#i feel like not every venue has put the show on their website

[goldenpinof]

Bohm Presents for Australia/New Zealand shows

there's a presale! Thursday 27 June 10am - Friday 28 June 11am.

general sale: Friday 28 June 12pm.

* PLEASE NOTE VIP TICKETS WILL ONLY BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE DURING THE GENERAL PUBLIC ONSALE ON FRIDAY 28 JUNE 12PM

all links to each show are there (Sydney, December 10, 2024 was removed/cancelled).

[youremyheaven]

Frequently Asked Questions:

I get some version of these pretty much every day so I thought I'd make an FAQ:

What is my dominant planet/How do I find it?

If you knew enough about astrology and your birth chart, you would know which planet influenced you the most. Most people acutely feel a combination of at least 2-3 planetary influences most strongly. In reality, every single planet and nakshatra in our chart influences us but we probably aren't self-aware enough/knowledgeable about astrology enough to see how it impacts us. Each planet correlates to a different area of your life. Since Sun represents the soul/outer self and Moon represents the mind/emotions, its safe to say these 2 placements impact every area of life but when it comes to relationships/creativity/beauty, you channel your Venus whether you're aware of it or not and same goes for all other planets. Whenever you do something of a creative bent, you tap into your Ketu, your education is affected by your Mercury and Jupiter, so on and so forth.

If you're very new to vedic astrology or if you haven't been able to figure out your dominant planets, just let it be!! This is not a puzzle to be solved, there is no way for you or somebody else to mechanically calculate your "dominant" planet. I don't know you, I don't know what you look like, what your personality is like, so there is absolutely no way for me to tell what influence comes through most acutely.

Also, the concept of "dominance" itself is pretty much a made up one (thanks Claire Nakti) so literally, just chill out!!! Read about your placements, and learn more about astrology instead of trying to claim planets. You're influenced by your whole chart, its that simple. That's it.

2. Which website should I use?

You can use astro seek.com or the Cosmic Insights app or the Jagannatha Hora app. On astro seek, you have to adjust to "whole sign" instead of Placidus though. On the others, that's the default setting, I think.

3. Which ayanamsa should I use?

I stick to Lahiri

4. I have xyz nak/planet/house, am I doomed/ugly/forever alone/unlucky?

NO

Astrology helps us understand our strengths and weaknesses, there is no placement that comes as a death sentence of some sort. I feel like most people don't understand that your birth chart is supposed to make you self-aware of your natural inclinations, tendencies, patterns etc so that you can work with them/make necessary changes etc. Your chart is NOT set in stone. Human behaviour is far too complex to be narrowed down to a birth chart. It shows your INCLINATIONS, which means that if you're self aware, you can make necessary adjustments to work on unhealthy habits/tendencies.

Astrology is not "this is who you are, you suck",, it's a tool for self-growth.

If you have difficult placements, you need to pay more attention to them and work on those areas. Why on earth would you just accept that everything is fcked and its game over for you bc of what the stars said??? Sorry to be rude but that's dumb af?? You were not put on this earth to be miserable until the day you die, EVERYBODY has difficult placements, if you remain ignorant of it/avoid it, you will continue to live in ignorance and suffer from the same things you always have and not know why.

Astrology makes it possible for you to understand yourself and evolve.

5. I'm not Hindu, can I still worship Gods/Goddesses/chant mantras?

Every single religion is made up. God never said only brown people from the Indian subcontinent can worship me. But that said, do your research and actually be invested in it. I feel like some people approach this in a Buzzfeed-y "Which Disney Princess Am I?😍" type of way which is 🤦🏻‍♀️but religion isn't something to be sampled, if ykwim?

You don't have to attain Guru levels of religious insight/expertise either. Most practicing Hindus probably know very little about their religion and truth be told, Hinduism is soooo vast, expansive, varied and eclectic that people practice it in thousands of different ways across the country with their own unique rituals/customs, so everybody who practices the religion makes it their own, in some ways?

Build an altar if you can, dedicate a certain time of the day and space of your room/house to just prayer. By making something sacred, we feel its divinity permeate our lives. Rituals are a major part of every religion because acting with intention helps us feel like our lives have meaning.

Always chant after you've showered, sit facing east, look at a picture of your deity or visualise them and chant quietly. Most people use prayer beads but you can also just count them on your fingers. Its often said that when you chant, others should not be able to hear you. If you use prayer beads, keep them covered in a box after use. You've energetically charged them with your chanting and its not good to leave them exposed because they'll pick up on other vibrations from the surroundings. Do not chant after you've just eaten!!

Picking a deity is all about intuition. If you don't feel called to anybody, just chill out and keep studying their mythology. You can always chant 'Om'.

I used to chant Buddhist mantras like 'Om mani padme hum' and 'nam myoho renge kyo' and they're not directed to any deity so if you're worried about that, you can always chant non-deity mantras as well.

The purpose of chanting mantras is to keep your mind calm and still. Even if you repeat a certain affirmation in English several hundred times, it has the same effect.

[chemicallady]

I WANNA FEEL LOVE AGAIN

Part 1 ; Part 2 ;

Couple: Noah Sebastian x Fem!Reader

Content Warning: I made a little homage to three fanfiction I really love! I leave you to find the references ;)

Taglist: @ada-clarence , @badalmondzzzz , my wifey @starsomens , @raventherockstarhippie @blacksoul-27 , @somewhere-diamond

Summary:  This is just cute. I swear.

But you never promised me to be wiser of better.

Time flies.

Two years passed by so fast that you almost didn't notice. At first, your job was not demanding at all, compared with the rest of the crew. You have to accompaning Noah or any other member of the band to attend the interviews, most of them for radio stations. Taking notes for integrations on their website. Keep an eye on publicize enough any tourdates or merch drop, find sponsor for bigger venues and check at the end of the day if the guys need something for the day after.

You had to spend a lot of your time on the band socials, especially instagram and twitter, which you have always shared credentials with your brother and the rest of the band. You also create their TikTok and take care about the creation of fun contents.

It was way easy before the release of Death of Peace of Mind. After the beginning of 2022, you were on the road more than at home. A lot of famous hosters started to ask for an interview with Noah. All the lights switched on the future promise of rock music when Just Pretend became one of the most used/listened songs on TikTok.

And now, in the middle of the summer of 2023, the band is still rising. More money bring more responsabilities, the necessity of arranged a better shows, bigger interviews, more publicity, more interaction through the socials.

Everyone has to work the double, you included. Speaking with radio manager and small magazine specialized in all metal subgenders was a thing.

But now the band is too huge to stop at this level. And you werent trained enough for all this pressure, but it started to grow on you month after month, tour after tour. You are the guardian of Noah's schedule. You are not charming enough to compete with others PR, but since the crew is more similar to family meeting than a serious ansemble of professionals, you became competitive.

Hard work got big results like the european tour with Bring Me the Horizon. Oli wanted Bad Omens to open for him but you were the one who put all her soul and time on the project. On the papers. Because behing any tour there is a mountain of burocracy, sponsor phone calls and publicity. You had to team up with Matt, Miles and Davis so many times that at some point, that it's like having more than just one older brother.

From june 4th, the last day on tour, you are on vacation. You have nothing to do with music creation or audio/video sound checks. You just need a laptop, a lot of patience every time you scroll your emails, and the fantastic mojito your neighbour Brianna makes. A good reason to work on your balcony, along with the sound of the ocean, is her company. You don't have many friends but she is amazing. She moved from Minnesota after the shutdown, and she is an actress. Small roles, but as she always says, small roles bring bigger ones.

《 and it would have been ever better if my prick boyfriend didn't show up and basically assaulted the casting director》

You have heard this story at least ten times, but it's still amazing how boys can be idiots. 《 Why are you still with him? He's a bomb ready to detonate, Bri》 , you know that your concern will not help her in resonate, but you can't shut up.

《 I can't afford either the apartment or the car and you know that, y/n. Also, he is not that bad when he's sorber.》

《 But he never is! 》 you place the now empty glass on the outdoor table, disappointed in seeing her almost offended expression. It's a fortune that Matt isn't around. He has to deal with Jim at least twice a week. 《 You're my friend, Bri. The only one unrelated to my job..... I can't sleep over this situation anymore. I can help you. Move in with me and Matt, take care of my plant and Lucifurr for me while we are on tour. We don't want you to help with the rent. You just need to tell that dick to fuck off.》

《.... but he drives me to every casting》

《 and he's the reason no one is picking you in a very first place. This relationship is too toxic》

《 y/n I think you're crossing the line.》

《 He's gonna kill you one of these days!》

You both muted for a couple of seconds, the now tense air between the two of you being thick as a wall. Yeah, you cross the line but like Matt, you're no good in resonate with people who don't want any help. And like Matt you can't stand injustice, not at this rate.

But you know that you have to excuse yourself, simply it's hard to find the right words. You are not going to apologise for speaking your mind, but just about the way you did it.

《 y/n? Are you ready?》

A raspy voice catch you off guard. It's already seven??

《 Shit, Noah. I'm outside》, you yell in response, before turning again towards Brianna. She already reached the empty glass and without a word, and she comes back to her apartment. 《 C'mon Brianna. I'm sorry, just-for the fuck sake.》

Noah is standing right next to you when Brianna shut the door loudly.

All you can do is sigh out loud - a bad habit you inherit from the tall man on your side - before bringing your hands to cover your face in frustration.

《 What's going on, here?》 He asks , munching a candy.

《 I don't understand women.》

He gives you a funny look. 《 Damn, that's the real deal, man. Not the chicken/egg question, or what's our purpose on earth.... but why you girls act so weird. 》

《 Shut the fuck up, Noah. Not now.》

Your relationship with Noah also changed drastically in the last two years. It required some time and a ton of patience, but he open up to you and from thenon, you became a sort of confident of him. In return, he is the one you call when things are not going well. It was a bit embarrassing, the first months, but your friendship now is stronger than youve ever immagined. You feel like you can tell everything to Noah without being judged. Sometimes he laughs at you, of course, but he knows when a situation has to be manged seriously.

He cares about you with all his heart.

He doesn't aspect nothing in return, but he is dear to you on a level than only your brother have always been.

And he knows you deeply, that's why it is so easy for him to detect how worried you are.

《 Do you think he beats her? I mean, Steve is a scumbag, but I can't figure him being actually that violent. He is always too high to have some form of coordination.》

Since his arrival - Noah has the keys of the apartment so he can come and go as he pleased, especially when both you and matt are not in town and someone has to take care of Luci- Noah asked you questions on Brianna's situation.

He knows you're concerned and he also can't pretend he is fine with your neighbors yelling at each others on daily basis.

《 I don't know but he is getting more and more jealous. She told me he's sabotaging her auditions, now.》

Noah takes a sip of the iced tea you offer him, before grab your hand on the surface of the counter. 《 Start to call the police on them, when they argue. Maybe you're right. He is not beating her yet. But he could start.》 You nod slowly, thanking him with a soft smile. 《 By the way, do you feel okay? Wanna postpone our date?》

He loves to joke around with you, because he knows how this helps in rising your moral.

You pretend to get offended. 《 I would never, ever decline a date with you. Let me change in a more adequate outfit.》

《 take your time, the limo's driver can wait downstairs.》

You giggle, before leaving him in the kitchen, reaching your room for a quick change. In five minutes you're ready: a ponytail, red joggers and a tank top.

《 Ready to run, pretty boy?》

《 I'm always ready, chicken butt.》

Noah has never told you the real reason why he has taken the work out so seriously, but you're glad he did, because you joined him on his program and honestly, you feel at your top right now. It's not a matter of aesthetics, but you feel healthy. You are less tired at the end of the day, and you can endure the - at least- 15 working hours while Touring. Back at home, it became a habit of the two of you going out for a run daily during the sunsets since Noah is not an early bird and you'd rather work in the morning.

The place you chose is on the street that runs alongside the beach in Malibù. One of reason why you got used to LA is also the precious view of the ocean while the sun sinks in it and paints the sky in gold.

There is a small beach, hidden in the stunning nature of the Pacific Coast, that has become your spot. Every day you reach that beach, stretch a little and then go back to your apartment when usually Noah showers before leaving.

Today is a Saturday and even if you don't have big plans, Noah sometimes takes his chances on a Saturday night. Even God took a day off on Sunday, right?

《 It's the red hair?》

You ear him chuckles while you bend, grabbing the tip of your toes to stretch your back.

《 No red hair as far as I can recall》

《 So... the girl you helped at that dive bar?》 You rise again, bringing your arms to the sky 《The one who broke up with her cheating boyfriend? Or maybe your neighbour? I like her. I remember you told me she was so happy when you sent her our merch.》

Noah pushes you a little, making you loosing your balance while a giggle leaves your lips. 《 You're making me look like a fuckboy!》

《you are a fuckboy, always surrounded by beautiful women. And don't look at me like that! I know you like it that way!》

Noah is young and awesome. You got a crush on him in the beginning of your partnership. It's more than obvious that he has a significant number of choices when he wants to spend a night out.

This used to hurt you a bit, but the feeling of jealousy or envy - you still don't know what it was - disappeared in the moment you realised what you have.

All this girls can have noah for a night or two.

You can have him fully, you can call him in the middle of the night if a guy screws on you and Noah will bring you to buy ice-cream to McDonald's. You two can talk for hours about the absolute nothing or regarding the most difficult life choices.

You can mocking him, make him laugh in the golden light of the dying sun, in this very moment.

And that's more than enough.

Maybe you and Noah are not meant to be lovers, but he is your person and you are his. Like twin Flames, that doesn't matter how far they are.

They always burn bright.

《 I don't know, I was thinking for something casual. Like Netflix and chill.》

Lucifurr jumps off the sofa in the moment he hears Noah entering in your apartment. Your cat totally ignores you and starts to purr to the tall man that interrupts everything to kneel and cuddle the black ball of furr.

Satanic animal...

《 Then you should text the neighbor. She is the sweetest of yours hooks up.》

《 Then I can simply ring the door on my way back.》

《 Call her, Noah. Don't be a prick. The world doesn't revolve around you. Maybe she is planning to go out.》

You can hear him sigh in his annoying way. 《Can I shower here, anyway? I smell bad.》

《 You always smell bad.》

《 Am I???》

You exchange a glaze with him and immidiatly know its time to run. In the moment he leaves Luci alone, he is following you around the house while you yell for help. But matt isn't back yet, so you're on your own. As soon as noah reaches you (very soon, his legs are longer than yours), he huggs you tight, trying to put your head under his armpit.

《 NOAH STOP IS DISGUSTING!》 , you try to defend yourself hitting him on his back and between his legs with small slaps.

《Ei! Low blow! Don't slap my nutts!》

《 Don't sweat on me, you piece of-》

A yell interrupted the both of you, follow by a long cry and some smashed dishes. Noah realise the grip on you and sighs deeply looking at the wall that divides your apartment from Briannas one.

《 Is it always like this?》

《 almost every day, now.》

And there is something that broke in your cracking voice that completely shattered Noahs heart.

《 let's call the cops》, he says with a soft voice, hugging your shoulders. 《 I'll stay. We can watch a movie togheter.》

You look at him in surprise while he is reaching his phone. 《 and your date?》

《 you're my date》 , is the cheeky replay. The both of you smile, and you need a second. Not only because you're worried about brianna, but also because these small situations make you feel.... weird on your feelings towards noah.

You don't want to admit it, but a real date would be all you desire.

....but at what cost?

[live-laugh-lenney]

i extensively think about george having a swiftie gf and not only does he sit and listen to her explain the backstories behind each song and the parallels in lyrics but he surprises her with eras tour tickets and his ig story the entire night is just videos of his girl having the time of her life screaming the lyrics to lover to him <3

this is so cute, oh my-

in the weeks leading up to the show in london, she's preparing outfits for them.

she's scouring the internet for inspiration, saving ideas on a pinterest account that she made specifically for her eras show she was going to attend with george, looking on every single website she can find online when she had a spare moment to get an idea for more than 1 outfit. sending screenshots to george to see what his opinions were, what he was planning on wearing and whether she could alter his outfit so it seemed fitting to the theme of the eras tour.

and when the day comes, it's like a second christmas day for her.

she's up early in the morning so she could enjoy the whole day, she's blasting taylor swift songs around the flat which wakes up the rest of the boys which they couldn't be mad at, for too long, because she was having so much fun singing and dancing around the kitchen as she made breakfast and she was so excited for the show that night that they could dampen her spirits, speaking about nothing else but the night to come.

george has a whole day planned out for her, too.

they spend all morning getting ready together. she plays her music during her shower (which george shares with her because it's the one thing he enjoys doing knowing the boys can't really hear them over the sound of the water), she laughs when george sings along to some of the music because he had definitely been learning a few of her songs so he didn't seem out of place at wembley, and she even goes to town on decorating his face with glitter and some fancy patterns so he really looked the part. and once they're dressed in their almost matching outfits, lots of sequins glistening in the sunlight filtering through the windows and a cowboy hat for both of them on their heads, they get arthur to take photos of them before they disappear out the front door for the day.

they go out for an early dinner where they consume cocktails and she posts it online because she's really having the best day of her life with the one guy she truly loves. the one guy she wanted there with her. in her eyes, he had truly given her the best gift and she was thankful for the effort he had put in to make sure she had a great time. so by the time they're in wembley, they're a little buzzed and she's even more excited when she realises he's got floor tickets for her... which was more than she ever imagined.

and people recognise them, once they're seen inside of the venue, of course!

so lots of friendship bracelets are shared and exchanged with his fans and photos are taken; she even agrees to be a part of someone's tiktok video that george finds absolutely hilarious to witness. where yn wasn't someone well-known or on social media as often as he was, it felt ironic for him stand back and watch his girlfriend take his place on the app. and it made yn feel loved and included amongst those who love george for his content.

there's one photo posted between the two of them...

... and it's on george's instagram. a photo of yn with her back to the camera, arms in the air, as she's mid-dancing to one of her favourite songs playing on the setlist. a photo that george wanted to keep forever because she was in her element. and he felt pride to know she was truly enjoying herself.

"that was the best night of my life," she cries softly, cheeks absolutely sodden with tears of happiness once the show had finished, standing in the middle of the almost empty floor space with confetti littering the floor, her arms wrapping around his neck as she presses a kiss to his cheek, "thank you, george."

"you're welcome, rascal," he grins widely, wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her close to his chest, her cheek resting on his clothed shoulder, "i'm glad you had the best night, babe."

"it was even better spending it with you," she admits and looks up at him, "seriously, i have no idea how i'm going to top a surprise for you."

"i'm not expecting anything in return, silly girl," he laughs and shakes his head, "just seeing you happy is enough for me, yeah?"

she nods and looks around as the fans around them start to make their way to the exits of the venue, "we should start heading home. as much as i'd love to stay here all night, i can feel my throat has been ripped to shreds."

"let's go," george unravels his arms from her waists and slips his fingers between hers, "plenty of tea for you over the next couple of days." xx

[our-future-is-up-to-us-2]

The Blueprint On My Mind

Another Day Of The Jackal fic because MY GOODNESS this show is NOT leaving me alone!!! I will continue to go feral!! Prepare yourselves!

This is my first 5+1 fic too, so enjoy that for what it's worth! The formatting might be a bit off because I tried to add extra spacing between each section. Let me know if that's a problem!

Otherwise, enjoy the fic, and feel free to go feral with me, too!

Word Count: 2.4K

Relationships: Charles "The Jackal" Calthrop/Rasmus

Warnings: None

1.

Every morning, Peter wakes up and has something to check. An email, a transaction account, a dodgy website, a weapons blog. 

He sneaks out of bed sometimes, just to make sure he can get some work done, be productive, before Rasmus awakens and he’s surrounded by domestic bliss. 

Sometimes, that involves sitting on the floor, lying down, shoddily dressed in pyjamas or whatever feels comfortable, staring at blueprints. 

He’s convinced himself that he knows what he’s doing. It helps to have that watchful eye, that pressure on him. Even if it’s only in this moment, and no other time. Peter can focus more clearly, let the dots connect… The Kontserdisaal is grand, intricate, and beautiful. 

He lets himself yawn as his fingers drag over the page, as he mumbles this and that, thinking the rest in his head. 

He can feel Rasmus lingering behind him, crouched down on the floor like it’s natural. Then, his hands press against Peter’s shoulders, soothing and yet heavy. 

Grounding him. This is where he is. This is what he’s doing. He’s an architectural engineer named Peter, and this is Rasmus, adorable Rasmus, right beside him. 

“Mornin’, sleepyhead.” The Brit laughs, turning to face the other man, “You alright?” 

“Yeah,” The blond replies, looking between his tired face and the blueprint on the floor, “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just… Why do you have to work all the time?” 

The Jackal flashes a smile as he strokes a thumb over his cheek. He knows damn well why, he’s on deadline, out to kill people. 

It excites him. Killing people. He really is a twisted motherfucker, isn’t he? 

Instead, Peter says, “It’s important, Rasmus. And work, well… It keeps my mind running. I always need something to do.” 

The security guard, cheeky as all hell, just smirks at him. 

“Yeah, yeah, you do... ” 

The brown-haired man simply rolls his eyes. 

2.

Peter lies down on the bed the next time, eyes blinking to stay awake. 

Rasmus is working a late shift tonight, so he has more time to himself.

He laughs, letting the sound reverberate and echo, filling the quiet flat. He’s tracing out the page like the security man traces his scars.

It’s stupid, and yet, delightful. Sitting here as night’s falling, and he’s enjoying these intricacies…

He can’t blame himself, though. He’s enjoyed them for years, professionally and recreationally. It’s all second-nature to him.

He hums, mulling the situation over. So many doors, but only a few designated exits. How will he make his escape?

Yes, he’ll make his escape by—

The door creaks open behind him, revealing a silhouette of the man he loves, sweaty, dishevelled and smiling.

“Sorry, love. Did I wake you?” He breathes, gesturing to the bathroom, planning to shower.

Peter rolls over with wide eyes and shakes his head, “I’ve been studying.” 

“Oh.” Rasmus mumbles, stepping forward to see… Right. This thing that he loathes. “Yeah, of course.” 

He’s an architectural engineer… This stuff is what he puts his life and soul into. He has to remind himself of the fact.

Nevertheless, he sits at the edge of the back, and Peter makes room for him. The blond laughs and cups his cheek, planting kisses all over his face, before latching onto his lips. 

Peter reciprocates, slow, careful, similarly running his hand over Rasmus’ face, his good man face, before he pulls back, making a face of semi-disgust.

“Goodness, you really are sweaty. Did they make you run laps in that venue or what?!” 

The security guard blushes, “That combined with racing around for the tech crew will do that to you.” 

“Go shower. I’ll still be here.” 

With a nod, he leaves, pulling off his jacket first and proceeding to get undressed. 

He has, unfortunately, not been successful in his task, one he’s formed so quickly and decided so keenly on. But he knows he has time, and Peter Gibson is so dangerously human.

So human, in fact, that he looks at a blueprint like it has hung the moon for him.

Well, that’s a little fucked up, if Rasmus has anything to say about it… 

3.

Rasmus rolls over and bumps into Peter’s shoulder, laughing quietly.

“You there, darling?” He asks, not without a gentle grin.

He knows his lover has the tendency to drift off after their whirlwinds of passion. And tonight is no exception. 

“I’m here,” Peter mumbles, sparing the blond a glance, before returning his gaze to the ceiling. 

He unwinds in this way, Rasmus has found. Staring at the ceiling, as though searching for something only he can see. Is he daydreaming or replaying the moments in his head? Is he living out his past or thinking of the future?

“Hey, once you’re done recharging…” He smirks, running a hand over the other’s chest, “You know, I’d be happy to go again.” 

Peter laughs at the idea, smiles softly, and snuggles in closer to Rasmus, kissing his cheek. 

Then, just like that, he’s gone and distanced himself, arms hugging his body, staring at the goddamn ceiling.

“Not tonight, beloved,” Peter whispers, blinking. “I’ve got a big day tomorrow.” 

Rasmus flushes, more taken aback than anything else, “Wh— I do too , Peter. Is there something I’ve done?” Worry laces his voice, “Have I overstepped?” 

The brown-haired man shakes his head, turning to face the other now. It’s ironic, he thinks, for the security guard to be overwhelmed like this, to be a bundle of insecurities. 

“No, you haven’t.” He runs a hand over Rasmus’ cheek. “You could never overstep. And if you do, I’ll tell you… And I assume you’d do the same with me, yeah?” He pauses for breath, watching the blond nod, “You know who I am, beloved. You really know. How we're even working in the same place is beyond my wildest dreams— So, if I’ve got a long day, I’ve got a long day. I’ve got to keep big places structurally sound.” 

Rasmus rolls his eyes, as though to say, ‘I know that!’, and he parts his lips, finding the words… But first, he gestures to the ceiling, “Are you imagining something up there? A big achievement with your engineering? Is that it?” 

Peter simply lies flat on his back again, scratching his nose before sighing. “Almost there, Rasmus.” 

And the bedroom falls silent. 

Eventually, the blond falls asleep, watching his lover somehow stay awake for so long. He stays there, watching, watching as his mouth moves, but nothing comes out… 

From a part deep within his brain, it clicks. 

Peter’s thinking about those blueprints, isn’t he? 

4.

“You’re kidding, right?” 

The Jackal looks up from his bowl of cereal, met with Rasmus’ surprisingly stern gaze. 

“I don’t kid about anything.” 

The blond pats the table, or more specifically, the page spread across it. Weighty, large, and diagrammed all over. 

He’s worked at the Kontserdisaal for most of his life… He understands the beauty behind the building, understands its worldwide acclaim, but to this extent? No, no. Any further on, and he’s just baffled. 

“So,” The security guard begins, sitting down opposite Peter, “You really never get bored of ogling this thing?” 

“Never,” He hums, sighing and letting the tension unwind in his shoulders. “I mean, it’s a job thing. You wouldn’t get sick of scanning patrons, would you?” 

“Well,” Rasmus leans forward, clasping his hands together, “Sometimes. I found you that way, so, no, not always… But there’s another high-tech scanner being installed in a few days. That’ll take some of the pressure off.” 

In a few days. The Jackal’s mind races, A few days… When UDC is holding the opening ceremony for River. 

“Oh, sure.” He replies absentmindedly, eating another spoonful of cereal before shuffling over to the page. 

Peter can’t help his intense stare at the blueprint now. As a hitman, not as a normal civilian, and even less as an architectural engineer. 

His breath hitches. The calculations stir inside his brain. How far to take the shot from, how lethal it’ll be, how to do it all and remain undetected. 

His fingers drag over from the door, to the dress circle seats, then down to the stage. 

He’ll have to take his shot from the top, somehow, whilst he lays low in what is basically a ventilation space for two days… 

Well, that’s if he’s caught. That’s if he needs a desperate last resort. 

“Peter?” Rasmus asks, his eyes wide with concern, “Is everything ok?” 

He chuckles it off and leans back in his seat, facing his lover now. He doesn’t dare to touch his cereal. 

“Yeah, everything’s alright.” He nods, letting his fingers tap against the table’s surface. “I just– It’s like an adrenaline rush, you know?” 

“I get it.” The blond replies as he strokes a thumb through Peter’s hair, “I always find there’s a thrill when scanning so many people in a row, a spike of something inside, thinking the next person will be dangerous or armed with something.” 

The Jackal simply smirks, because he’s as dangerous as they come. 

5.

Rasmus returns to his flat, shopping bags in tow. He dumps them unceremoniously on the kitchen counter and catches his breath. 

He doesn’t know where Peter is, whether he’s working, sleeping, getting dressed… It doesn’t matter. Maybe he needs some time to himself. The more that he thinks about it, the more that he realises how false that is.  

Every day with the dangerous architectural engineer feels like forever. He feels like he needs him to breathe. 

He stretches from side to side and wanders through the space, peering through the dim light. “Hey, Peter?” He calls out, “You here?” 

After a few moments of silence, he hears, “Yeah! Outside!”, and Rasmus turns on his feet. 

Goddamn Peter Gibson is indeed outside. Sitting on the balcony, glasses on, a light wind blowing. And he looks cute as all hell. 

He opens up the balcony door and sits by the man’s side. Again, he’s dealing with a blueprint, and that only causes some unusual feelings to stir inside Rasmus.  

“Come on, man…” He pouts, resting his head against Peter’s shoulder. 

He opts to kiss Rasmus’ head, laughing. “Whatever do you mean?” He bats his eyes, before turning back to the page at hand. 

The security guard lets silence fall upon them as they mingle like this, attached to the hip, as Peter’s eyes light up upon spotting particular things. 

He lets the silence run on… Or, at least, for a little while. 

It’s not long later that he’s had enough. At least, in his young, impulsive mind, he’s had enough. Peter is serious, determined, patient, and loving… He seems mature beyond his years, almost. 

But Rasmus has had enough. If the architectural engineer has to leave in a few days, he’ll milk all of this for what it’s worth. 

He leans into the brown-haired man, his head pressed against his neck before he laughs, starts leaving kisses all over. He deepens those kisses, just for a moment, feeling the blood rush through Peter’s body, before the engineer pulls away. 

He breathes in a sharp breath before exhaling slowly, filled with a pleasure that dawns upon him. A gentle sort of high. He hums noncommittally, but keeps his gaze on Rasmus. A silent signal for him to stay still. 

“Look, beloved, if you’re trying to compete, I should let you know that nothing turns me on like a blueprint, so..." 

The blond takes the hint, planting one last kiss against his neck before he sits upright, eyes sparkling. 

“Do me a favour, then, sweetheart. Show me the hot bits!” 

+1.

The Jackal huffs out a breath, staring out at the early morning sky. 

The crack of dawn. Today is the day. Off to the Kontserdisaal, going into hiding, leaving Rasmus all on his lonesome, and killing UDC– 

He’s never been this nervous for a hit before. 

After calculating everything to this moment, from his personas, passports, disguises, and masks, the nature of his true identity sinks right back into his mind. Into his bones.  

He is not Peter, the charming, playful architect. And he never will be again. 

It’s a scary thought, one that he won’t dare to admit. 

He shakes his head and shakes it off, at least, as much as he can manage. His eyes meet the blueprint, one last time, and he runs through his pointing routine: Start here, enter casually amongst the crowd, buy food and water, camp out, shoot above the glass that will protect UDC, and kill him…  

He snaps out of his thoughts when he hears a shuffling from behind him, and he gasps for breath. 

“Geez, Rasmus. That scared me.” He’s not even lying through his teeth with that one. And he’s been through war. 

The blond laughs ever so softly, “Didn't mean it, never do.” He sighs, sitting down next to Peter. “What’s going on?” 

The hitman looks up at him, conviction ablaze in his eyes, “Today’s the day that everything comes to fruition.” 

“Right.” The security guard glances down at the blueprint, and shakes his head. In one swift movement, he folds up that blueprint and shoves it well aside. 

The Jackal’s expression widens, while Rasmus’ brows furrow. 

“No more of that.” He continues, gesturing to the page, “That thing that has been haunting you for days. You don’t need to look at it anymore, because you know it inside out. It’s just like you said, ‘everything happens today’, so… Go do your job, Peter.” 

Go do your job, Peter. 

The engineer nods resolutely and shuffles closer to Rasmus, cupping his face with both hands. 

“I will.” He then adds, almost in afterthought, “You have good man face, Rasmus.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Peter lets out a laugh, “You just… Radiate this kindness, and so naturally. There needs to be more of that in the world, but I’m so lucky to have found you.” 

The blond blinks, humming quietly as a blush rises to his face. For once, he doesn’t know what to say, or do. It feels like all his charm and sway with Peter has vanished into thin air. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter, because his lips are captured in a kiss as the brown-haired man leans forward. Bodies pressed together, only pulling away for air, and the embrace is full of depth, of meaning. 

It feels like a goodbye. 

Rasmus cards his hands through Peter’s hair, and Peter’s hold on his face ceases to relent.

They breathe, sitting there in stillness, and the hitman makes the next move. 

“Take care.” He breathes, planting one last kiss against his cheek, “If I never see you again–” 

“I’ll see you again, Peter. I know I will.” 

The Jackal slowly stands and helps the blond up too, as he moves over to his suitcase, packs it away, and takes the bare essentials out to the Kontserdisaal. 

Including his metal boot, which he puts on once he’s well out of Rasmus’ sight. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

more from the 2011 "the bus" kickstarter's updates via james lantz:

2. We're designing and building our set. We're so lucky to have Michael Schweikardt designing our set. Our director, John Simpkins, and Michael have been working together for years, so it's great to have this team behind The Bus. To give you some idea of some of the talent behind our show, The Wall Street Journal recently said of Michael's set for the acclaimed Goodspeed Musical's production of Showboat, "Michael Schweikardt's compact yet rich-looking sets deserve a prize for sheer ingenuity." Michael is definitely bringing some of that ingenuity to our show at 59E59 -- check out the photo essay below of our work-in-progress set for The Bus. Pictured are our Vermont artisans, John Maurier of Champlain Metals who is building the platform structure, and Mark Dabelstein, our set builder (who worked outside in the rain today ripping out an old gas pump!) 

I have to be quiet right now because I'm preparing this update in the middle of rehearsal so that's why I'm typing lightly (tap, tap, tap...) but I couldn't wait because I really wanted to share an idea with you.... [...] ps. This is my view of rehearsal right now (plus 2 other pics from rehearsal)

Last night I was walking from the rehearsal studio to grab a bite to eat and I passed by our soon-to-be home, 59E59 Theaters -- and there, in front of the theater, was a postcard kiosk with the brand new postcards for The Bus loaded and ready for people to pick up.  Suddenly feels like we're official! (In a couple of days, I can't wait for our two actors, Will and Bryan to see their faces on a HUGE 10' poster in the theater windows!)  [...] You're becoming a topic of conversation, too! New Yorkers are interested in how we crowd-funded our entire play. One industry guy told me, "Look, I'm used to dealing with a handful of wealthy investors to put on my plays -- but 450 people, some who've donated less than $10 -- never heard of that before!" We also got a call from a publicist who inquired about the possibility of a reporter following us to Topeka to write about a crowd-funded play on the road. We'll be sure and keep you posted. Oh, and Thank You to our backers who wrote personal notes to some key press and industry folks -- we were able to get about 55 hand-written notes to some of the most influential theater folk in the city. Thank you!

Okay, so we're minutes away from our first NYC performance and we're sold out! I don't have much time so I'm sending you a photo essay of our first couple of days here at 59E59 that should tell you what we've been up to and, in a small way, let you know that we wish you were here. This is, after all, your show too!

Our last show at 59E59 Theaters was this afternoon -- lots of tears, hugs and a standing ovation. A nice way to end our run at one of the best Off Broadway venues in New York City (Thank you for having us 59E59! We loved being at your theater!). So we loaded up the truck, said our goodbyes to our cast and crew (until December) and soon, we'll be Vermont-bound with our set, costumes and an old Texaco gas pump. Now it's time to turn our sights toward Kansas where we'll be taking our show in December (in our next post, we'll give you more details about our forthcoming performance). In the meantime, we're pretty exhausted here. We'll leave you with some pictures of our load-out and one last shot of us standing in front of 59E59 Theaters.  Oh, one more thought -- there wasn't a single show that YOU weren't present -- you were in the program, on our website, and on our mind every time The Bus took to the stage in NYC. We're not done yet -- we still have our backer rewards to get to you (I'm so sorry for the delay; producing our show has been a much bigger and time-consuming task than I had expected!) and we've got our show in Kansas to produce, too -- but we just cleared a big hurdle and now seems like a good time to say, 'We couldn't have done it without you! Thank you!' 

During the shows I stood in the back of the theater and watched as The Bus unfolded for some of the most attentive audiences we've ever played for. The cast felt it, too -- one of our actors, Bryan Fitzgerald, said that, 'Like no other time, he felt every eye focused on the show like a laser.' It was fascinating to listen to our audiences, too -- what they laughed at, when they were quiet, and when a few of them audibly gasped. Some jokes in the script that never got a response in New York, got hearty and sustained laughter from our generous folks in Kansas. At the end of every show our cast received standing ovations -- lots of tears, smiles and people saying how much they appreciated us bringing the show to their state. We were so moved. 

Nate Phelps, Steph Mott (KEC) and the cast doing a talk back following a performance at The Blue Planet Cafe.

Bryan Fitzgerald, Will Roland and Travis Mitchell during a talkback.

l. to r. Bryan Fitzgerald, Steph Mott (Kansas Equality), Nate Phelps, Jim Lantz, Shepherd Michael, Travis Mitchell, Will Roland, Julia Lawler, Bob Nuner, Kerry McGann and Josh Wright. (not pictured: our incredible director John Simpkins)

Loading the set into MCC Church, Topeka. / Prepping set and sound at MCC Church.

[blacklodgemusictx]

Viva “Violensia”! New Jesse Daniel Edwards Album Out Now

(personal narrative starts here… skip if you only want to hear about the album)

Everyone should have a facilitator – someone in your corner to tell you the things you dream about – the crazy to the mundane- are not that far out of reach.

I’ve had many facilitators. I’ve tried, in turn, to fill that need for my friends.

This time it was my husband.

I wasn’t even trying. We JUST went on the mini tour with Salim. My needs should have been sated for awhile yet.

Doug, I sigh. Doug, Jesse’s album dropped the same day as Salim’s – June 23rd. His album release show is 06/30/23. It’s a Friday… 800+ miles away. We were JUST in Nashville for The Church and it was… expensive (we flew.)

Doug doesn’t even blink. Ask for it, tell your boss you’ll get your Friday work done early. We’ll drive it.

This feeling. Right here. If I could bottle… I love being surprised and this was joyful. I had *no* idea I could even hope for this and POOF there it is. A reasonable plan to accomplish this most primal of needs: to be front and center for music I love.

I get all my work done. I don’t hear from my boss about my leave. I pack anyway. I rage (quietly as is my way). I am a GOOD EMPLOYEE. I’ve only called in sick twice in the last three years and that was for COVID. Righteous indignation flows from every fiber of my being. I am about to get real ‘sick’. Uh huh. Don’t mess with me.

The long and short is they missed my request. It’s fine. I got Friday’s work done on Thursday. And just like that, Cinderella is allowed to go to the ball.

I log off my computer, car already packed, Doug awaits to whisk me off on the first leg of our journey. 6+ hrs gets us to Arkadelphia (“… freedom! Shine the light…”) The rest of the journey puts us in Nashville at 2ish. We sleep. Like the dead.

Awake.

Clean up. Get presentable. The venue website says, “Dress to impress” (it also likens itself to the Viper Room, but I would say only a 21st century Viper Room with Yelp reviews to contend with. A Viper Room genuinely concerned with both the use of coasters and Your Good Time.) It’s hard to “bring it” any harder than we do normally on a show night, but we try. I wear make up (never a guarantee) and Doug picks the spiffiest paisley shirt he brought.

The venue – The Eighth Room – has PARKING… A limited amount, but… (angelic singing) PARKINNNNNGGGG… regardless.

The side of the building sports artful “grafitti” – Rockstars live here. Good. We’re home then, I joke.

The Kraken tentacle door pull… is locked. I look up. There’s a camera. Please, Mr Eye in The Sky… please let us in…it’s hot. There’s a click. We walk in… and are immediately told things aren’t ready yet. Ok, I’m going to stand right here and not be in anyone’s way while being 2 degrees cooler than I was out there. Ok?

Not ok.

We are shuffled back outside.

Uh, why did you unlock the door then? They remedy this by locking it behind us.

We steam gently on the pavement for an interminable length of time. I start to wilt… sadness… I wore makeup on purpose for this.

*CLICK*

We are allowed back in!!! All is forgiven. The inside is dark and cold and… oh sweet Saint of Achy Joints and Bad Backs… there is a COUCH. I sink deliciously in to it and experience something rarely afforded me at shows: comfort.

I order a Diet Coke (psttt… use of coasters… that was foreshadowing) that I sip while goggling at my surroundings. There are statues with painted sayings emblazoned on them (“No more fake friends.”) Mirrors. Every surface is a different pattern, but it all works together. There is a stage directly in front of us hung with crushed velvet curtains.

There’s a fleeting pang in my chest. Had our business situation not prematurely folded last Summer, this is the type of space I would have wanted our venue to be.

I set the Diet Coke on the glass top table behind me and reach for what I thought might be a menu — later, a ghost appears unnoticed and places a folded napkin under my drink to catch the condensation. I am completely oblivious. Instead of a list of cocktails and nibbles, I’m looking at a program! Like this is a graduation or a kid’s school play.

I love it.

Under a tentative set list, I see this. No attribution (but he told me just now as I write this that yes, he and the others in the band wrote it). But this is why I am here… I’m tearing up again just reading it.

Artist’s Manifesto:

“We do so aim to create a beautiful noise to the best of our ability, an reckoning. We speak our simple truth, without falsehood. Let our words never be amended, censored, or appeased. Our concerns lie not the realm of the material or the monetary, but rather the spiritual and the poetical. For the benefit, not merely the entertainment, of all living creatures, the plants, the air, the soil, the water, and the sky.”

How many of these programs just got wadded up and thrown away that night? That is easily one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen … did anyone else even read it?

Showtime:

There’s Landon [Pigg]. If you’ve seen Jesse at all recently, you’ve seen Landon. I tried to research when the relationship began and the answer seems to be the end of last year (2022). For lack of more information, I’m going to create a scenario from the one bit I did manage to find about the relationship being borne of an appreciation of “red wine and music”… or something like that. Something half childhood playground interaction where it really was as easy as just asking, “Wanna be friends?” and the scene in Stepbrothers, “Did we just become… BEST. FRIENDS?”

Landon is all button-down shirt earnest. I love the quote in the program, “Landon is a young man on a soul quest. In a word, he is ‘nimble.’ His upper range engages birds and the more tuneful of dogs. Down, Scruffy, down girl!” A playful jab at the attractive nature of the earnest boy charming the birds down from the trees. His voice is beautiful. His songs are sweet and wistful. Though he seems to spend his time with Jesse on the percussive side (shaker, maracas, tambourine, bongos), he seems an adept multi-instrumentalist in his own right, moving comfortably between keys and guitar.

At some point, it starts to rain. It doesn’t even sound real at first. It sounds like rain sticks I used to see (don’t touch!) at the mall when I was a kid.

Beautiful.

I return to a lyric for what I’m sure won’t be the last time. From Occasionally Joy, “My wardrobe can’t make up its mind…” I’ve already amended my list of Jesse’s outfit personas once. I’m thrown a new one tonight. Jeans, white tank, and… Castiel help us… a trench coat. Tonight he looks like The Highlander (“there can be ONLY ONE!”) and I am living for it.

Just like my time spent Salim last weekend, Jesse with a band is a completely new experience from his quiet, unassuming performances spied thus far. I had a basic idea from videos watched online. It was completely different seeing it live.

Jesse is a man possessed. The demon-spirit is music. The Rock. I verify in my photos later – he’s not even aware at times. He is transported. Slave and master. Dominance and submission. Complete thrall to the sounds he wrestles from his guitar. He throws himself to the ground. “Haven’t the monkeys…” Writhes. “Done such…” Submits to the music while his guitar submits to him. “Lovely job…”

What we got:

Power of Us, The Future’s Been Canceled, The Last Time I Saw Nancy Claire (She Wasn’t Really There), Haven’t the Monkeys Done Such a Lovely Job, Feed Her to the Snake, Ads You Can Really Taste, I’m So Happy (I Think I Might Cry)*, Biting off The Hand that Feeds, Drop Dead and Die*, The Dream Where You Can’t Wake Up*, Everybody’s Got Somebody (Nobody’s Got Me)*, Backyard Party MDA*

(*from Violensia)

MDA was a delightful finale as everyone got up – lead by Landon who boasts some wicked rug cutting capability – and started dancing. It was fun to watch. Happiness like that is catching. A high note to end on for sure.

(READ HERE IF YOU SKIPPED PERSONAL NARRATIVE TO GET TO THE ALBUM STUFF)

Here is your Violensia sound bite:

“This album is SO GOOD it made me FLIP TABLES at my local mall food court. Buy it NOW!” — Someone With a Valuable Opinion (me, it’s me, I have a valuable opinion)

Back to my POV:

The show was amazing. We ended up rocking out next to a kind, older gentleman who was later revealed to be the Pigg Patriarch (or Father Pigg as he is now in my phone). He was delighted to meet us and hear of our long trek to see Jesse and his sons (Gabe, the drummer, belongs to Clan Pigg too). He even asked me what the draw was. It’s taken me time to realize why some of his music is so comfortable, so familiar to me.

Jesse said of the Violensia songs, “They are just so weird and dramatic and operatic…”

I showed Papa Pigg the tattoo that takes up a good portion of my right shin. Another young man with sculpted cheekbones and a flare for the “weird and dramatic and operatic.” Dad gets it. He says he already thought that with Jesse’s choice of white tank top tonight.

There can be only one…

Landon talks to us for a bit. He talks again about the stickers I gifted him with when I saw them in May. They were AI generated and then manipulated in Procreate. One is a guinea pig in front of a foamy cappuccino and the other is an anthropomorphized guinea pig playing a guitar. I was mildly terrified giving them to him. Afraid perhaps, like me, his name got him bullied in school, but no, he seemed delighted. Neither he nor Jesse seem to have much merch (I do stickers for Salim as a freebie at his merch table “Do you have room in your life for stickers?” He will ask people while they browse his offerings). Landon agrees they don’t have much merch usually, but he then tells me that his Mom has framed the stickers (I don’t know if I got this right, but I immediately see them placed over a mantle piece, something Mother Pigg has given pride of place to, she gazes fondly at them when she thinks of her boy, the singer… And oh YES in this imagining they are a family of Pixar animated guinea pigs ready to star in “Sing 3.” Please don’t begrudge me my happy mind movies.)

I pause… I think for a minute… trying to write this.

I don’t know what I am trying to express to you, the collective you.

I know there are people out there who feel like I do. People who don’t have a drug yet to keep them going. I’m just trying to show you mine. There’s a scene in the 1990 “It” where the little kid with asthma has it revealed to him that his medicine is just water. “If you need it, ” his friends tell him, “It’s good medicine.”

I’ll never write something that will single handedly drive up anyone’s album sales (but per the above Manifesto, it’s not even about that… this makes me feel better.) I’m just trying to show you out there in the darkness with me that there are lights, there are drugs – whatever they mean to you – there are things to keep going for.

There is beauty.

My favorite song from Violensia is “Dream Where You Can’t Wake up” (complete aside: I’m either psychic or the Gods of People Afraid to Fly unlocked Violensia for me months ago so I could listen to it on a flight recently while trying not think about crashing .. when I could finally listen to it officially, I knew EXACTLY how this entire song went):

“Tomorrow’s gonna come, the sun is gonna shine, shine on everyone…tomorrow’s gonna come blue skies are gonna hang far above everyone…”

And now I’m really dating myself. Just like Curly said in “City Slickers,” the answer is one thing.. ONE… but you have to figure out what that one thing is.

For me, it’s the hope I hear in these songs, Salim, Jesse, YOU out there making music because it’s what your soul needs to survive.

I’m not alone. There is something beautiful to look for. And when the darkness starts to creep back in, I will search for my next “hit” and the artists in the above manifesto will be out there ready to provide.

“To every broken heart that came before… I’m gonna be just fine…”

TLDR:

Jesse Daniel Edwards is an amazing artist. His new album is called “Violensia.” YOU WANT IT. It’s on Spotify, but vote with your dollars: HERE.

[mercurytrinemoon]

Another post on Moon signs you can drag me for

Before we get into the actual thing, I'd like to say this post initially started as something else but ultimately, what I tried to put across is, sometimes Moon signs aren’t that easy to decipher. It’s easy to grasp overall characteristics of the signs and then learn how to identify their specific traits. But what people seem to forget it that Moon represents the deepest side of us & our inner world - it’s uncommon to really see someone’s side of it unless you really pay attention. Sometimes I’m surprised to see what someone’s Moon sign is even if I know this person well. Meaning, people usually hide that part of them - or they just simply process it internally and others can’t see their emotional reactions. It’s also uncommon for folks these days to fully express their emotional needs so it gets even trickier to pin-point their Moon characteristics. I don't think I have to mention this but, of course, your entire chart should be taken into account, as well as house placement, aspects. Personally, I like to also look at Moon's dispositor.

Let’s start from my friends, Gemini Moons, who, I feel, get a bad rep for not showing their feelings and scanning every emotion like an AI. Nah-ah. I know this one Gemini Moon whose immediate emotional reactions aren’t very cerebral in the sense of processing everything in the mind and intellectualizing it aka, what people like to label as being un-emotional. Instead her reactions are often fast (air energy) but physically expressed through Mercury (Gemini Moon’s dispositor) and Sun (overall identity) – she has them both in Aries. She’s a crybaby who can burst into tears in a matter of seconds. So she’s not something that would stereotypically be assigned to a Gemini Moon. But what I did notice is that all Gemini Moons tend to have this weird look on their face when they’re processing stuff. As if they were about to have a brain malfunction; they stop and have that specific worried look. They also like to either gossip or tell stories (either real or made up lol); they’re great with words - they can talk for hours if they feel comfortable with you. They just crave interaction and mental stimulation. Their quick reactions tend to make them effortlessly witty. Even if they’re a withdrawn Gemini type, they make up for it through social media and technology or just a quiet exploration. My shy Cancer pal with Moon in Gemini is now a brand/website designer and an instagram queen who travels the world. This is great energy for content creators in general. And don’t forget that Geminis need to have their fingers in many pies. It’s because they always have a backup plan… and they get bored easily so they need that chaos around them to feel at home. They like to have options in everything, which is kind of funny cause it’s hard for them to make up their minds and actually choose something. And they store a lot of information in their brains… I feel like it must be exhausting, no? 

On the other side of the axis, whenever I see someone with a Sagittarius Moon, I can immediately say “yup, a Sag Moon indeed” (probably thanks to my Sag stellium), meaning, they all seem the same to me. Sag Moons often find comfort in exploration - best if it’s literal travel. They always seem to need to free themselves from their surroundings, family, roots or their own culture to discover something new and exciting, even if it’s only in the imaginary words - through books, movies and other medias. Their happiness always lies somewhere else from where they currently are. Like, I think all Sagittarius Moons that I know have left their parents and went their own paths early on. And they have this yolo attitude. Just like Sagittarius Suns, they’re massive dorks, probably also obnoxious… sometimes in a REALLY annoying way. They’re either a) very wise and curious b) lil preachy and stuck up c) just plain dumb clowns with no filter. But they’re all funny. And they take things lightly, with a natural ease. This means sometimes they may offend other people just because they assume everyone’s as chill as they are; „relax! I was just kidding!” - that’s a phrase you’ll hear from them often… I mean, unless you’re a jokester yourself and you’re unmoved by their sarcastic or teasing words. They have somewhat spiritual or philosophical nature so besides making you laugh, be prepared for deep monologues. They want to believe everything will eventually fall into place. It’s also hard to bring them down - or I should say, it’s hard to make them acknowledge that they're feeling down - they always try to distract or cover it up with a joke, usually a self-depricating one. If Sagittarius Moon (or Sagittarius in general tbh) is telling you that they’re unhappy, then it’s serious.

I’ve noticed there comes a point in life for a Libra Moon where they just have enough. They’re too nice for everyone and one day they wake up and yell about how they have to do everything for everyone and everyone wants something from them and bLah bLah. Makes me think of when Bieber was this overly nice kid and then he was like “I’M NOT TAKING PICTURES WITH FANS ANYMOREEEE AAGhJFJFUWIUq”. Yup, a Libra Moon, everyone. They know how to charm and appeal to people, I think overall they’re easily liked by others. Sometimes it’s simply because they like to kiss people’s ass just to avoid being rejected. That’d be a Libra Moon’s nightmare. They like other people’s company too much. And they thrive in relationships and in a big circle of friends. What they hate is confrontations (like every other Libra placement omg). They may be good mediators when it comes to other people but if they’re involved in an argument they get sooooo passive aggressive. They just don’t know how to handle conflicts - it’s as if their nervous system wasn’t designed for emotional outbursts (because, you know, everything needs to be peaceful and harmonious Venus-style). A fussy or angry Libra Moon will suddenly get loud as they blame someone for something… and then they’ll leave the room cause they’re scared to even hear the other side of the argument. Or, alternatively, they’ll make a doormat out of themselves just to stay quiet and avoid causing any rift. And making decisions? I think it’s common for them to have two different romantic interests and feeling so dramatically torned between them *Alexa play Agony from Into the Woods*. Then when they decide, they have problems breaking the bad news to one of them.

On the other end we have Aries Moons. *deep breath* Listen, I think I’ve said enough about having Moon in Aries (or rather purely dissing it) but last time it made a bit of controversy so why not wreak even more havoc. I have a good description for this one: I will punch you but be gentle with me cause it’s easy to break my fragile heart. So basically, imagine putting Buttercup and Bubbles into one person. And honestly, I need to say this, women with this placement are just hot badasses, look at friggin Angelina Jolie. The queen of badass. The queen of hot. People say because Aries folks move quickly (literally and figuratively lol), they often get bored with whatever got them excited last week... or yesterday. Ha, yeah, right. You get their heart to open up and they’re going to have their eyes for you ONLY, like a lil puppy. Give us treats and we’ll build our world around you. But NOT in a clingy way by any means, we need our space and independence after all. My lil niece is an Aries Moon and ever since I started playing guitar with her, she became my #1 fan or something. That’s the energy. But we get easily bored with day-to-day stuff so yeah, there’s that. Innocent and clumsy yet raw in their emotions - so there’s potential to make mistakes sometimes (or a lot of times) or having this tunnel vision, like „I want this and I don’t care about anything else!”. And then excusing it with some „but the heart wants what it wants” crap (looking @ ya, Selena Gomez). They experience constant inner movement and turbulence that needs a physical outlet in order to feel satisfied. WE NEED PASSION IN OUR LIVES, OKAY?!?!?? now leave me alone

Aquarius Moons aren’t as cold as you might think. People like to describe them as if their Moons actually disappeared from their charts: dEtaCheD, uNeMotiOnaL, tHey fEeL nOtHinG. It’s just they don’t sit and dwell on things, they find solutions to the problems. If something doesn’t make them feel right, they just leave that situation. They do care about other people’s well-being, they’re very sensitive in that regard, they’re humanitarians after all. Yeah, they detach, but from their own emotions - in order to make sense of them. They may seem like snow queens sometimes (and this comes from an Aqua rising) but they’re really friendly and if you pique Aqua Moon’s interest, they’re going to be curious about you. They like new exciting things so if you’re cool enough, you have their attention. Usually they’re pretty progressive as well and can’t stand injustice. That’s why you’ll see them standing up for those who are in need. Uranian energy gives them a specific type of sharp intuition and wit. Idk they’re just cute in a quirky way. But this buzzing, fast energy is a great recipe for anxiety, over-thinking and frequent changes of heart. Similarly to Sadges, they need constant exploration and stimuli. Intelligent, people-oriented (but not people-pleasing! Look to Libras for that), individualistic. They definitely need their own space and independence. Their decision-making is fast and it’s easy for them to just say „screw it, I’m doing this”. My Aquarius Moon friend just casually decided that she’s moving to Turkey cause nothing in our city (or even country) seems interesting or helping her expand… So she was like, see ya suckers, I’m leaving.

Leo Moons shine from within. You’ll spot them from a mile away even if they’re on the shyer side. They’re all lil stars no matter their profession. Very expressive people & easily excitable. Art galleries, live shows, theater - they love a creative environment even if they don’t pursue that lifestyle themselves... One of my Leo Moon friends is an art junkie – suggest taking her to an obscure play at the local bar, a music festival, a weird museum – she’ll say yes in the blink of an eye. And she loves discussing these things. A Leo Moon may not see themselves as artistically inclined, but usually sooner or later they at least try dipping their toes in music, arts, acting, dancing... you name it. They’ll learn a simple 3-chord song on a ukulele and then play it to you in excitement. Imagine a lil kid making you a puff piece and being super proud of it. Sometimes they just need some encouragement. Remember, Leos feed off of praise, that’s their fuel. Doesn’t mean they’re all proud, egotistical people but what it does mean is that they need a lil assurance to gain their self-confidence. I lived with a Leo Sun/Moon for almost 15 years (who’s a musician btw so yeah, a classic creative Leo type) - he did have some issues lol but ego wasn’t one of them. Drama followed him everywhere but I’m pretty sure he disliked it himself. BUT, with that being said, I feel like Leo Moons tend to dramatize themselves internally. People say it’s something Virgos or Geminis would do - because of their tendency to overthink, but Leos can just go straight to a worst-case scenario in their heads simply because they exaggerate everything. So don’t be surprised to see a Leo Moon feeling down and anxious. On the bright side, be their cheerleader and they’ll give that to you in return. They need sparks and dullness kills their upbeat spirit. They need to feel their own heartbeat so the feeling of excitement is crucial for their well-being. Romantic, giving and kind. They’re fixed fire so once they’re set on something or someone, they give their all and are rather loyal.

I feel like my chart low-key tells me I should dislike Taurus Moons but I just want to melt in their arms and just stay there? Like, forever? Low maintenance but a bit slow-moving and stubborn. They won’t settle easily, at least not officially, so you need to have a lot of patience with them. They need 3 things to feel secure and at peace: physical stimuli, time and a stable place they know they can always come back to. And it’s not like all of them are total lazy homebodies, they may be active spirits & travellers but they are going to have a reallyyyyy nice cosy flat somewhere near their childhood place (gotta be be close to their moms, you know). Not necessary materialistic but they may have one thing that they collect throughout their entire life and they won’t. ever. get. rid. of. it. There needs to be at least one constant in their life - like you know when Elton John decided to go to therapy but one thing he stuck to was shopaholism? Very Taurus Moon of him. Also, they’re very affectionate. In fact, may have issues differentiating between affection and passion - this is actually something Taurus Moon and Aries Moon have in common. Pro tip - and this is in regard to all Taurus placements - don’t smell bad when you’re around them (I mean, don't smell bad in general, no one likes stinky people lol). They have a sensitive smell. Doesn’t help that they like to smell everything. EVERYTHING. I swear, Taurus, stop sticking your nose in every single thing!!! You don't need to know how that piece of utensil smells like. Jeez.

Scorpio Moon (shoutout to those who remember me accidentally calling them sporpio last time I made a post on Moons lol). I honestly don’t know what to tell you... I feel like all you hear about Scorpio Moon is 100% true, there’s nothing to debunk here. It’s the Moon of extremes. Prone to jealousy and surpressing emotions; severe trust issues; they’re instigators. I was low-key bullied by a few Scorpio Moons when I was in school so there’s that. Very secretive and private. Scorpio Moon will be like “I’m in control of the situation!!!!” and you’ll just look at them and think, yeah, right, looks like the situation is controlling you. But keep being in denial, sure. Like, don’t get me wrong, Scorpios in general can be TOTAL SWEETHEARTS OMG but ya’ll have issues. Even celebrities who have this placements... Think Beyonce or Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus... I feel like they have issues lol, especially with control and the need for everything to be perfectly the way they want it to be. To be fair, that’s probably why they’re all so influential and high status: it’s either their way or highway. They need constant reinvention; they’re the ones to wake up one day and decide they’re going through a spiritual awakening blah blah. They also like to talk about dark and shocking topics while having casual lunch with you... So like, be warned that you may end up with a depressed mood after talking to them for 10 minutes. And their mood swings... don’t even get me started on that.

I don't know where to start with Virgo Moons... I feel like they're very calculated and nit-picky but they're a lot warmer than Virgo Suns. I think I called them softies in my last Moon post. Very sweet people but prone to anxiety. You gotta experience seeing them having a heart attack over someone mixing bananas with milk or messing with their stuff that’s been put in a perfect arrangement. I saw a Virgo Moon once literally squealing shouting "YOU'RE GONNA RUIN YOUR LAPTOP WITH THAT SUPERGLUE!!!" Highly entertaining to watch, not gonna lie. Gordon Ramsay has his Moon in Virgo - it’s conjunct Uranus and Pluto so that’s an extreme but I think him being fed up with people over small inconsistencies in their food prep is a perfect example of this energy (btw his chart is hilarious, it literally explains EVERYTHING). They're VERY picky with their food as well, just as Virgo Suns tend to be. Like, they’ll only have a specific type of single origin coffee or they’ll be vegan or something. Self-critical over their work, which is a plus... except for when finishing a simple task takes them a few hours because they want to make it perfect. They take everything seriously. This of course doesn't mean they're total bores - on the contrary, Mercurial energy gives them witty approach and a talent for choosing the right words at the right time. Tho they can be a bit awkward or shy with it. Can be as bubbly as Gemini but the grounded earthy energy gives them more practical and almost nurturing nature - earth signs are providers after all and Virgo is the sign of service - helping others is like their second nature. I’ve noticed they often find comfort in devoting themselves to a choosen task - this is why if they pursue something, they’re really good at it. They’re also very likely to dissect their emotions.

I’m not a fan of water Moons in general but Pisces Moon is the best water Moon in my opinion. Maybe because I like Pisces overall. I think it’s like a tweaked Sagittarius Moon - just more internalized, withdrawn & gloomy. But unlike Sag, who has a tendency to be an adventurous optimist, Pisces likes to focus on the negatives instead. Obviously, they can be very upbeat, they’re Jupiter-ruled after all, but there’s somehing whiny about them lol. Just like Sadges, they dream big and have their standards put up sooo high but if there's not much active energy in their charts, they’re often too passive to actually fullfill any of that - or I should say, they’re stuck daydreaming about it, believing it’ll just magically manifest for them... OR they do everything with an apathetic approach. What I do like about them is that they’re funny. And really chill - sometimes to the point of coming off as confused or hazy. I feel like a lot of them would just love to sleep all day... or sit by the lake and just think about the world. Most of them are also compassionate folks - again, maybe a bit too much. Hey Pisces, you don’t have to take everything to heart, it’s okay. On the bright side, they have big imagination and the ability to disconnect and just create. I have a few Pisces Moons in the family: one’s that sleepy artistic type with grand visions, one is an asshole-ish but funny entrepreneur with a questionable work ethic and one is a witty IT guy who’s actually a workaholic and likes to shut in his own world of computers and numbers or whatever he does there... So there’s this factor of tunnel vision, escapism and, on the more negative side, being kinda iffy and almost addicted to the way they want things to be. Once they set their eyes on something it’s done deal…

My issue with Capricorn Moons is that they're often trying to be sooooo mature omg, like, loosen up a bit. It usually starts when they're in their later teens... They can be the most rebellious kid that likes to have fun and suddenly they'll be like "I'm too old for this ugh grow up" *judgmental stare*. My 18-year old niece once literally roasted my sister that she's in her 30s and still doesn't have her own place (well so do I so I guess she also indirectly roasted me as well???). And she was SO deadpan with it. Because she herself wants to be independent and start a family before turning 25. This is classic Capricorn Moon energy. They suck out joy out of everything lol. Of course, OF COURSE, it depends on the whole chart but I feel like worst-case scenario is that at one point in their life (or maybe even a few times throughout it) they go through a massive shake-up that makes them change their attitude and re-evaluate their structures. There's this multi-instrumentalist Yvette Young - she's a sweet, funny Cancer/Leo mix but her Moon is in Capricorn. She used to be a competitive pianist but the pressure that was put on her has led her to severe health issues. Like yes, she’s now an extremely talented musician - thanks to family’s expectations & a rigid schooling system (Saturn) but it did cost her a lot. She has recovered since then but I think it's a perfect example of this energy. It’s very ambitious and hardworking but emotionally demanding in the sense that you have to actually put your emotions aside in order to deal with the rest. Another thing, because Moon can be associated with family, there's often a weird dynamic surrounding this topic. I don't think I've met a Capricorn Moon that had a completely healthy and happy relationship with their fam or one of the family members. Or, alternatively, there can be a strong bond between one of them but usually created in the atmosphere of hardships.

Last but not least, Cancer Moons. I had three school friends with this placement and all of them made this sad, whiny face as they said „oh I don’t knoooow anymoreee”  when they were feeling torned or frustrated. To be fair, two of them are water Suns so for them, it added to the mushyness. All Cancer Moons I know are family people or better yet, baby people. One of those school friends is now a guidance counsellor, working with kids; the other turned her instagram into a gallery of her own child after she gave birth. So much kid content, omg. There’s also something very indecisive about them… or I should say, hesitant. They’re not very fast at making decisions. Also, what’s interesting, they’re kind of like walking libraries, they remember a lot – so they store a lot of information in their brains just like air signs but they process it in a completely different way – emotional, obviously. I think this also makes them hold grudges a lot. For them it’s more of a question of „how does it make me feel?” rather than „how valid is it?”. There’s certain stubborness in them in that regard because they don’t keep their minds open. It’s also hard for them to walk away from people and situations, like a crab pinching you with its claws – it won’t let go. Sensitive but not easy to open up; very protective of themselves and their loved ones & they tend to shut down in their crab shells. But they may crave connection and the feeling of belonging. Also very caring and with a big imagination. They’re very receptive of their environment so mood swings are a thing for them.

[howdon-aldi-death-queue]

NEW SAM FENDER INTERVIEW FOR NME

THE BIG READ

Sam Fender: “This album is probably the best thing I’ve done in my life”

The hometown hero has distanced himself from the ‘Geordie Springsteen’ tag, but there’s no shortage of rites-of-passage yarns and colossal tunes on the upcoming ‘Seventeen Going Under’

“You can see the ghost of Thatcherism over there…” says Sam Fender, pointing across the water to a vacant shipyard, where once the shipbuilding industry was so healthy that vessels towered higher than the rows of houses on the shore. We’re on the waterfront in North Shields, just outside Newcastle, and our photographer is snapping away for Sam’s first NME cover shoot.

The singer-songwriter stares stonily into the lens as wafts of seaweed and fishing trawlers are carried by the northern coastal breeze. He’s already been stopped for a few pictures with fans, but remains eager to point out the impact that Tory leadership has had on his working-class town over the last few decades. “It’s been closed since the ’80s, from the ghost wasteland of the shipyards. You’ve got all the scars of Thatcherism from The Tyne all over to the pit villages in Durham.”

It’s as good an introduction as any to the outspoken musician, whose 2019 debut album ‘Hypersonic Missiles’ was a record for his sleepy hometown to be proud of – tackling themes that range from male suicide (the heartbreaking ‘Dead Boys’) to world tensions (and the “kids in Gaza” he eulogised on its soaring title track). He set weighty topics against blisteringly well-executed Americana with the fist-in-the-air euphoria of Bruce Springsteen’s colossal choruses and sax solos. Much like his hero, Sam smartly weaves his own political standpoint and personal circumstance into gripping anthems of a generation, which earned him the ‘Geordie Springsteen’ tag.

“I can’t exactly bat off those comparisons, can I?” he says back in his cosy recording studio nearby. “At the same time, I don’t feel worthy of that tag. The first time I heard it, I was like, ‘That’s fucking sick’, but you don’t want to be riding off the coattails of The Boss for the rest of your life. I can write my own songs, they’re different and my voice doesn’t sound anything like Springsteen’s. I don’t have his growl; I’m a little fairy when I sing.”

He may have toned down the Springsteen vibes slightly on his highly anticipated second album ‘Seventeen Going Under’, due later this year, but there are still plenty of chest-pounding anthems capable of making your hairs stand on end: “I much prefer Americana to the music we have in our country at the moment. I love the leftfield indie stuff like Fontaines D.C, Squid and Black Midi, but I love a chorus and melodic songs. I think the American alternative scene has that down with Pinegrove, Big Thief, The War On Drugs.”

‘Hypersonic Missiles’ thrummed with a small town frustration almost that every suburban teenager could surely relate to. This was most notable on ‘Leave Fast’, where he sang about the “boarded up windows on the promenade / The shells of old nightclubs” and “intoxicated people battling on the regular in a lazy Low Lights bar”, a reference to his beloved local. But album two sees him fully embrace North Shields, an ever-present backdrop to cherished memories and harrowing life events of his youth and surroundings.

It’s no coincidence that the 27-year-old has turned inwards and penned a record about his hometown while being stuck at home like the rest of the country: “I didn’t have anything to point at and I didn’t want to talk about the pandemic because nobody wants that – I never want to hear about it again. It was such a stagnant time that I had to go inwards and find something, because I was so uninspired by the lifetime we we’re living in.

“I’ve made my coming-of-age record and that was important for me – as I get older, these stories keep appearing; I’ve got so much to talk about. I wrote about growing up here. It’s about mental health and how things that happen as a child impact your self-esteem in later life. On the first record, I was pointing at stuff angrily, but the further I’ve gotten into my 20s, the more I’ve realised how little I know about anything. When you hit 25, you’re like: ‘I’m fucking clueless! I know nothing about the world.’ It was a humbling experience, growing up.”

Early last year, before the pandemic hit, Sam was set to jet off to New York pre-pandemic to record in the city’s infamous Electric Lady studios founded by Jimi Hendrix. “Looking back, I’m thankful that it happened,” he says. “If I went off to New York and did my second album there… it wouldn’t have been the same record. I will go and do the third one in NYC, come hell or high water – I’m fucking out of here!

“The forced return home really informed the direction [of the record]. I was on the crest of this insane wave; we’d sold out 84,000 tickets for the [‘Hypersonic Missiles] arena tour that we still haven’t played yet. I’m still waiting to hear when it’s going to be rescheduled. It’s incredibly frustrating; I’ve got loads of frustrated fans. That was all cancelled on the day of the lockdown. I thought it was only going to be a couple of months and that it would be another swine flu thing, but fool me – I was stuck in the house like everybody else.”

It’s not the first setback that Sam has dealt with in his career. In the summer of 2019, he was ready to make his Glastonbury Festival debut with a Friday afternoon set on the legendary John Peel Stage, a rite of passage for any emerging artist, but had to pull out due to a serious health issue with his vocal chords. The mood in the room shifts dramatically at the mention of this devastating period: “I don’t want to focus on that, to be honest, because it’s just negative news and it’s in the past.”

“The further I’ve gotten into my 20s, the more I’ve realised how little I know”

Looking back now, he says, it was a tough decision, but ultimately the right thing to do: “We were doing so much at the time and I just burnt out. If you damage your vocal cords, you can’t take it lightly. If something happens like that and you keep going, you’ll fucking lose your career forever. I never want to end up behind the knife; I just refuse to put myself in that situation.”

The fact that his 2019 breakthrough ground to a halt again in COVID-decimated 2020 “was frustrating as fuck”, he says, “but I took solace in the fact that everyone was stopped in their tracks that time; it wasn’t just me.” This was in stark contrast to the singer’s experience of pulling the biggest moment of his music career in order to rest his vocal cords: “I didn’t talk for three weeks; I had to be silent and just watch Glastonbury on the TV, going, ‘This is completely dogshit’. But you can’t even say that out loud – you’re just saying it over in your head like a psycho. I’d take a pandemic over that any day.”

There was a brief flash of light when he headlined the opening night at the world’s first socially distanced arena, Newcastle’s Virgin Money Unity venue, to an audience of 2,500. Yet Sam’s not in the mood to wax lyrical about that, either. “It was amazing,” he says, “but it didn’t happen again.” A local lockdown in the North East brought the following shows – which would have featured Kaiser Chiefs and Declan McKenna – to a premature end in September: “It was another false start. We thought everything was going to get moving again but then we were just sat around [again].”

As for this reaction to the Government’s handling of the pandemic? It perhaps says it all that he’s selling face masks emblazoned with the words ‘2020 Shit Show’ and ‘Dystopian Nightmare Festival’ on his website. “I think everyone has said enough haven’t they?” Sam suggests. “I never want to see Boris Johnson’s or Matt Hancock’s face ever again. As soon as they come on the TV, I just turn it off.”

Political tension bubbles through ‘Seventeen Going Under’. Its second half boasts tracks such as ‘Long Way Off’, a brooding but colossal festival anthem brimming with angst and unease. “Standing on the side I never was the silent type,” Fender roars, “I heard a hundred million voices / sound the same both left and right / we’re still alone we are.” It’s gripping stuff; a Gallagher-level anthem ripe for pyro and pints held aloft.

Sam says the song is about feeling stranded amid political divisiveness here and in the US, epitomised when Donald Trump supporters stormed the Capitol in Washington back in January: “You’ve either got right-wing, racist idiots or you’ve got this elitist, upper-middle-class section of the left-wing, which completely alienates people like myself and people from my hometown.”

“The polarity between the left and the right has me feeling like I have no identity”

Closer to home, the last UK election, in 2019, saw the so-called ‘Red Wall’ crumble as working-class voters in the north defected from Labour to Tory. “The polarity between the left and the right has me feeling like I have no identity,” Sam says. “I’m obviously left-wing, but you lose hope don’t you? Left-wing politics has lost its main votership; it doesn’t look after working-class people the way that it used to. Blyth Valley voted Tory just north of here. Now, that is saying something! We’re in dire straits when a fucking shipbuilding town is voting for the Tories – it’s like foxes voting for the hunter.”

He’s even seen his own working-class friends peel to the blue side: ��I’m like, ‘What the fuck is going on?’ I understand it, though. I’d never vote for the bastards because I fucking hate them and I know what they’re up to, but I get why people don’t feel any alliegiance to left-wing politics when they’re working-class.”

As ever though, Sam isn’t masquerading as an expert: “I’m not fucking Noam Chomsky, you know what I mean? I’m not going to dissect the whole political agenda of the Tories and figure it all out because I can’t. All I see is a big fucking shit sandwich – every day through my news feed – and it’s just, ‘Well: that’s what your dealing with.”

The singer is fond of describing North Shields as “a drinking town with a fishing problem”. Today he adds: “That’s been the backdrop of my life: all of these displaced working-class people. It’s a town that’s resilient that still has a strong sense of community. In a lot of big cities that’s dead. In London everything changes from postcode to postcode, but everything is quite uniform up here.”

When NME was awaiting Sam’s arrival outside the studio before the interview, a passerby clocked our photographer’s gear and asked, “Oh aye – are you waiting for Sam? We all know Sam – a good lad; very accommodating with nae airs or graces about him.” Another pointed to The Low Lights Tavern down the road, where Fender used to pull pints on the weekends: “He was a terrible barman, and he’ll be the first to tell you that. I think he got sacked about six times during his time there.”

Sam (who confesses of his bartending know-how: “He’s totally right!”) hit the local to celebrate when ‘Hypersonic Missiles’ won him a Critics’ Choice gong at the BRIT Awards in 2019, placing the trophy on the bar. “I owed The Low Lights one for being such a shit barman,” he says. “I wanted them to be proud of us because they fucking certainly wasn’t proud of us when I was around working there!”

“Celebrity stuff freaks me out. I’d rather just live my life”

He’s clearly a key member of the local community, then. How did he see the pandemic impact on his family and friends – especially when the North East faced the toughest Tier Four lockdown restrictions last December? Sam pauses before bluntly saying: “I lost more mates; there was suicides again. Mental health was the biggest thing. We lost friends who had drunk too much.”

A track on the new record, ‘The Dying Light‘, is an epic sequel to ‘Dead Boys’, with the poignant last line of the album ringing out “for all the ones who didn’t make the night”. Sam, unable to truly distance himself from The Boss after all, explains: “It’s very Springsteen. It’s my ‘Jungleland’ or ‘Thunder Road’ – it’s got that ‘Born To Run’ feel; there’s strings and brass [and] it’s fucking massive. It’s a celebration. It’s a triumph over adversity.”

He stresses that it was vital for him to be in regular contact with his friendship circle through that traumatic time: “It becomes important when you lose friends to suicide… You realise it’s always the unlikely folks. We lost a friend to suicide at the beginning of last year and it was someone you’d never expect. It really hits home; it’s important to check in on your mates.”

Sam has alluded in previous interviews to a health condition that he’s not yet ready to fully disclose, and tells NME that he spent three months shielding at the beginning of the pandemic: “I was alone for three months and that was very tough… When you’re completely alone and isolated, it’s impossible. I spent a lot of time drinking and not really looking after myself and eating shit food, but I wrote a lot of good lyrics.”

There’s a certain resulting bleakness to some of his new songs, but Sam also wanted light to shine through. “It’s a darker record, but it’s a celebration of surviving and coming out the other end,” he explains. “It’s upbeat but the lyrics can be quite honest. It’s the most honest thing I’ve done.”

You might expect a young hometown hero to rail at having been denied the chance to capitalise on his burgeoning fame in the last year or so, but Sam insists, “I still have imposter syndrome,” adding: “I don’t feel like it’s happened… I’m walking around the street and people ask for photos and it just feels bizarre. I’m like, really? I feel like I haven’t come out of my shell yet.”

Sam has rarely been one to court celebrity, and revealed in 2019 that he’d turned down the chance to appear in an Ariana Grande video. “It was an honour but I would have just been known as that guy in the video,” he tells NME. “All of my mates would have been flipping their heads off, but I don’t think she would really want an out-of-shape, pale Geordie. I’d rather just live my life, because all of this celebrity stuff freaks [me] out, you know?”

He might have to get used to it: things can only get bigger with the arrival of the new album. “As a record I think this one is leagues ahead [of ‘Hypersonic Missiles’],” he says, “I’m more proud of this than anything I’ve ever done. It’s probably the best thing I’ve done in my life. I just hope people love it as much as I do. With the first album, a lot of those songs were written when I was 19, so I was over half of it [by the time it was released]. Whereas this one is where I’m at now.”

“This is a dark record, but it’s a celebration of surviving and coming out the other end”

Still, he adds: “At the same time, this record is probably going to piss a lot of people off.” He’s referring to a line in one of the more political tracks, ‘Aye’, where he returns to his most enduring bugbear, divisiveness, and claims that “the woke kids are just dickheads”. Sam’s no less forthcoming in person: “They fucking are, though! Some 22-year-old kid from Goldsmiths University sitting on his fucking high horse arguing with some working-class person on some comments section calling them an ‘idiot’ and a ‘bigot’? Nobody engages each other in a normal discussion [online] without calling each other a ‘thick cunt’.”

He’s eager to make this statement, though, come what may: “I don’t fucking care any more. I’m not really sure how the reaction is going to be. People used to say things online about me and I used to get quite hurt about it, but now I’m like, ‘Well, they’re not coming to my house’… [But] I get so angry. In Newcastle we say ‘pet’ and someone was trying to tell me that was fucking offensive towards women. You’re not going to delete my fucking colloquial identity. It’s not even gender-specific; we say it to men and women. My Grandma calls me ‘pet’! That brand of liberalism is fucking destroying the country. We could be getting Boris Johnson and all them pricks out of office if we stopped sweating over shit like that”.

Sam might be outspoken, but he’s self-aware, too. When we were talking politics earlier, he said: “I didn’t want to start on ‘cancel culture’ because I don’t want to sound like Piers Morgan [and] I fucking hate that cunt. But there is a degree of it which lacks redemption; people fuck up. Everyone is a flawed character. If you’re not admitting that you have flaws, then you’re a fucking psychopath. The left-wing seem to be that way and the right-wing are fucking worse than they’ve ever been. Politically I have just lost my shit.”

In all of this uncertainty, though, it seems a sure thing that Sam Fender will take his rightful crown – as soon as the world lets him – with the colossal ‘Seventeen Going Under’. “It’s going to be a hell of a return,” he insists. “I know the fans are still there, you know? So I’m not really worried – I’m ready to go out there and do my thing. Finally!”

[elitegymnastics]

Q: What is this?

A: It’s a flyer for a virtual fundraiser on June 4th that Elite Gymnastics is playing. You can access the show at quietyear.com

Q: Hasn’t Elite Gymnastics been inactive for like, ten years?

A: Yes. This is the first Elite Gymnastics performance of any kind since November 30th 2012, at the Horn Gallery at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio. 

Q: Why did Elite Gymnastics stop playing shows?

A: Elite Gymnastics started out as me (Jaime) and a bunch of my friends agreeing to help me play my songs live back in 2009. I made a lot of weird demos in GarageBand and my friend Dominique Davis from the band Dearling Physique got tired of watching me sit on them. So, he booked me to play at a show he was curating as part of a small local music and arts festival called Clapperclaw. For several months that’s mainly what EG was. At some point the focus shifted to making recordings rather than playing shows, to participate in the emergent culture of new music distributed via MP3 file-sharing. The lineup winnowed to just me and Josh Clancy, who began creating digital EPs that we posted on this Tumblr page as ZIP files full of MP3s accompanied by a PDF of artwork. This is the incarnation of the group that most people are familiar with.

This was before Patreon existed. If Bandcamp was around, we’d never heard of it. Though MP3 file-sharing culture and file transfer sites like MediaFire and MegaUpload allowed anyone to distribute music freely across the world via the internet, it was still pretty difficult to get people to pay you for it. I think it was for this reason that a lot of internet music back then featured a lot of sampling. A lot of artists’ first forays into the world of DAWs and production took the form of mash-ups, bootleg remixes, and DJ mixes. Artists like Animal Collective, MIA, Kanye West, and Daft Punk for whom sampling was a pillar of their creative process were extremely influential. Elite Gymnastics was no exception - the first song of ours to gain traction online was “Is This On Me?” which made no attempt to hide the fact that it heavily sampled Faye Wong’s “Eyes On Me.” The fact that it was so difficult to make money off MP3s pushed people to make different creative decisions than they would have otherwise. It was sort of a free-for-all.

Eventually, all of this started to change. The major labels started getting a lot more aggressive about trying to destroy MP3 file-sharing culture. Platforms like MegaUpload were raided and taken offline. The replacements that sprung up to replace them were increasingly infested with ads and malware. Corporate platforms like YouTube and SoundCloud adopted Content ID filters to prevent the proliferation of copyrighted music there. Blogs and private torrent trackers being taken down meant thousands of hours of labor were wiped out in an instant. Some of the best archives of the history of recorded music ever created were destroyed without hesitation. Even the most devoted participants lost the will to keep repairing and re-making the stuff that cops and record companies kept obliterating.

Josh and I both dreamed of being able to make a living as musicians. We still do. Back then, we were willing to accept a lot of changes in order to make that possible, which seemed necessary. A lot of the stuff that we were great at just didn’t make any money. Once, we were asked to do a remix of a song called “Sa Sa Samoa” by the band Korallreven. I did the remix by myself, which was normal for us, and Josh was so inspired by it that he spent a week working non-stop to create a video for it. People loved it - the day the video dropped, Pitchfork designated the song as a “Best New Track” and New York Magazine wrote about it in their “Approval Matrix.” The video led to a ton of exposure, but from a financial perspective, it just did not make sense to put that much effort into promoting a remix of someone else’s song. The stuff we were personally excited by just seemed to have less and less to do with what actually makes money.

A lot of internet bands during this era began to palpably shapeshift in an effort to succeed in music as a career. Artists who’d first attracted notice for sample-based bangers they made on a laptop started posing with vintage hardware in their press photos and trading in their laptops for live bands and recording studios. It became harder to distribute DJ mixes or mash-ups that contained copyrighted music in them. Influential bloggers either closed up shop or were absorbed into the traditional music industry in some way. Feeds that once touted bizarre songs by laptop-toting weirdos with no industry connections started to become populated mostly by artists with labels and publicists. The bottom rungs of festival lineups started to consist mostly of new major label signings who have lots of money to spend on stage production but not much in the way of grassroots fan enthusiasm or media buzz. 

Internet music and what people tend to refer to as “indie music” split off into two separate streams. Today, there’s a pretty intense firewall between internet culture and whatever you want to call the culture of vinyl records, mid-sized indie labels with publicists, and positive reviews from the few remaining websites that still pay people to write about music. I call it “publicist indie,” “lifestyle techno,” or “prestige electronica” depending on whether or not the music features guitars and/or vocals. The recent online kerfuffle about NFTs really emphasized this split. The worlds of digital illustration and game development campaigned aggressively against mass adoption of cryptocurrency - if you saw any Medium posts explaining crypto’s environmental issues, chances are they were written by someone from those fields. Every new announcement by an artist that they had minted an NFT was met with a swift and vocal backlash from fans. Though I’ve never really been much of an Aphex Twin fan, it was still pretty startling to look at the replies under his NFT announcement tweet and see hundreds of furious people announcing that he was now dead to them. That’s an artist who has seemed more or less unimpeachable for most of my life up until this point! All of that seemed to change in an instant.

There is a massive disconnect between the insular world of the industry establishment and the cutting edge of online counterculture. We saw this again a couple of weeks ago with the online response to the crisis in Gaza. We saw passionate advocacy for Palestinians from games journalists and developers much more often than we saw it from musicians. This is a very serious problem for music! I do not believe it is possible to please both sides - that is to say, I do not believe it is possible to be part of internet counterculture and the industry establishment simultaneously. The music industry is too conservative, too compromised, too corrupt. If it weren’t for the ocean of valuable copyrights that labels are sitting on, most of them would be bankrupt within a year. If the industry was forced to live or die based on how they handle what’s happening right now in the present, it would most assuredly die. The only people who don’t realize this are those who are being paid to stay ignorant. 

Josh and I did not know this back then. From where we were standing, it looked like internet culture and established media industries were on track to converge. A career in the arts seemed genuinely, tantalizingly possible, right up until the moment that it no longer did. 

In my case, I had really been struggling up until that point. My life had been this ongoing sequence of evictions and hospitalizations, and it seemed to be getting worse, not better. I donated plasma twice a week to pay for groceries and while I was sitting there with a giant needle stuck in my left arm for an hour I would see my picture in The Fader or my songs being recommended by one of the Kings of Leon on Twitter or whatever. Music seemed like the only thing the world thought I was any good at. It felt like my only chance at a peaceful, happy life was somewhere out there in a world I could only perceive through a laptop screen. 

Gender, for me, was a big factor in all of this. The more invested in the craft of songwriting I became, the harder it was to repress or ignore my gender stuff. At that time I’m not sure I even knew what the word “transgender” meant - I just knew that when I showed up at a venue wearing a skirt, no one would talk to me or look me in the eye, and that reading about people like Anohni or Terre Thaemlitz or on the internet made me feel like if I could get out of Minneapolis maybe I could find a place where people would accept me. The internet was like, a pretty toxic place for someone in my position. When I tried to find people to talk to about what I was feeling, nobody tried to tell me to read Judith Butler or ask me what pronouns I preferred. The internet was just like, overrun with predators who just wanted to fetishize me and exploit me. Music seemed like the only way I’d ever have an actual life as myself. I was desperate for that. I was well and truly desperate.

Between all the big changes that were happening to us individually and the music industry moving farther and farther away of the anarchic free-for-all of MP3 file-sharing culture, the strain on us just got to be too much. We stopped trusting each other. We became the unstoppable force and the immovable object, crashing haphazardly against one another’s resolve in a dazzling display of youthful futility. Our partnership ended, and after finishing out the remaining live shows on the calendar by myself, I retired the name “Elite Gymnastics” and started making music on my own under other names. That was that.

Q: Why is Elite Gymnastics coming back now, then?

A: Over the years, Josh and I eventually started talking again. Though there was a lot we did agree on, and potential future projects were discussed, nothing truly felt right. We haven’t been in the same room since Summer 2012, and we’ve both changed a lot since then. We both have other projects and we’ve both developed other ways of working since we stopped working together. It’s a pretty big commitment to put all of that aside in order to join your fortunes together with someone you haven’t seen in a decade.

Recently, Josh decided to leave Elite Gymnastics. His reasons are his own, and I was very surprised by his decision, but after having had time to adjust, I’m really grateful to him. I had kept these songs at a distance for many years, because it seemed foolish to allow myself to get too attached to songs I didn’t feel like I was allowed to think of as mine, if that makes any sense. The songs felt like casualties of a conflict that I had to bury in the ground and try to forget about. Being able to embrace them again felt like re-growing a severed limb or having a loved one come back to life, almost. Feeling like it was safe to love these songs again made me feel whole in a way I didn’t expect to. I became really excited by the prospect of revisiting them, so that’s what I decided to do.

Q: Does this mean you’re going to put RUIN back on Spotify?

A: No. Taking the record off Spotify was the right thing to do. That record was only ever intended to exist during the era of MP3 piracy. I never envisioned a world where the music industry would be so aggressive about policing the way that copyrighted music is allowed to exist online. If we hadn’t opted to take the record down when we did, someone would inevitably have forced us to. If you want to hear those specific recordings again, you’re going to have to do it the way we originally intended: by downloading MP3 files from the internet. Try SoulSeek.

Q: What’s next for Elite Gymnastics, then?

A: Here’s the situation currently. There is no Elite Gymnastics music available to stream or purchase in an official capacity anywhere on the internet. It wouldn’t really be possible for me to put the old stuff on Spotify or Bandcamp now because of all the samples. Like I said before, it was a different time. Those records were created to thrive on a past version of the internet that no longer exists. They weren’t designed to be compatible with the 2021 internet.

Technically, Elite Gymnastics didn’t ever release a debut album. We had EPs, a compilation, and a remix collection. We didn’t make an album, a record that existed as the distillation of all that experimentation that contained all of the songs that fans of the EPs would want to hear, all in one place. It’s like we did Good Fridays but stopped before we made My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

So, I am currently working on the first Elite Gymnastics album. If you were following my stuff as Default Genders, you may have noticed me posting demos on my SoundCloud page from 2015-2018 that were all eventually reworked into the album Main Pop Girl 2019. The album I am making is taking that approach to all the old EG songs, including some unreleased stuff. I’m collaborating with others on some songs and I honestly feel like it has resulted in some of the best and most exciting music I have ever been involved with. It is a drastic reinvention, but iteration and reinvention have always been a big part of what I do. I want to make something that feels like the culmination of everything that came before, and so far, I think I’m succeeding.

Q: When will I be able to hear this new music?

At a virtual fundraiser on June 4th, 2021, where there is a suggested donation of $10. You can access it at quietyear.com

[candy-and-writing]

What A Triple Lutz Can Do

Dark! Bucky x Ice Skater! Reader x Dark! Steve

Summary: Steve and Bucky have found each other again, after everything they've been through. When Steve meets you at the Winter Olympics, he decides you're the perfect little doll for their plan.

Warnings: non con/dub con, stalking, drugging, kidnapping, male masturbation, pet names—kitten, oral sex (female and male), fingering, poly relationship (m/m/f), somnophilia, light bondage, more to be added as the story goes on

A/N: This is loosely based off @henchry​ post about Chris Evans dating an ice skater. I read it and instantly had this idea, I’ve just never posted it. I think I unintentionally used bunny by @buckybarney​ as inspiration in making final edits. They also helped me figure out how to make this moodboard, so thank you! Please let me know if you enjoyed this, I had a lot of fun writing this!

I am NOT responsible for your media content consumption. This work is not intended for those under the age of 18 due to explicit sexual content and/or dark themes. By reading this work you agree that you are at least 18 years of age. I do not consent to have my work posted on any third party app or website; if you are seeing this work anywhere other than tumblr and archiveofourown, it has been reposted without my permission.

Before the war, before Bucky had fallen off the train and Steve crashed into the ice, before the Avengers and before and the world made Steve Rogers harder—colder—he liked to call himself a hopeless romantic. He wanted to meet eyes with someone across a diner and feel the fireworks explode in his chest. He wanted to buy a girl flowers, he wanted to walk down the streets of Brooklyn while it was snowing with her hand warming his. He wanted to buy his girl a ring, he wanted to get married, have a family.

He thought he would get that with Peggy, but he missed his chance. When he woke up in another century, he thought for sure he would never get his happily ever after. The women today were so. . . brash. A lady was supposed to be kind, polite, and dutiful. He understood that times were different, but that shouldn't excuse the ungrateful attitudes.

Then he found Bucky again, and the crazy world he had been forced into didn't seem so hopeless anymore. 

Tony had received a call from the International Olympics Committee, formally inviting the Avengers to the Winter Olympics. They were in Italy this year, Milan and Cortina. It was the first Olympic Games to be held in two cities, according to Bruce.

The committee had asked Steve to conduct the medal presentations for ice skating and hockey. They wanted Thor to carry the torch for the opening ceremony, but he was off-world and unavailable.

So here Steve was, sitting in the Mediolanum Forum venue next to Sam so he could watch the ice skating events. He figured if he was going to be giving the winners their medals, he should see why they won.

The committee had given the team access to front row seating, and that's where he was when you came out.

You were the third skater, and the first American representative, to take the ice. Your hair was pulled into a braided braid low on the side of your head with a blue flower pinned above the bun. The little dress you wore was modest—the same shade of blue that matched your flower and a sleeveless neckline that connected to a sheer fabric for sleeves and a higher neck, the little flowy skirt stopping in the middle of your thigh. Lines of little jewels dipped along your bust, beads varying in size. You had makeup on, like all the previous girls, but yours was light and glittery—save for the ruby red lipstick, but even that looked classical on you. It reminded Steve of the makeup women would wear back in the thirties.

He was so focused on you that Sam had to elbow him in the ribs to get his attention. He shut his jaw then, listening to the way your name rolled off the commentator's tongue, the syllables lining and matching each other perfectly.

You were twenty-one, and this was your first time competing in the Olympics. You've competed in other national and international tournaments, and you've done good in them if he was understanding correctly. It made an odd sense of pride swell in his chest. You were skating to Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

You moved to the middle of the rink as the announcer informed the stadium who conducted and performed your piece. You had four quads set in your routine, two in the first half and two in the second. It got quiet in the arena as you raised your arm over your head and arched your back like a ballerina. Steve counted five seconds before the music started and you spun around slowly. You started to move your body and—

Oh. Oh.

Steve was sure his jaw had dropped to the floor. The way you moved was bewitching, beautifully languid yet articulate. It was like the music moved through you, coursing through your veins as you made it entirely your own, bringing something so utterly delicate and ethereal out of the melody. You made it show in your body, in your movements.

The first of your quads were coming up, something called a quadruple lutz. Steve didn't know what it was, but when you threw your leg back and jumped, spinning in the air before landing and the crowd erupted into applause, he figured you did it correctly.

Your feet glided across the ice as you skated backward, your muscles tensing—you were preparing for your next quad. You kicked your leg back and used it as momentum to jump, spinning and landing what the commentator called a quadruple flip. The crowd cheered again.

Your expression—the raw focus and determination hiding behind your eyes—was gorgeous. Your crimson lips were parted slightly, eyelids hooded as you brought your head up. The delicate expression, the way your shoulders tensed as you jumped and spun in the air once, twice, three times before you landed gracefully on your toes had the breath leaving his lungs.

It was art. You were a work of art. So beautiful he wanted to lock you behind a glass cage and put you on display. You commanded the ice as if you controlled it, with such a degree of intricacy that Steve thought if you jumped high enough or spun fast enough you would grow wings and fly away.

You were in your element. You kicked your foot back before bringing it forward, using it to start your jump. You spun in the air and landed on one foot, your other leg spread out and leading the twirl you used to end the jump. The stadium cheered, Sam said something about a triple axel.

Steve wished the song lasted forever, wished he could watch you forever, but soon there was a flute trilling and you slowed, circling back to the center of the rink and just like that—your performance was over. The crowd exploded into cheers, throwing flowers, stuffed toys, anything they had in their pockets.

You broke into a smile, your plump lips parting and bringing out your dimples. Steve swooned as you waved to the crowd, bending to pick up a rose. Your gaze met his, and he swore he felt fireworks erupt in his chest. You smiled at him before skating off the ice, hugging a man sporting a red lightweight jacket with the USA logo embroidered on the sleeve, his dark hair slicked back. Steve watched as you smiled at him, not missing the way he stared at your ass as you turned away.

Then, suddenly, you were in first place. Your eyes went wide and you jumped up, hugging the man in the red jacket—Steve assumed he was your coach. He heard your squeal above the rest of the cheers.

Even from where he was sitting, your eyes were bright, brighter than your smile. Steve was proud of you, pride swelled in his chest as he watched you speak with a reporter. His eyes stayed glued to you as you shook hands with the reporter, your coach walking you to the locker rooms. He watched you until he couldn't anymore.

A strange desire pulled at his heart as he pulled his Stark Pad out, looking you in F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s database.

--

After watching your performance every other skater seemed dull, incomparable, to you. The judges must have thought so, too. You stayed in first place, winning the competition.

According to F.R.I.D.A.Y, you grew up in Chicago, but you moved to Manhattan for college. You got a new coach, Adrian Tucker, who was a gold and silver medalist back in the nineties. You're a junior at NYU, majoring in Art History. You have an Instagram, some sort of social media Peter had been trying to convince him to get, and Steve created an account immediately just to follow you. You had pictures of yourself, of friends, of the rink, even a pair of ballet shoes.

So you did ballet, good to know.

The award ceremony couldn't come soon enough. The idea of being closer to you sent butterflies fluttering through his stomach. Ever since he had gotten him back, Steve and Bucky have been talking about settling down—creating a life with a girl and starting a family. But they haven't found the right partner, but maybe. . . ?

When he stood in front of you, he swore he almost stopped breathing. You were gorgeous. Your hair had been taken out of the bun, cascading down your shoulders in loose waves. Your makeup was still done the same, but he noticed light freckles dotting along the bridge of your nose. Your eyes sparkled up at him—good God, you barely stood past his chest—your painted lips parted in a smile as you took him in. He placed the gold medal around your neck, congratulating you. You whispered a small, "thank you, Captain," and Steve felt a spark of electricity jolt down his groin.

Your voice was light, melodic, quiet. You were respectful, something he valued in people, in women. He could almost imagine you posed as the perfect housewife. With the perfect husband—or husbands—with the white picket fence, the kids. He could imagine your belly swollen, the little children running around calling you 'mama'. You were young, right at that age where women would start becoming wives and mothers back in his day. The thought only made his cock harder as he watched you on the platform, waving to the audience with the biggest smile on your face.

As he sat back down next to Sam, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He pulled up Bucky's contact and sent him a picture from your Instagram.

'I think I found her,' he typed.

--

Bucky remembered the first time he realized he was in love with Steve—he was sixteen. He had danced around with plenty of girls already but none of them ever really seemed to stick. He had saved up enough money to spend Steve's birthday at Coney Island, that was the day he made Steve ride the Cyclone, back when he was still skinny. He had bought Steve a hotdog, which a pelican attacked him over. Bucky was crying from laughter, face red and stomach aching, when he looked over at Steve. Something just clicked then.

The past couple of months, Steve and Bucky had been making plans to add a third partner into life. After all this time, fighting Nazis and being mind-controlled and saving the universe time and time again, they both agreed they deserved it—that they deserved a family. They had both been selfless for so long, was it so wrong to want someone to be selfless for them? To want someone soft that could share their love?

Steve and Bucky were great together—the love of each other's lives, in fact—but they shared an overwhelming need to dominate, to control. On and off the field. When they fucked they were ruthless, full of scraping nails and biting teeth. Fingertips that left bruises that lasted for days. They needed someone else, someone they could focus that control on, someone who could take them so gently and lovingly, a way they rarely took each other.

Then he got Steve's text. You were young, and it wasn't hard to find out almost everything he needed to know about you. Steve helped him use F.R.I.D.A.Y to figure out where you live—a small apartment that was close to your college campus. You could walk to class if the weather permitted it. It also wasn't too far from the ice rink you trained at. It was easy for Bucky to find a building across from your suite where they could watch you. You liked to keep your window open, let the sunlight in.

They took turns sitting on the roof of the neighboring building, looking through a pair of binoculars. They would watch you for hours—watch you do simple things like reading. That was Bucky's favorite, the way your lips moved ever so slightly as you read the words on the page. You enjoyed reading horror novels—Steven King, Mary Downing Hahn, an author named Chuck Palahnuik. A worn copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula and Mary Shelley's Frankenstein sat on your bookshelf. At first glance, Bucky never would have pegged you as a horror kind of girl, you were too sweet and too timid. As he continued to watch you through the cameras Steve had him install, though, he saw that you very much liked psychological thrillers. You would watch a show on YouTube about true crime and haunted locations, a couple of amateurs who didn't quite know what they were doing. They were funny, though. Steve and Bucky would watch you laugh as you stared at your phone, smiling to yourself.

You trained at a ballet studio in lower Manhattan, worked out at a gym a block away from that. They were quick to memorize your routine once they started. You'd wake up at five-thirty every morning and make yourself some breakfast. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's you hit the gym and the studio; you'd go to whatever classes you had that day, grab a coffee at the campus cafe, then head to the skating rink for two hours. Two and a half hours max. You went home, studied, and then you were left to your own devices. Sometimes you read, sometimes you baked and God, Bucky almost couldn't stop drooling at the thought of tasting your cooking. You'd watch television in your small living room and be in bed no later than eleven o'clock every night to start your day again.

One Monday morning, Steve and had followed you to the gym. They'd been doing that the last few weeks. At first, Steve reasoned it was so they could watch over you, in case you got into some trouble. Some mornings they planned on running into you on the sidewalk, pretending it was an accident—there was a flower cart along your route you liked to stop and admire, sometimes buying a bouquet of daisies for your little bachelor pad—but the timing never seemed right. Steve was never wearing the right shirt, or Bucky's hair was always a mess from the wind.

You took a cab, which Steve followed a couple of cars behind on his motorcycle. The air was brisk, the first signs of spring coming into the city. Some of the trees had started growing their leaves again, vibrant greens against the grey winter sky. He parked his bike underneath a plotted tree that had just started to turn, the tips of the leaves a bright green as blossoms began to bloom, pastel pinks against vibrant greens with petals blowing in the wind. He bought a newspaper from a vendor a couple of stores down and sat on a nearby bench, catching up with the world as he counted down the minutes. You would be in there for an hour and fifteen minutes almost exactly.

Steve almost couldn't sit still. He was itching to get his hands on you, to feel you. He and Bucky have been watching you for a long time now, waiting for the right moment to get their hands on you. Steve was growing impatient.

At forty-five minutes, his eyes began to flick up at the building every few minutes. He knew it wasn't time yet, but there was always a chance you got done early.

At an hour, his gaze hovered just above the paper. Ten more minutes, he told himself.

At an hour and twelve minutes, you emerged. Steve watched as you hugged your coat to your chest and began walking. The studio you danced at was only a block away, so you wouldn't have to be out in the cold for long. Still, Steve couldn't help but chastise you for not wearing something warmer. All you had on were a pair of thin leggings—that hugged your ass beautifully, he might add—and a compression tank top under your lightweight sweater.

Steve rushed to his bike, folding the newspaper in his hand and revving up the engine. He drove down the block, parking in front of a cafe across from the ballet studio. He watched you enter the studio and sat at a table, ordering a cup of coffee. He saw you through the floor-to-ceiling windows, your let stretched up over your head. He reached for his sketchbook and pencil, laying it out on the table before him.

The night of the Olympics, the first time after Steve had seen you, he stayed up all night drawing you. He found a video of your performance on the internet, watching it on repeat as he drew you in different positions. The first sketch he did was of you with your arm over your head, just before you started skating. He found he loved drawing the shape of your lips, so the next sketch was a portrait of your face. Your long lashes were hooded, eyes downcast and your lips parted slightly as the pencil scratched against the paper, your plump lips etched in charcoal. The expression Steve caught you in was oddly ethereal, the kind of innocence that Steve found absolutely breathtaking.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Steve sighed, pulling the device out of his jeans. Cursing, he reread the message Sam sent, looking back up across the street. You were still in front of the window, leg propped up on a bar with your upper body reaching for your foot. He sighed, closing his sketchbook as he stomped toward his bike.

--

Steve and Bucky trudged back into the Compound, exhausted and irritated. Not only have they been unable to see you for a week and a half, forced to watch you through the cameras hidden throughout your apartment, but the mission had been a complete bust. They had been sent away to Northern Peru, where Fury had given them intel about a group of HYDRA smugglers shipping illegal weapons into the country. Unfortunately, Steve and Bucky spent twelve days in a cramped, boiling building across from the target's warehouse and managed to find nothing before Fury called them back.

Steve was sweaty, Bucky hadn't taken a shower in a week, and they missed you. Bucky wanted to touch you, he wanted to kiss you until you were breathless. He watched you on his phone when he could, often opting to watch the camera feed than to sleep.

Once they were in their suite, Steve stripped his uniform off, leaving it in a heap on the floor to pick up later. Right now he just wanted to feel clean. He turned the shower on and peeled his boxers off as Bucky undressed, Steve stepping below the showerhead. The warm water felt nice against his taut muscles, his shoulders relaxing under the water pressure. He watched the dirt and grime from the mission get washed away, down the drain in muddy-grey color.

As he massaged shampoo through his hair, his thoughts wandered back to you, fingers itching to run against your skin. The way your lips always looked so soft, how utterly delicious you would look with them wrapped around his cock. The sweet little noises you would make as he forced himself down your throat—you were so small, it wouldn't take much to make you choke on him.

Steve groaned as his fist wrapped around his length. Almost two weeks without imagining you on your knees, imagining your mouth on him and he was oh so sensitive. He cursed, running his thumb over his slit. He pictured your tongue dragging against his girth, your wrecked expression as you struggled to take him deeper, as Bucky struggled to fit himself in behind you. He fisted himself faster, gasping out your name.

"Yeah, baby," he mumbled to himself. "Just like that. Fuck."

He could only imagine how beautiful you would look when you came. Your skin sweaty, hips bucking, your innocent little eyes rolling to the back of your head as you squealed. Oh, you were definitely a squealer. They would make you cum over and over and—

He bit back a moan as he came, hot white spurts coating his stomach as he slowed his movements, nerves on fire. He sighed, rinsing himself off before he turned the water off. He was still hard, he wasn't sure he'd be able to get himself off.

The tips of his fingers buzzed as he redressed himself and Bucky hopped in the shower. Steve didn't know if it was the stress of the mission or the adrenaline you gave him, but he couldn't wait anymore. He didn't have the patience to wait anymore.

He was watching the camera feeds in your apartment when Bucky came out of the bathroom. All it took was one look from Steve—they already had it all planned out, they just had to put it into motion.

--

You struggled to unlock your door, twisting the key in the lock a few times, cursing as you pushed your shoulder against the door, stumbling as the door swung open. You managed to catch yourself before knocking over your vase of daisies, straightening as you waited for your world to stop spinning.

You knew it had been a bad idea when you agreed to go out tonight. You're such a lightweight and after just three shots and half a glass of wine, you're going to have a killer hangover in the morning. God, and it's three a.m. But Annie had begged you to come with them. You haven't hung out with her in so long, you were desperate to see her again. You just wished she hadn't dragged you out to a bar.

You dropped your handbag on your little dining room table, opening the refrigerator to pour yourself a glass of orange juice. You drank half the glass in a couple of gulps, letting out a sigh as you set the glass down. As you moved to pull your phone out of your purse, you heard the floorboards creak, like someone was taking a step.

You froze, looking down the hall. The boards in your bedroom creak like that when you step down on a certain spot, but you've been in the apartment long enough to learn where it is exactly and step around it.

As quietly as you could, you made your way down the hall, checking the bathroom. You've seen enough horror movies in your life to know never to close the shower curtain when you weren't using it, so with a quick glance you knew the room was empty.

Your bedroom was at the end of the hall, the door cracked open. You walked in, carefully looking around. Your closet door was open, the windows were closed, you turned and looked towards your dresser mirror and—

You saw the figure behind you before you could react. Your eyes went wide, their hand coming up to cover your mouth before you could muster a scream. Your hands flew up to the hand, legs kicking out as the intruder dragged you out of your bedroom. You screamed into the hand, thrashing as you felt a sharp prick in your neck.

"It's alright," they cooed. "Shhh, it's okay, doll. You're just gonna go to sleep for a little while, okay?"

You shook your head frantically, tears streaming down your face as you felt your body getting tired. You blinked furiously, trying to fight the sleepy feeling. Your muscles felt like dead weight, you stopped kicking your feet as your grip on the man's cold hand went slack.

"That's a good girl," he crooned. "Just relax, kitten. I'm not gonna hurt you."

Your tongue felt heavy in your mouth. Your vision blurred, and then everything went black.

[majorxmaggiexboy]

idk if i’m actually going to attempt to participate but i still want to make a little list of Tober/Tember prompts and ideas of what to do with them. also tagging @f-ro-g bc New Pack. Every time i do one of these i start forgetting every media i’ve ever consumed so we’re going to see if i can at least get more than like three different fandoms on here. Might or might not come back through and flesh these out with actual details later on.

Whumptober Ideas

1) All Trussed Up and Nowhere to Go/”You have to let go”/Barbed Wire/Bound - Hadestown, full stop. The whole prompt is Hadestown. It’s in the lyrics, even. It is this post that makes me finally notice the “Keep on walking and don’t look back” line in Wait For Me and i’m so angry right now

2) Talking is Overrated/Garotte/Choking/Gagged - I’m thinking a rewrite of my first Three Musketeers fic just because it was funny the first time around and also wouldn’t take much Effort. Next.

3) Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But.../Taunting/Insults/”Who did this to you?”

The Bradmadge Brawl of S2E1 but with passion and malice next question

4) Trust Fall/”Do you trust me?”/Taken Hostage/Pushed

Nothing springs immediately to mind but i’m leaning toward Psych or The New Pack

5) Red In My Ledger/Betrayal/Misunderstanding/Broken Nose

*slams hand on table* New Pack. Mordaunt. It writes itself.

6) Touch and Go/Bruises/Touch-Starved/Hunger

On-Drakon we’re going to give Arman and Mira some love even if only two people on this website even know them.

7) My Spidey-Sense is Tingling/Helplessness/Numbness/Blindness

TASM just for the sake of it? Undecided

8) Coughing Up a Lung/Pneumothorax/Exotic Illness/”Definitely Just a Cold”

Ben Tallmadge and the Delaware Dive next question

9) Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated/Presumed Dead/Blind Rage/Tears

Bucky it’s your turn babe

10) Oops, I Did It Again/Hospital/Flare-Up/Ice Chips

Ben you’re going back in the Delaware it’ll be so funny

11) Just Keep Swimming/Adrift/Drowning/Dehydration

Personally i think having a third Ben vs. Water fic would be the funniest possible move but Grimaud or Mordaunt could also work here

12) It’ll Be Fun, They Said/Torture/Made to Watch/Begging

Jean-Olivier comes to mind but hmmmmm there was also that one TURN S3 au that could work

13) That’s Gonna  Leave a Mark/This Is Gonna Suck/Burns/Cauterization

Hmmmmmm OH! OH! Raoul! The New Pack. Done.

14) Under Pressure/Crush Injuries/Beaten/Force

It says Force and Force is Star Wars so naturally this is Mando’s number.

15) Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever/Delirium/Fever Dream/Bees

Ben Tallmadge guess what....

16) On a Need-to-Know Basis/Recovery/Scars/Aftermath

I’m thinking the Psych Not-Ghost AU would work here but there are certainly other options.

17) Field-Care 101/”Please don’t move!”/Hemorrhage/Dread

Might go with something Leverage right here just because i just watched Leverage. Nothing’s jumping immediately to mind. Warm Bodies could also work though.

18) The Doctor is In/”Now smile for the camera!”/Doctor’s visit/CPR

I’m thinking Reid just because Dr. and i’ve never been able to write Doctor Who so. What other Doctor characters are there. McStuffins isn’t in the running here. Oh! We could do something MCU, Bruce is a Doctor isn’t he? God can you imagine Dr. Hulk trying to

19) Just a Scratch/Bitten/Bleeding/Stabbing

Didn’t ... d’Artagnan once utter the phrase “it’s just a scratch” in relation to someth.....first episode, i think? Great so we have a winner, good job everybody.

20) Lost & Found/Trunk/Trapped underwater/Solitary Confinement

Weirdly Mando is the first character to come to mind. Someone beat me to 80% of my other idea but there’s potential.

21) That’s Where the Blood’s Supposed to Be/Bleeding Through Bandages/Pressure/Blood-Matted Hair

Let’s be real the only two options for this one are Bucky or Eliot and they’re virtually the same character so where does that leave me

22) They Made Me Do It/Cursed/Demon/Obsession

*vague wave* Merlin ?

23) You Break It, You Buy It/Auction/Ransom/Pursuit

That one 3M au with Athos and the big mix-up and the Oops and all the...stuff, yeah. That works.

24) One Down, Two to Go/Self-Induced Injuries to Escape/Flashback/Revenge

Holy sh- i didn’t see this one initially. I mean? Jean? Ow.

25) Hide & Seek/Escape/Flight/Hiding

Psych? Orrrrr....TGM?

26) You Will Go Down With This Ship/Fallen/Waterfall/Trap Door

I’m trying to think of literally anything i’ve ever read or watched that’s got a ship in it ummmmmmm hey what if we interpret “ship” as yeaaaah let’s do another Mando one that’ll work

27) “I’m Fine, I Prom...”/Passing Out/Vertigo/Collapse

I mean..... .... ... is there a character this doesn’t work for though? Wait. No actually let’s do Childermass since he gets that what is it an allergic reaction to magic? I mean i know Segundus gets like that to so....ha let’s make it be Both of them.

28) It’s Not Just In Your Head/”Good, you’re finally awake”/Nightmares/Panic

First thought is New Pack but it might take some pondering.

29) All Work and No Play/”You’re still not dead?”/Too weak to move/overworked

it’s like Civil War but with Bucky and Jean-Olivier having an all-out brawl good lord it’s an either/or situation.

30) Digging Your Grave/Major Character Death/Left For Dead/Ghosts

*shot of choc milk* the exact TURN AU i was Just thinking about yesterday,,,

31) Hurt & Comfort/Disaster Zone/Trauma/Prisoner

I feel like i need to put Gwynplaine here just because he hasn’t had a turn yet

Alt. Prompts

1) Losing Control

Arman. Very obviously extramuch Arman definitely. Let’s have another one with the involuntary dragon himbo.

2) Threats

*chin hands* trying to think of a character who gets threatened a lot. will circle back. I’m actually thinking Psych again but idk.

3) Caning

Ro we’ve genuinely discussed about 16 different variations on this one i think it’s Time

4) Mercy

MORDAUNT MORDAUNT NEXT QUESTION

5) Forgotten

Is it time for Jack Frost of all people to make an appearance or is this just Bucky again

6) Head Injury

It would be real easy to just put the headbonk au here but i’m going to try to show some restraint and do a different headbonk story

7) Screaming

Going to assign Gwynplaine here just because he really has been neglected in this lineup and also it would probably be good for him to vent a little bit in this manner

8) Comfort

Someone’s going to get petted like a cat and i just haven’t decided whomst but when i do it’s over for everybody

9) Self-Sacrifice

What do i even say to that i Feels like another New Pack but it’s still up for grabs tbh

10) Trapped

Tempted to pour one out and just say Bucky but idk idk we’ll think of something this is very much a first draft stream of thought general idea planning session

11) Near Death Experience

It would be hilarious to just put something like Meet Joe Black for this one but WAIT NO NO GO BACK ACTUALLY WARM BODIES LET’S DO WARM BODIES

12) Regret

It’s gotta either be Psych or TURN

13) Tragedy

My first thought is to do a damn Hannibal fic without ever having actually watched the show just because i’m still angry about how i read it ended but considering that i only know the characters’ voices from tumblr chatposts i feel like that’s not the best venue to

heck we might just do New Pack

14) Battlefield

Either TURN or New Pack or....the song’s a little bit dramatic for a Bucky but actually....unless? no....but Maybe,

15) Anxiety

Every character i’ve ever cared about could potentially fit right here so :/ Arman could have 3rd ficlet but again, literally every character, i,,,,,they’ve all got anxiety X’D

[johndykeon]

i’ve seen people talking about how there’s a difference between leo’s born in july and leo’s born in august... roger & john skdjsbsjsj idk what the difference is but it’s there

oops!! looks like you accidentally stumbled upon one of of my dormant hyperfixations!! 🤠🤠🤠 i’m SO into astrology dude skjfhskfj like is it real? probably not. but is it fun as hell to read about and judge people based on?  yes yes yes yes yes!

anyway this ended up getting super long because i have a lot of thoughts™ about it so i'm putting everything under the cut!! disclaimer: i literally just do this for fun and everything i know about astrology i learned from various websites and an astrology book i found at value village so if anything isn’t right mind your business fskjdfshkfj and ALSO please don’t read too much into this lmao it’s just for funsies 💖

so anyway YES you’re right, there 100% is a difference between john and roger’s type of leo, and it probably has to do with the fact that they fall into different decans of leo!! so essentially each sign is split up into three different “versions” of the sign depending on the positioning of the planets when they were born. the exact dates can vary slightly, but for leo the first decan (the “true leo”) is from july 23rd - august 1st (this is where roger falls), the second decan is august 2nd - august 12th, and the third decan is august 13th - august 22 (which is where john falls).

so roger, being born on july 26th, is a first decan leo. the characteristics of this placement are things like being really extroverted, loud, self-reliant, creative, wanting attention, having a sensitive ego; so very much the traditional leo. meanwhile, john is a third decan leo, which is a placement that’s known more for ambition, honesty, stubbornness, independence, and dynamism. so that could definitely be where some of their differences come from (although i’m not convinced that the qualities of the third decan leo actually fit john all that well, but i suppose none of actually really knew him so we can’t know for sure).

BUT,  it’s also super important to look at the rest of john and roger’s natal charts in addition to just their sun signs, since they were born two years apart and therefore they have a lot of differences in the major planets in their charts.

so roger’s birth time is actually online for some reason, apparently he was born at 10:30 AM on july 26th 1949. so assuming that this time is accurate (even if it isn’t the only things that would change are his ascendant and possibly his moon), here is his chart:

we don’t know what time john was born, so we don’t know his ascendant and we can’t be certain of his moon, but we do know that he was born on august 19th 1951 so based on that here is his chart:

so as you can see, there are some pretty significant differences in their planets. starting with the moon, which represents things like emotion, emotional response, and self image, roger has a leo moon while john (most likely) has a pisces moon. 

leo moons are typically outgoing, like to be the centre of attention, pretty popular, and tend to take on a comic sort of role because they like making people laugh. they have a really strong sense of fairness and justice, and they’re known for being dramatic and prone to sulking and causing a scene when their pride has been hurt. imo the leo moon very clearly fits roger pretty well skjfhsdkjfhs

on the other hand, john is a pisces moon, which is a placement thats know for being really intuitive, perceptive, sometimes dreamy, and compassionate because they feel things really deeply. pisces moons are also imaginative, warm, sentimental and empathetic, and known for having kind of a weird sense of humor; one of the sites i use as a reference for astrology actually described it as “a strong sense of humor that is more of the receptive kind than the type of sense of humor that would make people the ‘life of the party,’” and “it's generally pretty easy to get them giggling” (which imo is pretty spot on according to what we know about john and the stories we’ve heard about him)! pisces moons also have a tendency to get overwhelmed with life easily and then need time away from eveything to escape and recharge (fucking off to bali anyone??)

i'm not gonna really talk about ascendants because we don't know john's and the point of this is comparing his chart with roger’s, BUT i just have to say that roger is a virgo rising, and typically people get on really well and have strong connections with people who's sun sign is the same as their rising sign…… and of course, freddie is a virgo sun 🥺🥺🥺 and literally every time i remember that it just makes me so soft so i had to mention it fksjhfkjshfk

moving on to mercury, roger’s mercury is in leo and john’s is in virgo. mercury is the planet that rules things of the mind like communication, intellect, and memory. so starting with roger, leo mercurys are typically incredibly passionate, good at things like public speaking and performing, and very much draw the spotlight towards themselves, whether intentionally or unintentionally. they're confident, enthusiastic, have a flair for the dramatic, and seem to make new friends effortlessly. people with mercury in virgo on the other hand tend to be much more grounded and analytical. they’re efficient and sharp thinkers, very intelligent, practical, and they like things that challenge their minds and are drawn to people that can keep up with them. john was born with mercury in retrograde though, which can cause people to struggle with self doubt and be prone to anxiety and difficulty expressing themselves.

now on to venus. venus is the planet that rules love, romance, and what we value and take pleasure in in life. roger’s venus is in leo, while john’s is in virgo. leo venuses like roger are known for being warm, genuine, and grand in love. they’re prone to big gesture in their relationships, and they have a deep need to feel desired and wanted by their partners and can get hurt when they don’t feel like their lovers are showing them enough love. they're really loyal, but need a lot of attention from their lovers and have high expectations. on the other hand, people with venus in virgo like john are known for loving and showing love in quieter and more understated ways, unlike leo venuses who are more of the ‘shout it from the rooftops' variety. they show their love through dedication and willingness to work on a relationship, and they work really hard on doing "the little things'' to show their partner that they care, and they need to feel recognized and appreciated by their partners for doing these things. they're very devoted and sensitive in love, really genuine, and can be quite shy. john was born with venus in retrograde though, and people born during venus retrogrades tend to feel things very deeply but struggle with awkwardness and insecurity in expressing those feelings and their love. they take relationships really seriously and they love very deeply, but they can struggle with self-sabotage in their relationships because they usually have a lot of underlying insecurities and fears that they aren't good enough or loveable enough.

finally, mars is the planet that rules things like passion, anger, sex, desire, actions and energy. roger's mars is in cancer, while john’s is in leo. people with a cancer mars like roger can be prone to passive-aggressiveness and become defensive as a means of self protection when they feel threatened, but they're incredibly protective over the people they care about. also, fun fact— i read something that said mars in cancer is known as the sign most attracted to breasts, sooooo i guess roger is a tits guy confirmed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ on the other hand, people with mars in leo like john tend to be high in passion and desire, and usually have well defined goals and ambitions in their lives. they're also known as one of the most sexual positions of the zodiac, and they tend to enjoy sex more than most, but they typically have a strong need for love and romance to be an integral part of sex. they want their partners to be devoted to them, and can be prone to becoming jealous and possessive of their partner but will usually try to hide it.

there are ofc a bunch of other placements in natal charts that we could go into, but these 6 that i’ve mentioned (sun, moon, ascendant, mercury, venus, and mars) are generally considered to be the major players. there are also things like aspects and houses and everything that can be analyzed to gain a better insight into someones chart but honestly i don't really understand them so i'm not gonna go into that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but yeah so as we can see, even though john and roger have a lot of the typical qualities of a leo in common— hard-working, enjoying luxury, proud, bright, determined, noble, loyal— there are a whole bunch of factors that make them really really different despite their similarities!! because you’re totally right anon, roger and john are both leos, and imo you can tell that they’re both leos, but there’s also a certain energy about each of them that sets them apart from one another that’s SO fun to get into and explore!!!!!!!

[kayliemusing]

42: top 3s

1: Top 3 ice cream flavors - classic vanilla, birthday cake/birthday batter, bubblegum

2: Top 3 Disney Movies - Mulan, Onward, Soul (but this changes frequently lol)

3: Top 3 vacation destinations - I've never been outside of my home country so I'll say my top 3 DREAM destinations: NYC, Hawaii, a random countryside in either France or the UK

4: Top 3 places to shop - Dynamite, Sephora, Winners/Homesense

5: Top 3 subjects of study/classes to take - English/anything creative writing related, Interior Decorating/Design, Communications?

6: Top 3 make up products - YSL Touche Eclat Foundation, literally any Mac Lipstick but it has to be matte, & Fenty Beauty contour stick

7: Top 3 music artists - Taylor Swift - Of Monsters and Men - The Lumineers

8: Top 3 spices/herbs - Cinnamon - Nutmeg (literally tastes like autumn) - Paprika

9: Top 3 drinks - Diet Coke - Hot Chocolate - Vanilla Bean Frappe

10: Top 3 apps to use - Instagram - Pinterest -iBooks

11: Top 3 months of the year - May, October, December

12: Top 3 clothing items - My black/white turtle neck, high waisted jeans, plaid blazer

13: Top 3 binge perfect tv shows - Bones, Supernatural, Brooklyn Nine Nine

14: Top 3 romantic dates - (I've never been on a date but if I had, it would be this) Evening walk, late night drive, late night coffee date (tbh anything at night feels romantic)

15: Top 3 kinds of flower - Water lilies, cherry blossoms, roses

16: Top 3 christmas movies - A Christmas Carol (2009), Home Alone, The Polar Express

17: Top 3 OTPs - Nesta and Cassian from ACOTAR series by SJM, Manon and Dorian from Throne of Glass series by SJM, Casteel and Poppy from From Blood and Ash series by JLM.

18: Top 3 quotes to describe your life - "I write not to find, but to leave" by Scherezade Siobhan - "I want to be myself again. I want to be six. I want to stop knowing everything I know" by Catherynne M. Valente - "The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get" by Joanna Hoffman.

19: Top 3 characteristics you love about yourself - my kindness bc it's not surface level kindness, but actually something deeply rooted within me - my resilience even tho sometimes it doesn't feel like resilience - my loyalty bc it is a hard as steel kind of loyalty

20: Top 3 kinds of candy - Maltesers, Kit kats, smarties

21: Top 3 ways to exercise/ be active - Walking, dancing, mowing the lawn/shoveling the sidewalk

22: Top 3 spirit animals - wolf, hummingbird, tiger (i googled it bc i didn't know and i was scared it was a joke but)

23: Top 3 petnames - I like 'lovebug', 'love', 'sweetheart'

24: Top 3 books read outside of school - The Hating Game by Sally Thorne, A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas but viewers discretion is advised, Crush by Richard Siken

25: Top 3 most used websites - Youtube, Tumblr, Pinterest

26: Top 3 people you last texted - my mom, my bestie megan, and my sister bc they're the only people i text...

27: Top 3 hashtags you use - the only time i use hashtags is if i'm trying to promote some of my writing so I'll usually use writingcommunity, writersonig, poetryonig lol

28: Top 3 instagram accounts you follow - Trista Mateer, Griefmother, obviously taylor swift

29: Top 3 guilty pleasures - buzzfeed quizzes, early 2000s music, romance novels

30: Top 3 summer activities - Going to the zoo, long evening walks, campfires and s'mores

31: Top 3 things to draw/doodle - hearts, flowers, random swirls bc it's the only thing i can doodle...

32: Top 3 aesthetics - cityscape aesthetic, autumn aesthetic, rustic aesthetic

33: Top 3 things you'd buy if you gained three million dollars - a new car, a condo, another cat

34: Top 3 ways to treat yourself - facial, a large bag of maltesers, buying the makeup i really want but have been putting off

35: Top 3 celebrity crushes - Evan Peters, Matthew Daddario, henry cavill

36: Top 3 books from your childhood - Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, The Big Friendly Giant by Roald Dahl, and Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmens

37: Top 3 accents to hear - Australian, super poshy british accent, new zealand accent

38: Top 3 scents - Fresh rain, vanilla, sweet cinnamon pumpkin from bath and body works

39: Top 3 "Friends" quotes - "WE WERE ON A BREAK" -Ross, "Guess things were just going too well for me" -also ross, and "it's so exhausting waiting for death" - phoebe

40: Top 3 cupcake flavors - tbh I haven't tried that many cupcakes so your typical vanilla, chocolate, and Pink Lady Cupcake from Babycakes Cupcakery

41: Top 3 fruits - Pomegranates, Strawberries, Raspberries

42: Top 3 places you've had amazing pizza from - Pizzahut, Dominos, Pizza73

43: Top 3 sports teams to watch - i don't

44: Top 3 crayola colors - uh, i guess red, purple, and pink??

45: Top 3 things you hope to accomplish in college - Certificates/Degrees in Copyediting and Creative Writing, and I think simply just deeper critical thinking skills when it comes to writing and books

46: Top 3 fanfictions you've read - I read more books than fanfics, I've read a couple on tumblr but don't remember the names sorry :/

47: Top 3 people you miss right now - my dad, my best friend bc she's in vancouver, taylor swift bc she's not on tumblr anymore rip

48: Top 3 fears - Failure, Loss, not achieving anything in life/not reaching my full potential

49: Top 3 favorite literary devices - Foreshadowing is always god tier, cliffhangers although evil i love those too, symbolism

50: Top 3 pet peeves - People dragging their shoes on the floor when they walk, when you tell someone your fav hobby/music artist/interest and they immediately go 'oh I hate X!', and people who go 'you're so quiet!!!' but in a way that draws in more attention and/or makes me feel more uncomfortable like i would literally rather die

51: Top 3 physical things you find attractive - Hands, nice hair, defined jawlines

52: Top 3 bad habits - Nailbiting, picking at my blemishes oops, lip biting

53: Top 3 pets you've had/wish to have - Cats bc they complete me, I've always wanted a Samoyed, and I've always wanted a turtle

54: Top 3 types of foreign food - Chicken Chow Mein, deep fried shrimp, japanese chicken wings

55: Top 3 things you want to say to someone in your lifetime - 'I quit', 'I love you', 'you changed my life'

56: Top 3 dog breeds - Samoyed, german shepherds, collies

57: Top 3 cheesy romance movies - You've Got Mail, How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You

58: Top 3 languages you speak/wish to speak - French, Sign, and maybe Japanese?

59: Top 3 series (book, movie, television) - The Cruel Prince series by Holly Black, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas (but literally only for Cassian and Nesta), From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L Armentrout

60: Top 3 pizza toppings - Mushrooms, alfredo sauce, pineapple

61: Top 3 youtubers you're subscribed to - Game Grumps, Charlotte Dobre, Megan Batoon

62: Top 3 tattoo / piercing ideas - I want to get a tattoo on my wrist of the last thing my dad ever wrote me, a hummingbird tattoo right next to it, and then a cross on my index finger

63: Top 3 awards you want to win - National Book Awards, Nobel Prize, and maybe even Goodreads Choice Awards lol

64: Top 3 emojis - Laugh/Crying emoji, the please sir emoji that kinda gives off those puss n boots eyes, and the stars emoji

65: Top 3 cars you dream of owning - 1970s Chev Impala, tbh a cute little Hyundai Venue, and maaaaybe the 1964 ferarri 250 gt luso (idk if that name was totally right but i had to do tons of googling to find it. i don't know a lot about cars and i don't really have a top 3 lol)

66: Top 3 authors - Right now I'm really into Sarah J Maas, Sally Thorne, and Holly Black maybe?

67: Top 3 historical figures - Jesus, Anne Frank, Vincent Van Gogh

68: Top 3 baby names - Ryder, Leila, Gracie

69: Top 3 DIYs - Candles, refurnishing old furniture (i.e. my mom and i painted our wooden garbage can), and really just any type of autumn diy

70: Top 3 smoothie combos/flavors - Strawberry/Banana, Mango, Strawberry-Mango

71: Top 3 songs of this month - Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish, Biblical by Calum Scott, and Visiting Hours by Ed Sheeran

72: Top 3 questions of this post you want to be asked - I did them all bc I made it a survey instead of an ask meme ;)

73: Top 3 villains - Regina/The Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time, Cruella De Vil, and Moriarty from Sherlock

74: Top 3 Cities you want to see - Montreal, NYC, Vancouver (honorable mention: LA)

75: Top 3 recipes you want to try - different kind of salad and/or burger bowls, Stuffed bell peppers, and homemade lemon loaf

76: Top 3 dream jobs - Bestselling author, the person who runs a companies social media accounts, youtuber/blogger

77: Top 3 lucky items - tbh don't have one

78: Top 3 traditions you have - Christmas Eve Service and if I don't go to that at least incorporating reading the christmas story on christmas day or eve, idk if this counts as tradition but going to the corn maze every fall, and whenever it's easter/christmas/thanksgiving we always have a big meal w/ family

79: Top 3 things you miss about being a kid - reckless abandon, dreaming about growing up with hopefulness and no dashed hopes, experiencing holidays like halloween and christmas as a kid

80: Top 3 harry potter characters - I've never read or watched Harry Potter rip (ok well i saw the first and second (and maybe third?) movie in the sixth grade I think) but I think I really liked Hermoine, Harry obviously and Dobby

81: Top 3 lies you were told - i don't have 3, but this one has a story but basically when my sister and i were in elementary school my sister got hit by a car and so the insurance thing was that she would recieve 10k when she was 18 and as a child i thought that was unfair so my dad told me that my sister had to split it with me when we were 18 lmao obviously that didn't happen (i think i realized that wasn't true in middle school)

82: Top 3 pictures in your camera roll right now - Pictures of my cat, one of my sister in a hilarious filter, and a picture of my rocking my TS merch

83: Top 3 turn ons - Kindness, defined jawline, easy going

84: Top 3 turn offs - arrogance, unkempt, super loud and obnoxious

85: Top 3 magazines/news papers/ journals to read - I don't read much of those so I'll tell you some sites I love for writing purpose's: there's Wellstoried, justwriterlythings, springhole.net (which is filled with generators if you're stuck and also tons of infomation and advice)

86: Top 3 things you wish you had known earlier - that toad in Mario Party was wearing a mushroom hat and that it is actually not his head, that immaculate means 'clean' before i misused that word like several times over the years, and that the one turn i always take on my way to work where i thought everyone didn't know how to drive was actually bc i didn't have the right of way rip me

87: Top 3 spongebob episodes - the one episode where spongebob and patrick find a ghost ship, that one episode where they form a bikini bottom band and perform it at a football game in a little fish tank, and the one episode where squidward has his first snowball fight

88: Top 3 places to be in the world - I'd love to be in NYC, Montreal, or Hawaii

89: Top 3 things you'd do differently - I would not have applied for RDC, similarly I should have just paid the 500 dollars to the one certificate program I wanted to do instead of overthinking it, and I wish I wouldn't have ended a friendship the way I did

90: Top 3 TV shows from your childhood - Spongebob Squarepants, That's So Raven, and Hannah Montana

91: Top 3 meals you love - Turkey Burgers, Chilli, and Instant Pot Chicken Tortilla Soup

92: Top 3 kinds of tea - i don't drink tea

93: Top 3 embarrassing moments - one time in sixth grade I tripped and fell right on my face in front of my crush, this other time like a couple years ago i opened the door to my car and only realized much too late while i was staring at this random family that it was not my car, and when i went to the gas station to get gas and couldn't get my gas lid on my car opened and this guy had to help me which was already embarrassing enough but then the gas pump wouldn't work so i had to go inside to pay just to realize i forgot my wallet and had to shamefully walk back to my car and then run back inside the convenience store and then pay and then walk back to my car and finally fill my tank.

94: Top 3 holidays to celebrate - Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving

95: Top 3 things to do in the rain - have an existential crisis, pretend you're in a music video, walk through puddles like you're six again

96: Top 3 things to do in the snow - Sledding, Build a snowman, shovel it even tho you don't want to

97: Top 3 items you can't leave the house w/o - phone, keys, wallet

98: Top 3 movies you'd like to see - Jurassic World 3, Hotel Transylvania: Transformania bc i'm a child, and the animation of the addams family

99: Top 3 art mediums - Writing fiction/poetry, painting, music

100: Top 3 museums you've been to - Royal Tyrell Museum, Canadian History one in edmonton lol, and heritage park in calgary

101: Top 3 school memories - Middle school dances when the popular kids would grind to the song "Low" which was always an interesting experience, in the twelfth grade at winter formal when we all shouted "SHUT UP AND DANCE!" at the same time when they played Shut Up and Dance, and the day i left

102: Top 3 things you don't/Won't miss - School, my sisters ex, 2016 bc she was a rough year yikes

103: Top 3 pick up lines - "My name is Will. God's Will.", "I'd like to take you to the movies but they don't like you bring your own snacks", "are you from tennessee bc you're the only 10 i see"

104: Top 3 sports to watch - none of them

105: Top 3 taylor swift songs - all too well - exile - coney island

[devilatmydoor]

Anna!! Angel!! Congrats on 1K babe 💕 Can I request a lil something for “After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?” with Luke? -blackbutterfliescal💛

Brooke!!! You are the angel omg!  I hope you like this, I got a little carried away, surprise surprise  😅

“After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?” 

___________

3 months, that was less than a semester at school but it felt so much longer. It may not be  the first time he had been on tour for weeks on end but to no surprise on your end -  it felt like the first time all over again.  You kept replaying the morning he left for tour in your head;  how long he held you in his arms,  the way he smelled and how soft his voice was not wanting to let go of you. Neither of you wanted to be separated from each other for 3 months but someone needed to watch Petunia and take care of the house, he trusted you the most so you opted to stay home. It seemed like a fairly easy decision at the time, until the first week without him dragged on for what felt like a month. You couldn’t sleep because he held you at night and talked to you until you fell asleep, you couldn’t eat due to the fact that you both cooked together or ordered take out, listening to music was daunting trying to find songs that didn’t remind you of him or how you felt about him.

He called when he had time, texted you every day when he finished a show and when they arrived in the next city. He sent pictures of his outfits before going on stage when he remembered and asked how your day was and how it went no matter how tired he was.

The last time you spoke to him on the phone was almost 4 days ago, the longest you’ve gone without talking to each other. He couldn’t hide how much he missed you if he tried, his voice soft and endearing. You waited until you knew their show was finished and dialed his number, after 3 rings it picked up and he answered, "Hey baby, I was just about to call you."

The sound of his sweet voice made your heart swell, "Oh yeah? I missed hearing your voice."

"I know, I'm sorry I've been in a weird mood lately" He admitted followed by a sigh. You were starting to put the pieces together why you hadn't spoken to you in a while, he hated calling you and bringing your spirits down. That didn't mean that you preferred not hearing from him, hearing from him even if he was feeling down was much better than not hearing from him at all.

"Luke, you could've called me."

"Baby I didn't think you wanted to hear from me." His voice defeated on the other line made your heart ache. You couldn't physically do anything to help him but send your unwavering support.

"Why wouldn't I want to hear from you?" You asked, hoping he'd realize that you wanted to hear from him no matter what.

"I don't know. Hows petunia?" His voice wasn't as animated as it usually was when he asked about her.

Something was up with him and you had a feeling he wasn't going to tell you, "She's good, sleeps on her giant bed in our room."

"Yeah? I'm surprised she doesn't sleep with you." He mentioned followed by yet another sigh.

You were shocked he didn't make a remark about how he missed sleeping next to you. The both of you always said you slept better next to each other than alone.

"She sleeps with me when I'm on the couch, how was the show tonight?"

You could hear him cough and say something to Ashton before answering, "It was good, the crowd new every lyric including our new songs.”

“That’s great, where are you headed tonight?”

It took a minute to respond, “Pittsburg, I think.”

Luke usually knew where he was headed next, at least he tried to. You couldn’t help but wonder what was going on that he was being so secretive, “Luke I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t need you to worry about me! I can take care of myself!” He said angrily before hanging up on you completely. He never hung up on you on purpose, he always said goodbye and I love you, no matter what.

Something was going on with him and you were determined to figure out what, you weren’t sure how you’d figure out what it was. You couldn’t sleep after your conversation with Luke, the way he abruptly ended the conversation scared you in ways you couldn’t explain.

__

A week had gone by since your last phone call with Luke, he didn’t even text you to let you know where they were. You asked the boys to let you know if he was okay and safe, it wasn’t him but it was enough for the time being. You longed to hear his voice but you knew bothering him wasn’t going to help, it was hard not blowing up his phone but you wanted him to come to you.

Your phone vibrated against the nightstand waking you up abruptly, you grabbed your phone before it fell on the floor. You answered it before fully waking up and realizing who was even calling you, “Hello?”

“Did I wake you darling?” The familiar voice on the other line alarmed you, she usually texted you causing you to wake up.

“Yes but it’s okay Mrs. Hemmings, are you guys okay?” You asked as you sat up on the matress.

“Call me Liz darlin’. It’s not us I’m calling about. It’s Luke.” She sighed and you got up from the bed in anticipation of what she’d say.

“What about Luke?” You asked nervously as your heart rate sped up by the second.

“He misses you, more than he ever has. Last night’s show didn’t go well and he needs you. He’s not listening to any of the boys.” You weren’t sure how to feel about what Liz told you but you knew what you had to do.

“Thank you for calling me, I didn’t think he missed me that much. I’m gonna fly out there as soon as I can.” You sniffled as you tried to hide your emotions.

“Of course, sorry I woke you. Get some rest okay?” She comforted it before you said your goodbyes. You got out of bed and grabbed your laptop and turned it on illuminating the room. You looked at the tour dates and found the next show, searching various websites before finding a ticket tonight at 8pm. You texted the rest of the boys to inform them of your visit and to not let Luke know so he wouldn’t try and stop you.

After waking up fully you packed your bags and prepared yourself for yourself for what was to come. To your surprise the airport wasn't as busy and your flight was okay as far as flights went, the air was stuffy and the snacks were sub par. When you landed you immediately let the boys know so they could tell you where to go, they sent you the address to the venue and you anxiously sat in the backseat of the uber. Your nerves took over as your hands shook and your heart raced, once the uber dropped you off you grabbed your bags and waited for Ashton to meet you.

“Thank god you’re here, he’s been in a mood all day.” Ashton divulged as he walked with you backstage.

“I hope I can help.”

“Michael and Calum are on the bus to give you both some space.” Ashton mentioned as he stopped in front of the door, he slowly opened it and said “Hey Lu, someone’s here to see you.”

“Maybe I don’t want to see them.” You heard Luke say sassily as Ashton stepped out of the doorway so you could enter the room. Luke was laying down on the couch, looking at his phone. You cleared your throat and his eyes met yours. He sat up straight and cleared his throat, “Baby?”

You closed the door behind you as you walked up to him, “Hi baby, your mom called me.”

He sighed deeply before standing up to meet you, “You didn’t have to come.” His voice defeated as he ran his fingers through his curls.

“Do you not want me here?” It took everything in you not to cry at his words, he looked exhausted

He shook his head and grabbed your hand, your fingers intertwined as he led you to the couch, “Of course I do, I just don’t want you seeing me like this.”

“Why wouldn’t I? Luke talk to me.”

You both sat down on the couch and he let go of your hand slowly, “I’ve just been thinking a lot; you deserve better than me. I’m never home long enough for us to spend the quality time together that we need. I’m not good enough for you, you deserve someone who is always there and giving you everything. I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted a break or didn’t love me.”

“After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think I love you?” You sighed before holding his face in your hands, “Baby, I’m so in love with you Luke. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t want anyone else, I want to be with you.”

“I love you so much, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. You deserve the world.”

“You are my world, Luke. You are more than good enough.” You kissed his lips softly as he held your waist.

“I love you.” He whispered on your lips before kissing your lips again, he picked you up bringing you into his lap, “I’m so happy your here, I missed you.”

“I know, I’ll stay as long as you need me.” You wrapped your arms around his neck as he nuzzled his head in your shoulder hugging your waist tight.  

tagging my faves - @sanrioluke @twilightmomentswithyou @blackbutterfliescal @suchalonelysunflower @honeybunchcalum @himbocalum @lukeysdimples