#i feel message is being sent
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I'm listening to a "Teen Angst" playlist on Spotify and half these songs are at least 20 years old.
#Spotify recommended this one and one called Villain Era#i feel message is being sent#im okay with it
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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i know it seems like i don't talk much about mvf (my book series) especially for something so extremely complicated and obviously precious to me well the essays I could write about every little thing & the art i could share would fill 500 other sideblogs i just really don't like it when authors explain their own story to everyone. do u know how hard it is to avoid the Oh No, The Author Is On Twitter syndrome
#in like january of last year a mutual sent a message politely asking about it and i reaponded with 18 paragraphs of freudian analysis#i can't do that now that there are books out i couldn't live with myself. but not being able to talk about my favourite thing in the world#makes me feel like im being stabbed with harpoons
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🎵Dance Dance Revolution 🕹
#feeling a little better and drew this to relax myself#and thank you everyone who sent nice messages the other day I really appreciate it 💕#also I’m quite proud of the holographic look on the dress being the first time doing that effect#❤️ love machine ❤️#self insert#self ship#🎨 chy creations 🎨
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I need to stop overthinking my friendships with people because I got the courage to go back to my room yesterday since like early october and my best friend who I havent texted for almost 2 months and felt like he hates me even though that makes completely no sense heard and we started chatting and laughing like no time has passed
#and on the group chat my housemates dkd actually notice i came back becajse they were all celebrating even tho ive been isolating myself#which is nice#they dont seem as scary as they did back in september#there is one girl i have to text back tho because she sent me a message back then too like genuinely worried and it was super sweet but i#couldnt get my myself to reply and ive been feeling so guilty because its been 6 weeks#she keeps to herself and doesnt seem t get along with the rest im feeling?#and she unfollowed me everywhere which idk what that could mean#maybe bc I didn't reply she took that as 'oh i crossed boundaries and she doesnt seem to be interested'#so ill apologise#lasar being incoherent
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me vs eternal grudges abt d20 captions
#aspen tag#maybe i just need to start watching the backlog without them on tbh#bc every time i run into a godawful error. of which there is no shortage of. i get so frustrated i literally have to stop watching#and like. idk. the new form system is. i know there's probably practical benefits#but from where i am sitting it's just like. additional barriers. more steps. more energy#i watched the new dirty laundry earlier today. with the lightning flashing effect at the beginning#and i checked the desc to see if there was any sort of warnings on the vid and there was nothing#and i thought about pulling up the feedback form to say smth and i just felt tired#and like. idk if any of u were ever active in the discord's caption corrections channel before it shut down#i joined the dropout server for it. i was in there exclusively for it. bc they got on my nerves so bad and i couldn't just do nothing#you could look up a particular line and find reports of it going back months and months#and i get that it was probably not easily indexable. but w/ the way older d20 episodes are#it was a fucking blessing to be able to submit them in bulk. instead of submitting a form for each one individually like u have to now#bc they're like. every 30 seconds. you're lucky if you go a couple minutes without smth almost unparseable#and when there'd be things like unlabeled flashing. or the gore bear. and u start writing up a message on the discord#it's like. there's a sense of people. someone's reading. someone's seeing it. even in just the reacts. y'know#and like. they have retroactive caption editors to clean up the old stuff as of 2024#but i'm four minutes into tuc episode 2. their third season ever. second episode. four minutes in#and zac says “it's a concentration” and the captions read “white's a constant station”#and i just ..... i guess i find it hard to feel like there's work being done. or like it's a priority#i. me personally. sent messages in the feedback channel about jokes in the captions on at least five or six seperate occasions#and i know there were other people speaking up about it too. over months and months#and the past... however many seasons it's been since burrow's end. have been a little better. but it's like....#it took so long to see any change. and those older ones are going to stay in until the retroactive editors catch all the way up#and people are still going to laugh at them and post about them and not think past their own amusement at them#and it's not that big of a deal but it does like. detract from how much i am able to enjoy d20#and like. i've been watching for three years. i never shut up about it. it's not like i don't like what they make#but between all of this and the way they handled palestine on the discord. i'm just finding it harder to trust in dropout#idk. idk. it's not a big thing. but it simmers in the back of my mind a lot. i don't rlly think it's going to change anytime soon#so i guess this is just putting it somewhere so it doesn't have to sit in my head all the time. um. yeah 👍
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#i asked my therapist to move the session we had next tuesday to today and she said yes <3#(i mean after the voice message i sent her crying my heart out idk if she had another option djhfdf)#but im so grateful#i really needed it#she told me that she thought of me when she found out what happened <3#and at some point after i talked a bit about how i was i feeling and blah#she asked me about how i started being a fan of 1d so i told her about larry AND SHE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT IT SJDFSHF#and then SHE started talking about fanfics#and that she read a couple back then#god i love her jfffg#she's so sweet <3
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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hi! thank you for the kind words, i'm happy you're enjoying the fic. but i also want to use this message as an opportunity to talk about something/set a boundary that i haven't really known how to discuss, and i've blocked out your name because even though i'm not angry or upset with you, i want to make sure i'm not sending any hate back your way.
i know that this message is well-intentioned, and i know you likely think it's nothing but a compliment to ask me to write more--after all, you're only asking me to write more because you enjoy the story so much! shouldn't that be a nice thing for me to hear?
and like. i think that's why this is difficult for me to talk about. i don't want to come across as ungrateful or overly sensitive or like i don't appreciate the compliments, because i do. but at the same time, hearing someone say, "please write more of this fic for me, i love your writing so much!" is still hearing someone say "please write more of this fic for me!" like. 300,000 words is incredibly long. most novels are between 70k-100k words. a 300k word book usually takes years to write--years, and hundreds of hours of labor. maybe you chose that number randomly, or you're exaggerating for emphasis; but no matter how nicely you're phrasing it or how facetious you're being, ultimately this sort of message still puts pressure on me to produce a massive amount of writing in a short period of time. and even if you meant it as a compliment, it doesn't feel nice to me. being pressured to churn out hundreds of thousands of words makes me feel as though i'm being seen as a content-creation machine for the entertainment of others, and i don't like that. writing is a labor of love for me, but it is still labor--hours of time and effort that i'm putting into these works which i share for free, with no expectations of anything in return except maybe a few kind words from those who feel like reaching out. when i get messages or comments like this pushing me to write more, to write faster, it makes me feel as though my time and labor are not respected at all; as if there's absolutely no consideration for the amount of effort it takes to write the stories. which, again, makes me feel like i'm being viewed as some sort of fic-writing machine that can just pump out hundreds of thousands of words on demand for others' entertainment.
and none of this is helped by the tongue-in-cheek comment about how you're "suffering" waiting for updates. again, i understand that this was well-intended and maybe even a playful exaggeration that's supposed to be complimentary. but there are ways to tell me you enjoy my writing and eagerly wait for updates without telling me how much you dislike waiting between chapters. posting once a week is already a difficult schedule for me to maintain, and it's entirely possible that i'll need to take another break in the future or skip a week or something. i've been very clear about the fact that my update schedule is subject to change since i started writing the fic; that's just part of reading a wip. but when i get messages or comments like these with people telling me how they don't like waiting for updates, or comments directly asking me to post more than once a week, or--back when i did take a break--comments begging me not to take a break, it all adds together and builds up and creates this pressure to write more, write faster, post the new ch now now now. if you were the only person making this type of comment, it probably wouldn't bother me and i'd just respond and go "thanks lol" and move on. but the problem is that you aren't the only one--since more people have started reading the fic, i've consistently been getting comments like these, where the backhanded pressure to write more or write faster is couched in compliments. it's just so hard to wait for updates because i love your writing so much! i just want you to write more and post now and write faster because i love your writing so much! i know it's all well-intended, but none of it makes me feel good. it just makes me feel a mounting pressure to produce produce produce.
i feel like there are so many conversations happening in this fandom about how we need to treat writers better, where people go "the fandom is so shitty" and everyone goes "yeah!" but no one ever thinks they're part of the problem. and i think it's because everyone thinks the problem is like...really blatantly rude and entitled messages. and like, i get those too--people telling me they don't like a certain characterization and asking me to rewrite the fic; people repeatedly demanding that i write a certain fic for them; people just outright shitting on things i've written because they don't like it and for some reason think i want to know that. but none of that is super common. what is super common is the steady stream of comments and messages like this one, where they are so well-intended and don't see anything wrong with what they're saying because they think they're giving me a compliment. but all these "compliments" build up and create this pressure that hangs over my head to be constantly producing and writing, which is ultimately what leads to burnout and also makes me feel like i'm not being seen as a person so much as a machine.
so like. idk. i'm not gonna try to speak for every writer in the fandom; maybe there are people out there who do appreciate this kind of message, who feel like it motivates them to write. but for me, i want to make it clear: i really don't appreciate being asked to write more or write faster or to write a certain trope/ship/etc; i am not a waiter taking your order at a restaurant. writing fic is not a service i'm providing for you that you pay me for in comments or kudos or messages or any sort of attention, because i am not writing for that attention in the first place. so when it comes to interacting with me, i'd ask that you reevaluate the way you give compliments and think about what sort of pressure you're putting on me, regardless of how well-intentioned your message is. again, no hard feelings towards you--like i said, this message probably wouldn't even register as pressuring to me if not for the fact that i get so many little comments like it, all from equally well-intentioned people who think they're just giving a compliment, all of which builds up together.
anyway. all that being said. to answer your question: the fic will likely be four parts, not three as i originally intended. it will probably end up somewhere between 100-200k words based on the fact that we're already at 80k and i've only just started part iii, but i am not going to put pressure on myself to write a certain amount of words or hit a certain length. i'm just going to write what i want to write when i want to write, and share it as i want to share it. i'm happy to have you along if you want to be here, but if the cliffhangers or waiting for updates becomes too unenjoyable for you then there's no pressure for you to stay, yknow? no hard feelings on my end either way :•)
#have been talking w a few friends abt this recently and just. felt like it was getting to a point where i need 2 set a boundary lol#like again don't want to come across as ungrateful bc i DO appreciate the kind words and i love talking abt my writing w people#but those kind words and conversation are not the reason i write in the first place. i write in the first place purely for the fun + joy#of writing a story that i want to read#so as much as i appreciate the compliments etc#people being nice to me about my writing does not then entitle those people to make requests or demands about the way i write#yknow?#feel like its hard to phrase this without sounding cunty lol but like. it is simply the truth#anyway. like i said no hard feelings towards the person who sent this message truly#i just picked this as an opportunity to respond to allll the comments + messages like it#might put a note at the end of the next ch or something bc this type of thing happens in the comments moreso than tumblr messages#which is part of why i usually just ignore and move on but. it builds up guys#and it's only been increasing so. feel like i need to be firm abt setting expectations etc#ask#wfrau#ranting and raving
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Imagine wasting your time making 15 FAKE ACCOUNTS JUST TO DO THIS HELPPPP
This is literally the definition of harassment but ok continue being obsessed Panda or like one of your friends or something
"You are becoming a bully" dawg you are a racial eugenicist
#WHAT#Potaxiepower#I'm never deactivating this account so good luck wasting your time on me#I don't regret being mean to panda at all and never will :)#She's a racial eugenicist#Victim blamer of a child#And doxxed personal information about us#Hope this helps#Panda if you're going#To make people's sensitive family history a spectacle for people to gossip about#Be prepared for me to call you greasy at the very least !#Panda literally used the fact that I've been abused as a male to call me a feminazi to her friends#But oh I should feel sorry for her now that she's facing the consequences of her actions#*abused by a male#Can't believe I came back from work to see this pathetic attempt at silencing me#Maybe don't be a pussy about it and use your actual account#Hope Panda saw those messages I senr6#Sent her#Those messages#Don't amount to ANYTHING she did to us
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You don't have to reply to this, but I am very happy to stumble across a non-problematic Youjo Senki fanpage. 💖
Thank you very much!! I'll continue to do my best!
#ask#anonymous#not a daily post#“ask sent 3 months ago” oops#sorry again ;;#im cleaning up inbox ok. or trying to#this is the last one tho i just. needed to express how much everyone being very kind means to me#confession: sometimes i kinda resent this blog for no good reason. its kinda tragic#suffice to say i regret taking on this project sometimes and i get in these downer ass moods#but like. i remember there are people who do actually like the silly time im having here#and it makes me feel better. so i need to express that. thank you. to the people who sent messages to me but also just like everyone lol#if these tags read as kinda corny im sorry but i just am in one of those sappy moods yknow and i need to share it#sorry i love u all. as if its my fault </3 /j#anyway see u all tmrw for dailydegu once more. itll be the last day of huevember!!#it uh. might be late bc im tired
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I don’t think I want to post about the trip anymore.
#I felt safe here#ruined bc I’ll never know which of you sent it#I know I’m being dramatic it just crushed me bc I was coming here for comfort#like if you’d non-anonymously messaged me like “hey Arlo wasn’t in the car while you were smoking in there was he?#that would have been fine#and I’d have let you know he wasn’t#and that would have been it#but instead you made me wary of everyone#bc I very specifically no longer want long term people in my life who aren’t able to give me the benefit of the doubt where I deserve it#telling you guys about stuff was really helping#I feel so alone#i came here bc i wanted to feel better and now i just cant stop sobbing
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Not sure if I'm sabotaging my relationship or not but I feel like I'm in the right ? Perhaps ?
#personal#basically we're long distance but I couldn't see him on a weekend because of unavoidable circumstance#we were going to go to his friends wedding but I couldn't make it.#but hes been sending me photos of my empty seat next to his at the venue#and telling me constantly that I would've loved it#so I took issue with it bc i wasnt enjoying that#and he's gone into panic mode and thinks I'm accusing him of being a 4D chess manipulator#and low-key he kind of is. Unconsciously I think but still manipulative.#he uses the whole 'woe is me' and 'I'm just a terrible useless creature pls pity me' bit way too often.#if we have a slightly uncomfortable conversation he will stop engaging with me and try to distract by telling me he loves me.#like literally 'so what do you think?' ... '[laughs nervously] I love you :'')...' imagine that being the only response he gives for an hour#so I've called him out on his difficulty with sincerity and he's just doubling down on the 'pls pity me' stuff and frankly...#i really don't like it#the wedding thing was kind of nothing but his reaction to it was telling#pulling out the whole 'I am horrified you'd think that' guilt-tripping nonsense#followed immediately by 'you overestimate my intelligence if you think im capable of that :'')' pity party.#just. not promising. not good vibes.#to elaborate on the wedding bit: I made the decision that I couldn't make it bc of a busy work week.#he assured me several times that it was okay if I couldn't make it but he stopped messaging for a day after I told him I couldn't#then sent me a photo of my empty seat with a crying emoji and telling me that he wishes I was there and that i would've really loved it#that's not a message sent with the intent to make me feel good is it?#idk reading this back it sounds like an overreaction from me but with the context of my experience with him this is not an isolated thing#it's kind of perpetually like this. then when called out on it he pulls out the love-bombing but doesn't address the actual issue.#idk. idk.#if anyone wants to engage with this post feel free. Any outsider perspective would be welcome.
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Since today is Women's Day, I want to take a second to talk about a personal accomplishment. I've been writing as an intern for an entertainment news source for the last few months, and it's been incredibly rewarding. I have been given the opportunity to write about things I love, and they're published with credit. I didn't intend to pursue a career in entertainment writing, but I've fallen in love with it and want to continue on this path once my internship ends.
I've been able to write about a lot of women I admire, and some of them have even acknowledged my work. I love being able to support women, and it feels great when they support me back. I'm so happy about this internship, and I'm so grateful to the women that have taken the time to acknowledge and appreciate my writing. It's really cool seeing artists repost my articles, and also I'm extremely grateful for the women in my life who have shared my enthusiasm for this endeavor.
#Tina. you've been my number 1 cheerleader and I love you so much!! 🩷 thank you for being so enthusiastic about every single article#Kelsey. you inspire me so greatly and I appreciate the support you've always shown me#as far as women I don't know personally. Scene Queen reposted my article and that's really stinking cool#all 3 members of Millionaires reposted the full text of the blurb I wrote about them and Anissa sent a lovely thank you message#Daisy Grenade reposted my article on 2 different platforms and were very kind#when I met them irl Keaton complimented the article again and told me to keep writing#this internship is really the first time I've shared so much of my writing and it means the world that I've received so much support#I wish I could scream more about my writing here but the articles have my full name so for privacy I can't#if we're mutuals though and you ever want to read an article lmk!#this is such a cool experience I'm having and it really feels like a dream#anyway women are awesome. thank you women#ashley rambles
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how do you politely tell your uni classmates that you're not gonna sit the exam for them
#i have gotten the reputation as The Good Student Who Helps People Out and listen. if there's good reason i will absolutely help you#like if you miss classes due to work or if you're ill. or if you have kids/dont live in this city. all's fair game then!#but when you ask me shit like “hey do you know what's gonna be on the exam”#or “hey do you know about XYZ” when XYZ is already on my notes that I've already sent to you#then I'm simply convinced you're lazy and want me to do your work for you and I'm honestly not having that#also girl how would i know what's gonna be on the exam. do you think i see the future???#like yesterday DURING THE ONLINE EXAM i was getting bombarded with messages from two different people#one was asking me to tell her the answer to an entire ass essay#and the other asked me something that was very clearly and simply given to us in the exercise question#like the question was “use any text we've studied to analyse X Thing” and i was asked “does exercise a want us to analyse X Thing”#BRO. LITERALLY JUST READ THE ONE (1) LINE OF TEXT THAT'S TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT.#idk this is such a whiny stupid vent but it legit feels like I'm being taken advantage of sometimes and it's annoying
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..
#sorry sorry I just woke up and im having yesterday-was-weird thought again#and they are going here so i don't have to talk to the person that they're um about yet#basically im glad that im in a good enough space now that um#someone ive ive had text-based sex with and uhhh sent an ill-advised video to in like oct when i was Feeling Bad™ and doing. hm. too much.#like 6 months post text-based sex/ill adised video now aha and we've not spoke at all since like january and that was 'how was hols'#they asked to meet up 'not for sex just as friends' or i forget exact wording but basically that#no-pressure museum not-a-date#and i said I'd think about it. because i am as everyone knows a fucking idiot.#basically im glad that im in a better place now than the last time someone like expressed an interest in me as a person#because while this did give me a day long wobble i didn't have a full weekend long actual panic about it#tho they are two v different situs#an ace poly friend asking to go out with me vs someone i uh virtually fucked aha um asking to meet up for (mostly) being-friends purposes#same several-hours-later 'oh god no what have i done bad bad bad no thank you actually no sorry i cant sorry' but less intense this time#but at least i only said ill think about it?#and not actually immediately said yes because it's nice to feel wanted#and then gone Maximum Regret™ because actually all of this is way too much i don't like it i don't want it thank you but im sorry no#weird. i guess i don't have such a high baseline stress level any more? since i'm not at uni n stuff#and someone over messages going no pressure you want to be irl friends (maybe fwb no pressure)? is um#is different. to someone irl going you want to go out acely? yeah? awesome lets hold hands here is the discord with a whole buncha people#i guess#but i am being equally aro-not-super-ace Autism™ about it aha#and i am. eventually. going to be like. thought about it and no sorry. eventually.#if they ask again#i am kinda hoping they'll leave it there and forget they asked so i don't have to navigate social stuff#im much better at navigating canals everybody leave me alone please thank you#(everybody over there leave me alone. y'know. you guys are fine.)
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