#i feel like 2019 when i didnt eat for 3 months and had to be in the hospital

[clovenhoofedjester]

jellicle lineups; part 3/4

LETS GO PEOPLE!! LETS GO !! sorry for taking so long to get around to this one !

demeter | 🔒 🍰 🌇

DEETER

ive seen a lot of complaints about demeters design being toned down over the years so i decided to bring some of the bolder design choices back for mine. mullet demeter is REAL now ! honestly i couldve done more w/ their makeup but shhh its ok....

i tried to push the gold in their design by making the eyeshadow really obvious and giving them gold lips. enjoy their lacy dress too... i tried to design something which they could dance comfortably in

demeters newer 3 words (nervous, sensual, secretive) mean everything to me. love them so much. i think theyd be 29 in human years

bombalurina | 🌹 🍓 🛼

so i totally based her hair on that concept art for drag queen bomba. the bob is too cute ! i had a blast doing her design for the most part. i struggled w that makeup and the color of her dress but its ok.

i also tried to give her something she could dance in—just like. imagine the length of the dress a little shorter. im not going back and fixing it

i based her color palette/patterns directly on her concept art because tbh, i dont love blond/ginger bomba ! so black/white/red hair bomba it is

i think she would be 27 in human years

hysperia | 🪴 ⌚ 🍡

this is my version of exotica, renamed hysperia, because i do not love her og name. its not fun. the name hysperia is taken from an ensemble kitten character from the og london production

i also based her design on a multitude of things, asides from her 2 costumes in 98—like some nbq/greycat designs since i feel like that design not becoming a common ensemble character was a waste. A WASTE I TELL YOU! ive also based her fur length on warsaw victoria because oh my godddd that design is so good. peak

her neck bow is a nod to the 2019 movie... the macavity girls w/ those bow collars. they were onto something there

she would have a much more prominent role than the few times she cameo'd in 98, still retaining the elegant/shy personality she shows in the film. shed be 29 in human years

cassandra | 🪐 ♠️ 🥯

i originally made her makeup a lot closer to her replica designs but decided to go for something a little different based on a makeup look i saw on pinterest LOL. so like. enjoy her slight earthy gothic vibes. i also didnt struggled too much on her outfit since i came into this knowing that i wanted her to be wearing something formfitting and bejeweled. a little circus-y too

more people have got to play up her disdainfulness. she'd be 26 in human years

alonzo | 🎹 🍢 🎳

once again, another design pretty similar to his standard replica one. i just tried to make the black patch on his face a little greyer and with some white detailing. because tbh every alonzo with white mascara makes me go crazy its so cute

i also tried to make his head fur/bangs a little distinctive—inspired by a random pic from a production i dont know the name of

enjoy his little cute fit too. pinklonzo. pastelonzo

that one gif of him pantomiming eating a playing card IS canon to me. he'd be 28 in human years

munkustrap | 📼 🥧🎙

verrrry similar to standard replica munks makeup-wise ! however, fur wise.... say hi to mulletstrap. to manestrap. 2 me he is tuggers brother so he gets that. i have no justification for the mullet other than idk, looks good, is funny, and the oslo 1985 production was right to give him one. also he and demeter can match now

i do like when theyre seen as something of a prince... so say hi to the gothenburg and opera populaire-esque epaulettes. theyre cayoot. they also get warsaw munks Big Pant Vibes

give this man a break. hed be 30 in human years

macavity | 🔥 🥂 🎯

he was actually one of the first cats i made design notes for when i started hyperfixating on this musical like.... two months ago. i really tried to mix elements from a bunch of different designs 4 him.... and sorry yall hes a deut brother too. im predictable

the manginess, mane, more ginger-y head fur, tugger-ness and the mouth markings from the 2016 revival... the big big hair, white fur and general makeup from his replica design... and the stylings of il sistina mac with the fitted coat. he also gets unique eyelashes like tugger—this time white instead of gold. he also gets that ominous magic cat eye shading

i think he would act a lot like 2019 mac... suave. but also not as dorky and desperate as he is in that movie LOL. he'd be 33 in human years

ONLY ONE MORE LEFT..... THE OLDIES........ MAYBE... I MIGHT MAKE DESIGNS FOR SOME OF THE SWINGS TOO LOL

[kimiehashobbies]

Night time greetings ladybugs,

Im feel so much better! Just had to work through some melancholy but im back at it. I have not done much working out this week but thats ok. What matters is im back on schedule tomorrow.

Something good I focused on during my low mood period: I finished interlocking my locs. I have microlocs so it always takes me 3-7 days. I really try to take my time. I recently cut off 3 rows in the back. My hair is fine and soft in the back in particular so it wasnt doing well in the loc style. Im going to just leave it alone. Just do wash and go in the back for it. Its a good reminder that sometimes we have to go with the flow. People wont like it but thats ok. I've had locs since October 2019. Its been amazing and freeing. I wear my hair for me now. Im comfortable with all the imperfections. I started them myself and maintain them myself. I learned from watching youtube videos. Im probably going to dye my hair again soon. I'll show pics when I finally do it. Im trying to pick a color. I didnt like dyeing my roots so i wont be doing that again. I like a soft dark brown eyebrow and root. Looks better to me.

I also got more yard work done. We are going to start spreading seeds. Its been over run with weeds but the worst part is the stickers. Awful for all of us but mostly our Luca. Im going to work really hard this spring to get the yard growing.

Not too much else has happened. Im back at it with my fitness, art and writing now that my mood has gotten optimistic! I have an idea for a comic book and thats what im working on for my art. Im casually drawing my 1st comic strip (i have 4 ideas) i hope i can get that first strip out this month. My timeline is kind of off a little. I haven't written at all in 2 weeks. Im picking that back up. I should've had this first idea done but I get so in my head about if its good enough. I'll never know if it is good enough unless i finish. Oh and also, I have not even looked at my Banjo so...... I take full accountability I failed at that goal.

Just a piece of wisdom I've learned is that opportunity wont just magically come without inner work. I've had beautiful ideas in my mind for at least a decade but I've always had self doubt and I'm an expert at self sabotaging. I have to get this creativity out there because its what i love and its who i am. Sometimes it is you yourself that holds you back. 2024 im done hiding, I will start this creative journey and document it the whole way through. I've got this and I want this. I believe in me and thats where action starts.

Ladybugs if you feel called to do something, just do it. The regret from not doing it sooner (or at all) will eat away at you. You cant fail if you dont try, BUT (but, but, but) you cant succeed either. You gotta believe in you and be your biggest fan.

As my favorite poet Jermaine Cole wrote "There's beauty in the struggle..."

🫶🏾🐞Kimie

[ilaiyayaya]

I think I can pretty definitively say that I'm finally out of the era of my life where I'm doing literally nothing and on the verge of killing myself everyday. My life definitely isn't perfect right now, obviously, but I think I've finally actually clawed my way far enough out of the pit that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm at risk of slipping into a depressive state again. I'm finally actually doing stuff again, I'm making a lot of progress toward moving out of my father's house as well as transing my gender, I'm not completely apathetic at all times and I've gained a lot of self-confidence, and most importantly to me, I've regained passion for a lot of stuff again, I've started doing 3D modelling again, and I'm learning new things again that I actually enjoy and feel the motivation to continue doing, and I'm actually enjoying a lot of the media I'm consuming! (Finally I can once again feel something when I watch horrible kuso-anime that has no appeal to anyone EXCEPT ME IT HAS APPEAL TO ME I LOVE GARBAGE I LOVE EATING GARBAGE YEAAAAA!!!)

Pretty much since, at least late 2020 but really the dominos started in 2019, I had been extremely depressed, a lot happened around that time that completely left pretty much every aspect of my life in ruin (surpringly not caused by the pandemic at all, although that definitely didn't help), I lost a lot of friends, most of the things I had been working toward in life were pretty much nullified, and a lot of mental health issues I had, and still have, started actually becoming major issues, it wasn't a very fun time. The worst of it was easily 2021, I'm not really gonna go in depth both because, I don't particularly want to remember the details of it more than necessary, and also because it would just be a paragraph of me talking about trying to kill myself constantly and the mental state that led me to do that, and that's not particularly fun or really even important to know the specifics of, but the one kinda good thing I guess about that year was that by the end it got so bad that in 2022 I just said fuck it and started doing a bunch of things that really should not have worked out as well as they did, but by 2023 I had a car and my driver's license, a job, and had regained some of my lost friends, and told the ones that I really didn't ever want to speak to again to [REDACTED]. 2023 was pretty much just a continuation of that, albeit with a lot more stability, almost the entire year was spent focusing on my job and getting as much money as possible as quickly as possible because I didn't really have much else to focus on and a majority of what I needed to move forward in life required a lot of money capitalismamiright. Now in 2024 I have a lot of money saved up, enough that realistically I could probably move out at any time, I'm finishing tying up the last few loose ends of like, basic adulting things that I should've done a long time ago, I have a decently large, stable group of friends, I've come out as trans to like, at least 90% of the people in my life that I plan to actually keep in my life a year from now, I'm still extremely emotionally unstable (I don't think that's going away like, ever tbh lol) but at least now it's in a way where I'm still actually getting stuff done consistently and not just turning into a pile of goo for 3 weeks out of each month, and I'm FINALLY FUCKING PASSIONATE ABOUT MAKING STUFF AGAIN WOOOOOOO LET'S FUCKING GOOOO TIME TO MAKE Bucket of Wet Slop grins.

I didnt even realize that I was in such a significantly better spot in life now until like, really recently, like really really recently, like as in like a couple days ago. The thing that made me really notice it was that I used to pretty much dread days I was off work like, I kinda don't particularly love my job, it kinda fucking sucks in a lot of ways, but also like, if I'm just at home all I was doing was rotting and like, looking at my phone waiting to get called into work anyways so it sucked either way. About a week ago I had 4 days off in a row and like, that never happens, like at all ever, probably the last time I had been off for more than 2 days continuously was like, literally long enough ago that I have no clue when, and before like, 4 days off would be like, bad, like 4 days of not making money *and* still being miserable, but like, those 4 days were great, I popped off I got so much shit done and I felt great while doing it it was so pog, and now like, work's kinda just like getting in my way of getting stuff done, like I actually have stuff I want to do now it's great! Like, I don't plan to quit my job (probably) or anything like that anytime soon but like, it feels weirdly good for my job to actually feel like a job that's sucking out my soul instead of it being the only thing keeping me from saying "off to hang myself, watch and le" because now I once again have the passion and motivation to do things that I actually want to do.

Moral of the story: life is good and capitalism sux :litwickthumbsup:

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[jisungs-tummy]

Happy New Year I guess

Through all the shit I've gone through this year, at least it wasn't as painful as 2018-2019.

What I'm saying is that although the world has gone to shit, this year hasn't been so awful.

I've met some pretty cool people this year. I've only had this blog for a year, too. So that's crazy.

To all my followers, I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time. It's been months, i know. I haven't had any motivation, and when I do get inspiration to write, it's very short-lived. I have tons of WIPs, I just haven't finished anything. I still have a request to write!! I'm so sorry for the delay. :(

I'll tag a few people that I had a nice time meeting. I'm very forgetful and bad with words, so I probably won't say too much unless we've been through a lot together.

-------------------

@kingxrabbit hey, Eli. Even after everything that has happened between us, I'm still really happy I met you. We had a lot of laughs. We had a lot of fun. Thank you for putting up with me for so long. You're a good person, even if other people and your mental illness tells you otherwise. (Note: people are shitty and not always nice, which is why I say this.) I'm so proud of you. I love you.

@alt-yandere-bratzdoll hey Sun.... I'm still iffy about the whole situation that happened, but I don't think about it as deeply as I used to. I've gotten over it. I think I needed the hurt to happen as some kind of... wake up call? Maybe I was a little obsessed. You were like... a hyperfixation? I really loved you. I'm glad I met you, even after everything that happened. I don't hurt over it anymore. I'm proud of you and I encourage you to eat something everyday, even if it's small and you dont feel like it. Please take care of yourself.

@chans-chair hey Rae. We didnt talk much at all except for when you would see me vent posting on main and would try to help me. Thank you for talking to me. You've helped me a lot. I love you.

@sxltyshima hey Josie. Thank you for being there. You've kept me entertained through tough times. I'm sorry for being so dry recently. It's been hard to find motivation to respond or anything. All I do is sleep nowadays. I'm really sorry. I'm happy that we met, though. I'm so happy you trust me and let me help you. You mean a lot to me. I know you're on the other side of the country and I've never met you irl, but sometimes it feels as if I've actually met you, and we're just old friends. Thank you for being here. I love you so much.

@yangomangos hey mangos, I know we never talked a lot, but I enjoyed reading your content and interacting with you. I'm happy we met.

Sammy gets her own through text bc I have her number <3

Kai also gets her own bc I have her on kkt <3

@spearb1108 hey Zehra. You're such a great friend. I know we havent talked much recently, but I'm happy we met.

I'm forgetting so many people, but I'm also half asleep and watching Jacksepticeye play undertale haha <3

[bitchylittlepsycho69]

entry #1  - Him

Content Warning: suicide, depression and self harm. If you're sensitive to these topics, and you aren't a total masochist about it, maybe you should avoid reading this one.

this is my first entry.

 I want to know if other people feel the same way.  

         is it bad that he still says “kill yourself, look for a reason to” even if I turned a corner, stayed sober, stopped cutting, or had absolutely no reason to feel that way? It’s been since I was 10 that I felt the need to cut, the little voice inside my head saying do it, it’s worth it, you will be at peace, unfortunately I am not as selfish as I thought  and I think of my mom every single fucking time... I don’t really no what reason I had to cut myself at that age, but all I remember was the first time he appeared. the little voice inside my ear. Him.

   I wasn’t really a enjoyable person to be around growing up, always had problems with friends or my weight or just being able to communicate with people in a certain way, my mom used to say I was just quiet, but honestly I was being consoled by that stupid voice in my head

 ‘LIE, CUT, DON’T EAT, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER LISTEN TO ME JOANNE’.

 I don’t know why... but his voice sounded so soothing until you stop listening to him. then he gets violent and aggressive.  

 ‘MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTHLESS AND YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTEN JOANNE

 ugh shut up guy.  

 After I went into high school. He broke loose. I was my own demon for a while, I started getting into things I never did in my life, (drinking smoking snorting fighting getting arrested the whole shebang) but it’s not like I wasn’t enjoying it. I would drink or do drugs with my new friends to forget about what I’ve been through. like turning over a new leaf. but that was toxic. and on a daily basis I would drink smoke cut repeat. day after day it was like an addiction for pain and forgetfulness. After grade 9 summer 2012, he came back. stronger. he knew every weakness of mine, I am him, he is me. he knows everything now. just when I thought he was gone. he came right back.

  I got expelled. sent a girl to the hospital, was arrested, charged. you know it. after that I was sent to counseling but still didn’t go so, I breached my probation, twice. all I remember is that giggle that me and him would do when we would get in trouble do something ridiculous like spray paint the water tower or steal from tip jars and from grocery stores, just stupid shit. I loved the attention and so did he. but he knew my future. and at that time, I didn't. he was up to something. but 16-year-old Joanne, was fucking clueless.

 years are passing by same old shit just a different day and my life got boring so demon left for a while, I stopped cutting got into habits like working ffs. my demon left for a while when it was 2015, when I first met the love of my life, knowing I’m manipulative I did everything in my power to keep him around, sometimes healthy, most of the time not. but eventually that relationship came to came to an end and we lost contact.  but HE came back. angry. and violent, and ready to play. I grabbed whatever drug I had in my cabinet, took it all. drank until I woke up in the middle of a park on the opposite side of the city when I was just drinking by myself at home, got a 15000 loan and spent it on blow Xanax bottles and cases of liquor, I paid last 3 months rent so I could pretty much trash it for 3 months then find another dump to live in. I drank and drove everywhere sometimes I was black out and still was lucky to make it home. but I didn’t care. I’m ready to die. he knows it, and I know it. and on that day in June 1, 2018 we agreed with each other for the first time. he knew everything now to get rid of me. he knew the alcohol would stay he knew I wouldn’t stop he knows I wouldn’t get help.

 ‘Now its time Joanne. now there’s nothing more you have left, you’re 20k in debt, your family hates you your friends tolerate because you have the money, you had the stuff, but where is everybody now? you were meant to die alone. Just fucking do it’

 “Okay”

 After that somebody called the cops on me, they showed up and I was there puking and passed out, only I didnt have any cuts on my arm, pills and cocaine were scattered and mixed together vodka was all over me and I had bleach; unopened, thankfully. Now if that wasn’t rock bottom. Then there is definitely a lot more to come... because I’m still falling.

 got on medication, trazodone mostly, some anti depressants, but I wasn’t allowed to have to many, because I am a substance abuser. I could hear him mocking me from the distant “fucking pussy”. He would say it to make me drink to taunt and every time that happened, I would drink and drive, and guess who has a DUI now. After the meds started kicking in, he fucked off. But I stopped taking my meds right after. Is it bad that I missed him?

 He left and I didn’t hear from him until September 2019. But that’s another story. Thanks for reading.

  my depression will always find a way back. there is no escaping my life. but at least I’m not alone, I have him. he will always be there when you fall, to cradle you in your darkest times, to eagerly make you want  feel the endorphins breaking through your wrist, that feeling you’ve been thriving for, the art painted with a blade that you found in your dads tool box, the tears that you shed of every minute of everyday, the things you go through. he will be right where he needs to be. With you. Always.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If any of you are going through something and need to talk to somebody or if somebody you know is going through something there are many support services that are here to help.  

IN CANADA:

Canadian Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS): French or English: toll-free 1-833-456-4566 Available 24/7

 Kids Help Phone is Canada’s only 24/7, national support service. We offer professional counselling, information and referrals and volunteer-led, text-based support to young people in both English and French.Whether by phone, text, mobile app or through our website, you can connect with us whenever you want, however you want. KIDS HELP PHONE (20 years or youngers): 1-800-668-6868 (Online or on the Phone)

UNITED STATES:

United States Suicide Prevention Lifelines are available 24/7 Call National Hope Helpline at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or in Spanish, 1-888-628-9454.

Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS), of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), maintains a mental health services locator, which you can use to help find services, facilities and resources in your state. 

[thirsty-pixie]

Richie x Reader

Part 1

Part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

I know Richie is gay in the movie but I do what I want lmao. This is kinda something I've had rolling around in my brain for a while.

Back story: Y/n is a creature similar to it, she was born from her mother which was human but her father was Pennywise. It was getting lonley and wanted to have someone else who could live as long as him and keep him company. Though humans were much to fragile and died quickly he decided to impregnate a Woman. The pregnancy nearly killed the woman leaving her bound to a wheel chair. The child received some of its abilities like strength, speed and she feeds off of fear, she is also connected to it physically. When it gets hurt she feels the pain and she is immortal, she stops physically aging at 36. She feeds on fear but not by eating children, just being around someone who is scared is enough.

Last day of school.

Is was the last day of school and I was already sitting outside of the front doors watching the students leave the building. Mrs. Ripsom was waiting put in the road with the police looking for her daughter. I still remember the blood on my dads chin when I walked in on him eating and the sickening thud when poor Betty fell to the ground of the sewer. He never let me see him eat and that day I found out why. I seen four familiar boys walk out of the building Bill, Stan, Eddie, and Richie.

I enjoyed hanging close to this group because Eddie, he was a hypochondriac and was always scared of something. I watched as they walked passed me Eddie looking up at me then quickly back down to his feet. I chuckled shaking my head,the walked over to a trash can to dump their bags which was a common thing for kids to do after school let's out for the summer. The door opened again this time Bowers and his gang walked out, Patrick winked at me like always as they passed earning an eyeroll from me.

They walked towards the four boys who were starting to walk home. I felt something snap when Bowers grabbed Richie's bag and pulled him backwards into Stan. Within a few seconds I was standing between Bill and Henry, I heard Richie say shit when I shoved Bowers back. "The fuck is your problem" I yelled at Henry causing him to get angry, "it's none of your business now be a good little bitch a run along." He stepped closer but I didnt back down.

"I'm sorry. Did I stu-stu-studer? I said run along." He tried to push me with his chest but I didn't budge "you don't scare me Henry" suddenly fear radiated from Henry as he looked behind me make eye contact with his dad. "This isn't over losers!" He huffed before turning to leave. "Holy shit! Do you have a death wish? He will literally kill you" I turned and Looked at Eddie and shrugged. "I'm not afraid of Henry he's just a scared little kid" I stuffed my hands in my pockets and looked at Richie and Stan who looked shocked. "I'm Y/n.... by the way" I smiled and began walking away.

I heard the four of them running to catch up with me "that was totally cool" I looked down at Richie how was now walking next to me "I mean he's honestly not that scary...." even though he was only a couple years younger than me he was pretty short. "So I'm Stan, that's Bil, Eddie and hes Richie." Stan walked on the otherside of me introducing everyone. I smiled and kept walking "where are you going?" I heard two of them ask in unison. "Well I gotta get home to my mom and hang out with her until the next nurse comes..... theres a gap in the shift change." I mumbled the last part and I turned the street.

"What's wrong with you're mom? She a vegetable or something?." Richie blurted. I heard someone punch him followed by and ouch causing me to laugh. "No she's just in a wheelchair so for an hour after school I take care of her then the night nurse comes." I looked at the Four who had slowed their pace and walked behind me. "Then I think tomorrowim gonna go swimming" I stopped at my driveway and looked at the boys who were following me like puppies. "W-w-well we are going to gu-go to to the ba-barrens. Want to come?" I smiled at Bill and Richie flung his arm over Bill's shoulder "yeah we can stop by here and get you then hit up the quarry after the barrens" I nodded "yeah I'll see you all tomorrow then"

I walked inside to see my mom asleep on the couch, I covered her with a blanket and turned the tv off. I went to my room and changed into my workout outfit and waited till the night nurse arrived. "She's been asleep since I got home I made her dinner it's in the oven.." the nurse smiled and I walked out of the house. I began jogging to the sewer drain that was closest to my dads hideout.

I looked to make sure nobody was watching before I slipped inside. The walk wasn't long before I heard him humming. "Daddy?" The humming stopped when I spoke and he popped his head around the corner in his human form. I smiled and walked into the large room hugging my father he smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. "How was your last day of School Y/n" I shrugged and looked up at the children floating some with missing appendages. "It was fine....Daddy must you display them like they are trophies..." i frowned and he sighed looking down.

"I'm sorry its how I lived for a really long time it's hard to change....." I nodded and flopped against the pile of toys. It sat next to me and sighed "so I've told you how I used to sleep for 27 years at a time..." his voice was shaky and he spoke slowly causing worry to build up inside me. "Yeah.." I rolled onto my side and looked at him, his eyes had prominent dark circles and he looked exhausted. "I'm getting weak and tired and I will be going back to sleep for another 27 years in about a month or so..." he scanned my face as I sat up.

"So you're leaving me for 27 years?! Mom wont survive another year.... what will I do?" I stood up and glared at him. He stood up and hugged me "I know I'm sorry I stayed as long as i could. You'll be ok you're strong just promise me you'll come back when I wake up...." I had started crying when he hugged me but by the time he finished I was sobbing. "I'm going to miss you Daddy...." I knew he was a horrible monster but he was my father.

~~~Time skip~~~

I had on my black and red backpack on that I had filled with snacks, I sat on my stairs with my bike waiting for the boys to come by. After about 15 minutes I heard Richie's loud mouth about a block away so I stood up and got on my bike. "Ready Chicka?" Richie asked and I nodded smiling, the barrens was only a 5 minute ride from my house so. We walked down the trail and to the drain pipe that fed into the creek, I could smell the rotting flesh unbeknownst to anyone else. My senses were 100 times better than an average persons.

I scrunched my nose at the smell and followed Bill into the drain listening for my dad. I heard Eddie complaining about the water and laughed when I heard Richie say it doesn't smell like caca to him. Bill picked up Betty's shoe and turned around, "guys" every one froze and looked at Bill. I zoned out remembering seeing my dad as a clown mouth dripping in blood, I was brought back to reality when I head someone scream for help. The screaming continued but they sounded like painful screams like someone was hurt, no one else could hear it.

Moments later a kid came splashing down the creek falling into the water a few feet away from us. "Oh shit" we all rushed over to the kid to help him, I could feel his fear from back where I was standing before I went to help and the closer I got the more invigorating it was. I was in bliss as he rode on my pegs to the drug store, we stopped in the Alley leaning the bikes against the wall as Eddie looked at Ben's stomach.

They rushed inside leaving Ben, Richie, and I out in the alley "glad I got to meet you before you died" I looked at Richie and hit his arm playfully. He looked at me confused "not nice" I said before lifting Ben's shirt again. "Fucking Bowers.... I'm gonna kick his ass for this" before Richie could say anything the guys came rushing out their arms full of supplies. "What'd you do rob the place." I watched as Eddie meticulously tended to his wound, a few moments later I heard someone coming through the alley.

"You ok that looks like it hurts" I looked up seeing a redhead girl standing next to Bill I tuned the rest of the conversation out as I walked to the end of the alley. I popped my back and watched as people walked along the side walk oblivious to horrors that lay below the streets the drove and walked walked on. "Y-yo-you coming Y/n?" "Yeah pull your head out of the clouds and kets goooo" I smiled at Richie and Bill as I walked back to my bike.

Posted 9/30/2019

Part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

[four-swords-green]

Secret Santa 2019

Happy holidays @larrytheflute9! I am your secret Santa this year :D After the beautiful piece you made for me (which I have on my phone lockscreen at the moment). I thought you deserved something which is at least half as good as the piece you made for me. I hope you enjoy it! I love the fact that you’re favourite character is Blue, so hence why he’s the star of the show :) Anyway; hope you enjoy! Once again lots of thanks to @imaginefourswords for hosting the secret santa event this year. Had lots of fun <3

 It’s not that he disliked the holidays. On the contrary even. The festivities were fun, he liked the food and he loved his friends. He just didnt like the winter months it came with. He would never admit it out loud. He endured if it made his friends and family happy. Besides, Red’s cooking was to die for, even if he made a mess out of the kitchen. But Blue would never show that he actually liked helping Red clean up in the kitchen afterward. He complained, a lot, certainly. But once you got the know the Blue Link really, you’ll notice that it was all a facade. The winter and especially the cold was just a bad memory, that’s all. But Blue would never show that. The day started like normal. Vio and Blue would be the first to wake up. Vio would spend the morning reading a new book, or devising cunning strategies for the next mission their princess would send them on. Blue would make a quick breakfast, usually a sandwich or something like that. Today was something light, since Red wanted to make a huge holiday breakfast for all of them this morning. After that Blue would go to the training grounds to start his daily dose of, well, training. It would not be long until Green joined him on his morning training. Like Blue, Green enjoyed testing his limits and they were each other’s rivals and sparring partners. Blue shivered as he tried to warm up his hands with his breath. ”What’s wrong? Already tired?” Green commented with a half smirk towards his friend. Blue shrugged. “I never liked the cold, you know.” ”Oh, I know. That’s why we are going back to the house, right now. Red should have breakfast ready.” Green smiled and patted Blue on the shoulder guiding him back to the house they all shared. Blue voiced his reluctant agreement but inside was actually glad to be going back inside. The cold always reminded him of a certain ice cold cave back on their adventure. Blue shook his head trying to get himself rid of that memory. Once they were back inside they could already smell the scent of some breakfast. Green moved to the kitchen to see if Red needed any help while Blue moved himself to the living room, desperate for the warm fire place. When he entered he saw Vio still reading on the same sofa from earlier this morning but this time a certain shadow creature was sprawled over his lap, almost like a cat. When you looked closely you could see that Vio sometimes moved his hand over Shadow’s hair, almost petting him and making him comfortable. Vio looked up as he saw the Blue Link enter the room. ”Short training?” Vio asked with a hint of surprise in his voice. Shadow opened one eye to see what disturbed his pillow. Once again Blue shrugged. ”We were cold.” Blue answered bluntly. Honestly, he did not even know why he was being short with the purple link. Vio raised his eyebrows and looked outside form the window opposite of Blue. “Hmm, fortunately there’s not any snow outside so no wet clothes to make you even more cold. Should be snowing later today, though.” Vio replied and closed his book. Shadow groaned under him. Blue did not give Vio a response and instead moved himself over to the kitchen. Red saw him enter and gave him a big smile. ”Happy holidays, Blue! You’re just in time, breakfast is ready to be eaten.” Red pushed Blue towards the table and ran over towards the living room to get the other Link’s. ”Red is certainly eager to start the party.” Green commented with a smile as he sat down next to the Blue Link. Before Blue could voice a reply Red ran back in again with Vio and Shadow close behind him. Once they were all seated Blue looked with a small smile towards all the food on the table. He really, really liked Red’s cooking. ”I declare the party; started!” Red said with a cheer as he raised his glass of orange juice in mock toast. The other Link’s joined Red in the mock toast and began eating. For Blue this was easily the most relaxed part of today. After this he was supposed to get dressed in his finest clothing and then move with his friends towards the castle. But not before having the breakfast Red made for them. Blue watched on as he saw that Red had once again outdone himself. The table was filled with all kinds of breads, croissants and eggs and meat. After their huge breakfast Red cleared his throat to gain the attention of his fellow Link’s. ”Let’s exchange gifts! I have a present for someone who might use it today!” Red smiled and grabbed a nicely wrapped package from under the table. Vio agreed and got up to get his presents from downstairs. Green walked to the living roo to find his present from his hiding place and Shadow grabbed a small package from his pocket with a smirk. Blue’s present was upstairs as well so he moved towards his bedroom to retrieve it. Every year during the holidays their father and Link would exchange holiday gifts to celebrate. A tradition the Link’s continued on when they moved out from their father. This year they decided to all chip in to get a gift for their father together and have a secret santa kind of event together. All orchestrated by the Red Link who enjoyed these kinds of celebrations the most. Blue returned with his gift. This year he gt to buy a present for Shadow. The Link he admitted he knew the least. When he returned all the Link’s were waiting for him and chatted. He sat down and set the package on the table. Green moved first setting his gift in front of Red. ”I hope you like it, happy holidays!” Green smiled and mentioned for Red to open it. Red gave a huge smile and thanked Green while opening up the package. Inside was a Red apron with his name in golden letters. A complimentary chef hat was also inside. Red jumped up from his chair and hugged Green in thanks. “Thank you so much, I love it!” Red sat back down again and looked at the stuff he received in appreciation.

 Shadow chuckled and grabbed his present and moved it in front of Vio. “Happy holidays.” He said with a wink. Vio smiled silently as he opened his present and inside was a small locket. “Shadow, I did not know you had an eye for jewellery.” Vio opened the locket and his eyes widened. Inside was a small portrait of them together. Vio looked closely. “Did you draw this?” Shadow nodded in pride. Lately he has been trowing himself in the arts because the princess insisted he needed a creative outlet. He scoffed at first but it turned out he was quite good at it. Vio was silent but gave a soft smile which was reserved only for Shadow. “Thank you.” ”You’re welcome.” Shadow replied softly in return. The same kind of softness only reserved for Vio. Vio put the locked around his neck and under his shirt, close to his heart. He then moved his hands to give a certain present to Green. Green smiled in thanks and opened his present silently, careful to not disrupt the tender atmosphere. Inside was a mirror shield. The one he himself had been saving up for a while now. His eyes widened. “Vio! This is way too expensive!” Vio shrugged and smiled. “But it is what you wanted, right?” Green gave him a huge grin. “It is. Thank you so much!” He held the shield and looked at all the details in the mirror, cleaning the surface with his sleeve.

 Blue watched it all happen but the nervous feeling grew in his stomach. Everyone got each other such heartfelt gifts, he hoped Shadow liked his. Blue quickly grabbed his present and set it in front of Shadow. Shadow looked on with a grin as he opened the present. Inside was a book. Shadow raised his eyebrow at Blue. “You got me a book, thanks I guess?” He chuckled and opened it to read what the first page said, since the cover was just leather without any text. Blue rolled his eyes. “Just read it, smartass.” Shadow read a few words and then his other eyebrow joined the other’s raised position. Apparently it was a book about the history of Hyrule’s art, showing different examples and materials and techniques used. ”Gee Blue, I don’t know what to say...” Shadow whispered as he thumbed trough the book. “Blue chuckled. “How about thank you?” Shadow laughed and grinned at Blue. “Thanks, bud.” Blue smiled and moved his hand waving him in thanks. After that it was down to the final gift. Red smiled and walked to Blue with his gift. ”This gift is really special to me. I know you don’t like the cold. I also know why. Being frozen as a Popsicle has got to be a terrible experience.” Red tried to joke lightly in hope it made Blue feel easier. Blue felt shivers move over his spine. Ah. Why did he have to mention that? Blue asked himself feeling his cheeks turn pink in embarrassment. Red smiled softly. “And that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared sometimes and feel uncomfortable. That’s what makes us human. But, to help, I wanted to give you this so you would not feel cold anymore.” Red gave the present to blue who accepted it. Blue felt the weight of the package. It wasn’t heavy but it almost felt like it was soft inside. Blue guessed it must be some kind of scarf. He opened the present and, indeed he was rigfht. It was a thick dark blue scarf. ”I had Zelda help me with this actually, it’s handmade and infused with magic. Wear it.” Red smiled and jumped up and down. Blue raised his eyebrow. Infused with magic? He wrapped the scarf around his neck and while he did that he felt it. The scarf was warm. It was filled with a warmth that he could feel moved trough his whole body. Blue’s eyes widen as he felt himself feeling warmed and cosy as he could finally relax. He looked at Red in surprise. “It’s warm?” ”Yup! This scarf is supposed to be warm to anyone who wears it so the next time you are in a winter region and a dumb monster decides to turn you into an ice statue, you will not be cold anymore.” Blue did not know how to respond. He looked again at the scarf and wrapped it around his chest as well, feeling the warmth move towards the inside of his chest. Blue smiled not daring to look any of the other Link’s in the eye. ”Thank you, Red. I love it.” He whispered. Red smiled and gave a hug to Blue. “You’re welcome Blue, happy holidays!” Blue accepted the hug and rolled his eyes playfully. After the gift giving the Link’s got dressed to move towards Zelda’s castle to start with the holiday celebrations with their father, Zelda and all their friends who decided to come over. Blue never let go of the warm scarf he received. Feeling loved and understood even when he never voiced his adversity to the cold out loud to his fellow friends. He suspected that the Link’s knew anyway, and that was okay. At least he had the scarf to keep himself warm in case his friends were not around to keep his heart warm.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

When i was 13, i found out that men can and do become women. That there was a word for the way i felt inside: transgender. All i had to do in order to be who i am is reach out to the right people, seek help and support.

However, it isnt always so easy. Our world judges people like us in alot of scenarios, and for a kid who just wanted to live her best little life that was a scary concept. So i hid it, i did well until i was 15 and 16. My dad and my stepmom went through my room, twice. On both occasions they found womens clothing, which i would quite often wear to bed cause i felt so soothed by the soft fabric. I had leggings, and panties, and a sports bra, and a white tank top the first time. Even back then i always loved the way leggings hugged my lower half, and how relaxing and comfortable sleep was in them. Back then it was a source of comfort, i "dressed up" in order to cull the anxiety i had from putting on this mask every day. It was killing me.

I made fun of, i bullied my own kind, i bullied the LGBTQ community as a whole. I did it because i wanted to distance myself from my own identity, and cause i was jealous of other trans women who were already in their transitions and living their best lives!! I became a homophobic, misogynistic asshole to just get away from it, and to make sure nobody would ever expect it. I hate that period of my life, i look back on it in deep shame.

But then one day i moved into a place that i would eventually feel safe in. I was 18 now, and just starting to really get worn down by drugs and mental illness. But i turned around there, and i got really close to the staff at this group home. They supported me like my parents would, even though they were a different nationality and spoke bad english i felt closer to the group home workers than almost anyone else. They talked me down when i was mad or crying. They helped me get further in life. I had thoughts of coming out one day, and how i could probably do it both in vancouver and in this house. I had thoughts of how it would go. Who to tell first, it raged in my head for a couple weeks. But one day i was with my therapist, we were driving around and i had just gotten a cheddar bacon angus burger from mcdonalds with a vanilla bean frappuccino to drink. But before i could eat, my stomach wouldnt let me go on without telling my therapist whats really going on.

"I dont know how to say this ashley, but its been on my mind since i was 13 and ive planned out the whole process in my head already! Im fucking trans, im a woman, i want to be a girl and im tired of putting on this rough and tough mask just to try and fit in and be a man!! Im tired of rough, i want soft!! I want to have boobs!! I want to have nice long legs with thick hips! I want to see the sparkle come back to my eyes! I want to see my smile have happyness behind it, and not nothing, im tired of faking it!! Im scared, i could never do this around my dad, or in kelowna!! But ive got a fresh start in this city, and i know i can do it with the supports i have!! Everything i did was to please someone else, and i tried to be the best man i could to hide it.. im not a man though, im a happy, beautiful girl and im tired of hiding her!!"

That was 2017, in the spring. I was a drug addict back then, and i lived full time as a girl for 3 whole months!! Although i was so happy, and felt so comfortable in my skin i couldnt handle it once i lost my supports on top of my addiction.

On september 14th 2017, i buried Jenna for a while. I felt so horrible, even rhough i knew it was temporary i didnt know how temporary it would be. I was scared to be a boy now, and i felt even more dysphoric full well knowing the result of transitioning and the improvements to my mental health. Burying jenna was burying who i am. It couldn't last long, and once i got sober on december 15th 2018, and got myself into a safe space again in march. By late april i couldnt hold jenna inside me anymore, she needed out, jenna needed to bloom and grow big and strong!! I came out a second time to my mother and my grandmother who were both as accepting as two people who know no trans people aside from me can be. It went well, i told them it was time for me to resume my transition.

They were there for me when i reached out to Skipping stone, and got hooked up with a gender therapist. By august i had a date for when i would start hormones, october 9th 2019. On october 9th i was tense, i just wanted it to go right. I even had a little freakout in my appointment at my phone. But, after driving an hour and half each way, i walked out of my doctors office still in boy mode, but with a script for cyproterone and estradiol!! I started that night!!

When i started hrt, i was a different person in two weeks, i wasnt jayden, i was jenna. I acted way more feminine, my skin got softer, my erogenous zones changed, my voice got higher, my testicles shrunk. The feminization process had begun! I had emotional breaks here and there, and it hasnt been easy all the time. But my bad days today are still better than my best days when i was playing a character, acting as jayden. Today when i get sad, i put on something cute, and i take some cute pics and i look at them. I love it when i can honestly say, i love the way im changing. How my face lost the wrinkles of 5 years of bad habits in two months!! How my breasts are here and so so sensitive, i feel them moving on my chest and theyre like little stress sacks there for me to squeeze and hold when im feeling down!! I love the feeling of weight on my chest, and the jiggle when i walk or hit bumps on my bike! My medical transition so far is destroying any bit of my dysphoria!

I think trans is beautiful, because theres something just so positive, so god damn enlightening and beautiful. About one mans journey to woman. My body is changing, its curves being accentuated, its features becoming more noticeable by the day. I feel so much joy when i see a change, when i notice my body looks feminine. Or when i get compliments, like "my god youve got legs for days!!" It makes me know for a fact i chose right, cause im a beautiful girl, going through this beautiful process with beautiful changes.

Jenna jayde is a girl, i wasnt born a girl, but i make a better girl than i ever could have a boy. Wearing clothes that make me happy, and feel hugged all over from the soft tight fabric. Feeling emotions i never thought existed after a while on hrt!

Its so beautiful, like a sunflower swaying slightly in the summer breeze!

Life is better now, its worth standing up and fighting for.

Woot woot!! Its trans positivity jenna!! Woot woot!!

[prettygirlseat]

TW.

Guys for anyone who follows me with disordered eating habits, anyone who’s in recovery, or anyone who may be triggered by this, i want to first put out a warning. i will be talking about eating disorders, binging, food, calories, and other diet-related topics. please read at your own risk.

So. I finally watched Shane Dawson’s “The Return of Eugenia Cooney”, and... wow. First, I had never heard of her before his video; I may have seen pictures here and there on Tumblr or other sites but I never knew who she really was.

At first I was incredibly triggered, and within 3 minutes into the actual video, I had to pause it and catch my breath because I (not expecting to see what I was seeing) was not mentally prepared to watch a video like this. That being said, the video was very good, but that’s not why I’m making this post.

If you’ve been following me since BEFORE I was even in recover and I was a thinspo account, you’d know that, mentally, I was incredibly sick. I remember seeing one of my old posts a few months ago where I documented what I ate that day, and I only had eaten 500calories. At the darkest part of my eating disorder, which has yet to be professionally diagnosed (for reasons I’ll get into in a second), I struggled to eat, my hair would fall out in large clumps, I’d have bruises everywhere from lack of iron, my skin would be dry and flakey, and I would be cold in 80 degree weather.

I suffered from disordered eating habits my whole life. Blame it on partly my problem with certain foods (food aversion & sensory processing, which led me to eat a very little variety of foods), growing up poor and not being able to afford the luxury of some foods, my mom’s lack of knowledge about nutrition, and other mental factors like family life and other mental illnesses. However, things got progressively worse for me when I was in 7th grade (about 10 or 11 years old); that’s when I first noticed I was beginning to purposely eat less and less food OR I’d easily eat an entire tub of cheese balls in the span of 2 or 3 days.

When I got to high school, I started doing cheerleading, and this was a problem because cheerleading is the type of sport (yes sport, stfu) where certain things are dictated by your “size” aka how much you weigh. If you were lighter/smaller, you’d be a flyer, which meant you’d be the girl in the air. If you were heavier/bigger, you’d be the girls holding the flyer in the air, etc. Well, ever since I could remember, I wanted to be a flyer so bad, but I was never small enough. I wanted to be thin so that I could be the girl in the air. Not to mention the small uniforms with the tiny skirt and little top made it harder as well because I wanted to look good, I wanted to feel cute and “small” in my uniform.

When I turned 15, though, that’s when things peaked for me, in terms of my eating disorder’s severity. I had begun losing a lot of weight, I was in love with a boy at the time who didn’t love me back, and my sick brain convinced me that if I was thinner, maybe he’d like me. *spoiler alert: he didnt* So yeah, I was losing weight, going to the gym everyday, binge every few days, and I even created what I called a “thinspo” diary to keep track of what I was doing. AND. I made a thinspo account on Tumblr. hence how this account was originally born.

The more weight I started to lose, the more compliments I received, which motivated me to lose even more weight. However, by the time I was 17, I had met a girl that had just moved to my school and was a “friend of a friend”. She was also suffering from an eating disorder, and she was in the process of getting help. With her encouragement and the encouragement of recovery blogs on Tumblr and my own desire to escape the hell of my ED, I finally went into self-recovery (because, keep in mind, I had never been properly diagnosed by a doctor and since no one in my family knew what was going on).

Self-recovery, first off, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and still fight with every single day). If you or someone you know is in self-recovery give yourself/them some love and encouragement because truly I feel like no one understands how hard it is to pull yourself out of the pits of hell all on your own. With that being said, I was struggling for awhile with my recovery at this point. Now, fast forward to February 2018 (I was a senior in high school), I had caught the flu. Left me unable to hold down food or water for 2 days. I was sent to the hospital because I had thrown up 7 times in 10 hours, which doesn’t seem like a lot maybe but let me tell you that was the worst physical illness I had to endure, and I was sick for 2 weeks.

During these 2 weeks, I could eat maybe a sleeve of crackers and a can of coke if I was lucky. I was at a very low place mentally, and overall I was just miserable. I had been attempting recovery for a few months at this point, and I was seriously struggling. So, like any logical person would do, I tried to reach out to people for help. I decided it was finally time I come clean to my mom about my illness. I was laying in bed and I had gotten up to go talk to my mom, who was doing dishes in the kitchen. I walk up to her and, meekly (which is something I’m NOT in the slightest) tell her I might be sick with an eating disorder, and that I thought I needed help. She, who worked as an Emergency Room technician and had treated patients with stabbings and gun shot wounds, told me that 1. I was not thin enough to have an eating disorder (because technically I was at an average weight for my height) and 2. she knows me well enough to know when I’m sick and that I’m not actually sick.

As someone who struggles with any mental illness, but especially an eating disorder, all you want is someone to recognize you, validate you, and give you reassurance. In this moment, I knew I would never get any of those things from my mom about my illness. And this may sound dramatic to some people, but I think a part of myself died that night. Because that wasn’t the first time I had gone to my mother for help, and time and time again she had either outright denied my need for assistance or had said she’d get me help and just never did. And I still remember how devastated I felt in that moment, and I know there will permanently be rift in her and I’s relationship. It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for; when I was at the absolute worst and practically begging for someone to give a fuck, she turned her back on me and left me to basically fend for myself.

I’m finally happy to report, that as of July 2019, I am the happiest and most at peace I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’m recovering/recovered, I’m physically healthy, I have recently met some of the greatest people that are now in my life, and I finally feel like I got away from the grips of my ED. I’m not sure why I made this post, to be honest, but I’ve been struggling a little bit wit body dismorphia, positivity, self love, and everything else. After watching Shane Dawson’s video on Eugenia Cloony, it really put things into perspective of my own journey and how far I’ve come and how genuinely happy I am. I, like every other person on the planet, have many things I could improve upon, but I am so proud of where I am now. Shane’s video was triggering, but I needed to watch it to remind myself that: 1. I don’t want to die 2. I don’t want to be skeletal 3. I don’t want the people around me to fear for my life 4. I want to enjoy life, enjoy food, and just be happy 5. I am so much more than this body. I have passions, dreams, fears, goals, just like any other person.

If you think you can handle it, I recommend watching Shane’s video because it does shed a little light into the mind of someone with an eating disorder and how they can twist your life and perception. If you read all the way through this, thank you so much. Maybe this helped you, I’m not sure. But I’m glad I have this outlet to share my feelings and personal accounts, if for nothing else, than to just get these feelings off my chest; I don’t even care if no one reads this. But anyway, please know that my messages are always open if you’re struggling or you wanna talk or you need advice or even you just wanna send memes and gifs. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day.

[carco5a]

(ed tw)

good morning everyone. heres a less cryptic and rambling update than my posts from the otehr night (though if you think about it those posts definitely explain everything im about to say!) : mid august insurance booted me from iop (which is the step down four day a week three hour evening program thats supposed to transition into being fully outpatient). about two weeks ago i finally got readmitted to the program. two days ago the program director told me that in her clinical opinion iop is not only not the right level of care for me but is actually maybe harmful, and that she could tell that i had pretty much fully stopped eating outside of the meal eaten at iop (she was right of course), and she recommended that i return to idp (which is the 7 day like all day thing. food daycare). she said “i know your last idp experience sucked but this is a different location. i dont expect you to learn any new skills because i know you know all this shit already but because of your nutrition youre not in a place mentally where you can rationally access them. im recommending this for the meal support primarily.” i told her id think about it. i didnt get to think about it for very long -- this morning i have a medical appointment to clear me for idp and then i may start that program as soon as today or tomorrow. i feel guilty, stupid, and broke. when i go back to idp i will be able to work in a perfect world only 2-3 shifts a week and they wouldnt even be full shifts. i dont really know what i will do financially. that is something that i am going to have to figure out. i told her to give me a month to work full time and save a little and she said with the way im behaving she couldnt professionally ethically make that recommendation. 

tldr im still in treatment, im not doing well, im still trying things, maybe going tback to a closer to full time program is what i need right now

p.s. she told me after idp as much as shed love me back in her own iop group she thinks i should go to another program, which is slightly outside the cities, and which has a trauma-informed/trauma-focused dual diagnosis eating disorder-mood disorder iop program which she thinks would help me more. so like. great. thats something to panic about later. 

THUS ENDS THE UPDATE ON FOOD WAR 2019

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

[troyplaysbass]

We’ll Grow Stronger Making Room and Sharing Space: 2019 In Review

It’s the end of the year and the end of the decade (more on the latter in this post). It’s the time for me to reflect on the year and think too much about lists. Some things will never change.

Music I Worked On This Year

Jeff Schaller and the Long Way Home - “Younger Years” (guitar, recording, mixing, mastering)

Apocalypse Quest - Paradoxes (mixing, mastering)

Sloth Hands - Vacation’s Over (mastering)

Apocalypse Quest - “Mediocre Boys” (recording, mixing, mastering)

Flora Self - “Didn’t See It Coming” (bass, recording, mixing, mastering)

Pelafina - “Blue and Gold” (guitar)

Apocalypse Quest - “CEO Blood” (recording, mixing, mastering)

Apocalypse Quest - ERBA (recording, mixing, mastering)

My Favorite Albums of 2019

I’ve had a one-sentence review of my number one album, Breakup Season by Future Teens, in my head for a few months: If I had heard this when I was seventeen, I might have been a better person. That sounds hyperbolic, but I haven’t been able to shake the idea. I know I could have used this album as a teenager. It’s so honest and introspective about heartbreak and sadness and dealing with those emotions in healthy ways. I’m so happy that a band like Future Teens exists. I’m jealous of the kid that hears Breakup Season this year and connects to it like I connected to The Upsides. Future Teens will be that kid’s first favorite band, the soundtrack to their formative years, their inspirations and role models. I keep likening this album to The Upsides, probably the single most influential album on my past ten years. It feels like a torch-passing at the end of the decade, and it’s all the more apt because I saw Future Teens open for the Wonder Years in October.

The rest of my list feels as varied as my year, spanning genre and scope from emo debuts to the biggest pop artist in the world. As always, I think there’s a lot to love on this list, so pick something and give it a spin.

Future Teens - Breakup Season

Charly Bliss - Young Enough

Pedro the Lion - Phoenix

The Menzingers - Hello Exile

The Mountain Goats - In League With Dragons

Jimmy Eat World - Surviving

Taylor Swift - Lover

Origami Angel - Somewhere City

The Get Up Kids - Problems

Telethon - Hard Pop

Proper. - I Spent the Winter Writing Songs About Getting Better

Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties - Routine Maintenance

Ceres - We Are a Team

Oso Oso - Basking In the Glow

Better Oblivion Community Center - Better Oblivion Community Center

The Dangerous Summer - Mother Nature

Somos - Prison On a Hill

Dave Hause - Kick

American Football - LP3

Bruce Springsteen - Western Stars

Junius Paul - Ism

The Maine - You Are OK

Nervus - Tough Crowd

Great Grandpa - Four of Arrows

Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

My Favorite EPs of 2019

Better Love - All I Ever Wanted Is To Be Where You Are

Mineral - One Day When We Are Young

Ruston Kelly - Dirt Emo, Volume 1

Rat Tally - When You Wake Up

Bosley Jr - No More

My Favorite Songs of 2019

Here’s a playlist on Apple Music and Spotify of songs I loved this year. It’s vaguely in order (at least the top ten or so).

My Favorite Shows of 2019

I went to 63 shows this year, 35 of which I played. Here were my favorites. These were all great, but the John K. Samson show is a contender for my all-time favorite performance. He doesn’t tour much, so make it a priority to see him if you have the chance.

John K. Samson and Christine Fellows - 11/23 at Beat Kitchen

The Wonder Years, Future Teens - 10/20 at Metro

Ruston Kelly - 11/1 at Thalia Hall

Mineral - 1/24 at Lincoln Hall

Pedro the Lion - 5/18 at The Castle Theater

Jacob Sigman, Jetty Bones - 3/29 at Beat Kitchen

The Sidekicks, Adult Mom - 7/7 at Subterranean

Spanish Love Songs - 5/19 at Cobra Lounge

Los Campesinos! - 7/6 at West Fest

We Were Promised Jetpacks - 7/13 at Bottom Lounge

My Favorite Podcasts of 2019

Two Headed Girl is the best new podcast I listened to this year. It’s a chronicle of gender dysphoria, transitioning, and marriage. Hosts Alex and Matthew Cox are unflinching in their honesty with each other about their lives, health, and feelings. It’s kind of amazing that they recorded all of this and are willing to share such a personal journey with the world.

Elsewhere in the podcast world, two of my favorite long-running podcasts hit new highs in 2019. On episode 102 of Reconcilable Differences, “Preparing the Way,” John Siracusa buys a refrigerator. The two-hour chronicle of this harrowing adventure is everything I love about the podcast format. And The Watch, Chris Ryan and Andy Greenwald’s twice weekly talk about movies and TV, transitioned from purely critique to a behind the scenes look at making a TV show as Andy called in from the set and editing room of his upcoming show, Briarpatch.

Finally, I’ll recommend Michael Lewis’s Against the Rules, a meticulously researched exploration of societal rules and the people who make and enforce them. Unlike the long-running conversational shows I typically like, the tight format and high production value make Against the Rules feel more like an audio book.

My Favorite Books of 2019

As usual, I read very few new releases this year, but the few I did read were fantastic: Hanif Abdurraqib’s latest poetry collection, A Fortune For Your Disaster, Mark Z. Danielewski’s children’s book for all ages, The Little Blue Kite, and Mischa Pearlman’s One Day When We Are Young, a retrospective on the emo band Mineral and a companion piece to their first new music in over twenty years.

The best book I read this year, regardless of release date, was The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.

My Favorite Television of 2019

I started 2019 with the vague goal of “keeping up” with TV, but I quickly realized that’s impossible. There’s just too much great TV. With that in mind, I just want to highlight a few of my favorite shows of the year, all remarkable for very different reasons, which also happen to be short and digestible.

Fleabag - Season 2

A tour de force of emotion and energy, every episode left me thinking that writer / producer / star Phoebe Waller-Bridge might be the most talented person alive.

Watchmen

Every frame of this show is immaculate. I’m a longtime defender of the endings of Lost and The Leftovers so I had confidence in Damon Lindelof and his team to pull this sequel/remix, and my expectations were still far exceeded.

When They See Us

Ava Duvernay’s docu-drama about the Central Park Five is a heart-wrenching examination of injustice. The opening sequence alone is worth the price of a Netflix subscription.

Chernobyl

A different kind of bleak docu-drama, set on the opposite side of the world as When They See Us, Chernobyl is equal parts moving, gruesome, frustrating, and deeply sad.

And I can’t leave the TV section without giving a shout to Baby Yoda on The Mandalorian, constant cause of delighted squeals (both Liesi’s and mine) every time he’s on screen.

My Favorite Movies of 2019

As always, I'm very behind on movies at the end of year, but Knives Out is a masterpiece. 1. Knives Out 2. Marriage Story 3. The Irishman 4. Booksmart 5. Midsommar 6. The Report 7. Toy Story 4 8. Us 9. Dolemite Is My Name 10. High Life

Next Year

I haven’t made a formal new year’s resolution in quite a few years, but I do have some plans for 2020.

Pelafina will be releasing a new EP in the next couple months. More on that very soon.

The Long Way Home are deep in the process of recording our next album. That will hopefully be out later in the spring.

I didn’t make a single blog post this year, and I want to change that. I don’t have a clear structure in mind, but I just want to write more.

I’m going to listen to more jazz.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[anastasiaskarsgard]

so theres my masterlist for previous chapters. Here is the newest part of 

HIS QUEEN

4

NSFW 18 + mention of death, butchering, sex, some stuff that may freak ya out. its Roman Godfrey 

DESCRIPTION***** Briana could tell Roman Godfrey was trouble from the start, but he eventually got under her skin and broke her heart. Just when she feels like she’s moved on, his lawyers show up and tell her shes his sole beneficiary. with pryce and the board dead too, what serets does the white tower hold?

                                                         4 The reality of the shit show that apparently had gone down in the past month in Hemlock Grove,  was starting to sink in as they made their way down to the underground levels. The Godfrey Institute without any Godfreys', and no Dr Pryce, seemed an impossibility. Bri had a lot of respect for the late doctor, but the man was ruthless, with little to no sympathy for the dead. A lot of people said they were afraid of him, but she felt that wasn't the proper emotion dr pryce inspired. Fear wasn't the right word if she were honest. He was charming and charismatic, but it was all superficial. Uneasy was the best way to describe how he made her feel, even though she had counted him as a friend.

The doors opened to Basement three which was the lowest level of the underground floors, and was essentially an enormous freezer. When you stepped out of the elevators there was a great hallway stretching to your left and right, as well as straight ahead. There were five aisles of freezers, each varying levels of cold storage from near freezing temperatures for keeping medications and organs, freezing temps for cadavers of people and animals, all the way down to a cryogenic freezer cooled with pure liquid helium. The fact it even existed was mind boggling to Bri.

This wasn't the first time she had been down there. she'd been down there several times, but she never had turned right, so when Blitzkey turned right and proceeded all the way down to the furthest aisle, she was elated. She'd never been allowed to go right, and she'd always been curious what was so forbidden, especially when she thought about the crazy things she'd been allowed to see.

Dr Pryce had some deal with a few hospitals to get the bodies that are given up for science by family members, or those that were never claimed. It was actually shocking the amount of cadavers they processed and were used in Dr Pryces' controversial macabre experiments. Bri often wondered if the families of these corpses would be mortified if they discovered what had happened to them. She couldn't refer to them as loved ones, or even people or she felt sick.

She had to figure that out after a few times dealing with "processing." She'd always been very respectful of the dead. Handling them with extra care and consideration, because they had once had hopes and dreams. They had family and friends somewhere that were most likely mourning them, the least she could do, was be reverent. Since the bodies they received weren't ever going to be seen again, and there was little to no accountability with how they were treated, they would be hacked to pieces like a cow in a  butcher shop. Sometimes they might only need a certain part, and send the rest through the shredder. There'd also been more than one occasion where the deceased was obviously murdered but showed no signs of an autopsy. That was what had lead Bri to discover Romans secret.

From the first day she met Roman, she had known there was something about him that wasn't human. She was thinking it was a severe personality disorder like psychopathy or he was one of those people that had special genes that made them have  super powers. She had read that some people only require two or three hours of sleep a night, or there are people that have unbreakable bones, or even those that have super hearing or eyesight. She thought Roman was super attractive, and it just fucked up his personality somehow.

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr Pryce had mysteriously received a body quite late in the day, and asked her and a lab teh to take it down. Bri was shocked when she touched the person and they were still warm, but she rolled the body to the elevators, keeping an eye out to avoid Roman. She'd asked her partner to warn her if she spotted him so she could hide. She felt ridiculous, but she knew he was trouble, because for whatever reason if he wanted to talk to her, she couldn't say no. even when he asked her out, over and over and she said no, for some reason, she couldn't walk away until he had given up. her partner spotted him when they got down to the freezers, so in Bri's panic, she hid on the shelf under the bed they were rolling, hidden by the hanging sheet. Roman walked right up and offered to take the body from there. Bri found it entirely unusual for the spoiled CEO to be so helpful, but was reassured business was as usual when her partner tried to refuse, and he called her a fuckwit and made her go back upstairs. Bri wasn't freaked out, but more annoyed with what an asshole he had been, but she figured she would just climb out from under there, when he left.

When he rolled the body in the freezer, she assumed he would leave, except he didnt. He closed the door and removed the sheet, now leaving her totally visible if he were to step away and look below.  She was trying to think of a reasonable explanation, when she heard a grotesque chomping, wet slurping sound. The possible causes of these sounds raced through her brain, and none of them made any sense. Her fear melted away, transforming into morbid curiosity so she crawled out from under the bed and turned to see what he was up to.

The breath in her lungs hitched and her stomach did back flips when she beheld Roman Godfrey, the Beautiful Boy Billionaire sucking someones blood. His eyes were closed, so he hadn't noticed her yet, as he was clamped down on this persons neck and sucking the blood out. It was the most puzzling amazing thing she had ever seen. He was absolutely drinking this persons blood and she had so many questions.

Romans bright green eyes lazily opened, before noticing a figure standing in front of him, causing him to leap back in complete panic;  eyes wild, blood dripping down his chin, frantically back peddalling until slamming into the far wall.

Bri glanced at the body and then carefully approached Roman, avoiding looking in his eyes since she read that you don't do that to predators. And there was something funny about what happened when he wanted her to do something.

"Its not what it looks like," he whined.

"Oh Roman, it's exactly what it looks like. Are you a vampire?"

"Are you a fucktard? There's no such thing as vampires."

"I did notice that you ate raw pork once and you didn't get ill. I found that strange. All the meat you eat is raw, and I wondered how you never appeared to fall ill."

"Look me in the eye Bri."

"oh no no Dracula. I finally get how you somehow talk me into shit that I don't want to do! You have that vampire razzle dazzle bullshit."

"are you hearing yourself right now?" Roman scoffed as he walked over to Bri,

She tried to appear confident and was surprised that she felt no fear, but somehow she KNEW he would not hurt her. He put his finger under her chin, attempting to make her look at him, but she shut her eyes. "Just answer some of my questions Roman. for science for fuck's sake!"

"You are so weird. Aren't you afraid I'll eat you if I am a vampire?" he spit with such venom, that Bri just started swinging, with her eyes shut. "what the hell? your eyes aren't even open!"

"I don't like your bitch ass tone!" she steamed

If she had had her eyes open, she would of seen the big grin on Roman's face.

"How are you still a brat? Most people would be having a fucking shit fit, but you wanna play twenty questions."

"Oh my fucking god, I get twenty!? Ok ok ok. I'm ready!"

"I don't mean literally twenty questions, that's an expression. Why should I answer any questions for you, what do I get out of it?"

"I will go out with you, but you have to promise to be honest or I will be able to tell and I'll never speak to you again."

"What makes you think you'll even leave this room if I'm a vampire and now you know?'

Bri opened her big beautiful eyes, looking deep into Romans emerald orbs and said with complete conviction "You'd never hurt me."

Roman was so enchanted by the way she seemed to be looking at his very soul, that he forgot to try and compel her, before she remembered to close her eyes again.

"OOOOHHH! You almost got me with the mind ninja shit!"

Roman laughed and shook his head, he was so drawn to this woman, she was almost like a drug to him. He'd never wanted someone or something as bad as he wanted her so he threw caution to the wind. "Ok. First question."

"Are you some sort of vampire?"

"I'm actually an Upir which is like a vampire."

"ok, two, How can you walk in the sun?"

"The sun doesn't bother us, I think thats just bullshit."

"three. How old are you really?"

"I'm really eighteen."

"Four. Are you going to get old and die like me?"

"No. We live a very long time?"

"Five. How did you become this?"

"I was born with it and I took my own life?"

Bri frowned, she hadn't been expecting that. It turned her stomach and made her want to comfort him. She reached out blindly trying to find him but he moved just out of reach. "Dammit Roman where are you?"

"Im right here, what are you doing?"

"trying to comfort you, What does it look like? Give me your hand." she huffed.

Roman complied and interlaced his fngers with hers.

"Ok. Six--"

"you mean eight."

"What?How?"

"there's eight and nine. six you asked where i was. seven you asked what does it look like. eight you asked what, and nine you asked how."

"you are fucking impossible. I can feel you smirking too so stop it.' she said squeezing his hand as hard as she could.

"you're so cute when you're mad babe."

"Ok ten! Did you know killing yourself was gong to turn you into this?"

"No."

"Eleven.... Why would you ever do that Roman?"

"I felt like it was the only way to beat my mother. She wanted me to do the unthinkable, so rather than listen to her, I thought I'd fuck up her plans and die."

"Is she an Upir?"

"She is."

"Thirteen. I gotta keep track here. Did you know she was one?"

"No i Did not."

"How am I already at fourteen? FUCK!"

"Number fifteen..."

"Dammit! Ugh. OK only five more. Must not be dumb ok. Fifteen. Have you ever killed anyone?"

"yes."

"Did bitch have it coming?"

Roman let out a belly laugh and said "Yes always."

Bri Smiled. "If I open my eyes, are you going to mind ninja me?" silence. "Roman if i have to repeat the question, it still only counts as one."

"I mean I have to Bri. I cant have you knowing this about me and then just act like its ok. And you're right, I won't hurt you so I have to make you forget."

"Please don't Roman." She said pulling Roman into an embrace. "I want to kiss you, but you have blood on your face."

"You are the weirdest fucking girl in the entire world."

Bri Giggled, "Why? And holy shit its cold!"

"Ok this is number eighteen. Because I have had lunch with you a million times, bought you a bunch of gifts, wrote you notes, listen to you talk about shit I do not give a flying fuck about and even be nice to people, i mean i literally did for you what i didnt think i could do, and you won't give me the time of day, but all of a sudden I am literally eating someone and you wanna kiss me. Fucking unbelievable!"

"Its because I feel like I can trust you now. Why didnt you just mind ninja me into going out with you or maybe even fucking you, I dont know the limits of this power."

"Because I want it to be genuine and i want you to remember it cuz i want you to..." silence.

"You want me to....." Bri whispered feeling his hot breath on her face. She looks up into hs big green eyes, and notice the extra moisture there. Its downright comical, that he somehow looks vulnerable with blood all over his face.

"I want you to love me."

"This is all you're fault Roman Godfrey!

"Whats my fault?' He brought his lips close to hers, as his breath ghosted along her lips, causing the shivers to run down her spine. She leaned forward and their lips met, making her feel relief and revulsion simultaneously. Roman responds with a low growl and turns his head to take the kiss deeper. He sucks on her lower lip, causing a needy moan to escape Bri as she rakes her hands through his hair. Roman grabs her by her shoulders and spins her around so now she is pinned against the wall. He kisses along her jawline, to her ear and she can't help but to hold her breath when she feels his wet tongue drag down her throat. He pulls her shirt down taking her nipple in his mouth as he looks up at her and she can't think of a time she ever wanted someone more. "This is dangerous."

"You'd never hurt me. But real talk, I'm fucking freezing."

With a great amount of effort, Roman pulls himself off of her out of breath, and nearly mad with need. "Go straight to my office. I'll meet you up there."

She runs for the door, realizing she is violently shaking without Romans warm body pressed up against her. She opens it, looking outside to make sure no one is in the hall. Coast is clear for her to hustle into the bathroom, just as she hears the elevator doors open. She looks in the mirror and surprisingly is fine with her reflection. Blood is all over her face, neck, and blouse and her hair looks like someone took it half apart. She had his large handprint on her arms and the entire side of her head. She knows this should be freaking her out, but she keeps looking at his bloody hand prints, and decides then and there, she is his.

                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She realized she had been holding her breath when she walked in the cooler, and startled Blitzky when she finally expelled it. Roman hadnt been put away, and was on a stainless steel table, completely nude, with what appeared to be his heart (or what was left of it) on the table next to his head. His throat had been ripped open and there was a large chest wound where his heart had been ripped out, before being chewed and spit out. He had suffered some type of skeletal breaks as well, since his position appeared unnatural.

He was really dead, she was alone. she could feel the tears streaming down her face, making no effort to hide it. Every second feels as though she's losing touch with reality. Pure panic setting in.

"Wow this is really not fixable is it?' she shrieks, in a voice she doesn't even recognize.

"There's actually something else we could try that not exactly ethical, and i"m not sure that he will still be himself, but will not judge you, no matter what you try. I will assist you, I just can't make the decision." Blitzky said, hands visibly shaking like a dog shitting peach pits.

Bri's heart flutters and she calms instantly, hope reignited in her "Anything."

" Well I am sure you are aware there are three levels to the basement."

"Obviously."

"Except its not. there's four levels."

"What is he hiding down there?"

Blitzkey looked like he was having a minor panic attack and couldn't hold still or catch his breath. Bri walked over comforting him, and rubbing his back trying to get him to get it under control. she allowed him to embrace her as she tenderly rubbed his back. She wanted to know what the fuck was down there, but he had been through a lot, so she tried to be as empathetic as possible.

"Its his stock." he whispered.

Bri felt her stomach twist in a knot. A chill ran up her spine, and she wanted to believe he wasn't talking about live donors, but she couldn't think any other type of stock that required top secret secret locations.

"When you say stock, do you mean donor parts or experimental projects?"

Blitzky laughed uncomfortably, reaching up and itching the back of his neck. In the time she had spent with him before, she recognized it as his nervous tick. "I mean donors are the best way to put it, although all these donors are still alive. Dr Pryce liked to have live subjects for some projects. He was also very interested in becoming an Upir himself so he'd never die and was determined to figure out how to turn a human. He has several of them down there still and i have no idea what to do with them now. They're all criminals and not the types to let out into the world. He made sure they were all loathsome beings. The humans are easier to deal with than the Upir. One of them looks like he's just a beautiful teen boy, but hes a psychopath that's killed hundreds if not thousands. Let me just show you. I'm rambling," "Please do." Bri said, gesturing for him to lead the way. She couldn't believe how calm she was being over this. Why was she not surprised? "Do you think we could rebuild Roman?"

Blitzkey motioned for her to follow him as they walked all the way ro the farthest right corner, where the cryogenic freezer was. I had heard there was one somewhere in the building, but it was kind of a myth no one saw and here it was. I was trying to ascertain how the liquid helium was cycled through the system, when Blitzkey typed a code in it, revealing it was in reality an elevator in disguise.

"That's kind of disappointing. I thought it was a real cryo cooler." Bri said. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine! Are you ok?"

"I'll let you know when we get down there."