#i felt so bad for cath

[lilcathsmith]

Greg in every episode of CSI (87/328) • Down The Drain •

[marigoldbaker]

descending into deadlochposting on main i don't even care. this show is SO GOOD. i think the thing that really stuck with me throughout every episode is how committed it is to not fucking up women, and especially women of color, just to have a Plot Point + for Emotional Resonance!!! every woman on this show gets an ending that feels earned. (and yes that does include margaret carruthers.) there is just so much love woven into this narrative but they still manage to capture the grim miserable reality of patriarchy without EVER reducing a female character we care about to a Murder Victim or having her horrifically brutalized as an ending!!!! like holy shit, guys, it's actually fucking possible! you can create horror blended perfectly with humor and never actually fuck women over!!!

and yeah actually as a woc it felt really fucking good to watch a show where i got to see women of color (aleyna and tammy and sharelle and miranda and faye my beloved <333) just thrive and be silly and stupid and terrible and also lovable. and also, oh my god, revolutionary, NOT GET MURDERED, even though this is literally a fckin murder show!!! i said to my dad like midway through the series that i just got this sense the show understood how goddamn hard it is to watch television sometimes waiting for that character you love, who looks like you and has life experiences that resonate with you, to get killed, or to be treated like she's not important, and how dedicated it is to not just killing off women for shock value. every woman in this show mattered and had meaning and dimension.

because seriously, SO MANY INCREDIBLE WOMEN!!! abby with her perfect little haircut driving off into the sunset saying Of Course She Knows She's Right About Forensics. aleyna and her husband, her whole heart!!!! vanessa who in a lesser show would have been reduced to The Bad Woman, The Bigot, but we are shown how she has been abused and mistreated by men and how that's so informed her perspective + her genuine love for her son! sharelle who lays down the hard truths, who calls them out -- "all this civility but no fucking community" !!! miranda who learns that she doesn't want blood money from a woman who looks down on her cousin! tammy who is literally just all about that footy club the entire time even as men are being murdered and that's honestly so real of her. skye o'dwyer who perfectly captures that Emotionally Unavailable Dad energy except she's a lesbian and i love her. nadiyah who is Trying Her Best :) And Gritting Her Teeth About It :) faye who has no god damn patience for margaret carruthers and all kinds of blunt determined love for her niece and her daughter. vic who throws herself under the bus because she's just so determined to protect anyone she can after the women in this town protected her and kept her secret for so long!!! cath who parents her emotions and is definitely relentless in her guilting but also so relentless in her love. MARGARET CARRUTHERS WHO EXEMPLIFIES SHITTY RICH WHITE WOMAN. and of fucking course, the legends, the buddy-cop duo of all time, dulcie and eddie, who are just perpetually going around like this

except it's not even working because eddie chewed the leash off.

favorite show of the year by far. so so happy about it. rotating it joyfully in my brain for the next week, probably longer.

[jrow]

May Prompts (5)

Day 4 here. Day 6 here.

Awkward

“This part is a bit awkward. Sorry, John.”

He’s been aware of the nurse doing various checks on him, but this is the first time she’s spoken. When he feels her his gown and start doing something around his cock and balls, he feels obliged to say something. From his perspective silence only makes this more awkward.

“So, I have a cath then,” he croaks out, opening his eyes halfway. It’s so damn bright in here. He’s suddenly keenly aware of how thirsty he is. He’s also keenly aware that he doesn’t really know what’s going on.

“Well, hello there!” the nurse says, brightly. He recognizes her voice—did he talk to her before? “You’re awake!” She continues to do her work under his gown, and John can feel his cheeks redden. “And yes, of course you have a catheter. Standard for this kind of thing, as you well know doctor.”

He’s about to argue that he actually doesn’t know what kind of thing is even happening but decides the need to drink is more pressing.

“Thirsty,” he rasps. He turns his head and winces. His head is pounding and he feels awful. It's bad enough that he can't be bothered to continue feeling embarrassed that a random woman is currently cleaning a tube shoved up his urethra.

“Of course,” the nurse says, lowering his gown. In a flash she is by his side with a cup of water. John shifts to drink and notices a familiar feeling under his arm. He looks down and his blood goes cold.

“Sherlock,” he says, alarmed, water (and his own discomfort) entirely forgotten. “Where is he?” Even John is smart enough to deduce he’s in a hospital, but he has no recollection of why. If he got hurt, there’s a non-zero chance that Sherlock did too. Why else would his coat be here? John feels his heart rate accelerating and a machine starts beeping loudly. He has another, equally terrifying thought. “And Rosie, where’s Rosie? Are they okay?”

Think, John. Remember!

"Calm down, it's okay, nothing happened to them,” the nurse says, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I assume Rosie's your daughter, then? Mr. Holmes left to a few hours ago to take care of her. Said he'd be back after he dropped her off at nursery." She chuckles. "He was a bit of a mess last night, but he took the time to rant at me about the substantial empirical evidence that routine is crucial for young children, even more so in times of crises.” She leans closer and lowers her voice. “To be honest, I think he was trying to convince himself. I suspect he felt guilty about leaving.”

Warmth fills John's chest. "That sounds about right. And err...sorry about him. He can be difficult when he’s a …. mess.”

"No apology needed," she replies. "He was a bit of an arse between the tears, but," she drops her voice again and whispers, "only to the doctor, really, and he deserved it. He’s good but he has a touch of an ego.”

“So does Sherlock,” John says with a chuckle and then grimaces as pain radiates across his chest. God, his whole body hurts.

“I noticed,” the nurse replies, with a wink. “Two egos like that … well, let’s say it got a bit tense.” She leans back. “Now drink and then I’ll see about getting you something for the pain.”

John complies, focusing on the feeling of cold water moving down his throat. When he’s done, the nurse pats him on the shoulder and puts the cup down.

“I’ll go fetch your doctor,” she says as she looks at her watch. “And your Sherlock should be back soon. Hopefully they’ll be able to answer all the questions I can see you have.”

“Good,” he says through a yawn. He closes his eyes, suddenly very tired.

The nurse makes a sound of agreement. “You can rest now if you like.”

John thinks he will.

@calaisreno @raina-at @totallysilvergirl @meetinginsamarra @lisbeth-kk @jolieblack @friday411 @helloliriels @safedistancefrombeingsmart @keirgreeneyes

Let me know if you want the added or removed from the tags!

[defilerwyrm]

May i ask how's the recovery process after gender affirming surgeries?

If you mean how's it going now: my last surgery was in 2022 so at this point I'm 100% healed up. I was SUPPOSED to get my implants in December 2023 but my insurance company has been fucking me over at every turn so that's still on hold.

If you mean how was it at the time:

Top surgery (2018) was pretty easy for me since I have a desk job. I stayed with family in town for the first 2 weeks, during which time I basically did nothing but sleep, wake up long enough to use the toilet, take a dry shower, eat something, take more pain meds, then go back to sleep. I had 4 weeks off work, so after that I was a little sore and still confined to button-down shirts because I couldn't raise my arms above shoulder level; then I went back to work and all was normal for the next month. But...

Because I am an unlucky son of a bitch, I had a rare complication: I developed a seroma that dehysced (i.e. a hole opened up along my suture line that leaked large amounts of greasy, bright orange fluid made up of lymph and blood), which was not painful at all but was absolutely disgusting and very alarming to experience—but not a medical emergency or anything, and was easily fixed with a revision surgery. I took another 2 (I think?) weeks off work and it's been fine ever since. The left side of my chest is a little funny but I don't really care, it was fully worth it. Please note that I did not have drains. If you have drains, you're even LESS likely to have this problem.

Hysterectomy (2019) was much the same: I slept through the first two weeks and spent the next 2 in a recliner with an ice pack on my lower belly, playing a lot of Stardew Valley and getting into Critical Role. I was lucky enough to live with a friend who loves cooking. I ate a lot of soup. The soreness wasn't that bad, but I have a policy of staying ahead of the pain by using timers for how often I should be taking them. The worst part of it was the pain meds, tbh, because I really don't like the way oxycodone makes me feel; at the same time, I'm grateful for that fact because it keeps me from forming a habit.

Phalloplasty etc (2021) was kinda rough to start. I had 3 months off work that time. Slept through the first 2 weeks as usual. But for the first 3 weeks total I had a suprapubic catheter in and man I fuckin' hate being cathed. I felt like I needed to pee at all times, even immediately after draining the cath bag. Awful. Learning to pee standing up was...let's just say I did a lot of laundry and cleaning, lol. This was made worse by the fact that I had two fistulae (holes that go through the urethra all the way to the outside)—like I said, I've got bad luck. One of them healed up all on its own, like most of them do. The other one required a revision 8 months later, which meant being cathed again for a while, SIGH. But back to post-op for phallo: I had physical therapy for my left arm to make sure I kept a good range of motion; I kept the graft bandaged with daily gentle cleanup, application of ointments, and rebandaging; and had to take dry showers for the first uhhhhh. 2 weeks at least, maybe 3 or 4? After I got the cath out, things were MUCH easier. I was just kinda vaguely tired and sore and spent most of my time lying down. My libido came back at the start of the 2nd month, which was frustrating af because it wasn't till the start of the 3rd month that I was healed up enough to do anything about it (but once I could, holy FUCK it was incredible).

[crowleychild]

Stede sees Ed's "Trust no one" tattoo

When Ed nodded, Stede got lost. He got lost into his sweet brown eyes, into his touch, into his lips, those he had dreamed of kissing for so long.

The months they were apart, Stede knows they weren't kind to Ed, and now he only wants to love him in every way he knows to assure Edward that he was loved, he is loved, and that that wouldn't dessapear in an instant. To assure him that he means it.

Carefully, he started kissing Ed's neck, always waiting a bit in case he wanted to stop him, but he just let out a shaky breath of surprise and pleasure. While being kissed, Edward himself started untying Stede's shirt, to get rid of it. Any piece of clothing was far to much for him.

Predicting his intentions, Stede moaned on his neck and got rid of the shirt roughly, so he could continue with what he was doing. Slowly, he began to move both of them across his quarters, heading towards the bed. With a heavy groan, they both fell over it, Ed below Stede. Gazing into eachothers eyes, amazed and full with love, they kissed in the mouth, slower this time. Enjoying it. Stede put his hand on Ed's cheek, and, with a smile, he got up. Ed let out an angry grumble, wanting the blonde over him again, following his body until he was sitting on the bed, but Stede put a hand on his chest for stopping him. Then, he just closed the courtains to give them more privacy. Ed could only look at him with calm, waiting. He knew what was about to happen and he wanted Stede, all of him.

Again by his side, it was Ed's turn to make the first move. He kissed the blond eagerly, while his hands went all over Stede's torso. He then moved his lips towards his chest, kissing his shoulders, and he couldn't resist to kiss the burn scar from before. Stede let out a shaky breath, and Ed look at him. Stede nodded and Edward started to kiss the hell out of his chest, no longer refraining himself. Both of them gasped, already really excited between their legs.

-Ed - Stede managed to say- Your shirt. Out.

With no question and in no time, the shirt was on the floor and while Ed explored Stede's collar bone, he began to touch Edward's abs and chest. He wanted to feel it all, to feel conected to him, to have him right now.

Since things where already hot, Stede felt comfortable turning Ed around and almost jumping over him. He was starting to loosen Ed's pants when something caught his attention on his back.

A huge tattoo, all over his lower back. A huge skull with the words "Trust no one" written just below it.

Ed, meanwhile, was feeling impatient by the lack of kisses or some touch on his back. He let out an angry groan again, while trying to recover his breath. Only when Stede talked, he froze.

-Oh Ed... - he whispered.

"Fuck" he thought "the tattoo". Inmediately, he turned around to face Stede, who stepped aside to face him as well. They looked into eachothers eyes, waiting for one of them to say something.

-I am so sorry Ed- the blond speaked- I hurted you pretty bad.

-Yeah- he responded, whispering- but you are here, now. Please, forget about it for now. I don't want to think about those days...

His voice broke, and Stede kissed his cheeks, mouth, eyes and forehead, gently.

-I'll never leave again. Promise- it was all he could say. He couldn't make those terrible months disappear, he couldn't pretend like he hadn't left, but he was here and he wanted to fix things. He was ready for whatever happen.

-Promise- he repeated.

Soon he was over Ed again, kissing him non stop. When he turned him around again, he trailed kisses all over his back, lovingly.

-I'll never leave you, Ed

They made love that night, slow and gently, and then they both laid down, cathing their breaths. Ed hugged Stede and buried his face on his neck. Stede kissed him on his head and they fall asleep. Ed trusted Stede, Stede trusted Ed an that's all that mattered.

[omegaremix]

Lindenhurst.

I lived in Brentwood for much of my timeline; mostly at my childhood home and later moved down the road not too far away post-Stony Brook. The latter move was a result of me refusing to move down to Myrtle Beach with my parents. I never had any desire to leave New York State and I never had enough of visiting New York City. Around the time, the economy plundered. I went broke and applied for the first job opportunity that was open in order to survive. I had no idea that place would ruin me. For most of the time at the second Brentwood residency, I wasn’t feeling 100% because of constant targeting of management and their crony co-workers. It took me a while to get back on track and eventually whatever I lost I gained back and more. I discovered a few key artists that made me see the light. I got back into broadcasting with a new radio show, and I finally re-united with Cath- whom I haven’t seen in a few years due to her addiction and sordid history.

But, some things turn sour that’s not your fault. Ma’ commits suicide and your dad ends up moving back in with you. You end up working two jobs without a day-off in near vicinity. Cath-’s #1 dies of a heroin overdose and she cuts off all ties from you with absolutely no reason given. Your unemployed gamer landlord doesn’t put in his fair share of rent and utilities, so you end up with no internet and you’re literally freezing because there’s no running heat or hot water for all of winter. Of all the major events going on, that final one had my bro- take notice. He was living with his lady and their first-born in Lindenhurst. He felt so bad learning I was living with no utilities that he not only offered me to move in with him to Lindenhurst but also into a new house. I shouldn’t say ‘offered’. He told me so. Sure. I wasn’t complaining.

I had about a week to pack up all the loose ends and was told to take out all my records, discs, cassettes, VHS tapes, and DVDs from the drawers and throw them in giant bins. Him and his friends managed to lift all the furniture up out of the old Brentwood residency and into the new one in Lindenhurst. It was my duty to take some of the smaller boxes of personals to stuff in the trunk, back seat, and passengers’ seat of my car.

I’d be leaving behind the un-mopped dingy floors, the eventual basement floods, and the other disused soot-ridden rooms which the former random inhabitants lived in. One ‘neighbor’ who lived in the adjacent room from me came home on the weekends totally wasted that he collapsed face first on the floor as soon as he walked in. He almost caused a house fire by forgetting the bag of popcorn he was cooking in the microwave. And the best one – get ready for this - was when a fully nude lady almost walked into my room. It was his prostitute looking for him. Jesus Fucking Christ.

I went to work and was told by my bro- that everything would be moved in the same day, so just come to the new house in Lindenhurst. I had no idea how good I had it. My new room was up on the second floor and triple the size of my previous one. Carpeted floors. Windows that faced the peeking sun. Low-flying passenger jets. A wider, larger closet space, and a pair of smaller doors revealing an attic for storage. Plus, being in Lindenhurst meant that three record stores were in near vicinity: West Babylon’s Looney Tunes, Amityville’s High Fidelity, and Massapequa’s Infinity Records. Lindenhurst had quickly become a favorite place to live in.

I arrived from work on a sunny 70* Sunday. June 1st to be exact. Most of what I kept from my childhood home and the previous residency came with me to Lindenhurst such as a gumball machine, my gramma’s Lafayette LR-810 receiver, and a massive Philips 24” CRT TV that would paralyze anyone attempting to lift it. All of it was there and a few boxes of my audio / video library. I wasn’t interested in unpacking. Not just yet. Our wi-fi network was set-up. That was the most important thing to me. I haven’t had consistent wi-fi in six months. The first thing I looked up was to see how Cath- was doing despite her taking everything we had and throwing out the trash as if it was nothing. Good news: she’s started a new life solo in Arizona and has been clean for one month.

The first finds to mark my new stay in Lindenhurst? Someone had posted Pharmakon’s “Xia Xinfeng” where her murderous screams break through a fully-running frigidly cold hum. I was sold instantly. The vinyl-finds groups lead me to Mass Production and Peter Brown; soul-jazz and pop respectively. I stuck with the L.I.E.S. label after fully enjoying Ron Morelli’s solos for a quite a while, all released through Dominick Fernow’s Hospital Productions. His label compilation, Music For Shut-Ins, supplied Samantha’s Vacation, Svengalisghost, and Legowelt. Omar Souleyman started gaining a name for himself in the states. Experiencing “Kell Il Banat Inkhatban (All The Girls Are Engaged)“ is truly something. I never heard keyboards go that crazy. Then we have WUSB’s own Alice, dee-jay of Nightmare Aquarium. Without her, I wouldn’t have known who Ariel Pink and William Onyeabor were. I credit her for introducing me to the magically sublime Black Marble.

Nary did I have a day off during that Summer I moved in. I could only count four…maybe six total. The electronics place finally gave me full time, double-dealing between that and part-time at the Italian market. The only stand-out moment I had during the hotter months was getting lost somewhere in the sunny woodsy section of Mastic looking for Nicole’s residency which I did find an hour late. Nowadays, one listen to A Different Arrangement instantly takes me back to those June Sundays.

Autumn came. The days were getting cooler and darker. Driving past Argyle Pond coming home from work became a staple memory with synthwave vibes of “Fright Night” from Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti forever attached to it. Hospital Productions gave me another artist to savor in the Italian-based Ninos Du Brasil  with their dying-hot exotic techno sounds. Suicideyear would be distinct to the season and to Lindenhurst alone which makes their sound personal in my book. Another neighborhood memory, Dual Action’s “NC-17 Drive In”, is forever intertwined to the Autumn soul. Our WUSB hip-hop dee-jay Dr. Ceus played me SpaceGhostPurrp’s “Mystical Maze” adding another bookmark in this asterisk time. Mono/Poly’s “Alpha Omega”, Lussuria’s “Mondo Narcotico” and “Keys To Unlock Paradise (Roman Showers)” from American Babylon,Function & Vatican Shadow’s Games Have Rules, the obscure Axxa/Abraxas’ “Waiting Daze”, and selections from The Bug’s Angels & Devils left their imprints on another feel-good season at Lindenhurst.

Before I knew it, my streak of 83 straight days of work was finally broken a few days before Thanksgiving. I came to visit the market for my hours to see that I was written out of the grid. Week after week it became a normal occurrence. I’ve been giving them my other hours in time without fail but now no more results. No discussion, no rhyme or reason why. I was let go without any notice. It was a blessing, however. A soft end to six years of non-stop belittling, boys-club behavior, and endless soul-torturing has finally been put down to die.

Winter was where things started to get fucked for discoveries; like the ‘parenthesis’ in an equation. My ex- Yenny is leaving for Lima and she’s asked me to house-sit for her in Hauppauge. A two-week stay meant all music discoveries default there. A residency inside a residency. Before and after, XXYYXX’s only full-length and two finds from the Ze label Xmas Record, Suicide’s “Hey Lord” and Alan Vega’s “No More Christmas Blues” are embedded in those frosty, chilly Winter days back in Lindy-. The latter two would be put on pause as I walked a couple of blocks to the bagel place for a heavy baked breaded breakfast.

Then came a March announcement from my bro-: we’re moving to Ronkonkoma. This was unexpected. He was excited to start a new point in his life. His lady was expecting their second child and wanted something even nicer than what we have. There was no issue with where we lived. I had none and truly wanted to stay longer. But, what my bro- was selling us on that we’d upgrade from the slightly crowded residential streets, noise-polluting airplanes, and highways across every direction for a gentler, calmer, at-peace setting of historical context, well-manicured lawns, trails, veteran’s parks, and a 4.5 square-mile scenic lake. To me, Ronkonkoma was Record Stop on Portion Road, punk luminary Jimi LaLumia’s Record Connection on Hawkins Road, and what used to be Lakeside’s bar where I’d go for some small-scale but breakout-violent local hardcore shows. Other than LaLumia, none are still standing. It’s a new decade now; far away from the community-college shows and record-buying jaunts from the Stony Brook era. We had up until May 1st   to get everything together. The Lindenhurst finds dwindled down to nothing, and all the discoveries found that Spring ended up at the current residency we’re at now. It was time to say goodbye to my old furniture: the twin-sized bed, the old bookshelves, dressers, drawers, the gumball machine, and the Lafayette that was losing its functionality. We left all the small stuff in front of the gate and left the furniture behind. Goodbye Lindenhurst and hello Ronkonkoma.

**********

I can tell you that my very first experience in the new neighborhood was delightful and exotic. We were only a few blocks away from the new house. My dad had me pull up to our neighborhood 7-11 for his daily coffee. I grab a pack of Hostess chocolate cupcakes and behind the counter I see the perfect ginger. Bright long copper hair, brown eyes, freckles, and all of pale skin. Jackpot. She was a sight to be seen.

There was a line of five people in front of us with two registers open. Dad was more than ready to sip his coffee but was getting restless as the scalding hot was wearing off. Lucky for me, the young Indian kid took care of him. I put my Hostess on the counter for the ginger to ring up. She was quiet, expressionless. Tired, bored, introverted? Who knows. Who cares. She made quick work of my purchase and I was two more cupcakes happier. The day was off to a great start. I didn’t believe people like her existed.

She was my very first memory at the new neighborhood. I still remember her to this very day. There’s some faces you never forget.

Pharmakon “Xia Xinfeng”

Mass Production “Slow Bump”

Atari Teenage Riot “Modern Liars”

Peter Brown “For Your Love”

Black Marble A Different Arrangement

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti “Schnitzel Boogie”

Purling Hiss “Don’t Even Try It”

Omar Souleyman “Kell Il Banat Inkhatban (All The Girls Are Engaged)“

Poly Styrene (as Mari Elliott) “Silly Billy”

L.I.E.S. label Music For Shut-Ins (2013)

Carbonas “September Gurls”

Predator “Honest Man”

Run The Jewels “Blockbuster Night Pt. 1”

Arca “Thievery”

Broadcast “Goodbye Girls”

Ariel Pink “Put Your Number In My Phone”

Ninos Du Brasil “Pandiero Sinchinsa”

NeruvianDOOM “Disastrous”

Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments “Please Hear My Plea”

Suicideyear “Hope Building A”

Hussy, The “EZ-PZ”

Carbonas “Frothing At The Mouth”

Krewe Of 77 “Three’s A Crowd”

Ekoplekz “Robert Rental”

Wara From The NBHD “Squeal (Peel Off)”

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti “Fright Night (Never More)”

Mono/Poly “Alpha & Omega”

Casket Girls, The “Chemical Dizzy”

Bug, The “Void”

Suicideyear “Rememberance”

Standish / Carlyon “2 5 1 1”

Vereker “Rosite”

Ninos Du Brazil “Tuppelo”

SpaceGhostPurrp “Mystikal Maze”

Dual Action “NC-17 Drive In”

Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments ”Turntable Battlefield”

Bug, The “Swarm”

Suicideyear “I Don’t Care About Death Because I Smoke”

Travis Porter “Do A Trick” (Suicideyear RMX)

Ninos Du Brasil “Rebanho Espetacular”

Lussuria “Mondo Narcotico”

Function & Vatican Shadow Games Have Rules

Axxa/Abraxas “Waiting Daze”

Lussuria “Keys To Unlock Paradise (Roman Showers)”

Blossom Dearie “Sunday Afternoon”

XXYYXX “Witching Hour”

Alan Vega “No More Christmas Blues”

Suicide “Hey Lord”

XXYYXX “Fields”

[evienorris]

The confession

requested: yes! i lost the request but it said ”something related to kissing chris in the rain”

warnings: one cuss word, mentions of puking and bad writing😭

aurhors note: this is so bad but I thought I would try this! Also I wrote this on my phone at school so yeah😭💀

The Confession

Y/N’S POV:

Y/n had been friends with the triplets for about 2 years. Y/n moved to Boston and didnt have any friends. Luckily she met Nick. When she was at a Mcdonalds she spilled her drink on Nick and they both just bursted out laughing. Thats how she met Nick, which led to her being friends with the triplets. 

Fast forward to now, theyve hanged out almost every day and Y/n noticed shed been developing feeings for Chris during that time. She first tried to just brush it out and hope the feelings fade. But lately, all she could think about was Chris. His blue eyes and gorgeus smile. Y/n daydreamed while at their house streaming. Nick of course noticed this. “Hey Y/n, whatcha thinking of?” Nick teased. “Oh nothing, just school stuff” Y/n answered. “You sure?You look kinda pale and sick” Matt said. Suddenly you felt weird and nauseous. You felt like you were about to pass out. Shit. You forgot to take your meds today. You felt like it just popped up and you were being dramatic. Then it hit you like someone punched you in the stomach. You stared at Matt in horror and got up slowly. The next thing you know is you puking into their toilet. You were just screaming apologies and ran out of the door. It was pouring rain and you had to find somewhere to stay.

CHRIS’ POV

Ive been friends with Y/n for 2 years now. She moved  from minnesota due to her parents divorce. We have hung out a lot and she has become one of the keys to my happiness. I never thought Id cath feelings for her but lately ive been really thinking about it. One day I looked at her and boom. I fell in love. Thats where all the chaos started. I started to be distant from her and she hung out with Matt and Nick more. I knew she would never catch feelings for me so I just let it brush off.

I opened the door to Matt’s room and there she was. The most gorgeus girl ive ever seen. Her dark silky hair and her beautiful green eyes. I just stared at her but then she talked to me. “Hi Chris. Is everyhing alright??” I stuttered and said yes . I just walked out of the room and went to my own. In 15 minutes I heard Y/n apologise and run away through the door. 

“ What the fuck! What happened?” I asked Matt. He explained everything and I needed to find her.

Y/N’S POV

I was running on the streets and stopped in front of an abandoned gas station. I sat there for about ten minutes until I heard someone running towards me. I jumped up and screamed but then I felt a warm feeling and noticed that someone hugged me. It was Chris. The boy Ive loved for over a year was hugging me.

I pulled out and looked at him. 

He smiled down at me and I felt happy.” why did you come here?” I asked. ”I felt like you could use some support” he smiled. He looked at me and I felt the tension. Was this the moment? Would he kiss me? Suddenly I felt his lips on mine

I was shocked but so grateful he did it. After a while He pulled out and looked at me. “Y/n. Ive liked you for a long time now and I-“ he was interrupted by me kissing him. “Yes I will be your girlfriend” 

he smiled at me and we both just faded into that moment. “EW CHRIS WTF” Nick yelled. how the fuck did he find us? We just looked at eachother and started laughing. Everyhting was just right. 

[familyromantic]

For the challenge!

I wondered carefully on which ship to choose to share to you all, and made my mind on Catherine and Christopher. Not the Dollangangers, the Roachs, from a novel called Relations (also known as The Story of the Weasel, as Cathy thinks of Chris as being weasel like and the book is about him and their relationship). Their canonical relationship, by the way. Unlike the Dollangangers, this Cathy and Chris have a fully consensual relationship (albeit they do start to engage in sex at a way too young of an age), but they don't get a happy ending. At least not in the book, but that's why we have headcanon and post canon fics.

When I say they started their relationship at a very early age, I mean that Cathy was only 10, while Chris was still only 12. It all starts when they find their deceased father's porn collection. I don't think they could have truly known what they were seeing, but that didn't stop them from mimicking it.

“Christopher regarded me strangely, and moved in my direction. He told me to lie down on the floor. I obeyed unquestioningly. He looked at me darkly it seemed, with piercing clarity, for he knew the exact nature of my thoughts at that moment. I, of my own accord, removed my undergarments, and placed them beneath my head. I had a strange view of him thus; he seemed very tall from my lowly position on the floor. He seemed dominant with the red bulb glowing; but a slight nervousness hovered about his eyes. I smiled at him. He lay down on top of me, and put his member inside my body.”

When recalling this scene later, Cathy feels a “small throbbing in [her] private parts”, so even after all this time, she still gets turned on by the thought of her brother.

Around the same time Cathy and Chris started to experience sexually, their Mamma began to date Richard, the Frenchman. One day, when Cathy was eleven, Mamma has Cathy deliver a letter to the Frenchman and he has her try on a corset over her clothes, since she was too shy to remove them, and then gifts her a pair of white silk stockings. The next day, Chris returns the stocking to the Frenchman, telling him his sister has no need for such clothing.

The Frenchman is a pervert and Chris gets very concerned about his interest on Cathy. He gets jealous of it as her 'boyfriend' and protective as her brother.

When Cathy catches pneumonia, Chris helps to nurse her back to health and keeps her company while she lays in bed.

“The fever would not leave me. But nor did my brother. […] He held my head patiently and his eyes never shut in his vigil.” “I think now that Christopher and I half-died together in that terrible week, and afterwards, when the terror had passed, we were never quite the children we had been before.”

About an year goes by and Chris tells Cathy that they shouldn’t have sex anymore, and Cathy gets upset. He tells her that later, when she is grown up, she might come to regret their relationship, and he doesn’t wants that, which is why he is breaking it up. Cathy, however, hates that they were breaking up and is very hurt.

“‘I don’t think it’s right for us to do it - being brother and sister. I mean I’ve always known - or rather always felt more than known - that it wasn’t right.’ […] ‘No. And I don’t know what you’re talking about. It is better because we are brother and sister, because we really know each other; we are the same. I cannot see that it is bad.’”

We known from her narration at, even at an older age, Cathy never came to regret her relationship with Chris. In fact, she only gets married with someone else because Chris keeps pushing her away.

After the breakup, Chris moves to his uncle's farm in Cape Town to get far away from Cathy.

“I cannot imagine what I will do without you, Cath: I cannot imagine a day without your face, or your sweet companionship.  I do love you. But this must be for the best.”

Chris remains away for a long time, only returning after five years when Cathy was nineteen. They have a heartfelt conversation and, at night, after the rest of the house has gone to sleep, he visit’s Cathy’s room. She asks to cuddle with him until she falls asleep and he agrees, climbing into her bed. Just when they are kissing, their older brother, Edward (who I had neglected to mention until now) lunges into the room, catching them together. He explained that he had always suspected something, but it wasn’t until he had grown up that he understood the noises he heard coming from Chris and Cathy’s bedroom. He orders Chris out of the house and Cathy weeps, begging Chris to stay and denying to Edward that anything has happened.

Chris leaves as ordered and goes back to South Africa. Eventually, he enlists as a soldier at the Boer War. From the war front, he writes Cathy a letter, telling her that he still loves her. The book ends like this, with Chris in Cape Town and Cathy trapped in a unloving marriage.

But that doesn't stop me from creating scenarios in which Chris goes home to England as a war hero and and he and Cathy run away together. The story is set in 1900, back when it was easier to disappear and start again. Maybe after the war, Cathy goes looking for Chris and they get married in a land where no one knows they are siblings. They have loved each other their whole life, there's no reason to assume that they won't find their way back to each other.

A few more quotes that I want to include but I didn't know where to place them:

"I did not find it sinful; the closeness between my brother and me was a true joy; it sustained me in my darkest moments, and indeed still does to this day, though tempered with much sorrow now." "Because even on that day, which was the beginning of a singular relationship between my brother and I, even on that day there was a spiritual and love bond between us." “I would not be so oppressed if I could but feel that my past was wicked and scandalous. If I believed that, I could gladly submit to the institution or the grave. But some buoyant spirit within me keeps insisting that what I had was fine, and contained elements of true beauty hard to capture in any existence.” “The old house creaked and groaned, and in the darkness I only felt secure because I was close to my brother.”

Even if I don't win, I really appreciate the opportunity to talk about my favourite Chris and Cathy. No shade to the Dollangangers, but Chris and Cathy Roach are the better ones. Their story was left unfinished by the author, allowing us to make them whatever we want them to be. I love the angst on Chris's part, him being scared that he's taking advantage or corrupting his sister, while all that Cathy wants is to be with him.

It's a lovely book. The only reason I don't tell everyone to go read it is that it's very hard to find, as it has been out of print since forever (afaik, there has only been two prints of the book). There a few copies being sold on Amazon, so if you like incest books, try to grab one while you can.

XoXo, @litcest (since I can only send asks in my main blog)

Thank you for a good write-up as usual! I hate endings like this, and I certainly wish your interpretation of it was canon. Also, while they started their relationship early, there's no grooming or icky age gap, this I appreciate much.

[amazingmsme]

Pre-Infusion Pity Party ramble under the cut but I’m just so overwhelmed rn & just want to get it all out

But god do I hate being like this. Why do I have to get stabbed in the chest every fucking month with a big ass needle, & pumped full of chemicals every other month just so I can fucking live? Why did my life have to change so much when I was just a kid? There’s gonna come a time where I’ve been knowingly living with this disease for longer than I had without it, & I don’t know how I’ll feel when that day comes. Rare disease awareness day just happened & I completely forgot & didn’t even care. It’s coming up on the 7 year anniversary of my outbreak, & it’s always a rough time for me

& to make matters worse, for over a fucking year it feels like older family members are dropping like flies. I don’t even know how many funerals I’ve been to in the past year. & we have yet another one on Sunday. & you see the toll it takes on everyone around you & you’re just like… are they next? Are they gonna be taken away?

I don’t have any irl friends because my supposed best friends stabbed me in the back & burned our friendship to the ground over a long torturous year, & while I am genuinely so much happier without them in my life, I feel so isolated. When I try to talk & engage with people, they act like you’re a fucking freak for trying to have a human conversation. Everyone is afraid of interaction now, & it sucks because humans are supposed to be social creatures. & it hurts because I’ve missed out on so much social interaction with my peers when I was & I know that my disease played a pretty big hand in that because I was the sick kid. Other mothers said shit to my mom’s face about how healthy their kids were, & even family members implied shit, essentially blaming her for my illness/weak immune system

& then you get diagnosed & those people fucking grovel & act so sorry & sympathetic but you know their true hypocritical character. It’s honestly revealed the ugliest of humanity. True sympathy is rare I feel like, replaced with pity

& I hate to say it, but most of the time, I don’t even like what I’m writing. There’s a line in Rainbow Rowell’s book Fangirl where Cath was reflecting on herself & her writers block/fics she’s written where she contemplates how many times she’s written this line, or some version of it? & I get caught up writing things others want to see, but the writing itself feels like a chore. & it’s not the fact that I think what I’m writing is bad, but I feel nothing.

I’m writing for fandoms & characters I’m not particularly wild about, & feel obligated to fulfill the request. Tbh there were only a handful of tickletober fics that I was actually excited about writing, & I fucking hate that. It’s why I was so over the moon when all the Hatchetfield & Epic peeps started showing up. Because I felt inspired again, & I can’t remember the last time I felt a spark like that

I haven’t been truly happy in a very long time, & I’m not sure when they’ll get better. But there’s still glimmers of light through the storm… even if they’re small or fleeting

TLDR: I’m fucking sick of getting infusions for the rest of my life, people all around me are dying, my best friends betrayed me, & I’ve been in one of the biggest creative slumps

[ciderjacks]

ok mild spoilers ahead but Dulcie and Caths whole deal is so fascinating to me

like we know they were having problems in sydney, and it was bad enough that Dulcie ended up having an affair. Based on what they say in the series, it seems like Dulcies job was probably what was causing a lot of the major issues. then, post affair we know Dulcie was extremely guilty, and Cath was using said guilt to make some major life changes (which is. Morally questionable, but then again so is having an affair.) including getting her to move to deadloch and quit her job. and this makes sense, because we see Dulcie repeatedly sacrifice her own wants when she senses Cath is mad, specifically that time she and Eddie question Cath, afterwards Dulcie notes that Cath is acting cold towards her and so offers to “talk about thinking about buying the farm”, it’s a way of compromising for her.

Bc of this, I imagine that after the affair she was willing to do whatever Cath wanted to do, even if it was making her miserable, since she felt like she’d lost the right to ask for things in the relationship. And she’d been living that way for 5 years, being severely unhappy and unfulfilled, she stuck by Cath’s side doing what she wanted and didn’t ask for anything and kept quiet because she felt like she needed to atone.

this was probably why she was so frustrated when Cath insisted she did it for both of them, and why her saying that the job was more important than their relationship and more important than Cath was such a big moment for her.

It’s not just that she was lashing out from frustration at Caths behaviour in the fight, it was something that had been coming for years. Her saying “I’m done atoning, I’m not sacrificing myself for you anymore.”

[ampedupkaon]

August Writing Challenge Day 30: Guila/Howzer

AN: We're told by Chion that Guila and Howzer tried dating. Hence... we have this. Set after Cath Palug is dealt with; but before the last episode starts (there's time skips in that episode anyway... and Howzer looks scruffy with a beard!)

“Are you not nervous?” Howzer shook his head. He wasn't nervous. Though... it would be unusual for the two of them to share a bed. No funny stuff. His father would string him up by his guts and use him as an advertising board for the forge if he did. And Zeal had expressly forbidden Guila to 'make a niece or nephew'. Though... he wasn't ready for that. If she felt like getting naked... he was all for that. He wasn't returning the favour though; he wasn't ready to bare himself in front of her.

“Then why are we standing around instead of heading home?”

“Because my father would kill me for taking you to my home and Zeal would kill me if we went to yours.” She laughed and his cheeks flushed a little bit.

“You have use of the Grandmaster's quarters, don't you?” His jaw dropped, Guila giggling at the fact he hadn't thought of that. He held out his hand, hoping she'd hold it. Warmth shot up his arm when she took hold of his hand, interlocking their fingers. She had a faint blush on her cheeks; matching the one on his own. They headed to his... their quarters for the night. He pushed the door open, leading her inside. And spluttering, because there was a thin layer of dust on most of the surfaces. Thankfully, the bed wasn't one of them.

“You really aren't in here much, are you?”

“I prefer being out and doing things instead of ruminating in here.” Guila grinned.

“That's a big word for this time of day, Acting Grandmaster.” Howzer felt a prickle of annoyance. She did not. Her grin widened when he gave her a look.

“I'd be careful with the teasing.” He told her. Her grin became a smirk.

“Or what, Acting Grandmaster?” He scooped her up, delighting in the squeal of surprise this got.

“These are my quarters, darlin'. That's quite the loaded question.” He stood by the bed, Guila half-heartedly squirming in his arms.

“You... what?!” She was imagining being made to strip, him putting her across his knee for a spanking. Not that he was aware of that. He was aware she sounded scared and that wasn't what he was trying.

“Whatever you're thinking right now, I'm not going to do. I might lay you on my bed and kneel over you, if you'd like.” She started shaking and Howzer wondered if she'd heard him.

“Guila...” She jumped, feeling his fingers gently stroking her arm.

“What is it?”

“What's got you nervous darlin'?” He asked. Her cheeks flushed; because of the pet name.

“You're not going to... take advantage of me, are you?”

“No. If you feel like it... I wouldn't mind a kiss.” She shuddered and he lowered her down, letting her sit on the bed. He knelt down once he'd done that and she grinned.

“Didn't think I'd get the Grandmaster on his knees before me tonight.”

“Oh, now I'm the Grandmaster.” He grumbled, Guila starting to laugh.

“You have been for a while, honey.” His cheeks flushed. He wasn't expecting a pet name back.

“What? You called me darling. I thought it was alright to call you honey.”

“Honey is what my father calls my mother.” He shuddered. His father was the last person he wanted to be thinking about right now; when he and his girl were about to be climbing into bed together.

“Oh, I see... what about... sweetheart?” Howzer shivered. He was sure he wasn't all that sweet but...

“Fine. We going to bed now, darlin'?”

“Not in bed. I wouldn't mind a cuddle before we do get into bed though.” He gave her a look, tinged with embarrassment.

“Can you look away for a moment so... you know?” Guila covered her eyes and he turned around, dragging his top and trousers off. He slept in his underwear. He might regret doing that in the morning; but that was a problem for then.

“Oh my... not bad.” She teased, checking him out. He shivered under her gaze.

“Still feel like... um... making out?” Guila grinned, that hadn't been what she'd said. It was something that appealed to her though; by the look she gave him. She patted the bed and he climbed on beside her. Her arm slid around his shoulder and dragged him in. The first brush of lips made a tingle go through his body. He nervously pressed back, she knew what she was doing; he didn't! It felt nice though, her hands lightly tracing scribbles on his body, her lips and tongue tickling his. Howzer shivered, being aware of a slight chill in the air. He drew back.

“How about we continue this in bed?”

“In the morning perhaps. It is a little cold.” She started heading to bed and... he swallowed. She wasn't wearing anything under her top; he could see her nibs through it. He scrambled in beside her, shuffling close enough she could... her arms once more coiled around him to cuddle. He hugged back, enjoying the feeling of having a girl in his arms. She leaned up, brushing a kiss to his lips.

“Sweet dreams, sweetheart.” He smiled softly, that did sound good.

“Sweet dreams, darlin'.” He brushed his lips to hers, before settling to sleep. If he got his way... this would be happening more often.

AN: Does he regret wearing only his underwear in the morning? Only when she grabs hold of it to drag it down when he gets out of bed. He drags it back up, cheeks crimson; because she's commenting about how cute his butt is while he's doing it!

[typingwithmyhandstied]

What characters made you feel seen?

A lot of the time, I don't care to look for characters I relate to. I mostly look at them and think of them as friends and different than me. I prefer that I think. I think I'm terrified of seeing myself in a bad way in a character. I think I'd rather see what I wish I was than what I am in characters. I'd rather aspire than be like.

I'm even more affected in seeing in characters what I think I could be. That's why Sadie from I Hope This Doesn't Find You by Ann Liang, Jude Duarte from TCP, and Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility affect me a lot. Sadie and Elinor are people pleasers and suppressors of emotion. I feel like I could have been them. I could still be them. Hide my own feelings. Live for others. Always try to please and be liked. Then, Jude is upsetting because she was what I was worried that I would become if I did break out of those patterns while the others are if I didn't. What if ceasing to try to make people like me turned into me being evil?

There are other characters that I've related to, and it terrified me. For example, for the first bit of Heartless, I related to Cath. I felt for her. I felt seen, but then she turned evil. She turned bad.

I still see myself in these characters but not the current version. The same really goes for Celia a lot of the time. Especially her during TVD. I also do see a bit of myself in Orion, probably because he is a bit of a people pleaser sometimes and always feels like he has to help. I do also see myself in characters like Jo March. When I first watched Greta Gerwig's version and she declares that the "world will not forget the name Jo March," I felt that. I realized that I did not want people to forget my name. I wanted to be remembered. I was horrified of being forgotten. I've recovered from that facet of myself a bit though. I also want to live a simple life, but I also want to be great. I see myself in Edward Ferras, saying greatness isn't for him. I might just be one great paradox.

I do see myself a lot in people's fears. I love Kell Maresh so much because he shares one of mine. He fears death. He fears it just being the end. He fears ceasing to exist. He fears being forgotten. That was me. That was me as a child, not able to fall asleep at night out of fear I'd been lied to. Out of fear that neither Heaven or Hell existed. That's why I hung so greatly to the wish to be great. To not be forgotten even if I was gone. I've gotten over this for the most part, but it was hard.

Like Peeta, I fear that the world will change me. I fear being evil. I fear my own possibly fall into evil more than people around me turning against me I think. So yeah. I feel seen in that. This may have slightly turned into a post about my fear that I'm a horrible person or will become one.

[ask-the-shiny-pokemons]

Rotie DB (Relationships)

Positive: 💕 Love / 💖 Really like / ❤️ Like Neutral: 🤍 Negative: 💔 Hate / 🤎 Really dislike / 🖤 Dislike

Wil

On-blog:

Rimi - 💖💖💖 9 - My new best friend. I like her voice (talking and singing), it’s so charming.

Tim - 💖💖💖 9 - My foster dad. He is the closest in this family.

Cath - 💖💖💖 9 - My best friend before Rimi. Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend.

Edin - 💕💖🤍 9 - He is a cooler guitarist. We have a romantic relationship now, though it was unexpected for me.

Noelle - 💖🤍🤍 3 - Coolest drummer. We met fairly recently though.

Linda - ❤️❤️🖤 1 - My school friend. She is, however, a bit irritating.

Diego - 🖤🤍🤍 -1 - My fave actor. Though we are now rivals.

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Kaleo (ask-the-lost-prince) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - I met him in Alola and after that he went to the studios to talk about the movies. He is so cool. I wonder what happened to him afterwards…

Skarla (askpokepals) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - Basically the W buddies.

Fuegia (eevee-crossing)  - 💖🤍🤍 3 - Met her in Gala, but we’re barely talked.

Crow (ask-gimmiventures) - ❤️🤍🤍 1 - I'm rooting to them to be a part of a Guild!

Vanta (darkvoid-sun) - 🤍🤍🤍 0 - I have no big sympathy on Darkrai, but he seems kind as for me.

Rimi

On-blog:

Noelle - 💕💕💕 15 - My girlfriend. She might be weird, but I love weird characters.

Arin - 💖💖💖 9 - My dad and I love him. He's also an inspiration for my band.

Wil - 💖💖💖 9 - My friend. We are spending time together outside my band activities.

Edin - 💖💖❤️ 7 - Our strongest member of the band. He is so charming.

Leia - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - My mom. Her malasadas are truly impressing

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Lunch (askvekpa) 💖💖💖 9 - Best buddies EVER!

North (ask-north) - 💖💖❤️ 7 - Jolly girl. She seem to be a human, but she can transform into Pokémon (can be from my universe too). She REALLY likes malassadas.

Hope (book-of-legends) - 💖💖❤️ 7 - A Lunala and also a mom. She REALLY did enjoyed malasadas. A bit remind me of North.

Earendel (book-of-legends) - 💖💖❤️ 7 - I've never seen anyone eating malasadas with such excitement!

Prince (ask-the-lost-prince) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - My fan and possibly my former buddy at school.

Cherry (ask-gimmiventures) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - She is very kind and gave me a cupcake.

Ivy (rescuerivy) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - Her rice dumplings are way too tasty.

Hibiscus (polteashop) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - She seems nice and the tea tastes wonderful.

Reshi (lightofunova) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - An Unovian legendary. I say she’s very sweet for this and this is very nice.

Sirius (book-of-legends) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - I've met him during Valentine's Day, but it was a disaster and really felt bad at him when this Hoopa did some shenanigans to him. Looks like he somewhat enjoyed our malasada, though he still feels a bit sour with me and Noey.

Pixel (ask-gimmiventures) - ❤️❤️🤍 2 - He seems very chill for his work.

Farrow (asksavel) 💖🖤🤍 2 - I feel poor to them, but their tone when I gave a malasada…

Destino (ask-the-royal-absol) 🤎🖤🤍 -4 - Working with them is a big mistake…

Lief (ask-team-misfit) 🤎🖤🖤 -5 - He's bully, did make me irritate, make innocent folks cry, including pollen shenanigans. But I hope he'll improve one day.

Journey (book-of-legends) 💔🖤🖤 -7 - ...Just...what are they did with poor Meowstic is unacceptable...

Noelle

On-blog:

Rimi - 💕💕💕 15 - My girlfriend. We want to be together...forever...

Edin - 💖❤️🖤 5 - He still stinks, but he’s my friend no matter what.

Wil - 💖🤍🤍 3 - We just only met, but he seems very cool.

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Silas (ask-north / tricks-n-illusions) - 💕💕🤍 10 - I think he's now a little bro to me... Yes, he did horrible things, but I don't believe he did on his own. Regardless, my love of him is still strong. After our recent reunion, my Houndoominite became a Silasimite after he returned back to me. Calls me "Noe".

Valiant (ask-valiant-victory) - 💖💖🤍 6 - A bit weirdo, but I love listen to his stories about what would happen with Silas (also kinda remind me of him). Also I hope he'll enjoy the puzzle.

Ivy (rescuerivy) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - Even if we barely met, I really like her dumplings given by Rimi.

Javi (ask-javi-the-grafaiai) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - WHY THOSE BERRIES TASTE SO GOOD? I WANNA KNOW WHERE YA GETTIN' FROM...

Edin

On-blog:

Wil - 💕💖💖 11 - YAHOO WE FINALLY MET AT LAST!!!

Rimi - 💖💖❤️ 6 - My closest friend in the band.

Noelle - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - I think she can understand me now at least…

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Prince (askthepaldeanpassenger) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - He's pretty playful. Next time when we meet again we'll make sure to play.

Layrian

On-blog:

Arin - ❤️🤍💔 - -4 - My boss. We're not in best conditions right now.

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once or given impression):

Bingo (askvekpa) - 💖💖🤍 6 - Thank you for the water!

Mimipon (ask-mimipon) - 💖💖🤍 6 - Thank you for the candy!

Wesn (pokege-ne-project) - 💖💖🤍 6 - Thank you for giving me a blanket!

Tim (to be added later)

Rimi's icon by book-of-legends. Wil, Noelle, Edin, and Tim's icons were modified by me.

[chronicallyonlinecath]

Monday, 29th May - What in the déjà vu

Over the weekend, close to zilch happened - I messaged people, played war thunder and just took a very large break from revising.

Then today, mother whisked me away to M&S to buy some stuff for our summer trip; we're going to Mexico on a Tui resort for two weeks near the end of July. I'm super excited, and the clothes I got were pretty cool, too.

Then upon returning home I was hit with the realisation I really should do some english revision. So I sat down, did a question 3, picked up my phone and-

Bam.

From Harvey, two random ass texts; "CATH" "COME OUTSIDE W ME N MATT N ALISON"

To which internally I was telling myself I didn't read it right- but no, I checked my other messages and our old group chat had Mattson readded, the name changed to "Return of the Mattson", the profile photo changed to a badly photoshopped jedi with Mattson's face on it and various messages between Alison and Harvey agreeing to meet up.

So I did what any logical dumbass would do, and grabbed my bag, yelled goodbye to mother and sprinted out the front door to meet them.

And it was super chill - we started by playing truth or dare in one park, moved to another and climbed trees, had a bad arm wrestle between Mattson and Alison with Harvey as a table, Alison hugged a tree and Mattson tried to touch up Harvey more times than I could count.

It felt very normal, and not like old times. Like new times. Like we had all grown up a little and now came back and still could enjoy ourselves like we used to. It was nice.

Harvey invited us to go and play volleyball with him, but unfortunately none of us could make it, which seemed fitting. We are all busy people. And some things don't change - I still have a strict mother and struggling grades, Mattson is scared of social interactions and also has strict parents, Alison has years taken off her life devoted to violin practice, Harvey could take all three of us in a game of volleyball and flatten us-

So we went home, after an hour and a half of just chillin', and continued the revision. Wrote a dodge creative writing story, but it'll do, I suppose.

Next update? Uh- maybe Thursday or Wednesday, whenever something interesting happens I guess-

~CM

[perfectlyvalid49]

I just want to say that your words about feeling like you yourself are becoming radicalized resonated with me. I was already growing fed up with the current state of leftism and this just seems the last straw. The black and white thinking, the purity culture, the blood thirst – I’m just done.

I’m not even Jewish in any meaningful way (my mom hid/disavowed that part of her ancestry growing up in the soviets). I’m just a very mixed queer person whose ethnicity is best described as ‘uhhh.’ But my social circle has always been largely Jewish, and recently many of said social circle have had to up and leave their home country. In many cases, Israel was their only option. So seeing thousands of people who are supposedly on my side thoughtlessly chant ‘from the river to the sea’ just broke me. Seeing people try to prove that it’s not antisemitic has been mind-boggling. “It doesn’t explicitly call for violence against Jewish people.” Well, nor does ‘Jews will not replace us,’ and yet…

I deleted my social media at a really low point, and now that I’m back I find myself mostly following Jewish blogs. And I feel my worldview shifting because where before I had hopes that things that frustrate me on the left could maybe be fixed, now I no longer think it’s fixable.

Sorry for rambling from this Schrödinger’s gentile

Hi Anon,

I’m glad I could write something that spoke to you.

Before this blog became so focused on the conflict in Israel, I talked a lot about US politics, a topic I’ve been interested in since I was in middle school (I’m weird and nerdy – get over it). And to be clear, I’m “old” for the internet, so middle school means the 1996 presidential election, which I remember discussing with my friends at lunch (they were also weird and nerdy, there’s a reason we were friends).

So when I say that I’ve been watching other people get radicalized for a long time, I mean it. I’ve watched friends fall into information silos and have felt helpless to stop it. I mean, the best man at my (very Jewish!) wedding is now a trad-Cath who thinks I’m going to hell because I refuse to accept Jesus into my life.

There has always been an antisemitism problem on the left. You can scroll through just about any blog on jumblr and look at posts prior to October and you can see that we were all bitching about it before the 7th. I’m not sure if it has actually gotten worse or if it’s just more obvious now, but we can say they seem radicalized now. Honestly, there’s nothing I can do about it, because they certainly aren’t going to listen to me – I’m a filthy (((Zionist))) after all.

But there’s at least a handful of Jewish people who are listening to me. I’ve picked up a score of followers in the last few months, so clearly you all think what I have to say is worth reading, so read this: I worry that at least parts of the Jewish community are headed down a bad path and I don’t know what to do about it. I know why we are blocking and unfollowing so many – the things they say are hurtful at best and terrifying at worst. But it leaves us in a situation where it’s the same few voices being repeated over and over. It doesn’t mean that we are radicalized, but I worry that we’re headed toward an echo chamber at least, and that’s not good. I’ve left a lot of leftist spaces behind. I’d prefer to not have to do that with Jewish ones as well.

I don’t have a solution other than that we need to be really careful and think about how we’re thinking about things if that makes any sense. The example I gave last time was moving from “you can be anti-Zionist without being antisemitic” to “anti-Zionism is antisemitism.” How did we make that move? Was it motivated by logic or emotion? It’s ok to change your stance, but with the way things are I think we really need to think about why we’re doing that, or it could lead to a bad place.

Back to the anon who is losing hope – that’s tough, and I can see why you feel that way. There are two thoughts that I repeat to myself to keep me hopeful. The first is that on a long enough timescale, things tend to improve. There’s lots of small steps forward and stumbling backwards, but overall we tend to move in the right direction. The other is that trying and failing and not trying at all have the same result. Maybe we won’t have a big effect. But if I can tell 30 people and even three of them can tell 30 people and so on, then maybe my words can reach at least one person and help them pull their heads out of their ass. And that’s better than nothing.

[inevitablemoment]

My Imagination Sees You Like A Painting (Cathlegon Drabble Series - Ch. 2)

ch. 1

Word Count: 373

Warnings: None

Fandom: Ghostbusters

Pairings: Egon Spengler x Cathleen Paige Spengler

I feel so bad about putting so much time between the first and second chapter, but I’m happy to say that I finally have this out today!

Enjoy!

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December 1987

Even though it was well into December, Cathleen found that it was more of a refreshing chill than a bitter cold. She had spent the first twelve years of her life in Wisconsin and the rest of her formative years in Ohio, so a New York winter felt like nothing to her.

Despite having converted to Judaism briefly before she married Egon, Cathleen still found some sort of comfort in the Christmas season. Everyone seemed to be a little kinder, regardless of what they believed in. Also, she considered it an honor and a privilege to get to see the Rockefeller Christmas Tree every year.

“Isn’t this incredible?!” she exclaimed as she looked up at it with her family.

Even though she said this every year when they trekked uptown to Rockefeller Plaza, Egon gave her an indulgent smile that was able to convey how much he loved whenever she got excited about stuff like this, and said, “It is, Cath. What do you think, Callie?”

“It’s just so big!” Callie exclaimed. “It wouldn’t even fit in the firehouse.”

Both Cathleen and Egon felt a twinge in their hearts at the mention of the firehouse. It had barely been a month since all of the lawsuits from the city and the state of New York had caught up with the business, and Ghostbusters had been shut down for good.

“No, it wouldn’t, baby,” Egon agreed.

“Mommy, can you pick me up?” Callie asked, holding her arms up.

“Of course, sweetie,” Cathleen agreed, hoisting the almost-seven-year-old up into her arms and holding her on her hip.

“Look at all the lights!” Callie exclaimed in awe. “Daddy, how many lights does it have?”

“I’d estimate about fifty thousand,” Egon answered.

“Estimate, like we’re learning in math!” Callie recognized.

“Exactly,” Egon said.

He had brought his camera along to get some pictures of the tree, but as he saw his wife and daughter standing to look at it, their faces glowing from the lights, he got an idea.

He held the camera up. “Okay, smile!”

Both Cathleen and Callie giggled before they both gave big, open-mouthed grins, with Callie showing off that she had lost one of her front teeth the previous day.

CLICK!