#i felt kinda bad abt yesterday's post

[vamp-a-day]

Day 66

@sparkvampweek Day 6: (I didn't follow the prompt, sry)

Apologies -- Drabble under the cut (~500 words)

--------------------------------------------------

Vampire paced around the upstairs bedroom for what felt like hours. His head was swimming with a frustrated mixture of feelings and what he speculated to be a light hangover. He'd barely seen Sparkling since the incident last night-- He couldn't even really remember what he'd said to make him upset.

Oh. Right. That. Vampire had stopped his pacing and was now pressing both of his hands against his temples before sliding his fingers through his hair. A short jolt of the panic he felt last night flashed through his body, running his jam cold. I really fucked up this time, didn't I? He had to say something. He couldn't bear this silent treatment. He went back and forth, back and forth once more before going to head downstairs.

The old steps of the house groaned quietly as Vampire made his way down slowly, timid to make any sudden sounds. He saw the light golden swath of his lover's hair peaking out from the back of his arm chair, already neatly combed. He snuck up behind him, taking a peak at what he was doing. It was a crossword, already mostly done.

Vampire took a deep breath.

"Hey, uh. About last night--"

"Don't worry about it." The sudden response took Vampire aback. "I made a big deal out of nothing."

"But you were right, I need to shut my big mouth." Vampire made his way to the arm of the chair and knelt down next to it so he could look at Sparkling. His face had the same calm expression he usually wore. "I upset you, that's a big deal to me--"

"Vampire, it's fine." He nearly spoke in a whisper. "I overreacted. You didn't deserve to get locked out, even if it was just for a moment." His voice shook slightly. He set the puzzle book down on his lap and sat forward so their eyes met. "I know how that sort of thing makes you feel, I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry."

There was a short silence.

"I'm sorry, too." Vampire laid his chin on the arm rest. "And I mean it this time." He closed his eyes, and just barely audibly under his breath he whispered again, "I'm sorry."

Sparkling let out the breathe he felt he'd been holding since last night and smiled gently. "Let's just forget it even happened, okay?"

Vampire nodded. "Okay." He propped himself back up and made himself comfortable on the arm of the chair. He leaned in close, resting his head on Sparkling's. "Can I help you with your puzzle?"

Sparkling let out a short chuckle. "Sure. How about a five letter word for a colorful species of bird--"

"Parrot!"

"That's six letters."

"Oh."

"Try again."

[rosemary-bells]

so as the world caves in (matt maltese) IS a ranwan song and no i will not elaborate i don’t NEED to,

[fainthedcherry]

IT'S TIME TO FINALLY ABBACCHIO POST. I was spending several weeks just gathering all the times I've drawn Abbi!!! :>

A LIST OF WHAT DRAWING IS MEANT TO BE WHAT:

1TL - First time drawing Abbi, just exploring his design basically in my artstyle

2TR - SECOND time drawing Abbi (doodled a bust outta boredom at work again and realised how fun he is to draw from then on)

3MDPPR - Doodle of Abbi and Moody Blues in combat, bc his ASBR hand poses RLLY intrigue me, SLAY ABBI SLAYYY SO I referenced that pose when he URRYA's but FRONT perspective

4MDPPR - I then last second wanted to fill my empty page w/ another doodle of Abbi getting harrassed by the Sex Pistols to wake Mista up midst his makeup routine bc I felt like making a cute doodle ;v

4MDGTL - Drawing a dream I had almost a week ago, I only finished that drawing yesterday bc I was so sleepy the past 2 weeks I didn't pick up the pencil much in result T-T

4MDDGTL - JUST REDRAWN MY FAVOURITE MEME. In case unaware, this is referencing the Samuel Johnson painting. Idk why, but that painting is just so perfect and I've doodled Abbi in response to a message to my friend Hart LMFAO (you got my permission to repost this one btw memes are made for sharing imo so go ahead for that piece in particular)

BTM L & R - 2 more boredom doodles! One at work, one at school when the teacher didn't give us clear instructions on what to do so the entire class including me just sat there and procrastinated bc he's that bad of a teacher 💀

RAMBLING ABT THE FULL ART PROCESS ON EVERY PIECE BELOW;

TOP DRAWINGS. I WAS DRAWING ABBI AT WORK BC I WAS BORED AND IT WERE SLOW DAYS W/ NOTHING TO DO IN MY DEPARTMENT THAN SIT AND CHECK INK TANKS. I then realised, how much fkn FUN IT IS TO DRAW HIM. I always loved Abbacchio's design, even 3 years ago, when I was still in high school and freshly watched Golden Wind in its peak popularity smwhr, with an over-active fandom that fed me SO many funny Dio parenting Giorno memes. NOW that like 4 of my friends and apparently EVEN MY BOYFRIEND like Jojo, I'VE BECOME MEGA OBSSESSED AGAIN JUST LIKE 3 YEARS AGO. AND DAMN AM I GLAD I AM BC ABBI IS THE FIRST CHARACTER I PROPERLY AM FINALLY EMBRACING MY CRINGE ERA OVER. Side note but the rhyme actually I came up from the top of my head randomly when I thought abt him (and sobbed over his backstory once more my poor donut victim) I used to be afraid to draw ANY fanart at all, bc I was afraid, people would HATE my takes on characters I love - but now that I'm older and I basically dgaf abt what people have to say abt me and my tastes, I finally dared take a step into fanart territory and braved myself into drawing my fav depressed blorbo.

MIDDLE DRAWING - PAPER DOODLE. AH YES. THE DOODLES THAT TOOK 3 SCHOOL WEEKS NOW BASICALLY, 8HRS OF DRAWING BETWEEN LESSONS EACH. I was shaking SO HARD on a certain week, and the classmate sitting next to me POUNDED THE TABLE A LOT OUT OF BAD HABIT. I SEVERAL times ACCIDENTALLY in panic always yelled "BE CAREFUL!" until I was done re-tracing Moody Blues's sketch to clean it up properly 😭😭😭, ABBI LOOKS OK. NOT PROUD OF ABBI. BUT DAMN MOODY BLUES KINDA SLAYS. (Disregarding its funky gummy hair not connecting back to the shoulders which is somth I only now know after staring at Abbi and MB for HOURS to study how to draw them properly)

LOOONG PARAGRAPH AHEAD ABT TO EXPLAIN THAT DRAWING IN METICULOUS DETAIL;

MIDDLE DRAWING - THE ONE WHERE ABBACCHIO APPEARED IN MY LORE-HEAVY DREAM. IRL me was in the dream going home from work (late-shift), with a fictional coworker who looked real, but doesn't exist IRL, I forgot her appearance, so she's a grey blob in my doodle of what happened in the dream. BUT as I was walking through a park that VAGUELY, SLIIIGHTLY resemblences my IRL park in my town, suddenly a YU-GI-OH LOOKING FKN PURPLE PORTAL APPEARS. PINK LIGHTNING COMES OUT OF IT. SUDDENLY ANCIENT, BRITISH FKN VICTORIAN GHOSTS EMERGE AND START BALLROOM-DANCING??? <-This was the SECOND TIME. LATELY. I DREAMED OF GHOSTS TRYING TO HURT ME IN MY DREAMS. AND SOMEONE PROTECTING ME FROM THEM IN RESULT TOO THO. BUT. These ghosts were a pretty pastel-pink, tbh they looked rlly cool I might make em world-lore relevant ghosts or something LOL

^I freeze like I do IRL if something scares me and I just stand there and watch?? Suddenly this like British Monopoly-man mfer comes OUT. WITH A MODERN KITCHEN-KNIFE. YOU CAN'T GET MORE BRITISH THAN THAT. THE DAMN GHOST NEARLY SHANKED ME IN THE HEAD. I JUST BRACED AND ACCEPTED MY DEATH THEN AND THERE. THEN FKNNN MOODY BLUES OUT OF NOWHERE ALSO URYA'S THE BRITISH VICTORIAN GHOST SO I'M SAFE.

^ABBACCHIO PROTECTED ME. HE COMES OUT FROM THE TREE AND STARES DOWN THE GHOST. MFER STARES AT HIM ANGRILY BACK, SO THEY SEEMINGLY HAD BEEF IN THE DREAM, BEFORE I EXISTED. AND THE BRITISH GUY MUMBLES SOMETHING, PICKS UP HIS HAT, FADES AWAY INTO DUST LIKE IN MY WORLD-LORE ABOUT GHOST-DEATH. I JUST STARE IN AWE THAT FKN. LEONE ABBACCHIO FROM JOJO'S BIZARRE ADVENTURE IN THE 3D-ASBR MODEL LOOKING FLESH STOOD IN FRONT OF MY IRL HUMAN SELF. OF NOTE: I WAS LUCID-DREAMING. I WAS AWARE, HE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST. SO I IMMEDIATELY GET UP, GET WOOZY BC BLOOD CIRCULATION IN MY LEGS SUCK, AND WANT TO ASK HIM IF WE CAN BE FRIENDS. BEFORE I CAN DO THAT. HE GETS ALL PISSY WITH ME AND IS REALLY ANGRY AND SNEERS.

--"You shouldn't be out at this time. Go home already. It's too dangerous."

"WAIT- BUT CAN I TALK TO YOU-"

--"NO. I SAID GO HOME!"

HE WAS ACTING LIKE CANON ABBI AND I APPRECIATE THAT THANKS DREAM, BUT MINUS POINTS FOR NOT ALLOWING ME TO SIMP. SO YEAH I DID RUN HOME AND I LISTENED. MY FRIEND FOLLOWED SUIT CONFUSED ASF.

--"Why were you surprised that he's real?? Did you NOT see him lurking behind the tree?!"

"NO??? YOU DID????" "

--"[GROAN] LOOK."

>SHOWS ME DRONE-FOOTAGE SOMEHOW OF ABBI DANCING W/ A GHOST. THEN I NOTICE IT'S JUST A MOODY BLUES REPLAY AS HIM. THEN. PUNCH THE VICTORIAN GUY. HE WAS SNEAKING UP ON THE GHOST THE WHOLE ARSE TIME AND MY BLIND ARSE DIDN'T SEE IT. SO YKNOW I WON'T MENTION THE REST OF THE DREAM BUT TURNS OUT THE BRITISH POSH GHOST WAS PART OF SOME MAFIA. HENCE THE BEEF W/ ABBACCHIO HAPPENED AND HIM STILL BEING IN PASSIONE IN THAT DREAM IN B4 TRAITORING DIA.

OK ART PROCESS OF THIS DRAWING; INBETWEEN IMAGE AHEAD I HAVEN'T DRAWN;

^THIS DRAWNIG IS JUST AN OFFICIAL ILLUSTRATION OF ABBACCHIO I HAVE EDITED. I DID *NOT* DRAW THAT. That is an official drawing from David Productions / Hirohiko Araki. SO YEAH I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF THIS, NOR HAVE I DRAWN IT. DISCLAIMER OUT THE WAY B4 SOMEONE THINKS I'VE PUT EFFORT INTO THAT DRAWING DONE? GOOD!

I denoted, what might've caused Dreambacchio as I call him, to look like THAT. I was playing ASBR the same night I dreamt of this Abbi, but his model had colouration C. That explained, why his 3D ASBR model yelled at me and ONE SPECIFIC FRAME from the anime. Like I kid you not, IT'S THIS FRAME.

*ONCE AGAIN NOT MY DRAWING. DAVID PRODUCTIONS, JOJO PART 5 SCREENSHOT TAKEN FROM THE ANIME. NOT MY DRAWING. GOOD, MORE CLARIFICATION!!

HE YELLED EXACTLY LIKE THIS AT ME. IN THE DREAM. HIS FACE IS ONE-TO-ONE TRANSLATED ONTO A 3D MODEL OF HIM INSTEAD. IN THAT FKN DREAM. I REMEMBER HIS FACE CLEAR AS DAY IN THE DREAM. Like I kid you not, I am so obssessed w/ him lately, that I remembered PARTS OF MY DREAM CRYSTAL-CLEAR. That is something usually I DO NOT remember 100%, to my friends who know me, they know. SO YEAH TESTAMENT OF HOW MUCH I LIKE ABBI IG.

ALSO of note; I accidentally indoctrinated my friend Kobra to ALSO simp him, and now we're BOTH obssessed w/ Abbi. 😭 The catalyst to her liking him so much tho, is bc I apparently draw him hot??? LIKE IDK IF I DO. IF SOME JOJO FAN FINDS MY DRAWINGS OF HIM HOT. I'M GLAD. I TOO, LOVE DRAWING ABBACCHIO'S MAN BIDDIE-WINDOW. /hj

Unironically, the way he dresses I DREAM of dressing tho IRL....Imagine if I owned that 90's gucci coat Abbi's is based on, and fixed it to suit an Abbi cosplay. SOME DAY. I WILL COSPLAY AS HIM. THAT'S A THREAT. IDC IF BIOLOGICALLY I'M A WOMAN. I CAN DREAM TO BE LIKE THIS MAN. HE IS JUST VERY STYLISH AND I LOVE GOTHS.

--

MIDDLE DRAWING DIGITAL; JUST A MEME I LIKE I'VE REDRAWN TO REPLY TO MY FRIEND. I didn't watermark the panel above bc I traced a few things from the OG portrait here and there. THE PANEL BELOW THO. IS DRAWING WO/ TRACING. That one I watermarked at least bc I HAVE drawn it by myself. Above I was just lazy, sleepy and came freshly home from work, I SLAVE AWAY AFTER WORK, TO DRAW ABBI LATELY OBSSESSIVELY. I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM BLAME MY AUTISM DFKLLSDG

Doodles below - also self-explanatory, done in the span of 15 mins. Since our school-PCs have Adobe programs and APPARENTLY Paint.Net I got DEVIOUS and just..The first file that exists on my school-server drive is THIS doodle of Abbacchio now. Using my German tax euro for the right things, y'all /lh

THAT CONCLUDES MY RAMBLES ABT THE PROCESSES OF THESE DRAWINGS I THINK. HELLA JOJO TAGS AHEAD BC HONESTLY I KINDA WANT PEOPLE TO SEE MY DRAWING OF DREAM-ABBI THE MOST TBH. BC HE'S JUST SO PRETTTYYYYY-

I PLAN TO DRAW MORE ABBACCHIO....SO STAY TUNED IG IF YOU ALSO LOVE ABBACCHIO!!!! My art request ears are VERY open, if you want me to draw a jojo character next 👀👀👀 (THOUGH keep in mind, they will be minimal doodles, BC I am spending most of my effort on owed art I have to pay off still!!!!!!!)

HELLA TAG-AVALANCHE AHEAD. FAIR WARNING. I'M SO GLAD THE TUMBLR LAYOUT I USE PUTS THEM TO THE SIDE SO IT DOESN'T DISTRACT FROM THE DRAWINGSSS. SORRY IF YOU FIND TAGS ANNOYING BC AGAIN I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO STARE AT MY DREAM-ABBACCHIO TBH...I MIGHT TURN HIM INTO MY OWN CHARACTER OR HELL IF PEOPLE WANT IT...CAN BE SOME FORM OF JOJO AU. BUT IDK IF PEOPLE WANT AN AU WHERE THE PASSIONE GANGSTAR GANG FIGHT A BUNCH OF BRITISH MOBSTERS THAT ABDUCT TEENAGE GIRLS WITH SPECIAL EYES AND HAIR TO A CRUELLA DEVILLE TYPE OF WOMAN.

^YES ONCE AGAIN, WILD DREAM WITH WILD DREAM LORE.

[largetriangles]

been working on this paper most of the day and just sent an email asking for an extension. it was supposed to be due on wed and he made it due on fri to give us more time.

it was due at 5 but the assginment closes at 12. Im gonna submit my in progress doc and then submit the rest later. I dont feel good but this is not new for me so it's not too bad either i guess. Asked to have until the middle of next week as extra time bc i want to redirect my project slightly, which is true. I've got better ideas than what I was doing.

It wouldn't have been fully fixed, but being out of my vynse really fucked me up. like whatever I was hanging out this weekend thats fine. but if i had done any work on monday, tuesday, wednesday, or thursday I would have been fine lol :skull:

but i didnt do anything on monday. I slept in and got my meds which I took 1 of them around 2pm bc thats when I got them which led me to being up kinda late. tuesday I wake up kinda late take my meds at a more normal time but I woke up late enough that I only got a couple things done before Isaac was home and hes more important than doing that stupid ass essay on that day (I had the rest of the week to do it. it's literally fine to not write an essay 4 days in advance). Wednesday. I wake up late -_- and I freak abt another paper for noooo reason once I sent the email he reminded me of a convo we had and I'm literally fine. I do get some work done finding sources yayyy. Then I've gotta go to work and be ready for my momma to get me and go home. not gonna write an essay late at night at my parents house. Thursday (yesterday) I um I. oh right. I woke up super late bc I forgor how dark my room is here. Then I go out on the couch and I open some stuff up but mostly research boxing gyms and watch tv. watched my cousin vinny (vyvanse lets me watch movies?) and called with Doctor (who is Not the fuck you guy shes awesome actually). Then I'm watching tv with momma and then tv with dad. jeez we watch tv. we just always have shows to catch up on together lol. anyway then suddenly its today and I do set alarms and do go to coffee shop to get a decaf drink and work pretty well for a while. but also I had that crying breakdown which did lead to a short panic attack haha. I lock in and get some more done (2 hrs of work) and then I get food for what felt like 15 mins but was 45+ and then i work for another hourish before writing my email asking professor (who is actually the fuck you guy) for an extension. and here i am 30 mins later after god knows what finishing a long tumblr post. OH i messaged dio a little. love that guy

[7rashstar]

i didn’t rly sleep last night yap sesh below the cut

missed mayday festivities because i am debilitatingly socially anxious but then went camping for a friends bday and felt refreshed by being able to see soooo many stars and be outside…(and go on the most extreme hike of my life dude omfg)

while we were camping my digi cam fell out of my pocket when i laid on the ground to look at the sky and stars and it stormed that night and my camera got destroyed. hoping the sd card is salvageable..

creepy had hella ticks on him (including one thats head got stuck in his uhh..wiener lol) went to the vet got em removed in total there were 8 (!!) that we found. he has so much fur man idk there could be some more on him but at least they’d be dead atp because i ALSO finally got a flea tick preventative that he can take monthly. it’s been impossible to get a vet appointment anywhere, especially at the clinic i’ve been taking him to since he was a bb. praying he didn’t contract anything from the ticks…we’ll get a blood test sometime in september-december

bestie soup told me u could see the northern lights in the city last night + they sent me some pics but i pulled a leg muscle skating n it hurt too bad to waddle over to the overpass (plus there’s been several shootings in my neighborhood the past couple weeks outside my building so i don’t rly like going out at night rn anyway)

yesterday oomf texted the gc n said a friend of a friend asked him where to listen to my music online bc they loved my set :’)) the last time i played a show was the beginning of march!!!! that made me feel rly good so now i have more incentive to finally upload things to soundcloud again. might work on that later today…like. might,…finally post something

he said he sent them a link to my old bandcamp and i forgot i never deleted my music there i only scrubbed my sc so i went over n listened to what i posted. it was kinda cute. in 2020 i started using ableton for the first time consistently and actually tried to figure out how to make stuff w it so everything f from that time is like. ahh. i’d do that so different now!! but at the time i was so proud of myself and that makes me feel kinda fuzzy (in a good way) like noticeable artistic growth yanno? n also knowing that version of myself who was constantly suffering and seeking an End still felt excited abt what i was making. it’s cute. my old self is someone ive made peace w and hold close to my heart in the ‘it’s different now and it’s Awesome’ way like fuck yea lil buddy you got clean and made it out alive. that’s sick

some of my old music goes hard asf too tho. a lot of unreleased stuff on my google drive i dug thru after listening to my bandcamp i don’t even rly remember making but i was like :0 !!

i was up until 5:30am working on a flyer !! i wanna make more flyers!! i miss making flyers. i’m outta practice and using procreate bc i don’t have photoshop anymore so still a newbie on the program front but i think. i did a good job and it looks cool so that’s nice

i rly wanna skate but my leg hurts i feel like that spongebob guy

[yuukei-yikes]

now that u mention it i kinda wish we knew more of ayataka. like is their canon dynamic even strong enough to be GIRL BESTFRIENDS!! or are we really just left with yeah theyre friends

ermmm well. yeah id say its strong enough to be like YIPPEE GIRL BEST FRIENDS but like, BARELY...

all of ayano&takane's interactions onscreen are

1. their first meeting at the festival

2. takane offscreen organizing a party for ayano and taking her to the gaming event (where she was gonna take haruka too anyway but he was busy). this is all sort of offscreen because its from haruka's pov. takane still calls to ask if shintaro had remembered ayanos bday and if he had gotten her a present (he hadn't) so even if this one is definitely really sweet, its sad that its not explored bc its not their pov and also haruka and shintaro end up being there anyway. here is also where takane mentions her and ayano are like "penpals", at least until ayano finishes her school year and entered their same school. basically to say they kept in contact after the festival and it made them close to a point where takane was organizing a party for her so.. id say they are best friends :3

3. their talk on aug15 abt supplementary lessons and then about well. haruka and shintaro (attacks them both with hammers) GET OUTTA HERE

4. this one might not count because it wasn't ayano, but takane thought it was. it's from when kano is playing ayano at school. i don't like this moment because the talk is basically takane talking and talking and talking about HARUKA and then asks ayano(kano) if she has a crush on anyone. this is such bullshit lmao and kano is also so mean to her on his pov. he's like takane wont shut the fuck up abt haruka and also she looks surprised im making ayano say she doesnt like anyone bc she probably thought id say shintaro. like he's so mean abt it lol mostly probably to make a point of how much kano hated posing as ayano but still. im really annoyed how its written anyway. just takane talking abt haruka exclusively then asking who does ayano have a crush on like GOD who wrote this (side eye)

5. the email ene sends to ayano saying they will save her

...And i dont think im forgetting any!

i think the strongest moment to be able to say YES of course theyre best friends is the whole gaming event/birthday party bit from over the dimension. i think its so sweet takane organizes ayano a party and even if annoying its cute that she checks if shintaro bought her a present bc she knew it was gonna make her happy. takane mentions ayano was acting a little :( abt no hbd from shintaro and takane felt bad for her lol which is why she calls haruka to check if shintaro remembered. like... the boys are still very involved and stuff and takane was gonna also take haruka to the event she takes ayano but. we can still count it as a good one👍

i was thinking abt this yesterday actually because im like. what kinda relationship do they have post str that is outside of the shintaro bullshit and it pisses me off bc its difficult to work around it when canon doesn't help much.

i think once ayano and shintaro's little circus is over (and soon also shintaro and takane's) takane is super delighted that her relationship with ayano can go beyond what she can do for her and her relationship. i think she probably noticed that her and ayano were almost exclusively spoke for and about shintaro being a jerk and his wellbeing and etc.

maybe ayano is also a lot like omg tell me stuff abt your relationship with haruka :3 like trying to gossip and takanes like man we arent 16 anymore we got a lot more other shit to talk abt right?? and ayanos like 😇NO IF I DONT FOCUS ALL MY TURMOIL ON MY STUPID LOVE LIFE I WILL BREAKDOWN SO HARD AND I DONT WANT TO <- in the inside. in the outside says aww but im curious if youve kissed haruka already :3 shintaro already sat 5cm closer to me than last time👍👏 and takanes like man this sucks. like now that she's older and all this shit's happened takane realises how silly it feels and is relieved when ayano and shintaro separate and ayano starts being more normal LOL

i think like mekatrio and even haruka, takane is a lot like hey. ur like not. OKAY. im here if u need me etcetc but i think ayano was still not in a position of opening up and much less to her since takane's all like 🤞 with shintaro. i think in the quartet haruka's the one she opens up to i answered an ask like that a little bit ago hehe haruaya BESTFRIENDS but with takane, ayano sees a lot of things in between and can't bring herself to cross the line. like not only how shintaro may prefer takane as a gf (wrong ayano is just insane) but takane prefers shintaro as a best friend?? ayano just overthinks so much lol. so its kind of a weird one until both of their respective messy relationships with shintaro get sorted out at least!! after that i think they're both relieved to be able to just be friends and hang out without making it into a therapy session abt relationships or reassurements abt IM NOT gonna date ur lame ass boyfriend . yknow. qjdnwkdjwk ayano admitting to takane she is jealous and takane being all aauuuggghhhh WHYYYYYY!!! ayano is very thankful that takane sticks by her side even after the ridiculous dynamic they went through

anyways. i also wish we got more exploration of their friendship bc its like WHAT is there. we know they were close but its just mentioned so we have no idea what the dynamic is like or what the hell they talked about other than boys. its pathetic

[gabapentinblues]

12.29.2024 nightly journal entry. (for anyone who wants to read about my life) tw; sh and substances

walked to seven eleven with my friend this morning and got coffee and a white monster and drank both right away so i really caffeinated and it felt nice. it was foggy and rainy outside but not that cold. wore the flannel i got with her yesterday at goodwill and the beanie i got for christmas. we dyed our hair yesterday and watched a horror movie, might watch another tonight. im trying to stay up later so im not sleeping so much and also wanting to have some more rituals and take better care of myself.

vi and i talked about me maybe getting a social worker but it seems really difficult for some reason. she tried to help me by looking things up before i left this morning which was sweet. she told me to mention it to my therapist so i probably will and maybe she can help me too.

i drove and hour back home n drank the rest of my monster and it was rainy, i called another friend bc she said her grandpa passed away suddenly yesterday but shes estranged from her family so she was feeling weird about the whole thing. i told her id come visit for the day.

stopped at home first and self harmed bc its just a habit at this point. i got blood on my clothes and didnt even care. i also cut on my forearm which i never do but i was just really craving that spot, i just dont like to bc its pretty visible and i dont have much space between my tattoos, but anyway it wasnt even that satisfying. i cut a lot and called my mom jbc i feel obligated to, we didnt really talk abt anything.

i still wanna tell her i just want to break my lease and move home bc i dont feel like i can do this anymore.

drove over to see my other friend and she made me more coffee, i visited w her and her cats. we're playing thru a video game together. i smoked a little even tho im trying to stop. tomorrow i'll try to go the whole day. we walked to target in the rain and i got some groceries i needed and discount press on nails

we made ramen w chili crisp which was really good. i talked about how i just still feel sad and fucked up about my break up and just depressed and lonely in general no matter what i do.

i texted another friend who im getting closer with happy birthday and she told me she cares about me and that she hopes i start feeling better soon. we've been texting back and forth today. i also heard from someone ive been talking with romantically on and off for a few months, im not expecting much there but maybe it will go somewhere. she wished me happy holidays and thats basically been it.

been avoiding the girl i kissed and had a nice date with at the start of december bc i dont trust myself to be able to maintain it and i just feel like she'll end up disappointed or just totally disinterested bc im uninteresting and unhappy so often. it just feels like another austin situation where she'll just get bored of me and i'll like her too much and be left behind.

got back to my apartment as it was getting dark without self harming again even though i really thought about it. avoiding all the dishes in my sink and avoided eating dinner. what i ate at my friends was fine. i had a breakfast and a lunch and the meds i needed to take. put on my cheap press ons, listening to music.

took a lot of gabapentin and i have a bad headache rn that i thought would go away but im just gonna ignore it. getting used to using this chromebook. i wouldnt have typed a post so long otherwise. maybe i'll do these every night, idk. ive missed typing on a keyboard. and knowing that my journal entries are going somewhere other than my notebooks is kinda nice

i guess its just another way to process things. maybe i'll work on writing styles and making it readable and engaging. for now its just stream of conciousness.

trying to drink enough water. gonna do my skincare. pick a movie to watch, and maybe set up a few more things on here before i go to sleep. maybe i'll read a little bit too. i want to start feeling better, i want to feel like im working towards something. im tired of everyday feeling like endless sameness.

anyway, goodnight

[misqnon]

u gotta try harder /j

I WASNT ON TUMBLR MUCH TIL LIKE.. A YEAR AGO... SO I HAD NO IDEA .... that is extremely funny. thank u

theyre in a 3 way qpr with luffy as the center

THAT ZORO IMAGE IS SO FUNYN AHFHSJD

"i like to imagine he speaks with the emojis like you typed them. (“how are you saying that out loud-”)" NAHDIAHE hes magic thats how

i have a big crush on ace too but TRACE HEATFIST.... something abt him.... idk he just hits the spot for me. i love big brother characters n characters that r good with kids.. ace fills that spot.. and then u add his silly smoothness in the 4kids dub and its like wow. u are Perfect.

STEAL THEM!! i have . a pinterest board of . meme image. silly meme image. (is pinterest something ppl still use... i only started using it a few years ago)

NO A CUP MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE... I think u were rightm.

THATS SO FUNNY... see i never thought dragons were real but i DID believe . that unicorns were real for quite a while (i never liked to admit it). honestly i didnt consume much dragon content but i did like to just. think abt them . i had this mobile game i liked playing that was just a choose ur own adventure type story . but ur a dragon. never played spyro (and didnt even know about it til i was like... 12) but it seems rly fun and i would love to play the remaster,, purple dragon ily. i cant believe ur the kind of kid who could beat games... i was so stupid as a kid i didnt even know how to play animal crossing city folk correctly .... YOU ALSO??? FLIGHT RISING???? i joined in uhh 2019? i think? i found out abt it in like 2016 but forgot and then tried to join in 2018 but it wasnt accepting new users.. and then yeah. 2019. so ive been on and off a lot but i LOVE flight rising. i love my dragons. even tho theyre mostly un-gened 1st generation dragons..

sanji is . arguably the most human of all the straw hats.. which is interesting bc he is also the only one who was supposed to be inhuman. ofc i think theyre all very human but sanji has the most moments where i can relate to him. the sanuso fic i was reading yesterday... he was so full of shame... and they wrote him hiding behind his hair.. and i felt so intensely SEEN by that. like oh my god he is ME i do all these things.. i find that my comfort characters are usually... ones who suffer a lot. i love suffering. in media.

SHREK SCREENSHOT..

"I WANT TO PUT THE SANJI FEEDING MICE AND THE CREW IS CONFUSED SCENE IN A FIC SO BAD BUT I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK ATM 😭" i will write it for u

"sanji vs. minnie mouse his hardest battle yet" oh my god........ ur mind...... wow...... genius...... crackship time (have u seen . oh wait ur not into jjk.. ok have u seen frollo x goofy... its insane...)

BEING MAD ABOUT SIMPING FOR SANJI IS SO REAL.. please dont be attractive please stop please... please . IVE SEEN THAT OUTFIT and every time i get ANGRY (not for real but y'know.) because he looks SO GOOD and i dont like to admit that.. i hate to admit that. UR RIGHT that outfit is extremely gay like wtf is going on with that tie???? or whatever it is? around his neck??? this is like gay men wearing scarves

"have u seen that post where its drawings of each of the strawhat “rescue teams” of arlong park, enies lobby, and whole cake?" I SAW THAT A FEW HOURS AGO AHDHSH

"law 1: edgy. flipping u off. deranged. a bit evil looking. kinda hot" i see u...

i love law so much he is so antagonizing and then . the contrast.. when he is stupid or cute. its wonderful.

"HE ALSO LOOKS SO SO PATHETIC 😭 SOPPING WET CAT OF A MAN" i LOVE how pathetic he looks. i like pathetic people so much.. like why are u like that.. making me pity u.. only in media tho never in real life 🙏🙏

ZORO LOOKS LIKE A DOG AHEJDHA WHAT IS THAT

USOPP?? USOPP?????? HES THE MEME IMAGE ...

CHOOPA MY GUY.. he looks so silly as a full deer i wish he did that more often

this is blue period but im running out of funny images i have saved ...

dw abt taking a bit to reply!! i am patient /gen

IM TRYING MY BEST 

sharing my veteran knowledge

3 WAY QPR IS PERFECT 

trace heatfist the magic man. skeazy magician and fuckboy

ace is VERY likeable idk a single person who doesnt like him. even my non one piece friend likes him but i think shes weak to his freckles

i trade memes like pokemon cards. i look forward to this symbiotic relationship

arent unicorns the national animal of scotland…(or ireland maybe…) THAT WOULD MAKE ME THINK THEYRE REAL

I COULD ONLY BEAT SOME GAMES a lot i didnt but usually bc i got out of the rhythm of playing them and left them unfinished. when i was younger i made my older brother play the hard parts for me a lot LMAO. ALSO DO YOU WANT MY FLIGHT RISING DRAGONS. IDK WHAT TO DO WITH THEM ALL MAN I DONT PLAY ANYMORE

i love that sanji is arguably the most emotional of the group (aside from franky or chopper, but for them its just played for laughs) and that overemotional/low self esteem part is exactly what makes him so relatable. i actually really appreciate that oda gave that trait to a male character. sanji cries a lot and is overemotional and kind of hysteric sometimes jdvbvfjdk so im glad they didnt make it like nami or robin who was like that stereotype. GOD I REALLY CONVERTED U TO SANJI TOWN DIDNT I. SORRY WE’RE ALL HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AND PROJECT ONTO THE WEIRDO

*FROLLO X GOOFY????* 

I HATE ADMITTING THAT I THINK HE’S HOT BC HE DOESNT DESERVE IT. BUT I DO. I THINK SANJI IS HOT. I DO. UNFORTUNATELY. in that maroon wano suit…ODA WHO TOLD YOU TO DO THAT!!!!!!!

and yes law too…listen. i have a big heart, ready to love, [possessed by sanji]

the little scarf/ascot is the gayest part 

“"HE ALSO LOOKS SO SO PATHETIC 😭 SOPPING WET CAT OF A MAN" i LOVE how pathetic he looks. i like pathetic people so much.. like why are u like that.. making me pity u.. only in media tho never in real life 🙏🙏” exactly…PATHETIC FICTIONAL MEN GO HARD

I LOVE THE DOG ZORO SCREENSHOT HE LOOKS LIKE HES GONNA BITE SOMEBODY

AND USOPP KDSJNKJ I USE THAT ONE SO MUCH

i agree i like almost all of chopper’s other forms better than when hes a little baby 😭

IS THAT MAKIMA NSCKJAS???

also u are free to keep sending me e-letters but if you want to just message on discord that is also fine. as i said. message me whenever 🫡

lets see what we have for 2day...

[blackvail22]

i felt so bad recently. like, physically and mentally. i think that shows from my recent posts lol. my doctor asked me if i had any trauma yesterday. how could i explain to her that so many traumatic events happened in my childhood, even now? my 10th birthday party, 11/19/18, that one night i stayed at em's, 2/10/16, each time my dad tried to off himself because of how drunk he was, each time my dad ran away in the middle of the night because he was drunk.... theres so many fucked up shit that has happened to me and still does. how do i explain to her that i remember each event so clearly, that all of them created a trigger for me? every year on my birthday i remember that day, a fear of my father; i cant be alone with a man, and i have a fear of sleepovers. cuts in general, fear for sharp objects... it all comes back to those events. whenever someone mentions their birthday, my dad, invites me to a sleepover, has a pair of scissors or a knife, mentions suicide... i feel like im going to theow up. i get this burning hole in my body, a tightness in my chest, and i remember the events vividly. its not ptsd-grade, but its so scarring for me.

told my bf yesterday abt my new diagnoses. i told him "im starting to look like my mom [with how many diagnoses i have]" and he was like "thats not a good thing". i told him i dont have the same things as she does, and he was like "oh. thats good at least". he meant well, but im afraid ill get too much for him again and he's going to hate me. i really am hyperactive whenever im near certain people. im that way at work, but its kinda because i have to be. im that way around him, but idk if ill be the same way in person

im afraid im going to be overbearing and just annoying.

im so fucked its terrifying

im such a fucked up person! i cant deal w this

[lizbotw]

sleeping with a french braid is SUCH a bad idea

[mageyalook]

csp’s calligraphy pen is super fun to use wow

[ind1c0lite]

just something personal ghjkhlj you don't need to know me like that if you don't want to HGJKHLJ

//tw for talk of suicide, and just bad mental health stuff in general

ok this is a tad personal to post on here but I've been thinking abt it alot lately so

In August of last year I nearly tried to kill myself twice in a row, (emphasis on nearly I ended up not doing anything both times don't worry ), it's not outta nowhere the entire lead up to it was me being very depressed, anxious, stressed and completely paranoid outta my mind for about 7-8 months before that, so safe to say not the b e s t mental state to be in

it all happened a month before my 18th birthday, which is kind of insane currently cause I legitimately never thought I'd ever live to see it, and yet here I am, going to turn 19 in a few months. Which means that this all happened almost a year ago- it still feels like yesterday to me honestly

I never told anyone about it outside of a medical setting, I mean largely cause there's no way to bring it up naturally like that, the only person I ever told was my social worker and that's only cause ya know, she's helping me work through my mental health and it's important she knows these kind of things

I mean- Im happy I didn't end up doing anything, Im happy im still alive and kicking, but I'm also still grappling with it all to this day, even though my brain keeps telling me I should be over with it all by now, but obviously that's not true, I went through one of the worst mental spirals of my life it's not something Im going to heal from easily, life has just gotten harder for me ever since then

But even then, I'm just happy I still have people in my life who support me, even if they don't know it a little goes a long way for me and Im beyond grateful for those people who are still in my life even after the shitshow that was last year, I don't blame anyone except myself for it all, it was just a whole soup of misery in the end, but at the very least I can say that I made it out of that year alive, and I'm hopefully slowly yet surely healing from it

It feels kinda good to get this all out in the world, this has kinda felt like a dirty secret of mine for so long, maybe this will help me let go a lil

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #8 !! 🥞💫🧸

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 14th 2022 🎻🍞🐻 ⊹ɞ

hewwo diary :3 today im din hav too ba day, or may bee im jus block out da bad parts >_< im slight vent buuuuut also a feel teensy 🤏 bit bwetter. <3

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

so where do im start diary? 😮😮 oh ya ! :3 2day im woke up likeee 10 mins before my bus came so im din hav much time 2 get ready BUT BUT BUT ,,, im did wear deordoorrant which is gud ! cos usually when i wakes up lil lwates dese days , im forget deodorant n it make me very embarrassed bcos im stress sweat easily … n dont wanna bother peoples w bad smellys ))): so am proud dat im din forget this time!!! ^ω^ am wore a maroon varsity jacket dat matches my school colours <3 denim jean shorts n a white tubbie top along w my signature pearl necklace :33 im was feeling very pretty today 🙈😊

sooo todays im got on bus in time 🚌 ^o^ im din get time eat breakfast doe so im was hungry ))))): gurgurugyrle. maths class was really borinf n i din really understand it >_< n den art class was vry rypical but im had funny moment where im went to refill the paper towel n just as i refill it there dis guy who looked down at the papertowel like :0 then at me like :0 and we had a good laugh <3 (:

im kinda sad doe because recently my friend has been acting weird :I she wa skinda passive aggressive to me when i explained to her tht i was hanging out w my close friend for stranger tings s4 n was like “i understand u wanted to hangout w him but likeee im here you know” which mad eme feel kinda sad and obliged when i dont owe her any of my time as a friend . bcos if we were gonna aply this logic to her than id passively aggressive remark her everytime she hang out w her friends. and she has lots. but i dont. im dont even b mad or express it. ya it kinda lonely and a lil sad bc i wish i had lot friend like her doe honestly she just kinda poopy friend rn ): n even when she hangout w other friend i understand cos everyone have ofher fg and she do too and she not obliged to hangout w me but when she do its like im not even dere. u inv me and rhen trweat me badly. is meanie. and den after that day i tried hanging out w her or a few day later n then she really left me out n i just walk behind everyone and felt so alone and she din even say goodbye to me when i walked into my class so i felt so alone and left out and unwanted ): i wanted 2 cry ))): after dat day things habent felt the same and seein what she posts on her story makes me feel like it a slap in the face becos she always talking abt how she so stressed abt schoolwork but i see her hanging out w her friends every single day and den she complains abt it, n then complains abt people msging her n doesnt reply and it makes her sound rlly ungrateful ): ik she jusy very stressed bur if she is then she should let people know to take it easy on her but she dont n it really… urhhggg it make me ): angy. sad. bothered. annoyed. and its ok to feel day way cos its emorions and i am allowed to. *sigh* im jusy wish dings were diff cos i thought she were my rock doe for now i just distance :I

im gor driveb work n it was :IIIII,,, OH OMGGGG im went into winners and i found dese rlly cute stuffies n a playmat!! a lady looked ar me weird but im kiddo so is ok if i look at toys n placemats ):< even if i not kiddomo it still ok hmph )):<< but YA they were so cute uhggg im wants buy them so bad it was $40 OG but was going for $30 so only 10% off T^T hmph. dey were feel like pillows doe when i touch the playmat so now i reallllyyy want a playmat or a pink rug :0 for my room !!!!

so den i ate lunch n it was yummy 😋:3 but when i try deunk me water it had soap in it becaos im not priplery clean waterborfl yesterday!!!!! ): but fortunatel y im make myself custom order at starbuck n manage to get a deal ! im wanted fhe deagonfruit lemonade refresher but for a grande 470 ml it was 5.85, so im did custom lemonade w 2 pump raspberry, scoop of strawberry, dragonfruit infusiob and light ice in a venti 780 ml and got that for 5.35 so i got a deal for the same taste :DD 😋😁 i happy it mobile ordee roo soo im not have to spend time trying to tell ordwer cos im get anxious sometime ))): esp w starbuck. i am ok w ordering boba sometime bcos im know what i want but starbuck mot so mych ))):

work kinda made me sad ): im was on stock and the only ding i get as a gift for working at it for 4 ish month is a 75$ gift card dat would b like… abt 1-2 paycheck (basically one biweekly for a month) but i did internship for free for 4 month. ): i just wish i learnee more or had a more enjoyable experience because honestly my boss is very toxic and she completely didnt even inv me to the employee photo for an outfit op which make me feel excluded and alone, hearing them all pose and laugh outside on the sales floor while i worked on stock alone in the back ):

my rl mom told me that alone i stand out feom the crowd as a star and dont need people like them who seek external validation which sort of made me feel better but i just wish id feel not so alone even when in crowds ): im always feel like an alien or an outsider )):

im got home, pet my furbaby, n then fell asleepy when im not supposed to ): so i feel bad abt taking nap. im sleep for 3 hr wake up n is 8:30 . im did homework which was personal finance n was kinda hard so i couldnt get alot done :I my rl mom gav me food doe before bed n brought it up which was nice bc i was only thinkin of homeworks n not of dindin. so im ate bacon egg and some 🍜 😊😋 yum yum.

am was hesitant but im called my clwose friend cos recently him n i gots in situation dat really made me sad ): we had a heart-to-heart conversation dwoe and now have a better understanding and i am so relieved dat i checked on him bc i miss his voice n his lil laughs n stutters ))’: and he missed me too which made my heart warm ( ^ω^ ) am glad that im din cry too cos if i did then itd b difficults to speak but im was super super strong today !!! im still strong when im cry but today???? nah im was strong strong ! hehe

so ya im talk w him for like hour n den now i in bed. im gon fill out habit tracker, manifestation n shut my eye, dat p much da update diary. i am very very sad indivudal and im trying to get theough it befor i relapse relapse n dings go sour. i am jusr hoping that my stress will b taken away soon and dat i can finally have my wants and needs come to fruition. i love u diary. muwah muwah.

and im also want dino hoodie but cant find any one i likes :S hmmmph ):< but am will find one one day ! <3

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[frogtanii]

Hey hey hey J!!! Hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself. Water, food, and sleep are the fundamentals for a good day so please make sure you’re getting everything you need. Sorry I didn’t get to say anything yesterday, I was really busy :(. Since this is gonna be a 2 in 1 I’ll try my best to not go overboard.

Ok so yesterday’s chapter was great! I love that they’re starting the interviews and I’m expecting that this is gonna make Daichi and Osamu really look at their behavior towards YN. Btw, I’m writing this before reading the next chapter (it was 9am EST when I wrote this and you don’t post till 1pm EST). Anywhoo, I’m also really loving that they’re learning to communicate effectively from Oiks. His little “I‘m just /communicating/” was a mood. I’m glad they’re ready to face the consequences of their actions, no matter what happens. Like don’t get me wrong, I love them and I understand Meiko had them on sum different but it was still wrong on so many levels. Also thank you for the bonus endings!! Like thank you for writing this as a whole but thank you for going above and beyond for us!

Moving on to today’s chapter! Daichi really sat there and tried to justify his wack *ss behavior. No way, the audacity. My thing is like I understand if someone hurt someone you care about so you avoid interacting with them but actively making their life hell??? Like that’s just childish and it’s frfr none of your business. Like what good does it do you to bother them when they’ve done nothing to you specifically?? Have your loyalties or whatever but don’t you dare hurt someone for something you never witnessed. It just makes an asshole out of you. But getting off my little ethics rant, I’m glad that Daichi is reflecting on his relationship with Suga. Its gonna lead him to reevaluate Meiko (hopefully, especially now that he knows what she did to Suga) and his treatment of YN. It’s kinda concerning that he just let him go so easily at first. I feel like I say something is concerning in every reaction lol. I’m not sure if they’ve really spoken to one another since Suga stopped interacting with Meiko, but if Daichi really believed he was as close to Suga as he says why would he let his friend get so distant with so little protest? Like fight for him if he’s really your main homie. Also poor YN and Atsumu. Like as besties I feel like they’re really struggling since YN experienced it and Atsumu watched how much it hurt her. Like the rest of the cum squad™️ doesn’t exactly see the full scope since they were the abusers (and yes I’m gonna use such a strong word since that’s what they were) for a long while and she never really let them see how it hurt, maybe that it made her a bit angry but never that it hurt her deep (not until much later anyways). I feel like it was a bit traumatic for Atsumu too bc imagine not being able to help your friend too much other than arguing with people who never actually change their behaviors. He probably felt a bit helpless and useless since all he could really do is let her cry and try to get people to leave her alone. But yeah so all of that to say, it was probably really hard for both of them and I feel bad for them since they have to relive that trauma. Fantastic writing, as usual :), and I look forward to how this will all play out!

-🦉

hola love!!! omg i <3 long messages skdjdk && i rlly like what u noticed abt tsumu??? mans is struggling ;-; kajsk neways, i hope u have a good day / night!!! <3333

[oceanlandworld]

how we (finally) built an inner world

hi it’s georgie halcyonminor!!! this is gonna be a long post but hopefully it might be helpful to other systems? 

so i (probably) have osdd1b and a thing that i/we have struggled with for years has been developing an inner world/headspace. like we’ve felt really fake for a long time because of not having one and it’s made us feel pretty bad at times… anyways yesterday with the help of our partner we did a successful visualization/trance exercise that let us actually create and visit one! and i wanted to share the technique we did  for any other systems who might have a hard time with this. i can’t promise it’ll work for you but it worked for us and it’s fairly exciting to us! this is designed for people with some ability to visualize but some of what i mention may still be useful for folks with aphantasia

i’ll get into more abt visualization in another post i think BUT first i just wanna describe what we did. we started with a meeting room that multiple parts can meet in at once, but we’re gonna try and make individual rooms for parts later..

an issue we had for a while is that trying to just imagine a room w/ a couch in it always produced kind of a shitty windowless room with an ugly couch and like. who wants to hang out there!!!

one other note: we are incredibly fortunate to have a partner system that we live with irl who is knowledgeable about dissociation, trauma, visualization/hypnosis, and particulars of our life/system and that we trust immensely. so they were able to help with us and i think that this is much much easier with someone guiding the meditation - it could probably be done remotely via discord or whatever as well, though 

so here’s what we did:

picked a room aesthetic that appeals enough to us in general to be a pleasant meeting space. if you have trouble communicating and/or wildly varying tastes this may be difficult but it can be changed and modified as needed. having actual pictures of a room similar to what you want helps a lot - ours is loosely based off the interiors from the love witch (2016)

wrote a short but semi-detailed description of what the room looks like. here’s ours:

“Imagine a room with purple walls and a thick red carpet and faux-Victorian furniture (like the Love Witch).  The curtains on the windows are red velvet and glass lamps hang from the ceilings and sit on tables, although the curtains are not drawn; enough natural light flows in that the room is airy and comfortable. Along the walls are bookshelves and tables with various knickknacks and small objects. There is a large, plush velvet couch in the center of the room which can comfortably fit multiple people, and which seems capable of expanding as necessary to fit more. In front of it sits a coffee table. There are also chairs around the table and throughout the room in which people can sit without having to be on the couch.”

then:

gave the description to our partner and got into a comfy position - our partner knows a lot about hypnosis scripts and was able to improvise a relaxation exercise to get us into a trance/visualization state (it was the descending stairs exercise, if you’ve ever done that one) - you can also write a script for this is improvisation won’t work for you

 we just kinda went at it after that. we visualize different details of the room at different times - first the wallpaper, then the feel and color of the curtains, individual objects on shelves, etc. we had a mirror in the room which was neat because i (georgie) got to see myself in-headspace

idk if this helps anyone but the main this we wanna stress are:

writing stuff down in detail is REALLY helpful. remember that a headspace in many cases is something you build, not that appears out of the aether for you. writing and describing and making notes on it isnt cheating!

pinterest boards/aesthetic blogs are also useful for finding images to go off of

even if you have limited visualization ability you can still write descriptions of a headspace, find pictures that look like what you want, and if you are inclined towards visual arts you can try drawing stuff too

[illnessfaker]

do you have any resources on OSDD? like more in depth than just the diagnostic criteria, i'm very familiar with those, i guess more...people talking abt what it feels like? I have cptsd and I've been noticing things very similar to what you described in your post for a long time now. I thought I had DID for sure a while ago, but I was also actively manic/psychotic, so when that calmed down I assumed I had just been delusional. But the identity disturbances and dissociation persist. I don't think it's DID now it's osdd if it's anything but I'm wary of saying that for sure and rly would like some i guess more descriptive accounts of how symptoms are for someone with it. Sorry if this is a lot/you don't have anything of that nature, I'm glad to hear you're figuring out your own multiplicity and hope the understanding helps you in your healing process!

firstly, thank you for your kind words 😊

@/this-is-not-dissociative has a lot of info about did/osdd-1 (and other dissociative stuff) as well as having did/osdd-1 vs. dissociation in bpd/cptsd - though it's possible to have did/osdd-1 and bpd/cptsd of course - and did-research.org talks about osdd-1 a little bit (especially vs. having full-blown did). these are probably the best resources i can point you towards even though they don't contain many personal accounts. the first blog is staunchly against self-dx iirc and there's a lot of "you should speak to a professional about this" but u know how it is (at the very least they provide a lot of info and resources on how to go about doing that, it seems.)

some posts in particular that may be informative/helpful to you (there are probably many reasons to dislike this blog but it's what i've found most informative so yeah):

anp and ep, + an explanation of structural dissociation and how it models ptsd, cptsd, bpd, osdd-1, and did.

anp and avoiding trauma

an example of did vs. osdd-1

parts in bpd/cptsd vs. osdd-1

parts in cptsd vs. osdd-1 (this mod "kevin" has osdd-1, by the way)

parts vs. fragments vs. alters

alters not being easy to recognize

identity confusion vs. identity alteration

( read-more bc this got long despite it being past my bedtime lmao )

the problem w personal accounts of stuff and did/osdd-1 is presentations of these diagnoes will differ from person to person, sometimes greatly. contrary to media depiction they're also covert disorders by nature - they're psychological coping mechanisms for intense distress, and part of those coping mechanisms is being ignorant to the fact that your sense of self is fragmented / there are parts of your sense of self that are attached to trauma. i know of several folks who were initially diagnosed with osdd-1 but then later re-diagnosed as having did because the severity of their situation was very effectively hidden from them by this dissociation.

( another problem is that ppl are flawed and can give bad/wrong info on how stuff works or trends can give the wrong impression and unfortunately that's very common w did/osdd-1 spaces online. e.g. u don't have to know the name, age, etc. or know who's "fronting" or whatever with elaborate tagging systems and pages on ur blog with said info abt ur parts or "alters" to have did/osdd-1. worrying abt that stuff too much can worsen dissociation. )

it's not common for someone to have did/osdd-1 and for it to be obvious to themselves or others (who don't know what to look for, that is). this is why no small number of folks with did/osdd-1 are seemingly well-functioning on the outside since different dissociated parts often serve "everyday life" purposes such as going to work/school and these parts are the ones disconnected from traumatic "materials" as they're called. part of the reason why i'm wanting to conceptualize my experiences as osdd-1 is due to the fact that my default state (the "host"?) is emotionally dissociated from my trauma - i know it happened, but it seemed like it happened to "this body" rather than "me" and i don't feel anything about it until i get triggered. "apparently normal parts" that handle everyday life are usually trauma-avoidant or separated from the trauma like this in some way.

that being said, i'm still not totally sure if i qualify for an osdd-1 diagnosis or not tbqh. my situation is most like the "some individuals with OSDD-1 lack both amnesia and highly distinct parts" mentioned in the page i above linked (but yesterday and this morning/afternoon i was convinced i did - go figure). i'd been researching did/osdd-1 for a while (not necessarily because i thought it was what i was experiencing) which is part of what helped me come to terms with having experienced dissociation for a long time, and i thought up until like...the other day i definitely didn't have it. i came to believe i had some weird bpd/cptsd/szpd-like situation where emotional states had been "locked away" in boxes that i rarely touched as a defense mechanism against psychological distress. i also had a metaphor for my "emotional part(s)" as it/them being like, (a) ghost(s) that follow me around and aren't evil but occasionally "wrap their hands around my throat" to remind me that they're there.

then i saw someone w an osdd-1 diagnosis talk abt how they have parts whose "job" is to "feel sadness for them" as a defense mechanism against that kinda distress and then i was like...huh. and then i thought about how seeing my parents again felt kinda weird and distant. and that's kinda what tipped me off, despite having a pretty unstable sense of self and dissociation issues for a while. the "seeing my parents" thing is somewhat more major, because it felt different from my "default setting." thinking about it is uncomfortable and weird.

ur gonna have to do a lot of reading, tbh, and doing it in moderation is probably a good idea since thinking too much abt dissociation can trigger it. another thing is that conceptualizing yourself as having did/osdd-1 when you don't actually have that experience can worsen dissociation/identity issues as well so u gotta be careful abt how u approach it. but at the same time, cptsd and did/osdd-1 have mostly the same treatment methods anyway (and technically u gotta have cptsd to have did/osdd-1, not as like a diagnostic requirement really but a "you have to be traumatized from long-term traumatic experiences at a young age" sense) so many resources abt did/osdd-1 may be helpful to u regardless of whether you "have" them or not.

i can't tell u how to differentiate between symptoms of psychosis and did/osdd-1 (the blog i mentioned may have posts about that topic - there's two in their master-posts but neither were particularly helpful i don't think) since afaik i'm not psychotic but i wish you luck!