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November 4, 2024
Braeden and I have been talking a lot about the future, we can't make any plans without understanding what we want over the next 3 years. Which means everything has the undertone of engagement and wedding.
We are also trying to set goals with what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Something I have talked about before, he wants me to work with him. Which as scared as I am, I want to try it and do it. I want to help him run a successful business that we can be proud of. I have put my foot down and said I want my own salary. He is supportive of that. He doesn't want me to resent him, and a part of me is scared that I am not doing the right thing and will resent him.
I want to make the best choice, but I don't know what that is. We started talking yesterday about next year. He has been invited to 4 different trips, none including me. He said it isn't fair to me that I don't get to go anywhere with him because of what he's been asked to do, and I agree. I appreciated the acknowledgment.
I think that instead of him trying to figure out a vacation in the next few weeks, I should ask my grandmother. Who knows when I will be able to do that again and I don't want to regret it. I just don't want to leave him out, but also he has so many trips without me, that I should be able to do this for me. I doubt my friends are going to invite me anywhere next year so I am not counting on that.
I just booked a psychic appointment, which can hopefully provide me some guidance.
I have a bank appointment today and I am really anxious for no reason. Maybe its because I don't really understand anything when it comes to investing and banking, but that is what this appointment is for.
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October 28, 2024
It has been difficult to decipher my feelings. Week one was easy because I focused on Braden's party. Week two, I did all the things I needed to catch up on, plus hosted a party and decorated for Halloween. My days go by so fast.
This week I am cat sitting and will have more alone time. It scared me coming into this week. I had a bit of a chat with B on Friday because I was spiraling. I feel like I don't have a purpose and I don't know how else to put it. I just feel like I need to have something else ready to go. I don't know how to relax and not do anything. Both Braeden and his mom have stopped telling me to work for them, which also put me in a spiral. Braden explained that he still wants me to, but I need some me time and I can't work until my payout is done. He agreed to sit down so we could discuss what the next steps are and make a plan. Which is what I need. I also mentioned to him that this is probably a good opportunity to go on vacation. So we are going to sit down and talk about that. If he can't go I will ask my Nonna. I don't really have anyone else to ask. Which also made me sad.
My parents awkwardly asked me if I needed help the other day, financially. I appreciate their concern, but I also don't want them to worry about me. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet.
Maybe I am scared to learn into not having a job because I am scared to enjoy it too much.
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October 16, 2024
I let a week slip by. I have been trying to deal with how I am feeling, and struggling.
They ended up terminating my contract on the phone a day after I wrote. The last week has been receiving, signing, and trying to plan a day to give back their property and collect my own.
I can finally go tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn to do it, when no one else will be there. I am happy to get it over with, but I feel the same anxiety I felt every day having to go there.
I have been feeling all types of anxiety, I am scared they are out to get me. That something I said to someone is going to bite me in the ass. Everyone has been quiet, as I am sure they have been told to.
I went to visit my work friend who is on MAT leave today, it was nice to see her, we baked pies and I got to see the baby and her dog. I know she wanted me to stay longer, but I wanted to come home and relax. I told her we could plan something next week.
I have been at Braeden's for a week now. It's quieter and I have my own space to get stuff done. I have been busy planning his birthday.
It's been hard to keep a secret. I want to tell him stuff but I can't because then he will question it. I accidentally sent his sister the wrong emoji today, which led to her not sending me a grocery list. Fuck I feel so bad...I hate this. I also need to make sure his dad doesn't pay for anything Friday.
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October 9, 2024
Things have blown up.
Work has told me they don't care about me because I won't agree to do something I don't believe is right for the business or myself.
They have been asking me what I want for 2 years. The first time I told them and they refused and put me elsewhere, I did what I was told because it allowed for growth and learning. The second time they asked me what I wanted I was a lot more direct and got part of what I asked for. I wanted a higher title and got a linear one, but they shut me up with some more money. Now they are asking me what I want and it is the same as last time, I want a higher title and to be in a position where I can grow. The position they want to put me in, makes me report to the one person I do not trust, the one person who is a problem for a whole team, the one person everyone else stated they don't think would be a good idea for me to report to. I have been shunned because of the emotional attachment between the decision-maker and the person they want me to report to. I provided valid reasons as to why it wouldn't work, for the company and for myself.
I am being told that I don't have the company in mind. I do, I can only do my best work under the direction of a proper leader. They also gave me two options and then took the one away. My problem is that I have none of this on paper and it's all verbal.
They wanted a letter by EOD yesterday, but I didn't feel like writing it at work. I have one typed up, but if they want to treat me like this, do I want something in return? I don't want to burn bridges even if they have abandoned all respect for me. I have worked way too hard for 2 and a half years, I have mentally put myself through it, I want some compensation, so I can take a few weeks off and recuperate.
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October 6, 2024
My anxiety is at a peak.
We will start with work. Making me report to someone I don't think is beneficial for me to report to is looking more and more like its going to happen, I am not sure when they are going to pull me aside to talk about it again, but I want to be ready to have that conversation.
Here are my points as to why it wouldn't be a good idea
I don't trust her which means the team is still dysfunctional
All information would be funneled through her and I wouldn't know what to believe
she would either work in a sighlough or make me do her work and take credit.
She isn't good at giving direction and I shouldn't have to ask all the time.
She is never around and doesn't know how to communicate when she isn't
No one in the organization respects her; therefore, people would look at me in a different light and I would lose the respect and trust of people with whom I have worked hard to build those relationships.
Braeden and I talked this weekend about what they could offer to make me stay. We discussed how I feel like if I leave I am failing. How am I failing? I have ridden this entire situation out for a long time. It started getting this bad over a year ago, and I stayed, hoping it would get better. It hasn't. The only way it would get better is if the one girl left, we know she isn't going anywhere.
Braeden and I also talked about what it would look like if I worked for him. It's something we have been talking about, but I needed to continue to express that I need his parents on board and that I may need a creative outlet since the job won't look the same.
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We had a busy weekend.
Friday, we had a 30th birthday party. A lot of people and a late night.
Saturday, we had Friendsgiving. We stayed overnight in Shelburn.
Today (Sunday), we went pumpkin picking. There are a few things that aren't sitting right with me.
This morning we had to go pick up a few things from the house of the people that hosted freindsgiving. I texted them when we were on our way, we knocked and rang the doorbell and no one answered. B got the code from one of the other friends and we went in and got what we needed. It felt wrong. B seemed to be confident it was okay so I followed his lead. He got a call from the house owner asking how we got in and that his fiance is spooked that they didn't hear anything. I just feel guilty.
My Nonnas decided she was going to do thanksgiving on Sunday instead of Monday. I got mad and called her asking why even though my mom told me not to. I made her feel bad, and I wanted to. I regret it.
The thought of work is not making any of this better.
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September 30, 2024
Last week was a harder week. A lot of feelings and trying to tell people about how I feel and why. All work related. Took a hit on my relationship too, I was so caught up in it I didn't share how I was feeling or why with Braeden.
We had a really good weekend though. We celebrated our one year anniversary. We rented a BNB for Saturday night, Saturday morning we went to the spa, grabbed lunch, and visited a brewery. We went back to the BNB and enjoyed the hot tub and the other extras that were available before heading to dinner and then getting back to the BNB for a nice bath before bed.
Sunday (yesterday) was also nice, we woke up, got ready, and went to a cute little cafe on our way home. Once we got home I started gardening, Braeden did some work and then he met me outside to tackle the front garden where I want to put the spring flower bulbs. We then went to hockey, came home, ate, and then went to bed.
We also started a conversation yesterday about exes and past hookups and we were both sharing and learning. Both of us getting jealous, but wanting to know more. It really meant something.
I have realized one of my friends only answers me on her schedule, Sunday and Wednesday, it doesn't sit well with me. Still, a little upset Braeden didn't get an invite to her Birthday, but trying to navigate those feelings and what they mean.
I have read an entire 5 bopk series in a month. I never thought I would be that person. I'm almost done with the 5th book and then I don't know what I am going to do with myself.
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September 19, 2024
I am having a lot of feelings right now, with a side of a headache.
I actually got to sit and watch TV tonight, which I have been itching to do. Even though I feel unproductive from doing so.
I had an interesting day at work. The VP of Marketing asked me directly, this time, how I would feel reporting to the one person I said I would never report to. This is her suggestion despite me telling her that I tolerate working with her and struggle to work with her. Today I told her I don't trust her and it would be a disservice to me, to report to her. I wouldn't learn anything, she can't give clear direction and she is not someone I respect or look up to.
The VP told me she disagrees. I need to make time next week to be fully transparent with her and tell her that if my only option in the company is to report to that person, then there isn't a place at the company for me.
I was talking to Braeden on the phone about it and I thought about it. Maybe I am self-sabotaging a little, so it gets so unbearable, that I won't feel bad leaving.
On another note. I finally heard from Alessia about her birthday, in two weeks. I knew she was going to do it that day, the day WE got invited to his friend's birthday 4 months ago. Thankfully hers is at 6 and his is at 8. Braeden wasn't invited. It breaks my heart when I see that his friends treat me one day and mine treat him another. I will say they have been good, until this incident. It's just going to be a lot for me to do both. I feel like an asshole, but I don't even know if it's worth it.
I need to answer her though.
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September 16, 2024
My mornings are no longer spent outside in the garden. It's too dark at this time, too cold.
Now I can have my winter hobbies take over. I need to keep learning how to crochet from last year and finish the blanket I started. I have been reading a lot. More than I have ever in my entire life. I should journal more. I always say that though.
I haven't looked at my goals since Spring with Alessia, maybe I should see if she wants to do Fall and then Winter will be New Year's again.
We have 2.5 months to accomplish what we have set out to do and re-route.
I just started a pros and cons list for work. I want to find a psychic who can help me with my path. I don't know why I am holding onto corporate so much. I told myself after I left the studio that I would never let a job grasp me like that again, and it's been over a year of it just being terrible. I enjoy parts of it though, I enjoy some of the work I actually get to do. I will have to finish it later.
I have spent a lot of time with the kids the last few weeks, which makes me happy.
My parents came to B's last night for dinner. They got a tour of the house and the garden. We got to eat and watch some TV. It was nice. Braeden's brother came out for a bit and socialized.
I am tired of waking up tired and not wanting to do the things I have to do.
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September 5, 2024
Life has been busy, between Braeden and my own schedule we are both overwhelmed.
The biggest of my issues is work. They asked me how I would feel reporting to the one person I said I would refuse to report to. Is it bad that I want them to do that? It would give me the out I need.
I could chalk it all up to say she's not the best leader for me. She has no experience and is reckless with decisions. No one could argue with me on that. It's a respectful way to bow out. It doesn't sound like they are going to give me the leader I need. How do I become that leader for myself?
Braeden is also frustrated with work and I wish I had the time to help him fix it. I also fear overstepping. Me, taking over his mom's job came up this weekend. We were at the cottage, all sitting in the boat. His sister and I were talking about how we want to open our own business and she can help. She said she needs me to take over her job and not be too busy to do it. I mentioned that Braeden and I need to get our affairs in order to do that. Yes the business has kept his family in a good spot for their whole lives, but for Braeden and I to take that one, lose one major employee and have to pay 2 pensions, it would be too much for us. We also want to have income that allows us to go away and take time for ourselves without jeopardizing the business.
I need to have my own source of income that isn't dependent on him. We also both have goals to do more and we need to be able to give ourselves the chance to see those through.
I told Braeden I want to talk to a financial advisor and he said there is also someone he wants to talk to someone about buying properties. We both just need to find the time to do it. I need a plan before I leave.
Everything else is okay. I haven't really put any effort into the snakes and I need to. The quicker I get them out the better it will be for my mental health.
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August 28, 2024
Woke up with the sunrise peeking through the blinds and it was the start to a better day. Braeden and I cuddled up and had a bit of a morning.
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August 18, 2024
Braeden tried having an intimate moment twice with me today, but I keep getting in my head about not being wet enough and scar tissue and how I am just ruining and desensitizing myself. I told him I couldn't get out of my head and he kept calling me weird. It is weird. My hormones are also not in a great spot. He went to a work call, so now I feel like I need to get my shit together by the time he gets back so we can be intimate. Now I am also putting too much pressure on myself.
There are also underlying stresses running through my head like work. I do love him and I want to be intimate right now without the sex.
The job he is at, there are homeless people there and now he isn't answering me and I am a little worried. I also have a loaf of bread in the oven. I can't seem to get bread right, but I can do all the other things.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but Braeden and I are going to the CNE on Wednesday and I am excited for that, plus all his family's birthday plans.
Goodnight.
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April 1, 2024 pt.2....found this on the wrong account
Today was weird. It went by quickly but it felt off.
I told another person at work what I know and I feel like shit about it.
Feel like I can't do anything right at home or at work.
Tried to help my parents book their trip and save money, turns out there were things with the booking that weren't listed like bags and airport transfers. My mom said she doesn't want to take a taxi alone with my dad. We have to call the hotel to arrange the pickup but of course, they aren't answering right now so Cassandra has to do it tomorrow, but my mom is getting mad that we should have just booked it through the flight website which was 400 more. She doesn't want to put in the work to figure anything out. Even though other people are doing it for her.
I am really stressed that my period is over a week late.
I cried over a riceball today. My dad said he was going to save me one. I had some leftovers before I left for my facial (I didn't see the other food). I got home and I noticed the table was set but didn't ask. My mom didn't tell me there was other food. She pulls it out for my sisters BF and he takes the rice ball that is left and I asked if she saved me any and she said no. Then I felt bad that I took it from him, so I tried to talk to her about it and she goes "you should have just gave it to him". Which made me feel worse. Then she started yelling at me for crying. I am aware I am over-emotional, but would it hurt her to support me in any way.
I don't know why I have been thinking a lot about my sister and her best friend who haven't been talking. I feel bad that my sister doesn't have her friend and I want to try and help, but I don't know how. I miss having her around too. She told my sister she needs space, and my sister has given it to her. I know my sister isn't innocent and hadn't been a great friend, but I also know that there was negative influences that made the friend think worse things. I miss her being around too. I have been thinking a lot about covid and how those days looked.
I am thinking a lot about my career and how I see my future. I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and I et scared sometimes that B is going to leave me for some stupid reason, I know he's not like the rest, but there's a piece of my trauma, past that can't help but to be scared. I love his family and spending time with them. I love how they just take me in and make me feel at home.
I don't like that I come home and that I don't feel like I am at home.
Everything is very complicated.
Blaze
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August 13, 2023
This weekend and this week is about resetting.
Being on set last week took a lot out of me, my sleeping schedule is taking a hit. I haven't been able to fall asleep before 12am. I stayed up a little extra late last night to reset and woke up at 6. Today isn't going to be fun, but it's needed.
I had to take photographs of a bunch of items for work yesterday. I used my phone, but have so much background removal to do. It was exhausting and will continue to be exhausting.
Braeden came back from golfing on Sunday and drove to my house just to spend the night with me. It was very sweet and just what I needed to hold me over until I could go there today.
I had a really weird dream the night Braeden was here. Tyler was trying to get back with me and I just kept saying "You're not for me" I don't even think Braeden was a thought in this dream, but I woke up beside him, and besides feeling guilty for even thinking about my ex, I woke up feeling happy about where I was.
I have a comedy show with the girls this weekend, someone we have been following since high school on youtube. One of the girls bailed so they actually asked if Braeden wanted to come. I don't know if it's his humour but I guess we will find out.
Works been work. I really need to set a goal to figure out what I want and where I want to go.
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July 31, 2024
Navigating my emotions lately has been difficult. Sometimes I know why I feel that way, sometimes I don't, but even when I do it always seems silly. I need to start applying things I learned in therapy again. Every emotion I feel is a valid emotion, understanding why I am feeling that way and changing things to improve it it is the right way to go about it.
I've been giving into emotions too much, letting them run everything. There's a time to feel and there's a time to deal.
I need to start making adjustments to my life. One tool I learned after D was to find one thing a day that makes you feel accomplished and less stressed. Last night I was supposed to feed snakes, but instead, I went for a walk and made Braeden's birthday invites. I still need to feed snakes, but at least I did two productive things.
Braeden said something yesterday that reminded me of that tool. Maybe I need to make a cheat sheet with things I have learned to cope with my emotions so I can reference it when I am too in the moment and can't see out of it.
I also need to figure out work. The guy who hired me, who as pretty much been MIA the last few months asked me to go for lunch next week. I am in a hard place, because I don't really want to go, and I think he was just saying that and it won't happen. I do need that lunch to happen though. I need to understand where he sees me and what he expects. I also want to tell him my options about working with Braeden and I want to pick his brain on running multiple businesses.
Truth is, I am bored at my job, I am not proud of the things I am doing and I have stopped caring. A big part of that is his fault, but it is also my team leads' fault for being a bad manager. I don't see a future with this company, but I am still holding onto being an art director. I just can't get there if I am not learning.
Tired of it. Braeden also told me I felt a lot better when I didn't hate my job. That really struck a cord. In Italy, I felt better too, besides a couple of instances.
I am extremely tired of feeling sick and tired all the time.
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July 27, 2024
I have found romance books to be easy to read, and I found a few that didn't take me long to go through. They make me feel so many things. The last one I read had me laughing and crying. Every page made me think about Braeden and how much I love him.
I had an awful week last week. I was so emotional and sad and needy. I had convinced myself I was depressed. In reality, it's the situation I am in. I want to love my job, but I don't, I could, but I don't know if its worth waiting it out. I feel like I get bored of everything after 2 years and am scared I won't be able to stick to anything I do.
I am having a difficult time believing in myself. I don't know what I want and what to do about it.
I went to my Nonna's today. I figured it was a good day to go make pesto for my mom. I could have done it on my own, but I wanted an excuse to go there and spend time with them.
I have been doing physio now for 3 weeks, going on 4. My benefits have run out but I want to stay loyal to the people I got paired up with. They know me and whats going on. I don't want to miss a beat.
I feel like I am gaining weight again. I am struggling to control my food intake. Canceled my Toronto gym membership. I need to get into walking like I was doing before Italy and in Italy. I felt so good in Italy.
My period has been on time 2 months in a row. I just need to figure out the pms. We are getting there though. I just need to keep it up.
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July 26, 2024
I am going through something mentally, it could be pms, but it has been bad. Woke up with a headache today too.
I really don't know what to do about work. I don't want to give up on the corporate dream, but I also know I can't stay where I am. I struggle with change and the idea of not knowing what is next is scary. I also notice a pattern with myself and getting bored at places and wanting to leave within 2 years.
I need to be learning and I need to be excited.
I tried to have a chat with Braeden last night about how I am feeling and how we can make time for thing we need. I need attention, he needs alone time. How man we both acknowledge we both need these things and give the other person what they need? Communication is a large part of it. Him saying "I need a me night, but tomorrow we can have an us night", or a "Ill help you with dinner, but I need 20 minutes alone later" finding a balance and compromise.
Let's see what we can do.
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July 16, 2024
I am feeling really guilty for not messaging my Nonna on her birthday. I want to find a way to make it up to her. I also told everyone I wanted to plan the permanent jewelry day. I should get on that and not forget again.
I had a weird dream last night. I met these girls who knew G and somehow we ended up at his place and I was the only one who knew how to get in without calling him. Which isn't real life. Then he saw me and gave me a huge hug and like held me for a bit. That isn't something I want, so why am I dreaming it? What does it mean? It's bothering me this morning. I don't want him to be a thought in my head. I hate dreaming sometimes, let me sleep peacefully so I can feel refreshed and focus on the day, not my thoughts from left field.
I am home for a few days, I have a lot to do, so hopefully I can get it done. Wednesday I will go to B's and then I think the rest of the weekend we are here for my sisters weekend long birthday activities.
I made a bit of a statement at work yesterday and we will see how it plays out, but I am thinking it is going to get dramatic.
Trying to get rid of snakes, but its really slow, I need to figure out how to go about this and really push it.
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