#i feel so drained and awful all the time
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guys I cant
#apparently im dating Ethan#but he fucking confessed to me on call so i would’ve felt awkward if i said no#and the thing is i do like him#like i rlly do but he never texts me#hes sweet yk but when i text him half of the time he just ignores it#and when we’re on call he doesn’t even talk half of the time#he claims i make him happy but like words and actions don’t line up#and im really trying bro#i want to try but its already happened with Luis and Aiden and i cant anymore#they took fucking everything from me#i was genuinely like depressed after luis and aiden#but aiden is such a great person so i don’t understand why he just gave up#me and aiden were literally soulmates and it’s not even in a romantic way atp#we bonded so well together we never had an awkward stage or nothing#the first time i met him we were on call for an hr and it would’ve been longer if i didn’t have to go#i feel so drained and awful all the time#i dont understand#and life isn’t even bad i just can’t do this#and i have no reason why#everythings overwhelming and stresses me out#school makes me cry#i don’t feel comfortable when im home#i wanna go back to wv#guys i miss my grandpa#i haven’t seen him in over a year because my aunt ‘cant handle’ going back to West Virginia#I get why but she don’t even have to go#she said she would send me and my sister on a plane by ourselves but then she just switched up and said no#everything is so exhausting#i can’t anymore
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hey guys anyone got any tips about ur close aroace friend who happens to be 3k miles away so very rarely is seen irl but when together irl you’re very close to and cuddle with and you feel so safe and comfy around them but then they text you about random guys they’re looking at on hinge and in that moment you literally wanna scream and rage and suddenly cannot stand any men because of this friend only just Looking at them on hinge and potentially hooking up with them
i am also aroace i am simply seeking answers i’ve been like this for almost a year i want a break but i simply show no signs of improvement .
#like we used to talk about our future together and how we’d flatshsre and live together#even talked about a civil partnership like#serious serious shit#and then they hooked up with a guy One time#and now it just feels like it’s all gone down the drain!#and is that because i started acting weird bc i was??? jealous??? sad????#but it feels hard to still be friends with them and i feel awful about that#but clearly to them sex is important and to me it is something i do not want!!!#so a relationship with me would not include it#and i Want a relationship i just#don’t think they do!#so i’m just in constant brain rot like#wtf do i do because i haven’t felt better about this the whole time#i. i am doubting tumblr to give me answers#it’s actually a long story and it is just.#it would take a lot more than this to have a proper answer#aroace#aromantic#asexual#aro#ace#actually aroace#lgbtq#aspec#asexuality#aromanticism
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I was in a major car accident yesterday (got t-boned) and was very luckily a) alone in the car, as the passenger side got walloped and b) not injured. However I took care of everything and then went home and proceeded to sleep for 19 out of the following 24 hours.
#I could feel all my muscles and all of them were in pain. every ounce of my energy was sapped#I needed to eat but the thought of eating made me want to puke#I had to be driven home and I was sat in the front seat like 😵💫🫥😱 why aren't you BRAKING you need to BRAKE every two seconds#After my 24 hour reset I am now up to eating a meal. I still hurt but only the top quarter of my body instead of all of it.#I can stand the thought of being driven now but idk how long it'll be before I'm OK with driving again 🙁#I have been thinking about it like. all the time which sucks. Unfortunately my tolerance for processing negative experiences is -1000#If something bad happens to me I want to just fix the situation and move on from it immediately#and that just doesn't happen in reality. But now I'm stuck sitting with this awful experience for who knows how long :(#I'm lucky our insurance is so good it'll cover everything (but deductible obvs) and I imagine the car is fixable#All in all I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I'm so grateful to be healthy and home with my husband and cat#But also I've had my license for 8 years and never had an accident. I've been through so much this year. This car is 1.5 months old#It just feels so unnecessary and evil for this to happen now and I feel so guilty that apparently I'm at fault#and caused this huge financial and energetic drain for my lil family when we've already dealt with fuckin everything else the past 6 months#The ''why me why today why when I'm a responsible driver'' is real and my whole shit is rocked. I'm still shaken up#I've had a few times recently where shit felt... unreal? Like I should be able to reload my save because that couldn't have just happened#And this was so vividly that way#I'm strong but like. The Cursed™️ vibe is very present#May have to do a curse break and many protection spells soon#cause this is getting ridiculous#personal
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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#it's quite a while that i do a really long rant here#but i really need to get all the shit out from my mind and clear everything inside my brain#and yeah it's actually related with yesterday's race actually#i mean we all always saying that never let sports ruin or dictate our own emotions and other phrases that related with this#but in a serious matter it really really exhausted my mind and honestly yesterday is the peak of it#and the fact is before the race start i was feeling so happy that srg wins mpl malaysia for 2nd time#and i say to myself that whatever happens during the race i should be happy that my fav esports team wins another title this year#but yeah....the race happens and it all just chaos...i mean not that usual chaos but i feel it's even worse#especially after the race#like seriously i should have stay away from any social medias for a while today#because i know how awful the vibes and environment there (and here as well tbh)#but yeah 🥲🥲🥲#like i really expecting that f1 is the only sports out of other sports that i'm getting into with#that i really feel mentally drained and doesn't makes me feel any joy by enjoying it at some point#but yesterday...that's the peak of it#i'm just getting more and more tired of the whole thing happens in f1#and the real life 'job' (more like uni life) doesn't even help me brighten up my mood either#where during app development my group is having a really though situation to going back from the start#in which we had some conflicting on some of the solutions are as same as other one group#and forreal all my groupmates were just fed up thinking about how to came up with new ideas#so yeah it's just this past few hours are just mentally emotionally physically drained out#like i really need to take a break for a while but idk i'm sure#i'll starting to get more and more tasks and assignment for the next few days *sigh*#nahhhhhh i know it's really long rant but i just want to be in a good headspace rn
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sometimes i feel so intangible to other people even my best friends so whenever someone acknowledges something about me/says they've thought at length about me/etc i get so surprised
#txt#one of my besties yesterday made a comment abt how low energy ive been over the past couple months#and what i was like before this#and i was like Oh#this isnt forever#there really was a different feeling vibe before this all started happening#something tangible to ppl around me#right#ppl are perceiving me#but it felt nice to have it be acknowledged that ive been behaving the way that i have been Because of these awful external circumstances#bc i feel like ive been such a bad/lame/presenceless friend for a while now#i feel so drained#so im like..glad people dont think its forever and arent like. losing interest in me as a person#and are actually concerned for me even behind closed doors/when im not there#and are excited for me to start feeling better#im excited for it#i wanna feel normal again so baddd#but im slowly starting to make plans w ppl#its all rly overwhelming tho i have to find my calendar and start using it agaib#time flows so weirdly to me i keep worrying abt how long ive been like this#but really a few months isnt a lot in the grand scheme of things for me to be off ljke this#im not irreparable and my friendships are all waiting for me to be ready
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#we have a partner system#and like.#theyre cool#but we barely ever talk anymore#and we always have to innitiate the convo like 90% of the time#snd its so fucking draining#and im likr#what even is this relationship anymore#like we usually just say hi baxk and forth or i bring up doctkr#*doctor who#and try to get them to watch an episode and they say later snd rhen never do#i’ve definitely (bpd) split on them lol#and when i bring up how i feel like they hate me#they just say theyre like genuinely sorry#snd we can never say were not doing well cause they dont resp well. at all#‘im doing awful’ sorry or hope u feel better#like. u dont have to listen to me vent all the time#but ur supposed to actually be there for me#and like do i want to stay with them or am i just lonely?#vent#theta chats
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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove
#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy#(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly#for an hour#always felt like such s draining burden#and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself#as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day#i did sports i went hiking in forests#but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things#because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence#despite being something that i actively enjoyed#and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely#like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back#around to shame or guilt just about always#anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person#ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days#and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge#to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen#even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen#but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note#crazy how complicated it can be to be a person#it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house#and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your#but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime#but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller
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I'm seriously hanging on by a thread right now I might just go drop dead 😭
#work has just been really overwhelming today I'm going to crack#I hate people#I almost broke down in front of the usher manager today because our radio died while we were falling behind becaus3#one of the theatres got out slightly late and set us back for like 45 minutes because everything was gettinf out one on top of the other#on complete opposite ends of the theater#amd it's not a small building guys#and I was already angry because there was a huge spill in a theater earlier I had to get a mop for and it was a pain in the ass#then we started falling behind and when we fall behind I get really stressed so I jad to ask the usher manager for help to catch up when we#were switching radios and even with his help we didn't catch back up until JUST NOW because we're on a 30 minute set break#and I've jusy been stressing and running around the theater and I want to go home and cry and drop dead#I'm so hot and tired and drained amd my legs have been sore for DAYS and this is NOT helping and I hate it here and I qant a real job#like I'm fucking 24 years old this shouldn't be the best I can do but trying to find anything else to get out of here has been IMPOSSIBLE#and I just feel so hopeless and helpless and trapped and miserable#I'm so angry and sad and tired and in pain and miserable all the time now#and it's awful and I hate it I don't wanna be that wah anymlre#I can't even type oh my god#I'm dying#abby's having a crisis
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is this thing still on......
#wow long time no see#popping on out of nostalgia 🥲#ive just started studying for my second medical licensing exam#and i was just reminiscing about studying for the first one last year#bc it was at the same time as you are home and as it was release and all the album stuff in general#and i seriously wouldn't have survived that period without harry and everything he was up to#it's so much isolation and weeks upon weeks of just studying from sunrise to sunset and it's mentally draining#so ofc im not excited to do that again 😆#and feeling stressed that i don't have anything to really look forward to day to day like i did the first time#so i was like aw i should see what people are up to#i still keep up with harry a little like he still comes up on my socials and i see his concert videos and stuff#still rooting for him and still love him to bits tbh but his fandom is unbearable#i gave it an honest try but i didn't even make it 3 years lmao it was hell#maybe it's better now! but better not to risk it lol#i'll find some other way to not off myself these next few weeks#i hope everyone is well!!!!!!
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hyper bc I had a latte and gay club music playing so I cleaned the kitchen and living room in a record time of 42 minutes
#i emptied the dishwasher+ filled it up w dirty dishes + cleaned all the counter tops + wiped down the kitchen table + sweeped the floors#and put away miscellaneous objects that were in the wrong places#now im going to fold my baba and mamas laundry bc i still have energy amd because i feel immensely guilty for the argument we had yesterday#i am literally such a bad person this is the least i can do#i feel like im 17 all over again#like i used to fight with them so much and then spend hours every weekend cleaning the whole house to prove#that i wasn't a bad daughter#the only difference is now im 20 and i get drained way faster so i only do the whole cleaning thing when we have a particularly nasty fight#i guess. that means we dont fight as often . a good thing#but idk i feel so gross and immature and awful my parents r in their 50s i have to get a grip#like yes im allowed to be upset when they say annoying things to me constantly but i shouldnt be so reactionary#like time and place bro -> me to myself#i get so excessively upset 😭 like something worthy of a few tense words ends up being a crying and screaming affair when im irritable#and yes we made up but i feel like i should've never been born i hope the clean house makes me seem like less of a mistake haha. i want to#die about it#z.post
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it is actually unreal how much i hate going to my parents’ home
#rant in tags#every fucking time it’s horrible at the beginning and then looks like it might be okay and then one or both of my parents corners me#and start being so fucking awful#going makes me feel paranoid and crazy and i am so fucking tired of it all#well. that’s probably just the constant gaslighting and manipulation actually#it’s not even that i get my hopes up or anything anymore#i just try to be slippery enough that they can’t sink their claws in while i hang out with my sisters#but in other news ! i’m living in constant sin by essence of my existence and also an idiot and a heretic#if anyone was wondering#literally the only thing i have to show for this visit is my new fucking bloody knuckles and memory of my sisters’ smiles#i am so drained and it’s not even 8 am. however have been dealing with this since eleven o’clock last night#my head hurts my hands hurt my body hurts#i just want to die#personal /#dont rb#delete later
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feelings are so complex
#its funny in a way yk#because like on one end of the spectrum theres this person that was supposed to be my best frien#but she ended up manipulating me and doing some really shitty things and will be all nice to my face but talk shit behind my back#and honestly she can be a terrible horrible person and has hurt another close friend of mine really badly#and i want to hate her so badly#and i think part of me does hate her because being around her now just drains me of my energy and i suck at being fake about people#but at the same time i loved her at one point bc she was my best friend and i cant just let that go??#and she's going through a lot so i just feel sad for her#so like i cant hate her if im sympathetic and its just weird idk man#i want to hate her but i cant#like i feel awful ab the shit she's going thru but that doesnt excuse the crappy human being she's being but i feel like a bad person#holding her accountable for that bc of how much she's going thru and like why why WHY is it like this why is it not in black n white#then on the other end of the spectrum there are feelings that like im kind of terrified off but like#i underestimated just how easily those type of feelings can blossom#is this me talking about the L word? yes. 🧍🏻♀️#i thought that falling in love per se would be like. way more work way more time etc etc#but apparently not? its oddly simply? but at the same time admitting it is like oh okay what#and therefore its like u gotta take time to figure yourself and it out and then like#like you dont really realize it until you're standing in the midst of it#man i dont even know what this post is lmfao 😭 i quite frankly dont even know what im saying right now i am just putting my thoughts out#into the abyss because i gotta put it somewhere#goodbye and goodnight now#brooke rambles
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#vent#i hate that I can’t get over this shit#yes I know most people don’t have lasting relationships when they’re young#yes i know there are other people#but like time and time and time and time and time again I’ve had people leave and i’m#sick of being in this cycle#where I’m happy and then it all falls apart#usually because i ruined it by being too much#just the fact that it seems like I’m so inherently unloveable on top of everything else in my awful life#i’m just tired. I just want Something#‘’you can’t win them all’’ well i wish I could win just once#i think there’s something genuinely deeply wrong with me.#like maybe I’m just a failed attempt at a human being#i think at this point i’m not even human.#i think i’m just. a thing.#vermin. or lower than vermin#again and again I go ‘’i’ll get better this time’’ and then I end up falling into the same patterns and spirals#and I feel like such a disappointment to my friends and I’m terrified if i Don’t get better it’s just going to push everyone away#and i’ll be left alone again becsuse its just a constant fucking cycle of people leaving !!!!!#i know peoples patience run thin. i know hearing me vent all the time is draining. i’m fully well aware of just how shitty it csn be#having someone around who’s always just so miserable#and i’m scared i’m on a time limit and I have no clue when it runs out or how much time i have left#this was about one thing but it ended up spiralingninto other shit sory#its so fuckingnhard to get better especially when i’m still with my excuses of parents#i’m scared
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god i feel so fundamentally alone
#.txt#exam week ‼️ time for my disorganised attachment to hit me like a truck#realising ive never felt loved and my parents dont extend care or compassion or anything ‼️‼️#crying for an hour in the car yesterday and all i got this morning was my mum demanding i apologise 😁#for getting mad that she left her autistic kid alone in public having a meltdown and demanding he sort himself out 😁😁😁#im so fucking mad! im so hopeless. i feel awful and scared and guilty and uf#ugly...#why now. i want to die#im so close. half a year. not even that.#but i want to die im so tempted to give up. it doesnt feel worth it#how the shit do you live when your primary caregiver just doesnt love you and never has#how do you love yourself when youve never shown its possible to love you#im so fucking. im really bad#im sorry it was sudden onset#ive been really tired and drained and whatever. and this weekend has plunged me into suicidality i really wont lie#i need to die Now. i need to die tomorrow. i wont make it
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