#i feel personally victimized by this character

[unequivocallyreid]

Why Didn’t You Tell Me?

it has been SO long... i was suffering from serious writers block but it think i'm finally out of it :)

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader

summary: Spencer Reid used to be your best friend, but things changed. How long can you pretend that you don't love him before it ruins you?

warnings: angst! (with a happy ending), smut (unprotected piv), character loss, mention of Maeve, very sad Spencer, mental health struggles, light choking, fighting, slight praise kink

wc: 8.8k 🤗

i’m very proud of this one! i hope you love it!

Every morning when you wake up, you feel a familiar and creeping sort of dread in the pit of your stomach.

Don’t get the wrong idea; you love your job. You love helping people and stopping horrible people from ruining any more lives, but the creeping feeling and desire to get out is always in the corner of your mind. Anyone working in this field would tell you that. There’s no absolute separation between you and the victims and their families. You take all of them home with you, and you just have to learn how to deal with that and not let it eat at you.

It doesn’t help that it’s an isolating job as well. The last time you were in a serious relationship was in college. Now, every date you have ends in disappointment. Not only do you lack interest in most of the men and women, but it couldn’t go anywhere even if you did. 75% of your time is spent in the office, on a jet, or hundreds of miles away from your home.

All of this contributes to the feeling, but the worst part of your job is Dr. Spencer Reid.

He’s secretive and dismissive and just about the most attractive person you’d ever seen. You honestly don’t know what is worse: his constant physical presence in your life or the fact that you can’t stop thinking about him no matter what you do. You’ve tried to get over it; you’ve buried yourself in work, lamented to your friends, and gone out on dates (all with guys that looked vaguely similar), but nothing has worked. All his worst traits grate your nerves and light you up at the same time.

The worst part of it all is that it wasn’t always like this. When you first joined the BAU nearly two years ago, you and Spencer got along well. You were friends, he talked to you about his life, he understood you, and you really severely fell for him. He became your best friend.

Everything changed around six months ago. Spencer started to develop migraines, and as those developed, he started distancing himself from you. He became snippy and closed off, he started hiding things from you, and he stopped talking to you about life outside of Quantico. It was like overnight, you became nothing to him, and you really didn’t understand. Everyone else on the team got the same old Spencer, but you went from his right-hand man to someone he only spoke to when it was necessary.

Maybe he didn’t deserve to be vilified. You know, realistically, he can and should be able to decide who he wants to be close to, but working with a man who unknowingly broke your heart was close to the hardest thing you’d ever done. So, you decided hating him was easier. The real emotions you feel toward him sit somewhere inside you, but they have been covered by manufactured distaste. Addressing the actual feeling would hurt too bad, so you pretend to hate the things you used to love.

Nothing, however, could have prepared you for the last case you worked on: helping Spencer save a girl he met about six months ago, a girl he loved. You tried to stay collected, you said nothing when Spencer assisted when he shouldn’t have, and goddamn, did you do everything in your power to find that girl. Maeve. She was perfect for Spencer, and you saw that immediately. Everyone did. The sight of him sobbing in front of her body is one that will never leave your mind.

Now, two weeks later, no one has heard from Reid. The only indication that he hasn’t abandoned his life altogether is the absence of the gift baskets on his doorstep that Pen leaves daily.

Nearly everyone has been to his apartment, but they are met with a closed door and have yet to receive a response. Everyone but you.

Penelope is the first to bring up your lack of appearance at the end of a long day of paperwork.

“Y/n, please, you just have to try. No one is getting anything from him.”

“I really don’t think my presence would do any good,” you pause for a moment, trying to collect the thoughts running through your head like a freight train. “Me and him haven’t been close in a long time, Pen.”

Before you can continue, she cuts in, “Everyone has tried, Y/n. Hell, I’ve even considered tracking down Gideon, and I really, really do not want to do that.”

She pauses for a moment before looking up at you with a pout on her face, “Please, Y/n, for me. I can’t bear the thought of him in there all alone, just wasting away in grief.”

For someone who claims not to be a profiler, Penelope knew exactly what to say to get you to agree. She’s the only person in your life who you told about how you felt, though you’re sure everyone else (aside from Spencer) knew: you’re shit at keeping secrets.

“Okay, okay, I’ll try.”

She nearly bursts with excitement, “Thank God-“

You cut her off before she can finish, “But I’m telling you, I’m not the person he wants to hear from right now. Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Yes, yes. I just want him to know we all want him to be okay.”

Before you can hurry out of the office to follow Pen’s instructions, she stops you and hands you a basket full of assorted snacks and fruits.

“Make sure he eats!”

The walk up to Spencer’s apartment is a hard one to take. The smell of his building hits you as soon as you step into the lobby. From there, everything rushes back at once. Memories of nights you spent watching reruns of Doctor Who or listening to him prattle off about whatever he last read assault you with every step. As you slowly make your way up, you start to question why you agreed to do this in the first place.

You feel a lot toward Reid. More than you should and less than you could. But all that care and feelings that are so close to love aren’t enough to make you forget why you’ve been trying to hate him for so long. He deserted you without an explanation and cut you off without a warning. You spent weeks (three months) crying over him like a love-struck teen. So, as much as you want to hold him and comfort him, you know it’ll hurt you to do so. Penelope sent you, with the whole team’s approval, you’re sure, to try to patch up a broken heart he got loving someone else. There’s a sickness in your gut, but it’s not enough to stop you from rapping your knuckles against his door.

“Spencer? It’s Y/n.”

There’s no response.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now, but I want to make sure you’re alright. Can you tell me you’re alright?”

Again, nothing.

You know he’s there. Despite your lack of communication, you know Spencer well enough to know that he would never leave his life behind entirely. That being said, your next few attempts at garnering a response are unsuccessful.

You decide to try one final time before just leaving the basket alone on his doorstep and texting Pen it was a bust.

“There’s a lot I don’t know about you now, and I won’t pretend to know what you’re feeling.”

You don’t exactly know where this is headed, but you continue on regardless.

“I know you’re in there, and I know you can hear me, and I know you’re hurting. You shouldn’t- I don’t want you to be alone right now, Spence. You can either unlock your door, or I can pick it, but I’m coming in one way or the other. You know I will.”

You wouldn’t, actually. It’s a last-ditch effort, and it’s met with the same silence you’ve heard on the other side for the past ten minutes. You’re about to turn to head back down the stairs when you hear the very faint sound of a deadbolt turning.

There’s no other sound or movement, and for a moment, you think you might’ve imagined the sound, but you try the handle anyway. It turns, and the door slides open. You take a step in.

“Spencer,” you call out to him.

You don’t see him at first in the mess of his apartment, but when you do, you feel a crack form in your heart.

Beyond the clutter of his entryway, you see his back on the couch. His frame looks smaller than you’ve ever seen it, and you can see his legs curled into his chest. You set down the gift basket by a collection of others on the entry table and walk over to him. Slowly, like you’re trying not to spook a lost dog, you creep in front of him.

His head is down, and his gaze stays trained on his knees.

You reach out your hand and lay it over his. He flinches but doesn’t pull away.

“Spence, I’m so glad you opened the door.”

You didn’t plan out what you would say, but ‘sorry’ feels redundant and useless.

You go on, “I’m here. I- I don’t know what to do or say, and I’m sorry that I don’t. I can get someone else for you. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

You wait for him to say he wants Penelope or JJ, but it doesn’t come. Nothing comes. You start to move to get up, figuring you could clean up a bit and try to make him something to eat, then go, but he grasps your arm before you can.

He looks up at you, and his eyes hit you right in the gut. They’re bloodshot and sunken but still beautiful.

“Stay. Please. I just- I need to know I’m not dreaming. I keep thinking I’m dreaming.”

His voice is croaky from disuse and breaks at the end, but it’s so heartbreakingly earnest that you feel your breath catch. You move from your crouch and sit beside him on the couch; your hand is still in his.

You stay like that for a long time. His breathing is shakey and uneven, and every so often, his body shakes with what you can only assume are sobs. You stay pressed to his side the whole time, thumb rubbing back and forth over his hand.

Eventually, you speak again, “I’m gonna get you some food, Spence. You should eat.”

He says nothing back, but he does loosen his grip. You push yourself up from the coach with a promise you’ll be as fast as possible.

His kitchen is nearly empty, and you hope he’s been eating from the baskets. Still, you find enough to make noodles and butter, and you figure the carbs should help his energy some.

You return with the bowl. Spencer hasn’t moved, but his head follows you as you walk back over to him.

“It’s not fine dining.”

He studied you for a second, and you catch a glimpse of the old him in his eye.

“You did the same thing when I was sick on a case a year ago.”

You smile at his recollection.

“It helped you then.”

The rest of the night is spent mostly in silence. Occasionally, you tell him something to try to remind him that you’re there and that you won’t leave as long as he wants you there. Eventually, you get up from the couch again.

“Spencer, it’s too late to still be awake.”

He nods and still says nothing, but he is far more receptive than before. You reach your hand out to him to help him up from the couch, and he takes it.

He leads you to his room at a slow pace. His head stays down as you both take a seat on his bed, hands still interlocked. Being in his bedroom is odd for you. You’ve been to his apartment quite a few times before he disappeared from your life, but you never breached this space. It’s all very him. Almost surprisingly cozy, with books scattered around nearly everywhere there’s space.

You take in the moment for a beat before saying, “I’m gonna head home, Spencer, but please call me if you need anything at all. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

This makes his head snap up, and his eyes lock with yours.

“Please stay.”

That’s all he says, but every part of him is pleading with you. It’s not a good idea, and you know it. You’re the only person he’s seen in days, you aren’t close anymore, and you don’t particularly want to sleep on a couch tonight.

“Spencer, I don’t want to sleep in your living room tonight. I’ll come back.”

He pauses for a moment, “You can stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone.”

Your heart cracks again. There was a time when this was all you wanted. It’s still, deep down, all you want, just not like this. You know he doesn’t really want you there and he’s not himself. But you aren’t strong enough to say no, so you don’t.

He gets you clothes to wear, and you change in his bathroom. You come out and find him in his bed, laying with his back to you. You have no fucking idea what you’re doing, but you get into bed next to him anyways. There are a thousand thoughts racing through your head, but the prevailing one is how badly you want to touch him, to hold him, to make him forget, just for the night. You stay still, though, confined to the edge of the bed and start to count to drown out the noise.

Though, you can’t drown out his voice, saying, “Can- Could you hold me? I think that everything feels better when you touch me.”

Another crack. By the end of this, you know Spencer Reid is going to break your heart all over again.

~

When you wake up the next morning, Spencer is still asleep. You sneak out of his room and call Hotch. When he answers, you tell him Spencer has let you in, and you ask for time off to try to help. You can tell from his voice that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he grants you it anyway.

Much of your day is spent like the night before. You stay next to Spencer, and you cook for him after leaving to pick up clothes and groceries. Then, you get him to shower and wash his hair. He sleeps with his head in your lap, and you feel like a fucking idiot at first, but as long as it’s helping him in some way, you let it happen.

That’s the thing: you don’t really know how to help him. You know he isn’t the type to talk about something until he is entirely ready, so all you can do is add something domestic and bright to his life while he grieves. It’s all you can think about in the moments of silence. Hell, you even read to him to try and get your mind off of it, but it barely helps.

The night is the same. You change in different rooms and slip into his bed at different times. You feel dirty for imagining what it would be like if the circumstances were different: if he wanted you like you have wanted him for the past two years. You hold him against you, and you pray for sign that you should be there.

The sign comes the following morning when Derek calls you.

“Y/n…”

You can hear his teasing tone over the phone.

“Hi, Derek.”

“What are you doing, mamas?”

You sigh, “What do you mean?”

You’re playing coy. You know he’s wondering why you’re at Spencer’s house, picking up the pieces, but you won’t be the one to bring it up.

“Why’d you ask Hotch for the week off, Y/n?”

Another sigh, “You know why, Derek. I just, I want to help him.”

“I know you do, Y/n, I know.”

He pauses for a moment, and you let the moment fill with silence.

“I know you care about him. We all care about him. But who is taking care of you?”

“I am. I can take care of him, and I can take care of me.”

“I know you can, but I don’t want you to get hurt, Y/n. Don’t let this be something that hurts you.”

“It won’t. I- You have to- Fuck, I’ll be fine. He’s not fine. I don’t care about me or any feelings that may get hurt right now. I’ll be fine.”

There’s another bear of silence, “Okay, Y/n. Just know you’re allowed to tap out.”

You try to think of anything else to say, but nothing comes, so you say your goodbyes.

You won’t need to tap out. You can take care of him and be good to him and ignore the other feelings you have. You can be good.

The call does make you think it’s time to push, to try harder, to help him get better. So, you approach him that day before bed, before he tucks himself into your arms and falls into a fretful sleep.

“Spencer?”

He takes a moment and then responds, “Yes?”

“You have to talk about it. I think that you need to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be to me but to someone.”

He’s quiet for a long time, and your breath is caught in your throat, waiting for him to say anything.

“I- I don’t want to,” his voice cracks while he says it.

“Spence, you can’t come back if you don’t. You can’t move forward if you don’t.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.”

A ringing echos in your ears.

“You don’t mean that. She- she would want you to keep going.”

Wrong thing to say.

“You don’t know anything about what she would want.”

He’s seething now, below the surface, but smoke has started to plume from his ears. Still, you don’t stop.

“Spencer, everyone knows that. No one would want you to put your life on hold.”

He speaks his next line through his teeth, “You don’t know anything, Y/n.”

You’ve never heard him sound so angry.

“Spencer-“

“No, just stop. You don’t know her. You don’t know me half as well as you think you do. You don’t know anything. I don’t even know why you’re here. I don’t want you here. You can't be what I need.”

The ringing in your ears is louder.

“Spencer, please. Just-“

“No!” His voice is raised now, bordering on a yell, “I don’t want you here. I want you out, Y/n.”

This has to be what shell shock feels like. The ringing, the tingle in your limbs, and the heat in your face. You don’t know how you are moving, but you are.

His voice is echoing in your head, or maybe he’s still talking, but you can’t tell either way. The only thing you can focus on is how Spencer sounded like he hates you and that Morgan was right about the hurt.

~

You spend the next day trying desperately to shut down the noise in your head. It doesn’t work. The day after is the same. And the days following that. You ignore calls when they come, you ignore the texts, but you can’t stop looking at your phone for a message from the man who fills your thoughts.

Spencer doesn’t call, obviously, and you have to sit with a pit in your stomach while you beg yourself to just get the fuck over it. Two years of reckoning with the severity of your love, months of watching him live happily without you, and it’s the three days you spent trying to help him feel incrementally better that floor you.

You feel like a dumb teenage girl with so much love and nothing to do with it. On top of everything, you feel selfish. Spencer lost the love of his life forever, and you’re nursing the worst heartbreak of your life because a boy will never want you and never has. Still, you send out prayers for him over and over. You hope you’ll see him in the BAU again, even if his eyes glaze over you. Hell, even if they look at you with hate the way they did two days ago. You just want him to function. You want him to be good and eventually be happy. You try to go to bed with soothing thoughts, but you end up with a mantra of his name.

You wake to your alarm and dress for work before you realize you aren’t actually supposed to go back yet. You never set a date to return. You wanted to be open as long as Spencer needed you. You’re supposed to be with him. You’re supposed to be helping and not tapping out. But you aren’t.

You have no reason not to return to the bullpen, so you do. You walk in and feel eyes on you. You wait for Morgan to call out to you, but he doesn’t, so you follow the feeling.

Your breath catches in your throat; it’s Spencer. He’s sitting at his desk, paperwork spread out, and he doesn’t look away from your gaze; he just holds it. His face is unreadable, and yours is definitely not, so you look away first. You don’t look up again until you reach Hotch’s office. You knock and hear him call out to come in.

“I’m back if that’s okay.”

He looks up at you, and you want to cry. You know he can read you. He has always been the best at it.

“Are you okay with that, Y/l/n?”

You lock eyes with him, “Yes, sir.”

It’s no use; he knows your tells and you aren’t being honest.

“Alright, conference room in five.”

Whatever he sees in your face, he ignores and takes you at your word, but there’s a warning in his tone. He knows when to let things go and when to push. More than that, though, he knows you’d never let something like this affect your work.

~

The first case back is in Maryland, and the one after is in Austin, and the next is in Philadelphia with The Replicator. The job takes you all over the country, and the cases blend together. You don’t speak to Spencer through all of it. You’re never partnered, never work together, you sit on opposite ends of the jet. You don’t even speak at Strauss’ funeral. It’s radio silent, and everyone notices it, but no one brings it up.

In that time, you allow yourself to slip away slightly. You don’t go out with the team, you see Pen at nearly half frequency, and basically, the only time you speak is on cases. It’s stupid and melodramatic, but you call it healing. Derek tries to reason with you, JJ sticks to you a bit more than usual, and Penelope calls you virtually whenever she can, but their efforts are mostly in vain. This is your way of protecting yourself. You feel like you have to isolate in order to improve, and you know, given time, you will come back to yourself.

Penelope’s insistence that you go to her Day of the Dead celebration breaks your distance.

“Y/n, please come. I know you aren’t going out, but you have to. I know you have people to honor, and I need you there.”

You sigh, “Whose going, Pen?”

“The team, which you are a part of, so you must be there.”

“I don’t think I can do that. I promise you I will celebrate with you. I’ll help you set up, just please don’t make me go.”

Penelope pauses, but the glint in her eye keys you into the fact that she is not interested in giving up.

“We miss you, Y/n. Everyone loves you and misses you. You’ve been living this stupid, isolated life, and it’s time for you to come back. You are not this person. I refuse to believe it. You’re coming, and that’s final.”

Maybe you don’t have the energy to argue, or maybe you know she’s right, but you agree to go.

~

The thought of seeing him makes your heart race, and the clock you keep glancing at makes it worse. Just a few more hours before you're trapped in a confined space (Pen’s beautiful home) with a man you haven’t spoken to in weeks.

You busy yourself with preparing. Lights are hung, food is made, and you make a trip to the store while Pen sets up her remembrance table. When everything is said and done, you can’t help but feel this is the most beautiful thing you’ve been a part of in a long time.

The first knock comes at 7:30 exactly, and it’s Hotch and Rossi. They are followed closely by Blake, then Derek and JJ. By 7:00, the atmosphere is light and loving, and you feel a bit of your anxiety let up as the minutes go by without Reid. But, eventually, the knock comes, of course it does, and you move into a corner as Spencer walks in. You feel a shift in energy, though you doubt it’s palpable for anyone else. Rossi is the first to make his way over to you, and his presence comforts you nearly immediately.

“How you doing, kid?” His voice is soft like he’s speaking to a scared rabbit.

“I’m better,” you say, and it’s about as honest as you can get. As much as you’d like to think he knows nothing about what’s gone on, you’re smarter than that. He’s the best profiler on the team, and he’s always known when someone was off with you. Even so, you are better than you were, even if you aren’t quite good, and you know he believes you.

There’s some idle conversation between you before he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not tonight. I don’t know when, but I will. Eventually, I will.”

It’s good enough for him, and you move on easily, which surprises you.

Right before Pen gathers you all to present your photos, he says, “Sometimes we think we’ve seen the whole picture, but we miss a big part. People do things because they don’t want to be hurt, but those things hurt them more. Just, be open.”

You don’t quite understand what he means, but you hope you will.

Penelope presents the first picture, which shows her parents. JJ honors her sister, Derek, his dad, Hotch Haley, and Rossi, Hernandez; then it’s your turn. You place down a photo of your best friend. You hadn’t talked much about her, but you think of her daily. She passed a few years before you joined the BAU.

“I was lucky to have someone that hurt that much to lose.”

That’s all you say, but it’s enough for you, and it would be enough for her.

Spencer is last. He places down a picture of Tesla and a picture of Maeve. Your heart is heavy for everyone.

The night dwindles from there. Hotch and Rossi say their goodbyes, and Rossi gives you a knowing look as he leaves. You just smile. You stay for a few minutes after, but eventually, you move to leave as well.

You make it down Garcia’s porch before you feel a hand grab your arm. You turn, and it’s Spencer’s face you see.

“Would you- Do you think you could come over? Do you think we could talk?”

~

The feeling you have walking up to Spencer's apartment is similar to what you felt the last time. You’re incredibly anxious, but at least you know you’ll be let in this time.

The drive over was silent. Spencer had taken the metro to Penelope’s, so he rode with you. It wasn’t necessarily awkward. There was just an understanding that the car wasn’t the place to begin your conversation.

Now, as Spencer unlocked his door, it’s one of those rare moments you felt starved for words, and you know it’s because you’re scared you’ll say the wrong thing and face the same reaction that you did the last time you were in his home.

He leads you to his living room and motions for you to sit, and you do. The two of you are on opposite ends of his couch while you wait for him to say something.

His first words are airy and light, “Thank you for letting me talk to you.”

You look at him but remain silent, waiting for him to go on. All you can think about is why he wants to speak to you at all. The last time you spoke, he made it incredibly clear he did not want you in his life or around him at all.

Before you can think about it more and let your anger and sadness build, he speaks again, “I feel really stupid right now. I kind of feel stupid whenever I’m around you recently.”

He pauses momentarily before going on, “I’m so, so sorry, Y/n. About the last time we spoke. I’ve been thinking about it pretty constantly for the past few weeks.”

You open your mouth, unsure of what exactly to say, but you can’t get there before he’s off again.

“I’m not sure how to talk to you anymore. I don’t think I’ve known how to for a long time. I just, I need you to know how sorry I am for speaking to you like that.”

He takes a shakey breath but keeps going, “That wasn’t me, and that isn’t how I feel. I’m just unbelievably sorry, Y/n.”

He stops there, and you work to collect your thoughts.

“I know. A part of me knows, at least, that you didn’t mean it. I just wanted to be there for you, and hearing that made me- I just- I think it made me hate myself for wanting to be there.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m unbelievably sorry.”

“You didn’t talk to me for months, Spencer. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why you let me in in the first place. I thought you hated me.”

He’s silent for a long minute.

“I never hated you, Y/n. I just stopped knowing how to act around you, and then I met Maeve. I fell so deep into it that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I- And I just started to feel like you didn’t want me to speak to you, so I didn’t. But, when you came here, after everything, I guess I just felt like you were the only person who would get it. You never, no one on the team ever treated me or talked to me how you did. I just wanted that.”

Tears had begun to well in your eyes now. A part of you gets what he means, at least about letting you in, but the other part is so confused as to why he stopped being comfortable around you.

“I don’t understand, Spencer. Why did you stop knowing how to be around me?”

There’s desperation in your voice that makes you sound like a stranger to yourself. Maybe you’re a stranger to everyone right now.

“I uh, I don’t really know.”

“That's not fair, Spence.”

You’re crying now. Just a little bit, but you can feel the wetness on your cheeks. You can see that you are by the look on his face. He looks broken, and you know it's a reflection of your own image.

You wipe your face, “Thank you for apologizing, Spencer. I just, there are parts of this all that I don’t understand, and if you can't explain them to me, I don’t think I ever will.”

“Y/n-,” he calls out your name like a prayer.

“It’s okay, Spence. You don’t have to say anything more. We talked, and things will go back to how they were eventually.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/n.”

You smile sadly as you get up to leave.

“I am, too, for what it's worth. For whatever I did to make things change in the first place.”

You leave it at that, and it takes everything in you not to look back as you leave his apartment.

~

Things do get easier after that. Not completely. You still love him, and it hurts, but it helps to know he doesn’t hate you. He talks to you some, cordial things, and you do the same. You're sure your teammates still sense something is off, but this works for you. Right now, it works. Getting over him, not loving him anymore, is going to take work, but eventually, you know that you won’t hurt anymore.

Shortly after you and him talked, you started going back out with your friends. Spencer joined periodically, but that was normal. Bars were never really his scene.

Tonight, everyone gathers at your local pub. Your last case was particularly grueling, and you all need a way to blow off some steam. It's fun, and you feel good, even with Spencer sitting across from you. You feel proud of yourself for getting to this point.

JJ and Penelope feed you drinks to try and get you to dance, and you let them. Tonight feels as good of a night as any to ‘get back out there’ as Pen says. So, you do. You dance with them, and you ward off the other cops and agents around you who try to pull you away from your group. You aren’t interested in that. Right now, you're just having an appropriate amount of fun for a woman 15 feet from her boss.

Time goes by quickly, and by the time you get back to the table, you, Derek, Penelope, and JJ remain. He tells you that Hotch, Rossi, Reid, and Alex left a few minutes before. The conversation between you flows for a while, up until the drinks loosen Penelope up enough to bring up what you were pretty sure the team designated a no-no topic.

“Y/n, you have to talk about it.”

You’re still laughing as something Derek said when you reply, “What?”

“You know what. You and Boy-Genius. What on Earth happened? You went from ice-cold to semi-friendly. None of us saw it coming.”

“Babygirl-,” Derek tries to stop her, but you cut him off.

“No, it’s okay. I have to talk about it at some point, and I think right now is the only time I’ll be tipsy enough to let you get it out of me.”

You're still laughing slightly, but the pit that's lived in your stomach for the past few months starts to rear its head.

“After your Day of the Dead party, he asked to talk to me. I went to his place, and he apologized. I don’t really understand what he said or what he meant, but I can’t be sad about him forever.”

Pen perks up a bit at that, “I knew that party would bring good things!”

You giggle a bit at her outburst, but then JJ asks, “What did he say?”

The faces around you all tune in at that. You know they don’t see this as gossip. They care about you both too much to trivialize it like that.

“He just said that he stopped knowing how to act around me, and he didn’t know why, but then he met Maeve, and I guess it didn’t matter so much after that. He was my best friend, and then he was nothing.”

JJ shares a glance with Derek and then speaks, “Oh, Y/n.”

“What?”

After a beat, Derek says, “He didn’t just not know how to act around you.”

Now you're confused, “What do you mean? I talked to him, that's what he said. He didn’t know why. I mean, he knows everything and didn’t know why he didn’t want to be around me anymore. How fucking stupid is that.”

You laugh again, but it does come off as genuine in the slightest.

“Y/n, he probably doesn’t really know why. At least not fully. For someone as smart as he is, the kid can be really stupid.”

“Stop being cryptic.”

Derek sighs but goes on, “Pretty girl, pretty boy was in love with you. Probably still is. He just didn’t think you’d ever feel the same.”

“No. That's not true.”

You look at the others around you, but their faces are serious.

“He loved Maeve. He loves Maeve. That, that doesn’t make any sense.”

It's JJ’s turn to talk now.

“He definitely did love Maeve, no one is denying that, but we all saw how he was around you. His whole relationship with her was safe. He couldn’t be hurt by her rejection every day because he had no way of seeing her. With you, he could.”

Your mind is moving a mile a minute, “Did he tell you guys this?”

Penelope puts her hand over yours and says, “He didn’t have to, love. We all say the way he looked at you and acted around you. The way he talked about you. That boy was head over heels.”

“Guys, I appreciate whatever you’re trying to do, but this isn’t real. Spencer doesn’t- this is not real.”

“Y/n, pause. Think about the way he acted around you, the things he said. Think about how Reid is.”

You hear what Derek said, but it all sounds faint like someone stuffed your ears with cotton while you weren't paying attention. All you can focus on are the different scenes running through your head, the scenes of your life with Spencer in it. How he memorized your coffee order and brought it for you every day, how he never shied away from your touch despite his aversion to contact, how he consistently went out of his way to protect you on the field. At his house after everything, the way he clung to you and wanted to be held. How he said in his own words, “You can't be what I need”; not “you aren’t,” but “you can’t.”

Your whole world is crashing down in this bar, and you can’t do anything to stop it.

“Y/n?”

JJ’s voice snaps you out of your spiral.

“Just go talk to him.”

You nod mutely, and you get up.

~

Everything in the last ten months of your life has led you to the exact spot you were when everything blew up in the first place: Spencer’s door.

This time, you aren't too worried about him not letting you in. If anything, it's the opposite. Him opening this door could open a hundred others, and you don’t quite know if you are ready for any of them. You sit there and sit there and sit there, trying to work up the courage to knock, though you aren’t sure it's there to begin with. Right as you're about to walk away and decide you’ll come back another day, his door swings open.

“Y/n?”

His face is lit up with shock, and you notice his hand that is not on the door is holding his pistol.

“What are you doing here?”

You don’t answer, “Why did you open the door?”

He sets his piece down on the entry table before responding, “I heard footsteps in the hall and saw they stopped here. I was anxious. 50.3% of home invasions happen between 8:00 pm and 7:00 am.” He cuts himself off there, “Y/n, why are you here?”

You didn’t pay attention to anything he said. All you could think about was the way his lips were moving and the way his eyes locked onto yours as he talked.

“Do you love me?”

That is not what you wanted to say.

His lips fall open as he takes in a sharp breath, “What?”

“Or I guess did you love me? Before everything? Because Derek and JJ and Pen, they all said that you loved me, and now I can’t think about anything else, Spencer.”

He doesn’t speak, but you don't really give him a chance to.

“I just, I know I sound crazy right now, but I feel fucking crazy. I keep going over everything in my head, and I have been, for the past year I have been, but now it’s all different. It's all different because they said that you loved me, but you didn’t think I’d feel the same way.”

Here, you do pause, but he still doesn’t say anything, so you go on before you can stop yourself.

“Because if that's true, Spencer, it's just- I did. I do. And if it's not, then please just tell me so I can stop feeling this way.”

He sounds resigned when he says, “Y/n,” and you feel like you know what that means.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I'm doing this. You don’t have to say anything. Actually, please don’t say anything. I don't think I can hear it. Just pretend I never-”

He cuts off your ramble, “Y/n, stop.”

You draw your eyes from the floor, look up at him, and find something in his gaze you have never seen before. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you, and it takes everything you have not to look away. His hand raises to cup your jaw, and your skin lights on fire. Before you can process what he’s doing, you feel his lips press against yours, and something clicks. At first, his touch is light, like he’s giving you the chance to pull away. But, when he grasps that you won’t, he presses himself to you harder, and all you can think about is how nothing has ever felt so right.

His lips move against yours, and you don’t know how you're managing to reciprocate because it feels like everything in your body has gone fuzzy. The kiss is by no means long, but it feels like it lasts forever, and by the time he pulls away, you’re breathless.

His forehead stays connected to yours, and he whispers, “I do, Y/n, love you. I have.”

You don’t feel the tears on your cheeks until he’s wiping them away.

“Oh, Y/n.”

“Did you know? That you did? Is that why…”

You trail off, hoping he’ll pick up on what you're asking, and he does.

“I didn’t at first, or I didn’t realize I was falling in love with you until it happened. I got scared, so I ran. I just never thought that you could feel the same or that I was hurting you. I didn’t realize that. I just thought I was doing what was best for us. I felt guilty for being in love with my best friend.”

“And Maeve?”

“I loved Maeve. I’ll always have love for her. I was trying to move on, and I thought I could eventually be with her and be around you without it hurting. I wish I would have told you this before.”

“You’re telling me now. That's enough.”

This time, it's you who pushes your lips to meet his. Your arms snake around his neck, and his fall to your waist. You follow when he pulls you into his apartment and closes the door. There is still pain on both sides, but you can feel it dissipating as you cling to each other. You’re just two broken people who have finally found a way to each other.

This kiss is different, hungrier. Neither of you pulls away for longer than a few seconds as you navigate your way from his entryway to his couch. Every touch is desperate like you're searching for something you never knew existed until now. His hands pull you closer and closer until he's pulling you on top of him, and each of your legs rests on opposite sides of his hips.

Your lips break from his for a moment, “What do you want, Spence?”

His reply is instant, “You.”

From there, things move faster. Your hands unbutton his shirt and push it from his shoulders while he undoes your pants. There are moments of awkwardness that come with exploring another for the first time, but it feels good. His hands trace over your hips and push further until you're left on top of him in only your underwear and bra. He takes you in like you are something to be marveled at, and you know your eyes reflect the same adoration.

You raise yourself off of him and work to get him in the same state of undress as you, and when you position yourself on top of him, you feel his length press against your center. The two thin layers of fabric do little to hinder the intensity as you rock into him. He lets out quiet moans at the action as his lips trace down your neck and over your collarbone.

His breath ghosts over you and makes you shiver when he asks, “Can I touch you?”

“Please.”

His hand moves between the two of you, and his fingers find your clit easily, rubbing circles over the fabric of your panties. You pant his name against his lips at the action. You feel like your whole body is lit up, and under any other circumstance, you'd feel embarrassed at how worked up you are, but you can’t seem to care.

After a few moments, he lifts you up and carries you to his bedroom. From there, he positions you below him on the bed, removing your remaining clothes in the same motion. The new setup lets you grip him, and he feels big in your hand. His fingers resume their previous assault before dipping down into you. You cry out at the feeling of him inside you, slowly pushing in and out, finding a spot that makes your legs start to shake. He’s relentless in his pursuit and all you can muster up the energy to say is his name.

“You’re so beautiful, Y/n.”

It's somewhere between a whimper and a whisper, but the sound of his voice causes you to clench around his fingers.

He picks up on this, of course he does, and quickens his pace as he coos at you.

“So pretty like this. I’m so lucky.”

You’re embarrassingly close already, so when he moves his thumb over your clit to rub circles as he fucks into you with his fingers, you come undone almost instantly with a warning and cry of his name. He works you through your orgasm, all while whispering praise in your ear. Once you come down from your high, you start to push his boxers down his legs, but he stops you before you can fully.

“We don’t have to do anything more, Y/n. I liked just making you feel good.”

“I want more. I want to feel you if you want that too.”

“Of course I do. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

“I couldn’t regret this, Spencer. I love you. I want all of you.”

It's the first time you’ve actually said those three words to him, and it feels so fucking good to say.

“I love you, too. God, so much.”

With that, he positions himself back on top of you, running his fingers over your slit gently before gripping himself.

“Do you have a condom?”

“I might somewhere, but I have an IUD, and I’m clean. I can try to find one if you’re more comfortable with that?”

“IUDs have a failure rate of around .05% and are largely considered the most effective form of birth control, so uh, as long as you're okay with it, I am.”

You smile to yourself at his statistic but nod, “I want to feel you, Spencer.”

He returns your smile before rubbing his length over your entrance a few times and slowly pushing himself into you just slightly. He teases you, or maybe himself, for a moment before fully entering you. You push your hips up to meet his, and feeling him in his entirety makes your jaw fall open. He’s big, and you feel unbelievably full.

He waits a moment for you to adjust before he starts to develop a rhythm. His hands are everywhere, but his eyes are focused solely on your face like he doesn’t want to miss a moment of your reaction to him inside of you. To be fair, you are probably putting on a good show. Every movement he makes hits you in exactly the right spot, and you don’t think you could be louder if you tried. You can feel the leg he’s not holding up against his shoulder shake against the bed. Your first orgasm has made way for your second to be incredibly close.

“Spencer, please.”

You’re crying out, desperate for a little more to push you over the edge.

“What do you need, baby?” His voice is tight like he’s not far himself, and it sounds better than anything you’ve ever heard.

“Harder. Please, harder.”

He takes your direction immediately, rubbing circles on your clit with one hand while he thrusts into you with a bruising force. He’s fucking you like he wants you to remember the feeling long after he stops, and you know that you will. Everything about it is overwhelming: his smell, his pace, his eyes. You are covered in him, and he is covered in you.

After a moment, the hand he had on your stomach trails up to grasp lightly at your throat, and you fall into feeling. You can’t warn him that you're about to come before you do. The feeling is white hot. Bigger than your first, and the fact that you're coming on him sends you into overdrive. You can feel his hips falter for a moment, but you're lost in a daze, crying out his name.

He pumps into you a few more times before he follows suit. He pulls out, and you feel stripes of his come paint your cunt and lower stomach as he finishes with a moan of your name.

He falls next to you on the bed, and it takes you both a few moments to collect yourselves and catch your breath.

Once you do, the only thing you can think to say is, “I love you.”

It feels like those are the only words circling around in your head at the moment. Some mixture of his name and that declaration. While you know you each said it before, that your profession was the exigence of the sex you just had, it feels uniquely vulnerable to say now. It’s like the moment you just had together could have changed things or made him realize that he doesn’t actually love you after all.

That shoe doesn’t drop, though. Instead, you hear the three words echoed back to you by a man who, 6 hours ago, you thought would never, ever say them.

You turn to face him, and the love on his face feels like it could knock you out. He’s looking at you and smiling in a way you haven't seen in a long time.

“Will you let me clean you up?”

You know that part of the reason he’s asking has something to do with the likelihood of bacteria growth or something like that, but you think it's mainly that he wants to take care of you. Him wetting a rag and running it over you feels intimate in a different way, in an excruciatingly gentle way. Personal in a way that makes you feel like nothing between you could ever be wrong again, and maybe that's naive to think, but you feel hopeful regardless.

Once he finishes, he takes his space back next to you in the bed. This time, he pulls you into his arms, and it's different than it was all those months ago. This time, you know that he won’t push you away and that you won't hurt yourself by being next to him. This time, you just tuck yourself into him, and you let him whisper sweet nothings into your ear as you begin to drift off. This time, it feels like peace.

~

The following day, you wake up to Spencer still next to you, looking incredibly soft in the early morning light. You search for a moment to find your phone in the piles of clothes and are greeted with a text from Pen.

How did it go????

You smile before turning your phone off and climbing back into bed next to the man you love. It couldn’t have gone better.

-

all done! yay!!!

i hope you guys love it!! i’m not 100% happy with the ending but i’ve been writing this for so long and just needed to be done.

this is my first time writing angst on here and my longest fic, so PLEASE tell me what you think! all (nice) feedback is welcome and i love to hear from you guys!! :)

[aftgficrec]

My Personal Favorite Fics EVER!! All Neil/Andrew

I hope I am doing this right! I just hit the share button on my bookmarked fics. Idk if any of these have been on here before (I have read a lot of fics and it gets confusing to know which ones I found on here bc there are so many good recommendations, or ones I found on my own. But these are 3 of my favorite fics that I feel like are the most well done!

• Everything's Alright by DarkD: This fic is unfinished but so worth the read!! It is a soulmates au, and in it Neil and Andrew are looking out for eachother since they are 6 and 7 years old. It completely changes their dynamic but manages to keep the characters realistic. I love the direction it was going, I hope the author finishes it, but even if they don’t what they have written so far is worth the read.

• If I Knew You by AceSirenSinger: This fic is soooo amazing!! It was posed pretty recently (starting January 2024 and finishing in May) and It shows a different direction with Aaron and Andrew’s bonding, and different reasons for them having problems with each other. It features writer/author Andrew and Law Student turned police officer Aaron. The writing is so high quality and it is a completely finished fic!! The writing to show the writing of the book Andrew has written alone is impressive enough to get you to read it. I love it so much, it also gives a more realistic approach to Neil’s life and trauma as well as gives you more of a perspective on the problems of Aaron’s life. (Even tho it’s an au and doesn’t show his life during AFTG)

• Deep blue ( but you painted me golden ) by Jeaneil_22: This fic is not finished but completely captivated my attention when I saw it. I was surprised I had not read it before (because I am obsessed with Raven Neil fics, and this is one of them) but then I realized it was posted within the last year or so. It’s completely underrated. It does have a lot of hits but the kudos count not being in the thousands is a crime against humanity. The realistic take on. Neil’s trauma and different things going on as he is still connected very heavily to the Moriyama’s is sooo interesting. And if you are looking for a fic where Neil is a victim of SA/Rape this fic is also a good one for you. (Though it does have a lot of trauma so mind the tags) I know a lot of people are looking for fics like that tho and it’s hard to find bc there is so much SA trauma in AFTG 😔

Thanks for the recs and for sharing your thoughts on the fics! Readers, all of these stories lean toward the darkest themes of AFTG. -A

Everything's Alright by DarkD [Rated E, 182901 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2023]

Previously recced here

Souls weren't meant to be left alone, so they split, always looking for their other half. No matter how long it took, the moment a soul existed, it sought the one that would complete it. The main indication is, when one of the halves of the soul turns seven years old, an identical mark appears on both parts. Along with that comes a set of unique abilities that soulmates can only use with each other—for protection, for finding each other. Soulmates would never be alone.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: child abuse, tw: torture, tw: blood, tw: gun violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: murder, tw: canonical character death

If I Knew You by AceSirenSinger [Rated T, 43145 Words, Complete, 2024]

Previously featured in this long andreil + aaron angst ask, our staff recs writers post, and as a random rec

Neil is imprisoned at sixteen years old for being the Butcher of Baltimore. Andrew obsesses, and Aaron obsesses because Andrew does, and everything goes wrong and raw and painful. Feat. the twinyards breaking each other’s hearts, and a decent amount of shade on the American justice system.

tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: recreational drug use, tw: implied/referenced violence, tw: implied/referenced torture

​​Deep blue ( but you painted me golden ) by Jeaneil_22 [Rated M, 163298 Words, Incomplete, Updated Sept 2024]

After the horrific incident that happened in the nest and the sound of Kevin crying, Nathaneil made the hard call and bargained with his life to get Jean and Kevin out, having no slight idea about the storm that was heading his way And after being missing for two years, Jean and Kevin swallowed the hard truth that Nathaneil might be dead somewhere To their surprise one day he appears out of the blue looking so much like their brother but nothing like Nathaneil at all Or Nathniel went on the run with his mother when he was 9 years old but three years later Nathan caught up to them and threw Nathaneil in the nest So we can say some things went a bit different .

NB: playlist for this fic

tw: dark, tw: gang rape, tw: dubcon, tw: human trafficking, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: assault, tw: flashbacks, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: abuse and torture, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: medication addiction and withdrawal, tw: recreational drug use, tw: nonconsensual drug use, tw: vomit, tw: homophobia, tw: canonical character death

[genoskissors]

My Ranking of Genocide Jack Sprites

IMPORTANT!: I love each and every sprite she has, so when I rank one low, it's still a 10/10, I just like the others more. Please do not misinterpret this as anything other than Genocide Jack appreciation.

Honorable Mention: Empty Eyes

- I cannot consider it to be an official Genocide Jack sprite, but this is most certainly her. The iconic tongue and eccentric behavior can’t be confused for anyone else but the glorious Genocide Jack.

12) Frustrated

- Looking as gorgeous as ever, it does bring some pain to my heart to see a lack of tongue. However, I understand the sacrifice. Hopefully her frustrations will be resolved soon, it’s nice to see a smile.

11) Agreement

- Nodding her head. It’s always good to see Genocide Jack coming to an understanding with her classmates. The bonds she forms allow her to open up more, revealing her complex emotions.

10) Agreement (Eyes Open)

- A step up from 11, as in this, you can see her eyes. They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Is Genocide Jack’s soul black, often associated with death, or pink, like the blood she happily sheds?

9) Surprised

- Due to her personality, she feels more silly than surprised, but not everyone displays emotions the same. It’s important to understand that the beauty of Genocide Jack comes in more than one form.

8) Enchanted

- While she is a bit riled up, she is capable of reaching higher extremes, but this lighter excitement is just as thrilling. She can’t help but hold her face to contain her dirty comments. It’s good to be comfortable.

7) Serious

- A calm yet stern sprite. While relaxed, the feelings her demeanor gives off do not disappear. She carries herself with dignity and bravery, in both expression and stance. It’s a good choice for her default.

6) Intense

- Someone’s pissed. I hope she is able to overcome the obstacle blocking her from her goal. This sprite also shows her tongue is longer than first suspected. It adds a lot to her design and I love it.

5) Smile

- This sprite oozes with confidence. The hand she holds up has killed 37 boys and men. Even without holding scissors, you can sense her strength. While introducing herself, she presents a huge smile!

4) Throbbing

- What is Genocide Jack if not a maiden who follows her heart? Her squinted eyes full of passion look beautiful. Whether it’s yaoi, yuri, or murder, it gets Genocide Jack all excited, it’s very cute.

3)🥉 Scissors

- Genocide Jack in her element, with her trusty scissors by her side. The predatory look and the positioning of the weapons puts you in the scared perspective of her victims. Her braids flow well here.

2)🥈 Smiling Face (Refreshing)

- A warm and wholesome sprite capable of purifying even my darkest days. A face showing not only a big smile, but a satisfied individual. The hands held and the slight head tilt add to the overwhelming charm.

1)🥇 Smile (High Tension)

- An undeniable classic. It’s power is simply unmatched when it comes to the most authentic portrayal of Genocide Jack as a character. It’s impossible to look at such a big smile and feel any sorrow.

[rosakuma]

Possible Parallels to Ace/Nico and Arei/Eden? Spoilers for Ch. 2

Okay so with the next episode approaching us fast, I wanted to get out this post that is something that could connect to the case via the similarities between Arei and Eden with Ace and Nico. This is a mixture of character analysis and theory through the eyes of Culptrit Eden view.

Note: Just because there similarities doesn’t fully cement that Eden is the culprit + I’ll be giving an interpretation on some parts that could be a possible connection. So take this subjectively 😋

Let’s get to our big meanies! To start out, let’s compare two of the biggest jerks of DRDT’s cast, Ace and Arei.

When it comes to their role as a bully to their respective target, both are different while being similar to their approach. Ace and Arei verbally bullyies Nico and Eden with insults or assumptions on them.

When it comes to Ace, his insults and assumptions are based off his own insecurities and paranoia on how others see him. While we still don't know what causes him to feel this way, we can see how this affects others like Nico and also bites him in the back with everyone hating him because of this.

Nico being the victim of these outbursts affects them hard to take things too far due to Ace’s behavior to them reminding them of unsavory memories in their past. Nico seems to had moments similar to what Ace would do of yelling at them for saying something wrong bluntly(though to them, they don't mean it in a bad way) or getting at them for either “Wanting Pity” or “Can’t defend themselves “. Knowing how Nico’s identity of being nonbinary has cause bullies to come after them with throwing rocks/mud at them or being accused of trying to get attention in a derogatory way, this is why Ace’s accusations towards them trying to get pity got to them hard. Enough to commit murder as while I don't think Nico before the killing game tried to kill their dad or any of their peers/teachers, I do think this reflects that Nico wishes they had power over them or maybe thoughts of harming them just to get back at them. Being able to have that temporarily over Ace, it was probably the first time they were able to take action back to others who treated them awful just for who they are as a person.

Getting back to Ace. Ace is aware of this behavior being too much when it comes to his anger, but still goes ahead with it regardless. Even though deep down, he wishes he both was and wasn't the things he claims Nico is. That someone would save him from this situation of the killing game/his self sabotage behavior and care about him. But he also doesn't want to let his guard down with being in this scary situation and refuses to let anyone talk shit to him to his face. That's why it hurt so much when his projection of this person being Levi was shattered the moment Levi reveals he does not care about anyone, including Ace who could live or die for all he cares. This is just speculation, but with this chapter showcasing everyone’s flaws or hints that there’s more to them. I believe Ace in a way like Arei, probably went through something to cause his paranoia on everyone thinking that he’s hot headed idiot and the need to “fight back” to show he’s not weak either. That no one really cares about him except for one person(Taylor) who’s presumably dead now. If I had to guess, it could relate to his talent of being a jockey in perhaps the competition would get to his head and knowing he can’t fail(maybe perhaps thanks to his family whether to disappoint them or fail to support them). Resulting in the Ace we know today as the hot headed all bark, but no bite jockey who doesn't care that his body is failing him as who’s going to care? He only got himself and he can’t go out until he dies on his own terms. He truly lives up to his secret quote of “I don’t know what to do with myself anymore” as he cannot figure out if he wants to just isolate and hurt himself in the process or to let others in to help him out and change this harmful behavior of his.

Going onto Arei, her way of bullying Eden is more out of a mixture envy and concern for her. Before we knew Arei was her manipulative self who would fake being nice and cry during ch.1 before revealing herself and started insulting others. After Min’s death in ch.2 we see how her feelings about what happened cause to her act out in this chapter.

When Eden was searching for her to have her join her clock activitity with her and Teruko, Arei burst out in disgust about this invitation. Eden confused as Arei wanted to join last activity, gets hit with Arei blaming her for Min’s death. For pretending to be all sad about Min dying, before returning to her usually happy self. Telling her that acting this way and trying to do these “friendship” bonding activities is just going to cause more people to die. And it’ll will be all your fault.

This pushes Eden to tears and she runs away. To where we get in the conversation with Arei, David, and Teruko that she reveals her world view. That thanks to her sisters, her life been hell. That she used to be a nice person who tried being kind to others, but that kindness was only met by hate and manipulative jerks who take their sick kicks out on her because they had more power over her. Arei had no one who cared about her or show her kindness, only those who taught her its a dog eat dog world and you better get with it if you want to survive.

In a way, her bullying towards Eden unlike Ace’s towards Nico is because in her own way, she’s trying to help Eden. Eden probably reminds Arei of her old self that she had to disregard to survive during her childhood to adulthood. She doesn't wish any actually harm on Eden, she just wants Eden to not end up hurting like she did. But at the same time while not enjoying making Eden cry over this, she does feel something towards her. Envy

Arei feels envious towards how someone like Eden can exist. That she can be kind in this cruel world and no one takes advantage of her for it. That she can be this way and not experience any hell that Arei did despite not wanting to always be this way.

This makes me feel the connection between Ace and Arei. Both are envious towards their victims with what they have that they never gotten. Both Nico and Eden have people who cared about them and doesn't think of them being less than who they are. They can be themselves in this killing game with no one taking advantage of them(well until I guess the David reveal but nevermind that). While these two are trying to survive in a terrible situation with their own survival instincts they develop to survive in the world before this game. Although Arei before her death was trying to break out from this, to where she was given a hand from both Eden and David. Arei wanted to change even if she thought she was far too gone too. To be a good person like Eden and David. Even when getting her view of them shattered with David being a crappy person, she was glad as she’s not alone. Arei is thankful that there is no bad or good person, that she can change to be less shitty as there’s no impossible standards to live up to achieve it. Though Ace never got to get this as he had no David or Eden to reach out for him, to realize that he may be a shitty person like everyone else, but he could change his ways.

Now you’re probably wondering “Where does Eden come into all of this?” “How does this possibly connects to her being the culprit?” The thing is since both our bullies here have connections in similarities of how they treat their targets and how both murders are similar in how they’re done. What about the targets?

As we established with Nico earlier, Nico was driven to murder Ace because Ace reminded them of their past trauma right? What if Eden did the same to Arei because she reminded her of her past? Full speculation on possible Eden lore based off the little tidbits we know.

Now I don't think how Arei bullied Eden was the reason why Eden would plan to kill Arei her especially since they made up. Rather I think the reason why Eden killed her is because of when they made up. Remember, this is just speculation, so take this with a grain of salt.

I think with Eden’s secret being “Ever since you kissed her, you were afraid your sexuality would ruin your friendships” is connected to Arei’s friendship towards Eden. Whether this girl in the past was actually Arei maybe during their time at Hope’s Peak or someone else, I think when Arei promised to be Eden’s friend brought back memories to her. To someone who promised to be her friend, to protect her, to do stuff with her like baking dumb cakes, and to be someone she could rely on. We can tell with how that secret sounds, it might’ve ended badly for Eden’s crush on this girl who she felt like she ruined their friendship with.

When Arei promised to be this type of friend to Eden for now on, it caused Eden to think back to her and that Eden didn't want to be attached to someone like that again. It was already painful enough to lose that person because of who she was, she doesn't want to relive what happened to her. So she rather cut off what could’ve been a beautiful friendship that has the potential of becoming more just to prevent the hurt of losing someone like that again. With being inspired by Nico’s murder attempt, Eden was able to have the idea to have her plan in action.

Along with this, I think this could explain Eden’s behavior throughout this chapter with how strange she’s been acting about Arei’s death during the investigation to trial. She does clearly care about Arei and wanted to be her friend, but she doesn't want to be too attached to feel regret. Maybe if Arei’s words about Eden being sad about Min and then returning to her cheery self means anything, Eden is trying to do that with Arei of showing grief for a split second before trying to focus on “solving” the case to avoid feeling responsible to her death. Eden does regret doing the murder if she is the culprit as shown how she is so hurt about how she could’ve been friends with Arei, how Arei wanted to change to be a better person, and that she doesn’t want anyone to think any less of Arei that she willingly killed herself. But unlike Nico, who was able to finally speak up for themselves and admit their wrongdoings of almost committing murder, to acknowledge that they are not the victim in this situation. Eden is instead hiding and doing what she always done, rely on others to help her because she is too weak to do so. Her fatal flaw that prevents her from acknowledging that she did wrong and isn’t the ideal good person that Arei looked up to. Unbeknownst to her that Arei already knew Eden wasn’t perfect as she seemed to be.

Also it would make Charles’ conversation with Teruko in thinking that the secret he got(Eden’s) is actually important to the case as tragic but also kinda funny foreshadowing.

Essentially to boil down the connections between both parties in a nutshell:

The bullies are individuals who went through a tough life that formed their way of survival and takes it out on those who they perceived weaker than them.

The targets have to rely on others to protect them or fight their battles(Nico doesn’t do this on purpose as Hu defends them whether they want her or not, but still it happens).

The murders done to the bullies were because the targets were reminded of their past, which pushed them to commit murder.

The murder method are the same with the pulley method and making it seem like a suicide.

The target’s secrets are related to their identity(Eden being a lesbian and Nico being nonbinary) With all of this being said, I think this is the best way I can come up with how Culprit Eden could work motive wise as one of the many reasons why people believe that she couldn’t be the murder is because of no motive we can think that makes sense for her to kill her new friend. Because to be honest I do believe that Eden is the culprit based off the evidence against her with most of the things(the tape, learning the method, the note, the clothes) connecting more to her than Ace. But only reason why I’m still not 100% sure in her being the culprit is the motive. But now if this is true, then this can cement that Eden Tobisa, the ulitmate clockmaker, is the murder of Arei Nageishi!

Anyways, this case can go either way and I just know we’re all going to be destroyed this Friday when the episode airs. One of our gays is going to be buried and there’s nothing we can do about it 🥲

[tater-tot-jr]

DRDT spoilers below the cut.

So I’ve heard some people have complaints about the new episode? In the interest of starting shit let’s talk about it.

To give the devil his dues, there is a moment in the chapter I find shaky. No one seeing Ace grabbing the tape is the only thing that gave me pause (frankly though it’s more realistic than the actual danganronpa games sometimes). I’m willing to deal with it, but if that’s a big sticking point for you then I’m not gonna say it’s wrong. If this is something that broke your immersion I’m not gonna blame you.

Let’s talk about some of the common complaints I’ve seen.

1. Ace’s character had so much potential! Him dying now is bad writing.

Wrong. False. Incorrect. Killing off a character with potential is not a inherently bad writing. Arei, Min, and Xander all had fuck tons of potential. I don’t see y’all trashing that shit. It’s part of danganronpa. Dev needs to make sure you won’t call their bluff, so they need to mix more disposable characters with interesting characters and switch up who gets knifed. All good fangans do this. Secondly, an inherent part of the tragedy of danganronpa is how much life these people had left to live. Them dying with potential is like… kinda the point. I’m starting to realize some of you forgot what you’re watching.

2. Him being the killer doesn’t fit the themes of the chapter!

This is silly to me. The theme of the chapter is people not being who they say/you think they are. All that glitters and all that. Ace has been viewed as a paper tiger for this entire series. Someone who would make threats and then back out when it got serious. He was assumed to be someone who’d step to someone who’d actually kill him and become a victim, by both the fandom and cast. For him to not just be a killer, but murder in a way that required planning, stealth, and a level of sophistication is very unlike what he thought of him. This is textbook theming that fits the chapter. Y’all just mad because you were tripping out about people “being a good person”. (Side note: I’ve seen people be frustrated with J for calling Ace too stupid for this plan, but she’s essentially making the same argument I am. Just in worse words. She was bringing up the fact that this entire plan goes against Ace’s perceived nature.)

3. Everyone feels so sympathetic for Ace but is so harsh towards Nico!

I actually agree with like… 40% of this argument. I think the harshness towards Nico is very justified and I’m kinda disgruntled seeing people pass the buck on Ace’s actions. This is because the emotions are still fresh, more nuanced conversation will come in time. It’s also because while their motives were both very human, Ace’s is more relatable for a majority of people. Nico tried to kill out of anger, they tried to kill because Ace was upsetting them greatly and they wanted that to go away, they tried to kill because they were reminded of people who hurt them and wanted a form of justice. These are all very understandable and human. Ace killed because he thought he would be next, because he was afraid of everyone around him and he thought they all had it out for him, he killed because he was afraid. Are you seeing the difference? Nico attempted to kill a specific person because they hated him. Nico wanted a form of revenge and to dole out a punishment. If that got them out of the killing game, wonderful. Ace killed very specifically because he thought he would be next, he didn’t want someone to murder him so he murdered to try and get out first. In this was, Nico’s attempted murder is framed as very aggressive and Ace’s murder of Arei is framed as very defensive. All of this to say, murder is wrong. It’s obvious why people are feeling more connection to Ace’s motive, but he still killed one person and wanted to kill a bunch of others. These actions aren’t defensible. His actions are his own, and while outside factors pushed him in a direction, you always have a choice. He made the choice to kill, and that’s on him.

4. No scrum debate! He isn’t the killer!

That’s unlikely. That lack of a scrum debate can be better explained by like… a bunch of different things. Dev themselves said that they have more responsibilities now. It’s very likely they realized the scrum debate wasn’t necessary and decided to kill a darling to make things easier on themselves. Maybe a scrum debate just didn’t fit in the chapter. Maybe there’s a deeper meaning. Maybe it’s supposed to represent how much everyone kinda ganged up on Ace until he broke, how he had no one to consistently defend him. There’s plenty of more reasonable explanations besides a crazy last minute plot twist. …That is also not entirely off the table though.

5. Teruko was so hypocritical for ganging up on him like everyone else ganged up on her during chapter 1!

Yes, she’s a little bit of a hypocrite for not hearing his side better. This is a fact. This is also a character flaw. Crazy to think someone jaded and disillusioned with the world would act like a hypocritical jackass sometimes, eh?

—

I would like to stress that 99% of the people are being fine and reasonable and you’re all great. However, there’s 1% of people whose arguments just aren’t good. I wanted to talk about that. Feel free to make some new arguments, or respond to my points. I’d love to chat.

[miquellah]

i think a bulk of comprehending tragic characters is being able to sympathize with them, obviously. it kind of really is as simple as being able to feel sorry for them, regardless of whether or not you agree with their actions and intentions. and if you can’t even manage that, then like. of COURSE you’re not going to get anything out of the tragic character in a tragedy narrative

and i think a lot of what blocks people from a lot of sympathy is like, choosing a party they sympathize with MORE, and only ever considering the acts posed against that party. but what’s funny about this with ER especially is that it’s NOT a direct line of perpetrator -> victim in a chain, but a web. and just about every single major character has both perpetrated violence, as well as been the victim of it

what, then, makes one party more worthy of that sympathy than another? not even redemption, just sympathy. what does it say about each person who picks and choose which parties are deserving of their own sympathy within the story, and not others?

[elysiumblue]

Pick a card - Loki's advice on how to improve your life 😬

I'm finally back to this blog. Shit happens in my life, so I took some time to deal with it, and I failed, so I walked away from the situation, which not only allows me to take care of myself but also gives me time to take care of you with some general readings. I feel Loki wants to provide you with some advice to improve your life this time.

As this is a general reading, please remember to take what resonates and leave the rest behind. If one pile doesn't sound right to you, you can pick another one, or more than one pile if you feel called to.

Also, this is just a tarot reading giving you some advice that can help with your situation. You're the one that has the control over your life.

👇🏻 Pick a color that you feel drawn to 👇🏻

(It may be a coincidence, but the randomly generated colors this time match the box of the tarot deck I am using for this reading, which is The Somnia Tarot by Nicolas Bruno 🥴)

And find the corresponding reading for you below!

Pile 1

I see that you may be dealing with tough situations that make you feel extremely isolated right now, or just left one recently. It can be tough family situations that leave you no choice but to be independent from them, or an extremely toxic workplace where you are being bullied. I don’t want to go into details of the situations because it's a general reading, and I also don't want to trigger people. You know what is going on if this pile is resonating with you.

Now, you see nothing good in the past situation, or the one you're dealing with right now that makes you feel you're stuck. All you want to do is fast forward to the future to see what the future can offer you. Loki admires that you have the clarity to see that the situation is indeed shitty, and have the honesty to admit it. Loki will be with you, offering you support in getting rid of the situation. However, Loki also wants you to be more grounded.

For some of you, I see that you're betting a lot on your partner, or a very trusted individual, to take care of you, and to create moments of joy in the future. Loki thinks that it's great for you to enjoy your life with someone you love, but at the same time, he wants you to be cautious and make sure that you're not building your whole life around them. Loneliness is caused by not having someone that knows you, and you have to take time to understand yourself, instead of spending all the time and energy orbiting that person. Their company can give you comfort, but it is never enough to fill the void inside you, if you're not putting effort into fixing the hole in you.

For another part of you, Loki wants to remind you to take time to discover yourself, instead of merely reacting to situations. For example, it's great that you have the idea to leave your toxic family. However, it shouldn't be your sole purpose of existence. You have so much potential, so much more than just the victim of the circumstances. You can develop hobbies, find your philosophy of life, create a network of people that can support your future, and more... You may not be able to see what you can do with yourself right now, but just believing in the potential itself is good enough to open yourself to receive more blessings from life. Otherwise, being too focused on the negative stuff will cause you to attract more negativity into your life, as the universe feels that all you want is more problems to solve.

Overall, Loki's message to this pile is to ground yourself and regain control over your life so you can be the main character in your own life. You are the only one that is able to build strength within yourself. Everyone else in your life is just capable of providing you with the assistance you need. Stop indulging in what others have the potential to do with you, what others are doing to you, or what you can do for others. It will burden you to a point that it can break you down. You can never fully control what others do. All you can do is focus on yourself.

Start acknowledging that you are strong, and it is just as important as any other person in your life. The past was screwed, and the future is never guaranteed, unless you have a clear enough idea yourself. Take time to think about what you truly want to happen in your life. Loki wants to remind you again that you are more than things that happened to you, so it is time to let things happen in your life for your own enjoyment.

Pile 2

First, I feel that someone who's reading this pile is actually considering if you should start working with Loki or not, and you may be looking at this reading to see if Loki is vibing with you. Loki wants you to take this reading as a sign that he wants to work with you.

I see that you are losing hope for life, because it seems that everything that has happened to you is terrible, and it feels like it will continue spiraling. For this pile, I see betrayal, and a fight with someone you care about. It may be a group with a really immature, aggressive leader, with mindless people that can do nothing better than following the leader like an NPC. The vibe I've got from it is a very stereotypical high school mean girl/boy bully type, like you have to please the "boss" or you get no friends at school, but it can also just be an indicator showing me how immature those people are. I also get a vibe of being stuck in a religious group, that has ideas you just cannot agree with, or even harmful for your mental health or sense of identity. Although you feel that what they've done to you is wrong, you don't want to leave them as they mean a lot to you. For example, your whole family, and even the whole community, is following that religion. Letting them know what you actually think, feels like a social suicide.

Loki acknowledges the suffering you are going through right now, and he agrees that those people have done you wrong. He wants to remind you to stop making excuses for those people, because it's a fact that they've done you wrong, and you're hurt by them. Also, Loki sees no reason why you have to limit yourself, or mold your thoughts for the sake of others, because theirs are not better than yours. To be honest, theirs are probably worse than you.

You're being put to a community that does not match your frequency, and it sucks. Still, it's a test to see if you're brave enough to be honest to yourself and support your own decisions, or waste time to become one of the NPCs following random rules. Loki suggests you leave that group, but in a peaceful way. It can be slowly disengaging from the group, fading away from their life, or just straight up stop showing up, because sometimes, people care less about you than you think, as they don't really care about you at all.

Loki ensures that you will find a better friend group that will be supportive of you and does not intend to hurt you if you start being honest to yourself and your own feelings, because there's a saying that your energy will match the energy of people who surround you, and vice versa. I can see that they may even have the potential to be your lifelong friends or even partners. For those who want to get rid of your existing religious group, Loki invites you to work with him. Loki ensures that he will help you bring better people to your life, as well as helping you to restore honesty to your life. He will make things better in your life.

There may be lonely times that you have to face if you start distancing yourself from the group. However, Loki wants to remind you that he is always here for you to go through the tough times. All you have to do is ask for him to be with you. He also wants to remind you that you are always surrounded by your spirit team, that are constantly protecting you and guiding you to a better path. Use the period of silence to stay tuned to them, review what you want in your life, and ask for their blessings.

Pile 3

For this pile, I feel that you are always the one who takes responsibility and leads others. You can see value in doing so, and you really want to continue guiding others to the better path. However, recently, I feel that you have a feeling that you cannot keep doing this anymore. It can be that the value of the team or company you work for doesn't match your vision anymore, or finding out that people are actually not appreciative of your efforts, or it can just be the stress and effort you have to bear is too much for you to keep doing this.

You question if quitting this position is the best option. It can be you worrying if you can get better pay from elsewhere if it's a job you're thinking of quitting. It can also be you worrying if it's too selfish for you to take care of your own feelings, sacrificing the potential of others staying on a better path. If this is the case, Loki wants to tell you that what you think is the best thing for others, may not be the most suitable thing for them. Some people just lack the energy to stay in a better place, and it's not your responsibility that they're not good enough. Attempting to go through others’ lessons for them, is the worst thing you can do, because not only will they not learn anything from it, now you have to bear the "karma" of screwing up their own lesson. If you don't believe in karma, then I still want to remind you that it's a waste of time and energy to try to make someone become a better person, when they don't have the intention to do so. If you're not the "fated one" to serve them the lesson, then you just cannot do it, no matter how much you care for them, and how much time you spend on them. Also, spoiling them will lead them to keep asking more from you, which probably explains why they're not appreciative of your efforts.

Loki wants to remind you that you're not born to just nurture others. You have to nurture yourself as well. Ironically, if you start taking care of yourself and caring less about how or what others are doing, it helps you to achieve your goal of being a better leader and taking care of others faster. It's because you've been blessed with a great vision that provides you with the charisma and leadership skills to be a leader. What you're worrying about right now is limiting your vision, and it's time to release yourself from it. As soon as the fog is cleared, you will see a new path that leads you to your destination.

[gghostwriter]

Entangled Strings of Fate

Chapter 8. Time heals (almost) all wounds

Spencer Reid x Fem!Original Character

Summary: Caltech, Pasadena - Cleo considers herself a woman of logic. With an IQ of 158 and an eidetic memory, how could she not. But meeting Spencer, the boy genius to hers, had her believing in intangible theories like the invisible string and the fates. Now, if only he would notice the depth of her feelings. Set in Caltech, pre-season 1 and will progress from there. w.c: 1.9k a/n: ngl i had a hard time taking this fic off of hiatus. There were some instances where I just wanted to drop it all together but i persevered so here we are, slowly back in the game. The updates would be irregular since I’m also working on other ideas behind the scenes but hope you all still enjoy and support. Comments & reblogs are greatly appreciated! previous chapter || series masterlist || next chapter

”If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” - Frederick Douglass

Change was a peculiar thing.

If Spencer Reid was to describe it from his own experience dealing with his fight with Dilaudid, he’d liken it to the well-known ‘five stages of grief’—denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. His progress was never a linear thing, there were days his emotion would swig back and forth within stages like some sort of pendulum. He resented it. It made him feel weak, resentful, and angry. At the world, at the people around him, and most of all at himself.

The first and second stages were denial and anger. Two emotions he regrets to know too well and deflect to others poorly. 

“Reid,” Morgan’s tone coming off harsh from restrained anger. “What was that? I just saw Cleo—” he pointed behind him towards the door. “—rush out and crying.” 

He scoffed. “Nothing. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“Yeah, well let’s talk about the elephant in the room then. Since when had you had those?” Morgan nodded his head in the direction of the medicine bottles left haphazardly on the coffee table.

“Since Tobias,” he shrugged nonchalantly, opting to go with a half truth and a half lie to try and throw his fellow profiler off his trail. Not that it would ever work with how tenacious Morgan was. “He must have slipped it in my pockets before his murder—”

“Murder?” Morgan picked up on his specific choice of wording. 

“—and its not like I used it.” 

A lie.

“Kid, we both know that was self defense and Cleo told me the truth, don’t like to me.”

Spencer averted his eyes, finding all the scuffles on his floor suddenly interesting. It was indeed self defense, he knew that, but Tobias didn’t deserve to be killed—not really. He wasn’t like the rest of the unsubs that they have hunted down. He was just a victim of bad fate and his own fractured mind. Inside, the real Tobias still saved him and for that he felt grateful and regretful that his way of repayment was made through by a bullet. 

“Reid, I thought you were getting better. What you went through was traumatic but this isn’t the right way to cope—drugs and pushing away probably the person who cares for you the most. This isn’t you, Reid.”

“Yeah well, maybe this is the new me, have you thought about that?” He glared at Morgan. “I don’t even know why you’re here lecturing me about keeping secrets and coping, we all their own demons locked up, don’t we? The members of the BAU aren’t really known to be the most trusting and forthcoming with our pasts. We brush the trauma all under the rug and hope it doesn’t catch up to us.”

Morgan sighed as his shoulder dropped, all the fight in him leaving. “Come talk to me when your anger has passed—” he stepped back until he was almost by the door. “—and Reid, let’s hope this isn’t the new you ‘cause if it is—” he trailed off, shaking his head.

As the soft closing of the door echoed through the apartment, Spencer felt relief. Relief in being free to do what he wanted without judgement and relief to unknowingly hit rock bottom as his trembling fingers reached for the sealed bottle of Dilaudid. 

———

The third stage was bargaining.

Spencer didn’t know how he got here. Here being the present without the two strongest pillars in his life, Cleo and Gideon. One he pushed away and the other, leaving him behind with just a letter to his name. 

The team felt incomplete. He felt incomplete. 

As a man of science, he didn’t believe in higher power or the cosmos but one late night, he found himself on the rooftop of his apartment complex, cursing the stars and bargaining for the past to come back to the present.

If the star placements that night were different, maybe the present would be too. If he had worn a different combination of socks, maybe Cleo would still be by his side. And if he had not separated from JJ, maybe he would be here—at rock bottom.

It was a place he never thought he’d be in. Did he really have 187 IQ for nothing? Was all those knowledge in his expansive brain useless in recognizing wrong decisions made? 

He sighed as he watched the sun break the horizon.

Another day powered with no sleep.

Another day of wishing things had been different.

And another day of missing the one he pushed away.

———

The fourth stage, depression, hit when he least expected it and with it, came an immense regret that threatened to pull him under it’s ravaging tides.

By definition, depression was a general emotional dejection and regret was the act of feeling sorrow. Easy to understand in wording but difficult to explain when both were cruising through his body.

If Spencer was to explain what both were beyond it’s dictionary definition, he would liken regret to a bone injury that was never reset right and depression to deep, self inflicted wound that had been picked on numerous times that caused it to scar permanently. He felt himself riddled with both—fresh and old, reminders of his inactions and wrongful judgement. The optimists would wade through it and wear their progress with pride. These so called life battle scars that lead them to a better future but he wasn’t one of them.

No, he carried his with such shame causing his shoulders to hunch further forward from the accumulated weight of his whole life’s misfortunes. The heavy, heavy weight of sorrow from not being good enough for his father to stay. Remorse from not being strong enough to carry his ailing mother’s load and having her admitted in a facility. Disappointment from choosing the easy way out of his drug addiction—lashing out and using behind closed doors. Heartache from pushing away the only person in his life that cared enough to be angry and concerned, Cleo—his constant, his number one supporter. 

A rhythmic knock on his door pulled him out from under the waves. Blanket draped over his body, Spencer sluggishly made his way to it—ignoring the hunger pains in his empty stomach. It was nothing compared to what his heart was going through.

“Spencer,” Garcia uttered as she took in the boy genius’ form in worry. 

He cleared his throat, rough from the lack of use. “Garcia, what—what are you doing here?” 

“Taking care of you since it’s obvious you’re not going to,” the tech analyst maneuvered her way through with a Tupperware on hand. She headed straight to the kitchen regardless his small protests.

Garcia worked fast in plating him soup and a slice of bread. If this were a normal evening, he’d feel grateful and enticed by the smell but this wasn’t so all he felt was an urge to retch. 

“I don’t want it,” he mumbled, shuffling further away from the source of the stench.

She sighed. “Reid, what day is it today?” 

The question threw him off a loop. What does that have to do with forcing him to eat?

“Friday. It’s just Friday.”

“It’s Sunday,” she walked closer until he was reaching distance. “I’ve been calling you and you haven’t been picking up so I took it upon myself to visit you instead. Now—” dragging him to the dining table. “—I need you to eat. Even a little bit ‘cause I know you haven’t eaten at all.”

He brought a trickle to his drying lips. It was chicken soup and if he didn’t know any better, it tasted familiar. Homemade, even.

“How is it?” Garcia asked.

“Did you make this?”

Her eyes widened before her hand waved in front of her face in jest. “What? No—no, I got it from the restaurant near my apartment.” 

That was a lie.

A lie that Spencer didn’t question. He had lied about worse things and he had no right to question where the soup really came from when he knew the answer.

From Cleo. 

Or at least it was Cleo’s recipe.

The thought of her still being part of his life, no matter how inconsequential, warmed his insides more than the chicken soup had. 

“Do you think I’m bad for taking those drugs?” 

She gave a brief pause, enough to have Spencer worry. “No. I don’t have the right to judge you on your actions but—”

“But?”

“—it’s sad that other people bore brunt of your anger, which wasn’t your fault but wasn’t your greatest moment either.”

“Do you think—” he downed the last few spoonfuls. “—she’d forgive me?” 

It was what kept him awake most nights. The thought of never being part of Cleo’s world any more than a passerby was a living nightmare he hoped to escape from. Losing her felt like he lost his own limb. It threw him off balance. It broke Earth’s gravitational pull to his self. And when he does sleep, he wakes with this fog that he never pushed her away—never hurt her like a phantom limb before he drops back down to reality.

She reached into her glittered purse, rummaging through before she found what she was looking for. “I’ve been keeping this with me since that night and I think it’s time I give it to you.”

The single piece of paper looked worn at the edges and its folds. It looked non-descriptive. It was the contents that mattered. That truly mattered.

Law Enforcement: Narcotics Anonymous

(555) 657-02149

  All hastily written in Cleo’s loopy handwriting

“Oh.”

———

The final stage, acceptance, came with a physical change in the team. A new old member was stepping up to the plate in Gideon’s place.

David Rossi.

He had been feeling like his past self for a while now. All in thanks to the support each member has extended to him. As he started his climb up from the abyss of addiction, he had realized that his team—Hotch, Morgan, JJ, Garcia, and Emily, were there to cushion his fall should be falter and as the warmth of daylight hit his face on the way up, he wondered why he decided to stay in the darkness for so long. 

Why he had to lose two pillars before realizing that this is where he belonged? That this is who Spencer Reid is—a paradox of good and bad, a person who chooses the good no matter his demons.

And although adjusting to a new BAU member would take a while, he felt optimistic that everything would turn out just right. That it was time to finally let go of self loathing and make amends to those he can, no matter what the outcome.

That was how he found himself penning a letter to the one person he hadn’t seen in months.

To the one person who mattered after his mother. 

To Cleo. 

Comments & reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[quoththecanary]

Wriothesley photo dump....

....because I cannot.

[seagreenstardust]

One of my favorite things about bkdk is how easily they fall into just about any AU

And Hori gave us so many to work with, winter and fantasy and pirates and steampunk and dragon riders and even band AU’s, and more and I just realized

It doesn’t matter what world you put bkdk in, it works because the chemistry is there in canon

[writterings]

the thing they don't tell you about most mlm romance books is that they fucking suck ass

[yandere-daydreams]

ok hear me out hear me out.. how about head knight! reader x pope!(?) suguru x king! satoru...

the knight who’s been sworn to her king’s side since she was a mere lass; she’s trained arduously since being appointed his special knight. her efforts were never in vain for her king parades her around like a mere trophy, whether it be curling his hands around her waist at soirées held in his name as he boasts about her with another glass of wine, or feeding her until she can taste bile in her throat, at his grand banquets. she was infamously known as his favourite, but it felt blasphemous to the pope.

how can a woman earn the title of a knight? it is undeserving, and dangerous. despite all her feats, there’s nothing she can do can change his mind about this.

to him, the knight is nothing more than a woman who must be reformed, and the king is a foolish man to allow these sacrilegious acts to continue further than he should’ve. yet that would’ve been true whether or not she was knight. suguru has been against your title as a knight even in his youth. unfortunately, he was unable to correct this.. behaviour of yours and satoru’s as he had to move away to devote his time to religion. don’t worry though, now that he’s back he’ll give you and satoru the punishment that you both deserve. (ignore that i changed povs at the end😭)

i hate to do this to you anon but i am NOT letting misogyny into my fun little au under literally any circumstances and unfortunately must use you as an example. i see your people and i respect them, but i am not connected enough to the idea of gender or heterosexuality to find it anything other then a little gross and therefore cannot allow it on my blog. c'mon guys. if we went two consecutive hybrid aus without a single use of the word 'alpha' we can do this.

[jaguarys]

One thing that really grinds my gears when it comes to the discussion of Rebels is the consistent misrepresentation of Kallus' redemption for ship purposes.

Kallus' redemption arc is not about Zeb. Yes, Zeb kickstarts it, but he did not make Kallus a rebel. And I find it so irritating when people reduce his arc down to "haha he fell so in love he switched sides" like please.

For Kallus' redemption to work, for it to be worth anything, Zeb cannot effectively be a part of it. The entire point of Zeb telling Kallus to search for the answers to questions he hasn't asked is because Kallus needs to see it for himself. He needs to realize for himself. He needs to realize everything he's been a part of.

And that's why I dislike it when people woobify him and turn him into this character who's constantly asking for forgiveness from Zeb. Because even aside from the fact that it's just weird to put Zeb in the position where he needs to constantly forgive the guy who was complicit in his planet's destruction, that's just not what the arc is about.

Kallus looks for the answers. And in the end he's more aware than anyone what he's done, what he's been a part of, and that it needs to be fixed. He's not a soft character and his redemption doesn't change that, it just means that he's changed his actions to be consistent with his morals. Zeb is not guiding him or teaching him or even present for most of it, and that's important.

[thrumbolt]

It’s not true that Feyre’s trauma only shows up in the spring court or that it disappears in the night court. Just as she only once when surprised freaks out at the red of Lucien’s hair, she only sometimes is triggered in the NC. The first time she and Rhys fly after she leaves the spring court, she panics when she feels caged by his wings and Rhys has to back off. Mor doesn’t wear red for a bit to not trigger her. Then there’s the whole Prison plot where she can’t handle the Prison the first time because of her trauma and even when she eventually goes in, she’s freaking out.

Her trauma gets better with time even though she is still struggling on acowar and obviously it’s not every second or she wouldn’t have spent so much time with Lucien and been fine with his red hair all times except once when surprised

Thanks for the anon! You bring up some good points, but I still have to complain haha.

My issue is that she is not just triggered at Lucien's red hair. She is also triggered by red paint and red rose petals....and then never again. Red carpet at Rhys' just a few pages after she gets 'saved' from the spring court? Whatever. Cassian's red syphons? Nothing. That's bad writing, in my opinion. Either the dang color red reminds her of blood and triggers her, or it doesn't, but how it is almost immediately forgotten - that's just inconsistent (it would be definitely much more meaningful, if it slowly improved). Honestly I don't really remember her having any hangups in Acowar at all. And neither has Rhys. He gets like what, one nightmare and one sex position hangup? I was really disappointed that it just....went over so quickly. Maybe that's why I latch onto Tamlin? At least his issues aren't gone after a book. They even get worse as he doesn't seek help. It's just more compelling to me.

My biggest beef in this regard is that Feyre gets triggered getting locked in, but the first time she gets taken by Rhysand and HE locks her in a room, she's totally fine, despite being actually low key scared of him at that point still and him not taking her home despite her asking him to. It just makes no sense, even with the added wing scene (which I did not remember, so thanks for that). I get that in the Tamlin version she is hysterical (for lack of better term) so it ends in a panic attack, but still.

There's also the part of how she has all these freak outs in the spring court while she is totally able to just literally re-enact her UTM experience in hewn city. Did that not bother you? Yes Rhys calms her and shit, but I couldn't help but eyeroll at that.

In the end I think it's just very manipulative writing to prime you on Rhys good, Tam bad. Spring Court lame, Night Court awesome. When SJM wants something to happen in the plot, it will happen, no matter if it makes sense. Be it the Tamlin-Rhys switcheroo, the UTM sexy scene, the pregnancy plotline, what have you. It's why every new book retcons something from the previous ones.

Personally, I can float with that and accept the silliness of it all quite well. But in consequence it also means I do not take the trauma plot as serious as some and I really do not care whether or not Tamlin is abusive and so on....

[utilitycaster]

I just want to say, that I agree with almost all of your Critical Role takes and you have 1000% better and more nuanced takes than all of Twitter and I greatly appreciate it! The takes over there regarding Liliana and the gods are just wild and you bring some much needed sanity to the content I see

Thanks! I hope you don't mind because I've been thinking about this re: the Twitter takes but the thing about Twitter and Liliana specifically that I've seen is that there's this really bizarre fetishization of like, the fact that she is a (white) southerner (this also weirdly happened for Birdie though to a much lesser extent, and the person who spearheaded that wasn't even American so I have to assume this is a specific corner of Twitter Culture At Large). And like, here's the thing. It's true that fantasy tends to be very British in its accents, and it's also true that accents in a fantasy world are used to convey the same things we'd assume in our world - RP British for educated, southern American for rural, Cockney for rougher types, etc.

It's also true that laying the exact socioeconomic parallels from our world onto, say, Liliana and Orym (who reads to me as non-regional but I, like Liam, am from the Northeast originally) is a recipe for disaster. Or rather, it's not, but it is going to reaffirm your own biases, some of which are dangerous to reaffirm.

There was a popular post on Tumblr a while back, probably not long after Trump was elected, of someone talking about how they were convincing a relative with the confederate flag towards socialism by appealing to the idea of "isn't in unfair how uneven wealth distribution is and how a small group has so much control" and a number of people were rightfully like "uh, maybe you should focus on the racism" or "hey OP ask your relative who they think that small group in control is because I'm getting a really bad feeling they're going to say it's The Jews." And I feel that a lot of the empathy for Liliana from those spaces feels like that OP. Or in other words: I get that you see your relatives in Liliana. Unfortunately, I cannot help but see me and mine in Orym.

You see someone trapped by circumstance and desperation in a dangerous ideology. I see the fact that I haven't gone to a synagogue in easily 6-7 years without there being a security guard present and usually, the doors locked with someone looking through the window to let you in, and then in the sanctuary there's been an installation so that you can quickly bar all the doors in case an alarm goes off or you hear shots in the lobby.

I think there's a great case for seeing yourself in Imogen, who is in a painful struggle with the fact that her mother does love her very much but is in dangerously deep and has done a number of incredibly terrible and harmful things. That latter point is important, incidentally; I get that cult members sometimes rise through the ranks but all but the leader are being manipulated. But the fact remains that a brainwashed person can still commit atrocities, and in this story, they have, many times over. It's especially true because like...sure, plenty of people are like "I lost my relative to a cult and I just want them back and I couldn't harm them," but also, as we've seen, this cult can and will harm Imogen! Plenty of people are also like "yeah I gotta cut them off, it hurts but unfortunately my horribly bigoted and violent relative, while a victim of brainwashing, is a threat to me too." It's not even the full picture of the Temult side of things, let alone the picture that includes the Vanguard's victims.

I also think the Southern gatekeeping is unhinged because it's like. guys there's QAnon members and other cults across the country; the Confederate flag example above was actually notable in that OP wasn't even Southern so you couldn't even write the flag off as deeply misguided heritage but rather was explicitly being used as a hate symbol. It's awfully presumptive to assume all southerners have the same experience (especially since the Temults are portrayed, physically and in accents, as white southerners, not that the experiences of white southerners aren't also incredibly varied). It's awfully presumptive to assume that people find Liliana threatening because they have no personal experience with people like her; often, it's because they have all too real experience with people like her, and it says something even worse about you if you can say "but you guys, I see me and my family in Liliana" when people are telling you that they see them and their families in Orym. I would not, personally, publicly admit that one's empathy extends to the people who remind you of your family but runs out before it reaches their victims. Nor would I publicly admit that I assume everyone who disagrees with me clearly has never had personal experience with this topic.

I should also note that, as I've noted a number of times before, that these are fictional characters and not real people. Twitter seems to be really fucking bad at grasping that. Like, yes, this is the other thing; I do not think that OP should kill their Confederate flag-toting relative, whereas if Imogen did so to Liliana I'd be like "hell yeah." The former is a real person who I do hope gets deprogrammed, just, you know, maybe adjust those priorities; the latter is a fictional character in a story.

[sad-scarred-sassy]

Good luck babe! By Chappell Roan is such a feylin song (tamlin pov)

When you wake up next to him in the middle of the night

With your head in your hands, you're nothing more than his wife

And when you think about me, all of those years ago

You're standing face to face with "I told you so"

You know I hate to say, "I told you so"

Your honor I rest my case.