#i feel like she wouldnt do this tho
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I really like how in s3 they made an active effort to show how Hannibal really did live in his mind palace as much as he could while in the BSHCI.....absolutely devastating
#i think about this a lot#like man. he really did retreat into it#i also think about will asking him if he could live like that a lot#when they're burning all his records in the fireplace#i feel like it was partially a way for will to assuage his own guilt#that he could put hannibal in prison and know that it wouldnt destroy him#he wouldnt be happy - maybe not even content but. he could cope w the lack of freedom#making himself feel better abt the decision he was still contemplating doing#i wonder also if will would've visited Hannibal in prison if he did get put away in s2#he didnt visit him in s3 until the end but...there was more between them then#for better or worse#s2 was a strange time where they were both so close w a veil between them#and also abigail being alive would've altered things drastically#anyway#off course#i like that he lived in his mind palace as he said he would#gut wrenching to see my pookie like that#she had it coming tho#whats that one post#free my man#he did all of it but#free him#hannibal#hannigram#hannibal lecter
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I want the fnaf dbd chapter to be good so bad
#like theres literally no evidence that it wont be good yet at all#but its FNAF.#like dbd is so creative and has majorly been cooking with recent chapters stepping out of their comfort zone#fnaf chapter has so much potential#but im just afraid itll just be springtrap and a nightguard thats it#no cosmetics of other characters besides like og Freddy fazbear or vanessa survivor#even tho dbd usually has 1 female and 1 male survivor and vanessa is a female security guard important to story and she has a FACE#like it just feels like exactly the kind of L we would take#that somehow she wouldnt make it in#like please behavior cook 😭#give us a vanessa survivor and vanny cosmetic on the springtrap killer and my life is yours#especially because killers have recently been allowed to interact directly with the survivors from their chapter???#like imagine a vanny killer having special lines with a vanessa survivor#fucking peak#the potential is there but you know. its fnaf and im talking about SW era characters here#i have hope but man i hope we get trailers/teasers soon bc im so hesitant to expect all this cool stuff#even tho it genuinely is on track with what dbd does with everything else they do and not wishful thinking#thoughts#pre dbd x fnaf
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alas, turns out grad school is hard so i haven't been drawing much of anything BUT. now. some side characters for yall
#original#ocs#art#satyrs#artists on tumblr#character design#Heiti Varrater#Tcham Bakome#Angus Singh#HAII. i've needed to design these 3 in particular for EVER. finally i have done eet#i actually. really REALLY like how bakome turned out. he looks FANTASTIC#bang on with this guy. he looks great#also rlly like how singh turned out. that dude is singh for sure#heiti.... she's giving me problems. as she does best#this is her 2nd design now and it's better than my first but theres something still missing. idk what#ill probably continue to refine her with time#grouping her with these 2 is kinda odd cause like. she has nothing to do with them other than being in the same general storyline#like she never really meets them?? maybe once for a brief period. idk i havent thought about it much#they're on different ships. theyre doin different things#but theyre all side characters that are relatively important SO. put them together#ive resigned to just. drawing humans with pointy ears. bcause why the fuck wouldnt i#every other species gets fun ears. give humans some point to em why not#there is a. range. of feelings about these guys#LOVE heiti. she sucks (affectionate). she's fantastic. obsessed with her#bakome has lots going on and im not even sure of most of it. but he is VERY interesting and he occupies a cool middle space of like.#doing no harm but preventing no harm either. doing no harm but allowing harm to be done. he has morality but he turns the other way#idk. i like him and i think he borders on sucks but either way he's interesting#and then there singh. god he sucks. he sucks so bad. worst of em all. captain worst#the harm that is being done is allowed by him because hes the captain and that's if hes not just doing it himself. fuck that guy#i do think hes fun tho. hes. a little flatter than bakome rn but hes still got SOME interesting stuff going on. just a lil
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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that last kieran analysis drives me particularly insane because ive always thought he was way older than the rest of the fandom seems to. reading fic and people are writing him to be like 19?? like ive always thought he was in his late 20s minimum, possibly up to early 30s. he talks about his time in the army, does that not imply a similar age range to bill? i dont know what got into peoples heads that he would be under 20 in some cases
#do i tag this. do i#hh#well. why not. i will participate in fandom instead of staying holed away in my little corner#not main tagging tho#kieran duffy#just that one#youre all just lucky i didnt she/her kieran for this post. making it accessible.#granted he could be in the army at any given time but i feel like someone like. uhm. him. wouldnt willingly go#it would be conscription of some sort in my mind.. or bottom of the barrel desperation for money#i wanna give him proper war trauma. let him be a certain reflection of bill. men who handled their times in the army#very very differently#idk
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little
#like yea that is a very common basic thing that happens to a lot if not most adults#but also i think i get homesick a bit too easy#when i moved away from home i moved to the closest big city that's only an hour away and i was already deeply familiar with it#but i was so sad despite knowing i personally could never thrive in my hometown#i wanted to experience the big city but it was so scary and it still is and i miss the comforts of my hometown but it's not just me that#has changed#dont get me wrong i wouldnt move back bc i have hobbies and friends and a job and most likely a career in the city i live in#and this truly is a place i don't think i could ever move away from. unless it is to a neighboring city#it's so hard for me to imagine there are people who move not just across the country but a completely different country and they just. adap#i could never. i was visiting my hometown every week for like the first year i lived here#i eventually want to move to a bigger apartment and ive been looking at places already even tho i need to graduate before doing that#and i'm. getting homesick just thinking about moving to a different part of the city.#i like the area i live in. i like the cornerstore and the distance to the closest grocery stores and parks#i like how my grandma used to live in this area when she was around my age#i'm not good with change and i know it but there are several things about moving that make me miserable#like yeah obviously i will move out from my single bedroom apartment when i can and i'll be so happy and it'll be good for me#but despite having lived here for only a bit more than 4 years i'll miss this apartment. i have so many good memories from here and i'll#never be able to visit it again and have it feel the same#but that's the least sad thing imo. i dread being in a different area more lmao#but it's fine i know i'll adapt as long as i don't have to move to a different city ever again gfsahgak#idk ive had a long day and im feeling a bit melancholic#i'll sleep in tomorrow >:3c#leevi talks
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having an oc story set this year is really fucked up bc i look at the calendar and i'm like "oh shit we got [character]'s death in a few days waow..."
#oc liveblogging#<- NEW TAG FOR DUMB SHIT!! ive decided. im going to speak ominously and with no context about things going on in my head#i really really reallyyyy wanna post more oc stuff soon bc theyre consuming my brain but i cannot draw cool refs and stuff fast enough#bc im busy as FUCKK 😭 BUT IM AN EXPERT AT SPEWING NO CONTEXT BULLSHIT SO LETSGO itll be really funny guys trust#i had to change timeline shit bc i realized a major plotpoint element would've been impossible bc it wouldnt have existed? so i had to shif#tho this does still work out to my benefit bc as im doing a huge overhaul of things i can draw on more recent experiences for inspo#bc lowkey funnily enough it IS recent circumstances that inspired me to start revamping a bunch of this shit in the first place#BUT YEAH NO IT FEELS REALLY WEIRD LOL. just knowing like a character's new bday is in a few days. and that they die like a week afterwards#biting shaking my cage UOUGGUUHHH i wanna say more but i also am notoriously bad. at actually saying more. theres a lot going on in here#i think if i do more of these it'll be funny bc its like 'what the hell is she talking abt' YOU'LL FIND OUT :3 maybe
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much love and good vibes with this opinion: frankly tired of the general idea that ellie has no reason to still be upset with joel in game 2. like okay YES, he did it all to save her. YES, he made the right choice (imo), NO, he shouldn’t regret it at all
but he 100% lied to her for longer than he had to, not because it was best for HER but mostly because HE liked how it felt to be close to ellie and was scared to lose that. which is valid, but not enough of a reason to hide the truth from someone you claim to love.
#and yes i do see the merits of not putting all that on a teenager#but she was going to find out eventually#instead of hiding her from the truth he couldve actually told her earlier so that it wouldnt have been as much as a betraya#then he at least wouldve been able to be there for it#but to say joel doesnt deserve the cold shoulder??????? is so baffling to me????????#he lied to the one person in the world that gives him 100% of her trust#ellie trusts joel not just to keep her safe but to treat her as a person#and in denying the truth he denied that#i get lying in the moment like while theyre in the car#butnonce they got back to jackson and she was locked into those gates and started calling their place home he shouldve told her#just wanted to share my thoughts tho feel so so free to disagree#opinions#the tipsy bison
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so if im thinking what my ideal ending for amy/rory would have been i think we would have nixed the whole river is her daughter storyline for so so so so so so many reasons, but the reason she leaves is... yeah she gets pregnant and realizes she wants to raise a family with rory. OR! something more like she knows rory's still going for her but he's ready to settle down and live life one day at a time and she kind of does it for him. like another version of her choosing rory/a family with rory/family life in general over the crazy adventure life with the doctor which i think suits her arc
alternatively, i think god complex is a good ending if it had been the proper ending.
#just musing#dana rants#the real ending is so riddled with plotholes and he obviously wanted it to be#simultaneously tragic without being bleak#but i really do think that a more understated ending would have worked well for amy and made sense with her arc#although having river song be her child (a beloathed arc to me) kinda fucks with everything#anti moffat#(i guess lol)#i like the companion exits chibnall did actually!#like u could tell graham didnt want to go but knew it wouldnt be the same w/o ryan#and gave up the tardis to be with his family#and yaz kinda gets dumped!#u get the vibe that she wouldve stayed on with the doctor but the doctor leaves her#which feels very sarah jane old school companion exit#nothing beats rtds companion exits they are ALL perfect arc enders#and he probs shouldn't have undone donna's ending tbh#even tho i didn't luv this season/ruby#her ending worked really well for me too. she wants to be HERE in the NOW. it was good
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This might not be anything, but while writing about your fics, the way you have the characters' mannerisms down PERFECTLY got me thinking about mirroring...
There's a lot of it in 7 (Horii is a directorial genius etc etc), most of it more intentional than these probably are, but there's something so interesting about mirroring that takes the tone of a (relatively) fond memory, a familiar gesture, and inverts it in the way shown here.
OH I'M GLAD YOU'VE NOTICED THESE TOO I think I mentioned it months back (or I drafted a post 'bout it but didn't think it was anything noteworthy) but I always really did like how the Arakawa Family mimicked each other's mannerisms (also circling back to how Jo and Masato calling Ichiban 'Ichi' presumably after picking it up from Arakawa)!
Aoki actually does the same sitting gesture too! I went back to double check and skim through the rest of the game's cutscenes, and as far as I could tell unless I skipped a scene, it really is only these three that do this specific pose:
It's such a small detail but I love it immensely and it really does highlight their connections with each other and it drives me insane
#snap chats#the fact aoki holds his left fist with his right like jo..... im gonna be sick... (crying)#potential hints that aoki really does favor jo and/or spends more time with him... or i might be delirious. could be both even..#focusing on how jo mimics arakawa though i dont think i have to say i love how it is inverted intention wise#like of course in arakawa's situations he's in a position where he's helping ichi and speaking calmly with him#while with jo Evidently each interaction is more tense and antagonistic#really is a cool way to emphasize that whole 'step parent' angle if that makes sense#OH BUT THANK YOU ON MY WRITING that's a huge compliment: i'm glad you think i have their mannerisms down !#accuracy is a big thing to me... in case we haven't picked that up yet.... i should relax a little tbh--#BUT i'd like to think my brain's good at visualizing things and i think i've 'studied' enough to get an acceptable result in what i show#it's like... if i can't see it in my head clearly or it doesn't look right then i wanna keep trying until it DOES look right yk#dont want a Hello Kitty Wouldnt Do Xanax moment... only on occasion.... a lil xanax wouldnt hurt as long as its not too far gone ☠️#alright im. DELIRIOUS.#to end this off i watched the first episode of Sailor Suit and Machine Gun !#my japanese is. HORRENDOUS BUT the art of inference and context clues and stray knowledge got me through it#i'm excited to watch the next episode even if i'm only really getting half the impact from the dialogue#BUT THE FEELING'S THERE... the emotion's there#embarrassingly i almost cried when izumi was crying in the theater over her dad while she was eating cause like Girl Me Too ☠️☠️#ill go one day without mentioning my dad i promise... todays not that day tho ☠️#IN ANY CASE. thank you for droppin the episodes on me !! i can't stress never tiring of having new things to watch#ill watch the next episode tonight probably. i was gonna go out to get lunch buuuut my moms home#so there goes that plan.. at least my bro got me food while /he/ went out today lmao
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inside me there are two wolves. one says "you should OCify muriel before she gets introduced so that you can explore the themes you personally would want to see, before you get distracted by canon". the other says "that sounds like a stupid idea and a surefire way to get disappointed by canon"
#i think the 2nd one is winning out tbh#if she turns out similar to the way i want her to itll be vinchester arc 2.0#if she doesnt ill also be disappointed LOL#closes my eyes i do not see i do not think ill just enjoy whatever canon has to give#no but...but..... i want to know if muriel traumatised tesilid in some way...#if during the pandora dungeon when he asked if ailette was 'false hope'... its bc he genuinely hoped that muriel might save him#when in snow queen his internal monologue was like 'is ailette yet another trick from the strict order'#chewing at my cage bars do you see the vision !!!!!!!!#i feel like i wouldnt care if she was a white lotus or a genuinely good girl lol id love her as long as she put tesilid through the wringer#listen... if she knew from the start that tesilid was doomed. that would be so interesting#OG muriel and OG ephael could shake hands#morally grey characters who are forced to act out their script for the greater good... do you see the vision#ephael's is especially fun tho bc hes not rly a person whom youd expect to put much stock into the greater good#staring very loudly at muriel i cant wait to see what she'll bring to the table#actually i dont think morally grey is the right word. maybe just mostly good people forced to do great evil#because of their ridiculously strong moral compass that allows them to push through w it
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oughhhh new boss hasn't even fully taken over yet but she seems so incompetent 😬
#also has no respect for anyone else including some of the lovely old ladies who have worked here 30 years#disrespected my mentor :(#also wants me an my other co teacher to come back to work some day(s) in the next few weeks to work unpaid overtime#just to set up the classroom the way she wants....#which is traditionally the lead teacher's job to do if she chooses#i think she's genuinely so delulu that she thinks it's gonna be fun girls night bonding time or something#like girl i am not coming back after hours to work for free lol#anyway every change she has tried was catastrophic today but she wouldnt even admit that most of them don't work 🤡#then she left at 3pm for me to deal w closing while the kids lost thier marbles bc she fucked up naptime then didn't let us keep them down#so they literally got a half nap today but she didnt care bc she was off in an hour anyway#ugh#she's gonna be insufferable i know it 😖#my co teacher was begging our current supervisor who hasnt fully left yet for advice on saying no to the unpaid overtime#im so sad she's leaving fr 😭#she doesn't even want to go but management is evil and dumb and moved her to pre k bc another teacher lied abt her :(#i got her a nice care package tho#i was going to wait for the new boss to be off shift and go home before giving it to my current one at end of day tomorrow (her last day)#bc i didnt want her to feel unwelcome or weird or anything#but i don't care now actually 😂#i want her to know we love sarah and are going to miss her#and she has to live up to that#bc currently she's uh...not lol
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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