#i dunno what id even do with myself otherwise

[radiotorn]

having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.

[tastefulstars]

And I fell, I fell

Throw together a last minute cancellation, a helpful Robin and list of questions, and you've got yourself the romance of the century.

eddie munson x f!reader

c/w: 18+ only. MDNI. smut and fluff. so much fluff. mutual pining. eddie being a cutie. no y/n. protected sex. piv. oral (f receiving). not proof read.

a/n: eddie is a hopeless, gross romantic and u cant convince me otherwise and this is 7.6k of me proving myself correct.

masterlist

Your phone ringing startles you out of your daze, making you jump slightly in your chair. Reaching for it, you don't bother to look at the caller id.

"Oh you're alive, that's nice" Robin's voice cheerfully says, you blink rapidly at your computer screen.

"Why wouldn't I be alive, Robs?"

"I dunno! Maybe because you've been MIA for the past five days!"

You can hear the frustration and concern in her voice and you immediately feel guilty. You sigh softly and rub at your eyes.

"I'm sorry, Robbie" You murmur, "Work's been a lot."

"I worry about you" She confesses, "Like, have you even been eating? Sleeping? What's so important you've got to check out for nearly a week?"

You scrunch your face up because, she's right - you've been doing the bare minimum but you weren't going to admit that.

"I'm fine, really. Just been editing a few of the interviews I did last week and then this morning I had someone bail out at the last minute so I'm trying to find a replacement to do the interview at the end of the week."

Robin hums.

"I'm coming over"

She hangs up before you have a chance to respond and you shake your head. Standing, you groan as you stretch your arms over your head before you decide to just call it a day and have a shower.

The warm water feels heavenly on your stiff body, and you let yourself relax under the spray. You're just stepping out of the shower, steam filling the room and wrapping a towel around you, when there's persistent knocking at the door.

You debate for all of three seconds on whether to answer or get dressed, ultimately deciding to let Robin in first, knowing that she'd just knock harder and louder until you did.

She pushes her way in as soon as the doors cracked open an inch, she closes the door behind her and starts pushing at your shoulders.

"Get dressed, Jesus"

You roll your eyes and throw your hands up, muttering about bossy, annoying friends. You shuffle to your room though, pulling on soft jeans and a shirt and make your way back to Robin who's curled up on the couch and cradling a can of soda in her hands.

"Alright, sit" Robin says, patting the space beside her and you throw yourself heavily down next to her, resting your cheek against her shoulder.

"You okay?" She asks, pressing her cheek against the top of your head and you nod softly because yeah, you were fine, just busy and tired and overworked. She holds the can to you and you take it, sipping at the bubbly drink. An arm wraps around your shoulder and you feel yourself go boneless against her, relaxing for the first time in days.

"Work sucks at the moment" You admit, leaning on your friend, "I've got so much to do and now I'm gonna loose the venue for Friday because the person I was interviewing cancelled on me and like, I can't afford that you know? It's expensive and I just, I don't know what I'm gonna do Robbie"

"Anything I can help with?" She asks softly, "I can't really do much for editing videos and whatever but, yeah."

You feel a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips.

"You don't happen to want to be interviewed?" You tease, "Could start a new series where I interview my friends instead of like, famous people"

You're joking, knowing that Robin would kinda hate being in front of a camera while you ask her questions about herself but you could see it working - making it a silly little thing where you just have fun with it, rather than the serious interviews you've been stuck doing.

"God no" She laughs for a moment before pausing, "But, I could ask Eddie?"

"Hmm? What's Eddie got to do with this?"

"Eddie Munson, y'know Corroded Coffin?"

You scrunch your nose slightly, pulling back to look at her.

"You mean to tell me that your high school band friend Eddie is the same Eddie from that massively popular metal band? And don't they refuse to do interviews, like, all the time?"

"Yes and yes, it's something about wanting to focus on the music rather than them but he'd do it if I ask nicely."

You chew on your lip, considering it. It would be a massive help, having someone to actually interview and that someone being notorious for refusing to actually participate in interviews but at the same time, you don't want to put Robin out or Eddie.

"Look, I'll ask, the worst thing is he'll say no and if that's the case, I'll do the interview." She says and you feel a weight lifting off your chest, you lean back in to wrap yourself around her.

"Thanks, Robin" Your voice is muffled by her shoulder but she squeezes you back.

The two of you spent the rest of the afternoon watching shitty videos and snacking, and you feel more relaxed than you have in weeks. You murmur your thanks as you hug Robin goodbye and laugh softly at her stern warning of no more work today, her finger pointing at your face. You agree, considering ordering take out and having an early night.

You're wrapped up in a soft blanket on the couch, lights low and a movie you're not really watching when your phone buzzes.

Robin: Eddie's agreed to do the interview. send deets.

to Robin: You're an angel amongst men, Robin and I love you.

Robin: ur right, I am. love u 2.

You send her the address and times and thank her about five more times before you put your phone back down, and focus back on the movie and you're not too sure when your eyes slip closed and you're asleep.

The next couple of days fly by in a daze of editing and deciding the direction of the upcoming interview. You didn't want it to be stuffy, overly serious and god forbid, boring, so you pester Robin for little tidbits of information about Eddie and you find yourself racing around your apartment the morning of to get ready.

You've never really seen photos of Eddie from Band but you have seen photos and videos of Eddie from Corroded Coffin and you knew he's hot and while you didn't want to come across as unprofessional, you wanted to look good so you spend extra time styling your hair and making sure your outfit fit just right.

Loading your car up with your equipment and set-up took longer than you'd like and by the time you're pulling up to the building, you've only got thirty minutes before Eddie was due to arrive. You rush through set up and you wish you had an assistant for days like today.

A soft knock against the wall and your name being called startles you. You let out a quiet noise of surprise and whip around to see Eddie, smiling wide at your reaction, and your heart stutters. You knew he was handsome, you knew that, but the photos and videos didn't do him justice.

Tall and wrapped in black denim, cotton, silver chains and rings. His hair was curled to perfection, soft and silky, wide brown eyes and plump limps and you realize you're staring and not saying anything.

"Eddie, right?" You gesture to one of the chairs you'd set up, "Thank you so much for doing this, you and Robin have saved me a lot of grief"

He saunters over to you, smiling warmly before sitting in the chair. You almost get lost in watching him again but you force your eyes away, not wanting to be a creep.

"Ah, it's alright. Had nothing better to do today, to be honest."

And god his voice, you wanted to hear it all day. Wanted him to whisper nothings into your ear and you feel yourself flushing at the desire running through your veins.

You turn, scolding yourself for your reaction and get to work turning on the lights, camera and audio recorders.

"Still, I appreciate it. Will you be okay putting your mic on or would you like help?" You ask as you open the case, pulling out both sets of microphones.

"Hmm, might need some help"

You look over your shoulder and he's watching you intently, and you're really not sure how you're going to do this interview without coming across as desperate.

"Sure, here-" You step closer to him, holding out the microphone and wire, "This bit goes up under your shirt and clips onto your collar"

His fingers brush yours as he gently takes it from you, lifting his shirt slightly to feed the wire under it. You hold your breath and avert your eyes when you see a flash of pale skin before you do something stupid like telling him you'd like to lick him all over.

"Like this?" He asks, and you force yourself to bring your eyes down, nodding as he clips the little microphone to his shirt and smooths his hands down his chest.

"Yeah, um- I'll just clip this to your belt, if that's okay?"

He looks up at you from under his lashes and nods, smiling like he knows exactly what he's doing to you. You turn it on and see his jaw clenching in the corner of your eye as your fingers brush at his skin as you work.

"Alright. All set, I'll just finish getting ready - I'll just be a minute" You say in a rush, turning back to the table and putting your own mic on.

"No rush, honey"

And oh god, the pet name has your blood singing. Your hands shake slightly as you take a couple of deep breaths and scold yourself with a stern behave yourself, you're here for work not to hook up, he's doing you a favor so cut it out.

You shake your head slightly and move to turn on the camera. It's almost easier, looking at Eddie through the camera screen as you focus it and you suppress a shudder when you realize he's watching you closely.

You suck in a deep breath and pick up your notes, moving to sit beside him.

"Alright, you good to start?"

His smile returns and nods, shifting in his seat in order to face you. You do your intro, facing the camera and watching Eddie from your peripheral and then your turning, facing him and wanting to whine at how pretty he is. You let your work wash over you, focusing on the interview.

"Thanks for being here today, Mr. Munson. Tell me, how are you? What's been happening?"

"Eddie's fine" He says, laughing softly, "Mr. Munson is my uncle. I'm good, I'm good. Honestly? I should be working on some new songs but I'd rather not."

You nod, humming.

"Look that's fair - You used to play D&D, why?"

He looks a little surprised at your question, like he wasn't expecting anything else besides his music.

"Oh yeah I did. It was just fun, y'know? Like my friends and I got to go on epic adventures."

You try your hardest not to let the grin overtake your face but it's so, so hard.

"That's kinda nerdy but like what do I know? I make silly videos for a living. Do you still play or has that ship sailed?"

"Ah, I'd like to but I don't get as much free time these days and all my friends I play with are all over the place."

"Bummer. What's the best way to eat marshmallows?"

You keep the energy going, slinging more and more absurd questions at him without letting him gather his bearings but Eddie's grinning, enjoying the quick fire questions and your snide comments at his answers.

"Now. This is a serious question and I will judge you for your answer if it's incorrect."

He shifts, face serious and leans slightly towards you.

"Would you rather be eaten alive by a werewolf or have a vampire stick a straw in your neck and drain you like a capri-sun?"

Eddie breaks out into giggles and you feel your insides wobble and you school your features, biting your tongue and raise an eyebrow.

"Definitely being eaten alive" He wheezes between his laughter, "I might as well go all out if I'm gonna die."

You purse your slips, looking down at your notes primly.

"Correct."

Eddie laughs harder, eyes shining when you look back at him.

"Alright, last question - what's the plan for the rest of the day?"

He rubs the back of his neck, he looks at you and you think maybe there's something in his face, in his eyes as he glances at you.

"No real plans, might grab something to eat."

"Right on, free as a bird."

You close the video and slide out of your chair, turning off the camera and beginning the pack up. Your eyes flicker to Eddie and you smile softly, moving to him to help remove his mic.

"Thanks again for this, Eddie. I know you don't really do interviews much so I didn't want to make it awful for you"

His fingers find the soft skin of your wrist when he hands you the mic set, pressing against your skin.

"I had a lot of fun" His voice is low and rumbles and you feel your chest erupts with butterflies.

You shuffle back, throwing a smile over your shoulder and continue to pack away your equipment.

"Want a hand?" Eddie's says, right behind you and you can feel his warmth seeping into your back. You bite your lip.

"Nah, it's all good! It's not that much" You try to keep the tremble out of your voice, "I'll um, let you know when the video's up? It should be maybe a week or so."

You hear him inhale and then hum softly.

"Perfect."

You step around the table, putting a bit of distance between the two of you before you do something really really dumb and proposition him. Eddie shoots you a small smile, fiddling with his rings and you think he might be nervous.

"I'll, um, see you around then?" He asks, taking small steps backwards towards the door.

"Yeah, it was nice to meet you" You try to smile warmly as you say your goodbyes while all you'd like is to beg him to stay longer.

"You too, honey. I've heard a lot about you."

And then he's gone and you throw yourself down on one of the chairs, face in hands and you let out a whine.

"God damn it, Robin" You mutter before huffing and dragging yourself to load your car.

You're tired and sore when you finish unloading the car back at your apartment and you grunt as you throw yourself onto the couch, propping your feet on your coffee table.

Your phone buzzes.

Unknown Number: Hey honey, it's Eddie. I hope it's okay but I got your number from Robin.

Unknown Number: I just. I really had a good time today. I usually hate doing interviews but you made it a lot of fun.

You save his number and quickly respond, heart in your throat and fluttering in your stomach, hating how much you wanted his attention.

to Eddie: Eddie, hey! Yeah that's fine. I'm glad you had a nice time :)

Eddie: Very much so. Did you get everything packed and get home alright?

You start chewing on your lower lip as he responds almost instantly, not wanting to seem overly eager, you send a text to Robin instead.

to Robin: ROBIN what the FUCK????

Robin: ur welcome :)) he thinks ur hot btw and like ur both my friends so dont fuck it up.

to Robin: thanks!!!!! no pressure at all with that!!!!!!!!

Robin: :)

You start chewing on your thumbnail and open Eddie's messages again, responding with an affirmative and asking how his afternoon went before tossing your phone to the other side of the couch, kicking your feet.

You feel like a teenager, heart pounding and cheeks hot and chest feeling three sizes too big. You wander around your living room, shaking your hands and deciding to just go about your evening routine - making dinner and showering and watching a movie.

Your eyes drift to your phone every few minutes and you groan, giving in and picking it up.

Eddie: I ended up going straight home, been watching some of your interviews ;)

Eddie: What are you up to? Busy night?

to Eddie: Oh god, don't do that. They're all very boring.

Eddie: Ah but I get to watch a pretty lady tearing apart a bunch of dummies who don't realize they're being insulted.

Your face heats again and you place your face in your hands and let out a very embarrassing noise. You lift you head, staring at your phone and take a rough, deep breath. Eddie was going to kill you, you were sure of it.

You feel like a silly teen with a crush as you text with Eddie for the rest of the evening, his flirting making you want to screech out loud or melt or something.

You fall asleep with a smile on your face and butterflies in your stomach.

You're a little scared to check your phone the next morning, a whole bunch of what if's running through your mind, but a soft ding brings you out of your mind and you couldn't stop the lovesick smile if you tried.

Eddie: good morning, hope you have a good day

to Eddie: you too :)

You spend the rest of the day trying to focus on work, on finishing the editing of your previous interviews and starting on Eddies, but it's hard going when all you want to do is text the man. Taking a quick break, you lean over the bathroom sink and stare at yourself in the mirror. You frown at your reflection.

"Get your shit together" You snap at yourself, "You're not a teenager with a crush, you are a grown woman so act like it."

You sigh and pull yourself away, sitting back down at your desk.

"Alright. We've just got to finish these two interviews, we can totally do this. Totally, they're like ninety percent done already."

You nod at your pep talk and get back to work, newly found focus coasting you through the last few hours of editing for the day.

It's starting to grow dark by the time you save your work and shut down for the day. You feel lazily satisfied from finishing the task you set for yourself for the afternoon and more than ready to publish the videos and transcripts onto your social media sites. Stretching your arms above your head, you let out a soft groan as your back pops.

Picking up your phone, you bite your lip at the messages Eddie had sent you throughout the day.

Eddie: dont work too hard today but kick ass at work today

Eddie: im attempting to write new songs but i dont wanna y'know?

Eddie: i went to get groceries instead. saw a cat :)

Eddie: dont forget to eat lunch

Eddie: ok ok im gonna try to work wish me luck lol

Your stomach growls at you and you realize you did forget to eat lunch again, you groan and start dinner. Sitting on the couch with your plate, you send a message to Eddie.

to Eddie: Sorry, been pretty busy today but i managed to finish up a couple projects and im ready to start working on your interview tomorrow. Did you end up getting any writing done?

to Eddie: And what type of cat was it?

It doesn't take long before your phone is buzzing beside you.

Eddie: she lives! im glad you had a productive day, one of us needs 2 lol and u dont need to edit our interview its already perfect. I wrote like 4 lines of a song.

Eddie: i took a photo of the cat, i'll send it 2 u.

You laugh softly at his messages, his writing getting lazier the more you two talk, not that you mind. The photo comes through and you coo, the cat was incredibly fluffy and stretched out over a brick fence, fast asleep.

Your eyes burn as you look at your phone, a result from staring at a computer screen all day, so you take a deep breath and press call.

"Hey honey!" Eddie's voice filters softly through your phone, "Didn't expect a call to be honest, it was the cat right?"

You laugh and let your eyes slip closed, laying down on the couch and placing the call on speaker phone.

"Absolutely," You hum, "It has nothing to do with my eyes hurting-"

"Aw, you okay? Need anything?"

You can hear the concern in his voice and something inside you swells.

"Nah, I'm good. It's just from being on the computer all day, y'know?" You rub your eyes, "Anyway, what are you up to?"

There's a slight pause before he answers but then he's telling you that he's trying to decide on dinner, weighing up pros and cons of cooking verses ordering in and then he's launching into a tangent on life skills and capitalism.

You let his voice wash over you and you find yourself relaxing until you're almost asleep, drifting in the in-between.

"Still with me baby?" Eddie asks softly, his words not really registering but you hum at the sound of his voice, making him chuckle quietly.

"Go to bed, honey." He croons at you, "We'll talk tomorrow, alright? Dream sweet."

You sleep on the couch that night, dreaming of soft curls and warm brown eyes.

The next week passes in a blur of work, texts, calls and longing. You want to see him again, want to have his deep honey eyes on you, want to hear his voice without the filter of a phone.

You whine about it to Robin a lot, much to her amusement and annoyance.

"Just tell him you like him" She says one night as you recount the latest texting session you and Eddie had the previous day.

"Dude! No! I can't just tell him that" You feel your heart starting to race at the idea, Robin snorts.

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"That's not an answer" She fires back and you groan.

"Because, what if he only wants to be my friend? What if he's like this with everyone? I don't want to make a fool of myself and just because he talks to me doesn't mean he likes me, and there's also the fact that he's like, famous!"

Your words come out in a panicked rush and you breathe heavily while Robin contemplates.

"Y'know, I've been his friend for a while. I don't think I've ever seen him like this about someone, he really does like you. A lot. It's kinda gross."

Her voice is soft and kind and you feel your cheeks heat at her words.

"I don't know what you did to him at the interview but he's like, super gone for you. Pretty sure he's panicking about the same things you are, hun. Trust me when I say that Eddie's not the type of person who'd string you around like that."

"Alright, okay" You sigh, feeling better with her reassurance.

You sit on her advice for a few days, weighing up your decision, when ultimately, Eddie makes it for you.

to Eddie: Eds, I'm posting the interview video and transcripts today. Want me to tag the band's @?

Eddie: Yes, please! You're incredible.

Eddie: Would you like to go out with me? Dinner tonight?

Your heart leaps into your throat and you can't stop the childish giggles as you respond with an enthusiastic yes, yes please I would like that very much.

You don't remember doing much work, too excited about that night to focus properly but you do manage to get the video and transcript online, making sure to tag the band's socials as well as Eddies.

to Eddie: Alright, it's up. What's the dress code for tonight?

Eddie: I just saw and casual, whatever you're comfy in :)

Eddie: What's your address? I'll pick you up at 6?

You give him your address and start getting ready, wanting to look good but not wanting to look like you're trying. A very hard line to walk but you were determined to do so.

A few minutes before six, the doorbell rings and your stomach fills with butterflies. Opening the door for Eddie, your heart stops inside your chest.

He's got his hair tied up in a bun at the back of his head, a few loose curls framing his face. Black jeans and combat boots with chains hanging from the belt, and a faded, well-worn Dio shirt.

His entire face lights up when he sees you, a beaming smile gracing his lips and you're almost ready to fall to your knees and begin proclaiming your everlasting love and devotion to him.

"You look beautiful" He says in lieu of a greeting, eyes roaming your body. You bite your lip softly and his eyes darken, tracing your movement.

"Thanks" You feel almost shy, "Should we go?"

He holds his arm out for you to take and you laugh softly, pulling your door shut behind you and slipping your hand into the crook of his elbow.

He leads you to his car, opening the door for you and closing it after you. Sliding into the drivers seat, his fingers drum against the wheel as he starts the car.

"Where are you takin' me tonight?" You ask softly, turning to look at him as he drives.

"We, my dear, are going to the park"

He glances at you as he says it, the tips of his ears going pink when he realizes you're already watching him.

"The park?" You ask, surprise colouring your voice, "Thought you were taking me out to dinner."

He laughs softy and you feel like you've just won a competition, a prize.

"We're havin' dinner at the park" He beams, "I was going to take you to a restaurant but Steve said not to do that and Robin said you'd like something more personal anyway."

You honestly feel as if you could float, you scrunch your nose at the feeling.

"You talk about me to your friends, huh?" You settle for teasing, enjoying the way Eddie's ears and cheeks bloom with a blush.

"Of course I do" He admits, "I really like you"

You feel your own face heat at his admission and you inhale sharply.

“I- um. I like you, too” You stumble over your words, face flaming and chest tight.

You steadfastly look out the windscreen and miss the look Eddie throws you, like you just handed him the moon. You bite your lip when you feel fingers brush against the side of your hand and shudder when you shift, letting your fingers spread and tangle with his, your palms pressed together.

“I’m glad” He murmurs, giving your hand a soft squeeze before he huffs a laugh, “Would’a made all this kinda awkward if you didn’t.”

You glance over at him and he’s already looking at you, warm smile on his face. He winks, focuses back on the road and lets go of your hand to turn. It doesn’t take much longer for the car to slow to a stop, a comfortable silence settling over you both.

Eddie’s a whirlwind as he rushes out of the car, tripping over his feet as he races to your door before you’ve even finished undoing your seat belt. Laughter bubbles up your throat and you’re chuckling by the time he’s pulling open the door, his cheeks blushing sweetly and eyes warm.

“You’re a dork” You laugh, taking his hand as he holds it out for you, he just smiles wider.

“Y’know, I have been told that” He murmurs as he pulls you closer to him, your breath hitches, “Now. Stand there and look pretty for me while I get our picnic ready.”

You bite your lip and lean against the hood of the car, watching him as he takes out a cooler, basket, blankets and pillows out of the car and rushing back and forth to a nearby tree. It’s tall and old and he sets up the picnic between gnarled roots. Once it’s laid out to his satisfaction he moves to stand in front of you, his fingers reach out and brush against your forearm.

“Good to go?” You ask, voice barely a whisper. He nods, eyes flicking over your face and he gently takes your hand in his, leading you to the blanket.

It’s kind of perfect, honestly. Too many pillows and blankets and Eddie’s brought so much food and there’s soft drinks (I didn’t know what kind you like and I didn’t want to bring booze because I’m driving and like I didn’t want you to think - Eddie breathe).

It’s a lot perfect.

You ask each other questions, you learn anything you can (his favourite colour is, surprisingly, lavender - “it was my mom’s, she used to have this knitted cardigan with little lavender flowers all over it.”)

You talk and talk and talk and the sun slips past the horizon and washes you both in soft golden oranges and reds. You shift closer to Eddie as the night air begins to cool your skin, Eddie notices your shiver because of course he does - he wraps one of the many blankets around your shoulders, presses his body against your side.

"Eddie?" You murmur, resting your cheek onto his shoulder, the soft fabric of his shirt rubs against your cheek.

"Yeah, honey?" He's just as quiet as you, nose brushing along your hairline. Something inside you shudders and trembles before settling into a soft glowing warmth.

"Thank you" Your face turns, forehead pressing against his cheek, "This has been easily the best date I've been on."

He cups your cheek and raises your face to his, your noses brush and he holds you against him.

"Baby, I'm the one who should be thanking you," His voice is rough and sincere, his eyes boring into yours, "For even giving me a chance. For letting me text you all day, every day. For making our interview so fun."

Baby, baby, baby, the word rattles around in your brain and you think you could cry. You're not sure how you've ended up here but you are and you are so, so grateful.

"Remind me to thank Robin for suggesting I interview you." Your words brush against his lips and you're leaning in, pressing your lips against his.

Eddie doesn't hesitate, kissing you back softly, sweetly. It's perfect. The date, the kiss, him. You kiss and kiss and kiss. He keeps it soft and sweet, innocent almost, and you want and want.

You sit together, wrapped up in each other and blankets, trading little kisses until your eyes begin to droop and you're yawning more than you are kissing Eddie. He rubs his palms up and down your arms.

"C'mon, I'll take you home, sweetheart."

You let him help you up, let him guide you to the car, let him assist you into your seat. You watch as he quickly packs up the picnic and loads the car.

You watch, head turned to rest against the seat as he starts the car. You watch as his gaze drifts from the road to you every few minutes and watch his hands as they hold the wheel and you watch as he parks the car in front of your building.

He turns and watches you, watching him.

"You're really sweet, Eddie." You say softly, limbs tingling as his lips curl softly at your words, your smile turns into something more teasing, "Knew you were hot shit but sweet too? Talk about a whole package here."

Eddie's cheeks are bright red and he's pressing his lips together tightly, he shakes his head fondly.

"Bed time for you, I think," and then he's walking you to your door, warm hands holding your face and a kiss being pressed against your lips, "Goodnight baby, dream sweet."

You murmur a soft goodnight, get home safe, please let me know when you're home safe, and then you're in bed, clutching your phone and waiting for that I'm home text.

You fall asleep between one breath and the next.

You don't get to see Eddie for a while after that, but you speak everyday - all day if you can. Good morning texts and random anecdotes about your days, soft words and sweeter wishes, I miss yous and goodnights.

You're swamped with work, fielding emails because apparently you're super popular now - Eddie's video went viral and now everyone's trying to book you for interviews and the comments on every one of your social media's. It's exhausting, honestly.

You call Eddie to complain, and he coos at you, teasing you and taking your mind off the sudden explosion of work.

"That's not nice, you're mean," You pout, phone pressed against your cheek, heart fluttering at Eddie's smooth laughter.

"Thought I was sweet, baby" He teases, recalling your sleepy words on your date. You can picture his wide smile as he teases you, and you just want.

"Are you busy?" You ask on a sigh, expecting the answer to be yes - Eddie's been telling you that he's on a roll with new songs and music, said he's been inspired. "Wanna see you, like, a lot. I know it's only been a couple weeks but-"

"For you? I'm free as a bird" He sounds like an absolute angel, "Want me to come over?"

And, well. That sounds perfect.

"Please. I'll cook us dinner, if you like."

"Heaven sent, you." Eddie groans, softly. "I'll be there in like twenty minutes, baby."

It feels more like five before you're letting him into your apartment. You've barely got the door shut before his arms are wrapped around you, pulling you close to his chest and holding you.

"Missed you too, baby." Eddie says into your hair, arms squeezing you softly.

You go boneless against him, stress melting away in the safe circle of Eddie's arms. Eddie presses quick kisses to your hair, forehead, temples, wherever he can reach without pulling away.

You lean back, press your lips against his and you loose yourself in the sensation of being held close and kissed by Eddie Munson.

It's nothing like the sweet kisses you shared during your date. It's a little more. More intense, more burning and has you feeling weak in the knees.

Eddie's tongue brushes against your lower lip, and your insides light up like fireworks. Your lips part on a sigh and Eddie dips his tongue inside your mouth teasingly before he pulls away. Pecking you softly and smiling at you.

"Hey"

"Hey, gorgeous girl." His eyes go soft, warm, "No stressin' about work, alright?"

You nod, step back, tug at his hand, lead him to your couch and pull him down with you. You curl into him and Eddie wraps his arms around you again.

A kiss is pressed to the top of your head.

"What do you feel like for dinner?" You ask, cheek pressed firmly against his chest. Your stomach flutters at the feel of solid muscle beneath your skin, the warmth of him, the steady rise of his breathing, the beat of his heart.

His grip on you tightens and he's pulling you down as he lays, forcing you between him and the back of the couch. One of his hands grips your waist tight and the other is gently cradling your head to his chest.

"Anything. You could make me burnt toast and I'd be the happiest person alive," You snort and he tilts your face up slightly, "I'm serious. You're amazing, you really are. And I'm not just saying that because I like you so much, well, I mean, I guess I kinda am but you know what I mean. You're so, so smart, and funny and talented and passionate and caring, charming and so beautiful."

You're shifting so you're hovering over him slightly, face inches away from his as he talks. You've never been one to associate those things about yourself but as Eddie says it, you think you believe it. Your chest feels like it's going to burst and you slide your hand up from his side, resting against his own racing heart while he continues,

"Like, I was so gone for you even before we met. Is that weird? That's weird but I would see the photos Robin would take of you when the two of you hung out and like, sure I thought you were the prettiest person I've ever seen but then she would start telling us stories about you and oh man, you were my dream girl. Absolutely. And then Robin's calling me, asking me to do you a favor? I said yes so fast she laughed at me and hung up."

You're grinning now as he talks, it's a little embarrassing but you feel happy, adored.

"And then, then I was there with you and you were even prettier in person and so goddamn funny? My heart just about gave out and -"

You cut him off by kissing him.

You both melt into it. Eddie's fingers tangling into your hair, keeping you close. You press against his chest and slide your body over his, covering him completely as you slowly run out of air. You pull away, take a deep breath and press right back in. Eddie makes a small sound at the back of his throat and the hand that's not holding your head, slides down to the small of your back, pressing and keeping you firmly against him, like you'd want to be anywhere else.

The kiss quickly heats, gets messier, desire and fire and something a whole lot like love thrum through your veins and you want and need.

You shift slightly, rocking your hips gently down and oh, oh.

Eddie groans, his hand splayed over your lower back moves, grips your ass and pulls you down to him. He rocks against you and you feel him getting hard beneath you and you're moving. Slipping off him, getting to your feet as you fist at his shirt, tugging him up with you and then you're both stumbling to your room while trying to not break the kiss and feel as much of each other as you can.

Your arm slams into the door frame and your whine is lost in Eddie's lips, his hand gently rubs at your shoulder to soothe, and then you're on your bed, Eddie on top of you and pressing you into the mattress. His hair falls around your face, curtaining you both from the outside world and making you feel like there's no one else - time slows and stops and then its you and Eddie, the last two people on the planet.

His lips travel, moving from yours and down your jaw, your neck. He leans over and presses a few quick kisses to your shoulder where you banged it before he's at your throat again, doing his best to cover you in his marks, whether it's from his lips or teeth.

You hold him close and squirm, breathing heavy through parted, kiss swollen lips. His hand slips under your shirt, fingertips gently brushing along your side and coming to rest at your waist. You whine out his name and struggle to free your legs from under him, Eddie lifts slightly and you quickly wrap your legs around his hips, locking you together.

"Eds" You breathe out as he nips at your neck, he trembles and stops, lifting his head and looking at you like you were responsible for lighting the sun and hanging the stars in the sky.

"Eds," You sigh, fingers caressing his face, "Want you."

You see his expression shudder with desire and he surges up, kissing you.

"You've got me," He says, voice rough and deep, "You got me. Wanna make you feel good, baby, can I?"

You nod and press a soft yes Eddie, yes into his lips and then you're both pulling at clothes. Slowly revealing yourselves to each other, it's slow and lazy as you both touch and look your fill with each new bit of skin shown.

Desire is under your skin, but it's simmering, a slow burn that lets you focus on sharing yourself with Eddie rather than a desperate need to be filled.

He kisses and mouths at every inch of your skin, hands touching and caressing anywhere and everywhere. You've never felt so wanted as you do right now with Eddie pressing kisses along your chest and down your torso, with his hands gently keeping you from falling apart.

He kisses his way down until he's reached the waistband of your pants, eyes flicking up to yours. You hold his face, smile, give a small nod, watch as Eddie's eyes slip closed and he presses his lips to your fingertips, you burn.

Eddie slowly shimmies you out of your pants, then his own, and you're both naked together. He sighs quietly as he kneels in between your legs, fingers skating up your calf and thigh. His eyes are darting around like he's trying to drink you in and keep you, how you are right now, burned in his memory.

You do the same.

He's lean, pale skin stretched over wiry muscles. Years of lugging heavy equipment has toned his arms, shoulders, chest. You trace one of his tattoos on his thigh, the closest you can reach without moving - there's so many more than you thought and you want to catalogue every single one, with your fingers and lips and eyes.

"You're so beautiful." He whispers.

The moment feels delicate, gentle, and loud words don't feel right. You wrap your fingers around his wrist, gently pull.

"Eddie"

You're just as quiet, his name leaving your lips on a soft breath. He leans down and softly kisses you before he's moving again, settling down between your legs and your legs shake as you feel the first press of his lips against you.

He's slow about it, running his tongue along your folds like he's got nowhere else to be. It's gentle and soft and has you quaking. You bury your fingers in his hair and Eddie's gripping your thighs, bringing you impossibly closer. He moans so quietly you would have missed it if it weren't for the vibration shooting through you and stoking the fire building under your skin.

"Eddie," You moan, tugging on his hair, "Eddie"

You chance a look at him, and your eyes almost roll back at the sight. He looks blissed out, eyes almost closed and face slack as he eats you out like you're the best damn thing he's ever tasted.

It doesn't escape your notice that he's rocking his hips down, grinding onto the mattress, and that's oh, oh that's enough.

You yank hard enough on his hair that he pulls away, his lips swollen and red, his chin and jaw covered in your slick. You twist and reach for your bedside drawer, praying you didn't forget to replace your expired condoms. You almost cheer out loud when your fingers brush one.

You kiss him as you tear it open, fingers finding Eddie's cock and rolling it on, he whines as you touch him.

Eddie guides you into laying back on the bed, settling between your legs. He's covering you completely, arms and hair surrounding you and caging you in, and he looks at you, eyes finding yours.

"Eddie"

He brushes his nose along yours. His lips gently caress your skin. He hums, and soft words are breathed into your cheek - I've got you baby, you're perfect, so perfect.

Then he's pressing inside you.

He moves slowly as he fills you, trembling moans falling from both your lips. Your eyes burn, tears stinging and you struggle to breathe. You've never felt so full, so wanted, so complete.

"Shh, darling"

He rolls his hips against yours and you cling to him, fingers digging into his arms and back.

"Eddie"

He whispers your name and begins to gently thrust into you. It's heaven. It's rapture. You've never felt so connected to another and you're sure you're seeing your death, your life. Time slips away, it's just you and him, him and you, together.

Eddie keeps the pace slow, gentle, it makes you feel wanted and adored. Desired. You rock your hips up in time with him and he groans, presses his forehead against yours.

"Baby, baby. Look at me."

He's pleading, almost begging you. Your fingers grip him tightly and put your eyes open, find his. Something ignites and you feel yourself hurtling towards your climax.

"With me," Eddie moans, hips rolling faster, "Baby. Baby. With me."

"Yeah, yeah. Eddie."

Your fingers dig harder into his back and you tremble, keeping your eyes locked on his. Fireworks explode in your nerves and you're shaking apart, whining loudly as you drown in bliss.

Eddie's hips stutter and he groans until he's stilling, panting and boneless. He's still buried inside you and he settles his weight a little more firmly on you as you share oxygen, pressed so close that you can't be sure you haven't become one - melded together and fused.

You don't burn it, but you end up having toast for dinner.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, even with how integrated we are and how much less dissociated we are, we oddly still retain a large amount of our ability to "schedule" our more complex and negative emotions - and honestly, sometimes we do HAVE to schedule it because we've grown so blind to them that unless we actively attend to it, we will miss it entirely

And so like... from 11 am to 3:30 pm I just let myself be moody, depressed and moderately suicidal - starting at 11 am because I "had to deal with it and spend time to find out what I was unintentionally running from otherwise Id be stuck feeling disconnected" and actively chose to hold it until I was able to get home from work so that I could vent about it and receive healthy support, care, and feedback from my fiance so that I could healthily share it and put it aside.

And in the past, when we (I specifically) were a lot less comfortable with feeling a lot and when said feelings always felt like death, this control was arguably a lot more harmful than it was helpful as it was near impossible to convince me now was an okay time to tune into myself and experience that

But these days, I think my parts have really desensitized me to the idea of feeling like shit having to be a painful or hurtful thing

And in a weird way, maybe its me having been semi fused with Chunn at the time, but I was honestly enjoying being really depressed. Not in the "Id love to do this again" but more so in the sense that it was really cleansing feeling, it was very intimate and internally bonding with myself to be honest and raw like that. I knew I could tune out when I wanted to, and even as passive suicidality began to trickle into almost active, I oddly really didn't feel like "stopping it". In a way, it was very healing and refreshing to feel that even though it was such a bad feeling

And I dunno what to think about that other than general cheers for recovery. Its such a different relationship to my internal experiences than it used to be as Riku-Mc-Fears-Feelings a few years back

Its weird, but I dont doubt that its also good.

[pixelshary]

hello again! thank you for answering my previous ask.

i tried your origin id shary24, with and with a capital s. i even tried searching the names of the builds only, and exiting the game and still nothing came up. :(

i’m not sure if it was the gallery, i searched a few other creators and they’d pop up. i’ll try again later on today just in case!

i was looking for cordelia’s secret cottage and little nook falls. absolutely love your builds, by the way. :]

hi again anon!! 👋😊 ok so i tried it myself to find me under shary24 ... nothing .. changed it to Shary24 and i found me ... 😕 interestingly enough other ID's no matter if all letters are small or whatever , i find them.

that's very strange to me and i have no idea if a new ID would fix it or if i can send ea a message about that .. and i dunno if that has something to do with the gallery stuff they doing or if they done 🙇‍♀️ i will look into it and hopefully it will be ok at some point. otherwise maybe if you can't find it i will try to uploud the tray files. what you can try in the meantime is to look for my hashtag #pixelshary . using this i found some of my builds and maybe you can find my other stuff then too. 🤗🌼 and thank you so so much! appreciate that alot!! 🥺🌼🧡 have a beautiful weekend dear anon! ☕🌿

[vallikesgivinghugs]

Ooh sounds fun let's do it!

Under read more because y'know don't want people to have to scroll through all of that if they don't care.

1. IbisPaintX, honestly it was my first art program I ever actually used but now I'm FireAlpaca's bitch.

2.Oooh I personally really enjoy/have an easier time drawing front facing characters, profiles are so darn difficult.

3. Big bright and noticeable eyeshines i guess! Always been a thing for me, so my characters always have extra bright eyes. Or i guess eyes in general are a thing I kept from my kiddie days.

4. Crystaline stuff and MAGIC. I love them both so much but god can I not draw them for the life of me. And hair! But hair i'm starting to figure out!

5. Now that I think about it's pretty darn close id I do say so myself! Like 40 to 45% i post online (mostly on discord) and then 55 to 60% i keep to myself!

6. When I draw cats it's a lot of inspo from different warrior cats fandom big names but in general anime is my big inspo!

7.Traditional painting! I tried painting and it's just not for me but I love the way it looks and how many thing people can do with it!

8. God the amount of stories and characters that I've just left as wips in immense. I have adhd, can't finish stuff for shit.

9. Usually if it's one character it's 'character name' and then you add a number or a descriptor (aka smile or smth). Otherwise it's just like 2 or 3 words of what the drawing is. And then I group those in like 'finished art' 'wips' etc!

10.Ooh tough one. I do enjoy drawing poofy sleeved shirts or like long flowy dresses/skirts.

11.Ranges from romance music playlists to true crime and everything in between! I just need a background noise honestly. Doesn't really matter what the noise is.

12. Face. I draw floating heads on the regular.

13. Junji Ito. His style is just so freakin' interesting and his grasp on anatomy is just amazing! But, personally I'm not the biggest horror/gore fan so I don't actually read his stuff. I just find his art nifty when I see it.

14.Polkadots or stripes. Love that stuff.

15.In my room personally but I used to go out to parks and draw there when I was younger.

16.Lineart. everyone is always sayin' stuff like 'Wow your lines are so nice and clean' and while I do agree that it's one of my strengths personally my lineart always looks rigid and wrong to me. I tend to prefer my sketches and nowadays I usally clean those up and use 'em as the lineart.

17.Nope. i completely forget that my body has bodily functions when i draw. I get invested X3

18.Not many! Honestly it's less that I break them on purpose and more that I'm clumsy and drop stuff all the time but on the regular I try my best not to break stuff.

19.Flowers and bushes!

20. Armor of any kind, love me some shiny metals and belts and buckles.

21. I really like the disney style (both 2d and 3d) and I'm really a big fan of 3d animation in anime (studio orange with Trigun Stampede and Land of the Lustrous have my heart)

22.none I live on the edge. (Don't do this, please stretch your hands I'm just a dumbass)

23.I use so many layers and so many of them are multiply and add it's not even funny.

24.Yes. stock images are really good for poses and stuff. I often makes collages of multiple of them to get what I want exactly.

25. Hmmm, i dunno if that's happened to me actually.

26.Nothing comes to mind but i'm sure it's happened!

27.I draw a bunch of circles. And sometimes doodle like different body parts or sonas of mine loosely.

28.I participated in the artfight of 2023! It was a good time.

29.live action tv shows and just non-animated movies/stuff in general! I can write fanfic wips for days but drawing them? Nah.

30.hmmm can't think of any? I probably have one or two that I wish got more attention but usually the attention my art gets is pretty on par with what I' expecting!

Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game

Didn't see a lot of artist ask games, wanted to make a silly one.

(I wrote this while sick out of my mind last year and it's been collecting dust in my drafts, I might as well let it run free) 1. Art programs you have but don't use

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

3. What ideas come from when you were little

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

9. What are your file name conventions

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

12. Easiest part of body to draw

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

14. Any favorite motifs

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

23. Do you use different layer modes

24. Do your references include stock images

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

[privacyredux]

45oz water

4:14pm - los angeles

today has been kind of slow tbh. not in a bad way though. i got to catch up a bit more with charlie and eric. i made plans or well, i guess i'll get to that bit later. since i wasn't going to dinner at charlie's i went shopping with them for the shit she'd need. honestly she's who encouraged me to come down in the first place and ive had a really good week plus in los angeles. better than usual actually. it's honestly not my favorite place in general, but i don't really feel like i have any complaints. i got my ass handed to me by ai again, but i guess that's just how shit goes. at least im not alone bc she did too.

the reason i can't go to dinner is bc i have other dinner plans. last night i went to see valeria at work again. it was kind of funny bc i offered to bring her some candy (sour patch watermelons) she was talking about doordashing and she kept insisting that she needed to pay for it and give me the tip she had planned on giving them. which turned into offering to pay for my drinks and me saying id just give her that money and more in tips. i guess she really has strict feelings about owing other people or something. regardless, even though i said i didn't think she owed me anything, we settled on dinner tonight as a compromise. i'm looking forward to it.

but anyway, uh it was fun. i did some karaoke. *nsync at her request and then doing bastille's laura palmer brought us around to talking about twin peaks, which she had never seen. and truly isn't even optimistic about enjoying, bc apparently she hasn't enjoyed much david lynch. she was gonna give it a try though, so even if it's pure complaints it'll be interesting to get her take. i dunno what it is, i do find most of valeria's views interesting, but even in general i just like hearing what people think about shit. like barring some offensive shit, even if i completely disagree and want to debate what they're getting out of it, it still keeps me completely occupied hearing another person's take on it.

yeah so that's how i had dinner plans for today. otherwise, i spoke a bit with blair again about lotr bc i was watching a minimal amount of rings of power just to do it. if i start it, i'll be more likely to continue and feel caught up for the new season. freya has been pretty busy so i haven't talked to her as much as i had the week prior. and im trying to make some direct plans with sabrina so i don't miss her before she's crazy busy. as much as i have a tour starting next weekend it's just for a little bit and hers is a whole ass thing. so hopefully i'll see her at the event and hang out a bit. i plan on coming to see her on tour too, but i know how that goes. it's all chaotic for me and i don't have nearly as much shit going when im on tour. i really doubt i understand the chaos of that level pop tour.

other than what's going on this week, and packing and cleaning up my place a bit, i think i'm ready for tour. ready to be pulled out of everything for a little bit and just immersed in work. especially in japan. i know i'll have a good time and i can kind of just enjoy everything around me and revisit places i love. i don't know there's an awful lot of love that i get out of visiting there. i'm positive it'll make me feel good regardless.

i watched something this week, i forget what, where one of the characters pretended to be an eels fan and it's just had them on the brain. also, i mentioned liking myself less when i was numb and it came together. and it's true. eric is keeping an eye on things too which is nice. probably not necessary, but i probably would've said that even when it was. so i'll accept the help and attention there.

falling apart - slow pulp

why do i cry - margo guryan

novocaine for the soul - eels

[turnbacktyne]

/ /tw emeto, Dream situation, anxiety, self harm in tags

.

I'm just so tired of fucking up

[fonulyn]

I need to scream about RE ID bc like. Did I enjoy it? Yeah, I did. Was it. Just wrapped up way too nicely and quickly? Also yeah. I was a little disappointed by it tho, like the length, and the flashback scenes weren't as clear as I think they should have been? Like I understood what was happening, but it took me a little too much brain power to like keep up with what was and wasn't a flashback lmao

Also I wanna say, I get wanting to keep Jun See alive but god, that did not look fun. Just let him die, dude, no one wants to live like that, smh.

Thank god they kept Leon's one liners tho, like thank you for that at least lol also Claire, my GIRL, I love her holy shit. Honestly she was amazing, like, just perfect. Not sure why she has a gun in the promotional poster, bc she just. Never has a gun throughout the entire show, I don't think? Also can we talk about how she took that guy down with that lamp, and then hopped on top of him just fucking ready to continue to beat the shit out of him? Chris would be so proud 🥲

Okay also, I saw what you said with that flirting scene, and I agree that it seemed like Leon was trying to lighten the mood, but it so didn't need to be put in there at all @ the writers. Like this show could have gotten away with no romance, or just that one moment near the end with Claire and Leon (which, I don't ship them much, and that moment at the v end where she was like "are you ever gonna stop treating me like a kid?" And he responded with "probably not" or whatever kind of ruined whatever was shown earlier? Like it feels like she's had that convo with Chris before too, so I'm like hm no don't imply romance and then imply that he treats her like a little kid every time they run into each other, now it's weird lol) and been fine. None of the story was contingent on any kind of romance between anyone.

Now with that said, can I just say Patrick absolutely wanted to suck Leon's dick? Like he was smitten, and I bet you they at least fuck after all this is said and done, if not date for a short period of time. I thought they were gonna kill Patrick off, I'm glad they didn't tho, he was v wholesome lol.

Also I wanna mention that every serious moment (save a small handful) I just. I couldn't take it seriously, it was too over the top. Acid? Really? That's the self destruct measure? Slowly rising acid? I dunno, that doesn't seem quite right to me, I don't think that's how it works lol

Honestly they should have just made this into a new movie, bc making it a series implies more to follow and in general a longer narrative, but these eps were barely 20 minutes each, so there's almost no point splitting it like that. Did I enjoy myself? Yeah, I always do when Leon is involved, but it could have been so much better.

Also the silly little shipper in me is kind of desperate for more interaction between Chris and Leon, bc as far as I'm aware it's just RE6, RE vendetta, and RE ID (and I think the person who told Chris to save Claire in either code x or Veronica was Leon? Not 100% about that tho lol) where they actually interact with each other, and considering that they're the two main characters of the franchise, they should probably meet up more? Idk, that's just my gay ass hoping for more Chreon content lmao but still.

ANYWAYS yeah, I would rate the show like a 7.5/10? It wasn't amazing but it wasn't garbage, either. Probably my least favorite of the four animated movies tbh, but I will take the Leon content, thank you Capcom. Also it was interesting to see Leon around the time following/around RE4 and RE degeneration, I thought, I dunno.

oh boy I agree 100% it was wrapped up way too quickly in the end. like killing Jason? by just dropping him in the acid? it was way too simple and easy if you ask me. and like, why didn't he yeet Leon into the acid when he had him by the throat? him not killing Leon makes zero sense to me??

asdfg yeah I get they weren't ready to let Jun See go, but I bet Jun See really would've preferred to go...

I am so happy that they kept the one liners!! Leon felt very, very in character which I loved so much. I was afraid they'd tone it down or make him super serious or so, and it was such a relief they didn't. he was so eager to help and so goddamn kind to everyone I don't know if my heart can even handle it ;;;;;

also Claire!! so badass!! I loved the part where she attacked the guy with the lamp (yes Chris would be super proud haha) and THE HEADBUTT seriously, one of the top highlights of the entire series :'D

(but honestly this is gonna get long i'mma gonna hit that read more here)

and the flirting scene, I do think they could've left it out entirely and it felt a little strong-armed in. but I'm trying to look at the silver lining? Leon was super goddamn adorable in it, like, so cute it hurts :'D and Shen May didn't seem bothered really, it was more this joking thing between them. so while yes, it was unnecessary, i'm focusing on the joking feel of it and choosing to interpret it as such :'D

also, can I just say, the "romantic moment" with Claire and Leon near the end didn't feel very romantic to me? I know it's a romcom cliché (or at least a fanfic cliché lmao) how they ended up in a pile after the rescue but ...it didn't scream romance to me? although I do kind of like the pairing! (not a top fave but a cute one)

and yes, the whole "when are you gonna stop treating me like a kid?" "probably never" felt SO much like a sibling moment!! such big brother energy from Leon, and I don't know, that made me super duper happy?? I want them to be friends. I neeeed them to be friends gdi. which is why I am unhappy with how mad Claire seemed to be at Leon in the end and how they left it off like they did. I am hoping that it sets things up for a second season? and they for whatever reason need them on kind of the opposing sides at first? because otherwise it makes no sense to me for her to be that disappointed in him. in Degeneration they already establish they work in different ways towards the same goal, and for that to do a 180 now feels... like a disservice to the characters? idk?

lmaooooo but yes Patrick 100% wanted to suck Leon's dick he didn't even try to be subtle about it :'D idk I would've wanted Patrick to have more depth and screentime too, i so wish they would've made it a longer series and given the characters more development. because I liked pretty much all of the new characters they introduced! but it feels none of them reached their actual potential!

then again that is kind of the whole deal with resident evil in general, they set up awesome characters and end up wasting them half of the time :'D guess i shouldn't be surprised.

THE SLOWLY RISING ACID PISSED ME OFF lmaooo c'mon!! it doesn't seem like a good self destruct measure. especially since ...you'd need different acid to dissolve organic matter and to dissolve inorganic matter if we're being nitpicky. and how would it be plausible for them to store enough of it safely to even do this?? they should've just detonated the whole place and blown it to smithereens or something, the acid was. stupid.

i agree, it feels like a movie. but I think @tirsynni is probably right when saying that it was sort of a test run to see if they should make more? which I am so hoping for. because even with the complaints I have of this, I DID enjoy it, a lot!! and I do want more! and maybe this time we get Claire and Leon actually working together for more than fifteen seconds! :'D

also I definitely would not say no to more Chris and Leon interactions. (yes it was Leon who told Chris to save Claire :) at least that) it... in general makes no sense to me how capcom seems to think friendships work? like how Sherry is all "Leon and Claire are my best friends" and then they imply they haven't met in years? if not more? idek it's. weird. it's like their characters go into storage containers in between their missions to be stored away so they can't even accidentally have personal lives or friendships or anything. weird.

(what I said about having amazing characters and ending up wasting their potential? yeah)

for me, personally, it's... well, my score for the show would depend on whether I just focus on the characterizations and what I liked, or if I try to actually take the plot and all into account too :'D but I did like this more than Degeneration! already the fact that Leon has actual facial expressions is enough to put it way above that one. (and for the record, I don't hate Degeneration either, I do like it, but... Leon is such a cardboard cutout with zero personality in it, it's super frustrating)

idk I think I need to still process this a bit to see how I will like it in the end :'D there are things i'm super hyped about in it, and things i'm disappointed in, let's see how they'll weigh in the overall experience eventually.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding.  (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship?  Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right?  We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk.  I guess it’s overdue.  :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not?  So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah.  Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well.  Low-point.  Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move.  No Breath huh?  What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help.  XD  She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap.  And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh!  No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back.  He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess.  (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh.  Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep!  Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor.  Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME.  What is that outfit and pose.  Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling.  JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap 

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass  (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD.  Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry?  Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars?  Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something?  (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task?  And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch.  Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was.  (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous?  I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~  get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit?  Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no.  Wait.  What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!?  Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES.  God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN!  And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise!  If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!?  And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they??  This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to.  FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad.  Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is.  OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it????  For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing.  And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely.  :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories.  Is it just the Hiveswap device or something?  If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline.  Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation?  What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage!  And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction.  “ok.”  Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility.  Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John.  ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No?  So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck?  Calliope SAW all this?  Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there?  And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already.  Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep.  Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline.  It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck.  You’re going to regulate non-canon?  “Canonize” it?  Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it.  Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point.  Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention!  That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough.  Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit.  Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska.  Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--?  Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?!  I don’t know.  Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there.  But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?!  Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #341

“anger, misery, you’ll suffer unto me”

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? I don't think so. Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? No, and I never would. Grow up. Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? No. Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? Yeah; guilt would eat me alive otherwise. Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? Fucking ew, no. Have you ever held back a well-deserved compliment because you were jealous? No. Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? Ugh, no. Would most people consider you better than average looking? Ha, no. For yourself, would you rather have a perfect body or high IQ? Give me the perfect body, living in my horrible one has affected my mental health badly enough. I'm fine with having a moderate IQ. I just want to feel happy in my own skin. Have you ever embarrassed some intentionally in public? Wow, no. Have you ever used a false ID? Also no. Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I'm embarrassed to tell people I don't HAVE a job. Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I don't. I'm sure it was RP-related and not friendly, but I don't remember the exact convo. Have you ever got a D or F on your report card? I want to say no; I think the lowest I ever got was a C. If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? Ugh, no. I'm sorry if you're into it, but I'm just not. I would want to ensure they knew their uniqueness and individuality was seen. Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? There's a large number of those kinds of people. What brings out the worst in you? Probably when I'm building up towards a PTSD meltdown. I get VERY short and snappy and am convinced everyone hates and wants to leave me. My mouth also has NO fucking leash, and I know I can say very mean things that I'll regret later. What do you prefer, Skittles or Starbursts? Skittles. Mike & Ikes or Jolly Ranchers? Jolly Ranchers for sure. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Waffles (with syrup). Don't knock it 'til you try it, I'm telling you. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live? Besides birds obviously, there's squirrels, deer, opossums, raccoons... Have you ever had a lucid dream? I think I've had just one. What's your biggest problem at the moment? Probably my anxiety having stunted my growth in so many areas. Have you ever turned down a job offer? I don't think so, no. What's the longest hospital stay you've had? For what? I think my longest was almost two months for suicidal thoughts. Two months might sound long, but it was like... my third or so psych hospital stay for that same reason. What's something really basic that you're terrible at? Even the most simple math. I don't even know the majority of my elementary multiplication tables. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I have one there already, but I plan on getting it covered because it was an impulse tattoo that I feel no connection towards. Have you ever searched for your house on Google Earth? My old house, yeah. Are you a beach, country, or city person? Country. Living in the suburbs has definitely reminded me of that... Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Typing, by a long shot. I make typos texting too much. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yeah. Who is the last person that you said "I love you" to, besides family members? Sara. When was your first real relationship? Sophomore year of high school to early college. Have you ever cried over an ex? I've cried the entire mass of water on Earth over an ex lmao. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? I think I have once or twice, but obviously with consent. What’s a hobby you would like to try out? If my legs worked like actual legs and I didn't sweat like an absolute pig, I would like to try out herping, but without actually interacting with the animal like picking it up and scaring the daylights out of it. I'd just be happy enough looking for reptiles, amphibians, and inverts to photograph instead. Does that still even count as herping? What was the last event you attended? My youngest niece's birthday party. How about the last event you organized? I've never organized an event. What’s something you get excited about doing and want to do it right away? Whenever I take nature pictures, I'm immediately keen to get them into Lightroom and do the postproduction. Is there anything you feel you’re better at than anybody else? Definitely not. What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? If you exclude places like the zoo, that would probably be a rhinoceros beetle or something. Oh no, actually some kind of local moth I don't know the name of. They're beautiful big white boiz. How about the biggest spider? I might be mis-remembering, but I believe at a reptile convention I went to with Sara, one of the vendors had a goliath bird eater tarantula in one of the cups. I do know it was some tarantula species for sure, though. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad. Obviously not romantically, but him just splitting on the family with no proper communication absolutely broke my heart for years. First person to give you flowers or candy on Valentine’s day? I'm sure that would be my parents. If you exclude them 'cuz that's kinda obvious, I believe it was Aaron, my first boyfriend. I'm pretty sure we were together on Valentine's Day, because I remember getting him a giant Hershey's Kiss. First band you obsessed about? I wasn't truly obsessed with any band 'til Ozzy in middle school. Can you do a backflip? No; I've never tried and never will. I was and still am too afraid of breaking my neck. Like I have a MASSIVE fear of paralysis, particularly from the neck down; that fear is actually the biggest one that keeps me from driving, fun fact. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Of the two, definitely a pessimist, but I at least think I align most with being a realist. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I'm unsure. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same sex? Yeah. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Just one. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Tyler once drew a picture of him and me. It was cute. That guy still dove in WAY too fast. Have you ever dated a redhead? I haven't, but I love redheads. Natural red hair is just gorgeous. What are your thoughts on facial hair on guys? Historically, I seem to generally like some, but it really depends on the guy's general appearance. I can like none at all or a full beard and mustache, it doesn't really matter to me. Did you go anywhere today? No; my mom is in Florida with her brothers totally cleaning out Grammy's house, so she's not here to take me anywhere. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Oh yikes, I have a lot. I honestly can't count because I've lost track of how many boys and girls Katie has. You have a choice to shoot your father or die, what would you do? Jesus. I'd rather die; some things just aren't worth living after, and I'd have no desire to keep going if I killed my father. Did you ever cry at the end of King Kong? I've never watched it, actually, but I. LOVED. The video game. I haven't played it in years and only faintly remember how it ends, but I don't remember crying. Are you in any amount of pain at the moment? Quite a lot, actually. It's kinda a TMI subject so I won't delve into it, just know I'm hurting like a bitch. What was the last sugary thing you ate? I snacked on some chocolate chips earlier today... which I really shouldn't have done, but I think I had reasonable restraint and didn't totally binge. When was the last time you did something extremely stupid? Who knows, that's not a rare occurrence, it feels like. Have you been to any parties lately? Only my niece's bday party in February. Thankfully it was kept pretty small, given Covid; not that anyone in that family besides my sister gives a flying fuck about precautions, though... Can you touch your pinky to your thumb around your wrist? Ugh, no. Close, but not enough. I still have thin wrists and hands, but yeah, yay for being overweight. If you were to start a charity, what would you call it? I'd hve to put more thought than I'm willing for one survey question. I'd have to decide what KIND of charity I want to start first, which I'm unsure of. Probably something related to animal wellfare and conservation or something similar to the Trevor Project. Maybe LBGTQ+ youth disowned by their families... I dunno. There's so much good I wish I could do. Are you comfortable with your body? Holy fuck no. It's only gotten worse since I started gaining weight again and almost entirely erased all weight loss progress I'd made. What is your recent inside joke? Most recently made? Idk, man. I don't make those often. Would you rather be a human, vampire, or a werewolf? Er, I'm good with being a human. If I was a vampire or werewolf, I wouldn't exactly be very welcomed, I'm sure, and both have seemingly painful traits to cope with. Are you good at giving directions? It is absolutely impossible for me. I have NO sense of direction, like, at all. I don't know highway names, local exits, etc. etc. etc. etc. Why did you last curse? Pain when readjusting myself due to aforementioned issue I'm having. What is your purpose in life? I hope it involves animals and spreading words of peace and an appreciation for art. What is one of your weak points? I'm very, very, very dependent on others. I'm really working on trying to correct that. I can barely do shit on my own as is. Who was the last person you heard snoring? My cat, haha. Would you rather shower by yourself or with another person? 100% by myself. Another person would just get in the way and make me VERY self-conscious of my body, even if it was my romantic partner. Just please leave me alone to hate myself for 10 minutes. :^) What was your last addiction? You could say my current one is John Wolfe, a really funny let's player I've gotten into. Been bingeing some of my favorite games he has playlists of for a few weeks now. You are in a tank full of spiders, what do you do? Well one, I'd like to know what kind they are. Venomous? Harmless? You gotta give me the details. If I don't have any, then I'm admittedly freaking the fuck out, even though I know I should stay very calm when trying to get out. Fear would win, though. If killing yourself meant saving the world, would you? Saving the world from what? But odds are, yeah. I don't cherish my pretty damn mediocre life more than I do the lives of what, 8 billion people? Have you ever stayed up all night just to talk to someone? Yeah. When was the last time you eavesdropped someone? I kinda do that sometimes when Mom's on the phone and I can hear her from my room, and if they're on speaker. Particularly if the subject is me. When was the last time you went to a club? I've never been to one. How have you been sleeping? Poorly. Are you adopted? No, I'm not. Do you like scrapbooking? Not really, no. Do you collect anything valuable? "Valuable to me." <<<< This. Nothing of great monetary worth, though. Have you ever been beaten up? No, thankfully. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I don't think so, in my personal life. What was the last thing you killed? An ant. Have you ever used someone for money? I never could, no. When was the last time you went to the zoo? Sigh, it's been many many years. I'm so ready to get my goddamn legs back in shape so I can go again, this time with a REAL camera, too. Last time I went was when I still only had a Kodak EasyShare; I have a professional Canon camera now with much more education on photography too, so I would be in absolute heaven with at least twenty memory cards in need, haha. Maybe next fall... Is there a teacher you hate more than anything? I actually never had a teacher I hated in my entire school career. It really, really is as simple as just being a respectful student. In most cases, I should emphasize, because I do understand some educators just suck. Now I had some teachers I wasn't very fond of, but most certainly none that I hated. Do you own colored eyeliner? No. Do you have manners? I honestly think I'm very mannerly. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? We last had to put my dog Teddy down; he had cancer and was literally withering away. I knew in my very core that even if we didn't bring him to the vet to euthanize him, he would've died naturally in a very short period of time; I doubt he would've survived another night. Now I'd like to move on. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination of Vraylar and Lamictal is the reason I'm alive. It keeps my bipolarity and depression under control. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but those are some of my favorite crafts visually. They're very pretty and cute. Can you see the mountains from where you live? Oh hunny, I wish. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? As a kid, yeah. I don't anymore. I'm not really even a fan of April Fool's Day as an adult because of how cruel some jokes assholes play are. Which instrument would you play if you could learn to play one? Maybe violin. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? The left. What are some names you like that start with the first letter of your name? Uhhhh Bianca, Braelynn (look I know it's so stereotypically Southern but it's pretty)... and idk from there, those are the two that come to mind first.

[marshmallowprotection]

I... okay. I can't stop thinking about it. The sadist me and the shy me are in conflict over this fr

So, I dress rather modestly (not that I have much to show in the first place but im happy with that lol), i dont really like wearing v-necks or short shorts, stuff like that. Although i do love ripped jeans/shorts uwu. But all this time in lockdown, being home more, made me realize that, within the comfort of my home (even with a friend over), i rather like looser clothing. In particular, wearing pull-over sweaters without a shirt underneath (with the exception of two, which are too thin). And i even got a new pair of shorts last month which are definitely my favourite (i get a tiny bit nervous tho because if you look close enough you can see some of my scars, but ive gotten pretty careless about all that with friends cos eh theyre old scars), even though they are a little shorter than im used to, like a little bit above mid-thigh when standing. Theyre this really nice shade of grey, with rips in the front and deep pockets which make a nice barrier between my skin and the rips cos i'd feel a little too exposed otherwise lol. They're loose, too, and just... i dunno, i love 'em! Although they tend to ride up quite a bit when i sit down ^^"

As for the sweater, I'm actually wearing my favourite rn; it's also new but not as new as those shorts. Black ripped jeans, black undershirt, blue-to-grey gradiente sweater (which is also v soft on the inside uwu). Except, once online classes are over, or if im not going outside, i take the undershirt off. And this sweater has a wide v-neck and is short; like standing normally it covers everything, but when i raise my arms up to stretch (which i do frequently cos UGH my back), it shows like an inch or two of skin--

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

The shy part of me is like, "u have to wear the undershirt"; "u cant wear shorts that short/that ride up like that"; "dont even wear a choker like u do in 1/4 ur outfits its DANGEORUSSS"

The sadistic part of me, however, is grinning. "Nah u would totally wear it without the tank top"; "wear those shorts, see how he reacts"; "tomato boy saeyoung is ur fuel source cmon just do it"

I honestly have no idea what i would do. Although it would probably at least start with the former. And for the latter, i wouldnt bring any attention to it lol. Id just... wear it. And of course bite my lip, trying fruitlessly to suppress a grin if/when i get some tomato-faced reaction lol

[417]

(Aaaand i probably over-explained that... but my brain sometimes can't tell which details are relevant and which aren't, sorry ^^")

It's clothes. You can wear whatever you want to wear and you don't have to explain your style or why you're doing it to anyone. There are no rules and if someone tells you that you can undress the way you want then you punch them in the face. Okay, maybe not punch, but you get the point. Wear whatever you want. If you wanna be comfy, be comfy.

That's what I tell myself. For the longest time, I was a bigger girl until I got sick, and people never let me think I could wear a crop top. I felt like I'd never look good. Well, I got one, I wore one, and it felt good. WEAR CLOTHES THAT YOU WANT TO WEAR. Ideally, I would have big skirts and sweaters but I'm too poor for my aesthetic, but still. Wear what you love!

The only thing that I can say that would bother or get to Saeyoung is if you wore a sweater and you stretched and he saw your stomach. He would be flustered and hastily look away because he's chugging respect women juice. He just thinks you're adorable. He'd be flustered if you wore a sweater or a chicken suit, don't get me wrong here. That's Saeyoung for you. Loves you no matter your style.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Birthdays....

Ugh.

I suppose you should look at them as “Cool, lived through another year” and not “damn, one year closer to death”.

Some folks do the celebrate a person thing, which is where all those gifts, cards, singing “Happy Birthday”, “special day” coupons, and, of course, parties fit in.

But what do you do when no one is around to even say “Happy Birthday” and a pandemic coupled with a cold, rainy day has cancelled all your ides of doing anything specials? 

I’ve tried doing “birthday things”.

 I baked myself a cake, but it turned out to be the ugliest damn cake I’ve ever made. It’s a heart shaped cake but it cracked in half so that even with frosting it looks like a broken heart. The surface turned out soft enough that when I put the frosting on the crumbs mixed with it. And that frosting? I didn’t have enough confectioners sugar so it doesn’t cover the whole cake.

I wrapped myself a gift, but ran out of paper half way through and it turned out the ribbon I had left was too short to make a bow.

I tied paper birthday decorations around the house, which rather than looking cheerful seem very pitiful.

I even got myself a card, since otherwise I wouldn’t have one, and then thought how pathetic that seems.

I dunno. I’m still gonna try to get Chinese take out from the place in Williamston that’s changed owners since I last tried it. At least that will be sorta “special”, but mostly I look forward to a few days from now when I can go back to literally forgetting how old I am and my loneliness goes back to the usual level. 

Birthdays can be a little like aggravating an old injury. You had just about forgotten about it, then wham, here it goes again....

[visualgirladvance]

a year of becoming less unlike me

this is going to be really informal, i think. it feels less personal if i try to follow any sort of academic convention. i don’t, like, need to use capital letters. it isn’t going to help me talk about, fuckin’, titty skittles any better. okay. yeah. there you go. (update: I ended up using some capital letters. Oops.)

so, like, i started HRT a year ago today. technically i only started blockers today, and estradiol tomorrow, but like, who cares. same fucking difference. it’s a bit more ~symbolic~ if it’s on valentine’s day. ides of february doesn’t mean shit. i’m trying to push today as a birthday alternative- difficult, given various other significant things occuring today, but i’m just that self-centred, i suppose. it doesn’t feel like a huge deal? probably because it’s not, same way a birthday isn’t. at least, most aren’t. i bet eighteen, twenty-one, et cetera feel special because of the legal implications. do people celebrate their twenty-fifth because they can rent a car? probably not, but like hell i’m not going to.

where was i

right

HRT

okay so like i think the first thing that i didn’t expect was how easy it was to take it somewhat consistently? taking pills regularly has always been hard for me but, y’know. titties. they are an excellent motivator. i mean, i’m small as shit, and looking at girls online thrice my size despite being on this shit just as long as i’ve been hurts like hell, but, still, titties. of course, they weren’t the first thing i noticed- that was the soft skin. at least for me, my skin got soft crazy fast, and, like, incredibly so. cis girls were wowed by the softness of my skin. it’s been cold for a while now, so i’m a bit dried out, but once spring comes again i’ll probably be a squishy soft mess. delightful.

another thing that defied expectations was the lack of emotional impact, probably. i don’t feel much different, except in a couple noticeable ways that i’ll probably get to at some point in the next twenty-five minutes before i change classes. people talked about crying all the time, (which i still fail to do except on rare occasions) getting mood swings, (which i suffer from no more than i used to, which is to say, somewhat? i dunno, it’s hard to tell when you yourself are having mood swings.) and feeling joy consistently for the first time in their lives. (haha, nope.) it sucks that i’m missing out on all of that, i guess, but i can’t really feel too bad about it. HRT really doesn’t actually feel like a radical life change once you’re on it? it just feels like the new normal. a better normal, but still, y’know. normal. and my normal ain’t great.

right yeah i said i would get to that stuff huh. even though it’s been, like, thirty-odd seconds since the (likely non-existent) people reading this read that, it’s been like five minutes for me. okay! okay. so, like, here we go.

the first thing was, like, my sexuality? wait wait no i promise this isn’t horny. i don’t mean it like that. that didn’t change at all, actually. i meant it more like, y’know. i used to think i was bi? or, well, i was bi? it’s unclear. Shit, sorry. Decided to type like this now. It’s like that sometimes. Anyways, a few months back, I kind of went through a crisis? At some point, I realized that I really just had not had any interest in boys for a long time. There are a few that I had, like, realized the aesthetic appeal of? But, like, I didn’t want a boyfriend. Girlfriend, non-binary partner? Hell yes. Boyfriend? Fuck off, no, please no, fucking, why,,,,, right. Okay. Eventually, after some turmoil, I settled on just being a lesbian. And I like being a lesbian! I think the term suits me. Now, though… I’m not sure I really ever was bi? Like, I had just… assumed I was, because I had a crush on someone who I thought was a dude (and, to be fair, at the time, so did they) but wasn’t- and now, like… did I ever really have anything to suggest otherwise? It’s not really relevant- I am who I am now, and all, but my dumbass brain can’t stop thinking about the mechanics there. I suppose that’s the same kind of factor that motivates someone to write an illegible mass of text about her medication usage over the past year.

Okay! Okay. the second one. right. this one is kind of hard to talk about because it’s embarrassing? not in, like, a horny way, i swear, but like. okay. the one emotion i find myself able to feel very strongly (that i could not before, not in the same way) is, like…. flusterhood? flusterdom? i’m very easily flustered. that is what i am saying. and not by, like, overtly sexual shit. i’m talking, like, if i think about cuddling with a hypothetical girlfriend for too long, my brain locks up and i find myself unable to speak, it sounds so nice. seriously. it’s the worst. i mean, like, it’s nice to feel that way, but also being able to accidentally lock yourself up when reading a short story about trans catgirls cuddling is really annoying at times. don’t even get me started on when someone is flirting with me. i swear to fuck

right i was supposed to be talking about HRT huh

i mean yeah it could be false causality but like. i think HRT impacts that.

i kind of forgot what i wanted to do with this? i never really had a conclusion in mind. i guess i could have, like, gone over the life changes that’ve occurred since i started? i’m basically all the way out of the closet, i have actually dated someone, i know so many more people than i used to, i finally stopped fucking growing (thank the gods, five foot six inches is way too tall for me) and uh

i dunno. maybe i thought writing this would make me feel nice about how far i’ve come?

it hasn’t, just to clarify. not really. i still feel as though i have so much more to climb, to endure, to grit my teeth and push through. 

okay i really wanted this to be done before i changed classes but like. y’know. here i am in seminar. okay i think i’m really done here but thank you for reading this if you did. it’s really, really not worth reading, like, this is barely worth getting posted on tumblr. seriously. fuckin’, like, why did i even- okay. cool. thank you

[everyman0]

A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall. 

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were. 

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it. 

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him." 

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

>>

[apex-academy]

Chapter 4: Six Chambers, One Loaded (#20)

I give Otoya’s room one last look-through before peering into the hall and slipping out. Doesn’t look like anyone caught me. I didn’t find anything, but that’s okay. It at least makes the abundance of Otoya’s alone time less suspicious. I could stand to check his ID, too, but that might be a little trickier. I can’t expect to pull the same trick again and hope he just happens to leave his ID in there next time.

Speaking of raiding dorms, it might be worth checking Itsurou’s again. I don’t think he’s the young master, but I only barely looked over his notes. Maybe he had something on our possible motivations or resources. He’d be good at this kind of thing, wouldn’t he?

But I should check on Otoya first. And anyone else I run into. Not much point in finding the mastermind if we’re still killing each other in the meantime.

To the stairs. No one’s hanging around here, so I won’t, either. Onto the second floor.

Still shut, at least.

“Everything okay in there?”

No response. Either a bad sign or the best possible sign that Otoya is, in fact, inside. I try the handle, but it won’t turn. So someone’s in there, and they’re not responding. Pretty much Otoya. Or a dead body, but given the context I’ll hope for the best.

I let out a breath and turn towards the hall. Not the most popular place. Of course, the aerobics room might catch fire again, and the number-one fan of the weight room is otherwise occupied. And we’re banned from the art room, too. Guess I’ll try the next floor.

No one in the coffee shop, of course. Sounds like music in the auditorium, though. I head inside.

The lights are down, but eventually I manage to spot Aki in one of the seats. Some cutesy-looking anime is playing on the screen, but it doesn’t look like she’s watching it.

“Aki...?”

She turns her head, but it takes her a minute to actually look at me. 

“Oh... Do you need the room? Sorry.”

“No. Just wanted to check on you.”

“I’d ask if you’re doing okay, but...”

“...”

I look at the screen for a minute. Still don’t recognize the show. Perky soundtrack, whatever it is.

“Is this a show you watch, or did you just throw something on?”

“Um... I used to watch it, at least.”

“I’m not really paying attention to it, though.”

“Didn’t seem like it.”

“Is there something else you’d rather do? I’m not busy if you need another person for anything.”

“Um...”

She stares at the screen for a while, so I follow suit. Wow, there’s a lot of squealing in this anime. I didn’t expect Aki to like cute stuff. Though she did say she used to watch it. I try to imagine a younger Aki in frills and bows, but it’s such a weird image it won’t even solidify in my head.

“There’s not really anything I want to do, no.”

“There usually isn’t.”

“If you want to do something, feel free to drag me along, I guess? I think we’re supposed to do more betting tonight, but I don’t have anything going on until then...”

“Is the betting any fun for you, or did Kanagi drag you into it?”

She shrugs.

I don’t want to push too hard or make her feel bad. I’m not exactly Miss Fun and Games myself, either, but she’s got to give me something. I worry about her. If she keeps spending time alone with the kinds of thoughts she has... 

“...”

I’m no psychiatrist, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do something. It’s important to keep your mind off some things. Especially when everything’s this bleak. This may not be the strongest motive we’ve had, but at this point it’s hard not to feel like a murder won’t happen. We have to focus on other things. Even if they’re stupid.

Like this anime. But I don’t think I could actually focus on it much.

“I know I’ve asked before, but... be honest. What do you do for fun? It doesn’t have to be on a regular basis, since I know school and court keep you busy. Just something you enjoy from time to time. Even if you think it’s stupid. I won’t judge.”

“...”

She tries hard to come up with something. I think. Her expression doesn’t change much.

“Um, I like food sometimes, I guess?”

“That’s not a good answer. Sorry.”

“It’s something! So, like, eating?”

“Yeah...?”

“Um, do you cook or bake, or anything?”

“Not really.”

“Have you tried it?”

“Not really.”

“Would you want to?”

“I dunno... Maybe?”

“Do you cook?”

“...........Not even remotely.”

“But, um...”

“We have a world-class chef here, and I know she’s at least taught one of her siblings how to cook.”

“So we could ask Yuki for lessons if you want? I could afford to learn a few things, so I wouldn’t mind joining in if you’d feel awkward doing it by yourself.”

“...”

“I guess? It could be fun...”

“Yeah? I’ll ask her about it, then. I don’t see why she’d say no.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” I glance at the screen again. Scrolling credits. Fascinating. “Once we’ve got things figured out, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay...”

Why can I not hold a fricking conversation with this girl. Help.

Best to just get going at this point.

“I’ll see you in a bit, then.”

“Um, yeah. See you.”

Off to the races. I don’t know where Yuki hangs out at this hour, but I sure know where I’m starting the hunt.

[BACK] [NEXT]

[transgenderbenders]

Im ftm and wear masculine clothes, and i worry that when i feel dysphoria im feeling it because i look like a boy?? dunno if that makes sense but is this ra,,,racetnal? racienal? rashinal? i can’t spell it,,,you know the word right?

Assuming that the word you meant was rational, then yes! I do know what you meant :) 

Hello anon! Mod Sam Here :)

So, i want to start off with, this is completely and ENTRELY rational AND okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Gender expression and gender identity are very different things, and for some people, they correlate, but for others, they do not !

So ima run down the reasons that you might be feeling this way, and why they are totally okay, and valid.

For me personally, when i started to transition, I felt VERY uncomfortable in ‘women’s’ clothing. It made me wildly anxious even though it eased some dysphoria. This reaction was likely caused by social distress, because i just started transitioning, and everyone still knew me as a man, and well,,, that can be a dangerous situation.

But as years went on, I grew accustomed to it, and it was fine. Then i started hrt and i felt elated at how my body looked... most of the time. What i found to start happneing was I was having dysphoria again, for the first time in a long time...but this time it was about traits i gained from hrt, like my breasts. Looking at them sometimes filled me with euphoic elation, and other times I Just Wanted Them Gone. SO what’s the deal? How can I be a transwoman and still want to look like a guy in some aspects some times?

1. Gender expression is the clothes you wear and this does not correlate to your gender. Gender expression can vary across a spectrum for anyone of any gender. Some women like femme clothing, but you can even find some cis women who prefer men’s clothing, even though they were born raised and identify as a cis woman. 

2. Dysphoria is a very complex emotion. I just reblogged and commented on a post about dysphoria and how even cis people can experience forms of it. This is why having dysphoria is not essential to the Trans Experience{tm}. Dysphoria can be physical, where you personally are distressed by your body, because of how it looks and feels, and how that doesn’t correlate to the image of yourself that exists in your head or that you want to have of yourself in your head.  Then there’s social dysphoria. This one is a little trickier, because the dysphoria comes from /how you’re percieved by others/. This is the type of dysphoria that i experience most frequently. This type of dysphoria can crop up in many ways. It can be “im a guy, and i want to be seen as a girl.” it can be “im a guy but i really hate ‘guy clothes’ for x reason and im more comfortable in other clothes” or it can even be, “i’m a guy, i want to be seen as a guy; and i’m not”. It can even be “I’m feeling more masculine rn, but i look really feminine and that’s distressing. There’s a bunch of ways and reasons that social dysphoria can crop up,, and what you’re dysphoric about doesn’t always relate to what your gender is since expression is performative and social dysphoria is inherently based in the perceptions of others. 

3. Gender identities not on the binary are hard for people to understand sometimes, so this causes many people who might otherwise identify as nonbnary or under the umbrella of nonbinary, to identify as something else, namely something ON the binary. The solution to my mystery dysphoria was, I wasn’t always a girl!! My gender can fluctuate, and some days im more comfortable seeing myself as one gender, not the other, or i want to be androgynous. So publicly, I still present fully as a woman (even though i frequently wear ‘men’s clothing’), and if anyone asks, i’ll id as a transwoman. And now that i understand my gender better, i don’t get dysphoria anymore, because i’m presenting the way i want to, and the image of myslef as a owman is the image the world sees, even though some days my gender isn’t woman, it’s man, or agender, or bi gender, or all gender, etc. Hence the beauty of gender fluidity.  I’m not faking it, I’m just nonbinary!

So, in conclusion, is it rational for you, as a ftm trans person to like ‘women’s’ clothing? Absolutely, for a wide variety of reasons. Myabe a nonbinary label would fit you better, maybe you’re still adjusting to being seen as a man, or maybe your dysphoria is really really complex and is related to more than your body or your gender, but how youre percieved. 

Gender is complex, because its a social construct made to represent vague feelngs of the many about who they are. the gender binary doesn’t exist and is a facet of european colonization as genders outside the binary existed in older cultures for millenia. Native american tribes almost all recognized more than 2 genders, (correct me if i’m wrong) my jewish friend says the torrah recognizes like 5 or 6 genders, indigenous polynesian cultures recognize mre than 2 genders, etc. The only one who can identify what you feel, and what terms fit you best is you. But your gender expression does not have to correlate to your actual gender. 

I hope this helps anon. If not feel free to request a dm session, or to send in more asks. Have a great day, my friend. Be safe, you are loved