#i dont want to like... ask for validation or reassurance though and i dont have much for social connections. so this is going to be tricky

[dandyshucks]

i want to rb everyones art that i missed while i was away but every time i go to do so or just try to make any post here in general i start feeling like i'm really irritating to everyone or doing smth wrong so i get scared and delete the draft fsdjkl

i love everyones art that i've seen though and im sure i will love the art i have yet to see, and eventually once i manage to fix my brain then i will make sure i rb and throw confetti on everyones art !!!! you are all genuinely such cool people and i love seeing everybody's posts and creations :]

[wonwoonlight]

finding love / kim mingyu

a/n: mingyu brain rot bc i dreamt of him last night and ive never felt so loved 😭😭😭😭 first fic of the year! not proofread bc im too lazy. Enjoy🤍 do tell me if u enjoy this??? Hello???

wc: 1.1k // just some musings about love // fluff // super very soft // i dont think theres any warning except that i want him NOW.

[ ♤♤♤ ]

You don't know love until Kim Mingyu.

It's not anything as dramatic as you not believing in it. You just really haven't found the right person, nor have you been trying to look for one. Which is why it's a wonder that you end up with someone as wonderful as Kim Mingyu.

Your meeting with him wasn't anything special either. It's nothing out of a fiction; it's not exciting and it's not magical. It's just you, being Chan's friend and introduced to the members when he invited you to their concert and you visited the backstage once it finished.

It wasn't an instant click either, you just ended up talking individually somehow and the relationship progressed as time passed by.

You don't know love until Kim Mingyu.

He holds your hand when you're afraid even if you don't say anything.

He holds your hand when you're afraid even if he's afraid.

You both hate horror movies with passion, but once in a blue moon you two would challenge yourself just to see if it has changed. Every single time Mingyu would brace it and watch through everything just so he can tell you when to close your eyes and when it's okay to open them again.

You don't know love until Kim Mingyu.

He would listen to everything you talk about. From your complain about your coworkers, to your random ramble about some stuff you see on Instagram reels.

He listens.

He always does.

Because one day you're talking about how it's been quite some time since you've eaten lasagna and the next dinner Mingyu bakes lasagna for you himself.

He listens.

Because when you mention once in passing to your friend, to which Mingyu only listens partly to because you're on the phone and doesn't realize he's already awoken from his nap, that you've always wanted to try snorkeling, Mingyu arranges for it immediately once he finds a suitable date for you both.

You don't know love until Kim Mingyu.

He finds time to contact you in midst of busy schedules, and always tells you beforehand if he's going to be too busy to reach out in any way. You've told him plenty of times that you understand and that he doesn't need to reassure you everytime, but you've also told him once long before you started dating that you're the type to welcome words of assurance more than anything.

So he continues to reassure you everytime he can.

“What do you think about this?” Mingyu asks, yet again in another set of outfits.

You don't know shit about fashion, and you think Mingyu looks good in everything because he knows how to dress himself well. This is something that he's aware of, but he also likes your validation so you always try your best to say anything other that “You look good” and “I like this better than the previous one”.

“I think… you know I like it best when you're in black so I'm not sure if your current outfit is actually better than the black one or not.” You say sheepishly, to which Mingyu laughs at.

Your heart skips a beat at the sound of his laughter, something that hasn't changed despite having dated him for almost a year now. He makes his way to you and engulf you in a hug, whispers something that sounds suspiciously like “you're so cute” though he doesn't admit it because you don't like being called cute.

“Hmm.. Maybe I should go for the black one.” He says as he looks at himself in the mirror once again.

“What? No! Wear what you think is best. You know I have zero sense of fashion.”

“You like it, though.”

“I like you. You know you can wear the ugliest shirt out there and I'll still like it.”

Mingyu freezes and you see the tips of his ears turning red. You don't always say your feelings out loud, and when you do, it always hits a soft spot within him. And for all the cheesy comments Mingyu always parades to his fans, he's actually bad at receiving them himself.

You would usually jump at this opportunity to tease him, but you're feeling especially soft today, so you walk up next to him and tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“I appreciate your sentiment, but don't trust me this time around, okay?” You chuckle and cup his warm face before dropping a peck on his lips.

“Alright…” He presses his lips together and goes for another kiss. “You'll really like everything…?”

And as much as Mingyu reassures you, you reassure him back.

“I like you. So you can wear anything, and I'll like it as long as it's not something weird like a dragon costume or something.”

Mingyu succumbs with a shy smile and hides his face in your neck.

You don't know love until Kim Mingyu.

He's brought you happiness that you didn't know existed. He always makes your bad days good and your good days even better.

You automatically look for him when something makes you laugh, a part of you always wishes to share your happiness with him no matter where he is. You also look for him when you're not feeling your best, because one look and Mingyu knows you need him beside you, his arms enveloping you to ground yourself to him, and his deep voice reminds you that things are going to be okay.

“Does it bother you?” Seungkwan asks one day. You, him, Mingyu, and Seungcheol are chilling in Mingyu's dorm.

“What?” You return his question, getting more comfortable on the sofa. You're leaning against Seungcheol's shoulder, as Mingyu is too busy playing something on his phone and you don't want to restrict his movement by leaning into him.

“The… you know. Whispers. What people say?”

“About me and Mingyu?” You make sure. Your relationship isn't public, but you know some people in his company doesn't exactly approve of his choice of a girlfriend even though their opinions don't matter.

“Yeah…”

You hum as you look at Mingyu, sitting comfortably on the floor near Seungkwan. He comments on how random the younger guy's question is, but doesn't seem too bothered by it.

Something pleasant settles in your chest as you continue looking at him, your smile growing when the answer to Seungkwan's question pops in your mind.

“Not really, no.” You turn to him with a smile, your voice firm with security. “I know Mingyu loves me and that's enough.”

You don't know love until Kim Mingyu.

Because he loves you with everything he has to offer and beyond, never once failing to let you know his feelings haven't wavered.

Because you want to do everything for him even if you're not able to, your heart always finding a way to be with him even when he's not next to you.

[thegreymoon]

i'm not an anti 😭😭😭 it's funny that you're absolutely missing my point. there are plenty of works about noncon fantasies. it's rare to see an author single out her shou's sexuaI abuse and depict it as erotic while in the SAME story speak about the horrors of sexuaI abuse/sIavery when it comes to other characters. i dont think this is an unfair criticism and definitely not anti nonsense. just because you disagree with me doesn't make me an anti but i digress. my point wasn't call out noncon fantasies in fiction.

You literally said, and I quote:

lmfao?? erotic novels can be written without ertoticizing sexuaI abuse. she couldve done the same with consensual scenes.

This is typical anti nonsense. Sure, we can write erotic novels without eroticizing sexual abuse, but how is that relevant? You cannot write non-con kink into it without it and Meatbun is not being shy at all about what kinks she's into. This is a book she wrote, first and foremost, for herself, and then for the rest of us who share her proclivities. People who would like to read something else - for example, vampire fic, a comedy of manners or a zombie apocalypse - are free to go and find such a book because, in theory, Meatbun could have written any of these things instead of erotic fiction of the non-con variety, but she didn't because she didn't want to, and if she had, non-con enjoyers probably wouldn't be reading it to begin with.

If you don't want to be mistaken for an anti, you should not come into someone's inbox with their rhetoric and expect them not to see you as one.

I sat on this ask for a couple of days and decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and answer in good faith. I did not miss your point, I just thought you were an anti, and in my opinion, dead wrong, so I didn't feel like typing out a proper reply. There is nothing contradictory about the way Meatbun treats non-con vs. rape within the context of this particular subgenre. It is, in fact, a very common trope, where whatever is happening between the main couple is not seen as something that cannot be overcome (or even enjoyed) because the fantasy itself is about relinquishing responsibility for your own sexuality with someone you want all this to happen with. The point is that Chu Wanning enjoyed it because it was Mo Ran, and Mo Ran did it because he loved Chu Wanning. It is the foundation of this kink.

Now, I don't know if you don't typically read fics like these, but contrasting it with actual rape that is not a part of the fantasy is actually extremely common because it reaffirms that the main relationship is an exception, therefore special and safe in spite of the fundamental violation. With actual rape, nobody wants that to happen, not the characters and not the readers, and it is treated as horrific (which is why in fic, we typically use non-con and dub-con warnings for the erotic variety and the rape warning for actual unwanted rape, even though non-con and dub-con don't exist IRL, where it is ALL rape). Yes, there is a contradiction here, but it is something that is super common within this subgenre and something that the readers definitely want to see, in part to validate that what happened between the main couple is the exception to the rule.

Chu Wanning is not going to enjoy being raped just by anyone (though there certainly are books/erotica out there that play with this idea too and 2ha is actually on the very mild end of the spectrum here, which is why I find it hilarious that so many antis get their panties in a twist over it), which we see when he is assaulted by Shi Mei. Just like Chu Wanning, we are supposed to feel visceral disgust (though I do not deny that there are people out there who are into this too, which is totally cool, you do you) because it is happening outside the main pairing, which is treated as special. Mo Ran is supposed to rescue him from the bigger villain because the readers find his possessiveness reassuring and the fact that his relationship with Chu Wanning (consensual or not) is the exception. The encounter ends with Chu Wanning's chastity preserved and Shi Mei defeated and humiliated, which makes the readers feel good.

The rape of the girl that led to Mo Ran burning down the brothel is supposed to be horrific, and it is supposed to give us insight into Mo Ran's actual personality, where we see that when he is not under the influence of mind-altering magic, he finds the act horrifying. He is not a habitual rapist and if it had not been for the extraordinary circumstances (i.e. the mind-bending magic and the fact that he actually loved and wanted Chu Wanning more than he needed to breathe), the violation would never have happened. It is the exception because he loved, just like Chu Wanning wanting and even eventually enjoying it is the exception because he also loved him in return. It is not narratively contradictory, because, within this subgenre, it is actually very consistent, again, because this is an erotic non-con novel and not an actual commentary on the evils of rape.

Anyway, I apologise for calling you an anti if you really aren't one and I hope that me answering your question seriously this time around makes up for it.

All the best! :)

[emmyrosee]

hiya emmy! im sky and i rlly liked ur writing! i saw ur post and wanted to request smth :) uh.. so i kinda feel like i cant show my true self to anyone, like the people around me, even my family only see parts of my real personality. for example, my parents see my goofy and studious side, but dont see my side where i rlly like anime, and my friend group see my studious bright side but dont see the side where im a fangirl by heart. so, i wanted to request a bakusquad and reader, mostly kaminari x reader (hes my comfort character) where the reader has different personalities around ppl, like being quiet and shy around others and adults, being nice and caring around most ppl, and kaminari notices this? and he tries to make the reader comfortable and as the reader grows closer to the bakusqaud aka. kaminari’s friends, the reader becomes more open with them, showing them their real self. tysm for writing rlly good stuff that make my day!! have a good day and stay healthy!! :D -sky

Hey hey hey sky!! Glad to have you here!! You should definitely feel free to be your true self bc you sound awesome!! Don’t feel like you need to keep what makes you happy hidden, because who cares if they don’t like it? Enjoyment is free baby, and as long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, go off and do your thing!! 🥹❤️

On to the piece!

-

You were…. Different, to say the least.

Not in a “mysterious” kind of way, or at least not that Kaminari could see; you just seemed to chameleon with whoever you came into contact with.

And that’s fine, he’s seen Shinsou do it nearly every day they hang out together. He knows better than to press or question it, but he does think it’s an interesting way to go about it.

With Shinsou, it’s very consistent- he’s stoic and snappy when he’s with others, snorty and great at video games with his friends.

That doesn’t seem to be quite the case for you.

Instead, since you’re new to the group, you seem to code with everyone; with Kaminari himself, you’re bubbly, giggling at everything he says and loud in the best ways, extremely affectionate and always nudging him for attention. Kirishima has you at your most reassuring, validating each other and never letting one be defeated. Sero has you going on adventures to the gas station at ungodly hours of the night. Mina gets to see the more reactive side of you, be it from online window shopping or whatever you’re watching, and Bakugou seems to have the part of you that loves silence and anime and his island in animal crossing, and the few times Kaminari has interrupted said hangout, you’ve been so far from the bubbliness he’s used to seeing from you and in a new wash of calm.

Teachers have you at your most studious, always so quick to offer help and an answer to questions, never short to volunteer yourself.

It’s definitely not bad, far from it! He admires it about you… but he does wonder who you really are, what part of you is the most present when you let it be known.

He wants to think it’s the bubbly, loving one you’ve given him the privilege of dating, but lately he’s not so sure. You’ve been mixing up the codes, and while he doesn’t mind at all, you seem to.

You’ve distanced yourself from it, from the group and from him; and after months of Kaminari working up every last nerve and pickup line to have you on his arm, he’s not about to let that slip.

And by the graces of whatever gods’ watch from above, it’s not just him that notices either; almost everyone in the squad asks him where you run off to (save for Bakugou, though Kaminari sees the way his head turns quickly when your whereabouts are questioned.)

It’s comforting to know they want you present just as bad as he does.

It’s also comforting that Sero knows your dorm code- look, Denki tried to remember, but he forgets, okay, he’s not a bad guy for that, Mina- and has no shame in blazing into your room like a man on a mission.

Good thing you weren’t sleeping. Or naked, Kaminari thinks in relief.

“Friend meeting,” Sero announces, barging into your room with no other warning. It makes you jump up in bed with a scream, but once you realize it’s just the squad, you scoff and hide under the covers.

“I’m not in the mood.”

“It’ll be quick.”

With a whimper, you burrow deeper under the sheets, and Kaminari gently rests on the bed, hand gently easing over your back to calm you. “We just wanted to check in on you... I... like, we haven’t seen you in a while.”

When you poke your eyes out from the sheets, they quickly scan over the hurt expressions of the group, and the absolutely heart broken one of Kaminari, his golden pools curling up in worry.

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” you grumble, sitting up and scooting towards the corner of your bed. You do reach for Kaminari’s hand to hold, fiddling with his fingers softly. “Is it impossible to imagine I could want some space?”

“You’ve ditched me like, three times,” Bakugou snaps. “The last time we hung out, you got all nervous and dipped. Nice try, though.”

You shift softly in the sheets, “you clearly didn’t want me there-”

“Don’t assume shit I don’t say, dumbass!”

“As much as it pains me to side with bombshell hair,” Sero sighs, promptly shushing Bakugou’s offended snarling, “you’ve been distant with me too. At first I just thought you didn’t want to chill with me anymore, but then everyone kind felt like something was up.”

“Even when we were hanging out,” Mina says softly, crossing her arms almost protectively. “You made a joke I didn’t hear, then you apologized and snuck out of the room.” She shakes her head gently, “and I don’t ever want you to feel unwelcome in my room but you don’t have to feel pressured to hang out with us, we just-”

“You just don’t get it!” You snap, making everyone flinch back in surprise. “You’re just being dramatic! I haven’t been ignoring anyone, or distant, or-”

“We didn’t mean to make you upset,” Kaminari says softly, cutting off your ranting. He looks sad, like you’ve kicked him, and it puts you in even more of a crisis. “I was... we were just worried about you. It came from a good place, but ‘m sorry we made you upset.”

You give him a shaky sigh, “you didn’t, I just...” you gnaw at your lip while concerned eyes glaze your face. “There’s nothing wrong with me acting one way or another when I spend time with you all.”

A chorus of ‘totally!’’s and ‘of course!’’s fill the air, and your waterline swells with stabbing tears because their eyes still bore into yours for answers because they clearly still don’t get it-

“I just don’t feel the need to be 100% myself all the time when you clearly already like the company I give.”

“But why do you feel the need to hide any percent of yourself?”

“Because!”

“Because why?”

“Because what if you don’t like the real me all the time!”

This, now, has the whole room quiet, Kaminari’s heart aching for putting you on the spot. You look like you want to cry in embarrassment, but your hands stay clenched and bottom lip wobbling.

“Oh, sweetie,” Mina whispers, standing up and quickly making her way next to you. Her head rests on your shoulder lovingly, and you sniffle and lean your own head against hers.

“Of course we’ll like the real you,” Kirishima assures.

“I mean, we adore the you that you show each of us,” Sero adds, smiling encouragingly. “The only thing better is knowing that you’re giving us all of you.”

“You know I’m gonna adore you,” Kaminari promises, creeping next to you and gently knocking his head against yours. You offer him a choked laugh before threading your fingers through his hair, letting him nuzzle against you fondly. “The only one who might not is Bakugou.”

“You leave me out of this,” he grumbles. “I deal with the rest of you idiots, one more ain’t gonna kill me.”

A Bakugou Katsuki way of saying “I’ll still want to hangout with you; no matter what.”

You give them all a shaky sigh before curling closer to Denki, tucking your face in his neck. He quickly wraps his arms around you, as if protecting you from your own worst judgements.

“You’re just saying that,” you whimper. His nose nuzzles into the crown of your head, gently rocking you both back and forth.

“We’re not,” Kirishima promises, kneeling down in a hopes to get into your eye line. “There’s a side of you we’re all used to, sure… but there’s so many other parts to you we’d kill to see.”

“And who cares if we don’t?” Bakugou scoffs; it causes everyone in the group to glare at him briefly, and he rolls his eyes, “don’t give me that look! Do you know how freeing that shit will be? That you don’t have to worry about what others “want” to see from you? You ain’t gonna lose us, so you may as well just be the person you want to be, whenever you want to be.”

Slowly, you sit up, letting his words sink in and settle inside your sinking heart. It does make a small spark of hope become alight, and with a small smile, you nod at him. 

“Surprisingly, that was probably the most reassuring thing I’ve heard,” you chuckle.

Denki plants a kiss to your pounding head, the action soothing the ache briefly. “Who coulda guessed Kacchan would be the most comforting of us?” He teases, and you watch with a string of laughter as Bakugou’s shoulders hike defensively.

“Watch your mouth,” he snaps. “Don’t make me regret the whole ‘kindness’ shit.”

“Might think you’re growing soft on me, Bakugou,” you tease.

“Not soft for any one of you assholes! This is why I’m never nice to you dickheads!”

“You liiiiike me.”

“I DO NOT!”

It was obvious to everyone, however, that with all the thoughts laid out and Katsuki being the one to read right through you, there has to be even a little bit of affection in that head of his.

Affection for all sides of you- from all of them.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw sexual assault, manipulation

Seeking validation and support

My best friend said i wasnt assaulted bc i said yes and i consented and like technically she’s right but also i wouldn’t have said yes if theyd told me the truth

They lied to my face when i asked for reassurance before we had sex they lied so many times. They lied to get me to have sex over and over. I wouldn’t have said yes if id known.

Im so terrified that she is right. Please don’t tell me she’s right. I cant sleep anymore I cant shower. I get triggered over the smallest things and I dissociate all the time. I dont feel real anhmore. I cant leave my house without looking over my shoulder to make sure they arent around . I’m so scared. I dont know how to feel about it. It was coercion right? I feel like im losing my mind. Tey lied for our whole relationship about so many things bc they knew id leave if i knew

Hi anon,

This may sound confusing or contradictory at first, but just because you say yes doesn't mean you're giving consent. The context surrounding that yes determines whether or not it is a viable form of consent. For example, being pressured or coerced into saying yes is not viable consent, because you are not given the freedom to say no. Another example is being misled into giving consent, where you are told that one thing will happen, you give consent to that, but something unspoken then happens that you did not consent to. So, for example, you may consent to cuddle someone, but they may take that to mean you also consent to having sex with them next, even though that was not mentioned. It sounds like you were manipulated into giving consent to something you were not made aware of, in which case it is not viable consent. It's not about whether or not you say yes, it's about whether or not you wanted it.

It sounds like you're understandably experiencing several trauma responses after what happened, like hypervigilance, feelings of paranoia, and perpetual fear. If you can access or afford it, I strongly recommend reaching out to a mental health professional such as a therapist, as they can help you regulate your nervous system, process your experiences, and regain a sense of safety in your life. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[avpdpossum]

Hi. After following a hyperfixation rabbit hole (thank you, ADHD and Autism) I have been wondering if I have AvPD. I've been obsessively researching it for a while now, and it would make a lot of sense for the struggles i've been facing that just aren't really explained by my other diagnoses but also aren't really *normal* per se, but I'm scared I'm wrong or just looking for something else to be "wrong" (i put wrong in quotes bc i dont think any disability/mental illness is actually something wrong, but that's how a lot of the people around me perceive it) with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid. My thoughts and hang ups are this:

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify (also me: hasn't made a follow-up appointment with either my neurologist or psychiatrist bc the idea of making the phone call "wrong" is crushing; changes the time I eat lunch so I don't have to either ask to sit with the people I know would let me sit with them bc they consider me or a friend or have them see me sitting alone even tho I literally like them and want them to be my friends; still haven't applied for my college housing accoms that I literally need bc I'm too scared i'll get turned down; feels crushing embarrassment even existing in the same space as my roommate; has a grand total of 1 friend)

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection (my best friend was too busy to eat dinner with me like we usually do bc finals season and I nearly threw up bc of how much it hurt, and I ended up in tears for almost an hour) or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be (I literally can't make phone calls unless I'm locked in my dorm without my roommate there because I feel like people will judge me for doing a normal human activity like answering my mom's phone call; can't brush my teeth in the morning bc what if people see and only do it at night when most of the dorm hall is asleep), the constant reassurance I need from people (I'm constantly asking my best friend (only friend really) if I'm annoying them/too much work/going to get left by them/actually welcome to hang out with them).

I also wonder if my self-esteem is too high since I know low self-esteem is a key part of AvPD? I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone (tho my best friend, the only person I can be around all the time and not have a meltdown, says I actually under-share and should open up more to people).

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school (people would take stuff from my bag and throw it and make me "fetch like a dog," I was really short so they'd hold stuff out of my reach) and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc, and after I moved away just before high school i didn't really bother to try making friends bc even tho i was lonely it just didn't seem like it was worth it bc they wouldn't like me anyway and I was just gonna go to college soon and they'd leave me then but none of that's really traumatizing?

I don't know. I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now? And I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed. Sorry, this was really long. If you actually read all of this, I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

i'll give you the short answer first: yes, it's absolutely possible that you could have it. i can't tell you if you do or not, but i can tell you that all of the doubts you mentioned are things i've personally struggled with while figuring my avpd out.

i'll put a much more in-depth answer addressing each of your concerns under the cut:

I'm scared I'm wrong

here's the thing: being wrong doesn't hurt anyone. people will act like researching your own potential diagnoses and coming to the wrong conclusion is the end of the world, but the reality is, there's very little actual harm that could come from a self-misdiagnosis.

with a clinical diagnosis, if the doctor is wrong, that could end with consequences like taking the wrong medication or doing therapies that do more harm than good to you. but just doing your own research and coming to your own conclusion? the worst that happens is you use the wrong word for a while and then eventually realize it doesn't fit as well as you thought it did, or you ask a doctor about it and they decide it's not a good fit and (if they're a good doctor) help guide you toward a more accurate explanation of what you're experiencing. either way, there's no harm done!

or just looking for something else to be "wrong" with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid

here's the thing: whether avpd is the answer or not, you're suffering. and if you're suffering and you want to better understand why that's happening, you're allowed to do that! your suffering is valid whether there's a name attached to it or not, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want a name for it. it's only natural to want to understand why you feel the way you do and find people like you.

and if you're worried about a "psychology student syndrome" kind of thing – that you might just be projecting symptoms onto yourself that you don't really experience – the best thing you can do for that is to take some time to really look at yourself and your life and see if you see those things taking place. don't worry about if they're "as bad" as other people's; if you see examples of those things in your life and you're suffering because of them, that's all it takes to know you're genuinely experiencing it.

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify

it seems like you already know this on some level, but yeah, all of the things you listed after this sentence absolutely sound like some pretty significant avoidance to me. again, i can't tell you if it's avpd or not, but those do sound like the kinds of things i would count toward my own self-diagnosis if it were me.

there's no hard line of how severe your avoidance has to be, or any real way to objectively measure severity in the first place. if those things are getting in the way of you living your life and/or causing you to suffer emotionally, that means they're bad enough to be taken into consideration.

the secret is, almost no one feels like what they're experiencing is bad enough. i've had times in my life where my avoidance literally almost killed me, and i still wonder if it's "bad enough". don't let that imposter syndrome feeling stop you from better understanding your brain and getting the support you need.

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be, the constant reassurance I need from people.

this feeling was actually exactly what started me on the path that led to me realizing i had avpd. i knew that i was autistic and socially anxious, and i thought for a long time that those explained what i was experiencing, but the more i interacted with people around me who were also socially anxious autistics, the more i realized i was dealing with something none of them seemed to understand.

and all of the things you described – intense emotional dysregulation caused by rejection and embarrassment and needing constant reassurance to function in social situations – are classic avpd things. so i would say, if your gut tells you those things aren't being explained well enough by the words you already have to describe yourself, avpd is definitely worth considering.

I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

hey, you're talking to the guy who's not just avoidant but also a narcissist. avpd can absolutely coexist with being highly confident (or even overconfident) in certain parts of yourself.

it also sounds like that confidence is an exception to the rule. feeling like you're "not X enough" for other people to the point of having self-isolation spirals or suicidal ideation because of it are really common forms of low self-esteem in avpd. if you ever here an avoidant refer to having an "avpd spiral" or "shame spiral", the experience they're talking about is a lot like what you described.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone

the stereotype of avpd is a super shy and quiet person, and some of us definitely are like that (myself included), but not all avoidants are. there are some who mask their avoidance by coming off as incredibly social and talking to people a lot, and others who (like you described) talk a lot even if they don't want to because of other aspects of their neurotype.

i think those feelings of regret and shame that you feel in response to what you're saying are really the important thing here. those internal experiences are much more fundamental to what avpd is than how they present externally, so the fact that you're experiencing them means i definitely wouldn't count avpd out just because you're not as quiet as some of us are.

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc

first of all, a history of trauma isn't actually required to have avpd. it's often assumed that personality disorders are also trauma disorders because they are often associated with trauma, but there's nothing suggesting that's always the case.

there's also research that has shown some people are born predisposed to avpd. it tends to cluster in families along with social anxiety, suggesting there's some sort of heritable aspect, and some research suggests avpd might start in childhood with a person having a nervous system that's naturally hypersensitive to certain triggers.

it's also important to remember that the kinds of trauma that can lead to something like avpd aren't always things we would look at as obvious trauma. for example, one paper i found said that a possible form of trauma that could lead to avpd is having an overprotective parent – the parent projects their fears onto the child and, despite just trying to keep them safe out of genuine love and care, ends up teaching their child that the world is dangerous. we might not look at that kind of parenting and automatically see it as traumatizing, and it's hard to fault that parent for trying to keep their child safe, bu the result for the child is the same. especially if we are born with more sensitive nervous systems than the average person, things that seem totally mundane could have a significant impact on how our brains develop.

all of that to say, it is possible that the experiences you described –being bullied in school and excluded by your friends – had enough of an impact to cause the struggles you're experiencing now, even if they don't feel like trauma. it's also possible that they're unrelated, because avpd (if that is what you're experiencing) can develop even in the absence of trauma.

I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now?

you'd be surprised what therapists don't catch, especially if there's a much more common and less "scary" label (like social anxiety) that can, on the surface, explain away what you're experiencing. i've been seeing my therapist for 8 or 9 years now and she's very aware of my avoidant tendencies, including how much they get in the way of my life, but she still never brought up avpd with me. whether it’s because they just don’t hear about avpd enough to think of it, because they avoid diagnosing personality in general, because they don’t know “do with” avpd and would rather assume it’s something they do know how to handle, or because they think avpd is just another word for severe social anxiety, a lot of therapists will see all the signs of avpd in a patient but never actually bring up avpd as a possibility.

at the end of the day, you know better than anyone how much of a problem these struggles are for you. if you think this really could be the explanation, don't worry about what she did or didn't catch. therapists aren't infallible; they're human, and they can miss things.

I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed

i 100% get that fear. i actually had that happen to me with my therapist – i brought up a few theories of mine to her, she shot them all down, and i ended up stopping our sessions and eventually going to a different therapist for a while because i felt like i couldn't trust her anymore. ultimately, i went back to her (mostly because the second therapist was an incredibly condescending asshole and my parents didn’t know of any other options), but i honestly still haven't brought avpd up to her to this day because of that.

so i can't blame you at all, and it's okay if you feel like you need to work up to bringing this up with her. try doing some more research and getting more confident in your theory so you feel like you can explain it well to her, and maybe even put together a collection of the evidence you have for it – examples of how you feel like you exhibit the symptoms, things like that – so you have something to hand to her instead of having to explain it on the spot. once you've looked into it more on your own, you can reevaluate how confident you feel in the theory and decide if it's time to talk to her.

in the meantime, you could try testing the waters to see how she might respond to you bringing up a theory. there are some therapists who are super against patients doing their own research and having their own ideas about what's going on, so it’s good to know if your therapist is one of those people ahead of time instead of finding out the hard way.

i would also recommend telling her that exact fear if/when you do bring this up to her. that sentiment of "one somewhat negative interaction is all it takes for my embarrassment to be so bad that i can never talk to you again" is a really common thing with avpd, and is one of the reasons a lot of avoidants struggle with therapy. so being honest about that fear can both help her understand that she needs to be cautious in her approach if she does disagree with you and could actually make her more likely to agree.

I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

so yeah, like i said at the beginning of this, i think it's very possible that you could have avpd. i can't tell you for sure, but pretty much everything you've described here sounds very familiar to me as an avoidant person, so at the very least i think it's definitely worth looking into further and seeing if it continues to feel accurate as you learn more.

i hope this helps! and whether you end up concluding that you're avoidant or that there's something else going on, i hope you're able to find the understanding and support that you need.

[sylwanin-was-right]

That very short scene where Neytiri tries to talk to Kiri while they were preparing food could have been such a touching and vivid mother daughter interaction with so much hidden meaning but was severely undercut by Jake's evesdropping, Neytiri's sheer lack of dialouge, and the breivity of the scene.

All Neytiri said was initially asking Kiri what was wrong then just saying her name in pity after she revealed that she felt so different from everyone else. Then the scene was over after literally ~15 seconds. This was a really important scene for Kiri's character development since it introduces what she feels about her ultimate role in the film (and happens before her seizure). It was also important for the character development of both Kiri and Neytiri because a lot could be revealed about Kiri's temperment and morals from her reactions to Neytiri's words, and vice versa.

I think it would have made more sense for Jake to have the 15 second scene and for Neytiri to have the scene with Kiri at the dock because Neytiri just makes more sense to recieve spiritual observations and the affects it has on her daughter's feelings of isolation:

Kiri revealing perceptions of Eywa deep within her would have been compatible with Neytiri's future role as tsahìk and her own established belief in Eywa. Neytiri would understand moreso than Jake what Kiri was feeling spiritually and physically, and even help interpret Kiri's perceptions by using her wisdom and faith to better validate her and futher establish Eywa as a real, significant force to the audience.

Having Jake as the one who consoles Kiri in the introduction to her identity crisis wasnt as compatable because Jake's belief in Eywa didnt come until after he changd in A1, and in A2 it was less expressed and less consistent (like when Jake took Norm's scientific interpretation of Kiri's visions as symptoms of pathology). In cannon, when he asked Kiri those questions about what she felt, it felt more like things you say to someone to make them feel heard, rather than genuine belief in what they were saying.

Neytiri also would have been better able to understand Kiri as her mother, and as another female person. Mothers often see themselves in their daughters because their shared traits and behaviors are a reflection of their own childhoods. Women are more keen to girlhood, too, since women experienced the same puberty, and had similar social navigation as young female people. I dont remember her demeanor in Adapt or Die, but perhaps Neytiri could see her kid self (or even Sylwanin) in Kiri for feeling eccentric, and for feeling Eywa differently than others (similarly to how she had to defend her feeling Eywa's prescence to Tsu'tey in order to spare a tawtute in A1). Neytiri certainly could have seen herself in Kiri, a girl distressed from displacement and in isolation from her peers; she, too, was in a position of stress from being isolated from her People and her Native home, surrounded by hostile strangers, and struggling to maintain peace with her own family in dire circmstances (in A1, she was possibly isolated by getting too sympathetic to Jake and oher reasons, though we can only speculate this).

Instead of an emphasis on the Jesus-esque mystery of her origins in a question to her father figure about her father, Neytiri could have reassured Kiri that the spiritual energy she felt was important and real, while validating her feelings of isolation and inner turmoil as a normal and relatable experience of girlhood because she saw herself in her daughter and understood her as her mother. Hell, we didnt necessarily have to lose Kiri's dilema about her paternal origins since that was a big question that would have been relevant to Jake, and men in the audience. Kiri being a spiritual person would have likely told Jake about what she felt eventually because he's her dad, even if Jake didnt believe them the same way but still wanted to support his daughter. But I just feel we got next to none of that balance and consideration in the movie.

Lastly, I think the intimacy of the food preparation between Neytiri and Kiri was an element that had lots of potential for subtle metaphors as well as a medium that would be familiar and important to women and girls. I could see Neytiri teaching Kiri about self acceptance and finding her niche through food metaphors. They were using leaves to pack or wrap an item, and even though it wasnt clear if the leaves were an edible part, Neytiri could have taken the wrapping elements of their task and exemplified in her handwork and quality of the foodstuff how precious and unique Kiri is and how she has to be patient with accepting herself.

Food and food prep have very social implications for all peoples, and would likely be very important for hunter gatherer/fishing cultures, so having a moment of food prepartation was a narrative choice that would make sense in the cultural context, but also because food prep and cooking is heavily associated with women and mothers. Women are often innovators of home cooking, in charge of gathering, and possibly even innovators of the first agricultural practices. Spiritually, food is associated with goddesses because of the metephorical and literal ways food sustains fertility and provided nurturing. So the layers of metaphors would likely have reverberated with female audiences in a way thats not necessarily misogynistic.

But we barely got to see what they were preparing, what it was they were doing, how they felt about it, and why we needed to see it at all other than to establish that they needed to be together for their scene, which was unfortunate as we lost submersive elements of the culture they were learning, and what the characters felt beyond what the plot needed to advance.

What bothered me most about this particular scene, though, wasnt just the brievity of it, considering this is a nearly 3 hr film, it was Jake's eavesropping:

His male oversight on Neytiri and Kiri's mother-daughter moment was upsetting on my second view because they werent dignified a private, touching moment with each other for women and girls to relate to solely. It had to have literal male oversight for some reason. Jake being visably shown in the scene to listen in on their conversation was invasive and unfair since we didnt get the equivalent of Neytiri evesdropping on him and Kiri when they had their scene together. After Aounung, Rutxo, Ronal, etc set the tone that she was a "freak", Kiri became notably withdrawn and her tone and body language visably indicated frustration and sadness, so both parents could have easily picked up on Kiri's mental health seperately, and had their seperate scenes connecting to her that women, men, and girls could relate to.

TL;DR: On my second watch, Neytiri and Kiri's scene together was so noticably short and abruptly ended that it felt itw as cut to make room for the next scene with Jake and Kiri. I counted the seconds it lasted by scrubbing back to it twice to confirm its miniscule timing of ~15 seconds. Neytiri's lack of dialouge greatly exposed how neglected her character was, and Kiri telling Jake rather than Neytiri about her spiritual connection to Eywa revealed how hamfisted the introduction elements to Kiri's character arc was. This scene also highlighted how interactions between female characters in AWOW were overshadowed by male-led scenes or oversight, or were simply too brief to carry much weight to the plot or development for their characters. Lastly, this scene exposed how much we missed out on layered metaphors for characterization and cultural submersion from neglected use of the world around them as important elements of their interactions.

[bloggingboutburgers]

hello! i apologize in advance if this is an uncomfortable question, im kind of embarrassed to ask people i know and i feel a little more comfortable asking on anonymous, but if its too much please dont answer so um. how do you know youre ace/aro? im afab non-binary, i crave being loved and having love and like, sex and all that romantic junk, but there are other times where stuff like that kind of makes me feel sick (specifically the sex part)? like, to the point i feel nauseous sick. im not sure why this happens, and i cant think why it happens. because of past stuff im kind of scared of relationships and commitment, but i still kind of want one? but dont? its hard to put my thoughts into words and i apologize, i just want to know what this i feel would be considered. it took me like, two years to figure out "hey actually im non-binary" so im still kind of new(?) to figuring out my identity and stuff. im also sorry if this is rude or ignorant or anything, im just confused on what it is thats up with me ;;

I don't find it rude or ignorant or uncomfortable at all, don't worry! It's a very fair question TwT

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give advice on this though, because I kinda have it lucky in that sense - right from teenage years I could tell I wasn't interested, and somehow I never doubted it, so that was enough for me to figure myself out. I only started questioning myself (and I still do) when I got together with my queerplatonic partner, especially when we started kissing on the mouth from time to time (that's as "far" as we ever go). But honestly, I still know deep down I don't see them as a romantic partner, it's something different, I can just feel it, and in the end, I also feel that's enough.

I guess to me, no one can make that kind of call better than yourself (I guess being wrongfully assumed as anything but aroace for years will do that to a person), so if deep down you feel you are, that's what you are, and if you feel you need more time to figure yourself out that's OK too. Don't forget that 1- asexuality and aromanticism are a spectrum, which means things don't have to be super clear cut, 2- you also don't have to be on these spectrums to have things you can or cannot bear with in your sexual and emotional life, it's really your call, and 3- one's orientation and identity can change over life. I know it's probably not as clear an answer as you may be looking for, but I hope it can be a bit reassuring at least TwT Either way please know you're valid, and I hope you'll be OK!

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey! I've been having some worries about my (platonic) relationship recently and I'd love advice that isn't from my best friend (because of course he'd never tell me if anything was up). Also, I may have sent in this ask before, but my adhd brain can't remember

So, I've been with him for a year now, we dated for a couple months at the start and now we're friends, we're both different levels and flavors of aroace, and he's my soulmate and literally everything to me. I'm beyond in love with him. He says that he feels the same about me, but I'm just not sure. It feels like he's avoiding me and falling out of love with me, and he hasn't been really talking to me much for weeks. He says that he's busy, but he just doesn't seem to care as much and I don't know how to let go of him. I keep trying to get him to tell me that he wants to end what we have, but he just won't, even though he's pretty clearly uninterested in talking to me. Lately, the only way we communicate has been hour-long calls at night. I'm worried that I'm putting too much on him with dealing with my insecurities (I'll tell him that it's okay if he hates me and I understand why he doesn't want to be friends anymore and then he'll get a little upset and say that he does and I dont need to worry about that stuff), he was there for me while I was dealing with severe depression and everything that it brought and I'm just scared that it's been too much for him and he's tired of me constantly complaining, or I'm pushing him too much and he won't tell me (we're still figuring out what our relationship is, it's not romantic but it's so much more than just being friends (to me at least) and he just seems less in love with me than I am with him). I can't get him to admit any of it and I can't bring myself to just block him and let him go (we go to different schools and live pretty far from each other so he wouldn't be able to contact me any other ways given that I can ignore emails much better than texts).I know it would be what's best for him and it's was he really wants, but I just don't know how to do it and let go of him. He's the love of my life and I know I'm being too selfish but it's just so painful to think about letting him go, even when we already only talk once or twice a day. I don't know what to do

Hi hon!

I'm a bit confused, here. You keep saying you know he doesn't want to be with you, you know you're bugging him, you know he's better off, you know, you know, you know- but then you say he says everything is fine?

Has he done anything to make you think this?

Trust me, I have been in this spot so many times, where I feel like I am too much, where I feel like someone secretly doesn't want me, where I feel like I should just run. But if this person is saying or doing nothing to actually confirm this, then there are two possibilities:

Either you are feeling anxious about something that actually isn't true (valid. Like I said, I've been there) In this case, then...yay! It's not true!

OR he is feeling this way, but he isn't telling you about it. In this case, then...it's HIS job to tell you how he's feeling. You shouldn't have to pry that from him.

Either way, you don't have to do anything! It sounds horrible and terrifying, but try to take his reassurance at face value for a bit. See how things go. Try not to just leave. I don't think that'll work well.

Please write/vent to me anytime <3

I'm naming you good anon, for when you write back!

[andypantsx3]

hi andy! i hope you don’t mind if i ask for advice. i have this ongoing fic i am working on. and it is my first fic that ever got traction, with consistent readers showering the comments section with their love. i adore writing it and i have kept a consistent update schedule for a couple of months now that i barely broke.

but i am so uninspired lately and want to take a break so that i can write it the best way i can (life is also getting busier). I have this crippling fear and insecurities that I will lose those readers if i take a break (which i already did when i uploaded a little too late). I feel so guilty. It’s also not that big of a fic with just a couple hundred kudos. i dont want to keep writing for that external validation but i cant help it. do you have any wisdom u can share? 😭

anyway, I APPRECIATE YOU AND YOUR WORKS SO MUCH THEY INSPIRE ME! ❤️❤️

Hello my love!! Omg you have so neatly encapsulated some of my fears before I took my first ever hiatus!!

First I'd like to reassure you that, in my experience, people will still be there for your fic.

I'm not saying you won't lose a couple people--a handful of impatient people will unfollow/unsubscribe for sure, as you have seen. But those people are the lesser-attached ones who might have unfollowed anyway--a small fluctuation in schedule, shorter chapter, minor detail they did not like, all of those things would have lost them over the course of the fic anyway.

But it sounds like the quality of your fic is absolutely there, and the average person is so willing to wait for high quality fanfic. (Also hundreds of kudos is huge, please don't downplay that!!) People wait years between books in a book series and still an author's readership generally continues to grow, and it's kind of the same with fic.

Sometimes it seems to get people even more enthusiastic & excited when it's been a long while, and that results in the kind of wave effect of more excitement -> more chatter/reblogs -> more visibility -> higher overall readership. So there's that to consider as well.

External validation aside, though, I can't even begin to emphasize how important it is to be able to take a break.

I've been writing fic for less than three years, and in that time I've taken two hiatuses where I wrote absolutely nothing for months at a time. And I've also taken months long breaks from fics before to work on something else (right now I'm quite literally 7 months into a break from incendiary and almost 3 from fingerprints).

The distance from the work itself, I think, gives you better perspective on it. You'll come back to it with fresh eyes and a renewed sense of purpose, and the fic itself will be so much the better for it.

But you will also be better for it!! It's so important to keep your love for writing alive, your love for the fandom alive, etc, because those things bring you happiness. And if you keep attaching pressure to those things, you will eventually begin to lose your love for them. Continuing to work on something when you know you're burnt out can only hurt in the long run.

Anyway I hope these thoughts help! I imagine you'll continue to feel pressure about the choice until you make it, and I'm sending you my absolute best vibes in hopes that you walk away from things happy with the outcome you've settled on.

(And lastly, please send me your fic!! At least this way you know you'll have one very staunch supporter!!)

[thestarseersystem]

Hey, I know a lot of people in the community deny asks of advice or validation for their own sakes. Like of course, understandable. But I am totally down for that. Please send me an ask if you're questioning or needing advice or reassurance.

I cannot give you an official diagnosis, only give you stuff based on my own personal experiences and my knowledge on this disorder. I don't really have any resources or backed up sources on hand, but if you just need some personal advice on complex dissociative disorders, I would be happy to give it.

I know why people deny these asks, it can be quite draining and they dont feel qualified to give it, but I dont believe you need a professional degree to give community advice. However, go see a psychiatrist if you want actual help and a diagnosis.

I want to build a space where I can provide some community support. So, if you guys need it, please send me an ask and I will get to it. It might take some time if I am low energy, but please feel free.

And of course, always do your own research, don't just take my response on its own, you can't just rely on one source of information for this sort of thing. But I hope my words can provide some sort of relief.

And, due to my biases and feelings on some system subjects, I will not be 100% objective, and you have to expect differences in opinion from person to person. I may not give you the answer that you want and that's not a reason to demand me to change it. I will accept questions and what not, but I am not going to change if our opinions do not align.

So big disclaimer, while I do want to be educational, its going to be mainly my feelings on the subject, and I am not going to spread needless misinformation, if I am aware of it.

Just reach out if you need it. I am here for that. I won't answer things that are overly triggering though, so keep the details brief and trigger warn if you have to.

[thisdreamplace]

What do you think of confrontation? All of my life I have been scared of expressing myself when something bothers me. I always remained silent. When I found the law, I was relieved because "oh, I don't need to express anything, I can stay quiet and just imagine things changed and everything will fall into place" i felt comfortable with that, but I knew deep down that there were many times where I wanted to speak, but felt like it was useless or was going to "ruin" my manifestations. I usually have moments where I wish I had reassurance but never feel the right to ask for it. Watching Dylan James was a safe space because he talks a lot about non-confrontation and I think he's right about most of it but... confrontation is normal I guess and may be needed??? Idk.

The point is, I recently had a discussion with my "SP", with him it's been a never ending story of on and off communication. He always ghosted me and then I would "manifest" him back, blah blah. Yesterday I was so triggered and this time instead of keeping it to myself, I basically told him everything that I was feeling. And like, yes it didn't solve anything, but it felt so right to finally defend myself. To finally feel like I had the right to speak. I ended up apologizing because I recognized it was all a response coming from a trigger. I did not regret saying what I said tho. What I did feel bad for, was because I started the drama out of nowhere because I was spiralling, I honestly had no real motives. He ended up getting mad and like, it does make me sad, but at the same time why would I want something to do with someone with whom I can't express myself with? I get it that maybe I could see this from a different perspective, but... right now, in this moment, what I know for sure is that I don't want this kind relationship in my life. I deserve better. I also deserve to be better for myself and find more validation within rather than waiting for someone to give it to me.

This felt like the beginning of me being more true to myself.

okay by the end of this i was SCREAMING YESSSSSSSSS ANON YESSSSSS. all of this.

i had a similiar experience last year, actually, creepily similiar. because i too, was like, always really into dj and his perspective on things. and then suddenly i was like well wait a minute. what if i did speak my mind and start standing my ground ? i think its such a slippery slope. because i think some people can do the non-confrontational thing and thrive. but for me it made things fester inside of me, resentment would grow, and i would kind of just gaslight myself along the way about how i need to be more understanding of bs. anyway, for me it began with a friend though. and it was hard and difficult, and it didnt go the way i wanted it to because just like in your case, they reacted more defensively than openly. and sometimes, i get waves of "did i truly handle that well ? was it right for me to open up and finally say how i feel ?" and im like yeah. absolutely. for the exact same reasons you realized. i also don't want to be in relationships where we can't have open communication and actually be open enough to want to move forward together. and funny thing is, after that whole thing collapsed, i literally met someone who knows how to have healthy communication, to the point where i was challenged and i had to, and have to, actively work on being a better communicator and being aware of my triggers. knowing how to express them well, rather than shutting down or feeling too scared to because of the conditioning of my past. and theres so much space held for me now, for expressing myself authentically and openly. that sometimes i dont even know how to act, LOL its been wonderful but so terrifying at times. and i absolutely love it tbh. its so beautiful here and its lovely to be experiencing so much love like this.

i guess i say all this to say that you absolutely did the right thing. following your heart, being true to you, will always be the truest and most right thing. and even if that includes confrontation, then so be it. you will see how there are people in the world who are going to hold space for you and be so open to the way you authentically express yourself. now that you finally realize it, the world is realizing it too. what a lovely beginning <3

[jamurkrispiworld]

I have this in my head but i just do not know how to explain it to you. Indeed my intention is to just sit with you and even if you dont wanna say anything, that will be fine by me.

It is because I feel that we have been hurting separately. I feel like i have been crying alone. I feel like you have been crying alone. You stopped crying with me. The last time you shared with me was when you were sent to the ER. I was really grateful that you actually called me. But after that, it stopped.

When you told me you were having a hard time with depression, i didnt complain and ask you to call me or video call me for nothing. Indeed it was for my need to be reassured and to feel that i was included in your life in the worst time, but it was more than that. I dont want you to feel and go through that alone.

Not feeling included and not being able to see and hear made me feel so anxious and anxious about where i was in your life. Plus, i was really jealous of things that i didnt have with you but the other person did. It drove me insane like really insane.

I thought with my experience dating online, i could handle this long distance well and not having trouble in fully understanding my SO. But with you was different. We talked. I could hear your voice. We touched. We hugged. We held hands. We cried together. We tasted each other's tears. Thinking back, I saw myself feeling you and understanding you better that way.

And i feel that i feel understood, validated, heard and seen by you when you see me and hold me.

I am really such touch and skin oriented. I need quite some time to actually tune in and process when it's through texts. I am not good with abstract things. I really need something practical and actions. I really need to be able to see, hear and touch to relate and feel.

That is why i actually prefer those times when we talked on the phone, because we shared that pain. We hurt and cried together. Even though it was painful, but we were there together. Even though i was not good or that quick either to understand and respond, i prefer that way at least i knew you were there and i could hear your breath. Even you had to yell at me or cursed at me, and it scared the hell out of me, but i still prefer that because i feel we reconnected better. I didnt meant to justify that. It was not nice. But yeah i hope you know what i mean.

And the fact that the center of this rls was you since you're navigating the two, i couldnt just call you. I told you this before. It frustrated me more.

I realize that I operate so differently from you. I should have told you this way before.

That is why, i thought of this meeting. Even though it might not change anything between us significantly, i think and hope that it helps us at least release whatever heavy emotion we have been carrying by seeing each other. I really dont expect anything big like suddenly going back together again and move in. It is a big decision to make and there are a lot of things we need to work on and heal as individuals. I dont know how to explain this... Just like be there next to each other physically and release everything in silence. I dont want us to resent each other. I dont want to resent you. I want to stop thinking and saying awful things about you. I want to relate to you again.

I do know it is too late. I know that you might completely not want me or this rls or anything to do with me anymore. I am so sorry for showing up again, for crossing boundaries again. I really am. I know i am the most selfish human being for you right now. I know.

I dont know exactly what this meeting could do to us anyway. I just hope and believe that it leads us to good things for both of us. But if you think the opposite, i will try to respect and accept it.

Once again i am really really sorry.

[maplesorbet]

reaaalllyy hoping i finish all these sketches/doodles some day soon because i am very satisfied with them and want to see them complete lmmaaoo — we will see though because art fight is once again taking over my life and all my energy. but for now, you get sneak peeks of my most perfect imperfections (aka, they don’t look quite right but i’m still happy i got them started).

CW: venting/emotional (?)

ANYYYWWAAYYY — my quick tumblr diary vent entry is just gonna be me appreciating my best friend and picking apart my brain✌️🥹.

for the most part, life is kind of kicking my ass and everyday feels suffocating, but for once in my life, i genuinely have someone who i can comfortably open up to. it’s a weird feeling? being vulnerable in a healthy way? in a way, i think parts of my brain is trying to reject the idea that i can fully trust and ask for support from someone. i’m really not that sure why my walls have come down like this so quickly in a sense?? but i’m really grateful for each and every day that i am able to spend with them. there is nothing i could do to ever repay how much they’ve done for me. this has been the most growth i feel within my own character and emotional well-being. though of course there are many important people in my life, i’ve learned so much from just one person about so many different things and so many ways to think positively, accept myself, and to look for the things in life that may be fulfilling. i’m relearning to take care of myself more and to try to prioritize my well being. though life-long habits will die hard, the comfort of knowing someone cares enough to be patient while im growing hits me like a brick. as a chronic cry baby, i’m relearning that it’s okay to cry in front of people and that being sensitive doesn’t mean i’m weak.

the other day, i told my best friend my deepest secret after an especially rough night. i cried so fucking much that day. it’s terrifying to tell someone something you’ve been closely guarding almost all your life. it’s terrifying when the last person you showed vulnerability to in the same way told you to just find a way to deal with it and to never talk about your struggles again. it’s terrifying to give your all to people who tell you that you mean so much to them only to realize too late that you don’t actually mean as much to them. in every sense of my being, this fear still racks at my brain, though i think i’ve accepted it as my fate, my role and purpose. now, though it feels like a weight lifted from my heart, i find it terrifying to feel like i matter to someone just as much as they to me.

the intrusive thoughts in my mind warn me that i’m making mistakes. they tell me that i should run away, that i should put back up the fucking walls because they’ll keep me safe. but some part of me wants to trust again. i want to keep indulging in being able to rely on someone who doesn’t judge my very being. the guilt eats me alive each time but they reassure me that no boundaries are being crossed. though, even if i’m blinded by hopefulness and my experiences run parallel to that of the past, i will never resent everything i’ve learned and the validity i received.

as fucked up as i am of a human being, i truly hope in this world that everyone is able to find someone for them even half as lovely and genuine as my best friend. even if just for a little bit, i want to keep trusting in his words.

(if you happened to have read through the entirety of my vague-ass brain dump, thank you very much 🤭<3 i dont think much of it makes sense as it is past three am and i have had so very little sleep the last couple if weeks, but i wanted this here for myself hehehe — hopefully it had some sort of entertainment factor if you were bored enough to read it !! anyways, now that i’ve gotten this off my chest, time to try to fix my sleep schedule once more.)

[bemylatentdream]

Letter: You Never Loved Me

As I graduate and think about the past year, i’ve noticed the flags I let sweep under the rug from myself, you, and us. How much of a people pleaser I am, and the self-flagetion I went through when your sorries were just words to say and not actions to change. When I tried my best to change and did change when I did something that hurt you or you didn't like but you never did that for me at all. And how I don’t love myself enough because I allowed you to treat me like garbage even though I thought I wouldn’t allow someone to do that to me again. Even though I allowed you excuse after excuse and trusted your lies even though they didn’t match your actions. How much I have gone back to square one

You would tell me that I'm mysterious. I would run and ask others if that's how they saw me because I didn't want you to see me that way. I didn’t want to be that way to you. I wanted to be open with you. I didn't want you to feel like I was blocking you. I wanted to change that to make you happy. When I didn't get back to you I wanted to quiet down your anxieties I would tell you how much you mean to me, how I dont do it intentionally, how I would make it up to you because I knew how that felt. And I always tried to. And when you opened up about that insecurity I didn’t push you away, I reassured you, and tried my best to do better.

Before you asked me out, you would tell me how people would reject you. You would tell me how you were tired of waiting on when someone would like you. If someone would like you, you would say how you never would get what you want. I felt anxiety at that moment. I felt that it was a primer, that I had to say yes. And looking back I'm proud I said no. I'm proud I didn't people please for that one moment even though unfortunately through the rest of our relationship I did. I didn't want to say yes then no. And honestly, we just met and ive been so closeted for so long I didn't know what to do. Im sorry to myself and you after I talked to that guy and even after clarifying and having a detailed conversation for sending you my body. Images I can’t take back no matter how I wish I could. I'm sorry for retelling you I wasn't interested even though that was true at the time and didn’t want to lead you on. I'm sorry during our friendship when you clearly said you get over people when rejected when I shared when someone else liked me because unlike you I never ever had someone not even in high school and we were supposedly friends.

The one thing I regret about our friendship is communication but it always felt one-sided. I know I tried earlier on but I failed back in January. I was out of character but it doesn’t excuse the pain. But I also failed because you pushed me away. Instead of calling that out I made excuses. It was like you made me feel that you did all of these things but you got nothing in return which was false. Every time you got me something, I made sure you would get something back. When you picked me up I would pay for meals and food. I made sure to send opportunities and help. I validated how you felt with your dad because he's a nimrod and you deserved better. I always made sure to tell you that I don’t want you to only be getting me things. I don’t want you to think that I’m using you and to tell me if you ever feel that way I always said that when I noticed that your feelings were off I made sure to check in and instead you would lie and then moments later sometimes weeks later sometimes months later, you would finally say that something was wrong and make me feel bad about it but I allowed it because I always want to make things right. And my friends saw that you did that too. I knew how you were raised and I wanted to be there as I once thought you were there.

I wish I never allowed you to grab me and kiss me. I wish I never allowed you to finger me. I wish you never went down on me. I wish I never allowed you to stroke my leg in your bedroom. I wish I never touched you. I wish I never allowed you to grab my hand on my birthday and when we went to the movies close to my house. I wish I never cuddled with you or physically comforted you and pushed our friendship boundaries. I such I never sent you my nudes to cheer you up. Because you never cared and saw me as human. You just saw me as an idea.

When you--as you quote-- “ took my first kiss”, you would go off about scenarios about how we would be. How you wanted to be my refuge from all that I had on my plate. How you would have to be the roommate. How since I finally shared with you how I felt, it now felt like this pressure was gone. It now felt like this chase was done and you didn't want to move forward because now that I finally have feelings you wanted to make sure it was there. You made me feel like an object. You made me feel like an idea not a person.

When you kissed me goodbye and said “you may not have me but at least I can say I took your first kiss” you hurt me. A lot. Because I didn't admit feelings when you wanted me to, when I definitely should have communicated more, but you wouldn’t allow the space to do so. When I didn't want to let anyone in like that because it always leads to disappointment. When I had to fish like a fisherman to see if we were okay after these months, and you said you didn’t lie even though you were gonna live like everything was okay until May and it took me forcing communication for you to finally share your motives.

When you would get impatient with me when I wanted to hear from you first even though I just wanted you to know that I care and I didn't see you as second place or as my show. When you said I would leave you for my other friend if bad things happened between you two even though I wouldn't dare ask you that for your roommates or friends. When you made me feel bad that I had to reschedule because I was exhausted with all I had to do and you would make me feel bad and when I did that once during new years eve—which definitely wasn't right—you made me feel like shit. When I said I would make it up and it didn't matter. When you would make me feel crazy and purposely deflect instead of having adult conversations. When I told you I was feeling suicidal and you never checked up on me or anything. I never drove you around because you made me feel anxious and terrible about my driving, even with mistakes I noticed you made.

I can forget and forgive but when someone makes you feel awful to when you communicate and ask in so many different ways what’s wrong, or are honest and all you get is rejection and gaslighting its so hard. When on that Monday I cried and told you what's wrong instead of reassurance or telling the truth about your feelings you say I expect too much from you and nothing you can do is right but then treat me wrongly--something you even admitted!

I just wanted you to like me and feel appreciated and feel validated. That's all I wanted. I just wanted you to know that. I wasn't perfect. Dropping off those books unannounced wasn't good. The cryptic zodiac message from that fake Chicago number wasn't cool. Not saying things on time. Etc.

Asking for space without explaining even though you led me on with that experience in the bedroom before you moved things forward with someone else. It wasn’t wasn't cool even though you do the same and avoid conversation. I shouldn’t have been that person, and I regret that every second of the day. I beat myself up for it everyday. Everyday I'm trying to do better from that. To not do it again. Regardless of what happened to us. Because it wasn't cool regardless of my mental health status. But it feels when I make mistakes I'm a spoiled rotten piece that is terrible away from an idea of aptitude because I'm not a person to you. But when you made mistakes I made sure to recognize who you were. I thought “she's going through this” or “well I did this so she's justified” You say contrary from personal belief you care but you don't because you don't show it. You knew how important my graduation was to me and you say you have work but now you're going to Disney and other events. It shows you never considered me unless if things would turn the way you wanted them to.

You always saw me as an idea and figurement. I was never a person. I was a doll. I was a toy. If you cared, you wouldn't treat me this way. You wouldn't make me feel like shit. You would be there or try to make it up to me. You would do counseling to not only do better for us, your other relationships, but most importantly yourself. But you do none of that. And through the pain you brought me it seems like it does nothing for you and it was okay. It was like that one time you made that victim shaming and misogynistic comment, telling me that if woman would stop taking shit from men they wouldn’t be that way. That women allowing men to act that way is why these problems exist and if women wouldn’t take it they would stop. We aren’t men, especially you aren’t one but I wonder if you were low key sending me a sign about us.

They always say trust people for what they say about themselves. Not the low self-esteem stuff but the stuff about character. You would say how proud you are to be toxic. How you don't need therapy because you're a bad bitch. How you're proud to be the problem. How you would pray for folks downfall. Maybe those are deflections to not get to the root of the problem or maybe because thats what you are. I will never change the good parts of me and in fact you could come asking for help and I would still give that to you because I want you to genuinely do good even though I'm angry. I hate how deep inside I feel like I would give you a chance if you acknowledged all that happened and would do better and try. But I doubt you want that for me because how you treat me shows that you don't value me. If I share my feelings, ask you to share yours, or want to talk about us, you see that as therapyizing even though it's communication which grown adults do. I don't want someone who will use space as a weapon to not address the truth, and work through a friendship or potential relationship.

You say everything had to be my way, but I was always trying to do things for you and to go to your things but couldn’t because you wouldn't invite me to it or wouldn’t allow me to help unless i once again fished or try to come through. You would say things were my choice even though I begged you for you to have an opinion because I cared for how you felt. I always paid attention to the things you liked and love even though you barely did that for me. When i invited you to an event that I knew you would love and you agreed to go with me, you invited everyone else. And only invited me because everyone abandoned you. When I gave you things you wanted you would pull me in and then spit me out like it was nothing from material gifts to letters to words of affection/affirmations. And when i went to emo night even though I felt like shit you shamed me for not being as excited and said how since I'm an introvert I'm not meant to do those things with you and you wonder why I ask for reassurance. You wonder why I ask are you sure. But to you I’m asking for too much. I ask for too much.

I don’t want to be cold with someone else. I don’t want to treat someone how you treat me. I don’t want to yell at someone because they ask for something from the store and get yelled at because they had a bad day or long day at work. I don’t want to be insensitive to someone’s family dynamics and shame them for it even though they’re trying to break free and it’s hard. I don’t want to shame someone for not coming to my place even though they were barely invited. I don’t want to shame someone because they’re trying to break through and their career is the only way to do so.

The worst part is I still feel bad for even saying this. There’s still ideas and pieces of my brain where I say well “you did this” and “you did that”. And you did good things. And not everything is mutually exclusive. I don’t think you intentionally try to do the bad as it excuses everything especially when you never change to try to approve and get better. How I felt like I had to second guess myself and felt like I was going paranoid and that I was crazy and asking for too much. I had to calm down, and not trust my intuition And the notion that I also come to terms that I wasn’t always the greatest and apologies and change of action don’t require forgiveness or respect.

So no you never loved me.

#unsentletter #depression #negativethoughts #latenightthoughts #antihero #villian #friendships #romance #heartbreak #cruelty

[captaincryolicious]

Heyyy

what do you think about writing a oneshot with heizou x reader (would be nice if its fem but doesnt have to be) where heizou asks the reader if they could fake date together so he can solve a case and they really get together at the end

Ignore it if you dont want to but thank you if do it ^^ have a good day/night

Play pretend

➳ Heizou x gn!reader

➳ Oneshot ; 3,4k

➳ Fluff, pining ; No warnings

It all began as merely pretending, but it grew into something so much more than that. [18.07.2022]

Zep's Note ; I decided to go with a gn reader since all my works feature one, I hope you don't mind! Also I LOVED this request, thank you!!

content under the cut | masterlist

"You want me to do what?" 

You stared at the detective in front of you incredulously, shock and doubt written all over your features after his request. Shikanoin Heizou was easily Inazuma's best detective and his reputation preceded him far and wide, which is exactly why he often got away with peculiar ideas to solve cases. This particular idea, however, caught you by surprise like none ever did before.

     "You heard me, Y/N," the cherry-haired male spoke, seemingly unaffected by the weight of his request. "I asked you to fake date me."

     "I–" you brought out, sucking in a breath through your teeth. "Please explain how in Celestia's name this will benefit your investigation?" 

Heizou had asked you to follow him towards one of the quiet corners of the Tenryou Commission's headquarters – which happened quite often, since he regularly shared confidential information with you, his loyal sidekick. You didn't think anything of it, expecting it to be simply another breakthrough that he wanted to inform you about. Never in your wildest dreams did you ever think that he would ask you to fake date him, yet here he was. This guy never failed to surprise you, huh? 

     "I'm sorry, I can't really tell you," he said earnestly. "It's a pretty fragile case and I was told not to share any intel, not even with you." 

     "You make it pretty easy for me to say no," you remarked skeptically. 

Maybe you were making a big deal out of nothing, but this entire fake dating ordeal was quite a thing for you. You didn't mind helping him out at all, but this stunt topped all the previous ones with ease when it came to bizarreness. Especially now that he refused to give you a valid reason – though he seemed to have a good reason for that. Your thoughts were a whirlwind; what were you supposed to say? You were opposed to the idea, but at the same time you kind of weren't. 

     "I promise I'll tell you more as soon as I can," the male said solemnly, his eyes searching yours. He would never beg you for anything, you knew that, but you could see in his green eyes how important this matter was to him. 

You sighed, not finding it in you to decline his request. 

     "When do we start and how long do we have to pretend?" you questioned, a strange feeling settling in the pit of your stomach now that you agreed. 

Relief washed over Heizou's expression in the form of a smile. He seemed grateful, and you found that your agreement didn't bring forth any form of stress within you. You would do a lot for him; you were his sidekick after all, it was your job to help him whenever you could.

     "Now," the detective simply replied. "Preferably until the case I'm working on is solved. Do you… do you mind?" 

He looked at you carefully, scanning your face for any traces of dismay. Most likely, he would find a lot, but that was simply because you were still getting used to the idea of fake dating your detective companion. 

     "No, I'm just surprised," you admitted. 

    "I get that," Heizou nodded, a sheepish smile crossing his face. "Sorry for asking so out of the blue." 

     "It's fine," you reassured him, though the swarm of butterflies in your stomach still hadn't calmed down. "Just tell me what's the purpose of this as soon as you can, okay?"

     "I can do that," the male said. "Thank you so much, Y/N. You are the best sidekick a detective can possibly ask for." 

He ruffled your hair, and you couldn't help the wide grin that fell on your lips. It was there, almost giddy. You were happy to be his right hand – and now you were suddenly pretending to be his significant other as well. Of course you were curious to see how the latter would turn out, but time would tell, you guessed. 

                                ✧  ✧  ✧

Word spread around the city fast, or so it seemed. The prodigy detective of the Tenryou Commission and his sidekick getting together; what a news that was. After setting up some rules, you went out in the open, and it was a whole happening. A lot of looks were cast in your direction whenever you made your way through the streets with your hands linked. It managed to fluster you every time, being seen with him like that. On the other hand, it seemed to fluster Heizou just as much, which offered you some sort of consolation. As confident as he appeared while making this request, he finally started to show that he wasn't entirely unaffected. 

One of the first things you noticed after the entire fake dating situation started, was the way your hand fit in his perfectly, and how natural it felt to sway your connected hands back and forth on the cadence of your footsteps. 

It was almost unfair that it was merely for the sake of pretending. And for what? Even a week after it all started he still didn't share the smallest detail about the case he was on, but you remained patient and didn't pry. He promised you he would talk about it as soon as he was able to, so you would wait for him to do so. 

But you were curious. 

Curious about what he was looking for when he glanced around discreetly every time you walked around with your hands connected. Curious about who or what this was all about. You had no clue, and you just blindly followed the detective's lead. 

     "Tomorrow there's a conference regarding this case in the Tenryou Commission's headquarters," Heizou commented, playing with your fingers. You were on a so-called date in town, which basically meant being out in the open to intentionally make it as obvious as possible that you two were a thing. 

Your hand was in his snugly but you could hardly comprehend it: your mind was still a fuzzy mess after he insisted on feeding you spoonfuls of his dessert.

     "And?" you asked, peering at his face. Honestly, you would have cursed the blush that was present on your face if he wasn't just as flustered as you were. 

To others, it probably looked like you genuinely were a fresh couple that was madly in love, still getting used to acting lovey-dovey around each other. No one would ever suspect that it was as far from the truth as possible. The only reason behind your shared blush was because it was hella awkward to play pretend, to hold hands and act like a couple would with your trusted companion. 

     "I asked if I could take you with me, but they said it's still better if as few people as possible know about the case," the detective muttered. "I'm sorry, Y/N, I tried but still can't tell you anything about what's going on." 

The pads of his fingers ghosted over your knuckles as he gazed at your hand absentmindedly, and his tentative touch left a trail of sparks on your skin. Why did it all feel so normal? Were you simply getting used to the whole ordeal, or was there something else?

     "It's okay," you told him, flashing him a smile that hopefully mimicked the way someone would smile at their precious lover. 

Heizou gazed up, and when his green eyes caught your smile, they widened before he quickly averted his gaze again, the blush on his cheeks deepening. Archons, it was so awkward, and the detective opposite of you genuinely looked like he was struggling. Maybe your smile had been a little too convincing, you thought. After all, the flurry of butterflies in your stomach made it all too easy to present to him such a smile. 

     "Y/N," the male called, and your connected hands remained on the table you were seated around. He paused, and seconds went by without him continuing.

     "Yeah?" you urged gently. 

But he shook his head, his cherry hair bouncing cutely, and muttered a quiet nevermind. It made you wonder, what had he wanted to tell you? 

There was a certain tension building in the air around you, and you failed to figure out what exactly was causing it. Oh, if only this intense uneasiness would cease once this entire fake dating thing was over. It would greatly stand in the way of all the upcoming cases you would have to solve in the future. 

Heizou heaved out a sigh, bringing your hand to his lips and pressing a kiss against your knuckles. Your heart did somersaults in your chest when he rounded the table to help you up.

     "It's getting late, let's get you home, yeah?" he spoke, offering you a meek smile. 

Your walk was silent, and boy was it awkward. Even now, when you were pretending for a week already, people – acquaintances as well as strangers – still offered you their congratulations as you walked home hand-in-hand, and you answered them all with a sweet smile and a restless feeling in the pit of your stomach. Heizou did the same, giving your hand a gentle squeeze after every little act you skillfully put up.

He showered you with sweet gestures and it seemed to come so easily. Did he do all of this before? Had he ever used someone else to fake date him for the sake of a case? Merely the thought brought an iron fist to clasp around your heart. 

As soon as you got home, Heizou gazed at the shadows in a bystreet, his eyes lingering there a little too long. You too stared in that direction, but failed to find anything out of the ordinary.

     "Y/N," he brought out, his tone strangely quiet yet agitated. "Can I… Can I kiss you before you go in?"

He whispered but you heard him so clearly. Your poor heart stilled for a moment before it set a drum beat rhythm in your chest as you stared at him blankly. Did he just…? You weren't believing your ears. What about the rules you made? No pet names, no unnecessary gestures, and no kissing? 

     "W-Wy?" you stuttered, not missing the way he glanced at the alley once more. "Is something there?"

     "Yes," Heizou replied, nervousness written in his eyes when he regarded you again. "I'm sorry, you don't–" 

You were undeniably being used, you realized. But why wasn't there a no falling off your lips instantly? Why were you seriously considering a yes when your eyes darted to his lips for a split second? You felt warm, and not all that opposed to the idea. Surely it was simply out of loyalty, right? 

     "O-Okay," you cut him off. You pursed your lips. "Do it quickly before I change my mind and don't make it awkward."

You closed your eyes, and you heard a soft okay before a pair of warm lips touched yours. You were screaming on the inside, your heart pounding madly and your thoughts racing. It lasted for but a second before he pulled back and offered you a strained smile, but it had your head spinning.

Saying goodbye was surprisingly easy, seeing how you fled inside and left him on the doorstep. You fell against the front door, your fingers coming up to touch your lips softly. You mentally cursed. 

Your very first kiss, taken merely for the sake of a case you knew absolutely nothing about. But then you saw Heizou's face in your mind, and you found yourself not minding all that much anymore. 

Why?

                                     ✧  ✧  ✧

It was getting easier to pretend – or should you say, it was getting easier to act upon the whirlwind of butterflies that rumbled in your stomach? You had found it in you to return his gestures in public without freaking out on the inside. It was as if that kiss awoke something in you, and you had gotten bolder. Now it was you who took his hand more often, who clung to his side with a broad smile (and relished in the way the detective smiled back), who called him cute names with so much ease. You even planted a careful kiss on his cheek once when he seemed to spot something in his surroundings, and you were once again surprised how natural it felt. 

Was it really out of loyalty? Or was there something else going on, something more?

You put a lot of thought into it, and with a shock you had realized; you were into it too much, and it came to a point where it was starting to bother you that it was only for the sake of pretending. 

It felt so nice to be surrounded by him and his loving gestures, just as much as it felt good to reciprocate them. Your hand felt perfect in his, his hugs felt truly amazing, the words he spoke so nicely made you swell in happiness. It all made you aware of something big. 

You started to see him differently. 

Maybe the whole ordeal caused you to grow feelings for the detective – it would explain so damn much. 

But with it also came the realization that for him, it was still a game of play pretend, all for some unknown benefit to a case he was on. It was painful, to say the least, but with gritted teeth you carried on. 

For Heizou. 

However, you weren't stupid. You also saw the changes in the detective. You were good at reading people, and you saw it in your companion. He was relaxing more, his lovey smile seemed genuine and so did his gestures. Plus, everything appeared to be extending to a point unnecessary for your public image of lovers. He lingered around you longer, asked if he could come inside after dropping you off after another fake date, your conversations grew more personal, and the tension between you eased. 

And come on, if it was merely for the sake of pretending he would let go of your hand as soon as you entered his office in the Tenryou Commission's headquarters, right? No one was around to see you there, so dropping the act was completely fine but he seemingly refused to do so – and you did not mind in the slightest. 

What exactly was happening between you two?

     "You're quiet," Heizou remarked as the two of you walked around Inazuma City, slowly straying away from the busy streets and wandering towards the park.

     "Just thinking," you muttered dismissively, which was nothing but the truth. 

     "You're lost in thought often these days," the male pointed out. Of course he noticed. As a keen detective, absolutely nothing went by unnoticed by him. 

Petals of the tall Sakura trees fluttered down gently, drifting over the surface of the stream that meandered through the greenfields of the park just outside of the big city. The scenery was wonderful, but you couldn't really focus on anything besides your hand in his. 

The fake dating thing has been going on for a couple of weeks now and everything was bothering you. You still had no idea why he started the whole thing, for Heizou refused to open up about it. For you it was a game no longer, and all your actions towards the cherry-haired male had grown sincere. 

     "Yeah," you simply replied, trying to pry your hand free from his grip. "There's no one here, you can let go of my hand now."

But his grip didn't loosen; if anything, he held your hand a little tighter.

     "I don't mind," he briskly remarked. 

     "Oh," you uttered, cursing yourself for outing such an intelligent reply. But inside you were happy; he didn't want to let go of your hand!

Your walk continued in silence, and you were about to ask the male why he brought you to such a deserted place if there was no one around to see your act. Before you could speak up, the male gently brought you to a halt and his voice rang through the quiet park softly.

     "Y/N, we have to talk," he said earnestly. 

It was as if the weight of a stone dropped in the pit of your stomach as anxiety stirred within you. The look in his green eyes gave nothing away, and you could only wait nervously for what the detective wanted to say. 

     "I think we should stop."

Those were the words he spoke, and they felt to you as if lightning struck the sky. Stop pretending? Is that what he meant to say? Even though the entire situation bothered you, the idea of quitting left you with a bitter taste in your mouth. 

     "Stop fake dating?" you meekly asked, trying not to show how much it affected you to begin with. You didn't want to make things awkward, so you truly did your best to hide the pain from your features. 

     "Yeah," Heizou confirmed.

     "Is the case solved?" you questioned. That must be it, right?

     "Quite the opposite, we haven't even had our first breakthrough yet," the male admitted, his expression troubled. "I just can't do it anymore." 

You wanted to shake your hand free from his – that's what he wanted, right? You probably read all the hints completely wrong and you were a fool. Disappointment coursed through your entire being. 

     "That's okay, we can stop," you reassured him, the crack in your voice giving away your inner struggles. 

The detective still refused to let go of your hand, stubbornly keeping his fingers folded over your knuckles to prevent you from escaping. 

     "Don't get me wrong, Y/N," he lightly scolded you. "You're jumping to conclusions ahead of time."

His free hand flicked your forehead gently, and a smile of mild amusement rested upon his lips.

     "I want to make it official." 

It was a bomb so heavy, it made the entire zoo in your stomach explode and go berserk. Your mouth fell open as you gaped at him – was he for real? Was Shikanoin Heizou asking you out? The detective you spent so much time with liked you? It made no sense to you, yet at the same time everything seemed to fall into place. Why his sweet gestures always dragged on while they didn't matter for the public anymore, why his act seemed less of an act and more like something genuine as the weeks went by, why it became so much easier to be around each other in a way that only grew between you recently. Heizou liked you.

And you liked him back.

     "I would love to," you replied, smiling warmly at the male. "The whole fake dating situation was becoming a pain." 

     "I know," the detective smiled back. "That's why we needed it to stop and make it something real."

You were ecstatic. Maybe this was what you've been hoping for all along without being aware of it at all until recently. Not even maybe, you were sure of it. Pretending to be with Heizou only hurt because you wanted it to be real, and it seemed like he wished for that just as much as you did.

     "Bonus point, it will still benefit the case," the male teased, and you let out a huff. 

     "Shut up, I don't wanna hear about that case anymore," you pouted, and Heizou let out a laugh. 

But then he turned serious, his hand finally letting go of your before reaching up to gently cup your cheeks with his soft hands. His green eyes gazed into yours wordlessly, a smile so ginger resting on his features.

     "I've been dying to do this again ever since that one night," he sincerely told you, eyes flickering to your lips for barely a second. "May I kiss you?" 

     "You can," you replied, the surge of butterflies coming to accompany you once more. 

You couldn't help the smile that grew on your lips when he kissed you, giddy and blissful. Who would have thought that after months of being his loyal sidekick, you suddenly were his significant other? Who would have thought that a game of play pretend would turn out this way – the best way possible? 

You wouldn't, but you were as happy as you could be.