#i feel like i need to rant more about this but idk where to go next
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I need deep conversation and connection soon or I fear I may pass away
#mine#text post#I already made a long post about missing intentional quality time#so like go read that pls#but I feel like all my convos lately are just more surface level#and also who has time to sit and talk for hours about nothing 😅 (I’m including myself bc life ya know?)#but I have a deep deep need for conversations and quality time where I can just talk about anything that’s not work or#surface level small talk#I need to trade ideas and ask people about themselves#I want to hear what people care about and I want someone to want to hear the same from me#I spend 40 hours a week talking to kids#which is fun but like#I lack that one on one quality time with people my age#and I can feel my soul dying#I’m being dramatic#but like???#idk I just need human connection more often than I’m getting now#and some of that is on me to seek out#but it’s also just hard sometimes to get people to meet you in that too#ugh okay lol rant over#I just spend so much of my time either talking to kids or alone#which means talking to the internet or my dog 😅😂#which isn’t really always super fulfilling nor does it always fill my cup#idk man I’m just connection starved lol
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I always feel bad for being even a little dissatisfied with my circumstances and then I remember that most of the people around me (both irl and online) would probably go absolutely bonkers in my circumstances
#like. i literally have no money. i dont buy things. i dont ask for things#it has always been like this#its not that i dont *want* money- its just that i dont have a choice being disabled and all#and i have all my necessities provided (well most of them) so like. i would feel ungrateful for wanting anything more#and like i dont think i deserve anything 'extra'. anything beyond the necessities because i cant earn it#i cant pay for it myself. so i just dont really think about the things that i want but dont need that much#another thing that would probably drive a lot of people insane is that i dont have any irl friends and dont really leave my house#except for shopping. which is anywhere between once a week and once a month#i have no job- that alone is distressing for a lot of people. unemployment can be very hard on people's mental health#and i mean evidently it is hard on mine as well. but i dont know any alternatives#people like to feel needed. they like to feel like they have a purpose#people going through unemployment often find that they have all this time suddenly but they dont know how to fill it up#all the things they had fantasized about doing are suddenly not that fun because they are the only option#anyways. rant over idk where i was going with this#i think im in desperate need of validation perhaps and im trying my best not to make this about pain olympics#or some weird type of bragging. thats not my intention
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#it's quite a while that i do a really long rant here#but i really need to get all the shit out from my mind and clear everything inside my brain#and yeah it's actually related with yesterday's race actually#i mean we all always saying that never let sports ruin or dictate our own emotions and other phrases that related with this#but in a serious matter it really really exhausted my mind and honestly yesterday is the peak of it#and the fact is before the race start i was feeling so happy that srg wins mpl malaysia for 2nd time#and i say to myself that whatever happens during the race i should be happy that my fav esports team wins another title this year#but yeah....the race happens and it all just chaos...i mean not that usual chaos but i feel it's even worse#especially after the race#like seriously i should have stay away from any social medias for a while today#because i know how awful the vibes and environment there (and here as well tbh)#but yeah 🥲🥲🥲#like i really expecting that f1 is the only sports out of other sports that i'm getting into with#that i really feel mentally drained and doesn't makes me feel any joy by enjoying it at some point#but yesterday...that's the peak of it#i'm just getting more and more tired of the whole thing happens in f1#and the real life 'job' (more like uni life) doesn't even help me brighten up my mood either#where during app development my group is having a really though situation to going back from the start#in which we had some conflicting on some of the solutions are as same as other one group#and forreal all my groupmates were just fed up thinking about how to came up with new ideas#so yeah it's just this past few hours are just mentally emotionally physically drained out#like i really need to take a break for a while but idk i'm sure#i'll starting to get more and more tasks and assignment for the next few days *sigh*#nahhhhhh i know it's really long rant but i just want to be in a good headspace rn
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i lied, put your clothes back on. i want to talk about how social media has completely ruined the music scene to the point that bands are not recognized for their actual musical talent anymore but are instead made popular by how well they can work the algorithm to make the most viral video possible. no i dont want to guess who your drummer is, go make actual fucking music. and on that note, while people making singles for the sole purpose of getting incredibly popular and neglecting the rest of the album has been a thing for a while, it feels as though people are now not even bothering to make the entire single good; they only give a fuck about that little ten second clip that’ll get all popular on tiktok or whatever the fuck
#chorus centric music is the bane of my existence#it can be good#but a lot of the time its just boring and you can tell its made just to be catchy#chat can we maybe put some nuance into our music#idk#makes me think of that one iron maiden interview where steve (?) talks about how they dont write singles#they just choose them after the album is completed#i feel like thats the best way to go about things#i hope this doesnt come off as old man shouting at a cloud type thing#i think we just need to be putting more substance in our music#music#rant#blah blah blah#musician#text post
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heyheyhey. do you guys wanna know a secret :}
#a reason i like yoimiya so much; especially compared to other fem characters; is because she has more obvious proof of a journey through-#-femininity. this is also a reason i like shikimori so much!#becaus etheres an entire episode where we learn about shikimori's journey through femininity#she is such a major reason i realized that i need to go on one myself#and yoimiya idk. like. i don't really care much for genshin lore BAHAHAHAH#and i haven't looked at her voice lines in a bit but#idk. she just. theres a lot more to her than there is in canon idc she's more than what she was made to be and i love her for that!!!!#but yea elaborating on honestly not usually liking fem characters as much as masc ones. even though i dont even like guys im a lesbian JDSF#but it's because they're all made just to be people. and i lvoe all hte characters i love#but i feel like so many fem characters could be so much more than they were given the chance to be if there was a hint of a journey in her#so many just feel too hollow; especially compared to the masc characters they interact with#shikimori by herself was just a fun character. a strong girl who enjoyed being soft#but getting the background of she did karate because her brother did; she left because her brother did; she followed every trend because-#-everyone else did; she kept her hair short because her brother did; she never did anythign her brother didn't explicitly do or tell her to#and then one day he told her to be more. and so she decided to be more.#idk i just think more fem and honestly masc characters should have hints of a journey through any sort of identity!!#whether it be gender or sexuality or general personality or presentation via fashion or anything!!!!!#show me them at a young malleable age and show me them growing out of that and becoming a beautiful person but beautiful in a way only THEY#-could be. and while we didn't get that for yoimiya#i can stillfeel it. maybe im just making stuff up but. like i said earlier; she feels like so much more than the canon made her to be#adn i really love that :)#i should sleep soon but i just got my spotify workin again and catabolic seed is playingg#i lov eyou all <3#thank you for reading my rant haha#:shroom is typing...#:shroomiya:#kisses kisses!! <3
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just went through all my ao3 fics and edited all the tags because i feel like i overtag a lot and it always bothered me. tbf the most overtagging happens in my relationship/character tags but i find it super difficult to judge who/which relationship is important. like friendships are So Important in my fics i dont feel like i cant tag less there? especially my longer fics. amtc james&sirius and black brothers are in my mind at least if not more important than literally amtc jegulus. i know its a jegulus fic but also jegulus is just the catalyst for other relationship dynamics. how do you tag that stuff
#honestly same with operation wanker#i finally put the wolfstar tag at the end of the relationship list#because genuinely when i first wrote the fic i debated leaving that out completely because i just do not focus on them At All#but considering theyre the very reason for the whole fic i couldnt not tag them#but james and sirius in operation wanker are as important to me as jegulus#and they go through a similar plot line of developing and changing so ?? yk???#idk how to tag i am really bad at it honestly#as you can tell i have exam season#hence me doing anything but the things i should be doing#hp#fic rant#i need a tag for general ramblings#i did take out a lot of character tags in a lot of my fics#like in some of them i literally now have a relationship tag but not the character tag which im also still not sure at#like on lies and spies still has the peter&marlene tag but it doesnt have a marlene tag anymore#and im still debating if i should also take the relationship tag out but also its important for peters actions??? idkkk man i am bad at thi#took out a lot of tags from amtc because i just felt it was too long overall#like i do think they were not completely unimportant but it was such a wall of text i felt a bit overwhelmed#tagging fics where its literally just 2 characters and theyre romantically/sexually involved is so much easier#like on high delight the tags make perfect sense because its very obvious what the focus is on#but i so seldomly write fics that are confined to just a ship (/) dynamic#maybe this is my arospec that ive been eyeing for the past 10 years and keep ignoring showing#i just care about writing relationships (&) so much more honestly#ok thats actually a lie im not tooo good with just platonic fics but i like writing romantic stuff in the context of friendgroups#i like characters having to keep secrets from the people they usually tell evrything to#love exploring characters finding out they have friendship boundaries they previously didnt know about#love writing about trust and and conflicting feelings and having to make choices#also lmao very iconic of me to have 5km of tags on a post of me saying i am prone to overtagging. really proving my own point here
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I’m saying this here specifically so I nobody finds it because I don’t want to invite anything, because, I cannot stress this enough, I mean this light-heartedly.
But where is the Alexmis content of Alex getting hurt? Alex needing to get patched up? Give Arty a break, lol
(no this is not about that piece of art. this is a reoccuring thought)
#don’t get me wrong any Al/xmis is good Al/xmis it does need more content but like… there is a reoccurring theme here. really just in general#of Artemis getting shot?? which is fine! everybody loves angst! but Alex has canonically gotten shot like… three times. where is the love#for him. where is the angst. i feel like a lot of Al/xmis content in general is like… very Artemis-focused which is probably because most#people are more familiar with Arty but that’s also kind of a shame because AR is a fantastic series and if angst is ur thing… there you go#idk I feel like I’m ranting about something silly lol- I don’t really make Al/xmis anymore. i want to get back into it but like…#there’s some bad memories attached. but it’s such a cute ship lol.#more Arty in love pls.#with someone other than Holly PLEASE.
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i'm probably the only one on here who's extremely excited about summer night lmao
#it's in my top 3 series that i'm looking forward to the most from the 2024 pt1 line up#next to the trainee and pluto#aaaaanyway i'm absolutely DYING to see dunk without joong#and i'm also excited to see him act opposite a girl#i'm even more excited about it now that i sat my mom down in front of hidden agenda#and we were also rewatching simm this week (we actually watched it live as it aired)#dunk works so well with joong like. they complement each other so perfectly#and i'm SO curious to see if dunk will manage with different acting partners#there's actually many things that he does where i'm like. yeah. i think he'll do well even without joong#and i just need to know if i'm right about it#for months i've been saying dunk is a better actor than fandom gives him credit for#it feels like summer night will be the series that'll prove it to me#or maybe i'll be proven wrong idk#that's what i'm dying to find out. will i be right about dunk's acting skills?? or will i be wrong??#if i end up being right tho then i might just go off tho#(we'll see. maybe i'll just rant to my mother in private)#hidden agenda and various stage performances already got me into the dunk protection squad#but if summer night proves me right then i WILL turn into mama bear if i see people shit on his acting#and that's that on that#airenyah plappert#summer night#adrm#this rant was brought to you by: dunk posting about the summer night fitting#bye
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I'm the LAST person to suggest that you have to preface every single comment you make about a character/fictional relationship/etc. you like with a reminder that you Know™ it's pRoBLeMaTiC, but I DO question what the point of acting genuinely for real like there were no problems is.
#I don't even mean in a 'what would it look like if this relationship were healthy' or 'what if this character were a good person'#because I think that's interesting to explore and I have several things I'm working on with elements of that#but I genuinely will hear people go 'there ARE no flaws in this thing' with their whole chest in a completely serious manner#when they could just. talk about how they like the thing without that qualification? and I feel like...#...idk. just because *I* am someone who enjoys horrible characters and deranged unhealthy fictional relationships#I feel like it's a disservice to act like there were never any faults or problems or [insert applicable noun here] at all? it gets rid of#the narrative complexity that's present#I was talking to long-distance best friend last night and I went on a rant about how I wouldn't like jaime as much if he actually WAS as#Super For Real Actually A Completely Good Person Who Was Never Flawed In Any Way as some people act like he is.#it's BECAUSE he does shitty things and isn't A Super Good Person™ that makes him particularly interesting#if you want to imagine a version of this story where he doesn't act horribly and is a 100% Stand Up Guy then go for it you don't need to#justify that by saying that that is completely for real without exception who he actually is in canon?#(this wasn't even the example that brought this on. he's one of many MANY examples.)#and you know I could write a story (I won't) where like. idk altena for example. handles her issues and doesn't become The Antagonist™#where she gets therapy and ends up with a fulfilling life where she participates in society as a more well-adjusted person.#but again it would be an INCREDIBLE disservice to the way this character (a complicated fascinating character) is written to act like#she was Always Like That or that this turn of events was intended by the story or that She Genuinely Never Did Anything Wrong Actually#it's less 'oh people are having sympathy for [xyz] in a story context that I think isn't merited' & it's more 'acting like this is the way#the story was all along and the way it was meant to be interpreted all along is a misreading of the text and I don't think that's fair'#mel's media criticism
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pulled aside by my father to watch a homophobic k&p sketch and just had to sit there like 😬 and then when i explained it was homophobic he was like "i fear for your sense of humor". christ alive
#look idk anything about k&p maybe they've gotten better. not the point#it's the one where there's a pop duo singing a love song to a crowd of women and one of them keeps coming onto the other guy despite him#being obviously uncomfortable for like. two minutes. and then when the queer guy gets too into it and starts singing about the other#artist's bald head he backpedals and starts singing about being cartoonishly straight#thats the whole thing#the joke is 1. gay guy can't catch a hint and makes straight guy uncomfortable by hitting on him or expressing interest in him#(classic homophobic joke. probably don't need to explain that)#2. when everyone realizes what's going on gay guy stumbles back into the closet in an over the top way#and when i pointed out point 1 to my dad he was like 'i fear for your sense of humor'#im gonna shit bricks#[father's first name] [father's last name] be fucking normal for one second challenge (possible but he's a proud asshole so he won't do it)#i spent so long haha yeahing my problems with what they did away that now whenever i challenge them even slightly and see that they#will not reflect and will not change it's wild. i explained why this was homophobic (less clearly than here but still) and he was like. :/#youre no fun. like ok i actually tried and it Is That Bad. sheeshhhh#the answer is probably to keep trying until they get it bc they think they like queer people but that's. a lot.#(they in this case = my parents. just switched into a broader rant without warning my b)#he rewound it when my mom came out and when it seemed like i was gonna leave too so like... idk what that was about but it feels very#'now that our gay kid's out of the room. cishet wife with a similar sense of humor to me do you think this is homophobic?' to me#and hey maybe that'll be productive and reflective but uh. historically speaking? probably not.#i feel like im not doing enough to make them less shitty or at leaat to stick up for me n my brothers so i gotta keep going and doing more#and theyre not the worst people ever really. so i should do my part so to speak. but man it fucking blows is all#they're so annoyingggg#also why does he talk like that who does that. i mean. i do. but it's bad when he does it#and they ARE capable of change. i had to argue for trans people existing years ago and now they act like that never happened#(granted i was arguing from a cis transmedicalist perspective back then but like. still. (i have grown since age 13 if you can believe it))#so theyre pro trans in a superficial kinda way. which is something. i just wish they'd acknowledge that they were wrong literally ever#it's happened once that i can think of. twas my dad#theyre like emotional and ideological brick walls it's insane#ugh. god gives his most frustrating softcore bigoted parents to his swaggiest gay transsexuals i guess#man what a post to be making soon after the daig o one. what a coincidence that that post materialized with no influence from my life haha
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I doubt they would survive a day in their own communities. Like, have y’all ever interacted with LGBTQ+ people IRL?? It’s really cool. Genuinely was a wonderful experience for me. Met someone who went by it/its pronouns because it saw that as the only way to distance itself from the demand to fit into boxes implanted on it by humanity. Met someone who goes by any pronouns and faer does that for the exact same reason as the person above. He and it were besties, hearing their discussions on gender was really fucking cool. Made me question my gender, I found out I’m cis but it was still a good experience. More relevant to this post, you’ve also got a pack of wild lesbians who congregated once while I was volunteering: me the young’un (cis, she/her, femme lesbian, has sensory issues with penetration of any kind but isn’t ace), an elder lesbian (bacla, she/he/siya (no preference but one of those) likes penetrative and non-penetrative sex), and a lesbian roughly between our ages (trans, she/her, about 4 months into socially transitioning, asexual). We’re just...talking about being lesbians and our differing experiences. It’s great, we taught each other a lot in the day we knew each other! Siya helped teach me about ways to explore myself and my preferences without triggering any averse reactions, I helped the trans lesbian vibe with wanting to be more gender conforming and traditionally ‘feminine’ (teaching trans femmes the joys of spinning around in frilly dresses is so nice), and she helped our elder get caught up with modern gay news. We left our stations and I’ve never seen either of them again, but this shit is so fun and so much better than arguing with randos about whether or not they ‘count’ as a lesbian. Imagine if I did what tiktok does and spent that whole time saying that our elder couldn’t be a lesbian because siya doesn’t strictly identify as a femme-aligned person or that the trans lesbian was teaching him about the ‘wrong’ gay news because most of it involved ‘bad rep’. Say what you want about cheesy cishet friendly romcom fodder, but seeing my elder beam at the idea that non-LGBTQ+ people cared about our stories on a large scale made that mediocre movie worth existing. IDK, people need to get involved in their communities (online or offline) and meet gay people outside of their immediate bubble.
TLDR; I’m 90% sure people involved in gay discourse have never actually spent time around gay people outside of their immediate bubble and that makes me sad. Talk to people y’all, it’s great. 10/10, would recommend.
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people on tiktok would never survive a day on tumblr
#I do LGBTQ+ specific volunteer work in my area so it's kinda part of my job that I know so many people#it's also part of my job that I just kinda...roll with the punches in terms of people's identities#because IDK these people and they know their identities more than me#like 'oh you're a trans dude and you're bi and you use they/he/she pronouns and you let your kids call you mom?' coolio#here have a hat we just got it in I hope you stay warm friend#like?? this is so much better than just being rude to strangers on the internet??#I get to help my community AND learn more about sexuality + gender#this is an absolute win#I am very annoyed with this person on tiktok but more than anything I'm sad for them#imagine sticking yourself into a world where people have to fit into such specific boxes in order to be considered 'normal'#or whatever this person is implying because oh my gosh that's so sad#go meet people! go expand your ideas on gender and sexuality and other aspects of identity!#I want to shake them like GO INTO THE WORLD THE WORLD IS SUCH A COOL PLACE#you don't even need to go offline just go into different communities online and get out of your immediate bubble#'he/they lesbian' ok! I'm a she/her lesbian! Are we just sharing our pronouns with our sexualities now?#and if he identifies as such then sure he can have f*ggot tattooed on him! I hope it healed well!#I hope that they feel a sense of power from that and that it makes them happy#I hope that everyone who uses slurs in a reclamatory manner gains their power back!#Just because I prefer not to doesn't make those who do any less valid!#Hence why I haven't been using the word 'queer' that often I just don't like using it#but like...why would do people think I would be pissed at people who do use it frequently? People in discourse are WEIRD#IDK I just want this person to meet more people and I hope they get the chance to do so#because a lot of baby gays start off like this until they start meeting people#this turned into a rant lol#IDK I think I just feel passionately about the wonders of human connection
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How to stop feeling like an awful person after accidentally crossing someone’s boundary even though you talked to them about it and apologized and know you won’t do it again and they understood it was an accident and it’s fine and you two are still on good terms
#god I just#Ughhghhg#I can’t stop THINKING about it it wasn’t even that bad they said i was doing a bit and it was getting annoying#and I said i was sorry like multiple times and I said I won’t do that but again and they were like ‘no you can! it just got a little annoyi#ng it’s fine!’ and I still feel like a terrible person#I think I’m tired that’s gotta be it#or I’m mentally going through what I went through with my old friends and how I got mad at them and lashed out when I shouldn’t have and#refused to apologize and got into a big argument and then had one conversation about it and got mad again and then lashed out AGAIN and then#texted that I didn’t want to be friends any more and then I cried for weeks and every time I’d see one of them I’d want to throw up and I wa#s constantly miserable I didn’t want to go to school and I did everything that I could ok the comic because it was a fun distraction but it#also made me sad because I wanted to finish it and show it to them but they weren’t ever actually interested in it and I never got to show#them and I even made two characters in it based on two of my best friends in that group at the time and now I don’t know if I should delete#them entirely or keep it or change the characters???????? I don’t know#fuck#oh yeah one of those best friends basically took the plot of HBD and changed it a little and is gonna make a fucking short film with it#it’s a stupid fucking plot too it’s one of those like coming of age stories where the main character wears a ghost sheet and it’s actually a#metaphore for being socially anxious because he has a bad home life but then! then he’s walking to class and someone steps on the sheet and#it comes off! and they become best friends and they work through their problems!#Jesus fucking Christ I can’t believe her#I told her it was similar and that she should change it but we were gonna discuss that the week I texted I wasn’t coming back so#If she makes it I’m gonna sue her I don’t fucking care I told her I fucking told her and later that fucking day she ‘came up with it on her#own’ fucking Christ man get a life#I need to stop typing and go to sleep idk why I did that#sorry for the rant!
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I ran out of tag space but oomf had some good notes
smthn easy for today (sorry)
#Kronos is the worst dad no. 1#I remember that fic where he made it obviously that Acronix was unwanted until he found out he's the master of time too 💔#<- prev tags#prepare for a whole rant that doesnt make sense from me#its not really a hc BUT in my brain the time twins are the first and only time in ninjago history that a power has been used by two people#so when krux was born first... kronos just assumed he was the only one to get time. this is coupled with the fact hes a faster learner than#acronix. so he was the first one to actually present the power of time. i think nix finally did YEARSSS later but until then he was seen as#a bit of a failure... my son who is very smart and has this strong power ... and then my other child who never listens to me and is weak#(acronix having adhd and being treated like a bad child because he presented undesirable traits... yeah)#and because of this there was quite a bit of animosity between the twins. even though they loved each other. nix was very very jealous of#krux for soooo many things. krux was treated better and it wasnt like it was *his* fault .. they were KIDS !!! but when youre a child angry#at the world... its harder to express that anger to the adult causing you harm vs someone on more equal ground to you. if that makes sense#'i will not yell and scream at my warrior father but i will refuse to play games with my brother' . obvs this didnt last forever but yknow#neither of the brothers were really able to be who they wanted to be. they couldnt really express themselves properly. but krux was always#able to mask better than acronix. so a bigggg part of that jealousy is also misunderstanding. like krux isnt happy either but when youre a#child its hard to clock how others feel. idk. and then after nix was discoveres to be a master of time .. straight to the grooming to be#child soldiers !!! the culture 60 years ago in ninjago was veryyy different. during the serpentine war i imagine most of the elemental#masters to be 20 ish ? some in their 30s but they had been elemental masters for basically MOST of their lives#esp wu and garm... they grew up and had to fight and never really had that time to be kids. which is how i like to imagine the time twins#theres a lot of parallels between those 4 and i want to gif their fight bc i realized that nix kept looking to krux like 'what do we do'#time twins are very codependent on each other. wu and garm rapidly aged when they were separated. etc#dont think nix couldve lasted those 40 years without his brother. krux takes big brother leading the way to the next level#3 minutes apart !!! but you wouldnt be able to tell that bc they act years apart. well prior to them actually being years apart#the way krux was piloting the iron doom and nix was the co pilot. the plan to go back to the past. nix just going along with stuff#hes more prone to stick to a plan krux makes than krux is to stick to a plan nix makes ... which is kinda canon#like how krux sent the snaks to destroy the borg store (veering off the plan) vs nix who kindaaa needs his brothers leadership or he'll die#in my version of s7 krux gets sent to the time vortex and then acronix is the one waiting years and years. ALSO FUCKKK smthn i realized :#wu isnt really one to hold a grudge like that and so i find it interesting that he WAITED for acronix at the monastery#like for morro and aspheera . they came to wu. vs wu who came to acronix to finish what the twins started all those years ago#thinking about how the time twins were heroes at one point. thinking about how the ninja didnt recognize them in the painting. thinking abt
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Hi Jade ! I loove your sunshine!readers, could I request one for Carmy ? Maybe someone calls her to get to the restaurant when hes feeling anxious to calm him down idk if thats good lol love ya !
ty for requesting <3 fem, 1.4k
Is it The Beef or The Bear? In your head, despite the wishes of everyone who works there (except for Ebra, who seems to have mixed opinions), you always call it The Beef. But the sign brags otherwise, and when you push open the doors, nothing inside is left to remind you of the old restaurant. It was a total gut.
“Hi, gorgeous,” says a familiar, warm voice.
You almost walk straight into her table, distracted looking for brown curls through the kitchen door’s little window. “Hey, Tina.” You grin at your second favourite chef. Your most favourite Sous. “You taking a break?”
She offers you a round butter cookie from a sleeve of them. Her cup of coffee billows with steam. “Uh-huh.”
“Hiding from a meltdown?” you ask, taking a cookie, fingers oily with butter, sugar grains falling to the floor.
“It’s not like that,” she says.
Well, what is it like? you think.
Richie’s text wasn’t exactly descriptive. Need ur help with the little Bitch, he’d said. Then, when you didn’t answer, ASAP!!!!
You figured it must’ve been another rant. He’s prone to these… episodes of anger where he doesn’t realise he’s spinning out and hurting people who really care about him. You try to bring him out of it, but he’s a Berzatto. They’re all the same, sort of. Everything that’s wrong with them has been stamped into them a long, long time ago.
He’s been better since Nat steel armed him into AA, but still. You tilt your head to one side, sugar cookie between your fingers, listening for the goings on in the kitchen. “Sydney’s here?” you ask. “I thought she was sick.”
“Sydney gets sick, but she doesn’t take sick days,” Tina says with a loving shrug.
You smile at her in brief goodbye for now and make your way to the kitchen, where you push in quietly. All their ‘Behind!’ and ‘Corner!’ and ‘Hands!’ makes you laugh, and you can’t take it seriously so you don’t, but you’re not trying to be dangerous in there either.
“Hello?” you ask.
Sydney and Richie look up from a cramped notebook at the table nearest to the door. There are employees you're unsure of prepping vegetables along the wall, but Carmy isn’t anywhere to be seen.
“Fucking finally,” Richie says, before rubbing his face regretfully. “I’m sorry, it’s just– I texted you an hour ago, babe, you’re letting me down.”
You laugh. “Sorry, babe,” you tease. “I have a job, just like you.” Your hands are cold where you tuck them under each armpit, crossing your arms. “Hi, Sydney. You feeling okay?”
“No. He’s stressing me out.”
“Which one?”
“Both of them.” She looks like she might rub her face too. “I need him to be in here right now, he should be doing this, but he keeps walking away and– and not saying where he’s going.”
“He is stressful,” you agree, though usually Carmy’s stress tends to bounce right off of you, “I’m gonna find him and strap him down for you.”
Sydney just frowns.
“I’ll see what’s up,” you say more seriously. “In the office?”
“Out the back,” Richie says. “Smoking like his mother. He’s a fucking steam train lately.”
It’s like they want to worry you. You give them grateful nods, sorry nods, and start to make your way out of the main kitchen, past the dishwashers and the dessert station to one of the back doors. Carmy isn’t your responsibility. You don’t have to apologise for him, you don’t have to mother him, he should commit to his responsibilities all on his own, but… it’s hard. You like apologising for him because his behaviour isn’t always on purpose, and he struggles with commitment for similar reasons. There’s this aching, stagnated grief in him that’s reawakening, there’s the stress of the restaurant, his business, the scars of the last ten years, and before that. You know it isn’t your job to come here and make him feel better, but isn’t it? When you love someone, it’s half the deal.
Carmy shouldn’t yell at his friends, or employees. He shouldn’t chain smoke, and he shouldn’t be sitting on the low wall by the dumpsters shaking so hard with his head so low that you can see the first notch of his spine in his shirt.
“Carmy?” you ask.
His head ducks further down. You can hear him breathing, not too hard as to alarm you, and yet unrelaxed.
You smile without thinking. You hate seeing him like this, but looking after him is a pleasure. “Hey, Carmen. Can I sit with you?”
He forces his face up. “What are you doing here?” he asks.
Trying to make sure he doesn’t tear another chunk out of Richie. “It’s my lunch break.”
You perch on the wall beside him and snap your nearly forgotten cookie into two pieces, one side bigger than the other, which you offer him.
Carmy takes it. Looks at it without expression, though that slowly turns to a dry ire you’ve felt directed your way a hundred times. “What the fuck is this?”
“Cookie.”
“I don’t want this.”
“Could you just eat it?” You put your own half in your mouth in its entirety, all aligned to your teeth. It shatters into sweet, soft crumbs between your teeth. You talk with a hand over your mouth, “It’s not gonna kill you.”
Carmy looks at it for a long time before he eats it.
You watch him. He’s more tan than you’d think, that Italian gene kicking in, skin clinging to whatever sunshine it finds. He spends enough time inside that you’re surprised it can muster the energy. He looks better with it though, his curls look gold toned under the sun, and his clenched jaw doesn’t seem so harsh.
“What’s wrong?” you ask eventually. Almost conversationally.
“Nothing.” His hand shakes on his thigh. He turns his palm down to clasp his knee.
“You sure?”
“No.”
“That one’s my favourite.”
“What?”
You poke toward a tattoo on his hand. It’s a simple flower, same style as most of his tattoos. “I like it ‘cos it’s just a flower.”
“My least pretentious,” he guesses.
“Something like that.”
He tips his head back.
“Richie texted me. He thinks I’m gonna… like, I’m gonna calm you down, I guess.”
“You always do,” he says.
You give him a long, smiley look. “So you’re in love with me?” you ask warmly, pushing up into a knee to wrap your arm behind him, hugging him before he can move away. “You’re totally fucked for me, Berzatto, that’s fucking crazy.”
“Fuck off,” he laughs.
You rub his arm, his skin hot in your hold. He touches your waist very, very lightly. “What am I supposed to do, anyway? I can’t cook. You and Syd are on your own.”
“You already… already did enough.” He grabs your waist where you wobble on the brick wall, grit biting your knees, his hand comparatively soft.
“Such a crush on me,” you tease in a whisper, his hair crushed under your cheek.
You’re tempted to kiss his temple, but affection with Carmy is like oil and water sometimes. You give him a last protective squeeze and sit yourself down again.
“Carm,” you say, “you know you can call me, right? Like, if you don’t feel okay.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
“Or text me. If that’s easier. It’s hard to say hard things out loud.”
He laughs again. “Sorry.”
“I know, I don’t– I don’t seem like I know what you’re talking about, I get it, but I do understand. N’ even if I didn’t, I don’t mind listening. Or laughing at you.”
“What’s that about?”
“The laughing?” you ask. “You tell me.”
His hand slides behind your back in half a hug. “Guess it’s funny.”
“Can I change my mind about the tattoo?”
“The flowers not your favourite?”
“No. You know which one I like best?”
His thumb rubs into your back. “The snail.”
“Absolutely the snail. You’re so fucking silly sometimes, I’m supposed to take you seriously when you’re yelling and red in the face with a snail on your arm?”
You can’t see his face with your cheek to his shoulder, won’t know that he’s smiling at you with a rare aura of peace. Can’t see the wanting, either.
#carmy berzatto x reader#carmy berzatto x you#carmy berzatto x y/n#carmy berzatto#carmy berzatto fic#carmy berzatto blurb#carmy berzatto drabble#carmy berzatto imagine#carmy berzatto fanfic#carmy berzatto fanfiction#carmy x reader#carmy#carmy x you#carmy blurb#carmy drabble#carmen berzatto x reader#carmen berzatto x you#carmen berzatto x y/n#carmen berzatto#carmen berzatto fic#carmen berzatto blurb#carmen berzatto drabble#carmen berzatto imagine#carmen berzatto fanfic#carmen berzatto fanfiction#the bear#the bear fanfiction#the bear fic
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I don't necessarily want to Look like a man but sometimes I want to Feel more like a man and what if that means changing? I don't even know what I want so how am I supposed to get it. Where's my character creator where is being able to try things out I need a dressing room for my body and my voice.
#i know i know you can go on t and then go off it#that's still a lot of effort and stress to even be allowed to try t#i honestly just don't think about it much bc I mostly don't want to transition for now and it doesn't feel worth stressing#but sometimes it's just frustrating to not know what i want or where I'm headed#I know I'm young but I've been trying to figure myself out my whole life#that can get exhausting#idk#just have to rant sometimes#my brother wants to go on t so it's got me thinking about all kinds of stuff#like if I do too and what the three of us are gonna do if we need hrt in the near future#cause people are trying very hard to make it even more difficult#and i do not enjoy worrying about it for three people#i love being trans and having trans siblings but it can be hard on all of us#griffin's life#:(
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abby anderson request !! :)
i wanted something where abby is starting to doubt her sexuality and trusts reader to ask questions and just talk about it (reader is a lesbian and they're close friends, it can end up with them kissing — or more, if you're comfortable)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/75c59755e0587ca019d65863108882db/ae9293f40ba64c05-bb/s540x810/4b065a117585eb310890568588b5ea39a5ab3f24.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/e8ec435553a824a8578e9f3394b1df2f/ae9293f40ba64c05-e2/s540x810/eedacb0b8a6f786f22fd118cddecf2db1ed303e1.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/89d424f6631204394b8bfc3146980db6/ae9293f40ba64c05-95/s540x810/3be09e3db92b80abf454947ce1b71e8da16578f0.jpg)
cw: sfw, kissing (a lot of it), descriptions of masturbation (abby), talk of sexuality and questioning sexuality, no physical description of reader
Daily click - Palestine masterpost - TLOU and israel
a/n: thank you for the req !! I don’t write full on smut unfortunately (though I might write some short stuff in the future), but I tried to write a few kinda sexual scenes here and there
wc: idk prob like 1k
divider creds
Abby loved Owen, truly. She was attracted to him: that is what she kept convincing herself of everyday.
Every moment with Owen was a new lie she fed herself.
He was the man she loved. There was nothing she doubted in her relationship with him. The absence of love’s warmth meant to fill her body was her own fault; her inability to reach climax when they had sex was a problem for which only she was to blame.
It doesn’t mean she never tried, though. Abby had spent nights attempting to pleasure herself to the thought of Owen: the only person she should be thinking of; the only person supposed to be capable of reaching her to her climax.
And yet, all she felt was nothing. She laid in her bed, carnal and romantical dissatisfaction utterly consuming her. She was convinced that she was simply incapable of experiencing any sort of attraction exceeding platonicity.
But it only grew more confusing from there.
In another one of her inevitably futile attempts of bringing herself to climax to the thought of Owen, she felt her mind begin to drift to another thought that would hopefully bring her to that much desired release.
She didn’t intend for it to, but the man was just not doing it for her.
That night, she thought of a woman.
That night, she came so hard she swore she could see stars.
A specific woman she thought of in particular, but she would never admit who it was that finally relieved that ache. Not even in the confines of her own thoughts.
And so here she found herself, seated on the soft cushion of your worn-out couch.
You were Abby’s sole friend who was openly lesbian. Abby had seen you bring women over numerous times before. She had listened to your rants about your sexual and romantic encounters with women.
She even helped set you up with one, which harbored a slight odd feeling in the pit of her stomach for a reason she couldn’t quite decipher.
She had thought of it many times: what it was like being with a woman. She didn’t really know what to make of those thoughts. Whether it was mere curiosity, or perhaps something more.
And now here she sat next to you, trying to find the confidence to speak.
She never found it hard to confide in you. Of course not, you were her dearest friend. But this dilemma of hers was difficult to merely utter aloud, even if it is only to herself.
You were on your phone when Abby spoke.
“So… you’re gay,” she started, and she wanted to strike herself as soon as the words left her mouth, because of course you were gay. What kind of opening is that?
“Good observation?” You chuckled, bemused. You placed your phone down, curious as to where she was going with this.
“What’s it like? You know, being with a woman,” she asked, already regretting bringing it up, but she just needed some certainty.
Your eyebrows twisted in confusion at the inquiry. You and Abby were comfortable enough to share anything with each other. Nothing was considered too much information or too uncomfortable to talk about.
It was just an odd question coming from Abby, who you thought was so sure of her sexuality.
“I guess it’s like how it feels for you being with a man.”
God, she hoped not.
“Why?” You asked.
“Just curious, that’s all. Wanna understand your sexuality more, educate myself,” she spoke rather timidly.
You laughed softly. “Oh, because you’re so woke, right?”
Abby could tell you didn’t believe her. In all fairness, she didn’t really put much effort into trying to sound the least bit credible.
She didn’t even know why she was lying to you right now. She trusted you, she always has. This was just a difficult truth to face.
“I don’t know. I’m just feeling a little confused, I guess,” she confessed, shrugging.
“About your sexuality?” Your voice was slow, but your heart beat quicker than ever before.
You would be lying if you said you didn’t find Abby attractive. You’ve always had a little childish crush on the blonde, but you constantly found yourself trying to shove your feelings aside, somewhere far away so it could no longer reach to gnaw at your heart.
But now this — this made it all different. You might be getting slightly ahead of yourself, but you can’t help but think that now you might have the smallest chance with her.
“I don’t know— I mean, yeah, I guess,” she said as she fiddled with the seams of her shirt. “Owen’s just never really made me feel… well, anything. Anything you’re supposed to feel with a partner, I don’t feel it. I thought maybe the problem was Owen specifically, but I’ve come to realize that it’s not.”
“But women get you going?”
“I think so,” she admitted, finally. “I tried to think about a woman last night, while, you know…” she trailed off, her skin suddenly feeling very hot at the confession.
“And?” You whispered, feeling just as hot at her confession. “Was it just what you were missing?”
Abby went quiet for a moment, then she answered. “Yeah, it was.”
It was silent. Abby still looked like she had something to say, so you offered no response for a moment.
“But how could I know? I’ve never tried anything romantic or sexual with another woman, so how would I be able to tell? I could just be confused,” she said.
You were quiet, contemplating your next words. What you were about to do could either ruin your friendship, or elevate it to something more. You were relying on the latter.
“You wanna try?” You asked. Your voice sounded bold, but everything within you was shaking with apprehension.
She offered naught but an incredulous look. Her eyes were blown wide, disbelieving.
“What?”
Well, shit.
“I mean, solely for experimental purposes, of course. A kiss shared with another woman, just to be certain,” you explained.
The tension was thick, almost palpable. You were nervous at Abby’s silence and you realized that this is where your boldness gets you.
You were ready for her harsh rejection and the revulsion that would surely be evident in her voice, but then she spoke.
“Okay,” she said. Not a hint of revulsion in her tone. You didn’t know it, but her heart beat just as quick as yours.
“Really?” You asked, surprised as if you hadn’t been the one to offer.
“Well, yeah,” she leaned in slightly, bringing her face closer to yours. “Just for experimental purposes, right?”
“Yeah, sure,” you breathed. You brought your face to hers, and in a split second you closed the gap between you, meeting each other in a slow kiss, your eyes fluttering shut.
Her lips were soft. Her kiss felt nervous, lacking confidence, yet it still exceeded every expectation.
You pulled away once you felt it was enough. You looked at her and waited for what she had to say.
“Oh yeah, I’m definitely gay,” she said and pushed your face right back into hers, meeting your lips in a much more heated kiss.
This kiss, however, held the confidence the previous one lacked, her lips moving skillfully against yours. You waited for the shock to wear off before kissing her back, clearly not expecting her to want more.
You disconnected your lips once again, pulling her face away from yours. “Abby—”
“Just need-” she interrupted her own words to press another swift peck to your lips. “A little more-” another kiss. “Just to make sure,” she said, finally and pulled you in for another kiss. She cupped your burning cheeks with her palms and slipped her tongue into your mouth.
What was supposed to be an innocent kiss, solely for the sake of experiment (how the thought made you laugh now), turned into her exploring your mouth with her tongue and pushing her body against yours. This kiss held no place for innocence now.
She softly moaned into your mouth, the sound vibrating throughout your body.
She used her thumb to lightly caress your cheek as she kissed you like her life depended on it. She slightly pulled apart then, nibbling on your bottom lip with her teeth.
As the kiss came to an end, you sat staring at each other, breathless, and oh so blissful.
“You wanna know something?” Abby asked with a dumb smile on her face which brought another smile upon your own. You hummed.
“It was you,” she started, still faintly breathless. “You were who I thought of.”
Your eyebrows rose at the confession. It was unexpected, but certainly not disliked.
What you were more surprised at, though, was how casually she said it, seemingly too blissed out at the moment for any feeling of embarrassment.
“You telling me I was your gay awakening?” You asked, grinning.
“You could say that.” She shrugged and scratched at the back of her neck.
You laughed and scooted closer to her. “Well, I guess I’m honored then,” you said.
“Alright,” she rolled her eyes and laughed. She leaned in then, craving more of your taste.
You giggled into the kiss and pulled away, licking your lips to savor her intoxicating taste.
“I think we’ve already come to the conclusion that you’re gay. You still want more?”
She brought her face closer again and caressed your cheeks. She was close enough that you could feel her breath against your lips.
“Yes,” she breathed. “Now shut up and let me kiss you.”
#꩜ asks#tlou#the last of us#abby anderson#the last of us part two#tlou2#abby anderson the last of us#abby anderson tlou#abby anderson tlou2#abby x reader#abby anderson x reader#abby x fem!reader#abby x fem reader#abby the last of us#abby tlou#abby x you#abby x y/n#abby anderson x you#abby anderson x female reader#abby anderson x y/n#tlou hbo#tlou part 2#tlou game#abby anderson smut#abby anderson fluff
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