtan?” he called, laughing.

I rolled my eyes as I continued to sing and dance. The song came to an end and I collapsed on the couch beside Yuna as she fanned my face. “Listen,” I said, panting. “Just because it’s a Wednesday night doesn’t mean I can’t give it my all.”

Hoseok laughed and patted my knee. “I’m going next,” said Jungkook, standing from his spot beside Namjoon and extending a hand to Yuna who by then had become my personal headrest. “I need a partner.”

Yuna scowled. “No,” she said.

Jungkook gaped. “Do you know how many girls would jump at the opportunity to sing a duet with me?” he asked, bewildered.

Yuna examined a cuticle. “That’s nice. Ask one of them.”

Jungkook fumed before turning to me. “Will you make her sing with me?” he asked.

I met his eyes and rubbed my forehead. “Jeez, I don’t know. She’s…you know, an autonomous human being. I don’t think I can make her do anything,” I said. I glanced at Haewon. “You wanna sing with him?”

“No,” she deadpanned, scrolling through her phone. I laughed. 

“Yuna please,” he begged, pouting.

I sat up straight and stretched. “I’m gonna go get some water,” I said, standing and sliding past Namjoon as he stood and offered to sing with Jungkook instead. 

Hoseok stood and grabbed my elbow with a smile. “I’ll come too,” he said. “Since I haven’t seen you in a while.”

I smiled and nodded, but guilt ran through me coldly. “Okay.”

We exited the room together and I bent down to adjust my uncomfortable boot heel. It had been a few hours since I’d pulled an outfit together last minute after Hoseok had called to invite me and the girls out to karaoke. Since the week had been pretty hectic, I hadn’t had a chance to tell Yuna or Haewon about what happened in Busan, and I’d planned on explaining everything and hearing their thoughts that night. But Hoseok had sounded so very excited, and I figured that before the girls, I needed to face him. My feelings were swirling and I knew it wasn’t right to keep stringing him along when I couldn’t sort myself out. I hadn’t anticipated Namjoon and Jungkook tagging along, and so many people around meant I’d had no time to speak to Hoseok seriously about what was going on. 

But now that I had him alone…

I almost wished the others were here.

I walked down the narrow hallway towards the bathroom with Hoseok beside me, whistling absently. I took a sip of water and turned towards him with a smile that I couldn’t force to reach my eyes. He stared at me for a long moment before he sighed and nodded, taking my hand and leading me down the hallway. I stood with my back against the wall, facing Hoseok as he stopped walking and turned towards me, our fingers still interlocked. He scanned my face for a long, quiet moment. The muffled sound of loud music mingled into indistinguishable noise all around us.

“What’s up?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Just thinking I was a little tired of being around people,” he said.

I blinked. “Those are your friends though.”

He smiled at me. “I want to stop pretending for a minute,” he said, pushing my hair behind my ear. How many friends did he have really? 

“Even with Namjoon and Jungkook?” I asked. My stomach felt queasy.

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you can trust them a little?” I asked. “After all, you trusted me.”

“You’re different,” he said, gazing at me with warmth in his eyes, in his fingers as they traced my skin. “You make me honest.”

I furrowed my brow. Something wasn’t sitting right with me. It hadn’t been for a long time. “Are you sure it’s me? Are you sure it’s not…just the idea you have of me?” I asked.

He pursed his lips in thought. “Maybe both?”

“Isn’t that wrong?” I asked, shaking my head. His hand slipped from my hair. “Is it okay to build someone up into something they’re not?”

“Either way,” he said, pressing his forehead against mine. The way we looked, you’d think we were two lovers sneaking off into the dim hallway for a rendezvous. I felt hot with guilt. “I trust you a lot.”

“Hoseok, I-,”

“Something happened in Busan,” he said slowly.

I blinked, wide-eyed, and nodded. “How did you know?”

He smiled and pressed his pointer finger to my nose. “You seem troubled,” he said. “Whatever happened, I forgive you. There’s no need to talk about it.”

I furrowed my brow. “Wait, you what?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I like you. And you understand me. When else am I gonna find someone like that?” he asked with a chuckle. “I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t around.”

I stared up at him, wide-eyed, as a realization struck me that made me want to cry. He relied on me this much. “Hoseok,” I said. “Do you feel alone?”

He backed away and his confident facade faltered a little. He stared down at me with furrowed brows. “Huh?”

“Do you feel alone?”

He blinked and stared into the middle ground. “I…I guess so.”

“I don’t think this is what you need,” I said, slipping my hand from his. 

He stared down at me dumbfounded for a moment. “Excuse me?”

I shook my head sharply. “I don’t think this is right,” I said. “Hoseok, I care for you.”

He smiled, just barely, and nodded. “I care about you too.”

“And I’m not going anywhere,” I said.

He nodded again. “That makes me happy.”

“So you don’t need to do this,” I said, thinking of the right way to phrase what I was about to say. It needed to be said properly or he’d misunderstand. “You don’t need to date me to keep me from leaving.”

His eyes went wide and round. “Y/N, that’s not what I’m doing,” he began. 

“Then why do you want to date?” I asked carefully, watching for hints in his even expression.

He thought. “Because…I like you.”

“I like you too.”

“So what’s the problem?” he asked.

I chewed on my cheek and ran a hand through my hair. The pieces he’d tucked behind my ear came free again. “What about me do you like, Hoseok?”

“You’re kind and you don’t judge me. You make me want to do better,” he said without so much as a moment’s pause.

“But what about me do you like romantically?” I asked.

At this he went silent. “I…,” he started, then furrowed his brow. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Because it’s super important,” I said. “Hoseok, you don’t have to like me romantically to keep me around. I’ll stay because I’m your friend. And because I care for the person I’ve gotten to know.”

He stared at me with a shockingly unguarded expression, brows knit. “You…wait, you’re confusing me.”

“The only longterm relationship you’ve had has been romantic,” I said, piecing it together. “You’re trying to fill that space with me.”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Even though I don’t fit in that space,” I said, shaking my head. It became so clear to me, standing outside the karaoke room in that musty hallway, the sun setting somewhere outside. “Hoseok, do you even have romantic feelings for me?”

His eyes went wide. “I…never really thought about it.”

“Hoseok, I’m your friend,” I said, placing my hands on his shoulders. “I don’t need incentive to stay beside you.”

“You…you don’t?”

I nodded. “I don’t need anything.”

“So…even if we just hang out,” he said. “Play games and talk,” he continued, eyes flashing across my face. “Even if it’s just that much…you won’t leave?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Even though I showed you something scary? Something ugly about myself?” he asked.

“Yes.”

His shoulders slumped a little and he nodded. “That’s…a relief.”

“You’ve always felt like in order to keep people in your life, you had to act a certain way. Give them something,” I said with a soft smile. “But just being yourself is enough.”

He swallowed. “I…I still don’t know if you’re right. Because right now I kind of want to kiss you,” he said. 

I flushed and nodded. “I don’t think that’s what you need.”

“I…I don’t know yet,” he said.

I smiled. “You don’t have to,” I said. “But for right now, I think-,”

“Don’t say it,” he said, shaking his head. 

“I think we should stop here,” I said.

He looked at me, and I saw nothing but softness in his face. The sadness I’d grown used to during vulnerable moments was no longer so evident in his features. He seemed different now, open. And I knew looking at him that this was an expression I would never have seen as his girlfriend. The expectations, the implications, the obligations…it would have created yet another mask. He needed someone to care for him wanting nothing in return. No fake smiles, no dates, no exaggerated happiness. I wanted to help him, and I wanted him to help himself. Being with him that way…it would only send him further into his performance.

“I love you, Hoseok,” I said, smiling gently up at him.

He met my eyes and nodded. “You do?”

“The real you,” I said. “And I’m here. No matter what we are.”

And so began my third meaningful embrace in less than a week. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head in the crook of my neck. I hooked my elbows behind his neck and hugged him back firmly. He held me close and for a long moment neither of us said anything.

“Thank you,” he said.

I nodded. “Thank you for trusting me.”

He chuckled and pulled away. “I’m glad I did,” he said, then tilted his head to the side as he looked at me. “Can I give you a hint?”

“A hint?” I asked, confused.

He smiled. “Yeah. It’s a small hint, but I hope you can figure it out.”

“Um…sure,” I said.

He took a deep breath and nodded. “Check the top drawer.”

“Huh?”

“That’s the hint,” he said.

I blinked up at him, searching for an answer in his eyes, and saw nothing but a smile. “Okay…I’ll remember that.”

“You’ll get it eventually,” he said, then laughed. “God, why am I helping you guys?” he asked. “See? You’re already helping me become a better person.”

I rolled my eyes and gave a weak punch to his chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. But…you were already a good person, Hoseok.”

He ruffled my hair and smiled. “I’ll remember that.” He turned over his shoulder and glanced towards the door leading to our karaoke room. He pursed his lips. “I wanna sing a Beyonce song.”

I laughed. “Alright,” I said. “Maybe Yuna agreed to the duet. Let’s go see.”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we walked back into the room together. He sat beside me on the bench as the room was filled to the brim with laughter. Namjoon was belting lyrics at all sorts of notes: radically high and impossibly low. Jungkook laughed as he tried to keep up, but Namjoon was a showstopper in the front of the room. He began to rap Heize’s part in And July and Jungkook fall onto the arm of the couch laughing at Namjoon’s comically high impersonation.

I joined in the laughter and, for a moment, everything was calm.

“You guys down to go to a bar?” asked Hoseok, wiggling his eyebrows at us.

I shook my head as we all settled on the dark sidewalk. “I have class,” I said.

Yuna nodded. “So do we. How about this weekend instead?” she asked the guys.

Jungkook smirked at her. “Can’t get enough of me, huh?”

“Ew,” she said. “I take it back.”

Jungkook laughed and Namjoon shook his head. “We’re gonna go then. See you at the show?” he asked.

I nodded. “Sure. Oh, don’t stay out too late! I think it might rain,” I said, glancing up at the grey, rumbling sky. 

Hoseok smiled. “We’ll be safe,” he said.

I tossed a smile his way. “Better be.”

We said our goodbyes and the girls and I started on our way to the bus stop. Itaewon was loud even on weeknights, and people shuffled past us in the night. “You and Hoseok seem closer,” said Yuna, elbowing me.

I stiffened. “Oh, uh…we kind of ended things actually,” I said, glancing at her.

Her eyes were wide. “You what?” she asked.

I nodded, watching my uncomfortable shoes as I walked. “I realized that…,” I began, searching for the words and finding something Taehyung said in my brain. “I realized that it would be cruel to stay with him.”

“Why?” asked Haewon.

I smiled at my feet. “It’s complicated.”

“Does it have to do with Taehyung?” she asked.

I flushed. “I…partially,” I said, meeting her beseeching eyes. “We talked in Busan. I wanted to tell you guys about it, but I haven’t had the chance.”

The girls nodded. “Then, you’ve made up?” asked Haewon.

I nodded. “I understand him better now. I think…things make sense now.”

“If you guys are back on good terms,” began Yuna. “I think I have something I need to tell you.”

“Huh?” I asked, glancing at her.

“Wait!” called Haewon, swinging her arms in front of me. “What exactly happened?”

I pursed my lips. “He looked…like, sick. Like he hadn’t been sleeping well or eating properly. I think he realized he messed up.”

“He messed up? When?” asked Yuna.

“The night of the party,” said Haewon. “I told you he hooked up with that pink-haired girl.”

Yuna nodded as the recollection returned to her. “Ah, that’s right,” she said. “So he realized he messed up and then?”

“And then he wanted to talk to me about it. That’s why he came to Busan,” I said, pursing my lips. “I told him I didn’t want to hear half an apology. I wanted to talk it all out if we were gonna talk at all.”

“My queen,” said Haewon, clapping my shoulder.

I laughed. “It wasn't that cool. But, uh…it took all day, but we finally got to talk for real. And he explained everything. I realized that I hadn’t been there when he needed me. Like…like I’d let him down too. Without even knowing it.”

“Oh,” said Haewon. “My queen is weak.”

I shoved her lightly. “It’s true. We both fucked up.”

“Then?” asked Yuna, but her brows were knit in such a way that made me uneasy. What was bothering her?

“Then he apologized. For all of it,” I said.

She nodded. “That’s good then.”

“He should do more than just apologize. After all the shit he put you through-,” began Haewon.

I laughed. “I told you. We both did stupid things when we were young. And he thought he was doing the right thing.”

“My queen is stupid,” she said with a sigh. “I love a nice, stupid queen.”

“Shut up,” I said, chuckling. “Anyway, things seem…better now. Like how they used to be.”

“Have you spoken since?” asked Yuna.

I turned to her and thought. “No. We don’t text much to begin with. It would be weird if we started talking all the time.”

She furrowed her brow as we came to rest at the bus stop. I checked my watch. Only two more minutes until the bus came. “Did you smooch?” asked Haewon with a smirk. “Kiss and make up?”

I rolled my eyes. “No.”

“Missed opportunity,” she said, pouting. “Hey! Now you’re a free woman! You can do whatever you want with him.”

I cringed. “I don’t want to do anything,” I said. “And besides, Hoseok and I were never exclusive or anything-,”

“Um,” said Yuna.

I glanced at her. “Hm?”

“I really need to tell you something,” she said, brows knit.

I blinked at her. “Okay.”

“That night at the park,” she began, and my stomach dropped. Any sentence that began with mentions of that night meant something painful. “When I found you, it…wasn’t actually me who found you.”

I raised my brows and stared at her, her face yellow in the harsh streetlight. “What?” I asked.

“It wasn’t me,” she said. “I…I got a text from a number I didn’t know saying he got my number from, like, this chain of people he’d talked to. He asked someone who asked someone who asked someone-anyway, that’s not important,” she said, shaking her head and waving her hands. She was never this flustered. I had a horrible knot twisting in my stomach. “Anyway, at around three I got this text saying you were alone in a park, laying on a bench crying. And that I should come right away.” Rain drops fell quietly from above.

I flushed. “Someone was there…,” I began. “The only person who knew I would be there was-,” I swallowed the ball in my throat. 

“When I got there, I wanted to ask the person why they hadn’t just helped you, but by the time I arrived I saw them leaving. It was so late, and they were still there. Just…watching,” Yuna said with a sigh.

“Did you see who it was?” asked Haewon.

She nodded. “He was wearing a hoodie and he looked really different, but I recognized him immediately when he came onstage during that first concert,” she said. “It was Taehyung.” The rain began to patter against the bus stop overhang.

I shook my head. “He was…he was there all along?” I asked, tears welling in my eyes. 

Yuna nodded. “Must have been. He said in his first text that he'd been trying to get my number for hours. Or, anyone’s number who knew you I guess.”

“I thought you found me because I shared my location,” I said.

She shook her head. “I wouldn’t have come out looking if it hadn’t have been for that text. I knew you were kind of…prone to doing stuff like that. I figured you were probably okay.”

I raked my fingers through my hair and shook my head. “He got you to come…,” I said.

“Yeah,” she said. “I couldn’t tell you that night because you were just…so sad. And the next day you thanked me for coming to find you and for being a good friend and I just…I felt really bad for not going on my own. I couldn’t tell you.”

Haewon rubbed my back. “You okay?” she asked.

The bus rolled to a stop beside us. I shook my head. This changed…everything. The thing that had always hurt the most was his absence that night. The fact that even after begging him, crying for him, telling him I loved him, he still didn’t show up. I’d held onto that hurt the tightest all along. I blinked and breathed for a moment, desperately trying to collect myself.

The girls stepped onto the bus, Yuna hanging halfway outside and Haewon peeking at me over her shoulder. “Come on,” said Haewon, gesturing into the bus.

But I couldn’t get on.

“I…I gotta go,” I said, pulling my long jacket closer to my body and turning on my heel. 

“Where are you going?” called Yuna as I jogged out into the rain.

“I’ll call you!” I yelled over my shoulder, racing down the street. 

I was lucky enough to start my sprint as the rain was only beginning to spit. By the time I reached the front door of Bangtan’s apartment, I was only halfway soaked. I knocked on the door once, twice, three times and as I raised my fist to knock a fourth, the door swung open and revealed Jin with squinted eyes and glasses falling down the bridge of his nose, toothbrush in hand.

“What are you doing here? Isn’t it kinda late?” he asked, glancing at his watch.

“It’s only nine,” I said, shaking my head. “Can I come in?”

He nodded. “You’re pretty wet,” he observed.

“Yeah,” I said. “Is Taehyung around?” 

Jin glanced about the living room as I removed my shoes and found blisters swelling on my feet. “I think he’s out with Jimin grabbing groceries. Should be back any minute,” he said. “Why?”

“It’s urgent,” I said. Jin continued to stare at me with his half-shut eyes, and I began to feel like I was intruding on his space. I cleared my throat and fluffed out my wet hair. He simply watched me drowsily. “Um…can you tell him I’m waiting in his room?” I asked, pointing to the hallway.

He nodded. “I’ll tell him.”

I nodded in return before walking quietly into his bedroom. I found on his walls all those familiar paintings, sitting in all those mismatched frames. I ran my fingers along his bed before sitting down atop it, facing Hoseok’s wall with a sigh. If he didn’t get home soon, I’d explode and leave nothing behind but a small circle of rainwater on his comforter. I bounced my legs in anticipation, watched the clock on the wall, glanced out the window and twisted my upper body.

Check the top drawer.

I lurched upright. The top drawer? Quickly, I rushed towards Taehyung’s desk, the one I’d noticed the first time I’d entered this room. The one where he kept his notebook. My hands hesitated as they extended towards that wooden desk. If I opened it and my guess was wrong, not only was I invading his privacy but I was doing so needlessly. But my gut urged my fingers to clasp around the handle of the top drawer and slowly, I pulled it out. 

At first, it didn’t look like much. Atop a pile of many other things was that old notebook I’d seen him carry that day when I’d watched Hoseok perform in Hongdae. The one I’d teased him for. I removed it and placed it carefully atop his desk. I thumbed through some papers he kept in there and a few other full notebooks before my fingers hit something hard. Something glass. I pulled that glass something out from the drawer and held it in my hands. I didn’t have to look at it to know what it was. The weight of the frame in my hands and the feeling of it told me enough.

It was the copy of A Pair of Shoes I’d given him years ago.

It was the proof I needed that he’d never stopped caring for me. That I’d never become a ghost of a memory, a pleasant but distant life lost long ago. It laid in my weak hands like a heavy reminder of everything we’d ever been through together. I saw myself reflected in it and I saw the tears in my eyes, the flush in my cheeks, the wind in my wild, wet hair. Even though I’d changed, the painting hadn’t.

Even though we’d changed, what we shared hadn’t.

I set the painting down softly and reached for his notebook, flipping it open to the first page. I saw there a few songs that I dared not read. But one caught my eye as I paged through the book. One of the only ones with a title.

4 O’Clock.

The tears I’d been fighting fell and I clasped a hand over my mouth as I read the lyrics. I shook my head, falling into his desk chair and, sobbing, I continued reading. Suddenly I realized what Hoseok wanted me to find. Why he’d sent me here on the first day I’d visited here instead of the bathroom. I realized what he’d been trying to show me from the beginning.

The nameless bird that sings

In the park at dawn

Where are you

Oh you

Why are you crying

It’s only me and you here

Me and you

Oh you

“Y/N!” called Taehyung’s unmistakable, frenzied voice from behind me.

I turned to him and saw him standing in the middle of the room, the door shut behind him as he stared at me with wide, worried eyes. He was swimming in a grey cardigan and baggy shirt, but his color was better. He seemed to be sleeping. His eyes fell to the notebook in my hands, then lifted to the tears on my face. No words were exchanged as he slowly shook his head and blinked at me.

I set the book down and, without sparing a moment, I walked towards him and placed my fingers on his cheeks once more, like I had in Busan. He stared at me, still shaking his head. I smoothed my fingers over his skin, brushed his dark hair out of his eyes. He shook his head once again, but this time I held him in place and forced him to simply look at me. I couldn’t convey my thoughts with words, and this action wasn’t enough.

It wasn’t enough.

Slowly, I lifted myself onto my toes and, still holding his face between my hands, I pulled my face close to his and shut my eyes. I couldn’t see if he shut his, but as my lips ghosted against his I felt him exhale. Without moving too much, I pressed my lips against his. It was the first time. Tenderly, he tilted his head to the side and, so softly I almost didn’t feel it, let his hands fall to my waist. I wrapped my arms about his neck and held tight. There was nothing I could say that would explain more than this. This gesture. The cruelest thing he could do to me.

I knew he wouldn’t do it on his own.

So I let my fingers play with the ends of his hair as he moved gently against me, never once pushing me. For a moment that felt like eternity, butterflies raged against the inside of my stomach and our lips moved together in quiet synchronicity. I felt my skin becoming hotter, my cheeks growing red, my hands moving faster. 

Before I could do something too sudden, I pulled away and slowly opened my eyes to find Taehyung staring down at me, still shaking his head. “Why did you-,”

“I love you.”

His brown eyes went wider than I’d ever seen them and his grip on my waist tightened. I pushed his hair off his forehead once more and nodded my head. “But…you…”

“I love you,” I said. “I’ve always loved you. And I…I’ll love you even if you mess up.”

“I don’t…Y/N, you don’t need to say that,” he said. “I know you have-,”

“I love you,” I repeated. “I’ll keep saying it until you get tired of hearing it. I’ll say it until it’s finally enough. Kim Taehyung, I love you.”

He shook his head. “Please-,”

“I love you. I love you,” I said again. “I’ll keep on saying it until you believe it. Until you know you deserve it.” I forced him to look at me once again. “I love you. I lo-,”

He cut me off, abruptly pressing a kiss against my lips. The words caught in my throat as his soft lips were once again on mine. I blushed, eyes wide before shutting, and wrapped my arms around his neck again. His hands grew firmer on my waist and slowly, he had them hooked around my back, holding me in an embrace. He pulled away to leave a trail of kisses along my jawline which sent chills down my spine.

“Hey,” I said.

“If you say I love you again I’m gonna smack you,” he mumbled against my skin.

I smiled past the tears that had only just stopped. “I love you.”

He chuckled and pulled away. “I love you too, okay?” 

I nodded and met his eyes seriously. Before I could say anything more, he was kissing me once more. Instead of speaking, I shut my eyes.

[kateofthecanals]

Random Sandor musings...

I always find it so amusingly ironic that GRRM wrote this entire book series in which he laid all these little narrative traps for the reader to fall into, and damned if they don’t go wittingly tumbling right into them! We’ve all done it at some point, including myself.... taking unreliable narrators at face value, putting too much stock in prophecies, dismissing clues and foreshadowing because it seems “too easy” for the reader, over-punishing characters way beyond whatever their supposed infraction called for, etc. (Not so amusing, though, when the producers of the TV show tasked with adapting the story do this...) One example of this is how readers make the mistake of thinking that Sandor and Gregor are pretty much interchangeable. You know, like everybody in Westeros does??? This is, like, one of the biggest themes of his character arc, and I guess because he’s not a POV character, people miss this? Even though I feel like GRRM goes to great lengths to dispel that myth? Yet there the readers go, constantly missing the entire point...

I have also noticed a trend in fandom where readers seem to forget that this is a FICTIONAL STORY with the author making deliberate narrative decisions. They put way more stock in things that are off-page than they should. What I mean by “off-page” is, things that they assume must be true based on assumptions they’ve made about certain characters, even if it contradicts what’s in the actual text. Again, I turn to Sandor as an example -- people place all these crimes at his feet that we literally have no confirmation about in the text. Readers just assume he’s done all these horrible, unimaginable things, and perhaps he has, but what actually matters is what GRRM has shown us on the page. And what he’s shown us is a man who actively AVOIDS confrontation and violence whenever and wherever possible. These are intentional, conscious choices that GRRM made for this character. But because Sandor is such a shit-talker (seriously, if you compare his words to his actions, they rarely match up) that they just take him at his word. Once again falling into one of those carefully laid traps I mentioned above.

I bring this up because I still see words like “rapist” and “pedophile” and “murderer” being levied in Sandor’s direction, but they rarely come with any actual textual evidence to support them. BECAUSE THERE IS NONE. BECAUSE GRRM DOES NOT PROVIDE IT. #FOOTAGENOTFOUND Again, I think this has a lot to do with Sandor not being a POV character, but at the same time, choosing to tell his story through the perspective of two sisters is an ingenious ploy. All of Sandor’s blustering, macho posturing, and shit-talking is systematically stripped away by two of the most unexpected characters -- two traumatized little girls he feels compelled to protect. One wonders if part of his desire to protect them stems from the protection he did not receive from his own father. I mean, if we’re going to apply pre-ASOIAF headcanons to Sandor, that one makes more sense than the assumption that he has been raping and murdering his way across Westeros no different than his brother. Here’s a man who, probably not infrequently, was tasked with watching over Cersei’s children. Now, I’m not saying he possessed any actual paternal feelings towards those kids, but it seems likely that, in his own way, he offered a protection for them he himself did not get as a kid. It may not have been something he went out of his way to do for others (until Sansa came along), but I don’t think he ever went out of his way to harm them either. And those assumptions are based off information we DO have in the book. If you actually pay attention to what’s on the page with regards to Sandor, the idea that he’s this predatory, homicidal madman makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. 

ASOIAF is about reading between the lines, and so many readers out there not only read between the lines but try to read between the tiniest molecules that the lines are made of.... yet when it comes to Sandor, suddenly everything is to be taken at face value?? LMAO really?? Jaime Lannister is allowed to receive the benefit of the doubt after almost murdering Bran and willfully enforcing his father’s war crimes, etc etc, because, I dunno, he feels kinda bad and was nice to Brienne once? Meanwhile Sandor is literally sobbing as he confesses how he didn’t do enough to help Sansa, but because he fucked up one time during a PTSD episode and called her stupid a few times, he’s just the absolute Worst Human Being Alive. Yeah, okay. No, that’s not to diminish what he did during the BoBW, but I think we can safely chock that up to a serious Rock Bottom moment. Tyrion has been having them repeatedly in the last couple books, but y’all still rooting for him. Sandor fucked up big time, YES, but the actual person he did that to has been able to come around to the conclusion that extenuating circumstances were at play and that he deserves forgiveness. YOU may not think he does, but that’s irrelevant, sorry. It was GRRM who made the narrative decision that sweet compassionate merciful Sansa Stark (all traits you guys claim to love about her most) has forgiven Sandor Clegane. And the text has shown us, on occasion after occasion, that Sandor, for all his faults and flaws and emotional damage, is nothing at all like his brother. Period.

[shiirakis]

Royally Spellbound (1/2) || KageTsuki

Lmao it’s been a hot minute since I posted anything, 7 months to be exact lol rip me. This was supposed to be for the HQ Writer Zine but I dropped it when I realised it was getting too long lmao and now after months of not writing, I’m forcing my procrastinating ass to finish it.

AO3

The crown sits heavy upon his head, weighing him down but he knows not to slouch, to keep his gaze up and ahead, to continue his father’s legacy with the same fervour and determination.

Kageyama Tobio is fifteen when his father passes on.

The funeral is far too grandeur for his tastes, almost to the point of disrespectful to him at least. He finds that he can’t properly mourn over the loss of his father but he supposes it is all part and parcel of being in the public eye. There’ll always be time alone later.

Kageyama Tobio is fifteen when he succeeds the throne.

The intense scrutiny he is under does not faze him for he knows he’ll have to work for their respect. There are expectations to meet and responsibilities to fulfil so he steels his shoulders and stands tall just like his father would. There’s no time for weakness now.

Kageyama Tobio is fifteen when he realises it’s the end of his childhood with the weight of the kingdom resting on frail shoulders.

His trips to the stables becomes far more infrequent, his classes growing more intense under the tutelage of his father’s most trusted advisor. He hates it. It hurts his head to study politics and diplomacy but it’s not a choice he can make and his advisor knows that.

“Your Majesty, please return your attention to the text in question.” Sugawara is patient, more so when it comes to Tobio. He has watched the young king grow and he’ll continue to do so for as long as he can. “Tobio… I know it has been a long day but do bear with me for another hour at least.”

“Hinata’s taking good care of the horses…” Tobio doesn’t turn his gaze away from the window, watching the stable boy prance around with the horses and he wishes he could be there too. He could be there, practicing horseback archery just like how his father taught him. He could be there, messing around with Hinata who’s all smiles and joy.

But he can’t.

Sugawara ruffles Tobio’s dark hair, smiling at the sparkle in his eyes. His passion for horse-riding hasn’t diminished the least and it pains Sugawara to take it away from him, even if he shakes his head and tells Sugawara that it’s fine. “I doubt you’re in the mood for more studying so come on, there’s something important I need to show you… It has something to do with your father.”

Tobio whips his head round so fast at the mentioning of his father that it draws out a chuckle from Sugawara but he immediately sobers up and softly exhales. He thinks it’s too early for Tobio to know but there’s no telling when trouble could arise that might catch them unaware.

“What is it? Is it a secret?” Tobio curiously tilts his head, puzzled by the apprehensiveness in his tutor’s features. He doesn’t pry further when Sugawara responds with a quiet sigh and turns to leave, beckoning for Tobio to follow close.

They head to a part of the castle where Tobio hasn’t explored before. The hallways are darker, shadowed by the overhanging trees and he wonders if the chill he’s feeling is attributed to it. He has always been advised to avoid that particular section of the castle because of the dense forest that looms beyond the grounds. Past the flight of stairs, they finally arrive at a door that seemed like any other. It was nothing out of the ordinary; just a wooden door that’s aged with time and hanging on creaky hinges, but past it laid nothing like what Tobio expected.

He’s transfixed by the soft glow of the room, rows of potted herbs and flowers neatly lining the windowsills and the floor, shelves filled with books from edge to edge. While the forest behind blocked out most of the much needed sunlight, there were strange orbs of light floating round and it was enough to brighten the room.

“Kei,” Sugawara places a gentle hand on Tobio’s back for him to take a step forward. “This is—”

“Kageyama Tobio, the new king. Yeah, I got the message.”

Tobio’s never felt quite so irked by anyone before. Perhaps just the slightest in the beginning by Hinata but the mocking tone and the awful smug smirk the other boy had was grating on his nerves. “Who is he?”

“Your father…” Sugawara trails off for a moment, collecting his thoughts and the appropriate words to use. He needed to convey this delicately. No matter the status, Tobio is still a child after all—

“Your father uses my services to indirectly get rid of people he doesn’t like.”

“Kei!” Sugawara is aghast by the frankness that Kei exhibits in front of the young king, though he’s not surprised. Kei was never one to sugarcoat his words.

“I don’t see the point of fluffing it up just to make his father’s actions sound more appealing.” Kei gives a shrug and resumes trimming his plants. Those words did not sit well with Tobio though, who had no qualms in reaching for Kei and yanking him by the front of his shirt.

“My father was a good man! You don’t know anything!”

“Hah, isn’t it you that’s in the dark about everything?—”

“Silence!”

“Well your ‘good’ father hired me to plant curses on people!” Kei braces himself when Tobio raises his fist but a stern voice stops him in his tracks.

“Tobio, that’s enough.”

“Is it true? Did my father really do all that?” Tobio’s unyielding gaze bores right through Sugawara who only nods and he hopes that Tobio will eventually understand the turmoil his father had to go through in keeping their kingdom together. “Get this witch out of this castle!”

“We can’t do that Tobio.” Sugawara stops Tobio before he can protest. “We vowed to keep his family safe here for as long as we are around. You know our gardener, Akiteru? You’ve met him many times before haven’t you? He’s Kei’s older brother.”

“I have no intentions of using his services, can’t we just send them away?” His father will always be a good man to Tobio, and that is what will remain as a firm memory, regardless of the things he may have done.

Though as adamant as Tobio was, Sugawara only shakes his head with a solemn sigh. “We can’t just do that, Tobio… I suppose both of you got off to a bad start so perhaps you can start over? Both of you are of the same age! I could let you have a day off from your studies to show Kei your horse-riding skills?”

The counter offer was certainly tempting, and despite his immense dislike for the witch, he wanted no more than to spend time outside than in a stifling environment of a classroom. “As long as he doesn’t get in my way.”

“Lovely! I’ll block out half the day out of your schedule for tomorrow then! But for now, you still need to finish up classes for today so let’s head back, shall we?” Sugawara smiles at the quiet groaning Tobio lets out and discretely hands over a letter to Kei once the young king has stepped out of the room. “He did not forget about you and your family… You have nothing to worry about Kei.”

Kei waits till the door is shut before he breaks off the wax seal on the envelope. The penmanship in the letter is of the old King’s, shaky from illness and old age but nevertheless, written with a confident hand. The letter spoke of things the King had never told Kei in person but Kei had always understood the reasons for the decisions that had to be made and he had always been grateful for the fact that the King took him and his brother in and treated them like regular people.

“My job isn’t over yet I guess.” Kei muses before getting back to work.

-

Tobio wakes up more refreshed than ever in anticipation of the day ahead, hastily putting on his riding gear before heading down to the stables where Hinata had just finished grooming the horses. “Kageyama!—Uh. I mean uh!… Your Highness? Wait no, your Majesty!”

Tobio flicks Hinata’s forehead when he starts to bow. “Drop the formalities, dumbass. We’re not strangers.”

“Would be great if you were nicer to me now that you’re the king!” Hinata grins as he brings out Tobio’s mare. “Milk misses you a lot!”

“I miss her too—”

“You named your horse, Milk? Wow, that’s some creativity right there. Were you thirsty when you named her?” Tobio has barely begun to brush Milk’s snow white coat when Sugawara arrives with the witch, that condescending smirk still plastered across his face.

Tobio bristles, slowly brushing his horse’s coat as he glares at Kei. Rude, had he no respect? “What I name my horse is none of your business.” Strapping on the saddle, Tobio hops on and gallops off across the field, leaving the others far behind.

“And who might you be huh?! Do you know who you were talking to? He’s the king mind you! The king!!!” Hinata had no idea who the new guy was that came with the advisor but he was already starting to dislike him already.

“Oh my, I barely noticed you standing there, shrimpy. Whoops.”

Perhaps dislike was an understatement.

“Kei… Please control yourself.” Sugawara wonders for a brief moment if he was more of a babysitter rather than an advisor, remembering how he had to step in when Tobio and Hinata used to fight all the time. “Shouyou, this is Kei, one of our… Librarians. He’ll be helping Tobio in his studies so I’m hoping they’ll try and at least get along.”

“I will?”

“You will be helping Tobio, yes.” Sugawara shoots Kei a sharp glare that has him flinching and nodding stiffly. Once Tobio was back and more visibly relaxed, Sugawara clasps his hands with a gasp. “Tobio! Teach Kei how to ride a horse!”

Now this was not Kei’s domain, and while he knew it very well, so did Tobio.

The devious grin did not go unseen to which Kei immediately took a step back, protesting as much as he could but apparently the young king was having none of it. “What? Too scared of getting on a horse?”

“I’m just not interested in getting thrown off by an animal I’ve never been in contact with before.” Kei keeps his arms folded, unyielding even when Sugawara tries to tug him over to Tobio’s horse. “You can’t make me.”

“As your king, I order you to get your ass over here on the horse. Can’t go against that now can you?”

The pleading looks Kei directs to Sugawara is blatantly ignored with a shrug of his shoulders, forcing Kei to comply as he reluctantly trudges over to where the huge beast was. He gently strokes Milk, feeling more relieved when the horse doesn’t seem to react too badly but of course, he really should have known Tobio was up to something.

Barely giving Kei any time to adjust on the saddle, Tobio grins as he pats the horse’s rear. “Go!”

There Kei was, clinging on for his dear life as Milk gallops off, the others watching with dropped jaws and it wasn’t long before Kei’s shrieks grew softer with distance.

“…Tobio.” Exasperation was evident in Sugawara’s tone which Tobio was all too familiar with.

“Yes?”

“Please go get Kei.”

-

The rush of wind against Kei has him clinging even more desperately than ever until the horse slows to a trot. It takes a moment for Kei to release his grip, only to land on the muddy ground with a muted thud and a drawn out groan.

Tobio is hardly concerned as he makes his way to them and wordlessly leans over Kei who finally opens his eyes when he’s overcasted by a shadow. Even with his glasses askew, the shit-eating grin was crystal clear to Kei. Smug bastard.

“Didn’t realise you weren’t ready. Whoops.” The tone Tobio takes is hardly apologetic and the hand he holds out is nothing but a patronising gesture that Kei wants to swat away, but a better idea comes to mind.

He mutters something too quiet for Tobio to catch and it takes a second for Tobio to find himself yanked face first into the mud by a mysterious vine coiled round his ankle.

The petty revenge is sweet to Kei and he doesn’t hesitate in biting back. “Didn’t think you were this light on your feet. Whoops.”

[dapperfvck-arc]

BASIC.

FULL NAME. John Constantine NICKNAME. officially, Conjob, mostly from his days on the punk scene. On the esoteric side of things he may be referred to “The Laughing Magician” or, more derisively “a petty dabbler”. BIRTHDAY. May 10 (by original Hellblazer canon, he was born in 1953, but I’ve taken it upon myself to adjust his birth year to some time in the early 70s give or take) ETHNIC GROUP.  Caucasian NATIONALITY.  English (with strongly implied deep Russian roots) LANGUAGE.  English, basic grasp of most major European languages, profound fluency in dead/magical/infernal languages SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Bisexual af RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Verse/continuity dependent, though this blog is fairly heavily multi-ship. However, it should be noted that on the MCU continuity, John is in an exclusive, committed relationship with Matt Murdock ( @dcviltongued ) CLASS. Middle to lower class. Is very good at getting fast money (scams, gambling, dealing in magic artifacts/antiques of questionable quality and veracity) so may appear to be better off at certain times HOME TOWN / AREA. Liverpool, England, but has been living in London since leaving the family home at 17. CURRENT HOME. Heavily verse/continuity/thread dependent. John is a frequent traveller. PROFESSION. Somewhat verse/continuity dependent. Really it’s just a matter of whether or not he charges for exorcisms or magic rituals. My personal endgame for John is legitimacy. Like becoming a preternatural PI (and sometimes mundane) for hire or whatever. As a general rule though, his profession is con artist. He’s never worked a honest day’s work in his life. The closest he ever got was when he was a “rock star”. He could also be considered a professional gambler, patronizing horse tracks, underground card games, legal casinos, and I imagine can hustle at pool. Scams range from blackmail to using his reputation as an occultist to take advantage of people willing to pay for spell work.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR. Short and usually rather messy. He rocks bedhead pretty aggressively. May be shaved and very short on the sides and styled into a faux to actual mohawk. He’s very blonde despite not getting very much sun as a general.  EYES. Electric blue, often almost fever bright. Deep and captivating, extremely intense straight on. NOSE. difficult to pin down due to the range of styles in which John have been drawn. Usually broad and more or less regular, occasionally somewhat crooked from being broken, though by and large, it’s portrayed as straight. Some artists, such as Moriat and Sean Murphy have drawn it as narrow and somewhat aquiline. I guess, I tend lean toward the former despite my deep love for Murphy’s interpretation of John, simply because I feel like my choice in FC is somewhat based on Tim Bradstreet and Leonardo Manco’s artistic interpretations of John, both of which I honestly adore just as well. FACE. Yet another loooong explanation here, I’m sorry. Artists tend to lean between giving him either a square face, classically handsome appearance (Steve Dillon, John Higgins, Ron Tiner, most of artists that have drawn him in the DC titles he’s appeared in), a broader, more every man appearance (Sean Phillips, Leonardo Manco to some degree, though later proved quite capable of drawing him stunningly handsome, and Tim Bradstreet), however still attractive but somewhat more haggard, stubbled, and/or slightly seedy in appearance, and finally a sharper, more diamond shape to his face featuring high cheekbones, a pointed chin and fine bone structure (Sean Murphy, Marcelo Frusin, and Moriat). Once more, in reference to my face claim for John, I suppose I tend to favour a more classically handsome appearance, simply because I like the idea of him having a pleasant, almost trustworthy face given that he is a con artist and considered an extremely good one (sometimes even the greatest con artist alive but idk whatever), and I feel like looking as dodgy as say, Frusin’s interpretation, I can’t imagine him being as successful as he is, you feel me? That guy looks like he’ll fuck you over for a corn chip. LIPS. Sensuous, faintly lined from his his smoking habit COMPLEXION.  Like any good Englishman that tends to move about by night and quite a bit dressed, John’s very pale. I do think he has a faintly pronounced undertone of pink. This colour will get brighter when he gets drunk, aroused, angry, or the exceedingly rare instance that he’s embarrassed  BLEMISHES. None SCARS. Aside from the scarification, which is better off detailed in the next section, and I ALWAYS FORGET TO MENTION THIS, he definitely has a long scar over one eye from a demon trying to cut it out with a blade. Since many magic rituals call for blood, I head canon that he also has faint scarring on his arms because he doesn’t practice human or animal sacrifice and his own blood instead.

TATTOOS. Arse tattoo of pine tree courtesy of Swamp Thing being a punk bitch, ritual tattoos faded into appearing as scarification. HEIGHT. 5′11 (184.34 cm) WEIGHT: prolly ranges between 150-160lbs (140 at his lightest) BUILD.  Long legs, somewhat of a broad upper torso, can be a bit soft in the middle. In general, he’s rather thin but his musculature is not usually very defined. In other words, no big, sexy pecs or cut abs. If anything he’s more sleek lines and narrow planes. ALLERGIES.  none USUAL HAIR STYLE. Freshly fucked USUAL CLOTHING. Dark suits, usually dark blue or black and trench coat, usually tan, has also been portrayed as black, yellow, or a mossy kinda green. In theory it could be said that these aren’t just differing interpretations from artists but that John owns coats in different colours, styles, and fabrics, but his favourite is the tan, longer style

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR. abandonment, amounting to nothing, not being able to protect those he cares about ASPIRATION. survival, making some kind of mark on this world, a measure of contentment POSITIVE TRAITS. Compassionate and determined, above all. Though not about to admit to it, he's still deeply idealistic. Strangely forgiving. He doesn’t really keep grudges. Loving, considerate, understanding, and rarely judgmental  NEGATIVE TRAITS. Those good things up above? They’re encased in a shell of harsh cynicism and apathy. Depending on his mood or particular part of his life depends on how hard a shell he is to crack. He may also experience depressive periods where he doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything and just wants to drink. VICE HABIT.  Chain smokes, drinks, frequency dependent on what’s up in his life, though I do not believe he’s an alcoholic, sorry, because lol look, drinking a lot doesn’t mean you have a dependency. Indulges in drugs infrequently, mostly hallucinogens and weed, though I also tend to head canon that he flirted with a cocaine habit while fronting Mucous Membrane.  FAITH.  It’s complicated GHOSTS? Duh. He sees them plain as any living person AFTERLIFE?  Yeah, but uh, he doesn’t consider them eternal respites. They’re just planes of existence that he can either enter, leave, or pull people out. REINCARNATION? Maybe? ALIENS? I meeeeaannn....technically in DCU he’s acquainted with the concept of aliens and may or may not have fucked Hal Jordan POLITICAL ALIGNMENT. Liberal ECONOMIC PREFERENCE. comfortable  SOCIOPOLITICAL POSITION. working class warlock EDUCATION LEVEL.  Predominately self-educated. His frightfully intelligent and has been cited as having genius level intellect. Although I’m not sure I’d go so far as confirm that, I do thing he’s extremely clever and pragmatic. School bored him to tears and he was the type of kid the counselors and teachers say “exceedingly bright but unwilling to apply himself”. He reads voraciously, has an eidetic memory, and isn’t afraid of putting himself in new situations.

FAMILY.

FATHER.  Thomas (dead, murdered by the Family Man) MOTHER.  Mary Anne (died in child birth) SIBLINGS.  Cheryl (murdered by husband, currently residing in Hell), an unnamed twin brother referred to as the Golden Child or Boy, the true heir to the Laughing Magician (stillborn, soul was later absorbed by John in trippy magic ritual, only to be expelled later in life when it was revealed that...uh...he was influencing John’s destiny to be perpetually sabotaged. Hellblazer’s a weird comic, you guys) EXTENDED  FAMILY.  Gemma, his niece. They have a rather stormy relationship. Chas, his best mate. Lovers may also be included in this. NAME MEANING. John: Jehovah has been Gracious/Shown Favour (lmao) Constantine: Constant, steadfast, generally referred to as “The Constant One”

HISTORICAL CONNECTION. Is strongly implied that John’s related, if perhaps distantly, to Constantine the Great.

FAVOURITES.

BOOKS.  Prefers non-fiction MUSIC. Rock music, most notably 70s and 80s era punk rock. Likes the Pogues. Given the stack of evidence that John skirts the edge of the Goth scene cos he likes the aesthetic on women, I have a feeling he’s adopted into his music tastes. The Cure, Smiths, and Cocteau Twins in reference to an 80s mixtape John might make. Which i question the Smiths heavily, but The Cure and Cocteau Twins seems fairly legit. I bet Kit loved the Cocteau Twins. In that same vein of thought, although I tend to think John doesn’t like electronic music, he may have adopted some industrial bands into his preferences but he’s not about to talk about ti any time soon. DEITY.  Whichever one doesn’t hate him HOLIDAY.  doesn’t care MONTH. same SEASON.  Fall PLACE.  London or New York, in the case of sentimentality that he will never be able to get back to, the years when he was bumming around Ireland with Brenden and Kit WEATHER. Overcast SOUND.  He’s a city boy through and through, even if he may get frustrated with society on a whole, so he’s comforted by city sounds more than silence SCENT.  A freshly poured pint, the first cigarette of the day, skin and sex sweat TASTE.  Gin FEEL. He’s a sensualist. Body to body, breathing another person’s breath, his please, another person’s pleasure, his pleasure, all that good stuff. I also feel like he enjoys being drunk or stoned for the sake of having his thoughts dulled to a degree. He’s the sort of man who has lots of thoughts and situational observational input. John is basically perpetually mentally overstimulated and he likes the relief from that in inebriation. ANIMAL.  Fox  NUMBER.  hahaha idea numerology man COLOUR.  warm and neutral tones

EXTRA.

TALENTS. So many. He’s a jack of all trades in a lot of ways. He can pick a lock, displays some artistic talent in that he can draw very intricate magic circles and sigils, if you consider that John wrote Venus of the Hardsell, he’s clearly got some ability to express himself in lyrics and words, i like to think he can play guitar, is apparently good with delicate craftsmanship (he used to help Dani build furniture for her dollhouses. This is canon by the way), suppose you could say he can sort of sing, but that’s debatable, and of course he’s very manipulative and speaks very well, is educated enough to be able to bullshit through various situations. TURN ONS. Total ass man, loves a great ass on a man or woman, dark hair, dark eyes, strong men, he’s a switch, but loves being manhandled and dominated to a degree, by either gender, honestly, danger, open affection, being wanted, loved, and cherished. So many things, honestly. John Constantine is easy. TURN OFFS.   Hardcore kink HOBBIES. Sleep, pub crawls, pretending he’s normal, reading TROPES. Con man with a heart of gold, charming bastard, unrepentant rogue, urban magician, supernatural detective, living legend AESTHETICS. smoke, chalk dust, wind and rain swept streets, London after midnight, narrow, dark alleys, haunted places, rumpled bed sheets, messy hair, dive bars, wicked smiles, deep kisses

FC INFO.

MAIN  FC. Ewan McGregor // comic caps from various issues he’s appeared ALT  FC. Keanu Reeves for my filmverse OLDER  FC. Don’t have one as yet YOUNGER  FC. Ewan McGregor   VOICE  CLAIM.  Jason Stathem

Tagged by: @vamptrampbamf Tagging: lmao fuckin everyone.

[saveclementine]

Andromeda Thoughts Part 2

My positives of the review! Spoilers below.

The two things that I thought they totally nailed in Andromeda were the characters and the combat. The combat was just fun as hell. I LOVED having the different profiles. I do wish that we could have at least one more power equipped at a time, but man... switching was really fun for me! I’ve seen that a lot of people skip using Favorites but I really enjoy it and recommend it.

But oh my god THE CHARACTERS. Where do I even begin. Ryder was just... everything. I fucking love Ryder. I played default Sara with mostly emotional/humorous responses and I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I love that they went for such a fleshed out protagonist. I’m not really much of one for extensive headcanons in RPG protagonists so I really like when the game gives you lots to build on. I much prefer the Ryder/Hawke types of protagonists for this reason. Now, I think replayability will suffer a bit here... I don’t think there are quite as many variances possible with Ryder as there were Shepard. But from a pure first playthrough point of view, HELL YES to Ryder. Also... I actually really really like her default appearance and think she’s gorgeous. Fuck you, Reddit. I just love how young and goofy and fresh Ryder is... she’s such an absolute joy. One of my absolute favorite scenes was when Kallo had to show her how to use the galaxy map. She was so young and vulnerable in that moment and it just broke my heart! What a brilliant contrast from Shepard. I also loved how they showed her struggling to lead a bit.. the part where everyone walks away from her first meeting before she dismisses them was great. I really wish they had explored that a bit more. I liked the followup when she makes everyone stay until dismissed later on haha.

I also LOVED LOVED LOVED the squad. Oh my god so good. Now I do have to say one criticism here- I do think poor Vetra did not get what she deserved. She really wasn’t fleshed out enough in my game. I wanted to see more of her being a smuggler badass! I liked the story with Sid and I liked her banter, but I kinda kept forgetting that she was there because beyond her intro and the opening in Kadara she just kinda faded into the background. I really wish they had shown her personality more and given her more to do.

I loved the FUCK out of everyone else. The huge surprise for me was Drack- I generally am not too huge on the krogan squadmates (*GASP*). He’s the best one they’ve ever done by a mile. I think the trick was the old age/Kesh storyline- it developed him emotionally in a way that wasn’t just HE’S A KROGAN AND THERE’S A GENOPHAGE AHHHH. At first meeting I didn’t think I would like Peebee but I think they did a really good job with her overall. Her finally opening up to the squad was wonderful. Jaal is such a great bro lmao. And aww Cora is so awesome! Someone on reddit called her a weeablue and I’ll never not think of that now lmao.

But ummmm y’all... LIAM. Oh my god. My favorite by far. Now I seem to have a major type when it comes to BioWare games... I always fall head over heals for the straight due companion everyone else hates. And ho boy did I manage to do it this time. I highly advise never going on reddit but if you do... EVERYONE HATES HIM OHMYGOD. It breaks my heart!!! He is so pure and kind and excited and a lil bit dumb sometimes but it ok. The couch! The playlists with every email! THE LOYALTY MISSION. Ugh he is wonderful. Liam was also my romance of course and I really really enjoyed it. So sweet and romantic! now, do I wish it had a full sex scene like Cora’s? Let’s be honest here... yeah. I also wish we could have gotten a full “I love you!” scene whenever that first happened. But overall I’m really really satisfied, especially with the jump jet scene and THE FUCKING SCENE RIGHT BEFORE THE CREDITS AHHHHH. Now it would have been a weeeee bit better if he hadn’t kissed her with his eyes open buuuut.... I’ll forgive. I need more Liam so fucking bad ahhh. 

I thought that overall the squadmates (exception being Vetra) had a great amount of content. I LOVED THE EMAILS. So good. I do wish they’d use the Crew Info Board a lot more? That was so cute and it got updated so infrequently.

Let me just say though- I loved Kallo, Suvi, and Lexi, and I should have loved Gil, but that whole Jill storyline was just... holy fuck. Why. Jill was ABHORRENT. One thing that doesn’t get mentioned too much about her is that when you go to meet her Gil tells you she will probably ask you to reverse your hormone blockers (aka your birth control) and ummmm.... was anyone else as absolutely horrified by this as I was? I think people more eloquent than me have said what needs to be said about the whole reproduction/baby thing there but... god why. I was cringing and facepalming pretty much every time I talked to Gil. Really unfortunate, especially when paired with how much of a disappointment the m/m romances were... something went REALLY wrong here.

I’m going to sum it all up in part 3!