#i felt kinda bad abt yesterday's post

[vamp-a-day]

Day 66

@sparkvampweek Day 6: (I didn't follow the prompt, sry)

Apologies -- Drabble under the cut (~500 words)

--------------------------------------------------

Vampire paced around the upstairs bedroom for what felt like hours. His head was swimming with a frustrated mixture of feelings and what he speculated to be a light hangover. He'd barely seen Sparkling since the incident last night-- He couldn't even really remember what he'd said to make him upset.

Oh. Right. That. Vampire had stopped his pacing and was now pressing both of his hands against his temples before sliding his fingers through his hair. A short jolt of the panic he felt last night flashed through his body, running his jam cold. I really fucked up this time, didn't I? He had to say something. He couldn't bear this silent treatment. He went back and forth, back and forth once more before going to head downstairs.

The old steps of the house groaned quietly as Vampire made his way down slowly, timid to make any sudden sounds. He saw the light golden swath of his lover's hair peaking out from the back of his arm chair, already neatly combed. He snuck up behind him, taking a peak at what he was doing. It was a crossword, already mostly done.

Vampire took a deep breath.

"Hey, uh. About last night--"

"Don't worry about it." The sudden response took Vampire aback. "I made a big deal out of nothing."

"But you were right, I need to shut my big mouth." Vampire made his way to the arm of the chair and knelt down next to it so he could look at Sparkling. His face had the same calm expression he usually wore. "I upset you, that's a big deal to me--"

"Vampire, it's fine." He nearly spoke in a whisper. "I overreacted. You didn't deserve to get locked out, even if it was just for a moment." His voice shook slightly. He set the puzzle book down on his lap and sat forward so their eyes met. "I know how that sort of thing makes you feel, I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry."

There was a short silence.

"I'm sorry, too." Vampire laid his chin on the arm rest. "And I mean it this time." He closed his eyes, and just barely audibly under his breath he whispered again, "I'm sorry."

Sparkling let out the breathe he felt he'd been holding since last night and smiled gently. "Let's just forget it even happened, okay?"

Vampire nodded. "Okay." He propped himself back up and made himself comfortable on the arm of the chair. He leaned in close, resting his head on Sparkling's. "Can I help you with your puzzle?"

Sparkling let out a short chuckle. "Sure. How about a five letter word for a colorful species of bird--"

"Parrot!"

"That's six letters."

"Oh."

"Try again."

[rosemary-bells]

so as the world caves in (matt maltese) IS a ranwan song and no i will not elaborate i don’t NEED to,

[7rashstar]

i didn’t rly sleep last night yap sesh below the cut

missed mayday festivities because i am debilitatingly socially anxious but then went camping for a friends bday and felt refreshed by being able to see soooo many stars and be outside…(and go on the most extreme hike of my life dude omfg)

while we were camping my digi cam fell out of my pocket when i laid on the ground to look at the sky and stars and it stormed that night and my camera got destroyed. hoping the sd card is salvageable..

creepy had hella ticks on him (including one thats head got stuck in his uhh..wiener lol) went to the vet got em removed in total there were 8 (!!) that we found. he has so much fur man idk there could be some more on him but at least they’d be dead atp because i ALSO finally got a flea tick preventative that he can take monthly. it’s been impossible to get a vet appointment anywhere, especially at the clinic i’ve been taking him to since he was a bb. praying he didn’t contract anything from the ticks…we’ll get a blood test sometime in september-december

bestie soup told me u could see the northern lights in the city last night + they sent me some pics but i pulled a leg muscle skating n it hurt too bad to waddle over to the overpass (plus there’s been several shootings in my neighborhood the past couple weeks outside my building so i don’t rly like going out at night rn anyway)

yesterday oomf texted the gc n said a friend of a friend asked him where to listen to my music online bc they loved my set :’)) the last time i played a show was the beginning of march!!!! that made me feel rly good so now i have more incentive to finally upload things to soundcloud again. might work on that later today…like. might,…finally post something

he said he sent them a link to my old bandcamp and i forgot i never deleted my music there i only scrubbed my sc so i went over n listened to what i posted. it was kinda cute. in 2020 i started using ableton for the first time consistently and actually tried to figure out how to make stuff w it so everything f from that time is like. ahh. i’d do that so different now!! but at the time i was so proud of myself and that makes me feel kinda fuzzy (in a good way) like noticeable artistic growth yanno? n also knowing that version of myself who was constantly suffering and seeking an End still felt excited abt what i was making. it’s cute. my old self is someone ive made peace w and hold close to my heart in the ‘it’s different now and it’s Awesome’ way like fuck yea lil buddy you got clean and made it out alive. that’s sick

some of my old music goes hard asf too tho. a lot of unreleased stuff on my google drive i dug thru after listening to my bandcamp i don’t even rly remember making but i was like :0 !!

i was up until 5:30am working on a flyer !! i wanna make more flyers!! i miss making flyers. i’m outta practice and using procreate bc i don’t have photoshop anymore so still a newbie on the program front but i think. i did a good job and it looks cool so that’s nice

i rly wanna skate but my leg hurts i feel like that spongebob guy

[yuukei-yikes]

now that u mention it i kinda wish we knew more of ayataka. like is their canon dynamic even strong enough to be GIRL BESTFRIENDS!! or are we really just left with yeah theyre friends

ermmm well. yeah id say its strong enough to be like YIPPEE GIRL BEST FRIENDS but like, BARELY...

all of ayano&takane's interactions onscreen are

1. their first meeting at the festival

2. takane offscreen organizing a party for ayano and taking her to the gaming event (where she was gonna take haruka too anyway but he was busy). this is all sort of offscreen because its from haruka's pov. takane still calls to ask if shintaro had remembered ayanos bday and if he had gotten her a present (he hadn't) so even if this one is definitely really sweet, its sad that its not explored bc its not their pov and also haruka and shintaro end up being there anyway. here is also where takane mentions her and ayano are like "penpals", at least until ayano finishes her school year and entered their same school. basically to say they kept in contact after the festival and it made them close to a point where takane was organizing a party for her so.. id say they are best friends :3

3. their talk on aug15 abt supplementary lessons and then about well. haruka and shintaro (attacks them both with hammers) GET OUTTA HERE

4. this one might not count because it wasn't ayano, but takane thought it was. it's from when kano is playing ayano at school. i don't like this moment because the talk is basically takane talking and talking and talking about HARUKA and then asks ayano(kano) if she has a crush on anyone. this is such bullshit lmao and kano is also so mean to her on his pov. he's like takane wont shut the fuck up abt haruka and also she looks surprised im making ayano say she doesnt like anyone bc she probably thought id say shintaro. like he's so mean abt it lol mostly probably to make a point of how much kano hated posing as ayano but still. im really annoyed how its written anyway. just takane talking abt haruka exclusively then asking who does ayano have a crush on like GOD who wrote this (side eye)

5. the email ene sends to ayano saying they will save her

...And i dont think im forgetting any!

i think the strongest moment to be able to say YES of course theyre best friends is the whole gaming event/birthday party bit from over the dimension. i think its so sweet takane organizes ayano a party and even if annoying its cute that she checks if shintaro bought her a present bc she knew it was gonna make her happy. takane mentions ayano was acting a little :( abt no hbd from shintaro and takane felt bad for her lol which is why she calls haruka to check if shintaro remembered. like... the boys are still very involved and stuff and takane was gonna also take haruka to the event she takes ayano but. we can still count it as a good one👍

i was thinking abt this yesterday actually because im like. what kinda relationship do they have post str that is outside of the shintaro bullshit and it pisses me off bc its difficult to work around it when canon doesn't help much.

i think once ayano and shintaro's little circus is over (and soon also shintaro and takane's) takane is super delighted that her relationship with ayano can go beyond what she can do for her and her relationship. i think she probably noticed that her and ayano were almost exclusively spoke for and about shintaro being a jerk and his wellbeing and etc.

maybe ayano is also a lot like omg tell me stuff abt your relationship with haruka :3 like trying to gossip and takanes like man we arent 16 anymore we got a lot more other shit to talk abt right?? and ayanos like 😇NO IF I DONT FOCUS ALL MY TURMOIL ON MY STUPID LOVE LIFE I WILL BREAKDOWN SO HARD AND I DONT WANT TO <- in the inside. in the outside says aww but im curious if youve kissed haruka already :3 shintaro already sat 5cm closer to me than last time👍👏 and takanes like man this sucks. like now that she's older and all this shit's happened takane realises how silly it feels and is relieved when ayano and shintaro separate and ayano starts being more normal LOL

i think like mekatrio and even haruka, takane is a lot like hey. ur like not. OKAY. im here if u need me etcetc but i think ayano was still not in a position of opening up and much less to her since takane's all like 🤞 with shintaro. i think in the quartet haruka's the one she opens up to i answered an ask like that a little bit ago hehe haruaya BESTFRIENDS but with takane, ayano sees a lot of things in between and can't bring herself to cross the line. like not only how shintaro may prefer takane as a gf (wrong ayano is just insane) but takane prefers shintaro as a best friend?? ayano just overthinks so much lol. so its kind of a weird one until both of their respective messy relationships with shintaro get sorted out at least!! after that i think they're both relieved to be able to just be friends and hang out without making it into a therapy session abt relationships or reassurements abt IM NOT gonna date ur lame ass boyfriend . yknow. qjdnwkdjwk ayano admitting to takane she is jealous and takane being all aauuuggghhhh WHYYYYYY!!! ayano is very thankful that takane sticks by her side even after the ridiculous dynamic they went through

anyways. i also wish we got more exploration of their friendship bc its like WHAT is there. we know they were close but its just mentioned so we have no idea what the dynamic is like or what the hell they talked about other than boys. its pathetic

[homonculos]

having some stress today bc my partner is a little mad at me for some bad choices i made yesterday :( posting abt it so i can exorcise the demon 1) i found a desk on the side of the road that i thought might be nice for our apt but was actually kinda shitty, and i knew it was a little shitty but still asked if he wanted to check it out. so he walked 20 min (it was hot out) to come look at it w me, which was a waste of time during our busy evening 2) i encouraged us to get poke for dinner from a place that was rated “just ok” by the health dept and partner was feeling a bit sick afterward. i felt ok and he did say that he was probably fine, just psychosomatic, but firmly stated that he didn't want to go there again 3) i shoplifted a face lotion from the grocery store even tho i promised him i wouldnt do that in his presence (he hates stealing)

god strike me down for my transgressions!!!! i was on immature and thoughtless behavior but it happens and i will be better today!

[misqnon]

u gotta try harder /j

I WASNT ON TUMBLR MUCH TIL LIKE.. A YEAR AGO... SO I HAD NO IDEA .... that is extremely funny. thank u

theyre in a 3 way qpr with luffy as the center

THAT ZORO IMAGE IS SO FUNYN AHFHSJD

"i like to imagine he speaks with the emojis like you typed them. (“how are you saying that out loud-”)" NAHDIAHE hes magic thats how

i have a big crush on ace too but TRACE HEATFIST.... something abt him.... idk he just hits the spot for me. i love big brother characters n characters that r good with kids.. ace fills that spot.. and then u add his silly smoothness in the 4kids dub and its like wow. u are Perfect.

STEAL THEM!! i have . a pinterest board of . meme image. silly meme image. (is pinterest something ppl still use... i only started using it a few years ago)

NO A CUP MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE... I think u were rightm.

THATS SO FUNNY... see i never thought dragons were real but i DID believe . that unicorns were real for quite a while (i never liked to admit it). honestly i didnt consume much dragon content but i did like to just. think abt them . i had this mobile game i liked playing that was just a choose ur own adventure type story . but ur a dragon. never played spyro (and didnt even know about it til i was like... 12) but it seems rly fun and i would love to play the remaster,, purple dragon ily. i cant believe ur the kind of kid who could beat games... i was so stupid as a kid i didnt even know how to play animal crossing city folk correctly .... YOU ALSO??? FLIGHT RISING???? i joined in uhh 2019? i think? i found out abt it in like 2016 but forgot and then tried to join in 2018 but it wasnt accepting new users.. and then yeah. 2019. so ive been on and off a lot but i LOVE flight rising. i love my dragons. even tho theyre mostly un-gened 1st generation dragons..

sanji is . arguably the most human of all the straw hats.. which is interesting bc he is also the only one who was supposed to be inhuman. ofc i think theyre all very human but sanji has the most moments where i can relate to him. the sanuso fic i was reading yesterday... he was so full of shame... and they wrote him hiding behind his hair.. and i felt so intensely SEEN by that. like oh my god he is ME i do all these things.. i find that my comfort characters are usually... ones who suffer a lot. i love suffering. in media.

SHREK SCREENSHOT..

"I WANT TO PUT THE SANJI FEEDING MICE AND THE CREW IS CONFUSED SCENE IN A FIC SO BAD BUT I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK ATM 😭" i will write it for u

"sanji vs. minnie mouse his hardest battle yet" oh my god........ ur mind...... wow...... genius...... crackship time (have u seen . oh wait ur not into jjk.. ok have u seen frollo x goofy... its insane...)

BEING MAD ABOUT SIMPING FOR SANJI IS SO REAL.. please dont be attractive please stop please... please . IVE SEEN THAT OUTFIT and every time i get ANGRY (not for real but y'know.) because he looks SO GOOD and i dont like to admit that.. i hate to admit that. UR RIGHT that outfit is extremely gay like wtf is going on with that tie???? or whatever it is? around his neck??? this is like gay men wearing scarves

"have u seen that post where its drawings of each of the strawhat “rescue teams” of arlong park, enies lobby, and whole cake?" I SAW THAT A FEW HOURS AGO AHDHSH

"law 1: edgy. flipping u off. deranged. a bit evil looking. kinda hot" i see u...

i love law so much he is so antagonizing and then . the contrast.. when he is stupid or cute. its wonderful.

"HE ALSO LOOKS SO SO PATHETIC 😭 SOPPING WET CAT OF A MAN" i LOVE how pathetic he looks. i like pathetic people so much.. like why are u like that.. making me pity u.. only in media tho never in real life 🙏🙏

ZORO LOOKS LIKE A DOG AHEJDHA WHAT IS THAT

USOPP?? USOPP?????? HES THE MEME IMAGE ...

CHOOPA MY GUY.. he looks so silly as a full deer i wish he did that more often

this is blue period but im running out of funny images i have saved ...

dw abt taking a bit to reply!! i am patient /gen

IM TRYING MY BEST 

sharing my veteran knowledge

3 WAY QPR IS PERFECT 

trace heatfist the magic man. skeazy magician and fuckboy

ace is VERY likeable idk a single person who doesnt like him. even my non one piece friend likes him but i think shes weak to his freckles

i trade memes like pokemon cards. i look forward to this symbiotic relationship

arent unicorns the national animal of scotland…(or ireland maybe…) THAT WOULD MAKE ME THINK THEYRE REAL

I COULD ONLY BEAT SOME GAMES a lot i didnt but usually bc i got out of the rhythm of playing them and left them unfinished. when i was younger i made my older brother play the hard parts for me a lot LMAO. ALSO DO YOU WANT MY FLIGHT RISING DRAGONS. IDK WHAT TO DO WITH THEM ALL MAN I DONT PLAY ANYMORE

i love that sanji is arguably the most emotional of the group (aside from franky or chopper, but for them its just played for laughs) and that overemotional/low self esteem part is exactly what makes him so relatable. i actually really appreciate that oda gave that trait to a male character. sanji cries a lot and is overemotional and kind of hysteric sometimes jdvbvfjdk so im glad they didnt make it like nami or robin who was like that stereotype. GOD I REALLY CONVERTED U TO SANJI TOWN DIDNT I. SORRY WE’RE ALL HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AND PROJECT ONTO THE WEIRDO

*FROLLO X GOOFY????* 

I HATE ADMITTING THAT I THINK HE’S HOT BC HE DOESNT DESERVE IT. BUT I DO. I THINK SANJI IS HOT. I DO. UNFORTUNATELY. in that maroon wano suit…ODA WHO TOLD YOU TO DO THAT!!!!!!!

and yes law too…listen. i have a big heart, ready to love, [possessed by sanji]

the little scarf/ascot is the gayest part 

“"HE ALSO LOOKS SO SO PATHETIC 😭 SOPPING WET CAT OF A MAN" i LOVE how pathetic he looks. i like pathetic people so much.. like why are u like that.. making me pity u.. only in media tho never in real life 🙏🙏” exactly…PATHETIC FICTIONAL MEN GO HARD

I LOVE THE DOG ZORO SCREENSHOT HE LOOKS LIKE HES GONNA BITE SOMEBODY

AND USOPP KDSJNKJ I USE THAT ONE SO MUCH

i agree i like almost all of chopper’s other forms better than when hes a little baby 😭

IS THAT MAKIMA NSCKJAS???

also u are free to keep sending me e-letters but if you want to just message on discord that is also fine. as i said. message me whenever 🫡

lets see what we have for 2day...

[i-am-an-arson-enthusiast]

a post in which i rant about tech related things yet again

kinda sorry kinda not bc tech is the only thing consuming my life right now. also wednesdays seem to be cursed. last week someone i thought was my friend asked my deadname and this week,, i don’t want to say felt worse but i genuinely think that was the worst i felt. i can not put into words how much it hurt physically. ok time for the actual story

the joke of the day was “yeah back here we are having mental breakdowns on the daily.” and holy shit is that true. one of my friends has cried every single day from the stress and you CAN NOT blame him for it. i can not stress enough to you guys how horrible it is to work this musical. like yay i get to be with friends but everyone is falling to pieces and no one is ok and the teachers dont fucking understand. so i also cried yesterday. and ima be honest i didn’t want to. i went to get water and i jsut knew i needed to so i went back to my seat backstage. didn’t last five minutes before i had to go to the other side so i could to my friend.

long story short the stress from tech and the guilt of not being able to help my friend got to me and i broke down. doesn’t help that only a week ago someone asked my deadname. and it feel like that happened months ago. not 7 days ago. i quite literally do not have the time to unpack that. i do not have time to sit down and think about with myself. i had to rush to the conclusion of fuck that man i hope he understand show horrible of a person he is to me now.

i would like to mention we haven’t even gotten to the worst part of yesterday :333333

ok time for the worst part: so the friend who cried (love that man) left before me which. hurt. but i get and i wasn’t gonna force him to stay with me. i get home and i see an ungodly amount of notifications from arsom gang fire emoji as normal (i love u guys idc abt the notifs) and a dm from him. for the record he doesn’t dm me out of no where normally. and it says “for now on, don’t talk to me”. i just started testing my friend again and she now knows everything things i refuse to say online because they are barely even my business. you can use ur imagination. so apparently he unfriended me bc maybe twenty minutes later he refriends me. he also texts me apologising and girl i forgave him so fast. i hope he knows how much i love him. (platonically he has a gf and is significantly older than me) but those twenty minutes before he did that my mental health was at the lowest it has ever been. and 2020/2021 was really bad for me mentally. thank god no one died around me.

so yeah today is the day of trying to take shit slower and making sure my friend is ok. bc even if im not good at playing therapist i need someone to be there for my friends and if im that person then ill be that goddamn person.

if you read all of that i love you so so much and i really do mean it. if you want to talk to me about anything go ahead. :)

[blackvail22]

i felt so bad recently. like, physically and mentally. i think that shows from my recent posts lol. my doctor asked me if i had any trauma yesterday. how could i explain to her that so many traumatic events happened in my childhood, even now? my 10th birthday party, 11/19/18, that one night i stayed at em's, 2/10/16, each time my dad tried to off himself because of how drunk he was, each time my dad ran away in the middle of the night because he was drunk.... theres so many fucked up shit that has happened to me and still does. how do i explain to her that i remember each event so clearly, that all of them created a trigger for me? every year on my birthday i remember that day, a fear of my father; i cant be alone with a man, and i have a fear of sleepovers. cuts in general, fear for sharp objects... it all comes back to those events. whenever someone mentions their birthday, my dad, invites me to a sleepover, has a pair of scissors or a knife, mentions suicide... i feel like im going to theow up. i get this burning hole in my body, a tightness in my chest, and i remember the events vividly. its not ptsd-grade, but its so scarring for me.

told my bf yesterday abt my new diagnoses. i told him "im starting to look like my mom [with how many diagnoses i have]" and he was like "thats not a good thing". i told him i dont have the same things as she does, and he was like "oh. thats good at least". he meant well, but im afraid ill get too much for him again and he's going to hate me. i really am hyperactive whenever im near certain people. im that way at work, but its kinda because i have to be. im that way around him, but idk if ill be the same way in person

im afraid im going to be overbearing and just annoying.

im so fucked its terrifying

im such a fucked up person! i cant deal w this

[onemorningapricot]

Day 25 - 24.9.22

Today, I woke up at 9:39am. Yesterday, I was so stressed about missing attendance and breaking my 100% streak but today I couldn't care less. That is, in the morning; now the stress is slowly simmering back up. So, I woke up, joined the webinar event and it was, as expected, a total slob show. It was supposed to be a 10:00-12:00 event but it ended at 10:40. All of a sudden too. I was flustered and tbh kinda pissed. The event promised "industry expertS" and it was one guy who barely made any sense. As usual, just a scam, as with everything here. I had my Yakult and then breakfast and then just streamed shows one after each other for the rest of the day. I don't know if I was relaxed watching them though. The stress is always bubbling behind me but I didn't care; I mean I can take a break, right? I'm 19, a 2nd year uni student, I work long hours with no breaks and I even use up my breaks studying. I can, can't I? I'm not sure. With my time calculator, all my non-class studying barely adds up to 24 hours a week and I haven't even reached that for the past 2 weeks. I don't know what to think of myself now. I think I'm being very irresponsible now under the facade of having everything together. That I'm only fooling myself by pretending I'm busy when I'm not. I mean the numbers obviously tell otherwise but then why do I always feel so tired. Am I in fact, not actually physically tired but instead emotionally tired? I think that's the most probable answer. It's nice to have a space where I can honestly display my thoughts without having to force, fix it into a box made for others to judge.

I cleaned my room a bit too today. I'll finish it when I'm done writing this too. I think that's one good thing. I also took a shower, did my hair and prayed. Three other good things I did today. I had two ice creams though. I suppose that can be forgiven. I have an interview at 9:20pm. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know much about my future so I'm not sure on what I should be focusing on and what I should let go. I also need to learn how to not get stressed by small things. I've realised I do that way too much. All in all, I've really changed so much as a person over the past year and coming down here has really made me do that, both in a good and bad way. I've reflected the most I've ever had on myself and learned what I look like at my worst. I suppose, in some twisted way, that is a positive. Typing out that word was hard. Positive. This feels so strange. My hand feels heavy and my fingers prickle because of that word. I feel sad. It's been long since i thought of something positive...

I watched a bunch of shows today: Blind, The Golden Spoon, Seasons of Blossom and 반야. The last really shook my heart. For the first time in my life, I cried so loud and heavily. I never realised I had never done that before. What a word: 반야. A profound realisation. Not that I care abt Buddhism in any way, I feel so profoundly shook by this word. I don't why I cried so much either. Well, I never seem to know why I cry these day anyways, but still. I felt weird even though I myself am the one crying. I don't what that movie meant to me but I feel so fundamentally moved. Something in there really resonated with me. I don't what it is but something did.

Since my last post

There are three things I've realised.

You can only achieve in life, if you do more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSN7jaOL1VA

I, too, am staring to live a "normal" life.

Confidence in oneself, makes the person. Ji Changwook & 서지훈

I really enjoyed watching 당신이 소원을 말하면 this past month. Ji Changwook's acting was really on point and so real, it really moved me. Like his screams were so honest, there could be no better way to express that anger and helplessness. Terribly sad it's ending this week. Little Women started off good and then shifted into terribly foolish but I'm still willing to skip through it. Blind seems lowkey interesting so I'm still gonna keep watching it, though I doesn't seem too profound/worth my time. Seasons of Blossom: super invested in Ha Min's story; wish the other timeline didn't exist; quite disturbs my watching tbh. The Golden Spoon is a drop. One Dollar Lawyer seems like a good recap read. Love in Contract? just need to know what the ML's job is and I think that interest too will fade of soon.

So yeah. That's my summary. See you in my next post :)

Bad Events Counter: 0.5

[lizbotw]

sleeping with a french braid is SUCH a bad idea

[mageyalook]

csp’s calligraphy pen is super fun to use wow

[ind1c0lite]

just something personal ghjkhlj you don't need to know me like that if you don't want to HGJKHLJ

//tw for talk of suicide, and just bad mental health stuff in general

ok this is a tad personal to post on here but I've been thinking abt it alot lately so

In August of last year I nearly tried to kill myself twice in a row, (emphasis on nearly I ended up not doing anything both times don't worry ), it's not outta nowhere the entire lead up to it was me being very depressed, anxious, stressed and completely paranoid outta my mind for about 7-8 months before that, so safe to say not the b e s t mental state to be in

it all happened a month before my 18th birthday, which is kind of insane currently cause I legitimately never thought I'd ever live to see it, and yet here I am, going to turn 19 in a few months. Which means that this all happened almost a year ago- it still feels like yesterday to me honestly

I never told anyone about it outside of a medical setting, I mean largely cause there's no way to bring it up naturally like that, the only person I ever told was my social worker and that's only cause ya know, she's helping me work through my mental health and it's important she knows these kind of things

I mean- Im happy I didn't end up doing anything, Im happy im still alive and kicking, but I'm also still grappling with it all to this day, even though my brain keeps telling me I should be over with it all by now, but obviously that's not true, I went through one of the worst mental spirals of my life it's not something Im going to heal from easily, life has just gotten harder for me ever since then

But even then, I'm just happy I still have people in my life who support me, even if they don't know it a little goes a long way for me and Im beyond grateful for those people who are still in my life even after the shitshow that was last year, I don't blame anyone except myself for it all, it was just a whole soup of misery in the end, but at the very least I can say that I made it out of that year alive, and I'm hopefully slowly yet surely healing from it

It feels kinda good to get this all out in the world, this has kinda felt like a dirty secret of mine for so long, maybe this will help me let go a lil

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #8 !! 🥞💫🧸

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 14th 2022 🎻🍞🐻 ⊹ɞ

hewwo diary :3 today im din hav too ba day, or may bee im jus block out da bad parts >_< im slight vent buuuuut also a feel teensy 🤏 bit bwetter. <3

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

so where do im start diary? 😮😮 oh ya ! :3 2day im woke up likeee 10 mins before my bus came so im din hav much time 2 get ready BUT BUT BUT ,,, im did wear deordoorrant which is gud ! cos usually when i wakes up lil lwates dese days , im forget deodorant n it make me very embarrassed bcos im stress sweat easily … n dont wanna bother peoples w bad smellys ))): so am proud dat im din forget this time!!! ^ω^ am wore a maroon varsity jacket dat matches my school colours <3 denim jean shorts n a white tubbie top along w my signature pearl necklace :33 im was feeling very pretty today 🙈😊

sooo todays im got on bus in time 🚌 ^o^ im din get time eat breakfast doe so im was hungry ))))): gurgurugyrle. maths class was really borinf n i din really understand it >_< n den art class was vry rypical but im had funny moment where im went to refill the paper towel n just as i refill it there dis guy who looked down at the papertowel like :0 then at me like :0 and we had a good laugh <3 (:

im kinda sad doe because recently my friend has been acting weird :I she wa skinda passive aggressive to me when i explained to her tht i was hanging out w my close friend for stranger tings s4 n was like “i understand u wanted to hangout w him but likeee im here you know” which mad eme feel kinda sad and obliged when i dont owe her any of my time as a friend . bcos if we were gonna aply this logic to her than id passively aggressive remark her everytime she hang out w her friends. and she has lots. but i dont. im dont even b mad or express it. ya it kinda lonely and a lil sad bc i wish i had lot friend like her doe honestly she just kinda poopy friend rn ): n even when she hangout w other friend i understand cos everyone have ofher fg and she do too and she not obliged to hangout w me but when she do its like im not even dere. u inv me and rhen trweat me badly. is meanie. and den after that day i tried hanging out w her or a few day later n then she really left me out n i just walk behind everyone and felt so alone and she din even say goodbye to me when i walked into my class so i felt so alone and left out and unwanted ): i wanted 2 cry ))): after dat day things habent felt the same and seein what she posts on her story makes me feel like it a slap in the face becos she always talking abt how she so stressed abt schoolwork but i see her hanging out w her friends every single day and den she complains abt it, n then complains abt people msging her n doesnt reply and it makes her sound rlly ungrateful ): ik she jusy very stressed bur if she is then she should let people know to take it easy on her but she dont n it really… urhhggg it make me ): angy. sad. bothered. annoyed. and its ok to feel day way cos its emorions and i am allowed to. *sigh* im jusy wish dings were diff cos i thought she were my rock doe for now i just distance :I

im gor driveb work n it was :IIIII,,, OH OMGGGG im went into winners and i found dese rlly cute stuffies n a playmat!! a lady looked ar me weird but im kiddo so is ok if i look at toys n placemats ):< even if i not kiddomo it still ok hmph )):<< but YA they were so cute uhggg im wants buy them so bad it was $40 OG but was going for $30 so only 10% off T^T hmph. dey were feel like pillows doe when i touch the playmat so now i reallllyyy want a playmat or a pink rug :0 for my room !!!!

so den i ate lunch n it was yummy 😋:3 but when i try deunk me water it had soap in it becaos im not priplery clean waterborfl yesterday!!!!! ): but fortunatel y im make myself custom order at starbuck n manage to get a deal ! im wanted fhe deagonfruit lemonade refresher but for a grande 470 ml it was 5.85, so im did custom lemonade w 2 pump raspberry, scoop of strawberry, dragonfruit infusiob and light ice in a venti 780 ml and got that for 5.35 so i got a deal for the same taste :DD 😋😁 i happy it mobile ordee roo soo im not have to spend time trying to tell ordwer cos im get anxious sometime ))): esp w starbuck. i am ok w ordering boba sometime bcos im know what i want but starbuck mot so mych ))):

work kinda made me sad ): im was on stock and the only ding i get as a gift for working at it for 4 ish month is a 75$ gift card dat would b like… abt 1-2 paycheck (basically one biweekly for a month) but i did internship for free for 4 month. ): i just wish i learnee more or had a more enjoyable experience because honestly my boss is very toxic and she completely didnt even inv me to the employee photo for an outfit op which make me feel excluded and alone, hearing them all pose and laugh outside on the sales floor while i worked on stock alone in the back ):

my rl mom told me that alone i stand out feom the crowd as a star and dont need people like them who seek external validation which sort of made me feel better but i just wish id feel not so alone even when in crowds ): im always feel like an alien or an outsider )):

im got home, pet my furbaby, n then fell asleepy when im not supposed to ): so i feel bad abt taking nap. im sleep for 3 hr wake up n is 8:30 . im did homework which was personal finance n was kinda hard so i couldnt get alot done :I my rl mom gav me food doe before bed n brought it up which was nice bc i was only thinkin of homeworks n not of dindin. so im ate bacon egg and some 🍜 😊😋 yum yum.

am was hesitant but im called my clwose friend cos recently him n i gots in situation dat really made me sad ): we had a heart-to-heart conversation dwoe and now have a better understanding and i am so relieved dat i checked on him bc i miss his voice n his lil laughs n stutters ))’: and he missed me too which made my heart warm ( ^ω^ ) am glad that im din cry too cos if i did then itd b difficults to speak but im was super super strong today !!! im still strong when im cry but today???? nah im was strong strong ! hehe

so ya im talk w him for like hour n den now i in bed. im gon fill out habit tracker, manifestation n shut my eye, dat p much da update diary. i am very very sad indivudal and im trying to get theough it befor i relapse relapse n dings go sour. i am jusr hoping that my stress will b taken away soon and dat i can finally have my wants and needs come to fruition. i love u diary. muwah muwah.

and im also want dino hoodie but cant find any one i likes :S hmmmph ):< but am will find one one day ! <3

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[frogtanii]

Hey hey hey J!!! Hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself. Water, food, and sleep are the fundamentals for a good day so please make sure you’re getting everything you need. Sorry I didn’t get to say anything yesterday, I was really busy :(. Since this is gonna be a 2 in 1 I’ll try my best to not go overboard.

Ok so yesterday’s chapter was great! I love that they’re starting the interviews and I’m expecting that this is gonna make Daichi and Osamu really look at their behavior towards YN. Btw, I’m writing this before reading the next chapter (it was 9am EST when I wrote this and you don’t post till 1pm EST). Anywhoo, I’m also really loving that they’re learning to communicate effectively from Oiks. His little “I‘m just /communicating/” was a mood. I’m glad they’re ready to face the consequences of their actions, no matter what happens. Like don’t get me wrong, I love them and I understand Meiko had them on sum different but it was still wrong on so many levels. Also thank you for the bonus endings!! Like thank you for writing this as a whole but thank you for going above and beyond for us!

Moving on to today’s chapter! Daichi really sat there and tried to justify his wack *ss behavior. No way, the audacity. My thing is like I understand if someone hurt someone you care about so you avoid interacting with them but actively making their life hell??? Like that’s just childish and it’s frfr none of your business. Like what good does it do you to bother them when they’ve done nothing to you specifically?? Have your loyalties or whatever but don’t you dare hurt someone for something you never witnessed. It just makes an asshole out of you. But getting off my little ethics rant, I’m glad that Daichi is reflecting on his relationship with Suga. Its gonna lead him to reevaluate Meiko (hopefully, especially now that he knows what she did to Suga) and his treatment of YN. It’s kinda concerning that he just let him go so easily at first. I feel like I say something is concerning in every reaction lol. I’m not sure if they’ve really spoken to one another since Suga stopped interacting with Meiko, but if Daichi really believed he was as close to Suga as he says why would he let his friend get so distant with so little protest? Like fight for him if he’s really your main homie. Also poor YN and Atsumu. Like as besties I feel like they’re really struggling since YN experienced it and Atsumu watched how much it hurt her. Like the rest of the cum squad™️ doesn’t exactly see the full scope since they were the abusers (and yes I’m gonna use such a strong word since that’s what they were) for a long while and she never really let them see how it hurt, maybe that it made her a bit angry but never that it hurt her deep (not until much later anyways). I feel like it was a bit traumatic for Atsumu too bc imagine not being able to help your friend too much other than arguing with people who never actually change their behaviors. He probably felt a bit helpless and useless since all he could really do is let her cry and try to get people to leave her alone. But yeah so all of that to say, it was probably really hard for both of them and I feel bad for them since they have to relive that trauma. Fantastic writing, as usual :), and I look forward to how this will all play out!

-🦉

hola love!!! omg i <3 long messages skdjdk && i rlly like what u noticed abt tsumu??? mans is struggling ;-; kajsk neways, i hope u have a good day / night!!! <3333

[oceanlandworld]

how we (finally) built an inner world

hi it’s georgie halcyonminor!!! this is gonna be a long post but hopefully it might be helpful to other systems? 

so i (probably) have osdd1b and a thing that i/we have struggled with for years has been developing an inner world/headspace. like we’ve felt really fake for a long time because of not having one and it’s made us feel pretty bad at times… anyways yesterday with the help of our partner we did a successful visualization/trance exercise that let us actually create and visit one! and i wanted to share the technique we did  for any other systems who might have a hard time with this. i can’t promise it’ll work for you but it worked for us and it’s fairly exciting to us! this is designed for people with some ability to visualize but some of what i mention may still be useful for folks with aphantasia

i’ll get into more abt visualization in another post i think BUT first i just wanna describe what we did. we started with a meeting room that multiple parts can meet in at once, but we’re gonna try and make individual rooms for parts later..

an issue we had for a while is that trying to just imagine a room w/ a couch in it always produced kind of a shitty windowless room with an ugly couch and like. who wants to hang out there!!!

one other note: we are incredibly fortunate to have a partner system that we live with irl who is knowledgeable about dissociation, trauma, visualization/hypnosis, and particulars of our life/system and that we trust immensely. so they were able to help with us and i think that this is much much easier with someone guiding the meditation - it could probably be done remotely via discord or whatever as well, though 

so here’s what we did:

picked a room aesthetic that appeals enough to us in general to be a pleasant meeting space. if you have trouble communicating and/or wildly varying tastes this may be difficult but it can be changed and modified as needed. having actual pictures of a room similar to what you want helps a lot - ours is loosely based off the interiors from the love witch (2016)

wrote a short but semi-detailed description of what the room looks like. here’s ours:

“Imagine a room with purple walls and a thick red carpet and faux-Victorian furniture (like the Love Witch).  The curtains on the windows are red velvet and glass lamps hang from the ceilings and sit on tables, although the curtains are not drawn; enough natural light flows in that the room is airy and comfortable. Along the walls are bookshelves and tables with various knickknacks and small objects. There is a large, plush velvet couch in the center of the room which can comfortably fit multiple people, and which seems capable of expanding as necessary to fit more. In front of it sits a coffee table. There are also chairs around the table and throughout the room in which people can sit without having to be on the couch.”

then:

gave the description to our partner and got into a comfy position - our partner knows a lot about hypnosis scripts and was able to improvise a relaxation exercise to get us into a trance/visualization state (it was the descending stairs exercise, if you’ve ever done that one) - you can also write a script for this is improvisation won’t work for you

 we just kinda went at it after that. we visualize different details of the room at different times - first the wallpaper, then the feel and color of the curtains, individual objects on shelves, etc. we had a mirror in the room which was neat because i (georgie) got to see myself in-headspace

idk if this helps anyone but the main this we wanna stress are:

writing stuff down in detail is REALLY helpful. remember that a headspace in many cases is something you build, not that appears out of the aether for you. writing and describing and making notes on it isnt cheating!

pinterest boards/aesthetic blogs are also useful for finding images to go off of

even if you have limited visualization ability you can still write descriptions of a headspace, find pictures that look like what you want, and if you are inclined towards visual arts you can try drawing stuff too

[illnessfaker]

do you have any resources on OSDD? like more in depth than just the diagnostic criteria, i'm very familiar with those, i guess more...people talking abt what it feels like? I have cptsd and I've been noticing things very similar to what you described in your post for a long time now. I thought I had DID for sure a while ago, but I was also actively manic/psychotic, so when that calmed down I assumed I had just been delusional. But the identity disturbances and dissociation persist. I don't think it's DID now it's osdd if it's anything but I'm wary of saying that for sure and rly would like some i guess more descriptive accounts of how symptoms are for someone with it. Sorry if this is a lot/you don't have anything of that nature, I'm glad to hear you're figuring out your own multiplicity and hope the understanding helps you in your healing process!

firstly, thank you for your kind words 😊

@/this-is-not-dissociative has a lot of info about did/osdd-1 (and other dissociative stuff) as well as having did/osdd-1 vs. dissociation in bpd/cptsd - though it's possible to have did/osdd-1 and bpd/cptsd of course - and did-research.org talks about osdd-1 a little bit (especially vs. having full-blown did). these are probably the best resources i can point you towards even though they don't contain many personal accounts. the first blog is staunchly against self-dx iirc and there's a lot of "you should speak to a professional about this" but u know how it is (at the very least they provide a lot of info and resources on how to go about doing that, it seems.)

some posts in particular that may be informative/helpful to you (there are probably many reasons to dislike this blog but it's what i've found most informative so yeah):

anp and ep, + an explanation of structural dissociation and how it models ptsd, cptsd, bpd, osdd-1, and did.

anp and avoiding trauma

an example of did vs. osdd-1

parts in bpd/cptsd vs. osdd-1

parts in cptsd vs. osdd-1 (this mod "kevin" has osdd-1, by the way)

parts vs. fragments vs. alters

alters not being easy to recognize

identity confusion vs. identity alteration

( read-more bc this got long despite it being past my bedtime lmao )

the problem w personal accounts of stuff and did/osdd-1 is presentations of these diagnoes will differ from person to person, sometimes greatly. contrary to media depiction they're also covert disorders by nature - they're psychological coping mechanisms for intense distress, and part of those coping mechanisms is being ignorant to the fact that your sense of self is fragmented / there are parts of your sense of self that are attached to trauma. i know of several folks who were initially diagnosed with osdd-1 but then later re-diagnosed as having did because the severity of their situation was very effectively hidden from them by this dissociation.

( another problem is that ppl are flawed and can give bad/wrong info on how stuff works or trends can give the wrong impression and unfortunately that's very common w did/osdd-1 spaces online. e.g. u don't have to know the name, age, etc. or know who's "fronting" or whatever with elaborate tagging systems and pages on ur blog with said info abt ur parts or "alters" to have did/osdd-1. worrying abt that stuff too much can worsen dissociation. )

it's not common for someone to have did/osdd-1 and for it to be obvious to themselves or others (who don't know what to look for, that is). this is why no small number of folks with did/osdd-1 are seemingly well-functioning on the outside since different dissociated parts often serve "everyday life" purposes such as going to work/school and these parts are the ones disconnected from traumatic "materials" as they're called. part of the reason why i'm wanting to conceptualize my experiences as osdd-1 is due to the fact that my default state (the "host"?) is emotionally dissociated from my trauma - i know it happened, but it seemed like it happened to "this body" rather than "me" and i don't feel anything about it until i get triggered. "apparently normal parts" that handle everyday life are usually trauma-avoidant or separated from the trauma like this in some way.

that being said, i'm still not totally sure if i qualify for an osdd-1 diagnosis or not tbqh. my situation is most like the "some individuals with OSDD-1 lack both amnesia and highly distinct parts" mentioned in the page i above linked (but yesterday and this morning/afternoon i was convinced i did - go figure). i'd been researching did/osdd-1 for a while (not necessarily because i thought it was what i was experiencing) which is part of what helped me come to terms with having experienced dissociation for a long time, and i thought up until like...the other day i definitely didn't have it. i came to believe i had some weird bpd/cptsd/szpd-like situation where emotional states had been "locked away" in boxes that i rarely touched as a defense mechanism against psychological distress. i also had a metaphor for my "emotional part(s)" as it/them being like, (a) ghost(s) that follow me around and aren't evil but occasionally "wrap their hands around my throat" to remind me that they're there.

then i saw someone w an osdd-1 diagnosis talk abt how they have parts whose "job" is to "feel sadness for them" as a defense mechanism against that kinda distress and then i was like...huh. and then i thought about how seeing my parents again felt kinda weird and distant. and that's kinda what tipped me off, despite having a pretty unstable sense of self and dissociation issues for a while. the "seeing my parents" thing is somewhat more major, because it felt different from my "default setting." thinking about it is uncomfortable and weird.

ur gonna have to do a lot of reading, tbh, and doing it in moderation is probably a good idea since thinking too much abt dissociation can trigger it. another thing is that conceptualizing yourself as having did/osdd-1 when you don't actually have that experience can worsen dissociation/identity issues as well so u gotta be careful abt how u approach it. but at the same time, cptsd and did/osdd-1 have mostly the same treatment methods anyway (and technically u gotta have cptsd to have did/osdd-1, not as like a diagnostic requirement really but a "you have to be traumatized from long-term traumatic experiences at a young age" sense) so many resources abt did/osdd-1 may be helpful to u regardless of whether you "have" them or not.

i can't tell u how to differentiate between symptoms of psychosis and did/osdd-1 (the blog i mentioned may have posts about that topic - there's two in their master-posts but neither were particularly helpful i don't think) since afaik i'm not psychotic but i wish you luck!