#i feel more like myself rn than I have in months | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

littlestpersimmon · 2 days ago

Text

I remember watching Rilakkuma and Kaoru with my sister during the year (redacted) during possibly the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life, a breakup and a very bad cancer scare and my cat being very sick (he is better now, thank g-d) And my sister, who is autistic and very unaffectionate, spent all night holding me while we watched rilakkuma and Kaoru, and I don't know man. I recently won a vintage rilakkuma re ment set, and I decided to watch the show again on Netflix; the very first episode was Kaoru's friends living their own lives and ghosting her, as they all moved past her- and all she had was Rilakkuma and her other "pets" "maybe if i turn pink, I will be more than this." .. rn I feel like Kaoru, I feel directionless, and I'm drowning in work, I don't know if it's just the new year, but in so frustrated with having to work for peanuts when I can make literally the same amount for commissions and selling prints, for so much less work. I really really feel like work is killing me. I'm genuinely considering killing myself, in a very adult way of thinking about it, planning it, rather than how emotionally I usually feel about it, because I genuinely can not imagine 5 more months of this being bearable. I'm tired of e-begging, I want to be an artist, I want a livable wage. If I was not spending literally 14 hours drawing I'd have time to call my friends, go to a mall, draw for myself, finish my commissions on time, read, play my games, go back to volunteer work. I can't stop crying. I really really want more to life than this shit .

52 notes · View notes

shittygothbitch · 1 year ago

Text

}}°^

4 notes · View notes

muirmarie · 1 month ago

Text

.

#i don't think the fic is bad or anything but it fought me more than any story has this year. mostly bc of how i've been feeling?#and i think i could've made it a lot better if i'd shelved it for like two or three months tbh #until i was in the right mindset to try to say what i was trying to say? which is one of the main reasons why i shouldn't do big bangs tbh.#but! it's done. and that's the important thing lmao. and i did say my priority this year is finishing things not making them good #i do feel like. there's? some pressure? well-meaning and incredibly kind to be clear! but i do.#but i feel like i have. expectations? on me? and i'm not sure this is going to live up to them?#which is. like i think the story turned out fine but i feel like ppl expect more than fine? from me?#which!!! sounds conceited!!! i am aware!!! but i don't mean it in conceited i mean it like. i'm /stressed/ lmao.#like i think i'd be more okay with failing to meet my own expectations if ppl were okay w/ expecting less from me?#this is a mess.#i just wish i could be proud that i got it finished and instead didn't feel like i was going to let ppl down who expected more?#anyway. i've been working on my internal expectations this year. and i think next year has GOTTA be about external expectations lmao.#like it's absolutely no one's fault it's my own bad brain and you're absolutely not responsible for my feelings!! it's just.#anyway. i'm going to focus on being proud of myself for finishing it because it was very very very hard for me to do that #so it's done! and that's exciting!#and that's gotta be the most important thing for me rn lmao #stretching that writing muscle tag

8 notes · View notes

la-galaxie-langblr · 2 months ago

Text

what is going on w my brain

#huge tag rant coming but dw about it #basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and #fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages #it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope #“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i #will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50 #i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts #external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far #but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years #sometimes by up to a month #the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays #are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that #where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows #highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and #having fun #and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning #like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime #like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers #i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did #because i liked them #and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me #i'm working on it but yeah #huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence #because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth

9 notes · View notes

viina-art · 19 days ago

Text

I was officially diagnosed with autism a few years ago, and since then like every couple years I realize anew that damn it looks like I'm more disabled than I thought. Likely the only reason why I ever thought I was low support needs is because I was lucky enough to be born into a family that already gives me most of the support I do need, and even then I've been depressed (and likely burnt out) for years.

#my parents are well off enough i never even had to get a job #and the only reason why i'm working rn is because my college makes you do a 5 month internship in your 5th semester #and it's been what like 3 months now and already the thought that once i'm done with college #i'll have to work full time for the rest of my life fills me with dread #and there shouldn't be any shame in not being able to work full time and needing more support obviously!#but i still do feel ashamed ESPECIALLY since my parents already do so much for me #like objectively looking at my life i have literally nothing to complain about. and yet #it's gotten very hard to stop myself from feeling like i must just be fundamentally weaker and worse than literally everyone else #i just don't know how other people do it

3 notes · View notes

hybridkilljoys · 1 year ago

Text

I've been an absolute emotional wreck since last night due to my narcissist father making me feel less than human so can i..........ask for some reassurance that i'm not an absolute failure of a human being

or pictures of your cats, that would help a lot too

#its been months of dealing with his abuse and last night it left me feeling worse than ever and i am just #really exhausted and mentally broken rn #and i hate asking for reassurance because I always feel like a bother and I should just deal with shit myself until it passes #but when i say last night was bad it was bad and i feel like i am not even meant to be alive that is how that man made me feel #so i just wanna be selfish this one time #and ask for spare kindness because i could really use it right now because my feelings arent going away #no matter how hard im trying to distract myself today and i dont have the strenght to stay like this for a week or more #so yeah #gomen for rambling in the tags im just really #idfk embarrassed and ashamed i dont like asking for help i feel dumb even tho i know its not dumb but yeah #txt

29 notes · View notes

lemongogo · 2 years ago

Text

#i want 2 draw trigun so bad rn but i feel SIICK-__- auugh woe is me #tbh i also have this urge like .every other day 2 make a secret side acc no 1 knows ab to publish all the art imlike kind of unhappy w #as a way of getting myself acquainted w it being Seen and not bejng so obsessed w perfectionism #patrick cough 4 10 hrs vid #but idk thats2 much work i think. snnzzz snzz #i do want 2 get faster w art tho.. and like…idk i like when ppl break anatomy #like it always looks so cool from the outside but anytime i do it i feel like its less a decision and more like.no just looks awkHELPP #pummeling my brain i think. need 2 shut up and just draw #elendira #trigun #trigun maximum #making my list rn like hmm.. want 2 get faster at art n share more #want toooooo .. get better w anatomy so i can bend the rules and make it look super cool epic awesome intentional #want tooooo….urmmmmm.< passingout and dying #i think the most is tht i want to draw and share more than like 3 drawinfs a month HELPPP #doesnt help that inwork full time though idk how ppl can do both at the same time its so Demanding .. energy gonee

46 notes · View notes

nobodybetterlookatme · 2 months ago

Note

Wait I think I missed something in this incredible saga. Are you going on a date with the coworker??? I swear the last thing I saw was “no I would never” lmaoooo. If so, I (like the rest of snzblr) are anxious for updates about your love life. You’re one of the top snzblr couples now, enjoy 🤙

I did say I would never and I was a fucking liar apparently 😔 it's not technically a date tho bc I never told him it was bc I need to be so casual and mysterious ahdkaksk but it's a date To Me lmao. It's tomorrow tho bc we're still at work rn and it doesn't look like we're leaving anytime soon so at least I have that to look forward to I guess lmao

#not snz #we're not a couple tho nooooo 😭😭 lmaooo #it's just me being delusional #like he's literally not into me i stg i think y'all are gonna be more disappointed about the outcome than me #OH but he did hug me tho so I'm riding that high rn actually ahskamsk #lowkey have just been leaning against him half the shift but we've been watching videos and stuff together bc it's been slow so #that means nothing probably #also he looks at me like 😒 every time i ask one if my stupid little debate questions ahsakslsl #today was if ceral is a soup and if ketchup is a smoothie #please know that i ask these randomly literally out of nowhere like it's a normal thing to bring up lmaoooo #i have negative flirting skills ahdkaksk #this is the opposite of pulling a bad bitch by being autistic this is making the coworker question why he puts up with me lmaoooo #but he's the one who said yes to dinner so 😌#you know what he's never seen me in a cute little outfit before actually 👀#it's always been either the work uniform or hiking clothes #which to be fair my hiking clothes are kinda cute but they're hiking clothes nonetheless #like he saw me in normal clothes a bit ago but i was actively dying so they were just the most comfortable clothes i could find #so like maybe i can wear a skirt i have cute skirts i like wearing out with my bestie #and they're like. very specific kinds of skirts so maybe that'll tell him something ahskasmks #help why am i thinking so hard about this ahdkalslal #like it's literally actually not even a date it's just me flipping out for no reason while this guy is clueless 😭#like I'm telling y'all he's not into me and i don't understand why I'm being like this about it lmaoo #I'm always like 'fuck i wish my coworkers wouldn't crush on me to the point of asking me out that's awkward i don't date coworkers'#AND THEN I TURNED AROUND AND DID IT MYSELF #why am i like this #why am i so 👀 when he's one of the few people i shouldn't be 👀 at #i swear i should give it a couple months bc maybe I'm just feeling some type of way about him bc i was sick #but noooo i just HAVE to be insane about it now 😭#i should really have a tag for me being a pathetic wreck but idk what it would even be lmao #partner posting

2 notes · View notes

bunnyboy-juice · 3 months ago

Text

;~; (tags vent)

#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it #im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping #and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today #and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only #there's no One Thing #but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect #and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like #i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to #make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part #between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more #and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place #nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik #im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here #but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my #control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound #im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away #and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself #but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin #other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly #i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do #cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections #im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans #“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all #relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed #i want ot be a PERSON #): i jsut miss my friends #and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends

5 notes · View notes

hundredowls · 1 year ago

Text

silly oc doodle..... ballroom yuri

#ocs #ok so im gonna ramble/complain in the tags for a bit bc i love to complain its mostly not even gonna be relevant to the ocs but anyway ok #yknow that diagram abt art skills thats like ability to see/ability to draw #im at the BAD PART OF IT RN #i wanna draw fanart so bad but then i get annoyed bc the fanart doesnt look as good as the source material GHRG which is a totally #unreasonable thing to think bc source material is drawn by Professionals but you know how it is. Art Hard etc etc complain etc etc #need to do more studies etc etc #i wanna be able to draw really good so i can draw the things i love!!!!! even if its hard and tedious i wanna practise!!!! i love art!!!!!!#dont think about whats easy think about whats fun - bokuto koutarou etc #anyway everyday i am sad i have to sit in front of a desk for 8 hours instead of practising drawing :( i wanna table at a con this year....#but is there even time.....#ANYWAY this is somewhat relevant bc in an effort to be less hard on myself mayhaps i will try draw more oc things so i dont feel pressure #(self imposed)#to make it perfect kjskjkd #or at least not as much #and hopefully get over my brain's tendency to Compare Everything #i have like 3 vague sets of ocs (one less vague than the others ive posted one of the characters from that on my main art blog before sjdks #these two are from the next less vague set there is a plot premise and some side characters too. shdks #i thought abt them a couple months ago but then i watched strictly ballroom w sophie n i was reminded of them again #anyway im not good at coming up w fully fleshed out stories i just like to doodle ppl n think of random connected scenarios sometimes sdjk #i did a mini free online life drawing course in the break n i tried to apply what i learnt here.... i will keep practising when i can.....#well. if u read all the way to the end. hello :) KJASKA #im going to shower....

16 notes · View notes

kimtaegis · 1 year ago

Text

hate to say it but july kinda sucked

#please let me whine and list all the things that have troubled me this month #first off having to get serious about my master thesis and everything taking so much longer than I want it to (the anxiety. wow)#and mentally preparing to tackle two jobs AND finishing the thesis all at once soon (how......am I gonna do that)#well then ofc my car breaking down and having to spend my last savings on a new one #generally having to spend a shit load of money. all my money. gone within 2 months #wanting to have a big birthday party so badly only for it to get so stressful and Too Much for my introverted perfectionist ass #that I was the first and only one to feel (physically and mentally) sick about four hours in and had to leave my guests on their own #the usual old struggles flaring up again (as in too high expectations towards everything and everyone and myself that leave me disappointed #and on a more irrelevant note lmao: being one of the few people who doesn’t seem to have enjoyed barbenheimer that much?#same for jk’s solo and everything around it it's just not really for me #and thus feeling a little distanced from the fandom and from creating lately...I'll try again this weekend though I'll try #and last but not least my skin is being SO bad again rn that I just want to rip it off my whole body!!!!!!!#yeah! not at all how I wanted july to go! anyways august in a few days let’s move on and hope for the best #SORRY for being negative on here again. there were also nice things. like awi and al and all my other friends.#and birthday gifts and messages. <33

8 notes · View notes

kakusu-shipping · 1 year ago

Text

btw not to be annoying but I'm in a huge drawing rut right now and almost everything I've made the past few weeks feels like garbo to me so if anyone has any X Reader requests from medias on my F/O list you want done, now would be a great time to send them in