#basso thief

[katabay]

original thief series basso & garrett :)

ngl, it's about quality over quantity for me. an npc can have a total of three minutes of screen time, but if they have a cool name, they can live rent free in my head and I'll spend several hours trying to decipher drawable features from a blurry screenshot of pixels

there is a vague hint of a story here, and that's because every time I try to play thi4f, I get incredibly frustrated with how Not Fun the game play is. like, is the story good? well. but it has a PLAGUE. that should've given it instant 'I'll replay this once a year' status in my heart, but the game play sucks so bad that I've never finished it. I can't believe Not Fun gameplay beat out my obsession with narrative plagues.

anyway, the idea is basically if the original era had a game with a plague centric narrative and some other stuff I liked out of thi4f thrown into a narrative blender, with a heavy dash of horror thrown in because some parts of the thief games were scarier to me than entire dedicated horror genre games.

⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app

[fr00tb0wl]

Been a slow week for art, so have some pieces that have been in the works for a while (AKA: MORE character sheets for the funni Thief AU)

[jeanivere]

dont like boats and cant row for shit ik this white boy never around water enough to know how to swim LOL

[balamist]

Thief 2 Gold when

[kenaigamesgallantly]

I wish Basso and the merchant in Siren's Rest a very SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO RECORD GARRETT'S VOICE.

[nightingaletrash]

I made one joke comparison between the Ocean House and Moira Aslyum and now I'm thinking about vtm x thief...

Garrett Jr is a Toreador. He's the least and most Toreador to ever Toreador because he's no social butterfly and doesn't take the best care of his own appearance, but his gear and armour are masterpieces and he craves all manners of beautiful things to stash away in his haven. He's also got that sense of Humanity often associated with Toreadors - he dislikes needless killing and prefers to keep his harm either temporary (such as knock outs) or indirect (via stealing). His disciplines would be Celerity and Auspex.

On the flip side of that, Garrett Sr is a Nosferatu. He can appreciate the value of a piece, but cares nothing for hanging onto it. He's just out to cover his rent and have a good time. If he has a thing against killing, it's for convenience's sake and professionalism rather than any concern for humanity. He just wants to be left alone. His disciplines are Obfuscate and Potence, though he put a point into Animalism during his alliance with Viktoria.

Erin fits the temperamental Brujah mold pretty well. She's impulsive, angry, defaults to violence and killing even when there are other options, and she's very passionate. She feels very strongly and very deeply, especially when it comes to the people she cares about. Unfortunately her anger makes it easy for those feelings to provoke strong reactions from her, for good or ill. She's got the good old one-two punch of Celerity and Potence, and puts some points into Presence later on.

The Queen of Beggars feels like a Malkavian to me; her cryptic phrasing, withholding of information, apparent ability to disappear/teleport at will, supposed power to see through the eyes of the beggars and rats, and her overall role in the story fits Malkavian pretty well. Her title feels like it'd be some kind of jab at the Ventrue. Auspex and Obfuscate are her preferred combo.

I think Basso is a Nossie; he's an information gatherer, the guy who gives out the jobs and lets others get on with it. His partnership with Garrett is novel considering that a Nosferatu and Toreador are usually at each others throats, but they make for a good team when it comes to thieving. He's got Obfuscate and Animalism, with Jenivere being his famalus.

[commanderauri-art]

Really need to hop back onto my Thief fic. This would take place after Garrett basically returns from the dead. Elizabeth starts to hear rumors that the thief has returned and were further confirmed by Basso. She decides then to visit the clock tower and see for herself. There are so many individual scenes that I want to write! I may just end up doing that and then connecting the dots later.

Pose credit -> @adorkastock

[taocc-updates]

”Oh, you like Taocc? Name every character.”

BET.

edit: I added the vague number of total characters listed. We’re at about 270, and I’m still adding characters.

(*By technicality

**formerly/no longer active/no longer acknowledged by the narrative as existing

***exist as of like ten seconds ago

I will only be including characters recognized as part of Taocc by more than one person. Characters will be vaguely grouped together however the frick I feel like and with only the vague suggestion of transitions. A character must have a tangible role that still has effects at the time of posting to be counted. I’m not counting all the deactivated characters from OG Taocc, for example. I am referencing the updates blog list as well as my following for this, because the challenge is to name them all, not to name them all by memory. Animals barely count sometimes when I feel like it.)

Gangle, Ragatha**, Pomni**, Kinger**, Zooble**, Caine*, Bubble**, S-Gangle, Shadow, Kaufmo, Sproingle, Unnamed Abtractions*, Easton West, Northa West, Lonn Gitud, Lattia Tudor, Felicia, Caleb, Zachariah Woods, Zombie anon, Simon Mallory/Silhouette/Aleksander, Isaac Brennan/Mix, Elida Doyle, Alice Mallory, Nikolai Harrison/Carbine, Artemis/Kepler, Calamity/Cassandra, Remnant, Sami Harrison, Yelena, Daniel, Artem, Charles/Plague Doctor Anon, Dialtone/Drias, Ilas/Amalgam, Trevor***, Archie***, Abigail***, Stella***, Paisley***, Espresso the Cat, Edward/Pharaoh, Abayomi, Clown Anon, Colorbine, Helpful Anon, Waffle Anon, Sparkler Anon, Kumo, Kopi, Violet, Stitch, Chance, Nightmare, Arthur Pendragon, Verie Pendragon, Mercutio, Juliet/Assassin Anon, Aokigahara, Dunite, Rocky, Rusty, Ryan, Dunite’s Parents, Deedee, Usagi/Usa, Icia/Ice anon, Fred, Odette/Odysseys, Samuel, Mytha, Celio, Basso, Vaga, Nova, Hexe, Slynn, Yume, Yume’s Mother and Father, the Protector, Ramona/Rae, Mirobelle, Ramiro, Achilles, Dime, Aklatan, Latte, Alexander (kingdom edition), Mocha, Switchboard, Ace Zeppelin, Damsel, Levi, Nathan, Myau, Nya, Mynou, Dusk, Jessy, Amelia, Jessy’s mother, Fynn, Joy, Ciana, Apollo, Virgo, Aster, Lance, Raina, Flare, Citrina, Citrina’s sisters (the only named one is “Jade”), Nymn, Nymn’s ex, Fae anon, Clara, Chip, Alpen, Unnamed Zodiac Angels, Kade, Feris, Pixel, Vanessa, Unnamed Arcade Worker 2/Mike, Conny, Shairo (deceased permanently), Hans, “John Smith”, Gun Pirate (lol), Unnamed Drunk Pirate, Unnamed Jar Lady, Unnamed third pirate with a gun, Dalia, Mikey, Anderson, Toga, Abstraction Anon, Quin, Blaze (Squiffer edition)/Zephyr, Skeleton anon, Mage Anon/Tanya, Camara, Avian, Sign Anon/Steven, Origami Anon/Octavia, Tea Anon/Kitsune/Katrina, Simon (Bookend), Seer anon/Sarah, Umbra, Arrows anon, Bow Anon, (Other) Bow Anon, Hex, Sun, Moon*, Sigil, Insanity, Dusty, Lantern/Eternal Flame, Eternity, Darkis, Infinity, Entity, Ember, Unknown, Juko, Lilo, Bob, Hammer, Mallet, Fox anon, Teleporting anon, Nuffle, Pyxel, Thanatos, Tiger, Siam, Sabrina (Sun’s daughter), Taika, Sisu, Quest, Tip, Stranger, Radio, Shelly, Astrion, Gaia, Aella, Electricity anon, Conspiracy anon, Bap Anon, Eve.chr, Phoenix*, The Dragon of Abyss, The Dragoness of Sky, Lemonade/Lewis, Reverie/Guidance anon, Unnamed Autumn Season, Unnamed Winter Season, Neb, Cardlan, Minimi, Entity (Backrooms edition), Casper, Manna, Pamela, Eden*, Grif, Trudy, Pen, Paper, Sophronius, Acacius, Milo, Drunk anon (deceased), Scissors anon, Thief Anon, Void anon, Cupcake anon, Chaos Enjoyer Anon, Thyme, Angst anon, villain anon, “Lucy”, Simp anon, Comax, Pickle gifter anon, pickle stealer anon, fish anon, deus ex machinanon, mail anon, foundation anon, lost anon, dropkick anon, Bug anon, Paranoia Anon, Rocket launcher anon, Kyubey, Mimic, Rodger, Ludvic, sunshine anon, anger anon, Frazzle, Wade, Loyal anon, Loyal Servant anon, the cookie run cookies lol, Felicia (top hat edition), Tophat, Greenie, Red(?), The Polygon Bees (TM), Eepy anon, Ethan, Dark, Void/Ollie, DJ, Star, Mercury/Marcus, Elysia/Evangeline Elizabeth Ambrosia, Blaze (Planetquest edition)/Brandon, Jasper, Callista/Leilani, Ursula, Ari, Lumiel/Lark, uhhh…I think that’s it

did I do it do I freaking win

Someone please count how many characters there are (there should be one comma per character if that helps)

Edit: Nevermind, I did it for you.

This is a vague number, the actual number is higher than this, maybe about 270-300

[supervillain-smut]

Enemies to Lovers - Garrett x Fem! Thief! Reader Smut

Listen... Enemies to lovers Garrett just... Wouldn't leave me alone, especially not the way he growled at Orion to tell him where Basso was, so. This. Enjoy!

You ran as fast as your legs would carry you over the rooftops. You and Garrett had been after the same treasure, but luck simply wasn’t on his side. Guards, broken glass, and unfortunate light placements all tipped the scales in your favor, and he was pissed. 

You had been warring back and forth for weeks now, outdoing the other back and forth, trying to prove who the better thief was, only to tie again and again. His score would go up, you’d match it, vice versa. It started as a friendly competition; just two thieves sharing a city, and Garrett’s ego as the reigning champion, undefeated until you showed up. When you started proving your mettle, Garrett became more competitive. 

You dipped and weaved, Garrett in hot pursuit behind you; you could hear him gaining behind you; you may have been more agile and flexible, but Garrett was faster and stronger. You made an error as you slipped on the roof tiles, slick from the rain, and crashed into a chimney wall, Garrett immediately pinning you against it. The chimney was overshadowed by another, taller chimney, creating an obscure alley on the rooftops. Garrett looked around and noticed this fact, and his eyes held the most sadistic pleasure in them. 

“No lying to the guards and wriggling out of it this time. Where is it? Where is the golden dragon claw?!” Garrett growled, his face so close you could see his eyes clearly and your noses nearly brushed. Your fear upon being captured swiftly dwindled as Garrett spoke. 

“You’re going to have to search me, now, aren’t you? Can’t do that with one hand, can you?” You cocked an eyebrow, challenging him to try; you’d just slip out of his grip. Your confidence quickly disappeared as he gathered both of your wrists in one hand, pinning them above your head, and his lips grazed your ear under his cloth mask as he used his body to keep yours pinned to the wall. 

“Hm, not so confident now, are you? Where could all that cockiness have gone? Swallowed by the shadow of the better thief? The master?” Garrett spoke as his hand wandered all over your body, searching for the claw. It was difficult to keep that fire inside you one of anger, rather than lust. When he couldn’t find what he sought, he pulled back to stare deep into your eyes; they were full of mischief. “Mm. Still as stubborn as ever, I see. I think I have a pretty good idea where you stashed it. Think that’ll keep me from it, hm?” His fingers wound themselves in your corset’s strings as he spoke, and what should have been fear, now replaced by lust, raced in anticipation, your pupils blown wide, and your eyes half-lidded, betraying your feelings on the situation. 

Garrett scoffed, looking you up and down before speaking. “You’re enjoying this.” You nodded, unable to deny the truth, not even to yourself, unable to hide the smirk on your face. Garrett huffed an unenthused laugh as he swiftly pulled your corset loose and swiped the golden claw from between your breasts with ease before suddenly letting you go and walking away. You felt cheated, and in your feelings, you decided to throw an insult his way as one final jab before you’d inevitably cross paths again. 

“I’d be willing to bet gold your hands aren’t as good as you claim they are. You’ve never pleasured a woman, have you?!” You shouted after him, turning your attention away from him only for a moment to attempt to lace your corset back up before you heard a clanking sound and Garrett’s body was back on yours, his knee sliding between your legs, resting you comfortably on his thigh as he yanked your mask off, staring you in the eyes intensely, pulling his own mask down. Your gaze flickered from his eyes to his lips, debating on closing the gap; he was gorgeous. You can’t believe you’ve been fighting with him instead of-- 

“Fuck it.” Garrett muttered before he crashed his lips onto yours. You immediately brought your hand to the back of his neck, deepening the kiss and wrapping a leg around his waist, to which Garrett immediately brought a hand to hold your leg in place, locking under your knee and pressing himself harder into you, groaning into the kiss. He grabbed you by your waist and lifted you, giving you more leverage to wrap your legs around his waist as he ground into you, bringing his mouth to your neck. 

“Fuck! Garrett!” You cried out as he bit your shoulder, his arms enveloping you as he wrapped them around your torso, and before you knew it, he had undone your corset and leant back briefly to remove it and drop it on the roof next to you. You were stunned for a moment at his dexterous hands, before smirking and catching on to the game. You closed the gap and began rolling your hips into him as he moaned into your neck; you could feel him through his leathers under you. 

You brought your hands to his back and returned the favor of freeing him of his cuirass. You could feel him smirk against your neck. “Good. But I still felt that.” “Oh? Damn. How about this?” You responded by bringing your hand between you and palmed him. His knees nearly buckled as he gasped and began grinding hard into your hand. “That’s it. You can admit my hands are better later.” You let your lips brush his ear as you spoke, and quickly had to stifle a moan, choking as Garrett’s hands delved into your pants, immediately rubbing tight circles onto your clit. “We’ll see about that, but I extend the same courtesy to you. Whenever you’re ready.” 

You followed Garrett’s example, dipping your hand into his pants, running your thumb over his slit, making him moan and thrust into your hand as he dipped a finger into your core. You stroked him at a steady pace, your thumb never ceasing to rub along his sensitive cockhead, and his thumb never leaving your clit as two fingers steadily pumped and curled inside of you. You competed to hold out the longest for minutes, but you couldn’t take it anymore; he was driving you insane, meanwhile he barely broke a sweat. 

“Fuck! Garrett, I give in! Please fuck me!” You whined and braced your hand previously down his pants on his shoulder, and realized it was slick with pre-cum; he had been getting close. Damn. He was all too happy to oblige, immediately setting you down and sliding his fingers out of you, only to bring them to his mouth, sucking them clean with a groan. “Hm. I hope we meet again under similar circumstances, if you decide to grace me with this side of you again. You taste amazing.” He muttered as he freed his aching cock and sliding your pants down to your ankles, rubbing his cock over your folds once, twice, before sliding himself slowly and carefully into you. 

You lolled your head back, resting it against the wall behind you as you allowed yourself to moan freely; no one was going to find you up here even if they heard you, and being so close to the House of Blossoms, the sounds were not uncommon. Garrett glanced around in brief alarm before realizing the same thing and burying his face in your neck, his lips grazing the shell of your ear as he let himself make noise, groaning loudly as he continued to push into you, your legs locked around his waist as you pulled him impossibly closer to you, wrapping an arm around him and bringing the other to the back of his neck. 

He allowed you a few moments to bask in the feeling of him so deep inside of you before he began thrusting harshly into you. “Fuck...” Garrett groaned as he wrapped his arms around you, leaving nearly zero space between you two as he fucked you hard. “Ngh! R-remember when I... Ah! When I beat you to the countess’ prize ooooh! Opal necklace?” You groaned into his ear, and your pride swelled as he hammered even harder into you, using his anger and frustration to fuck you. You could feel that coil winding, threatening to snap, and you did nothing to hold back, all stubbornness and competitiveness left you the moment two became one. You cried out as you came all over his cock, and Garrett was moaning like one of the brothel whores as he was nearing his own end. 

You were half-way to another orgasm before Garrett let out a particularly loud moan as he pulled out of you before he came, and you reached down to stroke him to completion, Garrett hacking as your thumb ran over his tip as he moaned over and over as he came onto the wall behind you. You both took a moment to catch your breath before he set you down, ensuring you weren’t going to buckle before letting your forearm go and cleaning up his cuirass and fixing his appearance; he looked like nothing had happened, meanwhile you looked like a wreck. 

“I could go for another round, you know?” Garrett scoffed at your eagerness. “That’s nice. You’ll have to work for it, though, rookie.” He smirked at you as he scooped up the claw and took off. You huffed in annoyance and laughed as you turned to go your own way, thinking of ways to get him back. 

[umbra-borealis]

I'm not saying self shipping or oc x canon is bad not at all, but I will call out the Thief community on its lack of gay stuff which I find funny and odd cause out of all things out there Thief feels incredibly fruity to me. Yall ever rescue your homies from a burning building? Yall show me that and expect me to be normal about that? You expect me to NOT assume Garrett is a lil fruity with Basso? Cmon.

Not even a little bit of the forbidden relationship trope with a watchman or something? Shit am I the only one who has lore to justify this man being trans? man you guys are lucky I can't draw humans for shit because of all the queer bullshit I would introduce to the tags.

[katabay]

thief babyyyyyy

some of these are a follow up to the last thief post I made (the bottom comic is a day after the basso breaks garrett out of jail scene) but the rest of it is just. thoughts. ideas. the clock tower and the immediate snaps of change and slower but equally inevitable turn of events. aughhhh

⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app / tip jar!

[blackjackkent]

As the last of the Sharran animated armors falls into a clattering pile on the marble floor, the door at the far end of the room slides open.

Rakha squints at the enormous, hulking undead monstrosity that stands within; it squints back at her appraisingly for a moment. Then it steps aside and lets her pass into the room.

At once she feels another shiver of muted recognition. This is another laboratory - like the one she saw beneath the House of Healing, or in the tangled memories which the noblestalk conjured in her mind. This one is a little different than the others, though; it smells of blood and death, yes, but also something more sterile and clinical. Embalming fluid, she knows instinctively.

The hulking undead ogre stands in one corner. Several other smaller undead march up and down, scurrying about at the orders of the man at the center - a stocky robed figure. It is the man from the vision, the man who was controlling the skeletons outside - his scarified face is unmistakable. His face and chest, bare under the robe, are smeared with blood. Before him lies the half-dismembered form of another skeleton.

He looks up as Rakha comes to a halt in front of him, and smiles coolly.

"Finally, we can talk face to face," he says. He has a deep basso growl that was somewhat masked in the communication through the skeleton outside, and he sounds oddly pleasant, as if they are conversing on a random street corner and not in the depths of a Sharran temple, surrounded by zombies. "Not just any True Soul would have succeeded in following my path through this place," he goes on conversationally. "You should be pleased."

Rakha frowns. "Balthazar, I presume," she says slowly. As always on meeting a new face, the beast stirs in her head - but it is cautious here, wary of striking. And Rakha herself is wary too.

If he does know her, he seems to have lost interest in that fact almost immediately; the flash of recognition is nowhere to be found now. He will not provide her the answers she seeks - at least not without coercion. But this is the man Z'rell sent her to find, which means helping him will lead her to the Nightsong, the artifact that is the barrier to Ketheric's mortality. She does not want him dead - yet.

Once he has served his purpose, she will drag what he knows from him and then end him with the others, for the hand he had in the worm in her head.

"Z'rell sent me," she says, calm and flat and noncommittal. "She thinks you're in danger of failing your master."

For a moment, deep anger flashes through Balthazar's face. "General Thorm...?" Then his expression smooths over, replaced again with that casual smile. "Rubbish. Everything is at hand here. Z'rell merely envies the General's faith in me. I am in the midst of a grand strategy."

He grunts thoughtfully and looks Rakha up and down for a moment. "But you're here now, and I may be able to put those limbs to work." His eyes narrow. "You know what's at stake here, I take it?"

Rakha considers several possible answers before settling on the one most directly connected to her immediate goal. "Z'rell spoke of a relic," she says. "In your notes, you called it the Nightsong. They were... interesting."(*)

Again that flare of rage - more potent this time. "Interesting and private," Balthazar snarls. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my creations kill you right now, thief."

Behind her back, one of Rakha's fists clenches, readying a bolt of fire in her palm, but she stands her ground and looks back at him coolly. "I had Z'rell's permission,"(*) she says.

Balthazar hisses out an irritated breath. "Z'rell exceeds her authority," he growls. "But fine - I'll overlook your transgressions this time. There are much grander things at stake."

He rocks back on his heels and his eyes half-close; his voice softens with a sudden lyrical satisfaction. "The Nightsong is my finest creation. If I never exceed myself, I will still die happy." His eyes flick open again and his voice hardens back into a disdainful snap. "Not that I ever intend to do something as gauche as truly dying, of course."

He looks her over again, then her companions. "Now, given your prying nature," he says - suddenly all business, "I have work for you as a scout. The Nightsong lends the General his strength, his invulnerability. It must be recovered before his enemies attempt to exploit it."

Rakha allows herself a moment of satisfaction at the knowledge that she is, in fact, one of those enemies, and will take great pleasure in exploiting the Nightsong with every scrap of skill she possesses. But her face shows none of this.

"You need my help?" she says calmly.

"I do not need you or your help," Balthazar sneers, a trifle defensively. "But you are here in spite of that, so I may as well make use of you." He jerks his head to indicate the door behind her. "The Nightsong is close, but the way is barred and Shar's dead are... uncooperative. Clear the path for me - by blade, cunning, or whatever it takes. I will remain here until you have succeeded, or fallen."

Rakha smiles very faintly. The facts of the situation are obvious - Balthazar has lost control of this relic to the Sharran forces that still inhabit this place. He needs to recover it before Thorm finds out. This explains both his defensiveness and his urgency.

It also, though, means that his urgency is now also Rakha's - it does her no good if the Sharran forces get ahold of the Nightsong either. They need to find the relic so that they can use it against Ketheric; it can't be allowed to slip out of reach.

Shadowheart seems to be thinking along the same lines. "I'd trust this gasbag about as far as I can throw him," she murmurs, only audible through the tadpole connection that binds them. "Which isn't far. But perhaps better to play along for now."

Rakha nods almost imperceptibly, never turning her eyes from Balthazar. "I'll see what I can do," she says.

(A/N: Amusingly, Shadowheart immediately disapproves here even though SHE JUST TOLD ME TO GO ALONG WITH IT. Wyll also disapproves. Look, there's a plan guys, okay? Just stick with the plan. Apparently Wyll actually approves if you go straight to combat with Balthazar here, making this one of the few scenarios where he would prefer Rakha to go beast-mode and she is the one doing otherwise.)

Balthazar smiles coldly. "Do not fail me," he says, idly returning to work on the half-built corpse lying in front of him. "If you do... you'll join the ranks of my creations and be forced to try again."

-----

(*) Shortened these lines slightly to be more in keeping with Rakha's speech pattern.

[haethel]

AO3 First Lines

Taking the open invitation from @kalira

Rules: post the first lines of your 10 most recently published ao3 stories (if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics).

Petty Larceny (Thief 2014; Garrett & Erin) Usually it was Erin who arrived first at Basso's the night after a job.

Equinox (Thief 2014; Garrett) He wouldn't go so far to say it was his favourite season, but those weeks around the autumn Equinox had much to recommend them.

Caducus (Thief 2014; Garrett & Erin) Screams woke him.

Fighting the Last War (Thief 2014; Garrett/Adrian(OC)) The fire basket had smouldered to ashes but there was just enough residual heat to drive the chill from his hands.

Perception (Thief 2014; Garrett/Orion) He'd done all he could for him, but it was only a matter of time before the youth succumbed to the Gloom.

Extracurricular Activities (Thief Original Series; Keeper Logan/Keeper Granger) Keeper Logan traced the glyphs on the yellowing page with an ink stained finger.

A Lesson in Lockpicks (Thief 2014; Garrett & Erin) Blackfurrow was almost deserted this far past midnight.

[edireviews]

Segue minha breve análise de Thief para XBox One!

[nightingaletrash]

Basso: no one told me so I'm gonna tell you, but the worst part about getting old is needing to piss fifteen times a night

Me: ...you tell all your thieves about your pissing habits or is Garrett just special?

[adamwatchesmovies]

Slender Man (2018)

I’ll believe in magic wands and dragons before believing anyone would find 2018’s Slender Man scary. Based on the creepypasta internet meme (which generates as much confidence as the inspiration for The Emoji Movie), the film’s characters are so dumb you’ll be cheering for the supernatural entity to take them down. You'll grow cobwebs waiting. Even at 98 minutes, this thinly plotted film feels padded.

Best friends Wren (Joey King), Hallie (Julia Goldani Telles), Chloe (Jaz Sinclair) and Katie (Annalise Basso) playfully research “Slender Man”, a forest-dwelling supernatural creature whose appearance resembles a faceless man in a black suit, and is reported to steal children. After a forum-posted video begins to cause nightmares and other discomforts, they suspect there's some truth behind the internet legend.

I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I know Slender Man is a popular character among those too young to read horror novels but the character is not frightening. Firstly, it’s badly designed. It’s a faceless, thin man in a suit with a red tie… and tentacles coming out of its back! While the idea of it invading your psyche is frightening, we’ve seen that before. It was lame two years before when we were subjected to The Bye Bye Man. In 2018, 9 years after the creature’s popularization through the internet? Slender Man isn’t spooky at all. Secondly, even if it was the stuff of nightmares, the special effects that bring it to life are so awful there’s no way you can take them seriously. Third- and most importantly - the people we see trying to escape from it are so impossibly stupid you can’t relate to them, which means you can’t picture yourself as one of Slender Man’s victims. It's a death knell for any horror film.

Before you protest with a “But aren’t all characters in movies forced to make certain dumb moves for the plot to kick off?” understand that I’m not calling them dimmer than a dead lightbulb under two meters of garbage because they choose to “invoke” Slender Man through his internet video (a video that has an uncanny resemblance to the one we saw in The Ring). What I mean is that the four young women who find themselves haunted by visions of the apparition can’t decide whether they’re afraid or not. After Katie vanishes, her friends become convinced Slender Man is responsible - convinced enough to sneak out of their houses in the middle of the night and bring their most precious belongings as tributes to the child-thief. Chloe tears the only photo she has of herself with her deceased father. It's proof she’s taking this seriously but that doesn’t stop her from disregarding all of the instructions once the ritual begins. Then, when Slender Man begins live-streaming itself breaking into her home, she doesn’t even attempt to run away. She doesn’t even try to lock the door. She doesn’t even try to close the door! All she does is stare at the POV shot coming closer and closer to her, as if thinking “I can’t wait to see where this is going!”

I’m going to zone in on that Ring-style video as a clear-cut sign that this movie was made for the name recognition alone. It might've even been a "find-replace" script. We see “spooky” black-and-white imagery of abstract things, including an all-seeing eye. It doesn’t offer any clues on how to proceed, what Slender Man wants, how to beat it, or anything. The images we see certainly have nothing to do with the horrendously rendered nightmares of Wren giving birth to Slender Man’s baby. It’s just stuff thrown at the screen to kill time.

Directed by Sylvain White, written by David Birke and all thanks to Screen Gems, Slender Man is so inept you’d think it would at the very least be ironically entertaining. It isn’t. For the briefest moment, we get a glimpse of what makes Wren, Hallie, Chloe and Katie tick; a few minutes where they speak and act like real teenage girls. Afterward, you don’t learn a thing about them. They become dull slabs of meat for the monster to make disappear. It’s impossible to care about what’s happening, which means Slender Man will have you bored out of your skull. (January 7, 2022)