#i expected to chill there for an hour
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Damn, giving plasma is proper uncomfortable T.T
#i expected to chill there for an hour#like giving blood by longer#*but#but i can feel it being pumped out and then back in#and the needle vibrates inside my arm every so often#nothing unberable#but a bigger commitment than i expected
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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i was just gonna leave this as a comment, but my response started spiraling sooooo. guess i'm makin' this a full on post lol =3=" uhh anyways, responding to @skyborneveggie's tags on this post:
#really good analysis #always here for high-functioning depression light takes #i want to add; while Light is better at reading & manipulating people in the moment he also tends to overlook some things in the long run #because of his superiority complex #like his father volunteering for the eyes in matsuda's place #and matsuda in the ending. As much as i like to think of matsuda as wholesome- #-i do think if light played his cards right he could have manipulated him over to kira's side #but he didn't because he didn't think matsuda was important in the grand scheme of things
very good points!! about matsuda in particular— it’s interesting in retrospect how consistently he’s set up as a side character, particularly with how he is almost always immediately pushed off to the side despite that. like, alongside soichiro, he’s really the first member of the JTF we see pre-lind l. tailor (in the anime, anyway. in the manga it’s a bit more ambiguous, though matsuda definitely shows up to mention KIRA bringing the crime rate down in ch.3, still quite early).
he’s always the one counterpoint within the group, playing devil's advocate in a way with how he brings up the pro-KIRA side of things, yet as you say light underestimates him So consistently that he even ends up evolving into a full on joke/shakespearean fool character by yotsuba, which is really what makes his actions in the end so incredibly significant.
i distinctly remember reading that section where aizawa & mogi are getting more deeply involved with near and, in the case of aizawa in particular, are starting to genuinely consider the possibility that light might be KIRA, and just getting sooooooo so SO goddamn suspicious of what matsuda was doing. this was in part because i already had some spoilers about the ending, specifically about matsuda shooting him, but goddamn do his actions start looking suspicious when you begin taking him seriously as a threat. like, while aizawa is starting to live through his own psychological horror novel come to life, realizing that the innocent kid & strong leader he's been taking care of & following all this time might actually have been the fucking serial murderer they've been after for literal Years, here's what matsuda is up to in the background:
(light's face here. fuckin freak LMFAO)
(this one is particularly notable to me as it shows that even aizawa underestimates him— it's not just light, it's the whole damn team. even ryuk joined in earlier.)
(and of course, my absolute favorite example. the contrast between their expressions alone here is absolutely golden all on its own, but matsuda's heartfelt "don't worry, light!! i'll never betray you!!!" in comparison to THIS only makes it all the more juicy:
like, light doesn't even bother responding to him until he's got a goddamn bullet in his hand. he just sits there confident in the expectation that matsuda will lick his soles like a dog. jesus fucking christ.)
anyways, as i was saying: he's mostly just doing a bunch of dumb shit, making silly jokes in the background, fucking around with ryuk and being written off as an idiot by most characters, especially light but again also aizawa and ryuk. AND YET. he is Always hanging around over light's shoulder, lurking somewhere behind him in almost ever panel he shows up in, perfectly innocent to the point where it's can almost be more off-putting than if he were outwardly, actively questionable. like, this panel in particular, and i mean goddamn, just look at it again:
it hits So Hard in retrospect, not just because matusda is the one to shoot light in the end, possibly being his cause of death had ryuk not stepped in when he did, but also because it's true. as incredibly fucking suspicious as this panel may seem if you are armed with the knowledge that matsuda does, eventually, end up being the one to shoot light, it's equally easy to write it off as normal dumbass matsuda behavior because that is Exactly What It Is. and you would be right!! matsuda is trusting of light to a fault— when he eventually breaks, it is Not due to his own betrayal. it's the evidence of light's. and not just of his manipulation of the task force, for years and years and years on end— it's soichiro's death specifically that finally makes matsuda lose his faith in him.
the idea that light could've manipulated matsuda over to KIRA's side had he just tried a little harder is fascinating, but i think i can also understand why he didn't exert any more effort— it was kinda unnecessary. for basically the entire story, from the moment matsuda is formally introduced, to the minute light breaks and admits he's actually KIRA, matsuda is one particularly dedicated conversation away from being a full-on KIRA supporter— or so light believes, anyway. and he's probably not that far off.
really, i'm of the opinion that it's matsuda's existence as this KIRA-sympathetic figure in the task force in the first place that causes light to believe so strongly that he could eventually convert the entire JTF over to the side of KIRA— possibly even saving all of them their lives in the process. like, as i've said before, for all that light monologues about how he's Definitely Going To Kill The Task Force, Don't Worry, I Can And Will Do It When I Have To, he. never actually does it. instead, light goes through all the trouble of keeping the JTF strung along behind him for more than half a decade following L's death, holding on to all of these strings of his former life even when they are almost undoubtedly more of a pain than they're worth. unable to kill his father, unable to kill misa, unable to kill matsuda— even when he directly tries to.
i forget which post this was on, but i believe someone pointed out before that potentially a major part of light's grief following soichiro's death comes from the fact that he springs a shock on him at the last minute before passing: soichiro never stopped suspecting his son. when he sees light's lifespan above his head his first thought is to be relieved, because the question he's held at the back of his mind for Years has finally been undoubtedly assuaged. light is desperate to believe up until the end that he can make the world truly and genuinely pro-KIRA; his final actions in the moments of clarity before he starts begging at ryuk's feet for his life involve an enthusiastic speech as he makes one final bid at converting the JTF and SPK to join him and believe in his vision of Justice.
and yet. he never quite gets mastuda.
never bothered? or never could? perhaps a bit of both, but it's a fascinating character progression nonetheless, and easily one of the most interesting arcs in the series. poor, poor mastuda, indeed.
sidenote: this is a somewhat half baked thought, but i can't help but make a somewhat minor connection between light's treatment of matsuda and his treatment of misa, as well as his relationship with takada. like, let's think through the list of his main (human) supporters throughout the series, the ones who end up taking on the title of KIRA themselves: in the first half, misa, in the second, takada & mikami. if we add matsuda to this list, we get two mirroring pairs: misa & matsuda for the front half of the series, takada & mikami for the latter.
light's treatment of each of these pairs is quite different, despite the fact that they all essentially fulfill the same purpose to him: misa & mikami act as KIRA's eyes, killing those light is unable/unwilling to himself, while takada & matsuda fill the role of KIRA's spokesperson, albeit to very different audiences. thus each half of each pair executes a different side of KIRA's ideology: misa & mikami the practical side, becoming killers themselves, and takada & matsuda the persuasive side, pointing out the positive influences KIRA's actions have had on the population to The People and the rest of the task force respectively.
it's not quite as simple as i've laid out here, of course— tadaka eventually ends up killing before she dies at light's hand herself, misa lives as light's partner until she loses her memories and never quite recovers, mikami becomes quite static, just playing at a killer for Appearances, until his actions eventually end up accidentally betraying light and leading to his downfall. yet it still seems notable to me that despite light treating takada & mikami noticeably better for the majority of the time that he's working with them, those two are the ones who eventually end up dead, betrayed and betrayer respectively. yet, in the case of misa & matsuda... for all that light degrades them and treats them like shit, those two are the ones that get to live on past him while remaining stubbornly loyal until the end, until light's own actions twist back and smack him in the head.
i think perhaps part of the reason why light never ends up converting matsuda is not just his own ego blowing Shit outta proportion and assuming that matsuda will either very easily convert/is too much of a dumb liability to even bother with, but also light's own discomfort with having followers at all. like, it really takes him that full time skip to get fully on board with the idea that people will Submit to KIRA, despite the fact that he logically must know how necessary that is. light wants the recognition and love and commitment of other people, but he doesn't necessarily want the responsibility of their own stupid actions— a sentiment perhaps reflected in how easily he kills criminals, seeing their "evil" as something to be Purged, an annoyance just as much as a liability for the happiness of the Good, Pure People of the world.
as i've outlined before, misa is the main person who's enthusiastic submission consistently gets on light's nerves and icks him the fuck out, but i can't help but wonder if this same reaction applies at least in part to his distaste of matsuda. it's easier to get away from matsuda at least, considering he doesn't have to play the Good, Heterosexual Boyfriend around him, but that doesn't mean it isn't still somewhat present either. this also gets interesting if you start considering lawlight dynamics during yotsuba as well, and L's similar (if somewhat more overt, even) dislike of matsuda during that era BUT. that'll perhaps have to wait until another essay lolol =3=
#death note#astronaut rambles#touta matsuda#finally got to write me a matsuda post!! hell yeah!!!#been wanting to do this for a while lol but never quite found an approach that stuck w/ me#thx again for the tags on the original post hehe :P#death note meta#anyways. didn't mean for this to evolve into a light bottom advocacy post but what did we expect really#how anyone could see that man as a Dom Top is beyond me frankly#he is so overtly Disgusted for so much of the series when people submit to him#i can't help but wonder if part of the reason why he's so chill with mikami is the fact that he never has to fucking#interact with him irl like he does misa LMFAO#even in the case of takada it's such a clear Performance maybe it's easier to pull it off#especially by that age... withered as he is LMFAO#also takada having her own repressed (oddly compatible?) parallels to light blah blah see @kiyomitakada's posts for more on that#coughs. anyways what where was i why does the clock say two hours have passed what the hell#where am i#light yagami#<- there's enough of him here to warrant that ok shush#alright enough blurry-eyed rereading it's Poast time#edit: oops added one sentence for clarity
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lately ive been thinking a lot about goh’s parents. and all i have to say is . theyre kinda bad <3
#taylor.txt#i have this fic worm but no time to write it#the tl;dr on why i disappeared is i went from casually working like 3 days a week to a full-time teaching position where im teaching#quite literally every subject. its a whole Situation but like im genuinely glad to be there and am hopeful to get the position next year too#but in between the end of this school year and the start of next im full-time at summer camp and i got that Promotion so…learning a new role#and also ultimately clocking more work hours if i had to guess#so basically like. dont expect to see much of me until late august……if that djskfjdkfjd#during finals things will hopefully chill out a bit but its hard to say honestly. also im graduating at the end of this month. yay#so anyway yeah…rip to my writing plans this summer lol
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About to hand weave this man a potion carrying pouch in his character colors. I was already thinking about it. And then was like no. It's too early. I'll just give him a bit of the yarn my pouch is woven out of that I hypothetically would use as one of the components as a favor to wear for the tournament. I will be normal. So normal.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A HANDMADE POTION CARRYING POUCH IN HIS BLUE THIS MAN MATCHED MY FREAK AND I TEMPORARILY SCALED BACK
gonna stay at 100% freak going forward
#faer personal files#i am about to get so so sappy in the tags#i am typing this bc i started setting up my loom and then i was like wait i need sleep#i literally have dnd in the morning#augh#it is immune to boyfriend curse bc 1. he did not request it 2. it is a surprise and 3. i am weaving not knitting 4. im not a girl#oh 5 he's not even technically my boyfriend yet#i also want to flex. like even when he is at events i am not at i want people envying his custom hand woven pouch and him to be like thanks#my partner made it for me <3#man cannot hand me a mace and a cool heraldic item and expect me to not want everyone to know he is loved#he's gonna have to get used to it. not saying i love you yet you know what i mean.#idk. i like him so much. i like who he is i like how he is and i like that he actually has room for me in his head#i like being looked at without feeling sliced in two. even i can't always do that when i look in the mirror.#i like when he smiles. i like when he looks a little surprised about how delighted i am by him but i'm gonna like it even more when#the surprise settles down bc he feels secure in how much i like him#i wanna make him worse i want to give him an ego i want to make him better i want him to love himself so much#i love getting 3 am goodnight texts bc he was working on his art i love sending those i was in an art hole text now i must sleep texts#a good 6 hours earlier lol and having him be just as hyped i love talking to him i love his smile so much#i am putting in the work to get chill with reciprocation bc i am not used to it and wow. wow. this is. very nice.#my knight
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Survived 👍
#i think i did well kinda#i was the first to finish but thats because i never stay longer than absolutely necessary when doing exams#i dont believe in waiting for enlightening either i know this shit or i dont. waiting an hour looking at the page wont help#but i knew most questions and sort of knew the two that i was unsure about so im expecting a decent grade#not a 10 but like#6 or 7#lets see#now i need to sleep and chill because this exam has been eating at my brain for two weeks
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i used to not relate at all to the existential dread that's sorta ubiquitous for a lot people my age, which is mostly bc i've been dying for three-ish years, so i had fully made my peace with my life being over soon. like i was in a mindset a lot of people enter in hospice care where my body was winding down and i was just getting as comfortable as possible and being content with the life i'd already lived.
however.
now. that it looks like i could not only have, but also Enjoy... another 50 or 60 years on this earth.....
......HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY.
#GOOD GOD A LOT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITHIN THE NEXT 60 YEARS.#I KNOW NOT TO BORROW GRIEF FROM THE FUTURE BUT LIKE#I DIDNT EXPECT TO DEAL WITH ANY OF IT AT ALL. I WAS NOT GONNA *BE HERE*#literally every night for the past week i've lain awake with my heartbeat in my throat just thinking#I Am Going To Be Here . For So Much Shit#Oh God. Oh God . So Much#and i CAN'T SLEEP#this post brought to you by an hour and a half of me trying to sleep and now being exhausted and still So Anxious#like. CHILL. GIRL. IT'S FINE#YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! PROBLEM FOR FUTURE YOU!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! OH ! MY ! GOD !!!!#autoimmune tag
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it’s me and these 2 cookies against the world
#💌#see i could go eat BUT im so fucking tired i think i would enter a food coma#speaking of being tired guys all nighters are not for the fucking weak#i’m gonna blame it on most of my assignments being writing based instead of memorization based though#bc i can write something over and over again and remember it just fine obv cos that doesn’t take much brain power#but i’m trying to work on an essay and like. girl. nothing about me is coherent#so i have decided to CHILL for tonight so like#expect your dashes to be spammed and your ao3 inboxes flooded#i think i’ve deserved it (contrary to popular belief. like ik i’ve been on here a lot lmaoo but i promise i am doing Things)#i just have three more hours to go
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Recent things.. mostly just writing screenshots lol
#There's a water problem in the apartment so thats been taking most of my attention lol.. the way maintenance happens here is just#this big long vague wait with no clear communication. You just send in a request to the apartment building and then you might hear from the#any weekday from 8am - 4pm any time after that. Sometimes it's quick but sometimes its like days before you hear anything. So then#you just have to be operating under the assumption that at any time during working hours you might get a call or a knock at the door#Like if you were expecting company at any time for a week straight ghjhj.. ANYWAY.. I've been working on making a little discord#server thing for the game maybe for playtesters to communicate in initially i guess but then also after it's out or... something like that.#no idea how all of that works. but you hear about people doing it. or something... Still not entirely sold on the idea since I'm not really#a big user of discord format speaking (like little chats and stuff) but.. again idk.. seems like.. common.. for things...(< socially odd#hermit fumbling through trying to imitate what '''normal''' people do/enjoy/desire lol..). Since I think my biggest issue is I am very bad#at socializing and thus marketing since a lot of that is social. The type to just google ''what do people do about games once they've#made them'' and just go after whatever the top 10 things apparently are hjbjhbjh... But like I said. still unsure it will be utilized. it#all feels very awkward to me. then again most things do. But that's what the ''overall progress'' screenshot is from. the little channel#where I've been posting updates to myself lol. Also ''coding'' in that being used very lightly consdering it's ren'py and I'm only using#the very bare bones most basic functionality of it lol. Extremely intense highly daunting master level coding such as ''if x then y''. gbjh#slacked on writing a lot due to the evil maintenance and such things... and just general... appointments... events... aughhhhhh#I think it's Goose Time here or something because nearly every day I hear big V shaped rows of geese flying by like multiple#times a day and they're so pretty and neat to watch. They've really inspired me somehow. Today it was rainy and gray skied and high winds#and cold (some of my favorite most beautiful weather) and I went out to check the mail and like 6 or 7 rows of geese fluttered#by in the air. I felt like that meme image of that guy that looks kind of weird (william dafoe??) and its like black and white and#he's looking up at something almost teary eyed wide eyed in awe.. The goose... those are my goose.. the universe sent those gooses just#for me and the high speed winds blowing my coat open and chilling my face... a tender platonic kiss from the world is often delivered#by way of chilly weather and bird formations.. peace and love on planet earth truly..#OH and of course.. boy with boy!!!! shout out to those little mcdonalds toy animal plushies from like 2006 or something. I found the#gray cat one and was like.. hrmm.. I have one of those as well (a real life gray cat). surely they're friends now.
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Hgggg
Had one of those sundays where i felt just like
A little bit like shit all day
So i didn't really get any of my comic work done and it just kinda became a Lost Day
So now as consequence my brain won't let me go to bed because i did not Satisfy the Requirements as Set Beforehand
But i would like to actually set myself up for a successful week of going to bed on timebl because i haven't the last two weeks and i can Feel it slowly destroying me spiritually, mentally, and physically
But sometimes there js Naught you can do in the face of Wanton Mental Illness
#monster noises#i know i know my meteric for a successful day should not be tied to Productivity#but in my Defense that isn't Exactly what's happened here#i mean#yeah#i'm dissapointed that i didn't get the ball rolling until like 8pm and thus only had an hour to Work#but going to bed issue#is more about me setting the Plan and Expectation that I would do Comic Work today#but i didn't Fulfill that Expectation and therefore the Balance is Off and the Days Not Done#because we haven't Fulfilled the Criteria#i would have this same probelm if I had set aside today as a Relax Day but spent the whole day Stressing Out or Doing Chores/Work#without doing the classic half-day reset#where sometimes i'm In Control enough to realize when the day has gotten away from me and Pivot the Expectations to Just Chilling#then at the end of the day i Have met my Expectations and can just Siddle into bed no issues#but today i was not that Strong Willed#and kept Insisting that i Would get to my comic writing#Just After This Last Thing#but there was always One More Thing#and i felt like i was trapped under a sheet of plexiglass and couldn't fully wake up all day#so there was no pivot#i just stayed Stubborn until i had my dinner - then wrote maybe one page#and put it down for the evening#and that was not enough to satisfy the internal control team#and now i must sit here and Yearn instead of going to Sleep#it is Silly and i wish for it Not to be Happening
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i don't think the bamboo shrimp is doing too hot and they might not be around much longer. not surprising, it's been a very stressful day for them but it's still sad to see.
#slow response time and ibe cought them flipped onto thei back twice. I moved the tanklet to the windowsill to see if warming up#will help#theres also a cup of hot water near the tank to speed along the process without like. going too fast#Im crushing up some fish food samples i got for gummy and seeing if a snack will help but its not looking good#Stress can be lethal for even the healthiest animal and like. being put in a bag driven to a con picked up and handled countless times#jostled and chilled and jostled some more.#It happens. you always expect die off#im just like. more than a little sad about it because i was really excited about this guy#i guess 12 dollars to let them have a good last few hours in the sun will just have to be worth it
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the arc I have been on in my attempts to Casually Date this one person I think is hot are like:
oh sick I actually kind of smoothly danced with and then asked out someone at Pride
wait though they're my friend's friend is this actually a date or did we spend a day at a sauna platonically? felt like we were going to kiss but then we got homophobed by some random passing drunk men and they had to get their bus
well they want to see me again so it's probably a date right?
is it a date????
they're busy
I'm busy
they message me and say let's hang out on Monday. then message later saying fuck I have band practise we can hang out until like 7:30 though
that's a hang? that's a date? HOW GAY IS THIS????
anyway I just got home and unsurprisingly the answer is YEP and also GUESS WHO GOT A BIT OF KISSING 🤟
#red said#they're really really gorgeous and they're a really good kisser and i had a lovely couple of hours talking about 90s films and comphet#buuuuut we're both gonna need to have like an Expectations Check and that's good. we're going to talk about it next time we hang out#there's a chance they're in like a relationship place which would be a shame bc I'm definitely not#but i would really like to go on some more chill dates and i would DEFINITELY like to do more kissing#you know when you kiss someone you've wanted to kiss for ages and you just keep like. touching your lips and doing a goofy smile#I'm so fucking soft man like i like weird sex and all but you know what? i fucking love kissing people. i love to do kissing.#not even like in a specifically romantic way it can be pure fwb stuff i just luv 2 kiss
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Started grad school today after being out of school for four years, and I can feel the stress and chaos already descending. Please send me your strength 🫡
#full time grad school and full time job#shit’s gonna be wild for a bit#one class is very chill the prof is like ‘I understand you’re all working so I’m very flexible’#and another prof is like ‘I expect you to dedicate 16 hours a week to this course and I don’t accept any late work’#not that my anxiety let’s me ever hand in work late#personal
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Clawing at the ground I fucking forgot about my double exam day this week oh my god
#my two least favorite exams are on the same day#and they end and start within an hour of each other#tbf nobody is expected to pass the second one because they screwed over the entire grade with that class#just one more week and then im done#one more week and i have nothing left to do for any of my classes#just the final project in english and i can get that done in a week#im so happy that i almost have nothing left to do and i get to chill out for the last few days
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Well I am up and has been waiting for the testosterone to dry for almost two hours
...why is it when I really want it to try fast that it takes for ever 🙃
#please i want to sleeeeep 😭#i have gotten 2 hours max#i need more than that :'D#but it is already light#(9.30 am)#good thing january 1 is already a day nobody expects you to be productive xD#which got me thinking#jan being this chill but tired guy seemingly in his own world half the time fits with his day of birth xD#i will go eat some breakfast then check if the t is dry and then hopefully soon go back to sleep :'D#micahs thoughts
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It’s so beyond fucked that you can just wake up to some of the most intense and unbelievable pain of your life and be expected to jsut function
#my ear is BEYOND fucked and the entire half of my head feels numb and agonizing at the same time#like brooooo come on. I’m going to throw up the pain is so bad#and you expect me to start painting a bench today??#it’s wack man. I got 4 hours of sleep bc of this come on.#(the reason I’m trying to be so chill is because if I’m not I’ll go back to screaming and crying)
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