#i feel like even if i DID try to have a kid myself it wouldnt go well. considering how fucked these stupid reproductive organs already are

[woolandcoffee]

.

[queercatboyrights]

woke up feeling like I just had a 2x4 forcibly skewered through my lower abdomen can someone PLEASE get rid off this shit ass organ I am begging

[coochiekrab]

I'm sorry if this is a weird question or if I have the wrong impression of the situation, but do Rumi and Evan ever wish for better for their mom? Like, obviously Kuri's adult life isn't terrible and she's living within her comfort zone. But I feel like from the perspective of her children it must be difficult to watch your mom struggle like that, growing up when my mom would have trouble leaving the house or taking care of herself I would find myself wishing that her life was easier, that my grandparents had been better parents, that she had more friends and more of a support system. Like I know Aubrey loves her and he seems like a very supportive guy but it feels like there's also a lot of imagery of Kuri being swallowed up in his shadow in a way, and it makes it very hard to not think about the way her upbringing seems to choke her sense of independence, it makes me wonder if Rumi and Evan pick up on that and how it makes them feel. Sorry if I'm misinterpreting or reaching about any of this, I'm a little new here but very invested, you're a wonderful artist/writer.

i think both of them would be very aware that shes a huge shut in and i think they would "pity" her to a degree but in different ways, and they def wouldnt have a Good Faith grasp on it until adulthood.

rumi i think would be frustrated by the way kuri never wants to do anything; she would want to go shopping with her mom and go on fun trips with her, not necessarily because she wants her mom to have fun and enjoy life but because she needs her moms permission to go somewhere or do something lol. she would want to bond over dressing up or doing each others hair and makeup but kuri rarely wears anything fancier than a t-shirt and leggings and hasnt seen makeup since her wedding day. she would want to buy her mom luxury gifts for her birthday or mothers day but kuri has never needed a purse a day in her life because she doesnt go anywhere. she Does pity her but in a kinda selfish spoiled teenager kind of way

evan i think really wouldnt pity her until adulthood, from like age 15-19 he wouldnt even like her at all. he would expect a mother to know how to discipline and nurture her kids but realize shes about as useful as a Wet Napkin. Clueless and helpless. as a father he would feel.........something. about the way he can watch Kuri be a "better" (more prepared) mother figure to Freak Thang than she was to him. maybe bittersweet. i think he would feel very guilty about the way he felt about her when she was only trying to (figuratively and literally) survive

i dont think evan. rumi, or even aubrey would know what her dad did to fuck her up so badly. the babies would just know that she doesnt know her mom nor talk to her dad, and aubrey would just know to be gentle and how to pick up the pieces

[avatarl0v3r]

Chapter 1| The Sully Family

Warnings/notes: Like i said basic avatar shit, italics = Na'vi and jakes monologue, also i’m currently writing both this and the first movie, have fun reading lovely’s

side note about y/n: she has white hair, and has a close connection the the creatures and life (including her kids) around her and she can feel their emotions and pain

next

Taglist 🏷️: @ladylovegood-69 @brookesbizzareadvendture @jakesully-sbabygirl @minkyungseokie

"The forest of Pandora hold many dangers, But the most dangerous thing about Pandora is that you may grow to love her too much."

You take your aim at the viper wolf a few feet away from you as you pull the string back it gets caught on your stomach causing you to have to readjust your form letting the arrow fly through the air with a grunt.

you walk back to the village with your pray slung over your shoulder upon entering neytiri runs up to you "where have you been?" she then notices the viper wolf slung over your shoulder "you were hunting?! what about the baby? is the baby alright?" she says trying to turn you and check for any wounds or signs that you got hurt.

you hissed and slapped her hand away "im not a baby, im an adult, and i may be pregnant, but that doesn't mean im growing weak im strong enough to take care of myself and my baby," you say angry with the way she was treating you since you became pregnant shes been treating you like a baby "i think of my child all the time its the first thing i think of in the morning, if i want to hunt ill hunt, now if you'll kindly move out of my way" you say walking past her.

your mother came from behind neytiri "you've made her angry" neytiri let out a irritated sigh "she was out hunting without thinking of the baby" your mother smiled at her daughter "y/n is perfectly fine, if she wants to hunt let her, she doesnt want to feel like a burden to anyone just because shes pregnant, she has a strong spirit and strong willed, she'll do what she wants and no one will be able to stop her" she said smiling at neytiri.

"even while pregnant y/n wouldnt listen to anyone at all, not even me something about that made me love her even more."

--

"Lie si oe Neteyamur, Nawma Sa'nokur mìfa oeyä, Atanti ngal molunge Mipa tìreyti, mipa 'itanti Lawnol a mì te'lan, Lawnol a mì te'lan" (I experiment Neteyam, To the great mother inside me, You brought me light, New life, new goal, Great happiness that is in my heart, Great happiness that is in my heart).

you sang holding a woven line with beads in your hand slowly moving your fingers across every bead, singing a different story which each one your fingers touched.

"We sing the songcords to remember, each bead, a story in our life, a bead for the birth of our son" the whole clan in the forest standing in a circle, the same way they did when jake become on of the people jake was in the middle holding your son in the air, your arm on jake while your other hand was being held by your mothers.

you watched as neteyam was lifted in the air being welcomed as one of the people you smiled at the sight "Neteyam" and the rest of the Na'vi repeated.

"Zola'u nìprrte', ma Kiri, Ngati oel munge soaiane, Lie si oe atanur, Pähem parul, ti'ongokx ahuta, Lawnol a mì te'lan, Lawnol a mì te'lan" (Welcome, Kiri, I experiment the light, A miracle arrives, a born comes to me, Great happiness that is in my heart, Great happiness that is in my heart).

"A bead when we adopted our daughter, Kiri" you and jake stood on one side, while norm stood on the other side of the glass tank that held graces avatar watching her stomach grow throughout the months "born of graces avatar, a daughter whos conception was a total mystery."

"A bead for the first communion with Eywa" you, jake and the rest of the clan were at the soul tree everyone's singing voice filling the air around "The people say we live in Eywa, and Eywa lives in us," your mother connects neteyams queue the the tree as you look over and smile "the great mother holds all her children in her heart."

"Ma Eywa, ma Eywa" you finish singing as you stood up to put the songcord back in its safe place, jake looks at you lovingly as you stop singing.

--

your sitting down with kiri and lo'ak as jake holds neteyam as if he was toruk flying above pandora "Happiness is simple," you flap your arms as if you were toruk flying around your kids "but who would've thought a jarhead like me would crack the code" jake watched as kiri and loak followed you.

--

your whole family is laying together you telling the story of how you first met their family the kids smile and watch you talk with interest in their eyes "when i first met your father i was trying to kill him, he was to loud, and he acted like a baby not knowing what to do" you tell them.

they let out little laughs, not believing that their mother would've tried to kill their father "it was love at first sight." as you all sunggled close to go to bed, while you laid there awake wondering about these dreams Eywa has been plaguing you with, there was fire and destruction, the sky was dark full of smoke and ashes, you felt the emotions of the creatures around you, pain and sorrow is all you felt from them.

but you didnt let those dreams bother you, but it was always there replaying in the back of your head, if the sky people did return and there was another war you would fight to protect your people and the people you loved, but this time your kids would be involved and that thought scared you,

only Eywa knew about what was to come and she was warning you of what dangers were lurking around the corner.

[militarymenrbomb]

Found another story:

24 Straight with a gf of 6 years and somehow ended up with a sugar daddy

Sorry this is a really long story everyone!!

I wouldn't consider myself straight anymore but I sure did about 6 months ago. Bisexual would be the best way to explain it now!

6 months ago I wouldn't of thought of hooking up with another person , let alone a guy. I considered myself pretty straight past the little phase when i was 15 of wanting just about anyone to suck my cock and watched some gay porn a few times..

I'm in a happy relationship with a great girl but we are just finishing school and don't have a lot of money. We both live at home and are trying to save to buy a house together but it's almost impossible nowadays for young people. I took up a second job at a restaurant my family friend owns just on nights being a bartender!

The tips are great usually and I found myself saving some money but we were easily years away from the goals we had even with the second job!

One night I had an older man come in that had to be about my dad's age and he sat at the bar for hours talking to me whenever he had the chance about his business he used to own or about his ex wife and kids and I listened like a bartender does, he told me that after his wife left him he decided to start getting with younger girls and guys that needed money. I was kind of taken back by his comment and didn't have much to say and made up some reason to help another customer. It was pretty awkward honestly.

At the end of the night he gave me a 100$ tip which was amazing and I was very thankful and thanked him a few times. He looked at me and said there's alot more if you really want it and slid his number over on a piece of paper and walked away. I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash and finished my night that was about to end.

As we were cleaning up and leaving , I did the trash and saw the number.

I was curious how much money he was talking about, and what he really wanted from me.. I took the number and texted him asking what he wanted out of curiousity.

I texted him "hey it's Jay from the bar" and he answered back "Oh hello, you're taking up my offer then?" I answered back asking what he wanted.

He said to come over when I'm off, he will be naked and he just wants to cum all over my chest, no touching. For 1000$. "Simple" in his words..

I couldn't believe he'd pay 1000$ for that... I honestly thought it was so weird but figured it was a pretty harmless way to make 1000$ blinded by the money and agreed.

I went to his house pretty nervously and reluctantly, I almost left about 4 times before knocking on his door.

He was there naked and jacking off already and said to take my shirt off and anything else that I didn't want cum all over. I was feeling very very weird and felt kinda trapped in this now..

I was going to see my gf after so I couldn't have cum on my stuff. So I took everything off but my underwear which seemed to excite him..

He got me to kneel infront of him and tell him about my girlfriend which led to me telling him I've never been with a guy in my life. He was clearly very excited by that and came quickly all over my chest. I've never seen so much cum in my life and I just stared from my knees while his cock kept cumming ..

He leaned over and handed me ten 100$ bills and said "that's just the starting pay ya know"

I took it , cleaned up quickly and got dressed.. thanked him and went home feeling pretty shitty and sure I wouldnt do it again..

After the fact in about 2 weeks I couldn't believe I had 1000$ for a 5 minute stop home.. and started thinking if I let him do that every little bit we could buy a house in no time... so i texted him again...

Asked if he wanted to do it again to which he responded "Every stop you go up a level, 2000$ and you're naked this time and I want to see some pictures of your girlfriend while I make myself cum"

I didn't know what to say, but again convinced myself it was a pretty easy step up for 2 grand and now I didn't have to do it two more times, just this 1 more time! I went and did it , completely naked and showed him a few naked pictures of my girlfriend, he came hard and I left with 2 grand telling myself never again.

2 weeks later... again somehow now curious what level 3 would be to make 3k... at this rate I realized by level 4 I would of saved more money in this period then in a year. So I said to myself let's see what level 3 is.

I texted him again and asked what level 3 was , he responded with a "oh hey again... level 3 is you naked, jacking me off to pictures of your girlfriend, 5k this time for that."

I didn't want to jack him off honestly and ignored him for a few days thinking about it. Money clearly was my weak spot and I reluctantly agreed again and went to do it. I went in and got naked handed him my phone of pictures and grabbed his what must've been 8" cock and started to jack it off with both my hands like I would like it to make him cum hopefully fast. He loved every second of what must've been about 5 minutes of my jacking him off for him to release all over me. This time it hit my face and I was really grossed out and taken back by it which made him laugh?... kinda pissed me off and I took my envelope of money and left pretty upset with myself.

I now had 8k in 2 months and I didn't need anymore money that quickly. I was done and ashamed of myself but the money did make me feel alot better.

I told my girlfriend I won it at the casino with my friends and we realized we were only 10k away from our goal!!

Looking back, I sometimes wish I never heard we were 10k away..

Because now my brains trying to find quick ways to make 10k! And we all know now where my mind instantly went to. Level 4...

".... what's level 4...."

"Knew you'd be back 😉"

"What is level 4?!"

"Level 4 is you sucking my cock."

"10k if you try to swallow my cum"

I got up and headed over. I didn't give a fuck anymore, just suck this guys cock, make 10k and it's all fucking over with. I'll never make the money I did this fast ever again.

I walked in, got naked and on my knees and just went to town on his cock. I didn't want to over think it and went at it like ripping off a bandaid.

I was about 2 minutes in and realized ripping a bandaid is done once you do it.. sucking cock doesn't work that way.

I looked up and he was smirking at me and telling me I was a good boy, and I was amazing at sucking dick for a "newbie"... he grabbed my hair and just sat back and enjoyed.

I kept sucking his cock to his comments of being a good boy and slut and I fucking liked it kinda.

I was enjoying sucking his cock ? I started to eagerly suck faster and want him to cum which he did, all in my mouth...

He held the back of my head and grunted loudly shooting shot after shot which I just tried to keep swallowing..

When he was done I just sat in my kneeled position kinda horny, kinda embarrassed..

He said "good slut, I'm fucking you next, text me tomorrow when youre ready!"

I got up.. agreed and got dressed and left.. I went home put the money away and just took a shower to think... I jacked off to the idea of him fucking me and texted him like he asked without a thought.

I went over to his house the next day and he made me suck his dick again, which I happily did. He sat down and told me to ride his cock and give him my virgin ass... he poured lube all over and I listened. I slowly put it in which hurt alot honestly and felt pretty terrible. He didn't care and moaned and enjoyed all of it.. even me hurting I think honestly..

The terrible pain lasted 5 minutes maybe even 10 and I was having a horrible time and questioned my whole life I think until it didn't hurt.

This man fucked my ass for an hour and made me cum harder then anything in my life. (I can tell a full story about our sex later)

I left with 0$ that night. Didn't even ask for the money.

I have gone back, 3 to 4 times a week to suck this man's cock and get fucked by him for free everytime for the last 4 months.

I seriously think I'd pay him if he said no.

I'm his fucking slut now and I don't understand it.

I can't stop going back, I can't stop doing it and I seriously am considering breaking up with my girlfriend and just being his little boy which he keeps asking me to do...

Still honestly can't believe this is happening.

[smalltestaccount]

okay i think ive come to the conclusion that i dont really fit in with most other trans women, like personality wise, and thats okay. Like i think recently a lot of trans women, not just on tumblr, have been making me think i have to be kinky and bizarre or something, be blasé about transitioning or gender roles, or even just like be okay with some borderline harassing behavior. Its okay if that is you (except the harassing behavior some of yall need to work on that), but like thats not really me. Acting this way just makes me feel bad. Just ignoring that Im a total straightedge, that im like a 1 on the Kinsey scale now. Ever since i was like 11 my biggest desire is just like being a normal cis girl. I always am happiest embracing basic American femininity, and i only just re-realized this after after it helped me get out of a depressive episode (along with antidepressants and an increased estrogen dose). I don't care if im "enforcing gender roles", because i fucking love female gender roles (in modern American culture) cause they make me feel like not-a-piece-of-shit. Also i don't strictly adhere to many anyways. And i just don't think terfs would have any issues with cis girls who love the color pink, flowers, being boy crazy, and dreaming about being a mother. So like why should I feel like its wrong to like that stuff? I don't think there is anything wrong with it. And you know if you don't have that relationship with gender that is fine, you need to do what makes you happy, that's why feminism exists. I'm just saying I don't want to pretend like my personality is something that really just makes me uncomfortable.

I dont like when people here imply being a trans woman entails being sexual cause like i just want to be normal and that stereotype is harmful, especially to transgender children who are really likley to be targeted for some kind of sexual abuse because theyre trans and being trans is already sexualized more than it needs to be. Adults can navigate that to some extent, but not kids; I couldnt really navigate that when i started transitioning in middle school and im lucky it only stayed online. Trying to even somewhat fit in with tumblrs idea of trans women has made me encounter tranny porn on my dash and whenever i post images of myself I'm followed by gross accounts that just reblog that stuff . A lot of trans women don't hate it, because sex work is very much as part of the trans community. But honestly, seeing trans women be treated in those ways just makes me feel bad for the actresses and sick about myself and very dysphoric.

Im not saying that you cant express kinkiness and hyper-sexuality, because I dont want to dictate how you act any more than i want you to be dictated on how I act. But I also want to encourage thoughfulness in what you say. Saying you, yourself, is kinky and weird, is not that same as saying trans *girls* are kinky and weird. In the same way I'm not going to reblog tradwife content, I don't think its productive to make an "all tgirls be kinky" post. You shouldn't try to paint that image of other trans women.

As its the first day of june I'll just tie it up by saying that not all trans people fit into one personality and if you want to show support its best not to suggest trans women all act a certain way, and please don't think talking about "gock" is a good way to show support. This isn't a "kink at pride" discourse post in the very slightest cause I don't, and never have, given any shits about that, cause I've never been to pride. This is just me talking about how I fit into the trans community.

Im Alexa and I'm going to reblog and post shit i like, not what other people like or expect. That Includes not doing tummy tuesday cause i really only briefly did it out of fomo and peer pressure. And please don't say things about me that you wouldnt say about other women

[iamunabletothinkofablogname]

Isn't it SO fun to be harassed and bullied at school? /sarc

People call me a "FUCKING WEIRDO!" (Yes, that's word for word.)

They make faces at me like I'm sort of disgusting slob. (And they SHOW it and they WANT me to know they think that!)

Along with that, one kid pretended to gag and throw up at the sight of me, and used solar eclipse glasses to not look at me.

One kid called me ugly today! (YAY! /sarc)

They poke and prod at me like I'm a science experiment.

They fear the fact I smile all the time, that I tend to keep an emotionless expression in my eyes. (I'm only following Alastor's advice!)

They love to annoy me... But it's getting tiring.

Only a select few enjoy my presence, they keep me in and go along with my antics. My friend group likes having me around. And other kids I don't know much and we're neutral with each other.

I know I'm "weird" by their standards. But what's the fun in the world without differences?

I know I took on the persona of "weirdo" in my class. I want to go up to a teacher and cry. Because I didn't deserve to be treated like this?

I didn't deserve to be told "You know you should kill yourself" when I'm already suicidal. Did I?

Get told I'm retarded like 10 times already? Maybe more? (I'm not even exaggerating...)

And considering I might have mental illnesses such as possible autism, that's even meaner. At this point I'm not living, I'm surviving.

There's a reason why I've given up. My best friends are on the internet. I don't think without them I would be able to live today. Why do the people who care about me, share my interests, accept me for who I am, respect me, and TREAT me like I'm a human being, so far away?

I know I may be Xenogender, but that's no excuse for treating me no better than some sort of inferior species.

I see no one else getting treated like this, I'm the subject, no, the OBJECT of their bullying.

What the fuck am I supposed to do??? What do you fucking EXPECT me to do??? "Be yourself"??? I AM being myself, and you're fucking BULLYING me!? AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT ON SOME SORT OF MASK? I AM SMILING, MOTHERFUCKER, YET YOU STILL BULLY ME WHEN I DO HAVE A MASK!? /not you, to them

Like, please. Let me rest. Let me have a normal day where I don't have to face discrimination. Where I get treated with love.

I get treated so awfully so much, that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I lost myself.

My catchphrase has to be "I'm so done-" because I said that more than I needed to.

I feel like the next time someone does anything to me, I'm just going to burst out crying.

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

I hope you're doing alright right now, first things first, i need to let you know that you do matter, and you certainly don't deserve to be treated as subhuman as they treat you, I only wish the worst upon them <3 They are bitches who are a waste of oxegyn, they need to put you down to feel something or feel like they matter, and for that they are the weakest most disgusting subhuman people, genuinely hope they get more fucked up than they ever made you feel 🧡

It's pretty obvious that they're trying to make you feel shit, and i wish i was there to fight them off or comfort you when it happened, i said it before and i'll say it again, you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy, and to feel like you are loved and cared for, the way they treat you is uncalled for and it's disgusting [them, not you, your cool] And agreed, your gender or your neurodivergence shouldn't be the reason you get bullied, they aren't things you can control, or things you have to change, they are litterally a part of your being/existence, I can't believe all of the shitty things they're doing, you don't deserve it. Have you tried to tell anyone? [although that doesn't work often, it's worth a try]. It seems like it's really affecting you, whether you admit it or not /nbr /npa I'd reccomend telling a teacher/principle [the meaner the teacher the better], if that doesn't work fight back, physically i wouldnt reccomend but if you have to, do it. Theres not much we can do about bullying, which is fucking shitty, but please hang in there at least and take care of yourself, i care about you and love you /p

I hope it gets better and they stop, they're pieces of shit who shouldn't be making you feel like this, they're insensitive cunts who should have their face cut up, hope they get bullied those fucking assholes

[northamericanjaguar]

I like how in obnl that by telling Jay that he's like, 'human enough' or whatever Sensei Wu actually just made things worse because now Jay is going to internalize that shit and decide that he's only a good person as long as he behaves human even if it's small things that most certainly have no baring on morality.

It's like a newly turned vampire feeling bad for sinking their fangs into an apple, that's an apple bro, you did not do anything at all immoral. but there's this strict black and white dichotomy stuck in your head, this sort of logic that on a verrrrry surface level first glance might make some sense but as soon as you think about from an actually logical standpoint it's gonna fall apart. it's just that people stuck with that black and white thinking aren't gonna have that mindset broke so easily

weird comparison but similar vibes as like, conservative queer people, like trying to go 'I'm one of the good ones!' and trying to conform to standards and norms as to make the people around you more comfortable. just not a very healthy approach things.

need someone to talk some fucking logic into him, I feel like the first master saying the thing with Nya was the closest so far. as someone that had to deal with some internalized transphobia I think a thought that tricked me into treating myself kindly was reminding myself 'i wouldnt think that about literally anyone else' or 'i wouldnt say that about a friend'.

I’m glad you’re enjoying the story and that it’s resonating with you!

I don’t think that’s a weird comparison at all—Jay in my fanfic has a lot of internalized prejudice he struggles to unpack, just like some people in real life struggle with internalized transphobia, racism, ableism, or misogyny. Overcoming internalized bias has always been a key theme of OBNL since I started writing this story as a high school kid, even if I wasn’t fully aware of or able to articulate the theme as such at the time. All I knew was that writing such a character was incredibly therapeutic for me (And only years later realized why as I started to acknowledge and confront my own internalized biases XD) Now that I’m older and fully aware of it, I definitely lean heavily into that theme!

I was so excited when you mentioned Wu’s behavior was problematic. Like, “YES! This person get it!” One sub theme I knew I wanted to explore when I came back from my hiatus was how even well-intentioned people and beliefs can cause harm. My intent is to write Wu (and the rest of the team) as someone who generally cares about about Jay, but his own negative biases and beliefs prevent him from actually helping Jay in the way he needs to be helped. Jay’s “I’m not like other Serpentine” mindset (which is inspired by girls who fall prey to the toxic “I’m not like other girls” phenomenon✨💅) is a crutch—it’s a short-term fix that forces him to box away part of who he is, and not actually accept himself.

And hoo boy… You’re right. Eventually, that’s all going to come to an ugly head. Unfortunately, not in this story, most likely. But if you wanna see Jay actually confront some of these mindsets (and get a little closer to self-acceptance and make some Serpentine friends along the way) stay tuned for the sequel!

There will be a grumpy Skales, Fang-kwon-do lessons, and a certain Island Snake Weeb who’s a bit *too* interested in this snake ninja galore!

[catastrophicdisasters]

i promised myself i wouldnt keep inflicting TUA essays on people who... probably do not want to hear them lmfao so, MORE YAPPING INTO THE VOID

i'm in the middle of my rewatch rn (i am not going to be caught up in time but we're not thinking abt that rn) and have Thoughts abt the Luther / Allison... thing

SO!!

i mean, we all agree while it's not technically incest... it's still incest, right? that said, they did kind of pop off with the dancing in the moonlight dance scene. i rlly want the dress Emmy wears, it's so pretty

BUT like, i remember watching it the first time and being like "... why?" bc it's just... it's kinda cute, but mostly it's just weird. even at the time, i didnt think it was going to last the season, i fully expected (hoped) for it to get wrapped in the "we shouldnt be doing this" by the end of s1

but watching it back it really just highlights how alone they both are? that, realistically, it was never more than a friendship / tiny crush, that just... ended up going to more places than it should've because they were just so, so isolated from normal life?

allison says it herself - "maybe you're the only person who really knows who I am and still likes me anyway". they never had any real human connection other than the rest of the Umbrellas - they were child celebrities, superheroes, even!

and Allison may have left, may have had a life outside of the academy, but when you think about it she went from being a famous child superhero to a famous actor - nobody ever knew her. it's even implied that she rumoured patrick to love her ('i heard a rumour that you love me'), so it's likely that even her husband didn't really know who she was. and also, let's face it, who in the 'real world' is really going to understand what it's like to be part of a family of superheros and raised by a robot mother and... Reginald? (im not even gonna begin to unpack what he did to those kids, jfc) other than someone else that was there, who experienced all of it, right along side you

(shared trauma, and all that)

"You're the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known" - yeah, probably because every other man she's ever met has wanted to use her for something, most likely her fame. to be able to say that they dated ~Allison Hargreeves~, one of the amazing Umbrella Academy kids, or that famous actress, and not because they actually liked her or had any interest in her as a person. or, she rumoured them to be interested in her, so the entire 'connection' she had with them was fake from the outset - entirely built on lies and superficial bullshit

(coming back to this at the start of s1e8, the way she visibly deflates and looks kind of uncomfortable/resigned when the policeman recognises her and starts acting differently. but then she takes advantage of it. admittedly, in this case, she’s trying to hunt down her sibling, but... you know?)

in fact, it's likely that none of her connections outside of the academy were ever real, so it's not surprising that Luther is the only one she felt that kind of connected to. they all talk about how Five thought he was superior to them all, even before he jumped; Viktor was left out of everything;, none of them took Klaus seriously, and i'm p sure i remember it showing him rolling a joint at a breakfast; it sounded like Diego and Luther were always at odds with each other (and if she was closest with Luther anyway, she'd take his side in any arguments); and Ben looked pretty shy, and then he was gone too.

and Luther... Luther lived to be Spaceboy, the academy's Number One. he says it, too: "I sacrificed everything for him, my entire life. I never left this house, I never had friends, and for what?". maybe Allison had these fake connections, but Luther didn't even have that

so it's not surprising that they were - or thought they were - in love with each other. they literally have no idea what real human connection looks or feels like

i don't think their relationship was ever meant to be anything other than a way to highlight that, personally

everybody else's trauma manifests in clear ways, but Allison? with her movie star life, her husband and child? she's normal! she got away! and Luther? he was happy as Spaceboy, nothing bothered him! just endless frustration at his siblings who didn't take their jobs seriously.

wrong.

and their weird little psuedo-incestuous relationship proves that

at least to me, anyway! obvs youre free to disagree with me lmao, and i havent gotten to s2 in my rewatch yet so i couldve forgotten / missed something entirely obvious

ONE DAY LEFT IM NOT READY

[mar64ds]

I would like to write down my own experience with lovelessness, we all have a different one and talking about it might help me understand it better + might help non-loveless people understand better as well

For most of my life, I didn't really questionned if I felt love or not. It's just something I assumed I did, to me (and to mostly everyone) it was like questionning if the sky was blue. Everyone felt love, that's what we all do, you see it on movies all the time, you see it at school, you see it in families (be it your own or others). I grew up with a mother that REALLY really valued love, it's the center of it all for her, which it's its own can of worms considering what kind of mother she turned up to be. She told me and my brother that she loved us every single day multiple times, I have never doubted that I was loved.

I was a very distant kid that enjoyed playing alone and being alone, but growing up I became very insecure about it and desesperatly wanted friends just to not be seen as the weird lonely classmate. I made some school friends, but either didn't last long or were very shallow friendships. My only long lasting friend is a neighbor of mine and while I would like to have more friends, I have also come to realize that the idea of having many friends makes me feel a bit... overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed in fact. I like the idea of having friends you talk to sometimes and hang out sometimes, but the idea of talking to multiple people every day and hanging out with them almost everyday sounds exhausting.

But let's get back to the topic of love. I have never been the biggest fan of 'power of love' tropes. When I was a kid I thought it was corny and took me out of the story. I was a bigger fan of stories that were more comedic than anything else, there were some exceptions here and there (big fan of digimon for example), but overall I just didn't relate to feeling an intense amount of love for someone. I started liking stories about love as I grew older, but there was something in the back of my mind that I didn't pay attention to until much later

One day I truly started thinking about it. I started to think about how characters in stories feel love, how I perfectly understood how they feel love. Then I started thinking about myself. I started to think if I loved my mother, my brother, my friends. Keep in mind, I was very young and still wasn't aware how toxic my family was, and at the time I had friends in school. So I started thinking about it and realized that I didn't actually feel any love for anyone. It wasn't like how I saw on tv, I understood love in fictional characters, but I didn't feel anything for the people I was close to. I got really scared and told to myself that I was just overthinking stuff and let it go.

From time to time, the thought returned and I continued to try to ignore it. I felt like a horrible person everytime I thought about it. With my family it was understandable as I realized that, well, my family is terrible. But with friends it felt cruel. I wanted to have friends, I have a good friend, how can I not actually feel anything? It felt evil and selfish.

I told to myself that I definitely do feel love and if I thought I didn't I just had to convince myself that I did. That it's also possible no one really 'feels' love and it's just a word we use for people we are close with and care about. Yep, that's totally what it is

I realized I was aro but I have talked about that already. Later on I found out about lovelessness. I read more about it and wanted to include it when I talked about aspec stuff, loveless people were very mistreated and misunderstood even inside the community. I care a lot about aspec issues, lovelessness felt like a big thing I had to care about, I challenged the way I see emotions and love and relationships, it gave me a lot to think about.

With time, lovelessness felt very very comforting. Those scary moments where I thought I was evil and crazy wouldnt have been scary if I knew not feeling love was normal and okay. Lovelessness is also comforting when I have to confront my very love-centered abusive mother. It's good to talk about how love isn't everything when we talk about abusers that use love as a way to come across as sympathetic and well-intentioned. Lovelessness felt sincere to me, love has felt forced and fake to me for the longest time, the possibility of someone that doesn't love but cares about others felt the most sincere thing ever for me. It felt more precious to me that someone is there for you over wether they love you or not.

I decided very recently to try out the label, I consider myself in the loveless spectrum, I'm not 100% sure if my love flunctuates and sometimes I may feel it, I genuinely have no clue. But I KNOW there are plenty of times where I don't feel it. Lovelessness has become a very important part of my life and myself. It makes me think a lot about life and relationships. It makes me happier. But it's also difficult given the fact that this is a very love-obsessed world. Which is why I want to acknowledge lovelessness more and more.

To me, it's true that love doesn't have one definition, it's going to mean something different for everyone. But some of us prefer to stop identifying with the word altogether. Maybe for your own definition of love that makes no sense, but we dont all have the same definition, remember that.

To me love is an emotion I don't really relate with and don't feel most of the time, if at all. I'm someone that wants to have some close friends but does not really want to be surrounded by too many people too much. I'm 100% non-partnerning as well. Love is not really important to me, I don't see it as something important or something to value people over. Toxic love is something I'm very familiar with and it has taught me that love really isn't everything.

Some might say my lovelessness comes from trauma, and while that's the case for many for me is highly unlikely. I already didn't feel love before realizing there was something wrong in my family. But my lovelessness definitely helps when I have to face my abusive mother

Lovelessness is super important to me. I could and will talk more about what it feels to me, hopefully my own perspective can help someone else!

[sonic06apologist]

I cant help but feeling like a failure rn and like ya society is hard and fucked and all that but its still just like hard to not feel like one rn. Like i look at my family and see all my cousins in my generation and my brother and they're all have a career and married and had at least one kid all before they even hit 30 and im like 31, unemployed, still dont cant even figure out what I WANT to even do, and yeah I dont want kids but i weirdly feel guilty about it. Like fuck even my brother has a house and wife and kid and good job and everyone thought he was gonna be the family fucked up (not very nice i know). Its probably cause i was a dumb lil straight A in school kid like my whole life my family always thought i was gonna be some big success and always pushed that down my throat and i never even knew what i wanted to do, they just thought im gonna like make something of myself and now i just look like an embarrassment to them all. Ya know I always had one goal in life and that was just to become like stable enough in life to make my mom not worry about me and even help her back out for all she did for me and i failed at that cause shes fucking dead. I feel so much shame and guilt for not being able to that while she was still here. Like I cant help just feeling like a constant failure from all this! I cant even fulfill my moms post life wishes cause my brother wont call or text me back when i try to reach out! I cant help feeling like the family fuck up, I feel guilty everytime I call my dad cause i wonder if he thinks that. He probably doesnt but damn 4 months without therapy does this to a guy like me I guess. Im 31 im fucking lost in life i failed my only goal i dont have a job and having trouble finding one ya its only ben a bit over 2 months but jesus now im the unemployed friend so i can never go out without any of them offering to give me a pity meal and i feel bad they have to spend their money on me even though i would do that same for them if roles were reversed and wouldnt bat an eye and they probably arent for me but i still feel bad! ive been staying up between 4 and 5 in the morning the past month. im just airing my grievences im not gonna do anything stupid its just my fucking god i am a failure!!!!

[wiihtigo]

CASEY NATION RISE 7, 9, 17, 20, 23, 25

ask game

7. What’s one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

i used to think that she didnt care much about the art of actually acting and cinema and stuff and for her it was more about just being famous and it didnt matter how. i think that was partially because although i knew i wanted her to lust for fame and money the acting dream was kind of just randomly decided on. i thought i could easily swap it out with modelling or singing or something and it wouldnt make much difference. but the more time ive spent with casey, the more i see her as a true lover of movies and art....which i think leads in well to her endgame job being a script editor rather than an actor. her true talents lie behind the screen even if she herself doesnt see it...

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

whats a girl to do - cristina

a post canon (after nell dies) caseys life anthem:)

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

well i was going to blame it entirely on you that nell dies and i had no say in that but i suppose i did come up with her emotional reaction to that myself, which causes me a lot of slow damage pain. SO I GUESS THAT..the fact she pushes michelle away after it happens is really depressing to me because thats literally her only friend left and only possible pillar of support, but she pushes her away because she hates everything and shes mad shes not nell and shes mad at her family and wants to explode. I think she'd be marginally less suicidal if she stayed friends with her.....

I guess also pulling from alternate realities the one where she dies is pretty fucked up. and very painful. and nell doesnt even make it to her to cradle her in her arms. SAD

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

yyessss. at least when he and nell start getting lowkey. no. highkey #serious. early in their setup he wouldnt gaf if nell was married to a businesswoman in russia.but when they start ummmm [redacted] then hes like waittt. lol waittttttt lol wait. lol. WAITTT. gets a little annoyed when theyre at the doom patrol warehouse party and jayna from the wonder twins tries to get ladybugs number. THATS MY BODYGUARD..GET YOUR OWN. it manifests in that he'll get clingy to nell and mean and passive aggressive (or just aggressive) towards the person pissing him off. will be petty and spiteful (sees some poor scared nervous young lesbian trying to say hi to nell so he slides in and nuzzles up to her shoulder in public to let that sstupid kid know to go away)

idk why he does this. if you asked him if he liked nell he would say And what has she done to MAKE me like her

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

lol GRIEF. little casey has never experienced a death before nell! not even a pet death. she has no idea how to process those feelings or cope with them in the slightest. she goes like catatonic immediately after the fact bcuz shes so completely shocked and wasnt prepared for it at all (lowkey thought ladybug was too awesomeand strong to ever get got. stupidd)

on the complete flip side, also .....l-l-l-l-l-l-l--l-l-l-l-l-l...LOVE. or at least feeling a smidge of serious romantic attraction to someone. in canon end she never gets to deal with that bcuz she only realizes it after nell died and then promptly buried everything related to nell deep inside a hole. but in nyc nell simply has an epic near death experience where hes hospitalized and thats when casey is like fuuuuuuuuuck that scared me. DO I LIKE HER? she acts a bit pathetic and tsundere abt it which is endearing to me personally. maybe scares nell a bit. its cute to me though <3

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

shes not a good person </3 shes selfish and mean and doesnt care about other people </3 bent on revenge and hating </3 genuinely not a good guy </3 i love everything negative about casey the most

i also think secretary characters are sexy.

[c0rpseductor]

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

[allamericansbitch]

I think they think it's a dig to Joe, because of the whole pain and trauma bit as in he didn't wanna marry her, she was dying inside because of it and the relationship not going well so rumours of them being married caused her all that pain. It's not new information by any means but it just makes swifties enraged because he didn't wanna marry her and who wouldn't etc etc. Not gonna lie to you, seeing everything that happened since April and how Taylor herself has been handling it herself I would have doubts myself and if anything I don't think he regrets his decision at all. Imagine how much of a nightmare it would be if kids were involved? Would we have a Joe Jonas and Sophie media war kind of thing?

It's sad for me to say this but Taylor and her friends are in mid thirties right now and it's expected you have grown out of some high school like behaviours. Liking tiktoks and posts and trying to shade your ex is like...at this point one would know better to do the shit talk in private. There's also a big power inbalance here, Taylor and her friends are not regular people, they are celebrities so all these things don't have an audience of 10 people. Even if Joe said something, he has even less power in the public eye than Calvin so everyone would destroy him. He knows that for certain, Taylor knows too and is so incredibly shitty she's putting him in that position. It sucks that he hurt you, but he's also a human being with family and friends who hurt for him. His family also just suffered a family member's death last month so I think they are also not 100% mentally ok right now. You're putting him in a worse position than the one you once were in. Is that like some kind of joke to re-enact reputation but this time she's the one starting a hate wave towards the person she credited so much for helping her ride hers?

you know what's also interesting? Travis ex implied he was with her and strung her along with the marriage thing too. But swifties response is/was that he wasn't sure because she wasn't the one for him like Taylor is. And sure that could be true, but makes you think he did the same thing or similar to what they think Joe did or didn't do and in this case because it's Taylor and they don't think he can get anyone better than her you don't see anyone saying well maybe he didn't wanna marry her, because he was also not sure she was the one

the fact that they do not see taylor as a human and admit that she might have flaws that dont make her a perfect partner and joe committed the cardinal sin of not forcing himself into a marriage is insane to me, and its also insane that literally anyone cares about this. like move on. but sadly it's almost impossible to move on because taylor keeps reminding us lol. and she knows he cant say anything, she knows shes got an army of millions who are so brainwashed they cant even think for themselves at this point.

and their extreme bias toward travis is insane. they turn a blind eye to everything he does because they think hes a god or something now. if it was discovered joe was excited to meet trump, made fatphobic tweets, called women breeders, played for a racist team that vocally supported Israel, etc..... i have a weird feeling it wouldnt get brushed over like it is for travis.

[miiilowo]

Hey Milo, follow-up question regarding In the Flesh: why does this exist.

(Like genuinely why are there FNAF books. Is it a sales thing? AFAIK the lore is different in some ways and none of it is directly referenced in any of the games, where did the books come from? WHO WROTE THESE)

i dont. know..........

The FNAF books originally began as a main-line novel series. While still being sort of insane, they were...relatively? grounded; You had your main cast characters investigating an old Freddy's location. Hijinks ensue, alongside sexy robot clones of people that turn into sexier versions of already existing robots but im getting ahead of myself

The original novels aren't supposed to directly line up with the FNAF game timeline in any sense, and are more like an alternate universe that provides information to fill up holes and gaps in the lore of the games. And to get Scott Cawthon money of course

The other book series (Tales of The Pizzaplex & Fazbear Frights) fill the same niche, but instead of being a direct line of novels they're more like goosebumps books. they're anthologies. they have absolutely nothing holding them together, and they get batshit insane. i am wholly convinced that most of the people involved in these projects have no idea what fnaf even is on a base level, aside from "fucked up haunted robots at a pizzeria kill people"

some of them have good concepts, but are executed poorly. most of the time, they have bad concepts and are executed badly. sometimes they accidentally write what looks like intentional anti-trans allegories. sometimes a girl accidentally kills her friend in a...freddy fazbears pizza factory, only for her friend to only kind of be dead and for there to be like, two of her for some reason. sometimes they have springtrap mpreg. sometimes a kid's flesh gets replaced by sea monkeys that resemble bonnie. and of course lest we not forget FAZ GOO whatever the fuck FAZ GOO is

there's only one story that sort of feels FNAF to me, which would be one called bunny call. it mimics (ha. hahahahah. ha. sorry you wouldnt get that) the gameplay loop in a sense at one point, with a father trying to keep his family safe from an intruder as he makes a mad dash around the cabin, not letting it get in any of the entrances. that's all fine and good, but the COVER ART DOESN'T EVEN MATCH WHAT'S DESCRIBED IN THE BOOK ASIDE FROM IT BEING A CARTOON RABBIT

whatever purpose the books originally had has sort of been entirely lost and spun into it's whole separate universe with vague fnaf allusions, existing almost entirely to make money. at least, thats how fazbear frights was. what's worse is tales of the pizzaplex, a series in which you absolutely 100% cannot understand anything happening in security breach without reading them, and feels more like a band-aid solution to the absolutely abysmal storytelling and lore that game didn't get to execute. i could go on for hours and hours about SB's cut content and story, but thats not the point here

i've yet to find a diehard fnaf fan who actually enjoys these things. which, i suppose, makes sense, since theyre more targeted toward children (which is odd considering all the extreme body horror in almost every single book, when you remember they wouldnt let vanny have her knife in SB for the sake of family friendliness) but it doesn't change the fact that theyre just absolutely fucking nuts and incoherent

i typed out way more than i wanted to here but ive been thinking about the books a LOT recently. i thought the sci-fi angle the main novels took was bad, unaware of the world of terror i was about to unleash by checking these out

[thehopelessexception]

save me lord(e) please save me

i struggle with the concept of religion because i've never quite understood the belief on an omnipresent something watching over you and giving you a path or whatever that's supposed to mean.

i went to church probably 15 times in my life when i was younger and i was bored all the time. i took the first communion when i was 10 because my parents made me do it. (i just wanted to taste wine and receive money from my family tho) but i remember that by that time i already rejected the concept of it. maybe because i was deppressed from the very age of 8 years old and i wanted to kms since then (im over it rn fyi), so the whole god thing it wasnt much enough to make me have faith in anything because i already thought i suffered more than jesus.

i've never been much close to my family, im a single child too. not to blame them really, but my parents did the bare minimum so i had to create my own moral codes from way too young. i teached myself, and educated myself on everything i know of since i was a kid. i took the responsibility of being the emotional support of adults as a child because they didnt know how to be parents nor communicate their feelings with each other (or me, for that matter). i hided my own. and when i was on my breaking point i took care of myself at 13/14 i think? and made myself go to therapy because i knew if i didn't i wouldnt be here today —i had to convince my mom, changing the reason i needed to go and i made her lie to my dad because he "doesnt believe in that" and so on—. my parents were clueless all the time 'till i grew up and told them my story on a crisis i had in the pandemic. they are still not the best parents you can find but i moved on from being resentful and made somehow peace.

i remember i was quite interested in the whole lucifer arc and the apocalypse stuff. when my catechist was explaining the 7(i think?) days of creation or etc i was reading the very end, fascinated as a kid reading the hunger games. probably my father's fault since he loved to watch the conspiracy shows in history channel about nostradamus and so on in the living room's tv. and also maybe because i loved chaos and i never fitted in anywhere so naturally i didnt even try.

i hyperfixated on greek gods if that helps.

at 13 i met the 1975, my favourite band (if it wasnt obvious at this point). and the first songs i listened to were girls, me, and antichrist. and i know it's very likely that you think im exaggerating but antichrist is doubtless the purest most real song i heard in my life. and i think about it a lot. the whole journey the band, and matty especially, made about religion made me think a lot through the years. i agree with him tho, but i made that entire journey when i was 9, as they said men do drugs once and discover the same things girls have discovered alone in their bedrooms at 13 years old. and today religion is a thing so foreign, and distant to me; sometimes i wonder if im missing something by not being part of that feeling.

i can't wrap my head around it, i cannot process faith because i don't find it logical. however when im lost i sometimes find myself asking for signs to "the universe", so it's complicated. i also think it's better for people that feel lost to find a communion of some kind than ending up being addicts or worse, liberals. and i also think some religions are waiting for people to have misery to sign them up on their cult.

what is religion really? what is god? is there one? or two? or millions? but what about science? the big bang? evolution? capitalism? media? how can all of that make some kind of sense altogether? i said already i am skeptical over probably everything, but the truth is that science is also a common agreement of stuff and "hard" evidence, but we don't have the certainty that things work like that in the whole universe, so technically it's not an absolute truth, it's just what works. but what is the whole universe? i trust science over anything ofc that's not what im trying to say, the thing is i lose my mind every now and then when i dig that up. because you end up thinking you are so tiny and irrelevant to the whole universe, the whole thing we live into. are we even alive at this point? is this reality real? and i know it's stupid deep thought thinking you have when you are a kid but i wrote something about this years ago in my diary and im going to quote it:

(i wrote it in my native language so the translation may suck a bit)

"(...) the human being is perfect, nature is perfect. the society is a mess but synchronously is perfectly designed to still work. what's the goal of humanity? some people believe in god, not me tho. i sometimes think people are simplistic and conformist with the unknown. weak deniers of the search of the truth. the systematization almost automatic that is used on people as individuals of each culture, each society; with the vague idea of making them believe on free will, and the freedom of choice. when there's something existing over us that influences us, dominates us, and drives us like cattle. but what is this really? (...) the different "types of control" influence all of us so we achieve an end to society. nobody question said unknown end, because they believe, they have faith; on themselves and their meritocracy, the destiny god prepared for them. to the reach of a post-civilization with all the answers, from the firm and fair science that at the same time is clinging to nothing, to the not knowing blindness. the problem with humanity is believing but not fighting for the answers. the problem with humanity is trusting in "what exists and what doesnt exist" as a concept; when you can find somehow the solution on untrusting and not believing on absolute truths, because all of those are influenced by human subjectivity. civilizations are built with absolute truths, "civilization or barbarism". the barbarism never was that much stupidified. do we live in a simulated civilization? i dont know, all i know is that i know nothing."

lately i've been thinking about religion as a support group for people, but the institution makes me yikes. i've been thinking a lot about lots of things.

and i find myself in the context where everything i know of is taking another meaning now. maybe religion is what conveys the society altogether, maybe it's something else. i don't know. the world was always at war because of religion, and the preponderance of one over another. noone can convince me that religion has nothing to do with the world war we're living rn.

i consider music as a support group, i have my own friends and we like the same things (i dont like people who i dont think somehow alike). and i like my music as a representation of my personality too. i believe one is what one consumes. i grew up here, on tumblr, and i know what i write now will probably resonate with you too.

what i know most of is possibly reading patterns on people. and what i am wondering right now is if we, as a whole, and our generation specifically, walked away too much from the "love your neighbor" premise. i may not believe in religion, but i believe in collectivism as a way to live, as a gear that sets society in motion. and me, personally, i am a hater of everything and everyone. but i can deal with it, i dont think society will. we can't make the bad people disappear, and we can't kill them all (sadly). so lately i tend to believe i have the knowledge and the wisdom to be the adult and choose to make peace with the evil, to stop fighting for making people change, and go build community, the safe space, the home, with the people who are predisposed to listen. because individualism will kill us all. and we cannot save ourselves alone.

lorde said explicitly "if you're looking for a saviour well thats not me". but here we are.

happy easter to those who celebrate.