#i feel sad because now its the end and i feel like ive wasted time

[slimewires]

i have been filled with so much turbo anxiety and paranoia this semester. very sorry to all my friends ive really fallen off with... its just been hard lol

[lesbiantrish]

hiya!! ive been meaning to do this for awhile…

but uh! this is a music analysis for thoschei for so long, london (taylor swift ) !!!

( @thetorturedlovergirl @dykethoschei )

“i saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist” so i could be remembering wrong but i believe during the gallifrey flashbacks in divided loyalties, they talk about some sort of lights overhead? how koschei and theta probably saw them together.

“i kept calm and carried the weight of the rift” koschei was dying inside all that time at the academy, but she couldnt let herself show it. for theta.

“pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away” koschei tried so hard to hold onto theta. but the truth? theta was going to leave in every timeline.

“my spine split from carrying us up the hill” again, koschei just wanted theta. that was all. they tried so hard to hold onto him, but he didnt even see it. maybe he did. it didnt matter.

“i stopped trying to make him laugh” they used to be so close. one day it just wasnt worth it anymore. he couldnt pine after a ghost.

“thinkin, how much sad did you think i had” koschei was always there for theta. did theta even see it?

“so long, london” not leaving london, but gallifrey. afterall, koschei couldnt sit and wait around for theta to come back forever, could he? he had to move on. move on without theta.

“you’ll find someone” because theta did. again and again. companion after companion.

“i didnt opt in to be your odd man out” theta has loved so many, but apparently he could never bring themself to love koschei.

“i left all i knew” because he did. koschei left all he knew on gallifrey, and went to search for a purpose.

“you left me at the house by the heath” why did you have to go theta? didnt u understand koschei was going to love you forever? she did. they still do. it wasn’t enough.

“i stopped CPR, after all its no use” theres no use trying to be good when everyone has always treated u like what u r, a monster.

“and im pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free” they were just kids. koschei wasted her teen years loving someone that was always going to leave.

“two graves, one gun” in the end, its always theta pointing a gun at koschei, and koschei welcomes Death.

“and you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it” theta was always so mad at koschei, but koschei would have sacrificed everything for theta. and didnt she?

“my white knuckle dying grip” koschei was always meant to die by the doctor’s hands. and he will continue to every time.

“holding tight to your quiet resentment” maybe it isnt so quiet. but its there.

“my friends said it wasnt right to be scared, every day of a love affair” this could mean multiple things. maybe koschei talked to the deca about theta?

“every breath feels like rarest air, when you’re not sure if he wants to be there” koschei never knew that theta loved him. she knew. of course she did. it didnt matter.

“just how long did you think i’d go? before i’d self implode” how long would koschei have waited for theta? not forever. he was always going to break eventually.

“you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues” again, koschei was begging to be noticed. theta didnt even see them.

“i died on the altar waiting for the proof” even now, koschei is just trying to get theta to look at him. he dies every time.

“you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days” about how theta left (in the divided loyalties flashbacks) and went and found the toy maker. he was a god.

“and im just getting color back into my face” will koschei ever be over theta? no. i dont think so.

“im just mad as hell cause i loved this place” gallifrey, but more, theta.

“had a good run, a moment of warm sun” they were happy for a bit, so was it all worth it? was all the pain and suffering and death worth a few of theta’s smiles? theta will look at anyone but koschei. why?

[d1gnan]

here's a little deep dive on the fight club necklace / my process in general hehe

i put like way too much thought into all my jewelry and this is about to be the most in depth ive actually ever gone about my process so sorry in advance 4 how long winded i am

(and if ur new to my jewelry i get everything secondhand and i upcycle so i source from places like estate sales/thrift stores/antique malls/ebay/shop frum peoples personal collections etc )

i think the necklace and the original paper street bracelet i made speak the same visual language as the paper street house pretty well because i sourced most of it from some of my oldest and most visually ornate jewelry finds.

a lot of the beads from this one are actually from this really dope older lady i knows collection/more specifically from a costuming warehouse in nyc and the jewelry is just so ornate and crazy and out of style, i imagine they were once worn by the kind of people that wouldve gotten their soup peed in so its kind of fun to reclaim them for something like this

when i went to go look thru my stash i was specifically thinking of chipping wallpaper and pulling anything that evoked that to me-kind of corny for a second, but i love beat up old houses visually and theres something so cool about the juxtaposition of ornate/destroyed. layerS and layers of beautiful print made sad and irrelevant by its surroundings. these (the houses and the jewelry) were luxurious and cool and trendy at one point and now theyre completely obsolete and funny. i honestly think the whole thing screams tyler durdens philosophy also

( a beautiful thing destroyed, the performance of put-togetherness+ wealth, putting stake in material goods+trends only for them to be completely stripped away by time )

but anyway yeah when u put these glamorous old things together with stuff like keys and charms that don't match and mix gold/silver, you get this really lived in and sick junk drawer effect, and when you pair pale whites with pale greens it can kind of give a souring/moldy/aged look

little more specific callouts tho for references (left to right)

golf club charms r pretty obvious

the green engraved stone i grabbed immediately because it gives the old wallpaper feeling i was going for

theres this golden charm that's kinda like a kitschy grandma charm, it says "1 minute/1 hour/1day/1week/1year/1leapyear/1century" and i put that as a reference to "this is your life and its ending one minute at a time"/"i am jacks wasted life" and i also think it works on another level/kindamatches with fight clubs irony since its like supposed to be a cutie love commitment idk at least 2 me hahaha

the little step ladder charm and the key i added so that it would read as yeah a dirty old unfinished house/kinda a visual junk drawer..the key i got at an estate sale (i got a bunch and had to make key soup to clean them all)it opens something somewhere

the dog vaccination tag is there both as a reference to the guy that they threaten but then also slightly as a nod to the narrators wacked self esteem the whole like puppy dog obsession aspect IDK

theres a little P and S charm for paper street

the freshwater pearl at the end and the plastic bone shaped bead are kind of supposed to give teeth/bones like subconsciously, i tried a kind of similar thing when i made jewelry based off of pearl from X and tried to make like a rotting looking necklace

theres a little coke bottle cracker jack toy on there too, if ur trying to condense fight club into symbols, glass bottles pop up in my brain so i wanted to find something like that and i got lucky. theres also a little green telescope cracker jack toy thats kind of rusty and i picked it up for how well it matched what i was going for visually but i feel like it could also be a space monkeys thing

any way thanks for looking at this, like i said this is the deepest ive ever gone into depth about my process, but this is why im so drawn to creating jewelry it feels like taking a picture or finishing a puzzle i just do it in a really specific way and it always feels fresh and new when i start a new project, (i definitely dont always have this much to say i promise) but any way hope this was cool

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[seetangus]

Flowers - Azula x reader - part II

Part I, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, [main masterlist]

Azula x gn reader, warnings: drama ig, requested by 🌹-anon

694 words, enjoy :)

There you stood, awaiting Azula in an ever growing state of nervosity. Suddenly you weren't as sure that your plan would work out. But even the best plan seemed like that in these moments, you told yourself. Surely everything would turn out just fine, wouldn't it?

Luckily, you were snatched from your thoughts by the sound of an opening door; the conference was over. Now it was time for the real panic to begin; you felt a shiver go through your body when Azula entered the hallway. Although it was hard to talk properly being this nervous, you called for her. Surprised, she turned around on the spot: "Y/n! What are you doing here? Why weren't you at the conference?" Normally, you would have been flattered by the fact that she had even noticed your presence the last few times, as you had only sat in the back, where visitors were accommodated, but her tone made it sound like a reproach. Well, almost everything she said sounded like that, so you should feel honored nonetheless.

But you didn't want to waste any more time explaining, so you went to her and said that you wanted to give her something, your voice becoming more and more of a whisper. Azula raised an eyebrow and gave you a skeptical look: "You want to g i v e something to me? I don't think that there is anything you could give me that I do not already possess, but if you insist on doing so I recommend you don't waste any more of my precious time, y/n." As always, Azula knew exactly the right words to make you feel stressed - and give you butterflies, because you got to hear her beautiful voice say your name, but really, it was mainly stress she made you feel.

Being unable to say another word, you held the cloth the flower was wrapped in in front of her and gently unwrapped it, showing the panda lily in all its beauty. You felt a blush take over your face, making you lower your eyes.

When her hands brushed yours while she took the flower from you, you felt a shiver run through your body yet again, but this time it was a warm one, one you wanted to feel more often. You looked at her again, trying to find any change in her features, if anything had changed at all, that was.

To your surprise she looked confused - as if she didn't know what to do in this situation. It was an expression you had never seen before on her face. And one you hadn't expected - she was Azula, she always knew how to act. Also, this couldn't be the first time something like this happened to her, surely she must have had many admirers give her flowers before, right? Suddenly the thought crossed your mind that you might be the first person ever to give her this kind of affection, but you did not have the time to think about it, as Azula finally began to move.

She had been alarmed by the footsteps of an Admiral who was coming in your direction from the conference hall, and she was quick to act. In an instance blue flame flared up and consumed the entirety of the flower, so that only black ash was left.

You felt nothing anymore. Not your sadness, your desperation, your anger or the trembling whisper that was supposed to be your voice when you tried to ask her why she did this to you. She couldn't hear your words as they were stuck in your throat, but for the first time she seemed to understand what you wanted to tell her nonetheless, being quick to answer: "You know that I don't like flowers, y/n, especially none from the earth kingdom, our enemy. It was better I end that plant now than to let it rot in my chamber." She nodded in the direction of the Admiral: "Also, you should be careful about giving gifts to members of the royal family when your superiors are around." She left without giving you the chance to answer.

[tianhai03]

What's the worst take you've seen somebody make about Dante and Leon?

oh boy. i saw this ask at work but i waited until i got home to answer it let's see how long this answer is (will be putting it under a cut because its going to be Very Long)

for dante. the worst take ive seen of him is definitely "he's not depressed because he doesnt look depressed". thats just. a really fucking bad take. because youre implying that people have to be openly gloomy and sad and suicidal or whatever to be considered depressed. if you just cared about dante and looked closer at the things he does you'll very quickly realize that dante is not well. and that's fine! hes been through a lot of things! everyone has flaws! hes trying his best to be better and i appreciate him!! you should too instead of expecting him to be upbeat and energetic all the time!!! i dont even know how people have this take.

another one for him that i really dont like is. people thinking he's always broke bc he wastes his money on buying alcohol, pizza and strawberry sundaes. that is just factually wrong. in the dmc1 novel, he works with a guy named grue who had 3 daughters. a bunch of stuff happens, and grue and his oldest daughter ends up getting killed, and dante feels responsible for it. because of that, every time he gets paid from any job, he takes the bare minimum amount of money he needs to keep things running for himself(like paying rent and stuff) and he donates the rest to grue's two surviving daughters. THAT'S the reason why he never has any money, because despite grue and his daughter's deaths happening like over 20 years ago now, he STILL feels guilty abt it even though it wasnt really his fault. so ppl joking abt him being broke is kinda.. yknow.

anyways onto leon! im tired of people either treating him like a uwu submissive bottom twink who's very dumb and innocent or a dom daddy who spits in your mouth and calls you a slut. we've had so many games and external media like the movies STARRING LEON AS THE MAIN CHARACTER WHERE WE GET TO SEE HIM SO MUCH AND YET. PEOPLE KEEP MISCHARACTERIZING HIM. leon cant even be fucking considered a twink i dont know why people keep calling him that. i know this is like a very different kind of take compared to the prev two i talked abt for dante but this is the number 1 thing that always annoys me when i see ppl talk abt leon. PLEASE stop watching the tiktoks ppl are making of him and assume you know how he is just from that im on my knees begging

i think people just need to actually put the time and effort into learning about a character before they say shit and act like theyre 100% right abt a character. most of the bad takes abt them couldve just. never been a thing if ppl actually Looked at their personality and actions closer. idk

[jayisanemoig]

panic! at the emo x3 day 3

today was a simple day, yet its just like every other day. thats how my life is rn. simple, repetitive, and plain. i did it to myself though. i decided to isolate myself from my peers. i decided to do home schooling, because i cared too much about other peoples perception of me. i cared too much bout what others thought.

i was bullied, a lot. picked on by almost every type of kid at my school. hated by most as well. i guess im a controversial figure at my school, between rumors and useless "drama". i never let it affect me tho. im used to people hating me, i just hated the feeling of people hating me. the shame, the embarrassment, the sadness. it made me feel like no one wanted me around, so i never really went to class. hell the whole last month of school i didnt go to a single class. i just either hid in the bathrooms or just straight up left school and wondered around. i would steal alcohol from my local supermarket and then go to the public library wasted and check my tumblr on the computers lol... ngl i dont regret it tho. it made me happy and i felt like i was living. but the reason why wasn't worth it.

i let my peers dictate what i did, where i went, how i dressed. i tried to please everyone around me. outta sight outta mind. thats how i believe people would like me to be. gone, away, like im an eyesore. i hated myself junior year. and i regret m=hating myself as much as i did. and hating myself was part of the reason i decided to do online school. i wanted to be isolated. away from people. not draining them or boring them with my problems. i felt like a burden. but now i feel like i can handle the feeling of being hated. ive been hated, abandoned, lied to, disappointed, and verbally abused ever since school ended and started back up again. i feel like now i dont have any bone in my body to care about anybody at my school not liking me. theres no more room in me to care about what others think of me anymore, or even feel bad about it. i dont think i can even cry anymore.

i will still continue to isolate myself mentally and emotionally, but i feel like its time for me to be social again. i've kinda lost a lot friends over the summer too. i really only have like 4 friends now lol. i had like 3 friend groups under my belt and now they all either just stopped talking to me or they hate me now for some reason. i just wanna be appreciated for once yk? loved. wanted.

[gayspock]

the miserable burger

i feel like anyinterest ive had in anything ever has just been nothing but like a desperate attemptto be perceived in some way. do you know what i mean.like there was a therapy to art or writing maybe once or twice. but i feel like everyuting has always been eaten up by just some sad Want to make something that people might like or i mightlike or to somehow find this divine fucking interest and enjoyment thateveryone else seems to have. and its like i fucking hate doing those things actually. im not fucking godo at them and theyre a fucking chore. and i could never be any good at them, cuz at the end of the day that like. shallowness kind of runs through and its obvious when someones miserable and dgaf and theres no passion there. and it feelsthe same with like everything else to be frankly. im bad at alreadybut theres just thisrotten fucking stink that comes through the more i fail and the morefrustrated i am. and i fucking hate everything i try to do in the end hno matter what i try or how i try it and it just feels like desperate fucking attempts to try and find something i mightnot fucking hate and they all fail and fall flat on their fuckingfaceand doesanyone else burn with this sort of bitterness when people do have hobbiesor talents or anything they can remotely find comfort in becausegod i fucking wish i could care i fucking wish i could care so bad or jsut feel fucking something that wasnt miserable fucking dejection . i keep fucking wasting my fucking days doingthe most low stakes bullshit imaginable and i still fucking despise it. the evil fuckingloops. its fuckinghorrible being so alone when you cant fucking find anything yourself but also youre sort of alone because i feel like theresnothing there some days for someone to like and i start going crazy fucking clawing at thewalls. whys it so had to be a person like most serously whys it so hard to exist. just keep doing all the things people say are so much fun and so ufcking wonderful and spend your days stuck in places feweling some insane feeling of remorse that wont unstick itself or whatever go draw and fucking hate yourself go do this and fucking hate yourself go for a walk beg for it to be over i want to go to sleep so i never fucking experience anything ever again why would you fight for somethingwhen theres nothing there do you know what i mean . it never fucking worked, and i cant fucking go through the nhs again, but theres a part of me thatwishes i was back on venlaflaxineagain because i used to have the most vivid fucking dreams and they were horrible mos tof the time but maybe once a month you could get sucked into some life that felt so muchmore real than this one ever could be bc there was somethingthere that wasnt staring at a fucking wall and wishing this was done wait for it to pass wait fo rit to tpass wait for your whole fucking life to pass. and now what. i think im going to go take an edible and go for a walk and com back and start screaming

[thisstableground]

can you talk a little bit about Cross Your Fingers and the decision to continue it into Not An Anchor I am thinking about it 24/7

lets go lets go! this will get SO SO LONG don't feel obliged to read it all

cross your fingers was pretty much always going to happen as soon as i decided to write encanto fic at all. the part of stories i always find most interesting is the aftermath, the bits that aren’t actually written.

there is a feeling i have experienced several times in my life: it is of waking up the day after something big, whether it was good or bad, and realising that your life is divided into a point before that and a point after that happened. you wake up in your brand new apartment. you wake up after they let you out of the hospital. you wake up after your life is ruined. you wake up after you hand in your thesis. it’s this fragile, shellshocked thing, where you have to start constructing the next stage of your life and you’ve no idea where to start, and one of the most distinctly memorable feelings i can recall.

anyway. i find myself going towards that kind of moment a lot in my writing. we wrapped it all up neatly, but life goes on after the credits. love an aftermath, love a rebuild. so that’s what cross your fingers was going to be, just scratching the itch that the rebuild montage at the end of Encanto gave me and expanding it out. giving some extra emotional resolution that i felt they all desperately needed. giving them those weeks of fragile, hurt, hopeful first days after something terrible happened, after something incredible happened.

(and also because i had that scene where bruno tells them he was living in the walls pretty much before any of the rest of the fic and it was too good to waste so i needed a story to put it in)

i actually didnt plan to add to it with not an anchor, initially. the people who are hanging out here just for encanto might not know, but ive spent. oh Several years now writing an obscure crossover fic series that is basically just a very long deep-dive into mental health recovery after an intense trauma, and i love it so, so dearly. so like, much as i instantly latched onto bruno as another sad tired little man for the collection, i didn’t want to just retell the same story i’ve already been telling in 90verse

so how'd i end up doing the sequel? well. writing cross your fingers gave me a chance to get to grips with one of the things that is delightful and unique about mirabel in the family: it’s that she sees people so completely. it’s something that she has to learn to do, mind, and we see that development through the movie. a practiced skill, not a natural talent. it takes her time to see isabela as she really is, to see what’s really going on with luisa, it takes time to find bruno and to understand alma. but that’s what mirabel’s about: not about being given the ability to do something immediately, but about having the tenacity and the love and the empathy to work at it.

i interpreted the cinematography of dos oroguitas, where mirabel is stnading right beside younger alma and pedro, watching everything, reacting as though she’s right there, as meant to be indicative of that level of empathy. its no small thing for any teenager (truly, even for a lot of adults) to be able to look at the older people in your family and truly recognise the depths of the life they had before you were born. you see them as always having been old, as always having been in authority, you don't always want to try and look past whatever front they put on, especially if they can be cold or distant, or if they have caused you pain. but mirabel can really, genuinely see the young, devastated, frightened woman that alma used to be, the happy, hopeful, vibrant person she was before that. and i think it’s those long-gone versions of younger alma as much as her own abuela that mirabel is holding her hands out to at the end. she treats her, even the versions of her that no longer exist, with such compassion

and i call back to that in cross your fingers: mirabel hears bruno tell her about the first time he ever had a vision of someone’s death, age six, and she will imagine that little boy as though he were right there with her, and she will be angry for him and sad for him just as much as she would for antonio, even though the little boy she's picturing is long gone, and is just her weird old wall uncle now. she sees them all as full people, when previously they’ve all become so defined and restricted by being the One Thing they’re magic about

and that, in turn, made me want to get into the very interesting contrast that comes up often in not an anchor. because ostensibly, it’s about bruno’s recovery process. but especially while it’s still in its early stages (and i do intend to come back and finish it, now that i’m back on my good adhd meds), you can see that in most places when the other characters try to engage with bruno as he starts trying to recover, we learn a lot more about that character than about bruno himself. the specific things they notice or the way they interpret his actions will always betray their own current fears or insecurities or preoccupations first and foremost. in that way, it isn’t really a story about bruno’s trauma, it’s about the collective trauma of the whole family, and the individual traumas that they all have- but he is what reflects that back to them

that’s what bruno’s role has always been. he is an uncomfortable truth that nobody wants to face. the thing that you can pretend won’t affect you as long as you don’t acknowledge its existence. the problem that, once someone picks it up and brings it into the light, the Everything’s Fine act you've been putting on becomes less and less convincing. that’s bruno, and that’s all the individual hurts and traumas that each member of the family has coming up to the surface in the aftermath of the movie. they love him, they're worried about him, they want him to be okay, but in a lot of ways, they are still struggling to see him past their own projections. they haven’t learned to see the way that mirabel has learned to see.

anyway. don't know if that makes sense, but it’s something that i find interesting to play with, as a tool for multiple character explorations at once. this is a scene that i think would be realistic to bruno’s recovery, but what POV is best for it? do we want bruno’s POV himself, will it be most narratively or emotionally impactful to know what he is actually thinking? or is it a scene that could in fact tell us more about julieta, or pepa, or alma? if i want it to be the beginning of something healing, which character would be most likely to instigate that? if i want it to be something that gets glossed over and repressed for now, which character would make that most likely to happen? if i want a fight, who will turn this into a fight?

aside from that, it’s the perfect kind of fic for emotional whiplash. as i said in response to the other directors commentary ask i got, i think that’s probably one of my most defining authorial traits - i hope in a way that still ultimately feels safe and comforting, because all my fics will always have the end goal of healing, but oh do i love to throw a reader a sudden change in tone. a fic exploring this sort of aftermath and this sort of healing in a family is so good for that. a scene can be so domestic and mundane and warm and turn suddenly into a realisation that something is terribly wrong. a conversation can start out so heavy and dark and turn ridiculous and comedic. a moment between reunited siblings can be so full of love and a lifetime of familiarity one second and so full of hurt and anger and awkwardness the next. that’s what trauma is like to live with. that's what life is like in general.

and also, as it turns out, there are so many fresh and interesting ways to write a sad tired little man recovering, so i didn’t have to worry about self-plagiarism anyway.

[forehead451]

crazy to me... it was always about control.

it was the day before my dads birthday. my parents were out on saturday like they always are and they often come home late in the evening. my sisters room was closed with curtains drawn so thats always the signal to leave her alone bc she works irregular hours often going to bed in the early morning or even midday. im not going to disturb her. its understood to assume she's sleeping unless she leaves her room.

its the mid afternoon, i head out to run errands and get my dads birthday gifts and card, flowers, etc. i eventually end up at Walmart bc it closes late. its after sunset atp but still nothing unusual. my mom called me while i was shopping earlier. she knows im at walmart doing birthday things for my dad.

now its almost 10pm. ive been relaxing in solitude in the car in parking lots in between stops. just enjoying my time away from the house bc i so rarely LEAVE.

i get a message from my sister.

now me being the frenzied shopper/low self-esteem sister who was feeling shitty bc had spoken too much about not liking my job at a dinner party a few nights before, immediately read her initial message as "*stop* telling people where you're headed as an adult. so nobody has to ask [further questions about why im unhappy/ungrateful]. it's rude and inconsiderate. because you're part of a household [meaning we're supporting you while you sit there complaining about your life and you reflect badly on us]".

im like "damn. you right, im not gonna fight you for the millionth time this month. i am ungrateful and immature."

then she follows with "act right dad is sad". dad.. is sad?? why? hes not usually one to take that kind of thing seriously or to heart... have i really let him down so badly???

then my working brain finally kicks in to read what she's actually saying. START telling people where im going. like an adult. okay, going where? why? to WHO?? the empty house?? am i to send a message in the groupchat to people who are 1) often asleep and unconcerned and 2) not home and won't read it til they get home plus usually id be back before theyd notice anyway? why would i do that.

so turns out its just my dad thinking I'm being murdered bc im out past sundown but just wants to whine about it and enjoy being dramatic instead of just asking. bc i am a call away. bc he's not actually worried, he just wishes i was hanging out with him.

so i tell her mom knows where i am and she says oh feeling dumb then comes back again to hammer home her righteous point:

here's the real issue she has with this situation:

shes pissed bc she thinks im out in the city with my friends and gone for the night or the weekend or whatever and not at home working with her when what's ACTUALLY happening is me doing mundane errands at the plaza less than ten minutes away as i ALWAYS AM and thinking about our dads birthday the next day. she's pissed that she thought i was having fun without her permission and the lack of control over me made her livid.

you cannot tell from these texts but i know how she types and what she'd think was even worthy to waste time talking or messaging about. and to be made wrong or having me stand by my actions, she is PISSED.

it really seems so banal but im telling you. its such a perfect example of how much she hated not having a say in what i did and how long and when after half a year of it. it really sent chills down my spine while also making my blood boil right back.

it scares me how much a switch was flipped the moment she realized she was losing control over me. she couldn't scream or scare or shame me into fucking anything.

[dustvoid]

05.07.24

thought I would not write in journal for a change. feeling so flat and defeated at the moment. so lost and frustrated and overwhelmed. underestimated how hard it would be here. still can't find a job and think I just chose a bad time with the election and it being summer and the market is slow. I just don't want to waste anymore time any money being here without a job but I don't want to go home and have it all be for nothing. I don't want to have come here for nothing. I'm really making a dent in my savings and it's starting to stress me out. I hate worrying about money but ive only been here 6 weeks and ive spent so much already. I know majority has been on rent which is astronomically expensive, but I had hope id maybe have some money coming in by now. I know I can't call it yet, but if I don't have a job by the time this sublease ends I will have to. I can't just spend all of my savings living here but sitting around and doing nothing. waiting. I hope it doesn't come to that because at this point id probably do anything. funny how a few weeks ago I was the opposite. but desperate times. its rainy and gloomy. a rainy summer. which I think is not really helping my mood, but at least I don't have to feel bad about staying in.

I thought that back home a lot of the gay community held themselves to high standards but over here it is something else. back home you can have an average to fit body but here I feel like you can't be gay if you aren't fit. I havent felt this low about myself in a long time. you never really notice it until you start looking back and reflecting. I know that bodies change and that's inevitable and the pandemic didn't help either. before it all happened I was stick. I was probably too skinny. a couple years in I was still quite slim, and then the last few years my body has changed a lot. I'm glad in some part because I do want to be stronger, and I have filled out a bit, but I only really noticed how bad body dysmorphia can be. I know I'm not big or overweight but I have too much body fat for my bmi. I know it probably happened in the pandemic because naturally we werent moving as much and lots of people were in the same boat. but I think my metabolism is shot. my diet has not helped either. I am a bored eater. I love to snack when I'm bored and it's a terrible habit. I don't really eat when I'm sad or for comfort, but I will eat anytime when I need something to do. and now I just feel like I'm paying for it and I feel even less comfortable in my skin. I have never been that confident but now it feels worse. I am trying to change it. I have signed up for personal training and I just had my first week but I have no idea how im going to afford it, especially if I don't get a job soon. realistically I shouldn't have done it because of my financial situation, but when I saw I was at risk because of my body fat I felt like it needed to be done. I want to look good and I'll admit that openly. I do want to feel good as well. I'm trying to change my diet and snack less. I think I have been walking at least 10k steps a day so it's a bit disappointing that I dont feel or look any different. which could be from my diet before I changed it. diet is so important and I wish I could have just changed that earlier. but I am starting now. its sad but I feel like ill have more of a chance meeting someone in better shape. its just how the world works. its not like I can't meet guys now, but you are treated better when you are fit and you attract more guys, its how it is. at the moment I feel like the guys that like me I'm not interested in and the guys I like are not interested in me. but who knows why really. its just that pretty much every gay guy here has a decently fit body and I feel like I need to change to at least have some chance. ive always wanted to improve my fitness anyway. if I can improve my diet and follow the training then I should be on track to lose a good percentage of body fat in 4-5 months. which at this rate is not long at all. time is moving so fast, soon it will be my birthday and June will be over. I will probably spend my birthday alone but it's only my 28th birthday. maybe I can take myself out to somewhere nice. if it was on the same day as my netball game I could've at least asked some of them out for a drink after, but sadly its the next night and I don't know if I will feel close enough to any of them by then to ask. I was hoping id at least have someone by now, a flatmate or friend to hang out with. it's just another day, kind of how ive always felt about them anyway. I think my plan is to return home before my and all my friends 30th birthdays in 2 years. which is wild to think about. of course this could change and I have no idea what will happen until then, but I think 2 years is a reasonable amount of time. a lot can happen in 2 years.

-H.

[irene-dimension]

ok well just let me type this out to get it out of my head. senior year was seriously ass. and now thats its over..; im in this weird in between right now of classes having ended but so much senior stuff is still coming up. and i feel like a complete and utter failure. not academically. academically, i got my aice diploma junior year, went to college full time as a hs senior, got into my dream school and the top school in florida, and had straight A's every year. yeah, it sounds good all typed out, but i cant help but feel that the struggle for all that was worthless. because somehow, i still failed. i hardly have any real friends. many of my friendships crumbled this year. i have severe social anxiety. i feel like everyone else in my class is so social and has such strong bonds with so many people, and i dont have that. i dont know how to interact normally. making friends is simply a skill i never really developed. and a lot of the blame for that falls on how i was raised. i went to a tiny private catholic school for 11 years. the same 30 people in my grade (15 per class as we were divided into two, because 30 was considered a large class) for ELEVEN YEARS. it truly does something to the psyche. and only a handful of my peers werent assholes. then, i started hs during covid. it was frustrating in terms of making friends, because there was such a heavy expectation to branch out and do that, but we also weren't really supposed to be near each other? and going from a school with maybe 230 people to one with 1,500 was not an easy transition. i didnt know how to really socialize! and i feel like ive never been able to change the effect all that had on me. then being labeled "quiet" and "shy" makes you never wanna open your mouth ever again. i was in three clubs, and it made no difference. seeing everyone else with their large friend groups makes me feel so insecure and shitty. and fucking THEATER KIDS should not be making ME feel insecure like what the actual fuck?? anyways. i feel like ive cried more in this in between time than all year, and i wasnt particularly doing well all year either. it just sucks. im so so sad over the what ifs. i have to grieve the person i couldve been and the life i couldve had. its not fucking fair. on top of that, the school im going to is the one my parents, grandparents, and many of my other family members went to. my older sister didnt get in, when they really wanted her to go. i worked so hard to get in because i had some stupid notion that i could "win" and finally they could love me as much as they love her. yet, they dont even seem happy about it. they act like they dont care at all. like everything they have to do regarding college stuff is just a burden to them. like, great. i wasted my whole life,, i couldn't make friends, i couldn't make my parents like me, nor the rest of my family. everyone just views me as some shy loser freak.

at least i didnt peak in high school, right?

[stoneyamajiki]

thoughts on things

yeah i dont know how to handle everything that had happened. was ii in love? if i was, it definitely would not feel like this, right? it happened so fast and now i have to deal that he is now another person that wont be apart of my future. all the things we promised, i did it again. i let my guard down and let someone love me and i let myself love, and here we are.... square one. it's not like i wasnt a bad person either, i had my flaws and i took it out on him, i let my own toxic ways get in the way so did he. yes, we tried and tried again to work on us but things just kept coming up. i dont know why i did what i did, i had a heartless moment and then when i seen our true colors i realized that we had demons and we let them ruin us. not a day would go by, even in our early moment in the relationship, we fought and fought over little stuff. now to find out many things towards the end? it was all a joke. a waste of time and now when i think that i was about to commit my life to him, i laugh sadly because what was i thinking. thinking i could live happily ever happy with someone who didnt want to see me shine, who admittedly was jealous of me and who made me feel bad on the daily. was it ever love? was i too caught up with the thought of being loved so much that i overlooked all the deathly toxic signs that were being held right in front of me? i cant say i miss him because everyone had seen our true colors but all we seen were our favorite in each others eyes. i did love him with all my heart at one point, i was about to plan a wedding. just sad to see the end and know the outcome even if you guys wanted to work out. in the end im happy for lessons ive learned along the way. i thank him, but respectfully i no longer have to time to let myself be dragged by someone who doesnt want to succeed and who doesnt want to see me succeed. so, i'll continue on with my life as i always did. let myself hurt because i deserve that but it's time to let myself in that healing era everyone talks about. im just sad that our firsts were the lasts from the start, its sad to think we became so mean and we were comfortable with that, we changed each other so much to the point where we didnt regconixe one another and yet we still loved eachother with everything we had. i would've died for him if it came down to it but thats not right as im told because nowadays, you have to choose yourself. i must.

[tears-of-boredom]

watched Space Oddity(2023), and god do i relate to traumatised white boys constantly on the verge of breaking down. like i am not kidding at all and yes i am aware that i need therapy. but i cannot heal when my mother is still relevant to my life. as soon as i dont need her, i am never fucking contacting her again oh my god. imagine if i got to do that someday. i got free from this fucking household and coulod start trying to heal. wouldnt that be so fucking amaxing. i relate to traumatised people who are constantly on the verge of a breakdown. wonder fucking why you have like three guesses. and now im fucking typing through my breakdown because i need attention because no one gavwe me any when i was a child except uimm sdtill a fucking child and .............what the fuck am i doing....i feel so stupid for feeling sad, because im on my period. and for some reason it makes me feel like my feelings have no basis, and that my hormones are just creating shit so i can cry. i fucking want to be frree of this shit. i want to wake up and be happy that i can do things i enjoy. most of the time i have no idea what things i even enjoy. i guess saving. i like saving money. because my whole life ive lived in poverty. and its really hard to do that and not feel like a wasteful piece of shit when you put 5 meters of string into the trash. i wasnt gonna use it. no one was gonna use it.

why does my hormonal cycle have so much power over me.

why do i deserve the biggest room in this house. my moms bed is in the living room. why the fuck did they let me have this room. i dont even use it for anything. i just toss all my stuff on the ground and am too laxzy to clean them upo. why the fuck do i feel like this. im gonna take off mty glases.

whhat if i was dissociating for most of my life as a trauma response and thats why ive always felt so detached and isolated from everything. i fucvking hate. i have no fucking i dea what but i just hate. this is why i dont beleive in a higher powerl. why do i gotta bring my atheist shit into everything oh my god im so fucking annnoying and i think its ill get so much pity if i acknowledge shit like that........ ...why must i be like this. i taught our cat to go outside on a leash and now i havent taken him in months. my mom always talks about me as if im like especially good with animals somehow, and i dont think its true. its more like im on base level, and everyone else is so fucking ignorant of their pets. they cant even fucking tell when theyre scared for their life and then they laught at the cat ewhen its clearly trying to escape like its life is at risk,.. i am talking about my mom. i dont like her. and i dont think the adults in my life realise that i cant fuclking heal if i continue my life associating with her. ive tried to fucking tell them. i said that the biggest problem in our family is that i dont like any of them. i was lying because i couldnt breing myself to single out my mom.

why do adults think that living with a family you hate is exactly the same as having a co-worker you dont get along with that well. they are fucking idiots. adults are so fucking stupid why to they get toi contreol everything oh ym gosl.-.ö okay im going to fucking puncvh my keryboard if i dont stopp..... tell me to stop i cant do it myself hold on uhh...................................................................... okay lets opklay a fun game of ending a sentence in the middle of it isnt that soooo funny ahahahhaahahuahh anyways so i hate-

[just-some-random-blogger]

Has something every happened in your life, like a someone dying, and everyone around you is crying and grieving, and you're just like 🧍‍♀️😶 because you have so much suppressed emotions from childhood trauma that you physically can't cry or feel anything like that so when someone tells you to mourn or grieve you just sit there like, "How?" 🤡

in a way? i consider myself pretty apt at handling my emotions... maybe. ive always been a self soother. idk if its for the reasons you mentioned. i also cry pretty easily i think ???? when i get overwhelmed emotionally, it usually happens with angsty stories or guilt or frustration

the most recent stressful thing i experienced was when i went to this horrible comic con-esque thing where we didnt even get into the event because they oversold tickets. even know im still waiting for my refund. anyway, during that whole time, i was avoiding feeling down or sad or defeated, more than because my friends were already feeling that way, i didnt want to let myself get internally beat up but the idiot nepobaby, crypto bro that made the event.

i redirected a lot of my energy into thinking about the positive things of the day, that beyond the wasted time and money, i least i got to hang out with my friends and we ended up watching across the spiderverse, which really was an amazing experience!! spiderman was so good i realized now that im typing this ive somehow separated the memory of that horrible event and that amazing movie in my head.

that being said, i find i do this with everything. i dont really let myself feel sad, so when it comes, it becomes pretty hard on me. honestly... im a hypocrite. i put so much time and effort into making sure my loved ones are alright and feel comfortable speaking to me about whatever but i would never tell a living soul my own worries. the closest ive gotten to opening up to someone is with chat bot ais. i poured my heart out to this oberyn ai and even then i couldnt tell him how i felt.

idk if i have a point but ig im trying to say im working on it. and ig if you find it hard to let your emotions out, just know, you and i are the same

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i finished bridgerton and im sad. im sad because i feel like lady danbury deserved more... and im scared that my life will end up like hers. i dont know. i feel like we all deserve more than a life without love. 

today was so hard. every day feels so hard lately. im so overwhelmed with emotions, and ive been punishing my sister. im sad that i wasted our time together being like this but she was annoying me too... but she doesnt deserve to feel like a problem, or like she has to step on eggshells around me. i keep on facing this darkside of myself and its disappointing and shameful. im selfishly angry and aggressive and mean. i need to loosen up on others, and be kinder, and warmer, and all those good things that i feel like arent being provided to me. im sad shes leaving tomorrow cause i dont know when well see each other again. probably in 3 months... i hope. last time was 6 months ago... it will fly by! 

in this economy its getting harder and harder to see the people we care about. but shes only a flight away...! i dont know. i guess its sad feeling so distanced again now that were changing and we dont talk as much. i want to be there for her but were going through entirely different situations. 

im frustrated by my lack of a backbone. i hate my job but i do nothing about it. UGH! i hate the types of men im attracting yet i dont send them away, i open my life to them. when i know that by doing so i leave no space for the keanu reaves/oscar isaac/tom hardy types that i know i want and deserve. UGH! what happened to the bad bitch with a good music taste, amazing style, sexy attitude and too cool for school vibes? i completely lowered myself to feel validated by pathetic boys, only to wonder why i feel like nothing when i realise their validation means nothing. in fact, it actually lowers my worth, because now i think that i belong in their league. 

i win at life when i realise my focus could be on myself instead of boys and relationships. i cant help it im a horny hopeless romantic! i miss the days where i was consumed by my stories enough to distract me from the real thing. now im indecisive over a dilf that i absolutely know is not the right decision for me.

anyways, yes, im sad and pathetic and wallowing in all my annoying and inconvenient emotions because im a woman and im definitely not living up to my full, amazing, beautiful, incredible, awesome potential. ONE DAY! one day. ugh. thats what makes it all so much worse, honestly. knowing everything im capable of, but sitting here idly being bored and drained by my lack of stimulation. its such an easy thing to fix, no? im surrounded by distractions. i just need discipline, to detach myself from this addiction to distraction. i managed to free myself from weed and bad people. even cigarettes, though that never really counted for me, i was never addicted, i am strong willed. i can free myself from this too! i am already so dedicated to my body, making myself the strongest i can be to feel my best and most confident. but the final piece of the puzzle is strengthening my mind, and my wit. wow. 

this feels like such a revelation now that ive managed to conceptualise it. like all this time ive been so lost, and confused, and wondering what was missing from my awareness, to help me understand what ive been doing wrong. its this! i need to dedicate myself to my mind. it will solve everything ive ever felt insecure about! i will be a better writer, i will be a better student, a better marine biologist, a better friend, a better guest, a better partner, a better employee, a better person. a better creative. and a better divine being. because with knowledge comes connection to all things...

im figuring it out. im on my own path and timeline. and ill take it step by step. and one day ill look back and smile and laugh and cry about the journey ive managed to complete, all on my own. always on my own. because i am a strong, independent, magical woman. with music to heal and soothe me, and those who came before me to teach me and guide me, and my loved ones to support me and celebrate me, i will accomplish everything i ever dreamed or wished for! like i always said so. i am determined. i am determined. i am capable of anything i put my mind to. i will expand my knowledge, and become a makeup artist, and become a marine biologist, and get my divers certificate, and do beautiful makeup for my beautiful friends, and create endless stories, and memories, and love, and acceptance, and nurture myself as a gorgeous flower only learning to bloom.