#i feel hideous
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the last morning I will ever struggle through hungover
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My doctor-friend called me overweight and said I should go on ozempic, and it honestly sucks how much it's put me in a downer. When medical professionals say it, it just hurts me more.
#vent#weight#weight loss#doctor#fat#overweight#i feel hideous#medical#just fuck#depressed#anxious#he's right but fuck him to hell#ed#food#body image#size#diet culture#hurt#upset#ozempic#weight loss drugs#saxenda#meds#eating disorders
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I feel so stupid for sobbing over not being "good enough"
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"If the original novel had given this thing more than ten words of description, there was no way he wouldn’t have remembered!"
#svsss#shen qingqiu#zhuzhi lang#sqq#zzl#is this a ship? do they have a ship tag?#anyway i'm just feeling slightly obsessed with the dynamic of:#ZZL: i am a strange hideous creature [derogatory] vs SQQ: that's a strange hideous creature [affectionate]#@mikkeneko thank you! i'm glad you like his design! bc man am i ever having fun drawing this snake boy#expect more in the future#my art#you know when it comes to mdzs/tgcf i'm pretty solidly ''yes i like the main ship no i refuse to entertain any variations on it''#whereas so far in svsss i'm team ''throw 'em all in a blender hit puree and see what comes flying out''#specifically i think sqq deserves an unwitting harem and i will rotate every bizarre dynamic that spins off that in my head#zhushen
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human al
#honestly dont know what to feel with this one#like- i like it....#but its also foking hideous#went through the 5 stages of grief ngl#had me almost ripping my hair out cuz I AM NOT satisfied with this#AT ALL#but i didn't want to delete it cuz this sketch went through war before i gave up#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel fanart#hazbin fanart#alastor#alastor fanart#human alastor#radio demon#radio demon fanart#my artwork#my art#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin x reader#alastor x reader
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Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#About: Dead Apple. Watched this a while ago with a friend and it was a lot of fun!!!#If you're reading this: thank you so much for hanging out with me I had such a good time (ㅅ´ ˘ )♡#Next to general considerations: wow they were right that Bungou Stray Dogs movie sure can Bungou Stray Dogs#It's always nice to see the detailed animation and elaborate backgrounds of movies. The animation quality compared to the manga is–#definitely noticeable and it's nice to see. That said... I still like the season 2 art style more? And I'm speaking strictly of art style.#The s2 one looks more soft and smooth while the da one is so much more rough.#The plot is... Very bsd-esque I don't think there's anything to add.#In my opinion Kyouka's arc is the one that turned out best tbh. I really like her narrative development and personal growth in this movie.#I like the complexity of her state of mind. how full of contradiction she is. I especially appreciate the recurring small changes of–#expression that indicate how she thinks differently from Atsushi even if she doesn't voice them. The fight between her cynicism and her–#kind nature. It's all very interesting.#Atsushi's development is interesting too. Although all the open questions about his ability we still have kind of leave me frustrated#I don't feel very strongly about Akutagawa in this movie? I mean‚ he's there. The ss/kk scenes are always great and in character and a joy–#to witness no matter what they do. He just doesn't shine particularly? Or at least personally I dont find the “proving my strength against–#myself” narrative arc to be particularly interesting. Imo it was a lot better flashed out in the da stage play! With the complexity that–#the dialogues with Chuuya added to the character. Dazai attacking him. And especially Aktgw understanding that Rashomon wasn't testing Aktg#but rather only expressing that unstoppable rage that is also Aktgw's own. About that I checked out the play and I really liked it!!#I only watched highlights (aka: ss/kk and chuu/aku scenes) but there's some stuff I really like. I like the conflict between Aktgw and–#Chuuya and how Chuuya messes up with Aktgw at first maliciously and then amiably. It's interesting how Atsushi himself observes that Kyouka#and Akutagawa get along. And especially the sskk almost-handholding and Atsushi saying Akutagawa has a nice profile were cute akjdhbsawhjb#Next. Da really is shipping paradise (╥﹏╥) Sorry but... It is. oda/zai. daz/atsu. ss/kk. s/kk. fuku/mori. chuu/aku. It really has everythin#and the moments are so good!!!! What else. Wish we'd see more of Tsujimura. And Christie. And women in general tbh.#Also‚‚‚‚‚ Atsushi's tiger form in this movie is ATROCIOUS. I've said it before but it's crazy how a franchises that relies so heavily on–#fanservice came up with something this hideous. Man the movie overall was pretty but Atsushi sure wasn't. Firmly stand by the belief–#that only Akutagawa would find that form attractive.#Oh last note. honestly if we're ready to accept a movie where an antidote has effect AFTER the person has effectively died then we really–#can't complain about any kind of insanity the manga brings up#random rambles
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<3 happy v-day from ashace
I LIKE TO THINK THAT TYE ONOY TIME ASHI CAN REALLY DRESS UP IS WHENEVER ACE INVS HER TO TEND TO THE HEDGEHOGS W HIM…… so she slays because RARE OCCASION TO DRESS UP and Ace is whatever about it 🫶 till he realizes that the v-day date he’s got planned starts off w hedgehog duty and he’s don’t got any slay pink clothes and so <3 cay-kun comes to the rescue
#acey’s fit is hideous but I think it slays in its own way <3#I THINK THEYRE SO CUTE THO……#he thinks it can’t be THAT bad but ashi laughs WAY too much at his getup and suddenly he feels a little embarrassed#it’s okie tho cuz she loves fedoras and leopard print#ashipiko draws ♪#ashace#ashi tamadai#ace trappola#twst#twst oc x canon#twst oc#twisted wonderland#twst wonderland#disney twst#twst yuu#twst fanart#twst ace#twst yume#cater diamond
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Redraw :)
Abyss group photo
Iykyk um please don’t find the old one
#princezam#mapicc#pentar#JumperWho#baconnwaffles0#lifesteal fanart#redrawn bc I actually hate it so fucking much#this is a challenge by my friend to draw an entire drawing with only one brush#pretty cool#fun challenge#I don’t wanna post the old one#the old is on twt tho and in mapicc’s vid#honestly I didn’t care that much until I saw the mapicc video and it’s actually hideous#the better one can be on tumblr#I wasn’t gonna post it but like seeing the video I just can’t#kinda rushed so it’s a bit wonky#don’t feel like fixing it tho#anyways I’m done ranting#illi
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I made myself a cookie! I mean, I already am Cookie, but now I am a cookie-
Also just decided to make myself work in the cake shop because I like baking and I do have experience with working with kids-
#very plain design but ya know. it's me.#my art#cookie run#cookie run kingdom#cookie run oc#kinda?? technically???#more like a#cookiesona#but ya know :>#I'm feeling horrible right now but thank goodness I can do this thing called pretending#and none of you can see my hideous facceeee
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if you're still taking requests, maybe yin yu? thanks!
Hi hello thank you for your request! Here you go yin yu the sad boy the depressed fellow who lives in my pocket
#heaven official's blessing#yin yu#tgcf#we actually have two yin yu requests so mb ill think about his design more#next time#for some reason his mask is hideous#idk what i feel about this#but he is fun to draw#requests
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they should invent a kind of breaking out that doesnt make you feel like the most horrid disgusting untouchable creature to ever shamble on two legs
#these arent things id think or say of another person but when its me i feel so hideous its the worst#PMS is the actual devil
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Hi Becca! I would literally die for you blog. It’s my go to any time I need some good self care😉. You’re incredibly talented!
But I’ve had this idea bouncing around in my head. It boils down to just Bucky and cock warming. Like the reader is on him begging for more but he is just having way to much fun playing with their clit to start moving. Making them cum on him with out thrusting once.
Just an idea I thought you might like. I love you work, have a great day!!
I'm really glad you've been enjoying my stuff so much!! That's so sweet!💗 and I keep getting told I can get ✨filthier✨ so I'd love to mess with this is little bit
Because I love the thought of Bucky making you start off with a dildo that's just a little bit smaller in size than he is. Maybe one of those dildos with a suction cup on the bottom so it's stuck on a wooden chair.
"Good girl, take it all." He encourages, kneeling between your legs, watching your cunt greedily swallow the toy. It's a sight he doesn't often get to see and he's really not sure why he doesn't make a point of watching it more often.
You whine quietly, feeling the toy bottom out. Your ass makes contact with the cool, varnished wood beneath you and you can't help but roll your hips a little, enjoying the feeling of the tip rubbing against your velvety walls.
"If I wanted you to fuck yourself on that, I'd tell you to. Did I tell you to?" Bucky's voice has a sharp edge that almost knocks you out of your daze.
"N-no... But-" You begin, trying to justify your movement but he cuts you off.
"No. So don't. I want you to keep your cunt stuffed and take what I give you." He watches up at you as he presses your knees apart, keeping his eyes on your face until he can't bare it anymore.
You gasp quietly at the feeling of his hot breath on your exposed, slick sex and there's nothing you can do but whimper at the feeling of his tongue gently grazing your clit.
Fuck, it's good. It's not long before he's licking you like he's starving, lapping and sucking gently on your clit before forcing your legs wider apart to lick your arousal from the base of the toy.
"Bucky, please. Please let me move." You didn't mean to sound so pathetic but with each lick, you get closer and closer to an orgasm you won't be able to stop. An orgasm you've been warned you're not allowed to have.
You're almost surprised he takes pity on you, giving you permission to get off the toy. He removes it from the chair and sits down in it's place, offering his cock as a replacement.
You sit back down as you had earlier with your back to his chest but you can't help but feel amazed at how much better his dick feels. He's slightly bigger and while that's nice, nothing beats the way he throbs inside you and the hot, breathy groans against your ear at the feeling of your body taking all of him.
"Such a good girl." He smirks against your neck, littering your skin with kisses between his soft praises. You feel one of his hands on your chin, gently directing you to look to your right, over in the direction of the full length mirror.
The reflection you're looking at makes your walls flutter involuntarily because fuck, you really are stuffed full of his cock and he's making sure you're not able to fully enjoy it yet.
With one hand still holding your head in place, making sure you keep watching, Bucky's free hand trails down between your legs, flicking and rubbing your clit again.
"Oh f-fuck." You whine, watching Bucky's smirk widen. You can't sit still. You just can't. You want to grind your hips and take what you need and in that moment, his pleasure and all the instructions he's given you come second. You need to get off, consequences be damned.
"Don't even fucking think about it." He warns, delivering one harsh slap to your clit. It's not overly hard but it's enough to shock you. "You know you're not allowed to cum. I want to feel this pretty pussy dripping first. Don't worry though. Once you're wet and messy enough, I'll fuck you stupid on the carpet, right in front of the mirror. Want you to watch yourself cum so hard you forget your own name."
#asks answered <3#anon#becca writes spice#Bucky Barnes x reader smut#Bucky Barnes smut#I was so close to writing this with Steve instead of a toy#I had the first class of the year for my LLM last thursday besties#and my lecturer called me 'Rachel' at one point#I couldn't help but laugh#I was DREADING that class#who schedules a class from 10am to 4pm??#that's hideous#But I went early and I got chatting to my lecturer#I'd never met her before and we were the only two in the room#so I was honest when she asked how I was feeling about the semester#cause I was ANXIOUS but she was lovely about it#and by the end of the class I'd made a few friends 🥺#so my big panic on Wednesday night was all for nothing#will I learn anything from that?? Probably not.#I'll still be terrified the night before my next class for no reason
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WOE RANDOMNESS BE UPON YE!!!!!! MORE ART COMING SOON!!! *cue manical laughter*
Context about murder chicken in this video (timestap at 6:47 - 6:56)
Man I love the stance I give her (plot twist: she's the hidden boss lol)
#this is tugs#cmon narroz! GO! TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL!!!#zorculillie#lunarfeat’s art#tugs zorran#tugs hercules#tugs humanized#tugs lillie#tugs billy shoepack#ignore the hideous braids (i'm never good with them)#tugs sunshine#*glancing over the distance*#oh what is this? It's me going insane from the wips I accumulated#at least I had fun with Billy lol#bigg city port
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#the quality is shit#but whatever#i feel bad for putting misa in the annoying category but i literally didn't know where else to put her#sorry queen <3#also did i chose the most hideous picture of light on purpose? yes#death note#l lawliet#light yagami#misa amane#death note mello#mihael keehl#death note matt#mail jeevas#ryuk death note#near death note#nate river#beyond birthday#hope that at least someone finds this funny •_•
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I havent been feeling very self confident lately so here’s some old photos where i felt hot
#me#my face#i miss my short hair#my roots are so grown out right now and it makes me feel hideous lol
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I love reading your analyzing of Coyle. I wondered if you had any thoughts on his sexuality? (I mean I have a damn spread sheet myself, but you're so much better at words and really great at psychoanalyzing lol). I've described him as being "the straightest gay man I've ever seen" to a few people now and eventually the "get" it.
(CW: discussions of canon typical sexual and racial violence, slavery, internalized homophobia, domestic violence and femicide. One of the linked videos also discusses fascism using disturbing transphobic rhetoric as an example.)
Thank you for your kind words, it’s really nice to know my ramblings are resonating with someone! Discussion should be allowed to emerge naturally, but I think much of the debate that arose from the revelation of Coyle’s character was removed from the context of the oppressed groups being commented on by the text. I say that mainly in reference to people of color, since the KKK represents a cultural trauma which is inextricably attached to blackness, but the statement applies to queer people as well. That very Klan was almost extinguished in the 1870s until it was revitalized half a century later by a film, of all things: media is obviously important. There’s much more that can be, and to an extent needs to be, said about this story beyond rehashing “it is/is not okay to hornypost about this” ad nauseam.
So let’s get this out of the way: I think Coyle was deliberately being written as queer. The ethics of incorporating LGBT characters in a setting so obsessed with the grotesque are questionable (you can read more perspectives on that here and here,) but I think there was intention behind the decision to depict him this way, whether it's "good representation" or not.
One of his defining traits is that he habitually deploys lewd, effeminate language to intimidate and dehumanize his victims: “alluring piglet,” “honey,” “beautiful/sexy b*tch,” “darling,” “sweet, ripe young things" and the like. You could argue that is solely a degradation tactic rather than a direct indicator of his sexual preference, and he does seem to do it primarily to scare you. But a big part of the horror in Kill the Snitch is that Coyle is very unembarrassed about how much pleasure he gets out of subjecting you to that degradation. (“You lick my boot, maybe I let you up.”) The innuendo he taunts the Reagents with is unaffected by their gender presentation, and The Snitch is a fixed character presented as a cis man who Coyle treats with just as much aggressive leeriness. From there, it's difficult to interpret him as straight.
And since Coyle is one of the main villains of the game, I think I would be remiss if I argued that his bi/pansexuality is a thematically insignificant byproduct of his broader characterization as a sadist. That conclusion certainly presents itself: even if his queerness is loudly implied, it isn’t commented on directly by the text the way other aspects of his character are, like racism and uxoricide. The closest we get to a clear, unmistakable identification of his sexuality comes in the form of his aforementioned attitude towards The Snitch.
While the Reagents are interchangeable grunts, The Oogie Boogie Man Snitch is Coyle's own prisoner, and as such we witness him compound the usual routine of sexualized cruelty with repeated assertions of possession, calling him things like “toy” “mine” and “property” to emphasize a sense of ownership. He comes completely undone when the Reagents electrocute him to death, exploding into thwarted, miserable rage like a kid watching their sandcastle get kicked to shit (“No! FUCKING NO! He was mine!”) and throwing out all of his beliefs at once as this jumbled, fascistic mess; “anarchist pinko fucks” this and “country’s going to shit” that.
Perhaps the most telling line about their dynamic is this one: “Jesus Christ you look like my second wife, you know that? Spittin' image. Woman got me 'bout as hot as Missouri asphalt.” The only time we see how Coyle interacts with people on an even playing field is in the files, when it’s mentioned that he killed two of his fellow soldiers when serving in the army & brutalized a murkoff agent interviewing him. The social dominance he has over people like The Snitch and his wives seems to be the only way he’s capable of conducting interpersonal relationships on a vaguely emotional level. Otherization, fuckability, and the need for corrective shame/subordination are all intertwined in Coyle's head, muddling together to form his notion of natural hierarchy: one which is incoherent, self-serving, and more about appearances than anything else. (“I know what you did. I just need to hear you say it.”)
And the importance placed on appearances isn’t just something that Leland happens to believe. In the era when this game takes place, the electric chair was at peak popularity as a form of “humane” capital punishment: in reality, it was a callous technological repackaging of the methods of execution which came before it, namely the (distinctly racialized) hanging/lynching. These methods were designed to reinforce social hierarchy by staging voyeuristic displays of dehumanization, and were levied with particular barbarism against people of color. There’s a catalog of horror stories I could insert here about white supremacy and the electric chair, but that’s another post entirely. What I want to establish is that:
A. It's easy to interpret The Snitch’s execution (and the Reagent’s forced participation in it) as a symbolic enforcement of Murkoff’s construction of social dominance, akin to capital punishment or lynching/state sponsored terrorism. B. Men like Coyle were categorically responsible for orchestrating executions like the one in the game, and the fact that he gets so angry and addled about it even though he’s ostensibly a follower of their doctrine speaks to the nature of his ideology.
Though a lot of real world topics get touched on by Coyle's dialogue, it certainly isn’t 100% down-to-earth social critique. Many of his lines invite you to laugh at him (“It's hurtful when you disrespect the badge. I have feelings, too”/”Ain't you slicker'n a can of mashed assholes”) and his crimes themselves are, at times, overblown and ridiculous. He's a caricature of institutional violence and injustice, not a straight faced example of it. No, the realistic part of Coyle’s storyline is how the power structures of 1950s America both protected him from consequences and deliberately encouraged him to degenerate. I’ve alluded to this before: it’s one of my favorite things about Trials.
He was sent to military school because of his violent tendencies and joined the marines to avoid investigation after killing his first wife, but once he had the Police Department to shield him his behavior escalated in severity so much so that it attracted the attention of an even worse organization. The process was Military School → Ku Klux Klan → Marines → Police Department → Murkoff. This facet of the story was always there, but the newly released comic really hammers in the point, that Coyle - infantile, nonsensical, vulgarly abusive and utterly unworthy of authority - was never a barely tolerated outlier or a well kept secret within the systems he budded up from. The files directly attach his klan involvement to police work even as he's described as a “good cop:” because there were no good cops in Blackwell, because good cops aren’t real. US Law Enforcement can be traced back to early southern slave patrols, they've had a handshake agreement with the Klan for decades, and you need look no further than the recent Minneapolis Police Department exposé to see how they operate in the modern world - and this game is set sixty years before 2023. Horrifying, yeah?
Understanding cops themselves to be fundamentally immoral and unjust, by the time we meet him in the game, Coyle isn’t even a competent cop in terms of his willingness to enact unjust aims. Yes he is brutal, yes he is racist, yes he clings to the childish, cowardly belief in immutable superiority found in actual modern fascists - but the ouroboros of psychosexual issues driving him to behave the way he does take precedence over his purported devotion to any belief system, to such a degree that he isn’t even acting in explicit defense of an institution anymore. That job, to defend the current institution, is what the Reagents are being trained for: the same ones he deems subhuman and, most tellingly, “perverted.”
One thing that makes Coyle’s whole presence in Kill The Snitch so surreal and disorienting is how manufactured and aimless his job as The Snitch’s defender really is. The man play acts an interrogation of someone who will never see trial, referencing vice squads, courts and elections that are nowhere to be found in the Sinyala facility - even though a different line of his mentions how they “don’t favor courts in these parts.” So, he’s directly contradicting himself. When the Snitch dies, he goes “NO! NO! I'll never... God DAMNIT,” not even finishing his own sentence about what it is he apparently needed The Snitch for.
The man obviously thinks otherwise, but he’s a make-believe cop, a test dummy for trainees to be pitted against ala shencomix’s professional hater. Though nowhere near as disenfranchised, Coyle is a puppet in Murkoff’s trials as much as the Reagents are, all his nasty, grandiose rhetoric ultimately amounting to hot air: and unlike the Reagents, this does not end with him being reborn. He lacks the overarching purpose of eventual service to a greater cause that they have.
And therein lies the self-destroying prophecy inherent to his understanding of reality. You can argue that Coyle is aware (subconsciously or otherwise) that there exists the potential for him to be otherized, and by extension subordinated, for an immutable part of himself which is directly attached to his sexuality and masculinity. I’d be surprised if he wasn't, considering how loudly the prejudices of the culture he arose from are relayed to the audience. The fear that comes from that knowledge gives birth to an obsession with categorism, shame, and “justice:” which he rationalizes as an immutable aspect of reality by connecting it with the natural phenomenon of lightning. (“I used to stand in a storm and watch the lightning strike the plains and I would think, "well there you go." That's justice. Sometimes the finger of God reaches down and touches you. But you never know which finger it is you're gonna get.”)
This leads to violence which he is constantly rewarded for: and because it’s the only viable outlet he has for exercising those very issues which he was trying to avoid confronting in the first place… he overindulges. Loses all interest in presenting the rhetoric coherently, in favor of chasing the immediate release that cruelty provides with ever-increasing vigor. (Funny how he calls the Reagents “dope addicted” too. Mr. Sony VPL strikes again!)
But in the end, Coyle is worthless. He’s a tool, designed to be overcome. It's a similarly symbolic, utilitarian role to that of The Snitch, which potentially feeds into his perverse sense of protectiveness over him, but the people who are coming out the other end of this with a job to do in the real world are the Reagents. People he looks down on, people he terrorizes, people he’s so desperate to bend to his will. He’s like... white chauvinism revealed as senseless, small and disgusting, condemned to chase its own tail & buckle under its own weight no matter how hard it shakes it's fist at the sky.
And in a series so fixated on delusion and the disintegration of the self, the nugget of reality within that was thrilling to see on screen. 10/10, would cringe at again.
#theartof-p#leland coyle#officer coyle#outlast trials#murkoff corporation#I’m feeling a need to include a “the north is awful too” caveat#but I recently found out some relatives had a cross burned on their lawn.#in the urban North. in the 80s.#so it’s probably just my own biases speaking lmao#i’m p sure it doesn’t sound like I’m singling out the rural south here but lmk if you think otherwise#lmk whatever you have to say#anyways. Long live Leland Coyle’s hideous deplorable ass!!!
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