#i feel nauseous and dying and i dont know what to do anymore

[genericventblogname-cockandballs]

I need a mfing drink and to sit out for a bit

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook:

Dont Play With Your Food

In which darkness drowns out the light again, and history repeats itself.

Tags/Warnings: HEAVY angst, Black Panther Hybrid!Jungkook, Bunny!Reader, hybrid trafficking, trauma, Dead Dove Do Not Eat

A/N: You all always want angst. Here you have angst.

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Bad dreams haunt you to this day.

You're stuck between other shivering hybrids, some young and some older, most crying or quietly whimpering to themselves- you included. It's dark, the steel of the trailer you've been tossed into together with the others rattling loudly with the movement of the truck driving somewhere you're not sure of. Everything smells like fear, so much so that it's making you almost nauseous.

You're desperately closing your eyes, pulling your ears down, but you don't wake up like you usually do. No- pulling your ears actually hurts. When you open your eyes, the scene is still going.

You're not dreaming.

So how did you get here?

It all happened so quickly. You've been slowly coming out of your shell more and more these days, an entire year after living with both Namjoon and Jungkook giving you the needed confidence and comfort to try and become more brave. So when Seokjin couldn't take on your regular checkup appointment, you didn't really have any problem going to a different doctor. Namjoon and Jungkook dropped you off at the Seoul Central Hybrid's medical center, promised to pick you up- but then, something went wrong, you name maybe got mixed up with someone else's? You're not entirely sure. All you know is that someone came to pick you up, yes- but it wasn't your owner, nor your mate, and in your still slightly tired out state from the local anesthetics, you couldn't really voice out the mistake to anybody.

And now, you're here. With no idea where you're going.

You don't know how long you've been in here- you know you've dozed off here and there because of absolute exhaustion, so at this point, there's no clear telling what exactly is happening around you. You're cold now, shivering horribly, even with all the other hybrids around you trying to include you in sharing warmth. There's a skinny penguin hybrid near you who pitifully tries to scoot closer- but he can't really seem to move his own body any longer either, survival instinct keeping him from getting any closer to you. The crying had also become more or less quiet and soft, most younger hybrids by now too exhausted to really complain vocally anymore.

You're hungry. Incredibly thirsty. You feel like dying.

Until the container doors open, and you're blinded, and too weak to really attempt at fighting back. You just let them pull you out by your leg, before you pass out into a dreamless sleep yet again- to awake back in a cage, back underground, history repeating itself again it feels like.

And back home, it's absolute chaos.

Namjoon has taken an emergency vacation from work and is currently talking to police for the second day in a row now- agitated that the search efforts lead nowhere it seems. You've vanished- no one wants to take accountability, neither the medical center nor the staff management there, and he also can't forget about the currently raging panther hybrid he still needs to take care of. Jungkook is pretty much ready to tear the house apart- he's more than just nervous, constantly jumpy at every noise, can't sit still, can't think clearly.

He keeps carrying your stuff around; clothes you've worn, stuffed animals you've scented, just to have at least a trace of you around at all times. He knows bothering Namjoon every second of the day isn't helping, so he tries to keep himself quiet. But he still can't help but listen in on small conversations his owner has here and there.

"What do you mean you can't do anything now?!" Namjoon barks into the telephone. "No, I realize that it's difficult, but- No, there has to be a way, try and contact them then!" He aggressively responds to someone on the line. "I.. alright. It's not like I can do anything else- yes, I will. Thank you." He sighs out, before he slaps his phone onto the kitchen counter, head falling into his hands.

He knows Jungkook is standing behind him. He can see him in the blurry reflection of the fridge, holding a green lizard plushy in his hand- one of your favorites, because it's soft, and it used to be Jungkooks in the first place before he gave it to you. "Did they find her?" He asks quietly, and Namjoon has to clear his throat to attempt speaking clearly.

"They found her collar in an empty container in Nagoya. The container had no valid identification, so it's assumed she's… been.. illegally shipped to japan for underground trading." Namjoon explains, waiting for his hybrid to say something- but he doesn't. So he says out loud what he doesn't want to hear himself. "They said right now, they can't proceed with any investigations. They have to.. send out requests, get permits for something- I don't know." He sighs.

"So she's gone." Jungkook silently states.

"She's not gone- we'll get her back." Namjoon promises, as he turns around; seeing his hybrid standing defeated clearly now, eyes dull and already swimming with emotions.

And instead of saying anything, Jungkook just.. leaves the room, and crawls underneath your blankets in your safety cage;

Surrounding himself with what's left of you for as long as it's still there.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

firestorm idea’s

feversick best idea ever (I feel anemic)

okay you know how firestorm usually is only Ronnie and stein?

what if mikhial (Russian guy from the firestorm 80s cannon) was also there?

And what if mikhial was also a linguist. I think it’d be interesting

also they are all kinda fused together they can change their form but that’s about it, when they split up they can’t be very far from each other or else they start dying.

also I’m aging up Ronnie to be 20, bc like then it’s not weird.

basically in this new cannon I’m proposing mikhial got kidnapped by anti-nuclear terrorists to translate, Ronnie was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and stein was manning the nuclear plant.

They get fused together as firestorm and promptly freak the fuck out because neither one of them is them anymore just this one guy and they are so confused.

Ronnie figures out transmutation by accident bc he can just.. see molecules now, stein is like “WHAT WAIT WAIT CHANGE THOSE AROUND” makes the fire into water, everyone is okay!

yay, but now these 3 guys are one guy and are so confused.

they fly up in the sky but yk they freak out.

firestorm mostly looks like Ronnie bc he’s the strongest of them all being Ex-football star, that’s why he was at the nuclear power plant he kinda just was going around since he was going to apply for a management position.

anyway they are in the sky super confused since they can all kinda see their hands and body but no one is exactly controlling it, it’s kinda a group effort and all that.

Ronnie is the first to speak out loud, and he just starts vigorously swearing. He basically just died and now he’s this fire guy???

mikhial also joins in and cries and swears as well and stein just starts sobbing.

firestorm is kinda just having a full on meltdown and mental breakdown, everyone inside is going through the 5 stages of grief since they LITERALLY DIED

and eventually they calm down enough to reassure themselves they aren’t dead and are alive and all that.

then they start screaming over being completely naked and having fire hair and also a weird ass core thing in the middle of themselves.

they get over that and just keep slightly sobbing.

stein is like “guys I know how to make clothes for us!” They make clothes that are radiation proof.

Ronnie brings up that his dad probably thinks he’s dead and they all panic

and Ronnie takes over firestorm for a bit, and heads home. He also thinks this is a bad idea and all that and kinda wishes they were separate. Then all of a sudden in a blink of red and orange light all three are separated again.

they instantly became nauseous and feel like shit but they are ALIVE AND SEPARATE PEOPLE YA-HOO!

Ronnie’s dad opens the door to 2 forty something’s and his son, he hugs his son and questions the 2 completely random strangers.

Ronnie steps in and says “these are the guys who saved my life and also offered me a job” wink wink nudge nudge.

they collaborate the story and Ronnie’s dad invites them in, they have a wonderful time and stein and mikhial go to leave but suddenly feel like their entire beings are being torn asunder at the seems and stop their way out and ask Ronnie to come with. Ronnie feels the same feelings and literally feels like he would DIE if they left without him follows him.

Ronnie’s dad reluctantly lets them go, since Ronnie lives alone and whatever these guys seem like good people and fast friends.

Ronnie, stein, and mikhial look at each other, and start talking after they are out of earshot.

“What was that. WHAT WAS THAT” “RONALD I DONT KNOW”

and mikhial is just having a panic attack, they all start hugging each other bc it feels nice and they accidentally form firestorm again.

they feel INSTANTLY BETTER, well rested and happy.

and just split apart again, they test what happens when they go apart and they start feeling incredibly weak and sickly again.

they do a few more tests and realize “oh fuck we can’t actually stay apart or we start dying.” They all start trying to think how the fuck are they supposed to work or do anything like this.

“So I think we should get a joint account”

“RONNIE!”

“No no, I think Ronald is right I think we should probably start living in the same house and going to the same workplace”

“I HAVE THINGS TO DO!”

“We all do but I don’t think we can live like we used to anymore, you know how it feels when we go apart!”

“Why are we holding hands, it makes me look like your son lol”

“Oh I didn’t even notice, your right why are we”

they try to not hold hands but it just feels better when they do

“Well okay now we look like weirdo’s”

“Mikhial! Don’t say that”

anyway they all end up crashing at Ronnie’s house since it was closest and also they had ZERO energy to deal with catching the subway to stein’s.

Ronnie’s place is very humble, it has a small kitchen, a couch, a tv, and one bedroom with a king sized bed.

they all look at each other and are like “no we are NOT sleeping in the same bed I will cry.”

Ronnie takes the bed, mikhial takes the couch and stein takes the floor in Ronnie’s bedroom.

mikhial actually hates being that far away and starts to feel sick again and just throws his hands in the air and sleeps on the floor in Ronnie’s room aswell.

the next morning - 2pm

they all wake up at the exact same time which was weird?

Ronnie checks the little digital clock he has on the bedside table and says to them all “hey so it’s 2:34pm do you guys have like work?”

mikhial looks at Ronnie and starts ranting in Russian and some other language Ronnie and stein can’t make out.

he grabs them all and they rush out the door still in their dirty clothes from yesterday as well as their shoes since yesterday was such a fucking disaster!

he fills them in that he had a important client coming in today, but was rudely interrupted yesterday when the terrorists kidnapped him.

Ronnie asks what in the world he does for work and he says “oh I’m actually a architect, but my firm would fire me if they caught me what’s it you kids say ‘slacking’ anyway we have to be there by 3pm or I’m getting fired”

stein asks “but aren’t you a linguist?” Mikhial laughs and says “yes yes, but I work at the firm because being a linguist does not pay me well, and I am out of linguistic work” he chuckles.

they all ask Ronnie if he has a car, he says yes but it’s really small a three seater. They all sigh in relief.

Ronnie grabs the keys and while holding stein’s hand rushes to the car.

he turns the keys and they are on their way, mikhial puts the directions in the gps and they all follow them.

mikhail tries to call his boss, but his phone is super broken.

Stein gives him his, and calls ahead.

it doesn’t go through and they all just hope they get there in time.

thankfully they are only 2 minutes late, mikhail rushes them all in.

the security guard is very concerned and confused, mikhail just says these are his friends and it’s okay they will play nice!

the firm is a very pretty building, there’s a glass staircase in the middle of the room with a elevator in the middle of it.

the whole place was made of glazed glass.

mikhail appears in his own office where his client is sitting, mikhial mumbles out a bunch of apologies and starts showing the client the new drafts.

”who.. are these people” the client says

stein and Ronnie are holding hands while mikhail is looking at the client “friends” he says.

the client is very confused but takes it, they talk for a couple hours.

Ronnie shows stein some memes, they catch up on the news, and play Tetris while they wait.

Eventually the meeting is done, and they all look at each other and sigh. “So, how are we going to make this work?” Mikhail says.

stein is like “oh yeah so everyone thinks I’m dead and you actually, they are also going on about this guy with fire hair?”

Ronnie facepalms “prof, we are the fire hair guy” “what” “yeah”

anyway stein ends up selling his apartment, and making a joint account with Ronnie and mikhail since he’s technically dead. And he updates his Will so they can kinda fudge it and all that.

they all decide that Ronnie’s place is probably not going to cut it, and mikhail has a place and seeing as he’s the only one with a job they all kinda agree on that.

Everyone is SO confused by Ronnie and stein, like is Ronnie stein’s kid with abandonment issues or something? Why are stein and mikhail always holding hands and are inseparable?

Like they moved in together it’s weird, stein makes the claims he needs to revive his identity at some stage. And tries to do remote work 👨‍💻 fails a couple times and then realizes he can just be a nuclear physicist at home Facepalm and doesn’t need to do weird odd remote jobs.

Ronnie has been learning about nuclear physics because he cannot go anywhere without the other guys.

and starts online school, they also form firestorm in between everything. Accidentally beat up green lantern, set a couple places on fire by accident, and get inducted to the justice league somehow.

and manage to have a semi normal life, until one day on a justice league mission.

they get split apart and promptly freak the fuck out, stein gets kidnapped and they all instantly start dying.

Batman, and Superman literally gape at the scene and cannot believe their eyes.

Ronnie and mikhail try to fork firestorm but they make a weird half firestorm and start going to grab stein.

Still in shock Superman goes after the villain who has stein.

stein almost dies they grab him and firestorm is complete again and they sigh in shear relief.

the justice league is super confused by the development but the boys finally just let down their guard to the rest of the league.

they kinda can’t believe that firestorm is actually three guys.

they ask for a salary bc they cannot afford to miss their work they live literally paycheck to paycheck.

they are like “nah” they insist on a salary. They get it the second time.

stein and mikhail learn about Ronnie’s dad being beyond abusive and horrible and kinda step in as Ronnie’s dad’s bc they already live together why the fuck not?

anyway a lot of crazy shit keeps happening, duplex tries to kill them way too many times. They become best buddies with plastic man booster gold and blue beetle (jamie)

Ronnie gets a job as a journalist, stein is able to get back to his work, and Mikhail gets to work as a linguist with the justice league.

They also die a few times, and accidentally fuse with a few other people, go on a legion arc, almost die again and the cycle continues

prev | current | next

[grox]

The world is so small. And everything will be gone, even that which we work so hard to archive. I wish I could put every singl human memory, every insigificant moment, the hisory of every single grain of sand, just lock it up in a flash drive that cant even be destroyed by the sun. I find it unfair that time, even on a scale so insanely wide that it literally doesnt matter to any of us, will be over. Every single thing will die. I find it hard to take comfort in this. I don't want things to end. The scale of human suffering and joy upsets me, the existence of every single thing upsets me. If every moment was worth a billion moments it would not matter. If immortality was avaliable to us it would not mater. I guess realizing this has shaken me somewhat. I'm very disillusioned about the 100% chance that I will die. I cant imagine myself actually dying. I cant imagine my friends dying. I've come to terms that I'll die a nobody, no human makes history in the grand scheme of things. But I cant comorehend that I'll sctually die. I'm scared of heaven, and even more scared of hell. I think, to not exist at all would be worse than hell. To suffer is to at least remain conscious, and even the worst pain imaginable, scaling eith tolersnce, is something. My greatest fear in hell would for the torture to be over. My greatest fear im heaven would be for heaven to be over. We dont know how eternal any of that is, weve only had it for as long as weve had ourselves. Even coming back to earth in a new body, or remaining as a ghost, if this awareness remains it will not be good. I'm having trouble finding a reason to even remain alive now that I know how completely worthless this is in the long run. I'm scared out of my mind because of it. My parents will die, so will my peers. Any suffering I give them with my death wont matter. I wont kill myself. It's a heartbreaking feeling to lose a friend. Its torture to not know if the last thinf you said to someone will truly be the last. Its horrendous. But that brings me to another point. Would me killing myself just be like ripping the bandaid off? What's it matter if were old and shitty ornyoing and shitty? I dont want to be old. I'll never find peace. Every action I take will add up. I can pretend the past self is seperate from the present now, but sich way of thinking is a poison. It'll get me whem I'm old, when I've either served my purpose or failed to do so. Every time I realize that earth is a planet I get nauseous in a physichal sense. Like I'm on a rollercoaster, I feel my stomach move. Part of me wishes to have been born a bug that inherently knows its born to die. A human has to learn, and a human wants to fight it. I don't want to fight it, but I can't accept it. I don't want to die in an accident, I don't want to die without people knowing. But I cant choose that, can I? Any time I leave the house I have to acknowlege it. Just the general laws of happnings. A murderer could break in tonight, and cut off my head. My house could collapse. Will anyone mourn me? What if my car crashes? What if a stray bullet gets me? What if my body realizes that it kinda sucks, and kills itself without my cosent? I don't want to die. I don't want to lose my influnce over things. The point of a living human is to create stories, and to have witnesses so their story remains. What will I do when nobody remembers me after I'm gone? Sulk about it? Kill myself? I don't know. I'd sure like to try. I don't care anymore I think I was just having a woman moment- no, elderly dementia atack. Get out of here

[autistic-ace-bee]

ask game: 13 23 31 34 37 ! pick whichever ones u want asgdfg

13: what are three things you did today?

I did the washing, I played valorant, and i did some pushups! I didnt really do much today on account of accidentally skipping school asdllsad

23: how have you felt today?

I've felt somewhat anxious today, waiting to get told off for skipping school but that never happened lol. I didnt get nauseous today! :D well actually i did but i think it was because i hadnt eaten yet and once i ate i was fine oh no wait that was yesterday askdkdk

31: what were you doing an hour ago?

i was playing valorant with my cousin! also i think i was messaging you. i was kind of going back and forth between messaging you and playing asdkasdk i was like i am dying but talking to you is more important askdks

34: are you a patient person?

not at all. I hate waiting, and it makes me anxious. So at least, I'm not patient in the sense that I don't like waiting in lines, or waiting for my turn to use the kitchen, or the shower, my turn in a game, or whatever it is I want to do. But with people I'm patient. Like if someone's talking to me about a problem or something I'm patient. But if it's not serious I do tend to try to hasten people and finish their sentences for them asdkasd so yeah, no, im very much not a patient person askdsk

37: did you have a dream last night?

yes and my god it was a wild one. i dont really remember anymore but im pretty sure people died. wait. i was forced to do something. i dont remember what but it was weird lol. i remember i woke up and messaged my cousin "bro i just had the weirdest effing dream" but never elaborated lol

and bonus! im putting a readmore bc it got pretty long and also personal which i dont mind lol but also wooooh mystery >:O

01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

honestly, I'm not entirely sure what made me start liking you! I guess its just because you were so easy and so fun to talk to. I love talking to people, but honestly its a lot of effort for me a lot of the time. The only people im really comfortable holding a conversation with at length are you, my cousin and my sister. and i felt that way with you after only a few interactions! i just found you so interesting and cute and sweet and kind and funny and awesome and just you are so great to talk to and we always have a good time together!

i remember like, it was the second week i had known you and i was in the middle of a soccer game and i just couldnt stop messaging you. my coach called me off the pitch and i just immediately grabbed my phone and started texting you because i just so much wanted to talk to you!

and one of my happiest memories is that day i had my first job interview, but its because that day was the first time we played 20 questions, and it was sunny and warm and we ended up talking for like 4 hours and it was just so much fun and i felt so happy and so present and i took photos to show you because i thought, yeah im comfortable with you, i want to show you! i love you and im comfortable being vulnerable and open with you.

that comfort being vulnerable with you was still a little thing then, and now im a lot more comfortable! like yesterday i had a therapy session and i ended up mentioning you because i was like. i know its stupid (in the sense of the immensity of my feelings about it) but not getting to go to that party really upset me and left me feeling pretty depressed for the rest of the week, to the point where i kind of basically wrote like a really long kind-of-poem journal entry where basically i more or less just listed all the things i hated about myself, but i was also like, if you like me there must be something worth liking askdkasdk anyway once i vented i was like okay thats out there whoo and then i messaged you looking for comfort and you were great and i felt so much better and my little depressive episode was over!

and i dont think thats ever really happened before. or like, not so quickly?? like usually when i end up that upset, i usually just cry and sleep. but this time i cried and then i was happy, because i got to speak to you and idk chemical shit in my brain go brrr happy chemicals <3333 and yeah in any case. you make me happy and thats why i love you <33

i originally wrote this as one long block of text but i went back and put as many line breaks as i could bc i know adhd brain is shit at reading long paragraphs askdkasda

[its-ya-boi-autumn]

Omg omg omg its me AGAIN. Idk how its possible but im in love all over again. I was thinking, like idk ive got so many ideas but like what if one day adeline is like 15 and she kills someone out of instinct, rage etc. And shes rlly guilty and chrollo happens to be in the same city/area n sees n hes gives her the talk??? Like "it is what it is". Maybe even helps her hide the body n evidence so his ex s/o doesn't flip? Totally understand if u dont wanna do 2 requests in a row, love ya xx.

I'm totally fine with doing two in a row baby~ I'm just a little slow is all 🤣 I've had a lot of social interaction going on today and then I came home and now I gotta fix my room so if this doesn't come out the same day I apologize 😅 (probably won't, I'm just super tired) Warning: abuse and violence

Adeline’s chest was heaving, her throat feeling as if she were breathing fire instead of air. Her chest and cheeks were colored an angry red and her legs were beginning to go numb. She couldn’t fall now, not when he was quick on her heels. Tears stained her cheeks, still falling from her eyes. The adrenaline continued to push her forward. To keep her running as fast as she could. The ponytail that held her hair up finally gave way, allowing her long black hair to block some of her vision when she turned around for a split second.

Danny was still too close for her to even begin to slow, his stamina almost inhuman.

A sob wracked her entire body at the sight and she nearly tripped. Her eyes frantically darted everywhere. Where could she run that would slow him down? Could she hide anywhere? Was there anyone else around? She had to find something to at least slow him down. Was there anything at all? Running straight through the pathway in the woods had proven to be a bad idea after she came out into a vast meadow of nothing but grass and dirt patches. 

“Adeline-”

“Leave me alone!” her voice screeched into the evening air, tearing at the tissue in her throat. She prayed her voice would be heard by someone. Anyone. Danny’s pace picked up, his arms quickly enveloping her, crushing her ribs.

“Adeline Lucilfer-”

“LET GO OF ME!” her fist reached up, coming into contact with his jaw and forcing his head up roughly. Danny released her, his hands covering his mouth at the throbbing pain he was probably experiencing. Adeline wasted no time to be proud of herself and began to run again, but her legs weren’t having it. The short time she had been stopped caused her muscles to relax and they wouldn’t cooperate anymore. Instantly, she fell forward, trying to force herself up again and keep going. She heard the deep groan of pain resonating in Danny’s chest. Her heart raced. What could she do? Her legs were rendered completely useless right now and there was nothing she could defend herself with other than her own two fists.

All the running she had done was starting to catch up to her too, her lungs having a hard time allowing her to breathe and her throat burning. Her body wouldn’t help her this time. She was sure she was done for. Adeline flipped onto her back, trying to almost crab walk away while Danny was still getting his bearings. When his eyes met hers, they were swirling with nothing but pure malice. He’d had enough.

“Adeline...” his voice was soft despite his hard face. Her own eyes grew wide, tears once again blurring her vision. The only thing she could actually see was Danny’s broad shape standing to his full height, strolling towards her slowly.

“No... no, no, no, no- Danny please, just leave me alone!” she opted to beg for him, hoping that some slimmer of his good side would show through, showing him what he was actually doing. What he was about to do. Danny didn’t seem to notice her begging or at the very least he didn’t seem to care. Adeline pushed herself up to run but she wasn’t fast enough. A harsh blow was received directly between her shoulder blades, forcing any air in her lungs out within a matter of seconds. She choked, falling onto her chest again. Coughing, she made another attempt to steady herself, but another hit was taken on her lower back. It didn’t hurt as bad as the first one, but the initial shock caused her to hesitate for just a moment too long. A rough hand snatched up her arm and suddenly her body was flipped onto its back. Danny dropped to his knees on top of her and she watched his fist slam into her chest.

Another hit.

Another.

And another.

Her face.

Her chest.

Her stomach.

Adeline was limp on the ground, her breathing becoming more and more labored as the sun set behind her. Her vision had gone completely blurry and she could feel the large bruises forming on her skin. He was brutal. Adeline was only 15, this shouldn’t of been happening. She should have listened to you. She should have listened when you told her to find Chrollo and bring him to her. She should have listened when you said to have Chrollo handle ‘daddy’. But she didn’t. Adeline thought she could protect you from Danny. She wanted to be the hero.

“Are you done running, Adeline?” his voice broke her thoughts. She couldn’t even bring herself to make eye contact with him, still watching the sun fall below the horizon, stars beginning to twinkle in the distance.

“Answer me.” the command shook her.

“Yes...” she tried to form the word properly but her tongue was too big for her mouth all of a sudden.

“Yes what?”

“Yes... daddy...” his sexualization of the word sickened her, but she couldn’t bear to be hit again. She might go unconscious if he struck another blow. He stood, taking her by the shirt collar and making her stand. She stumbled, coming across something in her jacket pocket as her hand fell in while she stabilized herself on her knees.

Her house key.

Hope pushed through her misery. She could put an end to this. An end to him.

“Hurry up, your mother can’t be alone for too long, not with that Chrollo guy running around still. Fucking scumbag..” Danny scoffed, turning to face her again. It hurt her to hear him call Chrollo such a thing. Chrollo had been nothing but sweet you her and you when he came over to see you. She wasn’t sure of why it was her specifically that he wanted to see, but that was probably what you meant to talk to her about today.

“Let’s go!” he ordered, waiting impatiently. Adeline didn’t move, thinking her plan out of how to end this man. This horrible, sick man. Her hand stayed within her pocket, fingering the key in thought. Danny’s teeth ground together, his feet stomping up to the young girl.

“Was I not clear enough? I said let’s go-” when he raised his hand to hit her again, he left himself open. Adeline slid the key out of her pocket and dug it across his throat. At first, she thought she failed as no blood even shown. What gave it away was Danny’s mere expression of surprise. An uneven white slit on his neck turned dark red as it spotted with blood. Then, it poured. The red liquid ran down his chest, leaving the man choking on himself. Adeline slowly backed away, hoping he wouldn’t charge at her in a spur of the moment. Danny did no such thing, solely focused on the fact that his throat had been slit. The fact that he was going to die. Adeline didn’t know what else to do other than watch him struggle to breathe. His hands covered his throat for a moment and wiped at the blood, pulling them away again to see the bright red on his fingers.

“You... you cut me...” his voice was weak and shaky. Adeline didn’t reply. She backed away more, falling onto the ground as her legs fell numb from running. She kept backing away from him, trying to keep her distance.

“Adeline...” he was trying to make her feel like shit, and it was working. What had she done? She just killed the man she called her father and for what? Her mother? Herself? She didn’t even know the answer as he crawled forward. She moved backwards, keeping her distance from him. Danny fell to his knees before her, hand outstretched.

“Why would you... why would you do this?” he kept going as if he didn’t know. As if he hadn’t been the cause of so many sleepless night for both Adeline and yourself. How was he not dead yet? He had to die soon, this was too painful for her to watch. Danny balanced himself on his free hand while the other tried to hold his neck closed, stopping himself from bleeding out. Faster, he scrambled towards her. Adeline held no mercy in her leg as it surged outward, kicking him in the nose. He recoiled on the dirt. Crying. Danny had never cried before, in fact, it was always Adeline and you who cried because of him. Nonetheless, listening to the man sob, helpless and dying in the dust made Adeline nauseous. She couldn’t take this, she couldn’t just sit her and watch him bleed out. But she felt like she couldn’t leave him alone here either. Dying alone was her worst fear. The knowledge of murdering somebody and leaving them to nature made her wretch up her dinner. Doubling over, she puked to the sound of Danny’s final sobs.

Her hands trembled as she held the key in her hand. Why hadn’t he continued to fight her? He still had a chance and he just laid there, surprised by her courage to go so far as to slit his throat. Again, her stomach shoved food up and out of her esophagus, a horrid stench clouding her senses. Her shoulders shook as she lay there on the ground. She didn’t even hear the footsteps come up from behind her.

“Adeline?” a gentle male voice startled her, making her gag on her own vomit. She turned, her eyes meeting Chrollo’s. His brows we’re furrowed, worry obvious in his features.

“What happened?” he kneeled down to her, ignoring her mess underneath her and behind her, curled up in the dirt. Dead.

“I... I can’t-” and she threw up again. Chrollo’s hands worked themselves into her hair, pulling it back for her to keep it out of her face.

“You’re okay, I’m right here.” he shushed her gently, his free hand rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort her shaking form. Another vile pool retched out of her mouth, hacking and dry heaving following suit.

Eventually, she managed to calm down. Adeline sat up and wiped her mouth with her jacket sleeve, quickly becoming disgusted with the action and discarding of the attire altogether. She wheezed against her sore throat, the tops of her lungs burning again like when she was running.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Chrollo didn’t even seem affected by the dead man right next to him, even taking a chance to glance at him. His eyes didn’t linger too long on Danny, obviously more worried about Adeline herself than anything. When his eyes met hers again, she couldn’t help but let those tears from before slip out and onto her bruised cheeks and chest. Chrollo didn’t push her any further, instead moving closer to her and embracing her. Every instinct told her to push him away, that she was a monster and that she didn’t deserve this kind of treatment, not after killing somebody. But her weakness didn’t allow her to fight back and she simply melted against Chrollo’s chest, sobbing and quaking. You always told Adeline that Chrollo was a sweet-tempered man, that he was always patient with you and with his friends. It seemed you had been right. He didn’t force Adeline to tell him anything, he didn’t shove her away or treat her unkindly. He knew she wasn’t a bad person and that she was in a state of distress. He had to of known that Adeline wouldn’t kill someone without having a reason. A good one at that.

“Now, Adeline,” he started, lifting her head up to look at him in the eyes. The same eyes as her own. Almost like staring back at her own reflection. It was strange, “I do want to hear about this, however we don’t have much time. We need to dispose of this immediately.” she could hear the urgency edging in his voice, but he still held a level of stability. Adeline nodded, pressing her hands into the dirt to push her body back upright. He followed her over to Danny and thought for a moment, hand on his chin.

“Okay, I’ll have someone take care of this here in a second. I’ll call him.” Chrollo was speaking more to himself than to Adeline, pulling out his phone and dialing a number before letting it ring. She didn’t hear the other end pick up, but it was apparently instant, as Chrollo began speaking to the other man. He gave him their location and the situation at hand, even mentioning his daughter.

At first, this confused Adeline. She wasn’t his daughter. She was Danny’s daughter... her brows furrowed and her arms crossed over her chest. What was he talking about? Sure they had the same eyes and the same hair, and even the same nose now that she really looked at him. You had never told her anything about Chrollo being your father.

“Alright, he’ll be here shortly-” he started after hanging up.

“You called me your daughter..?” she knew it was rude to cut him off, but she couldn’t help it. She felt like she needed to know, felt as if she had the right to know. Chrollo turned his attention her, setting his phone back into his pocket.

“Yes. I did. Y/n never told you?” even through the monotone sound Adeline swore she could hear the hint of pain there. You told her Chrollo didn’t feel much, but when he did they were pretty strong emotions.

“No...” it was the only word she could think of to respond with. At first, she didn’t know how to feel. She didn’t blame you or anything, understanding that she was young and you must not have wanted to confuse her. You may have even planned to tell her now. Then the reason behind Danny’s outrage hit her like a train.

She gasped out loud, her facial expression giving her away. Chrollo’s own features formed into a visual of worry.

“What? What’s wrong?” almost as if it was his instinct. That gave her even more evidence that he was truly her father. Danny never worried about her, but any slight movement drove Chrollo to panic.

“How long until that guy gets here?”

“Already behind you baby~” a deep voice sounded from behind her. Adeline turned around but was met with a stomach instead of a head. Craning her neck up, she found an exceptionally tall man with tan skin and fluffy grey hair. He smiled down at her.

“So this is Adeline boss?” he was addressing Chrollo, who nodded in response.

“Yes, she’s just finding this out as well. Adeline, meet Uvogin.” he explained. Uvogin made a face down at the both of them.

“Wait, you’re saying y/n never told you Chrollo was your daddy?” he kneeled down to her level, she could see his level of confusion even better now. She shook her head.

“Honestly, I suspected considering that my appearance is much like that of his own. Especially in the eyes and the nose,” she turned to face Chrollo who was also watching her, “and I looked nothing like Dan either.” she explained, finding herself being rather analytical. It wasn’t unlike her, as she grew she came to terms with the fact that she enjoyed learning and finding out new things. You always told her that she was intelligent. Uvogin laughed though, standing back up all the way.

“Damn boss she even sounds like you. It’s adorable. Anyway, where do you want me to put this thing? I assume this is Danny?” Uvogin wrapped his hand around the corpse’s waist, throwing it over his shoulder. The sight made Adeline sick and she doubled over again, nearly throwing up. Chrollo was at her side in an instant, holding on to her to make sure she didn’t fall.

“Sorry babe, I forgot you’re not used to that.” Uvogin turned his head away in apology. Adeline raised her hand to signal that he was fine but didn’t turn around for another minute or so, Chrollo soothing her the whole time. She felt dizzy when she met Uvogin’s eyes. The little names her called her were of some comfort, considering this must have been Chrollo’s–her father’s–friend. 

“Well, I’ll just take it with me so you two can have your moment or whatever. Tell her everything.” Uvogin sent a finger gun Chrollo’s way and sprinted off, leaving the Chrollo and Adeline alone. She was felt slightly perturbed by Uvogin’s absences, it was so quick.

And tell her everything is just what Chrollo did.

Chrollo told her about how he made you leave in an effort to keep you safe. He told her about his background, about the troupe, about you. About how much he missed you. About how badly he wanted to see Adeline born but he couldn’t because he was too far out. Adeline didn’t interrupt with anything, though she still had so many questions, but he kept going. He must have wanted to enforce as much trust in her as he could. It was working.

“I’m sorry for not being there and I’m even more apologetic for driving your mother away, it was for her safety...” his eyes never left hers.

“I understand, and mom does too. She was just upset.” Adeline accepted this apology even though she felt like he shouldn’t even be apologizing. It wasn’t his fault. He was just trying to protect you the best way he could think of. Chrollo let out a breath she didn’t know he was holding.

“Now, please, explain to me why you killed Danny?” there was no filter. It made Adeline’s stomach churn at the thought, the feeling of the house key tearing through his skin. She took a deep breath.

“I think mom was going to explain everything to me,” her voice had become shaky. She sat on the ground and curled into herself to gain some comfort as Chrollo followed, an arm draping over her shoulders and keeping her close, “and I think Danny somehow found out... and got upset about it. He liked when I called him ‘daddy’ almost in a like sexual way...” she tried to explain without crying but the word was almost triggering. She hated the way he’d make her use it. He become irrationally upset with her if she called him dad instead of daddy. It was disgusting...

“And I don’t know why... I think he... he just...” she was desperately trying to think of her next words. What could she say next? How should this all go? Chrollo was patient with her the whole time, never getting upset with her or scoffing. He just listened. She was so confused on everything that had just happened and the fact that it all happened so quickly.

“I don’t know, all I remember was that mom said she was going to talk to me and then I went in my room for like 5 minutes and then I heard her screaming,” she sniffled, not able to hold back her tears again. Her head fell into her knees for a few minutes before coming back up to take a deep breath, “and a loud bang against the-the counter. Dan was yelling at her about something, I can’t remember. So I went down to see her and make sure he didn’t hit her like I thought he did, but he did. Chrollo he hurt her...” Adeline was full on sobbing again, feeling another round of bile ease it’s way into her mouth. Chrollo’s grip on her tightened and he rocked her, letting one of his hands rub her arm. She laid her head on his shoulder and he rested his chin on her temple.

“Is she okay now?”

“I don’t know. She told me to just go and get help but instead I got upset and threw the pan she was cooking with at him. Obviously he got mad and started chasing me, so I tried to defend myself as best I could and-”

“It’s okay, I understand. It’s alright...” he continued his motions, keeping her at bay from breaking.

“Do you think you can take me to y/n?” Chrollo asked after Adeline had calmed down. She nodded, standing again.

“Yeah, I wanna make sure she’s okay after all of that. He didn’t get to hurt her too bad that I knew of.” she wiped the tears away with her hand, searching for her jacket somewhere. She found it next to a bush along with her bloody house key. Picking both items up she led Chrollo home, hoping to find you there, okay and at the very least, resting.

[concentrateandpush]

Unexpected delivery/ies

"Baby, baby can you wake up?" I nudge my husband awake as he shrugs it off and turns over. "Fuck" I moan as I arch my back and pant, what's going on? My period is super late, like mega late.. but I've never had cramps like this before, plus I'm used to having weird periods.. it just seems, different.

I get up, walk to the bathroom and run a bath, I'm sure water will soothe whatever is happening. I lower myself in to the tub and watch the water move as I take up nearly all of the bath, I've always been plus size but recently I feel like I've filled out some more. I lay back and feel the water soothe my stomach and lower back but then it strikes again.

My toes curl at the bottom of the bath, I hold on to the sides as I brace myself, I don’t understand what's happening, the pain is so bad I allow myself a little moan out, it's higher pitch than I anticipated. "Zack, ZACK!" I shout knowing that he must have heard me. "What's wrong?" He shouts back from the bedroom. "I need you, quickly, I'm in the bath" I shout, the strain making my voice sound louder.

He's heavy footed and I hear him stomp across the landing, fast. "What is it?" He asks as he kneels next to me. "Somethings happening, my stomach is in half, my back is cramped and I just feel like I need to scream" I say in a panicked voice. "Okay, okay Luc, you're okay" he says. I've always had a high pain tolerance, so for me to cry and scream he knows something is up. "I'm going to get my phone, wait here" he says as he runs off.

"Okay, ambulance is coming, just stay with me" he announces from the bedroom. I have no idea what is going on, neither does he, but I think I might be dying. My pussy feels like I've been having rough sex all night, it just aches and there’s so much pressure. I'm boiling hot and sweating even though I ran a cold bath, the cold just seems to make the pain worse.. but I know I cant sit in hot water.

"Get out, something is wrong, get on the bed" Zack says, his voice sounding scared, I'm in so much pain. I get up and struggle to get to the bed, I lay down on my back and put the fan on. "Zack, I'm dying" I cry as I hold his face, "please, just look after yourself, I love you so much" he stops me and strokes my face "You're going to be fine, sweetheart, could you be pregnant?" He asks softly as I do the math.

I take out my phone calendar and work out the dates. Fuck, I'm pregnant. I look at him and my eyes are enough for him to know the answer. "You're having a baby?" He smiles as he reaches for me "Were having a baby?" He jumps and cheers for joy, we've been trying for a while and stopped tested because we just got so sad every time we saw that lonely line.

I'm having a baby, I'm in labor, Jesus.. we have nothing, we have no baby stuff, no cot. We don’t even have a milk warmer. Fuck. "Zack, we cant do this, we aren’t ready, we have nothing, where is it going to sleep? A human, our human, fuck, Zack what.. I cant do this, I cant.." I panic and snap. "Lucy, if there's anyone who can do this, it's you. Yes it's scary, but I'm here, anything I can do, tell me and we will get through it. Were having a baby!" He smiles and chuckles with disbelief.

I pull myself together and realise this baby is coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I spread my legs apart and look at Zack "Listen to what I tell you, take your fingers and push them in, ngggg, until you hit my cervix" he nods and pushes them in "Lucy, I cant get past the head" he says shocked. I reach down and feel that the head is already down, still in its bag of waters, how have I done this so easy? "I'm fully dilated Zack" I say softly. "What is that? What do you mean?" He says, no idea what I'm telling him.

"Okay, next contraction I get, I’m going to push, watch the head and tell me.. hooo, if it moves" I tell him, "if it starts to come too fast, put your hand over it and steady it" I say sternly. He looks so scared, I'm panting so hard and I can see he just wants to hold me. I can feel the contraction starting off slowly, my stomach tightening as I cramp. I look at him and nod to say I'm going to push. I know this push wont do much, it's my first try and I cant expect much.

I pull my legs back and push letting out a small grunt, take a small breath and push again screaming this time. "I'm sorry I'm so loud" I say laughing a little. "You scream all you want" Zack laughs. "Help me, I need to squat" I say as I pull on Zacks arms to get me up, as I move towards him I feel a gush pour from my opening. "Well, I think your waters just broke" Zack laughs as he steady's me. I look down at the water and I feel so nauseous.

"Get me a bowl, get me anything, I need a receptacle" I say as he walks over to the bathroom to grab anything, passing me a plastic bowl. I feel so much pressure and push as much as I can "Ahhhhh" I moan as I feel movement in my birth canal. I throw up twice between pushes, which luckily eases my dizziness. "Can you see?" I ask Zack and he nods "the head is causing like a tear shape, you're bulging like crazy, push, keep pushing" he says in awe of how I'm coping.

I lay back down and hold my legs open "uuhhh" I moan. "Okay, slow love, the forehead is out" he says "keep going and the head will be out" he says excitedly. "Zack, oooowwww" I say trying to tell him to watch for the chord. "Keep going, you're doing it, you're having a baby" he smiles. I push again and feel a gush of amniotic fluid gather under me. "Check around the neck, check to see if the chord is around the neck" I demand as I hold my clit. "You're okay, there’s nothing around the neck" he says and my body instantly relaxes.

I take a moment to breathe and deal with the fact I'm birthing a baby I didn’t know I was carrying. "Zack, I don’t know if I can push anymore, I'm exhausted, I cant do it" I cry, hitting that wall. "Lucy, you can so do it. You're doing it already" Zack says supporting me. "Make it stop, jesus it hurts so bad, ohhh god, Ooohhhhh" I moan as I begin to push again feeling the shoulders hit against my insides.

"Good girl, that's it" he says gently as I push. I lay on my side and hold my leg up struggling to push slowly, I feel like if i push hard I'm going to tear. "Baby, please, come out for Mommy" I cry as I pull my leg. "Oowwww" I moan holding the push as long as I can, I take a breath and push again straight away, "Nngggg" I grunt as my body jolts up to the headboard and I hold on to the bars.

"Lucy, come on harder, one push left, push our baby out" Zack says with his eyes full of tears. I bear down as hard as I can holding on to the bars and pulling on them, I feel my canal empty of the baby that was once in it. Zack catches the crying bundle of joy I just birthed. "He's a little boy Luc, he is so perfect, he- he's perfect" Zack cries as he passes our baby to me. "Hi there little guy" I chuckle as I touch his little face. "Happy birthday buddy" Zack smiles as he cuddles up next to us.

The ambulance still hasn’t arrived, Zack tied and cut the cord, I'm absolutely exhausted but so so happy. We called the family and most of them are on their way. I can feel the placenta coming down and it's such a strange feeling knowing I have carried a baby all this time. "Ohh" I moan "Zack?!" I shout "Can you take baby, the after birth is coming down" I say calmly as I sit up slightly to push. I reach my hands down and feel myself "God, it's hard, I always thought the after birth would be soft?" I laugh as i hear Helen my sister come through the front door.

She runs up the stairs and runs into the bedroom to see me pushing out the placenta and Zack assisting somewhat whilst holding the baby. She comes over and coos the new baby, whilst rubbing my back with the other hand. "Jesus, the placenta is almost as hard to push out as he was" I chuckle as I lay back on the bed to rest from pushing. I see Zack and Helen look inside me and at each other. "Okay babe, dont panic, but that doesnt look like a placenta, at all" Helen says softly as she grabs a towel to put under me, luckily she does as my second bag of waters come out on to it.

"Okay Mommy, yesterday you had no idea you were having a baby and here you are having twins" she laughs as she rubs my knee softly. "I've got this" she says to Zack as he sits next to me with baby, holding my hand. "Pressure?" She asks and I nod. "Ohhhh god" I moan as i reach down and feel myself. "You've got this sweetheart, you're doing great" Helen says softly.

Helen is 15 years older than me, she had her kids when she was younger, she had triplets when she was 17, they're 23 now, weirdly I'm only 2 years older than them, but Helen's always been like a mom figure to me. "Calm down for me, sweetie" Helen says calmly as I panic and wriggle through the pain. "HNNGGG" I moan, freaking out way more this time. "Breathe sweetheart" Helen says softly. There’s something about being able to relax and be the scared one when someone else is less scared and in control. "Lay back on Zack" she says sternly "I'm gonna gently guide baby okay?" She says noticing the baby’s skin colour is grey.

I see her look at Zack and shake her head as she tries to pull. "Okay, Lucy, I think baby is struggling to breathe, it's not your fault but you need to push now, don’t wait for a contraction you need to push it out, now" she says and I nod, getting on my knees. "Is my baby going to be okay?" I ask softly and she sternly says "just push, it needs to come out now Luc".

"Uhhh" I moan with a quick push. "Strong and long Mommy" Helen says as Zack rubs my back and holds our eldest. "I don’t feel like I'm pushing" I say as i try to push. "You're doing it Luc, just keep it going, harder, keep that going, harder Lucy, feel my fingers? Push them" she says. I push against her fingers and moan a deep grunt. "Good job Mommy" she smiles as I feel the head out. "Big strong and long now babe" I push as hard as I can leaning on my elbows.

"Lucy, I need you to hold that" she says as I push as hard as I can pulling on Zacks arm gently not to pull him over. "Good girl, good girl okay, yes Mommy" she shouts as the baby comes out. I move around careful of where I'm kneeling and look at my little baby still attached to me. It's a little girl, she's a tiny little girl, but she's not doing good. "What do I do?" I cry out. Helen lays me back and puts baby on my chest and puts my hand on her back to start rubbing.

I instantly know what I'm doing somehow and start rubbing her back, I stop crying and take control. "Come on baby, breathe for me" I say softly. "Talk to her, keep talking" Helen says as she watches. "Breathe for Mommy sweetheart" I say as I rub her back firmly. I know it's not helping, I put baby on the bed and start to blow over her nose and mouth, rubbing her neck in between, blowing and rubbing, blowing and rubbing "Come on little girl" I say giving up. I lay back and put her back on my chest and tap gently as she coughs and starts to cry.

"Ohh, oh my little girl" I cry out loud, holding her little body close to me as Zack reaches out to feel her. "You did so well sweetheart" I say softly to baby. "Such a good job mommy" Helen says, sobbing at my feet. "I'm so proud" Zack says softly as he kisses my forehead. "I'm gonna check you okay?" Helen says as she inserts her finger into me, "I think you're all empty" she laughs "No number 3". I sigh with relief and cuddle up to my new babies.

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 3.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.2k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for the previous chapters! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. ♥ read part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE

                                  3.0  ♥ APOLOGY & CULPABILITY ♥

HIM

I was pissed. Pissed at myself for not even noticing that Louis was bringing me into a trap. I like to think i'm good to guess people and their character, but through the years, I realized I was not as competent as I thought. Still, being played and betrayed by my very best friend was humiliating and incredily hurtful. I glanced at him and noticed guilt written all over his face, but it wasn't enough to take the feeling of betrayal running inside me.

"Wow, hey, it's been a while."

She glanced at Louis too and I breathed in before nodding.

"Yea, 4 years," I just pointed out, slipping my hands in my pockets, trying to find a way to escape this incredibly awkward and almost intolerable situation.

Could I pretend to get a call? Or a text message? Then run outside and call a cab? Was there any way for me to just run to the airport and fly as far away from here as I could? Even on the other side or the world I knew I couldn't feel better. It was too late. I had seen her again and I couldn't take my eyes off of hers.

She got older. I could see her hair were dyed but it was still pretty much the same shade of brown it always was, and I wondered why she'd do such a thing for so little change. Her dress was plain but pretty and she gained a little weight. For some reason, she seemed to glow in a way I couldn't explain.

"5." she corrected me. "It's been 5 years."

I was surprised when her eyes left mine to glance behind me but I kept looking at her. Perhaps, she still had that effect on me, but i didn't have the same effect on her. We used to be a bit obsessed with each other, and we could stare at each other for longer than most people would find acceptable.

My heart felt heavy, like stuck in a vice and someone was twisting it slowly, as if to make the pain less bearable and my death longer to come. I wanted to run away, yet my legs wouldn't move, i was stuck here indefinitely, forced to look into the eyes of the only girl i loved without being able to touch her.

"That long..." I nodded, as if I didn't know the exact date of the last time i saw her.

She nodded too and sent me a shy smile as I twisted the fabric of the inside of my pockets hard enough to feel my muscles tense.

"Louis... didn't tell me..."

She nodded quicker this time and glanced behind me again, where I only guessed Louis had gone, leaving both of us in a situation we didn't want to be in.

"Yea, no, he didn't tell me either." she chuckled, clearly uncomfortable. "Surprise, I guess."

We remained silent for a while and I started swaying gently on my toes. She finally closed her eyes and sighed, running her fingers in her long hair and somehow, it made my heart twitch.

"Look, Niall, I know it's late for this, but i'm so sorry."

I frowned but she kept talking.

"That fight was all on me, it was ridiculous, I shouldn't have insisted." she explained. "I'm so sorry for how things ended, Niall, I-I didn't want this."

Her apology hurt my heart and without thinking, I moved closer and grabbed her arms. The contact of my skin against hers was life changing, like electricity ran all over my body... like I was high on a drug I had never tried before. I knew she felt it too and she held her breath. My face was so close to hers I had to swallow and my lips parted but it took me a few seconds to talk.

"No, you really don't have to apologize, it was my fault, not yours." I whispered. "All mine."

From up close, I could smell her. She still used the same perfume as she always did, and it made memories invade my head. I remember the first time we met and how cold it was outside... and how bad I had wanted to kiss her. It made me realized I wanted it just as bad now, maybe more.

It felt wrong to be in her personal space and let go of her, feelings my palms burn again even if I wasn't touching her anymore. I took a step back and cleared my throat, forcing myself to look down.

"I'm surprised you're wearing a dress." I finally pointed out, trying to change the mood. "You look great, really."

She sent me an other smile, one that seemed slightly more sincere this time.

"Thank you, but you know me. If I could, i'd be here in my sweatpants." she pointed out, making me smile more. "The dress wasn't my idea."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, relieved that we seemed to have a light conversation after being a bit emotional.

"Who's idea was it, then?"

She didn't have time to answer, I saw a tiny little girl run between us and wrap her arms around her thighs. I heard her laugh and looked up at her, but she was only looking at the kid.

"Mommy! Look!"

With an enthusiast face, the kid moved one of her arms up to show a doll who was already missing a shoe. I had a hard time to mend the pieces of what exactly was happening here but I watched her crouch down to discuss with the little girl. They hugged and she ran back to where she came from as my heart started beating harder in my chest. She had a kid and she was probably taken. I always suspected she had found someone else very quickly after we were over, but knowing it for sure hurt more than I thought it would. It was ridiculous, it's not like what we once had could ever come back. There was so much pain still left, so many things untold and unknown... this small encounter would only make things worse and I was scared that after today, even If i never saw her again, I would be even more scarred than I already was.

"That's your daughter?"

She nodded and her lips curled into a fond smile I had never seen on her. I held my breath a few seconds, trying to calm the thumps of my heart against my chest without much success. I've always enjoyed seeing her happy and it made me realize how bad I missed her laugh. Not a chuckle, or a giggle. A real laugh, the kind that echos on the wall and always seemed to reach my heart.

"So, you're married." I just pointed out, clearing my throat." How old is she?"

She raised her nose up in a grimace and chuckled, shaking her head from left to right. The sight made me smile despite myself and I stuck my hands in my pockets again, trying to restrain the need I suddenly had to be closer to her once more.

"No, I'm a single mom." she explained before her smile fell. "She's... she's four years and a half."

I couldn't explain how good it felt to hear she wasn't married, and I sort of felt bad for liking it. That's why it took me a while for the other fact to actually sink in. My lips fell and my eyes got bigger. Something stirred inside me, making me suddenly nauseous and I had to swallow the lump in my throat.

"She's four years and a half..." I repeated.

Even though it was clearly not a question, I watched her as she nodded slowly, suddenly extremely serious.

"She's gonna turn five in a few months."

I pressed my hand on my mouth and held my breath, bending down slowly as i felt myself tear up. This couldn't be real. This was not happening. I had a daughter and I wasn't even aware of it, and all that seemed to flash in my mind was the fact that I didn't see her when she was born or when she walked for the first time. I wasn't there when she said her first word, and that for her, I was a total stranger. Did she even know she has a dad? A dad that would have loved her and cared for her if only he had known she existed?

"You..."

I couldn't talk, I was incredibly hurt and so many thoughts were running in my mind that I wasn't sure I could handle any at the moment.

"I am so so sorry, Niall."

I didn't want to hear her apologies, and I didn't want to hear her excuses. I just wanted to lock myself somewhere to get my thoughts and mind back into place. My vision became blurry after a few seconds and that's exactly when my daughter came back. Just thinking about those two simple words made my heart threaten to jump out of my chest.

"Mommy! Freddie broke my doll!"

It hit me so hard that it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my already open wound.

"Louis knew..."

Her head raised up at my words and her eyes opened wide as she was trying to fix the doll in her hands. Her expression betrayed her and I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach for a second time in the past 6 minutes.

Everything seemed to make sense suddenly. The reason why Louis would never talk about her or bring her up was obvious now. He couldn't or he would always risk to let out her secret. Lying to me was also not something he enjoyed and I guess he thought omitting something was not as bad as lying. But it was.

I closed my eyes and breathed in, trying to stop or at least calm the anger and hurt boiling inside me, but I couldn't help the feeling of loneliness flooding my body and mind. I felt sick and alone, and somehow, it felt like my ex girlfriend and my best friend had conspired in my back for the past five years.

Nothing could ever change that. Nothing could make that right. Nothing except maybe the love I already felt for a daughter I didn't even know.

HER

I knew that someday, i'd have to explain to my daughter what happened with her father, but i never thought it would happen so soon. I was slightly mad at Louis for literally pushing me into this meeting and forcing me to come face to face with Niall, but also with my own lies. I didn't understand why he did it. He could have done it years ago, why now?

I tried to push Louis out of my thoughts to focus on Niall, clearly as uncomfortable as I was, standing in front of me. I didn't remember the last time I felt so nervous and speechless, but having him so close after so long brought back memories and feelings I had tried to bury and ignore for years, and I wasn't sure I actually liked it.

He looked good, even better than in my memories, and even if I had tried to avoid him, his career and his music in the last years, looking at him after all this time still felt like home. Maybe the fact that I had a little child constantly reminding me of him helped keep the flame alive but it didn't matter. Niall was here and close, and the love I knew I had for him, even if i wouldn't admit before that it wasn't dead, was now burning my whole body and heart, threatening to leave only ashes. I'd be ready to give him my heart again even if the outcome would probably be as worse as the first time.

I felt the need to apologize for my behavior, but whenever I pronounced his name, my heart jumped in my chest. I felt like I hadn't heard it or said it outloud in so long it almost hurt to do it, but at the same time, it came so naturally and left a sweet after taste on my tongue.

A bunch of memories of when I would whimper his name rushed to my brain and made my heart jump. I could swear my cheeks turned a soft shade of red and I could try to blame it on the wine, but the thoughts made my whole body throb and my inside twist.

I always thought I had made the right choice to leave and let him live his life the way he deserved to. However, when he bent over slightly and seemed on the verge of tears, I felt incredibly guilty and bad for hiding it for so long. I could see the dimmed lights of the room make his eyes glisten and It really made me want to take him in my arms. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea so I just gave her doll back to my daughter and remained motionless, waiting for Niall to have an other reaction. Any would be good. He could even yell at me for what I had done, I wouldn't blame him. Instead. He shook his head and turned around to watch my daughter run back to the tree and he stared at her as she started playing with Freddie again.

"Louis has always known." he whispered, making me swallow an other lump of guilt with difficulty, before turning back to me. "He knew and he never told me."

"I made him promise not to tell you." I explained in a low tone, scared that my voice would crack. "I forced him. It's my fault."

It hit me that at some point, I was an important person in his life, and Louis was too. Niall had just realized that two of the persons he cared the most about had betrayed him, keeping a big and heavy secret from him, and I could understand it was hard to accept. I didn't even dare to hope he would ever forgive me.

I moved closer, placing my hand softly on his arm but he moved away and shook his head, rubbing his hand on his face for a while. He let out a few curse words and turned around, gripping his own hair and pulling on it. I shouldn't, but I felt endeared by the way he reacted, or perhaps it was simply from seeing some of his habits I was so used to see, yet had missed more than I thought.

"What's her name?" he finally asked after a few minutes, turning to me and diving his gaze into mine for a few seconds.

He looked sad and hurt and I did everything I could not to cry in front of him. For some reason, I felt like I didn't have the right to. He looked down and I swallowed again.

"Chelsea."

His head moved up roughly and he frowned. I knew he had a question burning his lips but he didn't ask. He just stared at me some more and breathed in, biting the inside of his cheek. I had never wished I could read his mind more than I did at that exact moment.

"Does she know about me?"

"She knows of you, but she doesn't know who you are."

Once again, he turned around on his heels slowly and moved back to face me, his hand holding the back of his neck. He stared at me and I couldn't hold all the tears anymore. I blinked and let a few fall down my cheeks without daring to wipe them off.

"When did you plan to tell me about her? When she'd insist more? When she'd be 18? Never?"

I didn't want to answer, and he guessed the truth because of my silence.

"Alright, never then." he said shaking his head.

I could feel he was getting angrier by the minute, but all I could focus on was the pain I heard in his voice every time his mouth would open. I would give anything to reassure him, but I knew that no matter what I did or said, it wouldn't make things better.

"I'm sorry, Niall." I whispered, making his face twist.

"Stop saying that." he almost begged before sighing extremely loud and leaving.

I watched him until he passed the door to go back to the cold weather without his coat and I shivered. I stared at the door for a few seconds until I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I didn't have to look, I knew it was Louis, and at this point, I was way past being mad at him for setting this up. Plus, I knew he'd have it tough with Niall, he didn't need me to make things even worse.

"Why did you do that, Lou?"

My voice was weak and I felt numb as his hand slipped on my arm gently. I swallowed and closed my eyes again. I couldn't explain to Niall why I kept him away. Back then, it seemed so obvious and legitimate but now, the aspects and reality I didn't want to see five years ago were right in front of me, and didn't seem to make any sense anymore.

"Because both of you were miserable. Because I felt like he deserved to know Chelsea. Because I felt like an impostor and a bad person for knowing his daughter and spending time with her when he didn't even know she existed." he explained low and slowly. "Because deep down, I'm sure you wanted him to know."

I remained silent and avoided his eyes again. All I could do was stare at the door in hope to see Niall walk back inside. Did I want Niall to know?

"It was not my place, or my choice to make, and I'm sorry." he added. "It was none of my business and I normally don't do that. I was wrong. But I can't say I regret it."

He was right, I knew he was, but admitting that was admitting I had failed. It was admitting that I was wrong and that I deprived Niall from so many memories and time with his daughter. I brought my hand to my mouth and did my best not to start sobbing.

"I'm not mad at you, Louis." I whispered, scared that i would start crying again if i talked louder. "I just hope he can forgive me one day."

"I hope he can forgive me too."

We remained silent for a while and Louis left for about a minute, bringing me back a full glass of wine that I swallowed a bit too quickly. It felt like we waited forever but I think my heart stopped completely when the door opened again. I held my breath, feeling my heart jump once against at Niall sight, and waited until he was back in front of me, He waited until Louis had left, without even sending him a glance.

His face was impassive and I licked my lips, suddenly nervous. His simple presence made my heartbeats accelerate and if you mixed that with the guilt I felt, it was even worse. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate or pass out.

"I want to see her. I want to spend time with her. I want her to know who I am." he just let out. "And you don't have the right to refuse. Not after what you did to me."

I waited a few seconds after he was done talking and nodded gently, still staring at him.

"Of course you can see her and tell her who you are, Niall." I expressed, feeling on the verge of tears again. "I'm never gonna stop you from seeing her. You're her father, and you'll always be."

[something--wicked]

vent

so todays my first day on wellbutrin

i was on prozac for 5 years and now weening off and starting wellbutrin bc i was having constant panic attacks related to my hypochondriasis. and i keep seeing a lot of ppl saying that wellbutrin side effects are nausea, dizziness and a lot of worse stuff thats making me more anxious

but i want this medication to work so bad because i just wanna go one night without getting nauseous and dizzy for no reason, which inevitably turns into a panic attack bc im convinced that im dying

vaping cbd oil helps out with the anxiety but im just so tired of feeling like shit and feeling like my eyes cant focus and feeling disoriented im just tired of it

i cant even eat my safe foods anymore cuz they have been making me nauseous and im too scared of throwing up or inducing a panic attack to try to eat and i just dont know whats wrong and it just sucks right now

on top of that im starting college in a month and i still dont have any idea how im gonna pay for it, i have my driver license test next week and if i pass i have no idea how im gonna pay for the insurance, i still need to get a job but with how much anxiety and general shitty feelings im having now i cant imagine trying to go into work every day and functioning all day

and if i let my mind wander for even a second my brain convinces me that whatever normal body function im feeling is a symptom of a deadly disease that will kill me within minutes. like ive never really burped my whole life i just couldnt do it, and like 2 months ago i suddenly gained the ability to burp and lately my brain has been trying to convince me i have stomach cancer. being on wellbutrin now i live in a constant state of fear that im about to have a seizure. if i go too long without eating and start feeling faint then im scared that im about to fall into a coma from low blood sugar even tho im not diabetic?? if i feel slightly hot which is always cuz i live in texas in a house without central air conditioning, i get convinced that i have an extremely high fever and im gonna drop dead from an infection. ive gotten headaches constantly my whole life and now that ive had one bc of switching meds im convinced im gonna have an aneurysm and die. if my arm hurts for just a second too long im convinced im having a heart attack. if i can hear my heart beating then im just sitting there waiting for it to explode or something cuz it has to be going too fast. i just cant function like this when im in a constant state of panic over every single thing and i dont even know why im feeling like this in the first place!! why am i dizzy and nauseous and spacey ?? i take my vitamins and i stay hydrated but i still feel like shit constantly and theres nothing i can do about it cuz nobody knows whats wrong!!

right now i feel hungry and my stomach is growling, and i saw a warning for a rare side effect of wellbutrin that manifests by spaceyness, and extreme hunger. guess what im scared of now. yep. thats my life.

i just wanna go to a doctors office and have them perform every single possible test on me. put me thru an mri, do every blood test imaginable, give me every kind of scan or exam there is, just do everything so i can know whats going on in there and tell me that im fine and there is nothing physically wrong with me and that im not suffering from stomach cancer, diabetes, heart failure, epilepsy, brain cancer, and lung cancer all at once . because my brain legit convinces me that i am and its so exhausting. im tired of it

I just wanna feel normal and not live like this anymore

[dandelionfluffyness]

So Close

Part 12 - Never leave me

Part 1 <<  Part 11 - Part 13

AO3 - asianfanfics - Wattpad

Genre: fluff/angst/humour Warnings: angst, swearing

Mark

We walked to the apartment together, holding hands. I wondered if this was a thing now. I hoped it was. I looked over at Jackson and it looked like he was thinking deeply about something. Not wanting to disturb him, I kept quiet. I felt a lot better now, but I felt as if something at the pit of my stomach was waiting to claw itself out of there and make me feel like shit again. I tried not to think about it too much.

It was a lot sunnier than yesterday, and everything looked quite beautiful. Except it didn't really. It was more colourful and bright, sure, but nothing more. Everything was still the same as it had always been, just there, lifeless and boring. It was exactly how I felt too, just worthless and shitty. The only thing about me that didn't feel completely worthless was my right hand, which was the one holding onto Jackson.

I suddenly felt tears streaming down my cheeks again, and I almost tripped because I couldn't see properly. Luckily, Jackson caught me and then ruffled my hair with his free hand. "We're almost home," he said, and something in his voice told me he was sad. I felt guilty; the last thing I wanted was to drag him along in my misery. He squeezed my hand lightly and we continued walking towards the apartment.

Jackson

He was not okay, and I had no idea what to do. I wanted to somehow make everything better, but I knew that this was something I couldn't simply fix for him, I could only be there to support him in the best way I could possibly think of, but he needed to go through this himself, maybe with some help, but in the end he was the only one who could make this better.

When we finally got to the apartment, I walked him to our room and sat him down on his bed. Then I decided to make him some tea. Before leaving the room I quickly gave him a hug and an empathetic smile. He gave me a small smile back while wiping away his tears with the back of his hand and making a little sniffling sound. I hoped a hot cup of tea with honey would at least help a little.

Mark

While Jackson was gone, I didn't know what to do with myself. Those feelings I had before seemed to be coming back, and that terrifying something at the pit of my stomach was aching to come out. I tried my best not to start sobbing uncontrollably again, but hot tears were streaming before I could even make an effort to hold them back. Fuck, breathing is hard.

Why am I so fucking useless and disappointing? Why can I never just do anything right? Why do I like boys instead of girls, why can't I just be normal like everyone else? And who the fuck thought it was a good idea for me to move to Korea, only to become the shittiest idol in goddamn history? I just sit there in silence and don't say anything, just being boring and rude. I don't understand why people even look up to me; I'm literally the worst person.

Suddenly the door opened and Jackson walked in, holding a tray in his hands with what looked like two cups of tea. He stopped in his tracks right when he came in and saw me crying on the floor. "Oh, shit" I heard him say under his breath. He quickly put down the tea on the bedside table and practically threw himself on the floor next to me.

"Another panic attack?" He asked me quietly, putting both his hands gently on my shoulders and looking at me with concerned eyes. I hadn't realised I was having one, but yes, I guess that's what it's called. I nodded. I felt like I was dying. His strong arms wrapped tightly around me and I put my full weight against him. I wished he would never leave me ever again.

Jackson

Mark was crying, shaking, falling apart. I wished I could somehow help him. But there was nothing else that I could do besides just being there. I wanted to punch myself for being so useless. Mark took a couple deep breaths to steady himself, and then said "P-please d-don't leave m-me" in between sobs with a shaky voice. "J-just stay w-with m-me, okay? D-dont leave," he managed to add.

"Never" I replied almost too quickly. "I'll stay with you as much as you want Markipooh" I added, in an attempt to somehow soothe him. He didn't say anything else, but sat up and searched for my hand. He found what he was looking for and gently took my hand in both of his. He held it up to his chest and then leaned back against me. A small butterfly made its way up my chest and settled on my heart.

After a couple of minutes, I suddenly remembered the tea I had made us. I quietly let go of Mark, and explained "Come on, your tea is getting cold" when he gave me a confused look. He slowly nodded and let me help him up. I sat him down on his bed again and briefly wondered why he had been on the floor. I then handed him his cup of tea and sat down next to him.

He sipped his tea carefully, and then slowly started taking bigger gulps. I rubbed my hand up and down his back to help him calm down. It seemed to work a bit; despite the fact that he was still crying, he wasn't shaking as much now and seemed to be able to breathe more or less steadily. My own tea was getting cold but I couldn't care less.

By the time he finished drinking his tea he had calmed down but he still seemed upset. I shifted my position and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him against me. He didn't protest and let himself lean back. "Jackson?" He asked carefully. "Hmm?" I replied. "I uhm- I don't trust myself" He said, sounding as if he had been thinking it for a long time. I was slightly confused. "What do you mean?" I asked him.

"It's just- I don't trust myself to be alone anymore..." he almost whispered. I took a few seconds to think about it. "Do you think you would hurt yourself?" I asked him, trying not to sound extremely blunt. He didn't say anything, but dipped his head a little, so I took it as a yes. Fuck, he must've felt terrible. "I'm sorry," I said, regretting to have asked such a question, but simultaneously knowing that I needed to know the answer. "It's okay" he replied softly.

"It's really not," I said, resting my chin on his shoulder. "I'll just always be with you, okay? We'll make tea together from now on," I said, trying to cheer him up a bit. I felt him smile lightly, and the tension in his shoulders became less. "Okay" he simply said. I couldn't help but feel happy at the fact that I was now going to spend every moment with him, and it was hard to hide the fact that I had secretly wanted to do that anyways.

Mark

It was hard to describe what I was feeling. It was a combination of relief, because he would look after me, and stress because now he would be spending all his time with me and he made me slightly nervous. And that sort of exciting feeling that made you kind of nauseous. I mentally slapped myself in the face because I was so terribly in love with him.

[rainkilled-a]

Sentence Starters Bring It On: All or Nothing Edition

“Do we have a party going on here or what?” “I lost ten pounds and dyed my hair.” “Don’t you think her boobs look fake?” “I’ll work hard and never quit.” “I look so old, I could pass for 20.” “You got plenty of sleep in class.” “You don’t honestly expect me to apologize for winning captain over you, do you?” “If we’re speaking IM, you’re more like a BFH. Bitch From Hell.” “You sound like such a virgin.” “I’m a quarter back babe. People expect me to score.” “You’ve been waiting for me since the ninth grade. Two months wont kill you.” “Sometimes I walk in my sleep.” “If ever there was an argument for Bulimia, its ____’s Ass.” “You’re the only one who wants a butt like an Olsen twin.” “Just lay off the snacks” “Why didnt you just rip out her belly ring? That would have been less painful.” “You’re smart, you’re pretty, you’re blonde! you’ll make plenty of friends!” “You’re old. Your life is over.” “I promise I’ll use everything you taught me.” “She’s screwing up everything!” “It’s cute you’re trying to be into choreography.” “Some day you’ll come begging for what I got.” “You are too hot to beg.” “You put it out there, I’m just showing my appreciation.” “Mall baby must have gotten separated from her mother.” “This aint the OC.” “You’re mother must shop at the swap meets.” “Did you just call me fat?” “Count your blessings.” “I feel scared. Maybe a little nauseous. But I definitely don’t feel lucky.” “What is this, LAX?” “You think if we don’t have books, we’d have computers?” “Get your ass out of my face.” “Do you have any organic greens?” “Don’t join a gang. At least not the first day.” “I don’t see how my day could get any worse.” “Weren’t you headed…?” *Points the opposite direction “You must be really into me to be following me around all day.” “You’ve been watching me?” “You’ve got a nice ass too.” “You don’t even know her.” “Miss fancy finger nails, shimmy shimmy lip gloss barbie. She don’t got what it takes.” “Now you see what it takes to be a warrior.” “Pay attention, I’m only gonna say this once.” “Can’t keep up?” “Damn, Vanilla Latte got skills.” “We need her.” “I said no. And so did she.” “She’s rude. And conceited. She thinks shes all that.” “She’s already acting like a warrior.” “Be at our practice or bitch from the bleachers by yourself.” “What kind of friends would ask you to give up something that you love?” “I Cheer for your daddy every night.” “Spirit is what makes life fun even when it isnt.” “Your real friends will just be happy that you’re happy.” “Ready to be my baby’s mama?” “Do it again and I’m plucking grapes. Or in your case, Raisins.” “Have you ever had fried Twinkies?” “So you’re the only one who can contribute ideas?” “Are you still thinking about food?” “Someone get that girl a pole.” “I could just kick your ass.” “I actually need a partner for the algebra breasts on friday. Can you help me out?” “Am I speaking English?” “Woah Woah, Guys. Violence never solves anything!” “How do you guys move so fast?” “You should be the angriest person in here.” “That boy is fit.” “Will you guys stop fooling around?” I’m still in charge here, Damn it.” “If youre in charge, act like it.” “This could help us win.” “The things we do get us noticed.” “You ever get any action on this job?” “That never happens in real life.” “We get ass up the ass.” “Your job sucks, loser.” “I’ve got a rape whistle and mace.” “I don’t even like you and I treat you like a better friend than that.” “Now that youre gone and your reputation is trashed, I dont believe I have a problem.” “You want me to cut her?” “They moved here to keep their kids away from gangs. Wrong.” “Everything looks better from up here.” “She needs to know she can’t screw with me.” “I saw Boyz in the Hood!” “I saw clueless but I still came up here with you.” “I guess that shows how little we know about each other.” “I know you’re mad at me but I have dirt.” “I kissed another boy tonight.” “The only reason she wants him is because he’s yours.” “You named your dog after a shoe?” “You’re having a funeral for a dog?” “White people are crazy about their pets.” “Who am I to stand between a white girl and her dead dog?” “I came to offer my condolences, but I see you’ve already been condoled.” “Did your dog die? Wait a minute, you dont have a dog.” “I thought your first time might be more special and romantic if you had it at a Marriott.” “Do you know how many girls want me?” “She has more heart in one ass cheek than have in your entire body.” “I’m not gonna get any ass from you, but I can hold your purse? Way to make me feel like a man.” “You say tomato, I say potato.” “I finally beat you at something.” “For once it’s not gonna be all about you.” “I was thinking of you the whole time.” “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is to not be your girlfriend anymore.” “You’re too much of a backstabber to have any real friends.” “Sorry don’t make up for dissing us.” “It’s hip hop barbie and her wu-tang clan!” “Boo Hoo. I could just cry. But I wont.” “Please let me cut her.” “What you have that they don’t is your spirit.” “I guess you always get everything you want.” “It’s like a real life beer commercial up in here.” “She hasn’t eaten all day.” “I have a big ass. Runs in the family. We’re a big assed family.” “I can tell when something aint my business.” “He don’t have game like I do!” “I’d be more impressed if you broke up with him the night we kissed.” “I couldn’t let go of my old life.” “So, What’s important to you now?” “I’ll be damned, The boy does have game.” “Everything we are is ghetto” “I just thought of something to shake them up.” “You don’t make the rules. I do.” “I’ve learned that a lot of talented people come out of the ghetto.” “They should be disqualified. Or arrested.” “I don’t judge people by where they come from. I judge on what they bring to the table.”

[shadovvlink]

angsty trans/gay rant

like a lot of people are saying they wouldnt be cis assigned gender and/or het if they could choose and. i super admire that and im happy that they can be in a place where theyre happy with who they are and not ashamed of themselves but. i would. i really fucking would. like i will stand up for ppls rights to be able to come out in a safe & supportive environment where they dont have to be shamed for being themselves til my dying breath because they deserve those good things.

but that doesnt mean i will do those things for myself. i would still rather be a cishet girl whos uncomfortable with her body rolls and a bit too depressed to do anything about it than. idk a gay trans guy whos so ashamed and disgusted with himself that it took him years to come out. to a family that claims theyre supportive but are now trying to convince him hes either spending too much time online, letting his hyperempathy get the better of him for people who actually live through that, (implying) hes just faking it to make it seem more real to him or just psychotic to the point that he lost his grip on the difference between delusion and reality. just basically trying to tell him hes not clear in the head, and telling him that if there is literally absolutely no other way out, they will let him transition. and having most of his depression stem from his body dysphoria. even though there are clear underlying issues.

ofc i know lgbt is an ok thing to be. i get so happy when ppl refer to me as male even tho i feel so much shame and self hate for making people cater to my needs at the same time. but i would rather be a cishet girl who just used to have a problem with bullying and a few abusive friends than have yet 15 more added on layers that make it so bad that i literally cant think of any other way out than to slowly kill myself either by drinking, cutting, or just end it outright and never let my issues be known to anybody. going back to therapy can only help for so long and i already bring enough shame to them by that as is.

i fucking hate causing my parents and brother this much trouble and forcing them to go through yet more things because of me. i shoud never have come out and instead just stayed in the closet and waited for this to pass. i should never have bought a binder in the first place and instead just quietly waited for this to end. but i literally just couldnt wait anymore when i was pretty much forced to come out bcus i was so upset at this point that i felt i was going to either explode or die if i kept this to myself and my circle of friends. even if i had a panic attack before telling them. and everyone around focuses specifically on the ppl regretting transitioning and are trying to tell me that basically nothing will change. my brother knows someone who went through this first hand and tells me its ok to be a masculine girl even when i told him that it just isnt enough anymore. thats great. its also the last thing i need to hear.

im really happy that i have lgbt friends that can be themselves comfortably and not hate themselves for being lgbt constantly. its so good to see them walk forwards in life with pride even when im right here wishing i wasnt myself and wishing i was literally anything else because its so much easier and i feel so weak because of it i feel like a quitter

on my period and thats probably whats making me so upset abt this but im so angry and tired of constantly being shoved back in the closet under the guise of focusing on my happiness first and people telling me how long it will take to transition and do everything and constantly repeating “but what if halfway through you realize its not The Thing™?” and how much transitioning costs the state. and just constantly trying to make me doubt myself again and again when i just keep realizing after a while that it hurt me more than it did good. and each time it just gets worse. i dont want this either, you know!!!!! id rather not have these issues more than anyone!!!!! id rather fucking die than be like this!!!!!!!! theres nowhere to vent this but here i dont know if i can trust anyone irl anymore because its just false hope on top of false hope getting crushed time and time again but i know i just cant keep clinging to things with online friends. idk i guess im just. so used to keeping things to myself i guess.

idk im just nauseous becuase of my body but i cant drink or cut because i will just get in trouble again and i cant go to any websites because nothing helps.

thinking about my body makes me crazy. trying not to think about my body makes me crazy. trying to keep myself from thinking abt having sex with men (because lets be real thats never going to happen irl) is making me crazy. trying to think about transitioning makes me crazy. talking to my parents about me getting help for this in some kind of way is making me feel like im literally 5 minutes away from being completely delirious because they make me feel like im just hallucinating this entire ordeal and deluding myself into thinking that i must be trans being the solution. i know theyre trying to focus on my happiness. i know theyre trying to make me more levelheaded about this and think rationally about what transitioning will really do to me. idfk im just a textbook crazy at this point. i dont even know anymore.

dont even make me start with being gay haha thats just a whole nother layer of bullshit and shame i dont want my parents to go through because of me.

idk i m nto meant to be crying but ut hurt sso much

[felinehypocritical]

I need more stenjamin head canons I!! Need!! It!! Please!!

okay so this is kinda depressing as an hc but i sent it to @eddiekasp and @gaywillbyers, and im still happy with it, so here is a fragmented headcanon about ben helping stan along in recovering from his ED

stan always had problems with body image and striving for being Perfect and Gorgeous, and to him that means not having literally any fat on him at all. like he just hates the way it looks, he cant stand having rolls and his perfect body type is just super duper thin.

so he starts kind of restricting and regulating food in eighth or ninth grade, and it really all just goes downhill from there- it goes from just diets and workouts, normal stuff, to not eating for a day and then eating normally, eating nothing, on and off, and then suddenly the one day of no eating becomes two days of no eating, and all of stans weight (which, by the way, he already had almost none of) just starts slipping off until hes legit so tiny mike can almost wrap his hands around stans waist and overlap the fingertips, and his wrists look like they barely have enough skin to cover them. and his friends are all nervous and scared for him, especially richie, who is his best friend and so is watching stan basically waste away up close and personal, and hes not even worried, hes just mad. hes angry that hes just expected to just sit by and watch stan restrict and restrict and restrict until eating more than a few fries at a time makes him sick and he gets so small none of his clothes even slightly fit right and he refuses to go out if eaten that day. and its not as if he can stop stan, either, because stan refuses to talk about any of it and if richie makes a comment he always ends up fucking it up with his big mouth.

so he just stays silent, until finally its ben who has to help stan.

ben steps forward one day when stan is leaning on him to walk because hes almost always nauseous. and he stumbles a little and falls onto ben, and ben can barely even manage to touch stan because hes so grossly light and all of his limbs are almost skeletal, it makes ben feel as if he’s touching a dying animal and it somehow reminds him of his own former unhealthy state, when he was so fat he could barely walk without winding himself and he was too far along in his complete and utter wreckage of his body to realize that he was killing himself, and suddenly he cant even stand it anymore. so he hangs stan back, and he tells the rest of the losers to go ahead over to the park. and he sits stan down by a tree and he says, “stan, cant you see what youre doing to yourself?” and stan nods his head and plays with his hands. and so ben asks another question: “stan, cant you see what youre doing tothe rest of us?”

and stan nods again, and he blinks away his tears and brushes the water under his eye away. he holds back his shaking shoulders and his explanations and excuses, and he whispers something to ben, and ben cant hear it, so he repeats, “you know, it hurts to want to become so beautiful.” and ben opens his mouth and closes it, and looks down at his own body, which is a map of stretch marks and loose-hanging skin from losing so much weight so quick and at the newly acquired feet that he can suddenly see when he looks down in the shower, and all the bits he still knows he wants, needs to work on, and he says, “i know, stanley. but you know what?” “what?” “if you dont eat, youll never live to see yourself become that way.”

and stan nods and bites his lip, and he and ben start hanging out more without another word. they go on runs together, they eat together (stan goes through a phase where he will only eat if ben is there with him, sitting on his left), they talk about their wants together. stan starts getting healthier, just a bit, with bens supervision, and ben is more and more inspired each day to better himself- not by stans fucked up desire to look perfect, but by how quickly stan is adaptable to changes that he wants to make. and yeah, stan still would rather be so tiny you can barely see him, and ben can never fully enjoy sweets again, but together they make a wonderful, opposing-sides, like-minded pair.

and together they are beautiful.

[prompt-master]

Boyf Riends sick day headcanons?

When Jeremy is sick: -the second Michael realizes jer is sick? He drops everything. Everything. He even dropped a puppy once because rich casually told him jer had a cold -postsquip Michael is always worried whenever Jeremy gets sick. I mean it's a glitchy computer in his brain who knows what it can do -super protective and mom like, always hovering but a really good caretaker. Jer usually feels better in a day or two -a lot of sick days are of Jeremy getting bad headaches and Michael instantly knows he has one when Jeremy lays his head in his lap to block out light -Jeremy will deny being sick until he can't take it anymore, and when he finally admits it it's always something like "...maybe I'm a little sick" -this is why it's really scary when Jeremy says "i dont feel good" or "I'm sick.." Because that means it's really really bad. Jeremy once said that over the phone to Michael and ended up in the hospital -jer just generally gets sick more, so michael is very prepared for it at all moments -Jeremy enjoys fever patches even if he doesn't habe a fever, it feels so nice -michael let's Jeremy pick all the games and carries him from room to room and just spoils the boy so much-tons of forehead kisses -Jeremy almost always ends up asleep on Michael, it's fucking adorable -hates being seen sick, but Michael is the one person he's comfortable seeingWhen Michael is sick: - he doesn't even try to hide it, the first thing he'll do is message Jeremy that he's not feeling well and is honest about the symptoms unless there's something going on and he doesn't wanna bother Jeremy with it -so he got sick when Jeremy and chrstine were on a date and it got back, Jeremy ended up at Michael's house for three days helping his parents take care of him - Michael is clingy and whiny and he tries hard not to but he just feels so awful please Jeremy get me that damn soup -prone to a lot of aching when sick and hides under about 5 blankets -Jeremy will cuddle under them with him even though it's unbearably hot - this becomes a problem with high fevers though because he won't get out the damn caccoon he made -he's more prone to big bad coughs, the ones that leave you breathless and physically hurt to do -Jeremy is a compassionate vomiter so if he feels even slightly nauseous he'll come up with a million and one excuses why Jeremy cant come over -"Jeremy I love you but I feel deaths hands on my ass" "I'm sorry what" "they're boney and cold and they're dragging me to hell" "but-" "I'm dying" -glasses are always sliding down his face so he takes them off, he also has his hair everywhere - they watch rom-coms together on Jeremy's phone -Jeremy tells a lot of dad jokes to cheer him up-Michael eats straight honey when he isn't feeling well - Jeremy hugs him a lot and gives him kisses on the back of the neck -Jeremy is always super panicked and not knowing what to do because Michael doesn't get sick nearly as often and he googles a lot of things When they're both sick: -they both laugh about because shit they're a mess - they eat shitty food together who cares if it's not good for you they wanna have fun -they read funny Yahoo answers and judge the internet -they also make a lot of shit posts, half of them dont make sense. One was a picture of a shoe with bright red text saying "Don't shoe get it?" -sick cuddles sick cuddles sick cuddles -they keep saying I love you, full homo -sometimes they get emotional and rant about how they don't deserve the other -they recline as much as possible, and it's amazing -"jer buddy cmere I wanna hold you" "good cuz I wanna be held" -"dude you are...hella sick" "so are you" - who can do the nastiest cough competitions- Michael asks weird questions like "are you really not a furry" and "if there were no iPhones everyone would be so much sassier because we'd get to snap our calls away don't you think" and "do you ever think about how easy it'd be to rob a UPS truck? Like there's no door...they leave the keys and go for the package just take the truck..." - Jeremy is always quiet when sick so it's nice of Michael to fill in background noise -watch super hero movies together, they really like doctor strange

[shetheaquarius]

Confessions

Today I sat awake for hours dreading leaving my room but laying in my bed im so uncomfortable my sheets are soaked in us. You are everywhere. Theres a corona can on my night stand i cant throw out. Just so i know you were once here and it was real and wasnt just a dream.

I roll around my sheets back and forth and toss and turn and cry all night and hold this stuffed animal you gave me just trying to shake you away try to sleep. I don’t sleep its half in half out and then there is light.

I light incense and sandal wood and hold the light smoke in rotation around my heart and repeat to myself that i am love and light and that i believe in my following my heart. But i dont understand her anymore her tongue is twisted her ability to make sense has been taken from her in the cold long nights in my melancholy.

You said it yourself you love me but im asking to much. Asking you to treat me like a woman you love and hold close to your heart is too much. All i want is you to hold pride and value or my heart and life i so welcomely opened up to you.

I am depressed. I cant sleep eat or think straight and you texting me trying to get a rise just seeing your name makes my stomach twist. I feel sick i feel nauseous so much anxiety and the way you spoke to me.. the way you speak to me

You have always seen the worst in me.

Thats how youve always seen me that is all you see. My mistakes. My worst moments. My darkness.

None of my rich goodness.

My warm embrace

The love im my eyes

The light of my spirit

you project shame onto me and shame me for what i have already made amends with. We have both prevailed from our failures and it is unjust to constantly hold them against eachother.

in this relationship you couldnt even ever publicly come out and tell the world i exist. I feel as i am your dirty secret and i feel like our love has been a glorified and romanticized in my mind.

I am the only one that wanted this. You said it yourself.

Never made me feel like I mattered.. I could be thrown away and its just another day.

The first time you admitted you loved me was in a fiery rage.

Like a confession

A sin you have been hiding from the world

you screamed your love for me

scaring the curtains close

and the street lights dim

alley cats hid beneath cars.

Happy New Year

I have loved you since a long long time ago

I know it doesnt matter though you still want to go.

Then just leave baby Im letting you go im holding the door open walk out and say you tried thats all we have left to do if thats what u so desperately want here.

You tell me how much you dont want me. I get it your disgusted ashamed how could you be proud of a lady like me. Even though i am a pearl. A gem From the ocean brought to shore a product from heaven. I am timeless and worthy.

i am officially broken i give up leave me leave me go baby i cant keep watching myself die every night in my own arms cradling myself on the floor begging for help with no answer ..

were you ever really here anyways ? Or was it all in my head?

I cant beg you to stay. I cant keep embarrassing myself and pleading, pining for someone who so clearly doesn’t want me. Its killing me. My heart cracks.

It kills me to love you so much every single day with every part of me. to over and over again be overlooked and rejected.

i am so full of hurt if someone ran into me

my knee caps would crumble and i would be ash in the wind.

I am brittle and weak.

I dont remember what it feels like to be myself. All everyone does is tell me who i am.

I dont recognize any version that anyone describes

I love you. God do i love you hopelessly and endlessly and it is the death of me. I am dying from this addiction. It is eating me from the inside out my belly grumbles my eyes look through everything like one way windows i feel trapped and so alone and im so scared. Terrified i tremble at the night sky knowing a tomorrow is coming to swallow me whole.

I really only have me. And there isnt much left of her anymore and im scared that i have loved you so greatly i forgot to save any for me. I am utterly tormented by these emotions of feeling like im not beautiful enough or you werent capable of loving me enough because its just me. Im just simple me. Im not your extraordinary love i am just a stop on your path.

And all i want right now is to be wrong

I want to be wrong about it all

Tell me how wrong i am

But I know thats to much to ask of you and you cant. Im sorry im so sorry to ask so much of you my sweet sweet angel. I embrace all of you. I really truly hope you know how much i love you. More then this life more then the ocean more then the sun and moonlight and stars you are all of them into one being and i thank heavens for your existence. There isnt words to bring how i feel for you justice. I hope you know and remember how hard ive tried these years to mend our hearts and become one with you. You are my best friend i cherish you more then myself and maybe this is all my fault. How can you cherish me if i dont

[honestpossum]

I can't eat, I can't sleep. For the last 2 days. My body is a fucking trainwreck at this point. Fighting off lingering headaches, muscles I can't reach. The crick in my neck from sleeping on my night shifts never goes away. I can't bend my arm in certain directions or twist in certain directions without a sharp warning spike from damaged muscles threatening to seize up. Again. A fire from my elbow to my pinkie. Probably nerve damage. Hands that drop everything, hands that go numb when I hold them over my head for more than 10 seconds, hands that lock up and cramp and need constant stretching and flexing to maintain any semblance of dexterity. Something weird with my knees lately...also probably from sleeping funny. The fucking broken foot, and that's been over a year now and it still hasn't healed right. My stomach is ravenous. I'm nauseous and hungry or so hungry I'm nauseous but when I put food in my mouth it tastes like nothing and I can't manage more than a bite or two and then it sits in my stomach like a rock, hard and sharp and my stomach wants it out, out.

Eat, I think. Because you need to. But I can't. Thank god for bolthouse farms juice, I can at least manage that and its keeping me going. But I'm so fucking tired. So chronically fucking tired. It's been 2 years I've been doing it like this and I know I have to think about the very real eventuality of this course.

I cannot, physically, do this for very much longer.

But if I have no other skills in the world, I do possess the remarkable ability to just keep fucking going in spite of...well, everything.

I'm still here. Miraculously. Not that anyone was wondering I expect. But I am. Unhappily so but I suppose I have decided to get off the pot, so to speak, regarding the whole dying bit. I'm too much of a coward and my only other option is to get on with it. The living.

It is always agony, but these last two day have been trying.

I just want to eat something. More than a mouthful. And if I can't do that, I'd at least like a nap. But I'm tossing and turning and its been an hour and I can't stop howling in my mind long enough to snooze.

I'm a mess. I truly honestly don't know how I'm still functional at all. Even the barely functional that I am seems a superhuman feat at this point. But I'm sleep deprived and thus my perspectives are distorted. It's probably unremarkable to anyone else.

But they don't see the mountains I climb simply leaving my bed. But I'm heading for something. A break from sanity. I dont know. It's all crashing down on me how long can I do this?

What will I do when I can't do this anymore? There is no one to catch me if I fall.

I'm letting my plants die, one by one. I dont know why I bothered to try, I knew I wouldn't be able to maintain the interest of the energy. Still, I just wanted to feel like I could nurture something. Grow instead of destroy.

I can't it turns out.

I'm cracking up in my head but I always knew that was faulty. it's my god damned body that feels like a betrayal.