#i feel too awful to focus
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🎄 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS → DAY FIVE 🎄 EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990), dir. Tim Burton "I'm not finished."
#25daysofchristmas#christmas#edward scissorhands#usermichi#usersameera#userconstance#userfilm#dailyflicks#fyeahmovies#filmeedit#holidaysource#usersugar#userlera#movieedit#moviegifs#i love this movie however i do not support j* d* this man is awful#so i tried my best not to put his face on the gifset and tried not to focus on him too much#anyway feel free not to reblog this
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i’m so in love with this world and everything in it
#well#most everything#there is some really awful stuff#but!! if i think about that too much i will spiral and i am not stable enough to be able to come back from that#so!! we focus on the good here#that’s actually part of why i try so hard to be positive and happy and cheerful#to keep myself from sliding and to hopefully make other people happy and feel safe and comfortable :DD#did anyone ask?#no#but you get this information anyway!!
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Do me a favor, okay? Next time you have a chance, close your eyes for a minute and take a deep breath and imagine someone loving you.
Imagine someone who gets excited just thinking about you. Imagine someone who loves the things you say and do and who genuinely enjoys spending time with you. Imagine someone who feels lucky every moment they get to be around you.
It can be a real person or someone you just made up. You can imagine them praising you or laughing with you or touching you or whatever love means to you. It can be romantic or otherwise. Take your pick.
And if you had a hard time doing it?
Do it again. And again. And again.
I read once that it’s important for us to visualize being loved. That your brain needs to be trained like a muscle, and like a muscle, it can become weak from disuse. Your brain can only do the things that you practice doing, and if you never, ever visualize someone loving you, it becomes difficult to even imagine someone loving you. You get stuck in a rut. And once it’s impossible to imagine someone loving you, it becomes impossible to believe you will ever be loved.
I think… sometimes it can become easy to stop believing that we’re worthy of love. And I think sometimes we have this fantasy of someone making us believe that we’re worthy of it again. Or that somehow we’ll just — earn it, one day. Being worthy of love and desire, respect and affection.
But I think the truth is that we can only start believing that we’re worthy of love if we’re capable of imagining it. And it becomes much, much easier to imagine it if you practice doing so.
It may feel awkward at first. Embarrassing. Silly. Maybe even painful. But think about it like this, maybe: your first day in a dance class, you’ll fall. You’ll look ridiculous. It’ll feel like your body will never be able to do this fluidly. But by the end of the class, you’ll be able to move in a whole new way. Maybe not perfectly, but… better, y’know?
Learn to waltz with your own mind, and try not to cringe too hard at your first awkward movements. Start small and work your way up if you have to. Someone liking you, then someone liking your conversations, then someone liking your presence, then someone purposefully seeking you out. Someone putting time aside for you. Someone thinking about you when you’re not there. Someone being with you because there’s nowhere they’d rather be.
It may feel self-indulgent, but… I mean, we all deserve to be indulged sometimes. And we all deserve to feel worthy of love.
So… indulge yourself. Take a moment and have a silly little fantasy. Get into the habit of imagining love, and imagining it for the you that exists right now, not the you that you wish you were.
Learn to speak the language of love as it applies to you, even if you think that it doesn’t, and one day you’ll realize how to use those syllables to say your own name.
It’ll come one day. In the meantime, let’s learn to dance together, okay?
#personally...#I mean I am disabled and I am not conventionally attractive#I have PTSD now from the kind of childhood abuse that makes you feel... broken I guess#so I have spent an awful lot of my life finding it difficult to imagine truly being loved#when there are so many 'easier' choices in this world it is hard to imagine someone picking me#so believe me when I say I know it's hard#but I also know that I closed myself off to love once I stopped being able to imagine people doing it#I lost the vocabulary for people loving me so when people did it I could no longer describe it#I didn't notice or worse - it stressed me out#but... I have started doing this visualization exercise and it does help#sometimes I have a spark of... well yes this person in this fantasy does deserve to be loved#and I am that person#so there's a spark of hope to it#hope can be good and hope can be bad but... I guess it's necessary too isn't it?#so let's do our best to make our brains stfu when they're being mean and instead focus on self-love
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2 weeks at uni and I’ve already reached peak procrastination. I found masking tape and somehow decided that the best use of my time was to make a tiny Belphemon-sleep.
#I actually can’t wait till student finance have processed my dsa#maybe next year or something I should look for an adhd diagnosis? if I’m having this much trouble focussing and a cup of coffee doesn’t work#anymore as a way for me to focus maybe I should see if meds would help?#(when I got my autism diagnosis i was also told its possible that I have adhd. I’d privately suspected adhd before I considered autism)#like. some days I can focus. it feels like I’m balancing on a knife-edge and it’s very stressful#and I can’t do it on command or anything#but sure#seeing one piece of fanart with Boy from tts#and my whole day goes down the drain because I can’t drag myself away from the series#and listening to video game soundtrack helps but then if I do that too much I start feeling lonely but I can’t listen to a podcast because#then I focus on that above the work I’m meant ti be doing#and even then I might look up other stuff about the video game I’m listening to#and the worst times are when I become self aware and that really breaks my focus but I know I’ve got to keep going#and then at the end of the day I feel awful because I’ve done about 1-2 hours actual work in 6 hours#time I could have spend doing other work or#heaven forbid#enjoying myself#that was more of a rant than I expected#I’m doing ok I think#I hope#i know I’m not meant to compare myself with others#but I’ve done more work than my flatmates#and that at least makes me feel a little better#I’m going to get myself a coffee now#hopefully that’ll help me today#my goal is at least 200 words#then I can stop#actually autistic#autism#personal rant
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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#that whole thing was so awful too#most of the comments were just of other men calling him a bitch or gay or whatever and all the guy had mentioned was that he was in the#hospital and not one of his friends came to see him or called him to ask if he was alright and we was debating on giving up the friendship#he had with them all together#other men: ‘are you a woman 🙄? you sound like a bitch rn-‘ ‘why do you care lol!?’ like Jesus#sm men only use the lgbt community and women to make their gotcha’s that don’t quite stick#at this point I don’t care too much#for men’s mental health they always hold each other back and are too afraid to change and seek help because they think it’s gay and care#too much about what other men might think and if it makes them less of a man for expressing their feelings and yada yada#like we have other things to focus on#rambling
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"TD-D9 hobbled back into the chamber carrying a tray that held plates covered by domed lids. The droid set the covered plates before the seated figures, then said, 'Are you finished with me, Master Sidious?' 'Most definitely,' Sidious said. Keeping his eyes on Maul, Sidious waved at the droid. TD-D9 lifted off the floor, flew across the chamber, and smashed into the wall." (Windham, 70).
And so Sidious looks directly into Maul's eyes as he kills his proto-mother.
I'd like to talk about the class + gender dynamics of this little scene.
Deenine is obviously a British aristocratic servant, if we use the domed lid as a reference. She has served as Sidious' butler throughout the text, with the expected stoicism of the role having morphed into actual faceless steel.
What is interesting here is that she naturally doubles as another role; a mother. She controls the domestic space of this fortress while Sidious goes abroad. She raises and tyrannises Maul, but they must both bow to the patriarch.
Like the stay-at-home-mum and the Victorian nanny, she is dismissed once the little bird flies the nest. All power she once held evaporates.
#The Wrath of Darth Maul#notes & quotes#chapter 6#I know this is a major trauma scene for Maul here#the severed parental bond#but I just wanted to focus on Deenine here in her last moments#and her own untold tragedy#it must be truly awful for your killer to be smug#anyway#sidious made sure that she had no further control over her boy#but somewhere in maul's psyche its there#he uses a spider form because when he was dying#spider legs is what made him feel safe.#and he kept her accent too.#maul's a mother's boy#the mother in question is just Deenine#Maul#Deenine#Sidious#an unholy family
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☁️🌷
#ugh im so anxious and like i think i have more pains bc of it#i overslept bc ever since i got a new phone my alarm is so quiet i never wake up?? this is the third time this happens for this class#but i cant miss more bc if i have more than three weeks absence they'll fail me :< so i hurried and walked to school#i wish i had a bus pass T-T since they introduced civilian clothed controllants i havent dared taking the bus at all i dont wanna get a fine#so yes anyway. on top of that im pretty sure my sister stole my keys. bc they were in my jacket pocket yesterday and today they werent there#and she left somewhere earlier this morning. so now im anxious abt not knowing where they are + will i get inside?? my mom wakes up late af#ummm what else???? idk im just so stressed. i got to class and have been here for 40min now and the teacher left for lunch#i'll leave now bc i cant focus enough to sit here more. my tooth aches too :((#i just wanna cry tbh#the entire way here i was like i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die#i feel so awful.. and stupd and worthless. why am i incapable of getting a job? or even studying at university? im so bad at everything#im like an anxious wreck who can barely function. everything hurts both physically and emotionally#i dont even wanna walk home im just sitting in my empty classroom bc i dont wanna kove#move*#what's wrong with me? how did i turn into this? i miss school. like i miss being able to actually do my work and talk to the teachers etc#im only a shell of what i used to be. and im scared i'll never be anything other than this :((((#well i gotta move ig bc the sooner i do the sooner i can get home and lie in my bed & cry over how useless i am :3
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I wish I was not an unintelligent manchild.
#Vent#I wish I had interests that were properly 'adult'#I wish I didn't like being surrounded by toys and trinkets and games and comics.#I wish my room looked like how you'd expect an adult's room to look#I wish my art was refined. I wish I worked in mediums that were considered respectable to the average person.#I wish I could read. I mean like I really wish I could focus and read a book above a high school reading level. And properly disect it.#I wish I dressed properly. Plainly.#I wish I could feel comfortable surrounded by muted colors.#I wish I didn't enjoy obnoxious music.#I wish I didn't cling to things that reminded me of my childhood.#I wish I could be just like a normal adult office worker who was able to socialize properly and went to the gym#And then would go home and cook myself dinner and read and then go to sleep.#And I would still be miserable. I'd still be undesirable. But at least I'd be normal. I'd probably hate myself less. I'd be more respectabl#Why didn't I ever grow up. Why. What's wrong with me.#Why did I get a weird job. Why do I want weird things. Why am I weird.#Maybe if I was normal I could make fun of adults who have weird interests and get rid of the awful fucking pit in my stomach#Maybe I'd be marginally less miserable because at least my life is put together and at least I'm normal.#And I wouldn't have to waste time and money and energy doing weird things like going to conventions#(I was going to add to that but I rarely leave the house as is)#Instead I would just talk at the water cooler and otherwise think insightfully and deeply. Be a proper philosopher or something.#And with a better more normal job I'd have the money to be a philanthropist too#And I wouldn't bother anyone#And I DEFINITELY wouldn't be FLAPPING MY FUCKING HANDS WHEN I GET EXCITED#OR SINGING UNDER MY BREATH RANDOMLY WITHOUT REALIZING IT#OR BITING MY NAILS OR TAPPING MY FINGERS OR LISTENING TO MUSIC SO LOUD I CAN FEEL IT IN MY CHEST#I WOULDNT BE BOUNCING MY FUCKING LEG#I WOULD BE *FUCKING NORMAL*.
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well. apparently I did something bad yesterday because I woke up with very very very bad pain in my shoulder/arm/upper back. I guess it's sore muscles but I don't know from what. 🙃
#didn't do anything unusual yesterday. mostly sat around. also drove 30 minutes but that was fine. painted a while. stuff like that#I just wish sore muscles (or whatever it is) didn't feel so absolutely fucking horrible#it feels like my arm is being ripped off. it feels like it's on fire. it's genuinely like an 8 or more on the pain scale#it's SO BAD.#and I remember that it did not used to feel like that. the first time it happened I was like 20.#that was... awful.#and since then it keeps happening#anyway idk I just feel like that isn't normal???#it's not something I've heard other (healthy) people describe?#like it's not. oh yeah I exercised too much and now my arm is sore. I remember what that felt like. no it's like being tortured#or maybe I am just a big baby. it's probably that.#I'm trying to distract myself by watching stuff but the pain is so bad that I can't focus on anything#I've taken painkillers. hopefully they'll work soon. it hurts so bad.#personal
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...
#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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People need to practice minding their own damn business
Don't come into people's inboxes giving unsolicited advice or criticizing their personal stuff. Don't reblog somebody's posts saying how much you hate it and their opinions.
Don't like somebody's characterisation, AUs or the kind of art they post? It might even annoy you?
Okay, cool. Go make your own post. Block them. Be a little hater about it to your friends. It's good for your soul!
But don't be goddamn rude to people. Don't make it their problem.
"I don't like what this artist likes mah mah mah"
Here's a wild idea;
Artists...don't need to cater to you. You are not entitles to their work. Nobody on the internet should coddle you and post only stuff you like.
Shocker, I know.
#thylacines can talk#Yes this is about PK#When you like an antagonist people expect you to be a negative nancy 24/7 and put a disclaimer everytime you make something with them about#how much they suck as a person#Guess what! Having to shittalk your fave all the time to not risk being 'that kind of fan'...isnt fun. It's miserable even!#Anmoying as fuck too! Yes I know he did this unforgivable thing. I'm not an idiot. That's why I like PK. Fucker's got nuance#Is he a bad person? Absolutely. Will I talk about him being a bad person and the horrible things he did? Also yes. When I want to. It's#very fun to explore that part of the story and how it influenced their victims. Will I give you a fucking essay on why he's a bad person#everytime I want to post something funny or lighthearted about him? No. Piss off.#I cannot only focus on angst and heart-wrenching part of the story. I also like to make stuff of the lighthearted parts of my AUs.#And I don't feel like writing down an entire disclaimer and breakdown of how PK's and WL's redemption arcs went to justify it#Having to constantly put disclaimers to justify you liking a morally grey and bad characters is EXHAUSTING. Only being able to talk about#this character with someone when it proteins to how awful they are is EXHAUSTING.#YES they're bad people. But going into peoples dms or inbox or tags and talking to them about how ugly and bad and evil their fave is#exhausting to deal with and NOT fun. Like I. KNOW. LIKE LET ME LIKE A DEEPLY FLAWED NUANCED FUCKED UP CHARACTER IN PEACE WITHOUT HAVING TO#ALWAYS PUT A DISCLAIMER OUT THERE ABOUT HOW AWFUL THEY ARE. GOOD GOD.#It's especially annoying because I like characterisation of PK that is very morally grey. To me purely evil and not compassionate PK is#fun...in a short run. I much prefer a man whos riddled with guilt over what he did even if he believed it to be necessary evil and who dies#Because of his regret. I love the idea of a father who sacrificed his own children so that no parent had to lose their own. And the tragedy#of him deeply loving PV and still doing what he did. A good person who was faced with an impossible choice and committed unspeakable#cruelty for what he believed to be the greater good. A man who doesnt believe he's deserving of redemption not forgiveness and who doomed#himself. I like a nuanced morally grey PK with LAYERS. Treating him as a purely evil uncaring person who never loved his children sucks ALL#the fun out of him for me. And don't get me wrong I LOVE villains who are evil for evil's sake. I LOVE old school Disney villains who are#scumbags just because they can be and have a little bit a swag to it. But PK just. Isn't that kind of villain to me.#I don't even like calling him a villain. An antagonist? Maybe. A morally grey character that kicked off the entire story with his one act#of unspeakable cruelty? Yup. But I don't see him as the villain of HK.#Wow that was a long rant#Well I got that out of my system at least#I love the Pale King and I could talk for HOURS about why I love him as a character and about his actions. It's just tiring when I have to#do it to justify myself and my lighthearted content of him.
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catching myself feeling sad that i didnt transition earlier is lowkey funny because its like damn.... if only my parents had taught me about trans people...... surely my family would have helped me transition in high school instead of neglecting and abusing me.... but alas........
#its a worthless train of thought#yeah i stress about transitioning at 23 and having spent most of my life being a nasty piece of shit and feeling awful and sorry for myself#but also realistically if i had figured it out sooner my family would have been even worse about it. it was already too late by high school#i am happy i was able to transition in the relative safety of independent adulthood. i am happy i was able to provide that for myself.#it was the best possible outcome. once i did it my life collapsed and i was able to really honestly focus on myself and what i wanted to be
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the aftermath of having 2 terabytes of storage
#i have never had a computer this nice lmao#i'm constantly so used to automatically assuming i Can't Do Most Things bc most of the time i'm barred from Everything#either by physical skill or money or age or location#so when i got a Nice Computer my brain was like STUFF I CAN DO?????????? STUFF I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!#and just. downloaded all the games i haven't been able to play bc my laptop sucks ass#the dopamine rush. lmao#i can actually play skyrim again for the first time since i was 17 😭#genuinely getting this computer has given me the exact same feeling as finally getting my wheelchair#just the fucking sheer joy of *oh my fucking god i have freedom now. i can actually DO STUFF*#seriously being able to use the wheelchair has made me so fucking happy i don't feel awful when going to the store i can actually THINK#bc i dont have brain fog from having to focus all of my energy on staying upright#and the computer is giving me the same feeling of freedom like. i can actually DO STUFF with my computer and not worry about it crashing#i can record video now!!!! I COULD START STREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i can actually learn to code because the coding programs will run!!!!!! i can start making datapacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!#can PLAY THE GAMES I'VE BOUGHT OVER THE YEARS FINALLY#FUCKING THANK YOU STEAM FOR LETTING ME KEEP THESE GAMES UNTIL I CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEM#INSTEAD OF BEING A SHITASS STREAMING SERVICE THAT TAKES AWAY YOUR PRODUCT *AND* MONEY WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT#like i bought assassins creed odyssey the year it came out and i've never even been able to OPEN it on any of my old computers#i bought Jusant recently because it looks very pretty but the game wouldn't let me download it on my laptop bc the graphics card was shit#i have a bunch of games that I've just hoarded on my steam account for years and now i can finally play them#i can get back to subnautica too!!!! and finally finish out we happy few!!!#anyway im gonna go continue to be insane about this machine i love computers theyre so fun
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Yay !! Im gonna talk about it with my friend today !! I think this is gonna help me not go completely insane !! I love love <3
#yeah i still feel super shitty#and its gotten like progressively worse too ?#i cant eat normally. i just chew ?#and im scared to go to sleep bc that means i have to lay in the silence#so i havent been sleeping well ? (at least that means no nightmares lol)#and the shivering and head jerks havent stopped either#ive been trying to pack and do all the practical stuff im supposed to#but i end up having to stop bc? idk? i either start breathing weird or zoning out#look im not an idiot. if this was an objective psych case file id have no problem coming up with a solid idea of whats wrong#unfortunately tho im a real person and i cant exactly be objective about myselt#i also cant focus for long enough to actually properly THINK about it ya know?#but honestly this is so dramatic for no reason lmao sorry for the melodrama#i just feel so awful i need to complain a little 🙏#but talking to a friend will for sure help ! 🙏💗💗💗#yay friendship !
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It's midnight so I can post now! Happy birthday to the whole reason I started drawing again, I'll dig through some more pictures from my sketchbook to share at a more reasonable hour, but for now I present (nearly) every digital Marik I've drawn! Happy birthday my blorbo💜💜
#he is my everything#love him so much i could throw up#i feel awful that i've not had the spoons to do him a proper birthday picture#i hope this can be a good enough tribute#he has been my inspiration to draw and improve#my reason to breathe when i'm drowning#something to focus on through panic attacks#i'm so pathetic lmao#i just care him a lot#i will keep keeping drawing him#there is 32 mariks there i believe i think that's pretty good given that i only started drawing like 4 months ago?#i can see my improvement too#not much yamima rep there sorry mima#i thought i had more tbh but maybe it's saved in the wrong place on my laptop#ygo#marik#marik ishtar#malik ishtar#yami marik#yami malik#yugioh#happy birthday marik
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