#i dunno ive been dreaming of a weird idea

[obnoxiousarcade]

im thinking again

[py6oto]

more hlvrai x yume nikki au stuff!!!

this post is gonna have a lot more text than my usual posts. so sorry if you don't want that.

so people seemed to really like my idea (which is really unexpected !! i didn't expect it to gain any attention at all!!! but its also super awesome and im so glad they do!!) so ive been brainstorming a little bit.

heads up i know yume nikki is a very ambiguous game but im pretty new to it so if i happen to get any established information wrong please let me know !? ty !!

anyways. before we do the effects. please take some sprites.

(body horror ((multiple eyes, messed up limbs, gunshot sounds)) under the cut!!! pls stay safe !!! ) (also a huge lore dump. sorry!)

id think this au takes place in a universe where the resonance cascade was real (aka not a game or simulation) and it'd be like, maybe a few months after it. gordon is traumatized as hell and it haunts his subconscious to the point he feels the need to isolate himself completely. he relives his trauma through eerily consistent dream worlds and then dies on a random tuesday. credits roll. audience cheers. wonderful story.

the vision for the sprites is that tommy functions as a "friendly" npc (like monoko and the other girl i forget the name of please forgive me) and benrey functions as poniko, uboa being "xenrey" or essentially messed up alien benrey (the weird...white...blood....world...room...uboa takes you to when you interact with it is simply replaced by xen. that's it. benreys house is a direct gateway to that time gordon fought god and won and isn't that amazing.)

i might remake the "uboa" sprite in the future because i don't really like it right now. im very new to pixel art and imitating YMNK's style is a little hard.

i like to think this imaginary game would have the teensiest tiny bit of dialogue, only when interacting with benrey. when you interact with his "regular" form, he says "you're not supposed to be here." and repeats it every time you interact, not saying anything else.

i know one of the biggest things that makes yume nikki stand out is its lack of dialogue, but listen, i think it would work well!!! seeing as this is the only time a character actually talks to gordon through understandable dialogue (unless i come up with something else!! haha) i think it would be confusing and throw players off because it breaks the pattern of being either ignored or silently acknowledged. someone talking directly to you after hours of isolation is confusing and unpredictable. which is what benrey is. confusing as hell!

im not sure what function tommy would offer, if any, i kinda want him to maybe give gordon an effect (soda effect could work?)

i dont think he'd bring any jumpscares or intentionally unsettling things to the table. seeing as he was the only one by gordon's side when the rest of the team proved itself to be a threat, i think it's logical he'd remember tommy in a warmer light than the others- which is reflected in how instead of unsettling or ignoring gordom, dream tommy simply smiles and gives him the ability to drink a soda any time. soda effect.

does this soda effect make you see faster like tommy said?

as much as i'd love to, no. probably not. because i have no idea what the hell seeing faster means.

maybe you can get a caffeine overdose. if you spam 1 enough times you will get very fast for as long as the soda effect is on. like the bycicle effect, but better, because you can taste it!

but no, it won't help you see faster. i don't know how to translate that sentence into understandable english.

now, coomer and bubby!!!! i apologize very deeply for i have not made sprites for them yet. i promise i will!!! it's just very late today and if i draw anything else i will actually just pass out.

im not very sure what i want for them yet. i think theyd be similar to tommy, but they'd have different functions. maybe they all give gordon different effects. or maybe they scare him! i dunno, i feel like there'd be a certain level of distrust from gordon to the old guys, like, of course he doesn't hate them but itd be hard to remember them super kindly and harmlessly when one of them ruthlessly tried to murder you with 300 clones of himself and the other tricked you into an ambush that cost you your arm, as much as you love them.

also!!! i completely forgot gordon lost an arm when i made his sprite. oops. it's okay its just a very realistic prosthetic

anyways. this post is getting too long so i think I'll save the boomer talk for when i actually post their sprites. its time for EFFECTS !!

i haven't been able to come up with many words yet. but i have some effects and a slight idea of how gordon would earn them.

concept art is beautiful

from left to right (because my handwriting is absolutely hideous!)

SODA - earned by interacting with TOMMY. wherever tommy is??? i dunno! pressing 1 will make gordon drink the soda and earn a temporary speed boost.

CAR??? - part of me really wants to rename this one but it's so funny to me i want to keep it. it's just a car. he literally just whips out a car and starts driving. what a legend. this effect lets him get across water areas faster (even faster than the soda!)

LONG HAIR - literally just gives him long hair. there is no practical use for this. nothing will happen. it just gives him long hair. isnt he beautiful.

ARM - earned by interacting with a dismembered arm found... somewhere.... probably some dark room. you know that effect where madotsuki literally just becomes a head? yeah. this is that but it's an arm because of course it is. this is an opportunity and i will not give it up. there is no use for this either. it just makes him a slow sad lonely arm.

MINIGUN - found by interacting with a certain object in POTION !! WORLD !! YEAHHH!! DARNOLD REFERENCE !!! pressing 1 will let you shoot the hell out of your enemies and make them pay for their sins

SWEET VOICE - found by interacting with any of the orbs in COLOR WORLD. 1 will allow gordon to song a beautiful, colorful song that will soothe any npcs he might have angered and make them stop trying to murder him.

POWERLEGS - MAYBE given by coomer npc? idk! this is all brainstorming and a work in progress! 1 makes gordon jump real high, allowing him to reach otherwise unaccessible areas

GHOST - ghost. he's a ghost. he's transparent. he flies. 1 makes him do a little ooooo noise and all the npcs run away from him because the place is haunted. ghost.

GLASSES - literally just pick up some glasses from the floor. putting them on will uncover a few hidden details across the map that may be necessary for progress ... like a very small and specific set of stairs

SMALL - makes gordon very small. i thought the original effect was super fun so i just kept it unchanged. small gordon. he can clone himself and make a gordon army. small. im thinking he finds it thru a coomer clone that is abnormally small. he interacts. small effect. small!

SHORT HAIR - literally just short hair. gordon can't seem to pick a haircut!

UMBRELLA - ...umbrella. makes it rain. shelters gordon from the rain at the same time. can be used for the same purpose it has in yume nikki which is putting out fires or stopping pre-existing rain.

there's supposed to be more effects and i still need to plan all the worlds and hidden rooms but ........ maybe when the sun is out and i have slept and i can think better !!! let me know whatever suggestions or ideas you guys have. i love hearing them a lot ^_^ thank you if you read all of this!! i promise hlvrai animations are not over this is just an au that has temporarily taken over its okay my content is not changing to yume nikki hlvrai only

gordon no

2023.07.27

[acaciapines]

i love feeling like im GETTING somewhere on watching and dreaming. theres a character ive been so so so so SO excited to introduce since i came up with the idea and oh my GOD we are so close. we are so close and. just.

its so weird!!! this fun secret surprise character is like...oh, shes going to be so FUN. its going to be so fun!!!

im. going to actually finish watching and dreaming. probably not by the end of the year, but for sure by early january, and then...

dunno. its weird. its going to be really, really weird.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

Thinking about which entities the Apex Legends would serve, or be associated with, in the Magnus Archives universe.

It revolves around a weird little fic in my brain i will probably never write. Technically most of them are a mixture, but I'm in between rounds and I dont have time for a full analysis.

Crypto - The Stranger. Loss of self, of identity, being something other to achieve your goal. To abdicate who you are in pursuit of a goal, smile as you lie to the faces of people who assume you are friends... and plan to fade away once you have what you came for. IS that not the Stranger?

Fuse - The Corruption. If Salvo is to be believed, then things are very apocalyptic wasteland there; imagine the things that he has seen, has done, has experienced. It eats into your soul until abhorrent is merely a practicality... what's an arm between mates, ay?

Bangalore - The End, she seems like the type who wants a definitive start and finish to things. Order over Chaos, at any cost. It might start out as good intentions, but you know how the avatars get twisted. If the world has to end so her squad can make it home together, then so damn be it.

Bloodhound - The Hunt, naturally. Only their unwavering adherence to the code keeps them from falling to the warping feral mindset of the Hunt... for now. For Boon.

Caustic - The Eye, and in the headcanon, an archivist. Because of the way the archivist needs fear to live, to observe things die, to extract every second of fear from the victims so that their every last neuron firing in exquisite agony is transferred to his patron. He watches, for the Eternal watcher. He is not quite human anymore, and it is unsettling for normal people to be close... but he is not the greatest threat out there amongst the fears.

Lifeline - The Stranger. Lifeline woke up to the world she was moving about in, as a living prop for her parents, and severed the ties that held her in place. She shed all the artifice of her former life and took on a role so different that old friends (bar Octane) would likely have trouble understanding. She uses her abilities to help, and to hurt based on her own judgements.

Gibraltar - The Buried. Gibraltar is such a loud, fun guy and yet we know he is utterly buried under the weight of his past. Certainly it is not the metaphorical burial that we would normally expect from this Fear, but it can be almost more effective than dirt. He carries the weight of the earth on his shoulders, and feels a sinking dread in his heart for every grain that slips from his grasp.

Horizon - The Lonely. Trapped in space for decades... away from family, knowing that the person who she trusted most placed her in this situation and now has full access to her son? Of course, there is comfort in the solitude. She feels out of time, out of place, searching for a way to get back and yet torn by the implications of finding a path. Will she burn down the future to see her little boy again? ...of course she will.

Loba - The Web. Loba thrives on collecting information, weaving it together into a complicated tangle of deceptions laid bare, truths hidden, and creates a narrative that she can rign over. The flies who tremble in her webbing mean little to her, only weak beings to be devoured. She can see what is coming, but will she tell the others? Perhaps only Bangalore, so that they may experience the apocalypse as one.

Pathfinder - The Flesh. Pathfinder is obsessed with his origin, with who his 'parents' were, with whom his purpose rests. With being human, like those around him, you could say. He has more sentience than other MRVNs, and wants to experience life as his friends do... does he dream os bones and blood and sinew? Of feeling another's flesh on his own when he gives them a hug? The Flesh would whisper that he could have that... and warp the morality in his code.

Octane - The Vast, endless space to run and be free from mortal tethers. Being the sole focus of the universe, with no one to expect things of you, or question you, or need more, expect MORE. He can be free, without thought or care for anyone else... except maybe Che, and he would let her into his domain, whenever he remembered.

Revenant - The Slaughter. Murder was his thing when he was human, and it never stopped. He feels delight in the conquests, in the bodies he leaves behind. The bloodlust pulses through his circuits; the tears of those he leaves alive sustain him.

Rampart - The Spiral. Rampart is a walking wall of complicated thoughts and contradictory actions, she spirals deep into thought about the most complex machinery... and then tells the friend she's half-listening to a bad joke to make them laugh. Layers upon layers of personality cover her like armour, and everyone has a different idea of who the 'real' Rampart is. They all see a fraction, they follow the path she leaves, and in the middle? Who knows. Not even Rampart. There is a delight in the confusion of others, strange but excellent, and not even deliberately malicious. After all, mates have fun, right?

Wattson - The Eye. This was a child created for Knowing, and she would love the intricacies of chasing down obscure mysteries or finding out how to reroute a potentially world-ending ritual with her scientific mind. She could easily be tempte by the Lonely... but her friends in the legends make certain she is never alone. Wattson can be cruel, but often to be kind... and really, sometimes the Truth Hurts. Does it not?

Wraith - The Buried. What is wraith but a person whose mind and memories are buried away where they cannot be reached? In a sense, she is gone but still breathing. Suffocating under the weight of not knowing who she is, was, should be.

Mirage - The Dark. Fear of being alone, of being forgotten, of being turned away from all you ever knew. The fear of being nothing and no one... is almost as terrifying and all-consuming as the fear of being surrounded by people whose attention is solely on him, watching and waiting for his every word. Baite breaths waiting for him to fall from grace so he can shatter before their cameras, so they can get notoriety. His mind wants, and rejects it. He fears the darkness of being in the shadows of others... and craves it.

Valkyrie - The Vast. She craves the emoty stretch of sky, where the world looks so small and speckled below her. Something she is aware of, but separate from. The tragedy of her father's loss made her seek solitude, and even in the midst of the other heroes, she has a sense of... other, of distance. She is queen of the air, and nothing can burn her wings.

[amazingphilza]

twitchcon :: cc!multiple x reader

fluff , platonic , gender neutral ! some mcyt headcanons if you were to attend twitchcon w them

cc’s included in order: tommyinnit , tubbo , ranboo , wilbur soot , philza , technoblade

cw: kinda lengthy for the minors (i think), not as much for the hags LMAO /hj

tommyinnit

this man is so excited to be at his first twitchcon & being able to hang out with all his best friends makes it a hundred times better

when he isn’t at a panel or doing meet & greets, he’s dragging you everywhere to see the whole convention center (clingyinnit)

he is just so at awe despite this not being his first convention to attend

you’d be surprised he gets tired pretty quickly & stops over to the partner lounge

you both rest for a bit against a wall in a pretty packed hallway despite it being an exclusive area to twitch partners

every time a famous streamer walks by he will yell it out and record it then vlog your reaction, even if they’re surrounded with bodyguards & trying to get to another place quickly

he’d zoom in his camera to their face at a horrible angle and be like

“oh my god it is THE ninja. ninja famous fortnite player, HELLO.”

but he gets completely ignored

then the camera pans out to you, still really zoomed in that the capture is blurry

“ninjainnit?”

“EH?”

tommy is so confused, forgetting the bit ninja did on his twitter where he renamed himself ‘ninjainnit’ for a split second

okay tommy isn’t that athletic but he will chase you and the rest of your group down a hallway if he had to

he’d probably find a toy gun from the artist alley/seller booths and shoot you and wilbur with it

but if tommy stumbles across any of the dream team, it’s about to be minecraft manhunt but irl

and he will def play his stream music while walking or smth when he’s bored (or trying to jump dream & sapnap)

** DO DO DO DO MANHUNT MUSIC **

oh my god,, now thinking about it he’s probably the one to open like random doors of empty rooms and steal stuff while you film him

like he will take a random empty glass, a bunch of pens, a freebie t-shirt, everything he sees he takes with him and you’re just panic

“tommy we’re literally not supposed to be here, and i’m stuck here filming you. it’s surely a felony in action”

“well, it’s their fault for leaving the doors open! plus this is great content. who’s the dirty crime boy now, HM?”

you’d tell wilbur about this and he’d scold tommy and threaten him with the same pen tommy stole

tommy probably would also drag you some weird event happening outside twitchcon along with tubbo and ranboo

“pokimane is giving out free pizza to everyone if we go to this one restaurant down the street!”

“we are literally gonna get bombarded. have you forgot you’re like three of twitch’s top streamers? i’d rather pay for all of our meals than try getting free pizza from pokimane against all her other fans”

“DEAL! let’s go to five guys then!”

you unfortunately end up paying for all 3 of their meals and picking on their food instead of buying your own

even with all of them making way more money than you, they still happen to be cheapskates

OR tommy will end up getting a burrito from a taco truck, immediately making a mess of himself, then proceed to complain how messy the food is to eat despite knowing what he was getting himself into before even ordering

“shit my clothes are all ruined now!”

“well that’s your fault you got a burrito, as if it’s your first time having one”

“i mean the food is good, i’m not complaining about that but i don’t think it’s that good that it’s worth costing my red and white shirt, im just saying”

tubbo

same with tommy, he is so excited

i don’t know why but i imagine him overpacking his suitcase and you making fun of him for it

anyway tubbo has his irl backpack on and streaming EVERYTHING

probably spends a lot of time at a bunch of different booths, checking out all the pointless gadgets he could buy for his stream

you’re the one to stop him from doing so

“TUBBO IT’S LITERALLY OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, STOP. DONT GET IT.”

“WHY NOT?? IT WILL BE COOL FOR MY STREAM AND I WILL USE IT EVERYDAY”

“okay theoretically speaking, how the hell are you going to even bring it home? which—let me remind you—is across the country for you and not to mention the giant ocean separating america and the uk”

“free ship-pang!!!”

“i hate to break it to you tubbo but there is no way you can get free shipping on a FIVE FOOT PC. it’s nearly as tall as you! what are you even gonna do on it, hack the government???”

the arguments are all lighthearted but eventually you give in and let him splurge over a thousand dollars in different devices he claimed he “needed”

i could honestly see him visiting the beaches in san diego and going for a swim or even renting out a boat to use for a bit :D

also he’d bring benson along with him and taking a bunch of scenic photos with it in them

i have a feeling he’s the type to schedule a spontaneous meet & greet because he was bored & gets in trouble for causing a mob in a certain part of the convention

he’s like “oh god, i did not expect this many of the bois to show up AHAHAH oops”

tubbo would def pull a lilypichu and bring his melodica or ukulele and play themes while following random people/cosplayers

at the end of the day, you’d find his bag just stuffed with crap he either got for free or bought in the convention

“how did you get all that stuff? i was with you all day??? and it’s only the first day of the convention, hello?? it looks like you’ve been collecting as if twitchcon has went on for a week already!”

“HA i have my ways, do not underestimate my powers”

lani would probably tag along for the vacation honestly

like whenever someone comes up to her giving her gifts/asking for pics, you and tubbo would tease her about how famous she is

and i dunno but something about tubbo just gives me this amusement park energy and going to legoland and spending the whole day there since it’s near by and because he can

ranboo

he is like a beacon in a sea of people, that’s it .

i honestly just see him causing as much chaos as the other two

ranboo would probably like take someone’s camera whether if they’re streaming or if it’s for the vlog, hold it up high, and point the camera directly above someone’s face

it did not matter how tall you were and if you had platform shoes on, ranboo was a skyscraper next to you

“HAHAH this is how i see you from this height, this is funny”

then he shows you the vid of the recording of him getting like an aerial view of your face

like you see your nose and all your pores and just overall a bad angle to be captured in

“OH GOD RANBOO DELETE THAT, ITS HORRIFIC”

i dunno why but i feel like he’d jump scare every person that was cosplaying as his minecraft character from behind for some reason

“BOO!”

“ranboo i’m not even remotely dressed as your skin—”

“don’t worry i’m practicing it’s fineee”

“you’re like the height of 2 people combined, i think you will be fine as is. you even intimidated the security at the front”

i feel like if he had his own panel he’d like pull up some undertale song in the middle of it and scare all the people in the crowd

“lore but in real life”

probably would get some matching keepsake with you from artist alley/the booths!

i could imagine like a cute keychain or smth :D

i feel like he’s the type to like randomly volunteer as a participant for those mini events in a booth thinking it would be funny but regrets it the moment he’s on stage

after introductions the presenter is like “okay ranboo, you will be given a random meme prompt above your head you won’t be able to see until after and you will have to make a random face to compliment it!”

and you can just tell by his facial expression he’s just thinking

oh god what have i gotten myself into

what is this game? who came up with this idea?

you’d laugh at him the whole time, even after he’s off the stage and finished with that small fiasco

“that was horrible. never again.”

“AHAHAH IT LOOKED SO AWKWARD YOU DID GREAT”

“I CROSSED MY EYES AND PUFFED MY CHEEKS BECAUSE I COULDNT THINK OF ANY OTHER FACIAL EXPRESSION. THE PROMPT ENDING UP BEING ‘WHEN TWITTER CANCELS YOU FOR USING PLASTIC STRAWS.’ AND WHEN I SAW WHAT IT WAS—LITERALLY WHAT KIND OF GAME–”

“I GOT PICTURES AND EVERYTHING ITS PERFECT AHAHAHAH”

wilbur soot

honestly with wilbur it’s slightly more chill

he already experienced twitchcon before so he’s just glad to see his friends again after so long

insists that you explore the convention yourself rather than sticking with him the whole time but you do anyway!

wilbur would probably have like a mini concert and gets you front row seats with the rest of the group

but that doesn’t mean before it that you’re not helping him set up

“y/n please– my amp is so heavy, i can carry it”

“don’t worry! i’m strong” :D

and musically talented or not, he will probably bring you and the rest of his friends up to stage to just vibe and sing a bunch of random acoustic songs

it’s not like some big concert hall stage,, i imagine more like a casual thing w a slightly higher platform from the ground yk?

after spending a long day at the convention he’d also bring everyone across the city to la jolla or smth !

you’d all probably have dinner there and chill, watching the pretty sunset

“this place is really pretty but oh my god im gonna lose my breath hiking up this stupid hill, please slow down”

and wilbur is like ??? because he’s completely fine with his long legs and everything

“just walk faster”

“no, you walk slower”

AHAHAH and for context traversing through la jolla by walking around the town is a bit hard since it’s basically on a bunch of hills (walking up from the beach to a restaurant actually is actually sm work, trust me ive been there)

wilbur honestly doesn’t spend that much time in the actual convention center, he’s probably sightseeing a bit of san diego with you instead

but i could imagine him staying at the tabletop games area playing dnd or smth

“c’mon y/n, come join!”

“uhh i’m not sure, i’m not the best at roleplay and...”

“it’s fine don’t worry!”

he’d pull you in with him and end up enjoying yourself even if it was your first time

and if you’re of age, you’d be wilbur’s +1 at the twitch partner party and make sure mans doesn’t too drunk

if it’s not too late in the night, you two would chill at the beach after the party

it’s just a nice, calming moment after all the loud music mixed with hundreds of conversations at the party

also something about like taking polaroids pictures with wilbur just seems to go hand in hand for me

i’m not sure why but you will be taking lots of pics with wilbur for sure (not necessarily you both in the photo, but of sceneries as well while you’re together!)

philza

literally a dad on vacation with his children, it doesn’t matter how old you are

need sunscreen? surprisingly has it

want a snack? probably has a small granola bar somewhere in his bag

but same with wilbur, he’s more chill like this isn’t his first time at twitchcon

omg he’d def bring you to the artist alley and just buy a bunch of fanart and stuff tho

“oh wow look phil, someone made a giant poster of the dream smp and shit!”

“holy shit that’s so good what the fuck!”

and he’s like rushing to that artist’s stall to buy a poster or print

idk why but phil seems like the person to know where he’s going all over the convention center

he probably had a copy of the directory map but yk

you just have trouble reading it bc all the signs seem to be misleading to you

nothing really crazy screams out to me of what phil would do at twitchcon besides like go to a few events, spend a bunch of time w his friends, etc

HOWEVER i could see him wasting a lot of his time at the gaming area and testing new games that are currently on the works of being developed

like “woah y/n, this vr game is sick, you should try it out!”

ngl i feel like phil would plan a visit to disneyland for everyone, like he gets the tickets and everything but once you’re at the park it’s free reign, y’all go everywhere with not much of a plan

the minors would try to cheap out phil and pay less than the others even though everyone else fully paid phil back and everything LMAO

ok but if he’s feeling nice, phil will buy everyone cotton candy/pretzels :D

and if you’re not hungry, he’d at least get you a mickey balloon

HE WILL HAVE MATCHING MICKEY EARS WITH MUMZA YES .

ALSO STAYING FOR THE FIREWORKS THOUGH OMG

just in general, best idea phil had for taking everyone to disneyland :D

technoblade

surprisingly techno is really calm despite this being like one of his first conventions

but when he finally settles in and gets comfortable, he’s showing the same energy

if you’re playfully yelling, he will yell back

however there’s still those awkward moments that are unavoidable

idk why but something about him makes me think that if you feel tired and want to go back to your hotel room, he’d go with you just to make sure you get there safe

he probably also needs a break from being around everyone else for a moment too LMAO

i could also see him searching far and wide in the artist alley for fanart of himself AHAHAH

walking around with him in the convention consists of someone yelling “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” every 5 minutes but you don’t really mind

something about him makes me think he’ll be forced into playing minecraft twitch rivals along with the rest of sbi or smth

and he’s like “oh god, i’m going to be on stage? and people will see my face while i play minecraft?”

“i’m sure it will be fun!”

“i mean i like being competitive and feeding my ego, but i’m not that desperate.. well”

do i imagine techno getting easily tired of being surrounded by a bunch of people and just going back to his hotel room with phil and watching some anime with him? yes

and will you watch even if you have no idea what’s going on? also yes

i feel like after a while of you guys hanging out in techno’s room, the rest of the gang will just slowly join you guys

like eventually everyone is there; you, techno, phil, wilbur, niki, tommy, tubbo, ranboo, etc

and techno is like “wha– where did you guys come from?” because his room is basically packed

and niki could be like “oh we can go if you want!”

then techno just insists that she’s fine “but who let the child get in?” clearly implying tommy’s presence

“OI!!”

eventually techno gives in with the company and someone gets a bunch of board games to play from the front desk

lots of yelling and laughing for sure

when it becomes late at night, techno is like half conscious, you’re on your phone, wilbur is staring out the window & enjoying the night view, tommy is passed out on the couch from tiredness, tubbo & ranboo is still wide awake quietly talking, and phil & niki are helping clean up the giant mess

eventually everyone brings themselves to go back to their own room except tommy who won’t budge

you give techno a look and he immediately understands what you were thinking

he rushes to the bathroom to fill up two cups with ice cold water and handed one to you

“on three?”

“okay.. one”

“two”

“three!”

then both of you pour the water on the poor child’s face

he jolts awake and saying a string of curses

“what the fuck techno? y/n too?”

“get out” is the only think techno says that before tommy rushes out with his stuff and you leave right after

a/n: i honestly can’t wait until conventions open up again though,, phil and ranboo were talking about vidcon earlier and omg.

also i kinda want to take in tommy requests but i’m not sure??? it would be both cc! and c! x gn!reader for sure tho. i love writing him to bits but who knows, maybe i’ll only stick to my ideas,, or not. send in a tommy x reader request, might do it, might not, but he’s my fav cc if you can’t tell so! :D (i dunno if i will keep it strictly platonic, but unrequited crushes and stuff are fun to write hehe,,)

edit: let’s hope i fixed all the grammar mistakes LMAO we love writing late at night :) /s /hj

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

DSMP Anniversary Recap: L’MANBERG

After their drug business idea resulted in disaster last time, Wilbur comes back to the server with a second plan: to turn their humble Camarvan into a new, independent server where no Americans are whitelisted.

The first order of business? Build a wall.

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VOD LINKS:

Tubbo [unavailable]

Ponk [unavailable]

TommyInnit

Wilbur Soot

Eret [unavailable]

Punz [unavailable]

---

---

The previous day, Wilbur and Tommy discussed their plans for building an empire as Tommy constructed an underground sewer system, a nation where selling drugs is allowed.

“How do you know Sapnap’s not gonna like, I dunno, you know what they’re like, man, how do we know they’re not gonna…make it a war?” 

“How I see it is they can declare war, they can do whatever they want, but if we just ignore them and don’t acknowledge it, we win. We can’t lose...”

---

- Tommy’s noticed that the server is full of fighting, and he wants money. How does one monetize fighting? A fight club! He can make a fight club in his basement

- Alyssa comes over and hands him a poppy with Ponk. Ponk explains that Alyssa is his lawyer

- Wilbur tells Tommy off for being rude to them

- Later, Sapnap comes over to his basement. Tommy touches the “Do Not Touch” chest and falls to his death

- Sapnap likes Tommy’s fight club idea and helps him dig out the room

- Wilbur joins Tommy’s VC as Tommy is speaking with Sapnap and scolds him for talking with an American, pulling him into a different VC.

Last time, they tried to sell drugs out of their hotdog van and some people didn’t approve of that. This time? Wilbur wants a revolution.

Wilbur: “Starting a movement is easy. You know, Tommy? Anyone can start a movement. Movements are cool. If you start a movement towards a common good, you’re cool! You know? Nothing ever goes wrong! Revolutions are hard, Tommy. Lots of people are gonna oppose us, Tommy.”

- The first thing they need to do…is build a wall

- Wilbur logs on in the Camarvan and sees Tubbo’s package of blaze rods. Tommy asks how much armor he should be wearing, Wilbur says none

Wilbur: “We don’t win wars with battles and with armor. We win wars with our words, Tommy. We’re starting a revolution, not a war.”

- He opens the package of blaze rods from Tubbo and talks about how his wildest dream is a nation where they can sell drugs with no one to stop them

Wilbur: “Why are you being all quiet and slow to talk to me?”

Tommy: “No no no, I’m just trying to decipher who’s on the right side of history right now.”

- Wilbur shows Tommy all the blaze rods. They’re on the right side of history. Tommy shows Wilbur the flaming hotdog on top of the van. He likes it

- The first law of their new place is that no UHC block placement is allowed (he demonstrates by parkouring across the water). That’s banned

- Sapnap comes over and gives Wilbur some blaze rods

Wilbur: “Oh yeah, you can’t buy our peace from your tyranny.”

Sapnap: (whispering to Wilbur) I’ve changed Sapnap: just Sapnap: look Sapnap: Ive tried brewing

Wilbur: once an American always an American

- Tommy punches him away and Sapnap goes away. They call him. Sapnap says, though he can’t join their posse, once their empire grows he wants to buy their potions. He’s possibly addicted to their supply. They have their first export

- Wilbur needs sand, gravel and dandelions for the wall. He sends Tommy on his way. Tommy asks the new empire’s policy on women. Wilbur says they’re allowed as long as they’re European

- Wilbur starts drawing out the border and asks him what their new nation should be called

- Dream logs on. Tommy asks Wilbur how he and Dream have been since they flirted. Wilbur says he just wants to rob George of his loves. Wilbur asks Dream if he wants to kiss

Wilbur: “He’s not responding. Is he gonna ban me for xenophobia?”

Dream: (in chat) who

Wilbur: (in chat) you

Tommy: “What’s…what’s ‘xeno…?’”

Wilbur: “A distaste towards other countries.”

Tommy: “Oh look, here’s Tubbo. He’s on his own adventure.”

Dream: social distancing

Wilbur: SMART

Tubbo fell from a high place.

- Wilbur screams after getting startled by Tommy coming into the van. Tommy throws him a carrot (“Have a carrot, please, calm yourself”) and gives Wilbur the supplies for the concrete

- Tommy goes to speak with “Small T” (Tubbo) and they get him in VC. Tommy tells him “viva la revolution!” and asks for some sand. They also need black dye

Wilbur: “Tubbo, what’s your stance on the States?”

Tubbo: “Those United States? I mean, I’ve heard stuff’s pretty nuts over there so I guess it’s not going great for them.”

Wilbur: “Yeah, we’re pulling a reverse independence.”

Tommy: “Yeah, we’re taking away their independence!”

Wilbur: “No no no no no, we’re not – no no, they’re staying independent. We’re claiming independence from the server.”

Tubbo: “I thought everyone was already independent? Everyone can already do what they want.”

Wilbur: “No, see, when you’re on this server, you’re on the Dream SMP, right? Yeah, we’re making our own land so that when you are in our borders you are no longer on the Dream SMP.”

Tubbo: “Oh…okay…”

- From the drug war a few days ago, Wilbur’s decided that the Americans can’t be trusted to run their own nation

Wilbur: “So what we’re doing is we’re – we’re taking control. We’re making our own nation.”

Tubbo: “Nice!”

Wilbur: “Our own server. And we’re gonna make the Americans pay for it!”

Tubbo: “Wai– uhhhh…”

Wilbur: “See the thing is, Tubbo, server upkeep costs money. A pittance to Dream, may I add, the billionaire thing he is, but like, we still – we’re gonna be still not paying a single penny for the upkeep of the server. But we will have our own independent emancipated land that will not be part of the server.”

- Tubbo is onboard. They ask Tubbo for name suggestions. Tubbo suggests “Not Dream SMP.” Wilbur wants something more original

- Tommy comes back with an idea. There’s only one woman on the server, and they won’t be letting her into the state since she’s American, so what he’s thinking is:

Tommy: “Why don’t we call it…Manberg? Or alternatively, Mantopia?”

Wilbur: “I like Mantopia. But how do we make it European? United Manberg.”

Tommy: “United Mantopia. UNM – wait, lemme Google if it means anything offensive—"

- Since it only stands for the University of New Mexico, Tommy decides it’s good. But Wilbur realizes it sounds too much like the United States

Wilbur: “What about ‘Le?’ Le-Man-berg.”

Tommy: (in chat) le man burg

- Wilbur declares it “L’manberg,” as that’s how the French do it – and the French are quite big on their revolutions. “Lemonburg” is declared a slur in their nation. They will cancel anyone who calls it that

- Tubbo takes off his armor and they discuss “war-winning words.” Wilbur quotes Hamilton and Tommy suspects him of lyric pranking

- Wilbur is the general of L’manberg and Tommy is his right-hand man. Tommy suggests they make the Camarvan an embassy but Wilbur declares it the capital, the state building instead

- Tommy gives Wilbur a stone hoe and Wilbur hoes a single piece of land outside the van before getting an idea. He hoes another piece of land and declares it the “unsullied ground.” Tommy starts singing Hallelujah to it

- Wilbur wants revolutionary skins. He wants a redcoat skin. Their slogan? “L’manberg: We are alarming.”

- There is a hidden clause in Tubbo and Tommy joining L’manberg, and that is that they will have to have houses there. They are citizens

- Tubbo spends a minute spinning around trying to find Wilbur

- They spot Dream nearby and go to speak to him. He says he’s just chilling. Wilbur tells Tommy to shout war words at him

- Dream joins the call and they tell him that “L’manberg” is seceding from Dream SMP. This is their own server now. Dream notes that it seems pretty small, but Wilbur tells him it’s what they do with it that counts

- Dream asks what happens if the rest of the server decides to take over the land. Wilbur says that’s not how servers work. The laws – or “gamerules,” rather, of their server is that PvP is turned off. Wilbur tells him that he’s not whitelisted in their server and has to stay out. All they want is Dream’s acknowledgement – and he’s paying for it

- Wilbur tells him he can set up his own visa and whitelist for Dream SMP and that they don’t need anything outside of these walls. All Tommy and Tubbo need is to move all their items there. Dream is skeptical and asks Tubbo if he’s really doing that

Tubbo: “…HEYYY, so I was born in the Dream SMP, and um…”

Tommy: “Yeah yeah, as was I! I was also born over there so really, we have duo citizenship—”

Wilbur: “—There’s no dual citizenship in our nation. Our nation has zero dual citizenship.”

Tubbo: (crosstalk) “Wait, why are you making it difficult for us?”

Wilbur: “Look at me. Do you boys care about the revolution?”

Tommy: “…Yes.”

Wilbur: “Look, Dream isn’t our enemy. He’s our neighbor. But, we are seceding from his tyrannical rule.”

Tubbo: “What’s ‘tyrannical’ mean?”

Wilbur: (laughs) “Big words. That’s what we use in war. Say it, Tubbo.”

Tubbo: “Tyran-zanical.”

- They argue back and forth about infinite women

- Tommy suggests that they call his land, which is in Dream SMP, an embassy instead. In return, Dream can set up an embassy in L’manberg

- Eret logs on and Dream walks away

- It’s time to make Invisibility potions. Eret joins the call and they fill him in

- Wilbur locks Tommy and Tubbo in the van until they make Invisibility potions and leaves. Neither of them want to play with “the weird neighbor’s child”

- Wilbur explains to Eret that the issue last time was not the drugs, but that the Americans got involved and now they’re making their own server where Americans aren’t whitelisted. Eret already has visa by being a European. 

They’re calling it “Drexit”

- Tommy goes to his base to establish the embassy. Wilbur makes a “scum window” in the wall

- Tommy sees Dream at the embassy, telling him he has to follow the L’manburg rules on the land

- Tommy is allowed to start a “fight club” not just in his embassy, but even in L’manburg itself 

- Wilbur is horrified when he notices that the holy soil has become untilled. He calls Eret over and they re-till it 

- Wilbur declares the four of them the founding fathers. Tommy asks if he is Hamilton 

Tubbo: “Was Abraham Lincoln a founding father?”

Wilbur: “No, he was several hundred years after.”

Tubbo: “Oh.”

Eret: “Just a few hundred years off, you know? Easy mistake to make.”

Tubbo: “Better late than never.”

- Tommy yells at Tubbo for going through his chests and threatens to kill him. Eret and Wilbur start whispering to each other and Tommy and Tubbo become self-aware 

- Tommy notices Alyssa and Dream approaching the embassy

Tommy: “Good news and bad news. I’ve got you a woman. Bad news? She’s American.”

- Wilbur starts laughing so hard he has to stand up and walk away while Tommy and Dream bicker

- Tommy calls Niki on the phone, telling her they need women who aren’t American, but Niki isn’t whitelisted yet. Tommy asks Dream to add her and he declines. Wilbur tells Dream not to add her as it would delegitimize the manhood of L’manburg

Tommy: Too shay

Dream: too shay

- Wilbur, hungry, goes “manfishing,” whispering “salmon” repeatedly as he kills them

- Both Tubbo and Eret have done well. Wilbur tells Tommy he really is the “Hamilton” of their nation and hasn’t done much for them

- The signature meal of L’manburg is salmon

- Tommy and Wilbur start rapping “Non-Stop” from Hamilton the musical

- Wilbur and Tommy walk and talk

Wilbur: “Look around.”

Tommy: “At how happy we are to be alive right now.”

- Wilbur reminds Tommy of how far they’ve come, but Tommy has done very little in terms of setting up. Tommy takes Wilbur to the embassy

- Wilbur changes the sign on Tommy’s house to read “L’Manburg Embassy” and says he feels that Tommy isn’t fully devoted to the cause. Tommy doesn’t want to give up his home and tries suggesting the Power Tower instead

- Wilbur leaves Tommy and returns to L’manburg

Wilbur: “Chat…I think we’ve lost him. I think we’ve lost TommyInnit.”

- Wilbur doesn’t approve of Tommy living with the enemy. Tommy finally agrees to give up his home to be the embassy

- Wilbur tells them it’s time to don the skins

- Tommy notices that the forest outside L’manburg’s borders is on fire. In the distance he spots Alyssa and angrily runs after her

Tommy: “Wilbur! Wilbur! Do I kill the woman?”

Tubbo: “Yes!”

Wilbur: “Yes! Yes, Tommy! You kill the woman!”

- Wilbur and Tubbo start running after as well

Eret: “I thought we use our words! I thought we used our words!”

Tommy: “No.”

Wilbur: “Not in this case. Anyone -- they’ve tried to burn down our forest.”

Tubbo: “We care most about the forest.”

- They are like the Lorax. Alyssa combat logs. When she logs back in, Tommy kills her. Punz immediately shoots Tommy down, outraged that he would kill a woman

- Alyssa calls them and asks for her stuff back, saying she didn’t start the forest fire. Sapnap logs on and arrives with Punz. They start walking back

- The fire is still spreading and Tommy thinks it might be a political attack. Wilbur turns around and tells Tommy to go home. This isn’t a political attack and Tommy is too dangerous, running his mouth and talking too much

Tommy: “Tell me the thing he says in the second song of the musical Hamilton.”

Wilbur: “I think about death so much it feels more like a memory.”

- Wilbur dismisses Tommy, growing more and more annoyed as Tommy keeps on reciting various song lyrics to him

- Sapnap and Dream arrive as Wilbur goes off to get materials. Punz puts out the forest fire and Fundy has just logged on, confused

- Sapnap and Dream take Tubbo hostage in a hole in the ground. Tubbo drops Tommy an Invisibility potion

- Sapnap and Dream kill them as Wilbur arrives, losing them the Invisibility potions

- Wilbur gathers everyone in the Camarvan, a book and quill in hand. It’s time to draft the Declaration:

---

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDANCE

Signed: Wilbur Soot Tubbo_ TommyInnit ERET

Forever the nation of the DreamSMP have cast great sins upon our great land of the hto dog van.

They have robbed us. Imprisoned us. Threatened us. Killed many of our men.

This time of tyranny ends with us

This book declares that the nation which shall be henceforth known as L’Manberg is seperate, emancipated and independant from the nation of DreamSMP.

The union of the masters of men. Together we are one. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one to dissolve the bonds which bind us. Disregarding of this truth is nothing short of tyranny.

WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF EVIDENT. THAT ALL _MEN_ ARE CREATED EQUAL

The right of the people exists above the right of the king. The right of the government and the right of the economy.

From the hto dog van we shall prevail.

Life. Liberty. And the pursuit of victory.

---

- The four sign the Declaration on the roof of the Camarvan, witnessed by Dream, Sapnap, Punz and Fundy watching from afar. Wilbur frames it in the van

- An invisible person arrives in the van to deliver a second book:

---

Declaration Of War

Sometimes you just gotta kill some people sometimes yaknow - Sun Tzu

Dream SMP declares war on la’manburg

JOINT RESOLUTION --PUNZ --SAPNAP --DREAM

---

- Wilbur and Dream exchange books

- Wilbur gives some motivational words to the L’manburgians. This is how they consolidate can power. This is an opportunity

Wilbur: “We do not fight a war of – of the war of greater sticks. We’re not looking for technological advancement, right. The war we’re fighting is gonna be done through guerilla tactics. It’s gonna be done through attrition…”

“And I want you guys on my side.”

---

UPCOMING ANNIVERSARY DATES:

July 31: Fundy becomes Wilbur’s son

August 2: Doomsday

August 3: Jack Manifold joins the server

August 6: Niki joins the server

August 9: Wilbur, Tommy and Tubbo create a drug park

[hangovercurse]

The Things We Can’t Tell Pete About

Pete invites you to meet his friends from The Dirt and makes you promise not to flirt with any of them, which is a lot easier said than done, especially when Colson Baker acts like that.

Request: “Hey so I love all your writing and I just thought you should know that! But also I’d your requests are on still would you mind writing a youre Pete’s little sister but kells got a crush xx”

Colson x reader

Warnings: Drug use, Cursing

A/N: I know, Dom (Yungblud) wrote the song, but also I am the writer and I say that Y/N wrote it :) Anyways, enjoy. This is only part 1 of what is probably going to be a fun, cute lil series. Also thank you to the anon who sent this! You made my day(s)

Word Count: 2411

| ii | iii | iv | v |

masterlist

New York was lonely without your brother. He had been filming in New Orleans for the past three months, leaving you alone. You had some friends, but Pete was your best friend. You were only eight months younger than him and practically attached at the hip. You supposed going through trauma together would do that to people.

He facetimed you all the time from set, updating you on things in his life, showing you cool stuff from the set, and introducing you to his castmates. You had kept him updated on your music, playing him demos of songs you were writing and getting his opinion on them.

Him being away wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but it definitely sucked for you. So, when Pete texted you that he was having a few friends from the movie over the night he got back, you were ecstatic.

Before you left your apartment to walk to his, he texted you.

You’re not allowed to flirt with any of my friends

You rolled your eyes as you locked your door, preparing a response.

I’ll try my best

Your phone buzzed seconds later.

I’m serious. I don’t trust any of them with you.

And I don’t need that kind of awkwardness in my life

Like if you date one of my friends and it goes badly

I don’t wanna deal with that shit

You chuckled at his chain of texts.

Don’t flirt with your friends because they’re dicks, got it

Don’t worry bro, I know the sibling code

 You came to find out that that was a lot easier said than done. When you walked into his place, everyone in the room turned to look at you. You recognized most of them from your facetimes with Pete, but you doubted they remembered who you were. One who did remember you was Colson, Pete’s new best friend. He made eye contact with you from across the room, a sly grin on his lips. You sent him a small smile, Pete’s text running through your head briefly.

You found your brother lounging on the couch, a huge grin on his face. He was definitely tripping on mushrooms. “Y/N!” He yelled. “This is my baby sister, everyone.”

You rolled your eyes, walking further into the room, grabbing a drink from the cooler, and taking an empty seat on the opposite couch. “I’m less than a year younger than you, Pete.”

You heard a snicker from the one of the guys, looking over to see Colson covering up the smile on his face. “But you’re still younger than me so it counts.”

Everyone went back to their own conversations, which you were thankful for. “Y/N, you remember Colson, right?” Pete motioned to the blond guy.

“Yeah.” You nodded, looking him up and down. His muscle tank exposed the sleeves of tattoos, which seemed to cover every inch of his skin. “Your hair was different, but yeah I remember you.” You opened the beer on the coffee table, taking a swig.

“You’re the musician, right?” He asked you, leaning back onto the couch.

You nodded, “Aspiring musician but, yeah.”

“Oh, she’s great. You should hear her sometime.” Pete butted in, grinning like an idiot at you.

You rolled your eyes but had a smile on your face. “I work primarily as a songwriter and editor right now, but I’m trying to work on putting out some of my own stuff.”

You felt a little intimidated talking to Machine Gun Kelly about music, seeing as he was one of the best in the industry, but he seemed to be genuinely interested in your work. “Well, if you ever want some help or someone to listen to it, I’d be willing.” He flashed a smile, his bright blue eyes sparkling.

“Thanks, that’s really cool of you.” You bit your lip slightly, trying to hide the fact that you were totally breaking Pete’s rule.

Pete sent a glare your way to which you raised your eyebrow. You weren’t really flirting; you were just… making connections. “Anyways,” he cleared his throat, “I’ve been working on this sketch idea, Y/N, and I need your opinion.”

You nodded, letting him talk. “So, I was thinking like, there’s this guy with posters all over his wall. Like life size posters of a bunch of different people. And he falls asleep while doing homework and he dreams about them coming to life. And it plays out like one of those really bad commercials that encourage kids to stay in school and shit. Like the posters are telling him to study for his test, but then there’s this one poster that’s like, very sexy. And she’s just like, talking about hot dogs and everyone else gets really sick of it and one of the other posters tries to like, tear down her poster or something.”

Throughout his description, you got more and more confused. “Pete, that’s not funny that’s just fuckin weird.” His mouth hung open in shock. “Dude, seriously? The big punchline is the playboy poster girl talking about hot dogs until the other poster people get tired of it?”

“Yes.” Pete said, as if it were obvious. “That’s hilarious.” You glanced at Colson with a questioning look on your face. He seemed as unsure of the joke as you were.

“Pete, man, that’s not your best work.” Colson clapped him on the shoulder and you giggled at Pete’s disappointed expression.

“You guys are mean.” He pouted and you two laughed. “Ok, well, how would you make it funny?”

“I don’t know if you can, bro.” Colson’s laugh was contagious. When he laughed his whole body shook, his feet stomping and everything.

“What are the other posters?” You asked, trying to be supportive but knowing this wouldn’t turn out very good.

“Well, I was thinking maybe one is like a video game character. Like that lady from Wreck-It-Ralph. The mean one. And then like a snowboarder who is definitely high, and someone else, I dunno.” He shrugged, taking a hit from the joint in his hand and passing it to you.

“Okay…” You trailed off, looking at Colson for support. You brought the blunt to your lips, inhaling the smoke and bringing it down, letting the smoke leave your mouth slowly. You passed the joint to Colson, who gladly took it, a smirk on his face.

Pete looked between you two at the small interaction, a frown. “So, the posters,” he brought your attention away from the man again, “they’re all really serious about teaching this dude math. But the hotdog girl just keeps talking about hot dogs in like this really high-pitched voice.”

You watched the smoke fall from Colson’s lips, not fully paying attention to your brother.

“Yeah man, I think that sounds funny.” Colson told Pete, his eyes lingering on you for a little longer than they should have. “It could use some work but if anyone can make it funny, it’s you.” Colson punched your brother on the shoulder, but the look he sent you said the exact opposite.

You held in your giggle, taking another sip of your beer.

The rest of the night followed a similar pattern, you and Colson flirting and Pete trying to get in between you two. At one point, after a few more hits of weed and a couple more drinks, Colson brought out a guitar, insisting you play something for him. Where he got the guitar from, you had no idea, but you didn’t ask questions. Instead, you rolled your eyes, insisting that “if I have to play something, so do you.”

Everyone was too caught up in their own conversations to care about the noise, or too drunk. You started strumming, trying to remember the chords to a song you had started writing a few days ago. “There’s no lyrics yet, just a melody I came up with.” You blushed, feeling very self-conscious suddenly.

“Guess I’ll just free style to it then.” He chuckled as you started to strum, your fingers working the strings like they had your whole life.

The blond man closed his eyes, head nodding as you played and thinking of what to rap.

“Watch me, take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night. Catch me, I’m the one on the run away from the headlights.

No sleep, up all week wastin time with people I don’t like. I think, somethin’s fuckin wrong with me.

You smiled as he sang, watching his expressions change as he tried to think up the next line.

Drown myself in alcohol, that shit never helps at all

I might say some stupid things tonight when you pick up this call

I be hearin silence on the other side for way to long, I can taste it on my tongue, I can tell that somethin’s wrong.”

He opened his eyes, looking rather proud of himself. “I had some of those lyrics already, but I just changed ‘em a little. I really liked that.”

You nodded, “That was impressive.” You smiled, looking back down to the guitar when something hit you.

You began to play the same melody but pitched higher to fit your voice.

“Roll me up, and smoke me love

And we could fly into the night

You take drugs, to let go, and figure it all out on your own

Take drugs, on gravestones, to figure it all out on your own.”

You looked up to Colson, watching his expression change, his eyes wide. Pete had a proud look on his face.

“Pete, you are a sucky hype man. You did her no justice.” Colson hit Pete on the arm.

“Whaddya mean, I told you she was great.”

Colson looked over to you, a stupid smile on his face. “Seriously, that was fucking amazing. Like, we gotta write that shit out some day.”

You bit your lip, trying to stop the blush from reaching your cheeks. “Yeah, that’d be cool.” You were trying your best to keep your cool as Colson kept his gaze on you, but you were completely freaking out on the inside.

A little while later, almost everyone was gone except you, Pete, Colson, and Douglas Booth, who joined your conversation not long after your jam session. Pete let out a yawn, directing your attention to the time.

“Jesus, it’s already 4am?” You asked, a frown on your face.

“Why, you got somewhere to be, darling?” Douglas asked you, your face scrunching up from the nickname.

“I have a writing session at 11 am tomorrow. Or, today, I guess.”

Pete reached out to hit you in the head, playfully, which you dodged. “Go to bed, dummy.”

You shrugged, “I’m gonna be dead at it anyways, might as well keep the party going a little longer.”

Douglas rolled his eyes, patting your shoulder. “Be that as it may, I am ending this party and going home. Goodnight, guys. It was nice meeting you again, Y/N. Good to see you guys.” Douglas and the guys did that little hand slap and hug thing before he left.

“I love you both, but I will also be going to sleep. And you should too.” Pete stood up, stretching his arms out before giving Colson a fist bump and leaving to his bedroom.

Once your older brother left, Colson moved to the couch you were on, his arm falling over your shoulders. You looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. “And how can I help you Mr. Kelly?”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m assuming Pete gave us both very similar talking to’s, given the glares you’ve been receiving all night.”

“You mean the “don’t flirt with my friends” talking to or the other one?” You tilted your head, a sly look on your face.

“That’s the one.” Colson laughed through his nose, an adorable smile on his face. You were both considerably high, but you still knew exactly what you were doing.

You moved closer to Colson’s body, “Well then I guess we’d better not do this.” You said quietly, leaning into him. “Or this,” You grabbed his jaw, inches from his face.

“Or this?” He whispered, connecting your lips. You smiled into the kiss, tasting the weed on his tongue. You adjusted your body so you were facing him, his arm that was once around your shoulder now wrapped around your waist.

His other hand grabbed your leg, pulling you up so you were straddling his lap, and your arms wrapped around his neck. His lips seemed to fit perfectly around yours, and you did all you could to keep yourself from moaning into the kiss as his hand began to travel up your leg.

Realization hit you like a brick wall, and you pulled away, your breathing heavy. “Sorry,” you muttered after a few seconds. You climbed off his lap, smoothing out your shirt. “We shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t have done that.” You smiled awkwardly down at him.

He nodded, the same realization hitting him. “Yeah, that’s not the best idea. Sorry I wasn’t really thinking.”

You shook your head, cheeks still very red. “No, no, no don’t apologize. It was fine, it’s all fine.”

He nodded, looking down awkwardly. “I should get going.” He stood up, landing a little too close to you.

“Why don’t you just sleep here? Pete won’t mind and it’s a lot easier than going home.” You bit your lip awkwardly, taking a few steps back.

Colson scratched the back of his neck. This was a very different demeanor than he had before, and you found it very cute. “Are you sure?”

You nod. “I’ll get you some blankets and pillows.” You moved towards the guest bedroom, a guilty smile on your face. You moved your hand to your lips, feeling where Colson’s lips had graced you minutes before.

You came back to find Colson laying on the couch, one hand behind his head. “We don’t have to tell Pete about that, right?”

You shook your head, a small smile still playing on your lips. You put the pillow behind his head, watching his eyes as he watched your lips. “Stop looking at me like that or I’ll do something else we can’t tell Pete about.” You said quietly, watching him grin. You pulled the blanket over him, leaning down to be level with his face.

“I kind of like the things we can’t tell Pete about.” Colson chuckled, leaning forward to connect your lips again.

[winterscaptain]

fear itself.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: part two of the 100 arc! this installment covers the events of faceless, nameless. i am living for the feedback! please keep it coming. i can’t wait to hear what you think as we go through this (very emotionally wrought) section.

an ajf fic arc that happily stands on its own! one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven

words: 4.5k warnings: canon-typical violence, language, hospital setting

summary: four hours of sleep and aaron’s missing. what else could go wrong?

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

4:02am “Just got home, so I’m calling like you asked. Shoot me a text when you get back to the apartment, if you aren’t already asleep. Call me when you’re up and we can work on that Nebraska consult, maybe in the early afternoon? Goodnight. Sleep well.”

8:13am “Hey, it’s me. I know I’m not supposed to be worried about you, but we were called in a half hour ago and you’re still not here...so...give me a call when you get this. Bye.”

8:48am “Hey, it’s me, checking in again. You’re probably still asleep, but I’ve never known you to sleep more than seven hours...so if I don’t hear from you by eleven I’ll drag you out of bed myself.”

9:51am “We’re headed to the crime scene. Garcia’s sent you the address. I know JJ’s been calling you too, so just...I dunno? Call us back? Bye.”

10:20am “If you’re getting these and ignoring me, I hope you know you’re taking years off my life right now.”

11:08am “Um...Call me back. I’m starting to worry. Well...not starting. I’ve been worried. But I’m getting...really worried.” 

11:37am “Aaron please call me and let me know you’re alright. You’re scaring me.”

+++

Needless to say, it’s been a weird day. Why you expected anything else after that wretched Canada case and four hours of sleep, you have no idea. 

You had a horrible dream last night, on top of everything else. The image of Aaron broken and bleeding beside you hadn’t left your mind since it first appeared in Foyet’s kitchen. You tried to shake it off every time, but it was persistent. 

We’ll worry about that later. 

You check the time again, trying to ignore the weird feeling in your gut. 

Where is he? 

Your phone rings and your heart leaps. Guilt (and a little bit of embarrassment) pricks at you when you’re disappointed to see Emily’s name on your phone. You answer. 

“You have to get down here.” Her voice isn’t frantic, per se, but the urgency is undeniable. 

“What’s going on?” 

She takes a breath. “I just got off the phone with Garcia - I have crime scene techs and SWAT on the way to Hotch’s apartment, and I need you here.” 

All the blood in your body seems to rush into your head, and you lean heavily on the nearest object - the dining room table. “What?”

“I - I don’t know. All his stuff is here and there's -” She stutters for a second. “There’s blood on the carpet, broken glass, and a bullet hole in the wall by the kitchen. No Hotch.” 

An eerie kind of calm washes over you, and you straighten, making eye contact with Derek. “Okay. Let me just -”

Derek gets a call, but keeps his eyes on you. “What’s goin’ on, Baby Girl?...What do you mean ‘Emily just called SWAT to Hotch’s apartment’ what -���

You break his gaze as he nods at you and turns to the rest of the team. “Emily, I’ll be right there. Don’t go anywhere.” 

+++

You make it to the hospital with Emily. You flash your credentials and it gets you exactly where you want to go. 

When you see him, your breath catches. He looks awful - drawn and small and wrapped in what seems like miles of gauze. Emily grabs your arm, but you’re not sure if it's for her benefit or yours. 

This is, after all, your worst nightmare come to life. A little chill crawls up your spine. This whole thing has you feeling six different kinds of scared. 

The nurse lets you into his room, telling you he’ll be out for another hour, at least. “He needs the rest.”

Emily leaves you to retrieve coffee. You take the opportunity to sit beside him and slide your hand under his, careful not to disturb the IV. Your hand shakes - whether from anxiety, fear, fury, or all of the above, you’re not sure. 

“If you die, Aaron Hotchner, I’ll kill you.”

You hear a little laugh from the doorway and you pull your hand from him. Emily shakes her head, two cups of coffee in her hands. “You’re fine. I'm not going to tattle.”

You squint. “Tattle?”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re so clueless it’s almost cute, but he’s worse.” She throws her head toward Hotch with a fond smile, handing you your cup of coffee.

+++

The rest of the team arrives in a flurry a little while later, and the nurse has to warn them off as Aaron starts to wake. 

They quiet down, surrounding his bedside. You haven’t moved, making it your mission to keep your eyes on him at all times. 

His eyes flutter before closing again. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital,” you say, keeping your voice quiet and steady despite the tightness in your chest. 

“How did I get here?”

Derek gets that one. “Foyet drove you.” 

Aaron takes a breath. It’s shaky, and you imagine he’s in a lot of pain. Emily leans forward, looking for his eyes. “Can you remember what happened?”

He tells you, slowly, about how Foyet broke into the apartment, waited until he was home with his guard down, fired a shot, and then...He trails off. A heavy breath leaves him. “What did he take?”

You have an answer. “There was a page missing from your day planner, the Bs from the address section.” 

He closes his eyes and his breath grows faster, his heart rate increasing. After a moment, he collects himself and asks Emily, “What did he leave?”

“I don’t know.” 

“He also leaves something with his victims.”

Emily shakes her head. “I looked through your entire apartment. Nothing felt out of place.”

“Where are my clothes?”

“Right here.” You reach over, grabbing the bag and removing his bloody shirt with only the barest moment of hesitation. He reaches for the envelope of his personal effects and you press it into his hand, saving him the effort. 

Tears prick at your eyes as you watch his hands shake, opening his wallet. He’s eerily quiet, and you catch a glimpse of a photo, tucked into the fold. 

Haley and Jack. There’s blood on it. You recognize it from the desk in his home office space. 

No. 

Aaron’s come to the same conclusion, falling back on the pillows with a look you can only describe as defeated. It scares you. You swallow, pushing your tears back. 

That’s the last thing he needs right now. 

“Haley’s maiden name is Brooks. I always listed her in the Bs in my personal information in case it fell into the wrong hands.” Your hand, like JJ’s, has fallen over your mouth. 

Oh. 

Of course. 

Of course, he keeps her under Brooks. All he wants to do is keep her safe. 

You hope, one day, that someone will love you that much, will want to protect you with the same ferocity, will think of you before anything else. 

You could only be so lucky. 

He swallows and continues. “He knows where they live.”

Derek makes assignments. You’re to stay right where you are, while the rest focus on locating Haley and Jack. 

When it’s just the two of you, he closes his eyes again. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if -”

“They’ll find her. They’ll find Jack. They’ll be safe.”

You have to believe it, too. They’re too important to you, to central to your life, now 

He shakes his head, his eyes cracking open. “Why didn’t I just take the deal?” Clearing his throat, he continues, his voice a little stronger, but still rough. “He told me I should have. I never thought -” He cuts himself off.

You hand him a cup of water, and he takes it gratefully. Idly, you note he hasn’t looked you in the eye yet. 

“Do you want an answer to your question?”

He doesn’t answer you, looking across the room. 

You lean into his eye line. “You didn’t take the deal because you have the most integrity of anyone I’ve ever known. Anything he does is on him. It’s not on you.” 

“But,” his voice breaks and the smallest of tears falls out of his eye. It tracks down his temple until you gently wipe it away with your thumb. “But I could have stopped all of this.” 

“No,” you whisper. Your hand lingers on the side of his face. “No. He’ll be this way wherever he goes. The only way you change that is by catching him, Hotch.” 

He finally looks at you, his brown eyes exhausted, hurting, and bloodshot. You card your fingers through the hair at his temple, putting the oxygen cannula back over his ear. Soon, he closes his eyes again, his vitals evening out as he falls asleep. 

“We’ll get him, Aaron.”

A few tense minutes later, your phone buzzes in your pocket. When you see the caller ID, a shot of adrenaline zings around your body. “Haley?”

Your name is a sigh of relief in her mouth. “SWAT scared the hell out of me and I just - I don’t know.”

“Oh, Haley I’m so sorry. I should have gone over there with the team but -“ Derek knew my stress wouldn’t be useful. 

“No, no. It’s fine. They’re getting Jack from a friend’s house, but they told me what’s going on. I’ll see you when I get to the hospital. I just -“ She laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “I just freaked out.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

Your heart pulls. “I love you, too.” 

She hangs up, and you stuff your phone back in your pocket. 

Aaron wakes again when you pull a case file from your bag, but you’re not sure it’s your doing.

Shit. 

He looks around a little frantically for a moment, still disoriented. You rise and cross the room, finding one of his hands. 

“Hotch, it’s okay. You’re still in the hospital.” 

“Haley?”

You nod. “They got her. She’s safe and she’s on her way with Jack.” 

He finally relaxes, sinking back down into the pillows. “Thank you.”

You nod and resume your place on the other side of the room, patting the back of his hand as you let him go. He’s quiet, if not a little fidgety. You look at him for a minute. He takes a talking breath. 

“After the first one, it kind of goes blank.” His breath is still a little unsteady, and you take your chair next to his bed again. “There were nine, apparently.” 

Your breath catches. It’s not new information, but it’s still raw, sharp-edged. 

Awful.

He swallows. “He taunted me.” His eyes beg you to understand, to keep him from flying off the rails. 

“He’s a bastard, Aaron.”

He levels you with a withering stare. No shit. 

“I know you know that, but it’s worth repeating.”

“I don’t want -“

You interrupt him, knowing exactly where he’s going. “You’re not going to become a victim. You aren’t a victim.”

“I don’t want Haley to -“ 

You press a hand to his arm, mindful of his bandages. “One day at a time. They’re safe today.”

His lip quivers and his voice leaves him in a whisper. “That’s not good enough.”

+++

Eventually, Haley arrives looking a little worse for wear. 

Her haircut’s really cute. 

The thought almost makes you laugh. 

Of all the things to notice...

You startle a little as you remember where you are and rise, ready to give them space. She waves you off, giving you permission to stay. 

“How do you feel?” She asks. 

Aaron sits up a little more, not without effort, and says, “I’m gonna be okay.” 

That’s not what she asked, stupid. 

He continues. “Did they explain to you what’s happening?”

She nods. “They said the marshal's service is taking us straight from here and putting us into protective custody.” Her eyes meet yours, and you dip your chin. She’s right. 

Aaron apologizes to Haley for the first of what you imagine will be many times. 

Her lower lip disappears between her teeth. “Do you know where they’re gonna take us?”

“No,” you answer. “We don’t. And that’s the point.” 

“I can’t know where you’re going,” Aaron adds. “If you have any contact with anyone, he can track you.”

That shocks her a little, and you can see she’s getting upset. “Jack has school. He has friends. I have a job now. I have -” She cuts herself off. 

“I know.” He levels a steady, solemn gaze upon her. “And I’m sorry. We will catch him and you’ll come back.”

She looks at you again. “Are you sure we’re in danger?” 

You nod, almost imperceptibly, and Hotch answers. “Yes.” 

“And what about you? Are you gonna be safe?”

There it is. 

She does love him. 

You knew that, of course. Seeing them together during visits at home or out to dinner or otherwise in the presence of that other, that was never in question.

Your heart tugs. 

Twenty-five years... 

“He wants to see me suffer. Knowing that my son is out there and that I can’t see him is better than killing me.”

Haley wets her lips and swallows. 

That’s her tell. 

You figure she’ll burst into tears pretty soon. It was only a matter of time, and you don’t blame her in the least. You’ve had tears threatening you all afternoon, and this wasn’t even happening to you. 

“Jack wants to see you.”

Aaron’s jaw gets a little tight. “I want to see him, too. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

You hear what he can’t say, too. I don’t want to scare him. I don’t want him to see me like this. 

“Look,” she says, exasperated. “I know you’re trying to protect him, but you both need this. Please.”

He nods, resigned. “Okay.”

Haley looks over and offers you a shaky smile, trying to break the tension. “He also asked me if you’d be here. He’ll be thrilled.” 

That almost does you in. “So will I,” you tell her, meaning every syllable. 

With another brisk nod and wipe of her face, she leaves the room to retrieve Jack. Aaron sits up a little straighter and you help him. He tries to suppress his wince, but fails. 

“Do you need another round?” 

He shakes his head. “I’ll be fine.”

“Just let me know.” You settle back into the corner, the case file in your lap. 

Haley and Jack return, and she brings him to Aaron’s side, lifting him up onto the bed. 

Aaron meets his eyes and tells him that he’s okay, giving him a little preparing for what’s about to happen. “But, what do I tell you whenever I go away?”

“That you love me.” 

You hide your face, looking out the window as tears finally fall from your eyes. Haley’s eyes are on you and you know it. You wipe at your face and take a quiet breath before turning back, pretending to pay attention to the case in your lap. 

In your periphery, you can see Aaron looking over Jack’s face as if to memorize it, as if he doesn’t already know every plane, every curve, every angle of his son’s face. “More than anything in the world.” 

They exchange a few more words before he brings him close and kisses his forehead. You glance up, and they look so alike in their profiles it almost makes you smile. Haley’s crying, too, and she meets your eyes. 

Something passes between you, but you don’t have a name for it. 

You don’t need one. 

Haley takes a breath and tucks her hair behind her ears. She redirects Jack’s attention to you, and his eyes light up. She helps him scramble off the bed and he books it around the bed to you. 

You close the case file and open your arms to him. “Hi, bud.” It’s hard not to scare him with the feverish way you hold him close, your fingers wound in his hair. 

There’s a failed attempt to avoid thinking about the uncertainty of the future, when you’ll see him again. 

If ever.

Stop. 

The pair of you lean back for a minute, and you brush his hair away from his forehead. 

“Are you going away, too?” He asks. 

You shake your head. “I’m gonna stay here with your dad.” 

“Are you going to keep my dad safe? I’m going to keep Mom safe.”

It’s Aaron who looks away this time. 

“Of course, my love.” You offer him something you hope looks like a smile. “We always keep each other safe. We’re a team, like you and your momma. I’m so proud of you.” You check in with Haley, who’s looking away, the back of her hand swiping at her cheek. When she turns back to you, you tilt your head a little. 

Want a minute? 

She nods. 

You stand, Jack still tucked against your chest. “I think,” you say, as he sits back in your arms, “Miss Emily and Miss JJ are back and might have something fun for you over there.” You tip your head toward the waiting room. “Wanna go see?”

He nods, leaning back into you and playing with your collar. You pat Aaron’s knee and squeeze Haley’s shoulder with your free hand as you pass. 

Aaron watches you go, your low murmuring comforts to Jack lost in the ambient hospital noise. When you find JJ and look back, giving him a small (if not a little watery) smile, he looks over at Haley, guilt closing up his throat. 

“I’m so sorry, Haley. I promise, when this is all over, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.” 

She gives him a half-smile and sits on the edge of his bed. She reaches for him, and he takes both of her hands in his. There’s silence for a moment as they sit together. She studies him. 

While it doesn’t bother him (she has been looking at him for nearly twenty-five years, after all), he does feel more exposed under her gaze than he’s used to. 

“You should do something about that, one of these days,” she says, looking over her shoulder. You’re still visible in the window, talking to JJ while Jack is still glued to you. His little arms are tight around your neck, his head tucked under your chin.

Aaron’s brow furrows, but the EKG picks up the increase in his heart rate, much to his embarrassment. “What are you talking about?”

Haley laughs, a light, watery, delicate thing, and turns back to him. It almost brings a smile to his face. “Do you think I don’t know what you look like when you’re head over heels, Aaron Hotchner? After eighteen years of marriage and twenty-five years knowing you? Give me a break.”

His jaw grows tight, but he holds her gaze. 

“You used to look at me like that, you know.” A little smile plays at her lips and she looks down, almost shy. “Still do, sometimes.” 

“I love you, Haley.” 

She squeezes his hand. “I know you do.” A sigh leaves her and she looks over her shoulder again, just catching a glimpse of you and JJ out in the hall with Jack as you go scavenging for something sweet. There’s a little smile at the corner of her mouth when she turns back to him. “You are so loved, Aaron.” 

“I don't…” He huffs, frustrated. “I don’t feel -”

“I’m not saying you have to do anything, but it might do you some good to just…” She sighs, throwing a hand up in a kind of searching gesture. “I don’t know, be honest with yourself. Think for a minute.” 

His teeth worry the inside of his lower lip as he thinks about it. He does care about you. But love? 

He thinks of the way his chest feels too small whenever you laugh, the way he always goes above and beyond to make sure you’re safe in the field, how he looks for you when you’re out of the room, how he looks for you when you’re in the room. 

The way you are with Jack brings him to his knees every time. The sound of his son’s laughter under your tickling fingers never fails to bring a smile to his face. 

You’ve helped him heal what seemed like an insurmountable chasm between him and Haley, and though it’s not perfect, it’s better than it would ever be without you. 

You always take a second to straighten his tie and ensure his suit jacket lays flat across his shoulders before leaving the plane, just like he always takes time to count the rounds in your magazines or tuck your tag back into your shirt collar. 

He always feels so warm under your fond and attentive touch. With a little bit of alarm, he hopes you feel the same under his. Safe. Cared-for. 

Loved. 

Oh. 

Oh no.

He knows the realization is clear on his face when Haley laughs again, surprising them both. She swipes at her eyes again, clearing any remaining tears. “You know, I can’t say I’m surprised you didn’t know, but it’s still funny, even with all this.” She shakes her head. “You haven’t changed much, have you?”

His face breaks out into a little smile as he looks back at her. “Oh, quit.” 

“I’ll never quit giving you hell, as long as we live.” Haley reaches out, pushing gently against his shoulder. He takes the shove like a champ, even through the ache in his chest and abdomen, thankful she’s not treating him like he’s made of glass. 

“Don’t I know it.” 

They look at each other for a minute before Aaron sobers, the mirth evaporating between them. He already misses her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m hoping it’ll be...temporary.” 

“I do have a life, Aaron. And Jack…” She sighs and her eyes fill with tears again. 

“I know. I’m sorry. I wish there was another way to keep you safe, but -” He cuts himself off, knowing there’s nothing he can say. 

She swallows again. She already misses him. “How am I supposed to keep him safe when there’s nobody I know to help me?”

He sighs, but speaks with conviction. “Haley, you’re strong. You lived with me in this job and you’ve practically raised Jack all by yourself. You’re a great mother.” 

Haley’s actively crying now, trying to stem the tears with her fingers. It’s not working. After a moment, she collects herself. “Can you catch this man?”

“I will catch this man.”

+++

When she leaves Aaron’s room, you bring Jack to her. You take a moment to lightly fuss over them both. 

Her blue eyes find yours. “Take care of him, please?”

You nod. “I will.” 

“He needs you.” 

She says it with a simple kind of conviction that makes your chest pull. You put a hand on her shoulder, trying to communicate everything you can’t say into your touch. “He needs you more.” 

“No, he doesn’t.” Her lips twist in an odd sort of smile and she wraps you in a hug and kisses your cheek. “I’ll see you soon.” 

You hold her tight, Jack trapped (and whining a little) between you. “See you soon, Hales.” You pull back, looking deeply into her eyes. “We’ll get him.” 

The U.S. Marshals arrive, and you have to let go of each other. You press a kiss to Jack’s forehead and tell him you love him one more time, and wait until they’re in the car and out of sight before you break down. 

You don’t know where he came from, but Derek wraps around you, catching you before your knees hit the ground. You don't know what you’re crying about, really. 

It could be the overwhelming task of catching Foyet.

It could be Hotch in the room down the hall with nine stab wounds to his chest and abdomen. 

It could be the indefinite absence of your dear friend and her son - a boy you love more than anyone except maybe -

Nope. Don’t go there. Not now. 

Sobs wrack your chest, and your head hurts and your throat is sore by the time your body lets you breathe. 

Derek’s there the whole time, rubbing your back and keeping your face hidden in the crook of his neck and shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay, kiddo. It’ll be okay. He’s okay. We’re gonna catch this son of a bitch.” 

“It’s just so much, Derek.” 

He sighs. “I know. I know.”

+++

“Did you hear what happened this morning?”

You’re woken by Dave’s voice, coming from the doorway. Cramped and crunched into the corner of an uncomfortable chair, you stretch and what feels like every joint in your body cracks. 

“No.”

When did Aaron wake up? 

You look over at him and he glances at you before returning to Dave, who’s leaning on the door frame. 

“We had a situation. Unsub had already killed two people. Said he was gonna keep killing unless a man used his son as bait.”

“What happened?”

Good question. 

Belatedly, you realize you’ve neglected your case duties all day in favor of holding vigil over Aaron’s bedside. The weirdest part about it? The rest of the team let you. 

Why? 

“We kept the boy safe. Worked the profile. It was a happy ending.” 

That’s good, at least. One fucking happy ending today. 

It’s like Dave’s reading your mind as he asks Aaron, “Do you know why I’m telling you this?”

“Yes.” Aaron’s gaze is impassive, but there are universes behind his eyes. 

“No other group in the world could have pulled off what yours did in a matter of hours.” Dave checks in with you, and the corner of your mouth lifts. 

Sorry. 

He shakes his head just a little. No sweat, kid. You did your job.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Dave, but -”

Dave cuts him off. “We’ll get Foyet.”

“I promised Haley I would get him. But the truth is, if he stops killing we have no way of tracking him. He stopped killing for ten years just for the pleasure of watching Shaunessy’s life fall apart.” 

He’s crying again, and your heart breaks. You’re surprised Dave can’t hear it crack all the way across the room. 

“What’s Jack going to remember about me in ten years?”

No. 

“Hotch, look at me.” You rise from your chair and sit on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb his position. He turns his head just so, his brown eyes locking onto yours. “We’ll get him. We will get him.”

We have to. 

+++

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[weathergirl8]

Master of Deflection - Part 6

Finally found time to post this sucker during this crazy week of graduation prep! Graduation practice tomorrow and actual ceremony Friday night for my associate's degree!

This is for you @ak47stylegirl and anyone else who enjoys Alan whump/smothering. Of course, there will be some extra Virgil in there too, because I just love the big guy.

@misssquidtracy @gumnut-logic @godsliltippy Thank you for your support on this fic!!

I bring you some Sky Turnip and Land Cabbage 💙💚

As a friendly reminder, I originally came from the TOS and TB 2004 era. I’ve tried to write a few TAG point-of-views, but my comfort zone is the previous. This will take place with Gordon as the redhead, and Virgil as the middle bro. Sorry!

Summary: Being the youngest of five is always hard, especially when they pounce at the slightest hair out of line. Sometimes the art of deflection can sting.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Virgil tried to suppress a yawn as he grabbed the needed medication from the infirmary. Alan’s fever had climbed nearly another degree. The medic of the family instinctively made the call to start antibiotics quickly. Virgil was confident they were now dealing with more than the common cold and that a bacterial infection was beginning to set in.

Entering Alan’s room, the middle Tracy was concerned to see the bed empty. Only the sight of the strewn sheets and a pile of used tissues remained. “Allie?”

“I’m in here,” Alan’s hoarse voice called from the bathroom.

Virgil sat the meds down and met the crumbled form of his baby brother. Alan sat on the bathroom floor, the wall seeming to be the only thing holding him up. “Sick again?”

“Yup,” Alan grumbled as he reached to flush the toilet. Virgil handed him a towel to clean himself up. “Thanks.”

Virgil helped him up but quickly took hold of his younger brother’s waist as the teen’s legs nearly crumbled. “Alan, you okay?”

“Yea,” the teen panted as another cough erupted from him. “Brain and body just don’t want to cooperate at the moment.”

“C’mon, let’s get you back in bed,” Virgil urged as they made the short walk to Alan’s bed. “If you don’t start keeping things down, I’m going to have to start an IV, kiddo. I’m worried about dehydration.”

“You’re preaching to the choir. This isn’t exactly a party,” Alan wheezed, letting his head sink back into his pillow.

Virgil observed him as Alan coughed and tried to take in a deep breath. “How long has that been going on?”

“I dunno,” Alan shrugged. “Awhile, I guess. It’s not like I’m writing all of this down.”

The middle Tracy handed Alan two pills, motioning for the teen to take the antibiotics. “When you’re not exerting yourself, is it hard to breathe?”

Alan gave his older brother a weird look but decided against the first thought that entered his mind. He wouldn’t exactly call laying in bed exerting himself, but who was he to judge? “If you call breathing with my mouth mostly, then sure.”

Virgil now wished he had kept the kid in the infirmary so he could ease his mind and have all of his equipment at his disposal. Knowing it wasn’t something the baby of the family would do, he opted for what he had in front of him. “Alright, if it gets worse, let me know immediately. Here’s something that will help with nausea, and something to hopefully help with that cough,” he said, handing Alan the tiny pill and cup of cough suppressant.

“Why do these always have to taste so gross?” Alan complained as he quickly swallowed several gulps of water.

“That’s how you know it’ll work,” Virgil smirked, winking at his annoyed sibling.

-TB-

The sunrise was Scott’s favorite part of his morning run. The smell of the morning dew across the island jungle and the colorful orange and yellow hues that rippled across the water.

He slowed his pace to a jog as he came across the broadest part of the beach on the Island. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, the oldest Tracy paused as he noticed a figure ahead. Confusion met him as he recognized the build of the person. Scott quickly jogged forward, calling out to his younger brother. “Virgil?”

“Hey, Scott,” the chestnut-haired Tracy greeted, wiping the sweat from his forehead with a towel.

Scott struggled for a moment. He knew he was treading on thin ice for his brother to be up this early. Virgil was always active, but athletically the medic was more of a gym guy. He found more solace in lifting weights and punching bags. Sprinting and running were always something the other brothers had enjoyed, barring John. It was rare to catch Virgil on a run outside of the gym, especially on one before the sun had been up for at least one hour in the sky.

“Pretty view, huh?” Virgil interrupted his thoughts, almost sensing his brother’s unease.

“Always is,” Scott smiled in appreciation. “No sunrise seems to be the same.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Virgil replied, taking a seat along the sand.

Scott’s concern only increased, but he followed his brother along the cool sand. His blue eyes searched the ocean while taking small glances at Virgil.

“You can ask,” Virgil exhaled, surprising the elder. “I know you’re wondering why I’m out here so early.”

Scott tried to suppress the grin that he knew was also on Virgil’s face. “Didn’t want to push.”

Virgil nodded in understanding, letting his hands rest on his raised knees. “Bad dreams and worried about Alan,” he stated plainly.

“I checked in on the kid before I started my run. Al was sound asleep, but he still felt warm and sounded congested. I think that humidifier might be helping,” Scott said, watching Virgil as he stared out into the water. “I didn’t want to disturb him. He needs his rest.”

“Allie’s exhausted,” Virgil admitted. “Between the coughing, vomiting, and congestion, his sleep has been interrupted. I gave him a round of antibiotics and something to help with the other symptoms. Alan’s definitely caught something bacterial for sure. Those cold waters from the rescue didn’t do him any favors.”

“I’m sure those will help,” Scott reassured. “He just needs time for the meds and his immune system to work.” The elder Tracy studied his brother once again. “Do you want to talk about the dreams?”

Virgil sighed as he threw a rock he had been playing with toward the water. “It was about the last mission.”

“I figured,” Scott added. “I would’ve been surprised if you didn’t. I know what it felt like being on the receiving end. I can only imagine what it was like in the moment physically.”

“Definitely won’t be in my top 20,” Virgil chuckled solemnly.

“Who said it was getting past the top 50?” Scott laughed, nudging Virgil.

“Point taken,” the middle Tracy smiled.

“All jokes aside,” Scott started. “Are you okay?”

“Okay is a relative term, Scott. We compartmentalize and move on-“

“-Virg, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“I do,” Virgil acknowledged meeting Scott's intense gaze. “Look, you know what happened. I don’t have to tell you again. I just…. I can’t get the image of the gun shoved against Alan’s neck out of my head and that look on his face. That look… Damnit, Scott. He’s too much like you!”

Scott tried not to laugh but empathized.

“I could tell Alan was scared, but the kid refused to show it. He was so trusting. Trusting of me to get us out of that situation.”

“You did, Virgil. Allie is safe because of you, and so are you. I was just as worried about you as I was our baby brother,” Scott countered. “You did what you had to, and no one was harmed.”

“That’s not the point, Scott. You have no idea how close it came.”

“What do you mean?” Scott asked, confused.

“There’s a bullet hole in the floor of the rescue platform. A hole that was inches away from hitting Alan when he hit the deck.”

Realization dawned on the oldest Tracy. “Is that what your dream was about? That the bullet actually hit Alan?”

Virgil remained silent as he collected his thoughts. He felt Scott turn to face him, the older pilot’s knees resting against one of his own. “Mostly, but what stuck with me most was that look. Like I said, having a hard time getting it out of my head.”

Scott placed a comforting hand along Virgil’s knee, squeezing it. “I know you don’t need me to tell you about how great you are when quick decisions need to be made. That goes without saying, but Allie trusted you with his life because so would I. Any of us would. The next time a lunatic threatens one of my brothers with a gun, he’ll wish neither one of us were around.”

Virgil smiled. “Thanks, Scott.”

“Anytime. You good?”

“I’ll be fine,” Virgil replied. “We probably should head in. Breakfast will be started soon, and I need to check on Alan and make sure Dad isn’t camping at his side.”

“Dad was still asleep when I checked on Al,” Scott said as they began to walk up the path that led to the main villa. “Besides, he has an early call with one of the new brokers, if I remember correctly.”

“Good, that should keep him occupied,” Virgil grinned.

TBC…

[daaziscoolbesties]

[REPOST] MY 2K WORD COMMENTARY/ANALYSIS OF RANBOO’S LORE STREAM

‼️‼️This post contains lore spoilers from Ranboo’s 4/23 stream, “The Enderwalk Saga. Chapter 1: The Lessons”. If you haven’t seen that stream don’t read ahead unless you want spoilers‼️‼️

disclaimer: this isnt really an analysis as much as a bunch of commentary and half-baked theories.

-on the way to the mansion he was sort of talking to himself saying stuff like "i'm good i'm good" which m a y be a normal thing but also maybe it's not and it flew over our heads cause he talks to chats and donos like that so often

-again, this one may just be a normal thing but when he was climbing up the stairs in the mansion looking for foolish, he repeats some of his words like down to the exact same tone of voice and everything. 12:42,  "this mansion is way too big actually. this mansion is way too big actually." (why the repeated actually? seems odd to me but again it might just be a normal thing that i haven't picked up on). (right after) "okay okay lemme find him lemme find him" again repeated words in the e x a c t same tone.

-does everyone know about ranboo's silk touch hands ability thing? or was that just a techno and ranboo main character moment. bc if it was, how would foolish know that ranboo could pick up the full cake after it'd been partially eaten. unless everyone on the sever knows about that in which case this means nothing. but if they d o n t know... how would foolish know? ranboo wrote about it in the do not read book so maybe if it's not a publicly known thing maybe foolish got his hands on the book and read it??

-14:53-ish, they're talking about the war room and how it was for tubbo or whatever and ranboo says, and i quote "he prepares for lore but he's never gonna do it." now funny thing is at first i couldn't tell if he said "war" like in reference to the war room or "lore". but after playing the clip over and over i can say with ALMOST 100% certainty that he said lore. there is a definite L sound at the beginning of the word. which either means a) this was a slip up (doubtful bc he said later that there were no mistakes), b) he broke the fourth wall because they were supposed to be rping at that point, or c) i'm completely wrong and he said "war" which leads down an entire other road of possibilities

-15:17 "are you a book reader?" "*checks inventory for do not read book* uh yeah i'd say i'm a book reader-" dunno how i didn't catch this the first time I HATE THAT DAMN BOOK

-15:18 there's blue in his hotbar. where did he get the blue.

-16:40 "it's like a metaphor- i have two minds: i have my normal self, my normal little shift-dancing self, and then the builder one. the builder one is demanding. it's a very demanding mind." ranboo then lets out a weird sigh after this. i feel like what foolish was talking about was an indirect(?) parallel to ranboo in and out of enderwalk, there's how he normally is, trying to do best for others, and then there's enderwalk, meeting up with bad guys and "demanding" things (its very late as i write this i really don't know what i'm talking about)

-17:11 "you have your panic closet" i'm sorry his what now 😀 no but seriously how the hell did i miss some of these

-18:04 "you're asking me if i remember?" very funny ranboo thank you for making jokes in these trying times

-18:25 WHY DID HE GET OUT THE AXE WHEN STARING AT THE BEE

-19:38 why did foolish hold the grass block- most of these observations probably mean nothing but- h u h - is that- i'm too tired for this

-19:54 "i never properly thanked you for the deal you made with me" so foolish got something out of this deal, we're not sure if ranboo did. "the green cardboard box" again do you mean dream's house- but seriously the only people i can think of on the server that are associated with green are dream and sam. and i have no idea what cardboard box could be referring to.  foolish got a lime colored shulker from drista

-20:30 "we're supposed to only talk about it at a certain location" hmm now where would that be? panic room maybe? cause like usually after doing a big thing in the enderwalk state ranboo wakes up in the panic room so maybe?  the deal was that they only talk about it in his house

-21:52 how does ranboo receive(?) the lessons? like are they whispered to him in his mind or is he seeing them as words in front of him like we see? hmm

-"Lesson 14: If you have the opportunity to gain a favor, take it." "gain a favor" don't you usually ask people for favors though? how does one "gain a favor"? anyways i'm pretty sure lesson 14 has to do with the deal foolish was talking about. (the deal explained because i now have info: at some point a bit ago foolish met up with ranboo and asked to make a deal, he'd gotten a shulker box from drista. the deal was that ranboo would have ownership of the box, it would be under his name but foolish rents/borrows it indefinitely. ranboo negotiated that if he took ownership of the box he would get a "war favor"  from foolish where if something happens that creates sides, ranboo can ask him a favor that could change his side. but why would foolish want ranboo to have ownership of the shulker you may ask? well i have an answer for you. a theory actually but still. basically since drista technically isn't supposed to give out shit on the server if someone where to have that stuff then they may get in trouble. foolish wants to be able to use the shulker but if it gets found he doesn't want to get in trouble, so he can blame it on ranboo seeing as it's under his name.)

-22:16-ish "i still have this from when you *can't understand whats said here*" well i guess that sort of explains why he had the grass block? idk man (info update: he had the grass block from when ranboo threw it at him telling him to calm down like what ghostbur does with blue)

-31:35 "i figured out how to cause it" how to cause the enderwalk state

-38:30 "ninety three lessons" I STILL DONT KNOW WHY HE KEPT SAYING NINETY THREE AND NOT NINETY FOUR AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY LMAO

-39:01 "it's all for the greater good" okay well when are you gonna start thinking about yourself and not everyone else for once huh. self care bitch.

-40:31 he started holding the axe when he was looking at sam- gonna say it i really don't like that axe ahahah- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE THE AXE IS NAMED "axe of ender" I DONT LIKE THAT I DONT LIKE THAT AT ALL

-41:53 is there something?? physically keeping him from telling sam??? or maybe it's sort of like his enderwalk state taking control to make him shut the fuck up??? so many questions and approximately zero answers

-43:18 ranboo raising his voice legitimately scares me 😀👍

-"Lesson 27: Do not reminisce on what you have lost for it will weigh you down." showed up when he was thinking about and REMINISCING about the community house 👀👀

-"Lesson 53: Never fully trust anyone." showed up literally after he said that he thinks he can trust the other people on the server enough to tell them about what he did

-"Lesson 67: Leave no evidence of what you have helped with." this is different from the others because there doesn't seem to be at least a semi-direct connection to it? unless maybe at the time ranboo was near something he may have "helped with"? not sure about this one

-"Lesson 94: DO NOT LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" yeah yeah i get it i get it he's fucked up some shit in enderwalk i don't feel like analyzing this thanks

-OH OH NOTICE HOW HE SAYS "REMEMBERING" WHEN THE LESSONS SHOW UP. IMPLYING THAT THIS ISNT A NEW THING, ITS HAPPENED BEFORE AND NOW HES REMEMBERING IT. MAYBE HE WROTE DOWN THE LESSONS WHEN HE WAS IN ENDERWALK AND NOW THAT HES BEEN EXPERIMENTING ITS BEEN EASIER FOR HIM TO REMEMBER THOSE ENDERWALK MEMORIES

-okokok the experiments are that he's been e x p e r i m e n t i n g on how to purposefully induce the enderwalk state. and we know now that it wasn't from the pain of the water because on the stream afterwords he said that it's caused by the intense fear of something happening. and so the "side effects" of the experiments is that since he's in enderwalk more often(?) he starts remembering more things from it

-OH MY GOD WAIT "there is a reason sam, there's so many reasons, theres ninety three of them" (44:47) WHAT IF EVERY LESSON IS TIED TO A QUOTE UNQUOTE "reason" THAT RANBOO THINKS HES A BAD PERSON/NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP BUT HE SAYS NINETY THREE INSTEAD OF NINETY FOUR BECAUSE THE NINETY FOURTH LESSON DOESNT HAVE A REASON YET/HE DOESNT REMEMBER IT HAVING A REASON

-dude honestly the whole sam part hurts so much this man is scarily good at acting

-46:46 "i cant put you in the prison you wouldn't be able to see michael anymore" bestie that's the point he doesn't want to accidentally hurt michael or tubbo in the enderwalk state—

-okay but there's no way that sam couldn't tell that ranboo was at least TRYING to confess to something- i feel like he definitely knows more than he's letting on because usually like when people do bad shit or admit to doing bad shit he's like in Prison Guard Mode™️ (he literally cut off ponk's arm because he stole some keycards or something) and whatever and idk what he knows but he definitely knows something and is trying to protect ranboo. or he's trying to manipulate him or smth either one works—

-50:38 "you are a good person" "i am?" you can hear my heart shatter. "yes you are" "i don't think so sam" "i do, even if you don't" "i really don't think so" and there it goes again

-51:25 hello badboyhalo i see you to the left of ranboo

-52:44 "but then my curiosity got the best of me" curiosity killed the cat, bitch

-52:54 "there's ninety three, ninety four, ninety- theres so many reasons!" SEE!! NOT ONLY ARE THERE THAT MANY LESSONS THERE ARE REASONS THAT CORRESPOND IM S O SMART—

-52:56 "i don't want to remember anymore!" *quietly brings forth my theory that when ranboo loses a canon life his memory gets wiped*

-53:13 "ive opened pandora's box" isn't the prison?? literally called pandora's VAULT??? so this m a y be a stretch but i'm thinking that maybe this could be taken in the literal sense that he "opened" the prison and let dream out (the sirens at the end of quackity's stream confirm that dream is indeed out)

-53:42 mans just straight up walked through a ghost i—

-55:37 so are we just gonna ignore the eleventh page of the book? "he's alive, but hopefully soon dream won't be"??? alright nevermind it's most likely bc when tommy came back he recruited ranboo in his plan to kill dream

-55:47 notice how he writes "what am i?" as opposed to "who am i?" no elaboration here idk what it could be

-56:08 just so it's clear for anyone who doesn't know- he's wearing armor at this point, and i'm like 90% sure that when he wears his armor water can't hurt him. and i saw someone say somewhere that like with splash potions when thrown it turns into a gas-like thing? so again, it didn't hurt him, he didn't get hurt. he said in the chill stream that he wasn't comfortable making it where his character had to hurt himself to do that. the thing that causes the enderwalk isn't pain, it's intense and sudden emotions like fear and stress. thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[water-that-makes-the-frogs-gay]

ok so i wrote this essay on things i didn't like about the giver a few days ago and i wanna share it so here ya go

ok so before i start i wanna make a few disclaimers. 1) a lot of this is purely opinion based so take it with a healthy teaspoon of salt lmao 2) i haven’t read it in like 2 years so yeah and 3) i will be discussing themes that seemed kinda off to me (seemed a little pedophilic imo) though i highly doubt that the author intended this, it’s probably mostly a case of personal interpretation and the fact that it was first published in 1993. also ill be doing brief explanations of things throughout the essay for those who aren’t familiar or haven’t read it in awhile so thats a thing. so yeah with that out of the way, onto the essay

first off, i wanna discuss the world of the story since that’s a main part of it (it is a dystopian novel after all). the main premise of the society the main character (jonas) lives in is the ideology of everything and everyone must be the same to ensure equality. this is neat, i like it and ive kept it in my reworking. one thing louis lowry did to emphasize this theme is that she made it so that no one but the giver and the receiver could see color (the receiver can only see brief glimpses of color until they get memory’d). i get why she did this but personally i just think its kinda silly. like why not just have everyone be able to see color and just have a boring color scheme? i dunno just something i feel is kinda stupid. another thing, everyone has the same birthday. again, i get why she did this, everyone must be equal and everyone needs to progress at the same time but my thought was that she couldve had it so that everyone progressed in grades or something like that. speaking of aging, people are assigned babies instead of having them. they like sign up to get a kid and they have to get two. its not like theres even specific times where you have to get kids, you just get em whenever. also if twins are born the weaker twin gets euthanized which what?? couldn’t you just give em to another family?? why the baby killing? oh and job training starts at twelve which is a terrible idea since 12 year olds and not responsible in the slightest, speaking as a former twelve year old. this is also when the stirrings start which is basically their weird word for puberty hormones (these are suppressed by pills in story). this would be fine if it the feelings that came with it weren’t described. like it just feels a little bit weird to me for an adult to be writing about a child’s developing sexuality, especially when a kinda sexually toned dream sequence was included (said dream was jonas wanting to bathe his female friend (bathing the elders is a thing in their society) and then him getting mad when she didnt want him to which felt weird for other reasons too). now onto the whole giver fiasco, yknow, the main big plot thing. so theres one giver and they have all the memories. they act as a sort of advisor for the community elders (the ones in charge) and they possess all the memories of human past. i dunno i just think this is a lot. like it couldve been a secret library or something instead of storing memories. these memories are transferred through touch and the giver had jonas take his shirt of to transfer memories to him which i thought was strange since it showed in the book that it could be transferred through the touch of a shoulder but i may just be forgetting something. also they could be manifested into reality, like jonas made himself and his baby sibling, who he took outside of the community to escape, warm in the snow by thinking about memories of hot things like summer. and yeah i think thats it for the world. now onto the plot and characters

first things first, the characters do not act or talk like kids. they all act like they’re thirty except jonas’s little sister. it was kinda weird reading it because of that. also the main character felt very bland to me. jonas mainly narrated things to the audience and factually explained the world. there wasn’t much internal dialogue that felt like it had any emotions or thoughts about what was going on. for example, there was a part where (tw for physical child abuse) jonas was recounting a time where his friend, asher, was beat several times for not speaking clearly until he stopped talking altogether. there wasn’t any rage or upset in his narration, i went back and checked. like youd think that he’d be upset in some way when thinking about that but no, not even a little bit. there was more emotion when he started training to be the giver but even then he still felt very bland and less like a character and more like something to see the plot through. this could just be me though, i do tend to write my characters having very opinionated voices so it may just be me expecting something lowry wasnt trying to convey. i also feel like the book spent a little too long on the world building and exposition and that that made the journey to the outside feel very rushed but at the same time it was still really boring to me. i also didn’t appreciate how the book ended with just a very brief description of a cabin in snowy woods. i get that theres sequels but still. felt very anticlimactic to me. the coming of age ceremony also took a little too long for my liking. like i get that its long and boring you didnt have to show it that much. i wish that she just skipped to the important parts with jonas and his friends and just did a brief recounting of the other things. theres a lot more to the plot but i dont feel like going and rereading the book to see if theres anything i dont like but dont remember, i couldnt have hated it that much if i dont remember it

so yeah those are my thoughts on the giver. sorry that this kinda sucks its fueled by 6th grade me’s rage lol. again, a lot of this is very subjective and is just my opinion. ive also been working on a reworking of the giver if anyone’s interested (a lot is changed and much of what ive changed is just cause i personally didnt like it lmao). anyways thanks for listening 

[thomothysdoodles]

1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 17, 18, 20, 23, 26, 17, 28, 31, 32, 35, 37, 38, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67,, 68, 69, 70, 71, 73, 74, 75, 85, 86, 87, 88, 90, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 98

I am so sorry, I literally have no idea what came over me

Wow Lulu you really said ‘let’s ask this bitch EVERYTHING’. I love it tho lmao. Since it’s long imma put it under the cut tho

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you?

“A pleasure to have in class, a bit lost in their mind, if they committed and focused more they’d excell but they settle for good grades”

From elementary to high school lol

5. Do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I like soda cans

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Somewhere between tomboy and grunge I think

8. Movies or tv shows?

Tv shows

9. Favorite smell in the summer?

Sunscreen and freshly baked bread

11. What do you have for breakfast on an average day?

A cup of milk with some cereal or biscuits. For the past month I’ve been following the keto diet tho, and I usually are some ricotta with peanut butter for breakfast

12. Name of your favorite playlist?

“Sad but vibing” lol

14. Favorite non chocolate candy?

Strawberry lollipops

17. Most frequently worn pair of shoes?

A black vans pair, I bought em in August but the left one already got a hole on the front 😤

18. Ideal weather?

Cloudy but not too windy or cold. I just don’t like the sunlight in my face

20. Preferred place to write?

On my phone’s notes app lol, I’ve got almost two thousand notes in here

23. Strange habits?

I hide stuff in my room with no apparent reason. I’ve got money stashed around my room in four different points lol

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Given the chance, I like to race with my bike to get some refreshing wind

27. Favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Cozy up in a blanket and watch some tv

28. Five songs to describe you.

Karma— AJR

Ultimately— Khai Dreams

Putting a spin on Slow Dancing in the Dark— egg

Mars— YungBlud

Gotta be a Reason— Alec Benjamin

31. What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Black jeans, black sturdy boots, and a silly little hoodie lmao

32. Top five favorite vines?

‘DONT FUCK WITH ME, IVE GOT THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’

‘Let me see what you have!’ ‘A KNIFE!’ ‘NO!!!’

‘Hey bro, what do you wanna eat?’ (‘The souuuls of my enemies’) ‘A bagel’ (‘NOOO’) ‘..two bagels.’

FR E SH A VOCA DO

‘Two shots of vodka..’ *pours half a bottle of vodka*

35. Average time you fall asleep?

I am terrible at this. I love sleeping but I also love feeling ✨ unbothered ✨ doing whatever I want in the middle of the night. So, never before 3am usually

37. Suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase

38. Lemonade or tea?

Tea

40. Weirdest thing to happen at your school?

I dunno how weird it is, but I always found peculiar that there were cigarette butts on the ceiling of the bathrooms. Like, seven feet tall ceilings. How did those cigs get there??

41. Last person you texted?

My best friend to tell her that my sister found a way to let me watch supernatural on American Netflix >:3c

42. Jacket pockets or pant pockets?

Jacket pockets

43. Hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie and/or jean jacket

44. Favorite scent for soap?

I dunno. Talcum powder I think

45. Which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Superhero

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Tee and boxers. Sometimes socks too

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Umh. Clementines maybe. Easy to peel, sweet but also not, sometimes with seeds.. and some people loathe the little white stripes they have and they spend hours peeling those away

49. What saying or quote do you live by?

“Like any / unloved thing, I don’t know if I’m real /when I’m not being touched.” —Natalie Wee

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

My best friends always make me wheeze, it can be the stupidest dumbest thing ever, I’m really fucking easy to amuse lol

51. current stresses?

My driver license my driver license my driver license my driver license my driver license my d

52. Favorite font?

I have no idea. This one? Lol

53. What is the current state of your hands?

Good. I just cut my nails, I really wanna put some nail polish but my dad comes back home tomorrow and he always looks me weird when I put it

55. Favorite fairy tail?

The little mermaid

56. Favorite tradition?

A tradition I have with my friends is that when we celebrate someone’s birthday, we go to the thrift shop and buy them stupid stuff to wear or put on. On my birthday a couple days ago I had to wear playboy bunny ears and a black glittery bow tie lol. Once I bought my best friend a tiny pirate hat, and for another my friend took a boa with pink feathers lol

57. The 3 biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Mmmh

I’m having a hard time with my parents since I dropped out of uni but I think I’m starting to overcome it finally

When my parents were about to divorce and in was dreading the idea of moving from this city

That time in middle school I spent a couple weeks at the hospital to run a bunch of neurological tests

58. Four talents you’re proud having?

I’m pretty good at multitasking

It’s very difficult to enrage me (yes I consider it a talent)

I can juggle lol

I can read in moving cars/trains etc without getting sick :D

59. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“What the f—“

61. Favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/ etc?

“Happiness isn't in the having. It's just in the being. It's in just saying it.” Aka Castiel’s love confession (OF COURSE I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING DESTIEL RELATED)

62. Seven characters you relate to?

No specific order:

Dean Winchester

Eric Derekson

Jake Peralta

Doug Eiffel (👀)

Tony Stark

Klaus Hargreeves

Diego Hargreeves

63. Five songs that would play in your club?

Anything from P!ATD

Bang!— AJR

Natural— Imagine Dragons

Anything from Set It Off

Maniac— Conan Gray

64. Favorite website from your childhood?

I didn’t use computers in my childhood lol

66. Favorite flower(s)?

Fresias 💕

67. Good luck charms?

I used to keep in my pocket a little hazelnut my dad gave me once telling me that it was a good luck charm. I took it away tho. I dunno, maybe my rings

68. Worst flavor of any food of drink you’ve ever tried?

I have to admit I never tasted it, but the smell of truffle literally makes me gag, so that

69. A fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Apparently your love language is both the one you give AND want love, and also the one you most lacked growing up. So. Mull that over.

70. Left or right handed?

Rightie

71. Least favorite pattern?

Holey ones. Make my sight go double

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an Advil of ibuprofen?

A seven I guess. I usually try to sleep off anything I have, I hate to take medicines, and loathe to call the doctor lol

75. When did you lose your first tooth?

Around.. six I think?

85. Fairy tails or mythology?

Mythology forever

86. Cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies 🍪

87. Your greatest fear?

That the other shoe will drop and I’ll be alone and lonely

88. Your greatest wish?

To have enough stubbornness to do what I wish to do without getting demoralized so easily

90. Luckiest mistake?

Me and one of my best friends got to know each other through other common friends, and once they both couldn’t come and we ended up spending the day together. We had lots of fun, but we also got drunk and I lost my mcfreaking watch lmao

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Lamps

94. Favorite season?

Winter ❄️

95. Favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr! (And the music one. And the podcasts one. And— jk lol)

[lizzienaut]

*breathes in deeply* Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Neville, Hedwig, Hagrid, Sirius, Filch, Cedric, McGonagall, Lupin, Mad Eye, Lily, Trelawney, Oillvander, Cho, and Petunia- *collapses and wheezes* *caramelldansen plays faintly in the background*

wOAH THAS A LOT OMGTHANK YOU FOR THE ASK ITS GONNA BE UNDER THE CUT EE

Harry Potter: Tell us about a scar on your body

okaY so i have a really tiny scar like right beside my left eyei got it in like fourth grade when my class was walking to swim lessonsim a clumsy dumbass so i trIPPED ON THE SIDEWALK AND FELL FACE FIRST INTO ITthe metal part where like,, the arms of my glasses connected to my frame DUG INTO MY TEMPLE AND CUT IT INTO SMITHEREENS i bled all over my teacher and you bet your ass i scream-sobbed 😎

Ron Weasley: Something you’re afraid of?

im afraid that at any moment everyone that im close with is gonna suddenly be like “haha pranked” and tell me theyve always hated me and then leavei haveabandonment issues whoopsiesbut for reaL my deepest fear is that people only like me out of pity and that once they get bored of me they’ll justdump mei dunno a lot of people have left me without an explanation and it just likereally hurts dude sometimes it makes me think there’s something wrong with me

that got really sad

im also really scared of the dark and loud noises!! ajkfsdf

Fred Weasley: Can you do any magic tricks? What is the best one you can do? If you can’t do any, what’s the best one you’ve seen?

MY FAVORITE SHOW WHEN I WAS YOUNGER WAS MAGIC’S BIGGEST SECRETS FINALLY REVEALEDthe masked magician looks DOPE AS HELLaltho the narrator and his obsession with women kindaweirds me out thinking back on it BUTi always liked watching him cut people in halF :O

George Weasley: What is the best prank you’ve ever played on someone?

OH OHwhen i was in fifth grade the charlie charlie challenge was big popular still and my group of friends at the time wanted to do it so i set it up and they asked a question and nothing happenedand so they asked anotherand i really subtly blew on the pencil and it moved and everyone collectively screamed and it was the funniest shit ever i am a prank master(tm) bow before me mortal

Neville Longbottom: Tell us an embarrassing story.

okay so like i gush about my friends a lot rightand i gush about iven a lot right i refuse to tag you because this still really embarrasses me and it happened like forever agoso i would talk about him a lot to my super close irl friend ~*~m~*~and ONE DAYWHILE ALL THREE OF US WERE IN A CALLTHIS FOOL DeCIDES TO SUDDENLY TELL HIM EVERY fUCKING THING IVE EVER SAID ABOUT HIM aND I LITERALLY LIKEMUTED MYSELF AND THREW MY EARBUDS ACROSS THE ROOMoh my GOD you have absolutely no idea how red and frantic i was i was gonna slaughter her AND THEN TODAY ONE OF MY OTHER FRIENDS stARTED TELLING HIM SHIT IVE SAID AND I JUSTPLEASE NOi cant even describe the feeling of pure unadulterated dread that courses through my veins every time someone’s like “oh haha by the way ___ cass said...”I DONT KNOW WHY IT EMBARRASSES ME SO MUCH BUT IT DOES HHH

oh but wait yall are here for tickles arent you so ill throw in a quick mini bonus storyone time during drama my whole class was sitting around each other in a circle and i was sitting beside one of my friends, who i was annoying the shit out of becos im a huge brat, and i dropped something and i bent to pick it up and she suddenly slammed her hand under my arm and started brutally murdering me in front of everyone and didnt stop until i like shrieked out an apology not like shriek but quiet scream beg sdjgskfg

Hedwig: If you went to Hogwarts, what kind of pet would you bring? (ex: cat, owl, rat, frog)

KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KI

Rubeus Hagrid: What is your favorite mystical creature?

mermaiDS!! mermaids are babes!! i wanna be a mermaid!! OR A SELKIE selkies are so pretty maN

Sirius Black: Have you ever been accused of doing something you didn’t do?

yeaH all the TIMEand when nobody believes im innocent its just so upsETTING AH

Argus Filch: What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

ive actually!! never had a job before oopsBUT UHive been out on the job with my dad before delivering food and god damn people can be such assholes to fast food workers lmao

Cedric Diggory: Have you ever had a near death experience?

YEAH MANY TIMESmy favorite time was almost getting hit by a double decker bus

Minerva McGonagall: What is your favorite spell?

tiggle spell

Remus Lupin: If you transform into any one animal or creature, which one would it be?

K I T T Y

Mad Eye Moody: Who is the bravest person you know?

my mama!! shes gone through so much and shes so strong an i justi love my mommy im sorry 😔

Lily Potter: What color eyes do you have?

blue!! :D

Professor Trelawney: Have you ever dreamt something was going to happen and then it happened?

OOOi had a dream that some guy that i had a crush on in like seventh grade was gonna break up with his girlfriend and it happened a few days later and i was like

😎😎😎

Mr. Ollivander: What would your wand look like?

pretty and pink next question

Cho Chang: If you were on the Quidditch team, what position would you play?

probably chaserim not quick or attentive enough to be a seeker and being a keeper would be p harD BeCOS AGAIN IM NOT FASTmaybe i could disrupt everyone else as a beater butchaser it is :o

Aunt Petunia: What is your favorite flower?

roses!! roses are so pretty i love them so much

[everygame]

Ultima IV (PC)

Developed/Published by: Origin Systems Released: 16/09/1985 Completed: 29/09/2019 Completion: Beat it! Trophies / Achievements: N/A

As usual, my route to playing this was pointlessly convoluted as I suddenly thought to myself “man, I’d like to play those weird Ultima side stories, Savage Empire and Martian Dreams” then thought a bit about how I had never played an Ultima that used the text parser/keyboard input and then decided well I might as well go back to the oldest Ultima anyone considers worth playing* to get used to it, because if I could stand that I’d consider games in the Ultima VI engine a major quality of life upgrade.

(*I’m aware that people definitely like Ultima III, but it’s still part of the goofy first trilogy where they had to ret-con everything anyway, and I have my limits.)

Anyway, Ultima IV is probably one of the most important RPGs ever made even though if you really think about it so much of the series has been left behind (despite how much it still has to teach.) Having said that, Ultima IV is easily the most bafflingly hard to get into game I’ve played probably since I started this site, considering after the fun, unique character creation it just dumps you in the world (in one of several possible locations, some of which are islands you might have no idea how to get off of) and says “go for it.”

I spent a lot of time cross-referencing different walkthroughs and maps just to even begin to understand how to play this, and it’s a bit of a shame that it’s all so deeply obscure (by wont of the era in which it was made, memory requirements and Richard Garriott’s lack of playtesting) because Ultima IV actually is… sorta fun?

There are a ton of design issues. For a game about living up to virtues, Garriott didn’t think it through too far and got a bit desperate with what you’re supposed to do for each of them leading to about four of them basically amounting to “repeatedly give money to beggars” (and which you can cheat by walking in and out of the same town, which is hardly very virtuous.) Oh and you don’t actually want to have any of your party join you until the end of the game because it’s absolutely tedious to even move 3 or four companions about in each battle. All the dungeons are mental, and the game is extremely badly paced because you’ll definitely end up doing them all at the end rather than across the game (but at least you can cheat through almost all of them with up/down spells…)

That all said, weirdly Ultima IV really… well, it’s hard to explain, but it just got my imagination going. Mind when games didn’t have all them dang graphics and you had to sit and imagine great adventures? Well, somehow this got all my nostalgia flowing and I… imagined… my adventure. I dunno, I can’t explain it.

Will I ever play it again? No, but I’m playing Ultima V right now!!! Well, not right now, because I’m writing it, but also probably not right *now* while you’re reading it. I’m asleep or at work or something.

Final Thought: Alright I didn’t emphasise this enough maybe but this is almost impossible to go back to. It’s nicer with the VGA graphics upgrade and in the excellent virtual machine xu4 but by virtue of being quite open ended you really have to be dedicated to solving this from the get go or else you’ll bounce off it within five minutes. But if you get into the right mindset, it’s… well, it’s at least interesting.

[bmpmp3]

slaps my own ass so ive been listening to trance music from the 2000s all day like a 11 year old furry who makes 3-frame ms paint + windows move maker animations of her fursona (a gray tabby cat with blue eyes blue fairy wings and also a sword) raving before she even understood what a rave actually was all day after school and I’m in a Zone right now so im gonna talk about me ikemen sengoku ocs

im currently working on some stuff for the ikesen network OC week i am HYPE 

I’m drawing some route preview kinda things and I made a horrible mistake ‘cause I drew Masato first cause he's super fun and easy to draw even tho he's a bastard and then I drew Otsuta and Tokijiro scaled to him (Masato’s a big boy and Tokijirou and Otsuta (both around the same height) go up to like his nose) but now I’m at Wormy who is 8 feet tall HE CANT FIT

I CANT FIT MY BOY

oh well I guess I wouldn’t have been able to fit them all to scale anyway ‘cause again.....8 feet tall, I’ll just figure out how to get creative with the composition LOL

since all my ikemen sengoku ocs are just new love interests jdsfkjs I have ideas for how their routes would go?? 

Otsuta’s would honestly be the closest to your average ikesen route, like lots of goofs and bad first impressions and some fluff but also some Drama(tm) and probably some time travel nonsense and then a happy ending lol, she’s basically me simultaneously fulfilling my 15 year old self’s dream of dating Mine or even Rika from Amnesia: Memories but also she’s low key a bit of me self inserting to fulfil my current dream of dating the ikesen MC 

I’m not sure what her pet should be, hmmmmm, I also need to figure out her image colour hMMMM

I think it could be interesting if her love rival was either mitsuhide or motonari? ‘cause im kinda developing her story to have her kinda become friends with them bitches jdkfjkdskjfs like with motonari itd be like normal friends  (or at least as good as friends as you can be with someone like motonari jdfsjdkss) ‘cause she makes him train her in fighting, and she’s frenemies with mitsuhide ‘cause they actually would get along but she’s sneaky like him and his self loathing is that strong

Tokijirou’s would also be pretty chill except the time travel nonsense would happen a Lot Earlier, I feel like in his route he’d get sent to the future by accident?? like before the three months are up the wormholes like sike bitches and just tosses tokijirou and mc in the future while sasuke’s all alone jfdksajsfd 

I just think itd be really fun if this normal ass dude from medieval times was thrown into the modern day i dunno qwq I think his route would be fluffier than Otsuta’s but he’s got a bit of a inferiority complex like hideyoshi so some angst would come from that

His image colour is like a very warm hot Pink Coral kinda colour? And not to be a horse girl on main but I kinda want his pet to be a horse? A really stubborn kinda sassy horse tho, he spoils it

sasuke would probably be a good love rival, or maybe nobunaga (’cause tokijirou’s in his army and I dunno maybe their relationship could be interesting, i kinda like it a lot when the love rivals have a relationship with eachother and not just the MC yknow?)

wormys where things get fun ‘cause I think this would end up a little true route-y? In the sense that I think it would focus on tying up plot threads for all the other characters, not just the love interest, plus it would actually focus a lot more on MC's development rather than wormys

Wormys a sentient rip in time and space his character arc is not....the deepest, but I think in this route wormy would be like a weird childhood friend (that everyone thought was an imaginary friend) and it would explore MC's backstory (whatever I decide it is lol) and her and wormy growing up together, even if MC forgot about him as she got older

I think I might actually make something happen to wormy between MC's childhood with him and him appearing suddenly at the honno ji monument to fling her and Sasuke into the past, maybe something was blocking him? So he couldn't hang out with her for like 15 years? Maybe some secret government project harnessed control over him for a while I dunn

Maybe when she was a kid and he was learning to be human (hes like as old as time but it took a while to develop sentience and it took even longer to develop human like intelligence so they kinda grew up together shdhhsja baby MC teaches him human things directly which does speed up his humanity a little more than it probably would've been if he didn't talk to humans like her, anyway it's baby wormy time......) he would take her to random times in history (safe, not scary ones cause he was also baby) and they would play and stuff, babies......

This is a strange childhood friend route isn't it

Anyway I think MC has time powers which is why baby wormy was drawn to her in the first place so I think his route would be a lot about MC's arc discovering her love for the sengoku era and the people in it as well as discovering her own powers as wormy supports her, MC teaches wormy about humanity, wormy teaches MC about herself, that kinda thing maybe?

I think thered also maybe be a bit of angst, probably in a dramatic route, based off the concept someone gave me in an ask once, where like being around wormy too long breaks yer brain? Like maybe MC's powers go uncontrolled too long combined with hanging out with a sentient wormhole and it gets dangerous? Hmmm

Pet wise I dunno if he'd ever have a pet but image colour wise his colour is like.....the concept of the void......the very idea of emptiness

Love rival....hmmmm...maybe Sasuke? Sasuke honestly works as a love rival for anyone dhzgahjaj......or maybe no one actually, wouldn't that be kinda funky OR MAYBE EVERYONE everyone falls a little in love with her this route.....oh shit wormy u got so much competition

Masatos a funky one cause I think his route would start like...at the end of the three months? Like she end up in the sengoku era and falls in love with her new family of warlords and is like "I'm staying whoops" and sasuke is like "hell yeah I wanna stay too" and it's a good time

Maybe a bit of a mass platonic route? Like she just becomes really close friends with everyone hxhshshs

Masato runs the company MC was gonna interview for a job for in the beginning of the game, maybe they met a little before that? Maybe he was the one who personally offered her the job and the interview was more a formality, in this route I think it'd be canon that MC was actually born in the sengoku era and was somehow flung to the future and adopted under a modern family as a baby and I think Masato would know?? His company is a clothing company I think but what if....it was a front

I'm so sorry I know I get nuts with this stuff

What if this headquarters for a clothing brand had some secret labs underneath that's doing kinda sketchy research into time travel

Plus he funds other research with his fancy rich boy money, I still love the concept that Sasuke was doing research in grad school for this guy and didn't even realize ahdhsjj like Sasuke just spends half of the route after meeting Masato being like....why's that name sound so familiar tho

Anyway I have masatos motivation and backstory for why he's so obsessed with time travel but running a clothing company somewhere in my head but I'm still attempting to translate it into human words that make sense so I'll get back to y'all on that qwq but yeah I think masatos route would start out with some flashbacks to MC meeting Masato a couple times in the modern day and then MC deciding to stay in the sengoku era and meanwhile Masato has been obsessed with getting close to her all this time and when she vanished the day she was supposed to interview for a job for him he made it a mission to follow her?? Like he gets researchers to figure out the wormhole stuff and at the three month wormhole oh lawd he comin

Oh by the way MC in this route would also have time powers because this is my ridiculous yandere route and I get to choose the plot elements

Maybe the original reason he was interested in her was cause he wanted her for all the research? Like as a test subject? Hmmmmm

I think for a while in the beginning he'd feign ignorance about following MC? I think he'd be like "Oh golly I was just admiring the local historical monuments I sure am in a pickle" and it's a bit of a mess but MC knows him at this point as just a nice dude who owns a clothing brand and everyone else finds him pleasant and nice, if a bit ditzy, so he stays at azuchi for a while while Sasuke tries to figure out a way for Masato to go back, and Masato spends the time going on pleasant fluffy dates with MC a la the dere part of yandere, flirting and such, maybe MC's starting to like him a lot not knowing it's a facade, maybe he's tryna subtly convince her that she might wanna go back to the future with him?

Okay this is really wild but what if when he went to the past he brought.....a posse...... A hoard of sketchy secret lab employees to work behind the scenes in the sengoku era to push MC into further reconsidering staying, like finding bandits to spook her and stuff, might escalate to someone actually getting hurt over time, spooky.........

Am I making sense? I think once it's been like a month or two and she still wants to stay things would escalate a lot and maybe it'd turn into a bit of a murder mystery?? Maybe a warlord shows up suddenly dead and they're like WHAAAAT the Fuuuuuuck and no one knows what's happening

I dunno some wild shit like that? He's a bad man

I think ending wise the "romantic" (heavy quotations) would involve MC getting trapped forever in masatos sketchy labs or something and the dramatic would have MC killing Masato like he deserves LOLll

His image colour is like a orangey cream colour? And his pet would be a guinea pig sjbzzhhsja love rival wise....again Sasuke would work great but also maybe mitsuhide or Ieyasu? I feel like those two would be the quickest to figure out somethings up with masato, or also since this is already nuts wormy could be here too and he could be the love rival, I think he'd fit in just fine

I'm so sorry this is just want I truly want from my yandere routes......nonsense.......

Anyway there's a racoon outside my window screaming so I'm gonna go to bed now thank u for listening to Ikesen OC Time With Shadowfairyy and goodnight