#i feel like i should make a sideblog to scream about my fics

[navybrat817]

Dark and Light

Pairing: Winter Soldier x Female Reader, Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: You learn the real reason why Hydra wants to keep you.

Word Count: Over 2.65k

Warnings: Threat of dubcon/noncon, minor character death, violence, canon divergent, captivity, brainwashing, slight feels (it's me, okay?), Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?).

A/N: It's been almost 3 years since the last part of Soldat and Sparrow. Are you lovelies still interested? ❤️ Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @silkholland . Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

The cell they kept you in this time was larger than your last. It didn't make it any less uncomfortable. The thick gray walls surrounding you made the room suffocatingly quiet and hollow. You only knew the color thanks to the singular lightbulb in the center of the ceiling, too high for you to try and make a weapon out of the glass. Without windows, you didn't know it was dark or light outside.

There was no escape, but you couldn't give up hope.

It was maddening not knowing the time of day as you played the waiting game on the worn mattress in between meals and sleeping. The screams of your lover played on a morbid loop in your mind and you had to will yourself to not let tears surface. Other than temporary relief for your emotions and aching heart, crying would do you no good. It never did.

What you needed to do was focus.

The man on the bridge.

He triggered something inside of the Winter Soldier. Something Hydra wanted to keep locked away. But what was it?

Bucky. He called him Bucky. He knew him. But how?

Two hard knocks on the door pushed the thought away before it swung open. Narrowing your eyes as Brock walked in, you wondered if he could’ve been a good man in another life and fought for the people who needed it most the way he pretended to. This wasn’t that life though. He chose his side.

The wrong side.

“You know, I don’t get it,” he said, crossing his arms as he stood in the doorway. He didn’t hide the lust from his eyes as he looked you over. “I mean, the Asset does his job well, but it’s like he forgets all about being a soldier when he’s deep in your pussy.”

“What can I say? I guess my pussy’s just that good,” you sneered, not in the mood for his taunts or anything else.

“Is that right? Maybe he should fuck your ass next to get the stick out of it,” he snapped back. “Or are you too stuck up for that?”

Pierce had a range of prostitutes lined up to satisfy his soldiers, but Brock didn’t hide how pissed off he was that you were “given” to the Asset after that fateful training day. He claimed it was special treatment. He dropped the issue almost as quickly as it was brought up, which led you to believe he was either reprimanded or given something to shut him up.

“Is that what bothers you, Rumlow? That I'd rather fuck him than you?” You asked, tilting your head as you regarded him. “And just so we’re clear, I’ll never want you.”

Brock clenched his fists as he took a step forward. “You really are a fucking-”

“Let her be,” a melodic voice ordered behind him, making you stiffen as he moved out of the way.

The doctor, or Doc as most called him, stepped into the room with a kind smile on his face. Unassuming in stature, you knew better from the start than to judge him by appearance. The man was a snake in the grass ready to spread his venom to unsuspecting victims.

“How are you?” He asked.

You kept your eyes on him as he moved closer, doing your best not to show any emotion. The doctor somehow made you more uncomfortable than Rumlow and that said something. “How do you think I'm doing?”

“Hmm. Not well, I'm sure.”

“You guessed correctly,” you said.

You didn’t know why he bothered asking. Maybe he thought he was better than the others because he didn't physically hurt you. If anything, his indifference to the evil around him made it worse. It told you that he either justified or accepted it.

Either way, he disgusted you.

“Don't worry. You'll have the Soldat back soon and I’m sure you'll feel all better,” he assured you.

“You wiped him,” you reminded him, your voice cracking.

His screams echoed in your mind again, your heart aching as you tried to block it out. When pain knocked on the door, it didn't wait for an answer. It broke it down and made itself at home. But in the pain Hydra inflicted, the soldier found solace with you and you found the same with him. The light for each other within the darkness.

While you failed to protect him and couldn't stop what they did to his mind, you had to believe you’d help heal his soul once you had him back.

“We did indeed as we have many times.”

You knocked his hand away as he tried to place it on your shoulder, your stomach turning from his words. “Don't touch me.”

He held his hands up in surrender as he took a step back. “I mean no harm.”

“All of you mean harm,” you whispered.

The Soldat was your only bright spot in this nightmare. Ironic that he thought you were fire, bright and warm. The truth was you burned because of him. He was your eternal fuel that made the flames grow.

“I only want what is best for you,” Doc argued, his eyes void of any emotional depth behind his rimless glasses.

“Liar,” you whispered.

An exasperated sigh left his lips. “Now, now. I really do want what’s best for you. Don't you realize how important you are?”

“I'm not important,” you said. You never were. “Pierce made it clear that I don't have a purpose.”

But if that was the case, why were you still alive?

The doctor's chuckle made your blood run cold. “That's what he wants you to think. You see, the more they cut you down and make you question your worth, the easier it becomes for you to comply. Because by that point you’re so desperate for survival you'll do what is asked of you,” he explained, pushing his glasses up. “Yet you still only comply to an extent. It’s rather fascinating.”

He stared at you like you were a bug under a magnifying glass. And wasn’t that what you were to him? An experiment or something for him to study? “I haven't complied. I won't.”

“Oh, but you have,” Brock chimed in. You almost forgot he was still in the room. “Those missions you completed. The lives you took.”

Bile rose in your throat as images of violence and blood flashed in your mind. They would haunt you for the rest of your days. “No, I didn't want to hurt anyone.”

“Of course, you didn't. It’s as I said: desperation. You did what you had to do to survive,” the false sympathy from Doc grated on your nerves. “Don't let the weight of those souls wear you down. They were meaningless. But you? Oh, you are meant for more.”

He attempted to touch you again, but his hand moved toward your stomach this time instead of your shoulder. “I said don't touch me!” you snapped, scrambling backward to put distance between the two of you. As much as you wanted to hurt him, Brock was still there and could do a lot of damage.

The doctor pressed his lips together before he smirked. “Pierce and Rumlow are right. You have a hold on him. Even with his programming and orders, it all comes back to you,” he said, your body going rigid. Where was he going with this? “And it’s you that we want to carry his child.”

Your stomach churned again, but you weren’t sure if it was more at the thought that he wanted to force a child on you or that he’d try and force your soldier to impregnate you. “Care to repeat that?”

“You’re going to carry his child. You’re going to give birth to the perfect soldier. And you’ll keep doing so,” he said slowly like you were a petulant child, standing tall and proud as your mouth fell open in horror. “You’re the perfect incubator.”

Your stomach sank as you looked between him and Brock, wishing it was a sick joke. “No, I won't.”

“You think you have a choice?” The doctor questioned nonchalantly, like he was asking what you wanted for dinner. “And do you think the Asset needs to remember exactly what you mean to him to fuck you? I guess we'll see if he does. Science versus instinct.”

The room became eerily silent as the doctor gave you his first genuine smile since he walked in. You struggled to get your bearings and process the words. That was why you were still alive. They were going to make you an incubator. Force your soldier to breed you. They would take another choice away from him. And raise your children in captivity.

In Hell on earth.

“Well, that shut the bitch up,” Brock chuckled.

Before you could think, you launched yourself from the bed. The doctor’s eyes widened as you tackled him to the ground, unable to brace himself as you landed the first blow to his face. You straddled his waist, the second hit knocking his glasses away as fury rushed through your veins like a wildfire. He didn’t try to fight you off.

You could’ve cried. Screamed. Anything to keep him from making his twisted plan a reality.

The sound of a gun cocking stopped you from hitting Doc a third time.

“I won’t kill you,” Brock said, your fist frozen in the air as you looked toward him. Your chest heaved as you stared down the barrel of the gun. “But I’ll make it hurt if you don’t get up.”

“Go ahead,” you said through clenched teeth.

The doctor coughed, but held up a hand. “No shooting,” he croaked as you looked at him out of the corner of your eye. “No harming her.”

Brock’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head. “She can still lie down and take a cock if-”

None of you could have foreseen the metal hand punching through the wall. Before you could blink, the hand closed around Brock’s shoulder and pulled him through, his cry of pain silenced almost immediately by the sound of a gunshot. The doctor beneath you was long forgotten as you scrambled to your feet just in time to see your soldier step into the room through the hole, his face obscured by his typical mask and goggles.

But you felt his gaze on you as he stood like a dark angel ready to avenge you.

Hope launched into your chest like a shooting star as you smiled. “Soldat,” you whispered.

He came for you. Found you. But the star that filled your heart quickly faded when he didn’t move toward you or say “Sparrow”.

The dread grew stronger when he holstered his gun and took out his signature knife.

Was this the beginning of the end?

The doctor smiled as he wiped the blood from his lap and slowly stood up. “You really think he’s here to save you? Oh, no. He just doesn’t want any competition near his breeding partner,” he taunted as your eyes stung. “Back from your assignment early, Soldat? Good. Now you can complete your mission.”

The Winter Soldier tilted his head before he took a step forward.

You remained rooted to the spot, casting your fear that he’d force himself on you aside. “Bucky,” you said, using the name you heard. His real name. A tear rolled down your cheek when he flinched and tightened his fingers around the handle. “I’m not going to fight you. Or hurt you. Do you know why?”

Another step forward, your heart pounded as you stood as still as a statue. “Why?” He asked, the word clear to you through his mask.

The tears flowed freely as he stopped in front of you and slipped his goggles off, your heart breaking when he dispassionately looked at you. “Because I’m your Sparrow. Remember? My fire burns for you and you only,” you told him and pointed to your chest. You needed him to remember. “We swore we’d be free together. Somehow.”

“Don’t listen to her. Breed her and be done with it,” the doctor ordered.

The soldier’s brows furrowed before his metal hand came up around your neck, not squeezing or bringing you any harm.

But it felt like a warning.

“You won’t hurt me,” you breathed out, placing your hand on his arm as you kept your panic at bay. “They won’t break me. And I won’t leave you,” you promised, echoing his words when he took you the first time. “I’m yours.”

No matter what they forced him to do to you, he would never be to blame.

The doctor had the gall to smack the flesh arm when he made no move to shove you down on the bed or remove your clothes. “Finish your mission. Now.”

“It’s okay,” you mouthed.

Somehow, it would be okay.

“My mission…” the soldier began mechanically, not taking his eyes off you as he plunged the knife into the doctor’s jugular. You weren’t sure you could breathe. “Is to keep my Sparrow safe.”

An intake of air caught your sob as the metal hand fell away, the doctor collapsing as he tried in vain to stop the blood from leaving his body. It was useless. And a kinder death than he deserved.

“Hail,” he gurgled, his fingers stained red. “Hydra.”

“Just shut up and die,” you snapped as your soldier ripped his mask off. “Soldat,” you said, softer, almost crying all over again.

“Sparrow,” he whispered.

There was nothing gentle or sweet in the way pressed his lips to yours, but it was warm and safe as he pulled you against you. Your arms slipped around him as you returned the kiss, your cheeks still wet from crying. For a second there, you thought you’d lost him. For once, fate decided not to be cruel to you.

It brought you back together.

“I’m sorry I couldn't get to you sooner,” he said when he allowed you a moment to breathe, quickly scanning as much of you as he could. “Did they hurt you?”

“No, I’m okay. I just thought…” you trailed off with a shake of your head. “You came back to me.”

But how?

“I’ll always find you, Sparrow,” he said, touching your cheek as your heart swelled. “Steve helped me remember a lot of things. Including you.”

“The man on the bridge? You saw him again?” You asked before an alarm sounded, the blaring force echoing in the room.

“Yes. And his friend is sending reinforcements, so we need to go,” he said over the noise, nudging the doctor’s body with the toe of his boot before he stepped on his glasses.

“Where are we going?” You asked.

Where could you go since you no longer had a home? You had so many questions, but understood that you’d have to wait for answers. Getting out of there in one piece was your priority.

“Somewhere safe,” he answered, fear flickering in his eyes for a moment. “Do you trust me?”

“With my life,” you promised without hesitation. And anything else you had to offer him.

The next kiss was one of gentleness, relief, and thanks. “One thing before we leave.”

“What’s that?” You asked as he took your hand.

Love and determination filled his eyes as he glanced back at you and put a gun in your other hand. “We burn it down.”

You could hardly contain the fire inside you as you smiled. “Together.”

You didn’t know what the reinforcements would do or what would await you once you got out. It didn’t matter. Your soldier found his way back to you and you would follow wherever he went. The two of you would finally leave Hydra behind.

In a pile of rubble and ash.

But you’d find out soon enough that the man on the bridge wouldn't let your soldier go either.

I'll try not to let so much time pass before the next update. Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[birchbow]

@owl---feathers yeah I've posted about it on,,,, my main and my pale sideblog before, maybe? I wrote some bits in college of a fic where Gamzee gets captured by the Felt, presumed dead--then I forgot about it for years, then a few months ago somebody told me they always hoped to still read it someday, and I started putting in the work trying to get it postable. Ofc now that it has plot, instead of just like 15K words of bad shit happening to Gamzee, it's ballooned to almost 100K words and still isn't done. But that's my trademark at this point lol.

I'm genuinely such a sucker for "the guy I love is back but he came back Wrong but I still love him" and also "this person is deeply traumatized about being A Person and needs to learn how to be a human being that people love again", so.

--

The rest of your team is filtering down after you.  You should be listening to them as they talk, debriefing, talking over your next moves; you’re the leader, it’s your job.  But you can’t.  You can’t do anything except stand at the observation window and stare.

Gamzee was always thin, no matter how much you tried to feed him up, but now he’s fucking gaunt.  The beds in the holding cells are just inset bunks in the walls with mattresses riveted down onto them; the cuffs attached on either side of them aren’t long enough for him to leave the mattress but he’s making a solid fucking effort, thrashing and struggling at them, making vicious, animal sounds of fury.  His eyes are washed over featureless purple, his lips are cracked and chapped bloody, the soft brown of his skin has gone a pale, ashy gray-brown except for the blotchy flush of rage on his cheeks.

“Motherfucking cowards!” he screams, and slams against the cuffs as hard as he can, wiry muscle straining in his arms and chest, tendons standing out in his narrow throat.  “You’ll die and DIE AGAIN, you walking corpses!  My mission is holy!  MY MISSION IS HOLY, MOTHERFUCKERS!  I won’t be fucking swayed from it!  You’ll live to watch my Lord eat the marrow outta your bones, he’ll boil you fuckers alive in your own filthy motherfucking blood—!”

“Fuck,” says Eridan, heavy and thick with horror.  There’s still red smeared across his lips, and he’s leaning hard on Feferi’s shoulder.  “Should’ve been able to take him.  Woulda been able to take him before.  Fuck.”

Gamzee is laughing now, horrible, harsh laughter, like the horrific shit he’s describing is funny.  You don’t answer, because how the fuck could you?  What the fuck would you say?

“This is what they wanted to turn us into?”

“Eridan,” says Feferi, tightly.  

“Fuckin’, berserk murder machines—”

“Eridan.”

Eridan presses his lips together into a thin, unhappy line and looks away, sniffing hard.

“You think I don’t feel you out there?!” Gamzee snarls, and twists, thrashing at the cuffs.  They were made for the others, when they came back from the Scratch—the shed chitin of whatever you’re fused with is worked into them, and they don’t give.  Gamzee howls in fresh rage and stares wildly at the one-way mirror, eyes round and blank, nothing behind them but light.  “Smell you,” he hisses.  “Taste you.  Scared of me, motherfuckers, as well you fucking should be.  Scared what hell you’ll be sent to when I dig your hearts out with my hands and make you fucking eat them—!  Oh I taste it already, brothers and sisters, repent, it won’t fucking save you—”

“I can’t believe that’s him,” Kanaya says—quietly, flat and soft.  “What have they done with him?”

Whatever the fuck they wanted, you guess.  Six years.  Six fucking years.

[anxious-witch]

we still can't send asks from sideblogs? okay then

I just came here to say yes hello hi, I used to not care for soulmate fics and only got into them a year or two ago through a soulmate fic in another band fandom that also ripped my heart right out for many tens of thousands of words, and now here I am, feeling like a crushed bug in a useless class, ready to take a nap on the table or floor at 9:30 because I'd had the Inertia tab open for weeks now but always put it off because it was so long already and I didn't have time for it, and said yesterday night when I already should have gone to sleep "I'll just read the first chapter to get into it and then go to sleep" and idk how much later I have suddenly finished the whole fic and went through the full spectrum of human emotions while Jan slowly learns that maybe maybe he can let Nace in and he can talk to his friends about his soulmate troubles and they'll listen and be there for him even if they might metaphorically whack him over the head and tell him he's being a dick, and he's also going to therapy to work towards a better happier life with his friends and Nace as his friend and his soulmate and his boyfriend 🥰🥰🥰🥰

anyway I love so many things in each chapter, I hope I'll have time during the christmas break to go scream in the comments about each chapter and have my heart crushed and rebuilt in each chapter again ❤✨💖🥰🥺🌈

Apparently so, but dw, I also saw your reblog so I do know who you are 🤗

Funnily enough, I used to have a very similar view on soulmate au few years back, until a really good friend of mine didn't write the most heartbreaking soulmate au ever, and it was the best fanfic I read. After that I became kinda obsessed too, so it's nice to know I am participating in the cycle now 😂

Felt you sm about putting off a fic and then once you pick it up just reading it in one breath. I am honored my fic was one of those for you, that's a huge compliment.

I love writing through characters who go through the transformation, even if they only needed to realize they just need to let people care about them instead of pushing them away. For Jan, in this fic that isn't easy, so I'm really glad that roller-coaster of emotions is something that one can feel while reading.

I appreciate every comment so if you do decide to make them about parts you liked the best, that will definitely make me happy but this comment already means so much. Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know you liked my fic ❤️

[blackgwenstacy]

rolling with it (new girl au)

who’s that girlllllll (who’s that girl?) it’s piper, actually

bro, if piper had to room with anyone from the pjo-verse, leo, percy, and travis were definitely the most chaotic trio i could come up with

zero percent plot, one hundred percent self indulgent. here’s the ao3 link. it has the tags and characters and other important stuff lmao

“You know, I’ve been doing some introspection, and I just have to face it,” Piper starts, sitting forward and placing her chin in her palm. “I have horrible taste in men. I mean, I rearrange my whole life to revolve around Dylan, only for him to cheat on me with the girl he knows I couldn’t stand in high school. I should’ve seen that one coming. ‘Oh, we’re just lab partners, Piper. Nothing for you to worry about.’ Oh yeah, me walking in on her wearing my silk kimono robe that I got as a bid day gift seven years later is totally nothing for me to worry about.”

Piper finishes her overly long tirade with a sarcastic laugh, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair. The three men on the other side of the kitchen island watch her in silence, a shared look of confusion on their faces.

“Wait,” Piper sits up again, “what was the question?”

One of them gives an awkward cough. “…What do you do for a living?”

“Oh,” Piper says. Her faces goes warm. “I work at an animal shelter.”

The tallest one furrows their brow. “You got a silk kimono robe as a bid day gift?”

“It had ‘ADPi' on the back and everything. I have to burn it now.”

He whistles. “That’s fucked up.”

The man with black hair and vibrant green eyes leans forward onto the counter. “Look—sorry, what was your name again?”

“Piper,” she says miserably.

He nods, putting a hand on his chest. “Percy. Piper, are you sure you’d be. . . okay rooming with us? Like, three adult men?”

“Well, I wouldn’t room with three underaged men. That’d be like. . .weird,” she comments, and then immediately resists the urge to slap her forehead.

The curly haired one wearing a green flannel and stained white tank top snorts into his hand.

Piper clears her throat. “It’s fine, it’s totally fine. I love men.” An awkward pause. “ . .in a non-heterosexual way. Well, yes that way because I swing that way but like, in a platonic way. In a roommate way. Men are. . . great.”

“Your latest tweet says ‘men are trash fr’ with two cry laughing emojis,” the tall one remarks, squinting at his phone. His eyebrows raise in surprise. “It has 3k retweets and 10k likes.”

Flannel-boy leans over to peer at the phone screen. “How the hell is it so easy for people to go viral on that app?”

His roommate smirks. “Tweetdecking. I do it all the time. Such easy clout.”

“I wasn’t tweetdecking.” Piper bitterly mutters. “I was just saying what everyone else was thinking.”

Percy gives his roommates a dirty look. Piper's kind of surprised she's not on the other end of it the way this is going. “Travis, why are you stalking her on Twitter?”

“Background checking, dude.”

“How did you even find it?”

“His lurk game is insane,” flannel-boy says.

“She’s right in front of us!” Percy widens his eyes, exasperated.

Piper gives a small wave to emphasize Percy’s point. “Hi.”

The other two barely acknowledge that she said anything. Travis lifts both his hands in defense. “Look, I’m just making sure she’s not crazy or anything—“

“I’m not,” Piper insists. Though if he continues to scroll through her Twitter profile she figures why he might come to a different conclusion. “I’m not crazy. Nowhere on the DSM-5. Totally normal. Plus, it’ll be like I’m not even here. Trust me. I work most days, and on top of that, I have depressive episodes where I isolate myself in my room for weeks.”

The three of them wear a concerned look. She bites the inside of her cheek, realizing that she may have pled her case a bit too much.

“Okay, maybe a little bit on the DSM-5. Look, I know I’m a girl and that will throw the natural balance of things for a little bit, but I swear I’m chill! Basically one of the guys.”

“Bruh girl,” flannel-boy interjects. “I’ve dated one of those. Not gonna lie, I prefer the ones who use the pouty face emoji.”

Piper’s eyes flit between the three of them in confusion. “What are we talking about?”

Percy glares at his roommate. “Ignore Leo, he’s an idiot.”

Leo makes a comment about comparing SAT scores. Travis shakes his head at him and points at one of three jars that sit on fireplace mantel. “Douchebag. Douchebag. We’re literally college grads, who cares about SAT scores?”

Leo grumbles to himself as he crosses toward the fireplace. They watch as Leo reaches into his pocket, pulls out a crumpled dollar and shoves it into the jar labeled ‘Douchebag.’ Instead of rejoining them in the kitchen, Leo throws himself onto the living room sofa.

Piper laughs nervously, not sure how react with this established dynamic. Percy picks up on her discomfort and gives her a sympathetic look.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna room with other girls?”

Piper frowns, twiddling her thumbs. “I’m rooming with other girls right now. My old sorority sister is letting me stay with her. She’s a model and so are her roommates. I hate it.”

Leo abruptly sits up, raising his eyebrows in interest. “How soon can you move in?”

[bucksblr]

@mdzsnet get to know our members event

↬ the most un-lan to ever lan

ru – ‘98 liner – western european – lan jingyi enthusiast

i first got introduced to mdzs when netflix asked me if i wanted to watch a historical chinese drama about two swordfighting gays, and ever since it’s been a wild ride. it took me about a month to finish cql and then i immediately started reading the novel, which i finished just three days before new years. i couldn’t stop thinking about mdzs and eventually i caved and made my mdzs sideblog (under the url lanzhanis) in february of 2020. this was a month or so after i first picked up giffing and i didn’t really start giffing for cql until april as i was primarily focused on making kpop gifs on my main blog. but there wasn’t a lot of cql content on my dashboard and i wanted to change that. i initially searched for a mdzs related network but i couldn’t find anything so eventually i said fuck it and started mdzsnet on april 13th, 2020. through the network i have met an abundance of wonderful people, especially my two co-admins hope and hanyi. running the network has been a comforting constant in my life and it gives me great joy to see so many people started connecting with each other because of it.

other danmeis i have read include tgcf (my url is based on a popular side ship from this novel), svsss, 2ha, tbc, and fake slackers. there’s a lot of danmeis on my to read list (spl, golden stage, modu, yuwu, tattoo, guardian, etc.) and i’m currently reading guide at how to fail at online dating!

outside of danmei i am also a kpop and anime fan. my ult kpop group is stray kids and my ult bias is lee know, if you’re interested you can catch me screaming about them 24/7 over at @minhho. as for anime, you can find me over at @nangojo. some of my all time favorite animes include sk8, jjk, given, yoi, banana fish, and aot.

you can check out my carrd or find me on twitter. i also (try to) write fics on archiveofourown! (i have a lot of fengqing and some wangxian fics in my drafts but i haven’t gotten around to finishing any of them)

fun facts

i am trying to drag my three irl friends who are all kpop stans into the danmei hellhole but so far i have not yet succeeded (one day i will)

i decided to rewatch cql when i saw a girl with a wangxian totebag at a day6 concert and it blew my mind

i have a fic recs page on which there’s currently 39 wangxian fics which you all should read

the reason i chose lan jingyi for this introduction post is not only because he’s my favorite mdzs character, but because i feel like i found my family on here just like lan jingyi did with the other juniors and the twin jades

i chose a rainbow flag color layout because as a pan-ace i’m part of the lgbtq+ community and i have a strong feeling our dear boy lan jingyi is as well

[starleska]

aaaa I kinda wanna make a DHMIS side blog and write some fic but seeing so many ppl start getting harassment out of nowhere is so discouraging 😂 wishing you all the best, I love your warren stuff (and sorry about those mean anons!!)

oh, sweetheart. i'm so, so sorry that you feel this way. this is dreadful. Don't Hug Me I'm Scared fandom, look at this ask. over the past week myself and many other fans of the shorts and show have been receiving vile messages. death threats, wishes that our favourite characters should die in horrible ways, and personal attacks. the level of harassment the fandom has reached is unconscionable. if you're one of those individuals who thinks it's a great time to spew filth into people's inboxes, or to scream at artists/writers/theorists through tags because you really don't like a fictional character, or even enjoy watching the fireworks like people's emotions are some kind of sport? re-evaluate your life for a moment. right here, you have an individual who is too scared to engage with their interest because of this harassment. now, i'm thankful i'm in a good place mentally and am able to laugh this stuff off. i've liked weird characters and been bashed for it before, and it will happen again. but these people are forming an unsafe, toxic environment. it's not 'lmao this freak likes the worm i'm gonna send death threats 😂'. it's them taking time out of their day to make others miserable because they can't handle other people liking something they don't. i find it unbelievably ironic that it's posting about Warren, of all characters, that is drawing such ire. joking about how he's ugly and a terrible person is one thing, that's all in good fun - he's both! but did the actual message of that episode go entirely over their heads, or is their media comprehension so dim they believe it to be a one-to-one depiction of reality? for anyone who has been made to feel unsafe in this manner - whether in this fandom or another, for liking an unpopular character or for just trying to enjoy themselves - you don't need to give these people your energy. go ahead and make that sideblog. post those headcanons. make your art and write about your ships and create your AMVs. and do everything you need to do to keep yourself and your mental health safe. it's okay to turn off anon, it's okay to delete replies, and it's okay to block liberally when assholes come into your space looking to ruin your day because their own lives are so vapid and hollow. anon, thank you so much for your kind words and for being so sweet to me - i'm really glad you like my silly Warren content! i think you should make that sideblog and have a blast with it. for every awful ask i've received, there's been a hundred other messages, reblogs, tags and more gushing and theorising and just having a great time. the fandom as a whole isn't bad - it's just a couple of people who have nothing better to do and want to project their insecurities outwards. don't worry about them. they're leading profoundly sad lives. take care of yourself, and i hope, with time, these people grow up a little and learn to enjoy themselves. 💖

[navybrat817]

A Hero's Reward

Pairing: Dark!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Bucky is a hero and every hero deserves a reward.

Word Count: Almost 500

Warnings: Implied NONCON/DUBCON, kidnapping, dark Avengers, possessive behavior, Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?).

A/N: The Basement Spouses Writing Challenge Week 5! Character: Bucky Barnes. Length: 200-500 words. Prompt: "Wherever you go and whatever you do, all you will feel is me." ❤️ @krirebr , thank you for chatting me about this and everyone should check out What You Can Do For Your Country. Written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @saradika . Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Heroes were meant to make the world a better place. They exemplified courage, resilience, and determination while serving as living embodiments of values and ideals that many admired. They offered protection and safety. And you were lucky enough to live in a time with The Avengers, the self-proclaimed world's mightiest heroes who saved the Earth time and time again.

But no one liked to talk about the burden placed on their shoulders. Or that they had their own needs outside of the fight. So what did the heroes take for their reward? Whatever they wanted.

Bucky Barnes, also known as The Winter Soldier, only wanted one thing.

You.

“Look at me,” he ordered above a whisper.

You brushed a tear away as you lifted your gaze and moved back to the corner of your bed to cower. The cell Tony made was comfortable enough, but the massive size and aura of Bucky made it seem small and dark. It would never be your home. They took you from it the moment the Soldier decided he wanted you as his personal doll. You were told it was an honor and a privilege.

The same thing they told the occupants in the other cells, each one a reward chosen by the various team members.

“Bucky,” you said, your voice hoarse from your earlier screams. You managed to break free from your cell earlier that day, but the relief was temporary since you were quickly caught and dragged back. “I just want to go home, Sir. Please.”

Bucky observed you as he walked toward the bed, his icy blue eyes not leaving your trembling form for a second. “This place is only temporary. Steve and I will move you and his girl into our new home once it's ready,” he told you, brushing his metal hand along your cheek as you tried not to flinch. “Do you remember what I told you your first night here?”

“Yes,” you answered, trying to block out the memory.

You fought him. Well, you tried to. He quickly proved why he was a hero in the physical sense when he overpowered you. He then proved why he was your villain when he split you open with his cock.

“Yet you still tried to run,” he said, his voice laced with hurt and anger. “Wherever you go and whatever you do, all you will feel is me.”

A shiver of fear and anticipation ran down your spine as he straightened up and unbuckled his belt. You knew what was coming, but it didn't make it any easier. The worst part deep down was how much you liked him owning you. That was why you had to get away.

But he would never let you go.

“So let me remind you how good it feels when I'm inside you,” he said, tugging the sheet away when you tried to cover yourself. “And let's see you try and run from me by the time I'm done with you.”

He can keep me. That's fine! Love and thanks for reading. ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[triforce-of-mischief]

I posted 2,584 times in 2022

That's 2,584 more posts than 2021! (surprised pikachu face)

286 posts created (11%)

2,298 posts reblogged (89%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@silvercaptain24

@squigglywindy

@hyah-lian

@zartophski

@socialc1imb

I tagged 2,338 of my posts in 2022

Only 10% of my posts had no tags

#lu - 643 posts

#lu legend - 236 posts

#fable's asks - 185 posts

#writing - 135 posts

#fic rec - 133 posts

#lu warriors - 121 posts

#lu wind - 109 posts

#botw - 97 posts

#demigirl - 96 posts

#chatting with squiggles! - 95 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#wanna show you're legit without having to interact while you're still shy? customize your picture and background and description! it's fun!

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Don't mind me I just need to Look At Him

164 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#4

No Hat Legend Compilation 

167 notes - Posted October 2, 2022

#3 (dont freak out theyre both deleted now)

🚨Head's up, artists!🚨

There's a couple of new users who think they have to gain popularity by any means necessary. I've tried explaining that this is not Twitter/Insta but they are now completely ignoring me.

illusion984 is stealing art and reposting most of it on their sideblog illusion984zeldaedition. Supposedly it is all taken from DeviantArt but I have seen them repost a few things I know from Tumblr.

pennydog2020 is reposting art as well, along with reblogging illusion984's stolen art.

Again, I have tried reasoning with them since they are clearly new. pennydog2020 appeared to be guilty, but they are now ignoring my asks telling them to take down their reposted art.

The hyperlinks lead directly to the respective blogs so you can block (and report if that's an option). I didn't tag them directly because I want to do this as peacefully as possible.

Please reblog to spread the news! Thank you! 💚

189 notes - Posted October 17, 2022

#2 (ooh i love this one)

Trypanophobic Whumpee ✨

Whumpees who hide their wounds to avoid medical attention, out of fear rather than pride.

Whumpees who scream and sob and plead when Caretaker brings them to the medic/doctor/hospital.

Whumpees who are too quiet and submissive, terrified to act out.

Whumpees who are jumpy and completely snap at the first sudden move.

Whumpees who lock themselves in the bathroom to delay the inevitable.

Whumpees who want to be sedated but not with a syringe/IV, anything but that.

Whumpees who can't stop reliving the trauma of being physically restrained in the past.

Whumpees who try to flinch back, to run away, and find themselves in Caretaker's gentle but unyielding embrace.

Whumpees whose hands shoot out in self-defense only to be grabbed and held by Caretaker.

Whumpees who have to tell Caretaker, voice hushed, about their phobias, and watch the horror and sympathy spread over Caretaker's face.

Whumpees who only trust Caretaker to get anywhere near them, even if Caretaker is holding a needle, not knowing why they feel safe when they should feel scared.

****

Caretakers who can't decide if it's better to tell Whumpee where they're taking them or if it would be a mercy to keep the secret just a little longer.

Caretakers who know about Whumpee's phobias and feel the crushing guilt as they force Whumpee to live through their greatest fears for their own good.

Caretakers who don't know what's worse, the utter betrayal in Whumpee's eyes or the resignation once they stop fighting.

Caretakers who have to tell Whumpee to Don't look over there, eyes on me, you'll make it worse for yourself if you look.

Caretakers who know if they should stay quiet, tell Whumpee what's happening, soothe and distract with words, show them how to breathe deep and steady.

Caretakers who scream just as loudly as Whumpee when the medics/nurses have to hold Caretaker back from fighting the ones who are holding Whumpee down because Caretaker knows it's wrong.

Caretakers who apologize and praise Whumpee, even- especially- when Whumpee knows they were not brave, but they got through it anyway.

****

Please reblog if you like these, and tag me if you use them or have any recs that use them! I would love to read! 💜

315 notes - Posted October 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

reblog, don't repost! 💜

864 notes - Posted November 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[arteacactus]

Can we get a sick fic Janus hiding in his room until someone else breaks down the door? Cause he thought no one would care

this is so out of nowhere bc i like never get fic requests here anymore it’s like always on my sideblog hissceit ,, but it’s 10000% welcome and appreciated JDFJFD thank u .. also i apologize for how needlessly wordy this is HAHA i strayed from the prompt like .. a lot

warnings for sickness , the coughs , vomiting, sore throat , etc , the whole shebang-- and some cursing 

-----

It’s not that Janus had never been sick before, it’s just that...

Well, he’d never been sick before.

He wasn’t positive why (which irked him; he hated being in the dark about things, especially things concerning himself), but he had some theories- the most plausible one thus far simply being that while Thomas had always viewed the Light Sides as human, to some extent, he saw Janus as a two-faced snake; a monster kept hidden away in the shadows under his bed. And monsters didn’t get touched by things like disease. So while the others got touched with sickness occasionally, Janus never did.

But if Janus was getting sick now..

That implied that after he told them his name, Thomas started seeing him as somewhat human, too, with vulnerabilities like the rest.

He wasn’t sure just how he felt about that, but he didn’t love it (he liked being untouchable, okay?).

Ah, well, Janus supposed the why didn’t matter much at the moment. He could ponder that after the fact.

Right now was the time to think about how to end it, because it was pure torture.

He was too hot and too cold all at once, his head throbbed and his body ached in places he never knew could ache, his eyes were sore and oozing and his nose wasn’t faring much better. His throat was raw as if he’d spent hours and hours screaming at nothing, and even after trudging his way into the Dark Side’s kitchen for a cup of tea (though it was more like a cup of honey and lemon with a hint of green tea), it felt absolutely no better; in fact, he just felt worse, because he had to leave bed, go downstairs, spend twenty minutes standing around to make the tea, and then go back up the stairs to his room again.

He’d been fidgeting with his blankets for the past three hours; having them on made him too hot, having them off made him too cold, and so he settled for having one leg covered and nothing else (oddly enough, this was actually a good compromise). The air in his room was hot and stuffy which certainly didn’t help- nor did it help his sinuses any, as it made his headache pound worse and his airways were thoroughly blocked off. He dreaded drinking or swallowing anything as it sent the most uncomfortably painful sensation down his throat and rendered him to a groaning, pained mess.

He clutched his pillow weakly, pressing his head into the hot surface. He hated this. Usually, he thrived in the heat, as his room was typically colder than a jail cell, but this time he wanted it gone. He wished it was winter, just so he could full-body launch himself into a mound of snow and sleep for eternity. 

He felt a slight tug, the distinct feeling of someone requesting his presence, and promptly shooed it away. Not only was he just wearing pants, but he was sick, and he’d rather die than show that level of weakness to anybody.

Three days before, when he’d first felt his symptoms come on, he’d briefly considered going to someone for help; perhaps Remus, because he was his best friend, or Logan, because surely he’d know how to handle diseases and how to cure them, or maybe even Patton, because he was a father figure and might have even made him soup- but he had quickly banished the thought. Sure, maybe they knew his name now, but they still really didn’t like him and had absolutely no reason to help him and not laugh at his predicament.

Well. Remus liked him well enough, but he would have just taken his morning star and bashed Janus across the head with it and called it good, so Janus had to pass on that.

Another tug came, a little more forcefully this time, and Janus dismissed it, just as forcefully. For a little precaution, he took a deep breath and waved his hand, locking up his room so no one could rise up/appear in it, nor could they come through his door. The strain it put on him to maintain that lock was almost enough to make him pass out, but he didn’t dare remove it; he couldn’t risk anybody seeing him in this state. 

He forced his body to roll over to the side, pressing his face into his pillow and sighing in relief as his nose unplugged just enough to take a deep breath in. He found himself actually wishing he’d sneeze, just for the temporary relief it brought. 

He pointedly ignored the next few tugs that hit him, though they weren’t as forceful and harsh as the past couple were. He could only assume the only reason they actually wanted him up there was to lecture him, because him being incapacitated like this surely was affecting Thomas in some way that they didn’t like.

Well, sucks to be them, Janus thought in mild frustration, I’m staying right here until this all goes away and I don’t want to die anymore.

Eventually, the incessant tugging slowed to a stop, and then they finally left him alone.

Letting out a relieved sigh, Janus curled his body into a tight ball, cringing at the sticky feeling of his sweaty skin against his silk sheets, and tried to fall asleep.

Thankfully, sleep claimed him easily, and he drifted off.

However easily it came, though, it certainly wasn’t very forgiving. 

He didn't wake up randomly, but he kept getting thrown so many vivid nightmares and odd, fever-induced dreams that he almost wished he was waking up every few minutes, if only to get away from whatever things his mind kept throwing at him.

He wasn’t awake, but he was aware of his own constant tossing and turning, his bed creaking in protest every time he thrashed and threw his body around the mattress, and when he finally did open his eyes (his throbbing head wasn’t very appreciative of it), he realized he’d somehow twisted himself so his head was at the foot of his bead and his blankets had been fully tossed onto the floor. His pillows weren’t faring much better; only two of his usual six remained in place, and they were mangled to death, the rest on the floor with his blankets.

Janus truly couldn’t bring himself to give a damn- instead, he weakly pushed his body upright, trying not to topple over as his head swam, and fell right back down in the proper position. Thankfully, though, his head not touching the pillows in a while meant they were delightfully chilled, and he moaned aloud at the lovely sensation it brought him. Absently he wondered if he should gather the strength to get himself an ice pack or run an ice bath, but thought better of it. After all, he was still part snake; he’d rather not throw himself into a self-induced comatose state from the cold. 

He blindly reached out and grabbed ahold of his bedside clock, a little antique thing he designed himself to fit his aesthetic despite being very poor at reading Roman numerals, and squinted as he tried to decipher how long he’d been asleep for.

He nearly dropped the thing upon realizing he’d slept for eleven straight hours.

He slid it back onto his nightstand and groaned loudly, though it quickly turned into a pained, chest-wracking cough. He couldn’t avoid it; he had to get up and eat something, or drink something, or get literally anything in his body, because whether he liked it or not, that was the only way he was going to get over this thing quicker. 

He managed to move just enough to get up and off the bed (nevermind the fact he nearly fell straight on the floor the second he stood), and took a couple shaky steps towards the door. The moment he reached out to turn the knob, though, the knocking started.

He froze, looking like a deer caught in headlights as he stared wide-eyed at the piece of wood in front of him, the only thing separating him from them.

There was a call of ‘Janus?’ that was so soft, Janus didn’t actually know who it came from; but that didn’t matter now, because the doorknob was turning and fuck, when did he let go of his lock?

Janus snapped his fingers, and managed to summon all but his hat when the door opened and revealed- much to his surprise- Virgil.

Janus and Virgil blinked at each other for a moment, dumbfounded, but thankfully, Virgil didn’t seem to see anything off about him, and just lowered his gaze and shrunk into his hoodie, refusing to meet Janus’ eyes.

“We- uh, they were trying to call you earlier today, you know.” Virgil’s voice was low and gruff, and Janus could honestly say this was the best possible Side to come see him. Remus was loud and shrill, Patton was too cheery and Roman was boisterous- Logan probably wouldn’t have been awful, but with his insistence to look everyone in the eye as he spoke to them, Janus was sure he’d have deciphered what was going on in a second.

“I’m aware,” Janus replied, internally cringing at his rough tone. He cleared his throat, which was screaming in protest at speaking. 

Virgil didn't seem to notice- or if he did, he didn’t care. “Well. You made them worry, and they sent me to come collect you.”

“Worr- Collect?” Janus echoed in confusion, taken off guard by everything Virgil said.

“Yeah, uh, you worried them so now they won’t take no for an answer. You’re gonna have to come with me.” Virgil, at least, seemed a little sheepish saying this, but he also has a particularly determined and frustrated look to him. Clearly, he wasn’t happy being the one picked to come ‘collect’ Janus, and he wasn’t going to take no from him as an answer, either.

“Wh-” Janus was cut off as Virgil gripped his arm, and any protests he could have made died on his tongue as they started moving. Dizziness attacked him with such ferocity that he was honestly astounded that he hadn’t immediately fallen over, and his stomach lurched at the speed they were moving. Of course, he didn’t bring this up, just took a deep breath and pushed through. After all, Virgil was the last person he wanted to know about his current state.

Once Virgil brought them across the line that separated the Dark Sides from the Light Sides, the immediate bright artificial light from the lamps and ceiling lights making his head pound in a way that was even worse than what the red light of the heat lamps in the snake terrariums in his room caused. 

The air here, though, was clear and fresh, and he basked in the coolness of it as it surrounded him. If it wasn’t for the lights, he’d almost be tempted ask to stay for a while.

Once they made it to the living room, Virgil released him from his grasp, and slunk over into his own corner in the stairwell- and Janus found himself standing right next to Logan.

Unfortunately, they were all staring at him.

Time to put your acting skills to work, Janus, he thought to himself as he heaved an internal sigh, and plastered a toothy grin on his face that bared his sharp canines just enough to make them flinch away.

“So. I was summoned?” His throat protested speech, but thankfully his voice came out smooth and silky, not one bit of it hinting towards his predicament.

“Yeah, and you never answered..?” Thomas seemed more concerned than anything, but Janus definitely saw some suspicion on Roman’s expression (he couldn’t blame him, after how his name reveal went), and Patton was more fidgety than usual. Logan, bless him, didn’t seem to be acting any different, and Virgil looked just as bored as he usually was.

Remus, however...

Well, Remus was looking at Janus with a suspicious gaze similar to Roman’s but far more scrutinizing. Janus briefly felt a flare of panic. If there was anyone here to notice he was off, it would be his best friend, who he lived with and saw every day.

“I was resting, Thomas, would you blame your personification of self-preservation for taking a day off for self-care?” Janus’ tone was exasperated. He wasn’t lying, not really; he was resting, and he was taking a day off for self-care.

Just.. more than one day.

“Respectfully, I have to.. what is the term, ‘call bullshit’?” Came Logan’s voice next to him, and he hoped to God that Logan didn’t notice Janus’ feverish tremors. “You’ve been MIA for the past few days, and it’s escalated to the point where Thomas is beginning to react to it. There is something else going on, and we’d like to know what’s going on.”

Ah, yes, for the good of Thomas, Janus couldn’t help but think a little bitterly, Really, I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like they’d worry about my wellbeing. “I’m afraid I wasn’t bullshitting you, Logan,” Janus replied coolly, “It was the truth.”

“Then how come your room looked trashier than Remus’?” Virgil’s voice, where earlier it was comfortingly gruff, was now an offputting growl. Despite his words, though, Janus could tell he was trying to act like he didn’t actually care. He took note of that, because Virgil caring about him was odd.

“Rearranging,” Janus replied simply, and hoped they took that alone as an acceptable answer.

Of course, they didn’t.

“You never rearrange,” Virgil’s tone turned accusatory, and then Patton cut in. 

“Well, maybe then that’s why he’s doing it now? For something fresh?” He sounded hopeful, as if he couldn’t wait for this entire conversation to be over. Janus felt similarly.

“I’ve lived with him, Patton, I know him, and it’s not something that happens.” Virgil argued, but this seemed to set off Remus as he cut in with, “And you left, so who are you to claim you ‘know him’?”

This sparked an argument amongst themselves, as they fought over the sudden new topic that thankfully centered around Virgil more than anything, and with Logan, Roman, and Thomas trying to mediate, there was no attention put on him anymore.

Janus took this momentary distraction to let out a sigh of relief, the mix of loud voices and trying to act like nothing was up was doing absolutely no good for his headache and exhaustion. He mourned the loss of his hat, because he could have used that to hide his face away from the lights that were bearing down on him and making his skin feel uncomfortably hot.

Though perhaps that was from all the layers of his outfit.

Unfortunately, though, as the seconds passed, the voices seemed to get louder, the lights got brighter, the clothes got hotter and his stomach was churning, his hands were sweating, his head was pounding his legs were getting shaky oh god his ears were ringing oh fuck fuck stop the noise please turn off the lights please stop please stop-

Distantly, he felt his throat start hurting intensely and he realized he was speaking out loud, stammering out pleads that were growing muffled as everything swamped him. His hands raised to cover his ears, trying to drown out the noise around him, and his legs gave out beneath him. He collapsed, feeling something warm and wet trickle down his face- tears? Was he crying? No, surely he was just imagining the feeling- but before he hit the hard floor, he felt something grab a hold of him, long, spider-like fingers gripping the undersides of his arms like a lifeline. He felt sharp nails and soft ruffles and realized Remus had caught him, he must have run from his spot to catch him before he fell, and Janus felt the stinging gaze of everybody on him. He felt like a mouse that was dropped into a snake’s cage for feeding, cowering beneath the penetrating gaze of the predator before him. The roles were reversed, and he hated it.

He managed to pry open his own eyes- when had he shut them?- and the moment he saw the horrified gazes trained on him, he fled.

He forced himself from Remus’ arms and he vanished, retreating back to his room, where the lights were off and the curtains were shut and the only thing he had to deal with was the light of his snakes’ heat lamps.

The hot, stuffy air attacked him with a vengeance, though, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care. He stripped himself of his clothes again, his skin glistening, heat radiating off of his person. 

He hurriedly locked up his room again, and fell to his knees beside his bed, and retched.

Thankfully, he’d managed to grab his trashcan, but it didn’t make him feel any less humiliated.

He thought he was doing himself a favor, hiding his state from all of them, but from not going to just one of them when he could, he had ended up breaking down in front of all of them. 

Body trembling and chest heaving, Janus collapsed onto the hard floor beneath him, unable to pull himself onto his bed, and curled up into a tight ball.

He wanted this to end.

Janus was so caught up in his misery that he didn’t even notice pounding on his door, all of his senses wrapped up in himself, in his throbbing head and hot skin and burning throat and sore stomach and the sound of his blood pumping in his ears, until there was a deafening ‘crash’ and splinters of wood came flying into his room.

He flinched at the noise and forced himself to sit up, but the sudden movement made him gag, and he found himself panting like a dog trying to cool himself off and calm down his raging nausea. 

There was a barrage of voices at first, but they were quickly hushed- from what, he didn’t know- and then a delightfully cold hand clutched his bicep, and he couldn’t hold back the relieved moan he let out in response.

“I’m gonna put you in bed, okay, Janus?” Came a soft voice- Remus- and Janus didn’t protest as he was gently lifted up by the Creative twin. Admittedly, he didn’t even know Remus could be that gentle, but he was grateful for it nonetheless.

There was some quiet shuffling and the sound of a dull ‘smack’ and then someone cursing softly, but soon enough Janus was set down on a set of smooth cotton sheets, clean and cool, and an absolute blessing.

“Jan-Jan, why didn’t you tell us you were sick?” Remus’ tone was scolding, like a parent to a young child (ironic, considering Janus was the one who raised Remus), and Janus opened his eyes just enough to see Remus’ face swathed in the shadows of his room. 

“Weak,” Janus croaked in reply, his voice wrecked, “Di’n.. wan’ see.”

“Your pride is going to be the death of you,” Remus sighed, and Janus heard some other voices pipe in.

“We would have helped you, Janus,” Thomas sounded sad, almost regretful. For what, Janus would never know.

“Indeed,” Logan’s voice was a comfort, Janus was willing to admit. “In fact, I will begin researching how to best care for this as soon as possible, so you are in utmost comfort while you recover.”

“I’ll make some soup,” Came Patton’s quiet promise, “And water, and tea.”

“I changed your bedsheets,” Roman seemed shy, “If you need me to, I can try and make a set that keeps you cooled down.”

Janus almost moaned aloud at the thought, and Roman must have seen it in his expression because he perked up right away. 

“Sorry for, uh, dragging you away so forcefully,” Virgil muttered, and Janus just managed to flap his hand dismissively. 

“You didn’ know.” He mumbled weakly, and he felt Remus’ cool touch brush away hair that clung to his sweaty forehead. 

“And now we do. So we’re going to take care of you, because we care about you.” He promised in a tone with no room for argument, with the others murmuring in agreement behind him.

And for once, Janus believed him, and let himself be taken care of.

[moonchild1]

check in tag ✨

Thank you for tagging me @myghobi this is my first time doing this so I'm a little excited 😄

1. Why did you choose your url?

oh no not the url honestly it's in limbo right now I just chose the first thing I could think of cause I'm still deciding on one and I want to change it every day but my mind in blank so until my creative juices flow I'm stuck with that one

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them name them and why you have them?

Unfortunately no I can barely manage the one I already own I can't imagine having handling more

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

about 10 months I think

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but I'm curious about it so maybe when I post another list I'll use it

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Hmmm well at first I just made the account to keep up with the fics I was reading then it became sorta like a safe place to be myself in some way so I actually made the account into something so I could post and interact with the writers and then I wanted to keep track of all the fics I've read on this app which lead me to making fic rec lists and I think people enjoyed them so I just made more and that's how my blog was born but I'm still learning how to do things and I want to improve certain things on my page seeing as I'm still finding my way here so watch this space cause I might change the whole thing up and show you a completely different side.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

If I haven't made it known I'm jungkook biased so it's gotta be him �� and I like the vibe of that picture

7. Why did you choose your header?

moonchild = moon you see where I went with it (oh I'm also emotionally attached to mono so it's a given)

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

uhmmm I think it's my very first fic rec list and I was so nervous about posting it

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I don't think I have any... well I have a few people I talk too and who are really sweet and sooo nice but I'm not sure if we're mutuals I would never know and would it be weird to ask that?? sorry I'm so awkward but if we are mutuals I'm sorry just send me a message saying we are mutuals dummy😂 I would love to have mutuals though so let's me mutuals I'm here send me messages send me asks if you want to be my mutual or just to talk 😚 I won't bite and I will answer I'm not that bad I promise 🥺🥺

10. How many followers do you have?

I think over 200

11. How many people do you follow?

woah trust me you don't want to know I'm not even sure I know 😂 but it's ALOT

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

I have no idea what that is but it sounds bad 😳😳 ✨ educate me oh wise tumblr people✨

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

each day *voice cracks* uhmmm I would say the normal amount you know like definitely a normal amount of times like it's probably a very normal amount so my final answer is a normal amount of times

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

No I have never and I hope I never do conflict isn't for me

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I haven't come across any like that

16. Do you like tag games?

seeing as this is my first one and I enjoying it I'm going to go ahead and say yes ☺️

17. Do you like ask games?

I would love them 🥺🥺 but I've never been a part of it so let me put it out there that I'm down for ask games 😁

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I won't name names but I think a few of them are definitely tumblr famous and they are famous in my eyes I'm like they know I exist cue the screams 😂

19. Do I have a crush on a mutual?

so after all the questions on mutuals you just throw this one in I see what you're doing sneaky 😏 and now you probably want an answer don't you...ask me again later and maybe I'll tell you

20. Tags?

I have no idea who I should tag so I'm sorry for tagging you can just ignore this if you don't want to do it and please don't hate me for tagging you 🖤🖤🖤🖤✨✨✨

@purplehearts1996 @writemywaytoyourheart @radlovedreamer @btsismybias22 @wearenot7withu @swcetnight

[ghostcaterwaul-old]

I posted 199 times in 2021

11 posts created (6%)

188 posts reblogged (94%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 17.1 posts.

I added 40 tags in 2021

#skins uk - 7 posts

#la by night - 6 posts

#shameless - 4 posts

#outer banks - 4 posts

#bo burnham - 4 posts

#vampire the masquerade - 3 posts

#versailles - 3 posts

#z nation - 3 posts

#bo burnham inside - 3 posts

#world of darkness - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#i had to stop myself from screaming with excitement at the possibility because it’s 8 am and my roommate is asleep

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I forgot I have a list of my OCs on here and I was thinking about updating it with some of my new OCs, then I realized I don't have the AUs listed that I've created for some of my older OCs added to the list and I'm not sure how to add the AUs with the way the list is formatted. I have a sideblog with some of my OCs bios, including their AUs but it's mainly a place to host the OCs I use for RP and to put out RP requests. I'm wondering if I should change the RP sideblog into a general fandom blog, tbh? Or if I should just create a fandom sideblog? Because I’d really like to start writing fanfics including my fandom OCs and I'm not sure if I want my OCs to be like, spread across different blogs like that and I feel like it’d make more sense just to keep them and content related to them all on one blog but I don’t know. Anyways, any advice on this? I really want to get involved with fandoms and writing fanfic again and eventually get back to working on original fic and I want to start by like, talking about some of my OCs on here and stuff. I'm probably overthinking this whole thing and maybe I should just dump all fandom-related stuff here and just reformat the way the post about my OCs is written but I'm having a hard time deciding what to do here. Someone please help! I want to start contributing creatively to the fandoms I'm in but I really need to figure this out first or else I'm just going to hyperfixate on this and never actually write or post anything!

4 notes • Posted 2021-09-12 02:52:08 GMT

#4

So, I’m watching Skins (UK) for the first time. I just watched 4x07 and I'm not okay. If you know, you know.

4 notes • Posted 2021-04-21 08:43:41 GMT

#3

If you write fanfic/imagines for any of the following fandoms/characters/ships, interact with this post! I want to find more fanfic writers to support! I'm open to reading reader inserts and OC fics in addition to the ships listed below. I'm also open to reading any genre! I prefer one-shots but I'm open to multi-chaptered fics as well!

The 100

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Murphy, Emori, Jasper, Luna, Octavia, Finn

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Memori, Murphamy

Z Nation

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: 10k, Addy, Citizen Z, Sarge, or George

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: I’d be interested to read some 10k x Sarge!

Shameless US

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Ian, Lip, Mickey, Mandy, Fiona

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Gallavich, Lip x Mandy

Skins UK

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Sid, Tony, Chris, Cassie, Effy, JJ, Cook, Thomas, Rich.

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Sid x Tony, Sid x Cassie, Cook x Freddie, Rich x Grace.

Versailles

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Phillipe, Chevalier, Liselotte

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Monchevy, Monchevy x Liselotte (I don't know if there's a ship name for the three of them or not)

Black Sails

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Charles Vane, Jack Rackham, Anne Bonny, Max

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Vane x Rackham, Vane x Rackham x Anne, Anne x Max, Rackham x Anne x Max

The Vampire Diaries/The Originals

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Damon, Jeremy, Enzo, Klaus, Marcel, Camille, Freya

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Damon x Enzo, Damon x Klaus, Klaus x Camille, Freya x Keelin

Arrowverse

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: Oliver, Barry, Snart, Rory, Alex, Rip, Sara, Charlie, Zari, Behrad, Constantine

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Oliver x Barry, Sara x Alex, Sara x Ava, Sara x Constantine, possibly others!

Outer Banks

Characters I'm interested in fanfic about: JJ, Kiara, Sarah, Rafe

Ships I’m interested fanfic about: Mayward, Kiara x Sarah.

5 notes • Posted 2021-09-12 04:05:02 GMT

#2

Rewatching Skins and I don’t care what anyone says, Chris’s episode 1 outfit is iconic.

7 notes • Posted 2021-10-24 01:25:51 GMT

#1

LA by Night has really made me want to try TTRPG but the last time I tried it… It wasn’t a great experience and I actually blocked most of it out, but that was a D&D game, like, 10 years ago, and it was only one session because it was such a bad experience that I didn’t want to go back. The guys I was playing with were assholes and it just turned me off of tabletop gaming all together for awhile because I was just overcoming severe social anxiety at the time so like, convincing myself to get past my anxiety to do a thing only for that thing to bite me in the ass really messed me up for awhile.

But I’m hoping maybe I’ll have better luck with VTM? I’ve been wanting to play VTM since I played Bloodlines a few years ago and I’ve been reading up on World of Darkness lore and tried to make a VTM character to try and play a single player chronicle just to learn how to play, but I find it all so confusing and I end up mentally exhausted before even getting through character creation.

Sorry for the long rant, I’m not even sure how much of this is coherent. I guess what I’m trying to say here is… Anyone out there willing to teach me how to play VTM and be patient with me while I learn and not make fun of me and put me down the entire time? Because it seems like so much fun and I really want to play!

20 notes • Posted 2021-12-02 21:34:45 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[aceofwhump]

Hi! This is @whumpthencomfort; well, that’s who I used to be. I saw the ask about me and your lovely post, thank you - it meant so much! I was having kind of a rough time uni-wise and I’d gotten in over my head on Tumblr, feeling frustrated by how my writing seemed to just flop. I wasn’t in a good headspace so I deleted the blog :/ I’m back on tumblr now with a new main and actually much happier now I’m just posting about my interests and not caring about popularity or anything like that :) I have been tempted to start up a whump sideblog again, maybe under a different name, I do miss reblogging gifs and prompts ☺️ Once I do, I will let you know! I thoroughly enjoyed talking to you and screaming over Daniel Sharman whump together :D

How is the Cursed fic going btw? I can’t wait to read it!!

Thank you again so much :)

Ahh hi darling!!!! I’m so glad to hear from you!! I totally understand needing to leave for a while and focus on yourself and I know how frustrating university (and tumblr) can be. I’m glad you’re feeling better now!! That’s the best way to do tumblr imo. Post whatever the hell you want, focus on what makes you happy and screw everyone else. Your blog is YOUR blog. It should make you happy. If you decide to make another whump blog let me know! But it’s cool if you don’t as well. I’m just glad you’re doing okay <3 <3

Oh man, my Cursed fic. It’s going well I think. I’ve kinda stalled out a bit on my last two chapters which is SO FRUSTRATING! I know where I want it to go but getting there has proven to be a challenge. I can’t figure it out and everything I’ve tried just doesn’t work like I want it to. I’ll get there but right now I’ve put it down and am giving myself a break. On the bright side I’ve sent the rest of my chapters to a beta reader and they’re being edited right now! Which is exciting. I’m working hard on it still I promise!! I wanted to have it finished before now but writing is a fickle mistress. 

[louloutche]

FOR THE WRITER’S ASKS!!

1, 2, 6, 7,8, 12, and 16

I would also ask all 35 if I could lmao Feel free to disregard any you don’t feel like answering 😊

-LyricalPorcupine (fuck tumblr and it’s sideblog can’t ask questions bullshit lol)

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

I’d give myself 3 stars I guess! When I reread old fics I find it crazy how much my writing has evolved, but I know I still have a long way to go.

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

I’ve always been attracted to writing and as a kid I tried writing short stories, but never finished one. Later I discovered fanfictions and it changed my life! I no longer had to create characters, which I love and hate at the same time, and if I used the universe of the original show/movie/whatever I didn’t have to build a whole world either. So fanfictions are a very good way for me to satiate my passion with limited efforts. And let’s be honest, I also do it for the validation and the serotonin :P

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

Maybe “intense” dialogues, if it makes sense? Back and forth between characters when they’re angry, mad, defensive, or screaming their feelings at each other. Yes, dramatic scenes I think.

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

Writing smoothly, in the way that when I write, I will reread the same lines or paragraphs over and over again when this is just the first draft. I’m trying to stop doing it and just let the words flow, because proofreading and editing should come later, but it’s really hard for me. I want to nail it at first, which is stupid.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

✨ WLW ✨

No, just kidding (or am I?). It’s fluctuating a lot. I tend to obsess over one thing for a certain period of time, and then I move on, still love said thing but don’t focus on it as much. So whatever piece of media I’m obsessing over at a given time, characters from this will be “easy” to write.

And more generally I like writing traumatized characters (I don’t know what it tells about me haha). Bonus points if said traumatized character is an antagonist that takes side with the protagonist in the end.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

I have this Familiar AU that I started some time ago. There are a few chapters on AO3 but it’s on pause at the moment. There’s no magic but I kept D&D races and everybody has a familiar. Yasha’s is a wolf and Beau’s is a lion. Oh and Molly’s is a peacock of course! And Yasha and Molly are roommates, and you know it’s very self-indulgent because I love Yasha, and I miss Molly, and I just want the circus kids to be happy and live their best life together.

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

There are very, very few people that I know irl who know that I write fanfictions. So this is a very good outlet for my irl guilty pleasures and I can’t say I have guilty pleasure tropes per se. But maybe I read it a little too literally? If the actual question is about my favorite trope(s): lovers on two sides of the same war, star-crossed lovers, found family (among others).

[sarada-best-girl]

Out of everything you’ve written, what lines are you most proud of? Finished or unfinished works 😁

Funny thing: I was actually reading through some of my older, older writings today. Huh. What a coincidence.

Thank you sending in for this absolutely beautiful ask. Seriously, It really made me so happy to write this. I have been agonising and trying to make myself write today but couldn’t, this realllly helped with that.  ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Since you said “Lines” I’m going to choose more than one. ;)  

They aren’t in any particular order, the numbers are to keep track, this isn’t a ranking, definitely not, that’d be so stressful to do, haha. 

Warning: super long and excessive screaming :D 

Fudge. I realised I have been doing this for like 3 hours??? It was like 3 when i started and it’s now. 5 something. Wow. It didn’t feel that long. 

1. This is from a published work, (and we burned, like Icarus), a Grindeldore canon compliant fic where I just explore their relationship. I love and proud of a lot of lines in this one, but there’s one line in particular that stands out.

Line: The curtain fell; Albus stood in victory as the world cheered.

Reason: It’s kind of hard to put into words, but I absolutely love how much layers it has?? Like. There’s so much different ways that this line could be interpreted and I love that. Especially where I put it in the text. It looks like it’s a proud moment for him, he finally defeated the Dark Wizard but...it’s not. Also: “the curtain fell” Gellert surrended, Albus never bested him. I have More Thoughts but I suck at writing meta, so. I will leave this here. 

2. This is a unpublished piece of work, no title, a Sam&Rowena fic. It’s a cute thing that came to me when reading this fic on tumblr where Rowena calls sam, wee!sam which sparked an idea where Rowena sees Sam’s childhood photos and calls him that. 

Line: He blinks, glances up from his book open his lap and she’s—smiling, not mocking, or flirty, or even sly, mischievous but genuine, small and so very soft. It makes Sam’s eyes widen and his heart turn in his chest.

Reason: A SAMROWENA FIC. Mostly that reason. FINALLY GOT SOME WORDS FOR THESE TWO. YAY. Ahhhh. Anyways. Other than that: it’s so cute and soft and i just love it. And also because I was cleaning when I got hit by words and it was unexpected and I absolutely love how it turned out?? 

Also because lol I might be projecting on to Sam about his lil crush on Rowena. 

3. Unpublished. Another samrowena fic! because I’m super proud of these, I have been wanting to write these two for so long and finallly did!! No title, a canon compilant missing scene in 14.07 or .08 based on that line where Sam is like I called Rowena. 

Line: And she wonders what the problem is this time—Castiel? Or perhaps, Dean? Now that would be a delight. 

Reason: It was so fun to write, even cracked a smile and lil laugh. Also I think that i captured Rowena’s personality in here, which makes me super proud. 

4. Published! Bruised, A Jack fic into his thoughts when he escapes the  ma’lak box. (For some reason, I really love writing about this time.) Line: Jack can hear the Devil and knows what being buried alive feels like, knows how small, dark, cold spaces can kill you slowly without you dying at all.

Reason: So proud of this one. Especially the “can kill you slowly without you dying at all” *Incoherrant noises* Fudge. It’s soo good. And such an impactful ending. Just. I freaking love it. Gives me a lil chills everytime I read it. 

5. Published! Do titles count?? Because I’m going to choose one. It’s a Merlin canon compilant (again) fic that kind of looks at Merlin&Morgana’s relationship from Merlin’s view. It was absolutely, totally unexpected. Didn’t know where it came from, but I love it. 

we smiled, not knowing of the storm that would take everything (the storm that was us)

Reason: Okay, so. I was a bit stumped on the title, nothing was coming to mind. Reread it a few times, browsed through my sideblog to find some quotes... couldn’t find the One. So I was like first thing that comes and it was this?? and IT FITS SO PERFECTLY. I was agonising over if I should do the “us” pronoun or change it to a “me”. Still don’t know which is better, I’m leaning towards “Me” now. Anyways, wow. I’m still shocked at it freaking fits this fic so well. Perfectly sums up my fic.  Morgana and Merlin were such good friends and I looove how their relationship took a down fall. I’m weak for the FriendstoEnemies thing and I think that I caught this hear. How no one could have known that Morgana and Merlin would both be responsible for that Tragedy. And by no one, im including myself too.

6. Published! Another title one from another Merlin fic. Haha, seems like my Merlin Fic Titles are Such That Good. It’s that one from the Merlin kills himself, post-canon.

even the stars go cold eventually Reason: Apart from it being absolutely perfect for my fic, haha, it didn’t take much time for me to choose a title for it and because I love writing about stars and this particular one sticks with me. Especially with how it just goes so well with this fic. 

7. Published! A severus-centric fic, Cold feet, where I do a kind of character study on him in that era after the first war. This fic is a super messy but ahh, I love it very much. This one was so hard to choose because i’m proud a LOT of lines in here. I just love writing him. 

Line:  (It's a metaphor. It's a foreshadow. There is no clean break, there's jagged wound where his fist meets his reflection. A mess of blood and glass on the floor, fractions of his reflection as he steps over it. It will never go away.  The scar and the blood stains. It's easy covering it up, cleaning away. No one else knows. All it takes is a swift movement of a wand, a whispered spell. But - you will remember. You won't forget -- can't forget.) Reason: The layers?? I freaking love stuff like that. 

8. Unpublished. Hinny fic. literally the only line I have in this WIP. Thinking it’s in HPB where they started to date? Quidditch practice. Inspired by an art I saw here in Tumblr. 

Line: Harry grins as he catches her eyes from across the field, a burst of warmth  in his chest. Always seeing Ginny made him inexplicably happy. 

Reason: First ever hinny thing that I wrote! Also because I just love writing about Harry being absolutely smitten and in love with Ginny. 

9. Unpublished. A 8.19 deanbenny fic about that part where Dean calls Benny to ask him of a favour. 

Line:    Cut that out now, Benny interrupts You can tell me more when I get to where you are. You don’t sound...so good, brother.

Reason: I can HEAR this in Benny’s voice. Also ahhh, that last part with the eclipses. *Incoherrent noises* Benny’s so concerned about Dean when Dean is the one who’s going to ask Benny to kill himself to go back to Purgatory, a place the he wanted to escape, to get his brother that was hell-bent on killing him. Which seems like a totally Benny thing to do, even if Benny doesn’t know that yet. He’s got some suspicion that *this favour* is not going to be great for him. 

10. Unpublished. That  Heaven Jack & Kelly fic i mentioned when talking about Current WIPs. Aka: me making on that promise of writing fics about them because there’s BARELY any. 

I’m really excited to write this one, i have ideas on what to put in there which are going to be so fun to write. 

This was hard to choose, because I love almost everything I’ve written so far. 

...Damn it. I was supposed to be choosing a line, but apparently I’m writing now. OH. I just fixed a problem I had!! 

Line:  She’s here, not alive, but not dead either like before, cold and laid out on the bed. She’s moving, smiling at him, like—in that video. Except he can reach out and touch her. Feel her warmth, her heartbeat as she envelopes him in a hug. 

Reason: The line I just re-wrote. Okay, i freaking adore it. It really goes for my heart. It’s the first ever time that Jack’s hugged his mom. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HIM. Oh gosh. It’s such a special moment. There’s some parts to here that I want to add and change but I do really love how it is now. Jack’s thought process---FUDGE. Damn it. I had a new thought to add: that moment where he sees the shifter change into his Mom. I forgot about it. 

11. Unpublished. Can’t believe I FORGOT about this one. It’s that SPN Deathfic where Dean carrying Sam’s dead body everwhere with him, that one that I was screaming about on here.

Line:  Woah, woah. He barks out laugh as the body slumps heavy over him and he stumbles. Says, Easy big guy and smiles again, quietly. Fond. Threading a hand in the hair. Sam. Sammy. Holds and breathes for a moment.

Reason: *Incoherrant screaming* I love, love how I wrote this?? Like. Wow. I captured Dean so well?? Just. Mindblown that I wrote this. If...I were to rank these, not that I am, this would deff be in the top half. 

The basis of the fic: Sam’s dead, but Dean doesn’t want to let go; he’s in denial. And this moment. It really captures that. AND ahhhh. DEAN. It’s such a Soft moment but so SAD because Dean, HES DEAD. THATS NOT YOUR BROTHER, STOP MAKING ME WANT TO CRY. Fudge. Sorry, I just have a lot of feelings about this one. Still can’t believe I FORGOT about it. ...Damn, I really want to write and edit this one now. 

12. Unpublished. That klelijah fic I was on about where I Have No Idea What This Is About Except HARD DESCISIONS AND SUFFERING. Lol, it’s the title of the Doc.  Funny thing: This was actually inspired by you. Well, the forhead part I mean. In that fic of yours, the s3 era flashback. "Did his brother not remember? Had he forgotten that bloodstained morning in the forest, the touch of Elijah’s forehead against his? Had he forgotten their hands clasped together, warm and covered in grave dirt? Had he forgotten every day since, with Elijah by his side?" - quoting this here because I love it so much. 

Line:  “Brother,” He says, the word said as if it pains him, and it does, bites heavy into his tongue, draws blood. Nothing he can’t heal. Pulling Niklaus down closer to him, pressing their foreheads together in an echo of a memory, a promise, his hand tight on Niklaus’ neck, he begs. “Don’t make me do this. Please.”

Reason: *Incoherrent noises* tHe LaYErS. Ahhh. I really love this so so much. Okay, so. No idea what this fic is about BUT. Brother: Word pains to say: Niklaus is his brother: draws blood: Nothing he can’t heal: Does forhead thing: “In echo”: Shoot, can’t remember the quotes but the forhead signals like no matter what, they’re brothers: And HOW AFTERWARDS ELIJAH BEGS ‘DONT MAKE ME DO THIS’  THIS WHOLE SEQUENCE. IM. ---- HOLD ON. FUDGE. I JUST CRACKED WHAT HE DOESNT WANT HIM TO DO.  FUDGE. FUDGE. IM SCREAMING. OH MY GOD. *GASP* IT GOESS SO WELL WITH WHAT I WRITTEN BEFORE. FUDGGGE. 

Sorry but FUDGE. I need a moment to sit down and proccess this while SCREAMING BECAUSE HOLY HECK I’M. 

I really want this write this now. WOW. 

Okay, that’s all for my fics. Since you said “works” I thought I’d also talk about my poetry and orginal writing, I never did before and I’m using this time to shamelessly gush about my poetry. :D  If anyone wants to check them out, I do have a side blog on here: drop.of.evanescence BUT also I usually post on https://theprose.com/Yuki where’s there’s so more. 

13. Published! Title: Laying in sorrow It was inspired by a pintrest pic. Line: and here we curl inwards with our backs bare

Reason: I LOVE this one. I freaking love how I worded it. I was thinking about anything when I wrote it but OH that TITLE. It came to me and I just realised that. In sorrow, in pain we curl into ourselves, well. Not everyone, but. Some people do, to hide from the pain and IN DOING SO YOUR BARE IS BARE WHICH IS LIKE YOU’RE VUNREABLE. Sorry, if i’m not making sense btw -- my thoughts are like that, haha. 

14. Published! Title: Where It hurts It was for a challenge on Prose where we had to re-write a piece of this other user, Undermeyou. and her WRITING. Wow, it’s so so so good. Btw, I actually won the challenge, which was awesome. :DD Fudge, re-reading this. I forgot how much I loved it. This one...was hard to choose. It has SO MANY good lines that I’m proud of. 

Line: It was Sunday 15th. The window was open and I remember the cold air on your face. I remember your smile. You red-faced, cheeks hollow as you tried to gobble the stars. 

Reason: ahhhhh, the WAY i wrote it. This whole thing is better as a whole, makes it’s impact and is wayy better when you read the whole thing togather so that’s why it was hard to choose. BUT OH this part. Freaking love it. 

15. Published! Title: Alignment of the stars. Inspired by a prompt: world in your pocket. And also another super hard one. Cool fact: that undermeyou person I was talking about earlier? She made a spoken of this on insta! It was amazing.  Line: Fifteen-years later, you can still feel the laughter of his soul rippling across your chest.

Reason: *incoherrent screaming* THAT ENDING. It gave me chills when I wrote and read it. IT WAS SUCH A GOOD WAY TO END IT. LIKE. WOW. I AM SO PROUD.

16. Published! Title: Untilted. Yes, that’s the title, I know. ANOTHER HARD ONE.

Line:  The sunlight is flooding in and it should be beautiful, how it spreads like honey across my red covers. I choke up. It's so beautiful, it’s terrible. I want to throw up. I reach my left hand out and I am somewhere else far away. In that place: another hand reaches back and tangles with mine and there is warmth and buzzes of bell chimes. Here: only silence and coldness meets my trembling hand. 

Reason: Shbjajxsa. THE DESCRIPTION. HOW I WROTE THIS. *INCOHERENT SCREAMING* it’s SO GOOD. Fudge. 

17. Published! Title: touching the world with bound, trembling hands (baby, you’re unravelling)

Well, it’s not. A line. But A small fic that I did, i’m so proud of it. It’s a small, little short story about a person going up and singing publicly despite their fears and made me smile and laugh. It was a surprise for me and i adore it. And yeah, lol I know, the title is cheesy. 

18. Published! Title: i swear, there’s a lesson here (somewhere) I was pretty stumped with my poetry here and tried a different style! inspired by some tumblr post i saw. it came out really well. ANND ANOTHER HARDD ONE. 

Line:  we’re pressed against the books shadows, dark things in the dark and i’m in love with you but i have never seen your face 

Reason: lol, at this rate I’m going to choosing all of my end lines for all of my poetry. THEY’RE JUST SO GOOD. AHH.  "and i’m in love with you / but i have / never seen your / face" CANT BELIEVE I WROTE THIS. FREAKING LOVE IT. I love the tone and just how it SOUNDS. 

19. Published! Title:  Winter’s smile This one i found lurking in my tags over at evanescentrain inspired by this post but....cant seem to find it right now, damn tumblr. 

Line:  how do you capture forever with your hands?

Reason: Lol, another end line. This is going to be a Thing isn’t it? oH I love this one, such an wow question...it gives me feelings that i can’t explain... just. makes me sit here in silence and think. What a way I ended it. Wow. 

20. I have SO MANY poetry and stuff that I’m proud of and want to babble on about, but.... I’m noticing this is getting really long so. I will this one my last. And since I’ve been talking only about Published ones. I will do a unpublished one!

No title.

Line:  It was a long, very long moment that I felt that he would take his sword to my heart and I would die or he would leave without another word, leave with a piece of me to somewhere where I can not get it back. A piece of myself inside  his hands. It was a terrifying thought.

Reason: ahhh, i really freaking love this. especially that LAST LINE. A bit backstory to what this is about: a person telling some guy about the evil they did, it comes out, randomly, because he says “you’re a good person” to them but they get annoyed, angry, say “you don’t know me” and....it’s like something is cracked open and they spill. First time they told someone their thoughts and what they did, wasn’t actually evil or bad. They just thought that. THIS PART. When I was writing it, it left like an impact on me. 

‘a piece of myself inside his hands. it was a terrifying thought’ DAMN. I FELT THAT. It hit me deeply. 

[girlbookwrm]

i DO recommend these fics, but this ISN’T actually a rec list

a while ago i did a meta about Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier and Hydra and the headcanons I put in The Terror of Knowing, and I mentioned that I wanted to compile a long-ass list of fics that inspired The Hundred Year Playlist and ppl (hi @conlatio and @marveluc) asked about it SO HERE, AT LONG FUCKING LAST, IT IS.

Fanfiction, like every other art form that has ever existed in the history of ever, is all about synthesis: combining pre-existing elements to make something new. It’s the making something new thing that’s exciting. (If you’re not making something new with your found material, that’s called plaigiarism and it’s distinctly uncool.)

When I was in college and grad school, if we used material from other scholars to make a new idea, we made sure to include a bibliography. 

Now this is fic, so like. Everyone knows that we’re using found material. We put the fandom in the tags and everything. But there’s a lot of unseen inspiration, because it’s harder to tag all the fics and metas you read that gave you ideas and inspiration along the way.

I’m... making an attempt.

These are some, SOME of the fics that inspired the headcanons and characterizations and whatnot that then got incorporated into THYP. I’ve been reading MCU fic since 2014 (possibly earlier) and I didn’t even start thinking about THYP until 2017, so there’s probably a lot of stuff that went into my subconscious that I’ve forgotten about. I’m @ing the authors and sources when I know them, but if any of yall want me to like, un-@you (is that a thing??) or if any of you know of authors who have tumblrs that I DIDN’T @ but should have, pls let me knoooowwww

A (Probably Incomplete, but at least Attempted) Fanfic Bibliography for The Hundred Year Playlist

by Seriously I Don’t Have More Important Things To Do? Astonishing.

PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE FICS THEMSELVES. THYP may be rated T for Teen (and even that I debate about tbh, given all the swears and violence) but most of these fics are very emphatically not.  some of them will probably squick you out, some of them might be triggering, so take care of yourselves.

I’ve divided the list into sections by the story they inspired, but all of these stories inspired all the parts of THYP, this is a very very very rough categorization. Think of it as my fanfic n headcanon spice rack. some stories are going to have more or less of one spice or another.

Dreamers With Empty Hands

All the Angels and the Saints by @cesperanza

"You're a brutal person, you know that? You're always rummaging through my guts with your bare hands!" and then Bucky turned away, his long, muscled back curving as he sat on the edge of the bed, hunched and struggling for breath. Steve wanted to draw him, and he also wanted to blot the image from his memory: this picture of Bucky in despair.

Speranza’s Socialist Steve is deeply flawed in a way that people don’t usually write him and i love it so much??? He’s angry, and egotistical, and righteous in a way that’s hard on the people around him and I was like YESGOOD MORE PLS. It’s also a masterful example of how to write a story that’s ostensibly Steve-POV but still manages to make Bucky not only a main player, but a driving force. It’s about Steve, on the surface, sure. But it’s also about Bucky, because Steve is about Bucky and I just *clenches fist* love it.

cascades. 

This fic. THIS FIC. Hngh. Okay so this fic is good on so many levels, but for THYP, the takeaway was me very gently lifting the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family dynamic and then adding more swears to get to my take on the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family Dynamic. Namely: 

“Steve was a bit of a Barnes, too, wasn’t he,” she says.

“He was ours,” says Rebecca, shrugging. “We were his.”

i crie???

More Man Than You

“You’re very pretty,” she said, and Steve tensed up.

“I’m not a fairy.”

“No, you’re not, are you?”

this fic has a study guide. and that’s literally all I feel I need to say about it. It’s an exploration of queer culture and masculinity in the 30s and 40s, thinly veiled as stucky fanfiction. (It’s also pretty brutal so I’ll reiterate that you need to heed the goddamn warnings)

Also, lest yall think I came up with Billy Thompson in a vacuum, I didn’t. In this fic, there’s a violent mob runner called Duke, and Steve comes up with a plan to take him down, and Bucky makes sure that there’s a Different plan that Steve doesn’t know about.  It’s all executed a little differently in this fic, but the idea lodged in my brain and got reused in THYP, and kind of became a central theme.

Good Morning Heartache, What’s New?

The Night War by @praximeter

IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. This is... honestly, just one of the finest pieces of fiction i just 

HNNNNGH

I don’t know that I can point to any specific part of this fic and say “this gave me that idea” it was more the... the feel of it. The way the Normandy invasion is written and the way the trauma is handled and the way Steve is just slightly to the left of being a real soldier and especially this:

He asked me with a smile on his face what goes through my mind when I line up my shot—God and country? Pearl Harbor? Uncle Sam? —and I stared at him struck dumb from the question so long that I think he thought I was just plain stupid. The fact is that it is none of those things—not even close. It is sick, numb fear and careful, barely breathing so that I don’t miss. I must never miss. And then when I shoot, an awful thought curls up from my trigger finger to my heart “how many mothers must be praying I will miss?”

The Thirteen Letters

oh you didn’t really think that Not Easily Conquered wasn’t going to be on this list, didja? OF COURSE IT’S ON THE LIST. But possibly not for the reason you might think. That fic is legen-fucking-dary of course, and the scene where Steve gets stabbed was obviously very inspirational for that bit in GMHWN where Steve gets shot in the thigh, but the scene that really got teeth into my brain and Would Not Let Go was the one where the Howlies meet the Winged Victory of Samothrace and 

Bucky knows the truth now. It is a deep and insurmountable truth. She has no face. Like the operative whose head he beat in, like the boy who he killed one month into active duty, even like Bucky himself, Nike is faceless. Bucky feels unprepared, or like he should have brought an offering.

Beside him Steve quakes before the oldest and the only god.

look my fixation with statues didn’t come from nowhere is what i’m saying ok

Sincerely, Your Pal

This fic haunts me because i hate the ending. not because it’s not good (It IS good) or because it’s not the right ending for the story (it IS the right ending for the story) but just because i  h a t e  i t.��I just like happy endings is all, and resolutions, and this fic is why THYP will have a happy ending.

But also, I really liked the way this fic dealt with Bucky in Basic and lines like this really caught in my brain:

And of course I want to kill some Nazis I guess but not because they’re people. Not because I actually want people to die because I don’t.

And that sentiment definitely fed into how I write Bucky especially.

The Terror of Knowing

there must have been a moment by @redstarwhitestar (magdaliny’s marvel sideblog)

Listen, I’ve been trying to make sure that there’s a good spread of writers on this list but magdaliny is the exception. Magdaliny is the exception for a lot of things and there must have been a moment when we could have said no is always the first fic I think of when I think of a fic about Bucky’s time as the Soldier. Which is ironic, because it’s very much about his time after that, but that first chapter made uhhhhhhhhhhh an impression.

The fractured nature of the narrative, the way that the reader can piece together a coherent timeline but the main character can’t... that was very influential on TTOK. example:

“Kill him,” the officer says.

The subject says: “Why?”

☙

“Kill him,” the officer says.

The subject makes a mess.

☙

“Kill him cleanly,” the officer says. “Good! Good lad.”

I’ll build a house inside of you

Another magdaliny G I F T, an AU where Nat is much younger and Bucky is her dad, and if you think that didn’t affect the way I write Bucky and Nat’s relationship in THYP, then you are dreaming. 

Past the praises of the handlers, above the hot wet smell of cordite and blood, Natalia can hear crashing and shouting down the hall.

“—goddamn animals, they're little girls, they're just kids, you fucking—”

Her father screams in English, in Mandarin, in Russian, and then he just screams.

I know that’s a super sad excerpt but listen and hear me when I say this fic is actually really good and wholesome and it’s got A+++ OCs and All The Widows and it’s just really good ok

Memory

Bucky is hard AF to write and very few people write him half so well as magdaliny but one of those people is emilyenrose and this fic is M A S T E R F U L. Bittersweet and achingly perfect. It contains this beautiful moment that really stuck with me, where Steve is comparing the post WS “James” to the Pre War “Bucky” and realizes... 

He truly hadn't known James all that well. James hadn't let him. Hadn't wanted him to. Hadn't wanted anyone near him, ever—

—the way Bucky went, when he was miserable, when he was angry...

and that, to me, was kind of key when I went on to write the Soldier, because the Soldier IS Bucky, even when he isn’t.

Fool For Sacrifice

Dona Nobis Pacem

THIS GODDAMN FIC came to me outta FUCKING NOWHERE, I’d already written the first draft for FFS, I’d already started posting it, for crying out loud. And then all of a sudden I stumble upon THIS and i just

It’s already fading, just hours after the skirmish.  And the wounds Sam stitched will heal without a mark.  And the welts on Steve’s chest will disappear.  Like all of it never happened. 

Fuck the serum. He keeps thinking it, saying it.  Maybe if there were some goddamn scars, it’d be easier to process the damage.

This fic is heavy af, it’s like the 65k word version of That Chapter in FFS Where Steve Hits Rock Bottom. This was the fic I read when I was ramping myself up to tackle That Moment

three white horses

This is the other fic I read to ramp up for That Scene, and I think that probably shows in the way I wrote it. It is also is a Strong Contender for the title of Heavyweight Fic That Convinced Me Buck Is Jewish. Honestly I cannot praise this fic enough.

I think the thing that stuck hardest about the Steve in three white horses is the way he feels ghostly himself, like he’s only drifting through the present, and somehow most of his living happens in the past. It’s very beautifully done, and very subtly done, and it’s my go to fic if I am in Dire Need of a Good Clean Crie.

It’s getting an extra long excerpt because This Is My List And Neither God Nor Man Can Stop Me.

Steve's fingers touch metal when he reaches into the second-to-last box, and he feels the blood drain out of his face even before he's looked down. He knows the feel of it too well. He'd know it blind, a hundred years from now. It's Bucky's not-a-medal.

It'd been Bucky's grandfather's, or maybe his great-grandfather's, made of the kind of sterling silver that tarnishes if you look at it funny, so Bucky had always been polishing it; he'd traded cigarettes to the mess staff for baking soda and vinegar, during the war, but the thing was still soot-black half the time, like it is now. It'd been a fool's errand, wearing a thing like that in Axis territory, but Bucky'd worn it on his chain like the rest of the guys wore their Christophers and Michaels, and HYDRA'd ignored it. It was a subtle thing, though: nothing like wearing a Magen David, or the implacable H on Bucky's tags, just a thin slice of metal with a stylized branch and an oblique squiggle Steve only knows is the Hebrew word for life because Bucky told him so.

Bucky'd had a curious mix of reverence and irreverence about it, the same mixture that seemed to colour the whole of his religious life. He'd teased Steve sometimes, saying, “No, wait, you gotta kiss it before you enter the building, you schmuck, what are you, some kinda heathen?” with his legs around Steve's waist. Bucky hadn't complained when Steve had carried on with an inch of silver between his teeth, but Steve had offhandedly called it Bucky's good luck charm once, and Bucky'd blown up; it's not a superstition, he said, it's not a fucking amulet. He'd apologized later, and he'd explained, and said it was a touchy subject, just ingrained. Jews weren't supposed to believe in luck. Bucky'd thought maybe it was the opposite: maybe luck didn't believe in Jews.

Sparked Up Like a Book of Matches

AH YES, THE FIC THAT TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIL AUDREY JOKES. SIPPY CUPS OF SUPERBOOZE! A ROBOT CALLED SHITCAN!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU NEED IN A FIC??? I really like the way it addresses Steve being in the future is all

This one could probably also fall into the list of fics that inspired DWEH, in part because of This, which stuck with me Hard and heavily influenced the opening:

“...You ever have scarlet fever?"

Sam shakes his head.

"It starts in your throat, like an itch, and as your fever starts to climb, your tongue swells up and turns white and that's when they know, really, even before the rash, that it's scarlet fever. You can't swallow, it hurts so much. You're freezing and your joints ache and your fever keeps spiking and you start to hallucinate. I, uh, I thought things were crawling on me and there were voices that I didn't recognize whispering things that didn't make any sense. My mom had to fight me just to get me to drink broth, but I threw it up most of the time, anyway. Then I got pneumonia from being so worn down from the scarlet fever and I was so lucky, Sam. Nobody seems to understand how I lucky I was to make it through. Talking to people today, to make them understand I'd have to tell them I survived bird flu only to fall sick with Ebola."

listen. For reasons I can’t fully explain, I really wanted to read that happening so i wrote it, and this is what being a writer is All About.

Actually, on a second thought, I might be able to explain it: it’s because an experience like that is Capital F Formative, and I really wanted to explore how there’s a tiny sick kid rattling around inside Captain Beefcake’s souped up bod.

(And an additional shoutout to Steve Rogers’ American Captain, a webcomic that now exists only in the Wayback Machine, but which was L O V E L Y and I sincerely hope that the artist knows that)

No Hope for the Weary

Strays

This fic? is so fluffy?? Like literally so fluffy. But this fic (and, obviously, Infinite Coffee) were very much behind the inclusion of the God Damn Starbucks, and also the source of a lot of my headcanons about Barnes & Rogers: Secret Millennials. For Example: Bucky’s Notes on How To Be A Millennial:

- Lots of coffee. Travel mugs or paper cups from Starbucks place. Often looks guilty for drinking, obv derive pleasure from doing so. Unknown as to why. Investigate further? Why is there one every two blocks if no one wants it there? 

Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail

This is another fandom classic that needs very little introduction. A+ characterization, A+ OCs, Utterly Charming from start to finish, and the originator of a very distinct way of talking that got very strongly coded in my brain as Winter Soldier Bucky.

He passes within 4 m of Barnes on his way back to his building. The mission imperative achieves a Doppler effect.

contactContactCONTACTContactcontact

Aw.

If They Haven’t Learned Your Name by @silentwalrus1

If I had to point to one (1) fic and say “Blame This Fic for THYP” it would be this one: the Fic that my roommate and The Gal Pal know as “The One With the USS Motherfucker.” This might seem like an odd statement, because if you’ve read them both, I don’t think you’d necessarily put them in the same class. silentwalrus is a genius of hilarity and THYP is a big pile of The Sads. ITHLYN is delightfully unassuming and I’m sometimes embarrassed by how pretentious THYP ended up being. 

I would technically put this under the list of fics that heavily influenced NHFTW on account of the way it portrays Bucky going by gradual degrees from murderbot to mostly human person, but listen I could never write Cryptid!Bucky the way Silentwalrus has. It’s magnificent. And TBH the level of Intensity in ITHLYN’s Steve has is something I aspire to, and the Sam Characterization is On Point, and both those things influenced FFS, 112%. Nat’s Chaotic Slav Energy in this fic is OFF THE GODDAMN CHARTS and I LOVE IT. Every single side character, down to the spaceship is given the kind of care, attention, and characterization that just... it cannot be beat, my dudes.

16/10 highest recommendation. I could not possibly pick a single paragraph from this behemoth but uhhhhh

Two minutes in there’s a grunt and a slippery, gritty noise somewhere to her left, and then the Soldier barrels past at breakneck speed, vanishing down another tunnel. A second later Steve careens around the corner, bounces off the opposite wall and crashes away after him, so fast he’s nearly a blur. Natasha’s brain, entirely of its own accord, provides her with the utterly unhelpful accompaniment of a Yakety Sax soundtrack.

that’s it. that’s the fic.

Also, this fic is Stoutly To Blame for the playlist aspect of the hundred year playlist? Silentwalrus really got me good with Grounds for Divorce by Elbow, one of my all time favorite songs, which was then paired with one of my all time favorite chapters. By the time Caravan Palace’s Lone Digger made an appearance, I was sunk. This fic introduced me to Lyube, and gave me a new appreciation(?) for dubstep. So many of the songs ITHLYN used ended up in my Very Long Stucky Playlist, though I think the only one that then went on to become part of the Hundred Year Playlist: Upside Down and Inside Out by OK GO.

And Finally, the Coup De What The Fuck Ever:

Ain’t No Grave by @spitandvinegar

yet another fandom classic... I wasn’t sure where to put this fic, but I couldn’t NOT include it in the list. Spitandvinegar’s Steve is charming and so? Sweet? and the ANG Bucky is a delightful foulmouthed mess of a person, and the Sam/Claire pairing is something I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED, BUT I VERY MUCH NEEDED IT and I don’t know that I can point to a single thing and be like: Ah Yes, This Bit, but this is definitely one of my faves:

Imagine you live in this country, right? And there's a brutal war, and you witness and maybe participate in a horrific amount of violence, and you lose absolutely everyone you care about. Then you end up in this other country, where the culture and ways of doing things are completely foreign to you, and random assholes make fun of you for how you dress and act and talk while you're still coming to grips with the fact that everyone you love is gone and you can never go home again. Meanwhile, everyone around you is like "smile, motherfucker, you're in the Land of Plenty now, where there's a Starbucks on every corner and 500 channels on TV. You should be grateful! Why aren't you acting more grateful?" So you have to pretend to be grateful while you're dying inside. Sound like an traumatized, orphaned refugee? Also sounds like Steve fucking Rogers, Captain Goddamn America. Except that most refugees were part of a community of other people who were going through the same thing. Steve is all alone, the last damn unicorn, if the last unicorn had horrible screaming nightmares about the time when it helped to liberate Buchenwald.

Usually this explanation yields a "huh." People don't want Sad Refugee Steve: they want Captain America, Indestructible Defender of Freedom. But that doesn't mean that Sam isn't right, because he is right, goddamnit. So yeah, Sam's a little protective of Steve. And if the last unicorn finds out that its best damn unicorn friend in the whole world is actually alive, then damn straight, Sam's heading out with a tranq gun and bringing that damn unicorn in and starting a goddamn unicorn wildlife refuge in his backyard. Or something like that: at a certain point the metaphor kind of gets away from him.

Til The End of the Timeline

I’ve recced this so many times you’ve probably all gotten sick of hearing about it, but it’s an invaluable goddamn resource and you should all check it out. 

A Shit Ton of Metas and Blogs, some of which are tagged with THYP Research but especially @steve-rogers-new-york and @hansbekhart‘s How To Brooklyn and @historicallyaccuratesteve

and last but certainly not least

LITERALLY EVERYTHING @quietnighty READS HOLY SHIT

If you’re looking for a common thread through all the above recs, it’s that almost all of them have podfics, and the vast majority of those podfics are by Quietnight. I am, and always have been, an audio learner. I read my writing aloud when I’m editing, I listen to audiobooks when I’m commuting, and when I’m cleaning, and when I’m playing computer games, because I like stories, and I especially like listening to stories. Quietnight’s podfics are Of The Highest Quality, and her taste in fic is Impeccable.

hooooly shit this post is long wow okay. I can’t promise I won’t add more to this later, but I’m leaving it for now because goddamn. it’s as complete as I can make it at this time. I’ve added a “THYP Fanfic Bibliography” tag in my bookmarks, and incidentally I really need to make sure I’ve gone through and kudosed all of these because goddamn.

[navybrat817]

Waiting a Little Longer

Pairing: Best Friend!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Summary: Bucky promises you an explanation, even if he can't give it to you right away. Word Count: 1.3k Warnings: Light angst, tension, friends reconnecting, unrequited feelings (or so you think), slight feels (it's me), Bucky Barnes (yep, he's a warning) A/N: More Dreamboat and Butterfly from my Reconnect AU! ❤️ Beta read by @whisperlullaby, but any and all mistakes are my own. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

You should've gone back down to greet everyone immediately after you changed out of your bathing suit. Instead, you sat beside the bed to watch the rain again. You weren't sure how long you stayed on the floor, but you knew you were hiding at that point. Why?

Probably because I'll scream at Steve for not waiting two more minutes so Bucky and I could talk. And then I'd have to tell him why I screamed when it's not his fault to begin with.

"Why didn't you ask me to dance, Bucky?" you whispered into the quiet room. You would've accepted in a heartbeat, but he didn't know that.

Did he think I'd turn him down if he asked?

What if it was a fear of rejection? If he had feelings for you and didn't tell you, it would be easy to blame him for keeping quiet. Whether he did or not, it fell on your shoulders, too, for not speaking up sooner. Maybe things would've immediately ended with him and Dot. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference.

Why is it so difficult to say "I love you"? Is vulnerability so much worse than uncertainty?

There was a long knock on the door followed by two quick taps. Bucky. It was his signature knock for you. In your mind, it was a silly thing that made you special.

"Come in."

The door slowly opened. "Hey," Bucky said. You imagined he was trying to spot you. "Are you sitting by the bed?"

Of course, he knows.

"You caught me," you answered, making no move to get up.

"The gang brought food and I think they're eager to see you."

"Okay. I'll be right down," you said before you realized Bucky walked around the bed to join you. His hair was still disheveled from the nap and the light from the lamp created a soft glow in his eyes. You doubted he had any idea how beautiful he was.

I should tell him.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he eased closer and took a seat beside you on the floor.

"Yeah. You know you don't need to worry about me," you assured him, feeling a bit dramatic for staring off into nothing in your room while everyone was downstairs waiting.

"Well, I do," he said.

"There's no need to," you said as he moved closer to you.

He offered for you to cuddle with him earlier, held you when you fell asleep in his arms, and now sat so close his arm and leg touched yours. It was as if personal space meant nothing to him. It was never a problem with you two in the past. Was he trying to get back in your orbit? Recreate the friendship the two of you used to have?

You refused to look deeper into his affection.

"You sure you're alright?" he asked.

"I guess I'm just a little disappointed," you admitted.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Because we were having a good talk," you answered. And there were many things left unsaid.

"Fuck Steve," Bucky said with complete sincerity.

You swung your head toward him, not expecting those words. After a moment, you giggled and nudged his shoulder when he chuckled. "Seriously. Fuck Steve."

Your eyes swept over his profile when he laughed again, tempting you to lean into him. He said you were born to fly. Maybe he was the flame that led you to him. Not as a moth, but a butterfly. You couldn't get too close or you'd burn like you had before. He wasn't the one who set you on fire though.

You did that all on your own.

"I do owe you an explanation," he said after a moment, shifting to face you more. "But I can't give it to you right this second."

You tried not to let disappointment seep in when you saw the regret in his eyes. "Why not?" You asked, your voice barely rising above a whisper.

"I don't want to say what I need to say and then send you downstairs to our friends," he said, reaching over to take your hand. He let out a breath when you didn't pull away. "Because if it goes well and we can really start again, I want to be a little selfish and keep you to myself."

Keep me and don't let me go.

"And if it doesn't go the way you want?"

Or the way I want.

You didn't want to be pessimistic. Not when you were just out of reach of getting the closure you needed. There was, however, the need to be realistic. Maybe his expectations wouldn't align with yours. Or maybe his explanation would leave you hollow instead of full.

Which was exactly why you wanted answers so you could stop with the "what if" scenarios.

He intertwined your fingers and it was hard to ignore how natural it felt. "Then we'll figure out the next step so we have a good week."

"Okay," you agreed. You could handle that, as much as you wished you could discuss it then and there. "But I want you to tell me the truth and not what you think I want to hear," you added. It was a respectable thing to do.

"Am I allowed to ask for the same in return?"

"I think that's fair."

"Thank you," he said, his thumb running along your fingers as you tried to ignore how your heart began to race. "For everything."

"I didn't do anything."

"Yeah, you did. You agreed to come here after I was a bad friend to you."

"Bucky, you-"

He held up a hand to stop you. "Let me just say this before we go downstairs, okay? Don't say I wasn't a bad friend because I was. I wasn't there for you, Butterfly," he said, a crack in his voice as he squeezed your hand. "You said it yourself that I wasn't a constant anymore and I'm the reason for that. It didn't matter that I was dating Dot. I should've reached out more and I'm so sorry."

I matter to him.

"You already apologized and I forgive you, Dreamboat," you said, wanting nothing more than to comfort him. You didn't realize the distance had eaten away at him so much, even after he said earlier that he missed you. "Do you think I'm going to hold a grudge because of some distance?"

You weren't the type of person to leave him hurting. Holding it against him would do more harm than good as it would disempower you. Like ice on a wound, it would only numb the pain for a short time without healing it.

"There never should've been distance between us in the first place," he said, keeping your hand in his as he pushed himself off the floor. "I want us on the same page again."

"Let's make sure we're reading the same book," you said with an encouraging smile as he helped you to your feet. "That would be a start."

"I think that's fair," Bucky smiled sweetly.

"Hey, you two!" Sam yelled up the stairs. "Food's getting cold."

"Be right down!" Bucky yelled, wincing when his voice echoed. "Sorry. I should've covered your ears."

"Yes. How dare you not do that?" you teased before he placed his hands over your ears. "Well, now I can't hear anything."

He laughed and dropped his hands to pull you into a hug. Your brain flickered on and off as you inhaled his scent. Your bed was so close. All you had to do was pull him to it.

No. Even if he wanted that, I'm not rushing it.

"I will give you that explanation," he promised.

"I know you will."

And you wouldn't allow anyone to interrupt that conversation.

Just a little longer... Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi