dustvoid

[dustvoid]

18.01.25

feeling very stressed lately. I have to find somewhere else to live in 2 weeks and it just feels too hard or that I won't be able to do it. I didn't think it would be this difficult. on top of that my job ends next week as well. part of me just really wants to call it and go home, but I also want to stay. I just wish it could be easier. I don't know why things never seem to work out for me. I know everyone has their own problems and no one has it all together, but I feel like I can never get a win. if I can't find anywhere to live or a job I don't know what I will do. if I at least find somewhere to live I can then find a job. I just don't want to live here and be wasting my savings. it is just not the best time of year to be travelling. I could always go down to Leicester but I know id end up being extremely depressed and isolated. in some ways I had a good feeling that this would happen and that the problems I had back home would follow me. I think in all fairness I have done okay. ive managed to stick it out for 6 months, ive been able to live comfortably and work. I have put myself out there and made some friends, but I still don't feel settled. people always said it takes 6-12 months, and now I've heard it can take even longer. but honestly I can see myself going back home at the end of this year. I think if I had a permanent job and a place to live long term it would obviously be much different, and I would probably feel a different way. at least I think so. I wouldn't feel so stressed anyway. but I would maybe feel like I could stay longer. it feels so different for me because I don't have a visa, so I don't really feel obligated to stay 2-3 years because I don't have to, because I didn't pay a ton of money to be here. I think that is one of the biggest things. I think as well because of my current situation I just want to go home. It doesn't help being in the middle of winter while it is summer back home, but my life was not great before I left, so id be going back to what I left which makes me sad. part of me thinks I will just always be this way and it terrifies me. I will always be on the sidelines watching my life go by, on the outside looking in. I really don't know why it is this way. I guess it is just life. I know only I can change it but it feels too late for that. I know I am lucky to be here, but why can't I just have my shit together like everyone else. everyone I know has a job and a home and has things going on, and I just feel like im floating by. I wish things could just be different and be better. I haven't given up yet completely, but I am close. I don't know how much longer I can keep trying.

[dustvoid]

7.11.25

not the best start to the year. the last week has been awful. I've been sick with a bloody cold and sinus infection. I can't tell if im getting better or not, I think I am slightly but it won't seem to go away. starting to feel stressed again. I have to find a new place to live in 4 weeks and I just wish I didn't have to. I wanted to have a bit more stability 7 months in. I also don't know what is happening with my job, I guess I won't hear anything for another week or two. the stress and fear of the unknown just makes me want to leave. I really really hate being stressed and feeling unsettled. I guess I just have to hope that it works out considering ive gotten this far. worst case scenario I do some travelling and go home like ive said I would do in the past, I just wish it was almost summer as I really don't want to go home and do another winter, I think id probably die. I don't want to sound negative, it's more that im just being realistic. I know that I could find somewhere if I was truly desperate, but I really don't want to move somewhere for a month and then have to do it all again, which most sublets are. 2-3 months would be ideal. I wish I could rent somewhere long term but I know with my job situation and salary it wouldn't be doable. trying not to think about it too much and hoping that I can stick it out for a bit longer. I think I am ready to go home though. if I had been able to find a permanent job and house I know id be happier, but I didnt know it would be this hard. I know it's a bad time of year to look for jobs, but I feel as though I have struggled since being here, and I thought being a British citizen would have helped but I guess not. I know it hasn't been a year yet, but if it gets to 12 months and im still in the same position then I will probably call it.

[dustvoid]

1.1.25

can't believe its a new year already. today was a complete write off. feeling so fragile right now. lack of sleep maybe? treated my body like absolute shit the last couple of days. now I think im getting sick to top it off. I think im just exhausted and need to sleep. can I start the new year tomorrow? I really need to try to make more of an effort with myself. I need to read more and spend less time on my phone and social media. I think im somewhat addicted and it scares me. why can't I break these patterns? I need to make sure im getting enough fresh air and walking, even when it is freezing cold outside. I need to stop spending recklessly and buying things I don't need and that I can't afford. why did I buy that Burberry scarf?! I need to stop being so easily influenced by social media as well. I don't even think I can afford it now but here we are. I do need to stop stressing about finances but I need to be more sensible. I need to make better life choices and not get myself into awkward situations that could be avoided. I need to stop leading guys on and saying no. I definitely need a break from dating and dating apps. I need to find other ways to prioritise my time. I need to try and enjoy my time here before I end up going home, which honestly could be sooner than I thought given my job and housing situation, which is also stressing me out. I hope that it will somehow work out, I mean I have gotten this far. but I do wish that I had a more stable situation right now. I guess we will see how I go and what the year brings.

[dustvoid]

28.12.24

I really want next year to bring joy and peace. and stability. and excitement. positive challenges and new experiences. I want to do more with my time and my life. I want to see more of the world. I'm so terrified that I will have another repeat of this year. im so terrified that my life is on constant repeat. always on the same cycle. I feel like im stuck and I can't move. even though im on the other side of the world, I feel as though the same issues followed me, because they live within me. but I want so bad for things to change. for me to change. I want my life to be different. it has to be different. I can't do another repeat of this year.

[dustvoid]

27.12.24

almost another year gone. this year has really flown by, especially the last six months. I can't believe I really moved to London. it is a big move and I really just left my job, said goodbye to my friends and family and left. I think im glad I did it, I guess I still haven't been here that long, but it has definitely been challenging. at times I really did want to go home and call it. I really don't know how much longer I will stay. maybe another year at least. I just don't know if I see myself being here any longer than that. maybe if I got a decent job and found somewhere to live long term. I really thought id have a permanent job by now and I still don't, which somewhat worries me. I really didnt think it would so difficult and competitive here, and thought maybe having a British passport would help but clearly not. I will still try. in an ideal world I would stay here and work until summer, do a summer Europe trip, come back to the uk for a bit until mum comes over and then go home with her. either way I definitely can't do another winter here and everyone says January is the worst.

[dustvoid]

21.12.24

I don't know what's wrong with me, but the older I get the more im starting to understand. I really have a problem with confrontation and I have no idea where it stems from. I will really go to lengths to avoid it but it feels really unhealthy. I think there's a correlation with that and my tendency to people please. I'm not sure exactly how the two are related but there must be some distinction between them. more specifically being that I can never say no. if I don't want to go on a date, I will do it anyway. if im talking to someone im not actually interested in, I will lead them on. and continue to do it and pretend im interested when im not. its so wrong and I don't know why I do it. why can't I just say no or why do I continue to get into these situations. I meet someone to hook up and maybe I won't be feeling it but I still do it? unless if I felt I was physically in danger I just do it. I've had people walk out on me so why can't I do the same? it makes me feel ill when I continue to do these things. this guy keeps asking me out and I don't know why I won't go, but I keep saying that im interested and we will do another time or that im free and then never meet.

I hate these types of people and yet im one of them. i need to break these habits and I hate the idea of doing it in the new year, but it symbolises a fresh start and feels hopeful in a way. I need to start being more confrontational and not avoiding. not avoiding messages or telling people how I feel. I need to stop people pleasing and saying no. I need to stop going on dates and hooking up for the sake of it. I need to stop leading people on when im not interested and just doing it for the attention or from boredom. I need to stop dating period. I used to feel excited going on dates and now I just feel terribly anxious, and it is sad.

its almost a new year but my future feels so uncertain. my temporary job ends January 10th which is around the same time this sublet ends. this job might get extended again but I really doubt it and I don't know what ill do if it doesn't. I really dont want to move again and the thought just stresses me out, but I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay and I don't want to sign a lease and I don't even know if the guy is coming back or not. honestly this isn't really where I wanted to be 6 months into being here, I know it is probably normal but also I know that by now you should be a bit more settled than this.

[dustvoid]

08.12.24

can't believe its almost Christmas and the end of the year. time has gone by pretty fast, yet at the same time I feel as though I have been here for years. I don't really know what to say at the moment. I don't want to keep repeating myself over and over again. I guess the dating has slowed down a bit. it is a bit frustrating how I keep going on first dates and it's the same thing each time. I say that but im no better. I went out with this guy who seemed really interested and wanted to meet again, to ghost me. the fucked up thing is that I did the exact same thing to someone else. I acted interested when I wasn't and said id see him again when I didn't want to. is it people pleasing and being scared of confrontation? that's what it is for me but what about everyone else? I can't really keep complaining about these things when I do them myself. I guess im really no better. there are so many toxic habits and patterns that I have brought over with me that I can't seem to break. why can't I break them? it is easy to say you want to change and want to stop, but actually doing it feels a lot more difficult. I can say that id like to try next year given that it's a clean slate, but who knows if I actually will. I think since being here one of the reasons why it's so much easier to hook up is because there is a lot less pressure compared to dating. a hook up can be a once off and if you aren't feeling it you dont go ahead with it and that is the end of it. I feel like dating is so unpredictable and you never truly know what the other person is thinking unless they tell you, which is very rare in this day and age. It doesn't really seem that hard to get a date here but I really have been on so many that im just tired. I feel as though I already have an idea of where it is going to go and what will be said, like I already have it rehearsed. I guess in some ways it is good experience. I am a bit frustrated that I did go on so many dates when getting here, and now there's this cute guy that I want to go out with who lives with someone I already went on a date with. you can't make this up. I guess it's just lucky that we didn't actually hook up or do anything and that it was a while ago. but I feel like it will always be on the back of my mind, and running into him would not be very ideal if it were to happen. once again I feel like this a common occurrence for me and something I need to break.

[dustvoid]

26.11.24

reaching a breaking point. I don't know why I can't get off the dating apps but I know I would be so much happier. im just so fucking exhausted. I think people create versions of me in my head and then become disappointed or disinterested when that isn't the reality. and it isn't my job or responsibility to fulfil that for them. but its so frustrating. I don't know what im doing wrong but it must be something. is it how I look? I talk? I really don't know. I just feel like I will never be enough for anyone. and I know some of this could be helped with just deleting the apps. it is a toxic and scary trap. the validation lures you in and keeps you there. I don't know how to break it. I just don't know I can do anymore first dates for a long time. as sad as it sounds, I just want someone to be interested in me and actually put in the time and effort. I think that is just not ever going to happen in London. everyone here is constantly on the go, looking for the next best things or on the move to somewhere or someone else. logistically with all of the first dates I have been on something should have eventuated by now, so it is either me and/or the dating culture here, which is ultimately fleeting.

[dustvoid]

15.11.24

feeling a bit better. finally starting to feel a bit more settled and into a groove. my dating life is in the pits but I'm not too fussed. I had my cinema date with Matt last week and it was nice. he invited me back t his place and I should've really known what that meant, but in my head it was cold and a cuddle would've been nice. he really just wanted to fuck and Id had two beers and was really tired, so I said I couldn't which was the truth. it got me thinking about if thats something I wanted to do on the first or second date with a guy I liked. there's the debate of doing it earlier on so you know if you are sexually compatible or not. but then I think if thats all they want you are just giving it to them and then that could be it. I was just a bit surprised because there's easier ways to get a fuck than dating someone for it, but I know that everyone is different. kind of was just a bit surprised I guess. wasn't surprised that I didn't hear from him again. I went from not being able to break the first date curse to the second date curse. I'm really not expecting anything though anymore. and in reality if im only here for another year then im not sure if there is much point in it anyway. casual dating is fun but it does get a bit tiring. I still don't know if it is me or what the problem is. maybe I will never know. I made myself go on one of those coffee walks last weekend and it went surprisingly well. met some cool people and will hopefully continue to see them again. was nice to just socialise and talk to different people. also catching up with the nice first group of girls I met on Sunday which im looking forward to. again I don't know what I did to the other group of girls for them to ostracise? me but clearly I did something. maybe I shouldn't have left that Sunday gathering the way I did, but clearly no one was interested in talking to me so what's the point. and then they were clearly talking in a different chat without me so I just decided to unfollow them and not bother. its not a big loss at the end of the day cause I already kind of discovered that they weren't my people to begin with and I dont need to deal with petty highschool behaviour, I'm way too old for that shit and they still need to grow up a bit in my opinion. going to Leicester next weekend to see everyone and Tim who is visiting, and then off to Edinburgh the weekend after, so a few things to look forward to! probably the first time since being here (lol) but I think it just took me a while to get into the groove. and then when im back it won't be long until Christmas and new years. can't believe its almost 2025. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

04.11.24

still here. still trying. trying to think of more things I can do while I'm here. I just want to live and see things. I don't want to just waste my time sitting around. hopefully I can plan a couple of trips during winter and then have a big euro summer. wild to think I will have been here for 6 months at the end to this month. and then another year to go until I head home? I'm not too sure, I guess that is just a loose plan. I'm already off Alex. he definitely isn't interested and that's fine, I just wish he would've said. bread-crumbing, ghosting, they're all the same. but id rather be ghosted than be bread crumbed. I don't know why dating truly is so difficult here, but I think from my experience so far is that everyone in London is just so busy, and it feels like no one really has the time to date, yet they still try. or this could just be that no one wants to make the time to date me (lol) but there has definitely been a consistent pattern, so I don't think it is just me. there is also so many people in London and so much choice. it really is a numbers game, and you could be talking to a few guys and they could all be talking to a few and so on, making it even more difficult. I did go on a really nice date last night, but i'm trying not to read too much into it. I was supposed to be going on a date with Alex this week and another boy as well, but it's been radio silence. I could message them but i'm just tired. I'm tired of chasing boys. I'm waiting for a reply from Alex so i'm not going to bother with him, and I feel like there's just no use with the others. I do have another date with the boy from last night, so that should be nice. I would rather not date multiple boys at once, but again its a numbers game and its hard not to when you can all of a sudden be ghosted etc. I really want to move out but I feel trapped and moving out is so exhausting. I also can't really afford to pay a months rent and deposit right now. maybe I can find a long term sublet.

[dustvoid]

24.10.24

I wish I didn't get attached to people so fast. I don't really know what it is or what it stems from. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship for a while and I become obsessed with the idea. I catch myself thinking about all of these future plans and romanticising everything with someone. I know it is always just me doing it. I wish I could compartmentalise my emotions and seperate fantasy from reality. I think it mostly is due to the fact that I don't really have much going on in my life, and when I start to develop feelings with someone, they are usually the opposite. So they have other things to keep them busy and can go a couple days without talking, which is normal. I start to overthink really easily and start going over everything and picking apart the details. I can't tell if that is what is happening now. I like this guy but after the second date it just feels off. I can't tell if that is just me overthinking to the extreme or if that is true. usually when I have a gut feeling about these things I am right. I mean we have only been on two dates which is nothing. I guess I just want someone to be obsessed with me which is ridiculous. I mean total infatuation. but it is just not realistic, and I know that. and sometimes I think people are just too busy. Too busy to commit to anything or too busy to know what they really want. but is anyone really ever too busy? you make the time if you want to. so here I am trying to talk myself off the ledge and not overthink, but I wish it was easier said than done.

[dustvoid]

21.10.24

I can't believe it's November next month. I don't even know where this month went. I feel like I have hardly done much since being here. I'm still here but I don't know why. soon it will have been six months and I don't have much to show for it. I don't know what is holding me back. I honestly think it is because I am alone and sometimes it feels too hard. it should be the opposite but if I had someone or other people to do things with it would motivate me at least. but when it is up to me I just don't bother. I keep saying if things change maybe I will stay longer or I will see how it goes but how much longer can I say that for? I know majority of people say it takes about a year to feel really settled, so I guess I'm halfway there. I know just being here is an experience in itself but if I end up doing nothing and just working and that is it, it will be so upsetting. and I know I have to make the effort and make things happen, but it is hard doing it by yourself. I guess I have kind of made friends with some people from the netball team, but very casually. other than that I don't know where else to look. the thought of attending events alone just terrifies me, and I know it is very judgemental but sometimes it is not the type of people I would really mesh with that attend. I guess it's just not my people that go to those things, but at this point I know I can't afford to be picky.

the fomo of home is hitting hard now it is getting into summer. I don't know why I miss home so much when I was sad all the time. I guess because at least I had my family and some friends and now it just feels like I have no one and soon it will be really dark and depressing. i will try to make more of an effort. I know I will regret it if I don't and that's what I have to remember.

[dustvoid]

07.10.24

dealing with thoughts of past relationship.

Pros:

an intense but close relationship and connection

same sense of humour, made each other laugh

shared experiences

grew up together

were still able to be there for each other

Cons:

extremely toxic dynamic - would try to hurt each other

frequent arguments, misunderstandings etc

loss of identity

trust issues, insecurity

negatively impacted wellbeing

[dustvoid]

01.10.24

new month. feeling like I've somewhat got a routine going. feeling better about myself physically and mentally from trying to improve my diet and fitness. noticing slight changes! definitely takes time but there is more I could be doing. but at least im trying. went to a girls house on the weekend and just felt uncomfortable. felt as though I could have just not been there. it is hard being in a big group and not wanting to just insert yourself into conversations. that just isn't me. the one girl I knew didn't even speak to me so I figured there was just no point hanging around and left. I'll never be someone who is boisterous and loud with strangers. I wish I was but I also don't think there's a problem with that. I think it is relatively normal to be a bit guarded. I wouldn't say im shy because I'll always make the effort with anyone who speaks to me. I'm just reserved. I don't like feeling like I need to try really hard because that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I felt partly bad about leaving and upset, but realised that maybe they just aren't my people and that's okay.

I don't know why I still can't seem to get a second date with anyone. I saw this post from a guy that I went out with a few time over a month ago and I cannot tell if it is about me or not. something about once again being love bombed for a couple weeks and then being tossed away, which is odd because we went out at least 5-6 weeks ago, and I do not remember love bombing him. It could have been about someone else, and I kind of hope that it is. I don't want to think that everything is about me, but it also is strange to post that when I could see it. I have never been one to chase unless I really like someone, but even then it needs to be a two way street. I'm not going to go out of my way and force a connection with anyone, platonically or romantically. it is just an awkward feeling and it isn't worth my time or energy. so maybe I'm not getting any dates because im not chasing, but it isn't like they are doing the same to me? so I assume they are just not interested and move on, which is the same as what happened with this guy. I feel bad if that is how he sees it and im not going to invalidate his feelings, but I definitely didn't love bomb him and if he felt like I was tossing him aside he could've said something. it was silent on his end too. I'm officially tired of the apps and dating though. I feel too exhausted. I haven't even been checking up with Pat because he is seriously shocking at replying to the point where I probably won't bother at all next time he messages. he strikes up a conversation with me and just never responds. at this point he is actively ignoring my messages and it fucking sucks. I don't even know why he bothers either. so it's 4 months in and im feeling somewhat settled but also not really at all. I just wish I had more of a circle and winter is really going to suck without one. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

25.09.24

feeling okay. not as sad as I was. honestly just exhausted and need to get my shit together. need to stop making dumb decisions. not sure when it will ever end. I need to break this extremely toxic cycle of hooking up and casual sex. I don't think there is any correlation with my lack of a dating life, but I don't know what the issue is. I really don't want to be doing this in my 30s. There has to be something wrong me with me. I am so so exhausted of dating. maybe I just need a long break. But I can't help myself. I need the dopamine rush of a like. I'm tired of pointless chats with no substance that always die and first dates. I can't believe I have only met one guy where a first date has progressed into a second date. with the amount of first dates I've been on surely I should have had more than that? I really don't know what I'm doing wrong? that is what confuses me. I know I'm more reserved than others, but I ALWAYS meet people halfway and try to make sure to give what I'm getting from them, and I feel like that is the bare minimum. but I try to be outgoing and flirty. I don't think I will find anyone at this point. every week I keep saying im going to have a break from and I still somehow end up on dates. I might be going on one tomorrow, and I feel like one a week at most is okay. I just feel like im starting to go into them with the mentality that it is a waste of time and won't go anywhere. I didn't even want to go on this date last weekend and I could tell he wasn't interested. I didn't even want to go!!! I wasn't interested either but that is when it becomes frustrating. after this date maybe I will just delete all the apps for a bit.

[dustvoid]

14.09.24

I knew this would happen. almost 4 months in and I'm miserable. im on the other side of the world and im still spending Friday and Saturday nights alone. I could be anywhere and I think this would be my life. I don't know what it is. I just can't make any long lasting friends. it's sad because I do try, it's just never reciprocated. Im never anyones first choice. it really sucks. I hate that everyone else is so lucky and it's always me in the shitty situations. it's so unfair that someone like pat can come over here and already have a good circle of friends and then move into a fun house with people who like to hang out and now he will get to have the perfect experience. not to mention that I actually asked him to hang out this weekend which I never do because whenever I do the person is always busy and low and behold he was busy, then gave me a pity invite to a festival and then ignored me. im tired of him treating me like this and im just done. I'm not going to bother anymore with someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck. I'll just let him live his life and I'll live mine. it sucks because im just stuck in this vicious cycle where I can't rent a room without a full time job which I don't have and I can't find one. I don't know what im going to do after this job ends and im back to being unemployed. I'm terrified because of how expensive it is here. maybe I should just go home. I don't see the point of living here and being miserable and not even being able to find a fucking job with citizenship. I just need someone to give me a fucking break. I just want to live somewhere where I actually talk to the people who live there. I have lived in that many houses now and ive never had one good living experience except for maybe 6 months when I first moved out of home which was years ago. every other time its been pure shit and it sucks. I don't think it will ever happen for me to be honest and I think this has just made me realise it for real. I really don't know what to do. I guess I just have to wait to see if this job gets extended again while also hoping that I can find something permanent even though I can't even get an interview these days. it is all just too hard.

[dustvoid]

03.09.24

I still feel a bit homesick. I know it's only been 3 months, but I feel a bit burnt out. I think I need a dating break and to focus on myself a bit more. I was going on one or two dates every week for the last month or two and I'm just exhausted. I'm so tired of doing the same thing over and over again. maybe like everyone says, I'll find it when I'm not looking. I don't think I have any more first dates in me for now. they've become so repetitive that I can't even tell what's a nice date anymore. or I can't appreciate them. they are starting to feel like interviews, and I used to really enjoy dating! so the best thing to do would be to have a break for a while. part of me really wants to make something of myself here, and the other half wants to just make money to survive and live, and enjoy my time here, however long that is. who really knows what will happen. I just hope I evolve and don't stay in the same place. I really don't want to be doing here what I was doing at home, or I will probably go insane. if it gets to that I will just head back home. no point staying here to struggle and not enjoy it.

I didn't really think id miss home so much. I guess I just never appreciated it that much and felt like I was stuck, which I was, but I also love and miss it. I guess both things can be true. I don't think I could see myself being here long term, especially not in London. I couldn't be here for the rest of my life. I miss my family and I'm too close with them. maybe I am just built different, but I don't think I could live on the other side of the world from them forever. I miss my friends too, even if they are all off doing their own thing. I miss Emma though and my sisters. I miss going to the beach and having it be 15 or 50 minutes from me. I miss how small Melbourne is. London and the uk are overwhelmingly big. I miss my weekly pilates classes, and walks through the reserves and suburbs. I miss Northside and the funky little pockets of Melbourne. I'm sure I'll be back one day, I just have no idea when.

-H