#i feel like being nice today
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Virtual head pats and forehead kisses for all my moots 'cause you deserve it <3, unless you don't like physical affection, then you get a bowl of ravioli/sour gummy worms. :P
#i feel like being nice today#i love my moots#forehead kisses for all y'all#pat pat#that's all thank you <3
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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Felt a bit nostalgic watching RT shut down…Here are the og faves again for old times sake 💙
#rvb#agent washington#agent Carolina#lavernius tucker#michael j caboose#epsilon#my art rvb#ahhh a lot of feelings…of course I stepped away from rt as a company a long time ago#but RvB is special to me!! it was my first fandom experience ever#and the community here on tumblr specifically was so instrumental to me growing up#I really could not have asked for a better community of artists and writers to grow up in. I know it sounds like platitudes when I say#that everyone was super nice and talented but REALLY. People were so kind to me and somehow I became well known despite#my art and writing and me in general still being immature and hashtag cringe#I found my creative legs and#people would respond to my stuff with walls and walls of support in the tags and we would do exchanges and events every year#I made my first lyric comic and it’s still doing extremely well on YouTube even today!! my dad who passed away recently always loved it#and my favorite RvB writer came out of hibernation to write me a bunch of text wall asks about it#I’ve never had another fandom experience quite like RvB#I still keep in touch with many of my friends from that time period even though we’ve all moved on the other things#these guys will always always have a place in my heart#so long reds and blues….
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Ah yes, very mature indeed
I love these two getting far enough into their truce to annoy each other playfully, Dream is great at it immediately but it's good to see Nightmare starting to take part too
And don't worry, Dream did get revenge
#UTDR#UTMV#My Art#Dream Sans#Nightmare Sans#This is 100% self indulgent just for me art#But you guys can look at it too if you want#No background because I'm ~lazy~ today lol#Nightmare has a slow start on the brotherly teasing situation but he gets into it pretty easily#Usually using his tentacles to be a pest until Dream starts chasing him or (non-lethally) fighting him#I dunno I just think it's nice when they annoy each other for fun#And get to act like kids again for a little bit instead of being Important Guardians TM#Also Blue and Ink got him that sweater#Ink asked Error to make one for him and Blue insisted it had to be purple because he knows it's Dream's favourite colour#Nightmare doesn't feel temperature very much because the goop kinda insulates him but he did zip up his hoodie for appearances
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How did it go ? 👁👁
I FEEL ALIVE
#i won't say much because knowing the x is watching my tumblr is making me nervous and queazy#but all this time. all this time i thought chivalry was a fantasy#i just feel. alive. cute. giggly.#like. a woman. being courted. its so fun???#OUGH#he is very down to earth. mature. conversation endless. which is such a nice change of pace LMAO#i don't know what the future holds bc i am very set on enjoying my solitude for a while (ive NEVER lived alone in my 31 years on this earf)#only in very very short periods#and i want that more than anything else#my own schedule. my own home. mine everything.#flirting though? i can live with that. i can live with rosy cheeks and christmas markets and dinners and drinks. its. just. gah!#its lovely.#and i feel lovely. i hope he felt the same injection of joy (which it seems like- i got a very sweet text today)
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You know, I have to say as a stalwart "Veth should get a divorce" truther since at least 2021, this past episode has given me a certain renewed vindication in that opinion
#mrs veth brenatto you abnormal woman whom i love no it is NOT normal to lie about being in an open relationship#and compulsively try to have affairs and when people ask about yeza be like ''no no he's so sweet though. he's wonderful. it's just--''#woman. it's been SEVEN years. COME ON#me after the finale episode: i think veth struggles to communicate what she wants because wanting something other#than yeza feels wrong because he IS a nice guy whom she loves. unfortunately yeza is too passive to actually#bring these issues to a head himself and veth doesn't want to rock the boat either so they're going to stay like this maybe forever#me today: as i always knew. i was correct#i might post something in more depth about this later that covers more nuances but. lol. lmao even#cr spoilers#veth brenatto
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Auhgh my beloved! How I love you so,,,,💙
#pan gushes#f/o: 👑#Gonna be so real with you all and admit that I've been disassociating like most of today#I'm not going to go into detail about everything that's been going on in my life#because as I always say... It's personal and not other people's business-#but I will say that is has been hectic#overwhelming even at times#It's why I've barely even looked at my dash and haven't engaged lately with moots as much as I'd like ;v;#I promise I'm not ignoring y'all <3 Life has just been hell#If I've missed anything y'all are always welcome to let me know#but that aside#Hngnhggg by beloveeeeed!!#I love and adore him so so much...#I listened to some clips of him and it helped me feel a little grounded#My mind didn't feel so much like static amd disconnected#It was nice <3#I love my beloved so much and the thought of him being so sweet and patient of Panchi when they aren't the best mentally makes me so happy#Comforting and helping his beloved in anyt way he can <3 and Panchi doesnthe same for him!#My beloved...hehe I love calling him that so much#It feels so right
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Sketching something for Halloween and while halfway through I realized that the concept I’m drawing would’ve worked better for another f/o, but the one I’m drew so far looks good.
#idk what to do 😭#the sketch looks nice so far#like I’m planning on drawing three things for Halloween for my main f/os but ughhh#and sorry for not being very active today I wasn’t feeling very well and was resting all day#💬 chy chatter 💬
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:)
#atsushi#midoriya#izuku midoriya#mha#mha spoilers#mha fanart#atsushi nakajima#atsushi and midoriya#cause i can#technically should be studying rn#but she'll be right#probably#anyway#had this idea stuck in my head#so its on 'paper' now#:D#besides#i like the idea of midoriya and atsushi being friends#both of them are very resilient#definitely a necessary trait for most protagonists but still cool :D#mha 430#bsd 117#got caught up to the bsd manga today...#yeahhh#:')#i feel like my drawing skills have improved a lot since i started drawing this duo#which is nice#:D:D:D#anyway i need to go study-#:):):)
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Okay, if you like fromsoft games or love bloodborne/love a challenge/love horror juxtaposed against endearing whimsy, please check out Lies of P.
The part of me that couldn't stop laughing at the game's name and the concept of "Edgelord Pinnochio Bloodborne Clone" can no longer fathom thinking of the game as anything other than "AMAZING!!!!!!! SO GOOD!!!!!!!! THAT TEAM SHOULD BE SO PROUD!!!! WHAT AN ASTONISHING CREATIVE ACHIEVEMENT!!!" I already knew I was on the "i'd recommend this to anyone who likes these types of games or wants to try them" team, but now that is 10000% And even better, it has filled me with so much art inspiration after exploring its world and collecting beautifully designed costumes. The world building/world design is so, so so so very actualized and charming.
#yackin#my favorite way to describe the story/writing of this game is#that it vibes like one of those fanfics that is written by an exceptionally talented 17 year old#because it's full to the brim with nothing but earnest whimsy and heart on its sleeve cringe#as in the type of cringe that wraps back around to being endearing due to how honest it is#because the cold hard world and bitter critics haven't stomped it out of them yet#so it's a real treat to see a polished game that plays smooth as butter have that sort of story#it's shocking how good the experience is with such a tiny team#it's just nice to get to read/experience a story with great gameplay that feels very Untampered With by moneybag CEOs#it might be my favorite souls style game now#anyway hi I woke up at 3 am today
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out of all the gen z pop girlies billie eilish is my favorite. I love that she dresses like shit on purpose and I like how much it annoys people and that little song about eating a girl out is cute. she should make weirder music.
#holding out hope chappell roan gets less annoying as she gets older and releases more interesting music#i have meaner opinions about others but i feel like being nice today
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*crawls from under a rock like a bug*
#MY WEEK IS OVER#first I have to study until 8pm but then#FUCK EVERYTHING I'M DRAWING TONIGHT#I can't feel like this anymore I'm done#this semester is going to be shit but I refuse to feel like shit until june#cause then I'm not making it to june#I'd rather sleep and not wake up#FUCK THAT I'M DRAWING TODAY >:DDDDDDDD#and installing 2 new games on my modded 3ds cause being a pirate is rad asf >:·3#I guess it's cause I don't have class until next thursday but it feels nice to not be dead inside yippee!!!11!11!!!!11!#I wanna post some requests I finished but didn't have the energy to post XD#and reblog a lot of cool stuff too >:·333333333#please plague my askbox with anything if you're bored I wanna feel alive >:D
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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ran into one of my fave profs after class today and he asked me if i had an interest in pursuing philosophy and prof i gotta keep it a buck with you i was just looking at old man yaoi and i intend to do that for the rest of the evening i dont got time for that i aint built for that
#snap chats#OOPS JERLJAELKJAEVEA#thats a field for people far smarter and more articulate than me ok all im good for is thinking of goofy tomfoolery !!!#so funny i was at the library and raiding the Free Book shelf like i usually do#and i plucked a book on john locke since we were talking about him the other day. and 'laity in the middle ages' but whatever anyway#lo and behold... what a funny coincidence. was very nice talkin with him im always too awkward to talk in class#its evil when i talk because I Think This Will Surprise No One im a motormouth once i start talking i cant stop avjLAEKAJ#BUT YEAH summarizing he was just saying how i usually submitted interesting stuff and if i had an interest in pursuing it#and prof i gotta say again... im sorry... im objectifying old men later avjervlekAVJELAKVJ#maybe in another life... for now im gonna finish up a comm#i always get awkward talking to my profs i feel like im encroaching. even tho its like. normal to talk to people Who Couldve Guessed#it was funny tho cause i mentioend i lived at the dorm but i dont talk to anyone and he was like Are You Serious#my final project last class with him was literally related to me being a hermit I Cannot STress This Enough eVJLKAJA it was funny#ewww i have to watch a documentary today. or tomorrow. whichever i should probably watch it Once tonight#and then i have to do a paper on it... gross.... whatever... so is life... anyways bye everyone..
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Remind me not to post fics around my night shifts thinking I could use the pick-me-up; I am clearly way too touchy when I am sleep deprived. While I am trying to take things in the (hopefully) meant-to-be-helpful spirit of things, it is currently just not working because my mood is so low as to need a magnifying lense to be seen.
#chatter#personal rant#When people try to be helpful#it would be nice if they at least commented on the fic#gonna take a nap now#because I got in to work another night shift today#coworker asked me how I was doing#and I kinda burst into tears#so they sent me to bed#there isn’t anything to do currently#but it still feels like a personal failing#not being able to go into work and be ready for it#just to clarify#this has nothing to with the helpful comments#and everything to do with#practically getting no sleep on my last night shift#and just generally bordering depression when I am forced to be awake after midnight
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Woah, I actually feel like a person
#long story short#i just realized I've been a npc in my own life#but today I wasn't#today I had a job assessment at a pet supply store#it was literally stocking shelves the whole time#but the people there were genuinely so kind to me that I didn't feel... othered?#they didn't think my autism was strange#they didn't think my special interests were weird or boring#i could talk freely and it didn't feel like I was being subconsciously punished by myself#I felt like... a person#it just‚ felt good#i guess ive just never truly felt like a person much#between elementary school#middle school and high school#and this ongoing 4 year seclusion#i guess i just assumed that pretty much everyone irl dislikes me#but they liked me#they were nice to me#they were fun#i was a person#maybe people don't hate me?#maybe I can become MORE of a person?#maybe the seclusion is ending?#abluehappyface
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