#i feel like a coward
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Quick rant. Please ignore.
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#I'm so done#with myself tbh#i want to die#im 🤏 close to a breakdown#already cried a bit but#festival day so I'm at my grandma's again#and ✨people✨#why am i even alive#I don't even want to die because it'd break my parents' hearts#i felt kinda loved by my dad today#and.. I don't want to feel so#i wish he got mad at least then I'd feel less guilty#im just..#so fucking scared#i feel like a coward#i actually am one but#sigh what am i even doing with my life#i hope no one has the misfortune of reading this#abhi rants
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I wanna go off my antipsychotics, but I’m too scared of the consequences and people worrying about me :[[
#transseverity#rq safe#rqc🌈🍓#rq community#radqueers please interact#pro radq#radqueer#permadelusional#I feel like a coward#We try to trigger delusional episodes in ourselves but they aren’t very intense due to the meds#medication tw
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#no one reads my blog but whatever tw suicidal thoughts#im carrying so much guilt for many reasons and foreal it feels like dissapearing its the only way i wont feel so shitty#hadnt had ideations this bad in at least 4 years#but if i were to carry out my death#how do i do it so its not messy#what will my mom do -in the middle of her cancer treatment#barely processing the deatb of both her parents#what will be of my sister#she has barely been in a good emotional place ever#what will be of her if her sibling kills themself#what will be of my mesage of oh wow life is beautiful and so worth loving#how would my partner cope with me dying#he hasnt had it easy either#not even my death is mine#do i leave a mesage#it would be my one shot to tell the truth and everything else comes to the grave with me#how much do i say#i dont want it to hurt either#i could cope with cutting myself again but i dont want the pain#i feel like a coward#i wish i could sh right now but it would be noticed quickly#if i tried to cover my partner would know somethings off inmediately#and except for him i dont have anyone to talk to#i feel so incredibely lonely sometimes#no money for therapy either#i wish i could have some drug to sleep for a couple of weeks or similar#so i could get some relief#but i have to be careful with drugs as i hate puking
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so desperate for attention but don't know how to deal with it
#fear doesnt make you a coward but it sure does make you feel like one#i feel like a coward#coward#yeah.#what#what?#expresso the depresso#hate myself
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I know low - extreme ride intensity is all pretty subjective so just answer however related to however you feel about it! 🎢
(And feel free to put your number and additional thoughts in the tags if you're curious about your mutuals' amusement park thoughts 👀)
#amusement park#roller coasters#thrill rides#I was thinking about this with fam and curious what people's preferences tend to lean toward!#I have been working at Canada's Wonderland for the halloween haunt this year and staring at coasters a lot#I know this isn't a perfectly comprehensive scale but!#feel free to clarify in the tags too if u wanna#I am at a 3#But I would generally consider myself an amusement park coward#The drop zone is so scary#but i like being spun around in a centrifuge#🎢
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Learn from who? Learn from you?
Chen Bowen as CHEN YI & Chiang Tien as AI DI KISEKI: DEAR TO ME (2023)
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#pdribs#userspicy#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#uh huh. mmhm. parallels and shit#OK LIKE. in nice words ai di essentially tells chen yi to go for it BUT bc hes a Lil Shit he says it like 'use force to PROVE how you feel.#followed by '.....OH WAIT YOU CANT BEAT HIM'. the way he rubs that in chen yi's face too like it isnt even 'youre weaker than him.'#it's you're LOWER than him. & thats why ai di calls him a coward bc therell always be a divide between chen yi & cdy that chen yi wont cros#and the point of this is - okay i know chen yi is literally picking ai di up and throwing him around here but also you have to remember#ai di LETS HIM. ai di doesnt fight back as hard as he could and that puts them on EVEN. EQUAL. GROUND. every time.#& yeah theres some comedy to it but you cant Ever forget that ai di wants chen yi to want him. needs it. he's faking sleep in the 1st scene#and once chen yi realizes what he wants he puts everything he has into keeping it - inadvertently taking ai di's advice by doing so -#& expresses it in every kind of way too. whatever it takes. bc between the two of them its not just 'bring him back' it's 'bring him HOME'#in a way thats based on the constantly being witness to the worst of each other & choosing it AND. years and layers of trust & love.#..ok only I would take a gifset of chen yi picking ai di up & make it abt how their relationship is perfectly balanced. but im right so idc#the last one ties it all together in my onion. chen yi got him home. and ai di's deliberately allowing himself to be loved. they won
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lacking courage [id in alt]
#zukka#zukka fanart#sokka#zuko#zuko fanart#atla fanart#YES sokka he did ask you out here for a particular reason. what you think zuko likes being in the snow? NO he likes seeing you smile becaus#the snow reminds you of home and when you smile he gets this feeling in his chest that he can't quite deal with#and he was going to TELL YOU but he got scared. coward#can you tell i did this start to finish in one night for normal reasons
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to the holes in my butterfly wings
#im a coward bc i couldnt see it unfold in real time :) once i saw the press release 40 mins before it went live i logged out of everything#its really hard to articulate how any of this feels because 15 year old kate lives in 22 year old kate's body#and shes been attached to that lovely fucking idiot for all her formative years#its like a part of my childhood just faded away overnight; just out of reach#its like when Roger Federer left they just dont tell you how devastating sports can be#the anger will come and it will be of the biblical variety#but for now im scared 22 yr old Kate and 15 yr old Kate cant console eachother#anyway i made this on the roadtrip back home. he means so much to me. always always. always.#f1#daniel ricciardo
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the only thing in lobcorp that lags my screen
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#created to die. my apologies...#white night#im genuinely unsure how to even start w this one. tagging wise. i guess spoilers if you dont know what happens w plauge doctor#would rhat count? would it? i feel like im losing my marbles w this guy#i should probablt be using the pjm tag but im a coward. funny haha face the fear. one day#i acruallt think the abbreviation is just pm. dont knkwbwhy i added the j
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late night visits
#ensemble stars#natsumugi#natsume sakasaki#tsumugi aoba#this is uhm......well *shrugs*#but if i have to say something→ the one thing that appeals me about these two is the longing#afraid to love and aware that they yearn and AWARE something is there but they are cowards to make the first step#either bc they don't believe they deserve it or don't want to get attached so you get this insane tension and slowburn#positive these two will cry during and after sex (/pos)#ANYWAYS listen to cariño and no one noticed by the marias#those songs feel so much like them to me#enstars#art tag
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"Who'd you fall for this time? I'll help out."
“────This is why I fell in love with you.”
#aceyuu#twisted wonderland#ace trappola#ace trappola x yuu#twst#disney twst#twst ace#nyuudle#oc x canon#twst oc#twst yuu#my art#2022#pupheart#screencap drawing lol... i love redrawing stuff with aceyuu its addicting :/#but this was in 2022! super old! just uploading all my twst stuff HAHAHAHA#but this song is SOOOOOOOOOOO aceyuu dont even play with me#ace with my yuu is kind of like. insecure. yuu is so nice and so caring and hes just. normal.#he's not self deprecating until he has feelings for yuu THEN he gets upset about his stupid feelings interfering with his confidence#never really expects yuu to reciprocate back and even if it makes him a coward he doesnt really tell yuu cuz hes a complicated teenager
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i wish that 1. it was more of common knowledge that jason’s death marks a huge shift in tone of gotham-centric stories 2. dc also capitalised on this meta in their storytelling.
i want to see flashbacks that imitate the cheesy and sweet style of silver age nostalgia (one that we know from barr’s detective comics run for example). jay should have the iconic original robin costume (i don’t care that it’s silly, it’s supposed to be silly), and he should be cracking up jokes that made sense only in the 80s. and there should be scenes of him and batman (batman who used to smile at him openly) investigating in daylight.
cut to panels of dark, gritty gotham that have dominated contemporary stories. military boots in place of the pixie ones. blood on jason’s hands.
the contrast.
#i want to make it clear that i’m aware that jay’s robin run was happening as the trend has already started#and he was a victim of it also.#but many editors and writers talk of his death as the most prominent moment#anyway i talked ab it so many times and i will not stop.#also i feel like utrh (the movie) kinda *tried* to venture on this territory but they were too much of cowards to make it stand out#dc#jay.zip#jay.txt#core texts
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#Happy birthday Deltarune the greatest game of all time#deltarune#deltarune chapter 1#utdr#apolocheese for the shit quality btw I could only find the original in awful quality and I'm not just gonna use an edit like a coward#a group of individuals known as entropy do the act of expressing their feelings with words#swearing//
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Spring Unsprung has always been my favourite of the eah specials and it is fully because of the tipsy turvy curse lol
#like they put a canon villain au in the show!!#love when that happens lol#but really is it any surprise I like villain au’s now when the things I watched growing up always did stuff like this#plus everyone loves evil Apple#but I feel like ashylnn and hunter and an under rated part of the special lol#it’s such a shame we didn’t get to see Lizzie interact with daring in this special#ever after high#remaking the backgrounds took a while but was fun!#ever after high art#eah#eah fanart#eah art#spring unsprung#topsy turvy curse#evil apple white#ashlynn ella#evil ashlynn Ella#hunter huntsman#evil hunter huntsman#coward charming#daring charming#lizzie hearts#eah apple#eah ashlynn#eah hunter#eah daring charming#eah lizzie
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I think that this was the first time one of my posts truly broke containment which was horrible, anyway here is the original version I made a million years ago, Karkat actually gets to hold the honorable fujoshi title because he would the end.
#homestuck#homestuck meme#karkat vantas#vriska serket#kanaya maryam#terezi pyrope#eughhhh I feel so sick#I had a terrible day at school and then there was just too much notifications#I saw some of the additions are the ones from my mutuals were funny and nice but the ones from strangers stressed me out#which is unreasonable cause like#I posted it on the internet what did I expect?#turned reblogs back on ten minutes after turning them off because I hate to be a coward#screams
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original thief series basso & garrett :)
ngl, it's about quality over quantity for me. an npc can have a total of three minutes of screen time, but if they have a cool name, they can live rent free in my head and I'll spend several hours trying to decipher drawable features from a blurry screenshot of pixels
there is a vague hint of a story here, and that's because every time I try to play thi4f, I get incredibly frustrated with how Not Fun the game play is. like, is the story good? well. but it has a PLAGUE. that should've given it instant 'I'll replay this once a year' status in my heart, but the game play sucks so bad that I've never finished it. I can't believe Not Fun gameplay beat out my obsession with narrative plagues.
anyway, the idea is basically if the original era had a game with a plague centric narrative and some other stuff I liked out of thi4f thrown into a narrative blender, with a heavy dash of horror thrown in because some parts of the thief games were scarier to me than entire dedicated horror genre games.
⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app
#if i had a laptop and the skillset i would attempt a story mod because the thief modders who create whole mission stories#are GENIUS and also somewhat terrifying. love them! xoxox#anyway im actually kind of obsessed with parts of thi4f but its also like. not at that sweet spot of almost good enough to be fun#to talk about. which. for the record. has not stopped me from talking about it at length to people#the city itself actually fucking fascinates me. its almost alive and im SO mad that not a single part of that game is actually terrifying#it should be gnarlier and instead it feels a bit like it doesn't quite want to be trapped in the story it has to tell?#but between the level that has the bodies on the meathooks#and the scene with the bodies hanging from the rafters or whatever that was and garrett living in a clock tower#because the game is very much ALMOST about changing times and authoritarian violence and capitalism#(like. by virtue of how the story sort of spins out i think it misses it's mark on a lot of stuff here#in the sense that i dont feel like it actually wants to tell that story. it wants to. go in a different direction. or at least walk on top#of those themes instead of through it)#ANYWAY between all of those things. it does kind of live in my head rent free. they did create a compelling setting#SHAME THEY DIDNT WANT TO ACTUALLY EAT ANY OF IT#unrelated but i would've given thi4f a 10/10 if they kept garrett's fucking nail polish from the concept art. cowards. unforgivable#thief the dark project#i still have no idea how to tag the game series as a whole RIP#sorry for the dedicated dark project fans. if you know what the general series tag is. please let me know#garrett thief#basso thief
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