perksofbeingamaineiac

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

February 27, 2025

Currently frustrated and sort of angry. I know some things are out of peoples control. I ordered seeds from a reputable vendor in the states and shipping is expensive. The seeds I ordered needed to be planted at the beginning of the month. When I didn't receive my order after a month I emailed them and they let me know that the package had been returned. If I didn't ask, I wouldn't have known. I was told it would be shipped out this week and now it hasn't. I emialed the customer service rep who said it would be shipped out this week and told him I was getting frustrated. He hit me with the facts that 250 orders had been returned and they only have 10 people working in the shipping department. I am sorry that your company fails to employ enough people to keep up with the demand. I am sorry postal sucks. But as a company there has to be something to help customers feel like they are in good hands. I now feel like I have to micro manage. The seeds I ordered also are coated which means they won't be good next year. They have nice flowers, but it was so expensive and I don't know if it was worth it.

Besides that, I am fine. Tired. Gym yesterday, grocery shopping. Figuring out cottage stuff.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

February 17, 2025

Valentine's went well. Friday I got to see my grandparents and got home to flowers. I made Braeden open his gift too, he was surprised and excited. It will be good for him to bring with him on his golf trips and everything else we have planned for this summer.

Today we are going to take his sister's pregnancy photos. I have a very small sliver of excitement, but mostly nerves. She wants to take them outside and with all the snow I can't shoot tethered to capture one which what I rely on. So we will see. I want to prove myself and be able to deliver something she will enjoy.

_

On another note, I needed a break from the series I was reading, the love story was falling flat and it's what I live for. A new book came out last month and it's supposed to be high spice and I heard many good things about it. It touches on light BDSM. I thought it would be perfect to get my fill of filth before diving into the next 2 books of that series I was reading.

This book is making my brain remember and reminisce. It's reminding me of how I felt when I explored with G. Not what I felt for him, but how finally felt like someone understood my needs. I didn't have to coach or ask for what I wanted, he just delivered. Am I trying not to remember all the bad that came with it? Yes. This is why I am here, processing it all. You and I.

I guess I feel a little guilty thinking about that time in my life. Braeden has done a lot to learn and experiment and I don't need the power exchange all the time, but I do crave it from time to time. I also want him to deep dive into it more and keep learning. Is that too much to ask for? Is it unfair of me? I don't know.

To be fair the characters in the book are about the same age I was. Exploring and discovering this thing you have always liked, but were never sure how it would feel in real life is an insane feeling and you only really ever get that once. The confirmation you were right, and wrong because there are so many layers.

I remember standing on the street in the rain the first night I met G, it was after dinner and we both agreed we got along. I just had the thought, "Am I actually going to do this?" and then we went up to his condo. A year of my life I spent in that relationship, I feel like I often forget how long it was and how much I learned, how much I felt, and how much change it drove in me. I grew up a lot, I didn't realize, but looking back I see how childish I was and how I let myself get hurt. I needed to go through that to get to where I am today.

I am having some flashbacks to things that made me feel good. He isn't in those fantasies though. I see myself there and I can remember how I felt and yes someone has to be doing it to me, but it doesn't have much to do with G. It has to do with me and my discovery. Things I forgot I liked/wanted. Things I should tell B to try.

Just to be clear, I am not mad or disappointed that I need to coach him, his excitement towards it all and his want to learn makes me happy. Part of a power dynamic is a bit of mind reading and I just miss that aspect. It doesn't mean he won't get there.

Maybe there is still a bit of shame in me for liking the things I like. One of the memories is being bent over the couch and being spanked but also my ass being punched? it sounds weird and explaining it was weird but the pain was enjoyable and it left a different kind of bruise. Oh how I used to love being covered in those, feeling them when I sat down. I don't know if I want that from B. It's okay for us to try it and see.

I shouldn't be ashamed. The lines are always weird with this kind of thing. I could have people dirty talk with me on the phone, but no one in person.

Could wear a collar for one and then had to throw it out and now its something I don't want to touch.

Growing and discovering, that's what it comes down to.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

February 14, 2025

This year is off to a horrible stat with journaling. I have been doing a lot of reading before bed, which takes up most of the time I would do this.

I scrapped the edible arrangement idea because 1 it's a lot of work and 2 a lens B has been wanting was available so I bought it. I am so excited to give it to him, but I want to write him a little card. I just haven't had time or just didn't have the enthusiasm to do it. I was hoping while I was cat sitting and he wasn't around would be the best time, but nothing was coming to me. Now here I am in the home stretch hoping to figure it out.

Roses are Red Violets are Blue Happy Valentine's Day Stinky I love you That was what I came up with when I took the laundry out of the dryer this morning. Not good, not good at all.

So I came here to try and write something because this is always the place where I end up pouring my heart out one way or another. I have a lot of stuff to do today so I want to get moving.

Stinky, Happy Valentine's Day. It's only our second but it feels like our 5th. Thank you for being my rock over the last several months. A lot has changed and as they continue to change, having you by my side makes it a lot easier. You have given me a new home and not just a place to live. You are my home. Wherever you are I want to be (not just because I'm clingy.)

I want to spoil you the way you spoil me. Enjoy the new perspective.

Love, Catherine

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

January 29, 2025

Alessia came over last week to do goals. We had dinner and exchanged Christmas gifts as well. I always feel weird after I see her. She made a comment about how her and I don't talk as much as Christina and I and how me and Christina have plants in common and her I and I don't really have anything so if we talked all the time our conversations would get old. I agree to a certain point, but also we would know more about one another's day-to-day and be able to ask questions and learn more. I also don't think that is an excuse to answer someone twice a week. Makes it hard to have a conversation at all.

I told her about Braeden and I's plan. Get engaged this year and next year get married and have kids a few years later. She said she would be at the wedding and hopes she would be invited. It hurt me. Here I am considering her as a maid of honor. I understand she's currently prepping for a wedding and it's expensive and she tells me how she's struggling. I rather ask her and let her know I want her beside me rather than not asking at all. She can decline or input what she can. I don't expect her to pay 500$ for a dress for me. I want cheaper and more efficient. It just makes me second guess how close we are and if I am asking because I feel like I have to or is she a pillar in my life. I have an argument for both.

Christina is a little different. I do feel like I go through waves with both of them, but I can spend time with Christina and I don't feel like I question everything after. Maybe it's because our conversations aren't always so deep. It's also because we do have more things in common.

It's just been a lot to process and maybe I am looking into it too much. I guess I will have France to see how things go. I had the thought when I realized it was actually going to happen that I don't really want to go to France and spend the money. I am already struggling to save for Braeden and I now had a probably $3000+ trip. Hopefully, we can keep costs down but still do the things we will enjoy. We have a group meeting on Friday to discuss.

_

On a different note, Valentine's Day is coming up. After not doing gifts for Christmas, I do want to do something small for B for Valentine's. We are going out for dinner the day after to celebrate. I was thinking what is something not expensive that he would enjoy. I thought edible arrangements would be good, but I can make them myself, and add some candy to it. Fruit is expensive though so I need to know what I want to do and keep it reasonable. He can only eat so much of it before it goes bad. I want to add a love note to it or something sentimental. For some reason thinking of writing a love note gives me anxiety. It scares me. The first thing I think about was how I did all that work for Daniel and then never even gave it to him. All those notes I left Tyler and how they ended up meaning nothing. Does a love note actually mean anything? How do I feel? Can I write something that won't take away from vowes? Who knew this would be a can of worms I would have to get over.

I know he will appreciate it. Is there something he would appreciate more? He has left me short and cute little notes before. Not, recently, but that's okay too.

I am starting to feel like we need a date night. Sure we spend time together all the time, we even went out to eat the other day, but none if it feels like its us. It feels routine and necessary, not fun and exploratory or doing anything to bring us closer. It isn't quality time. We have both been sick and he is always working, so it's not for lack of trying. Maybe I will suggest a date night for Friday, we can go skating, and have some hot chocolate. I can have dinner ready and we can go after. I just went down a date night hole. We will figure something out.

I need to figure out this note situation.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

January 18, 2025

Half the month is gone, just like that.

Braeden and I made some goals and I have another goal night with Alessia on Monday. All my goals seem to revolve around saving money to do things within the next two years.

I made a list of big ticket items we need to spend money on this year. Some of it is Braeden going on trips with his friends, a lot of it is weddings. 7 weddings to be exact. Braeden is in one of the parties too.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to do the big wedding. I just want to do a little ceremony with family and then spend 1/8 of the money we would on a wedding on a Honeymoon. I know Braeden's friends are important to him though and I mean I have always fantasized about the location and a dress. Every time I message a venue for prices I get a "congrats on your engagement", which feels wrong that I am asking. I just want to be prepared and plan ahead.

Back to the big ticket items. One of the items I mentioned to Braeden that I didn't add was a dog. I don't know if I got excited and just assumed we would get a dog this year, but I have also mentioned spring to him to get one and he never said anything. It just seems like more of a maybe now. With how much money we need to spend I get it. It doesn't make me want one less. I have waited my whole life for a dog and I just don't want to wait anymore. I got the "we need to move in together first" when I first started asking. I get excited about things and do so much research and then get more excited. He said we shouldn't get a dog because were too busy. Which we are busy, but we are less busy than we have been. Also life isn't going to get less busy.

I think part of these conversations about time and money gets to me because we agreed on Africa for our honeymoon, but I don't think Braeden realizes that a Wedding + Africa is going to be a lot... he also said he wanted to do a vacation together this year and now money is a concern. I feel like he gets excited and wants to do things, but he can let them go. Where I get excited and get fully into it and then it has to happen or I get really disappointed.

I started crying last night with the whole dog convo. He thought it was about the dog and I guess part of it was, but there's so much more to it.

I don't know why I feel like I need to rush everything. There has always been a part of me that worries something bad is going to happen and that we should do things quickly now, and enjoy them later if nothing bad happens. A part of me feels like I will never have a dog or children and it's scary. Maybe this is a therapy-worthy fear. Which I also don't have money for.

The 10 000 dollar pay cut is really hurting me. I can't have any money. Where I was saving 500-600 dollars a month I now am just trying to keep enough money in my checking account I don't get charged and lose 10$ a month, and can't even do that.

I think I am going to stop paying for my website this year and my photography apps. They cost too much and I don't do enough work to make it count.

Maybe I should look into something like dog walking for extra work. I will talk to Braeden about it. It's something I can do daily and if someone approaches me with boarding I can talk to him. But might me a good way to bring in extra cash and put down the needing a dog craving. I just want to find a way to make extra money to pay for stuff and have savings. Maybe in the summer, I can find local shops. I just don't want to talk to people to figure out the logistics of it. I need ideas and support. I also don't want to make hobbies into a business and hate it, so there needs to be a balance. I can supply flowers twice a week, but there's no guarantee on how much I can provide so there is no expectation besides showing up with a delivery.

I have some thinking to do. I also need to finish selling these snakes.

I am still not opposed to trying to sell feet pics either, although I know Braeden doesn't necessarily love that idea. I also know it's a hard market.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

January 1, 2025

Well, I didn't mean to disappear for almost 2 months.

I guess that goal number one will be to get back into journaling. I think living with Braeden has allowed me to constantly talk about my feelings and whats on my mind that I have distanced myself from journaling, but I know I need to check in with me.

My laptop is constantly dying when I pick it up to use it. It's old.

I ended up going on vacation with my Nonna. It was good, I am happy I did it although it was sometimes frustrating. I felt like I was baby sitting. I needed some me time and struggled to get it. It also made me realize how much I want to go on a vacation with just Braeden. We have our whole lives to do that though, and doing something with her was important to both of us.

I have pretty much been living with Braeden since I stopped working. I have gone home for maybe a handful of nights since October. We have the cabinet here and I have started moving over clothes and figuring out how I want it organized. When I am home though I get reminded about how my sister is trying to take over my room and I just want a place to go if I need it and no one understands that. Cassandra keeps pushing me.

I have my frustrations with living with B too. His brother has kind of been the highlight of all my frustrations lately. Braeden and I had a conversation and I get that he wants to support his brother, but he can't be doing it for the rest of his life. I am very arms length with helping my siblings, so it's different.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

November 11, 2024

I need to ask myself different questions to determine what I want.

Going back to my self-improvement era, the question to ask it "What can I do today that will make me feel accomplished?"

I need to start asking myself that every day, and focus on doing at least one. I need to get over the anxieties that hold me back. For example, getting back into the gym.

Here I am struggling to find a purpose when the one thing that always helps me isn't at my fingertips because I am too anxious to go buy a membership.

I wanted to go on vacation, but I can't find a decent price. I also don't want to go without B, which isn't good either. Maybe I need to try and be more independent.

Read a self-help book.

Start listening to podcasts again.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

November 8, 2024

This week is going alright, although I keep feeling like there is something more I am supposed to do.

I dropped by my grandparents on Tuesday and asked my Nonna about vacation. Sounded excited and then shut down on me. I just assumed that she didn't want to leave my grandfather, as he said no to going.

Yesterday, my Nonna called me and told me my aunt booked her a dentist appointment. I end up calling my aunt to find out when and what time the appointment is and then ask her if my grandmother said anything about vacation. She said that my grandmother told her she doesn't want to go if Braeden goes. Which is fair. If I am being honest with myself, I want them both there. Now I am trying to find a place to go and the options aren't looking great, at least not in the price range I was thinking. I need to figure it out

I was talking to Christina the other day and I was telling her how I feel bad for things I know I shouldn't feel bad for. She called it Catholic guilt, which is something I have never heard before. I have been reading up on it and it turns out it's a very real thing. From birth basically, we are taught that anything we think, do or say, that isn't necessarily good is a sin. This means you constantly question your feelings and intentions. It reminds me of what I was taught in therapy to counter this. Always validate your feelings. It's okay to feel the way you do, you feel that way for a reason. How you act upon it is different.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

November 4, 2024

Braeden and I have been talking a lot about the future, we can't make any plans without understanding what we want over the next 3 years. Which means everything has the undertone of engagement and wedding.

We are also trying to set goals with what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Something I have talked about before, he wants me to work with him. Which as scared as I am, I want to try it and do it. I want to help him run a successful business that we can be proud of. I have put my foot down and said I want my own salary. He is supportive of that. He doesn't want me to resent him, and a part of me is scared that I am not doing the right thing and will resent him.

I want to make the best choice, but I don't know what that is. We started talking yesterday about next year. He has been invited to 4 different trips, none including me. He said it isn't fair to me that I don't get to go anywhere with him because of what he's been asked to do, and I agree. I appreciated the acknowledgment.

I think that instead of him trying to figure out a vacation in the next few weeks, I should ask my grandmother. Who knows when I will be able to do that again and I don't want to regret it. I just don't want to leave him out, but also he has so many trips without me, that I should be able to do this for me. I doubt my friends are going to invite me anywhere next year so I am not counting on that.

I just booked a psychic appointment, which can hopefully provide me some guidance.

I have a bank appointment today and I am really anxious for no reason. Maybe its because I don't really understand anything when it comes to investing and banking, but that is what this appointment is for.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

October 28, 2024

It has been difficult to decipher my feelings. Week one was easy because I focused on Braden's party. Week two, I did all the things I needed to catch up on, plus hosted a party and decorated for Halloween. My days go by so fast.

This week I am cat sitting and will have more alone time. It scared me coming into this week. I had a bit of a chat with B on Friday because I was spiraling. I feel like I don't have a purpose and I don't know how else to put it. I just feel like I need to have something else ready to go. I don't know how to relax and not do anything. Both Braeden and his mom have stopped telling me to work for them, which also put me in a spiral. Braden explained that he still wants me to, but I need some me time and I can't work until my payout is done. He agreed to sit down so we could discuss what the next steps are and make a plan. Which is what I need. I also mentioned to him that this is probably a good opportunity to go on vacation. So we are going to sit down and talk about that. If he can't go I will ask my Nonna. I don't really have anyone else to ask. Which also made me sad.

My parents awkwardly asked me if I needed help the other day, financially. I appreciate their concern, but I also don't want them to worry about me. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet.

Maybe I am scared to learn into not having a job because I am scared to enjoy it too much.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

October 16, 2024

I let a week slip by. I have been trying to deal with how I am feeling, and struggling.

They ended up terminating my contract on the phone a day after I wrote. The last week has been receiving, signing, and trying to plan a day to give back their property and collect my own.

I can finally go tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn to do it, when no one else will be there. I am happy to get it over with, but I feel the same anxiety I felt every day having to go there.

I have been feeling all types of anxiety, I am scared they are out to get me. That something I said to someone is going to bite me in the ass. Everyone has been quiet, as I am sure they have been told to.

I went to visit my work friend who is on MAT leave today, it was nice to see her, we baked pies and I got to see the baby and her dog. I know she wanted me to stay longer, but I wanted to come home and relax. I told her we could plan something next week.

I have been at Braeden's for a week now. It's quieter and I have my own space to get stuff done. I have been busy planning his birthday.

It's been hard to keep a secret. I want to tell him stuff but I can't because then he will question it. I accidentally sent his sister the wrong emoji today, which led to her not sending me a grocery list. Fuck I feel so bad...I hate this. I also need to make sure his dad doesn't pay for anything Friday.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

October 9, 2024

Things have blown up.

Work has told me they don't care about me because I won't agree to do something I don't believe is right for the business or myself.

They have been asking me what I want for 2 years. The first time I told them and they refused and put me elsewhere, I did what I was told because it allowed for growth and learning. The second time they asked me what I wanted I was a lot more direct and got part of what I asked for. I wanted a higher title and got a linear one, but they shut me up with some more money. Now they are asking me what I want and it is the same as last time, I want a higher title and to be in a position where I can grow. The position they want to put me in, makes me report to the one person I do not trust, the one person who is a problem for a whole team, the one person everyone else stated they don't think would be a good idea for me to report to. I have been shunned because of the emotional attachment between the decision-maker and the person they want me to report to. I provided valid reasons as to why it wouldn't work, for the company and for myself.

I am being told that I don't have the company in mind. I do, I can only do my best work under the direction of a proper leader. They also gave me two options and then took the one away. My problem is that I have none of this on paper and it's all verbal.

They wanted a letter by EOD yesterday, but I didn't feel like writing it at work. I have one typed up, but if they want to treat me like this, do I want something in return? I don't want to burn bridges even if they have abandoned all respect for me. I have worked way too hard for 2 and a half years, I have mentally put myself through it, I want some compensation, so I can take a few weeks off and recuperate.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

October 6, 2024

My anxiety is at a peak.

We will start with work. Making me report to someone I don't think is beneficial for me to report to is looking more and more like its going to happen, I am not sure when they are going to pull me aside to talk about it again, but I want to be ready to have that conversation.

Here are my points as to why it wouldn't be a good idea

I don't trust her which means the team is still dysfunctional

All information would be funneled through her and I wouldn't know what to believe

she would either work in a sighlough or make me do her work and take credit.

She isn't good at giving direction and I shouldn't have to ask all the time.

She is never around and doesn't know how to communicate when she isn't

No one in the organization respects her; therefore, people would look at me in a different light and I would lose the respect and trust of people with whom I have worked hard to build those relationships.

Braeden and I talked this weekend about what they could offer to make me stay. We discussed how I feel like if I leave I am failing. How am I failing? I have ridden this entire situation out for a long time. It started getting this bad over a year ago, and I stayed, hoping it would get better. It hasn't. The only way it would get better is if the one girl left, we know she isn't going anywhere.

Braeden and I also talked about what it would look like if I worked for him. It's something we have been talking about, but I needed to continue to express that I need his parents on board and that I may need a creative outlet since the job won't look the same.

-

We had a busy weekend.

Friday, we had a 30th birthday party. A lot of people and a late night.

Saturday, we had Friendsgiving. We stayed overnight in Shelburn.

Today (Sunday), we went pumpkin picking. There are a few things that aren't sitting right with me.

This morning we had to go pick up a few things from the house of the people that hosted freindsgiving. I texted them when we were on our way, we knocked and rang the doorbell and no one answered. B got the code from one of the other friends and we went in and got what we needed. It felt wrong. B seemed to be confident it was okay so I followed his lead. He got a call from the house owner asking how we got in and that his fiance is spooked that they didn't hear anything. I just feel guilty.

My Nonnas decided she was going to do thanksgiving on Sunday instead of Monday. I got mad and called her asking why even though my mom told me not to. I made her feel bad, and I wanted to. I regret it.

The thought of work is not making any of this better.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

September 30, 2024

Last week was a harder week. A lot of feelings and trying to tell people about how I feel and why. All work related. Took a hit on my relationship too, I was so caught up in it I didn't share how I was feeling or why with Braeden.

We had a really good weekend though. We celebrated our one year anniversary. We rented a BNB for Saturday night, Saturday morning we went to the spa, grabbed lunch, and visited a brewery. We went back to the BNB and enjoyed the hot tub and the other extras that were available before heading to dinner and then getting back to the BNB for a nice bath before bed.

Sunday (yesterday) was also nice, we woke up, got ready, and went to a cute little cafe on our way home. Once we got home I started gardening, Braeden did some work and then he met me outside to tackle the front garden where I want to put the spring flower bulbs. We then went to hockey, came home, ate, and then went to bed.

We also started a conversation yesterday about exes and past hookups and we were both sharing and learning. Both of us getting jealous, but wanting to know more. It really meant something.

I have realized one of my friends only answers me on her schedule, Sunday and Wednesday, it doesn't sit well with me. Still, a little upset Braeden didn't get an invite to her Birthday, but trying to navigate those feelings and what they mean.

I have read an entire 5 bopk series in a month. I never thought I would be that person. I'm almost done with the 5th book and then I don't know what I am going to do with myself.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

September 19, 2024

I am having a lot of feelings right now, with a side of a headache.

I actually got to sit and watch TV tonight, which I have been itching to do. Even though I feel unproductive from doing so.

I had an interesting day at work. The VP of Marketing asked me directly, this time, how I would feel reporting to the one person I said I would never report to. This is her suggestion despite me telling her that I tolerate working with her and struggle to work with her. Today I told her I don't trust her and it would be a disservice to me, to report to her. I wouldn't learn anything, she can't give clear direction and she is not someone I respect or look up to.

The VP told me she disagrees. I need to make time next week to be fully transparent with her and tell her that if my only option in the company is to report to that person, then there isn't a place at the company for me.

I was talking to Braeden on the phone about it and I thought about it. Maybe I am self-sabotaging a little, so it gets so unbearable, that I won't feel bad leaving.

On another note. I finally heard from Alessia about her birthday, in two weeks. I knew she was going to do it that day, the day WE got invited to his friend's birthday 4 months ago. Thankfully hers is at 6 and his is at 8. Braeden wasn't invited. It breaks my heart when I see that his friends treat me one day and mine treat him another. I will say they have been good, until this incident. It's just going to be a lot for me to do both. I feel like an asshole, but I don't even know if it's worth it.

I need to answer her though.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

September 16, 2024

My mornings are no longer spent outside in the garden. It's too dark at this time, too cold.

Now I can have my winter hobbies take over. I need to keep learning how to crochet from last year and finish the blanket I started. I have been reading a lot. More than I have ever in my entire life. I should journal more. I always say that though.

I haven't looked at my goals since Spring with Alessia, maybe I should see if she wants to do Fall and then Winter will be New Year's again.

We have 2.5 months to accomplish what we have set out to do and re-route.

I just started a pros and cons list for work. I want to find a psychic who can help me with my path. I don't know why I am holding onto corporate so much. I told myself after I left the studio that I would never let a job grasp me like that again, and it's been over a year of it just being terrible. I enjoy parts of it though, I enjoy some of the work I actually get to do. I will have to finish it later.

I have spent a lot of time with the kids the last few weeks, which makes me happy.

My parents came to B's last night for dinner. They got a tour of the house and the garden. We got to eat and watch some TV. It was nice. Braeden's brother came out for a bit and socialized.

I am tired of waking up tired and not wanting to do the things I have to do.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

September 5, 2024

Life has been busy, between Braeden and my own schedule we are both overwhelmed.

The biggest of my issues is work. They asked me how I would feel reporting to the one person I said I would refuse to report to. Is it bad that I want them to do that? It would give me the out I need.

I could chalk it all up to say she's not the best leader for me. She has no experience and is reckless with decisions. No one could argue with me on that. It's a respectful way to bow out. It doesn't sound like they are going to give me the leader I need. How do I become that leader for myself?

Braeden is also frustrated with work and I wish I had the time to help him fix it. I also fear overstepping. Me, taking over his mom's job came up this weekend. We were at the cottage, all sitting in the boat. His sister and I were talking about how we want to open our own business and she can help. She said she needs me to take over her job and not be too busy to do it. I mentioned that Braeden and I need to get our affairs in order to do that. Yes the business has kept his family in a good spot for their whole lives, but for Braeden and I to take that one, lose one major employee and have to pay 2 pensions, it would be too much for us. We also want to have income that allows us to go away and take time for ourselves without jeopardizing the business.

I need to have my own source of income that isn't dependent on him. We also both have goals to do more and we need to be able to give ourselves the chance to see those through.

I told Braeden I want to talk to a financial advisor and he said there is also someone he wants to talk to someone about buying properties. We both just need to find the time to do it. I need a plan before I leave.

Everything else is okay. I haven't really put any effort into the snakes and I need to. The quicker I get them out the better it will be for my mental health.