#i feel sick thinking abt it
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im included in the nat exam for my province and im rlly scared :((
#idk#i feel sick thinking abt it#i dont wanna fail#and i have to take another exam to like enter a college#i really dont wanna fuck it up#i feel like#i might not be smart#and im worried i won't be smart enough for it#i dont want to disappoint anyone
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Suspirium - Thom York
#this is my very favorite song and i think ive been wanting to make this for abt a year#when i was at my most compulsivly unwell i would be focusing so hard and sleeping so little that i would feel physically sick#like the world was tilting around me and i would think: all is well as long as i keep spinning#bc i would stop moving and suddenly id be in pieces on the floor. but now i think my favorite lines are: when i arrive will u come and find#me? or in a croud be one of them? bc its such a profoundly lonely idea. i dont believe in a life after death. i think when ur gone ur gone#your brain stops and the thing that made you you is gone forever. but if i imagined an afterlife image getting off a train onto a crowded#platform and searching for my mom through all the chaos. when i arrive will u come and find me? would our connect extend past a lifetime?#or would u be in a crowed one of them? would i stand alone in a sea of people waiting for someone who was never coming?#its a very upsetting thought#im glad i waited to make this bc i feel the song more deeply after the death of my mom. it feels more sad and more ethereal.#there r like 2 different versions of the lyrics bc thom york is so fucking hard to understand#so i use the version i like better#original art
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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bro omfg
#bnha#bnha fanart#uraraka ochacho#toga himiko#mild blood#tw blood#tw injury#ummmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM#bruh idk! dont you think its kinda cute that i died right inside your arms#togachako#or something#sorry togachako has been making me TWEEAAKKK#i cant be normal abt them i feel sick
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im so sorry i get it now i really do, the gay angels have me shaking screaming crying at all hours of the day and night, they mean everything to me i am literally thinking about them all the time and what it would mean to love someone steadily and silently through eternity, what it would mean to love across the lines of a divine war of supposed good and evil, what it would mean to carve out a space for oneself and ones lover in no man’s land, in the grey and moral ambiguity when you were created to be black and white without blemish. god i love them so much i just
#update from the tags : posted this after watching s1 knowing the end of s2#and i was like hm hope im not too offbase#but imagine my surprise when they literally said ‘i love this space we carved for ourselves’#I WAS SICK#ineffable husbands#<< u dont get it. i used to see that and it meant nothing to me. now its like a knife inside me#good omens#aziracrow#crowley#aziraphale#ur girl watches good omens#experiencing full brain rot. like every song is about them somehow#im imaginging edits in my head bc i do nawt have time to make them for real#i just bought the book and i am about to devour it#lol another update#the drama in this post is so HDISJSISB but i was FEELING IT#i was GOING THROUGH IT…#and when i think abt them for too long i still am
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something about jackie planning her life in a way that always included shauna and not realizing how those plans made shauna feel so unseen by her. something about shauna planning to get away and then after jackie's death staying rooted in the place that reminds her of jackie and with the people who will forever tie her to jackie and seeing her everywhere
#makes me feel sick genuinely.#I CANT. FUCKING THINK ABOUT THIS. BUT ITS ALL IM THINKING ABOUT. FUCK#its smth abt shauna always gazing at jackie and feeling like jackie isnt seeing her. idk leave me alone theres so so many layers to this#this is the one im choosing to focus on at the moment#yellowjackets blogging
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A kindling of a swordless bloodshed,
The creaking of a voiceless door —
Another piece inspired by something @mincemeat-the-warforged said that absolutely altered my brain chemistry (the same 1 am conversation that sparked this in fact!)
#curse of strahd#rahadin#strahd von zarovich#sergei von zarovich#my art#curse of strahd spoilers#curse of åsane#every day i wake up and think about strahd and rahadins dynamic#they make me sick#Rahadin being loyal to the von zarovich family rather than *only* to strahd is a critical detail to me#like aze said#wtf do u do when someone kills the only remaining member of ur ‘adoptive’ family#ur stuck w him now. obviously. there’s nobody else to turn to and u still love him despite the atrocities#esp since you’ve done just as much against the people used to belong to. you cut yourself off and now he’s done the same#(through tears) do yall think Rahadin mourned Sergei or do u think he repressed and smothered all those feelings#ik we all laugh at the rahadin amber temple frog incident but despite its weirdness it still shows how much Rahadin *cares*#sorry sorry i have too many thoughts abt this old man#ugh. strangles him#anyway
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death did not come on solid ground
#succession#kendall roy#shiv roy#roman roy#logan roy#fanart#i have an 8am meeting tomorrow morning#but instead of sleeping i did this#just sth i have a lot of feelings abt#the instability the separation#the lack of safety the lack of exit#i don't think the roys ever have motion sickness#but maybe they will after this#my
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woke up. lizard on pillow. like i opened my eyes and he was beside me and staring at me. lil green-brown fella. tongue like :p. he was the length of my pinky finger. as soon as i reached for him he scuttled away out of reach and vanished behind my bed.
literally lived a g/t first meeting this morning so thats cool
#i have to go on a six hour drive today and id rather die tbh#im soooo sick rn. i dont wanna go. but id feel bad abt missing my cousins wedding#abyways ill b okay. lets discuss the lizard more#he was very cute and very small#i did think he was dead at first and almost yelled
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can i ask why ur getting the surgery? /gen curious /no hate
i am getting a bi(lateral)salp(ingectomy) bc i never want to be pregnant or be a parent!
Even if i do change my mind later about the parent thing (not super likely but things can change, sure) theres noooo shortage of single parents lmao
And even if I never End Up In The Circumstance(s) Where I COULD Become Pregnant in my life, I'd want the peace of mind anyway...
I've always felt disgusted that this is something my body is capable of. I want it to be MY body and not a site and vessel for potential tragedy in any direction. And I want it to be something permanent and not dependent on access to services/medicines or even laws!!! Dis is a gender affirming surgery for me honestly...
#anonymous#skunk mail#in the past ive always thot about how id obvs immediately get an abortion if anything happened#but along with living in texas idk#like. id obvs get it but just the thought of ever being pregnant in my life for even a little bit makes me feel sick.#idk what id do. what a betrayal by the shell im in that would be.#my mind wld be frayed forever. ive had nightmares abt it. i dont think i cld ever Enjoy Anything if i was always worried about BC failure.#pregnancy is so unnerving to me i dont even like seeing or being around pregnant animals especially when ppl start calling them Mommy or#Mama it just makes me extremely uncomfortable.#my life was destined to be tragedy as soon as I was born in this body‚ i might as well do one of the only things I can do to ease the horro#of it#ive literally had my day ruined by just remembering its something my body can do. it makes me so miserable#it feels so disgusting etc#without the surgery my life would continue to feel like its counting down to inevitable tragedy#whether it be by Scare or Assault#and why wld i continue to live my life like that if its always going to be unwanted!!!!! need permanent solution and not just a bandaid#its not like the opportunities come up often but honestly ive even been avoiding sex bc of this. id rather just not ever do it at all#than risk anything
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not a ship post. i think Anya and Curly's relationship is v tragic. Curly was never there for Anya yet she's the one who helped him when he was fried [lol]. enough to keep him alive. She was there to take care of him and [despite her discomfort] fed him meds when she could barely stomach it.
Imagine how much guilt Curly holds whenever Anya is next to him, helpless. Remembering how she looked when she told him she was pregnat. Even if it was only because she was hiding from Jimmy in the only room that could be locked and is accessible.
#mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#i feel SICK thinking abt this...#it's bc of all those fanarts of Anya crying next to Curly's bed
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click for better quality!
whaddaya think makes tracks like that? / needletail and violetpaw
#my art#do not copy trace or steal#needletail#violetshine#warriors#warrior cats#wc#waca#wc art#squints i think i have all of the tags#THIS TOOK feels like WAY SHORTER THAN THE OTHER ONES#but probably bc theres like. way less grass in this one and more snow and thats way easier to do#THE WAY I DID LIGHTING U CANT RLLY TELL I MADE VIOLET A CALICO </3 hell on earth#IM RLLY SATISFIED WITH HOW NICE THIS CAME OUT + HOW FAST I WAS ABLE TO DO IT#it was on/off all day bc i have felt just physically weird . not bad but not good but not sick#anyway wish me luck on my exam and my paper ^_^ more worried about my exam than anything#its mostly monomers im worried about x_x i can tell u the most out there biology fact but i cannot tell u shit abt carbohydrates#anyway i am going to bed goodnight yall <3 its only like 12:30 rn WHICH ISNT BAD TBH#would u guys believe me if i said i was a little nervous posting because i feel like i forget something every time#i always get the nerves before i post and then i post and its fine AHBDLFHGBD#OKOK goodnight for realsies#tag edit carbohydrates arent monomers theyre fucking polymers THIS ONLY ILLUSTRATES MY POINT FURTHER
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Sparkstember Day 18: Balls (Bullet Train)
Sometimes (oftentimes) it's true that all you need are Balls. I personally absolutely love Balls. I'm a big fan! Ekhem. Today I'm using the help of (I mean, copying most of the passages from it) my earlier Balls rant that I have written down after my first listen of it back in January. I really love this album and I don't want to completely skip over saying a couple words on it at least but I really don't think I have the headspace to write anything very good for it today. I'll still try though!
So yeah, Balls. It's a great album, fun and chill (in my sense of what I call and consider chill anyway), consistent, as Sparks albums tend to be, and as I suspected / hoped it does fit this specific vibe of driving around at night somewhere city-like and illuminated. Or being on a train deep at night and looking at the world zooming by (if you'd even see much of it on a train at night anyway.....). And I do think that it's not so dissimilar to Gratsax (I'd say now that it's definitely darker and moodier than its predecessor...). So it's interesting to think about how it's considered to be one of the "weak" ones (by music reviewers at least) while Gratsax is so beloved in comparision.
I will admit, I don't really know what the big problem with this album could be. As I said, it's fun, it has the melodies, it has the energy, it has the theatricality (I like seeing how more and more orchestral instruments such as strings are being incorporated into the music, in a way the jump into Lil' Beethoven two years later doesn't come of as THAT much of a shock because of this. The evolution of sound here is fascinating!) I really like the intense beats, just as much as the more laid-back and moodier pieces. And there's lots of gold to be found in the lyrics department as always.
One more thing I wanna say is that at some point I wondered if this music sounds older than it is. Maybe it does? But then I remembered that this was 2000 and honestly when I think about it, there just IS something about this album that fits so well with the Y2K image and vibe and all. Sparks 2000 and all that.
Favourite songs (and other highlights):
Balls: I mean. It's Balls.
Scheherazade: absolutely LOVE this one and I had the strangest impression of it sounding very familiar when I first heard it. Months later I found out that it was just briefly featured in TSB so I think that explains it (I will talk more about my TSB viewings on TSB day. EVERYTHING has to be explained in excruciating detail, lmao)
The Calm Before The Storm: bugsonas 4ever. Song itself is amazing too
How To Get Your Ass Kicked: how can a song about getting your ass kicked be so pleasant and relaxing, it always keeps cracking me up, how perfect that is actually
Bullet Train: I love it how introducing the topic of the song with a "It's the [topic of the song]" is a reoccurring theme on this album. Thank you Sparks for this ode to technology and art (these lyrics always have me giggling). And also it just goes hard as heck
It's Educational: a perfect fusion of / sequel to I Thought I Told You To Wait In The Car and Progress (it's mostly the vocal delivery that reminds me of the latter)
The Angels: such an odd one here but I still like it a lot, I apparently said that it sounds "surprisingly mainstream for Sparks but somehow in a positive way". It's very sweet and I absolutely love how Russell sings here, it's so different from what we're used to but that only makes it hit you even more in the feels, lol. And I actually prefer the alternative version of this song that's featured as a bonus track, and I do think that's in big part because you can hear Russell better on it (or that was my first impression of it at least and it kind of stuck)
#balls dayyyyyyy#how weird that i went with a different drawing idea than the bugsonas considering that i'm such a big fan of them#(maybe the bugsonas COULD appear later. still don't have an idea for the final day so hm. thinking about this)#but yeah i couldn't pass up the opportunity to draw russell in this era of glasses & haircut combination#and i love sparks' tour photos too much to not give them some sort of tribute at least once#and honestly! i think this is my favourite drawing so far. might even beat out noisy boys#it turned out better than the vision i had of it in my mind!!! that NEVER happens. yet it did this time#(yet also i'm adding this to the series of me making my life harder for myself that it needs to be#because i insisted that the text has to be handwritten for WHATEVER reason. looks good tho so that's a win)#but also man. lil beethoven day tomorrow#i feel so sick about all three of the upcoming albums still and it brings me close to having an existential crisis#to think about how it's been almost a year already since i first heard LB. that's just soooo wrongggggg#i've already been thinking pretty hard abt these albums over the past couple of days (just like every day before that too tbh)#truly nothing else like them in this world. tune in tomorrow to see the madness unfold!!!#sparkstember 2024#my art#goose monologues
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a million years late to this meme but hey. i missed them
full image cuz i put way too much effort into it. plus the original in case u dont know it
#rain code#yomiakou#yomi hellsmile#yakou furio#this is like... ooc squared cuz even in this au i dont imagine them like this but im doing it for the joke#mdarc#master detective archives: rain code#catfood art#raincode au#ive been feeling soooooo weird the past few days idk why and thinking abt it makes me sick to my stomach#i dont even wanna post anything anymore#uhhhm#itll pass
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Fucking ENOUGH “normal is actually the chosen one bc of the fucked up oak family” bullshit. Normal is actually the chosen one because normal chose to care
#Actually sick of it#Sorry I hate “normal is actually larks kid” theories and posts 1) you’re not the first person to say that 2) it’s bad and sucks#I just will be so angry if it’s canon it’s so dumb it adds nothing#I’m okay with the ambiguity I don’t want confirmation#Also I hate the idea that normal has to be the “chosen one” to save the world#It’s stupid and dumb who chose him#(I think there is some fandom bias of normal and this people are more inclined to make him the most “main character” by insisting he’s the#Chosen one but it’s soooooo much more interesting if he actually isn’t. You people hate complicated situations in stories)#N e ways I’m average and regular and have normal feeling abt this podcast#dndads#dungeons and daddies#sofie bikes is the realest chosen one “motherfucker I’m here” bring that energy to dndads
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what the hell is with (mainly white) americans turning extreme racism into a joke but like totally in a progressive way don't worry
#bro theres nothing funny abt what trump said. like actually nothing. thinking its ridiculous and turning it into a meme#just shows your extreme lack of knowledge abt how those types of things can lead to actual genocides#like. wdym youre a white person from ohio laughing at those aliens eating pets comments#i feel like im losing my Mind i think once im on a sick leave and don't constantly need distraction at work#i wont be on tumblr for a while sick of it here tbh
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