#i feel like this has shown my improvement though like im getting better

[streetkid-named-desire]

Smut game: give me the hottest three paragraphs you’ve written! Doesn’t need to be from the same work (or even be published yet).

the best smut i've ever written was the one we collaborated on uwu

so im just gonna share this unfinished piece that was intended for day 3: orgasm denial that is actually not bad

-

V struggled against the cuffs keeping his hands strapped to the netrunner chair. "Bea, you know I can bust through these with my Gorilla Arms. Let me go, I've gotta get back to work."

Bea stood at the head of the netrunner chair and bent down to kiss him on his forehead. It was damp and salty with sweat from the strain his body was under when he was jacked into the chair. "No," she said.

V rolled his eyes and the servos in his hands began to whir. Bea slapped him on his cheek, hard enough to sting but not hard enough to leave a mark. He looked at her in mild disbelief. "What the hell?" The hydraulics inflated the synth muscles in his forearms as he lifted his wrists upward and Bea slapped him again. This time it was hard enough to make him stop.

"Bea," V took on the stern but patient tone he used when Bea was being particularly petulant. But, he did want to take a break from the gig, anyway.

"Yes, dear?" Bea walked around to the side of the chair and tightened the handcuffs around his wrists after he holstered his cyberarms. The metal clinked against his chrome hands.

"Why are you doing this again? You know I don't like it when you interrupt me. I taught you how to wake me up for emergencies, not when you're feeling like I haven't paid attention to you. We live together, can't I just get two hours to work?" She had, at the very least, brought him out softly. He didn't know how to stop her childish tantrums about feeling neglected and it really was beginning to impact his work. Jobs that took two hours now took four.

Bea grabbed V by his jaw roughly and turned his face to hers. He couldn't suppress the smirk rising at the corner of his mouth. Bea bent over and hovered her lips over his. He tried to jerk his head up, to close the gap, but she just slammed his head into the headrest of the chair. She let go of his jaw and walked to the foot of the chair.

Bea stripped off her orange tank top and slipped out of the black lace panties. She kept those in one hand as she clambered onto the netrunning chair and straddled V. V was completely naked under his netrunning suit and felt the warmth between her legs against his own hardening cock.

"Open your mouth," Bea commanded.

V did so.

Bea leaned forward and traced his dry lips with her fingers. She pressed her fingers between his lips and he opened, just enough, for her to insert three of them into his mouth. He closed his mouth—and his teeth—around them and smiled at Bea.

She smiled back, sweetly, before grasping his jaw with her fingers in his mouth and thumb below his chin and wrenching it open. She stuffed her panties into his mouth, not enough to choke him, though V distrusted the look in her eyes when he set his jaw in a more comfortable position.

Bea patted his face before turning her attention to the zipper on his suit. She pulled the zip down his muscular chest, past his hard abdomen, past his pelvis, all the way to the crotch until his cock was free and resting against his stomach.

Without any waiting or warning Bea grabbed his cock in one hand, spat on it, rubbed her saliva down the shaft once and unceremoniously impaled herself upon him. V moaned against the gag as Bea sighed happily.

She bent forward and rested her head in the crook of his neck. His cock slid out of her a little and he bucked his hips up.

Bea sat up quickly and slapped him hard across the face again. He stilled himself. Bea scowled at him as she began grinding her hips into him. She only moved back and forth, pulsing the head of his cock against the spot that made her scream while getting as much friction against her clit from his pelvis as she could.

As she moved faster and became more and more wet and more and more tight around his cock, he couldn't resist bucking his hips up again, needing the sliding friction across the head of his cock. Bea scowled at him again but didn't punish him. Instead, she pushed back into him. He did it again, and she matched his movement, their bodies coming together with force. It made Bea's breasts move in a way that made his mouth water and drool trickled down the side of his mouth.

His breathing grew harder and faster. When his movements became erratic, instead of moving with him, Bea pulled herself up and away from him. He whined and whimpered like a pitiful puppy.

Bea yanked her panties out of his mouth, and he spoke. Spoke isn't the right word, he babbled and pleaded and begged and bargained for Bea to let him orgasm inside her as she sat there, impassive.

When he finished speaking, Bea pressed a button to move the netrunning chair flat and moved forward until her thighs bordered V's head. He strained against the bindings, trying to move his head up to her, to taste her and feel her on his tongue.

In a flash V got his right harm out of the handcuffs and wrapped it around Bea's hips, pulling her down to him. She yelped in surprised but quickly circled her hips around his tongue.

She leaned back and grasped his cock in her hand and he cursed into her cunt. When her hips moved faster, he unwrapped his arms around her waist and instead shoved her away from him. He sat up on one elbow, catching his breath.

Bea glared at him and he just shrugged.

[blueskittlesart]

As you approach the endgame of TotK, what is your overall opinion of the narrative compared to BotW (and by extension other 3d Zelda titles)?

wanted to save this one until i had actually finished the game to form complete thoughts and im glad i did!! because i think the endgame of totk is REALLY important to the overall cohesiveness of the story. let's get into it

i have sung botw's praises for the past 5 years specifically because the game is in my opinion perfectly cohesive. there is not a single thing in the game that feels out of place or thrown in without thought or narrative backing. i've lamented the details of the game, the way the story is told implicitly through the worldbuilding its themes are echoed in every facet of its gameplay. i sincerely believe totk hits these marks as well. its theming is more overt than botw, but it still keeps it consistent and cohesive across the board and the way the world and theming evolved from botw feels very natural. I don't think it's BETTER than botw, but it wasn't really SUPPOSED to be. totk and botw are two halves of the same story, and i think they FEEL that way. totk feels like the second half of botw, which is exactly what it is. no need to improve on perfection.

totk takes a theme that was already present in botw--healing, destruction and regrowth, and expands upon it. we are presented in totk with a hyrule around 5 or 6 years removed from what we last saw in botw, and there are noticeable changes. it is more populated. npcs we met in botw have grown into themselves. some have started families. new cities are forming. the enormous map that we knew is relatively unchanged, but the difference now is that it's so POPULATED. there are so many more PEOPLE. in almost every notable location, including ones that were COMPLETELY deserted in botw, people have now appeared. they are building or researching or travelling or whatever. we are shown a hyrule that is GROWING from the desolation we saw in botw. what once seemed broken beyond repair is slowly but surely being rebuilt, BY PEOPLE. totk's focus is undeniably on the PEOPLE of hyrule and how their work and perseverance has helped hyrule begin to heal.

this is the background framing, though, which, in a good game, ought to be echoed in its main storyline. and it IS. link and zelda in this game (and to a lesser extent the sages) are hyrule, the kingdom broken and desolate. link forced to give up his arm, zelda thrown into a thousand-year-old war which she ultimately sacrifices her sentience to. the sages dealing with corruption and destruction in their own ways after the regional phenomena caused by the upheaval. initially, all these things seem unchangeable. link's arm is so broken it must be replaced entirely. zelda will likely never return to her human form. the sages are each backed into their respective corners, unable to fix their peoples' problems alone. but none of these wounds prove to be truly unhealable. they just can't be done ALONE. link needs rauru, sonia, and the sages to get back zelda and his arm. the sages need link to save their people. this is where i think totk really shines as a continuation of botw, because the whole point of the initial calamity in botw is that link and zelda were ALONE when they faced it. the champions were ALONE in their divine beasts. they fell in botw because the world in which they were raised valued self-sufficiency above all. the champions called for help and no one came, and so they died alone. link had no one to help him when he faced the calamity, and so he was forced to flee, mortally wounded. in totk, link is NEVER alone. there is always some comforting presence, a guide, a FRIEND to assist him. rauru in the opening segment. purah and the sages later on. he is never alone in a desolate world as he was in botw, which is the whole POINT. he wins because he has an army behind him. he wins because hyrule's strength is in its people, in their stubborn perseverance, in their refusal to fall at the hands of ganondorf. rauru says himself "even if something were to happen to me, both my kingdom and the peace it brings--those will endure for generations to come." compare the sentiment of rauru, a king who relied on his sages and trusted in the strength of his people, to rhoam, a king who expected individualism and sacrifice, and it's clear why hyrule fell to destruction under rhoam but endured long after rauru's death.

tldr i think it's a good game and a good SEQUEL. i dont think it stands up perfectly on its own, but i don't think it was ever SUPPOSED to stand on its own. totk is a continuation of botw's narrative, so of course botw's narrative is integral when analyzing totk. the central theming is strong, it's echoed well in the worldbuilding and side quests, and in general all the pieces fall into place very nicely. i think it's a really good game and was well worth the wait!

[brybryby]

VERY LONG POST IM SORRY. DONT FEEL OBLIGED TO READ

HI. Alrighty, this has been on my mind for a while (ever since promotional content for Trials started being released).

I have a TON of analyses in the drafts, but I want to make this post before I release them for public viewing.

I know that I like to make goofy, light-hearted little fan animations and fan art of Outlast, but I think I need to start changing how I navigate through the content. After spending so much of my time deep diving and writing up these analyses, my eyes have been opened to just how much the franchise revolves around fucked up historical events. I feel that some of the stuff I've posted is tone deaf, or at least the way I posted about it is. And I think—for the most part—there's an understanding that I don't intend to be harmful, but I fear that the way I go about it **is**. (And obviously, action takes precedence over intent.)

For contextualization, when I initially got into Outlast at the age of 12, I was enthralled by the horror aesthetics and found a lot of the angsty gore to be cathartic. I felt so “taboo” and “scandalous” lol (especially as a developing child trying to understand myself amidst my puberty stage). I was young and—for lack of a better word—braindead in how I navigated the media. I was naive, mindless, ignorant, etc etc… Now that I have a deeper understanding of the narratives and historical implications/influences, I need to do better in how I interact with the franchise.

What am I getting at?

Pretty much, I'm working on being more careful with how I interact with the media. At the same time, I want the analyses that I post to be educational. And most importantly, please message me if I ever say some bullshit. Seriously. All I ever want to do with my life is to be a positive impact. I genuinely get upset if I cause harm to someone else. (One time I literally cried at a high school football game as a freshman because I thought I hurt someone else's feelings. It turned out they were faking it lmao. Then they started feeling bad and then that made me feel bad for crying and yea yea).

Seriously though. I know that my posts can get public outreach, and anything that has public outreach can be influential and have a good or bad impact. So please let me know if I do or say anything harmful or ignorant. I won't be offended. I don’t want to spread harmful stuff. There are many instances in my life where people sit me down to have meaningful conversations about shit I've said or done and how I can improve myself.

That said, I'll be posting more analyses and making my own syntheses of historical events. My next analysis post will be about Waylon's Asian-coding (specifically Korean-coding), how Trials actually supports this (using themes of US immigration), and why it is apparent to many Asian fans (including me, hehe).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's pretty much it. But if you wanna stick around a bit further, I'll tell you my (excruciatingly long) story about how I got into Outlast :) along with how much it has invaded my brain and life :') and maybe get a little ~personal~ hehe

STORYTIME:

So, the game came out in 2013. Nearly 10 years ago. I was 12 at the time of its release. Let me tell you…this game was a HUGE impact in the horror community. HOLY. SHIT. It changed the way I looked at lockers and beds. I remember it being critically acclaimed (and rightfully so). It may have not been the most technical video game, but it certainly was a piece of art.

I remember commercials being shown everywhere. The trailer of beta Miles Upshur running and parkouring through Mount Massive while being chased by the tiny beta model of Chris Walker will forever be canonized as part my childhood. I remember specifically heading to the bathroom from my living room and my dad interrupting me to say “Hey! Check this out!” and then proceeding to play the trailer for my 12-year-old eyes. I was scared shitless.

Couple weeks later, Conan O'Brien featured Outlast in one of his segments of “Clueless Gamer” (yeah, my family and I used to watch Conan lol). I was very familiar with Slender and Amnesia, which were the 2 other games featured in this Halloween special, but this was the first time I REALLY got to check out Outlast.

Now, let me preface that during this time, internet culture was very interesting and even less safe than it is today. I had a ton of bad experiences on the internet during my childhood. But oddly (and embarrassingly), the emo/scene/horror/creepypasta culture was what brought me comfort amongst a sea of awful things you could find on the internet. It was probably unhealthy for my developing brain, but I indulged in a lot of angst that was presented with heavy gore and violence. And to be honest, looking at this kind of stuff at a young age helped me process a lot of my own personal shit that I experienced outside of the internet realm. (To be clear, I don't endorse this type of violence, and I don't endorse exploring the internet in the same way I did as a child—it was probably very unhealthy and I think it caused some early development issues.)

But nothing—and I mean NOTHING—scratched that itch more than the way Outlast did. I watched the finger cutting scene in Conan's “Clueless Gamer” and was fucking mortified. I was scared of the dark for weeks. But I remember spending that night in my bedroom looking at more Outlast content to get that cathartic fix to fill my emotional hole of…I don't know…morbid curiosity? I definitely felt shame at the time. I don't know. In recent years, I've been on this journey to process stuff I experienced during my childhood and I struggle to go about my middle-school/junior-high stage because…I don't know…puberty? Access to the internet? I once got bullied by a forum of adult men for posting fan art LMAO. I was 12 years old—I forgot what the fan art even was. ANYWAYS, yea. That was only one instance of my conglomeration of internet experiences. (Like many other peeps, I had to hide my gender & racial identity to preserve my sanity). Indulging in gore art was therapeutic and helped me release negative emotions in a non-harmful way. Horror-genre communities online have been mostly friendly and welcoming towards me. That's probably why I fell in love with Outlast as an art rather than a video game.

I wasn't in the fandom straight off the bat. I had other hyper fixations at times but I navigated through these other fixations with this personal “Outlast standard” where the art and fiction I consumed needed to be horror-themed, gorey, or angsty. And Outlast isn't solely to blame. I was into gore and angst before the game came out. It just so happened that it came out at such a perfect time in my life. (Horror made my queer self feel accepted)

This whole “Outlast standard” stuck with me throughout high school. Uh… this next bit of information may get a little personal. During my sophomore year, someone really important in my life passed away. Then I had this life-impacting thing happen during my junior year that changed how I perceived things forever (lol, this sounds so dramatic). I turned to art to help me process and yada yada… but y'know what really helped? You know what I turned to when I needed to “scratch the itch”? (I bet you'll never guess)

I finally considered myself a part of the Outlast fandom in 2018-2019. I was a high school junior/senior and I posted the Outlast-Outkast animation that got retweeted by Red Barrels. Had a lot of fun in the fandom during that time and it helped get my mind off of things. Also, I loved the fact that Waylon graduated from Berkeley. I was applying to colleges during this time and it made me romanticize Berkeley, lol. I ended up getting accepted. Had an awesome time. I recently graduated and got my Bachelor's. I'm very privileged and gracious for my experience. I spent a lot of grueling time and energy dedicated towards my education.

During my college years, a lot of the unprocessed shit from my childhood started resurfacing and it was becoming hard to navigate through life. I became really disconnected with people who were close to me. Art started to fall out of my life. Stuff happened. Got in touch with psychiatrists thanks to my college's free health services. I don't mean to downplay or normalize what happened, but I'll bring up that many college students deal with mental illness and depression (and this could be attributed to many things: moving away from family, student-life, financial pressure, pressure to secure jobs/internships, living alone for the first time, maturing into an adult, etc. etc.).

But I remember sitting alone in my studio apartment one weekend and started surfing Tumblr. I came across new Outlast fan art and it sparked my hyper fixation all over again. I re-read the comics and—OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND FUCKING RIDICULOUS—but I started jogging because Miles went on jogs LMAOOAKJDGHJAHKGFL. I finally picked up the pencil and started drawing again (after like…months) and drew Miles and Waylon flipping off Murkoff. And THAT was when I realized what the narratives of Outlast were actually about—FUCKIN' CAPITALISM AAUGGGHHH. MY LITTLE POOPOO BRAIN AT AGE 12 NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. AND NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT—NOW THAT I CAN BLATANTLY SEE MYSELF AND MY PEERS AS VICTIMS/PRODUCTS OF CAPITALISM—CAN FINALLY FIND SO MUCH VALUE AND MEANING IN THIS GAME HHHRHRJGHKSDKFGLAJKDG SAY W H A T IM GONNA *explodes*

Then a year later, I started drawing more and more again. Trials' promotional marketing was becoming more prominent. I started posting my fan art on Tumblr. Then I made the fanimation (thank you Mr. Baichoo, you're so awesome, I will forever be a fan of yours) and now here I am. Still fixated on this silly little game for nearly 10 years. WHEW.

I FEEL LIKE A SHRIMP CHIP. Anyways, thanks. I much needed to get this off my chest.

Also, hey! Just wanted to say thanks for the friendly and welcoming interactions in this space. It feels so much safer and more comforting than previous internet experiences I've had. Since 2013, the fandom has evolved a lot. In my opinion, it has evolved for the better. The resurgence of new fans bring such refreshing perspectives and fields of knowledge that haven't been influenced by some of the harmful internet culture that I grew up in. So truly, many thanks to y'all for making the fandom space a nicer place (especially for such a heavy game). Also, what the heck, everyone in the fandom is seriously so talented and artistic

Uh… fan art time? (old stuff/sketches I haven’t posted)

But seriously if you got this far, thank you

[spookyscarydemonbabe]

hello my loves 🖤

i’ve been trying my best to get better over the last few weeks and though it’s happening very slowly, i think im starting to improve.

for some reason, this year has felt so much worse than all the years before it. im lonely. and i feel so constantly alone.

i don’t want to be alone anymore.

i constantly feel like i’m a burden to others or that i bother people or that i’m annoying but it’s because that’s how i’ve always been treated, and i know that i’m none of those things.

being able to be on here has shown me a community that i truly feel comfortable in, and though i may not be close with some of you, i really do appreciate getting to meet and interact with every single one of you 🖤 and i’m sorry if my constant absences or my lack of interaction has come off as me not appreciating having you all in my life.

it’s made me feel better when i’m at my worst because i know that there’s other weirdos out there that may not love all the same things i do, but we all share one weird thing in common, and i think that’s wonderful.

@wheels-of-despair @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles @aidansloth @bookshelf-dust thank you all for being my friends 🫶 it means more than you think it does, especially during times like now for me.

and if anyone else wants to be my friend, i’d be happy to be your friend too 😌

im sorry that im posting things like this more frequently, i don’t like to share too much of my personal life on here, but i feel it’s necessary to keep you all updated so i don’t just disappear without a trace 😅

thank you all for being there for me, and for being patient 🖤 it means the world, and i’m more grateful than you’ll ever know

[withlovelunette]

Hi! I love your account and posts! I was wondering if you have any advice for me.. I recently picked up writing as a hobby and I really want to improve. So I've found that im good at writing slow scenes esp fluff / romantic scenes but when it comes to fast paced ones where a lot of action and dialogue is happening especially between more than two characters i find it very hard to make it flow naturally, how can i get better at this?

Hello there!! Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoy it! :,) And also, glad to hear you've gotten into writing, welcome!

So scene pacing is one of those things that can take a long time to fully "perfect". Just from my own experience, I usually focus my first couple of drafts on just making sure I have everything I want to convey within the story, and usually fine tune the pacing later. I'm definitely on the same boat as you, where slow scenes tend to come more naturally to me and usually require less adjustments throughout my editing process, as opposed to my fast paced scenes. I don't typically write a lot of action heavy stories, but I've run into this problem a few times nonetheless, so while I don't think I have any sort of expertise on the subject, I've compiled a list of things I like to keep in mind; from one slow-paced scene lover to another :D

(Also; content warning for some writing involving violence! It's nothing too graphic, but I do compare some action writing that includes violence, so just a head's up!)

1. Sentence length variation!

This is probably the most common advice you'll find so I'm just gonna get this one out of the way right away. Basically, by lengthening your sentences, the reader is forced to pace their own reading, practically "slowing them down" so they can fully comprehend the sentence. For the opposite effect; Be short and concise. Don't drag out your sentences. No meandering.

I should point out that for this technique to actually be effective, you need to have variation (as shown in the paragraph above). When your character is analysing the situation, plotting, planning, etc. you'll want to use longer sentences, and then reserve the shorter ones for the action. This also helps to convey the urgency the character feels, since we generally tend to not think as thoroughly when we're under stress.

This technique can drastically alter the flow of conversations as well, which I've tried to illustrate with this very simplistic dialogue ^^;

Version 1

"Why are you home so late?" "It's not that late. I was just out with some friends," the boy breathes out, slipping his jacket off and draping it over his shoulder. "Which friends?" "Friends, mom," he answers with a groan. "Yeah, I have friends." "I don't like your tone."

Version 2

"Why are you home so late?" "It's not that late. I was just out with some friends," the boy breathes out, slipping his jacket off and draping it over his shoulder. His mother raises an eyebrow. "Which friends?" "Friends, mom," he answers with a groan, head tilted back. "Yeah, I have friends." A grimace etches itself into the woman's face, her features distorted and uncanny beneath the florescent lighting of the hallway. "I don't like your tone."

This might not be a perfect example, but my point is that the entire tone and flow of the dialogue can change based on how descriptive you decide to be. The first version is a lot more snappy, a quick back and forth between an angsty teen and a tired mother, while the second version indulges in the exchange way more, essentially dragging out the pacing of the dialogue as well, and building up to the mother's response.

2. Choosing the right verbs

When writing action, your focus should really be to choose good and effective verbs. The verb "pull" conveys more force than "tug", for example, even though they convey the same action. To haul or heave something has even more force behind it, or compare push vs shove.

I also find that certain words just "sound" more intense, because they have a certain sharpness to them. For example, slip, slick, plunge, snatch, split, etc. Compared to stumble, sleek, push, grab, fracture, etc. I think this is mainly a linguistic thing, since some words have harsher consonants, but it can be helpful to just pull up a thesaurus sometimes and see if there's a stronger verb that you can implement!

This is also a great way to avoid adverbs. I definitely think some people exaggerate whenever they say to never use adverbs, but in action, you should really try to cut down as much of your adverbs as possible. If you have a good verb, you usually don't need an adverb, and by cutting out adverbs, you're quickening the pace of the writing!

For example: "She stabbed the knife deeply into his stomach" vs "She thrust the knife into his stomach". The word "thrust" already conveys the strength and speed of the knife, so there's no reason to add "deeply", because it's kinda self explanatory that a knife "thrust" into someone's stomach would go in deep.

3. Focus on the senses.

Because you want to limit any descriptions of the character's thinking during the height of the action, a great way to still include description in your writing is to focus on the senses, and there's two primary reasons for this.

Firstly - when under stress, we don't necessarily have the time to thoroughly think about or dwell on our situation, and are instead too preoccupied with our senses. Thus, in limiting your descriptions to the senses, it helps convey that those descriptions are all very immediate and urgent.

Secondly - this is a great way to get insight into the character's mindset without meandering. For example, if a character tastes blood in their mouth and takes the time to thoroughly describe the taste, how it feels, and what their reaction to it is, then that naturally takes away some of the tension and urgency. However, if a character describes tasting blood and being hit with nausea, but doesn't dwell on it, not only does this convey the urgency (namely that the character doesn't have time to dwell on it), but also that the character is so preoccupied with the action that their bodily comforts must be sidelined for the time being.

You want to still be very brief with descriptions of the senses (at least during the height of action scenes), and you'll want to pick words that really convey what you want with as little space as possible. For example, describing a smell as a stench vs an aroma conveys two wildly different types of smell, even without me describing those smells. This isn't to say that you shouldn't ever go into any details at all, but if you're reading a draft and find that the action is dragging out too much, try cutting out descriptions and substituting them with stronger words.

4. Don't over-explain

I think writers sometimes get too caught up with trying to make an intense action choreography. I know they can be fun to imagine and to witness on-screen, but in writing, it can get very confusing very quickly. Just remember to be concise with what is where, who is doing what, where limbs/weapons are, etc. It's a lot better to have something that's simple yet comprehensible, as opposed to something complex and confusing. When writers begin to over-explain and complicate, that's usually where you'll find clunky sentences that mess up the flow of the action. Less is often more!

I actually really enjoy listening to Critical Role for this reason (the biggest DnD podcast/stream at the moment). Their action scenes are usually very precise and straightforward, and while I'd definitely embellish some of it when writing, it lays a good foundation! Highly recommend giving them a listen if you want examples of concise action scenes!

In terms of writing multiple characters in fast paced scenes; I really encourage you to either focus the writing on one character's experience/perception of the action (if the perspective you've chosen allows for it), or to split the gang up. Again, it doesn't matter how well paced your action is if it's confusing who is where and who's doing what, because that confusion contributes to slowing down the pacing! If you really insist on keeping multiple characters "on-screen" during a fast paced scene, you can convey some of that tension with minimal confusion by prioritising one character's perspective, because limiting the speed and amount of information is really the key to quickening the pacing, and by limiting the reader to only getting information through one character, you can better manage the flow of information as well!

– Outro

Sorry this took so long, I really appreciate the patience! Again, I don't think action scenes are really my strongest area, considering I don't write much action, but as someone who also struggles with writing action and pacing fast-paced scenes right, these are usually the things I look out for when troubleshooting pacing issues in my writing! I hope this managed to help you out a little bit, but if anything's unclear, just let me know and I'll try my best to clarify! ^^;

[ari--anon]

Okok another ask. I’m sorry! /lh

Your fanfic, “I am weary with contending!” and the thoughts and details behind it have been playing in my head over and over the last few days. (Im obsessed, in a good way!)

Any advice to get better at plotting, characterization, pacing and execution of details? Currently writing my own fanfic and I am struggling to execute my characters/pacing/plot in a way that I want. /nf

Hi! I'm so happy to hear that you like it :D!

My honest advice? One of the best ways to get better at writing is to read. Not just other fics, but published books as well. Try picking up something you're interested in, or something that has the tone of the story that you're looking for, and see how the author writes it, and get inspired by the way they might describe things. Pay close attention to how their characters interact with each other, or pay attention to how slow/fast they pace their stories. I know my writing has Massively improved since I've started reading books outside of fics on a more regular basis. And right now, I'm reading a really well written book (House of Leaves) and even though I'm not finished reading it, I know that it's been influencing small bits of my writing for the chapter that's coming up!

Reading books I like has also made me very motivated to write as well :]

As for all of the technicalities, it all mostly comes down to outlines for me. I love writing the actual chapters themselves, but behind every chapter is a Heavily detailed outline. I have very brief chapter summaries plotted out (which I keep having to update, lol), and I have more detailed outlines for every chapter coming up- but whenever I get stuck, and find myself in a roadblock, I love sitting down and writing about the characters themselves. Even if its something small, like their name or their age, or something big, like their past (which could heavily influence their decisions made in the future) or their specific feelings towards the other characters. It really helps me to write it when I have it all laid out in front of me. It also helps with execution of details, if you have those details marked down, and you can plan for having those specific details shown in scenes throughout your story. As long as you can look at a situation, and know what your character would do if they were thrown into it, it should be fine. (Also, having it all laid out should make it easier to see what you do and don't want to keep, or if you might just need to switch a couple scenes around to help the story flow better. I used to not write outlines at all with fics, and went with the flow, but all I ended up with were fics that were 2k at most, and no clue on how to continue it. Even if the au or plot was very interesting to me.)

As for pacing, I get really self indulgent. I love slow burns. I make an outline with the more important plot details in it and very brief chapter summaries, and then come up with things that happens in between. Or,, sometimes, I'll leave blanks if I feel like the story is progressing too quickly for my tastes, and I'll brainstorm for ideas to fit in there. There's... not much more I can say with this, I think. I'm just very particular about pacing, and I pay close attention to how I think I'd like the story to flow if I was a reader instead of a writer. (Which is,, absurdly long slowburns. Lol. Love me 100k+ fics)

Also, if you're up for it, some healthy constructive criticism could help you out a lot as well. I ask for it sparingly (from a friend of mine that is a very talented writer) and every time I've asked for it, she's given me something that I've used, and my writing has improved Massively.

I hope you found the answer you were looking for! These tidbits helped a lot, even if some things are tedious... and remember, at the end of the day, fic writing is a hobby. It isn't supposed to be insanely stressful to the point where it feels like a chore! (Even thought I heavily plot everything out for my longer fics to, de-stress but still write, I will just write very short and random ficlits with no plots or preparation that aren't supposed to go anywhere.)

TLDR: Read (fics, sure, but real books as well), outlines are your best friend, and WRITE!! It's like a muscle, you will improve the more you use it.

And have fun :D!

[m1ckeyb3rry]

FHE JUSTIN BIEBER GIF CRYINNGGGGGG LAMAOAOAOAOAO im assuming its the sae oaeu cooking rn

LMAOSOA YOUR POST trust I take all of your ramblings as rewards your brain is fr so big all of these fire ideas >>>>> ok but the pokemon au is so good…extraordinary….exquisite….remarkable (if you’ve watched as much pokemon as i have you’ll probably get this but if not just take it at face value) the Barou sibling angst is actually my fav

LMAOO YOUR MOM AND HER BROTHER THATS SO ACCURATE

ISAGIS HAIR I feel bad for his hair and his hair alone they always weirdly slick it back or comb it up and he looks like a middle aged man

IM CRYING “I cry but because I have to deal with his shit” LMFAOOO yuki fr tweaking atp or repeatedly saying his mantra in his head trying to keep his sanity like “god never gives us more than we can handle god never gives up more than we can handle god never-“

LMAAOA NO IT MAKES SENSE my brain just grouped up the letters that way that I had to double take ok so we’ve had kaneshiro possesses Mira moment and we get canon characterization of kiyora it’s time to freaky Friday reverse you should take over kaneshiro and write bllk i fr wish Karasu actually scored more literally my exact thoughts like “ARE YOU A STRIKER???” Channeling my inner ego…..but agreed glad he still at least has SOME presence and is consistently shown active in game

Bro kurona was so random…like with epinagi and s2 you can see them sneakily trying to add him in the bg cameoing to make him feel relevant but he fr was dropped out of nowhere like wdym the one who ranked fourth in second selection who we’ve never even seen a glimpse of and didn’t do anything in u20 is suddenly good friends with Isagi and others and gets field time HUH his first appearance is quite literally in BM when he’s holding the iPad showing Isagi Kunigami new stats (yk it’s bad when I rmr this info off the top of my head) something about the wording “using religion and blindness” has me laughing so hard LMAOOOO it’s giving that one meme “I’ve got the power of god and anime on my side” except it’s god and optic neuropathy UAHSHSHA ok but on a serious note that fr would go so hard like let’s expand on his character please….id honestly love to see more of him as he was shown in the LN because nel yuki is SO diff than what he actually seems to be based off the LN but anyways…

Kunigami being the main rival makes sm sense tbh when I first read I thought he WAS going to be the main rival but no it’s Kaiser ig….wait the morally greyness of wildcard being discussed would fr be so interesting…..guys….also ness is one of my least fav characters tbh so slander him all you want LMAOO gotta agree w some dudebros he’s fr a Kaiser glazer you’re fr cooking though….we gotta get you in touch with kaneshiro asap

LMAO REAL I also (clearly) enjoy bllk quite a bit but yes many things to be improved…sometimes I think to myself if only I was an Isagi Rin or Kaiser stan I’d be having the time of my life but alas we cannot be MEDIOCRE

Wait the terminally ill route fits his character fr….where he’d be unwilling to tell his family about it because he wants to strive to be the best despite it and won’t settle for a comfy life…I can also see him getting murdered though LOL either way I’m sure it’ll be good (even though he’s dying oops)

Yeah I lowk forgot people who have such audacity exist the Tullia hate kinda insane and just generally when people comment “he’s mine [chafacter] better get away from my man” ICK imagine in the tags you just put every reader pairing possible as a jic disclaimer like “reader and Tullia talk to men so beware!”

I always found the rival characters so funny like why are you jumping me when I’m trying to get to the next city no I don’t wanna battle you rn LMAOO it’s funny in how like every version you end up teaming up and double battling the villain team somehow but the way they come and go was always so funny to me

When you first said may I thought you meant May from pokemon but now I realize…anyways love Tullia sooo glad to have her alive!!

LMAOOOO Lowk I had a subconscious thought like galvanthla interesting choice (i personally collected joltiks bc they looked cute LMFAO) Isagi the most basic of basics so an all basic team is perfect for him LOL I mean hey you gotta have an op basic pokemon somewhere right I already consider infernape relatively more niche amongst most popular pokemon too LOL

Otoya using his pokemon as chick magnets is so real LMAOO I wanna analyze the breloom yuki vibe like why does it work so well

Nagi fr got the short end of the stick omg LMAOO ofc it had to be a fire type too for once thank you reo for spoiling him HSHSH

SHSHSBD THATS TOO CUTE I bet chigiri would take sm time grooming and caring for his rapidash too (in line with what we talked about for his hair and skin LOL) sometimes I forget you make money from battling LMAOOO like yeah I just beat your pokemon up now hand me my check

REAL BUT LMAOOO the light blue team never fails for him honestly when in doubt just match the hair color I can definitely see him genuinely having an aurorus and ice types though maybe he’s like (I like them calm and cold unlike my parents) hiori running a fossil pokemon conservation wait id never thought of that that’s also so real….atp this should just be an expanded universe that exists time to world build (on that note imagine Aryu grooms and styles pokemon for coordinators and especially furfrou, I forgot exact which gen you were into pkmn until oops I’ll elaborate if you didn’t get to kalos/xyz)

LMAOOOOO i was already linking up aiku and Brock the moment you brought him in lowk that interaction set up you have is so pkmn verse coded its great

I SECOND THAT if no other inspo comes out lowk pokemon au….guys…..also Noel noa being the actual champion while reos dad just holds the title is actually such an interesting dynamic and would work so well

SHSHS sounds like you’ve got it all down still praying for your safety though all those experiences in one lifetime is crazy

HAHAHA I LOVE THE CHATTER reading the convo responses brings me just as much joy as reading ur actual fics im always down for yap sessions

- Karasu anon

LMAOOO that’s just me irl tbh like i hope that’s what you picture when you think of me 🤩 surprisingly it wasn’t in reference to the oaeu!! someone had just posted that they wished there were more otoya fics because they’ve read all of them already and i was like “just working…working hard to please you” because i am an occasional otoya writer for sure

OMG MR REMARKABLE (i forget if he had an actual name KFNSJSN my brother and i always just called him mr remarkable he’s like that elderly man who has a tv show or smth right??) and HAHA tyyyy 🥹

maybe they do it like that to distinguish him from rin or smth?? idk but it’s specifically only isagi who gets the horrendous hairdos they don’t give ANYONE else that treatment 😭 i fr feel bad for the guy even though idgaf abt him…

bllk karasu’s like “can we switch places” because a universe where otoya’s not as much of a dumbass AND he has the chance to rizz up reader is the universe for him (he def is so pressed that hollyhock karasu never made any moves LMAOOO “wdym you lost her to OTOYA” and hollyhock karasu is like “i never wanted her in the first place 🤔” so bllk karasu is like “WHAT”)

HAHAHA possessed by kaneshiro fr i felt his energy flowing through me in that moment 😭 someone needs to get me on the phone with him like idk much about soccer BUT i can definitely cook in terms of characters and plot!!

I REMEMBER WHEN KURONA FIRST SHOWED UP I HAD TO REREAD THE CHAPTER BECAUSE I THOUGHT I JUST MISSED HIS INTRODUCTION 😭 agreed there’s such a discrepancy between ln/third selection/u20 yukimiya and nel yukimiya!! especially with that rlly cool panel of him in the u20 game where they’re like “his style of soccer is street soccer 😰⁉️” and he looks gorgeous af i was looking forward to more elaboration on that!! like really showing how he plays differently compared to the other players (maybe giving him some special weapon because of that kinda like metavision) it also could’ve been a really cool point of connection between him and kaiser given that both of them kind of learned how to play soccer in unconventional ways…but alas…here we are

NO BECAUSE KUNIGAMI VS ISAGI RIVALRY COULD’VE BEEN SO GOOD it would’ve built up the hype for kuni sm more and him feel much more relevant imo!! honestly along with wanting to know what wc is all about i’ve always wanted to know noel noa’s reaction to it…like his biggest rival from the past has destroyed this child’s body and life and future in order to make a copy of him THAT’S LEGIT INSANE??? kaneshiro could’ve given us such a scrumptious kuni and noa dynamic and then he just didn’t 😭

honestly i think one of the main problems w bllk is that kaneshiro is spreading the cast too thin and making people care about too many characters but it’s impossible to effectively manage such a huge cast given the premise of the story and still have emotional impact when stuff happens to them and that also means that characters aside from the protagonist aren’t given a ton of fleshing out (this is relatively common in shounen sadly…jjk had a similar issue but almost to the next level) where by focusing on lesser characters and just giving them insane depth the story would’ve felt much stronger ☝🏻 like realistically there’s 0 reason for kurona to exist in nel when reo (as per our earlier convos) or yukimiya could’ve easily taken that role and had their characters developed much more!! kiyora could also have been replaced with yukimiya (as much as i love him) and tbh?? get sendou out of ubers and focus more on aryu (how’d he go from number 2 in scoring goals to a defensive player?? flesh him out more instead of sendou literally nobody cares abt him…hot take but only memorable u20 players were aiku sae and shidou the rest did not need to be there), get rid of tokimitsu entirely (show how his nervous personality doesn’t jive with egoism) and give zantetsu + karasu more opportunities to shine in pxg (honestly if they wanted to keep the cutthroat feel of second selection then get rid of nanase too and show how kindness doesn’t cut it in bllk where you need to be insane; that way the cast is still large but these characters aren’t fighting for a main spot they’re more naruhaya-esque) 😰 and another hot take but they should’ve saved all of the other ng11s besides sae until the world cup arc (so no kaiser and lorenzo in nel) to really build the hype and stakes of the wc because rn it’s like…ok the bllkers have already managed to beat lorenzo and the whole kaisagi rivalry is going on so the ng11s don’t feel as threatening?? whereas they could’ve been a really cool obstacle in the wc and would’ve provided a baddie of the week feel and higher stakes without it being boring or random since they’ve been so foreshadowed already with sae

i agree i rlly like the terminally ill aspect it also explains why his pokémon are willing to go along with his possessed body (they’re not able to accept that he’s gone) as well as why isagi knows so much without him being a villain…it’s also just sad to think about like he didn’t want his family to worry about him but he wanted to accomplish his goals so he just pushed forward until he literally couldn’t anymore 😭 also now i’m realizing lowkey kunigami would fit better in barou’s role (given the whole canonical wildcard thing being similar to the possession) however idc because i like barou more

yeahhh unfortunately fandom people can be a little weird to say the least and especially now that i have a decent amt of followers i know there are going to be interesting individuals in my comments so it’s not even worth it to not tag…okay but hear me out i wasn’t even thinking about this when i assigned teams (nagi got his team based on cuddly fluffy vibes and barou got his team as all dark types because of his “villain king” thing and reader was forced to have one of the same pokémon as him for the sibling theme…of barou’s team i liked houndoom the most so that’s what reader got) BUT the parallels between nagi’s starter being arcanine and reader’s being houndoom kinda go crazy?? like they both have huge fiery dogs but as per the pokédex arcanine symbolizes loyalty justice protection etc and houndoom is like death hell horror and whatnot 😭 however as we know nagi’s aura is death and reader’s character’s main theme is love (for barou, for her pokémon, etc) so narratively nagi x reader would be so good…especially if they’re each other’s “rivals” but they’re not really rivals and half of the time are helping each other out…there’s a vision here and it’s cooking imo 🤩 ALSO i’m thinking…hear me out…karasu reminds reader of barou so he becomes like her surrogate older brother while they’re searching for barou and reader is the annoying little sibling karasu never had which makes him respect yayoi more and teaches him responsibility and maturity which in turn makes yayoi finally respect him too 🤔

honestly galvantula is such a random pokémon but realistically in terms of type matchups it’s absolutely CARRYING reader against barou’s team considering dark is weak to bug 😭 honestly it’s such a cool little pokémon i think it’s so fun for her to have it on her team!! and the gyarados plot line is going to be so entertaining (basically she gets scammed into trading a freshly caught pokémon for a magikarp and shenanigans ensue) that i think the basicness is excusable

otoya constantly getting girls via his fairy type pokémon vs reader and tullia being like “ladies STAY AWAY” who wins 😭⁉️ and agreed breloom + yuki goes so hard…tbh i rlly like steelix and yuki too it works surprisingly well

no literally justice for nagi 😭 the way the government did NOT gaf abt him is crazy like they could’ve at least given him a water type (although tbf he’s meant to show how the pokémon training system takes advantage of people so it makes sense) honestly though i love his character in this au he goes through sm development and his slowburn w the reader will be legendary fr

YOU KNOWWWW chigiri’s rapidash is SPARKLING he def takes such meticulous care of all of his pokémon (same w reo) whereas nagi’s just like eh as long as they’re healthy 😄 KFNJSSB so like manshine trio will be chilling and in their downtime reo will be brushing his cinccino and chigiri will be polishing his rapidash’s hooves meanwhile nagi’s arcanine is rolling in a pile of mud somewhere having the time of its life

hiori and ice types just go so well together (even though he only has one on his team I think 😭) and agreed i can see him retiring from battling after his arc w reader and co and following his actual passion of helping endangered pokémon instead of listening to his parents (maybe karasu inspires him because he also stood up to his family [yayoi] and that gives hiori the courage to do the same)

gen six is where i left off!! i played gen seven (namely moon and a bit of ultra moon) but i didn’t like them that much so as far as i and this au are concerned the pokémon verse ended with xy/oras 🤩 omg wait aryu as a pokémon groomer slays…maybe he’s the one yuki takes his pokémon to before contests?? and perhaps the itoshi bros are mentioned in passing as gym leaders in another region…kaiser as noel noa’s apprentice who’s going to be a new e4 member like isagi (but a bitchier one who never knew barou and never directly interacts with reader) and same with bachira + kunigami (kaiser to replace noel noa, bachira to replace lavinho, kunigami to replace chris prince, and isagi to replace snuffy) there’s just so many different roles that characters can play!! the world building would be so fun

LMAOO honestly aiku trying to be the rizzler but getting cock blocked by big bros otoya and karasu is so funny to me 😭 also speaking of brock link ups since we know karasu and reader are like a sibling duo i’m imagining otoya and tullia to have that brock and croagunk dynamic where she just punches him whenever he flirts with girls because he’s so cringe it’s embarrassing 😰 speaking of tullia atm i’m think she’ll likely end up with either chigiri (since he’ll probably pull up quite frequently as a nagi companion so there’s ample time for development), isagi (since he’s a classic tullia pairing and all), or maybe even hiori?? like her and hiori really hit it off and after the main story is over instead of becoming a show/competition breeder like she planned she decides to go back to his nature preserve and help in breeding for species conservation or something 🤔 many many options fr

NO BECAUSE LISTEN THE TIK TOK AUDIOS ARE BURSTING WITH POTENTIAL FOR THE POKÉMON AU i’m getting soooo many ideas for the story now!! like the entire gyarados arc, the aegislash arc (this one goes crazy because it’s basically “reader and nagi somehow end up in a period drama for an entire arc” yet it makes perfect sense given the pokémon verse and the backstory), EVERYTHING with barou especially the final fight between the cousins (i’ve decided they’ll be cousins but as close as siblings!! so y/n’s mother is barou’s father’s sister and her houndoom is barou’s houndoom’s sister so it’s like three generations of brother/sister-esque bonds making up the story), the random evil team encounters…i’m sure you saw but i put requests on hold for a few reasons: so i can finish the ones i have, work on the oaeu, AND also start this story hopefully!! also i want to deny people from requesting for a bit so the hype is built for my 1k event whenever we reach that milestone FJDJSJSJ

LMAOOO the craziest thing is that’s not even scratching the surface unfortunately i have had many insane experiences with men i’m sure you’ll hear about more whenever they’re relevant to the convo 😭 and YESSS i love chatting w you hehe always a little rush of dopamine when i see the little “anonymous asked you a question” notification on my phone (when tumblr isn’t an OPP and actually gives the me the notifs) 🥹

[insidiousflame]

7/18/2024

I want to get to know myself again. Or rather, be more comfortable and content in my own company. I think the reason I am so reserved and my self-worth is in the toilet is because of the jobs I've had the past decade. I've not been able to surround myself around like-minded people. I've not been able to hang out, be in creative spaces and bond with anyone. My only way of living was clock in....be as invisible as possible....and clock out. It's fucked me up. It's uncomfortable, but I need to hang out with people who want my company. Beyond just obligations. Beyond just productivity. I want to indulge in myself. I want to like how I look and take pride in my appearance again and who I am. My sillyness. What even is my personality? I've hardly even shown it to anyone. Cause I always think, "why bother?" But that's the thing. I want to 'bother' because I want to feel joy. I want to enrich my life with experiences and relationships with others. I want to feel free in my being and joy in experiencing this life on earth. That is why. I want to daydream, imagine, feel the magic. Play pretend. Lose myself in just 'being'. But I feel like I need guidance. Because tonight....I found myself in a strange sense of dread. Of being lost at sea. Not knowing where to go or what to do with myself. I have no career path. My desire to perform and create music is at an all time low. My job feels stifling, even though I am grateful. I have no goals. Just the vague sense that I want to improve. But i need to drill it in my head that improvement does not come with ease. It comes with struggle and discomfort. Becoming better only comes from repitition with things we were previously unfamiliar with. How do I expect to get better if I don't put myself in situations where i feel...like I have a lot of growing to do. It has been a long ass time since I put myself in a room of people who were significantly better than me, and giving it my best shot to learn something. It was so frustrating when I hit a rough spot and struggled, but it was so fun when I felt I started to fly. I have to admit...I've been starting to feel burnt out with how uncomfortable I've been this year. How much I have had to constantly talk myself into marching into situations that demanded my efforts and tested my courage. But I want to improve my life. So much. Even though every cell in my body, that yearns for stability and comfort I've curated all this time, tells me I don't want it. It's not that I don't desire these things....I just don't desire the discomfort that comes along with it. I start to weigh my discomfort vs the reward...rather than seeing the reward and being strategic about how I can be MORE comfortable moving forward. About how i can adjust and improve so that the discomfort becomes less and less and the rewards become greater. It doesn't feel good to be uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good having anxiety and putting myself in anxiety inducing situations. It doesn't feel good worrying about how I might look or appear to others. It doesn't feel good feeling alone in a room of people who've already made connections. It doesn't feel good to feel that my skills are so below or made to feel sub-par amongst individuals who have had so much more opportunity to grow their own. It doesn't feel good, feeling like the odd one out....and opening myself to other's judgments. I think about how I used to be and how it felt so much more natural to me. And that was so long ago. How do I navigate this discomfort back into a place of confidence and freedom?

It's just doing the uncomfortable more. Doing what I hate, so that I can build self-trust. And slowly my body/brain should recognize hey...im safe. I'm okay in the end.

[sage-nikolai]

Man.

I'm watching Hazbin Hotel and I have thoughts.

Episode 5 and 6 spoilers, a little

1) i watched the pilot when it came out and it feels good to watch a project unfold, especially watching an indie hit it big.

2) helluva boss has been fun, even with the...er...writing woes. All the songs from HB has been great, or at least fun!

3) Jeremy Jordan has me by the throat right now and when I heard he was playing Lucifer, I had to watch it.

And. Uh.

Man, the show is suffering with the 8 episode season huh?

I can feel it trying so hard to do more than the mandatory "we can't skip this" plot and character beats, but it just doesn't have time for anything else.

No time for us to really get to know the characters (and there is such an influx of them). I feel like I need to do deep dives, find what Vivienne and her team has posted in the past for this show which...sucks. I want to just watch this, not do homework, not watch essayists on YouTube so I can be hand delivered the info im lacking...

I feel like I know the V's better than I know the Hotel...

And the shows story is...suffering from the pace. We go from six months to extermination to one month in five episodes. And we find that out in one line I didn't catch my first watch through.

Everything that happened in episodes 1-5 could've all happened roughly in the same month, imo. We are missing so much time.

Yes, in episode 5, Charlie mentions that the last time she called her dad was five months ago, and that was in the pilot, but... there's just no sense of time in the show. Her saying that flew over my head the first time I watched it. Legitimately, episode 5 feels like it could've happened a few days after 4, and, uh, when does episode 4 take place? Cause, again 1-4 feels like they all could've happened in the same month.

Yes, Charlie is stressed at the start of 5, but?? Eh?? She's been shown to be very emotional?? It didn't read as "we have like four weeks to execute a plan and I've got shit" to me. First watch, I thought she was just...still upset about messing up with Angel and drowning herself in her work, looking for solutions and hitting a wall... but we still time, she's just stressed and sleep deprived, not that we had...less than a month before the angels come back?

But... between 5 and 6, I feel its implied a few weeks pass, maybe? Like...unless Lucifer got Charlie a meeting immediately. Which...it kinda felt like from watching the episodes back-to-back...

There's just no time in-between.

So, the story feels very fast, way too fast. There's no time to breathe.

This show would've benefited from even 12 episodes for the season, or maybe longer episodes?

We need the characters to breathe. We need to feel time pass.

We need goofy side-adventure episodes in this show, where we see shenanigans at the Hotel. We need more of the hotel characters just...living with each other; Angel's slow but steady improvement. Charlie maybe having more ideas for rehab then summer camp activities. More of Vaggie finding who she is.

And, going back, we...we needed more of Carmilla and her daughters? Like, I dont know them? And her song, though nice... it would've been better if I knew who she was.

It just...there is so much love poured into this, I can feel it, but the audience gets...a compromise.

[ileftherbackhome]

very excited about this series because I feel like its a fresh take on the chosen one trope we see a lot in fantasy which im excited to just write you know? ive always found the chosen one trope to be a little lackluster and almost vapid in a way because its not how reality works and also I can't help but see the jesus connection to it. i feel like this idea is finally me unmasking enough to not care about what i "should" be writing about and im very happy about that.

i started writing as escapism but somewhere along the way, I got too caught up in writing the "next big thing" or "the perfect novel." so i would get these ideas where they were good but they felt vapid or shallow and nothing about it felt like it was my voice coming through.

i stopped writing when my burn out got really bad and looking back at my journey, it was the first thing to go when I got burnt out. it was also the last thing to return after I recovered from my burn out period.

and i think this second go around, I am able to pick up bits and pieces of my voice in my older writing that is covered by my attempts at masking or figuring out social interactions via fiction. now that ive lived enough and know myself better, i cannot help but feel like this time im writing just for me. just because i have things to say and i feel like i actually know how to communicate them nowadays.

and so yeah before i had a lot of stereotypical teenage writing and i used a lot of bad tropes like the chosen one where i didnt really like writing like that but i just felt like i had to???? i never wrote in second person even though i feel like some of my best prose has always been second person because I am so good at writing short fiction and this pov ROCKS for that type of writing imho.

and i just am so happy to be at a point where I am intuitively creating worlds that feel authentic to what I want to say as an author and what I want to write. like i dont believe the chosen one can ever happen so whenever i read those series, it always falls a little flat for me. but until recently, i had *no idea* you can just not use tropes u dont like or vibe with in your own writing?

its been so freeing actually, like truly focusing on myself and my desires and having an autistic partner who gets it and allows for a space that supports that behavior, has allowed me to just get to know myself better and that has shown through in other aspects of my life as well. like knowing who i am has really helped improve my writing because I know what I want to write now.

also all my characters are autistic because I said so and that's been freeing as well.

[purgtry]

Yes, I’m back with a new muse, you can’t escape me. No,  ’m not going to go through a name change, hide who I am, etc. That’s never been my style despite trying it once because I felt desperate. But I want one thing to be addressed while we’re in the brand new year. I’d highly appreciate it if you read this, especially if we no longer are mutuals or never saw eye to eye on things. I feel like this is long over due, and maybe that was just because I didn’t know how to word things. But this is something I really want to be known on how I’m going to behave from now on.

For the past few years I have been called out for my bad behavior, the most popular being my stance on certian taboo topics I’m sure you’re already aware of. I want to make it perfectly clear I know very well that they’re bad, weaither or not I assure you that I’d never condone them irl. I believe fiction dosen’t equal reality, but I also understand other people’s stances- so perhaps I’m just in that big gray area?  I get both sides is what I’m trying to say. This is why I never engage in it publicly with or around people who I know are uncomfortable with it. This is why I’ve always made it something I wanted people to know before hand, despite knowing I’d be judged harshly for what I believe in. Infact, I don’t think I’ve even made any public posts with these things since a few years ago on one of my old multis (This excludes my old personal Twitter where yes, I was more open because I had other friends I knew were comfortable with it) This year I really want to improve my mental health. Since 2020 it has been terrible, only getting worse the more this goes on. I am going to cease doing anything that I know may seem harmful, this of course including engaging in any sort of contact with people who want nothing to do with me. I’d rather not upset myself or anyone else. I am simply here to have fun and I’m tired of all the stress. Please respect my wishes of trying to improve myself, because it can’t really be shown when dealing with people who may turn a blind eye to the offer in general and act like I’ll always be the same. It’s like I always say, I practically live by the quote “Do you believe even the worst person can change for the better?” You may think I’m a disgusting person now, but I’m willing to change myself, for the sake that I know it’s the best thing to do, and it will help not only my mental health, but others aswell. I want to start fresh, to be given another chance. I truly understand I’ve disapointed and upset plenty of people already because of my past actions. I truly apologize for the way I had acted in the past, and trust me I understand now how shitty they were, I’m not just saying this to get easy forgiveness. Though it’s up to you if you forgive me or not. If you’ve read this far I thank you, and if you’d ever like to talk or give me any feed back, please feel free to send an ask or IM. I will not be having anons turned on, simply for the sake that I’m terrified of them still.

[stitched-mouth]

SEX EDUCATION SEASON 4 EPISODE 7

Don’t read if you haven’t gotten up to episode 7.

I’d say O just got her redemption arc and I was right, I still hate her. Wanting to fit in is understandable but I can’t forgive her for throwing Ruby under the bus to do so, especially since O still clearly hasn’t changed.

She is still willing to throw people under the bus to get what she wants, as seen when she made Otis out to be an anti-feminist and outer.

I know Ruby isn’t perfect but at least she’s shown some improvement, compared to O.

When O brought up Otis’s Dad I wanted to shoot her. Imagine bring up someone’s family’s red flags who they have no affiliation with and using it against them just for personal gain?

How did she not lose everyone right there? Otis has made it quite clear he doesn’t agree with his Dad or really talk to him.

I was shocked with how dark this episode was. I don’t know, not that dark but child molestion and domestic abuse wasn’t topics I thought the show would go into especially in the second last episode of the last season.

Not complaining though.

Maeve going back to America and breaking up with Otis feels…so right. I’m sad but happy to see it happen.

I was really put off with Issac x Aimee at first but I think it’s starting to grow in me. Their personalities fit so well.

I wish we saw more Erin. If they were going to make it so big that Maeve still loved her Mum so much despite everything, they should of showed us why better.

Also does Sean feel like a less iconic version of Klaus from TUA? They even look alike. Sean reminds me so much of my brother it kind of hurts. He raised me when he was a teenager and I feel like it kind of messed him up. Definitely played a part in him doing drugs and being so flaky… He has a kid now who he doesn’t see and his baby mama hates me because my big brother treats me (his little sister) better than his own kid. Maybe this is odd to put here but I just wanted to say it, I haven’t been able to speak about. It’s sad because she’s not wrong, I’m more like my brother’s daughter than my actual brother’s daughter.

I HAVE A BIG FAT CRUSH ON ROMAN, THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

I’m a little confused about their gender but it doesn’t really matter, I still have a crush on them.

I originally thought Roman and Abbi were going to be problematic queer people that we see so often irl, but I was very happy to be wrong (maybe I’m speaking a little soon since I still have one episode left but still). I wish the show did have some terrible queer people though, since they are so common nowadays.

Well maybe Cavendish is problematic queer. With they’re lack of regard for anyone who is a gay no-binary green non-disabled person, and how they so fast to call someone sexist even though “they don’t gossip”.

WAIT, O is the problematic queer. Just occurred to me now. Also shout out to her actor, Thaddea Graham, she did such a good job at making me hate O. I’m also so happy to see an Irish person WITH A REAL IRISH ACCENT on screen. Even cooler that’s she’s Chinese too. There are a lot of Irish Chinese people in Ireland you know, I feel like a lot of people who don’t know that.

If Eric and Otis don’t makeup I just might boycott Netflix.

If Connor somehow wins the election I also just might boycott Netflix.

Is it obvious I want Otis to win?

I’m really hoping Ruby gets a good ending, I’m really scared what they are going to do to her now.

IF JACKSON’S MUM IS HAVING AN AFFAIR IM SHUTTING NETFLIX DOWN.

I’m not so fond of Joanna, she reminds me a little bit of my little sister who I recently cut all ties with, but honestly just seems a little lost. Which is why she can be so annoying. And it’s not problematic annoying, she’s just got that naïve dysfunctional black sheep sibling energy.

WHERE ARE YAKOB, OLA AND LILY?!?!

Also Anwar and Olivia but I’m more upset about Yakob, Ola and Lily because they have an unfinished story from S3.

And I’m pretty sure Anwar’s actor has left for his new Netflix movie, which means Olivia has likely done the same.

I had a huge crush on Olivia back in S1 and S2.

ANYWAY, onto episode 8 the finale…

I’m so sad to say goodbye to Sex Education.

SEX EDUCATION SEASON 4 SPOILERS EPISODE 5

If you’ve not watched up to 25 minutes of episode 5 and don’t want spoiler, don’t continue. I don’t cover everything here but still.

Still watching Sex Education, on episode 5, and O just came out and I hate her even more.

I really hope no one says Otis outed her. And her asexuality doesn’t explain what she did to Ruby.

Fuck O, there’s no hope for me liking her now. I’m literally red in the face and getting a headache from anger.

If she’s supposed to make me punch my TV then the actress is doing a great job.

Also where the fuck is Lily and Ola? And are they trying to set up Joanna with Joy’s possible father? Is there going to be a big reveal? I’m scared about Joy’s father…

Also poor Yacob(?).

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I love your idea about EP 2. It sounds more better than the actual EP. Honestly Im disappointed of how Leona wasnt given his villain moment like Scar does. But I was even more disappointed that they made him more of a iredeemable person until EP 6. They couldve shown his more soft side like they did in his Bday.

[Referring to this post!]

Oh, thank you! ^^ I’m happy to hear that you like my rewriting of chapter 2!

Wow, I’m talking about Leona a lot lately 🦁 This is going to get lengthy, so look below the cut for my thoughts on Leona’s development chapters 3-5!

I definitely think that Leona’s Overblot seemed less... impactful (?) since Yuu and co. never got to directly interact with him much that chapter. It’s certainly weird to think about when they frequently ran into Riddle the last chapter. (It was also kind of sad that when we did get to see Leona interact with Yuu and co., he was just bullying them in Magift which seems petty in comparison to like... say, Azul, who although we didn’t interact with a lot, still got his important moments like protecting his contracts).

However! I don’t think that chapters 3, 4, and 5 left Leona “irredeemable”. Twisted Wonderland really plays with the concept of morality, what’s right and what’s wrong. To that end, many of the characters depicted are very morally grey. Yes, they do bad things, but they come from less than ideal circumstances and don’t know how to deal with their emotional turmoil and trauma. Each chapter’s ending isn’t a happily ever after—there’s loose ends, broken relationships, confused boys trying to get it back together. We see some of them try to work on themselves (Riddle and his temper, for example), others are still a slow work in progress (Kalim and Jamil mending their relationship), and as far as I can recall, Vil is the only one who apologizes for OBing because he already has a sense of maturity. For someone as stubborn as Leona, he seems very resistant to change, so I’m not surprised if he still comes across as no different than his initial introduction in chapter 2.

Rather than “irredeemable”, I think it would be more fair to say Leona is “stagnant”. And personally? I think the stagnation fits for his character! He’s lived his whole life with the mindset that others loathe him and that he will never succeed. He’s someone that is always fixated on the past, so of course improving himself (which takes time and effort) is difficult for him.

Another point I’d like to make is that while sure, it would be nice to see Leona’s softer side in the main story, it wouldn’t make much sense. Leona is never shown to be canonically close to Yuu and co. the same way that Grim, Ace, and Deuce are, and he has no reason to be nice to them. He helps them out in chapter 3, yeah, but he had a self-serving motivation behind it. Chapter 4 he wasn’t really around because he wasn’t relevant to the Scarabia arc, and chapter 5, we see him focusing on putting together the VDC venue. What reason does Leona have to be nice in these instances? I don’t think there really is one. (He is only “soft” to be polite to the birthday interviewer.)

I think if you read closely, you can see hints at Leona changing. He’s still pretty selfish in 3, but ultimately he DID choose to help Yuu and co. (just with his own motivation). In chapter 4, Leona is willingly returning home to the Afterglow Savanna for the holidays. In 5, Leona’s actively working WITH his team members on a project rather than leading them/sitting around and bossing them around like in the original chapter 2. He may not be perfect, but I feel like Leona is definitely taking those baby steps.

We should also consider that just because the game doesn’t show us Leona explicitly learning or being more kind, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t been doing so off-screen. A character can develop without us seeing it just as much as they can develop when we do see it. It wouldn’t make sense for the story to cut away from Yuu and co. to show Leona being “nicer” to Savanaclaw or other students either, as that would disrupt the focus on Octavinelle, Scarabia, and Pomefiore in their respective chapters.

The closest thing we get to “checking in” on characters post-OB is their cameos in other chapters where they’re just going about their normal school lives (like the booths in chapter 5 or the kidnappings of chapter 6). These are the moments you have to look at to see changes in behavior, subtle or not. Not every boy will announce that they’re going to confront a problematic figure in their life (like Riddle did in chapter 4, and I would argue that’s because Yuu is “closest” with Heartslabyul).

Leona never overstays his welcome, and he doesn’t have it in him to put on airs and be sweet to others. He’s still his arrogant and lazy self in chapters 3-5.

We don’t really get to see if he has changed significantly or not in these chapters because it is not that relevant to the stories being told. However, it does become relevant in chapter 6 because well, someone needs to explain what/who STYX is and establish what will happen while the Dorm Leaders have been kidnapped (aka hand power to Vice Dorm Leaders). It serves a clear purpose in the plot and it shows us that Leona has qualities of a good leader. He knows when he should surrender, and to leave his “people” in good hands while he is absent.

Again, I don’t think it’s Leona being irredeemable in chapters 3-5, but rather slow to change and still being unwilling to fully open up and trust others. There’s also the possibility of off screen development that we, the player, never see. I think he’s getting there, though (given all the subtle indicators)! Chapter 6 was a small glimpse into Leona’s full potential~

[coffee--writes]

The Message on the Wall

Pairing: James Potter x gn!Reader - Marauders x Reader Content

Word Count: 5.9k (jdklfdh im sorry) 

Warnings: Underage Drinking, Implications of... yeah. I think that’s about it. 

Requested: Yes, a long time (i feel bad for only getting to it but i hope the nonnie stuck around to see this piece) by an anon who asked for James x Reader with childhood best friends to lovers trope. 

Summary: In which, James Potter was busy writing himself a message on the wall but was too blind to read what he had to say. 

Pictures. 

In actuality they were only images. For Muggles, they stood stagnant, for James Potter they moved slightly. 

But in deeper meaning pictures were moments in time captured in a frame. They were a personal reminder of things that were, things that used to be and anything else that didn’t fall into one of the other two categories. 

James Potter adored pictures. His room was littered with them. A handful were of Quidditch players and Tutshill Tornados merchandise. One picture of him and his parents sat on the nightstand beside his bed. But adjourned on the wall to the left was a mostly blank wall. One small Tornados banner was pinned against the soft red paint and in the middle a picture he was particularly fond of. 

The film captured James at the age of four. A broom was clutched in his left hand and a toothy smile on his face as the wind rustled his hair causing it to stick up more than it already did. Beside him was you, your eyes crossed and your tongue licking a swirled lolly. 

When his mother had shown him the picture you had just left for home, making a young James quite sad that his friend couldn’t stay just a little longer. Euphemia Potter had smiled, handing the picture to her son. “It’s okay, my love. Now you have a piece of Y/N with you.” 

“How?” James had asked, his lower lip jutting out in a frown. 

Euphemia laughed. “The picture captures you together. Look how happy the two of you look!” she points at her son’s smile in the photo. “You can do whatever you’d like with it.” 

James grinned, his eyes lighting up once more. “I want to hang it, mum!” he dragged her hand into the bedroom with him, climbing on top of his bedsheets and pressing the picture to the wall. “Here. That way I can say goodnight to them even when they're not here.” 

Euphemia Potter smiled watching as her son tucked himself under the covers. “That’s a brilliant idea, James.” With a wave of her wand, two pins fastened themself to the wall, the photo beneath. 

That was the beginning of James’s love for pictures. More pictures would accumulate such as the one of him and his father at a Tornados game. Drawings you would give him of flowers and Kneazles. The pictures would come and go but yours stayed the same. An additional picture of you and James would later be added three years later when the two of you were seven. James’s broom no longer sat in one hand, instead was gripped with two and hovering five feet off the ground. He had a wicked smile on his face, his glasses slightly falling down his nose. You sat behind him, your small fingers clutching to his waist as the picture captured you mid-squeal. 

Time went on yet the pictures of the two of you stayed the same. Along with your drawings, which had improved dramatically since you were seven, he’d occasionally find a Hollyhead Harpies banner plastered to his wall. When he came to scold you, pink banners adjourned in his hand, you’d laugh at the pout on his lips. He could never stay angry at you and always joined in on your laughter. 

The final year before things would slightly change was the year before going to Hogwarts.  A third picture was added at the age of ten. The Potter family had accompanied your family on a trip to Diagon Alley in which you had bought your screech owl, Juniper. James had one arm wrapped around you. His hair was untidy and a goofy smile was on his face as his other hand flicked your forehead. Your eyes were closed mid-laugh as one hand pushed his face away and the other perched with Juniper who screeched happily on your available arm. 

Again, time went on quickly and changes were made in James Potter’s room but you were not one of them. He packed up his Hogwarts things the night of August 31st, leaving his room full of pictures with a soft smile. 

You rode on the train with him, both of you waving goodbye to your loved ones. You grinned at him wickedly, “Excited?” you ask. 

“Definitely.” he responded. “Do you have money for the trolley?” 

You slide into a train compartment, one small boy already sitting there. “Yeah. Do you need to borrow some?” 

James nodded and you rolled your eyes, handing money over to the kind witch who passed by, grabbing pumpkin pasties for you and Bertie Botts for James. 

The ride was life-changing as you made acquaintances with similar mindsets. Two more boys entered your compartment and along with the scrawny boy from before, all of you made it to Gryffindor. “Where dwell the brave at heart” as James liked to put it. 

First year was an interesting feat with James quickly falling head over heels for Lily Evans. Your friendship never faltered although the thought of her in his life made you feel odd. However, you were sure she wouldn’t be in his life for quite some time seeing as his persistent efforts were met with an equally stubborn rejection. 

“She’s a firecracker, that one.” he sighed, walking beside you down the hall after another devastating encounter with Lily. 

“You’re just embarrassing yourself now, my boy.” you reply, dubbing his nickname to ease the comment. 

He smirked. “Then why do you hang out with me?” 

“Because, I’m the one who makes sure you don’t cross the line from embarrassing to mortifying.” 

He shakes his head with a silly grin. “I doubt that. You love me. That’s why.” 

You laugh, an effective way of avoiding the curious ideas that ran through your young mind. “Don’t throw around the l- word so quickly! You’ve got to mean it.” 

James bumped your side. “But I’ve known you for years.” 

You ruffle his hair, making it messier than it already was. “Save it for Evans.” 

---

The year ended and the two of you went home to Northern England hands overflowing with Gryffindor red, spirits high with a drive for Quidditch practice and addresses from Remus, Peter, and Sirius tucked away in your pockets. 

James’s room changed tremendously that first year. Alongside the Tutshill Tornados merchandise were small Gryffindor banners, lions enchanted to roar at the touch. You had given him one of your sketches from the school year, one of Sirius and him laughing in Transfiguration, another of him and Peter skipping stones. The pictures of the two of you still remained, a small collection of dust coating the edges which he wiped away with a smile. 

Second year was merry and full of high spirits. James had acquired his father’s invisibility cloak which gave cause to a number of nighttime rendezvous and adventures in the kitchens. Suspicion arose on Remus, whose monthly disappearances came to your attention. With the help of Sirius and Peter, the group soon discovered Remus’s guarded secret and accepted the furry little problem with open arms. 

The Lily Evans situation did not get any better with James’s persistence holding up fiercely and her hatred toward him even more harsh. As Sirius had dubbed it, “Mate, at this point you’re never getting married.” Remus and Peter whole-heartedly agreed, sending James into an adolescent spiral. 

“What if I don’t get married, Y/N/N?” he confided in you by the shores of the Black Lake. 

You chuckled, his delirium quite adorable. “You’re going to get married, James. Trust me.” 

He sighed, snapping a twig between his fingers. “It’s not definite.” 

“Nothing is.” you counter. 

James groaned. “I know. I know. But I would like it to be. Wouldn’t you?” 

You contemplated the idea, a thought coming to your head. “What if it could be?” 

He stared at you curiously. Your eyes lit up and James grinned. “Hit me.” 

“If by the time we are thirty neither of us are married then we should get married to each other.” you propose, a proud smile on your face. “That way we can have a definite of our own.” 

James grinned. “I like that idea. But what if one of us gets married before that?”

You frown. “Then I guess it’d be a flop. But it’s better than nothing, right?” 

He agreed quickly. The sun was setting into a pond of pink. The wind rustled and birds chirped and the moment seemed picture perfect and James wished a camera would magically pop up and capture the moment so he’d be able to hang it on his wall for years to come. It did not work that way, instead, he turned to you with a smirk. “I don’t have anything to propose with.” 

You looked down in embarrassment and gave him a shove. “We’re not getting married yet! It’s just a deal not the real thing.” 

He rolled his eyes at you. “I know but it feels as though something special should happen. How about we seal with a spit swear?” 

You stick your tongue out and pretend to gag. “Ew! No.” you flick his forehead causing him to wince. He grins before flicking you back, watching as you fall back onto the grass. 

“I guess a flick works as well.” he sighs. “Y/N Potter has a nice ring to it.” 

Your head falls against his shoulder. “I can’t believe I might be a Potter one day. Sounds disgusting.” 

James laughs, the weight of your head feeling oddly familiar against his shoulder. “Oh, shut it!” 

--- 

The years came and went. Third year, James made the Quidditch team and he quickly became a ladies man despite his obvious pining over Evans. You made sure to keep his feet on the ground as you didn’t want his ego to get larger than it already was. You came to all his games, occasionally bringing a camera so that James could add his moments of glory onto his beloved room wall. There was the time he tried dedicating a shot to you and ended up getting knocked off his broom by a Beater. 

He made the next one thankfully. 

On the other hand, you had earned the title of master dueler amongst the third years for your quick arm and sharp spellcasting. While James was at Quidditch practice: you, Peter, Remus, and Sirius would practice in empty classrooms although after a while they became rather bored as you would always win. James would cheer you on, even when you beat him there was a compliment of your skill and he was more than anything, proud. 

The summer between third and fourth year was the year the Marauders got their first group picture together. Everyone had met up at the Potter residence, Euphemia Potter snapping the photo with Sirius and James to the left, Peter and Remus on the right, and you in the middle. James hung the picture on his wall as it was routine by now. The whole gang got to see his famous wall of pictures, his life an open storybook to anyone who looked closely. 

Fourth year sparked love, pranks, and new ideas. Peter went on his first date, flaming at the cheeks as his friends waved him off embarrassingly. Group pranks ensued upon Snape whose oily hair was dyed all colors of the rainbow by the end of the first semester. You had gone on your first date as well, Steven Goldstein from Hufflepuff whom James threatened to beat up and Sirius who gave him “a talk”. 

Most importantly, the group addressed Remus’s furry little problem seeing as each year he came back with more and more scars than before. Two ideas sparked up from the meeting and both were large feats that every member of the group was willing to take. 

“So wait..” Peter asked. “You want to make a map… that tracks everyone in Hogwarts?” 

James nodded and Remus shook his head. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Don’t look at me that way, Remus.” 

Remus shoved him lightly. “How would that even work though? Isn’t it a little invasive?” 

You smiled. “It most certainly is invasive but think about how awesome it’d be to have something like that. All we would need is…” 

“A complex locator spell.” you and Sirius said together. 

Everyone grinned. “Pete can do the drawing and sketching. He’s good at that stuff. We should check for secret passageways. All of us could do the magic. We’ve got the brains.” 

“I don’t think someone with brilliant magic technique would use the word brain to describe their intelligence.” you point out. James simply flicked you in the head. 

“And there’s the Animagi thing…” Sirius added. 

“That’s a reach.” Remus replied. 

“More than the map?” Peter questioned. 

Remus sighed. “You guys don’t have to do that for me. I’ve been transforming on my own for years. No need to have buddies now.” 

“Nonsense.” you say. “Anything for you, Rem. This is what you deserve.” 

The friends looked at each other silently. “Are we ready to pull off the biggest student feat in Hogwarts history?” Sirius whispered. 

“Aye, aye.” Everyone cheered. 

Peter grinned. “We’re up to no good.” 

James smiled back. “Then let us manage our mischief well.” 

WIth that the group commenced, exiting the abandoned classroom they used and taking off to class. James walked by your side as you headed to astronomy together. 

“I can’t wait till we pin this down. It’s going to be an epic year.” he grinned. 

You chuckle. “I know you’ll end up stalking someone, Potter. Evans by the looks of it.” 

He shook his head, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Nope. I’m gonna stalk you instead. See if you’re hiding any secrets from me.” 

You smile. “What secrets could I possibly be hiding from you, my boy?” 

James nudged your side with a smirk. “You’re telling me a good-looking fellow like yourself isn’t sneaking off with some other lad other than their best friends.” 

You shook your head, the word “good-looking” repeating itself in your mind. “No. If I did I would tell you.” 

“Good.” he said, starting up the stairs to the Astronomy tower. “I don’t need some arsehole stealing you away from me.” 

You roll your eyes. “No one could ever steal me from you, James. I’m not a Quaffle.” 

He nods with a grin. “Yeah. I suppose you’re more of a Snitch.” 

You laugh, dashing up the stairs in hopes that you wouldn’t be late for your Astronomy lesson.

--- 

As one could guess more pictures and sketches made their home on James Potter’s wall. It was a cluttered mess but beautiful nonetheless. It was as though the wall had an expression of its own with its array of Quidditch jerseys, photographs, art, and ticket stubs. Nobody touched the wall except James as he liked having every picture in place. His wall organized the way he liked it best… messy. 

Fifth year was the first year you didn’t see James every week. He had eagerly signed up for Quidditch camp and had left for Wales with promises that’d you write about the boys and the progress on the map and Animagi projects. The projects went well with Peter completing the outline sketches of the maps, Remus filling piles of papers on Animagi transformations and finally Sirius and you gathering the needed ingredients for the Animagi process. 

You had grown taller over the summer, hair lightening and your features more accentuated. Eagerly you awaited James’s return and when the time did come you had woken up early in the morning to see him arrive by Portkey on the hill. The second he appeared you had rushed over, engulfing him in a hug. You had missed his touch, his constant nagging and overall  the James Potterness that followed him around that would never fade with time. 

Meanwhile, he was left out of breath, a couple of inches taller and a smile on his face as he squeezed you back. “Y/N/N! I missed you, you lazy hag.” 

You laughed, messing up his hair that sat more neatly than in previous years. “And I missed you, my boy.” 

The next days before school were spent catching him up on the map and at the pond by your house. With each swim you noticed the changes in James such as the six-pack the tedious trials at Quidditch camp had given him. 

“Oi!” you shouted, splashing him in the face. “Whatever happened to the skinny twig that was my friend?” 

He smirked. “Oi! Why are you looking?” 

You bit your lip, not allowing him to see you flustered. “I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and it’s a very noticeable change!” you pointed at his toned stomach. 

James tapped your nose and you stared at him in annoyance. “It’s only noticeable if you want to notice it.” 

He turned around, making to walk back to the shore of the pond. You didn’t remember when James had gotten so cheeky although he’d always been that way, just never with you. Wickedly, you took the bucket that floated beside you and dunked it in the water. With a mischievous grin, you snuck up behind him, dumping the bucket of water on his head. 

James turned around with a gasp, jaw dropped. You laughed, a wide smile on your lips at the sight of him drenched in his swim trunks. It wasn’t until his arms tucked along your waist, dragging you to the deeper ends of the pond did the smile drop and his return. 

“Why you little…” you seethed. “James Fleamont Potter if you-” 

It was too late by then, your body submerged in the water and you swam up, his laughter the first noticeable sound. You scowled as he doubled over with laughter on the shore. “I’m never letting you go to Quidditch camp again.” 

The two of you walked home as the sun set, many flicks to the forehead ensuing as you did. 

---

Fifth year was by far the most epic year of your Hogwarts experience. Everything was prepared for the Animagi transformation and phase two of the map project was ready to launch with Remus having gained access to the restricted section of the library. 

It seemed as though the whole student body had recognized the change in James’s physique which only led to an inflation of his ego. The worst part was that Lily Evans just so happened to be one of those said noticers and while her defiance toward him was still strong, she could be caught staring in class much to James’s delight. 

The Animagi process began as soon as the September full moon. While Remus suffered in the Shrieking Shack, the four other Marauders set their Mandrake leaves into their mouths preparing for an uncomfortable month of bitterness on their tongues. The leaves were held under their tongues when talking in class and for the rest of the time they resorted to note passing leaving the entirety of Hogwarts wondering why the Marauders went quiet so suddenly. 

During the period between moons, they worked on their map. Stacks of books, both regular and restricted, lay among them. Each had a quill and parchment used to take note of spells or pass messages back and forth. As you worked you received a message from James in the form of a crumpled ball of parchment. You smoothed it out with a sigh. 

I hate this thing. It tastes like piss and lime. 

You held back a chuckle, writing your own message next to his. 

You’re not backing out of this, Potter. It’s for Remus. 

He stuck the leaf under his tongue in order to stick it out at you and you rolled your eyes. He scribbled a message back. 

I know. I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it. 

You smirked, tossing the parchment back to him. 

If your scrawny arse can come back from Quidditch camp with abs then you can stomach keeping a leaf in your mouth for a month. 

He smoothed it out and you went back to your work only getting in a minute's reading before the parchment bounced off your head. You scowled at his antics but he only looked at his book with a smirk. Unfolding the paper, James’s messy handwriting took up the last blank space on the parchment. 

Nice to know you still think about my abs. 

Your stomach squirmed at the feeling that inflamed from his words and the smirk that was on his face. You flicked him on the head, throwing the parchment into the fire before Sirius could ask what it was. 

--- 

It took moon soaked leaves, untouched morning dew and a lightning storm to finally complete the transformations. It was on a late November night that a lightning storm finally struck and in the fifth corridor bathroom the Marauders made their first transformations. For Peter, a small rat with a wriggling tail. For Sirius, a pure black dog. For James, a large stag with mighty horns. For you, a sly fox with sleek orange fur. 

Thus that night began the use of the nicknames: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs and Vixen. Dubbed by James and agreed upon all around. The final full moons of fifth year were spent prancing around Hogsmeade alongside Remus whose scars diminished with each transformation spent with his friends. 

The downside of it all was the building tension in the school. With Lord Voldemort on the rise, more and more of your classmates were showing their true colors. Select Slytherins no longer wore short sleeves, their wrists always covered even in the heat of summer. Watchful eyes and protective glares, you went home for summer in worry. 

Over the summer, Prongs lost his Pronginess. He wrote to Lily Evans most days of the week and now the things she sent him hung on his wall alongside you and the Marauders. An anticipated change but a scary one still. Every outing with James became more about Lily and less about anything else. You could feel your best friend slipping away and you told him so the night before the start of sixth year. 

The two of you sat together in the branches of a tree. The sun hit your skin in rays and clouds passed by over your heads. James’s voice droned on about his darling Lily flower and with an unknowing malice you snapped at him. “Shut it!” you groaned. 

His eyes looked over at you, hands holding your head in remorse. “Aren’t you happy for me? You’ve been acting off all summer.” 

“I’ve been acting off because you’ve been acting off. I am happy for you but Evans is the only thing you talk about these days. What happened to talking about the Tornados or sneaking out together for milkshakes?” 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “It’s different now.” 

“Well, it shouldn’t be.” you exclaim. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t grow up. I support the idea of you no longer being a cheeky bastard. If you’re happy with Evans then I am happy for you. But being with Evans doesn’t mean you have to forget about me or the Marauders or everything else.” 

James nodded, a leaf spinning between his fingers as he frowned. “I’m sorry, Y/N/N.” 

You shake your head. “I am too. Sorry I snapped at you, my boy.” your head fell onto his shoulder the same way it had done for years only this time things had changed. The weight still felt perfect on his shoulder but now his stomach turned and his breath hitched at the close proximity. Things were indeed changing although the two of you only danced around it, not wanting to address the mess you two had made. 

Your head was still against his shoulder as you spoke quietly. “Just remember you’re not a Quaffle.” 

He chuckled, stroking your hair affectionately. “I guess I’ll be the snitch then.” 

You smiled, swimming in the feel of the James Potter you knew so well. Later that night, the two of you snuck out like old times, sharing a chocolate milkshake and sending each other glances the whole way home. 

--- 

Sixth year was a rollercoaster. The map was finished, all the efforts poured out finally receiving an equally impressive outcome with the parchment branded with the names of the Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs and Vixen. Remus had his first kiss and Sirius decided on leaving home and James welcomed him with open arms. 

The other Marauders were not impartial to the changes in your and James’s behavior. The miniscule changes in his face when you napped on his lap or the flush of your skin when he rustled your hair. In all honesty, it was as though the two of you were finally waking up and seeing what they’d been seeing all along. However, your own defiance was strong and love wasn’t simple. James was still under the impression that his heart beat for Lily Evans and you flirted around your feelings as opposed to finally confronting them. 

When Gryffindor won the Quidditch season, you were the first one in James’s arms to congratulate him. He spun you around, a large grin on his face. “We won!” 

You smiled. “That you did, my boy. Celebration calls and are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “Hmm? Let me guess… Firewhiskey?” 

“That’s my boy.” you cheer, linking your arm in his and dragging him off the field as Lily Evans watched the boy she had taken a chance on run off with someone else.

---

Firewhiskey made for a fine celebration and resulted in James and you collapsed on the floor of the Gryffindor common room at two in the morning. His glasses were crooked as he stared up at the ceiling and your hair fell in waves on the floorboards. 

“Blimey, I can’t believe we won.” James chuckled, his words slurring together slightly. 

“You deserve it, my boy.” you say, lightly punching his arm. “How are you feeling on this fine evening?” 

His cheeks went pink but a smile overtook his features making for a hilarious expression when he shouted out. “Randy!”  

You doubled over with laughter. “Gosh, James. I don’t need to hear about this.” you shove his grinning face with your palm. 

“What, you've never felt randy before?” he asked, a childlike expression on his face juxtaposing such an intrusive question. 

You hide your embarrassment behind a grin. “Yes, but I’m not going around telling you about it.” 

He tapped your nose with the tip of his finger and your stomach swirled. “And why not?” 

You turned over to your side. “I’m not sure best friends tell each other about being randy, Prongs.” 

James sighed. “I guess not. But how are you feeling, my little vixen?” 

With a swig of your drink and a grin you reply. “Randy.” 

The two of you erupt into fits of laughter. James pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I suppose it’s the whiskey then.” 

You stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I suppose so.” 

Both of you knew that wasn’t the case. You knew that despite the whiskey slowing the gears of your mind you still noticed James’s hand laying by your waist. You could still trace the outline of his chin and the bridge of his nose. James could still see the curve of your lips and the rise of your chest. Firewhiskey was most definitely not the cause of your randiness. 

But it was the easiest thing to blame. 

--- 

Your birthday came soon after with the Marauders celebrating in joy. Presents were exchanged with Remus giving you some books, Peter knitted (with the help of his mother) a pair of mittens for you and Sirius had gifted you a record to play on your stereo. 

But James had to be extravagant. It wasn’t everyday his best friend turned seventeen and he marked the occasion with something expensive yet meaningful. When you opened the small box inside had been a silver fox ring. It’s eyes sparkling gems that twinkled as if blinking. 

“James, I’m going to kill you.” you seethed. “This is way too expensive. I’m turning seventeen not fifty.” 

He laughed. “Oi, woman! It’s fine. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Besides, only the best for you.” 

You stared at it once more before engulfing him in a hug. “It’s beautiful, my boy. Thank you.” 

His arms squeezed your waist, breathing you in and remembering the sweet smells of childhood and friendship rolled into one. His eyes closed and it was as if he had drifted off into a pleasant dream. “Of course, my little vixen.”

You made certain to flick his head after. 

He was starting to regret giving it to you already. 

---

Sixth year came to a close with an even more devastating end than the last. The war only continued to rage with Muggles being murdered miles away from the school, Muggle-borns driving into hiding. Sirius’s brother was slowly falling into line with the other Slytherins, devoting their hours to the torture of Muggleborns, Lord Voldemort and the likes. 

James left Hogwarts heart-broken when Lily Evans broke up with him on the last day of term. “Look around!” Lily had told him. “You’re blind, James. I’m not the person you want and it’d be clear if you’d stop and take a look.” 

He hadn’t known what she meant and the first week of summer was spent crying and eating ice cream on the sofa with you by his side. His room had become a mess and Lily’s letters no longer remained on the wall instead crumbled up in a ball in the trash. 

Euphemia Potter couldn’t dread to see her son in the dumps any longer and she made sure to tell him so one evening after you had left. 

“James, you need to get your life together, my love.” she whispered, rubbing her sons back reassuringly. 

His words came out muffled into her neck. “It’s hard.” 

“I know.” she soothed. “And I’m always going to be there for you.” 

“Promise?” he asked. 

“Promise.” she smiled. “Now how about you go clean your room. It’s become quite dirty.” 

He nodded, trudging to his room with a broom. Lily’s words repeated in his mind as he entered. “You’re blind, James. Look around!” But there was nothing to look for. All he saw was his wall and a soft smile came to his face as he approached it. The Tutshill Tornado banners clung loosely to the paint and drawings of Kneazles and landscapes and trees. Pictures of the Marauders and Gryffindor lions. 

And finally the ones of you. 

His fingers ran across the picture in the middle. Four-year old James grinning and you licking a lolly. His eyes moved to the next one, seven years old and flying together on a broomstick. A grin broke out on his face as he saw the one with your owl in Diagon Alley, his fingers flicking your forehead. James’s mind was on hyperdrive as he examined each picture, one common factor in almost all of them. 

You. 

You were in many of the photos, a smile adorned on your face. If you weren’t in the photos you were the one taking them, knowing how much he adored them. Any pictures that hung were sketched by your hands. Here was James Potter’s open story, the story of his life all plastered to the wall as though it was an empty canvas. Present in every moment, every aspect, had been you. You had been the start of his book, the picture of the two of you as tots still smacked in the middle of the wall. Yes, he realized. You had started his book and had remained in it for quite some time. 

Lily Evans must’ve noticed and maybe everyone else had too. 

James had been blind to the message that was sprawled across his wall. He had been the one writing it, maybe not knowingly but writing it out all the same. Everyone had seen it except the writer and his subject, the message painstakingly clear years prior to its conception. 

He quickly removed all the pictures from the wall, grabbing each one that hung and piling them up in his hand. The door swung open as he dashed out of his room yelling, “I’ve got to go, mum!” before running out the front door. The hills of green were illuminated by the night sky, the stars burned for James as he hopped over branches and boulders to get to you. 

Your house was in the distance, your figure standing a few feet away from the home. He called out to you, your eyes turned to meet his. When he reached you, he paused, catching his breath. 

“James, what on Earth are you doing here?” you laugh, placing a hand on his shoulder as he breathed. 

He stood up straight, panting as he held up a photo. “This is us when we were four. The first photo we ever took together.” 

You squinted at him. “Right?” 

He shuffled through the pictures, fingers tracing each one. “And this is from when we were seven. That one from when we were ten. You gave me this drawing when we were six because you loved Kneazles and wanted one as a pet. That drawing was from the first year when we went skipping stones at the Black Lake and you sketched me and Peter.” 

Your face melts slowly. “James, I don’t understand. You’ve had these for years.” 

He exhaled, his eyes lighting up. “That’s the thing. I never saw it till now but Lily said I was blind and that she wasn’t the person I wanted.” You nod, wiping the sweat from his forehead with your sleeve and he grinned. “See that right there. That’s what I want.” 

The night air bit at your spine. “You want me to wipe the sweat from your forehead?” 

He shook his head with a soft chuckle. “Not exactly. I want you to wipe the sweat from my forehead for the next year and the next ten and then the next fifty. You’ve been doing it for years already and the thing is… I don’t think I want anyone else doing it for me.” 

You blinked as he came closer, his palms cradling your cheek as you gazed into his eyes. “You’ve been in my life for as long as I could remember and I want you to stay in it for as long as I live. You told me once to not throw around the l-word and I said…” 

“But I’ve known you my whole life.” you mutter. 

“I think I’ve loved you for a while. I just didn’t know it yet.” 

You shook your head as the wind rustled the branches, the windchime on your porch creating soft melodies. A large grin spread across your lips yet you continued to shake your head. “There’s a war, James.” 

He smiled. “Only more the reason to be with me.” 

“But I’ve been with you my whole life.” you tease. 

“Oh, shut up!” he chuckles, before leaning down to capture your lips. At that moment everything made sense. All the pieces of the puzzle sifted into place and the stars applauded you from the sky and the night gale created a ruckus at your shed blindfold. 

“Be my Snitch?” he asked. 

You rolled your eyes, “That’s the cringiest thing you’ve ever said, my boy.” 

He smirked. “Oh, but you love it.” 

“Perhaps I do.” you replied, flicking his forehead for good measure. 

---

Let me know what you thought? Send an ask to be added to my taglist!

Forever Friends: @coperative @awritingtree @officiallydarkgeek @exhsle @lenalxvegood @readzwith-xol @a-candle-maker @datrie @temporaryissue @ungodiys @coffeewithoutcaffeine @magicalxdaydream​

Harry Potter Taglist: @amrtxntia​ @seggsyvampire​@lxncelot​@theravenclawgal​@iamninaanna​ @mashaylaweasley @onyourgoddamnleft​ @irlpadfoot​ @chaotic-fae-queen​ @swanimagines​ @lunalovegoodisgay​@whyisallthecoolstufftaken​ @inglourious-imagines​ @amourtentiaa​ @myshaahmad77 @scurllgirl71

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[aenxiome]

Chapter 3: Suck it up Fenton

The rest of the day ended up being lackluster.

In the beginning, things were going well, seating assignments had been changed, and more teachers roamed the halls during and between classes. Unfortunately, the changes aren't going to last. While teachers were punishing students for bad behavior, it wasn't always the ones who did the deed that got punished. It is almost like the trouble makers started rapidly evolving. Many of the A-List target students got detention, with their reflective bully doing a whole 180 when a teacher showed up. Thankfully I managed not to get detention for a second day and a row, but that may be from Dash getting in trouble earlier today.

I may be giving my classmates more credit than they are worth, though. Before today, none of the teachers ever monitored the events in the hallways—giving everyone free rein to do what they wished without any consequences. This isn't anyone evolving. This is their way of getting around the new, hopefully, standards that they are trying to implement. If things continue to go this way, the A-Lists and others are just going to become less subtle in their actions. Not that I expect them to be able to pull it off in the end, but the new arrangement might cause even more issues.

'Great going Fenton, you just screwed everyone, I tell myself. Not everyone can handle themselves as well as you can. This is going to mean so much trouble. But, I try to look on the bright side, thinking about Astronomy. I got some papers back today, full credit on my star chart, though that's pretty much expected of me at this point. So not too surprising. Hopefully, other classes will improve with the seating arrangements being changed, but there is no way of telling if they truly will.

Once classes were over and done with, I met up Sam and Tucker at the Nasty Burger. The restaurant is just starting to get busy with the constant incoming groups of students coming through the door. Thankfully we can claim our regular booth and put in an order for food. " So, how did your guys' day go?" Tucker asks, fiddling with one of his newer PDAs. He goes through PDAs as Dad goes through fudge, a lot of them and all the time. Sam and I just shrug in response and continue the conversation going through some random small talk.

In the middle of our conversation, Tucker suddenly goes still and stares at the PDA. He shoves the device in front of Sam's face making her read whatever has grabbed his attention. Once she is done looking at whatever it is, she and Tucker make eye contact conveying something to each other that I am unable to make out. Sam starts to say something but is interrupted by our food arriving.

"Danny," Tucker says as I shove fries into my mouth, " what happened last night?" I give him a questioning look. Sam slides over the PDA it is showing a local news article. The headline, "MORE DESTRUCTION IN AMITY," is plastered at the top. Below it shows a picture of a destroyed abandoned lot, the same lot from the fight with Skulker earlier this morning.

MORE DESTRUCTION IN AMITY

by Charisma Lynn

This morning residents of this local neighborhood woke up to the remains of another ghost fight. All around the grounds, traces of the battle can be found. Burn marks cover the ground in many areas showing the intensity of the fight. When officials first got on the scene, they found a couple of abnormalities not commonly seen. In a couple of different places, shattered pieces of ghostly green energy can be found. At first appearance, the pieces look like stained glass, but after the first contact turns into a gooey substance. Residents are being told not to worry as the substance is completely harmless but to still take caution. Along with the glass-like substance is a frozen piece of the ground. Even in the sunlight, the spot has shown no difference and is as hard as a rock. Out of the earth is a broken piece of ice. So far, we are unable to tell where the ice has come from, but our best guess is from some kind of ghostly interference. Many residents of the neighborhood have to ask where Phantom was? Was he part of the destruction, or is there a new ghost in town? Find out more tonight at 6 on APC.

I look up from the article to see Sam and Tucker staring at me. I shove more unsalted fries into my mouth. Did you know salt is a natural ghost repellent I, unfortunately, learned that the hard way. Never again. I finish chewing before reassuring them, " Guys, it's fine it was just a typical ghost fight." Tucker starts on his food apparently satisfied with my answer while Sam looks like she is getting ready to argue, but I interject before she gets the chance.

" It was just Skulker, it wasn't anything too bad" the mixture of "too bad" and Skulker grabs Tucker's attention once again. With him too now giving me a critiquing look over. " Are you sure dude? You aren't hurt anywhere are you?" His voice started to become a little bit frantic as he says, "Because Im not going to the hospital. Sorry but that's where I draw the line."

" Okay, but that doesn't explain what's up with the ice spot and glassy thingy," Sam says, bringing us back to the point of the conversation. " Not now," I tell them. I glance around the crowded room before looking back to them, "not here."

They look as if they are preparing to argue as I whisper, " in private." I get a couple of questioning looks as I continue, " Theres' too many people that could overhear" With the promise to talk about it later, our meal went back to everyday small talk and griping about whatever else is bothering us.

Thankfully they let it go. For now, at least.

We finish up our meal and leave the restaurant, then start on down the road. "So," Sam asks, looking in my direction, " where exactly are we going? Your place?" I start to agree but get cut off by Tucker, " We should go to the lot." I give him a questioning glance. He continues his thought, saying, " The picture in the article doesn't show much, and you never know the media could be over-exaggerating again."

"Why not," Sam says with the tone of excitement in her voice, " sounds like fun." I stop walking as I think it over. Before I can say anything, the two of them rush off ahead in the direction of the lot while a feeling of dread overtakes me. "Guys," I call out to them, trying to catch back up, " I don't think this is a good idea." I tell them in a rush, "I will tell you about it when we get to my place. We don't need to go there." Sam narrows her eyes at me before saying, "you're hiding something."

" No, that's not it," I wring my hands in my shirt, unsure of how to proceed. She doesn't let up with her glare at my words. Sam sighs and comes towards me, grabs my arm, and pulls me along with her. I try to pull myself away without hurting her, but I just can't seem to do it. Finally, I become resigned and hesitantly follow without protest.

Didn't they read the same article that I did? It says authorities looked at the lot. They would have had to call ghost experts. Who is to say that they still aren't there? What are we going to say if the Guys In White stuck around? Or even worse, my parents.

When we arrive, the lot is empty, only showing past signs of anyone having been here. The three of us cautiously walk towards the destruction. Next to me, I hear Tucker gasp before saying, "Oh my…" he stops himself before saying anything else. Sam isn't much better putting her hand around my arm in a vice grip.

Before them stands the evidence of one of my fights. In the daylight, the damage looks worse than it did under the moon, making me feel even worse about our actions than I already do. The ground doesn't look so much burned but scorched. As if a fire had burned away its beauty and left a hot steaming pile of muck in its place.

The few trees that line the property have missing limbs that have either splintered or lie on the ground. Shards of ectoplasm are scattered around in the grass, waiting for an unsuspecting human to fall victim to its goo or a ghost to impale its self on its sharp edges. In the middle of it, all is the spikey ice collum surrounded by the frozen frosty ground.

" So they under exaggerated this time," Tucker said, trying to bring humor to the situation, " who would have guessed." I look away from them, ashamed. " It didn't look this bad at night," I say softly, " It didn't" Unable to meet their eyes, I walk forward towards the Ice. Sam and Tucker tell me not to touch anything that I don't know where it comes from As I get near it. I ignore them and put my hand on the side of the spike. Even in human form, I am still unable to feel any of its coldness. It feels just as warm as the air around us, a little moist but not cold.

Sam and Tucker, at some point, walk towards the spike and join me at my side while I inspect the spike. " What does it feel like to you?" I ask. " Dude, it's Ice, it's cold. What else is it supposed to feel like?" I continue to glide my hand over the ice while telling them to humor me. I watch as they put their hands onto the ice, and as soon as they touch it, their hands go flying away from it. They both hold their hand as if something is attacking them. "Danny, how can you touch that!" Sam exclaims, " that stuff is freezing!"

" It feels warm to me," I tell them nonchalantly as if this is an everyday occurrence. " Danny, this isn't normal," Sam says in a worried tone. I don't say anything in response, knowing that this isn't normal for human beings, not at all. Instead, I stare at the ice, trying to figure out how to fix it, when suddenly, an idea comes to my head. I look towards them and hum to catch their attention, "Hey, do you think you can back up for a second? I have something I want to try."

As soon as they are far away enough, I check and double-check that no one is around. Before going forward on my idea, I yell to Tucker, " Tuck, can you check for cameras and stuff first?" He pulls out his PDA and tells me, " No problem with 'Simone' I'll know if anything is there in a jiffy." I wait a second until I hear him give the okay and start my attempt.

My eyes start to glow an icy ethereal blue as I stand before the spike and tap into my ice core. I can feel the cold rushing through me and out to my surroundings. In my presence, the spike starts to repair itself as I let my core come to the surface. In the middle of the spike, I can feel a connection to myself, its ectoplasmic connection to myself. Instead of pushing the ice out, I pull it in, and before my eyes, the ice starts to melt. Instead of shattering like before, it slowly becomes raw energy becoming a blue-white blob.

I gather as much energy as I can from the earth, defrosting it and adding it to the rest of the blob. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding when all of the ice finished melting. I look around the lot for the scorched places, instinctively knowing what to do. I melt the icy ectoplasmic blob even more into water and send it around to saturate the ruined earth. When the ecto-water hits the ground, the earth lets out a satisfying hiss. The ground looks as if it has partially recovered, making it look like months have gone by instead of only a few hours since the initial conflict. Slowly I let go of my core, letting my eyes go back to their normal human hue. A smile comes to my face at my accomplishment, and I look over at Sam and Tucker. They are both staring at me with huge eyes with different emotions flashing through them: amazement, surprise, and wonder.

I go to take a step towards them when the world starts to spin. I feel myself stumble forward. " Danny!" I hear my name called out in fear and a rushing of feet coming to me. A wave of nausea hits me hard, and I lose my balance falling forward. Luckily Sam is just close enough for me to fall onto. "Danny," I hear my name called out again, " oh my gosh, are you okay?" Feeling too weak to answer, all I can do is groan.

" What are we going to do?" I hear Tucker ask Sam frantically, " we can make it to his place from here, and both of our houses are on the other side of town." The two of them keep coming up with ideas that won't work to get us out of the lot. I try to interject but just moving my mouth causes me pain.

Finally, I manage to groan out a name, "Jazz," but they don't seem to hear me. I try again, a bit louder this time, "Jazz," Sam stops talking, and when Tucker doesn't, I listen to her hit him in the back of the head. "Hey, what was that for" he complains, "Shush, Danny said something." With the raging quiet for the last time, I groan, "Jazz."

A quick vague phone call later and give or take a few minutes, Jazzs' car pulls up, and they give a sigh of relief. I hear a door slam and a worried Jazz making her way over. When she gets to us, I try to look up at her and grab her attention, but I am unable to reach her eyes. " What happened" She interrogated as she crouches down to take hold of me. I feel fatigued and start to lose track of the conversation. The next thing I know, someone has picked me up, and I'm in the car. I feel at ease with the motion of the car as we race home. It doesn't take long for me to close my eyes and fall asleep.

When I come to, I'm staring at the old stick-on stars that are attached to my bedroom ceiling. I cautiously sit up, feeling the strain of an invisible muscle, my core, in my chest. My sister and friends are spread out in the room, passed out exhausted. I glance at the clock next to my bed and read the time 3:18 AM. I try to get up from the bed, but I tumble down onto the floor. The sound wakes up Jazz, making her spring into action, helping me back up. "Hey," she whispers, "don't move too fast. You are still recovering."

I wince a little at the movement. Once she gets me steady, I whisper, "Can you help me get to the bathroom." She nods and carefully helps me to the bathroom. Once everything is situated, Jazz brings me back to my room and helps me onto the bed. I scoot over, making enough room for her to join me, which she quickly accepts.

"They told me what happened at the lot," she says, motioning towards my friends, " What were you thinking trying something like that?" She admonishes. I snuggle into her, getting comfortable before starting my defense, " I was just trying to clean up the mess we make," With a look, I explain further, " Skulker and I fought there last night. It went a little longer than expected. I didn't realize that we made such a mess."

"What about the ice," she inquires. I give half a shrug, " It was unexpected; I don't know how it happened." I tell her truthfully, " I plan to go visit Frostbite this weekend and see if he knows anything." She starts raking her hand through my hair then continues the conversation, " They said you got rid of the ice and fixed part of the ground? They didn't explain it too well. Care to elaborate?"

"It's weird. I just kind of knew how to do it. It was like…." I trail off, not liking the word I need to use. Jazz, unfortunately, knew where to pick up at, "Instinct?" She questions, with my silence being the only acknowledgment she needs. She sighs before saying, "It's okay, you know, to admit it." We lay there for a while before I decide to respond, " I can't." I react in denial, " If I acknowledge it, then it makes it true." Jazz lets out a breathy laugh at that, " So, what if you don't talk about it? It's going to go away?"

" I wish," I mumble, "It's just if I talk about it, then it becomes more real. I can pretend to be normal." She scoffs at my response, " Normal is overrated anyway." I let out a yawn and looked over at the time 4:03 AM. " Can we talk about this later? It's late." She lets out a yawn of her own, having caught mine before saying accusingly, " You just don't want to talk about it." I don't deny her accusation but put some more distance between the two of us and painfully turn over.

What does she want me to tell her? That I feel drawn to go to Ghost Zone? That I like laying around in my ghost form? I can get away with feeling like me under the stars and use insomnia as an excuse, but there is no way to explain anything else. If I told her some of these things, it would just be more of a confirmation of what I already know: I'm a freak.

" Good night, Jazz."

"Good night, little brother."