#i feel like just deleting tumblr and going to bed forever.

[simplepotatofarmer]

i'm gonna try to draw rivals today but no promises

[sillimancer]

I can't find it and don't remember who said it but I saw something where op was comparing liberals' reaction to hearing AI the same way conservatives react to hearing pronouns and I'm gonna be thinking about that all night now

[prttykittes]

i have sooo many ideas for fluff (surprise because all i think about is smut.) but i feel like dropping them all when that one bsd sh fic is done bc i dont wanna pressure you 😵‍💫

🦋 anon

Tumblr deleted that post, but your request was female reader dealing with sh and Anorexia with Dazai and chuuya! Sorry, I did post it but it got deleted •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀ so I rewrite it!

ෆ Dazai, Chuuya X Female!Reader [you/your/girlfriend]

— Synopsis:: Your boyfriend is hanging out and he notices that your acting different, he wants you to know that he is here for you!

CW. SH(selfh#rm), Anorexia, body issues, hugs, fluff/SFW, comforting, reader wears long sleeves shirt(Dazai) and dress(chuuya), reader has hair in Dazai's

A/N :: Boys comforting you, I hope your doing okay so far, 🦋 anon and anyone else!! Make sure to take care of your sh scars if you have any, don't want it to get infected:3 — written by a minor

[MASTERLIST] — (⁠ノ⁠^⁠_⁠^⁠)⁠ノ works in link!

DAZAI— he was watching you form the bed, your hands roaming around your body, feeling your stomach, hips. He continues to smile while you turn and turn, looking at yourself. "You doing something, beautiful?" He smirks, you smile and roll your eyes. You stop and let out a deep sigh, you fix your long sleeve shirt and turn towards the door. "I am going to brush my teeth, I don't think I did it..." You say, walking out. His smile gets down to a line, that was a lie. You did brush your teeth, he lies down and thinks. Should he go check up on you? He gets curious, I mean if he goes and checks. He would be a good boyfriend for worrying. He gets up and begins to walk towards the bathroom door, the door is closed and he puts his hand on the doorknob. He hears the sink and it's quite loud, he gently opens the door. He looks at the mirror, your not at the mirror but at the bathtub. He sees you slightly bend over, he angles himself so he can see what you were doing. He sees your arm moving, he sees a droplet of red. His eye narrows and he doesn't say anything, he closes the door and goes back in the room, you wash the blood away and bandage yourself up. Walking back and seeing Dazai play with his fingers on the bed, he lifts up his head and smiles at you, you smile back and lay down next to him. "I love you" he says, your eyebrow raises and you let out a chuckle. "Hm? I love you too, Dazai!" You smile and he embraces you, his arms wrapping around you. He plays with your hair while he sniffs it, you were confused. He didn't do this that often, he rubs your back. He kisses your forehead, he gently grabs your wrists, it stings a bit. He brings it up to his lips and kisses it, he mutters, "I love you so much" he continues to leave kisses over your arms and he rubs your stomach. You wonder if he found out, before you could speak up about it. "I am always here for you, sweetheart" he says, kissing your lips. He gives you a hug, wrapping himself around you forever until you both wake up.

CHUUYA— He watches you, turning around to show him the outfit. It was a long sleeve dress just what you wanted, it matches you. You were smiling, he pats your side and kisses your cheek. "You look beautiful" he mutters and rubs your hips. You smile and turn away from the mirror, you were facing him. You didn't like this outfit that much, the sleeves weren't that long and you had to keep pulling it down. He likes it but you weren't sure but the outfit. "Is there other ones?" You ask, he makes a hmm sound and he smiles. "I will go check" he says, he leaves the changing room and goes find some dresses with long sleeves. Your still in room and look at yourself, your hands were shaking slightly, the more you looked at yourself in the mirror, the more weird you look. You close your eyes, your heart was beating fast but then he opens the door. "I found two, love" he says, you smiles and turn to face him. He is holding up two dresses, he smiles and places them down. "Want me to help you?" He asks, you shake your head. You don't want him to look at your bandaged wrists and worry about it. "Nah, it's fine" you says he smiles and leaves the room. You pick up one of the dresses and look it, feeling the fabric and then you prepare to take off your dress. You were taking about too long and Chuuya opens the door, you didn't notice or heard it. Busy trying to taking off your dress then putting on the other dress. He closes the door, which is when you realize. You bite your lower lip, your stomach curls as you begin to overthink. Your hands shakily put on the dress. Making sure that the sleeves cover it. "You can come in now!" You yell out and the door opens, he smiles and softly spins your around. Did he see you or not? You wondered and he kisses your cheek, he hugs you. He rocks you gently, his orange hair in your face. You giggle and push him away gently, he pats your shoulder. "Don't be shy and tell me anything, if you want" he says, with a smiles on his face, you smile back at him. "Sure....just tell me as well" you say and he nods his head, you both do a pi my promise. "We should just get all three of them" he says. "Wha—?"

[mj-iza-writer]

Hello MJ!!! I love your work and i was wondering if you could do another part to the story where the whumpee and caretaker have the same scar? Maybe a prequel where we see what happened to the whumpee or caretaker? Whatever you choose I adore your writing and I hope you have endless inspiration and motivation forever and ever. 💫

https://www.tumblr.com/mj-iza-writer/754906910306762752/warning-swear-words-used-the-team-burst-through?source=share

I believe you should be able to find the original story there. Here is a background if not.

The story is a team whump story where Leader and the team bring an almost dead Whumpee to Caretaker, the teams medic. Caretaker right away sees similarities in Whumpee's wounds to someone from their past. While healing Whumpee, Leader and the team go out, hunt this person down, and kill them before they can strike again. This story goes into Caretaker's past.

I am so sorry this took so long to answer. Tumblr deleted the story the other day after I had worked on it for like three hours, so after crying my eyes out, I rewrote it... on my phone's notepad as I didn't want that to happen again. I always appreciate ask, and I thank you so much for the request.

The story.

Whumpee was gaining strength now. It had been a few weeks since their rescue.

Caretaker had worked hard to get them to this point.

"How about we attempt a real bath today?", Caretaker sat down next to Whumpee's makeshift hospital bed. A better option then the gurney they had laid on for the first two weeks.

"D-do you think I'll be able to do it?", Whumpee whispered.

"I guess we won't know unless we try", Caretaker smiled, "we can do a quick bath today. Maybe give your hair some attention", Caretaker looked over the clumped hair that still had dried mud from when they were found.

"I think I would like that" Whumpee nodded. Knowing they could use a good clean up.

"Alright I will go get your bath together, and I'll be back to get you", Caretaker stood.

Leader came in and found Whumpee leaning forward in their bed.

"Look at you", Leader smiled, "looks like you are getting stronger and better every day."

"Caretaker is going to give me a bath today", Whumpee whispered, "a-a real bath."

"Oh, that's going to be nice", Leader sat down next to Whumpee, "I take it that's where Caretaker is."

Whumpee nodded.

Leader looked around the room, "I wonder if Caretaker would need a hand", they looked at Whumpee, "would you be okay if I offered to help?"

"Yes that's fine", Whumpee nodded.

Caretaker came in just then and looked at Leader weirdly.

"Good morning, uh, I was just about to give Whumpee a bath. Did you need me for something?"

"No, no, just checking in", Leader smiled, "I was wondering if you'd like a hand though? Whumpee said they were alright with it."

"Actually, that would be helpful", Caretaker nodded, "I can have you work on their hair while I clean the rest of them up. We'll be able to get more cleaned in a little bit of time."

Leader carefully set Whumpee into the tub of warm water.

"Does everything feel alright?", Caretaker looked them over. The way Whumpee happily sunk into the water was enough of an answer.

"It feels so good", Whumpee moaned happily, "thankyou."

Caretaker knelt beside the tub, "yes, I remember my first bath after I escaped. It felt so good", they smiled.

Leader came around to other side of the tub and knelt down. They knew better than to ask questions about Caretaker's past.

"Alright Leader, get to cleaning", Caretaker smiled as they handed them a cup, "please remember we won't look clean right away. Whumpee's body will only let us get so far before they need to rest again. We just need to get enough off."

Leader nodded.

Whumpee stole glances at Caretaker. They looked to where that mark was hiding under his clothes. The one they had in common. The one that meant Caretaker knew exactly what had happened to Whumpee because it may have happened to him.

Whumpee then looked down where their mark was. A fresher wound right on their ribs, not as faded as Caretaker's was.

"Caretaker?", Whumpee whispered.

"Yes Whumpee, are you okay?" Caretaker gave a concerned look.

"May I... may I uhm", Whumpee stuttered nervously.

"Whumpee you can say or ask anything you want", Caretaker gently rubbed their shoulder.

Whumpee nodded, "may I, uhm, know what they did to you?"

Leader stopped what they were doing but didn't look up.

"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked", Whumpee hurried when they saw Caretaker's jaw clench.

"No... uh.. it's fine", Caretaker looked at Whumpee shamefully, "I guess you have a right to know."

Caretaker started to gently clean Whumpee.

"Well I guess to start off, I was originally a doctor. That was my calling in life, it's what I always wanted to be, but they stole that from me", Caretaker frowned, "I was taken by them a little after I started working in the hospital."

Caretaker sighed, "after they found out what I was and what they could make me do", Caretaker paused to look at a wound on Whumpee's back, "they locked me in a room they called the operating room."

"They did things a little differently at first. They had several prisoners to play with. If they went too far, which was often, they would bring them to me. I was forced to heal their victims. I would be severely punished if I didn't.... if I lost someone."

Caretaker sighed, "many nights I cowarded away in the corner of the operating room. I was so scared that my door would be opened and another victim would be laid on my table. I'm still haunted by the faces or those people, buy their voices. Them begging me to just let them die. Them telling me I was just as bad as them. I was causing their suffering to be longer."

Caretaker's lip quivered, "I wanted to heal people, but not like that. I wanted to be appreciated for my work. To feel proud of my abilities, but instead, I heard yelling and pleading from people who wanted me to kill them. Cowering away from that person as their victim was dragged out kicking and screaming. Telling me that I was a horrible... person. What hurt worse was when I started to agree with them. I was a horrible p..person."

Caretaker looked up at Leader for a moment before continuing.

Leader felt their eyes but didn't dare look up.

"One night in particular, a victim was brought in. I had had them on my table before. They pleaded with me to let them die this time. They couldn't go on anymore. I remember looking deep into their eyes. I nodded. This was their only victim at the time. I knew my punishment would be especially bad if I failed."

"They came into my room a few hours later and saw the body. I was forced to take that victims place in the torture. It hurt like hell, but it was worth it", Caretaker chuckled lightly, "it gave me a boost of confidence."

"A few days later, I heard my door unlock. They came in and told me they were going hunting for a new victim since they didnt have any", Caretaker stopped for a second and looked lovingly at Whumpee, "I some how got them to come closer to me..... I stabbed them with a makeshift knife. I thought I killed them, unfortunately I guess I didn't."

"I ran", Caretaker looked up at Leader again, "I ran until I couldn't run anymore, then I collapsed. I prayed that I might die as well and be forgiven of my sins in the afterlife."

Caretaker smiled again as they wiped a tear, "thankfully someone found me. Someone who has a habit of finding injured people and bringing them here, and making them like a family. They didn't exactly have a medic back then. So I took care of my own wounds. Leader tried to help as much as they could."

"You said I did good at getting the supplies you needed", Leader finally spoke up.

"Yes you did", Caretaker nodded.

Caretaker sighed again, "I don't like talking about my past too often as I'm ashamed of it. I allowed people to suffer because I was too afraid to speak out and stand up against our captor. I was too afraid of them."

Whumpee looked deeply into Caretaker's eyes, "you were allowed to be afraid, you're human. I was terrified by them. I can see why you would have been as well. I'm sorry for what those people yelled at you and called you. You're my hero", Whumpee shook, "plus if it hadn't happened, you would not have met Leader and become part of this team. I could have died. It's unfortunate, but those hard times brought you to this family.

"Thankyou Whumpee I appreciate that", Caretaker smiled, another tear threatened to fall, "well, I think that just about does it for this bath, you are shaking a lot. I think your body is ready to rest again."

Whumpee nodded, "thankyou for telling me about that. I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome", Caretaker smiled weakly.

Whumpee fell asleep a little after their bath.

Caretaker stepped outside on their office's balcony to get some air. Maybe cry a little more.

They were just about to lower to the ground when Leader came out carrying some drinks.

"Hey, sorry to bother you", Leader frowned, "I thought maybe you could use one of these after that. I know you don't like talking about that subject. Though I think it was good for Whumpee to hear it. Maybe they can see that being fully healed is possible after some time. I know I have a deeper respect for you than I already had. You're absolutely inspirational."

"I-I don't know about that, but Whumpee deserved to hear it", they looked down at the drink, "I'm not proud of that time of my life. Thanks for this."

"You're welcome", Leader took a drink of their own, "I agree with them though. If it wasn't for that, this team would have never made it. None of this would be possible."

Caretaker smiled weakly.

"I guess I know why you are able to fix just about anything I bring to you", Leader tried to lighten the mood.

"Yep, you still haven't given me anything compared to what I've dealt with. Except Whumpee, that was a hard one. Which is how I knew it was their work. It had to be at least."

Leader nodded, "for what it's worth. You are an amazing doctor, and I'm honored to have you on this team. I know this wasn't what you had planned for your life, but man, I appreciate you so much."

"Thanks", Caretaker smiled, "this isn't what I had planned, but I wouldn't change it for the world."

Leader grinned, "I'm glad."

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all.

@villainsandheroes @the-beasts-have-arrived

@sacredwrath @porschethemermaid

@monarchthefirst @generic-whumperz

@bloodyandfrightened @freefallingup13

@notpeppermint @cyborg0109

@idontreallyexistyet @painfulplots

@whumpbump @everythingsscary

@skittles-the-whumpee @expressionless-fr

@theforeverdyingperson @legendarydelusiongoatee

@candleshopmenace @whumpanthems

@lavndvrr @ivymyers

@starfields08000 @a-living-canvas

@lumpofsand @watermeezer

@indigoviolet311 @whumpy-mountains

@3-2-whump @risk606

@electrons2006 @paperprinxe

@whumprince @kaz-of-crows

@mis-graves @decaffeinatedtimetraveler94

@sausages-things @sunglasses-in-the-bentley

[sephirthoughts]

Identity

(working title)

i posted this forever ago but it completely vanished, so chalk it up to tumblr randomly deleting my posts without notifying me in any way. here it is again

part 1 of this

Summary: this is an intro chapter of a bigger thing, so it basically has some roche/cloud smut and not much plot yet. NOTE: roche isn't the endgame ship

Tags: Roche x Cloud, transmasc cloud strife, fighting as foreplay, semi-public sex

Rating: 18+, no minors, minors DNI, explicit AF,

Warnings: penetrative sex, canon-typical violence, dissociative amnesia, neurodivergent cloud strife, jessie raspberry getting what she fucking deserves

basically this but they fuck

“I just wanted to clear things up between us, because, well…I’ve been throwing myself at you pretty hard, all week, but you give me nothing back. So, what’s the problem? Why don’t you want me?”

Because I know exactly what your neck would look like, in the split second between decapitation and your body collapsing, and it’s all I can see, when I look at you, he did not say. He just stared blankly back at her, like she’d addressed him in a foreign language.

“Like, seriously, are you normal?” Her voice was getting louder, which probably meant she was upset. “Do you even like girls?”

“I like girls, fine. I just don’t like you,” he said flatly, and turned to go. 

“Hey! Stop! I’m not done talking to you!” She hurried after him and grabbed his arm, to yank him back. She may as well have grabbed a bridge pylon, for all the effect it had. 

“I’m done talking to you,” he said, shrugging her off. “Don’t touch me again, or I’ll defend myself.”

Jessie’s face went blank, and she stood there blinking, for a second. Then she laughed aloud. “Defend yourself? Oh, please. I know you wouldn’t really do anything to me. I’m just a sweet little girl, and you’re a big, tough SOLDIER.”

As she said this, she trotted up beside him again and hooked her arm around his waist. One second later, she was tumbling backward across the street, finally rolling to a stop on the hard-packed dirt, on the other side. 

“Cloud! You fucking bastard!” she half-screamed, half-sobbed, as she struggled to her feet. “You just attacked an innocent girl right on the street!! You won’t get away with this! I’ll tell everyone, just you watch!!”

Cloud had already turned to walk away. “Don’t care.”

When he got back to the shithole room he was staying in, he knocked on the door before his, and spent a few minutes talking to a girl he actually gave a shit about. They never talked about anything important, but for some reason, it made her feel better, when he stopped by. 

Then he went to his room, where he laid in bed for two hours, his mind buzzing and racing, but unable to organize a single coherent train of thought, from the disjointed chaos in his brain.

He got to Midgar, somehow. But how? He thought he remembered a loud, high-pitched engine. Like an old gas-powered dirtbike, but that couldn’t be right. The vague silhouette of someone with spiky hair. The thunder of chopper rotors and staccato pops of gunfire…then static and bolts of pain shot through his his head and everything went smooth and white again, like a blank page. 

Another hour passed and he was still tossing and fidgeting in agitation, unable to sleep. He needed something, to take the edge off, but that was a difficulty. He would barely touch booze and hated the altered state of mind recreational drugs produced. He needed to be in control of his mind, 

There was one thing, but…fuck. He told himself he wasn’t going to do this, except in an emergency. Just then, the weirdo next door down started thumping around and groaning like a zombie. Ok, this was now officially an emergency. Cloud grabbed his phone and sent a text. 

Strife: well?

Fifteen seconds later, the screen lit up with a reply. 

SOLDIER Roche: Ah, my passionate little friend! How good to hear from you! To what do I owe the honor of your rather odd greeting, this evening? 

Strife: want to fight or fuck. you in? 

There was a long pause before Roche responded, and Cloud laughed inwardly, knowing exactly what the man’s face probably looked like, when he read those very straightforward words.

SOLDIER Roche: At the risk of overstepping, might I venture to propose a third option? Wherein we do both? 

Strife: hell yes 

Strife: old Hongjin shipping warehouse on the south edge of sector 7 in 20

Twenty-five minutes later, the two were circling one another, like a couple of alpha wolves about to fight for dominance. Which was pretty much what they were doing. Cloud was the first to make a move, swinging the blunt side of his heavy sword into Roche’s ribs, with enough force to snap a normal man in half. 

Roche wasn’t normal. He was a SOLDIER. He went flying, but he hopped right back up, huffing and puffing from having the wind knocked out of him, but smiling from ear to ear. 

His sword flashed silver in the moonlight as he appeared out of nowhere, returning the blow with the pommel of his sword, like a cannon shot to Cloud’s gut, throwing him into a jersey barrier, which he smashed through and wound up covered in pulverized concrete. 

They traded blows back and forth like this, till they were both spitting blood, panting from exhaustion, streaked with sweat and dirt, grinning at each other like a couple of idiots. 

No one who hadn’t been through the mako treatment would understand how it felt, being able to use their full strength against an equally matched opponent. It didn’t just feel good to work out all that mako-induced aggression, it was a necessity.

The shit would build up in your joints and muscles like toxic sludge, and make you feel sick and sore and stiff all over. On top of feeling like a bag of smashed assholes, it would fuck with your head and make you extremely grouchy. When SOLDIERs got grouchy, it was a threat to public safety. 

The fight had devolved into grappling, at this point, and their holds started lingering and getting closer to groping, till they were rolling around on the dirty concrete, actually groping and kissing, hot and urgent and messy, and Roche’s hard dick was grinding into Cloud’s abdomen. 

“We gonna do this?” Cloud said, when he pulled back to take a breath. 

Roche’s eyebrows went up. “Right here?”

Cloud jerked his head toward the nearby building. Never one to need to be told twice, Roche leapt to his feet, scooped Cloud up like a princess, and kicked the door open as he carried him inside. It was a just some steel storage containers and a bare concrete floor. Pretty much the same as the lot outside, but there were walls. 

Roche sat Cloud on one of the containers and they got directly to business. Roche’s pauldrons hit the floor, followed by his leather waist armor, then their mouths were back on each other. Cloud got the SOLDIER’s blue jumpsuit unzipped and pulled it down around his waist, exposing his black tank top and black underwear.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he remarked, sliding his hands up under the top, to grope and squeeze his chiseled pectoral muscles. “I’m starting to think they recruit for SOLDIER based on looks.”

Roche laughed. “If we’re the standard, and not the outlier, I think you have a solid case.” 

His big cock was straining against the stretchy fabric of his underwear, making Cloud’s mouth water. Without a word, he slid to his knees and mouthed over it, before he pulled the underwear down around Roche’s thighs, letting it bounce free. 

“Oh! M—my friend,” Roche gasped, as Cloud took him in his mouth. “My good…good friend. Ha—fuck! Just like that!”

Turned out not even having his dick sucked could shut him up. He kept moaning and making incoherent exclamations, raking his hands through Cloud’s hair as Cloud licked up the shaft, lapping the salty slick off the head, before he took it deep into his throat, shoving his head down and gagging hard, slicking it with spit to stroke it, fully focused on the sensory pleasure of sucking this big cock. When he felt it get hotter and harder, he pulled off with a wet pop. “Don’t come in my mouth.”

Then he swallowed it again, taking it down and holding it in his throat for a longer interval, each time he bobbed on it, like he was trying to choke himself on it.

“Ah…ha! F—fuck, baby, I’m so close,” Roche panted. “I—I’m gonna come! Fuck!”

Cloud leaned to the side, watching him wring himself hard and fast, as he came, spurting long jets of milky-white, all over the concrete floor. 

SOLDIER sexual function did not follow normal human rules, and Roche didn’t get soft after he came. His gorgeous cock just stayed up, stiff and springy as steel, jutting out from his muscular abdomen like a flagpole. Which was lucky for Cloud, who was literally aching to get that thing inside him. 

Roche pulled him into a kiss, entwining their tongues while he unbuttoned Cloud’s trousers and slid his hand down the front. Then he stopped, like someone had hit his pause button.

After a beat, he drew back, looking down at Cloud with an odd expression. “You have a—”

“Yeah. I do. Problem?”

“No, no, it’s just…” Roche swallowed hard. “I think…I might…be in love with you.”

“Tch, fuck off with that,” Cloud scoffed. “Shut up and put your dick in me, before I change my mind.” 

Roche knelt down and pulled off Cloud’s boot, peeling one leg of his trousers and underwear off, then pushed his sweater up, exposing his leanly muscular, very clearly male torso. 

The thin keyhole scars weren’t even visible, anymore. None of his scars were, after the mako treatment, even the ones from childhood. He had a vague feeling of nausea, and opening his eyes in burning, green liquid, and quickly pushed those thoughts away, focusing on the sensory experience

With tender attention due more to a lover, than a casual fuck, Roche licked and sucked Cloud’s rosebud nipples till they were puckered and erect, then kissed his way down his taut ridge of abdominal muscles, to the curly, blonde pubic hair. 

Pushing his slender thighs up and apart, he knelt down and slid his tongue into the hot, wet slit. Cloud gasped and gave a moan, gripping the storage container with both hands, while Roche tongue-fucked him senseless, laving and lapping and sucking his swollen clit, till Cloud came apart with a hoarse cry, hips stuttering as he fucked against his mouth. 

Roche licked him through the spasms, then stood up, tossing him a jaunty wink, as he wiped his chin with his tank top. Cloud rolled his eyes. Roche laughed and leaned down over him, like he was finally going to put it in, but instead, he grabbed his waist and picked him up, like a doll. 

“What the hell are you doing!” Cloud demanded. “Quit playing around and fuck me, already.”

“Patience, my dear friend. You are a once-in-a-lifetime fuck. I want to make sure I do it right.”

So saying, he pinned Cloud against the brick wall, hitching his legs over his shoulders, to bend him effectively in half. Looking into his eyes, he pushed his rock-hard cock into Cloud’s throbbing, dripping-wet hole, in one long, slow slide.

This may not be a viable position for un-augmented humans to fuck for too long, but for Roche, Cloud’s entire hundred and sixty pounds was as easy as picking up a cat. 

“Ungh! You’re so…fucking deep,” Cloud groaned. “Your dick is too big, you’re gonna fuck a hole right through me.” 

“Careful, baby. You keep talking like that, I might get ideas.” Roche gave a ferocious grin and slammed it in, all the way to the base, making Cloud cry out and grab onto his shoulders, bracing himself against the barrage of deep, hard thrusts, till he came on Roche’s cock, back arching and thighs shaking, his insides squeezing and convulsing with his orgasm.

“F—fuck, baby,” Roche sputtered, as he fucked into the sucking spasms. “You feel so fucking good. I wanna come in your hot little pussy.”

“Mn,” Cloud grunted. “Come inside.”

“Really? I can?” 

“Why not? You know we’re sterile.” 

“Didn’t want to be—ha! disrespectful.” 

“Said the guy fucking me in an old warehouse, after we beat the shit out of each other.”

That comment just about ended Roche. He cursed under his breath and covered Cloud’s mouth with a ravenous kiss, pounding wildly into him with his iron-hard shaft, releasing a slippery-hot flood that overflowed and spilled out onto the concrete floor.

“Cloud, my friend, holy shit,” he murmured, nuzzling into his warm neck. “That was the hottest sex I’ve ever had.” 

“Don’t you mean currently having?” Cloud pointed out. “You’re still hard and you’re still inside me.”

“What, I can’t leave a review till I’m out of the restaurant?”

“Review? Gross, get off me.”

“Aww, come on, baby,” Roche wheedled, rocking his hips teasingly. “One more round, what do you say.”

“Fine, but just one. Or…maybe two. Three, tops.”

[julysn]

julia really needs to sleep: late night rants with yours truly

topic: this one gorgeous fanfic that got deleted on thanksgiving and now i haven’t been happy ever since.

time: 2:10 cst

i love ranting about this silly deleted fic

129 days.

a hundred and twenty nine days since that fanfic has been deleted and i couldn’t download a copy before the author did so.

i haven’t smiled since the day before. i haven’t laughed since the day before. i haven’t felt an ounce of joy since the day before.

i woke up on thanksgiving day expecting some good ass turkey but what i got was as if that turkey had expired and mold all over it.

NO SERIOUSLY THAT FANFIC WAS SO GOOD YALL DONT GET ME. it was a sp one and i don’t think i have ANY sp mutuals here?? so.. lemme explain..

it was a kyle broflovski academic rivals to lovers. fake relationship trope. i remember sm of the fic despite not having read it for months??/ i even downloaded a pdf so i could read it on a fight 2 detroit but I DELETED IT AFTERWARD. JULIA WTF.

plot/thingy/intro: so basically stan had to pull y/n into the janitors closet bc y/n was on the cheer team + bsfs with wendy (sp lore: stan and wendy are dating) and he tells her sm about college? FUCK I FOROT IT BUT ANYWAYS

also everyone’s aged up to hs. feel like that’s self explanatory but i am not reading an elementary fic hell no busters

and then craig and tweek (sp lore: they’re dating) walk in and they’re like “… 😦😦” bc one male one female in janitors closet why wouldn’t u think that and craig went “….this is our makeout closet” I LAUGHED SO JARD LMFAO

and so stan uses the excuse that he was confronting y/n about being on a date w kyle broflibskii!!11! omg. and it’s shocking bc everyone knows they’re enemies so craig + tweek believe it.

and since this took place during lunch, and kyle eats lunch in the gymnasium so the two go there and stan explains the mess he dragged them into and he’s like “pwease ☹️ pwease i don’t want wendy to think i cheated on her WITH HER FRIEND!” so yk kyle agrees and they hug and shit

scenes that happened that i remember: OMG. THIRD CHAPYER. y/n was eating in the gym in the bleachers and kyle used her lap as a pillow and they shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich i loved this scene oh my god it was so cute

also: lore drop: y/n is cartmans cousin. i don’t need to say much to explain anything, if you’ve been on the internet for at least a month you’d know about his character

so after a game since y/n is on the cheer team she goes home and OH NAUR. CARTMAN LOCKED HER OUT FOR DATING KYLE OH NAURRRR. and it’s raining too! so y/n gets all soaked in the rain and kyle finds her so he takes her to his place and she has to shower and wear his clothes and it’s cute

they didn’t sleep in the same bed. NOOOOOO but he slept on the floor and let her take his bed what a gentleman k lived this fic so i loved it with all of my soul and heart pls come back.

dead on arrival by strawbebbyparks u changed my life forever.

ever since i first read that fic, i have been prettier. my hair looks better now, i look better now and i finally have a solid clothing style that suits me. i am feeling much more well.

i have not gotten sick within the time period that the fic was up on tumblr + ao3. but i swear i had a massive cold days after it got deleted. NOOOOOOOOOOO,,LKKK

please it was so good.

i’m manifesting that the author is just rewriting everything and she’ll re upload it w better writing + scenes soon bc I MISS DOA SM IT WAS SO GOOD

i remember having an online friend and in the middle of the night i’d be there and we’d be having a convo on how it was the best kyle x reader and no one could top it. doa was amazing

that fic motivated me into writing again too omg i remember reading it and immediately beginning to wri my own kyle fics

i remember waking up on summer days METICULOUSLY checking my notifications to see if k got an update email. and if i did i would be screaming and giggling and kicking my feet just reading it over and over again

also i’m js exaggerating like i’ve obviously been mourning the fic but i wasn’t THAT sad 😭😭

[cadybear420]

Holy shit it's already been 4 years since I first discovered Choices. Excuse me while I try to keep my brain from exploding

On February 2, 2021, I found the app while idly searching random shit on the Google Play store. I downloaded it expecting it to be as trashy as the ads portrayed those kinds of games as. So I planned to spend my time mocking the game and its ridiculousness that I expected from it, and then delete it once I had my fill.

One hour later, in my bed at 5:30 AM, I was playing TRR Book 1 and already at the end of chapter 1, I was swooning over Prince Liam because he was just the sweetest, and thinking to myself that this game probably has some substance.

Then after I completed TRR 1 chapter 1 I noticed TNA Book 1. That cover looked exactly like the normative kind of stuff I'd love to mock. I started playing it and it had a lot of normative mock-worthy things but it was also kind of fun in a way. It's exactly what it was on the cover and it was interesting, and it did have some genuine positives.

A couple of weeks later, later in February, TNA 1 would be the first Choices book I ever completed. Again, mock-worthy but fun and interesting. I think I either tried out Foreign Affairs or Open Heart next, though I didn't really binge through those because they felt more low-key compared to the insanity wild ride that was TNA.

I don't remember when exactly I started HSS. My earliest screenshot is from Book 1 Ch 6 and goes back to March 11, 2021 but I know I started it earlier than that. And believe you me, I was fully expecting it to be a very corny Disney Channel high school style story. Instead I got the motherfucking demon child that would rework my entire brain chemistry for the next four years and almost certainly counting.

HSS was definitely playing on some tropes and very larger than life yet at the same time, it still felt real and it played up the tropes well. I was definitely invested after the first 2-3 chapters, and I think by chapter 5 after that premium scene where you can listen to Aiden playing piano I was full-on hooked. That's when I knew for sure I was never getting rid of this app. No matter how much bullshit AI crap or whatever PB is doing nowadays, they can't take HSS away from me.

It also helped that I was feeling like utter shit early in February, partly due to my older fandom RWBY being a shitshow (do not ask). Choices and HSS was one of quite a handful of good, refreshing things that came along and gave me a sort of a fresh start.

I'm not going to go over my nostalgia for all the books because as fond as those memories are, if I did that we'd be here forever so maybe another time. But I will say that I spent the first year and a half on Choices Reddit and a couple of Discords and had some fun times there. Then sometime in June 2022 I made my blog. I was unsure about the Tumblr fandom so I joined to mainly just reblog Aiden-related stuff and mind my own business not really talking to people much.

Eventually I decided to start posting some of the edits I'd been working on in my spare time but not really sharing them much. My first ever edit I posted was the first version of Aiden's swimsuit redesign. I was really nervous about sharing it at first.

Later on I started posting a few more edits, HSS incorrect quotes and also getting involved in some of the critical discourse because it was making my brain run at 5000000 mph.

For the following year and a half I would be more active but still mostly reblogging stuff with the occasional discourse post of my own or edit. I was still very nervous about some things like more suggestive HSS headcanons and I've witnessed a couple of the arguably worse sides of the Choices fandom. Social anxiety is a bitch.

It wasn't until around October 2023 ish... or maybe July 2023 ish actually, that I started getting more immersed into more of the community. Around that point I did kind of want to start actually sharing my creations with people and not just dumping them onto my blog. I was still a bit anxious but I also hated being lonely.

And then by December 2023, I participated in my first ever Secret Pal Exchange and I greatly enjoyed it. From there, I began gradually meeting new people, new amazing friends and creators, and I began feeling more comfortable sharing ideas and things I liked.

Heh, who knew that me idly searching random shit on Google play out of boredom and feeling forlorn would lead to all this. So in honor of me having been invested in this game for four years, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you who I have met in the fandom for being a wonderful friend, for supporting my art and my edits and my fics and my headcanons and my MCs and all the rest, for creating such amazing works and MCs and headcanons of your own, and for creating such a welcoming community. I am certainly looking forward to continuing these amazing memories.

Long live the Choices fandom, HSS, and Aiden Zhou with all his class, sass, and ass.

[nero-vanderwolf]

It’s late at night when he hears Aki stirring.

Shinjiro is already awake, seemingly cursed to forever have a terrible sleep schedule from all his nights on the streets.

Aki gets up and fumbles with something for a moment before Shinjiro finally sits up.

“You’re up late,” he mumbles, and Aki jumps, turning around. His grey eyes meet Shinji’s, kind and adoring as ever, and his gaze shifts from shock and surprise to loving concern.

“I didn’t wake you up, did I?” He asks, and Shinjiro is quick to shake his head. Ever since the incident back in ‘09, he’s been determined to keep Aki from ever blaming himself for things that weren’t his fault. Even down to simple things like Shinji being awake at 2 o’clock in the morning.

“What are you doin’ up...?” Shinjiro asks sluggishly. Cursed to forever be awake, doomed to forever feel exhausted. Without Aki there, anyways.

Aki smiles fondly, the corners of his mouth curving up softly, the lids of his eyes dropping slightly. Little things that make up the big picture, Shinji had said once. Little details about Akihiko Sanada that remind Shinji how hopelessly in love with him he is.

“Couldn’t sleep. I was gonna go for a walk,” Aki murmurs, and Shinji hauls himself out of bed, wincing slightly when he feels the twinge of an old wound.

Aki watches him rise to his feet, watches him grab his jacket, light and maroon coloured, a gift from Fuuka, from their closet. “Mind some company?” He asks, and Aki smiles again, reaching to entwine their fingers.

“No, I don’t mind at all,” Aki murmurs, and Shinji presses a kiss to his lips, soft and reassuring. A reminder.

Long ago, they would have brawled until they tuckered themselves out, disappearing into the covers of their beds until morning when they had to face each other in new light, injuries from the night before thrown into detail in the sun.

But now they used soft words, gentle touches. Aki used to punch to convey how he felt, used his fists to show his meaning. Now here he was using those same hands to caress the back of Shinji’s knuckles, scarred from their brawls and others.

Shinji had never been good with words, and he sure as hell wasn’t good with emotions. But he knew for sure that he liked it when Aki’s touches were gentle.

The stars outside twinkle like a thousand diamonds, all of them reflected in Aki’s pearly hair.

Shinji can’t help but stare at his husband. So many years spent dancing around the truth- and it had taken a bullet for them both to realise.

Shinji doesn’t mind, though. That bullet had led to good things. It had led to the defeat of Nyx, the survival of the world. It had led to Ken’s adoption, and later Goro’s. It led to them being married, with Kotone being Shinji’s hyperactive maid of honour and Makoto being Aki’s smiley best man. (Seriously, Shinji doubts to this day that Makoto had smiled as much the whole time he had been in SEES as he did on their wedding day.)

Now here they are, sitting together on the curb by the bookstore, hands still intertwined and eyes up at the sky.

“...There’s Castor and Pollux. Gemini,” Aki murmurs, pointing up at a cluster of stars.

“...And now we have Hephaestus and Caesar. Kinda funny how our Personas now are completely different, huh?” Shinji nudges Aki with his elbow, smiling. Long ago, this would have turned into a fight. But Aki just grins, rests his head on Shinji’s shoulder.

“Even if our Personas are different, something tells me we’ll always be connected. Think we’re like this in every universe, Shinji?”

Shinji wraps his arm around Aki, drinking in the cool summer breeze.

“Maybe. Maybe we’ll always be connected, in this life and the next. Maybe in every universe, there’s a way we’re connected.”

Aki looks at him with those loving grey eyes, and Shinji wonders how he never realised sooner how hopelessly in love he was with this man.

“I hope I love you in every universe.”

responding with actual tears in my eyes because tumblr decided to just delete my first response so this one will be shitty as hell and i want to rip my internal organs out because i put actual effort into that response and it even helped me vent a little but now its gone so you're getting a shitty retelling of what i said originally.

i love how aki and shinji care for each other about the little things. they dont want to bother each other because they feel like they've fucked up each other's lives enough with shinji dying and aki not being there to save him. the line "it took a bullet for them to see" is so good. it shows how much they changed after they realized how much they actually cared. they no longer use their fists to talk because they realized how fragile they truly were. so they just feel each other, soft. they touch each other just to make sure the other one is really there and to savor every moment that they have together just in case this is their last. nothing worse than the feeling of touching someone you love and feeling cold, knowing that you should have loved them more but now you can't go back.

[toseeclearly]

i deleted everything by accident

I deleted everything by accident, and now I am grieving.

It's not that these things were important, technically. I deleted a tumblr I barely used or looked at; a place where I would start to write a post, get cold feet, and then leave it in the drafts until I no longer wanted to do anything with it. That's all it was, a graveyard to things I was never going to complete, ideas I'd given up on, plans I never followed through with.

But still, the day they rip the memorial down is still sad, and you'll forever walk by that lamp post and remember that, at one point, there were flowers here.

So I guess I just... use this how I used to use the internet: like a diary. I was once a dedicated blogger, back in the days when being a "blogger" had some sort of caché (I think if you said that now, someone would assume you were using some sort of throwback term, like asking aloud if anyone knew of a video store they could check out. Are there any video stores left? I don't know, and I don't feel like googling right now). I wanted to be a writer, a blogger, I wanted to be like all the cool teens I followed who had custom webpages with sections where they'd post about their thoughts and other sections for cool things they did with their friends. I wanted to be their friend and be posted on their cool blog! But this was the early 2000s, where the only way to contact these people was to either stalk a forum they might be on, or email them directly, and both of those always felt unappealing. So instead, I wrote about my life and my friends, read my friends blogs, hoped to be cool enough to be included. Hundreds of posts, stories and essays and quiz results and absolutely atrocious poetry, we wrote so much, I wrote so much. And all of it is gone, now. Blogs long deleted, websites no longer active, everything lost to digital decay. Or, if you're me, you delete your tumblr by accident while massively tired and only realise too late what you've done. More decay, more insignificant pieces of the web burned away. I'm the only one who cares, but that's fine. I can... rebuild. Or just use this space for my own terrible navel gazing.

I write a lot. I have a fair amount of published work, but I also write a lot that never sees the light of day (and probably never should, mostly for quality control issues). I spent a lot of nights writing Parkdale Haunt, a lot of very late evenings hammering out page after page after page until my eyes hurt and my brain was trying to escape my skull, but it felt good. It was a good time. There's several episodes where I wrote the first draft in a complete haze, like when you're running a marathon (NOTE: I have never run a marathon, but like, stick with me here, I'm just extrapolating from my time as a long distance runner) (SECOND NOTE: I hated long distance running and quit to focus on sprinting and hurdling, which I loved, because sprinting is designed for people who want all their endorphins RIGHT NOW and hurdling is designed for masochists, and the 400m hurdles is the perfect race if you just want to punish yourself for any feeling of hubris that you've ever had in your entire curséd life) and you're just zoning out and pushing through any thought you might have that says hey man, what if you just - oh, I don't know - lied down on that patch of grass over there? Yeah, that would be sick as fuck. Writing feels like that for me sometimes, like hey, wouldn't it be nice to just go to bed? Yeah, bed is good. But then I would look down and there'd be 15 pages in front of me, and I'd feel... great. And also exhausted and vaguely headachy, but great. Then I would just spam Emily and/or Ian with screenshots of scenes at random times. Being in my vicinity means you're getting unhinged screenshots at some point.

So I've been writing again. I've got two scripts going for a new show, here's to hoping it works out. And I guess I can write here when I need/want to procrastinate. I don't have much of a footprint left after I threw my fucking shoes in the ocean.

All this has done is made me miss hurdling.

[fatdogboycunt]

followup from previous anon, figured i would send it that way, i never use tumblr anyway. have the whole damn story.

quit twitter... damn, two weeks ago? made some hot as hell content, got my fave creators to notice me. you could have seen it even, who knows. don't want to expose myself here. got so fucking obsessed with it, a complete gooned out addict, but there's no substance to it. if i gain even more of my chub, someone has to point it out and grab that belly, give it a nice rub, right? it felt almost robotic. i wanted a bit more.

so i tried to get... better, one can call it. there was the nofap, i went on a nice walk, less screentime, less stimulation! my friend keeps on telling me to do stuff, and i do so! walks, journaling, starting with the simplest distractions outside of what could rot my brain.

yet the world just kept on giving me signs that i cant quit. my bro is still a full-blown porn addict, and on every platform i go on there's something that just triggers me. it's like they want me to act like upon these urges. like a dog, like an animal. an incel-esque guy i will find myself thinking of, a fat man with his belly...

the nofap lasted an amazing two days, or even less, i started jerking off on the second day right after work. so pent up. my needs had to be taken care of. the moment i could log off and everyone left i grabbed my phone and looked at the same video as always, all my gear out, toys out... the bed was covered in my sweat, it took me a whole hour, didn't manage to do more, and i am still trying to clean my mind up, it's like there's no way to go back to what it was before. it does feel nice though, knowing that there's guys out there that are as pornbrained as me.

anon i have to say, you are not the only one who’s doomed to be pornbrained forever. in your case, you practically set yourself up putting your images up on twitter.

i had twitter about a year, year and a half ago and i was a lurker. i’d stalk porn accounts and bookmark them, but it really wasn’t enough for me so, along with a handful of other social medias i deleted it off my phone.

little did i know (and maybe you’re realizing this too) that as long as tumblr is there, as long as you simply exist and interact on the internet, you will undoubtedly stumble upon porn. i do think though, that you went a step further than i did. i’m still somewhat anonymous, blabbering about on this blog, but you, you went on and made yourself porn. You are consumable. In the fact that you had your actual favorite creators to notice you, in the fact that you got some chub on yourself to begin with, but you were presentable.

i say the only logical next step is to let go of any decorum whatsoever. turn yourself unrecognizable, gain that extra chub, take up a weed habit (or worsen it if you already habitually use), just let yourself go. i’m sure your friend is well intended in telling you to help yourself but the best help you can offer yourself is to simply give up, and be the most braindead, porn-obsessed goonpig you can be <3

[tyonfs]

monthly(ish) 🎀 update!

heyyy! it’s me. i haven’t done one of these in sooo long 😭 i figure i should start with what everyone is waiting on, arsal. truth be told i did not listen to anyone’s advice and im still hopelessly in love with him and it doesn’t help much that we’re both playing this back and forth hard to get game. truly it’s so like. draining to have him constantly on my mind. i think the problem is because when we were kids i liked him a little bit and now that all this dawned down on me it just became even worse because he truly is one of the first guys i’ve really really liked.

i’ve always had a bad track record with situationships and hookups and i never really really liked any guy i’ve ever talked to or been with but with arsal it’s so different. like even when i don’t talk to him something about him just makes me gravitate towards him. sigh it’s so hard being a girl 💔

speaking of guys randomly cameron called me one night after like 3 months of no contact and said he wanted me again and i told him i didn’t miss him and he called me a slut and said that’s why im incapable of love which is crazy because he is the first guy i admitted that fear to so good to know! he was drunk but it still made me feel a certain way.

back to less important things, currently im laying in bed in my hometown and it feels so surreal because it’s my last winter here and it’s just, hitting me. like ill actually have to leave this place i call home and it just sucks.

ENOUGH SAPPY THINGS! let’s go into more drama. basically i have a trio ish kinda thing with my main circle of friends, one is my best friend for ever i love that girl and the other is one of my guy friends and we absolutely hate him. he is such a man and it’s so disgusting how he talks about his ex. and he likes to act like he has a crush on both me and my friend it’s so weird.

kpop.. oh kpop. i’ve completely fell out of kpop once like school started again. i haven’t listen to any music or read a single fic since i fell out. i think it might be for good this time. but that does NOT mean ill ever stop sending in my updates, we are pen pals forever until somehow someone deletes my tumblr account and your account disappears.

god what else can i talk about. i turned 20 this year. so surreal truly. i blew out my candles and i think i stared at the cake in silence. i don’t even know whats happening to me at this point. i genuinely feel like im going through a (not mid) mid life crisis.

ANYWAYS. i know this isn’t like majority of my updates, everything is all over the place. and the vibes r off :( how are you doing alice? you mentioned you’re moving that’s exciting! is the place nice?? give me some updates girl i miss you!!

yours truly - 🎀

PLEASEEE 😭😭 i support you but also don't let him play you queen 😞🙏 i totally get the old flame reigniting type of crush tho it's so easy to fall back on the familiarity too :') i think also having a lot of good memories with someone makes it easier to keep thinking about those and looking forward to more 🤧

CAMERON??: 🙅‍♀️ NOOO also what the fuck?? what a dick :/ that is such a terrible thing to say intoxicated or not i absolutely HATEE when men just throw around derogatory words and put women down 😭 and i hope you told him off bestie, and if you didn't then i support going off on him whenever you want (or just ghosting for your mental health!!!) 🙏

it's always hard to leave home 🥹🥹 it feels so bittersweet cause you're excited about being on your own and living independently but it also feels like you're leaving behind the safety net :(( also GOD time to turn that trio into a duo cause why does he put down his ex and treat you guys like that?? :(

yes i love hearing from you so i'm glad we established the little pen pal communication 🥹🥹 but no i totally understand, i fall out a little too when life gets too busy :') but it's nice that kpop is something you can always come back to whenever you want (even if it feels like you're missing a lot of context since the industry is growing fast HAHAH)

the almost quarter life crisis is so real 🤧 i experience birthday sadness like every year even if i'm having a really good time <//3 it's just the fear of growing up and life changing as you take on more responsibilities, but you're not alone!! i hope that offers some comfort but we're all in the same boat struggling to feel like adults 💝💝

but yes the move is all done and the place is really nice !!! i've been meeting a lot of my neighbors and they're all very sweet and friendly, so it feels like a very supportive community 🥹 i've currently been deep in a reading phase so i've just been stalking goodreads like whenever i have free time 😭 i've also been talking to someone !! since like ?? november i think but omg my flight instincts are kicking in so bad i've been fighting the urge to ghost since december bc i'm so nervous ab this stuff 🏃‍♂️ like i'm just a girl omg....... but other than that i've been meeting up with friends and having a good time 🥰 OH and i Might go to coachella but we'll see because tickets are kinda..... ☹️ my wallet's gonna die and i wanna see svt this year sooo

currently my little project is this seungkwan harry potter fic that i started in december 🤧 but my goddd it's at 20k words and i'm barely a third of the way through <//3 but it's been fun to write!! so i hope i don't run out of fuel when i'm done HAHAH but i hope you've been doing well love !! 🫶🫶

[sunflowerrruwu]

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has ever liked my posts, commented on my posts or just looked at my posts! Thanks a lot, everyone! I love you all very much, although you probably already forgot about me lmao. I got so much feedback. When I tried to create an account in 2018, I got 0 likes. I didn't know why but I got a little upset and deleted all the posts. In 2021 i tried again and i got some likes! And today I have quite a few of them!  More than ever had. Ihave 121 likes on that Sportarobbie Valentine's day mini comic i made.  That's a huge number for me! And also 141 on that digital sketch of them. Then i was so obsessed with the quarry game. Thank you for 133 likes! I had some other social media accs and, you know, there 5-10 likes was a normal thing. So 100+ likes is a really huge number for me.. I'm very grateful and i want you to know this.

Now, the worst part of this post. It's so depressed and i feel so guilty because of it.

I feel a big responsibility. It's hard.  I'm so afraid to post anything. I very rarely draw.  sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm not in the mood, and sometimes I just prefer to do something else (play games). I started all over again many times. Started to become some kind of an artist again. I have changed my nickname many times. All in order to forget this guilt i have. Guilt that I'm not active enough to be an artist. Guilt that I'm not active enough to be popular.  Popularity is not my goal, to be honest.  I almost never worried about likes or comments. Views are what was important to me. From the views, I can know that people saw it.  People don't always like or comment, so likes and comments are not that important for me. What do i want?  Inspire and give a sense of comfort.  I was so happy to see that my pinterest pin got 19k views and 230 saves. I thought "someone saved this. someone needed it. someone found it interesting and inspiring. I'm happy."  Someone else's art gives me the reason to live. Seeing my ships and favorite characters that other people are actively drawing.. it helps to stay alive. This is what I wanted and still want to give to others.  But I'm not active enough.  Many times I tried to think like "forget it. just post. let it be like an archive for your drawings. even if no one sees, even if no one finds out. it will remain here forever for you as evidence that you are not  lazy". I hate laziness so much. I hate that I rest and sleep. I often stay up late thinking "you can't go to bed, you will waste your time. you could do something more useful." And the next morning I feel so bad from not sleeping that I pass out and can hardly stand on my feet. And then I hate myself even more.

This is a great responsibility.  I love lazytown. I'm so multi-fandom. I am into 30+ fandoms. But it's such a big responsibility for me. The fact that people expect lazytown drawings from me when I want to draw genshin, for example. When I want to draw warrior cats, for example. When I have my own OC, personifying me in this world. I'm so afraid to post something else. A lot of people told me that being a multi-fandom artist on tumblr is hard. Those people told me that you can even get hated because you are multi-fandom. But I know artists on tumblr who draw about 5 fandoms. And those artists are very loved by their followers.

This is a great responsibility. Being an artist and posting means being active. Oyherwise all followers will leave. I don't need many followers. I mean it's not very important for me whether I have 10, 100 or 1000 followers. I just want to know that someone needs my art. And I want to know that I'm not nobody. That I am someone special. That my nickname will be remembered, I will be recognized. I have always dreamed of drawing requests. You give me an idea and I draw it. All are happy. You got your art, i got a cool idea. That's why I wanted a tumblr account. But now, when I draw so rarely, when I regularly disappear. Can I do all this now? Maybe I really should just post and not think about anything. Someone will need it. Someone will find me and follow, like and save my drawings, someone will be inspired to draw, too. I get inspired very easily.

I can look at a drawing and want to draw too.  That's why I love YouTube videos so much where artists show their sketchbooks.

I feel like I need to tell you why I'm like this. Why I don't post and why I disappear. Why I used to draw lazytown, then the quarry, and now other fandoms. I'm so afraid. But I always come back. Maybe nothing will happen after this post.  Maybe I'll disappear again. Maybe I'll play games all day long. Maybe I'll be busy with my studies.  And maybe I will draw trashy drawings that I don’t even want to post it. I haven't drawn much this summer. I used to draw a lot and often. I don't know what's scarier. Get hated for this post or not get any feedback and understand that everyone has forgotten me. I really want to delete it all. And I'm really sorry that any of you had to read this. I didn't want to burden you with my thoughts and feelings. But I feel like I should have written this. I feel a little bit safe here. It's the internet. Even if someone will write bad comments i can delete them.

I wanted to add some drawings to this post but i don't think it's a good idea anymore. I will leave it like this so i can delete it later.

This is not a cry for help. I don't need sympathy. I just feel like I can't post my drawings without explaining how I feel. I feel guilty that I decided to become an artist but couldn't handle it. Couldn't be active enough to be an artist. I will probably disappear again(because i don't have many new drawings to post), but I give a 99% guarantee that there will be no more posts like this. I already explained what I wanted. That would be enough for me to feel less guilty.

I feel stress and fear because of this post. So, most likely I will delete it tomorrow or in a couple of days. I don't like talking about myself, but I've said so much.

[rabbitindisguise]

After a couple hours of self reflecting I realized that the kink group I was trying to be a part of was (through no fault of their own) contributing to my utter insanity over the past couple of months

I think the combination of trying to seek approval and emotional flashbacks just made it impossible to function. On one hand, it pushed me to talk about things I was avoiding talking about, but on the other I was avoiding talking about them because the little goblin that lives in my brain wants to sabotage everything I love by making the worst way to say things the most appealing for no reason.

And it's so easy to be like "I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine" that it's hard to notice that I'm losing out on hard won progress for . . . nothing . . .

I don't have anyone to blame but myself for it. I don't know what's worse about that: I could have prevented it and didn't, or that the worst moment of the past three years is connected to me finally being willing to talk about a minor uncomfortable thing that had been bothering me for awhile. And I can't believe I have to be grateful for even a scrap of self control that could have made the situation much worse- I could have lashed out even more, or completely destroyed any amount of respect or chance to gain respect or any affection for me whatsoever, and it's chilling. I have a migraine appointment a couple hours from now and my main focus is trying to pen myself in to not do anything else stupid, deleting all of the advice I got from generic Relationship advice from the internet and reminding myself to never google anything ever again, and just laying in like, paralyzed fear in bed.

And in some ways it finally slotted something into place that I've been trying to hammer home since forever, that if I have something that upsets me and I get clarification and it makes me feel better that's the whole fucking point. That if I trust someone more than anyone else then they're a good person for me to be around. That if someone makes me happy that is a sign that I'm loved and cared for.

I feel like for good long time I've been acting on the script I was being told that I had to do in order to not be hurt. I didn't know any other way to function. Now it's like . . . Instead of protecting myself, I need to protect the people I care about from me. And no one seems to get this. My therapist, my friends outside of people close to me- they're like "oh! You seem fine! You seem nice!" and I don't know what to do to get them to stop saying that. I wouldn't feel like I needed a reality check on what I want to say if I was a nice person. There is evidence that I am not a nice person that people refuse to accept. It makes me worry that my friends are not nice people (excluding, again, Zach who mostly just goes hmmmmmm in a reassuring way) which is the insanity again !!!! Why is my first impulse to think everyone is mean but me?

I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't know how to prevent this from happening. Every time I think I catch it, there's just a worse unexpected problem. I think I'm never going to be done. I'll always be sitting here trying to do the basic normal human person thing of not feeling the dread that something is wrong around me and I don't know what it is.

Having followers on Tumblr, trying to get approval, trying to be acceptable, respectable, to get access to resources from the government, it all makes me insane. There's some kind of undercurrent to everything that's like, if I talk to a human person in person I'm going to explode in private. And it can be panic attacks where I take it out on myself, or being cruel to people I care about, or so many other things, but there's an equal and opposite reaction to meeting people that causes this. I used to get so stressed visiting Zach (don't anymore, now it's a relief compared to Strangers) that I would spend the month after absolutely out of touch with the material plane of existence.

The unfortunate thing is the best solution I have right now is to lean into self directed panic attacks. It's the most effective way to manage things. If I spend the whole time panicking about that, there's no potential to direct it elsewhere. I'm going to have to start inducing one on purpose to get it out of my system after every scary interaction outside my house. And that's insane! It's insane. I'm tempted to not go out this weekend or ever again, frankly. I'm really scared of myself. I don't know how I could ever confuse someone I care about for something potentially dangerous to me, and I don't know why my brain reacts to people like a pathogen or something. I feel like I'm in one of those movies where someone is in a harmless situation acting like they're getting mauled because they're on a lot of drugs, or someone running through fun house mirrors, or getting sedated and confused about the doctors saying gibberish.

It's frightening that I feel like it would be super easy to get stuck in the insanity spiral again as I'm trying to untangle this. Thankfully, something reassuring is that this might just be the Enormity of a feeling I've successfully beaten back many times (fear of my parents), it was just so big it was hard to vanquish. I empathize a lot more with war veterans, I feel like I sort of get their whole . . . everything about stuff sometimes. For now I just know that home is safe, and everything else is Scary.

I am definitely taking a Lyft tomorrow to avoid going on the bus.

[littleavengerfics]

heyyyy

can you do where reader ( female) has been out drinking with her friends and comes home to loki/bucky/tony ( your choice ) but has sobered up and just wants to be little . Also she’s in pain from dancing a lot- like her feet hurt and stiff

This is very specific sorry

I love youuu

I'm so sorry this took longer for me to make. My tumblr kept crashing and deleting all of my progress. I hope you enjoyed this anyway and have a great day. (don't worry I love specific requests because it gives me more ideas and more to work with.)

I chose Loki because I haven't really written about him before and that is a crime.

WARNINGS: age regression, slight mentions of alcohol, daddy Loki, female reader, non specified little age

(If I missed any please let me know)

By the time I walked through the door it was past 1 am, Loki was sat in the armchair waiting for me with his favourite book. "Hey my love, did you have fun?" He asked getting up from his seat. "Yeah, but now I'm exhausted." Loki let out a small chuckle, "so you definitely did have fun then, well at least it's over now so you can get some rest. I say we go to bed and stay there as long as your heart desires." He smiled helping you take off your coat.

"Considering how much you drank, yes I saw the photos you sent me, I'm surprised you can stand." You hummed. "Well we sobered up at my best friend's house then we got a lift home." Loki nodded. "That was clever of you darling, I would hate to think of something happening to you and me not being there to protect you." You leant back into Loki's chest, that was exactly what you wanted him to do, protect you.

You wanted to stay in his arms forever where you knew you were safe and that you did not need to worry about anything. You wanted him to look after you...

You wanted your daddy.

You turned around, burying your face into his chest. "You okay my love?" Loki asked running his hand through your hair. "Mhm." You mumbled trying to hide the change in your behaviour. But of course he noticed, he always did. "Don't lie to me y/n, what is going on in that pretty little mind of yours?" Before you could take a second thought your hand was pulling on his armour.

"You know that doesn't work as well as it does on midguardian fabric, and although it is adorable when you do it I am not putting on a midguardian shirt just for that again." You looked up at Loki with a frown, why wasn't he acknowledging you. He just stared off into space.

"Daddy." You did grabby hands at him. "Oh sorry little one, daddy got distracted, is someone feeling tiny?" He asked with a soft smile. You gave a sleepy yawn before muttering. "Ya I s'eepy daddy."

"Then I think my little princess needs some cuddles and some night night." Usually you would put up a fight but even you knew he was right and though stubborn as you were about bedtime you didn't have the energy nor the want to argue. Loki picked you up effortlessly and carried you to your bedroom.

"Come on baby let go of daddy." He chuckled at your iron strength grip on the back of his neck. "Please can you let go of daddy so I can get our clothes and we can snuggle?" You frowned unwrapping your legs from around his wait and releasing your arms from around his neck.

"Thank you princess now are you feeling okay? Does anything hurt? do you feel unwell?" You nodded. "Daddy I owies." Loki's face immediately changed as he looked at you with concern. "It's alright y/n daddy is going to make it all better. First let's get you into your comfy clothes." He helped you change into your favourite pyjamas before placing you on the bed.

"Can daddy put some lotion on your feet owies?" you gave him a sleepy nod as he began to rub the lotion into your skin. "Does that feel better princess?"

"mhm tank yous." He gave you a huge smile. "You are more than welcome. Daddy loves taking care of his baby." He placed a kiss on your forehead before sliding in to bed next to you. You instantly rolled over onto his chest and sighed happily making him chuckle. You began to doze of as you felt all the pain in your body float away as Loki's arms settled around you in a comforting hug.

"Go to sleep little love, Daddy is right here to protect you."

[in-the-name-of-styles]

Need You.

Author’s Note: Hello! After answering tons and tons of asks, and explaining how Tumblr had deleted the second part “Please Stay” to my one shot named “Only If” for god knows what reasons. I had to do this for you guys. I stopped writing years ago, and but kept my masterlist open for you to come and read my writings whenever you wish to. Trust me, this was so effing difficult for me to do! but I’m kind of proud that I removed the time and managed it. but let me inform you it’s not the same, because I do not remember what happened in the original one clearly. I hope this is a better and hopefully more well-written (amongst my other writings *cringe*) version of the old one.

It’s not proof read. I haven't edited it, so I’m sorry in advance for the typos. 

So, guys, gals and non-binary pals, I present to you (apology for it being light years late) the part two to your favourite little creation of mine “Only If”, with a new identity... please welcome “Need You”!

Do let me know how it makes you feel in the ask box or comment section. I love reading them. Happy Reading!

Word Count: 5K

Warnings: tons of angst with tons of fluff, sensitive harry???? (or do you guys call it sub!harry nowadays??) anyways it’s a cute!harry :P !

.

It’s been four hours, and you still weren’t back. Though it wasn’t new for you to go for a drive after an argument with him, you often came back within an hour or two. The blizzard outside was making Harry quite anxious. Even though the fight was extreme, he wanted you back safe and sound. He now realised how harsh he was on you. You didn’t intentionally leak the song. It was a mistake and it could happen to anyone, himself included. He felt guilty over the way he yelled at you; it wasn’t like him to react like that.

Suddenly, Harry felt the need to do something special for you. Though he planned on apologising to you verbally, he wanted his actions to prove it too. He made his way to the kitchen to cook you your favourite meal. He got a hold of his phone and switched on the playlist which include all the songs both of you enjoyed. the sound of the vessels clucking against each other minimised over the song playing on through the speakers.

A smile lit up on his face as he reminisced back to the moment when you were dancing to this song while making the two of you breakfast.

FLASHBACK

Harry rubbed his eyes as he walked down the stairs, his dimpled smile already making its appearance when he heard your voice blasting through the kitchen entrance. He didn’t know why you bothered turning the song on so loud, you were anyways going to be louder. He stopped at the kitchen entrance, a silent laugh escaped him as he leaned against the door frame and took in the scene going on in front of him.

“You say you want a good time! Well here I am, baby, here I am, baby” you belted out loud, cheeks turning red with the happiness radiating out of you. You’d decided that the whisk was your microphone of choice with batter stuck to it and everything. You’re moving those luscious hips which drive him crazy right to the rhythm of the song.

“Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me talk to me, tell me what's on your mind!” you missed a note but you don’t care. This scene right in front of him, he wished he could capture and watch it forever. Bruno Mars did bring a wild side out of you, and he couldn’t bring himself to be jealous of the multi-talented singer. He would give anything to see you like this. Knowing you’re the shy type who doesn’t enjoy too much of attention, getting to watch you like this was definitely a sight.

He walked right up to you and wrapped his arms around you slowly. You jumped in a scare, as you were lost in your own world. “Harry! You scared me.” You complained, trying to ignore the blush on you cheeks after you realised he must’ve been watching you from a far.

He nuzzled into your neck and sighed, while pressing a kiss there, “Hmm… I’m sorry, m’love. But you just looked so beautiful I didn’t want to stop you.” He murmured while pressing more kisses to your neck, then trailing them up to your jawline. “Y’ look utterly ravishing right now. Forget pancakes, instead I’ll have you for breakfast.” He smiled and went on to kiss your cheeks. His comments made you smile. He saw his chance and lightly bite the side of your cheek. You squealed and tried to push him away.

“H, stop!” you laughed. He tightened his arms around you and swayed to the beat of the song then went on to sing next lyric “Tell me baby, tell me, tell me baby what you tryna do!” he slightly lifted up your t-shirt and moved one of his hands under it, and muttered, “huh? What are you trying to do to me, baby?” and pressed yet another kiss to your cheek.

“Gosh, your hands are extremely cold!” you gasped. He then turned you around to face him. You instinctively wrapped your arms around him. The two of you smiled quietly towards each other, then he leaned down to kiss you properly. You shifted one of your hands into his the nape of his neck and the other went on to cup his cheek. He moved one of his around your shoulder and the other around your waist. Both of you sighed and bathed in each other’s presence.

“G’morning, froggy” you teased as pulled away first and smiled up at him. He frowned and tutted, then smacked your ass lightly. You always teased him for his morning face, said it looked like a cute frog. He rubbed the area he spanked and quickly pecked you once again before pulling away to look at you.

Brushing away the hair stuck to your face, “Morning, precious. How’re you feeling?” he asked, hugging you towards his chest. Let’s just say the rest of the day went on just like this. Him being needy for your attention, and you loving on him without any hold backs.

END OF FLASHBACK

Right as he was getting ready to plate the dish, the doorbell rang. He smiled, happy to finally have you home. He quickly washed his hands and walked up to the door as he rubbed his hand dry with the towel which was once on his shoulder. He buzzed you in thinking you’ll unlock the main door with the security code. But after two minutes of waiting and not seeing you walk through the door, he turned on the camera above his buzzer to see what was wrong.

He frowned when he saw two police officers standing outside his door. His heart suddenly started racing at rapid speed. He rushed towards the door and unlocked them. Coming face to face with the two sombre looking men, he tentatively asked, “G’ evening, officers. How may I help you?”

The two men exchanged looks and the tall one replied, “Sir, there has been an accident and we found an ID on the victim. Is this Ms. Y/N Y/L/N residence? we’re here to inform you about the unfortunate event.”

“I-I don’t understand? What happened?” he stuttered, his legs almost felt as if they were about to give up.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have much information for you. May we ask what’s your relation to the victim?” the other officer asked, and gave him an apologetic smile.

“Fiancé.” He cleared his throat, trying to calm himself down. He could feel his panic attack rising. “I’m her fian-” he shook his head, “Just tell me where she is please…” he pleaded and quickly put on his shoes. He took his car keys and raced up to his rover.

“She’s over at St. Thomas, Mr. Styles.” The officers had clearly recognised the distressed man. “Here’s her ID. We hope everything is well.”

Harry couldn’t bring himself to thank them as he started his car and backed out of the parking spot. He raced up to the hospital, and once he reached, he ran up to the reception.

“Y-Y/N Y/L/N? S-She just c-came in? I’m her f-fiancé?” He gasped out your name. The lady was busy tending to others to notice him. “Hey! Hey! Please ma’am just tell me where she is!” he was on the verge of weeping in front of her.

The old lady looked at him with a bit of annoyance, “Take a breath, young man. I’m trying my best here!” She walked up to him. “Now tell me, what was her name again?”

“Y/N Y/L/N!” He rushed. He couldn’t stand straight. Once he got what he wanted, he ran towards the elevator, up to the fifth floor. The corridor was busy and he couldn’t care less about pushing people aside. He just wanted to get to you as soon as he could. He found your door and barged in, not caring about the doctors around your bed.

“Y/N!” He rushed to your side, dropping beside your bed.

“Sir you can’t be her-” the male nurse tried to pull him back.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, precious!” He cried, trying to get the man off of him and get back to you. “I’m here now, okay? I’m not going anywhere- GET OFF ME. SHE NEEDS ME!” he yelled pushing the guy away.

“Hey man you’re no good to her at the moment yeah? Let the doctors do their job!” the nurse tried to make him understand while pulling him back yet again. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to reach to you. He sobbed over your state, blood was streaming down your forehead, and all he wanted to do was protect you and wrap his arms around you.

“No I need to be here! Please let me!” he cried. All of sudden a beep brought his cries to a halt. He looked around frantically wanting to know what had happened. “W-What’s wrong?!” he hiccupped.

The doctor and the nurses around him started rushing around the room. He then heard those words which made his heart stop, “She has flat-lined! Someone pass me the defibrillator!” the  doctor raised his voice.

Harry couldn’t believe this was happening. The nurse had enough of the unwilling man and pushed him out the door, “Sir we cannot help her if you’re being difficult. Please calm down and go to the waiting room. We will inform you about her doing as soon as we can.” and then shut the door to his face. Harry could no longer see you. The group of doctors, covered your body.

He slid down the wall next to your door and sobbed into his hands. Only if he would’ve stopped you from leaving. Only if he would’ve told you that he forgives you and that he loved you more than anything. Only if he would’ve let the argument die and kiss you instead. Only if…

Later, the upset man walked himself to the toilet. He caught his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t care about his red swollen eyes, his sweaty forehead and matted hair. The image of you lying on that bed yet again brought tears to his eyes. The thought of you not making it made him retch and he rushed into one of the restrooms. He dry-heaved and cried. Once he was able to breathe, he took out his phone.

Sniffling as he dialled the only number he could think of, The voice on the other side made him breakdown. “Mum I-” he couldn’t complete his sentence, as he tried to wipe his eyes.

“Harry? Darling what’s wrong?!” she asked shocked at her son’s rapid breathing.

“Y/N s-she is- Mum I can’t lose her. I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have let her leave. What if she doesn’t make it?” He wept while running his sticky fingers through his hair.

“Love, what-” she tried to ask him, but he cut her off.

“What if she…What if she dies, mum?” he cried and coughed.

His mother had figured out by now that you were not okay, and might be admitted in the hospital. She tried to calm her son through the phone. Unfortunately, she wasn’t near him and by the time she would reach it might not be enough. So she did the only thing she could once Harry hung up the phone, she rang up his friends.

Harry sat himself down on one of the wating room chairs. No one was telling him anything, he had no idea how you were doing or if you were okay. He was out of tears, and soon enough the exhaustion took over him. He didn’t even realise when he had fallen asleep until he felt a hand brush the back of his head. He opened his eyes and saw his two friends crouching in front of him.

“Hey buddy…” Louis smiled softly. Harry jolted back up, and got up to run towards your room. But before he could stand up straight Mitch stopped him. “H, they just came in here to inform us about her condition.”

“How’s she? Is she okay? Is she awake? She needs me, I need to be beside her.” He rushed. His two close friends, tried to calm him down.

“They said she’s stable now, mate. But we aren’t allowed to meet her yet, okay?” Louis stated.

Harry took deep breaths and looking at their extremely destressed friend, Louis pulled him into a hug. Getting the comfort he desperately needed, Harry started sobbing again. He was tired of crying but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

“Everything is going to be okay, Harry. She’s our little tigress, she’s going to pull through, yeah?” Mitch ran a hand drown his friend’s shoulder. Harry nodded lightly and tried to slow down his heart.

48 Hours Later

It’s been two days, yesterday Harry was allowed to visit you since they moved you out of the ICU. Thankfully, your internal recovery was rapid, and you could wake up anytime. He was getting a bit impatient. He wanted to see you open those shiny eyes and look at him the way you always did, with so much love that made him giddy and flustered. These past two days he’s been talking to you, continuously apologising for his behaviour, and how he’s going to make up for everything that went wrong. You just had to come back to him.

“and then Louis got frustrated because Mitch was not answering him. But that’s Mitch for you, right?” he slightly smiled and ran the hand which wasn’t holding you hand, through your hair. “You’re going to hate your hair, once you wake up. You always like them a certain way, don’t you? But don’t you worry, I’ll help you wash your hair as soon as you wake up and come back home.” He stated and kissed your hand. He was silent for a while, just continued to run his hand through your hair.

“You’re going to come back to me, right precious?” he asked quietly, “Why aren’t you waking up, huh? Your froggy needs you to open your eyes....” he continued, as he forced a laugh out of his throat which had a huge lump in it. His eyes turned misty as he continued, “I hate it here. Seeing you like this is a nightmare. I miss you so much. I miss you calling me annoying little names. I miss you smacking me when I’m being a narcissistic little prick. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you, and even though it’s just been two day, I feel like it’s been forever. Wake up, baby. Please…” he pleaded.

As the day turned into night, Harry decided to stay back. He asked for an extra blanket and a pillow for his makeshift bed on the couch. He didn’t know why he bothered because he spent the entire night sitting beside you, holding your hand as he fell asleep leaning against it.

You could listen before you could see. The only thing you could hear was the air conditioner and someone lightly snoring against your right hand. You tried to move your fingers as you opened your eyes. The bright light made you squint, you blinked rapidly as your vision cleared. You turned to your right and saw Harry’s peaceful face sleeping against your hand. You felt the need to clear your throat, and your eyes searched the room for a glass of water. But the sound made Harry wake up from his sleep. He lifted his face and wiped the little drool from his face and the little amount on your hand.

“whoops, you’d kill me now if you were awak-” he turned to look at your face, and he had to double take. He gasped, almost falling off this chair. “Y/N…Oh my- you’re awake!” he nearly yelled. He pressed the button to call the nurse and then cupped your face going on to press kisses to your face, “Baby I was so scared. I thought I had lost you!” He laughed his airy laugh and looked at you with utter happiness.

For some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. The words he said to you were the only thing swimming through your mind. For you time had stood still, like the fight had happened mere hours ago. You moved your face away from his hands. Harry frowned noticing this change in your mood.

“Hey what’s wrong? The doctor is on her way, yeah. Do y’need anything?” he asked frantically following your eyes round the room. He saw you eye the plastic cup beside your bed, “Y’ want water? Hold on I’ll get it for you.” He ran to the other side and brought the cup up to your face. You didn’t realise how thirsty you were until the first sip hit your throat, you started gulping it down quickly.

“Take it easy, precious. They took out the tube just yesterday.” He explained softly.

Once your thirst was quenched he kept the cup aside then went on to pull his sleeve over his knuckles and wiped the wet corners of your mouth. You moved your face aside yet again, he couldn’t understand what was wrong. But before he could ask you, the doctor came in to check on you. She did her tests and asked a few questions. She left as soon as she was done, and told you even though the injury looked worse than it actually is, you had take it easy for a couple of days.

Neither of you spoke for a few minutes, “How’re you feeling, love?” he asked quietly. You nodded, “I’m okay.” He came up to you and raised his hand to caress your cheek. But before he could touch you, your head turned to the opposite side. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he asked you.

“Will you please look at me? What’s happened, precious?” as he caressed your hair.

“Why should I look at you, Harry? So you can tell me how careless I am, or how I’m not trustworthy?” you rasped quietly. For a minute he was unable understand what you were trying to say. Then flashbacks from your fight the other night came back rushing to him. The things he said to you, and how guilty he felt later. His words had left a huge impact than he thought they did.

He took your face in his hand with very much to little force, he had to tell you this, “Y/N y’have absolutely no idea for how sorry I am for that night-” but you didn’t let him complete.

“That’s only because I got into this accident.” You snapped. He shook his head rapidly, he saw you getting worked up over this. You’ve always been a little firecracker, and you never failed to tell him when he was being a dick or to defend yourself quite amazingly, he always loved that quality. Apropos, he couldn’t let you hurt yourself in this condition.

“First of all, please calm down-” he started, “don’t tell me to calm down, harry!” you raged. He hated himself for smiling when you’re clearly very upset. But for the past few days he had to witness you lie there lifeless which had taken a toll on his mental state. He loved the fact that you were awake, so you yelling at him was more of a reward than a punishment. You looked at him sharply and saw him not taking you seriously, this brought tears to your eyes.

You sniffled and looked away from him to rest your head against the pillows on the raised up side of your bed roughly. Harry’s small smile melted away as quickly as it appeared. He rubbed the side you almost banged to the pillow, “I’m so sorry, precious. I swear I did not mean anything I said.” He pleaded and took a seat down on the chair beside you.

Right then the nurse which pushed him out of the room the other day and now was much like a friend to him entered the room with a tray which had a bowl of soup and jello in it. Harry smiled at him gratefully and took the tray from him as the guy set up the table on your bed.

“How’re you feeling, Ms. Y/L/N?” he asked once he was ready to leave. You gave him a small smile and said you were feeling better. The moment he left Harry looked back at you with a longing look on his face, when you refused to look at him he sighed and set the tray down on the small table and took a seat in front you on the bed. He looked at you as he removed the metal spoon from its cover, and then went on to remove the cover set on top of the soup. He blew light air on the spoonful of soup, then brought it up to your mouth. You refused to touch it. He sighed and looked at you pleadingly, “Y’ know someone told me we shouldn’t remove our anger on food.” He stated, turning your words against you.

You glared at him in anger for minute as he looked at you with a loving smile. “Please?” He moved it closer to your mouth, “You’ve got to eat it, I’m not budging unless you do, Y/N.”

Even though you wanted to stay stubborn, you were kind of hungry. So you let him feed you the soup. When he got to the jello, you refused profoundly. “But it’s the chocolate flavoured one! Remember the time we used to share one when I was here for my fractured foot? C’mon we’ll share this one too, if y’want?” he tried convincing you with his soft eyes.

“I don’t want to share it with you. Actually, I don’t want anything to do with you at the moment to be completely honest.” you snapped. You were aware of the fact that you were being very unreasonable and bitchy but it was his words that has caused extreme hurt to you. Your words hurt Harry, and it was evident on his face. He wrapped up the jello and cleared everything. The day passed, and in the evening your last visitor entered the room.

“There she is!” Louis came up to you and hugged you lightly, making sure not to hurt you. “Hello, darling. How’re you?” he kissed your forehead. Harry left you alone with him as he went to get the two of them some coffee.

“What’s happened to him? Why the long face still? I mean I get that Harry loves to pretend that he’s this macho man and all. S’ a bit ridiculous to be honest. Like who’s he kidding, he’s a puppy.” Louis laughed. You smiled at this.

“I’m still a bit upset with him over our fight. So I haven’t been talking to him.” You explained. Louis frowned at this and then sighed, “Oh love don’t do that... This has been very tough for him. Should’ve seen his state these past few days. The man has been a mess ever since the officers came to your house that night.”

“I’m trying, Lou. But I just can’t forget all the things he said. I was so hurt, I still am!” you rubbed your forehead, as it was beginning to give you an ache.

“He’s very sorry, Y/N. Trust me when I say that I’ve never seen him like I saw him that day. He just wanted you to wake up. He was just blaming himself, how he shouldn’t have let you leave the house.” He took a hold of your hand, “he loves you so much, darling. He’s absolutely mad over you.” He rubbed your hand, “A’bit obsessed if you ask me. If I were you I’d have him get that checked with a therapist.” He joked, you laughed loudly. He smiled with you, and passed you the water you signalled for.

“Forgive him, Y/N. He can’t even bring himself to go home. The only time he went there was to get some clothes, and to put the dinner he made for you in the rubbish bin.” He sassed. “and I know I’m speaking for Mitch too here when I say this, but both him and I could use a break from all the non-stop stress weeping calls we’ve been getting from him.” You gasped at him with a mock offence for Harry, and lightly smacked his shoulder. You were always thankful for Louis in moments like these. He was a great friend to you and Harry.

Harry came back with two coffees and passed one to his blue-eyed friend. He took a seat on the sofa which was against the wall, and the three of you, though it was mostly you and Louis, had a light conversation while the men finished up their coffee. Louis bid his farewell with another kiss on your forehead and a well wish, you thanked him and waved goodbye. Harry walked him out the door, and came back in a second later.

“Y’ need anything?” He asked as he took a seat on the chair beside you. You shook your head as you observed him fidgeting with the cuticles of his nails. He did that when he was anxious.

Neither of you spoke for a while. But the minute you heard a sniffle, you snapped your head towards him. You tried to get a look at his face, the tip of his nose was a bit red and he was now fidgeting with his feet too. He wasn’t crying but he sure was on the verge of it.

You suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of love for the man in front of you. You leaned against your bed and sighed, smiling a little. It’s pathetic how in love you were with each other. You couldn’t even stay mad at him.

“Harry?” You whispered softly. He hummed without looking up. So you continued, “I need you to do something” you faked a stern voice to play with him a bit more.

“Yeah sure, what’s it?” he muttered as he got up and rubbed his hands down his thighs, then finally looked at you. You looked at him without an expression and said, “I need you to come here and give me a good cuddle, a kiss too if I like the cuddle.” And then smiled at him lovingly. He looked at you for a second. You almost thought he was  going to yell at you, but the opposite happened. He started tearing up and heavy tear drops ran down his cheeks.

You gasped and quickly leaned forward to take a hold of his hand which was near you. “Oh Harry..” You whispered as you pulled him near you. He the minute you sat him in front of you, he started crying heavily. You were so shocked yet you’ve never been more mesmerised by him. You quickly tried wiping his tears away and comforted him, “Honey, don’t cry. I’m not upset anymore!”

“I-I’m honestly s-sorry! I promise I didn’t mean what I said that day, Y/N!” he tried to speak while wiping his tears.

“I know, babe. I know!” you tried to say it properly but it came out in a laughing manner and tried to draw the crying man close to you, but seeing you laugh made him more upset and he pushed you away lightly, so you forcefully pulled him into a cuddle.

He told himself he’s letting himself be pulled because he didn’t want to hurt you, but it was actually because he wanted you close, so he went in head first. You lay down against the pillows and cuddle him against your chest. He went on sniffling into your neck and wrapped his arm around your waist.

“Harry why are you crying!” you tried controlling your laughter. He whined and pulled his face away, “Y’were so fucking mean since the moment you woke up. I didn’t expect it.” He said and hiccupped, thanks to the sobbing breakdown he just had. You pulled on your lips so you wouldn’t smile.

“Well now you know, honey. It hurts, doesn’t it? You were so mean to me too!” You teased. He nuzzled back into your neck, pressing kisses there which always made you giggle.

“I’m really sorry, precious. Honestly, I really am.” He said into your neck, yet producing another hiccup. You couldn’t control yourself anymore so you smiled and pressed a quite a few smooches to his temple, and inhaled his comforting scent.

“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you. I’m sorry for my foolish mistake too, I really didn’t mean to ruin your hard work like that.” You apologised. He pulled away and brought the hand that was around your waist to your cheek and said, “I forgave you a long time ago, but you honestly don’t have to apologise at all. It could happen to anyone, m’love. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Y’know I made dinner and everything as an apology. But then the officers…” his tone dropped and he couldn’t continue. So, you sadly smiled and pulled him in for a kiss.

He sighed and reciprocated the kiss with so much love and passion that you couldn’t help but wrap the arm which around his shoulder a bit more tighter and ran the other through the back of his head gently. The two of you pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes, he moved the hair that escaped from your braid and tucked it behind your ear, “I was so scared. I thought I had lost you.” He whispered softly, and swallowed the small lump, “I missed you a lot, baby” he said and you couldn’t help but peck his cute pout.

“I missed you too, froggy” you replied. The pet name made him reward you with a dimpled smile. He nuzzled into your neck and whispered, “I love you.”

“and I love you.” You kissed his forehead.

“Just for your information, I’m not letting you out of my sight for a really long time.” He stated sternly.

You laughed but stopped when you saw he wasn’t joking, “You know I have to work, right?”

“Y’can easily take a break for a month or two.” He said, as he yawned and cuddle closer to you. “A MONTH OR TWO?! Have you gone mad?” you gasped, lightly pulling on his hair.

“No I haven’t. Try to get rid of me, baby. I dare you.” He laughed a scheming laugh. You knew he wasn’t joking. He tended to become quite paranoid and obsessive over you when situations like these occur. But you wouldn’t have him any other way.

“We’ll see, mister.” You said, and caressed the back of his head.

“oh we will, missus.”

The End.

Author’s Note: I really put in a lot of efforts on this one, so you guys kind of owe me *wink* y'all gotta humour my praise kink now!!! ;P

Love you guys! 

[arhvste]

❝ miya atsumu - @notatsumu ❞

in which your boyfriend has a finsta, he just doesn’t know that you know about it,, until you slip up

an - this is for @4kinor1 because she got married to atsumu today and she’s hot <3

giggling to himself, atsumu let himself fall back on the spacious shared bed with his phone in his hands above his face. a wide smile was spread across his face as he stared at the screen. the luminous light flickered in reflection to his eyes as he failed to tear his eyes away.

to anyone else, it’s would’ve looked like the blonde was just staring at any old instagram feed. you on the other hand, knew exactly what he was staring at and it warmed your heart everytime you caught him on his phone staring at certain content. recently, you had discovered atsumu had a whole finsta account only he allowed himself to follow. how you found it? his username wasn’t exactly complex and considering he only followed 96 people on the social media platform on his main account, it wasn’t a surprise the account name ‘@notatsumu’ had come up in your suggestions.

you didn’t mean to discover he had a whole finsta account littered of and with you photos of you, but you did and the fact was confirmed to you a while ago when atsumu had handed you his phone to search something up, but had forgotten to close out of the account. obviously it caught your eye and it would’ve been weirder to not look; so you did just that. a faint guilt crept up inside of you as you scrolled through the multiple photos your boyfriend had captured and posted for himself to look back on, but it simultaneously filled your heart knowing he thought to do such a thing. to keep a social diary for himself of the thing he loved the most; you.

that was the first and last time you saw the account. you never opened it again because atsumu never left an open opportunity to do so like he did the first time. you already felt fulfilled enough knowing exactly what it was that brought him so much joy whilst looking at his phone. there was a particular glint the setter caught in his eye whenever you noticed him looking at his own account or uploading a thread of new photos to it.

“tsumu!” you called out making him jump. the phone slipped out of his hands and landed flat on his face resulting in a very distressed atsumu. “fuck!” he yelped letting the phone slide off his face and onto the floor as he brought both hands up to cup his own face.

immediately, you rushed over to his side where you replaced his hands with your own, cooing soft apologies and pressing warm kisses over his face. “i forgive ya don’t worry.” he assured you, relishing in the attention you were showering him with.

phone nearly forgotten about on the floor, atsumu brought his hands up to cup your own face as he smiled warmly at you. his whole world right above his head, your eyes providing as the universe with twinkling stars. grabbing for the device on the floor, atsumu held the phone up and shamelessly snapped the sight before him as you laughed. “mugshot.” he muttered as if it would cover his tracks.

you smiled and shook your head. “caption it something nice okay?” your comment just a passing one but atsumu’s eyes widened as he halted. “pardon?” he quirked an eyebrow as you stated at him from below. realising your mistake, you hands flew to your mouth.

“what?” you airily laughed in attempts to brush off your slip up hoping he wouldn’t notice. “caption it? why would i caption it?” his tone curious with traces of panic.

“just in case you wanna post it on your instagram or something.” you cautiously spoke, each sentence risky as if your words were keeping you on thin ice and one wrong move could send you through and into the cold and piercing water.

“my main?” he pressed on unknowingly leaving you an opening. “you have another account other than your main?” you feigned curiosity as atsumu’s frown tugged a little more.

“hm maybe.” he replied turning his phone off and putting it down on the bedside table beside him. catvcube you off guard, atsumu’s hand reached your waist as he suddenly pulled you onto the bed on top of him where he held your hips firmly in place. “but ya knew that already, didn’t ya?” a smirk crept on on his face as you felt your cheeks warm up.

you didn’t know how to reply. should you confess to your knowledge of his account? should you keep feigning ignorance? you weren’t too sure but your boyfriends grip on you told you he was going to get the responses he wanted one way or another. his fingers began moving as you felt the familiar feeling of your boyfriends persistence begin. you squirmed on top of him as he bang tickling your sides.

“admit it, ya knew i had another instagram.” he demanded, smirk still present on his face. your laughs filled the room as atsumu’s heart filled with joy. “n-no!” you continued ignorance as you felt your body begin to ache from the constant distraction of atsumu’s fingers. “liar!” he whined as he showed no mercy.

tears began streaming down your face as your stomach began to hurt. giving in you held your hands up and tried to catch your breath. “o-okay! okay t-tsumu i-i knew!” you sighed in relief as atsumu’s movements came to a halt, an embarrassed smile now taking form on his face.

“it was an accident though, you left it open when you gave me your phone one time and i, well i saw.” you admitted, heat rising to your face once more.

atsumu bit the inside of his cheek as he turned away a little, bashfulness building up. “ya don’t think... it’s weird... do ya?” he queered, eyes averting from your own.

dismissing his insecurity you gasped and shook your head profusely. “no, no, no! tsumu, no it’s not weird! i actually think... it’s kinda cute.” your voice genuine threaded with the thinnest thread of embarrassment yourself. to have someone love you as much as atsumu did, you were bound to get a little flustered sometimes. he was good at doing that.

“ya sure? cause i can delete it if you-“

“-atsumu. i love you. it’s not weird.” you cupped the sides of his face as he stared up at you with adoration. his love grew for you by the second. the lengths he had gone to in attempts to cover his social activity seemed stupid now. there was never a need to hide it from you. this was just his love language and now he felt bad from depriving you of hearing it.

“sorry.” he muttered, calloused hand reaching up to interlock with one of your own resting on his face. you smiled as shook your head. “no, i’m sorry for intruding on your personal things. i should’ve closed it down myself.” you assured him as his eyes twinkled, his love for you forever expanding.

lowering yourself so you were pressed against his chest, you pressed your lips upon atsumu’s warm ones as he melted into your touch. only you had this effect on him. nobody else ever able to compare to the way you made him feel. you were the only one with the key to the cage of butterflies situated inside of him, unlocked whenever you were around him. the feeling of his heart glowing only ever occurred when you were involved. you quite literally made him brighter. his smile wider and crinkles under his eyes more prominent. miya atsumu was hopeless when it came to you.

pulling away, atsumu sighed as he rested a hand against your cheek, thumb lovingly swiping over your cheekbone.

“i love ya.” he confirmed, nothing but genuine and raw love evident in his tone.

“i love you too tsumu.” you replied softly, the same adoration he held for you clear in your own eyes.

you stayed like that just for a few moments, the feeling of natural but solid love blanketing over the two of you as your boyfriend held you tighter in his arms, his whole world exactly where he needed it to be.

“i’d love you even more if you let me be your second follower though.” you spoke up cheekily, a grin creeping up on your face.

and how was atsumu’s supposed to say no when you looked like that?

general taglist → @atsumuwoah @bloody-bella @bbymilkbread @miracleboy420 @doggonudez @tsumue @peteunderoos @tsukkisbean @saturnfarie @dear-kozume @zumisace @boosyboo9206 @totorosleaff @27kei @dai-tsukki-desu @angrylittleriri @dearestmegumi @kuxredere @warakou @iss6s @lovinnoya @sophiashortcake @wompwomphq @waitforitillwritemywayout @webworld @brokeasshoee @sunasbabie @rowley-with-ackerman

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