dustvoid

[dustvoid]

21.12.24

I don't know what's wrong with me, but the older I get the more im starting to understand. I really have a problem with confrontation and I have no idea where it stems from. I will really go to lengths to avoid it but it feels really unhealthy. I think there's a correlation with that and my tendency to people please. I'm not sure exactly how the two are related but there must be some distinction between them. more specifically being that I can never say no. if I don't want to go on a date, I will do it anyway. if im talking to someone im not actually interested in, I will lead them on. and continue to do it and pretend im interested when im not. its so wrong and I don't know why I do it. why can't I just say no or why do I continue to get into these situations. I meet someone to hook up and maybe I won't be feeling it but I still do it? unless if I felt I was physically in danger I just do it. I've had people walk out on me so why can't I do the same? it makes me feel ill when I continue to do these things. this guy keeps asking me out and I don't know why I won't go, but I keep saying that im interested and we will do another time or that im free and then never meet.

I hate these types of people and yet im one of them. i need to break these habits and I hate the idea of doing it in the new year, but it symbolises a fresh start and feels hopeful in a way. I need to start being more confrontational and not avoiding. not avoiding messages or telling people how I feel. I need to stop people pleasing and saying no. I need to stop going on dates and hooking up for the sake of it. I need to stop leading people on when im not interested and just doing it for the attention or from boredom. I need to stop dating period. I used to feel excited going on dates and now I just feel terribly anxious, and it is sad.

its almost a new year but my future feels so uncertain. my temporary job ends January 10th which is around the same time this sublet ends. this job might get extended again but I really doubt it and I don't know what ill do if it doesn't. I really dont want to move again and the thought just stresses me out, but I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay and I don't want to sign a lease and I don't even know if the guy is coming back or not. honestly this isn't really where I wanted to be 6 months into being here, I know it is probably normal but also I know that by now you should be a bit more settled than this.

[dustvoid]

08.12.24

can't believe its almost Christmas and the end of the year. time has gone by pretty fast, yet at the same time I feel as though I have been here for years. I don't really know what to say at the moment. I don't want to keep repeating myself over and over again. I guess the dating has slowed down a bit. it is a bit frustrating how I keep going on first dates and it's the same thing each time. I say that but im no better. I went out with this guy who seemed really interested and wanted to meet again, to ghost me. the fucked up thing is that I did the exact same thing to someone else. I acted interested when I wasn't and said id see him again when I didn't want to. is it people pleasing and being scared of confrontation? that's what it is for me but what about everyone else? I can't really keep complaining about these things when I do them myself. I guess im really no better. there are so many toxic habits and patterns that I have brought over with me that I can't seem to break. why can't I break them? it is easy to say you want to change and want to stop, but actually doing it feels a lot more difficult. I can say that id like to try next year given that it's a clean slate, but who knows if I actually will. I think since being here one of the reasons why it's so much easier to hook up is because there is a lot less pressure compared to dating. a hook up can be a once off and if you aren't feeling it you dont go ahead with it and that is the end of it. I feel like dating is so unpredictable and you never truly know what the other person is thinking unless they tell you, which is very rare in this day and age. It doesn't really seem that hard to get a date here but I really have been on so many that im just tired. I feel as though I already have an idea of where it is going to go and what will be said, like I already have it rehearsed. I guess in some ways it is good experience. I am a bit frustrated that I did go on so many dates when getting here, and now there's this cute guy that I want to go out with who lives with someone I already went on a date with. you can't make this up. I guess it's just lucky that we didn't actually hook up or do anything and that it was a while ago. but I feel like it will always be on the back of my mind, and running into him would not be very ideal if it were to happen. once again I feel like this a common occurrence for me and something I need to break.

[dustvoid]

26.11.24

reaching a breaking point. I don't know why I can't get off the dating apps but I know I would be so much happier. im just so fucking exhausted. I think people create versions of me in my head and then become disappointed or disinterested when that isn't the reality. and it isn't my job or responsibility to fulfil that for them. but its so frustrating. I don't know what im doing wrong but it must be something. is it how I look? I talk? I really don't know. I just feel like I will never be enough for anyone. and I know some of this could be helped with just deleting the apps. it is a toxic and scary trap. the validation lures you in and keeps you there. I don't know how to break it. I just don't know I can do anymore first dates for a long time. as sad as it sounds, I just want someone to be interested in me and actually put in the time and effort. I think that is just not ever going to happen in London. everyone here is constantly on the go, looking for the next best things or on the move to somewhere or someone else. logistically with all of the first dates I have been on something should have eventuated by now, so it is either me and/or the dating culture here, which is ultimately fleeting.

[dustvoid]

15.11.24

feeling a bit better. finally starting to feel a bit more settled and into a groove. my dating life is in the pits but I'm not too fussed. I had my cinema date with Matt last week and it was nice. he invited me back t his place and I should've really known what that meant, but in my head it was cold and a cuddle would've been nice. he really just wanted to fuck and Id had two beers and was really tired, so I said I couldn't which was the truth. it got me thinking about if thats something I wanted to do on the first or second date with a guy I liked. there's the debate of doing it earlier on so you know if you are sexually compatible or not. but then I think if thats all they want you are just giving it to them and then that could be it. I was just a bit surprised because there's easier ways to get a fuck than dating someone for it, but I know that everyone is different. kind of was just a bit surprised I guess. wasn't surprised that I didn't hear from him again. I went from not being able to break the first date curse to the second date curse. I'm really not expecting anything though anymore. and in reality if im only here for another year then im not sure if there is much point in it anyway. casual dating is fun but it does get a bit tiring. I still don't know if it is me or what the problem is. maybe I will never know. I made myself go on one of those coffee walks last weekend and it went surprisingly well. met some cool people and will hopefully continue to see them again. was nice to just socialise and talk to different people. also catching up with the nice first group of girls I met on Sunday which im looking forward to. again I don't know what I did to the other group of girls for them to ostracise? me but clearly I did something. maybe I shouldn't have left that Sunday gathering the way I did, but clearly no one was interested in talking to me so what's the point. and then they were clearly talking in a different chat without me so I just decided to unfollow them and not bother. its not a big loss at the end of the day cause I already kind of discovered that they weren't my people to begin with and I dont need to deal with petty highschool behaviour, I'm way too old for that shit and they still need to grow up a bit in my opinion. going to Leicester next weekend to see everyone and Tim who is visiting, and then off to Edinburgh the weekend after, so a few things to look forward to! probably the first time since being here (lol) but I think it just took me a while to get into the groove. and then when im back it won't be long until Christmas and new years. can't believe its almost 2025. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

04.11.24

still here. still trying. trying to think of more things I can do while I'm here. I just want to live and see things. I don't want to just waste my time sitting around. hopefully I can plan a couple of trips during winter and then have a big euro summer. wild to think I will have been here for 6 months at the end to this month. and then another year to go until I head home? I'm not too sure, I guess that is just a loose plan. I'm already off Alex. he definitely isn't interested and that's fine, I just wish he would've said. bread-crumbing, ghosting, they're all the same. but id rather be ghosted than be bread crumbed. I don't know why dating truly is so difficult here, but I think from my experience so far is that everyone in London is just so busy, and it feels like no one really has the time to date, yet they still try. or this could just be that no one wants to make the time to date me (lol) but there has definitely been a consistent pattern, so I don't think it is just me. there is also so many people in London and so much choice. it really is a numbers game, and you could be talking to a few guys and they could all be talking to a few and so on, making it even more difficult. I did go on a really nice date last night, but i'm trying not to read too much into it. I was supposed to be going on a date with Alex this week and another boy as well, but it's been radio silence. I could message them but i'm just tired. I'm tired of chasing boys. I'm waiting for a reply from Alex so i'm not going to bother with him, and I feel like there's just no use with the others. I do have another date with the boy from last night, so that should be nice. I would rather not date multiple boys at once, but again its a numbers game and its hard not to when you can all of a sudden be ghosted etc. I really want to move out but I feel trapped and moving out is so exhausting. I also can't really afford to pay a months rent and deposit right now. maybe I can find a long term sublet.

[dustvoid]

24.10.24

I wish I didn't get attached to people so fast. I don't really know what it is or what it stems from. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship for a while and I become obsessed with the idea. I catch myself thinking about all of these future plans and romanticising everything with someone. I know it is always just me doing it. I wish I could compartmentalise my emotions and seperate fantasy from reality. I think it mostly is due to the fact that I don't really have much going on in my life, and when I start to develop feelings with someone, they are usually the opposite. So they have other things to keep them busy and can go a couple days without talking, which is normal. I start to overthink really easily and start going over everything and picking apart the details. I can't tell if that is what is happening now. I like this guy but after the second date it just feels off. I can't tell if that is just me overthinking to the extreme or if that is true. usually when I have a gut feeling about these things I am right. I mean we have only been on two dates which is nothing. I guess I just want someone to be obsessed with me which is ridiculous. I mean total infatuation. but it is just not realistic, and I know that. and sometimes I think people are just too busy. Too busy to commit to anything or too busy to know what they really want. but is anyone really ever too busy? you make the time if you want to. so here I am trying to talk myself off the ledge and not overthink, but I wish it was easier said than done.

[dustvoid]

21.10.24

I can't believe it's November next month. I don't even know where this month went. I feel like I have hardly done much since being here. I'm still here but I don't know why. soon it will have been six months and I don't have much to show for it. I don't know what is holding me back. I honestly think it is because I am alone and sometimes it feels too hard. it should be the opposite but if I had someone or other people to do things with it would motivate me at least. but when it is up to me I just don't bother. I keep saying if things change maybe I will stay longer or I will see how it goes but how much longer can I say that for? I know majority of people say it takes about a year to feel really settled, so I guess I'm halfway there. I know just being here is an experience in itself but if I end up doing nothing and just working and that is it, it will be so upsetting. and I know I have to make the effort and make things happen, but it is hard doing it by yourself. I guess I have kind of made friends with some people from the netball team, but very casually. other than that I don't know where else to look. the thought of attending events alone just terrifies me, and I know it is very judgemental but sometimes it is not the type of people I would really mesh with that attend. I guess it's just not my people that go to those things, but at this point I know I can't afford to be picky.

the fomo of home is hitting hard now it is getting into summer. I don't know why I miss home so much when I was sad all the time. I guess because at least I had my family and some friends and now it just feels like I have no one and soon it will be really dark and depressing. i will try to make more of an effort. I know I will regret it if I don't and that's what I have to remember.

[dustvoid]

07.10.24

dealing with thoughts of past relationship.

Pros:

an intense but close relationship and connection

same sense of humour, made each other laugh

shared experiences

grew up together

were still able to be there for each other

Cons:

extremely toxic dynamic - would try to hurt each other

frequent arguments, misunderstandings etc

loss of identity

trust issues, insecurity

negatively impacted wellbeing

[dustvoid]

01.10.24

new month. feeling like I've somewhat got a routine going. feeling better about myself physically and mentally from trying to improve my diet and fitness. noticing slight changes! definitely takes time but there is more I could be doing. but at least im trying. went to a girls house on the weekend and just felt uncomfortable. felt as though I could have just not been there. it is hard being in a big group and not wanting to just insert yourself into conversations. that just isn't me. the one girl I knew didn't even speak to me so I figured there was just no point hanging around and left. I'll never be someone who is boisterous and loud with strangers. I wish I was but I also don't think there's a problem with that. I think it is relatively normal to be a bit guarded. I wouldn't say im shy because I'll always make the effort with anyone who speaks to me. I'm just reserved. I don't like feeling like I need to try really hard because that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I felt partly bad about leaving and upset, but realised that maybe they just aren't my people and that's okay.

I don't know why I still can't seem to get a second date with anyone. I saw this post from a guy that I went out with a few time over a month ago and I cannot tell if it is about me or not. something about once again being love bombed for a couple weeks and then being tossed away, which is odd because we went out at least 5-6 weeks ago, and I do not remember love bombing him. It could have been about someone else, and I kind of hope that it is. I don't want to think that everything is about me, but it also is strange to post that when I could see it. I have never been one to chase unless I really like someone, but even then it needs to be a two way street. I'm not going to go out of my way and force a connection with anyone, platonically or romantically. it is just an awkward feeling and it isn't worth my time or energy. so maybe I'm not getting any dates because im not chasing, but it isn't like they are doing the same to me? so I assume they are just not interested and move on, which is the same as what happened with this guy. I feel bad if that is how he sees it and im not going to invalidate his feelings, but I definitely didn't love bomb him and if he felt like I was tossing him aside he could've said something. it was silent on his end too. I'm officially tired of the apps and dating though. I feel too exhausted. I haven't even been checking up with Pat because he is seriously shocking at replying to the point where I probably won't bother at all next time he messages. he strikes up a conversation with me and just never responds. at this point he is actively ignoring my messages and it fucking sucks. I don't even know why he bothers either. so it's 4 months in and im feeling somewhat settled but also not really at all. I just wish I had more of a circle and winter is really going to suck without one. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

25.09.24

feeling okay. not as sad as I was. honestly just exhausted and need to get my shit together. need to stop making dumb decisions. not sure when it will ever end. I need to break this extremely toxic cycle of hooking up and casual sex. I don't think there is any correlation with my lack of a dating life, but I don't know what the issue is. I really don't want to be doing this in my 30s. There has to be something wrong me with me. I am so so exhausted of dating. maybe I just need a long break. But I can't help myself. I need the dopamine rush of a like. I'm tired of pointless chats with no substance that always die and first dates. I can't believe I have only met one guy where a first date has progressed into a second date. with the amount of first dates I've been on surely I should have had more than that? I really don't know what I'm doing wrong? that is what confuses me. I know I'm more reserved than others, but I ALWAYS meet people halfway and try to make sure to give what I'm getting from them, and I feel like that is the bare minimum. but I try to be outgoing and flirty. I don't think I will find anyone at this point. every week I keep saying im going to have a break from and I still somehow end up on dates. I might be going on one tomorrow, and I feel like one a week at most is okay. I just feel like im starting to go into them with the mentality that it is a waste of time and won't go anywhere. I didn't even want to go on this date last weekend and I could tell he wasn't interested. I didn't even want to go!!! I wasn't interested either but that is when it becomes frustrating. after this date maybe I will just delete all the apps for a bit.

[dustvoid]

14.09.24

I knew this would happen. almost 4 months in and I'm miserable. im on the other side of the world and im still spending Friday and Saturday nights alone. I could be anywhere and I think this would be my life. I don't know what it is. I just can't make any long lasting friends. it's sad because I do try, it's just never reciprocated. Im never anyones first choice. it really sucks. I hate that everyone else is so lucky and it's always me in the shitty situations. it's so unfair that someone like pat can come over here and already have a good circle of friends and then move into a fun house with people who like to hang out and now he will get to have the perfect experience. not to mention that I actually asked him to hang out this weekend which I never do because whenever I do the person is always busy and low and behold he was busy, then gave me a pity invite to a festival and then ignored me. im tired of him treating me like this and im just done. I'm not going to bother anymore with someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck. I'll just let him live his life and I'll live mine. it sucks because im just stuck in this vicious cycle where I can't rent a room without a full time job which I don't have and I can't find one. I don't know what im going to do after this job ends and im back to being unemployed. I'm terrified because of how expensive it is here. maybe I should just go home. I don't see the point of living here and being miserable and not even being able to find a fucking job with citizenship. I just need someone to give me a fucking break. I just want to live somewhere where I actually talk to the people who live there. I have lived in that many houses now and ive never had one good living experience except for maybe 6 months when I first moved out of home which was years ago. every other time its been pure shit and it sucks. I don't think it will ever happen for me to be honest and I think this has just made me realise it for real. I really don't know what to do. I guess I just have to wait to see if this job gets extended again while also hoping that I can find something permanent even though I can't even get an interview these days. it is all just too hard.

[dustvoid]

03.09.24

I still feel a bit homesick. I know it's only been 3 months, but I feel a bit burnt out. I think I need a dating break and to focus on myself a bit more. I was going on one or two dates every week for the last month or two and I'm just exhausted. I'm so tired of doing the same thing over and over again. maybe like everyone says, I'll find it when I'm not looking. I don't think I have any more first dates in me for now. they've become so repetitive that I can't even tell what's a nice date anymore. or I can't appreciate them. they are starting to feel like interviews, and I used to really enjoy dating! so the best thing to do would be to have a break for a while. part of me really wants to make something of myself here, and the other half wants to just make money to survive and live, and enjoy my time here, however long that is. who really knows what will happen. I just hope I evolve and don't stay in the same place. I really don't want to be doing here what I was doing at home, or I will probably go insane. if it gets to that I will just head back home. no point staying here to struggle and not enjoy it.

I didn't really think id miss home so much. I guess I just never appreciated it that much and felt like I was stuck, which I was, but I also love and miss it. I guess both things can be true. I don't think I could see myself being here long term, especially not in London. I couldn't be here for the rest of my life. I miss my family and I'm too close with them. maybe I am just built different, but I don't think I could live on the other side of the world from them forever. I miss my friends too, even if they are all off doing their own thing. I miss Emma though and my sisters. I miss going to the beach and having it be 15 or 50 minutes from me. I miss how small Melbourne is. London and the uk are overwhelmingly big. I miss my weekly pilates classes, and walks through the reserves and suburbs. I miss Northside and the funky little pockets of Melbourne. I'm sure I'll be back one day, I just have no idea when.

-H

[dustvoid]

03.09.24

things that make me feel content; freshly cut grass, the sun hitting your skin when there's a cool breeze in the sky on a late afternoon, dogs running up to you in the park, parents playing with their children, listening to the songs you used to love when you were 16, big tall leafy trees, silence when listening to the wind and the leaves rustling, the feeling that things might be changing but that's okay, being in a completely different place than you were six months ago, being comfortable in my own company and being alone, rewatching shows for the hundredth time and still having a laugh, the end of summer and the changing of the season, new beginnings.

[dustvoid]

31.08.24

I hate being shy. I feel like ive lost out on friendships and relationships because of it, and it sucks. I can't just change who I am as a person and my personality. I know I can work to not be shy, but can I really? is it really that easy to just switch it off? I feel like in my head I'm not that shy at all, I always try to match peoples energies and make conversation and asks questions, and I still get hit with that "you're really shy!" and I don't know what to do. I can't just magically fix it. I really like this guy and I just don't think it will work. we have had two dates now, first one he thought I wasn't into it when I was just shy and I feel like the same thing just happened again. its so frustrating because in my head I feel like im trying so hard to be open and talkative. I don't think it comes off as trying too hard because I still get called shy! most of the time I don't think people mean I'm actually shy, what they mean is that I'm not open and loud and dominant, and that just isn't me. I can try but I don't know if I'll ever be that person, even around my closest friends. it sucks. I wish I could just be different. some days it's my appearance, some days it's my personality, some days it's both. it makes me so sad. I just wish people would give me more of a chance. I know they aren't obligated to, but how can you expect everyone to be the same as you and to be loud and proud off the bat? ive come to learn that we are all different and I would never judge or write someone off to being different to me or different to what I'm used to. shouldn't that make things more interesting? its sad because I really like this person and I feel the butterflies and anxiety that you get when you like someone, but I already know it won't go anywhere. I'm just not what they are looking for and that's the way it is. I'm stuck in this cycle of boys liking me that I don't like back and liking boys that don't like me back. I guess it's just a constant cycle for single people. maybe it's easier for straight people. most of my girlfriends are extremely shy and have partners, but part of me feels like its probably easier for girls. it is what it is I guess. it always is what it fucking is. but its okay. in a short period of time I met someone who liked me and met someone that I liked so I know someone else is out there. in a city of 9 million there has to be someone. I don't think I'm being picky or silly for waiting for that spark, if I felt it with someone just now I know I can feel it again. maybe it'll take some time but I hope it will happen. until then I guess I can just keep doing what I'm doing. I don't think I'll be dating as much but I'm okay with being alone. or at least I'm used to it now, so I don't mind as much these days. until next time.

-H.

[dustvoid]

and during all of this I went out with Pat over the weekend as well and got a bit carried away... god boys are just SO confusing! I was so hungover and coming down hard from field day (which was such a fun but intense day, where I met these girls from Facebook, we all went together, did a lot of coke and md and one of the girls also did ket, K holed and was basically unresponsive) so I just felt mentally and physically exhausted, but he also makes me feel excited and nervous, the way I was talking about before. so whenever he messages me or asks me out I'm there. we went to dinner and had a couple drinks and it was quite clear he was out for a good time. I have no idea how I managed it but we got very drunk and went to a gay bar. we were dancing and Im very sure it was the alcohol but I also felt something. some sort of unspoken attraction. I still have no idea if it was actually the alcohol but we did make out a few times. I guess I just went for it because if I didn't I would have gone crazy and wish I did. and he kissed me back! if he didn't want to then he wouldnt have, but I'm not sure if it was because if it was me or if it couldve been anyway and he would have done it, because he was totally wasted. I desperately asked him to come for a cuddle but I'm also glad he said no because we were both too drunk at that point, so instead I pulled him in for a kiss outside the bar, which I NEVER do, and then that was it. we still havent talked about it and we probably won't. I like him but I'm just confused. I feel like he doesn't even know what he wants and I don't know if he likes me in that way, when majority of the time he refers to me as a 'friend'. I mean I generally don't get wasted and hook up with my friends but that's just me. and I'm not doing the friends with benefits thing. I feel like it won't be dealt with until one of us (me) brings it up, and even after that night I'm still worried. I feel like ive gone a bit boy crazy these last weeks and I really need to calm down. it's overwhelming! I don't need a roster, id rather not go one multiple dates with different boys every week. I want to have fun but if it could be with the same few people maybe that would be good. need to get my S2G!

-H

[dustvoid]

28.09.24

can't believe its almost September. the last couple of weeks have been a bit chaotic... after my last post I took myself off to Marylebone and had a wander around the high st, to a book store and into regents park and Primrose hill. I think this was the weekend before last. got my haircut (finally) even though he did it too short! started seeing this boy and I feel awful about it. he is so sweet and nice but I just don't know if I feel the same way. I really wish I did because it's everything that I really want if I'm being honest, but I just don't know if that spark is there for me. I feel even worse because I can tell that he really likes me. it feels so stupid to say but I know when I really like someone, I'm excited and anxious when they message me and I just don't feel that with him. I think personally that is somewhat an indication that maybe I just don't have those feelings for him that he has for me. I really don't know what to do. I haven't been in this position for such a long time. usually it's me and I get ghosted or rejected somehow. I guess that is usually after the first date. we have only been on two dates and I did agree to see him tomorrow night, I think that needs to be my decider. I can't lead him on and I know I can't ghost him either so it's going to be really hard if I decide not to see him anymore. its only 3 dates so it really isn't that big of a deal in the scheme of things but id rather not continue it if I don't feel it. even though the last guy I dated continue to see me for 3 months until he decided to call it... but that doesn't mean I have to do the same. I'm just so confused. do I just accept it and see where it goes or move on? I don't know what it is. I don't know why I can't feel it or why I don't. I met this other boy on Monday for a quick coffee and I instantly felt it. I can't explain it but it's how I usually feel when I really like someone or feel attracted to them. I was acting the way the first boy was acting towards me. I guess that's how it works. the vicious cycle of liking someone who doesn't like you as much as you like them and so forth. I really want to see the second boy again, I find him so fascinating! it made me sad because he couldn't tell if I was into him and I thought it was clear that I was, but when I thought about it maybe I couldve tried better. if I see him again I really will.

[dustvoid]

16.08.24

been a few weeks since my last post. time really is flying by I guess. took myself out on my birthday weekend to portobello rd markets and Notting Hill. tried to find some vintage sunglasses but failed... in London. work has been average. I just feel like I can't do anything right. can't even get a job and cant do the one I'm doing now. can't do anything really. I really think I'm one of those people destined for an average life, but I wanted more for myself. I thought maybe id have a chance here, but it's so cutthroat and competitive. I can feel the city chewing me up and spitting me out. I forced myself out of my comfort zone and met up with some girls from an Aussies in London post. i was the only one that showed up but they were the most loveliest girls, and it was just so nice to be out and be social. we went out to some pubs and just had fun! I had to move houses earlier than planned because the people I was living with decided to leave early, so that was extremely stressful. after I had somewhere the girl told me I could have stayed longer... I left anyway. where I am now is okay, I don't think it is anything amazing but it is clean and a lot cheaper than the other place, and its still relatively close to where I was. I wish I could have found a more social vibe but hopefully my next place. one of the girls invited me to her birthday catch up which was last weekend which was nice! I was wrecked from moving and got drunk very fast but still pushed through, although the pub we went to was actually awful. I have no idea why it was so hyped up and busy, but I just went along with it. it was just nice to be included! hopefully I'll see more of them.

dating has been.... disappointing. I have been in more dates in London than in my whole life which is good, but I am getting very tired of it. the same thing keeps happening and I don't know why. I said I wasn't going to do it anymore and then I planned two more dates, and I just didn't feel much, I guess that's how it's been for them as well. then I went out with Pat and bumped into the guy I went out with the night before... not awkward at all. Bloody Pat. he is so confusing. I know he just wants to be friends but sometimes I the signals are mixed and I can't be sure if he's just being overly friendly or flirting. I really like him but I know that he wouldn't want anything more, and I don't want to ask and look like a fool. I guess ive just been keeping my distance because I'm so confused and I dont know if I can just be his friend. I went on a date last night as well and I thought it went good, but I could literally just feel that he wasn't that into it as I was, and it sucks. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I know it is me. it has to be. how can I have gone on this many dates and they've all ended in similar ways. maybe I'm not outgoing enough? flirty enough? I feel like I match energies and I always try to be conversational and interested. at this point I'm not going to change myself just to get someone to like me. maybe one day someone will like me for me but until then there isnt much else I can do. I think I need to pause the dating for a bit though. I can't handle anymore rejection. I'm already getting enough from job searching.

I know soon it will have been 3 months and they say you need at least 12 to settle but I wish it didn't take that long. I can't tell if I like it here or not. I think I would like it a bit more with a secure job and a bit more of a social life, but it's hard when you come here with nothing. I am trying but I just need a break. I don't want to be here and be unhappy.