dustvoid

[dustvoid]

22.09.25

time really is flying by. can't believe it is almost august. almost done with this shitty job. albeit I will be unemployed but at least I won't be taking calls. part of me wishes I could go back in time and decline but I guess it hasn't been that bad. I am definitely not doing it again. I really would rather die than take calls. I have done it for far too long now. it is wild that it is my birthday soon, and then I'm going to Croatia, and then I only have 5 weeks until I go back home. there's a lot of mixed feelings and it does feel bittersweet. I feel a sense of relief and excitement as well as uncertainty. I know I will have changed, I'm just not sure if anything else will have. I don't know if I will find it difficult to adjust or if I will just slot back in. I don't want to feel how I did before I left - isolated and alone, sad all the time. I know if I can do it here I can do it there, it might just take a bit more time and effort. I know there will be challenges, and part of me is sad because I did build somewhat of a life and circle here, but it does feel like the right time at this moment, at least for a breather and a chance to reset.

I also can't believe that I am 29 on Friday. it feels fucking scary to be at the end of my 20s. sometimes I still feel 19. it is unreal and it feels fucking scary getting old. I am proud of myself for making the move to London before my 30s. it is something I never really thought I would do, and honestly I think I gave it a good crack. I dealt with some shit and had to work average temp jobs, I moved around a lot and I guess I didn't fully experience a life here that was stable, but I do think I pushed through and didn't complain or give up even when I was close at times. I feel like this really shaped me in some ways. it pushed me out of my comfort zone and I had to put myself out there and make friends, and now I do have a good close group of friends that I'll be sad to leave but sure I will stay in touch with. I also think that these challenges helped me understand what I want out of my life and what I really want to achieve. I want to build that same type of circle back in Melbourne, and I really do want to work towards having a job that I can at least somewhat enjoy. I know that I am done with calls and hopefully customer service and can see this as another fresh start for 29.

I have definitely learnt a lot in the last year and in my 20s. the first half of my 20s was tumultuous as a result of the toxic relationship with my ex. sometimes I see it as a learning experience and sometimes I simply see it as a sad waste of time. at least if I could have reflected on it or had some closure, but it was messy from start to finish. I don't want to reflect on it too much anymore and I don't want to take it into the next chapter of my life. it wasn't until I was 25 that the cycle was broken. sometimes I wonder if it was the right decision and honestly it probably was. I still believe that if it didn't happen then, it would've happened eventually. it got to a point where it was a matter of when. there's no chance we would have still been together today. but it taught me about what I want in a relationship and how I want to be treated and all the fucked up things that I won't do again. I don't necessarily look back at it in a certain way anymore. I don't carry hatred or any strong emotions towards him. ill admit I do check on his socials every now and then, but I realised I had matured when I blocked him when he got his new boyfriend. maybe I acted irrationally but I figured it was better than putting myself through more hurt. he always thought that I would be the one that would act crazy if we broke up and he started dating other people, funnily enough I never tried to contact him once, and that felt like a huge step for me. what would've been the point? I had nothing to say anyway. I feel like I've been holding on to something for the last few years that I so desperately want to let go of. I feel as though I'm almost there. I know part of me will always feel something for him, regardless of whether he feels the same or not, because even with everything that happened, he was still a part of my life for 6 years that were quite formative. I definitely wish I could have done things differently but holding on to that will kill me. maybe things happen because they have to and you just have to move on. I don't think we will ever be in each others lives again, but that's okay. it is already starting to feel like a distant memory in some ways.

I have had my fair share of hook ups and I've learnt a lot from them, how transactional they are and how prevalent it is in the community. I feel as though I'm stuck on a border, one foot on the side of wanting to be done with them and the other side of me wanting to enjoy my sexuality, but surely it has to get to a point? I don't know how to limit myself and sometimes I feel insatiable even when I know I don't need it. maybe it is something I need to unpack in therapy, I don't really know.

if I had to reflect on 3 things Im grateful to my younger self for doing I guess ending the relationship would be one, even if it was extremely difficult. but I know it was needed to be done. I think in the last two years or so I'm grateful that I have actually grown up in some ways. I know I'm still learning but so is everyone else. that is life. I don't think we ever stop growing.

I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in my 20s and my relationship. I know I did some really terrible things, but we all make mistakes and we all fuck up. I'll always wish I could have done things differently but I can't and I have to accept that and realise I was a stupid kid. I have to learn from it and forgive myself. I have to remember that those decisions shouldn't deny me of feeling or experiencing love and that it isn't the end all. people do terrible things and as long as they learn from it and grow they can still be good people. that's what I want to do.

if I had to describe myself at 29 to someone who doesn't know me, I would say that I am a relaxed person. I am quite shy and reserved, but I would like to say that I am also kind and empathetic. the values that matter to me more now than in my 20s are definitely being around people that care about me and being around genuine people. I don't want to waste my time around people I don't have a genuine interest in or just because everyone else likes them. I think I was so caught up in being in that crowd, but there's more to life than that, and these people don't need to be on a pedestal, they aren't that amazing, they are just people. theres no point trying to force myself into places where I don't fit. I want to prioritise my time more now with those who matter. and I feel like that is a big thing I have outgrown. keeping appearances or being around the cool crowd. I don't know what that even means anymore. its also a lame thought to carry into adult life.

my ideal day or week would look like morning pilates with my best friend on a sunny spring day, it really depends if I'm employed or not - if im not then pilates and coffee in the morning, wander around some op shops for a while, go back home and relax, head to the beach for an early evening swim, this is really what I was doing before I left and I forgot how much I enjoyed it. if I'm employed hopefully ill be in a low stress/pressure environment and I can still do all the things I love and not be working to live. Home will be in Melbourne for a little while but I want home to be peaceful and fun, and adventurous and finding joy in the little things and in Melbourne, not wishing I was somewhere else all the time. I want to be happy in the home that I am in.

one thing I want to do before I'm 30 is hopefully find a job that I enjoy. this is probably my biggest priority when I get home. I want my relationships to feel full and light. I want to make sure every encounter or interaction is full of laughter and positivity. I want to engage in deeper conversations and ask the hard stuff. I want to know more and understand more. I want to prioritise time with my family and old friends and hopefully make space for new ones. I don't want to dating to feel draining and like a chore, and I want to approach it a bit differently to how I did in London.

I feel as though I have a good workout routine that I want to continue for my future self. it took me a while but I definitely want to make the next year a strong fitness year. id like to limit my social media as my last few weeks have been scarily high with my screen time amounts. I say it every year but I would also like to limit or take a break from hookup apps, at least for my mental and sexual health. I need to continue and improve my habits on self care - teeth, skin, medications etc.

although I have done it in London, I would like to try joining a social event or group. the idea still scares me now so id like to do that in Melbourne.

if I had to describe how I want to feel when I turn 30 in three words - content, excited, stable

I have touched on this a lot, but I am still holding onto those feelings of my last relationship and the mistakes I made, that I want to release. I want to release it all and eventually those lingering feelings I have. I want to release the fear of growing up and the fear of life itself, I want to enjoy it more than being scared. I need to let go of those regrets of my relationship and the things I did in my early 20s.

starting fresh means to me exactly how it sounds. I have had some time away so I do see it as a chance to reset and start fresh. I know I am not the same person I was when I left, so I can put that in motion and hopefully tackle things differently. get a new job, put myself out there socially, enjoy my surroundings and the people in my life.

I want to become someone building a life to be proud of, whatever that looks like. I think my 30 year old self would thank me for doing the work to reflect and think about what I want, rather than just coasting by. and that is what I will hopefully do. put in the work because I know what I want, and I have to remember it is never too late.

until next time,

-H.

[dustvoid]

09.06.25

another month already gone. time really is flying by. my job fucking sucks. more bullshit calls and I don't know why I took it. I could've left and I should have. I don't know why I thought it would be any different when I still feel anxious and now it's a million times worse because there is so much to know and I don't know anything. I just have to keep telling myself it is only temporary and that it will be over soon. I went out a couple dates with John, who I saw a couple times in 2017-18. they were really nice and it felt good to see him again. it felt so natural and I could feel a strong emotional and physical connection, but I know he isn't that interested, and it makes me sad. I really thought there was something there, a spark or the start of something exciting and electric, but I just know he doesn't feel the same. at one point I thought I wouldn't go home because of it, which is very silly, because I shouldn't be putting that kind of expectation or pressure on a couple of dates or relying on him for my happiness or a reason to stay. I guess maybe subconsciously I was looking for one, but I didn't get it. I think I will go home. I don't want to do this job long term and I don't think I have it in me to keep temping. id also have to find somewhere else to live and like ive been saying, im just tired. I am scared to leave but im also excited, and it doesn't have to be the end. my current financial state is not good, but I just need to get through the next few months. I can't believe I only have 3 months left here. I feel like it will come around very quickly. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

01.05.25

wow... I have been very slack with my entries. I feel like so much has happened in the last few months. moved flats again, got a new job last week. summer is almost here. I feel like time is just flying by. the last couple of months I feel like I was really on autopilot with work, but I did do fun things too! I think every weekend for the last month or so has been quite social. I moved into a flat in Shoreditch with other Aussies and they're all very nice. one of them is even good friends with Pat which I found out at his birthday drinks. It was an interesting situation if im being honest, it felt as though he had invited guys that he had dated but decided to just be friends with, and one of them even brought a cake for him. In a way it was good though because after that any feelings I had romantically just disappeared. I figured he already a lot going on and I wasn't going to bother. Really my dating life here has not been great. A guy actually asked what was wrong with me since I'm cute but still single... gotta say that one kinda hurt. I already know theres things wrong with me but really who knows what. I don't think theres even much point trying as I think i've decided to go home in September. I'm scared because I like my social life here, London is just so expensive. I really think if I had found a more permanent and stable job I maybe would have stayed longer. but I miss Melbourne. London feels very isolating at times. it is just so big that it feels overwhelming. I miss the coziness of Melbourne. im scared because I don't want to go home and for things to be how they were before I left, but I guess I have to treat it as starting over again, the same way I did when I moved here. I have to try and make an effort I suppose. I wish I could just have my social life that I have here but in Melbourne. I can't believe I could be home in 5 months. I can't believe I will have been here for a year at the end of this month. I am excited to go home though. being here has made me miss home and appreciate it a bit more. besides the social aspect my life really wasn't that bad. I do wish I had more of a career and being here has not really helped, but at least I have been working I guess. I do miss the beach and I miss my family, I miss my car and driving! I miss the beach life but also being close to the city. I miss my best friend!! I miss the girls too but I do miss seeing Emma. im both scared and excited if anything. I think one of the things with my life and life in general is that you really never know where you will be in six months. my life has been changing so much the last year or so, and it is kind of nice that it is always changing. I see the people I went to school with and sometimes I do feel envious. I like my life and I know im just on a different path, but it must feel nice to be settled. to have a life with someone and be married and have a house and a proper life. I know we all have them but I guess it is just something I think about the older I get. it feels unattainable at times. I love being gay and I couldn't see myself any other way but it feels wildly different sometimes to being straight. we are all on different paths at the end of the day. I just wish mine was slightly similar in a way.

[dustvoid]

02.02.25

finally jan is fucking over. felt like the longest month. this job is already sucking the life out of me. it is so exhausting. I don't really know why im there but thank god it is only temporary. 10 hour days with 7 hours of sitting at a desk looking at a screen and 2 hours of travel. I know i'm whining I just don't know how people do it. it wouldn't be so bad if I actually had work to do but I feel like im twiddling my thumbs most of the time. but if they want to pay me for it. I feel so stuck all the time. I really don't want to do another customer service job and I was in the recruitment process for one but decided to drop out. the recruitment woman was a nightmare and it was honestly an extremely stressful experience. constantly emailing, ringing and texting me because I wasn't answering asap. to me it seemed very unprofessional and off-putting. she kept saying how upset she was and the team were and that they thought id be a good fit, well can they offer me the job then? all this over a second interview seemed ridiculous. I just don't want to travel an hour each way 4 days a week in the office. London is just too big. there will be other jobs and even if I have to temp until I leave it wouldnt be the worst thing. I just know I can't stay in customer service for the rest of my life and I need to get out. but it seems to be the only thing I can do which depresses me. I'm not sure if I can spend another year here but it really depends on what happens. maybe I will go home after summer once ive finished travelling. Claudia is going to getting married in November which is so exciting, but in an ideal world I would have stayed until mum and (maybe) Alice came over to the uk, but I also feel like I may not last until then anyway, and I definitely don't want to miss the wedding, so I will have to try and figure something out. it would be really silly to go and come back and probably very expensive too, but then the alternative would probably be spending the holidays alone, which I would've just done. I don't know, hopefully I can figure something out. I wanted to come home for summer anyway but didn't realise mum was coming after Christmas, and I don't want to do another winter here!!!!

I guess change is coming which should be exciting. I do want for this year to be better and im going to try. im moving house in a couple days and I will be living in east London for a bit. will be catching up with friends over the weekend. going to Berlin at the end of the month and will take some time off once this job finishes and reassess/plan for the next few months from April. I definitely want to do more and see more. I need to get over the feeling of missing out just because I am alone. it would obviously be nicer to do things with other people, but if I wait around I will end up doing nothing, and another year will be gone. I think it makes me feel sad being alone, and being out and seeing people together. I guess that is life though and I can sit and do nothing alone or go out and be alone and at least be doing something. so that needs to be my mindset for the year.

anyway this week is going to be so draining and im already tired thinking about it but somehow I will get through it.

[dustvoid]

27.01.25

I guess things are a bit better since my last entry. find a place to live for another couple months. still a bit annoying that ill have to find somewhere else again but at least I don't have to worry about it for a bit of time now. my temp job ended but now I have another one. honestly feeling a bit burnt out but I know I should do it and the money would be good. 9-5 monday to Friday in the office may kill me though. god im already tired just thinking about it. I don't even know what I will be doing but I guess I will find out tomorrow. at least it is only for a month. once it ends I am definitely going to treat myself and go on a trip somewhere. I have no idea where but it feels somewhat deserved after pretty much working straight for the last 6 months (madness). I have to also move next week from south west to the east and I don't know how im going to do that either, so the next month is going to be.. interesting. and probably exhausting. I need a break asap.

[dustvoid]

18.01.25

feeling very stressed lately. I have to find somewhere else to live in 2 weeks and it just feels too hard or that I won't be able to do it. I didn't think it would be this difficult. on top of that my job ends next week as well. part of me just really wants to call it and go home, but I also want to stay. I just wish it could be easier. I don't know why things never seem to work out for me. I know everyone has their own problems and no one has it all together, but I feel like I can never get a win. if I can't find anywhere to live or a job I don't know what I will do. if I at least find somewhere to live I can then find a job. I just don't want to live here and be wasting my savings. it is just not the best time of year to be travelling. I could always go down to Leicester but I know id end up being extremely depressed and isolated. in some ways I had a good feeling that this would happen and that the problems I had back home would follow me. I think in all fairness I have done okay. ive managed to stick it out for 6 months, ive been able to live comfortably and work. I have put myself out there and made some friends, but I still don't feel settled. people always said it takes 6-12 months, and now I've heard it can take even longer. but honestly I can see myself going back home at the end of this year. I think if I had a permanent job and a place to live long term it would obviously be much different, and I would probably feel a different way. at least I think so. I wouldn't feel so stressed anyway. but I would maybe feel like I could stay longer. it feels so different for me because I don't have a visa, so I don't really feel obligated to stay 2-3 years because I don't have to, because I didn't pay a ton of money to be here. I think that is one of the biggest things. I think as well because of my current situation I just want to go home. It doesn't help being in the middle of winter while it is summer back home, but my life was not great before I left, so id be going back to what I left which makes me sad. part of me thinks I will just always be this way and it terrifies me. I will always be on the sidelines watching my life go by, on the outside looking in. I really don't know why it is this way. I guess it is just life. I know only I can change it but it feels too late for that. I know I am lucky to be here, but why can't I just have my shit together like everyone else. everyone I know has a job and a home and has things going on, and I just feel like im floating by. I wish things could just be different and be better. I haven't given up yet completely, but I am close. I don't know how much longer I can keep trying.

[dustvoid]

7.11.25

not the best start to the year. the last week has been awful. I've been sick with a bloody cold and sinus infection. I can't tell if im getting better or not, I think I am slightly but it won't seem to go away. starting to feel stressed again. I have to find a new place to live in 4 weeks and I just wish I didn't have to. I wanted to have a bit more stability 7 months in. I also don't know what is happening with my job, I guess I won't hear anything for another week or two. the stress and fear of the unknown just makes me want to leave. I really really hate being stressed and feeling unsettled. I guess I just have to hope that it works out considering ive gotten this far. worst case scenario I do some travelling and go home like ive said I would do in the past, I just wish it was almost summer as I really don't want to go home and do another winter, I think id probably die. I don't want to sound negative, it's more that im just being realistic. I know that I could find somewhere if I was truly desperate, but I really don't want to move somewhere for a month and then have to do it all again, which most sublets are. 2-3 months would be ideal. I wish I could rent somewhere long term but I know with my job situation and salary it wouldn't be doable. trying not to think about it too much and hoping that I can stick it out for a bit longer. I think I am ready to go home though. if I had been able to find a permanent job and house I know id be happier, but I didnt know it would be this hard. I know it's a bad time of year to look for jobs, but I feel as though I have struggled since being here, and I thought being a British citizen would have helped but I guess not. I know it hasn't been a year yet, but if it gets to 12 months and im still in the same position then I will probably call it.

[dustvoid]

1.1.25

can't believe its a new year already. today was a complete write off. feeling so fragile right now. lack of sleep maybe? treated my body like absolute shit the last couple of days. now I think im getting sick to top it off. I think im just exhausted and need to sleep. can I start the new year tomorrow? I really need to try to make more of an effort with myself. I need to read more and spend less time on my phone and social media. I think im somewhat addicted and it scares me. why can't I break these patterns? I need to make sure im getting enough fresh air and walking, even when it is freezing cold outside. I need to stop spending recklessly and buying things I don't need and that I can't afford. why did I buy that Burberry scarf?! I need to stop being so easily influenced by social media as well. I don't even think I can afford it now but here we are. I do need to stop stressing about finances but I need to be more sensible. I need to make better life choices and not get myself into awkward situations that could be avoided. I need to stop leading guys on and saying no. I definitely need a break from dating and dating apps. I need to find other ways to prioritise my time. I need to try and enjoy my time here before I end up going home, which honestly could be sooner than I thought given my job and housing situation, which is also stressing me out. I hope that it will somehow work out, I mean I have gotten this far. but I do wish that I had a more stable situation right now. I guess we will see how I go and what the year brings.

[dustvoid]

28.12.24

I really want next year to bring joy and peace. and stability. and excitement. positive challenges and new experiences. I want to do more with my time and my life. I want to see more of the world. I'm so terrified that I will have another repeat of this year. im so terrified that my life is on constant repeat. always on the same cycle. I feel like im stuck and I can't move. even though im on the other side of the world, I feel as though the same issues followed me, because they live within me. but I want so bad for things to change. for me to change. I want my life to be different. it has to be different. I can't do another repeat of this year.

[dustvoid]

27.12.24

almost another year gone. this year has really flown by, especially the last six months. I can't believe I really moved to London. it is a big move and I really just left my job, said goodbye to my friends and family and left. I think im glad I did it, I guess I still haven't been here that long, but it has definitely been challenging. at times I really did want to go home and call it. I really don't know how much longer I will stay. maybe another year at least. I just don't know if I see myself being here any longer than that. maybe if I got a decent job and found somewhere to live long term. I really thought id have a permanent job by now and I still don't, which somewhat worries me. I really didnt think it would so difficult and competitive here, and thought maybe having a British passport would help but clearly not. I will still try. in an ideal world I would stay here and work until summer, do a summer Europe trip, come back to the uk for a bit until mum comes over and then go home with her. either way I definitely can't do another winter here and everyone says January is the worst.

[dustvoid]

21.12.24

I don't know what's wrong with me, but the older I get the more im starting to understand. I really have a problem with confrontation and I have no idea where it stems from. I will really go to lengths to avoid it but it feels really unhealthy. I think there's a correlation with that and my tendency to people please. I'm not sure exactly how the two are related but there must be some distinction between them. more specifically being that I can never say no. if I don't want to go on a date, I will do it anyway. if im talking to someone im not actually interested in, I will lead them on. and continue to do it and pretend im interested when im not. its so wrong and I don't know why I do it. why can't I just say no or why do I continue to get into these situations. I meet someone to hook up and maybe I won't be feeling it but I still do it? unless if I felt I was physically in danger I just do it. I've had people walk out on me so why can't I do the same? it makes me feel ill when I continue to do these things. this guy keeps asking me out and I don't know why I won't go, but I keep saying that im interested and we will do another time or that im free and then never meet.

I hate these types of people and yet im one of them. i need to break these habits and I hate the idea of doing it in the new year, but it symbolises a fresh start and feels hopeful in a way. I need to start being more confrontational and not avoiding. not avoiding messages or telling people how I feel. I need to stop people pleasing and saying no. I need to stop going on dates and hooking up for the sake of it. I need to stop leading people on when im not interested and just doing it for the attention or from boredom. I need to stop dating period. I used to feel excited going on dates and now I just feel terribly anxious, and it is sad.

its almost a new year but my future feels so uncertain. my temporary job ends January 10th which is around the same time this sublet ends. this job might get extended again but I really doubt it and I don't know what ill do if it doesn't. I really dont want to move again and the thought just stresses me out, but I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay and I don't want to sign a lease and I don't even know if the guy is coming back or not. honestly this isn't really where I wanted to be 6 months into being here, I know it is probably normal but also I know that by now you should be a bit more settled than this.

[dustvoid]

08.12.24

can't believe its almost Christmas and the end of the year. time has gone by pretty fast, yet at the same time I feel as though I have been here for years. I don't really know what to say at the moment. I don't want to keep repeating myself over and over again. I guess the dating has slowed down a bit. it is a bit frustrating how I keep going on first dates and it's the same thing each time. I say that but im no better. I went out with this guy who seemed really interested and wanted to meet again, to ghost me. the fucked up thing is that I did the exact same thing to someone else. I acted interested when I wasn't and said id see him again when I didn't want to. is it people pleasing and being scared of confrontation? that's what it is for me but what about everyone else? I can't really keep complaining about these things when I do them myself. I guess im really no better. there are so many toxic habits and patterns that I have brought over with me that I can't seem to break. why can't I break them? it is easy to say you want to change and want to stop, but actually doing it feels a lot more difficult. I can say that id like to try next year given that it's a clean slate, but who knows if I actually will. I think since being here one of the reasons why it's so much easier to hook up is because there is a lot less pressure compared to dating. a hook up can be a once off and if you aren't feeling it you dont go ahead with it and that is the end of it. I feel like dating is so unpredictable and you never truly know what the other person is thinking unless they tell you, which is very rare in this day and age. It doesn't really seem that hard to get a date here but I really have been on so many that im just tired. I feel as though I already have an idea of where it is going to go and what will be said, like I already have it rehearsed. I guess in some ways it is good experience. I am a bit frustrated that I did go on so many dates when getting here, and now there's this cute guy that I want to go out with who lives with someone I already went on a date with. you can't make this up. I guess it's just lucky that we didn't actually hook up or do anything and that it was a while ago. but I feel like it will always be on the back of my mind, and running into him would not be very ideal if it were to happen. once again I feel like this a common occurrence for me and something I need to break.

[dustvoid]

26.11.24

reaching a breaking point. I don't know why I can't get off the dating apps but I know I would be so much happier. im just so fucking exhausted. I think people create versions of me in my head and then become disappointed or disinterested when that isn't the reality. and it isn't my job or responsibility to fulfil that for them. but its so frustrating. I don't know what im doing wrong but it must be something. is it how I look? I talk? I really don't know. I just feel like I will never be enough for anyone. and I know some of this could be helped with just deleting the apps. it is a toxic and scary trap. the validation lures you in and keeps you there. I don't know how to break it. I just don't know I can do anymore first dates for a long time. as sad as it sounds, I just want someone to be interested in me and actually put in the time and effort. I think that is just not ever going to happen in London. everyone here is constantly on the go, looking for the next best things or on the move to somewhere or someone else. logistically with all of the first dates I have been on something should have eventuated by now, so it is either me and/or the dating culture here, which is ultimately fleeting.

[dustvoid]

15.11.24

feeling a bit better. finally starting to feel a bit more settled and into a groove. my dating life is in the pits but I'm not too fussed. I had my cinema date with Matt last week and it was nice. he invited me back t his place and I should've really known what that meant, but in my head it was cold and a cuddle would've been nice. he really just wanted to fuck and Id had two beers and was really tired, so I said I couldn't which was the truth. it got me thinking about if thats something I wanted to do on the first or second date with a guy I liked. there's the debate of doing it earlier on so you know if you are sexually compatible or not. but then I think if thats all they want you are just giving it to them and then that could be it. I was just a bit surprised because there's easier ways to get a fuck than dating someone for it, but I know that everyone is different. kind of was just a bit surprised I guess. wasn't surprised that I didn't hear from him again. I went from not being able to break the first date curse to the second date curse. I'm really not expecting anything though anymore. and in reality if im only here for another year then im not sure if there is much point in it anyway. casual dating is fun but it does get a bit tiring. I still don't know if it is me or what the problem is. maybe I will never know. I made myself go on one of those coffee walks last weekend and it went surprisingly well. met some cool people and will hopefully continue to see them again. was nice to just socialise and talk to different people. also catching up with the nice first group of girls I met on Sunday which im looking forward to. again I don't know what I did to the other group of girls for them to ostracise? me but clearly I did something. maybe I shouldn't have left that Sunday gathering the way I did, but clearly no one was interested in talking to me so what's the point. and then they were clearly talking in a different chat without me so I just decided to unfollow them and not bother. its not a big loss at the end of the day cause I already kind of discovered that they weren't my people to begin with and I dont need to deal with petty highschool behaviour, I'm way too old for that shit and they still need to grow up a bit in my opinion. going to Leicester next weekend to see everyone and Tim who is visiting, and then off to Edinburgh the weekend after, so a few things to look forward to! probably the first time since being here (lol) but I think it just took me a while to get into the groove. and then when im back it won't be long until Christmas and new years. can't believe its almost 2025. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

04.11.24

still here. still trying. trying to think of more things I can do while I'm here. I just want to live and see things. I don't want to just waste my time sitting around. hopefully I can plan a couple of trips during winter and then have a big euro summer. wild to think I will have been here for 6 months at the end to this month. and then another year to go until I head home? I'm not too sure, I guess that is just a loose plan. I'm already off Alex. he definitely isn't interested and that's fine, I just wish he would've said. bread-crumbing, ghosting, they're all the same. but id rather be ghosted than be bread crumbed. I don't know why dating truly is so difficult here, but I think from my experience so far is that everyone in London is just so busy, and it feels like no one really has the time to date, yet they still try. or this could just be that no one wants to make the time to date me (lol) but there has definitely been a consistent pattern, so I don't think it is just me. there is also so many people in London and so much choice. it really is a numbers game, and you could be talking to a few guys and they could all be talking to a few and so on, making it even more difficult. I did go on a really nice date last night, but i'm trying not to read too much into it. I was supposed to be going on a date with Alex this week and another boy as well, but it's been radio silence. I could message them but i'm just tired. I'm tired of chasing boys. I'm waiting for a reply from Alex so i'm not going to bother with him, and I feel like there's just no use with the others. I do have another date with the boy from last night, so that should be nice. I would rather not date multiple boys at once, but again its a numbers game and its hard not to when you can all of a sudden be ghosted etc. I really want to move out but I feel trapped and moving out is so exhausting. I also can't really afford to pay a months rent and deposit right now. maybe I can find a long term sublet.

[dustvoid]

24.10.24

I wish I didn't get attached to people so fast. I don't really know what it is or what it stems from. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship for a while and I become obsessed with the idea. I catch myself thinking about all of these future plans and romanticising everything with someone. I know it is always just me doing it. I wish I could compartmentalise my emotions and seperate fantasy from reality. I think it mostly is due to the fact that I don't really have much going on in my life, and when I start to develop feelings with someone, they are usually the opposite. So they have other things to keep them busy and can go a couple days without talking, which is normal. I start to overthink really easily and start going over everything and picking apart the details. I can't tell if that is what is happening now. I like this guy but after the second date it just feels off. I can't tell if that is just me overthinking to the extreme or if that is true. usually when I have a gut feeling about these things I am right. I mean we have only been on two dates which is nothing. I guess I just want someone to be obsessed with me which is ridiculous. I mean total infatuation. but it is just not realistic, and I know that. and sometimes I think people are just too busy. Too busy to commit to anything or too busy to know what they really want. but is anyone really ever too busy? you make the time if you want to. so here I am trying to talk myself off the ledge and not overthink, but I wish it was easier said than done.

[dustvoid]

21.10.24

I can't believe it's November next month. I don't even know where this month went. I feel like I have hardly done much since being here. I'm still here but I don't know why. soon it will have been six months and I don't have much to show for it. I don't know what is holding me back. I honestly think it is because I am alone and sometimes it feels too hard. it should be the opposite but if I had someone or other people to do things with it would motivate me at least. but when it is up to me I just don't bother. I keep saying if things change maybe I will stay longer or I will see how it goes but how much longer can I say that for? I know majority of people say it takes about a year to feel really settled, so I guess I'm halfway there. I know just being here is an experience in itself but if I end up doing nothing and just working and that is it, it will be so upsetting. and I know I have to make the effort and make things happen, but it is hard doing it by yourself. I guess I have kind of made friends with some people from the netball team, but very casually. other than that I don't know where else to look. the thought of attending events alone just terrifies me, and I know it is very judgemental but sometimes it is not the type of people I would really mesh with that attend. I guess it's just not my people that go to those things, but at this point I know I can't afford to be picky.

the fomo of home is hitting hard now it is getting into summer. I don't know why I miss home so much when I was sad all the time. I guess because at least I had my family and some friends and now it just feels like I have no one and soon it will be really dark and depressing. i will try to make more of an effort. I know I will regret it if I don't and that's what I have to remember.