absentsaber
Red Saber.
- f/29/bi/oddity. - [I used to have a long, daunting list of all my disorder-diagnosis'. But succinctly: Anxiety, Depression, Autism]. [I'm vegan; I love dogs like nothing else in this world; driving makes me happy; I'm a vivid dream-walker nightly; empathy defines me; and I really love the colour blue]. [Weirdness is rad, and bravery is my thing. I have a hero complex. A little too addicted to benzo's as well]. [Got just the right amount of curious & cocky to shield off my demons and make friends with the scary things. Best survival tip to offer: be open. see the trio of beauty/ humour/ tragedy in everything]. [Currently, my subconscious life is a lot more involved than my physical life. Psychotherapy anchors me. Books keep me company]. P.s. Be Audacious as Fuck.
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Joined a dating app🙈 yikes
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Protecting my energy.
#vent#protection#energy#self worth#mental health#trauma#disappointed i missed an opportunity but a hard choice had to be made
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I really wasted my twenties. I wanted to experiment and explore my feelings, figure out what I like and make the most of that time-period where there aren't such heavy expectations to know how to 'adult' yet. Everyone is in free-fall in their twenties.
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Now I'm 29 with just a year left of it, and while I didn't expect myself to magically have my shit together as I approach 30 ...I did think I would have at least done MORE exploration and tried more things.
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I feel at such a cross-road where I simultaneously want to invest my energy into building up long-term life things/relationships/etc ...but I also desperately want to experiment before settling down into the first thing to come around that feels comfortable. I'm frozen though and don't know how to play catch up (or even begin anywhere).
And every time I meet someone my age I fancy romantically, they're leagues ahead of me in having already set up the foundation of their careers and goals (or even just have a freaking job)... and I feel so ridiculously small & insecure, with nothing to offer. At almost-30 all I can show for myself is a matric certificate, one year of volunteer work after that, and some self-growth (trauma related) from years of therapy. No higher education, no employment record, no financial independence, no apartment, no proper goals or upward momentum, only half-figured-out sexuality, very few friends, ...and not even a highlight reel of silly experimental memories to look back on and say "well I learnt about myself and enjoyed youthful goofing off". (I had a few adventurous teenage years at 18/19/20 and that's it).
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It just hurts knowing I put myself in this scary, isolated position.
Finding it terribly difficult to see things getting better - just see more of being left behind.
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#vent#alone#isolated#self worth#mental health#therapy#mental illness#adulting#twenties#thirties#getting older#time#scared#career#relationships#experimenting#exploring#waste#lost#no future#depressed#anxiety#chronic illness#autistic#ocd#bisexual#job#adventure#trauma#help
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“We just got to accept that some people can only be in our hearts, not in our lives.”
— Kathy B.
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Imagine being buried alive and then seeing this little guy with a backpack suddenly arrive
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