#i feel like i've repeated myself five times so i'll stop talking now

[bookshelf-in-progress]

How many times do I have to learn the lesson that I should start the story when the story starts instead of trying to tack on introductory worldbuilding?

Seriously. My instincts about when to start the story are almost never wrong. But I always assume the first scene in my imagination requires set-up that people outside of my imagination don't have. So I tack on an intro to set the mood and to set up the plot and characters and world. And it's boring. When I should have just started where I wanted to start so I could weave explanations into a scene where things are actually happening.

[coleramse]

the tortured poets department. songs one through five.

i was supposed to be sent away.

they forgot to come and get me.

i was a functioning alcoholic.

i hope you're okay.

you're the reason, and no one's here to blame.

what about your quiet treason?

we were forever running.

sometimes you ask about the weather.

your wife waters flowers.

i want to kill her/him.

all my mornings are monday stuck in endless februrary.

i took the miracle 'move on' drug. the effects were temporary.

i love you, it's ruining my life.

i touched you only for a fortnight.

but i touched you.

my husband is cheating.

i called you up, but you won't pick up.

i think some things i never say.

who uses typewriters anyway?

you're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down the road.

i've seen this episode and still love the show.

who else decodes you?

who's gonna hold you, if not me?

who's gonna know you, if not me?

i scratch your head, you fall asleep.

i've read this one where you come undone.

i chose this cyclone with you.

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me.

you told lucy you'd kill yourself if i ever leave.

i felt seen.

everyone we know understands why it's meant to be. because we're crazy.

that's the closest i've come to my heart exploding.

here we go again.

you should've seen him when he first got me.

my boy only breaks his favorite toys.

i'm the queen of sand castles he destroys.

it fit too right, puzzle pieces in the dead of night.

i should have known it was a matter of time.

there was a litany of reasons why we could've played for keeps this time.

i know i'm just repeating myself.

pull the string, and i'll tell you that he runs because he loves me.

he saw forever so he smashed it up.

once i fix me, he's gonna miss me.

he was my best friend.

i felt more when we played pretend.

told me i'm better off. but i'm not.

tell me i was the chosen one.

showed me that this world is bigger than us, then sent me back where i came from.

for a moment i knew cosmic love.

now i'm down bad, crying at the gym.

everything comes out teenage petulance.

fuck it if i can't have him.

i might just die, it would make no difference.

fuck it if i can't have us.

i might just not get up.

i might stay down.

did you take all my old clothes?

that somehow seems so hollow now.

they'll say i'm nuts if i talk about the existence of you.

for a moment, i was heaven struck.

i loved your hostile take-overs.

how dare you say that it's-?

i'll build you a fort on some planet where they can all understand it.

how dare you think it's romantic, leaving me safe and stranded?

fuck it, i was in love.

so fuck you, if i can't have us.

like i lost my twin.

i saw in my mind ferry lights through the mist.

i kept calm and carried the weight of the rift.

pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away.

my spine split from carrying us up the hell.

i stopped trying to make him laugh.

how much sad did you think i had in me?

so long, london.

you'll find someone.

i didn't opt in to be your odd man out.

i founded the club she's heard great things about.

i left all i knew.

you left me at the house by the heath.

i stopped cpr. after all, it's no use.

the spirit was gone.

i'm pissed off you let me give all that youth for free.

i'll find someone.

you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it.

my friends said it isn't right to be scared.

every breath feels like the rarest air when you're not sure if he wants to be there.

how much tragedy did you think i had in me?

how long did you think i'd go before i'd self-implode?

how long did you think i'd go before i'd have to go be free?

you swore you loved me, but where were the clues?

i died on the altar waiting for the proof.

you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days.

i'm just getting color back into my face.

i'm just mad 'cause i loved this place for so long.

had a good run, a moment of warm sun.

i'm not the one.

two graves, one gun.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

I've come to ask something from you bc I kinda see you as a mom on Tumblr (and I mean that in the most respectful, honorable way) just bc your fics are top tier quality and I just think you're so fucking cool.

I'm a writer myself, I have over 1k followers (I know it's not much) my top post has almost 2k notes, I have more than I think 3 posts over 1k notes (not boasting this is genuinely with a purpose) but all my latest fics don't go over say like 200 notes. I've tried softer fics, more smutty fics, more thorough, less thorough, I've changed the way I write and still nothing gets me as many likes as I used to get before. So now I'm thinking I was just a one hit wonder?

I even stopped posting and only dropped fics every now and then bc I thought I was annoying people and that's why my likes dropped? But I gain like over 10 followers a day so I really don't understand.

Basically what I'm saying is, I've been considering leaving Tumblr bc of this, because I just feel like I've gotten too greedy and 200 notes isn't enough, I want more like I used to get. I've even become fearful of requests bc I constantly think is this one even gonna make it. I'm talking about spending 7 hours on a fic just for it to get like 50 likes, that's devastating and fucking heart wrecking. I have writers block because I just repeat to myself that it won't even make it so what's the point.

So I've come to ask for your advice, to ask if you think I should push through, or leave, or what should I do bc I just don't know anymore. I'm sorry for the lengthy message I've just been needing advice and I couldn't think of a better person to ask than you.

Thank you for taking the time 💕

not you calling me a mum and cool, pls skdjfskdfjhsfd i'm warm.

okay, first of, i'd like to say 1k followers is a lot ! at least in my perspective. when you imagine how 1k people look like in a room it's certainly a lot hahah. if it eases your mind, i'll tell you that our numbers are pretty similar, at least the ones you described.

with that being said... here's what i think, and it might not really be what you want to hear. mind you, this is 100% just my opinion, and how i personally view this hobby of writing fanfiction. other people might have different opinions to mine, yourself included, and that's fine...

if you're writing with numbers in mind, you'll never be satisfied with anything you do. whenever you set a target audience for your writing that isn't yourself, you start losing the joy. it all becomes a spiral of 'is this good enough?' 'what if this doesn't gather an XYZ amount of notes?' rather than what the story really is about.

notes never ever determine how good a story is. i've seen stories with notes around the five digits that i personally didn't find particularly enjoyable, whereas stories i absolutely adored and made me feel a plethora of emotions still sit within the three digits. it's all subjective, and also a bit of luck. sometimes all it takes is a blog with a moderately sized following to reblog your story on main for that story to blow up, really.

if you're writing solely for the validation that notes can bring you, that's valid, it's fine, but it's, in my opinion, something that is bound to make you question your own passion (like it seems to be happening to you right now). it's a completely volatile and unreliable source of energy, and the moment it starts wavering, it all feels worthless (even when it isn't).

which is why i, personally, write because i just... feel like it. i want to read the stories that pop up in my head, it's why i always mention the 'little lizard' in my brain, because i genuinely just work on what i want to work on and that's it. it's also why my creative process doesn't work for "requests". if someone requests something that doesn't immediately spark my interest, i won't be able to fulfil it, so i'll be both bummed out by that fact, and the fact that i can't give the person what they requested in the first place.

ultimately, i'll write stories even if i don't post them, because i enjoy them. i enjoy doing this. i choose to share them with the world, and if there's people out there that enjoy them, too, that's great, it's amazing! and if a story isn't particularly popular, that's okay, too. it was written for me, and i loved it, so i already feel accomplished.

all this to say, my advice to you is that you sit back and start thinking about why you're doing this.

writing takes time, takes energy, and if you're doing it for anything other than the pleasure of writing and reading the story yourself, it's gonna weigh heavily on you. creativity isn't something that can be forced. so, if you force yourself to write something just because of the numbers it might bring, you're already setting yourself for heartbreak when the engagement you receive isn't the one you expected (because it's never enough. when you spend hours working on something you feel like you deserve a million notes, and you do, but it's not how this platform works, unfortunately). you'll end up just resenting the hobby in general, and burning yourself out because you're forcing yourself to write even if you don't feel like it, just because you want to see the numbers grow.

whenever i feel too tired, too overwhelmed, and too insecure about my work, i try to take a step back and give myself grace. i went on hiatus a while ago because i was starting to obsess over the numbers too much, and that time away made me realise all the things i said above. numbers aren't a direct reflection of your work, nor your worthiness as a writer, you know?

i'm not sure if this will be helpful to you or not, i genuinely hope it is. just know that if you feel like it, my DMs are open if you want to talk about this further (:

[aleshakills]

re trans man anon; yeah, that's fair enough.

i don't know if i'd say that the different ways transphobia presents are merely "set dressing" but i understand what you mean about transandrophobia guys denying the more complex roots of the issue so they can cut trans women out of the conversation. i also agree that it isn't its own axis of oppression. it just feels dismissive when people argue trans men face "just transphobia" as if transphobia isn't deadly and dangerous on its own. eh, i can get over it.

transandrophobia guys do this thing where they treat trans women like garbage, deny the existence of transmisogyny, and then go ":( but why don't the mean scary trans women care about my problems too?" it's not that trans men don't have problems, it's that like. listening and solidarity has to be a two way process. it's gotta be collaborative. you can't tell trans women to shut up and get mad when they aren't inclined to listen to you yknow

i think trans guys are more inclined to think being demonized is cool but much more sensitive to feeling like they're being dismissed. i know that at least for me, i sometimes find myself in a position that's like g-d, call me a monster, call me crazy, call me terrible, just stop trying to convince me that i don't exist. and i often find the opposite sentiment from the trans women i know.

hm. much to talk about, and unfortunately few conversations are possible until certain parties get their heads out of their asses. anyway, thanks for the thoughtful response, sorry for rambling. well wishes to you and your loved ones.

See, I do sincerely and genuinely believe that everyone is entitled to their feelings. Which does sound a bit silly to say, but I do mean it. And we should each have the space to talk about the things that make us feel sad or angry or small.

The breakdown I see most often is when trans women say, "Please don't talk over us or be dismissive of our lived experiences," certain individuals choose to interpret it as "Oh, you just want us to shut up and never talk about what we go through!"

And like, after you've had that interaction five hundred times, eventually you just start telling dudes, "Actually yeah, shut up. I am tired of hearing you."

So yeah, the conversation isn't happening in part because a lot of us are just sick of rehashing the same shit over and over again. Cause even if it feels brand new for some of you, I've been in this shit for 11 years now, hearing the same discourse on repeat. I'll join in when there's a new conversation about something different.

[actualhumansunshine]

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?? Fingers crossed that this makes it to your inbox.

I’m a few hours early, but wanted to make sure I wished you a “Happy Birthday!” I hope you are doing well and your 32nd trip around the sun is a memorable one. Were you able to see Niall while he was on tour? Did you get to have your gooey cake (can’t remember what you call it, but you poke holes in the cake and then pour condensed milk, I think, over the holes)? I think I remember reading about this in one of your posts/in your tags. Gosh I miss reading your tags on things 😭 Anyway, let’s get to the real reason why I’m here. 1.) something you learned the last year

2.) something you regret

3.) something you wish someone had told you

4.) what do you want to be when you grow up

5.) a song you heard that you love

Hoping you spend your day doing something fun and you are content (or feeling however you wish - hey maybe you want to be sad and that’s ok). Thinking of you. 🥳

HELLO!!!! before we get into the rest of it i just want to say how much i appreciate you showing up every single year, and that goes doubly so now when i've been more mia than not 😭

unfortunately i wasn't able to see niall on tour (the downsides of living in buttfuck nowhere 😔), but rand and gwen sent me some really lovely videos when they went to the MSG shows so i almost feel like i DID see him.

and you remembered the cake too omg!! you're right, you pour condensed milk and caramel over it, then top with whipped cream. it's SO fucking good. this year tho, i decided to get an oreo blizzard ice cream cake from dairy queen and it was fucking delicious.

anyways onto the questions:

i don't exactly know how to phrase this as 'something i learned' but i feel like my biggest takeaway from the past year is that i finally feel like at the big ol' age of 31 going on 32 i'm like....coming into myself? figuring out who i am and what i like and how i want to spend my time and who i want to surround myself with and all of that. so maybe the thing i've learned is that what everybody says about your 30s being the time when you REALLY get to enjoy life as a fully realized human is actually true.

this isn't a cop out i swear, but i....don't think i have a regret from the past year? at least not anything major that really stands out rn? there's maybe a fleeting thought every once in a while that i wish i could've gotten to this part of my life where i really do feel so happy and fulfilled sooner, but i don't know that it's necessarily a regret because ultimately isn't it the journey that makes us who we are...

oh god, i really am just gonna be repeating myself from the past however many fucking years but GENUINELY it's ok to not have everything figured out!!! the day will come when it starts falling into place and up until that point it kinda fucking sucks but that's ok!!!! again, it's all just part of the journey 💕

honestly i LOVE that job i'm in right now so if i could just do that...i'd be so down (and yes it is the same job i talked about last year lol)

and once again, as per usual, you fucking know me and you know that i could never share just ONE song, so here's a top five of the year:

charlie xcx - von dutch (literally THEEE gym song of all time)

zach bryan - the good i'll do

tyler childers - all your'n

artic monkeys - stop the world i wanna get off with you

sabrina carpenter - bed chem (i know it just came out two days ago but i've listened approximately 5 bazillion times, song of all time, album of all time, artist of all time, HORNY QUEEN 👑🫶)

[fury-too-damn-late]

i go through the five stages of grief when people don't text me back.

like in my mind you've deleted yourself from my life

and i'm left scrambling to see whether i can get you to undelete yourself from my life.

for example these are the thoughts i go through; also these are all in my head as i have quiet bpd so the other person has No IdEa i feel this way towards them, which is i guess even more unhealthy

denial: they'll get back to me soon, they wouldn't do that, maybe they're busy

anger: fuck you why aren't you replying? do you fucking know how conversations work? how could you say we're friends when you can't even be bothered to respond. fuck you. why'd you disappear like that without a warning? do i mean nothing to you

Bargaining: maybe if i spam text them they'll eventually reply. maybe if i stop texting them and give them space maybe they'll reply. idk which one to do. next time they text me maybe i'll make them wait 3 days too so they can see how it feels. (doesn't do that) maybe if i asked more questions and talked about myself less they wouldn't have left me on sent for 3 fucking days. why would they do this? are they dead? what if they died and i didn't know? maybe that's why they haven't replied.

depression: it doesn't matter, i knew this would happen. everyone always leaves. why do i even try. maybe i should just die i was a fool to think we were friends and believe they liked me. i'm too tired to care anymore. i don't want to talk to people ever again and hide forever. everyone can tell i suck at it. and people hate being around me because all i do is talk about myself. i feel so lonely and empty. please come back i'm sorry. idk what i've done but i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

acceptance: they're never going to reply. guess i'll have to move on now bye bye. i enjoyed our time together even if you didn't. and find someone else to repeat this endless cycle of fucking up yayy.

and then they text you

and suddenly this whole thing doesn't matter but you go through it all again next week when they do the same thing.

but question for the borderlines and also the non-borderline people out there

if someone leaves you on sent for 3 days... after disappearing mid conversation, what would you think happened?

like selfishly idk if holding out for this person is worth it or not.

[airiat]

How was your job traumatizing you?

i was a mental health technician at an inpatient psych hospital for over a year, working with kids aged 12-17. it was a last resort kind of place in that they would take all the people with such severe behavioral issues that the other hospitals would refuse to admit them, chiefly manifesting in aggression. additionally, it was a hospital that takes kids under the care of dcfs, so there would be some who came from horrific backgrounds with a tremendous amount of trauma.

as a mht, i was responsible for meeting their basic needs, managing the milieu, and providing therapeutic programming for damn near 8 hours straight. nobody was with these kids for more time than the mhts were, yet we were the lowest on the totem pole. but i won't even talk about the shitty politics of that hospital.

if you're reading this and you've been in a hospital like this, and your experience still hurts you, i probably would stop reading here.

my own trauma was just simply spending a year around kids who mostly wanted nothing more than to be dead. i have had my own mental health issues, especially as a teenager, and i know that if i did not have as supportive of a family as i did, my outcome would have been just the same. it was knowing that, seeing them, knowing that all they probably needed was a family, and being able to do nothing much for them. it wears on you.

i've had some really good moments there. there are few other places where someone is going to be so boundlessly happy to see you walk through the door, who is going to tell you that you're their favorite person. nor are there many places where you can work and see directly what good your efforts are doing. i can sit there and tell a kid that yes you have been hurt in the past and people are cruel and dangerous sometimes but i will never, ever hurt you and i can be proof that you are deserving of kindness. i was a really, really good staff. i was. never, in my whole year, did i ever stop giving everything i had to those kids. but a year, in this job, is a very, very long time.

i've had some unfathomably difficult moments there. i was never the brunt of aggression, no. i mean, i was screamed at, sure. "you're a bitch", "you make me want to kill myself" (because i wouldn't let her into her room), "fuck you, stupid cunt." okay. whatever.

it's this:

i'm sitting on the floor of a hallway with this girl. she's been here five months because she is such a danger to herself that she can't go anywhere else. no one or nowhere will take her. she grabs plastic utensils and breaks them into pieces to hide in her bra to self-harm with later. we're sitting here. she's got a sliver of a spoon, and she's scraping at her arm, adding to skin that's more scabs and scars than untouched. she's sobbing because she has no home to go back to when she can finally leave. her mom died of an overdose, her dad's gone, her grandma is abusive. took a knife and cut her arms because "oh, so you wanna cut yourself now? here, i'll do it for you"

i can't make her stop hurting herself. she's not herself when she's like this. she's a cracked shell. if i try to get in her way, she'll hurt me, too. i'm sitting here with her. i'm trying to tell her that all we have to do is get through this moment. it won't last forever. i've had my hand on her shoulder for so long that i can't feel either thing anymore. there's a puddle of blood underneath her arm. with another scrape of the broken spoon, a chunk of skin falls into it. "i just want to go home." she's repeating it over and over. i'm sobbing too. i'll hear her pain for years and years. maybe i'll never stop hearing it.

anyway, i don't even really want to be a therapist anymore. it seems like it'd be futile. i'm tired. working this job has changed me irrevocably. but at least i'm really fucking good at public speaking now

thanks for allowing me a reason to type this all out

[helloalycia]

my patient’s neighbour [one] // wanda maximoff

summary: whilst caring for a new patient of yours, you definitely didn't expect to fall for her cute neighbour, Wanda Maximoff

warning/s: very minor mentions of injuries and death

author's note: okay so firstly, buckle in, folks, this is gonna be like 6 parts long lol. Also, I google translated all the Russian bits so i apologise if they are incorrect! okay, you may enjoy now :)

part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | masterlist | wattpad

"38... 38... 38..."

I scanned the doors to the many apartments in the hall, hoping to find the one that belonged to my newest patient – Anna Pivec. As a nurse, I was always given new patients to visit and tend to until they no longer needed it or chose not to have me around. I'd just been assigned a new patient, Anna, and was excited to meet her.

"38!" I said to myself, spotting the door at the end of the hallway. I knocked on before waiting patiently, hoping she wasn't sleeping or anything. It wasn't too early – 10AM – and she knew I was coming, so finger's crossed.

The door opened to reveal a short, old lady with grey hair and a cane in her hand. I smiled kindly, meeting her cloudy gaze.

"You must be the one my granddaughter is paying to look after me because she can't do it herself," the woman spoke before I could introduce myself. Stepping to the side, she motioned with her cane. "Come on in."

My smile dropped at her abruptness. "I, er, yeah, I guess that's me." As I walked in, I said, "My name is Y/N Y/L/N. The nurse from–"

"Yeah, I know where you're from," she cut me off, closing the door and heading further into her apartment. "They sent me a brochure, milaya."

I followed after her, surprised at how quick she was for an old lady with back and heart problems. She was leading me into the open plan living-room and kitchen.

"I'm sorry – milaya? What does that mean?" I asked politely, hoping I didn't come across as rude.

She waved her hand dismissively, mumbling something to herself in what I think was Russian. Her profile did say she was from Sokovia, so maybe that was it.

"Okay, erm, well, as I said," I changed the subject, figuring she wouldn't give me an answer, "I'm Y/N. I'll be here five times a week and basically be doing anything you need me to do. Of course, I only want you to be comfortable in your own home, so if you ever feel anything but, please let me know."

She hummed in acknowledgement before motioning for me to follow her. I set my bag on the kitchen counter before sitting on the couch as she did so on the recliner. She sighed with content as the pain on her back was eased from taking a seat.

"Tell me about yourself," she said gently.

I smiled with amusement. "That's usually what I ask my patients."

"Do forgive me, milaya," she said, and I made a mental note to bring a Russian-English dictionary with me tomorrow, "but you're a stranger in my home. I'd prefer to know about you before I let you take care of me."

I nodded, slightly impressed. Her profile didn't do her justice. Usually, the elderly I cared for were quick to allow me to do my thing, never really questioning who I was or what my intentions were. I was starting to get the impression that Anna was a strong, stubborn woman in a little old lady's body – definitely not one to mess around with.

"Okay, well, I'm a nurse," I began with the basics, and from there, went into a long ramble about my job, how I got into it, what it consisted of...

Anna was full of questions, taking the time to get to know me and I her. Once I had told her everything I could think to, she told me about her life. How she lived in Sokovia up until she was thirty-five years old and had to flee with her husband and daughter because of the war. She gushed about the both of them, a twinkle in her eye as she recalled their livelihoods like they were still alive. Her husband had unfortunately passed many years ago due to liver problems – "All that drinking, milaya! Us Sokovians are a force to be reckoned with!" – and her daughter had passed in a car accident not long after.

It was a tragic tale, but she didn't let it bring her down. In fact, she seemed grateful to have lived it and I couldn't help but smile as she shared it with me.

I noticed she would speak short phrases in Russian mid-conversation, without realising, which didn't make it easier for me to understand, but I couldn't bring it in myself to interrupt her to ask what they meant because she said it with such sincerity that I figured it reminded her of her home.

After our conversation, I made her lunch and gave her her medication before watching some TV with her and pretty much talking to her once again. She was quite an interesting woman, different to my usual patients, and I was enjoying our time together. After spending the day there, I wished her a good night before leaving.

When I returned the next morning, I let myself in with the key Anna gave me and called out a good morning.

"In here!" an unfamiliar female voice called out.

I furrowed my brows as I took off my jacket and headed into the living-area. Anna was sat in her recliner as usual, but she had a guest sat on her couch. A young woman, possibly my age, with long dark hair and a friendly smile on her lips was sat comfortably; she had a cup of tea in her hands and her legs pulled up on the couch like she lived there.

The stranger and Anna exchanged words in Russian briefly before the former stood up, about to introduce herself.

"Oh, are you her granddaughter?" I asked, putting two and two together. It was the only explanation I could think of for how comfortable she was and the fact that she was also Sokovian (I assumed, anyway).

The girl laughed, her green eyes sparkling as she shook her head. Putting out her hand, she said, "I'm Wanda Maximoff. Anna's neighbour."

Slightly embarrassed by my mistake, I smiled awkwardly and shook her hand. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have– I just thought because you were speaking Russian that–"

"It's fine, no harm no foul," she put me at ease quickly, before taking her seat again. "I've lived next door to Anna for about a year now. Sometimes I keep her company on my days off."

I set my bag on the floor before taking a seat on the couch, leaving a gap between Wanda and I.

"That's nice," I said with a smile before looking to Anna. "How are you feeling this morning, Mrs Pivec?"

She sighed, waving her hand dismissively, before saying something to Wanda in Russian who was listening intently. Nodding her head, Wanda looked to me with amusement.

"What did she say?" I asked, quirking a brow.

"She said she told you to stop calling her Mrs Pivec yesterday," Wanda translated, trying not to laugh.

"Just call me Anna, Y/N," Anna added with a nod. "And I'm fine. Just had breakfast with Wanda here."

"Breakfast," I repeated slowly. "How long ago was that? Just gotta make sure you get your meds."

"Shoot, am I doing your job?" Wanda asked, slightly panicked.

"No, no, you're not." I laughed at the way she scrunched her nose. "I mean, it would help if I could have breakfast with Miss– Anna, so I know when she has her medication. But it's all good."

"Are you sure? I can leave if I'm in the way," Wanda said with a frown.

"No need," I reassured her. "If Anna doesn't mind your presence, it's all good. I'm just here to look after her, clean up, make sure she eats, has her meds."

Wanda looked to Anna, who seemed unbothered by her presence.

"She can stay," Anna said with a shrug. "Makes it feel less like I'm a pet."

I opened my mouth to say something, possibly make her feel better, but I wasn't sure what to say.

"Don't mind her," Wanda reassured, giving Anna a knowing look before shooting me an easygoing smile. "She tends to speak her mind exactly as it is. No filter whatsoever. And very stubborn. You may have noticed."

I cracked a smile, feeling better knowing that it wasn't just me who noticed Anna's unique personality traits.

"Hey, that stubbornness and lack of filter is exactly how I beat my husband and his friends in every poker game back home," Anna said with a playful smirk.

Wanda and I chuckled, before the brunette leaned on the couch comfortably and looked to me.

"We finished breakfast, maybe, ten minutes ago? I made us eggs and toast," she answered my question from earlier.

I hummed before getting up with my bag and heading to the kitchen. Setting my bag on the counter, I grabbed my diary and also Anna's medication from its place on the kitchen counter.

"I'll give you your medicine now, Anna," I told her, already grabbing a glass of water for her.

"Thank you, milaya," she called back, and I spun around, immediately going to get my Russian-English dictionary from my bag. "Wait, I know what that is!" I flicked through the pages and scanned it eagerly. "Milaya... milaya... milaya! Okay, it means... sweetie."

"Sweetie," Wanda said at the same time, and I looked up to see her watching me from behind her cup of tea, trying not to laugh again.

"I guess another perk of your presence is being the translator," I said sheepishly, realising just how eager I was a second ago. "Anna likes to speak Russian a lot, which I'm fine with of course, but..." I waved the dictionary in the air.

"It's funny watching tvoye lichiko, milaya," Anna said with that same mischievous smirk on her face.

I looked down to my dictionary, struggling to pinpoint a single word in her sentence that I could search. It was overwhelming, the words going in one ear and out the other.

"She said it's funny watching your little face, sweetie," Wanda translated upon seeing my frozen state.

I relaxed my shoulders. "Thanks." Then I realised what she said. "Hey!"

Anna laughed as Wanda grinned, and I was suddenly glad she was here. I grabbed Anna's meds with a glass of water before giving them to her. After making sure she swallowed them properly, I put the glass to the side and took a seat on the couch again.

"So, you said you visited Anna on your days off?" I asked Wanda, intrigued by why a neighbour would be so interested in another. It wasn't very common in today's day and age.

"She's almost always here," Anna answered before Wanda could speak. I looked to her as she continued with a grateful smile. "Helps me with everything. Groceries, cleaning, my medication."

"So basically me but unpaid," I joked, and Anna laughed.

"Exactly," she agreed, and I looked to Wanda to see her blushing, eyes avoiding mine.

"That's really sweet," I said gently, earning her attention. "You're a really good neighbour, Wanda."

Wanda ran a hand through her hair. "It's nothing. If anything, I enjoy being here. Anna reminds me of Sokovia and my family and, well, home."

"Oh, so you're Sokovian, too?"

She nodded before smiling playfully. "Did the accent not give it away?"

I hid a smile. "I didn't want to assume. I mean, you could've been Czech. Slovakian. Basically anything else."

"Okay, I'll give you that," she gave in, tilting her head to the side, smile widening.

It was then that I learnt her smile was extremely contagious.

Same as yesterday, my plan was to stay the day with Anna, though this time Wanda also kept her company (and me, too). After lunch, I left the two of them to watch some TV as I excused myself to change Anna's bedsheets in her room, ready for bed tonight.

As I was doing so, I heard the door open and glanced over my shoulder to see Wanda entering the room. I gave her a smile before continuing to replace the pillowcase.

"Here, I can help," she offered, and didn't give me chance to decline as she grabbed the pillow on the other side of the bed and began to change its case.

"You sure? You know it's my job, right?" I teased, looking up at her over the bed between us.

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I'm aware. Just thought I'd make it a bit easier for you."

I chuckled. "Well, I appreciate it... how is Anna?"

"Dozed off," Wanda quipped with an expectant nod. "Same time every day. Like clockwork."

"Huh." I thought back to yesterday and how she ended up taking a nap after lunch, too. "Noted. Thanks."

Wanda smiled before putting the pillowcase on the pillow and puffing it with her hands. I did the same, content with its appearance, before moving to the duvet. Wordlessly, Wanda grabbed one end and began to help me put it on, which I appreciated. The duvet was bigger than I was and definitely a two-person job.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" I spoke out of the blue as we were putting on the duvet cover.

"Go for it," she said encouragingly, glancing sideways.

"Of course, you don't have to answer, but I thought I'd ask since I'm going to be looking after Anna for a while," I gave a little disclaimer, before saying, "She makes a lot of snide remarks about her granddaughter. Do they not get along?"

Wanda sighed quietly. "Her granddaughter doesn't really visit her here. She rarely calls."

"Her daughter's kid?"

"The only one," Wanda confirmed. "She keeps her distance, ever since her mum – Anna's daughter – passed. She just pays for, well, you."

I frowned. "That's sad."

"Yeah," Wanda agreed, breathing out.

The two of us spread the duvet over the double bed before I looked to her with a small smile.

"At least she has you," I pointed out. "It's nice you give up your free time to spend it with her."

"Like I said, it's good for me, too," she reminded me, returning the smile.

"So what do you do when you're not here keeping her company?" I asked curiously, moving to Anna's bedside to clear it up a little.

Wanda hid her smile behind a look of confusion. "Do you not– don't you recognise me?"

I quirked a brow, pausing my actions. "Am I supposed to?"

She snickered, shaking her head, eyes falling to the bed with mild disbelief. "I mean, I guess not. I'm–" She chuckled, looking to my confused face. "I'm one of the Avengers."

I studied her, her words not quite settling in. But when they did, I realised I actually recognised her and she was one of the Avengers.

"Oh my God!" I blurted, the penny finally dropping. "The one with the weird red energy powers! I mean– not weird but– the magic!"

She stifled laughter, nodding her head. Just like her smile, her laughter was contagious, too.

"Yeah, that's me," she confirmed.

I made a weird motion with my free hand, like I'd seen her do on TV when saving the day. "Does Anna know about your y'know?"

Wanda crossed her arms, raising a brow and watching me with a humoured gaze. "Is that supposed to be my powers?"

I stopped making the motion and felt my neck heating up. "I– yeah."

Laughter spilled from her lips yet again, automatically making me smile. I didn't mind that I'd made a fool of myself all of a sudden.

"Anna knows, yes," Wanda said with a bright smile. "She actually recognised me straight away. Much quicker than you. And she's eighty."

Waving my hand to distract from my flushed cheeks, I said, "Pfft, she probably confused you with someone else and played along when you told her who you were."

"Yeah, I'm sure that was it, ty milyy maneken," she retorted with her piercing gaze.

"No fair, my dictionary is in the other room," I said with a pout, and she only laughed even more.

"Guess you'll never know," she teased with a smirk, making me roll my eyes to distract from the way it made me feel when she stared at me like that.

It was much later on when I learnt that she had called me 'a cute dummy'. And that was the beautiful start to Wanda and I's introduction into each other's lives.

—

From then onwards, about eighty percent of the time I would go to care for Anna, Wanda was present, too and I didn't mind one bit. Not only did she keep Anna company, but she made my job a lot easier whilst keeping me company as well.

I was beginning to look forward to seeing her whenever I would open the door. Whether she was cleaning something up, playing board games with Anna or simply having a tidy up around the apartment, she'd always stop what she was doing and help me with whatever was in my hands as she greeted me at the door. It was adorable. She was adorable.

The few times she wasn't present because of work only made me miss her, the apartment feeling emptier than usual. Even Anna agreed, the two of us making up for the lack of the Sokovian girl's presence by distracting ourselves with other activities.

I was convinced Anna was warming up to me as she freely let me care for her without resistance. Obviously, she wouldn't be Anna if she didn't throw funny remarks my way or speak to me in Russian, knowing I didn't understand her, but it was tolerable. And I was liking her, too; she was easily becoming one of the best patients I cared for. There was just so much personality to her that I couldn't help but smile whenever I spoke to her.

One time, I was helping Anna out at her place when Wanda wasn't present. I was leading her into her bed when I decided now was a better time than ever to ask her about her birthday on Sunday, which I knew was then because of her file.

"So, I'll be seeing you in two days next," I told her as I pulled the duvet over her. "And a little birdie told me it's your birthday then. Eighty-one, Anna! That's amazing!"

She smiled but seemed embarrassed that I knew.

"Tell me what you want and I can make it happen," I said promisingly, smiling down at her.

She waved her hand. "I don't want anything, milaya (sweetie). Your presence is enough."

I chuckled. "As sweet as that is, I know everybody wants something for their birthday. Now please, Anna. What can I do to make the day a bit more special?"

She pondered my question momentarily and I waited for her to speak, hoping it was something doable.

"I would love to have a traditional Sokovian meal," she said reluctantly. "It's been a long time."

I breathed out quietly, patting her hand gently. "I can do that, Anna. Don't you worry."

She smiled genuinely, before shooing me away. "Okay, enough sappiness, ty mozhesh' uyti seychas (you can leave now)."

I laughed, standing up and dusting my pants off. I only knew what that phrase meant because she said it almost every time before my shift ended and I left for the day. I knew she didn't mean it as harshly as it sounded.

"I'm going, I'm going," I said, already heading to the door. "I'll see you Sunday, birthday girl."

She groaned quietly, making me grin, before I double checked everything was okay in the living-area and grabbed my stuff to leave.

As easy of a request that it was, I knew absolutely nothing about cooking a traditional Sokovian meal. But I knew of one person who did and instantly headed to Wanda's apartment next door to see if she was home.

With a quick knock, I waited patiently. I wasn't sure if she was even home since she hadn't visited Anna today and she usually did so if she was. When I was beginning to think she wasn't, I told myself I could Google a recipe and put something together, but then the door opened and revealed a tired-looking Wanda.

"Y/N," she said with surprise, but a friendly smile was on her lips nonetheless.

"Hey, I'm so sorry to disturb you this late, but I wanted to ask– wait, what happened to your face?" I stopped speaking and lost my own smile when I noticed the faint scratches and bruises dusting her skin.

"Oh, it's nothing–" she started, raising her hand, fingers wavering over her head, but I cut her off.

"Shit, Wanda, what happened?" I reached out, taking her hand in mine and studying the cast that was around her wrist. Concerned frown on my lips, I glanced up at her. "Are you okay?"

"It's fine, Y/N," she tried to reassure, but I couldn't help it as my worry got the better of me and I studied the cuts on her cheek. "I just came back from a mission. Minor injuries. Honestly."

I let go of her hand, realising I was still holding it, and nodded slightly. "Right..." Realising she must have been exhausted, I awkwardly stepped back and shook my head with realisation. "Sorry, I should go. I didn't mean to bot–"

"You were saying something," she interrupted, nodding encouragingly. "You wanted to ask me something. What is it?"

I paused, nodding. Admittedly, I was still worried about the bruises on her forehead. I knew she was an Avenger and this was probably the norm for her, but to me, it looked like she'd just got mugged. And the irregularity of that worried me.

"Yeah, I was saying," I finally found my words, trying to ignore the way her tired eyes peered at me hopefully. "It's Anna's birthday on Sunday and she wants to have a traditional Sokovian meal to celebrate. The only problem is, I don't know what that is." Wanda cracked a smile as I continued. "Do you, maybe, have a recipe I could use?"

"Of course," she said before motioning for me to follow her. "Come on in."

I followed after her, closing the door behind me, and stopped at the kitchen counter patiently. As she searched for a notebook in her drawer, I subtly glanced around, taking in the inside of Wanda's apartment. I'd never actually been in it before, but the minimal décor was very her. She didn't have many knickknacks and everything on display served a purpose.

"There's some recipes in here," she said, grabbing my attention. She slid the notebook across the counter and leaned forward with a smile. "Take your pick."

I flicked through it briefly, smiling at the notebook filled with recipes, all in Wanda's neat, cursive handwriting.

"Thank you," I said gratefully, looking up and catching her staring.

She perked up, clearing her throat as she nodded in response before looking the other way. Cute.

"Are you working on Sunday?" I asked with a raised brow, before rolling my eyes playfully. "What am I saying? Of course you're not. Not with that wrist."

She chuckled, still avoiding my eyes. "I'm not."

"Well, why don't you come over for her birthday? You can help me cook her a meal. Or rather, I can help you cook it since I'll probably screw it up."

Finally meeting my eyes, she smiled with amusement. "Are you sure?"

I gave her a knowing look, ignoring the butterflies swirling in my stomach as she held my gaze with her intense dark eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. Anna will love to celebrate with you. And..." I pursed my lips, taking a leap of faith and adding, "and I'd love it, too."

Wanda let out a quiet laugh. "You would, would you?"

I straightened up, smile widening. "Yeah, I would."

She tilted her head, studying me with a curious smile. "Well then, I clearly can't say no."

Something stirred in my chest the longer she watched me and I oddly liked it. It was obvious that Wanda was a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, but I guess I hadn't really acknowledged that I may have had feelings for her until now. And I didn't mind one bit.

"Great," I finally found my words, nodding slightly. "I'll see you Sunday."

She mirrored my expression, saying, "See you Sunday," and I knew I couldn't wait until then.

[friendlyneighborhoodcapricorn]

hello hello lovely laurie, I've arrived finally to request something! again- I did request something before already, didn't I? well your writing is so wholesome and you're so talented that I cannot help myself but return for another ask~

would you write headcanons about dating my adorable sarcastic runner boy for me? I'm such a minho simp that it's grown into almost a problem.. but what a glorious character james created! honestly, how does anyone not fall to their knees when they catch even a glimpse of minho?? I don't think I'll ever be able to understand people like that-

I've written literal essays about how perfect this man is and I'm not even going to deny any word in them. he's a sassy little shit with way too much confidence - and the thing is that he's so right about it too! he's got every right to be such a pain in my ass and we all know that I'm just complaining about it because I'm totally playing his game

Oh my god, that’s too sweet, thank you <3

And of course you can have some Minho headcanons. You even get a gif, as a *drum rolls* gift! That was lame, I’ll see myself out lol.

Dating Minho headcanons

He wakes you up in the middle of the night and asks you to go for a walk around the Glade. He won’t let you go back to sleep until you say yes.

So there you two are, walking along the walls of the Glade in the dark, hoping you don’t break your neck tripping over a rock.

“Minho, why am I not sleeping peacefully in my warm bed right now?”

“Patience is a virtue, gorgeous.”

You repeat variations on the conversation above about five times, and you only stop asking because if you have to hear some sassy response again, you might actually knock him out and go back to bed.

But then you reach the entrance to the maze and he stops and sits down on the grass, gesturing for you to the same.

“You dragged me out of bed so we could come sit on wet grass?” you ask.

“Ssh. Just… give me a second okay.”

So you both sit in silence for a while.

It’s exceptionally quiet in the Glade; even the shifting stone of the maze is barely audible.

Even Newt, who’s known to wander the Glade at night to keep an eye on everyone, isn’t out tonight.

“Every day,” Minho starts then, “I go out there.”

“So I’ve noticed.”

“Can you please just let me talk?” he asks, rolling his eyes. “Okay, so I go out there every day to find a way out of this place. And you don’t want to know how many times I thought about just stopping. Just quitting the Runners. It’s been three years and we still haven’t found a way out. It’s hopeless, right?”

“Why haven’t you?”

“I was getting to that.”

That’s when you notice how nervous he seems. He’s fiddling with the hem of his shirt, not meeting your eyes.

“Minho, what’s going on?”

“I run that maze every day because of you.”

“Are you that scared of me?” you tease.

He grabs your hands. “(Y/N), please.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll shut up.”

“I go out there every day, not because I want to get out of here, but because I want to get you out of here. You deserve better than being trapped here.”

“Minho, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you’re the reason behind everything I do.”

And then he kisses you, short and sweet, because he knows it’ll be clearer than trying to explain his feelings.

“Not that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy that, but what was it for?”

Minho, regretting all his life decisions: “If you’re serious right now…”

“Kidding, kidding.”

He never actually asks you out, but after that kiss, you both know how the other feels, so it doesn’t feel weird that he never did.

Now that the two of you are actually together, Newt probably fears for his sanity lol.

Threatening him into not getting stuck in the maze.

“If you get stuck in there, I will climb that wall and kill you faster than any griever can.”

99% of your conversations consist of sarcastic back and forths.

In case you’re a Runner, you never run together. It would be too distracting and dangerous.

Dates in the Glade are a little hard, but Minho will occasionally take you up the lookout tower.

And sometimes, he’ll wake you up in the middle of the night for a walk around the moonlit Glade :)

Thank you for the request! I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you enjoy it despite me getting a little sidetracked lmao

[indigo-mayhem]

my symptoms

hi today i'm going to be talking about OCD and how it personally affects my life because fuck it sure does

NSFW warning because some of my obsessions are very uncomfortable (for me and probably for you too) and if you don't wanna read about that then uh. don't i guess. also tw for mentions of disordered(ish) eating and incest (sorry. it's my brain's fault)

so my obsessions can be, as i said, very uncomfortable. they include standard stuff like saying or doing something embarrassing, to engaging in... inappropriate contact with people i really should not be doing things like that with (i.e. family, teachers). it fucking sucks ass all the time and i hate it so much.

i also have numerical obsessions, especially when it comes to eating certain numbers of things or volume numbers. for example, i just can't eat four cookies. one, two, three, and five are all fine, but not four. i will ruminate on it for however long it takes me to have a fifth cookie because god knows i'm going to have to in order to stop thinking about it.

i know that my phone volume goes from zero to sixteen so i restrict myself to having my volume at one, two, three, five, eight, ten, twelve, thirteen, fifteen, or sixteen. four, eleven, and fourteen are okay i guess but not ideal. seven and nine are bad and i only have my volume on them if i feel that one lower is too quiet and one higher is too loud.

i get obsessions about mentally/emotionally harming people accidentally. i ruminate on how i can be the best person i can be and how not to offend anybody. it sounds kinda dumb but i really don't want to accidentally cause drama because i didn't know something. i don't want to say the wrong thing.

i also suffer from less common obsessions like existential obsessions. these are basically exactly what they sound like. i contemplate human existence, as well as my own, to an unhealthy and time consuming extent. it makes me feel worse about myself and my path in life as well, which is just awesome. it's like a 2-in-1 deal; spend a stupid amount of time thinking about something that's going to force you into even further depression. this is a more recently manifested obsession but it's totally kicking my ass.

now. my compulsions are more complicated because i don't have very clear ones. my most dramatic compulsion is trichotillomania, or hair pulling. it's left me with bald patches and it's really embarrassing to explain when someone asks why my hair is everywhere.

other compulsions that honestly might just be normal person things/not even ocd related:

i feel really uncomfortable if i use the bathroom without washing my hands, it's like my hands are contaminated and dry and i can't touch anything until i wash them. this one doesn't affect me that much because it's not hard for me to just wash my hands after using the bathroom. it's not inconvenient and it's not overly strange. it's probably just a normal person thing to be honest. i'm not too worried about this one.

sometimes i get phrases "stuck in my head" and i feel that i have to repeat them in my mind a certain amount of times. i also have a system where i use my thumb to "draw" on my palm, and i have to do it a certain amount of times. i will sometimes use my thumb to "write" the phrase that's in my head on my palm. i've been doing this for as long as i can remember, actually. it doesn't bother me that much but it's kind of distracting.

you could have probably guessed that i have numerical compulsions as well. when i look at the clock and it's a set of numbers that just feel right, i'm satisfied, but if it's not right, it'll bother me and i'll have to keep looking back at the clock until it is right. i'm not going to get into what makes a number feel right vs. wrong because my brain has come up with a stupidly complicated set of rules and exceptions that i don't think i could fully explain if i tried. and if i did, i'm sure i would sound insane.

another thing is writing and rewriting something over and over again until it's right. this is actually hella time consuming and frustrating, and why i greatly prefer typing to handwriting. the longer i look at something i've handwritten, the more i want to redo it until it's perfect. i remember having a little breakdown in 6th grade because i just kept erasing and rewriting and playing with the zipper on my pencil case, zipping and unzipping as fast as i could, trying to make the feeling go away.

i don't have neatness/cleanliness compulsions so my room is a shithole but i do have symmetry compulsions where i just,,, want everything to be symmetrical. pretty self explanatory.

that's pretty much all that i remember but i might make more parts to this because i want to destigmatize these symptoms and make people understand how big a part of me they are. i can't just... shut off my mental illness. i talk about it so often because it never goes away. i don't get to choose to stop feeling it, so it's hard to choose not to talk about it so much. maybe i'm just being weird. i dunno. don't judge me for this. i can't do much about it.

thanks for reading.

[reallybadfeeling]

My Obikin Playlist Masterpost

I'm gonna try to explain my reasoning, but you can give each song whatever interpretation you want. Also, use them however you want if any of them inspire you to make something creative.

(PS: Sorry for my ranting on the first song. I'm very passionate about it in particular.) (Tagging @imtryingsstuff because she asked for it. Even though I was already working on this post before she asked. I have way too much free time.)

☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧

❧ Heart + Bones - Roisin O

I've tried to sit down and write this song out Feels like a thousand times But I was always too scare of what I might find But if I keep on blocking this pain out It might be too late To heal my heart somehow Don't wanna open that wound Don't wanna replay that night Don't wanna think about you You are no longer mine Don't wanna write you a love song When I know that love is gone 'Cause if I let myself think of you I might lose my mind It's the heart and bones It's an empty soul The dreams at night that shake me to my core And I can't get up off this floor It's in the bones of me An empty soul in me The dreams at night that shake me to my core I can't get off this floor [...] Don't wanna think about you When you're no longer mine Don't wanna write you a love song When I know this love is gone [...] The dreams at night that shake me to my core I just can't take this hurting anymore [...] Don't wanna think about you You are no longer mine Don't wanna write you a love song When I know this love is gone 'Cause if I let my mind think of you I might lose it all I've tries to sit down and write this song out Feels like a thousand times

A fair warning: each and every break-up song in this playlist is basically me crying at the idea of a very heart broken Obi-Wan post RotS alone on Tatooine. But for this song in particolar I mention the repetitions with the slight differences because in my eyes they are actually HUGE! The more the song goes on, the more Obi-Wan is spiraling! The way it specifically tells that the empty soul is his the second time, like he accepts that despite what Anakin did he still thinks there's a soul there to save, and the idea of not doing so makes his soul feel empty. And the switch from "get up off this floor" to "get off this floor", literally him being so desperate he stops thinking that he wants to get up (and the last time it literally becomes "i just can't take this hurting anymore", because Obi-Wan had to see so many people he loves die, he literally can't take any more breaking of his heart). The first "you are no longer mine" is the realization hitting him, but then it becomes "when you are no longer mine" and that feels like acceptance of that realization (but then later in the song it turns back to "you are no longer mine" like he's so desperate he wants to deny it once again, distance himself from it)! The switch from "that love" from "this love", like the first time he's thinking about how Anakin no longer loves him, but then realizes that no matter how much he still loves Anakin, there is actually nothing he can do about how everything is broken. But most of all the first time it's "if I let myself think of you I might lose my mind", which is Obi-Wan still being rational about things, or at least trying not to let his mind linger on the thought of Anakin; but then at the end it becomes "if I let my mind think of you I might lose it all", because he's already thinking about Anakin and he can't let his mind linger on it, otherwise he would realize how much he lost when he lost Anakin, which is everything. And the ending too, by repeating the start, but now it has a feeling of resignation to it, like at first he was literally scared to let himself linger on his feelings because he knew he would find heart break, but now he's just empty and at the same times he knows he'll feel like that a thousand times more, because he just can't let that hurt go, he can't let his love for Anakin be forgotten. ... I love this song and it shows. I mean, the playlist is literally named after it for a good reason. I swear I'll be less wordy for every other explanation.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Black Hole - Griff

It seems like things are going really well for you I wish that I could say the same about me too I wish that I could say the same [...] Without a trace You disappeared and took some of me with you, babe Like the way I used to laugh untile my belly ached Well, that's all gone away now And boy, you know I've tried to pray, I've bruised my knees I've tried to bring you back to me I've tried my best to find some kind of peace Don't you see? There's a big black hole where my heart used to be And I've tried my best to fill it up with things I don't need It don't work like that, no, it's not easy To fill this gap that you left in me

So, I see this as a song for an AU, maybe a Modern Au. Something basic like the two of them maybe being neighbors and Obi-Wan maybe being a tutor for Anakin when he was a teen, and Anakin having a huge crush on him. But then Obi-Wan marries and Anakin is heart broken. (Don't worry the idea is also that Obi-Wan gets a divorce and comes back to Anakin, but still, the song fits for the first part of this idea). But feel free to see whatever else you want in it.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Gone, Gone, Gone - Phillip Phillips

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bride To make you well, to make you well When enemies are at your door I'll carry you away from war [...] Give me reasons to believe That you would do the same for me And I will do it for you, for you Baby, I'm not moving on I'll love you long after you're gone

This is honestly a classic. It would fit with any ship, but that line about lying, cheating, etc... That screams Anakin. Like, literally canon that he would do anything to keep the person he loves with him.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ What You Talking About? - Peter Bjorn and John

You used to be my hero Now you're just another boss [...] Five years as your understudy When I can't understand what you talking about [...] Tell me lies and I will listen Tell the truth and I'll be gone Tell me why I need permission [...] Shining in your shadow How could I sink this low? Our acquaintance has been so-so And I can't understand where my patience's gone

These lyrics just give me very frustrated Anakin as a Padawan trying to navigate his relationship with Obi-Wan. Not very romantic or shippy, but still relevant in my opinion.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Bruci la città - Irene Grandi

(Let) The city burn down or live in fear (that) within two hours everything will disappear anything else will disappear [...] I can't stop (myself) from screaming That I hold you to my heart To protect you from evil That I wish I could soothe Your pain, your pain [...] (Let) The stars explode (Let) The whole thing explode (Let) Everything other than the two of us die At least for a little bit At least as a mistake [...] I want to get my act together Maybe be better And shield you with my heart From catastrophe and fear

Don't really know why, but this makes me think of a quiet moment in the middle of the Clone Wars, just Anakin and Obi-Wan alone in a tent, hoping to have a moment of peace in each other's arms. (If you want the full lyrics translated let me know, I just picked my favorite parts)

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Atlantis - Seafret

We got here the hard way All those words that we exchange Is it any wonder things get dark? 'Cause it's in my heart, it's in my head I never take back the things I said [...] I can't save us My Atlantis, we fall We've built this town on shaky ground [...] Now all the birds have fled The hurt just leaves me scared Losing everything I've ever known It's all become too much Maybe I'm not built for love If I knew that I could reach you, I would go

SO MUCH OBI-WAN ANGST POST-ROTS! Like, the birds that have fled are the Jedi that survived Order 66, the things impossible to take back a reference to the entire conversation between Anakin and Obi-Wan during their duel... And the one thing that always breaks me: "maybe I'm not built for love", which makes me think about that "infinte sadness" thing that comes from one of the novels. *chef kiss*

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ No Time To Die - Billie Eilish

I should have known I'd leave alone Just goes to show That the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe We were a pair [...] You were my life, but like is far away from fair Was I stupid to love you? Was I reckless to help? Was it obvious to everybody else? That I'd fallen for a lie You were never on my side [...] I let it burn You're no longer my concern Faces from my past return Another lesson yet to learn

Don't know about you, but this always makes me think of a lonely and bitter Obi-Wan after RotS. There's also another way of reading this honestly. This could absolutely be Anakin spiraling at the end of RotS, convinced that Padmé doesn't love him anymore; and then Vader facing Luke (the face from the past returning) and realizing the one who always lied to him was Palpatine.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ White Flag - Dido

I know I left too much mess and Destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" Then I'm sure that that makes sense But I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was there Will be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on

There's no doubt that this song has been overused. And it is a very classic meme, so sometimes it's hard to take it seriously. But I still love it. And I can't help but relate this to something with Vader trying to redeem himself but failing at that too, and his and Obi-Wan's relationship still being broken as fuck.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Fight the End - The playground

When it's all falling apart I'll be the one who can hold you Console you When everything's getting dark And you can't find the spark To get through I'll fight for you till the end Whatever's broken I'll mend For you If you think it's all gone Just breathe in and hold on Till the end of time

Once again, just some H/C during the Clone Wars kind vibes, but also good for an apocalypse AU of some kind.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Hanging On A Lie - Striking Matches

I'm not mentioning a specific part of this song, because the entire thing in my head is just the whole journey of Anakin turning to the Dark Side and then turning back to the Light right before he died. Seriously, up until the first chorus, it's just Anakin talking about what he feels like about Padmé's supposed betrayal. ("Baby you've been up to something / don't you tell me it's not what it looks like" but also "I might have been naive but I'm not blind" and "Don't you know you should know better than this / Than to cover up the truth with your poisonous lips/I'm not falling for it this time"). The second half of the song is Vader facing Luke. ("I'll be the one who got away from you when you / finally figure it out / you won't find me"). And the last part is Vader realizing all the lies Palpatine told him all alon. ("I'm not fallin' for it this time/try and try too little too late" and again the "you should know better than this/than to cover up the truth with you poisonous lips") A bit of a weird interpretation, that's for sure. But look at me making a song about cheating all about Anakin's journey!

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Bloodsport '15 - Raleigh Ritchie

Your love is worth it and for that I will wait And though you hate me when you have a turn I drive you crazy, but you always return [...] Although you love me, sometimes we're mean Things can get ugly, but we're still a team We are an army that breaks from withing but That's why we're stronger and that's how we'll win [...] I've got your back, and though it's stacked against us I've got your hand, it's us against consensus And I will burn the people who hurt you the worst and I will no learn Cause I am too young and too dumb to consider the terms of breaking the law And I'll curse the day that they return With a smile on my face as their heads hit the floor And they're done, now it's curtains, the bloodlust's a clusterfuck, it hurts but it's working And even if you ask me to stop, it's too late because I've already decided their fate It's not a distaste, it's pure hate and it pulsates and it works its way around my brain Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'll protect you till the day I meet my maker So don't fight me now cause you might need me later Loving you is a bloodsport Fighting in a love war It's not what I'm in love for, I'm yours I don't know if you can help it, maybe I'm just being selfish

Soooo, basically Anakin doing to Obi-Wan what he did to Padmé: loving him so much he thinks he has to turn to the Dark Side to save him. The first part I can almost imagine said by Obi-Wan, actually. Like, he's aware that sometimes Anakin hates their dynamics, but also that they are both in love... Which just ends with total madness.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Sweet Love of Mine - Joy Williams

I was broken, I was blind Lost in a moment I thought I left behind Then you woke up this dark soul of mine Carrying a light I thought I'd never find When you found me, I was all alone The whole world around me, but nowhere to call home I heard your voice sing like heaven's choir Gathered up my fears and threw them in the fire

I'm well aware this song is about pregnancy and how the singer found herself in the experience of becoming a mother. BUT, hear me out: what about an AU with either one of them being a Sith and the other one is still a Jedi. Instead of fighting each other, the Jedi tries to save the Sith, because they realize that the Sith actually never had a chance to be anything else since they grew up with a Sith as their "parent" and Master. But if we still want to keep the pregnancy element, fuck it! It's perfect for an Omegaverse AU, with Anakin maybe about to fall when he finds out he's pregnant and that is how Obi-Wan and their unborn child save Anakin. (Is this very specific? Yes. Do I care? Nope, and that's why this song made it into the playlist.)

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Senza fare sul serio - Malika Ayane

There's a post on my blog already about why this song makes me think about the Jedi Order in general. I know I should probably keep it in a different playlist. Alas, it's still here. Have a link to my previous post if you are interested on reading a complete translation and the explanation of my reasoning. HERE!

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Conversations in the Dark - John Legend

I will never try to change you, change you I will always want the same you, same you Swear on everything I pray to That I won't break your heart I'll be there when you get lonely, lonely Keep the secrets that you told me, told me And your love is all you owe me And I won't break your heart [...] And we, we got places we both gotta be But there ain't nothing I would rather do Then blow off all my plans for you

It's just such a lovely love song, I couldn't help myself. This seriously gives me sappy Obi-Wan vibes in any way, shape or form.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ If You Ever Leave, I'm Coming With You - The Wombats

You know I'll do Whatever you want me to [...] Take you out of this You reluctant optimist And if you ever leave, I'm coming with you Stuck to the gum that's stuck on your shoe If you ever leave, I'm coming with you [...] Am I losing you in the dark baby? No more breaking stuff No more acting up Filling your head with doubt

A song about the obsessive kind of love that hints of a way too dependent relationship? Something that mentions losing themselves in the dark? Of fucking course I relate this to Anakin and the way he loves people!

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Transplant - Sea Girls

You're breaking all the promises tonight I'm always dancing by myself as the music plays I'm always one step behind, off-beat, out of place Now I'm looking for you, you're looking away [...] Your heart changed Mine stayed the same I don't recognize your voice when you're saying my name Your heart changed And mine beats the same way [...] Wish I could be back in the moment We were shining, we were making mistakes 'Til your heart changed Mine stayed the same

Have I mentioned that I have a lot of RotS feels? Yeah, so, in my head the "dancing" works like an analogy to fighting and the "music" is literally the sound of battle. Which is why this fits perfectly as far as I'm concerned. An even the "always one step behind" part is just Obi-Wan not realizing Anakin was slowly turning to the Dark Side. But it can be related also to how Anakin basically felt like he didn't truly belong with the Jedi.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Read my Mind - JONES

Can't control my thoughts But I'm trying every day [...] But sometimes I want impossible things When you hear my voice, what does it say? Need a language, we're lost in translation From impossible thoughts and feelings Why don't you know before I know? What I need to say, before I can How come you don't have the answer Before I asked you the question? Wish you could read my mind [...] It's been a long time since we've been together In the same world, just want you to look at me Like I was everything you ever wanted again [...] Just hold me like I'm everything you wanted again

A good song of the two people pining will always make me think of those two dorks. And their feeling are definitely lost in translation even in canon, with Anakin never realizing how much Obi-Wan actually cares for him because of Palpatine's manipulations.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ So Much It Hurts - Niki & The Dove

Oh, I ask you where you've been 'Cause you always come home late nowadays What a fool was I to think we were safe From the thieves in the temple [...] Oh, won't you bring it back? After all that we've been through together Is it now you gonna throw it all away? Oh, a love like ours Tell me, was it worth it? Oh, the thieves in the temple Oh, but you said that For better for worse You would always be there for me Always be there for me Always be there for me like I'll always be there for you Good times and bad times

So this screams Padmé being cheated on. Like, Anakin still married to her, yet he is always sneaking away after they spend time together to be in the Temple with Obi-Wan. Like, Obi-Wan is literally the thief in the Temple that steals Anakin away from her. (Which I'm sure is actually a metaphor for how the couples' marriage is the temple and someone is disrespecting it by taking away the other's lover. But look at me making this literal, 'cause why not!).

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Power & Control - Marina

Give a little, get a lot That's just how you are with love [...] Think you're funny, think you're smart Think you're gonna break my heart Think you're funny, think you're smart Yeah, you may be good looking But you're not a piece of art [...] Power and control I'm gonna make you fall I'm gonna make you fall We give and take a little more 'Cause all my life I've been controlled You can't have peace without a war

Another song for an AU, this time one with both of them being Sith, most likely being enemies too at first. Before they decide to work together against Anakin's Master.

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❧ No Hero - Elisa

Don't you shut your eyes And hide you heart behind a shadow 'Cause you can count on me As long as I can breathe [...] I've fallen from grace Yeah, I'm much less a saint than a sinner Oh, no I ain't no superhuman 'Cause that's just in the movies, I know But I'll carry you throught the night Through the storm Give you love, always love in return I can't jump over buildings I'm no hero But love can do miracles I can't outrun a bullet 'Cause I'm no hero But I would take one for you [...] 'Cause I'm no hero But I'd spill my blood for you If you need me to I'll be there

Another song from an Italian artist, but this one is in English! And I totally see this song for a scenario where one of the two isn't a Jedi or even for a Modern AU. But it can totally work for Canon compliant too because Anakin is the one every calls hero with no fear. It fits then if Obi-Wan tells Anakin that he doesn't feel like a hero, but he would do anything for Anakin.

☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧

SOOOO, this post is getting way to long (like, it was way too long even just with the first song). And I made it to an even 20 songs. I feel like this a nice place to stop for now. Don't worry, these are just the first 20. I have more in my private playlist, but I want to make another post like this when I add them to the public one. Because I can. And that's what I'm gonna do.

[phoenixdnasty]

The Problem with Season Five

this is already going to have a lot of you in the replies yelling at me. obviously, massive SPOILERS for s5 of she ra and the princesses of power if you haven't already seen it.

okay, so She Ra is definitely a kids' show, but it has a lot of themes aimed towards an older audience: abuse, war, found family, destiny and knowing who you are. I loved She Ra because it made me feel empowered, made me feel seen. after this last season, however, I don't feel the same. I will, however, talk about what it did well.

What She-Ra s5 did RIGHT

I very much enjoyed seeing the character development for most characters come to the forefront here. For example, SW returned to her original motivations. When she lived in Mystacor with the other sorcerers, her thirst for power was borne of a desire to fight the Horde. When she was rejected, then she chose to do what she did. We see a return to that in s5, where she takes a stand against Prime by enlisting Castaspella to stop her if she tries to take any power for herself. She ends up just wanting to help, to do what she can, which was excellent. Glimmer, Bow and a bunch of other characters are given some love here as well. I especially enjoyed seeing Bow and Mermista take on leadership positions in the absence of Adora; it was an excellent look into another facet of their personalities.

Character interactions in non-serious moments were, for the most part, good. Swift Wind and Scorpia being bros was not something I knew I needed but something I want more of. Netossa basically being Batman and knowing the weaknesses of everyone around her was great and an iconic scene. Bow thinking Catra was super adorable was also an excellent moment in the season and I could watch 9 more seasons worth of that. Something that surprised me was Entrapta's "not good with people"-ness being talked about and addressed by the other characters and explained by her; I wasn't sure if that was ever gonna be talked about in the show.

Side note: thank you Crew-Ra for giving Scorpia her own musical number, it was great.

Prime was also a fascinating enemy. He's this sort of religious figure, this world destroyer who's been around for seemingly centuries, maybe much longer. He's cold, calm and calculated. I've seen it pointed out that he's everything Hordak is not. He's manipulative, knows body language and facial expressions, and has a perfect grasp on how to get exactly what we wants. My favorite aspect of this season was the hive mind control. This was a very interesting plotline to me, and I thoroughly enjoyed HiveMind!Catra as well as Wrong Hordak. I loved the idea of pitting allies against each other and the angst and emotional weight that carried.

Going to use that point to segue into one of this season's strengths: Netossa and Spinnerella. Wow! We get a chance to see what a healthy queer/wlw relationship looks like, and two background characters get major upgrades in relevance. Two diversity points for one being a big girl and for the couple being interracial (in our world anyway), but diversity is the norm is SPOP and we might have to stan forever. It was extremely heartwarming and resulted in one of my favorite scenes to ever show up in animated media (one which I'll be stealing to add to my vows if I ever get married):

It was beautiful and I will absolutely never shut up about it.

There were some beautiful moments this season!! Absolutely gorgeous. A highlight for me cinematically was episode 5, which will probably bother some people when I say what I will below. I will be honest, the new transformation sequence and the scene of Adora holding Catra as She-Ra was powerful and had my heart pounding with excitement. It was awesome.

On the other hand...

What She-Ra s5 did WRONG

I'm going to break my issues with the final season down one by one, starting with the narrative of abuse.

From the very beginning, abuse is the most prevalent theme in the show. Prime (HP) abuses Hordak, Hordak abuses SW, SW abuses both Adora and Catra, and Catra abuses Adora. I liked the Crew-Ra tackling this issue. Abused people abuse people, right?

Why was everyone redeemed in s5? (Well, except for Prime, he was blasted away by She-Ra.) Hordak was given a blank slate to start over, even though he was the reason Etheria was war torn for at least a few decades; SW was given a hero's sacrifice, where at the end of her life she finally decides to do some good; and Catra is immediately forgiven for doing one good thing and all trust in placed in her simultaneously.

Hordak and H. Prime as abusers are pretty cut and dry; at no point are they ever remorseful for their actions, except for Hordak in the case of being abusive to Entrapta. SW is much more of an interesting character to analyze, because her motivations are geared directly towards herself. This seems to change in the final season, when she returns to her original motivations from back when she was in Mystacor. Defending her home. In her pursuit of the power needed to defend Etheria from the Horde, she fell into darkness. She began to abuse Adora and Catra.

One could argue that the hero's sacrifice she was given for redemption was unneeded. SW was an individual addicted to power. She was manipulative, using fake affection as a means to control. She didn't deserve a redemption. The only evidence we have of this supposed change of heart is a line to Castaspella: "...and stop me if I try to take the power for myself." Okay... so, SW, um... what changed your mind? Was it Micah? Because at no point has he forgiven you. In fact, there should've been much more hostility between the two of you (which is a point I'll address in a moment). In all honesty, the relationship between SW and Micah reminds me of what should've happened between Catra and Glimmer, or Catra and Scorpia.

And Catra... My problem with her story is that she was kinda just... forgiven? instantly. no repercussions, no long talks about feelings, no... consequences. Catra got the girl and that was it. A small list of things she did over 4 seasons, in no certain order:

Scratched what was implied were scarring marks down Adora's back

Was the cause of Angella's "death" #angelladeservedbetter

Kidnapped both Glimmer and Bow

Opened a world-ending portal all to ensure Adora failed

Also pushed Adora into what looked like an abyss

Verbally abused Scorpia into leaving

Wanted to pit Corrupted!She-Ra against her friends (dehumanization)

Got Entrapta sent to Beast Island, a deadly place no one ever returns from

And this is just the stuff off the top of my head. We all knew Catra was going to get a redemption, but this one was completely undeserved. She apologized to Adora and Entrapta. Two very short apologies for what canonly was at minimum, months of abuse, manipulation, intent to kill (which is literally mentioned by Adora) and general disregard for anyone or anything but revenge for something that didn't even deserve it. The entire cast should've been outraged. Glimmer in particular had a very big reason not to ever forgive Catra ("I'm not losing another parent!"), but it was all glossed over.

The biggest issue with season 5 was the abuse plotline completely dropped. You can't spend 4 seasons explaining how the cycle of abuse affects you and everyone around you... and shelve it. And we know the reason why it was shelved.

Let me first preface this with the fact that I am super happy we got representation. As a queer nblw who grew up feeling alone, it's so good to see things changing in media. An onscreen wlw kiss on a kids' show is groundbreaking and I'm very happy that She-Ra broke this barrier.

But all representation is not good representation. Catra and Adora is not a good representation of a healthy relationship.

Catra is shown throughout the series to be very unstable. This is even prevalent in season 5, when Adora "chooses SW" over Catra, she runs away. This breaks Adora's heart. The last thing that Catra needs is a relationship when she hasn't even confronted the issues that she has. There's no healing done in season 5, no therapy as the fandom loved to meme about, no long talks about forgiveness and the hurt caused. There's no callback to any of the pain and anguish that Catra put Adora through. Catra may love Adora, but if there is no healing done for the both of them, their relationship will fail. They will fall into the same cycle again. Adora will do something Catra doesn't like, Catra will do what she's done for all of the show, and it will repeat until something breaks.

I'm going to talk about the implications of the ending we have now, and feel free to argue with me.

She-Ra is a kids' show. Abuse is one of the main themes. Catra is shown to be an abuser. Here's what we are teaching younger audiences:

a. if you love someone enough, maybe they'll change

b. everyone deserves a second chance

c. your abuser will change as long as you're loyal and never stop trying to love them

d. things someone does to hurt you mean nothing in the wake of forgiveness

e. if someone who hurt you changes suddenly and wants to be back in your life, you should let them back in

Character interactions for the things that mattered (plot threads from previous seasons, general personality clashes, etc) were absent this season, in the moments where they mattered the most. (The best three in my opinion were Scorpia and Perfuma, the BFS inviting Catra in, and Mermista and Entrapta.) Glimmer and Adora should've had their time to talk. Scorpia should've gotten to say her piece to Catra. SW and Micah should've interacted more. Micah and Glimmer should've gotten more than an introduction!

I'm not going to get into how the entire final season was wrapped around making Catra and Adora get together (a fundamental writing no-no; it never ends up working), or how it was bad writing. I just want everyone to think critically for one moment. There are so many other glaring issues in what was, overall, a stellar show. If there was another season, or some mini episodes where the characters talk out their problems and past transgressions against each other, then I could excuse She-Ra. But I doubt we're going to get any of that. So I won't.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Two

Words: 4.3K

Warning(s): explicit language, sexual situations, violence, drug abuse, domestic abuse

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Vivian strikes again. 

My leg shakes with each tap of my foot as I impatiently wait for her to come through that door. I've been waiting for nearly forty-five minutes. 

Maybe I scared her off with pitching a fit over her not telling me about her miscarriages. But I had a good reason to be upset. Addict or not, I fucking deserved to know what the hell was going on.

"Where's your wife?" Amber asks me, glancing at her watch. 

"Hiding more kids from me, probably." I mumble and she raises her brows, staring at me for a moment. 

"While we wait for her, can you do me a favor?" She asks and I shrug. "Take a few minutes to try to imagine what having kids during the last four years would have been like with your drug addiction. Because you would still have a drug addiction--babies wouldn't have changed that." She points out. "Honestly," she adds. "Close your eyes, and take some breaths, and just use your imagination as to what having children during these last few years would have done to you, and to your wife.

I take a breath and close my eyes, deciding it probably couldn't hurt to try to wrap my head around being a dad right now, especially with as many as she lost...

1984

...I feel Viv's weight shift from me, her eyes closed, a little hum comes from her when she turns her back to me but still keeps close, her feet tangled with mine, her lions mane of hair still spread out over my pillow as well as hers. Despite being half asleep, myself, I tighten my arms hold just under her ribs and pull her to me before my hand slides over her five-month pregnant stomach. 

I lull back to sleep, before I'm woken up merely minutes later by the sound of the baby crying and Vivian pulling herself away from me, putting her robe on to cover her naked body. 

She sighs under her breath, mumbling something, and I sit up. 

"I can go--"

"--No, I got it." She says, dismissively.

"Vivian, are you still pissed at me?" I ask. 

"You ditched me on our anniversary and stayed out all night smoking smack and partying with your moron friends."

"I offered for you to come out with us." I remind her.

"I'm pregnant and we have a daughter here, Nikki. One of us needs to remember that." She adds before stomping out. 

I roll my jaw and feel a spiteful twinge in my mind. 

Perhaps spiteful, perhaps wanting to chase away the guilt of ditching her last night…

I end up in the bathroom, chasing the dragon, curled under my high while hearing Vivian softly sing hymnals to the six-month old…

I assume she knows exactly where I'm at once she's done, because I hear her walk back to our bedroom and, when she usually comes to find me so she's not by herself, she doesn't come looking for me. 

1986

"...No, you idiot, not that…" I say to myself, rubbing my forehead, scribbling out the line of lyrics I've been fighting to get out. 

The door of mine and Viv's bedroom is soon bursting at the hinges, allowing me to fully hear Pierce crying while Frannie and Johnny come rushing into the room, squealing. 

"Hey, hey, hey!" I stop them before they can crawl under the bed. "What's goin' on?" I ask them, slowly hiding the Jack bottle in my bass case.

I spent last night freebasing and I'm still trying to coax myself down. 

Frannie looks at me with sharp green eyes, her brown hair knotty looking from wallowing on the living room carpet earlier...Johnny, brown eyes and red hair, just puts his attention on the pissed off Vivian that's stalking her way in here with the baby. 

"Um," Frannie starts, trying to think up her excuse. 

"Francesca and Johnathan tried to tote Pierce off again." Vivian states, eyeing the two toddlers with daggers, and they slowly sink down to try to use me as a human shield. 

"He's a new baby, Viv, they don't mean any harm. They just--"

"--Okay, well maybe if you put the bass down and actually come in here and help me out, you can supervise them while they 'hold' him, since I'm trying to start on dinner." She states. 

I glance at the kids and then at her…

"Or you can stare at me like an idiot, too." She mumbles, going to shut the door as she says, "You have no issue knocking me up but won't help me with them once they're out."

 I roll my jaw and grab my bottle of Jack, putting my bass back. 

What the fuck? 

If it wasn't for me writing songs, the band wouldn't have new material, which would mean no new album, which would mean no money--not enough to support her and three fuckings kids, anyway, so she should be thanking me for still wanting to provide for my fucking family. Because anybody else with three kids in two years would be putting a bullet through their skull. 

"C'mon, guys," I say to Frannie and Johnny, and they follow me out, Frannie reaching up to grab my hand. 

I put old cartoons on the TV while Viv puts Pierce down to sleep once he's drifted off. 

On her way out of the nursery, I'm stopping her in the hallway, my hand grasping her arm in a tight hold, roughly tugging her into the guest bathroom, cracking the door. 

I've got her against the counter, hand around her throat, gasping little breaths pushing past her lips for a moment as I say, "if you ever talk to me like that in front of my fucking kids again, I'll give you plenty to bitch about." I promise her, lowly, and she just looks up at me and nods. 

"Now turn around." I say next and she glances at the door. 

"Nikki, we don't have tim--"

"--They're watching TV. Turn around." I repeat and she grins a little, licking her lips and turns to face the mirror. 

I'm unzipping my pants, yanking her shorts down and pushing her panties to the side before grabbing a fist full of her hair and sliding it in, tilting my head back and grinning as she makes little whimpers in an attempt to keep from being loud. 

We've mastered the art of 'a good time in a short time,' and once we've both had our release, I'm zipping my pants back up, and she's still bent over the sink, hands white knuckling the edge of the counter, hair in her face, bite marks on her shoulders, cum down her shaking legs, trying to catch her breath.

I kiss the place between her shoulder blades, the back of her neck, her hair, my hand getting her hair from her face to look at her in the mirror.

She's looking at me with a little smile, right before, "I'm pregnant again," comes out and shatters my post-orgasm buzz. 

My knuckles sting as blood rolls down my fist, glass falling onto the counter, sink, and floor, when I drive my fist past her and into the mirror. 

She just hangs her head and I'm getting out, feeling the walls of the bathroom caving in on me. 

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Frannie asks as I grab my keys and my jacket. 

"Nothing, Frannie. Daddy's going out, alright?" I tell her. "When mommy gets in here give her a big hug." I add, seeing Johnny's too enthralled with Charlie Brown to notice I'm even leaving. 

I kiss her head and I'm out the door before Vivian gets out of the bathroom. 

I swear the only thing keeping us together is the fact that when divorce is an unspoken thought for either of us, she gets pregnant. 

I'm twenty-seven years old and I have a two year old, a one year old, a two month old, and now she's fucking knocked up again?!

How the hell is that even possible? Don't chicks need like six months for their bodies to reset after popping kids out or something? Jesus I married a PEZ dispenser with a never ending supply of eggs. 

By the time I get to where I'm going, I already regret it. 

Incense, crack fumes and perfume suffocate me as soon as she opens the door in her bra and panties. 

Not necessarily in a sexy way--more so in a higher than a kite and disheveled type of way. 

Which is perfectly fine with me because I don't need 'sexy' right now. I just need to get outta my head. 

Despite that, though, clothes come off, we end up on the living room floor, and instead of smoking a cigarette once we're finished, we opt for more erasure. 

"She's pregnant again." I confess to Tansy  out of nowhere after breathing out some smoke, my mind getting pushed aside, the crawling of my skin starting to settle. 

Blue eyes look at me as I hand it over before her greedy hands snatch it. 

"What?" She asks me. 

"Vivian's pregnant." I repeat. 

"I am, too." She says it so seriously that I look at her for a second, before seeing the very corner of her lips tug for a millisecond. 

"You're bullshitting me?" 

"I'm bullshitting you." She says, giggling, and 

I start ranting about it, my words getting more and more jumbled and lost the more hits of the pipe I take, until I'm not even worried about Vivian due to the paranoia that ensues. 

I get home at 5:00a.m….the day after the next. How low do I have to be to continuously go her best friend and my own moronic self pity? I don't know. 

I shut the door to the house and put my shit down, nearly tripping when I try to take my boots off. 

I'm on Halcions and Jack, and I think they're starting to kick in because I'm fucking exhausted. 

I glance at the living room scattered with toys and rub my face. 

I get it: "Mötley Crüe, don't give a fuck, fuck precautions, fuck all of it," but come on, man.

 How the hell could you be so fucking reckless?

I walk into our room, the lamp on Viv's night side table on while she's got one long leg out of the covers, laying on her stomach, arms under her pillow, the covers falling just enough to cover the tops of her thighs and her ass, her back and the side of her chest peeking out, exposed. 

She looks fucking beautiful.

Oh, yeah, that's how the hell I could be so reckless. 

I go rinse off in the shower for a second to try to wash away Tans and the drugs...maybe even guilt….

When I'm done, I peek out of the bathroom to see that she's still asleep, and I turn off her lamp and crawl into bed, closing my eyes for a moment. 

I feel her move closer to me before her lips are pressing to my cheek, hands running over my chest gently before she lays down, throws her leg over my stomach, and rests her cheek on my chest. 

"Are you still mad at me?" She questions softly, and I let out a breath.

"I'm mad at myself, Viv." I mumble. 

"Oh." She replies quietly. "I would get on birth control but it wouldn't react well with my Nardil."

"You mean the Nardil you aren't taking anyway?" 

She's silent. 

"Honestly at a point where I don't even want to have sex anymore because you're gonna end up getting pregnant." I add, gruffly. 

"Oh, come on, Nikki." She scoffs, not believing me. 

"I'm serious, Vivian. I'm tired of being a fucking baby mill." 

"Oh you're the baby mill? You just get your rocks off and I'm the one carrying the thing for nine months but you're the victim here?" 

She sits up and glares at me. 

"Yes! I am!" I argue. "You have this weird thing with cum that I've always thought was hot but now I'm starting to realize you're just trying to boulder me down." 

"Nikki, you've made it very clear that marriage and babies aren't bouldering you down. You still go out and party and do your drugs and your day drinking--you were just gone for over a day...so I don't want to hear, 'you're bouldering me down,' because I'm not. If you wanna leave, then leave." She snaps.

I roll my eyes and she goes back to her side of the bed and turns away from me, before she snatches all the covers away from me. 

I'm too tired for it so I just pass out. 

1987 

"Nikki!" Doc is banging away at my door, making me snarl to myself before capping my needle and hiding it under my pillow. 

"What?!" I bark out, going to the door. 

I swing it open, naked, aside from stained underwear, to see Vivian and my whole litter of kids.

"S-Surpise!" Viv tries to keep her tone light and cheery for the five kids around her, our brand new girls in her arms.  

I don't know how to react except to shut the door in their faces and angrily get my shit together. 

I'm out of the shower and dressed in the next hour, taking the smallest hit from the needle I hid, just as a maintenance dose, before I'm heading to Doc's room--where I'm assuming he took them when they realized I wasn't coming back out. 

I knock on the door and Viv opens it, looking up at me. 

"Suprise!" I mimic how she greeted me earlier, and she scowls at me and goes to slam the door in my face, but I'm stopping it with my hand and shoving it open. 

"Daddy!" Frannie, Johnny, and Pierce come running to me and I'm getting down and letting them attack me, wrapping my arms around them. Pierce is nearly two, now, and he's nearly as tall as Frannie. 

Dannie is walking cautiously to me, smiling at me and I meet him halfway and pick him up, kissing his cheek as I go over to the little babies Doc's supervising, one a replica of me, the other of Viv…

I lean down and kiss both of them, making them smile and kick their feet, excitedly. 

I wasn't there with them when they were born. 

I go over to Vivian, who's got her arms crossed, her jaw clenched.  

"Does Daddy get a kiss from Mommy, too?" I ask. 

"Daddy doesn't have to fuss at mommy for having more babies anytime soon because daddy isn't gonna get to be in the same bed as mommy for a long time." She replies. 

"Mommy seems to forget that the last three babies weren't even made in a bed." I reply. 

"Do you guys wanna few minutes alone? I can get Fred, Emi and Donna down here to help me." Doc offers and I look at him. 

"That's out of character and nice of you." I state suspiciously. 

"Despite you being an asshole, your kids aren't." He shrugs and I roll my eyes. 

I kiss all of them bye for a couple hours, and put Dannie down before tugging at Viv's hand once Fred and the girls get here...I see Donna and feel guilty…one of the chicks I cheated on my wife with is taking care of our kids…

When we get to a new room--mines so out of wack I don't want Viv to pass out--we do what we do best and in the aftermath, small talk in between breaks of making out, Vivian drops the ball. 

"I know you've been seeing her." She tells me out of nowhere when my lips press to her neck, quietly. 

My body tenses up. 

"What?" I sit up and she does, too. 

"There's no need to be shocked that I found out--we both know you wanted me to find out. Why the hell else would you leave letters you two write back and forth with each other, out in our closet where you know I'd find them?"

I just look at her. 

"You and Tansy, Nikki." She states, tears in her eyes. "Why the hell have you done this to me, Nikki? She's my best friend?" 

Is she serious? 

I get out of bed and pull my pants on, ignoring her. 

"I'm not shocked, you know, I always knew you'd be a deadbeat husband and a deadbeat dad, just like your father." 

I start clapping slowly, really appreciating her performance.

"Bravo, Vivian, really, you should get a fucking award for those tears." I state, fed up. "It's gotta be theatrics because what sense would it make for you to be genuinely upset I've been hooking up with Tansy, when you and Robbin have been seeing each other for two fucking years, now?!" 

Her eyes widen, she looks like a deer in headlights...which just confirms it all the more to me. 

"How fucked up do you have to be to cheat on your husband with his fucking brother, while pregnant with his fucking kid?" I ask and she takes heavy breaths, obviously trying to get her temper under control. "Not to mention that I'm starting to question if Dannie is even mine being as he looks nothing like me." 

She's slapping the piss out of me, tears streaming down her face. 

I rub at the stinging hot skin of my cheek and roll my jaw, staring at her a few seconds, before shoving her back to the bed, grabbing her shoulders, getting in her face while shouting, "you stupid fucking bitch, I fucking hate, you ruined my fucking life!" 

She's sobbing now, her head turned, mascara staining her cheeks as I push myself off of her and trudge to the door. 

"Cheating on me for two goddamn years, you fucking whore, who the hell do you think you are?! I can have kids with anybody, I can have anybody I want, but I fucking chose you and this is how you repay me?! Fuck you! There's a million fucking yous out there!" I throw a bottle at her and it misses by a couple inches and she sits up, trying to stand up as I open the door. 

"I'm getting my fucking kids away from you, you fucking crazy cunt!" I call and she's rushing out, wearing my t-shirt to cover herself up, grabbing my hand and yanking me to a halt before I can start to Doc's room. 

"You're not touching my kids, Nikki, I swear to God I'll fucking kill you, don't touch my fucking kids! You're fucking stoned!" She threatens me and I turn. 

"Oh, you'll kill me?!" I bow up at her and she punches me, her ring cutting my cheek, before she's hitting me again. 

She goes for a third time but I block her and shove her down, kicking her as hard as I can in the ribs, knocking the breath out of her. 

"Don't fucking touch me, you fucking slut." I smear the blood from my cheek, banging on Doc's door as she crawls a few feet before managing to pull herself up, resting against the wall, coming towards me. 

The door opens and I see Emi with Pierce in her arms. 

I don't say a word to her, I just grab him and smile at him, bouncing him a little, as I say, "Frannie, John, c'mon!" 

Of course they come, not realizing what's happening. 

Until Vivian's trying to pry Pierce from my hands. 

"Let go of my baby!" She screams at me, trying to bat me away from him while he starts whining. 

She hits me with her closed fist in my ear and I lose it, punching her so hard she hits the ground, Frannie and John immediately start crying upon seeing their mother bloody and dismayed.

The door opens more to reveal Doc as Emi looks at me, horrified, pulling John and Frannie back inside before Doc's snatching Pierce from me. 

"What the hell is going on?!" Doc shouts as guests peek their heads out of their doors. 

It's as if my demons give me the reins back and split, leaving me to look down at my beat up wife, crying, hearing my traumatized kids crying out behind the door. 

I just stumble back, my back hitting the wall before I'm sliding down it to the floor, staring off as Doc continues to yell at me...

...I blink, being pulled back to reality, staring down at the floor of Amber's office.

I'm not sure if we had kids by then, if Viv would have stayed or left. I'm not sure why I imagined I would've been with Tansy and not Vanity, why she would have had an affair with Robbin and not Duff...maybe I knew, subconsciously, that us having children at that time would have changed the way everything happened between us.

"I guess it was for the best." I reply to her, finally, looking at her. 

"Everything happens for a reason." She assures me. "There is a reason she didn't have any babies in the past four years." 

"Okay, wise one, is there any reason she isn't here today?" 

VIVIAN

"...Mom, and my brother Jon, my sister Carol, my brother Mark, my brother Bruce, my sister Joan, my other sister Claudia, and that's Matt--you know Matt," he glances at me and I nod, looking at the picture of the family, "And then there's me." He points to a toddler and I grin, looking at him. "My dad didn't wanna be in the picture, which I'm glad he wasn't because I would've cut him out if it, anyway when he left, so…" he shrugs, looking at it another moment. "Alright, let me show you to your room." He wiggles his brows and I giggle as he picks up my suitcase and leads me back down a hallway. 

"This is Joan's old room, obviously been redecorated because it's not covered in ABBA and Cher ." He mumbles. 

"I heard that!" Joan says from the living room. 

"No ya didn't!" He replies, smiling at me, putting my suitcase on the bed. "Everybody's coming over for dinner tonight so you have time to take a nap, get comfortable, whatever." He shrugs and I nod. 

"Okay." I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. 

"I'm gonna go help my mom and Joan start cooking." He adds. 

"I can hel--"

"--You didn't sleep at all on the way up here, Viv."

"Because I wasn't tired." I lie and he looks at me. 

"Take a nap." He tells me, moving the suitcase off of my bed. 

"Fine." I roll my eyes. 

"Love you." He leaves me, shutting the door and I get on the bed, getting comfortable, and wondering what Nikki's doing right now...he's probably shitting a brick. 

After an hour, the door is opening and Duff's squeezing my fuzzy sock covered feet, making me laughs and yank my legs away from him. 

I haven't slept, but I've rested enough that I don't feel as sluggish. 

"You stink." I wrinkle my nose when he lays beside me. 

"Onions." He replies. "Joan kicked me out for chasing her around with the raw chicken." He adds. 

"And now raw chicken juice is on my feet?" I ask. 

"No, I washed my hands." He assures me. 

"Okay." I chuckle, rubbing my lips together. 

"Who all's coming to dinner?" I ask, next. "Jon, Bruce, Claudia, and my buddy Andy." He informs me. "Matt's coming up to go out for breakfast with me, you, Andy, and Joan tomorrow morning, and later this week we're gonna have a barbecue and you'll get to meet everybody, including my nieces and nephews." He adds and I raise my brows. 

"That's a lot of people." I reply, raising my brows.

"Very big family." He agrees. 

"It's weird." I say next and he furrows his brows. "Not like that, just...I don't know I'm used to being the only child, no cousins, no aunts or uncles--well, aside from aunt Lily--Nikki's not real close to his family, so we just...we're not really big on family." I shrug. "Well, dad is, he's always wanted more kids and a big family, I think, but my mom didn't so he didn't press her about it since she was ultimately the one who'd be carrying them." I add. 

"Do you want anymore kids?" He asks me and I let out a breath. 

"I'm not sure…" I trail off. "...I'd like to, but I don't know. I haven't thought about it, much." I lie and he nods. 

"Do you want anymore kids?" I ask him. 

"I do at some point, I don't think Mandy wants to, though. She says being a step-mom at the age of twenty-five is enough." He tells me. 

"Maybe she'll change her mind." I say. 

"She didn't want any kids when we first dated, so I think the only reason she's even making leeway for a stepchild is because she loves me." 

"It says a lot about her if she's willing to do that, though. A lot of women would've left." 

"Yeah, she's cooler about it than I thought she'd be." He agrees. "What did Nikki do when you first told him?" 

"He cried." I admit. "Like, a lot." 

"That's understandable." He says lowly. 

"Yeah, it is." I nod. "He's okay with it, now, though. He's not mad at either of us. I think he's more upset with himself about the whole thing." 

It's quiet for a few minutes before I get up enough courage to ask him, "are you happy?" 

"What do you mean?"

"Like...you know...our break up, and then you and Mandy are engaged now and I'm pregnant…"

"Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I'm great, Viv." He assures me, sounding genuine. "I don't know, things are a mess and crazy right now but I feel like it's falling into place at the same time, you know?"

I nod, smiling softly…

…I bought it for that moment.

I realized he was lying to himself the next morning at breakfast when he told the waitress to bring him a screwdriver--a triple--and, "just keep 'em coming."

[amethystpath-writes]

BTHB Communication Suddenly Cut Off

@badthingshappenbingo

Original work!

Communication Suddenly Cut Off

******

Hero adjusted her shoulder, elbow on the arm of her chair. "No way!" She dropped her spoon into her bowl of cereal. "She actually said that to him?"

On the other end of the line, Friend laughed. "Oh yeah. I don't blame her a single bit! I mean, he was borderline stalking her. You remember when we were at Max & Erma's and he dressed up as a waiter just to see her? Insane."

Picking her spoon back up and shoveling it into her mouth, Hero mumbled a 'Yeah, guess you're right'.

"So what have you been up to? I missed you at the party today. You doing alright?"

Bending forward with legs bent on the cushion, Hero put her bowl on the coffee table in front of her. She grabbed her phone with a hand instead of holding it between her head and shoulder. Hero was cramping enough without having to take up weird body positions.

"I'm alright," she said. "Just exhausted from work, you know?" Exhausted from fighting a villain you hopefully know nothing about.

Friend was silent for a moment. "I get it. It sucks not seeing you though. Maybe we could have a movie night." Her voice pitched at this. "Be exhausted all you want that way. I'll get us some popcorn. And! I'll get the nacho cheese stuff to sprinkle over it!" Hero smiled in her seat. "I'll pick up a few movies from Redbox, too, so we don't have to watch a bunch of oldies. Okay, that's it. That's the plan. Now," Friend hummed then began mumbling, "It's five o'clock and Mom needs eggs from the store. I'll try to be there by-"

The line went fuzzy, a quiet chshhhhhh. "Friend? Hey, you're cutting out." Hero stood from the chair, walking to the window. Maybe there was better reception there? If it was on Friend's end then it didn't matter much, but she could at least try. "Friend? You there?" She pulled the phone away, the screen of her phone lighting up. Hero was on a second call. No name though. Weird. She hung up, or at least tried to. The screen hadn't changed when she tapped the little red phone. Hero tapped it again, but nothing happened.

Next time she tapped the counting timer that told her how long she was on a call with Friend. The phone call returned normally and the other disappeared. She shook her head.

"H-ero? I th-ink-"

Hero cut to the chase. The call wasn't getting any better. "What time?"

Chshhhhhh.

Damnit, Hero thought, and peeked at her phone again. 'Unknown Caller' it read for a second time. "Hello?" she said impatiently. No answer. "Hellooo?" Nothing.

She hit the home screen, tapping the text message icon then tapped on Friend's contact. 'Hey. Phones are acting weird. What time do you think you'll be here?' Hero typed. Hitting send, a red and encircled X appeared. 'Message failed to send' it said below. She touched the X and then touched where it said 'Retry'. The X reappeared. Hero repeated the process once. Twice. Three times. Four. Five. Nothing, nothing, nothing. "What the hell?" Her phone was slow sometimes, but never this bad. "She'll get here when she gets here I guess."

Her phone began to ring just as she tossed it on the couch across the room. Sighing, she went to pick it back up. 'Unknown Caller'. No. If it was important, they could leave a message or text her. Hero didn't pick up from numbers she didn't know, or from numbers that didn't appear on screen. She pushed the lock button on the side of the phone, rejecting the call.

"How rude, rejecting my call."

Hero froze. Her shoulders drew tight, her spine straightened so much that it cramped as badly as when she held her phone with a shoulder. Her jaw clenched and her eyes went wide, staring vacantly at the couch cushion in front of her. Was Hero breathing? If she was, she didn't feel it.

"Won't talk to me on the phone and now not in person either, hm?"

Goosebumps rose along her arms as she heard the villain stepping closer. How had he gotten in? She turned. "How did you find me? Where did you get my information? What else do you know?" Information being both her address and phone number, maybe even her specific phone if he was able to block her communications the way he did.

Villain looked so casual, he always did. You'd never expect him to be a madman who plotted humanity's demise. He looked like a fancy historian; brown pants, black turtleneck, plaid and half buttoned jacket. He had his hands planted in his pants pockets now. Hero still had no idea how he managed to get inside of her apartment.

He chuckled at her uptight-ness. "Can't we just chat for once- for a minute before you question my how-comings and motives?"

"No," Hero responded shortly.

Villain fake-pouted. "How's come? You and your friend seem great. I would love to gossip to you the same way."

Hero rolled her eyes. Her shoulders were still tense, but she was relaxing- not so far that she wasn't prepared, but just enough that she wasn't uptight beyond movement. "You didn't answer me. What else do you know? How did you learn anything about me?"

He smiled at her. "Now that's a fun story. Guess I get to monologue after all."

"Make it short."

"Or what?" He dazzled her with a wider smile, one that showed teeth. Was it just her or were they sharpened? It was just her, definitely just her- and her anxiety, her terror.

Villain strode to the chair Hero had been sitting in just minutes ago. He plopped down, ankle on knee, arms on either side. "Go on," he told her. "Sit."

"Maybe you should stand."

He chuckled without moving. "Darling, I don't think you understand how easy I have been on you. In multiple ways, actually." His eyes fell from her own to the couch behind her. "Sit." Villain looked at Hero again and she swore something changed in his eyes. They almost seemed darker. She obeyed.

"Now, I think you recall that little stalker of your friend?" Hero squinted, but nodded. "Did you know he's able to take up the appearance of anyone he wishes?" He didn't wait for a response. "In that, he's also able to project his own appearance onto bystanders, even control what they would do as him. Very talented, very...mindfully aware."

Hero shook her head. "Where are you going with this?"

He shushed her, softly, as if she was a baby. "He came under my employment about a month ago. Remind me," he said, "how long ago it was that your friend became ill."

Her eyes went wide and she nearly launched from her seat, realizing what he meant. Villain might attack her if she acted out so suddenly though. Hero remained seated.

"What have you done with her?" she demanded. It made sense what he said. Whoever his worker was, he made himself look like Friend 2 then made anyone else appear like him. But where was Friend 2 if she hadn't been with Hero and Friend all along?

"Nothing too dastardly. She isn't starving, but I'm sure she would appreciate a nice chicken dinner."

"And Friend?" she asked, somewhat panicked. Friend was okay, she had to be. Yeah, the phone call ended somewhat abruptly, but that was just because Villain interfered. Beyond that, she was fine, right?

Villain shrugged. "What do you think?"

Her eyes stung with tears she refused to let fall. She shook her head. "Why are you here? What are you doing?"

"Entertaining myself mostly. You're my opponent. I wanted to brag."

"I'll kill you," she swore. "If not tonight, I will find you like you did me, and I'll kill you when I do."

Villain's eyes twinkled from afar. "Cute. Very cute." He laughed heartily. "I told you already that I've been easy on you, right?" Again, he didn't wait for an answer. "I'm here for more than bragging rights. I want you to come with me. I've given you opportunity enough to back down on your own; I'm giving you another now. Come with, or I'll have to force your hand."

Her eyes became squinted and her lip lifted. "I'm sorry?"

"Surrender," Villain said simply. His legs uncrossed and he leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "If you don't I'll take you away forcibly."

Hero huffed a laugh. "As if you could. When have you ever bested me?" In truth, she was terrified. He was being serious, no amusement crossing his features. And the number of times he'd mentioned 'going easy on her'...what if he was telling the truth?

"Try something now then. Lunge at me." His lips were in a straight line. No emotion.

She considered him. Serious. He's serious. Villain was inviting her to attack him. Maybe she should take the opportunity.

Without another thought, she leaped from the couch, ready to tackle Villain, even though he was in a chair. She would have knocked the whole chair back if she could. But, something stopped her, a- a wall of sorts, one that glimmered like a bubble. "What-?" She touched that wall. Her fingers couldn't pass through. Shaking her head, she spun on a heel trying to return to the couch. Unfortunately she ran into another wall. "You're doing this," Hero muttered, facing Villain once again. She swallowed seeing his smile.

"So, you'll come with on your own. Otherwise I can push you along myself, and I think that would be rather humiliating, don't you?"

"This doesn't prove anything. You can push me, but you can't command me."

"Isn't it the same?" Villain sighed seeing Hero's fiery stubbornness. "Fine then. Let's have a little charade." He stood from Hero's chair, face forming into something...something Hero didn't quite understand. "I forgot to grab something to drink before I came here. Do you have something for me to drink, Hero?"

Her lips moved. "Yes, of course, Villain. Let me show you to the kitchen." Her hand flew to her mouth afterward. She hadn't said that. She hadn't said that. Hero's eyes found Villain's.

"Lead the way," he said.

Hero's feet moved on their own, leading the two to her kitchen despite how she tried to resist. She couldn't even feel herself pulling back. There was no resistance except for in her thoughts. She began unwillingly talking again. "There's some water bottles in the bottom right drawer. Fruit punch juice boxes on the left- though my younger cousin will be disappointed when she finds not only me missing, but her juice as well." 'When she finds not only me missing.' So this was how Villain would take her, by commanding her just like she said he couldn't.

What was almost worse was that what Villain made her say was exactly right. Water bottles, bottom right drawer. Fruit punch juice boxes in the left drawer. One of three things could have happened. One, Villain had that stalker, body-switching guy, go through her home while she was gone. Two, Villain himself went through her house while Hero was absent, or when he somehow snuck into her house while simultaneously messing with her phone today. Three, he had access to her mind. The last one would have sounded ridiculous if it weren't for the way Villain was controlling her now.

"You're realizing you have no choice now, aren't you?"

Hero nodded her head. She couldn't tell whether it was her doing it or if Villain was still possessing her. Either way, he was right.

"Why?" she asked. Villain tilted his head. Hero believed he could have gotten his answer if he wanted. Still, she continued, "Why are you doing this? Taking me? Is it not enough that you've taken my friends?"

Her body turned to the exit. She began walking through, walking to the front door of her apartment. They were really leaving. She was going to get sick.

"I'm tired of you fighting is all. It will be much easier to accomplish my goals if I don't have to worry about turning you away every time."

"Then kill me." She swallowed after she said it. Hero didn't really want him to kill her, but she also didn't want to be taken. Villain said Friend 2 was okay, not starving, but would certainly be happier if she was given more. Hero had a feeling she wouldn't be given the same treatment. Villain might actually starve her because of her putting a kink in all of his plans, for not surrendering when she was given multiple chances to.

"Am I really so awful to be around?" Villain asked behind her as she led the way to the elevators. "I should think my style makes up for any unpleasantness. This jacket was bought yesterday. I'm rather dashing in it, aren't I?"

Just as unwillingly as before, Hero said, "Yes, very."

******

Requests are accepted!

[babylooneytoonz]

Warnings: Well, I just want to apologize in advance for what you're all about to read. Your truth is revealed, not to Bucky. You are not who you think you were.

Coffee Stains Masterlist here.

"Hey, look at me, you're alright, okay? Nothing's gonna happen," Bucky's warm flesh palm felt over your bump, and instinctively, you winced when his fingers brushed against something just underneath the base of your bump, towards the left. That's when he felt something sticky and warm in his palm.

He was pulled into the grip of silent panic, his eyes wild and his pupils dilated as he looked at the blood coating his fingers; it was only then that he realized what had happened. You had been shot. His heart had begun to race, and his temples throbbing in an incoming headache, like a bomb that had exploded in his brain.

"Buck.. I don't feel so good."

"It's just a graze, love. It's nothing, trust me, yeah?" Bucky's metal arm slid underneath your thighs and in one sweep, he pulled you into his arms, and reflexively, your eyes now droopy, you let your head rest against his chest, feeling the symphony of his breaths, that seemed to be relaxing you.

Bucky used his other hand to slide his phone out of his pocket and the first person he dialed was Steve.

"Y/N has been shot. I'm taking her to the hospital," he looked down at you to see that your eyes were almost closed now, but you were breathing, although shallow, "it's not looking good, Steve. I need you here. I need you right now. Please." 

You let out a cough, which was more of a laugh, but it sounded like a cough as air was lodged to your throat, mumbling barely incoherent words, "Winter... Soldier, you really need Captain...America..to save your ass don't you?" He just smiled, pulling you tighter against his chest, as though you were slipping away, "Fuck Winter Soldier, you know I'm nothing without you now." You were trying ... fighting to stay awake, even more so upon hearing his words, as you clung on to your boyfriend, your hand locked around his neck. You somehow managed to open your eyes, and your eyes caught the sight of a hospital.

"Bucky?"

He looked down at you, and a weak smile draped over his lips when he saw that you're awake. What you said to him, however, broke his heart into two and he wished that this hadn't happened to you.

"Will you promise me something?"

"What?" He asked.

"If something does happen to me, make sure you don't raise this one alone, you should raise them with Natasha."

He blinked, struggling to mask the tears that had now surfaced in his eyes as he bit down on his tongue, and shook his head. The two of you fought like cats and dogs, but he couldn't think of you not being here, even for a second.

"I would never promise you such a thing, because there's no one else I want to raise our kid with. And I mean, you."

You parted your lips, and all that came out was a weak sounding exhale, so you just succumbed against his chest, humming slightly so he knew that you had heard him, but just didn't have the strength to reply.

"I've seen you single-handedly take out five men, and that too, pregnant. You kicked some ass that day," he chuckled, finally letting that thick, warm tear roll down against his cheek, "And if you're telling me, it's one fucking bullet that's gonna be the end of you and end of us, you're just crazy."

He tried to make talk with you, hoping the back of the mind that you will find this urge to stay awake and to fight this for him as the hospital came into view. He muttered something under his breath; pulled out his cellphone again and saw that it was Nick Fury calling him. He received it, and was instantly greeted by a bark on the other end. The call didn’t last long, but Bucky informed him of the hospital that he had taken you into and he told him that he was bringing Y/N's doctor along, as he knew all your stats and vitals.

The instant Bucky stepped into the hallway of the hospital, a glimpse of his metal arm was enough for them to know that he was the Winter Soldier. He laid you on a gurney, and looked at the nurse who was looking down at you questioningly, “Yeah, well, my girlfriend's been shot. She’s seven months pregnant.”

“Sergeant Barnes, you’ll have to wait here, we’ll have to take her in –“

Before either Bucky could reply, or the nurse could even complete her sentence, Fury and a short heighted man dashed into the hospital, and headed straight towards where Bucky was, Fury instantly bending over the gurney so he could look at you.

“I’m her doctor,” you were wheeled into the trauma room and Fury and Bucky fixed themselves on either sides of the hallway, Bucky glancing down at his hands that were coated in your dried up blood. This was all his fault, if only he had been honest with you, honest enough that what happened today could have been avoided.

“I told her that she was making a wrong choice.”

Bucky’s strained, blood shot eyes lifted themselves and he fixed them on the man with the eyepatch who was leaning by the wall on the other end, as he continued speaking, “but she didn’t want to listen to me. She kept telling me that you were the best thing that had happened to her. Look where it’s gotten her now, Barnes.”

“Fury –“ Both Bucky and Fury turned towards the source of the voice, as Steve, Natasha and Sam rushed to where the two men were, Steve leading the way. “leave him alone. Y/N is a grown woman, who can make her own decisions. Besides, how is any of this Buck’s fault?”

“T’s alright, Punk, he’s right though –“

“Excuse me, Sergeant? Mr. Fury?” Y/N's doctor stepped out, his white gloves having turned bright red.

“Doctor, is she okay? Are they okay?” Bucky mumbled as all the Avengers crowded around him.

“Well, although things don’t look bad, the bullet did rupture the amniotic sac, which is why, we’ll have to do an emergency C  - section. Sergeant, looks like you are going to meet your child sooner than you anticipated. You can go and meet her before we wheel her in.”

“Holy shit.” Bucky took a step away, his jaw almost hanging, and his eyes wide; this felt surreal. He felt unprepared suddenly and scared. “Bucky?” Steve’s hand on his back pulled him back from his thoughts and his head snapped towards his bestfriend, Steve noticing the fearful look on his friend's face, “Want to talk about it?”

He swallowed, looking down at his feet and then back up again, almost shaking his head, “Do you think I am ready for this Stevie? I just, I am freaking out.”

Steve gave him a soft smile, reaching out and placing a steadying hand at the back of his friend’s neck, “You’re ready Buck. You’re just scared, but trust me, when you’ll have that little Barnes right there in your arms, you won’t feel so scared anymore. Now go and talk to her, I’m sure she needs you right now daddy.”

“Yeah, punk. Do not say that again.” Steve just chuckled, and Bucky kept smirking as he walked towards the operation room where you were being prepped for that emergency c section.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

You were laying down on the operation table, your fingers delicately kneading over the fabric of your hospital gown. The bullet wound had already been taken care of, but you could feel the sting from it, along with a throbbing pain radiating from inside your belly. Bucky stepped in, his eyes falling on you, and his heart almost snapped into two when he saw the state you were in.

“I’m so fucking sorry, I’m such an idiot,” he muttered in a low voice as he made his way to you.

“Five minutes, Sergeant.” The nurse whispered, as she stepped out, leaving you and Bucky alone inside.

He pulled the stool, lowering himself on it and placed his palm on your forehead, stroking over your warm, sweaty head. You smiled, blinking at him, your eyes coated with your tears; you weakly lifted your hand and placed it on your boyfriend’s metal hand, that was resting on your stomach.

“How are you holding up, daddy?” You grinned, in a weak voice and he just snorted, leaning close to your face.

“Shit scared, I am freaking out, I’ll be honest, I thought I had two months to mentally prepare myself.”

You nodded, clasping your fingers against his metal ones. “Cold feet yeah? Listen, it’s going to be okay. Whatever happens, I know, that you’ll be there for our kid.”

“Hey, you’re not gonna go anywhere. Don’t say that.”

“Mhm, we don’t even have a name yet. Jesus, we are so unprepared. Are we bad parents, Buck? What are we going to call this one when they're here? Little Buchanan Barnes?” You drawled, squirming slightly so you could get a little comfortable.

“Its time Y/N,” your doctor stepped in, and this was Bucky’s cue to leave, so he stood up, placing a chaste kiss against your sweaty forehead, whispering, "Don't worry , this doesn't make us bad parents, we didn't know that little Buchanan Barnes will want to join us early. Now I'll be outside, waiting for you to give me a healthy little mini you." He smiled down at you, before walking out of the operation theater.

Once he had left, the doctor walked up to you, and gave you weak smile, almost shaking his head, “He deserved to know, Y/N.”

“He would have shattered, doctor. I can’t do this to him. Besides, it is my call right? I’m asking you to save my baby by doing this.”

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

“Something isn’t right, what the hell's going on in there? It’s been two hours.” Bucky ’s pacing didn’t stop, no matter how much Steve or Natasha tried to get him to calm down, and to sit and relax. Something kept bothering him at the back of his mind, something didn’t seem right. Y/N's conversation kept ringing at the back of his mind, on repeat, whatever happens, I know, that you will be there for our kid.

However, the first cry of his little child, from inside the operation room made him forget all his fears. Steve pulled his bestfriend to his chest, clasping his back in a congratulatory way, even Nick Fury was smiling for a change.

The door finally opened, and the doctor stepped out, holding a tiny, wailing bundle in his arms. Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat, his breathing hitched and he gasped, taking a step closer. The baby was so tiny, so fragile, his heart strummed inside his chest just at one look at that baby, “Is it–”

“Its a girl, a healthy little girl.”

Who could have known that the Winter Soldier would finally break at the sight of his own daughter? Tears freely fell down his eyes, and he could feel his lips quiver as the doctor placed his little girl into his arms. He was so scared, he didn’t let his metal arm near her. It was as though she was made of glass, delicate and breakable. That morning he held his new daughter, this was the most perfect feeling he had ever known as it swept through him. He knew he would do anything in the world for her. He would be her hero, her keeper, the one who gave her cuddles and kept her safe. He would be this little girl’s Winter Soldier.

“She is beautiful,” Natasha cooed, staring at the little girl, in awe. Although she wasn't her mother, and she could never be one, the sight of a newborn baby always made her heart swell. She placed her palm softly over the baby's fuzzy little hair, stroking over her matted black hair, “I’m sure you didn’t think of names?”

“I - Y/N would want to name her I think,” Bucky whispered , looking down at her, and suddenly, he looked up at the doctor. “How is she? When is she going to wake up?”

“I, uh..”

Bucky raised his eyebrows in suspicion when the doctor didn’t answer him and instead, averted his eyes.

“How is she?”

After almost a minute of silence, the doctor looked down at his feet, and then back up again, mumbling in a low voice, “We, uh, we couldn’t save her. She couldn’t make it.”

What was once whole suddenly shattered and the baby that wailed in his arms, the happiness of watching her didn’t feel as warm as before. Where there was once was peace , suddenly it was just emptiness, and now her words made sense. She knew this was going to happen, but she chose not to tell him.

“Take her, Steve.”

“Buck, it’s –“

“Not now.” He growled, his eyes raging red, as he slid his baby girl into Steve’s arms; and walked out of the hospital. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he felt betrayed, and suddenly, left alone.

He lost her.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Five weeks later,

“Oh, you’re one happy baby aren’t you?” Natasha looked down at the baby. She sat in the recreation room, the little one month old girl they now called Sasha Y/M/N Barnes, as she rocked her on her knees side by side, playing with the girl.

“He still won’t step out of his room?” She asked, when she saw Steve dejectedly step into the recreation room and he just shook his head.

“Let him be, he will be here when he feels he is ready.”

“I’m here now.” A voice called out, from behind Steve, and all heads turned towards Bucky. He stepped in, his hair a mess, his eyes swollen and puffy like he hadn’t slept well in ages but he walked up straight to where Sasha was and threw out his hands towards her. Natasha stood up, gently handing him his daughter whom he immediately brought close to his chest, rocking her slightly.

 Meanwhile, a thousand miles away, in an old HYDRA base in Hungary, you stood in a room, in a center, with almost a hundred men in HYDRA uniforms surrounding you.

“Джоанна, ты позор для ГИДРЫ.” (Johanna, you’re a disgrace to HYDRA.)

You bit your lip hard, running your hand through your short cropped hair, as you mumbled something under your breath, “ Если бы ты не продолжал посылать своих людей выслеживать нас, моя дочь была бы жива.” (If you didn’t keep sending your men to hunt us down, my daughter would be alive.)

“Твоя работа заключалась в том, чтобы заполучить Зимнего Солдата, ни тебе это не удалось, ни ты не мог дать нам ребенка.” (Your job was to get the Winter Soldier, neither did you succeed in that, nor could you get us the baby.)

You threw your hands in the air, exasperated, as you growled in frustration, “ Опять же, мой ребенок не умер бы, если бы один из йойренов не выстрелил в меня.” (Again, my baby wouldn’t have died if one of your men hadn't shot me.)

“Просто забери ее. И приготовь ее стереть все воспоминания.” (Just take her away. And get her ready to get all the memories wiped off.)

You took a deep breath, but didn’t argue or protest when you felt arms grab you by your arms and started dragging you towards the lab. But your mind kept thinking of the things that you had witnessed, before they wiped it all off.

Your name was Y/N, but HYDRA knew you as Johanna. You were a HYDRA infiltrator, working undercover at SHIELD. James Buchanan Barnes had been your mission. You were expected to get close to him, and bring him back, but little did you know, that he will get through to you, and you will end up falling in love with him. You had exploited him, exploited his past, used the torture and the pain that he went through, and fabricated everything. There was no Danny, and no Wallis. Well, there was Wallis, but he wasn’t your real husband, just a decoy that the two of you used when on HYDRA missions. You knew you had to eliminate him, to make sure no one doubted you and that your story looked believable to all the Avengers, and so far, it worked. However, when she came into your life, your little girl, you wanted nothing more than to protect her life; and the love you felt for James Buchanan Barnes grew even stronger, making you run away in the end. But somehow , Bucky ended up finding you and bringing you back, and your plan failed. You had thought that maybe you will pull yourself out from the mess you had landed yourself into and make a home here with Bucky, and your baby, but HYDRA just kept coming back, again and again, trying to get you.

You had to do something, so you could end this once and for all. And it was only one of the two options. You could tell him the truth, of who you were and risk him throwing you out, along with your baby. Or, you could leave your baby with Bucky, and leave him so he could be with the woman who made him feel human once, long time back, Natasha Romanoff.

As for HYDRA, your super serum baby was dead, atleast that's what you told everybody. You doubted now that they would find out about her for a while now, for she was safely at the Avengers Towers, with people who could protect her. You knew that she was safe, safe with Bucky, who would love her more than any other thing in the world. And you were dead, at least for the records. At least for James Buchanan Barnes.

It was a weird night, when thousands of miles away, in the city of Manhattan, Bucky and Natasha stepped into the penthouse suite that belonged to Tony Stark, Natasha holding your daughter against her chest as she cooed to her in Russian, stroking over her little head. Bucky had remembered the promise he never made to you, and perhaps, he owed you this much in death, so he decided to request Natasha to help him raise his little girl with him. At the same time,  somewhere far away from them in an icy cold base in Hungary, you were ready to be put into that memory wiping machine, and be made ready to go for your next mission, whatever it was going to be, but deep down you were at peace, knowing that the man you loved, and your beautiful little girl, were safe and together.

"Till we meet again, my soldier," You smiled, and let the doctor place a metal helmet over your head, and stuff the rubber in your mouth to bite down on.

(Well, bam. I know you guys exploded. Really sorry about that. Well she's HYDRA, and he's just .. always ready to kick HYDRA's ass. Now wouldn't it be a scandal when he finds out that you're not dead? And you're actually one of them? Keep tuned, book 2 will be following this one, and it will be a much darker theme, as compared to this one. Thank you to all of you for reading this one, and for all the love! ❤️)

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@really-dont-forget-it @thepeakygurl @all-art-is-quite-useless @baumarvel @janajjj @chipilerendi @nyotamalfoy @skittychat @allidoiswritewritewrite @jessyballet @x0xchristine @evansgirl7 @supraveng

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[soccerbites]

arrogant son of a bitch, JJ Maybank

masterlist in bio

a.n: i wrote this around april ?? i don't really know, but it deleted when i deactivated and im posting it again, if you feel it familiar that's probably why :) english is not my first language so i apologise in advance for any mistake.

words count: 1,8k

warnings: cursing ?? other than that idk

(gif not mine if it's yours please tell me so i can give you credits)

The alarm on your phone went off letting you know it was time to get up and help your mum at work. After getting dressed with a loose lavender dress and a pair of sneakers you exited your room and poured yourself a cup of coffee just to afterwards cross the little door besides the fridge and get into the family clothing store and finding your mum placing some shirts near the building entrance.

- "Hi" you mouthed taking a sip of the drink while walking towards the desk.

- "Good morning sweetheart" she smiled without stopping doing what she was doing "how did you sleep" this time she quickly glanced at you.

- "Like an angel" you answer and she giggled.

The morning went by slow, even though you were one of the few countable with one hand clothing stores in the island, the beginning of summer was almost a month ago and most of the residents had already bought their clothes for this season.

You looked at the time on your phone. It was half past ten in the morning when one of your friends, who you were starting to find kinda attractive as the summer went by, entered the store with a big smile on his face.

- "JJ!" your mum happily said as she walked towards him and hugged him, she loved JJ, "it's been so long since the last time I've seen you around!" she let go of him and he came closer to the desk where you were sitting.

- "it really has" he said while looking at you and smiling.

- "what brings you here?" you asked with your hand placed on your chin as support.

- "Well, John B had this amazing idea of a pic-nic at the beach, so i came over to see if your mum would be gentle enough to let us borrow you for the rest of the day?" he said and you both turned your heads towards her, "i promise to bring her myself back here before ten p.m all in one piece" she kept looking at you two with her eyes furrowed, "pleeaasee i'm begging you" your mum laughed at JJ's words.

- "i want her back by nine p.m" your best friend looked at you and you just grinned at him.

- "nine thirty?" JJ asked with his eyes wide opened waiting for a yes as an answer.

- "fine, nine thirty it is" your mum gave in and he yelled a 'woohoo' while throwing his hands on the hair and running to where your mum was to give her a kiss in the cheek.

- "thank you so much" he said to her.

- "yes yes whatever, go inside and look for something to eat and share with everyone else" you smiled at her and entered the house with JJ following you behind.

You went to your room and put on a yellow bikini, took the backpack you usually used and threw a towel and your suncream inside of it. JJ helped you prepare some sandwiches and then walked through the store to say bye to your mum and go out to the street.

He approached his bike and you followed him as he handed you a helmet.

After a short ride you two arrived at John's B house.

- "You're not as afraid of the bike as you were before" JJ said to you while he took his helmet out.

- "i think so, i've got used to it" he smiled to you and together walked to the beach were your friends were, Kiara was laying down on the sand with Pope and John B was coming out of the water.

- "Y/N" your girl friend ran to you with open arms to hug you since you hadn't seen each other in like three days and you were inseparable.

- "I've missed you kie" you giggled as you hugged her too.

A few hours had gone by and now you were sitting on the sand next to your best friend while eating the sandwiches you and JJ had prepare before and watching the boys surf.

- "where's Sarah?" you asked, she wasn't there when you arrived but thought she might go later, she didn't.

- "she couldn't come today, something about a trip with her father i think, JB didn't say too much" Kiara said before eating the last portion of her sandwich.

You smiled at JJ as you saw how he was nailing one of the waves.

- "what's up with you two" your friend asked and looked at you.

- "what do you mean" you stopped looking at the boy you had a crush on to look back at Kie.

- "You perfectly know what i'm talking about Y/N, these past three days we barely saw JJ and you because you were hanging out together, this morning he was all excited about going to your house so he could, and i exactly repeat 'ask your mum in person' if you could come here, which is completely silly cause we both know she would never say no" you laughed at that last part.

- "we're just amazing friends Kie, that's it" you said turning your head towards JJ again, he was looking at you two too and waved with his right hand.

- "friends don't look at other friend's the way you look at each other" she smiled and tried to make you look at her, thing she did, "you like him, don't you" you could not help the little smile in your face as you scrunched your nose, "you do! oh my god you really do!" you faced her, "you have to tell him, right now!" Kiara grabbed your face between your hands.

- "you know i can't there's a specific rule about that" you tried to speak as your friend did not let go of your face.

- "oh come on! that rule is the most stupid thing i've ever heard!" you blanked your eyes at her and she finally let go of you.

- "even if that rule didn't exist i'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same"

- "who doesn't feel the same about what Y/N?" JJ asked as he walked towards you two and sat down, you looked at him as he took your towel out of your backpack and used it to dry his face, "because if it is me about feeling completely mesmerized about how beautiful you are i have to say that you're wrong" he smiled at you.

- "you arrogant son of a bitch!" you yelled at him while laughing. Kiara looked at you and winked her left eye before getting up and go running to the water.

- "so? what is it? my eyes?" he opened his eyes wide open "my beautiful and soft hair?" he ran his hand through his hair, you just kept looking at him play silly "or is it my abs?" he slapped his belly.

- "oh shut up!" you rolled your eyes at him and he just laughed at you.

- "no, seriously i want to know" you stopped looking at him and laid down on the sand, JJ copied your actions "ok, so if you're not gonna tell me what you like about me, i'm going to tell what i like about you" he turned over, now his back was facing the setting sun.

- "COOOME OOON, DON'T DO THIS TO ME, KIARA COME BACK PLEASE" you screamed as you covered your face with your hands.

- "sshhh, can you please not be dramatic for once in your life?" you still had your face covered but you could feel JJ gaze on it, "first of all you're the most careful person i've ever met, you always make sure everyone is ok and having a great time, you have amazing taste in music, your hair smells so good-"

- "oh my god have you stopped yet?" you laughed a little.

- "almost, you're an amazing cooker, you've the most amazing mum of all, i'm pretty sure there's no woman as beautiful as you are-"

- "finished?" your hands still on your face.

- "and one more thing" he lifted up one of his fingers in the air.

- "thank god" you took your hands of your face and looked at JJ who was smiling at you.

- "the Wi-Fi signal in your house is" he pecked his lips with his hand which made you burst on laughing and he too, "now, tell me what are the things you like about me".

- "i like" you kept looking at him with a frown on your face to make it seem as if you were thinking, "i like your name" you teased him.

- "my name? really?" you nodded, "i say all these beautiful things about you and that's what i get back?" you nodded again with a little grin on your lips, "you're gonna pay for this woman".

He quickly got up, grabbed you and positioned you over his shoulder as he started running towards the ocean, your friends were watching the scene.

- "JJ DON'T PUT ME DOWN THE WATER IS FREEZING" you yelled while 'punching' his back.

- "and what you gonna do if i do put you down?"

- "i'll kick your ass you pretty boy" you stopped punching his back.

- "i'd actually like to see that" instantly he jumped on the water with you still on his arms.

You two came out of the water facing each other. JJ hugged you when he saw that you were shivering.

- "now tell me, do you like eyes?" you nodded, "and my hair?" you kept nodding because you were so cold that talking was hard, "and what about my abs" you nodded again and he smiled and looked at you without breaking the embrace.

- "your Wi-Fi is pretty shitty tho" you said between shivers, he laughed and finally kissed you, JB and Pope were yelling lots of 'woohoo' and Kiara screamed 'FINALLY YOU BITCHES I HATE YOU' to which JJ and you smiled through the kiss.

The rest of the evening went fast, you ate some cookies Kiara had made and drank a little bit of beer. And at nine twenty five JJ and you said goodbye to your amazing friends and he took you to your house, arriving exactly at nine thirty and in one piece as he had promised your mum that morning, but he didn't leave for another ten minutes you spend just making out outside.

- "I knew i had heard JJ's bi-" your mum came out of the store while you two were still kissing and fast pulled away "oh, ok, i'll go back inside, food's ready by the way" she turned back and entered the store again.

JJ and you started crazily laughing and he pressed his forehead against yours.

- "i'll see you tomorrow?" he asked looking into your eyes.

- "of course you will pretty boy" you gave him a little peck on the lips and entered the store while he watched your every move and smiled.