#i eat like garbage bc i dont have energy to make food and my shit diet probably makes me even more tired

[munch-mumbles]

fatigue is literally ruining my life el oh el

[drpeppertummy]

Pls do Leon for all ;; I love this man so much

ALL,,,,,,,,,, i was gonna tell u to come back with less but u know what . hes my special little guy im going for it [under a cut for 8 million miles length, warning for various bad eating habits, mentions of past abuse/trauma, addiction, self loathing, etc]

🎵 Do they have a noisy tummy? Is there anything unique or notable about the sounds their tummy makes? - i dont think theres anything too special about his tummy noises but it does have a lot to say. he either neglects to eat or eats absolute garbage, has a tendency to eat too much garbage in one sitting, chews a lot of gum (alternative to smoking) & gets bloaty from it, etc he does not treat his poor tummy kindly & it has no issue with speaking up about it

🏃 Do they eat faster or slower than average? If so, are there consequences? - he tends to eat way too fast & winds up 1. full of air and 2. too full bc he ate too fast for the fullness to catch up with him until its too late

🤬 How do they act when they're hungry? When they're too full? Which is worse? - he tends to be relatively quiet in his suffering so neither is awful. he forgets/works through/skips meals often enough that its just standard business for him, he'll be tired & achy & low energy but not That much more than usual. too full is probably worse bc a belly full of crap may incapacitate him for a while & then hes all sad & miserable

🥺 How do they feel emotionally when they eat too much? - shitty ! his lousy ex husband bill always made him feel awful about himself for overeating, putting on weight, etc & that mean-ass voice is still in his head. & he also feels like a stupid asshole for putting himself into that situation

🫢 Do they have any kind of belly kink or awareness of it? Do any of the characters around them? - i dont think so, although shel is very fond of his tummy but not necessarily in a kink way

📅 How frequently do they get into tummy shenanigans? - All The Dam Time [see first question] its rare for his tummy to Not feel at least a little crappy or be at least a little bloaty

🫥 Are they able to hide their hunger? Do they try to? - he tries & he usually succeeds at least until his belly starts growling enough to notice. cant hide it from shelly tho that guy can read him like a book

🤢 Are they able to hide it when they're too full? Do they try to? - Not At All. he tries to downplay it but he cant even try to hide it bc its useless. his tummy sticks out so much

🛌 What's the number one thing they want when they're too full? (belly rubs, sleep it off, lay down, etc) - mostly he just wants Comfort. wants someone to hold him so gentle. & if he feels all yucky n queasy he wants to sleep it off

🕒 What's the longest they've gone without eating? How did they feel? - probably like a day and brother . He Did Not Feel Awesome

break bc it straight up will not let me put all this in one block

🥘 What's the most they've eaten in one sitting? How did they feel afterwards? - i have 2 scenarios in my brain. one is the time someone talked him into weight watchers & he snapped like 3 days in & ate a ton of random crap in the middle of the night and the other is eating an entire pizza in one evening for no good reason. hes a little guy and in both scenarios his belly is so distended he can barely move. hurts and feels like a dumbass

🍽️ What's the most they can eat without getting a bellyache? - Good Quastion it depends on What hes eating. i think if he goes out for lunch somewhere & gets like a decent-sized sandwich & fries or some shit he can finish the whole thing & be just about at his limit before it becomes uncomfortable

🛑 Do they tend to stop eating when they're comfortably full, or do they keep going? Why? - he has a tendency to go overboard for various reasons. knows the food wont stay good any longer, eating his feelings, cant stop picking at it, etc

🧑‍⚕️ Do they usually ask for comfort when they don't feel good, or does somebody just know to comfort them? - hes too ashamed to ask for comfort. he feels awful making anyone worry about him. lucky for him shel knows when he needs a little extra care

💝 Do they want comfort when they don't feel good--even if they won't admit it--or do they prefer to deal with it alone? - he wants comfort So Bad even tho he doesnt think he deserves it & doesnt wanna worry anyone he wants nothing more than to be held & comforted when he feels shitty

😢 Are there any specific foods that upset their belly? - i dont think theres anything really Specific & his body is so used to eating like shit that its more the quantity of whatever hes eating than the food itself

🎈 Do they ever find themselves feeling bloated from something other than food? (swallowed air, too much liquid, period, illness, etc) - swallowed air is a big one, both bc of the fast eating & the gum, and liquid is also one. it doesnt really come up in my writing much but he is a (semi-recovering) alcoholic & this naturally causes some considerable bloating

🍎 If the goal was to eat as much of one food as possible, what food would they choose? Why? - i dont know if its the Best choice but i think hed go fries. that guy can put away some fries. even when his belly is absolutely stuffed he cant stop pickin at fries

👕 Have they ever had a belly-induced wardrobe malfunction? (popped button, shirt riding up, etc) How did they feel about it? - almost certainly. his empty tummy is nothing to write home about but it gets Impressively big, bordering on looking pregnant, if hes really full/bloated. i dont have a specific scenario in mind but whatever it was hed be absolutely mortified, even if nobody witnessed it

😈 Have they ever gotten into tummy shenanigans on purpose, for their own pleasure or somebody else’s? - no. he doesnt need to tho bc it happens by accident enough

😝 How would they feel if someone teased them for being hungry? For being too full? - he can laugh at himself a little when hes hungry but if someone teased him for overeating hed probably cry

😟 Are they shy about their belly for any reason? - he Hates his belly he thinks its so ugly. all he can see when he looks at it is this pasty doughy un-masculine mommybelly. he hates how chubby it is he hates the stretch marks he hates his dumb little appendectomy scar & bill Really hammered it into his head that his body is unappealing, esp after having their baby

🖼️ How would someone close to them describe their belly, in appearance or otherwise? - to contrast that last response, shel would describe his tummy as Absolutely Adorable and soft and pillowy and warm and squeezable and very nice to touch

🕴️ Is there a certain type of situation that frequently results in tummy shenanigans for them? - some days he'll go to wawa after work for a snack/dinner & overestimate how much he can eat bc hes starving. winds up getting a bunch of greasy crap & giving himself a bellyache

⚖️ Has their weight changed at all over the years? How do they feel about it? - hes never been really skinny but hes def put on some weight over the years. he mightve been ok with it if bill hadnt been so awful to him about it but alas

🫄 Has there ever been a time when their belly was so bloated that it got in their way/made a task difficult? - his belly sticks out Far when hes really bloated. things like washing the dishes when his bellys pushing against the counter, trying to reach to the bottom of the washing machine, etc become Awkward And Uncomfortable

🧐 Is it obvious when they’ve overeaten, be it by the appearance of their belly, their behavior, etc? - even if his belly wasnt Crazy Distended i think itd still be clear that whatevers in there is weighing him down, esp if its something really heavy thats got him feeling kinda queasy

🍔 Has another person ever caused them to overeat deliberately or unintentionally? - shel has def gotten him to eat too much unintentionally. not his fault he wants leon to eat good food for once🤷

🫧 How do they feel about burping in front of others? Does it happen often? - i think it happens fairly frequently with the amount of air he swallows & he tries to keep it quiet or swallow it back down bc hes a little embarrassed about it

☹️ Have they ever forced themself to finish eating something that they didn’t want to finish? - probably, if he didnt think he was gonna be able to save it for later. doesnt wanna waste it & if nobodys around to share it with hes gonna cram it in

😍 Does anybody give their belly extra attention even when it feels perfectly fine? How do they feel about it? - shel is all over his tummy he Loves that thang. leons all bashful about it but it Does make him feel loved & it helps to combat some of those negative thoughts since shels affection is so genuine

💭 Have they ever had a memorable tummy shenanigans incident that other people still bring up to this day? - i think he once overate at a work party & popped a button upon sitting down. hell on earth humiliation. one of his annoying coworkers still brings it up from time to time. he wants to bite her head off

🚗 Does their tummy get upset from things other than food or hunger? (nerves, vehicles, etc) - he gets carsick if hes not the one driving. nerves probably also but thats indistinguishable from any other aspect of his day to day life

🛏️ Does anybody ever use their tummy as a pillow? If so, how do they feel about it? What’s it like for the other person? - shellyyyyy i just Know shels using his belly as a pillow its so soft & plush & cozy he'll fall asleep on it so fast esp bc leons playing with his hair while hes layin there. & then leons Stuck There. he thinks its kinda sweet tho

🙄 Is there a certain type of recurring tummy shenanigan that they’re notorious for? - everything .

🫱 Do they like having their belly touched? In what circumstances, if any? - hes a little skittish about it even with shel bc of The Insecurity & also bc bill would like jab n pinch him so sometimes he still flinches a little (shel wants to hunt bill down & skin him alive every time that happens) but he Does like when shel rubs his belly once he settles into it

[depression-mealsz]

stir fry (veg)

im absolutely free-associating as i write this recipe so have fun reading all this - i hope you like parenthetical tangents!

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total time: not gonna lie to you, this takes most of the day. absolute MINIMUM like 45 min. but! you can do it piece-meal so its not all ur time/energy at once

makes: ~4 servings (but really 1 if you’re me)

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ingredients:

1 block extra firm tofu, pressed (i use old textbooks because i spent too much money on them not to get any use out of them)

3 tbsp corn starch

3 tbsp vegetable oil

1/3 cup white rice

1 egg

1 broccoli crown

1 zucchini

1 yellow squash

1/3 cup shredded carrots (or carrot chips, yum)

1 tbsp soy sauce

salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, liquid smoke, and red chili flakes

sesame seeds for garnish

OPTIONAL (but is it?):

1 tbsp mayo

1/2 tbsp ketchup

1/4 tbsp sugar

same seasonings as above

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how to:

ok fasten ur seatbelts, this one is gonna be a little complicated to read but i promise its not bad when ur actually doing it. i think of it in sections - tofu, rice, veggies, then combine it. makes it a lot more manageable!

for the tofu, rinse it, wrap it in paper towels (or regular towels? sometimes i do both) and let gravity press it for you while you go for your impressive fourth rewatch of new girl. after you get sick of waiting for your tofu to press, cut it into 1″ cubes (ish. do i know what 1″ cubes look like? almost certainly not. go with your gut). combine corn starch and oil together, along with your spices. be generous with your spices, some of the flavor will get lost in the bake. coat ur tofu pieces in the corn starch-oil-seasoning paste and place on a baking sheet. i like to cook mine at 425F for 25 min. this gets it extra crispy, which im obsessed with. also i coat it in kung pao sauce or whatever i have on hand, but theyre still good plain. i bake the tofu while i cut the veggies and cook the rice. speaking of,

for the rice, just steam it according to the directions on the bag (typically 2:1 water:rice ratio, steam for 15 min). props to you if you have a rice cooker, this broke bitch does not. and if you cant boil rice, they make minute rice u can cook in the microwave or whatever. i think that has the texture and taste of play-doh but if thats ur speed, do you ig. really you should refrigerate it after boiling it for it to be true “stir fry” (apparently) but who has the time for that? as soon as cooked food hits my fridge, you may as well throw it in the garbage bc im never touching that shit again. set the steamed rice aside while you do the veggies

for the veggies, cut em :) pretty much thats it. throw some seasoning on it if ur feeling saucy, which i often am. toss them in a wok pan on medium-high heat with some butter (or your preferred vegan alternative) until theyre cooked down like 85% of the way. theyll still retain some residual heat and cook even after you’ve taken them off the stovetop. set aside while you fry the rice

when frying the rice, you need a LOT of butter. more than you think. probably at least a quarter stick (sucks if ur on the west coast with those weird sized butter sticks). toss that and your rice in the same wok you just used to cook the veggies and add your soy sauce. if youre not vegan, add in your egg and scramble it up. you can be one of those people that adds peas to your rice but really.... why would you do that. cook the rice til its done :) i know i could be more helpful but see i dont think i can here. eating it before its done wont kill you, it just might be a gross sensation in your mouth texture-wise

tofu should be done baking by now, so really you just need to combine ur veggies, tofu, and rice in the wok for a quick stir and then serve it. top with sesame seeds.

OPTIONAL (but seriously, no it’s not):

combine the optional ingredients above to make that quintessential japanese mayo sauce (it feels idiotic to call it yum-yum sauce but alas, i don’t really know what else to call it). i love to dip the tofu in it or mix it in to the rice because im one of those clowns that eats one thing at a time (veggies first, then tofu, then rice).

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what i love:

ive always loved going out to eat at those hibachi places where they cook the shit right in front of you and do the little tricks with the onion volcano, etc. but a) those are expensive and b) god how strange would it be to go to one of those alone?? so i decided i would make it at home and you know what bitch i did that

this might be the most involved recipe ive posted and it does in fact go against the initial purpose of this blog to post easy and somewhat healthy recipes to stave off depression but i promise, if you can do even half the shit i told you to here, you can basically conquer the world. or at least your subdivision. and youll have all the energy to do that and more bc you hit all your major food groups! what!

you can totally add chicken or ? idk pork or shrimp or whatever your preferred protein is in place of (or in addition to) the tofu. im vegetarian so ive completely lost the knowledge of how to cook meat whoops

what i hate:

one time i made this and went to brush my teeth because it was bed time and there were maggots on my toothbrush and in my bathroom sink ???? ive never seen maggots there before or since, so i dont know if i got some sus vegetables or rice or if i completely hallucinated that but wow that was. an experience for sure. dont let that deter you from making this though! i doubt it had anything to do with my cooking

[entropysyarn]

Sleepless and lonely.

Late nights, early mornings, and an inability to fsking sleep. I got some new yarns recently. Lots of soft, fluffy delicate textures I'm looking forward to rolling, similar colours, and multiples of the same colours. Tentative weekend plans! I'm laying in bed, staring at my ceiling, phone, and hands, admiring one thumb, because, frankly, its the nicest nail I've ever had, professional manicures notwithstanding, and I just... I'm still so tired. I'm trying to make it all work. Bills, pets, hobbies, sleep, work, friends, relationship, and I feel like all the balls ive got floating around are all gonna sink, or float away because I'm just barely treading water. Someone told me today, that what I'm feeling, and how I'm feeling are legitimate, and that its ok to feel the way I do. They didnt push the way i felt aside, or minimise it, though, they were relentlessly positive. I'm still moving forward, even if I perceive myself to be weighted down by all the things I think are failures, and thats ok too. At least I tried. They were proud of me for even looking for a second job, much less applying for one. But, I kind of feel like I shouldn't need a second job, that I should have chosen better with the first job I've had here. Ive worked for almost a full year, come September, and, I'm still down to about 1.85$usd before every paycheck comes. I save, clearly, because emergencies sneak up on you and blindside you on a Tuesday out of the blue, but... It still doesn't feel like its enough. I'm worried, because I'm going to miss out on a lot of my sons life, just trying to keep a roof overhead.

I worry a lot about my cats. One keeps trying to eat plastic, and coughing when he does get into the trash, im scared my lil black melon cat is going to resent me bc I keep shutting her out of the bathroom when I go, and I'm not home enough to play, and i dont have the energy to play, properly, with any of them, and my other cat barely comes out of the closet to get petted, and im worried shes not getting enough food bc of the fat garbage kitty who likes to eat plastic. Theyre not shedding much, but, it may be bc I brushed them 2 days ago. I want to get them a new water fountain and a new tower, maybe another lil hidey spot I can put in the closet for my hide-a-cat. None of these cats will lay and just snuggle with me like I want. Just another reminder, I guess, that if I had the ability to share immortality with anyone, I would have shared it with my previous cat. You know, getting another pet, was sold to me as a sort of cure for the loss of a pet, but, I dont think ive really processed his loss yet. I spent, like half my current life with him, and he was my best friend, and most treasured person, and I miss him, every day. Maybe i just need to set down, with some tea, a box of good tissues, and a soft blanket and a nicer pillow, and just have a good cry and let it all out. God theres so much to let out tho.

Id much rather sleep than cry. At least when im asleep, sometimes I have interesting dreams. Most of those dreams make me wildly unhappy when I wake up, because I think, my brain is trying to create a feeling I dont really get when I'm awake, but when I'm asleep, I'm happy. Like, peacefully, warmly content. I smile more in my dreams than I do while awake. I dont know how I'm going to fit sleep in if I get a second job. Thats honestly like, top 3 concerns. My kid, sleep, and, would be able to keep that job long enough to make it out of grunt/drone status? I dont like feeling like I'm not good enough at my job that id get fired at any minute. 90% of the jobs I can get are at will employment. Meaning they dont need a reason, not really, to fire me. I'm scared my managers think I'm annoying, because the big manager, seems to be frustrated with me a lot, and i cant figute out if its because I'm obnoxious, or its because I cant live up to the impossible standards corporate sets, even though I'm literally running through the store like my ass is on fire, taking care of a half dozen things, all at once. I want to do a good job, at my job, because, I honestly like what I do. Its interesting, just enough variety I'm not likely to be truly bored, and just enough stability that if i wanted, I could literally work in the same store, doing the same thing, for the next decade. But, I dont want to do the exact same thing for the foreseeable future. I mean, yeah I don't wanna quit, and id like to move up to management, but, yet again, feeling like a failure creeps in, and smacks me upside the head and yells "if you cant do this, what the shit makes you thing you could do management???" Several people tho, at work, have told me, they would like me to be management, because they think id be good at it. I might. I can handle a lotta shit, all at once, ive had to figure out how to manage 15 things at the same time because, wouldnt you know it, thats how my brain operates. Still cant find the tab with the music on though, id really like to change the song.

Wow, ive been typing for a solid half hour. I think, thats enough word vomit into the void. I'm kind of tired after all that. No resolution yet, because, you cant really resolve anything at like 3 am. But, I will take my friends suggestion, and keep going, making note of where ive been, and trying, really, really hard to keep where id like to be, in mind.